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Nikki Neal was damn good at her job . As an undercover cop , she had just about enough information to put the local crime boss away , but she needed more to make it stick . But when someone blew her cover , Nikki found herself on the wrong end of several guns . Aedan Harrison was on the fast track to winning the Governor 's seat for the state of Ohio . He had his whole life , or at least his immediate future , planned out . What he didn 't need was a mate he hadn 't made plans for throwing a monkey wrench into the mix . The last thing Nikki needed was an overbearing jackass ordering her about , and telling her how much he didn 't need her in his life right now . Well , she didn 't need him either . She had work to do and needed to get herself and her grandda to safety . It didn 't take long for Aedan 's family to convince him in the error of his ways , and when he saw what he 'd done he felt like an ass . All he wanted to do was make it right , but could he grovel enough for her to accept him ? Aedan smiled when he saw all the flyers that had his name on them being put into yards . Aedan Harrison for Governor . Who would have thought that only a short three weeks ago he 'd been working for his brother 's firm , and now he was not just running for governor , but he was also having a grand time . He saw his dad coming out of his political offices and had to smile when he showed him the new signage . " I had to give them a little grief ' bout the picture . You look like a little boy in them , and I thought about having them paint a mustache on you or something ; but your mom , she liked them so we went with it . " He nodded at his dad , proud as he could be about what was going on , but also a little overwhelmed . " All you boys really take good pictures . It 's in your blood . I think it 's a trait that I passed down to you , what do you think ? " Four days ago there had been an ad on the television about Aedan running in the upcoming election . He was getting a late start , he knew that , but he was getting a lot of support too . The president had been in the commercial , saying that Aedan was a man of men and that he would do the best job possible for the state . Aedan had sat there for nearly an hour after it had aired just thinking about how fast this was all going down . Then he 'd gotten up , done a little dance , and gone to run with his brother Darcy , who had been staying with him for a few weeks . He didn 't mention anything about seeing the ad until they were having beers and pizza at his house later . Then after polishing off two large with every kind of meat on them , they 'd talked . " You think that when the time comes , you 'll be sitting in the big house ? " Aedan said nothing . Not that he hadn 't been having the same thoughts , but he was terrified to say the words out loud . Even to his brothers . Darcy laughed as he continued . " You have a sappy look on your face . The same one you get when you 've figured out what you 're getting for Christmas from Mom and Dad . Just so you know , you 're going to have to be better at the poker look if you 're having thoughts that big . " " I just want to get this election under my belt , then I can go from there . " Darcy only nodded , but he did have a smile that said a lot . " How are things going with you and the new building ? I 'm thinking that in no time you 're going to have your own mailbox out front . Not that I 'm in any hurry for you to leave here . I love hanging out with you . " " Storm is having it made up as we speak , believe it or not . She said to consider it a building warming gift . Did I tell you that she 's going to help me with finding furniture for the building ? I asked for things that would blend well with the old building , and she had this amazing desk delivered yesterday . I 'm going to love being in my own place but still working for the family . Christ , she really does know people who know people . " " I 'm thinking we need more jobs , don 't you ? But as for Storm , she really does know about everyone . And she 's being very pushy about things beyond the governorship . I 'm not thinking along those lines yet . I have done some research on my opponent . He 's not very … well , I was going to say very trustworthy , but I think he 's underhanded and a jackass as well . " Darcy said nothing . " You know him ? " " I do , sort of . And this is between the two of us , but if you want to find some true dirt about him , you should look into the people who used to work for him . Both professionally as well as at his home . I understand that they 're the same , they both work for him , but I 'm talking about his different staffers . " Aedan wasn 't sure that he wanted to sling mud , and Darcy handed him a file . " I got this in my inbox at work today . It 's a questionnaire . I 'm pretty sure that as your brother I wasn 't meant to get it , but there are some pretty in - depth questions there . " He told his brother that he 'd look into the people but didn 't pick up the file just yet . He wasn 't even sure that he wanted to . Darcy took the decision out of his hands after it sat there for several more minutes , and picked up the paperwork and flipped through it to the back . Aedan wasn 't sure what he was doing until he handed it to him . Aedan read the first three questions , then looked at Darcy . " They asked you what you thought my sexual preferences were ? " Darcy nodded . " What the hell does that have to do with anything ? I mean , how the hell does he get by with asking those sort of personal questions ? " " Don 't know , but there are a lot more in there . Read on . At one point they ask me if I thought you were going to have affairs while in the seat . I 'm thinking that if they get one person to answer yes to that , you 're going to be labeled as a pervert as well as some sort of sexual deviant . Whoever sent this out is fishing , and they don 't care what sort of catch they get . I 'm having someone look into it . " Aedan laughed . " No , not Storm . If she gets wind of this there will be hell to pay . " " Yeah , she 's a little overprotective when it comes to us . But this shit , it 's not the way I want to do things , Darcy . You know me . I 'd never want to stoop this low . " He read a few more questions until he got to the last one . " It asks if there are any things that the reader can think of that might be helpful to the people of this town . There 's a number here they can call . " " Yep . And I called . " Darcy leaned back in the couch that had only been delivered that morning . " They 're asking more questions too . Like how long have you been a drug addict . They 're not asking if you were , but how long you 've been using . And when was the last time I 'd shot up with you , and where that might have been . I assured the person that I 'd never even seen you take an aspirin and they laughed . This guy told me that he had enough people calling in to talk to them that they knew that wasn 't true . Whoever is working to smear you , they 're not playing very fairly . Like I said , any of this gets out , lies or not , it 's not going to go well for you or the family . Storm will be the least of their problems when Mom and Dad find out . " " No shit . " He leaned back as well . " I wonder who it is . I mean , with this kind of work , someone is really out to make me look bad . I 'm sure if I asked Ellison he 'd say something like ' well , I don 't know ' in his best you 're a moron voice . Any ideas who I might have to have murdered ? " " Nope . As I said , I 'm having someone look . Mason , too , is having a little fun with this . He said to tell you when it hits his inbox , he 's going to answer all the questions in his own language and hopes someone there gets a kick out of it . He 's been in and out of the offices for a couple of days now ; I 've not really found out why , but it 's fun having him around . Mason said that he 's helping out while Riordan is out of town . " Aedan asked when he 'd be back . " Don 't know . Storm has been out of the country for a few days too . But I think she 's coming back tomorrow . The president has them doing something overseas , and I think they 're going to make a little vacation of it too . " He 'd spoken to Darcy , and now it was two days past when they were to have returned home and neither Storm nor Riordan was back yet . Something had come up , they 'd been told . He 'd never found out what it was , but he knew that it was like them to rest up after they were done working . Even Dad had been saying how he wished he 'd had such perks . Then he and Mom had gone to wherever it was to help out . Aedan was getting things put away in the kitchen when he heard someone in the drive . The house had a very long drive , lined with trees and a big fucking gate at the end , so he knew that whoever was here had made an effort in coming to see him . Going out to the back deck that wrapped around the entire house , he watched . While the car was in front of the garage , he stood there while whoever it was decided to either get out or drive away . The elderly man that finally got out of the car was no one he knew . He stood with the car door opened and his hands on the door . Both of them . He looked more like he was hanging on rather than just taking in the view . Aedan decided that tomorrow he was going to have someone manning the gate house as Storm had told him to do weeks ago . " Can I help you ? " The man looked around like he was trying to decide if they were alone or not . Just as he was ready to ask again , another car pulled in the drive and he was relieved to see it was Darcy . Neither man spoke , but his brother did come up on the deck with him . " Perhaps you 're at the wrong address . " " No , I 'm where I 'm to be . I 'm here to meet someone else . It 's important that nobody knows where I am , you see , and I was told that I 'd be okay here for a little while . " Aedan nodded . " You 're the boy , the one running for governor . I saw the signs in people 's yards . Congratulations on that . But you need to get yourself someone to man that gate down there . Doesn 't do you squat if anyone can come in here uninvited . " " I was just thinking the same thing when you pulled up . Who are you ? " The man looked worn out . Depressed , and like he wanted to curl into a ball and simply give up . Aedan had no idea where those thoughts had come from , but he had a feeling that they were all true . Making his way off the deck , Darcy was with him but he stayed back , like he was going to be ready should anything happen . When Aedan was nearly to the man he smelled it … blood . Old and fresh . " Are you hurt ? " " Yes . I got shot up a couple of days ago . I thought for sure that I was a goner , but I managed to get myself free . I 've been on the run since , not able to stop the hole in me other than to press me a towel or two on it . Hurts like someone has been doing a jig on my insides . You 're not human . " Aedan shook his head and looked the man over . " I can manage to move in a bit , but I have to rest up if you 're planning to kick me to the curb . " " All right , I won 't kick you anywhere so long as you don 't give me a reason to . Besides , I don 't think you 'd make it if I did . I can help you , if you 'd allow it . " He just shook his head and continued to hold onto the door that he was near . " Who are you meeting ? Maybe I can call them for you . " " It 's me , Aedan . " He looked at Mason as he made his way to the elderly man . " He 's a stubborn old coot , but I owe someone to keep him safe . Otherwise I would have left his sorry ass on the side of the road . " The older man laughed and then coughed hard enough to make Aedan think he was in a great deal more pain than he was letting on . Aedan had no idea why he thought that Mason was lying about his feelings toward the stranger . But Mason picked him up in his arms and asked Aedan if he could use his house . Before he could figure out why the man was here or who he was , Mason had taken him to one of the spare bedrooms on the second floor and laid the now unconscious man on the bed . Darcy left the room when it was apparent that the man was really hurt . Mason pulled up his shirt and they both looked at the wounds . He had indeed been shot ; twice , as a matter of fact . And both wounds were seeping enough to make Aedan realize that he might have used more than a couple of towels to try and stop the bleeding . " His name is Neal . Paddy Neal . He 's an old friend of a friend that … Browning asked me to bring him here as they 're not home yet . I would have taken him to my place , but it 's too out in the open as yet . He needs a place to hide out until I can get him somewhere safe . " Aedan asked him why here . " Because , my dear friend , your house is built like a fortress and I have been here before , so had you not been home , I could have entered and put him up . It really is important that he is safe . " " I don 't understand why he isn 't in a hospital , or at the very least a clinic somewhere . " Mason wasn 't one to explain himself , and this time was no different . As they both waited on Ennis to arrive with his black bag , they stripped Paddy 's clothing off . Mason told Aedan what he knew … or in this case , what he wanted Aedan to know . " Just over a week ago there was a shooting . Nothing you would have heard about here , but an undercover agent was shot several times in the chest at close range . She was about the best there was , but the bad guys didn 't care for her . This is her grandda . Paddy was on the phone with her when she was taken out and presumed killed . She wasn 't , but not for lack of them trying . Just as they were ready to put one in her head , I arrived and took her away to someplace else . " Aedan felt like he was in one of those carnival rides that spun you about so quickly that you couldn 't figure out up or down . " She 's critical , in grave condition actually , but she is going to pull through . But as far as the world is concerned , the world that she works in , she 's dead . And we need to keep it that way for a little while longer . I also have her phone . " " Her phone . " Mason nodded as he sat down on the other chair in the room . Aedan had already taken the other . " And this is making sense to me how ? In the event you didn 't notice , this is not a hospital . I have no staff here that can help out , and I 'm pretty sure that since you said you 'd been here before , you know that this house isn 't equipped to have guests just yet . The only reason I have this room is because I got a great deal on this set at an auction . " minute . " This wasn 't funny and Aedan said that to him . " No , it 's not . But as I was saying , when Nikki was shot and presumably killed , they went after her grandda when her body and the phone that she used came up missing . I took her someplace safe , as I said , to make sure she would get the care that she needed . Also , I have taken care that the phone isn 't found . She has some pretty determined enemies because of what she 's found out about one of the drug dealers in her city . And trust me when I tell you , his little Nikki is one hell of an investigator . " " Okay , let me get this straight . This undercover agent was murdered but not . Her grandda was shot to hell and you brought him here . And now , for whatever reason , you think he needs to stay here while he either recuperates or dies , and I 'm supposed to keep quiet about it . " Mason grinned and nodded . " You do know that I 'm running for governor , right ? And this is just the kind of shit that my opponent is looking for to bury me in , correct ? " " You will be fine , young Aedan . And I 'd not worry about the questionnaires either . I 've taken care that none of those questions ever get out in the public . " Aedan asked Mason how he knew that . " Let 's just say that I know more people than Browning does , and mine are a bit more ruthless than she is . And as for Paddy being here , it 's because the president and Browning asked me to bring him here for you to keep safe . They have a great deal more confidence in you than you appear to have in yourself . " That wasn 't quite true , but Aedan was nervous about having a bleeding stranger in his house . He knew that his family would cover for him in the event someone found out . And if the shit hit the fan , like Mason was suggesting , then they 'd be there for him as well . When Ennis came in a few minutes later , Darcy asked to speak to Aedan . As soon as they entered the hallway , leaving Mason and his other brother to deal with Paddy , Darcy started pacing the long hall . Darcy was a thinker , one who did not blurt out whatever was on his mind until he was sure of his facts . " I think this is my fault . " Aedan asked him how when Mason had told the man to come here . " I helped him . In a way . You know how I love the news ? And especially ones that have to do with syndicates and shit like that ? Well , Mason knew as well . " " Go on . " His brother really did have a fixation on things in the news . He had an app on his computer both here and at home that would tell him every major thing going down . Even his phone and car were rigged up with it . " If you tell me that you called Mason when this went down , I 'm going to brain you . " " I didn 't . Mason called me . About a week before . He said that he had an idea that something was going to go down with a friend that was working undercover . And that he wanted me to keep an ear out for something , anything , that might have to do with this certain city … Chicago . So when the call came in that an officer was down , I contacted him right away and told him what I knew . I think he went to get him or something . " He told him it was apparently a woman . " Okay , that makes sense . He probably had some affair with her and now he 's protecting her or something . Whatever it is , I think this man had something to do with it . Because a couple of hours later , I hear the name again , this time they say it 's at a residence and shots are being fired . I let Mason know and now the man shows up here . What do you suppose this is about ? " " I don 't know . He just told me that the president and Storm told him to bring the undercover person 's grandda here . " Darcy just nodded , but looked as confused as Aedan felt . " I 'm guessing they have something to do with him then . All I know is that I have a wounded man in my house that I know nothing about , as well as some woman out there that may or may not be dead . And I 'm to keep quiet about it so that they 'll be safe . I have no problem with that , but I wish I had more information . " The door opened behind them and Mason stood there . He looked injured , and that was when Aedan realized it was daylight and he was out in the sunlight . When he leaned back against the wall , seemingly exhausted , he and Darcy helped him to the lower levels and away from most of the sunlight . He took a seat but refused their offer of blood . " She is not my lover , though once I had a look at the little morsel , I had thoughts of changing her and taking her to my bed . But alas , I cannot . She is off limits to me . " Aedan asked why . " She is the niece and goddaughter of the president . The man presently in your bedroom is his uncle . They 're keeping their identities quiet because of what they do and did for a living . " Aedan nodded then shook his head . Goddaughter and uncle of the president ? What else would he find out , that they were also aliens from another planet ? Shaking his head to try and clear some of it up only made it worse . He was beginning to have a headache right between his eyes . And he never got headaches . " Why here ? Why not in some other house , closer to him ? Or for that matter , why not in a hospital ? And what do you mean , did and do ? This is like being on a loop de loop ride and you can 't get off ; you know that , don 't you ? " Mason said nothing but leaned back on the couch . Aedan started to demand answers , but he sat down too and thought about things . " It 's because of this woman being undercover , isn 't it ? Something about that is why they have to be protected . She knows something or has … . The phone … you mentioned the phone . You 're thinking that whatever is on it might be something someone would need to bring them in . And those people , the ones on the phone , need to think them dead . For now , like you said , they need to be safe to heal and to be able to bring this to light later . And if the people after them knew differently , then shit would hit the fan . " " I would say that you 're onto it , at least I think . As I said before , I don 't know a great many of the details . Other than I was asked by Browning to keep an eye out for her . It was most difficult since this cop mostly worked during the daylight hours . But I knew that young Darcy here had an ear for this , so I asked him to have a listen for me . " Aedan looked at his brother then back at Mason . " I only had to give him a name and the city . The rest , it was up to him . He might well have saved her life by being diligent in this . And most assuredly her grandfather . I 'm sorry to say that I was too weak to bring him to you quickly . Taking Nikki away the way that I did drained me badly . Driving here was the only way he could have made it . Thankfully he had taken precautions , and had another car with money and clothing it in for them both . " " And this man , he is involved how ? I mean , other than being her grandfather , how is it he has been shot ? Being in the wrong place at the wrong time ? " Mason said he only knew a few details . " Do I need to know them ? Or better yet , do I want to know them ? " " I would say not . " Mason stood up . " There will be staff coming here to care for him and your household . Not from me but the president . He doesn 't want you to have to worry about things , so he has asked a butler to come in and take care of things here should you want . He said to call it a thank you gift . I know Basford ; he and his wife are good people . " " All right , but to be honest , I 'm not sure what I need at this point . I 've only been here for a few months . I mean , Howard is a good friend of the family , but I don 't really need someone to take over my house . " Mason said he figured he 'd say that . " How do I give him updates on his uncle ? " " That won 't be necessary at this point . He said that he will contact you when the time is right . But for now , it is safer for his uncle to not be associated with him . Not because he 's done anything wrong , nothing like that , but he should like to keep him safe . And he knows he will be here . " Aedan had a thought , not a good one . Mason laughed . " You have many things running through that head of yours , my friend . I would suggest that you not read anything into this other than a good friend needed your help . You know as well as I that Howard is a good man . If he had not been Browning would have ended him long ago . " Aedan was still sitting on his couch when someone came into the room with him . He only stared at the man , not having any idea if he should have been frightened , taken cover , or put out his hand in friendship . His head was going in so many directions he wasn 't sure which way was up . " My name is Basford , my lord . You were told that I was coming ? " He nodded . " Mason sent us to help out around the house . Cook and clean for you should you need it , and hire a staff should you want that as well . I 'm to understand from him that you have a large household and may need more than just me in residence . " " To be honest with you Basford , I have no idea what I need . " The man only nodded . " Do you know what 's going on here , with the man upstairs then ? " " I do . I have been informed that should he need something more than he has at the moment , I 'm to make a few calls . " More than Aedan knew , and he said as much . " Mason , he said that you were slightly overwhelmed and that you may need a little guidance until you are settled . " " That might not ever happen . " Basford nodded . " I 'd really like to have some breakfast , then while I 'm eating , perhaps you and I can figure out what I do with a butler and cook . While I know the duties of both , I 'm not sure how to go about getting things done . Does that make sense ? " " It does . I have met the new cook at your parents ' house , as well as their butler there . Mr . Shaw has been a good friend of mine for many years . " That was helpful . Shaw had been working for his family for decades . " Shall we go to the kitchen and see where we stand there ? My wife , she 's here as well and has asked to do a bit of cooking for you . He was talking about Andi , Mac 's wife . Nodding once , he got up to follow the man . Whatever was going on right now , he thought it best if he just played along . For now , anyway . As they entered the kitchen , he thought again about why the president would have sent the man here . Aedan wondered if he thought that just because he had endorsed him for the governorship that he could take advantage of him . Not that it was a huge hardship having Paddy in his home , but it was odd that the man had been shot and needed to hide out . Then there was the undercover cop thing too . Why was she presumed to be dead ? And who wanted her that way ? As he sat down to wait for his breakfast , a notebook and pen was set before him . He looked up at the woman , who also handed him a large glass of orange juice . " To make notes with . Winnie said that you were going to figure things out . " He asked her who Winnie was . " My husband . His name is Winfred , but I call him Winnie . My name is Rose , Rose Basford . Would you like for me to call him Basford as well ? " " No . I like Winnie too . It sounds less … I don 't know . Less stiff . I 'm new to this having a staff thing . " She smiled at him and he felt comforted by it . " My parents , you know them as well ? " " Oh yes . Well , not personally , but I know of them . It 's Browning that we know better . Her family would hire us when the staff was in flux . Happened a great deal at the beginning of their tenure in the mansion . But Winnie and I were never up to snuff for them . Only good enough … I should not be speaking of her parents so poorly . Forgive me . " He told her it was fine . He 'd heard they were a little cold . " Browning - it was what we called her for so long after they passed - she wasn 't what they wanted in a child . Daring and full of spit and vinegar . Once , when she was about four , we 'd been there for a couple of days when she came into the house with not just a snake in her hand , but a turtle as well . Told us right off if we dared cook them for her supper , she 'd have us put before a firing squad . I have never laughed so hard in my life . " When Winnie cleared his throat , his wife moved to the stove . But before pulling out things from the fridge , she kissed Winnie on the cheek and made him blush . Aedan thought he 'd enjoy having them around as much as he did his parents . It took them two hours to get things squared away . And when Ennis came to join them , he was fed as well . Darcy had gone to work , saying that he 'd be back late because he had to find him a place to live , and had his eye on a building or two in the downtown area . He 'd been saying that for nearly the three weeks that he 'd been sleeping over here . " Your guest is resting right now . I took out the bullets and gave them to Mason when he came back for them . He said he 'd take care that they got into the right hands . Mr . Neal is going to be down for a few more days , so I 've made arrangements to have him a nurse brought in . Also through Mason . He 'll just need help getting up and down and his dressing changed . I 'll come see him a couple of times a day if you don 't mind . Just to make sure he 's healing all right . " " You don 't want to do this . " Ennis said that he really didn 't mind . That he owed Mason . " Everyone seems to owe him . How is it he 's indebted to you ? " " The new building that I 'm moving into ? It has a lair in the sublevels . I mean , really , it 's an apartment with all the things that you 'd find anywhere , except no windows . I 've given him permission to live there for as long as I own the building . It 's safer for him , he said , than the aunts ' house . " Lynn and Sally , aunts of Stormy , had been letting Mason stay in their basement while he was in the area . And he 'd been having repairs done on the house in return . " He said that he 'd take care of the taxes for me , but I said I just felt better with him living there . Sort of a safety net should I need it in the event the place is robbed . I 'll have a lot of drugs in the place when I 'm done moving in . Oh yeah , that reminds me , I have to talk to an attorney about something . I got this letter in the mail about something to do with drugs on the premises . Did you ever hear of a vault for drugs in a business like mine ? Huge sucker , too , if I 'm reading this right . " " No . I mean , I guess that makes sense , but it 's not like you 're going to be selling them , right ? We 're talking just things like samples and such . " Ennis said that was it , but he had to get one . " I 'd check into it like you are . Probably just a precautionary letter they sent to all doctors . " After his brother left , Aedan went to check up on his new guest and wasn 't surprised to find him resting comfortably . Getting ready to go into the office himself , Aedan thought about all the things that could go wrong with this . First and foremost , he could be out of the running for a job that he 'd come to want very badly . This entry was posted on July 25 , 2016 , in All Romance Ebooks , Amazon , amazon & BN Itunes , book , Giveaway , Promo Stop , Release Day Blitz , Uncategorized . Bookmark the permalink . 1 Comment Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Part of Practice Makes Perfect mini - series . Amy 's substitute teacher just happens to be Jeremy . And she 's kinda craving his special kind of attention . So she pushes every button til she gets it . It was the second week into the second semester of my senior year in high school and they still hadn 't found a replacement teacher for our orchestra conductor . All we had was substitutes who couldn 't tell the difference from a cello and a violin ( no offense if you don 't know the difference , but you 'd do us no good , either ! ) . So we were working on our second week of having not played with a surprise walked through the door that even I wasn 't expecting . " Guys ! It 's Jeremy ! " I whispered . They 'd known that Jeremy and I had been good friends back in the day and they knew that I was playing in the Centenary Orchestra with him . I yelled , " Whoooo ! ! ! Go violas ! " You know . . . like violas were cool or something . Yeah , orchestra was about the only class I was a smartass in because most of the people in there liked me . Jeremy smiled and continued . " And anyway . . . I 'm in my second year of college and since all you have to have is some college to be a substitute , I offered to take over her classes until they can find a replacement . " " Now . . . I know how Ms . Jones was . . . She was my teacher for at least seven years . I know what she does and does not tolerate , and you can expect me to be the same way . You will treat me with the same respect that you do her . I won 't allow you to goof off in class . Otherwise , we 'll be having a fun time and we 'll still get to compete in state competition and we 'll still get to go to Tennessee like she 'd planned . " Everyone got their things out of their lockers and started tuning up and stuff . No one would admit it , but I actually think we were a little excited to get to play again . It 'd been a while since we 'd gotten to work on any music . . . at least a month . Jeremy passed out parts to some new pieces to see what we thought of them and I 'll have to admit that he has good taste . Plus , he 's a viola player so he didn 't give us blow off parts . It was great ! ! I was so ecstatic that at the end of class , I went up and gave him a hug . I thought back to the evening before when we were talking on the phone . " Apparently they were a little too subtle cause I didn 't catch on . But I 'm excited ! " The next couple of days were a mixture of good and bad . Good because I got to see Jeremy everyday and he was total eye candy , but bad because he was as repetitive and boring as my old teacher . We kept playing the same parts over and over and over again until we perfected it , so I decided to be a little devious . He shot me a glare soooo mean . " Yes , Amy , we do . " He raised his hands to conduct us over the same part again and I didn 't even bother playing . " Amy , you 're part of the viola section , yes ? " He didn 't look too happy . I could only hope that this would result in a spanking after school ! No such luck , however . He simply sat down and said , " Which means you 've perfected it , I assume ? " " Yes , " he turned the metronome on and the fast clicks matched the beating of my heart . Arggh , that damn thing drives me crazy ! It 's so we can keep the beat and I literally despise it . Jeremy knows that . Scowling , I raised my instrument and played the measures that we 'd had to keep repeating . Of course , I failed miserably . Surprise ? I think not . " I didn 't ? Seemed to me like you were showing out and practically asking for . . . . " he stopped dead in his sentence . " Oh . . . I see . So you want a . . . ? " he paused , not completing his sentence or allowing me to answer him . " Well , we 'll see about that , " he concluded , then walked off , leaving me standing in the front of the class , stunned . I racked my brain the rest of the day to try and figure out what in God 's name he had been getting at . I mean , it looked like I 'd earned my spanking , but it didn 't sound like it 'd be one that I 'd like . I spent the rest of the day fidgeting , waiting for the minutes to pass so the final bell would ring . Of course , you know how those days are . They crawl by endlessly as if they 're waiting for Christmas . I felt like I was waiting for Christmas ! I tried to find Jeremy after school to see what his deal was , but he was nowhere to be found . I tried calling his cell phone , but no answer . There was this feeling in my stomach that I didn 't particularly care for too much . Why was he avoiding me ? Instead of going straight home like I would have normally done , I went to the park for a minute to smoke a cigarette or two . Yes , it was illegal and no , my parents didn 't know I did it , nor did Jeremy . In fact , I think the only people who did were the runners on the track who saw me about once a week smoking the same pack of Salems . I only did it when I was really pissed or really stressed , and at this point in time , I couldn 't figure out what it was that I was feeling . I had sudden images of Jeremy 's tall frame dragging me across the parking lot of the park towards his car . Didn 't like the sound of that . " Um , I 'll be there in a couple of minutes . " I hauled ass to my car , smirking slightly . Brats like me * always * got what they wanted ! What I wanted was a good spanking from Jeremy . . . when did I not want that ? And now I was going to get it , just like a real punishment . . . just like the first time he spanked me ! I shifted nervously in anticipation on my drive to Jeremy 's apartment . The music was blaring , but I couldn 't hear it . . . my heart was thumping too loudly . I finally pulled up to his place and knocked slightly on the door . He groaned and moved his hands towards the button on my jeans . " Well , you wanted it , and you got it , " he told me then quickly undid my jeans and tugged them down to the floor angrily . He might as well have shoved me over the table , cause that 's what it felt like he was doing . I leaned over the table , arms under me , catching a sort of chill from being bared from the waist down . It was silent for a couple of seconds and then I heard it : the clanging sound and then leather sliding through loops . Ohhhh no ! The pain was crazy ! True , I 'd wanted a spanking , but not this ! Each deafening smack was landing ontop of another , then followed by my screams and apologies . " I am SICK of your defiance , Young Lady , " he bellowed , not allowing me breathing time to regain myself . " And I will not tolerate this any longer . Anymore lip out of you and you 'll be one very very sorry little girl , do you understand ? " " You better be , because this will be a piece of cake compared to what happens if we have this problem again . " He finished up with a very hard smack to each thigh then sat me down at the dining room table . He took out three sheets of paper and wrote at the top of the first one " I will do as I 'm told in class and not make inappropriate comments . " He patted my head . " Good girl , " he said , then smirked and handed me the pencil , then made his way to watch tv . I glowered at him from across the room . Lines are NOT fun ! Misc Story . Kelsie has recently moved in with her older half brother after her parents ' death . After failing to study for her test , she and her two friends decide to cheat , but get caught and suspended . The ever - intelligent trio make up a complex series of lies , and eventually get caught . Hence , the " pants on fire " part of the title . It really isn 't in my nature to lie , but sometimes , it 's just easier to get out of things . And even I knew that lying wouldn 't help . . . Chris didn 't have to add that in our weekly discussions about philosophy . I guess you 're probably wondering not only why I did it , but what exactly I did . Well , it 's a long story , but if you 're willing , then carry on . Hopefully this will be a philosophy lesson that you 'll actually learn from . . . I know it was for me . I was sitting across from him in what I deemed " my chair " since I had sat in it twice a week for about three weeks , listening to my intelligent , 29 year old brother ramble on and on about different topics . He had just started teaching another year of college , and this year , the first book happened to be entitled " Lying . " I didn 't think it was much about philosophy , but being the fifteen year old I was , I didn 't really know much about philosophy anyway . That 's why I was so curious . I nodded . " Yeah . Unlike some of us , I have to get up * early * to go to class , " I teased , grinning at him . I rolled my eyes and stood , then tottled off to my room , waving goodnight . Lying on my bed with a cd playing softly , I sighed heavily . Week three of living with Chris . . . and it wasn 't so bad . I actually kind of enjoyed our late night discussions , and he was a good listener , when I felt like talking , which wasn 't often . . . and , well , it was cool having an older brother for once . But my parents had just died , and week three of living with Chris meant three weeks since their death , and that it was getting to be time to move on . But it 's so hard sometimes , especially when you spend so many years with the same parents , the same routines , in the same house . . . and then all of a sudden it 's all gone and you find yourself living with an older brother that you rarely saw otherwise , only talked to on the phone occasionally . I pushed the thoughts away from my mind . Chris cared about me , else he wouldn 't have offered to let me live with him . I still wanted to cry , though . But I decided to turn the music up instead and let it drown out my emotions . Chris was in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper . The typical thing one would expect to wake up to , only perhaps not their older brother , but maybe a father drinking coffee and reading , while the mother cooks breakfast . Again , I had to push the thoughts out of my mind . He nodded again , turning the page and finally folding the newspaper up and sitting it on the table . " Kel . . if you need me , I 'm here . You know that , right ? " " Yeah , me too , " Cara admitted . " And I 'm sure Tracey did , too . " Tracey was my other good friend . " But anyway , here it goes . . . since the test is on chapters thirteen , fourteen , and fifteen , why don 't we each pick a chapter to cram for during gym and then during the test we can just text the answers to certain questions to each other . " We walked inside our homeroom class and she patted me on the back . " We won 't get caught , " she assured me . " Think about it , though ? " I nodded . I mean , there wasn 't much to think about . If I did get caught cheating , I could just assure Chris that it was a last resort and I felt like I had to do it . Since the death of my parents and everything . . . I mean , come on , anyone would buy it ! My two friends and I met up to go to French together and I explained that it would be a good idea , no matter if we got caught or not . We split up the sections between the three of us and I immediately started studying my chapter . Cara and Tracey were a lot smarter than me , so they 'd catch on a lot quicker . I didn 't want to let them down by not studying enough . In gym we sat at the top of the bleachers and goofed off while studying a little . We helped each other come up with crazy acronyms to remember stuff , mostly using stupid phrases that didn 't make much sense and had loads of bad words in them . Finally , after our gym class we hurried to biology where we could get our phones all set up . I felt kind of bad about cheating like this , but I was usually the doormat between my friends . If they wanted to do something , I 'd probably do it , even if there was no logic in it . There was actually logic in this , though . What 's the worse that could happen ? And besides , I 'm sly , like my friends . There 's no way we could get caught ! My teacher handed out the tests , going over a couple of notes that she needed to make and then allowing us to begin . My heart thumped in anxiety . I looked at the test and noticed instantly that I was uncertain about many of the questions . I just went through and filled out the answers I knew , then felt my phone vibrating softly in my lap . I looked up and saw my teacher going through some papers in a file folder and glanced down at my phone , clicking that I wanted to read the message . It was Cara asking for the answers to a couple of questions , and not seconds later did Tracey ask for more answers . I finished the questions that I knew and started asking them for answers . It was actually going well . One cannot be too careful when cheating on a test , and I admit , we were very careful . Sometimes it took a couple of minutes before a friend would send me a message because the teacher was beginning to look around the room . Towards the end of the test , I realized that I still had over half of the answers blank . I started panicking and decided to just write all the numbers I needed in one long text message to both of my friends . I was getting a little too into it , I guess , because I neglected to see that my teacher had begun walking around a little . Luckily , I managed to get the message sent before she came towards my table . I quickly looked at some of the questions and racked my brain for what the answer might be . My fingers were shaking because I was so nervous . I felt my phone vibrate again and nervously looked at it where Cara had answered some of my questions . I memorized the few that she 'd given me then heard my teacher begin shouting . She was scolding my friend to no end , waving her phone around , then glancing at it to see that her two main contacts were Tracey and me . Without another word , she found a yellow slip and began scribbling down our names on it , ordering us to the office . I gulped . " You 're right , " Cara said , nodding . " I should have been more careful with my phone and we should have planned it out better . Next time we will . " " This time , " he began , pointing his finger at us , " you are getting off lightly . If this happens again , each of your parents will be notified immediately and you will be sent home for the week . Do you understand ? " I tried not to make a sour face when he said that , but truthfully , I was still a little crazy when people mentioned parents . I guess it happens to everyone . He didn 't notice that I was taken aback , though , and dismissed us to the I . S . S . room . You 'd think we 'd have felt ashamed being in that room with all of the people who just blow off school , but we had more fun than we should have . The teacher was old and senile and could barely hear , and if he did hear , we straightened ourselves up and pretended like we were engrossed in our studies , so he ended up blaming someone else . I caught my bus , waving goodbye to my friends and somehow mustering the courage to sit next to a cute guy . He didn 't talk to me much , though . He was more interested in the music he was listening to . In no time , I made it back to Chris 's house , and called Cara on my cell . He sat down on the recliner next to me . " I don 't know about that , Kelsie , " he said . " You 've missed enough school already . " I gave him a puppy face , but he wasn 't paying much attention . I 'm sure he was thinking about my pleas , since he 's all philosophical and stuff . And he can also see right through lies , for the most part . I desperately hoped that he didn 't catch me in this one , though . By dinner , my older brother had agreed to let me skip class . Unfortuantely , I had to take it one step at a time . The next morning I 'd start hassling him on letting me drive his car to Cara 's . I passed my driving test with flying colors . Things were a little shakey when I had to make a U - turn at a median and didn 't realize which side of the road I was supposed to be on , but otherwise , I did fine . I smiled big for my license picture and then Chris bought us a meal from Sonic which I quickly scarfed down . I couldn 't help but feel a little guilty because he thought I just innocently wanted to skip school . Truth was , I couldn 't go to school even if I wanted . The thought of that made it hard to swallow my food . I 'd had many silence bouts since I 'd lived with him so I 'm sure he excused it as thinking about my parents like always . Well , truthfully , I was sort of thinking about them and how upset they 'd be if they knew what I was doing . Here Chris was doing all he could and I was being a brat by lying to him . I don 't understand why schools think it 's a punishment when they suspend us . . . especially more than one of us at a time ! Man , I had a good time . I talked to Cara and Tracey on three way for a little while then turned my music up super loud and played an air guitar while jumping on my bed , then settled down to watch tv for a little while . Chris despised MTV so I hadn 't watched it much lately . Luckily , they were playing reruns of my favorite shows so I got to catch up on what I 'd missed . When he came home , I was so ecstatic I could barely contain myself . " Well , see , I have a test tomorrow and Cara got some last minute notes and said I could go over there and cram with her tonight . And I really really really wanted to stay the night and I thought it 'd be * great * if you let me drive the Eclipse , you know , as sort of a birthday present . " I was grinning from ear to ear . " Take the bus , a cab . . . or you can just drive my car , " I said , grinning . Yes , I had just turned sixteen and already had a car . I got most of my parents things after they passed away . I wasn 't much in the mood for hearing about how bad lying was , especially since I had lied to him about nearly everything the past couple of days . But I 'd always enjoyed having our time together , and I knew I 'd miss it if I didn 't sit in there with him . " Of course I would ! " I glanced at the clock : 7 : 25 . I wouldn 't call that late , but it was getting dark outside and I 'm sure she wouldn 't want me stalking in at nine . " We 're not going to finish ? " I nodded . " Okay then , " I said . I could feel something different in his voice and actions , though I couldn 't quite put my finger on it . He couldn 't know that I 'd lied to him , could he ? The three of us gathered our things and stalked down to the camp house , which was a tiny loft - like building near the lake . It was great for sleepovers and drunken nights , according to Amelia . Amelia was nineteen , but had her share of friends who were over twenty one , not to mention that she loved Tracey and me because we were natural trouble makers . We hadn 't been down there ten minutes before Cara was mixing us drinks . The first one I had was really gross and took me forever to drink , except that my two friends kept trying to get me to have chugging contests with them . After that drink , I made the rest of mine , and they weren 't too bad . Cara said I was a natural - born bartender . " Ohhhhh ! ! ! I just got a great idea ! ! " Cara shrieked , causing me to jump a little then start giggling in amusement . Tracey 's eyes were closed so I figured she was asleep . I digested that , not realizing that in order to go there , I 'd have to drive , and that driving was illegal in my condition . " GREAT IDEA ! " I announced . " Tracey ! ! Wanna go ? " Cara stood and helped me to my feet . We stumbled out the doorway and somehow managed to find my brother 's new car . I actually pet the damn thing , like it was a dog or something , then started talking to it , announcing that we were just going to take him out for a little ride , then we 'd come back home . Somehow , I managed to open the door without peeing all over myself , then reached over to unlock her side . After numerous tries , I got the key in the ignition , still not realizing I was in no condition to drive . I turned the car on and backed out of the driveway , concentrating as hard as I could . Cara wasn 't helping . She turned the music up as loud as it would go , singing and dancing along with it , until I was doing the same . So much that I hadn 't realized it started raining , nor did I realize that the light we were approaching was red and that a green Mustang was headed straight towards us . Guess I didn 't realize it til I heard screeching breaks and felt it slam into the side of my brother 's car . I screamed . Cara screamed . The cd kept playing . " Please don 't be too mad at me , Daddy , " I replied , weakly , swearing that the man speaking to me was my father . " I didn 't mean to wreck Chris 's car . I 'm sorry for drinking . . . please don 't be mad . . " And I don 't remember what happened after that . I guess the police brought Cara and me to the station , though I don 't remember the trip . I don 't remember them hauling me in and placing me in the hard plastic chair , either . I remember Cara giving me a worried look . " Too much , " I mumbled , looking around for a bag of any sort , finding a walmart sack with a shirt that I 'd bought a couple of days before . I dumped out the shirt and threw up into the bag a couple of times , beginning to cry for feeling so rotten . I 'd sort of fallen asleep in my bag of puke when we got home and Chris helped me out of the car , escorting me towards our house . I barely made it up the porch stairs without falling . Hell , if Chris hadn 't been there , I would have fallen and just slept in the yard . " Well , I 'm glad you told me that while you were sober and not half - passed out on the floor . But we 'll talk about that tomorrow . You 're coming to work with me in the morning . " The next morning I woke up by myself around six in the morning . I felt like complete and total hell . The first thing I noticed was that Chris was fallen asleep on the floor close by me . Then I wondered what the hell had happened . I looked at the ceiling and pieced my night together . Drinking , driving , accident , jail , vomiting . That 's about how it 'd went . I 'd never been told exactly what happened , but I wasn 't itching much to find out , either . I left Chris lying on the floor and stalked to the other bathroom to have a shower . I thought maybe a nice warm shower would ease the pain in my head and stomach , and make me feel a little better . The only thing it did was make me wish I was still sleeping so I wouldn 't have to deal with my brother 's disappointment . I dressed in something halfway nice because I 'd remembered Chris telling me that I was going to work with him . Or maybe I 'd just dreamed it . At any rate , I dressed decently anyway . I brushed my teeth half a dozen times to get the stupid throw up taste out of my mouth , then felt like gagging again . I went to the kitchen to think about eating , but passed and plopped down on the couch anyway , not feeling anymore rejuvenated . I was glad he didn 't want to talk about the previous night 's events so early in the morning . I wasn 't too clever at thinking up excuses that early . Of course , lying 's what got me into the whole mess , so maybe the truth would get me out . He drove me to the college in my car , parking miles away from campus and making me walk for what seemed like forever . His office and classroom were on the second floor , so we had to climb some damn stairs and I hate stairs . When we finally made it to his office , I plopped down across from him . I just looked around the room , reading the titles of the books on the bookshelf . I 'd expected well - known philosophers like Plato and Socrates , but there were only a couple of those . Most of them were books like the one he 'd been reading to me on lying . There was one about the existence of God , one about racism , and one about animal liberation . Then there were a few that looked like they hadn 't been opened in ages , some by Locke , Rosseau , Descartes . . . a bunch of guys that I didn 't care to read . After a few minutes , he looked at his watch , then up at me . " Come on . My first class is about to start . There 's some extra seats and you can grab one . " I nodded and followed him a couple of doors down to the classroom . I found an empty seat next to a dorky guy and a girl who looked like she was just taking the class ' cause she had to . Both extremes . The girl sort of smiled . The class fell quiet as my older brother went to the front of the room and began writing on the board , explaining things . His classes were just as interesting as our nightly discussions , and his lecture was just as he 'd discussed it with me the night before . Wow , it was hard to believe that the day before was my birthday . . . that within the last 24 hours , I 'd gone from being on top of the word to being in loads of trouble . How does this happen ? Other students came filing into the room . This wasn 't the same class , but an ethics class or something . Yeah , it just happened to be that when I lied the most , it was all being rubbed into my face . First a book about lying and next was making ethical decisions . What class would be next ? About two , we went home . He drove in silence . . . the kind of silence when you 're in deep thought . I guess he was racking his brain to figure out what he was going to do with me . I was sort of scared , to tell you the truth . I 'd never seen Chris so upset before . He never lost his temper and never really got upset . He always wanted to be calm and rational , and , well , lying was one of his pet peeves , and since he knew that I knew it was wrong from all of those damn conversations we 'd had , I guess this would be his time to get upset . " Ohh , I see . So I guess you and Cara cheated and then decided to make it look like just an innocent sleepover when you stayed at her house ? But wait . . . you didn 't go to school on your birthday . . " " Don 't lie to me , " he said , shooting me a look that caught me in the pit of the stomach . " You 've lied enough . It 's time to tell the truth . " " Oh , you 're right , it won 't happen again . Because in the first place , your car is mine for a very long time . I 'm sure when you go to court , you won 't be having a license for quite some time , and the community service you 're going to have will be outrageous . Secondly , you 'll be getting a job and saving up to reimburse me for my insurance costs and the fines I 'm going to pay . And thirdly , you 're going to get the spanking of your life . " I hadn 't gotten a spanking from Chris since I was a kid . In fact , I must have been eight and was staying with him for the weekend while my parents were away and strayed out a little too far after dark when he 'd told me to stay close and come home early . And that spanking had hurt like crazy , I 'd bawled for hours while I was over his knee and my pants and panties were down to my knees . But he couldn 't do that now , could he ? I was sixteen and older and . . . oh man . The look in his eyes told me that he * could * do it and he was going to , no matter what . " I 'm disappointed in you , Young Lady . I know you have a good head on your shoulders . Why 'd you have to let me down like this ? If you hadn 't lied , we would have been spared all of this mess , wouldn 't we ? Because cheating is dishonesty and lying , so without cheating , you wouldn 't have gotten suspended and lied to me about borrowing the car and hadn 't been staying at Cara 's house and wouldn 't have been drinking . See what one ' little ' lie can get you into ? " " Get on your knees on the couch , and bend over the back , " he ordered , then grabbed my upper arm , deciding that I needed his help . I did as told , throwing my arms over the back of the couch , bending over slightly with my bum up in the air . I 'd already started crying . I bawled to no end , bracing myself for the first lash of his belt . I knew the belt would feel loads worse than the last time he spanked me , using only his hand . But my dad had spanked me with his belt before when I got " too big for my britches " as he put it . My bum was hurting sooooo badly that I could barely feel it . He just kept spanking , though , til I was a sobbing mass . Actually , I 'd been a sobbing mass the whole time , but you know , when I 'd become so exhausted in my crying and struggles that I just kind of lay there limply . He put his belt back on and plopped down on the couch , helping me to his lap , where I sat down on my tender bum , even though it hurt like hell . But the fact that his arms were wrapped around me and he was hugging me tightly made up for that . " I love you so much , little sis , and it would hurt me so much to see something happen to you , " he said . Part of the Terrence / Brianna & Ashton / Ana series . Ana wants to go out with her boyfriend , but Ashton insists that she 's grounded . Ana sneaks out anyway , and Ashton catches her , giving her a good spanking right there in the living room without even taking into account that Bri 's sitting there watching . The next morning I woke up fairly late and everyone else was already up . . . everyone else being Ashton and Ana and they were at each others ' throats . I could actually hear them screaming from where I was sleeping . I pattered down the stairs in my pjs rubbing my still - sore bottom , trying to figure out what was going on . " You 're wrong there , Young Lady , it is a big deal , " he said , pointing a finger in his face . " When you begin lying to me about your schoolwork and casually forgetting to show me notes from your teachers , it is a big deal . " I sat down on the couch , trying to watch tv and ignore what was happening before my very eyes . . . but it 's like a car accident , you just can 't stop looking . " Ever since you started going out with that Blake guy this shit has been happening and frankly , I 'm tired of it . " She looked like she was about to explode . " You don 't understand ! I have to see him ! You can 't ground me ! I 'll go anyway ! " she said . I was beginning to find some sort of amusement in this , then I realized that I probably looked as pathetic when I was arguing with Terrence . I couldn 't help it , though . . . Ana was blowing it waay out of proportion . . . but that 's teenage angst for you . I perked up , especially when Ashton said , " I know she 's not . . . " The curtain was wide open and there was Ana , running across the yard to meet Blake in his car . Ah , yes , the crazy things we do for love and the drama I was about to see ! It 's really mean of me to wish such things upon my best friend , but I needed someone to humor me . She hurridely opened the door on the passenger 's side and jumped in . I saw her frantically yelling at Blake , and Blake was talking calmly and rationally back . Meanwhile , Ashton 's walking down the driveway and I swear I could see steam blowing out of his ears . Ohhh man , he was soooo mad . . I hadn 't seen him that mad since the first day of school when Ana kept smarting off . I guess Ana had been telling Blake to take off , but Blake was a little scared of Ashton and instead of obeying his girlfriend , he sat there in the driveway like a dud . Ashton ripped the door open and said something to her . Probably something like , " Get out . " He asked her two times to get out and when she wouldn 't budge , he grabbed her upper arm and tore her out of the car , saying a couple of words to Blake , then slamming the door shut . He hauled Anastasia back towards the house . He was walking so fast and angrily that I don 't think she was really walking . . . he was morely carrying her with one hand , scolding her the whole way . Ashton slammed the door enough to make the walls rattle . He dragged her inside the living room , still scolding . " . . . don 't know where you get this idea that you 're all high and mighty , but I 'm about to put a stop to that . You 're not going to deliberately disobey me like this . When I tell you not to do something , you are not going to do it whether I have to spank you everyday for the next two weeks or not . Do you understand me ? " He finally arrived at the couch perpendicular to the sofa I was sitting on . He angrily released his grip on her and wasted no time forcing her pants and panties down to the floor , then pulling her over his lap . I shifted nervously in my position semi - watching the scene and noting that my backside was still throbbing from last night so her 's would definitely be sore in a few minutes ! He lifted his hand high in the air and rained down smacks on her upturned bottom . It didn 't take long before she was screaming and pleading for him to stop , promising that she 'd be good and she wouldn 't do anything like that ever again . He wasn 't buying it and damn , he was spanking hard ! The sound of the slaps could be compared to thunder . . . that 's how loud they were ! She was bouncing up and down and kicking and bawling , but he kept up the rhythm , not slowing down a bit . Her backside was quickly turning red . He kept up a steady pace and must have spanked her for at least five minutes straight without even giving her so much as a breather . By the time he finished , her poor bottom was dark and she was shivering in pain . He lifted her up and pulled her panties up as well . When Ana came back in , her bottom looked as sore as ever and she hadn 't let up at all on her crying . Probably because she was scared shitless of having that damn switch applied to her backside . I 'd have been scared , too ! It didn 't look like it was going to feel so good ! Ashton took her upper arm in his hands and rushed the process along by leaning her over the dining room table which gave me too good of a view of the spanking . She buried her head in her arms and bawled for a little while , body shaking in sobs . I gave her my sympathy . . . It was bad enough to get a hand - spanking all on your thighs and sit - spots , which is what he did . But then , on top of that , he was going to spank her with a switch ! He pulled her panties down to her knees and gave her a countless amount of stinging whacks with that damn switch . Most of them were one right after another with no hesitation on Ashton 's part , but every so often Ana would squirm enough to make him slow down a bit . I have no idea how long he spanked her with the switch because by that time I was wincing each time I heard it hit her tender flesh . I was wishing it 'd be over , though not quite as much as Ana was , I 'm sure . He finally lifted her up off the table and she almost instantly fell into his arms in sobs . I almost started crying myself , then realized that I had completely given up to trying to watch tv instead of what was happening . Like I said , the same thing we do with car accidents . Ashton hugged his little sister tightly , rubbing her back and letting her cry in his arms . It was a pathetically adorable sight . After a while , she pulled away and he pushed her hair out of her eyes , holding her cheeks in his hands to where she was looking in his eyes . " Anastasia , I love you , but you 're not going to mess up your school grades to have a social life . School is more important . And you know I don 't tolerate you disobeying me like you did today . " She stood there for a minute , then came towards me , hugging me tightly . " You 're the best friend ever . . . I 'm sorry you had to see that . " Then , like it was a tradition or something , we walked hand in hand up the stairs and to her room . She washed her face good while I found her a pair of loose pajamas . She came back in the room and took a glance at her bottom , scrunching up her eyes . " Wow . . . that looks bad . " She pulled out her notebook and a worksheet , lying down on her stomach and scribbling down some answers . I helped her out with some of it , glancing through a magazine when she didn 't need the help . After a while , we got bored with doing our own thing and started talking , surprisingly , about spankings . I thought back , though it wasn 't a topic I actually liked to discuss . " The Chicago trip , " I said , remembering how we 'd gotten spanked by both Terrence and Ashton . " Our butts looked terrible ! " " Ohmygosh ! I remember that ! " I giggled back . See ? I knew one day we 'd be laughing about our previous spankings . " And I tried to pick a fight with him . Haha . . . that was funny . " " That damn paddle . . . I hate that thing ! " I admitted . " He used it on me after your birthday , when I convinced us to skip school for some strange reason . " I rubbed my bum , " that one hurt ! " I admitted . " I think that was the worst I 've ever gotten . And when I drank and drove . . . I don 't like thinking about those two nights . " " One thing about it , at least we deserved most of them . What about the ones we don 't deserve ? Like when I brought my cell phone to school ! " " Awww , Ana ! ! " I said , hugging her . " I know it 's nothing against you , but I 'm only leaving school and you 'll only have to stay there a year without me , though I know it 'll be tough , " I said , winking . " But either way , I 'm sorry for being so jealous about you and Blake . I know I 've been giving you a hard time about it , but sometimes it just seems like you don 't even listen to me . Like when I got Cosmo . " She laughed . " Oh , Bri . . . I 'm sorry for being that way . I didn 't realize I was ignoring you . Sometimes I get excited about random stuff and I don 't know how to shut up . Just tell me to shut up next time ! " " So ? I am , too ! We 're going to go on a double date . . " I didn 't have the heart , nor the time , to turn her down . Ashton was knocking on the door . I gulped . . . utoh . . . that was something else I didn 't particularily want to deal with . But at least Ana and I talked out our differences and I admitted that I was being annoying , so maybe the same would happen with Terrence . . . Hopefully Ashton wouldn 't tell him about my rampage the night before . I could only expect the worst . I mean , what would you do if she called you crying ? She hates crying in front of other people , including me . The fact that she called me in that state just scared me more . We didn 't speak for a while . I figured it was best to leave her be until she was ready to tell me what was going on . I was curious as hell , though , so I was glad when she said , " I wanna tell you something when we get home . " " A dare ? " I asked , raising my eyebrows , getting a little angry . " So you broke the law because someone dared you to ? Would you jump off of a bridge if someone dared you to ? " I know , I sounded like a grandpa . . . but I was so upset that I couldn 't help it ! That just pissed me off more . " We 're not going to discuss this right now . Go to bed , we 'll discuss it when you wake up , Young Lady . " I stretched out on the sofa , wondering what I was going to do about this . Sometimes it was hard to remember what it was like being twelve , but this particular instance , I remembered exactly what it was like . It was cool being the one who did all the dares . . . the one who would do anything . . . the fearless one who just knew they wouldn 't get caught . And Molly even fessed up to it , which showed a great sign of maturity , and I admired that . So would it really be necessary to punish her so severely ? I think the biggest punishment was the guilt she felt for letting someone else take the blame . She shuffled off , taking her time to get ready . She took a long shower , then dried her hair and fixed it all up in braided pigtails , then applied her makeup like she was going on a date or something . Finally , after a little over an hour , she was ready . She didn 't even bother turning the radio up to listen to whatever band she had in the cd player . I think she was a little nervous about what was going to happen with Cole , not to mention that she still had no idea how she was going to be punished by me . I 'd already told her that she was going to lose skating rink priveleges for the night as well as next Friday , since Cole was asked to leave early on a Saturday night . She sighed and got out of the car , poking out her lower lip and gently touching her backside . Ah , yes , she was suspecting what was going to happen , she just wasn 't sure yet . And quite truthfully , I wasn 't exactly sure , either . But we were to find out very soon . " Could 've fooled me , " she answered , smiling at me and waving to Molly as we stalked off to my office . I sat down behind my desk and she took a seat in front of me . I dialed the number that I 'd scribbled down on a sheet of paper the night before , then put it on speaker phone . " Um , I wanted to tell you that . . . It wasn 't Cole who made the prank call last night . I 'm sorry for getting him in trouble , but it wasn 't him . It was me . " She was quite taken aback until I explained to her that I was Molly 's guardian until her mother came back from a family emergency and I felt it appropriate to punish her in a similar way as her peer . With that statement , she was more than willing to let me know that Cole had been put on restriction from the skating rink for the next three weekends , and that he could not use the phone or internet for the week , nor could he hang out with any friends . Seemed like quite a punishment to me , but that was because I wasn 't used to putting Molly on restriction . I preferred to get it over with so she wouldn 't have to dwell on it . " You 're telling me . I felt sort of sorry for the kid . Thinking he was just helping his friend out but getting into so much trouble . " " Well , let me explain the situation to you . Someone at this skating rink committed a federal offense and her friend stood up and admitted to it when he hadn 't done anything to begin with . His parents were called and she felt totally embarrassed that her son would do such a thing , when he didn 't even do it . Then , when he got home , he was fussed at and scolded and probably sent straight to bed after being grounded for a week . It 's , what , nearly four o ' clock right now . . . so since he 's been awake this morning , he hasn 't been able to do anything but sit around in his room . Now , what do you think about that ? " " I don 't know about that , but I did like it when she said that he couldn 't come to the rink for the next two weekends . I think that since I have to work anyway and I don 't want you staying at home by yourself , instead of not being able to come here for two weeks , I 'll have you write lines next weekend and allow you to come back the next weekend without being grounded for a week . But I also think that a spanking is in order . " I could see her weighing her punishments as I drove home . I was also weighing them . I had no idea which I 'd rather she choose , though I was leaning towards the spanking . As much as I hated hurting her like that , I don 't think I could bear to see her moping through the house for a week . The worst part about that would be that I 'm such a softie that I 'd end up letting her do something . Hopefully she wasn 't thinking about that . . . She bit her lower lip . " Erm . . . I never thought I 'd say this . . . but , um , I 'd rather take the . . . er , spanking , " she stammered . I tried not to breathe a sigh of relief . I pep talked myself not to go as easy on her as I 'd wanted . I mean , I was proud of her for standing up and taking responsibility , but couldn 't she have done that the night before when I first addressed the question ? " Very well then , come here , " I sat down on the couch and she followed me , standing in front of me . " I want you to know that I 'm very disappointed in you for lying , " I said , and before she opened her mouth to refute my statement , I added , " I know that you don 't consider it exactly lying , but it 's still dishonesty because you didn 't fess up to the truth . I think I 'm more disappointed in that than what you actually did . " She inched closer and I unbuttoned her jeans , lowering him to her knees before turning her over my lap . She whined slightly as she found herself in that position once again . I tugged her panties down to meet her jeans and took a deep breath in , bracing myself . She was most likely doing the same . I ignored that comment and slapped down again and again , concentrating mainly in the same spots on her cheeks . It didn 't take much spanking before she was squirming . I 'll have to admit , I had started the spanking off a little more severe than usual . I kept up the spanking , focusing on her sitspots for a little while and noting that her sobbing usually meant that she was broken . Now , while she probably deserved a bit more , it just wasn 't in my heart . I truly felt like she 'd learned her lesson and that she honestly wouldn 't do anything so stupid again . But just to make sure , I wanted to hear it from her . I delivered about three more smacks to each cheek and then two very heard smacks to her thighs . She wailed then lay limply over my lap . I let her lie there for a few minutes until she realized that I was all finish . She was probably a little shocked that the spanking had been so short . I was a little shocked myself . I lifted her off my lap and looked into her big blue eyes , full of tears . " Listen to me good , Molly . I am very disappointed in you , but I trust you 've learned your lesson . Can I rest assured that you won 't be putting the blame on anyone else ? " She nodded , wiping the tears out of her eyes . I hugged her tightly then dismissed her to her room to get herself cleaned up . It was Sunday night and nothing great would be happening at work , so I decided it 'd be a good night to hang out with Molly and watch tv . The next day was a school day anyway and she had her big volleyball game , so she 'd probably be going to bed early anyway . She smiled , resting her head on my shoulder and petting her cat softly . We went through our typical Sunday night tv schedule , finally watching Full House and then some stupid Ashton Kutcher show on MTV . Finally I carried Molly off to bed and tucked her in , just in time for my phone to ring . I kissed my babe 's forehead and ran to the phone . " Hey Brian , " I heard the voice say . It sounded strikingly familiar . . . like an old friend I haven 't talked to in a while . . . " It 's Rachel . . . I know you 've been calling me a lot lately , and sorry it 's taken so long for me to get back to you . Law School is hectic ! " she teased . " Kick ass ! " I squealed , doing the happy dance . I had a good friend who lived in Dallas . Her name was Aneesa and she was 17 . Carlos had some friends in Dallas , too , so the chances were that he 'd let me go out and he 'd go out on his own . My friend , Sara , butted in . " They 've got a really cool club in Dallas called Club Uropa . My boyfriend took me there for my eighteenth birthday . " " No , it 's eighteen and over . . . " she said , not catching that I was three years younger than she . " Oh , right . . " she said , then took out her license , putting it near my face . " You know , really , we don 't look that much different . My hair 's a little shorter , but the pic was taken when I was sixteen . . . so hair grows . " She paused as I stared directly at her trying to get what she was saying . When I didn 't answer , she said , " so , do you want to borrow my ID for your trip to Dallas ? " I glanced at her . " Wait . . . " I took the license from her hand . She was right , we did resemble each other enough . Brown hair , blue eyes , about the same height . The only thing I 'd have to memorize was her full name and birthday , then I 'd be set . The next problem . " What am I going to tell Carlos , though ? He knows Dallas well enough to know there aren 't any clubs I can get into . " " Don 't you have a friend who lives there ? Tell him that you guys are going to see a late movie or something . Anything . You gotta go clubbing and tell me all about it ! " I think Michelle was more excited than me . She told me hundreds of things that I just had to do and made me promise to pick her up a good - looking guy . Friday morning , Sara gave me her license , and that afternoon , I was off to Dallas with my step brother . He ignored me and sang anyway . I have to admit , at least it was good music . I mean , I enjoyed it . The name of the band was La Ley . . . I understood some of the lyrics , but not every last word . After all , he was the bilingual one , not me . I only spoke enough Spanish to get by . At least that was more than Michelle , who could say " Hola , como estas ? " and you still really couldn 't tell what she was saying . . . " We haven 't discussed that much yet . . . but you have to let me go with her , and we 'll meet you back at the hotel at like , one . . " when he gave me the look , I added , " or something . I don 't know . We 're in Dallas , no parents . . . we gotta have fun , Carlos ! You can go hang out with your guys and pick up some hott chicks and I 'll hang out with Aneesa and pick up some sexy dudes . " But I think I 'd convinced him anyway . We didn 't talk much more about it . Most of our conversations consisted of what the hell the song was saying on the cd or whether we were going to make a quick pit stop ( so I could waste his money on chips and soda ! ) . We got in Dallas about seven and checked into the hotel our parents had reserved for us . Ohhh man , saying it was nice was an understatement ! They must have had a great anniversary and decided to stock us up as well ! And the best part : it was downtown ! I 'd say it was about two miles or so from the club I wanted to go to . That meant that I wouldn 't have to bug Aneesa to drop me off or anything . She couldn 't exactly go to the club . . . but she was ecstatic that I was going and made me promise to call her if anything out of the ordinary happened . So I could take a taxi to the club ! Super cool points for my parents ! " Grrr fine ! I 'll call Aneesa and see what she wants to do . " When he turned his back , I gave him a very evil look while dialing my friend 's number . " Hey , ' Neese . . . Carlos is bugging me about what we 're going to do tonight . " " Ummm . . . " she thought for a second . " We can go to the mall or something til they close . . . Ohh ! There 's going to be a kickass concert tonight down here in Deep Ellum at this place called the Gypsy Tea Room . Ya gotta be seventeen to get in , but if you don 't tell him , I 'm sure he won 't know . Or you can just tell him that tonight it 's all ages . " Ach ! That made me kind of regret that I was sort of lying to him about what I was going to do . . . " I know , but I 'm not stupid . I am almost sixteen , ya know . I can handle myself . " He glared at me . " Anyway . . . I should be in by two , at the latest , and I expect you to be here by then as well , understand ? " While he was showering , I watched tv for a little while , playing in my mind what would happen during the night . Carlos didn 't know it , but I 'd brought something to wear to the club . . . something I 'm sure he wouldn 't exactly approve of . Come to think of it , I don 't think he approved of most of my clothing . But this . . . it brought a new meaning to the word " clevage . " It was a halter top that showed more than it covered up . Now , of course , I wouldn 't wear it out of the house with him around . If he happened to be home before I left , I 'd wear a T - shirt over it . Yeah , rock concert ya know . Gotta love ' em ! His back was turned but I knew he was rolling his eyes , like always . He ran the comb through his hair , making sure it was slicked just right . He was wearing blue jeans with that damn belt I hated and a dark green polo shirt . " Do I look okay ? " he asked as he turned around . " Yeah , that 's what I thought . " He paused , tying his shoe , then putting the other one on . " Well , just be careful , like I said . . . and when you come home , pretend like you were actually wearing something , but it was hot in the hotel so you had to take it off . " He stood up , kissed my head , then grabbed his keys and wallet . " I 'm out . I 'll have my phone on if you need me . Stay out of trouble . " I really did deck myself out . I was determined to make myself look as old as my ID said I was . I dryed my hair then straightened it . I caked on the makeup like my life depended on it , finishing it off with some bubblegum lipgloss that just made me happy . Lastly , I somehow managed to fit in my super tight jeans , a size smaller than I usually wear , then put on my strapless bra , and slipped on my halter top . I sprayed some body splash on me and put on some shoes and socks , just in time to hear my friend knocking on the door . " I 'm sure you will . Especially since the ID itself isn 't fake . They can usually spot fake ones , but even if they scanned that one , they 'd know it was real . " I nodded . " I 'm proud of him . He 's usually so dull you 'd think he picks up girls from school . But now he 's actually trying ! " That 's where the two of us were different . She was a little more on the punk side than I was . I mean , punk 's not the word . . . punk 's a new school name . She was old school , listened to 90s rock like Nirvana and Korn , bands like that . Then she had this weird thing about Indie rock music . . . She didn 't even listen to punk . I liked some 90s rock , and some Indie bands , but I wasn 't much of a fan . Actually , looking at the two of us at that moment , you probably would have thought we were step sisters instead of friends . We didn 't look or act anything alike . " There 's a techno club in Austin that Carlos loves to go to . He said it 's filled with hott Mexican guys . . . well , he didn 't say they were hott . . . but you know . Maybe for your birthday we can go . I know you like techno ! " We got to her car and drove around for a while , catching up on the old times . She informed me on how school was going and the like , and I told her all about my end of the world . I told her about my mom 's anniversary . . . Aneesa had known me forever , even before my mom had gotten married . She shook her head . Embarrassing as it is for your friend to know that you get spanked , I went ahead and told her the story anyway . All about how I was caught doing stupid stuff and how he made me sit with him while he worked and then spanked me on top of everything else . But the whole time he was there for me . . . held me while I was scared and crying , talked to me about it rationally . . . not all brothers would do that . Some would just be like " whatever " and go on with their lives . Not Carlos . " I 'm just going to park here and we can walk to our places . The club is right next to the Tea Room if you need me . Just call my cell , I 'll have it on and on vibrate so I can feel it . Be careful , okay ? No drugs ? " She walked with me a little while until we found the club . My heart began to thump wildly inside my check . There was a line along the wall of the building , tons of people crowded together , their IDs out , money in their hands . They were all so much older than me . . . they 'd have to know I was three years younger than them ! " You know it ! " I said , giving her a hug , then stalking off to the end of the line , taking out Sara 's ID . I kept repeating her full name to myself , and her birthday . Then , as if I didn 't have enough numbers floating around in my brain , I decided to memorize her address as well . By the time I got to the front of the line , I 'd memorized almost the entire license . So much that if they asked me , I 'd probably mix up the numbers . Oh well , all that time learning was wasted anyway because all the did was glance at the ID , glance at me , then mark two big X 's on my hands . YAY ! ! ! I gave the man my money and headed inside , taking a right turn towards a dance floor . I decided to tour for just a minute . In this room there was a cage that some girls were dancing in with their drinks in their hands , just like something out of the Real World , and then there was a dance floor where tons of people were meshed together rubbing their bodies against each other . Did I mention I have NO rhythm whatsoever ? I pushed passed the crowd of people and found another room that was quieter and playing techno music with a tv showing the dance floor next door . There were couches and stuff in there so I figured that was where everyone made out . Lucky them . I decided to go back to the dance floor and try my hardest to move my body to the music . At that moment I was so full of adrenaline that I didn 't care much about my rhythm . I was so excited to be in the club . . . illegally ! Doing illegal things is always an adrenaline rush . I wouldn 't recommend it , though . . . causes too much trouble ! Anyway , so there I was on the dance floor , shaking my ass and looking absolutely pathetic , and all of a sudden this realllly cute guy comes up to me ! We start dancing together , his arms around my stomach and my arms high in the air as I shake my ass closer and closer to his groin area . Sorry ! Can 't help it . . I 'm a female ! What else was I supposed to do . . . just stand there and let him lead ? No way ! So this went on for a little while then he finally turns me around so we 're facing each other . His cologne smelt great ! I kept my arms around his neck so maybe some of it would rub off on me and I 'd be able to smell him through the night to remember how great looking he was . Of course , thinking about cologne made me think about Carlos and I wondered if he was having a good time then I felt guilty because he thought I was somewhere that I wasn 't . . . Noooo , bad Danielle ! You should NOT ask anyone to buy alcohol for you ! They might feel obligated and then if they got caught they 'd end up in jail ! We danced a little longer then he disappeared to get some more to drink and promised that we 'd see each other again later . Of course , it wasn 't long before I found a really hott Latino guy dancing alone . I guess I 'm like my mom in the sense that I can 't resist Hispanics . I love their accents , I love Spanish , and they 're just beautiful . So , I went and danced with him . I think he was sort of surprised . I was now faced with a dilemma . Should I take it or not ? If I were a good little sister , and a good friend , I 'd have said no . . . " Si ! " He grabbed my hand and led me to the bar , but I stayed closer to the dance floor so he could buy the drinks without them seeing me . Minutes later he came back with two Bud Lights . He handed one to me and I was going to chug the damn thing , but it was so gross and I really don 't like beer , so ya know . . . I took sips . We danced a little longer and I wasn 't even halfway finished with my beer when he finished his off . He excused himself to go get another and I sort of stayed on the dance floor shaking my ass and sipping my drink when someone tapped me on the shoulder . I was expecting it to be that hott guy I 'd left earlier for the Latino , but was sort of surprised when I turned around . He shook his head and grabbed my elbow , dragging me to where he friend stood . He proceeded to talk to his friend in Spanish , saying something to the effect of having to go but letting him know when he came back to Dallas . Hell , how would I know ? I don 't speak Spanish . I hated to interrupt him while he was cursing to himself in Spanish , but I had to . . . " Carlos ? Aren 't you going to call a cab ? " " Hell no I 'm not going to call a cab . The hotel is only two miles away and we 're walking . And oh , little girl you better HOPE that I blow off some steam while we 're walking because right now I 'm VERY upset . " I swear , that was the longest two miles I 've ever walked . First of all , it was the middle of the night . Secondly , Carlos was dragging me the whole way and we must have passed a dozen good - looking college guys on the way . Thirdly , I was hot and sweaty enough as it was , and all this fast walking was just making it worse ! But I couldn 't even complain . . . I was scared to even talk seeing Carlos like that , much less complain . If I 'd complained , God only knows what he 'd have done . . . maybe even start spanking me right there in the middle of the street ! I can only imagine how many college guys would have been around to see that ! " Seriously , Danielle . What goes through your head when you walk into a nightclub with a bunch of older guys wearing that shit . Not to mention that you somehow managed to get a beer and no telling what the asshole who bought it for you could have slipped in it . Not to mention that you are only FIFTEEN YEARS OLD and could have gotten arrested for even being in the damn place . Tell me how the hell you managed to get in ! " " That shrugging 's not going to cut it , Young Lady . I trusted you to do as you were told , to stay out of trouble , to stay safe , and you blew it . You just lost any chance of me trusting you . All because of some stupid club you wanted to go to so you could pick up guys . You 're too young . You can pick up guys that are at least close to your age at concerts or at the mall or ANYWHERE that 's safe , but not a damn club . " " And to think , I thought that I could go out and have fun for a night and leave my little sister with her friend to do as she pleased . . . to do * legal * things I might add . Of course I was wrong . Guess next time we 'll just have to get up at the crack of dawn and come to Dallas to pick them up , huh ? " The obvious choice was letting Carlos spank me . I mean , not because he spanked less hard than my mom ( because he didn 't ) , but because I 'd already gotten griped at once and realized how stupid what I did was , and didn 't need to hear it from both mom and step - dad . Not to mention , my mom would probably have it where both of them spanked me , and it 'd always be better having one person spank you than two . " I just want you to know that I love you a lot , hermana , and I don 't want to see you getting into trouble . And I am very disappointed in what you did tonight . I honestly thought you knew better than to do that . " He held out a hand and helped me up then hugged me tightly . I could tell he was having one of those moments , thinking about how bad it 'd be if I 'd gotten raped or killed or something . You know , like on Lifetime movies . Ah well , at least he cared about me . That 's all that really mattered . I crawled into bed that night with the worst guilty feeling I 'd ever had . I think some part of me wished that he 'd have gone ahead and spanked me before bed , so then I wouldn 't feel so bad . The feeling you get when you let someone down really sucks , and doesn 't make it very easy to sleep . The conversation that he 'd had with me kept playing through my mind . . . the hurt in his voice , the look in his eyes . How could I let someone down like that ? I rolled back over on my back and stared at the ceiling . Carlos was throwing some clothes in the suitcase , or something . . . " I 'm so sleepy , though . . " I waddled towards him , hands behind my back , somewhat covering my bum . I stopped a little far away from the couch , seeing that belt and knowing that it wasn 't going to feel too good coming down across my backside . When he realized that I wasn 't going to inch up any closer , he grabbed my arm and tugged me towards him , then pulled my pj pants to my knees , leaving me standing there in only a T - shirt and panties . " Over my lap , " he commanded , but I was frozen in that position . He waited patiently for about thirty seconds then said it again , this time more firmly : " Danielle . . . Over my lap . . . now . " I tried to take a step forward but my brain must have targeted the wrong body part because instead I started talking . " Carlos . . . pleaseee don 't spank me ! I 'll be good and I won 't do it again and I 'm really really really sorry ! " " I gave you the choice and this was it . . . " he began , still holding that damn belt . " Now , get over my lap or I 'm going to pull you over here myself . " I took a tiny step forward . At least I was progressing a little . Of course , a little wasn 't enough . Carlos raised the belt up high , threatening me with it . It worked . Within seconds I was over his lap . I didn 't want more than I was already getting ! He positioned me as well as he could , then tugged my panties to my knees . He didn 't waste any time getting down to business . " I will not tolerate you pulling a stunt like you did last night , " he said , swatting my bottom with all of his strength the whole time he lectured . " What you did was dangerous and unacceptable . If I ever hear you sneaking into a club again , not only will I literally roast your bottom , but your mother and my father will both know about it and I 'm sure they 'll do the same , do you hear me ? " It wasn 't long til he stopped . Unfortuantely , it wasn 't over . I knew I still had to endure that damn belt and that wouldn 't be a pretty sight ! He suddenly lifted me up and put me over the arm of the sofa . " Keep your hands away , Danielle . This is the only warning I 'm going to give you . " I nodded in agreement as I felt my body being shifted down , my head buried into the cushions and my arms underneath it . I squeezed my eyes shut . As I awaited the first blow , my mind was racing on what all I 'd done to deserve this and how I 'd do it differently next time . . . and then he slapped the belt down on my tender backside and I let out a shriek and buried my face more into the cushions so it 'd be muffled a little . And he didn 't stop there . I 'd expected him to give me a little of a break , but he kept up a steady pace of spanking , one right after another , landing them almost right on top of each other . However , he had me pinned down for the most part , so the only movement I could make was kicking my legs and crying at the top of my lungs . I tried to plead with him , but everytime I attempted to let out a work , another blow was delivered to my battered backside . He concentrated mainly on my sitspots and thighs , which didn 't surprise me much because he knew that 's where it 'd hurt the most . It didn 't take long before I was broken and a sobbing mess , but he still didn 't stop . He put my nose in the corner . " Stay there until I get out of the shower , then you can have your shower , and then we 're going to discuss the situation a little . Be glad I 'm not making you write me an essay like last time . " Nonetheless , I kept my nose planted into the corner and regained my composure by the time Carlos got back in the room . He excused me to clean myself up and I did just that , taking a glance at my bum in the mirror in the process . Wow . . . it was redder than I 'd ever seen it and I could tell that it was going to bruise a little on the sitspots and thighs . No surprise there . . . He 'd been extra hard on me . . . but who could really blame him ? After I was all cleaned up and dressed , we sat down ( in some very hard chairs might I add ! ) and talked about how wrong what I did was . I think he knew that I understood everything , but he wanted to make sure that I realized he wasn 't just being an asshole when he spanked me . He wanted me to know that he really cared about me . Like I didn 't know already . . . but I guess some kids don 't realize it . The drive to the airport was the longest ride I 'd ever taken . . . at least it felt like it . I vowed to myself that next time I did something so stupid , it wasn 't close to a time in which I 'd be having to sit down for long periods of time . It seemed kinda weird , but I was getting sort of excited . I 've written over 200 spanking stories since the age of 15 . My work has been featured in CF Publications , and my first full - length ebook ( Spanked by Her Brother ) was published in April 2016 by LSF Publications . I love chatting with people , so feel free to add me on social media and strike up a conversation : ) Outside of spanking , I enjoy traveling , partying , philosophizing , thinking about sociology , guitar hero , roller coasters , and being spontaneous . View my complete profile |
Part of Practice Makes Perfect mini - series . Amy 's substitute teacher just happens to be Jeremy . And she 's kinda craving his special kind of attention . So she pushes every button til she gets it . It was the second week into the second semester of my senior year in high school and they still hadn 't found a replacement teacher for our orchestra conductor . All we had was substitutes who couldn 't tell the difference from a cello and a violin ( no offense if you don 't know the difference , but you 'd do us no good , either ! ) . So we were working on our second week of having not played with a surprise walked through the door that even I wasn 't expecting . " Guys ! It 's Jeremy ! " I whispered . They 'd known that Jeremy and I had been good friends back in the day and they knew that I was playing in the Centenary Orchestra with him . I yelled , " Whoooo ! ! ! Go violas ! " You know . . . like violas were cool or something . Yeah , orchestra was about the only class I was a smartass in because most of the people in there liked me . Jeremy smiled and continued . " And anyway . . . I 'm in my second year of college and since all you have to have is some college to be a substitute , I offered to take over her classes until they can find a replacement . " " Now . . . I know how Ms . Jones was . . . She was my teacher for at least seven years . I know what she does and does not tolerate , and you can expect me to be the same way . You will treat me with the same respect that you do her . I won 't allow you to goof off in class . Otherwise , we 'll be having a fun time and we 'll still get to compete in state competition and we 'll still get to go to Tennessee like she 'd planned . " Everyone got their things out of their lockers and started tuning up and stuff . No one would admit it , but I actually think we were a little excited to get to play again . It 'd been a while since we 'd gotten to work on any music . . . at least a month . Jeremy passed out parts to some new pieces to see what we thought of them and I 'll have to admit that he has good taste . Plus , he 's a viola player so he didn 't give us blow off parts . It was great ! ! I was so ecstatic that at the end of class , I went up and gave him a hug . I thought back to the evening before when we were talking on the phone . " Apparently they were a little too subtle cause I didn 't catch on . But I 'm excited ! " The next couple of days were a mixture of good and bad . Good because I got to see Jeremy everyday and he was total eye candy , but bad because he was as repetitive and boring as my old teacher . We kept playing the same parts over and over and over again until we perfected it , so I decided to be a little devious . He shot me a glare soooo mean . " Yes , Amy , we do . " He raised his hands to conduct us over the same part again and I didn 't even bother playing . " Amy , you 're part of the viola section , yes ? " He didn 't look too happy . I could only hope that this would result in a spanking after school ! No such luck , however . He simply sat down and said , " Which means you 've perfected it , I assume ? " " Yes , " he turned the metronome on and the fast clicks matched the beating of my heart . Arggh , that damn thing drives me crazy ! It 's so we can keep the beat and I literally despise it . Jeremy knows that . Scowling , I raised my instrument and played the measures that we 'd had to keep repeating . Of course , I failed miserably . Surprise ? I think not . " I didn 't ? Seemed to me like you were showing out and practically asking for . . . . " he stopped dead in his sentence . " Oh . . . I see . So you want a . . . ? " he paused , not completing his sentence or allowing me to answer him . " Well , we 'll see about that , " he concluded , then walked off , leaving me standing in the front of the class , stunned . I racked my brain the rest of the day to try and figure out what in God 's name he had been getting at . I mean , it looked like I 'd earned my spanking , but it didn 't sound like it 'd be one that I 'd like . I spent the rest of the day fidgeting , waiting for the minutes to pass so the final bell would ring . Of course , you know how those days are . They crawl by endlessly as if they 're waiting for Christmas . I felt like I was waiting for Christmas ! I tried to find Jeremy after school to see what his deal was , but he was nowhere to be found . I tried calling his cell phone , but no answer . There was this feeling in my stomach that I didn 't particularly care for too much . Why was he avoiding me ? Instead of going straight home like I would have normally done , I went to the park for a minute to smoke a cigarette or two . Yes , it was illegal and no , my parents didn 't know I did it , nor did Jeremy . In fact , I think the only people who did were the runners on the track who saw me about once a week smoking the same pack of Salems . I only did it when I was really pissed or really stressed , and at this point in time , I couldn 't figure out what it was that I was feeling . I had sudden images of Jeremy 's tall frame dragging me across the parking lot of the park towards his car . Didn 't like the sound of that . " Um , I 'll be there in a couple of minutes . " I hauled ass to my car , smirking slightly . Brats like me * always * got what they wanted ! What I wanted was a good spanking from Jeremy . . . when did I not want that ? And now I was going to get it , just like a real punishment . . . just like the first time he spanked me ! I shifted nervously in anticipation on my drive to Jeremy 's apartment . The music was blaring , but I couldn 't hear it . . . my heart was thumping too loudly . I finally pulled up to his place and knocked slightly on the door . He groaned and moved his hands towards the button on my jeans . " Well , you wanted it , and you got it , " he told me then quickly undid my jeans and tugged them down to the floor angrily . He might as well have shoved me over the table , cause that 's what it felt like he was doing . I leaned over the table , arms under me , catching a sort of chill from being bared from the waist down . It was silent for a couple of seconds and then I heard it : the clanging sound and then leather sliding through loops . Ohhhh no ! The pain was crazy ! True , I 'd wanted a spanking , but not this ! Each deafening smack was landing ontop of another , then followed by my screams and apologies . " I am SICK of your defiance , Young Lady , " he bellowed , not allowing me breathing time to regain myself . " And I will not tolerate this any longer . Anymore lip out of you and you 'll be one very very sorry little girl , do you understand ? " " You better be , because this will be a piece of cake compared to what happens if we have this problem again . " He finished up with a very hard smack to each thigh then sat me down at the dining room table . He took out three sheets of paper and wrote at the top of the first one " I will do as I 'm told in class and not make inappropriate comments . " He patted my head . " Good girl , " he said , then smirked and handed me the pencil , then made his way to watch tv . I glowered at him from across the room . Lines are NOT fun ! Misc Story . Kelsie has recently moved in with her older half brother after her parents ' death . After failing to study for her test , she and her two friends decide to cheat , but get caught and suspended . The ever - intelligent trio make up a complex series of lies , and eventually get caught . Hence , the " pants on fire " part of the title . It really isn 't in my nature to lie , but sometimes , it 's just easier to get out of things . And even I knew that lying wouldn 't help . . . Chris didn 't have to add that in our weekly discussions about philosophy . I guess you 're probably wondering not only why I did it , but what exactly I did . Well , it 's a long story , but if you 're willing , then carry on . Hopefully this will be a philosophy lesson that you 'll actually learn from . . . I know it was for me . I was sitting across from him in what I deemed " my chair " since I had sat in it twice a week for about three weeks , listening to my intelligent , 29 year old brother ramble on and on about different topics . He had just started teaching another year of college , and this year , the first book happened to be entitled " Lying . " I didn 't think it was much about philosophy , but being the fifteen year old I was , I didn 't really know much about philosophy anyway . That 's why I was so curious . I nodded . " Yeah . Unlike some of us , I have to get up * early * to go to class , " I teased , grinning at him . I rolled my eyes and stood , then tottled off to my room , waving goodnight . Lying on my bed with a cd playing softly , I sighed heavily . Week three of living with Chris . . . and it wasn 't so bad . I actually kind of enjoyed our late night discussions , and he was a good listener , when I felt like talking , which wasn 't often . . . and , well , it was cool having an older brother for once . But my parents had just died , and week three of living with Chris meant three weeks since their death , and that it was getting to be time to move on . But it 's so hard sometimes , especially when you spend so many years with the same parents , the same routines , in the same house . . . and then all of a sudden it 's all gone and you find yourself living with an older brother that you rarely saw otherwise , only talked to on the phone occasionally . I pushed the thoughts away from my mind . Chris cared about me , else he wouldn 't have offered to let me live with him . I still wanted to cry , though . But I decided to turn the music up instead and let it drown out my emotions . Chris was in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper . The typical thing one would expect to wake up to , only perhaps not their older brother , but maybe a father drinking coffee and reading , while the mother cooks breakfast . Again , I had to push the thoughts out of my mind . He nodded again , turning the page and finally folding the newspaper up and sitting it on the table . " Kel . . if you need me , I 'm here . You know that , right ? " " Yeah , me too , " Cara admitted . " And I 'm sure Tracey did , too . " Tracey was my other good friend . " But anyway , here it goes . . . since the test is on chapters thirteen , fourteen , and fifteen , why don 't we each pick a chapter to cram for during gym and then during the test we can just text the answers to certain questions to each other . " We walked inside our homeroom class and she patted me on the back . " We won 't get caught , " she assured me . " Think about it , though ? " I nodded . I mean , there wasn 't much to think about . If I did get caught cheating , I could just assure Chris that it was a last resort and I felt like I had to do it . Since the death of my parents and everything . . . I mean , come on , anyone would buy it ! My two friends and I met up to go to French together and I explained that it would be a good idea , no matter if we got caught or not . We split up the sections between the three of us and I immediately started studying my chapter . Cara and Tracey were a lot smarter than me , so they 'd catch on a lot quicker . I didn 't want to let them down by not studying enough . In gym we sat at the top of the bleachers and goofed off while studying a little . We helped each other come up with crazy acronyms to remember stuff , mostly using stupid phrases that didn 't make much sense and had loads of bad words in them . Finally , after our gym class we hurried to biology where we could get our phones all set up . I felt kind of bad about cheating like this , but I was usually the doormat between my friends . If they wanted to do something , I 'd probably do it , even if there was no logic in it . There was actually logic in this , though . What 's the worse that could happen ? And besides , I 'm sly , like my friends . There 's no way we could get caught ! My teacher handed out the tests , going over a couple of notes that she needed to make and then allowing us to begin . My heart thumped in anxiety . I looked at the test and noticed instantly that I was uncertain about many of the questions . I just went through and filled out the answers I knew , then felt my phone vibrating softly in my lap . I looked up and saw my teacher going through some papers in a file folder and glanced down at my phone , clicking that I wanted to read the message . It was Cara asking for the answers to a couple of questions , and not seconds later did Tracey ask for more answers . I finished the questions that I knew and started asking them for answers . It was actually going well . One cannot be too careful when cheating on a test , and I admit , we were very careful . Sometimes it took a couple of minutes before a friend would send me a message because the teacher was beginning to look around the room . Towards the end of the test , I realized that I still had over half of the answers blank . I started panicking and decided to just write all the numbers I needed in one long text message to both of my friends . I was getting a little too into it , I guess , because I neglected to see that my teacher had begun walking around a little . Luckily , I managed to get the message sent before she came towards my table . I quickly looked at some of the questions and racked my brain for what the answer might be . My fingers were shaking because I was so nervous . I felt my phone vibrate again and nervously looked at it where Cara had answered some of my questions . I memorized the few that she 'd given me then heard my teacher begin shouting . She was scolding my friend to no end , waving her phone around , then glancing at it to see that her two main contacts were Tracey and me . Without another word , she found a yellow slip and began scribbling down our names on it , ordering us to the office . I gulped . " You 're right , " Cara said , nodding . " I should have been more careful with my phone and we should have planned it out better . Next time we will . " " This time , " he began , pointing his finger at us , " you are getting off lightly . If this happens again , each of your parents will be notified immediately and you will be sent home for the week . Do you understand ? " I tried not to make a sour face when he said that , but truthfully , I was still a little crazy when people mentioned parents . I guess it happens to everyone . He didn 't notice that I was taken aback , though , and dismissed us to the I . S . S . room . You 'd think we 'd have felt ashamed being in that room with all of the people who just blow off school , but we had more fun than we should have . The teacher was old and senile and could barely hear , and if he did hear , we straightened ourselves up and pretended like we were engrossed in our studies , so he ended up blaming someone else . I caught my bus , waving goodbye to my friends and somehow mustering the courage to sit next to a cute guy . He didn 't talk to me much , though . He was more interested in the music he was listening to . In no time , I made it back to Chris 's house , and called Cara on my cell . He sat down on the recliner next to me . " I don 't know about that , Kelsie , " he said . " You 've missed enough school already . " I gave him a puppy face , but he wasn 't paying much attention . I 'm sure he was thinking about my pleas , since he 's all philosophical and stuff . And he can also see right through lies , for the most part . I desperately hoped that he didn 't catch me in this one , though . By dinner , my older brother had agreed to let me skip class . Unfortuantely , I had to take it one step at a time . The next morning I 'd start hassling him on letting me drive his car to Cara 's . I passed my driving test with flying colors . Things were a little shakey when I had to make a U - turn at a median and didn 't realize which side of the road I was supposed to be on , but otherwise , I did fine . I smiled big for my license picture and then Chris bought us a meal from Sonic which I quickly scarfed down . I couldn 't help but feel a little guilty because he thought I just innocently wanted to skip school . Truth was , I couldn 't go to school even if I wanted . The thought of that made it hard to swallow my food . I 'd had many silence bouts since I 'd lived with him so I 'm sure he excused it as thinking about my parents like always . Well , truthfully , I was sort of thinking about them and how upset they 'd be if they knew what I was doing . Here Chris was doing all he could and I was being a brat by lying to him . I don 't understand why schools think it 's a punishment when they suspend us . . . especially more than one of us at a time ! Man , I had a good time . I talked to Cara and Tracey on three way for a little while then turned my music up super loud and played an air guitar while jumping on my bed , then settled down to watch tv for a little while . Chris despised MTV so I hadn 't watched it much lately . Luckily , they were playing reruns of my favorite shows so I got to catch up on what I 'd missed . When he came home , I was so ecstatic I could barely contain myself . " Well , see , I have a test tomorrow and Cara got some last minute notes and said I could go over there and cram with her tonight . And I really really really wanted to stay the night and I thought it 'd be * great * if you let me drive the Eclipse , you know , as sort of a birthday present . " I was grinning from ear to ear . " Take the bus , a cab . . . or you can just drive my car , " I said , grinning . Yes , I had just turned sixteen and already had a car . I got most of my parents things after they passed away . I wasn 't much in the mood for hearing about how bad lying was , especially since I had lied to him about nearly everything the past couple of days . But I 'd always enjoyed having our time together , and I knew I 'd miss it if I didn 't sit in there with him . " Of course I would ! " I glanced at the clock : 7 : 25 . I wouldn 't call that late , but it was getting dark outside and I 'm sure she wouldn 't want me stalking in at nine . " We 're not going to finish ? " I nodded . " Okay then , " I said . I could feel something different in his voice and actions , though I couldn 't quite put my finger on it . He couldn 't know that I 'd lied to him , could he ? The three of us gathered our things and stalked down to the camp house , which was a tiny loft - like building near the lake . It was great for sleepovers and drunken nights , according to Amelia . Amelia was nineteen , but had her share of friends who were over twenty one , not to mention that she loved Tracey and me because we were natural trouble makers . We hadn 't been down there ten minutes before Cara was mixing us drinks . The first one I had was really gross and took me forever to drink , except that my two friends kept trying to get me to have chugging contests with them . After that drink , I made the rest of mine , and they weren 't too bad . Cara said I was a natural - born bartender . " Ohhhhh ! ! ! I just got a great idea ! ! " Cara shrieked , causing me to jump a little then start giggling in amusement . Tracey 's eyes were closed so I figured she was asleep . I digested that , not realizing that in order to go there , I 'd have to drive , and that driving was illegal in my condition . " GREAT IDEA ! " I announced . " Tracey ! ! Wanna go ? " Cara stood and helped me to my feet . We stumbled out the doorway and somehow managed to find my brother 's new car . I actually pet the damn thing , like it was a dog or something , then started talking to it , announcing that we were just going to take him out for a little ride , then we 'd come back home . Somehow , I managed to open the door without peeing all over myself , then reached over to unlock her side . After numerous tries , I got the key in the ignition , still not realizing I was in no condition to drive . I turned the car on and backed out of the driveway , concentrating as hard as I could . Cara wasn 't helping . She turned the music up as loud as it would go , singing and dancing along with it , until I was doing the same . So much that I hadn 't realized it started raining , nor did I realize that the light we were approaching was red and that a green Mustang was headed straight towards us . Guess I didn 't realize it til I heard screeching breaks and felt it slam into the side of my brother 's car . I screamed . Cara screamed . The cd kept playing . " Please don 't be too mad at me , Daddy , " I replied , weakly , swearing that the man speaking to me was my father . " I didn 't mean to wreck Chris 's car . I 'm sorry for drinking . . . please don 't be mad . . " And I don 't remember what happened after that . I guess the police brought Cara and me to the station , though I don 't remember the trip . I don 't remember them hauling me in and placing me in the hard plastic chair , either . I remember Cara giving me a worried look . " Too much , " I mumbled , looking around for a bag of any sort , finding a walmart sack with a shirt that I 'd bought a couple of days before . I dumped out the shirt and threw up into the bag a couple of times , beginning to cry for feeling so rotten . I 'd sort of fallen asleep in my bag of puke when we got home and Chris helped me out of the car , escorting me towards our house . I barely made it up the porch stairs without falling . Hell , if Chris hadn 't been there , I would have fallen and just slept in the yard . " Well , I 'm glad you told me that while you were sober and not half - passed out on the floor . But we 'll talk about that tomorrow . You 're coming to work with me in the morning . " The next morning I woke up by myself around six in the morning . I felt like complete and total hell . The first thing I noticed was that Chris was fallen asleep on the floor close by me . Then I wondered what the hell had happened . I looked at the ceiling and pieced my night together . Drinking , driving , accident , jail , vomiting . That 's about how it 'd went . I 'd never been told exactly what happened , but I wasn 't itching much to find out , either . I left Chris lying on the floor and stalked to the other bathroom to have a shower . I thought maybe a nice warm shower would ease the pain in my head and stomach , and make me feel a little better . The only thing it did was make me wish I was still sleeping so I wouldn 't have to deal with my brother 's disappointment . I dressed in something halfway nice because I 'd remembered Chris telling me that I was going to work with him . Or maybe I 'd just dreamed it . At any rate , I dressed decently anyway . I brushed my teeth half a dozen times to get the stupid throw up taste out of my mouth , then felt like gagging again . I went to the kitchen to think about eating , but passed and plopped down on the couch anyway , not feeling anymore rejuvenated . I was glad he didn 't want to talk about the previous night 's events so early in the morning . I wasn 't too clever at thinking up excuses that early . Of course , lying 's what got me into the whole mess , so maybe the truth would get me out . He drove me to the college in my car , parking miles away from campus and making me walk for what seemed like forever . His office and classroom were on the second floor , so we had to climb some damn stairs and I hate stairs . When we finally made it to his office , I plopped down across from him . I just looked around the room , reading the titles of the books on the bookshelf . I 'd expected well - known philosophers like Plato and Socrates , but there were only a couple of those . Most of them were books like the one he 'd been reading to me on lying . There was one about the existence of God , one about racism , and one about animal liberation . Then there were a few that looked like they hadn 't been opened in ages , some by Locke , Rosseau , Descartes . . . a bunch of guys that I didn 't care to read . After a few minutes , he looked at his watch , then up at me . " Come on . My first class is about to start . There 's some extra seats and you can grab one . " I nodded and followed him a couple of doors down to the classroom . I found an empty seat next to a dorky guy and a girl who looked like she was just taking the class ' cause she had to . Both extremes . The girl sort of smiled . The class fell quiet as my older brother went to the front of the room and began writing on the board , explaining things . His classes were just as interesting as our nightly discussions , and his lecture was just as he 'd discussed it with me the night before . Wow , it was hard to believe that the day before was my birthday . . . that within the last 24 hours , I 'd gone from being on top of the word to being in loads of trouble . How does this happen ? Other students came filing into the room . This wasn 't the same class , but an ethics class or something . Yeah , it just happened to be that when I lied the most , it was all being rubbed into my face . First a book about lying and next was making ethical decisions . What class would be next ? About two , we went home . He drove in silence . . . the kind of silence when you 're in deep thought . I guess he was racking his brain to figure out what he was going to do with me . I was sort of scared , to tell you the truth . I 'd never seen Chris so upset before . He never lost his temper and never really got upset . He always wanted to be calm and rational , and , well , lying was one of his pet peeves , and since he knew that I knew it was wrong from all of those damn conversations we 'd had , I guess this would be his time to get upset . " Ohh , I see . So I guess you and Cara cheated and then decided to make it look like just an innocent sleepover when you stayed at her house ? But wait . . . you didn 't go to school on your birthday . . " " Don 't lie to me , " he said , shooting me a look that caught me in the pit of the stomach . " You 've lied enough . It 's time to tell the truth . " " Oh , you 're right , it won 't happen again . Because in the first place , your car is mine for a very long time . I 'm sure when you go to court , you won 't be having a license for quite some time , and the community service you 're going to have will be outrageous . Secondly , you 'll be getting a job and saving up to reimburse me for my insurance costs and the fines I 'm going to pay . And thirdly , you 're going to get the spanking of your life . " I hadn 't gotten a spanking from Chris since I was a kid . In fact , I must have been eight and was staying with him for the weekend while my parents were away and strayed out a little too far after dark when he 'd told me to stay close and come home early . And that spanking had hurt like crazy , I 'd bawled for hours while I was over his knee and my pants and panties were down to my knees . But he couldn 't do that now , could he ? I was sixteen and older and . . . oh man . The look in his eyes told me that he * could * do it and he was going to , no matter what . " I 'm disappointed in you , Young Lady . I know you have a good head on your shoulders . Why 'd you have to let me down like this ? If you hadn 't lied , we would have been spared all of this mess , wouldn 't we ? Because cheating is dishonesty and lying , so without cheating , you wouldn 't have gotten suspended and lied to me about borrowing the car and hadn 't been staying at Cara 's house and wouldn 't have been drinking . See what one ' little ' lie can get you into ? " " Get on your knees on the couch , and bend over the back , " he ordered , then grabbed my upper arm , deciding that I needed his help . I did as told , throwing my arms over the back of the couch , bending over slightly with my bum up in the air . I 'd already started crying . I bawled to no end , bracing myself for the first lash of his belt . I knew the belt would feel loads worse than the last time he spanked me , using only his hand . But my dad had spanked me with his belt before when I got " too big for my britches " as he put it . My bum was hurting sooooo badly that I could barely feel it . He just kept spanking , though , til I was a sobbing mass . Actually , I 'd been a sobbing mass the whole time , but you know , when I 'd become so exhausted in my crying and struggles that I just kind of lay there limply . He put his belt back on and plopped down on the couch , helping me to his lap , where I sat down on my tender bum , even though it hurt like hell . But the fact that his arms were wrapped around me and he was hugging me tightly made up for that . " I love you so much , little sis , and it would hurt me so much to see something happen to you , " he said . Part of the Terrence / Brianna & Ashton / Ana series . Ana wants to go out with her boyfriend , but Ashton insists that she 's grounded . Ana sneaks out anyway , and Ashton catches her , giving her a good spanking right there in the living room without even taking into account that Bri 's sitting there watching . The next morning I woke up fairly late and everyone else was already up . . . everyone else being Ashton and Ana and they were at each others ' throats . I could actually hear them screaming from where I was sleeping . I pattered down the stairs in my pjs rubbing my still - sore bottom , trying to figure out what was going on . " You 're wrong there , Young Lady , it is a big deal , " he said , pointing a finger in his face . " When you begin lying to me about your schoolwork and casually forgetting to show me notes from your teachers , it is a big deal . " I sat down on the couch , trying to watch tv and ignore what was happening before my very eyes . . . but it 's like a car accident , you just can 't stop looking . " Ever since you started going out with that Blake guy this shit has been happening and frankly , I 'm tired of it . " She looked like she was about to explode . " You don 't understand ! I have to see him ! You can 't ground me ! I 'll go anyway ! " she said . I was beginning to find some sort of amusement in this , then I realized that I probably looked as pathetic when I was arguing with Terrence . I couldn 't help it , though . . . Ana was blowing it waay out of proportion . . . but that 's teenage angst for you . I perked up , especially when Ashton said , " I know she 's not . . . " The curtain was wide open and there was Ana , running across the yard to meet Blake in his car . Ah , yes , the crazy things we do for love and the drama I was about to see ! It 's really mean of me to wish such things upon my best friend , but I needed someone to humor me . She hurridely opened the door on the passenger 's side and jumped in . I saw her frantically yelling at Blake , and Blake was talking calmly and rationally back . Meanwhile , Ashton 's walking down the driveway and I swear I could see steam blowing out of his ears . Ohhh man , he was soooo mad . . I hadn 't seen him that mad since the first day of school when Ana kept smarting off . I guess Ana had been telling Blake to take off , but Blake was a little scared of Ashton and instead of obeying his girlfriend , he sat there in the driveway like a dud . Ashton ripped the door open and said something to her . Probably something like , " Get out . " He asked her two times to get out and when she wouldn 't budge , he grabbed her upper arm and tore her out of the car , saying a couple of words to Blake , then slamming the door shut . He hauled Anastasia back towards the house . He was walking so fast and angrily that I don 't think she was really walking . . . he was morely carrying her with one hand , scolding her the whole way . Ashton slammed the door enough to make the walls rattle . He dragged her inside the living room , still scolding . " . . . don 't know where you get this idea that you 're all high and mighty , but I 'm about to put a stop to that . You 're not going to deliberately disobey me like this . When I tell you not to do something , you are not going to do it whether I have to spank you everyday for the next two weeks or not . Do you understand me ? " He finally arrived at the couch perpendicular to the sofa I was sitting on . He angrily released his grip on her and wasted no time forcing her pants and panties down to the floor , then pulling her over his lap . I shifted nervously in my position semi - watching the scene and noting that my backside was still throbbing from last night so her 's would definitely be sore in a few minutes ! He lifted his hand high in the air and rained down smacks on her upturned bottom . It didn 't take long before she was screaming and pleading for him to stop , promising that she 'd be good and she wouldn 't do anything like that ever again . He wasn 't buying it and damn , he was spanking hard ! The sound of the slaps could be compared to thunder . . . that 's how loud they were ! She was bouncing up and down and kicking and bawling , but he kept up the rhythm , not slowing down a bit . Her backside was quickly turning red . He kept up a steady pace and must have spanked her for at least five minutes straight without even giving her so much as a breather . By the time he finished , her poor bottom was dark and she was shivering in pain . He lifted her up and pulled her panties up as well . When Ana came back in , her bottom looked as sore as ever and she hadn 't let up at all on her crying . Probably because she was scared shitless of having that damn switch applied to her backside . I 'd have been scared , too ! It didn 't look like it was going to feel so good ! Ashton took her upper arm in his hands and rushed the process along by leaning her over the dining room table which gave me too good of a view of the spanking . She buried her head in her arms and bawled for a little while , body shaking in sobs . I gave her my sympathy . . . It was bad enough to get a hand - spanking all on your thighs and sit - spots , which is what he did . But then , on top of that , he was going to spank her with a switch ! He pulled her panties down to her knees and gave her a countless amount of stinging whacks with that damn switch . Most of them were one right after another with no hesitation on Ashton 's part , but every so often Ana would squirm enough to make him slow down a bit . I have no idea how long he spanked her with the switch because by that time I was wincing each time I heard it hit her tender flesh . I was wishing it 'd be over , though not quite as much as Ana was , I 'm sure . He finally lifted her up off the table and she almost instantly fell into his arms in sobs . I almost started crying myself , then realized that I had completely given up to trying to watch tv instead of what was happening . Like I said , the same thing we do with car accidents . Ashton hugged his little sister tightly , rubbing her back and letting her cry in his arms . It was a pathetically adorable sight . After a while , she pulled away and he pushed her hair out of her eyes , holding her cheeks in his hands to where she was looking in his eyes . " Anastasia , I love you , but you 're not going to mess up your school grades to have a social life . School is more important . And you know I don 't tolerate you disobeying me like you did today . " She stood there for a minute , then came towards me , hugging me tightly . " You 're the best friend ever . . . I 'm sorry you had to see that . " Then , like it was a tradition or something , we walked hand in hand up the stairs and to her room . She washed her face good while I found her a pair of loose pajamas . She came back in the room and took a glance at her bottom , scrunching up her eyes . " Wow . . . that looks bad . " She pulled out her notebook and a worksheet , lying down on her stomach and scribbling down some answers . I helped her out with some of it , glancing through a magazine when she didn 't need the help . After a while , we got bored with doing our own thing and started talking , surprisingly , about spankings . I thought back , though it wasn 't a topic I actually liked to discuss . " The Chicago trip , " I said , remembering how we 'd gotten spanked by both Terrence and Ashton . " Our butts looked terrible ! " " Ohmygosh ! I remember that ! " I giggled back . See ? I knew one day we 'd be laughing about our previous spankings . " And I tried to pick a fight with him . Haha . . . that was funny . " " That damn paddle . . . I hate that thing ! " I admitted . " He used it on me after your birthday , when I convinced us to skip school for some strange reason . " I rubbed my bum , " that one hurt ! " I admitted . " I think that was the worst I 've ever gotten . And when I drank and drove . . . I don 't like thinking about those two nights . " " One thing about it , at least we deserved most of them . What about the ones we don 't deserve ? Like when I brought my cell phone to school ! " " Awww , Ana ! ! " I said , hugging her . " I know it 's nothing against you , but I 'm only leaving school and you 'll only have to stay there a year without me , though I know it 'll be tough , " I said , winking . " But either way , I 'm sorry for being so jealous about you and Blake . I know I 've been giving you a hard time about it , but sometimes it just seems like you don 't even listen to me . Like when I got Cosmo . " She laughed . " Oh , Bri . . . I 'm sorry for being that way . I didn 't realize I was ignoring you . Sometimes I get excited about random stuff and I don 't know how to shut up . Just tell me to shut up next time ! " " So ? I am , too ! We 're going to go on a double date . . " I didn 't have the heart , nor the time , to turn her down . Ashton was knocking on the door . I gulped . . . utoh . . . that was something else I didn 't particularily want to deal with . But at least Ana and I talked out our differences and I admitted that I was being annoying , so maybe the same would happen with Terrence . . . Hopefully Ashton wouldn 't tell him about my rampage the night before . I could only expect the worst . I mean , what would you do if she called you crying ? She hates crying in front of other people , including me . The fact that she called me in that state just scared me more . We didn 't speak for a while . I figured it was best to leave her be until she was ready to tell me what was going on . I was curious as hell , though , so I was glad when she said , " I wanna tell you something when we get home . " " A dare ? " I asked , raising my eyebrows , getting a little angry . " So you broke the law because someone dared you to ? Would you jump off of a bridge if someone dared you to ? " I know , I sounded like a grandpa . . . but I was so upset that I couldn 't help it ! That just pissed me off more . " We 're not going to discuss this right now . Go to bed , we 'll discuss it when you wake up , Young Lady . " I stretched out on the sofa , wondering what I was going to do about this . Sometimes it was hard to remember what it was like being twelve , but this particular instance , I remembered exactly what it was like . It was cool being the one who did all the dares . . . the one who would do anything . . . the fearless one who just knew they wouldn 't get caught . And Molly even fessed up to it , which showed a great sign of maturity , and I admired that . So would it really be necessary to punish her so severely ? I think the biggest punishment was the guilt she felt for letting someone else take the blame . She shuffled off , taking her time to get ready . She took a long shower , then dried her hair and fixed it all up in braided pigtails , then applied her makeup like she was going on a date or something . Finally , after a little over an hour , she was ready . She didn 't even bother turning the radio up to listen to whatever band she had in the cd player . I think she was a little nervous about what was going to happen with Cole , not to mention that she still had no idea how she was going to be punished by me . I 'd already told her that she was going to lose skating rink priveleges for the night as well as next Friday , since Cole was asked to leave early on a Saturday night . She sighed and got out of the car , poking out her lower lip and gently touching her backside . Ah , yes , she was suspecting what was going to happen , she just wasn 't sure yet . And quite truthfully , I wasn 't exactly sure , either . But we were to find out very soon . " Could 've fooled me , " she answered , smiling at me and waving to Molly as we stalked off to my office . I sat down behind my desk and she took a seat in front of me . I dialed the number that I 'd scribbled down on a sheet of paper the night before , then put it on speaker phone . " Um , I wanted to tell you that . . . It wasn 't Cole who made the prank call last night . I 'm sorry for getting him in trouble , but it wasn 't him . It was me . " She was quite taken aback until I explained to her that I was Molly 's guardian until her mother came back from a family emergency and I felt it appropriate to punish her in a similar way as her peer . With that statement , she was more than willing to let me know that Cole had been put on restriction from the skating rink for the next three weekends , and that he could not use the phone or internet for the week , nor could he hang out with any friends . Seemed like quite a punishment to me , but that was because I wasn 't used to putting Molly on restriction . I preferred to get it over with so she wouldn 't have to dwell on it . " You 're telling me . I felt sort of sorry for the kid . Thinking he was just helping his friend out but getting into so much trouble . " " Well , let me explain the situation to you . Someone at this skating rink committed a federal offense and her friend stood up and admitted to it when he hadn 't done anything to begin with . His parents were called and she felt totally embarrassed that her son would do such a thing , when he didn 't even do it . Then , when he got home , he was fussed at and scolded and probably sent straight to bed after being grounded for a week . It 's , what , nearly four o ' clock right now . . . so since he 's been awake this morning , he hasn 't been able to do anything but sit around in his room . Now , what do you think about that ? " " I don 't know about that , but I did like it when she said that he couldn 't come to the rink for the next two weekends . I think that since I have to work anyway and I don 't want you staying at home by yourself , instead of not being able to come here for two weeks , I 'll have you write lines next weekend and allow you to come back the next weekend without being grounded for a week . But I also think that a spanking is in order . " I could see her weighing her punishments as I drove home . I was also weighing them . I had no idea which I 'd rather she choose , though I was leaning towards the spanking . As much as I hated hurting her like that , I don 't think I could bear to see her moping through the house for a week . The worst part about that would be that I 'm such a softie that I 'd end up letting her do something . Hopefully she wasn 't thinking about that . . . She bit her lower lip . " Erm . . . I never thought I 'd say this . . . but , um , I 'd rather take the . . . er , spanking , " she stammered . I tried not to breathe a sigh of relief . I pep talked myself not to go as easy on her as I 'd wanted . I mean , I was proud of her for standing up and taking responsibility , but couldn 't she have done that the night before when I first addressed the question ? " Very well then , come here , " I sat down on the couch and she followed me , standing in front of me . " I want you to know that I 'm very disappointed in you for lying , " I said , and before she opened her mouth to refute my statement , I added , " I know that you don 't consider it exactly lying , but it 's still dishonesty because you didn 't fess up to the truth . I think I 'm more disappointed in that than what you actually did . " She inched closer and I unbuttoned her jeans , lowering him to her knees before turning her over my lap . She whined slightly as she found herself in that position once again . I tugged her panties down to meet her jeans and took a deep breath in , bracing myself . She was most likely doing the same . I ignored that comment and slapped down again and again , concentrating mainly in the same spots on her cheeks . It didn 't take much spanking before she was squirming . I 'll have to admit , I had started the spanking off a little more severe than usual . I kept up the spanking , focusing on her sitspots for a little while and noting that her sobbing usually meant that she was broken . Now , while she probably deserved a bit more , it just wasn 't in my heart . I truly felt like she 'd learned her lesson and that she honestly wouldn 't do anything so stupid again . But just to make sure , I wanted to hear it from her . I delivered about three more smacks to each cheek and then two very heard smacks to her thighs . She wailed then lay limply over my lap . I let her lie there for a few minutes until she realized that I was all finish . She was probably a little shocked that the spanking had been so short . I was a little shocked myself . I lifted her off my lap and looked into her big blue eyes , full of tears . " Listen to me good , Molly . I am very disappointed in you , but I trust you 've learned your lesson . Can I rest assured that you won 't be putting the blame on anyone else ? " She nodded , wiping the tears out of her eyes . I hugged her tightly then dismissed her to her room to get herself cleaned up . It was Sunday night and nothing great would be happening at work , so I decided it 'd be a good night to hang out with Molly and watch tv . The next day was a school day anyway and she had her big volleyball game , so she 'd probably be going to bed early anyway . She smiled , resting her head on my shoulder and petting her cat softly . We went through our typical Sunday night tv schedule , finally watching Full House and then some stupid Ashton Kutcher show on MTV . Finally I carried Molly off to bed and tucked her in , just in time for my phone to ring . I kissed my babe 's forehead and ran to the phone . " Hey Brian , " I heard the voice say . It sounded strikingly familiar . . . like an old friend I haven 't talked to in a while . . . " It 's Rachel . . . I know you 've been calling me a lot lately , and sorry it 's taken so long for me to get back to you . Law School is hectic ! " she teased . " Kick ass ! " I squealed , doing the happy dance . I had a good friend who lived in Dallas . Her name was Aneesa and she was 17 . Carlos had some friends in Dallas , too , so the chances were that he 'd let me go out and he 'd go out on his own . My friend , Sara , butted in . " They 've got a really cool club in Dallas called Club Uropa . My boyfriend took me there for my eighteenth birthday . " " No , it 's eighteen and over . . . " she said , not catching that I was three years younger than she . " Oh , right . . " she said , then took out her license , putting it near my face . " You know , really , we don 't look that much different . My hair 's a little shorter , but the pic was taken when I was sixteen . . . so hair grows . " She paused as I stared directly at her trying to get what she was saying . When I didn 't answer , she said , " so , do you want to borrow my ID for your trip to Dallas ? " I glanced at her . " Wait . . . " I took the license from her hand . She was right , we did resemble each other enough . Brown hair , blue eyes , about the same height . The only thing I 'd have to memorize was her full name and birthday , then I 'd be set . The next problem . " What am I going to tell Carlos , though ? He knows Dallas well enough to know there aren 't any clubs I can get into . " " Don 't you have a friend who lives there ? Tell him that you guys are going to see a late movie or something . Anything . You gotta go clubbing and tell me all about it ! " I think Michelle was more excited than me . She told me hundreds of things that I just had to do and made me promise to pick her up a good - looking guy . Friday morning , Sara gave me her license , and that afternoon , I was off to Dallas with my step brother . He ignored me and sang anyway . I have to admit , at least it was good music . I mean , I enjoyed it . The name of the band was La Ley . . . I understood some of the lyrics , but not every last word . After all , he was the bilingual one , not me . I only spoke enough Spanish to get by . At least that was more than Michelle , who could say " Hola , como estas ? " and you still really couldn 't tell what she was saying . . . " We haven 't discussed that much yet . . . but you have to let me go with her , and we 'll meet you back at the hotel at like , one . . " when he gave me the look , I added , " or something . I don 't know . We 're in Dallas , no parents . . . we gotta have fun , Carlos ! You can go hang out with your guys and pick up some hott chicks and I 'll hang out with Aneesa and pick up some sexy dudes . " But I think I 'd convinced him anyway . We didn 't talk much more about it . Most of our conversations consisted of what the hell the song was saying on the cd or whether we were going to make a quick pit stop ( so I could waste his money on chips and soda ! ) . We got in Dallas about seven and checked into the hotel our parents had reserved for us . Ohhh man , saying it was nice was an understatement ! They must have had a great anniversary and decided to stock us up as well ! And the best part : it was downtown ! I 'd say it was about two miles or so from the club I wanted to go to . That meant that I wouldn 't have to bug Aneesa to drop me off or anything . She couldn 't exactly go to the club . . . but she was ecstatic that I was going and made me promise to call her if anything out of the ordinary happened . So I could take a taxi to the club ! Super cool points for my parents ! " Grrr fine ! I 'll call Aneesa and see what she wants to do . " When he turned his back , I gave him a very evil look while dialing my friend 's number . " Hey , ' Neese . . . Carlos is bugging me about what we 're going to do tonight . " " Ummm . . . " she thought for a second . " We can go to the mall or something til they close . . . Ohh ! There 's going to be a kickass concert tonight down here in Deep Ellum at this place called the Gypsy Tea Room . Ya gotta be seventeen to get in , but if you don 't tell him , I 'm sure he won 't know . Or you can just tell him that tonight it 's all ages . " Ach ! That made me kind of regret that I was sort of lying to him about what I was going to do . . . " I know , but I 'm not stupid . I am almost sixteen , ya know . I can handle myself . " He glared at me . " Anyway . . . I should be in by two , at the latest , and I expect you to be here by then as well , understand ? " While he was showering , I watched tv for a little while , playing in my mind what would happen during the night . Carlos didn 't know it , but I 'd brought something to wear to the club . . . something I 'm sure he wouldn 't exactly approve of . Come to think of it , I don 't think he approved of most of my clothing . But this . . . it brought a new meaning to the word " clevage . " It was a halter top that showed more than it covered up . Now , of course , I wouldn 't wear it out of the house with him around . If he happened to be home before I left , I 'd wear a T - shirt over it . Yeah , rock concert ya know . Gotta love ' em ! His back was turned but I knew he was rolling his eyes , like always . He ran the comb through his hair , making sure it was slicked just right . He was wearing blue jeans with that damn belt I hated and a dark green polo shirt . " Do I look okay ? " he asked as he turned around . " Yeah , that 's what I thought . " He paused , tying his shoe , then putting the other one on . " Well , just be careful , like I said . . . and when you come home , pretend like you were actually wearing something , but it was hot in the hotel so you had to take it off . " He stood up , kissed my head , then grabbed his keys and wallet . " I 'm out . I 'll have my phone on if you need me . Stay out of trouble . " I really did deck myself out . I was determined to make myself look as old as my ID said I was . I dryed my hair then straightened it . I caked on the makeup like my life depended on it , finishing it off with some bubblegum lipgloss that just made me happy . Lastly , I somehow managed to fit in my super tight jeans , a size smaller than I usually wear , then put on my strapless bra , and slipped on my halter top . I sprayed some body splash on me and put on some shoes and socks , just in time to hear my friend knocking on the door . " I 'm sure you will . Especially since the ID itself isn 't fake . They can usually spot fake ones , but even if they scanned that one , they 'd know it was real . " I nodded . " I 'm proud of him . He 's usually so dull you 'd think he picks up girls from school . But now he 's actually trying ! " That 's where the two of us were different . She was a little more on the punk side than I was . I mean , punk 's not the word . . . punk 's a new school name . She was old school , listened to 90s rock like Nirvana and Korn , bands like that . Then she had this weird thing about Indie rock music . . . She didn 't even listen to punk . I liked some 90s rock , and some Indie bands , but I wasn 't much of a fan . Actually , looking at the two of us at that moment , you probably would have thought we were step sisters instead of friends . We didn 't look or act anything alike . " There 's a techno club in Austin that Carlos loves to go to . He said it 's filled with hott Mexican guys . . . well , he didn 't say they were hott . . . but you know . Maybe for your birthday we can go . I know you like techno ! " We got to her car and drove around for a while , catching up on the old times . She informed me on how school was going and the like , and I told her all about my end of the world . I told her about my mom 's anniversary . . . Aneesa had known me forever , even before my mom had gotten married . She shook her head . Embarrassing as it is for your friend to know that you get spanked , I went ahead and told her the story anyway . All about how I was caught doing stupid stuff and how he made me sit with him while he worked and then spanked me on top of everything else . But the whole time he was there for me . . . held me while I was scared and crying , talked to me about it rationally . . . not all brothers would do that . Some would just be like " whatever " and go on with their lives . Not Carlos . " I 'm just going to park here and we can walk to our places . The club is right next to the Tea Room if you need me . Just call my cell , I 'll have it on and on vibrate so I can feel it . Be careful , okay ? No drugs ? " She walked with me a little while until we found the club . My heart began to thump wildly inside my check . There was a line along the wall of the building , tons of people crowded together , their IDs out , money in their hands . They were all so much older than me . . . they 'd have to know I was three years younger than them ! " You know it ! " I said , giving her a hug , then stalking off to the end of the line , taking out Sara 's ID . I kept repeating her full name to myself , and her birthday . Then , as if I didn 't have enough numbers floating around in my brain , I decided to memorize her address as well . By the time I got to the front of the line , I 'd memorized almost the entire license . So much that if they asked me , I 'd probably mix up the numbers . Oh well , all that time learning was wasted anyway because all the did was glance at the ID , glance at me , then mark two big X 's on my hands . YAY ! ! ! I gave the man my money and headed inside , taking a right turn towards a dance floor . I decided to tour for just a minute . In this room there was a cage that some girls were dancing in with their drinks in their hands , just like something out of the Real World , and then there was a dance floor where tons of people were meshed together rubbing their bodies against each other . Did I mention I have NO rhythm whatsoever ? I pushed passed the crowd of people and found another room that was quieter and playing techno music with a tv showing the dance floor next door . There were couches and stuff in there so I figured that was where everyone made out . Lucky them . I decided to go back to the dance floor and try my hardest to move my body to the music . At that moment I was so full of adrenaline that I didn 't care much about my rhythm . I was so excited to be in the club . . . illegally ! Doing illegal things is always an adrenaline rush . I wouldn 't recommend it , though . . . causes too much trouble ! Anyway , so there I was on the dance floor , shaking my ass and looking absolutely pathetic , and all of a sudden this realllly cute guy comes up to me ! We start dancing together , his arms around my stomach and my arms high in the air as I shake my ass closer and closer to his groin area . Sorry ! Can 't help it . . I 'm a female ! What else was I supposed to do . . . just stand there and let him lead ? No way ! So this went on for a little while then he finally turns me around so we 're facing each other . His cologne smelt great ! I kept my arms around his neck so maybe some of it would rub off on me and I 'd be able to smell him through the night to remember how great looking he was . Of course , thinking about cologne made me think about Carlos and I wondered if he was having a good time then I felt guilty because he thought I was somewhere that I wasn 't . . . Noooo , bad Danielle ! You should NOT ask anyone to buy alcohol for you ! They might feel obligated and then if they got caught they 'd end up in jail ! We danced a little longer then he disappeared to get some more to drink and promised that we 'd see each other again later . Of course , it wasn 't long before I found a really hott Latino guy dancing alone . I guess I 'm like my mom in the sense that I can 't resist Hispanics . I love their accents , I love Spanish , and they 're just beautiful . So , I went and danced with him . I think he was sort of surprised . I was now faced with a dilemma . Should I take it or not ? If I were a good little sister , and a good friend , I 'd have said no . . . " Si ! " He grabbed my hand and led me to the bar , but I stayed closer to the dance floor so he could buy the drinks without them seeing me . Minutes later he came back with two Bud Lights . He handed one to me and I was going to chug the damn thing , but it was so gross and I really don 't like beer , so ya know . . . I took sips . We danced a little longer and I wasn 't even halfway finished with my beer when he finished his off . He excused himself to go get another and I sort of stayed on the dance floor shaking my ass and sipping my drink when someone tapped me on the shoulder . I was expecting it to be that hott guy I 'd left earlier for the Latino , but was sort of surprised when I turned around . He shook his head and grabbed my elbow , dragging me to where he friend stood . He proceeded to talk to his friend in Spanish , saying something to the effect of having to go but letting him know when he came back to Dallas . Hell , how would I know ? I don 't speak Spanish . I hated to interrupt him while he was cursing to himself in Spanish , but I had to . . . " Carlos ? Aren 't you going to call a cab ? " " Hell no I 'm not going to call a cab . The hotel is only two miles away and we 're walking . And oh , little girl you better HOPE that I blow off some steam while we 're walking because right now I 'm VERY upset . " I swear , that was the longest two miles I 've ever walked . First of all , it was the middle of the night . Secondly , Carlos was dragging me the whole way and we must have passed a dozen good - looking college guys on the way . Thirdly , I was hot and sweaty enough as it was , and all this fast walking was just making it worse ! But I couldn 't even complain . . . I was scared to even talk seeing Carlos like that , much less complain . If I 'd complained , God only knows what he 'd have done . . . maybe even start spanking me right there in the middle of the street ! I can only imagine how many college guys would have been around to see that ! " Seriously , Danielle . What goes through your head when you walk into a nightclub with a bunch of older guys wearing that shit . Not to mention that you somehow managed to get a beer and no telling what the asshole who bought it for you could have slipped in it . Not to mention that you are only FIFTEEN YEARS OLD and could have gotten arrested for even being in the damn place . Tell me how the hell you managed to get in ! " " That shrugging 's not going to cut it , Young Lady . I trusted you to do as you were told , to stay out of trouble , to stay safe , and you blew it . You just lost any chance of me trusting you . All because of some stupid club you wanted to go to so you could pick up guys . You 're too young . You can pick up guys that are at least close to your age at concerts or at the mall or ANYWHERE that 's safe , but not a damn club . " " And to think , I thought that I could go out and have fun for a night and leave my little sister with her friend to do as she pleased . . . to do * legal * things I might add . Of course I was wrong . Guess next time we 'll just have to get up at the crack of dawn and come to Dallas to pick them up , huh ? " The obvious choice was letting Carlos spank me . I mean , not because he spanked less hard than my mom ( because he didn 't ) , but because I 'd already gotten griped at once and realized how stupid what I did was , and didn 't need to hear it from both mom and step - dad . Not to mention , my mom would probably have it where both of them spanked me , and it 'd always be better having one person spank you than two . " I just want you to know that I love you a lot , hermana , and I don 't want to see you getting into trouble . And I am very disappointed in what you did tonight . I honestly thought you knew better than to do that . " He held out a hand and helped me up then hugged me tightly . I could tell he was having one of those moments , thinking about how bad it 'd be if I 'd gotten raped or killed or something . You know , like on Lifetime movies . Ah well , at least he cared about me . That 's all that really mattered . I crawled into bed that night with the worst guilty feeling I 'd ever had . I think some part of me wished that he 'd have gone ahead and spanked me before bed , so then I wouldn 't feel so bad . The feeling you get when you let someone down really sucks , and doesn 't make it very easy to sleep . The conversation that he 'd had with me kept playing through my mind . . . the hurt in his voice , the look in his eyes . How could I let someone down like that ? I rolled back over on my back and stared at the ceiling . Carlos was throwing some clothes in the suitcase , or something . . . " I 'm so sleepy , though . . " I waddled towards him , hands behind my back , somewhat covering my bum . I stopped a little far away from the couch , seeing that belt and knowing that it wasn 't going to feel too good coming down across my backside . When he realized that I wasn 't going to inch up any closer , he grabbed my arm and tugged me towards him , then pulled my pj pants to my knees , leaving me standing there in only a T - shirt and panties . " Over my lap , " he commanded , but I was frozen in that position . He waited patiently for about thirty seconds then said it again , this time more firmly : " Danielle . . . Over my lap . . . now . " I tried to take a step forward but my brain must have targeted the wrong body part because instead I started talking . " Carlos . . . pleaseee don 't spank me ! I 'll be good and I won 't do it again and I 'm really really really sorry ! " " I gave you the choice and this was it . . . " he began , still holding that damn belt . " Now , get over my lap or I 'm going to pull you over here myself . " I took a tiny step forward . At least I was progressing a little . Of course , a little wasn 't enough . Carlos raised the belt up high , threatening me with it . It worked . Within seconds I was over his lap . I didn 't want more than I was already getting ! He positioned me as well as he could , then tugged my panties to my knees . He didn 't waste any time getting down to business . " I will not tolerate you pulling a stunt like you did last night , " he said , swatting my bottom with all of his strength the whole time he lectured . " What you did was dangerous and unacceptable . If I ever hear you sneaking into a club again , not only will I literally roast your bottom , but your mother and my father will both know about it and I 'm sure they 'll do the same , do you hear me ? " It wasn 't long til he stopped . Unfortuantely , it wasn 't over . I knew I still had to endure that damn belt and that wouldn 't be a pretty sight ! He suddenly lifted me up and put me over the arm of the sofa . " Keep your hands away , Danielle . This is the only warning I 'm going to give you . " I nodded in agreement as I felt my body being shifted down , my head buried into the cushions and my arms underneath it . I squeezed my eyes shut . As I awaited the first blow , my mind was racing on what all I 'd done to deserve this and how I 'd do it differently next time . . . and then he slapped the belt down on my tender backside and I let out a shriek and buried my face more into the cushions so it 'd be muffled a little . And he didn 't stop there . I 'd expected him to give me a little of a break , but he kept up a steady pace of spanking , one right after another , landing them almost right on top of each other . However , he had me pinned down for the most part , so the only movement I could make was kicking my legs and crying at the top of my lungs . I tried to plead with him , but everytime I attempted to let out a work , another blow was delivered to my battered backside . He concentrated mainly on my sitspots and thighs , which didn 't surprise me much because he knew that 's where it 'd hurt the most . It didn 't take long before I was broken and a sobbing mess , but he still didn 't stop . He put my nose in the corner . " Stay there until I get out of the shower , then you can have your shower , and then we 're going to discuss the situation a little . Be glad I 'm not making you write me an essay like last time . " Nonetheless , I kept my nose planted into the corner and regained my composure by the time Carlos got back in the room . He excused me to clean myself up and I did just that , taking a glance at my bum in the mirror in the process . Wow . . . it was redder than I 'd ever seen it and I could tell that it was going to bruise a little on the sitspots and thighs . No surprise there . . . He 'd been extra hard on me . . . but who could really blame him ? After I was all cleaned up and dressed , we sat down ( in some very hard chairs might I add ! ) and talked about how wrong what I did was . I think he knew that I understood everything , but he wanted to make sure that I realized he wasn 't just being an asshole when he spanked me . He wanted me to know that he really cared about me . Like I didn 't know already . . . but I guess some kids don 't realize it . The drive to the airport was the longest ride I 'd ever taken . . . at least it felt like it . I vowed to myself that next time I did something so stupid , it wasn 't close to a time in which I 'd be having to sit down for long periods of time . It seemed kinda weird , but I was getting sort of excited . I 've written over 200 spanking stories since the age of 15 . My work has been featured in CF Publications , and my first full - length ebook ( Spanked by Her Brother ) was published in April 2016 by LSF Publications . I love chatting with people , so feel free to add me on social media and strike up a conversation : ) Outside of spanking , I enjoy traveling , partying , philosophizing , thinking about sociology , guitar hero , roller coasters , and being spontaneous . View my complete profile |
Annalise 's case involved a priest who killed another priest . He had originally pleaded guilty but when he saw the woman who works with him at the trial he wanted to fight the charge . They cared / loved each other but had not acted on it . Annalise blamed herself in court for him changing his plea . She blamed it on her lack of concentration to correctly inform him of his options . After talking to the priest again , he stated a teenaged boy he worked closely with told him he was being abused by another priest and the boy hung himself . Soon after , the priest confessed to him . At some point , he killed him in the church but because it was a confession he cannot testify about it . Annalise tried to get him to break that but he refused . To try to get him acquitted , she convinced the woman to lie that she was with him the night of the murder . He was outraged and confessed to 1st degree murder . Frank knows about Bonnie and Asher . He told them he may tell Annalise . It looks like they are going towards a relationship . She is sure that the dirt she has on Frank will keep him quiet . Oliver asked Connor to get an STD test with him since he thinks Connor is a drug user . Connor came back clean but was really worried . I was so disappointed that Oliver came back positive . I bet Connor will stay with him for a while but not as long as if he was clean . Michaela had lunch with Aiden 's mother who urged her to reach out to him . Michaela finally decided that this marriage would be a bad thing . She told her that her son is probably gay and doesn 't really love her but she must know that already the way that she is pushing him towards a girl she doesn 't like . With all the mess with Rebecca , Laurel implies that Frank would take care of it . Frank gets offended that she sees him as a hitman . Nate was denied bail so Annalise and Frank arranged for him to be beat up in jail . Unfortunately , it didn 't get him out just put in solitary confinement . Their next step was to get photos of the judge talking to Asher with the instruction that he should work his charms on her . Asher didn 't know why of course and he 's the only one not involved with Sam 's death . Nate 's lawyer used the photos to get the judge off the case . The judge also knew Asher 's father who is also a judge . Later , Asher asked if it was a coincidence that she was the judge in Nate 's case . Once the judge was removed , Nate was released on bail and Annalise urged him to call the number she gave him for a better lawyer . He could barely walk up the steps of his house . He does decide to call that number but the prosecutor of the case is starting her investigations . Annalise agreed to testify for the prosecution . Now , her story is that Nate followed her home and had a physical altercation with Sam who had been drinking and preparing to leave . That explains the fingerprints on Sam 's ring . At the end of the last episode , the prosecutor arrives at Asher 's house to question him about Annalise . In a flashback to 5 months ago , Rudy Walters , who lived in Wes 's apartment , overheard Lila arguing with Rebecca . Lila pretended to be innocent and confused just to mess with Rebecca for fun . Her life was boring and she used Rebecca whom she called something like a druggie whore . During the fight , Lila said she would go back to Griffin ( her bf / football player later charged with her murder ) . Rebecca said he was a loser and not good for her . So like Griffin said in his meeting with Annalise , Rebecca arranged for Lila to come to Griffin 's room while she was having sex with him . Later , Rebecca went to the sorority house to talk to Lila . Wes and Laurel have met with Rudy in the hospital . They were observed discussing it by Michaela who told Connor . All four of them confront Rebecca saying that she drugged Rudy to make him an unreliable witness to her coming home covered in water after putting Lila in the water tank . Rebecca 's response was that the campus cop who saw them at Annalise 's house had been fired for stalking female students and is now working in Delaware . She assumes Frank and Annalise had something to do with it . He may not know what is going on and she threatened to contact him . What do the students do ? They tie her up and call Annalise . Annalise decides to move Rebecca to her house . She tells all sorts of stories about the night Lila died . Annalise decides to let the students ( minus Asher ) present their case proving why they think Rebecca is the killer . No one gives a good answer . After Asher and Nate 's prosecutor comes to the door , Rebecca is moved to the basement . Annalise tries to get her to talk but nope . Wes had to be talked into speaking to Rebecca , which is when they find out the truth . While they discuss upstairs how truthful it is , Annalise says it is over . No one will talk and they need to let Rebecca go . However , Rebecca is gone and she asked who let her go . Little did they know that Rebecca was dead in the corner . I think Annalise asked Frank if he killed Lila and he said no I thought you did . Rebecca went to the roof of the sorority house to find Lila and didn 't see her . Then , a phone rings and it was Lila 's on the ground . She looked on top of the water tower , saw long hairs , and lifted the lid seeing Lila floating in there . Rebecca jumped in after hearing someone coming . When she got home , Rudy saw her and asked about her fight with Lila . He is invited into Rebecca 's apartment where she gave him a mixture of PCP and a power drug she had not taken but knew it was dangerous . Rudy freaked out and was scratching at his walls until his fingers were bleeding . She called the police and he was taken away . We know that Lila went to Sam 's house to speak with Annalise but was intercepted by Bonnie . Lila had also called Sam when he was at Yale . She talked about going to his wife or killing herself so Sam came back to meet her . They talked on the roof of the sorority house . Sam told Lila that he loved her and was going to tell Annalise right now . He left and called someone to " take care of it " because they owed him . They showed a couple scenes of Lila being strangled and at the end the camera pans around and it was Frank . For a second , I thought it was going to be Bonnie because always acted nervous around Sam . Frank put her in the water tank but didn 't see the phone which disappoints me . Michaela got drunk at a bar waiting for Laurel to arrive . Laurel actually had Michaela 's ring which was in Connor 's car . She told Michaela she kept it so she wouldn 't talk . It was a smart move . Wes was at Annalise 's house crying about Rebecca going missing and not knowing for sure if she killed Lila . Annalise told him that they both need to believe it was Sam and everything will work out . Annalise 's mother came to take care of her . She has been in her room since Nate was arrested . Annalise 's real name is Anna Mae and that is what her mother calls her if she like it or not . It was mostly tough love with her mother trying to get her to pick herself up . Part of it was reminding her that she wasn 't always rich living in big fancy houses . This gave us more information about Annalise . She met Sam when she was his patient dealing with a sexual assault from an uncle . Her mother basically told her that Sam was no good from the start and she doesn 't care if she killed him or not . At one point , Annalise left her room for food . She yelled at her mother asking if she was aware of the abuse . It looks like she was and she told her about who similar things happened to her and others she knew from men in general . She said talking about it did nothing . Annalise told her it was time for her to leave her house . I think that confrontation prompted her mother to tell her how she set the fire at their home that killed the uncle that abused Annalise . They hugged . After that Annalise was back with her wig on to worry about Nate 's case . She visited him in jail talking nonsense since they were being recorded . During it , she slipped him a piece of paper with a number on it and a note saying to fire his lawyer . She went to his hearing and found Michaela . Michaela said she gathering information for Annalise but the whole episode she was worried about an innocent black man going to prison . Annalise told her injustice happens all time and she 'll deal with it . Michaela was getting information from a lawyer in that case as well . Her client was a nurse being accused of sexually assaulting a male patient . The hospital lawyer was pushing for a settlement and it was looking like Bonnie would lose . A few secrets came out during the trial . First , the nurse wrote about the experience on a website about sexual fantasies . The nurse said the guy initiated it and it wasn 't forced . Then , Bonnie tells the court that the man is gay . That was stricken from the records . Later , they had proof of the man visiting the hospital legal department . It turns out that the guy is dating the hospital lawyer and they have a joint offshore account . They planned the whole thing . Bonnie had a rough time . The students don 't respect her like they do Annalise and she yelled at them for it . Frank encouraged her to talk to Annalise for advice but he was snapped at for not telling her about Sam . By the end of the episode , Bonnie was making out with Asher on a car with Frank sitting inside . Oliver was doing hacking for the case and felt that Connor was hiding him from his friends and Annalise . Connor agreed to introduce him to Michaela , Laurel , and Wes . He had to tell them that he used drug abuse as an excuse for his behavior . Wes found out where Rudy was staying . He was put in a mental health facility on the night Lila was murdered . Oh and he had a drug overdose not a mental break down like Rebecca ( drug dealer ) said . Wes told Laurel and she posed as Rudy 's relative to get them to see Rudy . He was sitting up , awake , but not very responsive . You could see the scratches on that wall above his bed just like in the apartment . Rebecca called Wes several times but he did not answer . When Rudy was shown Rebecca 's photo on Wes 's phone , Rudy just said " wet " softly . Laurel thought it might refer to the water tank that Lila 's body was found in . At the same time , Rebecca traced the location of Wes 's phone to that hospital . How can you be a law student and be so trusting of strange girls ? The lesson of the day was the 5th amendment . Annalise talked about it in her class . She suggested talking to police is a bad idea no matter what they tell you . All of the things she will do in the classroom will probably be a direct message to the kids ( the Keating 5 minus Asher ) . With all of the drama around Annalise , her longtime client considers removing her from his case . Of course , Annalise has been retained by the mob for 15 years . She had to put the boss in his place . He even said since she is single now to give him a call if she gets lonely and that chocolate goes well with Italian wine . The boss 's business is importing & exporting ( I know ) but one of their crates was randomly weighed and found containing heroin . Annalise and the team found that the authorities seemed to respond before that crate was weighed . It turns out that the inspector disappeared after the incident . When found , this man admitted on the stand that the prosecutor promised him and his wife green cards if he chose that crate . The prosecutor had the nerve to threaten Annalise on her " upcoming " murder charge . Sam 's charred remains ( photos shown on that show ) were found and identified . Hannah , his sister , is convinced Annalise did it and told that police to arrest her . Since they did not do that , Hannah tried to convince them to search that house . I didn 't realize that was Sam 's childhood home . Eventually they used a past public fight that Hannah and others witnessed , as reason to get a search warrant . Apparently 3 years ago , Annalise threatened to kill Sam and threw an object at his head . Bonnie was instructed to represent Annalise , who did not attend , in that hearing but she failed to get it dismissed . Hannah was happy to gloat to Annalise about the search but Annalise mentioned the unnatural obsession Hannah had with Sam actually using the word incest . All the police found was that scale from the trophy and Bonnie quickly explained what it was and put it back . The kids feel better with that search being over . Annalise had Frank and Nate working for her . Bonnie could feel she was being left out . Frank found her picking up broken glass in the kitchen because of the shock of hearing about Sam 's body being discovered . Nate is telling Annalise about police findings . Frank is trying to keep Bonnie and Laurel calm . At the end of the episode , we find out that Annalise gave Frank Sam 's ring ( the one Wes gave back to her like an idiot ) which he put back in the woods with Nate 's stolen fingerprint on it . How clever to put it on Nate . Rebecca had a police informant tell her that a ring was found and that almost killed Michaela who lost her ring that night . Nate 's arrest showed the students that Annalise was working for them . Earlier , Annalise overheard Connor talking to the others about how cold Annalise was acting which didn 't help them . She brought him into that office saying how alike they are . Both of them are worriers and she knows he can 't trust her . But , he should stop worrying and realize she is their best option . Annalise has her own worries . Bonnie confronted Annalise about that trophy . She figured out that connection between the head trauma that Sam had and the scales going missing . Adding that there were carpet fibers found and the carpet in the house disappeared . She warned Annalise that Hannah will not let this go and not to let the kids ruin her . Hannah is not backing away with Nate 's arrest . She told Annalise he did it for her so it is still her fault . Feeling upset at that end of that day , Annalise calls her mother . I think it would be fun to see what Annalise 's mother is like . Rudy was the guy that lived in Wes 's apartment previously . Wes wondered what happened to him when a Christmas card came from his grandmother . Rebecca says she didn 't know him just that he was crazy . The landlord said he was taken away by that police when Rebecca called for them . It seems like this storyline could become a thing . With all this stress , everyone had a rough Christmas break . Annalise just stayed in a hotel drinking until New Year . Laurel basically told off her parent for having no interest in her career goals . This involved her telling them off in Spanish . I looked her up online previously and saw she was Mexican . She also had acting credits with Spanish titles so it wasn 't unexpected to hear her do that in this show . Wes continues to have nightmares . Connor 's sister got him a guy for Christmas but Connor says his is in a relationship . I 'm not sure how it is going to work out since Oliver is reluctant to trust him . Who could blame him though ? The best was Michaela and the dinner party she attended with her fiancé , Aidan . She was drinking heavily and saw Aidan getting close to a guy . Remember Aidan didn 't tell her he had a thing with Connor in boarding school . She walked over and asked if he was screwing him . Nope , it was just a coworker . That embarrassment plus her general odd behavior caused him to " postpone the wedding " . A woman comes to Annalise saying her husband has 2 girls locked in their basement with one of them being pregnant . She was taken by him when she was 16 too but he married her . After she was not able to conceive , he brought in a new girl that he kept locked up and soon after another one . She wanted to turn him in since one of the girls had a stillborn child and she feared for the safety of this new one . Being his victim also , Annalise wanted to get her the best deal possible even though no one else thought she deserved it . Unexpectedly , evidence came out that put that in jeopardy . First the girls testified that the woman gave them milk ( drugged milk ) before he abused them so they wouldn 't remember what happened . Then , that first child didn 't die . She raised it in the house until it was 4 when she was afraid the husband would start abusing it . She told the husband it died but she kept it in a cabin with a toy giraffe and she would visit the child . Annalise was horrified about the kid being left somewhere alone . The woman wouldn 't tell were the child was until she got a plea deal with no jail time so she could raise it . Annalise told her she got her a deal and the child was rescued . However , Annalise was lying and resigned as her attorney . The arrival of Sam 's sister , Hannah , is putting everyone on edge . She is determined to find out the truth especially when it comes to what Annalise knows . To try to quiet her , Annalise gave Hannah a box of evidence against Sam . It gets to the point where Frank offers to " handle it " . We still don 't know what Frank is . Annalise handles it by inviting Hannah over for dinner to tell her the truth ( partial truth really ) . Mostly , she admits to knowing about Sam and Lila earlier that she told the police and how she tried to cover up for him . It 's just enough to convince her that she tried to help Sam without saying she found him dead on the floor . The students are starting a new semester of Annalise 's class but are having problems dealing with what happened previously . Laurel wants them to be open and talk so no one cracks under the pressure . Wes already admitted the nightmares are getting to him . Connor probably could have when he saw that his car had been stolen . It was just after he openly worried about trace evidence being in his car . We ( and Laurel ) believe that Frank took the car for that reason . Frank is also becoming buddies with Asher . Laurel suggested it 's to keep him close . Asher is the only one outside this mess but he still has a thing with Bonnie . He threatened her with a sexual harassment suit . She had to tell him to grow up and act professional . Asher told her she was mean to him all of a sudden and his feelings were hurt . But now he will start to treat her with respect again . Wes and Rebecca are doing well until Rebecca sees a news story that Sam 's remains have been found at a landfill . I couldn 't wait to see how they would put together the suspect switch from Rebecca to Sam . This episode did not disappoint me . I knew that Annalise told Wes what to do to dispose of the body and evidence as soon as I saw her sitting in that room with Sam 's body . It had bothered me most of the season seeing Wes lie about the coin toss in the woods until I saw that scene . Annalise does an amazing job lying to the police in her interview . Lots of what she said was true . She mostly lied about time frame on when she found out what . Annalise has Nate , a cop , as her alibi whether he is on her side truly or not . Her biggest problem is dealing with the student . She convinced Wes to keep their secret and she would protect all of them . Unfortunately Connor was the first to freak out over the stress . He managed to get Michaela to agree with him that turning themselves in , and pinning it on Wes and Rebecca , was the best for them and their careers . They knew they had to get Laurel to come with them . After Frank alluded to knowing her secret , Laurel told them she would confess with them . However , Laurel confronted Wes with the fact that Frank knew which means he found out from Annalise who must have heard from him . Wes , in turn , informed Annalise that the crew was about to crack unless she talk to them . Annalise and Wes stopped the others outside the police station just as they were about to go in . Now , everyone is united . I 'm not sure how much Annalise is going to tell them after this . She did promise to protect them . The funny thing was for their exam , she used their situation as the question and the students had to determine possible defenses for all 4 people . Generally the question was that 4 people walk into a convince store and 1 person decides to rob it . The clerk fights back , the other 3 come to the robber 's aid , the clerk dies , and all help dispose of the body . How to get them all acquitted of all charges ? That 's not just the test question but the premise of the rest of the show . Annalise has produced a lot of evidence against Sam . We now know the baby was his and even have video of him at the abortion clinic with Lila . Cellphone signals put him at the location that Lila 's body was found . With all that , Rebecca 's free and you would think the worst is over . However , Connor calls her from the police station that her sister - in - law is there and she tells the cops not to believe what Annalise says about her brother . I think we are finally going to learn about what happened to Sam 's first wife . At the moment , I have nothing to review . So , I decided to do a summary of the 1st half of current season of Revenge . I 'll do posts for each main character leading up to the new episodes in Jan . Sadly , we will not get another episode until January 29th but at least we know how Sam 's murder happened . We still don 't know about Lila 's death . I 'm guessing the second part of the season will be covering up Sam 's murder , picking apart his life , and uncovering his involvement in Lila 's murder . The show is called How to Get Away with Murder after all . This post will be more of a reaction than usual . The big reveal has happened . I was disappointed at how wrong my previous conclusions had been . Let 's get to the general story now . Annalise tells Sam that Bonnie told on her about him knowing that Lila was pregnant . They yell and scream about who is to blame , who is really the slut , and whether Sam was capable of murder . Annalise threatens to call the police , but he throws away the phone . He pins her against the wall with his hands around her throat . Fitting visual since I think Lila was strangled and the irony was not lost on Annalise . She asks him if it reminded him of what he did to Lila implying it was sexual for him . He said he only started dealing with Annalise in the first place because she was easy . He did marry her . She said something about 20 years together . I hope we learn about wife number 1 . I 'm less convinced that it is Bonnie . Annalise eventually runs out of the house leaving Sam to get drunk . Michaela shows up to turn in the trophy she stole from Asher to get out of the exam . Sam being drunk has no time for her and tries to get her to leave . Then , Rebecca walks in . She saw Annalise leave so maybe thought it was safe to just walk into someone 's house . Sam wants them both out . Rebecca runs upstairs telling Michaela to call Wes . Wes had just finished telling Laurel and Connor that Sam killed Lila so he got to tell Michaela and not to leave because they were on their way . Rebecca locks herself in the bedroom and then the bathroom trying to copy information from Sam 's computer on to a flash drive for Nate . Once they get there , Wes talks Sam into letting Rebecca leave . It worked for a few moments until Sam tackled Rebecca to get the drive . In the melee , Rebecca runs down the steps . In an attempt to follow , Sam runs out and Michaela knocks into him so he falls from the 2nd floor onto the ground floor . So , first one to kill Sam is Michaela . They argue about what to do when it turns out he 's not dead . Now his is on top of Rebecca trying to strangle her ( he does like to strangle people ) . This time Wes hits him over the head with the trophy ( killer 2 ) . Why is it always the black people that have to kill someone on TV / movies ) ? I 'm black so I can ask . The deed is done and we have seen the methods to clean up the murder several times . A few new things happened . The most shocking was that when Wes went back to house to get the trophy / murder weapon , Annalise was just sitting there at her desk ( see pic ) . Amazing stuff . Rebecca was willing to lie saying that she was defending herself in order to keep Wes out of trouble since her trial was coming up anyway . That 's the least she could do for him . How many times has he lied , cheated , and stole just to help her with little thanks from her ? At the end of the night , they chopped up the charred body , put it in several bags , and chucked them in a dumpster even though Wes said they should go to an incinerator . Wes probably had the best idea . I guess we will see how it bites them later on . Laurel took the trophy to Frank 's house since he was calling her constantly . She asked him to return the trophy to Asher because she stole it but didn 't want the embarrassment of being caught . Frank agrees although he thought she was overacting . Michaela thinks about her future . She comes home to see her wedding dress hanging up . They never found her ring . She decided that signing the pre - nup was not such a bad idea and she personally delivers it to Aiden 's mother . Connor flips out and goes crying to Oliver , the ex - boyfriend . He tells him he has screwed up and did something horrible . After spending the night there and showering , Connor tells Oliver that he has a drug addiction . He was so upset because he had a bad mix of alcohol and pills . Oliver seems to still care . It would be good for him not to but he doesn 't know that I guess . Asher , who has nothing to do with the murder , had a drunk Bonnie call him and ask to go to his apartment . He tried to be noble and refuse her advances since she was drunk . I was surprised he did that . I thought he would quickly take advantage as most guys would . She said she is a grown woman and knows what she is doing . Later on , Bonnie gets a call from Annalise asking if she is with Sam . Annalise says Sam may have tried to flee after their fight . We know now this is just part of the plan . She asks Bonnie to come to the office . After leaving Sam , Annalise winds up at Nate 's house telling him that she thinks Sam is guilty . His wife is in the hospital so he lets her stay the night . Of course they slept together . While he is sleeping , she leaves . Annalise summons all the Keating 5 to the office the next morning . Four of the Five think they are found out . Frank tells them the trophy was found on the door step and is now up for grabs again . The Five are told that Sam is missing after a fight with Annalise where she confronted him about having an affair with Lila . The police are on the way and she wants them to be honest with the police . She says the police may want to question them since they have been working on Rebecca 's case . She looks the longest at Wes and this is where we see the flash back of Annalise in the room with Sam dead on the floor . Again , Annalise and Wes have secrets . I can 't wait to hear what that conversation was like . She probably told him what to do with the body . She would know what to do since she is a defense attorney . We know she had to leave before the rest of them came back for the body and then come back at some point to call Bonnie . Maybe I 'm wrong and that was the time she was at Nate 's but I 'm not sure . She definitely needs a strong alibi . I don 't think saying you were with a married ex - cop will do it for you . It was a really great way to end it . Even if the show wasn 't renewed , they still would have a good ending . Annalise is a mess . Now that she slept with Nate again , I wonder how that will help things . Maybe , Nate is using her as well . I wonder about Nate 's pay off at the end of this . Does he just want to see Annalise 's life ruined ? Too bad we have to wait so long for the next part . This episode tells us more about Lila 's thoughts about Sam and Griffin right before her murder . Other minor things happen . The best was Michaela being visited by Aiden 's mother about the pre - nup . His mother told her that they build their business from a single store to a multi - national company which she would not trust to her . Michaela is to sign the papers or the mother would cancel the wedding . Michaela first talked about love and then got angry saying she wasn 't going to sign anything . The mother insulted her in a few ways . Michaela tried to slap the mother but her hand was caught ( like a pro ) . She said Michaela was exactly what she thought she was . Frank and Laurel aree still screwing everywhere and on the night of the murder , they see his girlfriend is at his apartment . That is why Frank was frantically calling her the night of the murder . Gretchen Thomas has a high stress life from her high powered job . She takes sleeping pills at night that make her do things while unconscious like cook or have sex with her husband . Annalise shows video of Gretchen dragging her dead nanny outside and hosing her off . Of course , she has no memory of killing the nanny . The first step is for Annalise and the Keating 5 ( as they are called ) to talk to Gretchen and her family . When they get there , Gretchen barely has time for them . Her family are definitely upset / disturbed by the whole situation but she is not concerned . She said if they want to send her to prison for the sin she committed then fine . The husband said she needs to fight but the son said if she wants to go to jail then let her . Annalise assigns family members to each of her people to practice with them since they all my need to go on the stand . At the moment , Gretchen refuses to testify . The son gets on the stand saying how his mother did sleepwalk at times and the only way they could wake her that night was for his father to put her in the shower under cold water . The prosecution asked him the typical things like wouldn 't he lie to protect his mother . The kid answered that they all loved the nanny , especially him because he was sleeping with her . The son looks to be high school age and there is a younger sister that probably could use a nanny . Annalise was angry at Connor because he was supposed to interview him . I believe Annalise said something like he is only good at getting information if sex was involved . It seems to be true . Bonnie got it the worst of it and was humiliated in front of the Keating 5 . Asher tried to tell her she wasn 't worthless , etc . She took it as kissing up . Connor had to go back to redeem himself . He lied about having screwed one of his sister 's older friends . The son said I know you 're gay . What information Connor got was that the nanny gave the son an STD . Connor told the other students and the specific STD is one that Michaela learned about in her Pre - Med undergrad days . She told Annalise immediately but would not share with the others . In court , Annalise asked the father if he was told on the day of the murder about his son 's burning . He said did but then Annalise brought up that he had the medication already because he had the same affliction months earlier . Looks like the father and the son were sleeping with the nanny . No one was more shocked than Gretchen . Annalise suggested that he was angry that the nanny was sleeping with someone else . He gave his wife alcohol knowing it would put her in a deep sleep , he would kill the nanny , and blame on his sleepwalking wife . It 's a good plan . He eventually admitted it . The son was crying . Gretchen yelled at Annalise for tearing apart her family . Annalise said she is hurt because of her husband 's betrayal and that she would thank her later . Boy does she know about an untrustworthy husband . But , we have to remember that Annalise is wife # 2 who was screwing him when he was with wife # 1 . We get to see the timeline of the Lila - Sam ( Mr . Darcy ) relationship . Last week , we learn that Lila was 6 weeks pregnant . Sam denied it . Annalise had Bonnie come and with her to see if Sam was lying . I think we all know he was . What else could he say ? Him knowing she was pregnant is a perfect motive for killing her and Sam knows it . Flash to 6 months earlier in June 2014 , Lila tells Rebecca about " Mr . Darcy " . It looks like Rebecca was closer to Lila than she said previously . They were hanging and doing drugs together . Lila would tell Rebecca about her relationship with Griffin . They did have a virginity pact and Rebecca thought he was pushing his religion on her as a way to control Lila . In July , Lila tells Rebecca that she slept with Mr . Darcy . By August , Lila is upset because he wanted to end it . She said she had the urge to go to his house and tell his wife all about it . Rebecca tried to tell her it was a bad idea . Lila said Griffin told her bad things can happen from sex and it 's true , but she would not elaborate . I think we all know now that she is talking about the pregnancy . The only person Annalise tells about the pregnancy is Wes but tells him not to tell Rebecca . You know he ran to tell her . Then , Rebecca told Officer Nate . He wanted her to get a hair from Sam to do a DNA test with . Rebecca thought she could go in the house with Sam there to get a sample . He told her not to come to his home when Annalise was not here . Sounds like a warning . She didn 't get the hair , but since he would send Lila text messages could they get information there ? Nate told her there is a new plan . She was to get information from Sam 's phone so they could trace text message on Lila 's phone . She was going to but Wes saw her get out of his car . He informed her that Nate was Annalise 's boyfriend and it could be a set up . We know that Frank 's guy removed all that information from the phone and that Nate and Annalise are no longer an item . Another bombshell , Bonnie tells Sam that Lila came to the office on the night of the murder when she thought Sam was at Yale . Lila told her she had to tell Annalise she had a secret about her husband . Bonnie scared her away . Sam tries to sweet talk Bonnie , kisses her , and says there is no reason to tell Annalise . However , Bonnie tells Annalise everything even about the kiss . Bonnie is crying at Annalise 's feet . Annalise fires her . Honestly , she had to at that point . I like Bonnie . I hope that her being fired doesn 't remove her from the rest of the series . I bet right after that whipping from Annalise is when she decides to jump in bed with Asher . Annalise fixes Sam by arranging with the DA for every man in Lila 's life , including her teachers , to be tested for paternity of her child . Lucky for Sam he gets murdered . If Annalise is lucky , she can just report him missing , give DNA from his hairbrush , and say he must have disappeared because he thought he was going to get caught for murder . Not much information on Sam 's murder this week except we did see more of what happened on the day of the murder . Michaela went to Asher 's apartment for a study group type thing just to steal the trophy when he was in another room . Connor and Laurel arrive at Wes 's apartment to study as Wes and Rebecca were arguing about her working with Nate . Wes later wants to talk to Rebecca but she is blasting music . Connor said it could be a cover for her not being there . He notices the flash drive he took from Rebecca was gone . Now things are starting to come together . Rebecca probably was caught taking things from his phone . This episode focuses on Rebecca and we are 2 weeks before the murder . There was no extra case this week since the hearings for the Lila Stangard murder are starting . Other unrelated things did happen though . Laurel 's boyfriend offered her a job at Legal Aid which she said she would consider . At the same time , her and Frank are on again . Michaela was called to a law firm for what she thought was a job interview but it turned out her fiancé 's parents want her to sign a pre - nup . Connor decided to bring Oliver flowers to apologize for cheating on him . Unfortunately , Oliver has a new boyfriend that told Connor if he really cares about Oliver he won 't come back . Rebecca and Wes finally screwed and he told her that his mother killed herself when he was 12 . Annalise reached out to Nate for help , but told her he knew she planted that phone on Griffin . He definitely thinks Sam is guilt and thinks she agrees . He said he offered her an out before but now she is on her own . At some point , Rebecca was in a convenience store and was approached by Nate . After identifying himself , he told her he knew she was innocent and asked her to help . I was unsure where this fell in the timeline of all that has happened . I know it was before Sam 's murder . Pre - trial hearings are starting so Rebecca has to give her account to the team . She made a joke saying she strangled the girl . Annalise obviously got angry and said to Sam that she was happy about the miscarriages because she couldn 't imagine having a child like Rebecca . I agree kids are so bad ; you can watch the news to see that . Anyway , lots of political maneuvering occurred . Someone went to the newspapers to give a story about how Rebecca and Griffin had a sexual relationship even though he and Lila promised to wait until marriage to sleep together . That resulted in a gag order in the case . Griffin 's lawyer wanted Lila 's body to be dug up to show that the marks on her neck were from female fingernails . Annalise 's team got the mother to speak out against it . Then , we find out that the DA made a side deal with Griffin 's lawyer so he will testify against Rebecca . To counter that , Rebecca , not knowing what a gag order was ( right ) , told a newspaper that Griffin raped her that night that Lila was killed . The DA backed off from the deal . Most of the detective work by Annalise and her team were finding a way to discredit expert testimony . The DA dropped off some sealed internal reports that Annalise could use . One of the experts saying the marks were from fingernails has previously been discredited him as a prosecution witness . Annalise had her own expert say that the marks looked like bug bites after she had already died . It all seemed to be going their way . However , the DA had new expert information saying that the marks were fingernail marks and asked for the body to be exhumed . The judge granted it . Bonnie delivered preliminary results she had from a source . The marks on Lila 's neck were bug bites but she was also 6 weeks pregnant . Geeze Sam , all they need to do is DNA on the fetus to see it is not Griffin 's and they will be looking for a new male suspect . Annalise just gave him a look . Now , I know why they mentioned miscarriages earlier . If Annalise can get that information removed from the reports she would be a real pro or make it so the DNA came back to Griffin . Rebecca actually said to Wes that she had no choice but to kill Sam because he wanted her dead . She said he deserved it . Wes cleaned her up in the bathroom and took her to a hotel to wait while they took care of things . While in the hotel , Rebecca called 911 , said it was a prank call , and hung up . Why would she do that ? Seconds later , Wes called with that phone call we saw in the convenience store with the new cellphone . This is almost like Clue ; Sam was killed in the office with the trophy by Rebecca , the drug dealer bartender . Now , I still wonder why Laurel said she was a murderer a couple episodes back . I wonder what drove Sam to want to kill her all of a sudden . Maybe it has something to do with Nate . It 's Asher 's episode and it is 5 weeks before the murder . Can I just say that I am still surprised the Asher , played by Matt McGorry , was the young guard in Orange is the New Black ? I didn 't like that show so I only saw a few episodes but I did not even recognize him . Maybe it is the uniform that threw me off ? Also , why are all the titles from things that Connor says ? Annalise and her team have the opportunity to work on an appeal . David Allen was convicted of killing his girlfriend 21 years ago , but Annalise feels he was framed . She is not sure if it is for political or racial biases . David is scheduled to die in less than 2 weeks and their emergency hearing is in 3 days . No pressure though . The main witness against them puts Allen coming out of the girlfriend 's apartment with a gun in his hand . Allen 's alibi is a drug addict that his original lawyer never brought up because he didn 't want his client associated with that type of person . The judge in the case just happens to be Asher 's father . Annalise sends out the students and associates to talk to the original lawyers , find the druggie , and learn about Asher 's father . Asher goes through his father 's notes and found discrepancies after he spent all this time defending him . Not to mention that his father was made a federal judge after that case . When confronted , Asher 's father admits nothing , calls Asher ungrateful , and tells him to leave his house . Asher strikes a deal with Annalise , in the presence of Bonnie . He doesn 't want his father 's name involved and he wants the trophy . She agrees . The original prosecutor heard that one of the witnesses was paid off but he didn 't know who . He felt pressure to convict no matter what . With the high pressure situation , all the students are picking on each other . Asher lunges at Connor , trips over some boxes , and finds a paper with a logo he recognized . It turns out the victim was petitioning to stop a development from being raised . The development was headed by a now senator . The same company owns the apartments the main witness lives in . At the trial , the main witness was confronted by Annalise . She was 3 months behind in rent , a case was filed against her , and all of a sudden it is dropped . Not really of a sudden but after she testifies in the case . Rent was never paid . Annalise asks for the senator to be brought in . She does everything to upset him . She accuses him of witness tampering , murder , and general racism . It was great . The judges were on the edge of locking her up , but they saw through her delivery and to the facts of the case . Allen was set free and they ordered an investigation into the senator and the police practices . There was more Laurel - Frank drama . Bonnie took it upon herself to tell Laurel that rich girls like her never end up with guys like Frank so stop leading him on . Laurel tells Frank she is not into him and if he doesn 't stop whatever she thinks he is doing , she will tell Annalise . Bonnie saw her do that . Why is Bonnie everywhere ? She is always watching the students and Sam . It 's funny . She is Big Brother . We still don 't know who took the trophy from Asher 's apartment . The start of the show is Asher dancing and throwing money around until he realizes the trophy is gone . We do know that Michaela sent him a text message saying she would be in the library but somehow he ends up at the office where Sam is dead on the floor and the rest of them are hiding trying not to be seen by Asher . They briefly talk about letting him in to be part of " this " but decide not to . When they were driving with the body in the car , Asher crosses the street right in front of them . He gets a call from someone ( I 'm thinking Bonnie ) saying they want to meet with him . He is so excited he doesn 't see the car or who is in the car . Later , we see Asher in bed looking at his phone seeing the photos the rest of the students took at the bonfire that they said there were not going to . He looks over and Bonnie is with him saying he can 't tell anyone what went on between them . All of a sudden , Bonnie gets a call and it is Annalise asking if she is with Sam . She 's not . It looks like Sam is missing and Annalise says something terrible has happened . I had been wondering where she was the whole time they are sitting there with Sam 's body on the floor . Wes was so disgusted by Annalise 's deception that he left the trophy in his seat during class . I 'm guessing there are no other classes in that room before theirs . Everyone one noticed it sitting there , without Wes . Even Annalise saw it after asking a question to the class and it made her lose her train of thought . At this point , Wes is a loose end so she sends Frank to locate him . She shows up at Wes 's apartment . He demands that they find Rebecca or he will give the police his evidence . I think it was overdramatic for him to say he had a copy in a safe deposit box ready to be sent to the authorities . Annalise agreed and again sent Frank to locate but not approach her . Frank was given Lila 's cellphone and told to use " his guy " to remove anything that would tell where the pictures came from . It turns out that Frank planted the phone in Griffin 's car . Griffin was the boyfriend , remember ? The news stated that new evidence pointed to Lila having another man which could have fueled Griffin 's anger leading him to kill her . Detective Nate has photographs of Frank in Griffin 's car . I 'm not sure what his goal is with Annalise . Is he trying to ruin her life for ruining his ( i . e . getting him fired from his job ) ? Wes and Rebecca are shocked that Annalise would turn over the phone knowing her husband is in the pictures . Sam found out by watching the news and Annalise was disappointed she wasn 't the one to tell him . Oh , the wallpaper was changed . She is helping him because she needs and loves him . See that seems to be a huge mistake . I need to know more about how she started seeing him while he was married to the first wife . At the end of the episode , Rebecca and Wes meet at the office with Annalise ( and Sam I suppose ) to discuss the next steps in the case now that Griffin is the main suspect . babbleworthyA brunette 's babbleThe Constant ReviewerIf it 's out , I 'll review it . From TV to films , food to make - up . . . Submit requests by clicking on the top right button ! Let 's Talk About TVI watch a lot of TV . I love a lot of TV . So , let 's talk about it . Storybrooke ResidentThere is a Town in Maine . . . Nerdy Girl NotesA Geek - Chic Guide to the MediaStories Have PowerLife changes when you read ! It 's All Geek To MeOfficial blog of It 's all Geek to Me Radio with Cate & EMFandomNess TVMade by fans for the fansgoodbye200A journey towards losing 200 poundsThe Barbed Wireaa Sharp - Twisted - Pointed - Satireyou ain 't specialbut that 's okayInside My Unhinged MindThey say you don 't have to say every thought that pops into your head . . . 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This blog is dedicated to the stories I 've written over the years . Sometimes I get some time and add a story . Grab a hot cup of something and enjoy ! Please note that for some reason , blogger is NOT allowing me to post on any comments . So thank you for reading and know I do read all the comments but cannot reply . Hi all , Erin here . It 's been a long time since I 've read this . Let me fill in a few details . Brock , Kevin , Roni and George went on to see about Roni 's sister , Emma a few months after they came home . Tracey and I stayed with the family . Everyone agreed that we would be safest there . Of course there was the wedding and I personally think that my new mom and dad wanted to have their honeymoon with no kids tagging along . Now that I 'm a wife and mom , I agree they did the right thing . Mom and dad made it home safe and sound with plenty of good news about Aunt Emma , she even came and visited for awhile and when I was two we all went there and I got to meet my Aunt Gracie . Uncle Kevin fell for her like a ton of bricks and they were married within a year ! She had ridden to Aunt Emma 's on a TRICYCLE ! Uncle Kevin has been the only one she will ever get into a vehicle with . Tracey and I did go back to where I was born and found the house still boarded up . I know , we couldn 't believe it either ! We found a few things that we decided to keep but we both knew that THIS is home for us now . We planted some rose bushes on the grave of our parents and we both went there for our own honeymoons . It is a great place for a hunting lodge and our dear friend George has set up a business there with his wife and five kids . Brock and Roni ( aka : Mom and Dad ) ; had 8 other kids besides me and Tracey and believe you me , Tracey played the role of eldest ( and bossiest ) to the hilt . Kevin and Gracie have seven kids of their own but they moved back to Arkansas before they were all born . We had plenty of kids running around the ranch and of course plenty of competition . One game I remember well was when Mom put our names on these little wooden signs that she made ; each kid had one sign with their name on it . Then she put little hangers in the garden and would place a sign on each . The signs said " This piece of our life is tended lovingly and honestly by > insert the kids name < " . Now THAT set off one of the biggest rounds of competition ever ! Our parents never had to tell us to weed at all ! None of us wanted our names to be in a piece of the garden that was full of weeds ! Time rolled on and we all grew up with our bumps and bruises and there was some mishaps and sad times . Our dear Gramma passed away one bitter winter but she has left all of us a legacy that we refuse to let die . ( And personally , I think that my little sister Carrie , has inherited all Gramma 's quirks ; she goes around talking to the animals all the time ! And has been doing that since she could talk … . she even talked to one of the dogs before she ever talked to any of her ' people ' family ! ) Our extended family may be spread out all over the country now , and I think that is a good thing ! Gives us good excuses to go traveling ! And we do like to travel . Mostly it 's on horseback since cars haven 't really made a comeback yet . We as a country seem to like how we have settled into a more " live with the land " kind of view . We value family and good friends more now and from all I 've heard , we had lost that in the years before the " event " . So I 'll leave you now . I hope you and your family has made it through this " rough patch " our country has gone through . I have many hopes for our country and all the people that live here . And ya know what ? I think they are all coming true ! After all the action that had been going on , the rest of the trip to Durango was almost boring and no one complained one bit . The group had stopped in one town that had a Wally World and stocked up on some things like diapers and they were able to pump up gas from the gas station with the generator on the RV the Strikers had taken to drive . They had thoroughly cleaned it before claiming it . They had found some cash , drugs of course which they had destroyed , and a few weapons but not much else they could use . There was a lot of electronic stuff they just dumped out . It was now filled with supplies from Wally World . The store hadn 't look like it had been scavenged at all so they felt pretty safe as they made the rounds of the aisles . The guys stood guard while the women went in and shopped . Roni took Tracey in and they found a neat little snuggler in the baby department that they put Erin in . So then the three of them had fun filling the shopping carts . They would fill one and push it to the front where Brock would load it in the vehicles and trailers . When asked if they were done , they just smiled and grabbed another cart and some bags and went off back into the store . Brock lost count at 8 carts . But with some clever packing , he managed to fit everything they brought in the truck and trailer . Some stuff went into totes that were then strapped down on the bike trailer along with the now filled gas cans . All the food went into the RV though . Michelle did a great job of cleaning out the health and beauty aids section . She didn 't forget to stock up on all the OTC meds , first aid supplies , soaps , toothpaste , toothbrushes , shampoos , conditioners , lotions , and various other necessities . It was a good thing that George was riding his bike since by the time everyone was done shopping ; there was barely any room left in the RV for Mike and Michelle ! The trailer was fully loaded and so was the back of the jeep and the trailer that it was pulling . And since they figured that they should be at Brock and Kevin 's parents pThey were finally back on the road again with George scouting ahead on his bike and keeping in touch by some walkie talkie 's they had gotten from Wally World . They were amazed that they even worked but every vehicle had one and plenty of batteries . After George came the truck pulling the trailer with Brock , Roni , Tracey , and Erin in it . Then came the RV with Mike and Michelle and following in back was Kevin in the Jeep pulling the small trailer . Kevin had taken over the lead about ten miles outside of the Ranch so he was first to step out of the jeep with his hands up . " Is that anyway to greet long lost family members ? " he shouted . From behind what looked like very large gun barrels , a female voice called out " We shoot varmints that come around here . We turn them into Gramma 's secret stew . " The young woman flew into her brother 's arms before anyone could stop her . " So how many mountains did ya have to move to get here big brother ? " The rifles lowered and were slung out of the way as the two brothers were welcomed home . Kevin and Brock both answered " All of them ! " The laughing and clapping brought them back to their senses and of course Erin who was still in Roni 's arms . Tracey was giggling like crazy and when Roni looked around , there was only warmth in everyone 's eyes . She smiled sheepishly and then began to laugh with everyone else . Dinner that night was a party that lasted well into the night . Roni met all of Brock 's family including his crazy Gramma . They all had been welcomed with open arms and made to feel part of the family . Erin was passed around and awed over and Tracey found that Alexandria , Brock and Kevin 's other sister ; had a daughter just her age and they became fast friends . They had a night of celebration ; a celebration of life and a hope for a new beginning . Brock got the job done and relieved the big guy of the knife and found that he had been telling the truth , no other weapons were on him . He also picked up the gun off the counter as he walked by . The big guy began his story after lowering his arms . " You may not believe this but I promise that this is a true story . I 'm a Federal agent and have been under cover for 2 years trying to bust this gang that was trafficking drugs up from Mexico . I was still in deep cover when ' THIS ' happened , " he made a sweeping arm movement that encompassed the whole world going down the toilet and then continued " I have no family and couldn 't make contact with anyone in the FBI , so I decided to coast in my role and stay under cover . I haven 't been able to make any major difference in the violence that this gang has been spreading but I 've managed to take out one here and there in gun fights so that the gang thought they were killed by the others . There were fifty when it all went down but I never have killed any innocent and mostly acted as slightly ' not quite smart ' grunt . The Strikers can vouch for that . " Brock and Kevin looked at the Strikers , but Roni kept her eyes on the man . Both of the Strikers were nodding their heads and Michelle said " We both thought he was a slow one , he just would carry the heavy things around . He never did anything violent , it was the others . " Brock , Kevin and the Strikers all talked for a few moments and none felt like killing him in cold blood ; but were leary since they had no way to confirm his story except for him killing Bubba to protect Tracey . It seems that Bubba was getting fresh with Tracey at the same time the battle went down on the front porch . George had come in from the back , saw what was going on , and simply pulled him away from Tracey and shot him dead . " I 'm wondering how you managed to get in with this gang by playing a mentally challenged fella … . " Inquired Roni , who had by now taken Erin from Brock and was gently rocking her . Erin was finally calming down and was almost asleep on Roni 's shoulder . " That was much easier than I thought it would be . I pretended to be ' in love ' with Candy and once Candy realized how I ' doted ' on her ; I wasn 't let out of her sight . Mandy made me Candy 's protector and let me tell you , if the world hadn 't been turned upside down , I would have demanded hazard pay at least five times higher than what is normal for that job . " They all had a giggle at that because after what they had seen of Candy , it couldn 't have been an easy job . " Well , we still don 't know if we can trust you or not , but it 's obvious we can 't just kill you in cold blood either ; so we are going to tie you up for now and then decide what to do with you . " Mike said . Both Brock and Kevin tied George up . They then looked around and thought about the porch outside and promptly untied him and told him he was going to help with the clean up first . It was a long evening for all of them . They never did bother to tie George back up since he not only had many opportunities to run away but there was a couple times he could have grabbed any one of them and made them a hostage . They really began to believe his story when Mike saw his tattoo on his left shoulder blade when he took his shirt off to wash up after all the bodies had been taken care of . The tattoo told the story of a soldier who had seen combat and survived . Mike had a similar one on his shoulder blade . " I only know of two companies that got these tattoos and I had a good buddy in the one that wasn 't mine . He didn 't come home after the War . His name was Tom Holder . " " Tickin ' Time Bomb Tom ? " exclaimed George . " He saved my butt over there more than once . I was there when he was hit , did what I could do to make him comfortable but he was gone when the medic got there . There was just nothing else I could do to save him , he had been hit bad . " Mike and George set off by themselves for while talking about Tom and the war . Tracey had fallen asleep sitting up in a chair , so Brock went over and picked her up and Roni followed with Erin as he went outside . They got the girls settled in the truck for the night with the windows down some for fresh air . They made up their own beds right beside the truck but Roni scooted hers right next to Brocks and fell asleep with her head on his shoulder . Kevin and George took first watch . " Not really , it 's embarrassing and full of stupidity on my part . " retorted Roni " I really was an idiot ! I was changing Erin 's diaper before we were going to go hide and Tracey was in her little cubby . Well , I had just gotten Erin back in her seat with a pacifier and was walking around to get into the drivers seat . I just happened to glance into the side mirror and got a glimpse of a dude behind me with a gun raised above his head . I just didn 't move fast enough . Next thing I knew , I was here tied up next to you . " " Don 't feel bad , I also got caught with my pants down , so to speak . Wasn 't paying enough attention to my surroundings ; a couple of guys from this gang here crept up on me while I was spying on the place . Although I didn 't get knocked out ; I was quite embarrassed to be caught like that . " Brock sighed deeply and continued " So I reckon we got less than an hour for Kevin to make an appearance … one way or another . " " Let 's hope he is a bit smarter than we 've been . " giggled Roni . " Listen to us , here we are tied up , for now , our babies are in there with who knows who and here I am giggling my butt off . " " Sounds like a nervous giggle to me . I know how worried you are , I am too . Somehow I 've come to love those girls as if they were my own ! I would gladly give my life for them . And we will figure out a way to get them away safe and sound ! So don 't give up hope now ! " demanded Brock . A strange look came over Roni 's face just then . Then they both could hear a soft whisper " I 'm going to cut your ropes , but pretend you are still tied . There is some guy watching you from the window . " Kevin proceeded to cut the rope that was tying Roni 's wrists . They could just barely hear a soft slithering sound and a few moments later Brock 's wrists were also free . While this was happening , they kept up a soft chatter of worry about the girls . Hoping that it was loud enough to cover any sound Kevin may be making , but not so loud that it sounded false . They ended up being free and each had a knife pressed into their hands . Then Kevin was gone . They only had to wait about fifteen minutes before a couple of the biker guys came out , they were arguing with each other . " I 'm telling ya Peanut , Critter and Snag should have been back ten minutes ago . " " JimTom , they are probably off jerking around somewhere . " Then Peanut 's attention was drawn to Brock " Well , are ya comfy there fella ? " Then to be mean he walked over to Roni and ran his hand over her chest " Is this your woman ? I 'm gonna love teaching her new … . " was all he got out as Roni 's foot connected with his private parts and he keeled over in pain , not even able to get a whine out . The door was yanked open and Mandy and two of the bikers were standing there . " What the hell is going on out here ? " She demanded . Candy pushed herself between the two bikers and to Roni 's horror she had Erin in her arms . It took all of Roni 's inner strength to NOT move and rip Erin out of Candy 's arms . Since Peanut still couldn 't speak , JimTom started to say something but Roni quickly gained control of herself and broke in with " That creep tried to feel me up and so I put him in his place ! I don 't let ANY man touch me that way ! He needs to be put down for daring to treat a woman like trash ! " Mandy looked from Roni to Peanut and said " Serves you right Peanut ! You have no business touching her until I give her to you . You forgot your place in the way of things and so you should be glad that I don 't discipline you further . Get his ass out of here JimTom and I don 't want to see his sorry face around until morning . You two can pull guard duty all night long ! " She then swung her gaze back to Roni who was looking at Candy and Erin . She followed her gaze and said " Doesn 't my sister make a good mom ? We are going to keep them and raise them up to not take crap from anyone . Oh yeah , we 'll be changing their names , too . " Before she could say anything else , an arrow landed in the chest of one of the bikers standing at the door way . As Candy watched the growing red circle surrounding the arrow , Roni and Brock sprang into action , keeping low Brock grabbed Erin out of Candy 's arms and jumped off the porch since he was the closest to her . Roni grabbed Mandy as another arrow found the throat of the other male biker . He went down trying to scream and only gurgled blood . Mandy began to scream for the others but Roni grabbed her hair , pulled her head back and up , and slit her throat . She went down gagging on her own blood . Candy went hysterical and began chasing after Brock and Erin . Roni barely managed to stick a foot out and trip her up as she started toward the stairs at a full run ; she tripped and landed at an odd angle on the ground at the foot of the stairs . There was a gun shot from inside and Roni ran for the doorway , thinking of Tracey . She skidded to a stop about five feet inside when she realized that Mike Striker had a gun on a big guy who she hadn 't seen yet and as she glanced down , she saw Bubba , the one who had caught her , was dead on the floor . The big guy had his hands up and was silent . There was a gun on the counter not far from him . Michelle had Tracey with her over in a corner of the big room that they used to serve customers in . The place was a wreck . Roni ran over to Tracey and put her arms around her and gave her a big hug ! She didn 't even realize she was crying until Tracey asked her why there were tears on her face . " I 'm just very glad to see you and know that you are ok . " Just then Brock came into the room with Erin crying loudly and Kevin following him . " They are no longer a problem . " replied Kevin . " So what are we going to do with you ? You seem to be the last one of this here gang . " asked Mike of the big guy . Tracey broke away from Roni and ran to the big man , " His name is George and he 's my friend ! He shot that bad man who wanted to hurt me . " She declared . There were ten motorcycles in front of the mom and pop shop . The Striker sign looked like it had been shot up and was hanging down on one side . There was a RV off to the side of the parking lot and a heavily tattooed and muscled man was walking out of the door saying something to someone behind him . But the person didn 't come out and he shut the door . There were three guys that were also tattooed and dressed like bikers , watching a skinny blonde woman yelling at one of the posts of the porch . After a few more shouts and a shaking of her fist ; she collapsed across the steps in a heap . No one bothered to check her and the show over , they turned their attention elsewhere . The RV door opened and another blonde woman stuck her head out and Brock could clearly hear her yell " Bubba ! Pick her up and at least put her on the porch ! " The first man finished walking toward the porch and not so gently picked the limp woman up and half carried and half dragged her all the way up on the porch and over until she was under one of the windows . ' Hmmmm , wonder what that is all about , ' thought Brock as he continued to watch the scene below . He had seen both Mike and Michelle Striker just about fifteen minutes ago come out of that RV and they didn 't look like they were their happy go lucky selves . Their hands had been tied together and " Bubba " had taken them into the store before he went back to the RV . So far he had now counted five different male bikers and two blonde females but he figured that there had to be more since there were ten bikes . It looked like the blonde in the RV was the one in charge and if he wasn 't mistaken the two blondes were sisters . He had been on this hill for just under an hour and he needed to get back to Roni and Kevin within the next thirty minutes or they would begin to worry and have to come up with plan B . It was the " Pick a Number " game that kept Roni from scouting ahead . The adults were not quite , but almost arguing about who was going to go when Tracey said " Pick a number between one and twenty " . Roni picked 13 , Kevin picked 5 , and Brock picked 15 ; the number was 16 so Brock " won " and was relieved to know it wouldn 't be Roni . The pressure on his head and the click of a hammer being pulled back brought Brock abruptly back to the present . Brock 's heart went from his throat to the bottom of his gut at the laugh from JimTom as they pulled him to his feet , relieved him of his gun , and then half pushed him down the hill . Back at the truck , Kevin and Roni knew something had gone wrong since Brock was 45 minutes late . " Knowing my brother , I 'm sure he is in some kind of mess . I 'm going to get him out . " Working quickly , they found a likely spot to stash the trailers but the truck wouldn 't fit in that same spot so they covered the trailers with the camouflage netting they had brought and Roni took the truck and Kevin took the jeep . Kevin heading towards a dirt road that went off of the highway to find a place to park it and then he was going to head to the store on foot . It was about thirty minutes later that Kevin was lying down on top of a hill and looking down into the small valley where the " Striker 's Restaurant and Gift Shop " set about thirty feet from the road . He could clearly see his brother tied to one of the posts of the porch and there was evidence that he had been knocked around . There were two blondes standing in front of him on the porch and one was acting like she was tripping on drugs , with all her hollering and gesturing and then she would get real close to Brock and start running her hands all over him . The other blonde didn 't seem to be paying too much attention but Kevin could see that she was asking Brock questions and wasn 't getting the answers she wanted . Every once in a while she would slap Brock and the other woman would laugh hysterically . Kevin 's heart sank when he saw the truck that Roni and the girls had been in pull up to the front of the store . All heads turned to the sound . A big burly man got out of the drivers side and said something to the Boss Blonde and Kevin saw Brock tense up and try to pull at his bonds . Helpless , Kevin watched as an unconscious Roni was pulled from the passenger side of the truck . Then Tracey was giving heck about something , probably her baby sister . Sure enough when they pulled Erin 's car seat out , Tracey was right there over seeing the safety of her sister . But the big man was very gentle with Erin and Tracey . They tied Roni up onto another porch post and took the girls into the store . The Blondes went inside also . Kevin was beside himself and slowly backed off the hill and headed back to the Jeep . He was going to rescue his brother and new friend and the girls if it was the last thing he did . Once at the Jeep , he dug around until he came up with two handguns and four extra clips for each . He already had one knife strapped on but he slid another one down his left boot in a special holder that was built into the boot . At the last minute he grabbed one of the bows and a handful of arrows . The sun had gone down behind the mountains by the time that Kevin got back up to a good position to view what was going on . Roni was awake now and just by her body language , Kevin could tell she was ticked off . He couldn 't see the girls anywhere but the Boss Blonde was talking with Roni and Brock and the other blonde was what looked like sleeping on the porch off in one corner . Looking around , Kevin could see at least two people walking around on the other side of the restaurant going up the hill in the back . Figuring that they would eventually work their way to where he was , Kevin decided to meet them half way and try to even up the odds somewhat . Roni was livid , the blonde called Mandy , who seemed to be calling all the shots ; was refusing to let Roni see the girls . " I just want to know that they are ok . " Roni insisted " I can hear the baby crying , she is probably hungry . Please let me go to her and feed her . " " All in good time , the child isn 't going to die unless you try something . Now I want to know if there are any more people out there that I need to be worried about . And please tell me the truth , or those precious girls you care so much about will be the ones to suffer . " Roni was saved from answering because the other blonde suddenly woke up and was demanding a hit of something . " Calm down Candy . I have what you need , come on with me to the RV . " said Mandy but to Roni she exclaimed " Don 't think I 'm through with you yet . " And the two blonde sisters went over and into the RV . Roni and Brock locked eyes . Roni was at a loss as to what to say . She didn 't want to get Kevin hurt , but she was not going to do anything that would harm the girls . There wasn 't anyone on the porch right then . All the male bikers were in the store . They could hear Erin crying and Tracey singing to her trying to sooth her and at the same time complaining to everyone in there that her baby sister needed to eat ! " Go ahead and tell her , Kevin will understand . I 'm hoping that he is working on a way to help us out here . Even if we tell about him , he can still be our secret weapon . " " Please let me see my girls . I promise I won 't try anything , I really need to hold my baby ! " She was ignored as the pair walked down the stairs of the porch , retrieved the diaper bag with bottles and formula out of the truck and went back into the restaurant . Mandy and Candy came back out of the RV and both Roni and Brock could tell that Candy was rip roaring high . She was talking a mile a minute and practically bouncing towards the restaurant instead of walking . She came right up to Roni and began talking . " I think I 'm going to keep those girls I always wanted to be a momMandydoesn ' tcare andiwillbeagoodmomIjustknowIwill , I ' llbeamuchbettermomthanourmomwastous ! " she rattled on and as she spoke she spit all over Roni . Candy 's eyes were dilated so much that Roni could barely tell what color they were . It looked like Candy had a Meth habit and that her sister somehow didn 't mind her having it . " You get your own sister high ? What is wrong with you ? " asked Brock while observing how Mandy and Candy were interacting . Mandy actually looked amused at her sister 's actions and he could tell that Candy knew she was pleasing her sister ! Mandy decided to answer Brock with " My sister has a medical problem , she is a narcoleptic . By giving her Meth , she is able to stay awake for awhile . Otherwise she will sleep for literally weeks at a time . This way she only falls asleep when I want her too or when the Meth wears off . The only bad thing is she is needs a larger dose of Meth and at smaller intervals . So you see ; I do this because I love my sister , not that I 'd expect you to understand . " Brock looked over at Roni with a grin on his face , she also had a grin . Mandy had just told them her weakness . They had a new secret weapon ! After driving for four straight hours , Kevin decided that they needed to find a safe place and get out and stretch a bit . Tracey had fallen asleep for the past two hours , but now was awake once more and announcing that she was indeed hungry enough to eat a horse , not that she would … . but she was just that hungry and she REALLY needed to go " potty " . In the truck , Roni had come to the conclusion that she and back seats just did not get along real well even though she had rearranged the back seating area five times , she just could not stretch her legs out . So she was relieved when she saw that Kevin had put on his blinker . Both vehicles pulled over to the side of the road . Erin was sleeping in her seat since Roni had just taken her out and changed her diaper and fed her a bottle . Kevin was helping Tracey out of the jeep as Brock and Roni stepped up to the trailer on the back of the jeep . " I think it 's time for some lunch " remarked Kevin as Tracey jumped up and down nodding her head and saying something about looking for a horse . Roni wasn 't quite sure what she was talking about but convinced her to come around to the back of the truck where Tracey told Roni of her need for a bathroom . Roni spied some bushes off to the side of the road , grabbed a few Kleenex , and told the guys to keep an eye on Erin since she and Tracey had some business to attend to . It didn 't take too long and they were back at the truck where , after washing their hands with some bottled water and a bar of soap , together they got some thick ham sandwiches made up and grabbed a big golden delicious apple for everyone , except Erin of course . They only had water to drink , but it managed to refresh them . As they munched on the apples ; Roni , Brock and Kevin looked over one of the maps that was in the glove box of the truck . They had a map of Utah stretched out over the hood of the truck . Tracey had crawled in the truck and was in ' her room ' looking at some picture books and sounding out words in them . It had took a bit of wiggling because Erin was right in front of the window but she managed without disturbing her baby sister . " No , not yet anyways . What I 'm worried about is getting more gas . We haven 't passed any cars at all for the past two hours . I figure we have enough in the cans to top the jeep and truck off and then we really need to find some more gas . I think we should go ahead and top the jeep off , but use the gas in the extra tank in the truck and save the cans for the jeep . " " Good idea and since we decided to stay on the 6 , there is a little Mom and Pop store just before we get to the next set of hills . I figure it 's about 20 more miles . And at the rate we are going , it will take us not quite an hour to get there . They have gas tanks and a small restaurant . When I would come this way , I would always stop and have a meal . They used to make a mean breakfast special that you could get any time of the day " said Roni . " I really think we should seriously consider stopping there and resting up somewhat . I am hoping that the owners are still around . But with how things are now , we may end up with nothing . I would be inclined to think they are so far out of the way that no one has bothered them , but after what happened with Tracey 's family ; well , I am having my doubts . " " I know the place you are talking about . " responded Brock . " I know the owners , they are Mike and Michelle Striker and I was hoping to check on them as we came through here anyways . But I think the smart thing to do would be to check the area out before we go in there blindly " Roni volunteered to drive the jeep and go in alone first but both Brock and Kevin protested that it was too dangerous . Roni just stared at them and then calmly told them that the girls ' safety was most important and that she felt better knowing that they would be safe with the guys . Just then Tracey came back up and announced that Erin had woken up and was needing to get out and stretch her legs too . Roni laughed and walked back to the truck and gathered Erin into her arms . Brock was hit hard by the sight of Roni carrying Erin ; somehow it shook him to his core . Roni seemed to glow with a deep , serene confidence that clearly showed she was indeed now Erin 's mom . He walked around the hood of the truck to Roni , gently lifted her chin up to face him with his fingers and ever so softly kissed her mouth . Tracey broke the moment by giggling . A few evenings later Brock and Roni were sitting on the scrubbed front porch steps sipping on hot coffee . They all had worked hard to get ready and they were going to pull out in the morning , bright and early . They had gotten the truck started and found an enclosed trailer to hook up to it . They filled all the gas cans they could find , both tanks in the truck , and the jeep with gas from the upright gas storage tank that sat next to the barn . They also found a small flat trailer made for pulling motorcycles and had hooked that up to the jeep with Roni 's bike on it . It had been hard figuring out what to take since they all doubted that they would be back anytime soon and they also had to decide whether to leave the place standing in case Tracey or Erin wanted to come home someday or burn it so no one would trash the place . They knew they didn 't have room for everything ; yet , they wanted to take keepsakes for the girls in case they didn 't want to come back . So in the end they decided to board up all the windows they could and lock up as best as they could . And if someone broke in , then someone broke in . It was decided that all the weapons would go , although there wasn 't many ; just a few rifles and two compound bows plus all the ammo and arrows they found . All the food would go except that in the freezer . Most of the food was already canned . There was mostly meat in the freezer and it wasn 't full , only about half way . They ate the steak for every meal while they were there . They cleaned out both the frig and freezer and fit all they could in the four coolers they found . The venison was tossed into the woods for the animals since it wasn 't really fresh anymore . They took all the clothes they could find for Tracey and Erin plus some blankets and pillows . Tracey was going to cram all her favorite toys , books , and special things into the back seat of the truck , claiming that spot for her own ; but since she was so small and there was a shell on the back of the truck , Roni took the mattress off of the crib and Still sipping on the coffee , Roni and Brock could hear wolves howling and snarling at each other off in the distance . They both had grins on their faces . Brock gave a deep warm laugh at her words . Roni felt warmth begin to grow deep in her own chest . Their eyes locked onto each others and electricity seemed to course between them . Kevin coughing in the door way broke the spell they seemed to be under and they looked away from each other , both were blushing slightly and grinning . " Must be because you love to make up voices for all the characters . " remarked Brock . " And I volunteer for the first watch , because somehow I don 't think I 'm going to get to sleep anytime soon . " Kevin was driving the jeep with Tracey safely buckled in the front seat next to him begging for stories . Brock was driving the truck following behind with baby Erin making cute baby noises and looking around with wonder in her car seat in the middle of the back seat , safely buckled in . Roni was riding in the back seat next to Erin playing with her tiny fingers and hands . No one looked back as they drove down the driveway . They only stopped to replace the log across the faint driveway . " Ok guys , I 'm going to get Erin cleaned up and fed . Will you two go get our vehicles ; do you think you can find the driveway again ? " She was worried they might get lost . It didn 't take the guys too long to get back and begin to clean up the yard . The first thing they did do was dig a large grave for Lana and Marcus . The rest of the bodies , they drug out into the woods , far away from the house . They used Roni 's motorcycle to do that ; so it didn 't take long . They had gone through all the pockets of the bad guys and didn 't find too much . Some cash , a couple of knives , and some ammo for the guns they had been carrying . After burying Marcus and Lana , they all gathered by the grave and Tracey laid two big roses on top that she had clipped from one of the bushes in the garden by the back door , with just a little help from Kevin . Roni was holding Erin and said a small prayer . Tracey quietly said " Good - bye for now mommy and daddy . I 'll see you again when Jesus wakes you up . Sleep tight . I love you and I will take care of Erin for you . " " In here ! " Roni cried as she ran to the bed to check her friend , she found a faint pulse . The guys stepped into the room and immediately Roni began to bark orders . " Kevin , go find towels and see if the water is on , the bathroom in that way , I need clean water , lots of it and many towels . Brock , come over here and help me . Tracy honey , is there anyone else here now ? " " Ok honey , now I need you to be really brave , just like you have been . You can help me get your mommy cleaned up and fixed up ok ? " " Ok " Roni and Tracey cleaned and checked Lana over and found where the bullet went in . The small hole was just above the round belly that was now taunt and tight . Lana was in labor . When Roni gently rolled her over , she found the exit wound and it didn 't look good . The mattress was soaked in blood . Kevin came back in from the bathroom with towels and a pan of water . Lana started to groan and weakly opened her eyes . Roni took her face into her hands and told her that she was going to do everything she could to help her . Lana gripped Roni 's hand and said " Save my baby ! " And then she passed out once again . " Kevin , will you take Tracey into her room and help her pack her a bag please ? Tracey , this is a good friend of mine and his name is Kevin . I want you to go with him to your room and pick out a few favorite toys and your favorite clothes . And see if you can 't find a picture of your mommy and daddy too , ok ? " Roni took a deep breath and said " She 's not going to make it . The wound is too severe ; and she has lost too much blood . We have to get this baby out of her . I can 't let them both die . " Then they heard a deep sigh , a slight gurgle , and then silence . Lana was gone . Roni sprang into action and slid her knife out of it holder at her side , she ripped open Lana 's shirt and began to cut into her belly right under the lower part of the bulge . One minute later , she was handing Brock a wiggly baby girl that was screaming her lungs out at the shock of the light in her wide open eyes . Brock tenderly wrapped her in a towel and looked at Roni . Both of them had tears streaking their faces . The new baby was perfect in every way . Kevin and Tracey came in after Roni had cut the cord and wrapped the new baby up in a big towel . Brock had covered Lana with a blanket . Roni showed them the tiny baby girl . Never one to lie , especially to children ; Roni tried to soften the double blow that Tracey had by saying softly " Yes sweetie . Your parents are resting in death now . We will make sure that they are taken care of and their wishes followed . I know exactly what to do . " The three girls headed downstairs . Brock and Kevin looked at each other . " We need a bigger vehicle now ; no way am I leaving those three alone . And there is no way we can have a new baby in the open air of the jeep . " Brock said . " I agree " said Kevin . " Let 's go down and talk with Roni and see what she has in mind . Everything has happened so fast , but somehow I think she knows already what she is going to do . " The two guys followed the girls downstairs and found them in the front room . Tracey and her new sister were snuggled up in a big blue recliner and totally fascinated with each other 's faces . Roni was standing over them . " They will probably sit like that for awhile " said Roni " Now we need to get things in order . Marcus has a king cab diesel truck out back in the big garage and I 'd like to see if it will run . If one of you will keep watch , I 'll go do that . I 'm hoping that this place is far enough away from any of the hit areas that any EMP wouldn 't have affected it . " " Thank you . If you pull a chair up here , " Roni motioned to a spot that was by the front door " you should be able to keep an eye on the driveway and the girls . We also need to go get the jeep and bike . Maybe we should do that first , what do you think Brock ? " Roni asked . " Do you want Kevin and I to go get them , since Tracey knows you best ? Plus , I 'm not quite sure what to do if Erin cries . " " That sounds great ; just give me a minute or two to see if there is any milk at all around here . Lana was going to breast feed , but she may have gotten some powdered formula just in case her milk didn 't come in right away . " Kevin stayed with the girls and kept watch while Roni and Brock went into the kitchen to search for formula . In the well stocked pantry they found two cases of formula . " Yes , Marcus and Lana both believed in being prepared . This just may cause us a problem since I don 't think I 'll be able to take everything and I don 't want to stay here . You do realize don 't you , that I 'm taking the girls , but I would still like to travel with you until we reach Durango . " " You know I think that Eddie took them by surprise since he would be someone they would ask questions of first - then shoot . That 's what it looks like out there , he surprised them and got off that first shot and hit Marcus . I wouldn 't doubt it one bit if it was Lana that got Eddie and since it looks like Marcus died instantly , Lana was the one that got the rest of them too . " " You could tell all that in just the few moments we were out there ? " asked Brock incredulously . " Sure , I was raised to be very observant and I made it a game to be able to ' see ' more than my sisters . I was a lot better at it than them . I 've been told I have a photographic memory . " After digging through all the cupboards , they found an assortment of bottles . They were the Playtex kind with the disposable bags to hold the milk . Roni went ahead and washed her hands and arms well under the running facet and then fixed up a smaller bottle with some bottled water she found . She was glad that Marcus and Lana had propane so she was able to light the stove and warm the bottle up a bit . Turning the facet back on , she started to fill up one side of the sink . " They have a gravity flow system . Their water comes from a spring up on the hill behind the house . When the generator is on , the water pressure is stronger , but it flows pretty well when it 's off . I 'm going to go get the girls and clean Erin up and try to decide what to take . " She poured the hot water she had used to warm the bottle up into the side of the sink that was half full after setting the bottle on the counter . Turning off the water ; she said she would be right back and ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs . Brock followed her out and stayed in the living room waiting for her to come back down . The smell of hot coffee tickled Roni 's nose and slowly brought her out of the depths of sleep where the nightmares were of the walking dead . Not being any kind of rational person before coffee ; she slipped out of her sleeping bag , sat up and reached over to her bag and pulled out a cup and held it out to Kevin since he was the one who had the pot in his hands pouring himself a cup . " I see I have another non - morning person to deal with . " he said , laughing softly , as he nodded over in his brother 's direction . Brock was also barely out of his sleeping bag and already held a steaming cup of Joe between his hands and was sipping on it . " You are gonna really love me when I tell you that the showers are now working over there in the bathrooms . As you can see , I 've already availed myself of them . " Roni squinted up at him with one eye open , and saw that indeed he looked freshly laundered . That perked her up almost as much as the coffee was . She quickly downed the rest of the cup , handed it to Kevin and said " I 'll be back in ten . " And grabbing her bag , off she went to the bathroom . As the hot water began to ease the aches of sleeping on the ground , she briefly thought about having to ask him later just how he had gotten them working but for now , she was going to get clean ! The three had gotten to know each other the previous night as they ate venison steaks and hot peach cobbler . Kevin and Brock had both been employed at Scaled Composites , a small company at the Mojave Airport and had worked on the Voyager and the new prototype private space ship . Their mom and dad lived in Durango , CO and they were hoping that their two sisters were there already since they lived a lot closer . Their mother 's mother also lived on the farm with their parents . Last night , during supper , they told many stories about their crazy Gramma , her childhood with 13 brothers and sisters , her remarkable ability to find lost items , and how she loved being a pack rat . But Roni could tell they loved their Gramma especially when they told how she was the one that instilled the love of bugs , lizards , bats , and snakes in them . Roni had to grin when they spoke of all the concoctions their Gramma would have them drink when they got sick . That got her to talking about how her and her sisters had been orphaned at a young age and split up , but how they were able to meet together at Momma Sue 's and how Momma Sue taught them all about the world of plants and healing . She even told them about her window and how hard it had been to make and how it was destroyed . " Any canned goods , blankets , tools , and things like that . " spoke up Roni . " But I really don 't think we will find too much that we will be able to use since to me , it looked like whoever did the killings also took all the usable things . " The three of them did decide to go ahead and get out of the park that day and that they would check the campsites that lay between them and the east exit of the park . They all thought they would feel much better getting out of the park with all the dead . They just went ahead and wrapped up the extra meat as good as they could and hoped they would find a cooler . When they stopped for the night , they would just go ahead and cook and eat as much as they could anyways . They ended up putting the extra gas cans of Roni 's into the back of the jeep , but she wouldn 't part with anything else . They did manage to find some gas that had gotten over looked by whoever had killed everyone . There was some left in one of the auxiliary gas tanks of a truck that was hooked to a fifth wheel camper . They had just enough to top off the jeep 's tank and one of the extra gas cans . They also found a cooler that had the lid broke off , but otherwise intact . A couple of bungee cords held the lid down and the rest of the venison fit inside nicely . The death and destruction in Yosemite Park was long behind them by late afternoon when they stopped to find more gas . They had followed the 120 all the way to highway 6 which they followed into Nevada . " I hope we are able to get enough gas out of these cars to fill all our tanks up . " Said Brock as they looked around at the three lone cars that were the first ones they had seen in almost an hour . They ended up with a full tank for Roni 's motorcycle and just over three fourths of a tank in the jeep . But their extra gas cans were empty . " Well , it 's only about another hour to my friend 's house . We should have enough . " said Roni as they finished gathering all the gas . " And we may just find some more cars on the way . " " I don 't know about you guys , but I 'm starving . " Said Kevin " Let 's go ahead and get us something to eat and rest for a bit . " " I know I could use some more coffee , I 'm needing a caffeine jolt in a bad way . " said Brock . " Ok , that is a good idea , I 'll need my strength also because my friends tend to be a bit paranoid and we may have to convince them we are friendly . " Roni said in a teasing tone . After a quick , but nourishing meal , complete with hot coffee , thanks to a small can of sterno ; the three loaded back up and headed back up the road . Roni was taking the lead since she knew where the cut off was to her friends house . About 30 miles down the road , Roni began to slow down . They hadn 't seen any other vehicles at all . Kevin and Brock could see that she was looking for something in the south side of the road . They watched as she pulled off onto a faint dirt road that was barely visible and the guys wouldn 't even have seen it if she hadn 't pointed it out . Roni waited as the guys pulled up next to her in the jeep . When Roni lifted her visor , Brock could see right away that she was worried . " What 's wrong ? " he asked . " I 'm not sure , there usually is a log that lays across the road … that log right there as a matter of fact . " she said as she pointed to a long log at least seven feet long and about half a foot wide . " That log is ALWAYS across the road . " Roni got off the bike and walked over to the log . She bent over and ran her hand over the farthest end of the log . When she stood back up , she had a wire in her fingers . " This is supposed to be hooked to an early warning alarm system with a bell at the end . It has been cut . I think we need to stash the jeep and bike and walk in very carefully and be ready for anything . You guys don 't have to go with me , but I have to check on my friends . Lana is pregnant and I reckon she is due in about a week . If everything was ok , they would have already fixed this . " Roni gave them a relieved smile and said " Follow me . " She then got on her bike and got back on the road and led them to a small rest area that had another faint dirt road that led off the back . They only drove about 15 minutes and they were in a very small clearing . They parked the jeep and bike next to each other . Roni went off into the brush for a moment and came back with a bundle of camouflage netting . She just grinned and the guys didn 't even ask how she knew it was there . After covering the vehicles , they decided what to take . Roni took her backpack with the first aid kit in it and her gun and whip . She asked the guys if they wanted the guns that she had taken from the creeps who broke her window and they said no , they had their own . She kept them in her pack . They all took water bottles and then set off . Roni took the lead and followed a small game trail . They ended up going into a canyon and climbing the back wall of it . She stopped at the top , crouched down . Brock and Kevin joined her and they all caught their breath . Kevin let out a low whistle as the three looked down into the next canyon . It would have looked like the Garden of Eden itself , if it weren 't for the dozen or so dead bodies laying around the yard . " Oh my God , that is Marcus there on the porch . And that one over there by the Ford Truck looks like Lana 's ex husband - Eddie . " " What ever happened , it looks like it is over and we should get down there and check it out . But still let 's try to be quiet and quick . " said Brock . And the three of them went down into the canyon as quietly and quickly as they could . When they got to the yard , they checked each body as they came to it , they all were dead . It looked like the gun fight had just happened that morning . All three had their guns drawn and ready to fire . Roni climbed the steps to the front porch and checked Marcus . He was also gone . She headed into the house . " Lana ! ? Tracey ! ? " she hollered . Tracey was Lana 's and Marcus 's four year old daughter . Kevin and Brock came in right behind her and together they cleared the first floor and then headed upstairs . " Lana ! " Roni called again and she heard a small whimper coming from the master bedroom . She quickly went in and stepped to the side scanning the room . Tracey was there by her mothers side on the bed , crying . There was blood all over the bed . The only road through Yosemite Park was the 120 , also known as Big Oak Flat Pass that turned into Tioga Pass . Roni hated having to take it since if there was anyone in the park that is most likely where they would be . There were many campsites on that road . But she was hoping that most of the people would be gone by now . The ride to the Park had taken all of yesterday and had gone fairly smooth . There were a couple of old dirt bike trails that had cut off much of the highways and she tried to stay on them except for when she had to find gas . But going through the park , she would have to stay on the road , it was simply too dangerous to go off trail . Plus it would take too much time and gas . She hoped to go straight through the park and be well on the other side by lunch time . By finding a spot off road just before she got to the park on the 140 / Yosemite year round hwy ; Roni had managed to find a couple of cars with gas still in them and one even had an extra gas can . She kept that and managed to figure a way to hook it on the bike . Not that she liked having ONE gas can at her back , let alone TWO ! Roni was making good time when she got to the White Wolf camp ground . She slowed down to almost a crawl when she noticed that there was something wrong with the site . She turned into the camp ground to do a drive through lookie - loo . Her blood ran cold when she noticed the first bodies . It looked like a family of five had been camping when the EMP hit and their site was totally trashed . But it was human hands that had tied the family up to a large tree and it wasn 't hard to see that the four - legged animals had came after the two - legged ones had left . Roni slowly made the rounds . It was the same story at four other sites . Two of the sites had worthless RV 's still parked , but ripped apart . How in the world did this happen ? Did they simply wait their turn to be killed ? Or was there simply too many bad guys and they hit all the sites at once ? The latter seemed to be the only reasonable explanation . Was the gang still in thAll these questions swirled through Roni 's head until she placed them in the part of her brain that would allow her to stay aware of the danger but not let the horror of it all stunt her abilities to keep her wits about her . After debating for just a moment on whether she should move on or see if there was anyone or anything at the Yosemite Creek campground , she turned off the main road towards the site . As she traveled down the road , she noticed that the plant life was already trying to reclaim it . This was hopefully a good sign , meaning that no one had traveled the road in a while . Well , that turned out to be a myth , for when she turned into the site she almost ran over a man standing in the road with a shotgun leveled at her . OOPs ! Too late to turn tail and run away ! The good news was that he hadn 't shot her yet . She skidded to a halt about twenty feet in front of him . Slowly Roni took off her helmet after turning her bike off . Her long black braid slid over one shoulder . She set her helmet on the gas tank and crossed her arms over it . " Well , I guess we 've got two choices here , " she said to the man still holding the gun on her . " You can go ahead and try to shoot me or I can break out a couple cans of peaches , a bit of sugar and flour and whip up a peach cobbler to go with whatever that wonderful smell is that you 've got cooking . " Then she gave him her best ' I 'm such a good girl ' smile and waited for him to say something . Brock could not believe his eyes ! The woman in front of him either had balls of brass or was crazy to be acting like she was , but man was she a knock out ! There was a rope of black hair falling over one shoulder that seemed to glow with a life of its own and her deep blue eyes were direct and honest looking , although wary . Before he drowned in their depths , he decided to take a chance with her and he slowly lowered the gun . And by God are those three freckles dancing on the bridge of her nose ? " I guess I can 't pass up peach cobbler and I think it will top off the venison we 've got cooking nicely . " Brock said as he walked closer and held out his hand . " My name is Brock Stetson and my brother over there is Kevin . " When his hand grasped hers , what felt like a solid spark was felt by both of them . Both were startled but tried to cover it up . Kevin came out of the trees as Roni was shaking Brock 's hand and so to try to gather her wits and shake that . . . whatever it was , Roni introduced herself . " Nice to meet you two , I 'm Roni and I 'm just passing through on my way to my sister 's place . But I am hungry and will keep my part of the bargain . I can make a mean cobbler over the fire , if I do say so myself . " For some reason Roni thought she would be able to trust these two . It wasn 't their looks , although they both were very good looking . But more like something in their eyes . There was a kindness despite the haunted look ; a deep goodness that seemed to go right to their soul . Roni got off her bike and pushed it closer to the camp site and shook Kevin 's hand . " Well , we didn 't kill them that 's for sure . We only got here this morning and since there was no one at this camp ground we decided to rest up and get better organized . " replied Brock . It seemed he wasn 't able to keep his eyes off of Roni and so he decided to keep talking to her so he wouldn 't seem rude . " We are headed east to see if any of our family made it . We were just north of LA in a town called Mojave when everything stopped and we saw the glow from LA when it was hit . We figured that Edwards Air Force Base would be hit and so got the hell out of there as fast as we could . Thankfully , Mojave had an airport with a lot of steel buildings and we have a friend who kept his vehicles in one and had an extra jeep that he let us have . He took another one and headed out himself . We stocked it up with what we could find and got out of there . We stayed with another friend for awhile but decided to hit the road again to check on our family and here we are . What about you ? " " I 'm from Carmel on the coast and a bunch of punks took over the town , killed my best friend , and ruined my window . " Roni deeply sighed with the memory . " I decided it was time to go to my sister 's home and I hit the road yesterday and here I am today hoping to get a bite of that venison soon . Do you mind if I start that cobbler ? It will need to cook for a while . " The three of them settled around the fire as Roni mixed up a cobbler out of a few cups of flour with some sugar tossed in a Dutch oven she pulled from one of her panniers . She topped off the mixture with a couple cans of peaches and set it in some coals she had scraped out of the fire off slightly to the side . She put the lid on top of the Dutch oven she made the cobbler in and scooped up some more coals and placed them on the lid . Talk turned back to the dead people out there and Roni ended up asking " Do you think whoever did that is still around ? I 'll be glad to take a watch tonight . " Brock again was the one to speak up " We haven 't heard or seen anyone since we got here this morning . We went all the way through the park , but came back here to when we realized that this was the only camp ground with no dead bodies in it . " " Yes , and it is even worse . These people have been dead for at least two days if not longer and the animals have gotten to most of them . We didn 't find any survivors . We were going to rest up today , get the jeep reorganized and leave tomorrow at first light . Then Kevin here had a shot at this deer that he couldn 't pass up so we decided to try to dry what meat we don 't eat tonight and that may make us stay here another day . " Talk slowed down as they ate their dinner and topped it off with some delicious peach cobbler that had Brock and Kevin praising Roni and her culinary skills . Afterwards it was decided who would take which watch . Once the sun went down all the way , they were ready to get as much sleep as possible . Roni took the first watch and at midnight she woke Brock up and then hit her sleeping bag . She slept like a log ! Her last thought before she drifted off was " I sure hope I don 't snore tonight ! " " Crap , crap , crap , crap , crap ! " Muttered Veronica under her breath , " I just knew I should have left sooner ! " Anger flushed through her as a crash in her living room sounded through out the house . She knew it had to be the stained glass window she had finished and installed only one month before the fan got hit with the fecal matter . It was such a beautiful window too ; sparkling in all that sunlight as the sun was setting over the Pacific Ocean . She had been working on that window for almost a year ! She peeked around the corner of the hall wall into the living room ; a grin crossed her face since the jerk that broke the window still couldn 't get in with all the metal work that she had done with the picture . Such a lovely picture , it was two angels one female and one male , holding three young girls in their arms ; wings outstretched yet embracing at the same time . All the people had smiles on their faces . Now Veronica decided she was good and angry ! Usually of the most mildest of tempers , not much got under her skin ; but the destruction of the one piece of Art she had made in her parent 's memories flipped on her anger button big time ! Standing up she stomped over to the whip she kept on the stand by the front door and taking up the spare magazine for her gun that she had at her back , she shoved the clip into her back pocket and shook out the whip while ripping open the door . Yep , she was ticked off all right ! The jerk trying to smash in the window was unaware of Roni 's presence until the whip wrapped around his neck and jerked him off his feet . The crowbar that was in his hand went flying through the air and caused the other two punks with him to duck . The whip lashed out again and struck one of the punk 's hands causing him to drop the gun he had . The three punks looked her way as Roni said " You just bought that window with your lives . By the way , the front door was unlocked . " then with the whip in her right hand and gun in her left , she fired three shots . She didn 't really feel any regret over the killing of the punks , since she recognized them as the same three who had broke in and killed her one great friend , an older lady , Mrs . Tammy Beauford . Things had been going fairly well here since the EMP went off , but when the gang came down from San Francisco just under two weeks ago and killed the sheriff and almost all the rest of the law enforcement here , crap had been being flung far and wide . Mrs . Beauford was a lovely older lady who never bothered anyone and was always happy to see Roni . She had bought a few of Roni 's Art pieces and when she commissioned her to make a bust of her dear husband about five years ago , they became fast friends . Roni had been trying hard to make sure Mrs . Beauford was protected , especially since the gang had come , but Mrs . Beauford would not move from her home . She thought she was far enough from town to not be noticed . She was wrong and when Roni had not been there , the same three that she had just killed had found the house , broke in , terrorized then killed Mrs . Beauford . When Roni got there , the three were roaring down the road in an old truck that was filled with many of Mrs . Beaufords belongings . She would have gone after them right then but she thought that there might be a chance Mrs . Beauford was alive and needed medical help . Now Mrs . Beauford rests in death in her back yard in her rose garden . A simple marker stands at the head of the grave . " Beloved wife and friend . Tammy Beauford " Roni shakes her head and brings herself back into the present . After taking the weapons that were on the bodies , wrapping them up in one of the slimy jerk 's bandana , and letting the ' coke ' she found blow away in the breeze coming off the ocean ; Roni decided to leave the bodies there and to move up the day for leaving town to today . Yes , it was time to go . She hadn 't been able to get any more messages to either of her sisters . Emma was in Colorado and Gracie was in Arkansas . She had been able to only get one message to each . Gracie 's friend Tucker had told her she may have to leave her beloved ocean and he also gave her some good ideas on how to get her motorcycle running and what to pack . His warning about sticking to back roads was clear in her mind , but she always took the back roads when she would go visit Emma . She liked the scenery and she had a couple friends along the route that she usually stayed with for a day or so , to break up the drive . Turning around , with the three handguns , four knives and one pair of handcuffs tied up in the bandana , her gun back in the belt at her back , and her whip coiled up once again , Roni went back into her house , closed the door , locked it and walked straight through to her kitchen . The knives were pieces of junk so she broke the blades and tossed them in the trash . The guns weren 't much better , but she figured they may come in handy even if they only had the bullets that were in them . She hadn 't found any extra ammo on any of the bodies and she didn 't feel like looking for any vehicle that they had come in . She thoroughly washed her hands after pouring some water in a big bowl , using a lot of soap . Those creeps made her feel dirty . She then finished the last of the salad she had made from the veggies that Mrs . Beauford had had in her garden . She had only taken a couple of bites when the punks hadRoni rinsed out her bowl with some water . She walked through her house making sure that there was nothing left that she wanted to take and actually could take . Placing the full duffel bag and back pack inside the garage , Roni went back into the kitchen got all the non - perishable food and the two jugs of water and took them out to the garage also . She packed the food and water into the two panniers that she had on her bike , a small Dutch oven fit on top nicely . The duffel bag got strapped down on the rack that connected the panniers . The duffel bag now contained the guns and handcuffs she had so recently acquired . Going back into the house , Roni went to the cupboard that was over the small washer and dryer that was in the corner of the kitchen , and grabbed her tightly bound sleeping bag that also had a tarp in it . She took that out and strapped it with the duffel bag . The last thing she strapped on was the extra gas can that was filled with gas . This had its own special rack over the back fender . With her over - sized regular tank and the extra gas , she could ride for just under 350 miles before she had to refill . Since she would be taking her usual route , she hoped that the places she normally would stop for gas would be there but she had a small hose with a bulb that she could use to siphon gas out of tanks of the vehicles she figured she would encounter on her way . She was already wearing her most precious possession , her dad 's dog tags . Emma had gotten her dad 's wedding ring , Gracie got their mom 's and she got the dog tags . They meant the world to her and she never took them off . These three things were the only things that the girls had of their parents . After making sure she had all she wanted , Roni clipped the whip on the belt at her waist , stuck her gun in the holster she put on , and before she stepped into the garage and almost closed the door behind her - probably for the last time ever ; but she decided that she needed to get the rest of the anger over the window out of her system . So she proceeded back into her home and began to empty all the glass dishes out of her cupboards and break them . When they were all broken , she stepped over the shards and left her home no longer angry . " Well , I hope the story of that fateful time reaches the eyes and ears of future generations . I ended up marrying Matthew Flannery , son of Patrick and he is a most wonderful husband and father to our five kids . The kids from St . Jude 's all are healthy now . How can one not get healthy with Momma Sue looking after you ? She stuffed them with Essaic Tea and many other herbs and concoctions . Boy did she have many go a rounds with Dr . Rutherford . But of course in the end , Momma Sue won a new admirer and between the two of them , they managed to educate many in the healing arts . As a matter of fact , healing is learned by all here . Although Momma Sue has since passed away , she sure managed to cram her knowledge into all of our heads , so now we each carry her in our hearts and minds always . All of us kids grew up in a wild and dangerous time . We had many problems to tackle . But as a community , we tackled them . We had some losses and we had some troublemakers and yep FEMA did come but didn 't find much . Granny Gibbs managed to put about another half dozen bad people in their graves before she fell asleep in death . It was an EMP that hit the world that day . It seems that Korea was to blame and since China and Russia didn 't have a clue what was going on , they set off all their missiles . Many of our major cities were hit , why Memphis wasn 't ; I don 't know but I am thankful since that is where my Matthew was . The US government managed to set off all of our missiles also and let 's just say that in another couple hundred years , we may just get to rediscover the east . About a year later , a real bad flu swept the country . Thanks to our isolation , we managed to escape it . Our friends in Payneway also faired well . The signals off of the cell towers are still used today , even though Payneway now has two doctors of their own . Mostly they are now used to signal for gatherings and good times . Daniel , the young boy who managed to hook himself to Doc ; well he was and is a real sweetie . He began talking about one month after Doc brought him home and has not shut up since ! He also ended up marrying my name sake ; Abigail , who I 'll talk a bit about in a moment . Things are quite different now . Oh yes , we are still the United States of America , but I like to think we are a better country . We now once again value the good things like dignity , honor , and integrity . We value each person for their strengths and help all to over come any weaknesses . No we are not a perfect country , but with the help of our Creator , maybe someday we will get pretty close . There is a lot less greed in the world now . People are more content with the basics and good company . Children are once again considered a great blessing and we have lots of kids running around town now a days . Our little community has grown to a whopping 1500 + and we all help each other out with the planting and harvesting . We still tend to keep to ourselves for the most part . We have a school again , although not like any government school there ever was . We teach courses that allow the kids to live in this new world we find ourselves . Much learning is done at home from the parents and everyone is welcome at school . The rule is " you 're never too old to learn something new " and we all take it seriously . Every so often one of us will go out into the world and come back with new stories to tell , new books to share , and usually a bride or groom . But we all come home . Even Miss Gracie came home . See a couple of months after my mom and dad got home from Memphis ; our house was struck by lightening and burnt to the ground . Miss Gracie gave us her home to live in and she went to Colorado to check on her sisters . She packed her a few things on her bike , and gave us everything else she had , including the kids ! We sure missed her . She was gone for two years ! During that time I got a new baby brother , Randal Gavin Cooper , Randy for short . Back to my namesake : the baby girls that Miss Gracie helped Mrs . Montgomery deliver were named : Victoria Grace and Abigail Samantha . Would you believe they ended up having two more boys after that ? Lord , bless them ! Maggie and Tucker took in four of the kids from St . Jude 's and even managed to have four more of their own ! Brooke raised JJ and JP and after just a year , they sent her back to Memphis to find herself a husband ! She agreed to go and wouldn 't you know it , she came back with a really neat guy that was just as awesome at martial arts as Brooke was ! They were a perfect match and JJ and JP welcomed a new baby brother shortly after Brooke married Lance . Did I mention that Gracie came back with a husband also ? Well , I 'll mention it now . She found this guy in Colorado , seems he is ' Rony 's husband 's brother . And since Kevin has come into Miss Gracie 's life , she is even more content and happy than I 've ever seen her . They had a brood of kids of their own , seven to be exact . The youngest was named Sammie Sue … . . I guess that means I have two namesakes . We all are older , wiser , and happier now . A new generation of kids roam freely and unafraid through out our community . And they are welcome at every home . Life is sweet and life is good . Life is worth living . Now I 'm going to close this journal , mostly because I hear many of my grandkids hollering for me . I wish all happiness and peace . Sincerely , respectfully , and peacefully Gracie and Sammie were traveling a well known path that led from her house down to an old creek bed that only flowed in the early spring , but stayed muddy all year long . After carefully crossing it over some rocks put there for that purpose ; they found the small game trail that led to where the best berries grew . The trip to the briar patch took about 45 minutes of careful walking with Gracie making sure that Sammie was also looking at their back trail to keep herself feeling secure that she would know the way home . After checking the berry bushes and seeing that they would indeed give many blackberries in just a couple short weeks and that the blueberry bushes also would be giving a great harvest , they decided to go check on the Montgomery 's . This was a family that rarely came to town . Mrs . Montgomery was pregnant with her seventh child and due in only about a week or so . She had given birth to all her kids at home with her husbands help . They weren 't in town the other day nor did they come to the hoedown , so Gracie thought she should let them know what was going on just in case they didn 't know , especially since they lived off grid and had no TV or radio . Gracie thought for just a moment and then said to Sammie " ok , here 's the plan . We don 't know what is wrong , so you have to stay here and be my best hope . I 'm going to leave my bag here and only take the radio and my knife . I 'm going to sneak up to the house and then see if I can find any danger . You just leave your radio on and listen , do not answer the radio or talk into it unless I say ' sugar and spice and everything nice ' . So no matter what else I may say , if I don 't say that , don 't answer , ok ? " With a quick hug and kiss and a slight push to go hide , Sammie scampered off and hid herself under a fallen tree with both the packs . Two of the kids went with her , Spice and the General , the oldest of the Sheppard 's . The other two Sheppard 's were alert at Gracie 's ' side . As soon as Sammie was out of sight , Gracie began to edge forward towards the house . She could still hear screaming going on , and as she got closer , she could hear arguing and children crying . She almost tripped over one of the families beloved dogs . He was dead . It was a gruesome sight . Someone had taken a knife to him . He looked like he had been dead for at least a day . Max and Georgia softly growled deep in their throats . But the sound didn 't carry over the cries coming from the house . Now Gracie was totally ticked off . No one should treat an animal like that . They made it to the back porch without anyone in the house knowing they were there . With a quick hand signal , the two dogs slipped into the back door that Gracie had slowly opened . She was careful to have her knife ready . Now that she was in the house , she could hear the argument . " Let me go to her , she is in labor and needs help . She isn 't due for another week and the baby may not be turned right . My God Mike , don 't you have any heart ? " yelled a man that Gracie quickly recognized as Frank Montgomery . Then she heard a voice that chilled her to the bone . " I don 't give a damn if she lives or dies ! And you better shut your brats up or I 'll start killing them . " shouted Mike Tanner . Gracie was now filled with righteous anger . It seemed to her that Mike Tanner didn 't give her warning enough serious thought . And it seemed that he now was in control of the Montgomery home . Well , not for long ; she thought . Slowly easing around the door way that separated the kitchen from the short hall that lead to the living room and also back to the bedrooms , Gracie peeked around the corner . She could see Max sliding behind Mike who was standing about six feet into the room with his back to her . Max glanced back at Gracie for some sign that he could jump him . Gracie gave the sign for no since she could see a gun in Mike 's hand . It was hard to miss since he was punctuating his words with jabbing motions of the gun . There was no sign of Georgia and so Gracie could only conclude that she went to Mrs . Montgomery side . Gracie placed a finger to her lips as the oldest child ; Frankie Jr . caught sight of her . Then Mike must have sensed something was not right and slowly turned with the gun . Quickly Gracie ducked back but Max sprang and clamped his teeth on Mike 's gun hand . The gun went off and a shot flew threw the doorway and into the wall right where Gracie 's head had been . Whipping around the wall quickly and into the living room Gracie hollered " Release ! " Max instantly released Mike 's wrist that the gun was still in . " I told you I never wanted to see you again , Mike . And I wasn 't kidding . " With those words Gracie threw her knife and it slide through Mike 's ribs and found his heart just like they were butter . The gun slide from his hand and as he looked her in the eye , he dropped to his knees and then fell face forward , driving the knife even deeper . " Is there anyone else here ? " asked Gracie quietly . Gracie apologized to the Montgomery family for them having to see her actions . She retrieved her knife from Mike 's body and quickly cut Frank free . " Mary needs you , she is having a hard labor and I think something may be wrong with the baby , please go to her " he cried . Gracie pulled her radio out of her pocket and said " sugar and spice and everything nice , come to the house Sammie . " She then released the button and said " Sammie is here with me , she is coming to the house , Frank do you think you and Frankie Jr . can move this piece of trash out of here ? I 'll need Susie , Cindy , and Sammie 's help now . You girls come with me . " She looked at the younger kids and said " Will ya ' all start up the stove and start heating some water ? And make sure Sammie brings my bag into your mom 's room ? " All the rest of the kids solemnly nodded their heads and Gracie and the two oldest girls ran to Mary 's room . Georgia sure enough was there and Mary had her head buried in the dog 's soft fur . " Mary , it 's ok . The danger is over and I 'm here to help you . Let 's get you cleaned up and get this baby into the world . " Mary lifted her head and a flood of relief , gratitude and then pain crossed her face . " Girls , will you find a clean gown for your mom and bring me all the clean towels you can find , ok ? " With quick nods of the head Susie ran to the dresser and dug into one of the drawers for a fresh gown . Cindy took off out the door but was back with a minute with a stack of towels that was over her head . " Now will you go wet a couple of the towels for me to use to clean your mom up ? " asked Gracie and Cindy took two towels and went back out the door . " Mary , I need to examine you and see how the baby is sitting . Susie , can you go find some clean sheets so we can get this bed changed ? " Again Susie nodded her head and was out the door and back almost before the question was done being asked . Together the three of them cleaned Mary up and got her into clean sheets and a clean gown . After examining her , Gracie told her the bad news . " Honey , I 'm afraid the baby isn 't turned right and he or she is trying to come into the world wrong way first . I think I can turn the baby , but it won 't feel good . Sammie had come into the room during Susie and Cindy 's running around and spoke up " Miss Gracie , here is your first aid kit , are you going to use the needles ? " Gracie smiled at Sammie and said " yep ; they will help Mrs . Montgomery deal with the pain of having a baby . Thank you Sammie very much for remembering the BOB 's earlier . " Taking a slender tube from the first aid kit , Sammie looked Mary in the eye and said " You and your baby are going to be fine , now let 's get you on your hands and knees . " With Mary on her hands and knees , Gracie was able to reposition the baby by external and internal manipulation and just shy of two hours later , Mary gave birth to a beautiful baby girl . Cindy and Susie both had been taking turns going out for fresh warm water to dunk towels in to use for the birth process and cold water for their wiping their mom 's forehead and anywhere else she wanted a cool cloth . They gently helped Gracie wash their new sister off , cooing over the little one . Mary gave a yelp , and Gracie glanced over . " I think that must be the afterbirth , let 's take care of this . " But with one big push , it was another baby that came out , not the afterbirth . This baby girl didn 't cry like the first and wasn 't breathing . Gracie quickly grabbed a towel and started rubbing the baby quickly and when the slightly rough treatment didn 't seem to be working , gently blew puffs of air into the small baby girl . With a couple of fingers she pushed onto her chest above the heart . Cindy , Susie , Mary , Sammie and Georgia held their breath , daring not to breath . Even the first baby girl seemed to know not to cry and quietly gurgled . Then in a rush , the baby took in a deep breath and let out a howl and brought smiles and tears to the others . Gently the girls helped to clean up this baby too and after they had Mary and the two babies cleaned up and the bed remade again , both Mary and the two babies began to doze on the bed together . " Cindy will you go get your dad ? Susie , would you go make a pot of tea out of this for your Mom ? She won 't sleep for very long right now . " And Gracie handed Susie a small packet of tea from her first aid kit . " Well Sammie , I don 't think we will be making the town meeting today . " " No Miss Gracie , I don 't think so either . " They both looked at each other with dorky grins on their faces , then they gazed at the two adorable babies sleeping so comfortable at their mom 's sides . Frank was dumbfounded with he came in and saw two babies in his wife 's arms . Then he couldn 't help himself , he got a dorky grin on his face too ! Mary opened her eyes as Gracie , Sammie and Georgia slipped from the room to give them some privacy . Frank and Gracie sat at the kitchen table after supper drinking some coffee talking quietly . While Gracie had been in the bedroom helping Mary give birth , Frank and the rest of the kids had kept busy cleaning up the mess in the living room including taking burying Mike 's body ; and now the kids were piled in there with Gracie 's " kid 's " and sleeping also . Gracie got up and told Frank they had better get going if they were going to make it home by dark . With grateful thanks and big hugs , and promises of letting them know what the babies names were going to be ; Gracie , Sammie and the kids set off for home . And when they got to Gracie 's Sam and Sandra were waiting anxiously with open arms that Sammie slid right into . Please leave comments and let me know what you think ! It helps me grow as a writer ! If you don 't want to leave a comment , why not simply click on a ' reaction ' below each chapter ? : ) thanks ! on one of my blogs I will be simply talking about things that catch my eye . This will be a wide variety of topics . on another blog , I will be posting stories that I 've written and links to stories I 've read and enjoyed . And on my other blog , I 'll be talking all about plants . |
WordPress . org Prague I was sitting at the dinner table eating a sandwich . A couple of my cousins where there in the kitchen with me goofing around like we used to do many , many years ago . We were in my grandparent 's old house ; Grandma and Grandpa Stout were sitting in the living room in the two rocking chairs . When I finished eating , my grandma asked me to clean the crumbs off the table . In my little boy mind , it made the most sense to move all the items off the table and take the table cloth outside to shake it out . When I came back inside , my grandma thanked me and asked me to close the kitchen window because she was getting cold . Almost at once , something clicked inside my head and I immediately began to panic . My grandma passed away a couple years ago . I had no idea what was going on anymore . I screamed and ran over to jump into my grandpa 's lap . " Grandma 's not here ! Grandma 's not here ! Grandpa , help me ! " I yelled . My grandpa , with his arm around me , he looked down at me and said , " Wake up , son . " I woke up this morning with a big , violent shake , literally gasping for air . It was the first dream like that I 've ever had , so I quickly went over to grab something to write it down . It felt so real . I was in Prague in my hotel room and breakfast was being prepared in the little restaurant next door . I tossed on some clothes and my shoes to go outside to find where I could find breakfast . I went around to the back of the hotel and there was a deck with a couple people sitting outside eating . I went inside and saw some meats , cheeses rolls , and cereal along with juice , yogurt , and milk . I took at least one of everything and found a table to sit down to eat . When I got back to my room , I hopped in the shower to get ready for the day . I tried the wifi to contact the people in Prague going to Austria , but it wasn 't working this morning . I asked the lady at the front desk if there was a McDonald 's nearby . She didn 't speak English , so I repeated " McDonald 's " and traced the two , golden arches on the wall . " Ahhh " , she said , and pointed down the street in the direction where I 'd find it . After a fifteen minute walk up the road , I found a McDonald 's in a large shopping mall . I got online and replied . My main point of contact up to that point had been a Chinese girl who organized the event . She gave me the phone number for her boyfriend , Jackie , and said I could message him on WhatsApp . I installed it and messaged him , and he replied almost immediately . He said we could meet up later that night and offered me a place to sleep as well if I needed it . It was time to explore Prague . I was on the outskirts of town so I located the nearest metro station and rode into the city . As I began walking around Prague , it didn 't take long to realize just how beautiful of a city it is . The architecture was just amazing . I crossed a bridge headed for the castle that sat atop a hill . After a short walk and a steep staircase climb , I found myself next to the castle in a large , green lawn that overlooked the city . I continued around the castle and ended up on the back side . This is where I discovered my favorite building in Prague , the St . Vitus Cathedral . The design of the building was amazing . While the entire cathedral was a huge building , it was actually just one end of the cathedral that caught my attention . It was built with an architectural style that I 'd never seen before in person . I had to take tons of pictures . I started walking back down the hill towards a small tower that sat atop another hill near me . In pictures , I noticed this tower resembled the Eiffel Tower to some degree , so I wanted to head over and see it for myself . Nature trails zigzagged all the way to the top of this next hill , and for the most part I was the only one on them . I reached the top and found that I was on the backside of the tower . There , while taking pictures , I kept hearing a huge crowd yelling and cheering . It seemed like an odd place for a huge crowd , so I followed the cheering to see where all the commotion was coming from . There was a wall with an arch over top in the distance . When I reached the arch and saw what was on the other side , I was quite surprised . There sat a huge , temporary arena had been created in a park . " Battle Of The Nations " the sign read . It was a medieval style event set up to simulate battles from the middle ages . All the fighters were wearing armor and their crew wore Renaissance - era clothing . It was an all weekend event . I didn 't pay for a ticket to enter because I there still a lot I wanted to see , but just standing on the outside listening to the battles I could get a sense of what was going on inside . Each round started with horns followed by what sounded like a stampede of wild elephants . The crowd absolutely loved it . Continuing past the battlegrounds , I came across an observatory surrounded with flower gardens . It was the perfect spot to stop and rest for a bit . As I sat there I realized just how much I really liked Prague . When I began down the hill again , I kept seeing signs for something called the " Magic Cavern " . I had no idea what this was , but it didn 't take long to find out . Standing on the side of the path , I came across a woman dressed with in interesting attire . She was advertising the Magic Cavern as she stood in front . As it turned out , the Magic Cavern was actually an art gallery for a French artist , Reon Argondian , whose art pieces looked like they were painted by a man who went swimming in a pool of LSD before he picked up his paintbrush . I had to see what was inside . The entrance served as a sneak peak to what lied ahead . It was a small entry way with a spiral staircase leading both up and down . The woman at the entrance , Zuzanna , suggested starting in the basement first . I descended the stairs , passing paintings for each sign of the zodiac . When I got downstairs , I was transported into a crazy hallucination - inspired world . Most every square inch of wall space was taken up by paintings . Beautiful , half naked blue and green skinned goddesses . Twisting demon dogs . Landscapes that only existed in dreams . Some paintings portrayed no recognizable elements , though they still served to demonstrate just how crazy this fantasy world was . Slow , melodic music with a female singer played throughout the cavern from hidden speakers . Sangria and was sat on a table available for all gallery guests . So many of the paintings made me wish I could climb through the canvas to experience this wild world firsthand . I made my way back up the stairs , stopping to chat again with Zuzanna on my way up to explore the attic . Upstairs felt less like a cave but still contained just as many paintings on the walls . Taking photos was allowed and encouraged . In the end , I think I photographed almost every single piece of art in the place . It was around 5 : 30PM when I finally made it back down the hill into town . I decided to stop at a McDonald 's to message Jackie . He asked me if I could be at his place by 7PM because he had to run some errands later that night . Luckily I found a metro route connecting to a bus route that got me there just in time . After arriving , my instructions were to cross the street from the bus stop , head around to the back of the apartment building there , and look for Jackie 's name on the buzzer next to the door . Just as I rounded the corner to the back of the apartments , I heard my name . It was Jackie . I introduced myself and went upstairs to his apartment . He showed me the guest bedroom where I 'd be sleeping . He said he had some extra time before he needed to leave tonight and suggested we go grab something at the grocery store . I got just enough stuff to make a couple of sandwiches that night and some donuts for the next day . We went back to Jackie 's house and ate before he needed to leave ; he was taking his cats to his parent 's house for the weekend while we were going to be gone . He said I could stay at his place if I wanted , but I had him drop me off at the nearest bar instead . I ordered a beer . " 10 or 12 ? " the bartender asked . I had absolutely no idea what this meant but chose the bigger number . I found a seat as far from all the smokers as I could and took a sip . A German bartender once told me there was one country that made better beer than Germany : the Czech Republic . I was not let down . This beer was so smooth , it felt as if it flowed into my mouth faster than I was pouring it . As if the liquid was fighting its way to be in my stomach . I was happy . After a couple of beers , Jackie messaged me to find out if I was still at the bar . He met me there where we had one more beer before heading back to his house . We talked for a short while about the trip the next day . We had quite a drive ahead of us , but what we had planned would make it all worth it . Posted on May 7May 29Categories Journal4 Comments on Prague Germany I woke up in Lucern , Switzerland , and to my surprise there it was not raining . While not blue skies , it was nice enough to go exploring . I found a Blablacar ride in Basel , Switzerland , leaving later in the day which gave me some extra time to explore Lucern before I had to leave . It was a 45 minute walk from the hostel to the train station . It was only after this walk that I realized I had left my jacket behind . With only a few hours to explore before I had to catch a train , I decided to hop on a bus back to the hostel . My jacket was waiting for me in the lost and found . Another bus ride back to the train station got me back to where I wanted to be but I had lost an hour . I didn 't get to see as much as I wanted to in Lucern , but I kept reminding myself that it was going to rain that night . There was no way I could stay another night when it meant most of the time would be sitting around inside . I walked around , seeing some of the main sites before heading back to the train station . It didn 't start to rain until just before I reached Basel . I arrived at the station and just as I got off the train , I realized I had left my hat , sunglasses , and water bottle back on board . I had plenty of time to go back and grab them all , but I 'm not sure where was head was today . There was a bus sitting out front of the train station that I knew would get me to the airport , the pickup point for my Blablacar ride . I still had just over an hour to kill when I arrived and a pocket full of change that was only good in Switzerland , so I went inside and bought a bacon and tomato sandwich and a banana . Ten minutes before my scheduled pickup time , I went outside and waited . Standing next to me was another backpacker . " Are you waiting for a Blablacar ride ? " I asked . He was . We talked for the next ten minutes while waiting for our ride . He was a Swiss guy with a Tibetan name , Dorji , who had just finished backpacking across France and Spain for the last 3 months . He went on a hike known by the locals as " Camino de Santiago " . Americans call it the " French Way " . He had nothing but the best things to say about the experience and said of all the traveling he 's ever done , this was his favorite . Now he was heading to Vietnam . It was nice to meet someone who was backpacking like me . Dorji received a phone call from our driver , Sanaz , as we waited . By coincidence , it was the same Sanaz he had met years prior ; Sanaz was Dorji 's sister 's roommate for a year . Sanaz was waiting inside the airport in line to get a rental car so we went inside to meet her . There we met her friend Sabina , got the car , and took off . This has been my favorite Blablacar ride yet . Since Sanaz and Sabina were friends , Sanaz and Dorji already knew each other , and Dorji and I talked for quite awhile before meeting with the girls , the entire ride felt like a road trip with friends . No one was in a hurry , so we even stopped half way to Frankfurt for awhile to have coffee and snacks . When we arrived , Sanaz showed us around the city . She was so excited to be there ; it was one of her favorite cities in Germany . She told us about some clubs and bars , one of which was supposed to be a metal music bar . The girls had plans of shopping and dancing that night , so they left us in downtown Frankfurt . Dorji 's flight to Vietnam wasn 't until the next morning , so him and I booked a hostel and decided to go out that night . We dropped off our things at the hostel and set out to find something to eat . We were both looking for something cheap . Kebab was becoming a theme for this trip ; anytime I didn 't care what I ate and just wanted to save money , kebab was the answer . Dorji agreed , so we wandered around Frankfurt in search . After half an hour , we still hadn 't found anything so we began asking the locals . No one seemed to know for sure , but they all had guesses . After another hour of following guesses and wandering about , we still hadn 't found anything . I didn 't care . I was having a good time hanging out with a fellow backpacker who spoke both German and English . We finally stopped and asked someone who had a sandwich in his hand . Obviously this guy knew where to find food . He pointed us in the right direction and told us we 'd find plenty to eat there . He was right . There were several cheap restaurants on both sides of the street in this neighborhood . In the end , we both decided on a cheap Chinese restaurant . For less than five euros , we each ended up with as much chicken fried rice as you could possibly pile on a plate . I barely finished half of mine , but somehow that crazy Swiss ate the whole damn thing . Now , barely able to walk , we set off for a bar Sanaz had told us about called " The Cave " . It was supposed to be a metal bar , and that 's all I wanted to do that night was hang out with a bunch of German metal heads . Earlier in the night , Dorji and I found the bar on our quest to find food so we knew exactly how to get there . In the beginning , there actually weren 't many people . A few very young girls were dancing on the dance floor . I was suprised that they would let such seemingly young people in a place like this . Dorji ordered the first round , and we sat around the bar talking for awhile . The music started off with pop punk bands from the early 90 's , all American bands and most of it was stuff I recognized . As the bar began to fill , the music got more and more aggressive until they actually threw in a few metal songs every now and then . At one point , Dorji and I met a crazy German guy named Andrei . Round after round , we danced around on the dance floor for hours . It was at least 4AM and the bar showed no signs of closing anytime soon . At this point , Andrei and Dorji were completely hammered . Just as I was getting ready to leave , I met a girl named Nicola . We talked for awhile before I left and decided to meet up for coffee the next day . I left Dorji at the bar . He asked me to make sure he didn 't miss his flight in the morning . I told him I wouldn 't as long as he made it back to the hostel that night . I walked back to hostel just before the sun came up . I wouldn 't be getting much sleep that night , but it was totally worth it . Apparently today 's lesson was that not all days are going to to be full of excitement . Today was exactly the opposite , in fact . I was feeling unmotivated and wandering around outside in the rain was the the last thing I wanted to do . I lay around the hostel for most of the day . I wrote . I wandered around the hostel . I ventured out into the rain to get something to eat ( more kebab ) . I finally got around to watching that James Bond movie that took place in Switzerland . In the end , James Bond sleeps with two different women two nights in a row . The next night , he just happens to run into his British girlfriend on an ice skating rink as he 's escaping from the bad guys . That night , he proposes to her . Charming . I wanted to take a nap but I couldn 't sleep . I grew restless and played games on my phone . I was killing time until it was late enough that I 'd feel OK about eating again even though I wasn 't all that hungry . I ventured out into the rain again , this time eating at another restaurant next to the kebab place . It was labeled as a " family restaurant " and had several different types of food from all over the world . When the server learned I was from America though , he insisted I had their signature burger , " The Atlantic " . I must admit , it was pretty good . That night I checked the weather reports for other cities in Switzerland . Zurich … rain . Bern … rain . The forecast for pretty much every city in Switzerland called for rain not just the next day , but for the next 7 - 10 days . I checked the radar and the entire country was covered in rain clouds . As much as I loved the picturesque countryside of Switzerland , seeing it in the rain just wasn 't an option . I had to find somewhere in Europe that wasn 't raining . The southern border of Germany was still covered in rain clouds according to the radar ; the first major city with clear skies was Frankfurt . Posted on May 1May 11Categories JournalLeave a comment on Lucern In The Rain Ride To Lucern There was no part of me that wanted to leave Lauterbrunnen , but the weather reports were finally starting to be right . It was raining when I woke up and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon . The reports predicted rain for at least the next ten days . Today was going to be a moving day . So far , it seems like I have two different types of days . There are moving days , where I spend most of my time looking for wifi networks in order to find rides on Blablacar or trains ( very time consuming ) , booking a place to stay in the next city I travel to , walking to a train station or another place to meet a driver , and then riding to another city . By the time I usually arrive at the next city it 's early evening , leaving me little time to explore . Moving days are followed by exploring days , where I stay in a town and spend the next day or two walking around and exploring the area . This has worked well so far . I 'm not sure how other backpackers do it , but I 'd love to find a way to cut down on the time I spend looking for rides and spend more time exploring new places . Occasionally I 'll book a room for two nights , giving me an entire day to explore , knowing that I have a place to leave my bag all day and a place to sleep that night . I booked two nights in a hostel in Lucern , Switzerland , without checking the weather first . Looking back at it , this turned out to be a mistake . I 'll certainly be paying much closer attention to the weather in the future . I didn 't have any luck finding Blablacar rides in Switzerland , so I walked down to the train station in Lauterbrunnen and took the next train to Lucern . It rained on and off for the entire ride . It wasn 't raining when I arrived in Lucern , so the walk to the hostel was nice . It was late and I was hungry . Considering how expensive everything Switzerland is , I decided to look for something cheap . The girl at the front desk told me about a kebab place just up the street . The prices were still more than twice the kebab place in Italy , but I knew I wouldn 't be able to find anything cheaper . I ate and walked back to the hostel . At this point , it started raining heavily , and I spent the rest of the night hanging out inside . It was a nice place with a big common area and even a game room , but no one was down there . I checked weather reports and realized it was definitely going to rain all day tomorrow . I shouldn 't have booked two nights in Lucern . Posted on April 30May 11Categories JournalLeave a comment on Ride To Lucern Can 't Get Enough Of Lauterbrunnen Today I planned to spend the whole day relaxing and taking it easy . The weather was supposed to be rainy so I decided I 'd stay indoors most the day and catch up on some reading and writing . However , I woke up to another beautiful day in Lauterbrunnen . I knew I 'd feel terrible if I let it go to waste . I did spend the morning doing some writing and was still in a mindset of laziness , but eventually I grew hungry enough to venture into town . There was another restaurant in town that received great feedback online so I really wanted to try it out . The meal was quite small , especially for the price . So I had a look at the dessert menu afterwards . I 'm glad I did ; the Swiss ice cream I had made the whole trip to this restaurant worth it ! Caramel and butter pecan Swiss ice cream I was still feeling lazy as I sat there in the restaurant finishing my ice cream . I thought about going back to the hotel . I paid my bill and walked out , but as soon as I got outside and looked around me , I wanted to go on another hike . I walked back to the same cable car I rode up yesterday , but this time I hopped on the train at the top . I rode the train halfway down the same trail as the day before with the intent to walk back to the cable car I rode up in and ride it back down to Lauterbrunnen . This hike was an entirely new experience compared to the day before . By this point in the day , much of the snow had melted around me . Without the clouds , I could see for miles and miles to the surrounding mountains and villages below . I hiked , enjoyed the view , and took a few pictures along the way . By late afternoon , I had made it back to the cable car . The rest of the day , I relaxed at the hotel and took care of some things I had been putting off . I washed laundry . I phoned home and ordered an International cell phone so I didn 't have to keep relying on wifi everywhere . I downloaded a James Bond movie . There were advertisements all over town for it . Apparently it was filmed there back in the 70 's . I didn 't watch it . Posted on April 29May 11Categories JournalLeave a comment on Can 't Get Enough Of Lauterbrunnen A Winter Hike In April The weather was nothing like the today before . Today , clouds had rolled in and sat just on top of the cliffs around Lauterbrunnen creating a puffy ceiling above . Weather reports showed no indication that it was going to change today , but there was no way I was staying indoors . I threw on the warmest clothes I had and set out . Near the train station in Lauterbrunnen was a cable car to the top of the cliffs . I had a map of the hiking trails above and was ready to explore the cliff tops . What I wasn 't ready for was the amazing atmosphere created by the clouds and snow . As the cable car neared the cliff tops , I slowly ascended into an eerie fog . Here , visibility was reduced to around 40 yards . The silent cable car began to hum as silhouettes of evergreens passed in the distance . The cable car came to a stop at a small train station above . I hadn 't had breakfast yet , so I bought a bag of trail mix at a vending machine and started down the trail . In half a minute , the train station disappeared behind me . The whole hike was an incredible experience . I couldn 't see anything past the distance I could throw a rock . While the trail was well kept and mostly free of snow , the mountainside around me was covered in it . It felt like winter and , without even thinking about it , I found myself whistling ' Winter Wonderland ' . As I walked along , I could hear waterfalls but of course could see nothing . After a couple of hours , I reached a small mountain village . I knew I was getting close to the cable car that would take me to the bottom . As I continued to hike , the trail took me downhill until I was out of the clouds and I could start seeing more around me . There were a several farms around me now along the way with sheep , horses , or cows . One farm had a " self service " sign selling cheese . I was curious and had to take a look . The sign pointed to a back door . I opened it and took a peak inside of the house where a refrigerator sat . The refrigerator was empty . I guess it wasn 't cheese season . Passing through one last mountain village brought me to the last cable car station . This time , instead of hovering just above the ground like the last cable car , this one moved hundreds of feet off the ground out away from the cliffs as it descended . It was actually quite scary looking down and seeing how high I was . The station at the bottom had a little nature room highlighting some of the animals found it the area so I popped in to have a look around . Having hiked a few hours on the cliff - tops , I was now quite a ways from Lauterbrunnen and decided to take the bus back . That night I walked to a restaurant downtown . I ordered a traditional Swiss dish of lamb sausage with rosti . Quite good . On my walk back to the hotel , I decided against going out that night . With all the hiking I did that day , I was worn out and got a good night 's sleep . Posted on April 28May 11Categories JournalLeave a comment on A Winter Hike In April Lauterbrunnen The Swiss village was Lauterbrunnen . I had seen pictures and knew it was going to be a beautiful introduction to Switzerland . What I didn 't know was the profound and long lasting effect it would have on me . It was still raining when I awoke at the hostel but the weather reports predicted a short break in the rain around 10 or 11AM . This would be the perfect time to head out . With my new iPhone app , I had my course plotted to Lauterbrunnen with ease . Buying the tickets was not as easy . I arrived at the train station with what I thought would be plenty of time . Unfortunately the automatic ticket machine wouldn 't allow me to buy tickets to Lauterbrunnen or even anywhere near it . No problem , I thought , I 'd just ask the help desk for a ticket and be on my way . The wait at the help desk was over an hour long . Luckily they used a queue system so I grabbed a number and went back into the train station to have breakfast . The tickets were expensive , especially compared to the cheap BlaBlaCar rides I had been taking , but the trains were extremely nice . Even in second class , my seats in the three trains I rode in to arrive in Lauterbrunnen were better than any I 'd ever had on an airline in the past . Most of the train ride to Switzerland was rainy but I didn 't care . I was happy to be heading to another country . Halfway on the ride , as I was switching trains , I met a couple from " the Hawaii of the east coast " as Mark put it . Mark and Susan were from New Jersey and were a very nice couple visiting Susan 's family in Switzerland . We talked for rest of the train ride . They even shared some food with me and were excited to hear about my trip . Once again , it was nice to be able to have a conversation with someone of the same language , and it made the time fly by . Just as soon as we crossed into Switzerland , someone came around to check our tickets . Not once did anyone ever check my tickets while I was in Italy . Then came a crew of police with what I imagine were drug sniffing dogs . I wasn 't in Italy anymore . There was a long tunnel just before we arrived at Brig . We were all thrilled to see sunny skies on the other side . At Brig , Mark and Susan were taking a different train so we said our goodbyes . Susan was so nice she even hugged me goodbye ; she said it was the mother in her . This next train was a double decker and was just as nice as the others . I decided to sit on the top and luckily sat on the side with the best view . I stared out the window the entire time and couldn 't believe just how beautiful this country was . Somehow in Switzerland , the grass is greener , the clouds are whiter , and the skies are bluer . The water was a perfect greenish blue ; it almost looked fake . Everything just seemed to be so much nicer here . I was amazed at the scenery on the way to Lauterbrunnen , but when I arrived there , I can no longer accurately describe the experience . A heavy wave of emotions poured over me as a climbed out of the train and gazed at my surroundings . I was now standing in a small Swiss village sandwiched between two enormous cliffs . Scattered across the cliffs here waterfalls on both sides . The temperate could not have been a single degree nicer and there were just enough clouds to make the sky interesting . It was just so mindblowingly beautiful , and I walked to my hotel in complete awe . I arrived at the hotel after short walk down the main village road . There was a large group of people sitting out front of the hotel drinking and hanging out . I must 've picked a good spot . I walked inside and there were Swiss chocolates on the counter available for all the guests . A girl named Sonya helped get me checked in and showed me around . I was staying in a dormatory style building with 14 beds on the upper floor and a kitchen , washing machines , and showers on the first . Though the building had 14 beds , I was the only one staying in the entire building . I dropped off my stuff and went back out to have a couple beers with the group . I found out most of them were Australians , and all of them were part of a " Top Deck " tour of Europe . After a couple hours , the group left to go eat dinner . It was growing dark so I went back to my room to unwind . I lay around for a while in disbelief that this entire floor was mine . I phoned home and talked with my mom about Lauterbrunnen and arranged having some things mailed to me . I searched online for things to do the next day . I played music and relaxed . My excitement must have kept me awake because I was normally asleep by 11 : 30PM . This time I was awake and I was hungry . During my tour of the hotel , Sonya had mentioned that one place to grab a bite to eat late at night was the local pub . I decided to check it out . By then , the weather had changed to a light mist so I tossed on my jacket and headed in to town . The pub was still open . When I walked in , a few locals sat at one end of the bar having a few beers while In Flames played on the jukebox in the background . Awesome . The bartender mentioned that at this point they were only serving snacks and slide a small menu down the bar towards me . I was happy to see a cheeseburger and fries on the snack menu . I ordered this with a beer and sat down at the bar . The first sip of my beer reminded me I wasn 't in Kansas anymore . It was a Feldschosschen Amber beer on tap and was amazing . The cheeseburger came shortly after piled with tons of Swiss cheese : not too bad for the ' snack ' menu . As I ate , the locals began to leave until it was just me and the bartender . I learned her name was Bernadette , an Irish woman with a husband who loved to base jump , which is what brought them here several years ago . We talked for quite awhile until I finished my beer . There was still half an hour before they closed , but I was ready to head back to the hotel . That 's when in walked a group of travels from another tour group . This time , none of them were from the same country . Mexico , Canada , Turkey , Dubai , South Africa , and the one language they all spoke : English . They were a great group of folks and I decided to stick around with them to have another beer . They told me about their trip so far and how they all came to meet . One thing I realized is how close everyone on these guided tour groups seems to be . Both this group and the Top Deck group from earlier that day had only known each other for four days . If I didn 't know this , I would have guessed they were all old friends . The pub closed and the group left . There were two girls from the Top Deck group at the pub that I walked back to the hotel with . When I got back , I checked the weather before finally going to bed . The rainy , misty weather was supposed to continue into the next day but I didn 't care . This place was amazing . Posted on April 27May 11Categories Journal2 Comments on Lauterbrunnen Milan One More Time The last time I was in Milan , I saw signs that a new exhibit about Leonardo da Vinci was opening up at the Royal Palace . The opening day was well after I planned on leaving and I was pretty bummed . After all , Leonardo was an artist I had always admired , especially all his crazy drawings of the mechanics and inner workings of machines . I 've always thought about getting tattoos inspired by his work . I was back near Milan again and this time I wasn 't going to miss my chance to see this exhibit . I woke early and found a place in Milan to sleep that night . Then I looked for apps on my phone that would make it easier to navigate the trains in Europe . Finding this app has helped considerably ever since . I took a hot shower and , after enjoying a nice breakfast provided by the hotel , left for the train station . By this point , I was feeling quite confident about getting around in Italy . I couldn 't help but notice on the train ride that morning how much this part of Italy reminded me of Kansas . As I neared Milan , rain drops appeared on the train windows . Just my luck . I arrived at the station in Milan and went down to the lower levels into the metro station to catch my ride to the hostel . The only time I was in the rain was the short walk from the metro station to the hostel . I checked in , found my room , and decided that a little rain wasn 't going to stop me from seeing the exhibit tonight . I hopped back on the metro and headed towards the Milan Cathedral . This time the scene around the Cathedral had radically changed . Of course it was raining but besides that , a huge stage with enormous sound equipment had been set up directly in front of the cathedral . The Milan Expo would be starting soon so I could only assume it had something to do with that . The Royal Palace was on the other side of the stage and soon I found myself standing in line for the Leonardo da Vinci exhibit . I spent hours and hours walking around looking through his artwork , so much time that my legs were hurting from standing and staring at his artwork by the time I was finished . The entire time I kept wondering ' what was going on in your mind while you were creating this ' . Needless to say the artwork was absolutely amazing . It was my first museum visit on the trip and it was worth every minute . By the time I got out of there , it was night . Back at the hostel I asked the receptionist where she liked to eat . She told me that her and her daughter actually ate at a little kebab shop just down the street . I had seen kebab shops all over Italy everywhere I went and decided that I had better try it . I took the metro to one stop past my hostel and had no problem finding the little restaurant . This was the cheapest and one of the best meals I had during my whole time in Italy ! I was so nice to have a break from all that pizza and pasta . I went to bed excited knowing the next day I was was finally heading to a new and beautiful country , Switzerland . My buddy , Tyler , back in California had told me about a little village in the Swiss alps he said he 'd love to visit some day . I decided it would be my first stop . Posted on April 26May 1Categories Journal2 Comments on Milan One More Time The Five Lands Last night 's sleep in the hammock was nice . I only woke up once in the middle of the night around 4 : 30AM which was typical for me anyway . I lay there for awhile and kept hearing noises around me I couldn 't identify . At first , I thought it was an animal walking around and crunching branches beneath its feet . The weird thing is that I 'd only heard the noises for a couple seconds and then it would be silent for seven or ten minutes before I 'd hear it again . I decided there wasn 't any way this was an animal ; I 'd hear then walking around for awhile , I thought . I convinced myself it was probably twigs and branches falling from trees around me caused by the wind . At any rate , I was able to ignore the sounds long enough to fall back asleep . I awoke around 8 : 30AM and started packing my hammock , sleeping bag , and air mattress back into my backpack . It was neat seeing the place I picked in the day time after having no idea where I was last night . I walked back down the hill to the train station and hopped on the next train to Monterossa al Mare , one of the five Cinque Terre cities that was farthest from me . My plan was to start there and hike back through each city , ending up back near La Spezia where I could take a train to Milan to see the Leonardo da Vinci museum the next day . Monterossa al Mare was a small Italian city nestled into a beautiful landscape of mountains and sea . The hike through each city would take me up through the mountains along the coast of the Mediterranean . Here 's a word of advice , I don 't recommend this hike with a 25 pound backpack . It was brutal , but the view around me more than made up for it . At some point along the trail an old man was selling fruit , and I ended up buying a couple oranges from him . He threw in a lemon along with it , which reminded me of my buddy who told me about Cinque Terre in the first place , Patrick . This man lives off of sour citrus fruit . I ate an orange and tossed the rest in my bag for later . There were a few signs marking how much further the next city was . At some point along the way , I started hearing other hikers mention the trails were closed to the next city . No one seemed to know for sure , but if that was the case , I could always hop on the train and head out . Near the end of the two hour hike from the first city to the next , I met a guy from Chicago . He asked if I 'd snap a picture for him , and we continued to hike to the next city . There we grabbed some lunch and found that the trail to the third city was actually open . We learned that it was the trails to the four and fifth cities that were closed due to mudslides a few years back . We decided to continue on together , but it didn 't take long before I was well behind The backpack was slowing me down but I wasn 't about to quit . I met back up with Chicago near the third city . We stopped near the city center and I checked on my phone to see if there were BlaBlaCar rides to Milan . There weren 't . I also messaged my Italian buddy Davide telling him I 'd be back in the area . He said I was more than welcome to stay with him if I liked . Chicago and I found out that , while the main hiking trails to the next cities were closed , hikers could take the high mountain trails up and around the closed trails . At this point , I decided against it and Chicago and I departed ways . I never did ask the guy his name . I hopped on the train and started my way back to La Spezia . As the train grew closer , I decided that I 'd stay on for one more stop past La Spezia to see if it was the right train bound for Milan . Unfortunately it wasn 't . I needed to go north but the train turned south , so I hopped off at the next train station . This was a mistake . There were no signs or any other indications there at the little train station that gave any clues as to how to get to Milan or anywhere else for that matter . The only cool thing about stopping there was that while the train station obviously wasn 't being used to help people travel on trains , I could hear a drum teacher and his student inside receiving drum lessons . I waited for quite awhile before another train showed up headed in the opposite direction . I didn 't care where it was going . I knew I wasn 't going to get anywhere standing around at a ( mostly ) deserted train station . The train took me back to La Spezia and this time I made sure I got on a train heading to Milan . That wasn 't the only train - related mistake I made that day . The ride back to Milan was a long one , and once there all I wanted to do was get to Luino where I 'd have a place to stay . I checked the signs for the next train to Luino and climbed aboard . The wrong train . This one was heading to Turino , though I had no idea at the time . All the signs said " Turin " , and I simply assumed it was smaller town on the way to Luino . Nope . The train traveled for over two hours before finally reaching Turino . While on the ride I met a family of whatever the French equivalent of rednecks are . The were goofy as hell and while I couldn 't understand a word they were saying , that didn 't stop them from trying to interact with me . It certainly helped the long ride to Turino go by quicker . I realized my mistake just before arriving at the Turino train station . It was around the same time I would have been arriving at Luino , but I was nowhere near it . I was hours away and wasn 't about to take anymore trains that night so I left the train station and , without a wifi connection , started searching for hotels . There were about five near the station , so I went and asked each one for their cheapest rate . The first place I talked to ended up being the cheapest so I walked back and booked a room . After screwing up my travel plans as bad as I did that day , I was relieved to be staying in such a nice hotel that night . Posted on April 25May 1Categories Journal1 Comment on The Five Lands The Leaning Tower The best part of staying in hostels is the people you meet . I woke up this morning to see a handful of people I met the night before and another guy getting ready for the day . We all discussed our trips so far and were explaining where we were all going . Cinque Terre was next on my list , or so I thought . After talking with them that morning , I decided I 'd stop in Pisa to see the famous Leaning Tower . I absolutely love BlaBlaCar . There 's always several drivers in Italy going anywhere you want to go , and today was no exception . This time , my driver and his passenger were both in the Italian military . The driver was a helicopter pilot and spoke great English so we talked for most of the way to Pisa . He had been to the states before so we talked about the differences between the two countries . As we drove , I couldn 't help but think how much this part of Italy reminded me of Kansas with its lack of hills and farms scattered all about . During the time we weren 't talking , I began thinking about life . One thing I realized is that rarely did I ever have deep and meaningful conversations with the people in my life . The BlaBlaCar driver asked several questions that really made me wonder where I stood when it came to certain aspects of my life . The truth is , I hadn 't ever thought about many of these things before . By the time the ride was over , I felt like I needed to make stronger connections with people , not only to get to know them better but to get to know myself . The driver dropped me off at the train station in Pisa . This seemed to be a common theme for all BlaBlaCar drivers . I guess it makes sense ; most people are probably just using BlaBlaCar for one leg of their journey . Before being dropped off , I could see the Leaning Tower in the distance . It was now hiding behind the buildings around me but I knew which way to start walking . Pisa is not a very big city , especially when comparing it to the cities I had visited so far , and it didn 't take me any time at all to reach the famous tower . I took several pictures , but like the hostel buddies had told me that morning , there wasn 't much more to see in Pisa . I thought about making my way up to Lucca , a city still surrounded by it 's anxient city wall . Considering how much time I had left in the day , I decided to make my way up to La Spezia instead . La Spezia was just outside of Cinque Terre and I knew staying there that night would make it much easier to make my way to the five cities in the morning . For the first time , there were no BlaBlaCar drivers heading that way . I 'd have to do things to old fashioned way … train . I walked back to the train station and headed hopped on the next train heading to La Spezia . Earlier , I had decided that I would stay in my hammock that night . I got off at the train station just before La Spezia and while it was already dark out , I decided I was still going to try it out . I started walking towards the hills from the train station and down the city roads for at least half an hour . I still wasn 't completely out of the city , but I was close enough . There , just off the road and as far away as I could be from the surrounding houses , I trekked out into the woods . I actually stayed in my hammock several nights in Kansas while preparing for my trip just to make sure I knew what it would take to set it up and what it would be like to sleep in it . I 'm very glad I did . It took me a short while to find the perfect place to set it up ; the only light source I had was my flashlight , but I was able to get it hung without any problems . I climbed into my hammock that night with a huge , goofy grin on my face . Other than the occasional unidentifiable rustling in the distance , it was completely silent . I lay there staring up at the stars for awhile before I finally drifted of to sleep . |
I am a writer and an editor . I write comic and serious children 's fiction and edit the arts pages of the local newspaper group The Herald . I am useless at housework but love books and the theatre and I have three children and an unfeasibly large number of cats . Oh , and one of my best friends is a dodo . Breaking out Grandad - Ben 's Tale Silence . Then : " What do you mean he 's not there ? Are you sure ? " More silence . " He must have gone to get something , milk maybe . … " Missing ? Are you sure he hasn 't put them somewhere funny ? In a different cupboard maybe . " Yes . I did . I didn 't much like Andrea because of the way she bossed Grandad , but she didn 't get in flaps . Besides which , Grandad had a paper delivered - I used to deliver it myself when I had a paper round - and there was plenty of milk in the fridge when I was there yesterday . " Stop standing there gawping at me and get to school ! " Mum snapped . Then she came over and did something odd . She gave me a hug . We hadn 't hugged in about three years . She shook her head . " Hurry to school now . " She turned and almost ran out of the house and into the car . Moments later she roared off down the street . I followed on my bike . " And that nice throw is missing , " added Chin Woman . " The green and brown one from the chair by the French windows . And a tin of soup I was going to give him for lunch today . " Down the garden Grandad had obviously been doing a bit more digging . The hole was about three feet deep now and longer than it was wide . I shuddered . It reminded me of a grave . And should he be digging at his age ? Supposing he had overdone it and had a heart attack , or felt ill and stumbled into the lane where he had collapsed . I could hear birdsong but no other sign of animal life . I moved on towards the clearing where we had once made camp and where we had picked the mushrooms . But the clearing lay undisturbed . Perhaps I was wrong and Grandad was actually at the shop . After all , I was usually at school at this time of day so I didn 't know his morning routine . At the far side of the wood was a field where Gran , Grandad and I had had picnics that summer I had stayed , and I decided to walk through , just to check he wasn 't there . I wandered on , still taking care to keep quiet , until I came to a dense thicket of bushes which forced me to walk around them . On the other side was another small clearing which looked familiar . It was surrounded by the bushes on two sides and ash and oak trees on the other two . At the far end was the stump of a huge oak which must have come down years before and created the clearing . I remembered Grandad pointing out the badger set under the stump . I had been fascinated and had sat and watched the stump for what had seemed like hours in case a black and white face appeared . I didn 't stop to wonder about the badgers now though for in front of it , wrapped in a green and brown blanket , sat Grandad . He had made a little fire and had balanced a saucepan on it . I stood still , watching . He had not yet seen me and was absorbed in the task of stirring whatever was in the saucepan . I edged nearer and heard a shriek : He wasn 't badly hurt but we had to take him to hospital for a check - up . Mum tried to send me off to school but I convinced her that I could revise where I was so I spent several hours in Accident and Emergency , stranded on a hard plastic chair , staring at a biology text book and trying to remember the different parts of the human respiratory system , while all the time glancing over at Grandad whom lay in bed alternately dozing and then demanding what was going on . I couldn 't tell him . I didn 't know myself and I hoped someone would come up with an answer . Mum was quick to come up with questions and a whole load of ideas about what was wrong with her father . Chin Woman , who had come with us ( against my wishes ) did not help when she spilled the beans about all the odd things he had been doing . I couldn 't see that they were that odd ; well , not if you looked at them individually . But put things like hoarding food in his bedroom together with all the other things - including Mrs Stuck - Up - Nose 's gossipy opinions as we were leaving for the hospital ( " I 've been worried for months now - all that digging and telling me that walls have ears " ) - and I was more bothered than I was about to say . I was pleased to see the plaster on her stuck - up nose though . " An assessment of what ? " said an accusing voice . We all swung round . Grandad was standing there , glaring at us . " What am I doing here ? " " Grandad , you slipped and bashed your head . " I grasped his arm and he started to push me off and then checked himself . " I think you may have a bit of concussion , " I added . " Oh . " He seemed to deflate . " Really . Well , I never . I don 't remember a thing about it . Perhaps that is the concussion . But my head is a bit sore . " He touched the back of his scalp then looked at his fingers . " No blood though ! " He smiled brightly . In fact , it all went downhill from there . They decided to keep Grandad in hospital for a night and then swung into meetings with doctors , a psychiatric team , social services , the man who put the bins out … well , why not ? Everyone else seemed to have a say , everyone except me , Molly and Grandad . " They don 't know anything , " I snapped at her and then regretted it . It wasn 't her fault . I got up from the sofa and stretched . " But I 've come miles to see him , " I said , which was partly true . I had come about three miles . And it was raining again . " I 'm afraid it 's not possible . The elderly patients here are settled for the night . You will have to go and come back tomorrow during visiting hours . " " But , please , just for one minute ! " I begged at which point a voice roared " David ! David ! Is that you ? " It was Grandad . The nurse leapt up , banging her knee on the desk as she did so . She shot me a ' don 't you dare say anything ' look and limped off down the ward . I followed . He was sitting up in bed , looking angry but otherwise healthy enough . I pushed some clothes aside and sat on the chair next to the bed . He grabbed my hand . Confusion flashed across his face . " Ben , " he repeated . " Ben . Of course . Sorry old boy , but you look like David . He must be , oh … I know , your uncle , isn 't he ? I must be going daft . " The grip on my hand tightened . " Is that why I 'm here ? Am I going daft ? Have they put me away somewhere because I 'm losing my mind ? " I squeezed his hand . " No , of course not Grandad . You slipped and bumped your head today and they want to check you for concussion and stuff . It 's just , er , routine . " I started to stand up but Grandad tugged hard at my hand . " Don 't go Ben , don 't go . You must get me out of here ! " I had to prise Grandad 's fingers off my hand . I promised him over and over that I would be back but I could still hear him shouting as I left the ward . I wept all the way home . " Let me do the grass . " I thought of how frail he had looked last night and , though he seemed bright enough now , I realised how small he was too . Had he shrunk ? Had I grown ? Had I only just realised ? " Thank you . Just put the grass in the wheelbarrow and bring it round to the compost heap . I 'll get the kettle on . " He turned and walked towards the house , or rather he shuffled . I hadn 't noticed before how much he shuffled . " So ? " I drew myself up to my full height and glared down at her . " It 's his garden . " I spotted the source of the growling . Her dog was snuffling round her ankles . " No . But he was out first thing this morning . It 's not right . " She lowered her voice and gave a thin , unconvincing smile . " I 'm worried about him . " I took a deep breath . I was going to have to stand up against her . " I think he has the right to be digging in his own garden at whatever time he wants to , " I said , and bent to pick up the barrow again . Back in the house Grandad had made tea and he seemed so normal that I decided not to worry . He had suffered no apparent ill - effects from his adventures the previous night and there was nothing to show for it . Even the wet clothes that he had left on the bathroom floor had been cleared away . Chin Woman had obviously been and there were no nasty smells in the kitchen . The milk in my tea was still fresh . There was a knock at the front door . Grandad looked startled and a look crossed his face , like the shadow of a bird in front of the sun . He got up and backed away towards the back door . " I 've brought this round for him . " She plunged deep into the shoulder bag and extracted a huge , round biscuit tin . She held it out but I was staring at the bag which hadn 't apparently lessened in size , despite the girth of the tin . I wondered what else it held and if it was one of those Mary Poppins - style bags which could contain everything and remain the same size . Perhaps Charlotte would suddenly fly off , holding an umbrella . Perhaps she was a witch and that is how she turned up everywhere I went . I refocused . " Thank you . " I took the tin , which was heavy , and stared at it , looking inspiration about what to say next . In the end I said the first thing that came into my stupid head . " Come in and see him . " Unfortunately Mrs Stuck - Up - Nose 's dog was at my heels too . As soon as I was out of the gate it was in the lane , yapping and snarling , though it was so small that its snarl was more of a squeak . I decided to ignore it and plunged into the undergrowth , hoping it would just go away . It didn 't but snapped at me when I climbed onto a log for a better view . And I didn 't mean to kick it , honestly , but I lost my balance and when trying to regain it , my legs flailed out and I caught the dog a glancing blow on the muzzle . It fell back whimpering , Mrs Stuck - Up - Nose hove into view and I came crashing down on my back in a holly bush . " How incredibly rude ! She , " Mrs Stuck - Up - Nose emphasised the pronoun , " is a dog and an injured one . I shall to ring the vet and send the bill to you ! " " It was an accident Mrs Snelling , " said Charlotte . Mrs Stuck - Up - Nose glared at her but at that moment Peggy - Sue nipped her on the nose and she dropped her hurriedly and flounced of with as much dignity as a woman with a nipped nose can muster . Peggy - Sue scampered after her . " Of course , that would explain it . I was getting confused . It 's not yet mushroom season . Shame , Bess , that 's my wife , makes the best mushroom soup . " That was true . She did . Once . I hoped it was just a slip of the tongue , a slip of the tenses . Charlotte hadn 't seemed to notice , or perhaps she didn 't know Gran was dead . " We 'll have to have plain omelettes , or cheese . I didn 't know Ben was calling in for tea you see , though I 'm delighted , " Grandad said . " Will you have some Miss er , Miss . . " " That 's not her job . That 's mine . " I was surprised to find how protective of him I felt . Tom was right , she might be useful , but I didn 't want Charlotte worming her way into my life . " Anyway , supposing her has one of his funny moments ? " Ah . Of course , I hadn 't told anyone about them . I didn 't want them knowing . I didn 't even want to know myself that they happened . But they did and they weren 't just a case of him being a bit eccentric . The look on his face when Charlotte had knocked on the door had been fear . Or had he just thought ' I must go and fetch mushrooms for tea ' ? And I still had no idea what he had been doing in the woods the night before , nor why he was digging a hole in the garden . " Are you two alright ? You 're wet through ! " The voice belonged to a tall , broad figure who , when he led us into the light of his warm kitchen , turned out to be a middle - aged man with a bristling moustache . " I was just trying to get the cat in and I heard something going on in the woods , " he told us . " I thought maybe it was Za - Za - that 's the cat - having an altercation with a fox , or that dog that lives up the road . It wouldn 't be the first time . And I found you two . " He turned and called through the doorway : " Lottie ! Can you come and give me a hand here ? " " Just a minute ! " The voice sounded worryingly familiar , worries that were confirmed when a red - haired girl stuck her head round the door and squeaked " Ben ! What are you doing here ? " Yes , it was Charlotte . Oh , hooray ! Embarrassing or what ! I made up some story about looking for one of Grandad 's chickens that had got loose and might be in the woods , while I dried my hair with the towel Charlotte found for me . She kept staring at me . Perhaps she was hoping that I 'd strip off completely and towel myself down . Nah , I 'm not the sort of person anyone hopes that about . Then Charlotte 's Dad looked at Grandad who was shivering and shaking like his teeth would fall out and said : " Mr Heath , isn 't it ? I 'm Mark Watson . You 're going to be ill if we don 't get you out of those wet clothes and into a hot bath straightaway . Lottie , go and run a bath and I 'll find you some of my spare clothes . " " It 's alright Grandad , " I said . " It 's alright . " I felt like I was talking to a frightened child . " We 'll go home and you can get warm there . " I turned to Mr Watson and smiled awkwardly . " Tell you what , " Mr Watson blustered . " I 'll give you both a lift home . It 's still pouring with rain . " He gave a nervous laugh . " Ben , where are you ? " She sounded either annoyed or anxious , probably both . I sighed . When would she work out that I was almost 16 ? For a moment I couldn 't work out what to say . What had I said when I left ? The events of the last hour or so had confused me . " It 's not miles and I went to Tom 's too . " This was irritating . Why didn 't I just tell her the truth ? Because she would start a spiral of worry and who knew where that would lead . " Are you coming home ? Do you want a lift ? The rain 's awful ? " She rattled on in this vein for a while as I began to shiver . I cut her off with the promise that I 'd be home soon and went to check that Grandad was alright . Was I right to say nothing ? I hadn 't quite worked out what had gone on in the woods , or maybe I had , but I didn 't want to admit to it . If I admitted that he seemed to be running from something , that he seemed to be re - enacting our old war games but taking them seriously , then I would have to tell someone and that would put a chain of events in motion that would change everything . And I wanted to keep Grandad as he was . " What is she on about ? " asked Tom . I was scrabbling in my bag for a text book at the time and didn 't reply . I was trying to work out what to say . " Found it ! " I announced , waving the book in the air and hitting Tom in the face . " Sorry Tom ! I 've got to go . " I loped off leaving Tom and Charlotte staring at me . Maybe Charlotte was just being kind but I didn 't want her interfering . I didn 't want anyone else involved . It settled down after that . Chin Woman returned - she 'd been ill apparently - Grandad answered the phone when it rang and obliged Mum by being in when she called round . I didn 't see why he shouldn 't go out when he wanted , but what did I know ? Nothing that Mum wanted to hear on the subject anyway . Parents never seem to want to talk to their children about important things and maybe if they did there would be fewer problems . It would have helped in Grandad 's case . There was also the problem of the new girl Charlotte Watson who 'd joined us from another school right as exams were about to begin and seemed to have latched on to me . She was everywhere I went or so it seemed . She was in my science and maths sets and she invariably managed to find a spare seat near me , even when I could have sworn ( and often did ) that there wasn 't one . If she had been Amanda Simpson I wouldn 't have minded though I might not have dared talk to her . She 's in the popular league . " Charlotte 's alright , " said Tom when I moaned to him about it . " Anyway , someone said she 's got a boyfriend at Ashbourne . " Ashbourne is a sixth form college in the next town , full of posh boys and gals . Rumour has it that they ride their horses to college or have the chauffeur drop them off . No - one from Glorney Mead could ever dream of going there . We 'd all be way out of place . " They 're all old at Ashbourne . Maybe she wants a younger one at Glorney . Keep her options open , " I suggested . " Come on , move ! " I had just spotted Charlotte walking determinedly towards us . We got up from the bench we were lounging on but Tom makes lounging into an art form so it took him a while and we weren 't fast enough . " Sorry , yes . " She glanced at him then turned back to me . " Did you understand that experiment in Chemistry ? " Her head was cocked slightly to one side , her eyes were big . She looked a bit like Bonzo Dog . I hoped her digestive system works better than his does . She rallied . " Well , see you some time . " She smiled and set off down the corridor . Then she turned . " Or I might bump into you outside . I think you visit someone in my road . " It was raining when I called round on Grandad early that evening . I 'd promised Mum I 'd take in some fresh milk as , on the days when Chin Woman isn 't there , milk tends to get left out . I got there and he wasn 't in . Only he must have been around as , when I went round the back to see if he was in the garden , I found the backdoor open and the radio on in the kitchen , blaring out a comedy programme . I could hear riotous laughing No reply . I went in and wandered from room to room . The cupboard under the stairs , where we had hidden in the storm , was open and he 'd left a tap running in the bathroom but otherwise everything was normal . The milk was even in the fridge . I guessed he had just gone out for a bit and had forgotten to shut the backdoor . I delivered the milk to the appropriate spot in the fridge and left . " Grandad alright ? " asked Mum as I shook the rain off me in the hall . It was tipping down now and I hoped Grandad was snug in a pub or back in his kitchen listening to the radio . He said he kept it on for company if he felt lonely . I imagined him in the pub with a few other old men like him , chewing over things , having a bit of a moan about how young people didn 't know how lucky they were these days . Not that Grandad was like that . He always supported me . " Who ? Oh , Grandad . Yeah . Fine . " I shrugged . There didn 't seem any point in worrying her and sending her scuttling round the pubs looking for him , disturbing him when he 'd only just started another pint . " Where are you off to ? " Dad spotted me as I tried to sneak through the house unseen . Stupid open - plan 1970s design . Not only can 't you shut off the sound of the pointless talent shows that Molly watches and the cookery competitions that are Mum 's obsession , you can 't even sneeze without someone hearing you . " No . " I said it too quickly . " Thanks though . I am so cramped up doing this essay , my brain and body need a bit of exercise . " " Yes . Anyway , you 're always telling me that a bit of rain never hurt anyone . Bye ! " I was out the front door before Dad could think of a suitable response . Grandad 's house was dark when I cycled up . Perhaps he was having an early night after too many pints in the pub . I knocked quietly on the front door , not wanting to disturb him but not wanting to go away without being sure he was OK . I felt sick . Where had he gone ? Was he hiding in the house like in the thunder storm , playing a war game , and I hadn 't seen him earlier ? Had he collapsed and I 'd missed him ? Had he gone out and something had happened to him ? " Grandad ! " I stepped into the kitchen and groped around for the light switch . It wasn 't fully dark outside yet , but the light made me feel a little better and I switched on every light I could find as I tiptoed from room to room , expecting at any moment to find him lying there , his body twisted , his face … Get a grip ! I My imagination was conjuring up all sorts of terrible images . The house was empty . I didn 't know what to do next . I could have tried Mrs Stuck - Up - Nose and asked if she 'd seen him but she was usually so hostile it would probably lead to trouble . His other neighbours had only just moved in . " Not sure who they are , " Grandad had said . " I called round with a pie but they were out . " I found a torch by the back door and went down the garden . Perhaps he had been digging again and fallen in the hole . In which case he might be lying there , his body … Stop it ! But he wasn 't . He had obviously been digging recently as the hole was quite big now , and filling up with water from the relentless rain , but there was no Grandad . The back gate was open though . It led out into a lane , on the other side of which were the woods . Grandad and I had adventures in the woods when I was younger , hiding from the enemy , building makeshift camps . One summer when Nana , Dad 's mother , was ill , Mum and Dad went to visit her for a couple of weeks . Molly went with them as she was considered too young to be away from them , and I stayed with Gran and Grandad . That was Gran 's last summer and I remember her reading to me , and cooking , but mostly I remember getting wet and muddy in the woods with Grandad , pretending we were on the trail of a spy . Gran told us both off for the mess we brought back in with us , but it was great . The trees should have given me some shelter but the rain was so hard the leaves couldn 't hold it , or when they did , they collected a pool then dumped it on me as I walked below . I ducked branches as well as I could , but twigs still hit me in the face and I couldn 't see the roots and other obstacles under my feet . Once I slipped and went crashing to the ground . I lay there winded for a moment and sensed something on the edge of my hearing . Something was moving ahead of me . I scrambled to my feet and called " Grandad . " The movement stopped . Then it started again , somewhere slightly to my right and further into the woods . " Grandad ! " Stop . Start . " Reggie ! " This time the movement stopped for longer . I crept forward , shining my torch on the ground , watching for twigs that might snap and give the game away . Grandad had taught me that when we 'd played our games that summer . I stepped forward again and this time forgot to look at the ground . I stumbled into a hole and fell to the side , thudding my shoulder into a tree . Something else moved ahead and this time my torch caught a figure running away from me zigzagging among the trees . It was him , I was sure . I ran then too , not caring about the noise I was making , not caring about the branches that whipped at me nor the fact that the rain had now reached my underpants . I was sure I could outrun him . But the wood was dark and Grandad was wily , moving this way and that , diving into thick bushes , so that I lost sight of him . I stopped and listened but all I could hear was the pelting rain and my own panting . " Grandad ! Grandad ! It 's me ! Ben ! Where are you ? " My voice was high with panic now . Nothing . Think Ben , think ! I remembered the games in the woods , the way we had sneaked around in silence - or as much silence as a nine - year - old could muster - the oranges we had thrown as ' hand grenades ' ( Gran told us off about that too ) , the time I couldn 't find him and he was just behind me . I 'd panicked then , too , and he 'd taught me a signal to use if I ever got lost again . A bird cry . I could scarcely remember it . I chanced it . " Grandad ? It 's me , Ben . " I shone my torch low to where I thought he was , afraid of startling him and , like a nervous fawn , he appeared from behind a tree . " That doesn 't sound good . And how was the place looking ? Had Andrea been round ? I must go and see him . I 'm really not sure he can manage at home anymore , especially after these night - time digging episodes . " She glanced at the clock and then at the table in front of her . She had been making pastry and it wasn 't going well . Mum thinks she should cook from scratch each day and she had the recipe book open on Chicken and Leek Pie . It would be a good hour or so before we had it . " I haven 't got time to go round this evening . Or maybe if I put this in the oven and you kept an eye on it , Ben , though I 've got to do vegetables too . " She pushed her glasses back onto her nose and left a white smudge of flour on one lens . Her attempts at wiping it off made it worse . It would be a long , long time until we ate . " I 've got homework , " I said , using an excuse that Mum would approve of and hoping she wouldn 't remember it was Friday and I never did homework on Fridays . " You 'd better stay . " Mum didn 't have time to do half the things she tried to do - like cooking for instance - but she could never see it . " I 'm sure he 's alright . He seemed the same as ever , " I added , seeing her face crease with anxiety . Saturday is a day for a lie - in , a day to relax . My brain and body need it . I 'm 15 , almost 16 , and there 's a book that explains about how our brains change when we 're teenagers and why someone of my age needs rest and - a book I gave to Mum and Dad but they haven 't really taken it in . Mum thinks Saturday is Family Day , when we can all do something together like go for a long walk , have a meal . " It 's our only chance to spend time together , " she sighed when Molly and I complained , or I complained and Molly just stood in the background and looked awkward . She 's only 11 . " Sundays are so busy , " added Mum . She and Dad are crazy church - goers , always taking old ladies here and there , sitting on committees , serving lunches , running youth groups . They had a go at getting me and Molly involved . Molly 's young enough to be sucked into it all but I haven 't been for years . School work can be a good excuse when you don 't want to hurt feelings . Saturday dawned . OK , I didn 't see the dawn and I did my best not to see any of the morning but Mum made sure I couldn 't sleep by sending Bonzo Dog in . Bonzo is half - dog , half - tornado with a flatulence problem that could strip wallpaper . So if his licks and nuzzles don 't get you up , his smell will . So 10am and I was awake and 11am I was peeling potatoes . Janice is Mum 's sister . She got divorced a year or so back and is bringing up Ellie and Jack on her own . They 're ten - year - old twins . Ellie 's alright but Jack 's a little … wait , I 've got to think of a polite way of saying it … pain . That 'll do . He 's really competitive and has to win at everything . I try not to let him , though that may be lowering myself to his level . Mum was preparing steak and kidney pudding . " It 's your Grandad 's favourite , " she told me as I raised an eyebrow at the elaborate preparations . " Granny used to make it - proper suet pastry and boiled in a basin . " " No , I don 't think so . " Mum looked again at the recipe book . " I think it will be ready in time . We 're having a starter after all . " In fact , it was a good thing that the pudding wasn 't ready until three , what with the trouble over Grandad . Janice and the twins went to pick him up and he wasn 't there , even though Mum and Janice had both spoken to him just half - an - hour or so before . Maybe with all the fuss they were making he had decided to go to ground for a while . " Where can he be ? " Mum was pacing up and down , her heels clicking on the kitchen floor as she intermittently checked the lunch , her watch and the drive outside . " Perhaps he 's wandered off . " " He 's probably just nipped out to the shop and got talking , " said Dad , putting his arm around her . She shook him off then turned and buried her face in his shoulder . When she raised her eyes and noticed me watching them she stood back and forced a smile across her face . " Yes , you 're right Alan . He 's probably lost track of time . Ben , can you get those little green dishes out for the melon ? " The steak and kidney pudding was good , I 'll give Mum credit for that . I was even allowed a glass of wine though the rations on alcohol are strict in this house . I found Grandad in the kitchen , empty glass in hand , searching for a bottle . He winked at me . " Molly , Ellie and Jack , you may get down . I 'll call you to help with the washing up shortly , " said Mum . I heard them scuttling across the hall and up the stairs and then the remaining adults started . " I 've no idea , " replied Janice . " He just turned up round the front of the house from the back garden and looked confused when he saw us . His shoes were filthy though , like he 'd been tramping through mud . I made him change them . " Posted on October 30 , 2016 by wiseegg 1 I blame Mum ; it was her fault . Sort of . She was the one who chose to put him in that place . She and my aunt and uncle . I realise they thought they had to , though they never expected things to turn out the way they did . And I 'm kind of glad we did what we did . " Yes , and we can 't have precious Mrs Stuck - Up - Nose 's beauty sleep disturbed can we ? " I said , though some of my words were a bit ruder than that which made Mum angry and forget the real point . Which was , in my opinion , that Grandad was quite OK , just a bit eccentric , and his neighbour ( real name Mrs Snelling , but she always stuck her nose up into the air , so Grandad and I had always called her Mrs Stuck - Up - Nose , much to Mum 's annoyance ) was a nasty old bag who wanted him out of there . Mrs Snelling and Grandad had clashed when her dog had dug up and eaten his turnips and then been very sick and she 'd blamed him . They 'd also clashed over who owned the fence that was falling down ( OK , it was Grandad 's but he didn 't have any money and she did so she could have paid for it ) and they 'd clashed over Henry the cockerel when Grandad had started keeping chickens . Cockerels are meant to make noise and he was only trying to defend the hens from her dog . I couldn 't find Grandad at first . He didn 't answer the door but that wasn 't anything too unusual . I let myself in with the spare key he kept in the old watering can . Mum had gone on at him when he had one under a stone so he had obliged her by removing it and putting it in the can instead , only she thought he 'd put it sensibly in his kitchen drawer ( " What use would that be if I 'm locked out ? " asked Grandad ) . I walked down the hall looking into the rooms . Mum was always moaning about it being a mess and even I could see she was right , though if Grandad was happy , so what ? But there were old plates and cups scattered around and not the best smell coming from the kitchen . Kind of burnt and rotten at the same time . A woman called Andrea usually came in to help him some days but I guess she hadn 't been for a day or two . " Sheltering . " His voice echoed in the bucket . " I haven 't finished the Anderson Shelter yet , but this may protect us if a bomb falls . " " Cool . " I hadn 't played war games since I was a little kid but why not ? Grandad had always been up for them then . He had said it helped him make the memories better . I 'd thought that was to make me feel that I was being useful and not ' bothering Grandad ' as Mum used to say , but she also told me that he 'd had a bad time in the war , got shot down and was on the run for months , so maybe it was a kind of therapy . So , until I was about 11 and went to Glorney Mead - that 's my secondary school - we 'd spent our time flying Spitfires , creeping through enemy territory and making daring escapes from prisoner - of - war camps . Then I 'd been too grown - up to play but I guess he still had the bad memories . I felt guilty . Perhaps we should have carried on playing . I reached over and squeezed his arm . Slowly his hand uncurled from gripping the side of the bucket and he unfolded his arm and took my hand . He held it tight and we sat there in silence , listening to the rain . With every clap of thunder he gripped me tighter still until my hand hurt and I wished he would stop . We crawled out from under the stairs and I looked at him . He was a bit pale and he shook and shuffled along towards the kitchen . He kept looking up . " Ok . Good . Boring . " I picked up the washing up bowl and discovered the source of the bad smell . Some charred stew lay in the bottom of the sink . I recognised it as the dinner Mum had brought round on Monday . It was Friday now . No wonder it smelled . We both grinned . Andrea had the most enormous chin , and since she was also a bit frightening - she ordered everyone around - Grandad and I would call her Chin Woman to make us feel better . We did that a fair bit . " Do you know , I have no idea . I think there may have been some message about her being ill or something . Biscuits . You must have a biscuit . " We had tea and biscuits and I did a bit of clearing up . I didn 't want Mum coming round later and making more of a fuss about mess and him not managing . He asked me a few times about school and then I realised it was time to get going . Grandad came to the door to wave me off . As I climbed onto my bike he said " Better get there before it 's dark . I don 't want you cycling in the black out . " " No , of course not . Why would you have done ? " replied her mother , but her eyes were wide . " What have we come to ? " she murmured and squeezed Katarina 's hand . Seamus recovered first . " I hope you don 't mind my calling round like this but I was wondering about some homework . I 'm really stuck you see . Mrs Rohinton , " he smiled across at her . Though he was only a couple of years older than Katarina he was almost as tall as her father . " Katarina tells me that you are rather an expert at languages . And I 'm not you see and I 'm falling behind . And I came to see if maybe you would be kind enough to give me some tutoring . I could … well , my father could , pay . " " Oh , of course . That wouldn 't be necessary . I 'm sure I could help you out a little here and there . " Mrs Rohinton smiled warmly at him . To her own surprise , Katarina found her heart sinking a touch . " But sometimes it 's not convenient and Seamus has done the syllabus … " She blushed slightly . " Can I make you a cup of tea ? " she blustered . Katarina clattered mugs in the kitchen half - listening to her mother discussing when Seamus could come round for tutoring . They seemed to be agreeing on the following Monday after school . She smiled and reached for the milk jug . As she did so she caught a glimpse of something grey outside the window . It was Ditto balanced on the windowsill looking in . He opened his mouth and Katarina could hear a faint ' miaow ' . He rubbed his face against the glass and mewed again . She reached over , raised the catch on the window and opened it . The cat strolled in , leaped elegantly over the kitchen sink and onto the floor . He rubbed round her legs then padded across to the door . Katarina followed , tea tray in hand and opened the door . The cat marched into the hall . " Yes , yes , terrible , " her father broke in shifting awkwardly in his carpet slippers . He was dressed for a restful weekend but was always full of nervous energy , especially in the presence of strangers . " Come and sit down and have some tea . Come through … what 's that cat doing ? " " Here Ditto ! " Katerina knelt down and reached her hand out towards him but the cat put his head to one side as if thinking , mewed once then turned and walked into Katarina 's bedroom , tail held high . The next moment his tail was disappearing under the bed . " No ! " This time the word came out as a yelp . " I mean , let 's leave him . He seems happy . " Sure enough Ditto was purring . " I 'll get him out later . " She wriggled back out from under the bed and found her face close to Seamus 's . He gazed at her for a moment before rocking back on his heels and seeming to sniff the air . He gave a half - smile , stood up and offered her his hand as she got to her own feet . But she backed away , pulled herself up and brushed down her skirt . It was a short brown skirt and it suddenly seemed childish . " Sure , " said Seamus , sliding his hands into his pockets . " Leave Ditto . He 's happy there . And I should go down and drink my tea and talk to your parents . " |
' Noooo . I love that story . It helps me go to sleep and to feel safe , ' she says , her big brown eyes looking at me through her long dark lashes . I settle on to the bed next to Chelsea and reach out so my paw is resting on hers . The story of ' Rupert the Brave ' has been passed down through the generations and has become legendry amongst our greyhound friends . I never tire of telling the story to Chelsea and hope one day she will tell it to her children , and so on . ' Once upon a time , a long time ago , when your great , great grandmother was a girl , greyhounds were forced to race around a track . Some of them had to chase terrified possums or rabbits and even cute piglets who were tied to a lure , squealing for mercy . Even back then , greyhounds were gentle creatures and didn 't want to hurt the poor little animals . They didn 't want to run for money either . But if they didn 't win , they were treated badly by their keepers . They were given poor food , little shelter and only had concrete floors for a bed . There was no time for fun or long walks in the park . Some got bad injuries and were left maimed and untreated . Some were taken out to the bush and shot , with their ears cut off , their identities stolen forever . ' I pause for a moment to let Chelsea wrinkle her nose and shudder at the horror , as she always did . ' But others were much luckier and were rescued by kindly folk who found them lovely homes . They were allowed to meet with their friends , go on long walks together and sleep on warm soft beds inside nice houses ' . Chelsea smiles , glad she has only ever known kindness , compassion and love . Jeffery was the only male in the group that day . He was a big fair haired boy with kind eyes . Jeffery liked everyone and everyone liked Jeffery . The big scar on his back leg was evidence that his life had not always been as happy as it was on that day though . He didn 't like to talk much about what had happened to him , but he was not one to hold grudges and was a fine example to the newer members of the group of how to remain dignified despite a difficult past . Jeffery shared his home with Molly and sometimes he gave her snippets about his racing days . She was normally a shy girl but knowing a little of what he 'd been through she was protective of Jeffery , and thought of him as her big , gentle older brother . She was petite and pretty with dark hair and dainty white feet . Molly had been in some races too , but she didn 't like it , and she didn 't like having to share her food and her racing kennel with anyone else . Now that she was safe , Jeffery was teaching her to be tolerant and kind to other greyhounds . She liked everyone else in the group well enough once she got to know them , but was still wary of strangers . Lady was a gorgeous , quiet girl with blue hair and enquiring amber eyes . She had been too small to race fast enough so was given up by her owner , to whom she was of no use , to a rescue group . She now lived in a lovely , safe warm home . She had fallen for Jeffery the moment she met him on her first group walk . He returned her affection in a way that made her feel special , but she noticed he was careful not to exclude the other ladies either . ' Hello Jeffery , ' Lady said demurely , as she gently nuzzled his face . ' Hello Lady , it 's lovely to see you again . Would you care to walk with me today ? ' Casey was the senior of the group . She had been dark haired in her youth but was now greying around her long muzzle and her flanks . Her eyes were kind but becoming hazy with age . Casey had raced many years ago ; almost too ago long for her to remember the bad things that happened . All she knew was cold water made her nervous , but she wasn 't sure why . ' Before the group had walked very far , a strange looking dog appeared , almost as though from nowhere . To the tall , lean , elegant greyhounds , he looked quite odd . He had short legs , a stout body and a very short nose . His hair was blonde and coarse and his head was square . ' Who are you ? ' asked Jeffery suspiciously , the girls lining up behind him . ' I would like to be your friend . I would like to come on your walk , and to show you how to have a good time . I won 't hurt you . I can protect you . ' Jeffery and Lady walked together , brushing shoulders occasionally . Molly sulked close by , unhappy Jeffery had let Rupert join them and spoil their walk . She didn 't like the look of him and wanted him to go away . Casey walked quietly not far behind . They all ambled slowly along the walking track , stopping to sniff bushes and trees along the way . The creek meandered beside them , bubbling over rocks and around fallen branches . Rupert stayed just ahead of the pack but every now and then he would dart back to make sure no - one was left behind . He slowed his pace to fall in beside Molly to make sure she was alright . He could sense her dislike of him , and had experienced this kind of discrimination before . He couldn 't help the way he looked . It wasn 't his fault that people were suspicious and frightened of him when they met him , even before they knew him . He was an easy - going chap , but sometimes others wouldn 't even give him a chance to prove it . He was determined to show the greyhounds , especially Molly , that he was not a threat to her , and that he was in fact quite nice . ' Is everyone else okay ? ' chirped Rupert . ' Yes were fine , thanks ' said Casey . ' We may walk slowly but we are happy to keep going ' . ' I 've got an idea . There 's a good place up ahead where it 's safe for us all to have a run and a play . Who 's ready ? ' Rupert asked enthusiastically , already bounding ahead . Rupert led the group up a hill to a hole in the fence . He ran through easily on his short legs , but he was startled to see the greyhounds had to get on their knees to crawl through . How funny , he mused . He thought of them as such elegant , graceful creatures but now they just looked plain silly ; their long legs stretched out in front and their backs crouched down in a sphinx - like pose . One by one they squeezed through and when they topped the hill , there was open space as far as they could see . ' Come on everyone , go crazy . Run . Just run for the fun of it . ' called Rupert as he darted from here to there and back again . Greyhounds had not always been allowed to run just for the fun of it . They had been made to run on a track and chase lures and be jeered at . They had to run further and faster than they were able . Sometimes they collapsed with exhaustion at the end of the race and even after they had given it their all , they were told they were useless and good for nothing . ' It 's time to head back down the hill now ' said Rupert . He ran around to everyone and gently nosed them to their feet . ' I 've got a few other fun things to do before we 're done . ' Molly , usually shy , was the first to try . She put one long leg out and then the other and gingerly picked her way over the rocks without getting her feet wet . She was very pleased with herself on reaching the other side ' Did you see how well I managed on my own , Rupert ? ' ' Come on girls . It 's okay , even a bit fun . ' Molly called out across the creek . She was enjoying herself immensely and was surprised at how nice a non - greyhound could actually be . Perhaps she had been too quick to judge him . Casey was more reluctant . ' I don 't think I can do it Jeffery ' she said , embarrassed . ' I 'm too old to learn new tricks and I 'm scared I might slip into the cold water ' . Slowly but surely , and with Jeffery to steady her , Casey made it to the other side without incident . ' Now we know where the saying comes from - you can teach old dogs new tricks . ' Rupert quipped . ' Well done Casey , we 're proud of you . ' ' The sun is now high in the sky and we 'll start to get burnt . I think we should go home now ; it 's time for our mid - day nap anyway . ' Jeffery took charge as usual . ' I know a place where we can have a drink and cool our feet on the way back . ' Rupert seemed blessed with boundless energy . His eyes were bright and his little legs had to go at double speed to keep up with the long strides of the greyhounds but he didn 't show any signs of tiring . They rounded a bend and before them was a beautiful sight . There was a big swimming hole and the creek spilled gently over at one end , creating a little waterfall . Large gum trees flanked the banks of the creek and their rugged boughs stretched out , dappled shade providing protection from the hot sun . A huge flat rock bordered the water and allowed the greyhounds to stand comfortably to drink and to paddle to cool their tired feet . ' It 's my pleasure to show it to you , Molly . It 's one of my favourite places to rest and paddle and I 'm glad you like it too . ' It seems he was finally winning her over . Without warning , their peace was shattered . A small , angry , fluffy , dog , full of self - importance came hurtling over the creek bank and ran straight into the middle of the greyhounds . He yapped and yipped so loudly and fiercely nobody could understand a word he said . His voice was loud and squeaky but he sounded angry . He darted from here to there , nipping at heels and jumping at faces . Nobody knew what to do . They were not used to being attacked by other dogs . ' Get this annoying little thing away from me . ' Molly finally found her voice , no longer able to contain her disdain for something so small . She reeled around and snapped back at the little critter , making him more angry . He screeched at her and bit her painfully on her hocks . ' Ouch , that hurt . Go away you little monster . ' Molly , with ears flat back and her head stretched out , was ready to strike if he tried to bite her again . ' Jeffery do something , don 't just stand there . ' Jeffery , usually calm and composed , was terrified that Molly and the other ladies would be seriously hurt . He wanted to help , but he didn 't like confrontation and didn 't know what to do . He stood rooted to the spot , himself frightened of the crazy rampaging fluffy dog in their midst . He remained standing still , his tail between his legs , embarrassed by his incompetence . Rupert was busy sniffing in the bushes , exploring new scents . He was vaguely aware of a kerfuffle going on back at the creek , but assumed Jeffery , as their leader , would be able to deal with it . But on hearing his name , Rupert jerked his head up high , cocked an ear to the sky and immediately knew what he had to do . ' Go away and stay away . You 're not welcome here if you 're going to be nasty to these lovely dogs . ' Rupert continued to follow the yappy dog , angry and threatening . He knew it would not come back . He stopped and watched for a while longer until it was out of sight . He returned to the creek bank and stood at the top , looking down at the huddle of greyhounds , still unable to move . ' It 's okay , he 's gone and won 't be coming back . You 're all safe now . Is anyone hurt ? ' he called down . ' My foot is sore . ' Molly held her hind leg up for effect . ' But I 'll be okay . Thanks to you . ' Molly bowed her head , glad to she had given this larrikin a chance to be her friend . ' Oh Rupert , thank you . I was afraid the little dog would pick on me next as I 'm old . But you made sure I was safe . ' Casey kissed him gently on his short muzzle . Jeffery had finally recovered his composure . ' On behalf of myself and the ladies , I would like to thank you , Rupert , for your courage and bravery . You must come on all our walks and be our protector . ' " It would be my pleasure . " Rupert puffed out his chest , ran around the group , giving each greyhound a friendly lick on the nose . " I will make sure greyhounds are free to run without fear whenever they want , " he vowed . I looked at Chelsea . She had tucked her nose under her paw , a smile on her long lips . Her eyelids fluttered gently . I knew she was already having sweet dreams ; looking forward to the time she 'd be old enough to have an adventure like Jeffery , Molly , Lady and Casey . And of the plucky little fellow who would keep her safe . I work in the office of a pet minding business , Lonely Pets Club . A couple of weeks ago we were contacted by a lady in distress . She owned a little 16 year old Jack Russell called Wilbur . She 'd had a bad car accident 12 months prior and was unable to walk and unable to care for Wilbur . So he was staying with her ex - hubby but he wasn 't caring for him properly and wouldn 't let him in the house due to his incontinence . So poor Wilbur was left outside in the cold with little shelter . His mum Katherine was desperate to get him somewhere safe and warm . So we put the call out to our beautiful carers and so many offered their help . Jess , who had recently lost two of her own little dogs , was the first to offer her love and is now his foster mum . She is caring for him until his mum Katherine can find a place where she can look after Wilbur again . When he first arrived , he was in a bad way , and Jess got him straight to the vet . He had excess fluid on his lungs from lack of medication , poor conditions and cold weather . He needed to wait another week while she fattened him up and got him a little better to have his vaccinations done and he required a blood test to check on his kidneys . He also got a top up of medication and an arthritis injection and while he was violated for a temperature check and then again for a prostate check … he was willing to accept the apology treats the vet was spoiling him with ! ! Wilbur is partly deaf and partly blind but he can still see well enough to avoid collisions and hear well enough for when Jess tells him to go wee wee 's . His incontinence is severe and it prevents him being able to follow them around the house and snuggle for very long … he hates having to get out of bed or up off the couch in the cold . A couple of days after his visit to the vet , little Wilbur was looking so much better ! His real mum Katherine was being a wonderful support to Jess and providing for all his medical costs . Jess arranged for Katherine to visit Wilbur , the first time she 'd seen him in 12 months ! ! Foster mum Jess said " It was beautiful to see how happy Wilbur was to spend Saturday with Katherine ( his real Mum ) - he was running around like a mad rat haha . Unfortunately we have had some bad news from the vet though , Wilbur has been diagnosed with kidney disease and has been put on a special diet to take the stress off his kidneys . Luckily he loves his new food ! Our love affair with greyhounds started in September 2010 . We had previously decided that our next dog would be a greyhound as we had a friend who had adopted one and she was beautiful . We 've always adopted pets from shelters so saving the life of a greyhound fitted with our beliefs . But we didn 't realise that day would come as quickly as it did , as our two dogs , Ralph and Rupert , were only three years old . Hi , I 'm April ! It all began in NSW in 2002 . My mum Stacey gave birth to my sisters Shawee and Baby , my brother Milagro and me . When I was being born , I got a bit stuck and had to be pulled out . Unfortunately it did some damage to my foot and it 's never been normal since . We grew up with a trainer and he and his wife were good to us . As we grew from gangly , short - nosed pups , our owner could see that my siblings had inherited their mum and dad 's good racing pedigree and started their training . It all seemed very glamorous to me , but because of my club foot I did not join them . I had to wait in the backyard for them to come home and tell me all about the outside world . They were given lovely racing names , but I was only ever called April , after the month in which we were born ( not much imagination there ! ) as it had become obvious that I would never race . I could only hop around on 3 legs most of the time as it hurt to put my foot on the hard services . If was on grass or chasing my siblings , I forgot about the pain and used all 4 feet ! Despite my obvious disability , I grew into a handsome girl who looked just like my mum and sister and was pretty happy about life - nothing much fazed me and I enjoyed spending time with my family . We were some of the lucky ones - our owner kept us even past the time we could win any races , and of course I couldn 't ever do anything but be sweet and hop around a lot . Eventually , however , in early 2010 , hard times fell on our owners and they couldn 't keep us anymore . Janet and Peter from Greyhound Rescue took us in as a family ( including Princess who is my half sister from an earlier litter ) and let us live with them for a while with all their other dogs . It was fun , but there were so many of us they had to find us new homes . Shawee , Baby , Princess and Milagro were all found lovely forever homes quite quickly but mum and I were going to be a bit of a problem . Mum was now nearly 14 years old and I was 8 and had special needs as far as my leg was concerned . On the saddest day of my life , my beautiful mum Stacey passed away in September 2010 . I didn 't understand what had happened and was very stressed . For the 8 years of my life I 'd never been apart from mum and my siblings and now I found myself alone . What would become of me ? Who would want an old girl who couldn 't go for very long walks ? And then it happened - the start of the rest of my life ! Kylie and Mike in Melbourne had been considering fostering a greyhound a year and a half after their beautiful dog Ralph passed away aged 4 from lymphoma . They didn 't know if they were ready to have another dog but Ralph 's brother Rupert had been depressed since the loss of his best mate and they thought a new friend might cheer him up . So they contacted Greyhound Rescue and thought they 'd try fostering for a while to see how everyone got on . Next thing I knew I was on a plane ( that was a bit weird ! ) to Melbourne and a couple of days later Kayleigh from Greyhound Rescue took me to meet my new family . Rupert ( I now call him Rupie ) is a cutie - he was a bit wary of me at first and bossed me around a bit to let me know it was his place and he 'd lay down the ground rules - fair enough , I reckon . I was just happy to have a new friend and some owners who really love me . Two years later , Martina from Kay 's Greys ( now Amazing Greys ) put out a desperate call for a foster carer for a young dog who needed rescuing from a trainer 's kennels . Kylie and Mike had fallen for me big time ( and who wouldn 't ? ? ) and they couldn 't bare to see a dog at risk of being killed . So , they offered to take in New Girl ( she didn 't even have a name ) and in a few days , we had a skinny , dirty , woolly , frightened young girl living in our house . Rupie liked her straight away and I guess I did too , but she was a bit scared of us , of Kylie and Mike and every single noise that she heard . We named her Billie , and gradually , with lots of love , encouragement and space , she came out of her shell and became part of the family . When it came time to put her up for adoption … well , Kylie and Mike foster failed again ! So she was officially adopted by us in October 2012 . She 's only three years old and likes to play which has kept Rupie and I from growing into old grumps . We have a lot of fun together and we 're really grateful that we have a nice happy home in which to live the rest of our lives . We hear that some of our kin are not so lucky . When I wanted a horse , Mum was there to help me choose . She learnt alongside me how to care for him , she walked alongside me when I was too young to ride on my own . She was there when I did my first show , and she picked me up when I had my first fall . She carted hay in the old station wagon and trudged through the mud with us in winter . Over the years we had dogs and cats , horses , sheep , goats and even a duck ! Mum was always there to help us care for them and I believe my love of animals today stemmed from learning what good friends they could be and how rewarding looking after them is . Mum was a city girl and had never had pets until we moved to Healesville , but she learned along the way and grew to love the country life we had . As a child you expect your mother 's care , as a teenager you take it for granted . As a twenties - something , you 're too busy creating your own life to appreciate it . But as I 've matured in age and outlook , I 've realised how lucky we were to have a mum who loved us constantly , consistently and unconditionally . She showed us what it meant to love and be loved , and the great love between Mum and Dad is something we should all aspire to . We were never left wondering with Mum - always ready with a big smackaroo kiss on the cheek , a cuddle and telling us she loved us . Mum was there for us always , she never let us down or disappointed us . It was an honour to help care for her in the past four or five years and in some ways I feel I got to know her and love her even more . Her true spirit shone through in the way she faced her challenges , and she was always grateful and gracious . As Mum 's condition progressed , her spirit become more beautiful , if that could be possible . She maintained her dignity and sense of humour and everyone who met her , even for the first time , would say " oh , she 's got a beautiful smile " . Even on the bad days , it would light up her face and we 'd all smile too . She even developed a little bit of a wicked laugh ! She knew when she was being cheeky and put on funny accents - her favourite was the posh one - so we 'd all have to be posh too ! Mum had a few quirky little sayings , but one that particularly stays with me and has become part of our family 's vocabulary , is one I 'd like to share with you . Sometime over the years , I can 't recall when , Mum started saying " Oooooh , that 's a lovely breeze " when a soft wind would pass over her to cool down a hot day . I now find myself saying it , and perhaps now you will too , and know that it 's Mum popping by to wrap her arms around you to let you know she 's ok and is looking over us all . And no doubt she will have a beautiful smile on her face . You can 't . You just say thank you Mum for being the best mum a girl could hope for . I will love you always and I wish you a peaceful sleep , our beautiful princess . Today 's post is just because I can - no other reason and no deep meaning ! I have three dogs and I love them all and they 're all very different . I just wanted to share a picture of each of them with you . Rupie is hanging about on the carpet . Every time I tried to take a photo , he 'd run away . Usually an attention seeker , but when the camera comes out , he gets shy . And then something big hit me and I slid over the road and I felt a big pain in my back leg and I couldn 't run on it anymore because it was bleeding and it wouldn 't hold me up . I lay for a while in the wet grass on the side of the road and I cried with pain and fear but no - one stopped to help me . I dragged myself along and found a big bin near a tree and I pushed myself until I was under it . I don 't know how long I was there but it was so cold and scary and my leg hurt so much . After a long time a car drove past and then slowed down and then came back . A man with a kind voice looked under the bin , saw me and called me to come out . I was frightened and didn 't know him and my leg hurt too much to move , but I knew he seemed kind and so I thumped my tail to say " Thank you for being kind " . We went on a long drive until we came to a place called the RSPCA where they took me inside and another man touched me and looked at me and I heard him say " She is an American Staffy , only about one and a half years old I would say , but I will have to put her down " . I didn 't know what that meant , but the lady and man who helped me seemed very upset and cross and said " No , no , you cannot do that . She is a beautiful little dog " . The other man said he could not repair my leg because it was too hurt and if he amputated it ( I did not know what that was ) he would not be able to find a home for me as no - one would want a dog with only three legs . Then he said to the people " Unless you would be prepared to give her a home ? " . The kind people said they would give me a home and so I had a big sleep and when I woke up my back leg wasn 't there anymore . It hurt a lot even though it wasn 't there , and my tummy hurt as well , because the doctor said he had desexed me as well . I had some little puppies at my other house but the doctor said I was too young to have had puppies at my age . I heard him say he had put a microchip in my neck as well but I didn 't know what that was for . The people at the hospital called me Twiggy . After a long time in hospital when I had to learn to stand up again on my 3 legs , the kind people came back and took me home with them . They gave me a new name , Lulu . They had another brown dog and I thought it would be fun to run and play with him . But he didn 't seem to want to play much , and after I had been there for a while I heard the man and lady saying that he was too old and I was too young and they would have to find another home for me . I was very sad as I didn 't want to have to go away another time . They left me with an old lady whom they called Aunt , in another house and said I would only be there till they could find another home for me . The old lady was frightened that I would make her fall over inside as I love to run and jump so I had to stay on the back verandah in my bed all day . She tied me to a post with a long piece of rope but I was lonely and cold at night , and I had no - one to talk to me . One early morning when it was still a little bit dark I heard some voices coming down the street . One voice was a lady 's and the other was a man 's . I thought they sounded nice so I pulled hard on my collar and it came off my neck and I ran out as they walked past . The Aunt 's house didn 't have any gates so I could run straight out to them . The lady said " Hello beautiful , where did you come from " , because they didn 't see me come out of the gate from behind them . I rolled on my back to see if she would tickle my tummy and she did , and then said " Oh you dear little thing , you only have three legs " . She leaned down and cuddled me and looked around to see if she could see anyone who might own me or where I may have lived . I heard her say to the man " We can 't leave her here alone - we must take her home and try to find her owner " . The lady stayed with me on the footpath and cuddled me while the man went back to their house and got the car . They took me home with them and I really liked their house straight away . I was allowed to stay inside in the warm and the lady gave me chicken and smoked salmon and ham to eat as she said she had to make the sandwiches and lunch for some of their friends who were coming the see something on the TV which she called the Melbourne Cup . I was allowed in their lounge room and dining room where the lady was putting the food and after a little while the lady took me up to a place called a Veterinary Surgery . The people there found the chip in my neck and gave the lady the name and phone number of the people who had rescued me and adopted me . She asked if I could stay a while longer because she had to go to the doctor and I was very glad to stay as the lovely food was still being fed to me and I was being treated like a little princess . Some of the kind peoples ' visitors started to arrive and everyone made a great fuss of me and they were having some bubbly stuff to drink and were laughing a lot . I thought I would really like to live here but will they want me , or will I have to go somewhere else ? Later on the Aunt and another lady came to collect me and I was sad because I thought my kind new people didn 't like me . I sat in the back of the car and looked longingly at them and I saw them look back at me . Then I heard the man say to the Aunt " Don 't take her back to the RSPCA - if you can 't find a good home for her , here is our phone number - give us a ring " . I went back to the veranda again but I often saw the kind lady drive past and look in at me . I thought each time she was coming to get me but each time she drove past . One day the Aunt became ill and had to go to hospital . Another man took me to his house ( the man called the Aunt " Mum " ) and I stayed with him for a while . He used to go running and took me with him but sometimes my back leg got tired and I wanted to sit down and have a rest . Then he couldn 't keep me because he went away for work and so I was taken to the Aunt 's daughter 's house which only had a really small courtyard for me to stay , and I wasn 't allowed to go inside . I was very scared again because I didn 't know where I was and I didn 't know who would love me and keep me . I wished so much I could go back to the house where I had the lovely food and the kind people . But I couldn 't talk and tell them how much I wanted to go back there . Thanks heavens ! This new lady remembered the man giving her his phone number and she rang it and when he answered she said " You know when you said not to send Lulu back to the RSCPA but to give you a ring ? Well , were you serious " ? Wow , in half an hour I was sitting in the car of my new Mum and Dad travelling down to their beach house for the weekend . Oh , happy , happy day ! ! I kissed and loved and hugged them so much and they said I would always be their little girl and would be safe and loved and cherished for the rest of my life . They had to officially adopt me at the Council because sometimes people steal dogs like me . Mum said she could have adopted African twins with less paperwork than she had to fill out to adopt me ! But then I was officially theirs , and I know I will never be lonely or sad again . I have a beautiful life now , my parents have retired and I am with them every day and have even wheedled my way into their bed at night , although my own lovely warm bed is beside theirs . I just love to snuggle into them and know I will never be cold , or hurt or frightened again . My mummy always tells me how special I am and how my guardian angel brought them to me on that morning a year and a half ago . We have moved down to the beach to live now and I love to run in the sand and sit in the water and chase the seagulls . I can run and jump so well now and mum and dad always let me rest for a while if I get tired . I can run up and down the stairs in our house which is lots of fun . |
Month : August 2016 An awkward night … August 28 , 2016August 28 , 2016 ~ kalliepygus ~ Leave a comment When I woke up at about 3pm , I saw Adam 's text ( see There 's always a red flag … ) . He texted to say it was nice meeting me and we texted back and forth for a bit that day . The next day , he texted to ask if I was free later in the week for dinner . I agreed . I was excited , yet still unsure about him . I had a really good time , but I could tell he 's way more conservative than I am , that plus the whole living with the ex girlfriend thing was a huge red flag . Other than that though , I had a really good time and it was definitely an unforgettable night of adventures throughout the city . On the day we were supposed to meet for dinner , I was almost out of work and I still haven 't heard from him to confirm . I know he 's probably been out of the dating game a while , being that he 's recently single and all , but when a guy doesn 't confirm , I always have the urge to just cancel on them . I let it slide . I texted him around 4pm saying I was going to be working longer than expected and to tell him I would be running late . This would buy me a little extra time to get ready , which I needed , while also being a sly way to confirm that he still wants to get dinner . He responded saying that it was no problem and he 'll see me there . That evening , I got there right on time , went to the bar of the restaurant and ordered a drink . The bartender took my card and assumed I was opening a tab , which was fine , but you 'd think she would ask me before just holding onto my card . I was there a good 5 - 10 minutes before he finally arrived . He apologized when he got there and then sat next to me at the bar . The bartender came by and asked if he wanted a drink . He mentioned that we were there for dinner , she asked if we wanted to stay at the bar and order or get a table . He said the bar was fine . OK … so he set it up for awkwardness right from the start . Not confirming . Running late . Agreeing to stay at the bar . I know he 's been out of the dating game , but dude , all of that is adding up to make me really annoyed . He started out with small talk . Nothing too exciting . We chatted , he told me about his EMT training , I told him about work , we drank , hardly looked at the menu . The bartender checked on us a few times before we finally got around to figuring out what we wanted to order . We continued to small talk . Still nothing too exciting . He 's very dry and kind of monotone . I think the newness of him has already worn off and was only made more interesting a few nights earlier because of the amount of alcohol we had consumed . When the food arrived , we ate , talked , ate . We were there a good three hours before we realized the time and asked for our check . And that is when I remembered the bartender already had my credit card . Adam asked for the check and she had said , " Oh , do you not want it all on your tab ? " Adam looked confused , then I explained and then we agreed to split it . She seemed a bit annoyed , but it was kind of her fault for assuming in the first place that everything was going on my card and for even starting a tab without actually asking . We left the bar . I was tired and tempted to call it a night , but then he asked if I was still up to hang out , I agreed . I was holding onto hope that I would regain that spark from a few nights earlier . We walked . He had no plan of where to walk , we just walked . It was a neighborhood he grew up in , so he told me some childhood stories which were sweet to hear . Once we walked without further plans for about 20 minutes , I told him to turn left . He didn 't know it at the time , but I was leading him to my place . On our walk , we walked right past a sex toy store . He made a point to say something about how his friend and his friend 's wife are very open about their sex life . I told him I am too and I think that sex is a very natural and healthy thing . He kind of shut up about it . I don 't know if this was a turn on or turn off for him at that point . I think he wasn 't expecting that , plus he seems very reserved and a bit prude from what I can tell thus far . He laughed and told me that was smooth of me . We went upstairs . I gave him a tour of the place . We went to the bar , I poured us each a whiskey ginger ale and then we headed to the bar . We looked at the view and chatted briefly . He made his move . We started to make out and within minutes , two of my roommates opened the roof door and walked in on us . I pulled away and laughed , then introduced Adam to my roommates . We all hung out for a bit while they smoked their cigarettes . Once they were done , they went back downstairs and Adam and I went right back into making out . At this point , things got hot . He started to work his hand all on my body and up to grab my breasts . As he felt me up , he started to kiss down my neck and eventually kissed down to suck on my nipples . I was so worked up at this point , yet still exhausted , yet still unsure and leaning towards a no with him . We continued to feel each other 's bodies and kiss until my roommates came up for yet another cigarette break , but this time , they walked to the other side of the roof away from us . We stopped making out . I realized the time and said I should probably get going to bed soon . He said he would leave whenever I wanted him out . I looked at the clock , it was about 11 : 30 , I told him midnight would be fine . My roommates didn 't seem to be leaving this time , so Adam and I just kind of hung out awkwardly for a bit longer before I caved and asked if he wanted to go to my room . He agreed . I then gave him a caveat and said there will be no sex and he 's still leaving at midnight . He laughed and still agreed . We went downstairs and went to my room . We got back to making out . I got on top and straddled him . As we were making out , he started to rub my back , which felt amazing , so I told him to keep doing that . What was a make out session , quickly turned into a soothing back massage and cuddle session which I ended up falling asleep on him as he rubbed my back . I woke up around 12 : 20 and realized what had happened . I saw the time and said I should probably get ready for bed . He put his shoes on and made his way out the door , on his way out , he said we should hang out again soon . I agreed , but wasn 't really that interested anymore . I would have hung out with him again if he tried , but he never did . This was a month ago . And we went the entire month without talking , that is , until this past Wednesday he invited me to a party for Friday . I told him maybe I could show up later , but I had another party to go to . I ended up not being able to go , but told him we should catch up soon . The ball is in his court . I 'm not really going to push hanging out again , but if he hits me up , I probably wouldn 't turn him down . There 's always a red flag … August 25 , 2016August 25 , 2016 ~ kalliepygus ~ 6 Comments July 23rd , it was my friend Jackie 's birthday party . A small group of eight met up before a night of drinking to get dinner . I was a bit out of the circle of people , I recognized some of the people from previous events , but didn 't really know any of them . One guy in particular that I thought I knew , but obviously didn 't was Adam . Adam laughed , " Thank god I 'm not him then . " He smiled at me , I smiled back . At least I didn 't make a complete fool of myself quite yet . Adam is cute , brown eyes , dark hair , clean - cut , nice build . He is former military and conservative , not quite my type , but I was already captivated by this flirtation we have started . It was still early in the night , so we did some coy looks across the dinner table . After dinner , we all made our way downtown to the bar . When we arrived , we were joined by several other people . We took over a pretty large section of the Chicago Athletic Association 's game room . Adam sat and ordered a drink , I went off to the restroom . When I got back , the only seating was the opposite side of the section we took over . I sat down , but it wasn 't long until Adam and I started making flirtatious eye contact . Once the first round of drinks were consumed , everyone was ready for some games . Several of the people went straight for pool , and a group of us made our way to bocce ball . A game of four on four , girls versus boys . Lo and behold , Adam and I both were playing bocce ball . In between turns , Adam made an effort to talk and flirt with me . As the night progressed , more and more people joined . Adam tried to get me on my own , he insisted we should order another round of drinks at the bar and check out the other side of the game room to get away . When we got to the bar and ordered our drinks , another friend of mine followed and was trying to catch up with me . I gave her a look like , " Dude , I 'm occupied right now . " She quickly caught on and walked away . We then grabbed our drinks and found somewhere quiet to chat . He was sweet . A bit reserved and quiet , had a cadence you would expect to hear out of an old movie , but this only lured me in more . Not more than 30 minutes later , a friend of mine interrupted to tell me she and a group were headed to Chinatown . While I went and said my goodbyes , Adam got pulled off to play shuffleboard with Jackie and some others . I drank and watched from the sidelines , Adam and I kept making eyes , so I wasn 't really paying much attention to the game . As the game wrapped up , the birthday girl and the few others that were left took over foosball , Adam and I found a chess board to play . We chatted and played and flirted and I totally kicked his ass . As our game came to an end , Adam 's friend came up and summoned us to the bar to take shots with everyone . One shot down . " Cheers to Jackie ! " Another round was poured , without hesitation , we were all grabbing our second shots . " Happy birthday ! " Two shots and four or five drinks in , I was definitely starting to feel it . It was about 1 : 30am , Jackie was still going strong , so she said we should go to Mindy 's , another Chicago Athletic Association bar on the top floor . We made our way up , everyone ordered drinks and sat at the bar , and I grabbed a water and sat on a couch by the window to chill for a bit . I sat there watching the lighting in the distance flicker beyond Millennium Park . Not long into my reminiscing , Adam joined me . We sat in silence for a minute . It was nice . To break the silence , he asked , " How would you feel about walking along the lake once we leave ? " I was exhausted and a bit tipsy , but I didn 't want the night with Adam to end quite yet , so I agreed . An hour or so later , they announced last call . I was ready to leave to walk with Adam , but had to wait to make sure Jackie was ok . She was pretty hammered and was flirting with the bartender . He asked for her number , she gave it and lingered . I had to pull her away , the bartender smiled at Jackie as we left . We headed out , Adam and I walked together a little behind as the other three remaining souls were a few feet ahead . His friend was on a mission to get us all to the next bar or somewhere we could keep drinking . Adam looked at me and said , " Let 's ditch them . " I agreed . At the next crosswalk , the three ahead of us walked straight and we bolted right and crossed the street to cut through Millennium Park . As we approached the park entrance , we were quickly stopped by the guard , " The park closes at 11pm . " We turned and walked along side the park towards the lake instead . We walked up Randolph , I knew all along we were going the wrong way to the lake , but I let Adam lead . He eventually realized we were on an upper level street . There was no way to the lake , at least an easy route from where we were at . He asked , " How adventurous are you ? " I laughed , although I was in a dress and flats , I am still always up for an adventure . We hopped a few fences , and found our way to Lower Wacker , then to the river walk . Finally , a clear route to the lake . We walked and talked and laughed and flirted . He 's very well mannered while I have a sailor 's mouth , a weird mix to say the least . I called him out and said to loosen up , he said it just takes getting to know him before he fully unleashes reveals that he is just as vulgar as me . I don 't know if I fully believe this . The river walk merged into the pier and docks just East of Randolph . We walked along the pier and found our way to the end , the last dock was several police patrol boats , then there was a cement barrier separating the docks and the lake . We faced more fences . Adam asked , " Are you still feeling adventurous ? " " Bring it on . " I replied . He swung his leg around the fence , lifted himself above the water , and reached his leg to the cement ledge . I followed , but being shorter , plus in a dress , this fence proved to be a little more difficult than the ones from earlier . I quickly realized the way my dress was stretching over the side of the fence , it was making it difficult for me to spread my legs far enough to reach to the cement barrier . Adam saw my struggle , and reached his hand out to pull me over . We continued our journey along the cement barrier . As we walked further and further , suddenly swarms of seagulls flew up above us cawing . It was actually quite beautiful , hundreds of white birds flying overhead alongside skyscrapers on one side , the lake on the other . We approached the end of the barrier and leaned against the wall . Adam created a story about a military man and the lighthouse in the distance . His voice was soothing and somehow blocked out the noise of the seagulls . As his story came to an end , he looked me in the eye , I smiled . He smiled back . My heart started to race a little , he leaned in and kissed me . We locked lips , his hands on my waste , my arms wrapped around his neck . A perfect romantic moment you 'd expect to see in the movies . We continued to make out for several minutes . He pulled back , smiled at me , and I smiled back . We were quiet , but it was a comfortable silence . He laughed and led the way back to the pier , helping me back around the fence . We walked back to the start of the pier and luckily there were bathrooms that were somehow still open at 4 : 30am . I went in to pee , he stayed out and waited . When I came out , he asked if I wanted something to drink . I laughed , " Sure ? " confused as to where he would get us drinks . Turns out not only were the bathrooms left unlocked , the patio by the bathroom , although gated off , wasn 't too hard to squeeze past the gate and get to the fridges which were also unlocked . He grabbed us each a sprite , then we found our way to the nearest street to call an Uber . He pulled me in and held me and kissed me and we waited for our ride to the beach . We got in the car , headed north , and were dropped off near the beach entrance . The entrance was blocked off , another place that closes at 11pm . We started walking down Montrose away from the beach , and he said , " Well that was kind of a fail ; where would you like to go . " Adam hesitated , then revealed , " I would say yes , but I actually still live with my ex girlfriend . We 've been broken up for two months , I 'm the one on the lease , she 's refused to move out , and I wasn 't putting up a fight . My lease ends at the end of the month , so I 'm moving out next week . " Red flag … but there 's always some of those . We walked back , but headed south away from the entrance and cut through the trees and grass . As we scurried through , Adam grabbed my hand as to guide me through faster . As we exited the tree covered area , we slowed down the pace and continued to hold hands as we walked . We ended up on a hill . At the top , Adam pulled me in yet again . He 's very affectionate , which I usually like , but I felt a little off with all of this . He seems way to proper for my taste , but it was still very sweet so I went along . After a prolonged embrace on the hill , I pulled away and started to head towards the beach . He followed . When we got to the beach , we sat on the ledge just before the sand . He put his arm around me , I leaned up against him , putting my head on his shoulder , watching the waves flow in and out before us . We chatted some , but the night had us both exhausted so we mostly sat in silence , taking in the view in front of us . An hour passed and we watched the sun rise . As daylight got brighter , I was quickly reminded of what time it was . I told him I should probably go home . We walked back towards Montrose , I called an Uber home . He waited with me and held me and kissed me some more . I was torn . At this point I was a little turned off by the fact that he lives with his ex still , but I enchanted by his affection . It seems like even the most well mannered boys still have at least one red flag , and this was a big one . My Uber pulled up , we said our goodbyes , and I headed home . As soon as I got home , I went straight to my bed and passed out until 3pm . Suburbia , just go home August 23 , 2016August 24 , 2016 ~ kalliepygus ~ 8 Comments Suburbia … I should have known you wouldn 't be as good as I had you painted in my head . It was too good to be true , and that is how online dating seems to go . I had Phone Date Jitters when Suburbia insisted he called earlier in July , but it went seemingly well , too well . The phone conversation went for four hours , then we even had another phone conversation that lasted about two hours the day before we finally met in person . He was sweet and easy to hold a conversation with , there were a few minor red flags , but nothing that would have been make or break for me . He lives in the suburbs at home with his dad and grandma . That should have been red flag enough , but you live and learn I guess . The next day , he took the train into the city and I picked him up . As I pulled up and saw him , first thought , he is way too skinny and short . Like maybe 5 ' 7 ″ . I 'm trying to not be that shallow , but for me , while I 'm not looking for a relationship , the guys I 'm casually seeing / sleeping with better fit my shallow desires . It was too late to drive off . I 'm not cruel . I wasn 't going to stand him up on first glance when he took the train all this way . He got in and we awkwardly introduced ourselves . He brought me brownies because during our phone conversation , I joked with him that he 'd get extra brownie points if brownies were actually involved . It was a sweet gesture , but I pretty much already made up my mind . We went to the Garfield Park Conservatory , walked around and talked a bit . It was nice , but I wasn 't really interested . Everything he said I couldn 't relate to . He has terrible taste in music , he showed me his tattoos , both amature and the ideas he had didn 't sound too great either . He then asked how much longer I plan on living in the city for and said that he 's looking for his " fairytale ending ; a wife , kids , nice house in the suburbs . You know , the whole white picket fence dream . " Those were literally the words that came out of his mouth . That was the last straw for me , but I felt trapped . He came all the way to the city and I was his ride back to the train . The evening dragged . We ran out of things to talk about . He still kept insisting that he didn 't need to go home yet . He even tried to kiss me , but I was so not into it . I did a quick giggle and turn as to let him kiss my cheek . I think he saw it as endearing , he didn 't get that I wasn 't interested . He then kept setting shit up and telling me I should come to the suburbs and I hardly had room to talk . I felt suffocated . I didn 't have the heart to shut him up and tell him then that I wasn 't interested , but I also felt bulldozed into a fantasy relationship he had painted of us in his head . I was so bored and exhausted , he finally realized or at least noticed I was tired , and said he could catch the 10 : 40 instead of the 11 : 40 . Thank fucking god . I drove him to the train station as fast as I could and called it a night . The next day he texted to tell me that he was excited to see me again and can 't wait till our next date . I had to let him down easy right then and there . I don 't like to ghost , so I told him that it 's obvious that we aren 't compatible . He wants a fairy tale ending with a white picket fence , while I want to be free and travel and fuck whoever I want . When I texted him this he called and told me he didn 't understand . He thought that everything was going well and he didn 't see this coming and that he thought this time would be different . Is that bad that I continued to hang out with him out of pity ? Should I have driven off and just ditched him outside the train station ? Or told him earlier in the evening when he first so eagerly told me he had till the 11 : 40 train ? There never really is a right time to let someone down when they are that into you . Sometimes you just gotta rip the band - aid off and let them know how it is . Tinder Douche # 2 August 22 , 2016August 22 , 2016 ~ kalliepygus ~ 2 Comments Tinder Douche texted me the very next day to inform me how he couldn 't wait to nap . I wore him out . I threw it in his face that I slept till 1pm . There was some back and forth flirty banter , but he obviously was more interested in me than I was him . If it was up to me , I would have never seen him again . The sex was pretty good , but him as a person was forgettable , but alas , I was bored and the sex was good enough to keep him around if he 's hitting me up . We texted back and forth for the next two days and he finally caved . He needed me . It was obviously a booty call . It was nearly 1am . He has been drinking and in the suburbs dying of boredom . He was trying to tell me he needs an excuse to leave . I told him he could make some shit up and just leave , he 's an adult , he can do whatever he wants . He was then trying to tell me that he wants the excuse to be me , he really wanted to see me right at that moment . He begged and said he would pick me up and drive me home , and begged some more until I said yes . At the moment , it was cute . Looking back , it was pathetic . On his drive back to the city , there was a car accident . To show me that he wasn 't lying or some shit like that , he decided to facetime me while he was driving . What a dumbass ! ? Either way , he showed me that the cars were up in flames and he was stuck in traffic because of it . I wasn 't too concerned , he would get there whenever he got there . At about 2 : 15am , he picked me up . I don 't know why I agreed to let him pick me up . I should have just drove myself and met him at his place . But that is how life goes , you make decisions and shit happens . As we pulled up to his apartment , he bitched about the lack of parking . All I could think is how he lives in Chicago , and even the cherry to top it , he lives in Lakeview , of course parking is tough to find . Stop your bitching and get over it . He parked his car about three blocks down from his apartment and on our walk , he wouldn 't stop his complaining about the parking situation . Oh my god , I wanted to shoot myself . This little prick is so fucking annoying and somehow I decided to hang out with him again . On the outside , I faked it . I faked it so hard and put a smile on and said " Sorry , this does suck , " to get him to shut up about the parking . On the inside , I was cussing him out , telling him to get the fuck over it because this is how shit is in the city , sorry if you just moved here a few weeks earlier . Boo fucking hoo that you can 't find parking right in front of your apartment . We got to his place , he went straight to the kitchen and told me to have a seat in the living room and he was grabbing water . I assumed he would get me a glass too because he asked if I was thirsty and I said yes , but he walked in with just one glass which he was hogging . OK ? So I spoke up and grabbed the glass from him and drank the water I had asked for in the first place . He turned on ESPN … Once again , I was annoyed . I spoke up again and told him I didn 't agree to come over so he could catch up on the sports highlights while I just sit there . He apologized for being inconsiderate , then he surprised me by bringing up art . At first I thought he was being genuine and actually interested when he asked about my opinion about some art that was up for auction at Sotheby 's , but I quickly realized he is a complete imbecile . He was trying to argue with me about how a child could paint the paintings that were up for auction and he couldn 't understand what was so significant about the work even when I schooled him with some art history . His only response once I shut him down was , " Well , that 's not my problem . " Which made absolutely no sense . I should have left then , but I didn 't . Sometimes I wonder why I make myself suffer . Once the art argument dissipated , we went to his bedroom . He quickly went in to kiss me and the night quickly escalated . All this pent up anger and aggravation I had towards him made the sex more aggressive and hot . He pulled my hair and kissed my neck and stripped me naked and bit my nipples and played with my clitoral hood ring . He was in control and very dominant , a huge turn on despite the overall tone of the night so far . He then stripped himself down naked , I quickly noticed he had shave since I saw him last . Not only did he shave his dick bald , he shaved his entire chest . Huge turn off , but I was letting it slide because he quickly plunged his face between my thighs and took his mouth to my clit . And this is where he lost me even more . He had no clue what he was doing with his mouth . I literally had to tell him not to bite my piercing . How can he be so good with his fingers and suck with his mouth ? On top of it , once I got him to chill with the chomping on my vulva , he got to a decent licking , but nothing spectacular , he didn 't use his fingers at all . I told him to add his fingers and he seemed confused , like how could someone finger and eat pussy at the same time ? Once I got him to add his fingers , things seemed to be kind of better , but hardly comparable to what my expectations were for him based on his other skills . Maybe five minutes has gone by , and that might be exaggerating , before he gave up . He came up and gave me a " suck my dick because I just ate your pussy look . " I looked at him and told him his job wasn 't done . He then told me , " You 're lucky I just ate you that long , I rarely eat pussy . " No fucking shit . Of course he doesn 't eat pussy . That explains a lot , and now you 're expecting me to suck your dick ? I told him to get back down there if he expects me to suck his dick . He then asked if we could 69 instead . I reluctantly agreed . He was doing somewhat better , but he also kept getting sidetracked by what I was doing and kept trying to push his head aside so he can watch me blow him . I was getting no where and I wasn 't about to let him get off without hardly doing shit for me , so I stopped , rolled over , and told him to grab a condom . He bitched about that too , telling me he was so close to cumming . I told him he 's lucky I 'm still even there , then he stopped his complaining and grabbed a condom . Once again , he fucked me hard . Pulled my hair . Spanked my ass . Pinned me down . Pinched and bit my nipples . Played with my clit . It was hot . I was close . I flipped us over , told him to sit on the edge of the bed , facing away from him , I placed my hands on his knees , and sat on his cock , sliding him into my vagina . I pulled his fingers to my clit , and his other hand up to my nipples to pinch them as I rode him hard . I came . He came . We both came . I got up , and laid down on his bed as he took off the condom and cleaned up . He then laid next to me and said he was getting tired . I looked at him , and said " Ok ? So give me a ride home . " He then said " Not my problem , sounds like a you problem . Catch an Uber home or something . " I cussed him out and told him if he wasn 't giving me a ride home , I could have driven myself . Not that it was that far of an Uber ride or anything , but the ass really had some nerve . He then proceeded to tell me to leave . I got dressed , went to the bathroom , and when I got out , he was introducing me to his roommate . His roommate looked me up and down and asked Tinder Douche , " So this is the hot bartender you told me about ? " as if I wasn 't even there . Tinder Douche continued this side conversation with his roommate right in front of me and told him , " Yea , she 's pretty good in bed … too bad she wouldn 't finish blowing me . " I then told him off right in front of his roommate , " First of all , you fucking suck at eating pussy . Secondly , grow your fucking body hair . Trim it , don 't fucking shave it . You look like a prepubescent boy and your entire body felt like sandpaper rubbing against me . Thirdly … " This rant of mine continued for a good minute or two . I didn 't say anything after that . I grabbed my purse and walked out and called a Lyft . A couple minutes later , as I stood there waiting for my ride , Tinder Douche walked out to apologize . He tried to comfort me and tried to kiss me . I was beyond my limits , and pushed him away and called him a fucking asshole . He then kept trying to say he was just fucking with me because he knows I can talk shit and hold my own . I ignored him . He kept talking at me and luckily this only lasted a minute because my Lyft driver pulled up . I walked towards the car , he grabbed my hand , I looked back angrily and pulled my hand away . As soon as I was in the Lyft , I was relieved to be on my way home . That was a night from hell , and I was glad to be done with Tinder Douche . Not long after I left , he texted : He didn 't respond to that text . His next text to me was an emoji crying and a gun , which I thought was him saying he was committing suicide as a dark response to me chewing him out , but I guess he was trying to say he was tired ? Either way , I told him he could crash and burn like the cars he saw on the way to picking me up . Dark ? Yes . Sorry . But Tinder Douche is dead to me . Tinder Douche August 21 , 2016 ~ kalliepygus ~ 3 Comments As I told you already , I redownloaded Tinder again briefly Thursday , July 7 . It was about 9 : 30pm . Well within a half hour , I had a dozen matches , and several messages . One guy in particular held pretty good conversation , at least played along with my banter . I tend to dissect what people say and twist their words in a playful manner to start a flirtatious argument . For the sake of this blog , he doesn 't need a name . He was a blip in my sexual life , so this guy will only be known as Tinder Douche . Well Tinder Douche started out fun and light via messaging . At one point , he said he 's not looking to date , so I jokingly told him , " I completely understand , I 'm on here for strictly platonic friends too . " He was terrible on his defense , and said " No , I 'm just not looking to date , but I also don 't want a one night stand . " So basically , he was passive aggressively trying to see if I would be down for a casual sex / fuck buddy type thing . I responded with , " Are you sure you aren 't telling me you aren 't looking for a one night stand so I let my guard down and fuck you the first time we meet ? I 've got my eye on you . " I thought it was funny how hard he tried to say he wasn 't looking for a one night stand , but he also wouldn 't admit to wanting a fuck buddy , but also said he didn 't want to date . He was getting so worked up every time I twisted what he said . He eventually ended it with , " I like your style . You can really talk some shit . " Our flirtatious messaging went on until about 11 : 15pm when he messaged saying " Instead of messaging for the entire hour , we could have met up . " I shot it back at him , " Well isn 't it past your bedtime ? " He quickly responded to tell me he could stay up till 3am tonight . I agreed to meet up with him for drinks at a bar near me . I told him to text when he got close . He texted when he was parking . I walked down and saw him by his car . We went into the bar , he ordered a beer and I got my usual , Jameson Mule . He seemed nice , a little bit bro - y , but not too much to send me running out the door . Aside from being nice with a dash of bro , nothing really stood out to me . We were at the bar for a little over an hour when they started last call . Tinder Douche said he still had two hours before he needed to go to bed , so he 's open to going somewhere else . Being that I lived a few buildings over , I offered my place because I have a bar and rooftop . He declined because he didn 't want any chance of my roommates being around . He then offered his place and promised he would give me a ride home at 3am . I agreed and we drove to his . We went to his kitchen , he poured us each a drink and we continued to talk . I noticed right away that his kitchen wasn 't your typical 24 - year - old boys ' kitchen . It was pretty clean . The entire apartment was clean . He also told me how he knows how to cook . I was impressed . Although he wasn 't my type romantically ( he 's a bit too white suburban bro ) , he was still cute , nice , and had some redeeming qualities . At the moment , I was intrigued . I could see him being a good lay , but I 'm unsure of how far I would take it or how long he 'd be in the picture because he definitely isn 't my type . After we both finished our drinks , he suggested that we could watch a movie or something in his room . I laughed , no one really watches a movie when they 're hanging out with a guy from Tinder . They don 't call it Netflix and chill because people actually watch movies . I was hesitant , but intrigued enough , so I agreed . We went to his room and sat on his bed . He started scrolling through the TV guide and found a movie on HBO . We sat back , talked briefly , but he went quickly in to kiss me . His kisses were surprisingly full for a guy with thin lips , but being that his lips weren 't the fullest and his facial hair was well past a 5 o ' clock shadow , it was nearly like having sandpaper rubbing against my face . Not fun . I pulled back and told him to be careful , he got the picture and kissed me lighter . As things picked up , it got a bit more hot and heavy . He kissed down my neck and unzipped my jeans , pulling them off as he continued to kiss me . He then lifted my shirt off and unclipped my bra . He was pretty slick with his maneuvers , I 'll give him that . He reached down with his hand , and massaged my clit . I was in clit tease heaven at this point . Not many guys can get the right pressure on my clit that quick , but he managed to do so . Prior to this , there had been no discussion of our kinks or desires . He either had the exact same sex style as me , or he knew exactly how to read my body as I reacted to whatever he was doing . He nailed the pressure on my clit . Then he went in to my nipples , started gently rubbing them with his fingers , then built up the pressure into some squeezing and pinching , then went in and bit my nipples . I never told him I like my nipples bit , but he figured it out anyways . It was hot . Soon enough , his magic on my clit and nipples had me worked up . He had me soaking wet . He knew I couldn 't resist at this point , he looked at me wanting me to want him . I paused , I was so turned on at this point , so fuck it . I told him to grab a condom and we fucked hard . I wasn 't expecting him to pull my hair the way I liked it , or to pin me down and restrain me , or to rub my clit or bite my nipples the way he did as we fucked … . but he did it pretty damn well . Some guys just fuck me the way I want it ; he surprised me , nothing stood out earlier in the night , but he sure can fuck . He came . I didn 't . He got me so close to cumming , but alas , something about the first time rarely gets me there . I have a wall up that has to be penetrated before I trust a guy to show him how vulnerable I can be and unleash my orgasm . As we laid there naked for a few minutes , I saw the time . 3 : 20am . I told him it was past his bedtime and he should give me a ride home . Threesome ? A tale of two dicks … August 9 , 2016August 9 , 2016 ~ kalliepygus ~ 9 Comments So during my brief time on OKC , I met a dude ( Dick # 1 ) that was super hot and I was totally down for something casual , so I gave him my number . Once we got texting , he proceeded to ask about my sex history , and then asked if I have ever had a threesome . I haven 't , and it is something I really am interested in , so I told him I would be open to it . He quickly jumped in saying that we should have a threesome eventually . Eventually is the key word . Well that eventually , to me , insinuated that we would meet first , probably fuck , and then discuss a threesome at a later date . No . At least that 's not what that meant to him . He texted his friend and told him about me . I went along with it because frankly , both guys were cute , so why not ? Dick # 1 gave Dick # 2 my number without my permission . I still continued to text both of them , but to my understanding still , I was going to meet Dick # 1 first before meeting Dick # 2 . So over a few days , both of them texted me , and I was honest with both of them and answered every question they asked . I enjoy talking about sex and have nothing to hide . Well Dick # 2 kept asking questions like " What is the wildest thing you 've done ? " I told him about when I met Tampa Boy ( Red Flags Equal Fun ) and he even asked for the full story . I didn 't have time to really text out the dirty details , so I sent him a link to my blog . At this point , I really didn 't care if they were aware of my blog , they 're both down to fuck and have a threesome , I 'm sure the blog wouldn 't phase them . At least that 's what I thought … We texted all weekend , and then today Dick # 2 asked to arrange a time to meet me . I was honest , and told him I had to meet Dick # 1 first because he is who I chose to meet from OKC , and Dick # 2 is just a third in the mix . Dick # 2 got pissed , but at this point , he should have just been ok with it , after all , I haven 't met Dick # 1 yet . Either way , lesson , don 't agree to a threesome with someone you haven 't met in person yet . Also , I should really stop sharing my blog with guys I plan on fucking . Lastly , there 's some fucked up people out there , you might be getting catfished , be careful ladies . P . S . I 'm sorry to those who come to read about my real life encounters , these douchebags from OKC needed a story of their own apparently . I promise , there are several encounters in the works that I 'm writing from the past couple weeks , I just need to finish them and edit . I am all for casual sex . I enjoy it . Once he got my number , he started texting obsessively trying to meet up with me and about how he loves watching a sexy white chick suck his dick and how he likes calling women " nasty bitch . " Some chicks like that , personally I don 't . As soon as he told me that , I stopped him and said it 's obvious that our sex styles are different so it probably wouldn 't work . He then told me I 'm flakey and that I am all talk . I couldn 't help but laugh . He is trying to neg me into fucking him by calling me flakey , that shit doesn 't work with me . I know what I want and what I like ; he just doesn 't have it . Because he kept trying to push that I was all talk and no play , I sent him a link to my blog and told him to read for himself . I never do that , but he kept insisting that he knew I was fake . The incredulous douche still doesn 't believe me , so I 'm posting this blog . So this post is dedicated to you , Mike NYC . Do you still think I 'm fake ? The proof is in the pudding , too bad you 'll never get mine . For dude 's out there , have class . Yes , you want to get fucked . Maybe the " DTF " and " Suck my dick " lines work for some chicks , but if you tried to be a bit more subtle and throw in some playful banter , a chick might respond better . You catch more flies with honey not vinegar . Have some fucking respect when you 're talking to a woman . |
I have to admit I didn 't do too much in the way of decluttering this past weekend . Or maybe I did , but just not in the " cross another task off my list " sort of way . It was more of a " did a bunch of little things in different areas that all add up to a tidier home " kind of weekend . My biggest recent accomplishment in the decluttering department was to change the view in my office / guest bedroom . Every day , when I walk into my apartment , I could see directly into this room and see that huge pile on the bed . I didn 't like it . When the kittenz arrived , I anticipated that they would eventually have the run of the apartment and so I quickly started to disperse this pile , in case any little furry being was tempted to climb all over this stuff and possibly do some injury to itself . I certainly wouldn 't want that . Sadly , the kittenz didn 't stay long enough to explore further than my bedroom but I kept tidying anyway and now the view looks like this : I am amazed at how much better I feel about this mentally . As you can see , there are still piles of paper on the bed and I 'm okay with that . I could do an instant clean - up and sweep them all into a box but hey , that 's how I ended up with all those boxes of " miscellaneous paper " in the first place ! ! Plus the piles are sorted , I don 't want to have to organize them again . I just need a little bit more time to get them put away where they belong . I hope to finish off that job this week . Posted by Then we practiced colouring in faces . Here 's a photo of the face I coloured , on the left ( taken just before I ruined it by adding blush to the cheek . The watercolour pencil crayons I used weren 't suitable for this task and totally botched the look so now my doll face looks more like Bozo the Clown applied her makeup ) with the face on the right as coloured by my neighbour Anne , who did an amazing job with the eye on her doll face : After that exercise , we started cutting out and colouring our doll 's body parts . We all sat around the table and chatted while we worked , although from time to time , everything got really quiet while we all concentrated on what we were doing . I love taking classes right in the store , it 's great to be able to get up and purchase the exact supplies you need while you 're working on a project , as compared to being at home and realizing you don 't have quite the right thing to finish something . Thanks also to Bizzy B for providing the delicious treats for us to snack on ! Here 's a picture of Laura and me , and of me , Laura and Marilyn during the class : I 'm still working on putting my doll together , so you 'll have to wait until later in the week to see the finished product ( I bought myself some new pencil crayons at Michaels on the way home from the class but they need to be sharpened , so I can 't finish colouring until I take them in to the office to use the electic sharpener . Yes , I could do it by hand but there are 36 of them ! ) In the meantime , here 's a peek at the top and bottom halves of Laura 's beautiful creation , entitled " Begin Where You Are " : Thanks for a great class , Laura ! I have lost track of how many times I have seen this movie but here it is , Saturday night , and I am watching it again . And enjoying it just as much as every other time I have watched it . Gerard Butler is lovely , as is Harry Connick Jr . and most gorgeous of all , Jeffrey Dean Morgan . Yum . Besides the handsome men , one of my favourite reasons for watching this movie is to see the scenes in their gorgeous apartment . Hilary Swank 's character is always complaining about it being too small but I love the way it is decorated . I love the bird pillows in the living room and the matching his and hers dressers , especially the way the white dresser is painted . I love the way this is done . Ever since I watched it , I 've been humming the music and wondering how it was filmed . Do they move books and piece together single frames ? Is it computer generated ? How ? How did they do it ? And I love the way they list of books at the end . So entertaining ! I 've always wondered about that expression . Why do they say an animal has been " fixed " ? It 's not like they were broken , is it ? Katrina went to the vet today to be spayed . That expression is odd too . According to the Internet , it comes from a french word that means " to cut with a sword " . Which doesn 't quite explain how it got to be associated with removing a cat 's uterus and ovaries , but never mind . No more kittens for her . I hope she understands we did it for her own good . She had five little darlings , that seems like a good number at which to stop . She is really a lovely little cat . She is getting to be more comfortable with me and her surroundings . Last night , she even jumped up on the bed for the first time , just after I turned off the light . Of course , I had to turn the light back on immediately so I could see her . They say all cats look grey in the dark but I am here to tell you that a black cat just looks blacker ! She wasn 't allowed any food or water last night after 10 p . m . , in preparation for today 's surgery . She was rather vocal about it this morning , rubbing against my legs and meowing in the quiet way she has , as if she couldn 't understand why I wasn 't feeding her . Perhaps I had forgotten ? She even laid herself across the empty placemat on the floor where her food and water bowls usually sit , as if to tell me , " something is missing here ! " I had no trouble getting her into the cat carrier but as soon as she was in there , she crouched down and got very quiet . I don 't think cat carriers have a very good association for her . But she seems fine now that we are back home and she is in familiar territory again . She dashed out of the carrier and immediately headed back under the bed , but came right out again when I came back with food . She gobbled up the little bit of wet food I gave her , the vet said only a small meal tonight . Hopefully she won 't hurt herself if she decides to jump up on the bed tonight . I 'm just glad it 's all over and we can spend more time getting to know each other . The company I work for arranged for about twenty of us to volunteer today at Covenant House in downtown Toronto . They are a shelter for homeless youth , offering 24 / 7 services to kids from 16 to 24 years of age . We arrived at 10 : 30 this morning and were given a tour of the facility . They have beds for 94 people , and offer health services , meals , employment counselling and even high school classes right on the premises . It 's an amazing facility . I 've walked by this building many times over the years and never realized how big a space they have . There are two buildings side by side on Gerrard Street and a few years ago , they purchased what used to be the McGill Women 's Club on McGill Street and expanded into that space , which not only gave them more space but also the added bonus of a gymnasium . I 'm told the Gerrard Street buildings are actually designated as heritage buildings , they are full of beautiful woodwork and staircases , stained glass and high ceilings . After our tour , we watched a short video and then headed downstairs to help serve lunch to the kids . Four of us , myself included , suited up with hairnets , gloves and aprons and started dishing out food to some very hungry guests . Today 's menu was burgers and lentil soup . My all important task was to offer packages of ketchup and mayonnaise to go with the burgers . Okay , maybe that wasn 't the most crucial part of the meal but it did give me a chance to say hello to each of the kids , which I enjoyed very much . We got to eat after the kids were served and sit at the tables with them . I met a young man named Rodrigo who is staying at Covenant House while looking for a job . He 's hoping to eventually get accepted into the military , where he 'll spend a few years before moving back into the civilian work force . He said he was looking forward it , that it would be much better than the life he used to have . I hope so , for his sake . After lunch , our group split up to help with various tasks . My boss and I spent a couple of hours putting pamphlet packages together , to be handed out when Covenant House counsellors go to high schools to speak to students about their options if they are thinking of leaving or running away from home . Others helped to organize clothing donations , serve lunch at the drop in centre ( which feeds kids off the street , as compared to those currently living at CH that we fed ) , organize the kitchen pantry and clean out a supply room . Basically , we were there to provide extra pairs of hands for whatever needed doing . I first heard about Covenant House more than 10 years ago when the niece of a woman I worked with stayed there when she ran away from home . In that case , it was a teenager and her mom who just weren 't getting along ( they eventually patched things up and the daughter / niece moved back home ) but many of the kids that end up at CH have much more difficult stories than that - histories that involve abuse ( sexual , physical or emotional ) , problems at school such as bullying , drug or alcohol addiction , neglect . We even heard about kids who arrive from overseas , having lost their entire families in a war torn country or been sent by their families in a desperate bid to keep the child safe and with the hope that some day , the rest of the family might follow . CH offers all of these kids somewhere to go where they will be safe and where they can work with the counsellors there to make a plan for themselves and their future and hopefully avoid a life on the streets . I was glad to be able to do just a little bit to help out this worthy cause . It 's one thing to put a cheque in an envelope and mail it in and quite another to actually hang out on their premises for a day and see how things work . It was the kind of day that once again made me realize how very lucky I was to have the upbringing and opportunities that I did ( thanks , Mom and Dad ! ) and to see firsthand people taking positive steps to help others do what it takes to change their life and create opportunities for their future . It was very inspiring . I had been looking forward to this 3 day weekend for a while , thinking I would get a lot done on the decluttering project . As usual , my expectations were much higher than reality and now that the 3 days are over , I don 't feel I got nearly enough completed . Which is not true but unfortunately , because I can 't see it as easily , it 's harder to grasp that I did get a lot done . But I do I have a box filled with goodies to donate , I threw out two large bags full of recycling , shredded copious amounts of paper and filed away many pieces of paper . My first task ( on Saturday ) was to tidy up my four drawer filing cabinet . It was filled to capacity and every time I wanted to file something , I had to push and shove to make room . Things are much more orderly and slightly more spacious now . I wanted to make room so I could start going through the boxes of " miscellaneous paper " that I knew were lurking in the closet in my guest room , which was the project I tackled for the rest of the weekend . But in reality , several of the boxes were empty and one box was full of smaller boxes , in case I might need them to mail something to someone some day . Puhleeze . Then there 's the gym bag that I never use , with a combination lock attached to it for which I can 't find or remember the combination . Donate ! Clearing out those sorts of items is easy and instantly frees up a lot of space . There were also the aforementioned boxes of " miscellaneous paper " - that 's always a scary scenario . I cleaned out one of them but it took a while . Still , it feels good when it 's done . For some of the items , I haven 't yet got whatever it takes to let them go , even though I 'm not sure why I am hanging on to them . Such as the box full of old issues of LIFE magazine from the 80 's and 90 's , when I used to have a subscription . Or my box of Blue Jay memorabilia from the late 80 's and early 90 's , back in the glory days when the team won two World Series back to back . Or the big box containing the turntable record player I got for Xmas in the late 70 's . Not entirely sure what I am saving that for . I have another turntable in my dining room which I do use but rarely . I could let the one go , especially since it 's a big box , taking up a lot of room , but so far , I 'm not quite able to do so . Things are tidier in my closet now . I 've moved some clothes over from my bedroom , since that closet is currently where I 'm keeping the litter box for Katrina . Not the ideal location but I don 't want to unnerve her by moving it just yet . That closet may end up being a temporary home for more kittens in the next few weeks ( I have been told by the Abbey Cats people that " kitten season " is fast approaching ) , so I may need to move the rest of my clothes over as well . We 'll see how it goes . Katrina update : she is still spending most of her time under the bed but comes out much quicker when I go in to visit . She is making a little conversation now , meowing at me when she first comes out from under , as if to say hello . She doesn 't like it when I am standing , that seems to make her nervous and want to go back under the bed , but if I sit or lie on the floor , she 's quite happy to come out and be petted or eat a bit . I even picked her up today but that only lasted a second or two before she got squirmy . Then I picked her up and shut her in the closet while I vacuumed the bedroom , which I had put off as long as I possibly could . She didn 't like that and immediately tucked herself back on top of the shoe shelves and as soon as the door was opened again , she went back under the bed . Hard to explain that the vacuuming was a necessary evil but she seems to have forgiven me already . I had told myself today 's post would not be about cats but I had to reverse that decision in order to tell you the big new - I finally got to pet Katrina today ! I had been asked to find out if her nipples were engorged , i . e . if she was still producing milk , in order to decide whether she was ready to be spayed or not . We 'd like to have her fixed sooner than later so that she doesn 't go into heat . Of course , it was hard for me to find that out when she was spending 99 % of her time tucked under my bed . I thought we were making progress earlier today when she was willing to show this much of herself : So I figured luck might be with me today if I bribed her to come out with water squeezed from a tuna can . I had discovered she liked that last week , when I was trying to get her to eat anything . Tuna water was the only thing I actually saw her eat while those kittens were around and she gobbled it up like she couldn 't get enough of it . This didn 't surprise me , as both my cats used to go c - r - a - z - y over tuna water . All I had to do was pull the can opener out of the drawer and they would both come running from wherever they were and start meowing and standing up on the kitchen cupboard door like they hadn 't seen food for days . How they knew that the sealed can contained tuna , I never did figure out , but they did because if I was planning to open a can of peas , there would be no reaction whatsoever . It 's not like they could smell the tuna , they literally came running before the can opener got anywhere near the can itself . Don 't let anybody tell you cats aren 't smart ! ! I put out a small dish of tuna water this afternoon and sat down near the dish . I didn 't have long to wait . Within a few minutes , she came out from under the bedskirt , gave me a wary glance and started to drink . I tried petting her and she let me so I kept doing it . When she finished the water , she wanted more attention so I kept on petting her and checked out her belly . I 'm not entirely sure what the engorged nipples of a nursing cat would feel like but hers felt reasonably normal , so presumably she is not producing milk any more . I 've since been told that it would be very obvious if she was , so we 're good to go . She seemed to love the petting and even started purring . I almost cried , I was so glad to see her reaction . She lay down beside me and showed me a bit of her belly , enough to see she has a little patch of white on her lower abdomen , so she is not all black after all . She wasn 't quite ready to let me rub her tummy but the fact that she showed it to me is a good sign that she has some trust for me . She checked out the empty tuna dish a few more times , just to make sure it was really empty and eventually headed back under the bed . Tonight , I sat near her food and after she ate , she came over to be petted again . For the second time , she seemed quite eager for the attention , purred and did the head butt thing , which means " keep going , I haven 't had enough yet " . Both times , in petting her , I realized how very thin she is . I can feel her individual ribs . Her sleek black coat is deceptive , as her fur is thick so it makes her look fuller than she actually is . But now that I 've seen her up close , I can see how her body curves in . I don 't know if all nursing cats are that thin or whether she ate anything while she was in the shelter , and of course , we have no information about her life before she and her kittens were rescued from that shelter . She also eats like she isn 't sure where her next meal will be coming from . If a kibble drops on the ground , she carefully picks it up and eats it , not wasting anything ( unlike my darling Max , who used to routinely and carelessly spit out several kibbles during most meals and leave them scattered around the dish . ) Any morsel of wet food gets the same treatment . She also goes back and forth between the dishes of wet and dry food , as if she is afraid one or the other will be taken away if she isn 't careful . Hopefully she will soon realize that regular , healthy meals are going to be part of her daily routine for as long as I 've got anything to do with it . So there you have it , the latest update on Katrina . She eats , she purrs ! I feel a little bit like a hockey annoucer when I say that ( " he shoots , he scores ! " ) but no matter , it is definitely good news . The situation with Katrina is slowing thawing as well . Since the kittens left , I have walked into the bedroom to find her out from under the bed . She will immediately freeze and watch me , waiting to see what I will do . I speak softly to her but if I move , she makes her way back under the bed - not panicked fast but quickly with purpose . I have been lifting the bedskirt periodically to talk to her , while lying on the floor beside where she is sitting . Her posture is quite relaxed , she watches me with her big eyes and occasionally slowing blinks . She doesn 't seem to mind me being there , as long as I don 't make any sudden moves . I read on the Internet that I should hang out on the floor of the bedroom and ignore her , not make eye contact , let her come to me . So last night I watched TV for an hour while sitting on the floor . After about 45 minutes , I noticed she was half out and half under the bedskirt , with one paw stretched out in front of her , very relaxed but very aware of me . About 10 minutes later , she started to eat and drink , occasionally stopping to look over to see what I was doing . I stayed where I was and didn 't let her see me looking at her . After she was fed , she stretched out on the floor between her food dish and where I was sitting . About 10 minutes later , she made her way into the closet to use the litter box . When she came out , she stretched out on the floor behind the scratching pad and reclined there , only 3 feet away from me , for several minutes before eventually making her way back under the bed . This morning , I lay on the bedroom floor in practically the same spot and read a magazine for a while . She went through the same routine only this time she had to pass much closer to me to get to the litter box . Again , she moved quickly and was clearly ready to dash if the situation required it but I stayed still and just let her make her way past . These pictures are from this morning , I kind of like the way the flash makes it look like her eyes are glowing : Last night was the first time I had seen her standing up . I can 't believe how tall she is and how long and lean she is as well . Perhaps because I have always had longhaired cats , so I didn 't see that much detail of their body or legs . She reminds me of a panther , except her face is much more triangular shaped . If Katrina was human , she would definitely be a tall , slender super model , she is so beautiful ! Minus the eating disorder , of course , as she clearly has a healthy appetite ! ; ) Nevertheless , it was shortly before the sun set and the light was just right for shadows and reflections . I always enjoy the combination of old and new architecture in the Toronto skyline . I didn 't have my camera with me so I used my cell phone to take these photos near the corner of Queen and Bay : I can 't believe how worn out I feel today , both emotionally and physically . One of the adoption ladies called me last night after the kittens were gone and asked if I felt bereft , and that 's exactly the right word for how I feel . The whole kitten experience went by so fast , just six short days of getting to cuddle and play with those sweet little kittens . It was so intense , so joyful and fun and yet worrisome and stressful at the same time - are they eating , drinking , using the litter box ? Are they happy , safe , comfortable , hungry ? I also know part of the reason I am feeling so drained today is because I did not a good night 's sleep while they were here and after several days in a row of that , one is bound to be worn out . The first night , they stayed in the closet with the door closed and I worried about what was happening in there the whole time . After that , I slept with the closet door open , which meant that I usually had several if not all of the kittens on the bed with me at all times . By Tuesday , I figured out that if I wanted to get a full night of undisturbed sleep , I needed to move into the second bedroom and leave the kittens on their own in the master bedroom . As much as I loved waking up with five soft little balls of fur scattered around me in bed ( totally the best part of my day ! ) , there were also disadvantages . The first couple of nights , they only woke up once during the night and would sleep for three to four hours at a stretch . I 'd get up , feed them , let them play for a bit and then we 'd all go back to sleep for the second half of the night . Monday night , after being wide awake and playfully active until 11 p . m . , they only slept until 1 : 30 a . m . , then woke up again just after 3 a . m . and then again at 5 : 30 a . m . ( at which point , I got up for good ) . I was starting to understand the sleep - deprived world of a parent with a newborn ! ! Tuesday night , when they still hadn 't settled down by 11 p . m . , I did move into the spare room and ended up getting a good solid six hours or so of sleep , I just didn 't realize it would be the last night they would be here . : ( Last night , I slept in my own bed again but it was still a restless sleep , as I was worried about Katrina . I was excited when I woke up around 3 a . m . to check on her and discovered she had had something to eat and used the litter box , and even more thrilled when I woke up at 6 : 30 to find she had moved to a new hiding spot under the bed ! She seems calmer now that the kittens have left . Hopefully it won 't be too long before she feels comfortable enough to sit out in the open . Don 't get me wrong , those kittens were so adorable and so much fun , it was hard to mind when they woke me up with a gentle tap of a soft little paw on the face or a gentle purring in my ear . Although just as often , it was more likely to be one kitten or another pouncing on a hand or a foot moving under the covers or on another kitten , perhaps the one who just happened to be sleeping on my chest ( they were so tiny , I barely knew they were there . At one point , I had 3 sleepy kittens curled up on my chest at the same time , it was just so darned cute . ) When that sudden pounce or tiny scratch of a kitten 's claw comes when you 're sound asleep , it 's a bit more of a shock to your already overtired system . Of course , when one kitten wakes up , you have about 10 seconds of quiet cuddling before the others start to stir . It 's like a chain reaction , as one after the other wakes up . It seems no one wants to be the one to sleep through any of the fun ! Luckily , I had time to take lots of photos while they were here and a few videos , so I will have something to remember them by . Here 's a video I took last night , just before the first two got picked up by their new family . I thought you might enjoy seeing their playfulness first hand . You may be surprised to hear that my foster kittens are now ALL GONE ! ! I am feeling a little shocked myself and more than a little sad . Knowing they have gone to loving homes makes it much easier to bear but I will still miss them . Kittens can 't help but steal a little piece of your heart and these ones were so totally adorable , of course I had fallen in love with them right away . Jan and Jon from the other night arrived first , to pick up the two kittens they had on hold , Storm and Tornado . They were here for about an hour and there was a little bit of second guessing as to whether they had made the right choice , only because they had more time with all 5 kittens and each one is just as adorable as the next . Here 's Jan having a bonding moment with Tempest ( staring lovingly into each other 's eyes ) while Jon played with Cyclone ( out of frame ) : Next came Sean , with his wife Micky and their son , Hedo ( it was a Japanese name , not sure I am spelling it right ) , who would be about 8 , I 'm guessing . They have a 12 week old kitten at home and wanted a playmate for it . Micki fell in love with Tempest immediately although Hedo wasn 't sure if he wanted Tsunami or Cyclone but in the end , they chose Tempest . They had no sooner left than Jamie and Netta arrived . Netta immediately fell in love with both Cyclone and Tsunami and Jamie wasn 't far behind her ! They already have two cats at home , a 3 year old and a 1 . 5 year old , so that will be nice for the kittens to be part of a group again . First I had to clear out the floor of the walk - in closet in my bedroom in order to provide them with a small , contained space in which to hang out for the first little while . Having never entertained a litter of kittens before , I didn 't realize that the excitement of hanging out in the closet would only last a few hours before it was time to explore the bigger world of the adjoining bedroom . Which of course meant moving certain things in that room as well . As a result , my guest bedroom / office is now filled with a lot more stuff , most of which was hastily piled on the bed . All of this past weekend 's decluttering was done in more of an " instant cleanup , just get stuff cleared out and off " sort of fashion as compared to a long term , permanent storage and / or disposal way . Then again , circumstances required it to be that way . No doubt , I can focus more time on doing it properly this coming long weekend . In between play sessions with the furballs . And naps . I also spent some time cleaning up part of the dining room , for the time when the kittens might move out into the rest of the apartment . The photos below show the before and after of one corner of my dining room . Clear surfaces for jumping upon . Although I look at the second photo and think , yikes , better move that glass vase full of big chewable fake flowers ! ! The reality is , the kittenz seem quite content in the bedroom and the way things are going , they won 't be here for more than another week or so . : ( That 's right , the adoption process has begun ! A lovely young couple came by last night and picked out two kittens for their family , Storm and Tornado . They are now " on hold " until next week , as we 'd like to give all the kittens a bit more time together as a family before they go to their forever homes . There are two more appointments scheduled for tomorrow night . One person has a 12 week old kitten that needs a playmate , and the other person will take the remaining two if they like who 's left ( and really , how could they not ? ? ? ) . It will be so hard to let these little angels go when the time comes but if the rest of the people are like the two last night , who were almost as cute as the kittens themselves , I know it will all be for the best . Mom Katrina is doing better in a barely noticeable to anyone but me sort of way . She is still in her hiding spot but has eaten a little bit , didn 't have diarrhea last time she used the litter box ( which she finally did after , I swear , at least 24 hours without , even though it meant she had to leave the hiding spot long enough to do her business , which she did at 2 a . m . this morning , just after the rest of us bedded down again after the 1 : 30 a . m . playtime . I knew it was her because I had five fuzzies on the bed with me ! ) . She also changed positions once , so that her head was placed at the edge of the bookshelf , peeking out , rather than tucked in against the wall . All in all , this spells progress to me , one baby step at a time . The Abbey Cats Adoption people have a tradition of naming cat families based on a theme , like the " Gone with the Wind Cats " . Jan tells me that after nine years of being involved in the adoption process , having a theme makes it easier to remember the particular group . She liked the idea of me naming the momma cat Katrina so the theme for these kittens is The Weather Cats . In this case , we decided to name them after major weather events . This little guy is a real sweetheart . His storm name is Cyclone so I call him Cyclone Cassidy in honour of Kyle and City Kitties in Philadelphia . This kitten came up beside me the first night when I was sitting in the closet with them and put his paw on my leg to get my attention , then started purring away when I pet him . How could anyone resist ? All the kittens except one are black and brown tabbies but he is the darkest of all them , more black than brown . He has stripes on his tummy and a big peach patch on the bottom half of his stomach . When I come in the room to visit the kittens , he and his sister Tempest will both come quickly over to greet me , they are the most social of the kittens , although they are all quite approachable and like to be petted . Tempest ( uous Kate ) Tempest is the easiest kitten to recognize because she is all black in colour . She was originally the most adventurous and outspoken of the group , she stood in the cat carrier in front of her two sisters and meowed at me when I first saw her at the vet 's office . I call her Tempestuous Kate , after my friend Kate McKinnon , who sometimes reminds me of Shakespeare 's Kate in Taming of the Shrew except that she is never a shrew , merely a strong and forthright human being who is willing to speak up and speak out for a worthy cause that she believes in . Since Shakespeare also wrote The Tempest , it seemed appropriate to mix the two names . If you can see her feet , you can tell her apart from her siblings . If not , she looks exactly like 3 of the others ! Sometimes she acts a little skittish but other times , she is totally open and friendly , such as when I took this photo of her showing me her belly . Tsunami ( Sue ) Tornado Tom is the other brother ( according to the vet 's assistant - not sure we can be 100 % positive on their sexes as yet ) . He looks a lot like Cyclone , just a little bit lighter , a little less black in colour . I took this sweet photo of him yesterday after interrupting his nap . He was tucked up on the scratch board and sat patiently while I took the photo . Last but not least is Storm . Or Stormy , as I call her . I was thinking of calling her Fanny Storm after the Fantastic Four but I 'm not sure . She has a lot of light brown stripes , more so than the others , which helps to identify her if you see her from the side . She has a very gentle demeanour but also likes to rough and tumble quite a bit ( as they all do ) . She 's still keeping to herself , tucked into a corner on top of a short bookshelf full of shoes , behind a purse , taking cover under the clothes hanging above . She has beautiful eyes and a sleek black coat , that 's all I can see of her . She 's all black , like Tempest . She had a touch of diarrhea yesterday , no doubt from all the stress of being moved from place to place and possibly from the deworming medication . She hasn 't paid any attention to the kittens , which I find quite worrisome , although the kittens themselves don 't seem to be upset about it . As far as I can tell , she hasn 't had much if anything to eat or drink . I 'm not sure how to get her out of that corner without upsetting her , I 'd rather let her come out on her own time . Maybe she 'll come out tomorrow when I 'm at work . Notwithstanding their hazardous sounding names , these kittens have been nothing but wonderful since they arrived . I did have to lay in extra supplies ( like cat litter , some toys and a scratching post ) but I didn 't need to board up my windows or hide in the storm cellar . I have been moving a few things to higher ground though , as they explore and climb things you hadn 't considered to be doable for such a tiny creature . Normally when a storm is coming , you dread its arrival and can 't wait for it to be over . Not so with these " weather cats " . Their arrival was the easy part , letting them go will be harder . But at least when they go to their forever homes , they will be going to live with people who will love them even more than I already do in this short time and that can only be a good thing . Posted by The kittens and their mom and I all made it through the first night . They were all fine . Me ? I had a very restless sleep , worried about what was or wasn 't going on on the other side of the closet door . I 'd gone in to say goodnight around 10 . Three of the five kittens woke up and came to say hello . Two of them stayed sleeping and at the time , I didn 't think anything of it . Mom was still tucked into her secret corner - I always say hello to her , hoping she 'll get used to my voice , and then leave her alone . I made sure everything was okay , closed the door on the little cat family and went to bed . About an hour later , after a not very deep sleep , I woke up worried that maybe the two that hadn 't woken up earlier were ill . Lethargy is one of the symptoms you are to look for in a sick kitten , according to Jean , the foster care coordinator who had stopped by for a visit yesterday afternoon . I couldn 't go back to sleep , I had to get up and check . Luckily , and of course , they were fine . 4 out of 5 sleepy kittenz That was about 11 p . m . and what followed was a kitten free - for - a l . All five kittens woke up as soon as I opened the closet door and came out into the bedroom for a rousing session of what I like to call " battle of the bedskir " . They take turns running in and out from under the bed , hiding behind the bedskirt and jumping out at one anoth r . It is hilarious to wat h . After about twenty minutes of carousing , I tucked them all back in the closet ( not easy to do ) and once they settled down again , we all went to sle Around 2 : 30 a . m . , there was a crash in the closet and I knew that the ceramic cereal bowl I had used to feed them had broken . I 'm guessing someone stepped on it . Sure enough , when I opened the door , it was neatly broken in two . There were 5 sleepy kittens looking at me , so I wondered if it was the momma cat who might have done it but she was back in her hiding place . No worries , I cleaned everything up , sent the now awake kittens out into the bedroom to play while I swept the floor ( just in case there were any little shards of ceramic that might injure a tiny little padded paw - definitely wouldn 't want that ) , emptied the litter box , put fresh water in their water bowl and brought in a bit more food . ( Late night note to self - buy metal bowls tomorrow . The ones I have are too deep for a little kitten 's neck to reach down . The supplies I have are for adult cats . ) The kittens played another equally energetic game of bedskirt battle while I did all this , didn 't pay any attention to what I was up to . Afterwards , back into the closet until morning when I woke them up around 7 . They all seem to be totally healthy and happy , thank goodness . No side effects from being transported here and there yesterday . The momma cat is still hiding , which worries me , but I know she has used the litter box and I hope she has been eating and drinking . Hopefully she will feel safe enough to come out and make friends soon , I 'd really like to be able to pet her and tell her everything is going to be okay . I haven 't had a kitten in my home for about 18 years now , since I first brought Carly home . It 's funny how you forget and then quickly remember how inquisitive they are , bold one minute and skittish and easily spooked the next , friendly and yet aggressive in a teeny , tiny adorable way . Oh my , these little darlings are sooo sweet ! I picked them up around noon and brought them back to my place . I have them tucked into my walk - in closet at the moment and they seem to be enjoying it . The kittens couldn 't wait to get out of the cat carriers and explore every nook and cranny that they can reach . Next thing I know , the blanket on top of the wicker chest is on the floor , the water bowl has spilled and has litter in it , one cat has climbed up to the top of the shoe shelves and another is dangling off the bottom of a long shirt because its claw is stuck in the fabric . Yikes ! These kittenz are smart . They have already learned that the litter box is not just the bathroom , it 's a toy - jump in , dig around , jump out . Wait , can I fit into this oh so narrow opening ? Yes , I can . Oh , I forgot , I want to go over here instead but there 's a water bowl in the way - why go around when I can climb through it ? Oops , that spilled . But , hmm , while I 'm here , I 'm thirsty . Oh good , you brought more food , I 'm starving ! Hey , look , I can do a somersault . Can I eat your tail ? It 's hilarious to watch them play . They have such short attention spans sometimes and other times , they are totally focused on what they 're doing . I sit in the doorway and every few minutes , one or the other will try to climb over me and out into the bedroom , ready to explore new horizons . As I type this , I am sitting at my desk on the other side of the closet wall . For a while after my last visit , there were all sorts of scrambling noises to be heard , nails on the walls , things banging around . But now , all is quiet . I assume they are sleeping . I 'd like to peek at what they 're doing but last time I did that , I woke up all but one of them , who then proceeded to rough and tumble over , around , beside and on top of the one left sleeping . Poor little mom ( and she is tiny ) has remained in the cat carrier so far . I 'll let her get used to being here and learn to trust me . No doubt she will come out in her own time , when she feels safe . It 's cute how the kittens take turns going in and out to say hello to her . I am thinking of the mom cat as Katrina . She 's a little bit like New Orleans - she 's been through an ordeal and needs some time to heal and be safe . The vet 's assistant told me there are 3 girls and 2 boys . The black one and the one with a lighter right front paw are girls . The other 3 look so much alike , I may never know which is which . The black one is very adventurous and was very friendly and chatty when I first arrived and we were moving them into my cat carriers . I think I 'll call her Katie after my friend Kate who led me to these kittens , who is also the friendly and adventurous sort . I 'm thinking I might call the boys Kyle and Philly , as a tribute to those doing good cat works in Philadelphia ( see yesterday 's post ) , who also served as inspiration for me to take these kittens in . Maybe I should name one after Gabrielle Giffords , another inspirational survivor . I like Arizona as a name too . My first artistic addiction was beading and making jewellery , which I started doing in the summer of 2007 . Since then , my artistic obsession has grown to include art journaling . Here in this blog , I write about my own and other people 's creations and anything else that tweaks my fancy . View my complete profile |
I have to admit I didn 't do too much in the way of decluttering this past weekend . Or maybe I did , but just not in the " cross another task off my list " sort of way . It was more of a " did a bunch of little things in different areas that all add up to a tidier home " kind of weekend . My biggest recent accomplishment in the decluttering department was to change the view in my office / guest bedroom . Every day , when I walk into my apartment , I could see directly into this room and see that huge pile on the bed . I didn 't like it . When the kittenz arrived , I anticipated that they would eventually have the run of the apartment and so I quickly started to disperse this pile , in case any little furry being was tempted to climb all over this stuff and possibly do some injury to itself . I certainly wouldn 't want that . Sadly , the kittenz didn 't stay long enough to explore further than my bedroom but I kept tidying anyway and now the view looks like this : I am amazed at how much better I feel about this mentally . As you can see , there are still piles of paper on the bed and I 'm okay with that . I could do an instant clean - up and sweep them all into a box but hey , that 's how I ended up with all those boxes of " miscellaneous paper " in the first place ! ! Plus the piles are sorted , I don 't want to have to organize them again . I just need a little bit more time to get them put away where they belong . I hope to finish off that job this week . Posted by Then we practiced colouring in faces . Here 's a photo of the face I coloured , on the left ( taken just before I ruined it by adding blush to the cheek . The watercolour pencil crayons I used weren 't suitable for this task and totally botched the look so now my doll face looks more like Bozo the Clown applied her makeup ) with the face on the right as coloured by my neighbour Anne , who did an amazing job with the eye on her doll face : After that exercise , we started cutting out and colouring our doll 's body parts . We all sat around the table and chatted while we worked , although from time to time , everything got really quiet while we all concentrated on what we were doing . I love taking classes right in the store , it 's great to be able to get up and purchase the exact supplies you need while you 're working on a project , as compared to being at home and realizing you don 't have quite the right thing to finish something . Thanks also to Bizzy B for providing the delicious treats for us to snack on ! Here 's a picture of Laura and me , and of me , Laura and Marilyn during the class : I 'm still working on putting my doll together , so you 'll have to wait until later in the week to see the finished product ( I bought myself some new pencil crayons at Michaels on the way home from the class but they need to be sharpened , so I can 't finish colouring until I take them in to the office to use the electic sharpener . Yes , I could do it by hand but there are 36 of them ! ) In the meantime , here 's a peek at the top and bottom halves of Laura 's beautiful creation , entitled " Begin Where You Are " : Thanks for a great class , Laura ! I have lost track of how many times I have seen this movie but here it is , Saturday night , and I am watching it again . And enjoying it just as much as every other time I have watched it . Gerard Butler is lovely , as is Harry Connick Jr . and most gorgeous of all , Jeffrey Dean Morgan . Yum . Besides the handsome men , one of my favourite reasons for watching this movie is to see the scenes in their gorgeous apartment . Hilary Swank 's character is always complaining about it being too small but I love the way it is decorated . I love the bird pillows in the living room and the matching his and hers dressers , especially the way the white dresser is painted . I love the way this is done . Ever since I watched it , I 've been humming the music and wondering how it was filmed . Do they move books and piece together single frames ? Is it computer generated ? How ? How did they do it ? And I love the way they list of books at the end . So entertaining ! I 've always wondered about that expression . Why do they say an animal has been " fixed " ? It 's not like they were broken , is it ? Katrina went to the vet today to be spayed . That expression is odd too . According to the Internet , it comes from a french word that means " to cut with a sword " . Which doesn 't quite explain how it got to be associated with removing a cat 's uterus and ovaries , but never mind . No more kittens for her . I hope she understands we did it for her own good . She had five little darlings , that seems like a good number at which to stop . She is really a lovely little cat . She is getting to be more comfortable with me and her surroundings . Last night , she even jumped up on the bed for the first time , just after I turned off the light . Of course , I had to turn the light back on immediately so I could see her . They say all cats look grey in the dark but I am here to tell you that a black cat just looks blacker ! She wasn 't allowed any food or water last night after 10 p . m . , in preparation for today 's surgery . She was rather vocal about it this morning , rubbing against my legs and meowing in the quiet way she has , as if she couldn 't understand why I wasn 't feeding her . Perhaps I had forgotten ? She even laid herself across the empty placemat on the floor where her food and water bowls usually sit , as if to tell me , " something is missing here ! " I had no trouble getting her into the cat carrier but as soon as she was in there , she crouched down and got very quiet . I don 't think cat carriers have a very good association for her . But she seems fine now that we are back home and she is in familiar territory again . She dashed out of the carrier and immediately headed back under the bed , but came right out again when I came back with food . She gobbled up the little bit of wet food I gave her , the vet said only a small meal tonight . Hopefully she won 't hurt herself if she decides to jump up on the bed tonight . I 'm just glad it 's all over and we can spend more time getting to know each other . The company I work for arranged for about twenty of us to volunteer today at Covenant House in downtown Toronto . They are a shelter for homeless youth , offering 24 / 7 services to kids from 16 to 24 years of age . We arrived at 10 : 30 this morning and were given a tour of the facility . They have beds for 94 people , and offer health services , meals , employment counselling and even high school classes right on the premises . It 's an amazing facility . I 've walked by this building many times over the years and never realized how big a space they have . There are two buildings side by side on Gerrard Street and a few years ago , they purchased what used to be the McGill Women 's Club on McGill Street and expanded into that space , which not only gave them more space but also the added bonus of a gymnasium . I 'm told the Gerrard Street buildings are actually designated as heritage buildings , they are full of beautiful woodwork and staircases , stained glass and high ceilings . After our tour , we watched a short video and then headed downstairs to help serve lunch to the kids . Four of us , myself included , suited up with hairnets , gloves and aprons and started dishing out food to some very hungry guests . Today 's menu was burgers and lentil soup . My all important task was to offer packages of ketchup and mayonnaise to go with the burgers . Okay , maybe that wasn 't the most crucial part of the meal but it did give me a chance to say hello to each of the kids , which I enjoyed very much . We got to eat after the kids were served and sit at the tables with them . I met a young man named Rodrigo who is staying at Covenant House while looking for a job . He 's hoping to eventually get accepted into the military , where he 'll spend a few years before moving back into the civilian work force . He said he was looking forward it , that it would be much better than the life he used to have . I hope so , for his sake . After lunch , our group split up to help with various tasks . My boss and I spent a couple of hours putting pamphlet packages together , to be handed out when Covenant House counsellors go to high schools to speak to students about their options if they are thinking of leaving or running away from home . Others helped to organize clothing donations , serve lunch at the drop in centre ( which feeds kids off the street , as compared to those currently living at CH that we fed ) , organize the kitchen pantry and clean out a supply room . Basically , we were there to provide extra pairs of hands for whatever needed doing . I first heard about Covenant House more than 10 years ago when the niece of a woman I worked with stayed there when she ran away from home . In that case , it was a teenager and her mom who just weren 't getting along ( they eventually patched things up and the daughter / niece moved back home ) but many of the kids that end up at CH have much more difficult stories than that - histories that involve abuse ( sexual , physical or emotional ) , problems at school such as bullying , drug or alcohol addiction , neglect . We even heard about kids who arrive from overseas , having lost their entire families in a war torn country or been sent by their families in a desperate bid to keep the child safe and with the hope that some day , the rest of the family might follow . CH offers all of these kids somewhere to go where they will be safe and where they can work with the counsellors there to make a plan for themselves and their future and hopefully avoid a life on the streets . I was glad to be able to do just a little bit to help out this worthy cause . It 's one thing to put a cheque in an envelope and mail it in and quite another to actually hang out on their premises for a day and see how things work . It was the kind of day that once again made me realize how very lucky I was to have the upbringing and opportunities that I did ( thanks , Mom and Dad ! ) and to see firsthand people taking positive steps to help others do what it takes to change their life and create opportunities for their future . It was very inspiring . I had been looking forward to this 3 day weekend for a while , thinking I would get a lot done on the decluttering project . As usual , my expectations were much higher than reality and now that the 3 days are over , I don 't feel I got nearly enough completed . Which is not true but unfortunately , because I can 't see it as easily , it 's harder to grasp that I did get a lot done . But I do I have a box filled with goodies to donate , I threw out two large bags full of recycling , shredded copious amounts of paper and filed away many pieces of paper . My first task ( on Saturday ) was to tidy up my four drawer filing cabinet . It was filled to capacity and every time I wanted to file something , I had to push and shove to make room . Things are much more orderly and slightly more spacious now . I wanted to make room so I could start going through the boxes of " miscellaneous paper " that I knew were lurking in the closet in my guest room , which was the project I tackled for the rest of the weekend . But in reality , several of the boxes were empty and one box was full of smaller boxes , in case I might need them to mail something to someone some day . Puhleeze . Then there 's the gym bag that I never use , with a combination lock attached to it for which I can 't find or remember the combination . Donate ! Clearing out those sorts of items is easy and instantly frees up a lot of space . There were also the aforementioned boxes of " miscellaneous paper " - that 's always a scary scenario . I cleaned out one of them but it took a while . Still , it feels good when it 's done . For some of the items , I haven 't yet got whatever it takes to let them go , even though I 'm not sure why I am hanging on to them . Such as the box full of old issues of LIFE magazine from the 80 's and 90 's , when I used to have a subscription . Or my box of Blue Jay memorabilia from the late 80 's and early 90 's , back in the glory days when the team won two World Series back to back . Or the big box containing the turntable record player I got for Xmas in the late 70 's . Not entirely sure what I am saving that for . I have another turntable in my dining room which I do use but rarely . I could let the one go , especially since it 's a big box , taking up a lot of room , but so far , I 'm not quite able to do so . Things are tidier in my closet now . I 've moved some clothes over from my bedroom , since that closet is currently where I 'm keeping the litter box for Katrina . Not the ideal location but I don 't want to unnerve her by moving it just yet . That closet may end up being a temporary home for more kittens in the next few weeks ( I have been told by the Abbey Cats people that " kitten season " is fast approaching ) , so I may need to move the rest of my clothes over as well . We 'll see how it goes . Katrina update : she is still spending most of her time under the bed but comes out much quicker when I go in to visit . She is making a little conversation now , meowing at me when she first comes out from under , as if to say hello . She doesn 't like it when I am standing , that seems to make her nervous and want to go back under the bed , but if I sit or lie on the floor , she 's quite happy to come out and be petted or eat a bit . I even picked her up today but that only lasted a second or two before she got squirmy . Then I picked her up and shut her in the closet while I vacuumed the bedroom , which I had put off as long as I possibly could . She didn 't like that and immediately tucked herself back on top of the shoe shelves and as soon as the door was opened again , she went back under the bed . Hard to explain that the vacuuming was a necessary evil but she seems to have forgiven me already . I had told myself today 's post would not be about cats but I had to reverse that decision in order to tell you the big new - I finally got to pet Katrina today ! I had been asked to find out if her nipples were engorged , i . e . if she was still producing milk , in order to decide whether she was ready to be spayed or not . We 'd like to have her fixed sooner than later so that she doesn 't go into heat . Of course , it was hard for me to find that out when she was spending 99 % of her time tucked under my bed . I thought we were making progress earlier today when she was willing to show this much of herself : So I figured luck might be with me today if I bribed her to come out with water squeezed from a tuna can . I had discovered she liked that last week , when I was trying to get her to eat anything . Tuna water was the only thing I actually saw her eat while those kittens were around and she gobbled it up like she couldn 't get enough of it . This didn 't surprise me , as both my cats used to go c - r - a - z - y over tuna water . All I had to do was pull the can opener out of the drawer and they would both come running from wherever they were and start meowing and standing up on the kitchen cupboard door like they hadn 't seen food for days . How they knew that the sealed can contained tuna , I never did figure out , but they did because if I was planning to open a can of peas , there would be no reaction whatsoever . It 's not like they could smell the tuna , they literally came running before the can opener got anywhere near the can itself . Don 't let anybody tell you cats aren 't smart ! ! I put out a small dish of tuna water this afternoon and sat down near the dish . I didn 't have long to wait . Within a few minutes , she came out from under the bedskirt , gave me a wary glance and started to drink . I tried petting her and she let me so I kept doing it . When she finished the water , she wanted more attention so I kept on petting her and checked out her belly . I 'm not entirely sure what the engorged nipples of a nursing cat would feel like but hers felt reasonably normal , so presumably she is not producing milk any more . I 've since been told that it would be very obvious if she was , so we 're good to go . She seemed to love the petting and even started purring . I almost cried , I was so glad to see her reaction . She lay down beside me and showed me a bit of her belly , enough to see she has a little patch of white on her lower abdomen , so she is not all black after all . She wasn 't quite ready to let me rub her tummy but the fact that she showed it to me is a good sign that she has some trust for me . She checked out the empty tuna dish a few more times , just to make sure it was really empty and eventually headed back under the bed . Tonight , I sat near her food and after she ate , she came over to be petted again . For the second time , she seemed quite eager for the attention , purred and did the head butt thing , which means " keep going , I haven 't had enough yet " . Both times , in petting her , I realized how very thin she is . I can feel her individual ribs . Her sleek black coat is deceptive , as her fur is thick so it makes her look fuller than she actually is . But now that I 've seen her up close , I can see how her body curves in . I don 't know if all nursing cats are that thin or whether she ate anything while she was in the shelter , and of course , we have no information about her life before she and her kittens were rescued from that shelter . She also eats like she isn 't sure where her next meal will be coming from . If a kibble drops on the ground , she carefully picks it up and eats it , not wasting anything ( unlike my darling Max , who used to routinely and carelessly spit out several kibbles during most meals and leave them scattered around the dish . ) Any morsel of wet food gets the same treatment . She also goes back and forth between the dishes of wet and dry food , as if she is afraid one or the other will be taken away if she isn 't careful . Hopefully she will soon realize that regular , healthy meals are going to be part of her daily routine for as long as I 've got anything to do with it . So there you have it , the latest update on Katrina . She eats , she purrs ! I feel a little bit like a hockey annoucer when I say that ( " he shoots , he scores ! " ) but no matter , it is definitely good news . The situation with Katrina is slowing thawing as well . Since the kittens left , I have walked into the bedroom to find her out from under the bed . She will immediately freeze and watch me , waiting to see what I will do . I speak softly to her but if I move , she makes her way back under the bed - not panicked fast but quickly with purpose . I have been lifting the bedskirt periodically to talk to her , while lying on the floor beside where she is sitting . Her posture is quite relaxed , she watches me with her big eyes and occasionally slowing blinks . She doesn 't seem to mind me being there , as long as I don 't make any sudden moves . I read on the Internet that I should hang out on the floor of the bedroom and ignore her , not make eye contact , let her come to me . So last night I watched TV for an hour while sitting on the floor . After about 45 minutes , I noticed she was half out and half under the bedskirt , with one paw stretched out in front of her , very relaxed but very aware of me . About 10 minutes later , she started to eat and drink , occasionally stopping to look over to see what I was doing . I stayed where I was and didn 't let her see me looking at her . After she was fed , she stretched out on the floor between her food dish and where I was sitting . About 10 minutes later , she made her way into the closet to use the litter box . When she came out , she stretched out on the floor behind the scratching pad and reclined there , only 3 feet away from me , for several minutes before eventually making her way back under the bed . This morning , I lay on the bedroom floor in practically the same spot and read a magazine for a while . She went through the same routine only this time she had to pass much closer to me to get to the litter box . Again , she moved quickly and was clearly ready to dash if the situation required it but I stayed still and just let her make her way past . These pictures are from this morning , I kind of like the way the flash makes it look like her eyes are glowing : Last night was the first time I had seen her standing up . I can 't believe how tall she is and how long and lean she is as well . Perhaps because I have always had longhaired cats , so I didn 't see that much detail of their body or legs . She reminds me of a panther , except her face is much more triangular shaped . If Katrina was human , she would definitely be a tall , slender super model , she is so beautiful ! Minus the eating disorder , of course , as she clearly has a healthy appetite ! ; ) Nevertheless , it was shortly before the sun set and the light was just right for shadows and reflections . I always enjoy the combination of old and new architecture in the Toronto skyline . I didn 't have my camera with me so I used my cell phone to take these photos near the corner of Queen and Bay : I can 't believe how worn out I feel today , both emotionally and physically . One of the adoption ladies called me last night after the kittens were gone and asked if I felt bereft , and that 's exactly the right word for how I feel . The whole kitten experience went by so fast , just six short days of getting to cuddle and play with those sweet little kittens . It was so intense , so joyful and fun and yet worrisome and stressful at the same time - are they eating , drinking , using the litter box ? Are they happy , safe , comfortable , hungry ? I also know part of the reason I am feeling so drained today is because I did not a good night 's sleep while they were here and after several days in a row of that , one is bound to be worn out . The first night , they stayed in the closet with the door closed and I worried about what was happening in there the whole time . After that , I slept with the closet door open , which meant that I usually had several if not all of the kittens on the bed with me at all times . By Tuesday , I figured out that if I wanted to get a full night of undisturbed sleep , I needed to move into the second bedroom and leave the kittens on their own in the master bedroom . As much as I loved waking up with five soft little balls of fur scattered around me in bed ( totally the best part of my day ! ) , there were also disadvantages . The first couple of nights , they only woke up once during the night and would sleep for three to four hours at a stretch . I 'd get up , feed them , let them play for a bit and then we 'd all go back to sleep for the second half of the night . Monday night , after being wide awake and playfully active until 11 p . m . , they only slept until 1 : 30 a . m . , then woke up again just after 3 a . m . and then again at 5 : 30 a . m . ( at which point , I got up for good ) . I was starting to understand the sleep - deprived world of a parent with a newborn ! ! Tuesday night , when they still hadn 't settled down by 11 p . m . , I did move into the spare room and ended up getting a good solid six hours or so of sleep , I just didn 't realize it would be the last night they would be here . : ( Last night , I slept in my own bed again but it was still a restless sleep , as I was worried about Katrina . I was excited when I woke up around 3 a . m . to check on her and discovered she had had something to eat and used the litter box , and even more thrilled when I woke up at 6 : 30 to find she had moved to a new hiding spot under the bed ! She seems calmer now that the kittens have left . Hopefully it won 't be too long before she feels comfortable enough to sit out in the open . Don 't get me wrong , those kittens were so adorable and so much fun , it was hard to mind when they woke me up with a gentle tap of a soft little paw on the face or a gentle purring in my ear . Although just as often , it was more likely to be one kitten or another pouncing on a hand or a foot moving under the covers or on another kitten , perhaps the one who just happened to be sleeping on my chest ( they were so tiny , I barely knew they were there . At one point , I had 3 sleepy kittens curled up on my chest at the same time , it was just so darned cute . ) When that sudden pounce or tiny scratch of a kitten 's claw comes when you 're sound asleep , it 's a bit more of a shock to your already overtired system . Of course , when one kitten wakes up , you have about 10 seconds of quiet cuddling before the others start to stir . It 's like a chain reaction , as one after the other wakes up . It seems no one wants to be the one to sleep through any of the fun ! Luckily , I had time to take lots of photos while they were here and a few videos , so I will have something to remember them by . Here 's a video I took last night , just before the first two got picked up by their new family . I thought you might enjoy seeing their playfulness first hand . You may be surprised to hear that my foster kittens are now ALL GONE ! ! I am feeling a little shocked myself and more than a little sad . Knowing they have gone to loving homes makes it much easier to bear but I will still miss them . Kittens can 't help but steal a little piece of your heart and these ones were so totally adorable , of course I had fallen in love with them right away . Jan and Jon from the other night arrived first , to pick up the two kittens they had on hold , Storm and Tornado . They were here for about an hour and there was a little bit of second guessing as to whether they had made the right choice , only because they had more time with all 5 kittens and each one is just as adorable as the next . Here 's Jan having a bonding moment with Tempest ( staring lovingly into each other 's eyes ) while Jon played with Cyclone ( out of frame ) : Next came Sean , with his wife Micky and their son , Hedo ( it was a Japanese name , not sure I am spelling it right ) , who would be about 8 , I 'm guessing . They have a 12 week old kitten at home and wanted a playmate for it . Micki fell in love with Tempest immediately although Hedo wasn 't sure if he wanted Tsunami or Cyclone but in the end , they chose Tempest . They had no sooner left than Jamie and Netta arrived . Netta immediately fell in love with both Cyclone and Tsunami and Jamie wasn 't far behind her ! They already have two cats at home , a 3 year old and a 1 . 5 year old , so that will be nice for the kittens to be part of a group again . First I had to clear out the floor of the walk - in closet in my bedroom in order to provide them with a small , contained space in which to hang out for the first little while . Having never entertained a litter of kittens before , I didn 't realize that the excitement of hanging out in the closet would only last a few hours before it was time to explore the bigger world of the adjoining bedroom . Which of course meant moving certain things in that room as well . As a result , my guest bedroom / office is now filled with a lot more stuff , most of which was hastily piled on the bed . All of this past weekend 's decluttering was done in more of an " instant cleanup , just get stuff cleared out and off " sort of fashion as compared to a long term , permanent storage and / or disposal way . Then again , circumstances required it to be that way . No doubt , I can focus more time on doing it properly this coming long weekend . In between play sessions with the furballs . And naps . I also spent some time cleaning up part of the dining room , for the time when the kittens might move out into the rest of the apartment . The photos below show the before and after of one corner of my dining room . Clear surfaces for jumping upon . Although I look at the second photo and think , yikes , better move that glass vase full of big chewable fake flowers ! ! The reality is , the kittenz seem quite content in the bedroom and the way things are going , they won 't be here for more than another week or so . : ( That 's right , the adoption process has begun ! A lovely young couple came by last night and picked out two kittens for their family , Storm and Tornado . They are now " on hold " until next week , as we 'd like to give all the kittens a bit more time together as a family before they go to their forever homes . There are two more appointments scheduled for tomorrow night . One person has a 12 week old kitten that needs a playmate , and the other person will take the remaining two if they like who 's left ( and really , how could they not ? ? ? ) . It will be so hard to let these little angels go when the time comes but if the rest of the people are like the two last night , who were almost as cute as the kittens themselves , I know it will all be for the best . Mom Katrina is doing better in a barely noticeable to anyone but me sort of way . She is still in her hiding spot but has eaten a little bit , didn 't have diarrhea last time she used the litter box ( which she finally did after , I swear , at least 24 hours without , even though it meant she had to leave the hiding spot long enough to do her business , which she did at 2 a . m . this morning , just after the rest of us bedded down again after the 1 : 30 a . m . playtime . I knew it was her because I had five fuzzies on the bed with me ! ) . She also changed positions once , so that her head was placed at the edge of the bookshelf , peeking out , rather than tucked in against the wall . All in all , this spells progress to me , one baby step at a time . The Abbey Cats Adoption people have a tradition of naming cat families based on a theme , like the " Gone with the Wind Cats " . Jan tells me that after nine years of being involved in the adoption process , having a theme makes it easier to remember the particular group . She liked the idea of me naming the momma cat Katrina so the theme for these kittens is The Weather Cats . In this case , we decided to name them after major weather events . This little guy is a real sweetheart . His storm name is Cyclone so I call him Cyclone Cassidy in honour of Kyle and City Kitties in Philadelphia . This kitten came up beside me the first night when I was sitting in the closet with them and put his paw on my leg to get my attention , then started purring away when I pet him . How could anyone resist ? All the kittens except one are black and brown tabbies but he is the darkest of all them , more black than brown . He has stripes on his tummy and a big peach patch on the bottom half of his stomach . When I come in the room to visit the kittens , he and his sister Tempest will both come quickly over to greet me , they are the most social of the kittens , although they are all quite approachable and like to be petted . Tempest ( uous Kate ) Tempest is the easiest kitten to recognize because she is all black in colour . She was originally the most adventurous and outspoken of the group , she stood in the cat carrier in front of her two sisters and meowed at me when I first saw her at the vet 's office . I call her Tempestuous Kate , after my friend Kate McKinnon , who sometimes reminds me of Shakespeare 's Kate in Taming of the Shrew except that she is never a shrew , merely a strong and forthright human being who is willing to speak up and speak out for a worthy cause that she believes in . Since Shakespeare also wrote The Tempest , it seemed appropriate to mix the two names . If you can see her feet , you can tell her apart from her siblings . If not , she looks exactly like 3 of the others ! Sometimes she acts a little skittish but other times , she is totally open and friendly , such as when I took this photo of her showing me her belly . Tsunami ( Sue ) Tornado Tom is the other brother ( according to the vet 's assistant - not sure we can be 100 % positive on their sexes as yet ) . He looks a lot like Cyclone , just a little bit lighter , a little less black in colour . I took this sweet photo of him yesterday after interrupting his nap . He was tucked up on the scratch board and sat patiently while I took the photo . Last but not least is Storm . Or Stormy , as I call her . I was thinking of calling her Fanny Storm after the Fantastic Four but I 'm not sure . She has a lot of light brown stripes , more so than the others , which helps to identify her if you see her from the side . She has a very gentle demeanour but also likes to rough and tumble quite a bit ( as they all do ) . She 's still keeping to herself , tucked into a corner on top of a short bookshelf full of shoes , behind a purse , taking cover under the clothes hanging above . She has beautiful eyes and a sleek black coat , that 's all I can see of her . She 's all black , like Tempest . She had a touch of diarrhea yesterday , no doubt from all the stress of being moved from place to place and possibly from the deworming medication . She hasn 't paid any attention to the kittens , which I find quite worrisome , although the kittens themselves don 't seem to be upset about it . As far as I can tell , she hasn 't had much if anything to eat or drink . I 'm not sure how to get her out of that corner without upsetting her , I 'd rather let her come out on her own time . Maybe she 'll come out tomorrow when I 'm at work . Notwithstanding their hazardous sounding names , these kittens have been nothing but wonderful since they arrived . I did have to lay in extra supplies ( like cat litter , some toys and a scratching post ) but I didn 't need to board up my windows or hide in the storm cellar . I have been moving a few things to higher ground though , as they explore and climb things you hadn 't considered to be doable for such a tiny creature . Normally when a storm is coming , you dread its arrival and can 't wait for it to be over . Not so with these " weather cats " . Their arrival was the easy part , letting them go will be harder . But at least when they go to their forever homes , they will be going to live with people who will love them even more than I already do in this short time and that can only be a good thing . Posted by The kittens and their mom and I all made it through the first night . They were all fine . Me ? I had a very restless sleep , worried about what was or wasn 't going on on the other side of the closet door . I 'd gone in to say goodnight around 10 . Three of the five kittens woke up and came to say hello . Two of them stayed sleeping and at the time , I didn 't think anything of it . Mom was still tucked into her secret corner - I always say hello to her , hoping she 'll get used to my voice , and then leave her alone . I made sure everything was okay , closed the door on the little cat family and went to bed . About an hour later , after a not very deep sleep , I woke up worried that maybe the two that hadn 't woken up earlier were ill . Lethargy is one of the symptoms you are to look for in a sick kitten , according to Jean , the foster care coordinator who had stopped by for a visit yesterday afternoon . I couldn 't go back to sleep , I had to get up and check . Luckily , and of course , they were fine . 4 out of 5 sleepy kittenz That was about 11 p . m . and what followed was a kitten free - for - a l . All five kittens woke up as soon as I opened the closet door and came out into the bedroom for a rousing session of what I like to call " battle of the bedskir " . They take turns running in and out from under the bed , hiding behind the bedskirt and jumping out at one anoth r . It is hilarious to wat h . After about twenty minutes of carousing , I tucked them all back in the closet ( not easy to do ) and once they settled down again , we all went to sle Around 2 : 30 a . m . , there was a crash in the closet and I knew that the ceramic cereal bowl I had used to feed them had broken . I 'm guessing someone stepped on it . Sure enough , when I opened the door , it was neatly broken in two . There were 5 sleepy kittens looking at me , so I wondered if it was the momma cat who might have done it but she was back in her hiding place . No worries , I cleaned everything up , sent the now awake kittens out into the bedroom to play while I swept the floor ( just in case there were any little shards of ceramic that might injure a tiny little padded paw - definitely wouldn 't want that ) , emptied the litter box , put fresh water in their water bowl and brought in a bit more food . ( Late night note to self - buy metal bowls tomorrow . The ones I have are too deep for a little kitten 's neck to reach down . The supplies I have are for adult cats . ) The kittens played another equally energetic game of bedskirt battle while I did all this , didn 't pay any attention to what I was up to . Afterwards , back into the closet until morning when I woke them up around 7 . They all seem to be totally healthy and happy , thank goodness . No side effects from being transported here and there yesterday . The momma cat is still hiding , which worries me , but I know she has used the litter box and I hope she has been eating and drinking . Hopefully she will feel safe enough to come out and make friends soon , I 'd really like to be able to pet her and tell her everything is going to be okay . I haven 't had a kitten in my home for about 18 years now , since I first brought Carly home . It 's funny how you forget and then quickly remember how inquisitive they are , bold one minute and skittish and easily spooked the next , friendly and yet aggressive in a teeny , tiny adorable way . Oh my , these little darlings are sooo sweet ! I picked them up around noon and brought them back to my place . I have them tucked into my walk - in closet at the moment and they seem to be enjoying it . The kittens couldn 't wait to get out of the cat carriers and explore every nook and cranny that they can reach . Next thing I know , the blanket on top of the wicker chest is on the floor , the water bowl has spilled and has litter in it , one cat has climbed up to the top of the shoe shelves and another is dangling off the bottom of a long shirt because its claw is stuck in the fabric . Yikes ! These kittenz are smart . They have already learned that the litter box is not just the bathroom , it 's a toy - jump in , dig around , jump out . Wait , can I fit into this oh so narrow opening ? Yes , I can . Oh , I forgot , I want to go over here instead but there 's a water bowl in the way - why go around when I can climb through it ? Oops , that spilled . But , hmm , while I 'm here , I 'm thirsty . Oh good , you brought more food , I 'm starving ! Hey , look , I can do a somersault . Can I eat your tail ? It 's hilarious to watch them play . They have such short attention spans sometimes and other times , they are totally focused on what they 're doing . I sit in the doorway and every few minutes , one or the other will try to climb over me and out into the bedroom , ready to explore new horizons . As I type this , I am sitting at my desk on the other side of the closet wall . For a while after my last visit , there were all sorts of scrambling noises to be heard , nails on the walls , things banging around . But now , all is quiet . I assume they are sleeping . I 'd like to peek at what they 're doing but last time I did that , I woke up all but one of them , who then proceeded to rough and tumble over , around , beside and on top of the one left sleeping . Poor little mom ( and she is tiny ) has remained in the cat carrier so far . I 'll let her get used to being here and learn to trust me . No doubt she will come out in her own time , when she feels safe . It 's cute how the kittens take turns going in and out to say hello to her . I am thinking of the mom cat as Katrina . She 's a little bit like New Orleans - she 's been through an ordeal and needs some time to heal and be safe . The vet 's assistant told me there are 3 girls and 2 boys . The black one and the one with a lighter right front paw are girls . The other 3 look so much alike , I may never know which is which . The black one is very adventurous and was very friendly and chatty when I first arrived and we were moving them into my cat carriers . I think I 'll call her Katie after my friend Kate who led me to these kittens , who is also the friendly and adventurous sort . I 'm thinking I might call the boys Kyle and Philly , as a tribute to those doing good cat works in Philadelphia ( see yesterday 's post ) , who also served as inspiration for me to take these kittens in . Maybe I should name one after Gabrielle Giffords , another inspirational survivor . I like Arizona as a name too . My first artistic addiction was beading and making jewellery , which I started doing in the summer of 2007 . Since then , my artistic obsession has grown to include art journaling . Here in this blog , I write about my own and other people 's creations and anything else that tweaks my fancy . View my complete profile |
" Well , I mean you are awfully small , you are very distinctive . Plus how many repressed memories are out there just walking around ? It might make a really good reality show , " Byron said . Byron smiled . They had no idea about cell phones , lap tops or reality television . They didn 't know about gay marriage , 911 or the internet . His mind raced at the possibilities . The waiters all high fived each other . The four men began to plan the show . It was decided they would live in a doll house in Byron 's apartment which just happened to be located in Beverly Hills . Medgar Simpson parked in the Ralphs lot and ran into the store . He did not feel comfortable leaving his apartment for very long these days . He bought fourteen frozen dinners a box of cereal bars , a six pack and an enormous bag of potato chips for himself . The then Purchased tofu , veggies and rice , brie cheese , mac and cheese and fancy wine for his guests . He drove back to his building and ran upstairs . The tiny people were sitting in their terrarium playing Sorry and using themselves as pieces . He said hello to them and got a few grudging responses . He put away the groceries while heating up a frozen meal . After gobbling it down he cracked opened a beer and made a salad , boiled water and stir fried some tofu . He opened the wine to let it breath and then poured it into tiny thimbles . When the water reached a boil he made the mac and cheese and doled out ten servings onto a set of Barbie plates . Along with the salad . He carried the meals in two at a time where they were devoured by his unappreciative charges . Several hours past and Medgar had two more beers . Dr . Peterson arrived at midnight explaining that he had given his wife an Ambien . He took each of the little people into the bathroom and interviewed them one by one . Medgar sat and took notes as he recorded the interview on his cell phone . The woman in the housedress had been Shelia 's aunt who she had caught reading her diary when she was young . The boy on the bike was a grade school bully who had grabbed at her in front of her entire sixth grade class . The man in the tweed jacket was a college professor who made fun on a poem she 'd read in class . She had repressed a memory of a time when she had peed in her pants at scary movie she 'd seen involving the Catholic Church . THis explained what Jesus was doing there . The teenage version of her was there because she had repressed her entire 15th year . David Strathairn was merely a forgotten star crush . He complained about the fact that he had been completely naked for the last 30 years . Dr . Peterson ignored his request for pants . " It 's quit fascinating , really , " the doctor said . Every one of her repressed memories has to do with some sort of public humiliation , except for that actor of course . Not only is it a great psychological study , but a sociological one as well . She grew up white , middle class and Jewish . She never had to worry about survival as a child , yet she has a very survivalist mentality . She does almost nothing now but sit and stare at the television set ; she is a completely blank slate . " Medgar felt his butt cheeks contract . Another month of playing nurse maid to the tiny people ? Still he wanted those referrals of whom Dr . Peterson had spoken . He smiled and the two men began to plan a strategy for their study . Byron sat in his office waiting for the publicist who shared his virtual office to arrive . He 'd found his card in the desk and decided it wouldn 't be a bad idea to have a partner in this new endeavor . He heard the elevator creek and crash , followed by steps down the hallway . " Yes , but before we get started . I 'm going to have to ask you to sign this agreement , " Byron handed Pikeman a single sheet of paper that basically stated that he would not disclose anything that that was about to be seen or discussed . After the papers were signed the men sat down and Byron opened the desk drawer . The three waiters climbed out . Pikeman gasped and smiled . The three waiters introduced themselves . Byron explained that they were repressed memories from a woman 's head . Then they discussed the reality show . The three waiters had been living in a luxury doll house in Byron 's living - room . They already had a bit of film footage . The three young men had been 21 for 30 years . They would all be 51 years old now . The show would focus on the three young men hunting down their 51 year old selves and bounding with them . After the meeting , Pikeman left and the waiters climbed into Byron 's briefcase . Everyone was happy accept for Sam . As they rode home in the dark briefcase he thought that he did not want to meet himself at 51 ; he wanted to be young . He did not want to be a novelty , he wanted to be a serious actor . He began to plan his escape . Pikeman sat on the bus , grateful for the air conditioning . He had given himself a whole extra hour to get to his virtual office on Sunset Blvd . He tried not to smell the stench of urine and sweat that was present on the bus . He tried not to look at the old woman who had no teeth and an ugly scar or listen to the man who sat arguing with himself about a long ago debt . As his perspiration froze and dried , he closed his eyes and tried to envision success . He would meet Peter and tell him what he could do for him . Peter would get excited about the idea and they would sign a contract together . He promised himself a victory drink at Bar Marmont . He opened his eyes as the bus pulled away from the sad madness of downtown Los Angeles and watched the faces change as the 704 drove out of downtown and onto Santa Monica Blvd . Although it was an express bus , it crawled down the road past bums screaming the bible and begging for money and then buildings and houses with peeling paint and many children playing on the lawn . It drove by hipsters loudly proclaiming their disdain for what secretly comforted them and then the Beverly Center with its tourist and its wannabes . Finally it reached his stop , where maids and shop girls dismounted the bus to serve the wealthy and discontented . He walked to his virtual office , He took the rickety elevator up to the third floor and quickly stuck his sign on the door . He walked into the bathroom , washed his armpits and brushed his teeth . He returned to his office and sat behind his desk reading the Hollywood Reporter that he swiped from the mailbox of a house , that was just three blocks away from the Wilshire Blvd . call center , where he secretly worked . He checked the clock on the VoIP phone that sat on the desk . He still had five minutes before His client was to arrive . He hoped this one would show up . He took a quick glance at the notebook that was left by one of the men with whom he shared the office . He wondered if it belonged to the psychotherapist or the life coach as he shoved it into a drawer . He heard the precarious rumbling of the elevator gasping its way to the third floor . He instinctively straightened up , then remember to slouch again . He heard the the slow footsteps of a man trying to locate an office . Pikeman 's heart sank when the man stepped into the room . He was slight and chubby and appeared to be about thirty five . He had teeth that would suggest that he was a smoker and a hairline that would suggest he was a worrier . " Well , we could try to get you on Big Brother or something . Maybe we could start by having you make some videos for YouTube . Can you do impressions ? " " Oh , I don 't want out . Well , I mean I do . But , I don 't have any talent and I 'm nothing to look at . " " I want you to let the people I deal with every day know that I 'm alive . The coworkers in the call center . My family members , the people on the bus , this really cute girl who works at the grocery store I go to . " Pikeman thought for a moment . He could create bunch of fake Facebook profiles and like everything Peter posted . He could photograph him eating at various restaurants and have a girl he knew who wanted to be a model have her picture taken with him . The two men signed a contract and Peter left . Pikeman , headed up the block to Bar Marmont . The $ 67 . 00 in his pocket made him a professional publicist ; now all he needed was a drink . Penelope let out an enormous scream as the police officer seized her arm . It turned into a buzzing noise . Penelope bolted up in bed and slapped off the alarm . She showered and dressed and went to the living room where Billy was already dressed and thumbing through a magazine . " Mike 's here , he 's prepping Tabitha for the day , " Billy said . Look , I 've been thinking . People have probably seen us around town , we stayed in a couple of hotels and our landlady back in Los Angeles is gonna notice we haven 't been around for a while . " " No , I know , but just in case I think we should apply for jobs ask around about work . That way , if anyone asks , we were having a hard time financially and we were thinking of moving here . We stayed in hotels for five days and the car for the next week . " There was a big screen television on the wall . The sound was turned off but , the close captioning was displayed . Wolfe Blitzer was prattling on about the economy . His show ended and Anderson Cooper 's show began . A picture of Tabitha was proximately displayed . " Well the story keeps getting curiouser or and curiouser . One week ago a woman robbed the Central Casting office in Burbank California . Early this morning this bizarre video featuring reality star , Tabitha Kraft was released on YouTube . In it Ms . Kraft claims that she is with the organization responsible for the robbery called the Hollywood Liberation Army which is dedicated to fighting for the rights of poor artists and actors . She makes several demands including " public transportation to be free for three months . Fairer pay rates for background actors and free health care for freelance workers in California . " Here is the video . " The video began and the patrons in the restaurant sat transfixed . Penelope nervously sipped her coffee and munched on her omelet . Billy smiled vaguely at Tabitha as if he were proud of her . " The police were investigating the authenticity of the interview , " Anderson said . " Producers of the show have refused to comment on the video or discuss the wearabout 's of Ms . Kraft . " Anderson announced that he would be having a special show that evening with special guests , including an expert on cults and a psychologist who was an expert in the psychology of fame . " That 's great , " Josh said . " If you guys will stay here for the rest of the day . I 'm gonna head out to try to hack into Reality Now 's computers . " The machine rumbled and stopped ; I stepped out cautiously . There was nothing in the closet except two rats who stared up at me after I came out of the machine . I bolted out of the closet and into the bedroom which contained many more rats . I ran to the front door , but there wasn 't one : they building had been abandon . I walked down the stairs avoiding several more rats along the way . I almost tripped over a homeless man on my way out . The street outside was just coming to life in the early morning hours and a boy skated past me on a hover skate - board . A little old lady walked by me with a small yapping dog in a pink designer bag . I did a double take and realized that the dog was actually a robot . The woman looked familiar as well , she was tall and thin with white hair and a pointy noise . I walked towards the train station to find it still open and operational . I went to buy a ticket , but discovered that the machine was not accepting cash . I went into a drug store and went to the prepaid credit card rack . The selection was very sparse and there were signs everywhere saying " Micro - chipping deadline January 31 2041 . I loaded the card with $ 100 and walked back out into the street . The neighborhood had definitely gone way downhill . I wondered if North Hollywood wasn 't the new Downtown , based on the homeless people wandering around the train station . There were many abandon apartments and several homeless shelters lining the street . I purchased a ticket which I was shocked to see was $ 10 . 00 . I asked several people on the train platform if they 'd ever heard of an antiques store called Luther 's most of them looked at me oddly and shrugged their shoulders . One man told me he could find out he rolled up his sleeve and revealed a small screen on his arm . He gave me an address in Silver Lake . I got on the train to find almost everyone staring at their arms . I looked around at how the girls were dressed . Business clothes hadn 't changed that much and skanks had taken to wearing halter - tops with skorts and high heels . I couldn 't help but notice that the majority of people looked a lot fatter than they did back in 2014 ; I 'd never felt so thin . The train itself was likely the same one I 'd ridden on thirty five years earlier ( a few hour ago ) . It had not aged well , the seats were torn and there was scrub off graffiti on the walls . I got off at The Sunset and Vermont station and headed up the escalator . Several hover mopeds raced by on the street . A couple of young white men walked by wearing backwards baseball caps and pants down around their ankles . I walked by a pizza shop called Old School Slice , boasting bacon , gluten and sugary sauce on the windows . I found Luther 's in a tiny shop on Sunset . I walked in to find a pretty young woman standing behind the counter wearing a backwards baseball cap , a Taylor Swift tee - shirt and a bored expression . I looked around the store for a moment . There were several old movie posters including Showgirls , The First Wives Club and The Interview . I looked to see if there were any posters for any of the early 21st century Oscar winners , but I couldn 't find any . " That 's signed by the author . I know you can use it you have a very educated clientele around here . Radsters love classic literature . I 'm not so old that I don 't know that . " " Ah no , Well I mean yes I 'm not Kelly . I 'm her sister Tracy . I 'm visiting from Denver . I thought she said she was coming here and I guess I must have missed her . " " I really don 't know . She never says much when she comes in here just sell her stuff and goes . We 're always glad to see her ! I don 't know how she does it , but everything is always so well preserved it looks like she bought it yesterday . " I ran down Van Nuys Blvd to the train station in the sweltering heat . I noticed my purse was still the small red one I 'd been carrying when I left and the same $ 75 . 00 was still in it . I checked the bills and found that one of the twenties was from 2014 . I tried it in the fare machine and miraculously it worked a day ticket and fifteen dollar coins spat out at me . I rode the train to my old building in Beverly Hills and ran up the stairs to my old apartment . As I was on my way up the stairs I realized I no longer had the key . I went to the management office and explained that I had lost my key , I was given a duplicate after signing a form saying I would pay $ 25 along with next month 's rent . I walked up the stairs and opened the door to my former life . I had rented the apartment the year before . I couldn 't believe my good luck in finding an apartment for only $ 1000 a month in Beverly Hills I couldn 't believe the money I was making as a psychic . It had started two years before that at a party . I was going through a rough time financially and I had been looking on Craigslist for ECT jobs when I came across an ad for a man who needed a psychic for a party . I called and told him I was a psychic and I would work his party for $ 100 plus tips . I arrived at the fancy night club where the party was being held and stumbled through the first couple of readings . My third reading sat down at the table he was a tall thin man with a large nose feathered hair and a fake tan . He said he was trying to make a big business decision . I worked at about a party a month for a year after that in addition to my phone survey job and selling my plasma . One night the same man came up to me and said that he had taken a chance and produced a pilot of a television show that had been picked up by a network . He wanted to thank me and he wanted to recommend me to all of his friends . After that I was working three nights a week and making about $ 500 at each party . I took to Googling hosts and their Facebook friends so I would seem to know more about them ; no one ever called me on it . I started to get a good reputation . I finally splurged and got the apartment . I sat at my old desk and turned on my old laptop . I checked my calendar and found that I had a party booked in Santa Monica that evening . My heart raced . All it said was the name Sampson and an address . I didn 't remember the party at all . I went to my email , but then I remembered I changed accounts and I didn 't remember my old password . I was asked a bunch of security questions and I finally got back in I searched for an email , but I couldn 't find anything . I went to Facebook and found that I was mercifully logged in . I scrolled though my messages , but there was nothing . I typed the name Sampson into my friends , and nothing came up . I looked for recently added friends and found four . I went to each of their pages and finally saw that a Chad Peterman had posted a party invitation featuring me as the entertainment . I breathed a sigh of relief and began to stalk the people who were invited to the part . I took a shower with my old lilac scented soap , donned my gypsy outfit and headed to the door . I attempted to call a cab , but my phone wouldn 't work . I located my old phone sitting on my old coffee table . I sat in the back of the cab rehearsing my old line of bullshit in my head . I 'd only met Tom , my new roommate briefly . Tom 's last roommate had run off without paying the rent and he was desperate to find someone new . I noticed that he was kind of nice looking , tall with dark hair and around thirty five . I 'd felt a bit inferior being short , a little plump and pimply with hair that refused to do what I told it to . He told me he was in the business of selling travel packages and I told him I was unemployed . I decided not to mention my former career until I got to know him better . At first , I was a bit disappointed . There was a plain storage bed with a non - descript blue bedspread flanked by two night stands . I snooped through the draws and found tee - shirts and blue jeans , a few Playboy 's , condoms and a copy of On the Road . There were pictures of family and a movie poster or two on the walls . In the drawer there was a picture of Tom shaking hands with a young Andy Kaufman and a poster from a Dali exhibit in San Francisco . I entered the closet only to find , a couple of nice suits and many button up shirts and Dockers . I moved an empty suitcase out of my way and that 's when I saw a door with a golden nob . I opened it and found myself in a small booth . On the wall of the booth were three dials one said day month and year , another said time of day and another still said location . I quickly shut the door and replaced the suitcase . I went back to my room and thought about what I just saw . It couldn 't be . It had to be some sort of joke . Maybe the apartment had been used in a movie . The next day I went to a French fry tasting focus group . I got back , with $ 75 . 00 in my pocket , feeling very full and wanting a nap . I realized Tom would be home in the morning , so I snuck into the room for one more look . I opened the closet door and went towards the booth . I heard the apartment door open and shut outside . I started for the door of Tom 's room , but it was too late . He opened the closet door and saw me . " That 's the frustrating part . You see it has limited abilities . I can travel back in time but the place lever is stuck in Los Angeles and not only Los Angeles , but this particular apartment which was built in 1976 . " Cant you just go back a couple of days . I mean you could win the lottery . In fact today is Friday , the lottery is on tonight . I said hopefully . I went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea . I could go back to any time in my life after the age of one . The possibilities seemed endless . I decided to go back five years when I had made a terrible decision to buy a used car that was a total lemon and that I had totaled in an accident . Tom set the dials while I watched . He exited the tiny room and closed the door . I pushed the start button and the room started to vibrate . There was a loud screeching noise and then , nothing . There was no response . I stepped out of the tiny room into the closet . This time it was packed full of women 's clothing . I crept to the door and opened it to find a very pink bedroom decorated with elaborate pillows and a Johnny Depp poster . I walked out the door and started towards the living room . I was stopped when I felt a pair of eyes on me . I turned to see a red - headed woman wrapped in a towel staring at me in horror . I left the Egyptian Theater after seeing Rear Window feeling incredibly depressed . During the film it occurred to me that no matter what , I would never , ever look like Grace Kelly . It also occurred to me that I would never be as talented as Alfred Hitchcock , but mostly it was the Grace Kelly thing . I stopped for a slice of pizza and a beer when I noticed a fortune teller across the street . I really didn 't believe in such things , but it 's not like reality was offering me anything to look forward to , so I headed over to see if she could bullshit me into enough of a happiness coma to get me though another two weeks of selling snake oil to the elderly at my crummy telemarketing job . I walked over to the shop and went inside . A small dog greeted me as I entered . I sat and waited in the reception area which consisted of a single fold out chair and a small round table with magazines on it . After a moment a dark haired woman , who seemed to have forgotten to wax her mustache came out and greeted me . She led me to a small back room . All of a sudden I couldn 't move . I was frozen with one foot out the door of the shop . The gypsy came and picked me up . She kept me in the shop for several weeks using me as a conversation piece and a coat rack . I was eventually sold to an antique collector from San Francisco . He had me shellacked and I currently on display in his dining room . I am called " loser on a stick as I am standing on a giant stationary parrot swing . The collectors are all very fascinated by a sculpture that can talk . I like it here , much better than the call center I had been working in in LA . I am feed very good food several time a day and when they want to exercise me they take me to the park and spin me around on the merry - go - round . The maid washes me every few days and when I can persuade her two she gives me wine or pot brownies . I 'm not sure where everyone thinks I went , although I bet my landlord is upset . I bet they were happy at the call center . I 'm not sure if this curse will ever wear off ; I 'm not even sure I want it too . " So , we 've got this kid whose been working in our department . Some hipster from Dumbfuck , Goddamn Idaho . You know the type ; He was the smartest kid in his high school class of twelve people . He thinks his an intellectual because he 's heard of Gertrude Stein even though he 's never read her , which to be fair is more than the other Dumbfuckians know . He started out as an intern and he banged Agnes so she went and hired him . " " He messed up the Hacha Spice account , by fucking posting the fact that our " fan videos were paid for . Spacha Sauce got hold of It and it was all over Twitter . Agnes feels he should be given another chance , I say , bullshit fire him . " " I think it 's not fair at all , I mean he really fucked up . Kids today feel like they have to put their whole lives on the internet . I don 't get it , are they trying to get their identities stolen ? Do they want to be blackmailed ? " " Anyway , that 's where you come in . Ya see I have a little favor to ask . You better drink up , it 's a dozy . " " Look , he should never have gotten his job in the first place . He gave Agnes some nauseating smelly artist bullshit about how he wanted to learn from an older woman ; when really he was just a horny kid who 'd fuck a dirty sock . He never demonstrated any talent for the job and we almost lost our shirts because of him . He went on Facebook and looked the kid up and found him quite easily . There were several pictures of the young man enjoying himself at various event . Going back in the kid 's history he noticed there were several pictures of him with an attractive young lady with dyed red hair and a nose ring and then there were not . Kleinman chuckled at the fact that He 'd listed a litany of famous novels as his favorite . He began to create a new profile a woman named Lolita , with pink streaked hair and a love of old movies . He found a picture in one of his own more attractive Facebook friend 's archived photo albums . He created the profile , sent a friends request and waited for the games to begin . Professor Applebaum drove down the dark , highway barely able to keep his eyes open . He was still about two hours away from the small , college in Ohio where he was to deliver a lecture on the significance of linguistic evolution in modernist and post - modernist poetry . He could barely keep his eyes open and his stomach growled with hunger . He saw several signs advertising sustenance of the greasy spoon variety . He got off at the advised exit and drove down a dark winding road that seemed to go on for miles . He saw a sign that said Billy Bob 's Truck Stop . He speed up a bit at the thought of the delectable food he was about to eat when all of a sudden a bright light flashed in front of him and he felt an enormous thud . He got out of his car in a daze . Standing before him was a little green man with antennas . He had his hands on his hips and was looking at the enormous dent that Professor Applebaum 's Honda had left in his small , square shaped space craft . " I see . Well perhaps I can just give you some money and you can go to a planet where you can get it fixed . Is it still flyable ? " " Not to where it will make it to another planet . Someone will have to come down and help me . I 'm afraid he won 't take your currency . " Applebaum and the alien arrived at the truck stop about fifteen minutes later . Applebaum was certain that someone would see them and think that his companion was a child in a costume or they would get out a shot gun and kill them both . Instead they walked in unnoticed and sat down in a corner booth . They each ordered large meals with a big basket of onion rings to share . Squark drank beer while Applebaum drank coffee . " Actually , I chose it because it was centrally located . But , that 's actually what I wanted to talk to you about . You see the demographic of the people we normally abdu … recruit tends to be low income , middle - aged Caucasians who are not particularly well educated . We 'd like to have more educated test subjects . " " We tried that on YouTube , but we only got twellve likes . People said our costumes were stupid . We can 't go on the news , someone would try to kill us . " When Applebaum awoke he was lying on a comfortable bed in a dark room . He looked out the window and so stars flying by him at an astounding rate . He sprang to his feet and hit his head on the ceiling . He sat back down and Squark came into the room carrying a note pad . Magnolia sat in her car watching Kevin , her apartment buildings handyman change the lock on her the vacant apartment next to hers . As he rummaged around looking for the right size door knob , she noticed that his left arm sported a new Bugs Bunny tattoo . She looked at the way the imaged moved with his toned , tanned arms as he pulled out his drill . A wave of embarrassment rushed over her as her reached up to wipe sweat out of his eyes . Her hand instinctively went up to her check , feeling the scar , long , raised and rough . She hoped he 'd be done soon ; she wanted to watch her show . She hoped he hadn 't noticed her siting there . She 'd just pulled in when he walked up . The last time she 'd seen him she 'd said hello . He 'd smiled politely and asked how she was , but there was a coldness in his eyes , the kind she always seen on the faces of men . Kevin stood up and reached into his back pocket taking his phone out . He went into the vacant apartment and half closed the door behind him . Magnolia grabbed her grocery bag and made a run for her apartment , closing her door just as Kevin came back out . She put away her groceries as she heard the drill resume . As she ate dinner and watched her favorite show she heard him finish and test the door several times . She heard her neighbor Max greet him on the stairs . " Still am , " Kevin said as he walked down the stairs . Magnolia she ran to the window , pulling the curtain open as he opened the door to his truck . She saw him look up when she looked out . She dropped the curtain quickly and went back to watching her show . She was unable to sleep that night . She was thinking of Kevin guarding the door to Stella 's . She got up and began to surf the web . She went to Cragislist 's Missed Connections and began to look at the ads . A woman with red hair had smiled at a man on the elevator in the NCR building and he couldn 't stop thinking about her . A woman who slept in a tent in her studio apartment , because she was afraid of spiders was attempting to romance a successful young business man she 'd seen shopping at Ikea . ' You were working the door tonight at around 9 : 00 you smiled at me when I walked in . I am tall with redish blond hair . I was with my boyfriend and a few other people . I couldn 't take my eyes off of you all night . E mail me if you noticed me too . ' The next morning she woke up and immediately went to her dummies email . There was nothing there . She checked it several times though out the day , but there was still nothing . She wondered if he even had a computer , she knew he had a phone . " Hi " she said . She closed the door and began breathing heavily . Did he KNO ? . He usually only said hello to her if she walked right by him and greeted him first . She turned on her TV and tried to concentrate on the news . She went to the window every five minutes to see if he was still there . She was relieved when she heard the sound of his truck starting and saw him pulling away . She donned her baseball cap and went out for a long walk along the river . She sat for a long time watching a family of ducks fish and drift around . Her serenity was broken by two boys walked by and made a cruel remark about her . ' Guy who works the door at Stella 's ' she put in the headline . I can 't stop thinking about you . Email me if you see this , ' she wrote in the body of the ad . She posted it and sat down to watch her favorite show . She smiled to herself as the theme music began . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Its early winter 2013 , and the snow is already getting deep in the small coastal town of Thunder Cove . Things in this picturesque tourist town aren 't exactly what they seem . Nothing in the world is what it seemed anymore , its as if the closer the world came to that fateful day on the Mayan calendar , the more the supernatural creatures of the world woke up and made their presence known . The fae are walking among us now , as are the old spirit guides and warriors of old Native American lore . The werewolf , vampire , and skinwalker populations have all taken a sudden rise , and the witches of old who had thought their powers lost to them have suddenly found themselves able to do magic again . The world hasn 't ended , but its changing . Some say for the better , some say for the worst . In Thunder Cove , the population is split in half knowing that their town is a supernatural hot spot can make things difficult - - especially when the normal members of the population are part of the food chain . RACES Graphics , skin and plot by Ara . All character profiles , threads , and plots credited to the members of Moon Bound . Sidebar by Brook ( never look back . ) of RCR , RGU , & Blank Pages < We regret to inform our members that as of now our doors have closed . We had a good run for a little while but due to real life for the admins , things didn 't work out for the site . We are in the process of trying to clean up things and do a revamp , so for those of you who are interested in coming back , please be patient . quote " Wolf That Should 've Been " Human . 22 , from Thunder CoveMated to Brayden O ' Shae . 64 posts . Played by Ara The stars are all afire in the skySometimes I get so lonely I could die . Payton Dallas was a bundle of nerves . She 'd been home for a month ( give or take a week or two ) , and due to her busy schedule with school she had yet to make an appearance at the house of the other alpha in the small coastal town . She knew him , just as well as she knew her own brother , but she was almost afraid of what he would say to her once he saw her . Silly , she knew it , but Pay had grown to worry about others thought about her - - on occasion anyway . People that were important to her were the ones that mattered the most to her . She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel of her shiny new black Jeep Wrangler in time with Daughtry 's song " Louder Than Ever " , and if it were any other time she would 've been bouncing in her seat and singing along with the song that reminded her so much of the song " Summer of 69 " . Today her nerves only allowed her fingers to move in time with the beat . She had a stop to make first before she reached Brayden 's house and in no time she was at the small cemetery that belonged to both packs . It had been years since she 'd been here and as she pulled over on the side of the small road , she parked the Wrangler and shivered at the cool air that greeted her once she got out . She reached into the back of the Wrangler with a grace that most wolves had , that she had only acquired through years of martial arts training and produced a bouquet of white lilies and a single dark red rose . She quickly closed the door of the Jeep and made her way across the well cared for land until she was standing in front of two gravestones . The two people who had been like second parents to her lay here and it had been too long since she 'd come to pay her respects to the parents of the man she was about to see . Without a word as memories of Owen and Kathleen O ' Shae played in her mind she lay the lilies at the base of Kathleen 's grave and the single rose at the base of Owens . The man had never been one for big signs of affection , so she felt that the one dark and large rose was something he would 've appreciated fromAt her request her brother had kept his big trap shut that Pay was home . She hadn 't wanted Bray to feel bad ( if he 'd wanted to see her ) , that she hadn 't come to see him right away . Jet lag and then school had sort of made that hard , and even her own father , brother , and housemates hadn 't seen much of her thanks to her either unpacking , sleeping to get adjusted to the time difference , or else she was at school in Olympia . With a steadying breath she smiled , knowing exactly how she wanted to do this as she pulled up out in front of Bray 's house . It was the same house she remembered as a child , the one that he and his father had built for his mother before she 'd died . Out of nervous habit , Pay chewed on her bottom lip and slender fingers reached up to trace the crescent moon shaped scar that hooked around her left eye , debating on whether or not to do this or chicken out ( which AJ would rag her for later if she did ) . Slowly though she gathered her courage , cracked the window of the Jeep closest to the house so that her sweet and unusual scent could drift on the wind for any wolf nearby to catch ; one specifically if he was home , and pulled out her iPhone from her bag . Nervous fingers trembled as she pulled up his screen name and typed in the first thing she 'd said to him in ages . " Hey stranger , how 's it going ? If you 're still living in that old house of yours , might wanna put your nose to the wind and take a look outside . " Brayden had been running rounds all night , he 'd finally gotten home around six in the morning and gotten some sleep . He had told the rest of the crew that he 'd be back by sunset , but he was dragging . Though he was alpha , he wasn 't made of stone . It was hard work being a werewolf and having the responsibilities that he had . He had no idea how his father did it without complaining and without showing that he was tired at all . Owen had been such a family man and had been there for his family no matter what . Brayden had yet to perfect his time management skills . There was one thing he wanted to do that he 'd been putting off , was going to visit his father and mother . He sighed to himself as he got out of bed . Taking a few steps out of the bathroom he caught a scent that he wasn 't sure what it was . It tingled his memories , but he couldn 't place it . Turning on his computer at his desk , he clicked on his music and turned up the volume . He might as well get pumped as much as he could for the long night ahead . He couldn 't wait for Saturday . It was his designated day off for his pack . Though there were two packs in the area and he knew Roland was having his pack do the same thing with the increase in dangers around the area , he still didn 't want to take any chances . Taking another whiff of the air he caught the faint scent again . Pausing as he pulled on his jeans , Bray couldn 't quite put his finger on the smell . He was probably just smelling some random person walking down town or something . Shaking his head he continued to run through the lists of things for the night . He definitely needed to make sure Sonora made dinner tonight . No more take out for the guys and her . It wasn 't good for a person to eat fast food for that long . There was plenty of food in the house for her to cook . Or for her to at least force one of the guys to cook . He felt obligated to take care of them all . Just like his father had . His father had done so much for the pack . Made sure that they were all fed , had jobs , had a roof over their heads . Bray fethe code was made by : mayu aka preparethe ; sky ! @ caution pm email ^ quote " Wolf That Should 've Been " Human . 22 , from Thunder CoveMated to Brayden O ' Shae . 64 posts . Played by Ara The stars are all afire in the skySometimes I get so lonely I could die . The message that she got in return made Payton let out a shaky and relieved breath . She was in the middle of typing out a reply to his reply of how could she forget about him when she heard the door open and looked up to see him standing there . For a moment time seemed to stand still as her eyes locked with his across his front lawn . Memories of secret talks late at night , sweets that he had snuck to her to make up for hurt feelings , smiles . . . it all came rushing back to her as if it were only yesterday . The boy though from her memories was long gone and in his place there was a man that she recognized , but at the same time didn 't . She saw his father in him as he stood there in the door of his home , but there were hints of the child she had followed , who was best friends with her brother . And in an instant she remembered how nights seemed empty without him sneaking over to talk to her until she fell asleep . How she had missed him . Payton didn 't realize she 'd moved until she was feeling the biting cold wind from the ocean and smelt the tangy salty air of the sea that was only a few yards away . The wind whipped her auburn hair in her face only to be pushed away as her booted feet carried her around the front of the Wrangler and up to the porch . As far as she could remember her eyes never left his . Not a smart move keeping her eyes locked with a wolf ; an alpha wolf at that , but she couldn 't seem to tear her eyes from his . Finally her feet stopped and she caught a good whiff of the scent that was rolling off of him . Fresh and clean ; he must 've just taken a shower . Payton shot him a small smile , weak but warm . She was unsure what to say at first and finally broke eye contact to look down at the floorboards of the porch that she had yet to step up on . It was partly in respect for his wolf and the status that he carried . Partly because she wasn 't sure if she could make those last few steps after crossing a country , the town , and then his yard . She was afraid of what he 'd say about her leaving . After a moment that seemed to stretch for a lifetime , Pay lifted her gaze again to meet Brayden 's , hers full of hope that he 'd forgive her for being a scared child and leaving without so much as a goodbye . A slender hand reached up to tuck wind blown hair back into place , revealing new piercings in her ears , and the scar that reminded everyone of just how human she was . Finally after a few moments of putting her thoughts together she had something to give him . " How could I forget you Brayden . You were the one who kept me from feeling like a total outsider when I was feeling at my lowest after a rough day . " She answered , her voice soft and carrying a hint of the southern accent she 'd picked up . It felt right to be back here , to be talking to Brayden again . Like she was right back where she was supposed to be . Pay wanted to mend the rift she knew she had caused between them after the day she had gotten hurt and had run from like a scared little rabbit . The fight had been taken out of her that day and she had been afraid of what would happen if she continued to try and fit in when it was so obvious that unless she was bitten , she never would . Payton rubbed her arms as another gust of wind blew by her from the ocean and she turned to look out at the stormy skies and waters . " Looks like a storm is coming in . Mind if I come in , or are you gonna make me run to my Jeep for my jacket so I don 't freeze ? " Pay asked him once she had turned her gaze back to him . There was a teasing smile on her eyes and sparkle in her eyes , and behind it her mind was realizing what an amazing man Brayden had turned into . Too bad she was no where near the type of girl that he would need as a partner . As soon as that thought came through she wondered where it had come from . Bray had always been a friend , nothing less , nothing more . If anything he had been more like a brother than anything . And that was as far as he probably saw her ; a sister . When his feet hit the front steps he felt himself suddenly hesitate . It was as though his body had been moving on auto pilot , but when he saw her and his eyes locked on hers , his heart nearly made him gasp with the ache it felt . It was as though all of the feelings he had felt the night he found out that she had left without saying anything to him came rushing back . She had left him alone and without any explanation . It took him a few moments to rationalize with himself about the fact that they were young and she had no way of really knowing how he had felt about her . Not to mention , she had no idea that his father had been killed . How could she know how much he had needed her then . This battle went on inside his body , but his face was frozen . He didn 't betray anything on his face for the emotions he was feeling . It was something he had learned to do when his father was killed . Never show how you feel . The battle inside him lasted for about ten seconds . The length of time it took her to get out of her jeep and make her way across his lawn and stop at the bottom of the porch . It felt like much longer , but he knew it wasn 't . Brayden couldn 't tear his eyes away from her face . It was so beautiful . Much older than the face he remembered , but what had he expected . It had been at least ten years since he 'd seen her . She showed hints of the same girl he had seen every night in his dreams and every time he closed his eyes , but she was different . She had grown into her legs , but her eyes were the same . Her beautiful warm face was the same . He felt the battle inside him rage for a second longer before he felt his heart suddenly healing over . The sound of her voice is what did it . Brayden hadn 't heard her voice in person in more than ten years . It was like sunlight melting snow . His insides began to melt . Hesitating for only a second longer before he took the three stairs at once and reached out and picked her up in a hug . Ignoring her request to come inside , ignoring everything else Brayden literally picked the girl up and spun her around in a hug . It felt good to have her in his arms , but he knew that he couldn 't keep her there for long . She had been right , he could smell the rain in the air and feel it on his skin . He 'd been able to smell it for hours now . Sure that it was raining a few miles away . Slowly he set her back down on the ground before kissing the top of her head . " Sure , come on in . " he said to her with a somewhat husky voice that was bound to betray his feelings right now . The man was a stone usually . Never cracking , never letting people see his weaknesses , but this girl was going to be the death of him he was sure of it . Swallowing he stepped aside and let her pass . He 'd have to tell the crew to take a break for the rest of the night . It wouldn 't be fair for him to take off but not give them a break . He hadn 't heard anything for days , so he was sure it was safe for a break . He 'd need a few hours at least tothe code was made by : mayu aka preparethe ; sky ! @ caution pm email ^ quote " Wolf That Should 've Been " Human . 22 , from Thunder CoveMated to Brayden O ' Shae . 64 posts . Played by Ara The stars are all afire in the skySometimes I get so lonely I could die . Payton for once in her life became nervous around a wolf as she watched his face and waited for his reaction . Did he hate her for leaving ? Was he mad at least ? She knew he 'd be able to smell the nervousness , know that she was growing anxious . That all died the moment Brayden picked her up in a hug and spun her around . Almost on instinct her arms wrapped around his neck and she hid her face in the crook of his neck , a squeal of laughter bubbling up from her throat . It felt so right to be there , in his arms that it almost hurt . She suddenly felt safer and more where she belonged than she had in years and when he sat back down on her feet , she didn 't want to let him go . Her arms stayed loosely looped around his shoulders as she felt him kiss the top of her head . Growing up among wolves you learn to control your emotions , they could sense them and smell the way it made a person 's body react , not to mention hear a human 's heartbeat race . Pay had learned how to control all that , however that one kiss totally unwravled her . She knew it was meant to be a brotherly sign of affection , but oh how her heart that had missed him over the years wanted it to mean more . Hazel eyes looked up at him , and in them the emotions she was feeling at seeing him again and realizing that he was what she 'd been missing all these years swirled in their depths for a moment before they were masked with just warmth and happiness that he wasn 't upset with her . When she heard the tone in his voice though , that mask faltered as goosebumps rose on her arms that were thankfully covered by the cream colored cropped sweater she wore and made the hair on the back of her neck stand up on end . Reluctantly she let her arms slide from around his broad shoulders where she had left them linger longer than she knew she should have before nodding and starting inside . Pay paused for a moment , sure that he was thinking about getting AJ for not telling him that Pay was back in town . At least if he was the same person she had known when they were little she was sure that was what he was thinking anyway . " Before you go and start plotting against my brother , he was doing what I asked him to and keeping his big mouth shut . " Pay told him with a playful smile after she 'd crested the stairs to the porch and turned to look over her shoulder at him . She turned to walk farther onto the porch , stopping by the door at least where it was dry from the rain that even she could smell now . Arms crossed lightly as she waited for him , eyes watching him carefully and taking in every feature that had changed with maturity and the years that had passed . He was everything that she would 've wanted in a man , if only he wasn 't out of her reach being alpha , and then of course there was the fact he saw her more as a sister ( or so she thought ) . " I wanted to come see you before , but unless it was either way late , or at oh god thirty in the morning before I went to class it wasn 't going to happen . I wanted to see you when we could have time to sit and talk . . . if you wanted to talk to me anyway . " Pay explained quietly as she again tucked errant strands of auburn hair behind her left ear and revealed the scar that he 'd never gotten to see until now . The one that had come from the day she 'd ran away from her home - - and from him . It was a perfectly shaped pale crescent moon that parted the end of her left eyebrow and hooked around her eye . There was no jaggedness to it , it was smooth and perfect as if she 'd drawn it there with a cream colored marker . Irony at its best when she finally realized what it was shaped like . Once Pay was done with her thoughts of that day and all the guilt she 'd felt for abandoning her dad , and her brother , and Bray , hazel eyes lifted once more to look into his and in them was all the emotions that she felt because of that . The apology was there before it hit her lips , as was the pain of knowing what he must 've went through seeing his father be killed . She didn 't think that her own leaving had mattered that much , if she had the sorrow over what she 'd made him go through might 've been deeper . " Before we go in . . . I wanna say sorry Bray . I shouldn 't have just left like I did . I was a scared and hurt kid who realized she didn 't quite belong . Who would never be like y ' all and that trying wasn 't going to end well . " She started , and in her eyes he could see she meant every word . " I 'm . . . I 'm sorry about your Dad too , I wanted to call or come up when AJ told me , but he said you took off . . . " She trailed off weakly , hoping beyond all hope that he 'd accept her apology and the knowledge that she had thought about him ; worried about him after he lost his dad . He could see the struggle in her eyes . She knew him so well , even after all these years - - - after all this time away from each other . She could still tell what was going on inside his head with just one look . He loved that about her . He loved the connection that they had always had with each other . The thought of losing her again caused his heart to squeeze . With a sigh , he slowly took a deep breath to calm his emotions inside . He was alpha , the last thing he needed was for his stupid best friend to piss him off so badly that he lost his cool in front of Payton when she was finally here to see him . Besides it was about to rain , though it wouldn 't slow him down when he broke AJ 's legs , he 'd feel bad making her wait for him . And even though he knew AJ would heal within a few hours , the satisfaction of causing him some pain was up there with the feeling of not wanting to cause Payton any discomfort . He weighed the options and took a hard look at Payton 's face . How long would it be before she spoke to him again if he actually broke AJ 's legs . Well , the better question would be how long could he last with knowing that she was in town and then also knowing that she wasn 't speaking to him . Not long if he was really truly honest with himself . Swallowing he took a step towards her , clearly making the choice to stay with her and spend the night with her . He did need to make a few calls though before he got too comfortable . He wouldn 't call AJ though , he still wanted his attack to be a surprise . He looked up at Payton , the look she gave him confused him , but it also sent his blood boiling with excitement . All of the emotions he was now feeling , if he had been a new or young wolf without practice , he 'd have changed on the spot . Thank god he was practiced . Shrugging he looked down at her feet and rubbed the back of his neck . " No idea what you 're talking about . I 'd never do anything to hurt our precious AJ ! " He said as he sent her a smirking smile . He wasn 't exactly being honest , but the two had scuffles all the time . Nothing seWhen she began to apologize for things that were beyond her control , for her past choices that he shouldn 't be mad at anyway , he leaned back slightly and looked at her . " Payton ! Stop . What are you talking about ? You shouldn 't be sorry for anything . You had no control over anything that 's happened . Don 't be sorry . " He took her hand and pulled her into the house . " There has to be something to eat in here . Come in out of the cold . " Just in time , he smiled to himself . He knew it was just about to rain . The rain began to fall as soon as the door clicked shut behind them . Falling in sheets over everything . Icy sheets of rain bouncing off of the exact spot that they had just been standing on . quote " Wolf That Should 've Been " Human . 22 , from Thunder CoveMated to Brayden O ' Shae . 64 posts . Played by Ara The stars are all afire in the skySometimes I get so lonely I could die . " Uh huh . . . sure you wouldn 't . ' Pay responded , arms crossing in front of her , and one eyebrow raising to disappear beneath long bangs . She knew better than to believe that line . And a line was just what it was , especially with how he called AJ ' precious ' . That one word alone caused Payton to roll her eyes and shake her head . When he told her not to blame herself , all light hearted thoughts stalled and soulful hazel eyes turned on Brayden . She wasn 't blaming herself totally , but she did feel bad that she hadn 't managed to squeeze in some time to come see him . Truth be told she had been afraid to come see him . Afraid that he wouldn 't be so welcoming of her as he was now . " Yeah . . . it sure can , " Pay murmured , her eyes shifting away from him as her own moments of losing her mom for a while , watching her dad 's heartbreak , feeling betrayed as her mom married another man and had kids . . . the accident , the tormenting at college that had turned into hate crimes . . . life really could be a bitch when she wanted to be . Again as always , Bray had a way of derailing her thoughts , though this time was not with a witty or funny remark . This time was with a touch . She felt his warm hand on the side of her face , his rough thumb caressing the pale scar that hooked around her left eye and it all sent chills down her spine . Before she could control herself , Payton 's eyes closed slowly and a soft sigh escaped her lips as her head turned into his hand . She heard his apology and the softness in his voice and then . . . then he kissed the scar . Almost as if she was under a spell , Pay felt time slow down and stop . When her eyes opened again those same hazel eyes were huge and doey and full of questions . Questions about what she was feeling for him , questions about where they stood . All before it was masked and she reluctantly forced herself to pull away from his warm hand . Once she had a small ( but easily crossable ) space between them , Pay licked her lips slightly and " I - it wasn 't your fault Bray . It wasn 't anyone 's . It was an accident . " Pay managed to get out , her voice faltering at first , full of the emotions she was trying to hide . As he told her to not apologize for anything , she still felt the need to . She knew how she 'd hurt everyone and how he had hurt ; especially after the loss of his dad and she felt bad about it . She was sorry it had happened and that she hadn 't been there like she had as a kid for him when his mom had died . Instead of arguing ( stubborn redhead she might be , and somewhere inside stubborn wolf ) , she just nodded her head . She knew better than to argue with a wolf - - an alpha wolf at that . So instead she let him lead her inside his home . It was the same as she remembered it , if not showing more signs of younger wolves lived here rather than a family . Pay hadn 't even paid the cold attention after he had traced the scar and then kissed it . Once inside though and the moment gone she was all too aware that she was shivering slightly . One of the many downsides of being human . No sooner than they were inside good and her eyes had barely adjusted to the change in light did the bottom fall out outside and Pay turned to the door and windows to watch the rain fall . " Unless this one is just a short burst . . . looks like you 're gonna be stuck with me for a while . " Pay commented before remembering he 'd said something about food . " If you 've got some hot chocolate or coffee that 'd be enough for me . I 'm not all that hungry right now . " She told him as her eyes wandered over the walls , memories flooding back with each step she took . He had seen the look in her eyes that she had let slip when he touched her head . It was confusing to him to see it . She had never shown any kind of interest in him past best friend and perhaps seeing him as an older brother type . It killed him to even think that he might be in that category . The one where you are stuck in the just friends group . There was no getting out of that group , or so heard . He 'd never been in that situation before , no girl had ever just wanted to be friends with him before . Not that he was being vain , but it was true . He tended to get attention that he didn 't want . He 'd already given his heart to Payton when he was ten years old . This look that he saw in her beautiful hazel eyes gave him hope that he wasn 't going to die without maybe having a chance with her . And since he was immortal that was kind of difficult . Turning around to watch her looking out the window , Brayden couldn 't help but smile . It had been way too long since she 'd been inside his house . He remembered when his father and him had built this house . Before they had lived almost next door to Payton and her family . But when his mother got sick , his father went into hyper drive to make as many of her wishes come true before she passed . One of the most important things she wanted was to live on the beach . She wanted to walk out of her back door and right onto the sand . His dad had made that happen . He remembered the first time that Payton had come into this house . It wasn 't finished yet , but he 'd been so excited to show someone and AJ wouldn 't appreciate it . Though they were young , Brayden had brought Payton here . He already had feelings for her at that time , though he wasn 't sure what they were . They were best friends at least . He remembered Payton at a young age , she had stood on her tip toes looking out one of the windows that was already framed in to look at the sea . She had been so in love with the spot . Telling him how much she thought his mother would love it . And she did love it , for the last few months that she lived shethe code was made by : mayu aka preparethe ; sky ! @ caution pm email ^ quote " Wolf That Should 've Been " Human . 22 , from Thunder CoveMated to Brayden O ' Shae . 64 posts . Played by Ara The stars are all afire in the skySometimes I get so lonely I could die . Payton too remembered her first time in that house as her eyes looked over at the very window she had stood on her toes to look out of . That time seemed like it was a million years ago , lifetimes . In a way she wished she could get it back , in a way she was glad for the time she had to grow up . The time she matured in and became the woman that stood now at that very window . Fingers brushed lightly against the wood that her little arms had rested on to try and help hoist herself up to get as good of a view as possible as she moved over to the window ; unaware that her memories and Brayden 's weren 't too far off from each others . That day they were both remember the sea had been calm and sparkling with rare sunlight . Today as she looked out on it , it was a stormy dark tempest that faded to gray nothingness a few yards out because of the heavy rain that was falling . Almost like her emotions were : stormy and rocky . She was unsure of herself for the first time in ages . Payton Dallas was falling for the man who might as well have been like an older brother to her , and she didn 't know what to do . " Oh shit really ? I 'm don 't know what I 'm going to do ! My girl is supposed to come over tonight . . . . maybe she won 't mind . " Pay knew part of him was teasing , or at least she hoped so , and then she heard the second line about his girl not being mad . For an instant her heart dropped , skipped a few beats , before racing . All of it betraying her if he was listening in . He would hear the unusual beat , and probably put two and two together . Oh how she wished she had learned to control that part of her emotions better . Wolves were killer lie detectors and even better at telling when someone was scared or affected somehow by something they said . Payton 's face was fairly emotionless , not showing anymore signs of how the idea that he had a girl was making her feel like it was a bad idea she was here . Then he told her he was joking . Again . Pay was relieved in a way , but at the same time she was ready to beat him , and the glare she shot over her shoulder at him was a good hint as to how much she didn 't appreciate that teasing . " Ha . Ha . " She retorted dryly as she walked over to him and towards the kitchen , playfully shoving at his arm ; knowing full well that it wouldn 't do any good but he 'd get the picture as she finally moved past him and into the kitchen . " So . Point me in the direction of the coffee or chocolate . I 've become picky about either in our years apart . " She told him with a grin as she finally turned around and leaned against the counter , elbows resting on it as again she watched him from beneath dark lashes and long bangs and admire the man he 'd become . Sure he might only see her as a sister , and he was her brother 's best friend , but it didn 't mean that she couldn 't look and admire the view . Once she was done doing just that , Pay looked around at the kitchen , remembering all the memories of his mom that she had here . " I uhm . . . I stopped by to see your parents on the way here . Left some flowers for them . If you go over there anytime soon . " Payton finally told him , breaking the silence that had stretched between them , she knew he 'd probably be able to scent the lilies and the rose on her and know what she left , she could even faintly smell the rose on her fingers when she ran her fingers through her hair . After a few more quiet minutes , Pay looked over at Bray again a warm smile on her face and her mask dropped for a moment so he could see just how much she meant the words that were about to spill from her lips . " Its really good to see you again Bray . I . . . I missed hanging out with you and AJ . " Pay told him , though she really wanted to say she 'd missed him , but figured that 'd be overstepping her boundaries a bit too much this soon . He saw the look on her face as he turned his head to look back at her . She hadn 't changed a bit , maybe gotten older and a bit more spunky , but he knew he 'd pay for teasing her like that - - - even though he was well able to handle anything she was capable of dishing out - - - it was still not fun to have a pissed red head . He laughed when she glared at him and shoved him as she walked passed him to the kitchen . It wasn 't like he was complaining to have her lead the way . He liked the view from behind , but he was a gentleman after all , so when she turned around he averted his eyes . She walked into the house like she belonged there , like she 'd been there her whole life and he loved that feeling . This girl was everything to him and as much as he hated the idea of a mate , of loving someone so much that you are bound to them in every way that you can be , he wanted that with Payton . His whole being reached out for her like she was made just for him . When she turned around and asked him where the coffee or hot chocolate was because she was picky now that she was older and more mature he gave her a look . Really ? We don 't have fancy college coffee or hot chocolate . Just regular backwoods , Thunder Cove store brand stuff . You 'll have to do with that Miss . I 'm too good for our stuff . " He teased her and took out the boxes and tossed them on the counter in front of where she was leaning . He watched her for a second . He could hear her heart beat . He heard the irregularity in it when he actually tuned into it . WIth his hearing it was hard sometimes to focus on just one thing unless you wanted to . He swallowed for a second and then with a mischievous look on his face he waited until she wasn 't looking before he literally bounded over the island in the center of the kitchen and scooped her up tickling her as he went . " Not so tough now are you ! ? " he said with a laugh before setting her down . He had smelled the lilies on her along with a strong smell of roses , so when she mentioned that she had given his parents flowers his mood suddenly shifted yet again . His inner wolf was going mad at this point . With all of the highs and lows he was feeling . It was taking all he could not to rip apart . But he steadied his breathing and looked down at her . Her hazel eyes were so beautiful it was hard not to stare at them for a short time . " My mom would have loved that . And you know dad , he 'd have said it was a waste , but he 'd thank you anyway and call you a doll . " He said with a smile and a sigh softly . He felt such a pull towards her as he stood so close to her . He still had his hands around her waist at that moment . He suddenly felt like it was now or never . He 'd waited too long and he needed her in his life now . Leaning down he stole a kiss . A soft and tender kiss on the lips . Their first ever . It wasn 't long , just a small one . Enough to show her what he wanted . Pulling away from her he looked into her eyes . the code was made by : mayu aka preparethe ; sky ! @ caution pm email ^ quote " Wolf That Should 've Been " Human . 22 , from Thunder CoveMated to Brayden O ' Shae . 64 posts . Played by Ara The stars are all afire in the skySometimes I get so lonely I could die . Payton knew he was going to tease her about her coffee or hot chocolate comment , so when the comment came all she did was roll her eyes at him good naturedly , a smile on her face . She was just about to start fixing her mug of chocolate , she wasn 't up for coffee without her usual creamer when Bray literally pounced on her and scooped her up . Payton 's uncontrollable giggles filled the house as she squirmed and tried to get away from Bray . Never would she admit she didn 't think she was tough ; not to mention she was laughing too much as he seemed to remember and exploit all her ticklish spots that he and her brother had found when they were children . Ohhh he was going to pay for this once she got where she could . Her heart was pounding for an entirely different reason as he finally put her back on her feet and she looked up at him . Her cheeks were flushed from her squriming and trying to free herself as well as from her laughing . It took her a few steadying breaths to realize her hands were resting on his strong chest as she met his eyes once more and almost had to remind herself to keep breathing . She nodded quietly as he talked about the gesture she 'd made in memory of his parents , " I can hear your dad saying that too . Its why I didn 't do that much for him , just a single rose . " She murmured , mesmerized by his green eyes and the light from his wolf she could see ghosting them . When he smiled Payton felt herself melt in his arms and was glad that she had him in front of her and the counter behind her to lean against or it felt like her knees would 've given out on her . For the second time it felt like time slowed and then stopped as she saw what he was about to do , everything seemed to stop . Time , her heart , breathing - - it all stopped as if she were in a dream as she felt the brush of his lips against hers . Pay felt his rough stubble against her smooth and soft skin and felt her heart skip a beat as she soon found herself kissing him back . It was the first time they 'd kissed and part of her hoped it wasn 't the last either . The part that was afraid though made her pull back slowly , afraid to break the moment before her eyes opened to look into his questioningly . Before he could answer though , the fear of what this meant got the better of her as she uncurled her fingers from his shirt where they 'd hooked into it during the kiss . A kiss that she could still feel on her lips and all the way to her very core . " Bray . . . I . . . I . . . " She fumbled , totally at a loss for words before she pulled herself from his arms . God how she hated to do that too , the world suddenly felt a lot colder and a lot emptier without them around her . Slowly , without thinking of how she 'd affect his wolf with what she was about to do , Pay backed towards the door before turning and running out into the rain . Payton had thought she 'd stopped running , that she was ready to face everything she had left behind in Thunder Cove , but the idea that the boy ; the man that she had come to realize only a short while ago she loved , loved her back was almost too much to handle . The moment she was out on the porch , her long legs carrying her down the steps in one leap almost , her boots short heel almost causing her to break her neck , and the rain hit her she realized that she 'd practically invited Brayden to chase her . Or at least had invited his wolf to chase her . Payton knew that running from a predator was not a smart move but she 'd gotten used to running from things that scared her . First from the pack when she was a child , to running from school with the hate crimes against those who sympathized with the supernatural world . Sure those were for her own safety in the long run , but it was still running . And now she was running from Bray , from what she had probably instigated and what she knew she wanted . How could he see her like that though ? How could he see the girl who was more like a little sister . . . in that way ? Had she missed something all these years ? Her mind and heart were torn and storming as much as the skies and sea , and for once Payton was lost in that sea with no hoptag brayden | 825 words | outfit | this post is done ! | notes : hope you like it ! . The feeling of her in his arms was everything he needed . He hadn 't felt whole , or like a normal person since his mother had passed away . Since then he had been struggling for air . Like he was drowning and nothing he did was good enough . He couldn 't struggle for air and life any longer . Then suddenly this girl showed back up and was breathing life back into him . He wasn 't struggling with her in his arms , she was offering him more than just a boat . It was everything he needed . As he pulled away from her he saw it in her eyes . He saw the fear . The struggle that was going on inside her . He waited to see which would win out . It was like that moment was frozen in time . He could feel her heart pounding against him and in his ears . It was pound so loudly that it was causing his wolf to pulse . He wanted to let him out , but he wouldn 't dare let him out near this girl . Though he could pretty much control himself when he was in wolf form , he wouldn 't chance anything around her . That 's the second when he saw the choice her body was making . It was as though he could hear it before she knew it was going to actually happen or before her body reacted to the choice . He felt his heart literally shattering and crushing into pieces as her fingers released his shirt and she ran from his arms . His human self watched her run from the room , down the hall , passed the pictures and out of the door . He heard her on the porch and on the steps before he let into his wolf instinct to follow her . He could feel the guttural growl down in his belly as it ripped up and out of his throat . It was more of a mix between pain , anger , betrayal , and frustration . It took him less than a second to catch up with her . The rain , he felt it on his hot skin . The icy sheets crashed down on him as he planted his feet firmly on the ground . " PAYTON ! " He snarled . " You can 't run from everything ! You know you can 't ! What more do I have to do to get your attention ! " He took a few steps to reach her . Grabbing her arms he spun her around to face him . Both of them soaked . The bone chilling rain steadied him . It cooled his burning skin and his monster within . He gripped her arms and shook her roughly , but not enough to hurt her . " You 're so stupid ! How can you run from this ? It 's too strong for either of us to ignore and yet you 're willing to throw it all away for what ? Nothing ! " He 'd been shouting at her the entire time . Letting her arms go he took a few steps back from her panting . Letting the rain hit him waiting for her to turn and run . He wasn 't going to chase her anymore . He 'd done everything he could . If she didn 't know how he felt about her by now she 'd never know . His entire body shook with emotions . He couldn 't feel the cold , but he knew she could . There wasn 't anything he could do to stop this moment from happening . It wasn 't like he thought it was going to happen , but he couldn 't keep it in any longer . He needed to have her in his life or not at all . He needed to know where she stood . If she only thought of him as an older brother than there wasn 't anything he could do about that . He could only give her a hug and let her go . If that 's what she wanted . The sky above them was black with anger and the rain poured out all the feelings he was feeling at that moment . quote " Wolf That Should 've Been " Human . 22 , from Thunder CoveMated to Brayden O ' Shae . 64 posts . Played by Ara The stars are all afire in the skySometimes I get so lonely I could die . Payton was halfway to her Jeep when she heard her name . The power and emotion behind it stopped her dead in her tracks . She might not have been a wolf , but regardless when an alpha spoke like that even humans listened . As she felt his rough and strong hands on her arms , turning her to face him as he snarled at her , letting her have it for running . She knew it hadn 't been the smartest move in the world , and she knew it would hurt . But it was overwhelming to think that he . . . that he wanted her in his life like that . She stood there in the rain with him , allowing him to yell at her . Her hair and clothes were plasted to her skin , the rain rolling down her face almost like tears ; actually concealing the ones that had slipped out . He was right , she was stupid and she couldn 't run from everything . " Did it ever occur to you Brayden O ' Shae that I 'm afraid ? ! " She yelled back at him over the rain . Where he 'd held onto her arms and shook her , she could still feel the burning heat left over . " That I didn 't think I was any thing more to you than a little sister ? ? " She added in , some of the heat of her temper leaking into her voice . He shouldn 't have yelled at her like he did . She was going on the defensive . Finally she looked away from him and felt her body start trembling from the effort it was taking to keep her own emotions in check before she let out a deep sigh and her shoulders slumped in defeat . " Bray . . . I , I 've missed you all these years , and then everything that just happened . . . seeing you again . . . " She rambled weakly , her teeth and bottom lip trembling from the cold rain and just the strain on her emotions . Hazel eyes looked up at him , helplessness in their depths , the fear of what could come out of them admitting there was something between them , the feelings that she had for him , all were swirling in their depths . She wanted to tell him everything . Tell him how she had trouble sleeping for almost a year or better because she had been waiting for him to come sneak in her room and talk to her until she passed out . Ho " Bray . . . you 've got my attention . . . you 've had it for a long time . I just . . . I don 't know if I 'm what you need . . . " It wasn 't exactly an excuse but it was part of the reason she had ran . Could she , the girl that should have been a wolf but wasn 't , be good enough for him , an Alpha ? Payton wanted him to say she was , give her that boost and let her know that it was safe to do this . To fall for him completely and let him know it . To show him that she loved him ( yes , loved him , she 'd had too many long years without his presence to know that it was love ) , and that she realized for sure it was love when she saw him today . To be with him , maybe as his other half if that 's what he wanted of her . Payton searched his eyes , seeing they were lighter ; signaling to her that his wolf was close and she slowly and carefully took a step towards him . Payton lifted her hand and turned his head gently to look at her , her thumb softly running along his strong cheekbone under his eye in a similar way that he 'd done with her scar . Her eyes said more than words could as she bit her bottom lip for a moment , the hesitation obvious in her eyes and on her face as she shifted closer to him and tilted her head up a little more to gently press her lips against him . It was a sign to show that whatever was going to happen , she wasn 't going to run from it now . She 'd run enough in her life , she didn 't need to run from him . It was time for her to accept that sure she might be afraid but this was where she belonged : she belonged with her dad and brother , she belonged in Thunder Cove , and she belonged with Brayden . Maybe that was why she 'd had the dreams all these years of the moon , the forest , and of a wolf in the distance . It wasn 't her own wolf that she should 've been , but his wolf . It was him calling her home ; calling her back to him . Her words infuriated him . They were excuses , and pathetic at that . He 'd earned the right to not sugar coat things with her . She 'd been running from things her whole life . Always giving up on people and things , mostly on him . She gave up on him when he was younger and she was giving up on him again now when he was giving himself to her . Not good enough for him ? He understood fear . He 'd been afraid , but he 'd come back and faced his fears and when he got here and realized that it was real and he hadn 't dreamed it he had stuck around and faced them anyway . He hadn 't run a second time . He 'd never run from something ever again . She had a right to fear things , but how could she fear him . He had to calm down . He opened his eyes and looked at the girl that stood shivering and angry in front of him . He watched as her emotions played across her face . She was confused , angry and then resigned . Her shoulders hunched as if in defeat to her true feelings . Through all of this he hadn 't said anything . He 'd said what he 'd needed , he was using all of his strength to hold in his wolf . To keep him at bay . It was then that he heard her last words . What if she wasn 't what he needed ? She was everything he needed and he was what she needed . He could feel it coursing through his viens . He could feel it as though she were another apendage on his body . He didn 't even need a witch to complete the ritual , he had already mated with this girl . She had been born for him , and he was made for her . If he could feel this how come she couldn 't . How could she even entertain the thought that she wasn 't good enough for him . Had he really not shown her enough times that the fact that she wasn 't a wolf wasn 't important to him . He could have had any wolf he wanted , but they weren 't for him . She was . It was as though he had slipped into his own head for a moment thinking about how absurd she was being . How crazy it was for her to think that she wasn 't good enough for him . If anything he wasn 't good enough for her . She was a true alpha 's daughter . He hadn 't even been strong enough to keep his father 's pack . He hadn 't been able to do it like his father had . He would never be the man that his father was . He knew that . Suddenly her hand was on his face and he focused back to reality . Back on the girl that was in front of him shivering in the cold , icy wind . He wanted to shield her from the rain that was beating down on them . He knew how cold she must really be . Then he felt her lips touching his lightly . The hold he had on his wolf released . With that the passion that he had for this girl enveloped him completely . He wrapped his large arm around her waist and lifted her off of the ground , pressing her to him . With his free hand he pressed her head harder kissing her deeper . He wanted to mould her into him , but he knew he 'd crush her if he wasn 't careful . He let his lips part hers , kissing her more passionately . He hadn 't realized how much time went by , but his human mind began to regain control ovthe code was made by : mayu aka preparethe ; sky ! @ caution pm email ^ quote " Wolf That Should 've Been " Human . 22 , from Thunder CoveMated to Brayden O ' Shae . 64 posts . Played by Ara The stars are all afire in the skySometimes I get so lonely I could die . Payton could see the anger as she explained and she knew he could see only excuses . While they might have been that , to her they were vaild . He had to see that she believed them if anything . She had felt the pull back to him , while it may have only come in the form of dreams over the years apart , it had solidified and made itself known the moment she saw him today . Every moment that he hadn 't been there had seemed like a lifetime , and those were all gone now that she was here with him . She knew from what her father had told her about when a wolf finds their other half , what it was like for both of them and if this wasn 't it . . . then Payton didn 't think she 'd ever know what it was like . She felt complete , safe , and knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was perfect for her . He didn 't care about what she should 've or shouldn 't have been . He knew her , what made her smile , what riled her temper . And while they might be an explosive pair at times , they were good for each other . She knew it she 'd just been too scared to admit it . And when she finally had worked up the courage to kiss him , to accept what was between them and he had at first not returned that kiss she thought she 'd screwed herself over with running for the last time . Then his strong arms wrapped around her and lifted her off her feet and the world stopped again as her own arms looped around his neck . Kissing him was what she 'd been wanting , and the kiss he returned hers with was more passionate and almost demanding that she had expected it would be . At first she paused before giving into his kiss . She was no longer aware of the rain , nor the cold that was seeping into her slender frame . All she was aware of was the fact that the man of her dreams was kissing her and that by pack standards she was practically his . All that would have to be done was declare it so to the packs , or there was the old way of doing it that the thought had her blood boiling . That was definitely her brain going a little far into overdrive on the whole situation . As Bray slowly let her back down to her feet , she kept her arms around him and close to his larger and warmer frame . Payton smiled softly up at him as he held her face in his hands and kissed her head before asking her to come inside . Without a word Pay nodded , her arms sliding down his chest before one hand found his . This wasn 't exactly what she had planned when she had decided to come see him today . She had planned on maybe if she was lucky working on rekindling their friendship . Not practically seal a mate bond . She could feel the edges of it tingling at her awareness . Feel him there and knew that she would have a hard time going home that night . Boy . . . would this be interesting to explain to her father and brother . The latter of whom she was sure was going to threaten to behead the wolf at her side , the love she 'd been waiting her entire life for . Once inside it became all too apparent to Payton that they both had been standing out in the rain and were soaked to the skin as she stood in his hallway soaked and dripping water onto the flotag brayden | 664 words | outfit | this post is done ! | notes : hope you like it ! . |
TagsA Good Day , Fiction , Flash Fiction , From My Old Blog , Paul Andrew Russell , Prose , Short Story It was a good day . I felt it as I walked out of the liquor store , brown paper bag under my arm ; the first time I 'd been near a bottle of booze in fifteen years . It felt good , in a sick sort of way . Like a kid stealing a double chocolate chip cookie from the jar . Only this was grown up stuff , Mr Daniels was my liquid sugar fix . I slipped my shades down over my eyes as I walked across the parking lot to the drug store . It didn 't take more than five minutes to get my prescription filled . Once in the car I emptied the contents into the larger jar I 'd dumped all the other pills in before I 'd left the apartment . There was quite the selection . Acetaminophen , Ibuprofen , Temazepam , some other sleeping pills I couldn 't remember the name of , and for some added colour , Benadryl . It had taken me six months to get my collection to this stage . Over five hundred assorted , over the counter narcotics ; a rainbow of afterlife delights . I didn 't think I 'd need them all , unless for some unfathomable reason I 'd mysteriously developed the constitution of an elephant . I wanted enough though to ensure my exit , and for it to be as painless as possible . Pain isn 't my thing . I turned the key of the old Mustang . It roared into life and had never sounded sweeter . It rumbled for a few seconds then settled down to a steady throbbing , the exhaust popping every few seconds . I loved that sound . I fastened my seat belt , adjusted my glasses so they sat just right on the bridge of my nose , and slipped the car into gear . The sun flashed off the store windows in the plaza as I turned onto the main road . It was just visible over the treetops , and cast a bright orange glow through the windshield and lit up the car 's interior like an amusement arcade . I had the driver 's window all the way down , the sound of Terry Jacks ' Seasons in the Sun echoing off the houses on main street as I drove by . It was a good day . One of those days you want to last forever but you know isn 't going to . The kind of day you want to squeeze every last drop of joy out of , in case it 's a long time until you see another . The drive out to the cove was uneventful . The only sound was the birds singing in the trees , in accompaniment to my poor and loud taste in sixties music . The road was virtually empty of traffic , just as I 'd planned . There wouldn 't be many people , if any , out at the cove . As the car crested the last hill before the steep drop down to the parking lot , I got a familiar whiff of the sea air . I closed my eyes for no more than a second and breathed in deeply , relishing the aroma . It was good to live by the sea . I pulled into the almost empty lot just as a car was leaving . I took the space they vacated . It was as though they were leaving just so I could park in their spot . I took it to be divine intervention ; everything going my way . It was a good day . That is , until I saw the empty car parked at the other end of the lot . Okay , what was that doing there ? I expected to be alone . I 'd planned it that way . No one else should be here , only me . Well at least there was no one in it . Maybe they 'd gone off on the trail for a walk . They probably wouldn 't even notice me when they came back . I picked my stuff up off the seat and got out of the car , leaving the keys in the ignition , and set off down the rough path to the shoreline . The sea was breaking on the rocks , spray flying in the air . It was rough out there , just the way I liked it . As I climbed over the wooden guard rails , past the warning signs and onto the rocks , I thought I saw movement down at the water 's edge . No , I thought , I couldn 't have . Who 'd be stupid enough to be that close to the water with the sea being as high as it was today ? Then I saw it again . Yes , there was something moving . I strained to see what was out there as I stumbled over the uneven black boulders that made up this stretch of coastline . It was a person . The recognition instantly made me angry . There shouldn 't be anyone out there . That was my spot , where I was meant to be . I began to move faster , trying to negotiate the wet , black rocks , while keeping my eye on whoever the idiot was who had spoiled my perfect day . I half ran , half crawled over the few remaining rocks and climbed onto the boulder where she 'd been standing a moment earlier . I whipped off my jacket and the bottle of Jack Daniels fell out of my pocket and splashed into the water . Fuck ! I dropped my jacket on the rocks and scanned the surface of the sea , looking for the woman . A few seconds passed and then she popped up , spluttering and gasping for breath between two large waves . I don 't know what I was thinking but I leapt off that same boulder , and as I hit the water I was instantly chilled to the bone . I managed to half swim , half float out to where she was thrashing about in distress . She was screaming but I couldn 't hear a thing over the crashing waves . I grabbed hold of her shoulder , twisted around a gave her a shove toward shore . She looked shocked and utterly surprised to see me . I can 't say I 'd have been any different under the circumstances . That was the last I saw of her . I remember being slammed under the water by a giant wave , and then I must have hit my head on a rock . Everything went black . I woke up here on the cliff top , wet as a dish rag but feeling as warm as toast . It was then that I saw it . I laughed my ass off . There it was , tumbling along just below the surface of the grey , green water like a rag doll , the body of yours truly , one Frank James , formerly of Kilbride , Newfoundland ; the newest resident of Davy Jones ' Locker . It was a shock , I can tell you . Me , a ghost . The funny thing is , that woman got out of there alive and she said a guy had given his life to save her . They called me a hero . Said I must have been one hell of a man to do that . I guess they never found my jacket or the jar of pills . Life 's funny like that , isn 't it ? Tell you what though , death can be a whole lot funnier , and damn ironic too . TagsFiction , Flash Fiction , From My Old Blog , Paul Andrew Russell , Prose , Short Story , Widows Wall Pete Johnson tipped back his head and strained to separate the top of the sheer rock face from the grey skies high above him . His eyes watered as he stared at the distant point he knew he would be standing on in a few hours time . From his position at the foot of the thousand foot granite slab known as ' Widow 's Wall ' he could see the many potential hand and foot holds he would need on his climb . " Hey Pete , " said his climbing partner Larry Haynes , as he joined him at the foot of the imposing slab of rock . " Today 's a good day to die , no ? " Pete laughed . It was a superstitious ritual they went through before each climb . Neither of them could remember what first precipitated their funereal repartee but it was one of those things that stuck with them as they 'd climbed some of the most treacherous rock faces on the planet . Call it superstition . Call it calming the nerves . Whatever it was , it worked . In ten years of climbing together they 'd never come close to being in danger . Maybe their willingness to acknowledge the possible made it less probable . " You want to lead the first pitch or shall I ? " Larry asked as he clipped a bunch of nuts , hexes and other equipment onto his climbing harness . Pete didn 't appear to hear him , so Larry tapped him on the shoulder . " Yeah , I 'm okay . You lead . I 'll take the second and then we can keep that rhythm to the top . That means I 'll lead to the peak , if that 's okay with you . " Pete busied himself with the bundle of rope on the ground while Larry clipped himself onto the rope he had in his hand , which he then clipped into a nut he 'd jammed into a crack in the rock face . All climbers have their weird superstitions or obsessions , and Larry 's was always to clip into the rock face while he was still standing on the ground . It made no sense , but then again most superstitions or good luck rituals rarely do . Larry 's little ritual literally and metaphorically tied him to the rock . He felt he could climb once he was connected to it . It was a beautiful day . The sky was cloudy above the mountain but a deep blue a couple of miles away , down in the valley . By the time they finished their climb it would probably be clear skies and sunshine waiting for them at the top of the wall . They finished the first three pitches in a little over two hours . Before Pete took over for the final part of the ascent , they stopped on a small ledge to eat . Larry took out some dried fruit bars and handed one to Pete , who gave him a small metal flask in return . " Don 't worry , it 's non - alcoholic . You don 't think I 'd bring booze up here do you ? I just wanted to celebrate this special day . " Pete took the lead for the last pitch of the climb . Carefully picking his way across the sheer rock face , searching for the best route and best holds . Every now and then he 'd stop to clip the rope onto a nut he jammed into a crack in the rock . Then as Larry passed them he 'd pull them out of the rock and clip them back onto the loop of his harness . The lead climber securing them to the face , the climber following removing them . " How 'd you find out ? " It was no good denying anything . Pete wasn 't stupid , and he was leading the climb , which meant he could pull the rope up any time he wanted and leave Larry stranded there on the rock face , without any way up or down , clipped to a nut in the rock with only his safety line to secure him . He could die there in a matter of hours if the weather changed . " You sent that last text to my phone by mistake , my friend . You remember the one , I 'm sure . The one that said ' Fancy coming over to fool around while Pete 's busy on that Wilson job ' . Lynn never answered you because you sent it to me , you fucking idiot . " " Sorry just doesn 't cut it , Larry . " Pete said as he began climbing again . Larry followed , half expecting at any moment to find himself falling out of control down the sheer granite face of the aptly named Widow 's Wall . He wasn 't married but that gave him little comfort . After forty agonising minutes Larry saw Pete disappear over the top of the rock . He quickened his pace , hoping against hope the rope would stay there until he reached the top . As he half climbed half crawled over the last ledge and up the small grassy slope that signified the top of Widows Wall , he saw Pete walking toward him , a blank expression on his face . TagsFiction , Flash Fiction , From My Old Blog , Paul Andrew Russell , Prose , Short Story , The Volunteer I thought I was just going in for some tests . ' Clinical Trials ' is what it said on the notices posted around campus . It sounded harmless enough in a medical sort of way . I would try out some new drugs and they would pay me ; simple really . It wasn 't like my body was a temple to clean living . I 'd been known to partake of the odd doobie at weekends , and at parties I could be persuaded to pop a pill or two . Not that any arm twisting was necessary . I went down to the lab in the science building , and filled out page after page of questions . Luckily there was a section all about illicit drug use . I was to answer truthfully , even if I was a heavy user . I was honest . It didn 't seem to matter . It was so easy . I wondered what they 'd give me . It didn 't take long to find out . No messing around here . Lab tech guy number one told me to sit in the chair . Lab tech number two told me to roll up my sleeve . " This won 't hurt . " Bam ! I woke up here . Where is here ? I don 't know . I 'm not sure . But they keep coming and looking at me through that slot in the door . They wear white coats . I must be sick . Maybe I did too many drugs . I remember something about needles , or was it degrees ? TagsFiction , Flash Fiction , From My Old Blog , Paul Andrew Russell , Prose , Short Story , Sweet n Sour ' Hoffa 's Emporium - All Things Sweet ' , declared the sign on the front of the store on Main Street , in the town of Candy Rock . Sandwiched between the Sheriff 's Office and the chambers of one Judge Roy Benn , it looked a little out of place but did a brisk trade in ' all things sweet ' . Every kind of candy you could imagine was stocked at Hoffa 's . And if they didn 't have it old Mr Stanton would tell the customer to call back in a couple of days , and sure enough their order would be there ; no matter how obscure or old fashioned the confectionery . The store space itself was pretty small . Row upon row of wooden shelves and wooden boxes filled it from end to end , right up to the ceiling . The two front windows were packed with glass jars , each containing a different type and flavour of boiled candy which cast shimmering , rainbow coloured shadows across the store 's floor . On bright sunny days it was as if a person had stepped inside a kaleidoscope when they entered Hoffa 's . The intermittent flashes of sunlight reflecting off passing cars gave the added impression of the giant kaleidoscope turning , the candy in the jars moving across the floor like the pieces of plastic in the lens of a giant 's toy . Stanton 's special candy was only made four or five times a year . It was never formally announced a batch was being made but the town always knew it was going to be on the shelves when the sugary aroma crept out of the warehouse . It usually took old Stanton a couple of days to prepare a new batch , and for two whole days the town smelled wonderful . The sweet scent of boiling sugar permeated everything . No one complained though , who would ? People could remember the day when a young Mr Stanton set up shop in town at the end of July 1975 . Everyone thought he was crazy , starting a candy business in a small town but he had proven them wrong ; he was still there over thirty years later . No one knew how he 'd survived for so long . No one ever asked . They just assumed he did a lot of trade by mail or on the internet . The very first of the specials was way back in 1975 , a few days after Mr Stanton opened for business . ' Hoffa 's Special Blood Red Candy Twists ' were an instant hit . They were only ever made the one time . All the specials were only ever made once , and they all had strange names . Only Mr Stanton knew the secret recipes of the ' specials ' and the origins behind the weird names ; and he wasn 't about to tell anyone . TagsFiction , Flash Fiction , From My Old Blog , Paul Andrew Russell , Prose , Rules , Short Story Jimmy Swinson never did as he was told . As a child , if his parents told him not to touch something he would go ahead and touch it . At first , Jimmy 's flagrant disregard of the rules , any rules , was a source of amusement . His parents found it funny . Their friends found it funny . However , as Jimmy got older it became less so . Jimmy was told not to leave the door open when he came in from playing outside . He left it open all the time . He thought it was funny . That is , until the day the dog ran out through the open door and was run over by a truck . Or the day Jimmy was twelve years old and helping his father fix the car . His father told him not to touch anything , especially the hydraulic jack . Jimmy touched the jack , dropping the car down on top of him . Rodney Swinson died that day . No one thought Jimmy was funny . Jimmy flouted every rule and every regulation he ever came across . He never paid his taxes on time , never went to work on time . He lost every job he ever had . He drove without a licence , drove when he was drunk . He never saw the car until it hit him , and he was flung up into he air and over the top of the black Buick . He felt his back snap as he hit the ground . He heard someone get out of the car and walk over to where he was lying . The face of the parking attendant loomed over him . TagsFiction , Flash Fiction , From My Old Blog , Paul Andrew Russell , Prose , Rotary Club , Short Story Bob Pruitt had been on my back all week . We were short a couple of guys on the crew , as Jimmy Jones and Jeff Collins had gone off on one of their fishing trips down the Colorado . Of course Bob hadn 't arranged any cover for their absence , so it fell to me and the other guys to do all the work , as usual . We couldn 't , of course , do all the work , so Bob was getting shit from higher management . He couldn 't organise anything , but his skills in being a dick head were without equal . Jimmy and Jeff were off for two whole weeks , which meant we had Bob working alongside us for , yes , two whole weeks . He actually had to get his hands dirty which made him madder than ever . It also meant we never got a break from him , which wasn 't good for us and certainly didn 't end up being good for him ; hence the reason I 'm sitting here in this cell waiting for the psychiatrist 's report to come through . They want to see if I 'm insane before they send me to trial . I 'm mad yes , still mad as hell , but insane ? What do you think ? That Friday afternoon was hot and humid , not my favourite kind of weather . It was bad enough sweating on the job , never mind sweating before you actually even started work . And of course there he was , ' Big Bob ' the ringmaster , cracking the whip and barking orders . We never listened to him of course , just pretended to . We couldn 't work any faster than the manual allowed . Doing mechanical maintenance on airliners had to be by the book , lives were at risk . Bob however , thought if he screamed at us we 'd get the job done faster . " You get more flies with honey than vinegar , " my old Ma used to say . I guess Bob didn 't have a Ma like mine or he would have known that . Every time he screamed we 'd drop a nut or bolt , usually inside the engine cowling , and have to strip the god - damn panels off again to retrieve them . This made Bob really mad but he never clued in to what he was doing . Like I said , a dick head . The last job that day was a routine check of the fan blades on a 747 that had recently had a bird go through the engine . After all the visual checks were completed Bob insisted on doing a start up test . He knew it was my darts night and I wanted to get away early but he said it had to be done . Frank said he had to leave . His wife was in the hospital , having their first child . Bob had no choice but to let him go ; company policy . So I had him all to myself , what joy . We ran the engine slowly at first , then got it up to a percentage of thrust where it wouldn 't be in any danger of moving the plane but would spin fast enough to create a jet wash out the back and suck air in from the front , and anything else that wasn 't fastened down . Bob liked to listen to the engines . He said he could tell if something was wrong , no matter how small , just by the sound of the blades turning . I have to say , he was damn good at diagnosing problems that way . " You god - damn fucking idiot ! " Bob screamed like a madman . " Now we 're going to have to start again ! " The swearing I didn 't mind . It was what he did next that really pissed me off . He threw a god - damn fucking screwdriver at me . Not only did it hit me , it stuck in my fucking leg . Shit , did that fucker hurt . I saw red . Then I saw the blades spinning behind him . Yep , I know what you 're thinking ; and I did it . I grabbed his legs , wrapped my arms around them just below the knees and yanked them forwards . He tipped backwards , and hell , it was a real mess . He went in a whole ' Big Bob ' , and flew out the back , tiny little pieces of Bob . I didn 't feel a thing . So yes , you can say I did it . And no , I 'm not sorry . Will I tell them that in court ? Hell no ! He tripped and fell . TagsFiction , Flash Fiction , From My Old Blog , Paul Andrew Russell , Prose , Rock On , Short Story Roger Ellison had climbed with his partner , Jeffrey Bell , for many years . They 'd met at university and remained close friends ever since . Today 's climb was supposed to be a simple two hour ascent of the Devil 's Back , a sheer face of granite with the added bonus of a waterfall tumbling down the rock as they climbed . Luckily , at this time of year , the water was more of a mist than a torrent . All started well , with Jeffrey leading for the first hour ; then Roger took over . Half an hour into his pitch Roger heard Jeffrey scream below him . He looked down to see Jeffrey 's rope snaking away down the cliff face , with a helpless Jeffrey flailing around , trying to grab hold of something solid . Somehow the rope had come out of one of the metal hoops secured into the rock with a wedge . So had his lifeline . It was zipping past . Roger made a split second decision , letting go of his climbing rope and free falling down the rock face , hoping his life line would stop his fall as he tried to grab the quickly disappearing rope of his friend . As they fell , Jeffrey 's rope snagged in a crevice in the rock , just long enough for Roger to grab it . He quickly wrapped it around his arm . Then it slithered out of the crack in the rock . Roger screamed as his lifeline stopped his fall at the precise moment Jeffrey 's rope went taut , almost yanking his arm out of its socket . He hit his face hard against the granite wall . The rope around Roger 's arm cut into his flesh , tearing it open . Blood began running down his hand and onto the rope . He called to Jeffrey but got no reply . He looked down but couldn 't see his friend . He was below an overhang they 'd struggled to get past on their way up the face . Roger lost consciousness . When he awoke it was almost dark . Both his arms were numb and he felt as if he was being torn apart at the shoulders . He called out in the dark but Jeffrey didn 't answer . For the first time in his life he was afraid , terribly afraid . As he hung there he felt the rope below him begin to pull even more on his arm and shoulder . Every now and then it would jerk , then jump a little , as if someone was climbing up it . My God , he thought , maybe Jeffrey 's okay . The he heard the most blood curdling scream he 'd ever heard in his life . The rope jerked this way and that , then bounced upward , relieving the pressure on Roger 's arm . Almost at once it yanked down on his injured arm again . Roger strained to see in the darkness . He saw something move below him . A flash of white . Was that Jeffrey 's hair ? Yes it was . He must have lost his helmet when he fell . He never fastened it . " Oh my God , Jeffrey . You 're okay ! " Roger shouted as he listened to the sound of his friend climbing ever nearer . A few more feet and they would be able to help each other out of this awful mess they were in . " Jeffrey ? " Roger said as he saw the mop of white hair less than six feet away , shimmering in the light of the rising full moon . His friend didn 't answer as he climbed the last few feet but Roger could hear his heavy breathing . When he reached Roger he looked up . TagsFiction , Flash Fiction , From My Old Blog , Mirror Mirror , Paul Andrew Russell , Prose , Short Story James Robertson woke up , stretched and climbed out of bed just as the alarm started beeping . He slammed his hand down on the clock and the irritating beeps stopped . Rubbing his eyes and yawning , he shuffled over to the window and opened the curtains . The light momentarily hurt his eyes and he blinked , the outside world slowly coming into focus . He hated Monday mornings . He hated all mornings , especially that period between waking and stepping out of the shower refreshed and invigorated . He called it the ' morning zombies ' , when everything was out of sync and he felt like shit . He wasn 't a morning person . He hated morning people ; those irritating bastards who were as chirpy as the birds as soon as they opened their eyes . Grabbing his towel from the hook on the back of the bedroom door , James shuffled into the bathroom and turned on the shower . As soon as it was warm he stepped in and let the hot jets massage his tired muscles . He always felt tired lately ; one of the many negative aspects of being fifty years old . He could vaguely remember a time when he was full of energy and never tired but those days were far behind him . " Shiiiiit ! " He yelled , as he went tumbling into the bathroom closet . Only he didn 't actually hit the bathroom closet . He went sailing through it , literally , landing on his backside on what appeared to be his instantly extended bathroom floor . James pulled the towel from his head , breathing heavily , wondering what the hell had just happened . Maybe I got disoriented when I slipped , he thought . Maybe I 'm just facing the wrong way and the closet is behind me . But when he looked around , James saw that in fact he wasn 't in his bathroom or rather he was in his bathroom but everything was the wrong way around . He looked to where the closet should be and he saw a shimmering , mirror like opening . It was exactly the size of his closet , and in the exact place his closet was supposed to be , but it wasn 't his closet . It was a weirdly undulating window back into his real bathroom . He knew this because he could see his bathroom , a mirror image of the one he was now in . He got up off the floor and stepped gingerly toward the mirrored window object . He reached out to touch it and his hand disappeared in a rippling mercury haze . He pulled it back . Everything looked normal . Oh well , here goes , he thought as he sucked in his breath and stepped into and through the ' portal ' . He found himself back in his own bathroom . He looked in the mirror over the sink . His reflection looked good . In fact he had never looked better , never looked healthier . Then he saw it . He looked younger , a good few years younger . Is it possible , he thought , that I got younger by going through that thing ? He turned around and walked back to the closet . It looked just like it always did , a green bathroom closet . He reached out to touch the door and his hand disappeared again , this time in a shimmering green haze . He stepped through , waited a few minutes and then stepped back into his own bathroom . Trembling with excitement , he looked in the mirror again . " My God , " he said out loud . " I can 't be more than twenty years old . " He started laughing , stepped back and slapped his bare thigh in excitement . He didn 't even see the bar of soap he 'd knocked onto the floor when he had fallen the first time . He slipped backwards and before he knew it had once again fallen through the shimmering doorway and on to the hard tiled floor . This time though , without the towel to protect his head , he fell unconscious on the cold tiles . Half an hour later James 's friend , Rob , called by to give him a ride to work . He got no answer so let himself in with the key James had given him . Rob knew his friend had a problem with mornings so he agreed to wake him if he overslept . " James ! ' Rob shouted as he opened the door . " You 're gonna ' be real late if you don 't get a move on ! " There was no answer so he went to the bedroom , expecting to see his friend asleep in bed . He wasn 't there . Next he tried the bathroom , where the bath was wet and the mirror partly streamed . There was no sign of James . " C ' mon James , where the hell are you ? " Still no reply . If Rob had been able to see through the closet and into the ' other ' bathroom where James had fallen , he would have seen a small baby lying on the tiles . If he had been able to see through the closet and see the baby , he 'd have noticed it was a boy . The baby boy could see Rob . He tried to call out to Rob , but he was just a baby ; he couldn 't speak . A few more minutes in the bathroom and he wouldn 't exist at all , wouldn 't be coming out of the closet . TagsFiction , Flash Fiction , From My Old Blog , Hot Dog , Paul Andrew Russell , Prose , Short Story I was sweating like a pig when I walked in through the First Savings Bank 's doors . It was from that moment everything began to go wrong . I should have turned back . He came out of nowhere and we ran right into each other . He was eating a hot dog , in the bank of all places ! Anyway , we collided , he dropped his hot dog , started crying and all hell broke loose . Of course , I couldn 't keep my big mouth shut . " Get outta my way kid ! " I snarled at him . I hadn 't realised my jacket had come unbuttoned at that point but as soon as the commotion was over and that damn kid and his mother left the bank I knew I was in trouble . The other customers were all staring , shooting their ' blame dagger ' looks at me . No bank robber wants to be noticed . I chose to get the hell out of there , and started running back toward the doors . I reached them before the guard reacted to the shouts . Then I stepped on that damn kid 's hot dog and slipped . I went head over heals and into the doors , just as another customer was entering the bank . I hit them head first . I heard my neck snap . Now I can 't move . I can hear people around me . Someone called an ambulance . The only thing I can see down here is that damn kid 's hot dog . TagsFiction , Flash Fiction , From My Old Blog , Paul Andrew Russell , Prose , Short Story , Unity Joe was seven when his sister was taken . He remembered them coming . It was late at night . The family were watching a vintage movie , 2001 A Space Odyssey , from the ' thousand years or older ' category , on the view - screen . There was a bang on the door , followed a few seconds later by the sound of the ' lectro - switch ' opening . The Unity Government could unlock any door anywhere in the world with the ' lectro - switch ' but this was the first time Joe had seen it done , although he and his friends had heard about it many times from older kids . A Unity officer walked into the room and straight over to where Emily was sitting . Joe 's mother began crying and his father put his arms around her shoulders . Joe began to cry but didn 't know why . The officer pulled up the sleeve of Emily 's nightdress , to just above the elbow , then he straightened out her arm until the row of black numbers tattooed there stretched evenly across her skin . Then he ran a scanner over them and waited until the unit beeped , confirming the result . " Your number 's up , my dear , " was all he said . He gestured to one of the other men who had followed him into the room . The man walked forward and scooped Emily up off the couch and quickly walked out of the door with her in his arms . Joe 's mum screamed and fell onto the floor . His dad had tears running down his cheeks . Joe cried uncontrollably . That was fourteen years ago . The night Joe 's world changed forever . The Unity Government had emerged from out of the ashes of the third world war . The ' nuclear ' war . The one war everyone had said would never happen because ' people aren 't that stupid ' . Well , they were that stupid . They 'd very nearly wiped out the human race with their stupidity . It had taken fifteen hundred years since the war for the world to recover to the point where it had been before the first bomb was dropped . Then another thousand years for all the countries that were left to agree on a united government to rule over the planet , to avoid another conflict . Thus , the Unity Government was formed . Joe knew it wasn 't as simple as just bringing the people of the world together to avoid conflict . It was about business . It was about the business of the ' Barrier ' . The barrier had been developed by scientists , after the war , to minimise the effects of the radiation that had been released in the conflict . Some parts of the earth were uninhabitable , would be for thousands of years . The cleanest parts had been marked out for inclusion in the ' Barrier ' project . The Barrier project consisted of millions of ' station points ' all linked together in a giant , web like structure . When activated , the Barrier formed a protective shield over all lands and seas within its perimeter . The scientists had discovered how to clean the air inside the Barrier of all radiation , and as a result all radiation induced genetic abnormalities had slowly disappeared from the human race . Of course , not all people wanted to live under the Unity Government . Those people were free to do as they wished , but when the Barrier was finally activated they were left outside . Eventually the effects of radiation had either killed everyone or so adversely affected the fertility of those left that there was no life outside the Barrier after a period of four or five hundred years . For those inside the Barrier though , there was one inescapable fact of life the proponents of the ' Utopian ' future that awaited them when the Barrier was activated had failed to mention . If they had , then maybe , just maybe , the Barrier would not have been built . Who knows ? As it stood , Utopia came with a price , and the numbers weren 't small . You could say the cost of life was life itself . On that fateful night Emily was taken , Joe made it his mission to find out all he could about the Unity Government , the Barrier and the numbers game . The rumours began soon after the Barrier was activated . At first they were ignored , as people were just happy knowing they were breathing clean air and there was no longer the threat from radiation . Soon the stories began to be taken more seriously though , as people started disappearing . At first there were suggestions that only old people were being taken . The Unity Government did nothing to quash the rumours , as the reality of what was actually happening was far worse than a few old people going missing . However , the ' Insiders ' , a group of people , Joe among them , who liked to ask questions of the government , had pressed for the truth until Unity had no choice but to respond . On a pre - arranged night , the entire population of the world sat down to watch the Unity announcement on the view - screen . The Overlord himself , Joshua T Williams appeared , sitting behind his impressive desk , the Unity logo behind his shoulders looking like the halo of an imaginary angel , framing his head in a white glow . He began talking . " Citizens of earth , members of the Singledom of Unity , I appear before you to address concerns raised by many groups regarding the alleged disappearance of members of our Unity family . The ' Insiders ' group have impressed upon me and the Unity government the need to be completely open and forthcoming with the facts . Lessons learned after the Great Third War must not be forgotten . I will now give you those facts , and every citizen will receive a written log of my statement with all the relevant information in a special factfax immediately after this broadcast . Please be warned , the truth is sometimes a hard thing to accept . However , I have confidence in you , dear citizens . Confidence in your desire to maintain the lives we have built for each other since the Great Third War . I know you will do nothing to jeopardise what we have achieved in the years since those terrible times . " Joe knew what was coming but most people had only heard rumours , nothing had been made concrete for them , so they could bury their heads in the sand up until this point . After the broadcast , the whole world , the entire population within the barrier , would know the truth . What would they do ? Nothing , that 's what . People were completely dependent on Unity . They were dependent for food , housing , clothing , even work , such as it was in their robotic technological utopia . Unity were going to tell the truth only because they were being forced to . The alternative would probably be dissent . Dissent that would lead to anger . Anger to conflict . Conflict to war . They couldn 't afford another war . No one wanted another war . That much was clear . The Overlord began speaking again . " Dear citizens , what you have heard is true . The Unity government is indeed responsible for the disappearance of members of your communities , our world community . However , it is not as insidious as it first appears . Once you know the facts you will have to decide what you want to happen . We have done our best under trying circumstances , and what we have achieved is frankly quite remarkable , considering the legacy our forebears left us . " Beads of sweat began to form on the Overlord 's forehead as he continued . " As you know , the Barrier was our best , last defence against the continuing problems with radiation from the wastelands . The best minds in the world came up with the idea . However , they forgot to factor in one crucial statistic . They were working on the mistaken assumption that fertility rates would never recover to pre - war levels ; an assumption we now know was incorrect . As a direct result of that mis - calculation , Unity never put in place a system to monitor the birth , death ratio of our population . The only record we kept were the numbers you received at birth as an identifier . " He rolled up his sleeve to show the number tattooed on his arm , then quickly covered it again . " Then , some years ago , the scientists came to me and notified me of a problem . A problem no one had the foresight to think of until it became apparent and irreversible . " He shook his head as he went on . " Apparently , our most brilliant of minds had forgotten to think about what would happen when they permanently sealed the Barrier , with us inside , specifically the need for procreation to ensure the survival of the human race . " For a moment the Overlord looked angry , then dejected but regained his composure and went on . " What I am trying to tell you , dear citizens , friends , is that we messed up and allowed , encouraged , the growth of our population until it became apparent there was a problem . The air was beginning to run out . This is where it gets messy . " He lowered his head and paused for a moment before looking directly into the camera with tears in his eyes . " So we came up with a system to ensure our survival . We called it the numbers game . I know it 's sounds cold and crass but it was the only way to avoid our extinction as a race . We took the numbers of every person born and put them in to the government computers . Then when a new baby is born , and a new number issued , the computer selects a random number from all those stored in the system . That person is then marked for termination and taken to a holding compound where they are painlessly euthanized . " The Overlord began to cry . " I 'm so sorry . " At that moment , the doors behind Joshua T Williams , Overlord of the Unity Government , opened and two Unity officers , dressed in their black uniforms and ignoring the cameras , stepped up to the leader 's desk , one of them addressing him directly . " Please roll up your sleeve . " He then grabbed his bare arm , straightened it out and scanned the number . The unit beeped . copyright © Paul Andrew Russell and Paul Andrew Russell ~ prose , 2016 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Paul Andrew Russell and Paul Andrew Russell ~ prose with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . |
Oh Right , The Cloud . Posted on September 14 , 2016 by A Life After Loss My daughter was born in 2008 . Breastfeeding was a bitch . Constant mastitis , a shallow latch that was murderously painful and a terrible paranoia about whether my child was getting enough food . I attended our hospital 's free breastfeeding clinic that met every Friday morning . I quickly became a " regular " and even had a few individual sessions with the nurse who ran the group . I was living on 3 hours of sleep a night and my nipples felt like they were being carved off by a spoon , but god damn it , I wasn 't going to give up . I had a tenacity for getting this problem solved that bordered on insanity . The nurse who ran the group was one of those people who saved souls . She had never had children , but somehow was infinitely knowledgeable on breastfeeding . She was so patient , and friendly , and nurturing . She brought me back from the ledge numerous times , answering all of my calls immediately and making me feel better , sometimes with just an encouraging smile . I have met many people over the years who have also worked with her and every individual has sung her praises . I knew she eventually had kids of her own , but I always wondered what happened to her and if she was still working with new moms . My son and I headed to the grocery store today after I dropped my now 8 year old daughter off at school . He pointed out every construction vehicle he saw , either in real life or just in his imagination . I silently became flustered at his constant questions and his need for me to say " Yea ? " to his " Mama ? " every 5 seconds . At the store , we grabbed a cart and I talked quietly to him about all the things we needed to get . He pointed out the strawberries and we picked some up . I smiled at him , thinking of how lovely it is for him to be old enough to suggest good things to eat . We picked up milk and eggs , and my eyes fell on this woman who looked familiar . I couldn 't place her - I knew her face , though . I thought , " She was good . She was helpful . She helped me with something big … . who is that ? " And then it dawned on me . It was the nurse ! I approached her and we chatted , one of her children in the shopping cart having a snack . I pointed to my son and said , " This is my third ! " She asked how old my other kids were and I told her my daughter was 8 and ' we lost our second one . ' There 's just no good fucking way to interpose that information . " It 's so sad , " She went on . Did she know what happened ? ? I didn 't know . I just moved on , because that 's what I do when this comes up . I drop the bomb and then just keep moving , because there 's nothing else I can do . We 're in a grocery store . I finished shopping and drove home . I thought about me in the breastfeeding clinic with this teeny baby . So very , very worried about her , about us , about keeping her safe and happy . There is something profoundly saddening to remember a time when those were the extent of our problems . As if I can see myself in the past and think " Kristen , you have no idea what 's coming . " You don 't just grieve for the person you lost . You grieve for your family 's innocence . You grieve your lives without the fucking cloud over it all the time . I have gotten so used to the cloud that I often don 't notice it anymore . It 's there , but it 's become part of our routine . It 's like bird shit on your windshield . Eventually you learn to look past it , even though it 's still there . Once in awhile something happens and you remember what life was like before everything changed forever . I know there are no guarantees in life . There isn 't a path that was " supposed " to be . I just miss the time when I thought there was . The Chair Posted on August 7 , 2016 by A Life After Loss After Jay died , an internal , immediate family investigation was launched about how the hell a child could die from falling back in a chair . The doctors had all submitted their reports saying that this was a freak accident . The detectives at the DA 's office were doing whatever they were doing ( probably nothing , actually , but we didn 't know that . We , or I , imagined an intense round table discussion about whether to charge us with murder ) . But the adults involved , consisting of my husband , myself and my mother , had lengthy discussions on how this could happen . Nothing is worse than losing a child to an accident like this , in no small part because of the constant stories from other parents who have had this exact thing happen : At first we blamed the company that made the booster seat . We wondered if we should take legal action . But then we had thrown out the directions to the chair and didn 't know exactly whether there was a weight requirement for the chair , or something else that maybe we overlooked while fixing it to the dining chair . And the booster seat was thrown out so quickly that I 'm not even sure anyone even knew the company that made it . One day at my mother 's , I put a plastic shopping bag on the back of one of the dining chairs . After a few moments , the weight from the shopping bag tipped the chair back and it slapped against the laminate floor . The same slapping sound we heard when our son fell back . The lightweight wood , the low , airy wicker seat , the long narrow back - it fell backwards so easily . It was top heavy . As soon as it fell back then , I understood how it happened . My mother vowed to get rid of the chairs , but she couldn 't . She was so ridiculously ill . In and out of chemo treatments , there was no way she would have been able to go out and choose replacement chairs for the dining table . She died two years ago , and up until now , we hadn 't even replaced those chairs . We own the house and are there often , eating meals sitting on the same chairs - one of which was responsible for our son 's death . Yesterday , my husband went on Craigslist and immediately found solid wood chairs , with the rear two legs at a backward slant . Sturdy . Stable . $ 100 for 4 . We picked them up today . I picked up two of the old lightweight chairs and walked out the door . I wondered if I was carrying The Chair , the one that my son was sitting in . I didn 't know . My mother had switched the chairs around after he died because she didn 't want anyone to feel weird sitting in a any one chair . I know it sounds strange , but I can tell you it made perfect sense at the time . She knew which one it was , too , and she wouldn 't tell me for ages . But we had moved the chairs around even since then just by happenstance , so now no one knew anymore which one was It . My husband followed soon after with the last two chairs . We opened up the big dumpster at the end of the condominium complex . We threw 3 of them in . Before the last one went in , my husband asked , " Do you want to smash one ? " " No , just toss it in , " I said . And then I picked one up and tried to smash it anyway . It bounced on the asphalt . Barely scratched . I tried it again . Same thing . Falls backward with any weight put on the back , but tough as shit . I put it in the dumpster , and hoped no one would see these four seemingly perfect chairs and take them into their own home . We closed the dumpster lid and walked back to the condo . I sat down on the " new " wood chairs . They fit perfectly with our dining table . I was glad they were there . I know my mom would be happy those fucking chairs were gone . Me too , mama . Lamb Posted on July 7 , 2016 by A Life After Loss My daughter was an awful sleeper . No , that 's not right to say . Rather , I was terrible at knowing when to put her down , was terrified of letting her cry and did everything wrong that a first time mother often does . I read books , but had no instinct . Nothing felt right or natural , and I felt like I would never , could never , be a good mother . But all of those different sleep books I read shared a few pieces of the same advice . One of which was give your child a lovey . So I did . Each day before my daughter 's nap I chose a different stuffed animal that she had in her room . It didn 't seem that any of them " took " . She didn 't appear to care for any of them . It could have been that I never had the foresight to give the loveys more time in the crib with her . I switched them out , sure that we hadn 't found the right one . One day I tossed in a fluffy , anthropomorphic looking lamb . Lammie Pie was discreetly embroidered on his chest . " Maybe this one , " I thought . I gave it to her , and she gave it a hug . I noticed his feet were filled with some kind of bead material . I imagined her chewing it in her crib , the beads getting eaten , etc . " I 'll take him out when this nap is over , " I thought . But when she awoke and I came to retrieve Lammie Pie out of the crib , she clutched him tightly and didn 't want to let me have him . He never left the crib . He was always in there , for every nap . She began asking for him when she played . She started carrying him around the house all the time . Then he began to come to the park . He gained full fledged , four star general level Lovey Status . He started coming to every family vacation , to the store , to the bathroom for potty training , Santa began buying him outfits each Christmas , he went down slides and swings and appeared in every family photo . Sometimes he 'd be forgotten for a trip to the store , but not for big trips . Except one . He was somehow forgotten on a routine trip to my mother 's . Jay died on that trip . Not that there was any correlation , but God damn it , if there was a time ever that we needed Lamb , that was fucking it . She hated Lamb after Jay died . Then she called him Jay for awhile . Then she renamed him Jayden for months and months , as if that were a disguise no one would pick up on . My husband and I also had to call him Jayden and it was torture . We watched as she pulled him , stamped on him , stuffed him in a drawer and repeatedly asked if she could throw him away . My husband and I were as cool as we possibly could be , offering to put him away if she wanted , but said we would not throw him away . She knew we were all attached to Lamb . It was her way of expressing all of her aggression towards the situation and the two people who were not supposed to let something like this happen : Us . When she finally reconnected with Lamb , a collective sigh was felt through the entire family . It wasn 't just me . I could see it on my husband 's face . " Thank God he 's back . " Last week , I took my daughter to a beautiful summer day camp near the ocean . Lamb was along for the ride , of course . We got out of the car and she asked me to hold him while she climbed a tree before the camp started . I carefully placed him on my left shoulder , adjusting him several times until I could walk freely with him nestled into my neck . I 'm not going to lie . I like him there . I like that he is there with us , and with her . It is no longer just her lovey . It is the family 's lovey . We are all weirdly attached to him . If our family had a flag or a crest , he would be on it . She climbs the tree and I watch her , my head tilted slightly towards Lamb . I 'm thinking about how special he is . She says to me , " Mama … . . Lamb . " I walk over and dutifully hand him over , even though I am secretly digging hanging out with him . I won 't post the pic set I took with him in our backyard a few weeks ago , just he and I . She wants to put him in the tree with her and show him how to climb it . I watch her with him . She 's excited to show him everything . I think about how she is going to be eight this year , and that there will be one day when she will be too embarrassed to do this with him . One day he will be relegated to her bed once more . But for now , we are watching his day in the sun and it is glorious to behold . She brings him to her nose and breathes deeply . " He smells like home . " I couldn 't believe that in this instant we were both thinking about how wonderful he is . It makes me happy that the smell of home is special to her . Her camp is a farm that sits on a cliff over the Pacific Ocean . This is what heaven looks like , but it was cold as shit and I didn 't bring a coat . " Baby , I 'm gonna take off . " I go to get Lamb and her face changes . She wants him with her . She knows the gravity of the situation , and that I am afraid to lose him . He 's like the family touchstone . I can see how much she wants him , though , and I won 't let my anxiety over this make the decision . " Ok , baby . Keep him in the top pocket . Close the zipper . " I watch as she secures him . And I walk away and get in the car and think about what I would do if we lost him , how we would deal and how long she would hurt . When I go pick her up , it 's one of the first questions I ask before we leave the camp . Resilience Posted on May 4 , 2016 by A Life After Loss At the beginning of the school year , one of my daughter 's classmates lost her mother to cancer . My interactions with the woman were few , but she exuded generosity and was a nurturing soul , committed fully to her family . I barely knew her , but I felt the loss deeply , not only for the family who lost her , but for myself , too . I missed her dearly even though I hadn 't seen her in months and months before she passed . There was a funeral . I quickly made the decision that we would not go . I felt like my daughter had been through enough , and since she was not close to her classmate , that going would expose her to unnecessary grief when she had already experienced so much loss already . I felt like going would be like ripping a bandaid of an injury that she didn 't even endure . After the funeral happened , my daughter heard about it from her friends who had gone . She asked me why we didn 't go . I told her that we really didn 't know the family , but that reason didn 't sound right to me anymore . It seemed like everyone went but us . But the time for considering it was over . We missed it . She has asked me a couple of times since then , and she asked me last night . I gave her the same reason I gave before . We were in the bathroom doing teeth and mouthwash before bed . I stroked her head and finally told her the real reason we didn 't go . " I felt like maybe it would be too sad for you . " It felt good to just say it . I knew she was able to hear it . She swished her mouthwash and used hand signals to speak to me , as she does every night , as if whatever she needs to tell me can 't possibly wait the 60 seconds it takes to swish . She shook her head and waved her hands . " Are you saying that we should have gone ? " I asked . She then walks into the adjoining playroom and sits down at her desk . She 's writing something , but doesn 't want me to look at it until she 's done . When she 's finished , she waves me over , still swishing the mouthwash . Ugh . Initially , reading that was so sad that my eyes welled up with tears . Fuck . But then I realized I was missing the point , just as I had missed the point at the beginning of the year by skipping the funeral . She went to spit her mouthwash out and came out of the bathroom . " Are you saying that you could have handled it ? " I asked . " Yea , I can handle it . I mean , maybe if someone lost every single person they love , that would be too sad for me . But I don 't think that would happen . " It 's hard to see your child learn these big life lessons when you 're still figuring them out yourself . But they 're more resilient than we give them credit for , and protecting them too much just does them a disservice and , frankly , kinda makes you look like a pussy in the end . I should have told her about the funeral and asked for her thoughts . I was afraid , though . I was afraid that she would want to go and then find it too sad . I was afraid that it would be too sad for all of us . That an unfair assumption on my part . Everyone in this family was slapped in the face with trauma they couldn 't control . I should have allowed her to be in control over this instead of making the decision for her . Children reprocess their grief through each developmental stage . You 're not ever really " done " raising a grieving child . What I always fail to remember is that I have so much still to learn about how to do this with her . But I will tell you this : She 's a fucking good teacher . Posted in Newly Grieving , Raising Your Living Children | Phone Calls Posted on March 25 , 2016 by A Life After Loss If you ask any parent , I 'm sure they will stand right up and proclaim that they love playing with their kids . And most of us do . But there are probably at least 5 games / make believe scenarios that you could rattle off that you absolutely abhor . I have to play a game every day called " Bad Sister " , where my daughter plays the role of a younger , totally perfect sister and I play a total asshole older sister . It does great things for her development . It allows her to see what happens when people ( like my character ) make bad choices while she gets to role play always doing the right thing . It makes her feel empowered and heroic while I play the role of a complete dick . I understand why we do it and she really gets something out of it , but I really do hate this game . There are other games , though , that I absolutely love . The other day we played a restaurant game . She took all of the fake food we have in the playroom , which is enough to fill an actual restaurant , and she organized everything in sections . She put down pillows for the tables and set down stuffed animal customers at each table . She was the cook and I had to take orders . I was given a stack of Post - It notes and I had to go around taking everyone 's order , welcoming them , rattling off specials , asking about drinks , etc . I did a better job than when I was an actual waitress in my 20 's for sure . I wrote down their orders and gave the Post - It note to " the cook " . She dutifully put the order together and served each customer . It was so much fun that I totally lost track of the time . I was 100 % in the pretend world , which is hard to fully get into once you 're an adult . The pretend world is so addictive and so fun as a child , but it can feel sometimes like you just don 't get it anymore as an adult . It was kind of a relief to know I could get there again . Wow . The first time I heard this I didn 't know what to do . I just followed her lead . Now we talk to Jay and Gramma quite often on the pretend phone and I love it . " Hi , Gramma ! How 's it going ? Uh - huh …… . . uh - huh … . oh , you 're kidding , that 's hilarious ! And is he talking a lot ? Oh , I bet he is ! What ? He 's riding a bike now ? ? ? That 's crazy . Well , we sure do miss you over here …… uh - huh … . well , you wouldn 't believe what Floyd 's up to . He 's so funny , you would just flip out at all the words he 's saying … . . oh she 's great , she 's doing so well in school , she actually has a play coming up … . " And I go on and on before I hand the phone off to my daughter and she has her own pretend conversation with our dead relatives . Occasionally Floyd is also given the phone . He does say hello but he really doesn 't get that we 're acting out how much we miss them and wish we could actually talk to them . This scenario really hits home how therapeutic play can be . It 's much more effective than sitting in a therapist 's office discussing what you might want to say to someone . You 're on the phone , next to whoever you 're playing with , but not directly interacting with them , passively detailing all of the things you want so much to say to your loved one , without making it this big discussion about sadness and feelings . I would posit that fake phone conversations is a solid play therapy for both adults and kids . It allows us to convey to each other how much we miss our special people without it feeling overwhelming for her . One day I will no longer be asked to be the asshole in the Bad Sister game . And my daughter will eventually get to the age where she doesn 't have pretend conversations on the phone anymore ( or not … I actually still do this when I 'm in a really awkward situation ) . Sometimes it can feel difficult to talk to our children about something as complicated as grief . But really , it isn 't . Kids can be excellent at framing a complicated situation in simpler terms , and they work through so much while at play . When she gets older , we will have deeper conversations about what it 's like to never , ever speak to someone again . But for right now , it sure feels good to talk to our loved ones on the phone . I mean , his birthday is hard . Christmas is hard . The day of his death is hard . All that stuff is hard to deal with . But what 's really shitty are the weeks leading up to the death anniversary . All I can think about is how those days traveled by and we had no idea what was going to happen . In late January , his hair was getting long . I cut it . I wanted to keep it , so I used my label maker and typed out his name and the date . I wrapped the sticky side around his little lock of hair and stuck it in our windowed cabinet where we display special things . " Jay 1 . 29 . 13 " . Having no clue that the next time I 'd be cutting his hair was because he was brain dead , lying motionless in front of me . A few days later , I bought a plaster cast for his footprint . Those things aren 't easy to use . I tried relentlessly to get it right , placing his little wiggly foot on it over and over until I thought I had gotten the best we could get . The plaster ended up being flawed . By the time it dried , I had decided that I would buy another one and do it again . " Jay 2 / 4 / 13 " carved into it . 15 days later his hand would be placed into another one by the hospital staff for us to take home . We didn 't get to leave with our actual son . We left with a handprint . Which , as an aside , was worse than the one I did 2 weeks before . Facebook 's " On This Day " is particularly difficult . Pictures , status updates , all from this chick with two kids that has no idea what 's around the corner . Every year it 's like having to re - watch a horrible tragedy unfold slowly . " Oh , this is the part where the grandmother visits . Here 's where they take a family photo 3 days before he dies . Here 's the last picture ever taken of him … and they have no idea ! ! " It 's a vicious fucking rerun that I can 't avoid . Even if I stayed off of Facebook , it 's still in my head . Everything we did before everything changed . My husband and I discussed how weird it feels this year . It 's been 3 years now . 3 years ! It 's hard to fathom he 's been gone that long . There is a coating of dust on his urn as we speak . 3 years in an urn . Unthinkable . And that 's what it is right now : Unthinkable . For so long I was so steeped in it ; it was the only way to feel close to him . Now I feel like I 've run away for too long . Not on purpose , mind you , but I 've let myself get out of touch with the grief . It isn 't healthy to do that , at least for me . I find that when I stay away too long , it 's torture when it returns . It 's always better to keep your hand in some grief . Let yourself feel it all the time , just a bit , so you can control it . Turn your back on it , and it will eat you alive when you face it again . This is exactly what I 've done , and it 's going to be a bitch to deal with now . Grief Glasses Posted on December 15 , 2015 by A Life After Loss When you live through a traumatic experience , you look at things differently . You have your trauma sunglasses on , and while that can open up your world in many ways , you sometimes forget to take those glasses off and are unable to just live in the world as a normal person . Your child may be overly anxious or shy because they 've lived through something horrible . Or , that just might be the kid you gave birth to . It 's hard to tell sometimes . Once in awhile , after I pick my daughter up from school , we take a different route home because of the ridiculous amount of traffic in the area at that time . That route brings us near a cemetery . When we pass it , she often asks me if we can take a drive through the cemetery to look at the graves . We slowly drive past the headstones , remarking on the different sizes and shapes . She asks about the particularly old looking ones and asks me to read the dates to her . Then we figure out how many years ago that person died and talk about how long ago that was . Some of the graves are well over 100 years old . She asks other questions , too . Because of the job I used to have , I know more than anyone needs to know about burials and cremations . I should wear a t - shirt that says , " Ask me about your final arrangements ! " She asked me last week during our cemetery drive , " Will the rain leak into the grave ? " I went over how someone is buried . We talked about the casket , the coffin and how everything is sealed shut . She wanted to know why everything is sealed . We often talk about death as a return to nature , so she was befuddled why anyone would want to keep themselves from returning to life in another form . I explained that long ago , people felt it was very important to preserve themselves , so that they would always stay the same , even in death . Nowadays , while many still hold that belief , it is becoming more common to be cremated . Also , since land costs a lot of money , there simply isn 't room enough to bury everybody . We left the cemetery and resumed our drive home , and I wondered from where her curiosity stemmed . I know part of it is that she is enthralled with the idea of visiting someone 's grave . She wants a place where that person will be . A tangible spot . Not an urn , and not the vast ocean where her grandmother floats endlessly . But a place where the whole body is , together . A special place to go and be with that person is important to her . Death is something that she 's had to make room for in her life . It wasn 't distant relatives who died . She lost two very close people , one right after the other . Death was a project she was forced to take on , like a 1000 piece puzzle dropped on the head of a little girl . She 's still on the floor , working on this puzzle , trying to find where the pieces fit . It 's something she 'll work on for a long , long time . I have a memory of myself , at 10 years old , creeping into a closed cemetery to look around . I tried to get back over the gate and wound up stuck in mid - air , hanging off the gate by my cable knit sweater while my friends laughed hysterically . And at 18 , creeping through cemeteries at night with my boyfriend , walking around quietly , taking in the idea that I was surrounded by people who had once lived . I read the headstones , taking particular notice at the old ones , the dear babies and beloved wives , the pictures placed on the headstones , the stones left on top , and the ones so sunken in by countless storms that you could scarcely read who it was that was once placed there so lovingly . " Tell her that everything is going to be OK . Tell her nothing is going to happen to you . " I knew she was right , too . This wasn 't the time to keep it real for my daughter . She , no , we all , were traumatized and terrified . I needed to be able to shore her up . I was supposed to make her feel safe . And I did . For awhile , anyway . Over the course of many months , we slowly started coming back from the edge . However , the questions never stopped coming . " When will you die ? What will I do when I lose you ? Please don 't ever die , mama . " And I stopped lying to her . I didn 't break it down insensitively , but I was honest about the fact that death is a part of life . I reminded her that because mama and papa made Jay , we all have a bit of Jay in us . And when her grandmother died 18 months later , I reminded her that we are part Gramma . I tell her that yes , I will die one day , but that I take good care of myself and that I am doing everything I can to lead a long , healthy life . I don 't tell her that I 'm going to live to be a hundred . She 's seen firsthand that we truly don 't know when our time is up . It 's not my job to bullshit her until she 's an adult . It 's my job to remind her how precious life is . I also tell her that knowing that we all die makes me love everyone around me that much more . It makes me do things that sometimes scare me . It makes me do things that exhilarate me . It makes me say things that I would have been afraid to utter a few years ago ( and a few years ago I still said way more than I should have , so this might be a problem ) . Many friendships have deepened , fading friendships faded away completely , and I have had deeper conversations with my most cherished people than I think was ever possible before . No , losing my son and mother were not " blessings in disguise . " I just learned a few things . We hide death from our children . We teach them that only bad people die . Or that babies never die . Or that you 'll die when you 're 100 years old . I was talking to a friend the other day who said , " I love your blog . I mean , I can 't read it all the time because it makes me too sad , but it 's so great . " I felt sorry that she couldn 't even deal with my blog . Most grown adults tell me , " I can 't believe you 're able to stand here and talk to me like this . I never would have survived . " I absolutely hate that statement . A grown adult , speaking to me like a 5 year old would . The lies they were told as children are still looping around in their minds 40 years later : " I 'm glad that little thing called Death isn 't going to happen to me . I just couldn 't handle it . Whew ! " A couple of years ago , a wild , unknown animal caught a rat in our backyard and left the carnage on one of our stone steps . Of course , my daughter found it immediately . Instead of ushering her back inside , we looked at it together . It was a complete mess . Maggots were eating it , and ants were eating the maggots . She was fascinated by the whole thing , so I decided to turn it into a lesson about life . The rat was dead . Part of it was food for another animal , who got energy from that food to go do other things . Maybe it fed its babies . The maggots are eating the food and will become flies later . The ants are eating the maggots , which will give them energy to aerate the soil . The actual rat is dead , but the energy derived from that rat is keeping other living things going . The rat continues to help make the world go round , even though it 's not alive anymore . We continued to come back every few days to check on the rat . Eventually , it disappeared completely . The rat was now gone , but not before impacting countless other beings on this Earth . And while I may pull them up one day , there is a decent collection of moss and weeds where that rat once lay . Life . This is the way death should be explained to a child . It 's not just something you experience at the end of your life . It 's all around us , and is a necessary part of living . We eat plants and animals , all of which died . We receive that energy and that allows us to take care of ourselves and our loved ones . Without death , there is no life . I 'm still afraid of death . I will lie to myself just so I can get to sleep at night . Leaving my children too early is my greatest fear . But I know the truth , and my deep seeded fear is not going to make me shroud my children from what is not only a natural , but necessary , part of our world . I truly believe they will grow to be happier , healthier adults understanding that death isn 't something to look away from . In fact , it is only by looking at death realistically are we able to really understand life . We traveled down to my late mother 's house to celebrate Thanksgiving with family . I love being there . My husband and I sleep in her bed . I literally sleep exactly where she died . And I don 't care , either . Sometimes I fantasize that I 'm there all alone . I want to get into her bed and peer out at her room from under the covers . I want to imagine what she would be doing if she were still alive . I like to pretend I am a teenager and I get into her bed during summer vacation while she 's up in the morning getting ready for work . I don 't think you ever forget how your mom smells . I remember being in her bed and feeling cozy and happy . That smell conjures up feelings of safety and reliability . I barely ever smell it anymore these days , but when I 'm at her house , sometimes it still happens . I want to lie there and look at her pictures on the wall , stare at the titles of the books on the bookshelf . Look back into her closet and see the still - hanging clothes … the ones I couldn 't get rid of . I want to smell the ocean through the sliding glass door , and watch the white curtains blow gently until I close my eyes . I love being in her house . I 'll get ready in there , and think of something . " Oh damn , I wish I remembered my shower cap . " And then I 'll open a drawer and one will be tucked away in the back . " I forgot my lipstick . " There 's hers . " I wish I had remembered to bring a hair tie . " I look in a different drawer and it 's there . My husband remarks on the old , tiny kitchen . I see years of pulling open the cutlery drawer to make a sandwich . He balks at the 70 's countertop . I see countless conversations with my mother sitting on a kitchen stool , asking her about everything from friends to crushes to when would I finally , finally , finally start my period . " It must be hard being there with your mom gone , " someone said . No , it isn 't . She 's everywhere there . She 's everywhere and she 's not sick and feeling like complete shit . I still find little things there . Grocery store lists , random notes , cards she intended to send , but didn 't . It 's a treasure trove of my mother . It 's stopped in time . She died so quickly . I walk in , a year later , and it still looks like she 's just popped to the store . Slowly , very slowly , we are making it our own . We 're making decisions on furniture and what needs fixing . But I still treat it like it 's hers . I sweep the floor constantly . I dust as if I live there 24 / 7 . I pull the weeds , water the plants , and still take my shoes off when I come in . When we drag in sand from a beach outing , I immediately clean it up so she 's not disappointed . When Jay died , one of the first things a therapist told us was to take his carseat out . We were driving around with his carseat still installed for weeks . " It 's not good for you , and it 's not good for your daughter to sit back there and see that . Take it out now . " So , we did . And as soon as it was out , it was a relief . Seeing the empty carseat that used to hold your living child was torture for us and we didn 't realize it until it was out . That reminder did a lot of harm . But this isn 't like that . I feel like I 'll know when it 's time to let that house go . Or maybe it will just become our house naturally , and we 'll never let it go . Either way , for now , I still need it . It wasn 't just one thing . It was a collection of things . I 'd finish the frenetic morning breakfast / school lunch making / drop off routine , look down at my hands and notice all the spots I earned from decades of not wearing sunscreen . I 'd look in the rear view mirror and see dark circles under my eyes as well - worn ( and seemingly as old ) as the Nile River . I quit my job in February , which I certainly do not regret , but am having a hard time with the question " What exactly do you do ? " And therein would start the conversation of my son . I began feeling like an old , sun - spotted , unemployed Grief Queen . I felt neither interesting nor inspired . I began a healthy handful of blog posts , then would save the draft and go do something else . I had thoughts and ideas I wanted to share ; things I felt needed to be said , but suddenly just didn 't have the motivation to keep going . I had to take a break from putting my creative energy toward something that was so serious , so sad , and so solemn . Not that blogging makes me sad . In fact , it 's profoundly therapeutic . In fact , I should have kept going . But I didn 't . I ran away for awhile and began a new venture . I began a new creative outlet that made me forget about extraordinary sadness , sun spots and a stomach reminiscent of The Saggy Baggy Elephant . It 's something I intend to keep doing , but it 's good to get back to writing that has a whole bunch more heart . I was lying in bed the other day when math hit me over the head . I have been thinking about how my son has been gone for two years , and it never occurred to me during all those months of that thinking that year 3 was coming up soon . Christ fuck , 3 years ? ! How on earth could he be gone for that long ? I was watching Floyd in the bath tonight , all happy and laughs . Just having a gay old time , and it crushed me all of a sudden that all of the love and happiness that was Jay isn 't here . He 'll sit in my lap and all I see is the back of his head and feel his little warm body in my lap . I could be reading to Jay , but I 'm not . I 'm reading to his brother , who wouldn 't be here if he hadn 't died . And he did ! Floyd had his first dental appointment today ; a milestone Jay never reached . We sat down and the dentist said , " I just love his sweater ! " My gut reaction was to respond with , " Thanks , it 's his brother 's . " But I didn 't . I stopped at " Thanks " and spent the next minute wondering if I should have put that on Floyd today . Grief is a 24 hour a day , 7 day a week experience . You get breaks , sure , but you 're on call for grief for the rest of your life . You don 't know when you 'll be pulled into the sads , or get those dreadfully traumatic moments where you actually , fully take in what has happened to you , your family and your child . So you must forgive me for running away for awhile . But as I said , it 's a job that never goes away . I will always be back . For grieving parents : What do you do when you need to run away ? How do you take breaks in your own life ? Do you feel guilty when you do ? I do sometimes , but I do it anyway . Also , I would love to write more about topics that interest people . If you have any ideas for things you 'd like covered , please message me with your thoughts . I have always wanted this blog to have more reader comments and input , so please feel free to ask for any grief topic to be covered . |
When her pa didn 't come home for Christmas , she was disappointed more than worried . He often would disappear for a few days , especially while on a drunk . In fact , nothing made him want to drown his sorrows in a bottle more than a holiday . Hattie had resigned herself to it . But after four days , she started to worry a little . It wasn 't until his mule came home without him the following day that she was concerned enough to go to town and look for him . So she put the poor creature in the shed with an extra helping of oats before walking to town . As she crunched through the crystalized snow up to the top of her boots , she shivered . Her hem was soaked . It was a far piece to walk to town . That was one more reason why she hated to go there . By the time she stood outside of the saloon , Brown 's Bottle , her teeth were chattering , but she had to wait until someone was going in and could ask the barkeep if he had seen her pa . The bartender finally came out wiping his hands on his apron to look her over . " Nope . He ain 't been here since Christmas Eve . I know he was talking about needing to go home and spend Christmas with his girl . So you 're saying he never showed up ? " " I haven 't seen him since the twenty - third . It 's been five days , " she said . Hattie hoped it was true that he had planned to come home to spend Christmas with her , but she was coming to know in her heart , something was very wrong . " You could try the other watering holes , but as far as I know , he only frequented this one . I 'll put the word out though in case anybody else has seen him . But it might be best if you go talk to the sheriff . " " Thank you , Joe . " It was sad that he was the person she spoke to the most out of everybody in town . Lord knows , she 'd been in often enough to drag her pa home . But the next one she 'd spoken to the most , or rather who had spoken to her , was the sheriff . And it never was pleasant . Hattie dragged her feet to the small jailhouse and knocked on the door . All the times she had crossed paths with the man had been next to awful . He made it clear that he despised her father , and his distaste included her . It wasn 't easy being the daughter of the town drunk . Up to now , he had only locked her father up overnight to dry out . Could he have kept him longer ? When he didn 't answer , she sat down on the steps to wait . It was pretty cold though . By the time he came out of the diner , she was about frozen , shivering and with her teeth chattering and was losing the feeling in her toes . " What are you doing here ? " he said almost tripping over her where she sat . Hattie jumped up to speak to him , but suddenly slipped on the icy step . Her feet shot out from under her , and she flailed grabbing onto anything she could . It just so happened that she grabbed the sheriff and took him down with her . Somehow he 'd managed to roll her over on top so as not to crush her under him , meaning he took the brunt of the fall . As she looked down at him while splayed across his chest , his shock mirrored her own . With her next breath she was scrambling off apologizing . " I attacked your legs , nnot your arm , and yyes , I am his ddaughter . " She couldn 't help it that her teeth were chattering . " I 'm looking for my ppa . Haven 't sseen him since the ttwenty - third . " Her teeth chattering sounder faster than a telegraph operator typing . She had to concentrate on not rubbing her behind where it hurt from bouncing off the icy step . He didn 't have the same compunction and was rubbing his backside vigorously . " Well , I guess you 'd better come in and warm up by my stove . No sense in you freezing out here , and we 'll see what we can figure out about your father . " He unlocked the door , his boots stomping and his spurs jingling while he limped inside still rubbing his back pockets . She slipped in past him and almost hugged the fire . " You ought to pput some ssalt on that sstep before someone sseriously gets hurtt , " Hattie suggested . Her teeth were still chattering . " How do you know somebody didn 't just get hurt bad already ? I think I 'm more bruised up than bareback breaking a Cayuse with a two inch high backbone . Stand back for a minute while I add another log , " Sheriff North grumbled while she chewed her lip to keep from making a smart aleck retort . " Coffee ? " he gruffed . " Yes , pplease . " " Drink this and then I 'll put on a fresh pot . " He wiped the rim of his cup with his shirt tail that had pulled loose in their tumble , then poured the black brew and handed it over . It looked thick enough for a spoon to stand up in . " Thank yyou , " she stuttered between shivers while wondering about his dubious cleanliness as she stared down at the warm cup blowing off its steam . But oh , my ! It felt good to get warmth in her even if the brew was as black as the inside of a mule . Which reminded her . . . " Pa 's mule came home this morning without him . I checked Brown 's Jug , and he hasn 't been there since Christmas Eve when he said he was coming home . " Finally , she 'd stopped her shivers . " Nothing new . I don 't remember a Christmas with him staying home since Ma died . He can 't face it without her , I guess . " He snorted . " That 's a lousy excuse to leave your lil ' gal at home by herself , " he growled . The man wiped his hand down across his face . " You got any other family ? " She eyed him , wanting in the worst way to be able to go sit down to a good meal cooked by someone else . She 'd never been waited on before . Her stomach even growled in agreement , but still she was wary . Keeping to herself , mostly due to the shame of her father , left her uneasy around anybody , the sheriff most of all . But the thought of trudging home in the cold without eating made her give in and go . He escorted her across the street and two doors down . Opening the door for her , the heat and scrumptious smells from the kitchen won her over . He led her to a table in the back of the narrow room , and sat across from her for a moment . It was enough to make Hattie nervous . She 'd never been treated by the sheriff , or any man so courteously . It caused Hattie to wonder what he was doing it for . Sheriff North ordered a plate for her then got up to leave . " I 'll go ask around town and see if anyone has seen your pa . Wait here . " Hattie tucked in the steaming food that was so good she was tempted to lick her plate . Instead , she ran her finger over it and licked up the last bit of gravy looking around to see if anyone noticed her bad manners . Sure enough , there were curious eyes upon her . Her feet were still thawing as she curled and uncurled her toes in her boots wishing she could stomp them under the table to bring the feeling back . She hadn 't come to town for quite a spell . She 'd avoided it ever since Shannon McGee made fun of her when Hattie hiked into church one day . So what if her dress wasn 't pretty or the latest style . At least it was clean and decent . She still remembered all the glares from those who walked a far circle around her in the church yard avoiding her as if she wore the stain of her pa upon her person . So , from then on she told her pa it was up to him to bring home groceries from town , that she wasn 't going there anymore . " And that means I 'm not pulling you out of Brown 's Bottle or the jail anymore either ! " He 'd only hung his head and grunted , but did as she asked . Of course , it meant that they often ran out of things needed before he remembered to go to the mercantile . Or more like as not , he 'd spend his money in the saloon filling his stomach with liquor and leaving her to go without . Hattie sighed with pleasure at her full stomach now , but also with unease with her plight . She had to make it home before dark , especially when she glanced out the window and saw dark clouds piling up threatening more snow . She couldn 't wait on the sheriff any longer , so she headed out . When Hattie stepped outside , she knew the temperature was dropping . She hurried ploughing through the mid - calf deep snow drifts trying to find the footsteps that she had made on her way to town . The cold stole her breath and made her teeth ache . She tucked her hands under her armpits . Even with her wool mittens , she was losing the feeling in her fingers . Her toes were completely numb so she walked on wooden legs . She had to get home . The wind was making her struggle for each step . " Miss Chandler ! " Someone was hollering her name . Hattie turned and looked back . Someone was coming up on her , but she couldn 't see through the sleet that was beginning . " Miss Chandler , " the man called . It was Sheriff North . " You should have stayed in town . There 's a bad storm coming on us real fast . Here , " he said pulling his boot out of the stirrup , " put your foot in there . I can hitch you up the rest of the way and give you a ride home . " She was too cold to open her mouth , but the sheriff answered her unspoken question . " No one has seen your pa since before Christmas Eve . Sorry . When this storm is over , I 'll round up a group of men to search for him , but I can 't risk any lives to go out in it right now . I was afraid I wouldn 't be able to find you in time . " That made Hattie wonder why he cared . However , she could already feel the heat of his body radiating to her as he had pulled her up close in front of him in the saddle and was grateful . No telling what would have happened to her if he 'd not come along . Hattie was relieved when her cabin was in sight . She was feeling like the fire had gone out inside her , and the cold had packed deep down . Since there was no smoke from her chimney , no doubt , the stove in her cabin had died as well . So the first thing she 'd need to do was to build some log - licking flames from the coals , ' cause she was colder than a hard - packed snowball . Hattie knew the sheriff would have to warm up too before he headed back out in the storm which was about to unleash its fury , if he still could , that is . The grey frozen sky suddenly swallowed them in a squalling heavy snow that just about obliterated the sight of the cabin . It was good that they were almost there . Sheriff North helped her down and pushed her through her own door as the wind tried to keep it shut by force . Once inside he knelt before the stove and blew on the embers before feeding it kindling . Finally it caught and he was able to load a couple of logs into it . When he stood beside her , they both held out frozen fingers waiting for the burn that came with thawing . He looked around . Hattie was embarrassed . No one ever had come in except she and her pa . It was small , but she kept it clean . It was spare , but it had all they needed to survive , well , except there was a severe lack of groceries . But she could survive on the flour , cornmeal , dried beans and a slab of bacon she still had in stock , at least for a couple of days . Once she could bend her fingers , she 'd make a pot of coffee and rustle up something to feed the both of them . Her eyes went to him and then darted away to look out the window . " It doesn 't appear that you 'll be going anywhere right soon . That 's a whiteout , and certain to lose anyone who went out in it . " Yes , the other side of the house . Pa strung a rope from the side of the house to it since that time I almost didn 't make it back to the house in another storm like this a couple of years ago . It won 't help though if you 've lost feeling in your hands . You might want to tie a rope over it and around your waist so you won 't get lost . That 's as thick of a blizzard as I 've ever seen . This is more than a pillow fight by a few angels tossing the white stuff down . It 's more like they threw down the whole stinking sky - sized feather bed , kit and caboodle , all at once . She threw a pot of coffee on , and it was quiet between them as they listened to the wail of the storm that whipped against the sturdy logs of the cabin . " The mule will be glad for company , I imagine . Two can keep warm better than one . " She swallowed hard and said , " Thank you for coming along and bringing me home . I thought I could out run the storm , but I know now that I wouldn 't have made it . I would have perished out there . It 's probably what happened to my pa . " She used her shoulder to wipe a stray tear . We had a snowing on Christmas Eve , but nothing like this . Still , if he wasn 't fully in control of his faculties , if you know what I mean , he might have fallen off somewhere between here and town and not been able to get up . " She had no more to say to this man . She didn 't know whether he was just scowling more or was deep in thought . " What kind of man would I be to let a little snippet of a gal go out and freeze to death , no matter whose daughter she was ? Well , I guess I 'll go out and see to my horse now , " he added . Hattie didn 't know whether to think kindly on what he just said or be insulted . Still she replied , " Shoot your gun if you get disoriented , then I 'll shoot mine . That was always my pa 's advice . He was pretty smart if he put his mind to it . . . " if he didn 't drown his smarts in a bottle first , she meant . " I 'll also put a light in the window for you too . " That made her feel a little shivery way deep in her chest , like she had a catch in her breath . Must be the cold , she thought . She 'd never thought nothing of him as a person , just as the dreaded man who would put her pa in the jail for disorderly conduct . He had once told her , as if he was the good guy , that he did it to give him a safe place to dry out . She 'd doubted that . Her pa couldn 't stand the man . That she did know . He 'd be incensed if he knew the sheriff was standing here in his own cabin . But when the man stood next to her and she looked up , it was the first time she 'd seen his eyes . Always before she looked down in shame when speaking to him , barely able to lift her head . He was younger than she thought . , and a right pretty man , in a rugged sort of way . Once she had poured herself a cup of coffee and drained it dry , she put on a skillet of bacon on the small Franklin stove . She 'd make drop biscuits to go along with it , and got out her Dutch oven . He came in when she had her hands in the sticky dough ready to plop them in the iron pan . Even knowing he was coming back , it still made her jump when the wind tore the door out of his hands . She ran over and pulled it shut . With a loud thudding , he dropped an armload of firewood into the bin from the logs stacked up on the porch . It was like he 'd brought the whole storm in with him . The cabin was freezing again . He was covered with snow and melting puddles on the floor as he thawed out . If he 'd been pa , she 'd have brushed him off , but she left him to tend to himself . They both hovered by the stove until the cabin warmed up again . When he could talk without his teeth chattering , he said , " Fed the animals . Broke some ice to make sure they had some water too . " He went on , " Brr . I 'm glad you suggested tying myself to that rope to pull along . Sure enough my hands lost their feeling before I made it back . I don 't know if I could have held on or not . It may only be a little below zero , but that wind sure has a meaner bite to it . Lord knows you can 't see a thing in the swirling snow . But my Lordy , it sure smells good in here ! Mind if I pour myself another cup of coffee ? " " Golly Gee Willikers ! " but he stammered to a stop and put out his hands when he saw her rounding on him with a rolling pin . " Darn it all , Ma ' am ! If you were to hear the language coming out of the mouths of those yahoos I lock up . . . " and he refused to mention her pa was right smack dab in the middle of them , " you 'd think I was using right smart flowery speech around you . " There wasn 't any butter , but they could put bacon in the biscuits or a glob of jam on them . She got out her last jar of blackberry jam she 'd put up last summer . After all , he was company . She plunked down their copper plates and put out a couple of knives to cut the biscuits with . As soon as the biscuits were done and hot , they sat down to eat . He said , " Mind if I pray ? " She was shocked mute but bowed her head and closed her eyes . She felt a warmth as his words melted like butter inside . " Dear God in heaven , Since you decided to open the vaults of the snow , I thank you that I was able to find Miss Chandler here in time and that we have a warm shelter and good food . Bless the hands that made it . In Jesus name , Amen . " After that though , they ate in silence across from each other at their small table . Neither said a word until he 'd eaten most of the biscuits and sat back seemingly satisfied . " Those were some mighty fine biscuits , and that jam was as good as I 've ever had . They hit the spot . " She blushed . She hated when that happened , and couldn 't look him in the eye . But when she did glance up , Hattie could see him looking over the cabin . It wasn 't much . Pa 's big bed was in the room , same as the stove , and the table . There was a small crawl space above where she slept . The rope ladder was fastened to the side of the house up to the partial loft . Pa had told her that if any man came ever home with him , to go up there and pull the ladder up after her . She 'd do that tonight . But now he was looking at the book she 'd been reading and had left on the trunk . " I don 't mind , " she said . It 'd sure beat sitting around trying to think of something to say to this stranger with a badge . Then she wouldn 't even have to look him in the eye either . A faint smile crept to her lips . But when she found him staring at her , she lost it just as fast . " I can get those , " she said embarrassed . Pa had never lifted a finger to do anything like that . Hattie didn 't know what to make of him . She was pretty isolated here . Her only friend was the widow Cooper who lived across the creek and up a ways , but that woman was nearly fifty years old . When Hattie got pretty desperate for someone to talk to , she 'd hike to her cabin . The widow had taught her a lot . She loaned her books too . But the sheriff was no Mizz Cooper . Hattie had never gotten around to asking the woman about men and how to act around them . She hadn 't seen the widow since Thanksgiving . Pa had sent over a chicken for her , saying that " the fool woman might need something to keep her alive . " That sure surprised Hattie , but she was glad to deliver it . She even plucked the feathers for her first . Mizz Cooper sure enough was glad to have the naked bird . She 'd sent home a pie , from the apples in her orchard . Pa had waited until they ate that up before he hit the bottle . Dishes didn 't take no time at all to do up . Hattie took up the book , then scraped her chair away from the table and sat down in front of the fire . He sank into her ma 's rocker stretching out his legs . " I borrowed it from Mizz Cooper and usually read a book two or three times before I take it back and get another . She has more books than sticks of firewood . I hope she 's staying warm . Pa and I try to go over ever so often . He chops while I stack . Pa always teases her telling her she could burn her books and stay warm all winter , " Hattie said smiling . " Of course he 's just kidding . " " Mizz Cooper is a nice woman . She brings me a pie oft when she comes to town . She says it 's thanks for finding your pa and giving him a bed in the jail as I often do . I didn 't know he helped her out though . That 's a fine thing to do . " That thought made her mind swim through a sea of confusion . Mizz Cooper grateful for how the sheriff treated her pa ? Hmm . Not knowing what to say , she just began reading raising her voice over the storm . After a couple of hours the words blurred and her eyelids drooped . " I 'm going to have to stop now . I sleep up there , " she pointed to the small loft , " and you can take pa 's bed . Don 't worry , I washed his sheets hoping he 'd make it home , so they are clean . Good night . " She knew the sheriff watched her as she climbed her rope ladder . She could see him out of the corner of her eye when she pulled it up after her . Shivering on her knees before her bed , Hattie sighed . Snow had sifted down from the cracks in the ceiling where the shingles were missing . Her bed was covered in little white drifts . She gathered her quilt up by the corners and shook it out over the edge of her loft . " I 'll watch my back , " she said still smiling . Then she her countenance fell . " Sheriff , what do you think happened to my pa ? Do you think he 's coming back , or is he frozen out there somewhere . " He wiped his hand down his serious face and looked up . " I don 't know what to tell you , Miss Hattie , but his chances of being found alive are pretty slim . I checked with any neighbors between here and town in case he bedded down with them . Sorry , I can 't give you more hope . " He looked sympathetically at her . That stunned Hattie . No one had ever hinted that she was a lady . She 'd just been the town drunk 's unfortunate chit . Even Mizz Cooper always treated her as no more than a child . Nevertheless , she threw her blanket and pillow over the side yelling , " Catch ! " Oops , she 'd thrown it down on him . " Sorry , " but she felt a giggle rise up . She was still smiling as she climbed down the ladder . She pulled another of the blankets off her pa 's bed and gave it to him . " Here , you can use both of those blankets to make a bed , but you 'll have to circle three times like a dog does before you lay down on the hearth . " She 'd never teased anyone like this before and didn 't know what had come over her . ' Course , she 'd never had a man - stranger in the house before either . She kept her eyes away as he pulled off his boots . They thudded on the ground one at a time . That jerked her eyes back unintentionally , and she saw him take off his vest with the badge and hang it on her chair . Hattie then rolled over with her back to him for good and certain . She was churned up with worry over her pa , but then relaxed after praying and slept well . " Morning sunshine , " the sheriff said grinning . " Do you always sleep this late ? " He had a pot of coffee on and was frying up some bacon . " I was hoping you 'd wake up and make some more of your biscuits . " Hattie threw off her covers embarrassed and hurriedly put her legs out over the edge of the bed , remembering a little late to pull her dress down to hide them . Her hair had all but flown free of her braid in her sleep . But when she looked out the windows , she could see the drifts had nearly covered them . He 'd noticed but politely looked out too . " I 'll have to shovel my way out the door to get to the animals . The snow 's still coming down heavily , but at least the wind 's not blowing as hard . " It actually was extra quiet as if they were in a snow cocoon . " I 'll make the biscuits . Won 't take long since you already have a good fire . " She jumped out of bed , and mixed up a batch as fast as she could . Hattie didn 't know when she 'd slept so long . She guessed she was used to listening all night for her pa to come in . It was wearisome . But with him good and gone , it was another kind of dread to wake up to . " Nope . With this kind of storm , people know to stay sheltered . There wouldn 't be too much call for folks to need me if I was in town , other than looking for your pa , " he said softly . " I 'm truly sorry about that . " She nodded swallowing back her tears . She 'd cried some smothered in her pillow last night , but wasn 't going to go soft in front of him now . However , her idea of the cold sheriff was starting to melt a little . After they ate another silent meal at the table , he again expressed his appreciation and took his plate over to the snow they 'd melted to wash in . " I 'll get these . I know you want to get out to the stock , " she offered . He could barely shove the door open against the snow that had blown up and drifted onto the porch . First he handed in some more logs , then shut the door only to be swallowed up by the cold . She heard him shoveling , scraping the heavy white blanket away . When it got quiet , she knew he had gone to the stable . Even though it was daytime , it was still eerily dark in the storm . Hattie lit the lantern and put it in the window facing the path to the animals and watched for him to come back . Sure enough , the door banged open again surprising her . " Glad that 's done , " he said . " It 's cold enough to turn me into an icicle ! " Once again she shut the door since his arms were full of firewood . Just as she was about to turn and hand him a cup of coffee , a snowball hit her smack dab in the back . Hattie barely kept from dropping his cup . upon turning around , she saw him standing there grinning . Only this time his eyes snared hers , and she was caught in their trap as sure as a rabbit in a snare . " Sorry , I shouldn 't have done that , " he mumbled starting to lose his smile . A smile teased her lips . " Just wait . I 'll catch you unawares . You don 't lock people up who throw snowballs at the sheriff , do you ? " He grinned slyly as he said , " If I wanted them close at hand , I might . " Then his smile vanished as he ran his hand over his face . " Well , did you want to talk now ? " " I figure we could come up with some options , and you can decide what to do , if worse comes to worse , that is . " He blew on his coffee and took a sip , " Umm . Let 's see , the most obvious solution would be for you to marry . " He was looking down at his wet boots . " What ! That 's plum crazy . I don 't have a beau . " She looked at him dumbfounded . Then she grabbed a rag and started mopping up her mess hoping to hide her bright blush . " What are you saying then ? I just go to town and find me a husband ? The only men I know of frequent Brown 's Bottle , and I want nothing to do with a drinking man , " She said adamantly . " There 's a few good men in town , not many , but a few , " he said gently . " I can ask around . Since you 've tucked yourself away , I doubt many even know you 're here . We could ride to town , and I could introduce you , " he said with his eyes steady upon her . " Sometimes these long winter nights makes a man think of . . . " he cleared his throat , " of needing some companionship . " He colored up a bit . " What are my other options ? " Hattie crossed her arms over her chest and asked refusing to be backed into a marriage corner . She 'd come out swinging first . When he took his time answering , she found herself twiddling the end of her braid she 'd just redone while he was outside . " You could try to find a job in town , but I 'm not aware of anyone hiring . Business always in a slump in the winter . Suddenly he glared saying , " But don 't even think about letting any barkeeps offer for you to wash dishes or something , " he said glaring at her . " I doubt we could find her . Pa didn 't even know her married name . While you were out with the stock , I looked through the trunk and couldn 't find any old letters . I 'm afraid that 's a dead end , " she sighed , then brightened . " I could stay here by myself . Maybe in the summer I could grow enough in my garden to sell my truck in town . I know how to hunt and fish and trap . I could sell my skins too . That might tide me over , " she said hopefully as if trying to convince herself . She stared out the window daring any tears to fall as she fought despair . Finally she broke the quiet that had fallen . Hattie practically whispered , " I suppose I should marry . Never thought about it before since pa needed me . But what if no one wants me ? " The sheriff snorted . " Nothing to worry about there . I could put a good word in for you , " he said running his hands through his hair . " Maybe that 's not a good idea just yet , " he sighed . " I 'll try to keep it quiet about having to hole up here in this storm with you so your reputation will be kept as pure as the driven snow . " He attempted a smile , but knew he 'd alarmed her . " I never gave that any thought , " she sighed . " Besides , you 've been respectful of me , and I thank you , especially since you 're the law and I 'm just the daughter of a drunk . People might not give me the benefit of the doubt , but surely they would expect that you 've acted as a gentleman . " " Of course , most would . But there 's always a vicious one out there who lives for malicious gossip . The Bible says we 're to avoid any appearance of evil , but that 's nigh impossible in this storm . " " We might have to bury your father right away , then hurry you into a marriage . Once that happens , you should be safe from vicious tongues . There 's probably several men who wouldn 't mind taking over this property . It 's a nice piece though your father didn 't work it much , " he glanced at her and saw her shame . " Sorry , I didn 't mean . . . " The sheriff took her work calloused hands into his rough ones and waited until she looked up at him . " Miss Hattie , God is your Father . You are His daughter . He took your shame on the cross . Just remember , you are only responsible for your own sins , not your pa 's . " He let go of her hands , but ran his finger down her cheek then lifted her face so she would have to look at him . " Besides , you are a lovely young woman . Any man would be delighted to make you his wife . Somewhere in Isaiah chapter 62 , it says " Thou shalt no more be termed Forsaken . . . instead thy land Beulah or married ; for the Lord delighteth in thee . " I can 't quote it all perfectly , but it goes something like that . Hattie studied his eyes , a golden brown with glints of green under his half closed lids which were rimmed by dark lashes below just as dark brows . She took a deep breath and let it out . " Thank you , Sheriff . I don 't even know your name , but I 'll never forget the kind things you 've said . It 's almost enough to make me believe you . " She smiled gratefully but swallowed hard . " If you can 't believe me , believe the Scripture , young lady ! " he grinned pulling his hands away . " Houston . My name is Houston North . It 's been awhile since anyone 's asked me . " For supper she made cornpone and beans with more bacon . They took turns reading to each other , staying up late until they finished the entire book . Hattie had never enjoyed a book more . He was good company . She loved hearing his low voice reading like distant thunder rumbling . Hattie also was wont to study his face as he read . His chestnut hair fell almost down in his eyes , and he kept swiping it away . Of course , he was as brown as a nicely tanned deer hide from being outside . He made her mother 's rocking chair look small with his lanky legs stretched out and with his huge hands cradled the book . Hattie had heard that he 'd served the North in the war between the states . Her brother who had died had also served the North , but most of the young men hereabouts had been riled up for the South . The sheriff was still just a young man , not nearly as old as she had once thought . He was probably about the age her brother would have been . Houston stretched and yawned . " I 'm glad you don 't have cows that have to be milked , Miss Hattie . The beasts in the stable can wait until morning for me . I think I 'll just put on another log and call it a day . " Handing her book back , his fingers touched hers and he hung onto the book longer than necessary . Then he studied her as if he was reading her like a book wondering how it would end . Finally , he dropped his eyes and just said , " Thanks , Miss Hattie , for sharing the book with me . That was a good story , " he glanced back up , " one I 'll always remember , especially nice having shared it with you . " Feeling suddenly very shy , Hattie said nothing , but crawled into bed . She pulled the covers up to her chin leaving her back to this man sleeping in the house . She was alone . With him . He turned out the lantern . She lay there awake trying to fathom what it would be like to be married . Her parents had been happy together since pa had not begun drinking until after her ma and brother were gone . It was hard to remember those happy times before the war , when her brother was still alive and her mother was still with them . Now it might be her pa 's turn to be buried . Then she 'd be very much alone . Would any other man be as nice as the sheriff ? What did it mean to feel something funny when his hand touched hers as he gave her back the book ? Did he feel it too ? Is that why he looked at her so long like he ached ? She could tell by his breathing that he was still awake too , but it was improper to talk to him , especially about such things . Besides , she couldn 't put into words the confusion she felt . Her eyes almost hurt when she opened them the next day due to the sun gleaming off the brilliant snow lighting up the cabin . The sky had dressed in her periwinkle gown , as her mother would have said . Then she realized , the sheriff would leave now . She 'd be alone again . Hattie closed her heart to self pity . She didn 't have time for that . In fact , he was gone , but his gun belt was still here . Houston must be out taking care of the animals . Hattie needed to hurry up and make more biscuits . He could clean out the rest of the jam out of the jar today . She grinned at the thought of the way he enjoyed it , closing his eyes almost with every bite . The biscuits were baking , the bacon was crisping , and the coffee was perking when he came in . Houston looked at her with half a grin and said , " Happy New Years ! It 's pouring sunshine on us for now , but the snow is plenty deep . After breakfast , I 'll go to town and round up a search party . " His eyes studied hers . " Will you be okay , or would you rather I take you to the Widow Cooper 's house first ? " She stiffened her back . " I 'm alright alone . I 'm used to it . " He just frowned . It was a quiet breakfast . After he 'd put his dish and cup in the soapy water , Houston tugged on his coat . He stood looking at her . Finally , he said , " It 's been a pleasurable time with you , Miss Hattie . Thank you for the good food and company . I 'll come by late this afternoon and let you know if we found anything . " He gave her a sideways hug and kissed the top of her head . " Take care . Don 't run off anywhere . The snow 's deep enough to swallow you whole , " he winked . With that he was gone , and her life was empty . It took her just a moment to put away the blankets he 'd folded . Her father 's bed was made . She swept , but the floor wasn 't dirty . She 'd wiped up the melted snow already . Hattie wasn 't ready to read the book again they 'd shared . It just didn 't seem right quite right yet after having read it together . So , she got out her mother 's Bible and read that . Hattie prayed they 'd find her pa . Good to his word , Houston came by with several men on horseback to say that he was calling off the search . She met them out in the yard . They 'd found nothing . " Better not , Miss Hattie . Thank you anyway , and sorry I don 't have better news . " He looked her steadily in the eye to make sure she was alright . She nodded slightly at him and said , " I didn 't really expect any . " Then she raised her voice and said to the other men gathered , " Thank you gentlemen for looking for my pa . I do appreciate it . " That was as much as she could say without her eyes brimming over as she worked hard to contain them . When the men left , she could hear their voices with a word here or there snatched away by the wind and carried back to her ears . They seemed to be joshing the sheriff about something . Did she just hear them laughing . " Two nights ? " There was more boisterous laughing , then she caught someone saying , " She 's a looker , " and " Lucky dog ! " Then they were gone . She stood with her hands fisted . " Stupid men . " She went in and slammed the door . Who would want to marry her now ? Maybe someone who wanted her property badly enough , she thought . Tomorrow she 'd go see the pastor about a service for her pa . Hattie sighed . At least the men 's horses had trampled out enough of a path through the snow for her mule to follow into town . The next morning , she was ready to ride . The sky was such an intense blue , it was as if heaven was watching over her . But somehow all Hattie wanted to do was see Houston once her mule plodded into town . She slid off in front of the sheriff 's office and knocked on his door . He seemed shocked to see her standing there . Then he looked around before inviting her in . " Good morning , Miss Hattie . Can I help you ? " He seemed stiff for some reason . " I came into town for two reasons . I 'm going to see the reverend about having a service for my pa , and then I want to meet some of those men you said might want to marry me . " She had no idea how she still stood there without fainting after making such an outlandish declaration , but she had no choice except to face reality . Besides , it was his idea . He said he would find potential husband candidates for her , and she 'd hold him to it . Hattie had worn her nicest dress though she had nearly outgrown it and the buttons strained down her front . She even did her hair up for once , but the wind had ripped it down again and stolen all her hair pins by the time she reached town . " Miss Hattie , I . . . ugh . . . " The man almost looked scared . " Give me a moment to think . " He drove his fingers through his hair almost as if he wanted to pull it out . It had seemed so simple when talking in the cabin . He looked up at the ceiling , then down to his boots , clicking one after another off the list in his head . Finally he said , " I 'll round up a couple men on such short notice , men who are in town . Then I 'll meet you at the preacher 's . " When her eyes grew round he said , " Just to introduce you , that 's all . " She relaxed a mite . " Thank you . " She mounted her mule and turned its head away . Blinking back tears , she finally realized what was upsetting her . She had hoped that the sheriff himself might be interested , would speak for her , but evidently not . She guessed she wasn 't that good of a catch after all . She rode to the church as if going to a hanging . Her throat tightened as if it were squeezed by a rope . She didn 't know which was worse , burying her pa or having to marry a stranger . A sleigh sat outside the church with horses steaming their breath . She didn 't know what to do . Should she knock or just go right on in . She decided to quietly enter the sanctuary and wait . As her eyes adjusted from the brightness outside to the dim interior she screamed , " Pa ! " and went running down the aisle . Mizz Cooper was there too along with the preacher and the doctor . " Where were you ? " she demanded once she quit hugging him . " The sheriff had a search party out looking for you . We all thought you were surely dead lying frozen in a snowbank somewhere . " Hattie looked back and forth between her Pa and Mizz Cooper . He was looking almost sheepish and the widow Cooper was blushing . Hattie 's eyes grew wider looking beyond them where she saw the preacher standing there with his book open in front of them . She ignored his gaping mouth . The doctor wasn 't much better . " Are you getting , " she gulped , " married ? " " Anyway , " she smiled sweetly up at him , " He had a touch of lung fever , but it was the alcohol shakes and demons that he had to be rid of . The doctor , then the preacher stopped by . They both agreed he shouldn 't be moved . " " Next thing you know , that storm hit . It was a doozy ! Were you okay darling ? " her pa asked . " I wasn 't too worried since you have a good head on your shoulders and knew better than to go out in the storm . " Hattie 's mouth dropped open . She sure as goodness knows hoped that was true . The preacher cleared his throat , and they all looked up at him . He stared her down . " The talk in town is that the sheriff was out to your place for two nights during the storm . Is that true , Miss Hattie ? " " Pa , he rescued me from freezing to death in the storm . I 'd walked to town looking for you , but the storm caught up with me before I could get back home . He found me just in time right as it broke . Of course , he couldn 't go back out in the blizzard . It would have been certain death . . . " Her pa was still growling as the back door of the sanctuary burst open . Three men were silhouetted by the bright winter sunshine behind them . She didn 't recognize two of them , except the third one she 'd know anywhere . " Sorry , gentlemen . It was kind of you to come , but I won 't be needing you any time soon , " she said as gently as she could . They thundered back down the aisle jostling each other in their hurry on their way out to escape . Evidently their mamas never taught them that it wasn 't reverent to run in church . Houston looked at her out of the corner of his eye with his eyebrow arched not daring to take his eyes completely off her father who looked as riled as a rattlesnake coiled to strike . " You ! " he hissed . " You spent two nights in our very home with my defenseless daughter . I demand that you marry her here and now for the sake of her reputation ! " " Papa ! " she exclaimed . " How rude ! This man doesn 't want to marry me . " She swallowed that hurt down like a burr . " Besides , he was the perfect gentleman . " She 'd just thrown fuel on the fire . Her pa , who 'd never liked the sheriff anyway , blaming him for having to spend so many nights in jail in a drunken state , was turning redder than a hot coal . Even Mizz Cooper was trying to calm him down now . Houston was backing up with his hands in front of him . " Believe you me , I know she 's desirable , I mean , she 's as fine as a fresh breeze on a summer day , as a warm fire during a cold snowstorm , " he swallowed knowing he 'd just said all the wrong things . " But I can 't marry your daughter . I 'm already married ! " He looked at her in misery , and said just to her , " I would marry you if I was free , but I 'm not . " " Last I heard she was still back in Franklin , Tennessee . We 'd only been married less than a month when I enlisted . " Houston didn 't say how terrible that first month had been , everything but marital bliss . He hadn 't realized he 'd married a hornet with a stinger . He ran his hand through his hair since he 'd respectfully taken his hat off in church . " When I told her I was leaving so I could sign up for the North , she had a real hissy - fit , carrying on and wailing to wake the dead . The corker was that she told me not to bother coming home , that if I was going to fight for the North , that I didn 't need to ever come back to her , that I was dead to her . So after the war , I never went back . A friend had written that the house I 'd inherited from my grandfather was gone anyway , burned down . No one said what happened to her . I never asked . I never really cared before now . I was determined to be a bachelor all the rest of my days . " He looked at Hattie with regret . " But I 'll swear on the Bible , that one right there in the preacher 's hands , that I never touched your daughter . " Her hand went up to where he 'd stroked her cheek so gently . " It 's true , Pa . It 's like I said . He was stuck with me in the house , but was the perfect gentleman . As soon as the weather cleared , he rounded up a group of men to go out looking for you . " Then she looked at the pastor accusingly , " You knew ? You knew my pa was alive and didn 't tell me ? " He coughed nervously . " And you ? " she glared at the doctor who was turning an unbecoming red . " How could you torture me , leaving me to think the worst . " The pastor ran his finger around his collar . " I just assumed the doctor here had told you . I guess he assumed I had . Then the storm hit . After that by then we both assumed at least by now , your pa surely would have come by . " " Wouldn 't worry ? You 've been gone eight days at least , pa ! The mule came home without you ! Why did you think I wouldn 't be worried sick ? " He shrugged sheepishly again , but then looked back at the sheriff , and his face hardened . He stalked right up and got in the sheriff 's face and poked his finger into his chest as he said , " As for you , Sheriff , I suggest you send a telegram right now to Franklin , Tennessee , to see if you are still a married man or not . And if you are , then do right by your wife . If not , I 'll see you back here waiting with the preacher . " Hattie watched consternation turn into resolve on his face then hope as he looked at her . Houston said , " Yes , sir . I 'll send my friend a message . His business isn 't far from the telegraph office . I heard he made it through the war and went back home , but I haven 't contacted him since the war 's been over . We were close friends once , but he wore the grey while I wore the blue . I hope he would tell me the truth . " Hattie slipped into a pew and watched as her pa married her best friend , Mizz Cooper . She couldn 't begin to think where they 'd all live now . Would her pa think that she should stay in their house alone while he moved into the widow 's more comfortable home ? As many times as she 'd been there , she couldn 't think if there was even an extra bedroom or a loft at the widow 's . She was too shook up right now . Hattie couldn 't begin to imagine what her father meant by what he said about the sheriff meeting him back here at church if . . . Then again , she asked herself , what she would do if his wife came out here to be with him . If that was the case , Hattie determined never to step foot back in town again , ever . That would be one more reason not to . She couldn 't bear it . She 'd become the peculiar spinster who lived by herself , a recluse . Maybe she 'd even tame a raccoon for a pet . Her mind wandered as she tried to think up a name for a pet wild thing . No sooner had the preacher pronounced them man and wife , than her father smouched his new wife a good one . Hattie looked away shuddering . Then the door banged open again . The preacher really needed to do something about the way it did that . But her thoughts were all gone from her head as soon as she realized who it was , as empty as an egg sucked clean by a hound dog . There before her was a grinning sheriff marching down the aisle spurs ajingling . Instead of getting down on one knee , however , he scandalously swooped her up and put her on his lap right there in her pew and kissed her in front of God and everybody . She could hear more than the preacher gasping hard for air . " Miss Hattie , I 'd be much obliged if you 'd have me for your husband . " Then he kissed her again as if he 'd been desiring to do that for days . It put all kinds of new ideas into her empty head . Finally , her pa tapped him on the shoulder . " Looks like you two are next . I take that to mean that you are a free man , sheriff ? " " Yes sir . It seems everyone back there thought I had died in the war since I never came home . My wife up and remarried right away to some surviving soldier who wore her favored color gray . So , I 'd say I 'm available . I 'm just waiting to hear from my dear , sweet Hattie . " He looked back at her . Somehow , his grin had grow even bigger and his eyes were twinkling . When she found the power of speech again , Hattie said , " As long as you promise no more snowball fights in the house , I 'll say yes . " He threw back his head and laughed . " I promise that we 'll be too busy to have snowball fights as long as you promise to read to me after supper every night , among other things . " He winked , and his grin held more mischief now than was proper in church . Hattie jumped up with her face flaming and said , " Well , we 'd better tie the knot then , I guess . " And they did as witnessed by her pa who was chewing his moustache trying to reconcile having the sheriff as a son - in - law , and by the new Mrs . Chandler who was finally realizing that Hattie had grown up , and by a chagrined physician who finally got his right color back , and by the minister who signed the marriage license with a shaky hand . Two weddings in one day ? That was his personal best , a new town record ! Welcome to my blog ! We raised three children then fost - adopted three more , two of whom are at home . I 'm a grandmother of sixteen , have 36 years experience as a pastor 's wife , married to my man over 40 years . I 've authored a book and have my other books as e - books on amazon kindle . I was an art major at Point Loma College and still like to dabble , read , write , garden , travel , enjoy my family , and am learning to cook gluten free . My pug Max and old Sweetie weiner dog and cat are my comic relief . Please comment or request to be a facebook friend . I 'd love to hear from you . " Fill your paper with the breathing of your heart . " Wordsworth Attitude of Gratitude : lost & found summertime . It 's kind of like Hank today . He didn 't show up for dinner so we knew somethin . . . Attitude of Gratitude : lost & found summertime . It 's kind of like Hank today . He didn 't show up for dinner so we knew somethin . . . " Nest , " is a more serious work of historical fiction weaving Cherokee history with that of early Tennessee and the twist of those known as Welsh Indians . It is a path back through the tragedy of Native American history with redemption as a young woman is caught between worlds trying to find true love . " As Good As Engaged " is a fun short story of a Texas campmeeting romance set in the late 1870 's . What would you do if you were raised to think that a kiss was as good as engaged when a wild cowboy steals one ? Tifani " Oh , Susannah " is named for Susannah Wesley , mother of John and Charles Wesley who lived in the 1700 's but who is an inspiration for Christian women today . We will include writings of her life , spiritual inspiration , quotes from poetic thinkers , photography , art , crafts , recipes , insights for mothers and marriage , and church life ideas . We hope to illustrate how the beauty of holiness can be infused into everyday life , whereas " The absence of beauty hardens the heart . " ( Kate Morton ) Susannah Wesley was born in 1670 in a time of great turmoil of religion . Her father was a non - conformist leader of the Dissenters from the Church of England when one could be expelled from their parish , not allowed to teach or tutor , be fined and jailed . However , at age 13 , Susannah chose the Church of England . At age 19 she married Samuel Wesley then bore 17 children including John Wesley , the founder of the Methodist and holiness churches , and his brother Charles , a prolific hymn writer . She home schooled her surviving children , even preached in her kitchen to over a hundred , more than attended her husband 's services . When she refused to pray for the king , her husband declared he could not abide under the same roof , and thus began a year 's separation while he left on " official church business , " until the king died and it became a moot point . Her children knew not to bother mother while she sat daily in her kitchen with her apron over her face having her devotions . Somehow , Susannah carved out an hour each week to spend individually with each of her many children . Later we will give her list of child raising principles . Thus a woman who bore 17 children , endured great poverty and tragedies , left such a legacy and influence on those whose creed we share with her deep thoughts and life . Oh , Susannah ! |
I haven 't posted any stories in awhile . I guess I 've just been too busy drooling over big rigs ( 18wheelbeauties . blogspot . com ) to come up with fiction ; ) There is a lot of fiction yet to be posted . . . and even more so , there is a lot of fiction yet to be written ! The one I 'm posting now is kind of a simple story that I wrote a few years ago . It wasn 't my first short story , but it was certainly one I wrote at a time when my stories were simpler and my critical eye was a bit more blurry . . . or untrained : ) . I could probably go through it now and update it , make it better . . . make it less cheesy ( cause it is full of cheese . . . ) , fix grammar and other errors that I couldn 't spot then but I can spot now . . . . but I won 't . It 's kind of neat for me to go back and read my old stories , I like to keep them the way they were . . . if I want to mess with it , I 'd rather write something new . The big menacing airplane rolled out onto the runway and Kathleen 's eyes were tearing up as she looked out the tiny window . It was a sad day . The gray sky was a reflection of her inner self . Big , heavy tears were dripping from the sky and as they collided with the black asphalt , each drop shattered into another thousand tears as if this sorrow would never end . Next to her sat Alex . His face was pale like an undead and stood in deep contrast to his raven black hair . She grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently , knowing that there was no way she could provide comfort for his broken heart at this time . She had just buried her best friend and he had buried his fiancé . It was possibly the worst day in their lives . " Thank you for coming with me . " She was lost in daydreams and jumped at the sound of his voice . " What are friends for , " she smiled . " Besides , it 'll be fun to try something new . " " You understand everything , " he smiled , but the smile did not reach his eyes . The " fasten seatbelt " sign lit up , and she knew they were approaching their destination . She heard a soft thump as the wheels on the plane hit the asphalt . They were taxing in towards the terminal , and all the passengers started milling around in the narrow aisles , making the huge Boeing feel entirely too small . Kathleen looked out the window , and was facing the same view she had just left behind , a gray and rainy day . They hailed a cab and headed for the hotel , where they would be staying until they had found somewhere to live . She was left standing in the hallway , watching him walk down the corridor towards his room . His shoulders were shaking and she knew he was crying . She felt helpless . " Are you sure ? " He nodded . " I 'm sure . No sense in wasting your money on hotels . " Then a sly grin spread on his face . " Besides , I need someone to help me decorate and carry furniture . " " Watch it so you don 't drop it ! " Kathleen was standing on the top of the stairs carrying one end of a loveseat and Alex was at the bottom , lifting the other end . Luckily he lived on the first floor . " Ok , you can move now , " he hollered . " Let 's get this sucker in . " They had been visiting furniture stores all day . Since they had both sold everything before moving to Seattle , there were no boxes to carry and unpack , but they had to do a lot of shopping . Finally the last piece for the day was in place . Alex had a bed , a couple of couches and a TV . The rest would slowly get purchased as needed . " I love you Alex , " she said . " Love you too Kat , " he smiled and gave her a big warm bear hug . " How long has it been now ? 10 years ? " " Let 's see , I hit you in the forehead with that baseball in seventh grade . I hate to break it to you but we 're getting old . It has been more like 15 years , " she stated . " Sounds good to me , " Alex agreed . However , after having moved couches and TVs all day , they had barely turned on the new TV and eaten about three french - fries , before they were both curled up and sound asleep on the couch . Seattle was starting to feel like home . Kathleen woke up early the next morning , and Alex was still asleep . Gently she ran her fingers through his soft hair . He mumbled something in his sleep and she quietly got up from the couch so she wouldn 't wake him . She walked across the floor and sat down in the windowsill . It was still dark outside . Cold morning draft was seeping in through a crack in the window , giving her goose bumps . A car was coughing in the distance as its owner desperately tried to start it up to get to work . The echo of a loud car alarm sounded from a nearby garage , doing its best to wake up the neighborhood , while outside the window , a group of crows was debating loudly over who would get the first morning worm . The streetlights were still lit , but it was getting brighter outside by the minute , and soon a hazy fog had replaced the darkness and the day had begun . It had been crazy , this decision to move away to a random city and start over . Neither her nor Alex had left much behind in Florida , and neither of them had ever really liked it down there . They had just accepted that it was where they were born , where they grew up and most likely it would be where they would die . However , Suzan 's death had sparked some thoughts and they had concluded that they did not want to die in Florida . They would rather live somewhere else . One night they had pulled out a map of the USA and studied all 50 states and hundreds of cities to see where they would like it the best . Although Hawaii had been tempting , they had finally decided on Seattle . Like Alex had said : " If we move to Hawaii , then where would we go on vacation ? " Kathleen sighed and got up from the windowsill . She stumbled in to the kitchen and started cooking up breakfast . The smell of eggs and bacon cooking on the grill woke Alex up , and soon they were having their own breakfast feast in his new apartment . " This is nice , " Alex smiled . " I love this place already . " " Alex . " At the sound of his name , he looked up at her . " I 'm sorry , " he said . " Sometimes I just miss her so much . " " Don 't be sorry , " Kathleen said and sat down on the couch next to him . " Just cry . It 's good for you . " He put his head on her shoulder and she felt his tears soaking through her sweater , making it wet . Deep inside , Kathleen felt slightly selfish . She kept thinking that this moment had ruined her good news . Not only had she found a place to live , but also she had found a job in a pet store nearby and had been thrilled . However , the moment had passed , and yet again they were wrapped up in tears and depression all night long . " Kat , this is a palace ! " Alex saw her place for the first time . Kathleen had found a quaint little house for rent , and would pay about as much for it as Alex was paying for his one - bedroom apartment . " See ? Does it pay off to be a little picky ? " She flew up the concrete stairs and unlocked the front door . This house had a backyard , two bedrooms , two bathrooms , a good - sized living room and a 1 - car garage . Of course , neither of them had a car yet but it was good to have a storage place . " I know , " she said . She put her knife down and turned around . " I 'm going to miss you too , " she said and embraced him from behind . " But we 'll be alright . " He left the steaks cooking and turned around to face her . She looked up into his deep brown eyes . His face approached hers and she closed her eyes . Seconds later she felt his lips touching hers in a soft kiss . When it was over , she opened her eyes again and looked at him . " Nothing , not even a tingle . " He sighed and continued with his steaks . " It just goes to prove , we 're meant to be friends for life you and I Kat , " he said . " Alex ! Stop ! Enough already , " Kathleen was getting frustrated . " She 's dead ! She 's gone ! We all miss her . I wish every day that she wouldn 't have gone out for a drive , but she did , and she got hit and killed . It happened ! She wants us to move on Alex , you and I are still alive . " " So you just want me to pretend that I don 't miss her and just be happy ? You don 't want a crybaby along on the ride ? " His words were harsh and made no sense . " That 's a low blow Alex , I 've been here for you , comforting you , going out of my way trying to make you feel better . Never once did you stop to comfort me , you act like you 're the only one in the world who is allowed to grieve ! She was my friend too you know , I miss her too . We all have bad days and good days , but every time we 're having fun you seem to be feeling guilty , and then you ruin it , you poke a hole in the balloon . " She paused for a moment then she continued . " Now we moved out here to break up and get away . That doesn 't mean we 're not thinking about her , but we 're alive and she 's dead Alex , we need to move on . Now if you 'll excuse me , I think I 'll leave this hole of depression , walk over to my own place and let you wallow in self - pity . I 've had it ! " Blinded by tears she fumbled around the apartment for her keys and some clothes , then she left . Slowly she walked along the sidewalk , sobbing and wiping her eyes . After having walked around for a while , she realized that she was lost . She found a payphone and called for a cab , which took her to her new house . Finally she was home . She was in her new house and she should feel ecstatic . Instead , Alex had yet again destroyed her moment , and it was the last time she would let it happen . Harsh words had been spilled that night , and their relationship never turned back to the way it had been . Alex never said he was sorry , never admitted that maybe he had been a little selfish and eventually they drifted apart . Kathleen knew she had been brutally honest with him , but she wasn 't taking it back . Maybe being apart for a while was for the best . Maybe she had reminded him too much of a happy past , when Suzan had still been alive . Maybe he subconsciously had waited for their friendship to fall apart so he wouldn 't have to be reminded of Suzan every time they were together . Even worse , he had implied that he wished Kathleen could have taken Suzan 's place . It had hurt her incredibly , and she had not been able to wipe that comment from her memory . Almost a year passed by and despite their fight and the angry words they had thrown at each other , Kathleen missed Alex deeply . Whether she was out having fun with her new friends or sitting home alone , she wished he were there . She had no clue what he was doing , who he was with , if he was with anybody at all . However , she was determined on leaving him alone . When he was ready , he would call . But she waited and waited . He didn 't call . Not for Christmas , not for her birthday and not for Valentine 's Day . It was the loneliest year she could ever remember . One night while walking some garbage out to the alley , she heard strange noises coming from her trashcan . She didn 't know if she dared to open the trashcan , but in order to dump her trash she was forced to open it . She saw nothing unusual at first . Then she must have jumped about ten feet in the air when one of the bags started moving around . Carefully she picked it up and replaced it with her own garbage bag . It was dark already , so she brought the bag inside . As she peeked into the bag , she started to cry . Gently she pulled out three tiny adorable puppies . One was all white while the other two were black and white . One of the puppies started whimpering , and soon the other two followed his lead . " You must be starving , " she said and felt terrible since she didn 't have anything for them to eat . She found some chicken broth , which she heated up and fed to them , and it seemed to satisfy their appetite . Then she found a cardboard box where they could sleep for the night . " I 'll take you to work tomorrow . I 'm sure I can find all three of you a good home , " she whispered while tucking them in . " Good night guys . " She must have been asleep for five minutes when she heard some ruckus outside her bedroom door . She flew out into the living room , only to discover the white puppy sitting in the middle of a dirt pile , as he had torn one of her plants down from the table . His white paws were dirty as was the tip of his white snout , and his dark beautiful puppy eyes looked pleadingly at her . " Aw shucks , I forgive you , " she muttered as she scooped up the puppy and carried him in to the bedroom with her . Gently she wiped his paws off and they curled up in her bed and fell asleep . " Sure you forgot him , " one of her colleagues teased her . " You better take some dog food home . Judging from the size of their paws , you can be glad you work for a pet store . " " I have no idea . Something big , " her colleague replied and Kathleen sighed . There was no way she had the heart to part with the white puppy , it seemed like the two of them were meant for each other . They had been brought together for a reason . On her way home from work , Kathleen stopped by a bookstore to find a book on raising puppies . A cozy smell of paper and new books greeted her warmly as she walked in the door . She took a deep breath and let the scent sink in . It felt soothing and relaxing , and she fought an instant temptation to sit down with a book and a Starbucks coffee . Casually she started browsing through the shelves , pulling out an occasional book to read their back covers . " It 's you ! " they exclaimed , both at the same time . " How have you … " They both started talking simultaneously again then they stopped and burst out laughing . " How have you been , " he said with a warm smile . " Good , " she replied . Alex looked great . He looked better than she ever remembered seeing him . " No I 'm glad I stuck to my guns in the beginning and resisted temptation to move back , even when things fell apart with you and I . I 'm happy here and I love the weather . I really think they exaggerate about the rain here . Do you think it rains a lot ? But then again I don 't mind it when it rains … " Kathleen was going on and on about her thoughts on Seattle , before she interrupted herself and turned slightly red . " I 'm sorry , " she said with a smile . " I 'm sure this is not very interesting . " She had no idea why she all of a sudden felt so awkward . This was Alex , her old friend … at least she thought they were still friends , even though they hadn 't seen each other for a long time . " So you 're looking for something to read , are you ? " He reached over her and grabbed a book from the shelf . His arm brushed against her shoulder , and they both paused , only for a millisecond , but it seemed like a lot longer . " Well , would you maybe like to join me for dinner ? " He fumbled with the book he was holding , letting his strong fingers run up and down the book cover , suddenly busy studying its colorful designs . It was obvious that he just had swallowed a big chunk of pride . He drove them out to a quaint little seafood restaurant by the lake . From the window they could look out on the water . Small boats and yachts were slowly passing by out there . Occasionally a passing speedboat would interrupt their peaceful pace , leaving the slower boats bopping up and down in its wake . As it got darker , lights came on , casting coruscating reflections on to the water surface . It was beautiful . " How cruel some people are ! " His eyes softened as he glanced over at her and he took a deep breath . " Kat , I 'm sorry … " He started to say something when the waitress interrupted him . Kathleen studied Alex across the table . His thick black hair looked soft , and she felt an instant urge to run her fingers through it and ruffle it up . He was wearing a black sweater , which enhanced his handsome features . She had never before thought of him as sexy . Tonight he was . As her attention wandered to his dark brown eyes , she found him staring back at her , and instantly she knew that he had read her mind . He seemed amused by the incident , and she turned deep red and quickly looked away , all of a sudden concentrating intensely on her wine glass . Luckily the dessert was brought to their table right then and salvaged the awkward moment . They smiled at each other across the table . It felt as if they had found each other again , even though some things had changed . " Ready ? " he asked as he got up from his chair . " I can 't move , " she replied and his warm chuckle gave her goose bumps . " I 've missed you Kat . " His quiet voice blended in with the soft atmosphere . " You were right you know . I was impossible to be around . " He silenced her by gently pressing a finger against her lips . " I needed you to do what you did , " he said . " At first I was angry at you , mad because you didn 't understand … or so I thought . It turns out it was me who didn 't understand . " He sighed . " I 've been seeing a psychiatrist for a few months now . " He lowered his voice as if he was ashamed of it . " That 's great Alex , " she smiled . " Has it helped ? " He nodded . " It helped me come to terms with myself and my grief . It was easy to leave Florida and I imagined that I could just leave everything behind and start fresh . What wasn 't easy was dealing with the fact that my grief and my emotions followed me here and didn 't let go until I dealt with them . " He paused . Then he looked at her . " I wanted to call you Kat , I just had a lot of pride to swallow , and I still do . I 've treated you horribly . I 'm happy we ran into each other tonight . Really happy , " he said . " I never wished that you were dead , I didn 't mean it that way . You 're my friend and my soul mate . I can 't stand not being with you . Although these last months have been the loneliest months of my life , they 've had the effect of a cold shower . " " Friday then ? " he said . They were parked outside her house , and she didn 't feel like leaving him yet . " Yes , " she nodded . " If you want to . " " I do , " he smiled . She turned her head and looked at him . She saw a mixture of happiness , hesitance and shyness , and he looked incredibly sexy . She had never looked at him this way before . Her eyes wandered down to his lips . She wanted to kiss him again . " I 'll pick you up here , " he said quickly and she nodded and fumbled for the door handle . " Alex , I had a really good time , " she said . " I look forward to Friday . " The puppy was waiting for her when she got in . She didn 't care that her living room looked like a tornado had swept through it , she was happier now than she had ever been in her life . Everything finally felt so right . " Alex is back , " she said with a happy voice and the puppy didn 't quite understand what she was so excited about . Regardless , it drowned Kathleen in little wet kisses , implying that it was excited as well over whatever it was that they were excited about . Even though it was a busy week for Kathleen , it was possibly the slowest week in her life . She kept herself occupied with the puppy and went to the gym with her friends as usual , but her mind was constantly with Alex and their upcoming dinner . Even though they were old friends , things had changed . They were exploring new avenues within their friendship . She was extremely nervous , because if they went the wrong way and disaster struck ; their friendship could shatter beyond repair . Finally it was Friday . Her boss let her out early , and with a fresh paycheck in hand and a hot date ahead , she went shopping for something new to wear . As she was trying on dresses , she examined herself in the mirror . She was faced by the reflection of an average looking girl , who tonight was radiating . A hint of natural blush was coloring her fair skin and her blue eyes were sparkling with excitement . She ran her fingers through her thick blonde mane , which had grown well past shoulder length by now . After having tried on a number of dresses , she picked out a smart navy blue outfit , which enhanced all her right curves and concealed all the wrong ones . Kathleen had to laugh at herself . Since when did she care about these things with Alex , who had seen her at her worst with zits , greasy hair and dressed in worn out ugly sweatpants ? It was just Alex ! She came home and got dressed just in time . A car horn honked outside her door just as she buckled her last shoe . " Hey you , " he smiled as she opened the car door . She noticed that he too had spent extra time on his looks this evening , and she could even detect a hint of cologne as she gave him a warm hug . Kathleen nodded . " I 'm afraid you 'll need to help me pick a restaurant , because I don 't know a lot of places yet . I know we 've lived here for awhile , but believe it or not , I haven 't been on a lot of hot dates and most of my meals have been cooked and consumed in my own kitchen . " " How about pasta ? Are there any good pasta places around here ? And don 't go cheap on us , let 's go somewhere nice , " she grinned . " I 've got a paycheck and I 'm willing to spend it ! " He picked out a wonderful Italian restaurant . The atmosphere was very nice and she could tell that great effort had gone into making this place as genuine Italian as possible . They could see the ovens and the grills in the open kitchen , where the chefs were yelling and screaming at each other like hot - tempered Italians . A singer was serenading the guests , touring the tables and taking song requests . Some people were embarrassed by all the attention she brought to their table , while others stared at her in awe and gave her an extra dollar or two for her efforts . " This is great , " Kathleen commented as she finished her last ravioli and thoroughly wiped her mouth with a napkin , making sure she didn 't have pasta sauce dripping from her mouth . " I 've been here a couple of times before but it 's too pricey to be my favorite place . Food wise though , it 's a favorite , " Alex said . " Well , don 't forget , I was busy ignoring certain emotional issues for awhile , and that 's when I went on these dates , to prove to myself that I was doing okay . It all blew up in my face , didn 't it ? " He smiled and shook his head . " Let 's go then , " he smiled . " Ok , let 's do it , " she said , and all of a sudden she was excited to ride the ferry . On the way there he made a stop at a liquor store , where he bought a bottle of red wine , which he put on the inner pocket of his jacket . It was 10 pm when they walked onboard the passenger ferry to Bainbridge Island . " Let 's go outside , " he said and took her hand . They found a nice private corner that wasn 't too windy . He took his jacket off and placed it on deck , then gestured that they 'd sit down . Hesitantly she pulled her skirt together and sunk down onto the hard , cold floor . The sea breeze brushed across her face , leaving it drizzling wet and a bit sticky from the ocean spray . She untied the braid she had been working on so hard earlier that night , just so the wind could weave her blonde strays of hair back together again . With a deep sigh of satisfaction , she closed her eyes and turned her face in the direction of the wind , enjoying the soothing massage it was offering her . " Kathleen ? " She heard Alex calling her name . Slowly she opened her eyes , and found a Dixie cup half full with red wine in front of her . " Cheers , " she said and let the cup touch his before she lifting the cup to her lips , tasting the sweet liquid . " So are we friends again ? " he asked her . He had put his arms around her . She leaned back against his warm body and made herself comfortable there . " You now it 's funny how someone 's death makes you analyze yourself and your own life , " she said . " I feel bad now for letting you go . I should have been more pushy , I should have helped you . " " I would have ran in the opposite direction , " he mumbled . He had his face buried in her blonde hair . She felt his warm breath on the top of her head when he talked . " In fact I did run in the opposite direction , " he continued . She nodded . " So what about you . Are you okay ? Did you deal with all this ? " She was surprised to hear him ask about her feelings . " I miss her . I always will , " she said . " But I came to terms with her death a long time ago . It 's all integrated and a part of me now , and I realize that the sorrow will never completely go away . It makes us a part of who we are and we carry on with a little more wisdom . " " I think we 've gone beyond friendship , " Kathleen admitted . " So do I . " His voice was soft . She turned her head towards him and met his lips halfway . She felt his grip tighten around her and she sat her wine down and put her arms around his neck , pulling him closer . His soft tongue was caressing her lips , and she willingly parted them to let him in . He tasted of sweet red wine as he gently caressed her tongue and they were lost in a tongue twirling passionate kiss that seemed to last forever . They spent the rest of the night drinking wine , talking , kissing and cuddling in their private corner onboard the ferry . They missed getting off it the first time and ended up riding it twice across the sound . After the second time , the ferry stopped running for the night , and they emptied their Dixie cups and headed back to her place . " I can 't have animals in my apartment , " he pouted . " Well maybe you will … " Kathleen interrupted herself and he laughed , as he very well knew what was running through her mind . " Maybe I will , " he said and pulled her down on to the couch . He lied flat out on his back and she stretched out on top of him , staring deeply into his dark eyes . " Never in those fifteen years did I realize how good - looking you are , " she smiled . " Gee thanks , " he grinned . She captured his lips in an intimate kiss and his arms tightened around her , pressing her as close towards his masculine body as she could get . They were passionately occupied with each other when they heard the puppy whimpering ; obviously feeling neglected and left out . Kathleen hesitantly let go of Alex ' lips and found the puppy sitting next to a suspicious looking puddle on her wooden floor . " Alex , don 't leave . I just … I don 't want you to go , " she said . He hesitated for a minute . " I guess I could sleep on the couch with the puppy , " he said . They walked onboard and as soon as the ferry started moving , they climbed out on deck . Since it was full daylight , it was harder to find a spot where they could be alone , but shortly after departure , most of the passengers moved back inside . Alex fished the urn out from his jacket . His hands were shaking violently and she was afraid he would drop it , but he seemed to have it under control . " Don 't leave me , " he said . " Maybe just walk over there , " he continued and pointed to the other end of the ferry deck . " I just need a moment . " " Thank you , " he whispered and hugged her tight , before he let her go and she moved away . From where she was standing , she could see the contours of his lonely figure as he lifted an arm and tossed the urn overboard . It was impossible to see his face , but she could tell by his posture that he was crying . The cozy ferry continued plowing its way through the waves . The wind caused Kathleen 's eyes to tear up as she looked out on the semi - rough water . It was a new day . The gray sky was no longer a reflection of her inner self ; it was merely a reminder of the cycles of nature , life and death . Big , heavy tears were dripping from the sky and as they collided with the hard boat deck , each drop shattered into another thousand tears , as constant reminders of those challenges that life would continue to provide , challenges that they would stand up to and conquer . The boat kept moving away from the Seattle shoreline . A huge wind gust swept in , and nearly caused her to fall backwards , but she proudly kept her balance . She turned her face up towards the sky , and far above her she could see the mist and the black clouds in the hazy sky , hundreds and thousands of feet up in the air . Alex walked up next to her . His face was nice and tanned and blended perfectly in with his raven black hair . She grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently , and this time she knew that it provided both comfort and a nice promise for the future , and their broken hearts were finally healing . Neither of them felt like talking much , but cuddled up to each other and sat in silence on the ride back from Bainbridge Island to Seattle . It was a short ride , but it seemed to last forever . " Thank you for coming with me . " She had been lost in his eyes and smiled at the sound of his voice . " What are friends for , " she said . " Friends , " he grinned . " It 'll be fun to try something new . " Yup , a bit cheesy , but like the story ; ) And no , don 't uncheese this story , then it 's better to write a new one . We can correct and rewrite our stories over and over again , and never become really satisfied . It 's the writer 's fate . So , it 's better to leave the stories stay as they are , and go on and let the other stories you have inside of you , come out . |
I haven 't posted any stories in awhile . I guess I 've just been too busy drooling over big rigs ( 18wheelbeauties . blogspot . com ) to come up with fiction ; ) There is a lot of fiction yet to be posted . . . and even more so , there is a lot of fiction yet to be written ! The one I 'm posting now is kind of a simple story that I wrote a few years ago . It wasn 't my first short story , but it was certainly one I wrote at a time when my stories were simpler and my critical eye was a bit more blurry . . . or untrained : ) . I could probably go through it now and update it , make it better . . . make it less cheesy ( cause it is full of cheese . . . ) , fix grammar and other errors that I couldn 't spot then but I can spot now . . . . but I won 't . It 's kind of neat for me to go back and read my old stories , I like to keep them the way they were . . . if I want to mess with it , I 'd rather write something new . The big menacing airplane rolled out onto the runway and Kathleen 's eyes were tearing up as she looked out the tiny window . It was a sad day . The gray sky was a reflection of her inner self . Big , heavy tears were dripping from the sky and as they collided with the black asphalt , each drop shattered into another thousand tears as if this sorrow would never end . Next to her sat Alex . His face was pale like an undead and stood in deep contrast to his raven black hair . She grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently , knowing that there was no way she could provide comfort for his broken heart at this time . She had just buried her best friend and he had buried his fiancé . It was possibly the worst day in their lives . " Thank you for coming with me . " She was lost in daydreams and jumped at the sound of his voice . " What are friends for , " she smiled . " Besides , it 'll be fun to try something new . " " You understand everything , " he smiled , but the smile did not reach his eyes . The " fasten seatbelt " sign lit up , and she knew they were approaching their destination . She heard a soft thump as the wheels on the plane hit the asphalt . They were taxing in towards the terminal , and all the passengers started milling around in the narrow aisles , making the huge Boeing feel entirely too small . Kathleen looked out the window , and was facing the same view she had just left behind , a gray and rainy day . They hailed a cab and headed for the hotel , where they would be staying until they had found somewhere to live . She was left standing in the hallway , watching him walk down the corridor towards his room . His shoulders were shaking and she knew he was crying . She felt helpless . " Are you sure ? " He nodded . " I 'm sure . No sense in wasting your money on hotels . " Then a sly grin spread on his face . " Besides , I need someone to help me decorate and carry furniture . " " Watch it so you don 't drop it ! " Kathleen was standing on the top of the stairs carrying one end of a loveseat and Alex was at the bottom , lifting the other end . Luckily he lived on the first floor . " Ok , you can move now , " he hollered . " Let 's get this sucker in . " They had been visiting furniture stores all day . Since they had both sold everything before moving to Seattle , there were no boxes to carry and unpack , but they had to do a lot of shopping . Finally the last piece for the day was in place . Alex had a bed , a couple of couches and a TV . The rest would slowly get purchased as needed . " I love you Alex , " she said . " Love you too Kat , " he smiled and gave her a big warm bear hug . " How long has it been now ? 10 years ? " " Let 's see , I hit you in the forehead with that baseball in seventh grade . I hate to break it to you but we 're getting old . It has been more like 15 years , " she stated . " Sounds good to me , " Alex agreed . However , after having moved couches and TVs all day , they had barely turned on the new TV and eaten about three french - fries , before they were both curled up and sound asleep on the couch . Seattle was starting to feel like home . Kathleen woke up early the next morning , and Alex was still asleep . Gently she ran her fingers through his soft hair . He mumbled something in his sleep and she quietly got up from the couch so she wouldn 't wake him . She walked across the floor and sat down in the windowsill . It was still dark outside . Cold morning draft was seeping in through a crack in the window , giving her goose bumps . A car was coughing in the distance as its owner desperately tried to start it up to get to work . The echo of a loud car alarm sounded from a nearby garage , doing its best to wake up the neighborhood , while outside the window , a group of crows was debating loudly over who would get the first morning worm . The streetlights were still lit , but it was getting brighter outside by the minute , and soon a hazy fog had replaced the darkness and the day had begun . It had been crazy , this decision to move away to a random city and start over . Neither her nor Alex had left much behind in Florida , and neither of them had ever really liked it down there . They had just accepted that it was where they were born , where they grew up and most likely it would be where they would die . However , Suzan 's death had sparked some thoughts and they had concluded that they did not want to die in Florida . They would rather live somewhere else . One night they had pulled out a map of the USA and studied all 50 states and hundreds of cities to see where they would like it the best . Although Hawaii had been tempting , they had finally decided on Seattle . Like Alex had said : " If we move to Hawaii , then where would we go on vacation ? " Kathleen sighed and got up from the windowsill . She stumbled in to the kitchen and started cooking up breakfast . The smell of eggs and bacon cooking on the grill woke Alex up , and soon they were having their own breakfast feast in his new apartment . " This is nice , " Alex smiled . " I love this place already . " " Alex . " At the sound of his name , he looked up at her . " I 'm sorry , " he said . " Sometimes I just miss her so much . " " Don 't be sorry , " Kathleen said and sat down on the couch next to him . " Just cry . It 's good for you . " He put his head on her shoulder and she felt his tears soaking through her sweater , making it wet . Deep inside , Kathleen felt slightly selfish . She kept thinking that this moment had ruined her good news . Not only had she found a place to live , but also she had found a job in a pet store nearby and had been thrilled . However , the moment had passed , and yet again they were wrapped up in tears and depression all night long . " Kat , this is a palace ! " Alex saw her place for the first time . Kathleen had found a quaint little house for rent , and would pay about as much for it as Alex was paying for his one - bedroom apartment . " See ? Does it pay off to be a little picky ? " She flew up the concrete stairs and unlocked the front door . This house had a backyard , two bedrooms , two bathrooms , a good - sized living room and a 1 - car garage . Of course , neither of them had a car yet but it was good to have a storage place . " I know , " she said . She put her knife down and turned around . " I 'm going to miss you too , " she said and embraced him from behind . " But we 'll be alright . " He left the steaks cooking and turned around to face her . She looked up into his deep brown eyes . His face approached hers and she closed her eyes . Seconds later she felt his lips touching hers in a soft kiss . When it was over , she opened her eyes again and looked at him . " Nothing , not even a tingle . " He sighed and continued with his steaks . " It just goes to prove , we 're meant to be friends for life you and I Kat , " he said . " Alex ! Stop ! Enough already , " Kathleen was getting frustrated . " She 's dead ! She 's gone ! We all miss her . I wish every day that she wouldn 't have gone out for a drive , but she did , and she got hit and killed . It happened ! She wants us to move on Alex , you and I are still alive . " " So you just want me to pretend that I don 't miss her and just be happy ? You don 't want a crybaby along on the ride ? " His words were harsh and made no sense . " That 's a low blow Alex , I 've been here for you , comforting you , going out of my way trying to make you feel better . Never once did you stop to comfort me , you act like you 're the only one in the world who is allowed to grieve ! She was my friend too you know , I miss her too . We all have bad days and good days , but every time we 're having fun you seem to be feeling guilty , and then you ruin it , you poke a hole in the balloon . " She paused for a moment then she continued . " Now we moved out here to break up and get away . That doesn 't mean we 're not thinking about her , but we 're alive and she 's dead Alex , we need to move on . Now if you 'll excuse me , I think I 'll leave this hole of depression , walk over to my own place and let you wallow in self - pity . I 've had it ! " Blinded by tears she fumbled around the apartment for her keys and some clothes , then she left . Slowly she walked along the sidewalk , sobbing and wiping her eyes . After having walked around for a while , she realized that she was lost . She found a payphone and called for a cab , which took her to her new house . Finally she was home . She was in her new house and she should feel ecstatic . Instead , Alex had yet again destroyed her moment , and it was the last time she would let it happen . Harsh words had been spilled that night , and their relationship never turned back to the way it had been . Alex never said he was sorry , never admitted that maybe he had been a little selfish and eventually they drifted apart . Kathleen knew she had been brutally honest with him , but she wasn 't taking it back . Maybe being apart for a while was for the best . Maybe she had reminded him too much of a happy past , when Suzan had still been alive . Maybe he subconsciously had waited for their friendship to fall apart so he wouldn 't have to be reminded of Suzan every time they were together . Even worse , he had implied that he wished Kathleen could have taken Suzan 's place . It had hurt her incredibly , and she had not been able to wipe that comment from her memory . Almost a year passed by and despite their fight and the angry words they had thrown at each other , Kathleen missed Alex deeply . Whether she was out having fun with her new friends or sitting home alone , she wished he were there . She had no clue what he was doing , who he was with , if he was with anybody at all . However , she was determined on leaving him alone . When he was ready , he would call . But she waited and waited . He didn 't call . Not for Christmas , not for her birthday and not for Valentine 's Day . It was the loneliest year she could ever remember . One night while walking some garbage out to the alley , she heard strange noises coming from her trashcan . She didn 't know if she dared to open the trashcan , but in order to dump her trash she was forced to open it . She saw nothing unusual at first . Then she must have jumped about ten feet in the air when one of the bags started moving around . Carefully she picked it up and replaced it with her own garbage bag . It was dark already , so she brought the bag inside . As she peeked into the bag , she started to cry . Gently she pulled out three tiny adorable puppies . One was all white while the other two were black and white . One of the puppies started whimpering , and soon the other two followed his lead . " You must be starving , " she said and felt terrible since she didn 't have anything for them to eat . She found some chicken broth , which she heated up and fed to them , and it seemed to satisfy their appetite . Then she found a cardboard box where they could sleep for the night . " I 'll take you to work tomorrow . I 'm sure I can find all three of you a good home , " she whispered while tucking them in . " Good night guys . " She must have been asleep for five minutes when she heard some ruckus outside her bedroom door . She flew out into the living room , only to discover the white puppy sitting in the middle of a dirt pile , as he had torn one of her plants down from the table . His white paws were dirty as was the tip of his white snout , and his dark beautiful puppy eyes looked pleadingly at her . " Aw shucks , I forgive you , " she muttered as she scooped up the puppy and carried him in to the bedroom with her . Gently she wiped his paws off and they curled up in her bed and fell asleep . " Sure you forgot him , " one of her colleagues teased her . " You better take some dog food home . Judging from the size of their paws , you can be glad you work for a pet store . " " I have no idea . Something big , " her colleague replied and Kathleen sighed . There was no way she had the heart to part with the white puppy , it seemed like the two of them were meant for each other . They had been brought together for a reason . On her way home from work , Kathleen stopped by a bookstore to find a book on raising puppies . A cozy smell of paper and new books greeted her warmly as she walked in the door . She took a deep breath and let the scent sink in . It felt soothing and relaxing , and she fought an instant temptation to sit down with a book and a Starbucks coffee . Casually she started browsing through the shelves , pulling out an occasional book to read their back covers . " It 's you ! " they exclaimed , both at the same time . " How have you … " They both started talking simultaneously again then they stopped and burst out laughing . " How have you been , " he said with a warm smile . " Good , " she replied . Alex looked great . He looked better than she ever remembered seeing him . " No I 'm glad I stuck to my guns in the beginning and resisted temptation to move back , even when things fell apart with you and I . I 'm happy here and I love the weather . I really think they exaggerate about the rain here . Do you think it rains a lot ? But then again I don 't mind it when it rains … " Kathleen was going on and on about her thoughts on Seattle , before she interrupted herself and turned slightly red . " I 'm sorry , " she said with a smile . " I 'm sure this is not very interesting . " She had no idea why she all of a sudden felt so awkward . This was Alex , her old friend … at least she thought they were still friends , even though they hadn 't seen each other for a long time . " So you 're looking for something to read , are you ? " He reached over her and grabbed a book from the shelf . His arm brushed against her shoulder , and they both paused , only for a millisecond , but it seemed like a lot longer . " Well , would you maybe like to join me for dinner ? " He fumbled with the book he was holding , letting his strong fingers run up and down the book cover , suddenly busy studying its colorful designs . It was obvious that he just had swallowed a big chunk of pride . He drove them out to a quaint little seafood restaurant by the lake . From the window they could look out on the water . Small boats and yachts were slowly passing by out there . Occasionally a passing speedboat would interrupt their peaceful pace , leaving the slower boats bopping up and down in its wake . As it got darker , lights came on , casting coruscating reflections on to the water surface . It was beautiful . " How cruel some people are ! " His eyes softened as he glanced over at her and he took a deep breath . " Kat , I 'm sorry … " He started to say something when the waitress interrupted him . Kathleen studied Alex across the table . His thick black hair looked soft , and she felt an instant urge to run her fingers through it and ruffle it up . He was wearing a black sweater , which enhanced his handsome features . She had never before thought of him as sexy . Tonight he was . As her attention wandered to his dark brown eyes , she found him staring back at her , and instantly she knew that he had read her mind . He seemed amused by the incident , and she turned deep red and quickly looked away , all of a sudden concentrating intensely on her wine glass . Luckily the dessert was brought to their table right then and salvaged the awkward moment . They smiled at each other across the table . It felt as if they had found each other again , even though some things had changed . " Ready ? " he asked as he got up from his chair . " I can 't move , " she replied and his warm chuckle gave her goose bumps . " I 've missed you Kat . " His quiet voice blended in with the soft atmosphere . " You were right you know . I was impossible to be around . " He silenced her by gently pressing a finger against her lips . " I needed you to do what you did , " he said . " At first I was angry at you , mad because you didn 't understand … or so I thought . It turns out it was me who didn 't understand . " He sighed . " I 've been seeing a psychiatrist for a few months now . " He lowered his voice as if he was ashamed of it . " That 's great Alex , " she smiled . " Has it helped ? " He nodded . " It helped me come to terms with myself and my grief . It was easy to leave Florida and I imagined that I could just leave everything behind and start fresh . What wasn 't easy was dealing with the fact that my grief and my emotions followed me here and didn 't let go until I dealt with them . " He paused . Then he looked at her . " I wanted to call you Kat , I just had a lot of pride to swallow , and I still do . I 've treated you horribly . I 'm happy we ran into each other tonight . Really happy , " he said . " I never wished that you were dead , I didn 't mean it that way . You 're my friend and my soul mate . I can 't stand not being with you . Although these last months have been the loneliest months of my life , they 've had the effect of a cold shower . " " Friday then ? " he said . They were parked outside her house , and she didn 't feel like leaving him yet . " Yes , " she nodded . " If you want to . " " I do , " he smiled . She turned her head and looked at him . She saw a mixture of happiness , hesitance and shyness , and he looked incredibly sexy . She had never looked at him this way before . Her eyes wandered down to his lips . She wanted to kiss him again . " I 'll pick you up here , " he said quickly and she nodded and fumbled for the door handle . " Alex , I had a really good time , " she said . " I look forward to Friday . " The puppy was waiting for her when she got in . She didn 't care that her living room looked like a tornado had swept through it , she was happier now than she had ever been in her life . Everything finally felt so right . " Alex is back , " she said with a happy voice and the puppy didn 't quite understand what she was so excited about . Regardless , it drowned Kathleen in little wet kisses , implying that it was excited as well over whatever it was that they were excited about . Even though it was a busy week for Kathleen , it was possibly the slowest week in her life . She kept herself occupied with the puppy and went to the gym with her friends as usual , but her mind was constantly with Alex and their upcoming dinner . Even though they were old friends , things had changed . They were exploring new avenues within their friendship . She was extremely nervous , because if they went the wrong way and disaster struck ; their friendship could shatter beyond repair . Finally it was Friday . Her boss let her out early , and with a fresh paycheck in hand and a hot date ahead , she went shopping for something new to wear . As she was trying on dresses , she examined herself in the mirror . She was faced by the reflection of an average looking girl , who tonight was radiating . A hint of natural blush was coloring her fair skin and her blue eyes were sparkling with excitement . She ran her fingers through her thick blonde mane , which had grown well past shoulder length by now . After having tried on a number of dresses , she picked out a smart navy blue outfit , which enhanced all her right curves and concealed all the wrong ones . Kathleen had to laugh at herself . Since when did she care about these things with Alex , who had seen her at her worst with zits , greasy hair and dressed in worn out ugly sweatpants ? It was just Alex ! She came home and got dressed just in time . A car horn honked outside her door just as she buckled her last shoe . " Hey you , " he smiled as she opened the car door . She noticed that he too had spent extra time on his looks this evening , and she could even detect a hint of cologne as she gave him a warm hug . Kathleen nodded . " I 'm afraid you 'll need to help me pick a restaurant , because I don 't know a lot of places yet . I know we 've lived here for awhile , but believe it or not , I haven 't been on a lot of hot dates and most of my meals have been cooked and consumed in my own kitchen . " " How about pasta ? Are there any good pasta places around here ? And don 't go cheap on us , let 's go somewhere nice , " she grinned . " I 've got a paycheck and I 'm willing to spend it ! " He picked out a wonderful Italian restaurant . The atmosphere was very nice and she could tell that great effort had gone into making this place as genuine Italian as possible . They could see the ovens and the grills in the open kitchen , where the chefs were yelling and screaming at each other like hot - tempered Italians . A singer was serenading the guests , touring the tables and taking song requests . Some people were embarrassed by all the attention she brought to their table , while others stared at her in awe and gave her an extra dollar or two for her efforts . " This is great , " Kathleen commented as she finished her last ravioli and thoroughly wiped her mouth with a napkin , making sure she didn 't have pasta sauce dripping from her mouth . " I 've been here a couple of times before but it 's too pricey to be my favorite place . Food wise though , it 's a favorite , " Alex said . " Well , don 't forget , I was busy ignoring certain emotional issues for awhile , and that 's when I went on these dates , to prove to myself that I was doing okay . It all blew up in my face , didn 't it ? " He smiled and shook his head . " Let 's go then , " he smiled . " Ok , let 's do it , " she said , and all of a sudden she was excited to ride the ferry . On the way there he made a stop at a liquor store , where he bought a bottle of red wine , which he put on the inner pocket of his jacket . It was 10 pm when they walked onboard the passenger ferry to Bainbridge Island . " Let 's go outside , " he said and took her hand . They found a nice private corner that wasn 't too windy . He took his jacket off and placed it on deck , then gestured that they 'd sit down . Hesitantly she pulled her skirt together and sunk down onto the hard , cold floor . The sea breeze brushed across her face , leaving it drizzling wet and a bit sticky from the ocean spray . She untied the braid she had been working on so hard earlier that night , just so the wind could weave her blonde strays of hair back together again . With a deep sigh of satisfaction , she closed her eyes and turned her face in the direction of the wind , enjoying the soothing massage it was offering her . " Kathleen ? " She heard Alex calling her name . Slowly she opened her eyes , and found a Dixie cup half full with red wine in front of her . " Cheers , " she said and let the cup touch his before she lifting the cup to her lips , tasting the sweet liquid . " So are we friends again ? " he asked her . He had put his arms around her . She leaned back against his warm body and made herself comfortable there . " You now it 's funny how someone 's death makes you analyze yourself and your own life , " she said . " I feel bad now for letting you go . I should have been more pushy , I should have helped you . " " I would have ran in the opposite direction , " he mumbled . He had his face buried in her blonde hair . She felt his warm breath on the top of her head when he talked . " In fact I did run in the opposite direction , " he continued . She nodded . " So what about you . Are you okay ? Did you deal with all this ? " She was surprised to hear him ask about her feelings . " I miss her . I always will , " she said . " But I came to terms with her death a long time ago . It 's all integrated and a part of me now , and I realize that the sorrow will never completely go away . It makes us a part of who we are and we carry on with a little more wisdom . " " I think we 've gone beyond friendship , " Kathleen admitted . " So do I . " His voice was soft . She turned her head towards him and met his lips halfway . She felt his grip tighten around her and she sat her wine down and put her arms around his neck , pulling him closer . His soft tongue was caressing her lips , and she willingly parted them to let him in . He tasted of sweet red wine as he gently caressed her tongue and they were lost in a tongue twirling passionate kiss that seemed to last forever . They spent the rest of the night drinking wine , talking , kissing and cuddling in their private corner onboard the ferry . They missed getting off it the first time and ended up riding it twice across the sound . After the second time , the ferry stopped running for the night , and they emptied their Dixie cups and headed back to her place . " I can 't have animals in my apartment , " he pouted . " Well maybe you will … " Kathleen interrupted herself and he laughed , as he very well knew what was running through her mind . " Maybe I will , " he said and pulled her down on to the couch . He lied flat out on his back and she stretched out on top of him , staring deeply into his dark eyes . " Never in those fifteen years did I realize how good - looking you are , " she smiled . " Gee thanks , " he grinned . She captured his lips in an intimate kiss and his arms tightened around her , pressing her as close towards his masculine body as she could get . They were passionately occupied with each other when they heard the puppy whimpering ; obviously feeling neglected and left out . Kathleen hesitantly let go of Alex ' lips and found the puppy sitting next to a suspicious looking puddle on her wooden floor . " Alex , don 't leave . I just … I don 't want you to go , " she said . He hesitated for a minute . " I guess I could sleep on the couch with the puppy , " he said . They walked onboard and as soon as the ferry started moving , they climbed out on deck . Since it was full daylight , it was harder to find a spot where they could be alone , but shortly after departure , most of the passengers moved back inside . Alex fished the urn out from his jacket . His hands were shaking violently and she was afraid he would drop it , but he seemed to have it under control . " Don 't leave me , " he said . " Maybe just walk over there , " he continued and pointed to the other end of the ferry deck . " I just need a moment . " " Thank you , " he whispered and hugged her tight , before he let her go and she moved away . From where she was standing , she could see the contours of his lonely figure as he lifted an arm and tossed the urn overboard . It was impossible to see his face , but she could tell by his posture that he was crying . The cozy ferry continued plowing its way through the waves . The wind caused Kathleen 's eyes to tear up as she looked out on the semi - rough water . It was a new day . The gray sky was no longer a reflection of her inner self ; it was merely a reminder of the cycles of nature , life and death . Big , heavy tears were dripping from the sky and as they collided with the hard boat deck , each drop shattered into another thousand tears , as constant reminders of those challenges that life would continue to provide , challenges that they would stand up to and conquer . The boat kept moving away from the Seattle shoreline . A huge wind gust swept in , and nearly caused her to fall backwards , but she proudly kept her balance . She turned her face up towards the sky , and far above her she could see the mist and the black clouds in the hazy sky , hundreds and thousands of feet up in the air . Alex walked up next to her . His face was nice and tanned and blended perfectly in with his raven black hair . She grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently , and this time she knew that it provided both comfort and a nice promise for the future , and their broken hearts were finally healing . Neither of them felt like talking much , but cuddled up to each other and sat in silence on the ride back from Bainbridge Island to Seattle . It was a short ride , but it seemed to last forever . " Thank you for coming with me . " She had been lost in his eyes and smiled at the sound of his voice . " What are friends for , " she said . " Friends , " he grinned . " It 'll be fun to try something new . " Yup , a bit cheesy , but like the story ; ) And no , don 't uncheese this story , then it 's better to write a new one . We can correct and rewrite our stories over and over again , and never become really satisfied . It 's the writer 's fate . So , it 's better to leave the stories stay as they are , and go on and let the other stories you have inside of you , come out . |
This begins the story of my year long trek around the world . Well some of it will be flying . Or biking . Maybe trains . I might rent a car . . . . I have been home now for more than a month . I have a planner again . I 've gone to movies . I am busy . I have conversations . I have beer instead of wine . I forget to look at email . I clean house . I do laundry and dishes in a machine . I sleep in a bed and pee in the toilet , most the time . I think of the trip , it was fantastic . I 've learned about cultures and countries , priveledges and priorities . India was a study in human deformity and poverty . Africa a study in culutral violence . South East Asia a study in perserverance . Japan a lesson in reverance . I would do it again ; and again . I had been biking in the rain for several days . I was excited at the possibility of shelter , a roof of any kind ; a shower house , a picnic pavilion , at that point a port - a potty would have done . Sleeping in a French vineyard in a damp tent in damp clothing no matter how I romanticized it , had grown tiresome . I rolled into the campground , and true to French hospitality I was turned down for camping . The campground was open , others were camping , but for some reason , according to the mean little woman in the speaker box , the campground was closed . Chit . A German couple leaving the campground overheard me arguing with the speaker box woman and gave me directions to another campground close by but up a steep hill . It was shelter and I was thrilled . At this campground I got to talk to a human behind the desk , was assigned a camping spot and told they had free hot showers . Whoo hoo , I was happy . I went to my spot and started setting up when my neighbor , a woman from England came out and offered me a " cup o tea " . Could it get better ? We chatted in the light rain while I drank the tea , ate the biscuit and asked for another . When I finished , she gathered her cup and plate , said good night then gave me a hug . My eyes welled up . A tear rolled over the edge . A lump choked off my air . When she let go to say good night again and pat my shoulder she looked at me and said " alright , alright what 's this ? ! " . I asked her for another hug . That interaction was my first inkling , my first clue . The next week the weather improved a bit , but not much , so I was still looking for campgrounds at night , and maybe another hug . One evening I was set up , cooking dinner when an elderly woman walked by with her three dogs and five cats . I could not resist . I got up and tried to talk to her . She didn 't speak English but she " told " me the names of all her friends and then invited me to her trailer in the campground . She was a permanent resident and was happy to have a visitor . She showed me her whole house , her drawers and their contents , where she didPosted by It is a beautiful day today and I will be out on the farm planting , weed whacking and doing general nesting activities . It feels somewhat surreal , comforting and stressful all at once being home . I need a planner . The cats need feeding , the hay needs to be baled and wow , is it good to see friends and family . I have a few more blogs to share and a final entry . I will do that soon , probably after I feed the cats . I am hoping to see all of you ( yes everyone , the whole world ) June 7th at the farm for a gathering . It will be so great to see you , and speak English . Can 't wait ! I had been warned . I had been told . But still I was not prepared . The French are not friendly , at all . They don 't think it 's funny when you butcher their language . They don 't think they should share the road with cyclists , and they have forgotten it seems that Americans were their friends at one point not so long ago . I went straight from my brilliant day in Italy to this environment in France . I was surprised . How could this happen in a matter of meters ? Where were all my " friends " ? The last day of cycling in Italy was brilliant . The sun was out , the roads were good , the terrain challenging and fun , and , I was nearing France on my way to see a friend I had met in India . I was motivated , excited and rolling along . Every other cyclist in Italy was out as well ( or so it seemed ) . In my excitement of the day I started saying " ciao ' " to all the cyclist that went by . Sometimes I would get no response but sometimes a whole team would go by , a line of perhaps 30 cyclist , and as they passed the ciaos would get louder and more enthusiastic . I was hooked . I said " ciao ' " to everyone . I said " ciao ' " to the birds , the dogs , and tourists alike . I was singing and smiling and ciaoing my way to France . When I saw the sign at the border of France I welled up , I didn 't want the " ciaoing " to end . Oh but it did . I had been biking hard all day up a pass , it was getting late in the afternoon , I was tired , lonely , and wondering where I would stay that night . I entered one of those tiny mountain villages where the streets are about eight feet wide and the buildings line the street like wall paper . The streets were not only narrow but steep so I was in my lowest gear and crawling , barely faster than a walk . I came upon and began to pass an old , bent , Italian woman , scarf on her head , sagging hose on her legs , apron around her waist and black shoes . She was walking with what looked like a large agricultural bag of cotton slug over her shoulders , her elbows bent over her head and her hands clasped tightly on the knot . I passed her and looked , she smiled , I said buon giorno ( that being the more respectful way to say " good day " in Italian ) and continued onward . As I looked up from our exchange I noticed three older gentleman sitting on a bench , one resting on a cane , one leaning forward past the first to see , the other leaning back ; all in tweed jackets with caps on their heads . I said " ciao " . Immediately the woman I had passed spoke in a loud voice to the men , all I understood were two words : " ciao " and " buon giorno " . The men responded with something and chuckled . She responded to them with a " my hello was better than yours was " tone . I looked back . They all looked at me . We all laughed . Simple , but sweet . I had been biking all day into the wind and I was hungry but it was a holiday and nothing was open . I ate some stuff I had in the packs but it was not satisfying my hunger . Everything was shut down . I went through Genova , a huge city and nothing , nothing was open . I was looking at energy bars for dinner . Ugh . As I got out of Genova I spied a tiny grocery open for business . I broke hard made a u turn and parked my bike . Inside it was like a small modern Krogers . I was thrilled , all the choices , all deli options . The first thing I smelled was rotisserie chicken . I went to it like a fly . I took one off the rack and put it in my basket . I gathered a few more things ; bread , olives , pesto , noodles , yogurt and cereal , some apples and coffee . I headed to the check out excited about the pending meal . I took some time stuffing my panniers , and rearranging things to accommodate the bounty but the chicken wouldn 't fit anywhere inside , so I tied it to the outside ( I felt like I was back in Vietnam ) and started down the road . I didn 't get far , that chicken smelled too damn good . I soon stopped at a little square in a town center . A few people were sitting around enjoying the late afternoon sun , a few more were feeding the pigeons and talking . I took the chicken off the bike and sat down among them . I looked into the bag and thought . . . I 'll just eat a bit then get the bread and olives and and my water . I reached in and grabbed a wing . It was a whole chicken so I had to pull to separate the wing . A few pieces of chicken went flying , pigeons ran over , I ate the wing . Man it was good . I grabbed another wing , more pieces , more pigeons , more delight . I turned the chicken over in the bag and tore into the back and thighs . At this time I had it all over my hands , a few pieces had escaped the bag and landed on my face , I had it in my lap , the pigeons were eating off the ground . I couldn 't stop . I had another piece . When it was all over the chicken was gone , only a pile of bones remained . I looked up . Some man was staring at me , I shruPosted by I was on the strip between Naples and Rome . The roads were confusing , numerous and the area was was mostly industrial or port side . I was lonely and not motivated by the scenery and I was a bit lost . I passed an older Indian guy on the road . He was on a bicycle much like Dorothy 's . But it was rusty . I tried to ask him a question but he spoke no English . I showed him on the map where I was trying to go but he could not tell me how to get there . We stood there . He made a noise with his mouth , bobbled his head and waved me on to follow him . I tucked in behind him happy for the draft . I had been fighting the wind all day . He was amazingly fast on the bike and I had to work to keep up . I thought surely could not keep this up long , and that we would be to the eventual turn off soon . I tried not to feel guilty that he was up there breaking the wind and working so hard . We continued . Occasionally he would look back smile and give me a wave onward . I began to get a little worried , we had been riding about 20 minutes . We entered a really bad area . More prostitutes then I have ever seen in my life . One every 5o meters . I was glad to be tucked in behind him for the safety though I still worried about where we were going . I could not check my map as he was moving onward , and fast . We traveled another twenty minutes . More prostitutes , more wind , more worry . He smiled and waved me on again . I followed . Thirty minutes later , he pulled to a halt in front of a big sign that said " Roma " . We had been riding for more than an hour . He smiled and patted me on the back . I said my thank you 's . Then , he made a u turn and headed back . He had escorted me to my destination , way past his . Cindy was thoughtful and flew out during the time my birthday would pass . She was very happy to do so and was anxious to make things special for me on that day . We were in the Amalfi coast , quite possibly the most beautiful spot I have seen , and we were in the town of Amalfi on my special day . That evening we walked around looking at restauraunts trying to pick a nice one in which to celebrate . During our walk we met a couple from the U . S . , started talking and decided to share dinner with them . Cindy told them it was my birthday and the celebration began . We ordered a bottle of wine , and then another . Over wine we talked of traveling , politics and life abroad , getting older and taking opportunities and risks and the rewards of doing just that . I noticed the reward the wine was affording me but before I could think about what I should do the waiter brought out lemon cello 's for the table in my honor . Well I had to partake , and the mix of red wine and lemon cello was . . . well delicious . So I had Cindy 's as she was not drinking it , and I had our new friends drink as well . Why waste it right ? Our new friends decided to call it a night and so we all retired to our hostels . I stumbled to ours . As soon as I got in the door the room started spinning . I layed down and the speed increased . I got back up and I felt a change , in my stomach . So I made my way to the throne and did what you might expect , repeatedly , like an eighteen year old . Cindy lay in bed shaking her head . I did not deserve more . Wanted to let you guys know I am sorry about the lack of blogs . I talked with a friend from France and he said that it is common that France and Italy do not have many internet cafe 's even for the tourist . . . so I have been out of touch . In addition I have been camping all along the way so there is even less internet access in the fields of green . I also must back up from the Indian guy story and make a confession . So read on and enjoy . Cindy and I made our way to Pompeii skipping the bidets along the way . We spent a day in Pompeii and then made our way to Rome on the train for the inevitable . She had to leave . Jojo would be meeting me at the airport in Rome on the heels of Cindy 's leaving so I would be distracted from myself , Cindy did not have that luxury . Jojo walked my legs off in Rome and then in Naples . We went to the Vatican in Rome where I was able to send a special post to my Mom from the Vaticans own mailing system . That was fun . Then Jojo went back to Rome from Naples and I went down to Pompeii where Cindy and I had stopped biking , and I started again , alone . It took me about a week to get going , and that week was spent in the strip between Naples and Rome on prostitute road . That did not help my loneliness . But there was this one Indian guy . Cindy and I stopped by a gas station for bathroom duties and gasoline for our cook stove . She had to go pretty badly so I stayed out with the bikes and got the gas we needed . She was in a pretty big hurry , unfortunately when she got to the bathroom it was being cleaned . The cleaning woman stepped out after noticing Cindy 's distress and Cindy hurried in . After sitting and sighing in relief for having made it in time she began to look around the bathroom as any one of us might do . What she saw sent a shiver down her spine . She couldn 't believe her eyes . How could it be ? She was staring at a toilet . Then to her horror , to her dismay she realized , she had just shit in the bidet . She got up and looked for the faucet handles . There were none . So she waved her hand in front , behind and around the faucet trying to trigger the automatic water . She broke a sweat , she remembered the cleaning woman waiting outside , she sweat some more . The water would not come on . She waved some more and shook the faucet but to no avail . She looked around for something , anything to aid her . But there was only one option to take and it wasn 't pretty . When she left though the cleaning woman never knew a thing . When she came out I asked her what on earth had taken her so long . All she said was " never , never shit in the bidet " . It was about five o ' clock in the evening and we had been biking up a steep pass for about five hours . We were out of water and there was no town in sight when Cindy spotted a farmer bent over in a garden and suggested I ask for water and maybe a place to put our tent . She was an older woman , tough looking , bent and knarled from work , mud covered her hands and knees , was caked on her shoes and a small swath went across her face . I hated interupting her work , but she was happy to stop and give us some water . She took me up the drive a bit and through a gate and into a managerie of animals , buildings , grapevines , parts and pieces of things scattered everywhere . There were noisy goats tethered by one leg , chickens pecking the ground , a man tying grapevines , one dog tied up and one running around . There were stoves , cabinets and machinery long past their usable days mired in the mud . There were many projects half started or finished , I couldn 't tell . I was overwhelmed with . . . stimulus . I thought we shouldn 't stay but I asked anyway , it was late and we didn 't have many options . She shrugged her shoulders and agreed to let us camp , though I wondered were we would put up a tent . I went to get Cindy and we spent about an hour setting up camp and looking at the place . We had an amazing view of the coast line we had biked the previous day , it was a grogeous spot to camp . The man tying the grapevines never hesitated in his work and the woman began bringing in the sheep and goats and feeding the chickens . I eventually went to the man to see what he was doing and he " explained " that these were their grapevines and they had a little winery in one of the buildings . About that time the woman finished with her chores and motioned Cindy and I into the only intact building on the place . The man followed . The place smelled wonderfully of herbs and cooking , wine fermenting , machinery and old tools . It was more of the same that was outside but with more density . There was corn , peppers , herbs and dried , salted meat hanging from the rafPosted by Well I will just write about it , and maybe the sour taste in my mouth will go away . But the bike will always be gone . That 's right , GONE , within an hour of being in Italy . I had arrived from Greece on the ferry into the port town of Bari , Italy , stayed one night , and then spent Easter day at McDonald 's , the only place open , waiting for my overnight train to Rome where I would meet Cindy . We would travel back to Bari and start our bike trip from there . I was able to leave my bike at a hostel in Bari while I traveled to Rome , Cindy was bringing her bike with her . She was excited about her bike and had spent a great deal of time with the bike shop guys in Fairfax getting it ready for a mountainous tour of Italy . Before leaving for Rome I had arranged for a hotel in Bari and was excited that our hotel had a locked lobby and had planned on staging the bikes in the lobby , tinkering with them and getting them ready to start our trip . Oh but there would be no tinkering . When we arrived at the hotel ( in Bari ) we left the boxed bike in the lobby , ran up four flights of stairs to check in and get the rest of her stuff in the room and went back down for the bike . It was gone . Finnito . Stolen . Roboerto . Nicked . D . U . N . I was ready to give up the bike trip . We 'll just get on a stinking bus I thought , but Cindy undaunted , ( well maybe a little daunted ) , suggested we find a another bike and get moving with our plans . And so we did . We spent the next three days going through what proved to be a good experience with the people of Italy . We found a bike shop guy that was really a motorbike shop guy but had a few bikes , particularly this used one , that was just what we needed , sort of , but he made it work for us . He was big , hairy , loud and spoke absolutely no English but was kind and made sure we had what it would take to get on the road . For two days while he was making repairs and adjustments on the bike we were out trying to buy a sleeping bag and clothes to replace the ones Cindy lost in the bike box . In a huge Walmart kind of plaPosted by Hi all , Cindy here . Tracy wanted me to tell you that she is having a great deal of trouble finding internet in Italy . I can attest to that . It was very difficult to find an internet connection even at the hostels . One hostel owner told us it was because of the strictness of the police , the paperwork they require and privacy issues . Anyway , Tracy said she has many new stories ready to post when she gets a chance . She is currently making her way from Pompeii , Italy to Madrid , Spain by bicycle . Well , it seems that preparing for , going to , and recovering from Italy has put me behind in getting pictures posted . I realized that I still had pictures from Africa that I haven 't posted , including many of the animals she saw in Kruger . I have Greece photos and of course Italy photos . So while she is on hiatus from blogging I 'll post some of the photos starting now with Greece . Posted by I had just finished biking through the city of Patras , Greece and then going across the 2 . 5 mile bridge into a sleepy little country town . I was a bit frazzled by the trip through Patras , it had been rush hour traffic and I had spent about two hours negotiating my way through the thick mass of cars , buses , motorbikes , trucks and such . I was relieved to be out of the fray but it was getting dark and I had to find a place to sleep . I usually check out the churches in towns for a yard to sleep in but this particular town 's church had no yard , not even a court yard to speak of , so I headed out of town . I spied a horse pasture but it was right next to a road and house so I continued on a bit further . I passed a grove of olive trees with a bent over old man and a woman in a dress among the trees herding their sheep and chickens into a little shed . I thought to myself what an idyllic life , a grove of olive trees , sheep , chickens and a garden , everything they need . A simple stress free life . I bicycled on by and as the road narrowed and the country side opened up the camping options dwindled . No woods or olive groves to hide in . I turned around and headed back into town and as I made my way I passed the old man who had been in the sheep field . He was on an ancient rickety bike with a contraption on the front rack that held his milk bucket . He had a traditional Greek cap on , was dirty from milking and had absolutely huge farmer hands , short stubby and muscular from years of work . I said " yahsus " , he stopped and smiled and then I proceeded to make a little tent with my hands and then put my hands together under my cocked head to indicate sleeping and then began to shrug my shoulders to ask where I could camp when he said . . . " do you speak English " . We both laughed . We spoke for some time as I anxiously watched the sun go lower and lower and disappear . Then he told me to come with him . I followed him to his yard and he told me I could camp there and when I got my tent set up for me to come to the house . I spent the evening with him and his wife , she did not speak a lick of English but he was fluent . He was also fluent in world politics and economics . He could tell me what was going on with our election process , what the candidates were claiming to believe and for whom he would vote . . . Hillary . We also talked about personal economics . He asked me what the average slsary at home was and what kind of taxes we paid . Turned out he did not pay any taxes in Greece , he and his wife made less than twelve thousand dollars a year . They made their money on their olive grove and kept the animals and garden as a supplement . Some years were good and some were very bad . They fed me a dinner of their lamb , cheese , and eggs and I went back to my tent stuffed full . The next morning I met him at their sheep shed and helped do some chores and played with the day old lambs . I had coffee with him , his wife and his sister who lived next door . I asked how they made their cheese . The farmer began to explain but then the wife and the sister took over . They fought over the stage , each grabbing one utensil or another and demonstrating what to do with it as if they were on a cooking show and then arguing with one another about whether they had done it right or not . One would use the utensil and look at me and smile then the other would grab it from her hands and shake her finger at me or the sister and use the utensil in another way . I don 't know how they ever made cheese . I was sent off with 6 boiled eggs , and about 4 pounds of cheese , bread and fresh milk . Life was good . It rained my third morning biking so I was slow to get up and out . I had camped in a church yard . Greek Orthodox . I had , as usual , waited until dark the night before to set up my tent so I didn 't see that the spot I had chosen was on quite a slope . In the night I had slid down and slept in a pile at the end of my tent . As a result my feet had been cold all night as they were pressed against the nylon of my tent and not centered in the nice , not so fluffy , toe box of my sleeping bag . I was cold , grumpy and it was raining . There happened to be a little building in the church yard with a covered porch so I got under its roof to avoid the rain . My feet were freezing , I was grateful for the shelter . I got out some toe warmers , shook them to get them going , put my crocks on , no socks , with the warmers under my toes . I had my crocks on because I wanted to keep my cycling shoes and socks dry , it is miserable cycling with cold wet feet . I made my coffee and had breakfast , sat around and looked at the gloomy weather but eventually I had to face the day . The rain had subsided , but the roads were wet and the air misty . I packed my stuff , got my bike and stood at the top of a hill and tried to decide between easy highway or beach road . Since it was my last few days in Greece I chose the beach . I started down , and man it was steep . So steep that I got off my bike and walked it down . Then the road turned into gravely mud and it sucked me down . It was all over me , my shoes , my bike , my panniers , my tires , all before I could say Chit . It accumulated in my frame so much so I could not push the bike . I had to clean the mud from the frame about every ten steps just so I could continue . I didn 't want to walk back up that extremely steep slope to get out so I kept going forward . I could see asphalt ahead but it took me forever to get there . Once I got there I had to clean my bike and myself . The chain , the frame , my shoes were packed with gritty mud , I was packed with gritty mud . I went to the beach to get some water . I got on my handPosted by Chris and Jan met me in Athens . They decided to stay where I would be in order to spend more time together . The Hyatt they were accustomed to turned into the " Economu " in Greece . No hot water , no towels , no soap , no heat , but the cockroach , free of charge . I fixed them coffee ( starbucks fine grind on my international whisper lite camp stove ) in the morning and brought them pastries , ( my efforts at easing their pain ) . We had happy hour in the room every night with grape leaves , cheese , bread and olives or fruit , ( it was as close to room service as they got ) . We trapsed around the ruins of Greece and I was the sherpa , I carried the pack with the water and snacks ( I ate most of the snacks ) . We stopped for beer thirty every day ( I ate most the snacks then too ) and ate untold Greek salads . While we weren 't doing the above we were doing our " Cats of Athens " photo shoots , soon to be featured . We had a wonderful time , and so did the cats . Well I was able to bike from Athens to Igoumenitsia Greece and catch the ferry to Bari , Italy to meet Cindy so we could bike through Italy . ( A few great Greece gypsie stories to come . ) When I got to ItaLy and met Cindy . . . well . . . . that 's where the thieves part comes in ( another story ) . Now we are tramping ( biking ) around Italy together , grinding up mountain passes , staying in empty farm houses in the country , closed campgrounds near the cities and eating lots of great food and drinking mucho vino . The views of Cindy 's ass are amazing . That 's about all I see for she is ahead of me . If I look left I see the coast , and it is almost as good . Talk to you soon ! I spent ten days in Kruger National Park . I had a great time as a junior ranger driving around in my safari mobile . There is not much I can say to explain my experience . To say it was great would not touch it . To say it was beautiful could not describe it . To say I learned things would not be enough . I did become acutely aware of my position in the food chain . I was in awe of the bird life , and was able to identify 64 species and recognize some of their calls . I had elephants shake their heads and trumpet their disgust at me after accidentally driving to close to them when I came around a curve . I set up camp close enough to elephants to hear them fart . I slept under African skies and was awakened in the night by a lions roar . I observed baboons harvest grains . I had a buffalo turn on its heels , glare at me and ask " what you lookin at ? " . I lost my head , got out of my car and took many pictures of a dung beetle rolling it 's prize across the road , forgetting I could be eaten at any moment . I watched three cheetahs spend their morning grooming themselves and each other and I watched a leopard slink through the bush . I watched ten beautiful sunrises and sun sets over acacia and balboa trees on the African plains . I was right where I wanted to be at each moment . I was in heaven . I cried when I left . Yeah , I petted a Cheetah , Elaine did too . Yes , we tamed the cheetah . It cooed for me ( you know how I am with cats , my own run from me ) and purred for both of us . I almost had it talking . . . . . the way my cats do . They call people over to tell secrets and ask whole groups at a time if they are fat . This cheetah was just about to engage in a conversation with me alone . You can see it in the pictures , it is looking over its shoulder at me , just about to tell me something loving . I had it in the palm of my hands , she was putty . I was the cheetah tamer . And just as she was about to say that loving something to me , the Cheetah Land employee told me my time was up . You only get so long for your 150 rand , but you do get your very own 8X10 photo as a souvenir all included . Yes I paid money to touch a cheetah . So did Elaine . At Cheetah Land . I finally got my prized horse ride on the beach . It wasn 't quite what I wanted , but it did happen . The guy I had booked with the night before had not followed through with the booking so in the morning when I showed up the horses were not there . By the time the guys were called and the horses saddled , I had waited and waited and watched my five hour ride slowly disentigrate into a two hour one . The horses finallychucklin arrived . They were quite underwieght , ill equipped and trained by whooping and hollering cowboys . I went anyway . The horses had some life in them and we were able to canter along the beach , dodge in and out of the waves and then move up a small pass to a mountain village . I was a bit apprehensive about the village visit because the S . African natives are not known to be friendly nor welcome more whites into their lives . The guides and I though made the scheduled stop at a traditional village house where I was offered a type of beer made of corn to drink . The women of the village passed a pitcher to me , the two guides that were with me and several villagers that were hanging around . The beer was awful , I couldn 't drink it but they seemed to love it and drank three pitchers among them . It was a brillant day . We were on top of a mountain , the wind was blowing through the tall green grass , the horses were grazing , the sea spread before us as far as the eye could see and mountain farmland spread out behind us . Among this beauty we sat strangely quiet and disconnected . The villagers doing their obligatory offering of beer and entertainment and me sitting there not able to drink their beer . The guides and I had to wait some more time to let the horses rest and while we waited I noticed some chickens walking around . I asked one of the horseman if they could catch one of the chickens for me . They chuckled and said " no " . I waited for a bit and asked again explaining that if they could catch a chicken for me I could show them some chicken tricks . He said to me " these chickens aren 't trained " . I tried to expPosted by The hostel I stayed at in Cape Town was a bit different . People lived there full time . They had been living there together long enough that they knew each other 's habits , idiosyncrasies and struggles . I stayed for two weeks on a work program and in doing so I became part of the " family " . Jane . She worked and that was all she did outside her room . That 's about all we knew about her , where she worked and when . She was mysterious . She had a four day weekend while I was there and we only saw her when she had a smoke or was eating in the kitchen . She ate only T . V . dinners and instant coffee . She had no radio , no T . V . , no books in her room . She had no dates and went nowhere other than work and the grocery . We would try to talk to her but to no avail . She would reply to a few comments or questions but then would get up and leave , in mid sentence sometimes . She was always pleasant however , always smiled when we said hello . Ask her to go anywhere though and it was an immediate " no " . Ask her if she wanted a book you were finished with and it was , " I am not reading now thank you " . So of course we all speculated about her life . We made up sordid pasts and extravagant futures . We predicted her smoke times and which T . V . dinner she would have . We invited her to places and knew she would turn us down . If we hadn 't seen her in the usual amount of time though we worried . She wasn 't the black sheep , just the mysterious one . And then there was George , the guy who lived in the broom closet . He did a little work around the hostel and he lived among the tools he used . He would unroll his bed underneath the brooms , rakes and hoses at night , then roll it back up in the morning so he could get to the tools he needed . He hung his clothes on hooks meant for screw drivers and pliers and kept his alarm clock and other miscellaneous items on the steps of a ladder folded against the wall . About once every two months he would travel for three days by bus to Malawi , his native country , and buy tourist trinkets to sell in Cape Town . He would sell the trinkets , live in the broom closet until his money ran out , and then return to Malawi . He spent much of his money on ganja ( and as a result walked around with blood shot eyes ) and Bob Marley music . If he didn 't have enough to eat Elaenor would make him sit down and eat dinner with us . He had short dreadlocks that looked like cell phone antennae sprouting from his head in all directions . He was a nice guy with a broken heart and a winding path . We all liked him . Helen was the proprietor of the hostel . Long story short , Helen was depressed , disillusioned and downtrodden . Her husband was a spiritual leader and guru in the community , and a complete asshole . One day he surreptitiously took the cat that belonged to the eight year old living in the hostel to the animal shelter . Left it to the boy 's mother to explain the cat 's disappearance . He was so pedantic it was tiring , he would have told you how to breathe if he had enough time , but he was busy . He had many important " meetings " to attend . Everyone knew what his meetings were about . They were day time soaps and evening reality shows . If he was at the hostel he would announce to us that he needed to leave for a meeting . As soon as he got out the door people in the hostel would yell out , " Days of our Lives " or " Big Brother " and chuckle . He and Helen were vegetarians and ate no processed sugar , at least when Helen was at home with John . What John didn 't know was she had an entire side of the hostel fridge stuffed with sausage , steak and sweet things . And ganja ; ganja George sold her . Ganja she would smoke frequently and in total secrecy , or so she thought . She would go down the hall to the bathroom with her purse , to roll her doobie . That was the sign , the trip to the bathroom with the purse . When she went to the bathroom with " the purse " everyone knew what would come next . She kept a ladder propped up in one of the trees in the back yard and she would disappear ( although everyone knew where she was ) into the tree to smoke . Then came the sun glasses , a mad rush of energy , new ideas and a clean office . When the trip down the hall with the purse happended everyone would scatter , the hostel would empty and her ideas would bounce off walls instead of others . The guy that lived down the hall had a good job , and a nice car ( Mercedes S . U . V . of some sort ) and lived in one room of the hostel , with a roommate . Sometimes his whole extended family would come to visit him , but they stayed in their cars . Fifteen or so people outside the hoTumba was the woman who cleaned the hostel in return for her stay . She had been there for years . She also lived in one room but seemed to have friends and things to do outside the hostel . I tried in vane to get her to talk to me . I was at the hostel ten days before she did . The last four days I was there she would say hello and smile but that was as far as it would go . She talked to the other people in the hostel including Helen whom she worked for . She was Helen 's personal attendant , cooking savory meat dishes and delectable desserts that Helen wanted . She was in on the game of hide and seek with John . If she were cooking for Helen and John came in she would not serve Helen until he had left . She hadn 't liked John since the cat incident and was glad to participate in the secret eating habits Helen kept , besides she got what Helen didn 't eat , and that was good stuff . There was romance in the hostel , and Tumba was at the heart of it all . She had a thing for George , but George 's heart belonged to someone else , who didn 't return his love . Felecia also helped to clean the hostel . I never got to know her though I got to know her hair . How could I not ? She parted her hair into triangles against her scalp , about 15 triangles in all , and each triangle then lead up into a point . She was not friendly and we never spoke but I wanted to ask her about that hair . . . . . Eleanor was my dear friend and confidant . She was a big formidable woman . I was nervous around her at first . She was not friendly right off . When she looked at me the first time I knew she was sizing me up and making conclusions before I had a chance to speak . I found out she was going to the grocery the first morning I was at the hostel and asked if I could ride along . She said a reluctant yes and I climbed in for a silent ride to the store . We left each other 's company to do our shopping and met back at the front of the store after our purchases . I had gotten a little over zealous at the grocery and she did not hide her astonishment at the amount of groceries I bought . I tried to explain it was for ten days but she was not convinced I was sane and that was written all over her face . When I invited her to share in my dinner that night , that began a great friendship . We spent the next 12 days talking , taking walks , sharing dinners and dreams . She had lived eight years at the hostel with her son . They both lived in one room . She lived there so she had enough money to send him to a good school . She had no other options so she made do with the hostel as her home . She was the matriarch of the hostel . If people were out of line she put them back on the straight and narrow path . She told people at the hostel how it was going to be and they did what she said . She gave me a good example of how to stand up for myself . On our last night together we shared a nice meal and a bottle of wine and were set to eat a fruit salad for dessert but were to full . We left the fruit salad out on the counter for us to eat later . When we did come out to eat it about half of it was gone . She knew George and another hostel resident had been in the kitchen while we were gone . Immediately she hunted them down . She didn 't ask if they had eaten the fruit salad or ask if they had been in the kitchen she just went right into how rude it was that they did not ask to eat her food . Then stood there silently until they apologized . I was impressed . She didn 't waver under uncertainty , she didn 't give them the benefit of the doubt and therefore doubt herself , she went with her intuition without hesitation . She did not question her ability to asess the situation , nor did she question how to handle it . She was pissed and let them know it . I liked that . I wanted that . I needed that in my life . We still write Eleanor and I . I was sad when I left her country . Somehow even though I had not seen her for three weeks , and would probably never see her again , leaving S . Africa made me feel far away from her . The hostel I stayed at in Cape Town was a bit different . People lived there full time . They had been living there together long enough that they knew each other 's habits , idiosyncrasies and struggles . I stayed for two weeks on a work program and in doing so I became part of the " family " . Jane . She worked and that was all she did outside her room . That 's about all we knew about her , where she worked and when . She was mysterious . She had a four day weekend while I was there and we only saw her when she had a smoke or was eating in the kitchen . She ate only T . V . dinners and instant coffee . She had no radio , no T . V . , no books in her room . She had no dates and went nowhere other than work and the grocery . We would try to talk to her but to no avail . She would reply to a few comments or questions but then would get up and leave , in mid sentence sometimes . She was always pleasant however , always smiled when we said hello . Ask her to go anywhere though and it was an immediate " no " . Ask her if she wanted a book you were finished with and it was , " I am not reading now thank you " . So of course we all speculated about her life . We made up sordid pasts and extravagant futures . We predicted her smoke times and which T . V . dinner she would have . We invited her to places and knew she would turn us down . If we hadn 't seen her in the usual amount of time though we worried . She wasn 't the black sheep , just the mysterious one . And then there was George , the guy who lived in the broom closet . He did a little work around the hostel and he lived among the tools he used . He would unroll his bed underneath the brooms , rakes and hoses at night , then roll it back up in the morning so he could get to the tools he needed . He hung his clothes on hooks meant for screw drivers and pliers and kept his alarm clock and other miscellaneous items on the steps of a ladder folded against the wall . About once every two months he would travel for three days by bus to Malawi , his native country , and buy tourist trinkets to sell in Cape Town . He would sell the trinkets , live in the broom closet until his money ran out , and then return to Malawi . He spent much of his money on ganja ( and as a result walked around with blood shot eyes ) and Bob Marley music . I he didn 't have enough to eat Elaenor would make him sit down and eat dinner with us . He had short dreadlocks that looked like cell phone antennae sprouting from his head in all directions . He was a nice guy with a broken heart and a winding path . We all liked him . Helen was the proprietor of the hostel . Long story short , Helen was depressed , disillusioned and downtrodden . Her husband was a spiritual leader and guru in the community , and a complete asshole . One day he surreptitiously took the cat that belonged to the eight year old living in the hostel to the animal shelter . Left it to the boy 's mother to explain the cat 's disappearance . He was so pedantic it was tiring , he would have told you how to breathe if he had enough time , but he was busy . He had many important " meetings " to attend . Everyone knew what his meetings were about . They were day time soaps and evening reality shows . If he was at the hostel he would announce to us that he needed to leave for a meeting . As soon as he got out the door people in the hostel would yell out , " Days of our Lives " or " Big Brother " and chuckle . He and Helen were vegetarians and ate no processed sugar , at least when Helen was at home with John . What John didn 't know was she had an entire side of the hostel fridge stuffed with sausage , steak and sweet things . And ganja ; ganja George sold her . Ganja she would smoke frequently and in total secrecy , or so she thought . She would go down the hall to the bathroom with her purse , to roll her doobie . That was the sign , the trip to the bathroom with the purse . When she went to the bathroom with " the purse " everyone knew what would come next . She kept a ladder propped up in one of the trees in the back yard and she would disappear ( although everyone knew where she was ) into the tree to smoke . Then came the sun glasses , a mad rush of energy , new ideas and a clean office . When the trip down the hall with the purse happended everyone would scatter , the hostel would empty of people and her ideas would bounce off walls instead of others . She had big dreams and had done some great things but somewhere along the line had run out of steam . The guy that lived down the hall had a good job , and a nice car ( Mercedes S . U . V . of some sort ) and lived in one room of the hostel , with a roommate . Sometimes his whole extended family would come to visit him , but they stayed in their cars . Fifteen or so people outside the hostel sitting around , cooking on fires and sleeping in their vehicles . ( It was to dangerous to sleep outside . ) They would be in and out of the hostel , using the showers , the kitchen , the dishes and the water . He never explained their appearance or their dissappearance for that matter . He never asked if they could come nor gave us warning that they would be there crowding us out . We spent time speculating about his life , wondering why someone with such money would stay in a room of a hostel with a roommate . We thought maybe he had a prison record or sold drugs and didn 't really have a job . Maybe he had murdered ten people and the car was one of theirs . We never knew . Tumba was the woman who cleaned the hostel in return for her stay . She had been there for years . She also lived in one room but seemed to have friends and things to do outside the hostel . I tried in vane to get her to talk to me . I was at the hostel ten days before she did . The last four days I was there she would say hello and smile but that was as far as it would go . She talked to the other people in the hostel including Helen whom she worked for . She was Helen 's personal attendant , cooking savory meat dishes and delectable desserts that Helen wanted . She was in on the game of hide and seek with John . If she were cooking for Helen and John came in she would not serve Helen until he had left . She hadn 't liked John since the cat incident and was glad to participate in the secret eating habits Helen kept , besides she got what Helen didn 't eat , and that was good stuff . She had a thing for George but it was not returned . Felecia also helped to clean the hostel . I never got to know her at all though I got to know her hair . She parted her hair into triangles against her scalp , about 15 in all , and each triangle then lead up into a point . She was not friendly and we never spoke but I wanted to ask her about that hair . . . . . Eleanor was my dear friend and confidant . She was a big formidable woman . I was nervous around her at first . She was not friendly right off . When she looked at me the first time I knew she was sizing me up and making conclusions before I had a chance to speak . I found out she was going to the grocery the first morning I was at the hostel and asked if I could ride along . She said a reluctant yes and I climbed in for a silent ride to the store . We left each other 's company to do our shopping and met back at the front of the store after our purchases . I had gotten a little over zealous at the grocery and she did not hide her astonishment at the amount of groceries I bought . I tried to explain it was for ten days but she was not convinced I was sane and that was written all over her face . When I invited her to share in my dinner that night , that began a great friendship . We spent the next 12 days talking , taking walks , sharing dinners and dreams . She had lived eight years at the hostel with her son . They both lived in one room . She lived there so she had enough money to send him to a good school . She had no other options so she made do with the hostel as her home . She was the matriarch of the hostel . If people were out of line she put them back on the straight and narrow path . She told people at the hostel how it was going to be and they did what she said . She gave me a good example of how to stand up for myself . On our last night together we shared a nice meal and a bottle of wine and were set to eat a fruit salad for dessert but were to full . We left the fruit salad out on the counter for us to eat later . When we did come out to eat it about half of it was gone . She knew George and another hostel resident had been in the kitchen while we were gone . Immediately she hunted them down . She didn 't ask if they had eaten the fruit salad or ask if they had been in the kitchen she just went right into how rude it was that they did not ask to eat her food . Then stood there silently until they apologized . I was impressed . She didn 't waver under uncertainty , she didn 't give them the benefit of the doubt and therefore doubt herself , she went with her intuition without hesitation . She did not question her ability to asess the situation , nor did she question how to handle it . She was pissed and let them know it . I liked that . I wanted that . I needed that in my life . We still write Eleanor and I . I was sad when I left her country . Somehow even though I had not seen her for three weeks , and would probably never see her again , leaving S . Africa made me feel far away from her . Strange I know but you would too . The Indians while they talk , answer , or while they listen , bobble their heads as if they were in the back window of some car . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Almost everything is done by hand in rural India and they have come up with some ingenious ways of getting things done . They seperate grain from the stalk by spreading the whole plant out in the road and waiting for traffic to thrash the grain . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Sometimes travel in India is worse than the " Vortex " at an amusement park . On many bus rides over mountain passes Sherry and I would hold onto the seat in front of us and look wide eyed at each other . The overloaded buses would heave heavily out and around the hairpin turns , all the while the driver was busy passing another car or bus and beeping loudly ; in case another vehicle came aroud the curve . I wanted to go to a bird sanctuary that was off the beaten track . Sherry had suggested it but we had run out of time to do it together . I decided to go even though accommodation there was a bit scarce . It was a long bus ride , and when I did arrive it was nearly dark . The place that promised accommodation did not have any accommodation . There was no other option . None . No accommodation . So I went back to the village outside the sanctuary and took my only other option . I knocked on doors . I pantomimed sleeping and smiled a big smile and let the worry that was rising in my self , show in my face . A family ( one in the ten that was in the village ) agreed to let me stay the night . They took a few things out of their bedroom and then showed me in with a smile . In the corner was their bed ; a piece of plywood on four posts , worn and frayed in the middle . No sheets , no cushion , no pillow . The only other thing in the room was one small cupboard for their belongings . Well there were a few other things in the room ; the frog on the bed , the mosquitoes , the gigantic crickets , the jumping spiders , and mold . Lots of mold . Oh and heat . Thick heat . Close heat . Heat you cannot escape heat . Humid heat . Heat . Did I say steamy ? I put my stuff in the room and thanked them many times . They invited me to dinner and indicated we would eat when their children got home from school . It was 5 : 30 at night . Around 6 : 00 pm three girls jumped off the bus and came running . They stopped short at the sight of a white woman in their house . It took a little while , the camera and petting their baby goats to befriend them . Soon , I was sitting doing their homework and they were off spending the battery in my camera . ( Yes I did their homework . ) They would return often to see how the homework was coming along and show me their pictures . At one point we were all sitting close , leaning over and working on the homework when they began to stroke my hair and touch my skin . They were fascinated but prejudiced . Those beautiful Indian girls , with deep , dark , innocent eyes , creamy coffee colored skin and hair down their back ; combed and cat black looked at me and said : " I wish I was white like you . " It was my last day in India . I was ready to leave . I wanted out of the trash , the stink and the human poop . ( Now looking back it was not that bad . ) I was standing at a very crowded bus stop . The smell of urine was in the air , trash was everywhere , the station and the buses were crowded , it was hot , and I was D . U . N . with India . Some middle aged Indian guy came over to me and started talking . He was one of those guys that solves everyone 's problems even if you don 't want him to ; he began solving mine even though I did not have one . He asked me where I was going and I told him Chennai airport . He asked me what bus I was taking and I told him . He replied that the bus I was to take bus was dirty ( which bus wasn 't ? ) and crowded ( there were buses in India that weren 't ? ) and that if I got on his bus it would be faster and cleaner . He guaranteed me that his bus , ( with only one bus change ) would drop me off at the airport door just like my other bus was supposed to . I declined . He pushed the idea . I declined . He pushed . I inquired . His bus came first ; I got on . The ride was long and the roads were busy and rough . The bus went through construction zones , eventually got stuck in traffic , and stuck in mayhem . It got dark and late , and when we got to the bus station for the change I was doubtful this transfer was really going to happen . We got off our bus and he looked around at the thirty or so buses in the area . He took me from bus to bus . He would ask the driver something , they would shake their heads , and he would move on to another bus . It was clear to me . I was in a city I didn 't want to be in , I didn 't know where it was on the map , it was dark , busy , and there were no buses going to the airport . CHIT ! I was holding my anger in but I wanted to strangle the little fucker . I told myself not to be mad at him as it was me who made the decision to get on the bus ; but I still wanted to strangle the little fucker . I was stressed , angry and stood a chance of missing my plane . He looked at me with resignation and apology . I told him thank you , I would find my way to the airport . He said " No , I will get you to the airport " . I shook my head and said " thank you " again . He insisted that he take me . I looked around ; at the hoards of people , the darkness , the language barrier , and the crowded , absolutely jam packed buses . I smelled the piss in the streets , I looked at the trash , the goats , and the thirty or so buses parked this way and that , moving in and going out ; and I felt my stress . I said " okay " , and we began our journey . Two hours and six buses later we arrived at the airport door . I got my plane . And a perspective on Indian culture . One of the first things Sherry did when she got to India was pull a few of my whiskers . What are friends for ? I guess I had been a bit remiss . My hair was a bit wild and untamed as well . I had cut it myself a couple of times ( with my folding traveling scissors ) but that was beginning to show . Not to many beauty shops along the way . In a small " hill station " in India I did spy a barber shop that was churning out short cuts like an assembly line spits out parts . I peeked in , and before I knew it I was in a chair trying to explain the cut I wanted . I have always spoken a different language than my hair dresser but this was something else . The shop had about four chairs , all occupied , me in one of them , a bench packed full of waiting boys and men , and a small crowd hanging around . I of course , was a spectacle . A woman with short brown hair , blue eyes and white skin . The barbers who were not cutting my hair stopped to chide the guy who was going to . In the mirror in front of me I could see guys behind me leaning on each other left and right so that they could see . Some bench sitters were laughing , all were staring and I was a nervous nellie . The barber started in and I indicated " no more than this please " and crossed my fingers . He worked and worked , the more he worked the more I got nervous . He returned to the back of my head several times , I guess I had butchered it thouroghly . Eventually he handed me a mirror and along with about 25 men in the shop , I took a look . It wasn 't bad ! One of the bench guys claimed that my chair would be the " girl 's chair " from now on . Many other comments were flying around but i had no idea what they were saying . I paid the equivalent of one dollar , posed for pictures , waved many goodbye 's . Just a few minutes down the road while Sherry and I were looking for internet , I stuck my head into what I thought was an internet " cafe " . Out from behind a wall came this flaming Indian gay guy . He explained that he was a I tech teacher , the computers were school computers and we could not use them . He then proceeded with the ususal line of questions . Where are you from ? What 's your name ? What do you do for work ? When I said I was a teacher he threw himself into my arms , hugged me and said in a high , excited lilting voice " We are both teachers ! " " I am so happy " . And he WAS happy , very happy ; and I was SO captive . " Please sit dwon , tell me more , let me show you , meet my students . . . " . I called out for Sherry who was by now wondering where the hell I was . When she came in he repeated the whole process . Hugging , questions , excitement , and " please sit down " . As he told us about his life and teaching he mentioned that was also teaching dance . We didn 't have to ask , he offered . He jumped from his chair , excused his students , pushed back the furniture and began the recital . ( View the movies Cindy posted ) He did several traditional Indian dances complete with singing . It was fantastic . There we were in India , watching a gay man dance and sing , and we were the only audience . When Sherry and I tried to make our exit he sighed and complained , and kept talking . We finally convinced him that we had to go but he insisted on pictures . We took pictures with him ; his cheek pressed against ours , then he called his students in and we took more pictures . Upon leaving I asked him for his address and he gave me his land address . . . . he didn 't have email . The next errand we had to do was to send some stuff home to the U . S . Easy enough ; find a box , package the box , address the box , and mail the box . Not in India . You have to " dress " the box as well . Which means taking the box to a tailor to have them make a linen " dress " for the box . Yes linen , complete with wax over the seams . ( See photos ) We didn 't have to look long for a tailor , as we walked down the street a man asked ; " Do you need your package dressed ? " Must have been the bewildered look on our faces . Well , I am completely out of shape . You would think I would have time to get in shape , but I don 't . Cindy is training for a half marathon . She 's been telling me about how good she feels and how much energy she has and so I was motivated . I went for a run . Well , a shuffle . I was in Mamallapuram in a small fishing village when this motivation hit ; so I headed to the beach . I wasn 't on the beach long until I saw a line of men ; all pulling on one rope that lead out into the ocean . They were each temporarily tied to the rope and leaning hard against the pull . There were about 25 of them and each walked backwards until they reached a guy on the end who was coiling the rope . There , the men would untie themselves and move to the head of the line and begin pulling again . I wondered what was on the end of the rope . But I kept on with my shuffle . About a quarter mile or more down the beach I saw another line of men doing the same thing . I stopped to watch and catch my breath . One guy caught my eye so I walked over and began asking him questions . He explained that the other line of men and his line were working together . On the end of the ropes was a huge net . As each line pulled backwards they also moved toward each other , eventually pulling the net closed as it came to shore . They had been at this for an hour so far and had another hour or so to go until the net was on shore . I helped for a bit . It was hard work . I didn 't feel like I was helping much ; I had no way to tie myself onto the rope and as I said , I am out of shape . I eventually gave up and went on with my run . When I came back the net was near shore so I stopped to watch them bring in the catch . I expected big fish in the net , fish of all kinds . Sharks , squid , grouper , jelly fish , barracuda , and maybe something strange and wild . As the fishermen pulled the net in close you could feel anticipation in the air increase . The pulling sped up , the effort increased , instructions were being yelled and some men began doing other jobs . Two men came off the rope and jumped in the water , each doing something with one line , diving , surfacing and diving again . Soon more men , ten or so jumped in the water and began splashing and yelling . They were " herding " the fish back into the net ; preventing them from swimming out and around the open end . More yelling , more men in the water and eventually . . . the net came into view . It was alive and moving buPosted by Well it is not urgent but I needed to get your attention . Kathleen Imherr , Tracy Graves , Deb Baker and all those who have commented and have not gotten a personal response please send me your email . I cannot email you from your comment and would love to . Thanks for all your interest and comments it is so fun for me to hear from all of you . poop ' n , dirty , filthy , stinking country . And it is fascinating . It 's kind of like road kill , or a train wreck . But friendly . Somewhat like the cat lady 's house but big , very big . It is busier than the cat lady 's house , less bloody than a train wreck , and stinky as road kill , but more interesting . It is . . . hard to describe . The first city Sherry and I made it to was Madari . As Sherry said it was a village that woke up one morning to find it was a bustling city but had no infrastructure . It was crazy there . Crazy . Cows were milked on the streets , tailors squatted on sidewalks working hand powered machines , chickens nested in corners and trash piled up everywhere . It was so noisy you could not hold a conversation while walking . The smell was offensive , the food was fantastic and the pollution stuck to your teeth . There were beggars and temples and beggars in temples . There were dogs running amuck and people so thick you couldn 't see the shops . The shops were spilling out onto the streets and the streets were spilling into the shops . There were no sidewalks . Buses only " stopped " to pick up older passengers . The young had to do the hobo grab to get on , or run to ease the jolt as they jumped off . Chaos was the rule rather than the exception . Muslum prayers woke you at five and the clock tower chimed rhymes all night long . Bad versions of nursurey rhymes . Horns honked , people in your hotel halls talked , roosters crowed , dogs barked , doors slammed and tuk tuk 's roared ; day and night . Cows walked down the middle of the street with cars passing them on both sides . Cows " went to market " pushing people out of their way as they moved down the aisle ways . It truly appeared that they were shopping . There were dumpster diving cows and trash pile cows . There were cows that would follow you into shops , and cows that would lie on the sidewalk and chew their cud . Who knew whose cows these were . How they got water or something other than trash to eat . They were , however , part of the population and society for that matter . And of course with cows come cow patties . Just another addition . Hey all , Cindy here , I just got another influx of pictures that I will post very soon . One batch from Thailand ( including some heart pumping climbing pictures ) and a batch from India . Tracy has an artistic eye for photography indeed . So stay tuned . I wanted to go to this bird sanctuary that was completely off the beaten path . I had to change buses in a town called Chegalput to get there . When I arrived in Chegalput I knew was the only white person who had been there in awhile . Kids ducked behind their mothers and cried , people stared at me , and a few , obviously alerted , came out of their shop to have a look . A young woman who could speak some English came up to me and asked all the normal questions : " Where are you from ? How old are you ? What is your name ? What is your job ? " Then she laughed and said that I was a source of entertainment for her and her friends because they did not get to see white people in town . As we talked , I noticed a young boy about ten years old standing behind her , listening and staring . I smiled at him , he looked away . The woman asked where I was going and told me that her bus was coming after mine and that she would be sure to get me on the right bus . Her friends gathered around during the wait , we shared snacks and a few laughs . ( I told her that her friend looked like my sister and they all assumed I had a black sister and thought that was very funny . ) As it would happen her bus came before mine and she handed me off to one of her friends . I moved over to where her friend 's shoe stand was and as I stood there waiting I noticed the boy had followed me . I smiled , he looked away . When my bus rattled into the station ( and I mean rattled ) the appointed woman directed me excitedly and waved goodbye . I got on the bus . So did the boy . He sat directly behind me . I smiled , he looked away . I offered him biscuits , he declined . I turned around and minded my own business . As I sat there waiting for the bus to fill , the fifteen people on the bus got into an argument , got up , and filed off . I sat there . The boy got up and said to me " not bus " . So I got off . I headed to the ticket office . I had to pee and I needed to find out where the toilet was . As I was trying to ask the ticket guy about the toilet I felt a tap on my shoulder . When I looked arPosted by There is a distinct absence of India posts . I can 't explain it either . I guess I am still trying to get my head wrapped around India . It is something so far out of my realm it is hard to reconcile in my western mind . It is something I rejected and accepted all at the same time . Was grossed out by and fascinated with . Drawn to and repelled by . Kind of like a train wreck . I 'll get to it though . Soon . I am staying at a hostel that is part of an organic farm . There are horses here as well . I am able to work three days in the garden in exchange for seven days of free accomodation . Went to the grocery today and bought food . My total expense for 8 days 7 nights will be 36 $ . My kind of place . Kruger here I come ! Remember the film " Born Free " ? The day I saw that film I wanted to be here and see lions . Sometimes it chokes me up to think it just might happen . Sorry about the delay on India . I 've got some stories for you soon . Working on them now . Dancing gay men , hair cuts , dressing packages and more . Don 't go away . poop ' n , dirty , filthy , stinking country . And it is fascinating . It 's kind of like road kill , or a train wreck . But friendly . Somewhat like the cat lady 's house but big , very big . It is busier than the cat lady 's house , less bloody than a train wreck , about as stinky as road kill , but more interesting . It is . . . hard to describe . The first city Sherry and I made it to was Madari . As Sherry said it was a village that woke up one morning to find it was a bustling city but had no infrastructure . It was crazy there . Crazy . Cows were milked on the streets , tailors squatted on sidewalks working hand powered machines , chickens nested in corners and trash piled up everywhere . It was so noisy you could not hold a conversation while walking . The smell was offensive , the food was fantastic and the pollution stuck to your teeth . There were beggars and temples and beggars in temples . There were dogs running amuck and people so thick you couldn 't see the shops . The shops were spilling out onto the streets and the streets were spilling into the shops . There were no sidewalks . Buses only " stopped " to pick up older passengers . The young had to do the hobo grab to get on or run to ease the jolt as they jumped off . Chaos was the rule rather than the exception . Muslum prayers woke you at five and the clock tower chimed rhymes all night long . Bad versions of nursurey rhymes . Horns honked , people in your hotel halls talked , roosters crowed , dogs barked , doors slammed and tuk tuk 's roared ; day and night . Cows walked down the middle of the street with cars passing them on both sides . Cows " went to market " pushing people out of their way as they moved down the aisle ways . It truly appeared that they were shopping . There were dumpster diving cows and trash pile cows . There were cows that would follow you into shops , and cows that would lie on the sidewalk and chew their cud . Who knew whose cows these were . How they got water or something other than trash to eat . They were , however , part of the population and society for that matter . And of course with cows come cow patties . Just another addition . I took a rock climbing class in Krabi . Krabi is supposedly in the top ten most beautiful climbing sites in the world . I was very excited to have one on one instruction . On the first day I climbed ten routes , most of them rated more difficult than I had ever done before . I was stoked . The climbing was great , I had done well , and my instructor was impressed . The second day I was supposed to learn to lead climb . ( Leading is when you take the rope up with you as you climb . As a result if you fall there is no rope above you to catch you . You have to fall down to where you last clipped into a bolt and THEN fall the length of rope you had out above that bolt . ) Because I had done so well on the rocks the first day I went to class a little over confident . I was smiling , had my chest out , and I was ready to take on any wall . I learned some basic lead techniques and was ready to go . My guide sent me up a route I had climbed the day before and that was relatively easy . There is something wholly different about being above your point of protection . Suddenly simple moves became death defying , I was scared out of my wits . I tried to settle myself down a couple of times . " It 's alright if you fall , the rope will stop you in 20 or 30 feet . " Or , " You won 't slam into the rocks too hard . " Self soothing was not working so eventually it came down to pride . I was NOT going to have some twenty something little Thai guy bring my ass down off the rocks . It was either go up or get rescued . I went up . Eventually I was able convince myself that leading did not necessarily equal death and was able to lead several more climbs , but none of them comfortably . I went home that night with my tail appropriately tucked between my legs . I wasn 't all that , and I had no chips . The third day of class I showed up but my confidence did not . I spent the morning learning how to set up a multi - pitch climb ; where I go up the wall first , rig a safe belay system then belay my partner from above while he climbs . ( Now not only did I have my own life in my hands IPosted by I rented a bike in Phang Nga , Thailand and set off to see a National Park and the Heaven and Hell Temple . The National Park was beautiful , full of waterfalls , caves , cliffs and other limestone formations . I went swimming with a bunch of Thai school girls who had coaxed me into the water . They like most Thai 's went swimming fully clothed . It was a good start to the day . When I finished seeing the park and had a spicy ass lunch I headed over to the Heaven and Hell Temple . It was hard to find but when I did it started out as a pretty cool thing . A huge dragon was the entry point ( in the pictures ) and you had to walk through it 's mouth and belly to get to the temple . Coming out of the dragon I was assaulted . The temple weirded me out . ( The pictures are on the blog now . ) In an area of about one acre there were fifty or so statues of people killing other people in every horrible way imaginable . People being smashed between huge rollers and coming out crinkled and bloody . Large screws being turned into people 's bellies , spears into various orifices , and people being eaten by dogs , wolves and other predators . All the people being killed had horrified looks on their faces , blood painted in the appropriate places , and occasionally entrails hanging out of their bodies . It was creepy to say the least . I left as quickly as I could . They asked for a donation . I refused . I went diving outside of Khoa Loc , Thailand , the town that received the brunt of the tsunami Dec . 26th , 2004 . The beach front is still scarred and naked . It is eerie to be in a place where over 200 , 000 people died . I asked on the dive boat if they had any idea what had gone on the day the tsunami hit . They " explained " that they didn 't know as they were out to sea but they had noticed , depending on the depth of the water they were in , a 20 - 60 foot rise and immediate fall in water level . Only when they returned to shore from their overnight trip did they see , and know the devastation on shore . The reef 40 miles off shore also suffered from the tsunami , but from it 's undertow . Over 40 % of the reef was devastated . Hard coral grows at a rate of one inch per year . The reef looks as if a mower went through at about an 8 inch height . This of course has effected marine life as they have not had shelter and they have begun to die off . Then of course add global warming , pollution and collection of marine species for home aquariums to the mix and you have a sad situation . Not the wonderland I thought it would be , but real life none the less . No really I am very excited about this trip and hearing from all of you . I have dreamt , scrimped and saved for fifteen years to do a trip like this . This year seemed very appropriate for various reasons , but now I know that anytime is a good time to follow your dreams . Go to www . tubcat . com for a sample of my entertainment . |
Every year , Banner Bold gets an overwhelming amount of submissions . Due to the limited amount of room we have in the magazine , we continue talented pieces online . Below is Masterpiece by Hannah Eubanks and Silverdust Lake by James Schulfer . The year was 1948 and I had just turned 16 years old in beginning of spring , just before the snow starts to melt and everything becomes warm , green , and full of life . Living in the high mountains , rain comes often and heavily , filling the river that runs into our small , shallow lake near our little farm house . Our quaint little home had only two rooms . One room , for my mother and one room for me and my five year old sister , Clementine . Our cozy little home may have not been much , but was just enough for the three of us . It sat on a hill facing the west so we would see the sunset every night before me and Clem would eat supper . When I would work late in the fields near my home , the house would turn a vibrant orange and the windows would glisten and reflect the sun 's magic . Even though I would be miles away I would still see it shining on top of our hill that stood over the town . Our family never had very much money , but every year father would make us something special . That year he didn 't , nor the year after that or the year after that . He always called our gifts the " masterpiece . " Even though it would only be rocking horse , book shelf , or something of that kind . Every year was different . The year I turned thirteen I was given a slingshot . " Arlo , you are now a man , son , and it 's time you are treated like one . " My father told me as he handed me my new slingshot . I was so excited to have finally earned my first , so called weapon , but little did I know that my father didn 't mean since I was a man I could handle a slingshot , he meant I was now ready for my first job . He handed me a sack of news papers and pointed to the door . " Alright now , go on and sell those papers . " Once again my father had tricked me , like the many other times he had . The year before last , he had built and painted a red wagon for me to pull Clemintine around in . I , of course sighed and looked at Clem as she sat in the wagon . Clem just stared at me with her big blue eyes and whimpered . Eventually , I gave in and hauled her around my fathers wheat fields . She was so happy that day , her smile and her laugh made me want to smile with her . Her innocence and purity was so contagious that anyone who would come in contact with her ; would end up smiling along with her . Everything was perfect , until the accident . Every year during fishing season in the fall , my father would take his boat and haul in as much fish as he could , just to make a little extra money on the side . One rainy day we heard a knock at the door , it was the constable saying my father was killed in a boating accident . His boat was tipped and he became trapped under it and soon drowned . Meanwhile , I was sitting at the dinning table listening as I heard my mother collapse to the ground and sob . In the fifteen years I was alive , I had never seen an adult cry . At least not anyone that I knew . Clementine heard the commotion and came down the stairs in a slow manner . " What 's going on ? Oh , hello constable ! Did my father stay out on the lake to late again ? He always told me how you took care of him like a brother . You should come over next time me and father go fishing I 'm sure he wouldn 't mind . " Everyone froze and just looked at the wooden floor . Soon my mother quickly got up and ran to the kitchen to wipe her tears away . The constable put his hat back on and looked at me . His eyes were bloodshot and a stain where a tear had fallen was left on his cheek . He tipped his hat and walked back into the rain until he disappeared into the thick mist . I shut the door and stared at my clueless sister . She smiled at me , the one thing I wasn 't able to handle at that moment . I looked away quickly , clenching my teeth , as I placed my hand over my eyes trying to keep the tears from running down my face . I soon was startled by a slight tug on my coat . Clementine stared up at me with worrisome and confused expression . " It 's okay Arlo . Whatever it is , I 'm sure everything will be fine . So , please don 't cry . That 's what I 'm suppose to do not my strong older brother , silly goose . " She chuckled . " but if you need to cry , that 's okay too . We all need to cry sometimes . " I kneeled down an pulled her into my chest . I held her , but I held her softly . Her body was so small and fragile that I didn 't want to crush her . I dug my face into her shoulder and listened to her heart beat . She was so warm yet small . How a tiny child could feel like a flame was something that picked at my curiosity . Ever since my fathers funeral I began to have a slight fear of deep waters . I refused to step on a boat , let alone swim if I was unable feel the ground with my hands over my head above the water . Little did I know I would soon be put to the test . Having no father was difficult on our once perfect life . Being the man in the family I had to steer the ship and take care of my mother and most of all my sister . For being so young she understood more that I ever would . She knew that father had passed and yet she accepted it , unlike me , who cried until I accepted the fact he was gone in my life . Clem was always there for me . When we would visit fathers grave , she never let go of my hand . When I left to hand out papers in the morning , she would sit on my handlebars waving to the kind folks of Oak Wood . She made me forget , forget the memories of father , of the handmade " masterpieces " he gave us for our birthdays . I would forget the hot days that I would work in the fields with him . Everything of my fathers life would be temporarily erased from my mind . Even though , he was fighting in the war for most of my life , he still would spend every moment he had with us , especially with Clementine . She got her happiness from him . " So you must be good at everything then ! Arlo , you really are amazing aren 't you ? " We laughed for a moment then , stood there quietly . I looked at her and she looked at me with her smiling eyes . I squat down and smile back . " Yeah , well , you always seem like you don 't care . " Tears begun to form under her eyes . One fell , then another and another . She tried to hold them back , but the streaks and stains seemed to be glued to her face . " You fight about stupid things ! You don 't know anything about anything ! You asked what I wanted and I answered ! What is so wrong with boats ? " " The boat isn 't the problem okay ! " No one spoke for a few short minutes . I soon felt her intense emotions decreasing making it easier to fit them within her tiny body . " Yeah , I 'm , I 'm scared of water . " Clementine looked up at me with pity . I tried to avoid her sweet , loving eyes . " Arlo , a boat is a boat . Water is water . They are things that can be scary , but you will never learn how to not be afraid if you don 't face your fears . " I quietly stared at her . I squatted once again . I cleared my mind and watched her look up at me , as if I were a god to her . Even when she was mad , she always had a little bit of love weaved into her anger . " Clementine , I love you so much . You are the smartest five year old I know . You are such a good girl , you deserve something amazing . For you , I will make you a boat . I am so lucky to have a little sister like you . " Her tears suddenly stopped and a smile lit up her face once more . She ran to me and hugged me . " And I 'm lucky to have an amazing big brother . " She kissed me on the cheek and hugged me once more . Soon , she skipped away with her tea stained white dress . Suddenly , she stopped and turn to me . . Everyday , I worked on that little rowboat for two . The trim was painted a light pink with waves carved into the wood itself . The base of the boat was the color of Clementine 's eyes . The blue - ish green color reminded me of the lake nearby and of the horrors that swam within its waters , but every stroke of paint and every piece of wood nailed together , became a piece of magic . Everything fit together perfectly . I enjoyed creating masterpieces . Yes , that 's what it was ; a masterpiece . I had realized why my father created them every year and why he called them what he called them . Finally , after two months of splinters , bruised fingers , and breathing in wood flakes , I had finished a week before Clem 's sixth birthday . She knew it was done . She noticed my smirk whenever she brought it up . She noticed that I stopped going into the workshop as often as I did . It was always hard to keep a secret from Clementine . When my mother had taken Clem birthday shopping , I hauled the tiny boat to the lake . As the murky water became more visible , I could feel a heavy presence . I stood at the water 's edge staring into the water that killed my father . The water that filled into his lungs and murdered him . My throat began to tense up when I thought of the awful event . Slowly , I pushed the boat into the water . It floated perfectly . I cautiously climbed into the death trap . It rocked , I froze . When I felt safe I sat down on the tiny bench I had attached . I sat in the boat for a long while as it rested in the shallow water . I watched the cattails sway and dance with the dragonflies nearby . The water sparkled and glared into my eyes . The sky was the bluest I had ever seen . The sun though , it felt cold , unwelcoming , harsh , even though it was bright and looked cheerful sitting there in the sky , it was certainly lying . Everything felt wrong , like there was a dome of uneasiness surrounding the lake . The cattails , the dragonflies , the sun , sky , and water were all testing me . Everything knew what had happened here . They knew the terror he felt as he watched the bubbles from his mouth disappear to the surface . They felt the sorrow of everyone who heard the awful story . They took in the negative energy and whisper it into the ears of those who come to the water 's edge . The water hid everything . The water 's surface was a disguise for the sick , twisted happenings that occurs below . I carefully climbed out of the boat . I pulled the gift onto the shore and stared at it for a moment . Even the gift I created with good intentions , begun to breath in the toxic fumes of the sorrow around me . " Luckily , father taught me a few things before he passed . " My heart ripped in that moment . Slowly , my smile faded . Clementine calmly walked over to me . We didn 't exchange any words , no glances , we just silently stood there . Clementine quickly grabbed my hand . She didn 't look at me , she didn 't say anything , she just studied the lake with a straight face . I nudged her . Startled , she looked up at my half smiling face . Seeing this , she smiled back . " I 'll do anything for you . It 's your birthday today . " Clementine had begun to jump with joy , grabbing my hand , dragging me to the thin , rickety dock . I listened as the wood creaked and groaned with anger . That heavy feeling still lingered around the lake . Clem jumped into the boat without hesitation . " I 'll be fine . " She sat on the bench I had rested on the morning before . I stood on the dock looking into the water . It seemed to be bottomless . " Clementine , stop ! " She still shook the boat with content . As I tried keeping my balance , I tripped over the side of the boat . Everything seemed to slow down . I watched clementines face fill with horror as I hit the water below us . I splashed and kicked trying to stay above water . I could feel my body slowly sinking . It seemed as if the water was dragging me down . It was cold , harsh , and felt thick like blood . I screamed , but to me it was silent . I could see the bubbles from my lungs , rise to the surface . I could hear Clem yelling to me . I could hear her crying . Suddenly , I felt mud and rocks beneath my feet . I pushed off the floor with relief . My body surfaced and I inhaled the magnificent air . I grabbed onto the dock just a few feet away . I hauled my cold , wet body onto the wood . I lied there for a moment looking at the sun lit sky . I could feel droplets of water drip off my face as a flow of relief enters my body . " You never mean anything ! You need to think ! When I say stop , I want you to stop ! What you did was very dangerous ! " I grabbed her wrist and drug her back to the house . My mother ran to me when she saw my soaked clothes and damp , darkened hair . " You have nothing to cry about , so stop crying Clem . " She continued to rub her red eyes . The rain outside fell just as the water had fallen off of me three days before . " I 'm scared . I 'm scared that you will fall in , just like I did . Except , I 'm afraid you won 't come back up . " I sat at the edge of my seat at the dining table . " But you can 't take the boat away ! Please Arlo , I 'll be carful I promise . " She pleaded as she tried to convince me . " I 'm selling it tomorrow and that 's final . I 'll use the money to buy you whatever you want . " I could tell that my bribe wasn 't working . She just cried even louder . It seemed these past few weeks Clem had cried more than ever before . It seem , her happiness was slipping away . " Dad this and dad that ! That 's all you talk about , that 's the only thing you compare me with ! Father was a fool , Clementine . He made stupid and risky decisions . There 's a reason why he 's dead ! " Clem began to hit me over and over on the chest . They didn 't hurt , but I could feel the emotions within each punch . " I hate you ! I hate you Arlo ! You don 't know anything about anything ! Daddy was a good man . He was smart and kind . He loved us , unlike you ! " I grab Clem 's arm . She froze . " Don 't you dare accuse me of not loving you and mom ! You are the only thing that is keeping me going ! I 'm trying to protect you , why don 't you understand that . " She looked at me with horror as I squeezed my hand around her frail arm . " Clem wait ! " I yelled as I quickly followed behind her . She ran into the wheat field nearby . I chased after her , but I lost her in the tall plants . " Clementine ! Please come out ! I 'm sorry okay . I didn 't mean what I said . That was stupid on my part . I 'm still selling that boat . It 's too dangerous . " I saw the wheat begin to move . The top of Clem 's head bobbed as she ran through the crop . I could hear her small feet splashing in the mud as she sprinted across the field . She was running towards the lake . " I won 't let you take it ! " Clem yelled . I quickly ran after her hoping to catch her before she got to the boat . I grew nearer and nearer to her back . I was almost able to reach out and grab her , but I slipped in the mud and fell . I laid still with pain and shock . The rain hit my face as blood streamed down my arms and legs . The rain stung and burned . I hated the rain . My father though , to him , rain was his favorite . He always said it washed away all of the bad in the world and made everything fresh and knew . A clean slate . It was like crying . Once you cry , your heart feels a little lighter , a little clearer . He said that 's what the earth was doing . It was refreshing , cleansing , crying away the pain . I finally had recovered from my shock and limped my way to the dock . Clem entered the boat a pushed off of the angered wood . " Clem ! Please come back to shore ! Lets talk about this ! " She tried to row the best she could away from the dock , but only escaped about forty feet away . The rain still beat down on my head and shoulders , trying to knock me down with their hits and kicks . " I promise ! " She reached for the nearest ore to row back , but it slipped into the water . It started to float away as Clem reached for it leaning over the side . The boat begun to tip . " Clementine ! It 's tipping over ! " I screamed in horror , but it was too late , she landed head first in the green , thick , water . I stood there , paralyzed with fear , hoping , praying , Clementine would be okay . I stared into the water once more . It was faint , but I swore I heard a chuckle come from the lake . I stood there , frozen from my darkest fears coming true right before my eyes . I stared at the empty boat , then the rippled water below me . Clementine 's head shot out of the water , her hands were hitting the water over and over , trying to be released from its grip . She screamed , but her words were drowning with her as her head would sink under and slowly come back up to the surface . " Arlo hel … " She gargled . I looked into the water one last time , trying to make my feet move . I was scared . I was scared of the water that had swallowed my father , but I was more scared of losing Clementine . She meant everything to me . I looked back at Clementine , to see she was under again and this time her head didn 't come back up . I could hear the advice Clementine gave me , when she wanted a boat , quietly whisper to me . " Arlo , a boat is a boat . Water is water . They are things that can be scary , but you will never learn how to not be afraid if you don 't face your fears . " Face your fears , face your fears . It echoed in my mind like a broken record . Soon , I closed my eyes , inhaled the heavy air , and jumped into the water . Quickly , I swam over to the boat and dove under . My heart began to break as I saw Clementine slowly sinking to the bottom , unconscious . Trying to catch Clem , I began to lose air as I tried to follow her down . I struggled to get to the surface , the adrenaline gave me a push to the top . I began to panic , but soon I could see the sun through the water and then my head surfaced as I inhaled a larger amount of air . I quickly dove back under , hoping this time I would save her , hoping it wasn 't to late . Finally , I felt the cloth from her dress . I grabbed her by the waist and hauled her to the surface . I gasped for air as I felt the awful surrounding caress my face . I swam , as fast as I could , trying to keep Clementine alive . Soon , I felt the mud and rocks hit my feet . I ran with Clem in my arms , still unconscious . The water continued to grip my legs as I trudged trough the water . As I reached the shore , I carefully laid Clem on the sand and soon after I collapsed in exhaustion . " Come Clem wake up . It 's time to go home . I 'll pull you in your wagon , just please , wake up . " I softly said as my lip began to quiver . I opened her mouth and put mine to hers . I exhaled into her lungs . Then I begun to pulse my hands on her chest . I repeated over and over , praying it would work . " Mom ! Please ! Come out here ! " I screamed again . I placed my head on Clem 's chest . I heard nothing . No heart beat . She was gone . I looked up and down her body , lying still , as if she were sleeping , trying to tell myself that it wasn 't true . I took Clem in my arms hugging her . I rocked back and forth holding her head agains my chest , comforting her cold , lifeless body . I pet her wet hair , whispering sweet words , that she could no longer hear . " I 'm so sorry Clem . I could have jumped in sooner . I could have saved you . I 'm so sorry . I love you so much , you were such a good girl . You were such a good girl , such a good girl . " I calmly said with a fake smile as tears rolled down my face . Then , my eyes broke . I screamed and cried as tears flowed from my dull eyes . " Arlo what 's going on ! " My mother yelled as she ran to me . I turned to her , tears stained on my face . She immediately stopped in her tracks as she saw Clem 's still , wet body . I looked up at her with regret in my eyes . " I couldn 't save her . Mom , I could save her . It 's my fault . She gone mom . She gone with father now . " I stood at the lakes edge , blankly staring out onto the water , thinking about what I saw at the church . My black dress pants and shirt heated my body as the sun 's harsh rays beat down on my head and shoulders . The heavy feeling around the lake still lingered and was even worse than before that day . Seeing my reflection in the water made me cringe at myself . I couldn 't bare to look at my mirrored image . It made me sick . It should have been me that drown not her , not the sweetest little girl that ever lived on this planet . The whole town attended the funeral . Hundreds of people flooded the little church down the road . People filled the seats , some were even standing . What was even more amazing , was the fact that every single person knew her . Multiple people created speeches that proved how innocent , pure , generous , and happy she was . Each person who when up to speak , made me cry another tear of pain . Finally , the pastor call for the last person to come up . I raised my hand . As I stood up , I could feel everyone 's eyes on me , it seemed that everyone was glaring at me . I slowly walked to the podium , empty handed . " I didn 't prepare a speech , because I never thought that I would be up here , I never thought that I would be up here talking about Clementine . I kept denying the fact that she was gone , but now that I 'm hear , it 's like reality has slapped me in the face . We are all gathered here for one reason and it 's all because of my stupid decisions . I may not be the oldest , the wisest , or the one who has had the most awful things happen to them , but I 've been to hell and back . Clem was everything to me , my everything . I loved her so much , maybe too much . Clementine was the kind of girl who 's happiness was contagious . Everywhere she went , every person she 'd come in contact with , would just fall in love with her . I mean why else would you all be here . Life is like water . One drop and the still clear water can turn into a sea of ripples . I … I was that drop . I was the key to her life , in that moment and I , I hesitated and it cost her , her life . She was so young and I wasn 't able to … " I couldn 't finish , I couldn 't take it anymore . My tears finally spewed out of my eyes as I began to play the whole event in my head . My mom ran up to the podium , grabbing my shoulders . She lead me back down to our seats as I sobbed in her arms . A tear fell from her eyes as well . I looked back and I stopped in my tracks as we neared the bench . " Wait . I want to say good - bye . " My mother looked at the tiny , pink coffin , pink was Clem 's favorite color and nodded . I wiped my tears from my cheeks and slowly stepped up to the sleeping body . Her eyes closed , hands intertwined , and even in death she still had a smile on her face . I brushed her face with my hand and kissed her cold forehead . I stood there for a moment , looking at her sweet face that no longer had color . Eventually , I was able to gather myself again and stumbled to my seat , trying to hold back my tears . I didn 't look at the crowd of people , but I could hear each one of them , sigh with empathy , sob with emotion , or quietly cry to themselves . But , there was one that stood out to me . It was a little girl 's cry that echoed in the church . I suddenly looked back , there were no children in the sea of people . I turned to look back at the coffin and I swore , I saw Clementine looking down at her body . Then , I blinked and she had disappeared from my life once more . [ Editor 's Note : This manuscript was found among the possessions of the late J . A . Wayne , after his untimely death in 1918 . Although we take his writings to simply be the product of a delirious mind , his only surviving family member , a nephew , insisted they be published . He thought they were of note to the world as an argument to combat mental illness , and we thought that they would be interesting to our readers . Enjoy ! ] I never enjoyed being around people much . I , as a journalist and occasional antiquarian and historian , spent much time writing to the masses who enjoyed my work , but I did not particularly enjoy face - to - face interactions . As an introvert , I think that it is best that I do not share what I have learned with the world . However , being a writer and a man who is concerned about society 's future , I feel that it is exceedingly important that I write down the events that have transpired in my life since the early autumn of 1917 . A bit of context is always helpful , especially when the head - spinning events I have gone through are involved . The Waynes were a historically wealthy family of some significance , concentrated in Connecticut . My father , Phillip Wayne , owned a steel company , while my mother , Ilsa Wayne née Sax , was the English - born daughter of a German coal mogul . My older brother was always a businessman of sorts , from his childhood selling of treats and candies to his young adulthood working closely with our father . My younger sister was very pretty , and so would have no problem living life as a dilettante and social butterfly . I was the odd child of the bunch . I did not desire the interaction and work that came along with running a steel company , nor did I want to become a lawyer or doctor as my father had always suggested . After completing my studies at Yale in 1913 , I quickly got a spot as a journalist for the Boston Globe . I spent several years writing for them , along with other papers and magazines on the side . Although I was successful , by 1917 , I had decided I wanted to leave New England . I wanted to leave the bustle and busyness behind . Being too sickly for the war , I took several months to gather my strength and say my goodbyes . In late August , I took a train to Portland , Oregon , to begin my search for a quiet village where I could concentrate on my writing while contributing to the local newspaper for a bit of extra money . While searching through the various papers and periodicals around Portland , I found mention of a quiet town of a few thousand in southern Washington known as Silverdust . It was being mentioned for its local leather tanning festival , which the paper regarded as a worthwhile event , despite the queerness of the town . My mind was made up . A quiet village that was perked up for a small part of the year for something as mundane as leather goods was ideal for me . I thought that there , I would finally be able to synthesize ideas I had in my head into my great novel . Ultimately , I was right , but the way it haI took the first train from Portland out to the railway station a few miles away from the town . From there , I hopped on a bus that made a circular route going back and forth from the railway town to Silverdust . Going to a tavern and inn , I learned the name of a small cabin on the outskirts of town that was for rent , and cheaply . " Yeah , it 's a nice little place , but it hasn 't been occupied for a fair while now , " the innkeep told me . " People who stay there are usually just passing through , so they don 't spend much time there . I can 't rightly recall anyone staying there for more than a few weeks or so . Mr . Richardson , the landlord , doesn 't seem to mind much . He 's well off enough on his own , in that big house in the center of town . " " It 's right on Silverdust Lake . Nice little place . If you ask me , that cabin has one of the best views in town . Mr . Richardson mostly keeps to himself , so he leaves the keys to the properties he rents out with me , where the travelers generally come in . Rent is $ 25 a month . " I agreed to take it . I had enough family money saved up to last me for a great stretch of time at that rate . Making a home on the lake would be sure to give me the peace and quiet I desired while also allowing me to focus on my writing . However , I did not wish to spend all my time sitting idly away from society . I took a trip out to the local news office , offering my journalistic services for a fairly low wage . I was quickly hired . I suppose that there was not a great deal of locals who wished to spend their time writing and bringing out the local news . Perhaps there simply was not a great deal of events to report in such a sleepy little town . Either way , I was happy that I had the job and a quiet place to call my own . After exploring the town for a few hours , towards the early evening I decided to retire to my cottage on Silverdust Lake . A local gave me directions out to the lake , and so I decided to make the hike on foot so as to take in as much of the surrounding area as I could . When I arrived at my new home , it was at the beginning of the dark hours of the day . The small cabin seemed very comfortable from the outside . It was nestled right on the lake , a small structure made of cedar logs . A chimney protruded from the roof , and shutters that led to a cellar lay by the door . A small dock ran out from near the cabin onto the lake , but it was dilapidated and lacked any dinghy or other gear . There was a small garden surrounded by twigs and other kindling - sized pieces of wood , but it looked as though the wildflowers and weeds had taken it over long ago . Near it lay a small stack of logs for the fireplace . Glancing at the lake , I saw the reflection of a nearly full moon on jet black water . On the side across from my cabin , the lake ended abruptly where the woods began . There was not a cloud in the sky , and even with the night as bright as it was , I could accurately gauge how deep the water was . I put the key into the cabin door , walked inside , and found a small , agreeable space . A large fireplace took up one side of the room , while a bathtub and icebox occupied the other . A bearskin rug covered part of the floor , and next to it was a small bed with a few heavy blankets . I lit a fire , quickly ate the cheese and crackers I had in my pack from the train , and retired , completely exhausted . The next morning , and even the next week or two , were rather uneventful . I enjoyed meeting the locals and covering their stories and others about the general goings - on . The town was quiet , the weather pleasantly cool as the seasons changed . My health even started to improve from the clean forest air . What I was most happy about was my newfound inspiration for my novel . Being in a quiet place on a dark lake that almost seemed to have no bottom fired up my imagination . I came up with an idea of a story where a man , distraught over the marriage of his lover to another suitor , begins to lose his mind . He decides to try and escape his problems by living an ascetic lifestyle as a sailor , riding from port to port and living all over the world . He finds that he cannot leave his own mind wherever he goes . However , he meets a woman in a Mediterranean port who has always desired to see more of the world . The man falls in love with her , convinces her father to let him leave with her , and they travel the world together . In the second week of September , the fall began in full spring . The weather was cold and windy , and although it was not inhospitable to my New Englander self , I will admit that it was often rather uncomfortable for me on the lake . It was usually very windy at night , as the air gushed over the water . As it turned out , the cabin 's caulking was not entirely secure , leading to a cold that even a roaring fire had trouble keeping out when the wind was high . One night , during a light rain and a mild gust , I decided that I did not want to work on my novel at all . I was tired and cold , and so it could wait . This was around the time when everything started to become very strange indeed . Again , I do not expect anyone to believe my words , but know that they are true . I can hardly believe them myself , but I have come to accept what happened to me in Silverdust . That night , I had very queer dreams . I dreamed that I was in a very dark room that was no larger than a tight broom closet . I could not see anything around me or any part of myself , but occasionally strange and shifting shadowy shapes floated around me , some quickly and some slowly . I could not force myself to move , or even to wake up . After a few minutes of this ghastly experience , the shadows morphed to become deeper . I heard the sound of rushing water , which quickly sounded faster flowing as the shadows began to move faster and faster . I began to feel a deep sense of panic and just when the feeling was at its peak , I heard a scream and awoke . I felt relieved that it was all just a dream , and all over . Glancing around the room , I did not see any source of the scream , and it certainly wasn 't mine . It seemed rather dark and muffled , like it wasn 't real at all , so I concluded that it was just a part of my feverish nightmare . Being a Sunday morning where I did not need to rush to begin reporting , I took my leisure to recover from my nightmare with a peaceful breakfast and mug of coffee . After an hour or so , I sat down to my manuscript to work . Sitting on my desk , it seemed thicker than I remembered it , but I was still in somewhat of a daze . Flipping through it , I found that my assumption was very wrong . What I had already written was already there , but there were several more pages that I had not yet drafted . Why was it in my handwriting , then ? What was written was rather horrifying , and completely defied anything I had imagined for my characters . I had left off where my protagonist was slinking around his hometown , incredibly sad about the fate of his love . However , instead of heading off to skip town on a ship , as I had intended , he began to descend into madness . It depicted how he pushed over a street vendor , slammed his hand into a brick wall , injuring it , before going to a well and drowning himself . The story ended there , when I had intended it to last for hundreds of page more . What had happened ? I was very shaken . I did not have an explanation , and I could not think of anyone who could offer me one . Everything in the cabin seemed to be in order , so with no way to investigate , I decided to head into town to report as usual . It would get my mind off of what had happened . " No , I haven 't spent a lot of time hunting recently . Early September , it sometimes gets cold and windy in an eerie way . I don 't like being in the woods or around the rivers at this time of year . It gets better when the first frosts come , but the beginning of September is always strange . " Generally , words like these were just taken as opinion pieces that might interest the townsfolk or whoever else might stop by . However , the man 's words shook me to the core . Perhaps I was not just having a feverish nightmare , but there was indeed evil afoot . But no , that could not be . I was of a rational mind . Sometimes the beginning of cold weather just brings about interesting feelings in humans . The long shadows make the people and horses act in strange ways . Eventually , despite my dread , it came time to go home and fall asleep . I gingerly ate my supper , and made sure to build the fire high . Glancing at the window , I saw nothing out of the ordinary . Although it was usual , the deep blackness of Silverdust Lake frightened me . I finally reached a state of sleep after several hours . Most of it just seemed to consist of the dreary dark of a normal night 's rest . However , after a time , I found myself slowly floating through the darkness , until I was once again in my shadowy prison . I panicked , for this seemed incredibly lucid and almost real . The shadows rushed around my head , starting at a fast pace . They almost looked humanoid in some respects , but their geometry was sick and impossible - looking , like nothing else on Earth . A ghostly moan started , very quiet and low , although constant . After what seemed like an eternity , it reached a feverish pitch , sounding like a very low spectral man 's voice . It spoke only gibberish in an alien - sounding language , until a repeated chant was finally audible . Drenched in a cold sweat , my first thought was to look at my book . It was just as I feared . Dozens of more pages were written in . At first , the story of my protagonist , in my own handwriting , continued . As he drowned in the well , he began to fall and fall until there was no light around him . This terrified me , for it was very similar to my past two dreams . He began to swirl and swirl in the darkness , until he was engulfed by a gale of black . He rose out of the water in a state of death beyond death , and sucked all of the town and its people into his sickening tornado . As I continued to read on , the words began to slowly make less and less sense , until finally there was nothing but mad scribblings and mad drawings . In the last few pages , the black ink turned into huge splotches of blood . I looked over my arms and hands . I had no cuts , and around the cabin , there was no sign of any struggle . I desperately wanted to leave the village . There was no point in staying there any longer , for the peace I so desired to have to accomplish my novel was long gone . However , I was not prepared to leave . I would need to gather a few supplies and wait for the next train , which wouldn 't be until the next morning . I would need to spend another night . I felt that I needed to talk to someone about what was going on . Obviously , no one would believe what I had to say . However , the innkeep helped me get settled in the town , and perhaps he could shed a bit of light on my way out . " Just out of curiosity , " I started , " I have a question for you . You have a lot of people pass through here , locals and travelers both . Have you ever heard any legends about Silverdust Lake ? " " Well , John , as you know , there have been a lot of visitors stay in that cabin , and usually not for long . You can guess that yeah , there have been a lot of strange stories crop up . I don 't really buy into them , as I ain 't never heard or seen nothing out there , but there 's been a lot of ghosts stories . None of them are too different at all from the hogwash of boogieman tales that get repeated and recycled in these parts . I suppose that the one interesting aspect is that most of them contain some sort of reference to strange shadows . If you ask me , it 's just people getting the willies out there . The trees and the lake on a dark night can make a man see a lot of strange things . " Finally , it came time for me to come home for my final night on Silverdust Lake . I packed all of my most important belongings so I could leave as quickly as possible in the morning . I considered bringing my strangely affected manuscript , for the sake of study . Perhaps a curator at a museum in wherever I headed next could shed some light on what kind of trickster or happening had caused these events . I reached for it , but my hand shuddered and stopped just a few inches away . Now , I do not think this was due to anything of my own doing . However , at that time I tried to comfort the rational parts of my mind by assuring myself that I simply did not want to deal with it that night . I found myself immediately in the cage of darkness . The wind was howling , and a choir of ghostly , alien moans sang in their own disgusting way . Everything built up to a great level of intensity . My senses were quickly completely overloaded . It was then , however , that the slashing began . A burning streak of something darker than anything I had ever seen before slashed at my chest . I could not clearly see my body , but I could see the deep , bloody gash and feel the horrible pain . The lashing continued , and continued . As the voices continued , a deep one made its way out front . In a flash , I woke up . I took a deep breath in my cold sweat , deeply relieved that it was morning and it was all over . But it was not morning . It was still night , and a wind was howling like the cabin was in the center of a tornado . The shutters were shaking furiously and groaning on the point of breaking . The whole structure rumbled and heaved . The fire was out , and so were all the candles . It was almost as dark as the cage of my dream . However , I could just barely make out huge gashes in the wood of the cabin that were completely analogous to those on my body during my nightmare . They appeared wet . Jumping out of bed , I threw on a coat , but in my haste , I stumbled into one of the gashes . Blood . Red , sticky blood , but as cold as a Vermont winter . I was terrified . I had to leave now . Grabbing my pack and throwing on my shoes , I ran to the door . As I pushed it forward , it flew off the hinges and was hurled away into the swirling wind . I tried to fight it , but the gale in the horrible storm of darkness pulled me to look at the lake . My whole soul fell into the pit of my stomach . There was the dark tornado that was written into my novel . Out of the swirling tendrils of doomful darkness , a shadowy man stepped forward . He seemed to be made of the same wind that that the tornado was . He walked towards me . I could not make out many of his features , and I do not think even the best writer or painter could do justice to how he really appeared . However , his shape was shifting and ethereal , and what I could make of his expression was horribly disfigured and constantly changing . He slowly walked out to me , making no sound . Even if he had made any , I could not have heard it over the shrieking and soul - eating wind . He looked right into my eyes , from just a foot away . His disgusting , shifting stare is something I will never forget . An eternity passed while he gazed into my eyes . As quickly as the touch had started , it ended . Before my brain could process what was around me , it was light . A clear Oregon morning with the birds singing and the sun bright . I did not know what to do with myself , so , disregarding the book and anything else around me , I sprinted to town , and continued past the bus station . I wanted nothing to do with Silverdust . I just had to get to the train station in the next town , and immediacy . The rest of that day was a blur . To be perfectly frank , these next few months have been a blur . I have returned to Connecticut , and I now reside once again in the home of my parents . I have been in and out of the hospital , and I am working with a therapist who thinks he can help me with my delusional schizophrenia . However , I am sure that this illness is not what has afflicted me . Everything was too real for it all to be a nightmare . Even the dreams that have continued to plague my sleep seem real . They are not nearly as intense as the three in the cabin , but the shifting shadows and strange whispers continue to haunt my rest . I have no doubt that these things , these beings , these entities are coming for me . I know too much , and I have seen what cannot be seen . But I cannot forget . |
The door to the study banged open and Jack ran in , laughing . Caleb took a deep breath and exhaled , letting go of the memories and snapping back to the present . He smiled as the boy rushed towards him . " Caleb , you 're home ! Where 've you been ? " Jack was fourteen now and rambunctious . He was loud and rowdy and spoke too fast and Caleb loved him . Jack sat on the sofa and leaned over to hug him . " Eat breakfast first , " Caleb said absently as he made his way towards the staircase . Calli was sick , she never got sick . He had a feeling this had more to do with the last time he saw her than with any real illness . She 'd cornered him in the study , demanding to know what was going on with him and Rae . He 'd been ready to brush it off as idle gossip , but it was Calli and she seemed genuinely upset . He 'd explained about the boy , about how important it was that he come live with them - him and his mother . She 'd accused him of becoming distant , of drinking too much . That he 'd brush off . He was a little more stressed lately , but he didn 't have a drinking problem . She 'd told him he couldn 't have it both ways , either he chose Rae and her son or her and Jack . He 'd been so angry , so confused , that he 'd told her he 'd choose saving a life before anything else . Calli just didn 't understand how important this was to him . For all his faults , Dillon had helped him in the beginning . When he tried to tell her that , she 'd walked away from him . Reaching the second floor landing he turned towards her bedroom . She 'd moved to that side of the house a couple of years ago , saying she wanted to be closer to the music room for when inspiration hit . She was full of all kinds of bull these days . But he couldn 't blame her for wanting to put distance between them . He knocked then let himself in , only to pause at the threshold when he saw Kaylynn asleep on her bed . She was so beautiful , a hand under her cheek as she lay on her side . He wanted to wake her up and tell her he would choose her and Jack each and every time . But he had a responsibility to his nephew . Walking closer , he noticed the tissue papers strewn across the covers and on the side table . He sat down on the far edge and waited . She 'd become a very light sleeper and would wake up at the slightest disturbance to her environment . He used to find her in the living room , curled up on the sofa in the middle of the night . Bad dreams , she would say when he asked her what was wrong . Now she slept through the night in her own bed , but those early years , they 'd had a lot of sleepless nights . He 'd invested in a day bed so they could at least be comfortable . " Jack said you were sick ? " He hated this , the silent treatment . If she was just going to ignore him , why 'd she come back ? Kaylynn hated this . She hated having to pretend she was okay and that she didn 't care what he did or who he did it with . And she hated the woman he 'd fallen in love with . But she 'd known that was coming . After fourteen years of sacrificing his happiness for her and Jack , it was selfish of her to want more from him . But she did and that was the crux of the problem . Demanding that he choose between them was wrong and it was physically making her sick . But what else could she do ? He 'd become a different person in the last four years . He was drinking more ; he would leave on trips for weeks at a time and not bother to tell her when he 'd be back . He was edgier , meaner ; he was becoming Dillon . When she found out the reason , she 'd been heartbroken . Sure , she knew there had been other women and back then , she hadn 't cared . Dating Caleb , being with anyone at all , wasn 't something she was interested in at the time . He didn 't love her the way she loved him , she 'd accepted that - or thought she had . Now it was time for damage control . " Did you need something , " she asked , hoping he 'd say no and leave and dreading it at the same time . Fourteen years dancing the same dance and pretending not to care too much ; not to love him ; not to be hurt that he didn 't love her back . So she 'd told him to choose because she couldn 't live the way they were anymore but she didn 't want to be the one to decide to end their time together . It was the coward 's way out , yes , but she 'd never claimed to be brave . She felt the bed shift as he got up and she closed her eyes , waiting to hear the door snick shut behind him . Instead she heard boots come around the bed and felt gentle fingers stroke the hair from her face . She opened her eyes to see Caleb crouched by the bed , a frown on his face . " Are you okay ? And I want a real answer this time . " His voice had gone down an octave , like it usually did when he was concerned about her or upset about something . She used to be so good at reading him , but now he felt like a stranger . She nodded , dislodging his hand in her hair . " I told you , I 'm just tired . This last tour took a lot out of me . " She wasn 't precisely lying . The tour had taken a lot more energy , but she 'd loved every minute of it . It was coming home to an empty house that had her feeling weary . He was never home anymore . And it was because of her - Rae London . She was living just a few miles away now and Kaylynn felt sick just thinking about it . She shook her head to remove that thought from her brain . She 'd done nothing but think about that woman and her child for the last year . She needed to stop . She 's spent all last night crying and thinking of reasons why her decision was for the best . And not being here for when that woman moved in with Caleb was number one on the list . " Maybe you should consider taking a break from all the touring . " When she frowned , he held up his hands . " I 'm not saying you have to , I 'm just saying maybe it could be an option . I rarely see you these days . " He smiled a little . " I 've missed you . " Kaylynn sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed , getting up and forcing Caleb to stand and back up . " I 'm feeling better already though , so I 'm going to shower and maybe take Jack to the park or the pool . The weather is finally nice enough . " " I already told him I 'd take him to the park . " Caleb watched as she grabbed a t - shirt and jeans from a drawer . She was lying to him and it was pissing him off . He rubbed his hand over his face and sighed . " Calli … " " Don 't , please . Not today , Jack and I just got back and I want just one day of normalcy . One day where we can go to the park and be a family and pretend we 're happy . Okay ? " Her eyes flashed and she turned toward him . " Are you saying you 're choosing me and Jack ? That this Rae person won 't be living here , after all ? Because we haven 't been a family for a while now . " " No , you 're right . Today isn 't the day for this . " He turned to walk towards the door . He was not ready to have this conversation . Not ready to see the pain and hurt on her face again . It had never occurred to him that she would be opposed to having Rae and Andrei in their home . But now the decision was made and he felt guilty for not giving her a say , a little bit of control in the matter . He stopped and turned back toward her slowly . " You 've got to be kidding me . When have I ever run away ? From a problem and especially from you ? All I keep doing is fixing things ! I 've spent the last fourteen years of my life doing all I could for you and Jack ; for Sean and Marjorie and Amber . What more do you want from me , Kaylynn ! " A tear slid down her cheek and he felt like the biggest ass on the planet . She was crying , he 'd come up here to make sure she was okay , and he 'd made her cry instead . Why were women so difficult ? Brushing the tear away , she said , " You 're right . I don 't know what I was thinking . You 've sacrificed enough for me and my son . And I 'm grateful , really I am , but I think it 's time I stood on my own two feet . " " No . It 's the truth . You 've done so much for me and I forgot for a while that this was never your plan for your life . Jack and I shouldn 't be your responsibility . I 've been thinking about this for a while actually and meant to tell you last night when we got in … " Caleb could see her mouth moving , but he 'd stopped hearing the words . He knew what was coming , known for weeks now , really . Ever since she told him to choose . Her and her son or me and mine . Now that the time was finally here , it felt like a crushing weight , threatening to push him down to his knees . She was leaving him . She was going to take his son and walk away . It suddenly became more difficult to drag in a breath . Was this what his father felt when Dillon took him away ? Did Dillon go through this when Tom moved with his family ? He sat on the edge of Kaylynn 's bed and rested his elbows on his thighs . He couldn 't lose his family , but he couldn 't force Calli to stay . She was right , she and Jack deserved better than what he had to offer right now . He was distracted with this Andrei thing , but dammit he only needed a few more weeks ! Then the boy would be here , with or without his mother and life would settle down again . Why couldn 't she just wait a few more weeks ? A week . Kaylynn must have been planning this for a while because it only took her a week to get all her stuff together and leave . With Jack . The house felt so damn empty without them . Caleb sat in his study , swirling a glass of whiskey . He should go after them , find some way to make her see reason and come back home , instead of sitting here , drinking . Rebecca glided over to the couch he was on and sat down next to him . " It 's hard losing your family . I know you 're hurting , but Kaylynn just doesn 't understand . Andrei needs you . You 're the only one who knows what it 's like to go through the Change . You have the most experience out of everyone . Imagine what it would have been like for Jack and Amber if you hadn 't been there . Now imagine that for little Andrei , he 's not even a year old yet ! " Caleb nodded . Rebecca was right ; he had to do this for Andrei . Even if Rae decided to stay with her husband and other two children , Andrei should come to him . He nodded again , " Yes . I am doing the right thing . But Calli , how can I do it without her ? " " You have me , you don 't need anyone else . I 'll never leave you , wasn 't I there for you after you killed Dillon ? I helped you with Sean and Marjorie and little Amber . I 'm the one who told you about Rae . Have a little faith Caleb . " She sounded angry but when he looked at her , she seemed serene , calm . Rebecca had shown up at the house only hours after Dillon died . At first he hadn 't understood , but she explained their familial link and he 'd been grateful that there was someone who knew about werewolves giving birth . She 'd been invaluable help and when she 'd told him about Andrei , asking for his help and explaining what it would take to get Rae to agree , he 'd felt he had to help her . It was the right thing to do ; the only solution there was to the problem . He finished the drink in his hand and put the glass down . She was right . He would raise Andrei , like Dillon raised him , only he 'd be better . He would get Calli back too because no matter what Rebecca said , he couldn 't - wouldn 't do this without her . He 'd meant it when he told Rae that a child needed a mother . He 'd made a promise that he would always be there for Calli and he always kept his promises . He loved her too much to do anything else . " There , that 's the last of it . " Kaylynn placed the box on Jack 's floor and smiled at him . He was sitting on his bed , looking forlorn . She hated what this move was doing to him . She went to sit by him on his bed and he laid his head on her lap . Soon his little shoulders started to shake and she realized he was crying . She remembered the last time he cried like this . He 'd come home from school and it had taken her twenty minutes before she could get anything coherent out of him . Someone at his school had told him Caleb wasn 't his real daddy and that he should stop calling him that . She 'd had to tell him the truth then and he had stopped calling Caleb dad but their relationship hadn 't changed . She 'd explained that just because Caleb wasn 't his birth father didn 't mean he wasn 't his dad . He 'd been there from day one , had seen him being born , had soothed and played with him ; he 'd taught Jack how to walk and play football . Caleb was more of a dad than some little boys ever got . He 'd wanted to know who his real father was and she was glad she could tell him that Dillon was dead . Watching him cry now she knew that she was the reason for his grief ; that it could have been avoided if she 'd been stronger , but she couldn 't keep up the lie anymore . She wanted more than Caleb was ready to give , more than he might ever be ready to give and she deserved to give herself a chance at being happy . Didn 't she ? " Caleb does seem to have that effect on people . I 'll probably do my own bit of crying later on . " She laughed a little , but she knew it was true . So did her mother by the look of sympathy in her eyes . " I 'll be honest ; he wasn 't my most favorite person for you to be around . He was too edgy , too reckless with himself . But when it came to you , he was fiercely protective , still is and I can 't fault him for that , now can I ? " Kaylynn shrugged . Protective was fine , but she wanted more . " Growing up , I thought he hung the moon . And that edginess , that 's what was so attractive . But he saw me as a little sister . I thought with us living as a parental unit , with Jack around , it might become more , deeper . We have this connection mom , it 's intense sometimes but can also be soothing , comforting . But he fights it . I 'm getting tired of fighting back . " Kaylynn raised an eyebrow . " Talk , about feelings ? Caleb Romajin ? Please , you can 't fix feelings so he doesn 't have time for them . As for the other , he hasn 't so much as kissed me . Unless you count brushing his lips against my cheek or my forehead - he does that all the time . " " Honey , maybe that 's all he thinks you 'll allow . If you 've never told him how you feel … " Patricia left it at that and took a sip of her tea . Kaylynn looked at her mother . She was right ; with everything that 's happened maybe he just didn 't know she was open to the possibilities of them having a future together . But Caleb hadn 't been waiting on her ; he 'd dated other women in the last fourteen years . He 'd never ever brought anyone home , but there had been women . She wasn 't naïve or stupid . Caleb was an attractive man and Bethany Moore seemed to take inordinate pleasure in making sure Kaylynn knew all the gossip . That 's how she 'd found out about Rae . As if reading her mind her mother said , " Just because he 's dated a few women doesn 't mean he 's not interested in you . Fourteen years ago , he was very interested , enough to uproot his entire life for you . That 's got to count for something . " " Now you sound like him . Yes , he made sacrifices for me . I get it , I owe him . But there 's someone else now . I think he might even love her . " She felt the tears she 'd been trying so hard to keep at bay start to slide down her cheeks . " He 's making plans to have her and her son move in with him . " " First off , he didn 't make sacrifices for you . He made a decision to be there for you and to raise your son as his own . He is not suffering because of that decision ; in fact he got a pretty sweet deal , in my opinion . Second , this woman he wants to move in , have you spoken to him about his reasoning ? Caleb doesn 't strike me as the kind of person who would turn someone away if they needed help . Sean and Marj are a perfect example . Look at all he 's done for them and their daughter . Amber walks around calling him Uncle . Are you sure that 's not what 's going on here ? " Well then , indeed . Kaylynn paid the cab driver and took the carry - on while Jack ran up to the front door . Her little talk with her mother had convinced her to plan a visit a week later so Jack could see Caleb . The boy had been inconsolable and she 'd eventually caved . She took out her keys and opened the front door . Setting down the suitcase she felt goosebumps prickle the back of her neck . She really hated this house but Marjorie had been too pregnant to deal with a move and by the time the baby had come it had just seemed too selfish to ask them to uproot themselves just for her . But , God how she hated this house ! " Caleb ? " She called out . She walked into his study and found him , nursing a glass and staring at the flames in the fireplace . The room was overheated and she wondered how he could stand it . Before she could grab his attention , Jack ran in and rushed over to hug him . Startled , the glass in Caleb 's hand slipped and the brown liquid fell all over his shirt . All anger drained from Caleb 's face and he blinked before looking down at the empty glass on the rug . He rubbed at his eyes and said , " It 's okay kiddo . Just be a bit more careful . " His voice sound hoarse , as if it hadn 't been used in a while and he looked slightly unkempt . How long had he been sitting there , drinking ? He looked up and saw her then . " Calli ? I thought you left ? " " We came back for a visit . Jack missed you . " Jack nodded , bouncing off the couch and talking a mile a minute . But Caleb was still staring at her . When the boy saw he was being ignored , he huffed and giving Caleb another quick hug ran out of the room . She stiffened . " I told you we 'd be back before I left for my East Coast tour . I don 't know when you 'll see Jack again since he 's staying with Mom and Dad this time and I wanted to give him a chance to visit before then . Is this a bad time ? " " Don 't do that . Don 't say things like . He 's my son ; it 's never a bad time . I just wasn 't expecting you to be here , that 's all . " He finally looked away , picking up the fallen glass and placing it on a side table . " You look horrible . " She ignored his comment , knowing she was being unreasonable , but he didn 't seem happy to see her . He just looked tired . " You look great . " He laughed a little and as if he just noticed his wet shirt , pulled it off . " I guess I need to shower anyway . What time is it ? " " Hmmm ? " Caleb was a very attractive man and Kaylynn had no business staring at him like this ! When he stumbled a bit , she frowned . " When did you start drinking today ? " She was horrified . " Caleb , you can 't do this . You need to stop the drinking or I can 't have Jack near you , you know how I feel about alcohol . " " I 'm sorry , Calli . No more drinking , I swear it . I just - since you left , it 's like … " He didn 't finish the sentence , instead he started to rub his chest as if in pain . She sighed ; there was no point in talking to him now , not when he was like this . " Come on , let 's get you to bed . " He reached for her and slung his arm around her shoulders . She poked him in the ribs . They made it upstairs fairly painlessly , although she did accidentally bang his arm against a doorjamb . This was so not the way she saw this visit going . She 'd finally decided to come tell Caleb how she felt and here she was , taking care of him because he was too drunk to find his own bed . At least she was getting the chance to do something for him for once . When she let him go next to his bed , he tottered for a moment before she gently pushed him down . At the last minute he grabbed her and brought her down with him . When she tried to disentangle herself , he wrapped his arm around her waist and said , " No , stay with me . Just this once stay and keep me company because you want to and not because something scared you . " Caleb 's eyes opened up to see his bedroom ceiling . He had a slight headache and his mouth was dry , but he felt good . Better than he had in days . Shifting to stretch , he realized he wasn 't alone in his bed . He lay very still and tried to remember what he 'd done the night before . How long had he been asleep ? He did a quick check of his body . He wasn 't wearing a shirt but he had his jeans on , socks but no shoes . Okay , that was good news . Turning his head very slowly , he caught sight of black hair with purple highlights . He closed his eyes and tried furiously to remember how Calli had gotten into his bed . Nothing . He glanced over at Kaylynn and saw she too was fully clothed , including a light purple top . Her cheek was resting on his shoulder and her hair covered most of her face . He reached over and moved the hair out of the way . It took her a few minutes , but she soon opened her eyes . She was a very light sleeper . " Hey . How are you feeling ? " She smiled up at him and that helped relieve a bit of his stress , even if he was still a little worried . She never came to him when she had bad dreams . Usually , he would find her in the living room , and even that had stopped after a few years . So her in his bed , seemingly of her own free will , was mind boggling . She was teasing him . Whatever had happened between when she left and this evening , she wasn 't angry anymore . He smiled back at her , " Yeah , all these years I 've been pining away for your attention . " She snorted . " You could have requested some TLC at any time . I don 't bite , Caleb . " She flashed her pretty little teeth at him . " Ah , but I do , sweetheart . " She laughed and his heart melted . Maybe he would ask her to nap with him more often . This carefree , relaxed woman was the Calli he 'd known years ago . He 'd seen snippets of her here and there - when she spoke to Sean and Marj or played with Amber or talked to Jack . But he 'd rarely seen it when it was just the two of them . He 'd missed this woman , longed for this woman . " I 'm going to shower and then put on some steaks , all this talk about biting is making me hungry . Jack is with you ? " He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed , letting the sudden dizziness subside before standing . Silence . He turned to look at her and caught her staring at him . He felt his spine straighten and he narrowed his eyes . Emotions flickered rapidly in her eyes before she met his gaze and blushed a little . His Calli was blushing at being caught staring at his body . Would wonders never cease ? His fingers twitched , immediately wanting to grab onto her and hold her . She looked so vulnerable , sitting on the edge of his bed - she was in his bed ! - hair tousled from sleep , a slight blush still on her cheeks . She looked … he wouldn 't even finish that thought . This was Calli ! " Of course . " " Do you love her ? " She spoke so softly he had to strain to catch the words . When he did , he frowned . He knew exactly whom she was referring to and that was the last thing he wanted to discuss . Not with her sitting on his bed . Dammit ! " Do you love her ? " She repeated , taking a deep breath before looking him straight in the eyes . " If you do , then I 'll go back to Brideport and we 'll work on being friends . We 'll discuss visitation for Jack . Just tell me you love her . " " Why is this so important to you ? " He didn 't understand what was happening right now . In the time that he 'd known her , Calli had been on one date and that was before Dillon hurt her . She 'd never even hinted that she wanted more from him . He knew she 'd had a crush on him when she was younger and for a while , he 'd been ready to pursue that - once she was older , once she had enough experience and he could be sure it wouldn 't ruin their friendship . A part of him had known that time might never come , either her infatuation would fade or she 'd get tired of waiting and find someone else . But then Dillon happened . " Because I think you 're using her as an excuse . You 're afraid of admitting you have feelings for me . That we can potentially be more than two people raising a child together . " He didn 't know where this was coming from , but she was dangerously close to the truth . He was using Rae , but Rebecca wanted her in Andrei 's life and so did he . For once , he wanted the outcast to win . He wanted Rae to choose Andrei , like his mother never chose him . He wanted that little boy 's story to be different from his . No , he didn 't love Rae , but if loving her was what was needed to save that kid 's life , he 'd do it . Why couldn 't Calli understand that ? He was prepared to try to explain that to her , instead he heard himself say , " No . I don 't love her . " She smiled a little at him , her eyes telling him more than he was ready to hear . He desperately wanted to tell her to stop pushing , to stop asking for more than he could give . She took a deep breath and he knew whatever she was about to say would change their relationship forever . She would change him forever . " I 've done the rage , the depression , the therapy . It 's been fourteen years , I 'm in a rock band , have thousands of fans , and I have a son whom I love more than life itself . He grew up knowing that and he 's happy . I 've accepted that what happened to me was not my fault . Am I a bit more wary of men ? Yes . Perhaps a little more standoffish than I should be ? Yes . But these are things that I own ; they are my flaws , not yours . So stop beating yourself up for something you didn 't do . I 'm ready to move on and leave the past in the past . I want us to have a future Caleb , together where we 're a real family . Do you ? " He closed his eyes and let those words wash over him . She wanted a future with him , she wanted a real family . He felt the bed shift and then her hand was on his cheek and he opened his eyes and looked down at her smiling face . She was now close enough for him to feel the heat coming off her body . She was always so warm , so soft . He 'd forgotten how comforting her presence was , how safe and loved he felt around her - how warm she made him . He 'd loved her since he was six and she 'd offered unknowing comfort to an angry boy . He didn 't know when that love had changed in tenor or in intensity , but it had . In the last decade of them playing house his feelings for her had changed to something deeper . Her words came back to him then : her and her son or me and mine . " You , " he said hoarsely , turning his face so he could kiss her palm . " I choose you and Jackson . " He pulled her in closer to him , wrapping his arms around her waist and just holding her , letting her warmth reach into the parts of him he 'd thought had frozen over . " I 'm so sorry it 's taken me so long - I just , I want to do the right thing , Calli . That boy needs my help , but I 'll find another way because I can 't lose you . I love you . " She pulled away just enough to look up at him . " I love you too , Caleb . We 'll figure something out . We 've always worked best together . " She reached up and kissed him . It was so soft he barely felt it , just a slight brush of her lips against his . Her kiss was light and tender and full of promises of love and support . It was their first kiss and it was perfect . 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It was fun to sleep in . Not five minutes , of even ten , but hours , mainly because the night before it had been fun to stay up . I could smell food , though , and my stomach said I should investigate . It was the middle of the afternoon , and my brother had cooked breakfast . Five years my senior and he had decided to be responsible by frying some eggs , for himself . I pouted at him , honestly pouted . Why hadn 't he cooked me any eggs . He just grinned and pointed to the kitchen . I huffed and returned to the living room a few minutes later with the last of the cookies and cream ice cream . I didn 't try and steal the remote from my sister , two years my senior , who was engrossed in another of her teen soaps . Girl loves boy , boy messes up , oh look random new character for girl to obsess over . Not my thing , I like cartoons . Yea so sue me . We didn 't really do the talking thing . Brother napped on the sofa , taking up the entire thing , Sis was making goo - goo eyes at the latest heartthrob from mom 's seat and I was in dad 's chair one leg over the arm and wishing I 'd thought to bring a soda through . At some point sis had made us put our dishes in the sink , although none of us would put them in the dishwasher . Mom and Dad were out of town . It was thrilling . We were old enough to be considered responsible , we weren 't , not really , but we also weren 't likely to burn down the house and were clever enough to call 911 , or one of the many ' adult ' friends and family that were conveniently listed next to the phone should anything happen . Anything at all , Mom had stressed . So we didn 't do the dishes , we knew the drill , make as much mess as you want but the afternoon , or more probable as soon as they call from the airport , we will freak out and clean . As a team even . We might not do a lot together but making sure Mom doesn 't freak out and start cleaning , although we know she will no matter how clean it is , the moment she arrives home . Then when she does , Dad will roll his eyes with us and very obviously ignore any signs of insanity that may have happened while they were away . We spent that day like we spent most of the two weeks , watching TV , bickering lazily , hanging about , generally making a nuisance of ourselves , and occasionally my siblings , would go out with their friends , none of mine were able to drive though so I was pretty much stuck . That night we decided to order in pizza . We had enough money left that we could do this a couple times and none of us wanted to defrost any of the meals and actually cook . So that night 's dinner , which arrived around eleven - thirty was pizza . Greasy goodness that was pretty fantastic . For some reason none of us slept in the next morning , well we were all up while it was still technically morning . I was in the living room watching cartoons , Brother was through on the computer blowing things up and Sister was upstairs talking on the phone . At least that 's where I thought everyone was . I was pulled out of my cartoon induced haze by an awful noise though . It was visceral and sent chills up my spine . I was up on my feet and running before I even processed what the noise was , a choking retching sound that had me skidding to a stop outside the bathroom , feet going further than my torso in my fuzzy socks . Grabbing the doorframe to steady myself that awful noise , so much louder , closer , more painful than before gripped me and I could see my sister . My big sister collapsed in the bathroom , holding the toilet for support , her face red and wet with tears , snot slimy on her upper lip , jaw trembling and hair stuck to all of it . She heaved again and my brother was behind me . He stayed well back though . Unsure how to help his little sister , knowing damn well she would shove him away , no girl wants a guy to see her looking like that , not even a guy who doesn 't count like your brother . Or maybe especially not your big brother who can 't beat anyone up for you for this , and honestly wouldn 't be very helpful at all . None of this mattered though . My sister was in pain and mom wasn 't there to make it better . I didn 't realize I was on the floor beside her in minutes , dodging the first incident which hadn 't made it into the porcelain bowl . Hand on her back I flushed the first of it , then pulled her hair out of her face when it became imminent she was about to need it again . She was shaking and crying and generally a mess . I snapped at my brother to fetch water . Someone needed to act and he seemed frozen with inability , the moment I snapped at him though he jumped into action , he desperately wanted to help , and muttering " are you okay " from a safe distance wasn 't going to solve anything . It seemed the attack was over . I wet the hand towel with cool water and handed it to my sister so she could wipe her face as she sat back against the wall , one arm still propped on the toilet . She got her sobs under control while I took the glass from my brother , still hovering just beyond the doorway . Instructions , he needed instructions . Get a bucket , put it by the sofa and then go to the store for sports drinks and crackers . We already had crackers , that didn 't matter at the time , it was instructions and he followed them . Brother successfully diverted I had to get my sister off the bathroom floor where she sad feeling miserable . Carefully we negotiated the first incident and got her to the living room . She sat propped up on the couch , glass of water clutched in shaky hands occasionally sipping it . When I heard the car start up I fetched a clean shirt , hers had evidence of the bout of sickness , and had to be uncomfortable . I let her change by ignoring the living room and started boiling some water for some herb tea . Mom always makes herb tea when we 're sick . Tea set next to the water , sister half dozing with her favorite teen drama playing on the TV I move onto the gross stuff . Someone has to clean the bathroom , and there is no way my brother who stood back unable to even move close to that scene is going to do it . I choke slightly at the smell of it but then block it from my mind . Someone has to do this . Working swiftly and not thinking about it at all I manage to clean the mess and flush most of it . Wiping the floor then washing it thoroughly I put all the cloths , my sister 's shirt , and a couple towels from the hamper upstairs in the laundry and set it going . I gagged once it was finished and downed a large glass of water . My brother had returned at this point . He had gotten more sports drinks than we could drink in a month and several types of crackers , also some ice - pops that a woman at the store had told him might help . Apparently he had looked so lost the mothers wanted to help him out , which was hysterical and got a good laugh out of me and my sister . That night I sat in the same place but my brother and sister had switched , he still looked at her wearily , desperate not to have to clean out the bucket , she still looked miserable , and I didn 't blame her . Throughout the day she had been sick three more times and I had had to deal with the bucket . But now it was getting late and she had managed to keep down some soup . Everything seemed to calm down . We slept in the living room that night . My sister didn 't want to move , I wanted to keep an eye on her , and my brother still felt since he was the oldest he should be in charge . I knew better though . He might be the oldest and legally responsible as the adult , but I was in charge . I was the one who took charge when it was needed . I was the adult . I was also twelve . I 'm the fool ? I 'm the fool ! What gives you the right to condemn me as the fool . You left the door open ! I don 't say anything , how can I say anything to that , I take a sip of my still too hot tea and let it burn the tip of my tongue . Denied my drink of pleasure I take a deep breath and savor the scent as it fills me and keeps me sane . If my being mature is your only defense I was fighting too hard to begin with . I put the cup down . Sometimes it really is better to ignore your emotions when dealing with my best friend , too strong willed and emotional themselves to understand why I have to ignore them . " So that 's it . We 're just going to sit here and pretend that this is fine ? We 're going to let you finish your tea calmly and then what ? You think I 'm just going to sit here and let you walk out without stopping you ? There will be plenty of time tomorrow . This is madness and you know it ! " Of course I know it . Do you think I 'd be here looking for your support if I didn 't know it ? I did realize how close to tears I was in that moment . Something must have betrayed me though . Perhaps my eyes were just a little too close to tears . Perhaps my friend knows me well enough no matter how I try to hide it . I won 't ever ask what gave me away . I have to do this . You know it as well as I do . I merely nod . Then drink almost half my still too hot tea and savor the burn that I can pretend is the liquid and not my emotions clawing at my throat . My best friend walks to the closet by the door and grabs something . I cannot look up from staring at the lip of the cup , hoping that the wavering is from the steam and not my eyes betraying me . The cup is pulled from my fingers and I find myself staring at my friend , wearing their warmest winter coat . What are you doing ? You can 't go out in this weather ? I wouldn 't want " Come on you 're not doing this alone . " My coat is thrust into my arms and my hand is grabbed . My best friend is pulling me towards the door . " Remember though if we end up dying in this blizzard looking for your damn dog , I 'm so haunting you . " There are 26 letters in the English language , and we need every single one of them . Want proof ? Choose a letter and write a blog post without using it . ( Feeling really brave ? Make it a vowel ! ) " Mom . " She croaked , still not willing to crack open her eyes . She felt around for her blankets to huddle into them . She didn 't have her covers there was only one explanation . " MAZ ! " She bellowed , coughing harshly at the strain it caused . She sat up , and fell forward . Her hands flew out before her and slammed into some glass . Then she realized something very not good was happening . Finally , blearily she opened her eyes . Carefully she stood and leaned back , what she 'd assumed was her bed seemed to be some sort of tube . She looked forward not up , the pad she was leaning on was mostly vertical , in front of her was a curved glass cover . She took a deep breath . She fingered the thin white cloth of the shapeless dress she found herself in . It tore slightly it was so fragile . She dropped the edge and took a deep breath . I 'm not learning anything new here . She decided . I have to find Mom and Maz . Leaning forward she pressed up against the glass . It didn 't budge . She leaned back and hit it as hard as she could and cried out as her knuckles bruised themselves against the glass . Undetered she leaned back onto the pad and pulled up her right leg and slammed the bare heel into the glass . It budged . Slightly , just enough to give her a moment 's excitement before it fell back and sealed itself again . She didn 't notice the frustrated tear that mared her cheek , or how her teeth were chattering as it seemed to get colder in the small tube . She was determined . Crouching sideways so she could reach the bottom of the tube she pushed the tips of her fingers into the seal of the glass top . She followed it around and up and found nothing . Look for an opening , sometimes it 's a backpass . The words of her soccer coach rang in her ears . So she turned and pulled at the pad . It slid away from the metal frame with only the slight resistance of velcro binding . There under what had been her bed she found a panel that slid up exposing wires and buttons , and couldn 't understand anyof it . There was however a large red button , and who can resist a large red button . There was a click , and the glass began to slide up and out , like a garage door . She pushed against it and flopped onto the ground . It was so warm . She shivered violently and hugged herself around her middle . What the hell is going on ? She picked herself up and looked up and down the long hall . The metal grated floor dug into her bare feet and she winced when she took a step forward . She heard a soft * whump * And looked towards it . I 've been abducted by aliens . I 've been abducted by aliens and that 's very , very bad . She may have completely panicked at this point . She banged on the glass that the man was behind and pulled ineffectively at the seal and she was panting with the effort . She had to help . " Mom , Maz . " She whispered , feeling very , very small . She stopped and stood back , the man made eye contact through the glass and seemed to hold her still with his beseeching stare . He was saying something , but the glass distorted everything and it sounded so very far away . She shook her head at him in silent despair , she couldn 't understand what he wanted . She couldn 't help him get out . He was shivering . His pad had been pulled aside so it crumpled against the side , the red button did not light up in his tube . He pointed to the right , down the hall , then to the big red button . He did this two more times and she nodded . Big red button , big red button She ran down the hall , noticing almost all of the tubes were filled with people in thin white dresses awake pounding at the glass , lips turning blue . Big red button , big red button . Her feet were screaming at her and she was terrified to look down , certain at least the left one was bleeding . Big red button , big red button . Why did aliens change our clothes … why would they care at all . She stopped at a large desk , it was a semi - circle metal and dark like the rest of the hallway , there was a door behind it . She started towards it but there were so many * whump * * Whump * noises coming from the hall it was terrifying . She couldn 't leave those people there , freezing . " Big red button . " She grinned and pressed it . Klaxons turned on and yellow lights flashed , she flinched away from it . There was a symphony of * clicks * and the entire hallway was shrinking as the glass tops lifted up and people were falling out of there freezing prisons onto the metal grated floor . The man who was beside her came striding down the hallway ignoring the people and dodging their grasping fingers . " Naomi . " She managed . " Are you working with the aliens ? " Her hands flew to her mouth as if to push the words back in , but it was too late . " They let you keep your clothes . " She responded and her hands flopped to her sides , as if to give up keeping her quiet . She coughed and doubled over , certain her lungs were going to collapse . " No aliens Naomi . " The man managed , with a peculiar look on his face . " Look I 'm not into politics , I can 't handle this situation . " He seemed to shrug . There was a clank and a large group of people rushed through the door . It almost seemed they would collide with each other of get stuck in the doorway there were so many and it was so small . But the managed all the same . There were doctors with masks up snapping on thin see - through gloves , nurses , some carrying stretchers , and several people in suits . It was a woman who stepped forward and eyed the man in his beige coverall and leather boots . " What you sent me to fix was broken , too broken , sealed me in and shorted when I hit the emergency release , defrosted the whole section . " The man shrugged and brushed past her . " When I said it needed yearly maintenance I was serious . " He tipped an imaginary hat at Naomi . " Thanks for the rescue kid . " He grinned and slid through the open door . The woman sighed and stared at Naomi without seeing her . " The entire section . " She may have sworn at this point but Naomi wasn 't certain , she had never heard that word before , it may have been the name of the man who handed her a plastic square that lit up in her hands . That woman knows the answers . Naomi reasoned . Someone had better figure out what 's going on here and where Mom and Maz are . She snorted and slid through the doors and followed the suits , not quite in ear range of the orders the woman was firing off . The floor out here was not metal grates ; it was a freezing cold laminated sheet . She shivered in her thin dress . It didn 't take long for one of the suits to notice her . " Boss , got a stray over here . " She froze as the group stopped and turned to her . Big and brave , not afraid of a stupid suit . " You should return to the others . " The lady said not unkindly , but so matter of fact that it caused Naomi to bristle . Right like that 's going to happen . " Oh really , should I now ? " She crossed her arms . " Because I don 't know what kind of sick operation you 're running here , but when my mother find out about this you 're going to be in more trouble than it 's worth . She 's a top notch advocate and liable to destroy you and whoever you 're working for , so if you think I 'm going to blithely wander back into that prison back there you have another thing coming . You better have some damn good lawyers , not that it 'll do you much good . " " I 'm still waiting . I 'm still freezing , and bozo number three is looking a little too closely for me to think its necessarily wholesome thoughts in his mind , white is way to revealing . " She pointed at one of the suits , he immediately turned his head his face flushed red , he shrugged out of his dark jacket and held it out not making eye - contact . Dragon sighed . " Let 's not do this in the hallway , would you care to step into my office ? " She finally asked and Naomi took that to be a good sign that they weren 't pushing her back in with the others . A short elevator ride later and she found herself in a bright warm office , sitting in a soft armchair with a hot cup of tea in her hands and a blanket over her bare legs . She watched as Dragon skimmed over several clear plastic squares and discarded them quickly . Eventually it seemed she found the one she wanted . " 2027 , female , teen - here you are . " She smiled . " Naomi Heartrite . Fifteen years old . Saturday March ninth . Do you know where you are Naomi ? " She asked coming from behind the desk to perch on the edge . " No you weren 't you were , damaged though . Badly . You were in a car crash and needed immediate care , so you were transported to the nearest hospital , but care in the twenties couldn 't help you . So cryogenics at your mothers command . Seven years later there was a treatment , surgeries done and you were healthy again . " " Sometimes when there is success there isn 't necessarily anyone left to come back to . Records showed your mother as your holder , and she couldn 't be found . When there is no holder we cannot reanimate and so you , like those other 200 downstairs right now have nowhere to go , no one to be placed with . " " That 's the law . " The woman stated . " With no one to care for you , you , all of you , become a burden on the state . If a holder is not found financially capable they are ineligible until such time as they become so . It is for your protection . " " I tried to be your holder , when mom wasn 't able anymore . " He said , eyes never leaving his older . . younger … his sister 's face . " But I could only hold one . So I held Mom , and Mom held you , and when you were cured I fought so hard to bring you home but I would have to let go of Mom 's place and then she wouldn 't be eligible for treatment I . . " " She 's not deemed fit to help you integrate . There 's a lot of paperwork to changing holders , and it 's almost impossible when the old holder was in holding themselves . We , we weren 't certain they 'd ever let us have you back . " Maz was crying , his head pressed down into the hard matress of the hospital bed . " Wait , so you 're 53 . I 'm 15 and mom 's 46 . You 're older than both of us ? " She fell into a fit of laughter and was quickly joined by her baby brother . This was the weirdest Saturday ever . Hamish knew exactly where this was heading . He knew where the conversation was leading to , and he was not going to stick around for it . With a great heave he pulled himself out of his chair and leaned heavily on his stick . The conversation in the dining room ground to a halt as they saw him approaching . They dithered as though he was incapable of hearing them from the other room . He wanted to scoff at them but he was too tired . " If you 're going to talk about me , I suggest you wait until I 'm dead . " He huffed . " Or at least out of ear - shot . I 'm old not deaf , blind , or mute . " " I am your Grandfather , not Gramps . If you can 't get that right , why should to get anything at all . " He threatened with a sniff . " Abigail , get the car will you ? " " Doesn 't make me blind . I know what you 're up to and it 's not going to happen . " He said with a thump of his cane on the floor . " You 're thinking about what 's best for you . " Hamish responded . " Once you got Angus put up , thought you 'd turn to the baby brother . Don 't see Abigail helping you in your quest . " " That 's because she 's been , with me . We 've seen him in that place , forgetting who he was . Forgetting me and her . You keep living your lives and living through your cell phones . We got in that car every damned day and visit my brother . When 's the last time you visited your uncle , Millie ? " " Did you even stay five minutes after unpacking his things into that box of a room ? " He demanded of his son . " No . You didn 't you were too busy . I 'm old not dead . You won 't put me in a box until it 's my coffin , so don 't try convincing me with pamphlets . And don 't you dare talk about it at my brother 's wake . I 've seen the hell he lived in , sitting by the phone as if it were his only line to life . Did any of you call him ? Did you wait until it was too late and cry that you had meant to do more ? Oh you 'd planned to visit if only he hadn 't up and died before you had the time ? " Abigail stood in the doorway stone faced , her tears long since cried out . He nodded to her and leaned heavily on his cane . " That said , it 's been a horrible afternoon . And just so you know I will not be signing up for a stay at any retirement home / village / or any such nonsense . I 'll die at home or in a hospital and without the tender care of any assistance workers . You will excuse me now . I 've just lost my brother and my family 's trying to sweep me under the carpet , I think I deserve a drink . " He grabbed the whiskey glass from the table next to his son . It was the good stuff . He drank it in one swift gulp and wiped his lips on the sleeve of his suit . Terry really , really didn 't want to open his eyes . He knew , deep in his bones , knew , it was a bad idea . With a groan of realization he cracked his left eye . As he had feared he was not at home . He was supposed to be at home . His wife was expecting him at home , and if the sun was telling the truth he was very , very late in getting home . He groaned again and let his eye close . Yes he was hung over . His wife might very well skin him for this . She was having a dinner party last night and he 'd blown it . He thinks . Last night 's mostly a blur that hurts to think about . He shifts and something rustles under him . Did he see the sun when he opened his eye ? Yes definite red glow filtering through , and there was a dampness soaking through his shirt that he knew wasn 't from some hotel or a friends couch . So he was probably outside . Outside was bad . Outside meant a lot more places he could be with the possibility of not having civilization around to get him aspirin . A very manly whine may have escaped at the thought of waking up without aspirin . All the same his shirt was uncomfortably wet and the red haze was sharp and demanding . He rolled so the sun hit his back . All he accomplished was a sharp pain on his ribs that had him yelping and sitting up much too fast . He found himself relieved of last night 's meal . Huh , looks like he made it to the dinner party then . So how had he ended up outside . In a forest if the pinecone he 'd damaged his ribs on was anything to go on . He squinted through the pain and found himself staring at the damp bark of a pine tree . Which he decided made sense what with the pinecone of doom that had attacked him . He managed to lean onto the tree 's trunk and may have fallen asleep . It was a stupidly loud bird call that made him groan awake once more , this time his pants annoyingly wet as well as his shirt . He really couldn 't get a break . With a sigh and more than a little help balancing from his friend the pine tree he managed to stand up . For the first time he really looked around and was surprised that he was not in a forest . Sure there were pinecones and pine needles and even his very own pine tree to rest against but beyond that , nothing but a Martian landscape of red hills and dirt . He shook his head and winced . He was mostly certain he was not on Mars . Why and how would he be on Mars ? He was at his wife 's dinner party last night , at some point . He took a worried step forward and his foot hit the Pinecone of Doom which slid out from under him and sent him falling back onto his trust friend the pine tree . He looked between the pine tree , and look behind him more sparsely spread out pine trees , then out to the Martian landscape . Not the dirt of the red planet he assured himself . Red clay . Georgia . That 's right his wife 's dinner party was his wife 's mothers dinner party . He had been out with his wife 's brother and his friend , they had gotten to the party and that last glass of wine had turned into a whiskey then … He wasn 't certain what happened after that , something about baiting the crew . What crew he wasn 't sure . But it had sounded like a wonderful plan at the time . He scanned all around , he couldn 't see a house . Just red clay a couple pine trees and more red clay . God his head hurt . He contemplated sleeping again but everything just ached . He wanted a shower and about ten aspirin . Also to punch his brother - in - law … yea punching him sounded pretty good right about now . He scanned some more and saw a glint of . . something off by one of the large hills of clay . Gathering himself up he managed a few steps . Then a few more , soon he was walking like he 'd done it his whole life . Albeit with his hand pressed to his head and his eyes barely open . The sun was too damned bright in the south . Cresting the hill was difficult , his feet kept sticking in the clay then sliding where it formed a slick mud coating . His hands were filthy and he couldn 't wipe the gunk off of him even as it dried forming a second orange skin complete with cracks over his knuckles that mimicked the wrinkles in his hands perfectly . Finally he made it to the hill top and was surprised at what he saw . The glint that had drawn him was metal . Big yellow metal construction tractors . Several of them silent in the afternoon sun . He was at a construction site . In Georgia . Somewhere near his wife 's mother 's house . And it was Sunday . No one would come today and send him in the right direction . He pressed his fingers to his eyelids and immediately regretted it as the clay crumbled slightly leaving dust in his eyes when he opened them . He grunted and looked about . He could see much more from his new vantage point . The tree 's where he 'd been asleep , the machines dotted around the construction site and more tree 's , on the other side . He stood staring for a minute and could honestly not decide which way he should go , but it seemed a shame to backtrack to the trees he had left earlier , not to mention the Pinecone of Doom would probably kill him if he returned . He started carefully down the clay hill and was shocked at how quickly the trees were gone from his site . If he had woken here , he may well have believed in aliens . Giant metal yellow aliens though , he could still see the large trucks with their claws to shape the earth . He started up the next hill and stopped . He heard something , something shrill . Something pissed off and worried . He smiled , he would call back but he was certain that was a very bad idea given the state of his head . Instead he hurried back down the hill and followed the call as best he could . Minutes later he was climbing up another crumbling yet damp clay hill , and really why was Georgia earth so determined to contradict itself he was not certain . He managed to clear the top and smiled at the sight he managed through his squinted eyes . A shame faced brother - in - law with a clear red handprint on his cheek and a worried wife calling incessantly for him to stop fooling around . He raised his hand to wave and miss - stepped . He yelped as he slid down the clay hill , dirt and rocks slidding up under his shirt , one rock gouging a line all the way to his shoulderblade before wedging itself in tight , his left shoe filling with loose powdery dirt that had dried on top while his sock cuff managed to slick up with wet clay from underneath the dry . He lay still at the bottom of the hill for a moment eyes shut and really , did he want to open them again ? He wasn 't certain . Then there was a cool hand on his brow and another on his cheek . Soft words , that didn 't hurt his head . He smiled softly . His wife . He frowned . That meant his wife 's brother was there . All this was his fault . In a snap he managed to open his eyes stand up and plant a mean right hook on the brother - in - laws jaw . He may have yelled something about pinecones . But he wasn 't sure . He was certain that he 'd have to try again when he wasn 't so hungover , the brother - in - law had barely rocked back . Although he was grinning like a fool and patting his shoulder . He decided he would wait until the headache had passed . He may have whined about needing aspirin . He really didn 't care though . His wife 's hand was on his back her soft voice scolding her brother made him smirk as they carefully negotiated the construction site and headed back to showers , and beds , and aspirin . It had happened a couple months ago , a breakthrough in science they told us , a way to electronically send a message to the future . Even detailed delivery was available , to a specific person , to arrive at a specific moment , in fact it seemed the more specific the easier it was to ensure deliver . There were awed silences , parties among the theoretical physicists who had worked their whole lives on such a thing . Some denounced it as heresy . I didn 't really care all that much about it . I couldn 't see how it affected me at all . In fact I found I didn 't think I would ever use it . I have always kept a diary . Not always diligently , and not always with beautiful prose or a pretty binding . Nonetheless I find myself writing my thoughts and feelings , my passions and fears , my own little self - help book and personal history . Occasionally I find myself leafing through the pages of one of my varied diaries , smirking at myself when it seems I 've written while completely drunk , sometimes visiting a particular time to help myself come to terms with who I am and who I was when I had written those entries . " I 'm going to the expo tomorrow . " She said . " You 're coming with me . " She turned and left without even rinsing the sink out . So the next day , against my better judgment I ended up at the expo and pulled around from new exciting breakthrough to new exciting breakthrough really just wishing for the weekend to end so I could get back to work . I wondered if that made me a sad person , everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves . My roommate eventually went to the long line of people excited to try out the newest and most exciting breakthrough and send their messages to the future . I ended up bringing her a flat fried tortilla that apparently had enough nutrients to feed a person for a week and tasted of pizza . She ate it in about ten minutes . We grew closer and closer to the front of the line and she was so excited to send her message that I couldn 't deny her by trying to drag us out , even though I wanted to be in bed and the trains stopped in half an hour . Finally we arrived and she grinned like a school girl , leaned forward and whispered to the machine . The screen lit up and she apparently liked what she saw and hit a too large red button sending the message off to the future . I rolled my eyes and she hurried off the platform . There was no need to rush away from the expo now . Neither of us could afford a taxi back home , even pooling our money , and the trains wouldn 't fun until 7 the next morning . With a sigh we did what we always did in these situations , and what did that say about us that we had such things planned already , we went up a floor and looked for an unused meeting room . Then we hid ourselves behind the meeting table and using our coats as blankets and our arms as pillows curled up to sleep , making sure our expo passes were secured and our bags safely tucked between us . We were up hours later with no need to rush to the train . It was Sunday the last day of the expo . Many of the tables were shutting down and packing up , most of the freebies had been given away . Some of the stalls were discounting their merchandise but by this time most of the expo goers had run out of money or run out of space in their bags . The line to the message sender was dwindling . It was sort of poetic . Three days and it had lost its sparkle . Sure it had been out for a couple months but three days at this expo and no one seemed so excited they 'd wait for the hours we 'd waited just yesterday . This fad , it seemed , would be like so many before it the most amazing thing ever until the next one when it would fade into obscurity . I must have looked whistful though because my roommate hooked her arm through mine and marched me over to the line . So there I stood in a line that would take bare minutes and I was told I was sending a message to the future , who would I send it to , myself ? Perhaps . What on earth could I put in it ? I didn 't know then I was standing looking at the screen it 's blank page staring at me , the cursor winking as though it were bored waiting for my instructions . Leaning forward I whispered into the microphone , much as my friend had done yesterday and pressed the red button , barely bothering to read the print out . Satisfied my roommate let us leave and my back thanked her . Sleeping on the floor puts me all out of whack . I 'm not as young as I once was . It takes us two hours once we board the train to get to the station find the car and drive the rest of the way home . I cook a meal for myself and my roommate groans at the scent , apparently the tortilla also keeps you full for a week , which should be impossible , but then again there are so many things that used to be impossible that aren 't anymore , why freak out about one more ? " I just got all tingly . " She yelped again and walked away from the couch . There was a sudden drop in temperature and we looked at each other with wide eyes . " Right , right , it 's my problem to clean up and you 're using me as fodder to escape . You 've told me before . " She rolled her eyes . The couch seemed to pulse and writhe while remaining statuesque , which was terrifying and compelling , neither of us could look away from the phenomenon . And then there was a piece of paper on the floor , my roommates name boldly written in green letters . Taking my spoon , and dripping red sauce on the floor she edged towards the paper and picked it up cautiously . She sniffed it . I have no idea why she sniffed it , I have a feeling she didn 't know either . With wide eyes she pulled it open and flinched . " This could have been sent in an email , or if I wanted to take longer snail mail . Any message sent ends up in the future . I don 't understand why you made me miss my train for this . " It is six years until I find out what her message was . She was living across the country married to some musician while I was living not too far from our old apartment , not yet married , although there has been some interesting company I 've been keeping . It 's not the first of these messages I 've received . In fact I 've got a special box that came out three years ago that keeps all the freaky moving not moving stuff from happening all over the room you are in . Instead it all happens in the box then the paper slides out as soon as you next pass it . The boxes are all over the place so you can get messages pretty much anywhere . I 've received them at work and at the grocery store and even once while sitting on a park bench . I pick up the paper and see the distinctive green ink . Missives almost always come in black or blue , red occasionally for business purposes . This green had really only ever been used in the very early days . Sitting on the couch , the same couch my roommate had been frightened out of years ago , I let my fingers ghost over the name , my name . " This was a much better message than yours . " She declared and thrust the bottle at me . " Where 's my dinner woman ? " She demanded flopping onto the couch . I spent maybe five minutes in the kitchen before bringing her a plate with a fried tortilla on it . " Spaghetti alright ? " I indicate the plate and she picks up the tortilla and takes a nibble . " Mmm . Just like old times . " And she turns on the teleview - screen happily munching while watching reruns of some awful soap opera we used to watch in college . I wrote in my diary and when I 'd finished tucked it away in its record box . It scans each time saving the progress , all my journals are stored in there . It has an auto link to my personal net . When I die it send everything in it forward two years , to whoever 's name I last told it . Right now that 's still my roommate , my best friend , and if she 's gone too , it 's to her oldest child . It 's a little morbid but at the same time , I 'm certain my story and hers will be seen by those it matters to , and maybe they will get some laughs , and see who we really were at certain times in our lives . Maybe they 'll watch through us as impossible things became normal and they can wonder at what they will see become normal . |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . A few years back , I had an elderly Siamese cat , Indi . Siamese cats are always cold , and the older they are , the colder they are . Ellen bought the neatest item for her - the Snuggle Safe . It made the last few years of her life much more comfortable . The Snuggle Safe is a hard plastic disk with some sort of liquid in it . You put it in the microwave for 5 minutes or so , depending on the strength of your microwave . It heats up and stays warm for hours . You just place it under some blankets to make it softer and to keep it from scalding your cat if it is really hot . Once Indi went to the great catnip patch in the sky , I went a few years without a cat . The Snuggle Safe was still used - by me . I would heat it up before bed and put it by my feet to keep them warm . ( I have to confess , I still do it . ) They don 't measure right where we have to cross . They measure a couple miles downstream , but it can give me an idea what the river is doing right from my computer . It also tells me the speed of the current and the temperature of the water . The other night , the river was too high to cross , so I was just riding up and down the hill on Cruiser . After the first trip , we met someone new at the top . He was from a barn a few doors down from us . He was mounted on a lovely Tennessee Walker mare . As we rode down the hill , he told me his story . Turns out , this man was new to owning horses . He had rented horses for years , and since he was only able to walk those horses , he wanted to see what it was like to run . He had only been riding his new horse a few weeks on the trail , but all he was doing was running her . I 'm not sure if he meant doing the running walk or doing a canter . The results ? He had to ride with an iron grip on the reins as his horse fought the bit to try to go faster than Cruiser 's quiet walk . He was surprised how tightly he needed to hold the reins since he never had to do that with the rental horses . He started to tell me about the other horse he bought - a balky Quarter Horse that didn 't want to leave the driveway and showed him what it was like to ride a buck . At the bottom of the hill , I knew what was coming . I asked him if he horse walked up the hill , and he said , " No . " I wasn 't the least bit surprised . I told him I needed to walk - a horse with a healed bowed tendon doesn 't need to gallop up a steep hill in a race . When we got to the spot where the incline began , his horse started fighting with him . I turned Cruiser the opposite way to head the other direction . I was too late . While we were turning , Cruiser saw the other horse bolting . Cruise bolted , too , but at least he went the other direction - away from home . I was able to get him trotting and then brought him to a standstill as we watched the man struggle with his horse until he got about halfway up the hill - and then it looked like he gave up and away they went . I had trouble getting Cruiser to settle down , but he did . The whole incident really bothered me . Sure , I have seen bad horsemanship before , but in talking to this man , he seemed like he really wanted to do the right thing - but was clueless as to how his actions would affect his horse - and the horses around him . Finally ! Spring ! Finally , Ellen and I can go trail riding together ! As usual , we have 2 hyper horses out on the trail . The last few years we started out by riding Ranger and Mingo together and Cruiser by himself for the first month or so . It went smoother that way since most of the problems we have stem from Cruiser . He may be 22 , but in the spring , the years shed off him like his winter coat . He is back to being a 4 - year - old . This spring , the buddies are back together . The good news is that our horses are always happy to walk along quietly . Sometimes Cruiser will walk a little too fast for Ranger , but Ellen tells me when he is starting to bunch up to shoot forward , and then I will stop Cruise and wait for them . On the first ride , we did decide to try some trotting . It lasted about 5 seconds before they started to race . It wasn 't a surprise . We just stuck at a walk , after that . The next ride went a bit better - mostly because we had been riding the horses on the trail by ourselves during the week and the springtime novelty was starting to wear off . We did a series of walk / trot / walk transitions . We would wait until they felt like they were going to misbehave and stopped it before it happened . It worked . Right before we were ready to turn around , we trotted about a minute - and only quit because we ran out of trail . Maybe we will get the horses behaving before June this year ? Anyway , it is a lot of fun to go out and ride with my sister on the trail - even if most of it is at a walk . It was a long , long winter . I only ride Cruiser out on the trail when conditions are good , due to bowed tendon paranoia . That has never been a big problem in the past , because there were plenty of times that I could take Mingo out instead . One cold weather trail ride is enough in a day . This year , of course , that wasn 't the case . I had no winter horse . Towards the end of December , I was able to ride Cruiser on the hill , but the river was too high to cross . Then , the snow started . Though we had a thaw in January , I still couldn 't get Cruiser out before the weather turned sour . We had so much snow in February that I was still riding in the arena . Ellen and Kevin got to do some hill work , but the river was frozen . The snow took forever to melt , but finally , in the middle of March , we got some really warm weather and the snow vanished . One Friday evening , I was able to rush out to the barn right after work to get in a quick hill ride - the first since December . I walked into the barn , and found Mingo standing in the corner of his stall - surrounded by uneaten hay and grain still in his dish . My heart sank , but the sun was doing the same . This was before Daylight Savings . I couldn 't wait - I had to get my ride in before dark . I hurriedly saddled Cruiser and out we went . He was excited , and so was I . I was halfway down the hill , when I found myself smiling . Yes , even in the sad state I was in , my trail ride lifted my spirits . I was back where I belonged . Cruiser and I did 3 trips on the hill , that night . The river was way too high to consider crossing , but I didn 't care . I was riding on the trail . It even did some trotting on some of the level areas . I went back to the barn to take care of Mingo with a little lighter heart . Mingo may have even sensed my mood ; because he was in the best mood I had seen him in a month . I had turned him out in the arena , and he came and stood by me to get his face petted , and he stayed there for about 15 minutes . When he started to look like he was getting uncomfortable , I went to get him a treat to lure him in . When I called him , he came to me - the first time in a long time . Instead of going to his stall and leaning on the wall or pouting in his corner , he decided to finish his grain . Things are not looking good for Mingo . He went through a spell of not wanting to eat . First he quit eating his hay cubes and then he stopped eating his grain . He hasn 't been eating much hay all along . We switched him back to the Bute , and that helped a little bit , but we were still having problems . And then there was the day he was frantically pawing , looking at his sides and trying to lay down . ( Of course , he couldn 't lay down , and hasn 't been able to in months . ) My sister called me at work , and I immediately called the vet . We thought he might be colicking . Ellen talked to him and calmed him down . She then gave Mingo his morning Bute , and by the time the vet got there , he was back to normal . The vet examined him and took his temperature , which was high . She felt he wasn 't colicking . She decided to do blood work on him to compare with the blood work from last fall . We put him back on antibiotics because the fever . In the evening , I was checking on him , and I saw what my sister saw . He was frantically trying to lie down . He did that sporadically for a few more days , but each day was less than the day before . That has since disappeared . The blood work was essentially the same as before . It was good that things hadn 't gotten worse , but they didn 't get better . After all this time , he still wasn 't absorbing his protein ( hence the weight loss , ) and he still showed a lot of inflammation . This wasn 't good news . He has so many odd symptoms that don 't make any sense and even odder behavior . The worst part is I can 't touch his sides . ( So much for petting , and brushing and such . ) He will let me pet his head and neck , at least . I can 't lead him from the left at all . I can lead him from the right or the front , though . He doesn 't like being approached and will sometime trot away , but that is the only time he trots . He is very tired , breathes heavy , has swellings come and go and is so thin . Sometimes his whole body twinges for no good reason . Sometimes he stands really odd or leans on the wall . Mingo is holding steady , but for as much as he now wants to eat , ( everything but hay , ) I think he is still losing weight . I am pretty sure of what the vet is going to suggest this week when she comes out for shots , and I am at peace with it - whatever is wrong with him , he isn 't comfortable , and I can 't let him starve to death . I will wait until the second round of spring shots - not the first . We will then have one final week to love him like crazy . Poor guy . He is such a good - hearted horse . He certainly didn 't deserve this . I have never known a horse who enjoyed being with people more than he did . I think he liked people better than horses . He hasn 't been that way for a while , though . Usually , unless we have food , he doesn 't want a thing to do with us . Lately , though , there have been times when he just wants me to pet his face and talk to him . I haven 't updated everyone on Mingo because , honestly , I just don 't have the energy . Since the emergency visist from the vet last week , he has had good days and bad . Yesterday he hardly ate or drank . Today , he is eating very well . The rollercoaster ride has been rough . I thought I would end up making the final call to the vet in the next few days , but now , I think I can wait . . . Overall , he isn 't getting better , and he has to have the drugs to make it through the day . His quality of life is not very high . Even on 3 grams of bute , he can 't lay down anymore . I know what I need to do , and I am trying to put it off for a few weeks until spring shot day . His good days are so nice . When he is his old self , I really realize what I have lost . I discussed everything with my sister - in - law , who is a nurse practitioner . That is like being a doctor without the ego . She told me that if he was a human with his blood work and the symptoms he is presenting , she would say he had an autoimmune disease . They are hard to definitively diagnose in humans , let alone horses . They don 't ever get better , and with people , the only thing that works well in anti inflammatory drugs - - like Bute . That may be why the bute makes such a difference . An autoimmune disease would explain everything - - even the hoof abscesses . It explains why it seems like we are trying to hit a moving target . It even explains why he has been so slow the last few years and walked like he was stiff . Far more than you would expect for such a young horse . My sister called in a panic - - Mingo was having problems . He was biting his side and kept trying to lay down - - but he couldn 't , of course . He hasn 't been able to in a long time . I called the vet . By the time we got out there , he was all right . My sister gave him bute and talked to him , and he settled down . She did another rectal exam - - found nothing . She took blood to compare to his blood work when this initially happened . We are concerned he may have cancer . The calcium level in the blood will indicate it if he does . Of course , blood work shows a lot of other stuff , too . I am miserable . He 's just 14 . I have had him since birth . I really am his mother - - and he has always treated me as such . My heart is breaking to see him suffer . . . and my heart is breaking at the thought of losing him . My heart is just breaking . . . This has been a tough time for me with Mingo 's health problems . The one joy in my life - - the only thing guaranteed to put a smile on my face is my Little Thunder . Okay , here is the rest of the story . Mingo had gotten really bad . It wasn 't just the lameness with the abscess . He wasn 't eating . I thought when the abscess started draining , he would start eating . He would eat his grain , but didn 't want his beet pulp or hay cubes anymore . He just picked at his hay . He seemed not himself - aside from the fact that I can 't touch his flanks . I was too miserable to write about it . I talked to the vet . We decided to put him back on bute and treat him for ulcers . Because of all the bute he had gotten combined with the stress , it would be surprising if he didn 't have some ulcer issues . We even put a time frame on it . Yes , we discussed what we would do if he didn 't make a turnaround . He has a month . He even has a date since I already made an appointment for spring shots . I couldn 't allow him to starve to death . He was losing weight , again . He was doing so well just a month ago , I really thought all he needed was time . I felt sick . My boyfriend disagreed with the way I am handling this . He felt I should do everything in my power just to find out what is wrong . We had some very , very bad fights . He accused me of awful things . He doesn 't know it , but he had a date set , too . If things didn 't improve with us , I figured I 'd be better off alone . Well , he started to eat a little better , but still not like before . Then his abscess came back with a vengeance . I got it draining out his heel and he improved significantly by Saturday . Sunday was a pretty good day , but he still would only eat hay for a few minutes and then rest a few minutes . I was starting to think that is should begin taking the ulcer medication . In the evening , my boyfriend accosted me at the barn door saying he was just standing in his corner and he looked so sad . I glanced over and saw him eating hay . I walked over to him and took one look at his hoof . My jaw almost hit the ground . Blood and pus had just erupted out of the coronet band on the front of his hoof . The abscess was draining in a second place . This really gives me hope . That must have been one awful abscess . I have never had one that drained in 2 places at once , before . I 'm hoping , once again , that the lack of appetite in the last few weeks has been caused by the abscess and we can get back to healing up the original problem . I feel this was the same abscess he had last fall before he went to the clinic . I never felt it was resolved . With the extreme swelling he had , we put him on a long - term antibiotics . It is possible that it kept the abscess from fully draining . It waited for another day . So , I am still soaking . Tomorrow , I will reduce his bute and see what happens . There is hope . He may make it past spring shots . We can give him plenty of time as long as he is eating and not suffering large amounts of discomfort . I wrote the first article on Mingo on Friday . Saturday was a different story . He could barely walk . He was only able to put a little bit of weight on that leg . He wasn 't eating much , and he was standing like his hip was really , really bothering him . This was the worst he has been since the whole ordeal started . Even without painkillers , he only walked with a slight limp . I felt sick . The only thing we could think of is that he did something to aggravate the original problem . Maybe he tried to lay down ? If that is the case , will he recover from this problem and just keep reinjuring himself ? I figured I would call the vet on Monday and ask if we could increase his painkiller . I began to fear that this was the end . How could I let him go on like this for any length of time ? Ellen and I were both totally miserable for the rest of the day . The next morning , I didn 't even want to go to the barn . Ellen had to work , so I didn 't have her for support . I did go , of course . He didn 't look much better , and he hadn 't eaten much hay . I rode Cruiser before anything else since the arena was empty . I didn 't concentrate well , but at least Cruiser got exercise . Jim , the man who fed that morning , came in to talk to me . He said that when he tossed Mingo 's hay in his stall , he didn 't even walk to it . He dumped his grain , beet pulp and hay cubes into his feed dish . Mingo was close to that , so he did eat all of it , so that was good . ( He didn 't the previous morning . ) Jim just shook his head and said , " I haven 't seen a horse this lame since Maverick had his hoof abscess . " At that point , I knew it was even worse than the day before . I finished my ride on Cruiser and went back to see Mingo . He still looked miserable . I was near tears . I stooped down to look at his leg to see if there was any clues . He wasn 't putting any weight on it , at all . Then , I remembered what Jim said . I reached to his hoof . It was warm . I brought my hand to his heel . I couldn 't believe what I felt . Something was oozing out his heel . I smelled my hand . I started to smile . I tried it again . Mingo told me to quit touching his heel because it hurt . Yep , it smelled like a hoof abscess that just broke open . I started to laugh . I then went to Jim and told him I loved him . He was grinning when I told him the story . I heated up some water and got out my handy soaking boot . Good thing I had that big bag of Epsom Salt . After about 10 minutes of soaking , Mingo was actually taking all the weight from his good foot and putting it on the soar foot . For the first time in months , I finally felt I was able to help give him some real relief . Of all people , Ellen and I should have recognized that Mingo was suffering from a hoof abscess - he has had so many of them . Our brains were just cluttered with his other problem . I am certain it wasn 't a festering hoof abscess from the beginning , because an abscess doesn 't keep a horse from laying down or make him lose balance and shake if you lift his foot . There is still the enlarged sacroiliac , too . I couldn 't say for sure , but this may have been the abscess that he had back in the beginning of the saga . I always felt is was never fully resolved . All the anti - inflammatory drugs and the antibiotics might have prevented it from fully draining out - keeping it for another day . Getting his hoof trimmed might have reactivated it . What a relief . I went from hopeless to having a glimmer of hope , again . We still have the original problem , though , and he isn 't eating quite as good as I would like . Time will give us an answer . I just need to be patient … Mingo isn 't the only horse who has had farrier issues , lately . Actually , Ranger has been having some troubles with his hind legs for quite some time . He had trouble balancing on one foot while the farrier held up the other foot . Our farrier had to keep his foot very low and give him breaks . Ranger would pull his foot away often . We attributed it to arthritis . Early on , giving him bute helped . Ellen also did spent a lot of time stretching his legs when she cleaned his feet . Last year , we couldn 't put back shoes on Ranger , and he is a horse who really needs them if Ellen wants to do a lot of riding . He twists his foot when he trots and wears his foot too far down on one side . He used to grind his shoes paper thin in 8 weeks . Ellen had to adjust his riding on the account that he couldn 't be shod . She had done target training initially , so he understood the concept of clicker . She then started to click when he lifted his feet up . He decided he really liked this game , and he got very good at lifting his feet . The next step was to click when she was holding his foot . To do this correctly , she needed help . Due to her work schedule , that means she could only do the " lift and hold " on Saturdays when I was there to give him a treat , and she wouldn 't have to put his foot down to treat him . This meant that we only worked on this 8 Saturdays . After a couple lessons , she noticed Ranger relaxing his leg . She then decided to only click when he relaxed . This worked awesome ! He would relax , she would click , I would treat , she would pull his leg out further and wait for him to relax before she would click again . It was amazing how far and high she could get his leg - and how relaxed he would get . Then came the real test - farrier night . We didn 't tell our farrier any of our plans , so he was clueless . He got there before Ellen did , and trimmed Ranger . When Ellen arrived , she asked him how Ranger did . He replied , " Really good . As good as he used to be before he started having problems . " Success ! Success in a big way ! Ellen 's next step is to get him to lift his foot up even higher . Will he get so good that our farrier will be able to shoe him ? That remains to be seen . He is still arthritic . Still , if he can be trimmed with ease and less discomfort for all , it is worth the training . Remember , the real work was only done on 8 Saturdays . I know I have been preaching a lot about clicker , but we have been having so much success with it in solving practical problems . I always thought it was about teaching horses tricks , but now I know it is about helping horses understand what we want and to help them get along in life with less stress and even some fun . After all , I have never seen a more enthusiastic horse about hoof cleaning than Ranger . Where do I start ? I skipped the update last month , so I guess I have to start there . Early in January , something very odd happened to him . He got very grouchy and paranoid - didn 't want anyone - particularly me - to touch him . He would stand in the corner of his stall and bob his head up and down if anyone looked at him . He would even be hesitant to take a treat out of his dish . He would slowly walk up to it , grab the treat and retreat . It was very puzzling and upsetting . I called the vet out to see him . While leading him , he walked and trotted fine , but he wouldn 't bend his head towards me if I led him on the proper side . There was no problem if I led him on the near side . The vet had to examine the sore leg from the opposite side just so she could touch it . He was fine with that , and showed no pain in the leg . It seemed like the problem was in his neck . Neck ? Could this be ? Just to be thorough , she decided to check for Lyme disease . It was very unlikely that he had it just because we don 't have the offending ticks in our area . As predicted , he turned up negative . It was a relief and disappointment at the same time . I was glad he didn 't have it , but was disappointed that we still didn 't determine the problem . Each day , his symptoms got a little better . The only thing the vet could come up with is that he may have fallen asleep standing up and hurt himself in the process . You see , he hasn 't been laying down to sleep or roll . We put him on a big dose of bute for a few days , and he did lay down to sleep . We tapered it off , and he seemed to be doing all right . Eventually , the vet decided he should be on a long - term painkiller , but Bute can be harsh on a horse . She suggested switching to Prevacox . There is a horse version that is a paste , but it is very expensive . They have found out that the dog version , in a pill format , will work on horses . Because of the way the drug works , a horse has the same dose as a beagle . It is easy to give , too . We just put it in his grain , and he eats it . Finally something that is easy . After a few days of it , Ellen caught him rolling in his stall . We were thrilled . Unfortunately , we haven 't seen him roll , since . He was doing very well , though . At this point , there were only a few signs left that he had a problem . The first was that he was having a lot of trouble lifting his foot , again . Some days , I didn 't even succeed in cleaning it . He could lift it up , but not bring it back so I could see the bottom of it . The other symptom , one he had from the very beginning of the whole saga , is that on a small circle , when his bad leg was to the outside , he would step short . One other thing that he had all along was that he didn 't lift that foot up very high . In the early days , he was even stubbing his toe on the ground . That got me thinking - could he step over a pole ? Well , he could , but with much difficulty . With the help of clicker , he would give it a good try , but it was definitely one more symptom . Physically , there was one more odd thing - he had a hunter 's bump . The joint on the top of his back where his hindquarters start was very prominent . Originally , I thought it was just his weight loss . I did some research . This is his sacroiliac joint . One way to determine if it is bothering him is to see if one side is higher than the other . The other is if the top of his pelvis isn 't symmetrical on both sides . Bingo for both . Also , each of his problems in movement are signs of sacroiliac troubles . What isn 't a sign is the extreme swelling he had , the original severe lameness at a trot and a sore neck . I talked to my vet , and she said that it could be a sacroiliac injury or even a pelvic fracture . Who knows about the neck and bad attitude . A pelvic fracture would explain the extreme swelling , too . There are other tests we could do that may pinpoint the exact problem , but even the vet at the clinic I took him too last fall said they may not find the problem . There is nothing we could do at the barn to find out the cause . The next best thing to expensive diagnostics is long - term painkiller and a lot of time to rest . That is where we are at … . Things were going fine , until the neck thing came back with the bad attitude . It wasn 't as bad as the first time . He isn 't too cranky unless I approach or touch his flank . Could he have fallen asleep and fallen again . I don 't really know at this point . What I do know is he is now bending his neck fine , he isn 't stepping as short on the circle , he is trotting normal and he is allowing me to lift his foot up to clean . It is as if his brain hasn 't caught up with his body . Sometimes , though , I do catch a few lame steps and if he moves suddenly , he jerks . Thanks to clicker and a thoughtful ( and wonderful ) farrier , we were able to trim his feet . We did a lot of reviewing lifting and holding with the clicker to reinforce him when he did well . He was able to lift his foot and hold it for the farrier . My farrier could feel him shaking his leg , so he lowered it to a position it didn 't shake and trimmed at that level . He also gave him a lot of breaks . My plan is to just give him a lot of time - as long as he isn 't suffering a lot . He doesn 't mind if I don 't ride him , and at this point I would be happy to have a healthy pet horse to coddle and play clicker games with . If it is his sacroiliac or a fractured pelvis , it should heal in a year or so . If it is some sort of odd groin pull , it might heal , too . I will keep you updated … A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
April 22 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment The first Christmas after you lose a part of your family , is the hardest one . By the time Christmas rolled around I think I was still in a state of shock and possibly a little bit of denial that my mom was gone . I knew I just had to get through it for the sake of my son . This was the first year that he was really excited and understood what was going on . I didn 't want to ruin it for him . I know my mom would 've told me to try my hardest to give him a good Christmas and so , for another few weeks , I put out of my mind what had happened . Since my brother and Satan were in such a rush to get my mom 's money , I had a check in my hand exactly one week after she died . I remember opening the envelope and crying . When I finally went to the bank to cash it , I cried . When I went shopping for my son for Christmas , I looked in the back of my car at all the gifts and again , I cried . My mom spoiled the hell out of son , and so I went a little extra this past Christmas . I went onto her phone one day and looked in her amazon app and ordered all the things she had saved in her favorites that she was going to order for him and I told him that it was from her . My mom always made Christmas so special for us . It would take us an entire weekend to get our house decorated . I remember we 'd replace almost everything on any type of surface in my house with Christmas stuff . Half our attic was filled exclusively with Christmas stuff . My mom used to really enjoy it when we were kids . I then thought about the last few Christmas 's . The year 2013 was the first Christmas after my brother had met Satan . That Christmas took place only a few weeks after they had their first huge blowout . It was a sad year . It was also the first year in our entire lives that we didn 't spend all together . For 6 years prior to then , we spent our Christmases with my brother 's ex - fiance 's mom , Donna and her husband . We had a whole tradition going . We 'd all go to my brother 's apartment in the morning for breakfast . There we 'd exchange gifts . Donna would make us all laugh because she 's come with this huge bag for my brother 's ex , filled with random things she had been collecting over the year . Donna had a bit of a shopping addiction which also lead to a hoarding problem . It was a rip to watch them discuss each and every item and why she got it . To go from that to just me , my , mom , my husband and my son . It was sad . My mom hadn 't seen my brother the following two Christmas 's . Because those two assholes refused to make amends , her last Christmas ever , in 2015 , she had to spend it separately . She came to my house Christmas Day and then saw them the day after , but her visit with them was cut short when I called her and told her she needed to go to the emergency room . Even though it was great seeing my son open all of his toys , it was bittersweet . Not calling my mom in the morning was odd . Knowing we wouldn 't be seeing her that day , felt really strange . It was surreal . My moms youngest sister Dana called me up a few weeks before Christmas and told me that she 'd like to have us over . That was a big help and I 'm so thankful she invited us . My Aunt Dana and I have a special bond . When ev ( The end of the back story ) April 10 , 2017April 16 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment Time was passing me by and Christmas was right around the corner . I was so busy trying to play catch up and figure out what my brother and his wife were up to that I felt like it was not completely hitting me that my mom was gone . It felt like she was just away for a little bit and would be back shortly . I had to go back to her house I was really in no mood to celebrate Christmas . Usually I am decking the halls like Clark Griswold but this year I felt as if I just didn 't have it in me to go all out . I remember the first Christmas without my dad . I was still living at home with my mom at the time . My mom was really down that year and she didn 't want to put up a tree or anything . I pushed her that year and made her do it . I remember feeling like this , and recently someone who also lost their father at a young age ; said the same thing to me . I hated seeing my mom so down and sad , that all I wanted to do was just fix her . At times if she started getting down or talking about how sad she was about my dad I 'd just shut her down . Not because I didn 't want her to talk about him , but because I couldn 't take seeing her so sad . This year though I understood . My grief over my dad was much different than the grief I have over my mom . A large factor in that is the relationships I had with them . My dad and I didn 't have the best relationship throughout my life . I didn 't like the way he treated me and my brother , and especially didn 't care for how he treated my mom . He was a hard person to get along with at times . It wasn 't until the last few years of his life that we started to get along better and have a better understanding of one another . On the other hand , my mom and I were best friends and so her death has way more of an impact on me . Anyhow , I knew I couldn 't just completely ignore the fact that Christmas was coming because I did have my three year old son , who was about to turn four . It was the first year he was really excited and aware of whGoing back to before all this crap happened with the will , going back to thanksgiving I took a ride to her house that night to clean out the rest of the left over food from her fridge and I figured I would get the lights while I was there . I went into her room and grabbed the boxes out of the corner of her room . Before I could grab the boxes , I had to move some stuff out of the way . One of the things I had to move was a small plastic food container that my mom used to store pill boxes and over stock of her medication . I had placed that box on top of the Star Shower boxes , the day before her wake , as I was cleaning it off her dresser . When I went to move the container , I noticed there was a little , round white pill sitting on the lid . I thought nothing of it . I opened up the container and noticed that she had only one pill bottle in there and the rest were empty pill cases . I opened the bottle and looked inside it to see that it was at least halfway filled with pills that were identical to the one I found , and so I dropped the loose pill in there and closed the bottle . I looked at the label and realized it was the hydrocodone ( either Vicodin or Percocet ) that I had picked up for her just a week prior to her going into the hospital . I had figured my mom left it there the day I brought her to the emergency room . It made me sad because I remembered that day . I told her to take a pain killer before we headed to the hospital because I had this feeling that it would be hours and hours , before we saw a doctor . I told her to take a few extra with us just in case it wore off as we were waiting . My mom was In pretty bad shape that day and so I wouldn 't be the least bit surprised if my mom left one out like that . All I knew is that I was glad I found it before my son did . That night I also saw my mom 's neighbor and we ended up talking and so I went back a day or so later to clean out the rest of the food from the other fridge . I had heard from the neighbor that my brother had also been at the house earlier that same day . The only person who could 've left it there was my brother . My mom 's neighbor was keeping an eye on the house for me and a few days later she had spotted my brother there one night . She told me he was alone and that she had witnessed him carrying boxes out to his car and putting them in his trunk . He had been there quite a few times in the first week or two after my mom passed and I was starting to get suspicious that he was taking things out of the house . I had been trying to catch them in the act since my mom was in the hospital but every time I got there , they 'd be gone . I headed over to my mom 's house that night and I was on the phone with my cousin Nikki . I walked around the house looking around but I didn 't notice anything missing . I know my brother had taken some stuff the first few times he was there . He took her wireless router and all of our home videos that were on VHS Tapes . This time however there was nothing missing that I noticed . As I walked around the house me and Nikki were speculating as to what he was doing there , I walked through the bathroom , and into my mom 's room and I had reminded Nikki about the painkiller I had found a few days earlier on the bathroom counter and as a joke , Nikki asked me if my mom had any painkillers in the house . Suddenly , I remembered the other pill I found when I came do pick up the Christmas lights . I told her about it and she 's like , " maybe that 's it ! Maybe they took those ! " . I walked over to the corner of the room where I had put the plastic container with the pills and opened it up . I was totally expecting them to still be in there , but when I opened the bottle they were ALL gone ! I couldn 't fucking believe it ! Talk about divine intervention ! Had my mom not ordered me one of those star showers , I never would 've picked up that box . Had one of the pills not been on the cover , I never would 've opened the container or looked in that pill bottle therefore I would 've had no idea of anything was missing from it ! Even finding the small piece oWhile she was there , I told her about the whole story with the pills and how I came to discover them . As I told her the story , I brought her into my mom 's room to show her where the pill box was and how someone really had to be looking for them . I also pointed out how you could clearly see that someone was sitting on my mom 's bed , near where the pills were . I looked directly down on the floor and a white object on the floor catches my eye . Sure enough I look down and it 's yet another loose pill , just sitting there ! It was the same exact one as the one I found in the days prior . I couldn 't believe it . Had my brother let this girl lead him so far down the dark path that he now is addicted to pills ? I have long thought she was on something . Through the few years they were together , she has made a few mentions of pills . She had mentioned it once to me when they first started dating and also to a few family members . She also had made a few comments when my mom was in the hospital about her having bottles and bottles of pain killers at home . Then there was that day when she left the hospital to go to the doctors office for an upper respiratory infection and she came back and showed everyone that her doctor had prescribed her Percocet . I have NEVER heard of a doctor prescribing narcotic pain medication for an upper respiratory infection and apparently , neither had anyone in the room that day ! She played it off that day as if the doctor just wrote them down without her even knowing . There 's no way . She had to have gone there and either asked for them or faked some type of pain or injury . Either way , if she is addicted to pills I wouldn 't be very surprised . It would explain a lot of the erratic behavior . ( to be continued in my next post ) Uncategorizedaddiction , greiving , opiate pain medicine , pain killers , pain pills The wake , day 2 , part 2 April 9 , 2017April 9 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment We hadn 't even made it to the funeral home yet and I knew it was going to be a long awkward day . My husband was irate . He told me to bring my mom 's truck back to the house immediately and so before the wake that 's what I did . I knew them being so nice was all a big bullshit act . I honestly don 't even think my brother had any clue as to what his wife was doing or saying . I still hadn 't had a good nights rest and by time I had reached the funeral home that day I was seriously in a state of complete shock . I tried to put all my ill feelings for my brother and his wife aside and just get through the day . I walked into the room to see my mom again . I walked up to the casket and knelt down and in my head I talked to her . I told her I was sorry . That I didn 't think I could fix things at this point . That I was so disappointed with my brother and I hoped she could see now and understand . As I walked around the room and looked at the old photos of days past I noticed there was another board filled with pictures and it wasn 't from me . When I got a better look I realized there was several photos from my brothers wedding . All the ones I didn 't include . There was also photos of my mom 's cousin and then various other people . I asked my cousin Nikki where that board came from and she told me Aunt Bea had brought it . Again that day my uncle Bob , Aunt Bea and even her kids sat off to the side right next to my brother and Satan . It was perfectly clear to me that day that they were trying to get under my skin . At some point halfway through I noticed that my Aunt 's and Uncle 's were all missing from the room . I asked someone where they went and I was told the funeral director brought them all downstairs to pick out their urns for my mom 's ashes . Then I noticed my grandmother was still in the room . No one had even thought to bring her down there to pick hers out and so I grabbed her and escorted her down to the showroom . My aunt Bea and Aunt Debbie were dAt one point , my brother 's childhood best friend showed up . He had tried getting in touch with my brother but my brother never responded . I explained to him that my brother was with this succubus who wouldn 't allow him to have his own life . Knowing the story , he still came to pay his respects . A few days after the wake he messaged me to tell me that when he came to the wake he walked up to me and he could visually see that this had taken a huge toll on me . I looked wrecked over it . He said then he and his wife walked over to my brother and Satan and the vibe was completely different . They were laughing and talking like they were at a bar or something . He said they didn 't even look the least bit upset . He introduced his wife to my brother and he told me that Satan just turned her head away . Wouldn 't even give his wife the time of day . Yup , that sounded about right . The funeral director had asked us the previous day if we wanted a priest to do a eulogy . Although both me and my brother do not practice any religion we elected to have one because we knew it would bring comfort to my family . My mom was not religious either , but I believe she would 've wanted a priest for the same reason . I also told the funeral director that I would 've liked to say something too . The priest came in a few minutes before he was going to do his reading . Since we hadn 't attended church in over two decades , we didn 't really have a priest we were familiar with . He asked my brother and I a lot of questions about our mother . We went back in the room and lined up in the front row . I took my grandmother and sat her down in one of the big chairs . My husband sat on the opposite side . There was one chair left and obviously it was for my brother . My Aunt Bea went and grabbed another chair for Satan to sit next to us . It was symbolic of how we all thought of her . She was just an extra chair who never really felt part of the family . The priest did his reading in which I felt like I couldn 't even follow . I was really disappointed becauWhen she first got sick I promised her that I would be there with her to the very end , holding her hand and the one thing I could feel good about was at least that . I stick by her side to the last breath . I have never loved someone so much in my life . My mom was one of a kind . A truly unique person . The bond we shared was like no other . I will never be the same . My life is forever changed and I feel this huge void , this emptiness that I can 't even explain . I feel like half of me is missing . My mom was ALWAYS there for me . She loved me unconditionally , and it was truly unconditional . She always had my back and was the only person in this world who really , and purely understood who I was … . . because she made me who I am today and I am so proud and lucky that I got to call her mom , for 35 years . The night was over . I was the last person to leave the room that night . I rubbed her arm one last time and told her I love and will miss her forever . I told her to go be with my dad . She is free now . Free from all the misery this world brought to her . Free from the pain . Free from the stress . She is finally at peace . I never truly understood what that meant when people said it after someone died , but now I get it . She is in heaven . From that day on I knew I was heading into a whole new battle . One like I had never known before and everything I thought was going to happen … well it happened . Uncategorizedadult orphan , death of a mother , dysfuntional family , family drama , family life , funerals , greiving , losing a parent , losing parent when young , losing your best friend , narcissist , narcissistic personality disorder , npd , psychopath , wakes The wake , day 2 part one April 9 , 2017April 9 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment It was the day before thanksgiving and the final day of my mom 's wake . I woke up that morning still reeling about the email alert I saw on her phone that someone had changed the primary email address on one of her accounts . I had enough of the sneaky bullshit from my brother and his wife and it was time tAgain he was trying to get me on the phone to call him and I replied , " Im not fighting with you . Let 's get through today . I just want you to know that I know what 's going on . " , and then , " You can ask ANYONE , mommy didn 't want [ Satan ] touching any of her stuff . I have her saying it on tape if you 'd like to hear it . So you 're going against her wishes , NOT MINE . " His reply to that , " Her will says what her wishes are . That we get everything 50 / 50 . That 's it . That 's not you taking what you want , giving away what you want . " . What he said next though , was the real kicker , " Don 't try to guilt me . And I know you were trying to have her write me out of the will . " . I sincerely have NO FUCKING CLUE where he got that from and it sincerely pisses me off that he even thinks that . It 's insulting . I don 't know when I 've EVER been known to screw over my family . This is news to me . There was NEVER any type of discussion between me and my mom like that . In fact , years ago , long before we knew of my mom 's cancer , she said to me one day that she wanted to cut my brother from her will because she didn 't want " that bitch " ( Satan ) having her money . My exact words to my mom , " well that 's fucking stupid ! You 're not going to be here , who cares . I told her that if she did that she would be guaranteeing my brother and I would never talk again . I then told her if she did that , I 'd just give him half anyway so it wouldn 't matter . That was the first and last time we ever discussed it and that was three years prior to her death . I would never do such a thing . Do I feel after the last three years the way my brother treated my mom that he deserved anything ? At times , no but the reality was that my mom still loved my brother . That for the better part of his life , he was a good son to her . I would never , ever , try to fuck my family over like that , EVER ! I was so insulted that whoever told my brother that , he actually believed it . After that he sent me 7 photos , page by page of the power of attornUncategorizedadult orphan , death of a mother , dysfuntional family , family drama , family life , funerals , greiving , losing a parent , losing parent when young , losing your best friend , narcissist , narcissistic personality disorder , npd , psychopath , wakes The wake , day one April 9 , 2017April 9 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment I woke up early the next morning . The wake wasn 't until about 1 : 00 in the afternoon . I took some coffee and I ran straight to walmart in my pajamas . I was so thankful my my cousin and my mom 's cousin had gathered some photos for me . The rest I randomly selected off my mom 's Facebook page . I printed 109 photos in total that morning . I rushed home and like a machine I glued them all down to the boards . By the time I had finished I had enough time to get in the shower and get dressed . My husband and I opted to not bring my son to the wake . Although I wanted him to say goodbye to my mom , I didn 't want to put him and myself through the trauma . At three years old , only one month shy of turning four and he was at a weird stage where he was aware something wasn 't right but he couldn 't really understand what . I didn 't think he 'd understand why my mom was laying there and not moving or why she couldn 't wake up . I thought it was too much for him to handle and so we had my sister - in - law watch him . My husband met me at the funeral home . Miraculously that morning my brother informed my husband that my mom 's life insurance plan didn 't lapse and so the funeral expenses would be paid by that after all . Personally I don 't think there ever was a lapse in the insurance . I think that was Satan just being vindictive because I was down with her Irish pub idea . My cousin Tina came out and helped me carry the photo boards into the funeral home . We waited in the lobby as the funeral director set up the boards . It was time to enter the room . I took a deep breath and walked through the doors . I was overwhelmed by the amount of flowers that were sent . They spanned the entire wall . My whole familyWhen I finally did see it , I never responded to her because I know she was totally full of shit . She was just one of 100 's of text messages I received that day . If she supported her husband and his decision not to so much as express his sorrows to me , she could go fuck herself too . I almost have more respect for him than I do for her . At least he treated me how he truly felt . They made me feel completely uncomfortable in an already extremely uncomfortable situation and that is something I will never forget . They made it very clear to me , as they sat right next to my brother and his wife at the wake , that they were 100 % behind them and not me . I came to find out at that time , words from my brothers own mouth that my Uncle Bob was the one advising him while my mom was in the hospital that whole month . I had a feeling that was the case . My gut told me that ever since the day I saw them having that private conversation near the elevators . That only made me hate them more . They were the reason my brother and his wife were harassing my mom in her final days , to get her affairs , that were already in order , in an order that THEY would be happy with . I fucking hate those assholes . I was so overwhelmed at the wake . I felt like a zombie . I hadn 't really slept in days . I didn 't even know what to say to people when they came up to me with their sad faces . It was too much to handle . We got back to my mom 's house after the first viewing and everyone stuffed their faces . My brother , his wife , my Aunt Bea and Uncle Bob sat in the living room and none of them lifted a finger to help . I so badly wanted to kick their asses out of the house but I composed myself . As I knew , my aunts would be in my mom 's bedroom . I brought my grandmother in there and asked her if she wanted my mom 's bed . I knew she probably was sleeping on the same mattress she had since my grandfather was alive in the 90 's . My aunt 's seemed thrilled at the idea . I didn 't think it would be a problem with my Brother . I didn 't think he and his wife would want to sleep in my mom 's bed themselves . At some point during the time at my mom 's house Satan pulled my husband to the side and told him that she had been making phone calls . She called the oil company and told them to continue oil deliveries at my mom 's house and she cancelled the newspaper service . When my husband told me I of course was pissed . That was not her place to do so and especially without consulting with me first . I was even more pissed at my brother for allowing it . I also noticed her and my brother were in my old bedroom . The same room where the safe was that I had caught them sneaking into . I walked in there with my cousin Nikki afterwards and as we were in there reminiscing about my teen years I noticed this white folder sitting on top of a basket that my mom had some old bills in . The folder was not there the day prior . I grabbed the folder and slipped it under my jacket . My cousin , my husband and I went outside to go ask the neighbors if they wanted food . We stopped at my husband 's car to look at the folder . Sure enough it was the contract for my mom 's annuity that named me and my brother as beneficiaries . Obviously my brother and Satan left it in that room , near all their belongings probably with the plan to take it with them when they left . They were all over the money . My mom 's body hadn 't even gone cold . We returned to the funeral home and the night viewing was ten times more overwhelming than the day one . I saw faces I hadn 't seen in years . My mom worked at Kmart for 20 years prior to getting a job with my Aunt , the year after my dad passed . A lot of her co - workers from there and her current job came . I was meeting some people for the first time and seeing people that I had known my whole life . Donna , my brother 's ex - fiancé also came that night . She was very upset to lose her friend . Donna had also never met Satan before . She had only seen her in pictures . I think it 's expected at anyone 's wake that people from your p ( To be continued in my next post ) . April 9 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment I my husband let me sleep in a little the next morning . I needed it but I had so much shit to do . I had to be up at the funeral home by 12 : 00pm to give them the outfit for my mom . On the way home the night before I stopped at Walmart to try to print some pictures but by time I got there the machines were closed , so I had to add that to my list of things to do that Monday . I had to stop somewhere on the way to the funeral home to get root touch up spray . I dyed my mom 's hair between her August hospital stay and this last one but her roots started to come back and I knew she 'd be mortified if she had to be in front of everyone with her grey roots . That morning my brother called up my husband while I was still sleeping . I found it odd that they were doing all the communicating through my husband . I believe they thought my husband was easy to manipulate . They were trying to kiss ass telling my husband I could take my mom 's car , as if they had some type of authority . They also told my husband that my mom 's life insurance policy had lapsed and that it looked like they were going to have to move money out of some money market accounts to pay the funeral home . My husband said it sounded like they were talking about their own money market accounts but he wasn 't sure . My brother also informed him that there would be no money to pay for food or the restaurant to go to between viewings . I did not have the money to lay out for the restaurant or the food . At the time my husband and I were barely making it by . I was a stay at home mom and we lived exclusively off his paycheck . I called my brother and ultimately decided to use my mom 's house only because my house was a freaking mess . I hadn 't been home in over a month . I didn 't have time to get it together . My mom 's house was actually clean . She was in the hospital for about four days and my brother and Satan told me I had to let the cleaning lady in . She had just been there the week prior and my mom wasn 't home fo ( To be continued in my next post ) . Uncategorizedadult orphan , death of a mother , dysfuntional family , family drama , family life , funerals , greiving , losing a parent , losing parent when young , losing your best friend , narcissist , narcissistic personality disorder , npd , psychopath , wakes Just like that , she was gone . Novemeber 20th 2016 the worst day of my life . March 30 , 2017March 30 , 2017BahbahBlackSheepLeave a comment The last few posts were very hard for me to write . Reading them back to myself , I can see how much I struggled . I am still grieving . As I wrote this it has barely been four months since my mom has passed . I am still in shock . I still won 't allow myself to fully go to that place where I get too deep because I am afraid of being so sad , and crying so much that I won 't be able to turn it off . From this point on in the story we are pretty much up to current times and everything I 've been dealing with since her passing , and so once I fully catch up to present days I 'm going to start talking about the grieving process and how I 'm dealing with that . First though , I must finish the story and tell you all what happened in the days and weeks following her death and how crazy that all was for me . If you read any of this story , thank you . It was the morning of November the 20th , 2016 when my mom passed away , at 8 : 04 in the morning . I was the only one with her besides the nurses , who were complete strangers to me . They both looked at me and expressed their sorrow . I rubbed my mom 's arm and it was still warm . I stared to cry and said , " goodbye mama . " . The other nurse turned to me and said that they would give me a few minutes alone . For a second I panicked as if I were a little kid , that they are leaving me alone with her now lifeless body , but then I realized , this isn 't the scary part . The scary part was what I witnessed for the past month . It was just her body and her spirit had left it . It was still my mom . I thought to myself , she was finally at peace , with no more pain and I was ok . I gotI realized my family would be on their way shortly and so I decided to step out of the room to start making phone calls . I didn 't want everyone just showing up without knowing , and so the first person I called was my brother . He told me he and his wife were heading up to the hospital and would be there shortly . He also said he 'd notify my aunt Debbie and Aunt Bea and I figured between them , they 'd notify everyone else . I went to walk back to the room and the door was closed so I knocked . They told me to wait a moment and that they were just cleaning her up . In the meantime the on - call doctor came to talk to me . He apologized for the loss and had me sign some papers . He also asked me if I wanted an autopsy in which I declined . I 'm actually sorry that I did . At times I question why things took such a drastic turn . Why my brother and his wife stayed away from the hospital for those few days before she died . By the time I was done discussing things with him , the nurses were done . I walked into the room to see they had closed my moms eyes , neatened up the sheets and folded her arms over her chest , simarlarly to how they do it in the funeral home . They also gathered all of her belongings and put them in bags and piled the bags on the table and chairs . She had accumulated a lot of stuff in her months long stay . As I was in there I could almost here her telling me to grab her phone and her iPad before my brother and his wife got it . I knew my mom was like me and she never deleted her text messages . My brother would 've been devastated had her read the text messages between me and her . I also knew she talked to a lot of people about what was going on and how much she hated his wife . I couldn 't do that to my mom . Even though she physically isn 't here , I felt like it was wrong . I walked downstairs to put them in my car and as I was on my way down my cousin Tina called me . Of all of my cousins her and I used to be the closest . Tina was Aunt Debbie 's daughter and she was an only child . I always felt bad that she didn 't have a sibling and so I sort of stepped into that role for her . We used to talk daily since the time she was a young teen . After my mom she was probably the next person in my family that I communicated with most , but six months before my mom passed she kind of just cut off communication with me , without any explanations . There was nothing that I could think of off the top of my head that I did that would cause her to just drop me like that . In the same token I also didn 't bother to find out what was wrong . I was too busy caring for my mom . I eventually found out it was because of the letter I wrote to her mom . I was shocked . She is well aware of who her mother is and how she operates . I 've never seen a mother and daughter at each other 's throats more than her and her mom . If my son ever spoke of me the way she spoke about her mom , I 'd be really upset . Besides , I don 't think she was presented I got home and walked in my front door . My son came running up to me yelling , " mommy ! " . My husband too . We all just say there and embraced one another and cried . We all sat down on the couch and I went over everything that had happened that day up until then . I told him I had to go to the funeral home and he agreed it was bullshit that they couldn 't wait . Neither of us could understand why they were so eager to get my mom 's wake over and done with and on with their lives . As I was home I received a phone call from the place that handled donations of the eyes . The woman who answered was very pleasant to deal with . She needed some basic and background information about my mom . I ended up being on the phone with her that by time I got off , it was time for me and my husband to leave to go to the funeral home . We pulled up and of course my brother and Satan were already there sitting in the lobby . I needed my husband there too . Satan is very quiet when he 's around . I think she 's a little intimidated by him . It was so uncomfortable with her being there . It was like having a ( demonic ) stranger in the room sucking up all of the good oxygen . The funeral director was a woman , different than the woman who came up to the hospital . The first part of this meeting was completely redundant . It was exactly what we had accomplished in the hospital . She asked us basic info about my mom and once again my brother was looking at me for the answers . My husband and Satan were quietly sitting in two chairs off to the side . Then me moved on to how many days we wanted the service . At the same time I said , " one " and my brother said " two " . I wasn 't really sure why he wanted to do two , but I just went a long with it . I was much too tired and upset to argue . Then she showed us the book of Mass cards and we picked ones that had assorted pictures of flowers . My mom loved flowers . We decided to have a priest even though my mom wasn 't really all that religious . She still believed in god and I think she would 've wanted himAs the funeral director was tallying the costs , my brother turns to me and says , " after here me and [ satan ] are heading over to [ a local Irish pub ] . We figured we would go there between the funeral services . " . I had went along with all their crazy bullshit up until this point but there was no way in hell I was agreeing with this . For the last two days Satan was going around telling my family members that we were going to go back to my mom 's house between the viewings . Whatever family member is was that told me that , thought it was incredibly ballsy for her to offer up my mom 's house . They also though it was a little strange . I also found it funny at she was able to lend her own home to a friend 's sister to have a 50th birthday party in , but she didn 't even offer it up for her husband 's family . Someone must of told them that was weird and so now they picked this Irish pub . I had to laugh when my brother said it , I replied to him by saying , " [ our mother 's Italian maiden name ] , we are Italian . There 's no way in hell we are going to [ local Irish pub ] . We will honor her by eating Italian food . " . I could see the smoke rising from Satan 's ears . I know she 's the one who picked that place . She is Irish through and through . St . Patrick 's day is her favorite holiday . I told him to go check out a local Italian restaurant to eat at . I wasn 't going to no pub so I could watch Satan get drunk . No thanks . After that it was time to go down to the show room of death , as I like to call it . . I was stunned the fist time I had been down there when we were making my dad 's funeral arrangements . It 's like a little store . The first room you walk into is all filled with urns and all these miscellaneous knick knacks and memorial items . You can really customize your wake . Then as you go through there , you enter a large showroom that 's filled with caskets that are all sitting there with their doors propped open . If there 's anything I learned from watching HBO 's six feet under , it 's that death is a bWe walked out of the funeral home and Satan , still reeling about my " we are Italian " comment , ran straight to their car and didn 't say goodbye to either me or my husband . My brother stayed behind and talked with is for a few minutes . He started spewing plans of what we should do in the following days . The next day , he and Satan were going to order the flowers and go to the Italian restaurant . Then he started to go into this bullshit about just opening up my mom 's house and having an estate sale so we didn 't have to be bothered going through everything . I sat there and just looked at him dumbfounded and wondered , did he even know our mother ? She actually used to go to estate sales all of the time because she would sell stuff on eBay . She always used to tell me how sad she thought it was that the family didn 't want to be bothered looking through the deceased 's stuff . She asked me never to do that if she died . I never would anyway . I know my mom was very sentimental , as am I . I want to touch and see everything she held . I want to find little treasures like a letter she wrote or card that she saved . My brother and Satan seemed like they wanted to be in control of everything …… everything . ( To be continued in the next post ) |
July 3 , 2016 I was dreaming . I was a marble rolling down a hallway . The hallway was carpeted maroon and purple , a floral swirl , yet there was a track down the middle for the marble - me - to roll on . I rolled faster between closed doors , trying to reach the end of the hallway where a mirror glinted . Suddenly , I gasped for air and surfaced , waking up , thankfully , still in Winter Park . Day 6 of our trip was mostly not spent in Winter Park , CO at all . We were still based there , but our destination that day was the town of Estes Park . Still kind of bleary - eyed from that weird dream , I started the day having free breakfast at the hotel with Hal , then we geared up and rode across the street to air up our tires . The elevation and temperature changes , I supposed , had changed what tire pressure I 'd started with , so we checked to be sure . That experience turned into an ordeal that included a gas station too crowded with vacationers , a giant fuel - delivery truck that took up most of it , a stupid air pump that wanted 25 ¢ every 30 seconds it seemed ( who would have thought a few years ago that people would have to pay for air for their tires ? ? ? ) , and a tire gauge that wouldn 't read correctly . Despite all that , we finally got on the road with somewhat accurate air pressure in the tires . We took Highway 40 again , but this time through Fraser and Granby . I saw " in person " all the places I had looked at from home with Google Maps . I remembered them from those evenings of planning , trying to find a place to stay , and was glad once again that we had ended up in Winter Park ! Everything along the road looked extremely crowded , and that was because of the holiday weekend . This condition would plague us for the rest of the day . We took the 40 to Hwy . 34 . What we didn 't quite realize , I guess , is that 34 went directly into Rocky Mountain National Park , and it was the only route to Estes Park . There was no turning back . At the gate we were charged $ 20 for EACH bike and rider . In my opinion , that was extreme price gouging , especially since we really didn 't want to go into the park on a holiday weekend in the first place . Yet there we were , and we were doing it . The road started climbing right away , but gradually . The trees were beautiful , the weather was beautiful , and I put behind me the feeling of being fleeced at the park entrance . However , as we climbed , the traffic seemed to increase as we went up , with people in cars and trucks going more and more slowly in front of us . Soon , we were in an unbreakable chain of traffic . The road grew steeper , and the switchbacks increased . Every single pullout or parking lot was jammed with traffic , and we didn 't dare pull over . I got ZERO photographs in the park because of this . Soon , I looked up and saw that we were climbing even more steeply into the alpine environment above the tree line . There was a steep switchback that we had to ride at about 5 mph , and up on the top , the wind was blowing hard . I started to worry about keeping my momentum , and keeping the bike balanced in the strong wind . Between my bike and me , we weren 't very heavy , so the wind was pretty much having its way with us . I was creeping along on exposed roadway , hanging on the side of the mountains , the wind blowing hard and cold . I didn 't see much except the back of Hal 's bike in front of me , but I saw enough to know that the bottom was V - E - R - Y far down . I was glad I had thought to wear layers of clothing under my riding gear . I saw other riders who were wearing thin t - shirts , and knew they were probably freezing ! I didn 't see much of the natural beauty , either , since I had to concentrate so much on riding , watching for people to do stupid things like suddenly pull over , or stop , or pull out into traffic without waiting . At one point , there were some caribou just laying there , relaxing at the side of the road ! The traffic in the lane going in the opposite direction was completely stopped because one inconsiderate person HAD to stop to get a photo ( with his phone , of course ) . I had time to glance for an instant at the amazing animals , but that was all . I didn 't get to enjoy their wild beauty . I never had to put my feet down and stop , but we continued to inch along . I realized we were finally descending , but we were still hanging on the sides of mountains with steep drop - offs and no guardrails . Get me out of here , I thought . I was tired of having to be so ultra - aware of my riding , worrying about keeping the bike upright , and just generally tired of being in a huge f - ing crowd . Pedestrians kept running in and out of traffic , and I really had to watch what I was doing . Finally , we got back down into the trees , the road split , and it felt like the traffic eased a little . We were still going down . After a few miles , we passed the gate on the other end of the park . Bend over , I thought to myself as I saw other riders in the line . And that line ! It went on literally for about eight miles . We were finally getting to Estes Park , we had seen it far below when we were on top on this side of the mountain , but traffic was a nightmare . We had thoughts of finding a coffee shop in Estes Park , I had visions of a charming little town with cool places to take a break , but I was wrong . Traffic was an angry snarl , and all I really saw were the backs of cars . At one point , we had to get over into the right hand lane , and I had to put my motorcycle between Hal and a car so he could get over . There were just too many people , and there was absolutely no opportunity to find a place to stop . So much for Estes Park . Later , we both said we never wanted to go there again even though we had once thought being there would be a highlight of the trip . At last , we eased out of town , and there were more twisty ( and busy ) roads to negotiate . It would have been fun except for the " crowded - ness , " and we rode many miles through varying terrain . Yet in all those miles after Estes Park , there were no coffee shops to pull into , and it was getting very warm . I still had all my layers on , and I had been riding non - stop for about five hours . Fatigue was setting in as we finally came to a little place called Nederland , which was , of course , crowded . We ended up in a crazy , uneven dirt parking lot where , after a couple of laps , I amazingly found a wedge of space in which to park . I waved Hal in behind me . Breathing a sigh of relief , I eyed a coffee / sandwich shop where I could finally get some refreshment ! Hal , however , had other ideas . Hal insisted on going into a Nepalese restaurant . It was literally the very last place I wanted to go , but that is where we went . I tried to get something normal ( read : " not spicy or exceptionally greasy " ) and appropriate to fuel my hunger , like French fries , but I couldn 't seem to get anyone to bring some , even after I thought that I ordered them . Hal ate a huge buffet lunch . I was so overheated that I almost threw up just thinking about it . I did manage to get a cup of coffee just because I needed caffeine , I don 't even remember where at this point , and I eventually pulled a Clif bar out of my side case . Good thing , by then I was shaking and needed to eat . I drank a ton of water , too . It was NOT relaxing at all to sit there amid the dust of the parking lot , in the sun , on a rock or piece of concrete or whatever it was , and chew on that Clif bar . I was grateful that I 'd packed it , though . But wait , there 's more . We got out of the crazy crowded town of Nederland , thought we were done with extreme travel situations , but we rode through a town called Central City that had streets that either went straight up or straight down . Like , 8 or 10 percent grades . Plus , we got stuck behind a tour bus , couldn 't see around it to find the right street on which to turn , almost got in trouble and had to go back the way we 'd come ( impossible ) , but luckily I spotted another route that gave us a quick escape . I was thinking by then that the motorcycle gods were completely throwing every single weird situation at me that day just to see if I were worthy of being a true " adventure " rider ! There was one more situation - a gas station that was all catty - wompus ( is that how you spell that ? ? ) , and was not in any way shape or form an easy in and out . - sigh - By the time I got on the Interstate , I was kind of done with all the juking around . I still felt elated , though , because I MADE IT . Riding down Hwy . 40 , I was struck by the feeling of déjà vu as we rode the same route we 'd taken two days earlier to reach Winter Park . As we rode back into Winter Park , closing the loop of the day 's ride , I felt content , loving the clouds and the cool temperatures . We pulled into the hotel parking lot , tired but happy . Before we walked to dinner , Hal and I thought we deserved a soak in the hotel 's jacuzzi . We were lucky , no one else was in the pool area , and we were able to totally relax in the hot water without nine million people around . Then we went to dinner at the Smokehouse , a BBQ place . They had " burnt ends " which were charred and crusty on the outside and tender and meaty on the inside , all dipped in wonderful BBQ sauce . Heavenly . I tried to restrain myself , but between that and a huge salad , I ate more than I should have . I was so hungry from earlier in the day that I couldn 't help it . But , no worries , we walked up and down the main street of Winter Park , this time for the last time of the trip . We stopped at the bridge over Vasquez Creek with its bottom of black and brown and gold " babyheads , " the water rushing and plunging , polishing the stones with its white water . We decided again that we love Winter Park , as if we didn 't already know , and definitely will return someday . Our day started at Gema 's Café again . We ran into the same couple that we had seen yesterday , another moto riding team . We were all waiting for tables , and when Hal and I were called first , I asked them to join us . We had a nice breakfast and conversation together . Tiana just started riding a year ago . Yet , she rides a big H - D , and has ridden 17 , 000 miles in the last year ! Her partner has an Indian , and a few other bikes , and he rides with Tiana most of the time . It was nice to meet another female motorcyclist who rides many miles . She is very courageous because she will ride alone . I am not too keen on that , especially after the car accident , and I am always grateful for Hal 's company . As a result of a too - long ( but nice ) breakfast , Hal and I left late from Beatty . We were on our dirt bikes , of course , headed toward " The Racetrack . " It was going to be a full riding day . We rode down Daylight Pass , across the floor of Death Valley , then north to Ubehebe Crater , about 67 miles . It was a long time to be riding dirt bikes on pavement . Finally , we got to the black , deep cinder surface of Racetrack Rd . , and since my tires were aired up for pavement , I felt almost like I was out of control ! " Hey , I 've got to air down now ! " I said urgently over the intercom . " Uh , hopefully before I go down ! " I said . It really was crazy trying to ride with too much pressure in the tires on that loose , deep volcanic surface . Quickly , we pulled over to the side of the road and aired down to avert any drama . The road soon became " corrugated " as well , and I was glad that the suspension was working on the KLX ! The suspension worked best when we were at speed , floating over the top of the surface . When Hal and I got to the playa that is the Racetrack , we were dismayed to find that most of the rocks had been stolen ! People take the rocks for their " mystical quality . " I think I saw one rock of any measureable size out on the playa . It is very selfish for people to do this , now no one else can enjoy the rocks , see the evidence of an amazing natural phenomenon . Besides , once the rocks have been removed from the playa , they no longer have meaning . I was glad Hal and I had been there two years ago to see more of the " moving rocks . " Hal and I took a break at the edge of the playa , drank some water and had an energy bar , then got on the bikes and turned back toward Teakettle Junction . We took a couple of photos , and then a guy in a jeep pulled up . His jeep said " Jeep Kitchens , " and we discovered that his company makes camp kitchens that are made to fit into the back of jeeps . We talked for a little while with Al , and found out that he is going to be at Overland Expo , held in Flagstaff , Arizona , in May . Perhaps we will see him there then ! ( We did ! ) I do remember actually seeing the airbag receding , the smoke from the gunpowder twisting in the air as it dissipated . I closed my eyes . My upper lip was numb , and my upper teeth hurt . There was darkness , and I went somewhere inside my mind into a sort of semi - conscious state . My first thought was how could you DO this to me ? ? directed at no one in particular , just the universe . I was aware at once of all the implications . I was not breathing . Breathe , I told myself . I had that shock - y feeling when little light tracers twirled inside my eyelids . Breathe . I never thought I was hurt , but I was aware that the shock of the impact was having some kind of effect . The next thing I was aware of was the sound of Desmond screaming . I didn 't know if he was in shock , or if he was hurt . I reached down into the center console , in front of the transmission shift lever , to get my phone . I slowly dialed 9 - 1 - 1 . I must have lost consciousness for a few seconds because I knew that some time passed , but when I looked down again the phone was still in my hand . I was going to hit the " send " button , but I already heard the wailing of sirens . I have always hated when I 've had some kind of problem , like crashing on the mountain bike , or falling off a swing when I was a kid , and would always get up and carry on as if nothing had happened . I think if no one sees it , it didn 't happen . This time , there was no avoiding it , other people were going to have to help me . Oddly , for me , I didn 't mind this time . I needed help . I am not sure in what order things happened next , but I know my husband seemed to be okay , to my relief . That was another thing I thought of , how with his neck that hurts to begin with , he did not need this collision on top of everything else . Desmond got out of the car at some point , and tried to open my door . It was jammed . I didn 't mind , I wanted to sit there and not move for a while longer . I needed to get myself together . I heard him telling the EMTs that I should get looked at , that he thought I had lost consciousness . I heard someone come up to the door and ask " Is she okay ? " I don 't remember if I responded or not . The door was going to have to be pried open . I looked through the cracked windshield and I saw the hood was folded up and I could not see past the windshield . All around me were broken pieces of plastic ; I was sitting in wreckage . My beautiful little car . Desmond opened the passenger door and tried to pull the key out of the ignition because the " door open " bell kept dinging . He couldn 't get the key out to stop it . I told him I was okay . Finally , the firemen pried the door open . It seemed to me that it didn 't take much to open it , I thought the door was just stuck a little bit . When the door was opened , the EMT asked me if I was okay and I said " yes , I just need a moment . " I think he said something like " all you have to worry about now is what color your new car is going to be . " I didn 't know why he was saying that , of course I would get my Sonata fixed . It 's a nice car , I thought , and I like it . A little front end damage , but it will be fine . I sat there for a while with the door open , and then a police officer came over . He asked me politely for my driver 's license , and I said , " it 's in the backpack , behind my seat . " He took the backpack out and I told him to unzip the main section and get the wallet out . " It 's black with pink flamingoes on it , " I told him . I am sure he had already run my plates and knew that I had a clean record that goes back to 1980 when I was first licensed in this state . The officer was very polite during the whole thing . He was even apologetic that he had to ask if I was impaired . He said , " I can see that you are not , but I have to ask . " I also directed him to where the insurance card was in the glove box . That was almost all the interaction I had with the police during the entire ordeal . The policeman left , and an EMT took his place next to me at the open car door . " Well , let 's try now , " he said . My seat belt was still buckled , but the strap was hanging loosely now . The EMT reached across me to help unbuckle the belt . I seemed to be moving in slow motion . Once he released the seatbelt , I twisted slowly in the seat , then he gave me his hand to help me out . I really had no doubt that I was okay , but I was a little shaky , kind of shock - y as well . I stood up slowly and took a tentative step . I thought I saw people clap in the gathered crowd at the edge of the road but I could have imagined it . As if this were some kind of show for their entertainment . My right foot hurt a little , but I probably had so much adrenaline coursing through my body that I didn 't feel like anything else was wrong . I had the presence of mind to reach into the backseat floor area and grab my backpack and an envelope that I had needed to mail but didn 't because the mail store ( our first stop that day ) had just closed . While in the backseat , I saw the center console armrest had fallen open , and that my glasses , which I had been wearing , were back there . They had probably flown off when the air bag deployed . I retrieved them . The EMT led me around the back of the car , and in the dark , I did not see the damage to my car . We were walking toward the ambulance so I could ride in the front seat . Desmond wanted to get checked out in the ER , but he did not want to leave me at the accident scene . I was so thankful for him watching out for me . I am afraid of doctors and hospitals , so I wasn 't going to get checked out . I keep myself to myself , I thought . When I finally made it to the front seat of the ambulance , I climbed in . The officer came running up and handed my license and insurance card back to me . How had this happened , anyway ? I asked myself again , something I would ask myself over and over in the coming weeks . As the ambulance moved away from the accident scene , I looked over at the other car . It was wrecked . I asked the EMT if the person was hurt and he said , " No , she 's fine , just got jostled around more than you did . " I was relieved that the person wasn 't hurt . I thought the cops would probably come and talk to me at the hospital later if they needed to . After all , they knew where I was and that I wasn 't going anywhere else for a while . But no officer ever talked to me again that evening , and the next conversation I had with PD was the next week , and that was because I called them myself . It was full - on dark now , and I was quiet during the ride to the hospital . I walked with Desmond to the ER they put us in . I was worried about everything . Later , we would compare notes and find that we saw - or didn 't see - the same thing . That other car had come out of nowhere , its headlights had suddenly appeared directly in front of my car , when there was no time to react and prevent the accident . How was that possible ? We 'd both looked at the road , I know I looked twice , and there were NO cars coming . What had happened ? ? ? The question rang in my head , reverberating forever after . Meanwhile , in the ER , I stood next to Des while he was treated for a burn to his arm from the airbag deploying . He was x - rayed , and had a CT scan . My brother - in - law turned up after a while to give us a ride home , and hours after the accident , we finally got home . As Pat parked his truck and we crawled painfully out , it hit me that my car might never come home again . I haven 't written this blog for a long time , and I am sorry about that . I was involved in a head - on car collision last December 5 , and it 's been difficult to get back to normal after that . No physical injuries to speak of , just bruises from the airbag , and also from the entire front end of the car moving back and crashing into my legs , but mostly psychological effects that I will never get over . It 's been suggested that I tell the story here , so I will , but not a long - drawn out story as I 'd first thought of . I am seriously done thinking about it , but I will never get over the loss of my car ( irreplaceable ) , or the loss of trust in how things " should " work . I am still not driving , and it will be a while before I can . Every time I am in a car , I am cringing , waiting for a crash that I hope I will never have to experience again . Here is the beginning of the story . I will spend a few days on it , but then I am moving on . I have a fun Death Valley dirt riding trip to write about , and that is way more appealing to me than thinking about this horrible crash - again . " Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events , but there are a few common aspects . There is frequently a violation of the person 's familiar ideas about the world and of their human rights , putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity . " - Wikipedia It had been yet another stressful week at work . It was December 5 , my sister 's birthday . I thought , I should call her . Later , I tried , but she was attending a work - related workshop of some kind and couldn 't talk on the phone then . I got up , and soon my brother - in - law and I were decorating the inner part of the backyard with Christmas lights . Next weekend would be the party at our house for our motorcycle riders ' club , and I wanted the house to look nice . After we finished with the lights , I worked in the garden for a little while . Then , I ate a decent lunch , for which I would later be grateful . My husband , Desmond , and I had errands to do that day . We left the house at about 2 : 15 p . m . We had things to drop off at various places , shopping to do , and maybe even pick up an outdoor fire pit to use during the party . I 'd wanted one for a long time , and now was a perfect time to finally get one . I also wanted to look at some sewing machines , and make my final decision on the one I would get to replace my broken one . I was really looking forward to getting it , anticipating that I would get to make good use of it over the holiday break from work . After visiting my Dad , and as it got dark , we headed toward Home Depot to look at , or get , a fire pit . As we drove west toward the sunset , I remarked , " Look at the sky , it 's so beautiful , all pink and gold and silver . " The streaks made by trailing clouds picked up the fading light and radiated it over the landscape . I drove into the parking lot of Home Depot , looped around , and pulled into a parking spot . I did not know then that it would be the last time I would ever park my Sonata . We walked around in the store for a little while , comparing and looking at fire pits . " I 'll come back with Pat and get it with the truck , " Desmond said . He didn 't think it would fit into the Sonata 's trunk . I thought it would , but I was getting impatient to get home , and we had one more stop to make at Trader Joe 's . So , we walked out to the car , got in it , started the engine . I wish now that we 'd taken the time to get the fire pit because what happened next might not have happened . It would have delayed us enough to make the timing right for us to avoid hell on earth . As I got to the street , I looked at the traffic . Usually , I will avoid turning left onto a busy street , but this time there was no traffic . I looked twice . There were no cars . So I began my left - hand turn to go west . The car was almost straight , and headed west , when suddenly , a pair of headlights appeared out of the dusk right in front of my car ! There was no time to react , the headlights had appeared six inches in front of me . Desmond yelled my name . We both saw the lights at the same time , as if they had materialized out of nothing . I had no time to do anything , and it was going to be a head - on collision . BAM ! The sound of the impact was terrible . The sound of it is still in my ears . I suppose I heard the sound of both air bags deploying , and the sound of the two cars violently coming together . All I saw was a million stars exploding in my eyes … It rained all night . I guess I shouldn 't have been surprised . Overnight rain followed Friday 's ride of rain for half the day . Now , we were safe and snug in Alpine , having a restful night after a full riding day . I woke up about 2 a . m . and looked out the window of the motel . Fog was lying close to the Earth , yet a crescent moon was visible , blurry through the fog . The sky was clear overhead , and millions of stars were glittering in the black velvet sky . I stood there in the cold room , enchanted by the sight , marveling at the beauty . Later in the morning when I finally got up , the sun was high and powerful , as it is at higher elevations , yet it was not the malevolent , overbearing presence that it is in Phoenix . It was going to be a good riding day . Hal and I had breakfast at Alpine Grill . Nourished for the day , we put our riding gear on , then got onto highway 180 toward the route to Pie Town , NM , a place we 'd been wanting to visit for some time . The route was beautiful , and fun . We rode highway 180 to Reserve , and then took highway 12 , which was through green grassy fields on narrow pavement , the surface of which was covered with tar snakes . " Tar snakes " are lines of tar that the highway department uses to fill in the cracks on a roadway . They think that " fixes " the surface , but when they use this tar , it can move under a motorcycle 's wheels as the bike rolls over it . It feels to the rider like he or she is slipping , and when leaned over in a turn , it is a very disconcerting feeling . There were so many tar snakes on the roadway that it took a lot of ( unnecessary ) concentration to choose a solid line on the road . That section didn 't last too long , but it was annoying to have to go slow . Farther along on highway 12 , with the sky ahead darkening with storm clouds , we stopped and put on raincoats ( again ) . We soon got into the rain , and also got to a narrow straight section of the road . It started to rain harder , and when I looked in my rear view mirror , I saw that a big pickup truck pulling a trailer had suddenly appeared . He was coming up fast . We rode faster , too . There wasn 't a good opportunity to pass , so the truck stayed behind us the whole way to Datil , pushing us to go faster and faster . It rained harder and harder , and the ride turned into a somewhat frenetic one . I thought it was risky for the person driving the truck to be going so fast while pulling a trailer in the rain . Finally , in Datil , the pickup disappeared as we turned onto highway 60 for the last leg into Pie Town . At the Pie - O - Neer , the pies were freshly baked , and hot out of the oven . So hot that some of them had to cool down before they were cut . We had a choice of three different pies , a peach pie , a lemon chess pie , and an apple crumble with caramel . I chose the apple crumble with caramel , and I even added some ice cream . Hal chose the same . The choice was a no - brainer for both of us . We had arrived at the restaurant during a lull in the activity , but as we sat down to eat our pie , people started to come in . Pie Town is surprisingly famous , as is the restaurant we were in . We watched as the pies disappeared , and then people had to sit and wait for the other pies to cool down before they could be served . It seems like you get what you get if you go there , but it really doesn 't matter because the pies are all so good . I was hoping for strawberry rhubarb pie , the flavor I like the best , but the apple was incredible , too . The day 's route was a big circle , so we continued riding west on highway 60 . We were headed to Quemado , where we turned onto highway 32 . It was a lovely road , well - maintained , no tar snakes . The views were of mountains , lush green meadows , and idyllic rural tableaux . I am so glad we got to experience this road because it was a wonderful , fast , beautiful loop back to highway 12 and Reserve . Dinner was at Alpine Grill . Then we walked around town , enjoying the calm evening of pastel clouds and an almost clear sky . We watched the last sunset of our trip , my eyes stinging with unshed tears . Our perfect week was drawing to a close , and soon we would have to go back to the heat and routine of Phoenix . I 've decided once again to participate in National Novel Writing Month ( NaNoWriMo ) . Today is Day 3 . I 've got 5303 words down in the quest to write 50 , 000 words in 30 days . As in previous NaNo 's , I started with a good story idea . However , this time I think I might actually have one that will get me through the whole month without dying out about halfway through . That is what has happened to me in the past , but this time I 've got the ending somewhat firmly in mind . At least there is a solid goal . I started Saturday , diligently writing my 1667 words . I 've actually gone a few words over during the first two days of writing , and it 's coming somewhat easily to me . I hope it lasts through the mid - month doldrums when it is so hard to keep going . I got my first black F650GS , a used 2005 model , but it turned out to be not a good bike for me . It had a lot of issues , but I thought it was just me so I sold it . I looked for another brand of dual sport motorcycle to replace the GS , but never found what I wanted . So , I decided to give the GS another chance . I found another one , this time a black 2006 F650GS with only 100 miles on it . The guy I bought it from lived on a dirt road , so when I rode the bike home , the first miles I rode it were in dirt . I was so excited because this GS felt good to me . It felt so good that a couple of weeks later I rode it to and around Colorado for a week . The rest , as they say , is history . The black F650GS that I named Jewel was my only touring bike for a couple of years until I got my F800ST . But that didn 't mean I stopped riding the GS , or even stopped taking it on long trips . I rode it on day trips that were mainly off - road , and I still took it on long trips that were focused on dirt riding . I love my Jewel , aptly named , I think . She has 43 , 000 miles now . I keep looking at other bikes , thinking there might be a better dual sport motorcycle , but I haven 't found one . |
Posted on March 7 , 2014 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Work In Progress , Writing Who works on Saturdays ? Me apparently . I unlock the door to the store and am immediately assaulted by the smell of new books and cinnamon rolls baking in the oven . Reads & Eats is a book store and café . Or a café that also sells books . Depends on how you look at it . My father opened the shop when he was in his late twenties . He had never planned on being a shop owner but when he was laid off his construction job he decided to go down another path . He took out a loan , bought an empty building downtown and spent the next year using his construction skills fixing it up , outside and in . When asked why he decided to turn it into a bookstore , he always said he hadn 't even realized that was what he planned to do until one day he started building shelves . And so Reads & Eats was born . Then one day a few months after he opened the shop , my mom wandered in looking for something new to read . She left with two new books , a free cup of coffee , and a date for that coming Friday . " I know , I know , " I say as I put my purse and jacket down behind the check - out counter . " I have nothing to do today so I figured I 'd go through the new shipment in back for a while . It 's a little unorganized . " I keep busy behind the registers until Joy , one of the assistant managers , arrives twenty minutes later to open the store . After some polite chitchat , I retreat to the backroom . I would much rather stay out on the sales floor , sit back in one of the arm chairs by the front window and enjoy one of Sarah 's cinnamon rolls , but the boxes really do have to be emptied and organized . I dust myself off and steer the book cart I 'd filled with new books out to the sales floor . There are a few people milling around the stacks , and a table in the corner of the café is occupied . The sight of people in the store always makes me smile . I look over and there is a guy standing beside my table . A really hot guy . He looks to be about my age or maybe a little older , green - eyed , scruffy , and tall . And he 's carrying a bag of books from the store . There 's nothing sexier than a reader … Except a reader who buys his books from Reads & Eats . " It is really good , " I say . " It 's the best thing I 've eaten all day . " The only thing I 've eat all day , but he doesn 't need to know that . " For how long ? " he asks . " The last time I was here it was run by an older guy . He told me he built the place himself . " Dan says . " He was nice . Used to talk about how he met his wife here . " Typical Dad . I laugh . " That 's my father . And I don 't think there are any customers who have ever managed to get in and out of this place without hearing a story . " I feel my cheeks redden and I nod . " Me in all my glory . When I was younger he used to use me as a prop for his stories . " I push my plate to the side . " He still tells the tale even now that he no longer runs this place . " Dan chuckles . " Well I didn 't mind . I was just killing time when I stopped in here for the first time . After that I stopped by every time I was in town . This place just feels so , " he searches for a word , " cozy . Comforting . " The store is cozy , and has always had the feel of someone 's home and not a business . The walls , though they can barely be seen behind all the book shelves , are light green and the floor grey carpet . There are floor - to - ceiling shelves on every wall , and more standing here and there in the middle of the shop , comfy arm chairs and low benches hidden among them for flipping through a book or magazine . The left side of the shop opens up into the café , with its brown walls , tiled floors and bistro styled tables . The whole shop is decoratively cluttered , framed pictures and paintings hang on every available space , and the wall behind the café cash register is a painted mural of the Reads & Eats storefront . I beam at his words . " Thank you . " I want to leap over the table and kiss him . I 'm proud of Reads the way a mother is proud of her child . Technically the store isn 't my child so much as an older sibling , but still . " So when was the last time you were here ? " " Oh , it 's been years , " Dan says . " I was 18 then and my girlfriend , now my ex , lives around here . I was waiting for her to get out of work and thought I would browse around . It kind of became a regular thing that year . I 'd stop in and get a coffee , maybe buy a book or two . But I haven 't been back here since . " My teasing tone brings a smirk to Dan 's face . " Not exactly . I went away to college . After my freshman year I leased an apartment and moved up there permanently . Ultimately , that 's what killed our relationship , though I don 't think we ever had a real chance . " " So are you moving back here now that you 're done with school ? " The more I talk with him the more I 'm sure he 's a few years older . None of the guys I know are this mature . " Oh ! I 'm so sorry , " Impulsively I place my hand on top of his and then remember that we are still practically strangers and wrap it back around my cup . " I can 't imagine what you 're going through . " Our table is silent and I feel guilty about the frown on Dan 's face . " You know what you need ? " I stand up . " You need one of Sarah 's cinnamon rolls . Wait right there . " " And they taste even better , " I say with a smile . I hand him a fork and dig into my roll . " When I was a kid there was nothing that made me happier than one of these cinnamon rolls . " I lick a glob of frosting off my thumb . " Nothing ever seems quite as bad once you 've had one . " Dan 's smile is back and we eat our rolls in a happy silence . I 'm glad I haven 't ruined his mood . When I 'm done I lean back and sip my coffee , watching Dan savor the last few bites of his cinnamon roll . I was wishing I 'd brought a thicker jacket with me as I hurried back to my dorm from the library , hugging my books to my chest . I could hear the faint bass of dance music and drunken laughter coming from the other buildings on campus . It was a Friday night and I spent all of it studying . But if I didn 't ace my calculus exam the following Monday I would probably end up having to re - take the class next semester . And the last thing I wanted was another semester of math . A leaf crunched somewhere behind me and I had to suppress the urge to run . A quick perusal of the walkway behind me confirmed that my jitters were unnecessary - the path was empty . I scolded myself for being so jumpy . The wind could have easily scraped the leaf across the walkway . I chalked it up to my nerves over my test and the late hour . I needed to sleep . I had literally spent the entire day holed up in the library . I picked up my pace and before I knew it my dorm building loomed up ahead of me . I pushed open the door to the lobby and sighed a breath of relief . I had made it back to my dorm in one piece ; my paranoia had been for nothing . But as I moved to take a step towards the stairs an arm wrapped around my waist and suddenly there was a white cloth pressed to my face . My shoulders ached . That was the first thing that registered when I woke up . The events of the night came back to me and I shivered with fear . My heart pounded mercilessly against my ribs and my cheeks were wet with tears . My mind was still fuzzy , and my body and head felt heavy . I couldn 't even tell if I was laying down or sitting . I took a few shaky breaths to gain composure . I needed to calm down . I opened my eyes , squinting against the bright light of the lamp above me . I was laying on a carpeted floor in a room somewhere , hands bound behind my back . My cheek itched from where it 'd been rubbed against the rug . I pushed myself up on to my knees with difficulty before looking around . The room had two windows , both with shades closed tight , a couch and a TV , and a kitchen area , lights dimmed . There were three shut doors , two behind me and one directly across from me that I was sure led to a bedroom . Have I been here before ? I tried to shake my still foggy brain into focus . I looked down . There was something about the carpet . It was burgundy . And scratchy . Old and burgundy and scratchy and ugly , just like the one I used to sit on at … at Johns . Oh God . My head shot back up , my gaze finding the fridge in the kitchen and the pictures scotch taped to its front . A picture of a girl sitting Indian style on a rug , this rug . A picture of me . No . My chest was tight , I couldn 't breathe . Please no . I squeezed my eyes shut tight . I couldn 't look at that familiar burgundy anymore . The door to the bedroom creaked open and heavy footfalls came toward me . I kept my eyes shut . I didn 't need to see who it is , didn 't want to see . Strong hands gripped my arms and pulled me up on to my feet . I stepped up onto the wooden surface and shut the door behind me . I couldn 't count how many times I had disappeared up here . It was my escape . My hideout . I sighed and walked up to the rail . The view up there really was spectacular . They say sailor 's wives would stand on these decks and scan the horizons , hoping to see their love sailing home . " Don 't just dismiss me , " she said behind me . " You think you 're so special , don 't you ? " I felt her step closer to me . " Everyone 's favorite little girl . It 's no wonder though , with that perfect little attitude of yours . So cheery and smart and just so damned cute . " She yanked on one of my curls . " I 'm so sick of your fucking superior attitude . You 're not better than me . I 'm my own person ! And I will not , " her fists clenched , " just be a mini version of you . I am so sick of constantly being compared to your flawless self . I don 't need to be anything like you . " I looked at my sister . Once again I marveled at all her anger . Where was all this coming from ? I had a flash of a giggly little girl , full of life . That was a long time ago , but still . My little sister was a stranger to me now . An angry stranger who seemed to blame me for whatever problems she thought her life had . " Is that what you think ? " I asked . " That I 'm prefect and everyone 's favorite and you have to be just like me ? Who ever said anything about you having to be like me ? " " It 's what they think . Mom , Grammy , " she paused , " even Dad thought that way . He loved you best . Everyone loves you best . " Angry tears were squeezing from her eyes , her voice steely . " You 're their perfect Iuliana . " " Bullshit . Don 't blame me for the way people treat you . Maybe if you smiled once in a while and stopped scowling , people would actually enjoy your company . " Now I was angry . " And don 't you dare say Dad didn 't love you . Or that he preferred me over you . That 's bullshit Althea . " I jabbed my finger at her . " You were the one who never wanted to come to lunch with us . You never wanted to stay over or answer his calls . You never wanted anything to do with him ! " Tears were welling up in my eyes . " You broke his heart every day . " I wiped my tears away and turned toward the ocean , trying to compose myself . Althea could never justify the way she treated our father , but I never knew she felt second best . That was an awful thing to feel . And I felt sorry for her . But the deck was empty . Below me I heard the deck door slam shut and I watched as Althea made her way through the grass down to the beach . I watched until her retreating figure disappeared and then went back downstairs to join the family , and say goodbye to my father . Posted on November 24 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Writing I want to right my wrongs . I want to fix things . I broke them and now I 'm trying to put the pieces back . The plane ride is smooth . The flight feels effort less . Like the metal body of the plane is weightless . We weren 't traveling in a machine , using power to get from point A to B , we were being carried by the air . I couldn 't help but picture those paper airplanes you make as a child . A white paper plane wafting through the air on a sunny summer afternoon . I go over everything I want to say . Every apology I need to make . Some I already wrote in the message I sent you , but there 's more , so much more to be said . The airport is busy . The plane empties and its temporary inhabitants clamor to grab their suitcases from the baggage return . Families , reunited , hug and laugh . People are greeting each other , and group by group leaving together . I sit down . There is no one here I recognize . But I 'm sure that there will be soon . I 'm sure you 'll come . So I wait . My footsteps trailed behind me in the snow like a forgotten friend and for a moment I had the urge to step back into them , follow them back up the steps into the house . But I had to do this . I had to say goodbye . Tomorrow I would be in a different town , with a new house to call home . Posted on August 24 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction This is perfect . I 've done all of these steps several times . The nerd in me had to reblog . Game of Thrones Season 3 is over , and it has been quite the doozy . From " You know nothing , Jon Snow " to " Dracarys " , there have been awesome moments of ships setting sail , moments of triumph , and moments of watching everything fall apart in front of you . So whether you 're still emotionally scarred from the Red Wedding or already starting to feel those Game of Thrones withdrawals , we 've put together an outline of what to expect at each stage of post - GoT recovery . Note : The stages contained on this list may or may not reflect unhealthy ways of coping . We don 't know , we 're too blinded by our feels . View original post 851 more words Leave a comment Rules # 3 and 4 are ones I stick to pretty adamantly . I 'm not a big fan of verbs like " growled " or " snapped " being used to describe dialogue , when " said " perfectly sums dialogue up . And # 10 just might be the best rule , outside of " show , don 't tell . " Posted on August 13 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Writing Sharp , angry knocks resounded through my sparsely furnished apartment and I groaned , burying my head under my pillow . I ignored them in the hope that whoever it was would get the hint and disappear in a timely manner . Who was pounding on my door at this time anyway ? The knocking ceased and I relaxed into my lumpy mattress . Just then a deafening crash boomed through my place as the door slammed back against the wall . I scrambled out of bedroom and came face to face with my landlord . Frankie Artworth was not the type of guy you would want to meet in a dark alley . He was a believer in the death penalty , an ex - linebacker , and probably an ex - convict of some kind . He just had that look to him . As I took in the sight of him in my apartment , I was filled with dread . This was not good . Frankie 's face was bright red , and a vein throbbed dangerously in his neck as he eyed me wildly . I stared at my slightly askew door for what felt like hours before it hit me : I was just evicted . I had twelve hours to pack up what little crap I had and leave . I sunk down onto my moth eaten couch and held my head in my hands . My life was a mess . I was a thirty year - old loser with no family , no job and now nowhere to live . Unless I could come up with the three thousand I owed Frankie in the next twelve hours … Yeah , I was screwed . I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn 't even realize I wasn 't alone until she cleared her throat . I looked up to see my girlfriend Crystal standing in the doorway . An impatient look marred her pretty face . " You really don 't listen to anything I say , do you ? " She scowled . " I 'm done with this Gerry ! I don 't want to live in this dirty , crappy apartment with you . I 'm leaving , and I 'm taking the car with me . " I picked up the worn silver key Crystal had thrown at me . She left me . And now I 'm a loser with no car as well . At least things couldn 't get any worse . My head snapped up at the gruff voice coming from my doorway . I groaned internally . Two beefy guys stood shoulder to shoulder , blocking any way in or out of my apartment . In front of them stood Scott , the guy I gambled with almost every weekend . Physically , Scott was nothing to be afraid of , but the two body guards he traveled with were . Scott sauntered into the room , the two beefcakes following him . " You know , I like you Gerry , I really do . But you have to understand , " he said , stopping in front of me , " that it 's just good business . " He snapped his fingers and I was violently hauled off the couch by beefcake number one . It happened too fast to react . I was on the floor and steel tipped shoes were coming in contact with my ribs , my back and stomach over and over , while a fist covered in blood , probably my own , pounded into my face repeatedly . All I could comprehend was the pain . There was so much pain . " Make sure you come by with my money sometime this week , yeah ? " I heard Scott call out as they walked out of my apartment . " It 's been lovely , Gerry . " I don 't know how long I laid there in the middle of my floor , blood from my nose pooled on the floor and gasps for air filling the space around me . I felt like I was dying . Then there were hands helping me up , hands that carried and dragged me to the couch , hands that held a cold wash cloth to my face and an icepack to my ribs . Had Crystal come back ? I cracked open a swollen eye . There was a pair of neon green eyes staring back . The sight was enough to shock me into a sitting position , and I ignored the pain in my body as I took in the man in front of me . " So wait , wait , wait . Hold on , you 're saying that you 're the Emerald Strike ? " I was propped up on my couch , an icepack to my ribs , and a tissue to my nose to stop the bleeding . " The superhero I made up as a boy ? " The man stood up straight and placed his fists on his hips . " That is true , son . I am the Emerald Strike ! Where there 's crime , my strike of justice will not be far behind ! " Insane . This man was insane . Maybe he had escaped from some sort of psych ward . Granted , his costume was close to what the Emerald Strike used to wear in my childhood sketches - dark green tights under a black , bullet - proof leotard , tall black leather combat boots , and an emerald colored cape with a lightning bolt down the middle - but that just made things even crazier . How had he found my old drawings ? How did he find me ? Startled , I sat up on the couch . The room around me was empty , my door was back on its hinges , and my ribs weren 't throbbing . I was about to thank my lucky stars that it was all a dream , when the old man came sweeping through the kitchen doorway , carrying a tray of food and a steaming cup of coffee . I groaned and laid back down on the couch . This could not seriously be happening . This old man could not seriously be in my house . He could not seriously think he was really a superhero , let alone the very superhero I made up as a kid . This was not seriously happening . " So , Gerry , I think we should get to know each other again . It 's been a long time . " He set the tray on the coffee table , and then the couch dipped as he sat down beside me . " You know me just as the Emerald Strike , " he said , " but you can call me Albert . Albert Walters . " " Help you get a job . Help you keep your apartment , even though it 's sort of crappy … Help you pay your gambling debt and get Crystal back . It 's a lot for one person to tackle . " Albert stopped and smiled at me . " But I 've always got your back Gerry . Let 's strike while there 's still time ! " One morning Gerry woke up in his apartment from a knocking on his door . It was his landlord , who told him he was evicting him and why . After the landlord left , a couple tough - looking men came in , beat him up , and told him he would be missing a finger if he didn 't pay money he owed from gambling . Then his girlfriend came to return his apartment key . He hadn 't had time to realize she had left him . Last , an elderly man in faded spandex appeared at his door , claiming to be a superhero Gerry had created when he was thirteen , and had come to rescue him from his difficulties . Posted on July 26 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction In less than 2 hours I will be embarking on an adventure ! I 'm going on a roadtrip with my boyfriend and my bestfriend , which means , unfortunately , that there will be no new posts for at least the next four days . I am bringing my notebook with me though , so hopefully some inspiration hits me on this trip ! Posted on July 23 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Writing Leia hummed as she got out of her car . She was in a good mood . She had just worked an eight - hour shift at the bookstore one town over and now had a bag of new books sitting in her backseat . The job at the Baker Books was her favorite - she loathed cashiering at the local grocery store . Leia skipped happily up the front steps of the Stone residence , excited to hear about Eowyn 's doctor 's appointment . Leia sang softly as she unlocked her best friend 's front door , some upbeat pop song from the radio stuck in her head . " Eowyn ! " She called out as she stepped inside . Leia was greeted with silence . She shook her head and closed the front door behind her . The lazy girl had probably gone back to bed , or was trying to take a quick shower before Leia got there . Eowyn sat slumped against the wall behind the door , dressed in a pair of loose sweatpants and a bright - colored tee that hung loosely over her slightly swollen belly . Her honey brown hair was in disarray , down around her shoulders . Her wispy bangs fell into her brown eyes , whose green flecks would glint in the light like emeralds . Eyes that were wide open , their empty gaze on fixed on Leia . Leia reached down and touched a shaky hand to Eowyn 's face . Her hand jerked away when her fingertips met cold skin . A broken sob left Leia 's throat as she turned and ran from the room . Leia sat huddled in a blanket in the lobby of the police station . She had called 911 after she fled from Eowyn 's room and watched as the police studied the scene and as Eowyn 's body was taken away . She had been questioned relentlessly by the police . How could they get in touch with Miss Stones family ? Did you see anything out of place ? Is there anything missing ? She was taken back to the station from the scene . Leia had no idea how long she had been there . She vaguely remembered being told her mom would be there as soon as possible , and that her dad hadn 't been able to get away from work . She sat down wordlessly and pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders . The officer in front of her was giving his condolences , asking if she wanted something to drink . His name - tag said Officer Mack . Leia nodded and took a steadying breath , clutching the blanket even tighter . She looked down at the scratched metal surface of the table as she spoke . " I went straight to Eowyn 's after work . She had wanted me to come over after my shift so she could tell me something . Since she was expecting me , I let myself in when I got there . " Leia nodded . " I 've had one forever . Eowyn and her mother Sarah are practically fam - family . " Tears welled up in her eyes and Officer Mack gave her a sympathetic smile . She continued shakily . " I called her name and when no one answered I figured she was asleep or something and went upstairs to her room . " Leia paused , her voice falling to a whisper . " I went to open the door but it h - hit something . When I stepped around it I sa - " Leia closed her eyes . " I saw her . Her eyes were still open and when I touched her she was so cold . " She wiped away the tears that squeezed their way from under her lids . " That 's when I went downstairs and called 911 . " The officer nodded . After twenty years of being a cop it was still hard for him to be around death . " Did you touch anything in the room ? " " I overheard one of the officers asking if anyone found a cellphone . I guess that 's odd , " she said . " Eowyn always had her phone with her . " Leia looked questioningly at Officer Mack before answering . " It was a bit of a shock for him at first , but I mean , it was a shock to me too . A shock for all of us . " she said . " It wasn 't what either of them wanted , but he was coming around . " Officer Mack shrugged and stood up from the table . " That remains to be seen Miss Valenti . " He moved to the door and held it open for her . Leia couldn 't sleep . In the morning her eyes were red and swollen and she had dark bags under them . When she went downstairs to join her parents for breakfast , her mother , to Leia 's relief , immediately called the school to inform them her daughter would not be coming to class for the rest of the week . The only time Leia left the house that day was to visit Adam . She knew being allowed to see him was a long shot but she had to try anyways . Luckily the nice , young police officer she had met the day before ( whose name was Officer Pires ) was there and he agreed to let her see him . He led her to the room she had been questioned in the day before and told her to wait . " How are you doing in here ? " She asked him , though the answer was pretty obvious . Adam was pale , his clothes wrinkled from having slept in them . His eyes were red rimmed and he had deep bags under them . He looked horrible . Adam shrugged . " I 'm great , " he said sarcastically . But more seriously he added , " I 'm just trying to stay together . I don 't want to fall apart in here , you know ? But , " his voice broke , " God , I can 't believe she 's gone . " He moved to one of the empty chairs and collapsed into it . " They think I killed her . " " I just - I can 't believe it . How could anyone think that I would ever hurt her ? Kill her ? Kill m - my child ? " Adam hung his head . " I could never . " Leia had never been the type of person that asked for help . Her mother always told her she was too stubborn for her own good . But trying to find a murderer was more than Leia could do on her own . By the time she came to this conclusion it was well into the early hours in the morning , but she didn 't notice . Growing up , her cousin Dex had always had a knack for finding things out . It was impossible to keep a secret from him . Though he co - owned and helped his father run their family hardware store , Dex did " detective work " on the side . He called it his fun money . And she did . She told Dex the same story she gave the police , only adding in the recent activity . " I know Adam didn 't kill her , he couldn 't have . I don 't know what " forensic evidence " the police think they have , but it probably wouldn 't have been enough to hold him there on its own , " Leia said . " These small town police are grasping at straws . " Leia 's shoulders slumped . " I don 't know . Who would want to kill Eowyn ? You knew her . She was always so sweet . And with a baby coming … " He squeezed his cousin 's hand . " We 'll find out , okay ? Now let 's go talk to this , " he looked at the list , " Victoria person . " Victoria Fry was a bitch . But she was also Adam 's best friend . She lived near the middle school in the " upscale " part of town . The whole town was pretty nice , but the houses near the school were doubled in size and their owners twice as snobby . Dex had walked up behind Leia , and was standing on the front stoop with his hands casually stuffed in his pockets . He flashed Victoria a boyish grin that made his dimples stand out . " Hello to you too . " Tori 's smile faltered only a moment . " Well come in , both of you . " She ushered them inside . " What did you want to talk to me about ? " Not even Dex 's presence could stop the ugly sneer that came over Victoria 's face . " Eowyn ? Why the fuck would I want to talk about that little slut ? " " He has his whole life in front of him ! Fucking Harvard ! And that bitch , " Victoria spat , " is trying to trap him ! They 're only 18 for Christ 's sake . " " I - I was at my Aunt 's all day Saturday , " Victoria said softly . " You can ask my parents . She 's really dead ? " They spent the rest of the day questioning people , with no luck . Everyone had solid alibis and couldn 't supply no insight as to why anyone would want to murder Eowyn . By 7 o ' clock that night Leia was tired , disheartened , and out of suspects . Sarah turned toward her guest . " Baby , can you give me a few minutes ? " She flashed him a flirtatious smile and squeezed his arm . He smiled dopily at her before kissing her cheek and walking away toward the kitchen . Ms . Stone glanced behind her into the house . " I 'm doing fine , Leia . " She turned back the young girl on her porch . " Thanks for coming by . Have a nice night . " |
You clearly have us mistaken for some other Tom and Betty Johnson . My husband and I are ordinary , honest Americans . We live modestly on the rent from our Minneapolis fourplex . Most of the year , we 're not even in Minnesota , so if you 're looking for someone who did something there , it can 't be us . We 're usually in California , at what Tom calls our little love nest in the Morongo Valley . But I 'm sure your people know about that by now . If you 've seen our desert hideaway , you know we live too simply to be doing anything dishonest . You surely saw our basement apartment in Minneapolis . Our California home is like that , small and pretty but not at all fancy . There 's our trailer house and the pergola that Tom built when he was into carpentry one year , and his workshop from our first years there , and not much else except the stars and desert and all of God 's amazing creatures . When you have love , you don 't need much . Tom and I like to go for drives and see the countryside and watch our shows and listen to the radio to keep informed . We hardly ever go into town . People will look at you funny sometimes , and Tom always adores my cooking . We only come back to Minneapolis for the month of July . We love our home in the desert , but it gets pretty warm in summer ! The Twin Cities is a special place for us for so many reasons - - the Aquatennial Parade , all the wonderful events around the lakes , everyone smiling and dressed in their summer clothes , so bright and gay . Not " gay " in the way people mean now ( which is certainly fine by me because I always loved Liberace and Tiny Tim and Elton John ) , but cheerful , the way everyone should be . Tom and I would come to Minneapolis in the summer even if it wasn 't convenient to do the books for our rental property then . That 's all there is to us . You must think we 're awfully dull , and I suppose we are . But Tom and I are happy , and that 's what counts . I wish you would visit me . I could easily convince you this is all a mistake . Of course I 'll answer your questions , but if you think we 're Muslim terrorists or Russian sleeper agents or Cuban spies , you 've got another think coming . I can 't believe you don 't have real threats to America to investigate . However , I know you 're trying to protect us . Since Tom and I have nothing to hide , I 'll answer your questions as fully as I can . My father was Fred Lund . His grandfather came over from the old country , Sweden . My mother was Mary Meyer . Her people were farmers who left Germany before the Revolutionary War . If I was at all hoity toity , I could be in the Daughters of the American Revolution . Daddy owned Lund Feed and Grain in New Gothenburg . He worked hard to give us everything we needed . He and Momma had a traditional marriage : he ran the business , and she ran the home . Some people said Daddy put in long hours so he wouldn 't have to go home and face Momma and the girls , but as Momma said , Daddy understood the value of hard work . A woman simply has to remind a man of what 's expected of him sometimes . My sisters and I had a lovely childhood . We always knew we were very blessed , right up to the night of the fire . Tom doesn 't talk about his family . I think that 's why Momma never understood him . Tom 's father was very strict , a spare the rod and spoil the child man , and Tom surely loved a good time then . If you could 've heard him laugh when I first met him , you would know why our love is forever . Some years since then , he laughs a little like he used to , and some years he doesn 't , but I 'll never forget the sound of his happiness , even if he never laughs quite like that again . I read somewhere that the measure of a man is his ability to laugh in the face of adversity . It was sure true of Tom . His father died in a haying accident when he was fifteen , and three years later , his mother and little brother drowned on a fishing trip when their boat capsized . Tom didn 't let that set him back a bit . He tried to keep the family farm going . When it failed , he did odd jobs . You would think Momma would 've respected his work ethic , but she simply never liked him . Tom says he loved me as soon as he laid eyes on me . I still can 't believe how lucky I am to have him . My sister Nan was the pretty one , and Leigh was the clever one . I was just Boring Betty , but Tom called me Cinderella when he was feeling romantic and the Ugly Duckling when he was being funny . He said I would shine someday , and he was lucky enough to see that first . We met when I was working at the Feed and Grain . I was seventeen , and you know how shy girls are . I thought I would be an old maid for sure . But Tom watched me at the cash register , and then he said , " You 're doing such a fine job , I bet you 'll be running this place soon . " Tom wasn 't much for talking . When he complimented you , you knew he meant it . Tom and I were an item after that . On Saturday nights when he wasn 't off hunting or fishing , I knew what I 'd be doing : California burgers at the Starlite Drive - in , followed by a double - feature at the Rex , and home by eleven . Tom was the perfect gentleman . But he didn 't look like the boys who took out Nan and Leigh . He liked jeans and T - shirts , and he drove a blue Mustang . When he proposed , Momma said I was too young , though I had turned eighteen , and too young for him , though he wasn 't but five years older than me . You might 've heard there was crazy talk about us being cut out of the will if we married . We knew that wasn 't going to happen . Parents just get protective of their children . If not for the fire , my family would 've come to love Tom as much as I do . Afterward , it was too painful to stay in New Gothenburg . We married , because life must go on , and sold the Feed and Grain to buy the fourplex in Minneapolis . It was fun being in the Twin Cities , but we weren 't city people even then . Tom started to get cabin fever in our basement apartment . Even his occasional hunting trip wasn 't enough to cheer him up . He came back from one and suggested we take Route 66 to California to escape the snow . I loved that trip . If you ever get the chance , it 's still wonderful to drive . People who talk about flyover county don 't know what they 're missing . When we reached the West Coast , we loved being in a land where some people don 't know what a snow shovel looks like . California was already expensive , but we found 100 acres in the Morongo Valley that was perfect . Tom could go off hunting or fishing whenever he liked . If he was gone for a few nights , I was never afraid . Our neighbors were cottonwoods and willows , quail and roadrunners , mule deer and coyotes . Then I made a mistake because I loved Tom so . It was obvious he needed some time by himself . I went to visit my cousin in the Iron Range for a week so he could batch it while I was gone . As soon as I started north , I knew I had made a mistake . Call it intuition . I could just tell something would go wrong . I was afraid for our baby , and I hated the idea that if anything happened , Tom wouldn 't be there . I stopped at a gas station and called , and when he didn 't answer , I decided to go home . If he was away hunting , I would be waiting for him when he returned . No man is without weakness . I knew that , but I believed Tom and I had a perfect understanding . I 'd been so trusting , so sure that our love was enough . I was so upset I threw up . Then I felt the most awful pain , and I knew I was losing the baby . Tom took me straight to the hospital and left me there . The doctors could do nothing . First they said our girl was with God . Then they said I would never have another child because I had V . D . But he came to visit . He said he couldn 't bear to lose me . I was the only person who understood him . The others never meant anything . He said he had cleaned up the apartment , and we could go home , and it would never happen again , and I didn 't have to tell anyone , because it would be as if it had never happened . But all I could think about was my dead darling daughter and that girl Tom had been with . All I could wonder was how many others there were . Had there been a girl on every one of his hunting trips ? I told him to just go away and kill himself . Without a word , he left . But after what Tom did , how could I not forgive him ? Isn 't that the Christian thing to do ? There 's good in every religion , because they all teach us to forgive . On our anniversary , we renewed our vows . He 's never gone hunting again . You couldn 't imagine a better husband . Every year since then , he pays for what he did . What good would punishing him now do ? As for our involvement with the police , there were two earlier times when officers came by . I didn 't keep a diary . One was around our twenty - eighth anniversary . The other was maybe ten years ago . Neither was important . I just remember that the nice young men were sympathetic to my loss . Since you asked for as much detail as I can remember , here goes . ( Tom will tell you that 's a mistake ! I can go on sometimes ! LOL ! ) It was early this month . You might think that 's a pleasant time for me , but you would be as wrong about that as you are about everything else . I sometimes find myself crying without knowing if it 's from sadness for my loss or joy for what 's to come . If you 've loved and lost , you know emotions don 't edge each other out . They pile on like dogs that don 't know if they 're clean or filthy . When I heard the doorbell , I patted my eyes with a Kleenex and went to the front door . During those weeks , I always half - expect to see a neighbor with a hamburger hot dish or a plate of Rice Krispie bars , like it was the first time . People bring food when they learn of someone 's hard times . Since I don 't tell anyone about my troubles , I know that 's a silly expectation , but I still have it every year . That didn 't surprise me . He looked like a detective , a dark - haired man in a suit , a bit funny - looking in a handsome way , a little like Columbo and a little like Monk . I liked him most because of his smile . It was kind but still cocky , like Tom 's when we met . " I 'm sorry . " I could tell right away that he was a sensitive man , and that he knew I was sorrowing . Police are like doctors , morticians , and me . So long as you can love , being familiar with loss doesn 't hurt your ability to feel someone else 's pain . It may make it greater . " I 'm investigating the death of a Tom Johnson who previously lived in Fargo . " He held out a picture of that Tom . " I wanted to ask a few questions about the accident . " Was there a pause before he said " accident " ? I didn 't want to leap to conclusions . " Oh , my , " I said . " What happened ? " " He was forty - one and divorced when he bought a ' 65 Mustang on eBay almost exactly a year ago . None of his family knew where he was until yesterday , when he crashed into a tree off Highway 55 doing eighty miles an hour . " Detective Zingermann watched me as if he thought what he 'd said would make me say or do something . How hard it must be to have to give people such terrible news day after day . I said , " Please come in , " and led him down to the apartment . " Would you like a drink ? Coffee ? Tea ? A beer ? A man likes a beer , so there 's some in the fridge . My husband does . " His face got even kinder . I knew I was right to like him . " Nothing for me , thank you , ma ' am . " He glanced at my shelves of china dogs and Barbies . I wanted to give him my best advice about dusting : Leave a can of Pledge on the counter . When company comes , say you were just about to clean . The hard part is remembering to dust the Pledge . " You 've given the place a homey touch . " He frowned as if he might be starting on a headache . I meant to offer him some Excedrin , but I believe I forgot . " I was thinking this doesn 't look like a place where a man would live . " Then he squeezed his brown eyes shut , as if they were tired and blurry . I looked around my little living room and saw he was right . Tom doesn 't like frills , and never did . If he had his way , I would never have been able to buy the Victorian living room set . Tom would 've wanted black leather and chrome and automobile pictures . Detective Zingermann squinted several times , like men do when they 're struggling to understand something they need to know , then nodded . " Yes , ma ' am . It looked funny . But the world 's full of funny - looking stuff . " He wanted to go , but it was nice having a man in the apartment again , even if he wasn 't Tom . I insisted he have tea , and we talked about the Minnesota Twins and the Dodgers and the weather . Detective Zingermann was excellent company . When he left , I was sorry I wouldn 't see him again , but it 's best to keep life simple . The next day , I went looking for Tom . Besides Minnesota , I 've found him in the Dakotas , Wisconsin , Iowa , and Illinois . I even found him up near Winnipeg once , but I don 't like to drive far these days . The internet has been an enormous help . This year , I was sure he was up near Bemidji . I will always love the sight of pine and spruce and birch and poplar against the blue summer sky . I saw fishing boats on the lakes and joggers and families picnicking by the roadsides until I couldn 't help but sing about summertime and easy living . Summer really doesn 't last long enough . A perfect day was made more perfect by the anticipation of finding Tom . I stopped for blueberry pancakes and coffee at a couple of Denny 's and enjoyed picturing how I would come back to them the next day and get tables for two . The nicest thing about a long drive is you can stop to eat often and no one wonders about your appetite . I arrived in Bemidji around 5 : 30 . I can never be sure when the best time to catch Tom will be , but that window between work and supper is usually good . I was imagining we might go somewhere for a walleye dinner , then drive through the night singing together - - I never cared what his voice was like . I found the apartment without any trouble at all , thank you , Google ! You can 't imagine what hunting for Tom was like in the beginning . I rang the bell , and a blond man in a plaid work shirt and jeans answered . I liked his eyes in his Facebook photo , and I thought it was almost certainly him , but I always ask . " Are you Tom Johnson ? " I heard someone coming toward the door . A Native American girl appeared behind him , smiling and showing the ring on her finger . " He 'll be updating that . " She looked at Tom , but he was quiet . Toni said , " Tom ? Who - - " I said quickly , " I was looking for a Tom Johnson I used to know , but clearly I 've got the wrong one . Tom ? Treat her well . " I hurried away . I wasn 't as disappointed as you might think . I don 't always find Tom on the first try . A Tom Johnson near Mankato seemed likely . There is never a shortage of possibilities for my Tom . After a lovely breakfast of buttermilk pancakes at Perkins , I was on my way south when my cell phone rang . I pulled over to answer . ( I never , never talk on the phone while driving . ) A woman said , " Mrs . Johnson ? I 'm Supervisory Special Agent Esther Falkner with the FBI . I believe Detective Zingermann visited you the other day . " Life was more pleasant when all phones had wires . Then a drive was a drive , and you could be alone in a car with a friend or your thoughts . I said , " I 'll be glad to do anything I can to help . I 'm on a little vacation trip right now , though . Shall I call you when I get home ? " I respect the law and the police , but I don 't think they have the right to tell people what to do for no good reason . " Miss Falkner , I 'm not going to ruin my trip . I 'll be home tomorrow . You can call me then . " To prove I meant it , I turned my phone off . I only have it for emergencies , anyway . But my drive had been spoiled . Instead of admiring the forest , I kept wondering why Detective Zingermann hadn 't understood that Tom and I weren 't the people he was looking for . Something seemed wrong . My worry was confirmed after my second breakfast in Little Falls . Shortly after Clear Lake , a police car raced up behind me with its lights flashing . I can be so stupid sometimes . I thought I hadn 't seen a speed limit sign or a tail light was out . I put my hands on the steering wheel like Tom taught me and watched in the mirror as two policemen got out . Then a dark sedan that I hadn 't noticed pulled over in front of me . The passenger was a big , blond , handsome man . The driver would be very pretty if she lost twenty pounds and put a little more effort into her make - up , and her suit really did not flatter her . You should tell her to wear greens and blues . Brown is not her color . I 'm so stupid . I thought someone must be hiding in my back seat . My heart began to race , and I thought , " Thank God the police are here ! " The driver held up a wallet with a badge . " FBI . Mrs . Johnson , I 'm Special Agent Daphne Worth and this is Special Agent Daniel Brady . Please step out of the car and make no sudden moves . " I wanted to laugh . I said , " Dear , I 'm sixty - two years old . There 's nothing to be afraid of . I got a call from a Miss Falkner , who said there 's some sort of mix - up . " " Yes , " I told him . " I 'd like you to start counting . You and these other officers , please shoot Miss Worth if she doesn 't drop her gun by the time you reach thirty . " Mr . Brady and the two officers swung their guns toward Miss Worth , and Mr . Brady began counting . You should be very proud of that girl . Her gun stayed on me the whole time while she said , " Brady ! Danny ! She 's a gamma . This is what she does - - she gets in your head . Pushes you around . Come on , Danny , push back . You 're a stubborn sonofabitch , you don 't let people do this to you . Fight her ! " " You want to stop me from finding Tom again . What kind of help is that ? " As she frowned , I told the men , " Don 't let her say anything . Even if you have to shoot her . Mr . Brady , are other FBI agents on their way ? " Miss Worth was staring at him as he took out his phone . I told her , " If you say anything , they 'll have to shoot . What good would that do ? " He had to think about it a little - - Momma always said a man needs to believe what you want him to do is his own idea . Once I asked him again , he pointed at Miss Worth . " If I kill her , my boss will call in everything he 's got , including the National Guard and maybe some nukes . If I don 't , she 'll say what car we 're in and which way we headed . " I told the officers , " Do that . And don 't answer your phone or radio . And don 't shoot Miss Worth , but don 't let her escape , either . " I looked at Mr . Brady . " Will that do ? " As soon as the officers drove off with Miss Worth in the back seat , Mr . Brady used his badge to flag down the first man who drove by . In the car , I asked the driver , a Mr . Norder , if he knew of a man living alone where no one would find us . A farm near Sobieski belonged to a widower named Ericsson . Everything Mr . Norder said about Mr . Ericsson 's place sounded perfect to Mr . Brady . He was struggling , so I patted his thigh . I hope I don 't shock you by saying it 's a very nice thigh . " It 's fine , Dan . You can tell me . " " Zingermann said he knew you had nothing to do with the death , but when he was typing his report , he couldn 't think of a reason why . Wanting some details for the report , he Googled ' Tom Johnson Ford Mustang July 8 ' to see if anyone mentioned seeing it online . And . . . . " " He found four Tom Johnsons who died in Ford Mustang crashes on July 8th of four different years . Which set him going through police records . A Tom Johnson died in a Ford Mustang within four hundred miles of the Twin Cities on July 8 every year for the last twenty - two years . Different states or counties , but it 's always a Mustang and always a Tom Johnson . " I could feel the tears building . I bit my lower lip to distract me , because I don 't believe in self - pity . I know I 'm very fortunate . " I just know how to talk to men . " The idea that I might have had something to do with Tom 's accident made me sick . I said , " I don 't want to talk about it , " and we didn 't . Dan had been in theatre , and Mr . Norder is in his church 's choir , so we sang hymns as we took country roads to the farm where Mr . Ericsson lived . Isn 't it strange how people can know the same hymn , but with different words ? I had to teach them the right ones . Then I asked Mr . Norder to forget he had ever seen us and go home . I can 't say much about that night . The house was small , but there was a fan in the garage , so Mr . Ericsson made a bed out there and didn 't bother us at all . Dan fixed dinner , and while I was eating the best steak I 've ever tasted , I knew I was looking for Tom in all the wrong places . I told Dan , " You 're Tom Johnson , and you love me with all your heart . " It seems funny that we hadn 't both known it all along . My Tom came back to me in perfect innocence . I 'm not talking about sex . I 'm talking about two people holding each other . He listened while I told him everything I knew about him , and how hard it is to have him die every year , but how wonderful it is to know he 'll always be there for me . You know the rest . The next morning , as we drove toward the church to begin our new life , you people were planning how to ruin it . I will never forgive myself for thinking that keeping Mrs . Worth from speaking would silence her . I know young people text . You should give her a raise . The church in New Gothenburg looks much as it did when Tom and I were first married there , but there are changes each year - - good changes at first , like the new wing for the Sunday School . And then there were sad ones as the congregation grew smaller , the chairs and carpet wore out and weren 't replaced , and Pastor Bob grew old . Pastor Jack took his place , and began aging in turn . Pastor Bob renewed our vows for the first four years , but I never really liked him because I could tell when Tom and I first married , Pastor Bob thought it was too soon after my family 's death . I never felt bad when Pastor Bob forgot about the service afterward . But I liked Pastor Jack . The slow death of the church was not his fault . Last year , Pastor Jack looked so very tired . I went in with Tom hoping to see Pastor Jack with a big smile on his face . The church was empty , which was no surprise on a weekday . In the office , a Chinese woman was typing on an old computer . I didn 't like her looks - - a church office is no place to fuss over being stylish . I wondered if she was married to one of Bill Lo 's boys , and I made a mental note to dine at the Golden Dragon Cafe after the wedding . When she looked over the top of her computer at us , her face seemed guarded , but sometimes that 's just how people see Tom and me . Envy is everywhere . I said , " Hello . We 're looking for Pastor Jack . " As the Chinese woman stood , a middle - aged dark - haired woman in a suit stepped out of the pastor 's office . She wore small gold earrings and a gold wedding band . She put her hand out to me and said , " I 'm sorry . Pastor Jack died last year . May I help you ? " I 'm afraid I panicked . Tom and I should have just turned around and walked out . Heaven knows there are plenty of other churches in that part of Minnesota , and plenty of ministers . But that was Tom 's and my church . If you 've never been deeply in love , you can 't know how much these things mean . Everything was perfect , until now . Now it would all be ruined . You see how it was , don 't you ? You say you know how people think . So you 'll understand why I felt so angry and helpless , and why I did what I did . He did it for love . Once I 'd reminded him of our years together , how could he not fight when our happiness was threatened ? A man protects and treasures what he loves . But I felt dizzy , and everything seemed slow all of a sudden , and I thought , instead of Modesty Blaise and Willy Garvin , we 'd become Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow , and I didn 't like that so much . Everything moved slowly except the dark - haired woman . She was almost a blur . She had Tom 's wrist in both hands , and shoved his arm down to point the gun at the floor , and Tom made a noise , a little grunt , as if she 'd hurt him . He went stiff in a horrible way , as if his muscles were pulled tight and might break his bones . He couldn 't even put out his hands to break his fall . I heard his forehead hit the wooden floor , and I screamed . Mrs . Worth didn 't turn that terrible thing off until she was right beside him . Then she and the dark - haired woman got Tom 's arms behind him , and Mrs . Worth put handcuffs on him . He struggled and groaned , but the dark - haired woman said , " It 's over . For Mrs . Johnson 's sake , don 't fight us . " The Chinese woman had a gun pointed at me . " I will kill you if you move , Mrs . Johnson . I don 't know how many cold - hearted bitches you 've met in your life , but this one has a gun with a full magazine and is very pissed about what you did to her best friend . Do you understand me ? " I 'm not a young woman , and I 've got brittle bones , even though I always drank plenty of milk . I couldn 't run from them . That 's when I began to cry . Now I know the dark - haired woman was Mrs . Falkner . She said , " It 's all right , Mrs . Johnson . We 're going to take you someplace where you 'll be very well cared for . You 'll have your own room , and garden privileges if you cooperate . And the meals are better than where I work . It 's not a punishment . It 's a place to heal . " P . S . When we came out of the church , three men stood across the street wearing big earphones like people at airports have . You couldn 't have been the tall Mexican boy whose clothes looked too big for him . Were you the small white man with the receding hair and the rifle ? Or the beautifully - dressed black man next to him ? Either way , I thought you looked very nice . You could be my Tom . Black widow , Brady thought . Killer cougar . Neither phrase got the taste of bile out of his mouth . He shoved the pages of Betty Johnson 's letters back in order , jabbed them into their folder , and slapped it closed . That was about as useful as any symbolic gesture : in other words , like tits on a bull . Inside , she was still a fragile eighteen - year - old , a wounded woman of forty . Her version of her life story was all shell and hollow inside like a chocolate Easter rabbit . Perfect , shiny , sweet . Anything else would have been too much like real life , where the ugly duckling never changed , and Prince Charming was the wolf . Brady hadn 't become Tom Johnson . He hadn 't had Tom Johnson 's memories - - any Tom Johnson ; those had fallen out of the shattered skulls of twenty - two men dead behind the wheels of wrecked Mustangs . Any competent director would have given him more to work with . The character he 'd played was as hollow as the play itself . And how sad was that : Betty Johnson 's delusion orbiting tightly around an empty man - shaped space ? Nothing she 'd done to Brady was as bad as what life had done to her . Love the sinner , hate the sin . He 'd been the dream boyfriend in a teen romance . He 'd been a Ken doll . When he 'd returned to himself , what he wanted more than anything was to crush Betty Johnson 's throat between his two hands . She nodded , and hitched one charcoal - trousered hip onto the edge of his desk . " Or let Reyes have his debriefing . Though I understand why you wouldn 't want to talk about how it worked , and for the record , so does he . He 's just hoping you 'll overcome your . . . " She turned up one corner of her mouth , which told Brady she really did understand . " . . . natural reticence . " Brady snorted . And Falkner didn 't move away , which meant either she or he still had something to say . He was surprised to realize after a moment of silence that it was him . He couldn 't get the next sentence out , but Falkner stepped in , thank God . " She associated sexual intimacy with her husband , and transferred the association to what she witnessed when she walked in on him raping and killing Valerie Pierce . Once she converted , it became part of her mythology : perfect , sexless affection . The opposite of what she saw her husband do . " " No . Not really . Shit , okay , not at all . But excuse me if I 'm not looking forward to explaining how it felt to be a brain - fucked hand puppet . " Falkner just nodded , as if that hadn 't been the crudest , angriest thing he 'd ever said to her . He took a moment to steady his voice and his hands . Then he tapped the file folder . " The Tom Johnson she found in Bemidji . She could have made him walk out on his girlfriend . She 'd kill a man over and over , but she wouldn 't bust up a relationship . " " No , " said Falkner . It surprised him into turning his eyes up to hers . She added , " But they want it . And wanting it isn 't what makes them monsters . " She gathered the folder off his desk . " I 'll file this with the rest of the case docs . " He waited until he was in the truck with the AC running before he pulled out his phone . He 'd deleted the number from the directory ( and felt so fucking virtuous about doing it , too ) , but he could still find it , by sight , in the list of past numbers called . It seemed as if it rang for a long time , but Brady knew better than to judge by his own perceptions right now . He was right , and Brady was an idiot for assuming they were going to behave like high - school girls ( Teen romance , he thought , and squirmed ) . But then , his noble fucking breakup scene might have been lifted straight out of one of those idiot books Lau sometimes made him do dramatic readings from , when they got together for beer and pizza . His part of the scene , anyway . Gray hadn 't got the director 's memo , and had been playing an adult . " Hell , neither do I . And I don 't want to be one anymore , either . I want to get it through my head that the world doesn 't end if I fuck up , and that I 'm not allowed to make anybody else 's choices , and I want to deserve - - " What you want , and what you deserve , and the space between the two . " - - another chance . With you . " At that , Brady 's throat closed up tight ; he couldn 't have said another word if he 'd had a gun to his head . Brady thought he heard skepticism , and hoped he was wrong . " The difference between a real sixteen - year - old and me is , I know I can 't have everything . " He swallowed down his hoarseness and said , " Can we have coffee sometime ? Just coffee . Just to talk . " Jesus at the circus , right now I don 't think I could even hold hands . He shivered like a dog kicking in its dreams . Brady thumbed the red button and let his spine sag for the first time in weeks . It may not be far or fast , but the puppet can goddamn move by himself . That would have to be enough for now . |
Posted on September 30 , 2012 by Writer Jim Johan the Fiddler was one of the most legendary patrons of the Stag and Dragon , greatest of the inns along the Forest Road . Heroes and villains alike could be found under its wide eaves , but from time to time this aged musician seated himself by the fire and ordered hot mulled wine . He would produce his lap fiddle , and weave a sad song over the heads of all in the room . He pulled his hood down , and without fail he said " Once , when I was a younger man , I traveled far from paths and roads . I sought the Blackwood , and the things within it . During my travels through the southern mountains , I met a man who showed me the sublime truth of music , and I turned myself to its study forever after . " It was high in a mountain pass , with the mountain 's firs hung heavy about me , where I met him . I had lost my way , and stumbled blindly upward . I found a stream trickling down , so I traced it to its source . I climbed a waterfall and skirted a pair of trolls to do it , but I came to a great and beautiful lake . Like a hound , it was wrapped around the feet of the mountains beyond , which rose into the morning mist and left sight . The lake was still as the forest around it , and quiet settled over all . " That 's when I saw him , a man of noble dress seated on a stump at the water 's edge . He held a lap fiddle in his arms , and he looked out on the water in equal stillness . I approached him , blade bare , but never did he glance at me or move one inch . He merely picked up the bow of his fiddle , and began to play . " The fog pressed in around us in those first , mournful notes . I felt the burden of a heavy heart , the kind that only lost love can create . I seemed to see her in the mist , and hear her melancholy in the lap fiddle 's song . She cried , but no solace came , for her light , my light , had left . It left her in a world of rain and misery as she walked , jostled by every passerby , beaten but unbowed . " Then the song changed , and the abiding sadness was swept up into a fiddler 's passion . I felt all the thrill of life from every leaf and branch , the lake cleared like air and I saw its every depth , and the call of every bird seemed to be held in the fiddle 's vital playing . It was sturdy music , timeless as the trees themselves , and I saw the frivolity of the lives of men . " But finally , a third movement arrived . This one combined the first two , with a third theme that was forever transfixed between them . I felt the need to choose , to reach out and grab hold of something , anything , but my own nature would not let me . Lacking this , I wanted to make my life a monumental bridge between two worlds , to sway between them until the world 's end . " " With his last chord , " he would say , and only then would the patrons realize he had not spoken for some time . " I understood the power of music , when before I had only heard its beauty . I cast my sword into the lake , fell at his feet , and from that day these hands have held nothing but this lap fiddle . " Posted on July 8 , 2012 by Writer Jim Good children stay safe in their beds when the sun has set over the Blackwood . To rise at night and travel through the dark wood is to forsake all reason and to court folly . By the light of day , the Blackwood is a wild land without mercy for the foolish , but at night the magic in every leaf and stem , or brook and cave shines forth . Even the bravest hunters only take to the darkened Wood at great need , and they invoke all that their ancestors may provide to do so . Once , when I was a girl , there was a boy just my age named Georg . He was a vain and foolish boy , and all the children were wary of him because he was fond of going out into the Wood . He would journey out in the morning and sometimes not come back until well after midday meal . One boy saw Georg balancing on logs and climbing over rocks , and heard him laughing and carrying on like he thought he was an elf . Some people heard him say that he wanted to talk to the elves . Well one morning , the children were all playing on the village green when they we spotted Georg peering out from behind the village elder 's hall . His face was pure white , and he beckoned us to join him . One boy ran over to see what he wanted , and when he returned he said " Georg has a story to tell us . He says it 's important . " So we all ran after Georg until we had found a shaded spot behind a woodcutter 's hut . It was there that Georg told us his tale . The night before , after his parents had gone to sleep , he snuck out of their hut and went into the Wood . He couldn 't find the elves in the day , so he would try the wood at night . Oh , he knew the stories , but he thought that he knew the Wood well enough to walk it after dark . He told us that the wood twisted and turned all around him . Clouds covered the moon , and at every turn there was a raking branch or tripping root to waylay him . At one point , he had to crawl through a thicket he had fallen into , and just when he though he would make it no further , he stumbled out into a torchlit clearing . The sky was black overhead , and a great hall loomed large before him . Strange music could be heard coming from within the hall , and his courage led him to the door . A tall man with rich clothing and a strange face welcomed him inside . " You have entered Waldenhall , child . Come , and behold wonders ! " There , Georg saw many thing that none of us believed . He saw great deer holding feasts at table , and squirrels fighting duels in the rafters . There were women with light in their hair , and tiny folk with greedy faces . They told him they were elves , and that he was welcome in their hall to make merriment and eat well . He sat at their table and shared their food and drink . He listened to their many fine minstrels , and laughed at the stories they would tell . In time , he came to notice a dark figure in the corner . He was squatting on a shelf , and looking at him was like stepping into a dream . The figure 's skin was an iron - heavy shadow , and his eyes were red like two wells of blood . The very walls seemed to slip and twist around him , and it was impossible to break his gaze . Georg didn 't move from the table all night , yet he felt as though he had been pursued through backwards corridors for hours . He escaped and made his way back to the village , but he only found his way after the sun rose . He had been awake all night , yet he could not rest , for fear of being pursued by the shadow creature . We all laughed at him and named him a fool , and went about our play . He remained there for some time , then sulked off to the cottage of his parents . They whipped him for going into the Wood , and sent him to bed with no supper . We all had fits in our sleep that night , and when we woke we found that Georg had died . His father found him stock still and blue as a deep pool . His chest was covered in bruises , like he had been crushed , and all the children recalled the image of the crouching figure in the woodland hall , and how Georg swore that it seemed like an unnaturally weighty fellow . Good children do not seek the wood after dark , and wise adults know why . Too often do they hold service for loved ones who tempt the tangled depths , and don 't even leave a body to bury . Be a good child , for your father 's sake and for mine . Posted on April 26 , 2012 by Writer Jim One day a long time ago , there was a little bird with feathers all of brown . It was always hungry , because all of the other birds were larger and ate all the food before the little bird could find it . Then , when the little bird was flying in search of food , it came upon a great castle in the forest . The little bird landed in a window , and looked down on a great feast being held by the King . The King wore richly - colored robes , and sapphires were set in his golden crown . " If only I were a king , " said the little bird . " Then I could have all the food I needed . " This made the little bird sad , and it began to cry . " Such a silly thing , to cry , " said a voice , causing the bird to jump in surprise . A person no bigger than the bird was standing on the window 's ledge , dressed in clothes made of a single leaf . " The little bird is sad , and small , and hungry . Such a silly thing , to be hungry ! " " I believe you , " said the little person , mischief in its eyes . " Yes ! Yes ! All birds shall bow to the Bird King ! " And so the little person raised its hands high , and its legs turned into tree stumps while stardust drifted through its fingers . The little person laughed , and each laugh was like a step stone that carried the little bird up into the sky . The little bird began to grow , and its feathers changed from brown to every color of flower . Blue feathers sprouted from its head and neck , bright and sleek as sapphires . Its tail grew long , turning into a fan of green and purple and yellow . It 's body began to change at the wing - tips into a burning orange , fading into red and then white . But before the colors could finish spreading , a cruel wind blew out of the sky and hit the little bird on the back . " Ha ha ! " laughed the wind , which looked like a gusty little person . " He makes you regal , and I make you serve ! No further will your feathers change , and your heart will remain small enough to bear an elven rider ! " The little bird cried out , but it was too late . Now it was big and beautiful , save for a saddle of brown just between its wings . The little bird and its hatchlings became known as the King Pheasants , but no matter how much the birds of the forest came to love them , the King Pheasants always suffered to bear an elf whenever one appeared . Posted on March 22 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not long ago , a young man of the Riverfolk went to visit his cousins in the Wood . Because he had come such a long way , and because his Woodfolk cousin had just learned the trade of hunting , they decided to go with some of their friends into the Wood , to swim in a beautiful pool and also to test their courage . Three young men and two young women set out on that day . " I am tired , " said one of the young men . " Let us take a nap . " The others realized they were tired as well , and so each found a comfortable spot and rested their heads . But the Riverman could not sleep , because the Wood was strange and frightful to him . " I am being foolish , " he said to himself . " This is nothing but a forest , and these are nothing but trees . " So to screw up his courage , the Riverman decided that he would leave the small clearing he and the others had found . He took three , and four , and five steps , and still nothing happened . " What a great fool I was ! " he said , laughing . " I will hide and scare my friends . Then they will think that we Riverfolk are much better than Woodfolk . " So the young Riverman found the crook of a large tree root , and laid down beyond it . From his hiding spot , he could no longer see his friends back in the clearing , but he heard one of them snoring . But as the Riverman waited for his friends to wake , he caught a familiar scent drifting through the air . " That smells just like the pies my mother bakes ! " And since the Wood held no fear for him , and since he remembered the way back to his friends in the clearing , he decided to see where the smell had come from . He wandered toward the smell until he came to a cottage with the sun kissing its roof here and there . A garden lay beside it , and smoke was rising from the chimney . An old woman stood in the doorway , holding a great pie . Her eyes met the Riverman 's , and he walked into the cottage with her . " Might I trouble you for a piece of your pie ? " Said the Riverman . " Of course , my dear . " Replied the old woman , and she put a slice on a plate for him . The Riverman ate , but he didn 't notice that with each bite he grew much fatter . Soon he was so fat that he couldn 't stand , and the old woman laughed a cruel laugh . " You are mine now , to do with as I please . " " But my friends will come and rescue me ! " The Riverman wailed . " One is a hunter with keen eyes , and another is a wise woman in her village ! " But the woman just laughed all the more cruelly . " The tracking eyes of your hunter will do him no good , and no wisdom in the world can teach where I am . You are mine , and the Elves are coming . " Much later , the Woodfolk awoke in the clearing and wondered where their friend had gotten off to . A few thought to go separate ways and find him , but the hunter said " To walk the Wood alone is foolish . We will look for him together , but we must be back in the village by nightfall . " The others knew the stories of werewolves and evil things , and the thought made them shudder . So they left the clearing to search for the boy . The hunter used the best of his tracking skills , but he only lead them in large circles . " He must be following our tracks , too . We will wait for him here . " And while they waited , the wise woman thought of the stories she had heard . " I cannot think of where he might be . It is like a riddle that I used to know , but have forgotten . " They sat and thought for a long time , until suddenly a troll came crashing from the Wood and scattered them . Each fled a separate way , and by the time the sun had set only the wise woman had made her way back to the village . The others were never found again . Posted on March 21 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , a long time ago , there was a girl who lived in a village deep in the Wood . She was a restless girl , who finished her chores early and liked to skip along the edge of the village , near the flower and herb gardens of the woman who lived alone . She was just like you . That little girl said the same things you did . " I am not scared of some old woman . " She said . " I like the flowers , and to prove I 'm not scared , I will pick some for my mother . " So the girl went into the flower garden , and when her friends screamed because the witch was looking out of her window at the girl , the girl paid her no mind and gathered a big bouquet for her mother . But her mother knew exactly where the flowers came from , just like I do , and she threw them out the window . " You have been a bad girl ! " Her mother screamed , brandishing the spoon with which she was stirring the night 's stew . " Go to your bed , and do not set foot upon the ground until I tell you ! " So the girl sat on the bed , crying to herself as the sun started to fall from the sky . After what seemed like a very long time , the girl was startled by a strange noise . She peered over the corner of the bed just in time to see a tiny pair of boots disappear underneath her bed . " Who 's there ? " she said , straining to look into the darkness beneath her . " It is I ! " a small voice said , as a man about the size of a potato walked out from under her bed . He wore small yellow boots , and his clothes were made out of leaves . His hair and eyes were the color of moss , and small butterfly wings sprouted from his shoulders . " Your mother is a mean woman , but if you close your eyes I 'll take you my home , and you can roam wherever you like ! " But the little man just hopped up into her lap and pinched her nose . " Silly girl , my home is big enough for anyone ! Won 't you come see ? " The little girl thought about the flowers lying broken on the ground outside , then agreed to go with the little man . " Take me to you home ! " She said , and the little man smiled and placed a log under the sheets of her bed . " So your parents will never know you have left ! " He said , eyes twinkling . She closed her eyes , and no sooner were they shut than she felt very sleepy , and laid down her head for a nap . When she awoke , she found herself in the Wood . She was next to a well , and the day had not yet fallen into dusk . The little man was standing atop the well , and he beckoned her with his hands . " Come down the well , and you will see my home ! " So the little girl hopped into the well with the little man , and splashed into the water at the bottom . There was a door at the bottom , and when the little man opened it she stepped out into a cozy room with a fireplace and a table with lots of food . There were many strange men and women around the table . Some were tall and some were short , and some were fat and some were thin . Some had hair of many colors , and others had no hair at all . Each wore different clothing , and all of them looked quite silly while they sat and talked . " Why , these are my brothers and sisters ! Come sit , and eat with us ! " And so the little girl sat and ate , and the little man 's brothers and sisters told stories and danced and made the little girl laugh for a long time . The little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed when the little man and his brothers and sisters started to change . It happened slowly , but some of their eyes darkened , and the room darkened with them . Some of them became hunched and their teeth sharpened , and the room sharpened with them . Some of them changed to very strange , upsetting colors , and the room changed with them . But the little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed any of it , because the Elves are such great tricksters . She only learned what was happening when they brought out their sharp forks and knives , and they threw her in their stew pot , and used her screams as a spice for their stew . Posted on March 9 , 2012 by Writer Jim Long ago , when men had only just begun to gather in cities , there were two kingdoms in the up in the lofty mountains unlike anything the world had seen . One lay in a shadowed valley where many sweet things grew , and the other was perched on a high cliff . These were the kingdoms of Winter and Summer . They were ruled by two brothers who had bickered all their lives , using the armies of the Two Kingdoms to settle their quarrels . One year , after a very long summer of fighting , the Two Kingdoms hunkered down to weather the snows of winter . This year , the snows piled higher than they ever had , and many people in the Winter Kingdom died . Even in the Summer Kingdom , where hot springs protected its people from the worst winter 's storms , many people took ill and died , though they had food in plenty . No scouts left from either of the castles of the Two Kingdoms , for no one could travel the roads without great peril . And so it happened that one night in the middle of winter the Summer King laid himself down to sleep . He kicked and sweat through most of the night , and in the quiet hour before dawn he jerked upright in his bed . " Who goes there ? " he bellowed , frightful eyes darting to and fro . " Who disturbs the sleep of the King ? " For a long time , there was no response but the sound of the wind as it rushed by outside . But then , without warning , the great wooden shutter of his window burst inward , filling the room with wind and cold . The Summer King clutched his heavy blankets close , but nothing came of the wind and noise . Some days later , the Summer King went walking through his gardens . The sun was high in the sky as he came to one of his favorite hot pools , where he saw a beautiful woman . She wore robes all of white , and she sat gazing into the pool while she brushed her long , golden hair . The woman laughed at him as the sunlight danced with her hair . " I have seen you all abed , shaking beneath your sheets . You are not so big and brave as you wish . " The woman stood , and her bearing was regal and terrible to behold . " Take care with your deeds , child of Man . " the woman said , her voice aglow with the power of command . " You chide defenseless women for their harmless mirth , and think to raise blades against them . All the while , your brother the Winter King lies at the door of death in his northern fortress . Mend your ways , foolish man , or I and my sisters will take you away into great light and heat , and you will surely die . " " If your brother the Winter King should die by your deeds or your negligence , know that all his folk and all yours too shall melt like the snows melt with the dawning of spring . You have been warned . " The White Woman turned , and all the light in the garden dimmed as she left . Alone with his thoughts , the Summer King hied himself to his castle , there to meet with his council and to make ready his plans . When he reached the great hall , his champion saw that he was distraught , and said " My liege ! Show me the foe , and I will take their heads and lay them at your feet ! " Thinking that the Winter King and his armies had come raiding through the storms . " Fools ! " the Summer King said , his great voice booming off the walls . " My brother lies in his bed , sick unto death from starvation . I cannot sit by and allow him to die , though long have I cursed his every breath . " Soon the sleds flew over the earth like birds , and the Summer King 's laughter could be heard far and wide . They came to the gates of the Winter Castle and smote upon the door three times . " We bring gifts ! " The Summer King cried , mirth in every word . " We bring salvation ! " The people of the Winter Kingdom were amazed when they opened the door , for the Summer King shone like the sun , and his mead glittered like gold as it splashed upon the floor . The Summer King went to his brother , who drank from the Summer King 's own horn , and as he did the Summer King bellowed laughter and spoke . " It is an ill omen that kin should come to blows . Drink , brother ! Remember the summer you have lost , and let us know peace . " And the Winter King piled his own wagons high with the work of his finest craftsmen , and with the written histories of his wisest elders , and set out for the Summer Kingdom . There he met with his brother the Summer King , saying " The land yields great riches when kin are at peace . Take these gifts , my brother . Store them against the coming winter , and let us know peace . " And since those days , the Kingdoms of Winter and Summer have lived in peace in their mountain lands . The fates decide which kingdom shall reign with the coming of each new season , and each comes to bow before the sovereignty of the other . Their lands know great peace , and woe betide any who should seek to disturb them . Posted on March 6 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not so long ago , there was a man in the Blackwood who had two sons . The first was handsome and intelligent and could manage everything , but the second was so stupid that he could neither understand nor learn anything . Whenever people saw the second son , they would shake their heads and say " He will be a burden upon his father ! " The first son did everything around the house and performed many errands , but would never go out at night because he was very afraid of the dark . At night , the family would gather around the fire to tell stories , and the first son would often shudder , saying " Please ! Tell me no more frightening tales ! " And the father would shudder too , because he had scared himself with his own stories . The second son , huddled in the corner , would think to himself , " How sad ! Fear is one more thing I don 't understand . " One day , the father came into the house and saw his second son huddled in the corner . " You there ! You are almost a man grown . You are big and strong , and it is time you learned a skill to earn your bread . Leave this house , and do not return until you have learned a skill . " The second son rose and looked his father in the eyes . " Father , I do want to learn something . I don 't understand what it means to be afraid , but I know I will learn if I work very hard . " The oldest song laughed at this brother when he heard this . " By the Silverheart ! " He said , " Even the trolls are smarter than my brother ! He will be useless for as long as he lives . " So the second son left the house of this father to learn what fear was . As he was walking , he came upon a Priest of Unity who was gardening outside his modest Temple . " The Priest is a wise man , a man who can read and write , " said the boy . " I will ask him if he can teach me what fear is . " And so he did , and the Priest laughed at him . " Yes , " the Priest replied . " I will teach you what fear is if you will ring the bells of this Temple at midnight tonight , when the moon has disappeared behind its blanket of clouds . " So the boy did as he was told , and that night at midnight he climbed the tower of the Temple of ring the bells . The Priest , however , sneaked up the tower ahead of him . As the boy grasped the ropes to ring the bells , he saw of a sudden a white figure standing near the edge of the tower . " Who is there ? " shouted the boy . When the white figure did not answer , the boy said " Speak or be gone . You have no business here at night . " When the ghost did not answer , the boy leapt forward , picked the ghost up , and threw it from the tower . The Priest yelled until he hit the ground , where he lay motionless for a long time . The boy finished ringing the bells , then went down the stairs to look at the intruder . When he saw that it was the Priest , the boy became confused , wondering why the Priest wouldn 't speak to him . He thought for a long time , and when he couldn 't figure it out , he left the Temple and never came back . For many days the boy wandered through the Blackwood , and every night he made a bet with someone that they couldn 't teach him what fear was . Every night they would try to scare him , and every morning they would pay him their money because they had failed . The boy reached an inn deep in the woods , and was about to give up hope . The Innkeeper laughed at the boy , and said " You 've come to the right place ! " The Innkeeper told the boy about a haunted castle not far from there , and any man could learn what fear is if only he could keep watch in the castle for three nights . A nearby lord had decreed that any man who cleansed the castle of ghosts could marry the Lord 's daughter , who was very beautiful . Further , the castle was full of many great treasures that would make a man rich enough , but they were guarded by evil spirits . Many had gone into the castle , but no one had returned . So the boy went to the nearby lord and told him that he would stay in the castle for three nights . The lord saw that the boy was handsome and strong , and so he agreed , and gave the boy wood and tinder for a fire , and a knife to defend himself . The lord took the boy to the haunted castle , helped him build a fire , and told the boy " You must not leave the castle until dawn . " " Too many ! Begone ! " said the boy , and went about hacking with his knife . Several of the spirits fled , but those that he killed he gathered up and threw off the wall down into the moat . The second night , the boy was sitting by the fire and grew very tired . Just at that moment , he noticed a large bed in the corner of the room . He yawned happily and laid down on the bed , but as soon as he had the bed start shaking and moving all around the castle . It moved faster and faster , bumping up and down stairs , down corridors , and through rooms large and small , and all the while the boy laughed louder and louder . Suddenly , the bed turned upside down and pinned the boy to the floor . " No fun ! " said the boy , wriggling out and grabbing the sheets . Just as he did , the bed disappeared . " How strange , " he thought . He went back to the fire , laid down , and fell asleep . So the final night name , and soon a whole troop of dead men walked into the castle , bearing a coffin with them . The boy called to them " Ho there ! I am starved for company , come in ! " As he was coming down from the curtain wall , a tall man was standing by his fire . He was broad of shoulder , with white hair and a long white beard . " You will die tonight , " said the old spirit . " Not so fast , " replied the boy . " If I am to die , you will have to kill me . I think I am as strong as you , and perhaps stronger ! " So the spirit wailed and attacked the boy , and they wrestled together . Soon , the boy grabbed the spirit by his long beard and dragged him to the fire . " If you don 't yield , I will burn you ! " the boy shouted . " Please ! I yield ! If only you will spare me , I will show you great riches ! " said the spirit , the light of fear bright behind his eyes . So the boy released the spirit , and the spirit lead him down deep into the castle . They came to a room with three large chests , each filled with gold . " Of these , one is for the poor , one is for the lord , and the third you may keep , " said the spirit , who disappeared into thin air . Posted on February 29 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , there was a man with three sons . Each were young men , and one day the man got it into his head to send his firstborn boy out into the woods . His firstborn son was tall and strong , and the man knew he could kill a great deer that had been spotted in the woods nearby , and bring it back for a feast . It happened that as he was walking through the forest , he came upon a stream and decided to stop for a drink . Just at that moment , a beautiful maid stepped out from behind a tree . She was wearing the simple dress of a farmer 's daughter , and held her hands coyly behind her back . The firstborn son saw that this made the girl angry , and he began to laugh at her . " Did you want a kiss from me ? " he asked , making fun of her . " Come here , and I will give you a kiss . " After many days , the man began to fear that his firstborn son had left for a larger village . So he sent his second son out to hunt the deer . This son was even larger and stronger than his older brother , but he was foolish , and had never learned anything in his life . " I will go , father , " said the second son . " But I hardly know what a deer looks like . " After many more days , the man feared that his second son had also fled to a larger village . " You are my last son , " said the man . " You must go and find the deer and bring it back . My other sons have run away . " So the third son set out . He was not as tall or as strong as his brothers , but he was a polite young man , and had learned much in his years . He walked through the forest for a few days , then stopped at a stream to examine some tracks . The Hollowback stepped back and fixed her skirts . " Thank you , " she said , hiding her tail . " You are the brother of the two men who came here earlier . They were hunting for a great deer . Come with me , and I will show you where this deer is . " As they were walking , the Hollowback stopped and turned around . " This is the spot where the great deer will be , " she said . Grabbing the third son 's hands , a great wind rushed up and blew all of her clothes away . The two of them laid down , and after a time the great deer approached . Quickly , the Hollowback leapt up and pulled the head off of the deer . " Here is your deer , " she said . " It is time for you to return to your home . " But one day , the third son opened the door of the cottage to find a baby on the doorstep . He took the baby in and cared for it , because he knew it was his child from the Hollowback . When the baby grew to be a young man too , he was the strongest and most handsome man for many leagues around , and many girls wished to be his wife . Posted on February 28 , 2012 by Writer Jim All souls know better than to journey forth when the moon is dead and the stars have vanished from the night sky . At that hour , the sound of heavenly trumpeting is no call to the paradise of the gods of the treeless lands . No , those horns accompany the hooves of dark steeds sparking fire in the night , and the baying of hounds that man was not meant to see . They are the heralds of the Wild Hunt . They say that when the night is deep and black , some travelers come across an old man alone on the road , holding a lantern aloft and leaning on a staff . " Do you hear ? " he asks , though not even the crickets are making their song . " Do you hear the riders ? All good souls should be indoors at such a time and such a place as this . " Those who meet him and hear his words must heed them , and quickly . Those who do not seek the warmth of the hearth will come to gaze upon the Hunt . It is said to be a great host of flying riders , following a pack of hunting dogs and lead by a powerful man with a mighty horn and a long , cold spear . They ride through all the realms of the earth , through the tangle of the Weald and amongst the woods and meadows of the Blackwood , searching for all wayward souls both brave and foolish . Those that they find on their Hunt are seized , bound by strange cords of spirit , and carried off to the Land of the Dead , from which there is no escape . Of all the tales of the Hunt told across the breadth of this Wood , only one tells of a man who saw those Lands and came back to tell the tale . They say his name was Eckhart , and that he made common cause with a woman of the deep woods , who deals in strange things and follows the Old Ways . She told him of the secret paths that lead from the Land of the Dead back into our Midst , asking a token from that world as payment for her knowledge . This man walked those paths , seeing the Meadow of Peaceful Souls and the Hall of the Valiant Dead . He saw the Dead at rest , basking in sunlight or seated at table , and was wont to join them . He saw shadows at the corner of his sight , shadows that preyed upon the light and made him shudder . He saw many splendid things as well , the golden torcs and goblets and all the hoards of the Dead . He reached for those things , but they passed through his hands like mist , and he saw the Land for a place filled with ghosts and memory . In time , Eckhart found the path back to the Midst . He met the woman in the woods walking down an old forest path , and she cursed him for a liar because he brought nothing back for her . She doomed him to last forever in the twilight of his years , unable to reach the rest in the Land of the Dead ever again . Since that day , he has wandered the Wood , bearing a lamp and leaning on a staff , walking endlessly and warning good folk of the approach of the Hunt . Posted on February 26 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , there was a man who lived in the cities along the river who was invited to visit his cousin in the woods . The path to the woodsman 's home was long and tiring , even though the woodsman had moved down from the mountains for the winter . Because the snow had fallen heavily all over the Blackwood , the riverman found it very hard to get on , and soon became tired and hungry . When he reached the home of his cousin , he was greeted warmly by the woodsman and his wife . They gave him a place by their modest hearth , and while he warmed himself they went to a hole in the ground in the corner of their hut , and pulled out their best food for a feast . They had strips of salted venison , dried berries from many different bushes , and on the fire was a stew made from boiled roots . Outside their home , a stream came down from the mountains even in the dead of winter , and they had fresh water whenever they wanted . " Aye , " said the woodsman . " We have food to eat , a roof to shelter us from rain and snow , and walls to hide us from the wolves . Trolls do not often come to this part of the woods , and if they do I shoot them with my bow . " The riverman was appalled . " How can you live with such meager food to feed you , and with so many dangers around you ? Come to visit me in my home in the city . If you spend just one week with me , you will never want to return to your home in the woods ! " When they reached the city , the riverman welcomed his cousin into his home . " I live in the estate of my employer , a wealthy prison warden . We will dine in a nice tavern , just down the street . The woodsman had been to a tavern many years before , but it was a small thing along a lonely road in the Wood , and had little to offer him . This tavern was large and warm , with many tables of people eating all kinds of delicacies . There were cakes and roast pork , and capons and bread fresh from the ovens . The riverman and the woodsman both ate much food , but soon the woodsman began to grow thirsty . The riverman called for beer , and when it arrived he only drank a little , since he knew the winter beer was strong . The woodsman had only had fresh water to drink , though , so he thought the beer was a wonderful thing . Soon he was dancing around the room , whooping and shouting and bothering the tavern 's patrons . " Sit down and stop acting like you just came from the backwoods , making such a row and noise , " said a thief who had come into the tavern . The woodsman laughed at him , so the thief grabbed him by his shoulder and put a knife to his throat . " Give me your money , " the thief said . The woodsman laughed . " Your food and beer may be nice , but no man should be thrown in jail because someone attacked him . I 'll take the woods and the hills any day , and you can keep your wardens and your thieves for yourself , cousin ! " With that , the woodsman fled the city , using the tricks he learned as a hunter to avoid capture . When he returned home , he kissed his wife . " Ancestors preserve me from having such a fine home and such fine food and drink . Why I only just got away with my life ! " |
Posted on September 30 , 2012 by Writer Jim Johan the Fiddler was one of the most legendary patrons of the Stag and Dragon , greatest of the inns along the Forest Road . Heroes and villains alike could be found under its wide eaves , but from time to time this aged musician seated himself by the fire and ordered hot mulled wine . He would produce his lap fiddle , and weave a sad song over the heads of all in the room . He pulled his hood down , and without fail he said " Once , when I was a younger man , I traveled far from paths and roads . I sought the Blackwood , and the things within it . During my travels through the southern mountains , I met a man who showed me the sublime truth of music , and I turned myself to its study forever after . " It was high in a mountain pass , with the mountain 's firs hung heavy about me , where I met him . I had lost my way , and stumbled blindly upward . I found a stream trickling down , so I traced it to its source . I climbed a waterfall and skirted a pair of trolls to do it , but I came to a great and beautiful lake . Like a hound , it was wrapped around the feet of the mountains beyond , which rose into the morning mist and left sight . The lake was still as the forest around it , and quiet settled over all . " That 's when I saw him , a man of noble dress seated on a stump at the water 's edge . He held a lap fiddle in his arms , and he looked out on the water in equal stillness . I approached him , blade bare , but never did he glance at me or move one inch . He merely picked up the bow of his fiddle , and began to play . " The fog pressed in around us in those first , mournful notes . I felt the burden of a heavy heart , the kind that only lost love can create . I seemed to see her in the mist , and hear her melancholy in the lap fiddle 's song . She cried , but no solace came , for her light , my light , had left . It left her in a world of rain and misery as she walked , jostled by every passerby , beaten but unbowed . " Then the song changed , and the abiding sadness was swept up into a fiddler 's passion . I felt all the thrill of life from every leaf and branch , the lake cleared like air and I saw its every depth , and the call of every bird seemed to be held in the fiddle 's vital playing . It was sturdy music , timeless as the trees themselves , and I saw the frivolity of the lives of men . " But finally , a third movement arrived . This one combined the first two , with a third theme that was forever transfixed between them . I felt the need to choose , to reach out and grab hold of something , anything , but my own nature would not let me . Lacking this , I wanted to make my life a monumental bridge between two worlds , to sway between them until the world 's end . " " With his last chord , " he would say , and only then would the patrons realize he had not spoken for some time . " I understood the power of music , when before I had only heard its beauty . I cast my sword into the lake , fell at his feet , and from that day these hands have held nothing but this lap fiddle . " Posted on July 8 , 2012 by Writer Jim Good children stay safe in their beds when the sun has set over the Blackwood . To rise at night and travel through the dark wood is to forsake all reason and to court folly . By the light of day , the Blackwood is a wild land without mercy for the foolish , but at night the magic in every leaf and stem , or brook and cave shines forth . Even the bravest hunters only take to the darkened Wood at great need , and they invoke all that their ancestors may provide to do so . Once , when I was a girl , there was a boy just my age named Georg . He was a vain and foolish boy , and all the children were wary of him because he was fond of going out into the Wood . He would journey out in the morning and sometimes not come back until well after midday meal . One boy saw Georg balancing on logs and climbing over rocks , and heard him laughing and carrying on like he thought he was an elf . Some people heard him say that he wanted to talk to the elves . Well one morning , the children were all playing on the village green when they we spotted Georg peering out from behind the village elder 's hall . His face was pure white , and he beckoned us to join him . One boy ran over to see what he wanted , and when he returned he said " Georg has a story to tell us . He says it 's important . " So we all ran after Georg until we had found a shaded spot behind a woodcutter 's hut . It was there that Georg told us his tale . The night before , after his parents had gone to sleep , he snuck out of their hut and went into the Wood . He couldn 't find the elves in the day , so he would try the wood at night . Oh , he knew the stories , but he thought that he knew the Wood well enough to walk it after dark . He told us that the wood twisted and turned all around him . Clouds covered the moon , and at every turn there was a raking branch or tripping root to waylay him . At one point , he had to crawl through a thicket he had fallen into , and just when he though he would make it no further , he stumbled out into a torchlit clearing . The sky was black overhead , and a great hall loomed large before him . Strange music could be heard coming from within the hall , and his courage led him to the door . A tall man with rich clothing and a strange face welcomed him inside . " You have entered Waldenhall , child . Come , and behold wonders ! " There , Georg saw many thing that none of us believed . He saw great deer holding feasts at table , and squirrels fighting duels in the rafters . There were women with light in their hair , and tiny folk with greedy faces . They told him they were elves , and that he was welcome in their hall to make merriment and eat well . He sat at their table and shared their food and drink . He listened to their many fine minstrels , and laughed at the stories they would tell . In time , he came to notice a dark figure in the corner . He was squatting on a shelf , and looking at him was like stepping into a dream . The figure 's skin was an iron - heavy shadow , and his eyes were red like two wells of blood . The very walls seemed to slip and twist around him , and it was impossible to break his gaze . Georg didn 't move from the table all night , yet he felt as though he had been pursued through backwards corridors for hours . He escaped and made his way back to the village , but he only found his way after the sun rose . He had been awake all night , yet he could not rest , for fear of being pursued by the shadow creature . We all laughed at him and named him a fool , and went about our play . He remained there for some time , then sulked off to the cottage of his parents . They whipped him for going into the Wood , and sent him to bed with no supper . We all had fits in our sleep that night , and when we woke we found that Georg had died . His father found him stock still and blue as a deep pool . His chest was covered in bruises , like he had been crushed , and all the children recalled the image of the crouching figure in the woodland hall , and how Georg swore that it seemed like an unnaturally weighty fellow . Good children do not seek the wood after dark , and wise adults know why . Too often do they hold service for loved ones who tempt the tangled depths , and don 't even leave a body to bury . Be a good child , for your father 's sake and for mine . Posted on April 26 , 2012 by Writer Jim One day a long time ago , there was a little bird with feathers all of brown . It was always hungry , because all of the other birds were larger and ate all the food before the little bird could find it . Then , when the little bird was flying in search of food , it came upon a great castle in the forest . The little bird landed in a window , and looked down on a great feast being held by the King . The King wore richly - colored robes , and sapphires were set in his golden crown . " If only I were a king , " said the little bird . " Then I could have all the food I needed . " This made the little bird sad , and it began to cry . " Such a silly thing , to cry , " said a voice , causing the bird to jump in surprise . A person no bigger than the bird was standing on the window 's ledge , dressed in clothes made of a single leaf . " The little bird is sad , and small , and hungry . Such a silly thing , to be hungry ! " " I believe you , " said the little person , mischief in its eyes . " Yes ! Yes ! All birds shall bow to the Bird King ! " And so the little person raised its hands high , and its legs turned into tree stumps while stardust drifted through its fingers . The little person laughed , and each laugh was like a step stone that carried the little bird up into the sky . The little bird began to grow , and its feathers changed from brown to every color of flower . Blue feathers sprouted from its head and neck , bright and sleek as sapphires . Its tail grew long , turning into a fan of green and purple and yellow . It 's body began to change at the wing - tips into a burning orange , fading into red and then white . But before the colors could finish spreading , a cruel wind blew out of the sky and hit the little bird on the back . " Ha ha ! " laughed the wind , which looked like a gusty little person . " He makes you regal , and I make you serve ! No further will your feathers change , and your heart will remain small enough to bear an elven rider ! " The little bird cried out , but it was too late . Now it was big and beautiful , save for a saddle of brown just between its wings . The little bird and its hatchlings became known as the King Pheasants , but no matter how much the birds of the forest came to love them , the King Pheasants always suffered to bear an elf whenever one appeared . Posted on March 22 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not long ago , a young man of the Riverfolk went to visit his cousins in the Wood . Because he had come such a long way , and because his Woodfolk cousin had just learned the trade of hunting , they decided to go with some of their friends into the Wood , to swim in a beautiful pool and also to test their courage . Three young men and two young women set out on that day . " I am tired , " said one of the young men . " Let us take a nap . " The others realized they were tired as well , and so each found a comfortable spot and rested their heads . But the Riverman could not sleep , because the Wood was strange and frightful to him . " I am being foolish , " he said to himself . " This is nothing but a forest , and these are nothing but trees . " So to screw up his courage , the Riverman decided that he would leave the small clearing he and the others had found . He took three , and four , and five steps , and still nothing happened . " What a great fool I was ! " he said , laughing . " I will hide and scare my friends . Then they will think that we Riverfolk are much better than Woodfolk . " So the young Riverman found the crook of a large tree root , and laid down beyond it . From his hiding spot , he could no longer see his friends back in the clearing , but he heard one of them snoring . But as the Riverman waited for his friends to wake , he caught a familiar scent drifting through the air . " That smells just like the pies my mother bakes ! " And since the Wood held no fear for him , and since he remembered the way back to his friends in the clearing , he decided to see where the smell had come from . He wandered toward the smell until he came to a cottage with the sun kissing its roof here and there . A garden lay beside it , and smoke was rising from the chimney . An old woman stood in the doorway , holding a great pie . Her eyes met the Riverman 's , and he walked into the cottage with her . " Might I trouble you for a piece of your pie ? " Said the Riverman . " Of course , my dear . " Replied the old woman , and she put a slice on a plate for him . The Riverman ate , but he didn 't notice that with each bite he grew much fatter . Soon he was so fat that he couldn 't stand , and the old woman laughed a cruel laugh . " You are mine now , to do with as I please . " " But my friends will come and rescue me ! " The Riverman wailed . " One is a hunter with keen eyes , and another is a wise woman in her village ! " But the woman just laughed all the more cruelly . " The tracking eyes of your hunter will do him no good , and no wisdom in the world can teach where I am . You are mine , and the Elves are coming . " Much later , the Woodfolk awoke in the clearing and wondered where their friend had gotten off to . A few thought to go separate ways and find him , but the hunter said " To walk the Wood alone is foolish . We will look for him together , but we must be back in the village by nightfall . " The others knew the stories of werewolves and evil things , and the thought made them shudder . So they left the clearing to search for the boy . The hunter used the best of his tracking skills , but he only lead them in large circles . " He must be following our tracks , too . We will wait for him here . " And while they waited , the wise woman thought of the stories she had heard . " I cannot think of where he might be . It is like a riddle that I used to know , but have forgotten . " They sat and thought for a long time , until suddenly a troll came crashing from the Wood and scattered them . Each fled a separate way , and by the time the sun had set only the wise woman had made her way back to the village . The others were never found again . Posted on March 21 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , a long time ago , there was a girl who lived in a village deep in the Wood . She was a restless girl , who finished her chores early and liked to skip along the edge of the village , near the flower and herb gardens of the woman who lived alone . She was just like you . That little girl said the same things you did . " I am not scared of some old woman . " She said . " I like the flowers , and to prove I 'm not scared , I will pick some for my mother . " So the girl went into the flower garden , and when her friends screamed because the witch was looking out of her window at the girl , the girl paid her no mind and gathered a big bouquet for her mother . But her mother knew exactly where the flowers came from , just like I do , and she threw them out the window . " You have been a bad girl ! " Her mother screamed , brandishing the spoon with which she was stirring the night 's stew . " Go to your bed , and do not set foot upon the ground until I tell you ! " So the girl sat on the bed , crying to herself as the sun started to fall from the sky . After what seemed like a very long time , the girl was startled by a strange noise . She peered over the corner of the bed just in time to see a tiny pair of boots disappear underneath her bed . " Who 's there ? " she said , straining to look into the darkness beneath her . " It is I ! " a small voice said , as a man about the size of a potato walked out from under her bed . He wore small yellow boots , and his clothes were made out of leaves . His hair and eyes were the color of moss , and small butterfly wings sprouted from his shoulders . " Your mother is a mean woman , but if you close your eyes I 'll take you my home , and you can roam wherever you like ! " But the little man just hopped up into her lap and pinched her nose . " Silly girl , my home is big enough for anyone ! Won 't you come see ? " The little girl thought about the flowers lying broken on the ground outside , then agreed to go with the little man . " Take me to you home ! " She said , and the little man smiled and placed a log under the sheets of her bed . " So your parents will never know you have left ! " He said , eyes twinkling . She closed her eyes , and no sooner were they shut than she felt very sleepy , and laid down her head for a nap . When she awoke , she found herself in the Wood . She was next to a well , and the day had not yet fallen into dusk . The little man was standing atop the well , and he beckoned her with his hands . " Come down the well , and you will see my home ! " So the little girl hopped into the well with the little man , and splashed into the water at the bottom . There was a door at the bottom , and when the little man opened it she stepped out into a cozy room with a fireplace and a table with lots of food . There were many strange men and women around the table . Some were tall and some were short , and some were fat and some were thin . Some had hair of many colors , and others had no hair at all . Each wore different clothing , and all of them looked quite silly while they sat and talked . " Why , these are my brothers and sisters ! Come sit , and eat with us ! " And so the little girl sat and ate , and the little man 's brothers and sisters told stories and danced and made the little girl laugh for a long time . The little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed when the little man and his brothers and sisters started to change . It happened slowly , but some of their eyes darkened , and the room darkened with them . Some of them became hunched and their teeth sharpened , and the room sharpened with them . Some of them changed to very strange , upsetting colors , and the room changed with them . But the little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed any of it , because the Elves are such great tricksters . She only learned what was happening when they brought out their sharp forks and knives , and they threw her in their stew pot , and used her screams as a spice for their stew . Posted on March 9 , 2012 by Writer Jim Long ago , when men had only just begun to gather in cities , there were two kingdoms in the up in the lofty mountains unlike anything the world had seen . One lay in a shadowed valley where many sweet things grew , and the other was perched on a high cliff . These were the kingdoms of Winter and Summer . They were ruled by two brothers who had bickered all their lives , using the armies of the Two Kingdoms to settle their quarrels . One year , after a very long summer of fighting , the Two Kingdoms hunkered down to weather the snows of winter . This year , the snows piled higher than they ever had , and many people in the Winter Kingdom died . Even in the Summer Kingdom , where hot springs protected its people from the worst winter 's storms , many people took ill and died , though they had food in plenty . No scouts left from either of the castles of the Two Kingdoms , for no one could travel the roads without great peril . And so it happened that one night in the middle of winter the Summer King laid himself down to sleep . He kicked and sweat through most of the night , and in the quiet hour before dawn he jerked upright in his bed . " Who goes there ? " he bellowed , frightful eyes darting to and fro . " Who disturbs the sleep of the King ? " For a long time , there was no response but the sound of the wind as it rushed by outside . But then , without warning , the great wooden shutter of his window burst inward , filling the room with wind and cold . The Summer King clutched his heavy blankets close , but nothing came of the wind and noise . Some days later , the Summer King went walking through his gardens . The sun was high in the sky as he came to one of his favorite hot pools , where he saw a beautiful woman . She wore robes all of white , and she sat gazing into the pool while she brushed her long , golden hair . The woman laughed at him as the sunlight danced with her hair . " I have seen you all abed , shaking beneath your sheets . You are not so big and brave as you wish . " The woman stood , and her bearing was regal and terrible to behold . " Take care with your deeds , child of Man . " the woman said , her voice aglow with the power of command . " You chide defenseless women for their harmless mirth , and think to raise blades against them . All the while , your brother the Winter King lies at the door of death in his northern fortress . Mend your ways , foolish man , or I and my sisters will take you away into great light and heat , and you will surely die . " " If your brother the Winter King should die by your deeds or your negligence , know that all his folk and all yours too shall melt like the snows melt with the dawning of spring . You have been warned . " The White Woman turned , and all the light in the garden dimmed as she left . Alone with his thoughts , the Summer King hied himself to his castle , there to meet with his council and to make ready his plans . When he reached the great hall , his champion saw that he was distraught , and said " My liege ! Show me the foe , and I will take their heads and lay them at your feet ! " Thinking that the Winter King and his armies had come raiding through the storms . " Fools ! " the Summer King said , his great voice booming off the walls . " My brother lies in his bed , sick unto death from starvation . I cannot sit by and allow him to die , though long have I cursed his every breath . " Soon the sleds flew over the earth like birds , and the Summer King 's laughter could be heard far and wide . They came to the gates of the Winter Castle and smote upon the door three times . " We bring gifts ! " The Summer King cried , mirth in every word . " We bring salvation ! " The people of the Winter Kingdom were amazed when they opened the door , for the Summer King shone like the sun , and his mead glittered like gold as it splashed upon the floor . The Summer King went to his brother , who drank from the Summer King 's own horn , and as he did the Summer King bellowed laughter and spoke . " It is an ill omen that kin should come to blows . Drink , brother ! Remember the summer you have lost , and let us know peace . " And the Winter King piled his own wagons high with the work of his finest craftsmen , and with the written histories of his wisest elders , and set out for the Summer Kingdom . There he met with his brother the Summer King , saying " The land yields great riches when kin are at peace . Take these gifts , my brother . Store them against the coming winter , and let us know peace . " And since those days , the Kingdoms of Winter and Summer have lived in peace in their mountain lands . The fates decide which kingdom shall reign with the coming of each new season , and each comes to bow before the sovereignty of the other . Their lands know great peace , and woe betide any who should seek to disturb them . Posted on March 6 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not so long ago , there was a man in the Blackwood who had two sons . The first was handsome and intelligent and could manage everything , but the second was so stupid that he could neither understand nor learn anything . Whenever people saw the second son , they would shake their heads and say " He will be a burden upon his father ! " The first son did everything around the house and performed many errands , but would never go out at night because he was very afraid of the dark . At night , the family would gather around the fire to tell stories , and the first son would often shudder , saying " Please ! Tell me no more frightening tales ! " And the father would shudder too , because he had scared himself with his own stories . The second son , huddled in the corner , would think to himself , " How sad ! Fear is one more thing I don 't understand . " One day , the father came into the house and saw his second son huddled in the corner . " You there ! You are almost a man grown . You are big and strong , and it is time you learned a skill to earn your bread . Leave this house , and do not return until you have learned a skill . " The second son rose and looked his father in the eyes . " Father , I do want to learn something . I don 't understand what it means to be afraid , but I know I will learn if I work very hard . " The oldest song laughed at this brother when he heard this . " By the Silverheart ! " He said , " Even the trolls are smarter than my brother ! He will be useless for as long as he lives . " So the second son left the house of this father to learn what fear was . As he was walking , he came upon a Priest of Unity who was gardening outside his modest Temple . " The Priest is a wise man , a man who can read and write , " said the boy . " I will ask him if he can teach me what fear is . " And so he did , and the Priest laughed at him . " Yes , " the Priest replied . " I will teach you what fear is if you will ring the bells of this Temple at midnight tonight , when the moon has disappeared behind its blanket of clouds . " So the boy did as he was told , and that night at midnight he climbed the tower of the Temple of ring the bells . The Priest , however , sneaked up the tower ahead of him . As the boy grasped the ropes to ring the bells , he saw of a sudden a white figure standing near the edge of the tower . " Who is there ? " shouted the boy . When the white figure did not answer , the boy said " Speak or be gone . You have no business here at night . " When the ghost did not answer , the boy leapt forward , picked the ghost up , and threw it from the tower . The Priest yelled until he hit the ground , where he lay motionless for a long time . The boy finished ringing the bells , then went down the stairs to look at the intruder . When he saw that it was the Priest , the boy became confused , wondering why the Priest wouldn 't speak to him . He thought for a long time , and when he couldn 't figure it out , he left the Temple and never came back . For many days the boy wandered through the Blackwood , and every night he made a bet with someone that they couldn 't teach him what fear was . Every night they would try to scare him , and every morning they would pay him their money because they had failed . The boy reached an inn deep in the woods , and was about to give up hope . The Innkeeper laughed at the boy , and said " You 've come to the right place ! " The Innkeeper told the boy about a haunted castle not far from there , and any man could learn what fear is if only he could keep watch in the castle for three nights . A nearby lord had decreed that any man who cleansed the castle of ghosts could marry the Lord 's daughter , who was very beautiful . Further , the castle was full of many great treasures that would make a man rich enough , but they were guarded by evil spirits . Many had gone into the castle , but no one had returned . So the boy went to the nearby lord and told him that he would stay in the castle for three nights . The lord saw that the boy was handsome and strong , and so he agreed , and gave the boy wood and tinder for a fire , and a knife to defend himself . The lord took the boy to the haunted castle , helped him build a fire , and told the boy " You must not leave the castle until dawn . " " Too many ! Begone ! " said the boy , and went about hacking with his knife . Several of the spirits fled , but those that he killed he gathered up and threw off the wall down into the moat . The second night , the boy was sitting by the fire and grew very tired . Just at that moment , he noticed a large bed in the corner of the room . He yawned happily and laid down on the bed , but as soon as he had the bed start shaking and moving all around the castle . It moved faster and faster , bumping up and down stairs , down corridors , and through rooms large and small , and all the while the boy laughed louder and louder . Suddenly , the bed turned upside down and pinned the boy to the floor . " No fun ! " said the boy , wriggling out and grabbing the sheets . Just as he did , the bed disappeared . " How strange , " he thought . He went back to the fire , laid down , and fell asleep . So the final night name , and soon a whole troop of dead men walked into the castle , bearing a coffin with them . The boy called to them " Ho there ! I am starved for company , come in ! " As he was coming down from the curtain wall , a tall man was standing by his fire . He was broad of shoulder , with white hair and a long white beard . " You will die tonight , " said the old spirit . " Not so fast , " replied the boy . " If I am to die , you will have to kill me . I think I am as strong as you , and perhaps stronger ! " So the spirit wailed and attacked the boy , and they wrestled together . Soon , the boy grabbed the spirit by his long beard and dragged him to the fire . " If you don 't yield , I will burn you ! " the boy shouted . " Please ! I yield ! If only you will spare me , I will show you great riches ! " said the spirit , the light of fear bright behind his eyes . So the boy released the spirit , and the spirit lead him down deep into the castle . They came to a room with three large chests , each filled with gold . " Of these , one is for the poor , one is for the lord , and the third you may keep , " said the spirit , who disappeared into thin air . Posted on February 29 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , there was a man with three sons . Each were young men , and one day the man got it into his head to send his firstborn boy out into the woods . His firstborn son was tall and strong , and the man knew he could kill a great deer that had been spotted in the woods nearby , and bring it back for a feast . It happened that as he was walking through the forest , he came upon a stream and decided to stop for a drink . Just at that moment , a beautiful maid stepped out from behind a tree . She was wearing the simple dress of a farmer 's daughter , and held her hands coyly behind her back . The firstborn son saw that this made the girl angry , and he began to laugh at her . " Did you want a kiss from me ? " he asked , making fun of her . " Come here , and I will give you a kiss . " After many days , the man began to fear that his firstborn son had left for a larger village . So he sent his second son out to hunt the deer . This son was even larger and stronger than his older brother , but he was foolish , and had never learned anything in his life . " I will go , father , " said the second son . " But I hardly know what a deer looks like . " After many more days , the man feared that his second son had also fled to a larger village . " You are my last son , " said the man . " You must go and find the deer and bring it back . My other sons have run away . " So the third son set out . He was not as tall or as strong as his brothers , but he was a polite young man , and had learned much in his years . He walked through the forest for a few days , then stopped at a stream to examine some tracks . The Hollowback stepped back and fixed her skirts . " Thank you , " she said , hiding her tail . " You are the brother of the two men who came here earlier . They were hunting for a great deer . Come with me , and I will show you where this deer is . " As they were walking , the Hollowback stopped and turned around . " This is the spot where the great deer will be , " she said . Grabbing the third son 's hands , a great wind rushed up and blew all of her clothes away . The two of them laid down , and after a time the great deer approached . Quickly , the Hollowback leapt up and pulled the head off of the deer . " Here is your deer , " she said . " It is time for you to return to your home . " But one day , the third son opened the door of the cottage to find a baby on the doorstep . He took the baby in and cared for it , because he knew it was his child from the Hollowback . When the baby grew to be a young man too , he was the strongest and most handsome man for many leagues around , and many girls wished to be his wife . Posted on February 28 , 2012 by Writer Jim All souls know better than to journey forth when the moon is dead and the stars have vanished from the night sky . At that hour , the sound of heavenly trumpeting is no call to the paradise of the gods of the treeless lands . No , those horns accompany the hooves of dark steeds sparking fire in the night , and the baying of hounds that man was not meant to see . They are the heralds of the Wild Hunt . They say that when the night is deep and black , some travelers come across an old man alone on the road , holding a lantern aloft and leaning on a staff . " Do you hear ? " he asks , though not even the crickets are making their song . " Do you hear the riders ? All good souls should be indoors at such a time and such a place as this . " Those who meet him and hear his words must heed them , and quickly . Those who do not seek the warmth of the hearth will come to gaze upon the Hunt . It is said to be a great host of flying riders , following a pack of hunting dogs and lead by a powerful man with a mighty horn and a long , cold spear . They ride through all the realms of the earth , through the tangle of the Weald and amongst the woods and meadows of the Blackwood , searching for all wayward souls both brave and foolish . Those that they find on their Hunt are seized , bound by strange cords of spirit , and carried off to the Land of the Dead , from which there is no escape . Of all the tales of the Hunt told across the breadth of this Wood , only one tells of a man who saw those Lands and came back to tell the tale . They say his name was Eckhart , and that he made common cause with a woman of the deep woods , who deals in strange things and follows the Old Ways . She told him of the secret paths that lead from the Land of the Dead back into our Midst , asking a token from that world as payment for her knowledge . This man walked those paths , seeing the Meadow of Peaceful Souls and the Hall of the Valiant Dead . He saw the Dead at rest , basking in sunlight or seated at table , and was wont to join them . He saw shadows at the corner of his sight , shadows that preyed upon the light and made him shudder . He saw many splendid things as well , the golden torcs and goblets and all the hoards of the Dead . He reached for those things , but they passed through his hands like mist , and he saw the Land for a place filled with ghosts and memory . In time , Eckhart found the path back to the Midst . He met the woman in the woods walking down an old forest path , and she cursed him for a liar because he brought nothing back for her . She doomed him to last forever in the twilight of his years , unable to reach the rest in the Land of the Dead ever again . Since that day , he has wandered the Wood , bearing a lamp and leaning on a staff , walking endlessly and warning good folk of the approach of the Hunt . Posted on February 26 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , there was a man who lived in the cities along the river who was invited to visit his cousin in the woods . The path to the woodsman 's home was long and tiring , even though the woodsman had moved down from the mountains for the winter . Because the snow had fallen heavily all over the Blackwood , the riverman found it very hard to get on , and soon became tired and hungry . When he reached the home of his cousin , he was greeted warmly by the woodsman and his wife . They gave him a place by their modest hearth , and while he warmed himself they went to a hole in the ground in the corner of their hut , and pulled out their best food for a feast . They had strips of salted venison , dried berries from many different bushes , and on the fire was a stew made from boiled roots . Outside their home , a stream came down from the mountains even in the dead of winter , and they had fresh water whenever they wanted . " Aye , " said the woodsman . " We have food to eat , a roof to shelter us from rain and snow , and walls to hide us from the wolves . Trolls do not often come to this part of the woods , and if they do I shoot them with my bow . " The riverman was appalled . " How can you live with such meager food to feed you , and with so many dangers around you ? Come to visit me in my home in the city . If you spend just one week with me , you will never want to return to your home in the woods ! " When they reached the city , the riverman welcomed his cousin into his home . " I live in the estate of my employer , a wealthy prison warden . We will dine in a nice tavern , just down the street . The woodsman had been to a tavern many years before , but it was a small thing along a lonely road in the Wood , and had little to offer him . This tavern was large and warm , with many tables of people eating all kinds of delicacies . There were cakes and roast pork , and capons and bread fresh from the ovens . The riverman and the woodsman both ate much food , but soon the woodsman began to grow thirsty . The riverman called for beer , and when it arrived he only drank a little , since he knew the winter beer was strong . The woodsman had only had fresh water to drink , though , so he thought the beer was a wonderful thing . Soon he was dancing around the room , whooping and shouting and bothering the tavern 's patrons . " Sit down and stop acting like you just came from the backwoods , making such a row and noise , " said a thief who had come into the tavern . The woodsman laughed at him , so the thief grabbed him by his shoulder and put a knife to his throat . " Give me your money , " the thief said . The woodsman laughed . " Your food and beer may be nice , but no man should be thrown in jail because someone attacked him . I 'll take the woods and the hills any day , and you can keep your wardens and your thieves for yourself , cousin ! " With that , the woodsman fled the city , using the tricks he learned as a hunter to avoid capture . When he returned home , he kissed his wife . " Ancestors preserve me from having such a fine home and such fine food and drink . Why I only just got away with my life ! " |
After school let out on Monday , Hirose saw Takasato in the classroom . Thick clouds drifted in the heavy sky . The sky was getting darker earlier than usual . The sound of an announcement was transmitted from some far away place in the school . The uproarious noise of the cheer squad came in waves from the schoolyard . He needed a little bit of courage , but Hirose still tried his best to say this as if nothing had happened at all . Takasato looked back at Hirose . Scattered on the desks around him were some props for what use he didn 't know . His responses were still as short as they could be . Hirose was about to ask something , but then realized that he didn 't know what he should ask . He didn 't know what was appropriate to talk about . " Takasato . . . you had to redo a year ? " He sounded it out with this question . Takasato looked straight at Hirose , and used an expressionless sound to reply . " Yes . There was a sky with unimaginable colors and wetlands that were filled with white flowers in bloom . A clear and deep river flowed , and in the distance there was a bridge . I walked forward along the river . The air wasn 't hot , nor was it cold , and no matter how far I walked , I didn 't get tired . I looked around at the scenery as I walked with uncertainty . When every now and then a small bird or fish would come out , I would play with them . None of the things that appeared there were shy . I guess I was probably walking toward the bridge . I just felt like I had walked a long while . " Hirose thought of the scenes that he had mulled over time and time again . " That 's about all I remember . I don 't remember how I got there or how I got back . I just remember it being a beautiful place . " " I seemed to be unconscious for three days . I think it happened to me when I was six . From then on , whenever something happened to me , my parents would say , ' Who told you to be a child that almost died . ' It didn 't matter if it was something good or something bad , but I think it probably happened more when something bad happened . " Hirose laughed at himself . Hirose didn 't get along with his mother to the extent that people felt it hopeless . His mother tried to restrain Hirose , but Hirose hated being restrained the most . His mother wanted to blame this on his near - death experience . Currently , it was still like this . Hirose felt that it pointless to go home , but his mother always accused him of being a son who never went home . Whenever he used his part - time job or lab experiments as excuses in an attempt to get out of it , his mother would say this and hang up the phone . She would say , " You 've thrown all the feelings you had for your parents there . " " Every time I feel discouraged , I think back to that place . When I 'm lost in thought , I feel like that place is the world in which I truly belong , and it 's not a so - called other world . I realized that the reason that I don 't get along with my parents and that I don 't get along with my teachers is all because I don 't belong with the people here . - Up until now , I still feel a little bit like that . " " At the time , I was standing outside of the house . It was a really old house , and there was a storehouse in a corner of the courtyard . I guess it might be better to say that one side of the courtyard was separated by the storehouse . . . Do you know what I mean ? " " The wall was right next to the storehouse . There was only a gap in between the wall and the storehouse big enough for a cat to pass through . That arm had extended out of that gap , and it was beckoning to me . " " Yes , the gap was really small . There was no way a person could fit into there . The arm was pale and bare and like a woman 's , reaching out from the gap . It kept waving at me . " Takasato laughed lightly . " I guess . But at the time , I didn 't feel uneasy or scared . Actually for some reason , I felt extremely safe and extremely happy . " Takasato shook his head . " That was it . I remember myself walking in that direction in the yard , but I don 't remember if I reached the corner of the yard anymore . I don 't remember any of the things that happened afterwards . " " When I regained consciousness , I realized that I was walking on the road . I felt like there was a short amount of time when I was walking uncertainly , and then suddenly I came to my senses . I looked around and then tried to figure out where I was . And then I realized that I was next to my house . From where I was , I could tell that a funeral was proceeding at my house . In my head I thought , who 'd died ? It wasn 't until I went to look that I knew it was my grandmother 's funeral . " " Yes . " Takasato nodded . " I was thinking that if I painted it , it might be able to remember more clearly , but it still doesn 't work . When I feel like I 've remembered something and am just about to paint , the impression I have gets muddled . " " I see . . . " Various different trains of thought were roiling about in his head . Hirose didn 't know what else he could say , so he could only respond to Takasato in this way . Takasato was someone who had lost his native land , just like Hirose . What he felt in his heart was a strong resonance . There was no way he could or even wanted to believe that Takasato had the intention of taking revenge on the people around him . Student teachers came every year in September . Furthermore , it had been decided that the athletics festival would also be held in September . The reason that the athletics festival was held when the student teachers came was so that they could avoid the advancement of class work being put off . Hirose searched his own memory and he recalled that the very first class after the athletics festival was a research class . He remembered there being student teachers around during the preparation for the athletics festival , but he never had the impression that the student teachers worked with the students on it . Was the fact that the students often got him to do things because he was especially good with them ? Or was it that the students that made use of him were clever and knew to use people when they could use people ? He returned to the prep room to tell Gotou about it , soliciting a mocking laugh from him but nothing much else . After he finished writing in his training journal and asked Gotou to stamp it , he proceeded back to the classroom . When he arrived at the front of the 2 - 6 classroom , he felt like there had been some sort of argument inside . Iwaki finally turned to look at Hirose . " Didn 't Tsuiki take the day off today ? All I did was tell him that it 'd be best if he went to Iwaki 's house and talked with him for a bit . " " That guy actually just needs crutches to come to school , but he didn 't because he was afraid . So I thought it would be better if someone went to talk it over with him . If he just lets these misunderstandings go unexplained , the mysterious rumors 'll just get more and more ridiculous . " After Iwaki said this , Iwaki simply creased his brow . " What spiriting away ? What curse ? We 're already high school students , and we 're still talking about that stinking kid 's stuff . The people who talk about it like it 's real are being irresponsible , but Takasato , the one doesn 't say anything at all , is to blame too . Just clear everything up already ! " " Iwaki , stop it . " A student standing next to Iwaki quietly rebuked him . Actually , it was less a rebuke than it was a warning . A feeling of crisis permeated the place . " Are you stupid ! ? " Iwaki glared at that student . " Do you believe it too ? How can there be anything like a curse ? If I die because of this , it won 't be a curse , it 'll be retribution . Unless Takasato kills me with his own hands , regardless of what happens to me , it 'll be purely chance . " " This is a problem of probability . It 's because of Takasato 's personality that other people make things difficult for him . There must be a lot of people who bully you on their own , right ? There are a lot of people like that , and among them there 'll also be people who get into accidents or die . It 's a question of their own luck . What does that have anything to do with Takasato ? " Tsuiki probably didn 't even want to see Takasato . Even if Takasato did go , he would most likely not get to see Tsuiki . Tsuiki believed that Takasato had cursed him . Now , it was no longer important how things really were . No matter if Takasato did go see Tsuiki , and no matter what he said , everything would just add to Tsuiki 's uneasiness . " Keeping with this , I 'll probably die , huh ? " said Iwaki mockingly as he looked at the students around him . All the students that had seen everything happen very obviously looked even more distressed than Takasato , who had just been slapped . " Don 't hold back . Go ahead and curse me . " Takasato simply looked at Iwaki . Neither the slightest bit of anger nor dissatisfaction could be seen in his face . His very slightly creased brow was the only clue to the thoughts of Takasato that people feared . " What a joke , " said Iwaki as he laughed lightly , and then he went and picked up the props that were scattered everywhere . " What are you all still looking at ? Get back to work ! " Iwaki sat down in a chair to the side with a thud , and then everyone started to move . Each person would occasionally sneak glances at Iwaki and Takasato . The two who had been involved were both expressionless . Iwaki tossed the unopened packages and memo paper to Takasato . " Hey . " During the lunch break of the next day , the first person who showed up at the prep room was Iwaki . Hirose greeted him and Iwaki smiled . Hashigami looked like his spirits were quite good . Though his left hand was bundled up with a thick bandage , it didn 't look like it affected him much . When Hashigami joined the ranks of the coffee - drinkers , three more students came in while chatting with each other . The first one who came in was Nozue and he groaned as soon as he saw Iwaki . " Don 't be ridiculous . What exactly is going through that brain of yours ? " He set his empty beaker down roughly . " Also , how did you find out ? " " That 's what I 'm saying ! " Iwaki laughed and then looked up at the ceiling . " Takasato sure is a weird guy . When I hit him , he didn 't get mad at all . " Iwaki smiled and said , " He wasn 't mad . If he had the guts to get mad when stuff like that happens , then there wouldn 't be any of those rumors . Maybe it 's because he doesn 't get mad , and that makes people uncomfortable , so it scares them . " " I heard he said to Takasato , just try and kill me ! And then he slapped him across the face . Then he yelled at him , if you 're going to curse me , then I 'd like to see it ! He even yelled at other people , I can 't believe you guys are so scared of such nonsense ! " " That 's not what I said . " Sakata seemed to be enjoying himself . " Since Takasato is definitely a difficult kind of guy , I think it 's too early to let your guard down right now . Iwaki - kun , you should be careful . " " No , really ! I think Takasato is amazing . " His tone seemed like it was full of anticipation . Everyone was disappointed and stopped talking . Iwaki wasn 't happy and creased his brow as he stood up . Nozue called to him . " That 's not what I meant . That never even crossed my mind . I was just letting him know that it 's best not to belittle Takasato . . . " His smile made them shudder . Iwaki 's behavior had definitely been out of kindness ; Takasato probably knew that . However , why did people then feel so uneasy ? Fifth period on Tuesday was a Science - I class . That day , class was being held in the lab . The first year students were busy plating 10 - yen coins . For a while , the silver 10 - yen coins could be seen in the store occasionally , flying through the air , probably causing the lady at the counter to duck down amidst the chaos . After two - thirds of the class was over , Hirose at last breathed a sigh . Gotou was sitting half - asleep in the back of the lab , and all Hirose had to do was to prompt the students from time to time . He finally had some extra time to look out the window . The wide sports area was outside the window of the lab , and there were currently students there attending gym class . According to custom , all the gym classes before the athletics festival were used as practice for the events of the festival . From the looks of it , the students were practicing for the cavalry battle today . Many schools had considered this activity too dangerous and had cancelled it on those grounds , but at this school , it was seen as a tradition , and so they kept it . It was a spot . A small shadow - like spot had appeared under the feet of the disorderly students . It was a completely clear day with sunlight so bright that the sand in the sports area reflected white . The shadows of the students were both small and dark . The spot that appeared beneath their feet was about the size of a puddle and looked like a spray of water . As if groundwater was seeping up to surface , the puddle quickly expanded , and in a glimmer , it engulfed the feet of all the students . Gotou opened the window and shouted , " Hey ! " At just about the same time , there was the sound of a whistle . The tumult of the cavalry dispersed as they separated themselves to either side . The stain that had discolored the surface of the sports area also faded as if it was evaporating under the harsh light of the sun . In the midst of the current of people returning in bunches to their own sides , there appeared an isolated shadow . It was a student . His entire person was lying on the ground , not moving at all . However , for a shadow normally made by a person who had fallen over , it was a little bigger and had a strange color to it as it fell under the student 's body . " What happened ? " Hirose peeled his way through the circular wall of students , urgently rushing up to the front of the students . All the sand was white . A student was lying in the middle of the circle . Standing at the side was a student teacher in physical education . He was bent at the waist and looked as if he was ready to get away at any time . " What 's going on ? " asked Hirose as he panted . In his head he was thinking , was there any question stupider than that ? One look at the situation was all that was needed to know that something serious had happened . Hirose didn 't know if the student lying there was Iwaki or not . Though he was lying face up , Hirose couldn 't distinguish him by his face . His entire face had become a ripe red lump of flesh . Blood and mud clung indiscriminately to his gym uniform . At a glance , he could see that countless muddy footprints and countless blood - stained footprints had chaotically trampled over his body . " Where 's the teacher ? " asked Hirose . The gasping student teacher sputtered only " telephone " between breaths . The chest covered up by the school uniform had just stopped moving a little before . Hirose could see the name " Iwaki , " written on the shirt in an area stained with blood . " Sensei . . . " A voice on the verge of tears spoke up from behind him . Three students stood closely to each other in front of the circle of people . They were 2 - 5 students . " It couldn 't have been like this . " One of them couldn 't hold it in any longer and began sobbing . " Iwaki was supporting my leg . From the time the whistle blew to before we came apart , there was always , always someone holding onto my left leg ! " " There was definitely someone beside me . I didn 't see his face , but our arms were pulled together . If he wasn 't there anymore , I would know for sure . How could this have happened ? " " We didn 't know that Iwaki fell down . If you think about it , if Iwaki had fallen over , I would have fallen right after him , but really , nothing happened at all . If Iwaki 'd disappeared , when who was holding onto my arm the whole time ? " Hirose could hear a person somewhere whispering . He couldn 't hear it very clearly , but Hirose could imagine what they were talking about . The circle of people was saturated with an unusual atmosphere . It 's too dangerous , thought Hirose in an instant . It was in this way that gym class was cut short . The students had been called back to their classrooms , and the first years that had been in the lab had gone back to their classrooms as well . The school administration directed the entire student body to self - study . An ambulance had hurried its way there , and it was discovered that Iwaki was still just barely alive , but in the end , he had died in the ambulance . " I 'll be heading back now . I 'll leave it up to you to close up , " said Gotou simply . He took off his white lab coat and handed it over to Hirose , and then he went down the stairs that led to the first floor . Hirose hung his head uncertainly as he walked silently down the hall . Just an hour before it happened , he 'd even seen and talked to a lively Iwaki . Walking into the prep room , Iwaki 'd said : How about it ? I haven 't died yet . Hirose closed his eyes and sighed deeply as he opened the door to the prep room . Iwaki would never again open this door like Hirose was doing now and walk into the prep room . A second year student . Seventeen years old . Only seventeen . It was dark within the unlit prep room . None of the lights in the hall were on either , but the dim light casting from both the sports area and the courtyard made it so that the prep room wasn 't completely dark . Thin curtains hung from above the windows , and the cold fabric fluttered gently as he drew them tightly closed . Under the light coming in from the sports area , it looked like a square - shaped water 's surface . The prep room in itself was like a large square well . Hirose looked into it , a well both dark and empty . The mysterious feeling of the easel which Gotou had placed in front of the window pulled Hirose back to reality . The appearance of the paints that filled the canvas glistened moistly . Hirose glanced over there and immediately stiffened . As he stood in the doorway , he gasped . He discovered a person sitting on the floor underneath the waist - high windows . Under the dim lighting , he couldn 't tell who it was , but Hirose could see that he was wearing a gym uniform . He was sitting there , hugging his knees and looking at Hirose . In a split second , Hirose thought of Iwaki - how he had usually looked and his tragic appearance just then - he was about to back away when he suddenly thought of something else . " Really ? " Hirose used a handkerchief to pad it and handed the coffee to Takasato . Takasato opened his eyes widely , and then revealed a faint smile as he received it . Hirose glanced at Takasato . His eyes held fast to Hirose 's look , not moving one bit . They radiated an air of utmost sincerity that didn 't allow for lies or deceit . " Takasato . . . Are you familiar with the rumor that if anyone angers you , they 'll be cursed ? " asked Hirose . Takasato simply nodded . " What 's really going on ? " " . . . I 've realized that a lot of the people around me get into accidents or die . They all look like they have something to do with me , and that 's what everyone 's afraid of . But , that 's not how it is . " " He was saying something about living experiments . I just thought he was one of those people who said weird things . As for Tsuiki , it wasn 't anything . . . because everyone was saying the same thing . " " But it 's because I 'm like a different species of creature that 's been mixed up here . " Takasato looked at his hands as he said this . " When something is obviously different , but they can 't figure out what it is , people will inevitably feel discomfort . Because , people have no way to decide if this thing is harmful or harmless . Plus , I look like I 'm harmful , so it 's even more unavoidable . " " You 're not the cause . " Though Hirose didn 't have this sort of self - confidence , for the time being he comforted Takasato in this way . Takasato still hung his head and didn 't look up . Hirose pondered silently for a moment and then looked away . What was that thing , that strange discoloration that appeared on the sports grounds ? If Iwaki had already fallen down , then who was holding up the cavalry team ? Everything showed that these were bizarre circumstances that couldn 't be figured out with common sense . He was rushing along the night road . He was a sixth grade student and he lived an extremely busy life . His mom had said that a kid 's work was to study . If that was true , then that work was a bit too arduous . He grumbled in his head . At some point in time , his dad had started working for the bottom line , not coming home until the middle of the night . He remembered very well his father once saying that working more than 12 hours a day is unbearable . Well , I 've been working 13 hours , he mumbled to himself . After school was over , he had to go to two cram classes . His mom always said that if he worked a little harder now , then it 'll be easier later . He thought that that was a strange thing to say . After he got into junior high , it would most likely be like it was for the girl next door , attending cram school until late at night , and after he got into high school , he 'd probably still have to go to cram school . After he grew up and got a job , he would have to work overtime to pay the bills . In reality , he wasn 't really that dissatisfied with the current situation . Going to cram school was a given , and he was also attending an exam course at a famous private junior high . This was evidence that he still had a sliver of hope remaining . Even so , he still hated going home this late . If he took shortcuts on this stretch of road between the station and his home , it wasn 't actually very far . It was just that on the side of the shortcut was the long earthen wall of a temple that annoyed him and made him feel uneasy . In addition , the season brought with it the popularity of telling ghost stories at cram school . Today , during break time and on the train back home , he had heard plenty of unpleasant stories . Because of that , in all honesty there were many places where he would anxiously rush past . After taking a right at the traffic light in front of the station , and then he taking the first turn after the next traffic light , he reached a one - way street . After walking across the one - way street and over the stone bridge hanging over a ditch , it was the road beside the temple . When he was only a little way past the bridge , a rustling came out of the bamboo thicket . His entire body froze and he stopped running . He looked back towards where the sound was coming from . If he didn 't see anything , then perhaps he would start to run ahead . In reality , he saw within the thicket the back of a white dog and relaxed his shoulders . He immediately felt a bit embarrassed , knowing that he had been scared just then . Thus , when there was another rustling sound , he was calm as he looked over attentively at where the sound had come from . The shape of the dog was blocked by the grass at the bottom of the thicket , so he couldn 't see very clearly . However , because he could see its white fur and from that tell its size , he figured that it was probably another dog . A human figure appeared as if it was chasing the dog . He thought of the shiba inu that they raised at home and the trouble of taking the dog out for a walk . The person that appeared out of the bamboo thicket was a young woman . She walked from the darkness as if she was protecting the dog , and then she looked up as though she felt his gaze . She looked a little like she had come straight out of those special effects TV shows he watched , a team member wearing a pink uniform . After she glanced at the dog , she walked over to him . He could tell from her face that she wanted to say something . She then stopped walking . When she reached the side of the road , her line of sight rested upon him , not moving at all . He first checked to see if she had legs , and then he looked up at her slightly tilted head . What a gentle person , he thought to himself . " I haven 't heard anything . But , I 'll ask around about it at school . Is it a dog that onee - san is raising ? What kind is it ? " He asked . She shook her head . " It 's like a light . Ordinarily , I can see it very clearly , but the traces of Taiki are faint . They are almost gone , so I don 't know where he is . " " Hm , " he answered uncertainly , since he didn 't know how to respond . She sighed and said thank you , and then went back into the bamboo thicket . He watched as she left and felt it unbelievable . He was stunned , because the dog that lifted its head when she called to it had only one eye . He watched speechlessly as the woman and the dog pushed aside the grass and walked deeper into the thicket . In the distance , he could faintly see some sort of earthen wall . |
I was cutting spider shapes out of a sheet of black vinyl when John Seabreeze called me up . I remember feeling so safe when he moved in next door . After Mom died , I was having these panic attacks , and then John moved in and I felt safe because he 's a security guard . He works over at Pearson Airport . I was relieved because his whole career is protecting people , but then he started calling me at night and saying crazy things . " I want you to come over . We can play body games , Ruthie . Please . Non - sexual , I promise . " He was always talking about body games , which he described as a fully - clothed , free - form touching and explorative play experience . He said it was good for the heart . He couldn 't see me , because I was in bed with the curtains shut . But that 's what he did : He 'd call me up , ask me to play body games , and then he 'd tell me that he was watching me . The funny thing is that when I passed him on the street he acted normal . Or quiet . He 'd just mind his business , no mention of the calls . He had a brown moustache that looked exactly like his eyebrows - a third eyebrow above his lip . And I believed him when he said the games would be non - sexual , and good exercise , and that even celebrities play them to unwind after the Oscars . But obviously it would be so weird if I went over there . I really did have the contest to work on . When he called , I was lying in bed and cutting spiders out of a sheet of black vinyl for the spider cannon . Every year my street has a Halloween decoration contest ; whoever has the best looking house wins a bucket of candy from Costco - but really it 's more about the prestige . Last year , I didn 't win , and the year before that I didn 't win . The year before that , my Mom was still alive and she won , and she won every other year since the contest began , too . I live in her house . I grew up here , I moved away , and then Mom died and now I live here in Etobicoke again . This year I 'm building a spider cannon and I have all these special tricks planned because I 've got to win . I have this vision of my house decorated and it looks okay , but then I pull a switch or something , everything changes , and then it 's suddenly amazing . I 'm not sure how to do it yet . Maybe there will be orange ribbons hanging from the eavestrough , but when I pull the end of a ribbon all these yarn cobwebs fall down . I don 't know . And then I can shoot off the cannon . At first I thought I 'd make the spiders out of paper so they 'd float around a little before they hit the ground , but then I decided on vinyl because it would be easier to gather for reloading . But I don 't know . I 've got two weeks - judging is on Devil 's Night . I 've got to win because Mom would have wanted it that way . She always won , but now that I 'm here it 's Amanda P from across the street who takes home the bucket . I grew up with her . She lives in her mom 's house , too , except her mom isn 't dead - she 's in a retirement home . Amanda P is married and has been to Florida several times ; she really went for it and carved out a nice life for herself . She doesn 't have to work because her husband has a good job at the plastics plant . I hear him yelling all the time , but that 's just blowing off steam from all the plastic he has to deal with . She 's got it pretty good . She can stay home all day and work on her decorations ; last year she had a forty - piece orchestra of carved pumpkins playing cardboard instruments . I 'm full time at Town Drugs , so I have to work that much harder when I 'm off . I 'm only sleeping four hours a night until the contest is over . But it 'll be worth it when I take home the prize for old Mom . At work , Mr . Greismeyer was hung over and in a foul mood . He 's my boss . He had taken the cardigans , food containers , paystubs , and American Idol umbrella from my locker and dumped it all in the break room garbage bin . Said if I wanted a messy locker , he 'd show me messy . Said to have some self - respect . Said I needed to at least respect Town Drugs . I 'm not sure how he even knew my combination , but you don 't want to mess with Mr . Greismeyer when he 's hung over . One morning , I overcharged someone for a toothbrush and he made me wear a sign around my neck that said : PROBATIONARY EMPLOYEE : WATCH CLOSELY . It 's hard to criticize someone like Mr . Greismeyer , though . He has his own store , and knows all this stuff about business . There was a lot you could learn from a guy like that . Plus , I really believe that everyone is ultimately good - my boss included . Sometimes you have to dig a little to find the good , but it 's in there . Norma didn 't like me , but she didn 't like anybody else , either . She hated her co - workers , and she hated the customers . She regularly told Mr . Greismeyer to fuck off , too , but she was his niece and he let it slide . It was a long day . The morning was slow and dragged on , and then Norma didn 't come back from her lunch break . I had some big afternoon lineups , but I kept it moving as well as I could . Then Jan , the other cashier , didn 't show up for her shift and I had to stay until close . I left the store at eight - thirty , and Mr . Greismeyer was parked out front . He had the windows down and the radio blaring techno . He saw me coming out . " Hi , sir . " I walked up to his car and looked in . There was an empty bottle of wine on the passenger seat , and a half - full one between his legs . I could smell wine breath and farts . " I made it . On my computer , at home . Pretty good , right ? I call it Mr . G 's Sound Explosion , but that 's tentative . Come on in , have a drink . " Mr . Greismeyer slapped the horn and opened the passenger door for me . " Sorry , sir , " I said . " It 's been a twelve - hour day . Jan never showed up , you know . And I 've got a Halloween contest to work on . I 'll see you tomorrow . " When I got home around nine , I found the word GAYBIES spray - painted on my garage door , whatever that meant . And someone had dug up my petunias and stuffed them in the mailbox . There are a lot of teenagers in my neighbourhood - my backyard shares a fence with the high school football field . But this new attack was no biggie , because I could cover the graffiti with Halloween decorations and the petunias were going to die soon anyway . I went inside , made an egg - bagel , and pulled out my crafting pail . There was work to do . I had trouble sleeping that night , despite exhaustion . I turned in around one , after constructing two Coffin Express train cars out of cardboard boxes and drawing up plans for a mummy conductor , but I couldn 't settle down . First of all , John Seabreeze kept calling . I unplugged the phone at one point , and then I heard a scratching at my front door . I looked out my bedroom window and saw a big shadow run into John 's house . One of the great challenges of the Halloween contest is the constant vandalism on my street . Last year I made a life - size zombie out of papier - mâché and one of my mother 's old pantsuits ; someone ripped the head off and took a shit inside of it . But these kids won 't touch Amanda P 's yard , because they 're all scared as hell of her husband , who looks like a Neanderthal . Wish I had that kind of security . I mean , there 's John Seabreeze next door , but he 's so skinny . Even with three eyebrows , or three moustaches , even with his pressed uniform and aviator shades , it 's not enough to command the respect of these hooligans . Although maybe it isn 't fair to call them hooligans . It 's a teenager 's nature to rebel . These kids have it rough , what with puberty and bullying and exams . They may act out , but there 's a puffy layer of goodness beneath the rest . You can be sure of that . Anyway , so while I was lying in the dark , not sleeping - pretty much waiting for my seven o ' clock alarm to go off - I thought of the cop house . When I was eight , my dad started hitting Mom , so Mom and I moved from our quiet street in Etobicoke to a sketchy neighbourhood in the city . I didn 't like that there were people everywhere , and I didn 't like the way they looked . They were always shouting at night - I could hear it from my bedroom - and I was scared all the time . Then one day my mom pointed out this house at the end of our street . She said it was a cop house , and that I needn 't be afraid because the police were right there , and if anything went wrong they would help us out . Mom was telling me that a police officer lived in the house , but at the time I thought she meant all the police officers lived there . I pictured them eating meals at a big , long table and watching television together . I could see these cops lined up along the upstairs hallway in their towels each morning , holding bars of soap and hair gel , waiting for the shower . And it worked : I stopped being scared . I loved living near the cop house . I began work on the mummy conductor . I wrapped toilet paper around a big teddy bear , made him a conductor 's hat out of felt , and then started on the light display for the roof . I wanted it to say BOO in white lights , but then I 'd turn on a different set of orange lights and the letters would become the eyes of these elaborate jack - o - lanterns with speech bubbles coming from their mouths that said BOO in smaller letters . And then I 'd turn on another set of red lights and the little letters from the speech bubbles would be smaller jack - o - lantern eyes , and so on , but I only had enough lights and nails for one BOO . I was untangling the lights in my bed when I smelled smoke . I looked out the window , saw the smoke coming from my front yard , and ran downstairs and onto the porch . It was the Coffin Express . Through the flames I saw a pair of bicycles peel around the corner at the end of the street and disappear . I ran over to the side of the garage , turned on the faucet , and doused the fire with Mom 's hose . Last stop for the Coffin Express ! I almost said this little joke out loud to lighten the mood , but John Seabreeze was staring at me from his window and I went back inside . I returned to untangling the lights for the roof , because you can 't let little setbacks get in your way . Gotta keep moving . But then I started feeling angry and I broke one of the little plastic light casings in my fist . I decided to make an egg - bagel . I ate in front of the TV , and at first I was excited because Martha Stewart was on . She 's just so good . But it turned out to be a commercial and then it went back to the news , which I can 't watch . Too depressing . Especially world news , which is always conflict and crying mothers and animals covered in black goop - but local news can give me anxiety , too . I changed it to the weather channel and ate my egg - bagel in peace . After eating , I returned to the lights and started having doubts . Like , why bother untangling these lights ? Why bother entering the contest at all ? Would my life improve dramatically if I even won the bucket ? No , it would not . I would still work at the drug store and live amongst teenage arsonists and be lonely all the time . My pillow would still smell like tears every morning , if tears left a smell . But you can 't think like that . That kind of thinking gets you nowhere , so I untangled the lights and got out the ladder . I spent two hours up on the roof arranging the lights , and I had to put a flashlight in my mouth because it was dark , but I did it . The lights spelled out BOO and it looked amazing . Even without the secret jack - o - lantern eyes and everything . Because once you give up on something like a little contest , then you start questioning everything else in your life : Why bother going to work today ? Why bother putting on antiperspirant ? Why get out of bed , ever ? And that 's just pathetic . We need these contests - things to really strive for - to keep us going , and so I resolved to win the Costco bucket no matter what . Let the teenagers set fire to my actual house . I 'll use it to my advantage , and make my theme Partially Burned Down Home with Ghost Firemen . The next day , I had so much positive energy I didn 't mind that someone threw up on the floor by the Gatorade and I had to clean it . It didn 't even bother me that Mr . Greismeyer ate the sandwich I brought and then made me spend my lunch break vacuuming his car . I did almost lose it when I saw a kid bike by the window wearing my felt conductor 's hat , but I reminded myself that it didn 't matter . It was just a hat . He was just a kid . He might grow up to be a famous doctor and help cure diseases . Deep down he was probably a little angel and there was no need for me to get upset , so I didn 't . I was focused on the contest ; I had so many ideas . For one , I decided to rebuild the Coffin Express because it would definitely impress the judges and we had more diaper boxes in the back of the store . I also came up with this genius plan to put a kind of lever underneath the candy bowl on my porch , so when trick - or - treaters reached in they 'd push the bowl down on the lever and a fake arm would come out from underneath the table and touch their legs . My creativity levels were through the roof . Jan didn 't show up for her shift , and I had to stay until close again . I was still beaming , though . So much so , that when I left the store and heard techno blaring from Mr . Greismeyer 's car in the parking lot I decided to join him for a quick drink . He was always so nice in the evening . When you catch a normally grumpy person in a good mood it 's important to soak them up and show them how much you appreciate their positive side . Then they 'll try to be in a good mood more often . It 's true . " Goddamn right it 's time you joined me in here . In my car bar . Goddamn it 's nice to sit down and have a drink like this . " " You know , if I wasn 't a married man , " he said , peeling at the label on his wine bottle , " I 'd be all over a girl like you . Goddamn right . You 've got some baby fat on you , for sure . But I love it . All the right places , you know ? " " Thanks . " I meant this , too . Perhaps what he 'd said was borderline inappropriate , but essentially he was just complimenting me . There 's always room in the world for compliments . " But don 't get any ideas in your head now , alright ? I 've got a wife waiting for me at home . She 's insane . " I missed the last bus and had to walk home , but I had a nice buzz and the stars were out . I mean , I only drank half a Pepsi of wine , but I really felt like I was buzzing . I stopped to pet a cat that was lying in the middle of the sidewalk and it licked my hand . My hand smelled like milk . A few minutes later I found a piece of pink chalk in someone 's driveway - I wrote GAYBIES on the curb and ran away . I laughed to myself . I felt so young . And then I got home . The lights had been pulled off the roof and thrown into the street . My living room window was broken , too , and when I went inside I found a rock with a note tied to it . The note said : boo yerself bitch . " It 's these kids . These darn kids , these fucking kids . " I was crying and talking at the same time . Maybe it was the wine . Or maybe it was the awful things that were happening , but either way I was crying . " But just so you know , you 'd calm right down . Worries out the window . Jennifer Aniston ? That 's how she got over Brad . " " I 'll tell you something , John . You catch these kids for me and I 'll come right over . Body games all night , whatever you want . Catch these kids , I 'm in . " I got the broom and swept up the glass from the window . I threw out the note and the rock , and retrieved my BOO lights from the street . It looked like most of the lights were broken , but I put them in the closet and not the garbage because maybe they 'd be useful for something else . Like Medusa hair ? Is she a Halloween thing ? I went to make an egg - bagel , but I was out of both eggs and bagels , so I had the last swig of milk and went to bed . There was plenty of work to do , but my eyes kept closing . That 's why you shouldn 't drink alcohol in contest season - lesson learned . Stay sharp . While I was turning off the hall light , I looked out the window and saw John Seabreeze standing on his porch in the darkness . The next morning , I woke up early and pulled out the crafting pail . For the UFO mobile , I decided to make one big spaceship that would deploy three smaller ships from its base when a switch was pressed . These three ships would each deploy three even smaller ships , which would then drop little Plasticine aliens with parachutes . I 'd press the switch during judging , and illuminate the whole scene with a green spotlight . And a tape would be playing - some kind of eerie hum . Yes . I was running out of supplies , though , so I bussed it down to the dollar store . I bought yarn , twine , elastics , paper clips , construction paper , transparent paper , toilet paper , markers , watercolor paints , Plasticine , glue sticks , scotch tape , duct tape , cotton balls , pie plates , plant pots , Tupperware containers , plastic cups , felt , and two Oh Henrys . I steered clear of the Halloween section - that 's cheating - and dragged my bulging plastic bags to the second hand store , where I bought three flashlights , a cape , and a real farmer 's pitchfork . I had to call a cab to take everything home , and there was an embarrassing moment when I called the driver Mom , but she just laughed . As I was bringing the supplies to the porch , Amanda P gave me a whistle . I put everything down and went across the street . She was digging a pit . " No , I 'm digging my way to fucking China , " she said . She was in a mood , which was fine . She had a green bruise that looked like a slug crawling under her left eye , which would put me in a mood , too . " Anyway , why don 't you take the shovel for a while ? I 'm swamped and I know you 've got the day off . My back feels like shit . " " Oh , really ? You 've got a lot to do ? For Christ 's sake , just help me out and be a good neighbour for once . My back , Ruth . " So I helped dig for two hours , and then snuck off to work on my mobile . I was sweaty and craved a nap , but I kept at it . I made these amazing spaceships out of the construction paper and Tupperware containers - especially the mother ship , which had portholes with little googly eyes looking out of them - but couldn 't figure out how to make them pop out of each other via a switch . I just left it all hanging out like a jellyfish , and it actually looked so beautiful . I was proud of myself . So maybe I didn 't need these gimmicks ; the elegance of the finished mobile transcended the elaborate presentation I originally had in mind . It was all it needed to be . I hung it on the porch . Later , I saw Amanda P filling her pit with naked baby dolls , which was maybe too far . But then again , she 's the seasoned pro . Perhaps the judges appreciate her willingness to take risks . Which is pretty inspiring , but it was getting late and I was tired from all the shopping and crafting and pit - digging . I looked at my mobile once more and went to bed . My phone rang at two - thirty in the morning . I knew it was probably just John Seabreeze , but it might have been an emergency so I picked up . It was John Seabreeze . " Jesus . It 's two - thirty in the morning . I 'm not playing body games with you in the middle of the night . You have to quit - " " I can 't believe it , " I said . It felt like a dream . It wasn 't a nightmare , really , but it also wasn 't one of those really good dreams where it 's your birthday and the presents keep coming . I peered into the little window and saw the kid who had biked by the drug store the other day . The one who wore my conductor 's hat . He was sitting on the floor and crying . John banged on the side of the shed and the kid started crying even louder . " John , you kidnapped him , " I said . My mouth was super dry and I felt heavy . Like I would sink into the grass . " You have to let him go . " " You said to catch him , " John said . " I caught him . And besides , I gave him a choice . Told him he could sit in there until I felt he was ready to come out , or I 'd call his parents . He made his decision . Here , try banging on the wall . He goes nuts . " As I was walking back to over to my house , I heard a loud bang , followed by a kind of moaning . It might have been the kid crying , but it might have been my stomach , too . All I had to eat that day was two Oh Henrys . I was hungry , I was tired , and I had work in the morning so I went back to bed . The kid would be fine ; John would let him go . Everything would be fine . John was actually pretty good at catching vandals when motivated . My mobile was hanging on the porch - not a scratch on it . The next evening , Jan didn 't show up for her shift again and I stayed until close . Mr . Greismeyer was parked out front when I left . He called me over . " I can 't , " I said . " Sorry , sir . Another long day . It 's late and I have the contest to work on . " I hated to disappoint him , and it was so nice of him to invite me into his car again , but there was so much to do . I couldn 't afford to lose focus . I caught the last bus , and on the way home from my stop I was startled by a noise coming from Amanda P 's yard . A raccoon was rummaging around in the baby pit . I watched it for a minute and then noticed a man hanging from the tree in her yard . There was a rope around his neck , and his entrails were pouring out from his stomach . It was , of course , a dummy - the entrails were coloured socks . A strange new direction for Amanda P , but it definitely showed creativity . There was a sign stuck to the dummy 's chest , too . I came closer , scaring off the raccoon , so I could read it . The sign said : CHILD MOLESTER . My own decorations , for a change , had been left alone . The mobile was hanging unscathed on my porch , as was the " Beware of Ghost " banner I had stuck to the garage door to cover the graffiti . No rocks , no notes , no nothing . I took off my coat and shoes and he led me into the basement . There were candles lit all around the room . Blue gym mats lay across the floor . I got on my back and John started dragging me around the mats by my feet . It was kind of fun , actually . Then he got down on his knees and started hugging my legs . He was squeezing them pretty hard , but it didn 't hurt . It wasn 't so bad . He hugged my legs for a bit then asked if there was anything I 'd like to try . I said I couldn 't think of anything , but he kept on pressing , so I said that maybe we could try kissing . I mean , John looked pretty good in his sweat suit and he was a talented security guard and I hadn 't kissed anyone for a long time , but he said I was missing the point . Then he turned me over on to my stomach and grabbed me around the waist . He began walking around on his knees and kind of wiping me into the mats . Like he was cleaning them and I was a rag . Things went on like this for almost an hour , and then I excused myself . I was just so tired , and I hadn 't eaten all day . I thanked him for helping me out with the teenagers , and he thanked me for the body games . He said I was just great . I tried to kiss him goodnight , but he closed the door and I went home . That night I dreamt about the cop house , except it wasn 't a nice dream . I 'd say it was almost a nightmare . In the dream , all these policemen were dragging me around their house by my feet . They were taking turns , and sometimes they would bang me into a wall . Then one of them let me fall down the stairs into the basement , and they closed the door on me . It was so dark . I woke up all sweaty and it was dark in my house , too . The next morning I called in sick to work , which was a half - lie . I was just tired . I slept in and spent the rest of the day working on the contest . And I felt guilty because I was supposed to be at the store , but it was worth the guilt because I got so much done . I used a bicycle pump , a funnel , and a piece of window screen to finish off the spider cannon , which worked perfectly . I made so many cotton cobwebs and put them everywhere . More banners , more orange ribbons . A new conductor 's hat for the mummy . I painted a black cat on the lower sash of my front window , and two red circles on the upper sash , so that when you opened the window the lower sash aligned with the upper sash and the cat suddenly had scary red eyes . I peered through the little window . It was Mr . Greismeyer . He had a scarf wrapped around his mouth and he was lying on the floor . He was tied to a chair , which had tipped over . John Seabreeze helped him up and untied him . Mr . Greismeyer was frantic . He yelled at John , and shoved him into the grass . He yelled at his lawyer , who wasn 't even there . Then he yelled at me . I went home and called the police . I was crying on the phone , but the man I spoke to was nice and two officers eventually came . They asked John all kinds of questions , and made Mr . Greismeyer sit in his car until they finished because he kept interrupting . I had to answer a lot of questions , too , but I wasn 't in any trouble . I made the officers coffee and egg - bagels . I also made Mr . Greismeyer an egg - bagel , but he threw it on the ground . John went back inside - there was nothing the police could do , since he was just trying to protect his neighbour . Mr . Greismeyer was furious . As everyone drove away , I saw Amanda P looking out her window at me . I waved , and she ducked out of view . The light in her window went off and I stood on my porch waiting to see if she 'd come back . She didn 't . I could hear the raccoon digging around in her pit . While I wasn 't exactly thrilled I had lost my job , it couldn 't have been better timing . I had a week of distraction - free contest prep time now , and I took full advantage of this opportunity . When life gives you lemons , make a lemonade stand with little scarecrow children proprietors attached by string to the lemonade jug and when someone pours a glass of lemonade the children stand up to collect payment . I crafted like hell the whole week . I woke up early , stayed up late , and my fingers turned black from glue bits and markers . I hung white towels from the tree , and attached little paper hats and glasses to them so they were gentleman ghosts . I found a floodlight in the basement , which I used to illuminate the UFO mobile - it looked perfect . I carved pumpkins , made mini - tombstones for the garden , hung ribbons pretty much everywhere , and cut skeleton silhouettes out of cardboard and painted fun glow - in - the - dark faces on them . The Coffin Express was new - and - improved , and the lemonade stand was a perfect introductory piece at the end of the driveway . I didn 't have a distinct theme like Amanda P 's did - her grotesque , envelope - pushing , gore décor now included heads on pikes and a life - like lawnmower accident scene - but everything in my yard looked nice in a classic Halloween sense . I worked hard and I was proud . The kids left me alone , too . I was worried they 'd come back and inflict even worse damage on my decorations now that I was ignoring John - since the incident with my boss , I decided it would be best to avoid any further distractions - but the neighbourhood was quiet . In fact , when I passed teens on my way to the store they 'd cross to the other side of the street . There must have been rumours going around . Mr . Greismeyer made a few appearances . He 'd park on my street at night and drink in his car . I think he wanted me to come out and sit with him , but I stayed inside . I didn 't want to encourage him . I had work to do . I kept my focus on the contest , but it didn 't really matter in the end . When Devil 's Night came , Amanda P won the bucket . She deserved it though , really . She took such a huge risk with her theme . I thought the judges , who were mostly old women , would find her display much too disturbing . Even I was creeped out and couldn 't look at her lawn without clenching my teeth a little , but it shows you how the judges based their decisions on artistic merit . Amanda was a true artist . There was so much I could learn from her . When they said her name everyone clapped for a full minute . I joined in , of course . I think I clapped the loudest . Then I waited in line to shake Amanda 's hand , congratulated her on the big win , and went home . I was exhausted . I sat on my couch , thinking I 'd just rest for a minute and reflect on the day , but I tipped over and fell asleep . It was dark outside when I woke up , and my stomach made these noises . I went to make an egg - bagel , but my hands were trembling and I dropped all of the eggs . The whole carton hit the kitchen floor and all the eggs broke . I took a cloth and started wiping up the mess , but I guess I was crying because I couldn 't see too well and my hands were still trembling . I just kind of spread the eggshells around and then I started yelling . I 'm not sure what I was yelling , exactly , but it was probably something to do with Amanda P because that 's who I was thinking about . It was all kind of a blur . Basically , I was thinking about how she had won the contest but that it wasn 't fair because her display was gross and upsetting , while mine was family - friendly . How Amanda 's yard was actually frightening the neighbourhood kids and my yard was only spooky in a fun way , and it wasn 't fair . How nothing is ever goddamn fair and people like Amanda waltzed around receiving candy for psychologically damaging little children . I kept yelling until my throat stung . My hands were covered in eggshells . It felt like I wasn 't in control of my body - that it was just doing things on its own . For instance , when I went into the craft cupboard and gathered up all my paint tubes and put them in a shopping bag . Did I really do that ? I checked the label of Lake Placid Blue to make sure that the brand was flammable , and then I went into the kitchen and grabbed the barbeque lighter . I put on my boots and went outside . The contest festivities were over and the street was empty . I was in a state or possibly a trance . I walked over to Amanda P 's yard and squirted paint into her baby pit . I squirted and squirted and threw the empty tubes into the pit as well . The baby dolls were covered in a rainbow topping of paint squirts . I pulled out the barbeque lighter and was about to ignite everything , when I heard shouting from inside Amanda P 's house . I ran home and locked the door . The shouting had jolted me out of the trance . I felt like myself again , like I was in control , which meant I also felt shame . Why would I ruin Amanda P 's baby pit ? She had won fair and square . Good thing I was stopped before I had lit the pit up . And the most shameful thing of all was that I also felt kind of good - like I noticed this warm feeling deep inside me over what I 'd done and what I 'd planned on doing . Like a part of me was proud of the paint squirts . This made me feel even more ashamed . I paced around the house , focusing on my shame and ignoring my secret pride until I tired myself out and hit the couch again . I fell asleep with my boots on . He stood on their porch with a bottle in his hand . Amanda P was running across the street , to my house . I went to unlock the front door and she was already pounding on it . So I told her about the cop house ; how there was this little house only a block away from our street where all the police officers lived . That they wore their uniforms while they did chores , and had special blue cop pajamas with red stripes down the side , too . That they had barbeques and laughed and watched the weather channel together . That they had a heated pool in the backyard and did cannonballs . " No , " I said . I struggled to keep my eyes open , but it was important that I hide my fatigue . I needed to be there for my old friend . " They sleep in one big bedroom on the second floor . They have bunk beds . And every night , once all the cops and their families are under their blankets and the light is off , they sing a song together . A goodnight song . " I took her up to my old bedroom , plugged in the dehumidifier , and brought her a glass of milk . She went right to sleep and I stood in the doorway . She looked so vulnerable , lying there . The only thing protecting her from the frightening world outside Mom 's house - my house - was me . I was in charge . |
Sorry I didn 't post yesterday . . . the internet was acting flaky ! Friday was pretty uneventful , all in all . The biggest news is that Liam tried slices of kiwi fruit for the first time . He wasn 't sure of it at first , but ended up eating quite a bit . This morning the kiwi came out the other end . . . needless to say kiwi seeds in a diaper are pretty unappetizing ! Today Liam tried some graham crackers with his dinner . Graham crackers were a big hit , although I had to keep close watch on him so that he didn 't choke . I 'm sure graham crackers will be less offensive the day after . : ) This morning we all woke well rested because Liam slept through the night for the past two nights ! [ Now I would appreciate it you would take a moment knock on wood for me , so as to not jinx us ! ] Anyways , Liam slept from 8 : 30pm - 5am on Thursday night and fro 9pm - 5am on Friday night . Of course , I didn 't actually go to sleep till later , but I still appreciated getting 6 hours of sleep with limited interruptions two nights in a row ! Liam stirred both nights , but was able to sooth himself back to sleep all but one time . Maybe there is hope for continued good sleep in the house . [ Cross your fingers ! ] Around 10am this morning , we had a visit from Ashtyn and her mommy , Alissa . We had planned to go for a walk with them , but the weather didn 't cooperate . So instead we let the babies play in the apartment while we talked . Ashtyn has gotten so big and is such a cute little girl . Her face is so grown up ! After lunch , Liam went down for a nap and I got to go to the salon for the first time in ages ! I found out that my favorite hairdresser is expecting and her baby 's due date is a week before Liam 's birthday . I told her to get as much sleep now as she could , ' cause it all changes once the baby comes . My hair cut looks great , but I was astonished by how much more gray is visible this time . . . At least now I can blame it on the baby instead of the dissertation . When I got home , Liam played with his daddy and I for a little . Then we decided to go look at houses arounPosted by We had an uneventful morning before 5 year - old Gabe came a little after 10am . We played in the apartment for a bit and watched " Wallace and Gromet 's Grand Day Out " . The favorite toy for both Liam and Gabe was the Fisher - Price piano that I picked up for a couple dollars at Goodwill last night . A little later we took a stroll down to the local park . Liam rode on my back while I played with Gabe . We played on the swings , blew bubbles , drew on the sidewalks with chalk , and made believe that we were taking our own voyage to the moon . It 's amazing how mellow Liam is around other children . . . he really enjoys watching and learning from them . We came back to the apartment for lunch and then went back down to the park until Gabe 's mom came to pick him up . We left a bunch of pictures on the sidewalk for people to enjoy . Liam and I were both tired out when we got back home and we took a long afternoon nap together on the recliner . Daddy fed Liam his dinner tonight , which allowed me to get a shower ( Yeah ! ) . Then we all sat on the floor and played and talked for most of the evening . PS - Hard to believe , but Liam is 34 weeks old today and just shy of 8 months . My how time flies ! After Liam missed his one day of daycare last week , I was worried about how he would do today . He did surprisingly well considering he 's teething again . I stayed nearby just in case , but the daycare providers manage to get him to eat from a bottle and even put him down for a short nap ! I think that he is starting to feel more comfortable around the gals that work there and isn 't quite as intimidated by the other babies . I was so please to hear that he played well with the other mobile babies ( that 's Liam in the middle of the photo ) , rather than crying all the time . I got a lot of work done too . . . next week we 'll try a whole day of daycare . Once we came home Liam was pretty tired , but keyed up at the same time . I had to work pretty hard to get him to settle down for a nap . Once he did , we both snoozed in my bed for nearly two hours . For dinner , Lian tried organic rice krispies tonight . He enjoyed playing with them and managed to get a few in his mouth . They make a better finger food than cheerios at this point , because they are not as hard . Liam has become even more vocal lately . He makes little screams and squeals when he gets excited . He often babbles various consonants and vowels too . He will also try to parrot back any word that you say to him several times . Although Sean is sad that he doesn 't want to say dada anymore . He is constantly trying to get him to say dada . . . the more he asks , the more Liam resists . I think it 's kind of funny , but it also shows me how headstrong he is ! PS - Check out the photo I added to the post on March 25th . I forgot to download the photos from that camera until today . I love this picture of Liam with Grandpa John ! Last night Liam was up between 2 - 5am . This made for a long night and an even longer day . On top of that , Liam 's daddy was also sick and stayed home from work today . We all had a lazy morning . At lunchtime while Sean napped , I gave Liam his first saltine crackers . He ate them up and did really good with biting off small enough pieces to chew . After I finished my lunch , I fed him some sweet potatoes too . We enjoyed our lunch while watching Mr . Rogers . . . I know , I know . . . babies shouldn 't watch TV . But it just happened to be on when I flipped through the channels to see the weather forecast and it was an entertaining show about balloons today ! After lunch we let daddy rest some more and went to Sarah and Elie 's house again for a playdate . As usual , the munchkins had a good time playing . Before we left , I also let Liam walk barefoot on their lawn , which was starting to turn green . He was a little unsure about it and especially surprised when he put his hands down to crawl . I can 't wait to take him to the beach to walk in sand ! PS - I can 't believe that I almost forgot to post that Liam 's forth incisor cut through today . Now he 's looking so much older than his age with four little teeth in his mouth ! ( added 3 / 28 / 07 ) I know this post will make all you moms out there laugh at me , because I know it only get worse . But being a mom to a 7 month - old baby is a lot of work ! Liam is just SO full of energy and determination . Today I was endlessly retrieving him from various " dangerous " spots in the apartment . During his short morning nap , I did a little more to baby - proof our place . But now that he can pull himself up to stand , he as to try out every object to see if it is suitable for the task of standing . . . the speaker , the futon , the recliner , mommy 's arm , the other speaker , the playpen , his crib , his fabric tunnel , the empty box of baby wipes , the rocking chair , mommy 's leg , the ottoman , the book shelf . . . you get the idea ! Because he was standing up so much in his crib I also lowered the mattress to the lowest setting . Liam gets grumpy if you interrupt him while he 's trying to stand . As you can see from the pictures that he 's elated every time he pulls himself up ! I did get a brief respite from chasing him at lunch time . I put him in his walker and filed the tray with banana slices and cheerios . He had a ball mushing them around and trying to pick them up . He can pick up the cheerios , but has a hard time eating them . While the bananas are easy to eat , they are hard to pick up . So after he played for a while , I fed him the banana slices . The weather was like mid - June today . I had actually planned on going to the NINO meeting with him this morning , but when I stepped outside I decided the weather was too good to miss and it would be better to go for a walk . So we took a stroll down to the Scott Woods and walked all the way to an adjoining park called Hawk Island . We watched the mallards in the lake . We took a second walk after daddy came home . This time we drove to Hawk Island and then walked around the lake . We had hoped to fly our kites too , but last night 's thunderstorm had completely soaked the grass and it was too wet . I tried my best to be a responsible parent and put sunglasses and a hat on Liam while we were out in the sun . UnfoPosted by We had a busy weekend . On Saturday , grandma and grandpa came back up to get grandpa 's new motorcycle . They brought uncle Brad and cousin Jeremy with them too . While the guys went to pick up the cycle , Liam napped and I talked with grandma . Eventually Liam woke up and was eager to play with grandma . He showed her how well he can pull himself up to standing and how he could crawl on his hands and knees . Once the guys returned we all went out for a late lunch at Culver 's . Liam got to play in the highchair for a while , then grandpa held him while everyone finished up their deserts . It was all too soon that our guests had to head home . Liam always seems sad when people leave . . . our home was quite and boring again . Today we had plans for outdoor activities . BUT mother nature was against us and it rained all morning . So we decided to take a road trip to Canton , Michigan , to the IKEA store . We were all blown away by how big and busy it was there . Liam joyfully rode around in the kart looking at all the people and neat things . Sean and I demonstrated considerable restraint and left with spending less than $ 30 . Not surprisingly , everything we got was for Liam . We got him this cool fabric tunnel to play in , as well as a wooden stack ' em toy and some small stuffed animals . By the time we got home it was sunny and over 70 degrees . . . we contemplated getting our kites out and going to the park , but we were all too tuckered out . The weekend goes by so quickly ! I 've have been diligently working on getting rid of Liam 's yeast infection . In addition to starting us both on some probiotics to help rebuild the healthy flora in our bodies , I 've also been giving him regular vinegar and tea tree oil baths to help kill the yeast . So far it has been very stubborn and he is still quite red . At least the swelling has started to go down . I just hope that I don 't have to give him any more antibiotics for a while . . . they sure have made life complicated ! I found out that I wasn 't alone in dealing with yeast when we went to the crawlers playgroup today . Another mom and her son had yeast , which was making breastfeeding very painful . We commiserated and some of the other mom 's gave us tips on how they treated their little ones for yeast . Other than ouchy diaper changes , Liam has been quite playful and happy . He even endured a trip to the laundromat with me in the afternoon . He got to crawl around and explore while at the playgroup and played with all the toys . At home he even played contently by himself for a little bit ! We are looking forward to a warm weekend to go outside and play . Well he finally did it . . . Liam pulled himself up to a standing position using the furniture ! This morning he noticed daddy 's book ( with the enticing shiny cover ) sitting in the loveseat . It took him a minute or two , but he quickly pulled himself up to see if he could grab the book . When he realized that he couldn 't quite reach it , he tried standing on his tippy - toes . Eventually he shifted his attention to the blankets piled on the ottoman and surprised me by taking steps over to it . This past week he has been trying to pull himself up using Sean or myself while we sat and played on the floor with him . Now it 's official - Liam can stand up by himself with the support of an object ! PS - After dinner , we all took a walk around our neighborhood to look at the houses for sale . Liam rode on my back in the Hoppediz . It 's so nice that the weather is warm enough to go outside again . We sure missed our walks during the winter ! Last night Liam gave us a real scare , when he started coughing and wheezing . I fed him and put him to bed . When he woke around 1 : 30am he was much worse and it scared Sean and I so much that we decided to take him to the Emergency room . The triage nurse saw us and we got registered . He had no fever and was breathing a little better once we got there . We waited and waited , and there were a lot of scary characters there . Finally , around 4am we decided it was more important for all of us to get some sleep , since they obviously didn 't think he was in immediate danger . We all went home and piled into bed together . As soon as the pediatricians office opened , I called to make an appointment . He saw another doctor in the practice , who was very nice . It turns out that Liam has both croup and bronchitis . And to make matters worse , he also has a yeast infection from his previous round of antibiotics . The poor little guy ! Liam seemed to take it all in stride . Even though he must be feeling quite bad , he was pretty happy today and played a lot when he was awake . It was kinda scary how fast the croup came on . There was no indication that he was coming down with something prior to last night . Hopefully he will recover in a couple days . . . he 's definitely had his share of illness in the past month . Liam got up at 4am again this morning . Luckily I was able to get him to go back to sleep at 6am . Later , we enjoyed a leisure morning . I read a couple books to him and we also spent some time doing yoga ( which mommy 's back really needed ) . My Friend , Sara , has been trying to establish a regular playdate at her house for several of her friends and their little ones . She 's had a hard time getting everyone together at one time . . . we missed the last couple get - togethers . This morning I gave her a call to see if she was having another one and she told us to come on over at 1pm . Liam had so much fun playing with her daughter Elie , as well as Lindsey 's little girl , Marlow . Elie had the best toy . It was a fabric tunnel made by Ikea . Liam giggled up a storm as he crawled and rolled through it over and over again . Liam also enjoyed Sara 's pets . He giggle when her birds chirped and got surprising " kiss " on the mouth from her dog , Cody . We had so much fun playing that we lost all track of time , till daddy called at 4pm . After dinner , daddy played with Liam so that I could work a little . Liam 's favorite thing to do was to climb over daddy and pull himself up to standing . Liam has become enamored with being able to stand up . PS - Monday morning I was up feeding Liam when his daddy left for work . Sean came over and gave him a kiss . Then as he was going out the door Liam looked at me with this sad face , his little lip sticking out . He didn 't want daddy to go . When Sean came home from work , we were practicing standing and Liam was so happy to see his daddy come through the door ! Liam woke at 4am again this morning . I couldn 't get him back to sleep , so everyone ( including grandma and grandpa ) was up around 5 : 30am . That was ok , because we spent the morning first playing with Liam , then talking while he took a nap . Around 9am Liam woke up and his grandparent had to head home . I don 't know if he was just swinging his arm or really waving bye - bye , but Liam appeared to wave to his grandparents as they were leaving . . . I have been working with him on waving for the past couple weeks . Mommy , Daddy , and baby all rested for the remainder of the morning . After lunch we went to the Fenner Nature Center 's Maple Sugar Festival . The Fenner Nature Center is a nice nature preserve just down the street from where we live . Though it was sunny today , there was a cold wind . So we bundled up and took a stroll through the woods and watched them boil maple sap into syrup . Sorry no pictures , I remembered my camera , but forgot to put a new disk in it . . . : ( Next we went to our favorite paint - your - own ceramic studio to make some Easter keepsakes for Liam . We ran into our friends Dan and Annie , and there 8mo . old son , Aidan . I painted an egg . Sean and Liam collaborated on an egg together . We look forward to seeing how everything turns out ! I fed Liam a big dinner tonight . He had his usual cereal with Prevacid mixing in it for his GERD . Then he had some pureed sweet peas . And for desert , he ate some frozen apple sauce . This St . Patrick 's Day Liam woke super early at 4am and decided it was time to start his day . He took a short nap between 7 and 8am , but was up when his Grandma and Grandpa arrived . Sean 's parents came up to visit from Indiana . After grandma and grandpa got play and snuggle time with the baby , we all went out to the Kawasaki Dealer , where grandpa bought a lovely green and silver Vulcan 1600 . He has been eying the bike for a year and finally got the deal he wanted . Liam was very excited about the dealership and enjoyed trying out grandpa 's new wheels ( see picture ) . Later we all took a drive to Eaton Rapids to look houses . Liam played with grandpa in the backseat of the car as we drove around . Afterwards we had dinner at Steak ' N Shake . As you can see , we couldn 't resist dressing Liam up in the little paper hat they brought us . I think it 's so funny that waitresses always assume Liam is a toddler . Whenever we 've eaten out lately , they bring him crayons and toys . I asked for an extra spoon for him to play with and allowed him to crumple and play with his placemat for a bit . . . but crayons are a little out of his league for the time being . Yesterday Liam and I made a rare trip to the MSU campus to drop off a few things . In honor of the big game , he wore his little MSU shirt . Liam enjoyed walking around outside and seeing all the sweet secretary 's in the department who all flirted with him . Then we went to pick up his foot - print tile that we made last weekend . We also made a stop to pick up some prefold diapers - we 've decided it 's time to do our own diapers rather than use a service . Thursday evening after I fed Liam his usual pureed meal , I gave him a few organic cheerios to try . He had lots of fun picking them up and putting them in his mouth . Very few actually stayed in his mouth though . . . I think he only ate one and a half O 's . Much to my surprise after all than food he still wanted to nurse too . He must be growing again ! Today we hung out at home most of the day . I sewed a few diaper doublers while he played nearby . Liam was really craving my attention though , so I didn 't complete everything . He has been so clingy that he cries if I even take a step away . He will crawl after me and cry " mamaaa " ! I wanted to get a quick shower before we went out in the afternoon , so I put Liam in his walker next to the shower . But as as soon as I stepped behind the curtain he would cry . I tried to play peek - a - boo with him and make silly faces or wave from behind the curtain , still he cried . I was feeling so down about how often Liam cries that I gave my mom a call to see if this was " normal " for a seven month - old baby . She assured me that all babies go through similar needy times . I still feel like a bad mother for how many times a day he is sent sobbing . . . hopefully this stage will pass quickly ! On a lighter note , I took him to a local craft store in the afternoon just to get out of the house - he always love to go shopping . We picked out some scrap booking supplies and looked all around the store . When we got home Liam was bushed and feel asleep still in his coat . I couldn 't resist taking his picture ! This morning we were up and out of the house by 7 : 45am to go to Liam 's first day of daycare . Thank goodness we decided to start him with just a half day , because he was pretty unsettled about the experience . I figured that I was going to take it worse than him , but he was unsure about the daycare providers and about the other babies . He started out playing ok , but whenever the other babies started to gang up on him to play with his toy he would get upset . He 'd look for me and if he didn 't see me he 'd start to cry . So I spent most of the time in and out of the room to comfort him . As I expected , he refused to nap until he was completely exhausted and fell asleep just before we had to leave . He also decided he wasn 't going to eat from a bottle either . . . ugh ! They told me that all his behavior was normal for newcomers , and not to worry . Apparently he did play happily for around an hour . I hope that next week will go smoother . Rather than having more time to work I just feel frazzled . . . Once we came home in the afternoon he was really clingy and I gave him extra attention . We played and roughhoused for nearly an hour . I let him crawl all over me and there was lots of tickling and giggling . We had a lot of fun , but it wore me out ! PS - There is no doubt in my mind that Liam knows what mama means and how to use it . This evening I was sitting in a chair while he played on the floor . At one point he crawled over to me and rather forcefully said " mama " and grabbed my leg . He obviously wanted me to pick him up ! He also said what sounded like " birdy " at dinner time . I was feeding him in his highchair , near our pet birds cages . Just moments before I was talking to him about the birds because they were boisterously signing . He is definitely trying to communicate ! This morning , while I was getting out clothes for Liam , he figured out how to pull himself up in his crib . When I turned around I was surprised to see him kneeling and holding onto the side of the crib ! Oh No ! Time to lower the crib already ! So I lowered the mattress another notch , only to find him doing the same thing again this evening ( see photo ) . Doesn 't he look proud of himself ! I suppose this means we 'll have to move the mattress all the way down . . . he 's so tall that I 'm not sure it will work once he starts walking . Today I watched a colleague 's 5 - year old son , Gabe . Luckily the weather was super warm today , so we went to the zoo to pass the time . It gave me a taste of what it would be like to have another child . Gabe is a very well behaved little boy , so it was fairly easy . . . but still exhausting . It 's definitely a challenge to juggle the needs of two children of such different ages . Both Gabe and Liam wanted my attention , but in different ways . Gabe wanted me to play and talk with him . Liam also wanted to play and roughhouse and needed to be fed too . Luck for me Gabe got to go home at 2 : 30 and then Liam and I could nap together for a bit . Once Sean came home , we all walked down to the park for a picnic since the weather was so great . I even put a little pair of sandals on Liam . . . these were mine when I was a baby . I took Liam for a ride on the swing - set in my lap . He also got to experience the slide for the first time . I released him a few feet from the bottom of the slide and daddy caught him at the bottom . Too bad the great weather is not going to last ! Since last Friday , Liam has been pretty irritable and has been constantly pulling on his ears . Because he 's had so many earaches , Sean and I are cautious , and we took him back to the doctor today . We found out that this time it 's teething , not an earache ! Thank goodness ! The doctor said that his upper left incisor is just starting to poke through . . . no wonder . So tonight Liam gets a nice frozen treat to ease his gums . Earlier today Liam 's friend , Hannah , came to visit with her mommy , Eva . They had lunch with us and the babies got to crawl around and play together . Hannah has gotten really good at standing up and was showing off her new skills . Hannah and Liam look so much alike . . . they could be twins . The weather has been so wonderful the past couple days . It 's been sunny and rather warm . So the three of us took a trip to the zoo . Liam finally got to see the reef exhibit ( he has always either been asleep or the exhibit closed on all our previous visits ) . He got excited about the brightly colored fish and reached for them . We also saw the farm animals and big cats . In the primate house , the lemurs were a big hit again . Unfortunately , he tuckered out before we got even half way through and we headed out of the zoo . Once in the car he continued to nap , so Sean and I decided to take a short drive to another house dealer . By luck they happened to be open and we got to tour several homes . This place sells both stick - built and manufactured homes . They were very helpful . We finally got a quote for a home that is within our budget . It was a ranch - style manufactured home that is designed for urban lots . . . which is what were are looking for . It 's probably time to get a realtor and a loan pre - approval . . . maybe we can have a new home in time for Liam 's first birthday ! I finally got a good picture of Liam 's little teeth . I snapped this picture on our way out to the zoo . Click on the picture to see a larger version of it . PS - I added a counter to this page last week . I know many have been visiting . . . please leave comments to let us know who you are and what you think . . . don 't be shy ! Well the past couple days have been busy ones . Liam was quite a handful on Friday . I think his ears were really bothering him . We went to our first " crawlers " gathering on Friday morning . Liam was the youngest there , most of the babies were actually walkers , not crawlers . I think Liam was a little jealous of how well the other babies could get around . Friday evening , Sean saw Liam crawl on his hands and knees . . . something he has been building up to , but not done more than a couple times before . I guess he learned something from watching all the other babies today ! At bed time , I put Liam in his crib awake and he actually soothed himself to sleep . Way to go ! This morning Liam showed me how he could crawl on his hands and knees . He got about half way across the living room before he went back to his belly crawl . In the afternoon we got a visit from my parents . Of course Liam 's grandma and grandpa showered him with love and affection . Liam especially enjoyed crawling over grandma like a jungle - gym . Later we all took Liam to the pottery studio to make foot prints on a tile . Yes , that 's a picture of Liam 's daddy painting his foot . . . but don 't worry it 's non - toxic . We had to try a couple times , but the prints ended up great ! This morning I gave Liam a bottle of water while changing him . I was talking to him about how much he loved water when he suddenly said , " wawa " ! I think this is his fourth word . So far he 's said dada , mama , granma , and wawa . Not bad for a seven month old . On another note , diaper changes have become a total battle . Liam refuses to cooperate anymore , especially in the evening before bedtime . I constantly tries to roll over and crawl away and if he can 't then he screams and cries at the top of his lungs . Or he will kick constantly and grab at our arms . Sometimes you can distract him for short periods of time with a toy or bottle , but that doesn 't always work . This afternoon we had a special visit from Carmen and her son Lars . We met Carmen and Lars at our mommy - baby yoga class . Lars was born just two days after Liam . The boys had lots of fun playing together in yoga class so Carmen and I decided to set up playdates . It also turns out that they live in the same neighborhood as us ! So once the weather turns warm we can take walks , go to the zoo , and go to yard sales together . PS - I finally got around to taking pictures of Liam with his plate that we made for his six month birthday . . . he is so ready to be a baby model ! Today Liam and I both needed something fun to do , since we 'd spent some much time in a doctor 's office the rest of the week . So after his morning nap we headed to the community center pool . During the week , the only open swim time they have is for " seniors " . We got a lot of looks from the retirees as Liam splashed and squeeled in delight . I think he is a natural swimmer , he tried to do a doggy paddle all on his own . It didn 't upset him when he splashed water on his own face . Maybe I should spend the money for baby swim lessons . . . Well today started great . . . even though Liam was up nearly every hour last night , he slept in till 7am . We played and then took a nice morning nap together . BUT . . . after we woke I made the terrible mistake of leaving him in my bed as I got dressed . I had my back turned for a moment , while changing my shirt , and I heard the most awful sound in the universe . . . the sound of my boy 's head hitting the floor . I should have known better ! ! ! I can 't believe that I let it happen ! He cried for a minute and I comforted him . After we both got over the shock , I checked his eyes and head , then called Sean and the pediatrician . Luckily we already had an appointment to see Liam 's doctor this afternoon , so I was able to have him checked out . His doctor said he looked fine , just bruised . What a relief ! But it still doesn 't erase my guilt for letting it happen . I certainly won 't be winning any mothering awards for today 's performance . The rest of the day passed without incident . Although I did find out that Liam has another ear infection and will have to go back on antibiotics . Ugh ! Ok , I apologize because this post is going to focus mostly on me . I 've been dealing with a sinus / ear infection for over a week now . I was hoping that my body would fight it off on its own . However , the infection has been made worse by the fact that I 'm still getting up 3 or more times a night with Liam . So today I was running a 100 + degree temp all day and feeling a little delirious . I called my doc and set up an appointment for 4pm . While I love my doctor , he was running about an hour behind schedule . . . so poor Liam was pretty tired while we waited and waited . Then I heard some bad news . My doctor was concerned that I have had nearly a dozen sinus infections in the past year . . . ever since I went off allergy meds during the pregnancy and now while breastfeeding . He strongly recommended going back on allergy medication or face possible surgery . Of course taking medication means that I will have to stop breastfeeding Liam . This upsets me because I am committed to breastfeeding for at least a year . We had a lot of breastfeeding problems when Liam was a newborn and went the extra mile of hiring a lactation consultant to work through it . So as you can imagine , I didn 't take this news well . Now I need to do as much research ( and pumping ) as I can before I have to make a decision . Now for some news about Liam . . . He was very good for me today , which was a blessing since I was so ill . I read to him in the morning and we did some light play between feedings and naps . This evening while he played , Sean and I noticed that he is no longer crawling with his belly on the ground . He can hold his tummy up and is using his knees more to support himself . Liam definitely moves quickly ! He has been also trying to pull himself up to sitting and standing , but has not been successful . . . yet . Today we had a visit from our friend Ashtyn and her mommy , Alissa . Ashtyn is about one month older than Liam . Alissa and I have been doing outings and playdates with the babies since Liam was just a month old . The last time we saw Ashtyn was at her 6 month birthday party . Now the two of them are getting big . You can see them playing together in the picture above . In typical baby - style , they were taking toys away from each other . Ashtyn is such a cute little girl , with big hazel - brown eyes . She proudly said " Mama " while visiting us . Liam tried to suck on her toes ( he does that with all the girls ! ) . In the evening , I decided to check out this online alphabet game for babies at fisher - price . com that Alissa told me about . She said that Ashtyn loved to push buttons on her keyboard to make it go to the next letter . So I tried it out on Liam since he has shown such an interest in my computer . Much to my surprise , he was a little unsettled and would look like he was about to cry every time a new letter came up on the screen . I 'm not sure what scared him . Perhaps it was the noises that the animals made or the computer talking to him . I tried the game again a little later and this time he was still unsure , but we went through the entire alphabet . I think he will get into it more in the future . . . he does like to press buttons on the keyboard . PS - Last night we tried out the fitted diaper that I bought on Friday . It worked pretty well for nighttime , but didn 't hold as much as my homemade diaper inserts . I might have to reverse engineer it and make some fitted diapers of my own . I am getting tired of paying for the diaper service . . . I can hardly believe that 7 months have passed already ! It seems like yesterday that we were bring a tiny newborn home . Now Liam is a little person with a sense of humor , likes and dislikes , ever expanding mobility , and a beautiful smile . This morning Liam woke early and by 8 : 30am took a nap . After he woke we piled in the car and took a drive to Jackson in order to visit a modular home retailer . We have considered building a modular home if we cannot find an existing home that we like . Liam was a perfect angel on our trip and seemed to enjoy being strolled around in a bunch of houses . He was tuckered out on the drive home and took another nap . I have been feeling under the weather , so once we got home I took a nap while Daddy and Liam played . Liam really enjoys rough - housing , especially being flown around and tickled . I took this picture after I got up . . . I had to get at least one photo of him wearing his MSU gear . At dinner time Liam joined the " green bean team " with his first taste of green beans . He didn 't even make a face , like he usually does when he tries something new . Liam really loves his green vegetables ! He was so excited at bath time that he kicked and splashed a bunch . He was being so cute that I had to get a picture . If you look really close you can see his little teeth in his bath picture . . . it 's been so hard to get a photo of his new teeth . PS - The past couple of nights I have been able to successfully put Liam down in his crib while he is still slightly awake . He doesn 't crie like he was doing before . I just rub his back or tummy a little and let him nuzzle my other had till he is settled . It is a relief that being put in his crib no longer makes him upset . Now if we could only get him to sleep more than three hours before waking . . . PPS - I almost forgot two other significant things from today . First , while Liam was playing in the morning , he had figured out how to dismantle his stacking ring . So he was playing with the hollow tube . He figured out that when he babbled into the tube his voice sounded Posted by Today was our last visit at the pre - crawlers gathering at the local birth center . Lot 's of moms and babies came today , despite the weather . It was fun to see all the little ones , especially a tiny 2 week old little girl . But at the same time it was a little sad that Liam has outgrown this group . It seems like only yesterday that I took him for the first time when he was just 4 weeks old . It is definitely true , as everyone says , that " they grow up so fast ! " Liam was showing off by crawling all over . His main goal was to look at everyone 's feet . . . he kinda has a foot fetish . He also got some good play time with Hannah , who is 8 months old ( see photo ) . Because Liam was sick earlier this week , we had to cancel Wednesday 's playdate with Hannah and her mom , Eva . So it was nice that they got to see each other and play today . In fact , Hannah got upset when it was time to leave and she could no longer play . . . how cute is that ! Hopefully , they will get another chance to play next week . Last night Liam 's fever broke , but his daddy developed one . So Sean called in sick this morning , and we all spent a rather lazy day together recuperating . Liam seems to be improving , but is still congested and has a pretty nasty cough . His mood is definitely improved though . He was really playful today and wanted to be tickled a lot . At dinner time , Liam finished up his carrots and I treated him to a teething biscuit too . Needless to say , he was pretty messy after eating , so it was off to the bath . He sits so well now that I don 't bother to use the baby tub anymore . Instead I put an inch of warm water in the big bath tub . He enjoys splashing around in the water . . . we need to make another trip to the pool sometime soon ! |
Eula Golding Walters beside an interpretive display at Rocky Knob Visitor Information Center on the Blue Ridge Parkway at milepost 169 ; her mother , Lavada Mae Creed Golding , is shown on top of the haystack and her father , Woodrow Golding is passing the hay up to his wife . The photograph was taken in 1953 . Each time I hear that old Bluegrass refrain , I think of my Mother . It was a line that she never grew tired of singing , and I never grew tired of hearing her sing it , although I never failed to shiver as I felt that cold wind blowing thru the pines as she sang those words . I 'd much rather listen to her singing , " You Are my Sunshine . " Even though it too was a sad song , just hearing her sing the words made me happy . I so wish I could hear her sing either or both of them once more . Now that I am older , and in the position of being the " senior Mother " of my own family , I can look back more clearly on time spent with my own mother as she aged . I see myself in my children as they give me that certain look , telling me without words that I 'm too old to be doing certain things , that I am losing my grip on my thoughts , words and deeds . In other words they see me as old . That 's how I saw my mother during those last years . Of course in the end , that is how she was , and she did need us to intervene and do , think and act on her behalf . But long before that , I think , I and her other four daughters saw her only as an older woman , and not necessarily the mother who had raised us and taught us so many things , and was still much the same person she had always been . I see now that we unwittingly attempted to take her independence away from her too quickly , that we should have allowed her to determine whether or not she could or should do a certain thing . For that I am sorry . And I am paying for it as I watch my own children do it to me . I guess that 's what they call the circle of life . I 'd like to tell you about my Mother . To most she was probably a very ordinary person , wife and mother . There were times when I thought of her as just ordinary , but I 'm thankful that for the most part , I knew that she was very extra - ordinary . She wasn 't " modern , " sophisticated or well educated . Her ways were countrified . . . citified would never have suited her . She lived a hard life , and while I can 't say that she thrived , she certainly did endure and made the most of what life handed her . Mother was born Lavada Mae Creed in Grayson County , Virginia , near Fisher 's Peak Mountain in 1920 , the daughter of Matthew and Frankie Goodson Creed , the great granddaughter of Leander Goodson , the famous mountaineer of the 1800 's . She was the last living child of seven children , born to older parents . A younger brother died when he was six . A letter to Lavada from Woodrow while he was stationed in Germany . Her brothers were all grown and married and had children of their own when her 43 year old mother gave birth to her . She weighed less than three pounds at birth , and was placed in a small box padded with towels , and put on the warmer of the wood cook stove to be kept warm and safe from rats . You 'd think she would have been spoiled plenty just for surviving such a meager beginning ; but she lived in the shadow of her older sister who had been very ill with Saint Vitus Dance [ Sydenham 's chorea ] at a young age , thus causing a weak heart and a bit slow of mind . Still , Mother was a happy little girl , content to tag along with her Papa , picking and packing Galax leaves , then taking them to the store where she would collect the five cents she had earned . She told me of the time that she begged her Papa to let her spend her nickel at the store on candy as soon as she was paid . He let her do it , but on the way home , he broke off a twig and switched her behind with it . Money was precious and not to be spent frivolously . . . she " always got candy at Christmas , and didn 't need it any other time . " She learned that lesson well and that was the only spanking she ever got . She also loved playing with her niece , Clyde , who was a couple years younger than she , and who spent a lot of time with her Grandpa and Grandma Creed . They each had a doll that Mother 's oldest brother , Conley , had bought for them . He had left home , married and became a Roanoke City policeman . Her older sister , Aunt Lavona and Mother had large , beautiful dolls , and Clyde , being " just a niece , " got a much smaller one . Mother loved her doll and hated that Grandma made her let Clyde play with it whenever she wanted to . Clyde didn 't take good care of it and left it out in the rain one night , and it was ruined . Gone was the only store bought doll she ever owned . As so many of that time were , Mother 's family was very poor . They had owned land , but Grandma 's brother had tricked them out of it . He drove their pigs out of their lot and while Grandpa and Grandma Creed were busy getting them rounded up and back in , he went into the house , stole the deed , as well as their money , and paid a crooked judge to change the name on the deed . Grandpa and Grandma never owned a home of their own after that . As poor as they were , and as many hardships as they had , they still held onto their dignity , their upbringing , pride and manners . Mother told that every day Grandma would cook a good supper for the family and set it on the table . However , no one ate until Grandpa sat down at the table . It didn 't matter how long they had to wait for him to come home , they still waited . Then , no one took a dish until Grandpa was served , and passed that dish onto someone else . He was the head of his house and was treated as such . Woodrow and Lavada Golding with their eight children . Thankfully , even though they lived thru the big depression of the 1930 's , they didn 't suffer as badly as many others . For one thing , they had no money or job to lose . They lived off their land , planting everything they ate . Grandpa whittled axe handles and other small implements to bring in some income , as well as the Galax leaves , harvesting ginseng , shaunahaul , and other herbs , barks and roots . What they missed the most was sugar , coffee , snuff and chewing tobacco . Grandpa was a " chawer " and Grandma was a " dipper . " She always had her snuff stick in her mouth , made from a Sassafras twig . She would chew the end until it was much like a brush , then dip it in the snuff jar and put the stick in her jaw . She used an empty snuff glass as a spittoon . I still have one of her coveted snuff glasses . Mother too , secretly dipped snuff . Going into seventh grade she was forced to switch schools . She didn 't dress as well as the other girls , talked " hillbilly , " and wore her hair down past her waist when short hair was in style . I also recently learned that upon her Mama 's insistence , she often wore it up on her head in a bun , with finger waves pushed into the front . She hated this hair style and never wore it once she left home . She was teased about all this by the other girls . After just a week , she sneaked her Mama 's scissors , cut her hair off to her ears and declared that she was never going back to school . And she didn 't . She stayed home , learning how to keep house , to can and dry the fruits and vegetables , to quilt , embroidery , and sew . She also went back and forth to visit with three of her brothers , helping them with their younger children . Looking back later in life , I know that Mother was very sorry that she didn 't finish school . She always carried a complex because of her lack of an education , believing herself to be ignorant , causing her low self - esteem to keep her from developing the extraordinary potential that lay buried within her . She may not have been able to tell you who the 17th President was , or to recite the Constitution , but she sure could fry some good chicken , sew a beautiful dress without a pattern , teach her kids the names of every bird ( her own version ) and wild flower , dance a mean Charleston , and bring tears to my eyes when she sang , " I 'll Fly Away , " or " Life 's Setting Sun . " Oh , the many valuable things we learned at her knee ! The Golding home place . We learned that honesty is the only way , and if you strayed from it , you paid the price . We learned the value of hard work , of doing a good job at whatever we did , and how to make do with what we had or do without . She loved a good surprise . I went to bed one night , pouting because I didn 't have a new dress for a special occasion at school the next day , and woke up to a beautiful dress laying on my bed , that she had sat up all night sewing , after cutting up one of her own dresses , and making it to fit me perfectly , even though she used no pattern . No , I guess my mother was no ordinary woman after all ! Mother met that boy again , that she had chased at school , when she was 18 . She was conveniently standing outside talking to his mother when he came out of the house , on his way to court another girl with the intentions of asking her to marry him . He took one look at Mother , turned around and started down the road , turned back and saw her looking back at him , turned around and walked back to her , never looking back . They liked to joke and say that it was like the song that goes , " I was looking back to see if you were looking back to see if I was looking back at you . " Just a few months later they were married , having got caught in a fib about her age at the first courthouse , and finally getting married at Hillsville Court House . This was July 1938 . I have letters that Daddy wrote to her during their brief courtship . Life got serious very quickly , having a baby just shy of being married a year , then another 13 months later , another less than 2 years later , and I came along less than two years after that . Through those early years , Mother worked alongside Daddy , putting up hay , keeping a garden , a house , taking care of her growing family , and even boarding several men who worked on building the new scenic highway which went thru our farm , called the Blue Ridge Parkway . Daddy also worked on the construction of the Parkway . Thankfully , Mother had known hard work all her young life , and her make - do attitude carried her thru , but times were hard . When I was nine months old , Daddy was called into WWII and was shipped off to Europe . This left Mother with four little ones under five years old , a herd of cows to tend , wood to cut and bring in , along with all the other chores that a farm and house of four babies entails . She finally sold the cows and saved every Army check that she received , so they would have money when Daddy got home . They were grateful when he was sent home on a hardship discharge about a year later . Times changed , some for the better , others not so good . When I was nine fate decreed that they needed more children , so four more were born between the years of 1953 and 1963 . She also lost that many during those years . Mother not only helped on the farm , picked , canned and dried every possible vegetable , fruit and berry , helped to butcher hogs and put up the meat , and tend to the growing number of babies , but she also often worked in the mills in Galax , and later the furniture factories . Many mornings she would get up at 5 : 00 am , walk two miles to meet her ride , work 10 hours , walk two miles home , pick whatever was ripe , and stand by the stove into the night , watching the canner . Just to get up and do it all over again . As I grew older I loved it when she worked at the Wonder Knit in Galax . They made many varieties of knit sweaters , and she could get seconds for next to nothing . During the time she worked there I was one of the best dressed girls in school . . . at least from the waist up . One of my teachers , Mrs . Mary Ruth Welch , loved the sweaters and I was so proud to be able to get them for her for about $ 1 . 00 each . Once when I had a doctor 's appointment , Mother took me with her as she went to work . She left me at the Goodson Restaurant to wait for her to get off work , and told the owners that I would " earn my keep . " I remember being so embarrassed when they asked me to fill up the sugar containers . Someone finally checked on my non - progress and realized that I was trying to pour the sugar into the little spout , rather than taking off the lid ! I was a slow learner ! They always gave me a hotdog and chips and a coke for lunch . I loved going to town with Mother ! Each time we went I would look for the sign above the store that read , " Get the best , get the best , get Sealtest . " I related it to the advertising on the Big Top Circus TV show that we watched on Saturdays , and thought that it had to be the best ice cream in the entire world . One day I almost passed out when instead of going past the store with that sign , we went right inside ! We sat down on a bar stool and Mother told the man that I wanted some ice cream . He looked at me and asked , " what kind ? " Well , was he stupid or what ? ? ? . . . I loudly sang out , " I want , ' Get the best , get the best , get Sealtest ! ' " My poor Mother 's face turned blood red as she said , " she wants strawberry ! " My embarrassment almost overrode the good taste of that ice cream cone . Some years we would go into Galax late in the day on Christmas Eve . The year I was 10 , it was getting dark as we walked past Vass Cap Hardware Store . There in the window was a tiny tea set , consisting of a tea pot , four cups and saucers and cost 99 cents . Oh , how I wanted that tea set . After staring at it a while , Mother told me , " if you really want it , I 'll buy it for you , but if I do then Santa won 't bring you anything . " I quickly agreed to that since I knew that Santa wouldn 't bring me anything that I would like more . I proudly held it in my lap on the way home , but I pondered her words in my heart . Something was off . In the middle of the night , I sat straight up in bed and the proverbial light bulb come on . . . there is no Santa Claus ! ! ! And sure enough , he didn 't come to our house on Christmas Eve any more . I know that it would give everyone a warm and fuzzy feeling if I said that I still have and treasure that little 99 cent tea set today , but I don 't . It got chipped , broken and lost till there was no more . I do still treasure the memory though . It was around this time that I had to give up my coveted position of being the baby of the family . Ernie was born when I was nine , bringing with him a ray of sunshine . He was a breach baby and was the first of us to be born in the hospital . Three years later , Kay was born on the day that Grandpa Creed was buried . A few years earlier they had moved near us in a makeshift house Daddy had made for them from one of the outbuildings . How bitter sweet it must have been to lose your father and bring another life into the world on the same day . She also lost her Mother on that day , as one of her brothers came and took her home with them , thinking that we could not properly care for her . She died 6 weeks later . Within the next seven years Mother gave birth to another daughter and a son . By the time the last one was born , we four older ones had grown up and left the home . After I was grown and gone she switched jobs and worked at one of the furniture factories in Galax . Her younger children and all her grandkids always looked forward to the huge stockings that the company gave out each Christmas , filled with age and gender appropriate toys and goodies . I 'm not sure who it pleased more . . . Mother , as she passed them out , or the kid receiving them . From her tiny beginnings , Mother sure grew into a strong woman . I have never known another who could work as long and as hard as she did . She did it all , tended garden , fixed fence , herded cows , fed the animals , put up hay , drug in fallen trees from the woods to be cut up for stove wood , butchered chickens for Sunday dinner , and put up enough food to last till next canning season . I once saw her rear back her fist and hit a cow in the head so hard that the cow fell to the ground . It was raining , and that cow had horned our favorite milk cow , knocking her into the electric fence and electrocuting her . Another time she went into the woods looking for a newborn calf . She stepped on the head of a copperhead snake & it wrapped its body around her leg . She had to stand there , putting all her weight on the snake , while she got Daddy 's attention and then waited till he got there with a hay fork and killed the snake . She never admitted to being brave , but she always did whatever had to be done to survive . The word " sex " was not in her vocabulary . In fact she never told any of us girls any of the facts of life . I was 13 years old and dating almost before I found out where babies came from ! Before that , I thought they were found in hollow logs in the woods , and spent many an hour in the woods , looking for a baby of my own . I was 12 when Mother was secretively showing my two older sisters the outfit she had ordered from the Sears Catalog to wear to a funeral . I took a peek and immediately exclaimed , " That looks exactly like the clothes in the Sears Catalog where it says , ' Isn 't it wonderful you 're having a baby ! ' " I was shushed and shamed and told to leave the room . I did , but by that time the light bulb had come on and I was very proud to know finally where babies come from . It was a long time though before I figured out how they got out . But sure enough , in due time , Mother delivered a precious baby sister for me to love , pet and spoil . Likewise , I would never have learned how babies were made in the first place were it not for one of my " worldly " Grandma Copeland 's True Story magazines lying around for me to pick up and read in secret . When you have as shy a mother as I did , you learn the facts of life wherever you can . In addition to all her hard work , Mother made almost everything we wore , even my brother 's shirts . She always had a quilt on the rack in some stage of completeness . She ironed everything , even Daddy 's underwear , only putting starch in them if she happened to be mad at him at the time ! If something got a hole in it , she patched it , throwing nothing away . As I went into high school , I wore the hand - me - downs from my two older sisters , but as I began competing and winning contests such as public speaking in 4 - H , even going to State competition , I needed nicer clothes . The first year I borrowed clothes from school friends . The second year I planned to do the same , but was so surprised one day when I came home from school and Mother ushered me into my bedroom . There laid a complete wardrobe of clothes , enough to last me a week at the Virginia 4 - H convention at VPI in Blacksburg . She had worked for weeks , and again without patterns , to make me my own clothes . I was so proud to give my speech in my new box pleated skirt with the jacket to match . I was sure it gave me the luck I needed to bring home the winning prize . For many years she carried water from the spring house for cooking , cleaning and washing . It was a grand day when the electricity came thru and she was able to give up the wash tub and board , and buy an electric wringer washer . Still though , she had to carry the water to fill the tub . Once I was " helping " her with the wash , by running the clothes thru the wringer , and decided to see how close I could get without my hand getting caught . I held onto her apron string , as it went thru the wringer , and didn 't let go soon enough . That thing took not only my finger and my hand , but it took my arm all the way up to my elbow ! From my earliest memories , Mother broke pine for the packing companies in Low Gap . She would climb those tall pine trees , breaking off the tips as she worked her way down , and dropping them to the ground . We kids would pick them up and stuff them in the chop sacks that she brought along for that purpose . At the end of the day we would pull the many sacks to the road and Daddy would load them on the pick - up to bring home . In later years she rented one of their machines and made the pine that she broke into roping , making even more money . I loved standing there at night , watching her twirl that machine and the beautiful pine smell filling the house , as I listened to the elder trees swaying in the wind , giving off their own special music . Sometimes the simplest things leave the best memories . Even later after she retired from the factories , well into her late 70 's Daddy would drive her to a local factory where she worked with others making the roping . Most of the workers by now were Mexicans . She told how she could no longer keep up with them in production , complaining about the sorry job they did just to get more done . She made her roping just as she did everything else . . . she made it right . The " boss man " would complain to her , telling her she was making them too thick and costing him money . But she didn 't change the way she made them . She told him that she was making them the right way and if he wanted to fire her for that , then so be it . She never was fired . She enjoyed the job and came to like , " them Mexicans calling me Grandma . " In between all her work , and even in the middle of it , she was always ready to pull a prank or a joke on someone . She loved to tease , and have fun . We loved it when she cut loose and showed us how to do the Charleston , or crossed her legs and walked across the room on her knees , or stood with her hands flat on the floor without bending her knees . Sometimes though , her " jokes " were funny only to her . I remember the year that she confided that Ernie , who was 13 at the time , and an avid hunter , was dying for a rifle for Christmas . She thought it would be such a joke to wrap up a new sports jacket in a gun box , and she did . This broke my heart for Ernie , knowing how disappointed he would be . I was married by then , and we hatched a plan , arranging for someone to bring him the 400 miles from the farm to DC to spend Christmas with us . I have precious pictures of him opening his brand new . 22 rifle , as well as the complete set of Zane Grey Books that I had found at a Salvation Army store . Mother 's surprise was a bit ruined , but Ernie still liked his sports coat . The two of them finally " retired , " sold the 75 acre farm that we children still call home , and moved to a five acre farmette on the Scenic Highway [ Blue Ridge Parkway ] . This freed them up to take bus tours , and even a trip to Hawaii . The only time they ever flew was the Hawaiian trip . Daddy loved to tell the story of how Mother wouldn 't fasten her seat belt before take - off because , as she told the stewardess , she was going to get down in the floor beneath her seat when they took off . And she did ! Daddy would laugh at her as he told the story , and Mother would always come back at him with , " Well , at least I didn 't wet my pants like that other old woman did ! " Through the years they traveled with Sunshine Tours to Las Vegas , where they both spent five whole dollars on the slot machines . They went to Pikes Peak where Mother told the Park Ranger to turn his back because she was going to take a rock , and she did . They went to Niagara Falls , where Mother embarrassed Daddy when she planted a big smooch right on his mouth for all to see . Daddy badly wanted to go back to Europe to revisit the places he had seen during the War , but they never got the chance to do that . I will always cherish the many times that Mother and my sisters would drive the 300 miles to West Virginia to visit me for a four day weekend . I always made sure to make her favorite dishes , to take her to the nurseries she loved so , but didn 't want to pay their high prices and to the outlets where she would turn up her nose at those high prices . We sisters would keep an eye on whatever she was eying , but not buying , and one of us would lag behind to buy it for her , just as she knew we would . We also took them to the Hillsville Flea Market , to Pilot Mountain , Bald Mountain , Grayson Highlands , and any place they desired to go . I always knew exactly what they would say once we were home . As we pulled in the drive way , every time , Mother would say , " Well , look Daddy . This sure is a nice place . I 'd love to live here . I bet the people who live here are nice people . Let 's go in and say hello . " And Daddy would grin , and go along with her . Indeed , those folks who lived there certainly were very nice people ! Of all the things that she loved , I think of her flower beds foremost . She took great pride in growing prize winning dahlias , double day lilies , Sweet William , Phlox , and Love Lies Bleeding . When I was three she had a beautiful red dinner plate dahlia that was going to be at its prime just in time for the Farmer 's Carnival , which was held in Galax every summer . We all knew which one it was and was forbidden to touch it . Well , you know how it is with forbidden fruit . . . I just had to take a peek at it . Of course it was bending over because of its weight , so in order to see it , I had to lift it up a bit . It broke off right in my hands , far too early for the Farmer 's Carnival . For once I owned up to my crime , went to Mother and pulled the dahlia out from behind my back and began to cry . I guess she could see just how sorry I was , because she just leaned over , picked me up and gave me a big hug . It 's amazing how a little act of love can still make you feel when thinking about it , even after 68 years . Of all the blessings in her life , what she loved most was her husband . Daddy was not an easy man to love , never having any love given him as he grew up . But he was her man , and no matter how mad she might be at him , she always loved him , and took good care of him . Every morning for breakfast , he sat down to a bowl of cooked oatmeal and banana ( for his bowels ) , homemade biscuits , apple butter , fat back or a canned sausage cake , grease gravy , an egg and fresh cooked apples . A few hours later for dinner ( lunch ) she gave him a fresh pone of corn bread and a glass of buttermilk to go with whatever was left over from last night 's supper ( dinner ) . Then at supper , she always served him a full , fresh cooked meal . They both came to love pay day when they took their Social Security checks to the bank , and then went to Roses ' cafeteria for lunch , and in later years to KFC for their buffet . One day when I was visiting , Mother pulled out several pieces of KFC chicken breast and a container of coleslaw and some biscuits . I asked how she was able to bring that home when it was a buffet , she said , " well , it 's all you can eat , but they didn 't say we had to eat it all while we were there . " . . . OK . She always looked out for Daddy , and was beside herself when he came near to death at the age of 80 , having gotten a staph infection after surgery . Although his doctor suggested that he had lived a good life and we would do well just to let him go , we knew this was not acceptable . Our Daddy deserved better than that . We called the Salem VA and they told us to bring him in as soon as possible . We sisters met and took him and Mother in on a beautiful spring day . . . much too pretty of a day to be dying . As the doctor was examining him , Mother began telling him some of his symptoms . " He can hardly walk anymore , " she said . " He will stand up from his chair and fall " face - fomast right in the floor if I don 't catch him . " The doctor looked at us sisters with that , " what 's face - fomast , " question on his face . We were too busy hiding our laughter to be able to tell him what she meant . She didn 't take much of a liking to the man , and as we left , she said in a very loud stage whisper . . . " that man don 't know what he 's talking about . I bet you he 's meaner than airy a snake ! " Again , the doctor who had overheard gave us " that " look . We hustled them out of there . Thankfully , that doctor saved our Daddy 's life and he was able to enjoy life for nine more years . As weak as he was , he would not give up his garden . Again , on a visit , I found them in the garden . Daddy was handling the hand plow and Mother had tied a rope to the suspenders of his bib overalls . She was holding onto the rope in case he started to fall . She could hold him up by the rope . This was a woman who loved her man . One year when they came to my house for their annual visit , their last one it turned out , we girls had spent the day shopping and were visiting a nursery in Hagerstown , Maryland . A sudden spring rain surprised us and we all ran inside . After the rain , we didn 't see Mother . As we went outside to look for her , a lady came up to us , with Mother in tow . It seems she had intended to jump into my car to get out of the rain , and had gotten in the wrong car . The good people let her sit with them till the rain stopped . Another time as we rode back from taking Daddy to the Salem VA , Mother began talking about what a wonderful time they had had at my house ; then she became concerned that she had left her luggage at my house . That then turned into worry for " a little boy " who had been riding with us and was no longer with us . Of course all of this was only in her mind . Looking back I realize that these incidents were the beginning of the end . As the dreaded Alzheimer 's took over her personality , we slowly lost the Mother who had nursed us , cared for us , and taught us so many amazing things . She began to lose her " babies , " and would call the sheriff to report them missing . She would call us in the middle of the night to tell us that someone was in the house and was going to kill them , so they had packed a bag and were going to jump out the window . Someone would have to go spend the rest of the night with them so they wouldn 't get out on the highway . When we would go home to take our turn to care for them , she would tell us that " Mama and Papa are sleeping in the extra bed room , " and for us to be quiet so as not to wake them up . My worst nightmare was realized when she called me from 300 miles away to accuse me of stealing her beloved quilts . This was the woman whom I had watched make quilts all my life , and had so lovingly made every one of her children and grandchildren one or more quilts . She gave me my first one the day I left home for Washington , DC when I was 18 years old . I still have that quilt ! The hardest lesson I ever had to learn was to realize that the person accusing me of such a thing was not my mother . A monster by the name of Alzheimer 's had taken over my Mother 's mind . As awful as Alzheimer 's is and the terrible things it does to everyone involved , those times that she made us laugh , and helped us to see her unique former personality peeking thru , were precious . One Sunday we took them to the communion / decoration service at Coleman Primitive Baptist Church . Having ended a song , and while waiting for the next one to begin , all was as quiet as the proverbial church mouse . In the stillness everyone heard Mother say to Daddy , " Is that old woman up there , Louise So and So . " Then she answered her own question by loudly announcing , " No that can 't be her . That old woman is big and fat and Louise ain 't fat . " I desperately looked around , but there was no place to hide and no hole to swallow me up . If you are familiar with Primitive Baptist Communion services , you know that there may be several preachers who speak throughout the day . This service had at least five , and as the second one was preaching , I noticed Mother was getting fidgety , which meant that she was reaching her limit . I leaned over and asked her if she wanted to leave . Again , in her very loud stage whisper she answered , " We might as well go . . . this preacher ain 't worth a plug nickel , and the next one don 't look like he 's got a lick of sense . " With that she stood up and said , " let 's go Daddy , I 'm hungry and it don 't look like they 're going to be setting dinner any time soon . " I truly wished I was that church mouse as every head turned to see us marching down the aisle and out the door . The Blue Ridge Music Center was built during this time . There was good and bad with the coming of the Center . The bad was that they took good people 's homes and land that they had lovingly labored for and over . The Center took my brother 's land which is just next to the farm we grew up on . The farm now also belongs to the Department of Interior ; all this in the name of progress . The implication didn 't really affect Mother and Daddy since they had already sold their farm , so when the Music Center opened ; we offered to take them to the first outdoor program . I was looking forward to it . We got there and settled Mother and Daddy in their chairs and began spreading out a quilt for my husband and me . Mother turned around and said , " OK , me and Daddy are ready to go now . " I tried to assure her that the program had just begun and that seemed to satisfy her . Five minutes later , just as the players were beginning to tune their instruments , Mother turned around and said , " OK , I 've heard enough , let 's go . " And she proceeded to fold up her chair and walk off . The rest of us trailed behind her . I took her and Daddy one day to visit my brother John in Cana . They were in the middle of a chicken killing . They were working around a steel drum filled with boiling water . They would wander down to the chicken pen , pick up one or two unsuspecting hens , rip their head off & toss them in the boiling vat of water . They planned to have a hoe - down and a chicken roast that night . Mother was hungry and impatient . She wasn 't about to wait till night . After a few minutes of watching , she announced , " Well , if they ain 't a gonna feed us , we might as well go . I didn 't come here to jaw , I came here to eat . " So off we went , with Mother nibbling on the KFC that I 'd brought along just in case . Another time she was at one of the grandchildren 's high school graduation service . The long - winded speaker was causing even normal people to fidget . Again , during a quiet moment , Mother nudged Daddy in the ribs and said , " I bet if a snake run up his britches leg , he 'd shut up and set down and we 'd both be happy ! " Our saving grace was that the speaker couldn 't hear her , and her remark gave all who did hear a good laugh . At another grandson 's wedding , just as they were saying their vows , Mother had a few words to say about the bride . . . " ' Well she 's awful fat , but she 's right purty . " Alzheimer 's disease can do horrible things to the person who has it , as well as those who love them . You learn to look for whatever good you can find to keep your sanity . One of those good times happened for our family one day in the hospital as we watched her slipping away from us . She had been very much out of touch with reality for some time , sleeping much of the time . When she was awake she was completely incoherent . Suddenly , that day she became very lucid and recognized her children as they circled her bed . She began talking about the Lord and how much she loved Him . She told them that she wanted to be baptized because she would soon be going to Heaven . A visiting preacher was found , and a nurse got him a pan of water . As the nurses , doctors , her loving husband and children looked on , singing Amazing Grace thru their tears , our Mother was baptized . She was alert for hours , telling everyone that they needed to be right with the Lord . When she woke the next morning , the monster inside her had once again taken control of her mind . I don 't know why I was so surprised when at the viewing ; people were lined up for hours to pay respect to her and to our dad . I truly had not realized that she had touched so many lives and that so many people knew and loved her like they did . Each one spoke of her goodness and honesty and of what a good and helpful neighbor she was . Our family was overwhelmed and so thankful for such an outpouring of love and respect . Our daddy died 18 months later of a broken heart from missing the woman who had stood by his side for 64 years . They both lie in the beautiful cemetery at Snow Hill Baptist Church . As I write this , I am convinced that there was nothing ordinary about our Mother after all . She taught us to work hard , to play hard , to be honest and fair , and to be strong , in body , heart and mind . She taught us how to live a good life , and how to die with dignity . Indeed , it turned out that she was smarter than any of us . Yes , without any doubt , my mother was extraordinary in every possible way . If I close my eyes and free my mind , I can hear her now , as she sweetly sings , " You are my sunshine , my only sunshine ; please don 't take my sunshine away . " All materials contained in this web site are the property of the authors and protected under copyright law . Copying , use or distribution in any form is strictly prohibited without the express written permission of the copyright owner . © 1983 - 2012 Scroll to Top |
Eula Golding Walters beside an interpretive display at Rocky Knob Visitor Information Center on the Blue Ridge Parkway at milepost 169 ; her mother , Lavada Mae Creed Golding , is shown on top of the haystack and her father , Woodrow Golding is passing the hay up to his wife . The photograph was taken in 1953 . Each time I hear that old Bluegrass refrain , I think of my Mother . It was a line that she never grew tired of singing , and I never grew tired of hearing her sing it , although I never failed to shiver as I felt that cold wind blowing thru the pines as she sang those words . I 'd much rather listen to her singing , " You Are my Sunshine . " Even though it too was a sad song , just hearing her sing the words made me happy . I so wish I could hear her sing either or both of them once more . Now that I am older , and in the position of being the " senior Mother " of my own family , I can look back more clearly on time spent with my own mother as she aged . I see myself in my children as they give me that certain look , telling me without words that I 'm too old to be doing certain things , that I am losing my grip on my thoughts , words and deeds . In other words they see me as old . That 's how I saw my mother during those last years . Of course in the end , that is how she was , and she did need us to intervene and do , think and act on her behalf . But long before that , I think , I and her other four daughters saw her only as an older woman , and not necessarily the mother who had raised us and taught us so many things , and was still much the same person she had always been . I see now that we unwittingly attempted to take her independence away from her too quickly , that we should have allowed her to determine whether or not she could or should do a certain thing . For that I am sorry . And I am paying for it as I watch my own children do it to me . I guess that 's what they call the circle of life . I 'd like to tell you about my Mother . To most she was probably a very ordinary person , wife and mother . There were times when I thought of her as just ordinary , but I 'm thankful that for the most part , I knew that she was very extra - ordinary . She wasn 't " modern , " sophisticated or well educated . Her ways were countrified . . . citified would never have suited her . She lived a hard life , and while I can 't say that she thrived , she certainly did endure and made the most of what life handed her . Mother was born Lavada Mae Creed in Grayson County , Virginia , near Fisher 's Peak Mountain in 1920 , the daughter of Matthew and Frankie Goodson Creed , the great granddaughter of Leander Goodson , the famous mountaineer of the 1800 's . She was the last living child of seven children , born to older parents . A younger brother died when he was six . A letter to Lavada from Woodrow while he was stationed in Germany . Her brothers were all grown and married and had children of their own when her 43 year old mother gave birth to her . She weighed less than three pounds at birth , and was placed in a small box padded with towels , and put on the warmer of the wood cook stove to be kept warm and safe from rats . You 'd think she would have been spoiled plenty just for surviving such a meager beginning ; but she lived in the shadow of her older sister who had been very ill with Saint Vitus Dance [ Sydenham 's chorea ] at a young age , thus causing a weak heart and a bit slow of mind . Still , Mother was a happy little girl , content to tag along with her Papa , picking and packing Galax leaves , then taking them to the store where she would collect the five cents she had earned . She told me of the time that she begged her Papa to let her spend her nickel at the store on candy as soon as she was paid . He let her do it , but on the way home , he broke off a twig and switched her behind with it . Money was precious and not to be spent frivolously . . . she " always got candy at Christmas , and didn 't need it any other time . " She learned that lesson well and that was the only spanking she ever got . She also loved playing with her niece , Clyde , who was a couple years younger than she , and who spent a lot of time with her Grandpa and Grandma Creed . They each had a doll that Mother 's oldest brother , Conley , had bought for them . He had left home , married and became a Roanoke City policeman . Her older sister , Aunt Lavona and Mother had large , beautiful dolls , and Clyde , being " just a niece , " got a much smaller one . Mother loved her doll and hated that Grandma made her let Clyde play with it whenever she wanted to . Clyde didn 't take good care of it and left it out in the rain one night , and it was ruined . Gone was the only store bought doll she ever owned . As so many of that time were , Mother 's family was very poor . They had owned land , but Grandma 's brother had tricked them out of it . He drove their pigs out of their lot and while Grandpa and Grandma Creed were busy getting them rounded up and back in , he went into the house , stole the deed , as well as their money , and paid a crooked judge to change the name on the deed . Grandpa and Grandma never owned a home of their own after that . As poor as they were , and as many hardships as they had , they still held onto their dignity , their upbringing , pride and manners . Mother told that every day Grandma would cook a good supper for the family and set it on the table . However , no one ate until Grandpa sat down at the table . It didn 't matter how long they had to wait for him to come home , they still waited . Then , no one took a dish until Grandpa was served , and passed that dish onto someone else . He was the head of his house and was treated as such . Woodrow and Lavada Golding with their eight children . Thankfully , even though they lived thru the big depression of the 1930 's , they didn 't suffer as badly as many others . For one thing , they had no money or job to lose . They lived off their land , planting everything they ate . Grandpa whittled axe handles and other small implements to bring in some income , as well as the Galax leaves , harvesting ginseng , shaunahaul , and other herbs , barks and roots . What they missed the most was sugar , coffee , snuff and chewing tobacco . Grandpa was a " chawer " and Grandma was a " dipper . " She always had her snuff stick in her mouth , made from a Sassafras twig . She would chew the end until it was much like a brush , then dip it in the snuff jar and put the stick in her jaw . She used an empty snuff glass as a spittoon . I still have one of her coveted snuff glasses . Mother too , secretly dipped snuff . Going into seventh grade she was forced to switch schools . She didn 't dress as well as the other girls , talked " hillbilly , " and wore her hair down past her waist when short hair was in style . I also recently learned that upon her Mama 's insistence , she often wore it up on her head in a bun , with finger waves pushed into the front . She hated this hair style and never wore it once she left home . She was teased about all this by the other girls . After just a week , she sneaked her Mama 's scissors , cut her hair off to her ears and declared that she was never going back to school . And she didn 't . She stayed home , learning how to keep house , to can and dry the fruits and vegetables , to quilt , embroidery , and sew . She also went back and forth to visit with three of her brothers , helping them with their younger children . Looking back later in life , I know that Mother was very sorry that she didn 't finish school . She always carried a complex because of her lack of an education , believing herself to be ignorant , causing her low self - esteem to keep her from developing the extraordinary potential that lay buried within her . She may not have been able to tell you who the 17th President was , or to recite the Constitution , but she sure could fry some good chicken , sew a beautiful dress without a pattern , teach her kids the names of every bird ( her own version ) and wild flower , dance a mean Charleston , and bring tears to my eyes when she sang , " I 'll Fly Away , " or " Life 's Setting Sun . " Oh , the many valuable things we learned at her knee ! The Golding home place . We learned that honesty is the only way , and if you strayed from it , you paid the price . We learned the value of hard work , of doing a good job at whatever we did , and how to make do with what we had or do without . She loved a good surprise . I went to bed one night , pouting because I didn 't have a new dress for a special occasion at school the next day , and woke up to a beautiful dress laying on my bed , that she had sat up all night sewing , after cutting up one of her own dresses , and making it to fit me perfectly , even though she used no pattern . No , I guess my mother was no ordinary woman after all ! Mother met that boy again , that she had chased at school , when she was 18 . She was conveniently standing outside talking to his mother when he came out of the house , on his way to court another girl with the intentions of asking her to marry him . He took one look at Mother , turned around and started down the road , turned back and saw her looking back at him , turned around and walked back to her , never looking back . They liked to joke and say that it was like the song that goes , " I was looking back to see if you were looking back to see if I was looking back at you . " Just a few months later they were married , having got caught in a fib about her age at the first courthouse , and finally getting married at Hillsville Court House . This was July 1938 . I have letters that Daddy wrote to her during their brief courtship . Life got serious very quickly , having a baby just shy of being married a year , then another 13 months later , another less than 2 years later , and I came along less than two years after that . Through those early years , Mother worked alongside Daddy , putting up hay , keeping a garden , a house , taking care of her growing family , and even boarding several men who worked on building the new scenic highway which went thru our farm , called the Blue Ridge Parkway . Daddy also worked on the construction of the Parkway . Thankfully , Mother had known hard work all her young life , and her make - do attitude carried her thru , but times were hard . When I was nine months old , Daddy was called into WWII and was shipped off to Europe . This left Mother with four little ones under five years old , a herd of cows to tend , wood to cut and bring in , along with all the other chores that a farm and house of four babies entails . She finally sold the cows and saved every Army check that she received , so they would have money when Daddy got home . They were grateful when he was sent home on a hardship discharge about a year later . Times changed , some for the better , others not so good . When I was nine fate decreed that they needed more children , so four more were born between the years of 1953 and 1963 . She also lost that many during those years . Mother not only helped on the farm , picked , canned and dried every possible vegetable , fruit and berry , helped to butcher hogs and put up the meat , and tend to the growing number of babies , but she also often worked in the mills in Galax , and later the furniture factories . Many mornings she would get up at 5 : 00 am , walk two miles to meet her ride , work 10 hours , walk two miles home , pick whatever was ripe , and stand by the stove into the night , watching the canner . Just to get up and do it all over again . As I grew older I loved it when she worked at the Wonder Knit in Galax . They made many varieties of knit sweaters , and she could get seconds for next to nothing . During the time she worked there I was one of the best dressed girls in school . . . at least from the waist up . One of my teachers , Mrs . Mary Ruth Welch , loved the sweaters and I was so proud to be able to get them for her for about $ 1 . 00 each . Once when I had a doctor 's appointment , Mother took me with her as she went to work . She left me at the Goodson Restaurant to wait for her to get off work , and told the owners that I would " earn my keep . " I remember being so embarrassed when they asked me to fill up the sugar containers . Someone finally checked on my non - progress and realized that I was trying to pour the sugar into the little spout , rather than taking off the lid ! I was a slow learner ! They always gave me a hotdog and chips and a coke for lunch . I loved going to town with Mother ! Each time we went I would look for the sign above the store that read , " Get the best , get the best , get Sealtest . " I related it to the advertising on the Big Top Circus TV show that we watched on Saturdays , and thought that it had to be the best ice cream in the entire world . One day I almost passed out when instead of going past the store with that sign , we went right inside ! We sat down on a bar stool and Mother told the man that I wanted some ice cream . He looked at me and asked , " what kind ? " Well , was he stupid or what ? ? ? . . . I loudly sang out , " I want , ' Get the best , get the best , get Sealtest ! ' " My poor Mother 's face turned blood red as she said , " she wants strawberry ! " My embarrassment almost overrode the good taste of that ice cream cone . Some years we would go into Galax late in the day on Christmas Eve . The year I was 10 , it was getting dark as we walked past Vass Cap Hardware Store . There in the window was a tiny tea set , consisting of a tea pot , four cups and saucers and cost 99 cents . Oh , how I wanted that tea set . After staring at it a while , Mother told me , " if you really want it , I 'll buy it for you , but if I do then Santa won 't bring you anything . " I quickly agreed to that since I knew that Santa wouldn 't bring me anything that I would like more . I proudly held it in my lap on the way home , but I pondered her words in my heart . Something was off . In the middle of the night , I sat straight up in bed and the proverbial light bulb come on . . . there is no Santa Claus ! ! ! And sure enough , he didn 't come to our house on Christmas Eve any more . I know that it would give everyone a warm and fuzzy feeling if I said that I still have and treasure that little 99 cent tea set today , but I don 't . It got chipped , broken and lost till there was no more . I do still treasure the memory though . It was around this time that I had to give up my coveted position of being the baby of the family . Ernie was born when I was nine , bringing with him a ray of sunshine . He was a breach baby and was the first of us to be born in the hospital . Three years later , Kay was born on the day that Grandpa Creed was buried . A few years earlier they had moved near us in a makeshift house Daddy had made for them from one of the outbuildings . How bitter sweet it must have been to lose your father and bring another life into the world on the same day . She also lost her Mother on that day , as one of her brothers came and took her home with them , thinking that we could not properly care for her . She died 6 weeks later . Within the next seven years Mother gave birth to another daughter and a son . By the time the last one was born , we four older ones had grown up and left the home . After I was grown and gone she switched jobs and worked at one of the furniture factories in Galax . Her younger children and all her grandkids always looked forward to the huge stockings that the company gave out each Christmas , filled with age and gender appropriate toys and goodies . I 'm not sure who it pleased more . . . Mother , as she passed them out , or the kid receiving them . From her tiny beginnings , Mother sure grew into a strong woman . I have never known another who could work as long and as hard as she did . She did it all , tended garden , fixed fence , herded cows , fed the animals , put up hay , drug in fallen trees from the woods to be cut up for stove wood , butchered chickens for Sunday dinner , and put up enough food to last till next canning season . I once saw her rear back her fist and hit a cow in the head so hard that the cow fell to the ground . It was raining , and that cow had horned our favorite milk cow , knocking her into the electric fence and electrocuting her . Another time she went into the woods looking for a newborn calf . She stepped on the head of a copperhead snake & it wrapped its body around her leg . She had to stand there , putting all her weight on the snake , while she got Daddy 's attention and then waited till he got there with a hay fork and killed the snake . She never admitted to being brave , but she always did whatever had to be done to survive . The word " sex " was not in her vocabulary . In fact she never told any of us girls any of the facts of life . I was 13 years old and dating almost before I found out where babies came from ! Before that , I thought they were found in hollow logs in the woods , and spent many an hour in the woods , looking for a baby of my own . I was 12 when Mother was secretively showing my two older sisters the outfit she had ordered from the Sears Catalog to wear to a funeral . I took a peek and immediately exclaimed , " That looks exactly like the clothes in the Sears Catalog where it says , ' Isn 't it wonderful you 're having a baby ! ' " I was shushed and shamed and told to leave the room . I did , but by that time the light bulb had come on and I was very proud to know finally where babies come from . It was a long time though before I figured out how they got out . But sure enough , in due time , Mother delivered a precious baby sister for me to love , pet and spoil . Likewise , I would never have learned how babies were made in the first place were it not for one of my " worldly " Grandma Copeland 's True Story magazines lying around for me to pick up and read in secret . When you have as shy a mother as I did , you learn the facts of life wherever you can . In addition to all her hard work , Mother made almost everything we wore , even my brother 's shirts . She always had a quilt on the rack in some stage of completeness . She ironed everything , even Daddy 's underwear , only putting starch in them if she happened to be mad at him at the time ! If something got a hole in it , she patched it , throwing nothing away . As I went into high school , I wore the hand - me - downs from my two older sisters , but as I began competing and winning contests such as public speaking in 4 - H , even going to State competition , I needed nicer clothes . The first year I borrowed clothes from school friends . The second year I planned to do the same , but was so surprised one day when I came home from school and Mother ushered me into my bedroom . There laid a complete wardrobe of clothes , enough to last me a week at the Virginia 4 - H convention at VPI in Blacksburg . She had worked for weeks , and again without patterns , to make me my own clothes . I was so proud to give my speech in my new box pleated skirt with the jacket to match . I was sure it gave me the luck I needed to bring home the winning prize . For many years she carried water from the spring house for cooking , cleaning and washing . It was a grand day when the electricity came thru and she was able to give up the wash tub and board , and buy an electric wringer washer . Still though , she had to carry the water to fill the tub . Once I was " helping " her with the wash , by running the clothes thru the wringer , and decided to see how close I could get without my hand getting caught . I held onto her apron string , as it went thru the wringer , and didn 't let go soon enough . That thing took not only my finger and my hand , but it took my arm all the way up to my elbow ! From my earliest memories , Mother broke pine for the packing companies in Low Gap . She would climb those tall pine trees , breaking off the tips as she worked her way down , and dropping them to the ground . We kids would pick them up and stuff them in the chop sacks that she brought along for that purpose . At the end of the day we would pull the many sacks to the road and Daddy would load them on the pick - up to bring home . In later years she rented one of their machines and made the pine that she broke into roping , making even more money . I loved standing there at night , watching her twirl that machine and the beautiful pine smell filling the house , as I listened to the elder trees swaying in the wind , giving off their own special music . Sometimes the simplest things leave the best memories . Even later after she retired from the factories , well into her late 70 's Daddy would drive her to a local factory where she worked with others making the roping . Most of the workers by now were Mexicans . She told how she could no longer keep up with them in production , complaining about the sorry job they did just to get more done . She made her roping just as she did everything else . . . she made it right . The " boss man " would complain to her , telling her she was making them too thick and costing him money . But she didn 't change the way she made them . She told him that she was making them the right way and if he wanted to fire her for that , then so be it . She never was fired . She enjoyed the job and came to like , " them Mexicans calling me Grandma . " In between all her work , and even in the middle of it , she was always ready to pull a prank or a joke on someone . She loved to tease , and have fun . We loved it when she cut loose and showed us how to do the Charleston , or crossed her legs and walked across the room on her knees , or stood with her hands flat on the floor without bending her knees . Sometimes though , her " jokes " were funny only to her . I remember the year that she confided that Ernie , who was 13 at the time , and an avid hunter , was dying for a rifle for Christmas . She thought it would be such a joke to wrap up a new sports jacket in a gun box , and she did . This broke my heart for Ernie , knowing how disappointed he would be . I was married by then , and we hatched a plan , arranging for someone to bring him the 400 miles from the farm to DC to spend Christmas with us . I have precious pictures of him opening his brand new . 22 rifle , as well as the complete set of Zane Grey Books that I had found at a Salvation Army store . Mother 's surprise was a bit ruined , but Ernie still liked his sports coat . The two of them finally " retired , " sold the 75 acre farm that we children still call home , and moved to a five acre farmette on the Scenic Highway [ Blue Ridge Parkway ] . This freed them up to take bus tours , and even a trip to Hawaii . The only time they ever flew was the Hawaiian trip . Daddy loved to tell the story of how Mother wouldn 't fasten her seat belt before take - off because , as she told the stewardess , she was going to get down in the floor beneath her seat when they took off . And she did ! Daddy would laugh at her as he told the story , and Mother would always come back at him with , " Well , at least I didn 't wet my pants like that other old woman did ! " Through the years they traveled with Sunshine Tours to Las Vegas , where they both spent five whole dollars on the slot machines . They went to Pikes Peak where Mother told the Park Ranger to turn his back because she was going to take a rock , and she did . They went to Niagara Falls , where Mother embarrassed Daddy when she planted a big smooch right on his mouth for all to see . Daddy badly wanted to go back to Europe to revisit the places he had seen during the War , but they never got the chance to do that . I will always cherish the many times that Mother and my sisters would drive the 300 miles to West Virginia to visit me for a four day weekend . I always made sure to make her favorite dishes , to take her to the nurseries she loved so , but didn 't want to pay their high prices and to the outlets where she would turn up her nose at those high prices . We sisters would keep an eye on whatever she was eying , but not buying , and one of us would lag behind to buy it for her , just as she knew we would . We also took them to the Hillsville Flea Market , to Pilot Mountain , Bald Mountain , Grayson Highlands , and any place they desired to go . I always knew exactly what they would say once we were home . As we pulled in the drive way , every time , Mother would say , " Well , look Daddy . This sure is a nice place . I 'd love to live here . I bet the people who live here are nice people . Let 's go in and say hello . " And Daddy would grin , and go along with her . Indeed , those folks who lived there certainly were very nice people ! Of all the things that she loved , I think of her flower beds foremost . She took great pride in growing prize winning dahlias , double day lilies , Sweet William , Phlox , and Love Lies Bleeding . When I was three she had a beautiful red dinner plate dahlia that was going to be at its prime just in time for the Farmer 's Carnival , which was held in Galax every summer . We all knew which one it was and was forbidden to touch it . Well , you know how it is with forbidden fruit . . . I just had to take a peek at it . Of course it was bending over because of its weight , so in order to see it , I had to lift it up a bit . It broke off right in my hands , far too early for the Farmer 's Carnival . For once I owned up to my crime , went to Mother and pulled the dahlia out from behind my back and began to cry . I guess she could see just how sorry I was , because she just leaned over , picked me up and gave me a big hug . It 's amazing how a little act of love can still make you feel when thinking about it , even after 68 years . Of all the blessings in her life , what she loved most was her husband . Daddy was not an easy man to love , never having any love given him as he grew up . But he was her man , and no matter how mad she might be at him , she always loved him , and took good care of him . Every morning for breakfast , he sat down to a bowl of cooked oatmeal and banana ( for his bowels ) , homemade biscuits , apple butter , fat back or a canned sausage cake , grease gravy , an egg and fresh cooked apples . A few hours later for dinner ( lunch ) she gave him a fresh pone of corn bread and a glass of buttermilk to go with whatever was left over from last night 's supper ( dinner ) . Then at supper , she always served him a full , fresh cooked meal . They both came to love pay day when they took their Social Security checks to the bank , and then went to Roses ' cafeteria for lunch , and in later years to KFC for their buffet . One day when I was visiting , Mother pulled out several pieces of KFC chicken breast and a container of coleslaw and some biscuits . I asked how she was able to bring that home when it was a buffet , she said , " well , it 's all you can eat , but they didn 't say we had to eat it all while we were there . " . . . OK . She always looked out for Daddy , and was beside herself when he came near to death at the age of 80 , having gotten a staph infection after surgery . Although his doctor suggested that he had lived a good life and we would do well just to let him go , we knew this was not acceptable . Our Daddy deserved better than that . We called the Salem VA and they told us to bring him in as soon as possible . We sisters met and took him and Mother in on a beautiful spring day . . . much too pretty of a day to be dying . As the doctor was examining him , Mother began telling him some of his symptoms . " He can hardly walk anymore , " she said . " He will stand up from his chair and fall " face - fomast right in the floor if I don 't catch him . " The doctor looked at us sisters with that , " what 's face - fomast , " question on his face . We were too busy hiding our laughter to be able to tell him what she meant . She didn 't take much of a liking to the man , and as we left , she said in a very loud stage whisper . . . " that man don 't know what he 's talking about . I bet you he 's meaner than airy a snake ! " Again , the doctor who had overheard gave us " that " look . We hustled them out of there . Thankfully , that doctor saved our Daddy 's life and he was able to enjoy life for nine more years . As weak as he was , he would not give up his garden . Again , on a visit , I found them in the garden . Daddy was handling the hand plow and Mother had tied a rope to the suspenders of his bib overalls . She was holding onto the rope in case he started to fall . She could hold him up by the rope . This was a woman who loved her man . One year when they came to my house for their annual visit , their last one it turned out , we girls had spent the day shopping and were visiting a nursery in Hagerstown , Maryland . A sudden spring rain surprised us and we all ran inside . After the rain , we didn 't see Mother . As we went outside to look for her , a lady came up to us , with Mother in tow . It seems she had intended to jump into my car to get out of the rain , and had gotten in the wrong car . The good people let her sit with them till the rain stopped . Another time as we rode back from taking Daddy to the Salem VA , Mother began talking about what a wonderful time they had had at my house ; then she became concerned that she had left her luggage at my house . That then turned into worry for " a little boy " who had been riding with us and was no longer with us . Of course all of this was only in her mind . Looking back I realize that these incidents were the beginning of the end . As the dreaded Alzheimer 's took over her personality , we slowly lost the Mother who had nursed us , cared for us , and taught us so many amazing things . She began to lose her " babies , " and would call the sheriff to report them missing . She would call us in the middle of the night to tell us that someone was in the house and was going to kill them , so they had packed a bag and were going to jump out the window . Someone would have to go spend the rest of the night with them so they wouldn 't get out on the highway . When we would go home to take our turn to care for them , she would tell us that " Mama and Papa are sleeping in the extra bed room , " and for us to be quiet so as not to wake them up . My worst nightmare was realized when she called me from 300 miles away to accuse me of stealing her beloved quilts . This was the woman whom I had watched make quilts all my life , and had so lovingly made every one of her children and grandchildren one or more quilts . She gave me my first one the day I left home for Washington , DC when I was 18 years old . I still have that quilt ! The hardest lesson I ever had to learn was to realize that the person accusing me of such a thing was not my mother . A monster by the name of Alzheimer 's had taken over my Mother 's mind . As awful as Alzheimer 's is and the terrible things it does to everyone involved , those times that she made us laugh , and helped us to see her unique former personality peeking thru , were precious . One Sunday we took them to the communion / decoration service at Coleman Primitive Baptist Church . Having ended a song , and while waiting for the next one to begin , all was as quiet as the proverbial church mouse . In the stillness everyone heard Mother say to Daddy , " Is that old woman up there , Louise So and So . " Then she answered her own question by loudly announcing , " No that can 't be her . That old woman is big and fat and Louise ain 't fat . " I desperately looked around , but there was no place to hide and no hole to swallow me up . If you are familiar with Primitive Baptist Communion services , you know that there may be several preachers who speak throughout the day . This service had at least five , and as the second one was preaching , I noticed Mother was getting fidgety , which meant that she was reaching her limit . I leaned over and asked her if she wanted to leave . Again , in her very loud stage whisper she answered , " We might as well go . . . this preacher ain 't worth a plug nickel , and the next one don 't look like he 's got a lick of sense . " With that she stood up and said , " let 's go Daddy , I 'm hungry and it don 't look like they 're going to be setting dinner any time soon . " I truly wished I was that church mouse as every head turned to see us marching down the aisle and out the door . The Blue Ridge Music Center was built during this time . There was good and bad with the coming of the Center . The bad was that they took good people 's homes and land that they had lovingly labored for and over . The Center took my brother 's land which is just next to the farm we grew up on . The farm now also belongs to the Department of Interior ; all this in the name of progress . The implication didn 't really affect Mother and Daddy since they had already sold their farm , so when the Music Center opened ; we offered to take them to the first outdoor program . I was looking forward to it . We got there and settled Mother and Daddy in their chairs and began spreading out a quilt for my husband and me . Mother turned around and said , " OK , me and Daddy are ready to go now . " I tried to assure her that the program had just begun and that seemed to satisfy her . Five minutes later , just as the players were beginning to tune their instruments , Mother turned around and said , " OK , I 've heard enough , let 's go . " And she proceeded to fold up her chair and walk off . The rest of us trailed behind her . I took her and Daddy one day to visit my brother John in Cana . They were in the middle of a chicken killing . They were working around a steel drum filled with boiling water . They would wander down to the chicken pen , pick up one or two unsuspecting hens , rip their head off & toss them in the boiling vat of water . They planned to have a hoe - down and a chicken roast that night . Mother was hungry and impatient . She wasn 't about to wait till night . After a few minutes of watching , she announced , " Well , if they ain 't a gonna feed us , we might as well go . I didn 't come here to jaw , I came here to eat . " So off we went , with Mother nibbling on the KFC that I 'd brought along just in case . Another time she was at one of the grandchildren 's high school graduation service . The long - winded speaker was causing even normal people to fidget . Again , during a quiet moment , Mother nudged Daddy in the ribs and said , " I bet if a snake run up his britches leg , he 'd shut up and set down and we 'd both be happy ! " Our saving grace was that the speaker couldn 't hear her , and her remark gave all who did hear a good laugh . At another grandson 's wedding , just as they were saying their vows , Mother had a few words to say about the bride . . . " ' Well she 's awful fat , but she 's right purty . " Alzheimer 's disease can do horrible things to the person who has it , as well as those who love them . You learn to look for whatever good you can find to keep your sanity . One of those good times happened for our family one day in the hospital as we watched her slipping away from us . She had been very much out of touch with reality for some time , sleeping much of the time . When she was awake she was completely incoherent . Suddenly , that day she became very lucid and recognized her children as they circled her bed . She began talking about the Lord and how much she loved Him . She told them that she wanted to be baptized because she would soon be going to Heaven . A visiting preacher was found , and a nurse got him a pan of water . As the nurses , doctors , her loving husband and children looked on , singing Amazing Grace thru their tears , our Mother was baptized . She was alert for hours , telling everyone that they needed to be right with the Lord . When she woke the next morning , the monster inside her had once again taken control of her mind . I don 't know why I was so surprised when at the viewing ; people were lined up for hours to pay respect to her and to our dad . I truly had not realized that she had touched so many lives and that so many people knew and loved her like they did . Each one spoke of her goodness and honesty and of what a good and helpful neighbor she was . Our family was overwhelmed and so thankful for such an outpouring of love and respect . Our daddy died 18 months later of a broken heart from missing the woman who had stood by his side for 64 years . They both lie in the beautiful cemetery at Snow Hill Baptist Church . As I write this , I am convinced that there was nothing ordinary about our Mother after all . She taught us to work hard , to play hard , to be honest and fair , and to be strong , in body , heart and mind . She taught us how to live a good life , and how to die with dignity . Indeed , it turned out that she was smarter than any of us . Yes , without any doubt , my mother was extraordinary in every possible way . If I close my eyes and free my mind , I can hear her now , as she sweetly sings , " You are my sunshine , my only sunshine ; please don 't take my sunshine away . " All materials contained in this web site are the property of the authors and protected under copyright law . Copying , use or distribution in any form is strictly prohibited without the express written permission of the copyright owner . © 1983 - 2012 Scroll to Top |
Noah Coleman was good at his job . He didn 't particularly enjoy his job , but he was very good at it . There is a large level of discretion involved in his line of work . Noah is probably one of the hundred smartest people on the planet , and he ended up in this job by chance . When he was much younger , he attended Harvard for four years , followed by another six years at Oxford . It was during his time at Oxford where he met his flatmate , and ultimately best friend , Desmond Patterson - who was now his boss . Noah was probably more intelligent than Desmond , but it was the Patterson name and family history that provided the funding and ability for these two men to accomplish the things that they have . Noah sipped on his coffee as he watched the second hand tick , tick , tick around the clock in the room . Today was a special day . Most days were pretty boring , aside from the times when he got to meet with potential clients . On an average day in the office , Noah spent countless hours reading report after report that his employees assembled for him . These reports were biographies on various millionaires in the world . However , they are not just any typical biography . Instead , they are extremely detailed lists of every major event in their lives . These major events were the selling points that Noah would use , if he decided any of these people were worth moving to the next level . But today was an " event day " as they referred to them in the office . A client had already been approached , and an offer had already been made . The client had accepted the offer , and The Centre had already received payment . Noah remembered in the early days , when Desmond used to come down and witness the events . By this time , they had done so many successfully that it no longer interested Desmond , he just wanted the money deposited and didn 't want to get up in the middle of the night to deal with things , he valued his sleep too much in his older age . Noah valued his sleep too , but he had no choice . This was his job . Luckily , he had a very large and very comfortable couch in his office and would be taking a long nap in about fifteen minutes . The second hand moved upward and meet the minute hand at the twelve . The hour hand was sitting at the four , and Noah took one last sip of his coffee before he stood up , straightened his tie , picked up a glass of water and left his basement office . He took the elevator up to the lobby and met today 's event : Nick Webber . Nick Webber was a multimillionaire . Twenty - four hours earlier he was in his ocean - side mansion in Miami , sitting on his massive deck , overlooking the flowing water in the moonlight . He had three beautiful naked women with him , and large amounts of alcohol and drugs in his system . Nick had been divorced three times , and never really loved any of the women he was married to . He was the heir to a Texas oil company , and never really had to work a day in his life . He had some serious regrets in his life , and by this point realized that he was an epic failure to his parents and grandparents , and was the butt of many jokes told by his siblings . Nick had decided it was time to change his life , but he wanted one last night of debauchery before he made the life - changing choice that he did . His three prostitutes cost him five thousand dollars a piece , and he had purchased twenty thousand dollars of cocaine for his final night of insanity . In minutes , he would be the good , clean son his parents had always wanted . Noah and Nick walked to the elevator , and proceeded back down to the fourth level of the basement . Noah had two offices in this tower that sat at the corner of 39th Street and 7th Avenue . One was on the top floor , where he could easily look down 7th and see the busy lives of thousands of tourists heading in and out of Times Square . His second office was four floors below the streets of New York City . Noah was still a little tired , and now a little annoyed . He didn 't feel like answering the moronic questions , so he just remained silent . This didn 't ease Nick 's anxiety , and he began talking more and more , to the ire of Noah . The elevator ride felt three times longer than it should have . The door finally opened , and Noah walked as quickly as he could out into the long hallways , with its bland white walls and bright fluorescent lights . Nick trailed behind him , mumbling to himself . Noah rolled his eyes and walked back towards to his client to give him some advice , " Mr . Webber , we already have your money . We 've told you it 's non - refundable . You made this commitment . You walked into my office and you told me that you felt like your life was waste , and that you had disappointed everyone in your family for not taking an interest in your family business , and instead chose to spend thirty years blowing money on women , booze , and drugs . I remember the look in your eyes when you told me that you wanted me to change your life , and make yourself into something that your family would respect . " Another pause , just for more dramatic effect . Noah knew the next punch he was going to take , and it was going to be a whopper . At this point , Noah almost wanted to see if he could make this man cry . Sadly for Noah , he wasn 't going to get the chance . The two sets of footsteps were once again going down the hallway , and eventually reached the door to The Chamber . Noah opened the door and ushered Nick in . There were three employees sitting at various computer stations surrounding a circular platform with wires running to three poles that were on various sides of the stand . Nick stood on the platform and scanned the rather vapid room . There was nothing aside from the platform , poles , and computers . With every passing second , Nick became more and more scared . Then he heard some type of electric humming sound , and it got louder and louder . Suddenly , his head began to feel very light , as if his skull was getting bigger and taking any and all pressure off of his brain . He tried to open his eyes , but they had fallen closed and he seemed to have no control over them anymore , it was just darkness as the humming got louder and louder , and then Nick heard a sound so piercingly high - pitched that it honestly felt like his eardrum exploded . At that exact same second , all the darkness Nick was seeing was replaced with an intense white light , so intense that it felt like he was starring directly at the surface of the sun , and that his eyes were melting . Nick was obviously disoriented and confused , " Where am I ? Hello ? I can 't see anything . . . " Nick repeated these phrases a few times , as he propped himself up , and eventually sat on the platform , waving his right hand around in front of him , and using his left hand to rub his eyes . David Monroe was only halfway finished with his toaster - made waffles , but he was ready to leave . He took larger than usual drinks of his coffee , in an attempt to finish it quicker . At this point , he just wanted to get out of his brownstone , and get to the solace of his office . He was overly annoyed with the front page of the New York Times , and had to turn off the morning news , because they were both talking endlessly about the same ridiculous story for forty minutes . It annoyed him so much that he decided not to finish breakfast , and to add a shot of Jameson whiskey to his remaining coffee , which he then downed in a single drink . David didn 't care about the mugging and murder of some Miami Playboy , who found himself on the wrong side of 96th street and too far east of Fifth Avenue . Why would some rich fool venture up there anyways ? He was probably looking for some Spanish Whores , and ended up crossing paths with the wrong people . What annoyed David the most about his morning , was that he was trying to convince himself that he didn 't care , but because of all the media coverage , he just couldn 't take his mind off of the event . Nick Webber was some oil tycoon 's heir , who appeared to travel to New York City alone the previous day . No airline had any records of him purchasing a return ticket , which confused the police . A taxi driver had picked him up at the JFK airport , and dropped him off in the heart of Times Square . The cab driver swears that Mr . Webber had no luggage with him , another confusing fact . David walked up two flights of stairs , to the master bedroom , where the sunlight was beginning to shine in through the massive window , and onto the bed , where he paused for a moment to look at his wife , Drea . As she began to stir , he quickly made his way into the master bathroom , hoping to finish getting ready for work before she actually awoke . He brushed his teeth , rinsed his mouth , combed his hair , and added his signature Aqua Velva scent . The Aqua Velva was something he picked up from his grandfather many , many years ago . " The ladies love it , " was what Grandpa Monroe would tell him . The irony of it all was that his wife didn 't really care for it , but David continued to wear it . Maybe it was because of the way his secretary looked at him every day ? Maybe it was because of the flirting he received from Maggie and the other waitresses at Dunham 's Pub ? They did always lean in a little closer and take their sweet time when delivering his pints of lager . Maybe he had just been conditioned to do it ? Or , maybe it was just something he did to spite his wife ? She often bought him other bottles of cologne or body spray , but he just piled them up into the medicine cabinet . On special occasions , he would wear them for her . But , on a day like today , his mind wasn 't on pleasing his wife . When he left the bathroom , Drea was no longer in the bedroom , which caused David to feel a moment of vexation , as he realized he was going to have to interact with her this morning . By now she was most likely waking up their children , and getting them ready for school , meaning that he was going to be caught up in his home life for a few minutes longer than he was hoping . David walked down a flight of stairs to the second level , where he found his wife in their daughter 's room . " Daddy ! ! ! " Susan screamed , like any normal five - year - old would have , as she jumped out of bed and ran to get a hug from her father . David picked up his daughter and spun her around before setting her back down on the ground . " Would you mind waking up Joel ? " His wife asked him , as she got ready to head downstairs and begin breakfast for the kids . David nodded and walked to the other end of the hallway and found his son already awake and playing with his toys on the floor of his bedroom . " Its breakfast time , little buddy , " he said to his son . Joel got up and walked out the room with a couple of his Army men in his hands . David rustled Joel 's hair as he walked past , but it got no reaction from his son . David paused for a minute and watched his son walk to the stairs , before he finally just shrugged it off . He was twelve years old and just going through an awkward phase where he didn 't really want to show too much affection to either of his parents . This was fine ; Susan was had more than enough affection for both of her parents . David walked to the door of the third room on the second level , and made a stop in the den to grab his briefcase and make sure he had all of his paperwork for that day . Two minutes later , he was down the stairs and in the kitchen to say good - bye to his family . He kissed both of his kids on their forehead , and then had another impassionate kiss with his wife . He supposed after twenty years of marriage , there really wasn 't much passion left , and it seemed like both he and his wife had lost the energy to fake it anymore . In the privacy of their own minds , they both admitted that if not for their children , they probably wouldn 't be together anymore . They did still loved each other , and they both loved their family very much , but there just wasn 't any more passion between them . Over time , they just drifted apart . Neither one of them really wanted to face that reality , and neither one of them wanted to admit to the world that they were just yet another failed couple , another broken home statistic . So , for the sake of their family , and their parents , and their relatives , and their friends , they put on the masquerade of a happy family . It 's not like they hated each other , it 's not like they couldn 't stand each other ; they just didn 't feel the spark anymore . They hardly ever fought . They barely ever raised their voices at each other . But , they also rarely ever made love anymore . David was often out the door by seven o ' clock in the morning , and hardly ever returned home before nine or ten in the evening . It 's not that he worked this late , but he often made a stop at Dunham 's Pub on his way home . It was his avoidance of his situation . Sometimes a friend , or co - worker , would join him ; but more often than not , David would sit alone as he would drink away his disappointing life , one drink at a time . Drea finished making scrambled eggs for her children , and turned on some cartoons for them to watch while they ate their Mexican - style eggs and Lucky Charms . She picked up the newspaper and started reading the front page ; it was almost entirely dedicated to the murder of a millionaire . There was a picture of him in a suit , and farther down on the page was a picture of the area of Spanish Harlem where his body was found . It was just south of Jefferson Park , under the FDR , and right near the water . The police assumed that the body was supposed to be tossed into the water , but for some reason didn 't make it . Forensics told the police that Mr . Webber was not killed at that location . His wallet and all of his personals were missing from his pockets . He was identified after his fingerprints were run through their system . Like most rich celebrities , Mr . Webber had more than a few altercations with law enforcement . Mostly misdemeanors involving alcohol and public intoxication , but nonetheless , his prints were there to match . Drea sat back and wondered what it would be like to have that much money . It 's not like she had a bad life . David made a good seven - figure salary each year , and told her that she never had to work . Even if their marriage wasn 't the greatest , he liked his wife to always be available to their children , and he didn 't mind her taking the afternoons to go shopping , or do anything else that she wanted . He never asked anything of her , and he gave her the freedom to do almost anything she wanted . If she wasn 't going to be home in time for the kids , she had a nanny that was on call for her . Lupe lived on the same block , and was the live - in nanny for one of their friends . If Drea was going to be late , Lupe was always available to get the children and take them to the Anderson 's place until she came home . But , what would it be like to have no children , no responsibilities , no bills , everything paid for , and the ability to wake up every morning with the possibility to do anything that one wanted to do ? In the article , it discussed how the Webber family had kicked Nick off the Board of Directors many years earlier , yet he still received a percentage of profits at the beginning of each fiscal year , a sum reported to be around ten million dollars . It also reported that when Nick turned eighteen , he received the inheritance his grandfather left him , a lump sum of fifty - eight million dollars - after taxes - that each of his siblings and cousins also received . Drea compared these numbers to their own bank account , in her mind . After almost twenty years of marriage , and ten years of David being a partner at his law firm , they had almost twenty million dollars in the bank , and maybe another ten million in stocks . With the recent decline in the stock market , they may have lost three or four million dollars , but that was inconsequential to them . Their brownstone cost about four million dollars , and they paid it off in five years . They owned one BMW sports utility vehicle , which they kept in storage , and rarely ever drove ; aside from their occasional vacations to visit family . The car is also completely paid off . As far as finances went , the Monroe family was pretty set , and didn 't have much to worry about . It confused Drea , why she was so fascinated with it . Until she realized that she was fascinated with something aside from the money , what really got her brain thinking was the lack of responsibility , while still being so financially stable . Before meeting David , Drea wasn 't the most stable girl . She spent a lot of time dreaming big , and living a much more lavish lifestyle than she should have . She was a small town girl with big dream , and she didn 't make the best choices in her youth . However , she always felt in control of her life , a feeling she didn 't have any more . Everything was pretty much planned out , and she was just along for the ride now . She put down the paper , and picked up the empty plates and bowls from the table . While she was daydreaming , both of her children had run off to get dressed for school . Drea ran the dishes under water , and placed them in the dishwasher . She made her way upstairs and found both children brushing their teeth at the same time . When they finished , they went to their respective rooms to finish getting dressed , as Drea headed back down to the kitchen to load up their sack lunches into their backpacks . Eventually , the three of them walked out the front door and sat down on the front steps together , to wait for the bus . Just like any other morning , the neighborhood kids came around and hung out in front of their place . Drea was kind of like their morning mother . It was honestly the highlight of her day , seeing all of the little kids coming around . She would talk with them , and they would tell her corny jokes that still make her laugh . Eventually , the bus would come , and she would watch all of the children from the neighborhood cram on and leave her . She would then walk back inside , up two flights of stairs , and then slowly undress in front of a full - size mirror in her bedroom . She would look at her body , and wonder when and why David stopped being attracted to her ? Even after giving birth to two children , she still looked fantastic , in her opinion . Sure , her hips might be a little wider than they were twenty years ago , but she just felt like it gave her more curves . She had worked diligently to make sure she shed all of her baby - weight and got back down to the same size she was before getting pregnant . Sometimes , while she was looking at herself , she wondered if anyone could see in the large window at the end of the room . She purposely would not close the blinds , and often hoped that someone was looking at her naked body . She wanted to feel attractive ; she wanted to feel like the object of someone 's - anyone 's - attention , even if it was just a lustful stare from an unknown man . She would purposely make sexy posesEventually , on this morning , Drea would crawl back into bed ; under the covers , and back to her safe world . She didn 't feel like going out today . She planned on calling and rescheduling her hair appointment . Today , she just felt like lying in bed , and thinking . Thinking about how she could maybe make her life better . It took David Monroe around one hour to walk from his front door to his office . It was roughly twenty blocks , and he could have easily made the trip in ten minutes if he would have just gotten on the subway . Instead , David wanted that time in the mornings to put his earphones in and crank his iPod while he was walking . This morning 's temperature was a cool sixty - two degrees , so he was making the trip in his suit . During the summers , he would walk in shorts and a t - shirt and change clothes once he got to his office . It was his routine . From a very young age , David had always loved the city and wanted to soak it in . He would rather walk past hundreds of buildings than ride underneath them . It 's not that he hated the subway ; he probably rode it once or twice a week , depending on what he had going on . Normally , if he had a long way to travel he would just use a cab . He used a cab almost every night to get him home ; twenty - something blocks was way to far to walk after a couple of hours of drinking . As he was walking , David was scrolling through his playlists , trying to figure out what he wanted to listen to on this specific morning . After a few indecisive minutes , David stopped on a playlist called " 1982 " . Music means a lot of different things to a lot of different people , and everyone has memories attached to specific songs . Where you were and what you were doing the first time you heard a song , or a specifically special time that you heard it . The song that was playing the first time you kissed a girl , or made love to someone you were head over heels about , or the song whose lyrics remind you of bad break - up . Music has the power to invoke many emotional responses , and David was weighing the options of choosing this playlist . He didn 't listen to it very often , because it was full of songs that would take him on many emotional roller coasters . The problem was , once he stopped on it , he almost doomed himself to it . After a few quick seconds of hesitation , he hit the play button . The playlist was filled with a collection of songs from David 's senior year of high school , and each one of them correlated to a specific moment , with a very special girl . David passed no less than six Starbucks , before he stopped at a small hole - in - the - wall corner bakery to get a croissant and some coffee . He could have eaten it while he was walking , but this morning he decided to sit in the shop and listen to a few more songs than he normally would have gotten to . By the time he walked into the front door of the skyscraper where his office was located , he was in a deep nostalgic coma . The entire ride up the elevator , she was on his mind . He exited the hallway and mindlessly waived at the receptionist to his firm . He walked down the hallway , and briefly stopped at the desk of his secretary , Judy , where he picked up the pile of papers and envelopes from her . David finally looked up at her and paused to think to himself . Was he in a better mood than normal ? Maybe he was ? He did just listen to almost ninety minutes of music that reminded him of the happiest time of his life . Maybe those feelings were surfacing on his face . That 's what she could do to him . That 's how she could make him feel . Almost thirty years later , just listening to these specific songs could put him in this euphoric state . After giving her that lame excuse he entered his office , closed the door , and locked it behind him . At that moment , David decided that he wasn 't going to be doing any work today . He had some other , more important , things on his mind . He set everything down on his desk , and then walked over and placed his iPod into a stereo docking station , and let this reminiscent collection of songs continue to play . He looked at his scotch collection on the table , and on this fine morning he decided to pour himself some Johnny Walker Excelsior , the most expensive liquor he has in his collection at work . David often reserved this liquor for when he sealed a large deal , or made a nice commission , or when he was trying to impress someone . However , today he felt like she was worthy of this drink . He put a single cube of ice into a glass and filled it about half full . He moved himself to one of his couches , kicked his feet up onto his coffee table , looked out the floor - to - ceiling windows of his corner office and out into the city he loved so much . It was moments like this that David treasured . Five years ago , he couldn 't have done this . Five years ago , he was still clocking in at six in the morning , and working until all hours of the night , just to impress the partners at this firm . David constantly went above and beyond what was asked of him . Some of his previous associates would often speak poorly of David , and talk about how he was sucking up and whoring himself out to the partners . In a way , they were right about him . But , David didn 't care . He did everything he felt that he had to do in order to get where he wanted to get , and now he was there . Those other little trash - talking punks can 't say the same thing . Now , they are running around and doing the things that he tells them to . Unlike David , who is sitting in a corner office on the twenty - third floor , looking south on the island of Manhattan . On a clear day , David can almost see the Statue of Liberty with his bare eyes . Usually , he would just the telescope he had in hSometime around noon , after he finished his second glass , David moved to his computer and sat down to do a standard Google search . He typed in her name and hit enter . WOW ! Was all that David could think when hundreds of thousands of results came back . Maybe her name was too common , could he really find her ? As he scrolled through the results , he realized there were pages from Iowa , Kentucky , and even California . David didn 't think she would have ever left the state of New York , so he did a new search including " New York " this time . There were still tens of thousands of results . David looked into websites that were designed for people to find others who went to their high school , with no luck . He even spent some time on a couple of different social networking sites , but couldn 't find her registered on any of them either . After three hours of looking through roughly a hundred internet pages , David paused to ask himself : Does this make me a stalker ? Could this be considered stalking ? Is this how serial killers start out ? Do they start with an obsessive thought about a specific person , and then the growing desire to know anything and everything about them ? Twenty - nine years ago , he knew everything about her , and they had no secrets . Now , he couldn 't even discover a way to contact her . David tried to search for her parents , but couldn 't find anything on them either . By four o ' clock in the afternoon David couldn 't do it anymore . So many websites , so much clicking of his mouse , typing in her name , and various forms of her name , and other little hints that he thought might narrow down the search results . After all this time , he was no closer to even possibly having any contact info for her . David forced himself away from his desk , and stood in the middle of his office . He 'd tried to find her before , but never to this extent . In the past , when her name or memory would come up , he would call the old numbers he had for her , or do a quick internet search , but easily gave up after minutes of no answers . For some reason , today was different . For some reason , today David had an obsessive nature about himself , and he couldn 't stop himself from wanting to see her and talk to her , despite the fact that she probably still didn 't want to talk to him . Dunham 's Pub was a few blocks uptown from his office , and was more or less on his way home . Five nights a week David would stop here to drink and have his quiet time . For the past twelve years , Drea had never expected him home before nine . In the beginning , it was because he was working so late , now he just told her it was because he was working late . She knew that he often stopped for a drink on the way home , but she did not know that it was many more than one drink . David still had a disillusion that he was fooling his wife , and that she actually believed he was still a late - working man . The reality of the situation was that Drea knew more than David thought , but she just didn 't care . The pub was pretty empty today when David walked in , but he knew that was just because he was so early . After five , many other lawyers , lots of judges , and swarms of law students would descend upon this building and the place would come to life . Being early today allowed David 's food order to arrive in a timely manner . He was almost finished with his food when the first wave of people showed up , which included a few of his drinking associates . David did not use the term " friends " with these people ; they weren 't like the kids he 'd grown up with in Yonkers . No , the appropriate term for them was simply " drinking associates " . Because all of them he 's met in this bar , and didn 't hang out with any of them outside of here . To be honest , that 's why he loved this bar so much , because he didn 't hang out with anyone outside of it . He had no friends that came over on Sundays to watch football games or cook out with him . He didn 't have any buddies to go to baseball games with ; he only went now if he was entertaining a client . He had his wife and their children , and they were all he knew outside of his office and this bar . As the night went on , and the party grew bigger , they moved from the bar and into the corner booth . They drank , they did shots , they laughed , they made fun of each other , and they just had a good time . That 's what David loved most about these people and this place ; he was always in a good mood while in their company . The later it got , the more people dwindled away , walking through the threshold of the front door and back out into the " real world " where they went their separate ways . David eventually found himself sitting at table with three other guys : Mike , Steve , and Brandon . Women were most often the topic of discussion between these three men , and that held true tonight . After listening to stories of recent sexual conquests and complaints about girlfriends , David brought to the table his dilemma : his newfound obsession with his high school girlfriend . This topic sparked another two - hour discussion , three more rounds of shots , and four more beers apiece . His drinking buddies shared stories of their failed relationships and gave their excuses for why they would never consider looking up their exes . Eventually , Mike and Brandon were gone , and David asked the server for his bill . It was at this time that Steve took out a business card , placed it on the table , and slid it across . David looked down and picked it up . He examined it quickly before asking , " What 's this ? " " You sound like you 've got a lot of remorse about how your life ended up turning out . This is someone who can help you . His job is to make lives better , to make them what you want them to be . Just listen to what he has to say , if you 're not interested , then all I 've done is waste your time . " After his response , Steve stood up and began to walk away . David couldn 't lie to himself , he was intrigued . He was curious . He looked back down at the business card , and noticed one major issue . David was confused , but he just assumed that was because he was drunk . Maybe this will all make sense in the morning . The cute server brought David his check , and he stood up to put his credit card back in his wallet . He then grabbed the business card off the table and gave it one last examination . David dealt with business cards on a daily basis , and could tell this one was printed on a nice thick card stock , and had only eleven raised letters printed on it . Before he put the card in his pocket , David memorized that name on the card , Noah Coleman . Noah Coleman stood in front of his bathroom mirror , and finished shaving . He then stood in front of the mirror and looked at himself . At the age of fifty - seven he was still in pretty good shape . Sometime he wondered why took such good care of this body . His contract with Desmond was up in three years , and then Noah was free to choose where he wanted to go . And at that time , this body wouldn 't matter . He walked out of the bathroom into the one room of his studio apartment . Noah was a simple man . The walls were all still painted white , despite the fact he 's lived in this apartment for the past twenty - three years . There was no artwork on the wall . There were no magnets on the refrigerator . Noah was somewhat of a neat freak , but he was also a minimalist . He hated clutter . He had a large trash can , with a paper shredder on top of it , and this wasn 't just any paper shredder , this was the most insane model known to man . If Noah received a catalog in the mail that he didn 't want , this paper shredder could destroy up to 200 sheets of paper at once , without a hiccup . Noah shredder everything before it left his building , another idiosyncrasy he 'd picked up throughout his life . As he buttoned his shirt , he stood in front of his television watching BBC One . For many years , Noah had to use cloned IP addresses , and routed websites to access the real BBC One channel in the United States . Then , a few years ago , when Desmond came to visit , he bought Noah a nice , large Plasma - screen TV , and hooked modified , to route through the internet to Desmond 's home , and convinced the television it was actually in Kensington . Noah had no interest in watching the American news , and thought that the channel BBC America was just pathetic , and never offered him what he wanted . Having access to Desmond 's regular channel line - up was probably one of the greatest gifts he 'd ever received . It allowed him to watch all of the BBC channels , as well as Sky , Five , and DMAX and many more . Desmond was born and raised in Kensington , just west of tPosted by TWENTY YEARS AGO . Andrea Crowe came to New York City with big dreams in her head . She was a small - town girl from the Midwest . Many of her friends had moved to Chicago , and gone to various acting schools and performance academies . But Andrea wanted to be bigger and better than her friends . So , at the age of twenty - one , she packed up a car - full of her belongings and moved to The Big Apple . When she drove across the George Washington Bridge , she had no idea where her car was going to take her . She had roughly five hundred dollars cash in her pocket and about the same in her bank account . She wondered how long a thousand dollars could last her in this city . After driving around the city for four hours , Andrea stumbled upon the Vanderbilt YMCA , which would become her home for the next couple of weeks . Her first night in town , she made her way into Times Square , where she hung out for hours . Just watching the people , and absorbing the vibe of the city . She already felt like she was on the top of the world . She found a dive pizza joint , where she enjoyed her first of millions of slices of New York Style pizza , which she thought was so much better than the deep - dish that most people in the Midwest favored . Maybe that was another reason she didn 't want to move to Chicago ? She walked up and down 46th and 47th Streets , memorizing the shows that were playing in each theatre . She dreamed of one day performing on any of the stages in this city . Then she took a long walk up Seventh Avenue , and into Central Park . Andrea felt the most freedom she had ever felt in her entire life . At that specific moment in her life , no one knew where she was , and she was in control . She wandered through the park , and eventually came to a large pile of rocks , with a clearing in the trees in front of it . On top of this rock , she was able to stand and gaze at the night skyline of the city , including the beautifully lit sign for The Essex House . As she exited the park , she decided that she should probably at least call her parents and let them know thPosted by TWENTY - NINE YEARS AGO . David Monroe was in love . Head over heels in love . Her name was Amanda Wilson , and she was everything he had ever looked for in a girl . They had started dating roughly nineteen months earlier . Now , David had graduated from High School , and Amanda was about to be a senior in the fall . David was about to head off to college , but he knew in his heart that he wanted nothing more than to find a way to make things work with Amanda . After all , Cambridge was less than four hours away . There had to be some way to make this work . David was sitting in a booth at Maier 's Deli ; it was a booth that he and Amanda had shared numerous times before . She called him earlier that day , and asked him to meet her there this afternoon . She was working , but wanted to see him as soon as she was done . While he sat there , eating some French fries , he began to think back to how happy he had been over the past nineteen months . David didn 't have any long - time or serious girlfriends before Amanda , she was the first girl he had sex with , and she was perfect in his eyes . Later in life , David would often be ashamed of himself for the way he acted at this time . He couldn 't believe that he ever allowed someone to mentally control him without even trying . He would have done anything she ever asked him to , and in the end , he did do what she asked him to do , even though it ended up breaking his heart and transforming him into a shattered version of himself . It was two days before Winter Break , during David 's junior year , and he had just wrapped up a weightlifting session after basketball practice . On this particular day , he decided he wasn 't ready to head home yet . It was probably one of the days that his father was working late , and he knew his mother wasn 't going to be doing anything special for dinner , so David decided to spend a little extra time in the gym at school . He left the weight room , grabbed a basketball and headed into the gym for some free throw drills . He 'd shoot two hundred free throws , in sets of twentyPosted by David had been sitting at his desk , when his cell phone started ringing . It was the phone call that was going to eventually change his life , in ways he could never have imagined . Within two minutes of talking to Noah Coleman , he was convinced that something major was about to happen in his life , and he was more than eager to set up a meeting . Steve had recommended him , and sure enough , this guy hunted him down . So , David was more than curious , and more than willing , to find out what was going on . Two days later , David finds himself on his way to meet this mysterious man face - to - face . It wasn 't until right now , during the elevator ride to the top floor of this building , that David had any second thoughts . But , during long ride up so many floors , anxiety began to set in , and David realized that he didn 't know what to expect . What if this all turned out to be a hoax ? What if it turned out to be a robbery ? How much cash do I have on me ? How much do I really know about Steve ? Should I have trusted him ? Maybe this was a bad idea ? Luckily , for David , the elevator doors opened before he had a full - blown panic attack . He took one large deep breath , and then stepped out into the lobby . The room was full of browns and tans and lots of earth tones ; the couches , the chairs , the paintings , all very neutral in color . Neutral and soothing . Soothing enough to calm David down . There were some potted plants around the lobby , and on each side were large wall fountains that stood from floor to ceiling and spanned the entire length of the walls . David could see goldfish , amongst others , swimming in the waters at the bottom . Across the room , David could see a cute little brunette girl sitting behind a desk . Behind the girl , through large glass windows , David could see the hustle and bustle of over a dozen people working vigorously on computers , and others supervising them . Those at the computers appeared to be watching some kinds of home movies , or something . He was curious and attempted to process everything he was seeing while he waPosted by As the doors opened to Underground Level 1 , David Monroe had to squint his eyes . The fluorescent tube lights were reflecting off the solid white walls , which he wasn 't expecting . He wasn 't really sure what he was expecting , but going to a level titled " underground " invoked visions of caves and secret hidden rooms , not bright hospital - like hallways . The three men exited the hallway , and David followed behind them as they made their way to the other end of the hall . As they passed by each door , David noticed names on the doors to each room . He assumed he was passing by more offices . As they reached the end of the hall , they stopped at a door with the nameplate of Justin Abraham on it . As they entered the room , David realized that his assumption that these were offices was off target . Inside the room , he found multiple television monitors taking up the entire opposite wall , and in front of the televisions were five workstations with multiple computer screens at each one . Five individuals , two women and three men , were sitting at the various stations and all paused what they were doing when the men entered the room . " You 're all fine , please go back to work . Just a potential client , " was how Noah handled the situation , and with those words , David could hear the furious clicks of the mouse at each station , and began to watch long strings of numbers on each monitor , which appeared to somehow correlate to the video on each screen . Noah walked to one of the work stations and picked up a large folder , similar to the folders David had seen earlier . Noah returned to David 's side and began reading from the file , " Justin Abraham , age forty - seven , owner and operator of a company that custom builds private jets for the rich and famous . Current net worth is close to one hundred million dollars . Selected the following decision to change : six years ago , he had a long - term affair with a much younger woman , and eventually left his wife to pursue a relationship with the younger woman . After a nine month relationship , thPosted by |
It 's all over the news , Robin Williams have committed suicide . Or so they suspect . Difficult to know if a person doesn 't leave a note , isn 't it . On the other hand , it doesn 't seem like a whole lot of people do . Even if the person has thought about ending his ( I will call a person he in this post , to make life easier but you can easily just change it to she . ) life for a long time , it seems like it still is pretty much a thing of the moment . A rash decision . Something triggers it that particular day . That particular moment . My heart goes out to Robin Williams ' family . My son 's first comment was , " he was only 63 ! " In other words , he had lots of time left , lots of more projects to finish , many more films to delight us with . My first thought was , what triggered this act ? Had he just found out that he has a brain tumour ? Alzheimer 's ? In my mind , I have a difficult time seeing someone ending their life , if they do have a future , a life , something to look forward to . But we never know do we ? We never know what really goes on in another human being 's mind ? What are their thoughts ? What are the things they feel they can absolutely not cope with ? We all get trials here in life , and what one person handles just fine , another person might feel is a real stumbling block , a Mount Everest , that they can not climb nor get by . I have been thinking about this a lot lately . How noone knows what goes on behind the four walls of a home . Families that seem happy , can be struggling in all sorts of ways . Put on happy smiles as soon as they go out the door , since it is humiliating to admit that one has problems . Or putting on a brave face because they know that noone care about anything but themselves . I had someone come up to me in church Sunday , asking me how things are . I had one second to decide what to say . I made the decision that " this person couldn 't care less . He is only asking to be polite . " So I just answered " too many mosquito bites " , since one of my five bites bothered me at that moment . He smiled at me , relieved that I did not start up on a whining story and answered " if only all trials were that simple ! " . I did not comment . I could have told him exactly how bad everything is , but it was not the time , nor the place to do so . I walked in to my classroom and was angry at myself , because now he will think that we have no problems . And is that really the impression I wanted to give him ? Fact is , that when we are sad , we usually have noone to talk to about it . Sure , some go to therapists and vent , but honestly , does it do any good ? I went and talked to a counselor after loosing Serena Rose , but what did I get out of it ? Nothing ! It solved nothing . I did not feel happier . I mourned as much as before . And on top of it all , I had her crying as well . Not a good thing , is it ? I have come to the conclusion that we are all alone here with our trials . It doesn 't matter if we have a parent available or a spouse or whatever . In the end , we have to go through everything by ourselves . A husband can sit by his wife , when she is in labour and hold her hand , tell her he loves her , but she is the one who has to give birth to that baby and noone but her can feel the pain . The wife with cancer , can have her husband 's and children 's support , them doing things for her . But she is the one who is facing death , alone , and she is the one who gets the chemo pumped in to her , she is the one who is nauseous and vomits , she is the one who looses her hair . We are alone with all our pain , all our sorrow , all our thoughts . Noone else can live our life for us . And to some people , this just becomes too much . I stand in for a decision to medicate my son or not . In Canada , children as young as eight years old , has committed suicide when they have been put on ADHD medications . I just learned a week ago , that in the Victorian era , all medicine were called " poison " . And all medicines really is poison isn 't it ? It does miracles for one condition , but it hurts you in some other way . E . had a friend who was put on medication for bad eczema . Her skin became tolerable and did not itch too bad , but the medication stunted her growth and made her go in to puberty before ten years of age . Help one area , and damage another . Take an aspirin for your head ache , and your head will feel better , but your stomach lining will bleed . Not to mention things like digitalis which is used for heart conditions but has also been used to commit murder ! But I have digressed from the topic , that of suicide . I do not know why the little children suddenly decided to end their lives , when put on the amphetamine drugs , they put ADHD children on . Probably a side effect of the medicine , like all others . But to once again have to be on suicide watch ? Am I ready for this ? Because I have been there before . Oh , have I been there before ! My dad , was a strong man . He wrestled , he lifted weights , he was the all macho man in our home . He run our home with like a dictator . My mum was through my childhood , a doormat , waiting on him . She had no say in any matters . She was not allowed to drive his car , because she could damage it . He was the one deciding on what was supposed to be purchased for the house . His domain was the garden , the lock up , the car and the storage room . All day long he was at work and when he came home , he expected dinner on the table . After eating dinner , he would take a short nap and then head off to train his body . I could say a lot about my dad . But I will just say this : I loved him ! He was my hero , he was my ally . I could sit and make mental notes when observing him : " When I marry , my husband will have to help out in the kitchen , he will have to carry out garbage … " , but I still loved him . For how he was and for who he was . Because he was my dad . He might have hurt my mum and her self - esteem , but he never ever hurt me . And then one day , it all changed . August 1976 , he fell down at work and the doctors gave him no hope . He was going to die . His brain injury was too severe . But a miracle happened . He did wake up from the coma , his paralysis was just temporary , he did get to come home from the hospital eventually . He even married my mum , after 22 years of co - habitation . But now I know , that he probably did so because he was afraid that she would leave him . Now when he was not man enough to run the home anymore . She did not want to marry him , but was persuaded by people from the state church . It was necessary , to keep him happy . Because the man who woke up from the coma , was no longer my dad . He could no longer talk , but through 20 questions , which became 50 for the simplest things , he pretty soon was able to convey to us , that he no longer wanted to live . This was not the person he wanted to be , not the life he wanted to live . Being dependent on his woman and children , was not my dad 's thing . He had been in charge before , but not so anymore . My mum had to learn how to drive , she had to go to the bank to get help with all matters financial , the neighbours had to teach her everything about house and garden . And every day she brought me in to her confidence because there was noone else . I was 11 and I had to become an adult the day my dad fell down . My sister was to be allowed to be a child , but according to a family counselor that we met up with six years later , my mum forced me to become her spouse . Not physically but psychologically . Gone were my carefree days , but I will never hold it against my poor dad . My strong dad was suddenly pale . His whole body sloped in depression . When he cried , it would bring on an epilepsy seizure , a result from the brain surgeries , and I had to learn how to take care of those . My mother brought him to a speech therapist for his aphasia , but it was decided that I should help him , not her , since she could not control her temper and just made him upset with her impatience . She resented him , his weakness , that his old self would not come back and over the years , all her passive aggressive bottled up anger , surfaced and made him the target and when he was gone , I took his place . He was put on antidepressants and since they had side - effects , he was put on medicines to combat the side - effects . She brought him to a psychiatrist who said that the people who talk about suicide never commit the act . You are safe ! All the same , she hid all his medicines in my closet , for me to guard with my life , so that my dad did not find them and overdose on purpose . I sat with him and tried to teach him how to talk again . I tried to tell him thousands of reasons why he must go on living . I sat with my dad crying in my arms but I could not take his sorrow away . When he got the pre - symptoms of an epilepsy seizure , he finally only needed to look at me in a certain way , and I knew what to do . Help him lay down and get the plastic spatula in between his teeth , before it started . I sat with him even though I was so scared , through the seizure when his entire body was wrecked to and fro . I could not hold him still so I made sure he did not fall out of the bed or crash in to a table , if I had him laying on the kitchen floor . The 18th June 1979 , he came home from work . He no longer was allowed to weld since that can bring on epilepsy seizures , but they did find him other work . His colleagues had asked him , if he wanted to accompany them on a job out on town , them all working for the council . He was happy over having been asked , and went out to turn their work van around , in preparation , waiting for them . But they did not come , so he went in to do something quick and when he looked out the window , they had left without him . He came home so terribly upset , conveying through 50 questions , that he felt so ashamed since others had seen him turn the car / lorry around , and now they must think him insane for having done so . When he obviously was not going anywhere . My mum started nagging on him , that she had borrowed a sledge - hammer from a neighbour , and that they needed to use it that day , hammer in loose boards on the house , in preparation for re - painting the house . He was upset and could not care less about a stupid sledge - hammer or a house that needed painting . She has always been insensitive and without empathy when it comes to weakness , disease , pain etc . Always healthy as a fiddle , she couldn 't understand ! ( Now she has got to taste of her own medicine , but she thought she was always going to be healthy . ) You do not push someone depressed ! But she did . She screamed at him and he stood up and hit her so hard she flew across the kitchen floor . And I , the stupid idiot , ran to help her , shocked by his action . She stood by the door , to the wash room , me on her right side and Monica , my then 9 - year - old sister , ran and placed herself on the left side of her . My dad stood there in front of us , not believing his eyes . At that moment it must have seemed to him , like he had the whole world against him . He had never looked as sad as that before . The sorrow in his eyes can not be described . I should have run up and hugged him , talked to him , told him that I still loved him . He stroked my mum 's cheek , patted my sister 's head and then turned to me and I took a leap to the side . WHY ? I was so upset at his violence . And I wanted him to understand that . Instead he said " NOT YOU ? " . He SAID it ! That was the last time I saw my dad ! He stormed out of the house , my mum in tow , but he looked at her in such a threatening way , that she did not dare to follow him . He went off on his bicycle and my mum phoned an old wrestling pal of his . Once before , he had headed to this old pal , and had handed him a plastic bag with a noose in it . The man came with his wife and two daughters . He went looking for my dad and the police was also called in . I remember standing on the balcony looking down the road and seeing this man coming walking leading a bicycle . I ran down and thought finally ! It must have been around 22 : 00 - 23 : 00 . But it wasn 't my dad . The police arrived with a priest a couple of hours later . My sister had been asleep for hours , my dad 's pal had taken his family home as well . I sat on the stairs , trying to hear . The police did not want me to listen in but my mum just said " let her come down here " . So there I sat , on the sofa , finding out that my dad had gone to the nearby forest and had hung himself . When we received his belongings , I grabbed his glasses to see if they were tear - stained , but they were not . For years I did not dare to sleep in my own bed , because every time I fell asleep , I saw my dad 's dead body hanging from a tree . To this day I can not watch a scene on TV with a man / woman hanging or being hanged . To get some closure , I have through the years read up on what happens to a person when they die , through hanging . I no longer have the nightmares . But I miss my dad sorely . My mum had her favourite child and it was never me . I needed my dad in my life . To me a crippled dad was better than no dad at all . To me the work with him was nothing compared to a life without him . I was so angry at him for deserting me like he did , leaving me with a mother who did nothing but to try to break me down . I felt deserted . Lonely . And started to have suicide thoughts myself , wanting to be with my dad and not with my psycho mum . My life became more of a hell , two years after his death , when she met an alcoholic man , fell in love and had him move in with us right away . Not a day went by , when I did not ponder ending my life . What helped me the most were two things . Moving away from my mum 's house . And reading a book , called " Return from Tomorrow " . I came to the US in 1986 and everybody I met , was reading that book and telling each other how amazing it was . So , this family I was staying with , got me the book for Christmas . And yes , it was an amazing book . George Ritchie , got ill while in the military . Little do we know , how many died , before they even got to leave for the front ! He actually died for 9 minutes , in a military hospital , back in WWII . The book is about all the things that he saw while dead and while I do not remember much from that book , having read many since and having read it perhaps too fast , one thing etched itself on my brain . We always think that when a person dies , they go to some off place in space somewhere . Call it heaven , call it hell . But George Ritchie saw , that they are here , right among us still . They do not go anywhere . To be in hell , is to still have all the passions and cravings one had on this earth . An alcoholic will hang out in a pub but not be able to drink , since he has no body . His torment from earth will still be there , in the spirit world . No , what made an impact on me , was what George Ritchie said about people who have committed suicide . They walk behind their loved ones , trying to say how sorry they are for having caused so much pain . Whether one believes in a life after this or not , is up to everyone 's individual faith or belief . But I believe in what George Ritchie wrote in his book . At that second , when a person decides on taking his life , nothing matters but himself . All other feelings are locked out , the person gets a one - track mind . It is a selfish act , yes . At that moment the person only cares about himself . He has no thoughts on the past , none on the future , there is only here and now . And the person decides " I can 't go on living , I do not want to live " . How many of you have been caught speeding ? How many of you have noticed a police standing in a bush with a speeding camera and you have gone all cold and sweaty inside ? At that moment , when you see the camera or when the policeman walks up to you and says " you do know that the speed limit is only … here " , don 't we all wonder " why did I do it ? " . No excuse is good enough . We wish we could turn the clock back . We did not really mean to do anything wrong . I believe that when the dead person 's spirit leaves his body , then his pain is gone , and that is when he can look at others . The initial relief is no doubt there , but I am sure , 100 % sure , that the person never knew or understood what the act of suicide does to people around him . It is one thing when a sick person dies . You get to say goodbye . You may even feel relief for that person , that he no longer will have to be ill and suffer pain . It is one thing when a person dies in an accident . It is unexpected , sudden and you don 't get to say your goodbyes . But what happened was out of everybody 's control . " Shit happens " as they say . ( Sorry , about the language but everybody is likely to have heard the expression . ) But when a man or a woman commits suicide , you don 't get to say goodbye , it happens suddenly without forewarning , even if there have been signs of depression , and it is a sign of rejection to the survivors . The way we feel , after our loved one has killed himself , is that we were not important enough , for him to want to live . An acquaintance of mine , once told me and others , that she contemplated divorce . She felt there was nothing left , she did not even know what the point of continuing would be . Then she started to scrapbook her family 's photos from over the years and she said , sitting there and looking at everything she and her husband had experienced together , things they had laughed at together , cried over , opened her eyes . Suddenly she felt horrible for even having thought of leaving him . That is why a suicide is so painful , so ghastly , so beyond everything harmful to a family . The person does , with his act , spit on the past . He says , that it meant nothing . At least it was not worth to live for . There was nothing to salvage . The trials were too much . Even though God has clearly stated that he does not test any human being beyond their capacity . The people who feel that he does , do not know their own capacity in other words . There is a way out of everything . We must believe that . And what George Ritchie saw , in the deceased - by - their - own hands , was remorse . They never intended to inflict such pain in their loved ones . In some cases they might have felt that the loved ones would be better off without them . But now , they might finally have realized how much they meant in the others ' lives , how much they were needed . I don 't want my dad to walk around behind me , trying to beg me for forgiveness . He was so ill . He could not accept his new self . That he would never be who he had been before . He could not get his old life back . I would say , that we could have created a new life for us , for him . But it takes two to tango ! And I was not the one who had to live in his body and go through the things he was going through . I could hug him and say that all was going to be alright , but that was not enough for him . And is it enough for anyone in pain ? |
At lunch we enjoyed two of the tomatoes , some of the celery I grew that I showed you a couple of days ago , and some radishes I grew . We had carrots from the store and a hard - boiled egg . Nice , crunchy good - for - us lunch ! We 're trying to have Amber inside with us more and more during the day . My husband took her for a long walk and then we brought her inside while we ate lunch . She dive - bombed Molly , of course , so I put Molly out while we concentrate on Amber for the moment . ( She 's asleep beside my feet now as I type this . ) Later I 'll bring Molly in and hold her in my lap while Amber cavorts around , wheeling , spinning , and wagging her tail , and see if we can make progress on melding the various members of the family … Amber is fine until one of us leaves the room , she sees Molly , she sees a cat , or her toy rolls under the gate , or … . She proved yesterday morning that , unless one of us sits at the gate , like a gatekeeper , flyswatter in hand , ready to jump up , yell , " NO ! " and swipe her with the swatter , the gate will not keep her in . She can still slide under it , though she won 't be able to do that much longer at the rate she 's growing . She can easily leap over it , and that will get easier as she gets larger . The gate is a joke , only making it harder for the people to get in and out . Our efforts to allow Amber to come inside with us seem to be working , albeit slowly . This morning , for example , we had Molly sit beside my husband 's chair at the table while we were eating breakfast . We brought Amber in . She ran around like a mad thing for a few moments , and then zeroed in on Molly . My husband was ready with the flyswatter , and soon Amber got the message that if she dive - bombed Molly , she got swatted . She finally decided to lie down at my feet . This worked well until Molly decided to move . We went through the whole thing again , but a shorter amount of time . I 've been told that Amber will be in ' puppihood ' until she is 2 years old . Some have said 4 years . I remember my mother telling my brother and me from time to time , " I 've read all about this stage and you 're going to skip it . " It didn 't work very well for my mom , but maybe it 'll work for us … Meanwhile , Amber showers us with love ( and slobber ) every time we see her . Since we see her very often during the day and evening , we 're building a good relationship . One day at a time ! I decided that she really didn 't have enough room to swim around much in the old bowl . I ordered a new drum - shaped 2 gallon bowl . It 's a bit harder for me when lifting it back up onto the divider , but I 've figured out that I can fill it totally by putting the clean , empty bowl on the divider and then using the extender cable on the faucet to fill it up . : 0 ) I would like to do everything I can to keep Boo happy . She actually swims over to meet my finger - wiggling at me - when I stop and talk to her . I love her bulbous eyes and really wiggly body with all the fins . I 'm beginning to think I am unable to get a good picture of her . Here is one I found on the net that gives you a better idea of what she looks like . I 'm sporting a new bandaid on the index finger of my right hand from an innocent game of tug of war with her rope . The thing is , you 're playing , having a good time , and suddenly , she cheats , biting YOUR end of the rope - and my finger in the process … . The lesson is that if you 're not the one with the sharp teeth , you 'd better pay better closer attention . This morning my husband was letting Amber have a time in the living room with him . He routinely keeps the retractable leash on her , giving her lots of room to play with her toys , and sitting on the part you usually hold . He then reads a magazine . This morning , all of a sudden Amber was free ! He was still sitting on the end of the leash , so - Amber had quietly chewed through the end of the leash that goes to the part you clip on her collar ring . The clipping part was still hanging on the ring - minus the leash . My husband tied the end of the leash around the clipping end so we can still use it , but now we know we can 't depend on that keeping her corralled . When we returned from Lunch Bunch and errands , I immediately took Amber out to do her business . That accomplished , my plan was to put her in the office behind the gate , refill my coffee cup , and spend some time with her . In the time it took me to get to the kitchen , Amber was out , wagging her tail at me . ( She had jumped over the gate . ) Thankfully , my husband picked her up and deposited her over the gate into the office again . I climbed over and went to my chair . Happily enough , she is content ( for the moment ) to take a nap right beside the wheels of my chair . I 'll remember not to move my chair … It might sound like I 'm griping , and that would be true - at least on the surface . Amber is definitely a handful . She needs constant care and / or supervision , lots of attention and love , lots of play time and exercise , AND lessons on entertaining herself with hopefully approved activities , AND the idea that it 's OKAY to take a nap and rest at least a little bit every once in a while . Gradually , we 're adapting to each other . I held Molly in my lap last night while Amber cavorted around , trying to get Molly to play with her , diving at her face , leaping around the room . Molly wasn 't happy with the situation , but she 's beginning to realize that Amber is a big , lumbering puppy who means her no harm . Annoying , yes , but dangerous to her , maybe not so much . We 're managing to have some quiet times during the day , where everyone takes a deep breath and gets a bit of rest . Then one of us goes out to play or walk Amber , maybe bring her inside for a bit , feed her , etc . Over and over again , until late at night when it 's crate time . It 's going to work out . I 'm still looking for good sugar - free energy drinks … June 22 , 2017 · 10 : 11 am Silly Humans My name is Amber . I came to live with the Lewises , a kind - enough couple , but kind of doofus , 5 weeks ago . I 've been making wonderful discoveries almost every day since then . For example , I found a squeaker with a new voice in this bright orange bone this morning ! I love it ! ! ! I walk around with it my mouth making it squeak continuously . I can drive my older sister , Molly , nuts with it . If I could smile with it in my mouth , I would . : 0 ) My humans put up a metal gate across the opening of the office , thinking it will make me stay in here with them . My mom went to the kitchen to let Molly in . Was she surprised when I showed up in the kitchen and jumped on Molly ! The humans then finally acknowledged that the gate is a joke . Maybe they 'll leave it down now . My dad took me out with him to the shop . I LOVE going out to the shop because he feeds me a biscuit . I even stop there when my dad ISN ' T there , hoping . My dad put me on a string and then went in and out of the shop throwing stuff into a barrel . Then he did something at the bottom and fire came out of the top of the barrel ! And little bits of black stuff started sailing around , all over the yard around the barrel . One landed close to me . I immediately went to sniff it . YUCK ! It smelled bad , so I jumped backwards and barked at it Then I crept up on it again , slowly , my tail wagging mightily . I then tried to bite it , even though it smelled bad , because I can 't tell what stuff is until I taste it BLECK ! It tasted even worse than it smelled . I spit it out , then sneezed , and my dad laughed at me . June 21 , 2017 · 10 : 59 am Dog with a Ball As Amber calms down more , she is discovering that life is really good . She 's an exuberantly happy three - and - a - half month old , fast - growing yellow labrador retriever puppy . She 's gained 20 lbs in 5 weeks . Our vet said , ' She 's a beautiful dog . " : 0 ) chewing . Though many toys are provided , she wants to chew on EVERYTHING . We have to watch her like a hawk with a rolled up newspaper , a flyswatter , and a stern , " NO ! ! ! ! " with us . treats . She 'll do almost anything for one . She even cheats - pretending to do her business , or peeing several times in the attempt to get more treats . She watches our hands and our pockets , alert for any chance she 'll get one . her crate and other safe places . She readily goes into her crate each night . We got a soft bed to put in there , plus she has a couple of soft toys for snuggling . During the day she pulls out the laundry basket that holds her toys so she can sleep between it and the wall . ( Kind of like me in a restaurant . I like the wall behind me . ) The vet checked her arm pits where the harness was chaffing her . He said they would just heal on their own . He thought she looked and acted GREAT . She was friendly and cooperative with him . We scheduled her to be spayed at 5 months , August 7th . We got more samples of Sentinel , to protect her from Heartworm . We can 't buy any yet , because even the 3 - pack wouldn 't be the right dosage as fast as she 's growing . Amber didn 't fuss with any of the undignified things that happen to dogs on the table at the vet 's . She didn 't seem to even notice the shots . The vet noticed the " Thunder " leash we were using and asked about it . He hadn 't seen it before . We explained that if she pulls on the leash , the strap around her squeezes her . Her reaction is to slow WAAAAY down , or even stop and sit . This is really a good thing when you have a big dog and you 're not as young or strong as you used to be . Since she 's growing like one of our weed trees , we feel good we found it . She still will run around or through our legs , if we 're not paying attention , so it 's still a challenge to walk her when she 's off the beaten path of our land . We let her stick her face out of the window , with her riding in my lap , on the way home . Suddenly , she turned around , looked at me and licked my cheek . We all laughed . I don 't think I 've ever noticed a dog 's eyelashes before . I love a dog 's eyes , and I 'm partial to dark noses , but I love Amber 's eyelashes . I still haven 't gotten a good picture of them , but if you look carefully , you can see that they are light , like her hair . June 19 , 2017 · 11 : 48 am New Collar and Tag on the Way It doesn 't show in this picture , but Amber is wearing a never - used collar we ordered for Molly . Her poor underarms are healing from the chaffing she got from the harness . We think this happened so suddenly because she loves to jump into her kiddie pool and then out again on a LOT of our walks . The wet harness then rubbed against her skin . : 0 ( I ordered a new collar in a deep purple with a purple tag on it . Since Amber will have a tag and is microchipped , we decided to forego having her name on the collar she will probably soon grow out of . The collar is an inch wide , so it shouldn 't cause her any rubbing . If it does , we 'll see it more quickly on her neck than we did on her underarms . She goes to the vet tomorrow for her last puppy shots and her rabies vaccination , plus we 'll ask our good vet to look at her underarms to see if there is anything more we should be doing . I 'll be interested to see how much she weighs tomorrow . We think it will be around 30 lbs . She 's not following many of the suggestions for stopping bad behavior yet , such as spraying her with a water bottle ( she LOVES that , trying to bite the stream of water and play in it ) ; shaking a can with coins in it ( she stops for a second , then wants to BITE the can ) ; and now the Bitter Apple spray . I 'll keep spraying , just to see if I didn 't spray things well enough , but this is like living with a little kid . She 's always looking for something to get into , and if she 's quiet , it probably means she 's eating something you really like … " My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard . Mother would come out and say , " You 're tearing up the grass . " " We 're not raising grass , " Dad would reply . " We 're raising boys . " ~ Harmon Killebrew Today I noticed a new ' doggy smell ' when I petted Amber . I made a mental note that we should give her a nice bath very soon . Then she was stopping and licking the floor all around her . We finally stopped and really looked and found that the harness she has been wearing had caused a bare , sore spot under her arm . I rummaged around and finally came up with a collar we got for Molly years ago , but it was too large and couldn 't be made any smaller . It 's 14 ″ , just the right size for Amber - for at least a couple of minutes . I was concerned because it 's storming outside , dark as night right now ( at 9 : 45 in the morning ) and we should be walking her . I feel bad because I didn 't really check her for problems with the harness . She 's so active that it 's difficult to look at her carefully , but we 'll start now , and insist that she allow us to look at her all over from now on . We had been concentrating on touching her mouth , her ears , and her feet , but we should have been making her lie down and let us check her from stem to stern . My dad 's left arm was shorter than his right and his hand was curved , almost useless , from a fall from a horse when he was 3 . I almost forgot that he might be a bit challenged from time to time . He never talked about it , never brought attention to it . He just lived with it . We saw a panhandler on the street when we were on vacation when I was a child . He walked up to the man , who had an arm just like his . The man asked for money , holding up his arm . My dad simply held up HIS arm and said , " Get a job . " My dad loved to tell jokes and stories . He loved puns . He loved sarcasm . He survived by humor when he was a child , dealing with kids on the playground , who made fun of his arm . He made them laugh so hard they finally accepted him and quit bullying . He came to a class when I was going for a Master 's Degree as a Reading Specialist . My talk in that class was teaching children to listen wisely to advertising . My dad was the guest speaker . He was a bit of a celebrity , billing himself as " Tulsa 's 2nd worst radio voice . " His radio spots got people 's attention because they made you listen , sometimes making you laugh . You always remembered the companies lucky enough to hire him . At the end of the class , he said something to the effect - " It 's fun to write advertising commercials . It 's fun to come and talk to you today . But the thing I love the most about today is getting to watch my daughter give a speech . My daughter is Linda Lewis . " You could have heard a pin drop at the surprise - and then delight - in the room . They erupted in applause and I cried . My dad was unique . He was ahead of his time . He wanted my brother and me to call him " Jim " because " dad " kind of embarrassed him . He was an only child and didn 't figure he was that great as a dad . He set an example of honesty , integrity , determination and courage in living his life every day . He said , " Remember me laughing . " I 'm happy to report that Amber is beginning to see the pattern of our lives after living with us a little over a month now . We 're able to let her into the house to hang out with us for a longer and longer time . We 're trying to do this at least a couple of times a day , and NOT entertain her so that she finally lies down and is calm and companionable - at least for awhile . This morning I wanted to get out and fight with the weed trees that are growing just off the civilized part of our back yard , cutting off our view of the valley below . I put her on the dog run after filling a bowl of water for her , figuring that if she could see me working , she wouldn 't get upset . That seemed to work pretty well . She is catching on to the fact that whining and barking don 't bring people . My husband was looking for me because he wanted me to help him move a REALLY heavy 1 / 2 inch thick piece of metal up onto the CNC table so that he could cut it to make a base for his new - to - him ham radio antenna . He saw I was deep in the weed trees , hacking away . He got us a cold drink and moved Amber from the dog run to the long leash on the deck . We all sat out there together - ( even Molly ! - sitting by my husband where she knew the leash didn 't reach ) - and cooled off and talked . We put Amber on the porch when I went out to help my husband . I cut some more weed trees , and quit when it started to rain . It 's still storming now , with some pretty gusty winds , so I brought Amber into the office . I 'll need to mop up the back porch before she can go back out there . ( Fingers are crossed that my new greenhouse makes it through this storm . ) She has NOT eaten the rubber from around her new water dish because she hasn 't figured out a way to upend it - yet . She ' plays ' in it , trying to scoop the water out with her paws , rather than simply drinking it . ( I guess that would be boring ) . Last night she last almost half an hour in the living room with us . She played with her tennis ball and her squeaky ball , her rope , and ran back and forth between my husband and me . We put a gate between our chairs so she couldn 't get out , but she managed to find an opening to the left of my chair , under the table once . : 0 ) Anything else that gets done is gravy . I knew that having a new puppy would be time - consuming . I knew that we would have to really work to give her enough exercise . I have to admit I underestimated how much having a sweet , wriggly , BIG puppy would completely dominate our lives . June 15 , 2017 · 4 : 10 pm Amber 's Rug Amber is a very oral , chewy puppy , not knowing how to handle things unless she 's tasted them first . It 's how my arms and the back of my hands got punctures , scrapes , and mysterious lumps and bruises on them when we first got her . She didn 't ' bite , ' as such . She turns her head quickly from side to side with her mouth open , particularly when she 's excited , and her puppy teeth are very sharp ! This is what remains of the rug . It will no longer even THINK about lying flat . It was to the point that little bits of a plastic - like ' stuff ' were on the floor on the porch . Since we didn 't want her actually EATING the rug , we went looking for a bed that we could put inside the crate . I threw this poor thing away . We have always used a spray bottle filled with water to deter our dogs and cats from doing things we don 't like . This has - and continues to - work with the two cats and Molly , our 12 - year - old cocker spaniel / schnauzer fuzzy white dog . Not so with Amber ! She LOVES to be sprayed with water . She wants to BITE the stream of water . My husband played ' bite - the - water - stream ' with Amber with the hose while I swept and then mopped the back porch , and then emptied the kiddie pool . She was totally wet and laughing with her tongue hanging out when they finished . She then proceeded to jump into the fresh kiddie pool and splash around even more . We are definitely in an era now where nothing stays clean , dry , or in one piece around here for very long . My broom and mop are getting a workout . We again thank Cathy for telling us about a pet gate with a people door . I think she may have saved us from breaking bones . Amber can now jump over the gate we had across the doorway . She can no longer go UNDER it , but when we raised it to where she couldn 't jump over it - yet - I was no longer able to scramble over it to get to the porch ! THANK YOU again , Cathy . My sister - in - law , Mary Lou , recommended another good thing in our efforts to stop Amber from chewing on things that are not chew toys . It 's called " Bitter Apple " Spray . I just ordered some , though - at this point - I 'd have to spray the whole HOUSE . I 'll have it ready when she zeros in on a few things , continuing to go back to them , like the basket I have in the office , and spray THAT . Amber was regularly spilling the ' no - spill ' water bowl we got her , so we bought a small metal one with a rubber edge . She immediately chewed off the rubber edge , and then dumps the dish before we even leave the porch ! I don 't want her to be without water , so we found another one at the co - op today . It 's the same design - metal with sloping sides and a rubber edge - but it 's LARGE . My husband took it out to the porch and filled it up . He said she hadn 't dumped it by the time he came in again … . Amber is pretty good on the retractable leash , walking pretty well with us now . She is no longer afraid going up and down steps . The problem comes when she sees something she really wants , like one of the cats , our dog , Molly , a dragonfly , a clump of dirt she found yesterday … . . and pulls so hard I 'm afraid she 'll pull me off the steps or make one of us fall . We ordered a new retractable ' no - pull ' leash from Chewy . com and it was delivered today . It attaches to her harness , then has a strap that goes around her tummy . When she pulls , it tightens up and squeezes her belly . We tried it today , and it SEEMS to work . She pulled , it squeezed , and she stopped and sat down . We 'll keep working with this and see how it goes . We 've been trying to encourage her to take care of business when we walk her . We 've gotten it across because she LOVES treats . We say , " Hurry Up ! " and she pees . She gets a " Good Girl ! " and a treat . This works like a charm , with the complication that she 's a smart dog . She now thinks she should get a treat for each pee , and so pees about 4 times while we 're out . We only give her a treat for the first one , so she 's a bit frustrated , looking at us and our pockets , not believing she shouldn 't get another treat . She finally takes care of the rest of her business and gets another treat - but we have to watch her because she cheats ! She ACTS like she 's taking care of business , but doesn 't … . Today is our 48th wedding anniversary . We dated for 8 years before we married , so in many ways we think of this as our 56th year together . We hope that - since we have a good start now - we can enjoy MANY more happy years together . Each year we ask each other if our ' option ' to share another year is to be renewed . ( We don 't take anything for granted . ) This morning we agreed that , indeed , we want to spend at LEAST another year together . : 0 ) I think that many people marry for the wrong reasons . When I married my husband , it was because I wanted to share my LIFE with him , whatever happened , forever . That 's a huge commitment and it should not be entered into lightly . Sometimes we feel very , very close . Other times I want to wring his neck . We 're two very different people . We don 't agree on many things . We don 't even use the same salt . But love overrides all . We 've shared everything for 48 years . We built a family together . We have a son who is smarter , braver , and kinder than both of us put together . We wish we could take credit for the man he is , but the truth is we lucked out . We created a daughter who was beautiful , but she died of SIDS at two months of age . The hurt and loss never leave , and changed our lives forever . We 've shared wonderful things , and intense sorrow . We have celebrated the good things together , and have helped each other deal with many tough things . It 's ' the two of us against the world . ' I have seen many people treat their spouse terribly . Then , when out in public - after fighting with their spouse - they turn on the smiles to everyone else . I truly believe it should be the opposite . You should treat your spouse with the best you have in you . Concentrate on treating him better than you would treat anyone else . ( This doesn 't mean you don 't have disagreements , hurt feelings , anger , etc . After all , you two know each other better than anyone else in the world . You know what buttons to push . Sometimes there are hurt feelings because of the TONE . Sometimes it 's just a look . When you 're this close to someone , great care should be taken . ) I 've been trying to ' train ' my husband for years , to no avail . He quotes somebody as saying , " When a woman marries , she thinks she can change him , and he doesn 't . When a man marries , he hopes she 'll never change , and she does . " Amber is a 3 month old yellow Labrador retriever . We adopted her at 10 weeks old , a month ago tomorrow . And what a whirlwind of a month we 've had ! Now our lives revolve on when Amber was last out . We take her out for at least a short walk every two hours from 7 : 30 in the morning until about 11 : 00 at night . If we 're not walking her , we make a point of going out to the porch to cuddle , play , talk , as well as check her water dish . ( She 's definitely a water dog . We fill the bowl half full , and then she cannot seem to stand it until she gets at least one paw in it . She drinks it , plays in it , splashes it all over the floor . We 're hoping that she 'll learn that when she does this , she might have to go for a bit where the bowl is empty . ( Not long , but we 're hoping long enough to get her attention and maybe get her to change her ways . ) The one who handles our new family member best is Smoke . She routinely gets nose to nose with Amber , and then whacks her with a paw . Abby disappears until ' the baby ' has gone back out on the porch Molly tries to disappear , and then growls and snaps a bit when Amber relentlessly continues to try to jump on her face . Of course , even when Amber was being good , standing in front of Molly with her head down , front paws straight out in front of her , bottom high in the air , and tail wagging furiously , Molly still growled and snapped . This picture is a professional one I found on the net , but it gives you a good idea of Boo 's face . She swims right over to me when I feed her , wiggling her body and lots of fins while goggling at me . She doesn 't say much and doesn 't give us any problems - a real relief right now . To say logistics of where animals are at any given time is a full time job around here is a vast understatement . Also , in our efforts to get Amber acclimated to the house more , we try to invite her in several times a day . This is complicated because she loves to jump into the kiddie pool just before coming in from a walk , so we have to check to see how wet she is before she is allowed inside … June 10 , 2017 · 8 : 53 am Our Puppy is Training Us Pretty Well ! Amber is training us to shut the door to the porch when she won 't stop whining or barking . Happily , she is responding to the bark collar ( when she isn 't kicking it , trying to get it off ) , and sometimes stops on her own when we don 't respond to her noise . She is training us to come play with her , sit with her on the porch , bring her inside , or take her for a walk or swim when she is quiet . Shhhhhh ! She is training us to look at her water bowl every time we 're out there to make sure it 's full . Since she 's a water dog , she tends to ' play ' with the bowl , spilling water all over the place . She gets frustrated with us if we don 't check it and refill it . She is also trying to get us to feed her more than twice a day , but she has found we 're really stubborn on that point . Molly and the cats aren 't having any of it . We 're making a point of bringing Amber inside into the kitchen ( with the gate up ) after she has been taken out and then fed so that she can socialize with whoever is with us . Today it was Abby the cat and Molly the dog . Molly would have LIKED to do that , too , but can 't get over the gate . We allowed as much action under the table while we ate as was reasonable , trying to allow them to work it out . Amber was trying SO hard to get Molly to play . At one point , Molly was over by the door to the garage and Amber was in front of her , with her front half down and her back end up , tail wagging furiously . Molly 's reaction was to curl her lip and growl . June 7 , 2017 · 5 : 26 pm Discoveries ! It 's exciting to be a puppy ! Every day when you go out , you make new discoveries ! Today I discovered that there is a flap in the garage door that I can walk through to get into the garage . I dashed through it , only to have ' mom ' pull on my leash until I backed out and came with her . We went around the house several times , though , so I got to go through it again and again before the walk was over . I can go into the house by climbing the steps to the front porch , and climbing the steps to the deck and then to the porch where I stay . There is a gate that keeps me from coming into the house , but sometimes they let me through the people door to visit inside awhile ! And NOW I can go through the flap in the garage door , climb the steps and hope they 'll let me into the house from the garage . My sister , Molly , barks at the doors and they magically open so she can go in . I want to do that , too ! I also discovered a small , black wisp of paper on the way to the shop . I like going to the shop because my dad gives me a cookie . He wasn 't there yet today , though . Mom said he was still in the house . When I saw the black thing I stopped dead in my tracks . What was this ? I got down low to the ground , inching my way toward it . Suddenly , it moved ! I jumped backwards . When it was on the ground again , I jumped at it , expecting it to leap away . It just stayed there . I slowly crept up until I was nose to nose with it . It smelled funny , so I jumped back again . Mom started laughing , telling me that they burned trash yesterday and that was a burned piece of paper . I didn 't understand ANY of those words , but mom finally got me to go on with our walk . After we looked at the garden and then walked around the shop , I remembered the black thing in the yard . I pulled hard on the leash until mom said , " No pull ! " I stopped and she gave me a cookie , saying , " Good Girl ! " I LOVE it when she says that ! I 'm trying to train her to give me a cookie each time I pee outside , sometimes going three or four times . on one walk . She used to fall for it , but now only gives me a cookie for the first time . : 0 ( We started walking again and I started creeping up on the black thing again . This time I threw caution to the wind . I HAD to taste it . I bit down , but it tasted awful ! Yuck ! I spit it out , shaking my head . I don 't know what that was , but I won 't eat it again . June 6 , 2017 · 4 : 05 pm A Fish Called , " Boo . " I lost Sally , my bright yellow goldfish , the day before yesterday . I had her in a small goldfish bowl and we had added a pump to provide more than enough oxygen . Suddenly , after months and months , the pump failed . I immediately ordered a couple , and they were delivered today , in record time , but it wasn 't quick enough to save Sally . : 0 ( Today we were in Fort Smith , so I bought another fish . This one is black with googly eyes . I looked him up and he is a black variant of a telescope goldfish that has a characteristic pair of protruding eyes . This fish is commonly known as a black moor . I found this great picture on the net so that you can see what he actually looks like . It 's like a cartoony version of a fish , and I love it . I 've named him , " Boo . " Happily , our two cats , Molly , and our new puppy , Amber , won 't have to accept him , and he won 't be freaked out by them , either . It 's basically just the two of us , enjoying each other . Now she SEEMS to be learning that when she 's ' inside ' on the back porch , she shouldn 't make a mess . She hasn 't made a mistake in over two weeks now ! We take her ' outside ' 6 to 8 times a day - sometimes for a ' hurry up ' walk where we take care of business and go back ' inside , ' and several times a day much longer walks , where we explore , sniff , see interesting stuff , interact with other family members , find interesting sticks to chew on , or take a dip in the kiddie pool . Now we 're bringing her ' inside ' the house a couple of times a day . Sometimes it 's only Amber and her people . Other times she sees Molly , our 12 - year - old cocker spaniel / schnauzer cross , who barely manages to stay in the room with her , since Amber is so busy jumping into her face , wanting to lick her and play . Sometimes our two cats are ' inside . ' Abby , the older cat , tries to disappear , hissing . Smoke taunts Amber . They get nose to nose , Amber 's tail wagging madly . Then Smoke calmly whaps Amber in the face . And she looks so innocent ! Such a happy , playful pup . We only walked her six times today , so you can understand her frustration at being neglected … We just got back from taking Amber to the vet for another set of puppy shots . She 's 3 months old today . When we brought her home to be a part of our family two weeks ago , she weighed 18 lbs . Today she weighs 25 . 8 lbs . - a growing girl ! She was a good girl at the vet 's . She tried to play with two doggies that were on their way out while we were waiting . She licked the hand of our vet and smiled at him . He smiled right back . He pronounced her very healthy and set us up for the last set of puppy shots , plus a rabies shot , in three weeks . Then we 're free until we take her to be spayed in August . I can only wonder what she 'll weigh by then … May 29 , 2017 · 10 : 18 am Ahhhh - a Bit of Quiet … . Amber has been on 3 walks this morning so far , has inhaled a heaping cup of puppy food , jumped into her kiddie pool , visited her ' dad ' and Molly in the office , played with ' mom ' and is finally sleeping . Ahhhhh - a bit of quiet . Last night we had a good friend over to share a cookout with us and meet Amber . Amber was amazingly good for a crazy , hyper - enthusiastic puppy . Our friend wore sandals and Amber wanted to lick her toes . Both laughed . We also have a good friend coming over this evening for a cookout . I 'll at LEAST need to get rid of the piles of stuff around my chair . It would be NICE of me to arrange that she can put a glass down beside her on the couch , plus HAVE a clear place to sit down , as well , wouldn 't it ! I can see that my home would be in much better shape if we had more new puppies and more guests ! The good thing about going through the piles is discovering things I had misplaced or thought lost . It 's like a treasure hunt ! The bad thing is that I tend to get distracted by the things I find , wanting to do something with them … May 27 , 2017 · 9 : 24 am Amber Might be a Weather Girl ! Today we have had Amber for two weeks . This two - week period has changed all of our lives for the better - although it will be good when she settles in more . She seems particularly hyper today . My husband remarked on it , too . He took her out for her early morning take - care - of - things outing and then fed her . Amazingly , she sat down when she saw my husband was filling her food bowl ! After breakfast , I took her for a longer walk . We saw Smoke , the cat , and met a turtle for the first time . Amber looked at it , crept up to it slowly , then jumped backwards , barking . ( I told her I would protect her . : 0 ) ) I just came in from walking her again . We brought her into the office with us , putting up a gate across the doorway . She found Molly , who was trying to take a nap . Molly wasn 't happy with the situation , but she bore it with reasonable grace . Amber tried to play with her again and again . We grabbed Amber 's harness so that the contact was mainly face to face , rather than Amber trying to jump all over Sweet Molly . Amber played with her tug o ' war toy a few times , but seemed distracted . I have a large , heavy , solid glass paperweight shaped like an apple . I put it on the carpet and Amber loved it . There is no way she can hurt it , and on the carpet , it can 't hurt her . Our weather forecast is for strong storms with rain , wind , hail , chance of tornadoes , and flying hair balls today . She doesn 't seem scared , and she has been through a couple of hard rains while on the porch in the past two weeks . Maybe I 'm wrongly conflating her hyperactivity ( even for an active puppy ) with the unsettled weather wrongly , but I think we may have adopted a weather girl ! May 26 , 2017 · 10 : 04 am Tales of Amber Amber at 11 weeks of age is a study in motion . Saying she is an ' active puppy ' just doesn 't describe it adequately . If you take your eye off her for a second , she has found something else that is fascinating - and , like a baby - she puts it into her mouth to get the sense of it . We 're bringing her into the house with us several times a day to teach her house manners . These photos are taken in our office . The dog gate my husband made years ago is up so that she can 't get out - yet . She can 't get under it , but I think she can get over it if she figures it out . So far , she doesn 't know , and that 's a lifesaver for us . : 0 ) Tomorrow she will have been with us for 2 weeks , and what a two weeks it has been ! She is actually sitting for a split second while we put her food bowl down . We say , " Okay " very quickly and declare victory for now . She is much better on the leash and now goes up and down stairs pretty well . She is sleeping in her crate at night with no problems , chooses to sleep in it for naps , and usually manages not to chew her crate blanket TOO much . She is learning the perimeter of the ' civilized ' part of our yard . She associates the shop with my husband and dog biscuits , trying to drag me there on every walk . She is nipping less , reacting to " NO ! " and the clapping of our hands . ( Sometimes it seems that 's ALL we say . When we see this , we change the location or the activity or both . ) Our biggest problem at this point is Molly , our cocker spaniel / schnauzer cross . She misses Bambi and the quiet life she had BA ( before Amber ) . She really doesn 't like the way Amber dives into her face , wanting to play . She is 12 and , though she was the playful one when we had Bambi , she has misplaced her " play " button for awhile . We concentrate on getting them together in a monitored situation and giving Molly lots of love , special perks , and attention . This is the way I 'm feeling this morning . I slept fine , but our new regimen of getting up at 7 : 30 to take the new puppy out is taking some getting used to , since we stay up until about midnight . My husband is covered up with a throw , a towel over his eyes , snorking in his recliner , trying to rest now . We 're making good progress with Amber , but she IS quite a handful . It 's basically non - stop all day until we put Amber in her crate for the night . My husband , who is now cleared for any and all activity from his cataract surgeries , is helping a LOT . We take her on walks 6 or 8 times per day , go out on the porch to play with her , go out to sit with her and hug her , feed her , clean up the porch … . One thing that has REALLLLLLY helped us is the Carlson Pet Gate With People Door from Chewy . com that our friend Cathy suggested . ( I think of you , Cathy , with gratitude , 80 times a day when I can simply open the gate and go onto or off the porch , not having to scramble over the other gate we had , worrying about losing my balance and falling . ) Amber was already able to climb the gate and get over and would suddenly show up in the kitchen . If we put the gate up higher , she could slither under it , and it was all I could do to get over it . We were thinking of modifications to it , but now we don 't have to ! Amber is modifying her behavior for the better daily . She is a very active , exuberantly happy puppy who makes the Energizer Bunny look like a slug . Even with my husband and I trading off on ' Amber Duty , ' we are pretty exhausted in this good cause . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
He was totally supporting his rescue victim with his left arm , which he had thrown across the man 's upper chest . He had his left hand holding firmly to the victims right underarm so that his head was safely out of the water . The victim of the late night accident had been extremely lucky on two counts . Not only had he not been injured when his car had rolled over the small embankment into the lake , but there had been a sizeable air pocket in the back of the totally submerged car that had kept him from drowning . Unfortunately for Johnny , the man was also a non - swimmer , which meant Johnny was at this moment , doing all of the swimming for both of them . When it had become apparent that the victim was scared , but unharmed ; Roy swam on ahead back to the shore to get their equipment out and some blankets ready for all three of them . Johnny was about fifteen feet from shore and Chet 's outstretched hands when he felt the victim begin to tense up . He immediately sensed the impending danger , and tried valiantly swing his weight so that he could switch his grip to the back of the man 's shirt collar . If he had had just a moment longer to act , he might have succeeded , but his victim was a fairly heavy man and Johnny himself was becoming cold and numb . So when the victim suddenly panicked and began to thrash , swinging his arms wildly about , Johnny was in no position to protect either of them . The man 's right arm connected with Johnny 's left ear , and both men went down underneath the cold dark water . Johnny felt someone ; he assumed it was Chet ; grasp him by the back of his shirt collar , and haul him the rest of the way into shore … he was still holding on to the flailing victim , dragging him along for the ride . When they arrived on shore , Roy took the victim from Johnny 's grasp . Johnny lay on the bank for a minute , coughing and gasping for air before he finally made it up to his feet and staggered up the bank , nodding his thanks to Chet as he passed . Roy shook his head warningly , " Don 't try and help out the others until I check you out . I want you to just go sit on the running board of the squad … I 'll get to you next . " Once again , Johnny nodded his head in the affirmative and complied with Roy 's orders … coughing and hacking all the way . Just great … he thought to himself . He had been plagued with a mildly sore throat all day , and he was sure this wasn 't going to help matters out . There was no way he wanted to get sick now . It was the fifth of December and this year he was hosting his first real Christmas at his new ranch . Johnny looked over as Roy escorted their blanket wrapped and oxygen clad patient into the back of the ambulance . Roy had taken off his own wet shirt and replaced it with his turnout coat . That didn 't sound like a half bad idea to Johnny , and he stood up to do the same . It was almost four in the morning , and Johnny was sitting beside Roy on a gurney in treatment room one , while Chet sat on a stool close by . They were all dressed in hospital scrubs , but Johnny was still shivering . Back at the scene of the rescue , Cap had come over to his wet crew members , which now included Chet . He had ordered them all into Rampart to be checked over . Rampart had told Roy to put Johnny on some oxygen for his lingering cough , which meant he was riding in back of the ambulance along with their victim . Roy had also joined them and as usual he was hovering close by . Chet was driving the squad in since he had been ordered to get checked out himself . Johnny sat in the back of the ambulance and looked over at their victim , who was lying on the stretcher , swathed in warm blankets , and sleeping peacefully . Once they had him out it was obvious he was slightly inebriated . He was no longer shivering … in fact after the first initial sputtering ; he hadn 't been bothered by any coughing at all … that figures . The doctor , who was seeing them right now , was Dr . Patrick Hanson . Roy and Johnny had never had any direct dealings with him , because he usually worked on the burn unit , but he was filling in tonight down in the ER . Both Johnny and Roy found the man to be personable , and he seemed to have a good rapport with the patients . The doctor had said that he suspected Johnny was in the early stages of a case of tonsillitis , but in order to determine if the inflammation was caused by a virus or bacteria , they would need a throat swab . Since the results for a swab , took longer to come back , Dr . Hanson had performed a rapid smear test which gleaned results right away . So here the three of them sat waiting for the verdict . It was another ten minutes before Dr . Hanson came back into the room . Johnny and Roy both suspected that it was indeed bacterial , as Johnny 's tonsils were what Dr . Brackett had called chronic . He had already had at least four mild to moderate bouts of tonsillitis in the last year . But Johnny hated hospitals when you had to be there as a patient , and since he 'd never been too sick with his tonsils as of yet , he saw no reason to willingly go under the knife . Besides , he couldn 't take time off right now . He had been working as much overtime lately as he could . He was trying to save up for a very expensive saddle to use when training his horses ; on top of that he had spent more on Christmas this year . This was the first year he was having his family to his place for Christmas and he had wanted to get them something extra special in the way of gifts . Then there had been all the new Christmas decorations he 'd had to go out and purchase ; not to mention the large amount of food he had stocked up in his freezer back at his ranch . All of that had cost money and it had put a big dent in his ' mad money ' savings account . He had been hoping to snatch another shift of OT later in the week , but headquarters limited how thin they were allowed to spread themselves , and Johnny was already at his limit . He wouldn 't be able to pull any more overtime for at least two more weeks . So he didn 't want to lose any of his regular shifts … He just had to have that saddle . " Well , it 's bacterial , but it 's in the early stages . I 'm going to start you an oral antibiotic so we can knock it back quickly . I 'm told your shift is over in a couple of hours anyway , and that after that , you have the next two days off , so I 'm going to go ahead and pull you off duty now . " " I want you to go home and rest . Make sure you stay hydrated , and take Tylenol for the fever . Make sure you stay on these antibiotics for a week . " " As long as you 're feeling okay and your fever is down , I don 't see any problem with you working your next regular shift in 3 days . If your symptoms are still present or they get worse , then I want you to come back in and see Dr . Brackett . " " I have contacted your headquarters and I have officially stood the squad down until your next shift arrives to take over in … " he looked at his watch … " three hours . " Dr . Hanson gave Johnny his first dose of antibiotic in the treatment room and handed him a prescription for the rest . After shaking their hands , he turned and left the room . Since the hospital pharmacy was closed at this hour , the three men headed back out to the emergency parking lot . " Hey Junior ; it 's a long drive out to the ranch , and you 'll only have to turn around and come back in to get your meds . You might as well come and crash in your room at my place . Then Jo can fix us a nice big hot breakfast when we wake up , and you can go pick up your pills before you head home . " Johnny looked over and grinned and winked at Chet . " Of course there 's absolutely no ulterior motive involved in your little plan is there Roy ? " Johnny smiled back at Roy warmly . " Thanks pally … I don 't mind if I do . " Johnny was just relieved that other than losing three hours off of this shift , he wouldn 't have to go out on sick leave . " I 'll go pick these up for Johnny on my way home from dropping off those wet uniforms at the cleaners . If there 's time before Jenny gets home from kindergarten , I 'll make up a batch of homemade chicken soup for Johnny to take with him before he heads home . If not , he 'll just have to stay for lunch until it 's finished . " In the end it was almost two in the afternoon before Johnny made it home . When he had woken up his fever was up to 100 . 6 and his voice was barely a croak . Joanne and Roy made him hang around until they were sure that the Tylenol was going to be effective at bringing his temperature down . They had tried to convince him to stay for another day , but Johnny had refused . He still had some decorating for Christmas that he wanted to do inside , and he figured as long as he took it easy and made sure he napped , all would be fine . The plan was for them all to head out on the tenth to a Christmas tree farm and cut down their own tree . Johnny already knew he wanted a nice ten foot Fraser fir . They had always been his favourite . Bob 's small hobby farm didn 't have the lush pasture lands that Johnny 's did , so it was an arrangement that worked out to both of their advantages . He had called earlier in the evening to see if Johnny was going to need his services to look after the horses that evening . Johnny hadn 't seen his " babies " in a couple of days and he wanted a chance to spend time with them so he had told Bob he wouldn 't be needed that night or the next day . He made himself a cup of lemon tea in the hopes of soothing his sore throat and he went up to bed . It was only eight thirty , but he figured he could spend the evening in bed reading , or going over his Christmas list one more time . He had been going over the Christmas dinner menu for days . He was so excited about the upcoming holiday , and he wanted to make sure it turned out to be absolutely perfect . Johnny hadn 't been aware that he had fallen asleep while reading , until he woke up just after seven thirty the next morning , with his book open on the bed beside him , the light on , and a cold cup of tea sitting on the nightstand . " Roy ? " Roy was instantly on the alert … Johnny sounded horrible . His illness had obviously gotten a lot worse overnight . " I think I may need to go see Brackett and get something a bit stronger for my tonsillitis … " he heard Johnny croak out over the phone . Doctor Brackett was ready and waiting for Johnny and Roy 's arrival in treatment room three . He had been thankful that Roy had called him and briefed him on the situation . It had given him a chance to pull Dr . Hanson 's notes and go over them before his patient arrived . " I am almost positive Johnny 's got a PTA Dix … I 'm going to do a closer examination , but I think you 'd better go ahead and get him a room and start the paperwork on his admittance forms . I 'm guessing he 'll be here for a week . " Back in the examination room , Johnny was feeling miserable . He was feverish , his throat hurt , his glands and neck hurt , his ear pained , he had a headache , and on top of everything else he was starting to feel nauseas . Laying back he didn 't say anything as Doctor Brackett looked him over . Not that he could have said anything anyway … not only did it hurt too much to talk , he spent most of the examination with his mouth open saying ahhhh , or with a thermometer jammed under his tongue . Doctor Brackett got the message in one , and began to clarify his diagnosis . You have what is known as , a peritonsillar abscess , or a PTA for short . It 's a complication from tonsillitis . " Brackett pulled up a stool and sat down between the two men . " Well first we get you admitted , and then we decide on our course of action . We 'll start you on some stronger antibiotics . With a PTA we administer the antibiotics through and I . V . We also have to treat it with one of three types of surgical procedures . " " Here Johnny , write it down and give your throat a rest . " Johnny took the pen and paper and wrote for several minutes . When he finished he handed the note back to the doctor . " In a nut shell … yes . It 's just a matter of , is it better to let you heal first before we do it , or just go ahead and do it now ? But either way they gotta come out Johnny . As for when to do it , it 's kind of six of one , half a dozen of the other . Whichever option you choose is fine by me . " Johnny reached for the pen and paper . Kel handed it back and Johnny began to write once more . When he was finished he turned the pad around for both men to read . What is the recovery time … ? If I have the tonsillectomy done now , will I be all better by Christmas ? I have to be healthy and on my feet again before Christmas ! Kel nodded his head . " We 'll get you started on the I . V . antibiotics and let them get into your system for twenty four hours . Then tomorrow afternoon we would do the surgery . After that , you would be here for probably another five days … so just about a week in total . " " After that you 'll be released to go home . Since your throat will be sore for a while you 'll be sent home with some mild painkillers as well as some oral antibiotics . You will need to stay home , take things easy and rest for another ten days once you 're released from here . " " Knowing your penchant for complications , I think the extra few days of down time won 't hurt you in the least … But that means you stay out of that barn and away from those horses until at least the twentieth . I want you lying around in bed or on your couch until the then . " " I want you to understand that we need to err on the side of caution with recovery time because of your profession . Firefighters obviously have a much higher risk of smoke exposure . The last thing we want is for you to have your throat irritated by smoke too soon after any throat surgery … no matter how minor the procedure seems . " Well , if that 's the case , I think I 'd rather just get it over with as soon as possible , so it doesn 't screw up my Christmas plans any more than it already has . Besides this way I only have to be out on sick leave once … I say go ahead and just yank them out tomorrow Doc . Kel smiled and patted his leg . " I believe that you 're making the right choice Johnny , but I think I can be a bit gentler than just yanking them out . " Just then Dixie stuck her head in the door of the treatment room . She pushed herself the rest of the way in bringing with her a wheelchair . " There 's a bed up in room 417 with your name on it Mr . Gage . " she teased . " You get some rest Johnny … Dixie here tells me she 's going to be personally going up to your room in a minute or so to get your I . V . going … I 'll be up to check on you later on . Now you just rest … you 'll be feeling better as soon as we get rid of those tonsils . " This sucks Roy … everything is falling apart on me … all I wanted was to have the best Christmas ever and now look what 's happened … Maybe that kind of thing just isn 't meant to happen for me . No matter how hard I try , things just never seem to work out the way I want them to . Roy groaned inwardly . Getting depressed was the last thing Johnny needed to be doing . He didn 't need anything to hinder his recovery from this PTA and the resulting surgery afterwards … complications found him easily enough as it was . He looked down at the unhappy and ill man in the bed before him … case in point he thought ruefully . " Well , it 's not the outcome we hoped for yesterday , but we 'll get you fixed up and on your feet again in no time . " Johnny looked up at Roy in dismay . He wrote on the pad for a minute and then handed him the notepad . We were supposed to go to the tree farm in three days to cut down the tree … It doesn 't look like that 's going to happen now … damn it ! Tell the kids I 'm really sorry . If you want to just do Christmas at your place now , I 'll understand . Roy read the paper and shook his head vehemently . " No way Junior ; you heard what Brackett said , you 'll be home in a week . The kids and I will go out the day before you come home and pick out the tree you wanted and bring it back to your place . " " Then when you come home , you can lie on the sofa and we 'll all decorate it together as a family . Nothing is ruined … it 's just delayed a week . It might not be exactly how you planned , but it will be close . I promise you Junior , this Christmas is going to be awesome … I promise . " Johnny looked up at Roy and gave a small smile and the thumbs up sign . Okay boys , here 's the deal . I 'm going to get this I . V . going and the meds on board , and then you two can have fifteen minutes to chat , and that 's it . After that I expect Mr . DeSoto to go home , and you Mr . Gage to go to sleep . Got it ? " He had made a remarkable recovery and he was now fever and infection free … and except for a lingering soreness at the surgical site and a gravelly voice , he appeared to be fine . But his spirits were definitely low . His disappointment at missing out on going with the DeSoto clan to pick out the Christmas tree showed on his face … he had had such grand plans to make this the perfect Christmas . But once again it seemed as if fate had conspired against him . It had been a week to the day since his admittance into Rampart and Johnny was sitting up in the chair beside his bed in room 417 , dressed in his robe and slippers just waiting for Roy to show up and take him home . Dr . Brackett had just left , after giving Johnny the obligatory and traditional list of do 's and don ' ts for the next ten days , as well as an appointment for a follow up on the twentieth of the month . Then with a smile and some well wishes he took out his pen and the release forms . He laid the papers on the tray table and signed them with an exaggerated flourish and handed Johnny his copy . Dixie walked at a more leisurely pace as she pushed Johnny out through the automatic doors and into the sunshine . Johnny sat back and let the sun warm his face . It was a pleasant day in the mid - sixties , and Johnny thought it felt so good just to be able to feel the fresh air and gentle breeze on his face after a week of being cooped up in Rampart , where the only smells were sterile and antiseptic , and the general pall of illness hung dismally in the air . It was only a matter of a couple minutes before Roy drove up in the Porsche and stopped at the curb in front of the main entrance . He jumped out and made his way around to open up the passenger door as Dixie wheeled Johnny up closer to the car . " Guys … I wasn 't at deaths door you know , and it 's not like I have any broken bones here . You don 't need to make all this fuss . I 'm healthy enough to walk out to the car . " Dixie put her hands on her hips and looked over at him sternly . Johnny was well liked and personable , and it always amazed Roy to see that he seemed to know everyone at Rampart ; from the doctors and nurses , right on down to the orderlies and the maintenance and cleaning crews . And he knew them on a first name basis . Not only that , he always seemed to know about their personal lives as well . He and Johnny would be walking down the halls of Rampart , when Johnny would suddenly stop and ask the janitor how his mother 's cataract surgery had gone ; or some orderly if his dog had had its puppies yet ? Roy had no idea when or where Johnny had found the time to get to know these people … but he obviously had . And what 's more whenever these people met him the hallway , they would always greet Johnny as if he were an old friend . But right now , with Johnny 's throat still tender and sore from his surgery , it was up to Roy to take on the role of conversationalist . It wasn 't his forte , but he made a valiant effort at keeping his young partner distracted with a fairly reasonable amount of success while they made the trip home … or at least that 's where he wanted Johnny to think they were headed . Roy was searching around for something new to talk about when he happened to glance over and see that Johnny 's head was leaning against the passenger window and his eyes were slowly drifting closed . He smiled softly to himself and silently turned his attention back to the road in front of him … this was perfect he thought . He could complete the drive , and Johnny would be none the wiser about where they were headed until they arrived at their destination and it was time to wake his younger partner up . As things came into focus , his mouth dropped open in surprise . There standing outside of Roy 's Porsche was Joanne , Chris and Jenny standing next to the DeSoto 's station wagon . But what was even more shocking than seeing Joanne and the kids , was the fact that wherever they were , it certainly wasn 't his ranch . He looked up at the sign that was about ten feet to the right of Joanne and read the writing … Bennington 's Christmas Tree Farm . . Select your own tree and cut it fresh yourself . We have a wide variety of trees to choose from , including Spruce , Pine and Fir . " Uh … Roy . What 's going on ? Why aren 't we at the ranch … and why aren 't the kids in school ? " Roy looked over looking like the proverbial cat that ate the canary and said … " Surprise ! " " Nope … we cleared it with Brackett yesterday . He says as long as we don 't take too long , and we don 't let you do any of the physical labour , it 's okay … But he also made us promise to make sure that when you got home you wouldn 't do anything more strenuous than lay on the couch and rest for the rest of the day . " The huge mega - watt smile returned to Johnny 's face once more … " Well alright ! " he exclaimed happily . Johnny quickly made his way over to Chris and Jenny and took each of them by the hand and started prowling up and down the rows of trees , while Roy and Joanne talked to the owner of the farm , and collected a tree saw . Roy had to admit , it was a beautiful tree . It was exactly what Johnny had said he wanted . It was a Fraser Fir that stood just over ten feet tall . It was going to look amazing in Johnny 's great room which boasted a 12 foot ceiling , a huge stone fireplace and a beautiful hardwood floor that Johnny had refinished himself . After lunch they sat in the great room going through the boxes of ornaments Johnny had bought . Johnny was more than content to sit back on the sofa with Roy , sipping his coffee while Joanne , Chris and Jenny fussed over where to place the tree ornaments . The afternoon passed by quickly , and before they knew it , it was supper time . They sat around eating hot roast beef sandwiches made from the lunch leftovers . Johnny felt a feeling of loneliness pass over him at the thought that the happy gathering would soon break up . " Oh yeah , " Roy informed him . " I guess I forgot to mention that were here for the weekend … I hope that 's okay with you . " " Nope … Dave Peterson from 18 's daughter was having her first birthday party yesterday . When word got around that he was looking for someone to switch shifts with him so he could be there for it , I volunteered . That 's why I wasn 't at Rampart until after ten this morning … I didn 't get home from Station 18 until nine . So Dave is working my shift at 51 's with Clifford tomorrow in return . So I 'm not back on duty now until Tuesday . " Johnny looked around at the gaily decorated tree and thought about how much trouble this family gone to surprise him and he felt himself start to tear up … He swiped at his eyes as he looked over at Roy … " Thanks Roy . " He whispered his hoarse voice heavy with emotion . " My folks were killed just three weeks after my tenth birthday … Anyway , one of my most vivid memories of Christmas with my parents is of the last year they were alive . I can still remember it as if it were yesterday . " " I can still picture how the sky looked that night . The stars looked so close that I swore that if I reached my hand out I could have touched them , and off in the north you could see a few flashes of the northern lights . There 's just something about a cold frosty winters night that makes the stars seem so sharp and clear and close . " " I used to love being out in the night in the winter when dad was alive … even if it was cold . Especially great , were the nights when I was allowed to join in a game of shinny with dad and the ranch hands . Being a half breed I wasn 't welcome on the outdoor rink that was in the community center on the rez . And it was just as bad at the arena in the local town off the rez . I was too white for the rez kids , and I was too red for the townies . " " Some of the ranch hands had put on the dress harnesses on the horses … the ones with the bells on them . So off into the night the three of us went singing Christmas songs and laughing … Our cheeks were red , our noses were freezing , and the sleigh bells were ringing out across the night air , … it was so much fun … I remember how much in love my mom and dad looked … we were all so happy back then . " " The tree dad found was a Fraser fir , and it was almost as tall as the one we got today . I can still remember the smell of its needles as it lay across my feet on the sled all the way back to the barn . When we got back to the ranch , Dad put the tree on the back of the truck and drove us back home . He left it out in the back woodshed overnight to melt the snow off of it . " " I got my first and only pair of brand new store bought skates that Christmas … You know , now that I think about it , I haven 't been skating since they died . I haven 't had a dog since then either … I like dogs . " Not to mention that he knew that all of them , Chris and Jenny included , would look back on this day with fondness for the rest of their lives . It had been a fun day for everyone . As a matter of fact , he had already decided that Johnny had started a new tradition . There would be no more trees bought from a lot for the DeSoto 's . From now on they would make a day of it , and go cut their own . " It had only been three months since my folks had died , and I was still reeling . I had been thrust into the care of my grandparents , and my life was a living hell . I tried so hard that first year , to figure out what it was I was doing wrong that had made them hate me so much . " " I had experienced malice before , but never on that level . I remember it was late one night in early December , and I gone to bed hours earlier , and my grandfather had come home pie eyed drunk . When he came into the house , I guess he looked over and seen me sleeping on the pallet in the corner of woodshed … and he went berserk . " " That was the first time he put me in the clinic … he had broken two of my ribs . It was while I was in the clinic that I saw one of those old Lionel trains sets . One of the nurses had put up one of those imitation trees in the common room , and they had the train set up and it was running around the base of the tree . " " I made up my mind right then and there that I was going to write and ask Santa for a train set that Christmas . I figured I would hide it in the barn and play with it when no one was looking . In all the sadness and hell that my life had become , getting that train set from Santa became my lifeline to hold onto that first Christmas without my mom and dad . " " Well , that 's all behind you for good sweetheart . You have a whole new family now , and this year , we 're going to have the best Christmas ever . You just wait and see . " " Okay Junior … it 's been a long day , and you 're recovering from surgery … and I did promise Brackett to make sure you took it easy . I think it 's time you headed on up to bed . Jo and I will lock up down here . " The week flew by in a flash , or so it seemed to Johnny . He had been very careful to follow Dr . Brackett 's instructions to the letter regarding his health . He wanted to make absolutely sure nothing else happened to throw a monkey wrench into his Christmas plans . The next two days were going to be Roy 's last days off before the holidays , and he had made it clear to everybody that he was going to be spending the time completely alone to do his own Christmas shopping . Roy also wanted to get to the post office in time to mail his mother 's Christmas gift to her by express post . He wanted to send her an extra special gift this year . She had moved to Georgia the previous spring and she wasn 't going to be able to fly back to California to visit until May , so she would be all alone for the holidays this year . Roy had offered to buy her a ticket so she could spend the holidays with them , but she had refused his offer . The next morning it was Johnny 's turn to spend the day at the DeSoto 's . He and Roy packed the DeSoto station wagon full of the presents that Joanne had wrapped up . They were going to take them out to the ranch after lunch and put them under Johnny 's tree . As soon as the children were gone , Johnny and Roy loaded up all of the gifts from Santa that Roy and Jo had hidden in their garage , into the back of the Rover . Johnny made sure he had them completely covered beneath a tarp . Johnny would take them out to the ranch and hide them in his tack room until after the kids had gone to bed on Christmas Eve . He was about to call out , when he heard Johnny 's voice . He was out in his kitchen talking to someone , but Roy couldn 't hear the other voice clearly enough to distinguish who it was . The only thing he knew for sure was that it was a woman . " Mom ! When did you get here ? How did you get here ? I thought you couldn 't afford to fly out until May ? " a very shocked Roy asked . " Well , this young man here , sent me a round trip ticket to Los Angeles , and told me he would meet me at the airport on the twenty third , and that I had better come prepared to stay for at least a week . He also said he wasn 't going to take no for an answer . . . So here I am . " " Nope , I got it here partner . Bellingham 's brother Pete works down at the post office . Joanne phoned me when you left your house for the post office , and I phoned Pete . " " I had Bellingham show Pete a picture of you and Pete just made sure that it was him who waited on you . Pete just pretended to mail your package . But as soon as you were gone , he phoned me up , and I had Joanne sneak back to the post office and retrieve it . It 's sitting under the tree as we speak . " Christmas Eve at Johnny 's had been everything he had hoped it would be . They sat around and ate the Christmas goodies he and Joanne had baked . They played games and even spent some time singing Christmas carols … albeit somewhat off key . " My mom used to read that to dad and I every Christmas Eve before I went up to bed … It 's been a tradition I have always tried to keep up ever since … or at least since I was sixteen anyway . " He said giving Roy and Joanne a knowing look . " Anyway , I just wanted to thank you all for sharing it with me this year . " The rest of the adults stood up and after exchanging hugs and wishing each other a Merry Christmas . They all slowly made their way up to bed . Roy and Joanne had one of the guest rooms ; while Harriet and Jenny were sharing the other one . Chris was bunking out with Johnny for the night . Johnny had set the coffee maker to come on at six thirty , so they entire group sleepily made their way into the great room . When he got there Johnny stopped dead in his tracks … All of the gifts from under the tree had been sorted and set into piles . Each pile had one of their names on it . And under the tree , where the presents had been when he had gone to bed , Johnny saw a Lionel train set running around the base of the tree . Johnny just stood and stared at the note . And then he slowly walked over and sat down next to the train . For the next five minutes , the rest of the world vanished for Johnny as he sat and watched with rapt wonder as the train made its way around the tracks . In the gift department … Johnny had outdone himself . He had given Joanne a handmade , finely woven Native American shawl as well as a sterling silver and turquoise bracelet that was also Native in its design . " You will notice that each of your gifts is made from sterling silver and turquoise . Not only is turquoise the colour for December , but in my culture , turquoise symbolizes life … and that 's what you all have given me back . You have given me back life … at least a life that is full of love and meaning . And I just wanted to give you something to remind you every day how thankful I am that you 're part of my family , and how much that means to me . " When Johnny finished the room fell silent . Roy knew he couldn 't trust himself to speak just yet . He needed to get control of his emotions first . It was a good ten minutes before the adults in the room had regained enough of their composure to continue opening up the gifts . When they finally got themselves under control and had dried all their tears . Roy walked over to the tree and pulled out large parcel and set it in front of Johnny . The two men stood facing each other , their eyes met and locked on each other . Both sets of yes , burned with unshed tears . Joanne and Harriet watched in amazement as the two men had an entire conversation without speaking a single word . The true depth of the bond they shared was openly on display for all to behold . The obvious exchange of gratitude and love was blatantly obvious to everyone in the room . There had been many more gifts given that Christmas morning . There had been dollhouses , and roller skates , new clothes and books , wallets and Barbie 's and teas sets . There was a mechano set and Lincoln logs and many other tokens of love and affection that had been exchanged . In the end all four adults spent the next two hours preparing the meal in the kitchen , sipping coffee and sharing some congenial conversation , while the mixture of Christmas music and laughter filled the air . When everything was ready , they all sat around the table , while Roy stood up and offered the blessing . All too soon , eight o ' clock rolled around and Roy regretfully stood up and announced it was time to go . Both he and Johnny were working in the morning , and they couldn 't afford to stay up late . " Thank you young man , you made Christmas so special for my son and me . I like the changes I see in him since you came into this family … God Bless you John Gage . " " What 's with all of this Mrs . DeSoto nonsense ? Roy tells me that you 're a part of this family now , and I wholeheartedly agree . From now on you call me mom . " " It was a great Christmas Junior . Thanks for making it so special . Thank you for including mom . She would have been alone this year if you hadn 't got her to come . " Johnny shrugged . " I should be the one thanking you … I started out to make this a special day for you , so I could show you how much you guys mean to me . Somehow you turned the table on me , and I was the one who got all the blessings " Roy had said it was a Christmas angel who had told him … he thought about Roy 's proclamation that when you blessed others , you in turn received your own blessings . Suddenly it wasn 't important to him whether or not he knew how Roy had found out about the saddle . It really didn 't matter in the end . He had a home now … two of them in fact , and it was a warm and pleasant feeling . Every light in the house had been turned off , and the only light in the room was coming from the flames in the fireplace , and the soft glow of the Christmas tree lights . Johnny was just sitting there watching his train go around the base of the Christmas tree . It had been a wonderful Christmas , full of blessings for everyone . And the more he thought about it , the more he decided that he was more than willing to file the whole thing under the heading of Christmas miracle . After all isn 't that what Christmas was all about ? As he glanced around the room , his eyes lit upon the well - worn Bible that had once belonged to his Aunt Marian . He reached over to pick it up , so he could return it to the bookcase . As he was lifting the book up , it slipped out of his grasp and fell open onto floor in front of him . Johnny reached over to pick it up . But as his fingers touched the edge of the book , his eyes fell on the written passages that were directly in his line of vision . He started to read what was written on the open page that was in front of him . He reached inside his shirt and pulled out his necklace , and studied it for the millionth time in his life . He gently fingered each one of the beautiful carved miniatures on the bone . Johnny looked up at the angel that was sitting on the top of his tree , and then back down to the saddle that was sitting at his feet . For several moments his eyes darted back and forth , between the necklace , the angel , and the saddle . Send Stories | Fun Page | Guest Writer 's The Characters of Emergency do not belong to me . They are the property of Universal Studios and Mark VII Limited . No copyright infringement is intended or monetary gain made . I merely like to toy with them and return them to their proper owner in good working order . |
Advaita said " My father yearned for Power . " He fell on Shadow 's lap as tears started streaming from his eyes . She held him for some time as he finally got up recomposing himself . Shadow felt that he looked calmer and more focused now . " Me and the Shaka Chief had a very long conversation " said Advaita . " What happened between the two of you ? " she asked . Advaita finally decided to reveal what had happened in Shaka after he had knocked on the door of the Chief 's house the day , it was early morning , the very same day when Cully and shadow were planning to go find him . His Grandmother , Chief 's wife opened the door and they went inside . Grandfather didn 't want to talk to Advaita initially . When Advaita asked him why he had called his father a cheat , he came to know that Advaita didn 't know his father . Advaita told him Rob and Princess Agnes 's journey from Heaven to Bantu and all he knew was that Rob was Karma , his father . He opened the copper sheet and showed it to his grandfather . His Grandfather laughed and said " you have missed the most important part and she is not your mother . I will tell you the Karma we knew initially " . Valguka the Chief of Shaka finally started the story . " We Shaka people lived in the Zulu kingdom . My brother was the chief then . We were both young at that time . One day due to a devastating earthquake we lost almost everything . We wanted to move north towards the border of Heaven seeking a place to live again . But my brother wanted to go to the City of Zulu . When nobody was ready , he along with his friend abandoned us and left for Zulu the very night . The next day they made me the chief and we moved here with great difficulties and started our life from zero . I met my brother sometime later when I visited the City of Zulu a couple of times , I invited him to our new home , to come stay with us but he never came . Years passed and we became old . One day a man from Zulu came to talk to me , he informed me that my brother was sick and was on his deathbed . So your grandmother and I went to see him against the wishes of the tribe . By the time we reached he was already dead . We came to know he had a daughter Kiya . She was a young lady and all alone as her mother had passed away during her birth . Since we never had a child we took her as our own . We asked her to come with us and she readily agreed . We were not sure how to tell this to our tribe as everyone had hated my brother . So we decided to say we met her on the way back and helped her as she was an orphan . But when we were about to reach Shaka we met a guy . He introduced himself as Karma . He looked tired and exhausted . Your Grandmother suggested we take him too . Thus they came to Shaka as two orphans . I took Kiya as my daughter , that very day I named her Akira in front of the Shaka people . Later Karma and Akira fell in love and they were married . You were born and all was good in their life . But one fine day your mother fell sick . She told your grandmother Karma 's story and made her promise not to tell this to anyone before her death . " " I kept Karma 's secret for a very long time . You had grown up into a young boy . If you remember Advaita the day before your father was attacked , I was sick . I got scared nobody would know Karma 's truth and your grandfather had decided to make Karma his successor but he had not yet shared his views with anyone . So that night I told him what Akira had told me " Advaita was curious and nervous to know . He had not heard about Princess Agnes anywhere in the story so far , He wondered what happened to her . Grandmother finally stated what was told her the second time . Akira and Karma had a baby boy . Karma was very happy on becoming a father . Slowly Karma had started loving his wife and child . He confessed one night to Akira that he had not loved her initially but married her to become the chief of the tribe . But he was a changed man now and he deeply loved her and their son . Akira was shocked to hear that . He told her about his life before Shaka and that his actual name was Rob . He told her his story in the city . He explained her how lords humiliated and robbed them in every way possible . He wanted to assume power to change that . He said he was zero back then and somehow he had to reach a position where he was someone . He wanted everyone to pay for their harassment . So he had used Princess Agnes to do so . Karma told how he made Agnes fall in love with him and how they had run away . In Bantu they had exchanged the rings they had . Karma showed Akira , Princess Agnes 's ring which he had hidden all this long . As Rob and Agnes moved south from Bantu , Rob expressed his wish to go back to the city . Agnes said she did not want that life and all she wanted was to be with him . Rob who had hidden his real intentions so far , could not do this any longer . He was angry . He shouted at her , he said " How do you think we can live here . You are already hurt " . Agnes thought he was shouting because of love . She came near him and said " I am sure our love will find a way . " He pushed her away and said " Stop living in a fairy world . I do not love you . I used you so that I could get some status and power . " She fell on the ground feeling shocked and heartbroken . " We have nothing , zero now . I was a zero then , and after all my hard work I am back to zero " he said in anger and frustration turning away from her . She was still lying on the ground . From nowhere a beast had jumped on Princess Agnes . Rob was shocked but instead of helping her , he saved himself . He climbed a tree and watched as Princess Agnes shouted with pain and breathed her last . Rob had not felt any remorse that moment . He was so blind with hatred towards the rich that he had lost the human inside him . From there Rob had moved ahead with caution and came across the Shaka Chief and had introduced himself as Karma . When Akira heard the story she was in shock . Her husband who she thought was such a good person was actually a power hungry emotionless demon . She remained silent . Karma said " I have realised how wrong I was in the past few days . You and our son brought back the lost soul in me . I have been repenting for my mistakes . I am in love with you both ; I want us to be happy and nothing else anymore " . Akira nodded , but she was in shock . She came to know the two sides of her husband . Akira could not cope with the truth she heard from her husband . She suddenly started to feel ill and could not eat anything properly anymore . Her health deteriorated badly , she decided to tell her mother everything about her husband . Akira realised that her father won 't let Karma live if he came to know the truth and her love for Karma made her ask for a promise from her mother . " Now you know why I made people attack your father " said the chief . " I never told the story to anyone here ; all I said was that he was planning to take over as chief forcefully . And they attacked your father as I expected them to . But your father had a few supporters as well . It was like a war here when you ran away " he said . Advaita was in shock . He had never known his father was that kind of a person . There was complete silence in the house . Sourav from the tribe knocked the door but was sent back by the chief . " Don 't you think my father had changed after mother 's death ? " asked Advaita . " He had , my child , but he had to pay for his past life " said his grandfather . Advaita nodded . " He loved my mother . I had seen him cry a lot of times remembering her " Advaita said . Advaita who had worshipped his father and his teachings all his life was sad and distraught now . His grandmother noticed it . She came and hugged him . " You will always be my grandson " she said . They both cried . Advaita finally told them his journey after the run . " So , are lords still harassing the poor in the city ? " asked his grandfather when he finished his story . Advaita nodded . His Grandfather thought for a very long time . " Apart from us three nobody knows who your mother actually is . Give me your sheet " said the chief . He wrote something on it and put his seal . When Advaita saw this " This is wrong , Grandfather " he said . " You yourself said how lords are still behaving ; there should be some people who can change that . I am sure Cully your friend can help you as well with It . " replied Grandfather . " But I may need to face the court to prove this , King himself had said that " said Advaita . His grandfather asked his wife to get that ring " Your mother kept Princess Agnes ' ring and she had given it to your grandmother before her death " he said to Advaita . They both discussed on how the court session could go , finally as they were about to go out " Remember you need to start from zero again . Never lose youTHE END Advaita was standing in front of the mirror . He was wearing a pair of new clothes given by Shadow . He asked to himself " What do you yearn for ? " the first thing that came to his mind was mother 's love . Then he thought about his father . Advaita saw himself in the mirror again . He took his father 's Dagger and placed it in his bag . He wore the ring given by his grandmother , the Shaka Chief 's wife in his right little finger . He took the copper sheet which was drawn by Tip and kept in his bag . Cully came in , asking whether he was ready for the court . Advaita placed the bag on his shoulder as he said he was good to go . Shadow wished Advaita good luck as they left for the Palace . They had come back to Heaven a couple of days ago . General Thomas had informed King Aiden that Advaita had got the required proof to prove who his parents were . The day had finally come when he would be presenting the court with those proofs . He was yearning to prove himself in front of the very court where he had been nervous before . He was in front of the court now . King Aiden directly came to the matter at hand and asked Advaita to present his proof to the court . Advaita took out the painting and asked the King whether he knew who the two people who were present in the painting . King Aiden said " It 's my sister Agnes and my once best friend Rob . " Advaita thanked King Aiden for his confirmation . Then he turned the copper sheet and read what was written by the Shaka Chief and the Bantu Chief . Advaita had asked the Bantu chief to write on the sheet , what he knew about Rob and Princess Agnes once he was back from Shaka with Cully and Shadow . When he had finished reading there were a lot of murmurs . Many of the court officials agreed to the proof . But few were still dissatisfied . They were not happy with it . One of the ministers said " As far as we know anyone can write this , what is the proof that it was written by the Chiefs ? " Advaita replied " They have put their tribal seals along with the writing . " The sheet was investigated by a few ministers and they confirmed its authenticity . Another minister said " We hear you are close with all the tribes around . How do we know that they are not lying for you ? " Advaita smiled as he heard that . His Grandfather , the Shaka chief had expected it . He took out the dagger from the bag and lifted it with his left hand , showing it to the court . " This dagger belonged to my father . General Thomas , do you know this dagger ? " asked Advaita " Yes that was the dagger I had given to Rob , a long time ago " replied General Thomas . King Aiden asked for the dagger , looked at it and confirmed the General 's statement . King Aiden was sure now that Advaita was indeed his nephew . But he wanted all in his court to agree on that too and so remained silent . " So you are Rob 's son that does not make you the son of our beloved Princess Agnes " said one of the ministers and couple of others supported that . Only three ministers were against Advaita now . Advaita lifted his right hand with a smile . Everything had gone as his grandfather had stated . All looked puzzled . " Your Highness , this ring in my hand belonged to my mother . I am sure you know it . " Advaita moved towards the throne to show it to the king . As King Aiden checked the ring his eyes lit up , " It 's my sister 's " he said as he choked back the tears swelling his eyes . Advaita turned to face the ministers . The whole court was silent now . No one said a word . After a while King Aiden spoke " I believe he is my nephew , does anyone have any questions ? " The court remained silent . Finally a minister said he believed the king . The rest of the ministers followed suit . " Welcome to the family , Advaita " said the King . General Thomas and King Aiden had a discussion within themselves . General Thomas asked Advaita to follow him off the court as the court moved to next issue in hand . General Thomas said Advaita to return back to the house for now and King Aiden would talk to him in the coming days on what needed to be done . Advaita nodded as he had already planned to stay in the city . Advaita was back in the General 's house . He was in his thoughts when Shadow touched him on shoulder . Advaita smiled but she could see sadness in his face . She took him to her room and made him sit on her bed . She sat next to him and rested her head on his shoulders . She did not say anything but waited for him to talk . " What do you yearn for ? " He asked her . " For love and respect " she replied . He went silent again . She realised it was something to do with his father . " Did the chief of Shaka say anything about your father ? " she finally asked . He turned to look at her , she saw him . " You know what my father yearned for the most ? " he said . Advaita woke up early . He went straight to the Shaka Chief 's house . He stood in front of the door . He had to face them , he had to know what was unknown to him . As he stood there his thoughts moved back to the days when he had just started learning archery . Advaita had chosen archery over everything else at a very young age . His father had made him a wooden bow and given him some arrows . His father put an ' X ' mark on the nearby tree and made him stand a few meters away from it . " You see that cross mark I have created son " he said , Advaita nodded " You need to hit the middle of it , if you want be a great archer " his father said . Advaita learnt the basics from his father and tried to shoot his first arrow . As the arrow left the bow Advaita was excited . The arrow did hit a tree but not the tree where ' X ' was marked . Advaita was disappointed with himself . He tried a few more times and failed every single time . He was very disappointed . He said he did not want to learn this anymore . His father came to him and said " Son , everything in life won 't come to you easily . You need to practice . That mark is your target . To aim the arrow and make it reach that target should be your goal . You need to work hard Advaita " . Advaita had replied he would do his best and now he was one of the best . Now he had aimed to reach back to his grandfather and he was here now . He knocked the door . His grandmother opened the door . " Advaita ! " she said . She had recognized him right away . She asked him to come inside as she closed the door behind him . A Couple of Shaka people had seen the stranger from previous night go to chief 's house . It was almost midday and nobody had come out . They had heard some argument happening inside but could not make out what was happening . Finally Sourav a member of Shaka and successor to the Chief knocked the Chief 's door . Chief sent him back saying all was ok . Afterwards , sometime later Chief and Advaita came out . Both looked quite sad . All the people were curious to know what had happened . Chief said to everyone that he would address them later in the night and for now all should get back to their work . Advaita asked Chief " Grandfather are you sure , you don 't want to join me ? " Chief replied " This is home my child , I want to spend rest of my life here and not somewhere else . " Advaita respected his decision . He folded the copper sheet which he had taken along . Few recognized Advaita . Chief again controlled the situation as Advaita collected rest of his stuff and bid his final goodbyes to his grandparents . Chief 's wife , his Grandmother gave him some food for his journey . They wanted him to stay for one more night but Advaita suggested he would rather leave because of the tension that was created once due to his father . Advaita was in deep thoughts as he entered forest . He was not sure how he wanted to take his story forward . It was in his hands . Though he and his grandparents agreed on many things . He was not sure whether he should go by it . Finally he decided what his next target was . Then he decided to concentrate on his way back to Bantu tribe as he wanted to reach there before it was too late in the night . As he moved ahead , he could hear some suspicious movements . He moved with caution , a bow and arrow in hand , ready to shoot . Advaita was very good at being invisible in forest . He saw a couple of city soldiers which surprised him . Then he saw Shadow and Cully . They were walking the horses along with them as it was very difficult to ride in this thick forest . He was about to reveal himself when a beast jumped from nowhere to kill a horse . The other horses dispersed because of the attack . Advaita noticed the scar on the back of the beast , it was Fear . Cully covered his sister as he drove the sword . The two soldiers had fallen to the ground . Even they were getting ready to defend their General 's Children . The beast roared and grabbed the throat of horse with its jaws . The horse breathed its last . Advaita came out of his hiding . He shouted " Fear … " The Beast which had just choked the horse with its Jaws , looked towards Advaita . Others turned towards Advaita as well . Another female beast came beside Fear . Fear controlled it . Advaita slowly moved towards Fear . " Do you remember me Kid " He said as he came near it . It was a tense moment for everyone . Advaita moved his hands around its back as he used to . Fear acknowledged it as it closed its eyes . All put their swords back in their sheath . " Looks like you have got yourself a girl " Advaita said smiling . Everyone laughed . The female beast looked uncomfortably around them . It took the horse that was dead with its jaws and dragged it to the bushes . " You know this Beast ? " asked Cully . " We survived together for years in this forest , his name is Fear . " Advaita replied . " So this is Fear ! " said Shadow who knew about Advaita 's life in forest and continued " I have never seen a beast with white and black stripes . " " Even I was surprised when I had first seen him , they are usually in Yellow with black stripes " replied Advaita . Advaita asked them why they were here . Shadow said they had come looking for him . Cully said " I heard what happened in court , have you found any proof ? " he asked . Advaita took the copper sheet he had and gave it to Cully . " I Valguka , the chief of Shaka acknowledge that the painting of the people in this are indeed Parents of Advaita . They had come to me by the name Karma and Akira together long time ago . I pledge that whatever is written here is the truth . X ( Seal of Shaka Chief ) Cully read it out loud . He had a huge smile on his face when he finished it . Shadow noticed that Advaita was not very comfortable when he heard it . Advaita said " we should head back to Bantu now before the night falls . " He and Fear walked together like old times . Shadow had her doubts but she kept it to herself . She saw a calm Advaita who was walking along with a beast . Cully was very happy with the news . They almost reached the outskirts of Bantu . Fear stopped its walk . Advaita understood it had to go back . He gave it a last hug as tears rolled down his eyes . It ran back with a huge roar . " Hope we will meet again , my friend " said Advaita as they moved towards Bantu . Advaita had woken up early and was ready to leave Bantu . Chief had already left the house and he was about to go in search of the chief . Chief 's wife asked him to wait for some time as she would provide him some food to carry . Advaita said he would talk to chief and come back . Advaita saw that the chief was in discussion with a couple of people . He joined them and asked " Chief , is everything ok ? " Chief said " Oh Advaita it 's you . This is Biko and Keni . They have found a couple of location where the Spotted Hyenas which are killing our sheep and cattle can be found . We are planning to kill them today . " Advaita nodded . " Will you join and help us . Your marksmanship is the best we have ever seen . It would be of great help if you could join us " Chief asked . Advaita wanted to leave but Bantu people had always helped him . He agreed to help . " We will leave as the sun comes up a little . They will be less active then " Chief said . Advaita remembered the days when his father used to take him for hunting . They had waited for a long time . " Son , the more you wait greater is the prize " his father had said . Here the wait was for Truth . He felt he could wait for a day when he had waited for so many years . Biko touched his shoulders and said it 's time to go . Advaita took his bow and had around 15 arrows . There were 8 guys going for the kill including him . They said they were happy that Advaita had joined them . As they went inside the forest , Biko and Keni split into a team of 4 and decided to head for different locations . Advaita joined Biko 's team . Some even challenged that they would get more kills . As the four moved they went to a higher ground and Biko showed them the path where he and Keni felt those hyenas would rest . They moved ahead cautiously . As they came near the spot they started to hear the noises of Hyenas . Advaita said he would climb a tree to get a clear view to shoot . They agreed on that . As Advaita climbed he saw that it was a very small open area . There were about 10 hyenas . He went down and said he could see 10 of them . They said they will attack first and asked Advaita to shoot accordingly from top . Advaita asked for a few minutes to find a spot to shoot . After sometime the three charged towards the area with their swords . Hyenas who were resting were surprised by the sudden attack . Three Hyenas were immediately killed . Advaita shot 2 more which were trying to escape . One of the Hyena attacked Biko but he tackled and killed it with one slash . Remaining four had started running . Advaita could get only two more as the rest disappeared into the forest . Advaita came down as the others chased the remaining two . They got one and one hyena escaped . They came back to the tribe with their hunt . Keni and team were yet to come . Chief thanked Advaita for his assist . Advaita said he had to leave for Shaka as it was already midday . Chief 's wife gave him some food for travel and he left towards the south to get to Shaka . As he moved in the forest , he remembered the days when he was on the run . He wondered whether he could see Fear again . He came to the area near the cave where he had encountered the Beast , mother of Fear . The sun was setting in as he moved ahead . It was dark as he reached the outskirts of Shaka . Advaita could not wait any longer as he decided to go on . Only a few were outside their houses as many were already sleeping . Nobody recognized him , he felt relieved . Maybe the darkness was hiding his identity he wondered . Advaita requested to meet the chief to one of them . They enquired what the matter was . Advaita insisted that he would only talk to the Chief . They said the Chief was sleeping and he would have to wait until morning . They gave him a place to rest . The wedding ceremony was the talk of the town for the next few days . The Jester 's act after the wedding made people laugh for a long time . Overall the day was one of the best days the Kingdom ever had . The King and People of Benin had left after a few days and everything was getting back to normal in Heaven . Advaita learnt that wedding in Heaven or in any other Kingdom for that matter happened during the middle of the day when Sun shone at its brightest . It was a belief that Sun would be spreading its light all over the world , most at that moment and light in the newlywed 's life would stay on forever . He had found that belief interesting . Now that the days had passed . He wanted to talk to General Thomas about the truth of Rob . When he raised this matter with General Thomas , General said they would sit in the evening for the same . Advaita now was eagerly waiting for sun to set . " Rob was in love . Since he was very close to Prince Aiden he could met Princess Agnes . Rob started to impress her with his visions and thoughts . Slowly even Princess Agnes fell in love with him . Even Prince Aiden didn 't know about them . Rob and Agnes had started spending time in secret . They took our help to do so . When they were sure they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together , they decided to tell Aiden about it . Prince Aiden was initially not very happy but Princess Agnes talked to him . The views of Rob had always impressed him and he finally agreed to talk to King William on the same . On the Parallel Rob wanted to bring change in the kingdom . He wanted to remove the atrocity shown against the poor by rich lords . Poor girls were getting raped and killed . None of the poor supported him as they thought this would make things even worse . Meanwhile the love story of him and Princess Agnes reached the King 's ears before Prince Aiden could talk to him . King William ordered the soldiers to get him Rob . They had a discussion where King threatened him . Rob was not ready to listen to any of it . But he stayed silent as he knew he could get killed if he rebelled . The King gave him a final warning and let him go . Prince Aiden tried talking to the King but it went in vain . One day Princess Agnes wanted to meet Rob . When she tried to sneak out from the Palace to meet him , few soldiers saw her and informed the king . King disguised himself and followed her ; he caught her before she could reach Rob 's place . He threatened her that he would burn Rob 's house in front of her if she saw him again . That very night Princess Agnes went to Prince Aiden and told him what had happened . She had said she would die if she doesn 't get Rob . The next day King Summoned Rob 's father Lian and warned him on this as well . Lian came to this very house to talk to my father . He explained my father the whole scenario and said that he would be leaving the city with the family and try to live somewhere peacefully . My father said he would try talking to King on this matter . I heard their conversation and immediately went to inform Rob about his father 's idea of leaving the town . Prince Aiden was with him at that time . He suggested that Rob and Agnes should escape from the city or else they could never unite . Prince Aiden himself devised a plan for their getaway . The very next night he got Agnes with him . As I took Rob to the outskirts of the city . We gave them gold coins , food and asked them to be careful in the forest . That was the last we had seen them . Rob 's Parents were killed the very next day and their house was put on fire by an angry King William . " General Thomas ended the tale . " I saw the dagger in your hand the morning of wedding day when you were asleep . I had given that dagger to Rob the day they left . When I asked Shadow how you had that , she told me it was your father 's . I am sure that you are their son now " he said . Advaita was silent now . " We do not live in a perfect world where fairy tales come true but in a world where life is a struggle for survival and we need to find happiness within it " he now understood why his father had said that . Seeing Advaita silent Thomas and Tip realised he needed a break . " You take some time son , we will talk further on this later " Tip said . General Thomas left the room . Tip sat there for sometime . When he was about to leave , Advaita said " I need a favour Tip " . Tip said he would do anything . " Can you paint portraits of Rob and Agnes ? " Tip agreed and told he would give it to him by tomorrow . Advaita thanked him . Advaita sat alone in the room deep in his own thoughts . He had called the chief of Shaka tribe his grandfather . His mother called him father as far as he knew . But people in Shaka had called his parents outsiders . Now grandfather had told his father and he were a cheat . Advaita was totally confused . Advaita was ready to shoot his first arrow . He could sense that all of the kingdom 's eyes were upon him . He shot the first then the second and on he went . Every shot was hitting the bullseye . When the final shot hit the bullseye there was a huge roar from the crowd . King Aiden finally smiled . Advaita 's opponent Commander Alex of Benin seemed impressed too . Advaita suggested they have a round 2 , with two targets placed one above the other and they needing to hit both of them simultaneously . Commander Alex agreed to that . Finally two such sets were arranged . They both took two arrows each ready to shoot their respective targets . The whole arena was silent . When the signal was given both shot the arrows . All four arrows hit the bullseye . The crowd went crazy over their accuracy . Advaita and Commander Alex decided to go two more times . Both the times they hit bullseye . The Kings were very impressed with Advaita . The crowd was excited to see what would be the next round . Commander Alex suggested adding a third target on top of the two . Advaita agreed to it . He had never done this before but he was very excited . Now they had to shoot at three targets simultaneously which were one above the other . Even commander Alex had not done this before successfully . " Are you ready for the showdown ? " He asked Advaita . " I never thought I would be a part of one in the first place " Advaita replied with wonder . They both laughed . The crowd had gone silent again . " Son , you may feel in this life that you too need some showdown with beasts to feel its real thrill , but in life all you need is to be happy and at peace " Advaita was in a different kind of showdown and he was happy too as he remembered his father . Advaita looked at Shadow as he got ready with the three arrows as he placed them on his bow . She smiled at him . Both Advaita and Commander Alex had set their arrows ready to shoot . 6 arrows flew towards the target . 4 had hit the bullseye . Advaita had missed the bullseye with a very small margin on the bottom target . Commander Alex missed the top target . The whole crowd went silent as it was decided that whichever arrow was nearer to the bullseye would be declared as winner . Commander Alex came and hugged Advaita " You are already a winner to me , son " He said . Advaita who never got too emotional about these things had tears in his eyes . He thanked Commander Alex . Advaita 's arrow was nearer to the bullseye than that of Commander Alex 's arrow and was thus declared the winner . The whole crowd went berserk and cheered for Advaita . They had never seen such close archery competition before . King Edward congratulated Advaita for his talent . He turned to King Aiden and said " We have a tie from the games . Shall we conclude this tournament with a final game of longsword duel ? " They both decided the best from both kingdoms would fight . King Edward called for his General Lucius as King Aiden called for General Thomas . They were asked to get their respective longsword with armor and step into the arena for the final showdown . Both the Generals had immense respect for each other . They both greeted each other and took their stance . General Thomas had his longsword pointing to the ground whereas General Lucius was pointing it straight at General Thomas . As the signal was given Lucius attacked with the very first thrust which was very well deflected by Thomas . Thomas made Lucius come to him for every attack . Suddenly Thomas countered which caught Lucius by surprise but he dived over and escaped as the sword brushed past him . Thomas thought the game was all over when he went for a submissive move , but Lucius got away by kicking Thomas . Both fell to the ground ; as both got up they were in an aggressive mode . Each thrust was parried by the other . There were counter attacks for each attack . People watched in awe of this duel . Both were matching each other 's strikes . The duel went on for a long time . Though both were tired , the pace of the duel had come down and their never say die attitude endeared them to their captivated audience . The Kings , soldiers , lords and people were on their toes expecting the unexpected . They had already seen some amazing techniques which were never witnessed before . Both the Generals had been innovative in deflecting each other 's attack trying to outwit each other . King Edward saw that it was almost midday and looked at King Aiden . General Thomas waited for General Lucius to attack , as Lucius waited for a bit to get a breath both Kings signaled for the duel to be stopped . The whole crowd stood , cheered and clapped for both the Generals . They declared that it was a tie . The Generals bowed to the Kings , acknowledged the crowd for their support . " It 's almost midday , we should get the wedding going . " said a happy King Edward . They all made their way to the Palace Church . Princess Margaret had not attended the tournament . She had stayed inside . A soldier was sent to inform her regarding the ceremony . Prince Rufus left the arena to get ready . King Edward who until now had only hated the Kingdom of Heaven , startPosted in A to Z Challenge ( 2016 ) 4 Comments " In the game of arrows it 's always the bow that makes a winning decision ! In life we people are arrows . The more the bow string is pulled , greater the distance covered by the arrow to reach the desired target " . Advaita remembered his dad 's words as he started running again from the arrows in his life . As he was running , he had seen that he was followed by maybe 6 or 7 guys . In his 13 years of life he had not come across a situation like this . His father was killed and he had managed to escape from the chaos . Since then he was on the run . He was covering an unknown distance without a target . The only intention now was to live . He had escaped with his Dad 's bow , dagger and a few arrows in a bag . He had only two arrows left with him now . It was a very dense forest . He stopped again and hid behind the bushes when he heard a roaring sound nearby . It had come from the side where he was moving towards . He could still feel the arrows pointed towards him from behind . He made his mind to move towards the sound . As he ran a little ahead he saw that there was a little open area and just after that a cave . He hid himself again before the open area and tried to think what needed to be done . He slowly moved towards the cave . Making sure each of his footsteps could be seen going to the cave . He could feel something being there inside the cave . He started to retrace the same step backwards and jumped to his left towards the bushes . He started to silently climb a nearby tree . As he climbed he could hear the steps coming towards open area . He froze and waited . He was well hidden for anyone to been seen unless thoroughly investigated . Advaita saw them as they reached the open area . One of them showed the footsteps to another . The other guy nodded . He told two of them to wait outside , as he and the others moved towards the cave . There was a smile on the face of Advaita as his trick worked . He was in two minds now . Whether to move ahead from there or wait and watch . He decided to wait . He waited there for some time . The tiredness was getting on him . He slowly slipped but was able to grab the branch and stay at the place . The rustling noise from the tree got the attention of the two guarding outside . " Go check that Kiri " said one to another . Kiri slowly moved towards the tree . He could see something atop of the tree but could not make out what it was . He moved his bow pointing the arrow towards that direction . He pulled the arrow to shoot . As he was about to shoot they heard a huge roar from the cave … . . When he was born his cry was perfect . His cry gave away smiles in the hospital like never before . The Nurses who saw him called him the perfect one . His father 's joy knew no bounds when he held him for the first time . His mother smiled like never before when she set her eyes on him . From the day he came into this world , he was termed as Perfect . Parents found it very difficult to name him . He grew more handsome and showed intelligence that belied his age . His walk was perfect . Finally they named him Krishna after Lord Krishna the Hindu God . He grew up doing everything perfectly . He excelled in every field . Though he was getting tired of everyone telling him how perfect he was , he started to get arrogant about it by the time he was 16 . Krishna 's friends envied him but still acted as if they were his best friends . He knew this but could not care less . As he grew old he became lonely . When he was 20 his so called friends started to feel so insecure that they tried to avoid him . Everyone started to have girlfriends . Each girl wanted to be his girlfriend but because of insecurity they avoided him too . Moreover he was looking for a perfect girl to match his perfection . At the age of 26 he started working for his dad , helping him with the family business . His parents had started looking for a suitable bride . He had rejected a few proposals and he got rejected by a few of them as they felt insecure . One night Krishna went to his dad " Dad , I would like to take care of the other site we have . I badly need a break from this city . " The site was in the other end of the country . His Dad considered for long and reluctantly agreed . When he was in the plane that would take him to his new place , he saw the clouds , plains below . He was amazed by their naturally perfect beauty . " Everybody wanted to be him . All would just look at him as if he was next to God . But is there a need to be perfect ? People don 't realize they are perfect in their own way . They really don 't realize it . Every child 's first cry is perfect not just his . A little one fighting for that extra piece of chocolate is perfect . A young student studying hard to attain success is perfect . A sportsperson working hard to reach his goal is perfect . A person trying to keep his family happy is perfect . A crow sitting on the branch of a tree and gazing around is perfect ! It all depends on the view a person has . " Flight attendant woke him up as it was time to land . He never realized he was asleep . The thoughts were still strong in his mind . It changed his whole perspective on life . As he turned round the corner , another bike came from nowhere in front of him . As they tried to avoid each other they collided . Krishna fell and his head hit the road , it was just a minor fall as he just had a small cut on his face . He was worried about the other person . " Oh my bike ! I had got it ready perfectly " Krishna heard a voice . As he stood up . . " Oh No … my bike , OMG look at my face … " she said looking in the mirror . As Krishna faced to look at her , He saw a tag hanging around her neck , It had ' Radha ' on it . He had a bruise on his face but it did not matter to him . He was not even hearing what she was telling anymore , just staring at her . Radha was still shouting at him . As soon as she saw him , she stood still . Both were looking at each other as if they had eyes only for the other . A smile flashed across their faces as Krishna said " Perfect " . Life we live is perfect . Every moment in our life is important as each of this moment becomes memory the very next second . Make every memory a Perfect One … Take care . " Daddy why aren 't there any angels in this world anymore ? " asked the little girl . " You are an angel , love " Daddy smiled . The girl was in bed ; Daddy covered her with the bedspread and kissed her forehead " Good night , my dear " . " I am not sleepy , daddy . Tell me why there are no more angels ? " she asked . He was walking towards the door , but turned to see back to see his daughter , with a question on her face . " I heard you talking to mommy regarding angels , you were saying something stopped angels " she said . Dad smiled and came back to sit beside her . " You heard that ? " He asked . She nodded saying yes . " Once upon a time there were millions of being called Grounders . These beings stood on their ground and prayed for the angels to come to earth " Dad began . " Grounder is a funny name daddy ? " she interrupted . " Please do not interrupt me . Don 't you want to hear the full story ? " She nodded , he continued . " These Grounders would stand throughout their life , so that other BEINGS would also have a good life . " Dad was explaining with his hand movements and expressions suitable to the words he was putting across . His daughter was enjoying it . " When the time came for the angels to come down , these Grounders would nod and be happy ; some would even lose their life ! " Girl 's head was moving with the movements of her dad 's hands and her expressions changing with his . " As the angels came to earth , their touch brought happiness to all the BEINGS . Grounders would pray for a good year ahead and would remember the ones who died . Grounders helped other beings in many other ways as well . Seeing this other BEINGS wanted to take advantage of these Grounders because of their innocence . They wanted to use Grounders for their own benefit . The BEINGS started to kill the Grounders for their own advantage . Grounders were helpless as they never gave up their stand but they didn 't object either . They sacrificed their life with no hesitation or agitation . " Girl could see the pain in her dad 's eyes as he narrated this . " Angels saw these developments and with the decrease of the Grounders their arrival also became limited . One fine day there were no Grounders left and soon angels stopped coming and the ones who were already here , disappeared . When the BEINGS realized that angels weren 't coming and their survival was also in question , they with the best of their ability tried all they could to get angels back . When they failed to do so , they tried to recreate angels but never came close to . Soon after , they started trying to recreate Grounders as well but the result was the same , failure ! So angels never came after that and the BEINGS are still trying to find a solution as their race is on the verge of the extinction . " Dad ended the story . He made a sad face as he arranged the bedspread properly . " Will angels come again daddy ? " the little girl asked as she prepared to sleep . As he was walking towards the door he saw the artificial tree made by his own BEINGS outside the window which would never succeed in getting the water his race needed badly . " I am sure they will , they surely don 't want to miss seeing you my love " . She smiled for that and closed her eyes to fall asleep . It was a Saturday . One of my days off ; I had promised my manager a poem for the next issue of the Office magazine . The submission was 5 days away and I had not started working on it yet . I was still in bed thinking about it when I heard Mom calling me for breakfast . I thought it was for Sandhya , my sister . She is studying in her final year of engineering and has classes only on Friday and Saturday and rest of the days for project work which I was helping her out with . I got up from bed finished my morning chores . I felt like taking a bath , took my towel and went to the bathroom . I heard the bell ring as I went inside the bathroom . I was still in bath towel around my waist when I came out of bathroom . I heard a knock and next moment I saw Sandhya coming in " Bro need that Chetan Bhagat Book " she turned around as her friend too came in , " which one Pooja ? " she continued . I ran into bathroom bellowing " For god sake wait for my permission to come into the room ! " . Sandhya had a big laugh about it . I asked them to come after a few min . After 15 min they both came in , Sandhya was still laughing . " You in seeing condition ! " . I was totally pissed . I had a crush on Pooja and was wondering what she was thinking . " So which book ? ' i asked , " I wanted Five point someone " replied Pooja . " It 's a good book " I replied to her with a smile . I had a whole rack filled with books . I thought it was among top two shelves but it wasn 't there . I realized it might be in the bags from my engineering days as I had read it at that time . Mom interrupted " Raghu , come have your breakfast its getting cold . " " your classes start by 11 right ? " I asked , they both nodded saying yes . " It 's almost 9 now , will find and give it you before you guys leave " I told to Pooja . " ok , fine " replied Sandhya . Pooja smiled as she closed the door behind her . Her eyes were gorgeous … A poem was already ringing in my head . I took a sheet and pen along with me to the dining table . Started writing as mom brought the breakfast . " So what did you think of the conversation we had yesterday ? " I am 27 and parents have been chasing me to get married . I was trying my best to avoid . Seeing my silence she continued " If you have someone in mind let us know . " I continued my silence and finished my breakfast as soon as possible . Saw Sandhya and Pooja coming towards the dining room . " I will find it and give it to you " I smiled . Sandhya made a face as Pooja smiled . Few more words fell out of my head ! I wrote them in the sheet after I came back to room . I opened couple of my college bags and found the book . As it was already late , I heard Sandhya shouting " Are you sleeping again ? " , I went out of my room and handed it to Pooja . She kept it inside her bag and then they both left . I finished my poem , kept it over the desk . Had lunch and then left to see friends . Around 7PM I got a call from Mom . I could hear her smiling as I answered . " why didn 't you tell me you like Pooja in the morning itself ? Her parents are here to talk about the marriage . It seems even they saw the poem you wrote for her . Dad and I are both ok about it , So chill . Come home they will be staying for dinner . " She cut the call . I could not believe what just had happened . I said bye to my friends and just left from there . They looked puzzled but I was more puzzled than them to explain anything ! I got to the bike trying to still make sense of what just happened . I rode back to home . As I was riding I realized what had happened . I reached my home . Sandhya was talking on mobile in the corridor . She cut the call seeing me . " You could have at least told me Bro , I can 't believe … " before she would continue I placed my hand covering her face and said " Listen I agree I have a Crush on her . . " I told her what I had realized on the way . " Oh , shit . What are we gonna do ? " she replied . " I need to talk to her , Sandy , alone " I replied . " Bro she likes you and now thinking about it , you two would look good together " she smiled . " I need to talk to her " I said and we both went in . Pooja 's parents were sitting along with my parents completely immersed in discussions . All looked happy . As soon as I came in Pooja saw me , she had shyness in her face and she looked very cute with the smile . Her father said " Raghu , your poem was fantastic " . I couldn 't believe that were the first words from her Dad ! Everybody laughed . All I could manage was " Thank you " . They gave a lecture about life , love in general . They said they were cool with what had happened . As both knew each other 's family they readily agreed for the marriage . I was silent the whole time . After a lot of thinking " Can I speak to Pooja alone ? " I asked . They all laughed at me . " Sure . Is that why you were silent the whole time ? Shy to speak to your girl in front of us , only through letters huh ! ! " my mom said . Everybody started to laugh again . I didn 't know how to react to that . I saw Pooja , got up from my chair and started walking towards my room , she followed . Once we were In I took a deep breath . She sat on my chair beside the desk and turned facing me . Before I could say anything " That poem was amazing , I loved each and every line of it . After reading that poem I fell completely for you . My parents … . " She stopped and looked at me . I don 't know what expression I was giving , she said " sorry , you wanted to say something " she said . At that moment i realized i liked to listen to her . I smiled and said " go on complete what you want to say " . " My parents took that letter as I was reading it . Once they came to know it was you who had written it , they just talked to your parents and we are all here now . My mom likes you . She readily agreed to get me married off to you . " She said with her face down smiling . " Listen , I wanted to say something " she faced me again . Her smile made it hard for me to say , but I had to " That poem it was not about you . I was close to a girl when I was doing engineering . I had written it for her . When I gave it to her , She asked me what it was , I told her it was my love letter for her . She threw the sheet without even looking at it . I didn 't even listen what she was saying after that . I Just took the letter and ran from there . I was hurt very bad . I had placed the letter in the book and didn 't remember it was actually there ! " . Pooja was shocked , I could make out from her face . She stood there . She had tears on her face . I don 't know why but it hurt me seeing her like that . I have no idea from where I got that courage . I made her look back at me . " Look at me . That 's past . I had forgotten about it . I do have a crush on you . But now I feel it 's something more as well " she looked at me , but this time it was different . I took her hand and brought it near to my heart " If you are ok with my past , I would love to spend my future with you . . I think I am falling in love with you " . She fell to my chest . I hugged her tight . She Looked at me and said softly " I want a poem first , will you write one just for me . " |
Staff are requesting opinions here ! The new June Spotlight Contest is up ! That means we 've found some winners for the May Contest . The winners are : Bacon for art and Sheo for writing . Congratulations guys ! ThunderClan is hosting June Festivals to honour their deities ! All allies and neutrals are welcome ! 1Page 1 of 2 Plot ; ; One day while the boys of One Direction are out on tour , they decide to go exploring the town they 're in because they have a free day . While they are out and about in the town they come across my character , a pregnant homeless woman who 's just barely getting by . The boys decide that they want to try and help the woman , but as soon as they get close enough she tries to attack one of them . It takes a bit , but they 're able to get the scared woman to calm down . Then , Liam offers to let the woman stay with them while they are in the town . Surprising herself , she says yes , but only because she 's tired and hungry . On the boys last day in the town they decide to ask the woman if she wants to stay with them permantly . Though she really doesn 't want to stay with these strangers , she agrees , knowing that her babies life was at stake and that she needs to stay somewhere safe until the kid is born . After spending some time with one of the band members , Liam , feelings start to spark between them , though she 's afraid to act on them . Ooc ; ; As you probably guessed , this is a One Direction rp . I will be rping the girl and you will be Liam . We can take turns being the other 1D members . If you 'd like to rp a girl character that has a relationship with one of the band members , just ask and I 'll happily rp one of the boys for you . Though you have to come up with your own plot and it can 't be exactly like my plot . Also my plot is based off of one of my old plots . Also this thread will take place in 2017 and like I said in the plot , they will be on tour . I think we 'll start out in the USA and in a large city - New York City . At first glance most people took pity Annaleigh Lancaster . She was pregnant and she was a homeless person . Being homeless and pregnant was never a good thing . Especially when you lived in a large city like New York City . She 'd actually lived in New York her whole life , though most of her life was spent being homeless . There was a small fraction of her life when she actually had a place to call home , but after she found out about the pregnancy , she decided to leave that place . The place she used to call home just wasn 't a safe environment to raise a baby . That was why she 'd left . Living on the streets and being pregnant was hard , but she 'd managed . She 'd tried her best at finding jobs , to help support herself and the baby she would soon be bringing into the world . Though a lot of them were odd ones and she never kept them for long . The fact that she was now seven months pregnant didn 't help much with the keeping of jobs either . She had quite a bit of money saved back in her backpack , but not enough to be able to rent a place . Instead , she stayed at an abandoned building . The place used to be a theater actually . One of those ones that used to play Broadway plays in it . Annaleigh turned down a musty and dirty alley way after a long day of job hunting . It was hard looking for jobs now - a - days , but she knew she had to continue searching . She really needed a job right now and she didn 't know how much longer she could take sleeping in old theater chairs and eating fast food from the burger joint across from her run - down home . She shifted the backpack on her back as she walked , making her way out of that alley way and onto the side walk . This side of town was always a more quieter and run down part of New York . Not many people or tourists came here because most of the places were run down and there was lots of gangs and such here . This side of town was a part of town Annaleigh was used to though , because she 'd lived on this side of town since she was a kid . She contiued to walk trying to get to the theater that she called home so she could rest . I would love to be Liam for you , doll . I 'll get my reply ready . But do you mind if I have a girl of my own as well ? I know the offer is out there but I don 't know if you still feel like playing one of the lads for me . PLEASE CHECK OUT MY NEW FANFIC [ url = http : / / Escaping the Inevitable ] http : / / archiveofourown . org / works / 4595658 / chapters / 10497759 [ / url ] If you don 't mind playing Harry for me , that would be amazing ! I 'm thinking a little plot along the lines of Harry & my character are about to elope , before he gets the news that he 's needed back home in cheshire with his family . Neither of them had told their family in fear that they would think they moved too fast . But the two knew it when they set eyes on each other that they were meant to be . The only problem is , that when Harry gets the news , he insists on bringing my girl back home with him . She is completely against the idea at first , but tags along . Maybe eventually Harry spills out that they were going to elope , and Anne insists that they have a wedding in chesire , and that 's when wedding plans start being made , and everything that they didn 't want to happen ( like stressing over wedding organization and family issues , etc . ) happens . It 's simple but I think it would be fun to do , having harry come back home and spending family time and just getting back to his old city . Just a thought though . But i 'll get the template ready ! That idea sounds wonderful ! I love it ! And take your time . It 's late here anyway and I plan on going to bed soon ! I love Liam Payne and Spencer Reid ! ! PETER PAN AND WENDY TURNED OUT FINERachel DeMarco - 27 - reference - roleplayed by Lun555Maybe one of the reasons Rachel didn 't want to tell her family ( or Harry 's , really ) , about wanting to get married was the age difference . It wasn 't drastic but it was enough for the magazines to make a big deal about her being a cougar and Harry going after older women . " Per usual " , they would say . Maybe another reason was the fact that they absolutely did not want the fancy wedding that Rachel 's mom had talked about since she found out her daughter was dating the millionaire musician Harry Styles . Of course , that would never happen . Rachel hated anything super big and fancy , anything extravagant , and anything too expensive . She was the living example of the definition of frugal . ( Except when it came to cars . She loved driving the newest cars and showing off the fastest one 's she and Harry 's money could buy . ) Or maybe it was because she wanted to avoid every family question they would ask leading up to the wedding , and during the reception that her mother dreamed of . " When are ya planning on having babies ? " " You really think this 'll last ? " They could whisper . Or even worse , " Were the abortion rumors in the magazines true ? C ' mon , I 'm family , you can tell me ! " " Babe , I still can 't get over your haircut . It looks amazing on you . " She said , when she walked down the stairs form the second story of their flat to the first where the kitchen was in nothing but one of Harry 's shirts . A pink button up , unbuttoned enough to basically show every bit of her chest like the provocative twenty - seven year old woman she was . She walked from the bottom step to where Harry was trying to fix the broken toaster . Like I said , Rachel was frugal . Nothing went to waist in their house . Even if something was broke , she refused to get a replacement before seeing if it could be fixed . No matter how big or how small . " Come take a break from that , okay ? You seem distant today . Maybe we can talk in bed for a bit . . get something off your chest ? " BUT REALLY GREAT THINGS HAPPEN IN THE BLINK OF AN EYELiam Payne - 23 - reference - roleplayed by Lun555Niall was always getting them lost . Even when they weren 't together , he got everyone lost . Somehow , NIall had that curse about him , and now Liam was at a run down area of New York City trying to find where Niall and Harry were meeting him for lunch . Louis had bailed about an hour ago from when he got lost too , and he had just given up . Liam had more determination , though he had a bad feeling in his gut about where he was at the moment . He pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket again and texted Niall for the fifth hundredth time to see if he could figure out where he was . Because to be frank with you , Liam was hopeless with trying to figure out google maps and all those gps apps . There was absolutely no getting him out of this alone . And he was starting to realize that . But he didn 't just want to ask some random person off the street where the bistro he was going to was . He was supposed to be on the " down low " , or so his agent told him today . So he really shouldn 't be socializing and getting recognized here right now . Especially when he was lost . " Sorry to bother , I really am , but I 'm extremely lost . Can you point me in the direction of . . . " Liam started , and somehow when he looked over this woman 's features , taking in her eyes and also taking in her radiance ( whether it be from the pregnancy or just her overall tough girl vibes ) , he lost every thought he had processed in his head . He was staring at her like an idiot . Shit , what was that place called again ? Harry was busy at work in the kitchen , desperately trying to fix the toaster . He really didn 't want to be working on it , but Rachel was the type of person who insisted on trying to fix things before replacing them . Harry wasn 't the greatest at fixing things though , so usually he did more harm to the things he was trying to fix . This usually resulted in them having to buy new stuff . He did once fix the microwave though and it worked for a few good months before taking a crap on them again . The sound of Rachel 's voice dragged Harry from his thoughts . " Thanks , honey . " he replied . She had been telling him that a lot lately , as did everyone else . They all seemed to love his new haircut . The main reason why he 'd cut his hair was because of the movie Dunkirk that he 'd been doing filming on all of last year . After he cut his hair , he ended up donating it all though , because he had a lot of it there and wanted someone to be able to have hair that couldn 't grow it themselves . Harry stopped what he was doing at her request , knowing that she was right . At the moment he was worried about his family . One of his relatives in Holmes Chapel - an aunt - kept getting sick and they were afraid there was something seriously wrong with her . So far though , the doctors hadn 't been able to find out anything wrong with her . Even with all of the tests they 'd been running on her . He hadn 't mentioned this to Rachel , because he didn 't want to worry her . He 'd only found out about the news a few weeks ago and had been considering going home to visit his family . He had just never gotten around to it . " Alright . " he said , setting down his tools . He would get back to trying to fix the toaster later . Even though he knew trying to fix it was pointless . " I still think trying to fix this thing is a bad idea though . " he decided to speak up . " Let 's not forget what happened to the last time I tried to fix something . " he added . The last time he 'd tried fixing something , which happened to be the plumming in the bathroom , he flooded the bathroom . He ended up having to call a real plummer to fix it . Annaleigh had been lost in her thoughts and more focused on trying to get to the theater than anything . She wasn 't really paying attention to where her feet where taking her because of this . The main thing on her mind was finding a place to rest back at the theater . Her back was killing her - a result of the pregnancy no doubt . She almost didn 't notice the brunette haired man who was coming her way . Luckily , the sound of his voice had brought her out of her thoughts . " What do you want ? " she snapped irritably . She eyed the brunette haired man suspiciously with her green eyes . She had never seen him around here before and by the looks of it he was a tourist . It was rare to see tourists on this side of town and when she did see them , they were usually lost . Annaleigh soon got the answer she was looking for , because just like she thought , he started asking for directions . She glared back at him when she caught him staring . " What ? You ain 't ever seen a pregnant woman walking the streets before ? " she spat . It was obvious that she was in a bad mood . She 'd been out job hunting for most of the day and she had a feeling that she wouldn 't get any of the jobs she 'd applied for . She had a feeling that her baby belly would be part of the problem . Most people didn 't want to hire someone who was seven months pregnant , because they feared that shortly after they hired this person that they 'd go on maternity leave shortly after they got hired . She knew how most places worked . That and she was starting to get tired from all of this walking . The exhaustion was clear on her face . She placed a hand on her back as she stood there . Jaques ' Cousine huh ? She 'd heard of the place . Actually she 'd worked there for about a week once , but got fired due to showing up late three days in a row . It wasn 't her fault though . On those days she 'd been riddled with morning sickness and had been forced to walk to work because she didn 't have a mode of transportation . It wasn 't like there was many taxi 's on this side of town either . " Yeah . I heard of it . Sadly you 're on the wrong side of town . " she answered . What she 'd said was true . The place was on the other side of town . It would probably take someone an hour to get there on foot . She reached up and ran a hand threw her dirty hair . It looked like she hadn 't showered in a few days and there was a faint smell coming from her . It was hard for her to find places with running water to get clean in . A lot of time she just went to local restrooms and washed off there . Sadly the theater had no running water in it so she had to work with what she could find . # princessofhearts ( ( c ) ) Rachel saw the frown lines in between Harry 's eyebrows and her own bounce in her step faded into nothing , and she plodded over to where he was leaning against the counter . Something definitely was up . Had those always been there ? No , they couldn 't have been . They had just developed over a few weeks . She had just never noticed them . Now she was really worried . " Yeah , probably . " She agreed , not exactly paying attention to his not wanting to resume fixing the toaster . She walked over to where he was and folded her arms over her chest and looked at him , her own frown lines beside her lips showing . Though hers were from stressing over work , they were just a natural thing . Of course , Harry couldn 't exactly afford to have them . He was the Harry Styles after all . " What 's going on ? " She simply asked , looking into his green eyes with her slightly worried blue ones which she tried to mask with seriousness . She didn 't ever want him to think she worried . Because when she worried , then he worried . And then it was a whole damn cycle . Though , admittedly , she probably wasn 't the best fiance for Harry most of the time , she did care for him a hell of a lot . She was extremely stubborn , and that 's pretty much why Harry ended up caving in with her most of the time . She wasn 't a pushover like most girls these days . Though , she had been content with her stubbornness in the past , recently she was feeling extremely guilty about all the shit she was making him do for her . That 's why she was so worried right now . Was he about to break it off with her because of all this stuff she had done ? The abortion , the job , the way too small apartment that Harry would never admit to hating ? Her gut was wrenching over and over with nerves , almost restless as she kept shifting her arms or fingers , wiggling her toes , having to do something to fidget before he would answer . She couldn 't lose him . Though they had only been together for five months now , she was so attached to him it was crazy . But she wasn 't the gloating type . So she wouldn 't exactly broadcast iLiam Payne Liam was actually taken aback by the bluntness of the woman . And the dialect , too . He knew he was in the opposite side of town to be with " his kind " ; rich , spoiled , and here strictly for business . So he shouldn 't have actually been surprised , but he was . He just never really got too much in contact with people like her . The fans he would meet were usually spoiled rotten , rich girls who got everything they wanted at the snap of a finger . That 's just how meet and greets worked . And usually they were teenage girls , too , so he wasn 't really expecting himself to have accidentally stared at someone who looked to be around his age . What he wasn 't oblivious to , was the fact that she was most likely homeless . He could put two and two together by the fact of her lack of hygiene , and her saying " walking the streets . " . I mean , he shouldn 't have been making conclusions about people , but this time he was right . " You can 't help point me in the right direction ? " He asked , blinking his brown eyes once and then looking over his shoulder where a car was honking as it passed by . " I kinda need to be there for a meeting . " He said , and could tell he wasn 't going to be getting anywhere for free . He thought she could tell he had money . The coat and most likely the gucci shoes would give that away to anyone walking the streets . He probably could 've been jumped for them if she was like that . " Look , I can take you back to the hotel that we are staying in first and get you . . cleaned up if you want . I 'll even buy you dinner there . I just need to get there quickly . I have agents waiting for me and - " He said and sighed , running his tatted hand through his slightly gelled hair . " Look , I know you don 't want to hear about all this stuff , but it 's important to me right now . Just direct me and I 'll give you whatever you need . Because this is what I need right now . " He rambled on , accidentally making a promise he would either really regret or really appreciate later on . Whatever the result , he was just desperate to get to this meeting . Though this was the after - break tour , this was a meeting about all four of the guys ' solo careers and how they were " affecting their image . " . It was a big meeting for them before they resumed their tour in two days after touring through the city to get publicity and magazine articles to sell more tickets later on . The whole business itself was a game of strategy on how to make more money for their agency and them themselves as well . Liam didn 't exactly like it , but he liked the money enough to keep in the game . Harry smiled when she came over to him and he wrapped his arms around her in a soft embrace . A frown spread across his face when she asked him what was wrong . He should have known that she 'd start asking questions and want to know what was wrong eventually . He wasn 't exactly the best at hiding his emotions around her . He honestly wasn 't so sure he wanted to tell her , but knew if he denied it that she would keep asking him about it until she got an answer out of him . He knew how she could be . " Well . . . . It 's my Aunt Barbie . She keeps getting sick and the doctor 's aren 't sure what 's wrong with her . " he answered her question . He was really worried about his aunt and part of him feared that there was something seriously wrong with her . Part of him also wondered if whatever it was that was wrong with her was an undiscovered sickness . " I 've actually been thinking about heading home so I can visit her and the rest of my family . I 've kind of been missing everyone . I was also wondering if I did go , if you 'd want to come with me ? " he said . A loud sigh of annoyance escaped from Annaleigh 's lips . All that she wanted right now was to sit back and relax , but he just had to keep being persistent . She could tell by looking at him that he probably came from money . The clothes he wore were a dead give away . The shoes he wore were nice and clean - they looked like the kind you 'd see walking runways . As for the rest of his attire , it looked like something out of a magazine . She didn 't exactly know who he was , because living on the streets you didn 't exactly get to keep up with pop culture . She listened to music of course , but never knew who exactly sang the songs on the radio . " Look . I 've been on my feet all day . I 'd like to help , but not as much as I 'd not like to . All I want is to sleep " she spoke with an edge to her voice . The brunette haired man 's offer was tempting and the mention of food made her stomach growl loudly . She hadn 't eaten anything in a few hours and both she and the baby were starving . The thought of a nice warm shower sounded appealing to her as well . She hadn 't had a warm shower in - well she couldn 't remember when she 'd last had one . Still she had just met this man and didn 't know if she could fully trust him . For all she knew he could be some bad guy who was offering her these things just so he could get her alone . After living in New York for so long she 'd come to learn that you didn 't just go off with random people you don 't know . She 'd learned that the hard way . " Your offer does sound tempting , but how do I know I can trust you ? I 've had stuff like this offered to me before , but the people who offered it ended up playing me . " she said . She placed a protective hand over her baby bump , almost as if on instinct . " That and just because I 'm pregnant doesn 't mean I can 't take care of myself , because you 'd be surprised how many guys thought they could pull a fast one on the ' weak pregnant lady ' . " she added , sounding a bit defensive , # princessofhearts ( ( c ) ) Rachel rested her head on Harry 's chest , listening to his heartbeat after he asked , and concentrated on his breathing . She understood that this was a big deal to him . He was a family man . He would do anything for his family . Which is why there was such a big fight between them about the whole baby thing . She really didn 't deserve him whatsoever . She had gone behind his back and lied to him about everything , and now he knew and he was still with her . No matter how mad he may be or have been . She just wasn 't ready at the time , and she knew what was best for her . But whilst making the decision , and going behind his back and having the abortion done without him being there , or even knowing , she gave him something she could never get back . He had to watch his family die without even a word in that she would listen to . She had done something terrible to her body , and a human being who had no other choice , no defense , and no protection . He had the right to have a grudge against her . They only talked about it one night when they were drunk , and she saw then how much it had hurt him . How upset and angry he was with her . She had destroyed him inside without a tinge of guilt . And now she was carrying the self - condemnation weight of his dead child on her back . And now he was sitting back and was watching someone else in his family who could possibly die too without being there . And he wanted her to go with him ? After all this went down ? Her breathing slowed down to match Harry 's , and she reveled in the silence for a minute , letting the feeling of his arms around her body comfort her as her eyes pricked with shameful tears . " Okay . " She whispered . Liam didn 't exactly know what to say to that . Because yeah , it did sound suspicious . But he was desperate . His solo career was riding on getting to this meeting before the agent got tired and decided on leaving him behind . He needed a contract to continue on with his career in music after the band went their separate ways in the near future . He didn 't know what to say to convince this girl to lead him to the bistro . " Well , you can lead me there and you can get to know me on the way . I 'm a decent guy , really . " He said . He just hoped no paps would end up coming to find him . Not that he didn 't want to be seen with her , he just knew that the type of publicity being with a pregnant woman would get him would not be what his agent wanted . He looked at her with slightly begging eyes . It was now or never for him , and he would do anything for this . Literally . " You can stay in my hotel room . It 's really nice . I can stay in my mate 's for the night . I really need your help right now . " He pleaded , putting his hands together , sighing . Around that time his phone started going off , and he saw that it was Niall calling . He groaned and picked up the phone . Niall basically told him that the agent had given him an ultimatum of coming within the next fifteen minutes or there would be no contract . Liam promised he would be there with a few minutes to spare , without knowing that it would take at least an hour . He was screwed . There was no way in hell that he was getting this deal . But he was very hard headed and he would try anything and everything before he gave up . Harry held Rachel close to him , listening to the sounds of their soft breathing . He had been pretty upset with Rachel when he 'd found out about the abortion . He wasn 't a big fan of abortion and to him he saw it as murder . He honestly thought it should have never been invented . Still , he wasn 't going to hate on anyone who did choose abortion . Even though he hated the idea , he also believed it was the women 's choice to do what she wanted . Personally though , he wished that Rachel had consulted him first before going in and doing it without his knowledge . He would have loved being a father and he really enjoyed kids . He was a huge family person and he liked being around his family . He wasn 't as upset with Rachel as he had been when he 'd first found out about the abortion . There was a point in time when he 'd considered leaving her for doing so , but decided against it . Harry really did love Rachel and the thought of being apart from her was far worse than what she 'd done behind his back . She meant more to him than anything in this world and even though they hadn 't been together for very long , he eventually wanted to marry her . They had already talked about it a few times , but had never gotten around to actually tying the knot yet . When they did decide to get married , they wanted to do it privately , which he was fine with . He knew it would upset people on both sides of their families , but he didn 't care . He would do whatever Rachel wanted . A smile appeared on his lips when Rachel said , okay . He had a feeling that meant , yes and that she would go with him . " That 's great . " he replied . He wasn 't thrilled with the reason for why they were going to be seeing his family - because his aunt was sick . He was just happy that they were going to be seeing his family , because he really did miss everyone after all . Even if his aunt hadn 't gotten sick , he probably still would have wanted to come and visit them anyway . " When should we go visit everyone ? " he asked . He knew that she was probably busy with her job so they would probably have to pick a time when she was free from work . He also was busy with his job as well , though he knew he could find a way to get out of his job easily . Sick of the system don 't wanna hear it . It 's not a secret that I 'm just a reject . [ fancypost = background - color : ; width : 580px ; text - align : justify ; font - size : 12 . 5px ; font - family : georgia ; ] A loud sigh escaped from Annaleigh 's lips . This man sure was persistent and she had a feeling if she didn 't give in that he might not ever leave her alone . He was really starting to get on her nerves and there was a part of her that just wanted him to go away . She knew though , that the only way she 'd be able to get out of this situation was if she agreed to show him to the restaurant . If she didn 't , she had a feeling they 'd be standing here arguing about it all day . " Fine ! I 'll take you to the stupid restaurant ! " she huffed , annoyance clear in her voice . She still didn 't fully trust this man , especially considering she didn 't even know his name and he didn 't know hers . Though he did offer her a place to sleep if she helped him and it was better than nothing . It wasn 't like he was asking her to help without doing anything for her in return . A big yawn escaped from the pregnant woman 's mouth . She was still exhausted and had a feeling that this would be a long next hour . " Well we 'd better get going . It 'll take about an hour to get there from here if we plan on walking the whole way . " she said . She hadn 't been to the restaurant of Jaques ' Cousine in a while - at least a few months . She actually had a feeling that she wouldn 't be a loud back in there after the tantrum she 'd thrown the day she got fired . She had thrown a few dishes at people and she had said a few words that she probably shouldn 't have said . She hadn 't actually gone there since , but that was partially because she didn 't have the money to dine out at a restaurant as fine as that one . She still remembered the way there like it was etched onto the back of her hand . She had a good sense of direction and she was very street smart . She knew New York City very well . # princessofhearts ( ( c ) ) " It 's pretty urgent , innit ? " She asked , looking up at him and then back to looking straight ahead at the wall of the apartment . It was tiled beautifully , but she knew that it wouldn 't be long before Harry insisted that this was not the right pace to be spending the rest of their lives . And he was right , it wasn 't . Rachel was actually an architect , co - owning a business with one of her close college friends , Michelle . And she had designed and helped build and oversee beautiful creations , putting her own unique touch on everything and making sure her name would be spread and well out there . She designed mansions and beautiful houses for other celebrities , and millionaires like her lover . But , no matter how many times Harry would beg her to start on a project for their own perfect home , she would never start . She just felt like she would get too attached to their project and make it too much of a priority over her other client 's places . Though , now when she was thinking about all the things they would be doing ( or not doing ) back in Harry 's hometown , she figured she might as well get a start and get Harry to help her out . Maybe this would be just the right apology for everything she had done . " I 'll let Michelle know . Most of the projects right now are just being overseen , so it wouldn 't be too big of a deal to fly out whenever we need to . . " She said , moving her hand up to rest beside her head on Harry 's chest . He was so fit , and she missed the way they used to be so close . I mean , c ' mon , they actually hadn 't made love in like , what , a month ? She was dying . But she didn 't say a word . " I love you . I 'm sorry . " Liam thanked her genuinely , but then stopped for a second and groaned when she told him how long it would take to get there in the first place . " An HOUR ? " He practically shouted , and pulled out his phone . There was no point . He might as well just try to reschedule . His hand made his way to his temple and rubbed it for a second as he texted Niall to cancel it and everything . He just wanted to get back to the hotel . But he didn 't know the way back to that either . " Alright , well . . I just cancelled . I had to be there within fifteen minutes . But I made you a promise . So if you can show me the way to The Shelburne , I 'll get my stuff out and can help you get settled in or whatever . Order you in some food . " He offered , continuing to follow where she was going . He hated being lost , and felt slightly uneasy about this . She was very annoyed with him , and knew this would probably make her even more unhappy . But his offer was pretty great , so she shouldn 't complain too much . Especially when her stay and food was being charged to his card . His shoes hit the sidewalk with a slight click in his step from the small heel in the boot , and his hands were shaking sightly from just the fact that he too was pretty hungry . Not starving , but he hadn 't eaten on his regular schedule so he was pretty off kilter about this at the moment . It wasn 't his place to complain about it , so he kept his shakes to himself and continued on walking slightly behind the woman , not knowing what to say or what to do , really . " ' M name 's Liam , by the way . " Harry nodded his head at her words . " Well from the way my mom sounded on the phone the other day , I think it is . " he replied . The way things sounded it wasn 't too good and honestly he was scared for his aunt . He didn 't want anything bad to happen to the woman . Though he hadn 't been all that close with his aunt growing up , he still cared about the woman deeply and wanted to be around in case she didn 't have much time left . Nobody knew if what she had was severe or not , but incase it was he wanted to be around his family . A small smile appeared on his face at her words . He figured that Michelle probably wouldn 't care if Rachel took time off , because they both were pretty close friends and he had a feeling that she would understand . " That 's great . Well let me know what she says whenever you get a hold of her . " he said . He was happy that Rachel was here for him right now , because that was just what he needed . " I love you too . " he spoke softly to her . He leaned down and planted a soft kiss on her lips . A surprised sound escaped Annaleigh 's lips when he started shouting . She was quite used to being yelled at or just hearing shouting , but she hadn 't been expecting it so it had startled her a bit . She didn 't comment on his shouting and instead , started leading the way towards the restaurant . A large frown appeared on her face when she heard him say they were changing where they were going . She wasn 't thrilled with his , but she really didn 't want to urgue with him about it . She just kept walking in the same direction . Luckily , the Shelburne was in the same direction as the way they were going . It would probably take them a little less time to get there than it would the restaurant Liam had wanted to go to earlier , which she was thankful for . Her back was still causing her problems from all of this walking and she had a feeling she would need to sit down soon . She was still thankful that he was keeping his promise to her though , because she knew that everything he had offered was just what she was needing at the moment . " Alright , whatever . " she muttered , not sounding pleased . A ghost of a smile appeared on Annaleigh 's face when he introduced himself to her , but it was gone as quickly as it came . " You can call me Annaleigh . " she introduced herself to him as she walked . She stopped for a minute and took off her heavy backpack . Most of it was filled with clothes and other personal items , but she did have a knife in there for protection . When she took it off , her back felt much better . She had been carrying her bag around with her all day because she was afraid someone would try to steal it . She actually always had her backpack with her . She started walking again , holding her dirty backpack with one of her free hands . The backpack was actually an old backpack with the flowers from the Disney movie Alice in Wonderland . She had originally gotten in from a thrift shop when she was a kid and had carried it around with her ever since . # princessofhearts ( ( c ) ) Rachel smiled back at him , and her smile just kept growing in the short kiss . She pulled away after a quick moment , and pulled her phone out , pulling herself easily out of his embrace with the same motion . " I 'll go call her in the bedroom . Forget about the toaster for now . How about meeting me in my office ? The call should only take a minute . " She said sweetly , punching in Michelle 's name in her contact list and making her way out of the kitchen and up the stairs to the second floor of the apartment they shared , and into the bedroom . The call really did only take a few minutes . She explained to Michelle what was going on and how she wanted to be there for Harry and build up the courage to formally apologize over the time they would be spending together and with his family . Though deep down , she didn 't really want to go at the same time . She knew his family would ask all sorts of intrusive and accusing questions about her choices recently , and it would end up being bad for her . But it was what she deserved for what she did to Harry . Michelle approved , and even encouraged Rachel 's decision in this . Once the call was over , she made her way into the office , and smiled , seeing Harry in the big leather office chair . She made her way over to him and sat on his lap , and pulled out her work laptop and a few pieces of her special paper . She opened the computer , pulled up her design program and smiled at Harry with her loving blue eyes . " I like tudor homes . " Liam was pretty quiet from that point on in their journey through the rougher part of NYC to the richer and more luxurious side . He was pretty lost in thought about Niall and Harry getting a contract while he and Louis were left on their own to find someone to sign with them . Of course , it would be much easier for Louis since he had been working with Steve Aoki . Liam hadn 't really been doing much since they had been on break , and now they were on tour . Harry was writing , Niall was recording samples , Louis was doing some searching for labels , and Liam . . had been waiting for them to come to him . Doing nothing . And now he was screwed . The music business was vicious and he was falling out fast . He watched Annaleigh take off her backpack , and he figured that she was growing very tired of carrying it around . He frowned even harder at himself for not offering to carry it in the first place . He was being rather rude to her , and he was feeling pretty guilty about it now . " Here , let me get that . " He offered , holding his hand out for her to hand it over . Though she seemed pretty stubborn too , so he wasn 't sure she would actually hand it over . But he could at least say he offered the gesture . Harry nodded his head in agreement to her words . " Alright . I 'll see you there . " he replied . After she left the kitchen , Harry did the same . Only instead of heading up the stairs towards their room like she did , he instead , made his way to his fiance 's office . He had been in the office a few times before , but usually stayed out of there . He didn 't want to bother her while she was working . He walked inside of the office and took a seat in the big leather desk chair . He waited patiently for her to return , looking around at everything in the office while he waited . A smile spread across his face when she came into the room and sat on his lap . He wasn 't quite sure what a tutor style home was , but he was going to act like he did for her . He did sometimes watch shows on HGTV so he could try and learn more about what Rachel did for a living . He didn 't always pay attention to the types of houses they talked about on those shows though . " Yeah . Me too . " he agreed , even though he wasn 't sure what that was . Annaleigh continued to walk , moving at a rather slow pace . This was mostly because she was tired though . Liam 's offering to take her backpack had surprised her , though the dark haired brunette didn 't hand it over . She still didn 't fully trust him and planned to keep it on her at all times . " It 's fine . I 've got it . " she replied as she walked . She carried the backpack for a while until her hand started to get tired , then she put it back over her back . " It shouldn 't take us long to get there from where we are . At least twenty minutes to a half hour . I hope you 're fine with that . " she decided to say , trying to fill the awkward silence . She wasn 't really big on talking , but figured she should at least let him know how long it would take them to get to the hotel . At least if she was leading them to the right place . She had heard of the Shelburne and had actually walked past it a few times , but she 'd never been inside . She knew that she wouldn 't get them lost though , because she knew her way around the city very well . # princessofhearts ( ( c ) ) Rachel was surely the best at seeing through his fibs , and laughed when he went along with what she said . She pulled up google and started showing him pictures of some nice tudor homes . Some were big and some were small . Rachel and Harry could have whatever they wanted , really . With Rach 's architectural skills and Harry 's budget , they were good as gold . " You tell me what you like , though . Our house has to be something we both love , okay ? Not just me , not just you . Us . A future to build in . " She said , admitting that yeah , this was the start of them finally getting the house he wanted after so long . A start was a start , there was no denying that . And this was it . She started sketching out on one of the pieces of blank paper something way more modern and way more to the rich society of today 's culture 's taste in housing . " Do you like something like this ? " Liam nodded , and kept walking with her , determined to get back to the hotel with her . He was not going to just give up and call a cab now . Well , maybe he was . Because she was slowing down and looked extremely exhausted . He felt bad for making her detour all the way from wherever she was going to where he was supposed to be ending up . He pulled his phone out and dialed up the local taxi service and called one out to where they were , near a nice little resting stop on a bench outside of what looked to be an apartment complex . Probably a bus stop , but he wanted her to rest . " Cab should be here in about seven minutes . Much better than a half hour . Take a load off , yeah ? " He said , sitting down on the bench too . He wasn 't tired like her , but he didn 't want her to possibly feel any shame in sitting down and resting . " I have to ask just because I 'm way too nosy for my own good ; is it a boy or a girl ? " He said , trying to make general conversation . He just wanted to fill the noisy air with something besides traffic honking and yelling from across the way . He wanted to just get the awkwardness out of the way now and try to break whatever atmosphere they were sharing right now . He didn 't like it . Not one bit . He had all sorts of things he wanted to ask Annaleigh , but she didn 't seem too fond of questions . So he kept hushed for now . Harry wasn 't surprised that she had figured out he was lying . He knew that she knew him well enough to tell when he wasn 't telling her the truth . " I know . " he said . He watched as she started pulling up photos of tudor houses on her computer . He had to admit they looked pretty cool . Honestly though , he didn 't care what style of house the outside was . He just wanted the house to look interesting and unique . He wanted it to be like something nobody else had . " Those houses look cool . Honestly though , I just want our house to be unique . " he told her . He then started watching as she sketched out some plans . He honestly thought what she 'd drawn was amazing and he really liked it . " It looks perfect ! " he exclaimed . Annaleigh let out a sigh of relief when he said he 'd called a cab company . Finally she 'd get to rest her tired body . She had been on the go all day and was ready to sit down and just relax . " Thank you . I don 't think I can take much more walking . " she said . She slipped off her backpack and took a seat on the bench that Liam had stopped near . She sat her bag on the ground near her feet . She was a bit surprised by Liam 's question about her baby . She wasn 't used to people asking her questions about the child growing inside her . She didn 't really talk to people much anyway , so that was part of the reason . She wasn 't much of a people person and tended to keep to herself . Luckily for Liam , Annaleigh actually did know the gender of her baby . Awhile back she actually had enough money to go to the doctor so she 'd gone and got everything checked out . As far as she knew the kid was healthy . Which was a huge surprise to Annaleigh considering her situation . " This little one 's a girl . At least , that 's what the doctor told me the last time I saw her . " she answered his question . The last time she had actually been to the doctor was when she was about five and a half months pregnant . She knew she should be going and seeing the doctor regularly , but she didn 't have the money to go to regular appointments . Plus she was also trying to save up for an apartment of her own . She knew she 'd eventually have to go see the doctor again though , because she wanted to make sure this kid was doing okay . # princessofhearts ( ( c ) ) Rachel continued to sketch , getting lost in her vision . A mix between a suburban home and also something rich and fancy . Big enough so that when they were ready for kids , there would be plenty of rooms for them to grow up in and have rooms to play in . Run through the halls to their daddy in the mornings . She dreamed of a beautifully rustic modern kicthen with a bar separating to the dining room to host parties in with Harry 's family and friends , and her fantasies were pouring out through her pencil onto the paper . It was obviously a rough sketch . But then when she just about had the grand image in her head , she began using the program at lightning speed to create something that fit her style of business creations with Harry 's vision of modernity in their home . Soon enough , the whole house had a sketched out plan with proportions and beautiful style and unique touches to it . It looked beautiful , and Rachel just wanted Harry to be as passionate about it as she was . " How 's it look , Harry ? Could you live in this with me ? " Liam smiled when they sat and started talking even if it was just a little bit . There was something assuring about the way They could just sit and have a small little chat . It felt less cold somehow , and Liam sat back , realxing with the same grin on his face and looking over at her with a certain fondness for the way she talked about her child . " Do you have any names picked out ? " He then asked . If he didn 't know better about her situation , he would have congratulated her on the baby girl . But of course , it probably wasn 't what she wanted , seeing as she didn 't look like she had a solid place to stay . Or raise the baby . And that raised concern with Liam . No matter the life , it was still a human being , and it deserved to grow up and live in a safe environment . And he knew living on the streets of New York would not give this baby girl that privilege . He felt terrible about it . A bright , happy smile spread across Harry 's face at her words . He thought the plans she 'd drawn up were perfect and he couldn 't wait to get started on this house . Of course , he loved where they lived now , but this tiny apartment was just a starter home . He knew that eventually they would get started on their new place and eventually move into it when it was finished . He could already envision their home in his head and he was really excited about everything . " It 's perfect ! " he replied happily as he stared at her work . His fiance always had been great at drawing up house plans and it amazed him at how good she was at it . He leaned forward and gave her a kiss on the cheek . Well he tried to anyway . It was kind of hard with the way they were sitting in the chair . A ghost of a smile appeared on Annaleigh 's face when he asked about baby names . She actually had quite a few names in mind and couldn 't decide between them . " Yes actually . I have a few names in mind . I 've been thinking about the names Terra , Raven , Tara , Beth , or Faith . " she explained to him . The reason why she liked the names Terra , Tara , and Raven were because she was a huge Teen Titans fan . When she was a kid she had watched the cartoons a few times and fell in love with them . She also felt like she could relate to the characters Terra and Raven , which was another reason why she loved those three names . She liked the name Beth because the song had been playing the night her daughter had been conceived . She also liked the name Faith , because her mother had been a Faith Hill fan . Sadly , Annaleigh 's mother wasn 't around anymore . The woman had been shot when Annaleigh was a child . She had actually witnessed the horrible act and still had bad dreams about it from time to time . What had happened to her mother had helped make Annaleigh stronger though , because now she was a bit tougher . She also had learned how to handle herself in bad situations growing up and had learned to adapt to change . # princessofhearts ( ( c ) ) Rachel couldn 't help but laugh at how goofy Harry was sometimes , and he certainly was very excited about the house , which pleased her very much . She turned around so that she was straddling him to face him and give him a kiss on the lips . " When do we fly out , then ? " She asked in between kisses , and wrapped her arms around his neck , resting her forehead against his , just looking into his beautiful eyes for a moment . He was truly a work of art , and she was so blessed to have someone like him . Oh god , was she blessed . After every trial and tribulation they had been through , and had coming up , he was with her . Every step of the way . And she couldn 't have been happier , either . " Well , if you ever want an opinion , I love the name Faith . Of course , I 'm personally one for changing spelling to make something slightly more unique . If I was in your shoes , I 'd go with F - a - y - t - h - e . " He said , just putting in his general opinion . But he agreed on loving the name no matter what . Even if she thought his spelling of names was just wack - ass crazy . Liam looked up at the now cloudy sky of the afternoon , and sighed a bit to himself . It felt like rain , and he just hoped the cab would be here before it began to . He didn 't feel like getting rained on right now . Not when things seemed to be going pretty okay . He wasn 't lost anymore , and he had a little buddy to talk to while getting back to his mates at their hotel . He would probably just room with Louis for the night if he didn 't bring a girl back . He hated when he did that . But that was actually now very hypocritical . He was bringing someone back to the hotel now too . But this was completely different , right ? He hoped so . He didn 't need any more flack from the boys than he would get for missing this meeting . The cab arrived a minute early , and Liam opened the door for Annaleigh , letting her get in before going around and getting in the other side himself . He was a gentleman , no matter the woman . He always would be . His parents brought him up right , and that 's just the way it was . |
Stories from all around the world ! | Tell a tale that takes up residence in someone 's soul , becomes their blood and self and purpose . That tale will move them and drive them and who knows they might do because of it , because of those words ! THAT is our role , our gift ! Tell a tale that takes up residence in someone 's soul , becomes their blood and self and purpose . That tale will move them and drive them and who knows they might do because of it , because of those words ! THAT is our role , our gift ! One day , he passed a wealthy merchant 's house and through the open gateway saw many fine possessions and important visitors . " How powerful that merchant must be ! " thought the stonecutter . He became very envious , and wished that he could be like the merchant . Then he would no longer have to live the life of a mere stonecutter . To his great surprise , he suddenly became the merchant , enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever dreamed of , envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself . But soon a high official passed by , carried in a sedan chair , accompanied by attendants , and escorted by soldiers beating gongs . Everyone , no matter how wealthy , had to bow low before the procession . " How powerful that official is ! " he thought . " I wish that I could be a high official ! " Then he became the high official , carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair , feared and hated by the people all around , who had to bow down before him as he passed . It was a hot summer day , and the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair . He looked up at the sun . It shone proudly in the sky , unaffected by his presence . " How powerful the sun is ! " he thought . " I wish that I could be the sun ! " Then he became the sun , shining fiercely down on everyone , scorching the fields , cursed by the farmers and labourers . But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth , so that his light could no longer shine on everything below . " How powerful that storm cloud is ! " he thought . " I wish that I could be a cloud ! " Then he became the cloud , flooding the fields and villages , shouted at by everyone . But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force , and realized that it was the wind . " How powerful it is ! " he thought . " I wish that I could be the wind ! " Then he became the wind , blowing tiles off the roofs of houses , uprooting trees , hated and feared by all below him . But after a while , he ran up against something that would not move , no matter how forcefully he blew against it - a huge , towering stone . " How powerful that stone is ! " he thought . " I wish that I could be a stone ! " Then he became the stone , more powerful than anything else on earth . But as he stood there , he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the solid rock and felt himself being changed . " What could be more powerful than I , the stone ? " he thought . He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stone - cutter . I grew up knowing I was different , and I hated it . I was born with a cleft palate , and when I started to go to school , my classmates - who were constantly teasing - made it clear to me how I must look to others : a little girl with a misshapen lip , crooked nose , lopsided teeth , and hollow and somewhat garbled speech . I couldn 't even blow up a balloon without holding my nose , and when I bent to drink from a fountain , the water spilled out of my nose . When my schoolmates asked , " What happened to your lip ? " I 'd tell them that I 'd fallen as a baby and cut it on a piece of glass . Somehow it seemed more acceptable to have suffered an accident than to have been born different . By the age of seven I was convinced that no one outside my own family could ever love me . Or even like me . And then I entered the second grade , and Mrs . Leonard 's class . I never knew what her first name was - just Mrs . Leonard . She was round and pretty and fragrant , with chubby arms and shining brown hair and warm dark eyes that smiled even on the rare occasions when her mouth didn 't . Everyone adored her . But no one came to love her more than I did . And for a special reason . The time came for the annual " hearing tests " given at our school . I was barely able to hear anything out of one ear , and was not about to reveal yet another problem that would single me out as different . And so I cheated . I had learned to watch other children and raised my hand when they did during group testing . The " whisper test " however , required a different kind of deception : Each child would go to the door of the classroom , turn sideways , close one ear with a finger , and the teacher would whisper something from her desk , which the child would repeat . Then the same thing was done for the other ear . I had discovered in kindergarten that nobody checked to see how tightly the untested ear was being covered , so I merely pretended to block mine . My turn came up . I turned my bad ear to her plugging up the other solidly with my finger , then gently backed my finger out enough to be able to hear . I waited and then the words that God had surely put into her mouth , seven words that changed my life forever . A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm . After a while , they came upon a small cabin . Being exhausted , they prepared to go to sleep . There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed . This time , he remained there and said , " Sister , I have an idea . We 're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened . Let 's pretend we 're married . " I wanted to share this angel story with you . I had put a package of the angel sprinkles ( the small gold colored foil angels ) in my purse after one of the Psychic Fairs . The package was opened and the angels fell out into my purse . When I discovered what had happened , I put the loose angels into my coin purse . ( a little change purse - inside my purse . ) On the way home , I was at the store paying for something and change was required . I dug in , got the change , gave it to the sales person . I did not realize that there were also angels stuck in with the money ! Well she said : " Oh angels for me ! Thank you ! Come back and see me anytime ! " This happened to me several times that day , with almost the same reaction at different places , with different people . So now I keep the angels in there and always dispense them with the change . This little practice has led to some interesting conversations - for instance , when I did go back to the same store that the lady received the first angels . She told me how much she treasured them and kept them by her bed . She said she gave one to her daughter too . She then told me about her personal healing experience . She said : " I don 't usually tell people this but , I was paralyzed as a child . I could not walk or talk . My grandparents were very devout and my grandfather told me that if I really believed in God and Holy Mother Mary that I would be healed . He said that God was inside me and if my faith was strong enough I would be well . Well , I believed him , he was my grandfather . I started praying , I really believed . Within a year I was totally healed ! I am so grateful to God for this healing ! " I then gave her some more angel sprinkles , and again she acted like I had given her a million dollars ! She also told me that the first time she saw me that she thought that I was an angel ! ( blush … . . ) She said that she could feel the energy and it made her turn around and look at me . I told her that if she felt anything through me - that it was God ; I was only the instrument . What a lovelyShare this : PinterestTumblrEmailGoogleTwitterFacebookRedditLinkedInPrintPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . By Elan A long , long time ago there lived in a little hut in the midst of a bare , brown , lonely moor an old woman and a young girl . The old woman was withered , sour - tempered , and dumb . The young girl was as sweet and as fresh as an opening rosebud , and her voice was as musical as the whisper of a stream in the woods in the hot days of summer . The little hut , made of branches woven closely together , was shaped like a beehive . In the centre of the hut a fire burned night and day from year 's end to year 's end , though it was never touched or tended by human hand . In the cold days and nights of winter it gave out light and heat that made the hut cosy and warm , but in the summer nights and days it gave out light only . With their heads to the wall of the hut and their feet towards the fire were two sleeping - couches - - one of plain woodwork , in which slept the old woman ; the other was Finola 's . It was of bog - oak , polished as a looking - glass , and on it were carved flowers and birds of all kinds , that gleamed and shone in the light of the fire . This couch was fit for a princess , and a princess Finola was , though she did not know it herself . Outside the hut the bare , brown , lonely moor stretched for miles on every side , but towards the east it was bounded by a range of mountains that looked to Finola blue in the daytime , but which put on a hundred changing colours as the sun went down . Nowhere was a house to be seen , nor a tree , nor a flower , nor sign of any living thing . From morning till night , nor hum of bee , nor song of bird , nor voice of man , nor any sound fell on Finola 's ear . When the storm was in the air the great waves thundered on the shore beyond the mountains , and the wind shouted in the glens ; but when it sped across the moor it lost its voice , and passed as silently as the dead . At first the silence frightened Finola , but she got used to it after a time , and often broke it by talking to herself and singing . The only other person beside the old woman Finola ever saw was a dumb dwarf who , mounted on a broken - down horse , came once a month to the hut , bringing with him a sack of corn for the old woman and Finola . Although he couldn 't speak to her , Finola was always glad to see the dwarf and his old horse , and she used to give them cake made with her own white hands . As for the dwarf he would have died for the little princess , he was so much in love with her , and often and often his heart was heavy and sad as he thought of her pining away in the lonely moor . It chanced that he came one day , and she did not , as usual , come out to greet him . He made signs to the old woman , but she took up a stick and struck him , and beat his horse and drove him away ; but as he was leaving he caught a glimpse of Finola at the door of the hut , and saw that she was crying . This sight made him so very miserable that he could think of nothing else but her sad face that he had always seen so bright , and he allowed the old horse to go on without minding where he was going . Suddenly he heard a voice saying : " It is time for you to come . " The dwarf got off his horse and followed the little man through a hole in the side of a green hill . The hole was so small that he had to go on his hands and knees to pass through it , and when he was able to stand he was only the same height as the little fairyman . After walking three or four steps they were in a splendid room , as bright as day . Diamonds sparkled in the roof as stars sparkle in the sky when the night is without a cloud . The roof rested on golden pillars , and between the pillars were silver lamps , but their light was dimmed by that of the diamonds . In the middle of the room was a table , on which were two golden plates and two silver knives and forks , and a brass bell as big as a hazelnut , and beside the table were two little chairs covered with blue silk and satin . " I remember nothing at all , " said the dwarf , " before the day I found myself going along with a crowd of all sorts of people to the great fair of the Liffey . We had to pass by the king 's palace on our way , and as we were passing the king sent for a band of jugglers to come and show their tricks before him . I followed the jugglers to look on , and when the play was over the king called me to him , and asked me who I was and where I came from . I was dumb then , and couldn 't answer ; but even if I could speak I could not tell him what he wanted to know , for I remember nothing of myself before that day . Then the king asked the jugglers , but they knew nothing about me , and no one knew anything , and then the king said he would take me into his service ; and the only work I have to do is to go once a month with a bag of corn to the hut in the lonely moor . " " Well , then , listen to me , " said the fairy . " The Princess Finola was banished to the lonely moor by the king , your master . He killed her father , who was the rightful king , and would have killed Finola , only he was told by an old sorceress that if he killed her he would die himself on the same day , and she advised him to banish her to the lonely moor , and she said she would fling a spell of enchantment over it , and that until the spell was broken Finola could not leave the moor . And the sorceress also promised that she would send an old woman to watch over the princess by night and by day , so that no harm should come to her ; but she told the king that he himself should select a messenger to take food to the hut , and that he should look out for some one who had never seen or heard of the princess , and whom he could trust never to tell anyone anything about her ; and that is the reason he selected you . " " You will know that time enough , " said the fairy . " I have given you back your speech . It will depend solely on yourself whether you will get back your memory of who and what you were before the day you entered the king 's service . But are you really willing to try and break the spell of enchantment and free the princess ? " " The spear of the shining haft and the dark blue blade and the silver shield , " said the fairy . " They are on the farther bank of the Mystic Lake in the Island of the Western Seas . They are there for the man who is bold enough to seek them . If you are the man who will bring them back to the lonely moor you will only have to strike the shield three times with the haft , and three times with the blade of the spear , and the silence of the moor will be broken for ever , the spell of enchantment will be removed , and the princess will be free . " " Well , then , mount your horse , give him his head , and he will take you to the shore opposite the Island of the Mystic Lake . You must cross to the island on his back , and make your way through the water - steeds that swim around the island night and day to guard it ; but woe betide you if you attempt to cross without paying the price , for if you do the angry water - steeds will rend you and your horse to pieces . And when you come to the Mystic Lake you must wait until the waters are as red as wine , and then swim your horse across it , and on the farther side you will find the spear and shield ; but woe betide you if you attempt to cross the lake before you pay the price , for if you do , the black Cormorants of the Western Seas will pick the flesh from your bones . " The dwarf thanked the fairy , and said good - bye ! He then threw the reins on his horse 's neck , and started up the hill , that seemed to grow bigger and bigger as he ascended , and the dwarf soon found that what he took for a hill was a great mountain . After travelling all the day , toiling up by steep crags and heathery passes , he reached the top as the sun was setting in the ocean , and he saw far below him out in the waters the island of the Mystic Lake . He awoke at the breaking of the morning , and saw that he was almost at the water 's edge . He looked out to sea , and saw the island , but nowhere could he see the water - steeds , and he began to fear he must have taken a wrong course in the night , and that the island before him was not the one he was in search of . But even while he was so thinking he heard fierce and angry snortings , and , coming swiftly from the island to the shore , he saw the swimming and prancing steeds . Sometimes their heads and manes only were visible , and sometimes , rearing , they rose half out of the water , and , striking it with their hoofs , churned it into foam , and tossed the white spray to the skies . As they approached nearer and nearer their snortings became more terrible , and their nostrils shot forth clouds of vapour . The dwarf trembled at the sight and sound , and his old horse , quivering in every limb , moaned piteously , as if in pain . On came the steeds , until they almost touched the shore , then rearing , they seemed about to spring on to it . The frightened dwarf turned his head to fly , and as he did so he heard the twang of a golden harp , and right before him who should he see but the little man of the hills , holding a harp in one hand and striking the strings with the other . Towards midday he beheld what he thought was a black cloud sailing across the sky from east to west . It seemed to grow larger as it came nearer and nearer , and when it was high above the lake he saw it was a huge bird , the shadow of whose outstretched wings darkened the waters of the lake ; and the dwarf knew it was one of the Cormorants of the Western Seas . As it descended slowly , he saw that it held in one of its claws a branch of a tree larger than a full - grown oak , and laden with clusters of ripe red berries . It alighted at some distance from the dwarf , and , after resting for a time , it began to eat the berries and to throw the stones into the lake , and wherever a stone fell a bright red stain appeared in the water . As he looked more closely at the bird the dwarf saw that it had all the signs of old age , and he could not help wondering how it was able to carry such a heavy tree . When they had eaten all the berries , the young birds began to pick the decayed feathers off the old bird and to smooth his plumage . As soon as they had completed their task , he rose slowly from the hill and sailed out over the lake , and dropping down on the waters , dived beneath them . In a moment he came to the surface , and shot up into the air with a joyous cry , and flew off to the west in all the vigour of renewed youth , followed by the other birds . " Faint heart never won fair lady , " said the little harper . " Are you ready to pay the price ? The spear and shield are on the opposite bank , and the Princess Finola is crying this moment in the lonely moor . " " It 's your last trial , " said the fairy , " and now do what I tell you . Twist your horse 's mane round your right hand , and I will lead him to the water . Plunge in , and fear not . I gave you back your speech . When you reach the opposite bank you will get back your memory , and you will know who and what you are . " The dwarf urged the horse . He plunged into the lake , and went down and down until his feet struck the bottom . Then he began to ascend , and as he came near the surface of the water the dwarf thought he saw a glimmering light , and when he rose above the water he saw the bright sun shining and the green hills before him , and he shouted with joy at finding his sight restored . Slinging his shield upon his left arm , he plucked the spear from the ground and leaped on to his horse . With a light heart he swam back over the lake , and nowhere could he see the black Cormorants of the Western Seas , but three white swans floating abreast followed him to the bank . When he reached the bank he galloped down to the sea , and crossed to the shore . At last the knight reached the little hut . Three times he struck the shield with the haft and three times with the blade of his spear . At the last blow the hut disappeared , and standing before him was the little princess . Seven years ago , I visited the place called Dharansala , home of the Dalai Lama . The hillside town is seven thousand feet up the Himalayan Mountains . This town attracts many seekers . " The Traveler 's Hotline " assured us that the person to see was this legendary 24 - hour lama . A Buddhist monk who had gone without sleep for several years , he had achieved this remarkable feat by the simple technique of meditating instead of taking his " beauty sleep . " " He must be a wise person , " I thought as I set off for a 5 - hour trek to a remote monastery where their 24 - hour man resided . I figured that since he had so much time on his hands , maybe he would grant me an audience . Six hours later , I was ushered into a Spartan cell , where sat the man who had not dreamt in years . I was astounded by the Buddha - like tranquility he seemed to emanate . I felt humbled in the presence of this sublime being . I was furious ! A 5 - hour trek , a rucksack full of goodies to take as offerings - and now a 5 - hour walk back down a treacherous Himalayan trail . I was in a reflective mood : maybe I 'd expected too much . What did I want from him ? Instant enlightenment ? Some wisdom would 've been nice , but " Don 't leave on Saturday " ? ! Maybe this was some kind of Zen Buddhist paradox within this mundane phase that contained some great gem of wisdom , but dammit ! He was a Tibetan Buddhist ! ! On Sunday morning , waiting at the coach station for the bus that would take an arduous , 10 - hour journey down the vast mountain , my traveling companion stormed up to me and furiously exclaimed , " Bloody great ! A 3 - hour delay ! I just chatted with that policeman over there … he reckons Saturday 's coach had crashed with 14 people dead … The road 's blocked with rescue vehicles … Good thing we didn 't leave yesterday , like we wanted . " I was in a state of shock . My mind raced back to the beaming Buddha . I was filled with wonderment and joy . He had given me the perfect answer to my question . Had I left Saturday , there would have been no more spiritual progression . The mundane answer to my oh - so - important question was stunning in its magnificence . The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car . He leans down and says " Listen mister , I 've had a really lousy day , and I just want to go home . Give me a good excuse and I 'll let you go . " Once upon a time there was an old fox with nine tails . He did not believe that his wife was faithful to him and wanted to put her to the test . He stretched himself out beneath the bench , did not move a limb , and pretended to be stone dead . As soon as it became known that the old fox had died , suitors began to appear . The maid heard someone knocking at the front door . She opened it , and there stood a young fox , who said : Soon afterward there was another knock at the door . Another fox was there who wanted to court Mrs . Fox . He had two tails , but he did not fare any better than the first one . Then others came , each with one additional tail , but all were turned away until finally one came who had nine tails , just like old Mr . Fox . When the widow heard that , she spoke joyfully to the cat : " That 's the worst of living so far out , " bawled Mr . White , with sudden and unlooked - for violence ; " of all the beastly , slushy , out - of - the - way places to live in , this is the worst . Pathway 's a bog , and the road 's a torrent . I don 't know what people are thinking about . I suppose because only two houses in the road are let , they think it doesn 't matter . " " Twenty - one years of it , " said Mr . White , nodding at his wife and son . " When he went away he was a slip of a youth in the warehouse . Now look at him . " His three listeners leaned forward eagerly . The visitor absent - mindedly put his empty glass to his lips and then set it down again . His host filled it for him . " It had a spell put on it by an old fakir , " said the sergeant - major , " a very holy man . He wanted to show that fate ruled people 's lives , and that those who interfered with it did so to their sorrow . He put a spell on it so that three separate men could each have three wishes from it . " " The first man had his three wishes . Yes , " was the reply ; " I don 't know what the first two were , but the third was for death . That 's how I got the paw . " The soldier shook his head . " Fancy , I suppose , " he said , slowly . " I did have some idea of selling it , but I don 't think I will . It has caused enough mischief already . Besides , people won 't buy . They think it 's a fairy tale ; some of them , and those who do think anything of it want to try it first and pay me afterward . " " I won 't , " said his friend , doggedly . " I threw it on the fire . If you keep it , don 't blame me for what happens . Pitch it on the fire again like a sensible man . " " A trifle , " said he , colouring slightly . " He didn 't want it , but I made him take it . And he pressed me again to throw it away . " " Likely , " said Herbert , with pretended horror . " Why , we 're going to be rich , and famous and happy . Wish to be an emperor , father , to begin with ; then you can 't be henpecked . " Mr . White took the paw from his pocket and eyed it dubiously . " I don 't know what to wish for , and that 's a fact , " he said , slowly . " It seems to me I 've got all I want . " They sat down by the fire again while the two men finished their pipes . Outside , the wind was higher than ever , and the old man started nervously at the sound of a door banging upstairs . A silence unusual and depressing settled upon all three , which lasted until the old couple rose to retire for the night . He sat alone in the darkness , gazing at the dying fire , and seeing faces in it . The last face was so horrible and so simian that he gazed at it in amazement . ' It got so vivid that , with a little uneasy laugh , he felt on the table for a glass containing a little water to throw over it . His hand grasped the monkey 's paw , and with a little shiver he wiped his hand on his coat and went up to bed . " I suppose all old soldiers are the same , " said Mrs . White . " The idea of our listening to such nonsense ! How could wishes be granted in these days ? And if they could , how could two hundred pounds hurt you , father ? " His wife made no reply . She was watching the mysterious movements of a man outside , who , peering in an undecided fashion at the house , appeared to be trying to make up his mind to enter . In mental connection with the two hundred pounds , she noticed that the stranger was well dressed , and wore a silk hat of glossy newness . Three times he paused at the gate , and then walked on again . The fourth time he stood with his hand upon it , and then with sudden resolution flung it open and walked up the path . Mrs . White at the same moment placed her hands behind her , and hurriedly unfastening the strings of her apron , put that useful article of apparel beneath the cushion of her chair . She brought the stranger , who seemed ill at ease , into the room . He gazed at her furtively , and listened in a preoccupied fashion as the old lady apologized for the appearance of the room , and her husband 's coat , a garment which he usually reserved for the garden . She then waited as patiently as her sex would permit , for him to broach his business , but he was at first strangely silent . The old lady started . " Is anything the matter ? " she asked , breathlessly . " Has anything happened to Herbert ? What is it ? What is it ? " Her husband interposed . " There , there , mother , " he said , hastily . " Sit down , and don 't jump to conclusions . You 've not brought bad news , I 'm sure , sir ; " and he eyed the other wistfully . She broke off suddenly as the sinister meaning of the assurance dawned upon her and she saw the awful confirmation of her fears in the other 's perverted face . She caught her breath , and turning to her slower - witted husband , laid her trembling old hand upon his . There was a long silence . The other coughed , and rising , walked slowly to the window . " The firm wished me to convey their sincere sympathy with you in your great loss , " he said , without looking round . " I beg that you will understand I am only their servant and merely obeying orders . " It was about a week after that the old man , waking suddenly in the night , stretched out his hand and found himself alone . The room was in darkness , and the sound of subdued weeping came from the window . He raised himself in bed and listened . The sound of her sobs died away on his ears . The bed was warm , and his eyes heavy with sleep . He dozed fitfully , and then slept until a sudden wild cry from his wife awoke him with a start . " I only just thought of it , " she said , hysterically . " Why didn 't I think of it before ? Why didn 't you think of it ? " Her husband struck a match and lit the candle . " Get back to bed , " he said , unsteadily . " You don 't know what you are saying . " The old man turned and regarded her , and his voice shook . " He has been dead ten days , and besides he ? I would not tell you else , but ? I could only recognize him by his clothing . If he was too terrible for you to see then , how now ? " He went down in the darkness , and felt his way to the parlour , and then to the mantelpiece . The talisman was in its place , and a horrible fear that the unspoken wish might bring his mutilated son before him ere he could escape from the room seized upon him , and he caught his breath as he found that he had lost the direction of the door . His brow cold with sweat , he felt his way round the table , and groped along the wall until he found himself in the small passage with the unwholesome thing in his hand . Even his wife 's face seemed changed as he entered the room . It was white and expectant , and to his fears seemed to have an unnatural look upon it . He was afraid of her . He sat until he was chilled with the cold , glancing occasionally at the figure of the old woman peering through the window . The candle - end , which had burned below the rim of the china candlestick , was throwing pulsating shadows on the ceiling and walls , until , with a flicker larger than the rest , it expired . The old man , with an unspeakable sense of relief at the failure of the talisman , crept back to his bed , and a minute or two afterward the old woman came silently and apathetically beside him . Neither spoke , but lay silently listening to the ticking of the clock . A stair creaked , and a squeaky mouse scurried noisily through the wall . The darkness was oppressive , and after lying for some time screwing up his courage , he took the box of matches , and striking one , went downstairs for a candle . The matches fell from his hand and spilled in the passage . He stood motionless , his breath suspended until the knock was repeated . Then he turned and fled swiftly back to his room , and closed the door behind him . A third knock sounded through the house . " It 's my boy ; it 's Herbert ! " she cried , struggling mechanically . " I forgot it was two miles away . What are you holding me for ? Let go . I must open the door . " You 're afraid of your own son , " she cried , struggling . " Let me go . I 'm coming , Herbert ; I 'm coming . " There was another knock , and another . The old woman with a sudden wrench broke free and ran from the room . Her husband followed to the landing , and called after her appealingly as she hurried downstairs . He heard the chain rattle back and the bottom bolt drawn slowly and stiffly from the socket . Then the old woman 's voice , strained and panting . But her husband was on his hands and knees groping wildly on the floor in search of the paw . If he could only find it before the thing outside got in . A perfect fusillade of knocks reverberated through the house , and he heard the scraping of a chair as his wife put it down in the passage against the door . He heard the creaking of the bolt as it came slowly back , and at the same moment he found the monkey 's paw , and frantically breathed his third and last wish . The knocking ceased suddenly , although the echoes of it were still in the house . He heard the chair drawn back , and the door opened . A cold wind rushed up the staircase , and a long loud wail of disappointment and misery from his wife gave him courage to run down to her side , and then to the gate beyond . The street lamp flickering opposite shone on a quiet and deserted road . From time to time we landed at various islands , where we sold or exchanged our merchandise , and one day , when the wind dropped suddenly , we found ourselves becalmed close to a small island like a green meadow , which only rose slightly above the surface of the water . Our sails were furled , and the captain gave permission to all who wished to land for a while and amuse themselves . I was among the number , but when after strolling about for some time we lighted a fire and sat down to enjoy the repast which we had brought with us , we were startled by a sudden and violent trembling of the island , while at the same moment those left upon the ship set up an outcry bidding us come on board for our lives , since what we had taken for an island was nothing but the back of a sleeping whale . Those who were nearest to the boat threw themselves into it , others sprang into the sea , but before I could save myself the whale plunged suddenly into the depths of the ocean , leaving me clinging to a piece of the wood which we had brought to make our fire . Meanwhile a breeze had sprung up , and in the confusion that ensued on board our vessel in hoisting the sails and taking up those who were in the boat and clinging to its sides , no one missed me and I was left at the mercy of the waves . All that day I floated up and down , now beaten this way , now that , and when night fell I despaired for my life ; but , weary and spent as I was , I clung to my frail support , and great was my joy when the morning light showed me that I had drifted against an island . The cliffs were high and steep , but luckily for me some tree - roots protruded in places , and by their aid I climbed up at last , and stretched myself upon the turf at the top , where I lay , more dead than alive , till the sun was high in the heavens . By that time I was very hungry , but after some searching I came upon some eatable herbs , and a spring of clear water , and much refreshed I set out to explore the island . Presently I reached a great plain where a grazing horse was tethered , and as I stood looking at it I heard voices talking apparently underground , and in a moment a man appeared who asked me how I came upon the island . I told him my adventures , and heard in return that he was one of the grooms of Mihrage , the king of the island , and that each year they came to feed their master 's horses in this plain . He took me to a cave where his companions were assembled , and when I had eaten of the food they set before me , they bade me think myself fortunate to have come upon them when I did , since they were going back to their master on the morrow , and without their aid I could certainly never have found my way to the inhabited part of the island . Early the next morning we accordingly set out , and when we reached the capital I was graciously received by the king , to whom I related my adventures , upon which he ordered that I should be well cared for and provided with such things as I needed . Being a merchant I sought out men of my own profession , and particularly those who came from foreign countries , as I hoped in this way to hear news from Bagdad , and find out some means of returning thither , for the capital was situated upon the sea - shore , and visited by vessels from all parts of the world . In the meantime I heard many curious things , and answered many questions concerning my own country , for I talked willingly with all who came to me . Also to while away the time of waiting I explored a little island named Cassel , which belonged to King Mihrage , and which was supposed to be inhabited by a spirit named Deggial . Indeed , the sailors assured me that often at night the playing of timbals could be heard upon it . However , I saw nothing strange upon my voyage , saving some fish that were full two hundred cubits long , but were fortunately more in dread of us than even we were of them , and fled from us if we did but strike upon a board to frighten them . Other fishes there were only a cubit long which had heads like owls . One day after my return , as I went down to the quay , I saw a ship which had just cast anchor , and was discharging her cargo , while the merchants to whom it belonged were busily directing the removal of it to their warehouses . Drawing nearer I presently noticed that my own name was marked upon some of the packages , and after having carefully examined them , I felt sure that they were indeed those which I had put on board our ship at Balsora . I then recognised the captain of the vessel , but as I was certain that he believed me to be dead , I went up to him and asked who owned the packages that I was looking at . " There was on board my ship , " he replied , " a merchant of Bagdad named Sindbad . One day he and several of my other passengers landed upon what we supposed to be an island , but which was really an enormous whale floating asleep upon the waves . No sooner did it feel upon its back the heat of the fire which had been kindled , than it plunged into the depths of the sea . Several of the people who were upon it perished in the waters , and among others this unlucky Sindbad . This merchandise is his , but I have resolved to dispose of it for the benefit of his family if I should ever chance to meet with them . " When the captain heard these words he cried out in amazement , " Lackaday ! and what is the world coming to ? In these days there is not an honest man to be met with . Did I not with my own eyes see Sindbad drown , and now you have the audacity to tell me that you are he ! I should have taken you to be a just man , and yet for the sake of obtaining that which does not belong to you , you are ready to invent this horrible falsehood . " Throwing himself upon my neck he exclaimed , " Heaven be praised that you have escaped from so great a danger . As to your goods , I pray you take them , and dispose of them as you please . " I thanked him , and praised his honesty , begging him to accept several bales of merchandise in token of my gratitude , but he would take nothing . Of the choicest of my goods I prepared a present for King Mihrage , who was at first amazed , having known that I had lost my all . However , when I had explained to him how my bales had been miraculously restored to me , he graciously accepted my gifts , and in return gave me many valuable things . I then took leave of him , and exchanging my merchandise for sandal and aloes wood , camphor , nutmegs , cloves , pepper , and ginger , I embarked upon the same vessel and traded so successfully upon our homeward voyage that I arrived in Balsora with about one hundred thousand sequins . My family received me with as much joy as I felt upon seeing them once more . I bought land and slaves , and built a great house in which I resolved to live happily , and in the enjoyment of all the pleasures of life to forget my past sufferings . Once upon a time , there lived a Tiger in a forest . With the passing years , he became too old to hunt . One day , the Tiger was walking by the side of a lake and suddenly , a gold bangle came across his sight . Quickly he picked up the bangle and thought that he could use it as an allure to catch someone . As he was under the thought process , a traveler happened to pass through the opposite side of the lake . The Tiger instantly thought to himself , " What a delicious meal he would make ? " He planned a scheme to attract the traveler . He held the bangle in his paw making it visible to the traveler and said , " Would you like to take this gold bangle . I don 't require it " . At once , the traveler wanted to take the bangle , but he hesitated to go near the Tiger . He knew that it was risky , yet he sought the Gold Bangle . He planned to be cautious , so he asked the Tiger , " How can I believe you ? I know you are a beast and would kill me " . The Clever Tiger innocently said , " Listen Traveler , in my youth , I was wicked unquestionably , but now I have changed myself . With the advice of a Sanyasi , I have left all evil . Now I am all alone in this world and have engaged myself in kind deeds . Moreover , I have grown old . I have no teeth and my claws are blunt . So , there is no need to fear from me " . The traveler 's was taken in by this smart talk and his love for gold soon overcame his fear of the Tiger . He jumped into the lake to wade across the Tiger . But as per the plan of the Tiger , he got trapped in the marsh . On seeing this , the Tiger consoled him and said , " Oh ! You need not worry . I 'll help you " . Gradually he came towards the traveler and seized him . As the traveler was being dragged out , onto the bank , he thought to himself , " Oh ! This beast 's talk of saintliness took me in totally . A beast is always a beast . If only I had not let my greed overcome my reason , I could be alive " . However , it was too late ; the Tiger killed the traveler and ate him up . Like this , the traveler became victim of greed and Tiger was successful in his evil plan . The ta ' am ( melody ) that the Torah is chanted in is a very old and special melody . It has been handed down from generation to generation . Its ' roots are very deep . They are found in the mystical teachings of our religion . Some times people want to be innovative , to create a new melody . The following story is just that . Once there was a secularist who was very good friends with the Rav of the city . Even though this secularist differed in opinion from his traditionally observant friends , he still visited his old friend , the city Rav , on a regular weekly basis . On one visit , the secularist , began to complain to the Rav about the unchanging ways of the Traditional Jewry . " … And why can 't they update the tune to which the Torah is chanted ? " the secularist objected . " how many years can you continue with the same old tune ? Especially today when so many new and beautiful musical tunes and melodies are being brought into the world by inventive and creative composers . Answer me that ! " he demanded of the Rav . " I 'll have to think about it . Maybe you have a point . Perhaps next week I 'll be able to answer you , but for now could you do me a big favor ? I 'm short of money and if you could loan me 50 rubles , I 'll pay you back next week . " " Of course , " the secularist said , honored that the Rav would ask him for a loan . He reached into his purse , " here , take this ! " He handed over the money that the Rav requested . The next week the secularist came at his customary tea time and sat with the Rav , chatting amicably in the parlor . As the time pressed on , the secularist felt uncomfortable because the Rav had not offered to return him the money that he had lent to him so willingly and with out a note . Finally as the secularist began to leave , he turned to the Rav and said : " Pardon me for bringing this up , but did the Rav not promise to return today the 50 rubles that he borrowed from me last week ? " Yes ! How can you deny the good deed I did , loaning you the money . Don 't you remember we were chatting about the same old tune that has been used for the Torah reading for so many years ? You said perhaps you would give me an answer this week and then you asked to borrow 50 rubles . And now you deny it ! |
Hubby took Ms . D to a guide dog puppy training today . If anyone knows Hubby , you can understand that even the thought of having a puppy in our house is a miracle . Of course , he knows how important guide dogs are to people . We have a friend who is blind who just found out he couldn 't have one . There just aren 't enough dogs to fill the needs . So Hubby thought that if Ms . D will take care of the puppy , go to the trainings , do what it takes to get approved , and give it back to the organization when it is time , then she can do it . Of course Ms . D is so good with dogs , I think she will do a good job . So today they went to the first training . There were about a dozen puppies , people who trained , and a blind lady who explained things as well . As soon as Ms . D arrived , someone handed her a puppy to learn how to train during the class . Ms . D is a happy girl today ! The last few days I 've been a bit discouraged at times . When the kids are dysregulated , or act out in public places , I still feel like I 've not done a good enough job in raising them . And since being a wife and mother is my career , I take it personally . I make mistakes , a lot of them , and raising kids with FASD and past trauma isn 't easy . Add to that the normal angst of adolescence , and you get the terrifying roller coaster that is our lives . One minute my kids are hugging me and are attached , the next they flinch when I touch them . One minute they are calm and happy , the next they are raging , or sulking , or telling me they want to move in with their birth dad as soon as they hit eighteen . One minute one of them is listening to Christian music on the radio , the next minute the same child declares she doesn 't believe in God . One minute a child is mocking Hubby , the next he is happily engaged with him on some project . Sometimes I know what triggers their behaviors right away , sometimes I figure it out later , and other times I am completely in the dark . It 's all so complex . I was feeling pretty discouraged yesterday when we went to a larger gathering of house churches in our network . The kids hadn 't gone to the larger gathering for a while , so they were pretty dysregulated for the first part of the time . I was a bit embarrassed by their sulking and bad looks to me , and judged myself as being a bad mother for letting my kids act that way . It really got me down . Fortunately , the kids warmed up after awhile , and the message could have been spoken specifically to me . My worth as a person really shouldn 't be wrapped up in the behaviors of others . My worth comes from God , not from what I do , what others say about me , or how my kids turn out . I need to do my best , but not feel like I 'm a failure if my kids make bad choices . I need to be faithful in whatever God gives to me , keep my head up , and not worry about the outcome . Posted by My kids have the coolest opportunity to have ten lessons on horses and riding starting next week . They will learn about horses , how to take care of them , and even get to ride on the final three lessons . Today was the intro meeting . If you saw them there , you 'd think I was taking them to be tortured . Actually , if you saw them earlier today , you 'd think the same . They kept asking me if they had to go to the horse classes . I kept saying yes . They had to go . Even the woman from the intro meeting noticed their behavior and asked me if they wanted to do this . I told her that they do this with everything new . It 's sad , but true . They would have a fit about going to Disneyland ! It 's interesting how stressed out kids from hard places become when they are anticipating a change of routine , even if it 's something fun . Maybe especially if it is something fun . RAD can be so confusing ! When we first got the kids , Ms . D would scream every time we went to a happy place , the store , a park , or even an amusement park . Because she 'd scream that I 'm not her mommy , I kept some foster paperwork with me at all times . I was worried someone would call the police , though no one ever did . I 've learned to try to keep things routine , because they just can 't handle changes very well . Mr . I has been having a difficult time with change lately . Spring break was difficult . In anticipation of this class , he fussed much of the morning . By lunch time , he didn 't want to be near me and I was in tears . Fortunately I was able to pull it together while he played outside . On the way home from the meeting he started to rage , but I told him to control himself because the rain made it hard to drive . He said he couldn 't , but he did ! He calmed himself , asked to see a therapist because he " had anger management " , and wanted to know if Hubby or I can go to the class with them . Later he asked to watch a movie with me next to him and Hubby joined us . By bedtime , he was attached to Hubby and me . What a difference from this morning ! So this is one of those times that I 'm having to make the kids do something they don 't want to do . It 's not fun for any of us , but I know they 'll like it once they get used to it . The classes will be at a regular time for a month , so hopefully they 'll see it as routine . Mr . I loves horses and Ms . D loves animals . It will really be good for them , no matter what they say now . So I 'm being a mean mom and making them go . Yes , they have to go ! When people hurt me , my first response is usually to become shocked , angry , and a desire to get back at that person in some way . You hit me , I hit you back , is the way toddlers fighting over a toy deal with conflict . And it 's not limited to young children . Wars have been fought , divorces and relationship breaks happen , and neighbors squabble . Of course , when Jesus came on the scene , He taught us to change this kind of behavior . Love your neighbor as yourself , forgive seventy times seven , and bless those that persecute you . This is not typical human behavior , and no matter how hard I try to do it , I just don 't have the strength sometimes . I 'm so thankful that I can ask God to help me , because without His help , I 'd be like the little toddlers slapping each other silly ! Lately , it seems like God has been giving me a lot of practice in showing grace , or blessing those who hurt me . When my kids rage or are dysregulated , I have a choice to either get all angry and lash out , or calmly wait until the storm is over before I guide them to a better way of handling their fear or anger . Guess which way works better in helping them to act more socially correct ? Kids with RAD often lash out at the mother figure . It 's not easy to react with love , peace , and playfulness when a kid is throwing things at you , hitting , or yelling profanities . Now , my kids have outgrown some of the most difficult behaviors , and the rages are a lot less frequent , but I still have plenty of opportunity to practice grace . I had a chance to show grace today with Birthmom . I have plenty of reasons to lash out at her . She pickled the kids ' brains , neglected them , and kept them in an abusive situation . Unless God heals , they have mental and behavioral scars that will last the rest of their lives . They 've had to work so hard to overcome things that children should never have to worry about . When we first got the kids , Birthmom called CPS on us , saying I beat the kids up . Actually , I was the one with bruises ! We then had an inspector coming to our house , which still gets my heart going after all these years . And lately she hasn 't wanted much contact with the kids , even though she had raised their hopes . I could try to retaliate . But nothing can make up for the heartache the kids , our family , and I have had to go through because of the choices Birthmom has made . It 's sad . Really sad . So today I brought some bread over to bless Birthmom and the family during a surprise visit . The kids got to see her and there were hugs all around . It 's interesting how , when I bless someone who has hurt me , my heart changes and I feel love towards that person . I still have boundaries . I can 't be stupid about trusting someone who isn 't trustworthy , but the love is there . And when I show love to someone who doesn 't deserve it , I 'm better able to receive God 's love . Because after all , I don 't deserve His love either . I fall so short . But He loves me anyway . A neighbor came to us today to tell us that she had a swarm of bees in a box behind her house . Hubby went right over and collected them . Hopefully the buzzy girls will like their new home . Hubby put a post on a board at work to see if anyone would like a hive at their house . We want to keep our beekeeping legal , and so we are limited to two hives in our city . It 's amazing how in a few hours , a number of people are interested in having a hive at their home , but don 't want to bother with a new hobby . I didn 't realize so many people would want bees in their gardens , but bees are so good for pollination . I guess I 'm not the only crazy one around ! While visiting Cane Creek and Bankakut in Rama Territory , Nicaragua last summer , Hubby met a man named Jimmy . We got word yesterday that Jimmy was murdered on his farm this week . The Rama people are an indigenous tribe that has land set aside for them in Nicaragua 's eastern coast . There has been a number of Hispanic people who have illegally encroached on their territory and cause problems for the Rama and the environment . The Hispanics have been known to steal cattle and not treat the land well . And now there is strong suspicion that one of them killed Jimmy . Jimmy leaves behind a wife and five children who are in their teens and twenties . Hubby is hoping that one of Jimmy 's children will continue to farm , but there is so much fear . Jimmy was one of the leaders of the Cane Creek area and welcomed Hubby when he visited . They had great talks and got to know each other then . Hubby was hoping to help Jimmy to find a USA market for the chocolate he grew on about five acres . Hubby has been greatly saddened by this . He 's hoping to help Jimmy 's family through his non - profit . Jimmy Harvesting Chocolate Today the plan was for me to go to a homeschool conference . I would attend learn about leadership , help a friend with her workshop , and later be joined by the rest of my darling family . We would learn , enjoy sweet fellowship with other home schoolers , and try to not spend too much on curriculum . Good plan . I drove in rush hour traffic to the conference . I saw an almost accident right beside me . A car had to stop quickly in traffic right next to me because his lane stopped suddenly . It was a good thing that I kept going because he skidded 90 degrees , sticking out into both lanes beside him . No one got bumped . It was pretty impressive . I was able to attend the first half of the homeschool leadership conference . Then at the lunch break I got a message from hubby that Ms . D finally woke up and was having pseudo - seizures . She had a sore throat for two or three days , but there were no spots or white patches so I just waited and watched . But the combo of a sore throat , fever , cramps , and seizures were more than the rest of the family could handle , so I went home to make a doctor appointment for her . She had another seizure while I was home before we had to leave . Hubby went with us to the doctor because , one , I didn 't think I could carry all 100 lbs . of Ms . D if she had another seizure , and two , I planned to go back to the conference to fulfill my promise to help out at my friend 's workshop . Ms . D had a hard time at the doctor 's so I ended up staying the whole time , thus missing my obligation to the conference . I hope they understand . So I 'm going to stay home the rest of the day . I need to practice being a better homeschool mom instead of learning how to be a better homeschool mom . Maybe I 'll be able to go tomorrow if my older daughters can hang around and help her . But right now , Ms . D is needing her mommy . Today I gave Mr . I a summer faux hawk haircut . I would have liked to shorten the top a bit more so he could spike it better , but he wanted the top long . But it really doesn 't matter too much . Since I cut it myself , we can play around with it without guilt of wasting close to $ 20 each time he changes his mind . Do you notice he 's wearing a sweatshirt ? It got close to 80 degrees today , yet he insisted he wasn 't too hot to wear it , even in the middle of the day . He just got the sweatshirt a couple of weeks ago , so in a way I can see his excitement . But I did ask him a couple of times if it wasn 't too hot for him to wear it . He insisted he was comfortable . I know he 's twelve , but he over responds to some sensory stimuli and under responds to others . Sometimes he gets thirst , hunger , constipation , and overstimulation mixed up . I want him to learn to dress for the weather and have more independence . Fortunately we live in CA , where the temperature is fairly moderate . But what will we do the next few days when the temperature is supposed to be over 90 ? I watched a kindergartener across the street yesterday . He brought home a silly book about Uncle Ugby , who can 't dress for the weather . In the summer he wears leather and in the winter he goes out in his underwear . I rolled my eyes a bit because Uncle Ugby sounds just like Mr . I ! People look at others in preconceived ways . In some ways it 's part of the human condition , and a way we can quickly decide how to relate to someone before we get to know them . Some of those boxes we put people in are valid and keep us safe . I 've done it myself . I 've locked my car doors in a high crime neighborhood when I saw a group of young guys hanging on the side of the road by a stop light . I 've told my young children that if they ever got separated from me and are lost , go to a mom with kids , a police officer , or if in a store , to a worker at the checkout counter . Unfortunately , these boxes we put people in are not perfect . We judge people on the color of their skin . There are pedophiles out there who seem like nice guys in the neighborhood . People expect our kids to be able to do things they just aren 't mentally and emotionally able to handle . I can 't tell you how many times educators , doctors , and others criticized me or my kids because they don 't " look " a certain way . They thought the way I handled discipline , homework , rages , or whatever else was wrong because they had put my kids in a certain box that just didn 't fit . I 've had a few educators who were supposed to be special ed experts tell me that Ms . D didn 't " look learning disabled " , and wasn 't far enough behind in school to even test her . What does " looking learning disabled " mean ? They thought the problem was we weren 't practicing the homework enough , or not reading to her enough , or not doing something , because otherwise she 'd do better . It was Ms . D 's work ethic and my fault she was struggling . Later we found out her IQ is pretty low . That 's why she struggled ! They had thought I was an enabler when I was trying my best to be an advocate . When Ms . D was in the hospital with the pseudo seizures , I told the neurologist that Ms . D was diagnosed with FAS and that might be a cause of the problem . He looked at me and said , " She doesn 't look FAS . " I told him that some of the FAS features fade a bit after puberty . I didn 't tell him , but I was wondering if his extent of knowledge of FASD is a textbook picture of a white kid with FAS . I really don 't make up the FASD label to get more attention , because I 'm lazy , or to let my kids get away with things . I do it to help my kids to grow and to change their environment , so that they can better relate to the world . It takes a lot of energy to advocate for my children . Sometimes I make good decisions that don 't make sense to others . Sometimes I make mistakes . Sometimes I second guess myself . Parenting a child with a hidden disability is difficult , not just because of the problems we have to overcome or work around , but its difficult because others have unrealistic expectations of your child . People wouldn 't think of criticizing a child with Down Syndrome if that child couldn 't do a school task . Yet my daughter has a similar IQ , and people still expect her to be at grade level because she looks so " normal " . My son , who isn 't as quite as affected prenatally by alcohol , has emotional , sensory , and regulation problems . Mix that with RAD and past trauma , and we find ourselves in situations that others just don 't understand . I have to parent him and his sister differently than I had my other kids . I let some things slide . Other times it 's more important for me to calm them before any discussion of their actions happens . Sometimes I have to ask myself if I 'm being an enabler , or an advocate . It 's pretty confusing , and I know my kids ! Sometimes I wish the world would look at my kids the way God looks at them . Sometimes I wish I 'd do the same ! In the meantime , I need to learn how to be a better advocate for my children , for people with FASD , and for others with disabilities that are hidden and don 't fit in people 's preconceived boxes . Because when we understand the roots , and help others to understand , then we can help our children to grow to be the kind of people God intended for them to be . This evening Hubby went to his class , we were out of milk , and a new Walmart opened in town . So I got the great idea of taking an exploratory expedition with Microbio daughter and the kiddos . Sounds fun , right ? This did not sit well with Mr . I when I told him the plans as he walked in the door . First he didn 't want to go . Then he did . When I told Mr . I to eat something before we left , he said he wasn 't hungry . Then as I got my jacket , he said he needed to eat something first . Instead of eating the homemade chicken pot pie I made for supper , he wanted leftovers . I told him that was OK , but after I said that , guess what ? He wanted to eat what we ate . Then he said he didn 't want to go with us to the store . At this point I told Mr . I he had no more choice . He had to go with us . So on the way to the store , his leg started to itch . He yelled that his leg was too itchy and he had to go home . Now ! I had Ms . D pass some lotion back to Mr . I for his leg . No , he didn 't want lotion , he had to go home , now , to take a shower . He was scratching his leg so hard by this time , he didn 't complain that it itched . Now it hurt . Bad ! He wanted to go home ! Couldn 't I understand ? I understood . Mr . I was afraid to go to a new store with me . He would never admit it , but he was . Fortunately , everything went well . The signs were the same . The products were the same . We found a $ 5 DVD of 25 John Wayne movies . Mr . I loves John Wayne movies . As we were looking in the bin , an older man told us a corny joke about a man who lost his left arm and left leg , but everything was all right . Mr . I laughed . And he survived . Nothing bad happened at the new store . I was hanging my clothes outside , when I noticed a helicopter circling above . Soon after , a bee started dive bombing me . Normally those little girls are so gentle , but this one was really mad ! So I went inside for a few minutes to let her cool off . But the half filled clothes basket and a few weeds were drawing me back , and I didn 't wait for the helicopter to leave . That was a big mistake because the bee started after me again and got caught in my hair . I brushed it off , but she stung me on my forearm . I immediately scraped the stinger off with my fingernail , but I also had a handful of blackberry brambles . I scratched myself with those when I was scraping the stinger out . I then went into the house , put some ice on the sting , and then some baking soda paste . It really worked ! The pain went away , and I actually have larger welts from the blackberries than I do from the sting ! So I learned something today . A few things , actually . If someone is mowing or if there is a helicopter , don 't get impatient . Stay away from the bees until after that awful noise stops . Another thing , scraping the stinger out with your fingernail works well , and it keeps the poison from getting into you . But if you are holding blackberry brambles , drop them first ! Also , ice and baking soda paste work well to keep the swelling down . I 've heard using meat tenderizer is good too , but I don 't have it . Speaking of learning about insects , the field bug guy came by again to check the traps in our citrus trees . I talked to him a bit about the insects in our garden , about his job , and how he 's been collecting bugs since he was a kid . I wish my kids were not as shy around people I want them to meet . It would have been good for them to learn a little about entomology . It 's puzzling how they will bring a scruffy looking 18 year old into our house that says he is a relative on their birth family 's side , yet they won 't come out to our front yard with me and talk to an entomologist that can teach them something . It 's not like I 'm leaving them alone with a stranger ! I went to my homeschool moms ' group this evening . I specifically picked this one because so many of us have kids with special needs . Because of this there isn 't the subtle competition to outdo your neighbor , as there had been in other groups . No , in this group , women are real . We are transparent . My kids and I aren 't shunned because they may rage , or say or do something inappropriate . We can love and be loved unconditionally . Encouragement and prayer are given and received . Advice is handed out with humility , and permission is given to not follow that advice if it doesn 't work for your family . And though we all have kids in different places academically , spiritually , and psychologically , I see I 'm not alone . Some of the kids in our group are gifted , and some struggle , but they are all accepted . There is the recognition that none of us is perfect , and we are all growing . So tonight I was able to tell of last week 's struggles , the rages , pseudo seizures , and even the playing with fire incident I didn 't write about here until now . I was also able to hear of other women 's struggles that reminded me I 'm not the center of the universe . It 's so easy , when I 'm in the midst of a crisis , to think that I 'm the only one who is struggling . But a pity party of one is not fun ! I also love my group because those who aren 't struggling now , have struggled in the past . I think that 's where the humility comes from . They are an encouragement to me to keep looking to God , and press on to finish the race . There is hope . There is peace . There is joy . Last night really knocked the wind out of me emotionally . Today I was pretty useless . I read half of a book , The Secret Piano : From Mao 's Labor Camps to Bach 's Goldberg Variations . I did a little housework . I tried to spend a little time with each of the little ones . Mr . I had a football practice . I dropped him off , but he didn 't want me to wait around to watch it like last week and arranged for a friend 's mom to take them home . I did take him shopping for some socks , but he was a bit detached and wanted to play with friends right after I got him lunch . The same with Ms . D . Her heart wasn 't into spending too much time with me . I just didn 't have the energy to actively bring either one of them to a healthy attachment with me today . I even cried when I was alone on the way home from dropping Mr . I off at football . The kids probably sensed my weariness . So when I got home from taking Ms . D shopping , I gave Microbio Daughter some lunch money and asked her to take Ms . D out . Anywhere . And it was wonderful . She took her to a park and Ms . D loved the geese , herons , and dogs . Ms . D named one of the geese Beauty . She told Microbio daughter that when she has kids , she 's going to make them walk more . This shows me she had fun , because she is usually so reluctant to walk without a dog at the other end of a leash . Then they went out for lunch and went shopping at the mall . I do not like the mall , and am so glad that they did it together . Ms . D was much more attached when she came back from the sister time . I don 't know what I would have done without Microbio daughter . She was able to do what I couldn 't today . Hubby was awesome today too . This morning he delivered bread to a few churches in the area . Some had ways to distribute the bread easily , and so it worked out really well for us that we got a van load yesterday . Hubby wasn 't able to get his homework until late Friday evening and it was due early this evening for a class he is taking . We had church at our house last night , and so he didn 't have that much time to work on it . He also had a Skype meeting to do some work for a side business . Then he got a call from work . The storm Thursday night knocked the power out and today when they got power back , the computer systems were messed up . Hubby needed to help in some way . Don 't ask me what he had to do , it 's all Geek to me , but it took time also . Then our neighbor came to our door . There were some honey bees going into his attic through a ventilation hole and were starting to congregate by his front door . Hubby geared up in his bee suit , crawled into their hot attic , and found out the bees were just scouts from a swarm . All he had to do was plug the holes and the rest of them left . My Hubby is just awesome ! He was a Superman today in so many ways ! My grandson was also over this afternoon for a few hours , which I really enjoy . As he and my kids came in , I accidentally bumped an almost empty jar of olive oil , and a full jar of fig jam . The glass shattered all over my ceramic kitchen floor . My son and daughter in law helped me sweep and wash the floor . I wasn 't doing a very good job , and slightly cut my hand twice . You 'd think I 'd be smarter about that kind of thing , but I was just so out of it today . Fortunately the rest of the night went smoothly . Tomorrow is the first Monday after Spring Break . I have a dentist appointment in the middle of the morning . I 'm also hoping that the kids and I will be able to start schoolwork and settle back into a schedule . It will be interesting to see how this transition goes . I won 't have Hubby or the older kids to help me like they 've helped me this weekend . But I 'm thankful for all their support . I really couldn 't do it all without them ! Today we had church at our house . While people were coming in , Mr . I decided to take revenge on a twenty something year old drugged out neighbor who pushed him a few weeks ago . So he went to the kitchen , took some eggs , and lobbed the eggs at the back of the guy 's house while jumping on the trampoline . The guy 's parents came over and started yelling at Hubby about the kids . Mr . I denied doing it , of course , but there were eggs missing in the refrigerator . Mr . I escalated and started yelling at Hubby , which might be a first . He almost always saved his rages for when he was alone with me and Ms . D . When Hubby grabbed Mr . I 's shoulder to get his attention , Ms . D , who was keeping her eye on the situation , completely freaked out . Most sisters would secretly be glad their brother was getting in trouble , but Ms . D really over reacted . She started shouting , slamming doors , throwing up , and then passing out in the bathroom and pseudo seizing . All of this happened while we had about a dozen people here for a church meeting , including another neighbor . I guess now the people in the church know first hand what I mean when I tell them my kids rage , seize , or freak out . When I saw Ms . D passed out in the bathroom , I picked her up and took her to a lady who was sitting in the family room . I asked her to pray for Ms . D . My friend is a therapist who I knew would understand and not be frightened by her shaking , and I was in still shock from everything that was happening . I also needed to comfort Mr . I , who was calming down and feeling really bad about causing such drama . He 's usually pretty disturbed when she seizes , and this time his actions started the whole thing . I 'm so glad people prayed in the other room while everything was happening . She shook for quite a while , about half an hour . Finally , Mr . I confessed to Hubby and they hugged and reconciled . He then went to Ms . D , told her he was fine , and comforted her . When she came to , Ms . D and Mr . I were kind and loving to each other , to Hubby and I , and to the rest of the people here . 2 . He should talk to us if something like this happens again . He was afraid that if he told us that the guy pushed him and we confronted the guy , we would cause him to take it out on Mr . I in some way . Mr . I was really afraid the guy and his friends would jump him . And egging the guy 's house and angering the parents wouldn 't do that ? 3 . The people in the church understand a little better what we have to deal with . I 'm not exaggerating . I 'm not making things up . They got to see what Ms . D 's seizures are like and their effect on Mr . I . We aren 't perfect . Hubby also understands what it 's like when Mr . I rages . 4 . Fortunately , Mr . I 's rages aren 't frequent . But we 've had two in one week , which is a cause for concern . 6 . I didn 't have to deal with this situation alone . I had my friend there to help me with Ms . D while I was trying to help Mr . I . She also understood that Ms . D wasn 't just reacting to what happened tonight , but she was reacting to what happened when she was little . Other people encouraged Mr . I after he confessed . 7 . Hubby really did a good job of reconciling with Mr . I . I didn 't realize until now how frightening it was for Hubby to see Mr . I rage . Hubby understands . 8 . My kids feel loved , not rejected . The kids seem to be even better attached after this situation , rather than cutting us off . We had lots of hugging time this evening after people calmed down . 10 . Hubby finally got to meet the guy 's parents . This isn 't the first time we 've had problems with the guy , he tried to pick up on Ms . D when she was 11 , but it will be good to have an excuse to get to know them better . I won 't have the kids interact with them , given the guy 's behavior toward Ms . D and his history of supplying the neighborhood kids with drugs , but maybe Hubby can take them some cookies or something and let them know we talked to Mr . I and he won 't egg their house again . Sometimes these crazy situations turn out good . It may not , but we can try . 11 . Mr . I and Ms . D did a clapping game after the drama . It 's interesting how they , without prompting , did an attachment exercise . I think it helped them to get their bearings in some way . Mr . I had a really hard time the other day when he was anticipating a science night at Hubby 's work . I can 't tell you how exhausted I was after a day of rages and dysregulation . Maybe that lady on Obama 's team who criticized stay at home mothers should spend a day or two in my shoes . I don 't think anyone would be able to pay her enough to do what I do for no pay ! But back to the topic . Mr . I had a really hard time with a changed schedule and a relatively unknown event . Last night I let him stay over night at a friend 's house again . This friend is pretty calm and laid back , and they both do better together than when they are apart . But I was pretty worried when about midnight a thunderstorm came by . I prayed that the electricity wouldn 't go out , since that is one of the triggers that has caused fear and dysregulation for both of the kids in the past . My older kids always thought it was pretty fun to light candles and bring out the flashlights . But the electricity was turned off for at least a few days before the little ones were taken from their birth family , so it makes sense that it would be a trigger for fear . Fortunately , we didn 't lose power , but I thought that I 'd get a call from Mr . I because of the thunder . The kids aren 't used to thunder here in California . But he didn 't ! He stayed at his friend 's all night and told me he thought the storm wasn 't that bad . Whew ! Then tonight , Hubby and Microbio Daughter went to Stanford to see Heidi Baker , a missionary from Mozambique . My kids have seen a video of her ministry to the orphans and poor . I kind of wanted to go , but I thought the kids would have a hard time and I didn 't have the energy for two days of dysregulation in one week . I have no idea how I handled it when the kids first came and there were rages or odd behaviors every few minutes . Those kind of days wipe me out now ! I 'm glad the kids have healed as much as they have and those times are rare . Maybe it 's harder to handle because we have so many good days . Maybe it 's because I 'm a bit older ! When Mr . I came home from playing with friends tonight , he asked where Hubby was . I told him that Hubby was with Microbio Daughter to see Heidi Baker , and Mr . I asked , " Is she the one with all those kids ? I want to go see her too . " Unfortunately , the meeting had already started , but I am so impressed that Mr . I would want to see a missionary so badly . Maybe it 's because , in the video , he saw her love for kids without parents , and he relates to those kids in some way . Maybe it 's because Mr . I really has a lot of compassion , just like Ms . D and others in the birth family . Sometimes I like to remind the kids of the good things they inherited from the birth family , and the love and compassion they have for others is easy to spot . That compassion is just a bit buried by the hard lives the family has gone through . But it 's there . And I try to encourage that in the kids and build up their birth mom by reminding her of that compassion . When one of the kids is having a good day , sometimes the other one surprises me with something not so good . Today , when Photography son was here , Ms . D got a call from her older brother 's girlfriend . She wanted Ms . D to come over to her place and hang out . Fortunately , Hubby told Ms . D no , because we don 't know her family very well . She could come here , but Ms . D couldn 't go there . Ms . D was a bit disappointed , but that 's OK . We need to keep her safe and only let them be with the birth family when we are with them . So because of Ms . D , I 'm glad I chose to stay home tonight . A quiet night watching The Voice with her seemed to cheer her up . Sometimes I can head off bad surprises by keeping things calm and peaceful . Other times they are totally unexpected , and it takes a bit for me to get over my shock and realize what just happened ! One thing is good though . God is not surprised by anything my kids do ! After yesterday 's drama about not wanting to go to the SLAC kids ' night , Mr . I and Ms . D enjoyed themselves ! They came home happy , attached , and even told me their favorite parts of the night . They both liked the 3D simulation of the universe . The stars seemed to swoosh right by their heads . I don 't know if they learned much about dark matter , but they certainly have a greater awe of creation ! Mr . I was worried beforehand that the lecture on the laser imaging of fossils would be dull , but he said he really liked it . Ms . D told me about how she learned that flamingos are only pink because of the shellfish they eat , and that they fade if they don 't get the right food . Hubby told me that scientists are close to discovering the colors of fossilized birds by using a laser to find the trace elements found in the fossils . They also measured the width of their hair and ate ice cream made by pouring liquid nitrogen into the ingredients and stirring . Of course , Hubby said that it took the kids a while to settle in and relax . Ms . D had a time where she got overwhelmed by the crowds and asked to step out for a minute . But they were happy and involved for the last half of the night . I 'm glad they went . It really wasn 't that bad ! Today I have just a little reminder that Mr . I has special needs too . Things have been going more or less smoothly . All I had to do was halve his age to get his emotional age and go from there . I just think of him as being younger , which helps when he has fears and behaviors that are more in line with a 6 - 8 year old , instead of a 12 year old . I 'd worry about a 12 year old who can 't go to a certain room of a house or is afraid of the dark if the curtains are slightly open , but it 's understandable for a 6 year old to have those kind of fears . I don 't get as frustrated , he is calmer , and all is well . . . . . . Until we do something like " make " him and Ms . D go to a science night at Hubby 's work . Today we did just that . We prepared him ahead of time , telling him a couple of days in advance the plans for this evening . He has gone to events at Stanford before , and seemed to enjoy some of them , especially the ones oriented towards children . I am thrilled to get an evening off and have them do a little science for their schoolwork . But this isn 't what we normally do on a Wednesday night . And additionally , we are in the middle of spring break , kids coming to our house , our kids going to their friends ' houses . Mr . I slept over night at a friends last night and the probable lack of sleep didn 't help matters either . This combination of disrupted schedules , hyper stimulation , and a lack of sleep is not very good for a kid who is on the edge already because of past trauma and FASD . So today Mr . I had a full on rage in the van while we went grocery shopping . He hasn 't had one of these in ages ! He started simmering this morning and didn 't want to go anywhere with me . I did not trust him to be home alone in this state , so I had him come . I got the " look " . Then when we were driving , Ms . D rode shotgun while Mr . I slouched in the back of the van , as far as he could get away from me and still be in a seatbelt . While I drive , the person in shotgun gets to pick the music . And Ms . D found Justin Bieber . Like many young teens , she really likes him . * Big sigh * . The problem was that Mr . I does not share the same taste in music . He does not like Justin Bieber . At all . So Mr . I yelled to shut the music off . Now ! Did I shut the music off ? No . So Mr . I escalated . He kicked . He punched the window . He screamed to the passing cars that I was kidnapping him . He did show some self control though . When he tore the headrest off the seat in front of him , he threw it at the back of my seat instead of my head . Progress ! Because of the rain , I needed to ignore the excitement and concentrate on driving . I smiled . Did you know that when you smile , your brain follows your facial muscles ? Try it . A happy face can bring happy thoughts , well , most of the time . I asked Ms . D , " How am I doing ? " . She smiled and said good . We left Mr . I in the car at the farm stand , but he pulled himself together and joined us . When we got home , I didn 't mention the rage . He was a bit dysregulated , but not too bad . He couldn 't decide what to eat . So I left him alone . After a little while he asked if I could sit down and watch " The Blind Side " with him . We ate popcorn and he fell asleep on my lap . Mr . I did much better . But just before the time to go with Hubby , the county called with information on a horse program . I am going to * make * the kids go to that too . They weren 't happy about that . So we 'll see how things go tonight . They 'll probably have a lot of fun once they get their bearings and calm down . Even if they don 't have fun , I will . If I just enjoy how I handled Mr . I 's rage today with peace and love , rather than with frustration and anger , it will be a good evening . But I think I 'll get a few things done around the house , which will help me feel more at peace . Maybe I 'll even crank up the music . I can 't believe I 'm the only one here ! I 'm riding shotgun in the house , God is in the driver 's seat , and I can assure you , there will NOT be any Justin Bieber songs playing in here this evening ! Photography Son sent some pictures of our bowling outing the other day . The lighting in the bowling alley was horrible for pictures , so I was surprised that we got some good ones out of it . There were colored lights , it was dim , and the shadows cast were sharp . If my son can get some decent pictures with this lighting , imagine what he could do with better light ! Not all the pictures were taken by him , he is in a couple himself , but I 'm pretty sure he tweaked a few of them before passing them on to me . He knows how much I love to see pictures of the family , and I 'm not so discriminating as he would probably hope ! I love just about all of them ! The pictures , that is . . . I love ALL of my family ! As I 'm writing the captions down for these pictures , I 'm realizing I need to figure out some better nicknames for the family . I haven 't even figured out anything for my beautiful daughters in law . And if I get any more grandsons , I 'll be in a bind . Maybe my family can let me know what they would like to be called . . . Hint , Hint ! Before it starts to rain again , I feel the urge to get control of my yard . I had let it go again , so it 's been very overgrown . So yesterday I put in quite a bit of time and finished weeding a bed this morning . Because I try not to use chemicals on our plants , being as organic as possible , the answer to the mess was a lot of muscle work ! I really felt the muscles this morning , especially the back of my legs and arms , so maybe I 'll work off some of the weight I gained this winter . I gave weeds from the back yard to the chickens and rabbits . They really like to munch on them , especially the blackberry vines . We planted what was supposed to be thornless blackberries a few years ago . Some were thornless , but others weren 't . I 'm still pulling those things up . They are so hard to get rid of ! At least the bunnies enjoy them ! I also picked 25 pounds of lemons from the lemon tree . It hardly made a dent ! Citrus keeps better on the tree than after they are picked , but I need to pick the rest of the lemons before they go much farther . We 've been harvesting so many lemons this year . We had a bumper crop . These are the lemons after I picked them . There was exactly 12 . 6 pounds of lemons in each bag for a total of 25 pounds . Hubby squeezed one of the bags last night and got almost half a gallon of lemon juice . I 'll freeze some and make lemonade out of the rest . I just got an app for my phone to help me keep up with the housework . I 'll write a review after using it for a week or so . I added doing a little gardening each day so that I keep up with it . If I 'm going to grow as much food as I 'd like , I can 't let things go . My brother in law was here from Seattle for the weekend , so I texted the family while I waited for Mr . I to finish his first football practice . And just like a flash mob , we gathered people from all over . We actually got the whole family together for pizza and bowling . There were thirteen of us , parents , uncle , all of our children and their wives and boyfriend , and of course , my little grandson ! It isn 't often that we can get everyone together , but the older kids , well , young adults , were going to have a sib night anyway . I really like it that they get along well enough to set aside time to spend together . Not all families are that close . I 'm really thankful that they love each other and love each other 's company . We had a fun time eating , talking , bowling , and getting teased by Uncle . It 's always a happy time with him . Hopefully , I 'll get some more pictures of our evening from my sons . I always think of it after the fact , but I have to remember to get pictures of the whole family when we are able to get everyone together in one place . It 's getting harder and harder as the family grows . I just get so excited to see everyone that I forget to get more group shots . I love my family ! Last night I read a disturbing post . One friend had a cartoon picturing the same sized brains for three different " races " of people , and a tiny brain with the word racist below it . I agree with this cartoon . In fact , if I was able to completely erase the word race , I 'd be a happy camper . As Martin Luther King Jr . said in his " I Have a Dream " speech , " I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character . " What was disturbing to me was not my friend 's post , but what one of her friends wrote below it . In it she said the small brain was a Republican one . It disturbed me because someone was grouping a diverse part of the country , lumping them together , and dehumanizing them . It worries me when I hear of people lumping others in groups based on the color of their skin , religion , political leanings , or other arbitrary grouping . It worries me when after putting people into these groups , people become the targets of jokes , persecuted , or shunned . It worries me that there seems to be an increased tension between people lately , not based on their character , but on the color of their skin , their religion , or political affiliation . It hurts to be called racist , stupid , and uncaring just because I may tend to vote a certain way . It hurts because of my own pride . But it also hurts because people are judging me , not for what I have done , but because I may have a different political viewpoint than them , or because my skin is a certain color , or because I 'm a Christian . It is also prideful to think that if someone doesn 't completely agree with you , or look like you , that he or she is less of a person . I don 't know where all this will end . People in our country are becoming more and more violent , and more polarized based on some of these things . I wonder if one of the reasons there seems to be more racism is because some think it would be a way to promote their cause , whatever side they are on . I hope not . I pray that God will be able to break down every wall we erect between each other , and with God . And I pray protection over our country , and that brother will not fight against brother , but we will be a blessing to our neighbors , whatever religion , national origin , or political viewpoint . There 's nothing like embarrassing teenagers ! I always joked about how it was my job of a mom of teens to embarrass them so much , they move out on their own when they hit eighteen . Of course , this didn 't work well for the younger siblings , who saw that the twenty somethings would boomerang back home . It 's a lot harder to live independently in the Bay Area than in most of the country . Rent is so expensive . Well , today I had a chance to embarrass Ms . D and horrify another teen waiting in line at In & Out . I asked for a hat , and told the teen 's mother what I was about to do . You should have seen the shock on the face of her daughter ! I don 't know if the girl was afraid of me , who would dare to wear the hat in front of all the people in the place , or if she was afraid her mom would do the same . But she was wide eyed and open mouthed just the same ! I followed through , and put the hat on . Ms . D ran out , declaring she didn 't know me ! Of course , I had to get a picture by the door ! You can 't see Ms . D because she is hiding behind the car . I think I may have embarrassed her , just a little ! Last Friday , Blackbelt Daughter and I went to an education workshop together . She is studying child development and is planning to get her teaching credential so she jumped at the chance to come with me . I was warned ahead of time that there would be a bit of marketing of education services or books , so I wasn 't surprised by that , but I was still able to glean quite a few things from the night . I learned about working memory and some things to do to improve it . I realized that this is the area that Ms . D has a lot of difficulty . The program the presenter offered is $ 1500 for five weeks , and they weren 't sure it would help Ms . D , but I think this is an area that I can try to work on in our homeschool . I 'll have to do a bit more research to see what we can do to stretch her reading comprehension . A couple of the things they taught were to verbally say three numbers , like 5 , 8 , 3 , and then having the child point to the numbers in reverse order , 3 , 8 , 5 . Another is to show nine dots on a grid , rotate the grid , and the child needs to press on the same dots where they are on the second view . I 've seen this one before , but it really showed how most people are consumed and focused on the problem . We focus on what is important to us . The speaker used this to demonstrate that if we focus on failure we will justify failure . We need to focus on the solution , not the problem . We should not ask WHY , but what else can I do ? He encouraged us to shift our energy and awareness , to walk while we pray . He had us all sit like we were feeling good , and to practice sitting , walking , standing in ways that make us feel great as often as we can . It projects confidence and energy whatever we do . And he told us a couple of his dangerous words that he wrote in his book . One is hope , because it projects no confidence , another word was try , because it means to attempt and a lack of commitment . He encouraged us to visualize success , to think more of celebrating after a test than on the test itself . And finally he talked about " lucky people " who had two commonalities . They expected to succeed and they took action . After the workshop , my daughter and I had a sandwich and talked about how we could use some of the information learned with the younger kids . Easter break starts Friday , so I 'll work on planning to implement something that I learned during this workshop . It works best for me to implement a few things at a time , rather than completely change our routine . Earlier today I needed to get outside for a little bit . One friend had her appointment with the neurosurgeon because the doctor found a brain tumor last week . The news was better this week . It is , according to the doctor , the best kind of tumor to have if you 're going to have one , but I 'm still concerned . She was our amazing social worker when we were still fostering our kids . She later adopted a child , and really understands what we have gone through , so she has a special place in our heart . I also got news of another friend 's sister - in - law in her early thirties who died suddenly today and a shooting at a Christian college . I need to get better at praying and then giving burdens to God . I feel so deeply for all of these people . Getting out in the fresh air , looking at the beauty of God 's creation , helps me to focus on the good in this world . So I climbed the ladder and took a little break . Our roof garden is coming along nicely . I haven 't been doing much with it , and it probably needs a little fertilizer , but things are still growing . I think we 'll be able to harvest some kale soon . I like to be able to get a little here , and a little there , just pulling the outer leaves off a bit at a time . I had to move after a few minutes , though . I noticed that I was in one of their flight paths to the entrance , and didn 't want to have a little bee get caught in my hair . It 's good to see how active the colonies are right now . In a week or two we 'll check to see if the queen is laying brood . Sometimes the anticipation of an event is a whole lot worse than what really happens . We worry , we play different scenarios in our head , and we know that things won 't go well . Today I was doing that . I was wrong . Our evening went so well with the family that seemed to rub me the wrong way . We were able to get to know each other better . And though we are so different in personalities , we have a lot more in common than I had imagined . Would it have been easier to just avoid them ? Probably . But I would have missed out on the richness of spending a good evening with people who have a similar vision and a heart for God and people . Mr . I was doing a similar thing just before bed . Hubby was talking to Mr . I about going on another backpacking trip this summer . So Mr . I started to worry . He started to fret . He was not a happy camper . Their backpacking trip last summer really wasn 't so bad , and he had a lot of fun . But you wouldn 't think that if you saw the look on his face tonight . Last night we were able to meet the kids ' aunt while we dropped off some more bread after church . Birthmom , Tia , and an uncle who died are triplets , so it was fun seeing the family resemblance . Tia had some of the same mannerisms as Birthmom and Ms . D . Tia joked about how so many of the family stare in mirrors for a loooong time , and that 's what Ms . D does ! Tia wanted to pray with us , though the kids were very reluctant . I hope the kids ' stage of pushing God away doesn 't last much longer . It 's pretty hard for me . Today we are having a family over for dinner . I hope it goes well . One of them is the person who rubbed me the wrong way a few weeks ago during the homeschool meeting . It will take all the strength I have to bless and not lash back if he continues to offend me , but it might just go well . However it goes , it 's not good for me to continue to think badly of the guy and hold an offense in my heart . Since it is not a professional relationship which I can just ignore and find someone else , I 'm going to have to deal with it sooner or later . In the meantime , I 'm pretty anxious about our get together tonight . I am a woman who is trying her best to follow Jesus in the midst of being a wife , a mom of six , two by adoption through foster care , and grandma . I 've called myself Mommy Linda since the two youngest came into our lives and found themselves with two mamas , one who brought them into the world , and one who has the terrifying , yet awesome responsibility of raising them . I used to homeschool the two youngest kiddos , but now that we moved , they are in school . Once I unpack all the boxes and work on the house , I 'll have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up . I love to be creative and make things that last more than a few hours . I am married to an awesome man who is a super alpha geek , which I am most definitely not ! Our lifestyle has changed from city life in California to living in a small island community in the Northwest . Life is an adventure , and writing helps me to put it all into perspective . |
Tagged with : ADHDanxietybehaviorbipolarchallengesdepressionfriendsManic Episodesmental illnessparentingregulationself - regulationSensory Processing DisorderSpecial NeedsTantrums Walking On Eggshells Will Just Hurt Your Feet In the past few months , I have been coming to the realization that I sometimes revert back to the ' eggshell ' behavior of my past . Not all the time , but in certain moments , when I know the kiddo is in a bad place , I have been letting him have his way . Why have I been doing this ? I am not sure . Maybe it is because I have been trying to get my own head on straight lately . Maybe it is easier than dealing with a blow up . Maybe I have been trying to be ' nicer ' to help repair the rough relationship he and I fell into while he was trying to home - school last semester . Whatever the reason , I am over it now . I am tired of tiptoeing . Just to prove it , I had another one of my ' meanest mom in the world ' moments a couple of weeks ago . Since starting his new school in January , our mornings had been getting worse . He was refusing to wake up and get ready . The private school he is attending only has a 4 day school week … . but he was missing 1 or 2 days every … . single … . . week . In the state of Georgia , it is the parent 's responsibility to make sure their child is complying with the school attendance law . If your child is absent a specific number of days , they call a meeting . If they continue to go miss school , parents can be fined ( or go to jail , although I have never heard of that actually happening ) . In CJ 's case , his medical issues can be brought up in the initial ' meeting ' and they drop the whole thing . For kids that don 't have medical issues , the only way to take the consequences off of your plate and hand them over to your child , is to file a complaint against them yourself . I kept thinking about this over the past few months . CJ was turning 15 this month … . I thought it was about time for him to have to take legal responsibility for his poor decisions . A couple of weeks ago , after a particularly manipulative morning argument , I told CJ that if he did not go to school that day , I would be heading out to the courthouse to file papers . He didn 't believe me …… so he stayed home . Since I work from my home office , he didn 't venture out of his room all day . When I logged off my computer , I called out that I was running an errand and left the house quickly . I drove straight to the courthouse and filled out the paperwork needed … . I didn 't want to stop anywhere in between , I wanted to maintain my determination . They gave me a court date and I headed home . While I was driving home , I got a call from the bonus kid to pick her up from school . When I got home , and Megan was with me , CJ assume that the ' errand ' I ran was to get her . He had a ' know it all ' smirk on his face when he said " Ohhhh , that 's where you went " . I replied " You know exactly where I went and your court date is on the 12th " . I never saw somebody 's face change so quickly ( and given that I have a bipolar child , that is saying a lot ) . He spent the next couple of weeks thinking that he was going to miss his birthday because he was going to jail . My real mean mom moment came when I didn 't correct him . Up until the day of his hearing , I let him believe that there was the possibility of him going to juvenile hall . I knew that this hearing was just a part of an intervention program that our county had put in place … . but I let him think otherwise . The judge was soft - spoken , but tough . CJ shook through the entire thing and promised , emphatically , that he would most definitely go to school …… and he has . Last week marked the first time all year that he got up and went to school every day . It also marked the first week in years that we didn 't fight every morning . He got up early , got dressed and was out the door on time every day . He knew that manipulating me or fighting with me wasn 't going to help him … . . it was out of my hands now . As parents of kids with disabilities …… any disabilities … . we sometimes forget to step back and ask if the ways we ' help ' our kids are really helping them at all or are they hurting them … . and us , in the long run . When CJ was little , his developmental coordination issues hindered him from easily tying his shoes . I thought about it and came to the conclusion that it wasn 't a big deal … . it wouldn 't hold him back in life . When all else failed , there would always be slip - ons . I need to start doing that again … . in every aspect of his life . I need to start looking outside our house again and help him make decisions from the world 's perspective … . not my mama bear , over - protective … . sometimes , over - exhausted point of view . Knowing that refusing to go to school would hurt him was an easy one … . but there are other decisions that we make on a regular basis that aren 't as cut and dry . For kids that deal with bipolar disorder , the slightest thing can send them into a manic tailspin . Should I not say something that might upset my child ? Should I not push him to clean his room or take a shower because he will flip out about my ' controlling ' him ? Should I let him live with is illusion that the world revolves around him ? Those seem like easy questions to answer , but when you live with a child that could snap at any moment … . it isn 't as easy as you think . My answer to all of those ……… he is eventually going to have to learn to live by society 's rules . Society will not walk on eggshells for him … . . why should I ? Tagged with : ADHDanxietyAutismbehaviorbipolarcaregiverschallengeseducationmental illnessparentingSensory Processing DisorderSpecial NeedsTantrums Don 't Take it Personally I have been told by many doctors and psychologists not to take things my son says or does personally . This can be nearly impossible to do at times . It 's especially hard when he says cruel and hurtful things to try to get me to lose my calm . In the middle of major meltdowns or manic episodes , I am usually able to keep my cool and help guide him to a better place . The times I have challenges in this aspect is when his actions affect others . Like when I know he is going to make us late for an appointment , or to school , which will then delay his doctors or bother school friends that get upset if he is not in class . I also tend to get more upset if I know that he has damaged property or hurt feelings . These are the things I don 't process easily . My son knows how to push my buttons , he knows when I am at my breaking point and will use it to inch me over the edge . I am well aware that this is not a bipolar thing … . . this is a 13 - year - old thing . I joke all the time that I am the president of the ' I Hate 13 ' club . I am pretty sure I hated 13 when I was 13 . The problem in our life is that a normal teenage action can turn into something more . There are days when something as simple as waking him up in the morning can become an epic battle . My son is aware that I tend to be a bit frazzled in the mornings . He knows that I stress about getting him out the door and he will use that to get me frustrated . Like a lot of teenage boys , there are mornings when my son will simply refuse to get out of bed . How do you challenge that ? He is not a little kid any more . I can 't pick him up , get him dressed and put him in the car . He is taller than I am and I can 't quite figure out a way to handle this type of situation … . yet . We have attempted both reward and consequences . In that time and moment , he simply doesn 't care what he might lose or gain . It 's also in those moments that he knows that I am at a loss . I am still trying to teach myself ways to stay relaxed in these situations . Until I figure that out , he knows he can use this to try to control my feelings …… but I am not supposed to take it personally . Ever since he was little , if my son is in the midst of a meltdown , he gets destructive . It started with physical violence towards me . Usually kicking and scratching until I bled . As he got older , he would punch walls or throw things . When I remarried , we moved into my husband 's house which was surrounded by many flowers . If my son was in a fit of rage , he would go outside and behead the flowers , simply because he knew we enjoyed them …… but we were not supposed to take it personally . Growing up , my son would always tell me that all he wanted was a normal life in a normal house with two parents . When we purchased our new home in GA , my husband and I were so excited to have this beautiful house that we could create that type of life in . The day we moved in , we set up a game room in the basement for my son . It didn 't take long for him to start taking out his anger on the walls . Within six months of living here , I had to spackle and repaint the walls in the basement and in his bedroom . I have watched him when he takes a stick or golf club to the walls . He gets this look on his face that challenges me to stop him . He knows it will upset us to damage this home that we have worked so hard to have …… . but we 're not supposed to take it personally . In an answer to our holey wall problem , I have taught my son how to spackle . I also got him involved in a painting project in the basement . We created life - size silhouettes of him and his best - friend all over the walls ( pictured above ) . My hope when doing this was that he would take personal pride in the space and will be less likely to damage it . Since we have done this last November , he has only put one hole in the basement wall , so it seems to be working . I know that I have been told time and time again not to take things personally , but sometimes I think it is important for things to be personal . My son needs to understand how his actions make other people feel . He needs to know the hurt and pain he can cause to the people who love him . Walls can be spackled and painted , but it 's not so easy to repair a damaged heart . Tagged with : anxietybehaviorbipolarchallengesmental illnessparentingTantrums Music , Laughter , Furry Friends and Ellen DeGeneres When you have a child with bipolar disorder , or any neurological disorder , it is important to know what their triggers are . It is also very important to find regulation tools . A regulation tool is a means to allow them to reorganize their brain in an effort to calm down . If you find effective ways to do this they , in turn , will start learning how to self - regulate . One of my son 's favorite ways to get ' out of his head ' , as we put it , is to lose himself in song . He loves to sing , dance and simply listen to music . I know this is common of most teenagers , but for him , it is a way to shut off all of the excess , anxiety - riden thoughts in his brain and relax . In recent months , his anxiety attacks have been getting worse during the school day . He is a regular in the nurse 's office and I get a call to pick him up at least once a week , if not more . I have taken to turning up the radio in my car as I pull up to the school . This way , as soon as he gets in , the first thing he hears is a song . It will relax him and actually be a tool to start a conversation in an effort to divert his brain from the stressors that caused his anxiety attack at school . He will ask " What do you think the person was thinking about when they wrote this ? " . That will give me a chance to dissect the lyrics with him and talk about love , relationships and friendships as seen through the eyes of the song writer . I will then apply it to his life and sometimes it will help me get to the heart of his challenge that day . It is true what they say , laughter really is the best medicine . We have come to find that , even on the worst of days , if my son can find a way to laugh during a manic episode , it will immediately stop his actions . There is a trick to this , I have found . I can 't be the one to try to make him laugh . If I attempt to be humorous while he is in a rage , it will agitate him even more . He feels as though I am making fun of him , and that goes over like a lead balloon . We have realized that funny or stupid videos are the key . Once I learned that episodes of America 's Funniest Home Videos were on Netflix , life got a little bit easier . If I look him in the face and tell him that he needs to go downstairs and watch AFV , he knows that I feel he is on the verge of losing control . Sometimes , I don 't have to tell him . There are times when he will say " I can 't talk to you " and go down to his game room in the basement . Shortly after , I will hear gales of laughter coming up the stairs and I know that the direction of our day has changed for the better . Animals are another outlet for my son . Although he is very articulate and can communicate extremely well , he much rather talk to the animals . When he was younger , my mom used to take him to a local farm . He could sit for hours and converse with the goats . He recently had some equine therapy sessions and even though he loves horses , he rather sit in the goat pen playing with the babies . It has taken some convincing that we can 't have a goat at home . One of the options we have been considering , that was recently suggested by his psychiatrist , is a therapy dog . There are some programs that provide service dogs trained specifically for bipolar patients . The dogs can wake them up in the morning , remind them to take their medication and help calm them during an anxiety attack or manic episode . We have weighed the option of simply adopting a dog to keep him company against going through the process of applying for a service dog . This morning my son told me that he would prefer a service dog because it will be trained to stay calm if he is melting down . He is concerned that an average dog would get scared and bite him if he is out of control . We are still discussing this since , even though we know it will be good for him , it is still a big responsibility to bring a dog into the home …… especially when we deal with more than the average family on a daily basis , both emotionally and financially . Where is a place where you can find everything I mentioned above ? That 's right , on Ellen . She always has great music and funny videos … . . especially funny animal videos . My son and I have always enjoyed watching Ellen together , but I didn 't realize how much her show helped him until last year . After a meltdown that culminated in a suicide threat , my son had been taken to the hospital by the officer on duty at his school . They wanted to evaluate him before sending him on to a mental health facility . The work up included bloodwork . As I have said in a previous post , my son has an immense fear of needles . When he realized that they were going to take blood , he started to panic . I asked him if it would help if I turned the TV on . It just so happened that Ellen was on and doing one of her pranks with Dennis Quaid , which my son loves . He kept his eyes glued to the screen . The nurse came in and he barely flinched when she took his blood . As the nurse was heading out , she said " You should get some rest , do you want me to turn the TV off ? " . My son got a worried look on his face and in a desperate voice said " No , I NEED to watch Ellen today . " . In the year and a half since , I have used Ellen as an ally in my daily battles . Her show airs at 4 pm here . I make sure it is on when my son walks in the door after school at 4 : 30 . I know how his day has been by how he shuts the front door . If it is a loud slam , I tell him to come to the living room and sit for a minute . I don 't talk or ask him how his day went . I just turn up the TV a bit . As he catches a glimpse of it he will visually relax into the sofa and start smiling . That is when I will ask him about his day . Since he is now calm , he can relay his frustrations of the day to me without getting overly worked up . We will sit and watch the end of the show together and then move on with our evening . I have found that our days end a lot smoother when I do this . So thank you , Ellen . Although my son has many other interests and hobbies , they don 't all help him refocus his negative or manic energy . It has taken us a long time to find the tools that work . Most of the time you will know immediately if something is helpful or hurtful . My suggestion is to take the time to simply watch your child in their daily activities . Look at their face …… really look at it . You know your child . You will know when they are truly happy or content . Pay attention to what they were doing when they had that look . You may find regulation tools that you weren 't even aware of , if you are trying to seek them out . Tagged with : ADHDanxietyAutismbehaviorbipolarEllen DeGeneresLaughtermental illnessparentingSensory Processing DisorderTantrums Ask Before You Judge I have read blogs about ' things you shouldn 't say to an Autism parent ' , ' things you shouldn 't say to a pregnant woman ' or ' things you shouldn 't say to someone with anxiety ' . We have to be realistic , people will always say things they ' shouldn 't say ' . People will always judge and try to tell you what you are doing wrong if you are not doing things their way or living a life they understand . Maybe instead of just telling people what they shouldn 't say , we should educate them . These are a few of the comments that have been made to me or my son over the years . When all of our challenges started , I sometimes believed them . They made me doubt myself as a parent . So here are my answers to them and to others that may have had the same thoughts . It is not just a discipline problem . Children with bipolar disorder , and most other neurological disorders , have issues with impulse control . When they have tantrums , in their mind , there is a real reason for it , it is not just about getting what they want . Yes , there are kids that learn to use meltdowns for manipulation … . . so parents , please be cautious . I am not saying that kids with bipolar don 't need discipline . Of course they do , all kids do . Without it they do not decipher right from wrong , or our expectations of them in our homes or within society . I am saying that lack of discipline is not the cause of their illness or behaviors that go along with it . Yes , this was said to me by his 1st grade teacher who didn 't want to put him through to 2nd grade . At that time , he struggled with reading and writing , but not enough to hold him back . Her only reason for doing so was because of his ' need to be a leader ' all the time . My answer to her was " I believe you just described every President of the United States . " . Yes , bipolar kids have controlling personalities , but I don 't think it is that they want to control people , it 's more or less that they pretty much think the world revolves around them . It is a bipolar trait to be very self - centered . I am not saying that they are selfish . It can actually be quite the opposite . If things are going right in their world , they would probably be the first ones to help you or give you the shirt off their back . If things are going wrong in their world , however , they usually feel that everyone needs to stop regardless of what they are doing and make things better for them . If people out there think that physical and verbal abuse or destructive behavior is normal in a child , it makes me sad . It makes me wonder " What type of life did this person have to make them think this is normal ? " . No , it is not normal for a child to tell his parent they want to watch them die . It is not normal for such violent behavior that you have to create a ' safe room ' in your house with no breakables or sharp corners . It is not normal that I have to keep spackle on hand for the vast number of holes that end up in the walls of our house or that we had to lock up my son 's archery equipment , because we just couldn 't trust him with it anymore . I guess in a way , it became true … . . because this is now our normal . This one wasn 't said directly to me , but about me . My mom happened to be in the waiting room while I had my son in an exam room . You could hear his meltdown throughout the office . My mom immediately stood up , walked over to the window and in an angry voice said " She is here BECAUSE she is taking care of him since clearly there is something wrong . Do not judge people when you do not know the situation . " . I 'm so glad I have my mom on my side . I am very cautious now when finding doctors . My first question is , " Do they deal with special needs kids ? " . If the answer is yes , then I know that not only the doctor , but the staff might be just a little more understanding of our situation . I have come to create a separation in my mind between bad behavior and bipolar behavior . Generally , my son behaves pretty well . He has amazing manners when out in public . He is very charming and personable with people that he meets . Since being in the south he has taken to saying ma ' am and sir . He also has bad behaviors . He can be very disrespectful when asked to do homework or chores . He refuses personal hygiene practices and , when around his friends , I know that he swears … . . although he is smart enough to not do this around me . These are teenage things . They are the headaches that all parents go through when raising a teenage boy who rather be on the computer playing Minecraft than doing just about anything you ask of them . No , I don 't excuse his bad behaviors , but I do attempt to explain his bipolar behaviors . This was said to my son by his first therapist here in GA . I was sitting outside the office door one day and I overheard his session . I realized that everything he said during session seemed like hearts and rainbows . On the way home I asked him why he was pretty much lying to her about everything . He said , " Mama , I have to lie . If I tell her the truth she says that I am wrong . I approached her about this and she said that the power of positive thinking was more effective than I realized . Hey , I know that being positive is powerful … . believe me , it takes a lot of positive thinking for me to get out of bed some mornings , but you can 't smile bipolar away . That 's not how this illness goes . For parents going into this struggle , know that not all therapists are going to be a good fit for your family . Don 't feel bad about moving on . The most important thing is your child and finding someone who can communicate well with him / her and with you effectively . Yes , another teacher comment … . but this one was said to my son . I don 't know if it was meant the way he took it . She may have been having a bad day and like all adults was frustrated and just ' didn 't want to deal ' . He felt that it meant that she didn 't want to be his teacher and she rather not have him in her class at all because she hated him . Here 's a note to all teachers out there , we tell kids all the time that words can hurt . Well , for kids with mental illnesses or neurological disorders the perception of words can hurt more than the actual words . These perceptions can be fueled by the tone of voice or look on someone 's face when they 're said . If you have a kid come into your class with an IEP , don 't just read it , look at what the diagnosis is and then study up a little on the illness . Find out symptoms , common behaviors and possible triggers . Take some extra time to talk to that child 's parents , they will be a wealth of knowledge on what motivates their child and what shuts them down . It may not only help the child you are teaching , but it just might give you a greater understanding and compassion for your co - workers that devote their careers to special needs kids . Tagged with : ADHDanxietyAutismbehaviorbipolarchallengesmental illnessparentingSensory Processing DisorderTantrums The Winds of Change For those who have lived in both the north and the south , you will know that the wind is different down here . It seems to circle a different way than I ever experienced before . It tends to be louder and blows stronger . It sometimes comes out of nowhere . That 's how I felt about our life during the first few months after moving here . My son fell in love with life in the apartment complex . There were dozens of kids that he could hang out with . He was out riding his bike and playing football every afternoon . We had never lived in a place where he could walk out the door and have any number of kids right there , ready to hang out . The problem was , he enjoyed it so much and relished in the freedom it gave him , that he fought any rules regarding coming home . Once he did get home , he would fight everything that was said . I know , I know , all kids buck the system in adolescence . The difference was , when he pushed back , he literally pushed , shoved , hit and kicked . He has this way of emotionally manipulating a situation . He starts out being obstinate in an effort to get his way . When it doesn 't work in his favor he gets agitated , he will clench his jaw and ball his fists . He essentially pushes himself over the edge . I have learned to differentiate between the look on his face when he is manipulating and when he has truly lost control , but there is a fine line between the two . The fact that he was forcing himself into a manic state was maddening . It showed us that he needed more work on his coping skills , since he obviously had some sense of control . The trick was teaching him to use it for good instead of evil . I scheduled another appointment with the psychiatrist we had seen after we first moved . I explained that the explosive and abusive behavior had started again . She asked if I would be willing to try a new medication in addition to the Risperdal he was on . At this point , I was willing to try just about anything . She started him on Depakote . Again , we saw a drop in behaviors . He had begged for me to home school him when we were in NY . I thought this transition was the perfect time to try it . I would be working part - time from home and would have more time to spend moderating his on - line program . We had decided to break up his school day and allow him to ride his bike or go for a walk for 15 minutes between each class . Initially , this seemed to help . Very quickly I realized that he thought not having to go to a school building , meant not having to do school work . One afternoon , while waiting for his friends to get off the bus , he mentioned that he wanted to start going to school again . He realized that , even though school was hard , he liked being around other kids all day . This was a relief for me . I knew he needed more structure in his day than I could give him , not to mention the damage this process was doing to our relationship . We live in a fairly large town geographically , so there are four middle schools . We enrolled him in the school assigned to our area of town . It didn 't take us long to figure out that it was a bit of a nightmare . It was difficult sending a kid who didn 't think twice about equality and acceptance into a racially charged school . At first he thought some of the kids treated him poorly simply because he was new , that is hard on any kid , but when he was told that they didn 't want him to join the anime club because he was white he came home a ball of tears and confusion . He said " What does my skin have to do with anime ? " . It was shortly after that the physical threats started . It had gotten so bad that he would have a panic attack just walking in the front door . I approached the special ed director and asked her what we could do . I was having a hard time convincing him to go to school . She suggested that if we move him to another school in the district , maybe he would feel safer . This was fine with me , since we were looking for houses in different areas and he would probably be switching schools shortly anyway . It took about a week for the transfer paperwork to go through . It happened to be the same week of the benchmark testing . The principal was helpful by letting my son take all of his tests in the conference room attached to the front office . This way , he wouldn 't feel like he was walking into the school and wouldn 't have to maneuver his way through the crowded hallways . The following Tuesday he started at the new middle school . As part of the transfer , I had to agree to drive him , since there wasn 't a bus available from our apartment . We headed out a bit early , since it was a 25 minute ride and I wasn 't quite sure where I was going . Once we got there , they gave us a tour of the building and we met the principal and office staff . They all seemed very willing to accommodate all of his needs . When I picked him up that afternoon I asked him how it went . He said it seemed ok , but that was probably because he didn 't talk to anyone , but maybe he would try tomorrow . The next day happened to be my birthday and it turned out to be a horrible day , but a blessing in disguise . I woke up to a smiling face and breakfast in bed . My son had gotten up early to help my husband cook and he was in a great mood . We got ready and started out to school . While we were in the car , I noticed him getting antsy and fidgeting in his seat . As I pulled up to the entrance to let him out , he refused . He started crying , saying he couldn 't go in . I pulled out of line , since I was holding other parents up , and parked in a space . I figured , if I gave him a little time to talk through his feelings , we would be ok . He still refused to go into the school . He did eventually get out of the car and sit on the ground . I decided to go into the school to see if the counselor was available . I thought maybe talking to somebody other than me could help . Both the counselor and the principal came outside with me . When my son saw them come out of the building , he took off . The school is in a wooded area and set very far back from the road . He had no idea where he was or where he was going . The counselor went inside to get the police officer that was on duty at the school . The police officer told me to pull my car back around to the entrance and he would go get my son . By the time the officer came back , he didn 't have my son … . but he did have his shoes . Apparently , my son attempted running into the woods and came across a red ant pile . They covered his feet and socks . In a panic , he took off his shoes and tried to keep running … . . but his feet weren 't too happy with the rough , pine - covered ground , so he stopped . That was where the officer found him . He tried to convince him to get into the patrol car and come back to the school . My son said he would walk back . The officer reminded him of his shoes , but my son didn 't want to pick them up because of the ants . I saw my son walking in his socks back across the parking lot , head down looking defeated . He came up and sat on the curb in front of the school . The principal and counselor both attempted at talking to him , to let him know that this school was different from his last one and that there was no reason for him to be afraid . The tears started again and then he looked at me and said ' You just don 't get it , do you ? I don 't want to be here . It 's too hard to be anywhere . It would be so much easier if you would just let me kill myself " . In that moment , all decisions were taken out of my hands . Once suicide is mentioned on the school grounds the police can step in . The officer pulled me aside and said that I could take him to the hospital or he could take him . In that moment , I knew that if I took him to the hospital on my own , it would be the same as every other time we were in this situation . Maybe , if an officer took him , they would have to pay attention to the fact that this is not just some over - concerned mother . After being evaluated at the hospital they determined that they wanted to ambulance him to a psychiatric facility in south Atlanta . By that time my husband had left work and met me , so we went home to pack my son a bag and headed down to the facility . When we got there , they had my son in an in - take room and said that he wanted to speak with me . He said ' Mommy , I love you , I would never kill myself . I am too afraid of being hurt . Please don 't leave me here . " It was heartbreaking . He was so angry when he found out that they were going to keep him there for at least 4 days . By the time we left , he said he didn 't love me anymore . My son ended up staying there for 7 days . It was determined that they would add Zoloft to the list of meds he was on to help with the anxiety and depression . Throughout that time , I got phone calls from his doctor every day . She really took the time to listen because she wanted to know all that we had gone through . At the end of each call she would tell me that he was in good care and that I should take this time to get some rest myself . I had no idea how she thought that was possible . At the end of the week , she told me that after reading his records , talking to me and spending time with him , she was pretty positive that he had bipolar disorder . To be sure , she wanted me to take the extra step of having him evaluated at a specialized autism center , where they would do a deeper evaluation than had been done when we were in NY . At the end of the evaluation at the autism center they confirmed that his diagnosis by the psychiatrist was correct , his diagnosis was bipolar disorder . It 's bittersweet to be validated as a mother , being told something you knew all along , when at the same time you are finding out that your child has a mental illness that he will live with for the rest of his life . In the year and a half since that diagnosis we have had our ups and our downs . My son still struggles with school and controlling his emotions both there and at home . On the bright side , we moved into our new house . My son has made 2 amazing best friends . My husband and I have joined a support group for caregivers and we have met other families that understand what our daily life is like . My son 's medications help him function through each day . He is still seeing that wonderful psychiatrist and we have added an amazing therapist to our team . This move and all of its changes proved to be a bit of a refresh button for us . It helped us determine a path for treatment and a fresh start for our family . If ever we are having a bad day or I am missing my family and friends , I think back onto a day last spring . It was shortly after we moved into our new house , my son and I were driving into town to go shopping . The sun was out and the sky was blue . He was gazing out the car window and he sighed deeply . I asked if he was ok and he said " I just realized how happy I am and how much I love it here . Thank you , mommy . " . I want to thank you all for getting to know us a bit . I know our story took me days to tell , and may seem long and tedious at times … . . but that is life with a bipolar child . From here on out , my posts will be more topical . If there are any behavioral challenges or topics you would like to read about , let me know . I will also be working with a special ed professional to get some informative posts out there as well . Tagged with : anxietyAutismbehaviorbipolarchallengesmental illnessparentingTantrums A Stormy Journey - Part 3 2009 / 2010 was an eventful year for me and my son . After years of intermittent bad dates and short - term relationships with men that simply couldn 't understand or accept the challenges we lived with , I met a guy who truly cared to take the time to get to know us , all the good and the bad . Christmas day , he proposed to me , and that meant major changes to come for all of us . Getting married meant moving 3 hours away , to where my fiancé lived with his 2 boys . This excited my son . He had asked me for years for a step - dad and siblings . The day we got engaged , my son was ready to move in , but we had some additional planning to do before we could pack up our apartment and move across the state . We decided to move over the course of February break . Initially , the move went pretty well . Like our first move 5 years earlier , my son adapted easily . Our biggest challenge came when he started his new school . It was a small school , with kids that had been together for years . Although my son had a best friend in his previous school , they had met in kindergarten and his friend accepted all the idiosyncrasies that came along with the friendship . My son didn 't blend well with these new kids . He would come home on a daily basis upset , telling me that he just wanted to be normal . He didn 't like being different . He didn 't like having to be pulled out of class for counseling or to take his tests , as stated in his IEP . He told me that he had this image in his head that by having 2 parents at home and living a regular life like other kids that he would start to be ' normal ' , but now he realized that wasn 't going to happen . This revelation broke my heart . My son had always had anxiety ; he worried more than the average kid should . Over the course of the next year , the bullying increased . As the bullying increased , his anxiety got worse . He would have panic attacks in the morning before school . These panic attacks would create pain in his chest that would bring him to his knees . His meltdowns increased again to multiple times a week . They started becoming incredibly violent and verbally abusive . The abuse was always aimed at me . His previous therapist had explained that he would always take out frustrations on me because I was his constant and he knew I would always love him no matter what . In more recent years , he has also said he takes out his anger on me because it was my fault he was born . If he wasn 't born , he wouldn 't have to feel this pain all the time . Logically , I know he doesn 't feel this way all the time , they are just words used to hurt …… and they do . He started a new phase of his meltdowns , self - punishment . After he had hurt me in some way or damaged some possession , whether his own or someone else 's , he would feel the need to hurt himself . This usually came in the form of punching the ground . He would kneel in the front yard , and slam his fist into the ground until it would bleed . If I attempted to stop him the meltdown would start all over again . It was also during this time that the suicide threats started . After he would calm down from an outburst , when I would tell him he had to have consequences to his behavior or he needed to make amends for something he had done , he would cry and tell me that he couldn 't be the good son I needed and that he should kill himself to make the pain go away . I tried to call helplines and local medical facilities . I was told over and over that he didn 't fit the profile of kids in their programs . I was so frustrated . I knew there was something wrong with my son , but when I tried to seek help it seemed as though he didn 't have ' enough ' wrong with him . I had started the process with a local psychiatrist 's office to get him help . It was maddening that we lived in the capital area of NY and they simply didn 't have enough psychological care for kids . We were on a waiting list with hopes for an appointment in 3 months . During that wait , on one school break , he was out - of - town visiting family . When I got there to pick him up , he had locked himself in a bathroom and was threatening suicide again . This time , he seemed even more out of control , so I felt we needed to call 9 - 1 - 1 . They got him out of the bathroom and into an ambulance . By the time we got to the hospital , an EMT had gotten him calmed down . We spent the day with multiple doctors and psychologists . He was discharged and I was told , " He seems fine . Just find him a good psychologist " . Here was yet another doctor that was only seeing the calm version of my son . Once we were able to get into the psychiatrist 's office , they heard what was happening and determined that , given his behaviors and his previous reaction to the medication we had tried , he did NOT have ADHD . They wanted to try him on an anti - psychotic medication to see if it would help with the violent outbursts . He started on a low dose of Risperdal . We saw a difference almost immediately . The anxiety attacks all but stopped for the next few months . His meltdowns were fewer and farther between . However , the depression side started to kick in full force . He would be miserable going to school . His grades started plummeting and the bullying was getting worse … . or as we learned , his perception of the bullying was getting worse . My son kept asking for us to move away . I , too , wasn 't very happy where we were . As much as I loved my husband , I didn 't feel welcome in his community of friends . Very few people took the time to get to know me . Although I had some great co - workers , I didn 't have a life outside of work and home . I had a hard time putting myself in situations where I met new people . Most people don 't understand when you have to cancel plans on short notice , and I started second guessing who I could share my son 's challenges with . I knew that my unhappiness did not help my son 's moods at all . My husband and I discussed a move and came up with a 5 year plan . We started researching cities where we might want to live . Our requirements for a move wasn 't a long list , it had to be affordable , we would like it to be near someone we knew , it had to have decent medical care within reasonable driving distance …… and my preference was that it should be somewhere warmer than upstate NY . I was never a fan of winter and my son always did better emotionally in the warmer weather months where he could be outside to expel his energy . Our 5 year plan quickly became a 5 month plan . While doing our research , my husband came across an amazing job opportunity in the Atlanta area . After intense discussion , we determined that it would be too good to pass up . My husband would have a job he loved , my current employer didn 't want me to leave the company , so they allowed me to set up an office from home where my hours would be flexible for doctor 's appointments and such . We also found that the recent housing crisis in the country had hit GA incredibly hard , if we could sell the house in NY , we would be able to afford a nice home in the metro area and being near a major city like Atlanta gave us access to a multitude of doctors for my son . One of the biggest bonuses for me was that one of my best friends lived about an hour outside the city . The summer of 2012 was a busy one . My husband had to start work in July , so he moved to Atlanta ahead of us and lived on the campus where he would be working , while navigating the surrounding areas to find an apartment for us . My son and I stayed in NY to pack up the house and get it ready to put on the market . My dad , who had recently retired , was a blessing to us . He would come and stay for days at a time to help with yard work , painting and packing . Finally , in late August , my husband flew back and we packed up a moving truck and headed south . Even before we moved I had done my research and set up my son with a psychiatrist . We were able to get an appointment for the week after we arrived . This meant one of two things to me , either this doctor wasn 't any good to have opening so quickly , or things worked differently in the south …… I was so happy to find out it was the later . Also before we moved , I had signed my son up for an on - line homeschooling program . He had been begging me to home school him , so I thought this was the best way to give it a shot . Thus began our southern life . The nightmares that came along with this new adjustment over the next few months had me second guessing this choice on a regular basis . As hard as the change was for us , I soon found that it was one of the best things we could have done . |
After the evening wedding of fine food and dancing , yours truly sat out Sunday , in my easy chair . Drifting between hunger and sleep , I wrestled every now and then with getting up to go to the can . Fortunately , TLW ( The Little Woman ) felt the same way ! Having very little sleep the night before , we were both so over - tired we didn 't sleep at all ! But , the effort and the time we spent were worth it ! We also fulfilled TLW 's sister Maureen 's life long dream of visiting a Smoothie store for a chocolate and banana Smoothie . I read the newspapers , and the big item was the brand new ballparks for the Mets and Yankees . The cost of a single game ticket is about the same as a year 's tuition and travel with room and board to UCLA ! Today is a different story . Today starts ' Let 's paint the hallway week ! ' It is a solemn time , a deeply troubling week of sorrow and pain . I will be climbing ladders , in some cases as high as 16 feet into the upper story of the house from the stair well . With spackling , cleaning and scrapping , painting and cleaning the brushes and rollers , taping and laying down protective covering , it will take forever . Not to mention a second coat ! So until tomorrow , when I report that I broke my neck by falling off the ladder , 16 feet to my death , ciao ! Please remember my brother - in - law , John and all the people that need our prayers . It had all the trimmings for a real wedding . The Church , St . James , a beautiful modern edifice , was matched to a beautiful modern bride with a handsome groom . The building , filling up early was in anticipation for a happy event . There were more than enough happy smiles to guarantee the event . The bride is the daughter of TLW 's ( The Little Woman 's ) cousin Jan . Her name is Jenny , and she would fit the bill if I needed to do a photo session for a bridal magazine . Tall , slim and gorgeous , with her Mom 's smile and her Dad 's disposition , she lights up the room . I never saw so many people happy for the happy couple . As the reception played out , the food like the rest of the day was great , and the band kept just about everyone up and dancing , crowding the dance floor . I think the joy was evident in the Groom and the wedding party . Then a special dance began , one for the Bride and her Dad , and one with the Groom and his Mom . ( Mom looked just beautiful for the event as the day was . ) I started thinking about what the dance symbolized in my mind , the final departure of a child from the nest . That sweet , sorrowful goodbye that can only be expressed in our hearts when we witness it . There is the happiness of the union , but the sadness knowing , nothing will ever be the same again ! Dad is trusting another man to his child , the one he waited up for when she was late from a date . It is the same child that he hurried to the hospital for when she was born , and paced the nights away when she was ill . That little girl who may have fallen off her bike , scraping a knee , and his wiping her tear away , to assure her everything would be all right . The last dance , and he wishes it could last a little longer . Nobody loves me like you doLike a candle burnin ' bright , love is flowing in your eyesA flame to light our way that burns brighter every dayNow I have youNobody loves me like you doLike a leaf upon the wind I could find no place to landI dreamed the hours away , wondered every dayDo dreams come true ? Nobody loves me like you doCHORUSWhatposted by Joseph Del Broccolo at 12 : 00 AM | Today we are going to a family members wedding . TLW ( The Little Woman ) , has a cousin , Jan , who as children played together . Now , one of Jan 's children is getting married ! Of course , that fact alone makes her cringe . Where the heck did all this time go ? Never mind that , will I have enough time to make myself beautiful for the wedding ? These all day affairs take a lot of work ! I bet the wedding is a lot of work too . My mental anguish starts with : should I have gotten a haircut ? This will nag me like a jealous wife , for the whole day . This morning , while TLW was reading her newspaper I asked : " Is my blue going to weddings shirt available ? " This question is usually met with disdain , since all my shirts for dress are blue . Next of course is my suit . Which suit should I wear ? I don 't wear a tux anymore , because the last time I did , I was left waiting tables . So , do I wear the blue pin - stripped suit that makes me look thinner , or the charcoal grey I was saving for my funeral ? MY GOD ! I need a tie , also ! Here is the problem : I have way too many ties , all left over from when I worked . It may make me nuts ! Stripes , or patterns , floral or solid ? DO THESE PEOPLE REALIZE WHAT THEY ARE PUTTING ME THROUGH ? Finally , there is the question of socks . I now have to go into a drawer I haven 't been in since an October wedding . I wear white socks since I retired , and don 't need colors . This is an early spring wedding . Do I wear wool or not . Being how I like to dance , wool protects the feet , insulates them . But I have a better selection in the summer wear department . What to do ? Maybe I should just go to sleep or feign a fever . No , then I will miss the cocktail hour and the dinner . Who knows , there may even be a Viennese hour . Not to mention the bar . Maybe that is what I need right now , a consultation with a certain Mr . Jack Daniels , and his partners : Martini and Rossi . Please remember my brother - in - law , John , and all those that need our prayers . It seems that everyday now , I pick up a newspaper or view a newscast and read about someone from my time that has passed on ! Whitey Lockman , Johnny Blanchard , were both New York baseball players from the 50 's and 60 's . Both died within a few days of each other . They filled my summer afternoons and evenings with excitement , during the baseball seasons back then . It seems that entertainers , news people and musicians are all going . Watching an old black and white movie , I see some of my heroes from yesteryear , people that I took for granted . It got me thinking about those days . There is a great site called spaldeendreams . blogspot . com that brings me back to Brooklyn during my formative years . Written by an old Brooklynite who lived around the corner from me . Although we never met personally , we met through the Internet . He and I have a birthday , one day apart . We went to the same places in Brooklyn ; I probably passed him a million times in the schoolyard and streets . The site stirs up the memories , reminds me where I came from and who I am . I started to think about Dad . Dad was a hard worker . That 's all Dad knew , how to work hard and feed his kids . He didn 't finish high school , didn 't take us on vacations , just set an example for me ; work hard . I look back now , and I see the hero , the mentor , the unrealized wealth I had before me . There were other heroes too , they were my friends father 's , and grandfathers . They had the same work ethic that Dad had . The funny thing is when he taught me to work hard , he taught me to have pride in myself , my job and never to complain . I went to college , carrying 18 and as much as 21 credits a semester , and had a job , to pay for everything . After school and all summer long . Don 't cry about your situation ; just do what is needed to finish the job . Why : because others judged you by your work ethic . Another thing I remember was that not only men were heroes . Mom was doing a pretty good job of raising five brats . She did it with little money , a lot of love , and urgency to her queposted by Joseph Del Broccolo at 12 : 00 AM | Just when you thought it was safe to read this blogue , another birthday ! This time , we doff our chapeau to my oldest sister , Tessie . She tries to use a high - fluting name like Theresa , when we all know its Tessie . Tess is the story of my life . When I was brought home from the hospital , my Mom placed me on the kitchen table , so she could change her shoes . While she stepped away , Tess stuck me in the pantry closet . When Mom returned , she scratched her head and asked Tess where the baby was . Tess said : " What baby ? " Being Mom 's favorite , she was often in charge . I would follow her to Our Lady of Lourdes School in Brooklyn , to mass on Sundays and often to places as far away as Pickin Avenue to shop for Dad 's store . All kidding aside , she is still there for me , looks after me like we are still children . I don 't know what life would be without Tess . Although whenever I see her , I still step into the pantry closet , it is like those precious years we grew up together . Tess took me to my first movie , with a quarter each , we would set off to the Colonial Theatre for a cartoon , newsreel and double feature , and with an extra dime , buy ourselves candy . She was like a little old lady , handling business transactions such as the weeks supply of meat , or grocery shopping at Spinner 's market on Broadway . I actually looked up to her , and in many ways , Tess was better than an older brother . She taught me to dance , while encouraging me to contact Dr . Kevorkian . She hated me because I had my own room , being the only boy in the house . One night I happened to be in my room looking out the window . Who should come home from a date but Tess . Something told me to hide under my bed , and sure enough , with the lights off she comes in , snooping ! I jumped out from under the bed , letting out a blood curdling scream , which made her hit the ceiling , and scream so loud , my mother thought there was a intruder in the house . I remember it like it was yesterday . I was maybe three or four years of age , when we were hit by a huge snowstorm . After thposted by Joseph Del Broccolo at 12 : 00 AM | Today is # 1 Son 's birthday ! He turns 36 today , which now makes him 3 years younger than me ! Growing up , Anthony ( # 1 Son ) , always worried about getting things right . He excelled in school , and he tried very hard in sports . A scrappy soccer player , avid basketball player and dedicated baseball player , who at the mere hint of spring , would take out his baseball mitt and wait for someone to come along to play catch . I have a movie of him , coming out in the grey dark days of winter , with a glove , ball and bat ! When he wasn 't occupied with his schoolwork , he was drawing up charts for the college basketball March Madness . On his wall : he would hang his chart , and could tell you who should win it all . He got his wish to go to UNC at Chapel Hill , where one of his favorites , Michael Jordan played . Having a son like Anthony is a special challenge . He picks your brain , challenge you to defend your point of view , and often , when he doesn 't know something , he asks . I would hope someday that he has a son , just like him . I would want him to experience the joy of having a child like him , being able to put him on automatic pilot , and watch him fly . I wish I could take credit for him , but he did it all on his own , without my help . Maybe TLW ( The Little Woman ) can take some credit . He is always thoughtful . He can select a present that has meaning , or relates to a special interest , or just makes you feel good . A simple phone call is all he really needs to make a birthday special . Everyone I know of has spoken highly of him . When he had his internship at my office , suddenly I was " Anthony 's father . " I 'd talk to art directors that worked with him , and they would say how well organized he was , how much of a pleasure it was to work with him . I miss the kid , and hope that he is enjoying today , because it is special to his old man . HAPPY BIRTHDAY , ANTHONY ! Love , Dad . Please remember my brother - in - law John , and all those that need our prayers . I recently got as slap on the wrist from one of my older sisters . She 's been trying for years to make people think I am older . It is rather sad and pathetic , but we all love her anyway . It seems I misspelled the word ' Principal . ' Instead , I used ' Principle ' to describe my baby sister 's position in school ! Let me tell you , I can 't spell , never have and never will . More importantly , I don 't care ! That is why there is supposed to be " Spell - check " I retired , so I don 't need to worry about those things as much as I did . I can go from worse to worst to worster yet still ! Unfortunately , when I write this blogue , I never write to impress , just to amuse and / or inform . I write quickly and try to do it first thing in the morning . I let it fly , so to speak . Spelling is not my only flaw . I can 't tell you where I stand in relation to north or south , or east and west ! My mind sets it somewhere in one direction , when it is in an opposite direction . I 'm so bad that if I decide to go somewhere from someplace other than my home , as they say in Brooklyn : " forgeddaboutit ! " I usually point in one direction , when I mean another ! I do know the direction to the refrigerator . I have a tendency , according to # 1 Son , which I do not think is so , to add an 's ' to a name or take an 's ' off ! I think he says that to try to make me think I lost my mind . If that is not enough , I can mispronounce a word - ' just like dat . It is an old habit from my Brooklyn days . Every once in a while it slips in . I have tried to eliminate it over the years . I can truly say however , I never ' mis - remember ' . So , I 'm not perfect ! I hope you can all forgive me , and I can move on to a nap . Or is that knap ? Like school , it 's the principle of the thing . Please remember my brother - in - law John , and all those that need our prayers . She marched around the foyer , baton in hand . Actually , it was a piece of molding . As I stood at attention , she pointed with her baton to each section of the area , floor and walls , and questioned . If she was not satisfied with my answers , she questioned some more . TLW ( The Little Woman ) : " Did you measure here ? " Me : " Yes . " TLW : " And here ? " Me : " Yes . " TLW : " And , what about here ? " Me : " Yes . " TLW : " Did you measure for the chair railing ? Also ? " Me : " Yes . " Tapping the palm of her hand with the baton , she drew her heels together and ordered me into the car . We were on our way to Lowe 's to make a few purchases . TLW : " Now remember , I 'll do all the talking , you just push the wagon . " Me : " Yes . You always do all the talking . " TLW : " WHAT ? " Me : " Er … nothing . " Arriving at the store , we marched in to the store to the tune of ' It 's Spring Time for Hitler and Germany ' . We arrive at the paint section and TLW orders a halt . Falling out , we exam all the rollers , and paint paraphernalia , and make decisions . Falling in , we continue our march up and down the ails to the molding section . Selecting molding is like checking out an old cue stick in a billiards parlor . You look for warping , or other defects , until you find one that is flawless . I made all the selections and … TLW : " Ah , sehr gut , Mann ! " Me : " Vielen Dank , dass Sie , mein Führer ! " Together we walked out of the store , me and the purchases , and Mein Führer ! Getting back to the good old USofA , we relaxed . TLW : " Now when you get a chance , when you get a chance , you could maybe start on the doors first , when you get a chance ? " Me : " Sure . " TLW : ( Sweetly , eyes blinking ) " Think you could get a chance this week ? " Good news : MMB ( My Man Bill ) may be OK , just a pre - cautionary test on Monday , and maybe we can relax ! Please remember my brother - in - law , John and all those that need our prayers . It was 50 years ago today , as I stood in the bathroom , a paintbrush in my hand . Suddenly the phone rang , and I awaited the news . The covenant of three sisters broke up their cauldron and flew to see who would answer the phone first . " It 's a girl ! " is all I heard . In disbelief I stood there , ready to swallow the paintbrush . Another sister ! Good God ! Pass the paint , I 'm drinking it all ! Me : " Give me the phone . " Sis # 1 : " Sure , ha - ha ! " Me : " Dad ! Are you kidding me ? Is it true ? Another one ? " And so , I was mad at Dad , and didn 't even want to speak to Mom ! Four sisters on my hands , and I knew they would plague my existence for the rest of my formative years . They took my shoelaces and belt away , and I was under 24 - hour watch . I requested it . It actually was hell for the first few months . They took away my room , and I had to share it with the baby . The baby didn 't sleep much . Neither did I . The baby cried a lot , so did I . Who do you think got up at night to feed this kid , since he was conveniently near the crib anyway ? She grew up to be a lovely lady . Spoiled , and often I would mutter to myself : " Lovely , just $ * & ^#@@&^ $ % # lovely ! " But then she had two beautiful children , and met a wonderful guy named Don . She made me proud of her , as you can see from the picture . An assistant principle ! Like my other sisters , she is beautiful , smart and charming . Don 't tell them I said that . HAPPY BIRTHDAY , JOANNE ! You are officially an old fart . 50 years old ! Where did the time fly ? Read last year 's blogue : Monday , March 24 , 2008 . Please remember my brother - in - law , John and MMB ( My Man Bill , who was actually working outside yesterday ! ) and all those that need our prayers . MAYBE GOD DOES WORK IN STRANGE WAYS ! Recently I volunteered my creative services to an organization that helps people like my daughter Ellen . I did because I wanted to , and besides , it will keep my hand in things I use to be good at . In one of my programs , I have been unable to make it do a certain thing that plagued me forever . In working with this agency ( Community Residences , Inc . ) , I needed to send them something in a certain format . The format would not work for me , and it frustrated me . I took the bull by the horns and decided to do some research , that I really dug into . Then it hit me ! And I struck gold ! I got what I was looking to do for three years ! Maybe I will not get to heaven , but I felt like it yesterday . Helping people without reward is reward in itself . I was rewarded with the solving of a problem that was plaguing me , and I was too busy to try to figure out ! Then , boom ! Years ago , when I was applying to colleges , I considered becoming an engineer . I sent away for a catalog from the Milwaukee School of Engineering . On the cover of the book was the letters MSOE . I have a tendency to build mental blocks on some things . ( Yes , I am a blockhead ) and for weeks , MSOE made no sense to me . Then in a dream , I figured it out ! I even heard myself say it , as I read the cover letters . In a dream , no less ! I guess doing something for others does and is reward . HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JENNIFER BOGDAN ! Today she is going on 21 , once again ! Please remember my Brother - in - law , John and MMB ( My Man Bill ) and all those that need our prayers . TLW ( The Little Woman ) has an uncanny knack for analyzing things and putting the proper spin on them . For instance : she will say she was thinking about something or other , and ; " Came to a conclusion " . I on the other hand never gave it a thought ! A vast mental file of events , personalities and conclusions reside in her head , in which she draws from , starting a conversation . I know when it comes to me , she will stare out into space as she announces her conclusion ! Picking a topic , usually recent in events , she lays a bombshell on me and I think : " Yes , that does make sense . " Sometimes , when we ' discuss ' an event , she will draw from her mental files something I said 25 years ago ! It is then that I circle the wagons . This is making me nervous , and I am wondering when she will start to stare into space , say she had a thought , and announce to me ; " Why was it again , you said I should marry you ? " There may be other questions , which may pop up . If they start with " You promised , " I will have to pack up and leave . I think I may be on the short end of fulfillment of promises , ones that I made indiscriminately in my youth . Oh , like riches , fame and " I 'll get better looking with age , I promise ! " This morning she made one of her observations , where she analyzed a fact and concluded ; which impressed me . I mentioned that she should have gone to work for the U . S . State Department years ago . If she did , the Berlin wall and the fall of communism would have occurred in the 1970 's ! Please remember my brother - in - law John and MMB ( My Man Bill ) and all those that need our prayers . It was 37 years ago , the day was a Tuesday , and I sat in a cab for the longest cab ride of my life . Although there were many tears between then and now , it was all worth it ! The cab ride was from the Bay Shore Railroad train station to Southside Hospital , as I tried to get to the hospital from my job in NYC . No , I wasn 't going to emergency , but to the maternity ward to welcome my first - born child , Ellen Mary Del Broccolo . She was beautiful . Prettier than ANY of MY baby pictures ! That says a lot ! She was a bundle of pink and fussy as all get out . But she was beautiful . She still is . She has beautiful black hair , a smile that lights up the darkest night , and a love with no boundaries or pre - requisites . She started me on the road of Fatherhood , although I wish she had a better father . The road has been tough , but we walk it together , step - by - step . Sometimes I stumble , and she can lift me up , sometimes she stumbles , and I try to lift her up . Ellen is the fabric of my life now . She is the meaning of TLW ( The Little Woman ) and my life . We devoted our lives to her , and will continue to do so . If you don 't have a child like Ellen , then God bless you . If you do , may God help you for the rest of your life . Please remember my brother - in - law , John , and MMB ( My Man Bill , and all those that need our prayers . A few mornings ago , I woke up and went to sit on the edge of my bed . As I did , the room started to spin very rapidly . It went away after a while , and thought that I had gotten up too quickly . That evening , as I got up from my chair , I bent down to pick up a newspaper that was lying on the floor . As I did , again , a bout of dizziness , this time almost knocking me down ! That night , I went to bed , and as I lay down , the room started to spin once again . At one point , turned over , and I felt like I was going to fall off the bed ! When I walk , I feel on the verge of spinning out of control . I seem to have trouble holding onto things , dropping them , and I do this all day long ! I think old age has caught up with me ! The dizziness doesn 't stop , day after day , and I 'm scheduled to visit the doctor in May , so I will see if it gets any worse , before I panic . Please remember my Brother - in - law , John and MMB ( My Man Bill ) and all those that need our prayers . May you always have walls for the winds , A roof for the rain , tea beside the fire , Laughter to cheer you , those you love near you , And all your heart might desire . To all my friends , and in - laws ; HAPPY ST . PADDY ' S DAY ! To my children and my girlfriend , TLW ( The Little Woman ) : May St . Patrick guard you wherever you go , And guide you in whatever you do - - And may his loving protection be a blessing to you always . To all my readers : May the road rise to meet you , May the wind be always at your back , May the sun shine warm upon your face , The rains fall soft upon your fields and , Until we meet again , May God hold you in the palm of His hand . To all the people that have expanded the family , be it Irish , Polish , Japanese or English , or any nationality there is : May you have love that never ends , Lots of money , and lots of friends . Health be yours , whatever you do , And may God send many blessings to you ! Today I make a special dish for TLW . Every year I try to do something that is not the usual , but comes from the old sod . This year it is pork chops in ale , with horse - radish mashed potatoes and Irish soda bread , and of course , a glass of ale ! This is a way of connecting TLW with her heritage , and by good grace of Saint Anthony , ( The patron saint of Italy ) I hope she enjoys it . Please remember my Brother - in - law John , MMB ( My Man Bill ) and all those that need our prayers . These two guys are good people , lets keep them around a long time . Like a rat on a sinking ship , she high tailed her way off to New York City . As I sat all alone , with nobody to talk to , she was having a great time at Bruno 's Italian Resturant ! As I listened to the silence , one more time , she was yakking away with her look alike buddies , Toots II and Pat , the Patron Saint of Foxwoods Points ! Who is this ' she ' I speak of ? Why TLW ( The Little Woman ) . To make matters worse , she told me to do the weekly shopping . All of it ! Do you know what it is like to do a woman 's job like food shopping ? Try looking for the frozen spinach . Do they put all the frozen spinach types together in the supermarket freezer ? NOOOOOO ! First , you find creamed spinach , or chopped spinach . Then after the corn , the Brussels sprouts and the string beans , about 20 feet further along , they stick the frozen spinach way on top , so you can 't reach it . All this while she is visiting Madame Tussauds ! Need escarole ? You look for it . You look again . Then you look and look again . Then when you are not looking , they put it on the shelf , as you ask for help , and they want to know if you 'll need help finding your way out of the store ! All this , while she sits in comfort on a big old bus , chewing the fat about her wanna - be bank ! Then , insults upon insults , she says : " Go buy yourself some Chinese food , and I want the change . " I go to the checkout to pay . The checkout lady asks if I have a Waldbaum 's card . I say yes and give her one for a discount . Being I 'm deaf as a doorknob , she asks me if I have a single , and I misunderstand her . I look at her and ask : " Why ? " She looks at me strange , I look at her strange , she says , a single , DO YOU HAVE A SINGLE ? IT WILL AVOID A LOT OF CHANGE FOR THE EXTRA TWENTY YOU ARE HOLDING , SIR . I answered a strong and firm ; " Oh ! " I thought she asked if I was single . The moral here boys and girls is DON ' T SEND THIS IDIOT OUT ALONE , WITHOUT SUPERVISION ! Please remember my Brother - in - law , John , and MMB ( My Man Bill ) , and all those that need our prayers . Today we make a trip out to East Marion , NY , on the north shore of Long Island . We TLW ( The Little Woman ) and I will be visiting a friend of ours . The lady is a friend of TLW 's aunt Mary . Rosetta has adopted us as her family , since all she has is a nephew , Carl . Carl lives on the west end of Long Island . Rosetta is in her late 70 's or early 80 's . She 's a golfer , and loves to entertain . Living with a dog , is all the company she has all day . Living alone way out on the east end of Long Island , these visits are important to her . We make sure to visit as often as we can . One other thing ; Rosetta is deaf . How deaf you ask ? I 'm glad you asked . Deafer than me ! That is deaf ! The conversations are interesting , stimulating , abstract , curious , and darn right noisy . One who did not know better would think a verbal altercation was going on ! All that yelling ! Rosetta is a sweet woman . She will give you the shirt off her back , and although you probably wouldn 't want to see that , it is true . After a day with Rosetta that includes : snacks , dinner with wine and dessert , a good old yelling slug fest , and leisurely drives to and from her home , we settle in at night with a good old Jack Daniel Manhattan and a few throat lozenges . Last night I opened my e - mail and found an email from TLC ( The Lovely Carol ) my next door neighbor . It seems MMB ( My Man Bill ) thought he was having a heart attack , turns out it is Pancreatitis ! If you ever wanted to pray for a good guy , a good family , and a man who has all the Christian values that are preached , but few hold up to , then pray for MMB . He is too good a man to have anything happen to . Do this as a favor for me . I will try to keep you abreast of things as I hear . Please remember my brother - in - law John , MMB ( My Man Bill ) , and all those that need our prayers . Yes , it was Mr . Smith Goes to Washington , all over again ! 20 years ago , I used to mind my own business . Now I go to speak first hand with politicians . It seems that a major issue occupies my mind , and I need to speak with a state senator about it . So , off I go to the state offices in Hauppauge , NY , to fight the good fight . The State of New York , under the leadership of Governor Patterson , has decided to take away residential development for the mentally and physically disabled , do away with a COLA for the good day care workers , and slash funding for Day Habilitation for people with mental disabilities . These people are easy targets because they as a whole ; don 't really vote . Some do , but not the majority . So , along with the Executive Director of Suffolk AHRC , we marched to State Senator Brian X . Foley 's office . Before I could even get into his office , I had to past a metal detector . This can be confusing when you don 't have a carry - on bag , and they all look at you like your nuts , without your shoes on ! Now the fellow with the wand , we 'll call him ' Wando ' , no hablo Englis , and dam if I could understand him , as the alarm went off ! Wando : " Ahuaize hur harme senor ! " Me : " Huh ? Wando : " Hur arhmes sir , ahuraize dem . " I finally catch on , raise my arms and hope that if terrorists ever attack the place , he doesn 't get the job of shouting out the orders on what to do . We find the office of the good senator , who happens to be away , and talk to his lovely assistant . She writes down my issues for her boss , we exchange cards and we leave . Having both made a plea : an explanation and a request to address the issues , we leave with hope . As we leave , there stands Wando in his same stance , bullying another English speaking taxpayer ! Please remember my brother - in - law and all those that need our prayers . And , an insidious disease known as cancer claims another young life . DD has lost her battle with the disease , and now we move on . I met DD a few times , I hardly spoke to her , I last saw her by accident at the cancer center at Stony Brook Hospital as she and her lovely mother Sue were getting off the elevator as I was leaving . Having a child with a disease sucks , losing one sucks even more . I know ; I 've been there . There is nothing one can say . " I 'm sorry , " sounds kind of worn - out . And what have we lost ? We 've all lost a young person , a young woman , but a potential for more . What potential ? A potential to bring new life to this earth , a potential to help cure a disease maybe , or a potential to save lives or some kind of good works . DD was young ; her days should have been ahead of her , not behind . When I think of all the evil that lurks about , the scum that lies cheats and steals from us all , I wonder what she could have possibly done at 18 years of age ? Why ? " For all sad words of tongue and pen , The saddest are these , ' It might have been ' . " John Greenleaf WhittierThank you if you have kept DD in your prayers . No one will remember , but God . Please remember my brother - in - law John , and all those that need our prayers . If you wish to call me that ! Of course , I don 't consider myself a writer , just a bloguer , someone who likes to write . This month marks the third year of this blogue . I use ' blogue ' instead of the familiar ' blog ' , to have some fun and laugh at myself ; besides , ' blogue ' looks classier , no ? I enjoy getting things off my chest , or a good laugh . In the past three years , I 've written about my life , from when I was born to yesterday . All of it is laughable ! In the next year , I intend to continue with new stories , observations and thoughts . Hopefully you will respond as some of you have . If you have any questions you would like to ask me , just use the comment box at the end of each blogue , or email me at ; delgraphics @ optonline . net , or joedelbroccolo @ yahoo . com . I will answer each either in the blogue or in an email . ThanksPlease remember DD and John , my brother - in - law , and all those that need our prayers . Yesterday was the big day I have been waiting for . TLW ( The Little Woman ) completed my blanket , mine , my very own ! Having your own personalized blanket is very important . Ask Linus . First , TLW made the blanket to match my complexion . Secondly , it will come in handy when I croak : she can just throw it over me until they come to leave me at the curb . ( Tuesdays and Fridays ) I will be able to hide stuff under it , and when she falls off to sleep , sneak a piece of it . Finally , we will match , her under her blanket , me under mine , in our recliners , drifting in and out of sleep , all night long , in front of the TV ! Two old foggies , cast away in slumber ! Just like two lampshades ! With this blanket , I may even take up thumb sucking ! When someone makes you a gift that takes a long time , you treasure it . You pay careful attention to where you leave it , how you leave it , ad how to treat it . This took a lot of work and time ! Even the edging is beautiful . I 'm funny that way . Make me something and I savor or treasure it as long as possible . When TLW makes it , FORGETTABOUTIT ! Please remember DD and my brother - in - law John , and all those that need our prayers . TLW ( The Little Woman ) gets a magazine called AARP . She doesn 't look like she should , but she does ! I took it one day this week to wait for # 2 Son to get out of class , and on the cover was Dustin Hoffman . He got old ! I started to think about all the people I know or knew , people from so long ago . People that I took for granted , that they would always be there and would always remain the same . I thought about my parents , as I remember them , not as they are now . Dad is gone , and Mom is 90 , almost 91 ! I see my sisters and I don 't see their age , unless I look closely , but ; it is not their age I see . I see , and hear them as they were once , long ago . I remember friends from past years , some I hear from , some I seek out , some , are alive , some not . I recall places I 've been to , places I took for granted . These very same places are no longer the same . Just in my memory . Places that have aged , like people . Places that need an overhaul , or are gone , replaced with new buildings and new people . People , who I don 't know work or live there , What happened ? I can hear the sounds of laughter , the sights that comforted me , sounds and sights I no longer see or hear . It is getting very quiet . Soon I will start to count who is left , and then I will no longer count . I used to worry about what people thought of me . I know that not everyone likes or agrees with me . I guess that comes with life . Now I worry no more ! There is a whole new world out there , or is it the old world , just changing again ? Is it not the same ground ? The same world that I lived in a few years ago , that my ancestors lived in ? George Washington lived in the same world I share . Do I worry I don 't fit in , or that people find me out of date ? We are all changing ! We will all be that building that exists no more , whether we wish to acknowledge it or not . We will all be a distant memory . So , I don 't worry . In a hundred years from now , no one will notice , or care . That I wore or said something that was out of whack , no one would know it occurred . Please remember Johnposted by Joseph Del Broccolo at 12 : 00 AM | Yesterday , ( Saturday ) , after the long cold spell we had , the weather changed to beautiful ! I opened the rear door , for the screen , and enjoyed a day of warmth ! Days like yesterday made me want to do more than I should . So , I purchased paint for the hall and downstairs toilet , I went out for a walk , fixed the kitchen faucet , swept up , and cleaned my car , inside and out . Then I went ahead and planned the meals for the week and made a list of what I need . I cooked dinner , and did some writing . I was a busy scout ! At the end of the day - pain ! All the pain I would want , in my right foot , the bad one . Over 41 years ago , I was involved in a car accident , as a passenger . My head went through the windshield , and the engine sat next to me when it was over . I had a compounded fracture of the right foot and glass in my head ! I was a mess . I landed in the hospital for a week and suffered the pain at home for almost six months ! Today , I can 't stand on my feet for long ; dance and I can 't climb a ladder . If I do any of those things , the foot feels like someone stuck it with a knife . But tomorrow , if the day is nice , I will become ambitious once again , and suffer the consequences . Stupid ? No ! I just won 't let it get me down . HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LINDA MARK ! Please remember DD and my brother - in - law , John , and all those that need our prayers . Sitting in my studio , typing away , I was suddenly hit with some shocking news the other day ! Now TLW ( The Little Woman ) and I have spent a fortune on # 2 Son 's education . Our fervent hope is that he makes something of himself . Having guided him through his formative years , then through high school and now college . We have discussed his ambitions , how he wanted to drive a white panel truck throughout the country and play in a band . Going from venue to venue was how he saw his life . Of course there was no talking him out of that one , then other ideas replaced that one and so we went . Stepping into the threshold of the studio , with a slight bow he made his announcement . Being a man of ambition once myself , I see fulfilling of ambition a lot of hard work . # 2 sees it as a click of the mouse ! " I have just become a minister ! " Being around for some time now , I didn 't get too excited . If this guy ever became a minister , I 'd stop believing in God ! " Really . " And I went on typing . " Yes , I did it on line ! It was so easy ! I never thought I 'd be something like that ! " " Yes ! That is something ! What is the name of your church ? " Why not play along ? " THE UNIVERSAL UNITARIAN CHURCH ! " " What makes your church different from say a Methodist church ? " I asked . " Oh ! We practice all religions ! " he stated proudly . With him as the head of a church , the sacrament would be a daily one . That is , one bottle of beer from a six pack , for six days , and on the seventh , he would ask his mother for money to buy another six pack ! Let us pray ! Please remember DD and my brother - in - law John , and all those who need our prayers . The other morning I decided to take a ride over to the library and take out a book . I used to take out women , but somehow that all changed , it was so long ago , and I 've forgotten why it changed ! As I perused the shelves of the Sachem Public Library , I came upon a book on a shelf about Gil Hodges , a great Brooklyn Dodger first baseman and New York Mets manager . ( 1969 World Champions ! ) The book looked like something I would want to read . As I looked at the cover , it came over me that maybe the book looked familiar . Did I read it ? I got a little closer and it seemed to look a little familiar . I thought I would thumb through the book to see if it was familiar . Reaching up , I took the book down and started to fan through the pages , when I suddenly came upon a piece of paper stuck in the pages . Yup , I read it all right . A receipt I got from a doctor 's visit was used as a bookmark ! I said to myself ( I do that a lot ! ) , wait ' til I tell TLW . ( The Little Woman ) Say : " ' til I tell TLW " three times ! ( Feels stupid , no ? ) That night , TLW and I are talking . ( Well , she 's talking , I 'm listening ) and I remember the library ! I start to tell her about it , and go into the den where my book was , and pull out the receipt , and bring it over to her . I give her the paper and she says : " Fifteen dollars ! ! ! " Please remember DD and my brother - in - law , John and all those that need our prayers . It is so hard to do ! This morning I stopped for a red light in my car , and right in front of me was a school bus . The bus had glass - paneled doors that fit into the back rear emergency door of the bus . In the bus were some 2nd or 3rd graders , who were looking out the rear door . I will be 64 in July . My mother is still waiting for me to grow up . I probably won 't ever grow up ! Anyway , this urge overcame me . I stuck my tongue out at the kids . One kid nearly fell out of his clothes as he called over his buddy . Pointing at me , he told his buddy what I did , they laughed and stuck their tongues out at me ! ( I don 't know where these kids get this stuff from ? ) I decided that as an older person , I would not take this stuff from them , so I put my thumb on the end of my nose and wiggled my fingers . This is an much profanity one can use without using real profanity , and still be legal . Just then , the bus moved ahead of me and one kid stuck his tongue out again , another gave me the wiggle fingers , and another , flipped me the bird ! ( No , I did not flip it back . ) So , I have contributed to bad behavior , childish , immature , bad behavior . The kind of behavior that would have sent me down to the principle 's office and Brother Justinian ! I 've decided , I need to get a little classier . So , in an attempt to rebuild my self - image , and that of the world 's view of me , I am no longer writing a ' blog ' , but instead , I will refer to it as a ' blogue ' I can feel the class oozing out of me , even as I write this ! Please remember DD and my brother - in - law , John , and all those that need our prayers . Ladies and gentlemen , and all those who read this blogue , be on the lookout for a Jewish PITA ( Pain In The Ass ) who goes by the name of Phil Mark . Known to drive people up the wall , to rip their hair out of their heads , and to just break down and cry for long periods . Who is this guy ? Beats me ! He keeps showing up in my life ! When I went to college for an education , I got one , I met him ! When I got married , and thought the world would improve , who shows up as my best - man ? Him ! When on the altar , who screws up the priest and gets communion ? Him ( He IS Jewish ! ) When I had my daughter baptized , who was the godfather ? HIM ! Yes , he just keeps showing up like a bad penny . If you don 't believe me , then ask his wife , Linda , or his children : Jason , Justin and Danielle . Today he celebrates his birthday . He is so old : he wears a plague that describes him as a historical landmark ! So , if you run into him , DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO HIS EYES ! Instead , count yourself lucky you met him ! HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHIL , I STILL LOVE YOU ! Please remember DD and John my brother - in - law , and all those that need our prayers . Or , Just How Cold IS It ? I went out for my usual roll and coffee this morning , and asked the young fellow behind the counter if he knew just how cold it was outside . I 'll tell you in a moment . You must wonder if I 'm retired , why I go out every morning for a roll and coffee . For precisely that reason , to get out for a moment , just like I used to do , to see what 's new in coffee cups , coffee urns and good - looking girls . So far , all I know about is coffee , and girls with good eyesight ! So , I get my coffee and select a pre - wrapped buttered roll , and go to pay for it . A young fellow is behind the cash register and is dressed funky . We used to call it dressing like a bum , but now it 's called , funky . Me : " Do you know how cold it is outside ? " The Test Pilot For Good Will : " No ? " Me : " It 's so cold , the radio reported this morning that the Statue Of Liberty has her torch under her skirt ! " The Test Pilot For Good Will : " Huh ? Oh . " ? It IS probably me . Maybe I need something stronger than coffee . My neighbor , MMB , ( My Man Bill , is probably the best neighbor you could possibly have . Not only did he clear out my driveway , but he came back a second time to clear it again . He probably figured it is better than having me hang around the neighborhood . Mr . Ignellzi , my neighbor across the street , did something yesterday I never saw him do before . He was actually wearing winter clothes ! I usually see him in a T - shirt and shorts , barefooted outside , no matter what the weather . So much for important information this day . Please remember DD , my brother - in - law John , and all those that need our prayers . Especially smokers . It sure does ! I 'm sick of hearing people complain about it ! Me , I enjoy it . Give me a cup of coffee and a good movie , and let it snow , let it snow ; let it snow ! Yesterday I got " What for ? " from TLW ( The Little Woman ) . It seems she was slightly perturbed by the picture of her used lately on the blog . Seems that I went too far ! Mind you , this photo is for illustrative purposes only , and only slightly enhanced with the red nose , which I toned down . It wouldn 't have been a problem if a certain sister - in - law from Virginia hadn 't brought it up . I don 't want to mention names but her initials were Angela Manning 's ' ! Aside from that : I apologize , and promise not to let that happen again . I love TLW , and would never do anything to hurt her . We put the local TV station on this morning . They were all excited about the storm , since it made them relevant to the day . Proudly they announced the school closings , the road conditions and the weather . Everyone should have a job . This storm that hit today is the worst since I don 't remember when ! Over 10 " of snow ! Looks like before it is over , there will be 14 " to 15 " on the ground ! We were supposed to go out to East Marion to visit a friend . It is usually a very pleasant drive , through the north shore of Long Island . I was looking forward to the drive , very slow paced and peaceful . So much for that ! Today we will spend the day staring down # 2 Son , a movie , a little writing and some reading . I also would like to start on an art project I need to get done . Stay safe and healthy . I forgive you AM ! Please remember DD , John my brother - in - law , and all those that need our prayers . ' Happy ' , my cocker spaniel is getting old ! She can no longer hear , as she sleeps all day , and total strangers step over her ! Yesterday we had two strange people in our house ; one was # 2 's girl friend and the other a friend of his . Happy hates strangers . Happy hates other dogs , and even used to bark at her reflection in the mirror ! She never heard or saw anyone ! Being a little deaf myself , we understand each other perfectly . I can tune out things like loud annoying or repetitive noises , a wife or even a priest giving a sermon . This is a blessing , as I can sleep all night , and even with my eyes opened ! Attending board of director meetings , I don 't need to hear , as long as I have the minutes in front of me from the last meeting . Although I am noted as outspoken , I do enjoy the quietness that I employ when I want to . However , Happy is taken on another clue to her age . She can 't see that well ! It seems that when TLW ( The Little Woman ) would let her out in the morning , on occasion she would fall into the pool ! At 4 : 00 am in the morning , snow and ice all around , TLW would try to fish her out ! I suspect that she couldn 't negotiate the backyard in the dark . Now , when I let her out , I keep the outside lights on for her . At night , when she wants to come upstairs to bed with us , she can 't find the stairway , and stands at the bottom and barks . I have to go down , and physically carry her upstairs ! She doesn 't roam around the house in the dark like she used to . She used to sit on guard at the staircase , watching the front door when I would work in my studio upstairs . Now , she joins me in my studio , asleep on the floor . If someone is at the door , I hear the door before she even stirs a little ! I have decided to rename ' Happy ' , ' Dopey ' ! Please remember all those like DD and my brother - in - law , John who need our prayers . There are few times in my married life where I witnessed TLW ( The Little Woman ) not feeling well , this is one of them ! It seems that # 2 Son has brought home a nasty cold , which he gave to me , and then gave to his Mom . I would never do that . Since he is out of my will for the cold , he is now further out of the will because he gave it to TLW . TLW now hates him and me for this intrusion on her health , as she drags it back and forth to work ! I told her to take a sick day , but she looked at me like I have grown an eye in my chin . What can I do ? When she sits there in her chair , her nose is stuffed and she hides under a blanket or two , and with sullen solemnity , she naps . I feel very bad for her , and wish I could take the symptoms for her . Sleeping is a job ! TLW has to sleep with an extra pillow , her head propped and fighting the stuffiness , even to sleep ! As for me , I still have this annoying cough , which attacks at any time , but especially hard in the A . M . It seems that I have gotten a few too many colds this winter , and frankly , I am starting to get annoyed . But , TLW ! When she is sick , the lines of communication fail , we talk very little and I miss her . Oh , she is right there , but she is in another world . I guess I try to look out for her , but she insists on carrying on . A real trooper . I like to go off by myself until I feel better . No point watching others enjoy their health while I 'm under the weather . But when TLW is ailing , the whole world ails too . Ahh chooo ! Pardon me ! Please remember DD and John and all those that need our prayers . |
After the evening wedding of fine food and dancing , yours truly sat out Sunday , in my easy chair . Drifting between hunger and sleep , I wrestled every now and then with getting up to go to the can . Fortunately , TLW ( The Little Woman ) felt the same way ! Having very little sleep the night before , we were both so over - tired we didn 't sleep at all ! But , the effort and the time we spent were worth it ! We also fulfilled TLW 's sister Maureen 's life long dream of visiting a Smoothie store for a chocolate and banana Smoothie . I read the newspapers , and the big item was the brand new ballparks for the Mets and Yankees . The cost of a single game ticket is about the same as a year 's tuition and travel with room and board to UCLA ! Today is a different story . Today starts ' Let 's paint the hallway week ! ' It is a solemn time , a deeply troubling week of sorrow and pain . I will be climbing ladders , in some cases as high as 16 feet into the upper story of the house from the stair well . With spackling , cleaning and scrapping , painting and cleaning the brushes and rollers , taping and laying down protective covering , it will take forever . Not to mention a second coat ! So until tomorrow , when I report that I broke my neck by falling off the ladder , 16 feet to my death , ciao ! Please remember my brother - in - law , John and all the people that need our prayers . It had all the trimmings for a real wedding . The Church , St . James , a beautiful modern edifice , was matched to a beautiful modern bride with a handsome groom . The building , filling up early was in anticipation for a happy event . There were more than enough happy smiles to guarantee the event . The bride is the daughter of TLW 's ( The Little Woman 's ) cousin Jan . Her name is Jenny , and she would fit the bill if I needed to do a photo session for a bridal magazine . Tall , slim and gorgeous , with her Mom 's smile and her Dad 's disposition , she lights up the room . I never saw so many people happy for the happy couple . As the reception played out , the food like the rest of the day was great , and the band kept just about everyone up and dancing , crowding the dance floor . I think the joy was evident in the Groom and the wedding party . Then a special dance began , one for the Bride and her Dad , and one with the Groom and his Mom . ( Mom looked just beautiful for the event as the day was . ) I started thinking about what the dance symbolized in my mind , the final departure of a child from the nest . That sweet , sorrowful goodbye that can only be expressed in our hearts when we witness it . There is the happiness of the union , but the sadness knowing , nothing will ever be the same again ! Dad is trusting another man to his child , the one he waited up for when she was late from a date . It is the same child that he hurried to the hospital for when she was born , and paced the nights away when she was ill . That little girl who may have fallen off her bike , scraping a knee , and his wiping her tear away , to assure her everything would be all right . The last dance , and he wishes it could last a little longer . Nobody loves me like you doLike a candle burnin ' bright , love is flowing in your eyesA flame to light our way that burns brighter every dayNow I have youNobody loves me like you doLike a leaf upon the wind I could find no place to landI dreamed the hours away , wondered every dayDo dreams come true ? Nobody loves me like you doCHORUSWhatposted by Joseph Del Broccolo at 12 : 00 AM | Today we are going to a family members wedding . TLW ( The Little Woman ) , has a cousin , Jan , who as children played together . Now , one of Jan 's children is getting married ! Of course , that fact alone makes her cringe . Where the heck did all this time go ? Never mind that , will I have enough time to make myself beautiful for the wedding ? These all day affairs take a lot of work ! I bet the wedding is a lot of work too . My mental anguish starts with : should I have gotten a haircut ? This will nag me like a jealous wife , for the whole day . This morning , while TLW was reading her newspaper I asked : " Is my blue going to weddings shirt available ? " This question is usually met with disdain , since all my shirts for dress are blue . Next of course is my suit . Which suit should I wear ? I don 't wear a tux anymore , because the last time I did , I was left waiting tables . So , do I wear the blue pin - stripped suit that makes me look thinner , or the charcoal grey I was saving for my funeral ? MY GOD ! I need a tie , also ! Here is the problem : I have way too many ties , all left over from when I worked . It may make me nuts ! Stripes , or patterns , floral or solid ? DO THESE PEOPLE REALIZE WHAT THEY ARE PUTTING ME THROUGH ? Finally , there is the question of socks . I now have to go into a drawer I haven 't been in since an October wedding . I wear white socks since I retired , and don 't need colors . This is an early spring wedding . Do I wear wool or not . Being how I like to dance , wool protects the feet , insulates them . But I have a better selection in the summer wear department . What to do ? Maybe I should just go to sleep or feign a fever . No , then I will miss the cocktail hour and the dinner . Who knows , there may even be a Viennese hour . Not to mention the bar . Maybe that is what I need right now , a consultation with a certain Mr . Jack Daniels , and his partners : Martini and Rossi . Please remember my brother - in - law , John , and all those that need our prayers . It seems that everyday now , I pick up a newspaper or view a newscast and read about someone from my time that has passed on ! Whitey Lockman , Johnny Blanchard , were both New York baseball players from the 50 's and 60 's . Both died within a few days of each other . They filled my summer afternoons and evenings with excitement , during the baseball seasons back then . It seems that entertainers , news people and musicians are all going . Watching an old black and white movie , I see some of my heroes from yesteryear , people that I took for granted . It got me thinking about those days . There is a great site called spaldeendreams . blogspot . com that brings me back to Brooklyn during my formative years . Written by an old Brooklynite who lived around the corner from me . Although we never met personally , we met through the Internet . He and I have a birthday , one day apart . We went to the same places in Brooklyn ; I probably passed him a million times in the schoolyard and streets . The site stirs up the memories , reminds me where I came from and who I am . I started to think about Dad . Dad was a hard worker . That 's all Dad knew , how to work hard and feed his kids . He didn 't finish high school , didn 't take us on vacations , just set an example for me ; work hard . I look back now , and I see the hero , the mentor , the unrealized wealth I had before me . There were other heroes too , they were my friends father 's , and grandfathers . They had the same work ethic that Dad had . The funny thing is when he taught me to work hard , he taught me to have pride in myself , my job and never to complain . I went to college , carrying 18 and as much as 21 credits a semester , and had a job , to pay for everything . After school and all summer long . Don 't cry about your situation ; just do what is needed to finish the job . Why : because others judged you by your work ethic . Another thing I remember was that not only men were heroes . Mom was doing a pretty good job of raising five brats . She did it with little money , a lot of love , and urgency to her queposted by Joseph Del Broccolo at 12 : 00 AM | Just when you thought it was safe to read this blogue , another birthday ! This time , we doff our chapeau to my oldest sister , Tessie . She tries to use a high - fluting name like Theresa , when we all know its Tessie . Tess is the story of my life . When I was brought home from the hospital , my Mom placed me on the kitchen table , so she could change her shoes . While she stepped away , Tess stuck me in the pantry closet . When Mom returned , she scratched her head and asked Tess where the baby was . Tess said : " What baby ? " Being Mom 's favorite , she was often in charge . I would follow her to Our Lady of Lourdes School in Brooklyn , to mass on Sundays and often to places as far away as Pickin Avenue to shop for Dad 's store . All kidding aside , she is still there for me , looks after me like we are still children . I don 't know what life would be without Tess . Although whenever I see her , I still step into the pantry closet , it is like those precious years we grew up together . Tess took me to my first movie , with a quarter each , we would set off to the Colonial Theatre for a cartoon , newsreel and double feature , and with an extra dime , buy ourselves candy . She was like a little old lady , handling business transactions such as the weeks supply of meat , or grocery shopping at Spinner 's market on Broadway . I actually looked up to her , and in many ways , Tess was better than an older brother . She taught me to dance , while encouraging me to contact Dr . Kevorkian . She hated me because I had my own room , being the only boy in the house . One night I happened to be in my room looking out the window . Who should come home from a date but Tess . Something told me to hide under my bed , and sure enough , with the lights off she comes in , snooping ! I jumped out from under the bed , letting out a blood curdling scream , which made her hit the ceiling , and scream so loud , my mother thought there was a intruder in the house . I remember it like it was yesterday . I was maybe three or four years of age , when we were hit by a huge snowstorm . After thposted by Joseph Del Broccolo at 12 : 00 AM | Today is # 1 Son 's birthday ! He turns 36 today , which now makes him 3 years younger than me ! Growing up , Anthony ( # 1 Son ) , always worried about getting things right . He excelled in school , and he tried very hard in sports . A scrappy soccer player , avid basketball player and dedicated baseball player , who at the mere hint of spring , would take out his baseball mitt and wait for someone to come along to play catch . I have a movie of him , coming out in the grey dark days of winter , with a glove , ball and bat ! When he wasn 't occupied with his schoolwork , he was drawing up charts for the college basketball March Madness . On his wall : he would hang his chart , and could tell you who should win it all . He got his wish to go to UNC at Chapel Hill , where one of his favorites , Michael Jordan played . Having a son like Anthony is a special challenge . He picks your brain , challenge you to defend your point of view , and often , when he doesn 't know something , he asks . I would hope someday that he has a son , just like him . I would want him to experience the joy of having a child like him , being able to put him on automatic pilot , and watch him fly . I wish I could take credit for him , but he did it all on his own , without my help . Maybe TLW ( The Little Woman ) can take some credit . He is always thoughtful . He can select a present that has meaning , or relates to a special interest , or just makes you feel good . A simple phone call is all he really needs to make a birthday special . Everyone I know of has spoken highly of him . When he had his internship at my office , suddenly I was " Anthony 's father . " I 'd talk to art directors that worked with him , and they would say how well organized he was , how much of a pleasure it was to work with him . I miss the kid , and hope that he is enjoying today , because it is special to his old man . HAPPY BIRTHDAY , ANTHONY ! Love , Dad . Please remember my brother - in - law John , and all those that need our prayers . I recently got as slap on the wrist from one of my older sisters . She 's been trying for years to make people think I am older . It is rather sad and pathetic , but we all love her anyway . It seems I misspelled the word ' Principal . ' Instead , I used ' Principle ' to describe my baby sister 's position in school ! Let me tell you , I can 't spell , never have and never will . More importantly , I don 't care ! That is why there is supposed to be " Spell - check " I retired , so I don 't need to worry about those things as much as I did . I can go from worse to worst to worster yet still ! Unfortunately , when I write this blogue , I never write to impress , just to amuse and / or inform . I write quickly and try to do it first thing in the morning . I let it fly , so to speak . Spelling is not my only flaw . I can 't tell you where I stand in relation to north or south , or east and west ! My mind sets it somewhere in one direction , when it is in an opposite direction . I 'm so bad that if I decide to go somewhere from someplace other than my home , as they say in Brooklyn : " forgeddaboutit ! " I usually point in one direction , when I mean another ! I do know the direction to the refrigerator . I have a tendency , according to # 1 Son , which I do not think is so , to add an 's ' to a name or take an 's ' off ! I think he says that to try to make me think I lost my mind . If that is not enough , I can mispronounce a word - ' just like dat . It is an old habit from my Brooklyn days . Every once in a while it slips in . I have tried to eliminate it over the years . I can truly say however , I never ' mis - remember ' . So , I 'm not perfect ! I hope you can all forgive me , and I can move on to a nap . Or is that knap ? Like school , it 's the principle of the thing . Please remember my brother - in - law John , and all those that need our prayers . She marched around the foyer , baton in hand . Actually , it was a piece of molding . As I stood at attention , she pointed with her baton to each section of the area , floor and walls , and questioned . If she was not satisfied with my answers , she questioned some more . TLW ( The Little Woman ) : " Did you measure here ? " Me : " Yes . " TLW : " And here ? " Me : " Yes . " TLW : " And , what about here ? " Me : " Yes . " TLW : " Did you measure for the chair railing ? Also ? " Me : " Yes . " Tapping the palm of her hand with the baton , she drew her heels together and ordered me into the car . We were on our way to Lowe 's to make a few purchases . TLW : " Now remember , I 'll do all the talking , you just push the wagon . " Me : " Yes . You always do all the talking . " TLW : " WHAT ? " Me : " Er … nothing . " Arriving at the store , we marched in to the store to the tune of ' It 's Spring Time for Hitler and Germany ' . We arrive at the paint section and TLW orders a halt . Falling out , we exam all the rollers , and paint paraphernalia , and make decisions . Falling in , we continue our march up and down the ails to the molding section . Selecting molding is like checking out an old cue stick in a billiards parlor . You look for warping , or other defects , until you find one that is flawless . I made all the selections and … TLW : " Ah , sehr gut , Mann ! " Me : " Vielen Dank , dass Sie , mein Führer ! " Together we walked out of the store , me and the purchases , and Mein Führer ! Getting back to the good old USofA , we relaxed . TLW : " Now when you get a chance , when you get a chance , you could maybe start on the doors first , when you get a chance ? " Me : " Sure . " TLW : ( Sweetly , eyes blinking ) " Think you could get a chance this week ? " Good news : MMB ( My Man Bill ) may be OK , just a pre - cautionary test on Monday , and maybe we can relax ! Please remember my brother - in - law , John and all those that need our prayers . It was 50 years ago today , as I stood in the bathroom , a paintbrush in my hand . Suddenly the phone rang , and I awaited the news . The covenant of three sisters broke up their cauldron and flew to see who would answer the phone first . " It 's a girl ! " is all I heard . In disbelief I stood there , ready to swallow the paintbrush . Another sister ! Good God ! Pass the paint , I 'm drinking it all ! Me : " Give me the phone . " Sis # 1 : " Sure , ha - ha ! " Me : " Dad ! Are you kidding me ? Is it true ? Another one ? " And so , I was mad at Dad , and didn 't even want to speak to Mom ! Four sisters on my hands , and I knew they would plague my existence for the rest of my formative years . They took my shoelaces and belt away , and I was under 24 - hour watch . I requested it . It actually was hell for the first few months . They took away my room , and I had to share it with the baby . The baby didn 't sleep much . Neither did I . The baby cried a lot , so did I . Who do you think got up at night to feed this kid , since he was conveniently near the crib anyway ? She grew up to be a lovely lady . Spoiled , and often I would mutter to myself : " Lovely , just $ * & ^#@@&^ $ % # lovely ! " But then she had two beautiful children , and met a wonderful guy named Don . She made me proud of her , as you can see from the picture . An assistant principle ! Like my other sisters , she is beautiful , smart and charming . Don 't tell them I said that . HAPPY BIRTHDAY , JOANNE ! You are officially an old fart . 50 years old ! Where did the time fly ? Read last year 's blogue : Monday , March 24 , 2008 . Please remember my brother - in - law , John and MMB ( My Man Bill , who was actually working outside yesterday ! ) and all those that need our prayers . MAYBE GOD DOES WORK IN STRANGE WAYS ! Recently I volunteered my creative services to an organization that helps people like my daughter Ellen . I did because I wanted to , and besides , it will keep my hand in things I use to be good at . In one of my programs , I have been unable to make it do a certain thing that plagued me forever . In working with this agency ( Community Residences , Inc . ) , I needed to send them something in a certain format . The format would not work for me , and it frustrated me . I took the bull by the horns and decided to do some research , that I really dug into . Then it hit me ! And I struck gold ! I got what I was looking to do for three years ! Maybe I will not get to heaven , but I felt like it yesterday . Helping people without reward is reward in itself . I was rewarded with the solving of a problem that was plaguing me , and I was too busy to try to figure out ! Then , boom ! Years ago , when I was applying to colleges , I considered becoming an engineer . I sent away for a catalog from the Milwaukee School of Engineering . On the cover of the book was the letters MSOE . I have a tendency to build mental blocks on some things . ( Yes , I am a blockhead ) and for weeks , MSOE made no sense to me . Then in a dream , I figured it out ! I even heard myself say it , as I read the cover letters . In a dream , no less ! I guess doing something for others does and is reward . HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JENNIFER BOGDAN ! Today she is going on 21 , once again ! Please remember my Brother - in - law , John and MMB ( My Man Bill ) and all those that need our prayers . TLW ( The Little Woman ) has an uncanny knack for analyzing things and putting the proper spin on them . For instance : she will say she was thinking about something or other , and ; " Came to a conclusion " . I on the other hand never gave it a thought ! A vast mental file of events , personalities and conclusions reside in her head , in which she draws from , starting a conversation . I know when it comes to me , she will stare out into space as she announces her conclusion ! Picking a topic , usually recent in events , she lays a bombshell on me and I think : " Yes , that does make sense . " Sometimes , when we ' discuss ' an event , she will draw from her mental files something I said 25 years ago ! It is then that I circle the wagons . This is making me nervous , and I am wondering when she will start to stare into space , say she had a thought , and announce to me ; " Why was it again , you said I should marry you ? " There may be other questions , which may pop up . If they start with " You promised , " I will have to pack up and leave . I think I may be on the short end of fulfillment of promises , ones that I made indiscriminately in my youth . Oh , like riches , fame and " I 'll get better looking with age , I promise ! " This morning she made one of her observations , where she analyzed a fact and concluded ; which impressed me . I mentioned that she should have gone to work for the U . S . State Department years ago . If she did , the Berlin wall and the fall of communism would have occurred in the 1970 's ! Please remember my brother - in - law John and MMB ( My Man Bill ) and all those that need our prayers . It was 37 years ago , the day was a Tuesday , and I sat in a cab for the longest cab ride of my life . Although there were many tears between then and now , it was all worth it ! The cab ride was from the Bay Shore Railroad train station to Southside Hospital , as I tried to get to the hospital from my job in NYC . No , I wasn 't going to emergency , but to the maternity ward to welcome my first - born child , Ellen Mary Del Broccolo . She was beautiful . Prettier than ANY of MY baby pictures ! That says a lot ! She was a bundle of pink and fussy as all get out . But she was beautiful . She still is . She has beautiful black hair , a smile that lights up the darkest night , and a love with no boundaries or pre - requisites . She started me on the road of Fatherhood , although I wish she had a better father . The road has been tough , but we walk it together , step - by - step . Sometimes I stumble , and she can lift me up , sometimes she stumbles , and I try to lift her up . Ellen is the fabric of my life now . She is the meaning of TLW ( The Little Woman ) and my life . We devoted our lives to her , and will continue to do so . If you don 't have a child like Ellen , then God bless you . If you do , may God help you for the rest of your life . Please remember my brother - in - law , John , and MMB ( My Man Bill , and all those that need our prayers . A few mornings ago , I woke up and went to sit on the edge of my bed . As I did , the room started to spin very rapidly . It went away after a while , and thought that I had gotten up too quickly . That evening , as I got up from my chair , I bent down to pick up a newspaper that was lying on the floor . As I did , again , a bout of dizziness , this time almost knocking me down ! That night , I went to bed , and as I lay down , the room started to spin once again . At one point , turned over , and I felt like I was going to fall off the bed ! When I walk , I feel on the verge of spinning out of control . I seem to have trouble holding onto things , dropping them , and I do this all day long ! I think old age has caught up with me ! The dizziness doesn 't stop , day after day , and I 'm scheduled to visit the doctor in May , so I will see if it gets any worse , before I panic . Please remember my Brother - in - law , John and MMB ( My Man Bill ) and all those that need our prayers . May you always have walls for the winds , A roof for the rain , tea beside the fire , Laughter to cheer you , those you love near you , And all your heart might desire . To all my friends , and in - laws ; HAPPY ST . PADDY ' S DAY ! To my children and my girlfriend , TLW ( The Little Woman ) : May St . Patrick guard you wherever you go , And guide you in whatever you do - - And may his loving protection be a blessing to you always . To all my readers : May the road rise to meet you , May the wind be always at your back , May the sun shine warm upon your face , The rains fall soft upon your fields and , Until we meet again , May God hold you in the palm of His hand . To all the people that have expanded the family , be it Irish , Polish , Japanese or English , or any nationality there is : May you have love that never ends , Lots of money , and lots of friends . Health be yours , whatever you do , And may God send many blessings to you ! Today I make a special dish for TLW . Every year I try to do something that is not the usual , but comes from the old sod . This year it is pork chops in ale , with horse - radish mashed potatoes and Irish soda bread , and of course , a glass of ale ! This is a way of connecting TLW with her heritage , and by good grace of Saint Anthony , ( The patron saint of Italy ) I hope she enjoys it . Please remember my Brother - in - law John , MMB ( My Man Bill ) and all those that need our prayers . These two guys are good people , lets keep them around a long time . Like a rat on a sinking ship , she high tailed her way off to New York City . As I sat all alone , with nobody to talk to , she was having a great time at Bruno 's Italian Resturant ! As I listened to the silence , one more time , she was yakking away with her look alike buddies , Toots II and Pat , the Patron Saint of Foxwoods Points ! Who is this ' she ' I speak of ? Why TLW ( The Little Woman ) . To make matters worse , she told me to do the weekly shopping . All of it ! Do you know what it is like to do a woman 's job like food shopping ? Try looking for the frozen spinach . Do they put all the frozen spinach types together in the supermarket freezer ? NOOOOOO ! First , you find creamed spinach , or chopped spinach . Then after the corn , the Brussels sprouts and the string beans , about 20 feet further along , they stick the frozen spinach way on top , so you can 't reach it . All this while she is visiting Madame Tussauds ! Need escarole ? You look for it . You look again . Then you look and look again . Then when you are not looking , they put it on the shelf , as you ask for help , and they want to know if you 'll need help finding your way out of the store ! All this , while she sits in comfort on a big old bus , chewing the fat about her wanna - be bank ! Then , insults upon insults , she says : " Go buy yourself some Chinese food , and I want the change . " I go to the checkout to pay . The checkout lady asks if I have a Waldbaum 's card . I say yes and give her one for a discount . Being I 'm deaf as a doorknob , she asks me if I have a single , and I misunderstand her . I look at her and ask : " Why ? " She looks at me strange , I look at her strange , she says , a single , DO YOU HAVE A SINGLE ? IT WILL AVOID A LOT OF CHANGE FOR THE EXTRA TWENTY YOU ARE HOLDING , SIR . I answered a strong and firm ; " Oh ! " I thought she asked if I was single . The moral here boys and girls is DON ' T SEND THIS IDIOT OUT ALONE , WITHOUT SUPERVISION ! Please remember my Brother - in - law , John , and MMB ( My Man Bill ) , and all those that need our prayers . Today we make a trip out to East Marion , NY , on the north shore of Long Island . We TLW ( The Little Woman ) and I will be visiting a friend of ours . The lady is a friend of TLW 's aunt Mary . Rosetta has adopted us as her family , since all she has is a nephew , Carl . Carl lives on the west end of Long Island . Rosetta is in her late 70 's or early 80 's . She 's a golfer , and loves to entertain . Living with a dog , is all the company she has all day . Living alone way out on the east end of Long Island , these visits are important to her . We make sure to visit as often as we can . One other thing ; Rosetta is deaf . How deaf you ask ? I 'm glad you asked . Deafer than me ! That is deaf ! The conversations are interesting , stimulating , abstract , curious , and darn right noisy . One who did not know better would think a verbal altercation was going on ! All that yelling ! Rosetta is a sweet woman . She will give you the shirt off her back , and although you probably wouldn 't want to see that , it is true . After a day with Rosetta that includes : snacks , dinner with wine and dessert , a good old yelling slug fest , and leisurely drives to and from her home , we settle in at night with a good old Jack Daniel Manhattan and a few throat lozenges . Last night I opened my e - mail and found an email from TLC ( The Lovely Carol ) my next door neighbor . It seems MMB ( My Man Bill ) thought he was having a heart attack , turns out it is Pancreatitis ! If you ever wanted to pray for a good guy , a good family , and a man who has all the Christian values that are preached , but few hold up to , then pray for MMB . He is too good a man to have anything happen to . Do this as a favor for me . I will try to keep you abreast of things as I hear . Please remember my brother - in - law John , MMB ( My Man Bill ) , and all those that need our prayers . Yes , it was Mr . Smith Goes to Washington , all over again ! 20 years ago , I used to mind my own business . Now I go to speak first hand with politicians . It seems that a major issue occupies my mind , and I need to speak with a state senator about it . So , off I go to the state offices in Hauppauge , NY , to fight the good fight . The State of New York , under the leadership of Governor Patterson , has decided to take away residential development for the mentally and physically disabled , do away with a COLA for the good day care workers , and slash funding for Day Habilitation for people with mental disabilities . These people are easy targets because they as a whole ; don 't really vote . Some do , but not the majority . So , along with the Executive Director of Suffolk AHRC , we marched to State Senator Brian X . Foley 's office . Before I could even get into his office , I had to past a metal detector . This can be confusing when you don 't have a carry - on bag , and they all look at you like your nuts , without your shoes on ! Now the fellow with the wand , we 'll call him ' Wando ' , no hablo Englis , and dam if I could understand him , as the alarm went off ! Wando : " Ahuaize hur harme senor ! " Me : " Huh ? Wando : " Hur arhmes sir , ahuraize dem . " I finally catch on , raise my arms and hope that if terrorists ever attack the place , he doesn 't get the job of shouting out the orders on what to do . We find the office of the good senator , who happens to be away , and talk to his lovely assistant . She writes down my issues for her boss , we exchange cards and we leave . Having both made a plea : an explanation and a request to address the issues , we leave with hope . As we leave , there stands Wando in his same stance , bullying another English speaking taxpayer ! Please remember my brother - in - law and all those that need our prayers . And , an insidious disease known as cancer claims another young life . DD has lost her battle with the disease , and now we move on . I met DD a few times , I hardly spoke to her , I last saw her by accident at the cancer center at Stony Brook Hospital as she and her lovely mother Sue were getting off the elevator as I was leaving . Having a child with a disease sucks , losing one sucks even more . I know ; I 've been there . There is nothing one can say . " I 'm sorry , " sounds kind of worn - out . And what have we lost ? We 've all lost a young person , a young woman , but a potential for more . What potential ? A potential to bring new life to this earth , a potential to help cure a disease maybe , or a potential to save lives or some kind of good works . DD was young ; her days should have been ahead of her , not behind . When I think of all the evil that lurks about , the scum that lies cheats and steals from us all , I wonder what she could have possibly done at 18 years of age ? Why ? " For all sad words of tongue and pen , The saddest are these , ' It might have been ' . " John Greenleaf WhittierThank you if you have kept DD in your prayers . No one will remember , but God . Please remember my brother - in - law John , and all those that need our prayers . If you wish to call me that ! Of course , I don 't consider myself a writer , just a bloguer , someone who likes to write . This month marks the third year of this blogue . I use ' blogue ' instead of the familiar ' blog ' , to have some fun and laugh at myself ; besides , ' blogue ' looks classier , no ? I enjoy getting things off my chest , or a good laugh . In the past three years , I 've written about my life , from when I was born to yesterday . All of it is laughable ! In the next year , I intend to continue with new stories , observations and thoughts . Hopefully you will respond as some of you have . If you have any questions you would like to ask me , just use the comment box at the end of each blogue , or email me at ; delgraphics @ optonline . net , or joedelbroccolo @ yahoo . com . I will answer each either in the blogue or in an email . ThanksPlease remember DD and John , my brother - in - law , and all those that need our prayers . Yesterday was the big day I have been waiting for . TLW ( The Little Woman ) completed my blanket , mine , my very own ! Having your own personalized blanket is very important . Ask Linus . First , TLW made the blanket to match my complexion . Secondly , it will come in handy when I croak : she can just throw it over me until they come to leave me at the curb . ( Tuesdays and Fridays ) I will be able to hide stuff under it , and when she falls off to sleep , sneak a piece of it . Finally , we will match , her under her blanket , me under mine , in our recliners , drifting in and out of sleep , all night long , in front of the TV ! Two old foggies , cast away in slumber ! Just like two lampshades ! With this blanket , I may even take up thumb sucking ! When someone makes you a gift that takes a long time , you treasure it . You pay careful attention to where you leave it , how you leave it , ad how to treat it . This took a lot of work and time ! Even the edging is beautiful . I 'm funny that way . Make me something and I savor or treasure it as long as possible . When TLW makes it , FORGETTABOUTIT ! Please remember DD and my brother - in - law John , and all those that need our prayers . TLW ( The Little Woman ) gets a magazine called AARP . She doesn 't look like she should , but she does ! I took it one day this week to wait for # 2 Son to get out of class , and on the cover was Dustin Hoffman . He got old ! I started to think about all the people I know or knew , people from so long ago . People that I took for granted , that they would always be there and would always remain the same . I thought about my parents , as I remember them , not as they are now . Dad is gone , and Mom is 90 , almost 91 ! I see my sisters and I don 't see their age , unless I look closely , but ; it is not their age I see . I see , and hear them as they were once , long ago . I remember friends from past years , some I hear from , some I seek out , some , are alive , some not . I recall places I 've been to , places I took for granted . These very same places are no longer the same . Just in my memory . Places that have aged , like people . Places that need an overhaul , or are gone , replaced with new buildings and new people . People , who I don 't know work or live there , What happened ? I can hear the sounds of laughter , the sights that comforted me , sounds and sights I no longer see or hear . It is getting very quiet . Soon I will start to count who is left , and then I will no longer count . I used to worry about what people thought of me . I know that not everyone likes or agrees with me . I guess that comes with life . Now I worry no more ! There is a whole new world out there , or is it the old world , just changing again ? Is it not the same ground ? The same world that I lived in a few years ago , that my ancestors lived in ? George Washington lived in the same world I share . Do I worry I don 't fit in , or that people find me out of date ? We are all changing ! We will all be that building that exists no more , whether we wish to acknowledge it or not . We will all be a distant memory . So , I don 't worry . In a hundred years from now , no one will notice , or care . That I wore or said something that was out of whack , no one would know it occurred . Please remember Johnposted by Joseph Del Broccolo at 12 : 00 AM | Yesterday , ( Saturday ) , after the long cold spell we had , the weather changed to beautiful ! I opened the rear door , for the screen , and enjoyed a day of warmth ! Days like yesterday made me want to do more than I should . So , I purchased paint for the hall and downstairs toilet , I went out for a walk , fixed the kitchen faucet , swept up , and cleaned my car , inside and out . Then I went ahead and planned the meals for the week and made a list of what I need . I cooked dinner , and did some writing . I was a busy scout ! At the end of the day - pain ! All the pain I would want , in my right foot , the bad one . Over 41 years ago , I was involved in a car accident , as a passenger . My head went through the windshield , and the engine sat next to me when it was over . I had a compounded fracture of the right foot and glass in my head ! I was a mess . I landed in the hospital for a week and suffered the pain at home for almost six months ! Today , I can 't stand on my feet for long ; dance and I can 't climb a ladder . If I do any of those things , the foot feels like someone stuck it with a knife . But tomorrow , if the day is nice , I will become ambitious once again , and suffer the consequences . Stupid ? No ! I just won 't let it get me down . HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LINDA MARK ! Please remember DD and my brother - in - law , John , and all those that need our prayers . Sitting in my studio , typing away , I was suddenly hit with some shocking news the other day ! Now TLW ( The Little Woman ) and I have spent a fortune on # 2 Son 's education . Our fervent hope is that he makes something of himself . Having guided him through his formative years , then through high school and now college . We have discussed his ambitions , how he wanted to drive a white panel truck throughout the country and play in a band . Going from venue to venue was how he saw his life . Of course there was no talking him out of that one , then other ideas replaced that one and so we went . Stepping into the threshold of the studio , with a slight bow he made his announcement . Being a man of ambition once myself , I see fulfilling of ambition a lot of hard work . # 2 sees it as a click of the mouse ! " I have just become a minister ! " Being around for some time now , I didn 't get too excited . If this guy ever became a minister , I 'd stop believing in God ! " Really . " And I went on typing . " Yes , I did it on line ! It was so easy ! I never thought I 'd be something like that ! " " Yes ! That is something ! What is the name of your church ? " Why not play along ? " THE UNIVERSAL UNITARIAN CHURCH ! " " What makes your church different from say a Methodist church ? " I asked . " Oh ! We practice all religions ! " he stated proudly . With him as the head of a church , the sacrament would be a daily one . That is , one bottle of beer from a six pack , for six days , and on the seventh , he would ask his mother for money to buy another six pack ! Let us pray ! Please remember DD and my brother - in - law John , and all those who need our prayers . The other morning I decided to take a ride over to the library and take out a book . I used to take out women , but somehow that all changed , it was so long ago , and I 've forgotten why it changed ! As I perused the shelves of the Sachem Public Library , I came upon a book on a shelf about Gil Hodges , a great Brooklyn Dodger first baseman and New York Mets manager . ( 1969 World Champions ! ) The book looked like something I would want to read . As I looked at the cover , it came over me that maybe the book looked familiar . Did I read it ? I got a little closer and it seemed to look a little familiar . I thought I would thumb through the book to see if it was familiar . Reaching up , I took the book down and started to fan through the pages , when I suddenly came upon a piece of paper stuck in the pages . Yup , I read it all right . A receipt I got from a doctor 's visit was used as a bookmark ! I said to myself ( I do that a lot ! ) , wait ' til I tell TLW . ( The Little Woman ) Say : " ' til I tell TLW " three times ! ( Feels stupid , no ? ) That night , TLW and I are talking . ( Well , she 's talking , I 'm listening ) and I remember the library ! I start to tell her about it , and go into the den where my book was , and pull out the receipt , and bring it over to her . I give her the paper and she says : " Fifteen dollars ! ! ! " Please remember DD and my brother - in - law , John and all those that need our prayers . It is so hard to do ! This morning I stopped for a red light in my car , and right in front of me was a school bus . The bus had glass - paneled doors that fit into the back rear emergency door of the bus . In the bus were some 2nd or 3rd graders , who were looking out the rear door . I will be 64 in July . My mother is still waiting for me to grow up . I probably won 't ever grow up ! Anyway , this urge overcame me . I stuck my tongue out at the kids . One kid nearly fell out of his clothes as he called over his buddy . Pointing at me , he told his buddy what I did , they laughed and stuck their tongues out at me ! ( I don 't know where these kids get this stuff from ? ) I decided that as an older person , I would not take this stuff from them , so I put my thumb on the end of my nose and wiggled my fingers . This is an much profanity one can use without using real profanity , and still be legal . Just then , the bus moved ahead of me and one kid stuck his tongue out again , another gave me the wiggle fingers , and another , flipped me the bird ! ( No , I did not flip it back . ) So , I have contributed to bad behavior , childish , immature , bad behavior . The kind of behavior that would have sent me down to the principle 's office and Brother Justinian ! I 've decided , I need to get a little classier . So , in an attempt to rebuild my self - image , and that of the world 's view of me , I am no longer writing a ' blog ' , but instead , I will refer to it as a ' blogue ' I can feel the class oozing out of me , even as I write this ! Please remember DD and my brother - in - law , John , and all those that need our prayers . Ladies and gentlemen , and all those who read this blogue , be on the lookout for a Jewish PITA ( Pain In The Ass ) who goes by the name of Phil Mark . Known to drive people up the wall , to rip their hair out of their heads , and to just break down and cry for long periods . Who is this guy ? Beats me ! He keeps showing up in my life ! When I went to college for an education , I got one , I met him ! When I got married , and thought the world would improve , who shows up as my best - man ? Him ! When on the altar , who screws up the priest and gets communion ? Him ( He IS Jewish ! ) When I had my daughter baptized , who was the godfather ? HIM ! Yes , he just keeps showing up like a bad penny . If you don 't believe me , then ask his wife , Linda , or his children : Jason , Justin and Danielle . Today he celebrates his birthday . He is so old : he wears a plague that describes him as a historical landmark ! So , if you run into him , DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO HIS EYES ! Instead , count yourself lucky you met him ! HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHIL , I STILL LOVE YOU ! Please remember DD and John my brother - in - law , and all those that need our prayers . Or , Just How Cold IS It ? I went out for my usual roll and coffee this morning , and asked the young fellow behind the counter if he knew just how cold it was outside . I 'll tell you in a moment . You must wonder if I 'm retired , why I go out every morning for a roll and coffee . For precisely that reason , to get out for a moment , just like I used to do , to see what 's new in coffee cups , coffee urns and good - looking girls . So far , all I know about is coffee , and girls with good eyesight ! So , I get my coffee and select a pre - wrapped buttered roll , and go to pay for it . A young fellow is behind the cash register and is dressed funky . We used to call it dressing like a bum , but now it 's called , funky . Me : " Do you know how cold it is outside ? " The Test Pilot For Good Will : " No ? " Me : " It 's so cold , the radio reported this morning that the Statue Of Liberty has her torch under her skirt ! " The Test Pilot For Good Will : " Huh ? Oh . " ? It IS probably me . Maybe I need something stronger than coffee . My neighbor , MMB , ( My Man Bill , is probably the best neighbor you could possibly have . Not only did he clear out my driveway , but he came back a second time to clear it again . He probably figured it is better than having me hang around the neighborhood . Mr . Ignellzi , my neighbor across the street , did something yesterday I never saw him do before . He was actually wearing winter clothes ! I usually see him in a T - shirt and shorts , barefooted outside , no matter what the weather . So much for important information this day . Please remember DD , my brother - in - law John , and all those that need our prayers . Especially smokers . It sure does ! I 'm sick of hearing people complain about it ! Me , I enjoy it . Give me a cup of coffee and a good movie , and let it snow , let it snow ; let it snow ! Yesterday I got " What for ? " from TLW ( The Little Woman ) . It seems she was slightly perturbed by the picture of her used lately on the blog . Seems that I went too far ! Mind you , this photo is for illustrative purposes only , and only slightly enhanced with the red nose , which I toned down . It wouldn 't have been a problem if a certain sister - in - law from Virginia hadn 't brought it up . I don 't want to mention names but her initials were Angela Manning 's ' ! Aside from that : I apologize , and promise not to let that happen again . I love TLW , and would never do anything to hurt her . We put the local TV station on this morning . They were all excited about the storm , since it made them relevant to the day . Proudly they announced the school closings , the road conditions and the weather . Everyone should have a job . This storm that hit today is the worst since I don 't remember when ! Over 10 " of snow ! Looks like before it is over , there will be 14 " to 15 " on the ground ! We were supposed to go out to East Marion to visit a friend . It is usually a very pleasant drive , through the north shore of Long Island . I was looking forward to the drive , very slow paced and peaceful . So much for that ! Today we will spend the day staring down # 2 Son , a movie , a little writing and some reading . I also would like to start on an art project I need to get done . Stay safe and healthy . I forgive you AM ! Please remember DD , John my brother - in - law , and all those that need our prayers . ' Happy ' , my cocker spaniel is getting old ! She can no longer hear , as she sleeps all day , and total strangers step over her ! Yesterday we had two strange people in our house ; one was # 2 's girl friend and the other a friend of his . Happy hates strangers . Happy hates other dogs , and even used to bark at her reflection in the mirror ! She never heard or saw anyone ! Being a little deaf myself , we understand each other perfectly . I can tune out things like loud annoying or repetitive noises , a wife or even a priest giving a sermon . This is a blessing , as I can sleep all night , and even with my eyes opened ! Attending board of director meetings , I don 't need to hear , as long as I have the minutes in front of me from the last meeting . Although I am noted as outspoken , I do enjoy the quietness that I employ when I want to . However , Happy is taken on another clue to her age . She can 't see that well ! It seems that when TLW ( The Little Woman ) would let her out in the morning , on occasion she would fall into the pool ! At 4 : 00 am in the morning , snow and ice all around , TLW would try to fish her out ! I suspect that she couldn 't negotiate the backyard in the dark . Now , when I let her out , I keep the outside lights on for her . At night , when she wants to come upstairs to bed with us , she can 't find the stairway , and stands at the bottom and barks . I have to go down , and physically carry her upstairs ! She doesn 't roam around the house in the dark like she used to . She used to sit on guard at the staircase , watching the front door when I would work in my studio upstairs . Now , she joins me in my studio , asleep on the floor . If someone is at the door , I hear the door before she even stirs a little ! I have decided to rename ' Happy ' , ' Dopey ' ! Please remember all those like DD and my brother - in - law , John who need our prayers . There are few times in my married life where I witnessed TLW ( The Little Woman ) not feeling well , this is one of them ! It seems that # 2 Son has brought home a nasty cold , which he gave to me , and then gave to his Mom . I would never do that . Since he is out of my will for the cold , he is now further out of the will because he gave it to TLW . TLW now hates him and me for this intrusion on her health , as she drags it back and forth to work ! I told her to take a sick day , but she looked at me like I have grown an eye in my chin . What can I do ? When she sits there in her chair , her nose is stuffed and she hides under a blanket or two , and with sullen solemnity , she naps . I feel very bad for her , and wish I could take the symptoms for her . Sleeping is a job ! TLW has to sleep with an extra pillow , her head propped and fighting the stuffiness , even to sleep ! As for me , I still have this annoying cough , which attacks at any time , but especially hard in the A . M . It seems that I have gotten a few too many colds this winter , and frankly , I am starting to get annoyed . But , TLW ! When she is sick , the lines of communication fail , we talk very little and I miss her . Oh , she is right there , but she is in another world . I guess I try to look out for her , but she insists on carrying on . A real trooper . I like to go off by myself until I feel better . No point watching others enjoy their health while I 'm under the weather . But when TLW is ailing , the whole world ails too . Ahh chooo ! Pardon me ! Please remember DD and John and all those that need our prayers . |
when he heard the news . The bastard wouldn 't even pay for his medical bills . Vilenne had to help him pay them , since he didn 't have insurance , which his up to him , and he looked away from her when she put her paws on his shoulders . " I 'm glad you could make it , little bro . I know that couldn 't be easy . " glasses onto the pallet . But when the clock hit 7 : 00pm , he threw his towel over his shoulder and headed straight for the time clock . He punched out , went back Navy contracts . I could send down some people from the New Hampshire and Virginia yards and get them restaffed quick . I 'd just have to ram the merger approval wonder you drove that old bastard crazy . You sure don 't speak like a Vulpan . Six years of private school and proper English lessons , down the drain . " laced his fingers , then set his muzzle atop them , lost in thought . A phone . He couldn 't disagree with her reasoning , and that was the only reason he accepted one of those phones that would work anywhere in the entire world , like hers . That global plan deal . Although … it would give the family a means to get in CEO of the family business . It was an indication of his sister 's personality . In private , she was warm , funny , kind , and sweet , but in public , she was every in a strangled whisper , her fur already ruffling out . She was going to do it ! She was really going to go over there and try to set them up ! anything like that before , " Sam said clinically . " At least not in person . I 've seen pictures of it in my medical journals , though . It 's a genetic said with a laugh , patting him on the shoulder . " I can get it from here , cutie . Go take care of whatever that is boss wants . " satellite plan , bro . It 'll work almost anywhere . Use it however you want . The number for the phone is on a post - it stuck to the phone inside the box . I but at least in that regard , he 'll get his wish . I 'm never going back to Boston , Vil . They turned their backs on me when I needed help the most , and I won 't ever seriously . " I almost peed myself when I read about that rabbit in New Orleans and the soup can ! " She broke out into a gale of delighted laughter . a fiction writer , Kit . At the very least , you should put these up on a blog . And write your journal as a blog . You could call it ' A Poor Little Rich Boy 's menu , and she spent a long moment looking at it . " Oh , yeah . Marcus ! Stav ! Go ahead and get something to eat , on me ! " she called to the two panthers who should think of hanging around a while , then , " Vil urged . " Find an apartment . Get a better job than this . Maybe get into a position where you do have were sixteen , and no thanks to them . You don 't owe the family a damn thing . Don 't let them run your life now . Do what you want . If you want backs on you years ago , so what you do now is none of their damned business . You 've already been disowned . If any of them thinks they 're going to put we 're related , " she teased back . " I love ya , bro . I 'll see you soon . Bye . " She kissed him on the cheek , then turned and walked away . He watched her go her out of his mind ? He never even talked to her , for crying out loud ! She could be a ditz . She could be crazy . Hell , she could be some psycho look to her to be asked out by a dishwasher who lived in a homeless shelter ? She 'd laugh in his face ! Such a beautiful cat wouldn 't even entertain being moving . By the time he got down to the Java Joint , it would probably be open . It was nearly noon , and he wanted to get a seat before the church crowds were met all kinds of people . He 'd met European royalty in a bar in New Orleans , and had a chilling brush with an escaped murderer in Hattiesburg , Mississippi . He 'd sit down and strike up conversations with people , and they 'd just talk he finished . She nodded , her face frizzing in a blush of embarrassment . He chuckled . " No , I was hit by a car when I was in college , that 's where I lost my ear . It a quick moment , then took a sip of her soda . What was she supposed to say ? What should she do ? She wanted to learn more about him , but she was so interesting . I 've been keeping a journal of it as I move from place to place . Things I 've seen , people I 've met , the stories they 've told . Everyone has a she giggled . " Everyone but you and me has that drawl . Goodness , Sandy 's from Utah , and even she speaks with a drawl now . I swear , it must be viral she was trying her best not to fall down and embarrass herself . Sandy , on the other hand , had no such reservations . She flopped down on her butt almost coming to an unsteady stop they way he taught her . He circled around Sandy , then reached down and helped her up . Jessie watched as he did the same for Sandy he did for her , holding her paws and skating backwards as he explained how to move to said , taking a few cleansing breaths . " And it wasn 't your fault , Sandy . I just landed the wrong way . Would you two mind if I go sit down for a minute ? " didn 't want to concern them … that , or he didn 't want them to see him like that . Either way , she just nodded to Sandy and went back out on the rink with her . " I 'm sorry , JD , I didn 't realize I hit him so hard , " she apologized . to side , then start back out onto the ice . He glided over to them easily . " Sorry about that . Hope I didn 't upset you . " ago , " he answered . " The docs told me my back would always be a little tender . Stuff like that 's happened before , it 's no big deal . I 'm fine . " over to that concession stand and get something . Be back in a bit . " Sandy gave her a wink where he couldn 't see , then went towards the opening . was trying to think of what to say , and then his cheek fur ruffled a little . He was nervous ! Finally , his veneer of confidence was stripped away , you 're still running from a family that hates you , but you 're still afraid of . How would I feel if Mom and Dad turned their backs on me ? I 'd feel totally it open and pulled a little post - it note off of it , and handed it to her . " That 's the number of the phone , " he told her , folding it into her paw . " But and if you 're really ready to take a chance on someone like me , then call me . I 'll be waiting for you . I promise . " thing . Calm down , " she called in a steady , cool voice . " Just calm down . Working yourself into a seizure isn 't going to help right now . " alright , " she said soothingly . " If you want my advice , just wait a while . She 's going to call you , baby bro . That 's a guarantee . You said she was shy , it . You have a close - up color picture of me in your files ? Good . " A pause . " No , Vicki , it has to be in color . It does no good at all if it 's in business ? " Vilenne laughed after a pause . " This is important to me , Vicki . It 's very important . More important than money . " A pause . " It has to be very , very busy . He was up at five , before dawn , and hit the floor running . His first stop was Wal - Mart , where he bought clothes that he felt looked decent also own the magazine . Lone Star is circulated mainly on campus and in town , College Station , and we just started shipping to San Antonio . I like to have my reporters are kind of interesting , " he noted . " It 's country with a sense of humor . That 's fresh . Outside of them , it 's all sort of cookie - cutter music . " and had to resist the urge to let out a whoop right there in the restaurant . He had a real job ! He threw away the burger he 'd thrown on the table , settle for his first offer . You know how to research , so research . Find out how much other researchers make , and take it to ' em ! Show ' em how me over , " she laughed . " We heard him talking to his sister on his cell phone . He said he got a new job at Lone Star magazine , " she said , then she looked back Jessie laughed . " There 's something he 's not telling me , " she told them . " He even admitted it . He tried to tell me about his family , and said that I probably wouldn 't believe information broke the wall of her shyness . He was dying for her to call him . He really wanted to see her , she was very impressed with what he was talked about school . He talked about living on the road . She talked about Cincinnati and her family . He talked about how life had been just after he 'd been news . It was a morning tradition for her . " Hold it right there ! " Sandy boomed . " You tie up the phone all night , and think you 're gonna sneak out of here Jessie giggled . " What didn 't we talk about is the better question , " she grinned coyly . " The only reason we stopped is cause his cell battery died ! " have more money than some third world nations . You 've heard of the Kennedys ? Well , the Vulpans are like the Kennedys , but they never got into politics . " over her shoulders . A few mouse clicks brought up the University of Massechusetts main page , and she quickly found her way over to the library page . She clicked that he was tearing up . " Oh , Kit , I 'm not angry , " she told him immediately . " You warned me yourself that you didn 't know how to tell me without sounding serious , it doesn 't matter to me . You 're worth the risk . You 're worth it . Can you meet me halfway and share the risk with me , Kit ? " won 't get you arrested , we don 't care , " he grinned . " There 's no dress code here . Now , about a place to live . You should look at the area around Bergstrom day going from apartment to apartment , and blackballing each one . Too small . Too run down . Too many whores strutting up and down the sidewalk outside . Roommates that were too obnoxious . Too far from campus . Too scary . He the other bedroom as an office , " he mused . " And seven twenty five is a bit steep for my salary , but I can manage it . And it is close to work . " asked , then he reached under his desk and pulled out a copy of the magazine . " I read it every week , " he grinned . " Now , since you work for a magazine I back and stared at the ceiling . Maybe things really were working out for him . He had a decent job now , his own apartment , and about a half a mile away , there life . And now that Kit was there to help him research , he 'd get even better . Barry had been doing almost all the research for the magazine , and Kit was in the new piece , " he said , bringing up a document . It was from his journals . " We 're gonna call it ' through my eyes , ' and pick out some of the stories and me . They rode him so hard , I broke up with him just to get them off his back . But we still see each other in secret , " she grinned . made Kit laugh , " so I like to put as many viewpoints as I can on the page . It 's a pretty cool gig . Rick hired me just to be the receptionist at first , when does Marty Wexler not want to attract attention ! Bring it , honey ! I 'm a drama queen ! " He struck a Madonna - like pose , looking imperiously up at apartment , barely more than a mile . He pulled into his space , and motioned . " Well , here we are , " he said . " Home sweet home , or something like that . " door for her . " Kit just got an apartment , and he didn 't have anything at all . It was totally empty . So I helped him buy what he needed for it . " She smack some hormones into that male , " she said , which caused some giggling . " I 've never met a male that didn 't at least try after the third date . I well , " he chuckled . " I 'm heading out , so you need to clear outta here , Kit . Unless you want to be locked in . My wife takes a dark opinion of it when I 'm Sam . " She led him up the sidewalk . " Sam 's the skunk you saw that first day . She 's in pre - med . She 's really smart . Was valedictorian and of the sorority members were home . Jessie took the basket from him while Sandy and a gray cat converged on him from the couch . " Kit ! " Sandy called . " You 're strummed the guitar absently . " I was starting to learn to play a guitar . Clancy smuggled one into the house for me , " he remembered , his eyes distant . " My father found it , and he broke it right in front of me . Then he told me smile . " That wasn 't as much a mistake as you think it was , " she told him . " She thought it was a good kiss . " She opened the book again . " And you 'd them recognized him from the magazine . One of them even startled him with a question . " Dude , who was that gorgeous cat that was kissing you ? " the lemur asked . liked him , and he knew it . She was looking forward to this date , and he knew it . So was he . But he was still nervous . Maybe Vil was right and she didn 't like dinner . " I can 't stand Chesnutt , " Jessie said , shuddering her shoulders . " That dialect he uses is the written equivalent of nails on a blackboard . " about fifteen minutes or so getting ready , on the average , " he explained . " Then the conductor will come out , and we 'll applaud . He 'll get the orchestra shocked when the concert was over . He didn 't remember the end of the Ninth . He couldn 't recall a single bar of Brahms ' concerto . He just looked up and him . Subconsciously , he started leaning down towards her , slowly , hesitantly . He could see the invitation , but he remembered what happened the last time . He down at his paws . " I resented it , and then I began to resent him , and them . So I started to rebel . Ever since I was twelve , me and my father had something Vil , " he told her . " I guess I shouldn 't be surprised you saw a picture of it . They put it in Furs . Anyway , since Vil has always been on my side , it 's looping around him , even felt her long - haired tail wrap sensually around his . It was sheer bliss , and he was almost disappointed when it was over . She grinned , pushing herself into his arms , tapping him playfully on the nose . Then she leaned in and kissed him again . " Mmm , well , one thing 's for sure . " network when he bought a desktop . Kit rather liked the wireless part , though . He could use his laptop anywhere in the apartment , even sitting out by the door wasn 't his . Not only furniture , but he had cable , internet , and a radio , too . All he needed now was a DVD player , a good stereo , and some music and movies to going to do a little work there . There 's a steel company there in Austin , and I want to give it a once - over to see if it 's worth buying . I 'm also going to talk to one of the smaller oil companies about a contract with the Galveston repair facility . I told them I 'd talk to them about it there in Austin . Their CEO is going to fly out and meet me tomorrow afternoon at a satellite office don 't mind cooking , I can 't very much demand anything specific , " he chuckled . " Just surprise me . There should be an X - Box in here , " he said eagerly . " And I my mom calls , make something up , stall , do something , can you do that for me ? Thanks . Okay . Bye . " She leaned forward and put the phone on the coffee indescribable . And though she was a virgin , she was in no way shy or timid . She was beyond ready to be deflowered . She was very … enthusiastic . And very internet , that he was in love with Jessica Williams . He was in love with a cat . They could all go to hell . It was his life , and he 'd live it any way he with me , " she winked , then she flopped down on his chest and kissed him . " Mmmm , " she hummed , then she began to purr . " Well , their mission is her more than enoguh time to go in , change , and get her books for her classes . He helped her out , and she gave him a long , lingering , sensual , intimate kiss . " Jessie . " little , " she admitted , her cheeks ruffling . " But can it wait a little while ? A night like that isn 't something you just talk about . It was wonderful . " " I 'd know if he was . I know him very well , Sandy . I could tell if he wasn 't sincere . No , he lost gave her a class at 9 : 00am and another class at noon . On Mondays and Wednesdays she also had a class at 1 : 00 , but that was a two hour class . But instead of slender and sleek , with curvy hips and a slightly smaller than average bust . Jessie came up to her , and the fox offered her paw . " It 's nice to meet you , have a hug than a handshake . You are dating my brother , after all , " she laughed . " Now please , get in , get in ! We have a lot to talk about outside of Kit 's there , in its facing seats , and there was a TV set into the side of the limo . It was clearly a rental , but it was meticulously clean and very snazzy . Vil she winked . " So … you 're going out with Kit . First thing , honey , thank you . He 's totally crazy about you , and you 've given him the first happiness he 's had she sighed . " I think it would have been much different if Mom had lived . Anyway , Kit 's had a very rough time of it , honey . I 've done what I can to make it as easy as possible , but I have to be careful , and Kit 's very independent . He doesn 't like it when I meddle . If he 's found happiness with you , you 'll femme that 's fun to talk to . " Her smile faded . " Now , as to that other thing . Just because my family knows I 'll come at them like a pissed off bitch if they interfere with Kit , that doesn 't mean that they might not try behind my back . That 's where you come in . Hon , Kit will never tell me if his uncles start for sure , but also call them immediately . They 'll come to help you . They 're at your service , hon , even if you just don 't feel comfortable walking hard at all . " She reached into the bag , and produced a pair of two keys . " Here you go . One 's for your new Corolla , the other goes to Kit 's Pathfinder . " about it until she saw how Kit felt about it . She might have to give it up . She wouldn 't keep it if it bothered him that much , she knew how he felt about hire , and I have a high standard . If you work for me , you will work . But I 'll take good care of you in return . " think needs to be done , " she told him archly , poking her finger in his chest . " If you 'll notice , I didn 't stuff a check in your pocket . I bought you a car . I bought you something you need , and no amount of whining about it is going to change that fact . I bought you your laptop because you needed it . I gave you that phone because you needed it . And now I 'm giving you a car , and you want to keep it , love , then I 'd never step on your happiness . Never feel you have to ask me for permission for anything . You know how you might need something that can carry cargo . I bought Jessie a Corolla . It 's the perfect car for a student . It 's small and gets great gas mileage . Hello , this is Vilenne Vulpan . I want to speak to Steve Cruthers . " She tapped her foot . " Yes , this is Vilenne Vulpan . Has my Pathfinder been delivered ? Where ? I didn 't see it when we pulled up . Ah , very good . Thank you , Mister charcoal gray Pathfinder , brand new , still with the stickers on the window . " There it is , " she said with a nod . " I gave you a month of insurance , baby amenable to being swayed before you start arguing with him , " she explained . " As he argues , he rationalizes his points and gets more and more stubborn . Never let him do that . If you do , you won 't move him . Get in his face powerful . She was warm and personable , and she was very … affable . Jessie wasn 't quite sure why they called her the Ice Queen when what she 'd seen bluntly . " You 're not taking a copy of my house key back to Boston . That 's just begging one of our uncles to steal it . " look out for my baby bro . He sometimes doesn 't think of things like that . It 's one of his faults . But I love him anyway . " said simply . " My bro is smart , hon . He 'll learn , and he 'll be wiser for it . Now , let 's go finish up that meeting . I 'll need you . " maintenance for your car . If it ever breaks down , call the dealership . They 'll fix it for free . I also want you to take it there for everything you wasn 't going to roust him to see him tomorrow . She had to get back to Boston . Besides , she confided to him privately , she knew that Kit and Jessie only had one thinks that 's her job , so he doesn 't get the chance to do it often . Only when mom 's feeling really tired or he wants to pamper her . It 's not a big Jessie 's phone rang . She went over to her purse and dug it out , and Kit went back to his dinner . " She did what ? " Jessie demanded . " No , no , it 's ok Danny . Did he leave , or does he - okay . Hello ? No , officer , I 'm fine , " she said in a calm voice . " I 've been staying at a friend 's house , that 's all , and I kinda told my friends very much sir . I will . Goodbye . " She closed the phone , then actually screamed ! " My mother called the cops ! " she said fiercely . " Because I haven 't been your problems away , pretty kitty . I 've seen what happens to those who do . It 's a road best never putting a single foot on . " He squeezed her gently . " But , a glass of wine does help take the edge off of it . Would you like one ? " almost everything I need now , Jess . From here out , my pay is just for living . I can easily support both of us for the rest of the semester . " pretty kitty , " he told her , kissing her on the cheek . " A nap does wonders . Things won 't seem quite so bad when you wake up . " consider what you say to her the next time you talk to her , Misses Williams . If you make her too angry , she 'll have nothing to do with you . And she won 't need missing . If that 's not enough proof , then go to the website of my magazine . Lone star magazine , all one word , dot com . You 'll see a picture of me in the something . See , I 've been disowned . That 's why I never had my ear fixed . Honestly , I can 't afford it , and I refuse to take any money from my family . But you see , my sister still loves me , and she 'll do me a favor . Her name is in a little harder . " I 'll never take a dime from my family , Mister Williams . As far as I 'm concerned , all of them but my sister can rot in hell . But where go eventually , " Kit noted . " She 's twenty - one , Mister Williams . She 's an adult . She can walk into any bar and order anything she wants . Take it from someone reciprocated . He was an English professor tenured at the University of Cincinnati , whose subject of expertise was Rennaisance literature , specifically Shakespeare . He enjoyed to cook , and he was also an avid sport shooter , which surprised him . Yes , Dad . Yes , Dad , " she said , with a little exasperation . " Honestly ? I want to stay here . This is Kit 's home , and I want to be near him . If I have the screen , and sighed . " Hello , " she said , in a not quite enthusiastic voice . " Yes , Mom , I 'm at his house . I don 't have a laptop , remember ? I need this the wrong way , but I 'm talking to my boss on the other phone right now . Would it be a bother if I called you back ? It shouldn 't take more than ten that way . Besides , he also didn 't want their marriage to impact her school . He 'd give her the ring , probably on Sunday , and after that they could sit down do it , they tried to kill me because of me , " he said unflinchingly . " Don 't ever think that this is your fault , my pretty kitty . But , I do transferred the IV hooked up to his arm to a stand attached to the bed . " Alright , Kit , away we go , " the doctor said . " You 'll be in and out quick , and under , when he woke up , he was violently ill . And this time was no different . It was hard to be dignified retching into a pan , and even less so when one did certainly seemed to sense that , for they 'd dug up someone far , far from Boston to do the deed . And they must have warned the guy . He didn 't fly or take any kind relative terms among people who are in hospitals , " he said with a grin . " You 'll see , pretty kitty , they 'll have me out of here in just a day or two . They that there might be complications . But under it all was that simple love . Since their first meeting , she 'd been swept off her feet by him . herself . To her , it was worth the risk to see him , because he was worth it . He was perfect , the male God had put on this Earth for her to find and to them , really . She had to admit that to herself . But , she was an adult . This was her life , this was her choice , and she wasn 't going to be afraid of thought I had them all well leashed , but I see now I was in grievous error . I 'll make sure your family never gets dragged into this . They 'll be just through life . I thought for a while that it was going to end up killing him . It was a rough life , hon , a lot rougher than he ever let on . I know , I kept an revenge , they make them poor . Don 't you think that would be justice ? Find a way to take away their money . Do to them what they did to Kit , just hurting Kit , " she said with surprising vehemence . " Just do it legally . I don 't want to live my life knowing you had someone murdered over me and Kit . I 'd never be able to live with it . " pass . The crew came back after work and hung out in his room for a while . Rick and Savid brought a laptop and showed him the layout of the next issue , that 's for sure , " Martha said . " You 're looking at the two biggest misers in Texas , Vil honey . We don 't make pennies squeak , we make the beg for mercy . " calm down a little once she knows we 're engaged , my handsome fox , " she said . " Not much , though . I guess I should get used to that , " she sighed . " It 's to do . From what she 'd learned so far , the orders had come out of Boston , but so far her investigators had not narrowed down exactly who gave the order . Whoever did it was very , very careful , obviously fearful of being discovered . building legal challenge over the will to the search for who shot her brother . " Cincinnati , " she finally answered . " I think I want to meet Jessie 's shrew of proposed to me , and I accepted , " she stated , in an even voice . That was it . No softening the blow , no using more flowery language . The facts , straight up . want to marry him ! You can either accept that , or you can not accept it . That 's your choice . But don 't ever think that there is any way you can ever she said placatingly . " She knew you were broke because you bought the ring . She gave me two thousand dollars to hold us over until you get better . We do for her . Jessica was a very demure , shy young lady , but she was very willful . If she 'd dug her claws in about marrying the fox , she wasn 't going to be as John and Hannah sat down in their chairs . Hannah looked a trifle piqued . Ben stood by the stairs , not getting involved but curious enough to hang around it 's best for Jessie , it 's only what 's best for him ! " Hannah snapped . " He 'll just use her and then throw her away when he 's done ! " but what does any of that have to do with my daughter ? " Hannah asked coldly . " We all had hard childhoods . So he made it , big deal . From the way it sounds , closing it . " Since that 's your decision , then now you will listen to mine . Kit and Jessie are getting married . Jessie wanted you to plan her wedding , as of hate . And if you 're not careful , you will turn out exactly like my father . You will destroy everything good in your life , you will drive your daughter pulled out of my briefcase . You should think about playing college ball . Given your moves , I think you could make it all the way to the NFL . " as being an African fur . Probably worse , if you really want my opinion . African breeds at least had their pure lines , but mixed breeds like Hannah , than racial bigotry , because purists are even more fanatical than racists . They were discriminated against by everyone , even the African breeds . They had no place , no status . Slavery ended after the Civil War , but the Mixed never deserved what happened to them . But that 's a sign of those times , son . Jeb and Will died because of the stupidity of hate . Don 't ever forget that another we 're engaged . No , I don 't think so . Dad , we 're going to be married . Does it matter if I move in now , or after the wedding ? It 's not like we 're not putting stress on it . But , you 're no longer on restriction , " he announced . " I 'll give you a standard sling , and you 're free to go back to work and engage work with me and Savid until you 're back to full strength , " Rick told him . " Since we 're off tomorrow , why don 't you just come in on Monday . That " Nah , " she replied . " I went to public school , and there 's lots of mixed breeds in city schools . Besides , I don 't look like a mixed breed . I can pass as a purebred cat easily . Now if I 'd have been born somewhere in the rural south , I guess it 'd be a The phone rang . Jessie had put it on the nightstand , so she reached across him and grabbed it . " Oh , nuts , " she breathed , opening the phone . " Hello ? Hey Mom . " good time to talk . I 'm busy . No . No - Mom , you don 't want to know . Mom - Mom . Mom ! Fine . I 'm in bed with Kit , " she said in a hostile voice . " Yes , you heard me ! In bed ! Naked ! And we just finished having sex , " about that . I can have her call you . You do ? How did you get it ? She what ? Oh my goodness ! Kit , Vil went to see my folks ! " she declared . pregnant , " she laughed . " I 'd love to be , though , " she added impulsively . " Anyway , I invited Kit to come to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving . Would that be off restriction . Well , you go two weeks and see how you feel ! " She gasped . " Oh my God , I 'm sitting here talking about sex with my mother , " she were actually very well done . Jessie had an eye for it , just like Lilly . Lilly had taught Jessie how to use her camera , and obviously taught her a on his computer , and saw that it was nearly 8 : 00pm . He 'd been sitting there three hours after quitting time , working on the letter . " Oh , I 'm still at completely failed to try to explain how I feel . I just haven 't done it justice . But , your daughter just called me and is nagging at me to come home . I 'm still two delivery drivers , a mouse and a rat , signed for it , and then they left . " Well , let 's see what 's in them , " Rick said . " Everyone pick a box , but don 't up for dealing with heavy graphics or movie files , " Mike answered for him . " It 's the oldest box in the office , and it just doesn 't have the horsepower . I think I could swing trading you your old box for one of the servers . It has trusty device , and now that Kit had one , she started using it to email him . The one she 'd sent them all was like a bloody swiss army knife . It was a leaving it up to me . The good news is , kiss the sling goodbye , " he grinned . " I still want you to take it easy , though , and you 're still on light activity Friday morning . On Fridays , we don 't come into the office until 1pm . That would give me enough of a window to fly in , spend Thanksgiving day with you , " I understand , love . I know what Boston is to you . So really , I don 't have anything to say . Personally , I don 't mind flying in and having the ceremony . We 'd only be there watch football . Which , for Kit , meant getting ragged on because he wasn 't a Dallas fan . Luckily , they didn 't watch Dallas play , so the snide comments and Patriots little too accommodating , Kit . Do you realize we 've never once fought ? That 's a little unusual given how long we 've been together . " sure hostility Hannah would present when a solid date was put in her face . Hannah had been rather pleasant and civil . Lupe 's apartment was very much a archly . He knew all her little buttons , and he used one of them against her . He put his paws on the small of her back , above and to each side of her tail , |
( I 'm thinking twice a month because I 'm toying with the idea of a paranormal short story series - romantic of course - published here on my blog first , then compiled into a collection when it 's done . That series would alternate with scenes from part one of The Baker 's Wife . If I decide not to do this , I 'll just post scenes from part one every Friday . ) Krysilla didn 't want to open her eyes . Beside her , her husband , Lejer , slept peacefully , and would until long after the sun had risen . She hated him . Too tired to let it be anything more than a simmering resentment , she rolled out of bed and walked softly to her clothes , piled on top of a stool Lejer had once told her would be hers for sitting on and making herself pretty . No time for that . Time to work . She yanked on her clothes and tied the blue sash that marked her as a married woman around her waist with a practiced hand . Her bare feet made no noise as she descended to the first floor of the two - story house . The cold crept through her feet and wrapped around her ankles under her plain , heavy , wool skirt . Grabbing some wood , she stuffed it into the oven and drew in the air the spell that would light the fire . Closing her eyes , she tried to concentrate on the spell that would regulate the flames once the temperature was right for baking bread . Her arms felt heavy , and it took several tries of drawing the spell before she could feel it wrapping around the wood and flame together . Of course you can , Krysilla 's resentment whispered . Your husband does all the work so that the only magic you need to worry about is the kind you use on your house . Maybe you 'd be late on your family 's bread too if you had something else to worry about . It was a cold thought . She stuffed it away in her heart and forced her smile to grow . " That 's fine . Let 's go to the scales and see how much you owe me . " " Your husband , " Lily corrected a little too quickly . As if realizing her gaffe , she said , " I 'm sorry . You do the work , so of course I would pay you . " " No need to apologize . The business belongs to him . " Smile fixed in place now , she switched aprons and washed her hands . She weighed the dough on the shining scales , a square of paper underneath it . Krysilla paused . Was this an insult ? The hall had dust at least a half inch thick , dishes often waited until just before the next meal and laundry was … no . If she thought about laundry , what little energy she had would leave her . " I try my best . " Krysilla said nothing in response . Focusing on the scales , she closed her eyes and focused on the numbers the king had declared every baker must follow in order to be deemed trustworthy . With her finger , she drew them over the loaf . The spell curled into the dough , waiting to appear in full after the baking was done . Krysilla took note of the result in the spell and took out a piece of paper to write Lily 's receipt . Lejer should be doing this , she thought , remembering how it had been when they were first married . She trained in the oven room while he dealt with the customers . When she 'd learned that , they 'd switched and she 'd learned how to take care of that aspect until the day he woke her up and said , " I 'm too tired today , Krysilla . Be a comfort to me and work the oven today as well , please . " She hated her strength and clenched her jaw . " Here 's the amount you owe us and the number of the loaf . Do you want to put it in the oven yourself ? " Die , Krysilla almost said . " And how is your family ? " She picked up the dough , still wrapped in the paper and carried it into the oven room . This room was spotless . Not a speck of dirt or disorder could be seen . Every cleaning spell she knew went into this room and left her exhausted at the end of every day . Lily stepped into the room as if stepping into one of the old Tothsin shrines . " Doing well . My husband is going to take me to the market later today . The ships have come in . " Emissaries , with beautiful clothes and laughing smiles . People who had never known a day of work in their life . This time she couldn 't stuff the hatred down . It curled into her lips and made her chest tight with unshed tears . Forcing herself away from the thought of the emissaries , she thought of the other things the market brought : spices , flowers , herbs she could add to the garden . It had been a long time since the last ships had come , due to the heavy rain that made the river difficult to navigate . Lejer would let her go if she mentioned the spices . They were getting low . Krysilla nodded , thoughts of the market pulling her back . No , she thought . I have to get my work done first . The thought made her tired . There was always work to do . There was never any time to rest . But no one else could do it . Her husband couldn 't afford another servant even if he 'd wanted to bring one in . Years had gone by before he found a wife he trusted . Everyone in the village had thought he would never marry and adopt his heir instead . As one of the more conservative Tothsins , it wouldn 't be a surprise . Lily paid her and left . Others soon came , and Krysilla 's world became a blur of mixing , kneading , baking , weighing , and taking orders . There had been a time , she remembered , when it had been fun to knead the dough and shape it . Now , not even the order from Lady Felldesh for sweet buns , cake , and bread for an upcoming feast made her smile . She put the paper the order was written on in her pocket without even glancing at what was needed . The sun was high above the house before she thought of dinner . Hurriedly grabbing some leftover dough from their bread , she shaped it and baked it . While it baked , she went to the kitchen in the back and rinsed the beans she had soaked the night before . Thank the Circle they were the kind that cooked quickly . Soon , a stew was heating up . Giving it a stir and using some wifely magic to keep it at a regular temperature until it was done , she went back to the oven room to finish the orders , then went upstairs to fill her husband 's washbasin with hot water . And then , as sometimes happened , there was nothing for her to do . Her husband stirred upstairs and she heard him walk around the room as he got dressed . Was the ale where she 'd left it for him ? Must have been . He didn 't mutter as he came down the stairs . " Ah . " She stared at the oven . " We got an order from Lord Felldesh . " She took the paper out of her pocket and handed it to him . Still a little unsteady from sleep , he walked over and took it , running one hand through his hair as he read . He said nothing , only made little grunts and sounds of thought as he read it . Krysilla 's exhaustion increased . There were times she thought the only reason he married her was because she had taken care of her family after her father had died . Her mother should have , but she 'd been so overcome by grief it wasn 't worth even asking . She felt the pouch that contained the cinnamon . " We might have enough for a batch or two . " He sighed . You could always start working in the bakery again , she nearly said . But she 'd only said that once and had regretted it ever since . The silence was too much to bear . " Well , I guess it 's a good thing the ships have come in today . Otherwise , we 'd be in serious trouble . We might have had to back out of the order . " Everything else was as it had been for the past few years . He put on his dark blue vest that marked him as a married man , and ate dinner with her . They talked of business and accounts and bread until the meal was done and then he left her to clean up while he went to speak with the cook at Felldesh Keep about the order . He often left in the afternoon , either drinking , or talking with the men by the fountain , or going out to the woods to remember his place in the world , as a good Tothsin should . At first , Krysilla had been confused by the amount of time he had begun to stay away from home . She 'd hint that it would be nice for them to sit in front of the fire and talk , as she 'd seen her parents do before her father died . He 'd humored her once , but it had been awkward . At the end , he 'd laughed and asked if she expected him to give her comfort now instead . It was just the market , she thought , and pulled her long black hair out of its bun . She carefully twisted it into a braided rope that hung down her back . A few strands fell down on her forehead , unruly as always . She thought of putting on shoes , but decided against it . The ground would be muddy from the spring rains and only ruin the things . It would be better to save them for a special occasion . Instead , she put on her clogs and filled the handcart with deliveries . Each one brought her closer to the main road , the one that led to the river and the market . It took two hours before she could see the canopies that sheltered the goods the merchants sold . It took another half hour before she reached the edge of the encampment . The roads were too narrow among the canopies , too packed . She found an empty space for her cart and took a small basket with her . If she needed anything put in the cart , she would have the merchant 's servant , or perhaps the merchant himself , bring it . She slowly walked through the innumerable colors of the market , her initial glee turning into a slow form of torture . Everywhere she turned there was something to make her smile . Everywhere she turned , there was something to remind her of all the things she didn 't have . Everywhere she turned , there were people who easily bought things she had to refrain from touching . Ever since the beginning of the Tothsin Age , when magic could be broken up into specialties assigned ( and limited ) to a trade , the spell merchants had become increasingly powerful . Some used their position to spy on those who wanted to learn more than what they should , and some used their position to gain money from those who wanted to know more than what their trade decreed . Krysilla had always been on the lookout for the latter . Her gaze lingered on that title . When she had been young , before her father died , she had found a few pages from a locksmithing book . Curious , and unaware of the consequences if she should be caught , she 'd learned what she could . Once she 'd gotten somewhat good at it , she tried to show off for a boy she liked . She considered buying the locksmith books as well . But she didn 't know where this merchant stood or what he might do . And she didn 't have time to stand around and wait . The sun was starting to get low in the sky . Instead , she bought the oven book , with its different perspective on the proper way to attach spells to the fire that baked the bread . Feeling miserable , she slowly trudged down the street . Lejer would be disappointed . What he 'd taught her was the culmination of years of baking . There was no need for a book when she had a teacher of his expertise . The sound of a fiddle drifted over the crowd , a light , happy tune , and she wandered to it . Minstrels rarely came this far out , preferring the more populous cities , and citizens didn 't make their own music . The magic surrounding it was considered too wild and unpredictable for commoners to make on their own . The music stopped and she did as well . Then , she noticed a small crowd that had gathered , clapping their hands politely for the musician . Walking over to it , she tried to see who had decided to come all this way just to play for the crowd at a backwater market . " Thank you , " she heard a man say . His smooth voice was music itself , calm and melodic . Is this the beginning of the charm ? she wondered . Minstrels , her father had once said , could bind people with their songs if they chose . That was why so many of them only played for nobles , the few who could protect themselves . She waited for the spell to catch . Nothing . It must only be a tale , she thought , and moved closer until she could see the man who belonged to the voice . Wild , wavy hair somewhere between gold and brown framed a face more handsome than she 'd expected . Her eyes widened , drinking in the sight of his slow , full smile , his brilliant , aquamarine eyes that sparkled as he lifted the fiddle to his shoulder . Those eyes scanned the crowd and paused at her . No , it was the music itself . That explained why the crowd had grown . There were no illusions , and a musician who played as well as this without using magic was a very rare thing . Lifting up her eyes again , she listened as the music changed . What had begun as mournful slowly added an undercurrent of anger , growing as the song progressed . She closed her eyes , the music saying everything about her life that she wanted to say and couldn 't . Pain and anger mixed with despair , as the notes became increasingly discordant and the melody more complex . She couldn 't move as he played through the emotions that made up her daily life . She felt the final cry of his fiddle in her heart and nearly doubled over from the pain . " Thank you , " she heard him say . " Thank you very much . I 'm honored . And now , let 's pick up the pace . " She had managed to get past the crowd just as the first notes of a rousing dance tune filled the air . He must use magic , she thought , though she hadn 't felt any . But she didn 't know of any magic that could let a person view inside another . As far as she knew , it didn 't exist . Clutching her purchases , she forced herself to walk , not run , back to the handcart . She didn 't look back at the gaily colored canopies as she threw her items in . It would have been a blur of colors anyway through the tears . With a hard yank , she pulled the cart away and pushed with all she had . " Control is important , " she whispered to herself . " Control is everything , in magic and life . If you do not have control of yourself , how can you hope to master magic ? " They were words every child raised in Tothsin beliefs knew , and everyone was a Tothsin now . It 's like having a secret told to a room full of strangers , she thought . And she wasn 't naive enough to think he cared . The fiddler had probably seen her , made a few educated guesses , and played something that he thought might get him an extra coin . It was her own reaction that told him he was right , if he 'd even bothered to look for it afterward . The sun was getting low in the sky . She sighed . It would be impossible for her to make it home before dark . The night air chilled her , but she only hugged herself in response . Lejer stayed out late sometimes as well . Maybe it would be good for her to be late for once . Show him how it feels . She closed her eyes . The music had gotten to her more than she wanted to admit , she decided . A wife is a comfort to her husband . No matter how often he stays out or how long , she must always be waiting for him . Looks drunk , she thought , watching him stumble a little as he walked . Probably celebrated a successful day 's work . That made sense . Playing like he did , he probably looked for women to join in the celebration afterward , preferably unhappily married ones . Everyone knew minstrels , men and women , had friends who were something more in every town . Only the ones who stayed with the nobles showed enough self - control to have families . Vagrants like this … Krysilla bent down her head and pushed a little faster . The sooner she got away from him , the better . She only took a few paces herself before she also stopped . Turning around , she saw him staring at the ground in front of him . He didn 't look up as he stumbled to the river 's edge . He reached the edge and swayed forward , then back , still staring at the ground . It was only when she caught up with him , breathless from running , that he looked at her . " Village ? " he said , his eyes struggling to focus on her . He shook his head . " How far ? I have … an appointment to keep . Must . Keep . " He closed his eyes and swayed again , this time to the side , and this time he fell onto the tall , shore grass . For a moment , Krysilla stared at him . She 'd been so embarrassed by his music 's touch that she hadn 't fully appreciated how handsome he was in his dark violet minstrel 's vest , so dark it was almost black , with the white handkerchief in the pocket that announced to the world he was unattached . She knelt down next to him , then looked up . The King 's Dogs , men trained in terrible arts forgotten even by nobles , kept watch over the roads , but some stretches were better kept than others . In daylight , the danger was minimal , but at night , when lights made for easy targets , a woman lured off the road might be easy prey . Looking back down at the stranger , she frowned . She doubted he 'd have anything to do with robbers . Unless , she considered , it was part of his act . I may be a married woman , she decided , but the road is a public place . It 's perfectly acceptable for me to speak with an unmarried man here . And if anyone is wondering what I 'm doing in the tall grass with him , I 'll ask for help . " Sir . You have to wake up , sir . " She tapped his cheeks , then pressed her hands against his skin . Too dry , she thought , and wondered how he 'd managed to come down ill so quickly . Unless he was fighting this off while he played this afternoon . " Sir , you 're ill . I can carry you in my cart , but you 'll have to help me get you there . " His eyes focused briefly on her face and he nodded . She wrapped his arm around her shoulder , bearing his weight as he got to his feet . They reeled back and forth as they walked to the cart . We must both look drunk , she thought , and looked down the road both ways . Far off behind them she could see someone , but they were very far off . Pulling out the burlap she kept to cover goods as they traveled , she knelt down and used her hands to give him something to step on . He practically fell into her cart , moaning as he laid down . Running back to the river , she grabbed his fiddle case and laid it down beside him . Covering him as best she could with the burlap , she went back to pushing the cart toward the village , already forming a list of things she would need to heal him . Few passed her on the way . Of those who did , most were too caught up in their own thoughts or merriment to care about the married woman with a man in a cart . Only one looked in , a rotund , red - faced blob on top of a horse who said , " Had a bit too much fun tonight , eh ? " " Yes , I am , " she whispered , hating the lie , and pushed faster . Still , it was after dark when she got home . Perhaps , she thought as she looked at the homes around them , this is a good thing . Darkness meant she could push the cart to the back . If she made any noise , the neighbors wouldn 't be able to make her or the man out clearly . They might even assume it was her husband , though Lejer was a little taller and thicker around the middle . The clothes look the same in the dark , she told herself as she pulled the burlap away from the feverish minstrel . And the vest … no one would be able to tell the color of the vest in this light . Climbing inside , she shook the man . Leaning close to his ear , she whispered , " Sir ? Sir , we 're here . You have to get up again . " She jumped down from the cart and grabbed a three - legged stool . " Here . " It took a moment for her to help him find it and another for him to actually step down from the cart . He leaned heavily against her as they walked to the house until she wasn 't sure he 'd be able to make it up the stairs . Closing the door , she finally felt safe enough to talk to him in something more than a whisper . " Sir ? I 'm sorry . I understand you don 't feel well , but you 'll have to keep going . " " Not with a fever like that . " She touched his cheek , still burning hot , and began to feel some panic . " Sir , " she said , her voice firm , " I can 't carry you to the spare room . I can help you , but there are stairs and - " " - you 're dehydrated . If we don 't get the fever down , you could die . And wouldn 't that be bad for whoever you need to meet ? Now , please , get up . " She waved her hand . Lights turned on down the hall , lights provided by the lord of the region for every resident . King 's Lights , they were called . She grabbed the stranger 's arm and prayed he would at least try to stand . At first she didn 't think he would . His arm felt limp and his eyes stayed closed . Panicked now , she gave one strong tug . As if rousing from a dream , he started . Leaning on her once more , she managed to guide him down the hall to the stairs . She stopped , the minstrel leaning on her , her eyes wide as she saw Lejer stumble to the chair in the kitchen . " Krysilla , " he called out . " Ale , Krysilla ! " Ignoring him , she was about to help the stranger up the stairs when he pulled away . Instead of collapsing , the stranger looked at her , somewhat more coherent than before . " Go . I 'll stay here . " She hurried down the hall to the kitchen , leaving the stranger at the foot of the stairs . Her cheeks burned with embarrassment . What would he think of her now with Lejer yelling like that ? Breathless , she grabbed the doorjamb to stop herself . " What do you need ? " Is the spare room anywhere near the ovens ? she wanted to snap . Knowing that logic wouldn 't work very well at this point in his drunkenness , she ignored him . " You said you wanted ale ? " She walked quickly to the pantry and got a small bottle he kept for nights like this when he wanted a little something before bed . " He has to leave . " Ignoring the ale , he rolled to the side as he tried to get from the kitchen to the hall , knocking over a stack of dishes in the process . She cringed as they shattered . With a wave she picked them up and put them in the trash bin . " I 'll get him out of the house . But you need to go to bed . " He nodded . A thought flit through her head , a memory of a time when he would have joked that all he wanted warming his bed was her . That had been very early in their marriage and had been gone before one season had changed to another . Even then , she remembered , it had been halfhearted . Heart pounding , she looked at the front door . No time to search for him . If she didn 't make sure Lejer was comfortably sleeping off the ale , the stranger most certainly wouldn 't be staying here tonight . Running up the stairs , she heard Lejer began to sing his favorite drinking song : Lovely Lisbet , a sad tune about a young woman married off against her will to a fearsome lord - magician , while the young man who truly loved her made plans to steal her away . At the top of the stairs now , she threw open the door to the master bedroom . A soft , low , melodic voice singing the same tune Lejer sang drifted from one of the spare bedrooms . Racing into her own , she threw a warmed brick under the covers and ran back to the hall . The stranger 's singing had stopped . Walking quietly down the hall , she checked the three guest rooms they had , one by one . In a room filled with blues and greens that made her think of the river or the sea , the stranger lay on top of the bed 's covers , one foot firmly on the floor and the other leg bent so that his boot didn 't touch the quilted cover . Glad to see he was still here , she ran back down to Lejer , still singing at the top of his lungs the sad tune . He 's about to get to the part where he cries , she thought . As expected , by the time she reached him , tears had begun to roll down his face . " Yes , it is . " She 'd asked him once why he sang it , but he acted as if he had no idea , so she 'd let it go . He was heavier than the minstrel but more coherent and a little more coordinated . It didn 't take long to get him up to the top of the stairs , or into bed to sleep it off . She had removed the warming stone and was just in the process of pulling the covers over him as he lay down when he grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her to him . Surprised , she stiffened in his grasp , eyes wide and breath coming in small snatches . It had been years since he 'd wanted her like this . " G ' night . " Confused , she tried to keep her steps quiet on the cold wood floor . Closing the door until only a sliver of light remained , she tried not to run back to the stranger . Running would make noise . The law required she get a healer , someone who had been licensed in using magic to heal . There was only one exception . The farmers were allowed to use healing magic since it was tied to herbs , and herbs grew in the ground . Anything that grew in the ground was available to a farmer . And I have a person who could die before the morning comes , she replied as she stoked the fire and warmed a small pot of water over it . Taking out a couple of pieces of wood in the kitchen 's floorboard , she pulled out a small bottle of tincture . Holding it between her palms , she felt the fire of the herbs flowing through them . Just a little to start , she remembered , adding only that to the water before putting the small bottle in the pocket of her skirt . Pouring only a small stream into the small pot , she closed her eyes . In her mind , she saw sparks of light swirling inside the warm water . Focusing on that fire , she reached out and , with a wave of her hand , made it swirl faster . Then , like the fire in the oven , she focused on the spell that would strengthen the medicine 's ability to regulate the temperature . Done with preparing the infusion , she smiled . The fire in the herb would warm the body and help kill the infection . She 'd done this many times when she was ill and Lejer was out . With soft steps to the cupboard and back , she poured the infusion into a ceramic cup , one she kept specifically for this purpose and the only thing she 'd ever begged from Lejer . She 'd found it worked best with infusions , better than earthenware or wood . Setting the cup on a small table near the stairs , she gently detached one of the King 's Lights from the wall and held it by its wooden handle . Up the stairs she went , cup in one hand , light in the other , each creaking step making her cringe and wince . The last thing she needed was Lejer awake and shouting at her . Down the hall she crept until she got back to the blue room where the stranger lay . Quietly setting the glowing light in a sconce , she put the cup on the nightstand . " Sir ? " Her eyes widened . His cheeks were bright scarlet now and he seemed to be having trouble breathing . Shaking him roughly now , she said , " Sir ? I 've brought something from the healer . " His head rolled back and forth , his eyes twitching as if they were about to open , but didn 't . She reached forward and lifted his head . The scent of spices , warm , rich and exotic , filled her nostrils , the scent of markets and traveling and she closed her eyes . It was a wonderful scent . Trying to ignore it , she waved her hand over the cup and did something she hadn 't done since she was a young girl taking care of an ailing sister . She visualized the water as dough and pinched with her fingers . A small glob of water separated and lifted . He jumped up the moment it did , sucking down breath , eyes wide . " It 's okay , " she told him , putting her hands on his shoulders . The stranger 's incredulous glare almost made her laugh . " Oh , don 't worry , I 'm not trying to kill you . " His shoulders stiffened , and she couldn 't help wondering if someone had tried to do just that in his past . I know nothing about you , she thought as he relaxed back on the bed , eyes closing . He rolled over on his side , boots still not touching the quilt . Hands on her hips , she frowned . He had to get under the covers , which meant his boots had to come off . The problem was that , as she looked at them , they didn 't seem to be ordinary boots . On the soles , she could make out inscriptions , circles and squares and lines and curves that she didn 't recognize but that felt as if they were magical . And familiar , though she didn 't know how . Some of the lines were worn thin , probably from walking down roads many times , as she 'd seen him do before he collapsed . The question was , why were they there ? Every spell she 'd seen or used never needed a mark . You drew them with your hands or your fingers . Was it a reference , like the images used in spellbooks ? It might . But she 'd heard stories of the lords and ladies , how they drew symbols on items and it worked the same as if the symbols had been drawn in the air . Curious , she looked carefully at the King 's Light for symbols . Nothing . She tried again , glad he was sitting up . It allowed her to tug harder and get them off quicker . That done , she was at a loss of what to say now that he was somewhat awake . She needn 't have worried . Without giving a sign she existed , the minstrel got up and pulled back the covers himself , burrowing under the quilts . He didn 't bother to take off his cloak , and neither did Krysilla . So tired , she thought . But it was with a smile that she opened the vent that diverted the residual heat from the oven below into the guest room . One of the good things about being the wife of a baker . Propriety dictated she should close the door now , with her on the side he wasn 't . It was bad enough that she had allowed the minstrel to stay when her husband had specifically said he wanted the man gone . She 'd pay for that with a lecture the next day , or a Lejer so angry he 'd spend all day and most of the night at the pub . No different from now , a snide voice whispered . And yet , she could tell from the stranger 's posture that he was now fighting chills . She 'd never encountered a situation where a healing spell didn 't take the first time , but she had only given him a little and it had been a long time since she 'd tried to heal someone else . It might take a few more doses before his body started to regulate itself again . It wasn 't right to leave him before she knew he was out of the worst of it . Putting the light back in the sconce , she cracked the door open , even though it would let some of the warmth out . Better that than the things a closed door would imply . Quietly , she took out the small watch her mother had given her as a wedding present . Taking note of the time , she sat down in a small chair in a corner , one built for rocking a baby that refused to go to sleep . Laying the open watch in her lap , she took a nearby shawl , also kept for the same purpose as the chair , and wrapped herself in it . Just think of him as the child you never had , she told herself . But when she held his heavy head , felt the breadth of his shoulders as she helped him sit up , it was impossible to believe that , or to be unaware of the scandalous circumstances she was creating . But each time she gave him another dose of the infusion she felt no guilt or shame . He was ill , and she could no more ignore him than any other creature in this green world . She didn 't bother to do more than strip down to her underthings . Climbing under the covers , she snuggled next to her husband , trying to get some of his warmth without waking him up . He was always a bear when he 'd been drinking . In spite of her exhaustion , sleep didn 't come easily . Each faint creak from the house woke her . Each murmur of the wind wove itself through her dreams and in those dreams she was standing at the edge of a chasm . In its depths , the river swirled , white foam crashing against sharp rocks . She wanted to step back , and yet she knew if she did , it would be worse for her . The wind blew her closer to the edge , her bare feet gripping the rock because there was nothing nearby for her to hold onto . Slipping out of bed , she got dressed with shaking fingers . It still felt as if the edge of the chasm was at her feet and she was about to fall in . Grabbing a brush , she worked the tangles out of her hair before braiding it . " Yes ? " Would he ask about the stranger ? Krysilla moved closer to the door , ready to bar it if Lejer tried to throw an ill man out in the cold , stranger or not . She relaxed . " All right . " Slowly closing the door behind her , she heard him call her again . Trying not to sound annoyed , she answered , " Yes ? " " I 'll make sure the inspector gets the report on all the ovens . " She tried to close the door again . He started talking and she bit both lips to keep her frustration in check . She went downstairs and started the fires for the ovens , moving as if she had slept well for months . In the kitchen , she made a thick porridge , then poured it into three bowls . Two , she put on the table . One , she put to the side and covered with a clean cloth . She had gotten to the top of the stairs when she thought that , and stopped entirely , porridge still in her hand , burning it . The pain forced her to move . He wouldn 't leave , she told herself . He had a fever . She opened the door to the Blue Room , her stomach in knots . The stranger hadn 't moved since she last saw him . She let go of a breath she had thought she wouldn 't hold , her relief making her hand tremble as she set the porridge down on the nightstand . For one insane moment , she wondered what life would be like , married to the minstrel . Probably full of mismatched schedules and worry , she told herself . And yet , it would be so easy to think it might work . His hair caught the early rays of sunlight that filtered through a gap in the curtains , shimmering gold and brown . He stirred and her heart stopped at the sight of it . Hold it together , girl , she told herself . He rolled on to his back and she could almost hear their morning conversations . As if you would be any less tired around him , her more practical side said , drowned out in the sight of his eyes slowly opening . " It 's safe . " Had to be . It had spent all night covered in the back of a cart owned by the most conscientious man in the village . Lejer never left anything out . " And I thank you for healing me . " Whatever flirtation she 'd received from him before , at the market , no longer existed in his aquamarine eyes . Or were they gray ? " But I really must be gone . " From below , she heard the ring of the bell that announced a customer . Her head turned and one foot stepped toward the door from habit . The rest of her stayed put . Can you stop drinking so much ? She had to bite her lips to keep the words from tumbling out . Running down the stairs , she got to the bottom by the third ring . Four days away . And on a New Moon , a day most people took off . The day before would be extremely busy with requests for extra bread . She 'd have her hands full just trying to keep pace with the regular demand . Bitterness rose in her heart once more . Of course they wouldn 't know how busy we are , living in their fine palace . Her smile tight , she thanked the servant for the information and assured him they would be ready . Without taking his eyes from the ceiling , he nodded and left . Didn 't even seem to notice me , she thought and charged back up the stairs just as Lejer was backing out of the Blue Room . He must have heard her approach because he turned and , with eyes wide , pointed inside the room . " I told you to get rid of him . " Little girl . For many years , Krysilla had borne degrading words like this with silence . It had been easy enough . They were rarely around others at the same time , and when they were Lejer rarely spoke to her . Now , though , now that she had been embarrassed in front of a servant of Lord Felldesh and , more importantly , in front of the minstrel , something in her snapped . Hands on her hips she said , " Do you want your wife wandering the streets with a strange man ? " " That would certainly be good for business , wouldn 't it ? " She spat the word " business " as if it were a curse . " ' Look at Lejer 's wife . What 's that man doing leaning on her shoulder ? Why , she didn 't even bother to take off her blue sash . ' " She stayed in place , afraid that if she moved , she would see the minstrel 's face . These were the kinds of words no good wife would say . These were the things that only came out of the mouth of a harridan , a woman who nagged her husband day and night until he ran away to the pub . And proof that she had never used words like this was in Lejer 's stare , as if she had been replaced by someone else while he slept . He didn 't move . Terrified of what more the minstrel might see or hear , she gestured for him to follow her into their room . Once he was inside , eyes still wide and staring at her as if she 'd been replaced with a horrifying Ornic , she continued , and tried to stay calm while doing it . " We 've both stayed here when we were sick . We go to the healer , take the herbs , and at most , take a day off and sleep upstairs . If we had children , would you expect me to send them off - " She stopped , unsure how to read his tone . Was he trying to understand her ? " No . " Ignoring the pain that question caused , she pushed on . " I 'm just trying to point out that we aren 't risking anything by having him here until he 's well enough to travel . " " No ! And you 're lucky to still have a place here instead of getting sent back home for the way you spoke to me just now . " Grabbing his coat and cloak , he opened the door . " He 'll be gone before I come back or I 'll throw him out myself . " She sighed and descended the stairs with him . At the foot stood Lily , a baby on her hip and one hand holding a basket . The baby sneezed . Lejer didn 't chase them out . She had expected Lejer to be angry . Men were expected to guard the secrets of their trade and Lejer had made a point of guarding them so well that no one was able to make bread like him . Not even his wife , though she came close if the number of customers they still had was any indication . She hadn 't expected him to threaten to send her back . That was a fate usually reserved for unfaithful wives . Unless , she thought , he doubts me . Lily laughed . " What an odd question . Do you know most of the women ask that ? Even I asked that . But my husband tells me no one knows because it 's a custom now for musicians to cover themselves with invisibility as they play . " " Oh , yes . With many minstrels from the area . Some , I 've heard , have even traveled great distances for the honor , with the largest number of fiddlers any court , except perhaps the king 's , has ever had before . " The minstrel , fully dressed , stepped into view . He still looked exhausted , and his wavy hair hadn 't been properly combed , but he was still as handsome as when she 'd first seen him . In fact , his unruly hair gave him a rakish appearance that was far too attractive for any woman 's heart . Krysilla wasn 't sure whether to laugh or pout when Lily gazed at him with a look that said she had all the time in the world . That magnetic smile could melt the coldest of hearts , she decided and tried to avoid looking at it herself . " Your order , Lily ? " Lily took it , only half aware of her surroundings . Only when her children began begging her to stop at the carpenter 's on the way home to see the models did she appear to come back to her senses . Krysilla watched her dissemble , rattling off a list of errands , until the door shut . " You noticed her blue sash . " Maybe he would play at the Felldesh manor on New Moon . She wanted to ask . She wanted to learn more about him . But she thought of the way he flirted with Lily and frowned . Anyone who ignored promises , especially those tied to the blue sash , was not someone she should trust . That she was tempted to ignore those very promises herself was something she tried not to think about . " The bread has to go in the oven first . I 'll get your fiddle after it 's in . " He followed her out to the ovens and watched patiently as she put the bread in . Tension knotted her stomach as she waved her hands in the spell that would write on the outside of the oven when the loaf was done . She shouldn 't be doing this while he watched . If he caught her meaning , he didn 't show it . He opened the case and took out the gleaming fiddle . Close - up , Krysilla loved watching the sunlight dance through the polished wood as Parlay turned it this way and that . Taking up the bow , he tucked the fiddle under his chin and plucked the strings , turning the pegs to change the pitch until he appeared satisfied . Putting it away , his smile returned . With a sly , sidelong glance , he said , " You can ask me if you like . " Krysilla shook her head and walked back to the house . " We all know each other in this town . It would be wise not to get tangled up in blue sashes while you 're here . " She paused at the door , remembering the affection in Lily 's voice when she spoke of her husband . " If you feel you must pay me something , don 't hurt my friends . " In spite of her fear that she would melt at the sight of him , she forced herself to glare at his handsome form . His flirtatious glances had been replaced entirely now by calculation . He was summing her up ; she knew it . When he did smile , he said nothing . He bowed , then turned and , shoulder strap once more wrapped twice around his hand , walked away . All the rest of the morning became a blur of customers and orders , with thoughts of the events early this morning weaving through them . When the sun was high and it was time for dinner , Krysilla had almost put Parlay out of her mind . Almost . " Good . " Lejer leaned forward and breathed in the aroma of the pottage . " I 've been thinking it might be good to have a vegetable stew for New Moon . " He began to eat . Her anger from before made her clench her jaw . She breathed in deep , trying to relax . " If we have a new oven , will I have an assistant in the bakery ? " His eyes narrowed . A shiver of fear ran through her stomach , but she held firm . Another oven meant more work and she didn 't think she could do much more without breaking . " I 'm tired , Lejer . " It was the first time she had complained in the seven years they had been married . Tears of exhaustion sprang to her eyes . " I owe you a debt , " came Parlay 's bright , cheerful response . " In fact , I owe you two . As a way of repaying you , I have gotten permission for you and your wife to listen to the musical extravaganza at the manor of Lord Felldesh on New Moon . I would also like to give you and your friends a private concert tonight at a place of your choosing . " Trying to appear as if she didn 't care and that Parlay hadn 't interrupted anything , Krysilla sat down at the table and began organizing it . A cobweb caught her eye and she quietly waved it away with magic that really should be saved for the bakery . The effort almost made her miss Lejer 's expected response to Parlay 's offer . If Parlay was surprised , he didn 't show it . " I thought you might say that . So , I took the liberty of asking if you might , with her ladyship 's approval , listen from the salon next to the room . It 's her ladyship 's personal room , where she sometimes retires when a dinner has proved too much for her delicate constitution . " Aren 't we good enough for the main room ? Krysilla waited for her husband to say those words , but nothing came . She looked up and saw him staring at Parlay as if he was trying to figure out the minstrel 's game . " All right , " he finally said . Shocked , Krysilla watched her husband fold his arms over his blue vest and lean against the door frame . " I 'm not about to subject my friends and family to your playing , though . " The bell rang . Confused , Krysilla got up to answer it . As she did , she noticed he now wore the strap of his fiddle case over his shoulder , as he should have done before . For a moment , as he took the strap from his shoulder , their eyes met , and his smile grew . A blush dusted her cheeks and she hurried to the front . Had she forgotten to turn it ? Walking up to it , she reached out to do so when she felt the faint tingle of magic along its edges . Someone had turned it back to the side that said they were open using magic . As if enchanted , she let her fingers linger on the edge of the sign , wishing she had the training of a manor - born lady . It was said they could tell not only the kind of magic used , but who had used it . And Krysilla wanted to be sure before she confronted the one she thought might be behind it . The sound of Lejer 's clapping , along with two or three other pairs of hands reminded her of her surroundings . Quickly turning the sign to its proper side , she walked back to the kitchen . A small group had formed in the distance and were waiting for more . " Thank you . " Parlay closed the case and bowed low . " Until tonight . " Turning in Krysilla 's direction , he bowed again , not quite as low this time . Neither spoke until Parlay had left . Lejer took a deep breath . " Well ! " Grinning from ear to ear , he put on his coat . " I 'd better spread the word . Thomas across the street will be green with envy that I managed to get a private concert from a minstrel of that quality . Is he playing for the Felldesh manor ? " Lejer looked around the kitchen . " Krysilla , if we 're going to have company , we 'll need to have the place fixed up . Do what you can , and bake some treats . I 'll see if I can 't get some more business out of this . " He 'll be here tonight , the more insane part of her thought as she cleaned that afternoon before she went on deliveries . She would hear him play and hear his voice and see his smile . Just thinking of that brought a smile of her own to her lips . I 'm a mom and writer who loves reading ( naturally ) , cleaning ( on occasion ) , organizing ( a must with a family of nine ) , and studying frugality ( also a must with a family of nine ) . When I have time , I sew a little , knit a little , and read manga a lot ( in English ) . I have no pets of any kind . View all posts by Amy Keeley Share this : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . fantasy free story online romance The Baker 's Wife Wattpad Post navigation Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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As for the two days - my official birthday is May 16 . But I was born between midnight and 1 : 00 A . M . If Daylight Savings Time had not artificially pushed the clock ahead , the date would have been May 15 . The eras ? Well , the year was 1950 , smack in the middle of the last century . The country was moving out of the war years and into an uncertain future . The atomic age had started , and we were teetering at the edge of the technological explosion that has now come to dominate all aspects of our life . When I was four , Mom and Dad built a home around the corner from my grandparents ' farm , three miles outside the town of Phoenix . ( Not to be confused with the city in Arizona . ) In time Rob and I were joined by a younger brother , Brian , and then an adopted sister , Patty . Behind our house the lawn sloped down to a swamp . Beyond the swamp stretched a field my grandfather continued to work . Beyond the field was a forest . This may sound familiar to some of my readers , since it 's the basis for the landscape behind Rod Allbright 's home in Aliens Ate My Homework . Rod himself is based on me , more thoroughly than any other character I have written - so much so that my wife , Kathy , who illustrated the book and its sequels , used photographs of me as references for her drawings of Rod . The thing is , happiness is not nearly as interesting as misery . ( One of the dumbest ideas I 've ever had - and believe me , I 've had more than a few - was to write a novel set in heaven . I couldn 't wait to get my character out of paradise so something interesting could happen ! ) Fortunately - for my writing , at least - I have had some misery along the way . But in the main I grew up in a time and place that was pretty good for kids . I also had the good fortune to have a basically sunny disposition . This is not something I take credit for ; I suspect the inclination comes preinstalled . But I do believe it is something you can cultivate . I also believe it makes life easier to take when the inevitable rough spots come along . Perhaps I should say " farms , " since both sets of grandparents were farm folk . The ones closest to us , emotionally and geographically , were my mother 's parents . But my father 's parents also had a farm , about two miles away , and I spent a fair amount of time there , too . It might be more accurate to say my father 's " sortof " parents . I had four grandfathers , instead of the usual two : one on Mom 's side , and three on Dad 's . They were all pretty good , though I suspect that in two cases they were better grandfathers than they were fathers . What does it do to a three - year - old boy to lose his mother like that ? What does it do when his father decides he is unable to raise the boy on his own , and fosters him and his baby brother out to relatives - separate relatives - to take care of them ? What does it do to that boy to have relatives who are at such war that the woman raising him invites his father to dinner , and then has him arrested at the table ? It can do a lot of things , I suppose . In my father 's case , it made him passionate about creating a good and stable home for his own kids , and working to make life better not only for us , but for as many kids as he could reach . That 's one reason he became a volunteer in the scouting movement . Here 's one of my most vivid memories of Dad : Late one Sunday afternoon in December the family piled into the car to head for Christmas dinner at my grandmother 's . ( This was one of three ; the area was crawling with extended family , and Christmas dinner , of necessity , happened more than once . ) But when we pulled out of the driveway , instead of heading for my grandmother 's , Dad turned in the other direction , heading for town . Dad 's new mother was twenty - six , only fourteen years older than he was at the time . Luther , his adoptive father , was perceived as a pillar of the community , but was not the easiest man to live with . And Dad , who had been a city kid - almost a street kid - for over a decade , was suddenly living on a farm . In those days , especially in rural areas , it was common for the viewing of the body to take place in the home rather than at a funeral parlor . I still have a vivid recollection of coming into the parlor , so filled with baskets of flowers it looked like a garden in full bloom . Dad led me up to the casket , then took my hand and placed it on Grampa Coville 's hand , which was cold and waxy . Some people might find this horrifying . I think it was a good thing , because his intention was to take away fear . And it did just that . One of my first jobs was mowing that cemetery . As the years passed I developed an intimate knowledge of the gravestones . To keep my mind occupied I would use the years of birth and death to calculate how long a person had lived . And , of course , wonder about the people themselves . In time , Grampa Chase also enlisted me to dig graves . Most cemeteries these days use a backhoe to scoop out the graves , but in our little country cemetery the work was done by hand . We dug three feet wide and eight feet long , but not ( as legend would have it ) six feet deep ; our graves went down about four and a half feet . Digging graves was not bad work . For one thing , as with my experience with Grampa Coville 's body , it took away fear . The grave is a strange and mysterious place . But when you have dug the hole yourself , when you have laid down in it to see what it looks like from the bottom up ( okay , so that was a little weird , but when else was I going to have the chance ? ) , when you have filled it in - well , a lot of the mystery is gone . With it goes some of the fear that accompanies our thoughts about death . Gravedigging was also good for strictly economic reasons . I was paid by the job and not by the hour , and because I was fast , I could usually make pretty good money . We didn 't bury during the winter - frozen ground is too hard to dig , so we stacked the coffins in a small wooden mausoleum - so I would often have a number of graves to dig in the spring . This helped pay the large heating bill that usually built up over the winter . Even better than the money was the fact that it was good creative time . Digging a grave can be pretty boring . But the fact that the work did not take a lot of thinking gave my imagination freedom to wander . I developed plenty of story ideas while I was digging , and the climactic scene in The Ghost Wore Gray , when Nina Tanleven and Chris Gurley go to dig up an old grave , bears a great debt to my own time as a gravedigger . Uncle Ray ran a typical country store . He rebuilt it to make it more modern when I was in my teens , but in my heart I always preferred the original building . It had a slightly saggy feeling , and wide plank wooden floors , ingrained with years of dirt . It felt lived in . I had a sweetheart deal with Uncle Ray . When the monthly shipment of comics came in I got to pick out thirty and take them home to read . When I was done I would buy any I particularly wanted , return the others , and go home with a new stack of thirty . Pure bliss ! I was enchanted by comics , and for a long time I wanted to write them . This idea horrified my mother , who wanted me to do something more socially useful . Still , comics - especially Marvel comics - were an essential part of my reading education . The Fantastic Four and Spiderman came along just as I was entering my teens , and I suspect much of my extended vocabulary came from Marvel writer Stan Lee 's exuberant delight in big words . The second is of realizing that the reading groups were at different levels , and I was not in the top one , which irked me . I asked one of the girls in that group how come she could read so well . She told me her big sister had helped her . Not having a big sister , I felt cheated . I can 't remember what I did to overcome this hurdle - probably asked my mother for help . She would have given it in a heartbeat . In any event , it wasn 't long before I ended up where I wanted to be . The third key event has to do with my father reading to me . Dad was a traveling salesman , so he was away from home a few days a week , which made his time and attention all the more precious . One night after supper , he did something I don 't remember him doing at any other time : he took me into the living room , sat me in his lap , and started to read a thick , ugly , brown book called Tom Swift in the City of Gold . I already loved stories . But this is my memory of being introduced to the wonders to be found in long books . It was also my father giving me permission to be a reader , which is something I believe boys need even more these days , since they are getting a double message from our culture , one part of which is telling them to read , another part of which is telling them that reading is for girls . I say that because most of the people they link to reading - specifically , their elementary teachers and their librarians - are women . And , alas , most of the time the person they see reading at home is mom , not dad . Worst of all , boys who read too much get picked on for it . Add the fact that too few books capture the bumptious , raucous , sometimes rude and tasteless energy of boys , and you end up with a culture in which boys often do not like to read . Mrs . Crandall had us write all year , write much more than was common at the time . I failed at it all year long . Toward the end of the year she told us we were going to write a short story . This was a major project . We had three or four weeks ( if I remember correctly ) to work on our stories , and she was going to read them all out loud at the end . The most important part of the assignment , for me , was that we were allowed to choose what we were going to write about . My memories of the earlier assignments , the ones I had not done well at , are of things where we had to respond to the teacher 's writing " prompts . " I simply did not do well at that . But with this assignment it all came together for me . We had extended time to work ( which , of course , is what real writing requires ) . We had a real audience ( the rest of the class , not merely Mrs . Crandall ) . And ( most importantly ) whatever we wrote had to come from inside ourselves . the train carrying them home after a job derailed , the two animals - who were friends - had to make their way through the wilderness back to the farm . In structure , it was a shameless copy of Sheila Burnford 's The Incredible Journey . ( But one of the ways we learn to write is by imitating the work we love ; the trick is to grow beyond that , to find your own voice and style . ) I had so much fun writing the story , and was so pleased with how it came out , that I thought I would write more stories about animals from " Burnet Farm . " This is my first memory of thinking I could write a book . ( I never did write that one , alas . ) I read voraciously all through school . Among my favorites in elementary school were Hugh Lofting 's Dr . Dolittle stories and Eleanor Cameron 's Mushroom Planet books . Look closely , and you will find the influence of both of them in my own stories . In the summer between seventh and eighth grades I discovered Edgar Rice Burroughs . Though best known for creating Tarzan of the Apes , it was Burroughs 's stories about John Carter of Mars that truly bewitched me . I was in thrall to the books , which were being republished after a long period of being out of print , and searched desperately to find the complete set . I longed to become John Carter , to travel to Barsoom ( Burroughs 's name for Mars ) , to wield a mighty broad - sword , to leap across those dead seas in the low Martian gravity . As you might imagine , I did not entirely fit in at school . The cool kids dreamed of forming rock bands and becoming football stars . I dreamed of traveling to Mars and writing science fiction . Many aspects of the Phoenix school system were less than perfect . Even so , it had two great virtues that I wish more kids could experience today . The first was that we only had two schools , one for first through sixth grade , the other for seventh through twelfth . At the upper levels this meant that rather than having eighth graders be the top dogs ( as is true of most middle schools ) that spot was held by the seniors . That may seem like a small thing , but middle school kids are seeking role models , and , frankly , a kid has a better chance of finding a reasonable role model among the seniors , where at least some of the kids have started to turn back into reasonable human beings , than among the eighth graders , where hormonal confusion still reigns supreme . The other good thing was that our classes were small ( my graduating class was about a hundred people ) . This has disadvantages , of course ; a small school cannot offer as many services as a larger school . But it has this overwhelming strength : In a small school you are known , and I believe this is vital for a young person . I have spoken in schools so large that the teachers have to wear ID badges , because there are so many of them they can 't even know each other , much less all the kids . These schools offer many fabulous services . But I do not think they serve the heart . Anyway , I staggered through junior high and high school , victim to the forces that buffet everyone then - peer pressure and crushes , blossoming sexuality and social insecurity . I was not cut out for team sports - my coordination did not kick in until I was in my twenties - so that area of achievement was denied to me . But there were two teachers - one in eighth grade and one in tenth grade - who did something utterly invaluable for me . I don 't want to indicate that I was unhappy during these years . I mostly enjoyed myself . I read incessantly , everything from the comic books I still loved so much to Homer , Dante , and Shakespeare . I had my first crushes , and my first real girlfriend . In my junior year I ran for student council president . It was not a job I particularly wanted - we all knew who was going to win anyway , a popular and energetic girl who was right for the task . But the student council powers didn 't want an election with only one candidate , so I was prevailed upon to run , ran hard , deluded myself into thinking I might win , and was deeply pained when the inevitable loss occurred . The event would be nothing more than a mere painful blip in my life , were it not for one thing . I asked a sophomore girl named Katherine Dietz , who I knew to be a fabulous artist , to help make the posters for my campaign . What she came up with was delightfully whimsical - probably too whimsical for someone running for student council president in high school , but just right for a picture book artist . I ignored most of this during the summer between my junior and senior years . I was working on my first novel , which started as a short story but spun out of control so that it was two years and 400 pages before I was able to write " The End . " I had enormous fun writing it , and learned a great deal . It was filled with vigorous story telling energy - but nowhere near ready for publication . Senior year started and so did my political awakening . Kevin Mack , a good friend who came from a Quaker family , started feeding me information about why the war was wrong . Protests against the war were escalating . The presidential campaign started and a man named Eugene McCarthy electrified students across the country with his clear stand against the war . That spring Martin Luther King was assassinated . A few months later , it was Robert Kennedy . As salutatorian , you are expected to make a speech at graduation . Inspired by all that was going on at the time , I wrote a passionate speech about social justice . But when I submitted it to my advisor , she told me I could not deliver it . So I wrote another speech . It was approved , but I had no intention of giving it . This was the age of protest , and I was going to protest the attempt to keep me from making the speech I had earned the right to give . For a time I planned on doing something very dramatic : I would hold up the speech that had been approved , tear it up , talk about what had happened , then give the first speech that I had written . I figured I would be hustled off the stage before I could finish , but I wanted to let everyone know what was going on . In the end , I simply went to the podium with my original speech and delivered it . I don 't know for sure what would have happened if I had tried to make a big deal out of it . I do know that by doing it this way I didn 't give anyone an excuse to stop me ; if the advisor or the principal had tried , they would have been seen as the ones causing a disruption . This was my first experience with the excitement and power of public speaking . It would be many years before I came back to it , and grew comfortable with it . To my considerable surprise , speaking is now one of the most important strands of my professional life . At my graduation party I received many gifts , including enough cash , I realized , to get myself a ticket to the Caribbean . I had to work that summer to earn money for college , my parents were adamant about that . But I figured I could work in the islands as well as I could in central New York . So off I went . This was not a well planned adventure . I headed for New York City , figuring that since it was summer it would be off season for a tropical paradise and I would have no problem buying an airplane ticket to the islands . Wrong ! As it turned out , I couldn 't get a reservation for two weeks , though the airlines told me I could check on standby every day . ( What I had really wanted to do was work my way down on a boat . But I got laughed at down at the docks , where they told me I 'd have to join the union and unless I had a relative who was already a member , the waiting list was years long . ) Two strikes , and an important lesson for a writer : do your research ! Having no intention of going home at this point , I was stranded in Manhattan . I went to the YMCA , where I got the cheapest room I could . In the lobby was a table where you could sign up for temporary work , and I took advantage of it , not wanting to draw down my little bankroll any more than necessary . I ended up washing dishes in a seafood restaurant , where I scrubbed away grease that seemed to have accumulated for years . They must have thought I did a good job because they gave me a fabulous meal in addition to my pay . The next night I got a job bussing tables at Dubrow 's cafeteria in Brooklyn . One day I was standing in line to renew my room when two older men came along the line , asking if anyone wanted to share a double room they had rented , as one of them was moving on . Sharing rent on a double was cheaper than a single , so this appealed to me . The gentleman I was now rooming with , Ramlakan Panchu , was from Trinidad - not far from where I was aiming to end up - and we struck up a pleasant friendship . This change of rooms had an unforeseen side effect . My memory was that on my last phone call to my parents I had told them I would call again when I got to the islands . They believed I had said I would call every day until I got to there . So when I did not call the next day , or the next , they got worried . Even worse , when they called the YMCA they were told I was no longer staying there ( this was not true , but it was what they were told ) . Not surprisingly , they panicked . Mom and Dad called the Y every day ( probably several times a day ) . Finally a more alert clerk put them in touch with me . I suspect they did not know whether to rejoice or to take a flight down and kill me themselves . I was walking up a hill to a hotel where I planned to ask for a job , when I was grabbed from behind . Someone jabbed a knife point at my back and demanded my wallet . I pulled it out . My attackers turned and ran with the loot . I turned and shouted , " At least throw back the wallet ! " - which , after they had extracted the cash , they did . This was fortuitous because not only did the wallet contain my identification , it held , in the " secret compartment " most of my money , which was in traveler 's checks . Finding work was important , because my bankroll was small and if I did not find a job quickly I would have to return home , a humiliating defeat . I asked everyone I spoke with if they knew of someone who needed a worker , and it wasn 't long before I had my first job . From this I learned an important lesson : when you are looking for work , you don 't just check the want ads , you ask every single person you meet . In addition to work , I needed a place to live . I rented a room in a guest house - basically a standard home where various people rented different bedrooms and shared a kitchen . What a cast of characters I fell in with : a musician and his wife and their four year old son ; a young couple just out of college - she a herpetologist , he a lawyer ; and the guy who played bass in the other musician 's combo , who was living there with his girlfriend . I was the youngest , and quickly became the mascot , a young man to be educated in the ways of the world . After a while the landlady got sick of the musician for some reason , and the women decided to look for a house that we could rent as a group . We ended up living in a home on the side of the hills that sweep up from the bay . The house had a wide deck across the front , which was where I slept . Not bad . I would have liked to have had my own room , but this was like camping out with one of the best views in the world . By this time I had a good job at the airport , and was making better money than I would for the next several years . The summer wore on . I went scuba diving and then sky diving . At home the world was getting crazier and crazier ; the war continued to escalate and the streets of Chicago erupted with riots during the democratic national convention . I went home . But the summer had changed me , and when I started at Duke I felt a difference between myself and most of the kids around me , who were leaving home for the first time . I had already flung myself against the world once and survived , so this transition was easier . I threw myself into life - and politics - at Duke . It is an extraordinarily beautiful school , and I had extraordinary opportunities . One of those opportunities was working on the student newspaper . Another was being allowed to take a seminar course in creative writing , one with very limited enrollment . I enjoyed the course , but it didn 't take me long to realize I was out of place . The other students , fiercely intelligent and highly literate , wanted to be the next Hemingway , the next F . Scott Fitzgerald . I still wanted to be the next Edgar Rice Burroughs ! In fact , I was still working on my adventure novel , though I did have about a week of panic when I made a trip home and the airline temporarily lost my luggage , containing my only copy of the book ( this was well before the age of personal computers , of course ) . Two hundred typewritten pages , two years of work , missing in action ! Though I eventually got it back , I learned my lesson ; never again did I trust the only copy of a manuscript to luggage handlers . While I was at school I started writing letters to Kathy . In essence , I was courting her by mail . So writing has been important to my life in more ways than one ! Another extraordinary opportunity opened up when I got a special delivery letter from the man who handled public relations for Stan Lee , head writer at Marvel Comics . I was still sending letters to Marvel . I had written a particularly long , and I guess somewhat insightful , letter about Silver Surfer # 3 . The PR man wanted to know if I would be interested in arranging for Stan to speak at Duke . Every year Duke had a major event called " The Symposium " where they explored a topic through numerous speeches and seminars . The topic for the 1968 - 1969 academic year was " The Media . " It fit perfectly ! With the guidance of some of the upper classmen in my residence hall , I was able to organize the event . I got a young , hip professor involved . I plastered the campus with posters . We got good publicity in the campus paper . And we got a massive crowd . I was moderating the program , my second major experience with public speaking , but I don 't remember being nervous ; I was probably too excited . Stan was a lively and engaging speaker and the event was a huge success . At Duke I also experienced one of the quintessential events of the era : a student riot . In this case it happened after a group of black students had taken over one of the administration buildings . They had a list of demands , including the establishment of a black studies program . The police were called and were standing guard in front of the building . A large crowd of students not involved in the takeover but sympathetic to the black students gathered in a show of support . There was a comic aspect to what happened next . The black students decided to leave the building . They went out through the back way , and had already exited when for some reason the police decided they had had enough and started firing tear gas on the crowd in front . Chaos erupted . There was a kind of surging battle , with the police forcing the students back across the quad , and then the students moving forward again . Having been moved to become a pacifist by my opposition to the war , rather than fighting I helped students who fell or were injured . Over the next few weeks , as I followed the news coverage of what had happened , I learned something sad but important : the people in power get to tell the stories , and they don 't always tell the truth . I was present at that riot and I knew what had happened . But I could not recognize it in the twisted , distorted versions being offered by the press . Perhaps this was why I shifted my allegiance to the " underground " student paper , the Radish . I loved writing for the Radish . The people on the staff were incredibly smart , passionate about truth and justice , eager to change the world . By the end of that year I had made a decision to leave Duke . Even today I can 't explain everything that went into that choice , though I know that part of it had to do with the fact that many of the teachers who had been active in the political events of that year - teachers I admired and wanted to work with - were also leaving , some by choice , some by force . My best friend , Charlie , was at a college called Harpur in Binghamton , NY , where the political action was really hot . In the summer between my freshman and sophomore years I worked at a steel mill , went out with Kathy , and tried to write . Her mother , with whom I got along very well , gave me a copy of Winnie the Pooh to read . I loved the book - and especially loved the perfect marriage of text and art . And I felt in my bones that Kathy and I could do something like that . I had tried my hand at a couple of children 's stories before , but now , at age nineteen , I became utterly passionate about the idea . I wrote a book called " The Pixie Palace . " I was very proud of it , and didn 't realize until years later how bad it really was . Kathy proclaimed it to be a blend of Edgar Rice Burroughs , Ayn Rand , and A . A . Milne - which was pretty much true . Summer ended , and it was back to school . I have a list in my head of the stupidest things I 've ever done , and leaving Duke has always been near the top . And yet , in some ways it was a lucky stroke , because within two months of starting my sophomore year , Kathy and I were married and living on our own , something that would have been much harder for us to manage had I remained at Duke . The year that followed was both exciting and difficult . We lived in a little apartment - the bottom half of a converted barn - several miles from campus . I was taking a full load of classes and at the same time working a low wage , minimum - brain - requirement job at IBM . We were trying to figure out how to be a married couple . And we had a child on the way . little house in the country , a place meant for a farmer 's hired man , and trying to earn a living by making toys that Kathy had designed . We were barely scraping along , even with the help of the government food stamp program , and after a while I went back to the assembly line at IBM . I did not like working there ; after all , IBM was part of the " military industrial " complex that ruled the country and promoted the war . And the work was truly mindless . Once I had my rhythm established , I could work on autopilot for long stretches of time . This was not all bad , since it left my mind free to philosophize , to invent stories , and to try to figure out my life . It was on one of these nights that I decided I wanted to become a teacher . It seems obvious now . After all , there was no way I was going to make a living writing children 's books right off the bat , I loved working with kids , and teaching would give me plenty of material for stories . As it turned out , Harpur did not have a program for someone who wanted to become an elementary teacher . So I ended up enrolling at Oswego College , not twenty miles from where Kathy and I grew up . After wanting so much to get out of town , I had circled my way back until we were almost where we had started . But this time , at least , I had made a wise decision . Not only was it clear to me that I was going to love teaching , one of the classes you were required to take was children 's literature . The teacher , Helen Buckley , had published several picture books of her own . She agreed to read a book I was working on , which was far and away above the requirements of her job . When she During one session Helen put a box on the table and told us to write a story about it . Most people wrote about what was inside the box . My brain twisted in a different direction ; I thought , " What if you had the box but could never find out what was inside ? " I wrote a short story - called , naturally enough , " The Box " - about a boy who is given the box by an angel , who asks him to take care of it , and never open it . The story remains my favorite out of everything I have written . It was a very difficult year . Even so , and somewhat to my astonishment , they hired me to come back . The next year , when I could start fresh with a class of my own ( and a better sense of what I was doing ) , was an entirely different experience . I loved teaching , loved the kids , loved the work I was doing . Okay , so I didn 't love doing lessons plans and grading papers . But mostly I loved it . And what I learned and experienced in my years as a teacher became a core part of my writing . Over the summer Kathy and I made a move that seemed like a good idea , but carried with it a lot of problems . My grandparents were ready to retire from farming - actually , had already retired , but now wanted to be done with the burden of caring for the house and land . Because none of us wanted the house to leave the family , we cooked up a deal that had my father , my brother , and me buying the farm from my grandparents , then renting the house to Kathy and me . We loved the home . But it put us under a lot of strain . For one thing , it was more than we could really afford . For another , it was not really ours . My brother - who was part owner , after all - was using the farm to board horses . And my grandfather , who had been born in the house , could never really get over thinking of it as his , so would wander in at any time of the day . To make things worse , we had a period of severe winters , some of the snowiest in history for our area , and the farm had a long , uphill driveway that was almost impossible to keep clear . That summer I took a graduate class in children 's literature at Syracuse University . One of the speakers was Natalie Babbitt . I showed her some of Kathy 's illustrations . Natalie was incredibly enthusiastic , said that Kathy should visit some art directors in New York , and invited us to come visit her at home to discuss the idea . Because of the pressures of having a newborn , we were not able to arrange this for some time . In the meantime , something else happened . One evening I was babbling to Kathy about what we had done that day in class . She was sitting with her sketch pad , drawing as she listened . After a while she turned the pad around and said , " Write me a story about this guy . " It was a picture of a forlorn - looking giant standing barefoot in a farmer 's field . He had broken a fence by stepping on it , and the farmer , who only came up to his ankle , was berating him . What she had done in drawing the picture was give me the essence of a story - namely , the character . I knew by looking at it that he was big ( easy to see ! ) , that he got in trouble a lot ( the expression on his face told me that ) , and that he was kind - hearted ( otherwise , he would just have squashed the little guy yelling at him ) . It took me a few weeks , but I found his story . Kathy made some more pictures . When we finally went to see Natalie , she looked at what we were doing and said , " Forget the trip to New York . Finish the dummy and I 'll tell you some places to send it . " It took about a year to get the dummy finished - I was teaching full time , and Kathy had the two little ones at home . But when it was ready we thought it was really good . After a couple of rejections ( I was used to that by now ! ) we got a letter from Dinah Stevenson at Lippincott that was a definite " Maybe . " Dinah felt that the story was way too long - especially since she was considering it for a line of easy readers . She made a number of suggestions for cutting it down . It was hard to consider such radical changes to the story . On the other hand , this was the best chance we had ever had . I went to work , revising and cutting . Kathy did a couple of new pictures in a different medium . " A lot of my time these days goes into my audiobook company , Full Cast Audio . It would not be possible without the hard work of my good friend and business partner , Dan Bostick ( right ) . With us is writer Paula Danziger , who was one of my closest friends before her untimely death in 2004 . " to do ! I signed up for the class , and Kathy signed up to audit it . Many of the same people were taking it again , a small community of people who were passionate about children 's books . Once again , Natalie was to be a featured speaker . The day she was to speak , we got a letter from Dinah formally accepting The Foolish Giant for publication . It was 1977 , eight years after we had first decided to try our hand at children 's books . When you wait that long for a dream to come true , there is no way to hold still when it happens . Kathy and I literally ran outside , jumped up and down , danced around , shrieked . This was a very fertile period for me . As a warm - up for the class , I wrote a little story called " Monster for a Day " about a kid who goes downstairs one morning after breakfast and finds a monster drawing bats on the cellar wall . The monster taps him on the shoulder and says , " You 're it ! " The kid turns into the monster , the monster turns human , and the kid has to chase him around all day , trying to tag him so he can turn back into himself . It was fast , funny , and lively , but not very deep . A few weeks later I realized what was missing : a reason for the kid to become a monster . Asking myself what kind of kid needed to have that experience , I thought of one of the kids in my class ( school was back in session ) and rewrote the story with him in mind . In this version he stumbled into a strange magic shop , where he bought a bottle of pills ( later changed to a ring ) that let him turn himself into a monster . There are now five books about Mr . Elives ' Magic Shop , and they are my most critically successful books . But they all sprang from that short story written as a warm up exercise for that summer seminar . Not that I was able to sell the book version right away . Dinah sent it back , asking for major changes - changes that , this time , I was not willing to make . In teaching , I had moved from second grade to fourth grade , where I felt really at home . I loved the age , loved the books I was able to use with the kids , loved the teaching in general . In the fall of 1978 one of the teachers I was working with talked the other three of us into doing a play as a major class project the next spring . Settling on Alice in Wonderland , we managed to get copies of the book for every single kid in the fourth grade . I was working with the top reading group that year , and we decided to have them do the adaptation . It was like finding a second life . As a kid I had wanted to be an actor . I had put away that particular dream , whether from lack of confidence or because the call to writing was more powerful I couldn 't say . Now I was on fire with this project . The fire burned brighter when Pat , the teacher who had insisted we do the play to begin with , kept saying we needed a big song to close the thing . Finally I went to the music teacher , Angela Zammit ( later Peterson ) and asked if she would write some music if I provided the lyrics . She agreed , so a few days later I got up one morning ( I was still writing before I went to work ) and came up with what I hoped would be a good closing number . I gave the words to Angie at school , figuring she would get back to me in three or four days . But as I was leaving that afternoon she caught me and said , " Do you want to hear the song ? " When she played and sang for me the words I had written that morning I thought the top of my head was going to come off ! This was great ! I loved doing it ! Soon I dragooned Angie into doing two more songs for the show - which was generous of her ; she was getting married a few days after we were to perform Alice , and had more than enough on her mind . The night we performed Alice for the parents I was too excited to get to sleep . As I was lying in bed , in the spot halfway between waking and sleeping , I saw an image of a princess dressed in a beautiful gown . When she lifted the edge of the gown to reveal the army boots she was wearing underneath , and shouted , " Kick up your heels ! " I knew it was the start of a big musical number . I kept trying to get to sleep , but ideas for the new play - especially for how we could get groups of kids on stage - kept filling my head . And in the middle of getting it all together , Kathy took the kids and moved out . My life was split right down the middle . On the professional side I was happier and more creatively engaged than I had ever been . On the personal side it was a shambles . With some hard work and a lot of forgiveness on both sides , we managed to maintain a good friendship - which was just as well , since our third child , Adam , was born the next year . But I had lost my bearings , and entered a long period that I think of as my personal soap opera . Things became so chaotic in my personal life that the next year , the spring of 1981 , I resigned my teaching position , planning to leave the farm and move to New York City to pursue my writing . It didn 't quite work out that way . While I left the job , and the farm , I was not able to uproot myself from Syracuse . Again , just as well , since it was better for the children that I be nearby . I worked as a temp , bounced around in relationships , and tried to get my writing career moving . Angie and I wrote two more musicals that were given lovely mountings by a local group . But I was not able to get another book published for quite a while . The Monster 's Ring - which was still called Monster Pills at this point - was bouncing from publisher to publisher . Finally I got a letter saying a publisher was interested , but thought the book needed a number of changes - pretty much the same changes Dinah had requested three years earlier . I decided it was time to make them . While I was working on the revision , the publisher hired that same Dinah as an editor . Since we had worked together already , they decided she should work on this project , too . So the book landed on her desk with exactly the changes she had asked for , years after she had first requested them . Who knows how much time and trouble I would have saved myself if I hadn 't been so stubborn ? Publishing , I have often said , is a business that devours its young . My first three books were done with prestigious hardcover houses . They were well reviewed and sold respectably . But there was no way I could live on what I was making from them , much less provide support for my children . So I started doing paperback originals . As far as putting food on the table goes , this was a good choice . In terms of career building , it was not so wise . Original paperbacks are condemned by their very format to be considered less literary , and of lower quality , than things that are first published in hardcover . I did some of my best work in this format . But the books were rarely reviewed , and did little to establish my credentials as a writer . ( Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys are the quintessential packaged products . ) Through an odd set of circumstances , one packager I worked with , Byron Preiss , asked me to write a story called My Teacher Is an Alien . I wanted to throttle Byron when I heard the title , simply because it was the best title I had ever heard , and I hadn 't thought of it myself . The book turned out to be an unexpected success , selling as many copies in its first year as all my other books put together . Of course , most of the money stayed with the packager . But when it came time to write the sequels , I was able to get a better deal . The series continued to build . The fourth book , My Teacher Flunked the Planet , is one of the things I am proudest of in all my career . But it remains a secret between me and the kids , since not many adults have paid attention to it . Indeed , a startling number of teachers and parents have told me they had not read My Teacher Is an Alien specifically because of the title or the cover , and were startled to find , after a child had urged it upon them , how much they actually enjoyed it . There 's one final twist in the story that I should tell you about . In 1992 , after eleven years of separation ( but no divorce ) , Kathy and I decided to try living together again . We had stayed close friends , indeed had collaborated on additional books . Somehow , it just seemed we belonged together . As we are . Please include a link to this page if you have found this material useful for research or writing a related article . Content on this website is from high - quality , licensed material originally published in print form . You can always be sure you 're reading unbiased , factual , and accurate information . I am doing a author study at my school CTMS . This is the best site to go to for the study . I choose him cause he writes about UNICORNS ; ) : P |
I have spent the last 10 days not touching the lap top . I 've used my Kindle Fire HD as a way to access Facebook and Twitter . My iPhone has been for email . 2012 has been an amazing year . My son starting talking , he crawled , stood , and walked . He runs through the house , babbling and learning words so quickly now . He went through his second surgery and came out of it okay . There was some trauma , but he 's overcome that , and now feeds himself and drinks out of straws . I made a trip back to CA that helped cement for me that I really miss my family but this move was the best decision . Working from home is the greatest thing ever , and this quiet life is something I would never trade for anything in the world . The speech therapy people will not need to be an option . James has learned more words , and in the end has shown us that he knows more than we thought he did . If he brings you his wooden puzzle pieces and you identify the animal , he tries to make the noise . Do you know how adorable it is to tell him he has a goat and he laughs , touches its face , and says " baa baa " ? He has also discovered the usage of Skype . He played with my mother the other night , making noises with his hands and mouth , which she mimicked and applauded . The next morning when he saw the screen he indicated his mouth to play again , waiting for me to turn it on for him to play . We 'll be spending more time with this technology now that he can interact more . The next year is so full of possibilities . We are on the right track now , and hopefully will be able to keep marching along . I 'd hoped to get back to CA in May , but it may be more for Halloween due to our move . But we will get back there . So , to those of you who read , thank you for stopping by . Have a safe and happy new year 's eve , and i will see you in the morning ! The other two , who are so close to me that I made sure my son met them both , did so on their own as well . Not necessarily for the same reason as my friend 's husband , but regardless it worked for them . I don 't know why , but when they say bald is beautiful , they are right . I guess in my mind I always pictured them with some cheap disposable thing , and this just makes it look so much more . . . . grown up . I had to say it . We just attended our 20th high school reunion so there is no denying it . Did I mention they both wear a goatee most days as well ? This would actually be pretty nifty for that as well . My husband may actually enjoy something a little more like this one since his shaving is at the last minute when we decide to go out . Are you looking for a gift for someone who would appreciate an actual shaving kit as opposed to the nearest can of shaving cream and razor ? Or something more like my husband , quick and clean for the last minute shave on the way out the door ? This is the way to do it ! There 's Free Ground shipping and $ 15 off your purchase of any The Art of Shaving Full Size Kit , until 12 / 30 / 12 with Promo Code : 15offFSK at checkout . Or 20 % off your purchase of The Perfect Shave Solution . Valid unitl 12 / 30 No code needed . Discount automatically applied at checkout when you purchase a full size Pre Shave , a full size Shaving Cream or soap and bowl , Shaving Brush , Razor and After Shave . Plus Free Ground Shipping and 10 % off ProGlide Power Save Set , through 12 / 30 / 12 Promo code : 10PowerShave . James has his words . He also works on his Jedi skills by signaling to things he wants as if he can will them into the palm of his outstretched hands . It reminds me of Kevin Smith in Mallrats . They asked if we wanted to do early intervention and have someone come work with him . Which stressed me out and had me worried we were doing something wrong for about a whole minute . Then I thought about him and us and realized something . For now we turned down the offer . We go back in March , and I 'll probably turn it down then . I want him to get to it when he 's ready . Not because the system says he 's supposed to have a vocabulary of 15 words by this age . Thanksgiving is where I hit my stride . The turkey , the stuffing , the sides , and even desserts . I love doing it all , lining it up so that everything hits the table warm and fresh . Empty plates afterward makes me so excited because I know that everyone enjoys my cooking . Christmas has always been second to it . I don 't know when that happened , but it did . While I still make sure my tree goes up , the decorations are set up , this is more for James now than anything When we moved out here , I tried to find a way to be a part of both sides of the family . After we were pregnant , this was something I wanted more than anything because it was important to me that James knew his family . This is a huge bunch , and there are generations here that he would learn so much from . One side has always accepted me . I 've been a part of everything , and now my son is so entrenched in their lives that he loves being with them . He wiggles out of our arms to play with them , and they love him so much that you can 't help but see it . The other side I thought had accepted me . But in the last 14 months I have come to accept the fact that I am not one of them . There are no invitations to gatherings or birthday parties , with everyone " assuming " that just because they all get together that we know to join them . The worst ? When plans are made around me and no one asks if we will be there or gives any information about a time . Then we are told we were expected to be there . A girl 's trip was planned . It was supposed to be the sisters and their kids . Since this isn 't my mom we are talking about , but my MIL , I was not thinking to be included at all . Was I hurt ? Yes . My son and I were never included or asked to join . I wanted him to be a part of this family , whom I actually admire and like , but nothing . I jumped on it . This is me at my element again . Cooking , hosting , and enjoying family in our home . James enjoying all the attention and getting to play . A month ago , people . We made these plans a month ago . We have never been invited to do anything on Christmas with the other side of the family . Our first Christmas , I was 17 weeks pregnant and it was snowing , so we got a ride over with the grandparents to the in - laws house , opened presents , and then headed home . As the rest of the family was headed out , my MIL mentioned where there were headed to and asked if we wanted to join them . We had no car , it wasn 't safe for me to drive any way , so we headed home . Last year I visited the nursing home practically every weekend where James ' great - great grandmother is . I sat with them every Saturday , talked and laughed . When my family came in November , I didn 't go to visit , so when I did resume it the holidays were 10 days away . I sat as they made plans , assigned dishes , and played with James . But no one even looked at me and told me what was happening . No time or any info . When A found out , he lost it . He called his dad and told him that we were staying home on Christmas Day and that they could come by to see James any time they wanted . They came on the 26th . She proceeded to call my FIL and get upset with him . I should mention that they have separated . Dad is joining us on Christmas Day because grandma and I don 't want him to be alone . MIL is more than welcome , A told her this last night , but it appears that the issue is that we made plans . You see , somewhere along the line , we were supposed to know that the family gets together at her sister 's . We were supposed to know we were included . And why were we not going and having everyone at our place ? I 'm done with it . Over this last year I 've come to see that relying on her to be included just leads to being miserable . James deserves better than being a last minute inclusion on things or completely omitted altogether . At first , it was a great distraction . Touch the screen and the animal made a noise and a woman 's voice identified the animal . Tilt the phone from side to side and the animal would slide down the screen and giggle . The screen also knew when he had the phone upside down and would adjust so the character was still standing correctly . Want a new animal ? No , I don 't have a picture yet . I need to do that , but am trying to coordinate it with James being nearby and touching it . Can 't you picture that sweet moment ? ? When James woke up on Monday , he didn 't seem to notice or care it was there . That 's been the case each day . It 's on , he sees the lights , but he isn 't trying to get it . James ate his breakfast , was let out of his high chair to play , and he stopped and looked back . He stared at the tree , specifically the Yoda tree topper , and lifted his hand to indicate it and grunted . Then he looked at me , looked at it again , and did it again . The article pointed out how much sleep on average that children of different ages needed . It also made a point of stating that just because you let your child stay up later didn 't necessarily mean they 'd sleep later . They would awaken when it was time to eat , so if you let them play because they didn 't seem tired then you were just setting things up for disaster . The downside is that work is keeping me hopping right now . The days are packed , so by the time James is asleep I am exhausted . I still am up till almost midnight , but some nights I have been in bed and asleep not long after him . Alone time for adults is hard to come by for now . But we have his great grandparents to lean on , and we are going to be taking advantage of that soon . There are movies to go see , and gift cards to be used ! Considering that the majority of his toys are made of wood , this isn 't going over very well with anyone . We 're doing the best we can to stop this habit , but the truth is he just gets frustrated . He can 't tell us what he wants , and doesn 't know how else to express frustration when things don 't fit . James has also found great pleasure in placing the pieces onto the farm and then throwing the whole thing on the floor . Why ? Because the pieces pop out and he thinks it 's funny . The problem with that one is that there is a 50 / 50 chance that the switch that turns the music on / off may get bumped on landing . If there is no music to accompany the playing then life as we know it is coming to an end . Or at least you would assume that based on the amount of crying when buttons are pushed and nothing happens . This is normally followed with the toy being thrown again as someone reaches full frustration , and then one of us calmly turning it on , pushing the buttons to show it works , and James beginning the process all over again . Sunday morning , A was playing with him in his room . James opted to leave him and come out to the living room to play , and A waited back there for him . He told me heard the farm , and a crash , and then no noise . As he waited for the cry or another crash , James did something that apparently surprised him . Seriously , the kid is learning daily . Yes , everything that falls or pops open is told " uh oh " by us . He now does this himself when he drops something , even if it is just a piece of cereal . I 've had to keep an eye on the length of his fingernails . Normally I let this go . He doesn 't scratch himself , and the wrestling involved to trim 10 fingers is bad . At least with his toes I can put him in his high chair and give him something to snack on . I 've also had to start using lotion on him . Something we 've never done , not even as a newborn . He 's just always had amazing skin , and there was nothing needed from us . This itchy skin thing has made James into Al Bundy . His hands are down his pajama pants when at home , and if we are out the same thing happens . He is trying to get to his thighs , and also has reached down the back of his diaper to scratch his lower back / upper buttocks for relief . This morning , daddy was finishing his breakfast as I made something for myself to eat . James had been playing in the living room , and suddenly sounded upset . It was the whine that we associate with him getting a puzzle piece stuck somewhere , like under the couch , where he can 't reach . As I was finishing cooking , A rounded the corner from the kitchen into the living room while saying , " Alright , what 'd you lose ? " Then he asked , " Did you poop your diaper ? " Which was suddenly followed up with , " Oh , holy shit ! " Someone had apparently needed to scratch in his diaper . His full diaper . And when he pulled out his hand , he pulled out proof of what he had in there . And this , Internets , is why he will be wearing a onesie for as long as he can fit in them . It 's to keep his hands out of his diaper . Especially when they are filled with poo . First and foremost we know that he knows names . If I say that " Gamma and Gampa " are here , he tears out of his room , down the hallway , and arrives in the living room with a huge grin for his great grandparents . He also has proven that if you tell him to give kisses to someone , and use the pre - approved name for that person , he will look around until he spots them and then deliver kisses on the cheek . To go along with that , he has discovered the art of being a ham . If he does anything that is followed by praise and hands clapping you can be guaranteed that he will continue to do that for the next 20 minutes . That includes kissing on the cheek . This is used for everything from a drink of water to his Honey Nut Cheerios , to even my iPhone or the pad of paper I am using for a grocery list . It 's something he started doing at the beginning of November , while with my sister in CA . Something clicked when he would indicate the fan over the living room and she would turn it on . Now it 's pretty much the go to for him . His personality is showing more and more . He still prefers to be left with his toys to figure them out , stack them , spin them . Though I have to admit the one frustration we 've had that forced us to hide a couple of toys . James realized that the pictures on the puzzles he had matched the pieces he carried and played with . I don 't know where it clicked , daddy says that he did work with him on them , but it happened . The problem is that you can tell he knows where they go , but he can 't get the animal shapes in all the time . He is still learning to adjust them to fit , and when it doesn 't happen he will get mad . So , for the sake of all our sanity , the boards are up on a shelf . He still has all the pieces , and the boards come down so we can work the puzzles together . When he gets tired of it , they go back up and life is good . I asked the pediatrician if this was normal , and he said not to worry . The only concern would be if he lost weight , which hasn 't happened . We let him know that his appetite is obviously there . James is active , though . Constantly playing , running , bouncing , and spinning . He spends time stacking things , trying to fit shapes into puzzles , even paging through books . I love that . That he wants to explore and play . It 's one of the reasons we moved here to start a family . This Spring we 'll be moving again . Into a house , with a yard , and stairs , and room . He 's going to have so much to explore , leaves to gathers , rocks and pebbles to play with . I am so thankful for the love and support our families have given us . Our son has so much , and we are still spoiled regularly by everyone . I make sure to always thank everyone when they give James something , make sure they know how much we appreciate them . We had so many diapers when he came home from the hospital , gifts from family and friends , that we didn 't buy our first box until he was about 7 months old . It 's Thanksgiving . Today I am making a huge meal for the family here , and will hopefully talk to my family in CA as well . And I will always think of the fact that our son has never been left wanting for anything and it 's because of all of them . Which seems a little redundant to some people . I work from home . I play with James throughout the day to be completely honest . But when there isn 't work , when I can turn off the laptop for a bit , then the focus is on him . James was in his high chair , eating oatmeal , and Super Why was on in background . At the beginning of each episode , the characters identify a problem , and once it 's stated they normally respond with " Oh no ! " . As they did this today , James apparently turned to the screen and said " uh oh " . The thought of making a life plan or a vision board of some kind is not something I thought I 'd ever do . I 've seen others do this for different things , from goals to organizing for a remodel . And now that I think about it , isn 't that really want Pinterest was made for ? Though , admittedly , I pin recipes there more than anything else . Using this book , I took a look at life in all its aspects and was able to stop and think about where I am , where I 've been , and where I hope to be . This includes everything , from work to play , and even family and friends . Have you ever really stopped to think what friendships would be there in 10 years ? I have now . If you are looking to make changes and need a place to start , pick up My Life Map and work through the book . Still on the fence ? Head over to the BlogHer Book Club , read more about it , and join the conversation ! I remember hearing once that the rule is you need 1 day to recover for every 1 hour of time change while traveling . While that was the case for me , with the little one it is anything but that . He still can 't decide when he wants to sleep , some days opting for 4 hour naps , and we are at the mercy of the sleep whine . So we watch the clock . Time it from when awakes , and estimate that perfect sweet spot . The one between when he isn 't tired enough to nap and might just yell and throw things from him crib and when he is too exhausted and will do nothing but cry for 20 minutes before crashing from pure exhaustion . Well , James and I made it to CA and back again . The trip out was easy . He did well on both flights , getting antsy on the second one because he wanted to run around . Luckily we shared a row with this wonderful woman who had 2 children at home and had traveled alone with them . She told me not to worry about him , and played and talked to him even when he interrupted her reading . The people who mattered most to me were at my table . Dinner was okay , though not worth $ 75 for a chicken breast and a scoop of mashed potatoes . I will never understand the need to have a DJ there to blast music . I would have preferred time to talk to people . In the end , our group spent most of our time in the hallway , talking where we could hear one another . James misses his Aunty . She played with him all day , and you can tell he misses that level of attention . His appetite is back in full swing , and he is sleeping like he would prefer to hibernate . His daddy is having to get out of vacation mode , and that 's been like waking up slowly from hibernation . When I was in the 1st grade , a boy wrote me a note that he liked me . I had a crush on him as well , so that was a good thing , but I apparently couldn 't handle the pressure . My mom says I was sick to my stomach and missed school over that note . I told him about my 1st grade crush and that I 'd be fine once I was on that first flight . I love flying , and can sleep through the worst turbulence . That won 't be as easy to do when traveling with James alone , but I still will be able to be comfortable in the air . We live in a corner of the Roanoke Valley , shielded by a mountain that is part of a national forest . That mountain has saved us from brutal wind storms that knocked power out in other parts of the county . I blame it for us not seeing more than 1 day of snow in the last year while my in - laws saw 3 days of it plus hail and other interesting forces of nature . But Sandy is doing me wrong in other ways . Or might not . This storm is so all over the place that for now I think I 'm safe , but I 'm still crossing fingers that it will be okay by Thursday morning . Believe it or not , the worst part of the whole thing was that the " gown " they gave me was meant for someone at least 3 sizes smaller than me . And at least 2 cup sizes smaller as well . Luckily I am comfortable keeping my arms crossed in front of me for extended periods of time . We arrived about 15 minutes early , signed papers , and then took a seat . At exactly 9 they called me back , had me strip from my waist up , and then I put on the gown . I had a locker for my clothes , and I kept the key on me . During a normal screening , 4 pictures are taken , 2 of each breast , and then results are mailed . Due to the fact that the doctor had felt something , I would be having a diagnostic exam . On top of those 4 pictures , my right breast had another 3 taken , and then I would be having an ultrasound . I 'd have the results of everything before leaving them . On Tuesday , we had dinner here , ran a couple of errands , and then decided to visit at his great grandparents house . By the time we were nearing the end of our visit , he was ready for a snack . His great grandma and I decided to experiment . In Diary of a Submissive , Sophie Morgan very openly and honestly talks about her life . More specifically , her sex life . That openness is refreshing , though I admit at times in the beginning it made me a little uncomfortable . But as I continued reading her story , I became interested in what she learned about herself and how this was a part of her that she became comfortable with . Now , I haven 't read any of the other books that have swept the nation in the last year . I 'm not a prude , but I couldn 't understand the fascination . Not until it was explained in a way that wasn 't something fictional and instead felt like a conversation with someone . Still not too sure ? Please visit BlogHer 's page here to get more information about the book and join the conversation ! I really don 't think you 'll regret this one . This month is best know for Halloween , but a close second is that it 's Breast Cancer Awareness Month . We are doing our little part here by saving all of the pink yogurt lids from James ' daily snack to mail in . It 's not a whole lot , but it 's something , and everybody can do a little something . Due to The Colonel being out on medical leave , my annual exam for all things womanly was pushed from August to September . Then jury duty happened , and the next available appointment was for today . Side note : If it really is this nuts to get an appointment then I start to think that being an OB - GYN might be a great career choice . It really is just nuts , people ! At one of my first exams , back in my teens , the doctor said I should know that I have a long birth canal . This is relevant because a normal speculum isn 't that long . In order to see my cervix , a normal speculum has to be inserted upside down , which means I get pinched by those handles . I don 't need to explain in detail how much it HURTS to have a hair in that area get stuck and pulled , right ? So , every since then , I have made it a point to tell my doctors that I need the large ones . Did you know that they make them in large ? The duck bill part that is inserted is longer , and it makes life better for everyone involved . Not really . Not today . Ask me again after next Tuesday and I may tell you that the tension headache went away as soon as the examine was done . That second day , she invited James to the play mat , and I sat with him on the floor . She shared a truck ( happened to be the same one he had at home ) and a wooden puzzle . James was ecstatic to be playing , and the baby she was working with looked excited to have someone else playing on the floor . I mentioned that I loved the puzzles , and she told me she had ordered them online . She went on to tell me that she orders a lot of the things online for the hospital , and is always looking to get a good deal to save them money . Her favorite thing ? She had signed up on eBates and was taking the money they refunded to buy more for the kids . And if you are like me and wanting to save money this Holiday season , you may want to try it . Just click HERE and start by signing up . All you have to remember to do is go to their site to find the store first , use their link to the store to shop , and then wait for the refund check . I am not receiving any compensation for this post and I really do use eBates for all our online shopping now . If you do sign up using my link above then I will get a referral credited towards my account , but even if you don 't want to do that , you should at least give them a try by visiting them directly . Happy shopping ! We did make sure to attempt some baby fruits and yogurts . Those he would swallow while curled up on one of our laps as the other circled with a spoon . He never ate a whole container at once , so we had a shelf of half eaten things that we rotated around , and nothing went to waste in the end . You could tell when the food had hit his system as he suddenly would have energy and demand to play . Have you ever seen someone with a fever spin in circles and then collapse into a giggling mess ? He 'd do it two or three times and then be too tired to do it again . I wish I hadn 't been laughing so hard that I 'd thought to record it . By Sunday , he was showing no signs of anything being wrong . Well , if you didn 't catch a look at him after he ran around for a bit or sneezed . If you saw him at those moments you 'd wonder why no one had invented something to catch the snot that runs out of a toddler 's nose . For the record , my husband used to hunt deer . He 's dealt with cleaning it and everything . He isn 't squeamish . But one look at the amount of stuff running out of James ' nose and he lost his appetite and gagged . Dinner last night consisted of a tub of peas , a tub of a baby dinner , the last 1 / 2 jar of fruit , the last 1 / 2 container of yogurt , and several ounces of water . Then when we sat to eat , James came and ate about a serving worth of noodles in alfredo sauce . And then about half a slice if Italian cream cake that was on my plate for dessert . But my brother will be here this weekend . I 've not seen him since leaving CA , and I cannot wait for some time with him . To introduce him to his nephew and watch them play . Three weeks after they arrive , James and I will be headed back to CA for a short visit . I 'll be at my 20th high school reunion . He 'll be meeting people that I can honestly say I 've known longer than half my life . For the most part he has been pretty good . His appetite is not really there , but we do make sure he is eating yogurt and fruit and drinking water . Tonight he even had some vanilla shake . 20 minutes later , we were at his grandparents ' house , and he was set down to play . It took another 30 minutes before he was his normal self , playing in their living room and kitchen , taking magnets from the fridge . Walking in his shoes . After the cleft palate surgery , making him take a bottle was torture for everyone involved . Sippy cups did no good either . He wanted nothing in his mouth , and proved to be stronger than we thought when it came to fighting it . Last week , during dinner out , the waitress brought him a kid 's cup with a straw . We didn 't think it would work . He had been fighting just drinking liquids because there was more effort involved . The milkshake was thick and stayed up in the straw , so he was able to sip and not have to wait for the drink . It 's more a mystery / thriller for this month , and Trust Your Eyes really delivers it . And for my cousin who checks these things : It 's not too long , so you 'll be able to read it quickly and not be left wondering what 's happening for too long . I know suspense and you don 't normally mix ! We tried to slip on some to try on and the look he gave me was enough to let me know that it 's going to be interesting . And that we will need to look for velcro because he has this fascination with laces . And pretty much any piece of string . He likes to lay them flat and straight and see if they move . James is pretty focused when he plays . Actually , it 's almost a little too intense some times . He just seems to fixate on one thing and plays and plays and plays . For his first birthday , the great grandparents bought him his first potty seat so we 'd be ready for him . I 'm thinking that I will be opening it this weekend . He is in no way ready to start , but as long as he is in there , it doesn 't hurt to teach him to sit , right ? From that point , work for us both keeps life moving until I log off at 5 . James is active , plays a lot by himself , but has days where he needs us . It means that when his nap rolls around we are both ready for 2 hours to focus on things that we can spend more than 10 minutes on before someone wants to " help " . By the way , when did he realize that helping was something that he could do ? He wants to be in the cabinets and touching things and pulling out pots and pans . We 've given him an old set of plastic tubs and lids , and if I am in there cooking , he is in there cooking from one end of the kitchen to the other with me . His bedtime is later than we like . Normally 9 , but a couple of times almost 10 . We manage to stay up until at least 11 , occasionally 12 , catching up with things , and then falling sleeping . This has been something we talked about for a while . Mainly so that he could play with his bigger and noisier toys all day if he wanted . We weren 't sure how he would like it , but as is the norm for him there was no reason for us to worry . He is perfectly content to play there and then bring things out to us . It 's giving him more freedom to grow . What it boils down to is that after having 3 days off work last week , plus the weekend , James was not ready for Monday . I 've spent all my spare time with him . He is just today getting back to not wanting to sit on my lap or stand next to my chair whining for me to look at him and play . They couldn 't stop laughing last night . After 3 trips to the pool , James is very relaxed and lounges in his turtle . He also has started kicking in the water , and laughs as he drifts . I don 't think he realizes what he is doing , but it 's funny to watch . I use the word " beat " because that 's what it felt like . In the end , I think I just tricked my body long enough to ovulate and then conceive . My hormones actually did their job , and my son is truly the best part of that whole thing . This time around , I 've lost more weight than last time . Roughly 15 pounds more so far . I 'm still on birth control pills , so my cycle should be predictable and happen right when the white pills take over for that last 7 days in the pack . Over the last 2 months my cycle has been the oddest thing . I attributed it to the hell that was the first part of May , and then to James being in the braces and dealing with that . I kept saying that once things went back to normal that I 'd be fine . I think I am averaging a short cycle every 2 weeks . The time between them are emotionally draining for me . I fluctuated between weepy and bitchy , and some times both happen at once . My husband has shown that he is really patient with me as I alternate between wanting to be with him and then not wanting to talk to him . He is the youngest of the families on both side , and the next closes to him is 2 years older . She is a beautiful little girl , but likes being the center of the attention . She also had a habit of eating mulch , so couldn 't be let out of sight from what I heard . We took James to visit his great granny last week , and he spent the time walking around with a small shell he found , then a leaf , and eventually a rock . He would change them up , but he played quietly , and everyone just watched him walking around . There was no tantrum , no need to keep him busy , no need to reprimand . He just does his own thing at his own pace and is excited to see how things work when he puts them on different surfaces . I really think the family has never seen one of the kids be like this . His great grandma and great grandpa tell everyone that he is the easiest baby they 've ever watched . They take him to their place and he swings and swims and babbles at them for hours . Prior to life as a couple , I loved going to baseball games and hockey games . I never liked watching them on TV because it just wasn 't the same . That and the announcers annoyed me . Football I could do on TV . I was normally in it for the Super Bowl ads , though . I remember sleeping through many a game , waking to see the ads , and then dozing off again . My husband really has never done sports . He says that if James decides to play something that he will be there for every game , and help him any way he can . But until then , if I turn on the Super Bowl , he turns on a game on his computer . Last Friday was the opening of the Olympics in London . This is another thing I love to watch , the music and performers , and then the countries being announced as their athletes take the field . It 's amazing to see it all unfold . I missed it in 2008 because I was getting married , so this year I wanted to sit and watch . Saturday morning , after James watched his show , I switched to see what was on . I don 't know what happened . Between volleyball and swimming and gymnastics , I was drawn further and further in to it all . I was yelling when we won or advanced , and complaining when people got in our way . It was more than I 'd done in a while for any sport , and the next thing I knew , A was sitting next to me . Over the last week , we 've watched more competitions on TV than I can count . We are playing a trivia game through an app for points , reading about the competitions and results , refreshing web pages like crazy to see what happens next . Don 't ask me about that last one . I don 't know why , but last month we were getting one of those a week ( at least ) and splitting them . Not just for lunch . We are talking about a weird craving at 9 , after James was asleep , and we 'd sit on the floor with the box between us watching TV . No , we don 't smoke pot . This had nothing with the munchies . It was just I HAD TO HAVE THEM NOW thing and luckily A just said go for it . He actually drove out and bought them a couple of those times and he hates driving anywhere . My weight over the last 6 weeks has fluctuated within a 3 pound range , and I realized that I had hit that point where just eating right wasn 't going to cut it . I 'd have to burn calories . Move my body . I walked 1 . 25 miles using the Fat Burner program on the treadmill , listening to music , and felt good . I walked back in to the apartment in the best mood , and arrived in time to see James wake up . The endorphins kept me bouncing , so I changed and fed him , all with A looking at me funny . All images and content on this site © copyright Sharon G Harris . All rights Reserved . Material on this site should not be used or reproduced in any way . I 'm a 39 year old first time mom . I had been diagnosed with PCOS and thought an IUI or IVF would be the only way to conceive . After a move from CA to VA , we put ourselves on a diet , lost a lot of weight , and suddenly found ourselves pregnant just when we were going to meet our new RE . Things are bound to be more interesting now . . . |
A famous tale from Arabia Long time ago in China , there lived a poor boy , whose name was Aladdin . Aladdin lived with his mother . One day a rich and distinguished looking man came to their house and said to Aladdin 's mother , " I am a merchant from Arabia and want your son to come with me . I will reward him handsomely . " Aladdin 's mother instantly agreed . Little did she know that the man pretending to be a rich merchant was in reality a magician . Next day , Aladdin having packed his belongings left with the ' merchant ' . After many hours of traveling the ' merchant ' stopped . Aladdin too stopped , surprised that they should stop in such a desolate spot . He looked around ; there was nothing in sight for miles . The ' merchant ' pulled out some colored powder from his pocket and threw in the ground . The next instant the whole place was filled with smoke . As the smoke cleared , Aladdin saw a huge opening in the ground ; it was a cave . The ' merchant ' turned to Aladdin and said , " I want you to go inside this cave ; there will be more gold than you have ever seen ; take as much as you want . You will also see an old lamp ; please bring that back to me . Here , take this ring ; it will help you . " Aladdin was very suspicious but the decided to do as was told . He lowered himself into the cave , thinking all the while that it would be difficult to climb out without help . Aladdin entered the cave and just like the ' merchant ' had said saw gold , jewelry , diamonds and other valuables . He filled his pockets . When this was done , he looked for the lamp ; it was lying in the corner , full of dust and dirty . He picked it up and ran to the cave 's opening and shouted to the ' merchant ' , " I have your lamp . Can you please pull me out ? " " Give me the lamp , " said the ' merchant ' . Aladdin was not sure that he would be pulled out if he gave back the lamp ; so he said , " First , please pull me out . " This angered the ' merchant ' . With a loud cry , he pulled out the same colorful powder and threw it on the cave opening , sealing it with a huge boulder . Aladdin was depressed . He thought , " That was no rich merchant ; he was surely a magician . I wonder why this lamp was so important to him . " As he was thinking he rubbed the lamp . All of sudden a strange mist filled the room and from the mist emerged a stranger looking man . He said , " My master , I am the genie of the lamp , you have rescued me ; what would your wish be ? " Aladdin was scared but he said in quivering voice , " Ta . . Take me back home . " And the next moment Aladdin was home hugging his mother . He told her of the magician and the lamp . Aladdin again summoned the genie . This time when the genie appeared he was not scared . He said , " Genie , I want a palace , not an old hut . " Again to Aladdin and his mother 's amazement in front of them was a magnificent palace . Time passed . Aladdin married the Sultan 's daughter and was very happy . It so happened that the evil magician got to know of Aladdin 's good fortune . He came by Aladdin 's palace pretending to exchange old lamps for new . The princes , Aladdin 's wife , not knowing the value of the lamp to Aladdin called out to the magician to wait . As soon as the magician saw the lamp he grabbed it from the princess ' hand and rubbed it . The genie appeared , " you are my master and your wish is my command , " he said to the magician . " Take Aladdin 's palace to the great desert faraway from here , " ordered the magician . When Aladdin came home , there was no palace and no princess . He guessed it must be the evil magician who had come to take revenge on him . All was not lost , Aladdin had a ring that the magician had given to him . Aladdin pulled out that ring , rubbed it . Another genie appeared . Aladdin said , " Take me to my princess . " Soon , Aladdin was in Arabia with his princess . He found his lamp lying on a table next to the magician . Before the magician could react , Aladdin jumped for the lamp and got hold of it . As soon as he had the lamp , Aladdin rubbed it . The genie appeared again and said , " My master , Aladdin , it is indeed good to serve you again . What is it that you wish ? " " I want you to send this magician to another world so that he never harms anybody , " said Aladdin . Aladdin 's wish was carried out ; the evil magician disappeared forever . One stormy night at sea , a ship was wrecked . All the passengers on board drowned , except Lemuel Gulliver . Gulliver was a excellent swimmer and swam for many miles before he reached shore . Gulliver was very tired and decided to sleep . He would look for food after he had had sufficient rest . Gulliver slept for a whole day . When he woke up , the Sun was beating down upon him . He tried to move , he could not . His hair , hands , legs and body were tied to the ground . He saw little men running all around him . Someone had got a tiny ladder and was climbing up to him . The little man , no bigger than Gulliver 's thumb nail , came up to him ears and said , " You are in the land of Lilliput ; we are Lilliputians . We are taking you to our Emperor , so please do not make any trouble . You will be shot at . " Gulliver almost laughed at this threat but nodded . A huge wooden structure with wheels was brought . Gulliver was slid on to it after much struggle . The wooden structure was pulled through the streets of Lilliput with all the Lilliputians lining up the streets . Finally , they arrived at the Emperor 's palace . The Emperor was there to receive Gulliver , " You are indeed a strange sight . If you are to stay here you will have to be of service to my people here , " he said pointing to the crowd . Gulliver said , " I agree to any condition but only if you untie me . " Gulliver was freed . He was provided with food and water , a house was built for him . It was a monumental effort by the Lilliputians , who were all out to serve Gulliver . Gulliver stayed with the Lilliputians , helping them with many small tasks . It so happened , that the neighboring kingdom of Bleuse were not on very friendly relationship with Lilliput . The King of Bleuse declared war on Lilliput . He took a hundred ships to mount an attack . The Lilliputians ran to Gulliver for help . The Emperor said , " Don 't let us down now Gulliver ; we need your help . " Gulliver walked into the sea . He took long rope , tied all the hundred ships together and dragged them in the water . Gulliver pulled the ships the whole day , until the army of Bleuse was giddy and in no position to fight . The King of Bleuse came begging for peace between the two kingdoms . The Emperor agreed . Gulliver was hailed as the hero and lived in Lilliput for many years . Why Dogs Wag Their Tails Long long ago in a village , there lived a rich man who lived in a big house with only a dog and a cat . His wife had died and his only daughter lives some miles away in the city to pursue her studies . The man was very fond of her girl and once every week , he used to send a present to her through the dog and the cat . But the dog was very old . It had lost all its teeth and was incapable of fighting . The cat , however , was strong . It was also very cunning . Together , they were a force and could help the other . The cat could use its intelligence to protect itself and the dog , while the dog knew how to find the way as its senses were still powerful . So the man sent them together on errands like these . One day , he wished to send a magic ring to his daughter and who better to carry it to her than his faithful pets ? He sent the dog and the cat to take her the ring . He told the cat , The animals set out immediately . They travelled for some distance until they were near a wide and deep river . There was no bridge over this river or any boat to help them cross over easily . They had to swim across it . He himself set out on a world tour , looking for his fugitive pet . Whenever he came by any dog , he asked it " Are you my old toothless dog who lost my magic ring ? If you are , your tail must be cut off . " Immediately the dog showed its teeth and wagged its tails to mean no . This became a habit with every dog and it is also from that time that cats became afraid of water , and will never swim across a river if it can be avoided . The hen was scared for the eagle was so strong . Her husband , the cock had gone out to search for food and her kids had gone away somewhere to play with other children . She lived alone . The eagle replied : " I will bring nice feathers for you , and as a sign of our betrothal I will give you this ring . Keep it safely . Tie it around your neck until I return . " When the cock met the hen the next day , he was very much surprised and annoyed to see the ring around her neck . He said : " Where did you get that ring ? I don 't think you love me any more . You promised to be my mate just a few days ago . If you still want to keep your promise , throw that ring away immediately . " " Forgive me ! I lost it yesterday . I was walking in the garden when I met a large snake . I was so frightened that I ran back fast . But when I came back , I saw towards the house . When I reached it I found that I had lost the ring , and I looked everywhere for it ; but alas ! I have not yet found it . " The eagle looked keenly at the hen and said : " I don 't believe one word of what you have said . You have hurt me badly and have been unfaithful towards me for that cock . I will punish you for this . If you marry him , I will snatch away all your chickens from you . I promise to forgive you and accept you as my mate only if you find my ring . Good - bye . " " We are going to fight the waves . " replied the head of the crabs . " They sing so loudly all the time that we cannot sleep well at night . " " I don 't think you will win the battle , " said the shrimp . " The waves are so strong , and look at you . Your legs are so weak that your bodies bend almost to the ground when you walk . How can you hope to keep them down when you cannot even keep yourselves up ? " When their husbands did not come home even after a long time , the wives of the dead crabs thought that the battle must be a long one , and decided to go down and help their husbands . But as they reached the shore and entered the water to look for their husbands , the waves killed them too . Their children were left living alone . Even today , you can watch the fiddlers , as little crabs are now often called , rushing into the sea waters , as if about to fight the waves and running back to the land as they find the waves rushing on them , as if due to a lack of courage to combat . They continually run back and forth . They live neither on dry land , as their ancestors did , nor in the sea , like the other crabs , but up on the beach , where the waves wash over them at high tide and try to dash them to pieces . The Monkey And The Crocodile A monkey lived on a rose - apple tree by the side of a river . He lived alone . But was happy . The rose apple tree had plenty of fruit all the year round . There is nothing a monkey likes better than rose - apples . " Food ? I have plenty of rose - apples here . Try one . If you like it , I can give you as many as you want . " So saying the monkey plucked a few rose - apples and threw them down . The crocodile ate them and said , " I like them very much . This is the best fruit I have eaten in all my life . " The monkey threw down more rose - apples and the crocodile ate them all . The crocodile asked , " Can I come again ? Will you give me some more fruit ? " Next day the crocodile came back . The monkey was happy to see him and gave him more rose - apples to eat . The monkey and the crocodile became friends . Every day the crocodile visited the monkey . They spent much time together . They talked about everything they knew . One day they talked about their families and friends . The monkey said he was alone and was lucky to have a friend like a crocodile . The crocodile said he lived with his wife on the other side of the river . " You have a wife ? " said the monkey . " You did not tell me that before . I would have given you rose - apples for her also ' " The crocodile went home that day with the monkey 's gift . His wife liked the rose - apples very much . She wanted to have more of them and her husband said he would try to get her some every day The crocodile 's wife loved rose - apples , but she did not like her husband coming home late every day . " I feel you have been telling me a lie . How can you , a crocodile , spend so much time in the company of a monkey ? He is not our kind . We kill monkeys and eat them . " " I am telling you the truth , " said the crocodile . " This monkey is a friend of mine . He likes me and I like him . He lives on the rose - apple tree and I visit him every day . He gives me rose - apples to eat and even sends some for you . " ' If the monkey eats only these sweet rose - apples , ' thought the crocodile 's wife , ' his flesh must be sweet too . A most delicious dinner he would make if only I could get him here . ' Then she said aloud , " If you are really his friend , why don 't you invite him home one day ? I would very much like to meet him . " " But you are his friend , " said the crocodile 's wife . " You must invite him . A monkey is always clever . He is sure to find a way to come here . " The crocodile was not happy about inviting his friend home . With every passing day , his wife 's craving for the monkey 's flesh increased . She had to find a way to get at the monkey and she thought of a plan . One day she pretended to be very ill . She shed tears as though she was in great pain . . The crocodile was sad his wife was ill . He sat by her side and said , " What can I do to help " Then go and live with your friend . You don 't love your wife . You only love your friend . You want to see me dead . Then you can be with him always . " " You don 't love me , " said his wife . " I have decided to end my life . When you come back today , you will find me dead . " The crocodile began to think . As a husband it was his duty to look after his wife . He decided to save her life . So he went to the apple tree . " No accident , " said the crocodile . " My wife and I had a quarrel . She said I am not your friend . You have done so much for us , but I have not invited you home . Now she is eager to meet you and has asked me to take you home today . " " How sweet of her to ask me home , " said the monkey . " I , too , would like to meet her . But how can I get there ? You live in water and I would drown if I tried to go to your place . " " My wife is ill . And the doctor has said she must eat the heart of a monkey if she is to get well . You are the only monkey I know . I have to kill you and give her your heart . " What could he do ? He thought hard for a while and said , " My good friend , why didn 't you tell me before ? I would be most happy to give my heart to save your wife . But how can I do it now ? I keep my heart safe in a hole on the rose - apple tree . I have not brought it along . If you had told me what you wanted before we set out , I would have gladly given you my heart then and there . " The crocodile turned back and swam as fast as he could to the rose - apple tree . When they got there , the monkey jumped off and hurried up the tree . Perched safely on a high branch , he looked down at the crocodile and said , " Now you can go back alone to your wicked wife and tell her that her husband is the biggest fool in the world . " There was a holy sage called Shalankayan who lived in a certain hermitage . Once he went to have a bath in the river Ganga . While he was busy with his devotions , a she mouse happened to be seized by a sharp taloned hawk . Seeing this the sage was moved by compassion , and exclaiming ' let go ! ' threw a stone at the bird . The latter , stunned by the blow , fell to the ground , releasing its prey . The frightened she - mouse , not knowing what to do , fled to the sage 's feet , crying ' help ! help . ' The hawk , having regained its senses , then addressed the holy man : " O sage , you did not do well in striking me with the stone . Aren 't you afraid of transgressing Dharma ? So , hand over the she - mouse to me . Otherwise you will be committing a great sin . " " You wretched fool , " replied the sage sternly , " the life of all beings deserves protection . The wicked deserve protection . Holy men should be respected , just as spiritual teachers should be adored , and the gods praised . So , what is this nonsense you speak ? " The hawk said : " Sage , you do not understand Dharma . When all beings were created by Providence , their food was likewise created . Just as grain is ordained for you , mice and the like are for us . How can you fault me for wanting my designated diet ? " The hawk said : " Once there were three brother saints who practiced austerities on the banks of a river . Such was the power of their penances that the still wet garments , which they had laundered and put out to dry , were afraid to touch the ground and stood in the air without support while they bathed . One day , while this miracle was taking place , a she - frog was forcibly taken by a vulture . Seeing her seized , the eldest brother was moved by compassion and exclaimed : " Let go , Let go ! " Thereafter the dhoti washed by him fell to the ground . Seeing this , the second brother feared for his own garment , and cried : " Don 't let go , " whereupon his dhoti also fell down . Then , seeing what had happened to the other two , the third brother remained silent . " Hearing this , the sage laughed derisively and said : " O foolish bird , such was the Dharma in the golden age of Sat Yug . Then it was sinful to even talk to a sinner . The garments fell because of talking to a rogue , not because he was reproached wrongly . Now it is the age of Kal Yug . All are sinners . So what is the point of useless talk . Go , otherwise I will lay a curse on you . " When the hawk had gone , the she - mouse addressed the sage : " Lord , take me to your home . Otherwise some other wicked bird may kill me . I will spend my time in your home , on the handful of grain you give me . " The compassionate saint thought to himself : ' How can I carry this little mouse in my hand . Everyone will laugh . So I will turn her into a maid and take her home . ' Then he turned her into a little girl . When the sage 's wife saw him with a little girl , sha asked him from where he had got her . The sage told her the whole story and said , " Now you must protect her . Later , I will turn her back into a she - mouse . " " You must not do that , " said the wife . " According to Dharma , you are her father . You have given her a new life . Apart from that , I too have no child . So she will be my daughter . " Thus installed , the little girl grew into a beautiful girl . Attending on the sage and his wife , she soon crossed the threshold of youth and was fit to be married . The sage , in consultation with his wife , decided to find her a husband . " This is my daughter , " replied the sage . " Marry her if she chooses you . " Then , he showed the Sun God to her and asked : " Daughter , does this god , the light of the three world 's , please you ? " " Dear father , " she answered , " he is rather fiery . I don 't wasn 't him . Call someone who is more excellent . " Hearing her the sun god realized that she was a she - mouse , and wishing to go said , " Sir , greater than me is the cloud . Why don 't you summon him . " The cloud was summoned and the sage asked the daughter : " Does he please you . " The daughter replied , " he is black and wet . Ask me about someone greater . " The sage then called the wind and on being asked , " daughter , does this one seem better to you for marriage got the reply , " he is too empty and fickle , father . Get someone greater . " So the sage asked the wind who is greater than you and was told , " Greater than me is the mountain . Stopped by him I say stopped , even though I am strong . " And so the mountain was summoned . Then the sage said to the mountain : " O , king mountain , is there someone greater than you ? ' The mountain replied : " Greater than me are the mice who pierce my body at will . " Thereupon the sage called a mouse and showed him to her . " Little girl , do you thing the needful can be done with this king among mice ? " Then seeing him and knowing that he was of her own race , she was thrilled and said ; " Father , turn me into a she - mouse , and give me to him . With him I will be happy as he is of my race . " Perhaps you have sometimes wondered why the carabao does not drive off the egret with its large horns . Wise men who know about animals tell us that the egret stands on the carabao 's back to catch the flies which bite the carabao . The egret also eats frogs and insects that may be frightened out of the grass while the carabao is grazing . The carabao is rid of the insects , and the egret gets its food ; therefore both of them like the arrangement . Once , when the world was young , the carabao and the egret had a quarell . They spoke many angry words to each other but their quarell was not settled . At last the carabao said , " Let us settle our differences through a contest . Let us go down to the river and drink its water , each as much as he can . The winner will make the other his slave . " The egret thought about the matter for a moment . Then she said . " You have such a large stomach that it will be easy for you to win the contest . But I am willing to compete with you in this contest . " " Don 't be in too much of a hurry , " replied the egret . " We do not have judges yet . Let us wait till tomorrow . You ask the four footed animals to come and judge our contest and I shall invite the birds . " After they had parted , the egret flew behind the bamboo groves and hid in the tree beside the river . She sat watching the water for a long time . At last she flew away and asked the birds of the surrounding fields to come and judge the contest the following day . " Do not be too sure of that . " said the egret . She turned and said to the judges , " Honorable judges , which of us should drink first ? It was the carabao who suggested this contest . " Strangely enough , however , the more the carabao drank , the deeper the water became . No one but the egret knew that at this time , the tide was rising . The water from the sea coming in through the mouth of the river made the water in the stream deeper . So the longer the carabao drank , the higher went the tide . " She dipped her bill in the water and pretended to drink . Soon the judges could see that the water was becoming shallower . Not knowing the secret of the tides , they looked on in amazement . The carabao was alarmed when he saw that the water was getting lower every moment . When the tide was entirely out , the river became very shallow . The egret lifted her head and said , " Now , honorable judges , pronounce your judgement . " And that is why you often see the egret standing on the back of her slave , the carabao . As she rides on the carabao , her head is thrown back and her eyes are half closed . It is said , she thinks of the great drinking contest that she won long ago . The gift was brought in during a royal audience . The courtiers vied with each other in their admiration of the marvelous fruits . Trang Quynh was there , as he was an official too . He went up to the peaches , picked up one , carried it to his mouth and bit into it with relish . " Well , sire , seeing these peaches called longevity . I wanted to eat one , because I wanted to live as long as possible . But I hadn 't even eaten a quarter , when already death , without a word of warning , came and grasped me by the neck . This leads me to conclude that if Your Majesty commits the fatal mistake of eating all the remaining peaches , you can imagine what will happen . " Kabayan is a very famous character in west Javanese folk tales . He is known to be lazy , goes off to sleep at the drop of a hat , and this annoys his wife and her parents . However , he is also an honest , simple and funny man . Because of this he is loved by all . Kabayan is also clever and quick witted , and can solve any problem . One day , Kabayan sat on a chair brooding . The drink that his wife had placed before him had not been touched since morning . Kabayan 's wife was bewildered by his behavior . " Early in the morning you should be working in the rice fields like others . What are you brooding about ? You are really behaving strangely , " said his wife . " What should be troubling you , my husband ? Is it our poverty ? But aren 't we used to living a life of hardship ? " asked the wife . " I am not thinking about poverty . I am thinking about Wan Abukomar . Haven 't we borrowed seven thousand rupiahs from him and not paid him back ? Wan Abu has already come twice to ask for the money . He is to come again today . Last time he said , " If you cannot pay back the debt , I will take you to the court . " The mention of ' court ' frightened Kabayan 's wife . She felt like crying . " What is this , my husband ? You will be taken to court ? Oh , if you are punished what will become of me ? Oh , don 't go , please don 't . " " Don 't disturb me , wife . Let me think and find a solution . You hamper my thoughts by standing there . Go away . " Kabayan 's wife retreated to the kitchen while Kabayan continued to brood " Wife ! Wife ! Hurray ! I 've found the perfect way ! Yes , the perfect way ! You should rejoice and no longer worry . We can pay back the debt today , " said Kabayan . His wife obeyed , although she did not understand what was going on . After the glue had been spread all over his body including the head , Kabayan rolled on the capok filling which was scattered on the floor . Now Kabayan was completely covered with capok . Even his face . " Ah , good afternoon . Where is Kabayan ? I 've come for the third time this week to claim my money . This is the last day . If Kabayan cannot pay back his debt , I will take him to the court , " said Wan Abu . " Why am I not allowed to see it ? If the cage door is closed , there is no chance of the bird flying away . Come , show me the magic bird . I really wish to see it , " pleaded Wan Abu . But Wan Abukomar could wait no longer . He stepped outside . He started looking for the bird , to his left and right . As he passed the goat pen , Wan Abu was startled to see a strange creature . He hurriedly approached the pen and opened the gate . Kabayan , covered in capok , quickly ran out of the pen and disappeared . Kabayan 's wife suddenly started crying loudly and said , " Help ! Help ! The magic bird has escaped ! Oh , Kabayan 's bird has disappeared . What should I do now ? How could you do this , Wan Abu ? I told you not to see the bird , now it has escaped … . " " Oh , woe ! Disaster ! His Highness will surely be angry . But it does not matter . I will tell him that Wan Abu freed the bird , " said Kabayan 's wife , still crying loudly like a child . Wan Abu was scared at the mention of the king 's name . He said , " Please don 't tell the king that I left the bird out . Alright , I will apologise . I have done wrong by letting the bird out . To compensate for this , I will consider Kabayan 's debt already repaid . But please don 't tell the king that I let the bird loose , " pleaded Abukomar . " No . I will still tell the His Majesty , because he was so keen on buying the bird for ten thousand rupiahs . This is quite a high price , " said Kabayan 's wife . Wan Abu quickly answered , " Alright , alright . I will add another three thousand . Didn 't Kabayan owe me seven thousand ? It adds upto exactly ten thousand , the same price that His Highness was willing to pay for that magic bird . " " Husband , our debt is now settled . We have even made a profit of three thousand rupiahs from the deal , " said his wife happily . Kabayan laughed heartily . Once there was a great drought which lasted for many years . Because of it all the lakes , pools , brooks and springs became dry . Then all the elephants told Four Tusk , " Lord , our calves are almost dead with thirst . Some have already died . So , we must search for some water for them to drink and regain their health . " After thinking for long , Four Tusk said : " There is a deep pool in the middle of some land in a lonely place . Fed by the river Ganga , it is always full . Let us go there . " Around the pool there were countless rabbit warrens located in the soft earth . They were all damaged by the elephants , wandering here and there . Many rabbits were hurt . Some suffered broken heads , necks and limbs , some were killed and some were left barely alive . When the elephant herd had gone , the rabbits gathered quickly . They began to lament : " Alas ! We are lost . This elephant herd will come here everyday as there is no water elsewhere . So , all will be destroyed . " All the rabbits then became silent and started wagging their tails to think . At last one said : " Our king , the rabbit Vijay Dutta , lives in the moon . Let us send to the leader of the elephant herd , a make believe ambassador who will say that the moon king forbids your coming to this pool because his subjects live around it . Thus addressed , if he is convinced , he may go away . " " In that case , " said the others , " there is a rabbit called Long Ears . He is clever with words and knows diplomacy . Let us send him . " Thus appointed , Long Ears went to the elephants path and climbing to an inaccessible place , addressed the elephants : " O ye good creatures of the earth , why is it that you come so carelessly to the lake of the moon ? Entry here is forbidden . Go away . " The other replied : " I , the rabbit Vijaya Dutta , live in the lunar world . At present I have been sent as a messenger to you by the moon god . You know , sir , that no blame should be attached to the messenger in speaking the truth . All kings speak through envoys . " Then Four Tusk said : " O rabbit , then speak out the moon god 's message which must be quickly executed . " Long Ears replied : " Sir , many rabbits were killed by your coming here the other day with you herd . . Do you know , sir , they are my subjects ? So , if you are interested to live , then you must not come to this lake for whatever reasons . This is the message . " " Then show me your master , " said Four Tusk , " so that I may salute him before going elsewhere . " Then the rabbit took him to the lakeshore in the night , and showing him the moon 's reflection in the water said : " Behold , this is our master . He sits in deep meditation in the water . Salute him silently so that he is not disturbed , and then quickly go your way . For , if his meditation is disturbed , he will be very angry . " In a certain forest there was a great lake , a home for all types of aquatic creatures . A stork lived there but because of old age he was unable to catch fish . So he sat by the lakeshore , his throat parched with thirst and hunger , weeping and bemoaning . Moved by his sorrow , a crab approached him and said respectfully : " Uncle , you are not eating anything these days . Will you stay only with sighs and tearful eyes ? " " Child , " he replied , " you observe correctly . I have renounced the eating of fish and undertaken a fast unto death . So I do not eat even the fish which come near me . " Hearing this the crab asked : " Uncle , why this renunciation ? " The stork replied : " Child , I was born by this lake and grew up here . Now I have heard that a twelve year long drought is about to commence . " " From where did you get the news ? " asked the crab . " " From providence , " replied the stork . " If Saturn enters Rohini in the universe , then for twelve years it does not rain on this earth . And if Rohini stands on the moon , then people flee everywhere for water . " This lake has little water . Soon it will become dry . When that happens , all those with whom I grew up will be destroyed for want of water . Unable to bear their separation , I have gone on this fast to death . " Now some of the denizens of this lake will be taken by their friends to a bigger lake . Some will go by themselves . But I weep specially for those who stay carefree in this lake , for not one of them will be saved . " " Not far from this lake , " said the stork , " there is another , full of water and adorned with a mass of lotuses . It will not dry up even in drought for twenty four years . If someone mounts on my back , I will take him there . " Then all those trusting creatures , calling out " Father , " " Uncle , " " Brother , " " First I , " " First I , " started climbing over him . Then the wicked intentioned old stork began to take them one by one on his back . He would take them to a rock not far from the lake , and throwing them on it , would eat them according to his will and taste . He would return to the lake and keep the other creatures happy with false news and messages . Thus he ensured his livelihood . One day the crab said : " Uncle , it was with me that your first loving talk took place . Then why do you leave me and take the others ? " Hearing this , the villain thought : ' I am fed up of eating fish . Today I will have a change with this crab . ' Then he put him on his back and proceeded towards the killing rock . From far the crab saw a mound of bones on that rock . Realizing that they were fish bones , he asked the stork : How far is this lake , uncle ? Say , if you are not tired with the weight of carrying me ? " The foolish bird , thinking that no aquatic creature can do anything on the land , replied with a smile : " What lake , crab ? This is my livelihood . So please remember your favourite god . For I am going to eat you also , after throwing you on that rock . " Then he slowly dragged the stork 's neck to the lake . There all the lake creatures asked him , " O Crab , what have you done ? Now who will take us from here ? " The crab laughed and said : " All those foolish fish were cheated by this liar , and thrown on a rock not far from here and duly eaten . But my time was not yet up and I realized the intentions of this cheat . So I killed him and have brought his neck . Now none of you will be killed and all will be well for us aquatic creatures . " Once there was a festival at a temple in that city . There they saw a beautiful princess , mounted on a she elephant and accompanied by eunuchs and footmen . Seeing her the weaver suddenly fell to the ground , as if possessed , but actually struck by the darts of love . . Worried at his condition the chariot maker had him picked up by kinsmen and took him home . There , after much medications , prescribed by physicians and exorcists , the weaver revived somewhat . After much coaxing the weaver said : " My dear friend , I no longer wish to live . I am very unhappy . Prepare my funeral pyre . " On further questioning as to why he was unhappy the weaver said that he is deeply in love and since he cannot get near the beloved one , as she lives in the inner apartments of the highly guarded palace , he wishes to die . Hearing this the chariot maker heaved a sigh of relief and said : " Friend , I will arrange a rendezvous with her today itself . Now just see the power of my mind . " Saying this he immediately set about making from the varuna tree a clockwork Garuda eagle , together with a diadem , a mace and a divine jewel . Giving all these insignia of the god Vishnu to the weaver , and explaining the operations of the clockwork bird , he told him : " Comrade , you can go to the inner apartments at night in the guise of Vishnu . The princess will think you are Vishnu . Then enchanting her innocent heart with your fine falsehood , you may seek your happiness . " The weaver did so and said to her : " Princess ! Drawn by love for you . I have come here across the ocean , abandoning the goddess Laxmi . Come , lie with me . " Seeing him thus , mounted on the Garuda and sporting the divine weapons and jewel , she got up from the bed wonderstruck and said , " Lord , I am human , an impure insect . You are the purifier of the three worlds . How can this be proper . ? " " You speak truly , beautiful one , " he replied . " But in the beginning I had a wife named Radha , who was born in a human family . You are her incarnation . That is why I have come here . " The weaver said : " Beautiful one , I do not go in sight of human beings , what to say of talking to them . So give yourself to me of your own free will . If not , I will curse your father and all his line and reduce them to ashes . " Saying this , he descended from the eagle , and taking her by the left hand led her , shy , afraid and trembling , to the bed . Then for the rest of the night , he enjoyed her company . In the morning he went home without being seen . Much time passed with such regular meetings . Hearing this the king was greatly agitated . He shared this information with the queen who in a state of great agitation rushed to her daughter . Seeing the bite marks on her lips and nail scratches on her limbs , the queen exclaimed : " O you sinner and besmircher of family honour ! Why have you outraged your modesty ? Who plays with death to come to you ? Speak the truth before me . " Hearing this the queen was filled with happiness . She quickly went to the king and told him the good news . The king too was overjoyed . That night the king and queen watched in astonishment Vishnu , mounted on the eagle Garuda , and displaying the mace , discus and other known signs , descending from the sky . More time passed . Pressed by foes from all sides the king was now reduced to only one fortress . Still unaware that it was the weaver in the guise of Vishnu , the king sent to him as always all kinds of food and drink , together with rare perfumes like camphor and musk . With these he also conveyed to him through his daughter : " Lord , this fortress will definitely fall in the morning . With it all would be lost . Now please command whatever is appropriate in this situation . Hearing this the weaver pondered : ' If the fortress falls I too will be separated from this princess . So I will mount the Garuda with the weapons and show myself from the sky . Perhaps believing me to be Vishnu , the enemies will take fright and be slain by the king 's soldiers . ' Having made up his mind , he told her in the morning after cleaning his teeth : " Fair one , I will not lie with you in bed till I have destroyed the enemies . You should tell your father that he should go out with all his troops in the morning and announce the battle . I will station myself in the sky and make the enemies powerless . Then he can kill them at ease . If I kill them myself then these wretches may become eligible for heaven . Therefore , they should be so dealt with , that being killed while fleeing , they do not go to heaven . " Lord Vishnu , in all his wisdom , then said : " This weaver has set forth today for battle , determined to die . He will certainly get killed by the soldiers arrows . Then all the people will say ' many soldiers joined together and felled Vishnu and Garuda . ' These people will then worship us no longer . As such you should quickly energize the wooden Garuda . My discus will also enter into its replica . I myself will enter the weaver 's body , so that he can destroy the enemies . Their destruction will also increase our prestige . " Garuda having carried out his command , Lord Vishnu entered the weavers body whilst the latter was still in the sky . In a moment he rendered all the enemy soldiers powerless . They were all defeated and killed by the king and his army . And the people said : " With the help of his son in law Vishnu , the king has killed all his enemies . " So the whale swam and swam till he reached the man 's shore . But while the whale was swimming , the man , who indeed was a person of infinite resource and energy , used his jack - knife to cut the raft into a little square grating all running criss - cross , and tied it firmly around his waist . While coming out he dragged the grating into the whale 's throat where it got stuck ! From that day onwards with the grating in his throat , which the whale could neither cough out or push down , the whale , dear Iyra , only eats small fish . It doesn 't eat small boys , girls or men . Dadaji There once lived in the middle of the great Sahara desert a lazy Camel who did not want to work . Whenever anybody spoke to him he said ' Humph ! ' Just ' Humph ' and nothing more . The three worked double time for three days and at the end of it were very angry . They decided to complain to the Jinn ( a spirit of the Islamic mythology , formed of fire , which encircles the earth and assumes various shapes ) , whenever it visits the great Sahara desert . Presently the Jinn in charge of All Deserts , rolling in a cloud of dusk , came and the three complained of the Camel 's idleness . " Do you see that ? " said the Jinn . " That 's your very own humph that you have brought upon yourself for not working . Now go to Man and start working . " " That 's made on purpose , " said the Jinn , " all because you have missed three days of work . You will now be able to work for three days without eating anything because you can live on your humph . This is a punishment for your laziness . " Isn 't this a cute story Iyra ? So now you know why the African is black , why the elephant has a trunk , and why the Leopard has spots on his skin . And today you have come to know why the Camel has a hump . One day I will tell you a story of a Whale . Love Dadaji In the yonder times in Africa , the Leopard , the Giraffe and the Zebra along with various other animals lived not in forests but in an open , thinly - forested , hot , grass land . Their skins were sandy - yellow brownish and matched the colour of the land in which they lived . This was very bad for the Giraffe , the Zebra and the other animals because the Leopard would lie down beside a yellowish brown stone or clump of grass and surprise his prey whenever they came by . Now along with the Leopard there was another hunter , an African , whose skin was as fair as the skin of an Englishman or a European . He too hunted along with the Leopard . The difference was that the African hunted with bows and arrows whereas the Leopard did his job with teeth and claws . After a long time the Giraffe , the Zebra and the other animals realised that they were living in unfriendly terrain and moved away from this open grassland . They scuttled for weeks till they came to a great forest , full of trees and bushes . They made this their abode and what with the shadows of trees falling on them , the Giraffe grew blotchy , the Zebra stripy , and the other animals darker . They all started having a lovely time in this forest while the Leopard and the African became miserable with no prey and got reduced to eating rats , beetles and rabbits . . Unable to bear their hunger no longer , they approached their friend , the Baboon , to inquire where all their prey had vanished . So the two reached the thick forest but refused to change the colour of their bodies . This resulted in their not getting their food because they were easily distinguishable from their back ground . Wherever they went they were seen and their prey fled . Unable to take it any longer , the African decided to change the colour of his skin to a blackish - brownish colour so that he could hide , without being noticed , behind the trees . He did this by rubbing himself with a special blackish - brown herb which he found in the forest . This herb had the magical property of permanence i . e . it changed the colour permanently " I 'll help you , " said the African . Then the African put his five fingers close together ( there was plenty of black left on his new skin till then ) and pressed all over the Leopard , and wherever the five fingers touched they left little black marks , all close together . Sometimes the fingers slipped and the marks grew a little blurred " Now you look a beauty , " said the African . " You can now lie bare on the ground and look like a heap of pebbles or you can lie on a leafy branch and look like sunshine sifting through the leaves ; and you can lie right through the path and look like nothing in particular . Think of that and purr ! " On top of the cliff , lived a very special cow . She was known as " Gyani , " which meant " The Wise One . " The Wise One lived inside a cave , and sat at its mouth all day long . None of the other cows knew much about her , and nobody ever asked about her except one . " Nobody ever answers my questions , " thought Munmun . " I don 't want to play in the stream all day . I want to learn things . I want to know as much as The Wise One . I must talk to her . " Munmun spent a long time trying to figure out how to reach the top of the cliff and meet The Wise One . She watched the other cows swimming in the stream , she watched the calves playing with building blocks , and she watched the elder cows playing Shabdong ( Shabdong is similar to the human game of scrabble , but much harder . If a cow ever challenges you to a game of Shabdong , it is best to decline or you may get a headache ) . Munmun got started right away . She made her father stand at the base of the cliff . Then she made her mother climb up and stand on top of him . Then she made another cow climb up and stand on top of her . Then she made another cow climb up and stand on top of her . This continued until every cow in the Moomooland had climbed up ! Only Munmun remained at the bottom . Munmun slowly climbed the tower , cow after cow , until she reached the tippy - top . She was just high enough to touch the top of the cliff , but the tower had started to sway back and forth from the wind . As the tower moved to and fro , Munmun had no choice but to jump on top of the cliff ! Just as she did , the tower began to crumble and the cows fell on top of one another . Munmun had just made it . Munmun couldn 't believe it . One question ! She had so many questionsshe wanted answered , but she had to make her one question count . It had to be the most important question she could think of . What did she want to know more than anything in the world ? " An excellent question , " she said . " It is because they do not know the answer . But you were persistent in knowing the answers . So you came here . The first step is to be curious and the next step is pursuing your curiosity . . This is the first and second thing all cows must understand : Be curious and persist with your curiosity . Don 't give up . " I got tired of not getting any answers so I climbed up here by taking the help of other cows . They all helped me knowing fully well I am a nuisance and apest . Why ? , " askedMunmun . " Because they wanted to be rid of you . So you helped them devise a novel way of getting rid of you - by standing on the shoulders of each other . This is called innovation . This is the third step . Be innovative . . So you see you have reached me by your own efforts of curiosity , persistence and innovation . . Once upon a time , there lived a wood cutter and his wife who had three sons . The eldest two were strong and tall , and their mother and father were always telling them how handsome and clever they were . But the youngest son was just a bit simple in the head . He wasn 't very tall , and he wasn 't very strong , and his family thought he was good for nothing . They hardly ever called him by his real name , but instead they gave him a cruel nickname . They called him Dummy , because they said he was stupid . One day the eldest son wanted to go to the forest to cut wood . The mother praised him for being such a useful boy and before he set out , she gave him some of her best fruit cake for his lunch , and a bottle lemonade to wash it down . While the boy was walking through the forest , he met a little grey old man who said to him : And the little grey old man went away , but not without taking his revenge . He put a curse on the boy , so that when he started to cut a tree down , his axe slipped and went into his leg . The boy limped home to his mother who washed his wound and bandaged him . The next day , the second eldest son went out to the forest to cut wood . Before he set out , his mother praised him for being such a useful boy , but especially asked him to be careful with the axe , so as not to have a nasty accident like his brother . The boy promised not to be careless , and his mother gave him some of her best sponge cake for his lunch , and a bottle of lemonade to wash it down . It happened that as the boy was walking through the woods , he came across the same little gray old man . The man said to him , " Do please share your sponge cake and your lemonade with me , for I am so terribly weak with hunger and thirst . " And the boy said ; And the little grey old man went away , but not without taking his revenge . Not long after , when the boy was cutting down a tree , his axe flew out of his hand and hit him on the head . He crawled home to his mother who bandaged up his wound and asked him why he had not kept his promise to be more careful . " Since you have a good heart , and have shared what you have with me , I will give you a reward . You see that old tree over there . Cut it down with your axe and you will find something of value inside its hollow trunk . " And so the boy decided to run away from home . He put the golden goose under his arm and set out for the town . Then he went to the inn , intending to stay there . He stood at the bar and asked the innkeeper if he would accept a golden feather as payment for his board and lodgings . When the innkeeper , saw the golden goose , he readily agreed . But after the boy had gone to bed he said to his three daughters : After the clock struck midnight , she sneaked into the boy 's room , and saw that he was asleep with his arm around the golden goose . She crept up and tried to pluck a feather . But the feather wouldn 't budge , and when she tried to take her hand away , she found that she was stuck to it . She couldn 't move , and she couldn 't cry out for fear of waking the boy . She had to stay where she was , on her knees by the bed , with her hand on the feather . The boy and the goose slept soundly through all of this . In the morning the boy got up , paid his bill with a golden feather , and left with inn with the goose under his arm . The sisters had no choice but to follow on behind him . A pretty procession they made . Further up the road they met a Police Sergeant . The Bishop called out to him " Sergeant : Help me get free from this young woman 's shoulder . I 'm stuck to her and people are bound to start all kinds of gossip about it ! " ' What 's this town coming to ? " cried the Mayor . " The Bishop and the police sergeant following three young girls who are following a young boy , all holding on to each other in a most unseemly fashion . Have they gone mad ? " The boy led the little line of townspeople along up the road , and at the top of the hill they passed the King 's Palace . Now the King 's daughter was very beautiful , but she had the saddest face in the whole wide world . She had never laughed and not once even smiled . The king was so troubled by the young Princess 's unhappiness , that he had made a special law . Whosoever could make her laugh and smile would win her hand in marriage . As the boy known as Dummy went past the palace , he still held the golden goose under his arm , and he was followed by the innkeeper 's three daughters , the Bishop , the Police Sergeant , and the Mayor . The Princess looked out at saw the important people in their uniforms being tugged along behind three girls and a boy with a goose , and she thought that it was the first thing she had seen in her life that was truly funny . She burst out laughing and ran , still giggling , to her father to tell him all about what she had seen . When the King looked out of his window and saw the procession , he couldn 't help laughing himself . He sent for his guards and told them to bring the boy and his followers directly to him . When the boy entered the King 's chamber , with the followers behind him , the Mayor , the Bishop and the Policeman all called out angrily that he should pay for his crime with his head . The King , still laughing , said that on the contrary - he would be rewarded with the hand in marriage of his daughter the Princess . The days went by slowly , quietly , without any rain . The wells were starting to dry and the harvest was withering . The valley turned browner , drier , thirstier , every hot , baking day . The Crocodile raised its sleepy head . It got onto its front feet and sat like a dog . It stood up and stretched . It blinked and looked around with big , wide eyes . After the families had restored and rebuilt the village , which had been substantially destroyed by the surging waters , they erected a concrete monumentat the spot where the Crocodile used to lie . Every year to mark the occasion , they would bring garlands of flowers and leaves and arrange them in a big circle . The village school would be closed as it was known as ' Water Crocodile Day ' and wearing the Crocodile masks that they had been working on all week , the children would skip and clap and sing . Once upon a time there existed a magical land called * Swapnadesh . It had bright blue skies , tiny red birds that fluttered together in groups of six , and mountains which were covered with tall trees that smelled of honey . The ponds on Swapnadesh were home to white swans with pink tipped feathers . This special land was ruled by a kind and beautiful princess named Sujata . . Swapnadesh was a land of plenty with lots of wonderful food to share . Juicy grapes grew on vines , agreeable chicken lay eggs with a strawberry smell , pink and white cows gave orange flavoured milk and baker 's made sweetmeats for everyone . Lovely dogs of various breeds took charge of toasting wheat nut bread while bees covered it in sweet honey . Swapnadesh was a peaceful place until one day a dark blue bear came down from the mountains who had crossed over from a neighboring land . He didn 't want to dance by the moon 's light and he definitely did not want to share . His name was * Jhagralooand he was most quarrelsome . Jhagraloo gobbled up grapes and so frightened the chickens that they couldn 't lay eggs . He grabbed biscuits and stuffed every single one into his mouth , leaving crumbs all over the bakers ' kitchen . He gulped down large quantities of milk and splashed through the swan 's ponds . When the bees saw what Jhagraloowas doing , they kept all their honey and the dogss hid their nutty bread . Jhagraloo caused chaos everywhere . When the princess heard about Jhagraloo , she said , " Oh my . This will not do . " She came down from the castle and found Jhagraloo , who was busy raiding a honey pot . " Mr . Bear , " she said , " You are welcome in Swapnadesh but not your ways . " Startled , Jhagraloo stopped his pursuit of the pot and looked up at the Princess . She said " Here we give to others , not take from them . I would think you feel quite disagreeable now and not just because of all you 've eaten . Jhagraloothought about it for a moment and realized that was true . " Well , " he grumbled , " Maybe all that orange flavoured milk wasn 't the best idea . " The princess continued , " Mr . Bear , you can eat and eat but you won 't ever really feel good because that comes only from giving . I think you 'll find that it is better to be full in your heart , then in your stomach . " With that , she went back up to the castle leaving a dazed Jhagraloo behind . Jhagraloo continued with his greedy ways for awhile . However , no matter how much Jhagraloo would eat , he still felt empty inside . One day , after he 'd just taken a batch of biscuits from the baker ' skitchen he paused for a moment and remembered what the pretty princess said to him . He slowly turned around and then … gave them back . The baker was pleased and surprised and said , " Thank you , Mr . Bear , for your kindness . These biscuits will now taste twice as sweet because they were given to us by a friend . If you 'd like , come back tomorrow and we 'll have a batch fresh out for you . Jhagraloo was filled with joy and went through the land , giving back everything he 'd taken . In return , he received a promise from everyone to share their food with him and a pledge of friendship . The dark blue bear became very popular in Swapnadesh . He even opened up a side - business with dogs , making grilled cheese out of his cave . It tasted wonderful on their nutty bread . Jhagraloo was so delighted that he even started dancing in the moonlight , with the wise princess as his partner . ' Perhaps , if he were to be married he might sober down , ' she thought to herself . And she inquired among the neighbours what girls there were of an age to choose from . At length one was found , good and industrious , as well as pretty ; and as the young man raised no objections the wedding took place at once , and the bride and bridegroom went to live in the cottage with the old woman . But no change was to be seen in the husband 's conduct . All day long he was out amusing himself in the company of his former friends , and if his wife dared to say anything to him on his return home he beat her with his stick . And next year , when a baby was born to them , he beat it also . ' Do you mean to go on like this for ever ? Remember , you are no longer a boy , and it is time that you left off behaving like one . Come , shake off your bad habits , and work for your wife and child , and above all , stop beating them . If not I will transform you into an ass , and heavy loads shall be piled on your back , and men shall ride you . Briars shall be your food , a goad shall prick you , and in your turn you shall know how it feels to be beaten . ' ' Will you ? ' she answered grimly : and , swift as lightning she picked up a steel cane that stood in the corner and laid it across his shoulders . In an instant his ears had grown long and his face longer , his arms had become legs , and his body was covered with close grey hair . Truly , he was an ass ; and a very ugly one , too ! ' Ho ! my fine fellow , you are exactly what I was looking for ! You don 't seem to have a master , so come with me . I will find something for you to do . ' And taking him by the ear he led him from the cottage . For seven years the ass led a hard life , just as the old woman had foretold . But instead of remembering that he had brought all his suffering on himself , and being sorry for his evil ways , he grew harder , and more bitter . At the end of the seven years his ass skin wore out , and he became a man again , and one day returned to the cottage . ' I thought he would , ' replied the old woman , going on with her spinning . ' Well , we could have done very well without him . But as he is here I suppose he must come in . ' And come in he did . But as the old woman expected , he behaved still worse than before . For some weeks she allowed him to do what he liked ; then at last she said : ' So experience has taught you nothing ! After all , there are very few people who have sense to learn by it . But take care lest I change you into a wolf , to be a prey for dogs and men ! ' For seven years he led the life of a hunted animal , often cold and nearly always hungry , and never daring to allow himself a sound sleep . At the end of that time his wolf skin wore out also , and again he appeared at the cottage door . But the second seven years had taught him no more than the first - his conduct was worse than before ; and one day he beat his wife and son so brutally that they screamed to the old woman to come to their aid . She did , and brought the steel cane with her . In a second the ruffian had vanished , and a big black crow was flying about the room , crying ' Gour ! Gour ! ' One upon a time , there was a king who was sick . All the doctors in his kingdom and outside could not provide a remedy for his disease and he continued to suffer until he fell very ill . The best of the medicine men saw no hope for him and predicted that there was about a month or so for him to live . " I cannot say that . Her face is not very clear , but she is certainly not the queen . But I see you living with this woman in a healthy state . " Shortly after his death , a woman came to the palace and told the king 's mother that she could make him live again . She asked for permission to be admitted into the room where the king 's corpse had been kept . This was readily granted and while the queen , was busy superintending the preparations for burial , , this woman put her hand on the king 's head and uttered some magic words . Soon the king arose , but he had lost his memory . He embraced the woman tightly and spoke many sweet words to her . News soon spread across the land that the king had fallen in love with a woman and could not recognize his own wife , the queen . Meanwhile , the woman forced the queen to obey her and work as a slave in the kitchen , while she wore the queen 's robes and lay on the queen 's couch . The queen being a gentle woman by nature and due to her gratitude to the woman for reviving her husband , obeyed her orders without any protest and suffered silently . But the royal astrologer could not bear this . One day , as the woman forced the queen to mop the floors , he went to the king and told him about all that happened after his death . The king was at first disbelieving , but then he slowly began to remember it all . When his wife , the queen , was brought to him , he could finally recognize her as the real queen . Infuriated beyond words , he called for the woman who was his life - giver and said to her , A clump of hair smacked across Rajesh 's face . The wind even tried wrestling him to the ground . Instead of newspapers , it felt as if Rajesh 's news - bag was full of Punjab 's potatoes . Rajesh noticed Rakhi coming . She was in his class . She only had one real eye . The other was made of glass . He liked Rakhi even if people called her , " Kana ( one eyed ) , " behind her back . Each time Rajesh left a paper by a customer 's door he felt bad , such sad news . How could he make some good news ? He thought about it a lot , as he made his rounds . He continued on his route , still ten more customers to go . But , he didn 't feel tired . It was fun doing what he usually did , helping others . Mr . Mandal was such a grouch but Rajesh didn 't mind . He always had an unfriendly look . And Mr . Mandal 's lawn was all grown up , again . He cycled up the street to his last customer . Rajesh had quite a bit of energy left , as he bounded up the stairs . Mrs . Jerath saw him coming and had her usual tea waiting . Once upon a time the king of a far country was sitting on his throne , listening to the complaints of his people , and judging between them . That morning there had been fewer cases than usual to deal with , and the king was about to rise and go into his gardens , when a sudden stir was heard outside , and the lord high chamberlain entered , and inquired if his majesty would be graciously pleased to receive the ambassador of a powerful emperor who lived in the east , and was greatly feared by the neighbouring sovereigns . The king , who stood as much in dread of him as the rest , gave orders that the envoy should be admitted at once , and that a banquet should be prepared in his honour . Then he settled himself again on his throne , wondering what the envoy had to say . The envoy said nothing . He advanced to the throne where the king was awaiting him , and stooping down , traced on the floor with a rod which he held in his hand a black circle all round it . Then he sat down on a seat that was near , and took no further notice of anyone . The king and his courtiers were equally mystified and enraged at this strange behaviour , but the envoy sat as calm and still as an image , and it soon became plain that they would get no explanation from him . The ministers were hastily summoned to a council , but not one of them could throw any light upon the subject . This made the king more angry than ever , and he told them that unless before sunset they could find someone capable of solving the mystery he would hang them all . The king was , as the ministers knew , a man of his word ; and they quickly mapped out the city into districts , so that they might visit house by house , and question the occupants as to whether they could fathom the action of the ambassador . Most of them received no reply except a puzzled stare ; but , luckily , one of them was more observant than the rest , and on entering an empty cottage where a swing was swinging of itself , he began to think it might be worth while for him to see the owner . Opening a door leading into another room , he found a second swing , swinging gently like the first , and from the window he beheld a patch of corn , and a willow which moved perpetually without any wind , in order to frighten away the sparrows . Feeling more and more curious , he descended the stairs and found himself in a large light workshop in which was seated a weaver at his loom . But all the weaver did was to guide his threads , for the machine that he had invented to set in motion the swings and the willow pole made the loom work . When he saw the great wheel standing in the corner , and had guessed the use of it , the merchant heaved a sigh of relief . At any rate , if the weaver could not guess the riddle , he at least might put the minister on the right track . So without more ado he told the story of the circle , and ended by declaring that the person who could explain its meaning should be handsomely rewarded . In the hall the king still sat on his throne , and the envoy on his seat . Signing to the minister to remain where he was , the weaver advanced to the envoy , and placed the knuckle - bones on the floor beside him . For answer , the envoy took a handful of millet seed out of his pocket and scattered it round ; upon which the weaver set down the hen , who ate it up in a moment . At that the envoy rose without a word , and took his departure . ' The meaning , O king , ' replied the weaver , ' is this : The circle drawn by the envoy round your throne is the message of the emperor , and signifies , " If I send an army and surround your capital , will you lay down your arms ? " The knuckle - bones which I placed before him told him , " You are but children in comparison with us . Toys like these are the only playthings you are fit for . " The millet that he scattered was an emblem of the number of soldiers that his master can bring into the field ; but by the hen which ate up the seed he understood that one of our men could destroy a host of theirs . ' She ran to her mother and in a trembling voice and said , " Amma , my tooth is falling out . I brush it every day and still , why ? " Amma smiled at her and said , " Oh , my little one has become a big girl now ! It is only your milk tooth , Dipti . Milk teeth will fall out one by one and new strong ones will come in their place , my dear " . Dipti was horrified . What ? Her teeth will fall out one by one ! ? What a sight she will look then ? . Mother Hippo kept asking her again and again to wiggle it lose or the new one would come out crooked . But she refused to listen . Mother hippo was worried Dipti went to bed a very scared hippo . She had a very restless night , twisting and turning . Suddenly , in the middle of the night she sat up straight . She thought she of the cave . She had quite a few collection of things there . One lost shoe , a broken basket and a key were just among some of the things she found near the river bank " When the Tooth Fairy finds the milk tooth , she takes it to a faraway land called Milky Land . All the milk teeth collected from children around the world are brought here where we have the Milky River . All the teeth jump into it , splash around and have fun till they are spotless and white again ! A few days later they are taken back to the children and planted in the same spot in the mouth as a new tooth . " " Well , you see when the child doesn 't pull out a tooth in time , the Tooth Fairy plants another tooth beside it . The new tooth grows and pushes the milk tooth giving the mouth a rather crooked smile and very soon the child is taken to a doctor to get the milk tooth removed . And when that happens the tooth is lost forever and it can never go to Milky Land ! " said the tooth and began crying all over again louder and louder ! ! " Alright , alright , I understand " , said Dipti . " But are you sure ? " . " Of course I am sure . If you don 't believe me see for yourself . There is the new tooth right beside me , " said the tooth indignantly . Dipti looked inside her mouth closely and sure enough there was a new tooth right next to it . It was just a white little spot . " Hmm … . Alright then . I will pull you out . But you better come out fast because I am scared " . The tooth nodded happily . Dipti closed her eyes and nervously tugged at it . And out it came ! It was so easy and it hardly hurt her at all . She felt very proud of herself for doing it all by herself . " But what will happen to you ? " she asked . " Are you lost forever now ? " " No , no I can stay in Milky Land forever thanks to you " , said the Milk Tooth as Dipti placed her gently under the pillow . And Dipti went to sleep yawning , for she was very tired after this little night adventure . Wasn 't it brave of Dipti to help out the tooth even though she was scared ? I am sure the Tooth Fairy will be leaving a nice amount of money for her under the pillow for being such a brave little girl . Did you pull out your first tooth on your own too ? That night when he was alone in his room , there appeared a lovely lady . She wore a robe as white as snow , and a wreath of white roses on her head . She addressed him thus : " I promised your father to be your friend , " she told him ; " here is a little gold ring , take care of it , for it is worth more than diamonds . Every time that you are about to do any wrong action it will prick you . If , in spite of the pricks , you continue your bad actions , you will lose my friendship and I shall become your enemy . " Amongst those at the Royal Court was a Councillor named Harshvardhan , a man of a noble mind , who had often dared to tell the Prince of his faults . In his heart of hearts the Prince respected this good man . The wicked flatterers at court disliked him all the more for his honesty . " I promised your father , " said she in a stern voice , " to give you good advice , and to punish you if you refused to follow it . You have despised my counsels and your crimes have converted you into a monster , the horror of heaven and earth . Now it is time to fulfil my promise of punishment . I condemn you to take the resemblance of the beasts you are like in your character - a lion , because of your fury - a wolf , on account of your greediness - a serpent , for destroying him who has been your second father - a bull , by reason of your brutality . " He had a lion 's head , a bull 's horns , the feet of a wolf , and the tail of a viper . At the same moment he found himself in a forest , and there , after roaming about miserably for some time , he fell into a pit dug by hunters . He was captured and led into the capital of his Kingdom . On the way to the city , instead of acknowledging that he had brought this evil plight upon himself , he bit at his chains , and cursed the Fairy . As he was nearing the city great rejoicings were seen on every side , and , when the hunters enquired the reason , they were told that Prince Raman , whose only pleasure it was to torment his people , had been crushed to death in his chamber by a thunder - bolt , a just punishment for his offences . Four of his wicked companions had tried to partition the Kingdom between them , but the people would have none such to rule , and they had offered the crown to the good and wise Harshvardhan . " I accept the throne , " said Harshvardhan , " but it is to preserve it for Prince Raman . A fairy has revealed to me that he is not dead , and possibly will return to you as virtuous as in his earliest years . Alas ! " cried Harshvardhan , bursting into tears , " his flatterers have ruined him , I know that at heart he is good . " Raman was kept in a cage at the zoo . He lived quietly and did not growl at his keeper or at the visitors . If children wanted a better look at him , he would wake up from his slumber and prowl around the cage . But the animals did not have enough to eat at the zoo , and many of them were unhappy . One day , when a tiger jumped over the walls of his den , Raman too leapt into action . For several days he flew around hoping to catch sight of his long lost princess Prerna , and at last , seated by a hermit , outside a cave , he found her . Fluttering down he alighted upon her shoulder . Prerna stroked his feathers whispering kind words . The Lazy Rajesh Once upon a time there was a boy whose name was Rajesh , and he lived with his mother in a dreary cottage . They were very poor , and the mother earned a few rupees by tailoring but Rajesh was so lazy that he would do nothing except bask in the sun in the cold weather , and sit under the shade of a tree in hot weather . His mother could not make him do anything until at last she warned him that if he did not begin to work for his food , she would turn him out of the house to get his living as best he could . The next day Rajesh went out again and found a job as a a cowkeeper of a farmer . The farmer gave him a jar of milk for his day 's work . Rajesh took the jar and put it into the pocket of his trousers spilling it all , long before he got home . The following day Rajesh found a job with another farmer , who agreed to give him curd for his work . In the evening , Rajesh took the curd and went home with it on his head . By the time he got home the curd was completely spoiled , part of it being lost , and part matted with his hair . This time his mother completely lost her patience with him , for the next day was Sunday . . " You nincompoop , " she said to her son , " you should have carried it on your shoulder . " " Next time I will , " replied Rajesh . On the Monday , Rajesh went out once more , and found a job with a man who transported goods on his donkeys for a fees . This man gave him a donkey for his trouble . Although Rajesh was very strong , he found some difficulty in hoisting the donkey on his shoulders , but at last he managed it , and began walking slowly home with his prize . Many tried without success and at last her father , in despair , said he would offer her in marriage to the first man who could make her laugh . This young lady happened to be looking out of the window when Rajesh was passing with the donkey on his shoulders , with the legs sticking up in the air . This sight was so comical and strange that she burst out into a great fit of laughter , and immediately recovered her speech and hearing . Her father was overjoyed and kept his promise by marrying her to Rajesh , who was thus became a rich man . The Enchanted Ring Long long ago there lived an old king who was very sad . And why should he not be so ? He had been suffering from a painful disease for a long time . Not even the best doctors in his kingdom or in other countries could find a cure for it . The disease weakened the king and pained him so much that he went so far as to declare that he would marry off his daughter to whoever could cure him of his illness . " Good lord , I heard that you have long been a patient of some seemingly incurable disease . My body has some gall whose curative powers are wonderful . It so happens that nobody dies out of my sting , but rather has his or her health improved due to the beneficient powers of my venom . I would advice you try it and see . " The king and his courtiers were hesitant at first . But the snake talking in a human voice was itself a miraculous thing and the agony of his illness proved too strong for fears of the the king . After some thought , he allowed the snake to bite him . The snake bit the king and the monarch fell as if dead . A cry went out from all present in the court but the snake shouted , And truly did the king recover . Soon the great monarch stood upright . His illness was gone and he thanked the snake a million times for his favour . As promised , he got the snake married to his youngest daughter , Maria . Maria was very sad when she learnt that she was being married off to a snake . But on the night after her marriage , she was overjoyed to see a handsome prince sitting in her bed . The snake was no ordinary serpent . He was actually Don Juan , a prince who had been changed into this form by an enchantment . However , he was allowed to regain his human form only at night . The life of snake and the monotonous days in the royal household seemed to stifle Don Juan . A few days after marriage , he requested Maria to allow him to go for a walk around the city . Maria kept his request and he secretly continued his nocturnal adventures more than once . But the other daughters of the king came to know about the ' stranger ' in Maria 's room and one night , when the prince was away as usual , they questioned Maria about the secret of the man who could be spotted only at night in the royal household . As instructed by Don Juan , Maria kept mum about her husband 's secret till her sisters tied her to a tree that contained the nest of red ants . The ants bit Maria all over till she could endure no longer and told her sisters about the truth of Don Juan . Satisfied , the sisters let him go . But on that day , the prince did not return before daybreak , as was his custom . From that day , he was nowhere to be seen and nowhere to be found . While the king 's men looked everywhere for the snake , Maria looked all around for her prince . She asked the birds and she asked the trees . She asked the bees and she asked the ants . She asked the flowers and she asked the clouds . But none could tell her of Don Juan . Tired and gloomy , she slept under a tree which was barren of leaves , except for three large ones at the very top . Soon she fell fast asleep under it . " You can save him , if you follow my orders " said the woman . " You must live as my servant and you will not be allowed to live with your husband . But you may serve him whenever you need . He will not recognize you , for I am going to cast a spell on you and change you into an ugly woman . " " I love the prince and I am going to make him my husband . I am a sorceress and I have broken the spell that he was under . That makes him live as a human for all times . I have also made him forget about his past life , including you . But I could not find a way to cure his recent illness . If you are prepared to obey me , I will save him . " " I will now turn you into an ugly girl . But I am also giving you this enchanted ring . Whenever you wear it , you will regain your beauty . But do not wear it before Don Juan and never dare to tell him about yourself or this ring , or I will kill both of you . " The woman took the leaves to the prince and fed those to him . In no time did the prince regain his health . He had forgotten Maria and was ready to accept the sorceress as his wife for her immense assistance in curing him . The woman was overjoyed and Maria , who had been turned into an ugly lady shed her tears secretly . She served Don Juan everyday without telling him of herself . But love goes beyond external beauty and the inner purity and loveliness of Maria drew Don Juan to her . He found himself attracted to this ugly lady and often sympathised with her . This earned Maria the wrath of the black woman . Just a few nights before his marriage , Don Juan was taking a walk through the palatial house he was staying in . Suddenly , he heard a sweet music . He followed the sound and found it coming from the direction of Maria 's room . The prince hesitated and then peeped through the keyhole of Maria 's room . The prince was greatly astonished when he saw the ugly Maria being transformed into a beautiful woman . He began to remember who he was and that Maria was his wife . But he was horrified to see Maria throwing up a pair of scissors into the air . The scissors did not fall but remained suspended , as if waiting for orders to pierce Maria 's heart upon given the signal . It was indeed supposed to be the last night of her life , for the angry black woman had asked to end her life that very night and clear her way of marrying Don Juan . Then Maria told him all that had happened to her . Together , they escaped from the house and went back to the prince 's own kingdom . The king was delighted to have his son back . Upon his orders , the black woman was put to death . Maria 's father was informed of the happy events . Don Juan and Maria lived happily ever after . Once there were a king and queen who had two sons . The older of the two was a very short and ugly man with only one eye , and that was in the middle of his forehead . His brother was tall and handsome and carried himself like a prince . Then she said to her husband , " After supper you must sit with your brother on the balcony overlooking the river . I will change him into a fish and then you can throw him into the water . In this way we shall hear no more of him . " Srikant agreed to this , and after supper invited his brother to sit with him on the balcony . Then Kekai went up on the roof of the palace and threw down some powder on the younger Prince 's head . Just as soon as she did this , the Prince was changed into a little fish , and his brother picked him up and threw him into the river . So the servant begged for the little fish . " I will take it to the Queen 's room , " she said . " She has no children and is sometimes very dull . This little fish may amuse her . " The Queen was very much pleased with the pretty little fish and became very fond of him . When he grew to be too large for the bowl , she had another one prepared for him , and fed him boiled rice twice every day . " He is such a dear , " she said , " that he shall be called Machli - Rajah , the Fish Prince . " " Certainly not , " replied the Fish Prince . " All I want is to have a nice little wife and live right here . " The answer astonished the Queen , but then she did not know that he was a fish only in appearance . " All right , " she said . " I will find you a wife at once , and have a room built in the tank for her . " She had the room built at once , but it was not an easy matter to find a wife for the Fish Prince ! " She gets more than she deserves , " cried the stepmother angrily . " Much more than she deserves . You can take her and are welcome . We shall be well rid of her , and it would be good for all of us . " " Tell me who is this friend , " said the messenger . " The Queen said we were to lose no time . " And the girl replied , " It is a parrot whom I have known ever since I was a little child . " " I know all about it , " he said . " Don 't cry . Pick up those three pebbles , lying next to the tree and put them in your dress . When you see the Machli - Rajah coming , throw the first at him . If it hits him he will sink to the bottom of the tank . " Then the parrot went on . " When he rises to the surface , hit him with the second , and the same thing will happen . Throw the third pebble at him , and he will change from a fish into a handsome young prince . " Long long ago , there was a woman who was very sad . For she was not pretty and her husband did not like to look at her . How she wished that she were beautiful ! One day , her husband met another woman who was very pretty . This woman adviced him to leave his first wife and marry her instead . So he did and left his home , leaving his first wife alone . The poor women cried every day . She wondered what she had done that destiny was meting out such a cruel treatment to her . Nothing could bring joy to her . She yearned to hear his husband 's footsteps again but knew that he had left her for ever . The lovely woman touched the face of the wife with her hands and said , " That is so bad . But go home dear . Everything will be alright . I must go too " . The sad wife went back home , little knowing that the woman she had just met was a witch . She finished her daily chores and was about to sleep when she was startled to find a very beautiful woman standing in her room , staring at her . Soon she realized that she was standing before the mirror , staring at her own face that had magically changed into a countenance that could well be described as the prettiest in town . Soon the bad husband came to the house . And how he was surprised to find that her plain wife was now a pretty woman , living alone by herself . He tried to persuade her into accepting him back into her life . But she would not listen " Now I understand that this miracle has happened only to bring me back to my senses . Even if you were your plain self , I would have wanted to come back to you . I promise that I will never make such a mistake again " . When the other woman heard about all this , she became very angry . She had also heard about the transformation of the plain wife and how she was changed by a witch . All plain women of the town had already started to visit that well in the hope of meeting the witch some day in their lives . This woman went there too , for she hoped that the witch would make her even more beautiful than her husband 's first wife . She determined to try what the witch could do for her , and went to get water at the same well . Once she reached there , she kept her pitcher by her side and began to cry loudly . But the witch knew what was in her mind . While she made herself visible only to poor souls , she made an exception this time . She appeared before the woman and asked : " Why are you weeping , my good woman ? " But what was this ? Gone was all her beauty . Was this her own face ? Her nose was about two feet long , her ears looked like large handkerchiefs , and her eyes were as big as saucers . Frightened , she ran back to her mother . But not even her own mother could recognize her . In fact , whoever saw her became afraid of such a creature . When she understood how ugly she was , she refused to eat , and in a few days she died . I am sitting in my backyard on a sunny early spring afternoon . My blue spiral notebook is on my lap and a magic pen is in my hand . The pen doesn 't look that special if you see it in my bag or on my desk , just a black gelstick pen with a cap . The magic begins when I touch it to paper . Two fussy blue jays chase each other overhead . " Are they mad at each other or just playing ? " My pen writes the question before I have time to think of it . A squirrel buries a pecan in the next door neighbor 's yard , his bushy tail twitching as he digs . " How will he remember where he hid it ? " my pen asks . I really don 't know . Oh , and there are six fluffy dandelion seed balls lined up against the side of my house . " You can make a wish , you know . What will you wish for ? " my pen asks . I stop writing for a moment to think of all the possibilities . A yellow and black butterfly the size of my hand flits by . My pen records its brief appearance . A gentle breeze stirs the air around me and my pen takes note . I hear children playing down the street , and my pen scribbles the sounds across the page . Boats were dropping lobster traps , also called ' pots . ' Mutthu was fascinated the first time he saw a model of one . It looked like a small barrel cut in half . Waiting for an answer took a lot of patience . Minutes and hours tumbled into days . It left Mutthu time to think of other things . Like , Amma ( mother ) working at grandpa 's general store while father was working in Dubai . Why was Grandpa 's health not so good ? . It had large windows on four sides . Each morning the sunrise was bright as an egg yolk . On the western side of the cabin evening sunsets completed the day . . " Wow ! " Mutthu said as they walked beside the beautiful coconut trees next to the green rice fields . The smell from the paddy fields was exhilerating . It wasn 't anything like the rocky shore near grandpa 's house . . . After visiting a bakery to buy bread Mutthu became restless . " Can we go soon , amma ? " he asked . He needed to return to his lookout by the ocean . What if his bottle simply travelled in circles in the middle of the ocean ? Or , some boy already found the bottle and didn 't want to be his friend ? His mind battled various thoughts . . Grandpa was waiting in front of his house . " Mutthu ! Here 's his telephone number ! " Shouting turned to a whisper as he leaned closer . " Someone found your bottle . " Mutthu 's mouth opened wide and his eyes almost leaped from his head . " My bottle ? Someone found it ? " He turned to his mother . " That 's why you didn 't tell me . " His new friend Ramesh lived only two miles away . Both boys spent much time talking on the phone . After all , new friends had to get to know each other . Ramesh said how excited he was to find the bottle , and the note . He was Tamilian ( from Tamil Nadu ) but also spoke English . And he wanted Mutthu for a friend . There was once a child , and he strolled about a good deal , and thought of a number of things . He had a sister , who was a child too , and his constant companion . These two used to wonder all day long . They wondered at the beauty of the flowers ; they wondered at the height and blueness of the sky ; they wondered at the depth of the bright water ; they wondered at the goodness and the power of God who made the lovely world . They used to say to one another , sometimes , supposing all the children upon earth were to die , would the flowers , and the water , and the sky be sorry ? They believed they would be sorry . For , said they , the buds are the children of the flowers , and the little playful streams that gambol down the hill - sides are the children of the water ; and the smallest bright specks playing at hide and seek in the sky all night , must surely be the children of the stars ; and they would all be grieved to see their playmates , the children of men , no more . There was one clear shining star that used to come out in the sky before the rest , near the church spire , above the graves . It was larger and more beautiful , they thought , than all the others , and every night they watched for it , standing hand in hand at a window . Whoever saw it first cried out , " I see the star ! " And often they cried out both together , knowing so well when it would rise , and where . So they grew to be such friends with it , that , before lying down in their beds , they always looked out once again , to bid it good - night ; and when they were turning round to sleep , they used to say , " God bless the star ! " As the child beheld his brother 's angel in her arms , he cried , " O , sister , I am here ! Take me ! " And she turned and smiled upon him , and the star was shining . A mighty cry of joy went forth through all the star , because the mother was reunited to her two children . And he stretched out his arms and cried , " O , mother , sister , and brother , I am here ! Take me ! " And they answered him , " Not yet , " and the star was shining . And he said , " I am . My age is falling from me like a garment , and I move towards the star as a child . And O , my Father , now I thank Thee that it has so often opened , to receive those dear ones who await me ! " Once there was a rich businessman . His business was expanding every day and he had to travel to distant places . He felt the need for a good , strong horse . He went to several marketplaces where horses were sold . But he did not like any horse that he saw . People advised , " If you want a really good horse , you should go in for a bhutua . It can cover in one day the distance for which an ordinary horse would take seven days . " The businessman set his heart on getting a bhutua horse . He went to the biggest horse market . As he was looking around , a trickster sighted him and knew immediately that he would be an easy and good catch . The man , who was selling pumpkins , waited for the rich man to pass by . As he approached his stall , he asked him , " Sir , what are you looking for ? I have been watching you going round and round . Maybe I can be of help ? " " You have come to the right place , sir . A bhutua horse will cost you the earth if you get one at all , which is highly unlikely . I have bhutua eggs . Buy one . It will hatch soon and you will get a beautiful strong colt . " As he counted the silver coins , the young trickster cautioned him , " Please carry the egg on your shoulders . If you ever put it down the colt will escape and run away . Good luck with your horse , sir . " He set the pumpkin down under a banyan tree and leaned against the trunk of the tree , wiped the sweat of his face and body and closed his eyes to rest . Just then a fox came running by . It saw the pumpkin and , perhaps out of curiosity , hit it hard . The pumpkin broke open . Frightened , the fox ran . All the hustle and the sound of the dry leaves as the fox ran made the man open his eyes . He was amazed to see the animal running . He ran after it , presuming that it was the colt which had come out of the broken egg . He ran after it , saying , " If it can run that fast soon after birth , I can 't imagine how it will gallop when it grows up . " Now it so happened that a tiger was in that haystack too . The stick hit the tiger . It came out and ran . The man was even more surprised . He thought , " How could the colt grow that much within minutes ? " He was immensely pleased with his buy . He was sure the horse would be his most prized possession . Now all that he had to do was to run after the animal and catch it . At last the tiger slowed down , as it was very tired . The man caught up with it and mounted its back . He patted the tiger on the back and said , " No more hanky - panky , son . Take me home fast like a good boy . " Carrying the man on his back , the tiger ran . The night was over . It was dawn . The eastern sky was a brilliant red as the sun rose like a gold disc . What the man saw now in the daylight almost killed him with a shock . He was actually riding a tiger . But the tiger continued to run . The man , now desperate to save his life somehow , jumped and held on to a low branch of a tree . The animal , unaware of this , continued to run . There was once a family of pigs . The mother pig was very poor , and so she sent her three little pigs out to seek their fortunes . The first that went off met a man with a bundle of straw , and said to him : " At three , " said the wolf . So the little pig went off before the time as usual , and got to the fair , and bought a butter - churn , which he was going home with , when he saw the wolf coming . Then he could not tell what to do . So he got into the churn to hide , and by so doing turned it round , and it rolled down the hill with the pig in it , which frightened the wolf so much , that he ran home without going to the fair . He went to the little pig 's house , and told him how frightened he had been by a great round thing which came down the hill past him . Then the little pig said : |
Then he said to his beloved , " I must now go and leave you . I give you a ring to remember me by . As soon as I am king , I will return and take you home with me . " After this she took leave of her father , and rode away with them . They rode to the court of her former fiancé , whom she loved so dearly . There she asked if he needed any huntsmen , and if he would take all of them into his service . The king looked at her without recognizing her . Because they were such good - looking fellows , he said , yes , that he would willingly take them , and then they were the king 's twelve huntsmen . " Oh , just have some peas scattered in your antechamber , " answered the lion , " and then you shall soon see . Men have a firm step , and when they walk over the peas , none of them will be moved . On the other hand , girls trip and skip and shuffle their feet , rolling the peas about . " The lion said , " They knew that were going to be put to a test , and acted like they were strong . Just have twelve spinning wheels brought into the antechamber . They will go up to them and admire them . No man would do that . " The twelve huntsmen always accompanied the king hunting , and the longer he knew them , the better he liked them . Now it happened that once when they were out hunting , news came that the king 's bride was approaching . When the true bride heard this , it hurt her so much that it almost broke her heart , and she fainted and fell to the ground . Thinking that something had happened to his dear huntsman , the king ran up to him in order to help him . Pulling the huntsman 's glove off , he saw the ring that he had given to his first fiancée , and when he looked into her face , he recognized her . Then his heart was so touched that he kissed her , and when she opened her eyes he said , " You are mine , and I am yours , and no one in the world can change that . " There was once a King who was so ill that it was thought impossible his life could be saved . He had three sons , and they were all in great distress on his account , and they went into the castle gardens and wept at the thought that he must die . An old man came up to them and asked the cause of their grief . They told him that their father was dying , and nothing could save him . " As you have spoken pleasantly to me , and not been haughty like your false brothers , I will help you and tell you how to find the Water of Life . It flows from a fountain in the courtyard of an enchanted castle ; but you will never get in unless I give you an iron rod and two loaves of bread . With the rod strike three times on the iron gate of the castle , and it will spring open . Inside you will find two Lions with wide - open jaws , but if you throw a loaf to each they will be quiet . Then you must make haste to fetch the Water of Life before it strikes twelve , or the gates of the castle will close and you will be shut in . " The Prince thanked him , took the rod and the loaves , and set off . When he reached the castle all was just as the Dwarf had said . At the third knock the gate flew open , and when he had pacified the Lions with the loaves , he walked into the castle . In the great hall he found several enchanted Princes , and he took the rings from their fingers . He also took a sword and a loaf , which were lying by them . On passing into the next room he found a beautiful Maiden , who rejoiced at his coming . She embraced him , and said that he had saved her , and should have the whole of her kingdom ; and if he would come back in a year she would marry him . She also told him where to find the fountain with the enchanted water ; but , she said , he must make haste to get out of the castle before the clock struck twelve . Then he went on , and came to a room where there was a beautiful bed freshly made , and as he was very tired he thought he would take a little rest ; so he lay down and fell asleep . When he woke it was striking a quarter to twelve . He sprang up in a fright , and ran to the fountain , and took some of the water in a cup which was lying near , and then hurried away . The clock struck just as he reached the iron gate , and it banged so quickly that it took off a bit of his heel . He was rejoiced at having got some of the Water of Life , and hastened on his homeward journey . He again passed the Dwarf , who said , when he saw the sword and the loaf , " Those things will be of much service to you . You will be able to strike down whole armies with the sword , and the loaf will never come to an end . " The Prince went to him and gave him the loaf , and with it he fed and satisfied his whole kingdom . The Prince also gave him his sword , and he smote the whole army of his enemies with it , and then he was able to live in peace and quiet . Then the Prince took back his sword and his loaf , and the three brothers rode on . But they had to pass through two more countries where war and famine were raging , and each time the Prince gave his sword and his loaf to the King , and in this way he saved three kingdoms . As soon as they got home the youngest Prince took his goblet to the King , so that he might drink of the water which was to make him well ; but after drinking only a few drops of the sea water he became more ill than ever . As he was bewailing himself , his two elder sons came to him and accused the youngest of trying to poison him , and said that they had the real Water of Life , and gave him some . No sooner had he drunk it than he felt better , and he soon became as strong and well as he had been in his youth . Then the two went to their youngest brother , and mocked him , saying , " It was you who found the Water of Life ; you had all the trouble , while we have the reward . You should have been wiser , and kept your eyes open ; we stole it from you while you were asleep on the ship . When the end of the year comes , one of us will go and bring away the beautiful Princess . But don 't dare to betray us . Our father will certainly not believe you , and if you say a single word you will lose your life ; your only chance is to keep silence . " When the year had almost passed , the eldest Prince thought that he would hurry to the Princess , and by giving himself out as her deliverer would gain a wife and a kingdom as well . So he rode away , and when he saw the beautiful golden road he thought it would be a thousand pities to ride upon it ; so he turned aside , and rode to the right of it . But when he reached the gate the people told him that he was not the true bridegroom , and he had to go away . When the year had quite come to an end , the third Prince came out of the wood to ride to his beloved , and through her to forget all his past sorrows . So on he went , thinking only of her , and wishing to be with her ; and he never even saw the golden road . His horse cantered right along the middle of it , and when he reached the gate it was flung open and the Princess received him joyfully , and called him her Deliverer , and the Lord of her Kingdom . Their marriage was celebrated without delay , and with much rejoicing . When it was over , she told him that his father had called him back and forgiven him . So he went to him and told him everything ; how his brothers had deceived him , and how they had forced him to keep silence . The old King wanted to punish them , but they had taken a ship and sailed away over the sea , and they never came back as long as they lived . At last down went the line to the bottom of the water , and when he drew it up , he found a great flounder on the hook . And the flounder said to him , " Fisherman , listen to me ; let me go - I am not a real fish but an enchanted prince . What good shall I be to you if you land me ? I shall not taste well ; so put me back into the water again , and let me swim away . " With that he went in with her , and in the castle was a great hall with a marble pavement , and there were a great many servants who led them through large doors , and the passages were decked with tapestry , and the rooms with golden chairs and tables and crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling , and all the rooms had carpets . And the tables were covered with eatables and the best wine for any one who wanted them . And at the back of the house was a great stable - yard for horses and cattle , and carriages of the finest ; besides , there was a splendid large garden with the most beautiful flowers and fine fruit trees , and a pleasance full half a mile long , with deer and oxen and sheep , and everything that heart could wish for . The next morning the wife was awake first , just at the break of day , and she looked out and saw from her bed the beautiful country lying all round . The man took no notice of it , so she poked him in the side with her elbow , and said , " Husband , get up and just look out of the window . Look , just think if we could be king over all this country . Just go to your fish and tell him we should like to be king . " " Now , look here , " said the wife , " I am king , and you are only my husband , so will you go at once ? Go along ! For if he was able to make me king , he is able to make me emperor , and I will and must be emperor , so go along ! " And so off he went as well as he could for fright . And a dreadful storm arose , so that he could hardly keep his feet , and the houses and trees were blown down , and the mountains trembled , and rocks fell in the sea ; the sky was quite black , and it thundered and lightened ; and the waves , crowned with foam , ran mountains high . So he cried out , without being able to hear his own words , Soon after , she had a daughter , whose hair was black as ebony , while her cheeks were red as blood , and her skin as white as snow ; so she was called Snowdrop . But when the child was born the Queen died . A year after the King took another wife . She was a handsome woman , but proud and overbearing , and could not endure that any one should surpass her in beauty . She had a magic looking - glass , and when she stood before it and looked at herself she used to say , " Mirror , Mirror on the wall , Who is fairest of us all ? " And because of her beauty the Huntsman had pity on her and said , " Well , run away , poor child . " Wild beasts will soon devour you , he thought , but still he felt as though a weight were lifted from his heart because he had not been obliged to kill her . And as just at that moment a young fawn came leaping by , he pierced it and took the lungs and liver as tokens to the Queen . The Cook was ordered to serve them up in pickle , and the wicked Queen ate them thinking that they were Snowdrop 's . Now the poor child was alone in the great wood , with no living soul near , and she was so frightened that she knew not what to do . Then she began to run , and ran over the sharp stones and through the brambles , while the animals passed her by without harming her . She ran as far as her feet could carry her till it was nearly evening , when she saw a little house and went in to rest . Inside , everything was small , but as neat and clean as could be . A small table covered with a white cloth stood ready with seven small plates , and by every plate was a spoon , knife , fork , and cup . Seven little beds were ranged against the walls , covered with snow - white coverlets . As Snowdrop was very hungry and thirsty she ate a little bread and vegetable from each plate , and drank a little wine from each cup , for she did not want to eat up the whole of one portion . Then , being very tired , she lay down in one of the beds . She tried them all but none suited her ; one was too short , another too long , all except the seventh , which was just right . She remained in it , said her prayers , and fell asleep . When it was quite dark the masters of the house came in . They were seven Dwarfs , who used to dig in the mountains for ore . They kindled their lights , and as soon as they could see they noticed that some one had been there , for everything was not in the order in which they had left it . Then the first looked and saw a slight impression on his bed , and said , " Who has been treading on my bed ? " The others came running up and said , " And mine , and mine . " But the seventh , when he looked into his bed , saw Snowdrop , who lay there asleep . He called the others , who came up and cried out with astonishment , as they held their lights and gazed at Snowdrop . " Heavens ! what a beautiful child , " they said , and they were so delighted that they did not wake her up but left her asleep in bed . And the seventh Dwarf slept with his comrades , an hour with each all through the night . In the morning they went to the mountain and searched for copper and gold , and in the evening they came back and then their meal had to be ready . All day the maiden was alone , and the good Dwarfs warned her and said , " Beware of your stepmother , who will soon learn that you are here . Don 't let any one in . " She was dismayed , for she knew that the Glass told no lies , and she saw that the Hunter had deceived her and that Snowdrop still lived . Accordingly she began to wonder afresh how she might compass her death ; for as long as she was not the fairest in the land her jealous heart left her no rest . At last she thought of a plan . She dyed her face and dressed up like an old Pedlar , so that she was quite unrecognizable . In this guise she crossed over the seven mountains to the home of the seven Dwarfs and called out , " Wares for sale . " Not long after the seven Dwarfs came home , and were horror - struck when they saw their dear little Snowdrop lying on the floor without stirring , like one dead . When they saw she was laced too tight they cut the lace , whereupon she began to breathe and soon came back to life again . When the Dwarfs heard what had happened , they said that the old Pedlar was no other than the wicked Queen . " Take care not to let any one in when we are not here , " they said . When she heard it all her blood flew to her heart , so enraged was she , for she knew that Snowdrop had come back to life again . Then she thought to herself , " I must plan something which will put an end to her . " By means of witchcraft , in which she was skilled , she made a poisoned comb . Next she disguised herself and took the form of a different Old Woman . She crossed the mountains and came to the home of the seven Dwarfs , and knocked at the door calling out , " Good wares to sell . " Happily it was near the time when the seven Dwarfs came home . When they saw Snowdrop lying on the ground as though dead , they immediately suspected her stepmother , and searched till they found the poisoned comb . No sooner had they removed it than Snowdrop came to herself again and related what had happened . They warned her again to be on her guard , and to open the door to no one . When she heard the Glass speak these words she trembled and quivered with rage . " Snowdrop shall die , " she said , " even if it cost me my own life . " Thereupon she went into a secret room , which no one ever entered but herself , and made a poisonous apple . Outwardly it was beautiful to look upon , with rosy cheeks , and every one who saw it longed for it , but whoever ate of it was certain to die . When the apple was ready she dyed her face and dressed herself like an old Peasant Woman and so crossed the seven hills to the Dwarfs ' home . There she knocked . " It is all the same to me , " said the Peasant Woman . " I shall soon get rid of my apples . There , I will give you one . " Now the apple was so cunningly painted that the red half alone was poisoned . Snowdrop longed for the apple , and when she saw the Peasant Woman eating she could hold out no longer , stretched out her hand and took the poisoned half . Scarcely had she put a bit into her mouth than she fell dead to the ground . Then her jealous heart was at rest , as much at rest as a jealous heart can be . The Dwarfs , when they came at evening , found Snowdrop lying on the ground and not a breath escaped her lips , and she was quite dead . They lifted her up and looked to see whether any poison was to be found , unlaced her dress , combed her hair , washed her with wine and water , but it was no use ; their dear child was dead . They laid her on a bier , and all seven sat down and bewailed her and lamented over her for three whole days . Then they prepared to bury her , but she looked so fresh and living , and still had such beautiful rosy cheeks , that they said , " We cannot bury her in the dark earth . " And so they had a transparent glass coffin made , so that she could be seen from every side , laid her inside and wrote on it in letters of gold her name and how she was a King 's daughter . Then they set the coffin out on the mountain , and one of them always stayed by and watched it . And the birds came too and mourned for Snowdrop , first an owl , then a raven , and lastly a dove . Now Snowdrop lay a long , long time in her coffin , looking as though she were asleep . It happened that a Prince was wandering in the wood , and came to the home of the seven Dwarfs to pass the night . He saw the coffin on the mountain and lovely Snowdrop inside , and read what was written in golden letters . Then he said to the Dwarfs , " Let me have the coffin ; I will give you whatever you like for it . " The Prince bade his servants carry it on their shoulders . Now it happened that they stumbled over some brushwood , and the shock dislodged the piece of apple from Snowdrop 's throat . In a short time she opened her eyes , lifted the lid of the coffin , sat up and came back to life again completely . Then the wicked woman uttered a curse , and was so terribly frightened that she didn 't know what to do . Yet she had no rest : she felt obliged to go and see the young Queen . And when she came in she recognized Snowdrop , and stood stock still with fear and terror . But iron slippers were heated over the fire , and were soon brought in with tongs and put before her . And she had to step into the red - hot shoes and dance till she fell down dead . Far down in the forest , where the warm sun and the fresh air made a sweet resting - place , grew a pretty little fir - tree ; and yet it was not happy , it wished so much to be tall like its companions - the pines and firs which grew around it . The sun shone , and the soft air fluttered its leaves , and the little peasant children passed by , prattling merrily , but the fir - tree heeded them not . Sometimes the children would bring a large basket of raspberries or strawberries , wreathed on a straw , and seat themselves near the fir - tree , and say , " Is it not a pretty little tree ? " which made it feel more unhappy than before . And yet all this while the tree grew a notch or joint taller every year ; for by the number of joints in the stem of a fir - tree we can discover its age . Still , as it grew , it complained , " Oh ! how I wish I were as tall as the other trees , then I would spread out my branches on every side , and my top would over - look the wide world . I should have the birds building their nests on my boughs , and when the wind blew , I should bow with stately dignity like my tall companions . " The tree was so discontented , that it took no pleasure in the warm sunshine , the birds , or the rosy clouds that floated over it morning and evening . Sometimes , in winter , when the snow lay white and glittering on the ground , a hare would come springing along , and jump right over the little tree ; and then how mortified it would feel ! Two winters passed , and when the third arrived , the tree had grown so tall that the hare was obliged to run round it . Yet it remained unsatisfied , and would exclaim , " Oh , if I could but keep on growing tall and old ! There is nothing else worth caring for in the world ! " In the autumn , as usual , the wood - cutters came and cut down several of the tallest trees , and the young fir - tree , which was now grown to its full height , shuddered as the noble trees fell to the earth with a crash . After the branches were lopped off , the trunks looked so slender and bare , that they could scarcely be recognized . Then theThe swallows knew nothing , but the stork , after a little reflection , nodded his head , and said , " Yes , I think I do . I met several new ships when I flew from Egypt , and they had fine masts that smelt like fir . I think these must have been the trees ; I assure you they were stately , very stately . " " Where are they going ? " asked the fir - tree . " They are not taller than I am : indeed , one is much less ; and why are the branches not cut off ? Where are they going ? " " We know , we know , " sang the sparrows ; " we have looked in at the windows of the houses in the town , and we know what is done with them . They are dressed up in the most splendid manner . We have seen them standing in the middle of a warm room , and adorned with all sorts of beautiful things , - honey cakes , gilded apples , playthings , and many hundreds of wax tapers . " " I wonder whether anything so brilliant will ever happen to me , " thought the fir - tree . " It would be much better than crossing the sea . I long for it almost with pain . Oh ! when will Christmas be here ? I am now as tall and well grown as those which were taken away last year . Oh ! that I were now laid on the wagon , or standing in the warm room , with all that brightness and splendor around me ! Something better and more beautiful is to come after , or the trees would not be so decked out . Yes , what follows will be grander and more splendid . What can it be ? I am weary with longing . I scarcely know how I feel . " A short time before Christmas , the discontented fir - tree was the first to fall . As the axe cut through the stem , and divided the pith , the tree fell with a groan to the earth , conscious of pain and faintness , and forgetting all its anticipations of happiness , in sorrow at leaving its home in the forest . It knew that it should never again see its dear old companions , the trees , nor the little bushes and many - colored flowers that had grown by its side ; perhaps not even the birds . Neither was the journey at all pleasant . The tree first recovered itself while being unpacked in the courtyard of a house , with several other trees ; and it heard a man say , " We only want one , and this is the prettiest . " Then came two servants in grand livery , and carried the fir - tree into a large and beautiful apartment . On the walls hung pictures , and near the great stove stood great china vases , with lions on the lids . There were rocking chairs , silken sofas , large tables , covered with pictures , books , and playthings , worth a great deal of money , - at least , the children said so . Then the fir - tree was placed in a large tub , full of sand ; but green baize hung all around it , so that no one could see it was a tub , and it stood on a very handsome carpet . How the fir - tree trembled ! " What was going to happen to him now ? " Some young ladies came , and the servants helped them to adorn the tree . On one branch they hung little bags cut out of colored paper , and each bag was filled with sweetmeats ; from other branches hung gilded apples and walnuts , as if they had grown there ; and above , and all round , were hundreds of red , blue , and white tapers , which were fastened on the branches . Dolls , exactly like real babies , were placed under the green leaves , - the tree had never seen such things before , - and at the very top was fastened a glittering star , made of tinsel . Oh , it was very beautiful ! " This evening , " they all exclaimed , " how bright it will be ! " " Oh , that the evening were come , " thought the tree , " and the tapers lighted ! then I shall know what else is going to happen . Will the trees of the forest come to see me ? I wonder if the sparrows will peep in at the windows as they fly ? shall I grow faster here , and keep on all these ornaments summer and winter ? " But guessing was of very little use ; it made his bark ache , and this pain is as bad for a slender fir - tree , as headache is for us . At last the tapers were lighted , and then what a glistening blaze of light the tree presented ! It trembled so with joy in all its branches , that one of the candles fell among the green leaves and burnt some of them . " Help ! help ! " exclaimed the young ladies , but there was no danger , for they quickly extinguished the fire . After this , the tree tried not to tremble at all , though the fire frightened him ; he was so anxious not to hurt any of the beautiful ornaments , even while their brilliancy dazzled him . And now the folding doors were thrown open , and a troop of children rushed in as if they intended to upset the tree ; they were followed more silently by their elders . For a moment the little ones stood silent with astonishment , and then they shouted for joy , till the room rang , and they danced merrily round the tree , while one present after another was taken from it . " What are they doing ? What will happen next ? " thought the fir . At last the candles burnt down to the branches and were put out . Then the children received permission to plunder the tree . " Ivede - Avede , " cried some . " Humpty Dumpty , " cried others , and there was a fine shouting and crying out . But the fir - tree remained quite still , and thought to himself , " Shall I have anything to do with all this ? " but he had already amused them as much as they wished . Then the old man told them the story of Humpty Dumpty , how he fell down stairs , and was raised up again , and married a princess . And the children clapped their hands and cried , " Tell another , tell another , " for they wanted to hear the story of " Ivede - Avede ; " but they only had " Humpty Dumpty . " After this the fir - tree became quite silent and thoughtful ; never had the birds in the forest told such tales as " Humpty Dumpty , " who fell down stairs , and yet married a princess . " Ah ! yes , so it happens in the world , " thought the fir - tree ; he believed it all , because it was related by such a nice man . " Ah ! well , " he thought , " who knows ? perhaps I may fall down too , and marry a princess ; " and he looked forward joyfully to the next evening , expecting to be again decked out with lights and playthings , gold and fruit . " To - morrow I will not tremble , " thought he ; " I will enjoy all my splendor , and I shall hear the story of Humpty Dumpty again , and perhaps Ivede - Avede . " And the tree remained quiet and thoughtful all night . In the morning the servants and the housemaid came in . " Now , " thought the fir , " all my splendor is going to begin again . " But they dragged him out of the room and up stairs to the garret , and threw him on the floor , in a dark corner , where no daylight shone , and there they left him . " What does this mean ? " thought the tree , " what am I to do here ? I can hear nothing in a place like this , " and he had time enough to think , for days and nights passed and no one came near him , and when at last somebody did come , it was only to put away large boxes in a corner . So the tree was completely hidden from sight as if it had never existed . " It is winter now , " thought the tree , " the ground is hard and covered with snow , so that people cannot plant me . I shall be sheltered here , I dare say , until spring comes . How thoughtful and kind everybody is to me ! Still I wish this place were not so dark , as well as lonely , with not even a little hare to look at . How pleasant it was out in the forest while the snow lay on the ground , when the hare would run by , yes , and jump over me too , although I did not like it then . Oh ! it is terrible lonely here . " " Where do you come from ? and what do you know ? " asked the mice , who were full of curiosity . " Have you seen the most beautiful places in the world , and can you tell us all about them ? and have you been in the storeroom , where cheeses lie on the shelf , and hams hang from the ceiling ? One can run about on tallow candles there , and go in thin and come out fat . " " I know nothing of that place , " said the fir - tree , " but I know the wood where the sun shines and the birds sing . " And then the tree told the little mice all about its youth . They had never heard such an account in their lives ; and after they had listened to it attentively , they said , " What a number of things you have seen ? you must have been very happy . " " What splendid stories you can relate , " said the little mice . And the next night four other mice came with them to hear what the tree had to tell . The more he talked the more he remembered , and then he thought to himself , " Those were happy days , but they may come again . Humpty Dumpty fell down stairs , and yet he married the princess ; perhaps I may marry a princess too . " And the fir - tree thought of the pretty little birch - tree that grew in the forest , which was to him a real beautiful princess . " Who is Humpty Dumpty ? " asked the little mice . And then the tree related the whole story ; he could remember every single word , and the little mice was so delighted with it , that they were ready to jump to the top of the tree . The next night a great many more mice made their appearance , and on Sunday two rats came with them ; but they said , it was not a pretty story at all , and the little mice were very sorry , for it made them also think less of it . " Many thanks to you then , " replied the rats , and they marched off . The little mice also kept away after this , and the tree sighed , and said , " It was very pleasant when the merry little mice sat round me and listened while I talked . Now that is all passed too . However , I shall consider myself happy when some one comes to take me out of this place . " But would this ever happen ? Yes ; one morning people came to clear out the garret , the boxes were packed away , and the tree was pulled out of the corner , and thrown roughly on the garret floor ; then the servant dragged it out upon the staircase where the daylight shone . " Now life is beginning again , " said the tree , rejoicing in the sunshine and fresh air . Then it was carried down stairs and taken into the courtyard so quickly , that it forgot to think of itself , and could only look about , there was so much to be seen . The court was close to a garden , where everything looked blooming . Fresh and fragrant roses hung over the little palings . The linden - trees were in blossom ; while the swallows flew here and there , crying , " Twit , twit , twit , my mate is coming , " - but it was not the fir - tree they meant . " Now I shall live , " cried the tree , joyfully spreading out its branches ; but alas ! they were all withered and yellow , and it lay in a corner amongst weeds and nettles . The star of gold paper still stuck in the top of the tree and glittered in the sunshine . In the same courtyard two of the merry children were playing who had danced round the tree at Christmas , and had been so happy . The youngest saw the gilded star , and ran and pulled it off the tree . " Look what is sticking to the ugly old fir - tree , " said the child , treading on the branches till they crackled under his boots . And the tree saw all the fresh bright flowers in the garden , and then looked at itself , and wished it had remained in the dark corner of the garret . It thought of its fresh youth in the forest , of the merry Christmas evening , and of the little mice who had listened to the story of " Author SeaPosted on September 3 , 2016September 7 , 2016Categories Stories , Winter StoriesTags 1st grade , Christmas , English , Grimm 's Fairy Tales , Hans Christian Andersen , image , KindergartenLeave a comment on The Fir Tree The Emperor 's New Suit The Emperor 's New Suit Many , many years ago lived an emperor , who thought so much of new clothes that he spent all his money in order to obtain them ; his only ambition was to be always well dressed . He did not care for his soldiers , and the theatre did not amuse him ; the only thing , in fact , he thought anything of was to drive out and show a new suit of clothes . He had a coat for every hour of the day ; and as one would say of a king " He is in his cabinet , " so one could say of him , " The emperor is in his dressing - room . " The great city where he resided was very gay ; every day many strangers from all parts of the globe arrived . One day two swindlers came to this city ; they made people believe that they were weavers , and declared they could manufacture the finest cloth to be imagined . Their colours and patterns , they said , were not only exceptionally beautiful , but the clothes made of their material possessed the wonderful quality of being invisible to any man who was unfit for his office or unpardonably stupid . " That must be wonderful cloth , " thought the emperor . " If I were to be dressed in a suit made of this cloth I should be able to find out which men in my empire were unfit for their places , and I could distinguish the clever from the stupid . I must have this cloth woven for me without delay . " And he gave a large sum of money to the swindlers , in advance , that they should set to work without any loss of time . They set up two looms , and pretended to be very hard at work , but they did nothing whatever on the looms . They asked for the finest silk and the most precious gold - cloth ; all they got they did away with , and worked at the empty looms till late at night . " I should very much like to know how they are getting on with the cloth , " thought the emperor . But he felt rather uneasy when he remembered that he who was not fit for his office could not see it . Personally , he was of opinion that he had nothing to fear , yet he thought it advisable to send somebody else first to see how matters stood . Everybody in the town knew what a remarkable quality the stuff possessed , and all were anxious to see how bad or stupid their neighbours were . The good old minister went into the room where the swindlers sat before the empty looms . " Heaven preserve us ! " he thought , and opened his eyes wide , " I cannot see anything at all , " but he did not say so . Both swindlers requested him to come near , and asked him if he did not admire the exquisite pattern and the beautiful colours , pointing to the empty looms . The poor old minister tried his very best , but he could see nothing , for there was nothing to be seen . " Oh dear , " he thought , " can I be so stupid ? I should never have thought so , and nobody must know it ! Is it possible that I am not fit for my office ? No , no , I cannot say that I was unable to see the cloth . " " Oh , it is very pretty , exceedingly beautiful , " replied the old minister looking through his glasses . " What a beautiful pattern , what brilliant colours ! I shall tell the emperor that I like the cloth very much . " " I am not stupid , " said the man . " It is therefore my good appointment for which I am not fit . It is very strange , but I must not let any one know it ; " and he praised the cloth , which he did not see , and expressed his joy at the beautiful colours and the fine pattern . " It is very excellent , " he said to the emperor . Everybody in the whole town talked about the precious cloth . At last the emperor wished to see it himself , while it was still on the loom . With a number of courtiers , including the two who had already been there , he went to the two clever swindlers , who now worked as hard as they could , but without using any thread . " Is it not magnificent ? " said the two old statesmen who had been there before . " Your Majesty must admire the colours and the pattern . " And then they pointed to the empty looms , for they imagined the others could see the cloth . " What is this ? " thought the emperor , " I do not see anything at all . That is terrible ! Am I stupid ? Am I unfit to be emperor ? That would indeed be the most dreadful thing that could happen to me . " " Really , " he said , turning to the weavers , " your cloth has our most gracious approval ; " and nodding contentedly he looked at the empty loom , for he did not like to say that he saw nothing . All his attendants , who were with him , looked and looked , and although they could not see anything more than the others , they said , like the emperor , " It is very beautiful . " And all advised him to wear the new magnificent clothes at a great procession which was soon to take place . " It is magnificent , beautiful , excellent , " one heard them say ; everybody seemed to be delighted , and the emperor appointed the two swindlers " Imperial Court weavers . " The whole night previous to the day on which the procession was to take place , the swindlers pretended to work , and burned more than sixteen candles . People should see that they were busy to finish the emperor 's new suit . They pretended to take the cloth from the loom , and worked about in the air with big scissors , and sewed with needles without thread , and said at last : " The emperor 's new suit is ready now . " The emperor and all his barons then came to the hall ; the swindlers held their arms up as if they held something in their hands and said : " These are the trousers ! " " This is the coat ! " and " Here is the cloak ! " and so on . " They are all as light as a cobweb , and one must feel as if one had nothing at all upon the body ; but that is just the beauty of them . " " How well they look ! How well they fit ! " said all . " What a beautiful pattern ! What fine colours ! That is a magnificent suit of clothes ! " " I am ready , " said the emperor . " Does not my suit fit me marvellously ? " Then he turned once more to the looking - glass , that people should think he admired his garments . The emperor marched in the procession under the beautiful canopy , and all who saw him in the street and out of the windows exclaimed : " Indeed , the emperor 's new suit is incomparable ! What a long train he has ! How well it fits him ! " Nobody wished to let others know he saw nothing , for then he would have been unfit for his office or too stupid . Never emperor 's clothes were more admired . " But he has nothing on at all , " said a little child at last . " Good heavens ! listen to the voice of an innocent child , " said the father , and one whispered to the other what the child had said . " But he has nothing on at all , " cried at last the whole people . That made a deep impression upon the emperor , for it seemed to him that they were right ; but he thought to himself , " Now I must bear up to the end . " And the chamberlains walked with still greater dignity , as if they carried the train which did not exist . Once upon a time there were Three Bears , who lived together in a house of their own , in a wood . One of them was a Little , Small Wee Bear ; and one was a Middle - sized Bear , and the other was a Great , Huge Bear . They had each a pot for their porridge , a little pot for the Little , Small , Wee Bear ; and a middle - sized pot for the Middle Bear , and a great pot for the Great , Huge Bear . And they had each a chair to sit in ; a little chair for the Little , Small , Wee Bear ; and a middle - sized chair for the Middle Bear ; and a great chair for the Great , Huge Bear . And they had each a bed to sleep in ; a little bed for the Little , Small , Wee Bear ; and a middle - sized bed for the Middle Bear ; and a great bed for the Great , Huge Bear . One day , after they had made the porridge for their breakfast , and poured it into their porridge - pots , they walked out into the wood while the porridge was cooling , that they might not burn their mouths , by beginning too soon to eat it . And while they were walking , a little old Woman came to the house . She could not have been a good , honest old Woman ; for first she looked in at the window , and then she peeped in at the keyhole ; and seeing nobody in the house , she lifted the latch . The door was not fastened , because the Bears were good Bears , who did nobody any harm , and never suspected that anybody would harm them . So the little old Woman opened the door , and went in ; and well pleased she was when she saw the porridge on the table . If she had been a good little old Woman , she would have waited till the Bears came home , and then , perhaps , they would have asked her to breakfast ; for they were good Bears - a little rough or so , as the manner of Bears is , but for all that very good - natured and hospitable . But she was an impudent , bad old Woman , and set about helping herself . So first she tasted the porridge of the Great , Huge Bear , and that was too hot for her ; and she said a bad word about that . And then she tasted the porridge of the Middle Bear , and that was too cold for her ; and she said a bad word about that too . And then she went to the porridge of the Little , Small , Wee Bear , and tasted that ; and that was neither too hot , nor too cold , but just right ; and she liked it so well , that she ate it all up : but the naughty old Woman said a bad word about the little porridge - pot , because it did not hold enough for her . Then the little old Woman sate down in the chair of the Great , Huge Bear , and that was too hard for her . And then she sate down in the chair of the Middle Bear , and that was too soft for her . And then she sate down in the chair of the Little , Small , Wee Bear , and that was neither too hard , nor too soft , but just right . So she seated herself in it , and there she sate till the bottom of the chair came out , and down she came , plump upon the ground . And the naughty old Woman said a wicked word about that too . Then the little old Woman went upstairs into the bed - chamber in which the three Bears slept . And first she lay down upon the bed of the Great , Huge Bear ; but that was too high at the head for her . And next she lay down upon the bed of the Middle Bear ; and that was too high at the foot for her . And then she lay down upon the bed of the Little , Small , Wee Bear ; and that was neither too high at the head , nor at the foot , but just right . So she covered herself up comfortably , and lay there till she fell fast asleep . said the Great , Huge Bear , in his great , rough , gruff voice . And when the Middle Bear looked at his , he saw that the spoon was standing in it too . They were wooden spoons ; if they had been silver ones , the naughty old Woman would have put them in her pocket . The little old Woman had heard in her sleep the great , rough , gruff voice of the Great , Huge Bear ; but she was so fast asleep that it was no more to her than the roaring of wind , or the rumbling of thunder . And she had heard the middle voice , of the Middle Bear , but it was only as if she had heard some one speaking in a dream . But when she heard the little , small , wee voice of the Little , Small , Wee Bear , it was so sharp , and so shrill , that it awakened her at once . Up she started ; and when she saw the Three Bears on one side of the bed , she tumbled herself out at the other , and ran to the window . Now the window was open , because the Bears , like good , tidy Bears , as they were , always opened their bedchamber window when they got up in the morning . Out the little old Woman jumped . The Three Bears never saw anything more of her . |
We don 't know how it started . We aren 't sure how it spread or how far it 's gone . One thing we do know is that we need to survive . . . The girls ran out as if a fire had been lit under their shoes . I stood perfectly still , feeling partially in awe , and partially vindicated that I had been right all along ! My excitement stemmed from the fact that Patient X was my little side project . Well , the finale of my little side project . Unlike many of the other patients that had been flooding the ER , Patient X was DOA , and not because of any bite or scratch wound . As soon as I saw his chart being handed over to the hospital 's mortuary staff , I knew I had found my perfect specimen . I waited three days before following up with the Patient X case . He had yet to be claimed by next - of - kin , or anyone for that matter . May be the reason he killed himself . I pulled some strings and had the body brought up for testing a week later . Recalling the beginning of experiments is almost as good as actually starting them . I felt a rush I can 't quite pin - point ; it 's somewhere between euphoria and dread . As the lights flickered back on , Patient X and I just stared at each other . I could see the vacancy in his eyes ; but a hunger soon took over the look . I opened the door behind me without much further thought , and went into the decontamination room . Without turning on any lights , I reached for a locked box under one of the wash units and fished for the tranquilizer gun I knew was there . Why we had a tranquilizer gun in the OR 's decontamination room was beyond me . I never really questioned it , just assumed it was NYC and sometimes , no matter what the place , things got a bit crazy . As I loaded the tranquilizer into the feed , I began to observe Patient X in the OR . I squealed in excitement at the opportunity ! . . . He held himself and his posture in a peculiar manner , not what I would normally expect from a wounded living patient . I had removed a portion of his scalp and brain for examination , so there remained a gouged out area in his head . This should have affected the sensory and motor branches of the spinal nerves and muscles . He showed no particular attention to these strains , tPosted by One last time , we 're let down today . One last time , until we fade away . . . . . I loved her so much . I love her still . Each day that passes makes me miss her more and drives me closer to insanity . I wait for the day that I meet my match and I can join her in the afterlife . I can 't just give up my life so easily though . I promised her I would fight . I promised her I would find out who was responsible . I promised her I would make them pay ! The day that I lost her was the longest , hardest day of my life . We woke up that morning in my bed , both wondering if what we witnessed was just a terrible nightmare . However , the bandages on her back told us that that was just wishful thinking . This was real . It was the end of days . As promised , I ran into the garage and salvaged whatever was left of Joe 's tools and wood . Joe was renovating the basement for about a year now , and he had plenty of useful things to work with . I spent hours trying to board up all of the windows and light leaks that could be seen from outside of the house . I didn 't want to take a single chance . I 'm not a carpenter , nor am I a contractor . But , I did the best I could with the materials that I had . It wasn 't perfect , but I got the job done . As long as my baby was safe , I didn 't care . After my attempt at construction , I went to check on Shelah . She wasn 't looking so hot . She actually looked kind of feverish . Damn , was this a bad time to get sick . I gave her some Advil and told her to get some rest . Hopefully the drugs would reduce her fever . While she slept , I cooked whatever I could put together . There was dry spinach and arugula along with some raw chicken . I threw some seasoning on the chicken and tossed it in the oven . I put it all together and made a grilled chicken caesar . That was one of our favorite , quick meals . She was still asleep when I brought up the food . She looked so peaceful aside from being extremely pale . I couldn 't help but daydream for a moment . Memories of a better time came to mind . I remembered the days we spent together in Atlantic City , Posted by After putting on the big guys ' jacket , I was moving at a feverish pace throughout the streets in my area . I didn 't care where I was going or how far I was from my safe - house . All I knew was that I needed this , or more so , my mind needed this . I was stuck in that attic all the damn time and honestly I was fed up . Life seemed meaningless at this point . I had no word from any family members , I couldn 't remember the last time I had seen a friend , no television , no radio , my iPod like everything else was dead , and worst of all no women ! How am I supposed to live my life as a ridiculously sexy 24 year old male when there are no women around ? ! It 's just not right . So I lost it and decided I was going hunting . After about 10 minutes , I came across a real challenge . Seven zombies all with their backs turned to me . They were all walking in unison . It was kind of odd to see really . It seemed as if they had a purpose to their walk ; almost like a sense of direction . If ever there was a time to test out this " smell theory " , now was the time . As quietly and as slowly as I could , I crept up to the back of the group . I was about ten feet behind them when I stepped on a tiny stick out in the street . It snapped and the group of zombies froze in place . Shit . This can 't be good . One of them turned slowly around , looked at me for a brief moment , and then turned back around . The group started walking again as if I didn 't exist . It was working ! I couldn 't believe it . Somehow , the smell of death that was stuck on these clothes was covering up my own scent . My eyes lit up at the thought of being able to just walk up to these zombies and pick them apart . This was going to be glorious ! The one zombie who had stopped and turned to look at me had fallen a few paces behind the rest of the group . I guess the same rules that apply to normal people also applied to zombies ; if you fall behind , you die . I crept slowly up behind this zombie , who still had his mailman uniform on , poor bastard , and jammed my knife right into the sideAntonio " Left Behind " Cray and I looked down the long corridor . After everything that had taken place in the last 24hours , a dark corridor was the last place we wanted to walk down . However , since it was Edie 's apartment building , the hesistancy seemed to fade rather quickly . Then , as I thought about what we had just been through , my anxiety rose a little . I 'm sure Cray had the same feelings as she looked at me , as if to say ' I 'm waiting for you to walk first . ' I took a breath and slowly started down the hall . I clutched the key Edie had given me , as I carefully listened for any sound other than our footfalls and breathing . Finally , we made it to the end of the hall where her apartment was . I quickly inserted the key and entered , Cray right on my heels . We closed the door and as the last lock clicked into place , we finally felt safe . The place looked as if no one had lived there for a while . Everything was perfectly untouched , serene in this quiet little loft . Cray and I were almost afraid of putting our things down because it seemed we might disturb the peace . Cray dropped her bags and heaved a sigh of release . " Well that was an interesting day , let 's get to work " . We proceeded to dump our bags in her living room and head to her home office . She had given us instructions to look up and contact some people in her circle of peers , as well as grab some files she said were key to " what would happen next " . Cray and I didn 't question the " what would happen next . " I honestly could say I didn 't want to know , but I trusted Edie . If she gave us these instructions then what was coming was good , right ? Just as the question popped into my brain , my cell went off . It was Edie . " Hey ! We made it in . . . whoa , slow down . . . uhuh , uhuh . . . " Cray looked at me quizzically and mouthed ' what 's wrong ' . Guess my face shared the uneasy feeling that was building in my gut with every word Edie uttered . I hung up the phone and looked at her . " Change of plans . We need to grab everything you think is valuable , all the information she had wanted initially , and then we Posted by The world had officially fallen apart . I was completely alone , it had been … well I can 't even remember how long it 's been since I lost Stephanie , there were zombies everywhere and I was living off of canned food and Twinkies . In all this mess , there was only one thought running through my mind . I ' M BORED ! I don 't know what had gotten into me . Maybe it was being cooped up in this attic all day , or not having anyone to talk to , or being stuck with only horrible thoughts running through my mind and not having anything else to fill the gap , but damn it I was bored as all hell ! At least Tom Hanks had a volleyball to talk to when he got stuck on that island , lucky bastard . I don 't know what got into me , but I told myself I was going do something to make myself smile even if it was the last thing I did . It wasn 't the last thing I ever did , but it sure as hell put a smile on my face . And that 's the part that scared me . Earlier memories of when all this crap was still hitting the fan are all jumbled together . I only really remembered certain events . Traumatic things that in one way or another led me to where I am now , and for the most part , kept me alive . I remember one event specifically , because I couldn 't figure it out . I saw a man running out of his house covered in blood . Now I don 't know if he had been bitten himself , but I know for sure he was covered in blood , whoever 's blood it happened to be . Anyway , I remember him being out in the street and just standing there looking around . He was out in plain sight in the middle of the day with a good number of zombies around , and not a single one even paid him any mind . They either walked right by him or didn 't even think twice about touching him . The only conclusion I could come to was the blood on his clothes was making him smell dead . I know it sounds weird , but these things all have a distinct smell . They all smell , for lack of a better word , dead . I don 't know how to describe it but it 's just sort of a rotting , fleshy kind of dead smell . WhaPosted by Every single bite I take makes me wonder if I 'm crazy or if I 've already become one of them . . . . . It was about a week after the breakout . All of the news reports ended . The television was filled with blank screens . Every radio station turned to high pitched scratch . I only had a very limited amount of DVDs . I had to let Smokey and the cats go free because I didn 't feel fit to take care of them anymore . I couldn 't even take care of myself . I hadn 't been outside since the day my world turned to ash . I was bored . I was lonely . I was fucking hungry . I had eaten everything in my house , from the canned tuna to the spoiled milk . A week was a long time and alot of meals , especially when you don 't go outside to the supermarket . I just couldn 't bring myself to leave . I didn 't want to pass the headstones that I carved and the graves that I dug . They brought back too many memories of a former life . After a few days of borderline starvation , I realized it was either eat or die . So before the thought of leaving the house , I gave every pantry one last check for scraps . Didn 't find a goddamn thing in my house . I went downstairs into Joe 's apartment and still found nothing in the cabinets . There was nothing left in the refrigerator . However , there was something in the freezer that I completely disregarded , up until now . The remains of Joe 's body . At that point , it looked like a fine porterhouse steak , just waiting to be devoured . So , I did what had to be done . I took his thigh , let it thaw out for a few hours and prepared it for broiling . We Brazilians love the taste of meat with only a seasoning of salt . The natural flavor of the meat can be tasted at its full potential . I chopped the meat into small pieces then threw it in the oven . 10 minutes on each side and it was ready . Yeah , I know what you are thinking , " that was infected flesh . " And you 're right , it was . I figured that cooking the meat would either kill the infection or mutate it to something far less extreme . After I let it cool down a bit , I noticed that it actually looPosted by Everyone has heard the saying " you can run but you can 't hide . " Yeah , well I say that 's bull ! You can definitely hide . In fact , in this zombie infested wasteland I 'd say hiding is your best bet . However , the reality is that the vast majority of us are not skilled builders or contractors who can go into a house board up every single window and door , and fortify the place into an impenetrable fortress to safeguard us from the infected . So for the vast majority of us , here are some tips on choosing a proper hide out . Tip # 1 Attics are better than basements Now I know what you 're going to say ; you 're going to tell me " but basements are underground and have no windows so nothing can see you . " This is very true . However , you can easily be trapped in a basement . If the infected do happen to break into the house you 're as good as dead sitting in a basement . They typically only have one entrance and exit and you will have no way out should you become surrounded . Attics are better because their entrances are usually hidden and difficult to see . Also we can assume that the zombies wouldn 't be coordinated enough to find the entrance to the attic or to find a way to climb up there . Also , some attics offer a window that allows you to look outside which is good for you to be able to survey your surroundings and keep track of the days and nights without having to leave your hiding spot . Should you find yourself surrounded and trapped in the attic , you can use the window as a means for escape . Overall , attics tend to be better hiding places than basements . Tip # 2 Beware of windows Zombies have a nasty tendency of crashing through windows and breaking their way into places . I know this may seem inconsiderate , but they are trying to eat you so manners don 't really play a role here . Picking a hide out with as few windows as possible is useful because it allows you to move around inside without many places for you to be seen . Also , it 's less work for you to have to cover up fewer windows . It is especially imAntonio " Left Behind " Cray and I sped through the streets of our neighborhood like never before . It was already midday Monday . The sun was bright and the air chilled . The buzz of life normally associated with this hour seemed to be low , but I chalked it up to it being New Year 's Eve , eve . Many houses we passed by seemed vacant , or had their owners in their driveways loading vehicles . Again , I just correlated what I was witnessing to holiday travel . The silence in the car started to bug Cray , so she turned on the radio . I have come to hate the radio - always the same playlist and way too many commercials . The radio jockey came on for a brief news update , and of course Cray took this opportunity to start talking . " So , that was really weird ! When I spoke with Edie she said that those " , she swallowed hard , " people we just encountered may have to do with the recent rabies outbreak in the city " . In the past two weeks , the news was littered with random " rabies " attacks . At first , the reports were only animals getting savagely attacked ; and then slowly reports started to come in that people were attacking people , biting people , to be more specific , at an alarming rate . " Cray , last time I checked , rabies didn 't do what we just saw . For God 's sake , her head was backwards ! " Cray sat further down in the passenger 's seat , " Yea , true … hope Edie has some good news … " The rest of the ride was pretty silent . Heading toward Columbia University Medical Center seemed normal enough , but as we parked and approached the entrance , madness seemed to be draped around the building . Ambulances were racing in and out , people seemed to be flooding out from the ER and pouring into other departments . Cray and I tried to keep composed and bee - lined to find our friend Edie , who worked in the Neuro center . " Guys ! Over here ! " Edie waved us over to where she was standing amid the typical office chaos . " Hi ! " she squealed . Edie had been working a double shift and it showed . Tired eyes , but wired with whatever she was hopped up on this tPosted by What the hell was I supposed to do ? I know he was her father . But I had to protect her , right ? I mean , he was standing right between us and our only way out . Well she surely didn 't enjoy watching me take him by the throat and ram his head through the wall . Rather , I smashed the wall through his head . I didn 't enjoy it too much either . I had nothing but love and respect for the man . " Be strong baby . I had no choice and you know that . He was one of those things . A zombie , " I said sofly . " That 's not the fucking point ! He was my father goddamnit , have some sympathy ! " She was right , I could have been more sensitive . But , there was no time to be sympathetic . It was " zombie apocalypse " for Christ 's sake . We headed back to my house . I didn 't want to leave my mother alone for much longer . It seemed that in the 5 minutes we were at Shelah 's house , things had already gotten a lot worse . There were bodies everywhere , sprawled across the streets . And some of them were getting up . Scratch that , all of them were getting up ! ! ! This time , I drove carelessly . Everyone seemed to be infected and I didn 't want to take my chances . I have to admit that I was afraid . I was especially afraid for my mother and Shelah . I didn 't know if I was capable of keeping them safe . But , I was going to do everything in my power . I was going to fight ! ! ! We arrived back at my place . I figured we can defend ourselves from there . We have strong doors and large dogs . When we sprinted into the house from the car , I yelled for my mother . No answer . What the hell could she be doing ? I told her not to move until I came back for her . I ran upstairs to look for her , but she was nowhere to be found . I heard a loud , painful yelp from downstairs . It was Bandit 's cry ! Bandit was my dog and my best friend . " Shit ! ! One of those things is here in the goddamn house . What am I gonna do baby ? " She freaked out just as much as I did , but somehow came to her senses once she noticed the axe that was mounted on my wall . I got that axe about two years ago from the Renaissance FaiIsaac " Eat them first " Maldonado Before I could even process the situation , Chris is jumping across the bed and coming after me . This moment was the closest I 've ever been to being a 5 year old little girl . I screamed at the top of my lungs as he lunged towards me , and I did the only thing I could think of ; I threw the phone at him . This , of course , did nothing as I watched the plastic house phone bounce off the top of his head and flop helplessly to the floor . Chris tackles me backwards against my mothers ' dresser . The mirror shatters as the weight of both our bodies slams against it . He 's a lot stronger than he looked . I don 't know if this whole rage induced frenzy has given him super human strength or something , but the situation was quickly turning pretty damn bad for me . He lunges at me with his mouth open trying to take a bite out of my neck , but I side step him and push him away just in time for him to miss my neck by inches and send his head crashing into the wall . I quickly get behind him , wrap my arms around his waist and spin him around , tossing him over the bed and onto the floor on the other side of the room . I managed to get him away from me but now he 's on the side of the room with the only door . " Think Ant think , how the hell can I get out of here ? " As soon as he stands up , I knew I had to make a quick move . I bend down , grab the bottom of the bed and flip the mattress upright . I push it towards him , and keep pushing until he 's trapped between the mattress and the wall . It seemed like a good idea at the time , but seeing as how my mother has a Queen sized mattress , I had now managed to block the door as well . This really sucks . In a moment of complete panic , and probably even more complete stupidity , I do the only thing I can think of ; I rush straight at the window and jump . I was only on the second floor and I knew we had an awning for me to roll on , but it was still pretty damn stupid . But what can I say , I had no other choice , and I had to get out of there . I roll across the top of the awning making as much noisAntonio " Left Behind " NEWSFLASH ! NEWSFLASH ! After an unprecedented overflow of concerned calls and letters by all the beautiful women of the world asking where Jay MF Ruez is , our covert news team has finally located him and asked him for the reason of his sudden silence . His response : " Ladies , the chosen one has not forgotten ya , nonono , still love the shit out of ya , even the regular looking ones . Daddy is still alive and cooling . Prophecy still in effect . Gospel of Impregnation still a go . Reason for the resent silence is because a lot of shit went down , daddy will recap the whole EPIC adventure for ya so that my legend can be told to the new world of Jay MF Ruez created babies . Mwah ladies , I 'm playing Cutie right now thinking of ya " And There You Have it Ladies , dudes stop hating . Jay MF Ruez is safe and apparently has some EPIC & LEGENDARY account of his recent interactions with the zombies . Stay Tuned Screaming , more screaming , and blood . . . That 's all I sensed at the moment . " May ! Oh my God , May , what did you do ? Can you hear me ? Please , talk to me . " I finally snapped to , dropping the shovel as I surveyed the damage . I could not bear to look anymore , especially at the carnage that was once Charlie . I let myself fall into Cray 's embrace . " May , I don 't know what 's going on around here , but we need to call Edie . You know she 's on top of weird , unexplainable shit . " I just nodded and let her lead me back into my home . I collapsed on my sofa , still really shaken by the experience . Cray looked at me . " OK … what the hell happened ? " She extended a tissue from the box on the coffee table next to the sofa , and patiently waited for me to recount my morning . About an hour and a whole tissue box later , I was done with my tale and more composed . Cray began searching through my house for some acceptable clothes and items to pack . In the hour I was mumbling away , she seemed to be mentally packing , arranging and setting up my itinerary for the day . I let her live out her agenda ; I trusted her wholeheartedly . I grabbed a towel from under the sink , picked up the shovel , and went back out to the butchery . Gently , I wrapped what was left of Charlie in the towel , and headed toward my backyard to bury his remains . I could care less about the bloody stump lying across my front lawn . I made a little grave and , as I began to cover the site , Cray came running out the back door . " We got to go , now ! " Confused , I looked at her as she started half dragging me back to the front of the house . " Cray , what 's going on ? I need to lock up the house … " " We do not have time , I just spoke with Edie . " She began loading my car , which was right in the driveway , with the ' essentials ' she 'd packed for me . This translated into 2 duffel bags of , who the hell knows what , and 3 grocery bags full of water , some fruits , a flashlight , a mix of AA and AAA batteries , and I couldn 't make out the rest . " We 're going to pick her up at her joPosted by It 's the end of the fucking world . I 'm all alone . I 've lost everything and everyone I 've ever cared about . The only one who hasn 't left my side is my beloved Beatriz . I know I 'm not the only survivor left out there . I 'm tired of being by myself , with only my thoughts : The memories of a much happier time . . . . . . I 'll never forget that first day . I woke up with an unbareable headache from the festivities of New Year 's Eve at the Thirsty Turtle - my beautiful girlfriend sleeping at my side . Her name was Shelah . She had long legs , brown hair , innocent brown eyes , and the most amazing smile . You know , perfect . We grew up together , only a few blocks away from one another in Pelham Bay . We never really spent much time together over the years because we went to different high schools and had different groups of friends . We reconnected about a year ago , and it immediately became something great . I was in love - Something I never knew before ; something I never thought I could feel . . . We were the couple that they wrote novels about , and romantic screenplays . We couldn 't wait to get married . We saw our children in each other 's eyes : Baby , Mary Anne , and her big brother , James Maldonado . We were perfect . I was woken up by a news report on my clock radio , rather than the usual 101 . 9 morning music . All I could hear before I shut off the alarm was " stay indoors . " So I assumed we were probably just getting another snow storm . I woke up Shelah , and headed down to make some breakfast . My dogs were barking at the front door repeatedly . I told them to shut up . I figured there was a dog outside the house and they were just being territorial . My mother , Mary Anne , was already in the kitchen making eggs and wheat toast . She definitely wasn 't your average mother . She was perfectly fit and incredibly hard working . Most people are exhausted after a single aerobic workout . She averaged 5 a day ! Then she would come home and clean the entire hous , e and still find time to cook for me and my brothers . I helped her around the house because I was hePosted by * BANG BANG * The banging continued to echo all the way up into my mothers bedroom . It sounded like someone was banging on the back door , which leads into the kitchen from the backyard . " Maybe it 's mom ! " I thought to myself . Maybe she was outside in the backyard and she got locked out . She has a tendency of always leaving her keys in the house whenever she goes out to do little things like running to the corner store , or even just going downstairs to the laundry room . She never really went very far , but I always told her to take her keys with her just in case . I used to lock the door sometimes , just as a joke , and lock her outside for a minute or two . But this time there was nothing funny about what was happening outside . I ran downstairs to see what the banging was , hoping it would bring me some good news . Just as my foot reaches the last step , I hear the back door shatter . Glass comes crashing down onto my kitchen floor in a million broken pieces . I hear foot steps entering the kitchen , crunching down on the broken glass , and I freeze in place still standing one step off the ground . Who the hell just shattered my back door ? I pause on the first step , and slowly turn my head around the banister and towards the kitchen . Unfortunately for me , the wall between the living room and the kitchen blocks the back door so I couldn 't see who or what had come into the house . " Great , " I thought to myself , " now I have to walk into the kitchen and see who or what the hell that was . " As I stepped off the last stair it creaked , the same way all wooden stairs tend to creak when you 're trying to quietly sneak in or out of your house . It 's almost as if parents put a magic spell on staircases to make a ridiculously huge amount of noise at the most inconvenient times . Before I got both feet down on the floor , I heard the footsteps from the kitchen come sprinting down the hallway in my direction . Fear locked me in place as I saw my neighbor Chris come barreling toward me . His shirt was ripped and covered in blood , asPosted by I fired ahead and shot one of the zombies in the knee cap , but it took me two shots while the other moved past this crippled one . He lunged at me while I was rolling over and I fired right at his face and once while he was down . This leaves me with one bullet which I was proud to walk right up to this garbage undead and blast right in its brain . I immediately went into the hallway and went straight into my rooms direction where Pippo was still barking . Upon arriving at my room 's door I noticed these zombies were breaking it down and left a huge hole down the middle . Mah du Pippo was almost dinner and I can assure you I wouldn 't have been able to go on with the guilt . I opened the door and picked him up in relief . His heart racing at an unprecedented rate . This is the point now where I realize it won 't be too safe to just linger in one place . I am going to need to find other survivors and hopefully their shelter is still worthy of being called a safe - house . This night will result in me boarding up the back door with the kitchen table wood . It only took me 1 hour for that operation to take place and this is the point where I 'd shut all the lights off and make sure Pippo has everything he needs upstairs so he doesn 't require barking to alert me . I decided from this day forth the 2nd floor wouldn 't be the safest place in the house , but I should take this to the 3rd floor . I am now thinking I should go to my car and get " Old Faithful " and bring it inside because I could have sure used it earlier . The time comes around 9 p . m . where I grow about insecure not having my hockey stick handy and I decide I 'll see if it is clear outside so I can grab it from the backseat . When I reach the living room and look through the blinds out the front window I see a horde of zombies at the surrounding houses . Must be about 20 or 25 of them . " How the hell is this happening ? ! ? " is the only thing running across my mind . Within seconds I hear something I had hoped I 'd never hear and it makes me realize there was one thing I forgot to do . . . check the 3rd floor . The sound of furniture moving and constantly . Pippo is beginning to bark and I am worried the horde will hear him . Not to mention all I have is my gun which would be too loud and draw the attention to my house . I cant deny the panic spreading throughout my body and mind . I decide to keep the door leading to the 3rd floor locked until I can find something silent and pray it is just one . When I collected my thoughts I realized I had an entire golfing set downstairs in the laundry room and had an assortment of weapons to utilize . The 3 - Wood always worked wonders for me and I am certain it wont fail me now , but to be safe I will take my 8 - Iron as well . I place the 9mm in the back of my pants and decide to make sure people is calm and anybody that had the luxury to meet the guy know all that will take is some bread . This is the moment where I am so friggin annoyed that I unlock the door quietly and make my way up to the 3rd floor gingerly . I wait about 5 steps from the top hoping a sound is made so I can know which directioPosted by Charlie was nibbling my hand , beckoning me to wake up . I lifted my hand and turned over in my bed , giving my back to him . He took this as the signal to bark , loudly and repeatedly . " I 'm up . I 'm up . Are you happy , now ? " I got two barks which I took as " No . I will not be happy ' til I 'm walked and fed . " I threw on some sweats , a hoodie , baseball cap to mask gnarly morning hair , and headed out of my bedroom . Charlie was already waiting by the front door , knowing that soon he 'd be basking in the beautiful sun outside . I reached for the door , getting ready to release the beast , when something caught the corner of my eye through the front window . It looked like a grown man sprawled on my front lawn - fully dressed in a tuxedo , but no shoes . As I took a closer look , now from the safety of the door 's peep - hole , shoes were not the only things missing . I backed slowly toward my couch and scooped up the bag my friend Cray had gotten for me . I rummaged , looking for my cell . Why did she get me such a big bag ? ! I could never find anything in this damn thing . It was pretty though , and sparkled in the light . I smiled to myself as I held the bag up to the sun , and lost myself for a moment in fashion euphoria . . . only to be rudely brought back to the world by a thump at my door . I finally grabbed hold of my cell and cautiously went toward the door . I scanned the front window , hoping to find the thing still on my lawn . He was not there , leading me to believe it was at my door . Charlie was riled up , hopping maybe 2 or so inches off the ground as Multipoos tend to do when overly excited . I checked the peep hole - holy crap - I gasped aloud - Thump . It was out there , and had just looked me in the eye through the peep - hole . " What do I do ? " - Thump , Thump - " Charlie , please shush , I must think ! " O . k . , it looked pretty beat up . There had to be some logical explanation to his being sprawled on my lawn and missing part of his jaw … right ? " May , get it together ! You are a renowned lawyer , breathe " - Thump - " I 'm coming ! ! ! " I gingerPosted by Ugh . . . Where am I ? How did I get here ? It 's so dark here . Am I dead ? Maybe I 'm blind . I 'm so damn hungry , I must have been out for a while . Why can 't I remember where I am or how I got here ? Why can 't I remember who I am . . . . At the moment , standing up seems to be a hard enough task . My legs and arms aren 't responding well . I can only imagine that I hit my head pretty hard and it damaged some of my brain 's functions . I get to my feet and feel around for an exit from the darkness . It 's cold here , must be in a basement or cellar . I found a set of stairs but I 'm having some dificulty climbing them . Oh good , a door . I can see light through the crack beneath the door and I feel comfort , knowing that im not blind . I open the door to see that it is daytime . I 'm so hungry , I must not have eaten much recently . I find the refrigerator and reach for the milk . Sour , disgusting ! Must be expired . I check the date but that 's no help , especially because I have no idea what day it is . How do I look right now ? I search for a mirror and I finally can see who I am . Not bad . A little pale , but maybe thats just the way that I look normally . Althougjh , for someone who has just woken up , I look like I haven 't slept in days . Whats that ? Seems like my clothes are torn open near my shoulder . I must have been attacked by a dog . Funny , I don 't see a dog . I search the house for some kind of clue as to who I might be . Every picture frame includes people I don 't recognize and the same two people appear in a large percentage of the pictures . Must not be my home . But , what was I doing in the basement when the owners are not here ? Perhaps I 'm a friend or maybe even a thief . I guess that my being a thief would explain my torn clothing . Well , if I am a thief , let me get out of the house before the owners find me . I exit the house only to find that there is not a soul in sight . The streets are filled with garbage and broken vehicles . What happened here and why was I left behind in all of this mess ? I can only hope that i 'm not the cause off all this mPosted by Seeing signs that somebody out there is still alive gave me great satisfaction . I started to believe that things might get brighter for me in the days ahead . It was dusk out when I pulled onto my street and parked my car in the driveway . Upon stepping out of my car and closing the door I immediately felt as though my heart had stopped for a split - second . All I could hear is loud barking coming from my backyard . It was Pippo and I knew it ! I took my 9mm off safety and ran to the backyard without even thinking what could be back there waiting for me . All I knew at this point is that my last remaining buddy was distressed over something . I ran down the long driveway and much to my dismay my backdoor was open . Now at this point I started crying , but only because all I could think of was the worst case scenario . How could I not think that ? Entering the house I knew that I had locked Pippo in my room and so maybe he was just nervous . Step by Step : I entered the kitchen through the backdoor and noticed nothing was touched . Passing through the kitchen I heard a bang from upstairs . It is at this point my hear rate is at its peak . Upon reaching the top stairs it was the worst sight I had ever seen . Three zombies were standing right outside my bedroom door . It was locked and I made a fatal error . I didn 't check my back while going up the stairs . I heard steps behind me and turned around to see there were two adult male zombies making their way up the staircase . In my mind I knew this could very well be the end of my journey if I didn 't make every shot count . My hockey stick was in the car and all I had was the 9mm and whatever else I can get my hands on in the house within reach . These two zombies were clearly athletic and would be more than capable of keeping up with my speed . I knew I had to take them out first as the other three haven 't noticed I arrived yet . I fired down the stairs hitting one undead in the nose and it dropped to the floor in front of the other which bought me maybe five seconds to shoot ahead by creating a stumbling block . Pippo 's barks were getting louder and I knew I had to make it to my boy before this were to be our end . I fired at the three ahead of me only hitting two and they dropped while the other now turned his attention to me and solely to me . There was one zombie behind me and he is now running up the stairs . At this point I am just in complete tears because let 's face it this is the end of me with only 5 bullets left and little room to run which is my strong point . I maneuvered into my parent 's room knowing there was only one way in and out . I slid in and pointed my gun to the door and fired directly ahead . . . Posted by I wasn 't always a zombie killing machine . It took a lot of time , and many , many horrible experiences to mold me into the man I am now . Fear was a piece of my skin that I had to shed a long time ago . In times like this , a man cannot afford the luxury of fear . Emotional ties also had to be severed . As I walk alone , I feel like I 'm walking on a road to hell , or at least through hell . But like I said , it took a long time for me to get that first kill under my belt . I had come home two days after the outbreak was announced . I had been away at a party out of state celebrating the New Year . The drive home was long and lonesome . I kept hearing emergency broadcasts on the radio , but there were not enough details to really understand what was going on . It seemed to me as if animals were going wild in the cities and spreading some type of infection . They kept talking about how bites and scratches spread the infection , and that we should stay away from any infected at all times . It took me about thirty miles of listening before I started to realize they were talking about people spreading this infection to other people , not animals spreading it . I really did not entirely understand what they were talking about . The details were sketchy , and the reporters seemed like they were in as much of a rush to get the hell out of the station as I was to get home . I knew I had to hurry , so I put my foot down and pushed my crumby Nissan as much as I could . I did about 110mph the entire way on the I95 until I reached my exit . Luckily there were no cops to pull me over . I honestly don 't know if that was a good or bad sign , but I didn 't have time to worry about that . My eyes and my brain were not ready for what I was about to experience . From the highway exit to my house is only two blocks , but it was a virtual impossibility to make it the two blocks to my house . The road was absolutely littered with vehicles , trash , broken glass , cars set on fire , clothes and what looked like blood and … body parts ? What in the hell happened to CroAntonio " Left Behind " It seems to rain a lot lately . . . Then again , you begin to notice things you never noticed before when it plays a part in your survival . Maybe it hasn 't been raining a lot ? Maybe this is typical New York weather , but I had better things to think about before these wastes of flesh took over . Either way , the rain seems to keep them at bay . So as far as I 'm concerned , let it pour . 45 days has passed since I kissed my boyfriend goodbye , went to work and never returned home . I 've been working my way back , slowly . . . cautiously , moving from apartment to apartment . I 'm not interested in keeping these streets " clean " so to speak . I 'm interested in resources ; food , weapons , shelter . Not friends , allies or help . Luckily for me , I worked in a drug infested area - so weapons aren 't a problem . I have learned to use and gain access to everything and anything from shotguns to pistols to switchblades and can probably shoot a beer can from 2 blocks away - if given the right sniper rifle of course . In other words , stay the fuck out of my way . Did I ever think I 'd be this kind of girl ? No . But you do what you have to do to survive . And so far , I 'm doing something right . Through it all , hope and memories are what keeps me going - hope that things go back to normal . Hope that he 's waiting at home for me . I 'm convinced he is . And I hope he 's looking for me too . Then again , hope only goes so far and memories fade . And just like that , the rain stopped . . . . . . Shit . |
I don 't know why they are no longer a follower . Did I say something that they didn 't like ? Did they just decide that they had to downsize their bloggy world visits and started getting rid of those with the least seniority ? I think I know where they went . They went to Helene 's ! Why would I think this ? Because she has over 1000 followers ! That is amazing . I don 't think that I even know a thousand people in the real world , and I am positive that I don 't know that many in the bloggy world . Anyway . . . . yesterday was a crappy day at work . I am telling you that you should have to pass a test before you can receive a working uterus or sperm . I probably would not have passed , but that is besides the point , since I am at least trying to take care of my child . As soon as school / work is done for today , The Boy and I are headed home to grab a few things and then out the door we go . He is spending the weekend with the DNA Donor . Crazy Man and I are making our way to Nashville . We will be staying with his sister tonight and then tomorrow night we will stay in a nice ( really nice from the looks of it ) hotel . Crazy Man set up the trip for our six month anniversary . Actually , in calendar years , it is our second anniversary , but since we got married on February 29th , we have been saying that our one year is in 2012 when that date shows up again . We have a couple things planned , but nothing really grand at this point . We kind of take things as they come when we go do something like this . I am looking forward to it . I have been having really odd dreams lately . I don 't usually remember them , I just know that I have been having them and some of them are weird and some of them are scary . Matter of fact , Crazy Man said that I sat up yelling the other night . The only thing I remember is that I felt like someone was coming at me . Last night , I had a dream that I had frozen bacon in my hands and I was trying to get it to thaw while I was at school getting kids loaded on the buses . I woke up this morning to a ringing phone and my first thought was " huh . . . wonder how that turned out ? " Crazy , I know ! The Boy hasn 't felt so swell the past couple of days . I think he got the cold that I had last weekend . After some DayQuil dosing , he is starting to feel better . Earlier in the week we had a visit with some folks that deal with people on the autism spectrum . We had been there before where some testing was done , but we never heard anything from them . Now all of a sudden they give us a call because they want to put The Boy in to a program . I asked why now and not then . They told me that he was a bit young when he first came in for what they could do . Now , they feel that he is just about the right age . They told me that they would be working with him on some transition type stuff to get ready for the real world instead of the controlled environment of the school . And , I am having a rough day week so I will have to keep this short and sweet . I will be back tomorrow with a post that will work well for Fragmented Friday . Since that is the way I have been able to think this week . . . in fragments . Posted by The long awaited post has finally made it 's appearance ! ! Several weeks ago , I went to Jefferson City for a stupid wonderfully informative meeting related to my job . When we had arrived the night before , we were out and about looking for where this super informative meeting was supposed to be . We also had to find a place to eat supper . We had a GPS to guide us to where we were supposed to go , but sometimes they aren 't all that clear . And even when they are that clear , the streets themselves do not lend themselves to be driver friendly ! Now , something that big you would think that it would be kind of difficult to stumble upon . But that is exactly what happened ! We found an empty parking spot that had a sign saying that it was for a reporter . The governor was giving a speech at that moment in the building , so we figured that since we would only be there for a few minutes and if the reporter wasn 't already there , then evidently he wasn 't coming . As we were putting our cameras away and climbing back into the car , this guy comes driving by and starts yelling at us out his window about us being in his parking spot . He wasn 't very nice , so we took our time leaving . We nearly got ourselves into a fight on the stairs over a parking spot , but at least we got the picture ! I had visited there before , but I was young enough that I don 't remember a whole lot about it . Other than the fact that my parents took me . And that we went into either the house or senate portion to watch and that I was nearly in tears from being afraid of heights . This time , I was still afraid of heights , but was able to get some cool pictures . My friend took some neat ones too of places that I would never be able to take them . But , just watching her lean over the railing and taking pictures made me break into a sweat ! I was teasing one of my fellow travelers about giving Walter Cronkite a kiss when we happened across his bodyless head . She was a bit too short though . But , when we found Harry S Truman , there happened to be several chairs stacked up next to him which made for the perfect height for this : We had several people gawking with open mouths and shaking of heads watching and laughing at us . We even laughed and said that we should have t - shirts made that read " Don 't laugh . I 'm from the sticks " in big bold letters on them ! On Valentine 's Day I got a text message . Lots of folks out there did I am betting . This one , however , wished me a " Happy valentines day , sweetie . " Still not an unusual text to receive . But this one came from a number that I did not recognize . And neither did Crazy Man . I sent them a text in return to let them know that I appreciated the message , but that both my husband and myself were curious as to who the message was from . When I didn 't get a response , we assumed that the sender was kicking him / herself because they sent it to the wrong number . So , we just laughed about it and carried on with our lives . On Saturday , we were eating when I got a text message . This one wished me a " Happy birthday , sweetie . " Again , not unusual since it actually was my birthday . But it was from the same number as the valentine 's message . The one that I didn 't recognize . I thought it was funny . Crazy Man ? Not so much ! I just laughed and sent a message back letting them know that we obviously knew each other but that their name was not showing up . I then asked if they could at least give me a clue as to who they were and thanked them for the birthday wishes . Crazy Man wanted me to immediately call the number . I told him that I may still not know since they didn 't have to answer the call . And , if they didn 't have a voicemail set up , then it still wouldn 't give him the answer that he wants . He then went to the internet to see if he could track down the owner of the number in that manner . He could . . . if he paid . He decided that it wasn 't worth that much ! He tells me that he is not a jealous man . Seems to me that he is a bit more jealous than he thinks he is ! Would I like to know who it is that sent me those messages ? Sure . But not knowing is also fun . Last Tuesday , one of the teachers had a birthday here at school . Another teacher ( who happens to be a fabulous cook ) brought in a big pan of brownies to celebrate . Silly me felt left out when there was nothing brought in to celebrate my birthday . Maybe if my birthday had been on a weekday ? Then , my Crazy Man called my grandmother to tell her that it would really mean a lot to me if she and my grandpa ( whose birthday it also was ) would go out to eat fish like we have done the past several years . She told Crazy Man that Grandpa wouldn 't want to go . I don 't think she even mentioned it to him . My parents and in - laws ended up going to eat fish with me and Crazy Man . The Boy stayed with Little Little Brother at Big Little Brother 's house because he is allergic to fish and didn 't want to go if he couldn 't eat anything they had . The fish tasted wonderful , but not nearly as good as it would have been if my grandparents had been there too . I know that doesn 't make any sense , so this is the explanation for that . On Wednesday , a guy that Crazy Man knows was to bring by a 15 ton load of gravel to drop on the lane up to the city house . This lane has just turned to mushy mud with all of the rain / snow / icky weather and we were hoping that this would do some good . The guy told him that he would bring it and spread it , just like he had done in the past . When we showed up to look at it that evening , it had been brought and dumped , but not spread . The worst part was that the guy had spread about 10 feet worth , but then just dumped the rest of it in 4 different piles . We couldn 't even get a vehicle up to the house ! Crazy Man called and told the guy who then said that if Crazy Man and his father couldn 't get it all spread by hand , to let him know and he would bring the tractor over to spread it . Do you know how long it takes two men to hand move 15 tons of rock ? ! Yeah , well , neither do I because they gave up after about 4 hours . Crazy Man called the guy who said that he would bring the tractor over to spread it all out on Saturday morning . And now , here it was Saturday morning and he is calling Crazy Man to tell him " you can come get the tractor , but you can only use it for an hour because I need it back for another job . " Let me tell you . . . . I was a bit ticked off . He did nothing that he said he was going to do other than bring the rock . So , Crazy Man and his dad left to go get the tractor . That was at about 10 am . They were finally able to get everything spread out and the tractor returned and them home about 1 : 30 . Once he cleaned up a little , we needed to get something to eat . Now I know you have seen those commercials advertising that you get a free Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny 's on your birthday , right ? Yeah , so had I . We happen to have a Denny 's in town , so that is where we headed . I told the girl that it was my birthday and she asked to see some ID . I showed her my license and she took off $ 2 on the bill . I asked her if I got a free breakfast or not . She told me that she would have to go talk to the manager . I know . Didn 't make sense to me either . Crazy Man said to not worry about it and she rang it all up . That meal for the three of us ended up costing $ 22 . 50 . Not bad for a free meal , huh ? ! When we went out to leave , I noticed a big sign in the window advertising the free meal . I stood there and read every single word on it and nowhere did it say the word original . I went to the truck and asked for the receipt but was told it was no big deal . I insisted by saying , " this is my birthday and if I want to pitch a fit I will . They promise a free meal and I want my free meal . " I went back in and asked for the manager . She told me that it was only for the original . I told her that there is nothing in the advertisements that say that . She then told me that " it is in the fine print . " I told her that I stood outside her restaurant and read all of the fine print , but still nothing with the word original to be found . I told her that all I wanted was what was promised . She finally found my ticket and told me that she would fix it . She ended up giving me my free meal and our drinks for free . She must have done more than that though , because when she finally presented me with the final bill , it came to a grand total of $ 6 . 50 ! She said that the initial bill was incorrect to begin with . So , three hours later , we are at my grandparent 's house to have supper with the whole family . The bad part about this was that even though it was partially my birthday supper too , there was not much I would eat . And they knew it when they were deciding what to make earlier in the week . Luckily , Crazy Man discovered this and his mom ended up making a rotisserie chicken that she brought , knowing that I would at least eat some of that . She also made a carrot cake with cream cheese icing from scratch because they were also not having any type of dessert that I liked either . Yeah . Nice , huh ? I did get some nice gifts though . My grandparents gave me some money . My parents got me a couple of cookbooks that were neat . ( Not that I can cook , but I do like to look at them and wish that I could make things in them ! ) My in - laws got me a gift card to Barnes & Noble plus some Bath & Bodyworks hand soap and some blackberry jam . ( Crazy combination , but great nonetheless ! ) Crazy Man and The Boy got me a new stereo system for the car since mine has decided to keep my CDs for itself . Now they have to get the right parts to get it installed and take apart the old one to rescue my six CDs . All in all , I am glad this birthday is over . It didn 't turn out as well as I would have liked . But at least we all lived through it and it is done . Maybe next year will be better . Hopefully anyway . On Wednesday , Crazy Man came home to tell me that he was definitely getting old . I asked him how it was that he finally came to this conclusion . He told me that he had found a couple of gray chest hairs ! I just laughed at him . He also told me that he had made himself look like an idiot on Wednesday . Says that he told a couple of people that they had some dirt on their forehead . I laughed at him about that too . He said that in his entire life , he had never seen folks with an ash cross on their foreheads for Ash Wednesday . I kind of figure it is because he doesn 't pay much attention he grew up in the city and not a close knit community where this is a yearly occurrence . I am hoping to get my Grandpa to go out to eat at one of the fish frys that take place every Friday night around this area to celebrate Lent . We have been going for several years on the Friday night closest to our birthday . This year , I am not sure we will be able to convince him to come out for it . My Grandpa and I celebrate our birthdays tomorrow . He will be 93 years old . I will be less than that . Although at times , I don 't feel much less than that ! I spent several hours last night at home filling water balloons . Why ? Because the big ending to our Pennies for Patients campaign is today and we sold water balloons to throw at our music teacher . I am hoping to have some pictures of it to post sometime next week . I may be the only person around who is not watching the Olympics . Is that a bad thing ? Does that make me un - American ? ! Hope not . It is not that I am not interested , because I am . Its just that I have so many other things to do ( like fill water balloons ) that I just haven 't had time . Another Thursday , another round of Dear Someone letters . All hosted by Short Mama . Gotta love her for that ! Dear Crazy Man 's Work : Maybe it is no big deal to you , but you forgot to ask those of us that this concerns . When you go from paying your employees every single Friday to every other Friday , and only give me two weeks to prepare . . . that is a major issue ! Yeah , that was awfully kind of you to offer an advance in pay to help get us through , but then to have that money taken out of the following checks actually helps not in the least . But thanks for thinking of us . Dear Me : Check the calendar ! I don 't know why I was so shocked Tuesday night to see that The Boy had an orthodontist appointment yesterday . After all , I made that appointment ! And don 't forget . . . . you need to get your driver 's license renewed . You only have until Saturday to get that done . Dear UPS Guy : Upon driving up my third of a mile lane to reach my house and seeing that I have a smashed up mailbox laying in front of my garage , do you really think that I will not assume that you are a complete idiot when you ask if my mailbox was destroyed ? Here 's your sign . Dear Cousin 's Guardian Angel : Thank you . I know that you have been working really hard with him lately , keeping him alive and all . I just want to recognize all of your hard work . It was just this summer that he nearly died from a supposedly easy little surgery . And , he was just in that same building a short time before the lady opened fire in Alabama . Dear Fred : Do you really have to sniff the entire yard ? We live on more than nine acres . . . and it is cold outside . Just choose a spot to do your business already . Dear Sinatra and Ziggy : The vet says you are fat . Not me . Not The Boy . We call you " fluffy " or something equally as nice . So we can only give you so much food each day . At least we try to spread out your portion so you don 't have to remember to save a little so you can have a snack before bedtime . You should love us for that and not complain that you are hungry . Ok ? Ok . Dear Short Mama : I just discovered that it is your birthday . So have a happy one ! You know that all the great people are born in February , right ? ! Posted by I have been watching this blog for a while now and have finally decided to enter a picture . Actually , I wanted to enter one last week , but was unable to do so because of no access to a computer . After looking at a lot of the different pictures , it seems like several of them have been edited in some form or fashion . Or maybe it is just because they are better photographers than me and their pictures are just better all the way around ! Because I have yet to fully figure out Photoshop Elements , mine is not edited at all ! Happy Valentine 's Day ! I was going to write this in red , but didn 't know if it would show up . And if it did show up , then I a little nervous about how it would clash and all . So , if you are reading this in all of it 's typed black glory , just imagine it is in red ! And have a great day with those you love and who love you back ! We were stranded at my grandparent 's house because of a massive ice storm that had passed through . He told me that he was going out to help his dad with some things and would be back later . My phone rang and it was someone that I did not know , but I had promised Crazy Man that I would answer my phone that day even if I didn 't know the number . I did and the lady told me to hang on for a minute . The next voice I hear is Crazy Man 's . He is telling everyone what it is that he loves about me . Hannity then introduces himself to me and asks if I recognize the voice . I tell him that I do . He asks Crazy Man if he had something special planned for Valentine 's Day . He said that he did , but he wanted it to be a surprise . About that time , he and his mother walk into my grandparent 's house . He was carrying a huge bunch of flowers and a ring . He gave me the ring box with a sucker ring in it ! Once we hung up with Hannity , Crazy Man got down on one knee and asked me again to marry him and he gave me my real ring . He said that he had to do it in person too since he wanted to give me the ring and see my face . I loved every little detail about the proposal ! I think the best part though was the fact that he had asked The Boy , my parents , and my grandparents if it would be okay if he asked me to marry him . I also liked the part where he did it for a second time in front of my family . My Grandma and Grandpa loved being there to see it . They sent us a couple copies of the proposal and we played one of them while the bridal party walked down the aisle at our wedding 15 days later ! I cried then too ! Matter of fact , I shed tears while typing this just now ! I used to not really like Valentine 's Day . Just another day . Now . . . . it is one of the best days of the year for me because of the memories it holds . Thank you Crazy Man . I love you ! It 's Friday ! Finally . And with that comes another edition of Friday Fragments hosted by Mrs . 4444 . Scoot on over there and read what others are saying ! I have been hunting around the internet looking for tutorials on how to work this crazy Photoshop Elements that I have managed to place my hands upon . So far , I have tried a couple of things with not very good results . But I am not going to give up ! It has to be easier than what I am making it out to be ! The Boy cooked supper last night . Although he had tons of help from me , it was his recipe that we used . He made it before with Little Little Brother , so everything had to be exactly the same way . Unfortunately , I didn 't have the exact same ingredients as he used before , so things had to be tweaked a tad to get it all to work out in the end . That threw him for a loop , but we made it work . What did we have ? He called it Chicken and Rice . It was chicken pieces cut up into some rice and mixed together with brown gravy . Not too thrilled with the actual look of it , but the taste wasn 't too terrible ! He did good ! Valentine 's Day party at school / work today . Yippee ! We have gathered about 115 pounds of change for Pennies for Patients so far . One more week to go ! I am just so glad that it is Friday ! And I have a three day weekend since Monday is President 's Day and we have the day off . Which means that I will probably not be back here until at least Tuesday unless I go somewhere . Guess I will see you then ! Posted by Today is another day of Dear Someone letters . Once again being hosted by Short Mama . And let me just say , this couldn 't have come at a better time because I have a few things to address ! Dear Mother Nature : What has gotten your panties all in a twist lately ? Are you and Father Time having an argument or something ? Should you really be taking it out on us defenseless folks here who are just trying to get by in life ? I mean really . . . . . how much snow are you gonna dump on everyone before you two kiss and make up ? Dear Tax Guy : Thanks for getting Grandma into such an uproar . You have her all worried and near tears now . I understand that you were just doing your job and trying to look out for her and Grandpa by letting her know that she should really have medical and financial power of attorney drawn up and that she needed to make sure that someone besides the two of them were listed on all of their assets to make sure it all stays out of probate once they are gone . I understand . But when you tell an 80 - something year old woman who has a 90 - something year old husband that this needs to be done , she starts to get a little upset . And I completely get why too . Thanks for reminding us that there may not be a lot of years left for them . Dear Grandma : Just because this tax guy told you to do all of the above , it doesn 't mean that you are going to die in the next few days . I am glad that you are getting it all taken care of , even though you thought everything was already in order . Guess with new laws coming into effect every year things change , huh ? Also , I know that you all have picked out your burial plots and even already have the headstone engraved with everything but the last date . . . but I don 't really want to talk about it ! And , please don 't tell me all the time that you think Grandpa is just " holding on until his birthday . " Remember that his birthday is also mine , and it will be here in the next few days . Dear Boyfriend : Give her a hug and tell her you love her . She needs those things whether she tells you she does or not . She just buried her father . Give her time . Dear Superintendent and School Board : I need a raise . Please . When we miss making the cutoff for free lunches by less than $ 100 a month , I need a raise . Thanks . Dear Me : Just a reminder that you have lost your mind . And it hasn 't been found yet . Probably because we don 't have the extra money to offer a reward for its return . Guess you will just have to learn how to function without it until some boy scout finds it and returns it out of the graciousness of his heart . I am losing my mind . I have to be . That is the only explanation for it . The only other thing it could be is that I am getting old . And that surely is not the case . Remember that report that I was supposed to do and then mail in last month ? Well , I did do it . I promise you I did . But now , these people that the report was mailed to want me to do it again . But this time online . Great . So I go to get the copies I made so that I can input the thing online . . . and I can 't find them . No copies anywhere . Where could they be ? I know that I made them . And I thought that I set them with the other papers that need to be filed . Nope . I have sent an email to the report requester to see if she will either fax or email a copy of what I sent in so that both the hard copy and the online copies are exactly the same . Guess I will have to see if she will do that or not . And , I was going to post pictures from Jefferson City today . Do you think I remembered to bring them with me to work ? Of course not . Wanna know why ? Because I am losing my mind ! They are forecasting more snow here . I am not happy with this little prediction . For one , I am going to have to figure out where to stay again . Do I pack and go into town ? Do I stay home and keep my fingers crossed that I don 't get stuck in the sticks ? Plus , if we get more snow like they are calling for , we may miss more work / school . Just one more thing that I am not excited about . We only have two more days they can take away from us before they start to add days to the end of the year . I fear that if I don 't come to school / work tomorrow and they take away or add more days from the calendar , I will definitely lose what little is left of my mind . Also if we are unable to come to school / work tomorrow , then how am I going to post a kissing picture for the I ♥ Faces contest ? I would have done it today , but again , I am losing my mind . I think it would be better if I didn 't know that I was losing my mind . Unfortunately I do know . And that makes it even worse . I just really don 't like the fact that I know what I want to do and how to get it done , but then realize that I have totally forgotten what it is that I am needing to get it done with . I just read over this post . And it looks like it should be a Friday Fragments post . Of course that is probably all directly related to the fact that I am losing my mind . It is that time of week again . Thank goodness ! Mrs . 4444 is hosting Friday Fragments ! Skip on over there to read everyone else 's noncohesive thinking for the week . Of course , you should do that after you finish here ! I tried to post something about my trip to Jefferson City with pictures and all , but the pictures wouldn 't load for whatever reason . I will attempt to do that next week . Maybe things will go better . I have been hunting online for tutorials to walk me through some of the things that can be done with Photoshop Elements . And I have actually used one of them to play around with making the eyes " pop " . I didn 't save it or anything because I also was messing around with the layer stuff and it didn 't really come out the way I was hoping . But , yay for me that I actually got it to do what it was supposed to do ! The Boy was the Lab Assistant during his Biology class this week . Every week , the teacher chooses someone who is keeping a nice binder full of the stuff she wants in it in the order that she wants it in there plus has good grades to be the Lab Assistant . For that week , the chosen student does not have to do any of the assignments for the class . On top of that , they are also rewarded with not having to take any quizzes or tests that there may be that week . Today there was a test , so The Boy was excited about not having to take it . This will be the first time that has happened . The last time he was named Lab Assistant , they didn 't have any tests that he got out of . He is excited about it ! As of today , on February 15th , The Boy will be going to meet someone who is working in the new Autism Center in town . They are supposed to be doing an " interview " with him and filling out some paperwork / evaluations on him . They have several programs that he may benefit from . We had gone through all sorts of evaluations about 18 months ago , but they said that he was kind of young for them to be working with . Matter of fact , I didn 't get all the reports until this Monday . They have now decided that they may be able to work with him now . Guess we will see what happens . And I am sure that I will be making posts about it as we go . My feelings were a bit hurt this week . My Great Grandfather had a fiddle that he would play when he was alive . He owned it before he ever married my Great Grandmother . One of his wishes was that it be passed to his first grandchild , which is my dad . Long story short , my dad has had the fiddle for about 30 years , but it was hidden away . I have always known about it and have asked numerous times to see it . I also said that at some point in the future , I would like to be the owner of it . Because of whatever reason , I had never seen it . Last week , Little Little Brother is carrying it around . Literally . Picking it up , handling it , everything . Yeah , it bothered me . Still bothers me if you wanna know the truth . Not much I can do about it I guess except sit back and nurse my hurt feelings . The plan is to try to find out how old this fiddle is . My Grandfather will be 93 soon . And it was his father that owned it . We are fairly certain this fiddle is over 100 years old . And they were letting a 17 year old boy carry it around ! No big major plans for this weekend . With it raining like crazy here since yesterday afternoon , I am just hoping to be able to make it home and back out again ! I am keeping my fingers crossed that it isn 't flooded enough to keep me from getting home this afternoon . And , on top of that , the forecast calls for up to 3 inches of snow by Sunday . Not as much as this last weekend , but still enough . We had the second round of Fluoride Varnish put on a bunch of kids ' teeth today here at school . It was organized chaos . Have you noticed that nobody needs anything until you are fully involved in something that you will have a difficult time getting uninvolved with ? ! That is how today has gone . The first week of our Pennies for Patients campaign has finished today at school / work . We have collected a total of 43 . 25 pounds of change so far . I have no idea how much actual money that works out to be since we are going by weight . At the end of the three weeks , I will take it to have it counted and will let you know then . Next week , we will still be collecting money , but also having a hat day on Friday . Kids will have to pay $ 1 to get to wear a hat all day at school . For every dollar they give , their class total gets a half pound added . There ya go . Lots of things going on , but nothing really deserving of its own full sized post . ( Well , maybe the entire story behind the fiddle . . . . ) Hope everyone has a great weekend . I plan to be back here on Monday . As long as the weather holds out anyway ! Dear Crazy Man : I 'm sorry that I have been an absolute horrid wife recently . They tell me that it is my thyroid causing all sorts of issues and this is one of them . They promise me that it will get better once all the meds and stuff are working like they are supposed to be working . I am trying . But , is it really a bad thing to have to take an anti - depressant ? I haven 't filled it yet because I know that you don 't want me to take it . However , just remember that I am not really like that chick you used to know many years ago that was actually crazy and taking meds . This is just a short term thing that will be fixed once the docs fix my thyroid . Dear Mail Order Prescription Place : I called you the other night to get my asthma meds refilled only to find out that you won 't fill them because even though there are refills left , you say the actual prescription is too old . I don 't believe you . It was written less than a year ago . How can it be too old ? ! Now , thanks to you , I will be out of the medication that has kept me under control for so long . And , unless you pick up the pace and get those meds to me , I will have no more as of Saturday night . And even though I have been told that blue brings out the color of my eyes , I don 't think blue as a skin tone would be nearly as pretty . Dear Parents : Please do not send your child to school sick . Especially after I sent them home the day before with a fever and a note telling you that they have to be fever free without medication to keep it down for at least 24 hours . Please . And while we are at it . . . if the child in your care has seizures and needs anti - seizure medications while at school , please send the medicine to school for your child . And if you forget to send it , at least be available to be reached so that you can bring it in . Dear Photoshop Elements People : Thank you so much for making such a great photo editing program . You all are wickedly smart to be able to do something like that . If only you were also smart enough to include some instructions with the software . Dear Big Truck Driver : Do you realize that you nearly squished my carload of people into a police car as you ran that red light ? Yeah , the red light that had been red long enough for both myself and the officer in the lane beside me to actually hit the gas and get into the lane before you decided to turn in front of us . I am sure that you know this now since the officer saw the terrified looks on our faces and flipped his lights on to pull you over as he changed his mind to follow you instead of going wherever he had been headed . Dear Friend 's Ex : Driving with your two kids in the truck at 7 : 30 in the morning , being pulled over by the police and blowing over 2 1 / 2 times the legal limit for alcohol ? Really ? ! And you thought this was an okay thing to do ? Tell the judge that . Hopefully he will set you straight . Dear DNA Donor : I am still waiting on those EOBs from the insurance company . Yep . I am thinking that nine years would be long enough for you to have given those to me . After all , you receive them at least once a month . There is no way that you could honestly forget . Dear Child Support People : I have yet to understand how you people survive . Since I am almost certain that you folks are not truly smart enough to do so . Then again , maybe you all are so smart that I just don 't follow you . The DNA Donor is required by law to provide child support through you . I am just obligated to put it into my account . I didn 't choose for you to be in control . Why am I the one who is charged for you to accept money on my behalf ? Why do you not make him pay the extra money instead of taking it out of what he owes me ? And , supposedly when I call you guys to talk about the child support , you have no record of me . Huh . . . . Dear Lazy Check Drawing People : I have just been informed that according to the state , or the courts , or whoever , that it is perfectly fine for you to get a check in the name of your child every month for well over $ 1000 . All because he requires medication which you get for free but refuse to give to him so that you can continue to say he is disabled . I am going to assume that you are also the people who refuse to work , file income taxes and receive thousands of dollars in return . How does that happen ? ! Crazy Man and I each work full time and for the past couple of years have had to pay more in than what was held out of our checks . And you sit at home getting free food and housing and medical care , dressing better than I do , driving a nicer vehicle and not paying a dime into the system . . . getting huge income tax returns . Keep it up and I will have to get a second job just to support you . ( Which makes me wonder why it is that I can 't claim you on my income taxes since I am providing everything you need to live . ) Congratulations . You have figured out the system . Pass it on to your children so that mine will have to support them just as I am supporting you . Maybe by then the IRS will decide that he can claim them also . It has been a few days since I was last here . But , we didn 't make it back to school until Tuesday and then I was working on getting things caught up . Amazing how if you aren 't at work on Monday , you have to do double on Tuesday even with no kids at school either . And , I know that it is early in the afternoon now , but I guess better late than not posting at all , huh ? ! We were expecting all sorts of snow to hit us last Thursday night . Did it ? Nope . Not a flake to be seen . And yet we didn 't have school . Of course the one in charge of calling school off didn 't do so until I was ready to walk out the door ! By that time , there were already staff members at school , most on their way , and kids outside waiting on the bus . It was a cluster for sure . It did start to snow later in the morning , but at bedtime , we had not gotten nearly the 4 - 8 inches like we were told we would have at that point . I did get some nifty pictures while it was snowing though . I love the little squirrel ! That one and the two of the male and female cardinals were taken through my grandma 's kitchen window . On Saturday morning , this is how much we woke up to : Yep , 7 . 75 inches was the official total . My dad stuck a ruler into the snow on top of my car just to see . He then told me that I needed to go take a picture of it . So , a picture I took ! Unfortunately , this happened to be the weekend that The Boy was with the DNA Donor . He said that where he was , there were five foot drifts at some points . I thought that was kind of interesting and would have made for some pretty nifty pictures ! Because we were getting a lot of snow being forecasted , most of my family headed over to my grandparent 's home . They live in town and those of us who live in the sticks didn 't want to get stranded , so we went to her house . I convinced Little Little Brother to stay with us instead of at Big Little Brother 's house since this was all supposed to be here to play in on Friday . There we found a decent sized hill where we began to pack it down so we could sled . We played for three hours , just the two of us ! Near the end of our playing , Crazy Man came up with the camera . I took the ones all the pictures except the ones that have me in them . We made a nifty little bump that we could jump , as you can tell . This is how we rode down the hill together . It wasn 't too bad . . . . until we hit that bump ! That is how I got all the bruises . And yes , there are plenty ! We also were playing Criss - Cross . Little Little Brother and I would head down the hill at the same time , but he headed toward the bump and I would bypass it . We would see if we would miss each other or if we would collide . Most of the time we missed each other . But there were a few times that we didn 't ! On Sunday , after The Boy got home , we went back to the sledding hill . Let me tell ya . . . . after a night of freezing , those paths we made were even faster ! We only spent an hour or so on Sunday because the sun was quickly going down once The Boy got home . But we still had a really good time ! Posted by This disclaimer is to make sure that you understand just what it is that you are getting into by visiting here . What I say is my opinion and mine alone . If you are not happy with my opinions , fine . You are more than welcome to tell me about how yours differs , just don 't tell me that I am wrong because an opinion is never wrong . This blog is for me to get out all my thoughts and feelings since actual adult conversation is not a daily occurrence . Plus , speaking my mind is so much less work than hunting for new places to hide the bodies . And it is a lot more legal too . Thanks for visiting ! I am a mom , wife , daughter , granddaughter , sister , aunt , nurse , who loves her kid , husband , family , cats , occupation , and home . I have been known to have an odd sense of humor and sometimes feel that if there were cameras following me around I could have my own comedy show . I want to live long enough that I can say whatever I want to say and not get into trouble because of it . This is the man who was crazy enough to marry me . He loves both me and the boy to extremes . He is a city slicker who drives a truck for a living , has an addiction to Harley Davidson motorcycles and is not quite sure yet about all this country living . This is my boy . He is 15 years old and is a freshman in high school . He has been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum . He does have some difficulties , but we work around them . He loves Curious George , his cat , computers , video games , science , and learning new things . Named when he was just a baby for his big blue eyes . Lost the sight in the right one and will forever be an inside cat . Loves his mom ( me ) . Can be found hiding under the covers on the bed when company comes . Ziggy Original name was Zigawa ( after the place in The Curious George Movie of course ! ) but shortened to Ziggy after our tongues constantly tripped over that ! Loves The Boy fiercely and misses him terribly when he is gone . Fred Silly little dog . Moved in when his dad ( Crazy Man ) moved in . Drives the cats crazy . Barks at anyone who doesn 't live with us and thinks he is bigger and badder than he really is . |
Debbie Milke , born in Berlin , was placed in solitary confinement Arizona for 22 years after being falsely convicted of conspiring to kill her son . Following her acquittal , she discusses her experience in prison and a life destroyed by a miscarriage of justice . Photos Early in the morning on Feb . 4 , Debbie Milke was transferred to the Arizona State Prison Complex in Perryville near Phoenix . She sat in the backseat of a police car . As she peered out the window , it would be the last time she would see homes , trees and plants for the next 22 years . Then she describes what can only be called indescribable . " The closer we got to the building , the louder the women became . " Debbie purses her lips and makes fists with her hands . It 's as if she 's trying to strike at something in the air . Debbie lowers her gaze . She has no words to describe how she felt at the time . " I just kept talking to myself constantly : Stay calm , Debbie . They don 't know any better , and they don 't know the truth . " The walk to her cell seemed to take an eternity . Debbie was placed in cell 265 , in solitary confinement . Behind the blue door , the cell measured 86 square feet and contained a bed , a toilet , a sink and walls covered with graffiti . The steel door closed behind her with a clank , leaving her standing there in her cell , prisoner number 083533 , dressed in jeans and a light blue T - shirt , holding a few documents and a toothbrush in her hands . " I tried to breathe calmly to prevent myself from panicking . I kept telling myself : This place isn 't your home , Debbie . You 'll get out of here one day . This place isn 't the end . It smelled like cement and dust . The light was dim . The worst thing was the noise . My cell was above the wing where they kept the suicidal inmates . The women below me were constantly whimpering , all those years . " Debbie , now 51 , gets up from her brown armchair . Against her black T - shirt , her hair looks even whiter and her skin paler . For almost a quarter century , Debbie hardly ever saw the sun . She then demonstrates a so - called strip search . She extends her hands , rotates them , lifts her arms and exposes her armpits . She opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue . Then she folds down her earlobes . Finally , she turns around and lifts up her hair , bends over and indicates that she is pulling apart her buttocks , coughs three times and then points to the soles of her feet . By the time she is finished , her face looks drawn and tired . Debbie is still wearing an electronic bracelet around her right ankle . It is Sunday , March 22 , 2015 , the day before what is probably her most important court date . On the next day , the State of Arizona will have to officially admit that it was not Debbie who committed a brutal crime , but rather the state that committed one against her . According to the charges at the time of her trial , Debbie allegedly solicited acquaintances to shoot and kill her four - year - old son Christopher in the Arizona desert . A jury found her guilty , despite the lack of solid evidence against Debbie . The testimony of a dubious police officer sealed her fate . On Jan . 18 , 1991 , a court sentenced Debbie to death even though she was innocent . If the State of Arizona had had its way , she would have been executed on Jan . 29 , 1998 . Debbie was already being prepared for the execution in Perryville . " They call it a ' dry run , ' the test run for death . Electric chair or lethal injection ? What happens to my body ? Who gets my belongings ? As soon as an execution date has been set , you have to answer a lot of questions . That alone is enough to scare you to death . A dry run is a procedure based on regulations . At first , my cell was searched every evening to make sure I wasn 't hiding anything I could have used to kill myself . And then , suddenly , there was this doctor in a white coat . He tied off my right arm with a flexible tube and ran his fingers along my elbow . ' What are you doing , I asked ? ' ' I 'm checking to see how healthy your veins are , ' he replied . It was at that point that I realized they were really serious . And that 's when I fell apart . " Over the years , the Arizona justice system never managed to execute Debbie . Nevertheless , it robbed her of much of her life . Debbie , born in Berlin , was in solitary confinement for 22 years . She was treated like a monster , locked up in the labyrinth of the US justice system , a system in which the more you know about it , the less you understand . The United States has the largest prison population in the world . Almost 3 , 000 people are currently on death row , waiting to be poisoned , gassed or hanged , or executed in the electric chair or by a firing squad . She is sitting between her attorneys , looking nervous . Debbie is wearing a blue - and - black blouse and a necklace with a silver heart pendant . The inscription on the pendant reads : " Hear my soul speak . " Debbie is taken into an adjacent room . Her parole officer goes into the room , holding a bag and a pair of scissors . He emerges 10 minutes later , having taken off Debbie 's electronic ankle monitor and placed it in a bag . Photographers and cameramen are waiting outside the court . A guard offers to protect Debbie from them , pointing to another exit , but she declines . She uses the same approach she used in all those years in which many believed she was a child killer , the years in which her fellow inmates berated her whenever she was led through the corridors with shackles on her feet . " I just think to myself that there 's no one there and I keep going straight ahead , " she says . Today Debbie lives in Phoenix , in a house owned by a friend from Berlin . He first read about her case in SPIEGEL in 1998 , and he has supported her ever since . There 's fruit on the kitchen counter - - pineapple , blueberries and melon . At best , the only fruit she got in prison was the occasional apple or orange . Sitting in the armchair in the middle of her living room , Debbie describes what it was like to wait for freedom for more than two decades . A life with nothing to look forward to , thoughts of execution and what might be the last image a person sees before they die . She talks about what it feels like to return to a world that has seen so much change . Debbie speaks calmly as she relates her carefully organized thoughts and memories . Her parents met in Berlin , where her father was stationed with the US military . When he was transferred back to the United States about a year after she was born , Debbie and her mother Renate came along . But the marriage steadily deteriorated , and in March 1983 Renate moved back to Germany alone . Debbie 's younger sister Sandy remained with their father , who was now working as a guard at a prison in Florence , not far from Phoenix . Debbie went to college in Phoenix , where she shared an apartment with a female friend . " We were 19 , our parents were far away and we were crazy about boys . " On a Friday evening in April 1983 , she went to a biker bar , where she met Mark Milke , a floor installer whose parents were from Hamburg . He was athletic and well groomed . " I was lovesick , " says Debbie . She soon noticed that Mark drank and smoked pot a lot . " But I thought I could change him , " she says . One day , Debbie found a bag in the garage . It contained needles , a white powder and a bent spoon . She angrily confronted Mark , and a short time later she found him in the bath , looking half - dead , with a needle in his arm . At some point , Mark shouted at her : Take your kid and get out of here ! He pushed Christopher out the front door , and the little boy wet his pants . Debbie took the child 's hand , ran down the street and hid behind some garbage cans . As she recounts the story , the little boy said : " Mommy , can you buy me some cowboy boots ? That way I can kick Daddy the next time he 's so mean . " Debbie , at her wit 's end , could only think of one person to turn to for help : Jim Styers , a neighborhood acquaintance . He was friendly and had a two - year - old daughter . She called him from a gas station and Styers told her she could stay in one of the rooms in his house . On Dec . 2 , 1989 , Styers asked Debbie if he could borrow her white Toyota and drive it to a shopping center . Christopher wanted to come along , so he got up and put on his new cowboy boots . " See you later , alligator , " Debbie said . " After awhile , crocodile , " the four - year - old boy replied . It was a standard goodbye ritual . And then they left , the veteran and the child . " Jim called early in the afternoon . He wanted to know if I had heard anything from Chris . He said that he had lost the boy . I shouted : Jim , you have to find him . Jim ! He said that he was already talking to a security guard . My head was full of grim thoughts . I thought of child molesters . I panicked and called my father . He told me to calm down and call the police . So I called the police . Police officers showed up in the next few hours . I hoped that Chris , who knew our number , would call soon . I was starting to go crazy . " Debbie drove to her father 's house in Florence that night . The police officers had promised to watch the phone . She took a pill and fell into a deep sleep . When she woke up the sheriff was there . He told her that the Phoenix police wanted to speak to her . " He took me to the sick room at the police station in Florence . Then a big , fat man dressed in civilian clothing came into the room . He sat on a chair and rolled the chair around the table and towards me , until his face was only a few centimeters away from mine . I was sitting with my back against the wall . He put his hands on my knees and said that Christopher was dead , that they had found his body in the desert , and that I was under arrest . All I could do was shout : What ? What ? The man asked me if I wanted the conversation to be recorded . I said : ' No , I need a lawyer . ' Then he took me to Phoenix in a car . As I stared out into the night , I couldn 't believe what was happening . I thought that he might be taking me home now , but we drove to the police station in Phoenix instead . There , he put me in handcuffs and took me to a jail . I don 't remember much about the days I spent there , but a young public defender turned up soon . I asked him : Is it true that my boy is dead ? He looked at me with a stunned look on his face . ' How is it possible that you don 't know ? ' he asked . ' You confessed to arranging the murder . ' " Debbie 's attorney was a typical , inexperienced public defender . He had never been involved in a murder case . In fact , he had only worked on a handful of criminal proceedings . While he sat with her , a grand jury appointed by the district attorney voted to charge Debbie with murder . She didn 't know what had happened . A detective named Armando Saldate had questioned Styers and Scott . He was a specialist in interrogation with a reputation for being able to make people confess . He was the " big , fat man " Debbie had described . Saldate took Styers to task , but he remained silent . Scott , on the other hand , was softer . Saldate asked questions and kept pressing him until he began to talk . The only problem was that he was telling several different versions of his story . Yes , Christopher was dead , Scott said . He also knew where the boy was , he added . He claimed that Styers had shot the boy and that he himself had only driven the car . He said Styers couldn 't stand the boy , and that there had also been a life insurance policy on Christopher worth over $ 5 , 000 . Scott directed the police officers northward . Along the way , he told a different story , saying that Styers hadn 't intended to kill the boy , but that Debbie had hired him to do it . He didn 't reveal why . Saldate first typed his report three days later , six - and - a - half single - spaced pages , containing the alleged confession of Debbie Milke . He wrote that she had cried and shouted during the interrogation , but that " no tears were visible , " that he said he " would not tolerate any lies . " According to the report , she then said , " Look , I just didn 't want him to grow up like his father , " and , " I just wanted God to take care of him . " Saldate claimed in his report that Debbie " spoke to her friend Jim about helping her figure out a way for her child Chris to die . " And when Jim and her son left , " She knew that they were going to do it today . " The report also alleges Debbie told her son on the day of his death that " God was coming down and going to take him and that he was going to be going to heaven . " The problem with the transcript was that Saldate had not brought a witness to the interrogation . He also didn 't record the sessions , and he threw away his notes , he later claimed . Debbie says that he had twisted her words around and invented a lot of things . It was quite possible that she had said that she didn 't want Christopher to turn out like his father , but was that a reason to ask Jim to kill her child ? That 's nonsense , she says . Never . Jim Styers never testified against Debbie . And Roger Scott never repeated his accusations . Police found the murder weapon , a pistol , in a closet in Scott 's home . Debbie spent the remaining time until her trial in the prison 's psychiatric ward , tormented by depression and panic attacks . She could only remember that Christmas decorations were put up at some point , she says . At most , she spoke with her attorney and her psychiatrist . He taught her how to breathe when she was hyperventilating during an anxiety attack . Debbie 's trial began on the morning of Sept . 12 , 1990 . She was taken in handcuffs and shackles to a room at the Maricopa County Superior Court . Photographs taken at the time depict a young , 26 - year - old woman with a blank expression and her blue eyes wide open . " I felt like I was looking at everything through a curtain . They had given me a sedative , which made me less aware of my surroundings , although I wasn 't afraid of the trial at all . On the contrary , I was looking forward to it , because I was sure that everything would finally turn out to be a huge mistake . I was so incredibly naïve . " Judge Cheryl Hendrix , a woman with a stern look on her face , presided over the trial . She had recognized Saldate 's report as a confession and as evidence , even though Debbie had never signed it and continued to dispute its contents . Archival images show the police officer wearing a suit and tie , and facing a microphone . " She decided it would be best for Christopher to die , " he said . When Debbie thinks about that day , she closes her eyes . " I had to be quiet . But everything in my head was screaming : Liar , you 're a goddamned liar . He was so overbearing , so unbelievably arrogant . And he was allowed to describe in detail all the things I had supposedly confessed to him . But the district attorney drove me into a corner . I felt as if I were in Russia , not America . I was only allowed to answer questions with yes or no , and I couldn 't explain anything . And yet there were so many things that needed explanation . The fact that Jim was always good to Christopher , and that I had no reason to distrust him . That I didn 't know that Roger Scott would join them on that day . That I wasn 't the one who had bought that life insurance policy , but my employer , and that it was a routine thing . Everything seemed so unreal to me . My soul couldn 't bear it anymore . " Debbie 's father Sam and her sister Sandy , however , did testify in the trial . Her father said that Debbie had always been selfish and should never have been allowed to become a mother . Her sister claimed that Debbie had abused Christopher , burning him with a hot baking sheet to discipline him . " I stared at Sandy the whole time and wondered : What have I done to you to make you hate me so much ? She was always jealous of me . She probably enjoyed getting even with me . I don 't know . But when it came to my father , I thought : Why are you saying these things ? You know me ! As a soldier , he probably couldn 't imagine that a police officer would lie . But the really bad thing was that the judge overruled every objection from my attorney . She also denied all requests to have me take a lie detector test , as well as to question my friends and Chris 's pediatrician . Shortly before his death , he had spent four weeks in a hospital because of his thyroid . The doctor had affirmed that he was touched by how much I had cared for Chris , and that there were no signs whatsoever of abuse . The judge was also uninterested in the prison psychiatrist 's assessment . No wonder , because he thought I was innocent . " " I still remember how my attorney bent over to me and tried to calm me down : ' They definitely won 't sentence you to death , Debbie . ' But he told me to remain calm if I heard the phrase ' life in prison . ' He said this would be just a formality and that he would definitely get me out sooner . It wasn 't until 22 years later , in March 2013 , that the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals shot down the verdict and Saldate 's report : " Without Saldate 's testimony , the prosecution had no case against Debbie , as there was no physical evidence linking her to the crime and neither of her supposed co - conspirators - - Styers and Scott - - would testify against her . . . . The only evidence linking Debbie to the murder of her son is the word of Detective Armando Saldate , Jr . - - a police officer with a long history of misconduct that includes lying under oath . " The appellate court judges listed many cases prior to Debbie 's trial in which Saldate had lied , used unorthodox methods to obtain confessions , broken the law and framed suspects . In one case , Saldate obtained a confession from a man who was in the hospital with a fractured skull and couldn 't even remember his own name . In another , he interrogated a suspect who was on artificial respiration , was being given intravenous infusions and repeatedly lost consciousness . Saldate shook the seriously injured man in order to get him to talk . The appellate judges were horrified by Saldate 's methods and the fact that his testimony had sent Debbie to death row . " No civilized system of justice should have to depend on such flimsy evidence , quite possibly tainted by dishonesty or overzealousness , to decide whether to take someone 's life or liberty , " chief judge Alex Kozinski wrote for the court . And then they really let loose : " The Phoenix Police Department and Saldate 's supervisors there should be ashamed of having given free rein to a lawless cop to misbehave again and again , undermining the integrity of the system of justice they were sworn to uphold . " Three weeks later , she was transferred to death row in Perryville . Ba - by - kil - ler , Ba - by - kil - ler . " I was allowed to spend one hour in the yard three times a week . They would put me in a cage with about four square meters ( 40 square feet ) of space . I hated it . I felt like an animal in the zoo . But at least I could look up at the sky , watch the planes go by and imagine who was sitting in them and flying in them . I always tried to sense the world outside the walls and fences . " " Maybe they were afraid of me , because they thought : She must be dangerous , since she got the death penalty . A few guards also felt similarly about me . I could sense their tension when they opened my door . First , they would always talk into their walkie - talkies and say : ' Opening Milke 's door . ' But over time they realized that I was completely harmless . " Three - quarters of a year after her arrival in Perryville , Debbie tried to contact her mother for the first time . She wrote her a 32 - page letter , dated Oct . 18 , 1991 . She sent it to her grandparents in Berlin , whose address she knew by heart . She spoke German as a child , but she had forgotten almost everything . She wrote on the envelope , in poor German , " Grandma and Grandpa , it 's not true . For my mother and Alex ! Please Grandma ! Please ! " Alex was her stepfather . " A short time earlier , the mother of my ex - husband died . It almost broke my heart to know that she had gone to her grave believing that I had had someone kill Chris . I didn 't want the same thing to happen to my mother . That 's why I wrote to her to explain what had really happened . Soon afterwards , I received a letter from her . She kept apologizing , because she had thought that I didn 't want to see her . She also wrote that she would help me . That gave me a lot of strength . " " I stole every moment of silence . The women below me were still asleep that early in the morning . The silence allowed me to put my thoughts into words . I wrote back to my mother , my friends and strangers who had heard about my case . And I also made notes about things I wanted to ask my attorney during his next visit . " At 10 o ' clock , she set aside the letters she had finished writing . Then she turned on the TV and watched " The Young and the Restless , " a soap opera in which two families struggle for power and recognition . They became ersatz families for Debbie . Debbie would read after lunch , when most of the other inmates napped . She read self - help books about the power of the imagination , Tolstoy 's " War and Peace " and " Man 's Search for Meaning , " by the Jewish psychologist Viktor Frankl , who describes how he survived life in a concentration camp . Her mother and friends were allowed to send her books . " I wanted to understand what enables people to persevere , because I was often amazed that I didn 't go crazy . I wanted to know where this strength comes from . At some point , I realized that we don 't know what we can actually endure until the moment when we have to do it . " In 1994 , Debbie took a paralegal course from a correspondence school . For $ 30 a month , she received study materials by mail . The money was deducted from her prison account , which consisted of money deposited by her mother and friends . " I wanted to gain a better understanding of what the lawyers were talking about , because I had only one objective : to get out . I wanted to find out who had killed Chris . And I wanted to expose Saldate , because I realized that I couldn 't have been the only one he had done that to . " To drown out the noise during the day , Debbie would sit on her bed and spend hours solving crossword puzzles and Sudokus . Or she would listen to music : meditation music , Metallica and Madonna . She used to do squats and sit - ups to her music . At 6 : 30 every evening , the window in her cell door opened and a tray was pushed through . Her mail would be placed next to her dinner . It was the highlight of the day . " Then I watched TV again . To find out what was in style at the time , I would occasionally switch on the Home Shopping channel . But I also watched a lot of documentaries about other countries . About circumcision rituals in Africa or about poverty in India . I remember this one report about an Indian family . They lived in a tiny , two - room apartment . They had nothing , and their four children couldn 't get enough to eat . That 's when I looked around and thought to myself : It isn 't really all that bad here . I have a roof over my head and a bed , and I get food to eat . From then on , I treated my cell as a room . Afraid that her clothing would be stolen , Debbie washed it herself , including towels . She would make face peelings with headache tablets from the prison shop and cut her hair with nail clippers . " But what I missed most of all was a real toothbrush . " " They were finished after you 'd brushed your teeth twice , but they only gave you a new one once a week . We were also not allowed to use dental floss , because it was supposedly dangerous , although we were allowed to use shoelaces . As a result , my mouth was full of bacteria after all those years , and my teeth started to come loose . " She reaches into her mouth and pulls out a pair of braces . Her real teeth haven 't straightened out completely yet . Debbie derived strength from the conviction that she would be released one day . But then , shortly after Christmas 1997 , she received a letter . It contained her execution date : Jan . 29 , 1998 . " All of our appeals in Arizona had failed , and we hadn 't received confirmation that our appeal at the federal level had been received yet . As a result , I felt that this execution date was a formality . But then it dragged on and on . And I had to go through that dry run . I called my lawyer and asked him when we could expect the confirmation from the federal court . He assured me that everything was going according to plan . And , in fact , the execution date was cancelled the next day . Still , I couldn 't shake the feeling that he really wasn 't paying much attention to my case anymore . Then I sat down and wrote to my mother , asking her to contact Mike Kimerer . I had read about him in the Arizona Republic , the local paper , which I received every evening . He had already won some of the most challenging cases . I needed him . " Mike Kimerer is sitting at a long mahogany table in his law firm . He has alert eyes and is a powerful man , even at 74 . Kimerer has an outstanding reputation as a criminal defender in the United States . He helped win the Miranda case in 1966 , involving kidnapper and rapist Ernesto Miranda . Since then , police officers have been required to read anyone they arrest their so - called Miranda Rights : the right to remain silent and the right to have an attorney present . Debbie 's case , says Kimerer , will have an equally strong impact on the American justice system . Sitting next to him at the table is Lori Voepel , a member of Debbie 's legal team . She was still in law school when Debbie was sentenced . " At the time , we all thought she was a monster . So did I . But now that I 'm familiar with the files , I know what a horrible abuse of justice we 're dealing with here , " she says . Voepel is an appeals specialist . She takes two pieces of paper and draws curved lines on the paper to represent the path through the labyrinth in which Debbie was trapped . Voepel draws lines from the original court in Phoenix to the appeals court in the State of Arizona , then to the Arizona Supreme Court , then back to the original court and back to the Supreme Court again . Then she draws a parallel line with her pen , to indicate that the case is now being heard in a federal court . Voepel needs a second piece of paper to continue drawing the line , this time to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals , familiar to hardly anyone outside the United States , even though this appeals court is one of the country 's highest courts . After Kimerer and Voepel took over the case from Debbie 's previous attorney , they visited her in prison . " She was in a dangerous situation , " says Voepel . " They had driven her into a corner , like an animal . We brought her back on track , but the most important thing was that she participated . Some death row inmates simply give up at some point and let themselves go over a cliff . Not Debbie . " In a 2001 letter , Debbie told her mother about what she called the " men in black " . They searched Debbie 's cell every three months , dressed entirely in black , wearing combat boots and facemasks with eye slits . " I really live in a hell , and no one really has any idea what that 's like , " Debbie wrote . " It was because of them that I didn 't have a photo of Chris in my cell . I was afraid that one of them would tear it up . And that he 'd say : Oops , that was an accident . But there were nice guards , too . I think some of them felt that I was innocent . It usually materialized when they asked me about my website , which my mother had set up for me . ' Debbie , I heard you have a website . ' Then I 'd take a long look at them and ask : So what did you do on my website ? And then they 'd smile at me or give me a wink . The nice ones also allowed me to roll my sock into a double layer for protection before they put on the leg irons . They had such sharp edges that pressed into your skin . " Debbie points to one of her ankles , which is surrounded by scars , as if she had been bitten by a dog . " I had always hoped to have a family again . But nothing was moving . I suffered from severe depression . Sometimes I would just sit at my little window for weeks , watching them build a highway on - ramp in the distance , watching the construction vehicles drive back and forth . I would often try to imagine what Chris would look like . What would have interested him . Would he have joined the army ? It took me a long time to accept that I would never be a mother again . In the end , it was a certain way of looking at things that helped me . At my age , I thought , many people are already in their second marriage and still aren 't happy . They live their lives in the rat race and they don 't have any time to think about the meaning of life . That time was given to me as a gift . I actually tried to see my lack of freedom as a gift , as a form of freedom . " Interactions with her fellow inmates also helped her , especially with a woman named Wendy . She lived in the cell next to Debbie 's during her last nine years in Perryville . Wendy beat her cancer - stricken husband to death with a barstool , for which she was sentenced to death . " Our cells shared an evaporative cooler . If we laid down on the floor , we could have conversations through the air vents . We talked a lot about philosophy . During the time when I was learning Spanish , I always said to her at around seven : Okay , I have to go to Mexico now . That was when I always watched a telenovela . " Toward the end of her incarceration , Debbie was allowed to have visitors for four hours every Monday . It was usually an elderly couple that came to visit , friends of her mother . Or her mother would visit , when she was in Phoenix . " Those were brief hours of happiness . I always asked her to tell me about what it was like outside , totally ordinary things . Unfortunately , I was never allowed to hug her . There was always a pane of glass between us . And it always broke my heart to see her go . But then I would tell myself : It 's okay , Debbie . You can 't get out , but one day you will . I almost derived strength from that sadness . I knew I would never have Chris back . But if I persevered , at least I would be able to embrace my mother again one day . It became all the more important to me when she got so sick . " " Now the pendulum is swinging back the other way , " he says , " and Debbie 's case is part of the reason . " With its ruling on Debbie Milke , the Ninth Circuit Court is forcing America 's prosecutors to present all evidence that could exonerate a defendant . Its decisions often set a precedent nationwide . " The court switched on the light , " says Voepel . " After the Ninth Circuit Court 's ruling in March , it was clear that I would be released . I said to Mike and Lori , my attorneys : Get me out of her . Please . Now . I don 't care how . They can put me under house arrest , and I can wear an ankle bracelet , but I have to get out of here . My mother had cancer . I knew she was going to die soon . And I wanted to hug her one last time . To do that , I had to waive my right to a speedy trial , and I knew it . But I didn 't care . " But it still took much too long until I was released . One morning in September , I received a visit in prison from Ronda , who worked on my defense team . I didn 't know what she wanted - - at least until she showed me my release papers in the visitors ' room . I was incredibly excited , and I thought I was dreaming . We had fought for so long . " Debbie was released on Sept . 6 , 2013 , on $ 250 , 000 bail and under strict conditions . She was carrying a paper bag filled with books and letters . A guard said : " Here you go . Good luck , " and then there she was , standing outside . " It all felt surreal . Mike and Lori were there . They took videos of me with their phones . I wasn 't afraid , but it was overwhelming . Everything was so gigantic , the trees , the houses . We drove into the cities , and I looked at the cars outside the window . It was loud , and there were people everywhere , many homeless . Everything seemed so strange . Mike had a little screen in his car , and I had no idea what it was for . And he could talk to anyone on the phone without holding the phone up to his ear . How did that work ? I felt like a stranger in my hometown . I only recognized a few street corners . It was as if I had been on another planet for a long time . We drove straight to Lori 's office . Then the officer came to put on my ankle bracelet . Wearing it was one of the conditions I had been given . I was looking forward to it , because I saw the thing as a part of my freedom . The officer was stunned . He said I was the first person for whom an ankle bracelet signified freedom . Then we went to see the friends of my mother who had always helped me so much . There were balloons in the air , and cake and roses . I have a photo that shows me smelling a rose . What a scent . " The friend from Berlin took Debbie to his house that evening . She couldn 't stand closed doors and still had no sense of what it was like to be outside , no sense of relative size , of distances and of space . In her years between prison walls and bars , the world had become too big for her . " I lie awake at night and delight in the ticking of the clock in the bedroom , and in the silence . There was nothing but noise , noise and more noise where I had come from . I also enjoyed the darkness , because the lights are always on in prison . " Shortly after Debbie 's release , her mother Renate flew to Phoenix . The mother and daughter hadn 't touched each other in 25 years . " We screamed and cried . It was a strange feeling to hug people and be hugged . I wasn 't familiar with it anymore . But I had told myself : Debbie , whatever 's out there , absorb it and let it happen . Go with the flow . " She flips open the laptop , which she now knows how to use , to show us photos from her mother 's last visit . Photos of her planting cacti in the garden behind the house , and having to brace herself because the cancer had already weakened her body . And her mother sleeping with Angel next to her , with one of the dog 's paws resting on her shoulder . Her mother had to return to Germany in March 2014 . " I still remember the day she left , because she had to go back to chemo . It was March 16 . We both knew it was the last time we would see each other . That 's because I couldn 't leave the country . It was one of the terms of my release . When I closed the door behind her , I broke down . " " She was sitting on the sofa the last time we had a conversation . She had wrapped a scarf around her head . Reinhard , her life partner , called out from the other room : Debbie , you have to be firm with your mother . She doesn 't want to eat . She just smiled and shrugged her shoulders . And I said to her : Mom , it 's okay if you don 't want to eat . She was admitted to the hospital a short time later . And one morning , when I called Reinhard on Sykpe , he started crying . I knew that it was over . " Debbie starts to cry . The long years in prison have strained Debbie 's psyche and her body . She lost the sensation in her fingers in Perryville . It was carpal tunnel syndrome , a condition involving pinched nerves , and she had to have surgery . The doctor said that it might have been caused by her writing in prison . She wasn 't allowed to use ballpoint pens , just the thin refills , because a ballpoint pen could be used as a weapon . " What good would it do to be angry ? Sure , there are so many things I could be furious about . But what would that change ? Nothing . I probably won 't live to be 100 . I can 't waste the rest of my life being angry . It 's more difficult for me to forgive - - my sister and , most of all , Jim and Roger . I do believe that Roger shot Christopher to death . Just because . The way other people torture animals . He was a cruel , sick person . " Roger Scott was convicted of murder and sentenced to death in 1991 , and Jim Styers in 1990 . Both men have appealed their verdicts , but have been unsuccessful so far . They are still on death row in the State of Arizona . " I don 't know what Mark did with it . I 'm not in touch with him . But somehow I know that he 's taking care of it . I know that he put up a cross in the desert where Chris died . But I 'll never go there . I couldn 't bear it . I have to look forward and make plans . I want to take a road trip and visit friends in Louisiana , Ohio and Virginia . I just want to stand there and say : Hey , I was just in the neighborhood . " She laughs . " And I want to apply for a passport , because I want to be in Germany in August . I still have family there , on my mother 's side . I want to live there . " It is now evening . Debbie steps out onto the terrace and looks up at the sky . She is free . She is no longer in a cage and she no longer wears an ankle bracelet . There is a light breeze . The sound of two wind chimes can be heard . Debbie chose them carefully . One is for the voice of her mother and the other is for the voice of her son . In the story , it is stated with certainty that Milke is innocent . This is not the case . She was found guilty by a jury and that sentence was overturned through the appeals process due to prosecutorial misconduct . This does not [ . . . ] In the story , it is stated with certainty that Milke is innocent . This is not the case . She was found guilty by a jury and that sentence was overturned through the appeals process due to prosecutorial misconduct . This does not mean she is innocent . My question is , why did these men take a boy out to the desert and execute him ? It makes no sense unless there was a financial motive and it seems that the insurance policy was indeed a factor . Please remember , just because the police and prosecutors did a bad job does not mean that she is innocent . 3 . False accusations resulting in a miscarriage of justice is basically the hallmark of the American judicial system . There are hundreds of prisoners sitting in solitary confinement , or on death row as a result of this sad fact . In so many cases such as the Federal Government who has a 98 % + - Conviction Rate , it seems innocent people when found during a trial , are not released but offered a " Plea Deal " . . . It seems President Obama is trying to change this , but faces opposition . In taking a persons life by caging them without a fair trial , would this really be any different than a terrorist group taking lives ? Someone wiser than I can possible answer this question ? |
What the hell ? I went to three restrooms on two different floors and every one of them was out of sanitary supplies . If this was something men needed you had better believe they wouldn 't always be out . Yet , when you go into the restrooms in any gas station or quickie mart you always can find condoms in the machines . They 're never sold out of those . What does this mean , that the average man or woman has sex less often than once a month ? I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut more . I think that is the biggest key to success in this organization . I am very well - qualified for my job and no one has ever complained about me . On the contrary , people write my boss and say what a great job I do on a pretty regular basis . I 've been asked to address a few industry meetings as an expert in my field . Still , I am regarded a little suspiciously as having a bad attitude . Sometimes I can 't control myself . A manager wanted to call a meeting of six people from three different departments so they could talk about having a meeting . I thought only in Dilbert did people have a meeting to discuss a pre - meeting . I asked why they didn 't just have the meeting and get it over with and everyone looked at me as if I had suggested building a nuclear reactor out of discarded chewing gum wrappers . Like most organizations this size , there are many people who are hired as contractors . I am one of the lucky ones to be a full - time employee with benefits , 401 k and all the rest . While contractors come and go at whim full - time employees are difficult to dislodge with anything short of a sledgehammer and a subpoena . My motivation came in part from this post on Kay Kenyon 's blog , arguing that good writing is really telling a story . There are a lot of stories in Calhoun , Missouri . If I ever write that novel , it will be titled " Some of this is true . " The story I want to tell , though , is about a child who didn 't grow like everyone else . Think about this for a moment . . . what would you do if you knew you were going to live for four lifetimes ? This is Sylvie 's story . ( I wrote the first page months ago and I thought I would finish it for my very own national novel writing month . ) It was precisely because she was not the rebellious type that Mamie had run off with a gypsy . Gram herself had been a strong woman , but somehow that blood never made it into her daughter . Mamie had always been scared of her own shadow , going along with whatever the loudest , pushiest person in the room told her , whether she agreed with it or not . So , it was no real surprise when the gypsy insisted that she come with him when the band left town that she packed her meager possessions and went right along . Fifteen years went by , years of traveling from town to town , doing as the gypsy bid her , before Mamie came through again , bringing her children , a girl of fifteen , a boy of ten and a toddler . Her mother welcomed her without much comment , hugged the children , and sat up evenings rocking and talking , catching up on their now separate lives . She hadn 't bothered to remonstrate Mamie . She was what she was , and no amount of lectures , well - meaning as they might be , would turn a rabbit into a wolverine . A few weeks later , the gypsy came back for Mamie and she left , as she had before , in the middle of the night , taking two of the children with her . She had been a bit taken aback when the child did not carry on or cry , did not even seem surprised , really . " She didn 't forget me . She left me here on purpose . " The grandmother had looked at the child in front of her , black hair carelessly cut short and ragged , head not reaching the table top , chubby legs far above the floor . She put on her spectacles and looked again . She fiddled with her gold medallion of the Divine Princess that she always wore around her neck , although that might as well as been a nervous habit as any magic . Then , she had taken a small blue bottle out of her pocket , shook it , looked inside and put it back again . Finally , she said " You 're not a dwarf . You 're not lyin ' . There isn 't any spell on you , and yet you 're not getting ' any older . " No one noticed a gypsy child at all , and even if they had , with the band traveling from town to town , if anyone had remembered there had been a baby with this crew three years ago , they 'd just think this baby was a new one . That made a lot more sense than thinking it was the same baby that refused to grow older at a respectable rate . No one did remember , though , because no one cared about a gypsy child . As for the gypsies themselves , they were outcasts and a child who was lame in one leg or blind was not only accepted but welcome . Such a one could be set out to beg by the temple and more than earn her keep . After a time , even the gypsies ' tolerance had worn thin . A small child who looked like a small child was of no particular use . When Cyndee , who had been born just a year before her had a child herself , the whispering became a little louder . Sylvie suspected that Cyndee had started it to throw the attention from herself . Even for the gypsies having a baby at fourteen was a bit off . It was not nearly as off , though , as having a ' baby ' around who was nearly the same age as the mother . As for the gypsy man himself - his name was Toff , not that Sylvie or Gram cared to remember it - he 'd started to push and shout at Mamie about her ' crazy child ' and how it was all her fault that the band was talking about throwing them out . One day when he was more drunk than usual he had threatened that if she didn 't do something about ' her freak child ' , he would . That was the day they had set out for the small cottage in Missop , waiting until after he had drunk himself safely into a stupor , of course . When she had finished this story , Sylvie had half - expected that Gram would call her a freak , push her and tell her she could not stay here and that she had enough to do taking care of herself . It 's what everyone else had been doing these past several years . Instead , the old woman had simply pulled another cinnamon stick out of her apron pocket , and stirred her tea for a while in quiet reflection . Finally , pushing herself away from the table she stood and said , " You 're here with me and here you 'll stay . I can teach you a bit about being a witch because a bit is all I know . I wanted to be a proper witch myself , you know , but it didn 't work out . I met that man o ' mine and witch isn 't a living for a married woman and mother , so I gave it up . We 'll tell the neighbors you 're two . I 'm not out much except for going to temple and all the people there are old and most o ' them half - blind . In a few years , when people might start to wondering , we 'll find you a place as an apprentice far north o ' here . Does that sound fair to you ? Well , there it is then . It was then that Sylvie had fallen in love with her Gram and decided she would do anything not to let the old woman down . Of course , over the years , as does any child , she had broken that promise many times , starting with the day that Shorty had called her a freak and she had punched him so hard she broke his nose . That was the day she and Gram had taken the trip to her first apprenticeship , at the hunting lodge in the northern woods . It was not , as Gram explained , a punishment for hitting Shorty , who certainly had it coming , but a sign that soon even adults would notice the child who wasn 't getting older . In a small town , ' different ' is never good , and there was reason that Gram had kept her knowledge of witchcraft secret . While burning witches was no longer within the law , that didn 't mean it never happened , especially this far from the capital where laws were made . Even though she was signed on as a cook 's helper , Sylvie had learned much in that first apprenticeship , how to set a trap , skin a rabbit ( though it made her sick to her stomach ) , stitch up a dog hurt in the hunt , throw a knife , and , of course , cook . It was a good choice of a place for a girl who did not want to be noticed . There were no neighbors , the guests were lords with their lady friends their wives pretended not to know about . No one was going to pay attention to a girl in the kitchen , especially since the ' older ' girls all came and went , often going with a child from one of the lords in their bellies . It was there , too , that she first killed a man . A band of outlaws had come to the lodge seeking easy loot , lined up all of the lords and taken their pick of the gold and jewels . Then they started in on the kitchen girls . Sylvie had slipped out the back door but a rogue had broken away from his fellows and followed her . She was nigh on to twenty but looked to be , at most , a smallish seven - year - old . When the outlaw climbed up the tree after her , she had thrown her knife as hard as she could . His death was more luck than anything else . He was coming up , the knife was going down and the two met in the middle , it piercing his eye . Automatically , he let go with both hands and reached to pull the blade from his eye socket . The fall did the rest . It took her three weeks to find her way home through the woods , always remembering that the sun set in the west . If the sun was going down on her left , home was in front of her . It was rather convenient that everyone believed her killed by the outlaws , more convenient than explaining how the daughter Mamie birthed twenty years past was still a small child . Sylvie had mumbled some excuse about how she wasn 't sure exactly , they never were much for celebrating birthdays not having parents around and all . Her answer clearly did not satisfy the witch . Before the mistress had time to ask more , Sylvie announced she had received a letter from home saying her grandmother needed her to come home , producing as proof the letter she had written weeks earlier in preparation for this moment . So it had gone for the past thirty years , from one apprenticeship to another , from one town to another . For a time she had even visited her brother and then her sister , both had married and settled down in a town with their in - laws , raising families of their own . She had helped care for their children , who looked to be no younger than Sylvie herself . Then , two years ago she really had received a letter saying Gram needed her at home . Without a second 's hesitation , she had gone . Apprenticed to a witch , a midwife and a healer , she had learned a great deal about cures for sickness , but , sadly , there is no cure for old age . Sylvie was wise enough to resign herself to making the old woman as comfortable as possible . She cooked meals that smelled delicious , even when Gram could not eat them . She made endless pots of tea , stirred with cinnamon sticks . She helped the old woman hobble slowly to the temple , leaning on her granddaughter on one side and her cane on the other . Gram had introduced her as " Sylvie " , the daughter of the grandchild who had been left behind years before . No one questioned the story . After all , who would believe that this was the same child who had been a toddler back when today 's selectmen and masters were not yet born ? On the day that Gram had breathed her last , Sylvie dressed her for burial , called at the temple and sent notice to the few elderly churchgoers , friends and neighbors who her grandmother had not outlived . She walked back from the temple with an even more elderly neighbor than Gram leaning on her arm . The two old women had often took hobbled back and forth to temple together . Now , the neighbor was left alone , awaiting her own soon - to - be fate . The entire walk she asked the girl about her family , her " mother " that had been left with the grandmother years before . Sylvie answered easily , telling about the farm , the husband , the other children . The old woman was satisfied , it had all the details and the ring of truth , which it should because it was all true , except for one tiny lie . The woman in the story was Sylvie 's older sister . It was a much more believable story than the truth , that the youngster from long ago was this same child walking beside the old woman now . When they reached the house , the neighbor paused and said , " Here I am getting ' on in my dotage . Your grandmother gave me these things when she first took ill . I was to give them to you if you didn 't make it back in time . You were so taken up with carin ' for her when you came back , and she was so sick , we both clear forgot , and here I am almost forgettin ' again . Wear this for protection . Don 't ever take it off . And , this , I believe it is a letter to where you should be goin ' next . " " Uh - hum . Yes , of course I know that . Not much escapes my attention in this town , you should know . I am , after all , the magistrate . It is about precisely regarding this matter that I have come calling . " Offended , the magistrate turned on his heel and stalked from the clean but humble cottage . Immediately , Sylvie began to stuff her few belongings into a pack , set to leave as her mother had those many years before . At least she would be exiting through the door instead of the bedroom window . On the other hand , her mother had someone she was leaving with , even if she didn 't know where she was going . Sylvie had neither , but she was damned if at forty - four years old she was going to be apprenticed to the village baker . Darlene lived at the end of our block . She dressed like Daisy Hazzard , but wasn 't one - tenth as good - looking . She made up for her big nose , tiny breasts and straggly hair with skimpy shorts , going bra - less under a tank top and a willingness to " give it up " for any boy who didn 't talk about it too much afterward . Her family being in the group everyone in town called " white trash " , her mother didn 't even blink an eye when Darlene dropped out of high school and started applying herself seriously to drinking and whoring . The third time she was in jail over the weekend for some minor offense - I think this one was public drunkenness - a fight broke out . In the end , a young woman was dead , beaten and stomped to death for some trivial reason no one could recall . Darlene was sentenced to a year in prison and faded from view . Priscilla and Cathy came from two other " white trash " families that lived up the street from Darlene . We all walked home from school together . It might be exaggerating it to say we were friends . We lived in the same direction and a group of girls was less likely than one walking home alone to have grown men in cars slow down and offer them a ride or a group of black kids from the other side of the tracks try to pick a fight . Yes , there really were railroad tracks running through town and yes , the whites really did live on one side and the blacks on the other . Unless you were really white trash , then you lived on the black side . Cathy and I attended St . Anselm 's School together right up through the eighth grade . She wasn 't any more attractive than Darlene but could she ever sing . Cathy had the voice of an angel and with some encouragement and luck she could have run off to Hollywood and become a superstar . Of course , her family was having none of that . She married right after high school . He was a boy two years older , who worked in the factory . They had four kids in half a dozen years and she stayed home , cleaned house , cooked meals and got fat . It was a very respectable marriage for Calhoun , Missouri . Unfortunately , after ten years , her husband was killed in an accident at the factory . Perhaps a big city lawyer could have gotten her a multi - million dollar settlement . Maybe not , though . It was rumored that the accident was at least partially his fault and , since he was dumber than a stump , I could believe it . There wasn 't any big city lawyer anyway , so all Cathy got was a widow 's pension and a letter approved by the factory 's legal department saying how sorry they all were . There is an almost irresistible temptation when someone escapes a place like Calhoun and becomes successful to rewrite history and claim that person was special even as a child . Steven Hawking was brilliant . Serena Williams was a great tennis player . Ask anyone now and they 'll tell you that I shone like a star next to Darlene , Cathy and Priscilla , that I was brighter , better - looking and more likable . That is why I escaped and they did not . I can 't speak for the others but I can definitely state in my case that almost all those stories told about me are lies . I was an unrewarding child . Possibly , I was cute as a baby , nearly everyone is . Definitely , as a child , I was not particularly attractive . I was short and stocky and neither I nor anyone else ever made an effort to " fix me up " . My hair was often uncombed , my clothes ill - fitting . Maybe I could have made up for it by being an obedient child , eager to please , but I was the opposite of all that . Other adults , my mother and teachers included , were inferior , ignorant , uneducated , undeserving of respect , or so my father always said . Despite everything , my mother tried to salvage her children , in her own way . She didn 't dare confront my father directly . He 'd beaten her down years before I came along . She took two steps to set us in the right direction . Despite my father 's mocking , she went to the priest at St . Anselm 's parish and asked if she could enroll her children there , rather than in Incarnate Word , where the few Catholic children in our neighborhood were supposed to attend . If anyone asked , she told them it was because she drove by St . Anselm 's on her way to work so it was easier for her to drop all of us off at school . Since it was considered a shameful failure for a married woman to have to work in those days , that was usually enough to get the subject dropped . At St . Anselm 's we received the same education as the children of the grocery store owners , physicians , lawyers and other town elite . It was a college preparatory curriculum , given that children of a certain social class are expected to go to college . In Calhoun , most would end up attended the same third - rate university where my father had failed out of graduate school , but that was beside the point . By the end of eighth grade , the children at St . Anselm 's were a year or two ahead of Incarnate Word kids in every subject . Of course , that was because kids barely on the white side the tracks were not very bright and had no work ethic . Everyone knew that , including all the teachers . The second thing my mother did for each of her children was get a library card . The public library would not give a card to anyone who could not print his or her own name to sign for it . By kindergarten , when we were still in the university town , I had managed to block out M - E - L in just barely legible letters . In one of the few fibs she ever told in her life , my mother informed the librarian that it was my nickname , short for Melanie . The kindly librarian agreed it was close enough and I was issued my ticket to the world there and then . Every Saturday morning , before my father woke up , we slipped out to the library , dropped off the books from the week before and came back home with as many as we each could carry . I quickly learned the least hazardous route - leave early in the morning when the tough guys were still sleeping off the night before , go the shortest distance possible to get to a " good " neighborhood and walk the rest of the way to the library at my leisure . I 'd usually spend all day at the library . That way , I could read two or three books while I was there and still have eight to take home . Besides , it had air conditioning . Mom did two things for her children ; got us into a good school and introduced us to the library . For me , it was enough . It didn 't keep me out of trouble , out of juvenile hall or out of the foster care system , but it did , in the end , provide an escape route from Calhoun . When I was very young , my father was in the military . I don 't know if his mental illness came and went or it was just that he came and went so we didn 't see evidence of it that often . Regardless , life was good , as children 's lives tend to be . My brothers and I did what kids do - played , fought , ate three meals a day and fell into bed at the end of it without a care in the world , ready to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow . On occasion , this strange man would appear , be around for a few days and then leave again . He said a few words to us , but on the whole , he took no more interest in his children than we did in him . Nothing is permanent in the military . The three of us , ( a fourth was added , nine months after one of those short visits from the stranger ) would come home from school and our mother would say , " Pack up kids . We 're moving to _____ . " It didn 't matter what was in the blank . It wasn 't like we had any choice . We even lived in a third world country for a while , with a maid , gardener , a couple of horses and even a camel . When war broke out , we were shipped back home to the United States . To us , it was an adventure , a chance to meet new friends , explore new vacant lots , get in new trouble and run like the devil when our mother caught us at it . It wasn 't until many years later that I heard my mother 's perspective on it all . She hated it . She hated having servants - " strangers in the house all of the time , no privacy , never any time to herself " . She hated the moving , the never being able to make friends or have nice things . My father went to college on the GI bill and for a few years we lived in a neighborhood full of students . Lots of mothers were working as secretaries to put the fathers through medical school , graduate school , law school . There was an air of superiority despite the fact that everyone was barely getting by . These were people in a top university and when they graduated they were going to go somewhere and be somebody . Everyone around us was anticipating a better life . Of course I was too young to even know the word " anticipating " , but I can tell you this , there is a difference living in a hopeful atmosphere . It 's almost as if you can breathe it in , the belief that the future will be better than today . When you are in that other world , where everyone knows that we are stuck here in an endless , hopeless , mindless repetition where tomorrow is just like today , it is just the opposite , it 's as if there is not enough air in the room . I should know . University ended . My father , who had always pretended to believe he was brilliant beyond all others , could only get accepted at a third - rate graduate school in the middle of nowhere . We moved into the house with the leaky roof and blood - stained basement . After a year or two , my father took his comprehensive exams , bragging that he hadn 't bother to study for them , he was so superior to those state university students . He failed . My mother chided him that he should study for the exams and re - take them . Even at eight years old , I could tell you that would mean , if he failed again , admitting that he couldn 't do it even if he tried , that maybe he wasn 't better than everybody . So , he never went back to Mediocre State U . He got a low level job at a huge corporation , mom kept working as a secretary because by now there were seven mouths to feed . That was that . Fifty years later , he died , still in Calhoun , Missouri . Not that my parents wanted to associate with the neighbors . They were uneducated , ignorant and untraveled . My family looked down on the people looking down on us . Hence , the ill manners . If you were told on a daily basis that everyone around you was too stupid for a conversation , there was no point in trying to speak civilly to them , now was there ? Not that any of us would have had any idea where to begin . In normal families , a child learning stuck learning multiplication tables would ask a parent for help . That only worked if my father was not around . Otherwise , it went like this ; " What ? You think the kid knows what ' genetic ' means ? She doesn 't even know 8 times 7 . Hey , you ! What 's ' genetic ' mean ? Your mother thinks you 're so smart . See , what did I tell you ? She must take after your side of the family . " We had no money , no friends , no manners , in a town with nothing happening and were told every day that we were worthless . That made us exactly no different than millions of other kids growing up in America . Generations with no hopes , no dreams , no chance . I 'd just finished the third grade but it was obvious that most of the people I saw every day would end up in jail , on welfare or , if they were really lucky , married to some man working at the local factory who didn 't come home drunk too often . I remember the moment exactly like it was yesterday , sitting out in the front lawn under a shade tree , trying to avoid both the heat and the people in the house . Hidden by the trunk of the tree , I could watch the whole neighborhood . There was 17 - year - old Darlene , in short - shorts and tank top , " dressed like a whore " , my father would say , flirting with Leo from next door , who was in my oldest brother 's grade although he was three years old . Across the street , a babysitter minded the Madison boys while their father was away and their mother was " visiting " the man who lived next to them . Two doors down , Mrs . Donnelly sat on her porch , silently rocking her fourth baby in as many years . A psychologist might say that it had its roots in all of those years of hearing my father say how much better our family was . Maybe . To my not - quite - nine - year - old self , it seemed to hit like a bolt out of the blue , the sudden insight that came into my brain and never , ever left from that point on . " This is not going to be my life . These people were born here and they 're going to die here , not ever even really imagining being anywhere , anything else . This isn 't my life . " I grew up poor . I am sure my mother would be appalled to hear me say that . Our family was big on not speaking the truth , for a whole host of reasons , all of them beginning with fear . There was the fear of getting hit with a belt , fear of hurting someone 's feelings , fear of what the neighbors , the priest , or Child Protection Services might think , say or do . As soon as humanly possible , I moved away , changed my name and never went back . It 's been many years since I was afraid of anything or anyone , so I guess there 's that good that came out of it all . As for everyone else , well , by now they 're mostly dead , senile , in prison or too beaten down by their own lives to have time for reading anything I might write . The few exceptions are like me , trying to forget the past , thanking their lucky stars as they go forward in life , with the mantra , " What 's important isn 't where you started out in life , but where you ended up . " I grew up in a small Midwestern town in a house my parents bought for $ 9 , 000 . Even back then , even living east of nowhere , that amount of money didn 't buy you much . In fact , when it rained , water leaked through the roof , into the attic , made holes in the bedroom ceiling and dripped right down into the pans at the foot of my bed . Mentioning it would just cause a new round of screaming about how demanding , lazy and ungrateful we children were and more bitter recriminations between my parents about whose fault it was that we couldn 't afford a house where the water didn 't come in during every thunderstorm . By the end of our first summer there , when I was nine , I 'd learned to just go downstairs , haul a pan out from under the sink and stick it in the right spot in the room to catch the water as it fell . The other reason our house was so cheap , besides the holes in the roof , lack of air conditioning that made it over 100 degrees in the summer and undesirable location is that someone had died in it . The previous owner had committed suicide , shot himself to death in the basement . When we moved in there were still bloodstains on the floor and they stayed there for years . I think no one ever got the energy or the motivation to try to clean them up . After a while , like so many other things , we got used to them . We didn 't just scrimp when it came to housing . Finding enough to feed a growing family was always a challenge . Years after we had moved in , when Child Protection Services finally entered the picture , the social worker of the month described it well . He said , " I could see your father giving your mother $ 30 and telling her to go to the store and buy a week 's worth of groceries when he knew damn well that it cost $ 50 for enough groceries to feed a family that size , and telling her not to come home without them . " Every week we went to the Wonder store - yes , Wonder Bread , builds strong bodies twelve ways . We 'd buy day - old bread , Hostess cupcakes near their expiration date and anything else that was half price . If the bread was really stale , my sister and I got the task of tearing it into little pieces so that my mother could mix it up with milk , sugar , raisins and cinnamon for bread pudding . Actually , my mother 's bread pudding was fabulous . I 've had bread pudding twice this month , in restaurants where my work took me around the country , neither could hold a candle to my mom 's , so it wasn 't a completely dismal picture growing up . The truth is , though , that the bright spots were far out - shadowed by everything else . There aren 't many good parts about growing up in poverty . Most of my clothes came from Goodwill . Anything new , whether it was a toy , a shirt or even a loaf of bread , it was almost always out of reach . I hear politicians and ministers preach about the poverty of spirit . I 'm not sure what that is supposed to mean , but I can tell you what was hardest on our spirit , and that was being told on a daily , hourly and sometimes minute by minute basis that the reason we could not have that shirt or toy or juice is because it was STUPID and we were STUPID to want it . Kool - Aid was just as good as the Hawaiian Punch advertised on TV and cost one - tenth as much and we only wanted the latter because we were too stupid to see that we were pawns of the advertisers and sheep that followed what our friends wanted . THEIR parents were either stupid themselves or just weak and gave in to their children 's whining . WE didn 't drink Hawaiian Punch or pay for new Levi 's jeans when perfectly good ones were for sale for $ 3 at Goodwill because we were smarter . We didn 't waste money ordering books from the book order at school because books were available for free at the public library . We didn 't buy new clothes , we ate old bread and produce because we were superior , smarter , less susceptible to brainwashing from Madison Avenue . We were better . I know that National Novel Writing Month is this month , but I just can 't do it . I have two business trips this month and , on top of that - drum roll please - completely by surprise a publisher is interested in a NON - FICTION book I am writing with a friend . So , interested , in fact , that when a friend of a friend casually mentioned the book to an editor at the firm , they contacted us . It appears that we may need to finish this book sooner rather than later . A bit of a shock , but a pleasant one . Yes , I know I was going to take the month of September off , but I had the chance to do enough overtime to pay off a lot of my bills . For the first time in my adult life , I will owe under $ 10 , 000 for EVERYTHING - car , student loan , credit cards - EVERYTHING . I had the chance to do some more extra work in November , too , so my goal of being completely debt - free is getting closer and closer . October 20th was the National Day on Writing Project ( who knew ? ) which explains the number of posts on twitter with the hashtag # whyIwrite . The fact that I did not discover this until October 23rd perhaps reveals more than I would like about my dedication to writing . When I read tweets like , " Because I would suffocate if I didn 't " , " To nudge the world in a different direction " I feel like a weekend runner at the Olympic marathon event . I don 't write thinking I will make millions of dollars and become the next J . K . Rowlings . I 'm fascinated and encouraged by the fact that writers of classics like Ivanhoe , Little Women and Huck Finn unabashedly said they did it for the money . Encouraged because it means you do not have to have a muse on your shoulder or a compulsion to write before you can tell a good story . Fascinated because I look at writing fiction as the last thing I would do to make money . I have a job I like that pays well and for me to make the same amount as a writer , I 'd need to be in the top . 1 % I think . It 's not that I make such an incredible amount of money , but rather that most writers make little from their work . Those that do earn a lot spend hours every day in self - promotion - I can tell by their twitter stream , blogs and Facebook . There 's nothing wrong with that , but I don 't have any desire to do it . It bores me just thinking about it . This morning , I was thinking about Lad : A dog - a book I read when I was probably eight or nine years old . If I had ever taken a course in children 's literature , I would have learned that this was not a very well - written book . Since I was just a kid , I liked it . I liked all of the Oz books , too , and hundreds of other books I read in grade school . Let 's just white - wash over it by saying that my childhood was less than idyllic . Nearly all of the happy memories I have are of me curled up in an attic , sitting cross - legged in a basement , laying in the grass in the park - reading a book . For a child , adolescent or young adult with a difficult life , the best book doesn 't have more horrors and graphic violence . They see enough of that in real life . All of my books , in the end , evil dies and good endures . In between , there are challenges overcome , magic happens and some close calls but nothing irreparably terrible happens to any character you have come to care about . It 's good for a young person to get lost for an hour in a world like that , and come out of it thinking that perhaps real life could be this way . When I grew up , I found that , in fact , it can . I think that was an idea I got from the books I read . So that is why I write . There is a story behind this cover art . Someone near and dear to my heart saw my book on Amazon and bought it ( becoming even more dear to my heart ! ) His comment was that more people would buy it if I had a better cover . My argument was that I have zero artistic talent and less time . His argument was that I have no time because I am working and that I should take the money I am making and pay a graphic artist . So , I did . Here is the new cover . Yes , it looks far better than anything I could have ever done . I haven 't yet decided if I like it or I love it . ( Scratch that ! In an amazing feat of tearing myself away from work I took 30 seconds and changed the cover on Smashwords . I also uploaded it on Amazon CreateSpace so I may actually have a print copy available by Christmas . That 's what I 'm giving all of my nieces and nephews for Christmas presents ! ) I have nothing personal against self - published authors . I have my own book , Wizard and Spy , The Ex - Apprentices published on Kindle and also on Smashwords . Currently , I 'm working on the second volume in the series . I was hoping to have it done by the end of September , but October is looking more likely . I say this just to establish up front that I am not a shill for the publishing industry . Before self - publishing my book , I had read a number of articles and blog posts . Self - publishing makes perfect sense for people writing books with a regional focus , say on the history of Naperville , Illinois . That 's not me , though . I wrote a general fantasy book for young adults and immature not - as - young adults ( like me ) . Since I like writing fantasy novels and I don 't like writing query letters , I decided that I would just go ahead and self - publish on Smashwords and Amazon . I posted about my Smashwords experience earlier . It took me four hours . What could be easier ? This is where things started to fall apart . In the past couple of months , I must have read at least 20 books that were self - published and another dozen that were from traditional publishers . Half the traditional books were technical books for work , so maybe that is not a fair comparison . Even discounting those , I have to say the difference in quality was disheartening to me as a self - published author . Let me establish up front that I have relatively low - brow tastes . I work at a very technical , demanding job for excessive hours and when I come home I want junk food for the brain . It 's what I do instead of watch TV and most of the books I read are quite forgettable . I read a few self - published books that I thought were fine . With all of that said , most of the self - published books I read scored a 1 or 2 on my very lax 1 - 5 scale . A couple were just horribly incorrectly labeled as far as genre . I 'm not a porn fan . If you have lots of graphic sex and call it erotica , I 'm still not a fan . I 'd like my sex personally and not vicariously , thank you very much . If people are getting killed graphically , I think it belongs in horror and not fantasy . That isn 't to say that those particular books were bad books if you like that kind of thing . I don 't like Stephen King 's books , either . My point is that a publisher would not make the mistake of having Stephen King classified with Lord of the Rings . Some of the books that were actually fantasy were just plain not very good . I understand that I am reading a book about witches , wizards , unicorns and griffins . That does not mean that coincidentally every person you meet in Europe turns out to be a long - lost relative . There was one book where every time the main character needed assistance her cousin , best friend from elementary school or some other random person just happened to be the sword - bearer of an ancient race or have the power to dissolve hedgehogs or some damn thing . Even if you are writing a book about a mythical place , there should be some logical order to it . There is more to writing than a good story , but a good story is important . If I am going to continue reading self - published books , I need to get out of the habit of finishing every book I start . Some of the books had a good story that I wanted to follow but the writing had little more description than the Dick and Jane readers . Other books kind of petered out in the middle as the author ran out of ideas , it seems . After a hundred pages of character development where the author has really piqued the reader 's interest in whether the ancient race of pixies , led by Susie Lou will rise up against their evil wizard overlords , they all settle their differences over tea . The End . The only exception to that , from my reading experience , is authors who have sold a lot of books in the past . I have been disappointed in a couple of books where it seemed the author has lost interest in writing about the characters in the series but not lost interest in being paid . These authors seem to get a pass from the editors because they have a sales track record and they will get suckers like me to buy their latest book because I liked their previous books . I won 't buy their next one , though . Musca buzzed up a couple of feet higher in dismay . Now he was flying overhead instead of regarding her face to face . " No , bad idea , very bad idea . He 's a growing boy . That one will eat you . Or even worse , he 'll eat me . Or , he 'll eat you for dinner and then he 'll eat me for dessert . Or , he 'll tie my wings together , and save me for later and then eat me as a snack . No , very bad one , that . Very bad idea . I am not going to do it . " The young woman regarded this display of cowardice with disgust , " Well , you gave me your boon and now you have to do it . " The imp rolled over laughing nastily , " Listen , girlie , I just came here out of curiosity . You know why you never hear anyone say , ' A demon 's word is his bond ' ? Because it 's not ! " Denae had learned early on in life that two things a spy should always have and be able to use well were a knife and a rope . She had learned to use both of them very , very well . Musca 's laugh was cut short as a noose seemed to leap through the air and tightened around his neck . The soldier yanked hard on the rope pulling him toward her . He stopped with his eyeballs a hairs - breadth away from her knife . She was definitely not amused . " Now listen to me you little pile of pond - scum . You are going to take me to Andalon and if you don 't , I am going to cut out both of your eyes and have them for lunch , since they seem to be the part on you least likely to make me throw up . Then , I am going to cut off that nose , mouth , whatever that thing is of yours dripping mucous just because it disgusts me . Finally , I am going to pin you down by your wings and let the ants devour you . " Musca gulped . " There aren 't any ants around here , " he corrected . The young woman was floating a couple of inches off the ground now . Under cover of shaking her fist ( with knife in it ) at the imp , she had swallowed a small amount of Lucia 's levitation powder . Denae was fairly sure that it was only possible to hold an imp by magical means , and she did not want Musca to begin to suspect the truth You can buy book 1 , The Ex - apprentices on Amazon for Kindleor , for Nook , Sony ereader , Kindle and iPad you can buy it on Smashwords His officious attitude was punctured somewhat by Aunt Lott 's nodding encouragingly , " Yes , that 's very good dear , " in the same tone used to Kole when he was saying his letters , " but , of course it was Ravidan . As for the rest of it , though , that is a very good idea , so maybe we should just start with Ravidan and work backwards with your plan . Yes , I think that will work very nicely . " She settled back in her chair and waited for the platoon leader to continue . " Well , uh - hm , madam , uh - hm , " stammered Flagon , finally coming out with , " How do you know it was this Ravidan ? You see , " he added self - righteously , " we were taught at the academy never to judge without evidence . " He was startled by a high - pitched laugh that seemed to come from a green - glowing bottle on a shelf near the ceiling . In the bottle next to it , a blue shape seemed to be moving . He would have sworn they were laughing and talking about him . Flagon rubbed his eyes and stared at them . Now they seemed just like two brightly - colored bottles . The witch herself made no comment but merely continued rocking for a while . Finally she answered him , ticking the points off on her fingers as she spoke . " The evidence is this . One , someone tried to kill me by magical means . Now , who would want to kill me ? I get along well with most magical folk , it 's the non - magic witch - burning type that usually seem to want to kill me , through no fault of my own . I once told Azura that she was a self - important windbag , but she just sniffed and tossed her silly veils at me . So , I would say , two , the most likely magical person to commit murder would be the one who recently cut off one wizard 's hands , burned another 's apprentices and tried to have demons kill a third . Three , that would be Ravidan . So , there it is then . " She sat up , brushing off her immaculately clean skirt that she had just put on , and held out her arms to Kole who , having napped through all of the excitement , was just waking up . The little boy looked at Bron in wide - eyed curiosity and asked , " Is he going to have a baby ? " Lott laughed , " No , love , he is just not feeling well today . Let 's get you some juice and crackers , shall we . " By the time Aunt Lott had returned from settling the little one with his snack and toy animals , the platoon leader was pacing the floor . Denae was sound asleep in her chair in front of the fire , snoring softly . " So , what have you figured out ? " the witch asked , setting herself comfortably back into her rocker . " Because he is a madman bent on taking over the world , " Lott answered calmly , then smiled at his annoyed expression , " Believe me young man , I take this threat quite as seriously as you do , perhaps more so . After all , I am the one Ravidan deliberately set out to kill , you merely happened to be in the neighborhood . However , I don 't believe jumping up and down and waving a sword is going to help any . And if you keep it up , those imps are going to roll around laughing so hard , they will knock those bottles off the shelf and break , which would quite disturb my plans , since I am not ready to use them yet . " Flagon jumped , quite startled , and he could see that there were definitely human - like , or imp - like , shapes in the bottles , and they were plainly holding their sides and rolling around laughing . He slumped back in his chair sulking for a while . Aunt Lott merely drank her tea , looked speculative and rocked . Finally , she explained gently , " It 's like this , dear . Ravidan did not just want me dead . " Denae opened one eye , as it seemed something interesting might be about to be said . Posted by I 've gone hiking in Temescal Canyon twice lately . The first time was all right . I needed a break from work and it is really close to the city . The trails were really easy and really crowded . I filed this away as a good place to take my mother the next time she comes to visit . I hiked up about a half - mile or so and I heard a woman behind me . " Heard " is the key word in that last sentence . She was going on and on in a high - pitched voice . I don 't really know about what but it was annoying since , for me , the sounds of the mountain are almost as much of an allure as the sights . After spending days in an office , it 's wonderful to hear the wind , the birds , the rustle of squirrels and rabbits in the bushes . For miles , this woman whined on and on behind me . She was walking with a man . I hope he is her boyfriend because I can 't imagine what anyone could have done so horrible to be sentenced to a life accompanied by constant monologue . Seriously , she was descended from harpies , I 'm sure of it . We hiked to the top of the mountain on the right , me , Ms . Motor Mouth and Mr . Silent . Even though I was out of sight of them most of the way , there was not a minute all of the way to the top when I could not here her yammering behind me . I 'll give her this , she 's got a good set of lungs , because it was a 45 degree angle a lot of the way . I picked the most difficult trail , hoping I would lose her . I sped up , trying to get away from the sound of her voice . I would , for a while , but as soon as I dropped to anything under a run , she 'd catch up again . Incredibly , I could still hear her . We were almost at the top when I left the trail , so they were above me with I - cant - shut - up still talking , this time about the view . By this point , we had been hiking for an hour , much of it at a steep incline up a mountain and there had not been 10 seconds when I could not hear her voice . She literally had not stopped talking . I finally escaped by finishing the hike going down the mountain climbing over five - foot boulders , like this . Andalon slammed his fist in the ground so hard that he buried his arm up to the elbow . " We are in hell ! We do not whistle , we do not play tag , and , whatever you are thinking of doing next , we don 't do that , either ! " " Must be rotten to be you , " Denae commented unrepentantly , turning three cartwheels , sprinting ahead , turning on her heel and running back to grab Andalon playfully by the tail . " STOP THAT ! " he shouted , and then , in a lower voice , added , " You 'll ruin my reputation . " Denae went back to quick - marching in step with the demon . Her feelings about forced marches , past , present and future , fit in quite well with hell . " Okay , " she offered , " I 'll look miserable , moan and even try to stab you every once in a while , if it will make you feel better . I 'm going with you , though , whether you like it or not . You 're a lot better than the last traveling companion I had , anyway . " " Oh , yes , the stick , " responded the demon . She smiled , " Some might actually call him handsome , in my world . " Andalon snorted , causing little puffs of smoke from each nostril , " And some might bash him on the head , in my world . I take it you two had a little lovers ' quarrel . What did you do to him ? " The demon leered suggestively . " I didn 't kill him and eat him , if that 's what you 're thinking . I just broke a few ribs , stole his horse , and left him on the edge of the desert without any water . " The demon smiled , showing several fangs , " You might be the kind of girl to bring home to mother after all . Why are you so dead - set , and I use the term deliberately , on going to my father 's house ? If you are going to try worshipping him , I will tell you that the last human who made it that far is buried under the stairs . " Denae was dead serious , which pleased Andalon . " That demon tried to kill my family . Then he tried to kill us again here , including you . Do you have a family ? A mother , brothers and sisters . " " At last count , I had 9 , 147 brothers and sisters , if you count the half - human ones . These womenPosted by Yes , I wrote the entire first three novels of the Wizard and Spy series just for me . Publishing the first book wasn 't a problem . It had been sitting on my computer for a few years . One day , I got motivated , put it up on Smashwords ( it took me about 4 hours ) , put it on Amazon on the Kindle and done . After all , * I * knew who all of the characters were and what had happened before this book . I wrote it . My challenge is to rewrite chapters so that new readers are not totally lost . I 'm making the shift from writing for me to writing for people like me . This is taking some editing for the next two books in the series to make it work . The fourth book is going to be quite a bit different because I 've been writing it with the intention of publishing it from the very beginning . I put off publishing on Smashwords because it sounded really intimidating . There is some software called " The Meatgrinder " that your book is put through . How much scarier can something sound than THAT ? Finally , I girded my loins ( figuratively , not literally ) , downloaded a copy of the Smashwords Style Guide by Mark Coker and went at it . Click the " Publish " button on the Smashwords site and fill out the forms . That 's it . There was a slight glitch when I first uploaded my book because Smashwords had run out of ISBN numbers , but when they did get more numbers , it took , literally , seconds , to update my book to assign one . Lucia 's sad life improves after she 's apprenticed to a witch . She makes her first friend , Denae , and even gets her first birthday present , a pegasus . All would be well if not for the king telling Denae she can 't be a spy , a father determined to bring Lucia home , and that prophecy that she 's doomed to commit murder by magic . It 's a fun book to read , if I do say so myself , which I do . I 've never been a major poetry fan . As a writer , I 'm happy to be a hack . I write about wizards , spies , centaurs , gnomes and pegasi . Not only do I not want to write the Great American Novel , I 'm certain I don 't want to read it , either . None of that has stopped me from loving Robert Frost 's poems , especially The Road Not Taken , which ends Seems like an oxymoron doesn 't it ? Fortunately for my sanity , there were also normal trails branching off from these sidewalks in the woods , and I took the first one I saw . One of the advantages of being a small person is I can crouch down easily and fit through a lot of openings made by wildlife . It is a false rumor spread by my best friend that I actually use rabbit trails on a regular basis . I 'm not that little ! Being still somewhat disturbed by the weirdness of paving the forest , I left the actual trail for the one above , which was really just a dry stream bed . A few minutes climb up the stream bed , I made an interesting discovery . In this regional park , not a mile from multi - million dollar homes , someone had set up a homestead of his own . ( I assumed it was a " his " although I didn 't stay long enough to introduce myself . ) He seemed to mostly have a liquid diet , although not what you are thinking . A few yards away were bags , neatly tied , with empty bottles that held water , sports drinks and protein shakes . It made me wonder if he didn 't have many teeth or it was just the lack of facilities for cooking and refrigeration . I think if I was ever going to live in the woods , I 'd want some place where I couldn 't still hear the distant sounds of the freeway from my milk crate under the trees . I 'm hardly an expert on homeless living , though , so maybe it is the optimal location for all I know . If you 're searching for a place to set up your home in the woods , don 't go by my recommendations . Free time lately has been about as common as a visit from centaurs . Since I worked with someone who had a death in the family , I had to pick up some extra hours to help out this month , as anyone would , so that cut into any writing time for weeks . On the positive side , I will be taking a week off next month just to read , write and sleep . Chapter 2 : The Centaurs Visit In the morning , Lucia was exuding an even greater air of self - righteous injury . After all , wasn 't she the one who saved Peggy from becoming food for the muledragoons ? Wasn 't it she who had helped birth the baby ? For that matter , weren 't mother and daughter at this very instant relaxing in the garden that she had created in this desolate , frozen wasteland . Her thoughts could have continued along that line for very much longer had the door to her room not slammed open . " Go wash those two , " growled Cysotte . " The Centaur Klath will be here soon , and one of the many unreasoning prejudices centaurs have is against anything that is not spotlessly clean . " He stepped close to Lucia and sniffed . Wash yourself , too , while you 're at it . How did you spend years with Lott and not pick up her habits ? I always thought that witch , must be part centaur way back in her line somewhere . Cleanest apprentice I ever had . Annoying . But at least she never had half the Centaur Isle coming here pestering me . " Lucia considered some retort about the centaurs could stand her if they could put up with Cysotte , but thought better of it . While normally his bark was really much worse than his bite , today he was clearly not far from a biting mood . With a wizard of his stature , this could easily translate into taking the form of some large animal , real or imagined , and biting off a piece of whatever had caused that mood . Since she was fairly certain that , justly or not , at least part of that mood had been caused by her actions the previous day , Lucia held her tongue and went out into the garden . Upon seeing the apprentice , Peggy merely nodded her head and went back to nuzzling and licking the newborn . Apparently she , too , still felt some grudge against Lucia . Deciding that this was a game that two could play , and going for the least effort , the young woman wordlessly stood next to mother and daughter and caused a warm rainshower to fall out of the air . Clouds would have made a better effect , but she juHere is the first book , if you were dying to read where this all came from |
12 . Against The Grain . I began to talk to this guy almost every day . We 'll call him … Jesse . We began to play this game asking questions about each other . I learned he was from out of state , that he lived in his dad 's house and lived a ways from where I was at . Over the next few days , I found myself stumbling onto his profile almost a little more than necessary . I looked through his pictures so I could really get a good look at the guy I was talking to every night . He was becoming cuter and cuter to me the more we talked . He was definitely wasn 't my type . He sagged his pants ( which I fucking hated ) and liked a lot of rap . But then again , they say that opposites attract . We decided to go and meet up at a concert . We arranged rides to get there . I remember sitting at the venue , eagerly waiting for his appearance . Then I saw him . I could tell he saw me too . He smiled and turned away shyly . Okay , I thought to myself . I 'm gonna have to make the first move on this one . I was not used to this . Being married had definitely done a number on my dating skills . Of course , I never dated much to begin with . I walked up to him at the bar . He turned to look at me , said hi , and looked away . He was definitely shy . I believe I asked him to go sit at a table together . He said yes and we started talking . I don 't know what we talked about , but I remember I was extremely flirtatious . I kept my hand on his thigh , whispering in his ear ( also , it was a show so it was loud . The key is to not be too sexy ) . I remember asking him if I could kiss him . Lord knows he wasn 't gonna do it on his own . This boy needed some help . He nodded and I made my mood . The sensation that coursed through my body was amazing . The kiss was different , for I had not made out with anyone with facial hair and he had more than I had ever been used to . I deepened the kiss and remember running my hand through his hair . Then , I , ever so classily , took his hand and put it in front of my leggings . This was to be my new persona . I could literally be whoever I wanted with this guy . I wanted to be bold , sexual , and desirable . He was the first one I had ever met that I could be that way with . It was dangerous , naughty , and tons of fun . Excellent date . I told him he could come back to Hannah 's place that night , if he wanted to . He did , but knew he 'd have to ask his dad . He literally waited until his dad was about to drop me off and got out of the car and told him he 'd be back home the next day . confessionsofabasketcasesiteMay 7 , 2017 adultgrowing uploveopposites attractrelationshipssex 11 . An unlikely alliance . This was the first time I 'd spoken to Hannah since I manipulated her into talking my husband about divorce . This girl , she was the start of it all . She was married to a guy I remember my husband talking about when he talked of their past relationship . She had two children , a boy and girl , just like me . Her situation was very similar to mine . She was about the same size as me , post - baby . She was married , had two kids . I couldn 't understand why my husband had chosen to ruin our marriage over this . She was exactly the same as me . She wasn 't any skinnier , any prettier , just equal . Why then , why did I get cheated on ? How was this better ? I still won 't ever know . Hannah was surprisingly kind to me . She let me tell her everything and I was bawling my eyes out , missing my kids . I was in total shock . And she comforted me . That day marked the start of a very interesting friendship . Not good mind you , but interesting for sure . Hannah took me in . I ended up calling the cops to see my kids . And one of the worst things anyone has ever told me was said . I can only assist and ask if you can see your kids . I cannot force them to let you . In the State of Oklahoma , if there is no custody agreement with the parents and you are married , the person who physically has the kids , can keep the kids until a court order is made . And there it is . I couldn 't get them back . He let me in though , to see my babies . They were taking a bath . They were so excited to see me . I held them , wet and all , and cried . I told them how much I loved them and how Mommy was so excited to see them . It had been two days without seeing them . That is the longest I had ever been without my children . My children were the other half of me . Without them , I felt so confused and disoriented . When I had to leave , I begged Kyle not to do this . He said he 'd let me know when I could see them again . I 'd never seen him so cold - hearted . This was a new low . My heart was a wreck . I didn 't know what to do . I didn 't know any legal stuff . I didn 't have money . I didn 't know how to adult . The military and my husband always took care of me . My parents did not prepare me for the evil I was enduring . Everything I had ever learned was useless to me now . The kind of person I was , was naive . I was brought to love everyone , believe the best in everyone . And that , that my friend , was my downfall . I cried day and night . Every time I looked at Hannah 's kids , I started crying . I 'd sit there in their empty nursery and just cry . I could barely eat . I felt so sick , every second of the day . I 'd blow up my husband 's phone and messages . I wanted my kids back . I was in a living nightmare . Nobody knew what to do to help me . I was meeting new people , but I couldn 't care less . To make matters worse , my daughter 's first birthday was coming up . Yes , my husband and his horrible family took my kids from me three days before my baby girl 's birthday . I didn 't get to plan anything for her . I didn 't get to do her hair . I didn 't get to pick her birthday outfit . She didn 't get a party . I didn 't get to make her first birthday cake . I used some of the money I had to buy her a few birthday presents . My husband was allowing me to see her on her birthday . I got to see her for two hours . I made the most of every minute I had with my children , even if it wasn 't long . They had all the power , and I was defeated . I didn 't have money for a lawyer . But I could get a job . And that 's exactly what I did . He had filed . Everything we had agreed on . The whole reason I came to this stupid fucking state to begin with . Because I felt that our children should have both parents . Stupidest fucking decision . Because I had a heart . And he was heartless . I could not believe I had married this man . Worse than that , I had children with him . I knew he was an asshole sometimes , but not this . I never would have thought . And that 's the thing . I don 't think . I keep expecting good out of people , when all they are filled with is shit . Just lies , manipulation , and an intense need to see me suffer . You 'd think a girl would learn . I 've come to realize that I 'm pretty petty , in a demented sort of way . Where it doesn 't necessarily hurt people directly , but only I see think it 's funny and feel vindicated inside . For instance , I decided it 'd be great to have a threesome with Hannah and her husband . They wanted it , and I was like why not ? Why not fuck the girl that ruined my marriage and her husband who fucked my exhusband over as well . Suuuuper twisted , but I didn 't give a shit . The three of us slept in the same bed anyway . It was interesting . Not my best threesome . Yup , and not my only one either . But I digress . Hannah and I went out to the bars for the first time and we stumbled into a place where we met some pretty interesting people . These guys were part of a local metal band and they invited us to a show in the city . Hannah didn 't end up going , but I managed to find a ride with the band and went up to the show . I remember watching them play and it was awesome . A little breather from the hell that I had been leaving . I had my eye on this cute boy that was doing sound . He kept looking at me and mouthing words and flirting with his eyes . You know what I 'm talking about . He and his friend were sitting there doing sound and it was nice to see someone making eyes at me . He got a phone call , and he had to leave . He walked by me and said , " Have a good night , " and then left . I had wished I 'd given him my number . I don 't generally do that sort of thing . Like , ever . I got married young . All of this shit was new to me . So I plucked up the courage and walked over to his friend . I gave him the slip of paper and told him to give it to his friend . He gave me a smile and put his hand over mine , looked me in the eye , and said he would . Funny enough , that particular guy had appeared on my Facebook suggested friends and I instantly recognized him from the concert . I wanted to befriend people in the local music scene , and I also wanted to find out if he gave the guy my number . So I messaged him , he accepted my request and we chatted for a bit . I asked him if he ever gave his friend my number , and he said he did , but his friend had a girlfriend . Why was he flirting then ? Meh , whatever . So I started talking to him instead . We talked about the music scene . He said he was thinking about going into music production at the local community college . It was really nice talking to a guy about music . It was different . We had similar ambitious and were connecting . confessionsofabasketcasesiteMay 6 , 2017 10 . The Descent . The worst day of my life . I 'm telling you , this was the worst day I had ever had . My husband decided to go see a movie with his sister , his dad was at work , and me and his mom were at the house . I had previously talked to my mother , who was struggling to keep her blood pressure after the heart attack . She had messaged my husband 's mother to ask if there was a way to make sure she could get ahold of me . His mom is very passive aggressive , I 've learned . She sweetly told her that if I would get a job , I could afford a phone and that they could not afford to get me a phone . Which , my mom and I both knew that . That kind of shit pisses my mother off and she was saying her blood pressure was rising . So that day , while she and I were both home , I talked to her . My babies were napping in separate rooms . I asked her ( very nicely , mind you ) if she could not talk to my mother on Facebook . She couldn 't handle her blood pressure rising . Now . I am not the kind of person to yell . I do not go off on people . But something inside me fucking snapped . My mom just had a heart attack . How fucking dare this bitch insult her ! And I let her have it . I started screaming , " Are you fucking kidding me ? My mom just had a heart attack ! " And then it pretty much escalated from there . I believe I may have called her every insulting thing in the book . I yelled how her kids couldn 't fucking stand her because she was a psychotic bitch . I just thought about how I 've never wanted to hit someone so bad as I did this bitch . I wanted to beat the living shit out of her and I am not a fighter . Not by a long shot . She suggested I go to another room to get some air . I thought for a moment , my kids are sleeping in both of the bedrooms and the other room was hers . So , I took her advice , and stepped out front to take a breather . I start banging on the door screaming for her to let me in . I thought about breaking the window where my kids were sleeping . I should have . That would have been better than what I did . Not a second goes by that I didn 't wish I broke open that window , took my children and ran away . But no . I did the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life . When I realized the psycho bitch was not going to let me back in , I went to the neighbor 's house . They didn 't speak much English but let me use their phone . I called my husband and told him what his mother did . He sounded annoyed and said he was on his way . I saw in the driveway waiting for him to come home . His dad came home . He looked at me and reassuringly said , " I know , " and he went to take care of his wife . My husband returned home and said to me that he would talk to her and convince her to let me back in . The two of them were so calm , as if this kind of behavior for her was normal . Her husband was extremely cool , laid - back , and hilarious . She , on the other hand , was a controlling , high - strung , bipolar psycho . My husband was in that house for 45 mins before he came out . He looked exasperated . " Look , she 's not gonna let you back in . I 'm going to drive you to a hotel for a night . Hopefully she will calm down tomorrow . I 'll take care of the kids . You need a night to yourself to relax . You are always doing everything with the kids . You need a break . " That was really thoughtful of him . He went inside and packed up some things I would need for the night . We drove a little ways outside the city and he checked me in to the motel . He gave me $ 80 . I had a credit card which had never been used and about $ 500 in my account , which was to be used to pay for my college classes . I used some of the money to walk to Walmart and get myself a cheap little flip phone . That was an adventure . I was in a town I had never been . Everything was completely foreign to me . I came back to the room and messaged my husband . I asked about the kids and he told me they were doing good . I told him I wanted them out of there . I said that we should use our money and get us a small place until I could move out on my own . There was no response . He didn 't respond . I tried calling him . It just rang and rang and then went to voicemail . I start blowing up his Facebook . Oh my fucking god . He just . He took my kids from me . I 'm alone in a state where I have no family , no friends , and no knowledge about anything in this state . I was completely alone . Never have I felt more alone in my life than I did in that moment . A moment that to this day , still haunts and torments me . I was the world 's biggest fool . An absolute fucking idiot . Why didn 't I call the cops when his mom locked me out ? Why did I call him ? All questions I ask myself every day afterward . I trusted him . I FUCKING TRUSTED HIM . We were on good terms . And when his mother got involved , something changed . This was not the man I married . Or maybe it was . I mean , let 's be honest , he was a piece of shit while we dated . And then while we were married . But I never thought him capable of something like this . Then it occurred to me . Over the summer , we had gotten a bunch of backpay from the military , about $ 7000 . Suddenly the $ 7000 disappeared out of the account . I confronted my husband about it and he said he put it in CDs so it could acquire interest . I accused him of trying to screw me over . He didn 't like that . He also didn 't like that I tried to install a keylogger . Most men don 't dig the idea . But if they were trustworthy , I WOULDN ' T NEED THE FUCKING KEYLOGGER . But I digress . My dumbass did not pay for said keylogger . I installed the free version , not knowing it was a piece of shit . Or the fact that it left a window open in the background . So , when he found it , he was not particularly thrilled . So much so , that he got in my face . He got really close to me with menacing eyes . He was shirtless , and I put my hands lightly on his chest and gently pushed him away , to indicate that he needed to get out of my face . He was making me uncomfortable . He grabbed my wrists and slammed them against the wall . His grip was tight and he was hurting me . He yelled at me and I got scared . I was in pain and he didn 't care . I shoved him away and ran to the living room to call security forces . He grabbed the phone from my hands and I was so scared he was gonna continue to hurt me and be a psycho , I grabbed the phone and threw it at him as hard as I could . Now that I think about it , that 's the only man I have ever thrown anything at . He scared the shit out of me . But now , now it made sense . There were no CDs . My suspicions were right . 9 / 10 times they are . I should know this by now . I did the only thing I could think of . I took to social media and blasted the whole situation . Everybody was giving me advice . I talked to my parents , my aunts , Max even . He and I talked a whole lot about what was going on . He was genuinely concerned . It made it a teensy bit easier . Not much though . I was still without my world . My reason for living . confessionsofabasketcasesiteApril 29 , 2017 divorcekidnappingparental alienationyoung marriageyoung parenting 9 . What is best I spoke to a lawyer on base about my divorce situation . I asked him generally what happens to the kids in a military divorce . He said that they usually go with the non - military parent for deployment purposes and what not . We weren 't wanting to go to battle though . My husband and I were on mutual agreement that it just wasn 't working out . We even tried to explore other avenues . I guess it was me more so than him . He knew that I was looking in other places for people , and he was too , more so on the internet . There was a girl that I was really interested in . The only woman I have ever met that I could have dated . I just don 't see girls in a relationship . I can have sex , but I 'm just not emotionally compatible with a woman . But this girl , there was something special about her . My husband encouraged me to go after her , and I tried , but it was a big complicated situation that caused way too much drama . My husband and I were still having a good relationship , but more like a friendship and we happened to have kids together . We were still having sex , but it was more out of comfort than a need for each other . Looking back , I can say that I definitely shouldn 't have handled it the way I did . I had a feeling that he had slept with someone , but he told me he didn 't . I was completely honest with him about what I was doing . So I guess you can argue that I cheated on my husband , but he knew . We had decided it was okay , even though we hadn 't physically filed for divorce . Turns out , because of a government shutdown , my husband could not crosstrain and had to get out of the military at the end of his enlistment that year . So he would be returning to his home of record . I had said to him that instead of me taking the kids , I would move to his state , which I 'd never been in , so long as he would help me get on my feet . This way , I didn 't feel like a monster who took her kids ' father away . This is what was best for my children . It wasn 't their fault we didn 't want to be married . He suggested once that he take our son and I take our daughter . I told him absolutely not . I would not split my children . For one , they have a huge bond to each other . Secondly , how the fuck would my son feel knowing his mom only took his sister ? And vice versa ? Hell the fuck no . I would not do that to them . So come November 2013 , we packed up our family and moved from Japan to Oklahoma . We had to stay with his family , whom I had never met . He always hated his mom his whole life . He said she was a bipolar psycho . She was abusive and that was the reason he moved out so young . When I met her , she seemed nice enough . She loved the kids , and did shots with me like the first night I was there . We even took my daughter and went shopping with her , while my husband took our son and his dad . She asked me about us getting a divorce and asked if there was any chance of it working out . I told her about Hannah . She remembered Hannah . She absolutely hated her . Something we had in common . One of the few . Things were okay . We celebrated Thanksgiving with my husband 's family . I was struggling a bit , being as I was trying to parent my children in someone else 's house . My daughter was not sleeping well in her pack and play , so she was screaming a lot during the night . I could tell his parents were irritated , but there wasn 't much I could do . They didn 't offer to help or anything , not that I necessarily needed it . She was just a tough baby . My mother had a heart attack and I had no way to contact her . My husband was off buying himself a phone , but didn 't think of me at all . He suddenly decided that he didn 't have to pay for me anymore . His parents got him a good deal on a vehicle and helped him get a job . I , on the other hand , had applied to a nearby place , but didn 't get the job . I was growing more and more stressed with the living situation . I was used to it just being me , my husband , and my children . I could tell his mother was critiquing my parenting and it was pissing me the fuck off . She started limiting how much juice my son had and when he could have a snack . That made me angry , but she was paying for it , so what could I do . I had to use the house phone to call my mother and check up on her . She had her second heart attack and I was worried for her . So much , that I was crying a lot . I didn 't want to be in Oklahoma . I wanted to go home . I was uncomfortable in someone else 's house and it was becoming awkward . I started noticing all of things my husband said he hated about his mom . She was the biggest control freak I had ever met . I watched my husband give in to her every request , just so she would shut up . confessionsofabasketcasesiteApril 28 , 2017 divorcegrowing upmarriageyoung parenting 8 . Beginning of the end My daughter was born shortly before Christmas of the year of 2012 . Yup , I had two babies born in the same year . It had been an extremely rough pregnancy , nothing like with my son . With my son , I got nauseous a lot but only threw up once . With my daughter , I swear I threw up every other day . I got big fast , and could hardly move around my house . Every step I took , my pelvis would snap . I couldn 't turn over in bed without being in a fuck ton of pain . I was glad when she was ready to come out . And she was beautiful . Once again , it was the best day of my life . My baby girl was so gorgeous and I loved her with everything I had . All of the resentment , all of the pain I 'd been through in that nine months , it all faded away when I looked into her eyes . I had worried about how much I loved my son ; I didn 't understand how I could possibly ever love another child as much as I loved him . But after she was born , it was easy . These two children were my entire world . I cannot begin to describe how much I adored them . They were the most important people in the world to me . You know how people say that their spouse is there other half ? Not me . My babies were the other half of me . On the few times I went to the grocery store and left the kids with my husband , I 'd go with my best friend and constantly have mini heart attacks thinking I lost my kids . It felt weird going anywhere without them . This didn 't happen very often , as my husband would at least make me take our daughter . I 'd come home and our son would be shut up in his room watching Sesame Street while my husband would be playing games . That shit would piss me off . We taught our son to be self sufficient . He 'd play in his room with Sesame Street on for a little while and then we 'd get him out . My husband would leave him in there for longer and forget . It made me upset . My daughter , on the other hand , demanded all of my attention almost every second of the day . She was a tough one . I didn 't co - sleep with my son , but my daughter needed to be in my personal space when she slept . Our noses had to be touching or she wouldn 't sleep . It was cute , but at times , frustrating . She and I had a very special bond and she preferred Mommy over Daddy any day of the week . Of course , this may have contributed to the fact that I didn 't think my husband didn 't even like our daughter . He 'd rarely hold her , which would actually cause a little damage later . She had colic , and let me tell you , it is hell if you don 't already know . We called it her " hell hours " , where she would scream from 4pm to 8pm every night . I 'd do everything I could to console her . I 'd turn on our stereo system and stand right in front of it , rocking her and singing to her whatever was playing . Then she would go to sleep . My best friend would take our daughter on occasion after she was born . Because she was demanding so much attention , I felt I was losing out on time with my son . This allowed me to focus on my budding toddler . My son turned one about two weeks after my daughter was born . I planned his birthday party for months . It was themed " The Very Hungry Caterpillar " . When he was around four months old , we bought said caterpillar at the mall in Japan . It was the first toy we ever saw him get attached to . He loved his " capitillar " which is what we called it . To this day , I have such a hard time pronouncing " caterpillar " because of how I 've said it for years . I researched Pinterest , ebay , had a poster designed , and paid $ 50 for a caterpillar cake . There was only one other baby there and the rest were our friends . They all loved him though . We even got our daughter a special tutu made to match all the colors . I put every ounce of energy and creativity in his first birthday and I couldn 't wait to do so with my daughter . My son was growing fast , started walking too . It was amazing to see this little one that was the size of my daughter ( exact by the way . both of them weighed the exact same weight when they were born ) . A few months passed by . Life was okay . With my children , amazing . With my husband , well , I sort of lost all interest in him . I was very nonchalant about my marriage . He hadn 't done anything , but my heart didn 't feel the same and I knew it . But I had a good life . There was so much betrayal in the entirety of our relationship , that I think my heart pretty much gave up fighting for it . He wasn 't doing anything wrong , other than the fact it pissed me off that he didn 't help much with the kids . He 'd get whatever they needed , anything I wanted , but day to day needs , he just didn 't . I always fed them , bathed them , changed them , and dealt with my daughter 's hell hours . I 'd stay up all night when they were sick , get up for late night changes and feedings . He didn 't do any of that . But we were taken care of . I also ran my own home business as a Pure Romance consultant and did online college . So I figured , maybe the longer I stayed , love would come back . Did I believe that ? No . I was unhappy with my marriage in general . There were many times where things would be great , but deep down , I just didn 't feel the kind of love I knew I should have . There were a few times we 'd fight and I 'd bring up divorce and it would be quickly shot down . I quickly realized that he would never accept it if it was my idea . It had to be his idea . So , I messaged Hannah . You remember Hannah ? The bitch that ruined everything . Well , my husband did too . I made up some sad story about not feeling like he wanted to be married and how I care about him , but I didn 't think he was happy . And it worked . Perfectly , I might add . I knew Hannah wouldn 't be able to resist talking to my husband about it . She wanted to save him if she knew he was unhappy . Girls like that are so easy . And sure enough , in June , my husband approached me with the idea of divorce . We hadn 't been fighting , we 'd just been living . It was a calm conversation . We 'd been the happiest for a few months , but inside , neither of us felt it anymore . So , we discussed at our next base , we 'd separate then . We were due to leave Japan soon , and were waiting for re - assignment . confessionsofabasketcasesiteApril 23 , 2017 7 . All Because Two People Fell In Love . When I took that first pregnancy test , I thought I saw that little plus sign . Maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me , but I showed it to my husband and screamed at him . I had my second anxiety attack ever . I was collapsed on the ground bawling and screaming at him . I didn 't want another child . Especially with him , which is exactly was I said , rather loudly to him . I didn 't want to believe it . I really didn 't . And I refused to for days , until my fourth pregnancy test . Up until that point , I had been taking those little plus sign was and I finally broke down and bought the digital . And it read : Pregnant . I had told Max that I was going to stay with my husband . I could maybe do one child , but two on my own ? No . Plus , it killed me every time I walked by my son 's room , and the sentence that was on his door since we designed the nursery : Fuck that . But , my son loved his daddy . I didn 't want to be that monster to separate them . Would I ever trust my husband again ? Fuck no . But , I had a good life . An easy one . I adored my son . Which is sad , because I resented the baby I was currently carrying . Not that it was the baby 's fault , but I felt trapped . And it was my own fault . My dumbass missed my six week appointment . You know , the one where they tell you it 's EASY AS FUCK to get pregnant after you had a baby and didn 't get on birth control . We had been using the pull - out method , stupid I know . But hey , it worked until we had made the conscious decision to have a child . This time , not so much . So I began putting the pieces back together . It took a few months for me to start to move on and try to repair my marriage . I had to accept this pregnancy and this life . I had to stay committed . I didn 't feel I had a choice . It was a rough first trimester and second . Apparently , your body needs to have a break from babies for two years . I waited two months . The pain was unbearable and I was getting much bigger , quicker . What really changed the game was when I went in for my second ultrasound . We were having a little girl . I had already picked the name out , a name that I had loved since I was 12 . My husband didn 't get a choice in the matter . I 'd like to say everything went back to normal , but it didn 't . Try as I did , I tried to stay in love with my husband . But every time I looked at him , I saw a liar , a cheater , and a life - ruiner . He may not have physically slept with her , but I just couldn 't get over the fact that he put us all on the line , knowing full well that he would ruin our family . Just for a Facebook thing . The fact that he sacrificed something he wasn 't even getting any physical enjoyment out of , but emotional , killed me . And I had read all of it . It sickened me . I tried to be happy . And at times I was . I hit a point where I finally stopped checking his shit . I just didn 't care anymore . Looking back , I thought at the time I was finally starting to trust him again . Now I know , I was falling out of love with him . I was completely losing interest in the man I had married . I wasn 't looking elsewhere , but I was simply living . That 's all . confessionsofabasketcasesiteApril 22 , 2017 6 . Max I 'm going to keep this story as brief as possible . There 's a 700 page book I wrote dedicated to Max . Max was my first love . I fell in love with him in high school . I was the Christian girl and he was the emo kid with eyeliner and the Blink 182 shirt . Every interest I ever had in music , guys , and pandas came from Max . He was the only guy I had ever cared about more than myself . We were friends first and we 'd only ever kissed once . And when it looked like we were going to be in a relationship , he 'd decided to go back to his ex . Looking back , it was not that big of a deal . But at the time , it was catastrophic . I had given my whole heart to this guy emotionally , and when he broke it , I was shattered . That was the first bout of depression I had ever come across . That was the first instance that launched my addiction to self - harm . I had cut letters into my ankle . I was distraught . To help me learn and mend , I wrote a book about my life in high school right up until I joined the Air Force . Eventually , Max and I came to a resolution and it was fine . We talked every once in a while , but nothing substantial . My husband knew how much I had loved Max . But in the book I wrote , I came to the conclusion that I had to stop dreaming about him . He was never going to tell me he loved me , he didn 't want me . Max was a dream , and a far - fetched one at that . Or so I thought . When I was neglected by my husband , Max and I started talking . We hadn 't talked in quite a while , but he still did something to my heart , four years after the fact . The thing about Max , was that he was the most unique person I had ever met . I have never met a soul like him . He talked in riddles and metaphors . There was something dark and mysterious about him and it was so easy for him to reel me in . Max and I started skyping while my husband would be at work . Our conversations were light hearted and enjoyable , but still , I shouldn 't have been talking to him without my husband knowing . I just needed some attention . Doesn 't make it right though , I know . He 'd call my son " Little Max " even though he knew that wasn 't his name . Then he did it . All of the convincing I had told myself , and this motherfucker ruined it . Everything . Everything I told myself for years . He never loved me . He didn 't want me . It was all a lie . He 's always loved me . The way I loved him . And this motherfucker decided to tell me after I was married and had a child . WHY THE FUCK - goddamit men . So fucking stupid . I can 't . My heart had opened right up to him . I was so confused . I had literally built a wall around my feelings for him and with one sentence , it crumbled . What was I to do now ? Max and I talked for a few more days , before I finally told my husband . I had to be honest . I couldn 't hide it . I owed him the truth . Of course , when I did , he was angry as fuck . So angry , he punched the wall next to my head . Scared the shit out of me . He made me feel like such a piece of shit . I felt horrible . How could I , as a wife and a mother , consider taking my child away from his dad to chase after a high school love ? I couldn 't . It was selfish . Max was my missed connection , one that I would miss for life . My husband was so pissed at me for days , but I had decided to tell both him and Max that I made a commitment to my marriage . This was my life now . This was the life I chose . My son came first . Max understood , but mending things with my husband , that was going to be difficult . I had talked to my mother about the situation and she told me to take a breather . She asked me a series of questions , and I told her I just wasn 't feeling valued by my husband . I told her we weren 't having sex . She stopped and asked me if I thought he was cheating . I was like , no way . He wouldn 't sacrifice his family for it . Mom 's little question floated around in my brain . It had been a while since I checked his shit . The last conversation we had about anything remotely like that was four months prior , when I went into labor . So out of sheer curiosity , I opened up his Yahoo ! account . Apparently the idiot forgot I knew the password . And what did I find ? Sure enough , the bitch that he had been exchanging pics with before I got married , Hannah , was in there . And there was a lot of messages from the the previous month . They talked about me , about Adam , and about wanting to have sex with each other . And I 'm not talking simply , like explicitly . Apparently , when he was doing his " shift " with our son , and I was sleeping , he was messaging and calling her . He would tell her how much he loved her . I was shattered . And then I was livid . Here I was , telling him I had feelings for someone and BEING FUCKING HONEST , he was lying and doing this shit . I was done . So I did what I do every time I find out about this kind of shit . I made myself look gorgeous , did my makeup and waited for my husband to wake up . And he did , while I was doing my makeup . I smiled sweetly . " Of course . " I walked into the kitchen , got him some orange juice , and gave it to him . He looked at me . " You look pretty . I love you . " He tried to make excuses , but he knew his ass was grass . I laid into him . I yelled at him for treating me like shit , making me seem like I was a horrible spouse , and betraying me again . I told him I wanted a divorce . I told him that I had said if he ever did this shit while we were married , it would be the end . And here we are . I told him I was taking Adam and I wanted him to suffer . I also messaged Hannah on Facebook and told her she was a homewrecking whore and I hope she was happy that he was going to lose his family . Also , I told her that he said she meant nothing to him and was like porn . Which , is what he told me . He told me he didn 't love her and it was a mistake . For some reason , this offended her . So much , in fact , that she gave me her Facebook password with the promise from me that I would not post anything on her profile publicly . I didn 't need to do that . I had more class than that . But when I read through her messages between her and my husband , I was completely and utterly appalled . He had told me it only happened for that week of messages I found in the Yahoo ! Turns out , they had been messaging since that night I was suspicious . The night that I went into fucking labor for our child . This motherfucker lied straight to my face . Four fucking months worth of the most sickening shit I had ever read in my life . All of the things he did nice for me during that time was wiped completely out . I hated him . I hated him . I fucking hated him . They talked about how when he 'd visit back home , he 'd make up a story about " hanging out with the guys " and leave me with Adam , and then going to go fuck her . These messages guys , they were so detailed . I swear to God , I had a vivid picture of what this girls pussy looked , tasted , and smelled like by the end of these messages . I couldn 't fucking believe it . HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO FUCKING STUPID . WHY THE FUCK DID I MARRY HIM ? WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE KIDS WITH HIM . I WAS GOING TO MURDER HIM . I was so angry and I ripped him a new one . I screamed that he was a liar . Thankfully , my son slept pretty well , so he didn 't hear me yelling . My husband didn 't know what to do with himself , except beg for my forgiveness . And I wouldn 't give it . I was done . Fuck him . I was taking my son and going for Max . Fuck this . FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKER . FUCK . FUCK . FUCK . I bawled and bawled . I hated him . So much . Three days later , I told my Mom everything . I was making wild decisions and she had to tell me to calm my shit . Then she asked another detrimental question , damn her . " When was your last period ? " She thought maybe I had been overreacting and losing my shit because of PMS , which has been known to happen . I sat down and thought about it . I had one period after I gave birth , but I couldn 't remember my second . Then it dawned on me . Shit . Shit . Shit . Fuck . NO . |
" Writing is like playing a sport . The more you practice , the more confident and facile , or ' natural ' you become at it . Even students who struggle with writing will eventually be well on their way to becoming more ' natural ' , confident , fluid , and interested writers . " - - Sandhya Nankani , former senior editor of Writing , a Weekly Reader and former Supervising Editor , Scholastic Education . By : Abhi A . , Age 9This summer , I got a chance to go with my family to visit our old friends in Colorado . After a long flight and driving through the mountains , we finally reached their house in Golden , CO . I was so excited . We talked and played for a while , ate lunch and then got on our bikes to visit the area . Soon we were biking by open grasslands . There we saw a big , old house covered with creepers and high walls with thorny bushes around it . The house appeared empty . There were five black crows sitting on the gate watching us . It was getting quite dark so we headed home . We decided to come back next day . Cock - a - doodle - doo , the rooster crowed the next morning . We got up early and were all very excited . We biked to the house . The front yard had very tall grass with shrubs and weeds . The door creaked loudly as we pulled it open . We went inside . It was dark . Suddenly , the door started to close by itself and strange scary sounds filled the air . As we turned on the light switch , a big spark lit up and everything was dark again . We wanted to escape but were trapped ! We were scared . We turned on our flashlights and searched around . As we kept going from one room to another we found lot of silky cobwebs . The rooms smelt of mold . Suddenly , my foot hit something and I tripped over and fell down . It was a handle of a trap door on the floor . We opened it and found a passage inside . Curiously , we crawled in . The door closed automatically . It was a tunnel with light at the end . We could not turn back . We kept going . Finally , after five minutes , the tunnel opened in a place that looked like a barn . We were in the backyard of the house . This was our chance to escape . We grabbed our bikes and fled home as fast as we could . We told our parents what we saw . They immediately called the police and took us back to the house . As we reached the house , things looked different . The crows were gone . The door did not creak or close behind us . The rooms were empty but clean and had no cobwebs or mice . We were really confused . We ran out and lPosted by Once upon a time there was a family that owned a dinosaur . The family has one boy and one girl . The boy is 14 , his name is Mahad . The girl is Maryam , and she is 8 . Their Dad is Mansoor and their mom is Tazeen . The dinosaurs name is Algol . They got him from the Field Museum . He came home with them by walking giant steps behind their car . Bam ! Bam ! Algol is a brown stegosaurus . He has smooth skin , he is 26 years old , and he is thin . His best friend is Mahad because they find food together , from the jungle and from a store called Meijer . One day mom was cooking dinner . She forgot the ingredients so she went to the store to buy them . Accidentally she forgot to turn off the stove ! And the children didn 't dare touch the stove and Algol didn 't touch it because he might do something wrong . When the mother came back with the ingredients the house was on fire . Swoosh ! Swoosh ! the fire spread . The dinosaur was sleeping in the yard and so were the kids . They heard the Swoosh and they felt the hotness of the fire and they saw the red fire . They wanted to wake up Algol to blow the fire away but it was too late . The fire already touched the grass and came on to Algol . Algol screamed " Ouch " and jumped up at the same time . Then he saw the house on fire . Then he said to the family " I 'll blow the fire away . " The family said " OK " . He blew the fire out with his mouth . Fooooo ! He said to the family , come on my hand and then he blew on them so they felt cool . And then he blew so hard they began flying . They were going to fall so Algol caught them on his back but not on his spikes . Then they all felt cool on the grass because the dinosaur had watered the grass before they landed on it . They landed with a soft thud . Then they said thank you to Algol and went to a forest in the woods where they roasted yummy marshmallows and ate them . THE END One day my uncle bought me four boxes of candy . Two boxes sounded like chhhh chhhh chhhh . The others sounded like shaka shaka like a maraca . The candy was Raisinets , Air Heads , Nerds and Sour Patch . Raisinets taste like raisins and were mushy . Air Heads feel sticky when you lick them and touch them . They taste sweet . Nerds feel hard but they taste sour . Sour Patch tastes sour but feel soft . When I ate all the candy in one day , I became ten feet tall . I said " What happened to me ? " No one replied because no one recognized me . My mother said " Get out of here - who are you ? " My father said " Yusuf where are you , I have something for you " . Now that I 'm ten feet tall , I can play basketball and do slam dunks . I can only sit in a van because my head will get bumped in a car . Thud . I can go on all the rides in Six Flags . That will feel good - and bad because my stomach will make a gurgle noise and my teeth will chatter if it is a high ride . My clothes will grow with me . I will jump from roof to roof . Swoosh . Swoosh . My shoe size will be 20 . Then by eating healthy food like vegetables and chicken I will grow thirteen feet tall . These foods taste yummy and awesome . They sometimes feel soft and sometimes feel crunchy . Orange chicken or fried chicken is crunchy . All the kids in the whole universe will buy the same candy and eat them all in one day like me . So then they can become ten feet tall too . But when they will eat healthy food , they can become thirteen feet tall like me . The End There once was family of superheroes . Parents , Greg and Kathy Wayne , had only one child . They named hin Matthew after his great grandfather . Matthew Wayne A . K . A . The Viper , the greatest superhero on earth . Greg and Kathy were also great superhroes . Greg Wayne was Mega Man and had super strength as well as the ability to fly . Kathy Wayne was Lightening - Woman . She had super speed and the ability to move things . She was also able to hold onto a force field . Matthew had just turned thirteen and was hoping to get his powers . After all every super hero got their super powers at about that age . He couldn 't wait . He had already made his costume . One sunny afternoon as Mathew was walking along the sidewalk , to the park he saw a garbage can overflowed with garbage . The smell reminded him of his old friend Roger 's dog . But Roger had moved years ago . Matthew thought to himself ' What should I do about this ? ' . He went straight to City Hall to inform the mayor about the pollution . But sadly the mayor turned him down . Matthew couldn 't just stand there . , he had to do something about this . Matthew went back home to tell his parents about this . His father told him that he should do something about it . His mother agreed . Matthew went back to the park to clean up the mess . Matthew thought to himself , ' This isn 't as easy as I thought it would be , because I still don 't have my powers ' . But that didn 't stop him from cleaning the mess from the park . Matthew even called the janitor of his school to help him . Together they cleaned up the whole park . Over time , Matthew learned that you don 't need to have powers to be a hero . You can be a hero just by cleaning the enviroment . Matthew grew up , got married and had kids but he never got his powers . But he was powerful in his own little way and would live on to influence people and their lives . THE END ! ! ! One day my mother told me we were going to Mexico . ' We are leaving there in three days , ' she said . It was going to be just her and I . I was delighted because I 've always wanted to go there . The next morning we started packing for our trip and we did more of it the day after that . The day night before we were leaving I had to get a good night sleep because we had to wake up at 6 : oo a . m . The next day we went to the airport and waited at the gates for about 2 hours . After that we finally went in the airplane . It took four hours to get to Mexico . First we went to a hotel called Grand Marine . Our Room was awesome and overlooked the sea ! The room number was 204 . We went to a beach and while I was collecting some seashells I found a red ruby diamond . I quickly put it in my sack and didn 't know if I should tell my mom . We ate lunch at Sam & Harry 's but my mom finished quicker and left . I sat there finishing my fish and by then I 'd forgotten my room number . I just knew it was 20 something . It was at that moment , that I passed this awkward looking man who asked another man , " Did you find the red ruby ? " " No , " the other man replied . I think my room number was 208 . I put the card in the slot & it opened . But when I took one step forward , I realized that it was the wrong room . Then I heard the same men in the hallway . " How come you didn 't find the red ruby ? " said one . " It wasn 't there , " the other replied . " Wait ! " I said to myself . " I have the ruby ! " I slowly tried to get out of the wrong room but the man caught me . " Well what have we here ? Who are you ? " he said . " I 'm Zahra " I told him but couldn 't imagine I was dumb . I thought I shouldn 't have told him my name . " " Who are you ? " I asked . " I 'm Carl , " he said . I quickly left before he could ask anything else . As I passed it , I suddenly remembered the room number ! It 's 204 . When I went in the room my mom asked , " What took you so long ? " . " I had to finish my nachos , " I said with guilt . When we went to sleep all these questions were in my head . " WPosted by One cool summer day , Big Bunny woke up in his awesome beach room . It had " sand " on the floor and his bed looked like a shark with the roof looking kind of like an umbrella . What 's more , there was a small little pool just for him outside . IT WAS THE BEST ! When he awoke , he knew something was different , he just knew it but he didn 't quite know what was different . " I wonder , I wonder , well , what 's going on ? " said Big Bunny . All the same he got on with the day . First , he brushed his teeth and washed his face and then he went outside for a little dip in the pool . When he returned , he dried himself off and put on his warm morning clothes . Then , he walked up to his parents room and found they were already awake and to top that they were building something ! His parents didn 't notice him , and Big Bunny thought there were working on some toy , so he walked downstairs . He remained curious even as he readied himself for breakfast . But instead of cereal and milk , across from him , there was scrambled eggs and mush ! The eggs smelled okay but the mush smelled just horrible ! What on earth was that green stuff he wondered to himself ? By now , Big Bunny was very curious , so , he quickly ran upstairs to ask Mom and Dad Bunny what was going on ? As he got there he could hear extremely loud crying and it smelled really , really horrible ! And when he got there , he saw a BABY Bunny ! Big Bunny completely freaked out ! His eyes popped out , his mouth fell open and he went completely nuts ! He yelled , " I have a sibling ! Why didn 't you tell me ? " " We were but we wanted it to be a surprise " , they said . " Well it sure is ! " Big Bunny said ! But Big Bunny didn 't know if it was a boy or a girl . But he didn 't care . After the initial shock wore off , Big Bunny found he was so HAPPY ! He now had a sibling ! But Big Bunny also felt sad because the baby would get all of the attention and he would get none . But guess what ? It turned out that Big Bunny got treated the same way ! And they both loved each other ! The baby loved her crib and her namePosted by Once upon a time , I was wandering through some very dark and spooky woods , searching for my best friend , Jill . It had all started when Jack , her brother , scared Jill away when he popped out of the closet very quickly to scare her . He knew that Jill was a very sensitive person but he did it anyways . Since this wasn 't the first time he had scared her , she overreacted and ran away from our village . I went running after Jill because I didn 't want her to get lost … . . unfortunately , I couldn 't find her ! All of a sudden , with a whoosh and a swish horses came galloping at me . I fled for my life ! Where had they suddenly appeared from ? I thought , feeling as if my heart would jump out of y skin . I had loved horses since I was a little girl , but the horde had startled me by appearing out of nowhere . Suddenly , my curiousity won the upper hand over fear and I wanted to see where these quick and fast horses were headed . to . I hoped they were headed for Beanville , my village , or else I would be stranded . I didn 't want them to run away from me , so I followed them sleathily hoping that they would not see me , a small child who was lost . I was very tired , and my eyes drooped . * * * At the crack of dawn , the horses stopped galloping and I too had become tired and sleepy . The run had lasted a very enormous period of time , much longer than I had thought it did . Before long , I was asleep by a tree . When I awoke , I was frightened and sad because Beanville wasn 't even on the horizon . Weary from running , I decided I would just get on the horses , insteaded of chasing them . I jumped up on one of them . I think I passed out again because when I awoke from my slumber , I was completely unaware of which town I was in . When I looked up , I saw a great , big castle made of candy and chocolate ! Marshmallows , Jollyranchers , Twizlers , Hersheys , Sour Straws , frosting ( which stuck the candy together ) and many other different kinds of candies and chocolates ! ! But I warned myself that those delicious candies had to be ignored until I knew who lived in there ! Naaz YarKhan at On July 23rd , 3 : 01 a . m . , I found myself face - to - face with the biggest change of my life . I was blessed with a pair of identical twin brothers . I had been so excited when I 'd initially found out my mom was having one baby boy , but when she discovered she was having a pair of twins , my heart raced with joy ! I couldn 't wait for those nine months to finish because I wanted to see my siblings ' adorable faces . During those nine months , I made quilts for each of them , and went shopping to get their clothes , toys , blankets , strollers , and swing . Then came the day , and my twin brothers were born into this world . It was a jubilant change to my life . " Aww , they are so cute , " was all I could utter . I had these two adorable brothers and I didn 't know which one to hold first . The first one was named Ismail and the other one was Ishaq . Ismail was born three minutes before Ishaq . They both had brown hair and sky blue eyes . Ismail was 8 ounces and 18 inches while Ishaq was 7 . 2 ounces and 19 inches . They smelled so fresh , looked so cute , but when they cried , my ears would hurt because of their piercing cry . They didn 't cry that much , but when they did , it was very loud . What was most difficult was when they started crying at the same time . It was challenging for my mom as well . She had to take care of two babies at the same time . My dad , siblings , and I helped my mom a lot . They kicked and later rolled all over when you tried to put on their diaper . When I tried to feed the babies their apple sauce , sometimes they ate it but when they didn 't want to , they spat it out on my face . They burped all over their clothes and make them so dirty . Their toys and various accessories also made the house untidy and messy . But we weren 't just helping mother out with the babies , we shared the housework as well . We did the dishes , sweeping , moping , and cleaned the counter tops . I loved watching my twin brothers grow and even though they were very small , over a few months they developed their own , cute personalities . Ismail cried more than IPosted by Once , on a cold winter night , I was alone , and feeling increasingly scared . To keep my mind off of it , I made popcorn which was crunchy and delicious and watched a movie called " KungFu Panda " . Suddenly I heard a creek and I jumped . Then I heard a thud which made me even more frightened . Then the phone rang , I walked slowly to answer the phone but no one spoke . I was scared so I went upstairs with a stick . I walked very slowly the stairs creaked as I walked into my parents room - the biggest room of all time . To my horror , that 's when I spotted the shadow . I fled down stairs and tried to call my parents and they didn 't pick up the phone so I had to think of something and I locked myself in my bedroom closet . " Oh my god I made a mistake , I can 't leave now if I do he 'll probably kill me . " I was so scared I said the shahada , a prayer thinking it was my last day to live . My body hurt from staying in that teeny place for so long . The pain was unbearable for me . I wantedmy parents to show up fast so I could go to them and not feel as worried . I was still scared but I stepped out anyways thinking I would rather die than continue to be squished in that closet for an hour longer . I tiptoed to check my sisters room . There was no one there . It was the same with my room . The only room left was the scariest , the master bedroom . I can 't do it , I thought . Building up some courage I said the Three Kul prayers and started walking with a bat and a knife . Everything was fine until I found myself upside down . I was trapped ! ! I wiggled so much that I escaped . Suddenly , I heard a door fly open and hid under the bed . The the person started screaming my name " Ayesha " , and it sounded like my mom . So I rushed down stairs and saw my mom , dad , and sister . I gave my mom a big hug ; and as soon as I turned around I glimpsed the man by the hiding behind the stairs . I screamed so loud that my parents too saw what has frightened me . They called the police . They arrested the man and took him far away from me . But ever since that day , I 've aPosted by One dark , cold , Halloween night , I was walking home from my friend 's house , when I saw a man holding up a knife . He was dressed in a black gown with the hood on his head . I was so scared , that I thought it was my last day to live . I started running at top speed and as I was about to enter the garage , when I tripped on a sharp rock . The jagged edge of the rock went into my knee with the other half still left sticking out . I screamed for the pain was unbearable . I was trembling in fear and my heart was thumping but the man was still there and I knew if I wanted to survive I had to go inside the house . With tears streaming down my face , I limped into the garage and closed the garage door . I had never experienced something so scary and frightening before . My knee was hurting so much and I was out of breath , but I felt safe and no longer worried about the man . I dragged myself to my parents ' room , explained the whole story and showed them my knee . They screamed in panic on seeing my knee and quickly called the hospital . An ambulance came to my house and put me on a stretcher . They took me to the hospital , and the nurse took me to a room that smelled of different types of medicines . It was very stuffy in the room . The doctor examined my knee immediately and decided I would need surgery . When I heard that I would need surgery I started crying like there was no tomorrow . They wrapped my knee and gave me an ice pack . They said they would start the surgery the following morning . I thought of nothing but the surgery the whole night . I did not want to go through with it . I was worried they would cut off my whole leg . I was afraid that something would go wrong in the surgery . What if I was not able to walk again ? All these worries in my head were making this surgery a lot scarier . I tried reasoning with myself - I had to get surgery or else the pain in my knee would not go away . It was my only option , so I had to deal with it and have a positive attitude . I tried to get a goodnight 's sleep and forced myself to forget about tPosted by My class was working on an Australian animal project . My animal was the Frilled Lizard . I don 't know why I picked the frilled lizard , I just did . It has those frills to scare away other creatures and I thought it was cool . I did a lot of research , and even went to the library and read books on the subject . Then I started to make lots of notes that night . When I was too tired , I decided to go to sleep . The next day I didn 't need to take my homework to school so I left my project on my desk in my room . I came back from school and went to my room to do my project , I wasn 't able to find my paper full of notes . I looked all over the room . I still couldn 't find the notes ! Suddenly , I saw a messed up paper airplane in the garbage . I realized that it was my page of notes . I tried to read it , but I couldn 't . All my writing had been smeared . Seeing this made me feel angry and sad . I was frustrated that I had to do it all over again . I was trying to figure out how this happened and who did it . I didn 't know what to do . I asked my little brother if he messed up my paper and he quietly said , " Yes . " I was so angry at him , but then I realized that he was very little and I should have kept my notes away from his reach . Finally , I found mom and told her the whole story . She looked at me and smiled . She said " You should keep your homework away from your little brother " . I was wondering why she was smiling ? Maybe she didn 't think it was important ? She took me to the computer room and told me to turn on the computer . I turned it on and guess what I saw ? I started to smile too . My notes ! She had typed them on the computer before my little brother turned it into a messed up airplane . THE END " Ding Dong " went the doorbell at exactly 9 : 00 A . M . , as usual . I smiled as I opened the door to let my friend , Hannah , in . We exchanged brief hellos and headed out for our usual spot under the big oak tree in the backyard . As I stepped outside , I covered my eyes from the bright sun that greeted us and I quickly scrambled to the wonderfully cool shade of the tree . I dropped down onto the grass , while Hannah , being her usual graceful self , lowered herself down next to me with ease . " So , " she said , " What should we do today ? " I sighed and shrugged my shoulders . It was summer vacation and on the last day of school , Hannah and I agreed to spend everyday of vacation together . Well , after four days of art projects , fashion shows , internet surfing , movies , and kite flying , we were bored out of our minds . Just then , a blue bird landed on my mother 's favorite rose bush . Suddenly , my mother ran out of the house and towards the bush . Hannah and I giggled as we watched my mother shout at the birds and shoo them away with her flour covered hands . Apparently , she had been in the middle of one of her many baking projects . Finally , the bird flew away . " Oh , I wish those birds would stay off my bush , " she gasped , out of breath , " They keep trying to build nests and it looks very unattractive . " That gave me an idea , so I turned to Hannah and said , " I bet we could think of a way to keep the birds away . We could throw something and scare them . " Hannah agreed , but my mother was shaking her head . " I don 't want you two to hurt the birds , " she said , " just keep them off my bush . " Then she walked back into the house in a huff . " How about we throw something next to the bush instead of on it ? " Hannah suggested . I agreed and we immediately got to work . We looked all around the house for things to throw . We tried cotton balls , but they were too light . We were going to try spoons , but my mother stopped us because she didn 't want them getting dirty . Next to the rose bush , my mother was very protective of her silverwarPosted by On Monday morning I woke up at 5 : 00 am . I made myself a bagel with cream cheese and went out to the porch . It was hot , but there was a gentle breeze which made my hair rustle . I sat in my old rocking chair , and took big bites of my bagel and chewed slowly while I watched the sun rise . Then I went out to the farm and checked on the crops . I found crows eating the corn stalks . " Get out of here ! " I shouted , but only one flew away . I waved my hands in the air at them . Two more flew away . I crossed my arms and grunted in frustration . Those birds always ate my corn stalks ! I quickly walked to the shed and got out my whip . Then , when I got to the crows on the corn stalk , I cracked my whip at the remaining birds . They fluttered in fear . " Caw - caw ! Caw - caw ! " I need to find a way to get the crows away from my crops , I thought . When I went inside , I decided to look online for ideas . I sat in my pink fluffy chair in front of the computer . Then I typed in the address bar " google . com " . Tap , tap , tap went the keys on the keyboard as I searched " keeping crows away from plants . " I was amazed by how many results I got ! I clicked on the first link . It brought me to a website with many ways to prevent birds from eating crops . This was exactly what I needed ! The first thing on the list was " make a scarecrow . " When I read this , I knew it was the perfect idea . I clicked on " make a scarecrow " , and it showed me the materials needed to make it and instructions . I needed a pole , straw , and clothes . I decided to go to the store just for the pole and straw because I could just use my own clothes for the scarecrow . I went to the store Michaels because I knew they would have everything I needed . I lived in the country and it was a long drive into the city . The car bumped along over gravel until I got on to smooth city roads . On my way , I passed a garage sale . I should stop there on my way back , I thought . After I bought all I needed from the store , I stopped at the garage sale I had seen earlier . Some things stood out includPosted by Over the Fourth of July weekend , my family went to Mt . Rushmore . It took 14 hours to get there . On the way there , my sister and I watched some movies like Shirley Temple 's Bright Eyes and the Trumpet of the Swan . After our long drive we got to the hotel . Since none of us were tired my dad decided to take us to Crazy Horse Memorial . By the time my family got there it was 8 : 30 and there was a show called " A Legend in Lights " where they lit images on the mountain to tell the story of Crazy Horse , the show was at 9 o ' clock . To pass the time my family and I went around the small museum and watched a movie about the sculptor , Korczak Ziolkowski who had started working on the mountain but died before the face was complete . Finally it was time for the show . We went to our car where we had a good view of the mountain and watched the show . It was amazing how the lights looked on the mountain even though they were projected from the ground . The show told the story of both Crazy Horse and Korczak with different animations . In the morning I thought I 'd be off to Mt . Rushmore , I WISH . First my dad had to find what was happening at Mt . Rushmore and after that my mom made us clean up the car . All in all the morning was a drag . Mt . Rushmore has fireworks on the third of July , that 's when I discovered that not everyplace has fireworks on the Fourth . When we drove past Mt . Rushmore , we saw people getting seats for the fireworks which started at 9 : 15pm and it was only 10 o ' clock in the morning right then . We could not find a place to park and had to just wave at the presidents as we drove past . My dad thought we should go to Jewel Cave instead . My mom saw a flyer about the Junior Ranger Program at Jewel Cave National Park . In the program , the Park Rangers give you a sheet of paper that has questions about the national park and if you get them right you are awarded a Junior Ranger Badge . My mom compelled my sister and I to do the Junior Ranger Program . Examples of questions were , how is a forest fire most likely to startPosted by Dear Reader , Don 't you think that children should have ice cream everyday of the summer ? Well I do and here are some tips to get ice cream everyday of the summer . Ask your mom at the grocery store to get a huge tub of ice cream to last the summer and if your mom says NO say that ice cream is probably on summer CLEARNCE ! You can always beg and if that doesn 't work say you 'll pay for it . You can pay for it by setting up a lemonade stand in your neighborhood . You can also do something really good and as a reward go for ice cream . Try telling your parents you need ice cream for a new dessert you want to make . You can do chores like cleaning the house or workbooks and if you don 't get ice cream from that say you won 't eat any other food . I don 't think this will work though . Tell your parents ice cream is a great cool down in the summer and you will get enough exercise to burn of the calories and will brush extra long before bed to prevent cavities . If they say no then ask for fruit bars instead . Its not ice cream but still is cool and sweet anyway . If you do any one of these things they will probably work so get out there and enjoy your ice cream . If you do all the things you might get ice - cream most everyday in the summer or at least most days . Sincerely , Samia A . Qadir It was a hot summer day and the air was filled with delicious smells of the neighbors BBQ . Jane had nothing to do except feeding the birds some leftover food . It was so boring doing that . Suddenly , Jane remembered that there were some bricks in the backyard shed left over from dad 's construction project last year . She had a perfect idea of what to do next . She would make a brick wall and see how high the bricks could go . Maybe she could even climb them to see what the neighbors were grilling , she thought . She picked up a pink and blue brick but because they were so heavy , Jane dropped one of them . The brick fell on the pavement with a loud boom and broke into several pieces and made the birds fly away . Dad heard the loud sound and ran out yelling " Janette Goodman what have you done now ! ? ! " " Dad I just dropped the bricks and the birds … " Just then mom interrupted and said " … flew away ! " before adding , " Jane what have I told you about the leftover food that the birds don 't eat ? " " Ummmmm . . . I don 't remember , " replied Jane . " The food will rot and ruin our yard and make it smell disgusting like a skunk ! Let 's go inside " , said Mom . As they walked inside the house , Dad said " remember last time our yard smelled , the neighbors called ROTTEN YARD INC . to complain about our yard . We have to make sure that doesn 't happen again . " Just as they shut the door behind them , there was a knock . It was Jake , Jane 's older brother . " Where were you Jake , you are half an hour late ! " yelled Mom . " Mom it 's not my fault , Mark took too long to do his HW " said Jake . " Don 't use your friend as an excuse , you shoule have been responsible enough to call me and tell me that you are going to be late , " said Mom . Then she ordered Jake to go into his room . Jane was also asked to go in her room . As soon as Jane got into her room she knew exactly what to do . Spy on Jake with the newest spy gadget , The Spy Fly ! It was a mechanical fly with binoculars for eyes . Jane saw Jake making plans to jump out of his window and head to Marks . As soon as Jane heard thisPosted by Once my family went to my sister 's piano recital . While we were gone my white , fluffy dog Jordan got into a bag of dark chocolate , but we didn 't know . He usually is playful and friendly , but now he was limping , shivering and wouldn 't play with his toys . " Mom , Jordan is breathing weird and acting funny ! " I told my mom . But she ignored me , so I went to bed . Suddenly , my sister screamed , " Aaah , there 's something gooey and dark brown on my carpet ! " My dog had thrown up in four different places in my sister 's room ! Most of it was dark brown and chunky . While I was sleeping , my mom and my sister Maddie had to clean up the mess , using spoons and a carpet cleaner . Then they had to take my dog to the animal hospital because dark chocolate is poisonous to dogs ! Maddie held Jordan with a towel , in case he got sick again in our brand - new car ! While they were gone , my other sister , Olivia , woke me up and told me that he was at the hospital . The vet gave him medicine that made him throw up the rest of the chocolate and made him go to sleep after . Then Jordan was able to come home . When he got home , I saw that Jordan had chocolate around his mouth and down the front of his body . Boy , did he smell like a cup of cocoa ! So , my mom gave him a bath . The next day a part of my dog 's cheek was green . So now Jordan is all white , except for his black nose , red tongue and green cheek . I don 't know why but the green is still there . I guess my Mom missed that part of his cheek ! THE END When I planted the strange looking seeds they took 10 minutes to grow . Out came a beautiful yellow flower with a large ' Pop ' ! The flower was shaped like a sun and it smelled like popcorn . I wondered if the flower tasted like popcorn . I picked off one of the petals . It felt like smooth and slippery like silk . Then , I tasted it and the petal melted in my mouth . The flower tasted like popcorn ! Maybe there were more seeds in the package , I thought to myself and there were . I 'd discovered something new ! I decided I would call this plant The Popcorn Plant . I planted a whole garden of them and soon I figured I could make lots of different things out of this plant . I made popcorn plant soup , popcorn plant muffins , cookies , air freshner , and even cookbooks of popcorn plant recipes . I was on my way to buy more popcorn plant seeds at the plant store and walked down the aisle when out of the corner of my eye , I saw another strange looking seed . I brought it home and wondered what that strange looking seed would look like . I wondered what it would taste like . The new seed was a mystery and I was all set to resolve it . Once upon a time , there lived a cute , fluffy husky - puppy named Snowspot . He had an awful , mean owner named Bill . Bill was so mean and unfair to Snowspot even though he was considered the nicest man in the town . Because he was so nice , the town gave him a mansion , farm and a 3 acre garden . He made Snowspot sleep in a foul smelling doghouse that had bugs and spiders crawling all over it , made him eat bland , dirty flakes and whipped him when he did the tiniest thing wrong . One morning , Bill made Snowspot pull a vast , old , rickety sleigh full of huge pointy sharp boulders . Bill knew that Snowspot was just a puppy and would never be able to manage it without falling , getting hurt or breaking the sleigh . Sunstripe , a golden brown husky , Snowspot 's best friend , was waiting for him at the garden pond and tried to make him feel better . While the two were talking about Snowspot 's troubles , a fairy appeared . The fairy was wearing an aqua - marine long dress , aqua - marine marabou shoes , and had long , brown hair . She asked Snowspot if he wanted three wishes . Of course , he said yes ! So , for his first wish , Snowspot wished that Bill would stay in a hard bed all day so Snowspot wouldn 't have to do anything for 24 hours . At least , that was what he thought would happen . The beautiful fairy granted Snowspots wish and Bill stayed in bed all day , but ordered Snowspot around to get him hot food , clean the messy house , weed the 3 acre garden , and bring him things . He would have never gotten it done without Sunstripe 's help . He almost didn 't have the energy to go back to the fairy . For his second wish , he wished that Bill would go to Hawaii on an important business trip . The fairy granted the wish and sure enough , Bill had to go to Hawaii . Unfortunately , on his trip , Bill met a bad , mischievous fairy who granted him one wish . Bill wished that the house would be messy so Snowspot would have to clean it up . When Bill got home , he made Snowspot clean the house up . Snowspot spent the next four days cleaning up the mansion floor . Since Posted by One evening , I was taking a break from doing my homework when my mom said , " Why don 't you take a walk in the forest . " I was walking for about 15 minutes when I heard a horse galloping nearby . I wanted to know were it was going but I couldn 't see it properly because it was too dark so I followed the sounds of the horse . It took me to a castle made out of gold . I saw a huge moat with big and mean alligators . I could see their teeth glistening in the moonlight . The drawbridge opened for the horse and I followed it into the castle . When I came in , there was a huge feast being set up . There was roast chicken , ribs , wine and a lot of other food . There were also a lot of decorations and banners with " Newborn " written on them . I guess that meant there was a new baby in the castle . I thought I might get caught so I took a left turn . There were three rooms . One room was full of jewelry like crowns , rings , bracelets , necklaces , earrings , and gold . I took as much as I could . Then I went into the other room and saw two thrones with king and queen written on each one of them . They were golden and had a soft , red cushion for the seat . I was thankful nobody was there because everybody was at the feast . I went to the last room , it was a dungeon . The prisoners were hanging on the wall from chains . When the prisoners saw me they shouted , " Thief ! Thief ! " I ran for it as fast as I could though I didn 't know where I was going . I opened a door into a castle passageway . It was very dark . I didn 't know where to go . I knew I couldn 't go out or I would be caught . Luckily there was light behind me . It was a torch . I also realized that the jewelry was slowing me down . I spotted a window that was the size of a knight 's helmet . I threw the jewelry into the forest so no one could find it . Then I used the torch to find my way . I came to another door . I went inside it . It was lit up . It was a place for the knights to train . All the knights saw me . They ran after me . They all took a torch with them . I went back the same way I came . Posted by Once my family went to my sister 's piano recital . While we were gone my white , fluffy dog Jordan got into a bag of dark chocolate , but we didn 't know . He usually is playful and friendly , but now he was limping , shivering and wouldn 't play with his toys . " Mom , Jordan is breathing weird and acting funny ! " I told my mom . But she ignored me , so I went to bed . Suddenly , my sister screamed , " Aaah , there 's something gooey and dark brown on my carpet ! " My dog had vomited four different places in my sister 's room ! Most of the vomit was dark brown and chunky . While I was sleeping , my mom and my sister Maddie had to clean up the mess , using spoons and a carpet cleaner . Then they had to take my dog to the animal hospital because dark chocolate is poisonous to dogs ! Maddie held Jordan with a towel , in case he got sick again in our brand - new car ! While they were gone , my other sister , Olivia , woke me up and told me that he was at the hospital . The vet gave him medicine that made him throw up the rest of the chocolate and made him go to sleep after . Then Jordan was able to come home . When he got home , I saw that Jordan had chocolate around his mouth and down the front of his body . Boy , did he smell like a cup of cocoa ! So , my mom gave him a bath . The next day a part of my dog 's cheek was green . So now Jordan is all white , except for his black nose , red tongue and green cheek . I don 't know why but the green is still there . I guess my Mom missed that part of his cheek ! One evening , I was swimming in a lake . The lake was in the woods by my house . Eventually I got out because I was shivering and the water was too cold for me to continue swimming . I saw a horse galloping really fast from the mountains . The horse was all white but only its tail was black . The saddle was bright yellow with purple and pink stars on it . I wanted to see where it was headed so when it got near me I jumped on it . I fell off right away because I didn 't land on the saddle and I didn 't hold on to the reins . The ground was soft and grassy so I didn 't get hurt . I still wanted to ride the horse . So I got up and ran after it and got back on it . My heart was beating really fast . This time I held on to the reins of the horse really tight and sat on the saddle . Suddenly it started to rain . The horse jumped in a puddle and water splashed on me . The horse led me to a graveyard with lots of stone people and skeletons . There were children , adults , grandmas and grandpas that were carved in stone . There were cob webs and dust everywhere . The place was interesting but it was also scary and spooky because it was so dark and the stone people looked like they could catch me . I was glad I had my flashlight with me so I could see in the dark . I dropped my flashlight by accident and it turned off . I was scared and I was about to cry . Then some other person entered the graveyard and he had his flashlight on . It was a man with orange hair and red eyes . He was wearing jeans and a green t - shirt with a picture of a ghost on it . He was going to put another skeleton up . He looked mean so I crouched behind a stone person . I was worried he might find me because my teeth were chattering . Then behind me I saw a path leaving the graveyard so I quickly ran and followed the path out but it led me back to the graveyard . I felt scared and suffocated . Luckily I found the horse 's footprints and I followed them back to the lake and went back home relieved . What a nightmare ! The End Kids TV reviewJune 14 , 2008 - Faisal Khurshid , age 13My favorite children 's television show has got to be " Drake and Josh . " The show is an impeccable display of the timeless battle between the person who " has it all , " and the unfortunate person who still finds happiness . Drake and Josh are two teenage boys who become brothers after their parents marry . Drake is the stereotypically cool , fashionable guitar player who gets all the girls . Josh is the smart , nerdy klutz who is outlandishly clumsy with girls . They have a sister , Megan , who is the eccentrically evil little sister . The show is entertaining to both children and adults because it is the perfect mix of zany comedy with eloquent plot . Parents need not worry about it having a bad influence on their child ( ren ) . " Drake and Josh " is the perfect blend of silliness and everyday struggle , making it an astoundingly enjoyable show . The Tribune is asking kids 14 and younger , with their parents ' permission , to review their favorite kids TV series , to be printed Saturdays . They must be 150 words or fewer . E - mail them to ctc - arts @ tribune . comwith your name , age , address and the daytime telephone number where we can reach your parents . In the subject field , write " KIDS TV REVIEW . " One day a young man named Charles Bonnet was walking his dog in a wood filled with thick green rustling leaves . They heard the wind howl and at the same time birds were chirping . They spotted a golden harp sitting on a dull rock . They starred and wondered where it came from . Amazed at its beauty they walked toward the river , which smelled fresh like newly fallen dew . They looked into the water and wondered if the harp came from a mermaid , or if it just drifted from someplace and landed on the rock . They wanted to get across and see it closer . So they stepped gently onto the slippery rocks . These rocks were particularly rough and seemed partly hollow . The dog thought he saw a rock moving , but Charles knew it was just a turtle . Charles jumped to the closest rock , then he fell into the water with a splash and hit his head on a large rock . Thump ! His dog , Coacoa was a very small dog , but he was just the right size to chomp onto Charles ' shirt and pull him to safety . The dog pulled Charles to the rock with the harp , and lifted his head above the water . He placed it comfortably near the harp . When Charles was able to breathe again , he said softly , " Thank you . " Suddenly , the dog jumped into the river in surprise because the harp magically started strumming a beautiful melody . It started to play because the wonderful fairy Lulu lived within the harp , and when she dusted the inner sides of the instrument , it began to play . The music filled the air with the smells of flowers . The flowers reminded Charles of the first day of spring this year . The flowers don 't smell sweet they smell a little strong . Like all the plants sprouting up . When Charles and dog where safely on the rock they studied the harp . Charles was curious and wanted to play the harp . When he was about to play he felt a deep rush of anger . He had it because he thought he was foolish to try to jump so far . When he finally reached out for the strings , that were thick and bumpy , there was no sound . " It 's not making any noise Coacoa . " said Charles in suPosted by Dusk , is the moonlight fairy that makes the moon rise and fall and helps people fall asleep . Every night Dusk whispers her favorite lullaby that her mother sang to her when she was young . When the moon comes up she goes to the moon and stars and paints them with a shimmering , vanilla bean white paint and then sings , " Hush Little Baby " to help people fall asleep . They hear it in their dreams and soon they are in dream land . Dusk has ruffled dark - blue wings that flutter through the night sky . She wears a hot - pink dress made of silk and a silver tiara that shimmers in the sun . She smells like fresh bubble gum with a touch of sugar . Dusk lives in a house in a hollow mushroom that smells like a forest . On the first floor in her kitchen , she has a table and some chairs , a charcoal stove and a peppermint sink . She loves to cook for her family which visits the fourth Tuesday of the month . She always cooks fresh corn on the cob and pot roast . Her bedroom is chocolate brown and hot pink , which smells like coffee . She has a brown water bed , a pink ruffled lamp and a soft brown and pink side table . On her side table there is a smooth magic globe that shows her family and what they are doing - every fairy gets one . When she says a family member 's name , they pop up out of nowhere . Dusk used to be a juggler , who wore a big red bow in her hair and a stripped red and white shirt and pants . One day while she was on stage , she heard a big " boo " and she saw who it was and started to cry . Then she ran out of the circus and hid in a pizza parlor that smelled like fresh tomatoes . After she felt a little better , she went to her parent 's house and told them the whole story . Before she became a juggler her parent 's had always wanted her to be the moonlight fairy , and that is how her soon - to - be - new - career had started . Every night when she was young , her mom had sung Dusk her favorite lullaby , " Hush Little Baby " . When she told her parents what happened at the circus , her mother said now was the time to become the Moonlight FaPosted by My Teddy Bear My teddy bear has been with me since I was seven months old . Waa ! He has held his smell of me for a very long time and it has the scent of lilacs . It sometimes smells like a winter day with snow pouring out of the sky . He reminds me when my dad 's friend gave him to me . " Here you go . " When he gave him to me he hugged me and he lifted me in his arms . He also reminds me of the middle of the day . He makes me feel secure and comforted . I have had him for nine years now . We love each other . He is so cuddly and feels rough on his head where he has a big hole but I still love him . His eyes feel really smooth and round . His nose feels bumpy and his knob for music is really bumpy and hard . He has never gotten lost because he is always on my bed or in my arms . Every night I have chocolate with him and at bed - time I say good night to him . The End Wispy gusts of snow veiled the street outside of the warm café window . Carter and I sat there with steaming mugs of cocoa in our hands , as his mother rambled on about how far back their faith goes . Carter 's family went to church every Sunday , literally ( if the world exploded , they 'd still be kneeling in the pews ) and his mother always raved about how her great aunt was a nun , or that her brother was off in the peace core . But the incessant flow of Mrs . Petry 's voice stopped abruptly , and she awkwardly stumbled over that one shame in her ancestry . " Well , you see … " She sucked in her breath and held it as while before continuing , " That 's the end of our long line of commitment to the church I guess , your Great Great Grandfather ; was a pirate " Carter , who at the time had been aimlessly twirling his finger in the fluffy whipped cream , snapped his head up at that . Now you can imagine how any 2nd grader would feel about this chunk of news , nothing became more important to him . I watched as a spark of interest exploded in his sea green eyes , and something told me he might take this too far . I never saw anyone spit out as many questions at once as Carter did : Who was he ? Where was he from ? Do I look like him ? Do we still have his treasure ? The list went on and on . Mrs . Petry avoided the questions as best as she could weary of herself for even thinking of telling Carter of all people . But Carter never stopped asking questions for the rest of that Friday afternoon . I had no idea that on Saturday , the old Carter would walk the plank . I woke the nest morning in the pale winter sunlight , and dressed in bundles as I got ready to walk the dog . Carter and I took our dogs on long walks every Saturday morning , even though Mr . and Mrs . Petry didn 't really approve of a mutt like mine , but tradition is tradition . So I stumbled across the sick iced sidewalks as quickly and carefully as I could to Carter 's crisp , white colonial home . Henry panted excitedly as I rapped on the large red door , both of us excited for a good day . The door Posted by By Katy E . Mamma loved roses , she had bushes and bushes of them growing around our house . In the warm months , when they blossomed , she would place them in every room , slipping them in her art deco vases . That 's the theme of our house rose - art deco . Up stairs , her studio looked more like a green house than a studio , with all the roses she had put in it . The whole western side of the studio was glass , and over looked Mamma 's enormous rose garden . She grew every rose imaginable , I never really remembered the names of any , even though she often tried to drill it through my sisters ' and mine 's head . She would take us up the long spirled starecase to her studio and we would look out the large " looking glass " as Mamma called it , and she would name all of her roses . Rain or shine she would walk through her gardens and talking and singing to them . She told me once that they talk back to her in voices of melted gold . I thought that this was very strange , but not wanting to hurt Mamma 's feelings I said nothing of my opinion and smiled and nodded . Unfortunately , the roses Mamma loved so much out lived her . We all knew that Mamma had heart problems , yet we didn 't think much of it . Sometimes she would go into surgery and would stay at the hospital over night with Daddy . Auntie would then come and stay with my two older sisters and I . We would watch movies and eat popcorn ; then Auntie would tell us embarrassing stories when she and Mamma were little . So we barely thought anything of it when she went in for another surgery . Yet , this time Mamma didn 't come back . We planted Mamma 's favorite roses on her grave , and had them border her tomb stone . After Mamma 's death Daddy became less and less cheerful . Before , Daddy had always been playful and boyish , he would often run Mamma up the wall with his jokes and little pranks . Now his mood had slipped into the deep casams of thought and distress . Auntie came to visit more often but , her visits weren 't the same . They never were . I would often find myself sitting in MPosted by Freddy 's Home RunBy Maura Zindler The fireflies buzzed in loopy circles around the gnarled oak tree that late July evening . Freddy nestled himself inside the hole in the trunk , feeling cozy surrounded by all the crinkling leaves . Just as the tiny squirrel was drifting asleep , he was startled by a loud crack , and he felt the tree shake around him . " What could that be ? " Freddy thought in surprise . He scurried out of his nest to figure out what was the matter . Dusk was falling thicker around him , but the lights from the small stadium , which actually seemed rather enormous to Freddy , cast a yellow glow on the grass . To Freddy 's surprise , he did discover what had hit the ancient tree - it was a baseball . But of course he didn 't know that it was a baseball ! To him it looked like a giant , white walnut practically the size of him ( Fred had always been small for his age ! ) . Something else now caught Freddy 's attention and he was entranced by a thick salty scent that no squirrel could resist : roasted peanuts . Freddy 's dark eyes widened as he thought of the wonderful crunchy taste . He just had to have one peanut ! Although he had tasty acorns to snack on inside the tree , he scampered off following the scent . It wasn 't long before Freddy reached the tall fence . Even though he was always warned never to jump over it , he climbed up onto the bush and leapt across . He seemed to have tossed aside everything he had learned in Squirrel School . All he wanted was roasted peanuts . Soon he would learn he had made a huge mistake . Strong lights stared down on tiny Freddy as he realized his surroundings . He was standing timidly on a grassy field ; he could see people standing out there , crouching down as if ready to pounce upon something . Suddenly , with a crack of a bat , he was startled as people began to run around much too fast for his eyes to follow . This wasn 't what Freddy had expected - he 'd find a peanut , and leave before anyone noticed him . The plan had been risky , and he had thought he could do it . . . until just now . A voice echoed throPosted by The sun was shining through the leaves warming Nutty 's body . He heard the sound of children laughingfrom below his nest in the tree . Nutty began to wake up . He stretched until he felt like he could touch the sun . Heshook out his fur and washed his face with a drop of rain from last night . He scampered down the endless tree . When he finally reached the soft dewy grass , he was thrilled with what he saw . It was one of those big whitetents again . He couldn 't wait to see what left over treats there were today ! He scurried under the giant white tarp and smelled a sweet , strawberry smell . He found what looked like apink cloud only it was small and on the ground . He realized that the delicious smell was coming from the pinkcloud . He picked it up with his tiny hands and put it in his mouth . Instantly , he was filled with happiness as thepink cloud disappeared on his tongue . Just then , a tiny person came waddling into the tent . He was crying out , " Momma , where are you ? " Nutty remembered times when he was little and he was lost and looking forhis mom . He decided to help . He ran across the tall damp grass until he reached the little boy . The boy seemedfrightened . His eyes widened and he shied away . He calmed down after Nutty gave him his best " puppy eyes " . The boy asked , " Have you seen my mom ? " Nutty nodded yes , even though he hadn 't , just so the boy would let him help . The boy made a gesture and set his hand on the ground so Nutty could climb on . Nutty scrambled on and wentup and up into the air as if he was flying ! The boy started to move . Nutty had to balance himself or he would falloff the hand . The boy then talked on and on about how he got lost . Nutty tried his best to understand " toddlertalk " but could only make out that Jared , that was his name , got separated from his mom at the fountain by therose bushes . Nutty nodded throughout the story until Jared stopped walking . Nutty looked around and thenlooked at Jared 's eyes to see where they were looking . " I cant remember where the fountain is ! " Jared whiPosted by As the water trickles down the river , I smell nothing but crisp , fresh , air . I see tall trees and blooming plants , puffy , white clouds and the mountains in the horizon - a barrier . The river is calm and pure . I sauntered down the rocky hills and sandy shores and finally into the river . It feels just like I imagined , silky and smooth as I glide through the thin , calm river . Dear Mrs . Khan , Thank you for all the support and encouragement this past year . You are a wonderful teacher and without your guidance , I would not have motivated myself to publish my poems . . . Love , Katy E . Dear Naazish , Thank you so much for your wonderful writing instruction . ( We ) got a lot out of our sessions . I 'll definitely consider continuing in the Fall ! Cheers , Jenifer B . " It was great having you as our resource person for the workshop . Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the workshop and learned a lot from it . In fact , our KG teacher , Ms . Hashmi , implemented your tip and found it to be very effective . JazakAllah ! " Ms . Sakina Ali , Principal , Averroes Academy , Northbrook , IL Life in the Ghetto , by Anika D . Thomas , was presented a Special Recognition Award by the Robert F . Kennedy Book Award Foundation . • Who Owns the Sun ? , by Stacy Chbosky , was made into an award - winning , live - action film by Disney Educational Productions . • The Half & Half Dog , by Lisa Gross , was chosen by the editors of Newsweek as one of the Fifteen Best Children 's Books of the 1988 Christmas season . • A Stone Promise , by Cara Reichel . Cara enjoyed presenting an autographed copy of her book to President and Mrs . George Bush in the Rose Garden of the White House . • Joshua Disobeys , by six - year - old Dennis Volmer , is featured as a fine example of a picture - story book in the Harcourt Brace Jovanovich Treasures To Share Library Series . Dennis is also listed in the Guinness World Records as the youngest author / illustrator of a commercially published book . • Fogbound , by Steven Shepard , inspired an orchestral score that was composed by Stanford University professor and conductor , Dr . Arthur Barnes . The premiere performance was presented by the Pops Orchestra at the Lincoln Arts Festival . • World War Won , by Dav Pilkey . Dav has now become one of America 's most popular creators of children 's books and has had over 26 more books published . • Elmer the Grump , by Elizabeth Haidle . Elizabeth has gone on to illustrate 16 other books that have been published , and she had contracts to illustrate 10 more . • A Special Day , by Dubravaka Kolanovic . Dubravaka returned to her home in Croatia where she has illustrated 3 more books that have been published in her country . Welcome Budding Writers , Parents , And Lovers of Poetry & Dramatic , Wondrous Tales ! This blog will house stories that have been percolating at the Writers Studio . It 's work by our students , some barely six years old , others on the verge of teen - dom , and still others young adults ! It 's also an e - version of our Doors Wide Open newsletter , which is edited and designed by our students . I 'll be posting announcements of upcoming workshops here too . Of course , if you know children who 'd like to take their creative writing to the next step , I could have a workshop materialize around your dinner table ! Happy Reading ! Questions on Writing ? Naaz YarKhan My Novel " Even the Peacock Cries " is ready and I 'm currently looking for an agent and publisher to fall in love with it . Content Strategy , PR , Social Media and Marketing Communications define my professional life . Winner of the Muslim Women 's Alliance " Inspiring Woman Award " and the CIOGC Excellence in Community Service Award " inter - faith relations and community service are huge parts of my identity . I also dabble as commentator for NPR / Chicago Public Radio and PBS . An international writer with Common Ground News Service , Saudi Aramco World magazine , blogger for Huffington Post , I have written for over 50 outlets internationally . Like a mutual fund , my portfolio is varied - parenting , education and technology , race relations , women 's issues , politics and adventure sports . My work has been published in Chicago , Toronto , India and Oman . View my complete profile |
Author 's note : Due to a typographical error the previous chapter posted here was labeled Chapter 3 . It was in fact Chapter 2 . This is the real Chapter 3 . " Dr . Sam says it 's tonsillitis . If they decide to remove them , we won 't be back until later , probably this afternoon . Will you watch TJ while we 're gone ? I think Joel is old enough to take care of himself . " I ushered TJ and Peter to the car and we took off for the hospital . It was about a 45 minute drive to Christus Santa Rosa . We arrived and I was lucky enough to find a parking spot reasonably close to the door of the hospital . I carried Peter into the hospital while TJ held one of his hands . I walked up to the front desk and gave them all the information . I was given a clipboard with a number of forms on it that I needed to fill out . I sat down on one of the chairs in the waiting area and completed the paperwork . A short while later , Dr . Sam and a younger doctor arrived to where we were seated . He introduced the younger doctor as Dr . Prentiss and said that he would be the one to do the procedure . They escorted us to an examination room where Dr . Prentiss confirmed Sam 's diagnosis . " Yeah , those are really nasty looking , " Dr . Prentiss said . " I think we need to take care of them right now and not wait . I 'll have a nurse come and prepare him . She 'll take him to the outpatient surgery area . The anesthesiologist will give him something to put him to sleep . After that , I 'll have to ask you to wait in the waiting room until I 'm finished . It shouldn 't take all that long . " " TJ , your brother is going to be just fine , " Dr . Sam said , noticing the concerned look on TJ 's face . " His throat will be sore for a few days , but that will go away and he 'll be back to normal . Besides , he 'll get to have a lot of ice cream . You never know , you might get to eat some with him . " Both doctors left . About five minutes later a nurse arrived and got Peter into a hospital gown , which he wasn 't too pleased about . She left and returned shortly with an orderly and after transferring Peter to a gurney , they wheeled him to the outpatient surgery area . TJ and I trailed behind them . We waited a few more minutes before the anesthesiologist arrived carrying a tray with a syringe and a small vial of clear liquid . " I 'm Dr . Klein , " he said , and went about the business of filling the syringe with what I assumed to be the anesthetic . " Okay , young man , I 'm going to give you a shot that will make you sleep . You 'll feel a prick and then you may feel a little sting . " He flinched as the needle went in and a tear trickled down his cheek . TJ leaned over the gurney and gave his brother a kiss on the cheek . Peter 's eyes closed and Dr . Klein nodded to us . That was our signal to go to the waiting room . It seemed like forever that we waited . TJ had his book , but I don 't think he read a single page even though he had it open . Maybe an hour later , Dr . Prentiss walked into the waiting area . " Right now , he 's in the outpatient recovery area . Follow me and I 'll take you there , " he said . " He is still feeling the effects of the anesthetic , so he may not know you 're there . That should wear off in the next 30 minutes or so . " " If everything checks out when he 's fully alert , you can more than likely take him home around one . " Dr . Prentiss led us to a curtained off area and held the curtain back while TJ and I entered . " If you need anything , contact one of the nurses at the desk out there . I 'll be back later to check on our patient . " TJ was immediately beside Peter 's bed and reached for his hand . Peter opened his eyes , but they didn 't appear to focus or recognize us . I went around to the other side of the bed from where TJ was standing . I brushed the hair off Peter 's forehead and kissed it softly . TJ stood on his tiptoes , but couldn 't quite reach to follow my lead and was content to press Peter 's hand to his cheek . " Yes , son , he will be . He 's still sleepy from the medicine they gave him . He 'll be okay in a little while . " I walked back around the bed and pulled the one chair in the area up to the side of the bed . I tried to pull TJ onto my lap , but he refused to be moved from his spot . He did , a short time later , agree to sit on the arm of the chair since he could still see Peter and hold onto his hand . " Let me get a nurse and see if you can have something to drink , " I said , and left to summon a nurse . The nurse at the desk looked at Peter 's chart and said she would have some ice water brought to him . I thanked her and returned to the boys . Dr . Prentiss showed up around 12 : 30 and looked Peter over . " He 's doing fine . I 'll go get the discharge papers in order while you get your son dressed . Stop by the desk on your way out and pick up a couple of prescriptions . One will be an antibiotic and the other will be for a throat spray . It will help with the pain . You can use it every four hours . And , what I 'm sure he is interested in , he can have ice cream or sherbet to help the pain also , " he said with a grin , and left us to get Peter ready to leave . It was nearly two when we arrived home and we hadn 't eaten . When Hildy heard that , she went into high gear and in no time she had sandwiches fixed for TJ and me . For Peter she fixed one of those liquid breakfast drinks and dished up a bowl of chocolate pudding . She gave TJ and me some of the pudding after we finished our sandwiches . After lunch , Peter curled up on the couch in the family room and went to sleep . TJ took the chair beside the couch and watched his brother sleep . I went upstairs to talk to Joel . I wanted to find out about John 's visit . " Okay , I guess . It 's not like it used to be , but at least we can talk to each other without a lot of stuff getting in the way . He 's a friend . . . That 's all now . . . Just a friend . " " He 's doing fine . It 's going to be a few days before he 's back to his old self . I 'm sure it can 't be soon enough for him . He 's taking a nap right now . " " Maybe you 're right , " I said . " Go back to your reading . I just wanted to know about your conversation with John . " I hadn 't let the dogs come inside the house now that there were six of them , but one might be okay . I was on my way back downstairs when I heard the phone ringing . I knew that Hildy would answer it so I didn 't hurry . When I reached the bottom of the stairs , Hildy was coming to look for me . " I beg your pardon . First of all , I don 't have the foggiest idea who you are . Second , you have given me no reason why I should be in your office , wherever that is , at ten in the morning . Third , I have a sick son that I have no intention of leaving for you or anyone else for that matter . " This guy was beginning to get my dander up . " That 's Doctor Johnson to you . Just who the hell do you think you are ordering me to appear before you ? " I had never been uptight about being addressed by Doctor , even though having a PhD , I was entitled to that honorific . " I 'm the FBI Agent in Charge of an ongoing investigation into corruption . " " I have no idea what or who you are investigating or why you think I might have any information that could be of value to your investigation . Whatever your reasons are , you will need to speak to my attorneys . Try your warrant trick on me and I 'll have you tied up in court so long your grandchildren will be eligible to retire before it 's resolved . Believe me , Mister Beekman , I don 't make idle threats . " " I just got off the phone with him . He demanded that I be in his office tomorrow morning . He never told me why or asked if it would be convenient , just told me to be there . He finally said he was the Agent in Charge of an investigation into some sort of corruption . " " Crane , that guy and I have had several run - ins while I was working for SAPD . He 's an overbearing son - of - a - bitch , to put it bluntly . Do you want me to make a few calls ? I know the guy in charge of the San Antonio office . He and I worked together on a couple of cases when I was still a cop and he was just a lowly agent . " " The youngest one , Peter . He had his tonsils taken out this morning , so it 's nothing serious . I just don 't want to leave him , that 's all . " We ended the call and I started dialing the number for Carlos Martinez . When his receptionist answered , I told her who I was and asked to speak with Carlos . She put me right through to him . " They are either getting faster or I 'm getting slower . I haven 't caught one in months , " he responded . " Did you call because you needed something or did you call to just insult my occupation ? " " A little of both , " I said . I went on to discuss my conversation with Agent Beekman . Carlos listened intently , asking questions when he wanted clarification . " Crane , you do get yourself into some interesting situations , " Carlos said , when I finished . " I don 't think there will be any problems . While this is not an area of my expertise , I have a colleague who loves to get involved with anything to do with the FBI . Let me call him to see if he would be interested in working with you on this . I 'll get back to you as soon as I 've had a chance to talk to him . " I went to check on Peter and found TJ still sitting in the chair beside him . Peter was awake , but was still lying on the couch . I decided to take Joel 's suggestion and after checking Peter 's head for any sign of fever , I went outside to get Duke . He brought a smile to Peter 's face when I sat him down beside his master and he began licking Peter 's face . With Duke by his side , Peter almost forgot his sore throat - at least for a while . When he laughed at one of Duke 's antics a couple of minutes later , it brought back the memory very quickly and caused a yelp of pain . He grabbed his throat and a couple of tears ran down his cheeks . " I heard you might like some ice cream , " Hildy said . " I might just have some . What kind would you like ? I have vanilla , chocolate and strawberry . " " He took them to a movie this afternoon , " she answered . " They should be back anytime , now . I wouldn 't be too surprised if they went shopping after the movie . " " Crane , I 've just had a conversation with Kevin Baldwin . He 's the SAC1 of the San Antonio office . I explained the situation to him . I won 't repeat his comments , but they were not flattering to Agent Beekman . Anyway , the bottom line is that he will be giving you a call in the morning after he has a chance to speak with Beekman , who is out of the office until tomorrow . " " I 'll look forward to his call , " I said . " Thanks for your help . I 'll let you know if Beekman doesn 't change his tune and become civil . " Peter was still not feeling all that great by the time for him to go to bed . He crawled onto my lap and wrapped my arms around him . After a few minutes , I carried him up to his bedroom and told him that he needed to brush his teeth and get into his pajamas . " When you 're done , it will be time to take your pill and I 'll spray your throat with that medicine Dr . Prentiss gave us . " " Sure , if you promise to go right to sleep . " I knew that TJ would be there with his brother as well . When TJ looked at me , I just nodded my head . He smiled and took Peter into their bathroom to get their teeth brushed . I went back downstairs and a few minutes later the two of them appeared ready for bed . I took Peter into the kitchen , took a pill from the prescription bottle , poured a cup of water and handed them both to him . He washed the pill down and handed the cup back to me . " Well , let 's spray it with this before you go to bed and maybe it won 't hurt as much . Open your mouth and stick out your tongue . " I sprayed his throat and then led the two of them to my bedroom . They both climbed onto the bed and slid between the sheets . Peter would end up being in the middle when I got in later . I went back into the living room and picked up a book I had started a couple of weeks ago , but put down when it failed to hold my interest . I decided to finish it as a personal goal . It had gotten rave reviews when it was published a few years ago and I was determined to find out what the critics found to rave about . I had just gotten to the middle of a chapter when Mike returned . " Yes , I had a long talk with Alicia . She 's having boyfriend problems . Her boyfriend is . . . How should I put it ? I guess a real nutcase , in my opinion . He has some weird ideas that civilization is going to collapse . He wants Alicia to run off with him to Wyoming and live in some survivalist camp . She thinks she loves him , but she 's torn about leaving her family and all her friends . I must say this about Leon , he is movie star handsome . " " I don 't know . Alicia is a bright girl . She 's started college and works part time . I tried to get her to look at Leon in a logical manner and weigh the things he 's telling her and asking her to compare it against her upbringing and education . She said she would think about it . I did get her to promise me she wouldn 't do anything until she talked to me again . I hope she does . " " I met him several years ago at the Wurstfest2 in New Braunfels . We literally bumped into each other . I came out the worst of it with beer spilled all down my front . He apologized profusely and got me a bunch of napkins to sop up as much beer as I could . It was an accident and we got to talking . He appeared to be a simple man and not well educated . He mentioned a son , but I don 't remember if he gave me a name . I gathered that he was not all that pleased with the boy . Our conversation wasn 't that long as I wanted to get home and out of the beer soaked clothes . I haven 't seen him since , but that incident is very vivid in my memory . " Peter woke up once during the night and I sprayed his throat again . He slept through the rest of the night . His throat did not appear to be as sore as it was yesterday , but it was still causing him some pain . It was nearly ten o ' clock when I received a call from Kevin Baldwin , the SAC of the San Antonio FBI office . After the formalities of the greetings were over , he said , " Mr . Johnson , I want to apologize for the rudeness by Agent Beekman to you yesterday . I have spoken to him and have been assured that it will not happen again . He will be calling you later today to apologize in person and to arrange for a convenient time to meet with you . The investigation that he is conducting is an important one and I hope you will be able to assist us with it . " " Agent Baldwin , thank you for calling . I accept your apology . I 'm not sure that I have any information that could possibly bear on a corruption investigation , but I will assist the FBI in any way I can . " We 'll see how apologetic Beekman is if he calls later , I thought to myself . I went into the library after checking on Peter . He was on the patio holding Duke on his lap . TJ and Mike were there also . Once in the library , I decided to call Donald . I hadn 't talked to him yesterday . That was unusual . We usually spoke on the phone every day . I dialed his cell phone number , not knowing whether he would be in his office . My call went directly to his voice mail . I left a message asking him to call when he had time . Agent Beekman did call a bit later . His apology was terse and brief . It was easy to tell that he was giving it under duress and that he really didn 't mean it . I did agree to meet with him on Monday at ten o ' clock in the FBI 's office . I didn 't tell him that I would have an attorney with me . Now , if only Carlos can come through with the one he promised . He did later in the day . Manfred and the girls had joined the group on the back patio . The girls were playing with the other five dogs that had joined Duke . " We were going swimming , " Manfred said , " but the girls got sidetracked by the dogs . Since Peter is supposed to take it easy , we probably won 't get in the water . " " Don 't let that bother you , he probably doesn 't feel like doing much yet , anyway . If the girls want to get in the water , go ahead . " At the words water and swimming , Bandit 's ears perked up and his head swiveled back and forth between Manfred and me . I swear that dog can understand English sometimes . When no one made a move for the pool , he decided he would be the first and took off running . At the edge of the pool he made like a long jumper and dove into the pool . I think that dog is part fish the way he loves the water . " Well , I guess that settles it , " Manfred laughed . He took each girl by the hand and led them to the shallow end of the pool . The dogs they had been playing with followed them to the edge of the pool , but did not follow them into it . TJ had disappeared and reappeared shortly in his swimwear . Mike wasn 't far behind . Of course , Jeanie and Ginny immediately latched onto Mike . Manfred looked at me and shook his head . I sat down next to Peter . " Would you like to go sit on the side of the pool and dangle your feet in the water ? " Joel must have heard the commotion in the pool , because he soon joined in the fun . They played in the pool for about an hour before Hildy emerged on the patio and announced that lunch would be ready in 15 minutes . That flushed everybody out of the pool and each one grabbed a towel from the stack that Hildy had placed on the picnic table . Peter looked on in envy as the other boys ate their sandwiches , chips and vegetable sticks . He had to be satisfied with warm tomato soup and crackers that he soaked in the soup . He was happier when Hildy placed a large bowl of vanilla ice cream topped with chocolate syrup in front of him . After lunch I gave him another of the antibiotic pills . I held off on the throat spray . He said his throat wasn 't hurting too much . Donald called not long after we had finished lunch . He apologized for not calling sooner , but had made a quick trip to Louisiana to straighten out the mess his now fired general manager had placed the automobile dealership in . He had just arrived back in town . Donald had his suspicions about the manager . That was the reason he had set up the meeting with him over the weekend . While the manager was in San Antonio , Donald 's auditors descended on the manager 's office and did a quick review of the books and found that he had been skimming off some of the profits . " The matter has been turned over to the local police in Shreveport along with the evidence collected so far by the auditors . They are still going over the books to see exactly how much money he has stolen , " Donald said . " By the time I left over there , they had confirmed that he had misappropriated about a quarter million dollars , over the last eight or nine months . The auditors are still looking and they expect they will find more . " " My lawyers are already on it . However , they say I 'd be lucky to recover ten cents on the dollar . Except for Saturday at the farm riding the horses , my week , so far , has been a real bummer . How 's yours been ? " " Peter had his tonsils removed on Monday and the FBI wants to talk to me about some sort of corruption investigation they have going on . I 've had to retain a lawyer to go with me on Monday when I talk to Agent Beekman . Now there is a real , arrogant SOB . Jack Hogan , you know the PI , says he 's a real piece of work . " " Peter should be pretty much healed up by Friday . Maybe we could do something then . I have to pick up my three musketeers on Saturday and they will probably want to go riding on Sunday . You could bring the kids and come out here on Saturday afternoon and we could grill some steaks and then we could all go riding on Sunday . I 'm sure the Jeanie and Ginny would love to have Lenore sleep over . The same goes for William and Peter . " " Saturday sounds like a good idea . After the way this week has started out , all I want to do is to kick back and relax . It 's a date . I 'll bring the steaks . " Your comments and criticisms are welcomed and encouraged . I try to answer all emails including flames . Send them to tedlouis @ tedlouis . com , please put Joel in the subject . |
New Years Resolutions . Why do we do this ? Why do we put undue pressure on ourselves ? I mean , I know we intend to keep these resolutions . I would certainly hope we do . That we would sit around and make up things we never intend to do in the first place would be ludicrous . Wouldn 't it ? My gracious . Why lie to ourselves ? Why pretend to ourselves and half of the free world ? Because you know , as we speak , resolutions are being posted world - wide on Face Book , My Space and every other social network to be found . I don 't know what my resolutions are yet . I know it 's New Year 's Eve , but this is important , and I am still thinking . I want to be able to fulfill my wishful resolution obligations . I mean I KNOW what I would like to say . I would LIKE to resolute that : 1 . I will lose 75 pounds . Or 10 , which is much less adventurous but more achievable . 2 . I will never be a smarty britches when it 's uncalled for again . But , is it ever called for , really ? 3 . I will eat healthier . I will never again , eat a mayonnaise sandwich or a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies by myself . I will invite others to join me , I will share . 4 . I will not stomp , throw things , or holler when something doesn 't suit me . Kudos if I do this . . it 's going to be next to impossible . 5 . I will not curse . ( this one can be thrown out RIGHT NOW ) . Reality please , reality . 6 . I will present myself with consummate patience always . Even when entering all drive thru eatery windows . Which should not be hard since I am supposed to be eating healthy . * See # 3 9 . I will love myself and take care of myself , as much as I do others . Without me , I cannot help them . For which some of them might be grateful . . that I quit helping . . so much . 10 I will try to limit the number of times I repeat these words in year 2011 " If you want to talk about somebody , come sit by me " . Although I love that quote , and it makes me laugh , it is not nice . That 's it . That 's about all I 've got to offer . I feel it 's real . I meant every word I said . And , I can do all of it if I try . A sweet , sweet girl ( who I have never known to be hateful ) posted a wonderful thing today . She said , " I don 't have to be hateful , I can just say Bless Your Heart . " Isn 't that the most beautiful thing ? The easiest thing in the world to do ? When you want to cuss , holler , scream , be rude , be impatient , snap out words , argue and be mean . . . . even if someone is directing all those things at you , just stop . . . . breathe deep . . and say . . . Bless your heart . What in the world can someone say back to that ? How could they ever keep hollering , ranting or being ugly ? No one in the world can refute or ignore those words when spoken . Bless your heart . That 's it . So simple . And although it 's a world wide saying , it sounds so very Southern . It just rolls right off of your tongue . So , this is my vow , to add as my # 11 Resolution . This year , in 2011 , I will say , Bless your heart , as many times as I possibly can , to everyone I know . I think that works as well as my # 's 1 - 10 put together . Thanks for reading . May everything you want and everything you need , come to you , in 2011 . Happy New Year ! And , Bless your Heart . I love to fish . Mims says something about fishing on a Saturday night , on Sunday morning , I 'm the first one out of the bed . Mine are the first feet to hit the floor . I 'm the first one to the boat . Time required to get ready . . 10 minutes . . max . Hair pulled back in a bun , on the top of my head , absent of all make - up , except my lips . My lipstick . I don 't go to my mailbox without my " lips on " . It 's a Southern thing I think . I have NEVER seen my mother in public without her " lips on " . My clothing is simple . A tank top , shorts and my pink rubber Avon shoes . They are the ugliest shoes you have ever seen in your life . But I love them . And they don 't slip and slide . They are durable and can get wet . And they do . Get wet . A lot . I have in tow , rations and drinks . The rations consist of Vienna sausages , saltines and oatmeal creme pies . The drinks are water , sprite , and diet coke . I also have plenty of sunscreen . Sunscreen for in the morning . When the sun is barely peeking through the trees and is welcome . As it sends a sheath of warmth over your skin from the pre - dawn coolness . And sunscreen for the afternoons . When the sun is blazing so hot , it feels like your skin is frying on your bones . And , I have my worms . When we first started fishing , I wouldn 't bait my hook . With anything . But between guilt laid on me by various members of my family , and my need for instant gratification , I made up my mind . I would bait my own hook . I was tired of waiting until someone ( Mims ) else had time . It was holding me up , from catching the most fish . From having the biggest catch of the day . I picked worms for my bait of choice because my PaPa Josh fished with worms . That , and crickets feel like they come from the creepy , crawly roach family . I would grow up , man - up , and bait my own hook for him . My PaPa Josh . I love fishing so much now , you have to make me pull my poles in , and go home . I wasn 't always such a trooper . Before I met Mims , I had been fishing one time in my whole life . When I was about 18 years old , a friend of mine , Chuck Turner , talked me into going fishing with him . Such a foolish , foolish boy . Thinking he could make this city girl like fishing . Make me like getting up at 4am . Uh cause , you know , at 18 years old , I was not going ANYWHERE without my make - up on or my hair " fixed " . So , with all this being taken into account , I had to get up at 3am . Yes , I said . . . 3am . To go fishing . In the dark . In a swamp . Because my friends , that 's where he took me . To a swamp . Or so it appeared to be , once we got there . He arrived at my house to pick me up . That the " boat " was in the back of his truck , should have been a clue for me . That meant , it was small , it had no motor , and we would have to man - handle this boat together , in the dark , to get it in . . . . the swamp . I say nothing . I just pile up in the truck , with my carefully fixed hair , make - up and dab of perfume . Yes , I said perfume . You know I had to be smelling good too . Gracious , I was an 18 year old girl ! In the truck , boat on the back , we head to our destination . In the dark . Because it 's still dark at 4 : 10am . We get to our water hole . And that 's exactly what it is , a hole with water . Not a lake , not a stream , a hole . . with water . And creepy looking trees all thru it , moss dripping down from the trees . I am trying to be brave . I am trying my best not to act like a sissy girl . But I am standing as close to him as I can get . As I am imagining all sorts of water snakes and scariness coming from all around me . He gently pries my hand and fingers from his arm and says it 's time to take the boat out of the truck . He 's gonna need a little help . I was glad he only needed a little help , cause that 's about all I was gonna be worth . A little help . We get it out , he shoves it in at the edge of the water hole and looks back at me and says . . " ok . . jump in " . I 'm just standing there staring at him , what I can see of him , because it 's still dark . At 4 : 25am . " Jump in where ? " . . I exclaim . And I do admit , my voice went up a couple of octaves . Because the dang boat ( and I still use that boat term loosely ) is starting to float off . Just where exactly do I begin to " jump in " from I ask you ? Do I have to get in the water , with my pretty sandals ( and they were cutie tootie sandals I might add ) and then jump in ? Yeah like that 's gonna happen . He tells me , I should have worn an old pair of tennis shoes . Tennis shoes that I wouldn 't mind getting wet . Well , I 'm thinking , ( cause I 'm still trying to be nice and not a sissy girl ) NOW is a dang fine time to tell me that . So , I make a command decision . AfterSo , I 'm in the boat , he 's in the boat . And let me tell you , how that 6ft boy managed to climb in that ever moving boat , so gracefully and with his head up and not face first into the boat , I will never know . OK . . we 're ready to fish . He 's got the poles out . . and the bait . WORMS . Do I want to bait my hook he says ? UH no . This had already been discussed prior to this trip . And he had already agreed , if I went , he would bait my hook . These where the conditions of my accompaniment . He just wanted to make sure I had not changed my mind . Again , UH no . I am there to hold a pole and watch . And to catch the biggest fish EV - ER , so I can tell everybody about it later . I don 't want to put the bait on and I don 't intend on taking my biggest fish ev - er , off the hook once I catch it . It 's about 5 : 15am now , and the boat is moving again . It 's swaying into the dripping moss and limbs that are hanging down . They are touching me . The creepy , feels like spiders , moss is touching me . On my face and arms . The tree limbs are grabbing my hair . The hair that is no longer fixed and pretty . Because the dew has found my hair . It has drooped and wet my pretty fixed hair . Now it is flat , and plastered to my head and I dare say , it is not in the least , pretty anymore . I don 't EVEN want to describe what shape my make - up was in . And now , I cannot even smell my carefully applied perfume behind my ears . All I can smell is swamp water . At daybreak , I begin to do the thing five year olds do . . . I begin to whine . Just a little , but nonetheless , it 's whining . I 'm hungry , when are we gonna see some fish , when , for gosh 's sake , can we GO HOME . Because , if you remember I have been up since 3am . . . and it is now a little after 6am . He 's been fishing for a whole hour or more and he hasn 't caught ANYTHING . So , it 's time to do something else as far as I am concerned . I do however , patiently let him fish for about another hour or so . I think I 'm being patient , he says I am fidgety , rocking the boat , and scaring the fish . My mind is screaming , what dang fish . . . I have seen NO fish , in the water or out . He 's ready to go , ( ready to get rid of me mostly ) , says he 'll come back later when the fish are biting . . yeah , right I 'm thinking . But I smile . . big . . . cause we are leaving the swamp . I don 't even mind getting out and helping him put the boat back in the truck ( my cutie tootie sandals are ruined anyway ) and whatever makes it faster . . I am all for . . you hear me ? ? ! ! Chuck took me home . I hugged his neck , and said , " please , I love you my dear friend , but let 's agree to never , ever do this together again . He hugged me tighter , which I took as affirmation of complete agreement . I went inside the house , went straight to take ANOTHER shower . To remove the swamp water . I looked into the mirror . . and Lawd have mercy . How that boy did not think I copyright © 2010 Michelle Mount Mims The year Zach was twelve , Zach is my youngest son , he announced he wanted to convert . To Judaism . He wanted to be Jewish he said . A girl in his class was dating a Jewish boy he said . He had been studying up on it he said . So , I 'm listening . For weeks , I am listening to his endless diatribe about converting to Judaism . Now , if you look at Zach , when his hair is grown out , he could pass for a Jewish boy . We have naturally curly hair , and he has a head full of it when he 's not shaving it off . He thinks , between the studying and the hair . . . he 's got this thing licked . And I do have to admit , I have been told by both of my sons , that a wonderful Jewish mother I would have made . Between the worrying , carefully applied guilt , and nagging . . . I fit that part perfectly . And I do a mean accent impersonation of a Jewish mother if I do say so myself . However , somewhere in the ensuing weeks , Zach slips . It suddenly becomes all too apparent that the biggest attraction for this whole " I want to be a Jewish boy " thing is this . . . . the Barmitzvah . Ah , yes . . . . THE party for a 13 year old Jewish Boy . The PARTY of all PARTIES . When a boy becomes a man in the Jewish world . I had to be honest , and tell my son , that a party is not a good enough reason to convert to any religion . No matter that it sounded like a dang hoot of an idea . So , this idea is a dead one . We move on . He would still ( and does ) bring it up occasionally , with a forlorn look and the sounds of what might have been . But he 's moved on . I thought , he had moved on . This past Christmas , we are spending the night at my family 's house in Albany . It 's bedtime , everyone is getting prepared for sleep . I am going to sleep in their living room on the couch . I have showered and am in my bedclothes . The couch is made up for sleep . Both boys make their way to see me , to tell me goodnight . They both have a seat and as usual , we begin to talk . About everything , and nothing . This is what we do when we 're together , which we seldom are anymore , because of life and growing up . Anyway , we 're all jibber jabbering about one thing or another , I look up , and see a wall hanging above their living room door . It says . . . Shalom . That 's it . . nothing more . . just . . Shalom . I look at my oldest son and say " what the hell is a Shalom sign doing above the door " . . I 'm laughing now , he is laughing , and I say , " Are we Jewish and no one told me ? " This is some 3 years later . I don 't think about our last parlay with Judaism . I don 't remember at this moment in time , the zest and vigor Zach put towards converting to be a Jewish boy . I 'm still laughing , Josh is laughing , as Zach sits stone - faced . Staring at both of us . As I am processing his look , and what it means , it begins . He wants to know what the sign is there for . . is it real . . . why did no one tell him . As all of this ranting is going on , in between our ( Josh and I ) alternate eye rolling and hysterical laughter , my mom and dad come in . Probably to see what all the raucous is about . Josh and I bring them up to speed . And it continues to roll . . down hill . . . . for me . Yes , it turns out , after some historical family investigation on my Daddy 's part , we are indeed part Jewish . Enough so , that Zach and Josh could very well be 1 / 8 Jewish , because I am 1 / 4 . Which is enough to qualify Zachary for a Barmitzvah . He could have indeed , had the party of a lifetime , 3 years ago . I tell him , he 'll be 16 years old in March , we 'll make it up to him with a Sweet Sixteen Party . He is not amused . We all laugh even harder , again , everyone but Zach . I tell him , if he 's really interested , we can look into it . Check out what all needs to be done . To convert . No , he says with a drama - filled voice as he holds his head down , shaking it from side to side . The damage is done now . The time has passed . Which equates to , turn out the lights , the party is over . The Barmitzvah party that is . I haven 't written anything about my second set of grandparents yet . I guess because I don 't feel like I knew them as well . As intimately . A lot of my memories are stories that have been told . Wonderful , warm stories told by my mother , their daughter . My PaPa Josh , my Josh 's namesake , died at a very young age . He was told when I was one year old , he might have six months to live . His head was filled with massive brain tumors . What a strong and powerful man he was , he lived until I was nine . He died on Christmas day . How fitting for such a wonderful man , to die on the birthday of Jesus . My own personal memories are few . The smell of cigars , Hershey 's Kisses ( silver bells ) , Orange Peanuts , and worms . To this day , I can smell a cigar and my sensory actions go into massive overload . When I first started dating Mims , he was still smoking . . . cigars . The man was in like Flynn . In many ways , Mims reminds of the stories / descriptions I 've been given about my Papa . My PaPa was a patient , reasoning , rational , self - made man . He liked to hunt and fish . Year round ' . Anything , hunt and fish for anything . Many of their meals were what he brought home . He raised worms in his back yard for his fishing . I thought that was the neatest thing . He had a little house on top of the ground , open it up . . and inside were worms galore ! For a living , he wired buildings . Electrically wired . He was the head man on wiring a huge Dam years ago . Before it was finished , he got too sick to go on and was unable to see it finished . For years , I thought my Sara MaMa was kind of prissy , a girlie girl . But when I got older , I heard stories of her cleaning everything that was killed that was brought home , wringing chickens necks , cleaning and cooking them , and fishing every time fishing was going on . What an impressive woman she was ! And a cook , man was she a cook . Many of the recipes that have been handed down to me , were hers . Her back yard had several huge pear trees and she made pear preserves like nobody 's business ! I guess I thought she was prissy , because she was always dressed so nice . She was a working grandmother , so I wasn 't able to spend as much time with her during the summers . But she always made sure she took a day or two off so I could spend the night with her . We would go out to eat and she had a great ice cream place she would take me too . . had the best shakes and cones ! Maybe that 's why I don 't feel I knew her as well , because she worked . And I guess , my grandchildren , when I have them , may feel the same . Because I too , work for a living . It 's necessary for my mind as well as financially . But she had the sweetest voice , when she would say my name , it sounded like angels talking . She would alternate between Michelle and Chell when she would talk to me . My PaPa called me Chell . . . " does Chell Bell want a Silver Bell " ? She tried so hard with the little time she had , for us to have a good time and I loved her for that . She played the piano , for herself , and for her Church . Epworth Methodist Church . We went to many a Homecoming at that church . And I knew , every time we went , she must have talked about us , bragged about us all the time . All kinds of people knew us , knew about us , and most of them , I had no idea who they were , and barely remembered them from one year to the next . My mother grew up in that same church , and was married in that church . And both of my grandparents ' funeral services were held in that church . Her belief and love for God was undeniable . If she sat down and played the piano , she would play a church song . But she would also teach me fun songs to play , songs you don 't think about your grandmother knowing how to play . She taught me to play a little ditty that went like this ♫ Shoes and clothes , shoes and clothes , that is where my money goes ♫ . I remember all those years ago , wondering how my MaMa knew such a silly song ? ! Amazing . You never went to her house that she didn 't have a case of small bottle Coca Colas . Ice cold Coca Colas and Neapolitan Ice cream . Always . There was a little store right at the top of her road that she traded out bottles and drinks . I loved going into that store with her . You could get for real penny candy ! She didn 't have central A / C in her house . She had three metal Frigidaire units . I have never since , felt any unit that put out as cold of air as those did . She had one in her side kitchen window that would freeze you to death if you sat on that side of her kitchen table . And to touch them . . literally felt like touching ice . Your finger would stick to it . Like how touching a piece of ice with your tongue feels . Til the end , her house , their house , smelled like cigar smoke . I guess because all of his life , in that house , he smoked . It was in her curtains , fabrics , and walls . It smelled so good . I have a dresser drawer that came from her house , and still , when you open the drawers , there is the faint , faint smell of cigar smoke . She died December of 84 ' , that 's a long time for a dresser to still smell of cigars . When she passed , I went with my mother to her house . My mother and her sister Lynda were packing up and separating items . My mother gave me a couple of pots and pans , a washing machine and a tea pot from the top of my MaMa 's stove . I still have that teapot and many more . That was the beginning of my TeaPot collection . I have 3 shelves on my walls lined with them , hers leading the way . For the most part , my mother 's memories ARE my memories and I love them all . Her memories fill in the blank spaces for me . But if I close my eyes , I can still hear Sara MaMa saying my name with her soft , angel voice and I can still smell PaPa Josh 's cigars . And also from stories I was told , my PaPa , until he passed and after , was my MaMa 's Guardian Angel , of that I am convinced . For most of my childhood , my MaMa Eloise was my best friend . I told her everything . She would laugh as hard as me at jokes , funny people and just general silliness . She was a very little woman in stature , about 5 foot tall , maybe . Wore a size 5 shoe . The only thing big was her tummy area . I had two MaMa 's , both in Phenix City . I decided at an early age , that so I could distinguish between the two , I ' named ' them . . . Big MaMa ( Eloise ) and Sara MaMa ( my mother 's mother ) . I am told at first , she was not very pleased . As a small child , I guess you don 't know any better . You do what works for you . All I know , is I called her that into adulthood , until she passed . I didn 't know until much later into adulthood that she didn 't like it at first , because she never said a word . I 'm guessing she knew I meant no harm . When she would laugh , her whole body would shake . The good kind of laugh , the most real of all . And Lord , did we laugh . My love for books came from my MaMa . She would read to me , buy me books . One of my favorite books to date , is the Uncle Remus Story Book she gave me . And every book was inscribed and dated . My Joshua has that book now . I read those stories to him when he was little . I don 't like to brag , but I could do those voices like nobody 's business ! Brer ' Rabbit and De ' Tar Baby . . classic story book telling material . She had books all over her house . And most summers , at least one day was dedicated to romping thru Used Book Stores . The kind you could bring books in and swap as well . She taught me how to cross - stitch very early . I loved it . We made pot holders with that ropey looking stuff you tied on a frame . And she taught me how to iron . I don 't know how many other people are aware , but back in the day , every man 's undershirt , handkerchiefs and undershorts were ironed . Yes sir . I have a small scar on my wrist from learning how to iron . That was one of my favorite things to do . . sounds unreal since that is the thing I hate most to do now . She was thrifty if she wasn 't anything else . She would buy bread and freeze it . I don 't think I have ever known anyone else who froze loaf bread . I never went to her house that she didn 't have fig newtons , ice cream and the best oatmeal ever made . We would make milkshakes , real milkshakes , with ice cream , milk , vanilla flavoring , sugar and a blender . She made real cinnamon toast too . Not that fake cinnamon sugar you buy now . She made her own with real sugar and cinnamon mixed . And soup , some kind of real homemade soup was always in that house . My Granddaddy was Assistant Superintendent of the Russell County School system . He came home for lunch every day . And had a bowl of soup and a sandwich . Every single day . There was no dishwasher and I loved washing her dishes . Her kitchen windows went all the way across the back . They were huge , wide open windows . I would stand there and wash dishes and look out over her yard . Right smack in the middle was a big , beautiful Sycamore Tree . She had Dogwoods and Pines all thru her yard as well . She had clotheslines way in the back that we would hang out clothes on during the summer . She had a dryer , but the line was used in warm weather . The redwood deck that was on the back of their house went all the way across the back of the house . We would sit out there a lot , early mornings and later in the evenings after supper . That woman loved a stray cat . She fed them all . When I got older , I loved to cut their grass during the summer . And one year , I begged for them to let me on top of their house to sweep off the pine straw . That seems a bit surreal to me now as climbing on the 2nd rung of a ladder makes me break into a cold sweat ! I have a lot of wonderful memories from that house . When my grandmother passed and my granddaddy remarried , he sold that house and moved about 5 miles up the road . That was very upsetting for me . Not only was my best friend gone , but now every childhood memory I had was gone . And strangers would be walking all thru the house amongst my memories . After he moved , the first few visits to see him in his new house , I would drive by and look at their old house . But I only did it twice , it was just too painful . The 2nd summer my Granddaddy lived in his new house , we had gone to visit . He told me to come outside , in the back yard , he had something to show me . We walked out thru the sliding glass doors , and right smack in the middle of his new back yard , he had planted a Sycamore Tree . At some point , he sure must have been paying attention to me . I know I talked about that other tree at his old house a lot when they lived there . It was just an amazing tree . Huge and perfectly spread out over their yard . The shade it provided was unreal . Maybe he needed to plant the new Sycamore tree to make it a home as much as I needed it to make it feel like his home for me . It wasn 't very big when he planted it . But when he passed some 13 odd years later , that tree had gotten pretty big . And now it too , sat very pretty , right smack in the middle of that back yard . Last summer , I planted a Sycamore Tree in my backyard . I cannot wait until it spreads it 's limbs and re - shapes the way my backyard looks . Life is all about memories , big and small , significant and insignificant . The memories are what get us through . To be able to close your eyes , and be right back where you were years and years ago . The smells , the sights , and the people . And the trees , even the trees . Sycamore trees . Their leaves are huge and when they drop they are some kind of messy , but man alive , I sure do love those trees . I put my Christmas tree and decorations up very early , every year . Like I start before Thanksgiving sometimes . So by the time Christmas Day has passed , so has my need to have my house in disorder . I am ready , just one day later , to have life as it should be , again . So , the dis - assembly begins . It is not any calmer or orderly than the assembly . It is not any nicer or sweeter . As much as no one ever wants to help me put it all up , they want even less , to help me take it all down . The grumbling and under the breath cursings begin . Santa has come and gone , along with all the sweet before Santa behavior . Now this year was a little different , as this year , Josh was not here to help put it all up . That day belonged to me and Zach . So of course , when it 's all coming down , NOTHING was put up right . Josh . . . " Why are these lights so tangled , how the heck did you wind these around the tree like this , the tree was pre - lit , why did you people think you needed more lights ? " Zach . . simply points to me and walks outside . He is going to take down the outside lights . It is 38 degrees , and he is not happy . He 's not happy that it 's cold and he 's not happy that he 's taking down lights he didn 't want to put up in the first place . I stand at the window , watching him snatch them down from the swing , knowing that those lights / bulbs will never work again . Right now , I don 't care . Next year , as we stand around the swing , holding lights that don 't work , and I 'm having to drive to Walmart to buy more , I will care . But the very best part about this whole dis - assembly thing this year is this . . . this year I decided to put the Christmas tree in a different place . My living room is not especially small , but I have it packed with furniture in such a way , the room is swallowed and to put anything else in it , is a struggle indeed . So , to save myself the trouble of rearranging furniture to simply erect a Christmas Tree , this year , I decided it would fit perfectly in front of our front door ! What a great idea ! No furniture has to be moved . . so much simpler of a process . Yahoo for me ! I thought . Uh no . Because . . the front door is connected to our front porch . The front porch that has the glider and rocking chairs . The front porch that Mims inhabits at least once every day , even if it 's only for five minutes . The front door that has a glass storm door that stays open as much as it stays shut . So he can see . He says . I say , so he can be nosy . But I digress . . . . the best part of this dis - assembly , is the tree is down , the front door is open , and Mims can see . Anything he wants to see . I have watched him walk to that door 22 times in the 2 hours it 's been re - opened . I know how many times our neighbors with the black dodge have left their house today , because Mims has told me so . I love Christmas and I love to decorate my house for Christmas . It makes me feel good . But I also like my house in it 's normal state . It also makes me feel good . So , it 's all down , it 's all back in place , and the front door to the world , is open once again . All is right in our house . . for now . I guess our family is like any other . We have strange family . An entertaining family . A strangely entertaining family , if you will . I used to think it was just us . . but as I tell my tales of funnies and woes . . we are normal no doubt . This is however , one of the first years in many , that NO incidents occurred at either Thanksgiving or Christmas . No arguments , no ejecting oneself out of recliners like a rocket , no trivial pursuits gone wrong , no references of who are you , where do you come from and that 's what 's wrong with you . I have however , seen a different side to my oldest son Joshua . Most of his visit has been a lecture of " going green " , " recycling is a must / what is wrong with you people " , and " you people have gone to hell in a hand basket since I left " . Somehow , since he left a little over a year ago , he 's learned that it cost money to run a dryer to get wrinkles out , he is willing to wear a pair of jeans more than once without washing as opposed to having them on 15 minutes and now they are dirty . The boy who once used a WAD of paper towels to dry 2 pots , offered me a 1 / 2 a sheet this morning when I asked for a paper towel to dry dishes . Half would do me he said , efficient and thrifty he said . And he is also offering his rehabilitation services to me while he is here . . therapy . " Stop stressing , quit worrying , if you don 't care about something , say so . You 're 47 years old , quit letting other people run you . If " your inner self " wants to say no , say no . " It 's working for him , for this is the man that told his mother 3 months ago , she was no longer allowed to comment on his face book page , in any form or fashion . He is an adult now , a professor . He cannot have his mother expressing her random silliness on his page for everyone to see . We can speak . . . in private . I don 't really know who this new person is . . . I guess he is the same person I raised . The boy I raised to be a man . An independent , take care of yourself , don 't let anyone run over you , learn to cook for yourself , never settle for less than what you want , mcopyright © 2010 Michelle Mount Mims About a year after my MaMa passed , my Granddaddy was coming to Albany , to visit my folks for the weekend . The night before , I dreamed about me and my MaMa . Like one of my summer visits . I suppose because I knew my Granddaddy was coming the next day , they were both on my mind . My summers were spent in one of her guest bedrooms . It had a twin bed , a hope chest , nightstand , and a three - tiered glass shelf . She had these same glass shelves throughout her house . I guess it was the way of decorating all those years ago . All the shelves had knick knack pretties on them . Both spare bedrooms and both bathrooms had these glass shelves . In the bedroom , the bed was pushed almost against the wall . . the glass shelves were centered on that wall , above the bed . This made it very difficult to make the bed without bumping your head on those shelves . I dreamed , me and my MaMa were making the bed together , and she got too close on her side , causing me to tell her to ' look out , MaMa , you are going to cut yourself ' . That 's it , that 's the dream . Not such big stuff . Nothing exciting . So that next day , Saturday , I 'm at my folks ' house , waiting on my Granddaddy to arrive for his visit . He comes in and he has a white bandage over his left eye . I asked him what in the world happened to his eye . He said the day before , he was in the bathroom , shaving and what not , and dropped his razor . He bent down to pick it up , came back up too fast and caught the corner of his face / eye on the corner of the bottom glass shelve . Said he liked to have never got it to stop bleeding . I absolutely could not breath . I asked him again , though I knew exactly what he had said , when he did it . He answered , again . And I just sat there staring at him . At his eye . My insides quivering with craziness . I never did tell him about the dream . Even to me , it sounded crazy . I 've already told you me and my Granddaddy were not very close . He loved me , I guessed all those years . You have to love your granddaughter , right ? Just like when I got older , I had to love my Granddaddy , right ? The comfort for me was always that my grandmother loved him . And I knew , if she loved him , deep down in there , there was a reason . And for me , that was enough . Although I would question it , and wonder about it , I tried not to think about the why 's and how 's of how they became one . For me , she was laughing sunshine , and he was a dark storm . He passed from this world , all of these emotions within me , still unresolved . For about a year before my Daddy and his sisters had to place him in a nursing home , my Dad drove back and forth from Albany to Phenix City , two or three times a week . Making sure he was bathed , had clean clothes , food , cleaned his house and basically just took care of him the best he could from a distance . Because until he had the heart attack , my Granddaddy refused to leave his home . A few months after he died , I dreamed the most awesome dream of my life . I dreamed I was his caretaker . I played the role my daddy had played for over a year . But some of the neighbors thought he was there alone and no one was taking care of him . Worried about him , they called the police . The police came , rang the door bell , I answered the door . I had been on the back deck sweeping off the pine straw . He told me the purpose of his visit . I assured him my Granddaddy was fine , I was taking care of him and that he was more than welcome to come in , take a look around . See for himself that the house was clean and he was fine . He took me up on my offer , came in , looked around and then asked to see my Granddaddy . He was still on the back deck , in his pajamas , it was too difficult some days to get him dressed . The policeman walked out on the deck , and then for a minute . . everything else was a blur . I saw my Granddaddy take the cop 's gun out of his side holster , the cop turned around and my Granddaddy shot him . I was screaming NO . . and running all at the same time . When I got to the policeman , lying on the deck , it was obvious , he was gone . I got up , turned back around and my Granddaddy was holding the gun out for me to take it from him . . He smiled , then hugged me , and kept patting my back , rocking me back and forth . That 's when I knew . He was still in this world just enough to know , that what the man had was a gun , and he thought that man was going to hurt me . He took it and shot him , to save me , protect me . I woke up shaking and crying , and knowing , that all that time , all those years , he loved me , he just didn 't know how to show it , until he had to , to save me . He would have always saved me , and I should have known it . Merry Christmas MaMa and Granddaddy , my Butterfly Angels , I love you both . My Granddaddy was 2 weeks from being 85 when he passed away in 2003 . His wife , my precious MaMa was 72 , when she passed in 1987 . He married again in between . He was of the generation that did not cook or clean for themselves , mostly because they didn 't know how . Marrying again was a necessity . He outlived both wives . We are leaving the funeral . The one I thought I wouldn 't cry at , at all . . . but did . Sadly , I could not communicate with him until he was weak . Until he became sweet and needed someone . He never really needed anyone before then , except to cook and clean . He was my last living grandparent , I think I cried because of that the most . We are driving home , we get about 30 minutes outside of Phenix City , in Cussetta Ga . And all of a sudden , butterflies are flying into our windshield . I mean slamming into it , right and left . I am hollering for WD ( my boyfriend , then husband now ) to slow down . To stop . They keep slamming , it is unreal . and I don 't mean two or three , I mean a LOT . They just kept coming . I have never had BUTTERFLIES fly into my windshield before . Never since . Now , let me stop and tell you , Mims ( WD ) knows my butterfly stories and how I feel . And until that day , he had listened , but with no reaction or comment . Mims is an old country boy from South Carolina . He doesn 't much like what he can 't see , understand or prove . But this day , when I am hollering and now crying for him to stop , because he is killing them with our vehicle , he begins to look nothing short of freaked out . My boys are in the backseat , and we are all watching the carnage while the vehicle is still moving . Tears are pouring down my face , as I tell him , that 's my MaMa and Granddaddy telling us goodbye . He says nothing and drives faster . It finally stops , but not before we are all emotionally drained and very quiet , each with our own thoughts of what in the hell just happened . In August of 2003 , my parents asked me to drive to Phenix City , Alabama , my Granddaddy 's home . They were cleaning up his house to sell it , and dividing up his life belongings . The major things were divided amongst his 3 children of course , we were there for , comfort mostly . I took things that probably meant nothing to most . I had 2 wing back chairs , burnt orange and baby blue ( from the 70 's era I am sure ) , his wallet , a handkerchief ( because he always had one in his pocket ) and a few pretty what nots . The handkerchief and wallet are in one of the pretty what not bowls with a top , on my nightstand , they still smell like him . There was a bookcase / tv holder we got for Zach and a bed frame and headboard Zach still sleeps on . And my best treasure of all , my Granddaddy 's old wheel barrow . He worked in his yard until he couldn 't anymore . So , Mims ' truck is packed / tied down . We look like Fred Sanford as we start our drive back to Quincy . It 's a 3 1 / 2 hour drive and I am not a good rider . Mims isn 't either . . he always has to drive . But at what I think is a half - way point , I asked to drive . My legs are restless and I need to do something . Mims tells me when we get to the next little town , I can 't remember the name , but we both called it the ghost town , some houses there , but mostly deserted buildings and such . He tells me , when we get there , we will pull over and swap out . So , we drive for another 30 minutes or so , we get there , and pull off at this old building that looks like it used to be a juke joint at one time . Now it 's nothing but old , dusty and deserted . I get out of my side of the truck I walk about 3 steps and I look down and there are hundreds of teeny tiny orange and yellow ( my favorite colors ) butterflies swarming and circling my legs from about the hip down . I just stand there paralyzed . Scared to move , scared to NOT move . I 'm still standing and staring when Mims comes around from his side of truck , asking me what am I doing , am I switching out or not ? He sets sight on what 's happening and just stops , dead still . I begin to whisper , because my mind says if I scare them they will stop . I 'm telling him to look , look at all of them . Only around me . Not him , not anywhere else , just my legs . We 're on the side of the road , in this deserted little town , with my Granddaddy piled all up on the back of the vehicle , and the butterfly 's have found me . They know I have his things , they can smell them . At least this is what I am whispering out loud . Mims is still not moving but telling me , in a weird voice , to just get in the truck . Start moving and get in the truck . I don 't want to move , I don 't want it to stop . But I look at his face , and he is not much before leaving me , my Granddaddy 's belongings , and the butterflies behind . This is all more than he wants to think about anymore . It has become real for him too . For me , it is comfort , for my old country boy , it is the unknown , weird and maybe a little scary . In February 2005 Zach and I moved in with Mims , into his home . Left my old farmhouse behind on Hwy 65 . I wondered for awhile , worried for awhile , that my MaMa and Granddaddy wouldn 't find me . The Spring of 2005 , Josh and I are planting flower bulbs . Caladuims , my MaMa 's favorite and now , for years , mine . We always plant a bed of them somewhere , every year . We have THE wheelbarrow , that we call Granddaddy . When I 'm doing yard work , I 'll say , go bring me Granddaddy so I can load this stuff up . So , we have a wheelbarrow full of fertilizer and Caladuim bulbs . . aka MaMa . And I 'm telling Josh , Granddaddy is holding MaMa in his hands , as we roll the wheelbarrow across the yard , when we see two Monarch butterflies flitting around one of the dogwood trees . First of the season I 've seen , and somehow I know , once again , they have found us . Mims has come to grips with this whole Butterfly Angel thing . Now , HE will say , at the beginning of every Spring season , there 's your MaMa and Granddaddy , back to see us , ' wonder how they 're making out up there these days ' ? And I just smile and say , ' pretty good I imagine , pretty good ' . The butterflies began for me many years ago . To understand , I must start at the beginning . I won 't be able to tell this story all at once . It expands over years of time , and is very emotional for me . It 's sad at times , but ultimately , it brings me happiness and comfort . For all of you straddling the fence of belief or non - belief , I hope this makes you feel good . Nothing more , nothing less . I 'm not here to convert , I am here to comfort . My cousin Adam loved butterflies . Adam died at the very young age of four . Adam was electrocuted doing what little boys like to do , he was flying a kite . The kite line hit an electrical line . I was five when Adam died . My family doesn 't talk about sadness or uncomfortable subjects . Which is normal , I guess . I don 't like sad either . . but I like to know . Pain can be joy , if you remember the right things . Adam and the discussion of Adam was between me and my grandmother Eloise when I was about 15 years old . I knew , I think , about the kite , because we never had kites . But I didn 't know about the butterflies . I too , loved butterflies . And this particular day , my MaMa told me about Adam . She was teaching me how to cross stitch and the pattern I had picked was full of butterflies . She told me , that the day he was buried , they placed a butterfly in his casket because he loved them so . I have no idea if this set my love for them in concrete , or if I only thought about it every now and again . I just know the love has followed me into adulthood . I have them all over my house , in all forms . I had them in my room as a teenager . They have always been a part of my life . And I like to think , a connection / bond between me and my MaMa and Adam , all those years ago . My MaMa died when my Joshua was one years old , April of 1987 . The night of the day of her funeral , we had gone to bed . Lying in my bed , I heard the mobile that hung above Josh 's bed , make the slightest tinkle , pretty soft music . I got up to see what was going on , it was moving , he was asleep , and there was no fan , no air running in his room . I have always known that was my MaMa looking at my baby . Maybe saying goodbye , making taking a last look . But it brought me a peace unlike any other . July of 1998 , me and my boys moved to Quincy Florida , I was 1 1 / 2 years into a divorce , and moving away from everything I had any memory of knowing . I wondered if my MaMa would know where I was , if she would worry . I wondered this , because this is how I think . I have a problem with " never again " and my only comfort thru life , is that I will see and know loved ones again . We moved into a big , old fixed up farmhouse . We were into our 3rd week of living there , sitting on our front porch swing , and suddenly , the porch and the bushes around the porch were over run with butterflies . I knew she had found me , found us . That house had more butterfly action than I have ever seen in my life , to date . In April 2003 , I was going home for lunch , I was flipping radio stations , and I landed on an instrumental only station playing the same song my Grandadddy played on the piano after every single meal we ate . I thought of him all the way home . He was so hard to talk to , I always had to work my nerve up for conversation . But I called when I got home to check on him . He was fine , he said . He shouted , he could not hear well . One week later , he had a mild heart attack and fell in his driveway . The granddaddy who was the husband to my precious MaMa . Strange that I haven 't mentioned him until now , not really . We were never very close . He was a hard man to love sometimes and even harder to like . I never thought he liked me much , or anyone else for that matter . He tolerated me for my MaMa , I think he knew better . He was an acquired taste of a man . After the fall , my family had to place him in a nursing home . He was a very proud man . Had he known , had he been aware , he would not have been pleased . That someone had to dress him , bathe him and help him brush his teeth . I went to visit him prepared for nothing . To have no feeling , to have no hurt . He broke my heart . He wasn 't that same man who was so hard to talk to , he was a sad old man . The very first visit , I went with WD . My Granddaddy was in an open room with a TV playing . He was sitting in a wheelchair . I held a cup of water , while he tried to remember how to drink out of the straw . I walked away from that visit a changed person . It was so upsetting , that he was so much easier to love , when I wasn 't really sure he even really knew who I was anymore . At some point , on another one of the visits , when I brought my boys , I saw a glimmer of realization . If for only a minute , he knew us . He asked Zach how he was doing in school and called me sweetie when he kissed me on the cheek . The boys left " pieces " of them with him . Josh left a beanie hat and Zach left a little green John Deer Tractor . To keep us with him , we left him pieces to hold onto . My granddaddy passed July 2003 . I have to stop here , but I promise , the rest of this part of the story is beautiful and happy . I hope you come back tomorrow to read it . My son Josh has a friend Aliza . . they went to high school together . They see each other maybe 2 times a year . . and they are still close friends at 24 years old . He sees her when he comes home on holidays , if she is here , and she makes stop offs in Tuscaloosa on her way back from wherever she has been . She is in and out of school as she can afford it . She is working her way thru . Her goal , a wildlife veterinarian . Aliza is everything I think we all want to be . She 's a nomad . She has been everywhere . . alone . Just packs a bag and goes . Her next journey , which begins in days . . is Australia . Freaking Australia I tell you . Just packing 2 bags . . and will be gone a year . I cannot imagine . She stood here in my living room a few minutes ago ( her and Josh are headed the Imax to see Harry Potter in Tally ) and I was just in awe at her bravery , courage and self assurance . I asked her did she have a place , a job , a plan . . she said she was looking for jobs . . everything else was unplanned . . winging it ! I love that my son is of the generation who doesn 't think they have to get married and have 2 . 5 children by the time they are 30 years old . What exciting lives they all have ahead of them . . because we have raised them to be different . To explore . . to divide and conquer . Living life man . . . living life . Alright . . everybody . . . this is it . . . . my BLOG is here ! ! ! I hope you find this as entertaining as some of my posts . Don 't mind saying , I feel way out of my element . . but I want to do this like I 've never wanted to do anything else . . other than talk and write what I say . It won 't be fancy . . but it 'll be real . |
New Years Resolutions . Why do we do this ? Why do we put undue pressure on ourselves ? I mean , I know we intend to keep these resolutions . I would certainly hope we do . That we would sit around and make up things we never intend to do in the first place would be ludicrous . Wouldn 't it ? My gracious . Why lie to ourselves ? Why pretend to ourselves and half of the free world ? Because you know , as we speak , resolutions are being posted world - wide on Face Book , My Space and every other social network to be found . I don 't know what my resolutions are yet . I know it 's New Year 's Eve , but this is important , and I am still thinking . I want to be able to fulfill my wishful resolution obligations . I mean I KNOW what I would like to say . I would LIKE to resolute that : 1 . I will lose 75 pounds . Or 10 , which is much less adventurous but more achievable . 2 . I will never be a smarty britches when it 's uncalled for again . But , is it ever called for , really ? 3 . I will eat healthier . I will never again , eat a mayonnaise sandwich or a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies by myself . I will invite others to join me , I will share . 4 . I will not stomp , throw things , or holler when something doesn 't suit me . Kudos if I do this . . it 's going to be next to impossible . 5 . I will not curse . ( this one can be thrown out RIGHT NOW ) . Reality please , reality . 6 . I will present myself with consummate patience always . Even when entering all drive thru eatery windows . Which should not be hard since I am supposed to be eating healthy . * See # 3 9 . I will love myself and take care of myself , as much as I do others . Without me , I cannot help them . For which some of them might be grateful . . that I quit helping . . so much . 10 I will try to limit the number of times I repeat these words in year 2011 " If you want to talk about somebody , come sit by me " . Although I love that quote , and it makes me laugh , it is not nice . That 's it . That 's about all I 've got to offer . I feel it 's real . I meant every word I said . And , I can do all of it if I try . A sweet , sweet girl ( who I have never known to be hateful ) posted a wonderful thing today . She said , " I don 't have to be hateful , I can just say Bless Your Heart . " Isn 't that the most beautiful thing ? The easiest thing in the world to do ? When you want to cuss , holler , scream , be rude , be impatient , snap out words , argue and be mean . . . . even if someone is directing all those things at you , just stop . . . . breathe deep . . and say . . . Bless your heart . What in the world can someone say back to that ? How could they ever keep hollering , ranting or being ugly ? No one in the world can refute or ignore those words when spoken . Bless your heart . That 's it . So simple . And although it 's a world wide saying , it sounds so very Southern . It just rolls right off of your tongue . So , this is my vow , to add as my # 11 Resolution . This year , in 2011 , I will say , Bless your heart , as many times as I possibly can , to everyone I know . I think that works as well as my # 's 1 - 10 put together . Thanks for reading . May everything you want and everything you need , come to you , in 2011 . Happy New Year ! And , Bless your Heart . I love to fish . Mims says something about fishing on a Saturday night , on Sunday morning , I 'm the first one out of the bed . Mine are the first feet to hit the floor . I 'm the first one to the boat . Time required to get ready . . 10 minutes . . max . Hair pulled back in a bun , on the top of my head , absent of all make - up , except my lips . My lipstick . I don 't go to my mailbox without my " lips on " . It 's a Southern thing I think . I have NEVER seen my mother in public without her " lips on " . My clothing is simple . A tank top , shorts and my pink rubber Avon shoes . They are the ugliest shoes you have ever seen in your life . But I love them . And they don 't slip and slide . They are durable and can get wet . And they do . Get wet . A lot . I have in tow , rations and drinks . The rations consist of Vienna sausages , saltines and oatmeal creme pies . The drinks are water , sprite , and diet coke . I also have plenty of sunscreen . Sunscreen for in the morning . When the sun is barely peeking through the trees and is welcome . As it sends a sheath of warmth over your skin from the pre - dawn coolness . And sunscreen for the afternoons . When the sun is blazing so hot , it feels like your skin is frying on your bones . And , I have my worms . When we first started fishing , I wouldn 't bait my hook . With anything . But between guilt laid on me by various members of my family , and my need for instant gratification , I made up my mind . I would bait my own hook . I was tired of waiting until someone ( Mims ) else had time . It was holding me up , from catching the most fish . From having the biggest catch of the day . I picked worms for my bait of choice because my PaPa Josh fished with worms . That , and crickets feel like they come from the creepy , crawly roach family . I would grow up , man - up , and bait my own hook for him . My PaPa Josh . I love fishing so much now , you have to make me pull my poles in , and go home . I wasn 't always such a trooper . Before I met Mims , I had been fishing one time in my whole life . When I was about 18 years old , a friend of mine , Chuck Turner , talked me into going fishing with him . Such a foolish , foolish boy . Thinking he could make this city girl like fishing . Make me like getting up at 4am . Uh cause , you know , at 18 years old , I was not going ANYWHERE without my make - up on or my hair " fixed " . So , with all this being taken into account , I had to get up at 3am . Yes , I said . . . 3am . To go fishing . In the dark . In a swamp . Because my friends , that 's where he took me . To a swamp . Or so it appeared to be , once we got there . He arrived at my house to pick me up . That the " boat " was in the back of his truck , should have been a clue for me . That meant , it was small , it had no motor , and we would have to man - handle this boat together , in the dark , to get it in . . . . the swamp . I say nothing . I just pile up in the truck , with my carefully fixed hair , make - up and dab of perfume . Yes , I said perfume . You know I had to be smelling good too . Gracious , I was an 18 year old girl ! In the truck , boat on the back , we head to our destination . In the dark . Because it 's still dark at 4 : 10am . We get to our water hole . And that 's exactly what it is , a hole with water . Not a lake , not a stream , a hole . . with water . And creepy looking trees all thru it , moss dripping down from the trees . I am trying to be brave . I am trying my best not to act like a sissy girl . But I am standing as close to him as I can get . As I am imagining all sorts of water snakes and scariness coming from all around me . He gently pries my hand and fingers from his arm and says it 's time to take the boat out of the truck . He 's gonna need a little help . I was glad he only needed a little help , cause that 's about all I was gonna be worth . A little help . We get it out , he shoves it in at the edge of the water hole and looks back at me and says . . " ok . . jump in " . I 'm just standing there staring at him , what I can see of him , because it 's still dark . At 4 : 25am . " Jump in where ? " . . I exclaim . And I do admit , my voice went up a couple of octaves . Because the dang boat ( and I still use that boat term loosely ) is starting to float off . Just where exactly do I begin to " jump in " from I ask you ? Do I have to get in the water , with my pretty sandals ( and they were cutie tootie sandals I might add ) and then jump in ? Yeah like that 's gonna happen . He tells me , I should have worn an old pair of tennis shoes . Tennis shoes that I wouldn 't mind getting wet . Well , I 'm thinking , ( cause I 'm still trying to be nice and not a sissy girl ) NOW is a dang fine time to tell me that . So , I make a command decision . AfterSo , I 'm in the boat , he 's in the boat . And let me tell you , how that 6ft boy managed to climb in that ever moving boat , so gracefully and with his head up and not face first into the boat , I will never know . OK . . we 're ready to fish . He 's got the poles out . . and the bait . WORMS . Do I want to bait my hook he says ? UH no . This had already been discussed prior to this trip . And he had already agreed , if I went , he would bait my hook . These where the conditions of my accompaniment . He just wanted to make sure I had not changed my mind . Again , UH no . I am there to hold a pole and watch . And to catch the biggest fish EV - ER , so I can tell everybody about it later . I don 't want to put the bait on and I don 't intend on taking my biggest fish ev - er , off the hook once I catch it . It 's about 5 : 15am now , and the boat is moving again . It 's swaying into the dripping moss and limbs that are hanging down . They are touching me . The creepy , feels like spiders , moss is touching me . On my face and arms . The tree limbs are grabbing my hair . The hair that is no longer fixed and pretty . Because the dew has found my hair . It has drooped and wet my pretty fixed hair . Now it is flat , and plastered to my head and I dare say , it is not in the least , pretty anymore . I don 't EVEN want to describe what shape my make - up was in . And now , I cannot even smell my carefully applied perfume behind my ears . All I can smell is swamp water . At daybreak , I begin to do the thing five year olds do . . . I begin to whine . Just a little , but nonetheless , it 's whining . I 'm hungry , when are we gonna see some fish , when , for gosh 's sake , can we GO HOME . Because , if you remember I have been up since 3am . . . and it is now a little after 6am . He 's been fishing for a whole hour or more and he hasn 't caught ANYTHING . So , it 's time to do something else as far as I am concerned . I do however , patiently let him fish for about another hour or so . I think I 'm being patient , he says I am fidgety , rocking the boat , and scaring the fish . My mind is screaming , what dang fish . . . I have seen NO fish , in the water or out . He 's ready to go , ( ready to get rid of me mostly ) , says he 'll come back later when the fish are biting . . yeah , right I 'm thinking . But I smile . . big . . . cause we are leaving the swamp . I don 't even mind getting out and helping him put the boat back in the truck ( my cutie tootie sandals are ruined anyway ) and whatever makes it faster . . I am all for . . you hear me ? ? ! ! Chuck took me home . I hugged his neck , and said , " please , I love you my dear friend , but let 's agree to never , ever do this together again . He hugged me tighter , which I took as affirmation of complete agreement . I went inside the house , went straight to take ANOTHER shower . To remove the swamp water . I looked into the mirror . . and Lawd have mercy . How that boy did not think I copyright © 2010 Michelle Mount Mims The year Zach was twelve , Zach is my youngest son , he announced he wanted to convert . To Judaism . He wanted to be Jewish he said . A girl in his class was dating a Jewish boy he said . He had been studying up on it he said . So , I 'm listening . For weeks , I am listening to his endless diatribe about converting to Judaism . Now , if you look at Zach , when his hair is grown out , he could pass for a Jewish boy . We have naturally curly hair , and he has a head full of it when he 's not shaving it off . He thinks , between the studying and the hair . . . he 's got this thing licked . And I do have to admit , I have been told by both of my sons , that a wonderful Jewish mother I would have made . Between the worrying , carefully applied guilt , and nagging . . . I fit that part perfectly . And I do a mean accent impersonation of a Jewish mother if I do say so myself . However , somewhere in the ensuing weeks , Zach slips . It suddenly becomes all too apparent that the biggest attraction for this whole " I want to be a Jewish boy " thing is this . . . . the Barmitzvah . Ah , yes . . . . THE party for a 13 year old Jewish Boy . The PARTY of all PARTIES . When a boy becomes a man in the Jewish world . I had to be honest , and tell my son , that a party is not a good enough reason to convert to any religion . No matter that it sounded like a dang hoot of an idea . So , this idea is a dead one . We move on . He would still ( and does ) bring it up occasionally , with a forlorn look and the sounds of what might have been . But he 's moved on . I thought , he had moved on . This past Christmas , we are spending the night at my family 's house in Albany . It 's bedtime , everyone is getting prepared for sleep . I am going to sleep in their living room on the couch . I have showered and am in my bedclothes . The couch is made up for sleep . Both boys make their way to see me , to tell me goodnight . They both have a seat and as usual , we begin to talk . About everything , and nothing . This is what we do when we 're together , which we seldom are anymore , because of life and growing up . Anyway , we 're all jibber jabbering about one thing or another , I look up , and see a wall hanging above their living room door . It says . . . Shalom . That 's it . . nothing more . . just . . Shalom . I look at my oldest son and say " what the hell is a Shalom sign doing above the door " . . I 'm laughing now , he is laughing , and I say , " Are we Jewish and no one told me ? " This is some 3 years later . I don 't think about our last parlay with Judaism . I don 't remember at this moment in time , the zest and vigor Zach put towards converting to be a Jewish boy . I 'm still laughing , Josh is laughing , as Zach sits stone - faced . Staring at both of us . As I am processing his look , and what it means , it begins . He wants to know what the sign is there for . . is it real . . . why did no one tell him . As all of this ranting is going on , in between our ( Josh and I ) alternate eye rolling and hysterical laughter , my mom and dad come in . Probably to see what all the raucous is about . Josh and I bring them up to speed . And it continues to roll . . down hill . . . . for me . Yes , it turns out , after some historical family investigation on my Daddy 's part , we are indeed part Jewish . Enough so , that Zach and Josh could very well be 1 / 8 Jewish , because I am 1 / 4 . Which is enough to qualify Zachary for a Barmitzvah . He could have indeed , had the party of a lifetime , 3 years ago . I tell him , he 'll be 16 years old in March , we 'll make it up to him with a Sweet Sixteen Party . He is not amused . We all laugh even harder , again , everyone but Zach . I tell him , if he 's really interested , we can look into it . Check out what all needs to be done . To convert . No , he says with a drama - filled voice as he holds his head down , shaking it from side to side . The damage is done now . The time has passed . Which equates to , turn out the lights , the party is over . The Barmitzvah party that is . I haven 't written anything about my second set of grandparents yet . I guess because I don 't feel like I knew them as well . As intimately . A lot of my memories are stories that have been told . Wonderful , warm stories told by my mother , their daughter . My PaPa Josh , my Josh 's namesake , died at a very young age . He was told when I was one year old , he might have six months to live . His head was filled with massive brain tumors . What a strong and powerful man he was , he lived until I was nine . He died on Christmas day . How fitting for such a wonderful man , to die on the birthday of Jesus . My own personal memories are few . The smell of cigars , Hershey 's Kisses ( silver bells ) , Orange Peanuts , and worms . To this day , I can smell a cigar and my sensory actions go into massive overload . When I first started dating Mims , he was still smoking . . . cigars . The man was in like Flynn . In many ways , Mims reminds of the stories / descriptions I 've been given about my Papa . My PaPa was a patient , reasoning , rational , self - made man . He liked to hunt and fish . Year round ' . Anything , hunt and fish for anything . Many of their meals were what he brought home . He raised worms in his back yard for his fishing . I thought that was the neatest thing . He had a little house on top of the ground , open it up . . and inside were worms galore ! For a living , he wired buildings . Electrically wired . He was the head man on wiring a huge Dam years ago . Before it was finished , he got too sick to go on and was unable to see it finished . For years , I thought my Sara MaMa was kind of prissy , a girlie girl . But when I got older , I heard stories of her cleaning everything that was killed that was brought home , wringing chickens necks , cleaning and cooking them , and fishing every time fishing was going on . What an impressive woman she was ! And a cook , man was she a cook . Many of the recipes that have been handed down to me , were hers . Her back yard had several huge pear trees and she made pear preserves like nobody 's business ! I guess I thought she was prissy , because she was always dressed so nice . She was a working grandmother , so I wasn 't able to spend as much time with her during the summers . But she always made sure she took a day or two off so I could spend the night with her . We would go out to eat and she had a great ice cream place she would take me too . . had the best shakes and cones ! Maybe that 's why I don 't feel I knew her as well , because she worked . And I guess , my grandchildren , when I have them , may feel the same . Because I too , work for a living . It 's necessary for my mind as well as financially . But she had the sweetest voice , when she would say my name , it sounded like angels talking . She would alternate between Michelle and Chell when she would talk to me . My PaPa called me Chell . . . " does Chell Bell want a Silver Bell " ? She tried so hard with the little time she had , for us to have a good time and I loved her for that . She played the piano , for herself , and for her Church . Epworth Methodist Church . We went to many a Homecoming at that church . And I knew , every time we went , she must have talked about us , bragged about us all the time . All kinds of people knew us , knew about us , and most of them , I had no idea who they were , and barely remembered them from one year to the next . My mother grew up in that same church , and was married in that church . And both of my grandparents ' funeral services were held in that church . Her belief and love for God was undeniable . If she sat down and played the piano , she would play a church song . But she would also teach me fun songs to play , songs you don 't think about your grandmother knowing how to play . She taught me to play a little ditty that went like this ♫ Shoes and clothes , shoes and clothes , that is where my money goes ♫ . I remember all those years ago , wondering how my MaMa knew such a silly song ? ! Amazing . You never went to her house that she didn 't have a case of small bottle Coca Colas . Ice cold Coca Colas and Neapolitan Ice cream . Always . There was a little store right at the top of her road that she traded out bottles and drinks . I loved going into that store with her . You could get for real penny candy ! She didn 't have central A / C in her house . She had three metal Frigidaire units . I have never since , felt any unit that put out as cold of air as those did . She had one in her side kitchen window that would freeze you to death if you sat on that side of her kitchen table . And to touch them . . literally felt like touching ice . Your finger would stick to it . Like how touching a piece of ice with your tongue feels . Til the end , her house , their house , smelled like cigar smoke . I guess because all of his life , in that house , he smoked . It was in her curtains , fabrics , and walls . It smelled so good . I have a dresser drawer that came from her house , and still , when you open the drawers , there is the faint , faint smell of cigar smoke . She died December of 84 ' , that 's a long time for a dresser to still smell of cigars . When she passed , I went with my mother to her house . My mother and her sister Lynda were packing up and separating items . My mother gave me a couple of pots and pans , a washing machine and a tea pot from the top of my MaMa 's stove . I still have that teapot and many more . That was the beginning of my TeaPot collection . I have 3 shelves on my walls lined with them , hers leading the way . For the most part , my mother 's memories ARE my memories and I love them all . Her memories fill in the blank spaces for me . But if I close my eyes , I can still hear Sara MaMa saying my name with her soft , angel voice and I can still smell PaPa Josh 's cigars . And also from stories I was told , my PaPa , until he passed and after , was my MaMa 's Guardian Angel , of that I am convinced . For most of my childhood , my MaMa Eloise was my best friend . I told her everything . She would laugh as hard as me at jokes , funny people and just general silliness . She was a very little woman in stature , about 5 foot tall , maybe . Wore a size 5 shoe . The only thing big was her tummy area . I had two MaMa 's , both in Phenix City . I decided at an early age , that so I could distinguish between the two , I ' named ' them . . . Big MaMa ( Eloise ) and Sara MaMa ( my mother 's mother ) . I am told at first , she was not very pleased . As a small child , I guess you don 't know any better . You do what works for you . All I know , is I called her that into adulthood , until she passed . I didn 't know until much later into adulthood that she didn 't like it at first , because she never said a word . I 'm guessing she knew I meant no harm . When she would laugh , her whole body would shake . The good kind of laugh , the most real of all . And Lord , did we laugh . My love for books came from my MaMa . She would read to me , buy me books . One of my favorite books to date , is the Uncle Remus Story Book she gave me . And every book was inscribed and dated . My Joshua has that book now . I read those stories to him when he was little . I don 't like to brag , but I could do those voices like nobody 's business ! Brer ' Rabbit and De ' Tar Baby . . classic story book telling material . She had books all over her house . And most summers , at least one day was dedicated to romping thru Used Book Stores . The kind you could bring books in and swap as well . She taught me how to cross - stitch very early . I loved it . We made pot holders with that ropey looking stuff you tied on a frame . And she taught me how to iron . I don 't know how many other people are aware , but back in the day , every man 's undershirt , handkerchiefs and undershorts were ironed . Yes sir . I have a small scar on my wrist from learning how to iron . That was one of my favorite things to do . . sounds unreal since that is the thing I hate most to do now . She was thrifty if she wasn 't anything else . She would buy bread and freeze it . I don 't think I have ever known anyone else who froze loaf bread . I never went to her house that she didn 't have fig newtons , ice cream and the best oatmeal ever made . We would make milkshakes , real milkshakes , with ice cream , milk , vanilla flavoring , sugar and a blender . She made real cinnamon toast too . Not that fake cinnamon sugar you buy now . She made her own with real sugar and cinnamon mixed . And soup , some kind of real homemade soup was always in that house . My Granddaddy was Assistant Superintendent of the Russell County School system . He came home for lunch every day . And had a bowl of soup and a sandwich . Every single day . There was no dishwasher and I loved washing her dishes . Her kitchen windows went all the way across the back . They were huge , wide open windows . I would stand there and wash dishes and look out over her yard . Right smack in the middle was a big , beautiful Sycamore Tree . She had Dogwoods and Pines all thru her yard as well . She had clotheslines way in the back that we would hang out clothes on during the summer . She had a dryer , but the line was used in warm weather . The redwood deck that was on the back of their house went all the way across the back of the house . We would sit out there a lot , early mornings and later in the evenings after supper . That woman loved a stray cat . She fed them all . When I got older , I loved to cut their grass during the summer . And one year , I begged for them to let me on top of their house to sweep off the pine straw . That seems a bit surreal to me now as climbing on the 2nd rung of a ladder makes me break into a cold sweat ! I have a lot of wonderful memories from that house . When my grandmother passed and my granddaddy remarried , he sold that house and moved about 5 miles up the road . That was very upsetting for me . Not only was my best friend gone , but now every childhood memory I had was gone . And strangers would be walking all thru the house amongst my memories . After he moved , the first few visits to see him in his new house , I would drive by and look at their old house . But I only did it twice , it was just too painful . The 2nd summer my Granddaddy lived in his new house , we had gone to visit . He told me to come outside , in the back yard , he had something to show me . We walked out thru the sliding glass doors , and right smack in the middle of his new back yard , he had planted a Sycamore Tree . At some point , he sure must have been paying attention to me . I know I talked about that other tree at his old house a lot when they lived there . It was just an amazing tree . Huge and perfectly spread out over their yard . The shade it provided was unreal . Maybe he needed to plant the new Sycamore tree to make it a home as much as I needed it to make it feel like his home for me . It wasn 't very big when he planted it . But when he passed some 13 odd years later , that tree had gotten pretty big . And now it too , sat very pretty , right smack in the middle of that back yard . Last summer , I planted a Sycamore Tree in my backyard . I cannot wait until it spreads it 's limbs and re - shapes the way my backyard looks . Life is all about memories , big and small , significant and insignificant . The memories are what get us through . To be able to close your eyes , and be right back where you were years and years ago . The smells , the sights , and the people . And the trees , even the trees . Sycamore trees . Their leaves are huge and when they drop they are some kind of messy , but man alive , I sure do love those trees . I put my Christmas tree and decorations up very early , every year . Like I start before Thanksgiving sometimes . So by the time Christmas Day has passed , so has my need to have my house in disorder . I am ready , just one day later , to have life as it should be , again . So , the dis - assembly begins . It is not any calmer or orderly than the assembly . It is not any nicer or sweeter . As much as no one ever wants to help me put it all up , they want even less , to help me take it all down . The grumbling and under the breath cursings begin . Santa has come and gone , along with all the sweet before Santa behavior . Now this year was a little different , as this year , Josh was not here to help put it all up . That day belonged to me and Zach . So of course , when it 's all coming down , NOTHING was put up right . Josh . . . " Why are these lights so tangled , how the heck did you wind these around the tree like this , the tree was pre - lit , why did you people think you needed more lights ? " Zach . . simply points to me and walks outside . He is going to take down the outside lights . It is 38 degrees , and he is not happy . He 's not happy that it 's cold and he 's not happy that he 's taking down lights he didn 't want to put up in the first place . I stand at the window , watching him snatch them down from the swing , knowing that those lights / bulbs will never work again . Right now , I don 't care . Next year , as we stand around the swing , holding lights that don 't work , and I 'm having to drive to Walmart to buy more , I will care . But the very best part about this whole dis - assembly thing this year is this . . . this year I decided to put the Christmas tree in a different place . My living room is not especially small , but I have it packed with furniture in such a way , the room is swallowed and to put anything else in it , is a struggle indeed . So , to save myself the trouble of rearranging furniture to simply erect a Christmas Tree , this year , I decided it would fit perfectly in front of our front door ! What a great idea ! No furniture has to be moved . . so much simpler of a process . Yahoo for me ! I thought . Uh no . Because . . the front door is connected to our front porch . The front porch that has the glider and rocking chairs . The front porch that Mims inhabits at least once every day , even if it 's only for five minutes . The front door that has a glass storm door that stays open as much as it stays shut . So he can see . He says . I say , so he can be nosy . But I digress . . . . the best part of this dis - assembly , is the tree is down , the front door is open , and Mims can see . Anything he wants to see . I have watched him walk to that door 22 times in the 2 hours it 's been re - opened . I know how many times our neighbors with the black dodge have left their house today , because Mims has told me so . I love Christmas and I love to decorate my house for Christmas . It makes me feel good . But I also like my house in it 's normal state . It also makes me feel good . So , it 's all down , it 's all back in place , and the front door to the world , is open once again . All is right in our house . . for now . I guess our family is like any other . We have strange family . An entertaining family . A strangely entertaining family , if you will . I used to think it was just us . . but as I tell my tales of funnies and woes . . we are normal no doubt . This is however , one of the first years in many , that NO incidents occurred at either Thanksgiving or Christmas . No arguments , no ejecting oneself out of recliners like a rocket , no trivial pursuits gone wrong , no references of who are you , where do you come from and that 's what 's wrong with you . I have however , seen a different side to my oldest son Joshua . Most of his visit has been a lecture of " going green " , " recycling is a must / what is wrong with you people " , and " you people have gone to hell in a hand basket since I left " . Somehow , since he left a little over a year ago , he 's learned that it cost money to run a dryer to get wrinkles out , he is willing to wear a pair of jeans more than once without washing as opposed to having them on 15 minutes and now they are dirty . The boy who once used a WAD of paper towels to dry 2 pots , offered me a 1 / 2 a sheet this morning when I asked for a paper towel to dry dishes . Half would do me he said , efficient and thrifty he said . And he is also offering his rehabilitation services to me while he is here . . therapy . " Stop stressing , quit worrying , if you don 't care about something , say so . You 're 47 years old , quit letting other people run you . If " your inner self " wants to say no , say no . " It 's working for him , for this is the man that told his mother 3 months ago , she was no longer allowed to comment on his face book page , in any form or fashion . He is an adult now , a professor . He cannot have his mother expressing her random silliness on his page for everyone to see . We can speak . . . in private . I don 't really know who this new person is . . . I guess he is the same person I raised . The boy I raised to be a man . An independent , take care of yourself , don 't let anyone run over you , learn to cook for yourself , never settle for less than what you want , mcopyright © 2010 Michelle Mount Mims About a year after my MaMa passed , my Granddaddy was coming to Albany , to visit my folks for the weekend . The night before , I dreamed about me and my MaMa . Like one of my summer visits . I suppose because I knew my Granddaddy was coming the next day , they were both on my mind . My summers were spent in one of her guest bedrooms . It had a twin bed , a hope chest , nightstand , and a three - tiered glass shelf . She had these same glass shelves throughout her house . I guess it was the way of decorating all those years ago . All the shelves had knick knack pretties on them . Both spare bedrooms and both bathrooms had these glass shelves . In the bedroom , the bed was pushed almost against the wall . . the glass shelves were centered on that wall , above the bed . This made it very difficult to make the bed without bumping your head on those shelves . I dreamed , me and my MaMa were making the bed together , and she got too close on her side , causing me to tell her to ' look out , MaMa , you are going to cut yourself ' . That 's it , that 's the dream . Not such big stuff . Nothing exciting . So that next day , Saturday , I 'm at my folks ' house , waiting on my Granddaddy to arrive for his visit . He comes in and he has a white bandage over his left eye . I asked him what in the world happened to his eye . He said the day before , he was in the bathroom , shaving and what not , and dropped his razor . He bent down to pick it up , came back up too fast and caught the corner of his face / eye on the corner of the bottom glass shelve . Said he liked to have never got it to stop bleeding . I absolutely could not breath . I asked him again , though I knew exactly what he had said , when he did it . He answered , again . And I just sat there staring at him . At his eye . My insides quivering with craziness . I never did tell him about the dream . Even to me , it sounded crazy . I 've already told you me and my Granddaddy were not very close . He loved me , I guessed all those years . You have to love your granddaughter , right ? Just like when I got older , I had to love my Granddaddy , right ? The comfort for me was always that my grandmother loved him . And I knew , if she loved him , deep down in there , there was a reason . And for me , that was enough . Although I would question it , and wonder about it , I tried not to think about the why 's and how 's of how they became one . For me , she was laughing sunshine , and he was a dark storm . He passed from this world , all of these emotions within me , still unresolved . For about a year before my Daddy and his sisters had to place him in a nursing home , my Dad drove back and forth from Albany to Phenix City , two or three times a week . Making sure he was bathed , had clean clothes , food , cleaned his house and basically just took care of him the best he could from a distance . Because until he had the heart attack , my Granddaddy refused to leave his home . A few months after he died , I dreamed the most awesome dream of my life . I dreamed I was his caretaker . I played the role my daddy had played for over a year . But some of the neighbors thought he was there alone and no one was taking care of him . Worried about him , they called the police . The police came , rang the door bell , I answered the door . I had been on the back deck sweeping off the pine straw . He told me the purpose of his visit . I assured him my Granddaddy was fine , I was taking care of him and that he was more than welcome to come in , take a look around . See for himself that the house was clean and he was fine . He took me up on my offer , came in , looked around and then asked to see my Granddaddy . He was still on the back deck , in his pajamas , it was too difficult some days to get him dressed . The policeman walked out on the deck , and then for a minute . . everything else was a blur . I saw my Granddaddy take the cop 's gun out of his side holster , the cop turned around and my Granddaddy shot him . I was screaming NO . . and running all at the same time . When I got to the policeman , lying on the deck , it was obvious , he was gone . I got up , turned back around and my Granddaddy was holding the gun out for me to take it from him . . He smiled , then hugged me , and kept patting my back , rocking me back and forth . That 's when I knew . He was still in this world just enough to know , that what the man had was a gun , and he thought that man was going to hurt me . He took it and shot him , to save me , protect me . I woke up shaking and crying , and knowing , that all that time , all those years , he loved me , he just didn 't know how to show it , until he had to , to save me . He would have always saved me , and I should have known it . Merry Christmas MaMa and Granddaddy , my Butterfly Angels , I love you both . My Granddaddy was 2 weeks from being 85 when he passed away in 2003 . His wife , my precious MaMa was 72 , when she passed in 1987 . He married again in between . He was of the generation that did not cook or clean for themselves , mostly because they didn 't know how . Marrying again was a necessity . He outlived both wives . We are leaving the funeral . The one I thought I wouldn 't cry at , at all . . . but did . Sadly , I could not communicate with him until he was weak . Until he became sweet and needed someone . He never really needed anyone before then , except to cook and clean . He was my last living grandparent , I think I cried because of that the most . We are driving home , we get about 30 minutes outside of Phenix City , in Cussetta Ga . And all of a sudden , butterflies are flying into our windshield . I mean slamming into it , right and left . I am hollering for WD ( my boyfriend , then husband now ) to slow down . To stop . They keep slamming , it is unreal . and I don 't mean two or three , I mean a LOT . They just kept coming . I have never had BUTTERFLIES fly into my windshield before . Never since . Now , let me stop and tell you , Mims ( WD ) knows my butterfly stories and how I feel . And until that day , he had listened , but with no reaction or comment . Mims is an old country boy from South Carolina . He doesn 't much like what he can 't see , understand or prove . But this day , when I am hollering and now crying for him to stop , because he is killing them with our vehicle , he begins to look nothing short of freaked out . My boys are in the backseat , and we are all watching the carnage while the vehicle is still moving . Tears are pouring down my face , as I tell him , that 's my MaMa and Granddaddy telling us goodbye . He says nothing and drives faster . It finally stops , but not before we are all emotionally drained and very quiet , each with our own thoughts of what in the hell just happened . In August of 2003 , my parents asked me to drive to Phenix City , Alabama , my Granddaddy 's home . They were cleaning up his house to sell it , and dividing up his life belongings . The major things were divided amongst his 3 children of course , we were there for , comfort mostly . I took things that probably meant nothing to most . I had 2 wing back chairs , burnt orange and baby blue ( from the 70 's era I am sure ) , his wallet , a handkerchief ( because he always had one in his pocket ) and a few pretty what nots . The handkerchief and wallet are in one of the pretty what not bowls with a top , on my nightstand , they still smell like him . There was a bookcase / tv holder we got for Zach and a bed frame and headboard Zach still sleeps on . And my best treasure of all , my Granddaddy 's old wheel barrow . He worked in his yard until he couldn 't anymore . So , Mims ' truck is packed / tied down . We look like Fred Sanford as we start our drive back to Quincy . It 's a 3 1 / 2 hour drive and I am not a good rider . Mims isn 't either . . he always has to drive . But at what I think is a half - way point , I asked to drive . My legs are restless and I need to do something . Mims tells me when we get to the next little town , I can 't remember the name , but we both called it the ghost town , some houses there , but mostly deserted buildings and such . He tells me , when we get there , we will pull over and swap out . So , we drive for another 30 minutes or so , we get there , and pull off at this old building that looks like it used to be a juke joint at one time . Now it 's nothing but old , dusty and deserted . I get out of my side of the truck I walk about 3 steps and I look down and there are hundreds of teeny tiny orange and yellow ( my favorite colors ) butterflies swarming and circling my legs from about the hip down . I just stand there paralyzed . Scared to move , scared to NOT move . I 'm still standing and staring when Mims comes around from his side of truck , asking me what am I doing , am I switching out or not ? He sets sight on what 's happening and just stops , dead still . I begin to whisper , because my mind says if I scare them they will stop . I 'm telling him to look , look at all of them . Only around me . Not him , not anywhere else , just my legs . We 're on the side of the road , in this deserted little town , with my Granddaddy piled all up on the back of the vehicle , and the butterfly 's have found me . They know I have his things , they can smell them . At least this is what I am whispering out loud . Mims is still not moving but telling me , in a weird voice , to just get in the truck . Start moving and get in the truck . I don 't want to move , I don 't want it to stop . But I look at his face , and he is not much before leaving me , my Granddaddy 's belongings , and the butterflies behind . This is all more than he wants to think about anymore . It has become real for him too . For me , it is comfort , for my old country boy , it is the unknown , weird and maybe a little scary . In February 2005 Zach and I moved in with Mims , into his home . Left my old farmhouse behind on Hwy 65 . I wondered for awhile , worried for awhile , that my MaMa and Granddaddy wouldn 't find me . The Spring of 2005 , Josh and I are planting flower bulbs . Caladuims , my MaMa 's favorite and now , for years , mine . We always plant a bed of them somewhere , every year . We have THE wheelbarrow , that we call Granddaddy . When I 'm doing yard work , I 'll say , go bring me Granddaddy so I can load this stuff up . So , we have a wheelbarrow full of fertilizer and Caladuim bulbs . . aka MaMa . And I 'm telling Josh , Granddaddy is holding MaMa in his hands , as we roll the wheelbarrow across the yard , when we see two Monarch butterflies flitting around one of the dogwood trees . First of the season I 've seen , and somehow I know , once again , they have found us . Mims has come to grips with this whole Butterfly Angel thing . Now , HE will say , at the beginning of every Spring season , there 's your MaMa and Granddaddy , back to see us , ' wonder how they 're making out up there these days ' ? And I just smile and say , ' pretty good I imagine , pretty good ' . The butterflies began for me many years ago . To understand , I must start at the beginning . I won 't be able to tell this story all at once . It expands over years of time , and is very emotional for me . It 's sad at times , but ultimately , it brings me happiness and comfort . For all of you straddling the fence of belief or non - belief , I hope this makes you feel good . Nothing more , nothing less . I 'm not here to convert , I am here to comfort . My cousin Adam loved butterflies . Adam died at the very young age of four . Adam was electrocuted doing what little boys like to do , he was flying a kite . The kite line hit an electrical line . I was five when Adam died . My family doesn 't talk about sadness or uncomfortable subjects . Which is normal , I guess . I don 't like sad either . . but I like to know . Pain can be joy , if you remember the right things . Adam and the discussion of Adam was between me and my grandmother Eloise when I was about 15 years old . I knew , I think , about the kite , because we never had kites . But I didn 't know about the butterflies . I too , loved butterflies . And this particular day , my MaMa told me about Adam . She was teaching me how to cross stitch and the pattern I had picked was full of butterflies . She told me , that the day he was buried , they placed a butterfly in his casket because he loved them so . I have no idea if this set my love for them in concrete , or if I only thought about it every now and again . I just know the love has followed me into adulthood . I have them all over my house , in all forms . I had them in my room as a teenager . They have always been a part of my life . And I like to think , a connection / bond between me and my MaMa and Adam , all those years ago . My MaMa died when my Joshua was one years old , April of 1987 . The night of the day of her funeral , we had gone to bed . Lying in my bed , I heard the mobile that hung above Josh 's bed , make the slightest tinkle , pretty soft music . I got up to see what was going on , it was moving , he was asleep , and there was no fan , no air running in his room . I have always known that was my MaMa looking at my baby . Maybe saying goodbye , making taking a last look . But it brought me a peace unlike any other . July of 1998 , me and my boys moved to Quincy Florida , I was 1 1 / 2 years into a divorce , and moving away from everything I had any memory of knowing . I wondered if my MaMa would know where I was , if she would worry . I wondered this , because this is how I think . I have a problem with " never again " and my only comfort thru life , is that I will see and know loved ones again . We moved into a big , old fixed up farmhouse . We were into our 3rd week of living there , sitting on our front porch swing , and suddenly , the porch and the bushes around the porch were over run with butterflies . I knew she had found me , found us . That house had more butterfly action than I have ever seen in my life , to date . In April 2003 , I was going home for lunch , I was flipping radio stations , and I landed on an instrumental only station playing the same song my Grandadddy played on the piano after every single meal we ate . I thought of him all the way home . He was so hard to talk to , I always had to work my nerve up for conversation . But I called when I got home to check on him . He was fine , he said . He shouted , he could not hear well . One week later , he had a mild heart attack and fell in his driveway . The granddaddy who was the husband to my precious MaMa . Strange that I haven 't mentioned him until now , not really . We were never very close . He was a hard man to love sometimes and even harder to like . I never thought he liked me much , or anyone else for that matter . He tolerated me for my MaMa , I think he knew better . He was an acquired taste of a man . After the fall , my family had to place him in a nursing home . He was a very proud man . Had he known , had he been aware , he would not have been pleased . That someone had to dress him , bathe him and help him brush his teeth . I went to visit him prepared for nothing . To have no feeling , to have no hurt . He broke my heart . He wasn 't that same man who was so hard to talk to , he was a sad old man . The very first visit , I went with WD . My Granddaddy was in an open room with a TV playing . He was sitting in a wheelchair . I held a cup of water , while he tried to remember how to drink out of the straw . I walked away from that visit a changed person . It was so upsetting , that he was so much easier to love , when I wasn 't really sure he even really knew who I was anymore . At some point , on another one of the visits , when I brought my boys , I saw a glimmer of realization . If for only a minute , he knew us . He asked Zach how he was doing in school and called me sweetie when he kissed me on the cheek . The boys left " pieces " of them with him . Josh left a beanie hat and Zach left a little green John Deer Tractor . To keep us with him , we left him pieces to hold onto . My granddaddy passed July 2003 . I have to stop here , but I promise , the rest of this part of the story is beautiful and happy . I hope you come back tomorrow to read it . My son Josh has a friend Aliza . . they went to high school together . They see each other maybe 2 times a year . . and they are still close friends at 24 years old . He sees her when he comes home on holidays , if she is here , and she makes stop offs in Tuscaloosa on her way back from wherever she has been . She is in and out of school as she can afford it . She is working her way thru . Her goal , a wildlife veterinarian . Aliza is everything I think we all want to be . She 's a nomad . She has been everywhere . . alone . Just packs a bag and goes . Her next journey , which begins in days . . is Australia . Freaking Australia I tell you . Just packing 2 bags . . and will be gone a year . I cannot imagine . She stood here in my living room a few minutes ago ( her and Josh are headed the Imax to see Harry Potter in Tally ) and I was just in awe at her bravery , courage and self assurance . I asked her did she have a place , a job , a plan . . she said she was looking for jobs . . everything else was unplanned . . winging it ! I love that my son is of the generation who doesn 't think they have to get married and have 2 . 5 children by the time they are 30 years old . What exciting lives they all have ahead of them . . because we have raised them to be different . To explore . . to divide and conquer . Living life man . . . living life . Alright . . everybody . . . this is it . . . . my BLOG is here ! ! ! I hope you find this as entertaining as some of my posts . Don 't mind saying , I feel way out of my element . . but I want to do this like I 've never wanted to do anything else . . other than talk and write what I say . It won 't be fancy . . but it 'll be real . |
New Years Resolutions . Why do we do this ? Why do we put undue pressure on ourselves ? I mean , I know we intend to keep these resolutions . I would certainly hope we do . That we would sit around and make up things we never intend to do in the first place would be ludicrous . Wouldn 't it ? My gracious . Why lie to ourselves ? Why pretend to ourselves and half of the free world ? Because you know , as we speak , resolutions are being posted world - wide on Face Book , My Space and every other social network to be found . I don 't know what my resolutions are yet . I know it 's New Year 's Eve , but this is important , and I am still thinking . I want to be able to fulfill my wishful resolution obligations . I mean I KNOW what I would like to say . I would LIKE to resolute that : 1 . I will lose 75 pounds . Or 10 , which is much less adventurous but more achievable . 2 . I will never be a smarty britches when it 's uncalled for again . But , is it ever called for , really ? 3 . I will eat healthier . I will never again , eat a mayonnaise sandwich or a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies by myself . I will invite others to join me , I will share . 4 . I will not stomp , throw things , or holler when something doesn 't suit me . Kudos if I do this . . it 's going to be next to impossible . 5 . I will not curse . ( this one can be thrown out RIGHT NOW ) . Reality please , reality . 6 . I will present myself with consummate patience always . Even when entering all drive thru eatery windows . Which should not be hard since I am supposed to be eating healthy . * See # 3 9 . I will love myself and take care of myself , as much as I do others . Without me , I cannot help them . For which some of them might be grateful . . that I quit helping . . so much . 10 I will try to limit the number of times I repeat these words in year 2011 " If you want to talk about somebody , come sit by me " . Although I love that quote , and it makes me laugh , it is not nice . That 's it . That 's about all I 've got to offer . I feel it 's real . I meant every word I said . And , I can do all of it if I try . A sweet , sweet girl ( who I have never known to be hateful ) posted a wonderful thing today . She said , " I don 't have to be hateful , I can just say Bless Your Heart . " Isn 't that the most beautiful thing ? The easiest thing in the world to do ? When you want to cuss , holler , scream , be rude , be impatient , snap out words , argue and be mean . . . . even if someone is directing all those things at you , just stop . . . . breathe deep . . and say . . . Bless your heart . What in the world can someone say back to that ? How could they ever keep hollering , ranting or being ugly ? No one in the world can refute or ignore those words when spoken . Bless your heart . That 's it . So simple . And although it 's a world wide saying , it sounds so very Southern . It just rolls right off of your tongue . So , this is my vow , to add as my # 11 Resolution . This year , in 2011 , I will say , Bless your heart , as many times as I possibly can , to everyone I know . I think that works as well as my # 's 1 - 10 put together . Thanks for reading . May everything you want and everything you need , come to you , in 2011 . Happy New Year ! And , Bless your Heart . I love to fish . Mims says something about fishing on a Saturday night , on Sunday morning , I 'm the first one out of the bed . Mine are the first feet to hit the floor . I 'm the first one to the boat . Time required to get ready . . 10 minutes . . max . Hair pulled back in a bun , on the top of my head , absent of all make - up , except my lips . My lipstick . I don 't go to my mailbox without my " lips on " . It 's a Southern thing I think . I have NEVER seen my mother in public without her " lips on " . My clothing is simple . A tank top , shorts and my pink rubber Avon shoes . They are the ugliest shoes you have ever seen in your life . But I love them . And they don 't slip and slide . They are durable and can get wet . And they do . Get wet . A lot . I have in tow , rations and drinks . The rations consist of Vienna sausages , saltines and oatmeal creme pies . The drinks are water , sprite , and diet coke . I also have plenty of sunscreen . Sunscreen for in the morning . When the sun is barely peeking through the trees and is welcome . As it sends a sheath of warmth over your skin from the pre - dawn coolness . And sunscreen for the afternoons . When the sun is blazing so hot , it feels like your skin is frying on your bones . And , I have my worms . When we first started fishing , I wouldn 't bait my hook . With anything . But between guilt laid on me by various members of my family , and my need for instant gratification , I made up my mind . I would bait my own hook . I was tired of waiting until someone ( Mims ) else had time . It was holding me up , from catching the most fish . From having the biggest catch of the day . I picked worms for my bait of choice because my PaPa Josh fished with worms . That , and crickets feel like they come from the creepy , crawly roach family . I would grow up , man - up , and bait my own hook for him . My PaPa Josh . I love fishing so much now , you have to make me pull my poles in , and go home . I wasn 't always such a trooper . Before I met Mims , I had been fishing one time in my whole life . When I was about 18 years old , a friend of mine , Chuck Turner , talked me into going fishing with him . Such a foolish , foolish boy . Thinking he could make this city girl like fishing . Make me like getting up at 4am . Uh cause , you know , at 18 years old , I was not going ANYWHERE without my make - up on or my hair " fixed " . So , with all this being taken into account , I had to get up at 3am . Yes , I said . . . 3am . To go fishing . In the dark . In a swamp . Because my friends , that 's where he took me . To a swamp . Or so it appeared to be , once we got there . He arrived at my house to pick me up . That the " boat " was in the back of his truck , should have been a clue for me . That meant , it was small , it had no motor , and we would have to man - handle this boat together , in the dark , to get it in . . . . the swamp . I say nothing . I just pile up in the truck , with my carefully fixed hair , make - up and dab of perfume . Yes , I said perfume . You know I had to be smelling good too . Gracious , I was an 18 year old girl ! In the truck , boat on the back , we head to our destination . In the dark . Because it 's still dark at 4 : 10am . We get to our water hole . And that 's exactly what it is , a hole with water . Not a lake , not a stream , a hole . . with water . And creepy looking trees all thru it , moss dripping down from the trees . I am trying to be brave . I am trying my best not to act like a sissy girl . But I am standing as close to him as I can get . As I am imagining all sorts of water snakes and scariness coming from all around me . He gently pries my hand and fingers from his arm and says it 's time to take the boat out of the truck . He 's gonna need a little help . I was glad he only needed a little help , cause that 's about all I was gonna be worth . A little help . We get it out , he shoves it in at the edge of the water hole and looks back at me and says . . " ok . . jump in " . I 'm just standing there staring at him , what I can see of him , because it 's still dark . At 4 : 25am . " Jump in where ? " . . I exclaim . And I do admit , my voice went up a couple of octaves . Because the dang boat ( and I still use that boat term loosely ) is starting to float off . Just where exactly do I begin to " jump in " from I ask you ? Do I have to get in the water , with my pretty sandals ( and they were cutie tootie sandals I might add ) and then jump in ? Yeah like that 's gonna happen . He tells me , I should have worn an old pair of tennis shoes . Tennis shoes that I wouldn 't mind getting wet . Well , I 'm thinking , ( cause I 'm still trying to be nice and not a sissy girl ) NOW is a dang fine time to tell me that . So , I make a command decision . AfterSo , I 'm in the boat , he 's in the boat . And let me tell you , how that 6ft boy managed to climb in that ever moving boat , so gracefully and with his head up and not face first into the boat , I will never know . OK . . we 're ready to fish . He 's got the poles out . . and the bait . WORMS . Do I want to bait my hook he says ? UH no . This had already been discussed prior to this trip . And he had already agreed , if I went , he would bait my hook . These where the conditions of my accompaniment . He just wanted to make sure I had not changed my mind . Again , UH no . I am there to hold a pole and watch . And to catch the biggest fish EV - ER , so I can tell everybody about it later . I don 't want to put the bait on and I don 't intend on taking my biggest fish ev - er , off the hook once I catch it . It 's about 5 : 15am now , and the boat is moving again . It 's swaying into the dripping moss and limbs that are hanging down . They are touching me . The creepy , feels like spiders , moss is touching me . On my face and arms . The tree limbs are grabbing my hair . The hair that is no longer fixed and pretty . Because the dew has found my hair . It has drooped and wet my pretty fixed hair . Now it is flat , and plastered to my head and I dare say , it is not in the least , pretty anymore . I don 't EVEN want to describe what shape my make - up was in . And now , I cannot even smell my carefully applied perfume behind my ears . All I can smell is swamp water . At daybreak , I begin to do the thing five year olds do . . . I begin to whine . Just a little , but nonetheless , it 's whining . I 'm hungry , when are we gonna see some fish , when , for gosh 's sake , can we GO HOME . Because , if you remember I have been up since 3am . . . and it is now a little after 6am . He 's been fishing for a whole hour or more and he hasn 't caught ANYTHING . So , it 's time to do something else as far as I am concerned . I do however , patiently let him fish for about another hour or so . I think I 'm being patient , he says I am fidgety , rocking the boat , and scaring the fish . My mind is screaming , what dang fish . . . I have seen NO fish , in the water or out . He 's ready to go , ( ready to get rid of me mostly ) , says he 'll come back later when the fish are biting . . yeah , right I 'm thinking . But I smile . . big . . . cause we are leaving the swamp . I don 't even mind getting out and helping him put the boat back in the truck ( my cutie tootie sandals are ruined anyway ) and whatever makes it faster . . I am all for . . you hear me ? ? ! ! Chuck took me home . I hugged his neck , and said , " please , I love you my dear friend , but let 's agree to never , ever do this together again . He hugged me tighter , which I took as affirmation of complete agreement . I went inside the house , went straight to take ANOTHER shower . To remove the swamp water . I looked into the mirror . . and Lawd have mercy . How that boy did not think I copyright © 2010 Michelle Mount Mims The year Zach was twelve , Zach is my youngest son , he announced he wanted to convert . To Judaism . He wanted to be Jewish he said . A girl in his class was dating a Jewish boy he said . He had been studying up on it he said . So , I 'm listening . For weeks , I am listening to his endless diatribe about converting to Judaism . Now , if you look at Zach , when his hair is grown out , he could pass for a Jewish boy . We have naturally curly hair , and he has a head full of it when he 's not shaving it off . He thinks , between the studying and the hair . . . he 's got this thing licked . And I do have to admit , I have been told by both of my sons , that a wonderful Jewish mother I would have made . Between the worrying , carefully applied guilt , and nagging . . . I fit that part perfectly . And I do a mean accent impersonation of a Jewish mother if I do say so myself . However , somewhere in the ensuing weeks , Zach slips . It suddenly becomes all too apparent that the biggest attraction for this whole " I want to be a Jewish boy " thing is this . . . . the Barmitzvah . Ah , yes . . . . THE party for a 13 year old Jewish Boy . The PARTY of all PARTIES . When a boy becomes a man in the Jewish world . I had to be honest , and tell my son , that a party is not a good enough reason to convert to any religion . No matter that it sounded like a dang hoot of an idea . So , this idea is a dead one . We move on . He would still ( and does ) bring it up occasionally , with a forlorn look and the sounds of what might have been . But he 's moved on . I thought , he had moved on . This past Christmas , we are spending the night at my family 's house in Albany . It 's bedtime , everyone is getting prepared for sleep . I am going to sleep in their living room on the couch . I have showered and am in my bedclothes . The couch is made up for sleep . Both boys make their way to see me , to tell me goodnight . They both have a seat and as usual , we begin to talk . About everything , and nothing . This is what we do when we 're together , which we seldom are anymore , because of life and growing up . Anyway , we 're all jibber jabbering about one thing or another , I look up , and see a wall hanging above their living room door . It says . . . Shalom . That 's it . . nothing more . . just . . Shalom . I look at my oldest son and say " what the hell is a Shalom sign doing above the door " . . I 'm laughing now , he is laughing , and I say , " Are we Jewish and no one told me ? " This is some 3 years later . I don 't think about our last parlay with Judaism . I don 't remember at this moment in time , the zest and vigor Zach put towards converting to be a Jewish boy . I 'm still laughing , Josh is laughing , as Zach sits stone - faced . Staring at both of us . As I am processing his look , and what it means , it begins . He wants to know what the sign is there for . . is it real . . . why did no one tell him . As all of this ranting is going on , in between our ( Josh and I ) alternate eye rolling and hysterical laughter , my mom and dad come in . Probably to see what all the raucous is about . Josh and I bring them up to speed . And it continues to roll . . down hill . . . . for me . Yes , it turns out , after some historical family investigation on my Daddy 's part , we are indeed part Jewish . Enough so , that Zach and Josh could very well be 1 / 8 Jewish , because I am 1 / 4 . Which is enough to qualify Zachary for a Barmitzvah . He could have indeed , had the party of a lifetime , 3 years ago . I tell him , he 'll be 16 years old in March , we 'll make it up to him with a Sweet Sixteen Party . He is not amused . We all laugh even harder , again , everyone but Zach . I tell him , if he 's really interested , we can look into it . Check out what all needs to be done . To convert . No , he says with a drama - filled voice as he holds his head down , shaking it from side to side . The damage is done now . The time has passed . Which equates to , turn out the lights , the party is over . The Barmitzvah party that is . I haven 't written anything about my second set of grandparents yet . I guess because I don 't feel like I knew them as well . As intimately . A lot of my memories are stories that have been told . Wonderful , warm stories told by my mother , their daughter . My PaPa Josh , my Josh 's namesake , died at a very young age . He was told when I was one year old , he might have six months to live . His head was filled with massive brain tumors . What a strong and powerful man he was , he lived until I was nine . He died on Christmas day . How fitting for such a wonderful man , to die on the birthday of Jesus . My own personal memories are few . The smell of cigars , Hershey 's Kisses ( silver bells ) , Orange Peanuts , and worms . To this day , I can smell a cigar and my sensory actions go into massive overload . When I first started dating Mims , he was still smoking . . . cigars . The man was in like Flynn . In many ways , Mims reminds of the stories / descriptions I 've been given about my Papa . My PaPa was a patient , reasoning , rational , self - made man . He liked to hunt and fish . Year round ' . Anything , hunt and fish for anything . Many of their meals were what he brought home . He raised worms in his back yard for his fishing . I thought that was the neatest thing . He had a little house on top of the ground , open it up . . and inside were worms galore ! For a living , he wired buildings . Electrically wired . He was the head man on wiring a huge Dam years ago . Before it was finished , he got too sick to go on and was unable to see it finished . For years , I thought my Sara MaMa was kind of prissy , a girlie girl . But when I got older , I heard stories of her cleaning everything that was killed that was brought home , wringing chickens necks , cleaning and cooking them , and fishing every time fishing was going on . What an impressive woman she was ! And a cook , man was she a cook . Many of the recipes that have been handed down to me , were hers . Her back yard had several huge pear trees and she made pear preserves like nobody 's business ! I guess I thought she was prissy , because she was always dressed so nice . She was a working grandmother , so I wasn 't able to spend as much time with her during the summers . But she always made sure she took a day or two off so I could spend the night with her . We would go out to eat and she had a great ice cream place she would take me too . . had the best shakes and cones ! Maybe that 's why I don 't feel I knew her as well , because she worked . And I guess , my grandchildren , when I have them , may feel the same . Because I too , work for a living . It 's necessary for my mind as well as financially . But she had the sweetest voice , when she would say my name , it sounded like angels talking . She would alternate between Michelle and Chell when she would talk to me . My PaPa called me Chell . . . " does Chell Bell want a Silver Bell " ? She tried so hard with the little time she had , for us to have a good time and I loved her for that . She played the piano , for herself , and for her Church . Epworth Methodist Church . We went to many a Homecoming at that church . And I knew , every time we went , she must have talked about us , bragged about us all the time . All kinds of people knew us , knew about us , and most of them , I had no idea who they were , and barely remembered them from one year to the next . My mother grew up in that same church , and was married in that church . And both of my grandparents ' funeral services were held in that church . Her belief and love for God was undeniable . If she sat down and played the piano , she would play a church song . But she would also teach me fun songs to play , songs you don 't think about your grandmother knowing how to play . She taught me to play a little ditty that went like this ♫ Shoes and clothes , shoes and clothes , that is where my money goes ♫ . I remember all those years ago , wondering how my MaMa knew such a silly song ? ! Amazing . You never went to her house that she didn 't have a case of small bottle Coca Colas . Ice cold Coca Colas and Neapolitan Ice cream . Always . There was a little store right at the top of her road that she traded out bottles and drinks . I loved going into that store with her . You could get for real penny candy ! She didn 't have central A / C in her house . She had three metal Frigidaire units . I have never since , felt any unit that put out as cold of air as those did . She had one in her side kitchen window that would freeze you to death if you sat on that side of her kitchen table . And to touch them . . literally felt like touching ice . Your finger would stick to it . Like how touching a piece of ice with your tongue feels . Til the end , her house , their house , smelled like cigar smoke . I guess because all of his life , in that house , he smoked . It was in her curtains , fabrics , and walls . It smelled so good . I have a dresser drawer that came from her house , and still , when you open the drawers , there is the faint , faint smell of cigar smoke . She died December of 84 ' , that 's a long time for a dresser to still smell of cigars . When she passed , I went with my mother to her house . My mother and her sister Lynda were packing up and separating items . My mother gave me a couple of pots and pans , a washing machine and a tea pot from the top of my MaMa 's stove . I still have that teapot and many more . That was the beginning of my TeaPot collection . I have 3 shelves on my walls lined with them , hers leading the way . For the most part , my mother 's memories ARE my memories and I love them all . Her memories fill in the blank spaces for me . But if I close my eyes , I can still hear Sara MaMa saying my name with her soft , angel voice and I can still smell PaPa Josh 's cigars . And also from stories I was told , my PaPa , until he passed and after , was my MaMa 's Guardian Angel , of that I am convinced . For most of my childhood , my MaMa Eloise was my best friend . I told her everything . She would laugh as hard as me at jokes , funny people and just general silliness . She was a very little woman in stature , about 5 foot tall , maybe . Wore a size 5 shoe . The only thing big was her tummy area . I had two MaMa 's , both in Phenix City . I decided at an early age , that so I could distinguish between the two , I ' named ' them . . . Big MaMa ( Eloise ) and Sara MaMa ( my mother 's mother ) . I am told at first , she was not very pleased . As a small child , I guess you don 't know any better . You do what works for you . All I know , is I called her that into adulthood , until she passed . I didn 't know until much later into adulthood that she didn 't like it at first , because she never said a word . I 'm guessing she knew I meant no harm . When she would laugh , her whole body would shake . The good kind of laugh , the most real of all . And Lord , did we laugh . My love for books came from my MaMa . She would read to me , buy me books . One of my favorite books to date , is the Uncle Remus Story Book she gave me . And every book was inscribed and dated . My Joshua has that book now . I read those stories to him when he was little . I don 't like to brag , but I could do those voices like nobody 's business ! Brer ' Rabbit and De ' Tar Baby . . classic story book telling material . She had books all over her house . And most summers , at least one day was dedicated to romping thru Used Book Stores . The kind you could bring books in and swap as well . She taught me how to cross - stitch very early . I loved it . We made pot holders with that ropey looking stuff you tied on a frame . And she taught me how to iron . I don 't know how many other people are aware , but back in the day , every man 's undershirt , handkerchiefs and undershorts were ironed . Yes sir . I have a small scar on my wrist from learning how to iron . That was one of my favorite things to do . . sounds unreal since that is the thing I hate most to do now . She was thrifty if she wasn 't anything else . She would buy bread and freeze it . I don 't think I have ever known anyone else who froze loaf bread . I never went to her house that she didn 't have fig newtons , ice cream and the best oatmeal ever made . We would make milkshakes , real milkshakes , with ice cream , milk , vanilla flavoring , sugar and a blender . She made real cinnamon toast too . Not that fake cinnamon sugar you buy now . She made her own with real sugar and cinnamon mixed . And soup , some kind of real homemade soup was always in that house . My Granddaddy was Assistant Superintendent of the Russell County School system . He came home for lunch every day . And had a bowl of soup and a sandwich . Every single day . There was no dishwasher and I loved washing her dishes . Her kitchen windows went all the way across the back . They were huge , wide open windows . I would stand there and wash dishes and look out over her yard . Right smack in the middle was a big , beautiful Sycamore Tree . She had Dogwoods and Pines all thru her yard as well . She had clotheslines way in the back that we would hang out clothes on during the summer . She had a dryer , but the line was used in warm weather . The redwood deck that was on the back of their house went all the way across the back of the house . We would sit out there a lot , early mornings and later in the evenings after supper . That woman loved a stray cat . She fed them all . When I got older , I loved to cut their grass during the summer . And one year , I begged for them to let me on top of their house to sweep off the pine straw . That seems a bit surreal to me now as climbing on the 2nd rung of a ladder makes me break into a cold sweat ! I have a lot of wonderful memories from that house . When my grandmother passed and my granddaddy remarried , he sold that house and moved about 5 miles up the road . That was very upsetting for me . Not only was my best friend gone , but now every childhood memory I had was gone . And strangers would be walking all thru the house amongst my memories . After he moved , the first few visits to see him in his new house , I would drive by and look at their old house . But I only did it twice , it was just too painful . The 2nd summer my Granddaddy lived in his new house , we had gone to visit . He told me to come outside , in the back yard , he had something to show me . We walked out thru the sliding glass doors , and right smack in the middle of his new back yard , he had planted a Sycamore Tree . At some point , he sure must have been paying attention to me . I know I talked about that other tree at his old house a lot when they lived there . It was just an amazing tree . Huge and perfectly spread out over their yard . The shade it provided was unreal . Maybe he needed to plant the new Sycamore tree to make it a home as much as I needed it to make it feel like his home for me . It wasn 't very big when he planted it . But when he passed some 13 odd years later , that tree had gotten pretty big . And now it too , sat very pretty , right smack in the middle of that back yard . Last summer , I planted a Sycamore Tree in my backyard . I cannot wait until it spreads it 's limbs and re - shapes the way my backyard looks . Life is all about memories , big and small , significant and insignificant . The memories are what get us through . To be able to close your eyes , and be right back where you were years and years ago . The smells , the sights , and the people . And the trees , even the trees . Sycamore trees . Their leaves are huge and when they drop they are some kind of messy , but man alive , I sure do love those trees . I put my Christmas tree and decorations up very early , every year . Like I start before Thanksgiving sometimes . So by the time Christmas Day has passed , so has my need to have my house in disorder . I am ready , just one day later , to have life as it should be , again . So , the dis - assembly begins . It is not any calmer or orderly than the assembly . It is not any nicer or sweeter . As much as no one ever wants to help me put it all up , they want even less , to help me take it all down . The grumbling and under the breath cursings begin . Santa has come and gone , along with all the sweet before Santa behavior . Now this year was a little different , as this year , Josh was not here to help put it all up . That day belonged to me and Zach . So of course , when it 's all coming down , NOTHING was put up right . Josh . . . " Why are these lights so tangled , how the heck did you wind these around the tree like this , the tree was pre - lit , why did you people think you needed more lights ? " Zach . . simply points to me and walks outside . He is going to take down the outside lights . It is 38 degrees , and he is not happy . He 's not happy that it 's cold and he 's not happy that he 's taking down lights he didn 't want to put up in the first place . I stand at the window , watching him snatch them down from the swing , knowing that those lights / bulbs will never work again . Right now , I don 't care . Next year , as we stand around the swing , holding lights that don 't work , and I 'm having to drive to Walmart to buy more , I will care . But the very best part about this whole dis - assembly thing this year is this . . . this year I decided to put the Christmas tree in a different place . My living room is not especially small , but I have it packed with furniture in such a way , the room is swallowed and to put anything else in it , is a struggle indeed . So , to save myself the trouble of rearranging furniture to simply erect a Christmas Tree , this year , I decided it would fit perfectly in front of our front door ! What a great idea ! No furniture has to be moved . . so much simpler of a process . Yahoo for me ! I thought . Uh no . Because . . the front door is connected to our front porch . The front porch that has the glider and rocking chairs . The front porch that Mims inhabits at least once every day , even if it 's only for five minutes . The front door that has a glass storm door that stays open as much as it stays shut . So he can see . He says . I say , so he can be nosy . But I digress . . . . the best part of this dis - assembly , is the tree is down , the front door is open , and Mims can see . Anything he wants to see . I have watched him walk to that door 22 times in the 2 hours it 's been re - opened . I know how many times our neighbors with the black dodge have left their house today , because Mims has told me so . I love Christmas and I love to decorate my house for Christmas . It makes me feel good . But I also like my house in it 's normal state . It also makes me feel good . So , it 's all down , it 's all back in place , and the front door to the world , is open once again . All is right in our house . . for now . I guess our family is like any other . We have strange family . An entertaining family . A strangely entertaining family , if you will . I used to think it was just us . . but as I tell my tales of funnies and woes . . we are normal no doubt . This is however , one of the first years in many , that NO incidents occurred at either Thanksgiving or Christmas . No arguments , no ejecting oneself out of recliners like a rocket , no trivial pursuits gone wrong , no references of who are you , where do you come from and that 's what 's wrong with you . I have however , seen a different side to my oldest son Joshua . Most of his visit has been a lecture of " going green " , " recycling is a must / what is wrong with you people " , and " you people have gone to hell in a hand basket since I left " . Somehow , since he left a little over a year ago , he 's learned that it cost money to run a dryer to get wrinkles out , he is willing to wear a pair of jeans more than once without washing as opposed to having them on 15 minutes and now they are dirty . The boy who once used a WAD of paper towels to dry 2 pots , offered me a 1 / 2 a sheet this morning when I asked for a paper towel to dry dishes . Half would do me he said , efficient and thrifty he said . And he is also offering his rehabilitation services to me while he is here . . therapy . " Stop stressing , quit worrying , if you don 't care about something , say so . You 're 47 years old , quit letting other people run you . If " your inner self " wants to say no , say no . " It 's working for him , for this is the man that told his mother 3 months ago , she was no longer allowed to comment on his face book page , in any form or fashion . He is an adult now , a professor . He cannot have his mother expressing her random silliness on his page for everyone to see . We can speak . . . in private . I don 't really know who this new person is . . . I guess he is the same person I raised . The boy I raised to be a man . An independent , take care of yourself , don 't let anyone run over you , learn to cook for yourself , never settle for less than what you want , mcopyright © 2010 Michelle Mount Mims About a year after my MaMa passed , my Granddaddy was coming to Albany , to visit my folks for the weekend . The night before , I dreamed about me and my MaMa . Like one of my summer visits . I suppose because I knew my Granddaddy was coming the next day , they were both on my mind . My summers were spent in one of her guest bedrooms . It had a twin bed , a hope chest , nightstand , and a three - tiered glass shelf . She had these same glass shelves throughout her house . I guess it was the way of decorating all those years ago . All the shelves had knick knack pretties on them . Both spare bedrooms and both bathrooms had these glass shelves . In the bedroom , the bed was pushed almost against the wall . . the glass shelves were centered on that wall , above the bed . This made it very difficult to make the bed without bumping your head on those shelves . I dreamed , me and my MaMa were making the bed together , and she got too close on her side , causing me to tell her to ' look out , MaMa , you are going to cut yourself ' . That 's it , that 's the dream . Not such big stuff . Nothing exciting . So that next day , Saturday , I 'm at my folks ' house , waiting on my Granddaddy to arrive for his visit . He comes in and he has a white bandage over his left eye . I asked him what in the world happened to his eye . He said the day before , he was in the bathroom , shaving and what not , and dropped his razor . He bent down to pick it up , came back up too fast and caught the corner of his face / eye on the corner of the bottom glass shelve . Said he liked to have never got it to stop bleeding . I absolutely could not breath . I asked him again , though I knew exactly what he had said , when he did it . He answered , again . And I just sat there staring at him . At his eye . My insides quivering with craziness . I never did tell him about the dream . Even to me , it sounded crazy . I 've already told you me and my Granddaddy were not very close . He loved me , I guessed all those years . You have to love your granddaughter , right ? Just like when I got older , I had to love my Granddaddy , right ? The comfort for me was always that my grandmother loved him . And I knew , if she loved him , deep down in there , there was a reason . And for me , that was enough . Although I would question it , and wonder about it , I tried not to think about the why 's and how 's of how they became one . For me , she was laughing sunshine , and he was a dark storm . He passed from this world , all of these emotions within me , still unresolved . For about a year before my Daddy and his sisters had to place him in a nursing home , my Dad drove back and forth from Albany to Phenix City , two or three times a week . Making sure he was bathed , had clean clothes , food , cleaned his house and basically just took care of him the best he could from a distance . Because until he had the heart attack , my Granddaddy refused to leave his home . A few months after he died , I dreamed the most awesome dream of my life . I dreamed I was his caretaker . I played the role my daddy had played for over a year . But some of the neighbors thought he was there alone and no one was taking care of him . Worried about him , they called the police . The police came , rang the door bell , I answered the door . I had been on the back deck sweeping off the pine straw . He told me the purpose of his visit . I assured him my Granddaddy was fine , I was taking care of him and that he was more than welcome to come in , take a look around . See for himself that the house was clean and he was fine . He took me up on my offer , came in , looked around and then asked to see my Granddaddy . He was still on the back deck , in his pajamas , it was too difficult some days to get him dressed . The policeman walked out on the deck , and then for a minute . . everything else was a blur . I saw my Granddaddy take the cop 's gun out of his side holster , the cop turned around and my Granddaddy shot him . I was screaming NO . . and running all at the same time . When I got to the policeman , lying on the deck , it was obvious , he was gone . I got up , turned back around and my Granddaddy was holding the gun out for me to take it from him . . He smiled , then hugged me , and kept patting my back , rocking me back and forth . That 's when I knew . He was still in this world just enough to know , that what the man had was a gun , and he thought that man was going to hurt me . He took it and shot him , to save me , protect me . I woke up shaking and crying , and knowing , that all that time , all those years , he loved me , he just didn 't know how to show it , until he had to , to save me . He would have always saved me , and I should have known it . Merry Christmas MaMa and Granddaddy , my Butterfly Angels , I love you both . My Granddaddy was 2 weeks from being 85 when he passed away in 2003 . His wife , my precious MaMa was 72 , when she passed in 1987 . He married again in between . He was of the generation that did not cook or clean for themselves , mostly because they didn 't know how . Marrying again was a necessity . He outlived both wives . We are leaving the funeral . The one I thought I wouldn 't cry at , at all . . . but did . Sadly , I could not communicate with him until he was weak . Until he became sweet and needed someone . He never really needed anyone before then , except to cook and clean . He was my last living grandparent , I think I cried because of that the most . We are driving home , we get about 30 minutes outside of Phenix City , in Cussetta Ga . And all of a sudden , butterflies are flying into our windshield . I mean slamming into it , right and left . I am hollering for WD ( my boyfriend , then husband now ) to slow down . To stop . They keep slamming , it is unreal . and I don 't mean two or three , I mean a LOT . They just kept coming . I have never had BUTTERFLIES fly into my windshield before . Never since . Now , let me stop and tell you , Mims ( WD ) knows my butterfly stories and how I feel . And until that day , he had listened , but with no reaction or comment . Mims is an old country boy from South Carolina . He doesn 't much like what he can 't see , understand or prove . But this day , when I am hollering and now crying for him to stop , because he is killing them with our vehicle , he begins to look nothing short of freaked out . My boys are in the backseat , and we are all watching the carnage while the vehicle is still moving . Tears are pouring down my face , as I tell him , that 's my MaMa and Granddaddy telling us goodbye . He says nothing and drives faster . It finally stops , but not before we are all emotionally drained and very quiet , each with our own thoughts of what in the hell just happened . In August of 2003 , my parents asked me to drive to Phenix City , Alabama , my Granddaddy 's home . They were cleaning up his house to sell it , and dividing up his life belongings . The major things were divided amongst his 3 children of course , we were there for , comfort mostly . I took things that probably meant nothing to most . I had 2 wing back chairs , burnt orange and baby blue ( from the 70 's era I am sure ) , his wallet , a handkerchief ( because he always had one in his pocket ) and a few pretty what nots . The handkerchief and wallet are in one of the pretty what not bowls with a top , on my nightstand , they still smell like him . There was a bookcase / tv holder we got for Zach and a bed frame and headboard Zach still sleeps on . And my best treasure of all , my Granddaddy 's old wheel barrow . He worked in his yard until he couldn 't anymore . So , Mims ' truck is packed / tied down . We look like Fred Sanford as we start our drive back to Quincy . It 's a 3 1 / 2 hour drive and I am not a good rider . Mims isn 't either . . he always has to drive . But at what I think is a half - way point , I asked to drive . My legs are restless and I need to do something . Mims tells me when we get to the next little town , I can 't remember the name , but we both called it the ghost town , some houses there , but mostly deserted buildings and such . He tells me , when we get there , we will pull over and swap out . So , we drive for another 30 minutes or so , we get there , and pull off at this old building that looks like it used to be a juke joint at one time . Now it 's nothing but old , dusty and deserted . I get out of my side of the truck I walk about 3 steps and I look down and there are hundreds of teeny tiny orange and yellow ( my favorite colors ) butterflies swarming and circling my legs from about the hip down . I just stand there paralyzed . Scared to move , scared to NOT move . I 'm still standing and staring when Mims comes around from his side of truck , asking me what am I doing , am I switching out or not ? He sets sight on what 's happening and just stops , dead still . I begin to whisper , because my mind says if I scare them they will stop . I 'm telling him to look , look at all of them . Only around me . Not him , not anywhere else , just my legs . We 're on the side of the road , in this deserted little town , with my Granddaddy piled all up on the back of the vehicle , and the butterfly 's have found me . They know I have his things , they can smell them . At least this is what I am whispering out loud . Mims is still not moving but telling me , in a weird voice , to just get in the truck . Start moving and get in the truck . I don 't want to move , I don 't want it to stop . But I look at his face , and he is not much before leaving me , my Granddaddy 's belongings , and the butterflies behind . This is all more than he wants to think about anymore . It has become real for him too . For me , it is comfort , for my old country boy , it is the unknown , weird and maybe a little scary . In February 2005 Zach and I moved in with Mims , into his home . Left my old farmhouse behind on Hwy 65 . I wondered for awhile , worried for awhile , that my MaMa and Granddaddy wouldn 't find me . The Spring of 2005 , Josh and I are planting flower bulbs . Caladuims , my MaMa 's favorite and now , for years , mine . We always plant a bed of them somewhere , every year . We have THE wheelbarrow , that we call Granddaddy . When I 'm doing yard work , I 'll say , go bring me Granddaddy so I can load this stuff up . So , we have a wheelbarrow full of fertilizer and Caladuim bulbs . . aka MaMa . And I 'm telling Josh , Granddaddy is holding MaMa in his hands , as we roll the wheelbarrow across the yard , when we see two Monarch butterflies flitting around one of the dogwood trees . First of the season I 've seen , and somehow I know , once again , they have found us . Mims has come to grips with this whole Butterfly Angel thing . Now , HE will say , at the beginning of every Spring season , there 's your MaMa and Granddaddy , back to see us , ' wonder how they 're making out up there these days ' ? And I just smile and say , ' pretty good I imagine , pretty good ' . The butterflies began for me many years ago . To understand , I must start at the beginning . I won 't be able to tell this story all at once . It expands over years of time , and is very emotional for me . It 's sad at times , but ultimately , it brings me happiness and comfort . For all of you straddling the fence of belief or non - belief , I hope this makes you feel good . Nothing more , nothing less . I 'm not here to convert , I am here to comfort . My cousin Adam loved butterflies . Adam died at the very young age of four . Adam was electrocuted doing what little boys like to do , he was flying a kite . The kite line hit an electrical line . I was five when Adam died . My family doesn 't talk about sadness or uncomfortable subjects . Which is normal , I guess . I don 't like sad either . . but I like to know . Pain can be joy , if you remember the right things . Adam and the discussion of Adam was between me and my grandmother Eloise when I was about 15 years old . I knew , I think , about the kite , because we never had kites . But I didn 't know about the butterflies . I too , loved butterflies . And this particular day , my MaMa told me about Adam . She was teaching me how to cross stitch and the pattern I had picked was full of butterflies . She told me , that the day he was buried , they placed a butterfly in his casket because he loved them so . I have no idea if this set my love for them in concrete , or if I only thought about it every now and again . I just know the love has followed me into adulthood . I have them all over my house , in all forms . I had them in my room as a teenager . They have always been a part of my life . And I like to think , a connection / bond between me and my MaMa and Adam , all those years ago . My MaMa died when my Joshua was one years old , April of 1987 . The night of the day of her funeral , we had gone to bed . Lying in my bed , I heard the mobile that hung above Josh 's bed , make the slightest tinkle , pretty soft music . I got up to see what was going on , it was moving , he was asleep , and there was no fan , no air running in his room . I have always known that was my MaMa looking at my baby . Maybe saying goodbye , making taking a last look . But it brought me a peace unlike any other . July of 1998 , me and my boys moved to Quincy Florida , I was 1 1 / 2 years into a divorce , and moving away from everything I had any memory of knowing . I wondered if my MaMa would know where I was , if she would worry . I wondered this , because this is how I think . I have a problem with " never again " and my only comfort thru life , is that I will see and know loved ones again . We moved into a big , old fixed up farmhouse . We were into our 3rd week of living there , sitting on our front porch swing , and suddenly , the porch and the bushes around the porch were over run with butterflies . I knew she had found me , found us . That house had more butterfly action than I have ever seen in my life , to date . In April 2003 , I was going home for lunch , I was flipping radio stations , and I landed on an instrumental only station playing the same song my Grandadddy played on the piano after every single meal we ate . I thought of him all the way home . He was so hard to talk to , I always had to work my nerve up for conversation . But I called when I got home to check on him . He was fine , he said . He shouted , he could not hear well . One week later , he had a mild heart attack and fell in his driveway . The granddaddy who was the husband to my precious MaMa . Strange that I haven 't mentioned him until now , not really . We were never very close . He was a hard man to love sometimes and even harder to like . I never thought he liked me much , or anyone else for that matter . He tolerated me for my MaMa , I think he knew better . He was an acquired taste of a man . After the fall , my family had to place him in a nursing home . He was a very proud man . Had he known , had he been aware , he would not have been pleased . That someone had to dress him , bathe him and help him brush his teeth . I went to visit him prepared for nothing . To have no feeling , to have no hurt . He broke my heart . He wasn 't that same man who was so hard to talk to , he was a sad old man . The very first visit , I went with WD . My Granddaddy was in an open room with a TV playing . He was sitting in a wheelchair . I held a cup of water , while he tried to remember how to drink out of the straw . I walked away from that visit a changed person . It was so upsetting , that he was so much easier to love , when I wasn 't really sure he even really knew who I was anymore . At some point , on another one of the visits , when I brought my boys , I saw a glimmer of realization . If for only a minute , he knew us . He asked Zach how he was doing in school and called me sweetie when he kissed me on the cheek . The boys left " pieces " of them with him . Josh left a beanie hat and Zach left a little green John Deer Tractor . To keep us with him , we left him pieces to hold onto . My granddaddy passed July 2003 . I have to stop here , but I promise , the rest of this part of the story is beautiful and happy . I hope you come back tomorrow to read it . My son Josh has a friend Aliza . . they went to high school together . They see each other maybe 2 times a year . . and they are still close friends at 24 years old . He sees her when he comes home on holidays , if she is here , and she makes stop offs in Tuscaloosa on her way back from wherever she has been . She is in and out of school as she can afford it . She is working her way thru . Her goal , a wildlife veterinarian . Aliza is everything I think we all want to be . She 's a nomad . She has been everywhere . . alone . Just packs a bag and goes . Her next journey , which begins in days . . is Australia . Freaking Australia I tell you . Just packing 2 bags . . and will be gone a year . I cannot imagine . She stood here in my living room a few minutes ago ( her and Josh are headed the Imax to see Harry Potter in Tally ) and I was just in awe at her bravery , courage and self assurance . I asked her did she have a place , a job , a plan . . she said she was looking for jobs . . everything else was unplanned . . winging it ! I love that my son is of the generation who doesn 't think they have to get married and have 2 . 5 children by the time they are 30 years old . What exciting lives they all have ahead of them . . because we have raised them to be different . To explore . . to divide and conquer . Living life man . . . living life . Alright . . everybody . . . this is it . . . . my BLOG is here ! ! ! I hope you find this as entertaining as some of my posts . Don 't mind saying , I feel way out of my element . . but I want to do this like I 've never wanted to do anything else . . other than talk and write what I say . It won 't be fancy . . but it 'll be real . |
Posted on January 16 , 2016 by Eric _ Tolladay I started this story last year in August . It 's about a girl trapped in her small town ; trapped in ways that get deeper and darker as the story progresses . Since it 's a horror story my goal was to finish it in time for Halloween . I finished the story in September , but I wasn 't happy with it . It just didn 't click . My writing partner , Amy , made some very good suggestions , so I went back and rewrote it from scratch , changing the voice from third person to first ( because Clara likes to talk ) , and in the process lengthening it from 8k words to 18 . 5k . The second version is better in practically every way , but I 'm still not sure about it . Amy thinks I should open it uneven more and involve more characters ; stretch it out to the size of a movie or even a novel . I 'm not so sure . I wanted this to be short and sweet , or more like short and dark , but the story didn 't lend itself to that size a telling . For those that are family , you might recognize the town where Clara lives . Buzzard 's Roost was the town where George Tolladay was born . The town is long since gone , but the setting was perfect for my needs ; what better place is there for a horror story than a ghost town ? I had gone with some friends to see Pink . Somehow we 'd scored tickets right up front , and we were having the best time , laughing and singing along . Then out of the blue she called me up on stage to sing a duet with her , which is weird because everyone knows I can 't sing a note . She didn 't have an extra microphone so she gave me an axe , which was also weird . The axe worked but was kind of awkward because it had this heavy cord attached at the bottom of the handle . I had to hold it with both hands because the cord weighed so much . Every time I took a step I had to drag this cord after me , like I was dragging a heavy chain . We were singing was Just Give Me a Reason . At big part in the end we were standing in the middle of the stage with our backs turned away from the audience . She spun around to sing her part without a problem . When it was my turn I wasn 't so lucky . Somehow the microphone cord from the axe had crossed over my shoulder , so when I turned around the cord cut across my neck . Suddenly , I couldn 't breathe . I opened my mouth , but no air would come out . I tried to pull the cord away but the other end was stuck under a huge speaker . It was so embarrassing . The music kept playing , everyone was looking at me , expecting me to sing , and I couldn 't breathe , I couldn 't talk , couldn 't do anything . I should probably explain that the Beast is the name I use for my hair . I call it the Beast because it is long ; long as in long enough to sit on . But the Beast is thick ; thick like a wild thorn bush , thick like string , no thick like spaghetti . We 're talking thick thick . Sometimes I swear it 's so thick that there 's bird 's nests up there , or a bee hive , or something . People call me treetop because I 'm tall and skinny , but mostly because I have hair that is closer to foliage than fur . Its like it 's a tree up there or something . It 's weird . Definitely weird . Anyway Momma is always braiding the Beast . It 's the one thing I can do with it that doesn 't make it worse . It 's so thick that if I leave it unbraided for more than five minutes it will tangle . And the tangles the Beast makes are legendary . They get so large people would pay money to see them , at least that what my big brother Will says . Imagine the Gordian knot - you know that famous knot that Alexander The Great cut instead of untying like he was supposed to - only make the knot red and attach it to the head of a skinny girl . That 's how crazy they get . I keep asking Momma if I can cut the Beast but she always says the same thing . " But honey , your daddy likes your hair long . " And that 's the end of the argument . Anything Poppa likes , goes . My friends think Momma is that way because Poppa is in a wheelchair , like she 's all guilty or something . But I know Momma . She 's not guilty . She just loves Poppa . Really loves him . Like maybe loves him too much , loves him . My friends all think it 's sweet , but when you see it all the time it starts to look kind of creepy . So every night before I go to bed , and every morning after I wake up , Momma has to brush out the Beast . When she 's done she carefully braids it until I have two thick hunks of hair hanging from my head . She ties each braid down with three rubber bands - we 're talking the thick rubber bands they put around Sunday newspapers - and two long ribbons . Even then the Beast manages to escape , which is how I wake up every morning . Some strands will pull lose and the next thing I know they 're wrapped around my ear , or my elbow , or sometimes even my throat . Everyone in my family says the Beast has a life of its own . You better believe it . So my last normal day started out like it always does ; Momma called me down after my shower so she can do my hair . " Girl I swear , " she said to me while she 's pulling out a minor tangle . " You better marry a man who 's strong as an ox . No one else will have the strength to pull a brush through this hair . " Only today was slightly different . " Make sure to eat your breakfast early sweetie , " she said to me while she was tying the last braid . " Your Poppa has a doctor 's appointment in Red Bluff this morning , so I need you to walk your brother to school . " Charles is my little brother . He 's nice and all , and whip smart , but he always has his nose in a comic book and when he walks he gets all turned around . Poppa says , " Charles couldn 't find his way out of wet paper bag , " and he probably right . Poppa was already in his outdoor chair , and he was showered and changed , that meant Momma must have got up extra early to clean him before the rest of us got up . I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he said , " How 's my favorite girl , " which is his favorite joke . " Poppa , I 'm your only girl , " I said , and of course he laughed . He gave me a hug and I went into the kitchen to pour a bowl of cereal . Charles was already sitting at the table eating his sugar cereal and reading Captain Avenger or something . I said , " Hello , " when I came in the door but he didn 't look up . Will was like that in the morning . He sometimes wears a shirt that said , " Instant human . Just add coffee . " For him it 's true . So while Will was still taking his first sip I called out , " Momma , can Will take Charles instead ? " Mom called out from the front room where she was putting our backpacks together . " I 'm afraid he can 't dear . He has to pick up Eveline this morning . " " Okay , " I said starting to feel the old anger rise . It was always like this . Once Poppa has decided something , that was it . Case closed . There was no discussion . Unlike , say , a democracy where the people actually have a voice , we live in a dictatorship . I knew if I focused on it would only make me more angry , so instead I decided to do something positive . I ran up to my room to drop off my brush . My room is a typical teenager room . I have an old four - post bed , a dresser for my clothes , and a small desk ( which Momma calls a secretary ) to do my school work . I 'm a huge fan of Pink , so my desk is surrounded by photos of her . Above my desk running along the wall at eye level is a whole series Shaker pegs , each one about a foot apart from the next . Hanging on these pegs is my ribbon collection . It started with a pair for every day of the week , but grew larger when Momma discovered you could have custom ribbons made that said things like " State Champion : Spelling " . I had two pair of those , plus about a dozen more pair for winning the County and Northern State Regionals . Momma had them made every time I won . Blue for first , gold for second , red for third . There used to be a lot more red and gold ones , but I had to put them in a drawer to make enough room . Now there 's nothing up there but blue ribbons , except for the pair Momma got me when I won the state championship for a second time ; that pair is purple . Ribbons aren 't as nice as the trophies they give , but I can 't bring trophies home . Poppa wont allow them in the house . Even when Will set the state record for total passing yards last year Poppa made him leave his trophy at the school . Poppa 's weird that way . I took a moment to touch my favorite photo of Pink . It was taken at a concert in Frisco when she first started out , and no one knew her from Adam . Whenever I 'm angry at Poppa I like to look at it . It reminds me that everyone starts small and has to grow into their greatness . I may just be another girl from a small town , but someday I 'm going to be much , much bigger . I also like to rub the photo for luck . So far it 's worked . I took a few seconds to look at all my ribbons , picking out my favorites , remembering the words I spelled to win them . L - O - G - O - R - R - H - E - A or A - U - T - O - C - H - T - H - O - N - O - U - S . More than anything this helps me calm down . All that victory , all in one place , and all of it earned by me . No one can take that away from me . No matter what . Not even Poppa . It made me happy again to see them . Like walking onto a room full of friends . I took a deep breath to center myself , like they taught us in gym class , then I picked up my backpack and ran down the stairs . I hustled up my brother Charles , grabbed his things , and we headed out the door . It was a half mile from our front door to the highway , and then another quarter mile beyond it to the school . If we didn 't get moving we 'd both be late . When we left Will was still staring stupidly over a mug of coffee and Momma was fussing over Poppa 's hair . Not much else happened on my last normal day . The only thing that really stood out was after school . I was going though my locker picking out the books for homework when suddenly I noticed Eveline looking over the top of the door . " Hey Clara , " she said . I waited for her to say something else , but she didn 't . She didn 't walk away either . She just stood there with her arms across her chest looking really uncomfortable . That 's when I figured something was up . See Eveline was my brother Will 's girlfriend . They 'd been going out since last Easter . She was tall and pretty , and had beautiful short blonde hair . It was all straight without the least trace of a curl , which she often complained to me about when my bother wasn 't around . " I 'm so tired of my hair , " she would say . " Its got no body like yours . " I would have traded the Beast with her hair in a heartbeat . I saw Eveline often as she was always at our home . Poppa liked her , which wasn 't much of a surprise , even grown men like pretty girls . But Momma liked her too , which is more rare . She tended to sniff at Will 's girlfriends like she was looking for rotten meat in the trash . Even Charles liked her , and he hardly talked to anyone . But I liked Eveline because she was from out of town . She grew up in a little town north of Frisco , and went to The City often when she was young . Just hearing her stories let me know there was life outside of Buzzard 's Roost , which had to be the smallest town in the entire planet . But there was a problem . See she was a Senior and I was a Sophomore , and she was also dating the school 's quarterback , who was practically the most popular guy in town . So while at home we often talked or did our homework together , at school she barely noticed me . Not that I 'm complaining , I 'm just trying to make things clear . She was used to the rarified air reserved for the pretty and the popular . Girls like that don 't hang out with geeks like me . So seeing her stand over my open locker with her arms crossed and not saying anything , well it didn 't take a genius to realize something bad had happened on Mt . Olympus . I closed my locker and stood up with my books . Stepping closer I saw she looked like she was on the verge of tears . " C ' mon , " I said pulling her hand , taking her out of the corridor and back behind C building where nobody could see you . When we got out of sight she started to cry . I made encouraging words and patted her back until she eventuality stopped . When she was done I handed her a tissue , which I keep in my backpack along with everything else I might need . She blew her nose in a way that was truly outstanding , and then wadded up the tissue in her hand . I handed her another one so she could dab her eyes . Crying raises hell on eye make - up unless you buy the good stuff . So that was how I learned she had broken up with Will . Now not all of it was a surprise . I mean Eveline was a pretty girl and she got along with the other gods of high school , but underneath all that she was also really smart . I know because she helped me with my homework about as much as I helped her with hers . So while she was pretty sharp my brother just isn 't that way . I mean Will 's nice and all , it 's just he doesn 't go for all that intellectual stuff . Playing football and cutting down trees , these are the things he like to think about , and not much else . I figured Eveline would eventually grow tired of him , and I wasn 't disappointed . But what surprised me is what she told me next . It turns out Eveline had an older cousin who lived in a rent controlled apartment walking distance from San Francisco City College . The cousin was loosing a roommate so she was looking for someone else to move in . Over the last weekend Eveline had gone down to see the place and had fallen in love with it . She 'd come home convinced it was her big chance . " You have to see it , Clara . It 's so pretty , and the school is so close . " It was the most enthusiastic I had ever seen of her . Her eyes glowed as if was suddenly alive . She was electric . I stopped . I mean I literally stopped walking . I 'm not sure , but I think my head might have exploded for a moment . Maybe it was only a little explosion , but I felt something . " Oh Christ , " I said . " I mean I can , but I can 't . I mean I don 't know . I mean what am I going to tell my mom ? " " Whoa , " she said putting up her hands . " I know it 's a lot to take in , and you 'll have to get your GED and such . And you 'll have to convince your parents . But we don 't have to solve all that today . The important question right now is just this : Are you interested ? " The rest of that day was a bit of a blur . Eveline and I agreed we 'd keep our idea secret for now . I tried hard not to let my excitement show , but it 's hard to fool your parents . " Is something up ? " Momma asked at the dinner table . Will sat staring into his plate and not talking . He 'd been real quiet since he came home from practice . I was sitting across from him trying to keep my legs from shaking . I thought for a moment then gave her an excuse . " Oh , we had a pop quiz in history today . All about politics in the Roman Empire . " " Oh , you and your TV , " she said shaking a finger at him like she was angry . It was a scene that they played out at the dinner table almost every night . She turned to me . " Never mind what your Poppa has to say . That 's great , sweetie . " Later that night after Momma and I finished up dishes I saw Will trudge up the stairs as if the whole world was resting on his shoulders . He was taking this break - up pretty hard . A part of me felt sorry for him , but the other part was secretly thrilled . All I could think about was that apartment in Frisco and the whole wide world around it . Imagine an entire city of people who had never heard of Buzzard 's Roost ! I was woken up the next morning by the Beast . This time it was a clump of hair that had crossed my face and wrapped around my opposite ear . Every time I moved it pulled tight across my eye like a cobweb . Yuck . Then I remembered my conversation the day before with Eveline , and the apartment waiting for me in Frisco , and suddenly the Beast wasn 't so bad . " Nothing , " I said trying to sound casual . " I 'm just , you know , wondering . I figure eventually to go to college or something . After I graduate , " A flush came over her face . " Well , I … " She looked around the room as if there was an answer there for her . " I … guess I 'd have to think on it some . " " Thank you Momma , " I said patting her arm . " You just take your time . " I felt a flush come over my face . " Nothing like that Momma , " I said sounding more shocked than I wanted to . How could she think that about me ! She finished up the last braid and handed me my brush . " Now go on up and get yourself ready , " she said . " And wake your brother again for me . I swear that boy is gonna sleep through his own funeral . " Will 's bedroom is right next to mine , so after I put my brush away I went into his room . He 's decorated it in American Teenaged Male Disaster , which is my term for tossing everything in the room like it was the inside of a clothes dryer . " Hey , " I said giving his arm a shake . " Momma says it 's time to get up . " He sounded genuinely tired , like he had been up all night partying with his friends again . This was something I had no sympathy for . Self - induced pain is the stupidest kind , and you can quote me on that . Momma was mad , I could tell , but we were going to be late if we didn 't leave soon . Charles and I grabbed our backpacks and got in the car . Momma yelled up at Will one last time , and then she drove us to school . I was in math class when I found out something was wrong . Mrs Rolff had been putting some problems on the board when suddenly there was a strange noise in the room , a ringing . Everyone looked up . I don 't think any of us had heard it before . " What is that ? " people were asking . Mrs . Rolff started digging under a pile of old papers . After a moment she pulled up an old style phone . I didn 't know the classrooms even had them . " Room 7 , Mrs Rolff , " she said with a smile when she put the phone to her ear . Then her smile dropped to a frown . " Uh huh . Yes , okay , " she said . " I 'll send her right away . " Then she hung up . " Uh , you might want to take your things , " she added . When I was finished loading my backpack she said , " Don 't worry about homework for tonight , Clara . It 's not that important . " Everyone in the room laughed . I lead the room in completed homework assignments . It was a Friday afternoon and school was about to let out . There was an excitement in the air , even in the empty halls . You could tell . The game that night was against Whiskey Town , and everyone was gearing up for it . I walked into the office and there was all this bustle and energy . Everyone was moving and excited , everyone except Mrs . Tomkins , the school secretary . Her face was pale like she had seen a ghost . " Oh you poor thing , " she said by way of a greeting , getting up from her desk and giving me a hug . In my mind I was thinking What in the hell ! ! ! Then she said , " Your momma called . Your brother 's turned sick . " She gave a pause before continuing . " She needs you to pick up Charles on your way home . " I nodded wondering what all the fuss was about . I didn 't understand what was making Mrs . Tomkins act so funny . Then as I was making my way out the door I overheard Mrs . Tomkins whisper to Mr . Shane , “… that 's the second time , in the same family , " and suddenly it all clicked . They called Roost Specific Polio , or RSP for short . Some folks said it was caused by a virus , others said it came from a bacteria . When I read that trees communicated to each other via spores in their roots , I thought it might be caused by a fungus . There was even a psychologist in Red Bluff who claimed it was mass hysteria . Doctors were baffled . Specialists searched and searched . The disease seemed to leave no damage to the nerves or to the muscles , but once you caught it you never walked again . Never . By the time I picked up Charles at the Junior High , everyone in town knew . Sheriff Johnston gave us a ride up the hill , and when we made our way to the top of the bumpy road I saw that our parking area was already full of cars . The grieving had begun . The next few days went by in a blur for me . Practically everyone in town came by and dropped something off ; a few meals here , firewood there , that kind of thing . All of it was very helpful I suppose , but also it wasn 't helpful . I mean all that food wasn 't going to make my brother walk again , and more wood meant more work for me , since I was the one who had to do the splitting . It was all very nice , and very kind , and it just about drove me crazy . The worst ones were the folks who tried to cheer me up . They 'd say the most inane things like , " You know RSP isn 't a death sentence , " or " Your brother will be getting around just like his old self soon enough . " But none of them ever had to live with RSP in their family . They didn 't know the dark side . The times that Poppa was mean to Momma , especially when he started drinking . They way she sucked up to him no matter what he said or how mean he was . All the doctor 's visits and the crying , all the meals you have to cook and the washing . Having someone with RSP in your family was a lot like a having a two year - old . Only one that didn 't grow up . The other families with RSP were almost as bad . They 'd come over all cheery , but pretty soon they 'd be comparing notes , almost like they were bragging about who did the most extra work . And there was a whispering among those women , an expectation . Every time a girl would come over to the house their heads would turn , like they were waiting for something to happen . It was like they expected a third arm to grow out of her body . It was weird and also kind of creepy . But the weirdest part was when they talked about Eveline . I hadn 't seen Eveline since the day before this all happened . Her absence in our house was almost as bad as the well - wishers . Everyone kept asking me about her , wondering when she was going to come by . They 'd look at me as I was supposed to know . I guess I could have called her , but I don 't know what I would say . I mean she broke up with my brother . There was no going back on that . What did they expect of her ? To come over and visit anyway ? Wouldn 't that be a little weird ? And then there was the whole Frisco thing . I kept thinking about that apartment , about getting away . Every time I had to cook another meal or go and split some more wood I fantasied about what it would be like to live in a house where nobody expected me to work for them , and I could cut my hair any length I wanted . I had already looked up on the internet what I needed to get my GED . I met all the other requirements for the College . I might have to get a note from my parents because of my age , but I was pretty sure I could get Momma to sign one . I 'd just have to wait for a day when Poppa was at his therapy or something . But also I was afraid that if I talked to her , if I tried to tell her about what was going on with Will , that it would somehow burst the bubble , and she wouldn 't want me to go with her to Frisco anymore . I just couldn 't face that . So while I didn 't go out of my to avoid Eveline , I also didn 't go looking for her either . So days went by and she didn 't show up , then weeks . Finally one Saturday morning after about three weeks there was a quite knock on the door . I opened it to find Eveline standing there . She looked terrible , like she hadn 't slept in weeks . She was thin , her eyes were red - rimmed from crying , and she had dark spots under her eyes . When she saw me her face did this strange dance of emotions ; surprise , worry , a twisted smile of guilt , and then a wince of apology . All of this while the rest of her stood frozen to the spot . I understood in that moment all she had been going through . I put my arms around her in a hug , almost crushing the casserole she was holding in her hands , and then led her inside saying , " Hey everyone , look who showed up . " Momma got up and gave Eveline a big hug while I took her casserole to the deep freeze in the garage . I came back to find her sitting in the living room . My parents were talking softly with her , the television muted in the background . They were trying to sound casual , but I could tell they were tense . Poppa was saying , " Well , are you going to go up and see him ? " " But look at her , " Momma said to him . " The poor thing is obviously upset . " Then she turned to Eveline . " Maybe if you come back at a better time . " Momma stopped , her mouth still open , then she kind of fell in on herself . " Its probably best if you went up to see him now , " she said . Momma had turned to face Eveline , but her eyes stared down at her hands . I 'd seen Momma switch sides like this hundreds of times , but for some reason this time it seemed especially cruel . I wanted to intervene , but I didn 't know to say . Eveline was obviously in a fragile state , anyone could see that . But I was afraid anything I said would harm my chances for that apartment in Frisco , so I stayed silent . Under the pressure the poor girl finally relented . When she walked up the stairs she looked terrified , like she was going to her own hanging . I wanted to run up to her and tell her she didn 't have to go , but I was too chicken . Then she knocked on his door , and entered , closing the door behind her . After a long time Eveline came back out , only this time she was a different person . Oh she looked the same . Actually she looked better . She was smiling , and happy . But there was something wrong about her too , and I couldn 't quite put my finger on it . She joined us over supper , just like old times . Momma had baked Will 's favorite casserole , and helped me carry him downstairs so we could all sit around the table . Everyone was acting as if Eveline was now a part of the family . Like she and Will had never broken up . It was weird . Like she had gone up into that room a single girl and come back down Will 's girlfriend . Near the end of dinner Momma had asked Eveline if she wanted seconds on the casserole . Momma was just being polite , everyone knew Eveline didn 't like the dish . She 'd replied " No , " but then a strange look came over Will . " Of course you want some more , " he told her , using the exact same tone of voice Poppa used with Momma . " It 's my favorite . " " I do ? " Eveline said sounding confused . Then she looked over at Will like she had no control over her face . Like she was a robot or something . Momma was saying , " It 's okay honey , I was just kidding , " but Will interrupted her with a " No , Momma . You worked hard over this casserole . Eveline needs to appreciate it . " Then Eveline suddenly was all smiles again . " I 'd love some more casserole , " she said sounding cheery and holding up her plate . " After all , it is Will 's favorite . " Around 11 : 00 it was time for Eveline to go home . Momma was tired and Will wasn 't ever going to drive again , so I volunteered to walk her home . It was cool night , the air brisk , but not too cold . The roots that covered our driveway and pretty much every other place on that mountain , looked like writhing fingers on the road in the light of the bobbing flashlights . Eveline was full of excitement and energy , but also something else . Something I couldn 't understand , so finally at some point I plucked up the courage ask about her cousin 's apartment and ours plans for Frisco . " Well , obviously we 're going to have to give those up , " she said sounding very much like a teacher giving a lecture at school . " So everything you talked about , everything you said , sharing an apartment in Frisco , that was fantasy ? " I was pretty upset . I wouldn 't be surprised if I squeaked . We were now stopped outside of her house . The lights were off so we were trying to keep our voices down . The moon was mostly full and it gave everything around us a hazy glow . " Look , " she said with a little bit of sympathy to her voice . " Your brother needs me . You understand that don 't you ? I can 't go on like it was before . I have to make new plans . I have to plan with him now . " I left her there on her porch , not even waiting to make sure she made it inside . Momma would be mad if she found out , but I didn 't care . Had the whole town gone crazy ? I didn 't know what to think . I remember the walk back home because it seemed like those damn roots were trying to trip me at every step . God I hated Buzzard 's Roost right then . My one good chance of leaving this town had been spoiled by my brother and his stupid disease . I was so angry I think I stomped on every root in the road . I wanted an axe right then so I could chop down every damn tree I could find . By the time I got home , the anger had burnt itself out of my system . Walking up the drive I was surprised to see the kitchen light was on . Momma likes to turn in early , even on the weekends , so it was a shock to see her sitting up at the kitchen table . She had a cup of tea in front of her , and she had draped an old blanket around her shoulders for warmth , though it wasn 't very cold in the house . She was staring out the window , sitting perfectly still , which isn 't like her . Momma is always up and doing things . Seeing her not moving felt strange , wrong , like she had become a statue or something . I noticed the tea in front of her had grown cold . I said something to her , but she didn 't respond , so I walked up behind her to see what she was staring at . Looking out I noticed there was nothing to see . The light in the kitchen turned everything outside the window to black . All you could see in the glass was Momma 's reflection . Gazing at her reflection I noticed for the first time that Momma looked old . It was like the Momma I knew , the one I 'd always thought of as young and pretty , had been taken away , only to be replaced by a much older woman ; a woman with wrinkles and dark lines under her eyes . Here I had been all worried about myself and my future , and I had totally forgotten how hard these past few weeks must have been on her . To have her husband and then her son become disabled before her eyes , and she the only one doing the work of nursing them . I laid a gentle hand on her shoulder , soft as a sparrow landing on a branch . " Are you okay Momma ? " She gave a slight start , like I had interrupted her thinking . Slowly she looked up at my reflection in the glass and gave a weak smile . " It 's okay , pumpkin . Just tired , is all . Your father had a hard time going down tonight , carrying on like he does . " Which is what she said every time Poppa drank too much . Then she snuck one of her hands out from under the blanket to pat mine which was resting on her shoulder . " But thank you for thinking of me , " she said before she adjusted the blanket tighter around her shoulders . " Momma , I think you need some time away from here . Don 't you ? Get out , get vacation time on your own . You 're always waiting on Poppa hand and foot , and now you 're helping Will . Why don 't you go off with Carol and take that cruise like she 's always talking about ? Charles and I can take care of Poppa while your gone . I 'm sure we can get Aunt May to help , and Eveline will pitch in . " Momma shook her head , " You know I can 't do that , Pumpkin . I can 't leave your Poppa with someone else . He 'd only carry on worse than he does . " I knew what she was saying was a lie . I could feel it . But it was strange because I could also feel the uselessness of trying to convince her differently . Uncle Bob used to always say , " Things are the way they are . " I never really knew what he meant until just then . So I bent down and gave Momma a hug because I knew there was nothing else I could do for her . I held her tight and rubbed her back , like she used to do for me when I was small . It felt funny and good at the same time . Like I was trying to squeeze the love I felt for her , and all of my concern , trying to push all the good things into her and maybe drive out the bad . She rested her head on my shoulder , just for a second , and for that tiny moment I felt like I had given her a vacation . It made me wish I could do it all day . I started to let go of her , slowly like , when suddenly she clamped her hand onto my arm . I was so surprised I automatically tried to jerk back , but she held onto me with an iron grip . All the cleaning , all the times she helped Poppa out of bed , or out of his chair , or even all the times she helped him over the toilet ; all of that had made her hands real strong . When she held onto you , she held . I 'd been kneeling over her so we were close already . I looked into her face and all I saw there was a fierceness . It was strange , like Momma had become a wild beast . " Promise me , " she hissed her face all intense , " you 'll leave this town . Leave it and never come back . " " Uh , okay Momma , " I said , shocked at her sudden change . I almost never saw Momma mad , let alone angry like this . I didn 't know what had come over her , but it was scary . I was afraid if I didn 't say the right thing she might bite me . " I promise , " I managed to add . Then just like that she let go . It was like my words had flipped a switch . Suddenly she was back to her same old self . I backed away slowly , not sure what else to expect . She turned to look out the window , staring into the dark as if nothing had happened . I turned off the light , leaving her sitting in the dark , and made my way quietly upstairs , making sure to miss the two steps that creaked . Then I climbed into bed and curled into a ball until the sheets got warm . By that point I was so freaked out , after a day full of things to freak out about , that I really didn 't know what to feel . I fell asleep almost instantly , but I did not dream . I got up early the next morning . For once the Beast didn 't wake me , my own worries did . I dressed quietly and put an old scarf around my head . Outside it was so cool you could feel the kiss of the coming winter . The air was crisp , and the ever present roots on the ground were starting to get stiff like they were preparing for the coming blanket of snow . The Jenkins ' had been kind enough to drop off a cord of wood , when they found out about Will . They 'd dumped it up behind the old barn near where the splitting log was . Will used to be our log splitter - Momma not having the time and Poppa not being able to stand - but now that he was sick someone else had to do the work . I 'd always liked the feel of swinging an axe . Don 't ask me why . There 's something about the smashing of big logs into fireplace - sized pieces that is deeply satisfying . I know everybody else thinks it 's not a girl thing , but who do you think splits the wood for window Johnston and Martha Fields ? As Momma would say , " That wood ain 't gonna split itself . " A lot had happened in the past few weeks that I didn 't understand . What had happened to Will ? Why had Eveline changed her mind ? Why did Momma freak out like she did last night ? I felt like I was about to take a midterm test for a class I 'd never signed up for , and had never learned its name . I didn 't even know what I was supposed to study . So I put on some gloves , picked up the heavy splitting axe , and started working on the pile . Momma came and got me around 8 : 00 . That 's when we had our breakfast . I 'd made the start on a pretty good pile by then . When we finished eating I did the dishes , and showered off the sweat I 'd just earned . Then I started in on my homework . English was boring so I finished it first - some essay on a book we 'd just read - but my math homework was giving me fits . The book was looking like it was written in Egyptian or something . The formulas were just not making sense at first . I was used to that . Usually I found if I just kept plugging away at a problem eventually I 'd find a way to understand it . That , or I 'd look online . Unfortunately our internet connection was buggy that morning , the videos kept taking hours to download . I was about to go see if Charles was hogging up our connection - he liked to read online comics and that meant huge downloads - when I heard a car drive up . I looked out my window to see two of Will 's friends , Jack and Dan , get out . Jack was the funny one , always telling jokes and goofing off . In looks he was the exact opposite of Will . He was dark and lean compared to my brother 's fair and thick . He was always ready with a story or another tall tale , and his eyes always shined in the telling . He played wide receiver with the same carefree grace that he told stories , slipping and sliding between defenders effortlessly staying one step ahead . Will 's other friend , Dan was everything Jack was not . He was short , broad , and fair . If Jack was like a dancer skipping around the tackles , Dan was like a bulldozer crashing through the middle . He was less fast than fearless , and tended to solve problems by plowing into them head first . Will used to say that on running plays he would hand Dan the ball , and hope the other team was smart enough not to get in his way . Sunday was the only day the team didn 't practice . It was their one day to sit back , relax , and not have to worry about football . So what did they do ? They came over to our house to talk about football , because apparently if you can 't do football at least you can talk about it . Boy logic , go figure . The three of them had been doing this little ritual since about forever , sitting in Will 's room watching the Niners on Will 's little TV , and basically talking crap . You know , like boys do . At least they didn 't let Will 's RSP keep them from a perfectly good male bonding ritual . That was something to appreciate . Jack and Dan may act like hicks , pretty much like everybody else in town , but they were good friends to Will , and I appreciated that . The sound of their voices rushed into the house long before they did , and it proceeded them up the stairs and past my open door into the mess that Will called his room . Momma had taken Poppa to a new church over in Redding , and Charles was in the living room quietly reading his comics . The house had felt wonderfully alone and peaceful until the boys had come . Now with all their noise and energy it felt both annoying and exciting at the same time . I set a piece of scratch paper in my math book to mark my place and closed it with a slap of frustration . Outside my window the color of the sky looked cool and tired , like someone had bled all the summer out of the sun , and it needed a vacation in Florida to recover . It was Will 's voice that I heard first . " Someone at lunch said you were going to The House . " He didn 't have to explain what The House was . Only the old witch house was called The House . " Sure . Look we 've all heard stories about the place . Every Halloween we used to dare each other to run up and knock on its door . Do you remember that ? " There was quiet for a bit . I could tell Dan was shrugging his shoulders , using his silence to dare you to challenge him . Will broke the quite first . " Was it scary ? " he asked sounding much younger than his 17 years . There was more silence , then Dan said something just loud enough that I had to strain to hear him , " Maybe . " " Really ? " Jack said . I could hear the respect in his tone . " You went up and knocked on the door ? What 'd you do after ? Run right back ? " All three of them laughed . Then the room went quiet again . Normally I don 't like to pry , but for some reason I found myself leaning against the wall so I could hear them better . They all laughed at that , and then the room fell silent again . The boys voices had been bright and loud when they had come in the house , but now they were low and private . I had to lean forward to hear better . " So what else ? " Dan asked . " Yeah , but it 's a special kind of gift . Every story I 've heard says the same thing . The gift has got to be rare , it has to be important , and it has to be something you 've earned . " " What ? " Dan said again , but Jack reacted differently . " Oh , " he said in a knowing way . " What ? " Dan asked again , this time sounding exasperated . He uses that word a lot , I thought . I heard a large huff of exasperation , and after that uncomfortable silence . Then outside there came the sound of a truck coming up the drive . It was Momma and Poppa back from church . Apparently the boys heard them too . I heard Dan and Jack start to stir . There was talk about lunch and needing to go home . I could hear them pacing by the creak of the floorboards . By the time they were coming down the hall , I sitting back in my seat and had my math book open again . I heard Jack and Dan start down the stairs , but something about the sound of their feet tugged at me . When I looked out my door I saw the reason . Dan had gone down the stairs , but Jack was standing in my doorway leaning against the frame . " Hey , " he said when he saw me notice him . " How 's it going ? " " Good , " I said guardedly , not quite sure what he was doing . I was used to being treated like a little sister , especially by one of Will 's friends . I didn 't know what to say when one of them treated me like a regular human being . It was awkward . " Working on our Algebra homework ? " he asked nodding towards the book . Jack looked down the stairs . We could hear Dan stomping around down below . He must be in a dark mood . " You coming ? " Dan called up . If you think of Buzzard 's Roost as a giant bowl , then our house sits up on the rim . We 're on the West shoulder of Speckerman Mountain , which is one of three mountains that overlooks the town . Down to the center of the bowl you can see where there used to be a mill pond . South of the pond , where the supermarket sits now , used to be the main building where they rough - cut the logs before shipping them by wagon down to the valley . The pond got smaller and smaller until 10 years ago they finally filled it with dirt for a development . I remember skating there in the winter , back when I was small . Now there 's a few new houses , and a bunch of unfinished concrete slabs to mark the spot . Progress . The only better view of the town is a little further up Speckerman Mountain on its eastern slope . There 's a pocket up there on a ridge that is protected from the weather yet has a spectacular view on all sides . It was on this site , back when Buzzard 's Roost was just a spot to gather lumber , that the company 's foreman , Christopher Evans , decided to build his home . Unfortunately for him , his fortune was tied to that of the lumber company . When the company went out of business during the great depression Christopher Evans lost it all . He packed up everything he owned , or so rumor goes , and headed south for Sacramento , leaving behind the one thing he could not move , his grand two - story Victorian home . Today we call it the old witch house . The only other thing of note in our little town is a strange grove of trees endemic to this area . They 're called Squaw pine , or the Squaw - Hair pine , so named because their dark roots - which grow everywhere and are constantly underfoot - were thought to resemble the hair of the Native Americans women . At least that 's what the early lumberjacks liked to think . This particular type of pine tree grows only around this town and nowhere else , which has made for some pretty big fights . The environmentalists want to use the Squaw Pine to declare our little bowl a National park , and the loggers want to continue to pull out as much timber out if it as they can , for as long as possible . Naturally these things make their way into our culture by the stories we tell . A tree with unusual roots becomes part of an " indian curse , " complete with stories of and ancient indian burial ground and promises of vengeful spirits from the dead . An abandoned house becomes the lair of a witch , who not only has magical powers , but is also acts as a quest for local men to test their bravery . All you need is a sword stuck in a stone or a magical armoire to complete the picture . Why we humans need to turn ordinary things into fantastical ones I 'll never know . I remember my dad saying he used to be able to see the old witch house from here , back when he was a boy . When I look that direction now all I see are trees and sky . Yet growing up there was always stories about the place . The witch would come down , they 'd say , to take away children who are bad . Why do adults make up stories like that ? When I was a little girl I was sure the old witch was gonna get me in my sleep . It used to scare me so much that I would go to sleep with a double blanket over my bed , and had Momma tuck it in super tight . I couldn 't sleep if even one part of it was pulled out . Like a tight blanket was going to keep me from her claws . One time when I woke up with the Beast wrapped around my neck , I thought the witch had a hold of me . I screamed so loud Momma said I woke up the neighbors half a mile away . She was so furious I thought for sure she was going to cut my hair after that . But Poppa said no , and that was that . So when I hear stories like this I just want to scream , " C ' mon people ! It 's the twenty - first century for god 's sake ! We don 't have to believe in children 's stories any more ! ! ! " But I don 't ever say anything like that . For one thing , no one would listen ; I 'm just another teenaged girl living in the sticks . But also I have a problem in that I 'm way too shy . Momma says I need to work on that , the shyness that is . " How are going to find a nice man if you can 't speak your mind ? " she says . How do you respond to that ? I want to say , " How about if I don 't want a nice man , Momma ? What do you think about that ? What I want is to get as far away from here as possible . Far , far away . I can find me a nice man , after I go to college . " Of course I don 't tell her that . I 'm far too chicken . But one of these days I 'm gonna . I swear . If I ever get out of here , that is . It was a week later when Jack came by after school . I was sitting at my desk writing a paper for English when I heard him step inside the front door and call out , " Hello Mrs . Barton . How are you ? " A few minutes later I heard his footsteps as he ran up the stairs . He stopped outside my door as if he was about to say something . I could see the tips of his cowboy boots out of the corner of my eye , but I forced myself to not look up . Since Will had become sick , Jack 's attempts at conversation with me at school kept starting up and dying like a fire that wouldn 't light . Rather than be bothered by it I started to feel sorry for the boy . Here he was , fearless on the football field , but still couldn 't figure out how to talk to a girl . Ignoring him was easier than showing pity , at least that 's what I told myself . After a brief wordless moment , Jack quietly slipped down the hall to Will 's room where he was finally able to loosen his tongue . I was so focused on my paper that I lost track of how long the two boys chatted . Finally , when I was sure I had an essay good enough to turn in , I set my pen down and listened . Jack had started by pacing the room , telling football stories no doubt , loud enough for the neighbors to hear . Now though he must be perched on the side of Will 's bed . The bed kept creaking every time he shifted his weight . It was a sound I had grown up with as my brother had always been a restless sleeper . Now I sometimes woke up because he didn 't make any noise , if that makes any sense . I heard a creak and then Jack said softly with a voice used to calling across an open football field , " So you did it , didn 't you ? You dog . " Then I realized they were talking Eveline . She had taken to coming over at the house most afternoons . As Jack had said , she was indeed all happy and shit , trading in her talk of tattoos and college for marriage and kids . Everyone in town marveled at her transformation except for me . I liked the other Eveline better ; the one who smoked cigarettes and listened to punk rock , the one I was going to share an apartment with in Frisco . The new Eveline bothered me . She didn 't seem real . I think I was the only one in town who missed the old Eveline . Will mumbled something too soft for me to hear , but I did hear Jack 's reply . " Why not ? It worked for you . It worked for Mr . Hatchins . It worked for them others . Hell , it even worked for your daddy . " " Well … " Jack said , then there was a long pause as if he was picking his words carefully . " Lets just say come next week there 's a good chance you and I are going to be brothers . " Will was silent as he tried to work out Jack 's meaning , but I knew exactly what he meant . The words hit me like an icicle hammered into my heart . Suddenly the small hairs on the back of my neck started to rise , and I could hear the pounding of my heart in my ears . " Oh Pete 's okay . Not too bad . Not as good as you , though . I have to run a bit more to get under the ball . But otherwise he 's a good , you know , for the team and all . " Will said goodbye , and Jack started down the hall . Quickly I pulled my chair away from the wall and set it in front of my desk . Then I sat in it leaning over my text book as if I was engrossed in my homework . I heard Jack walk up to my door and stop . I thought he was going to say something but I couldn 't hear too well over the pounding of my heart . I tried very hard not to move . I wanted to scream and then run away so badly . It was hard to sit still . Jack stayed for only a second or two , though it seemed like forever , before he headed down the stairs . Once he was out the door I started to shake . After a minute I forced myself to get up and see if he had really left or not . From the faint light of the porch I watched him walk down the root covered driveway until he faded into the darkness . Only then did I feel myself start to calm . After a while my heart went back to something like a normal , and my breathing relaxed . Then I sat back down in my chair to think . What was it Jack had said to my brother ? " Why not ? It worked for you . " I 'd never much given thought to the stories about the old witch house . Small towns carried stories like dogs had fleas . But I was starting to see a pattern , a pattern that wasn 't just a story , but was part of something more . Will was easy enough to work out . He 'd gone to see the witch for the purpose of keeping Eveline . Judging by her sudden change of behavior I 'd say it worked . Poppa was something else . I knew my parents dated in High School . Over the mantel , centered in the mirror , was a photo of them back when they were the homecoming King and Queen . Momma looked so young and pretty in her cheerleader outfit . Poppa was tall and handsome in the old football gear . I remember my Uncle Ray once saying something about them breaking up . This was back when they were first married , well before Will was born . I don 't know what they had fought about , but I do know Momma had gotten mad enough to move back in with Grandma and Grandpa , and there was talk of a divorce . Obviously something had happened to make her change her mind . I didn 't know what it was , but I was pretty sure it happened right around the same time that Poppa got sick . Coincidence ? Lew Hatchins was another matter . He owned the hardware store downtown . I 'd been in his store countless times . It was one of the few stores still open on main street . It seemed like no matter how bad the economy got , people needed things from Hatchins Hardware . Lew 's son , Harvey , did most of the work now but you still saw Lew there in his wheelchair chatting with the customers . I knew Lew had RSP , like Poppa , but I had never connected them or the other victims of RSP together . Had they all gone to the witch house at midnight on the night of a new moon ? The idea seemed ridiculous , and yet I remember rumors that Hatchins Hardware was about to close , and that was right before he got sick . But … what Jack said about being Will 's brother - in - law , well that gave me the chills . I mean I didn 't mind Jack Parker . He 's reasonably good looking , and he is smart , at least smart for a small town . But he was also very much a small town boy , and I wanted more than that , so much more . Did he really think he could get me to change my mind by going to see the witch ? I could feel the chills go down my spine . Was I really going to be trapped here my whole life , forced to love a man I didn 't even like ? God ! That thought gave me the shakes . Best not to dwell on it . Instead I looked out through the darkness for the old witch house . Was that a light I saw ? No , it was just a distant leaf reflecting our porch light . It was quiet out in the woods . When I stared at the place I swear I could hear a sound , like someone faintly whispering in my ear . It creeped me out , so I got up and closed the window . Then downstairs I heard Momma called up , " Super 's on the table . " I came down the stairs and took my normal seat . Eveline was finishing up a plate to take up to Will 's room . I hadn 't heard her come up the drive , so she must have been down in the kitchen helping Momma while Jack was here . Sitting with my family , eating chicken straight from the oven , it was easy to forget all about the whispering . I could tell myself I was just being silly . But was I ? After the dishes were done , and everything was put away , I took a quick shower and then lay down on my bed to relax . The photos of Pink I had taped to the ceiling stared back at me . Pink who lives in a distant town with short hair and doesn 't have to worry a crazy witch ( which may or may not exist ) , or a boy who is trying to make her stay in her home town . Looking up I realized Pink was as far from me as Dorothy was from Kansas . I had opened my window again and the cold air on my legs and arms made me shiver . Then as I started drifting off to sleep I heard a faint sound . It was the whispering coming from the woods . I got up and closed the window , but in the dark I could hear the witch speaking and it scared me into stillness . I guess it 's fitting that I woke up the next day with the Beast tangled around my neck . Momma had to spend an extra 10 minutes getting out the knots so she could braid it . I gritted me teeth as she pulled and cursed , pulled and cursed . While she worked I closed my eyes and imagined her like a lion tamer stuck in a room full of lions with only a chair and a whip . " Crack . Get back you Beast or I 'll give you one on the snout . Crack . " The only good part of the day so far was my ribbons . Momma had picked my purple ones , the ones I got for winning the state spelling bee last year . Normally having them in my hair was enough to make me feel better , but not today . I don 't know if anything could make me feel better after what I heard last night . Since I hadn 't got much sleep last night , I was having a hard time staying focused in class . Twice I had teachers call on me and I didn 't know answer . That has never happened to me before . One time I didn 't even know what the teacher was talking about . It was like everyone had switched to speaking French in my world history class . In English , my teacher Mrs Franklin asked if I was okay . I could only duck my head and apologize . Fortunately it was a Friday and a game day , so the last third of school would be taken up with pep rallies and such so we could all show our school spirit . It was while I was waiting in line to go into the gym that it happened . Carl , Martha , Big Mattie , and a couple of others were standing around . We were waiting for the crowds to go in because we like to be the last ones in the gym . Don 't ask me why , its just kind of a thing we do . We 're like the unofficial geek squad , and besides eating lunch together its about the only thing we do together . Mattie was going on and on about me falling asleep in class today , but I was listening with half an ear , because , hello , I 'd fallen asleep in class today . So while everyone else was laughing I was zoning out . See right next to our gym is the trophy case . It 's full of all kinds of trophies . Big ones from winning state championships , and little ones for individual effort . It 's a familiar place for my family . The Barton name appears often inside . Its nice to look out and read your name , knowing your bother , your Poppa , or a distant cousin had done something extra special . So while they were joking around I stopped to look for the familiar trophies . That was when I noticed that Will 's trophy was missing . He got it last year . I remember when he won it because it had been such a big deal . It was for the most number of Passing Yards in a single season , or something like that . I remember it was a state record . Now the trophy was missing . I could tell because you could see the little clean square in the middle of the dust from were it used to sit . Right next to it was a matching trophy for the most number of Received Yards in a single season . That was Jack Parker 's trophy , my brother 's best friend and his favorite receiver . The two were such a matched set , or so the joke went , that they even made their trophies the same . Only Jack 's trophy was missing too . Way back when Will had first gotten sick I remember him talking with Jack and Dan about the witch . Jack had mentioned that you had to bring something to the witch to get your wish ; something valuable , something rare , and something earned . My brother had suggested , " A trophy . " Now that I was looking at the space where the trophy had been , correction , where both trophies had been , I felt goosebumps go down my back , and the hair on my neck started to rise . But I didn 't . Instead something weird happened to me . It was like all the stupid petty things of the town , all the dumb things they said to us girls , all the small ways they tried to make you stay ; it was like all of that stuff had built up and built up until it was a big ball of disappointment , and frustration , and anger . Most of all anger . All that stuff had built up into this huge ball . So when I noticed the missing trophies , and I knew what they meant - knew that my brother Will had hijacked Eveline 's life for his own selfish ends ; knew that my father had done the same to my mother ; knew that Jack Parker intended to do the same thing to me - when I understood all of those things , it was like that huge bubble had burst inside of me . And when it burst it left my mind perfectly clean and sharp , like a thousand pieces of glass . " Hey Carl , " I called out , not even bothering to look around . Carl was one of my geek friends . He was smart , and thin , and most importantly of all , carried with him this huge pocket knife which he kept incredibly sharp . At school everybody knew he had the knife , but no one said anything because they also knew he would never use it . Carl was also a pacifist . " Yeah , " he called back from the line . He looked around like he was worried we might be overheard . Even though everybody knew he had the knife , he still liked to pretend it was a secret . " Uh , yeah , " he said softly . " Why ? " " Awesome , " Martha Jones said , but the rest of the geeks went silent . Carl looked at me to see if I was kidding . My face was perfectly calm . I know because at that moment I felt absolutely nothing . " Okay , " he said , and he handed me his knife . On the way into school that morning I had been working out my odds of leaving this town . The math was starting to look grim . Real grim . Seeing Jack 's missing trophy , knowing that night there was going to be a new moon , and knowing first hand what the old witch was capable of doing , I figured if I didn 't do something for myself then , as in right now , than this time next week I 'd be washing the butt crack of a paraplegic boy and mooning over how pretty he was like a lovesick cow . And I would never , never , get out of Buzzard 's Roost . It was that last part that was totally unacceptable . So I figured the only way I could save myself was to head the enemy off at the pass . That is to go see the old witch myself , before Jack Parker did . I mean why should the guys get all the fun ? Besides I figured if Poppa and Will could ask for unending love , and if Lew Hatchins could keep the customers always coming to his store , then it should be a synch for a witch that powerful to give me a one - way ticket out of this town . All this I had worked out in my head , but truth me told I was too scared to do anything about it . I 'm not one of those girls known for acting out . But seeing the missing trophy did something to me . I don 't know what . Made me angry I think . But it also made everything crystal clear . Since it was a game day it meant everyone in school was at the rally . I had the halls to myself . Once I passed the corner of the gym the sounds of the band and the cheering started to fade until the loudest thing I heard was the sound of my own shoes echoing down the empty halls . Just as I was about to leave the school I noticed a huge paper banner put up along the corridor by the pep squad . Our football team , the Buzzards Roost Lumberjacks , were playing the Burney High Tigers that night , so the banners said things like " Cut Down the Tigers , " and " Timber ! " But the reason I stopped at this banner was because it had an axe in it . Someone had cleverly attached a full sized axe to the wall in the middle of the banner . I looked around to be sure the hall was empty , and then walked up to it to take a look . Sure enough it was held on with a couple of long wire ties . A few quick twists and it came free in my hands . On the backside was a Hatchins Hardware price tag . Well , it looks like I now owed the school $ 16 . 99 . I smiled as I put the axe over my shoulder . I gave it a pat and said , " You my friend are my insurance policy . " I figured I could always bring it back when I was done . I was even hoping I wouldn 't need it , but in the mean time I have to say it felt good to have it in my hands just then , familiar . The trail up to the top of Speckerman Mountain runs near the school . Before long I left the sounds of the rally and the town behind as I made my way deeper into the woods . I noticed the trail was in fairly decent shape . I could see lots of signs of human life . An old beer bottle here , and broken branch there . There were plenty of foot prints still visible in the dirt . The trail up the hill was a popular place for kids to go when they wanted to drink and get a little bit rowdy . As I climbed higher the trail narrowed and there was less trash and foot prints , until by the time I was near the top it looked almost like a game trail . Then it made a tight turn through some thick brush and emptied into a clearing . I 'd never been up here before in broad daylight , so the first thing I noticed was the lawn . At night the clearing had looked like a meadow , but in the day light I noticed there wasn 't any tall weeds , like a typical meadow , nor did I see any sign of a stream or a pond . It was all short grass . Exactly like a lawn . Across from me , right in the middle of the grass , stood a large two - story house . From a distance the house looked tall and impressive , but as I got closer I began to notice all the details . At one point it must have been surrounded by bushes or small trees . Over the years these trees , most of them Squaw Pines , had grown until they surrounded the house . Perhaps surrounded isn 't the right word . It was more like they invaded the house , and in many areas replaced it . Standing in front you didn 't see most of this as the porch was largely untouched by the trees . Out there all you saw was wood so dark and crusty with age that there was very little sign it had once been painted . But once you stepped through the opening for the front door the trees began to take over . Creeping past the door , I stepped into darkness . I thought at first the windows were covered by thick shades , until my eyes adjusted and I saw the windows had long ago been smashed . Branches from the trees outside had grown in through the broken glass working their way into the room blocking every window and covering the ceiling above in a fine mesh of branches . On the floor roots had grown in until they covered the old planks in a thick and twisty carpet . It felt weird stepping on the roots . They could support my weight easily enough , but walking on them felt like I was walking on someones fingers . Outside the woods had been full of noise - the swishing or the wind as it worked its way thought the branches , the harsh call of a scrub jay , or the dry crunching of pine needles underfoot . But inside the house the sound seemed to stop , like the forest was holding its breath . Then softly I heard a noise . It sounded like someone breathing , only it sounded wrong ; like rush of a thousand insects inhaling and exhaling , or the sound of a strong wind blowing through a distant pine forest . I couldn 't quite tell , but one thing was for sure : There was nothing about that sound that was the least bit human . I looked around the room and almost immediately noticed the pattern . There simply was no other way to describe how the roots and branches grew . If you looked up close they twisted around the floor and ceiling in a seemingly random way , but when you stepped back it was obvious they were all growing towards something . It was a simply a matter of seeing where they went . Following this pattern of roots and branches I moved slowly towards the center of the house . There the pattern lead upwards to an opening on the second floor . After a moments hesitation I started up the stairs , marveling at the branch covered photos I passed on the walls . Peering between the wicker lines I saw a photo of the house and how it must have looked 100 years ago . A family was standing in front . There were 7 or 8 people but age and the darkness of the hallway made them almost illegible . I could make out a single child who must have been a girl based upon the two thick braids that came out of her head , but that was about all I could see in the dim light . At the top of the stairs the house opened to a hall fronted by several rooms . A strange light filtered into the hall from a hole in the roof above . Down the hall I spied the outline of an ancient toilet with roots growing out of the bowl . Good thing I don 't have to pee , I thought to myself as I looked around . Only one of the rooms lay open . The others were covered by a thick pattern of tree limbs and roots . " Well , that makes it easy , " I said as I stepped towards the only open door . " I 'll take what 's behind door number one . " It came out more like a squeak , but at least I was speaking . Just before I entered the room I set the axe down , leaning it up against the wall . I figured there was no sense in trying to bargain with a witch if I was going to start the conversation with a threat . As I stepped through the door I could tell there was something different about the room . Unlike the rest of the house , there were several pieces of furniture in here . As my eyes adjusted I started to make out details . To my right was a dresser that looked to be hand carved out of pine . To my left was a grand canopy bed , like the kind I always wanted . Thick drapes hung down from the canopy and were decorated with an intricate pattern . They surrounded all of the bed except where they were drawn back for a single opening in its center . The window was full of thin branches that swirled and twisted around each other as if they were fighting to get in . Only tiny cracks of light made it past them , but it was enough to see that the window still had all of its glass . The window was slightly open at both the top and the bottom . This offered just enough room for the slenderest of branches . Even than the branches entered the room in droves as they flowed up the ceiling or down to the floor , merging with the branches that came out of the hall , circling the room in a crazy quilt of wicker . Strangely , in here the branches stayed small and light , keeping themselves right next to the surface . There were no stray branches hanging down , or roots rising up that they might trip an unsuspecting walker . In this room at least they remained in check . I heard a rustling sound from within the bed 's canopy so I stepped closer for a look . As I approached the bed I noticed the pattern on the thick drapes wasn 't an ancient tapestry of some sort , but the tiny inter - twinings of thousands upon thousands of small branches , all twisted and whirling together until they grew into a pattern that was beautiful and yet decidedly un - human . Tiny flowers of a color that looked to be cornflower blue grew here and there , and were so expertly woven into the fabric of the twigs that you almost couldn 't see them . On the bed I could make out what I had thought to be a rich blanket . It turned out to be woven out of the same tiny branches as the drapes . If I looked closely I could see where the branches for the blanket and the drapes curved up from the twigs on the floor , and down from those on the ceiling . I heard more rustling from within the bed , when I saw movement I stepped back , suddenly afraid . I had come here expecting to find an ancient woman , but whatever was in that bed wasn 't human . I was at that moment entirely and completely terrified . The rage I had felt that morning seemed a distant memory , and suddenly I was too afraid to move . I 'm quite sure I would have stood there mutely forever if it hadn 't been for my mother . She had relentlessly drilled politeness into us kids , and even in my terrified state I found myself automatically saying , " Sorry to bother you , ma ' am , but I was hoping to … hoping to … . " And that 's when my brain kicked in . How exactly does one approach a witch when they want to make a deal ? It 's not the kind of question one sees in books on manners . " You came here to bargain ? " the voice whispered in a thousand tiny swishes . The bed creaked . A shape moved out of the darkness and into the opening of the drapes . She was a woman , or she looked like one . That much I could make out in the gloom . Her face wasn 't just old , it was ancient . There wasn 't a square inch of her skin on it that wasn 't cracked with age . She was so wrinkled even the creases had creases . She wore what looked like a dress , but could easily have been more of the twig fabric that covered the canopy and the bed . It also was covered in tiny blue flowers . I couldn 't see much of her hands . The sleeves of her dress came down so low , but what I did glimpse looked more like twisted roots instead of fingers . Her eyes shown brightly , but were set so deep into her face that I couldn 't follow their movement . They could have been two colored marbles for all I could tell . But it was her hair that surprised me the most . Coming from her head where these strange twisted clumps of hair . I 'd only seen them on TV , but I knew what they were . They were dreadlocks . Each lock of hair was as thick as a man 's thumb and twisted in dark and light grey threads of hair , except when I looked closely they didn 't appear to he clumps of hair at all , but looked exactly like roots you see from the ever present Squaw Pine . The dreads grew up or down and eventually were lost to me to the dark of the back of the bed . I got the feeling they didn 't just hang there , but were attached to the twig fabric , or maybe I should say the twig fabric was attached to them . Tiny blue flowers were braided into her hair much in the same way Momma braided ribbons into mine . The old woman leaned forward and looked at me as I was looking at her . " Ah , " she said in that rustling voice , " it 's the clever girl . " It sounded not as much as a surprise , but as an affirmation . I noticed her mouth didn 't open when she spoke . The sound seemed to come from deeper in her chest . " Not from here . From the town . From this whole area . " I made a big sweeping gesture with my arms . " I want to leave Buzzard 's Roost , and not have to come back . Not for any reason . Do you understand ? " The skin around her eyes squeezed in as if in thought . " Hum , " she rustled to the sound of branches slithering and sliding , caught up by the meaning of my words . " An unusual request , but this can be done . What have you brought me as payment ? " I pulled outwards on one of my braids with one hand , while bringing the knife up under it with the other , laying the blade close to my head with the sharp edge facing up . Slowly I applied upwards pressure into the hair with the knife , being careful not to cut my ear . The blade was so close to my ear that the knife made a crunching sound as it cut through the hair . Almost as if The Beast was speaking to me like the witch . When the knife cleared the braid , I quickly switched to the other side . Another smooth pull and I soon had both braids in my hands . They were still largely held together by the purple ribbons . They may not be trophies , but they were the next best thing . Will wasn 't the only one in the family who was a state champion . I had been so focused on cutting off their braids that I hadn 't paid attention to the old woman . I looked up to see her mouth twisted into an " O " of surprise . Then she let out a keening wail that shook the entire house . " Noooo ! " In a flash a thin branch came out from the drapes and slapped my hand holding the Carl 's knife . I heard it clutter to the floor in a dark corner . As I watched , the thin branches of the carpet surrounded the knife and pulled it under . I felt a tickling on my feet and looked down to see tiny tendrils reaching up and wrapping around my shoes . I tried to lift a foot , but it was literally rooted in place . I tried my other foot and almost fell over . The carpet of twigs on the floor was alive now with waiving tendrils . If I fell down I was pretty sure I would never get back up . The front door slammed closed . I felt the vibrations carry through the twigs as much as I heard it . That crazy breathing sound I heard when I first came in the house became louder now and faster . The old woman looked at me , her eyes glowing with hatred . She appeared like she was about to tell me something , pronounce some grand fate . Somehow in my terror managed to find the strength to tear my feet up from the living carpet , and scramble out of the room , lifting my feet high over the grasping tendrils like I was running on hot coals . I stopped as soon as I entered the hall . The stairway which had been a large tube surrounded by thick branches was now closed off into a giant tangle of vines . Like they had dropped down from the ceiling into some crazy kind of security system . The hallway on either side of me was the same tangle . I looked back to the room I had come from . The carpet inside was alive with waiving tendrils . I looked down and noticed they stopped right at the doorway . Then I noticed the thin vines holding the tendrils in the bedroom lead out to thicker vines in the hall . The axe still rested where I had leaned it against the wall , so I picked it up and took a hard swing at one of the thicker vines on the floor . When the axe bit into the root the old woman let out a scream . I quickly cut the remaining vines on the floor , noting that the tendrils in the room they supported drooped and fell soon afterwords . Looking up I saw a couple of similar vines feeding up through the top of the door to the ceiling . I stepped into the room just enough , and by flipping the edge of the axe around was able to awkwardly chop the upper vines . Only then did I fully step into the room . In the quiet I noticed the old witch . She laid on her back on the bed , which now looked like a like a pile of dead vines and not the fancy bed I had first seen . I could hear her labored breathing as she lay there . Her lungs sounded dry and old , like an old leather bellows that leaked with every push and pull . She was breathing so hard her toothless gums , now black with age , had pulled back into a twisted grin revealing the world 's largest overbite . Her chest heaved up and down struggling with the effort , but was obviously not up to the task . I could see the color leaving her face . Her hands lay at her side clenched into fists . " You , " she hissed between gasps . " You ! " If she had more to say I never heard it . She looked so pitiful that I was tempted to use the axe to put her out of her misery , but when I raised it up all the small flowers on the bed shot out a jet of pollen that instantly caused me to go into a fit of sneezing . I left the room again barely able to see between the sneezing and my watery eyes . The hallway had opened some , and I could tell the roots or vines or whatever were no longer under her control . Still clutching my axe I crawled and sneezed my way down the stairs , dripping snot as I moved . I made my way across the living floor room and out the front door , which was now open again if only a crack . The light outside was blinding when I stepped onto the porch . I almost collapsed right then and there . The adrenaline from my fight with the witch had left my system and I felt tired and listless . Instead I forced myself down the steps , blocking the sun with my free hand , and quickly headed across the meadow towards the relative dark of the woods . I stopped only after I reached the far end of the clearing , past the meadow that was cut short like a lawn . There at the edge of the woods I took stock . I was covered in tiny branches and pieces of bark , my knees and elbows were scraped and scratched , snot still dripped down my nose from whatever it was the flowers had shot at me , and I was dirty from head to toe . Still I had faced the old witch in her lair , and I had lived to tell about it . I looked back at the house , which no longer looked menacing , just old and disheveled , and I let out a whoop that echoed through the trees . It felt really good so I let out another , then another . Then I opened my throat and yelled . " Take that you damn witch ! You 're not keeping me in this town ! " I gave one last whoop of joy , wondering if this is what my brother felt when he threw a touchdown . I felt like I had just scored a hundred touchdowns , a thousand ! This was so much better than winning spelling bees . It made me wonder if I should try out for the football team next year . Looking away from the house I could just make out the town below laid out before me in its large bowl . I instantly understood why Christopher Evans built his house here . It was a lot like the view from my window . Not quite as nice but pretty darn close . The sun was just starting to drop over the shoulder of Speckerman Mountain and the light from it gave everything a rosy tint . Down below lights were just starting to come on in the town even though up here it was still bathed in light . Silly as this might sound , it was beautiful . As I started down the trail I kept catching glimpses of Buzzard 's Roost through the trees . At one point I stopped at a stream to wash the worst of the dirt off my face and hands . By then my nose had stopped running and I was feeling pretty good , although very tired . All down the trail to the town seemed to reveal itself like a child playing peak - a - boo . I 'd go through a stretch of woods , round a corner , and there it would lay in all its splendor . Every step that brought me closer made me feel like I was one step closer to home . It was the town I always wanted , the place I always needed . By the time I reached the high school it was fully dark and I couldn 't think of a single reason why I should ever leave Buzzard 's Roost . The dark got deeper as I slowly climbed the long road to our house . As the light faded so did my energy . Each step away from my town was harder than the last , every time I turned away I felt like I was leaving behind my best friend . The last stretch of our driveway felt torturous . I was leaving my love of my life . I was never going to see it again . I was doomed to be torn away from it , forever alone . How I finally reached the house I 'll never know . The porch light was on and everyone inside was all excited . Will was on his feet , and everyone was helping Poppa take his first steps in 18 years . It was like the best party ever , only I couldn 't bare to look at them . The love of my life was right behind me and I was walking away from it . All I could do was trudge to the top of the stairs and enter my room . I immediately crossed to the window and threw it open , letting in the cool air . I gazed down upon my love , my life , and felt a deep , deep contentment . I heard someone enter the room behind me . It was Momma . " Honey , are you okay ? Your Poppa is standing ! " " But that 's just a story , pumpkin , and besides look at your clothes . Your arms and legs are all scratched . You look like you crawled through a bramble patch . " I had to smile at Momma 's description . It was a good metaphor for what I had done . " Bramble patch , " I said , " something like that . " Momma looked back at me with confusion and worry so plain on her face it was as if she had written the words there . I wanted to explain to her about metaphor , but a strange fatigue came over me . A tiredness like I 've never felt before . It was like all of my bones had suddenly decided they were going to turn to jello . Two thing happened after that : I slept and my hair grew . The sleeping was caused by " the waisting disease " which is the name they used for whatever it was I got . I spent most of my time in bed , eating just enough to stay alive , but not one bite more . I grew thiner and thiner , while The Beast grew longer and longer . At first Momma tried to brush the Beast and braid it like she used to do , but eventually it got so long and so difficult that even she had to give up . While I was sleeping the only thing that would wake me for sure was to block my view of the town out my window , or to attempt to cut my hair . Even entering the room with a pair of scissors would set me off . The Beast grew in piles and then in drifts like snow , until it fell off the bed , gathered on the floor , and then slipped through the floorboards into the house itself . While this happened , the house grew darker and darker . It had never been in great shape , and now with only casual care , it fell into disrepair . Our garden became a jungle , the forest reclaimed the barn and then most of the house . In the beginning I woke up maybe once a day , but after a while the intervals between waking grew longer and longer . Each time I opened my eyes more and more time would have passed . I slept for weeks at a time , then months , and finally even years . I slept though the school year , slept through Eveline moving to her cousin 's apartment in Frisco , I slept through my parent 's divorce and Momma moving out , slept through the worst of my dad 's drinking , and even slept through his funeral . I slept through the day Will moved out , and the day Charles finished high school . I slept through the day he left town to work for a gaming company in Sacramento . I slept though the countless nurses that came and went . Every time I woke it seemed a new one would be there . I got to the point where I could no longer remember their names . When I was awake I learned to quit asking what had happened outside while I slept . Each time I asked the outside world seemed more and more unreal , while my dreams became more and more real . Through all of this it was my dreams that kept me going . In my dreams I grew until I surrounded the lives of the people of my beloved town . I could see into their houses , look into their rooms . At first it was just a few homes , but slowly , inch by inch , the dream expanded until finally there wasn 't a house in the whole valley I didn 't know . Their worries were my worries . Their joys were my joys . I saw their lives , felt their pain , thrilled when they found new love , cried when someone died . My love became my life , my dreams became filled with their dreams , until there was no point that they and I were not linked . Then one night , on the night of a new moon , I dreamed of a desperate young man . A girl he loved had left him and he was frantic to get her back . At the darkest part of the night , while everyone else in my town was asleep , I felt him climb my hill , stepping on my many roots , until he entered my house . Then he climbed my stairs , and walked into my room . This entry was posted in Story , writing and tagged Buzzard 's Roost , female protagonist , Fiction , Horror , YA by Eric _ Tolladay . Bookmark the permalink . One thought on " The Clever Girl " Jamila Cocherell on January 22 , 2016 at 2 : 19 pm said : Hi ! , first time reader here . I really enjoyed your postpage . I found it to be really helpful . Keep up the awesome job ! I 'll be sure to tell my followers |
After Yellow Mountain we headed back to Shanghai to take our finals . They alright for the most part - definitely not easy but we were not too worried . Before heading back to the US I met my sister in Bangkok Thailand for my week long dream trip . We were only in Bangkok for one night and half a day before we hopped on a flight to Chiang Mai . In Chiang Mai I finally had the chance to touch a tiger ! ! It was my dream come true ! ! ! We went to Tiger Kingdom and bought a package to pet all of the tigers - the baby tigers and small , medium and large sized tigers . The babies were cute but were pretty lethargic . The small ones were pretty cool and we got to get pretty close to them and pet them . The medium ones were also quite amazing and definitely my favorite . I would not consider them " medium sized " though because they were huge ! ! ( As you can see from the pictures below . ) We got really close to the medium ones and even were able to lay our head on them which was pretty nuts ! I also got to rub their belly and they rolled over just like a puppy would - it was pretty funny . The large ones were definitely more active than all of the rest and were a bit scarier but still awesome . Because they were continuously moving around we were not able to get a lot of pictures with them but it was okay because we still got really close and were able to witness them playing in the water . It was such a crazy experience , here we were in an enclosure just walking around with about 10 huge tigers just strolling right next to us - soo crazy ! After we hung out with all of the tigers , Jen and I decided to try out the fish spa tank . These fish are famous to Asia and are supposed to nibble / suck off the dead skin on your body . This tank was for your feet , and I had wanted to try this since I had been in Asia but was too nervous / weirded out - everyone said that it was a must try though at some point . Jen and I agreed to try it here . It was sooo weird . I put my feet in first and instantly the little fish flocked to them . It didn 't hurt but tickled soooo much ! We both sat tensed , squealing every few seconds as the fish moved around our feet . We lasted for about 5 mins before we finally gave up because it was too weird . After the tigers and the fish spa we stopped at the long neck village ( total scam don 't go there ) . Its this villiage of people who wrap their necks with these wire things from a young age and stretch out their necks . Its really weird and creepy - we left pretty quickly haha . Once we got back to Chiang Mai we relaxed in our hotel for a bit before heading out to find a place to eat . We stumbled across this really pretty restaurant and decided to eat there . The food was decent - I had pad thai yummy my favorite ! But it was so humid that sitting outside for too long was annoying and made us kind of nauseous . The next day I had one of the coolest experiences of my life . We headed to Patara Elephant Farm to take care of an elephant for a day . This was so incredibly awesome . We were each given an elephant for the day and were responsible for feeding them , washing them , playing with them and taking care of them . I was given Bujien . The man in charge said that he was the wild and fun elephant and then proceeded to point to me and said that we seemed like we would be a great match . Bujien was huge . He was much much larger than any of the other elephants but I was not scared . Each person was given a poncho that was hand woven from a tribe that lived near by to wear over our clothing . They said that the trainers wear these every day and so the elephants see them and know that we are friends and not enemies and therefore they will trust us . We were also each assigned a local trainer who worked with the elephants daily so my guy and I headed up to meet Bujien and feed him some bananas . Bujien was so unbelievably cool and we definitely became friends right away . After we fed them some bananas and washed them off to keep them cool , they taught each of us how to get on our elephant . Elephants are trained one of two ways usually for helping a person onto them . One way is for the person to step on their foot , after which the elephant slowly brings it up , bending its leg so that you can climb ontop of them . The other way is by standing on their trunk ( in no way does this hurt them ) and they raise that up so you can scurry up their trunk onto their head . Bujien was trained both ways . The first time I got on him , I stepped on his food and he lifted me up - as you can see from the picture below . We then walked around a little learning some of the commands such as stop , right , left and go . After a while we began our trek through the jungle on our elephants . Bujien was a very chill elephant so he let me sit on top of his head while we rode ! It was really fun - kind of scary since I was so high off the ground and did not really have much to hold on to , but he kept me safe . This does not hurt the elephant because we are sitting on their heads or right behind their ears . The elephants get hurt when those horrible carts are put on their back - they actually break their back . The farm that we went to was all about the safety and health of the elephants and that was evident in everything they did . All of the employees loved the elephants and the elephants loved them in return . We rode for a while , joking with the trainers and enjoying the jungle scenery until we stopped for lunch . This was the best lunch I think I have EVER had . Jen , who is a picky eater even agreed . We had this fried chicken - which is famous to Thailand supposedly ( atleast that 's what Jen claims ) , rice with black beans , sweet / sticky rice , and tons of other little bites and fruit . Everything was so delicious ! I could not stop eating . It was nicely presented too ! The table was lined with banana leaves and all of the food was wrapped in banana leaves , this is because the elphants love banana leaves - so after we were all finished with our meals , the elephants were allowed to come over and clear off the table . It was pretty funny After lunch we continued to ride the elephants until we reached a small pond in which we bathed and played in the water with our elephants . This was so much fun . They filled their trunks with water and sprayed us and we scrubbed them down while sitting on their backs . Finally , after about 30 mins of splashing around with the elephants , it was time to say goodbye to them and head out to another part of the farm where the babies were raised . On the way up the hill to the car , Bujien picked me up with his tusks and carried me all the way up the hill . It was pretty awesome . I gave him a big hug goodbye and thanked my trainer for helping me throughout the day . We then piled into the car and headed to see the babies . This was pretty cool . The photographer who was with us all day said that he was in charge of raising the babies and taking care of the mothers when they were pregnant . He showed us one of the babies and its mother and explained that the baby had developed an infatuation with him . He said that when the baby was born he spent the nights with him and the mother taking care of them and watching over them , and so the baby became very fond of him . It was adorable , everywhere this guy went the baby followed , and when the guy sat down , the baby elephant tried to sit in his lap . It was hilarious ( you can see him trying to do that in the picture of Jen with the baby elephant - notice the hat and the extra pair of feet ) ! After playing with the baby elephant for a while Jen and I headed back to Chiang Mai . We spent the evening walking around the large outdoor night market checking out all of the cool little gifts we could bring home for people . We bought a few little things for our friends and family at home , and some stuff for us before we decided it was way too hot and humid and headed back to our fancy modern hotel ( The D2 hotel ) to grab a quick bite and drink at the bar before going to bed . The next day we headed to the airport to fly to Krabi to spend the next few days at a resort . Our hotel , The Amari Vogue Hotel in krabi , was absolutely beautiful ( nice find mom ! ) . Because this was the off - season it was empty which was great . They had a private beach and the most gorgeous pool I have ever seen - photos below . They also had three different restaurants , a Thai one , an Italian one on the beach , and a casual one by the pool that had sandwiches and a little bit of everything . Jen and I ate at every restaurant throughout our stay . The hotel was very secluded so we only left once to go into the town of Krabi - the hotel offered a free shuttle every day . When we went downtown we walked around looking for places that plan day trips . We were looking to either deep water solo ( rock climbing without ropes above the water so that when you fall you just fall into the water ) or a kayaking trip . The companies explained that because it was the start of the wet season , it was not safe to deep water solo so no companies were going to go out . We settled on a kayak trip through some caves near Krabi . We still had some time to kill before our shuttle came to take us back to the hotel so we decided to walk down to a beachfront restaurant for some snacks and a drink . The next day we went on the kayaking trip . The people who led this trip were very funny and continuously made jokes throughout the day . It was an interesting trip but nothing amazing . The caves were definitely cool and the scenery was beautiful but I wouldn 't have been devastated if we did not do this - but because of the rainy season coming we did not have many options . We did the half day - which was definitely the right choice ! I would not recommend doing a full day trip for something like this . After Krabi we headed back to Bangkok for our last night in Thailand . We went to a very nice restaurant with an amazing view of the city ( thanks dad - for the suggestion and for the dinner ! ) . It was a rooftop restaurant , but midway through our meal a storm began moving towards us so the restaurant had everyone move down one floor to their other restaurant that was indoors ( still had a great view but it wasn 't open air ) . The food was good but obviously we were paying for the view . After dinner we walked back to the hotel , taking in some of the city , and went to bed . The next day we walked around some of the markets looking for some tank tops for our friends back home and did a tour of the floating markets . Although it was very touristy it was a cool to experience . I would suggest it as something to do if you have an extra day in Bangkok and don 't really have anything planned , but I would not necessarily go out of your way to see them . They are kind of dirty and they have the same things that you can find at any of the other markets in thailand . And as always negotiate with the people because they will always give you a better price than when they first talk to you . Posted on December 20 , 2013 by traver0 Reply Hey there followers . Sorry I abandoned you before finishing the blog . I have been so busy since I have been back in the States and I have not had time to finish documenting my adventures . Tiger Leaping Gorge was my last big trip in China before I left . We did however take one last smaller trip to Huangshan ( Yellow Mountain ) before our finals . Adam , John Swinford , Bryan , Liz , and I decided last minute that we had do go since it was on our " places we must see " list and we had one free weekend before finals began . Everyone we had talked to had said that Huangshan was the most beautiful mountain of all , and that it was a must see for anyone in or around Shanghai so we were pretty pumped to visit it . Liz was meeting her parents in Beijing that weekend so her plan was to stay with us for one night , hike part of the mountain and then leave and fly out of the Huangshan airport , while the rest of us continued to hike and spend the night on the top of the mountain . So after a 7 hour bus ride to the town of Huangshan , and wandering around the streets looking for our hostel , we finally arrived . This was probably the nicest hostel we have stayed in - it must have been brand new because everything was so clean and nice . Our bathroom was artistically tiled and had one of those modern sink bowls in it which was pretty cool , and the beds had new REAL mattresses for once . They were thick and comfy , unlike the usual hostel mattresses that are like an inch thick and not the most comfortable things ever . So we were all quite excited ( after all of the trips we have been on , places we have stayed and complications we have faced it really doesn 't take much to please us ) . So we all got a pretty good night 's rest which was necessary before we began our hike up Huangshan . Learning from previous mistakes , we decided not to hike from the bottom of the mountain , and instead take one of the cable cars the majority of the way up . For this mountain in particular most of the trails and hiking areas were at the top anyways . The majority of the hiking part was across the mountain top rather than up it , so it would have been a waste of time to start at the bottom ( plus Liz , Bryan and I feared it would be like Emeishan and nobody wanted to do that again ! ) . The cable car ride was beautiful in itself . Everything was so lush and green . The mountains were very odd though , similar to the ones at Huashan ( the mountain with the plank walk ) - very rock like and jagged looking unlike the mountains at home or at Tiger Leaping Gorge . As we rode up the cable car , we ascended into the clouds . It was quite foggy at the top of the mountain but it was still beautiful . We wandered along the top of the mountain , stopping at various points to take pictures and enjoy the views of the vast mountain range . A few short and light showers occurred while we were walking around , but just as we pulled out our backpack covers and rain jackets it would stop every time . We kept teetering between being too hot and too cold , because it was right at that temperature where it was too warm to wear a jacket but too cool to be without one . Below is a photo of all of us at the top ( Of course we couldn 't take pictures without an Asian person asking to be in one with us ) and a photo of the type of terrain at Yellow Mountain . After a few hours , we decided to head to " Fairy Walking Bridge , " because we had heard that it was one of the coolest places to visit on the mountain . We had to say goodbye to Liz before we began hiking there because she had to get down the mountain and to the airport . So after wishing her a safe flight and a fun weekend with her parents , we headed off in the direction we believed this bridge was . Like many other trails in China , this mountain was horribly marked . We got lost a few times , but finally we made it to the right trail . On our way down to the bridge , we passed a spot marked as " The best view on Huashan , " so we walked over to the viewing area and looked out . The view was pretty spectacular , as you can see from the photos below . We took a few photos and then continued on our way . After hiking , what seemed to be all the way down the mountain , we finally arrived at the bridge . It was pretty cool . The boys said it should be named lord of the rings bridge because it supposedly looked like a bridge in one of the movies - I clearly didn 't remember those movies well enough to notice . We hung out by the bridge for a while , took some photos , and made friends with some Chinese hikers who were also there , before attempting to carry on our way down a trail that would eventually loop back to our hotel . Of course , that way was closed though ( or so our Chinese friends and the security guard told us ) so we ended up having to hike back up the millions of stairs we took to get down to the bridge . We all groaned at this news , but began the trek . It wasn 't nearly as bad as we expected and we made pretty good time back to where we started . We had the option of hiking to a different part of the mountain but we all decided that we were tired and would rather go back to the hotel to shower and eat and hopefully go to sleep early . The reason we planned to stay at this hotel was because it was the closest to the best viewing platforms to watch the sunrise , which was supposed to be spectacular from this mountain . So we obviously were planning on waking up at 5 am to prepare ourselves and find a good spot on the mountain to see the sunrise , which meant we should probably get to bed early . So we headed back to the hotel , took showers and chilled in our rooms for a bit . We finally got up and decided to look for dinner . When we looked outside we realized that it was drizzling and very gloomy . Not good . We checked out our hotels restaurant but decided it was way too expensive , so we went to a different hotel a few mins away . There menu was still expensive but more reasonable than ours , so we decided to stay there . We all ordered noodle bowls and some rice , because the bowls pictured in there menu looked very small . They were definitely not small . My bowl was bigger than my face , but I was hungry so I did not mind . It hit the spot ! It was warm and had enough spice to give it good flavor . Definitely not the best noodle bowl I have had , but it got the job done . By the time we had finished dinner it had begun to pour outside . We all stood at the doorway looking out with hopes that the rain would let up so we could walk back to our hotel . Finally , we decided that the rain was definitely not getting any lighter so we would just sprint back to our hotel . We made it back soaking wet and surprisingly with none of us slipping and falling on our faces . We then looked around for a table to sit at and play cards or something , but the hotel lobby was packed , so we decided to just go back to our rooms and hang out / go to sleep . We made a plan to wake up at around 5 am and see how the weather was . If it looked bad we would go back to sleep , if there seemed to be a chance that it would be clear then we would bundle up and head out to one of the viewing platforms . Well my alarm went off at 5 am , and I begrudgingly rolled out of my warm bed and wandered into the hotel lobby to look out the doors . To no surprise , it was still raining and you could barely see 5 feet in front of the hotel because of the fog . I immediately went back to my bed and texted the boys to tell them there was no way we would see the sunrise and that we should just go back to sleep and meet in the lobby around 8 am . Clearly Bryan and I don 't have the best of luck with mountains and fog ( remember the top of Emeishan ? ) . So we all went back to sleep and met up around 8am in the hotel lobby . It was quickly decided that none of us wanted anything more than to get off the top of the mountain . So this posed the question of what to do for the rest of the day . Luckily we had wifi and iphones to do some research . We stumbled across an advertisement for the Huashan Hot Springs - a relaxing spa with a beautiful view of the mountain . To my surprise , the boys were all about this ! So we headed to the nearest cable car and rode down to the base of the mountain where we purchased bus tickets to drive us to the hot springs . It was misting at the base of the mountain but not raining , luckily for us , so the hot springs would be great . We got to the hot springs around 10 am , but they told us to wait in the lobby for about 30 mins because the springs would not be ready until around 10 : 30 . These are not typical hot springs like ones that pool naturally in rocks ; no they just pump the water from the hot springs into individual tiled pools all throughout the grounds of this place like jacuzzis . Each hot spring was infused with a different thing ( such as green tea , chrysanthemums , coconut milk , vitamin C , coffee etc ) that helped to either detoxify or nourish different parts of your body in different ways . This is a view of one of the springs . As you can see the place itself was absolutely beautiful . Below is a picture of one of the springs you could relax in and the description of its health benefits . After a few hours relaxing in the hot springs , we showered and got ready to head back to Shanghai . After a very long bus ride due to tons of unexpected traffic and the long metro ride from the bus station we finally made it back to school . Like all of our trips , I would consider this a successful one - interesting and different as always ! Although , if you only had enough time to pick a few trips , I would definitely suggest some of the other trips over this one . If you have the time and money to spend on travel , some of the trips discussed previously in this blog were definitely better . That being said , I still enjoyed this trip and it was a relatively easy and cheap sight which is exactly what we wanted for our last weekend trip . It also meant that we were able to check off pretty much every " place to see " on our list . There were only a few missing for me , but there were so many amazing things I did that were not even on my list and should have been ( like all of Vietnam for instance ) so I don 't feel bad about it . Anyways , stay posted for my final blog post ( sad I know ) . I promise to wrap it up soon so you can have some closure ( and so my mother stops bugging me about it haha ) . Posted on May 18 , 2013 by traver0 Reply To our surprise the bus was not nearly as bad as we though . There were 3 rows of bunk beds and luckily we all were next to eachother on the top row . I was near one window , then John was in the middle , and Liz was at the other window . For the first few hours we listened to music , played 20 questions together and talked about our trip . After a while John and I began watching things on our iPads and Liz continued to listen to music and look at the scenery out of the window . We were driving though some gorgeous areas with some amazing views . Traveling by bus is great in that sense , you really get to see some amazing places you would never see unless you were driving through them . The beds were relatively comfortable and they provided us with blankets and pillows . Liz and my beds were slightly angled upwards around the hip area ( like a chaise lounge ) which was actually quite nice for when I was watching movies or reading books on my iPad . Around 10 pm we stopped at this place where we could eat dinner - Liz and I just ate rice and some vegetables because the rest of the food seemed pretty weird , and bought some water for the bus . Around 12am I took a sleep aid after which I slept on and off until around 6 : 30 am when we finally arrived in Kunming . The ride was way less horrible than expected and would definitely not complain if I had to do it again . The only complaint was that we all felt dirty and wanted to shower after the bus ride , but were unable to since we were only in Kunming for a few hours before heading to the airport to fly back to Shanghai . We decided to visit the Kunming rock forest , because we had read a lot about it and it was supposed to be pretty cool . We had a few hours to kill anyways so we figured that would be the way to do it . We bought a bus ticket out to the rock park , and the entrance to the rock park was pretty expensive . I was already in some what of a bad mood because I had not gotten a great nights sleep before and it was extremely hot , so having to pay too much money for a rock park just worsened my mood a bit . We all paid anyways and had about an hour or two to walk around the park before we had to head back into the city to catch our flight . We all agreed that this place was a good place to go if you had time to kill but it was definitely not something that was necessary to see . It was cool , but it really wasn 't anything amazing . It was really touristy and it kind of felt like we were at a zoo , which gave off the atmosphere that it wasn 't real , even though it was . Anyways , you can get the idea of what the park was like from my photos below . Posted on May 18 , 2013 by traver0 Reply We woke up early this morning to get a head start on the hike down to the gorge . We ate some breakfast first , some pancakes ( more like crepes ) with fresh fruit and sugar , before heading out . It was not a long hike to Tina 's hostel ( where the paths down to the gorge began ) , we definitely overestimated how long it would take . It probably took us around an hour / hour and a half to get there from our hostel . The view was continuously beautiful from the trail . We passed a waterfall that ran right through the trail , and hiked a portion surrounded by beautiful grassy hills , and grazing horses . It was different scenery from the hike the day before , but beautiful nonetheless . When we arrived at Tina 's we asked about our bags and the woman at the desk brought us to the room where they were being stored . We moved around some things in our bags and decided we would only take one persons backpack down to the gorge so we dumped the other 2 backpacks and headed out . There were supposedly 3 different paths to get down into the gorge but we took the first one we came across . It was 10 RMB to enter because the trail was maintained by the local people with no government help . The trail itself was a lot of rocky switchbacks that descended pretty quickly . We kept making remarks about how we really did not want to climb back up them after how horrible the switchbacks the day before were . At one point we came across this ginormous ladder that you had to climb down to continue descending to the gorge . It was pretty scary at first . I was the first person to go down it and as I was climbing over the edge I was a bit creeped out . It was the height of about 3 - 4 large ladders stacked together . After I had gone down almost half way , Liz started climbing down followed by John . We all made it down safely , and were happy the ladder was there because it cut the descent time almost in half . After about an hour of hiking , we made it down to the gorge . We had to pay another 10RMB here to go out on to the famous " Tiger Leaping Rock " but it was worth it because the area was gorgeous , and it was a great spot to take pictures . Before we reached the rock , we had to cross this long wooden plank bridge . It was scary because it was very wobbly and swayed a bunch when you walked on it . It was pretty cool though . The hike back up from the gorge was not nearly as bad as we expected . There were a lot of covered huts selling water and snacks and they would gladly let you rest there for a few mins even if you were not buying anything . We took a few stops but for the most part hiked up continuously . I don 't think it took more than an hour / hour and a half for us to make it back to Tina 's . It was very hot though and the trail had zero shade , so I was worried the whole time that my shoulders and face were getting sunburned . Once back at Tina 's we were all pretty tired and hungry so we hung out and ordered food because the next bus to Shangri - la was not for almost 3 hours . We ran into the people who had been staying at our Hostel the night before and they ate lunch with us and hung out until the bus came , because they too were trying to get to Shangri - la . Liz and I ended up taking naps on the couches in the lobby area of the hostel after lunch until the bus came . It was about a 3 hour bus ride from Tina 's to Shangri - la and for some reason Liz and I thought it was the most horrible bus ride we had ever been on . My seat was broken , and it kept falling backwards into the people who were sitting behind me . There was barely any room so they kept getting mad until I explained that there was nothing I could do and that my seat was broken . So every time we hit a bump and my seat would recline , the woman behind me would shove her knees into the back of my chair and push me back upwards . It was extremely obnoxious , this continued for almost the whole ride . Also Liz and I began feeling sick again on this bus ride , which sucked because we really had hoped that since because we had felt good all day , that our sickness had passed . By the time we finally got off the bus in Shangri - la we felt extremely nautious and really just wanted to find our hostel . After wandering around the old town of Shangri - la for about 30 mins we finally found someone who could tell us how to get to our hostel ( Tavern 47 ) . We walked into the hostel and were greeted by the friendliest man I think I have ever met . He told us not to worry about the whole check in procedure yet , and to just relax because he was sure we were tired . He led Liz and I into our room and we were instantly impressed by its charm . It was adorable and so cozy - exactly what we needed to make us feel better . The room had wood floors and wooden paneled walls . There were big comfy beds with fluffy blankets and pillows on them , and he explained that there were heated blankets on the beds as well because it often got cold in Shangri - la at night . There were cute Tibetan decorations on the walls and everything was very homey and nice . We had a private bathroom that was nicely tiled and was very clean . We could not be happier with this hostel ; It was definitely the nicest hostel I have ever stayed in and am so glad we chose to stay here . After we had showered and were comfortable , we headed back out into the lobby to find the owner of the hostel and complete our check in . He once again told us that we could relax and eat before dealing with the hassle of that , so we decided to sit down and look at the dinner menu . He came over and lit the fire place near us and sat down to chat with us . He was from Korea and 10 years ago he left to travel the world . Shangri - la was the 3rd stop on his world adventure . He said he met his wife here and fell madly in love with her and never wanted to leave . They opened up the hostel a few years after they were married and had a daughter and love what they do . He was extremely nice and pretty funny , and went out of his way to make us feel at home . Shangri - la is famed for having yak meat food items , and this place was written up as a hostel that had the best in the area , so when I saw yak tacos on the menu , I knew I had to try them . Thank God I did ! ! They were amazing and exactly what I wanted . His wife had sautéed pieces of yak meat with grilled onions and peppers , and served it to me with the most amazing homemade salsa - she would definitely give the Mexican restaurants back home in CA a run for their money . She also gave me some cheese , rice and 2 tortillas on the side . The whole meal was amazing and I scarfed it down in probably 5 mins . That probably was not the best idea I 've ever had seeing as I did not feel well and all , and I realized that at the time , but I did not care because it was so delicious . Liz and John both ordered the yak burgers because those were recommended and they said they too were good , although Liz definitely regretted eating it later because she got sick ( it definitely as not from the burger itself though , she was just still sick from whatever we had in Lijiang ) . After dinner , we paid and finished the whole check in progress and then Liz and I headed back into our room where we snuggled up in our heated blankets and complained and laughed about how badly our stomachs hurt , but how good the food was . John understood that we did not feel well so he did not push for us to go out and explore the city thankfully . He actually was extremely nice and offered in the morning to let us sleep in while he took our passports and money and went to buy the tickets we needed for the overnight bus from Shangri - la back to Kunming . We kept telling him that was not necessary but he finally just insisted and we handed over our passports and money . I slept amazingly that night , with the warmth of the blankets and the coziness of the bed , Liz on the other hand did not . She ended up getting throughout the night , but said that in the morning she felt much much better and we kept making jokes and puns about the yak meat she had eaten the night before … if you catch my drift . After John got back from buying the tickets we enjoyed a great breakfast and headed out for the famous Tibetan temple that was in town . It was pretty expensive to see , but I would definitely still recommend it . It was very interesting and unlike the temples we have seen in the rest of China because of the Tibetan influence . Check out the pictures below to get an idea of what it was like . After the temple we headed back to the hostel to hang out and grab lunch before getting on the 15 hour sleeper bus that we were all dreading . I actually ordered the yak fajitas one more time because I could not get enough of them and John ordered them too . Liz got Korean BBQ that smelled and looked delicious as well . Around 3 : 30 we said goodbye to our friend at the hostel and headed to the bus station . Posted on May 16 , 2013 by traver0 Reply We woke up around 6 : 45am to pack up our stuff and head down to the lobby of the hostel to grab a quick breakfast before our bus picked us up to take us to the entrance to Tiger Leaping Gorge . The guy downstairs at the hostel told us that the bus we were getting on would drive any extra bags we had to Tina 's hostel which is a hostel at the end of the 2 day hike . He said Tina 's would store the bags there for us until we got there and picked them up after our hike , which was awesome . We were told to keep our valuables on us though , so that did not allow us to get rid of a bunch of stuff but it was still helpful . We repacked our bags so that only 2 of us had full packs , and we gave John 's pack , with our extra clothes and other random things we would not need for the 2 days we were hiking , to the driver to take to Tina 's . There were about 10 people including us doing the 2 - day hike through the gorge , so we were all dropped off together by the side of the road to start the hike . At first I was not glad that we were all hiking together , because hiking with a big group could get annoying , but I soon was glad we had the company because we had no idea where we were supposed to go or what we were supposed to do . Luckily , a man with a mule for carrying peoples bags followed us for a while ( probably hoping one of us would want to use him at some point ) and continued to point us in the direction of where to go . The first part of the hike was horribly marked . There were a handful of places where the trail split but there were no signs . If the man was not following us there was no way we would be able to figure out where we were going , which was kind of frustrating . After a while though we got on the main trail and from that point on it was pretty obvious where to go . We were all so thankful that for once we were actually hiking - not china hiking , that we got over the lack of trail markers pretty quickly . There were no stairs , but actual dirt trails for once ! It was great . Not to mention the view of the mountains and the gorge was phenomenal . The mountain range was so vast and huge it mesmerized all of us . This was by far the most amazing view I have ever seen . The whole hike we were in awe . We hiked for about an hour before coming across a place that was perfect for some photos . As we pulled out our cameras , we were approached by an old Chinese woman who owned the hut that sold snacks at this spot . She had a piece of paper that had English writing on it . It said that in order to take photos at this spot you had to either pay her , or buy something at her hut . This was so stupid because obviously she did not own the view , but one of the people with us wanted a banana anyways so we paid her and were allowed to take photos on ONE of our cameras . So stupid , but whatever . The view was amazing and the pictures turned out great . We kept hiking for about another hour before coming to the first hostel . We stopped in here to grab a bite to eat . Liz and I had an order of eggplant and John had some fried rice . We sat at this hostel eating lunch with the rest of the people hiking for about an hour - which was ay too long . Right when we were about to leave , my stomach started feeling pretty weird and I instantly thought I was going to throw up . I walked around for a few mins , catching my breath and trying to calm my stomach down . John gave me some pepto to take and we were on our way . My stomach continued to feel funny the rest of the day , and at some points I felt so sick I would have to stop and squat into a little ball on the trail just to make the pain go away . This definitely was not idea , but I was not going to let getting sick ruin this amazing trip . The hike itself was not difficult until we hit the " 28 bends " . This was 2 + hours of extremely steep switchbacks ! It was horrible . It made me realize how completely out of shape I am ! Of course it didn 't help that I had 20 + lbs of weight on my back , but still it was so hard ! This was where most of the group got broken up . The 2 Australians and 2 Germans that were on the hike with us booked it up the switchbacks , while one of the other Australians and 2 girls from Israel dropped back and took their time . John , Liz , and I were moving pretty slowly but were keeping a relatively steady pace . We stopped a lot to catch our breath , and at one point I had to stop to get sick on the side of the trail . I hoped that I would feel better after that , and I did for about 20 mins , but then the sick feelings came back . After what seemed like FOREVER we finally made it to the top of the switchbacks and were rewarded with the most beautiful view of the gorge down below . It was literally breathtaking ! Again we were told that we had to pay this woman who 's hut was up here to take photos . And angrily we coughed up a few RMB so that we could take photos on a camera . Only one of us paid , and we argued that that meant that we could only use one camera , but she wanted any of us who were going to be in a photo to pay . It wasn 't expensive but it was the principle of it all , so we told her no way and that we would only take photos on one camera . We all went down to the photo spot and snapped some photos but when we were about to leave she approached Liz and I and tried to make us pay . Once again we motioned to the camera and tried to explain that we only took photos on one camera so we would not pay . She was not happy and we are pretty sure she put a curse on us because she started shouting in Chinese and then pointing to the mountain and us and making weird movements with her hands . We got a pretty good laugh out of that , and just shrugged and looked at each other and said " well , it looks like we might not make it off this mountain " and continued hiking . By around 4pm we were all exhausted and all of our muscles ached . I still felt horrible and just wanted to lie down . At one point I jokingly told Liz and John that they were going to have to leave me on the side of the trail to die because I just could not make it any further . We all laughed and said that it would definitely not be a bad place to die . The whole area was so amazingly beautiful . At one point we came to this huge rock that served as a great photo spot , so we stopped there to take some pictures and rest for a bit . We then pushed forward , not wanting it to get dark before we made it to the hostel that we were going to stay in for the night . At about 6 we finally made it to the half - way hostel . At this point I was in a lot of pain and my stomach was not happy , so I went to go sit on the wooden swinging bench in the center of the courtyard while Liz and John went to check in . While I was sitting on this bench , about 12 Chinese people came over and one by one sat down next to me and took photos with me . It was ridiculous ! I swear they must have taken 100 + pictures of me ! I looked and felt horrible and really just wanted them to leave me alone ! Finally John and Liz got the key to our room so we headed downstairs to check it out . It was incredible ! We had a little patio in front of our room and the room next to us that had the most incredible view of the mountains . People in American would pay hundreds of dollars for a room with a view like this , and we were paying about $ 10 a night for this place ! It was incredible . I laid down on the bench outside and just took in the view . Words can 't even describe how amazing the view was . After about an hour of just vegging out , we decided we should eat some dinner . At this point all of the people we started the hike with had also arrived at the hostel , so we decided to all eat together . Liz and John convinced me that I should try to eat something , so I ordered the most neutral thing on the menu . To my surprise they had chicken noodle soup so I ordered that because I figured if there was anything I could keep down , it would be that . Liz and John went in on a whole chicken dish with the three Aussies . When the menu said whole chicken , they were not lying ! There were ALL of the parts of the chicken in this dish , including the head , feet and other weird parts . Needless to say , none of them ate those parts . They said that the meal was good , but that they would not want to eat it again . My soup on the other hand was great , although I was not able to keep it all down . After still feeling sick , I decided to take the antibiotic that I thankfully had brought with me on the trip . After dinner , Liz and I decided to shower . The showers were outside , somewhat by our room , and they had like zero water pressure . It must have been because a lot of people were showering at that time because the boys said that when they showered it was fine . It was really cold at night here so we were not excited about turning off the hot water and feeling the freezing air against our bare skin while we dried off and changed into our clothes . We both turned the water off at the same time and squealed as we quickly dried off , put our clothes on and scurried back to our room . John laughed as we ran in wet and giggling / squealing about the cold . After we fully dried off and warmed up a bit , we all decided to grab our blankets and wrap ourselves up in them and snuggle up together on the bench outside on the patio to look at the stars . There were so many stars ! We have not seen more than maybe 5 stars at night since we have been in china because of all of the pollution and the lights . It was so beautiful and serene . We sat there talking and looking at the stars for about an hour before heading back into the room to go to sleep . We woke up on the train around 8 am and were expected to arrive in Lijiang around 8 : 55 am . Upon arrival we were hoping to catch a cab to our hostel but none were in sight but luckily we had some vague directions for how to get there by bus . We hopped on bus 3 and were supposed to get off at the White Dragon stop or something like that , but of course the bus stops are not labeled in English so we had to guess . We knew we were supposed to get on bus 2 after that so the second I saw a sign at a bus stop advertising Bus 2 , we hopped off and waited . Bus 2 came along right as we were questioning whether or not we did the right thing . We got on and knew that we were supposed to get off at " the gas station " stop . We knew our hostel was in the Old Town of Lijiang but we drove by the entrances to the old town , and seemingly out of town without passing a stop at a gas station . Again , we were questioning whether or not we had done the right thing , but we decided to stay on anyways . Luckily , John saw a gas station at one of the next stops so we though that it had to be the stop we were supposed to get off at . When we got off there was no obvious entrance to the Old Town , like expected from the directions , so we headed down this street that seemed like it could lead us there . Finally we saw a sign that pointed towards the Panba Hostel ( the hostel we were staying at ) so we headed that way . After a few mins we arrived at the hostel and were greeted by an extremely helpful guy working the front desk . He arranged everything for us for our trip to Tiger Leaping Gorge for the next day and gave us reccomendations on stuff to do in LIjiang . We wanted to visit Jade Snow Mountain , but he warned us that to do everything there would be extremely expensive - he referred to Jade Snow Mountain as the money printer of Lijiang . Because we still wanted to see it , he suggested just going to Yak Meadow , and not doing the peak . He wrote down on the map of the mountain exactly how much everything should cost and told us how to get there . So aftePanba Hostel The Old Town was so cool ! There were tons of little streets and allys filled with shops selling jewelry , mountain / Tibetan style clothing with tons of crazy and interesting prints , and other random goods . The majority of things that were being sold were like nothing I have seen in Shanghai or any other town we have visited . I really wanted to shop around here but we did not have that much time if we wanted to make it to the mountain . There were tons of things that I thought would make good gifts but since we were going to be hiking for 2 days I did not want to buy anything because my backpack needed to be as light as possible , so I decided that I could shop around in Shangri - la at the end of the trip if I wanted to . There were some guys dressed in furs and had mules and some crazy birds that you could take photos with in the old town center . They walked towards me with the bird ( not sure if it was a hawk or what it was ) and tried to put it on me but I freaked out and ran away ! At one point we passed a shop that had the most adorable golden retriever lounging around that of course I had to stop and pet and fawn over how adorable it was . It made me miss Riley . John and Liz had to practically pull me away from him to keep walking ! Besides shops and an adorable dog , there were also a ton of cute little restaurants and bars with patios overlooking the little rivers that passed through the old town , so we decided that we would have to come back to this area at night for dinner and a drink or two . We then headed towads the old water wheel to try to catch a cab . Before getting a cab we took some photos at the water wheel and a little waterfall near by that was pretty . There was a taxi line right outside of the Old Town entrance by the water wheel so we hopped in a taxi - van and explained where we wanted to go . They all do flat rates , which the man at our hostel told us to expect - so we paid 100 RMB for him to take us there ( about 40 mins outside of the city center ) . There are mini - busses you can take , and I would suggest doing that instead because they are only 15 RMB per person - you just have to wait for them to fill up . The drive to the mountain was gorgeous . We had the most beautiful weather - sunny and warm with a light breeze - and the air in LIjiang was so clear ! We could see miles away . The terrain and mountains , along with the clean air , reminded me of home . It was comforting . The cab driver dropped us of at one of the ticket offices so we could buy a ticket for the cable car up to yak mountain and then was on his way . The only complaint I have about this mountain is that it is NOT easy to figure out where to go or how to do what you want to do . There were ticket offices for each place on the mountain you could go to and they were not next to eachother . They were all in different parts of the park which was annoying . It took us a long time to figure out where the ticket office for the Yak Meadow was and once we figured that out , it took us a long time to determine where we were supposed to pick up a bus to take us to the cable car . We finally just showed our ticket to a bus that drove up near the ticket office and he let us on . He drove us and a few other people a little ways up the mountain and then motioned for us to get off at this other bus stop and hop on another bus . We were extremely confused but followed the other two people who were on the bus with us on to another bus . The only seats left open were the ones in the back so we sat there . It was a ridiculously bumpy ride up the mountain but the views from the window as we drove up were breathtaking . We all just kept looking at eachother in amazement and expressing how unbelievably beautiful it was . After about 30 mins of what rivaled an old wooden roller coaster ride with how bumpy and jerky it was , we got off the bus and went to the cable car . We got a kick out of the cable cars because they were super old and jank . They were 2 people cable cars and you had to enter from either side but as they came around the circle they moved so quickly that once the guys opened the little doors to them we had to practically jump into them . The funny part is that although they came around the circle quickly , once out over the land they moved sooo slowly . When I say slow I mean practically stopped . It took us forever to get up to the top , but we didn 't really mind because the views from the car were amazing . Finally it was time to hop off the cable car - and I mean that in the most literal sense ; I actually had to hop off of the car because it sped up at the ciricle at the top - and headed towards the meadow . The views of the mountain were spectacular ! Honestly words cannot describe how beautiful this area was . There was a little wooden path winding through the meadow and around to where we could no longer see , so we decided to walk along that for a bit to see if we could find the best place to take pictures . There were yaks grazing in the meadow along the path , so we tried to get close to some of them to take some pictures , but at one point one of them got mad and kind of chased us so we ran back to the path pretty quickly . We didn 't try to get close to them again after that haha ! All along the path were remarkable views of the snow tipped mountain range and Lijiang . We don 't know how there was still so much snow on the mountain because it was quite warm . After about 30 mins of walking along the path we reached a spot with benches and and an UNBELIEVABLE view . We were all so taken aback and completely speechless . This was a great spot to take pictures so we set the camera on one of the benches and took a few group pics with the self timer . We then just sat on the benches in silence and took in the surroundings . It was impossible to take our eyes off of the mountains . They were mesmerizing . While sitting there , staring at the mountains , I realized how utterly quiet it was . The only thing you could hear was the faint sound of the yak 's bells ringing as they grazed in their meadow . This was the first time that we had ever been truly alone in 4 months . There was nobody else around us - we were literally the only people on this part of the mountain - and it was so peaceful and serene . I forgot how nice it is to just sit in silence , and how relaxing it is to just take in nature and its beauty . None of us wanted to leave so we sat there for probably 30 - 45 mins just taking in the fresh air , and enjoying the silence and emptiness of the mountain . We finally decided that we should probably head back , and so we continued along the path - it made a loop back to where we started - and stumbled across an old Tibetian temple . There were Tebetian prayer flags hung along the temple and a little room in which you could pray . We walked around the little temple for a few mins and then headed back to the cable car . There was nobody around at all - which we found to be extremely weird since this was supposed to be a huge tourist area - so we had to practically knock on the cable car operator 's window to get him to help us get on the cable car . There was only one of them - unlike at the bottom - so he made us enter from the same side . Getting on like this was pretty comical because since Liz and I had to get on from the same side before the cable car jetted off the edge , we had to take running starts and jump into the car . I 'm pretty sure we actually scraped the bottom of the cable car on the ledge as we jumped in . We landed in our seats and Liz and I just looked at each other and laughed . Only in China would that be allowed ! Once at the bottom of the cable car we saw a bus waiting and headed over to it . When we got on , people started clapping and we realized that they had been waiting for us the whole time . We felt kind of bad at that point but how were we supposed to know that they were waiting ? We assumed that like every other place we had been , the busses were just on a loop and would come every 15 or 30 mins or something . It was weird . We thought that maybe we got on some tour bus or something because I don 't think that is normal . Who knows . We apologized and then we were on our way back down to the bottom of the mountain . Right as we got off the bus we were approached by a young Chinese man asking us if we needed a ride back into town so we hopped into his blue minibus and paid 15 RMB . This was definitely the way to go , rather than taking a cab . The guy was super nice and spoke some English and was excited to practice it with us . The mini - busses drop the passengers off by the North Entrance to the old city ( near the Water Wheel ) so our bus driver pointed us in the direction of the water wheel and said goodbye , but not without throwing compliments in Liz and my direction telling us how pretty we are . We get that a lot from the Chinese , and I can 't say I won 't miss that when I get back home . The Old Town is even more exciting and lively at night than during the day . There were herds of people roaming the little alleys and streets , rummaging through the shops and enjoying the lovely night . We stumbled across this extremely cute restaurant on one of the little waterways . It had an outdoor patio with extremely comfy chairs and benchs with pink , white , green and red patterned fabric pillows scattered amongst them . There were Tibetian prayer flags hanging above the patio , and flowers and fake butterflies adorned the walls and tables . The food was pretty expensive , but all of the food was similarly priced in the Old Town . The guy at our hostel warned us about that , but we decided it would be alright because it was a beautiful night and we wanted to enjoy the atmosphere of the Old Town at night . The restaurant next door had live music out on their patio so we enjoyed listening to that as we ate our dinner . After we were finshed we walked around the Old Town for a bit more and found a happening bar street . There was a river running down the center of the street and either side was lined with packed bars . There were little clubs blasting party music and flashing lights as well as smaller more quaint bars with patios looking out on the little river . All of the drinks were pretty expensive so we just walked around and looked at the bars and the shops before heading back to the hostel . This has already been the most amazing trip I have been on , and we have not even seen the main attraction of the trip yet ( the gorge ) . I am so happy that we decided to go on this trip and I 'm really glad I saved it for the end because I don 't think anything will be able to top this . Check in later to hear about our 2 day hike through Tiger Leaping Gorge and our stay in the Tibetan boarder town of Shangri - La . I 'm sure it will be amazing ! This was probably the most impromptu trip I have ever taken . We decided to go on this trip because we got a great deal on airfare - it was about $ 260 round trip ( and the other times we had looked into the flights it was more like $ 400 + ) which is one of the cheaper flights we have booked , and its definitely the farthest we have traveled . Since this deal pretty much came out of nowhere , Liz and I threw this trip together in about 2 days ; Including booking plane tickets , hostels and trains to get us to every destination . I thought it was pretty impressive of us ! Originally there were going to be 4 of us - a great travel size group . Liz John and I were to fly out of Shanghai at 1 : 30 and Nathan was going to follow us and fly out at 2 : 30 because by the time he tried to book our flight it was sold out . So we headed to the Pudong airporat around 11am and Nathan came with us in order to save costs on a tax and save him the hassle of getting to the airport by himself . Liz John and I checked in using the self check in machines but when Nathan tried to check in , it would not allow him . We thought that it might be because Spring airlines only lets you check in about an hour or an hour and a half before your flight . We asked the girl standing next to the machines if this was the case and she said yes , so we did not worry about it . We all decided to grab a quick lunch before heading through security . We left Nathan to check in and told him to call one of us if for some reason there were any issues with him checking in . As we were boarding our flight Nathan called John and explained that his flight was actually out of Hongqiao airport , not Pudong , and so he was in a cab rushing to the airport to try to catch his flight . We thought that he had a pretty good chance of making it , but when we landed in Kunming we had a text message waiting for us from him saying otherwise . We encouraged him to take a different flight out the next morning and meet us in Lijiang , because he could still enjoy the trip , but he thought it would be too coAs we were initiating our descent into Kunming , the flight attendants told us to raise our window shades in preparation for landing , and when I did I was surprised to see the landscape below us . It was beautiful mountainous terrain spanning as far as the eye could see , with red sand terraces winding down the mountains and farming areas in the gullies . It was scenery that I would expect to see while flying over somewhere in south America . It was beautiful . We landed in what seemed to be the middle of nowhere . The airport was surrounded by red dirt fields and farmland , and the landing strip was barely a landing strip more like a clay / dirt road . I felt like it was a small airport somewhere in Mexico or something for small prop planes , not large industrial jets . I wish I had my phone on so that I could have snappd a few pictures because I 'm not describing it very well . Once we got off the plane and entered the airport I was surprised by how developed it was . The modern airport felt so out of place in this little , seemingly undeveloped town . We had a few hours before we needed to catch our overnight train to Lijiang so we headed to the airport shuttle area and randomly chose a bus that looked like it took us to the Kunming city center . We paid 25 RMB for a ticket and luckily it took us right smack dab in the middle of the city ! We had no plans for once we were in the city , so we looked at a map and saw that we were pretty close to a pedestrian street , so we headed towards that . On the way we stumbled across this park so we walked around that for a while . It was really pretty and serene . There was this little pagoda surrounded by palm trees that was pretty cool , and another pagoda in the center of the lake that had some lily pads floating in it , but we couldn 't get to the pagoda because the lake had overflown and was covering the path out to it . So we left the park and headed towards the pedestrian street to find food . To our surprise the pedestrian street was awesome . It was packed with people and had a ton of nice stores and snack places . We passed a frozen yogurt place and got a little too excited over it and decided we had to come back after dinner . We ended up eating dinner at this Italian / Asian fusion type restaurant called Cabana - not sure why since there was no Spanish or Mexican influence to the place whatsoever . It was pretty good and really cheap . They had a wide variety of options for food which is nice . After killing around 2 hours at this place , we headed to get frozen yogurt and then catch a cab to the train station . We boarded the train around 10 : 20pm , left at 10 : 55 and pretty much went straight to bed . The train was not as comfortable as the one we took to Beijing but it was fine . We all slept pretty well I think . |
We finished the new office ! My dad and Dave worked on it the last couple days and it 's finally all done . It 's such a great room and the boys took no time to break it in . Colin walked past it yesterday and said , " Oh , I like those colors . " Once the desk was set up he went in , found his paper and started to draw . Trevor couldn 't wait for the computer to be set up . He 'd been waiting to play a game all day long . Now it 's on to the upstairs . We 'll see how long it takes us to start that one . I can 't tell if Dave is tired of working on the room or motivated to do more ! The boys enjoying the new room . We put crayons , paper , glue , scissors and pencils in the desk where Colin is drawing . It will be his new " drawing table " and the place where Trevor does homework . Trevor loves playing games with his dad ! The boys on Christmas morning opening gifts . They loved their gifts and had a great day playing with their new toys . . . the star wars figures were a big hit as well as their new pirate ship ! Dave bought a big fluffy blanket for the family for Christmas . I think it 's Colin 's favorite new thing . He 's always complaining he 's cold but I think he 'll be toasty warm from now on . Just like everyone else we got snow on Wednesday . It snowed at the house but didn 't really stick . We were a little sad on Thursday when we woke up and there was no snow . But as you can see we did get our chance to play in it . This is Trevor on our " snow day " . My mom called early that morning to let me know the park next to her school had snow ( even though we had none at our house and her school is two minutes away ) . I called my friend Jean and we took our kids over to play at 8 : 30 in the morning before it all melted . They played for about a half hour and then got cold and wanted to go home . It was the first time Trevor and Colin have seen snow ! Colin playing in the snow . Before I could get his " globes " on he ran out and started picking up the snow . He came crying to me , " Mom ! My hands are so cold . " I got his gloves on and it was all good . He loved it and had a great time making his little snowman . I took Logan to get his first haircut on Wednesday . As you can see from this picture it was getting pretty long . It would fall in his eyes and the back was getting so long he always looked like a " ragga - muffin " ( something my dad used to say to us when we were kids ) . This is Logan after his haircut . He 's all clean and in his pjs . Doesn 't he look like such a little gentleman with his hair all nice and trimmed ? The new office is coming along . We 've finished all of the painting ( I LOVE the colors Dave picked ) and tomorrow we 're going to install the wood floors to match the flooring we have in the rest of the downstairs . I can 't wait to get all of the furniture down there ! Our ward Christmas party was on Friday and afterwards we had a visit from Santa . I love the look on Colin 's face in this picture . Colin told Santa he wanted a snowman for Christmas , Trevor said he wanted Hot Wheels and of course Logan started to cry as soon as Dave sat him on Santa 's lap . But I 'm glad my friend was there with her camera phone to capture the moment . My mom just called and my sister Belinda just had her baby . I won 't give any of the details - I don 't want to steal her thunder ( it 's a girl and I think it was her biggest baby ) . I 'm going over to the hospital tonight to hang out with my sister after everyone else has come and gone . Hopefully I 'll get some pictures . It will be fun to hold a newborn again - Logan is getting so big ! Here 's Macy with her new baby sister Kinsley . Earlier in November Dave and my dad and uncle started the remodel in our house . We 're turning the downstairs bedroom into an open den for the computer and desk and we 're going to make the loft ( where the computer is now ) into a new bedroom . The downstairs is going a little faster than I expected . Dave and his friend Kevin are going to work on it today . The flooring for the room is in and Dave is going to choose the paint color . I 'm excited to see what it looks like and more excited to move all of the furniture down there so we can start on the new upstairs bedroom . Trevor and Colin are going to share the new room and we 'll put Logan in their old room . I have so many ideas for their room so I hope I can make it look the way it does in my head . Here are a few pictures of what Dave and my dad and uncle worked on that first day . . . They cut out a new door way and moved around some of the old outlets . We 're going to keep this open to the hall and not put doors on . They took off the closet doors and cut the wall back a little . This is where the corner part of the computer desk will sit . The old doorway to the left has been closed in and we 're going to do some built in shelves . I can 't wait to post the finished pictures ! When we were growing up I always wanted lights on the house at Christmas . We had a huge pine tree in our front yard so one year we put lights on it , but the next day we discovered someone had come and taken all of the lights off . We never attempted it again . Last year , about a week before Christmas Dave went down to Home Depot for something and came back with Christmas lights and a big wreath for the door . This year , we 're the first house on the street with our lights up . We have a pretty festive street and we were always the dark house amongst the ones all lit up for Christmas . The boys love it ; they " helped " Dave get all of the lights up and then came in and helped me decorate the tree . Colin kept asking when Santa would be here and we had to tell him over and over again not for 25 more days . Then last night Dave and I actually went Christmas shopping for the boys and got all of their gifts in one trip . It 's not even December 1st yet and we 're done . Usually we 're scrambling till the last minute to get their gifts only to discover our limited choices since things they want usually sell out ( does anyone else with young boys have to buy Star Wars and Transformers again this year ? ) . It was so fun getting the house all decorated , going out shopping and thinking of how excited the kids will be to open their gifts . But after it was all said and done , the one thing Trevor was really excited about was when I put up the page out of the December Friend where we read scriptures of Christ each night and color in a picture until you get to Christmas day . He has been waiting for December 1st so we can start that . I guess it really is the little ones who always seem to remind us what Christmas is really all about . Since the weather has been so nice Dave and I decided to whisk the kids away to the beach for a few days . Here is Logan on the beach for the first time . . . . just kidding . That 's Colin from 2 years ago . I took some cute pictures of the boys yesterday in the backyard when we were all playing and for the life of me I can 't get them from the camera to my computer . So I put this picture up to make my friend Tricia jealous because right now it 's as warm as a summer day at the beach . Well , maybe not that warm but it sure is a heck of a nice day . On Sunday one of my friends said she was so sad because she was putting up her Christmas decorations and it was warm and sunny and she was getting hot . She misses the cold and the snow . I don 't know how people can miss the cold and the snow when it 's so beautiful . I will never understand the love of snow . I lived in it for three years in college and I can honestly say I don 't miss it one little bit . Sure it 's pretty to look at , but when you have to go out and walk to class and it 's 20 degrees and you get all wet from it and your toes start to freeze . . . no thank you . I will take 78 degrees in the middle of November any day . So sorry Tricia that you 're already freezing to death . I am going to go open another window to let in some of this nice , fall air . Our little Logan is ten months old now and he still does not have his own room . He shares the loft upstairs with the computer . Ever since he was born we 've wanted to make the loft into a bedroom and move the office downstairs , but we 've just never gotten around to it . Until today ! Our " guest room " is all cleaned out now and Dave started cutting a hole out of the wall for the new doorway . We have officially started our remodeling project . How long it 's all going to take I have no idea , but I can almost see what I want Logan 's new room to look like . I just wonder if Trevor and Colin will want the new room and want Logan to move into their room . I guess I don 't really care as long as I can have all of my boys upstairs with me and finally have a door to close when I put Logan down for his naps and to sleep at night . I 'll have to take pictures of the progress and then post the big reveal . As for Dave 's family . . . . sorry but we no longer have a guest room . But that does not mean you can 't still come visit . We will always have room . . . . . maybe the playroom ? My friend did this on her blog and I was interested to see what Trevor had to say : 1 . What is something mom always says to you ? - I love you2 . What makes mom happy ? - Kisses3 . What makes mom sad ? - I don 't know4 . What is her favorite thing to do ? - Go to a party ( I 'm not sure where this came from since I never go to parties . . . maybe because I went out to dinner with friends recently ? ) 5 . What does your mom do when you 're not around ? - Take care of Colin ( what about Logan ? ) 6 . What is your mom really good at ? - Cooking7 . What is your mom not very good at ? - Playing , because you always say ' I have to go to a meeting , I 'm going to a party , I have to go upstairs . ' ( This answer made me very sad ! But again where is the whole party thing coming from ? ? ) 8 . What does your mom do for her job - Go to meetings ( Do I really go to that many meetings ? ) 9 . What is your mom 's favorite food ? - Enchiladas ( he is so right and it 's his favorite too ! ) 10 . What makes you proud of your mom ? - Proud that you 're back home from a meeting ( Hmmm , maybe I need to have a talk with the bishop ! ) 11 . What do you and your mom do together ? - We do homework ( he smiled when he said this so it must be a good thing ) 12 . How are you and your mom the same ? - We both have blue eyes13 . How are you and your mom different ? - You have long hairI 'm thinking I need to go play with Trevor now . I get so many people with different opinions on who Logan looks like more . Some say he looks just like Trevor where others swear he is Colin 's " mini - me " . There are times when I see both of them in him , but for certain all three have such different personalities . In these pictures all three boys are about 9 months old ( I think Colin has changed so much since he was a baby ! ) . So who do you think looks more alike ? Last night as I was cooking dinner Colin went out back to play and soon after Trevor followed him . Not long after he went out Trevor came back in and said very calmly , " Mom , we have an emergency . " I followed him out and this is what I saw . . . Colin was stuck in the gate . A while back we put a lock on the gate because Colin figured if he stood on his bike he could reach the latch and get the gate open . He then figured out the combination to the lock ( never use 0000 - kids can guess that too easily ) so we changed that and thought we had finally stopped Colin from trying to get out front . He is one determined boy and I guess this time he thought he had a good plan . . . . until his head would not fit through . I must admit I started laughing when I saw him . It was funny to me . I called Dave and told him what happened and he told me to try and get his body back through ( I was not thinking and for the life of me could not figure out what to do ) so we eventually got him out . When I asked him what in the world he was doing he said he wanted to get out so he could give Dad a kiss . I guess since I was making dinner he knew Dad would be home soon . I told him the next time he wanted to go our front he needed to tell Mom or Dad first and then use the front door . As we walked back into to the house , our sweet Trevor said , " Mom , I knew he would get unstuck because I said a prayer . " I just keep wondering what Colin is going to do next . The other night Dave was out in the front getting ready to mow the lawn . The boys were with him and I was inside feeding Logan . All of a sudden Trevor runs in yelling , " Mom ! You have to come see , it 's a real ice cream truck ! " He was way excited so I went out and saw it parked in front of the house , Dave and Colin looking at the different selections . Trevor came back in and got Dave 's wallet and I went out to capture their first ice cream purchased from the ice cream man in a real ice cream truck . I remember when we were younger and playing outside in the summer we 'd hear that familiar song jingling through the streets . We 'd all run in the house to find change . Sometimes we 'd have to run after the truck to flag it down as it drove past the house , but once it stopped it seemed like all of the kids in the neighborhood would be there , waiting to get a cool treat . Sometimes my dad would be outside on a Saturday and run in the house , grabbing the change jar telling us to come out and pick a teat . That truck used to come around all of the time . Is it sad that this is my 5 year old 's first ice cream truck experience and that it happened on the last day of September instead of the middle of summer ? Hmmmmm . . . . my favorite thing to get was a Strawberry Shortcake . The vanilla ice cream with strawberry in the middle , the crumbly coating on the outside . Those were so good . The last few days we 've taken Trevor to school Colin will tell me he has to go to the bathroom . The ladies in the office are nice and let us use the bathroom in the nurse 's office every time . Well I was onto his little scheme and made him go to the bathroom before we left for school today . When we got to school I let him out of the stroller to get a drink . He then came up to me and said , " I have to go pee pee . " I told him he did not , he went before we left . So Colin goes out to the grass where all of the kindergartners were running around and playing and proceeded to pull down his shorts and underwear ALL THE WAY , a big smile on his face , looking at me the whole time . He was in the process of trying to pee when I got his pants back on and marched him to the office to use the nurse 's bathroom . After he went he turned to me and said , " See Mom I did have to go . " Well , well I guess I 'll listen to him from now on . I have not posted in a while because it seems the day goes by much faster with Trevor in school . Even though he goes for a half day I feel like I am running around all morning and after he gets home and then before you know it I 'm looking at the clock and it 's time to make dinner . But here is a little update on what 's been going on at the Eyre house . . . . Trevor : He 's doing so well in school and has really improved in his listening skills . We were so happy last week when he got a stamp on his hand every day for being good in class . He is learning so much and really seems to enjoy school . I see him on the playground playing with new friends and he works very hard on his homework . Colin : My friends and I started a playgroup for Colin and their sons Aaron and Nathan . All of the boys are about the same age . They have loved playing together and it 's something they look forward to each week . It 's fun seeing Colin playing with boys his own age and they are all pretty funny to watch when they are together . Next week we 'll start going to the library for story time and I know he 'll love that . Colin also has a little crush . . . . Dave and the boys were telling stories the other night and Dave said , " And the Princess was named Mama Kasey . " Colin said , " No , the Princess is not Mama Kasey , it 's Colby 's Mom . " We walk to school with Colby and his mom and Colin just loves her . He always wants to give her hugs and talk to her . He got to go and play with her today so I could go to Trevor 's class and he loved that . Logan : He 's almost 9 months old and he 's crawling , standing and trying to walk when he stands . He 's into everything and loves to go in the playroom with his older brothers . They usually let him play with them but sometimes they will start to yell " TROUBLE " when he 's messing with their stuff . He finally got some teeth but now it seems they are all coming at once now ! He 's been a little miserable at night , but seems to be doing better . I can see so many bumps in his mouth of teeth that are coming and it looks so painful but he 's a tPosted by Logan finally figured out how to stand up in his crib . Colin wanted a picture with him so this was the result . Colin seems to like Logan a little better now that Trevor is at school and he has no one else to play with . Just moments before taking this picture Colin was trying to get Logan out of the crib since Logan was crying and Colin wanted to make him happy . Luckily Colin did not succeed . Posted by I wrote before that Dave and I got an idea for a story from watching Trevor play . I just wanted to give a little taste of what I 've been working on . . . . tell me what you think ! The Wizard laughed softly . " My name is Rupin . " " Rupin , " Trevor repeated . " Your house is hidden but I knew it was here . Have I been here before ? " Rupin gazed around the room and then settled his eyes on Trevor . He looked at the boy thoughtfully . " You have been here before , but you must not have remembered . You have been here many times . " Trevor looked out the window . " Is this a town ? This place , Evarb ? " " Yes . The castle and my home are on the edge of town . If you go back out on the road covered with trees and walk the way you came you will pass the castle and then a mile up will be the town . There are many good things in Evarb , but there are also many dangers . " " What kind of dangers ? " Rupin shook his head . " I can not tell you that now . You will find out soon enough . " Trevor sat for a moment and when Rupin did not say anything more he took that as an indication that he was supposed to leave . Trevor stood and started for the door . Before he walked back outside he turned and asked , " How do I know what to do once I get to town ? " Rupin smiled , his eyes crinkling at the corners . " You will know just as you knew how to find the door in the castle and how you knew how to find my cottage . " Today was Trevor 's first day of kindergarten . We met up with some of his friends and walked to school together . He was really excited to get to school but as soon as we got there the bell ran so he did not get to play on the playground . It took some persuading to get him off the playground and to go line up . Colin was a bit sad . . . he stood in line with Trevor and wanted to go in with him . Trevor did great going in and when I picked him up he said he had fun and he was good . He did not tell me much else about his day , but hopefully tonight he will say more at dinner . Colin did not like his brother gone , but I LOVED going grocery shopping with just 2 kids again . It 's amazing how different Colin is when Trevor is not around . Colin missed Trevor the whole time he was gone and kept telling me he was sad . I told him we 'll get to do fun things here at home , but I don 't know if he believed me . But I am happy things went well for Trevor - I was a little nervous but he seemed to have a good day and said he likes school so that is good enough for me . I hope everyone else had a good first day of school ! Another first today was with Logan . He found the stairs and started to try and climb up them . I had the camera out already from taking a picture of Trevor before going to school so I snapped it and then caught him as he started to fall . He gets around so fast now , we 're going to have to keep our eye on him . It helps that Trevor and Colin will tell me if Logan starts to get anywhere further than the family room . It 's nice to have little helpers who are always watching out for their baby brother . There is a show on PBS called America 's Test Kitchen and a few weeks ago they did a show on pizza and showed a recipe for pan pizza . It looked so good and easy to make so I 've been wanting to try it out . Well I tried it tonight and it was a hit . Trevor , Colin and I ate one pizza ourselves and Dave will get to chow down on the second one whenever he gets home from work . So here is the recipe . . . . enjoy ! Sauce1 tablespoon Olive Oil2 cloves garlic , minced1 28 oz . can crushed tomatoessalt and pepper to tasteCook oil and garlic in medium saucepan over low heat until garlic is soft ( about 2 minutes ) . Add tomatoes and cook on medium heat until thickened , 10 - 15 minutes . Season with salt and pepper . ( Makes enough for 3 pizzas , this recipe makes 2 pizzas , so freeze extra sauce . ) DoughHeat 3 / 4 cup plus 2 tablespoons milk in microwave until warm ( not HOT ) . Add 2 teaspoons sugar and 2 tablespoons olive oil and mix . In a standing mixer measure 2 1 / 3 cups flour , 1 package yeast , and 1 / 2 tablespoons salt . Turn mixer on low and add milk . Mix until combined and then raise speed to medium and mix until dough is smooth , about 5 minutes . Shape dough into a ball and place in a bowl coated with cooking spray . Cover with plastic wrap and let rise about 30 minutes . Coat the bottom of two round cake pans with 3 tablespoons each Olive Oil . Divide dough in half and shape into balls . Roll out dough into 9 inch circles and then press into oiled pans . Cover pans and let rise for about 20 minutes . Heat oven to 400 degrees . Top pizza with 2 / 3 cups sauce ( leaving a 1 / 2 - inch border around the sides ) , cheese and pepperoni . Bake for about 20 minutes until golden brown . Let the pizza sit in pans one minute and the remove . Mmmm , mmmm good ! Yesterday Logan was crawling around and got on a blanket that was on the ground . He grabbed the corner of the blanket and started to roll around . He got all rolled up in the blanket and all I could do was laugh at him and try to get a picture . This was a time I wished I had a video camera . It was so funny to watch and when I unrolled him he was just smiling like he was having the best time ever . On Sunday Dave and I were sitting on the couch watching Trevor play . He had a piece of his train track that he was using as a sword and he was fighting off monsters and bad guys . As we watched him I said , " Wouldn 't that be such a good book ? A story about a little boy who imagines things and then they start to happen . " That got us talking and all day long we kept throwing out ideas on what the story would be like , how it would work and different ideas on what would happen . On Wednesday I started writing it and this morning we finally figured out what we want the whole thing to be . Of course we had to name the main character Trevor and he had to have a little brother named Colin . I have so many stories I 've started and never finished but I 've not been as excited about one as I am about this one . Even if nothing comes of it , how fun for our boys to sit and listen as we read a story with them in it . So stay tuned , maybe as I write I 'll put little bits and pieces of it on my blog so you can all tell me what you think and maybe some day Trevor will be the next Harry Potter . . . . I was at the grocery store today and the boys wanted to " walk " . We were in the produce section and they both wanted a " stick " - the green twist ties that are with the fruit and veggie bags . So I give them each two and suddenly they 're swords and the boys are running around fighting off the bad guys . There was an older women they ran past and she laughed . I ran into her again and she said to me , " My granddaughter was just here visiting me . She is eight and she wore me out . I am still tired . " Then , before walking away she said , " You have a beautiful family . " When I was pregnant with Trevor I was sure he was a girl . I wanted a girl since I was so girly and I knew Dave would be good with a little girl . Then when Colin came along I wanted another boy . Sometimes I 'd get excited at the thought of having a girl but I wanted a friend for Trevor . When I was pregnant with Logan I pretended to want a girl because everyone else wanted me to have a girl but really I just wanted another boy . There are some families we know who have all boys and I would say to Dave , " I want to be just like them . " People always ask if we 're going to try for a girl , but I don 't feel like we 're missing out by not having one . Besides it 's nice being the only girl in the house . Today was a good play day for Trevor and Colin until the biting and hitting started . But even when they do fight they 're over it two seconds later and back to playing . They do love one another and have often said they are best friends . And lately they are getting good at getting into trouble together . Logan kept smooshing his face against his crib but when I grabbed the camera , of course he stopped . He is such a good baby and it 's so easy to just leave him in his crib with some toys when I need to do something because I know he 'll be okay . But then when I come to get him he gives me the biggest smile ever and I pick him up and he just lays against me . I love that . I hope when he 's old enough he can join his brothers , and instead of being the 3rd wheel , they can be like the 3 MuPosted by Last night Dave and I were having trouble getting the boys calmed down to go to bed . Finally , Dave said " Let 's just forget about them and watch our movie and relax . " So we did watch our move - a few times during our movie I thought I heard the boys running around upstairs , talking and playing , but I just ignored them and enjoyed the time with Dave . Around 9 : 45 we go upstairs after the movie was over . I checked on Logan , put his blankets on and then went in the boys room to check on them . They were gone . Neither one was in his bed . Then I went into our room and Trevor and Colin were fast asleep in our bed . This morning when they woke up I said , " I found two boys sleeping in my bed last night . " When I asked whose idea it was to go to sleep in Mom and Dad 's bed Trevor said , " It was Colin 's idea . " I knew he was right since Colin is always the one to think of what to do at night to get out of going to sleep and Trevor usually follows along . Now that they 've done it once I wonder if they 'll try and do it again . . . . My friend Tricia always has the best ideas for her kids . They make cars out of boxes and have a drive in movie night in their family room - she even pauses the movie half way and opens a concession stand so her kids can buy snacks . She always takes them to the library in the summer and has picnics in the park or in the family room if it 's too hot . They have a garden that the kids help with in the summer and she likes to take them on field trips when they are not in school . This summer , since gas prices are so high , she decided instead of going away to go camping they 'd do it at home . They put the up tent in the backyard , grill hamburgers for dinner or do foil dinners , roast marshmallows and make S ' mores and then tell scary stories before going to sleep in the tent . They 've already done this several times this summer so I decided it was time to give my kids a little summer fun . Inspired by Tricia 's e - mail this morning I surprised the boys with the tent in the backyard . They immediately took out a blanket , pillows and toys and of course asked for snacks . I gave them their lunch in the tent and Popsicles since it 's pretty warm even in the shade . I don 't think we 'll sleep out there tonight , but I 'll keep it up so they have a few days to play " camping " and get outside a little . I am hoping they will have so much fun playing " camping " that we can plan a weekend to go for real . Posted by Logan spit up in his crib this morning so I decided to give him a bath . When his bath was done and he was all wrapped in his towel I put him in the rocking chair so I could change his sheets . As he was sitting there he looked so cute I had to take a picture and I kept thinking I could use these for his 6 month picture in his baby book . Yes , my little guy is half a year old now . It 's hard to believe all of that time has gone by and it makes me think that in the blink of an eye we 'll be taking the Christmas tree down and getting ready to celebrate his 1st birthday in January . Here are some of our favorite things about our Little Champ : His smile - not showing it here but he usually has a huge smile on his face . His big blue eyes . . . the left one has a little brown spot in it so I think it 's cool he 's a little unique that way . How good he sleeps . His laughHow content he always seems to be . He seems to epsecially enjoy watching his brothers play . The way he chews on his toes . Babies are so flexible . His loving personality . He can be with anyone and warm up to them immediately . The way he knows all of us - he gets a look on his face when he sees me or his dad or brothers that tell us he knows us and he 's happy to be part of our family . For our 4th of July weekend we drove to Reno to have a little reunion with Dave 's family . It turned out to be a very fun weekend and everyone had a good time . We loved spending time together and watching the kids play and get along so well . We don 't see his family often so we were glad for the long weekend we could spend with them . Some of the highlights were the boys tubing down the Trukee River ( Trevor liked it but Colin said , " It did not like it . It was cold and I wanted to come home . " ) , all of the good food , playing games at the park , painting birdhouses , sitting and talking , watching the kids play , watching Colin eat about 50 pieces of watermelon , seeing Dave and his siblings have fun together . My Aunt JoD also lives in Reno so we spent a little time with her on Saturday . Thanks everyone for the great time and we hope we can come again soon ! I have never been able to make good chocolate chip cookies . No matter what I did they would come out flat and crispy , not soft and chewy like I wanted . Others would make me cookies and I would ask for the recipe only to discover my attempts did not produce the cookies I desired . So one day I was searching online for the perfrect , easy chocolate chip recipe . . . and I found it ! I made these cookies and held my breath as I opened the oven when it was time to take them out and low and behold they were fluffly not flat ! Soft not hard ! Chewy not crispy ! They were exactly what I had been searching for . I made them again and again wondering if it was a fluke they came out so good , but each time they are as goon as the first batch I made . So I am sharing the recipe for all of those who , like me , never thought they could make a good chocolate chip cookie . 1 stick butter , melted ( yes MELTED , not softened ) 3 / 4 cup brown sugar3 / 4 cup sugar2 eggs1 teaspoon vanilla2 1 / 4 cups flour ( sometimes I do half whole wheat flour , half regular flour and they are still so good and a little healthier . . . . can cookies be healthy ? ) 3 / 4 teaspoon baking soda1 teaspoon salt1 cup chocolate chips or more if you like it extra chocolately . Put everything in a bowl and beat - let your kids lick the beaters and mix in the chocolate chips . Bake at 375 for 8 minutes ( according to my oven 8 minutes is the perfect time but you may want to do it a little longer ) . Yummm . . . . I thought once Logan started sleeping through the night I would be able to get my 8 hours every night and wake up well rested and cheerful each morning . Well it seems that even though he sleeps well I still wake up for no reason at all , or Trevor or Colin will wake up for different things during the night . Last night , for instance , Dave was gone camping with his scouts and I had a plan to put the boys to bed early ( Colin missed his nap but instead of being tired he was WIRED ) so I could watch a movie , then read my book ( I 'm reading Before Green Gables so any Anne of Green Gables fans will have to read it ) and have a wonderful night 's sleep . I am not sure what I was thinking . A little after midnight Trevor wakes up and yells , " Mom I need a drink of water . " He yells it again and again until he sees me in his room with the cup . Then I am up around 1 with Trevor asking which switch to push to turn on the light to go pee , then at 2 and again at 3 because Logan has learned to roll over and he now rolls over in his sleep and it wakes him up . I roll him back over ( he sleeps on his stomach - I know I 'm breaking the rules but he sleeps SO GOOD that way ) , put in his pacifier and go back to sleep . He is awake again at 5 , I try to get him to go back to sleep but he sees me and is all smiles . I feed him and by 5 : 24 he 's back in his crib and I am back in bed . I then hear Colin waking up at 6 : 18 and so my day begins . And just so you know . . . it 's 8 : 34 am and Logan is still sleeping . How nice to take long naps whenever you want . Trevor has strep throat . On Monday my friend Marylin called me to tell me she saw the doctor my kids go to ( Dr . Downey - they love him ) because her daughter was sick with strep . So on Friday when Trevor woke up telling me his neck hurt ( he 'd had a fever the day before and was tired all day long - it was actually kind of nice him being sick ! ) I called Marylin and asked her what the symptoms for strep were . She told me to take him in just in case , " If you wait all weekend and it is strep then he 's going to be Posted by The best marriage advice I ever got was from my friend Tricia who told Dave and me to always spend at least one night away from our kids for our anniversaries . We took that advice to heart and also decided that each year we would take turns planning the anniversary as a surprise for the other person . Dave does the even years and I do the odd . We also buy a little something to put on a shelf in the family room to remember where we went or what we did . So here is a little recap of what we 've done so far : Year 1 - I planned a trip to San Diego . We went to Balboa park and Coronado Island to go to the beach . Year 2 - Dave got us a room at the Treasure Island and tickets to a few shows . Three days away from 3 month old Trevor . . . it was good to be alone but we were both happy to get back and see our baby . Year 3 - I got us a room at the Big Yellow Inn in Cedar City and tickets to a play at the Shakespearean Festival . Year 4 - We went to Laguna beach and got spa treatments and sat on the beach and did nothing . ( Can you tell we like the beach ? ) Year 5 - We stayed home , but the kids were gone and I did a scavebger hunt for Dave . I sent him to all of the places we went on our first date . Year 6 - Dave got us a room and spa treatments ( another trend of ours ) at the Green Valley Spa in St . George . Year 7 - This year ! We celebrated this past weekend even though our anniversary is on the 23rd . We had dinner at an Italian restaurant at the Venetian and then saw Phantom . It was SO GOOD . Then we went on a gondola ride . My sister watched the kids . . . Thanks ! ! Father 's Day ! I let Dave sleep in ( something he likes to do a lot ) and made him a breakfast of crepes . When it was time to eat I had the boys put on the shorts and shirt we bought him and wake him up . Colin was not very happy with this idea . For Dave 's card I had the boys tell me what they liked to do with their dad . Here is what they said : Colin - I like to draw bobots with Dad . Trevor - He 's a very very good Dad . I like to wrestle and play monster game with him . Logan - ( Big smile ! ) Colin ' Posted by Here are some new picturs from the weekend . We 've been trying out food with Logan and he 's not been too interested . This weekend I tried sweet potatoes since Trevor and Colin loved them as babies but Logan had more fun spitting it out . Dave mowed the lawn Saturday night and Colin wanted to help . Trevor usually helps too but he was upstairs playing the computer . He is so good at the games he plays that he can do it all himself . I think soon he will be better on the computer than I am . He definitly takes after his dad ! What I was doing 10 years ago : I was at SUU and decided to stay for the summer so I could take enough classes in order to be done with everything by the end of the Fall semester so I could student teach Spring semester . I lived in the sorority house that summer and I was also the sorority President so I had those responsibilities as well . It was a summer like the way a Tale of Two Cities starts out " It was the best of times , it was the worst of times . " 5 Things on my " TO DO " list : clean the house ( I have a friend from college - a SORORITY SISTER - coming into town tonight and she 's coming over with her family to visit ) start an exercise routeinset up the " slip and slide " for the kids ( I am totally going to play on it with them ) finish the laundry - it 's never endingmake up my dinner menu for next week and get my grocery list doneThings I would do if I were suddenly a Billionaire : I guess Millionaire doesn 't cut it anymoreBuy my dream house that is up the street ( the one with the LAUNDRY ROOM ! ! ) and get all of the extras I want . Take my family ( my parents , Dave 's parents , our grandparents , our siblings and their kids ) on a Disneyworld Cruise . Buy a beach house in Coronado IslandPut money away for missions and college ( that might end up taking most of the money by the time my kids are old enough to go ! ) Go to Italy with DaveStock up my food storage ( since my new house has a HUGE pantry ) Buy a video camera so we can record the kidsGo out to dinner every night for a weekHire a maid service 3 of my Bad Habitsbiting my nails ( I am really going to stop this time ) interrupting people when they are talking ( I had no idea , but my husband pointed this out to me ! ) not following through on things I want to doPlaces I 've LivedLas Vgeas , Cedar City for college and Las Vegas once againJobs I 've HadDay care worker ( lasted 2 weeks ) worked at the libraryHallmark sales associate ( I loved that job ) I worked at a law firm for a few months doing a project for one of the lawyers thereI cleaned the athletic office building / gymnastics locker room at cKasey Trevor had his last day of preschool last week on Thursday ( was it really only a week ago ? ? ) and his teacher planned a little graduation ceremony for that night . When we got there I was surprised to see so many people since there are only 4 kids in his class and one of them is the teacher 's daughter , but his teacher 's parents and sister came to support her . Trevor did a great job . They all introduced themselves by spelling their name and they all had a little part of a poem to recite and a song to sing . It was so cute and Trevor kept making funny comments throughout the whole thing and the other parents would say , " How funny , he is so cute . " Dave and I were very proud and a little surprised at how different Trevor was sitting with his classmates . We both said how happy we were he got kicked out of his first preschool because this one seemed so much better suited for him . He was the only boy in the class , but he still enjoyed himself each week and made good friends . After the ceremony his teacher presented each child with a backpack full of things to do over the summer and a few supplies they will need for school in the fall . It was such a fun night and it made Dave and me realize just how fast our kids are growing up and all of the things they will be doing in the future . The pictures are the kids signing a song about being a star , his class posing for pictures and the last one is Trevor with Miss Crystal . He said on his last day of school as I was droping him off " Mom I am starting to get sad . " Then he went up to Miss Crystal and told her he loved her and that he was going to miss her ! Posted by |
The beautiful story honoring the short but wonderful life of Luna and her conscious natural death as written by her human dad Joel who has given me permission to share it . She was a truly enlightened being . While death is one of the hardest parts of my work , what is important is honoring every moment we are here and have with our loved ones . As many of our friends and family know , our one year old girl kitty , Luna , was diagnosed with a fatal virus a month ago . Luna and her shelter brother , Astro , came to us from a local cat rescue last June . Luna was curled up in a cage all by herself . We were told she had been brought to the shelter by someone who found her ( at two months old ) living in the parking lot of a local super market . As soon as we picked her up she started purring and she made it very clear that she was coming home with us . At first Luna wanted nothing to do with Astro . All he wanted was a playmate . But every time he approached her she would growl at him . The sound she made was very much like the sound Marge Simpson makes when she disapproves of something . We almost named her Marge because of this . But Astro persisted , and after about a week she accepted him as something to chase and wrestle to the ground , and then she allowed him to groom her , and then they began to snuggle and sleep together . And her disapproving growl evolved into the sweetest little peep . Thereafter , her nickname around our house became Miss Peep . Having been abandoned in a parking lot , Luna had a little more life experience in the real world than Astro did ( he spent his formative weeks with his mom and siblings in a foster care home ) , so she taught him some very important lessons . Between the two of them , she was always the trailblazer . She was fearless and was always the first to jump up on high places to get a better view . She was the one to greet new people who came to visit , and always the first to explore new things ; like the joys of empty shopping bags , and the challenge of catching flies . Astro learned from her and loved her . Wherever she was in the house , all she had to do was peep and he would come running to be by her side . He would constantly shower her with kisses , which she usually tolerated for a little while and then when she had had enough would gently push him away with her paw . She was his queen , and he loved being her devoted subject . Brad and I watched Luna learn how to love and how to be loved . And in addition to being a companion to Astro , she was my meditation partner every morning . Wherever she was in the house as soon as she heard the chime on my meditation timer she would come and lay by my side . Sometimes I could feel her soft fur against the back of my hand she would lay so close . And when the final chime would ring signaling the end of a session I would open my eyes and there she would be looking up at me . These times are what I am going to miss most about her . When Luna was first diagnosed , I contacted Dr . Lena McCullough , the acupuncturist who had treated our previous cat , George , when he began to decline from the kidney failure of old age . Dr . Lena immediately instilled in us a sense of hope and we began treatments for Luna . This hope created a happy , healthy home environment for Luna ( and us ) . I think when we feel we are going to lose someone we love we naturally tend to want to avoid them because it is simply too painful to interact with them knowing they will soon be gone . But when there is hope , when you hold in your heart the possibility of a miracle , you actually seek out interaction because you want to encourage and support what is so precious to you . This hope was good for Luna to feel and it was good for me and Brad because it allowed us to sleep at night and get through our days . Because of the virus , many things changed in our house very quickly . Luna 's appetite completely disappeared . The only way she would eat would be if we hand fed her , literally one kibble at a time . Over the course of a day it would take about two hours to get enough food into her for her to maintain her weight . At first we didn 't know how we were going to be able to devote this amount of time to sitting with her to hand feed her . But we quickly adapted and came to realize how much time we actually spend each day in wasteful pursuits . Over the course of the month of her illness , Brad and I both dropped many of the social media and television distractions we had grown so accustomed to and suddenly found we actually had so much more time in the day to focus on what was truly important . The news of Luna 's illness shocked us and I think a great deal of our suffering came from the expectation we all have that things in the material world are going to last - be it a relationship with a friend , a family member , a partner , or a pet . If we enjoy the relationship we create this expectation that it will simply go on indefinitely . Or in the case of a kitten , at least 12 - 15 years , which is the normal life span of most cats . We quickly realized that by holding onto this expectation , we were contributing to our own suffering . And by letting it go , we were much more able to appreciate the time we had already had and whatever time we had left with Luna in a much deeper , more meaningful way . Over the past month we treated Luna with all different modalities of healing , including Western Medicine , Acupuncture , Reiki , herbs , and toward the very end we brought in an animal shaman named Rose De Dan . We brought in Rose to get an idea of what Luna was going through and where she was at emotionally and spiritually in the process . At the point we brought in Rose , Luna had not eaten for almost three days and was very weak and could no longer go up or down the stairs in our house , which only weeks before she would zoom up and down in a flash . There was agreement among all of her doctors and caregivers that Luna was not suffering . So before she did , we made an appointment for a home euthanasia . We had scheduled for this to happen last Monday at 2 : 30pm . The previous day , Luna had enjoyed a beautiful sunny afternoon where she spent the whole day on her favorite perch bathing in the sun and feeling the cool breeze from the open window in her fur . Three hours before helping Luna transition , she had her meeting with Rose . When Rose began to communicate with Luna in order to prepare her for what was to happen in a few hours , Rose said that Luna immediately shut the conversation down . Rose said the image she got was a door slamming in her face . Luna told Rose that she was still fighting . The next image Rose saw was Luna at the edge of a cliff . Rose explained that when an animal is close to death she almost always sees this image , and depending on how close the animal is to the edge of the cliff signifies how close the animal is to death . Rose told us that Luna was still about four feet from the edge . And then she described something that surprised both her and us . Rose said that Luna was not facing the edge and the dark valley below , but had her back to it . She said Luna 's face was turned toward the sun and her back was in shadow . Brad and I interpreted this to mean that Luna was still fighting for her life and we decided to cancel the home euthanasia , and at least as long as she was not suffering , to allow things to progress on their own . Rose told Luna that if she was still going to fight she had to start eating again . So we were hoping that she would . But after another full day , it became apparent that she was not interested in eating . And it also became apparent to us that when she told Rose she was still fighting it wasn 't for her life , but for a conscious death . She didn 't want to be euthanized . And the image of her facing the sun instead of the dark valley beyond the edge of the cliff was her turning away from the darkness of ignorance from fear At this point we were under no illusion that she would be cured . But we needed to support her in this process and not cut it off prematurely . As long as she was not suffering we wanted to give her what she wanted . It is said that some of our most important lessons are learned in the days / moments as death approaches . And for a being that only had a year of living this time around , every moment was a valuable and important part of the evolution of her consciousness . Brad and I didn 't want to deny her these precious moments because of our own natural discomfort and fear of the dying process . For Luna , this process began in earnest a day and half later , on Wednesday night at about 9pm . At this point she could no longer walk , so when her breathing became very rapid , we carried her upstairs to a spot she had chosen several days before . Brad and I and Astro were with her through the night . At about 2 : 30am I began to whisper the Gayatri mantra to her . This is the mantra I end all of my meditation sessions with , so she was familiar with it from our many sessions together . It is also the mantra I would chant to her in the car on our way back from each vet appointment to let her know we were going home . The Gayatri is the mantra of light and it seemed to calm her down and slow her breathing . At 5am , Luna stopped breathing and was still . She never suffered . She passed with a whispered sigh . Brad and I sat with her body for an hour . Astro came to see what was happening and literally stepped right over her body , like she wasn 't there , like he didn 't see her . We wrapped her in a cloth and then in the same tapestry we had wrapped George in three years ago . Then we placed her on top of her favorite perch where she would remain for the rest of the day . It is very important when a being dies that the body remain in place for a period of time so as not to confuse the now disembodied soul . Astro immediately jumped up onto his perch right next to hers , where they had spent many hours lying together in the sun . To our amazement we watched as he began to focus on the air about three feet above Luna 's body . Then he began to paw at the air above her , like he was reaching for something only he was seeing . This went on for over a minute . Had Brad and I not seen it for ourselves I 'm not sure we would have believed it in a story . Later that day , we brought Luna 's body in to the vet to be cremated . Since then we have cried through many half eaten dinners . But as time has gone by it has gotten easier to think about her and not be filled with a sense of loss and grief . Astro seems to be doing ok . He is a little more needy for play time these days and wakes us up in the middle of the night for company . We 've told him he is just going to have to get used to being held and hugged even more than usual , both for his sake and for our own . All through Luna 's decline I would kiss her three times on the top of her head and repeat the mantra " You are strong , brave , and wise . " I would do this countless times each day . It seemed to comfort her and she would lean into my kisses and the gentle mantra I offered with them . Thursday was the first morning since we adopted Luna and Astro that she was not next to me when I sat down to meditate . Her favorite toy was a small stuffed raccoon that she would carry around the house in her mouth and drop at our feet as a gift , or leave on the bedroom floor for us to find in the Holding hands It always makes me feel special when animals love to come to my treatment room . Lark always impresses me in that she also can jump up on the couch and sit in a way that I can place all her acupuncture needles and she always has an awareness of where they are , never knocking them out . Lark is one of those animals who is very emotionally sensitive . She likes to connect to those she cares about . I appreciate that I am one of Lark 's people . Today she set her head gently on my hand and so I moved it thinking that she actually wanted to put her head on the couch . When I moved it out of the way she said , " no I meant to do that " and not only placed her head over my hand but also her paw . She wanted to hold hands while she had her acupuncture treatment . It 's small things like this that warm my heart . A long time ago I was told about the basket . The basket is where you put your own emotions , your own problems while you work . It is a common thing for anyone in a health profession . Every morning I get up and I put my own problems in the basket , I put my sorrow for the lovely golden retriever and the Irish setter with the great sense of humor who I both knew for six years who recently passed away , I put my fears over if the 16 year old dog I am seeing that morning will be here next week , I put my worries about if I will be able to help the little dog newly diagnosed with cancer , I put the frustration and unfairness of seeing so much death , I put the guilt from when I can 't help . It all goes in the basket . They say at the end of the day you take that basket down again and you face everything you have put in it . But you know the truth ; most days I can 't face it . Most days I go from work to being a mother to my son , to feeding and loving my four feline companions , to supporting my partner , to making sure we are all feed . Most days by the time I get to a point of taking down the basket I decide I would rather bury myself in a good book and ignore it all . People talk about compassion fatigue . When I worked at the shelter we had workshops on this . You know when you are the one sticking the needle in and killing healthy cats and dogs while trying to save as many as you can there is a lot of that . We all suffered from it . Some days I would go home and lock myself in the bathroom and cry my eyes out but the next day I would get up again , pick myself up and go back to work . I believed that the good I was doing outweighed what we had to do everyday . I still believe that . But there are still nights I have nightmares about all the animals who died at my hand . My work now is different . I no longer have to see animals die because we have too many . I know it happens , just not in front of me . I no longer allow myself to be the one holding the needle in the end . The last euthanasia I did was almost six years ago and with it came up every animal I had put in the basket while I was at the shelter and I vowed that I couldn 't be the person holding the needle any longer . I learned sometimes if you fill it too high the basket will overflow when you don 't want it to . I know it is the time of year when this always comes up for me . I know once we get to summer things will get better again . Less animals die in the summertime . Fall and spring are the hardest for me , for them . I have people ask me why I don 't see more animals , why I only work four days a week . I think what they don 't realize is I need time to get the basket down , I need time to be sad , I need time to not have to keep it together . I need time to curl up in a little ball if I need to or go down and sit by the sea . I need time to love my family , be a mother , be a partner . In doing this I am able to be more present in everything I do . And in this all , the basket is really quite helpful . Because of it , when I am at work , I am able to be there fully . Let me tell you about my work . I love the animals who I work with , I don 't know how to explain how much they touch my heart and teach me . But the part you may not know about is I also get to meet and know some of the most amazing people , people who know the true meaning of love . I feel like I become part of their family and they become part of mine . I have watched children grow up , I watch people navigate through career changes and jobs , I get to hear about the joys and sorrows in people 's lives , I hear about people 's dreams and what they want , I see people grow and change alongside their animals . I see the incredible love that passes because a dog , a cat , a rabbit and their loved human family . I hear when they feel all alone and feel like no one understands how hard it is and what they are going through and their friends say , " its just a dog . " It and not he or she . I get to see the best of people , I see their love , I see how much they care , I see their true essence of who they are shine through . My heart opens every day as I see the care and love people give their animal companions . My work is about loving and sadness , joys and losses , miracles and death . Most people only touch death a few times in their lives . I touch it daily . Sometimes I feel alone because of this . The key is in learning how to touch death and still stay alive inside . The danger is in closing down . I know it is better to feel like I can 't do this anymore than to feel nothing . I know that feelings pass and change . I know that after every hard week or day there are easier ones . After every difficult appointment there is someone who makes me laugh , some dog who kisses me on the face , a pug who comes in dancing , a poodle who comes in laughing , a mutt with the funniest ears and expressions . Of course let 's not forget the cats who spring up on the couch and declare that they are king of the universe for that hour as we blink at each other and pass cat kisses back and forth . I ask myself how could I possibly not do what I do . I would miss all this so much . This is what keeps me going day after day . This is what gets me up in the morning . So it 's strange that the same thing that makes me think I can 't continue is the same thing that makes it so I can continue . It is what I get every day from those I love and work with both human and animal . In love is sorrow , in sorrow is love . This is the risk we all take in loving . Sometimes I just need to remember that I am human . I can 't save everyone , there are too many animals for me to help them all , I can 't be two places at once and sometimes it 's ok to lose it , to let the basket overflow . Sometimes it is ok to cry especially when I have loved . After all there is always a fuzzy being there to lick away my tears and make me smile . And in this comes healing . Did I mention that I have the best job in the world ? Posted in animal stories | 2 Comments » Driving back full of excitement because my son Martin 's band had just won the Peakfeast Battle of the Bands on Mercer Island . In the lights something running along the road but something is very wrong . Hard to tell at first , is it a dog ? Some other animal ? As we get closer I see it is a deer , running on her knees , hind legs broken , one hanging off almost severed . She hauls herself out of the road and on to the narrow walk along Island Crest Way but keeps on going , throwing her body down every step , in a panic . We pull over flashers on , who to call ? Animal Control doesn 't come out in the middle of the night . There is no one for this deer . Thinking , if nothing else she is a traffic hazard , dialing 911 , feeling bad to bother them when maybe I shouldn 't but who else to call ? The woman on the phone is very nice , says she will see if she can find someone for me but doesn 't know if she will be able to . I get off the phone with the 911 operator , tell the man who pulled over I am a vet and I will see what I can do . The deer has stopped , lying panting , in shock , in pain . I call to my son to get the blanket we keep in the car for our dog . If nothing else I can calm her by covering her eyes , remembering some of my wildlife training for smaller animals . I throw the blanket over her and she calms down , I bend down feeling her heart beating fast , she is so scared . Trying to send her calming thoughts . Hoping that her heart will just stop under my hand . I think maybe we can get her to emergency , we try to lift her , I never realized how much a deer weighs , too much to lift and really am I going to be able to get her in the back seat of my little car . Feeling despair . Thinking is there a way I can kill her quickly with my hands , I have done that for smaller animals that are suffering , I hate doing it , it is brutal but humane and fast . This deer is too big , I can 't break her neck . The man with me , we are both willing to do anything we can for her but we are mostly helpless . Yet neither of us or my son Martin is willing to leave her . The lights of a police car showing up offer so much relief . They may be able to at least help get her to someone who can end her life quickly . He shakes his head , there is no one who will come out and help her , I can tell he is sad also . He tells me gently that he can shoot her . As sad as he is about this I feel so much relief , I did not know that he would be willing to do this . He can end her life quickly and stop her suffering . It is no small thing to offer to shoot another living being but it is the greatest kindness that he can offer . I tell him , I 'm a vet , that is what she needs , I tell him how injured she is . Not the greatest surgeon could put this little one right again . I touch his shoulder and thank him , I 've never touched a police officer before but it seems right . I know he is doing the right thing and it is out of kindness . He looks at the man 's daughter looking out the window and my son standing by and tells us the best thing we can do is move on so we don 't have to witness what he has to do . Another great kindness , he offers us all . A little after midnight I get a call from the police officer . He lets me know that the deer is gone and that he has found a native tribe will be coming to take her body , use the meat , honor her . He thanks me for all I did for her before he arrived . I don 't feel like I did much , how can you leave an animal to suffer alone ? I thank him , he had the hard part . I so appreciate what he did , he didn 't have to do it , but he did . He gives us some closure with the call . I hope that it doesn 't take too big a piece of him to have to kill another animal , because in meeting his eyes I know he did it fully with kindness and respect for her . No one could have done more . He was truly her savior that evening . Sometimes death is the kindest thing we can offer . When we first were fostering Alli , I soon feared that she just was not going to be able to live with cats . Alli had been a street dog in Taiwan and it just made sense , small fuzzy things equaled food , not friends . My husband Adam encouraged me to not give up on her but I was worried our cats were going to get hurt . Any movement from our cats and she would go into prey mode . One time she actually came away with a mouth full of hair , which really scared me . Luckily early on we went to a meet up with other people who had adopted Formosan Mountain dogs from Taiwan and received some great advice . " Don 't give up ! My dog was like that at first also and now the cats and dogs coexist just fine . " First and most important - make sure your cats are safe . We made sure Alli was in the bedroom when we were not home or not close by . Crating would also be a good option . We bought a bunch of baby gates and when Alli was out with us she was gated in the living room . The cats could jump in and out but she could not follow them . We always had a leash on her so that we could grab her quickly . Explain what you want - Formosans are smart . So are many other dogs . Alli had puppies when she came to this country - she took good care of them . We explained to her that the cats were like puppies . You didn 't want them to walk all over you but you had to take good care of them and make sure they did not get hurt . We started calling the cats " catpuppies . " This got us in the mindset of believing that she would be able to take care of the catpuppies and not hurt them . Dogs look to us for their cues and if we believed it she would to . Make sure she knows that you are in charge of the situation and house . Alli is a smart dog , if I am not in charge , she will be . Everytime Alli would look like she was about to chase a " catpuppy " or even thinking about chasing a " catpuppy " I would stand in front of her and say " Mine , leave it ! " in a stern voice . Don 't give up . It was a lot of work and took about two months but we now have a dog who loves her " catpuppies . " We knew we were there when a friend brought her puppy over to our house . He gave chase after one of our cats and Alli jumped in front of him and backed him down growling , " Mine , leave it ! " Joe always told me how fast Cosmo was . In his younger days he could outrun anyone , faster than the wind . By the time I meet him he had slowed down quite a bit but he still had fire in his eyes . He was tired but not ready to give up . His prognosis was poor . Because the tumor that was found on his liver had been bleeding it was likely to continue and probably take his life sometime in the next few months . Luckily my favorite western vet , Tim Kraabel , had already sent Joe down to the International District for Yunnan Baiyao and for the time being the bleeding had stopped . Cosmo settled in for his first acupuncture treatment and relaxed into the needles . That was one of the last times he made my job so easy . He was one of those dogs that acupuncture really energized and as he started to feel better and better I got to see Cosmo 's goofy side . He loved waiting until me and Joe were distracted and then shake , throwing needles around the room . I swear he was laughing as he would do it . Of course it wasn 't in spite , he did like his acupuncture just perhaps felt we were a little too dull for his taste . " Enough of this zen stuff , let 's have some fun ! " I think Cosmo got his attitude about life from Joe . I always knew when Cosmo was on my schedule that I was going to have a good day and get to laugh and smile a bit . Both Joe and Cosmo approached life with love and excitement . Joe often told me that he believed that his buddy was going to do well and would picture him being happy and healthy . I know Joe 's attitude helped Cosmo do better . There is a lot of power in positive thought . I also know that Cosmo held a special place in Joe 's life because of his family being on the other coast . We pulled up to your office and Cosmo could not wait to get out of my car . It was as if he actually knew where we were going . Once you opened the door and welcomed us in , Cosmo began wagging his tail , in excitement . It had been a couple of long days before we met where I had doubts that I would ever see him wag his tail again … We met Dr . Kraabel at the Lien Animal Clinic . The vet knew right away that Cosmo was in severe distress . After several tests were conducted to diagnose what actually was going on with Cosmo , it was determined that Cosmo was bleeding internally from an apparent mass on his liver . ( He was diagnosed with Cushings Disease over a year ago back east ) Dr . Kraabel stabilized Cosmo and told me to take him home for the night and not make any decisions until morning . Dr . Kraabel did inform me about your practice and a Chinese herb , Yunnan Baiyao ( also known as Yunnan Paiyao ) , that has worked on other dogs in stopping internal bleeding . After arranging for Cosmo 's " nanny " Michele Liese to come over and watch him , I immediately drove to the International district and picked up a supply of Yunnan Paiyao . While I was gone , Michele , ( owner of an outstanding dog walking / dog care service in West Seattle ) , read all about the herb and felt really confident that it would work . Within an hour of giving Cosmo the first capsule , he was noticeably better . I brought him back to Lien a couple of days later , and they determined that the internal bleeding had , indeed , stopped . I was ecstatic , Cosmo wagged his tail with approval . By the time I brought him in for his first acupuncture , he had improved so much , he was back to himself . Doc , you welcomed us to your practice , gave Cosmo a treat , and from the time you inserted the first acupuncture needle into my buddy , you began to turn the clock back . Cosmo just lay there content and actually sighed a few times acknowledging his pleasurable treatment . There were of course , other moments where he would attempt to shake as if to dry himself off , as we both covered up from the " projectiles " shooting off his body . And , of course , the acupuncture relaxed him so much that there were moments when he would let them rip , very quietly but strongly , and in close quarters . You took it all in stride and just laughed . I took Cosmo to you every 2 weeks and after each visit , it was like he was touched by an angel . He grew stronger and acted younger as if the clock was being turned backwards . We continued with the treatments for over nine months , nine months that I never thought I would have with my best friend . We lived in West Seattle for over 1 year when I decided it was time to go back home to my family . It was a very difficult decision to leave because of the amazing things that you did for Cosmo . We drove back home 3000 miles across this great country with Cosmo as my navigator . He was an amazing companion the whole 4 plus day ride home . I never imagined that I would be going back home with Cosmo after all that he had been through , but I owe it all to you and your amazing skills , compassion and humanity . Doc , you gave my buddy and me another year of wonderful life . On New Year 's Eve , December 31 , 2012 , Cosmo passed away peacefully . He was free from his tired and broken body . He was nearly 14 years old . My heart is broken and he is sorely missed . I cannot ever put into words how truly grateful I am to you Doc for giving me an extra year with my beloved dog , Cosmo . Cosmo was the most incredible dog a man could have ever been blessed to have in his life . He was truly a noble creature in his prime and full of grace at his death . So Ali has been laid up after getting a deep laceration over her wrist . The poor girl had been with bandage and e collar for over a week and boy was she getting tired of it . On Tuesday I finally took her sutures out and she was super excited , bouncing up and down and wanting to go for a walk . Well my husband Adam came home at that exact moment and out the door Ali went … and out the gate , which was not closed all the way . And she loves Mud Bay . They have nice people who have very yummy food and Ali loves food . And she often gets to pick out her own treat when we go in . Often if we go for a walk and get to the corner where the Mud Bay is , she will try to drag me down there . Ali did not actually make it to the Mud Bay that day , someone was able to stop her for me a few steps away . At least now I know if she bolts out the door again , I can just go and collect her at the Mud Bay counter . Of course we will do our best to avoid it all in the future by being more careful with the gate . Yesterday we braved the rain to go to Marymoor for a Formosan Mountain Dog meet up . There were about fifteen dogs of many different colors and coats but all around the same size and shape . We had our big moment when I let Ali off leash for the first time outside our yard . She exceeded my expectations by not only coming back when she was called but also keeping an eye on either Adam or me . It was more like she was watching us to make sure we didn 't run away then that we were watching her . She seemed to be saying , " now that I have people who feed me and love me I am not losing track of them ! " It was so much fun to see her running free and getting to play with other dogs . The people there were great and we got to hear so many stories about these brave , loving and intelligent dogs . They were excited to offer us advice on cats , training and being able to let go of a loved foster . Many of the dogs there had much rougher lives than Ali , being hit by cars , having broken body parts , and having rubber bands put around their necks which slowly dig into the flesh and is a way dogs are sometimes killed in Taiwan . In spite of all this I saw an amazing group of dogs just enjoying themselves . A few days ago Ali started stealing our socks and putting them in her bed so she could suck on them . She had had no interest in toys up until that point . We decided to take her up to the Mud Bay to buy her some things since we preferred she have her own instead of the socks , even though she was gentle with them . We bought her an earth stuffed toy full of little earths . When we got home she was super excited , shaking the big earth and throwing the little earths into the air and running after them and pouncing on them . It was so fun to see this former street dog having fun ! Her favorite new toys are a little duck and chicken that make bird sounds given to her by my friend and local shaman Rose De Dan . You should have seen Ali 's eyes light up when Rose made the chicken make the chicken sound and then handed it to her . Ali walked around with it in her mout , h so proud , and then lay it at the front door so she would not forget to take it with her when she left . These toys were favorites of Rose 's dog Puma who recently passed away and I think that makes them even more special . Ali now sleeps with the chicken between her paws at night . Yesterday after the park we met up with Rose and a friend of hers at the PCC . Ali 's hips were a little sore after the park and they gave her some reiki work , which she really enjoyed . Rose 's friend had recently been diagnosed with cancer and Ali seemed to sense that she needed some comfort . She lay down against her in the parking lot of the PCC offering love , energy and support . It seems I have a little healer dog in my hands . I have found when I am upset or if Adam and me get in an argument she is quick to offer her comfort to him or me in a gentle but firm way . So on to the cats . Despite what I thought Ali has decided that she might be able to live with cats . We had a trainer out yesterday morning who pointed out that she could have easily already killed a cat if she wanted to . As I write she is laying in the middle of our living room with a cat sitting behind her and next to me on the couch grooming himself . One of our other cats just announced herself , jumped over the baby gate and walked in front of Ali . Ali lifted her head to watch but that was all . So the jury is still out on that one but it looked like with enough work it might be possible . It helps that the cats are also learning not to run in front of her . Meanwhile Ali has decided that she needs to guard the house for us . Unfortunately she sees the paperboy as a threat and since he comes at 4 : 45am wakes us up . The easiest solution seems to be to cancel the paper and get a good night sleep instead . I could write so much about this special little girl but I 'll leave it at that . I do want to leave you with a video of the shelter most of these Taiwanese dogs come from . The numbers alone are amazing and the work the volunteers do with these dogs are heartwarming . Surprise number one was that Ali came potty trained - I certainly was not expecting that . Not only is she potty trained but she will not poop on our property and prefers not to pee in the yard if she can help it . It means walks are very important but that she is a very clean and neat dog . However it was difficult last week because she accidentally ate some old cat vomit . Very gross ! This gave her diarrhea and since she wouldn 't poop in the yard it meant a night of me not understanding why she keep needing to go outside but would then kept run to the gate and jump up and down to get out of the yard . I was convinced that she hated us because we were not keeping her permanently and she had figured that out and was trying to run away in the night . Instead she was desperately trying to say , " please , please let me out , I really , really need to poop ! " The other thing that I really didn 't consider is how smart Ali is , and not in a Border collie or lab kind of way . We don 't have natural selection in our dogs in the United States . We pick and bred mostly for looks or for very specific intelligence traits . Ali is here because her parents knew how to make it on the streets . They knew how to blend in , get food , read people very , very well and get along . I feel like Ali constantly watches us and learns from us . She also is the only dog I have met who doesn 't get tangled on a leash . The second the leash is in the wrong place she corrects it . When I walk her I feel more like I am working with a trained dressage horse . It seems like she can read my mind on where we are going and what my next thought is just by observing my body language . Yesterday we were at the Fremont street fair with Ali and it was very crowded . She did very well , greeting people and other dogs in our path nicely until we hit the food and then she because completely crazed . There were all these people with plates of yummy smelling food and she wanted some , even more , she needed some . It was if her survival depended on it and it probably did at some time in her life . Before I knew it I had a dog dancing on the end of the leash . She would bound into the air , balancing on her hind legs and looking very cute in front of everyone we passed with the plate of food . Not the easiest thing to deal with when you are the person on the other end of the leash . I felt like I had a circus dog ! I 'm sure she learned to stand on her hind legs to look cute and get food and that is how she survived on the streets . We finally took her aside and feed her a whole lot of jerky treats we had picked up from the Darwin 's pet food booth . After that she calmed down a bit but still wanted to dance in front of people . I 'm thinking there may be a good trick in this once we get all the basics down . Right now we are still back at sit and stay . The cats are a bit harder . I think she has learned that if something small runs you chase it . One of my older cats quickly put her in her place by whacking her on the nose early on . That one whack sent her yelping to the far end of the room and since then the two of them are fine together . The two younger boys are a different story . We are slowly all learning to coexist and she does fine with them if she is on leash or if someone is petting her . We are trying to teach that very good things happen ( you get lots of love ) if you are in the room with cats and don 't chase them . I am hopeful that she will get this with more time and we have a trainer coming out on Saturday to help us with the process . I keep on thinking she is going to finally get this cat thing down right before she gets adopted . But that will be good for her because it means she can go to a home with cats . However I picture my cats saying , " so we finally become friends with the dog and right when she is fun you get rid of her . What gives here ? " The third thing I didn 't realize is how hard it is going to be to give his girl up . She has now bonded with me , Adam and Martin . She sleeps with us at night . She is with me almost all the time when I am not working . And she is so sweet and loving and is starting to feel like a member of the family . I look into her eyes and worry about her feeling like we have betrayed her when she goes to a new family . At the same time I know we are giving her an excellent start in this country and in her new life . I know that with time she will get used to a new family and learn to love them as much as she loves us . And if they can provide plates of yummy food even better ! In Taiwan there is estimated to be between 500 , 000 - 1 , 000 , 000 stray dogs on the streets , yes that is a million . Dogs are viewed as a nuisance by some and there are those that put out inhumane bear leg traps . Dogs end up losing parts of their legs in the process and many die horrible deaths from abuse or starvation . There are of course many dog lovers there also but the number of strays is too overwhelming to be solved by simple adoption - there is too many . Sometimes you have to focus on the branches in order to tackle the root of a problem . When we focus on the branches instead of the root by bringing dogs to this country , we are also helping the groups over there that are striking at the roots of the problem through spay and neuter and education . It is a long hard road they are on and being able to look some of these dogs in the eyes and tell them that there is hope and that they can be loved and respected , is a big thing to these rescue workers when you see so much suffering on a daily basis . Believe me , when I did shelter work , if I had to go to work each day just to spay / neuter and euthanize I would not have been able to do it very long . It was the fact that I was able to help individual animals , be able to look in their eyes and say , " we will find you a better home . " Without this I could not have done the hard parts of my job . Salty Dog Rescue is the Seattle group , which brought Ali over here . They have a list of dogs up for adoption and who need foster homes . They also have links to articles on the animal abuse in Taiwan . All the photographs of dogs in this article are looking for homes , click on their photos for more information . |
Three days after my eighteenth birthday , I went camping with five friends . We stayed up pretty late , sitting around a campfire in the hills of Colorado , drinking beer and telling jokes . As I look back , I realize that we were all nerds . No one got totally drunk , and there were no fights . Eventually , we retired to our respective two - man tents for some sleep . I shared a tent with Paul - the oldest member of the group . He was twenty years old . We were in our sleeping bags and talking when Paul asked me if I had ever played a game called " Rubbing Wieners " . I woke up with the worst headache I had ever experienced . It was nearly noon . Kevin had gone to off to work a few hours earlier , and I hadn 't even heard him get up . The alcohol I had abundantly consumed the night before was taking its revenge . With rubbery muscles I managed to get out of bed and move down to the bathroom at the end of the hall . Downstairs , I heard the soft chatter of the elderly owner of the house and her guest . Inside the bathroom I pissed for what seemed to be thirty minutes , and then returned to my room to get some clothes . I stunk . I smelled very bad . I had slept in my alcohol and cigarette smelling clothes all night . I also think I may have vomited on myself in the middle of the night . What I needed was a long hot shower . I gathered my clean clothes and retraced my steps to the bathroom . I undressed and went to work at rigging the shower . It was an awful task . I wondered if all bathrooms in England were like the one that I had to use every morning . My landlady , Mrs . Collins , must have bought the porcelain tub when she was in her twenties , and its fixtures were probably taken from an even older tub . In order to take a shower ( if that 's what you could call it ) , you had to connect the showerhead to the tub 's faucet . It screwed on . Once connected , however , there wasn 't any place to hang it . I had to hold onto it throughout my shower . The thing was only about two feet long , so I couldn 't stand up with it . Instead , I had to either sit or kneel in the tub . I wondered what was going through Mrs . Collins ' mind the day she saw this in the store . She may have had a drinking problem at the time , too . I completed the pre - shower ritual and turned the water on to get it warmed up . Mrs . Collins had warned Kevin and me that we weren 't to have a shower any longer than eight minutes ( I don 't know why eight ) . I quickly got into the tub and squatted down . I poured the water over me with my eyes closed . I had flashes of what had occurred the night before . Had I really fucked a stranger on the train ? And Kevin , he looked like an old pro screwing that guy . I smiled at the images of Kevin pounding the man 's ass . My cock began to grow . I stopped myself from jerking off , knowing that I didn 't have time to waste in my shower . I went back to the task of washing myself . I was starting to feel a little better . My cock was begging me to touch it . It stood straight out from my body , but I ignored it . It would have to wait until I was done . With my shower nearly done , I reached for the towel on the floor and began drying my hair . I turned the water off , stood up , and continued drying my body . Then , without warning , the door opened . My fear was that Mrs . Collins was coming in and she would see me with my six - and - a - half inch erection pointing toward her . Instead , her grandson Mitchell strolled in . Mitchell visited his grandmother frequently , but never really spoke to Kevin or me . To be fair , we never spoke to him . He was probably about five years older than we were , quiet and shy . He had a trim build with blond hair and green eyes . I would say he was attractive , but not stunning . No one I would pick out of a crowd . She finished her dinner , keeping an eye on the window at the end of her kitchen table . She liked having the furniture arranged this way because it gave her a great view while eating , and she knew it would be perfect for later . It was not quite dark yet . . . it would probably be another half hour or so . She rinsed her bowl and put it in the dishwasher , wiped off the table and took a last look around to make sure things were neat . He stabbed at the button in the elevator for his floor . He was pissed that he had to work overtime , but he had managed to get things wrapped up so he could get home before dark . Anyway , working overtime was a good excuse not to go out with the guys for a beer . For the last week or so , getting home quickly had been a priority . He hurriedly unlocked his apartment door , walked in , and threw his briefcase on the chair . He looked out the window … still about twenty minutes of daylight left . That gave him enough time to gobble down pizza from last night and go through the mail . He had thrown most of his mail in the garbage , put the cable bill on the desk , and tossed his plate in the sink with the others . He peered across the street - an alley really - and noticed that she had moved the furniture in her kitchen . Strange for the kitchen table to be up against the window , but he remembered that he too had recently changed his furniture around as well , and his big leather chair also faced the window . She stepped out of the shower and toweled off . She released the clip that had held her long blonde hair out of the water , and brushed her hair with long , luxurious strokes . She stepped into the thong and brought it up to her damp mound . Was she still wet from the shower or already wet for what awaited her ? She didn 't know , and frankly didn 't care . She slipped the camisole over her head and looked at herself in the mirror . Her ample breasts filled out the camisole nicely and her nipples were more than visible through the thin fabric . She turned to her closet and considered her shoes . He turned off the lights in his apartment , except for the floor lamp next to his chair . He settled in facing the open window , put his drink on the end table and waited with anticipation . He only had to wait a few minutes . Kevin and Pete had gotten back to the hotel room a little worse for wear after an evening of beer at the ' Beer Festival ' . The two buddies both tumbled into the one double bed in the room , exhausted and drunk , more than disappointed that they hadn 't scored any tasty women to finish the night off with a good fucking . But then they thought that maybe the following night would perhaps be a little more productive . Both passed out almost immediately . After a couple of hours sleep , Kevin started to come around , and his movement roused his friend Pete . Both lying on top of the bedding , fully dressed , it was clearly evident both had awoken sporting a couple of hard - ons in their jeans . This , of course , was a normal occurrence for sleeping males , but in this case both guys were also extremely horny after having scoped out all the scantily clad women at the beer festival . Pete propped himself on one elbow to watch as Kevin pulled his thick , long , rigid cock from his jeans . " That 's a pretty nasty fucking hard - on , buddy , " he said . " I pity the poor cunt you 'd have pounded with that fucker , if we 'd gotten any . " Jim Spencer was a bright , athletic and good - looking kid who should 've been at the top of his class . Unfortunately , he was totally out of control , and all of the teachers were really fed up with his classroom antics . As the principal of the high school he attended , I was responsible for discipline , and so I saw Jim in my office at least once a week . He was on his way in again , and I sat behind my desk , wondering how to get through to him . Jim opened the door and stepped inside , a smug little smirk on his face . He was wearing his gym clothes , which meant he 'd gotten Coach Peterman 's goat , which wasn 't easy . I shook my head in disgust and stared up at him . Jim was easy to look at . His bare legs were sleek , with a runner 's finely tuned muscles , and his stretched - out tank - top wasn 't doing much to hide his muscular torso . At eighteen , Jim 's body was in fine shape ; pecs , lats , deltoids , you name it , all emerging from gawky boyhood to the first glow of his young manhood . As I looked at him , he reached down and idly scratched his balls . " Careful , Spencer , " I growled , my face going scarlet . " You 're stepping over the line , son . " I was within a heartbeat of decking the young fool . I took a deep breath and tried to control my temper . " What 're you going to do about it , Jordan ? Spank me ? " His tone was maddening . " Come on , wimp . Why don 't you try to do something ? " Will paced his apartment . EJ was coming over , and Will had rehearsed the conversation over and over in his head . He would still work for EJ , still do his campaign work and still keep quiet about everything , but Will was not going to have sex with him anymore . EJ was with Nicole . Will wanted to pursue Sonny , and the situation was far too dangerous for them to continue . If Sonny had figured out what was going on , others would , too . Will heard a key in the door , and he knew it was EJ . It was his building , so of course he had a key . The door opened , and he strode in with a look of pure mischief on his face . Will shifted on his feet . As strange as it felt , he actually supported EJ 's candidacy . " As a matter a fact I do . In this economy , we need a tough mayor … someone who will do whatever it takes to get the economy going . " Will leaned back against the bar . " As weird as it sounds , you 've convinced me that you want to be mayor to help the city . " EJ pulled something else out of the bag : a small oblong box . EJ opened it , and he pulled out a pair of handcuffs . Against his will , Will 's crotch constricted and his heart started to beat . Will didn 't hesitate . He did exactly as EJ ordered , tossing his t - shirt aside . Will felt possessed , like he had no free will . Will , adrenalized by his confrontation with his mother and feeling buoyantly happy , followed Dustin and Kareem through Horton Square to an apartment complex occupied mostly by graduate students . They took the elevator to the seventh floor , and Will noticed Dustin looking at him several times during the trip up . Kareem also glanced at him a few times . Dustin and Kareem laughed . Dustin placed a hand on Will 's shoulder affectionately . Will shook his head . He really didn 't know what he 'd said . But the elevator reached the correct floor , and the three of them headed to the apartment . Inside , dance music blared and about a dozen young men mulled around the apartment 's living room . Will 's eyes moved to the corner , where two of the young men were gently kissing each other . He recognized one as Tyler . Will couldn 't believe it . He was out to Sonny and now to Dustin and Kareem and all of these guys . It felt wonderful . He really was free . Dean had been going out with my older brother , Matt , for about two years when I found out he 'd screwed another guy , a guy named Eric . Worse yet , Eric was a good friend of Matt 's . I knew I could use this to my advantage . I was eighteen and devious . I 'd had a huge crush on Dean from the first time Matt had brought him home . He was twenty - two , and had a broad hairless chest and big muscled shoulders . His face was masculine and he was quick with a smile . I loved hanging out with him , and always tried to see him without his shirt on . He came away with us one summer up to the beach house , and I loved seeing him in his shorts and nothing else . He was my fantasy man , which led to many a time of me fucking myself with my dildo , pretending it was his cock in me , while rubbing my clit to orgasm . I still couldn 't believe he was gay . No one would ever think it . He was the epitome of the ' typical ' straight man in appearance and demeanor . But not only was he gay , he was one of those gay men that was disgusted by the very thought of getting anywhere near a pussy , let alone sticking their dick in one . I found out he screwed Eric because I overheard a telephone conversation between the two . Dean had been spending the weekend at our house while mom and dad were away at the beach house . Matt was in the shower and Dean thought he was the only other person in the house . He was , until I 'd come home and ( unintentionally ) picked up the phone , finding that Dean was using the one in the bedroom . I heard them talking about how nobody could find out that they 'd fucked , and Eric was going on and on saying how much he really liked Dean , but he promised him that he wouldn 't say anything . I listened to the whole thing , and suddenly had the most amazing idea ! So , one day when I knew that Matt was working , I went over to Dean 's house . He lived in a small apartment on the other side of town and worked from home . He was surprised to see me , but invited me in . We were sitting on the couch and I could tell he wondered what I was doing there . He sat back on the couch with a smile on his face . God , he was sexy . I was so hoping that my plan would work . " What 's that ? " he asked casually . He had no idea what I was about to suggest . The color drained from his face and he stared at me . " Shit , " he said under his breath a moment later . " How did you find out ? Does Matt know ? " " You must be out of your fucking mind ! " he said . " I 'm a fag , in case you 've forgotten . I don 't do pussy . I 'm not gonna start now , and I definitely wouldn 't start with you , even if I had the inkling , which trust me , I never will . You 're my boyfriend 's sister for Christ 's sake ! Jesus Christ Kelly , are you drunk or high or something or think this is actually a funny joke to play , because I know you can 't be serious ! " He was raving . I just let him rant . It didn 't worry me . I felt pretty sure he 'd agree to my conditions . He was deeply in love with Matt , and the two were even planning to get married at some point . ( Gay marriage is legal where we live ) . I loved my brother , but , still , right then , in that moment , I wanted Dean 's cock in my pussy more than anything else in the world ! " I 'm completely sober and totally serious . All I want is your cock in my tight pussy . If you don 't do it , then I 'll tell Matt what I heard on the phone . He 'll dump you , you know he will , " I said , smugly . " Dean . I only want you to do this once . And I promise I 'll never ask again , and I will never say anything to Matt about Eric . " He didn 't say anything , rather just lay back on the couch with his hands over his face . He was thinking . I sat across from him , staring at the bulge in his pants . God , it was big , and he was so cute . He was silent and just looked at me for a long time . " I can 't fuckin ' believe this , " he finally said . " I thought you were a nice girl , but today you 've shown me what a little cunt you really are . " Dean had been going out with my older sister , Helen , for about two years when I found out he 'd screwed a girl he worked with named Gina . I knew I could use this to my advantage . Dean also worked for my dad , and so if he got found out he 'd not only lose his girlfriend , but he 'd have to look for another job , too . I was eighteen and devious . I 'd had a huge crush on Dean from the first time Helen had brought him home . He was twenty - two , and had a broad hairless chest and big muscled shoulders . His face was masculine and he was quick with a smile . I loved hanging out with him , and always tried to see him without his shirt on . He came away with us one summer up to the beach house , and I loved seeing him in his shorts and nothing else . He was my fantasy material for most of my whacking off sessions . I found out he 'd screwed Gina because I overheard a telephone conversation between the two . I 'd ( unintentionally ) picked up the phone finding that Dean was using the one in the bedroom . Helen had gone shopping and Dean thought he was home by himself . I heard them talking about how nobody could find out that they 'd fucked , and Gina was crying saying she really liked him , but she promised him that she wouldn 't say anything . I listened to the whole thing , and wondered how I 'd use the information . So , one Saturday when I knew that Helen was working , I went over to Dean 's house . He lived in a small apartment on the other side of town . He was surprised to see me , but invited me in and even gave me a beer . We were sitting on the couch and I could tell he wondered what I was doing there . The color drained from his face and he stared at me . " Shit , " he said quietly under his breath a moment later . " How did you find out ? Does Helen know ? " " You must be out of your fucking mind ! " he said . " I 'm not a fag . And I 'm not going to fuck you in your … ass . I didn 't even know you were into dudes . Jesus Christ Matthew , what are you thinking ? " He was raving . I just let him rant . It didn 't worry me . I felt pretty sure he 'd agree to my conditions . He was in love with Helen , and probably wanted to marry her . But I didn 't care about that . I wanted his cock up my tight hole ! " Dean . I only want you to do this once . And I promise I 'll never ask again , and I will never say anything to Helen about Gina . " He didn 't say anything , but lay back on the couch with his hands over his face . He was thinking . I sat across from him , staring at the bulge in his pants . God , he was cute . My husband , Brian , and I are very much in love . Our sex life was great , very active , and fulfilling . We were both very adventurous when it came to sex , and although we had so far confined our sex life to the marriage bed , we had , on many occasions , discussed having a ménage a trois . My husband of course , like most red - blooded heterosexual men , wanted it to be with another woman . After quite a bit of persisting from my husband we finally decided to turn the fantasy into a reality , and after quite a while of searching for just the right person , my husband and I invited another woman into our bed . Brian and I talked in great detail before it happened , and we had agreed that he would not penetrate her pussy with his cock unless I asked him to . Furthermore , Brian asked me to allow myself to pleasure and be pleasured by the other woman . . . as that would be much more exciting , he thought , for everyone . I wasn 't bisexual at all - the thought of another woman didn 't really do it for me - but I acquiesced , and we promised each other that if either of us felt uncomfortable we would stop without any drama and just end the session . We needn 't have worried so much . It turned out to be very exciting and extremely satisfying . It was wonderful for everyone . I tasted my first pussy that night , and actually placed Brian 's cock at another woman 's pussy and asked him to fuck her slowly . He did , of course , while she kissed and licked my pouting pussy lips , nibbling on my clit like no man has ever done . I had multiple orgasms that night ; I just quit counting at three . Finally Brian finished me off with his hard cock . I must admit , I enjoyed the bisexual aspect of the evening , but I still preferred a stiff cock to a wet pussy . After that evening , Brian and I discussed the event many times . It fueled our sex life and we seemed even closer , if that was possible . We both agreed that it was something we wanted to do again , but not something we would do often . Maybe like an exotic vacation , something you do once every few years - maybe . Well , a couple of years went by . Brian and I remained very happy and sexually active - often in our fantasies we would invoke a threesome , or even a foursome . We talked about making our fantasy a reality again . This time I suggested we should invite another man to join us . I expected strong resistance from Brian to that idea , but surprisingly he didn 't object at all . In fact he seemed perfectly ok with it . I was pretty sure he was just doing it for me since I had agreed to a woman , for him , during our first experience . Still , I had to admit , to me , the thought of two rock hard cocks at my beck and call made me flushed and started my juices flowing . Just talking about it got my pussy wet . . . and Brian and I fucked like a couple of horny teenagers that night . " I don 't think either of us would ever betray or cheat on the other , " Brian said . " But if we chose someone local , we would kind of know them after the fact , and we wouldn 't necessarily want to see the person around town after or have them trying to start a friendship with us , or even simply gossiping about what they did with us . " He made a very good point . " Well , he needs to be good - looking , obviously . I don 't want to watch some ugly guy giving it to my wife , " Brian laughed . " And , I would be comfortable choosing a guy with a really big cock . " Now I knew why he hadn 't even tried to object to the idea of it being another man . He wanted to see me getting fucked by a big cock . That gave me an idea . What would he do for me in return ? " It doesn 't have to be anything hard core , but you can 't be homophobic either . After all , if we were all engaged with each other sexually it would be much more fun . That was pretty much the same thing you told me when we had that first threesome and I didn 't think I could do something with another woman , wasn 't it ? " " … but nothing , " I interrupted . " I did that for you because I love you and you said it would turn you on immensely , and it did . This will turn me on and is what I want . Fair is fair , " I said kissing him on the cheek . I married Jane when we were both still in college , a little over ten years ago . They have been a great ten years . I just had my 32nd birthday , and Jane 's is in a couple of months . Jane still looks fantastic . We walk or cycle almost every day , and she teaches an aerobics class at the community center . Her body is firmer and tighter now than it was when I met her . She is 5 ' 6 " , weighs about 110 - 115lbs , and measures in at an eye - catching 36 - 24 - 35 . She has deep green eyes , a great complexion , and bright blonde hair cut in a short , stylish bob . So , when I tell you that just looking at her still makes my heart go pitter - patter , you know why . I 've been monogamous since the day I met Jane , and I 'm sure she has been the same . She wasn 't a virgin when we met . In fact , I started dating Jane after she broke up a very long - term relationship with one of my Frat brothers . I know they had been fucking for years , and sometimes , even today , while daydreaming , the vision of Jane and her ex - boyfriend doing some of the things we have done together has aroused me . Maybe it was so easy for me to picture them together because I knew both of them . Anyway , here we are a successful young couple . We both work for the same very large Corporation . And now we are enjoying the benefits , in our new house with a three - car garage , a yard full of trees , and a hot tub on the deck outside our bedroom . Several weeks ago I received word that Mike , a mutual co - worker and old friend , was returning to headquarters for training . Mike is a great guy , and we were close before he was transferred to Seattle about a year ago . We had been on the company softball team together and had been drinking buddies , and Jane and I had even double - dated with him a time or two . So , when I heard he was coming back to town for a few days , I checked with Jane , and then called him , insisting he stay with us rather than in a hotel . He agreed , immediately . When Mike opened the door to our house , thirty - some people yelled " SURPRISE ! " Jane and I had decided to throw him a little " Welcome Back " party so he could see his old friends again . It was a great party . I was surprised because although Jane and I really didn 't bother with suits , it was only when we were alone . I couldn 't tell if she was a little buzzed , or a little excited , or both . But I knew I was both ! The three of us quickly stripped on the back patio deck . It was obvious in the bright moonlight that Jane was more than buzzed . Her nipples were hard and erect and her skin had that taut , expectant look it gets before we have sex . She was also breathing through her mouth , and her eyes were glued on Mike . And looking at Mike myself , I could now see why he had been such a stud around the office before he was transferred . Besides his rugged good looks and great personality , he had a rather large cock and set of balls hanging between his legs . I noticed he was also watching Jane very closely . John Colaneri walked up to his apartment on the top floor of the converted building he and his family had renovated . His slightly older cousin Anthony lived on the floor below him . Anthony 's parents lived one floor below him . John was tired and didn 't bother to stop in for whatever dish his aunt had cooked up for her work weary men . Instead , he dragged himself up the three flights of stairs and quickly began to strip as soon as he was safely inside his apartment . The warm water felt good on his skin . He lathered up several times and rinsed , enjoying the feel of the water washing away foam . After a few minutes more , John turned off the water and grabbed a fluffy white towel . Patting himself dry , he grabbed his forgotten beer and headed back out to his living room to decide what to do about dinner . He was startled by the presence of his cousin Anthony standing there with a foil covered plate in his hands . John smiled , grateful that he didn 't have to worry about dinner after all . With everyone home , he wasn 't sure his cousin would be paying him a visit this evening , but it looked like Tony had found an excuse to come see him . Not that they needed one . John and Anthony had been close since childhood , despite the fact that Anthony had brothers and sisters . Through the years , their friendship had blossomed into something more ; something they 'd kept secret from their friends and family . My heart sank when I saw Whittaker crumple up and hit the field like a wounded animal . He was my champion athlete and I was counting on him to pull us through in the regional finals next week . Now , he was flat on his back , both hands cupping the considerable bulge in his groin . I got up off the bench and loped across the field to find out what had happened . " Pulled a muscle in my groin , Coach , " he groaned , tears welling up in his eyes . He was a big , strong , eighteen year old man , but right now he looked as helpless as a baby . I helped him up , and slipped an arm around him , half - carrying him back to the locker room . Touching Whittaker was unlike touching any of the other young men I 've coached over the years . Many of them had had great bodies , but Whittaker 's was almost too much to take . His arms and shoulders were tight and thick with muscle , and his chest was a true masterpiece . Right now my fingers were curving under the rise of his big pec and it felt like a warm rock . When he moved it was sheer poetry in motion , and I was convinced that he had a great athletic career ahead of him . " It really hurts , Coach , " he groaned , looking over at me with his big brown eyes . Whittaker 's arm felt good against my neck , his sweat soaking through my t - shirt and rapidly making me a whole lot hotter than the cool fall weather could justify . " You have to make it better . I have to be able to compete this weekend . " " We 'll worry about that later , " I reassured him , giving him a friendly squeeze . " Right now I want to get you inside so I can see how badly you 're hurt . " I tightened my grip on him and bore most of his weight as we descended the stairs . Ryan and Sean had been best friends for as long as they could remember . The two best friends were at Ryan 's , hanging out after school , which was quite usual . No one else was home . " No , he didn 't let me , he didn 't even know . He had to go to the store to get a part for the toilet and left his building keys on top of the toilet tank . When I saw the movie I thought it would be cool to do that , and then realized that I already had a wireless camera . What I didn 't have was a way into someone 's apartment to hide the thing , and figured I never would . But , when I saw the Super 's keys just lying there , it was a once in a lifetime opportunity , so I just grabbed them . " Ryan paid no mind of his friend 's attitude and just continued on . " So I had the keys in my hand , and I knew that I didn 't have much time , so I practically ran to my bedroom and grabbed the wireless camera . Then I ran out the front door , let myself into an apartment , hid the camera , locked the door again , and then ran back to my apartment and put the Super 's keys back on top of the toilet tank , all with just minutes to spare before the Super walked back in to find me sitting on the couch , " Ryan rambled . " Cool , huh ? " It was turned on and the lid was up , although the screen was set to go black after thirty minutes , so it was blank . Sean reached over and moved the mouse . " All I see is your desktop and shortcuts , " Sean said as the screen lit up . " Holy shit ! " Sean said as a window opened and filled the screen with the live image of someone 's bedroom . " You really did do it ! " |
Three days after my eighteenth birthday , I went camping with five friends . We stayed up pretty late , sitting around a campfire in the hills of Colorado , drinking beer and telling jokes . As I look back , I realize that we were all nerds . No one got totally drunk , and there were no fights . Eventually , we retired to our respective two - man tents for some sleep . I shared a tent with Paul - the oldest member of the group . He was twenty years old . We were in our sleeping bags and talking when Paul asked me if I had ever played a game called " Rubbing Wieners " . I woke up with the worst headache I had ever experienced . It was nearly noon . Kevin had gone to off to work a few hours earlier , and I hadn 't even heard him get up . The alcohol I had abundantly consumed the night before was taking its revenge . With rubbery muscles I managed to get out of bed and move down to the bathroom at the end of the hall . Downstairs , I heard the soft chatter of the elderly owner of the house and her guest . Inside the bathroom I pissed for what seemed to be thirty minutes , and then returned to my room to get some clothes . I stunk . I smelled very bad . I had slept in my alcohol and cigarette smelling clothes all night . I also think I may have vomited on myself in the middle of the night . What I needed was a long hot shower . I gathered my clean clothes and retraced my steps to the bathroom . I undressed and went to work at rigging the shower . It was an awful task . I wondered if all bathrooms in England were like the one that I had to use every morning . My landlady , Mrs . Collins , must have bought the porcelain tub when she was in her twenties , and its fixtures were probably taken from an even older tub . In order to take a shower ( if that 's what you could call it ) , you had to connect the showerhead to the tub 's faucet . It screwed on . Once connected , however , there wasn 't any place to hang it . I had to hold onto it throughout my shower . The thing was only about two feet long , so I couldn 't stand up with it . Instead , I had to either sit or kneel in the tub . I wondered what was going through Mrs . Collins ' mind the day she saw this in the store . She may have had a drinking problem at the time , too . I completed the pre - shower ritual and turned the water on to get it warmed up . Mrs . Collins had warned Kevin and me that we weren 't to have a shower any longer than eight minutes ( I don 't know why eight ) . I quickly got into the tub and squatted down . I poured the water over me with my eyes closed . I had flashes of what had occurred the night before . Had I really fucked a stranger on the train ? And Kevin , he looked like an old pro screwing that guy . I smiled at the images of Kevin pounding the man 's ass . My cock began to grow . I stopped myself from jerking off , knowing that I didn 't have time to waste in my shower . I went back to the task of washing myself . I was starting to feel a little better . My cock was begging me to touch it . It stood straight out from my body , but I ignored it . It would have to wait until I was done . With my shower nearly done , I reached for the towel on the floor and began drying my hair . I turned the water off , stood up , and continued drying my body . Then , without warning , the door opened . My fear was that Mrs . Collins was coming in and she would see me with my six - and - a - half inch erection pointing toward her . Instead , her grandson Mitchell strolled in . Mitchell visited his grandmother frequently , but never really spoke to Kevin or me . To be fair , we never spoke to him . He was probably about five years older than we were , quiet and shy . He had a trim build with blond hair and green eyes . I would say he was attractive , but not stunning . No one I would pick out of a crowd . She finished her dinner , keeping an eye on the window at the end of her kitchen table . She liked having the furniture arranged this way because it gave her a great view while eating , and she knew it would be perfect for later . It was not quite dark yet . . . it would probably be another half hour or so . She rinsed her bowl and put it in the dishwasher , wiped off the table and took a last look around to make sure things were neat . He stabbed at the button in the elevator for his floor . He was pissed that he had to work overtime , but he had managed to get things wrapped up so he could get home before dark . Anyway , working overtime was a good excuse not to go out with the guys for a beer . For the last week or so , getting home quickly had been a priority . He hurriedly unlocked his apartment door , walked in , and threw his briefcase on the chair . He looked out the window … still about twenty minutes of daylight left . That gave him enough time to gobble down pizza from last night and go through the mail . He had thrown most of his mail in the garbage , put the cable bill on the desk , and tossed his plate in the sink with the others . He peered across the street - an alley really - and noticed that she had moved the furniture in her kitchen . Strange for the kitchen table to be up against the window , but he remembered that he too had recently changed his furniture around as well , and his big leather chair also faced the window . She stepped out of the shower and toweled off . She released the clip that had held her long blonde hair out of the water , and brushed her hair with long , luxurious strokes . She stepped into the thong and brought it up to her damp mound . Was she still wet from the shower or already wet for what awaited her ? She didn 't know , and frankly didn 't care . She slipped the camisole over her head and looked at herself in the mirror . Her ample breasts filled out the camisole nicely and her nipples were more than visible through the thin fabric . She turned to her closet and considered her shoes . He turned off the lights in his apartment , except for the floor lamp next to his chair . He settled in facing the open window , put his drink on the end table and waited with anticipation . He only had to wait a few minutes . Kevin and Pete had gotten back to the hotel room a little worse for wear after an evening of beer at the ' Beer Festival ' . The two buddies both tumbled into the one double bed in the room , exhausted and drunk , more than disappointed that they hadn 't scored any tasty women to finish the night off with a good fucking . But then they thought that maybe the following night would perhaps be a little more productive . Both passed out almost immediately . After a couple of hours sleep , Kevin started to come around , and his movement roused his friend Pete . Both lying on top of the bedding , fully dressed , it was clearly evident both had awoken sporting a couple of hard - ons in their jeans . This , of course , was a normal occurrence for sleeping males , but in this case both guys were also extremely horny after having scoped out all the scantily clad women at the beer festival . Pete propped himself on one elbow to watch as Kevin pulled his thick , long , rigid cock from his jeans . " That 's a pretty nasty fucking hard - on , buddy , " he said . " I pity the poor cunt you 'd have pounded with that fucker , if we 'd gotten any . " Jim Spencer was a bright , athletic and good - looking kid who should 've been at the top of his class . Unfortunately , he was totally out of control , and all of the teachers were really fed up with his classroom antics . As the principal of the high school he attended , I was responsible for discipline , and so I saw Jim in my office at least once a week . He was on his way in again , and I sat behind my desk , wondering how to get through to him . Jim opened the door and stepped inside , a smug little smirk on his face . He was wearing his gym clothes , which meant he 'd gotten Coach Peterman 's goat , which wasn 't easy . I shook my head in disgust and stared up at him . Jim was easy to look at . His bare legs were sleek , with a runner 's finely tuned muscles , and his stretched - out tank - top wasn 't doing much to hide his muscular torso . At eighteen , Jim 's body was in fine shape ; pecs , lats , deltoids , you name it , all emerging from gawky boyhood to the first glow of his young manhood . As I looked at him , he reached down and idly scratched his balls . " Careful , Spencer , " I growled , my face going scarlet . " You 're stepping over the line , son . " I was within a heartbeat of decking the young fool . I took a deep breath and tried to control my temper . " What 're you going to do about it , Jordan ? Spank me ? " His tone was maddening . " Come on , wimp . Why don 't you try to do something ? " Will paced his apartment . EJ was coming over , and Will had rehearsed the conversation over and over in his head . He would still work for EJ , still do his campaign work and still keep quiet about everything , but Will was not going to have sex with him anymore . EJ was with Nicole . Will wanted to pursue Sonny , and the situation was far too dangerous for them to continue . If Sonny had figured out what was going on , others would , too . Will heard a key in the door , and he knew it was EJ . It was his building , so of course he had a key . The door opened , and he strode in with a look of pure mischief on his face . Will shifted on his feet . As strange as it felt , he actually supported EJ 's candidacy . " As a matter a fact I do . In this economy , we need a tough mayor … someone who will do whatever it takes to get the economy going . " Will leaned back against the bar . " As weird as it sounds , you 've convinced me that you want to be mayor to help the city . " EJ pulled something else out of the bag : a small oblong box . EJ opened it , and he pulled out a pair of handcuffs . Against his will , Will 's crotch constricted and his heart started to beat . Will didn 't hesitate . He did exactly as EJ ordered , tossing his t - shirt aside . Will felt possessed , like he had no free will . Will , adrenalized by his confrontation with his mother and feeling buoyantly happy , followed Dustin and Kareem through Horton Square to an apartment complex occupied mostly by graduate students . They took the elevator to the seventh floor , and Will noticed Dustin looking at him several times during the trip up . Kareem also glanced at him a few times . Dustin and Kareem laughed . Dustin placed a hand on Will 's shoulder affectionately . Will shook his head . He really didn 't know what he 'd said . But the elevator reached the correct floor , and the three of them headed to the apartment . Inside , dance music blared and about a dozen young men mulled around the apartment 's living room . Will 's eyes moved to the corner , where two of the young men were gently kissing each other . He recognized one as Tyler . Will couldn 't believe it . He was out to Sonny and now to Dustin and Kareem and all of these guys . It felt wonderful . He really was free . Dean had been going out with my older brother , Matt , for about two years when I found out he 'd screwed another guy , a guy named Eric . Worse yet , Eric was a good friend of Matt 's . I knew I could use this to my advantage . I was eighteen and devious . I 'd had a huge crush on Dean from the first time Matt had brought him home . He was twenty - two , and had a broad hairless chest and big muscled shoulders . His face was masculine and he was quick with a smile . I loved hanging out with him , and always tried to see him without his shirt on . He came away with us one summer up to the beach house , and I loved seeing him in his shorts and nothing else . He was my fantasy man , which led to many a time of me fucking myself with my dildo , pretending it was his cock in me , while rubbing my clit to orgasm . I still couldn 't believe he was gay . No one would ever think it . He was the epitome of the ' typical ' straight man in appearance and demeanor . But not only was he gay , he was one of those gay men that was disgusted by the very thought of getting anywhere near a pussy , let alone sticking their dick in one . I found out he screwed Eric because I overheard a telephone conversation between the two . Dean had been spending the weekend at our house while mom and dad were away at the beach house . Matt was in the shower and Dean thought he was the only other person in the house . He was , until I 'd come home and ( unintentionally ) picked up the phone , finding that Dean was using the one in the bedroom . I heard them talking about how nobody could find out that they 'd fucked , and Eric was going on and on saying how much he really liked Dean , but he promised him that he wouldn 't say anything . I listened to the whole thing , and suddenly had the most amazing idea ! So , one day when I knew that Matt was working , I went over to Dean 's house . He lived in a small apartment on the other side of town and worked from home . He was surprised to see me , but invited me in . We were sitting on the couch and I could tell he wondered what I was doing there . He sat back on the couch with a smile on his face . God , he was sexy . I was so hoping that my plan would work . " What 's that ? " he asked casually . He had no idea what I was about to suggest . The color drained from his face and he stared at me . " Shit , " he said under his breath a moment later . " How did you find out ? Does Matt know ? " " You must be out of your fucking mind ! " he said . " I 'm a fag , in case you 've forgotten . I don 't do pussy . I 'm not gonna start now , and I definitely wouldn 't start with you , even if I had the inkling , which trust me , I never will . You 're my boyfriend 's sister for Christ 's sake ! Jesus Christ Kelly , are you drunk or high or something or think this is actually a funny joke to play , because I know you can 't be serious ! " He was raving . I just let him rant . It didn 't worry me . I felt pretty sure he 'd agree to my conditions . He was deeply in love with Matt , and the two were even planning to get married at some point . ( Gay marriage is legal where we live ) . I loved my brother , but , still , right then , in that moment , I wanted Dean 's cock in my pussy more than anything else in the world ! " I 'm completely sober and totally serious . All I want is your cock in my tight pussy . If you don 't do it , then I 'll tell Matt what I heard on the phone . He 'll dump you , you know he will , " I said , smugly . " Dean . I only want you to do this once . And I promise I 'll never ask again , and I will never say anything to Matt about Eric . " He didn 't say anything , rather just lay back on the couch with his hands over his face . He was thinking . I sat across from him , staring at the bulge in his pants . God , it was big , and he was so cute . He was silent and just looked at me for a long time . " I can 't fuckin ' believe this , " he finally said . " I thought you were a nice girl , but today you 've shown me what a little cunt you really are . " Dean had been going out with my older sister , Helen , for about two years when I found out he 'd screwed a girl he worked with named Gina . I knew I could use this to my advantage . Dean also worked for my dad , and so if he got found out he 'd not only lose his girlfriend , but he 'd have to look for another job , too . I was eighteen and devious . I 'd had a huge crush on Dean from the first time Helen had brought him home . He was twenty - two , and had a broad hairless chest and big muscled shoulders . His face was masculine and he was quick with a smile . I loved hanging out with him , and always tried to see him without his shirt on . He came away with us one summer up to the beach house , and I loved seeing him in his shorts and nothing else . He was my fantasy material for most of my whacking off sessions . I found out he 'd screwed Gina because I overheard a telephone conversation between the two . I 'd ( unintentionally ) picked up the phone finding that Dean was using the one in the bedroom . Helen had gone shopping and Dean thought he was home by himself . I heard them talking about how nobody could find out that they 'd fucked , and Gina was crying saying she really liked him , but she promised him that she wouldn 't say anything . I listened to the whole thing , and wondered how I 'd use the information . So , one Saturday when I knew that Helen was working , I went over to Dean 's house . He lived in a small apartment on the other side of town . He was surprised to see me , but invited me in and even gave me a beer . We were sitting on the couch and I could tell he wondered what I was doing there . The color drained from his face and he stared at me . " Shit , " he said quietly under his breath a moment later . " How did you find out ? Does Helen know ? " " You must be out of your fucking mind ! " he said . " I 'm not a fag . And I 'm not going to fuck you in your … ass . I didn 't even know you were into dudes . Jesus Christ Matthew , what are you thinking ? " He was raving . I just let him rant . It didn 't worry me . I felt pretty sure he 'd agree to my conditions . He was in love with Helen , and probably wanted to marry her . But I didn 't care about that . I wanted his cock up my tight hole ! " Dean . I only want you to do this once . And I promise I 'll never ask again , and I will never say anything to Helen about Gina . " He didn 't say anything , but lay back on the couch with his hands over his face . He was thinking . I sat across from him , staring at the bulge in his pants . God , he was cute . My husband , Brian , and I are very much in love . Our sex life was great , very active , and fulfilling . We were both very adventurous when it came to sex , and although we had so far confined our sex life to the marriage bed , we had , on many occasions , discussed having a ménage a trois . My husband of course , like most red - blooded heterosexual men , wanted it to be with another woman . After quite a bit of persisting from my husband we finally decided to turn the fantasy into a reality , and after quite a while of searching for just the right person , my husband and I invited another woman into our bed . Brian and I talked in great detail before it happened , and we had agreed that he would not penetrate her pussy with his cock unless I asked him to . Furthermore , Brian asked me to allow myself to pleasure and be pleasured by the other woman . . . as that would be much more exciting , he thought , for everyone . I wasn 't bisexual at all - the thought of another woman didn 't really do it for me - but I acquiesced , and we promised each other that if either of us felt uncomfortable we would stop without any drama and just end the session . We needn 't have worried so much . It turned out to be very exciting and extremely satisfying . It was wonderful for everyone . I tasted my first pussy that night , and actually placed Brian 's cock at another woman 's pussy and asked him to fuck her slowly . He did , of course , while she kissed and licked my pouting pussy lips , nibbling on my clit like no man has ever done . I had multiple orgasms that night ; I just quit counting at three . Finally Brian finished me off with his hard cock . I must admit , I enjoyed the bisexual aspect of the evening , but I still preferred a stiff cock to a wet pussy . After that evening , Brian and I discussed the event many times . It fueled our sex life and we seemed even closer , if that was possible . We both agreed that it was something we wanted to do again , but not something we would do often . Maybe like an exotic vacation , something you do once every few years - maybe . Well , a couple of years went by . Brian and I remained very happy and sexually active - often in our fantasies we would invoke a threesome , or even a foursome . We talked about making our fantasy a reality again . This time I suggested we should invite another man to join us . I expected strong resistance from Brian to that idea , but surprisingly he didn 't object at all . In fact he seemed perfectly ok with it . I was pretty sure he was just doing it for me since I had agreed to a woman , for him , during our first experience . Still , I had to admit , to me , the thought of two rock hard cocks at my beck and call made me flushed and started my juices flowing . Just talking about it got my pussy wet . . . and Brian and I fucked like a couple of horny teenagers that night . " I don 't think either of us would ever betray or cheat on the other , " Brian said . " But if we chose someone local , we would kind of know them after the fact , and we wouldn 't necessarily want to see the person around town after or have them trying to start a friendship with us , or even simply gossiping about what they did with us . " He made a very good point . " Well , he needs to be good - looking , obviously . I don 't want to watch some ugly guy giving it to my wife , " Brian laughed . " And , I would be comfortable choosing a guy with a really big cock . " Now I knew why he hadn 't even tried to object to the idea of it being another man . He wanted to see me getting fucked by a big cock . That gave me an idea . What would he do for me in return ? " It doesn 't have to be anything hard core , but you can 't be homophobic either . After all , if we were all engaged with each other sexually it would be much more fun . That was pretty much the same thing you told me when we had that first threesome and I didn 't think I could do something with another woman , wasn 't it ? " " … but nothing , " I interrupted . " I did that for you because I love you and you said it would turn you on immensely , and it did . This will turn me on and is what I want . Fair is fair , " I said kissing him on the cheek . I married Jane when we were both still in college , a little over ten years ago . They have been a great ten years . I just had my 32nd birthday , and Jane 's is in a couple of months . Jane still looks fantastic . We walk or cycle almost every day , and she teaches an aerobics class at the community center . Her body is firmer and tighter now than it was when I met her . She is 5 ' 6 " , weighs about 110 - 115lbs , and measures in at an eye - catching 36 - 24 - 35 . She has deep green eyes , a great complexion , and bright blonde hair cut in a short , stylish bob . So , when I tell you that just looking at her still makes my heart go pitter - patter , you know why . I 've been monogamous since the day I met Jane , and I 'm sure she has been the same . She wasn 't a virgin when we met . In fact , I started dating Jane after she broke up a very long - term relationship with one of my Frat brothers . I know they had been fucking for years , and sometimes , even today , while daydreaming , the vision of Jane and her ex - boyfriend doing some of the things we have done together has aroused me . Maybe it was so easy for me to picture them together because I knew both of them . Anyway , here we are a successful young couple . We both work for the same very large Corporation . And now we are enjoying the benefits , in our new house with a three - car garage , a yard full of trees , and a hot tub on the deck outside our bedroom . Several weeks ago I received word that Mike , a mutual co - worker and old friend , was returning to headquarters for training . Mike is a great guy , and we were close before he was transferred to Seattle about a year ago . We had been on the company softball team together and had been drinking buddies , and Jane and I had even double - dated with him a time or two . So , when I heard he was coming back to town for a few days , I checked with Jane , and then called him , insisting he stay with us rather than in a hotel . He agreed , immediately . When Mike opened the door to our house , thirty - some people yelled " SURPRISE ! " Jane and I had decided to throw him a little " Welcome Back " party so he could see his old friends again . It was a great party . I was surprised because although Jane and I really didn 't bother with suits , it was only when we were alone . I couldn 't tell if she was a little buzzed , or a little excited , or both . But I knew I was both ! The three of us quickly stripped on the back patio deck . It was obvious in the bright moonlight that Jane was more than buzzed . Her nipples were hard and erect and her skin had that taut , expectant look it gets before we have sex . She was also breathing through her mouth , and her eyes were glued on Mike . And looking at Mike myself , I could now see why he had been such a stud around the office before he was transferred . Besides his rugged good looks and great personality , he had a rather large cock and set of balls hanging between his legs . I noticed he was also watching Jane very closely . John Colaneri walked up to his apartment on the top floor of the converted building he and his family had renovated . His slightly older cousin Anthony lived on the floor below him . Anthony 's parents lived one floor below him . John was tired and didn 't bother to stop in for whatever dish his aunt had cooked up for her work weary men . Instead , he dragged himself up the three flights of stairs and quickly began to strip as soon as he was safely inside his apartment . The warm water felt good on his skin . He lathered up several times and rinsed , enjoying the feel of the water washing away foam . After a few minutes more , John turned off the water and grabbed a fluffy white towel . Patting himself dry , he grabbed his forgotten beer and headed back out to his living room to decide what to do about dinner . He was startled by the presence of his cousin Anthony standing there with a foil covered plate in his hands . John smiled , grateful that he didn 't have to worry about dinner after all . With everyone home , he wasn 't sure his cousin would be paying him a visit this evening , but it looked like Tony had found an excuse to come see him . Not that they needed one . John and Anthony had been close since childhood , despite the fact that Anthony had brothers and sisters . Through the years , their friendship had blossomed into something more ; something they 'd kept secret from their friends and family . My heart sank when I saw Whittaker crumple up and hit the field like a wounded animal . He was my champion athlete and I was counting on him to pull us through in the regional finals next week . Now , he was flat on his back , both hands cupping the considerable bulge in his groin . I got up off the bench and loped across the field to find out what had happened . " Pulled a muscle in my groin , Coach , " he groaned , tears welling up in his eyes . He was a big , strong , eighteen year old man , but right now he looked as helpless as a baby . I helped him up , and slipped an arm around him , half - carrying him back to the locker room . Touching Whittaker was unlike touching any of the other young men I 've coached over the years . Many of them had had great bodies , but Whittaker 's was almost too much to take . His arms and shoulders were tight and thick with muscle , and his chest was a true masterpiece . Right now my fingers were curving under the rise of his big pec and it felt like a warm rock . When he moved it was sheer poetry in motion , and I was convinced that he had a great athletic career ahead of him . " It really hurts , Coach , " he groaned , looking over at me with his big brown eyes . Whittaker 's arm felt good against my neck , his sweat soaking through my t - shirt and rapidly making me a whole lot hotter than the cool fall weather could justify . " You have to make it better . I have to be able to compete this weekend . " " We 'll worry about that later , " I reassured him , giving him a friendly squeeze . " Right now I want to get you inside so I can see how badly you 're hurt . " I tightened my grip on him and bore most of his weight as we descended the stairs . Ryan and Sean had been best friends for as long as they could remember . The two best friends were at Ryan 's , hanging out after school , which was quite usual . No one else was home . " No , he didn 't let me , he didn 't even know . He had to go to the store to get a part for the toilet and left his building keys on top of the toilet tank . When I saw the movie I thought it would be cool to do that , and then realized that I already had a wireless camera . What I didn 't have was a way into someone 's apartment to hide the thing , and figured I never would . But , when I saw the Super 's keys just lying there , it was a once in a lifetime opportunity , so I just grabbed them . " Ryan paid no mind of his friend 's attitude and just continued on . " So I had the keys in my hand , and I knew that I didn 't have much time , so I practically ran to my bedroom and grabbed the wireless camera . Then I ran out the front door , let myself into an apartment , hid the camera , locked the door again , and then ran back to my apartment and put the Super 's keys back on top of the toilet tank , all with just minutes to spare before the Super walked back in to find me sitting on the couch , " Ryan rambled . " Cool , huh ? " It was turned on and the lid was up , although the screen was set to go black after thirty minutes , so it was blank . Sean reached over and moved the mouse . " All I see is your desktop and shortcuts , " Sean said as the screen lit up . " Holy shit ! " Sean said as a window opened and filled the screen with the live image of someone 's bedroom . " You really did do it ! " |
Some of my friends on this road are sweet and the others sucks a dog dick . I have one man , he loves the gators and snakes . Everyone else wants me to kill all of them . In the last two years , some of them have lost cats and dogs to gators . These people are on my side , I am afraid of this one asshole , that lovs them , he may call the DNR on my ass . It is a big ass fine to kill those fuckers , we have so many , you would not miss a few in my yard . I took some pictures , but I need to download a disk for a Cyser - shot Sony 4 . 1 pexel camera . When I get this I will post some pictures , gators and snakes and tree rats as bait . Yesterday , while I was at the dentist 's office , Steve 's two dogs were swimming in my pond and fucking with those gators . His dogs are just bad ass dogs , the big black dog will bite the shit out of you and chase you on foot and while you are riding bikes . The good dog , a pretty , 90 pound baby yellow lab , likes to come see me , I always have food for him . It quit raining , been raining for 5 days and the sun came out and the dogs were playing . I heard a loud noise and all types od sounds . I ran down to the pond , it 's about 300 yards from my porch . The big daddy gator caught the yellow lab and chewed him in half , the head part was floating on top of the water , Steve , who is a pothead , lives with his grandmama , was calling me , help , do something , I ran and got a gun , went back and the gator came out of the water and attacked the head of the dog , a few seconds later , the head and gator was under the water again . That dog weighted at least 90 pounds , the gator was the big one , about 14 foot long . I have not been able to get him yet . That was some meal . The last time I saw my Jaws , was a week ago and his mouth was about three foot long , that means he could take in a cow and eat it , without any problems . Now I am worried about my cats , they love to fuck with him . I will have to see if I can get that bastard , before he gets me or one of my cats . Another man down the road , about a mile from me , lost two dogs a few months ago , gators , but not mine . Mine loves my yard and pond , plenty of fish and turtles to feed on and yes , once in a while a dog . This was a sad thing to watch , but that gator is smart . He knows me and I think he only comes out of the water , when he sees my truck leave . Smart mother , he is . I will call a trapper friend of mine and see if he will trap the bastard , a foot foot gator will bring you 600 . 00 , for the tail and hide . See you later folks , I 'm going gator hunting , Cat Had a very early appointment , got there on time , no wrecks on I - 95 today . Saw quack , took one crown and glued it back on , then when he was trying to add the other one , something popped , it was my four unit crown , he broke it half into . He fixed it , but took him about 2 hours to rebuild it . I now have a full set of teeth , ofcourse , most of them are fake . But I would not be happy the way I looked , scarcey , I would almost scare the shit out of you . Now I am getting ready for a nap and some heavy drinking when I wake up , pain is bad to day because of the rain . Talked to my 99 year old aunt last night , she is still cokoking and taking care of a three bedroom house , never sick , but sometimes she has problems getting out of bed . Aunt Lucille is mama 's oldest sister , only two out of 13 are living , Cat I was talking to a young lady last night and she asked me for some more sex tricks . I told her that I covered almost all of them and all you have to do is Practice . She told me than her neck was the hot spot , yes it is . A good way to get your woman hot , is while you kissing her mouth , go down to the neck area and give it some tongue , I also like the ears and the whole face . Most women have a weak spot behind there knees and inside the thigh area . You have to practice this a lot , cause most women are different , what works for some , will not work for others . Just take your time and lick and kiss her all over , you will find the spot , and when you do , you and her will be in heaven . Any of my readers can write in and we will talk about different sex topics , I am no Dr . Ruth , but I bet my life on it , that I have fucked more women than she has men . Think about that sports fans . More to come and maybe I will also . I have been on the wagen , when it comes to sex lately , my back and the meds I been taking fucks my dick up . But like Paul Newman said , if I can 't cut the mustard , then I can still lick the jar . And I have licked a many a jar among other things , so stay turned for more fun and laughs , Cat Had to got to Savannah , for jury duty today , they may pick they may not . All my friends said , Cat , when you show up in court with that 255 pound body and all that ink with your long ponytail and those earrings of yours , they will excuse you , befire the first question . I fucking hope so , I hate courts and the assholes who run them . I also have a dentish visit today , last night , I was drinking rum and tonic , with a piece of cake , and my goddamn 3 , 000 . 00 brigde fell out of my mouth . I just lost one a month ago , eating steak that time . They did not get tome and may have to go tomorrow , dentish called and sid he wanted 2 , 500 . 00 to fix and repair both brigdes and alos do some more work on my nasty ass mouth . I told him , shit doc , I am getting old and you maybe pulling these fuckers next year , fuck those brigdes . I can buy several sets of choppers for that price . And if I wanted to go to the Fox and Weeks funeral home , I may get a complete set for free . The men that runs those funeral parlors are good friends of mine , and they take the chopper out of the dead people than has them , so FREE . I bet a lot of people are stiil wearing used teeth , you buy everything else used , why not teeth . When I was a young boy , we had a few Jew stores that sold deadman shoe . When an old Jew died , the family would bring there old shoes in and sell them to the Jew store owners , then they would hang them outside there stores from the shoe laces and sell them for 5 . 00 a pair . Good buy and most of them were Nunn Bush or better brands than we could afford . I purchased about three pairs of shoe from one Jew , did not have any problems with none of them , except one pair . When I put them on and wanted to turn right , they would want to go left . those deadman Jew shoes had a mind of his own . Cat I think these friends had a good time , we took a lot of pictures and some of them will post tomorrow . We had plenty of food and booze , a few pills and lots of talk . Rained like hell yesterday , but cleared up for the gun shooting and cooking out doors , thank goodness . I will write more about it last to day , got to wake up and get my gallon of coffee in me . Got most of my chores done today , got a big fire outside and beer and drinks are ready . I hurt like shit , but I will be okay , when those friends start showing up . My rash is better and it is not Lyme , must have been something I ate or drank . I know one thing , that bitch itched like crazy . We have so many woods , the ticks are everywhere . I was getting worried . When I was a boy scout , I was eaten alive by redbugs , Mama had to take me to the doctor , there was no place on my body , that didn 't have a redbug . I was sick for a week . I have some very rare blood , I have given gallons of my blood for all kinds of people , until my two heart attacks , now the red cross will not take it anymore . I sure hope these people have a good time this weekend , I will try and be a great host , later , Cat I 'm going to the big city of Brunswick GA tomorrow for food and drinks . It is a 60 mile drive total , they have great liquor stores . Savannah is about 120 miles total round trip . I think we will have a low country boil with all the fixings , need ammo and targets . Hope they all get here safe and sound . I just found out , a friend of mine is coming , Dana from Florida , hope she has a good time , Dana is stressed out and needs a break . All of my friends in blog world is invited . More about the party later , Cat Got back from shopping , went to three stores and the docks , and felt so fucking bad , I went to bed . I noticed that both of my tit nipples are very very hard , and they will not get soft . The nipples look like I can knock a hole into a wood wall , man that is hard . They hurt like shit , I have not had any sex in , I am tired of counting , so that is not the problem . I have about 30 tick bites all over my body and a few redbugs to go with the ticks bites . It has been 92 degrees for several days , I am cold one mintue , and hot the next . I know it 's not that time of the month , I am a big man , don 't have a clue . I guess father time is catching up on my sorry ass . They really hurt people , and no , I can 't suck my own tits , so don 't ask . I am ready for my guests this weekend , maybe one of them may know . Take care , Cat When I lived on Washington Square in the old fort part of Savannah , it was the home of very large old homes , our house did not have any paint on it , ours were not the only ones . Around 1960 , several queers moved into our neighbor , all of the kids knew nothing about them , they started buying and restoring those old homes and the next thing you know , they are everywhere . I worked for one for 15 years off and on , he was a very good man , even if he was gay . He sent me to Willamsburgs to a school that taught me how to restore furniture and do 24 K gold leaf . He was the star in the movie , that Rob , was talking about today . Three of us kids worked for Jims shop for years . He came to Savannah broke , and died a multi millioniare . He made his money in Savannah and had customers all over the world . I met Jackie Kennedt , J . Paul Getty , some of the Rockafellows and many more . His house was like a shrine , everything was 17th and 18th century things and American paintings going to bed . He also have the biggest collection of Easter eggs in America , he also collected almost anything old and exspenive . The funny thing about Jim , every year he would have a queer party , on St . Patricks eve , every queer in Savannah and movie start within 500 miles came . Most of them dressed up like women and he gave out awards for the best one , he called them the Sarah awards . I never went to a party at Jims , but we use to sit outside and watch all of them going in , some of them looked good , but probaly had a bigger dick than me . We always asked Jim the next day about the awards , he told us everything , funny as hell . One queer in Savannah was Princess Pineapple , he was 7 foot tall and must have been from Cuba . There were three queer bars in Savannah back in the 60 's , if you wanted to have a good laugh , just go to one of them . When I grew up and was in high school , most queers use to cruise Bull Street , if we were broke , we would get three boys in a car and put one boy out on the street , when the queer came riding up and ask one of us , you want a ridePosted by Back in Savannah around 1972 , there was a bar called the Chances Are . It was right next to the Trailways Bus Station . The mens room was next to the ladies room , only a very thin wood wall was between the two shitters . My friend and buddy , Earl was selling cars with me at the time . Every day , we had to stop a few hours each day to get some beer . Chances are was very close . After about 100 times going there , I noticed a hole , about the size of a tennis ball , I looked in it and saw a toilet and a sink , when I got out , it read , the ladies room , I told Earl about the hole and he laughed and said at night , men dressed up likw women go there and if you see one go into the ladies room , then you get up and go to the mens room , stick your dick in the hole and someone will suck you off , funny as hell and all of you know me , shit I stuck my dick in there and got blowed . I came out first and then waited to see who was giving me the head job , it was a pretty woman with the name of Jake , oh well , another true story from the Cat Just talked to the Acidman , he is fine , was sick for a few days , but better now . I had several emails and phone calls about my friend , he ususally calls me , but this time he was in so much pain , he did not . Rob comes from very good stock and should be with us for many years , Cat My daddy 's day post was yesterday . I loved my daddy . He was just like me , for all the people out there that knows me . You would have loved him , and funny , make you pee your pants daily . For all you other great Daddy 's , have a very good and safe day , Cat We have a lot of phrases in the deep south , like when it is raining very hard , we say , it 's raining cats and dogs , another one is looks like a cow pissing on a rock . My mama use to say , it 's coming down in sheets . We have had hail , the size of marbles , with winds around 50 miles an hour and tons of rain . You can send us to school and then to college but you can 't take that South out of us . My dad use to say , rain is good for two things , sleeping and fucking and your Ma will not love me today and I am not sleepy . That goes for me also . Tomorrow is Fathers Day and my dad has been gone 22 years , I wish I could see and talk to him some more . We were buddies and my three other brothers , all took after Mama , she never smokes , drank booze , never tasted a beer and was married to the same man for 56 years , when he died . Mama use to tell me , that I was just like Chap , my daddy , he drank , chased wild women , rode Indians and Harleys , did dope over seas , had ink all over him and yes , he did like to fight and gamble . Mama always threw that into my face when she was mad at me , which was almost all the time . Her favorite says was , you are nothing but a whorehopper and a rumdumb , just like your daddy . I am the youngest of four big boys . I am the only child that has been married and devorced three times , man she had a lot to say about that and so did my brothers and sister - in - laws . My daddy loved me and never said anything to me about my ways , we were just alike and the old southern saying is , the apple does not fall far from the tree . I loved my daddy and took care of him for 2 years before he died of cancer . The last six months , he would eat only Baskin Robbins ice cream , a pint a day and egg custard and ensure . Mama and I took care of old dad . I am very glad to have my daddy 's ways , but also proud that I have a little of the Cherokee Indian that my mama had in her . Dad , I miss you very much and Happy Father 's Day , Cat Those cocksuckers finally came yesterday afternoon . We moved dirt and roots around the yard , about 4 acres , they started to bring in the limerock and after a few loads , they said , see you tomorrow at 7 : 00am . Well , it is 10 : 30 and they have not showed . I hope they come and finish today . I worked my sorry ass off last night , I took by Deere and moved about 10 loads of toots and old stumps to my burning pit , shit it over ran my pit , I have got to burn it soon . It was 97 drgees yesterday and when I finished I was wet from head to toe , I cooled down and took a shower , then jumped into the hot tub for an hour . When I got out of the tub , I started throwing up , I thought my asshole was coming out of my mouth , then I started shitting pure hot water and throwing up at the same time . I did this all fucking night . I thought I was dieing . I am a little better today , but weak as a popcorn fart . I will stay inside the 70 degree house and watch those cocksuckers , if they show back up . Other than that , everything is okay , more coming soon , Cat The weekend of June the 25th , we are having a little party , a few of my friends from Savannah and The V - man and his beautifull wife Donna , and the one and only Acidman and anyone else that wants to come . I am 30 miles north of Brunswick Georgia . May turn out to be a mini blog party . I know we are going to cook outside and may have a low counrty boil with plenty of beer and booze . We will have music and joke telling and little of shooting some guns , come all , you are always welcome at the Catfish 's . My sorry old bones is taking a road trip tonight . I am going to Acidman 's house and try to make shine . We have been planning this for about a month , now , we are going to do it . His family from Kentucky and my family from Brooklet Georgia were monshiners for many years , they all passed it down to some of there kin . I made beer plenty of times , turned out great . I once cooked some old mash up and it was the strongest nasty ass booze I ever tasted . But it did the trick , Rob 's better at it than me , I just buy mine by the case at the booze shop . Rob lives in dry county in GA , crazy ass laws made moonshiners rich . I have agallon of shine and he will make another 2 gallons tonight , may be here tomorrow , maybe not . We will let you know tomorrow , Cat I know a lot of special kids . When we started riding for different groups on charity runs , almost all of them were for kids . We had a Greenbrier run for kids , MS run for needed people and children . The Savannah Chapter of hogs had a big fund raiser every year , last year over 30 , 000 to needed kids . A week before Christmas every year about 600 of my riding buddies get together and had a toy run , we use to give to one charity , now it has gotten so damn large , we split it up with three of them . I was taught to help the needy and kids that needed more than some kids . My Ryan was born with a birth defect , he got by it and then the doctors found cancer . Ryan was the first Make a Wish child in Coastal Georgia . He did not want anything at first , but a daughter of my lawyer at the time was the chair person and she talked Ryan into it . He agreed and went to see Motley Crue and had back stage passes and all the trimmings . That was in Tennessee , when They came to Savannah , where Ryan lived , they would call and come by and pick him up and stay with him all day and half the night . They gave him a Fender and an amp , more picks and books and pictures and I got to meet Heather also , man she was pretty . Not only did they do something for Ryan , the Make a Wish program did something special for me . I got paid back , all the times and hours I spent with kids of all ages and races . So the end of this story is this , when you meet a special child . please be polite to the child and the parents and if you can , please help as much as you can , cause one day it maybe your grandchild , that needs the help . Thanks fopr reading and take care , Cat The damn drive way man did not show again . This getting me pissed . This house and land has a curse on it . Everytime I try to do something to improve it , shit hits the fan . I have been sitting on my ass , waiting for this cocksucker to come and pour my drive way . These people in McInCrack county are all fucked up , they first tell you that they need work , cause they are broke and then when you hire those lazy ass bastards , they never show . Fuck all of these assholes , I tried to give work to these people and got fucked or they screwed up the job and took my money . One contractor built my house and I paid him the amount he needed to finish it , now he has hauled ass with my money and has my house still only 95 % finished . I found out , when it was too late , that this motherfucker does this to all of the people that hires him . I may just kill the son of a bitch . I can 't sue the asshole , cause he has nothing , plus everyone else is already suing the bastard . Man my luck is running bad . I need a black lady for some loving , this has always changed my luck before , but since my luck is so fucking bad this time , I may need a truck load of them , Cat Today , I am getting a drive way poured for my new house , I need a few loads of dirt and them 4 big loads of asphalt . It will be 180 feet long and 12 foot wide , it has to curve around two big oak trees to get into the double car garage . It should be very nice . My son is better and I feel like shit . Getting old and having back problems suck . I remember one time daddy and I were goinf fishing , I went to pick him up and when I got there , he was on the sidewalk . He slipped and fell , I took him to the ER and they stuck a 8 inch needle in his knee , man that looked bad and daddy have sweat balls on his head , the size of quarters . The doctor told him that he would be okay in about 3 weeks , after about 8 weeks of healing , he finally went to a bone man and they had to cut his knee and leg open again . He was in bed for a month and did nothing for 3 months , by then fishing season has gone . He told me that getting old was the worst thing in life to happen to you . Bones just don 't heal that fast , when you get old . I never thought I would be in the same shoes my daddy was . I have always been big , almost as big as daddy and healthy has a horse . I would not wish this on my worst enemy . I saw a show on PBS last night about the 60 's music and it brought back so many memories , I almost cried laughing at some of them . It was mostly about the girls I dated and went with during high school , time sure has gone by fast . Friday and saturday nights were my life , girls , girls and more girls , man those were the days , Cat No one showed up today to do my drive way . This is one of the worst counties to get anything none . People that was born here , are so damn lazy and good for nothing , it makes me sick . Everyone I talk too on my road , has been screwed or fucked by a contractor in this county . I paid good money for my house to be built , the contractor took my money and ran , after I hired him ti build , I found out he 's been fucking other people left and right . He needs to spend about 6 , 000 and finish my house . The man that did the septic tank , fucked me good . He up rooted my right side of land for the tank and drain field , he never covered the tank up , concrete always showing and the drain field is almost three lower than the tank , the land was level when he started his job . I hired a young man to clear a small part of my island , he told me that it would take a week , ended up taking two weeks and I had to finish it myself , fucked again . I tried to help these broke ass people , by using the local help , I should have used people out of Savannah , where I been living for 30 years and knew everyone . You try and be nice and help these people that you will be living close by and I got screwed very good . I wish I had good health , I would do it myself . I will see about tomorrow , Cat My son , Ryan and me are feeling better today . He has gone home and his girlfriend is taking care of him . I feel much better , cause I finally got some sleep . In the last six days , I only had 9 hours of sleep . Lost about 20 pounds and I was worried about my son . When he was younger and got sick , I would get ill right with him . He has had 13 operstions and the rare skin and bone cancer he has came back . He is going to NYU for tests next week and he got all of his records from Duke . I sure hope he does better with his cancer . The weekend is coming up and rain will be with us for al three days . I can 't do much outside for a while , so I am married to my PC . I want to thank all of you for thinking about me and my son . Take care and have a great and safe weekend , Cat I wrote a good story tonight and blog - city ate the damn thing up . They changed to a new version yesterday and it sucks . Does anyone have a better way to blog than Blog - City ? Thanks in advance , Cat I was reading on the web last night , could not sleep again , and I ran into a post on Quennie 's site . It was about a little black boy at a store in South Carolina , the owner called him a nigger and told him to leave and never come back . That was very mean for that old man to cuss that boy out , he was just a kid . My mama was an American Indian , she always had black ladies working for her , not only did they work but they were also friends of the family . My mama always had money and gave it to many a stranger , she use to bury those old black people that were kin to her help . She always had a bill at the black funeral parlor , two blocks away . I use to play with small black kids . That is the way it was in our neighborhood . All blacks are not niggers and all niggers are not black , I hope you understand that . I did not start hating some blacks until I was older , the reason for that is , they stole from me , broke into my house , always hit my car and had no insurance . I use to hate and hear the Kennedy 's say so many good things about the blacks , hell , they never had to work with any , go to school with any , the only blacks they were ever around were the higher educated ones and the very rich blacks . I have some very good black friends , better than some of my white ones . Just writing about my life and times in Savannah , when I was growing up . And that blog post kinda made me mad , take care and have a good day , Cat I need some tender loving care , seems like every week I have something else wrong with me , old age . I never thought this could happen to me . I have been strong as an bear and look like one to , all of my lfe . Maybe all of that hard living that did me in ? I don 't know and don 't care . It is going to be hard to get old . I shot and killed four snakes in the last five days , bad ones , the ones that kill . Tree rats are leaving my land , killed about 75 of them , cats are going crazy , they don 't eat them anymore . Been planting a few trees and bushes , things are looking good . My son , Ryan , in New York , is in the medical center at NYU , his cancer has come back . He has had it since he was 10 years old . He is 31 now and his girlfriend is taking care of him , I asked him did he want me to come and see him , he said no , just take care of myself . more coming as I find out more , Cat I had a small knot in my stomach , it was the size of an egg . Every now and then it hurt like hell . Two days ago , I was working around my yard , and a very bad pain hit me . What the shit is that ? I asked myself . Went into the house and found the knot went down to my balls . I almost shit my pants again . Did not know what to do , I got my ass in the bed and went to sleep . Several hours later I woke up and the pain and the know was gone , must have been a miracle , ot Jesus came and saved my sorry ass . I went to see my doctor today and he said that I had a hernia , not a bad one , just a hernia . This one can 't grow and bust like some of them can . Dr told me to take it easy for a while and don 't pickup anything over 15 pounds . I can handle that . Now I have pains from my tits all the way down to my toes . Got to go back next month and check on it again , may have to get it cut out , Cat When I was a small child , my mama use to drag me everywhere with her . Mama 's favorite place to visit would be the funeral parlor . She knew everyone in Savannah at one time . Our neighborhood was on the old fort , in downtown Savannah , everytime a neighbor or anyone else for that matter would did , you guesssed it , she would drag me off to the undertakers to visit the dead . I just think she loved it , after I was married and had Joey and Stephanie , she would then drag them to the funeral parlor . She had many a friend die in her arms and I was always by her side . She just loved it , sick , I don 't know ? When I reached the age of 12 , I stopped going with her , I had to play ball and work . Stephanie wrote about my mama and her farts , she would fart anytime and anywhere , she did not care . And stink , that old Indian woman would put out a favor , that would put anyone to shame . Her farts had a long hang time and would keep you coughing and running for mintues on end . All twelve of her brothers and sisters were the same , they all lived around Statesboro Ga , on farms , with animals . Even the animals would run for cover , when the family got together for a visit , they were all rotten to the core , and could peal the paint off the wall in any house . My daddy was not like her family and many a time I heard daddy say , Louise , you stink , mama would just laugh and fart some more . Mama loved little kids , she always had chewing gum and candy in her big pocketbook , everywhere she went , she would pass out gum and candy to little kids , after the kids were eating there gum and candy , she would fart on them and the faces on those kids looked like , who done it ? Mama would just laugh and pass more gas and candy out . That was my mama and we all loved her very much and miss her dearly , she died at the ripe old age of 93 and was blessed with a good life and plenty of family that loved her to death , Cat Posted by I am going to Brunswick Ga this morning , shopping and getting me some liquor . Been raining like a cow pissing on a rock lately . Last night a small town 25 miles from me got 9 inches of rain in 3 hours , the whole town flooded , even the police department , hope they drown , he he . My daughter made a comment on my blog yesterday , I love her very much and she has made me proud . Her 2 kids are great and her daughter Becky acts just like me . Tyler , her son , loves guns , just like grandpa . I gave him two so far . V - man is coming to visit and we will get very fucked up , we will fish and shoot and eat and drink , not much more to do in the woods . More sex tricks coming very soon , Cat My dear friend Kelley at suburban blight , has been writing some damn good stories . She is a very wonderful person and I love her dearly . I hope she reads this cause no one can leave a comment on her site . I hope she will fix this problem , cause when you read her , you will have to say something back to her , she is that good , Cat Stephanie just called me and told me that when she got back to Florida , she was sick as a dog . When I got sick when I was living at home , mama use to give me medicine to make me shit , she thought , if you ever were sick , then the best thing to do is take a good long shit . I got a lot of my mama 's ways , she was a mean old indian woman , but she was a good , sweet , caring person . She had tons of grandchildren , but she always liked Joey and Stephanie the best . I think the reason that I was always close to my mama . The others were not . When my mama had to pee or take a dump , she would do it anywhere she could find . I seen her visit one of her sisters in farm country , Brooklet GA , no one was home one day , so she saw a metal chair in the yard , next thing I saw was mama pulling her dress up and sitting in that chair and took a pee . I got all over her , she said , I almost peed my pants , till I saw this chair . Mama was also the boss , daddy was aways gone off to sea , he was a merchant marine for 49 years , mama wore the pants and had the balls , till daddy came home . My dad was a big man , almost 7 foot tall and weighed over 300 pounds , not fat either . Daddy always had motorcylces , he had Indians until they went out of business then he started buying Harley 's . Mama always told everyone , my baby son took after his daddy , the other tree boys took after me . She use to call me a whorehopper and a rumdumb , cause I loved many women and drank as much booze as I could hold , just like my daddy . We were both gamblers and bet on anything , we both shot pool very well and stayed in trouble all the time . I was just like Daddy , but I loved my mama more than anything , she saved my sorry ass many times and paid me out of jail and trouble over 20 times , I was a bad boy many years ago . I have been married three times and my brothers are still married to the same girls they went to school with and married , shit that must be very boring . At least I have a lot of good stories about my life that my grandkids enjoy . My only daughter loves me very much aPosted by |
I enjoy peace and quiet , usually . But today I find it grates . In a house full of people I should be hearing something . Well , other than just the sound of pages turning . I blame Jes . She took my journal the other night . She made copies of it and handed it out to the family as they arrived . * sigh * She 's read it already but has yet to say a word to me since she got home . I was first here . I came earlier than usual . I wanted a chance to talk to her , warn her that I had things to discuss tonight . I got the hand . She 's said absolutely nothing to me . I guess I know how this is going to go . Hopefully I won 't lose everyone , but I 'm guessing my time as family is at an end . " Other room please . We need a few minutes to discuss this . " Raven didn 't even look at me as she spoke . I left the room , into the kitchen with me . I might as well have a drink while they discuss my fate . There 's an iPod sitting on the table . I peek back into the living room only to have one of my sisters catch me . I sit down at the table , a glass of whiskey in front of me . I 'm fidgety , and I catch myself playing with the unfamiliar iPod . I can hear them talking quietly but I can 't make out the words . I consider leaving , after all it 's what I figure is going to happen anyway . So why wait ? I get up and grab my purse , slip quietly out the door to my car . I go to put the key in the ignition and realize I 'm still holding the iPod . * sigh * I 'll have to go back inside , I can 't take it with me . I might be a killer but I 'm no thief . I reach into my glove box instead and pull out my stereo cord . I plug in the iPod and turn on the engine so I can have a listen . " Eternity gazed back at me . Like an ocean 's horizon at midnight . Faintest of whispers softly caress my ears and I wonder if it is a nightmare or a dream . " words & music by Jason Sinner I hear the words , listen to the song , and then play it again . I don 't recognize the man 's voice so why does it sound like he 's in my head ? I turn off my car , and head back inside . Sitting out there where someone could see me is making me tense . My timing is … good I suppose . I hear Gwen sending someone in to get me . Monster comes in . My Mikey , my Monster , if I lose everyone else I will still have him . He 'll still have them as well though . I may have brought him into the family but he is family . He smiles sadly at me , hugs me , and we walk into the room together holding hands . Just like whenever he was in trouble with our folks . We stand together , his arm around me . It takes me a moment but I raise my eyes to meet those of the ones I love . I look from one face to the next until I stop on an unfamiliar pair of eyes . This must be Methial . Jes told me about him , he was brought in while I was missing . I feel a shiver crawl down my back , his eyes are steady on mine and I can 't seem to look away . He smiles at me , nods his head as if in greeting , and that breaks the spell . I can 't make myself continue , my eyes drop , my gaze upon the carpet as I await their condemnation . Jes and Gwen look at each other . I don 't have to see it to know they are having a silent debate about who 's going to speak . We 've done this before , only it was between the three of us . I hear a soft sigh , Jes it is then . " When were you going to tell us ? Or were you even going to ? " My eyes snap up to meet hers . " Of course I was going to tell you ! That 's why I came early tonight ! " I step away from the safety of my brother 's arms . " Had you left it alone Jes , I would have told everyone tonight . It 's why I asked for all of the family to be present . My journal is with me , in my purse . I wasn 't sure I 'd be able to say it all , I was absolutely certain I 'd fail . So I brought it with me . It says all the words I didn 't believe I 'd be able to . " I look around and I see distress on the faces I love so much . I 'm broadcasting . " Just wait a sec , please . " I walk outside , breathe deeply , I need control . I sit down on the steps , close my eyes and focus on my walls . Brick by brick they go back up . I feel a jacket placed around my shoulders and I turn to look . It 's Methial . My look is questioning , he simply shrugs and sits beside me . " Penny for your thoughts . " He looks at me briefly before looking ahead again . Stunned does not begin to describe my reaction to his comment . " A penny for my thoughts ? Really ? " I look at him and see a small smile before he looks away again . " Ok , fine . My thoughts … my thoughts are somewhat scattered right now . One thought , why are you here instead of one of my sisters ? But then I realize it 's because they 're all getting themselves under control and that I had little to no effect on you . Another thought , why did I have no effect on you ? Next thought , is there even any point to me going back inside or should I simply get in my car and go home ? Also , why am I spilling all my thoughts to you , and why aren 't you annoyed with my ranting yet ? " He smiles at me again , stands up , and offers me his hand . Before I realize what I 'm doing my hand is in his and we 're walking back into the house . He guides me over to the couch where Mikey is sitting . After I sit down he sits beside me , a little closer than I should be comfortable with but I can 't seem to bring myself to object . Gwen watches with a smirk on her lips . Jes walks in from the kitchen and hands me a glass , a light sip tells me there 's whiskey in my soda . No surprise there , she 's known me most of our lives after all . I take a larger sip and wait . " Ok so we 've decided it 's time to come clean with you . " Not what I was expecting . Over the course of the next several hours my family told me what they had been hiding from me . For years . It turns out my family is full of killers . Not just in defense but flat out , cold blooded killers . I mean , yes I knew my Mikey was a monster , and that my sisters and brothers all had particular skills . I suppose it hadn 't occurred to me what purpose they had set those skills to . We all have jobs of sorts . When our folks passed away Mikey and I came into some money , I 've handled my portion pretty well and haven 't had to have a 9 to 5 job in ages . Mikey drives a truck , a big ass truck . I suppose I now know the reason he loves the open road so much . The rest well … let 's just say they have day jobs and then they have jobs that prefer the night . But those are their stories to share , not mine . I don 't remember leaving , how in hell did I get home ? Mikey had to leave early , he had a run . So I know he didn 't bring me home . How much did I drink while they told me what I 'd been too dumb to see ? Jes tried to make it seem like they were just that good at hiding it but when I look back they really weren 't . I was just that good at being oblivious . Oh god , it 's not even 8 o ' clock in the morning and I already want a drink . I killed , I won 't deny it , but after months in that place one could argue I 'd snapped . My sisters , my brothers , they all told me horrible things . The only one that said nothing was Methial . He sat there beside me the entire time , his hand on my back . I vaguely recall leaning on him after a few drinks . Oh god , I need to call Jes . She 'll tell me it was all just stories . A prank . I need my phone , maybe it 's in the kitchen ? I walk into the kitchen and notice an unfamiliar jacket on the back of one of the chairs . I thought I gave it back to Methial when we went inside . I glance around and notice the back door is open . Given my recent paranoia I know I didn 't leave it open . I look out onto the deck , he 's sitting on the steps smoking a cigarette . The smoke curls around his head , almost a caress , before it drifts away . There 's a mug beside him and only now do I realize that I smell coffee . I guess I know how I got home . Dear god , please tell me I didn 't do anything stupid last night . Well stupider . " He can 't help you , you know . " He didn 't even acknowledge my presence until he spoke . He 's still looking into the trees . And what the fuck did he mean by that ? " God is what I mean . He can 't help you . Well he could , but he won 't . " He gets up , sticks his cigarette into the pot of dirt beside him , picks up his mug , and comes back inside . Without more than a smirk in my direction he drains his cup , grabs his jacket , and heads for the front door . " I 'll see you later Dee . We have a few things to discuss . " After the door closes I can move again , I run after him , flinging the door wide , but he 's gone . Just gone . No motor , and it 's a long driveway so it 's not as if he could already have driven out of sight . There 's a wide area around the house before the trees take over and I don 't see him anywhere . Back into the house , Jes 's voicemail picking up before I even realize I have my phone in hand . " Jes , you need to call me . Like now . Or ten minutes ago . Or come over . Who the hell is this guy ? I need more answers from you . I don 't suppose you 'd be willing to tell me that yesterday was a bad dream ? Or a prank ? Just call me , please . " All I got was a text . " He 'll explain . " Like that helps . And why wouldn 't she call instead ? I 'm officially creeped out . Raven called me . She said she was sorry that she 'd lied to me about what she was doing . She also apologized for telling me the truth . I can 't fault her for that . After I got off the phone with her though I realized I didn 't want to talk to any of the family . So maybe it 's better that Jes didn 't call . I need a shower … or maybe a nice long bath instead . After I locked everything up , I soaked in the tub for a couple of hours . Bubble baths are my weakness . Every little sound was making me jumpy but I was bound and determined to enjoy my bath . Afterwards I wander the house to make certain everything was still locked up tight . This has become a ritual the last few nights . Ok time for sleep . I turn on my bedside lamp , slip under the covers , and turn over . Right into Methial . Ok my throat hurts , I 'm not sure how long , or how loud I was screaming . My back hurts which I guess is what happens when you try to shove yourself through the corner . He 's bleeding . Oh my god he 's bleeding ! What the fuck did I do ? " Methial ? " Ok whispering isn 't helpful . Did I even make a sound ? He 's looking at me . Ok I couldn 't have hurt him too bad , he 's smiling . He 's smiling and walking towards me . He 's not walking , he 's stalking , and that smile scares me . From the top of my head to the very tips of my toes I do not believe there is a single spot on my body that is not complaining . I wish I could say it was a good pain that I 'd had an exceptional workout , or even better absolutely mind blowing sex . God that would be nice . But no , it 's his fault I feel this way but nothing nearly so pleasant . When I got home from work on Friday I had stopped to pick us up our usual . We normally have pizza , a couple of ice cold beers , and watch a movie or two before we fuck the night away . Our version of celebrating the week 's end . He arrived before me which , although unusual , wasn 't a big deal . He 's had a key to my place for six months now after all . He seemed a little out of sorts but it had been a hell of a week so I thought nothing of it . We ate pizza , drank beer , watched the third of a movie , and out of nowhere his fist connected with the side of my head . Next thing I knew I woke up here . I think that was five or six days ago . It might be longer . He hits me so hard I pass out and I have no idea how long until I wake again . Ignoring that I still have no idea what the fuck happened , or why he 's doing this , I can 't figure out why I 'm tied to a bed of all things . It 's even comfortable sort of . It 's hard for anything to be comfortable when you 're covered with bruises , cuts , and even a couple of broken bones ( I think a rib , and a bone in my leg but I can 't be sure about any others ) . And although at some point he stripped me , he seems to be putting a blanket on me as if to let me freeze would be unacceptable . When he comes into the room he puts a straw into my mouth , lets me drink some water . But there has been nothing to eat . As I 'm still breathing I can 't help but think he 's doing something when I pass out to keep me alive but why ? Ok what do I absolutely know ? He 's nuts . Ok that 's not going to help . I did notice that the leg that seems to be broken is also the one tied to the least stable of the posts . I think that 's why he broke the bone . I can The door opens , and he enters the room . He miles at her , and offers her the straw . She turns her head . He orces the straw between her lips and she does nothing . " rink " She shakes her head at him . " ou need to drink or you 'll feel all of this . Now be a good little girl and do as you 're told . " He oesn 't appreciate the glare he 's receiving and he slaps her , hard . " rink " " I want to know why I 'm here . Why are you fucking torturing me ? " Her voice doesn 't change , he damaged her vocal cords at some point , he was afraid she might scream . " Because you 're a fucking whore that 's why ! I found your phone with those messages ! To some guy named Brad . You 're MY girlfriend and you 're talking about fucking him ! How you can 't wait to have him … . " He turns away for a moment , shaking uncontrollably . Brad … . Brad , this is about my ex boyfriend from five years ago Brad ! It hadn 't occurred to her to clear an old phone , she 'd chucked it in a drawer and forgotten about it . She starts to giggle , she can 't help it , and she can 't stop it . Even when his fist connects with her cheek she giggles through the pain . " Did you even look at the dates dipshit ? " It 's the last she manages to get out before he connects with her mouth , shattering her teeth . She can 't move so she chokes to death on the pieces that fall into her throat . She 's dead a good half hour before he stops hitting her . Staring out my slightly open window , watching the snow fall gently to the ground . The world sleeps , rests , renews while the stars twinkle brightly , the moon high above me , the hour late . Christmas is only a couple more sleeps away , and I already begin to feel the excitement . I will try to sleep again this year but already I know the cause is lost and that I might as well find another way to occupy my time . Every year , every Christmas , it 's always the same . As a child my patience was necessary , I would wake earlier than everyone else in the house , probably earlier than anyone else in town if I am honest . I would allow my sister to sleep for at least an hour , sometimes I would be kind and leave her until 6 . Then Dad around 6 : 30 or 7 , but Mom was always to be left until at least 7 : 30 and no presents were to be opened until after breakfast . And no , the orange in our stockings was not breakfast . I know , I asked . As I grew I was still up at the same time , 4am comes early but sleeping later than that was impossible . After I moved away I found myself rattling around all night , disturbing my roommates . So I began my yearly routine . I would wait for the house to fall asleep and then go out for a walk or a drive . Of course I hadn 't planned anything more ; I was merely trying to occupy myself . Then HE happened . I drove to the park . You know the one ? Down at the end of Main Street . Of course you do . I sat on the swings , under the gently falling snow . The night was much like tonight , perhaps that 's why the memory is so strong . The swing slowly moved , my feet touching the ground just barely , my breath steaming , drifting into the night sky . The night was quiet , peaceful . Until " Would you like a push ? " I don 't believe I screamed but if I didn 't it was a near miss . This is going to make me sound a little crazy , I 'm well aware of it but although he was standing there behind me , he wasn 't really there . I mean he was , I could see him , I could hear him , but I absolutely could not touch him . My hand passed right through him . It didn 't stop him from giving me a push on the swing though . Somehow he was able to affect it , and me . I spent the night swinging back and forth , chatting with … . a ghost I suppose . As dawn began , as the sun began to send its rays across the snow causing the world to glitter , he asked me if I would come back . He 'd been alone for so long , he was so lonely , I couldn 't say no . But the only time he 's around is Christmas , or at least it 's the only time he can interact with the rest of us , with the living I suppose . I 've gone back for the last five years , every Christmas Eve . I sit on the same swing and wait for the sun to set . I 've got my own place since then , no more roommates to disturb but now I couldn 't stay home even if I wanted to . He needs me after all , he has no one else . It 's Christmas Eve . It 's cold out tonight . As time 's gone by he 's been gaining substance . Last year I was finally able to hug him , even kiss him . He was cold , and after a short period of time my hands slipped through him again but I did touch him . Is it possible to fall in love with a ghost ? How am I able to touch him now ? I 've been trying to figure it out for the last year but it 's not exactly something you can find in the library or online . Of course there are theories . None of them seem feasible though . I 'm hoping desperately that it 's the same tonight . I 've been dreaming about touching him for 365 nights , and tonight I 'll find out . " Would you like a push ? " He 's here ! I get off the swing and I 'm in his arms . He 's solid ! How is this even possible ? " I hope you weren 't waiting long . " " Only a year love , not long at all . " I smile at him , and then he 's kissing me . I 'm on fire , every cell in my body yearning for him . How can he do this ? No more thinking , just feeling . This was by far the easiest transition yet . Foolish woman . She let me in , more and more each year . I need to learn about this " internet " . It wasn 't around last time . As he walks away the swing slowly stops moving . The woman 's hands frozen to the metal chains , her cheeks slowly losing their vibrant pink , her last breath drifting to the sky . What follows are true life tributes to a man that we all adore , for he is special to each and every one of us . Matt , Happy Birthday Brother . Enjoy ❤ A little over a year ago , I met this man . I thought he was eye bursting beautiful , and I still do . He 's mad , off his nut , and his mind is one of the darkest I 've encountered . While it should frighten me , and does on occasion , I find him fascinating . I could stare all day and just watch the beast behind his eyes work . Now if this seems like a love letter , there is good reason for that . It is . Get your minds out of the gutter , it 's not like that . Yes , he is handsome , but photographs don 't tell the real story . His eyes are that blue and no camera in existence could do them justice . Nor can it portray the down to earth , and personable guy that he really is . He 's just like everyone else , except he isn 't I admire Matt Farnsworth , truly . His spark of madness is more a raging fire , and it bothers me , in a good way . I 'm laughing out loud in the dark writing this , because in Dallas when I first had the opportunity to meet Matt and Diane Foster at Twisted Tails , he glared at me , and I deserved it , and it really did scare me . It was wonderful . I sense the smirk … . . Meeting Matt was like , to be all squishy , ew , coming home . To the family I 'd known existed all along , and now knew . Okay stop laughing , I mean it ! He loves his TOK Family one and all , and it shows with every post , tweet , share and retweet . His madness is immense . And I give thanks . Creative minds are everywhere . Everyone has a spark , a creature within themselves that will devour if given the chance to escape its confines . Matt 's broke free , his madness ran amok and out of this he created a creature I happen to like . Marcus Miller , The Orphan Killer . This , my friends , is no ordinary psycho , no common HellSpawn . No , this one is mean and brutal and will make you cringe with every swing of his axe . Yeah okay I have a crush on Matt 's Monster . But I 'm his Minion , so it 's allowed . Within the dark the light shines . It gives the power to unlock the best of the mind . On this day the world was given a child , who would become a Dark King , and from mind of this King , a star was born . Hail to the King ! Long will he reign down his slashes of pure horror and gore ! May this day bring you the light and happiness from all that stand with you . Who would have known that Social Media would impact my life in such a way ? Not me . About 10 months ago I logged onto Twitter and there they were , the most beautiful set of eyes I had ever seen . Piercing blue pools that captured my heart . Now thanks to them I have the most wonderful family , yes family , and it all started with those eyes ….… Happy Birthday my King , may there many more . To you I am eternally grateful . You have given so much to me , I will never be able to repay . I hope your day is filled with the love you so richly deserve ! Happiest of birthdays Matt , forever and always , Diana , aka Madness Addict He stands … Tall . . Proud , his essence flows around him . The world sees him . Mesmerizing blue eyes . The kind you do get lost in . Handsome face , no wait , I take that back , devastatingly handsome face . Wicked smile , the kind you know loves mischief and is all about that every day . The madness , oh yes the madness , it circles him , engulfs him , cascades all around him like a turbulent waterfall . This man stands . Women adore him , love him , dream and write stories about being with him . Men adore him , love him and yes want to be with him also . I see this yes but I also see something else in every picture of those beautiful baby blues . I see a man whose talent , intellect , and heart drove him to be where he is today . He has a poet 's heart , moving , caring , understanding and the way he treats his fans proves this 100 % . He has a painters eye , one can only look at his artwork and see the depth of his talent and the passion of his mind . His artwork stirs something inside . Gaze upon his creations and you are swept away by beauty and heart . When I first laid eyes on him , which will be a year this coming Sept . 16 , I thought I saw an angel for the first time . When I followed him and in seconds he followed me back and said Hello … well , I was lost … I was his … That . Is . All . * giggles * . Okay I was wrong about the angel part ! ! ! Then as the months past and I could see how he treated me and his fans with love , caring and respect . I was in awe , no other celebrity shows that much attention to his fans . Then I watched TOK for the first time . The sheer pleasure I got from watching this I can never put into words . The fear I felt for Marcus , the love I felt for Audrey was something I couldn 't understand at the time . I understand now , I was in Horror Lust and the sheet talent and madness of this man showed through onto celluloid like a raging bull in a China shop . So yes … . I 'm lost in those baby blues , I 'm in awe of his talent and mind , and yes I love my Brother . My heart fills with love , respect and gratitude when I think of Matt Farnsworth and Diane Foster and the whole TOK Family . My family accepts me , loves me , understands me . You have given my weird heart a home where I can be me and never be told to stop being weird . Matt , I just want to say thank you for accepting me , for all the love you show me and us fans . For taking time out of your busy day to talk to us . I want you to know you are amazing and as a fan I will always be there to support and give you as much love and encouragement that my heart can hold . It has been nearly a year to the day , August 31st , since you followed me on twitter . The moment I saw you , I was forever lost in those baby blue pools of MADNESS of yours . I have been stuck there since , and " prey " to never be found . You came to me during one of the lowest points in my life , lifted me up , gave me a family that I can truly , cruelly , count on . You gave me peace , and hope . Through the madness you possess , and convey , you have shown me the person I am meant to be , and have led me to the love I was meant to have , the family I deserve . The love , loyalty , attention , respect , and affection that you , and our Queen , show to your fans is like no other . Like nothing I ever expected . I thank you , my Dark One , for every moment that your follow on twitter , ( only my sixth lol ) , has given me . All the love , support , encouragement , MADNESS , and BLOODY BRUTALITY you have brought into my life . You , Diane , David , Officer Hunt , Audrey , Marcus , Esper , Donna , Nicky . You have each impacted and changed my life , my world , in the cruelest , most brutiful ways . 1 year ago this month I was introduced to the greatness that is our # DarkKing . First thing for me was those piercing eyes . They take hold & don 't let go … . draw you in . Then you realize what a creative genius he really is . Absolutely brilliant . That 's what keeps you hooked . Here 's wishing you the cruelest & most brutal of birthdays my # DarkKing ! ! Much love ! ! Amber ( @ peacham21 ) It was a very dark time for me . I was fighting many battles and felt as if I was drowning in an endless sea of despair . Abandoned by some I had come to trust … I felt alone and lost when one night I opened up my computer and there he was , staring at me with eyes of blue infinity that pierced through my soul . A bewitching smile that barely contained the madness I could sense behind it and in time I embraced fully . A heart so large and full of love for all those that follow him . How could I resist this ? He saved me that night and many times since … I know he has done the same for many others . His amazing warmth & friendship breathed new life into me … I found a new sense of purpose and a new family to call Mine . It has been a year since that fateful night and my life has been forever changed . What the future holds I cannot say but I do know this … I will always be his Princess and he my Dark King . Happy birthday Matt and let there be many many more to come ❤ ❤ Caro xo ❤ I 've been trying to find the right words for the last few days . You know which ones I mean . The words that tell my Dark King , my friend , my brother , just what he means to me and how happy I am to have him in my life . The words to tell him Happy Birthday without having it seem , I don 't know , trite . There will be many people sending him wishes for a happy day , telling him they love him , and how happy they are to know him . And while all of that is valid and I do wish him the happiest of days , and I am blessed to have him in my life , and I do love him more than he knows … . It all seems lacking somehow . So , how do I tell him that when he puts up his " madness " pictures that I would be ever so willing to go help him in his mischief ? Or that when he gives us a photo where he looks annoyed , stern , or even a little pissed that I want to either hide or beat up whoever it is that put that look on his face . Mostly though it 's those smirks and smiles that I can 't explain properly . You see , even when I 'm hurting , or sad I can look at one of them and it 's like I can feel him hugging or teasing me . Somehow everything seems to just settle down , and even if he can 't feel me hugging him back , in my mind I am . So how do I tell him all that he means to me ? How thankful I am to his parents for bringing him into this world , and raising him to be the man he is ? How much I appreciate everything he does , and for allowing me into his world ? I just can 't find the words to say it all . So I guess I 'll simply say ; I feel as if these words describe not only my heart but my soul as well . Can a soul be shattered ? I feel as if there is nothing left to wake up for in the morning , nothing left to care about , nothing left to live for . It has all passed me by and I was looking the other way . My mind is wandering , aimless , unsure . Lost in a morass of fear , doubt , pain . My focus is gone , my thoughts scattered to the four winds , hidden from myself . Before I had hearts , hands , souls to help me find my way back . Now , now I am alone . I know who I am , who I am supposed to be , what my purpose is . I have found though that I do not care . It began several months ago . I am only now free of that place , that man , the drugs , and the fear . Well perhaps not the fear . If I were free of the fear I would not be constantly glancing over my shoulder , would I ? I would not have a need to have every light in the house turned on , only turning them off in the light of day . When my sisters see my electric bill they will not be pleased with me . Oh dear god , my sisters . I 'm going to have to tell my sisters . Of course , it would have been nice if even one had noticed that I was not attending our usual Sunday dinners . Noticed and then come to see if they could locate me . I know I have missed a dinner or two in the past but I have never missed without letting someone know . Normally I would have contacted someone . My other sisters have missed previously , without a call , or a text . I 've always made a point of swinging by to see if everything was alright … . No , this is his fault . His alone . Not theirs . They would not have known where to look for me , and had one come along perhaps he would have kept her as well . Or killed her . No I can 't think about that . I must remember that everyone else is alright . I could not bring myself to speak with any of them tonight , I needed to come home , shower . Did you know that showering in an empty house can be terrifying ? The silence is oppressive . However do not turn on the radio or television before you shower . The silence is preferable to the sounds that cover up footsteps , breathing , doors opening … . Stop ! I went by our family home before I came here . I silently peered through the living room window , and in doing so determined it was Sunday . The wine was open , popcorn made , they were watching a movie . It 's one we 've all watched several times in the past . I was surprised to see my brothers as well . They seldom join us and I will admit that I wanted to go inside , crawl into the lap of one of our boys , and stay there . Of course I could not let them see me like that . Stolen clothes , covered in blood ( not all of it mine , he felt pain before he died ) , my hair full of dirt , my skin covered in cuts , bruises , needle tracks … . Thank God I have seven days until Sunday . My family is a little … unusual . We are none of us family by blood , simply by choice . We found each other gradually over the years . We know that we will most likely find more as time passes , it is the nature of our bond . We have had siblings leave , their paths veering away from ours . We have also suggested , rather firmly I might add , that a sibling or two is no longer welcome in the family home . I cannot help but wonder if my recent actions will cause my departure to be desired . We each have a virtue that we identify with strongly . My gift has been eloquence , the capability to speak and be heard , to bring the truth to light without causing offense . I have been told that although I was not born with a silver spoon , I was blessed with a silver tongue . My family knows that a portion of my gift is the ability to broadcast my desired outcome , the positive emotions that I wish to be felt by the others involved . I have recently found out that I am also capable of permitting my fear , my anger , and my hate to be felt by others as well . How I wish I had never been taught that lesson . I don 't actually know how it began , one moment I was home , the next I was not . The day had begun like most any other . My phone ringing . It was , of course , one of my sisters . Raven needed my help . Her primary talent is Justice but she sometimes let it over take her . She 'd gotten herself into a little bit of a pickle and needed me to talk to the group and smooth things over . Not a huge issue . So I told her I would have a quick shower , then head on to meet up with her . I never made it . I was in the shower , I heard a thump and I called out . I thought one of my sisters was over . I saw a shadow on the curtain . And then nothingness . When I awoke all I could feel was heat , surrounding me , entrapping me . No escape . I couldn 't move , my eyes opened in panic to see nothing , darkness . I couldn 't help myself and I began to twist , whimper , cry . Suddenly I was able to move , the heat dissipating , and I felt a light touch on my arm . " Shhhhh … relax my sweet . Everything is fine , you 're safe . " A soft , masculine voice , unfortunately not a familiar voice . " Where am I ? Why can 't I see ? " I wanted to shout with every fiber of my being , but that never gets anyone anywhere . I felt myself broadcast a little of my fear , just a small amount . I didn 't know if it would work , I 'd never tried fear before . Concern but never fear . But then again , what had I ever truly been afraid of ? " No my sweet , none of that . " I felt a sharp prick in my arm and that was the end of that . Every time I woke he was there . If I tried to broadcast my emotions , another needle . If I screamed , another needle . If I cried , or carried on in any fashion , again the needle . As time passed I began to wake more quietly . I felt around my space using what senses I had available . As touch and sight were out of the equation I had to listen , keep myself calm and pay attention when he entered the room . Jes saw a light on and decided to stop . She said she thought I was out of town . Wanted to know where I went for six months without telling anyone . Six months . She also gave me shit for disappearing on our sister . She had to go help Raven , though she said there was a bad taste left behind that nothing could fix . I told her to stop ranting at me that I 'd explain on Sunday what happened so I only have to do so once . The light was behind me so she couldn 't see the bruises . Anyway , after a time ( I 'm not sure how long ) I realized that when it was really quiet , I could hear other voices . The only one that seemed able to tell when I was broadcasting was the man in charge of me , so to speak . I began to send out gentle waves of concern . I could sense a woman in the room to my left , and a man in the one to my right . I knew without trying though that he wasn 't going to be around much longer . I could feel he was letting go . I tried to send him courage , strength , hope . All I received in return was despair . The next time I woke , I sensed nothing . He was gone . The next day I made contact , of a sort , with the woman . I could tell when she was medicated , when she was simply sleeping , and when she was awake . Sleeping meant nightmares . Fear . Awake meant terror . I could only help for short periods of time . Her fear , her terror , increased my own . So I had to keep my contact with her to a minimum . I believed that instead of becoming despondent like that man had , that she was losing her mind . There were times I heard her screaming , but the laughing was the worst . Neither lasted long though , and then I could sense she 'd been drugged again . My captor was away more . I had more time between his visits . More time awake . I 'd begun to notice that my body was in pain . The only times I knew anyone was in the room was when he would come in and the world would disappear with the prick in my arm . I started to wonder what was happening when I was unaware . I 'm not certain how long it took but I must have built up a resistance to the drug . He didn 't know as I tried to be silent when I woke . I could hear him in the room sometimes , writing on occasion , sounds I didn 't recognize other times . I would stay silent , contained , hidden . I would wait , sometimes half an hour , sometimes longer before I 'd try to send out calm , hope , to the lady in the next room . If I didn 't wait long enough he would come back and I 'd get another needle . I finally woke very early one day . I could feel his hands on my body . He was touching me , everywhere . Pinching , squeezing , slapping . No wonder I hurt every day . After that nearly every time I woke he was touching me in some manner . I did my best to remain calm , quiet , let him think I was still out . I didn 't always succeed . Then one day I felt the needle when he came in , but I didn 't go completely under . I could hear him talking to another man . I couldn 't track the words though , the drug made that nearly impossible . I couldn 't move either but I was aware . And then I wished I wasn 't . They took turns using my body . Not just the two , but several men . Different touches , different voices , different men all using my body for their enjoyment . Now I knew why I was bound , blindfolded , why I was being held against my will . My terror overwhelmed me , and that was all I knew for a while . Next time I woke I awoke screaming . He spoke to me and I did not stop , I think it was a few days before I woke again . He changed my drug , I was solidly out again . This time when I woke I planned . I needed to get out . I 'd been waiting , hoping that one of my sisters would arrive , tell me that I was in the hospital , tell me what had happened . They would never have left me in a place like this though . So now I knew , I had to get out on my own . But how ? My hands and feet were firmly strapped to the bed . I wondered about the lady in the other room . Was she trapped as I was ? Were they doing to her what they were doing to me ? Then a couple of days ago , while it was still quiet all around me , I woke suddenly . In the silence I could hear her tears . Her fears filled the room with screaming , though there was no sound to be heard . Her pain , her sense of loss , her anguish surrounded me , drowning me in her . I began to speak . Softly , gently , low . If there was anyone walking past none but she could hear . And she heard . If only she had not heard . My words fueled her , commanded her . My words drove her . Her actions were my thoughts . My pain , my sorrow , my hatred . Her body was free , mine was not . My mind , my voice were all I had . She became my avatar . My puppet . My saviour . Their death . She had been unresponsive for days . They no longer bothered to bind her to the bed . When her controller entered the room , she used my anger , my hatred , my out and out uncontrollable rage as her fuel . I whispered thoughts of death , mayhem , blood and she made them real . When he was dead I still did not release her from me . She killed the man in the hall , tore him limb from limb . After she released me from my bindings I stumbled to the door , leaning against it I looked out and watched his life merge with the water he had been washing the floor with . I did not mourn him though . If he was not one of the men that raped us , then he left us to them . God damn it , who 's here now ? I need to finish this . I need to get it out . But the doorbell is ringing . I 'll be back . I need to be more careful . Devine stopped in , noticed all the lights on , and started to walk around turning them off . I had to lie , I told her I was looking for a mouse . That I thought I 'd seen one and didn 't want to turn off the lights until I found it . She turned to look at me , she looked concerned and I thought I hadn 't done a good enough job with the cover - up but then she shivered and said she hoped I was wrong but maybe I could borrow a cat . I 'm going to have to stop leaving the lights on all the time . It 's attracting too much attention . Tomorrow I 'm going to get a lock for my bedroom door . Maybe I 'll be able to sleep . With my room at the back of the house my sisters shouldn 't notice these lights on all night . I still don 't know her name . I guess I never will now . They killed her , they killed her as if they had plunged the knife into her body themselves . But he wasn 't there yet . They 'd called him so he was on his way . But he wasn 't there yet and none of the others seemed to feel my broadcast as an outside thing . We 'd gotten part way down the hall . We were opening doors , trying to release anyone else we found . We only found two others that could walk . There were others but they weren 't going anywhere . One man had his legs broken , and they didn 't set them properly . He told me he 'd tried to escape and that was his punishment . He asked me to kill him . I told him I couldn 't . I should have then , I did later but not by choice . She 'd picked up the mop , and broken off the handle . As I was untying another lady she turned and put it through some guy 's throat . He came running into the room , yelling at us . She didn 't like the yelling . I tried to rein in my emotions a little , the other lady was becoming violent as well and I realized I was still affecting them . I should have let it be though . We found a man near the end of the hall , he could walk but there was something about him that made me nervous . We let him free anyway and he joined us . We went around a corner and into a large open space , there was a kitchen area on the other side of the room and I could see knives from where I was standing . I thought it was odd that there was no one around but I took it as a blessing and we went across the room . We each collected a couple of knives . The new lady didn 't want to but I told her to grab a couple anyway . I said she didn 't have to use them but it would keep her from looking like easy prey . As we slipped into the next hallway , I noticed all the doors were open , no one to rescue , nowhere for anyone to be hiding . I started to calm down . I could see the doors leading to the outside world just a few meters away . As I calmed down so too did my companions , but I didn 't see it . I was walking in front with the first woman . I really wish I 'd asked her name . As my emotions settled , my broadcast ebbed . I thought we were all there for the same thing . I thought we were all being used in the same manner . I have to admit I was confused when behind me I heard a gurgle . As we turned around we saw that the man we had rescued had cut the other woman 's throat . He was smiling . He was covered in her blood , and he was smiling as he moved towards us . I froze . And because I froze so did the lady I started all of this with . Because she froze , he plunged a knife into her stomach . He did it almost as an afterthought . He was walking towards us , his eyes holding my own , he was nearly past her , she had stopped sooner than I did . Then his hand moved almost lazily to the side and I heard the sound of the knife plunging into her . His smile grew as he pulled it back out , his hand covered in gore as he sliced to the side . He made it two more steps towards me , a couple more and he would be close enough to kill me too , and still I stood . My fear had paralyzed me , he was nearly to me when he stopped with a look of confusion on his face . He should have made certain she was dead , or at least down for the count . Her pain woke her from my fear . Her kitchen knives were in his back . One in the middle , one looked to be in his kidney . As he fell her eyes locked on mine . I caught her before she hit the ground , I held her as she bled out , I cried as the light left her eyes , and I could no longer feel her presence . I 'm not certain how long I sat on the floor with her in my arms . Her blood pooled around me on the floor , his blood mingled with hers but I could not make myself move further away . I hear the doorbell but I need to finish this now . Whoever it is can come back later . It 's taken me two days to get this far , and I have yet to sleep . Maybe when I finish I will . I heard voices coming towards me . One man was talking on a cell phone , telling someone that we were free , that the others were dead , I was the only one remaining . I waited until he was off the phone , until he and the other men were closer , and then I sent them my rage . Their targets ? Each other . I sent my rage , my hatred , and my fear to all of them . The one with the phone suddenly turned to the man beside him and the phone went through his mouth . That was the only one to die quickly . As he turned to another , he turned his back to one and he suddenly lost a part of his spine . He collapsed and I watched him die . It took a while . The one holding the spine suddenly had a chair smash over his head . I lost track of what was happening for a little while as the remaining 5 men made each other bleed . When it was down to one , I put her gently on the floor , took up my knives and walked towards him . I sent him wave upon wave of trust , love , desire . By the time I was close to him he was rather randy . I let him watch as I cut it off . Then one of my knives went through his eye into his brain , he was dead before his scream fully materialized . I went and sat back with the lady , pulled her back onto my lap , and told her that they had paid for what they did to us and that I was going to take a short rest before I went home . I believe I passed out for a while . The next thing I remember is looking up and seeing the man that was my controller . I 'd never seen him before but I recognized his voice when he spoke . He tried to take her away from me . I screamed , loud . He reached into his briefcase and pulled out a needle . I know it was to calm me down but after everything I had just been through I was not going back into that room . No one would touch me again . This man would not get near enough ever again . As he came closer I gathered my strength , and flung her at him . It knocked him over , the needle went flying . By the time he got out from under her , the needle was in my hand , and then in his arm . He was out in moments . Had I left then I could have told my family what happened . They would have helped me deal with the repercussions , with the stress , and the fear . I would have spent the last two days with my sisters helping me to pack while my brothers went looking for a new place for me , something with enough security to please them . But I didn 't . I should have but I stayed . I took him to one of the empty rooms that we had passed , I didn 't think there would be enough time to put him through even half of what we went through but I wanted him to feel fear . So I put the cuffs on him , and a blindfold . The door closed , locked , just in case . In another drawer I found a gag , I didn 't want him to be able to distract me , to make me change my mind . I didn 't want to hear him beg . And then I waited for him to wake . It must have been a low dosage as he woke no more than an hour later , I think . I 'm afraid my sense of time has escaped me somewhat . He jerked awake , his screams muffled by the gag , his muscles straining against the cuffs . I spoke quietly to him . He had to stop screaming if he was to hear my words . He did for a moment , and then he realized what I was saying . The screams began again . As he thrashed , and pulled I slid a knife under his pants leg . He felt the cool metal and stopped moving . I think he was afraid that I might cut him . Up one leg at a time , at the top I allowed the blade to touch his manhood , gently but enough to make him scream in fear . As I cut his shirt off I turned the blade over and left a thin slice along his pectoral muscles , very lightly , it was barely there . But it made him shriek and I was beginning to enjoy his muffled sounds . That should have told me it was time to leave but I didn 't want to . After I disrobed him I began to broadcast my fear to him . He was already afraid and I made him terrified . I whispered softly to him , telling him what I wanted him to do , what I wanted him to feel . I told him what she had felt , what she had done , and I whispered that he would do so much more . I took control of his feelings , subtlety playing no role . I told him a story about what had been done to she and I from our perspectives . I told him a tale about how he was going to make it up to us . I could feel his resistance , his desire to break free from my control , and I laughed . And then I amplified it all twice again as much . I shattered him , and then … . then I released him from the bonds . I instructed him to harm himself . And he did as he was bid . He cut himself , so deeply that I could see bone , and sinew . He sliced his own legs so deeply that the muscles we no longer attached , he could not have stood , walked , run … nothing , and I was pleased . But still it wasn 't enough , and I was lost to my own madness . I took the knife back , and tied him back to the bed . I 'd been preventing him from feeling the pain so far . The pain would have given him strength to break my control and I could not allow that . As soon as he was bound tightly , I released my control including the pain suppression . He roared and then passed out . Somehow some sanity broke through . I could not leave him as he was , but I no longer desired to torture him . I picked up the knife and I slit his throat . Within moments I was bathed in his blood , and yet I stood there . I watched until there was no chance of life remaining . And still I felt unsafe . I lost what control I had regained and the next thing I recall his head was no longer attached to his body . His legs weren 't even in the same room . I left his hands bound as I pulled on a lab coat I found in a closet at the back of the room . I didn 't even try to wash up . Suddenly the fear was overwhelming me again . Any moment someone was going to walk through the door and I was never going to leave this place . I tried to school myself , control it . I couldn 't leave things as they were . Eventually someone would show up even if it wasn 't right now . If they didn 't call the cops , and I was fairly certain they wouldn 't , this would continue . They 'd do this to someone else . Some part of me knew that there were others still tied to their beds but they were dead already , even if they were still breathing . I couldn 't rescue them , and by the time I could get help I was positive that the people running this place would have killed them rather than move them . This was my rationalization . And so I went back to the kitchen , I went through the cupboards and I found alcohol . I poured some out down the hallway I had been in . I poured the rest down the hallway I would leave by , and over that man 's body . Then I went back and lit all the candles I could find . I put them by the trails of booze , by the oven . I sure hoped this was going to work , it did in the movies . I kept one candle with me and I went back to the kitchen to turn on the gas stove . I wasn 't sure candles would set it off but I was fairly sure that a fire would . As I got to the doorway leading to freedom I lit my candle , left the flame up on the lighter I 'd found , and tossed them both down the hall towards the booze . I peered out the door carefully . It was dark enough outside that I felt I could slip into the shadows unobserved . When I was a little a couple of blocks away I heard an explosion , I could see flames in the distance . What do you know , it worked . I still don 't know how I made it to the family home . Or even why I went that way at all . My place would have been closer , there would have been no risk of a family member spotting me had I just gone home . And well , here I am . Somehow I made it home from there . I am dreading Sunday . For the first time ever I am afraid to go to my family . I could lie to them . I could make up a story , something easy , light . Something with no blood , no pain , no death . I could . But I love them . I made a promise long ago , no lies . Not within the family . They all know what I can do , although they don 't know what I am capable of . They will though . It won 't be long and I will be alone , adrift , shunned . There 's the doorbell again . It 's being held down , that means it 's Jes and she won 't leave until she gets her way . I 'll go talk to her and then I 'm going to try to sleep . I close the book , check my makeup to be certain she won 't be able to tell anything , and go answer the door . It 's not just Jes , it 's Raven as well . She 's hoping I can help her out and this time she 's taking me with her . It doesn 't matter that I 'm exhausted , I 'll go and do my thing for my sister . I only hope I can control my emotions . I can 't exactly be broadcasting fear every time someone comes near me , touches me , invades my space … . crap . Jes comes back down the hall from the washroom and I tease her about falling in . She laughs and tells me it 's time I changed the lock on that door , that it tries to keep her in every single time . I tell her not to worry about that door , that I 'm going to start looking for a new place tomorrow . That this place is too big for just me . My sisters , the loves that they are , offer to help and as we head out we discuss what I 'm looking for in a new place . Raven insists that this time I get a place with a pool . As we get into the car we 're laughing , it very nearly drowns out the screaming in my head . |
Author 's note : This was my first story . I don 't know if it 's creepy , or even good , but I wrote it to get out of the Slender Man paranoia phase I was in . If you made it this far to read this , I thank you , and I 'm not going to ask for comments or opinions , but I would appreciate them . Thank you for reading , and I will try to keep writing . I would begin with the date , but , the truth is , I have been in here so long that I don 't even know what time of day it is . They gave me this pen and paper to shut me up . So I feel I must write my story here . My story … well first off , I know I am not supposed to start by saying that I 'm not crazy , but I want to reassure you . I 'm not . I wouldn 't be sitting here if I was , well , all the others like me say the same thing . I tell myself that they put me here to protect me , to keep me from ending up like my friends . Yeah , about them , that 's what this story is about . How I got here , and what happened to them . But you have to believe what I said . I know that makes me sound worse , but please … Anyway , where do I start , probably with my name , and how this started . But where did it start , and how would I put it in words ? I 've got it ; I remember now , how and when it started . With my friend Ethan , and steadily got worse . The bell rang for our seventh period to be released , but no one moved . It was graduation week , and our school had made a rule that the seniors got to leave first . Ethan and I scowled as a brute named Dillon got up and left the room . He wasn 't passing , and probably wouldn 't next year around either . Everyone knew him , the eight year high school student . He left without a scene for once . Finally , the bell to release everyone else rang , and we crowded towards the exit like a herd of cattle . Ethan motioned me away from the rest of them like he normally does , and them waited for our other friends . We sat and waited for Kevin and Alisha . They usually dragged behind and tried to see how long we would wait for them . We had left them a few times , leaving them very pissed off . Ten minutes later , they appeared around the corner , walking slowly , and laughing at us . When we were all together , we decided to walk to my house , and headed out . Ethan walked in front as usual , and waited to tell us his newest story . Kevin walked on my left , and Alisha was behind us . " Alright guys , you won 't believe this shit . I was googling creepy stuff again , and I found this amazing story , " He began . We were closing in on the woods that we had to go through to get to my house . " And this is the perfect setting ! Have you guys heard of the Slender Man ? Well , I doubt it , but even if you had , I 'm still telling you , " He said . He was an average looking high - school kid , but he had that annoying streak like a little kid . So we let him continue his story before he whined about us always ignoring him . " Anyway , he is supposedly a creature that appears to children , and steals them away . He is said to be a tall man in a dark suit , and he has no face . The internet also says he can stretch , and has tentacles . He usually appears in foggy areas , or at night , where he can blend in and stare at you without you seeing him . I wonder if he is real … I mean , I know other monsters and internet things aren 't real , but there are so many pictures , like , the others only have one or two and they are usually drawn , but he has tons , and they all look real ! " Ethan rambled . We continued through the woods and were a ways in before Kevin finally piped up . " He 's not real . You aren 't going to find him , and we 've been through these woods for years . You 're just being an ass Ethan … " Alisha said for the first time since we started walking . Her face was white , and she was holding herself . " Hey Ethan , I think you should stop . Let 's look at it more when we get home . You 're scaring Alisha , " I said politely . After that , the night went fairly uneventful until Kevin and Alisha left . That was when Ethan felt like showing me the stories . We searched and searched , finding more and more , scaring us both . I tried to laugh it off , and ignore each new link he clicked , but the more he learned , the more scared I got . He kept searching new images , and finding new videos . Finally , I grabbed the mouse , shut down the computer , and told him to leave . I myself was thoroughly disturbed . I ate , showered , and stared at a wall to ignore the thoughts . Eventually , I went to bed , but couldn 't sleep . So I stayed awake , and watched my alarm clock tick off the minutes until morning . I shut off the alarm before it even started . As I got ready , I kept thinking , ' Why did Ethan have to show me that , and why couldn 't I stop thinking about it ? ' I was finally able to leave , but not before grabbing a knife , and my sketchbook . School was awkward to say the least . I went through the day , distracted and distant . When I gazed off through the window , I found myself drawing him . The drawings were better than how I usually draw , but more than thirty minutes would pass as I dazed . Several times , I was snapped out of it by a teacher yelling , and the quiet laughter of the class . By seventh period , my only class with Ethan , I looked completely ragged and tired . He looked me over but didn 't say much . " You seemed most likely to believe … " he said . Then he looked at my sketchbook . He pulled his out and looked at mine . Both were filled with Slender Man drawings , but not one the same . " Great , he 's in both of our brains … " Ethan stated . " I have no clue what you 're talking about . I 'm drawing to clear my mind ! " I snapped back at him . He winced and shied away before I said anything more . It took me a while to realize my hand was in my pocket , tightly squeezing my knife . I let it go , and tried to pay attention to class , but the haze kept coming back . I kept shoving it off , but it returned . Finally , I drew again . I let my hand do whatever it felt necessary while I zoned out into a world of black . " Gary … Gary … Gaaaaary … " a voice kept calling from the blackness . It kept coming closer and closer before I - " GARY ! I would appreciate you returning to class . Would you mind explaining this ? " The teacher said , holding up my sketchbook . I grabbed my knife again , but instead of running him through on the spot , I snatched my sketchbook back , and quickly replied , " Nothing … Just a doodle … " The last five minutes went as usual , a brief explanation of the homework , seniors leaving , and me and Ethan exiting to the hall . The only differences were we didn 't talk , and Kevin appeared alone . We started walking as usual , not questioning Alisha 's absence until we reached the woods . " It 's fake ! But I can 't convince Alisha of that ! She went home and started searching that Slender Thing crap and said she was sick today ! " Kevin yelled . " What do I mean you and me ? I saw you Gary , I watched it happen ! When Slender Man came near us , you started drawing , and had a perfect replica of where he was , standing right outside the window ! You tell me you 're fine ? Hah ! You 're next ! " Ethan raved . " That 's it ! " Kevin yelled . " I 've dealt with your hyper , over - imaginative ass for ten years ! You 're going to shut up , now ! " He continued . Kevin grabbed him , and threw him at the nearest tree . Ethan made no resistance , and hit the tree face first . He sat up , still laughing . " Heed what I said , the more you do , the worse you get … " Ethan spat . Kevin yelled something unintelligible , and then jumped on top of Ethan . He began pounding him in the face , Ethan laughing the whole time . " Shut up ! Shut up ! Just shut the fuck up ! " Kevin kept repeating . Normally , I would have stopped the fight , but Ethan had pissed us all off recently , so I sat and waited for it to be over . Ethan 's laughter was disturbing , but it kept getting wheezier as Kevin knocked the breath out of him . About twenty minutes later , it stopped like it began . Kevin got up , started to walk away , but looked back . " Stay away from Alisha , Ethan . I don 't want to hear any more of this , and Alisha is having trouble sleeping . " Then he walked home . I looked at Ethan as he sat there giggling . Then I began to walk away . " You 're next ! Once he 's done with me , you 're next ! " he screamed hysterically . I ignored him , and continued walking . It was already getting dark , and I still had to go through the woods . I tried to go as fast as I could , but I couldn 't help feeling watched . Every tree on the familiar path seemed suspicious . Any opening that allowed light through was his head . It kept blending together and all of it seemed like he was there . It was night before I got home . " Don 't mention it . We 're trying to forget about the whole thing … " Kevin said . His hands were bruised and cut up . Alisha looked tired and wasn 't wearing make - up for once . I probably didn 't look much better than either of them . " My place , " Kevin said . He lived alone with Alisha since their parents knew he was old enough to take care of them . The rest of the day barely fazed me . It all went by like a daze . Exams were over , and I passed all of my classes , so I didn 't care about the last three days ' bull crap . The seventh bell rang , and I got to the hall to wait for Kevin and Alisha . They got there quicker than usual . " Let 's go , I don 't wanna wait here , " Kevin said . We immediately started to head for Kevin 's , which was opposite from my house . It didn 't take long , and we didn 't say much the whole time . When we did finally get there , Alisha immediately went to her room and got on the computer . Kevin sat down on the couch , and held his head in his hands . I sat on the chair and turned on the television . We sat in silence for a few minutes before he talked . " I want you to talk to her . Ever since Ethan said that , she has been on the computer . If it weren 't for the fact that I 'd only make it worse , I 'd be there . She thinks he 's real , and says she sees him . She also keeps watching these videos and posting on some community when she does see them . I need you to snap her out of it , because Ethan will only make it worse … " he explained . " Alright … I 'll try . " I walked upstairs , and headed for Alisha 's room . I could hear the keys clacking halfway up the stairs , so I knew she was in a frenzy . As I walked in , the sight astounded me . There were drawings of him everywhere . Photos printed from the computer surrounded the desk . The bed was made , and covered with camera equipment , pointed inside and out . In the middle of it all sat Alisha , completely zoned in some website . " Me too … " It was the first time I had admitted it . The facts seemed obvious , but my mind said it was impossible . Once I let it click , a lot of the haze went away . At that , she wouldn 't answer . She acted like she hadn 't said anything , and kept searching the internet . Kevin came in a few minutes later . He cleared a space on the floor and sat down . We sat that way until dark . Then I realized my mother was probably worried . " I know . You both believe . But you have to realize , there is no way that a tall man can be wherever in the world , have no face , stretch indefinitely , and wear a suit in the woods . I mean , you 'd have to take the dry cleaning bill into consideration , you know ? " he said . I laughed a little , but Alisha ignored him . " If he was real , why can 't I see him ? " Kevin asked . " Because , you aren 't afraid . He has no use for you because he can 't manipulate your emotions . The only thing you do is piss him off and get in his way … " Alisha said . " What 's that supposed to mean ? I mean , if he wanted you , but not me , wouldn 't I be able to see him to ? " Kevin asked . " Not necessarily … He has a kind of , cloaking device . If your subconscious doesn 't want to see him , you won 't . " Alisha said . " But I want to . I don 't want to think my three friends , or two plus a whiny bitch that went crazy actually are crazy … " Kevin said . " No . No you really don 't , " I said . " We 're talking about a creature who steals children away … " Just at that moment , a white flash appeared at the window . My back was to the window , so I didn 't see it , but Kevin , who was about to say something , just sat there , with a look of shock on his face . " I … I … th - th - th - think so , " he stammered . We took the camera , and rewound it to see what came near the window . For less than a second , but just enough time to see it , the white face of Slender Man had appeared on camera , along with an ear - piercing screech that made us clutch our ears . " I see nothing , " Kevin said . He got up and left the room . Alisha and I looked at each other , and then drew the curtains . We didn 't need any more interruptions . She ignored me , but the point had been made . I know she was further than me , but only because I denied everything , and barely looked at the stuff on the internet . As I could see with her , she had been searching since Ethan said the name , and when she was away from the computer , making theories about him . " Well , Ethan is pretty bad . His behavior patterns , already fairly unpredictable , have gone off the charts this year . He 's different . I need more evidence , but I don 't think he is Ethan anymore . " She tried to explain . I shuddered at the memory of Ethan giggling in the woods , but decided not to tell her . " I don 't know , but if so , not as we know him … " she answered . Well , that wasn 't very helpful , but it gave me an idea of what was going on . I rearranged the cameras in the room , and got in her bed like I usually would when I was there . " You go to bed and try . " She took off her glasses , shut off the computer , then crawled in bed with me , stealing the blanket as she usually did . Normally , this is where some make - out scene or comfort sex would happen in a story like this , but neither one of us were in a romantic mood , and we both watched horror movies . The slightest trace of romance , and the creature came and slaughtered the lovers . She and I just slept through the night , but both of us had trouble sleeping . We woke up an hour before we had to , and got ready for the last day of school . When we were ready to go , we left Kevin a note , and began walking . I was tense , yet tired , so I felt like an old brick wall . We began to get near the woods that surrounded Kevin 's house , and Alisha grabbed my hand . I knew what she was scared of , seeing as how I had been through the woods alone . I let her do it , and we continued to school without incident . When we got there , we were early , so the school looked deserted . It took forty - five minutes for many people to show up . It was about seven twenty when we went inside , and still it hardly felt like school with how few people there were . Not many students had arrived , so the school compensated us into five classrooms . Alisha , Kevin , and I were in the same one , but with no one else we knew . We hadn 't seen Ethan , so I decided to go to his house after school . Nothing really happened , some kiss - ass students tried to make conversation with the teachers , and people discussed what we needed to do . When the bell for when second period would have normally rang , Alisha and I asked to go to the computer lab . We stayed in there looking up as much as we could through the school filter , which wasn 't much at all . About two hours later , I had to use the restroom , so I left . On my way back , I realized how quiet the school was . I went to check the other classrooms because before I left , we could still hear the rest . The first three were watching a movie , so they were being relatively quiet compared to before . As I looked at the next one , they were gone , but I could see them outside the window , so they must have gone outside to entertain themselves . I headed for the hall where the last class was , and saw what looked like a disaster . Lockers had been ripped off of the walls and papers were strewn everywhere . On each door , a symbol looking like a circle with an X through the center was carved . Several of the papers on the floor had the same symbol along with the words " It 's too late " . All the doors were open except for one , and it had a different symbol on it . This one had what looked like two eyes on top of each other in a cross shape , with one pupil staring out from the center . I checked the handle , found it locked , and tried to force it open . On the other side , I heard six loud shots . " Shit … " I muttered . I reared back , and kicked the door in . There were six black sacks hanging from the ceiling , and they all looked full . Six more bodies were on the floor where they had just been shot . Dillon , the dumb senior , stood in the middle of the room , reloading a revolver with his back to me . A hooded figure stood near the wall . I couldn 't see his face , but he had the build of an average time . " Yes … Finish them … none of them deserve … He will bless you well Dillon , " the hooded figure said . His voice was muffled , but I couldn 't figure out why . Dillon was extremely influenced by the hood figure . " Yes , now , put the gun up to your head , " the figure said . " Put the gun … up to my head … " Dillon slowly repeated . Dillon slowly complied . Two loud clicks seemed to echo around the room . Dillon stood like a rock , not moving at all . The hooded man walked around the room , bagging each body . For some reason , neither person had noticed me . " Pull the trigger … " The shot seemed magnified . Dillon 's head exploded on the right wall . His body crumpled to the ground , slumped over on his knees . The blood began to flow in a pool around his body . The hooded figure began to draw the same symbol that was on the door onto the floor in Dillon 's blood . Dillon was the center where the pupil would have been . " Gary , you can run at any time . If you try to tell anyone , guess who the number one suspect is ? " The figure said . He turned around , and I saw what was muffling his voice . There was a white mask with black rings around the eyes . " You fucking monster ! What the hell would make you do this ? ! " I screamed . I began to run towards him , but as soon as I got in arm 's reach of him , he jumped back and pulled a large knife out . " You know what . You know exactly what did this . Now , if you excuse me , I have to leave , " He said , shoving through me to run for the door . I stood in shock for a few minutes , then ran to Alisha . " Something happened , and I think He is involved . Some hooded guy in a mask just had Dillon kill twelve people , then himself . Then he ran away . Let 's go ! " We grabbed Kevin , and left the school . No teachers stopped us . It was the last day and they could care less . We ran all the way back to Kevin 's house without stopping . To save the trouble of more writing , I 'll give you a summary of what happened for the next few weeks . Nothing much . Alisha found out what a Proxy was , and the two symbols we saw . The one like eyes was the Observer symbol , and the one like a face with an X through it was the Operator symbol . The Proxies were slaves of Slender Man that had given themselves to him . We never found Ethan , or heard from him . The school shooting was listed as an extremist from a satanic cult performing a ritual . Kevin remained skeptical and non - believing , while Alisha suffered from what was called ' Slender Sickness ' She didn 't go outside at all for the first few weeks of summer , and was constantly tired . We gained about twelve more shots of Slender Man . All were near Alisha 's side of the house . The next thing that happened shocked Alisha most , because she still hadn 't heard about Kevin pummeling Ethan . Kevin sat in the floor and watched Alisha and I continue compiling information and drawings into our website . We had spent a week gaining the domain name and acquiring followers , and another two days adding a decent chat system . The website was buzzing about the new update , waiting for the expected shutdown , signifying we were updating stuff . " No … No you 're not … but whatever . Waste your summer away … " Kevin said . He grabbed his skateboard and left . We finished the update as usual , but had a few weird problems . When we got back online , the layout had changed . Instead of reading : The fans were already buzzing , and were checking all the new material , chatting about it constantly . Then , the online members bottomed out to zero , then one . His name was " IKn0wU " He immediately messaged us . The chat log looked something like this : After that last message , he immediately went offline . We took a screenshot of the conversation and posted it along with fixing the title line . The few that got back online were creeped out , and they told us to be careful . Kevin came back shortly after . It was a night with a new moon , and he didn 't like being out after dark anymore . He ate leftover pizza , showered , and went to bed early without a word . We continued to make sense of ' IKn0wU ' and his vague words . He typed better and faster than Ethan , so we didn 't think it could be him . Unless a hacker was pissed at us , we didn 't think it was a site member , so we were clueless . Eventually we got tired , and went to bed like usual , and tried to sleep . The cameras were on as usual , and we hoped for a new image . The night seemed to pass without event , and we woke up finally to check the website . What we found was shocking . The site had been hacked again , and this time the top line was changed to : " Slender Man warned you … " The chat was also acting up again . This time , IKn0wU was back , but he kept spamming us with : " I WARNED YOU BUT YOU DIDN ' T LISTEN " This was sent about one - hundred and seventy three times before he disconnected five minutes later . " He … was here , and he didn 't leave … " I said . We saw the window broken , and on his pillow was a drawing of the operator symbol with the words " YOU WERE WARNED , YOU ' VE BEEN PUNISHED , WANT TO TRY AGAIN ? " in large sloppy handwriting . Underneath his blanket was a design made out of semi - burnt photographs of Alisha and I walking to and from school down Kevin 's road . The design was another operator symbol . Alisha screamed , and I shuddered , but I quickly grabbed a camera and snapped a photo . We went upstairs , and quickly announced an update , and within five minutes had one together We called the cops , and tried explaining what happened , but they assumed we were loons and first tried to say it was a murder . But eventually , after several interviews , and searching , they agreed that it was a runaway case , and began a search in a ten - mile radius . Alisha freaked out the whole time , and I kept shuddering . We spent that day and the next questioning his disappearance . We both knew why , but we didn 't want to . Slender Man , or one of his slaves had warned us , and we ignored it . So he followed through with it . We had to stop playing around . But we didn 't . Alisha kept asking on our site who IKn0wU was , because he wasn 't a registered user . He had to have been close to have taken him , and it had to have been a Proxy . Only Proxies left human evidence . But with the date on some photos , it made me wonder , ' How long had we been stalked ? ' Some of these photos were in the middle of the school year , and a few were near the beginning of the year . Had Ethan been planned to be stopped like us before he was converted ? Or were they watching us long before this stuff anyway ? Currently Alisha had become a void shell . She seemed to have disappeared inside herself . All she seemed capable of was typing grammatically incorrect accusations on the site . We lost several followers , and several said we needed to grow up and deal with life . People thought we were a game . They thought it was cool at first , but we took it too far . But that only made Alisha worse . There were days when I couldn 't even get her out of bed . On these , I would always see random people watching me , hiding behind trees , watching from a distance , but always there . I wasn 't sure if it was paranoia , or if I was being watched , but every time on days like these , I would run home , always near the point of tears . I would slam the door , lock it , and hug Alisha . She wouldn 't respond , but I felt better . After a few weeks like this , Alisha suddenly snapped out of it . She was vacant one second , then suddenly back , as if nothing had happened . She got up , ate , and updated the site with an apology post . She refused to acknowledge what happened over the past few weeks . I thought it was incredibly weird , but tried to play along . At this point , I didn 't know what would happen next . My mother called , and I had explained I would be at Kevin 's for a while longer . I faked sounding alright so she would believe me . She sounded skeptical , but let me stay . Something I noticed was Alisha denied everything about Kevin 's existence , but still followed the Slender Man obsession . I finally decided to see what our followers had to say . I put a post up on our website , asking what they thought of our current situation , and diverted Alisha from the computer all night . I checked it again after dinner , and was surprised . Well , that was an understatement . Over one - hundred new users had joined the site in the last hour , and the chat box was exploded with constant new messages . My post was filled with comments such as : " I put it on the internet , and the Proxy net is already fast . I 'm just wondering how long we have … " We watched the site explode for a few more hours , before it finally died down . The final comment was " You will learn , " All of the new users said it once . Every single poster agreed we would learn . They never said what , but we didn 't have to ask . The night was eerily quiet . We began checking our videos and cameras for new evidence . There were about thirty new photos , all from different times . He was in each shot , staring at the camera . He knew we knew . He had seen us , and had been watching the whole time . Several of the videos showed him staring at the camera for hours at a time , and then leaving . Neither of us knew what to think . We knew that we were being observed , the Proxies proved that , but we didn 't know one of the Slender Men stayed near . The website gained one more notification . As soon as we finished reading it , a rock shattered through the window . On it , the Operator symbol was painted in a fresh red fluid . I looked outside , and about forty people were standing in the front yard . They were all wearing hoods and masks , and were staring at the house . A Slender Man stood in the distance , watching from just above the tree line . One of the Proxies stepped forward . " I would like to show you something , since you wouldn 't listen to us when we warned you , or when we punished you . You will learn … " The crowd pulled back to the curb . The masked man pulled his hood and mask off . Where the single Proxy had stood now stood Ethan . Two clicks , three , four , five , the next would surely do it , six , seven … The chamber was blank . He was going to kill her for himself . He grabbed her shoulder , and stabbed her through the stomach . Alisha kept pulling the trigger , but cried out in pain now . She fell to her knees . As she fell , Ethan let the knife rip upwards , ripping organs , cartilage , bone , blood vessels , and her clothes . I got to see the wound unzip , like a raincoat . A few mutilated intestines fell out of the wound , and blood was flowing heavily , but the trigger kept clicking . Ethan pulled the knife back , and cleaned it on Alisha 's shredded shirt . The trigger finally stopped being pulled . " See Gary , we told you to stop . I told you to quit denying it , they told you to quit while you could , but you didn 't listen . Watch her body die , it 's your final warning , " Ethan 's body said , but it wasn 't Ethan speaking . The voice of the mass rose with him . A chant began between them . Alisha 's blood pooled around the driveway . I hadn 't realized I was crying until I wiped my face . I looked down and my hand , and immediately started running downstairs . I grabbed my jacket and my knife and started chasing Ethan and the rest of the Proxies . They were all converging into the woods , but I had my target and kept running . Ethan stayed constantly ahead of me , laughing the way he did in the woods that one day . " I told you that you were next ! And here you come ! " He was screaming . I kept blindly chasing him feeling tree limbs that felt like tentacles grab me , and watching what looked like several Slender Men standing in front of me . But I kept running through them , the trees , the wind , and the tentacles . Every time I tripped , I jumped back up , and kept going . Somehow , Ethan stayed ahead of me , and kept running , even through all the Slender Men . It was like they made a path for him , and left me to follow . We finally arrived in a clearing with a stone floor . In the center , the Observer symbol was drawn around the Operator symbol . The Proxies surrounded the clearing . Ethan and I stood in the middle . A Slender Man was nearby I took my knife , and stabbed him . Here , another haze took over me . I remember stabbing him , several times , and then the crowd parting . He watched as I carved the Operator symbol on Ethan 's chest , and then looked at me . Another Slender Man began restraining me . " Son , you 're coming with me . You have the right to remain silent . Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in the court of law , " The Slender Man began saying to me . " This can 't be right … " I muttered . The handcuffs clicked tighter , and the Proxies stepped out of sight , beginning to wander in their own direction . The officer continued reading me his rights , and guiding me to his car . After that , well , that 's court records . They pronounced me criminally insane , and sent me to the nearest asylum under maximum security . I was left alone except for meals for a few weeks . They convicted me with the murders of my two friends , and tried to connect me to Kevin 's disappearance . They tried psychiatrists , therapy , and support groups to get me to talk , but that only made me look more insane . After that , they tried medication , which only made me zone out on trips to the past . When the medication was proven ineffective , they took me off , and tried to tell me the case . They said that Ethan 's story and action 's scarred me , and Dillon 's suicide made it worse . They tried to tell me Alisha and I hid away at Kevin 's house and he left the day he turned eighteen to leave us to our obsession . They told me the website was a fake . Every Slender Man photo was just a neighbor , a police man , a Private Investigator when I stopped returning my mother 's calls , and specks of dust in the night . They also tried to say that I killed Alisha in a fit of rage , and found Ethan in the woods , and slaughtered him in front of his friends , where they were getting high . I was told I made it all up , that I put myself in a mental shield so I wouldn 't have to deal with it all . And at first , I believed them . But then , He began arriving . Telling me to speak my story , telling me to get it published . Saying he had plans for me , all I had to do present my story to you . |
My country is not that big , but because of the war , we often were terrorized by the communists when going from city to city . That was why I did not get to see or know many of my relatives . I only knew a few of them that lived in the same village . I think I was closer to my village neighbors than my own uncles , aunts and cousins . I was able to see my father 's side of the family once a year for we had a day called " Ngay Gio " . It 's like a family reunion only we got together to remember our ancestors , our love ones who were dead . This was about the only time of the year I saw my relatives who lived far outside my village . After these few days were over , we parted ways and promised to see each other again next year . I was too young to remember anybody . Years later when the war became too intense to travel and the village became more dangerous for relatives to visit , that celebration could no longer being honored ; therefore , my chance of knowing any family members was even less than before . Now , so many of my relatives I will never see . I left them behind in Viet Nam along with my family 's property , our possessions , and our beloved cemetery with its cherished tradition . I listened to him complain how he will have to stay up late . I told him he needed to go to bed . This bring back lots of memories for me . When I first came to the United States , I did not speak any English . My way of communicating was using my English / Vietnamese and Vietnamese / English dictionary . This could take several hours , until all the words translated and carefully penciled in on top of the word . Then I would go back and try to read the chapters and answer the questions . Even after all this hard work I still could not understand much of the chapter . It did not make much sense , but I did my homework anyway . Months later , when I was able to know English a little better , I realized that words I tried to translate were not necessarily the same meaning of what was in the chapter or a sentence . My realization made me frustrated . I would rather not know that and just do my homework the best I could understand . With this realization I became discouraged , not wanting to study anymore , and yet I had to spend more time into the night trying to do my homework . I knew that this was the only way for me to succeed and gain education in this country . If I wanted to live here and have a future here , I HAD to learn the language . There were times when my mom peeked into my room with worried eyes because it was so late in the night , but she left me alone . She knew this was the only way for me to better myself . With this memory in mind , I told my son I loved him and goodnight . I was raised as a Catholic . As far as I remember my parents told me that we have been Catholic for many generations . I grew up going to church every Sunday and every holy obligation day . I went to Bible school every Sunday , and know to go confession at LEAST once a year . That 's what I learned , but once a year was not what my family did . According to my parents , I had to go once a month and I guess maybe because of my culture or the way I was raised , I still do whatever my parents said . I didn 't argue then and I still do it now . I remember one time I rode my bike to the church on a Saturday afternoon for my monthly confession with the priest . It took me about twenty minutes to get there , and it was raining hard , too . By the time I got to the Church , I was very wet . The confession line in the Chapel was long . I got in , kneeled at one of the chairs and did my usual prayers . After that , I stood in line with the rest of the people and waited for my turn . My heart was pumping so loud I felt that everybody could hear it . When it was my turn , the priest told me he was going ask me a few questions about the Bible lessons I learned . I don 't remember what the one question was , but I did not know the answer . The priest then opened the curtain , peeked his head out and yelled at me in front of everybody that he would not do the confession for me , to go home , study and come back next week . I left the church with a heavy heart , felt humiliated and the thought of the ride home in the rain made me want to cry . Nowadays , I try to get my children to go to the reconciliation at least twice a year , and they still complain . I told them my story and tell them that was why my heart pounded so hard every time I faced the priest . Today , we call it reconciliation . Just the word itself sounds easier than confession . I don 't understand why the Vietnamese priest had to make it so scary and terrifying then . After all , we were going to make peace with our God and knew that he would always love us , no matter what we did . The Catholic church today is more understanding and easier . My children shouldn 't feel so terrified to go face God at the reconciliation booth . Actually , I don 't think they are scared . They are just lazy . I hope my experience will help them see how lucky they are that they don 't have to go through what I went through . I look forward to reconciling with God every time . I feel good about it . The front of my house in Bong Son had a porch with painted rails . The top of the rail was wide enough for me to sit or lie on . In the early morning I liked to like lie on it , so I could feel the coolness of the cement base on my back and enjoy the early morning sun . One morning I was lying there feeling the sun and dreaming who knows what at that age . I heard my oldest sister 's voice calling for me . Her voice was loud and somewhat hysterical . I did not want anything to disrupt my dreamy morning , so I decided to ignore her calling me . After a while , I decided to run to the back of the house . There I saw my sister kneeling on the ground beside the rabbits ' cage and our dogs were there , too . I was terrified at the sight and realized that our rabbits were having babies and the cage 's rails were too big to hold the babies so they were dropping on to the ground , and the dogs were trying to attack the baby rabbits . I ran to my sister and tried to shoo the dogs away . She was crying , and I felt so bad for not coming to her sooner . A couple of the baby rabbits died from the attack of our dogs . I told her I was sorry . We picked up the lifeless bodies of the rabbits and buried them by the lemon tree . We lived in a place where we saw dead bodies carried up on our street almost every day because of the crossed gun fires of the previous nights and where because of the war , human lives seemed so unimportant . But that does not means we do not value our lives and the lives of the others . If the life of a tiny baby rabbits means that much for us to shed tears , then we know we wanted to live , and live with a peaceful happy life . I wished the war had ended differently , and with a different government even if it meant we would die in the sea or in the jungles as long as we have freedom . Also many of our soldiers were jailed and many have died even after the war ended , and we are supposed to have peace in our country . And let 's not forget all the soldiers who have fought and died for the peace and happiness of Vietnam . I hope one day Viet Nam will have real peace and happiness so all of our tears had not been shed in vain . The explosion was so loud that it woke up the whole entire city of Bong Son . I opened my eyes to this loud noise so close by my house . At the same time I saw all of the windows and doors of our house spring wide open . Things on the shelves in my house were crashing down on the floor . I heard my mom 's terrifying voice called out to us to go in to the more secure room to hide . I was crouching low on the floor while there were guns firing outside . We knew right away that loud noise was a bomb meant to sabotage someone or somthing specific , but we did not know what got hit . After what seemed like an eternity , the gun fire wore down , and we all went back to bed . The next morning we found out the bridge that helped us to travel from the village to the city of Bong Son had been sabotaged last night . It was the saddest sight I have ever seen . I had always known that our lives were connected to war and we could be killed any time , but seeing the broken bridge , which had taken me and my friends to school , to church , to the market etc . in the city of Bong Son saddened me . It made me realize war was close to home , and we were helpless to do anything to stop it . My mom told me one night she would take me to a wedding reception with her in the morning . Being very young , children often do not attend these important events . Only the adults are invited . Imagine my excitement . My mom and I left early for the wedding ceremony at church . She reminded me to get ready . I was excited not because of the food , but because I had not attended any weddings yet . I wanted to see what happened . We went to the groom 's house first . All the ladies dressed in Vietnamese Traditional Dress ( Ao Dai ) . They were all sorts of different colors with flowers imprinted on their dresses . Some men also dressed in Ao Dai , and some wore regular slacks and shirts . My little brother and I were escorted to the table where all the kids were sitting while my parents went up to the main room of the house . There were big signs all over the house starting at the gate that said " Tan Hon , " meaning newly weds . From the gate through the courtyard into the front door were decorations of red fabric ribbons and flowers . I noticed that even the landscape pots were tidy and pretty . I saw the bride in her red wedding dress woven with golden . She paired it with a white satin pants and a red round hat . She topped her dress with outer wear made of sheer fabric rimmed with gold . I thought she was so pretty . To me her husband was a different story . He also wore white satin pants and a long silk shiny blue ao dai . On his head also was a round blue hat but he did not look pretty like the bride . I thought he looked weird . Then there was music , but by this time , after the ceremony at the home , introductions of the relatives , and passing around the teas and gifts , I was tired and ready to go home . I wanted to get out of my prettydress , which I was so excited to put on that morning for the occasion . I saw some children running around the courtyard and playing . I started to join them , but my mom looked at me with a smile and shook her head . I knew she wanted me to behave . I do not know how long a time had passed , but I finally got to hold my mom 's hand and go home . What a relief ! I remember thinking weddings weren 't fun at all . Taking care of my mom every weekend is an honor , a privilege , and a duty I am glad I am able to share with my siblings . This Saturday when I was at my mom 's , to my surprise she was not her usual quiet self . She patted gently on her bed and told me to come lie down next to her . I came and put my head on her pillow , my face to her . To be this close to her , I was able to see how beautiful her skin is for her age . I giggled to her , " Mom , you are so pretty . Do you think maybe because you have been eating just vegetables , fruits and milk ? " She did not answer me , but just touched my face and smiled . I saw the glistening tenderness in her eyes . I did not know what she was thinking , but I thought how ironically our positions had changed . I was the one she was taking care of , and now I am taking care of her . I remember being very young and sick one time . I did not know what my temperature reading was , but my fever was high . My mom asked a nurse in the next village to come see me . He gave me some pills . I guess it was kind of like Tylenol nowadays . We did not have antibiotics to help me feel better the next day . I was in bed with a high fever for days . My mom did everything she could to help my body fight the virus . She made me orange juice she picked from the tree . She cooked me congee with lots of peppers in it . She put a wet towel on my forehead every so often . Because of the fever I had many weird scary dreams . Every time I woke in the night , my mom was always there watching over me and hugged me , so I won 't be alone . Now , sometimes my mom wakes up in the middle of the night and opens the front door . Because I am sleeping and tired , this makes me frustrated at times . She was so patient with me . I only hope I can be patient with her . I understand now that no love on this earth can compare to a mom 's love , and my love for my mom is nothing compared to her love for me . Thanks Mom . Flood is something my village had to endure every year . If we were lucky , we would have one flood every year . Most years we ended up with two or sometimes three floods . My village was between a mountain , brook and the Lai Giang River . The river 's end connected into the ocean . When it rained for days , the water would overflow the river and the brook . On top of that we would have water coming from above the mountain and all of that flowed into our village . Because of the flood , most of our homes in the village had raised foundations . Sometimes the flood would just hit the foundation and withdraw , and sometimes it would come into our homes and rise high up , almost to the ceiling . For my parents and the adults this was a My beloved people had to suffer not just from the war , but also had to endure so many other catastrophes in life . And yet we were always there for each other . We shared the same values and love as my mom shared when she provided that small pot of steamed rice with the rest of the villager who were there at our house The village where I grew up in Viet Nam during my childhood years was a beautiful place , and the neighbors were always looking out for each other . We were like one big family . There were other villages around us just like us , but we did not know most of them . One evening , when I was about five or six years old , the city official came to our home and told us we needed to evacuate the village because they believed we may have communist spies who came to live within us . They wanted all of us to move to the city and spend the night in the city hall building so they could identify us . My mom told us to pack an overnight bag , and we crossed over the bridge into Bong Son . The building was crowded ; therefore , people that lived next to the building offered their homes to some families to relieve the overcrowding . We stayed at our great uncle 's house , which was across from city hall . That night we had to sleep on the floor with other people . I remember I was lying next to my mom . She had a blanket to keep me warm . In the middle of the night , a group of soldiers came in and woke us up by pointing their flashlights in our faces . I was very terrified and started to cry . My mom told me it was okay , not to cry and not to make a scene . These men came in and looked at everybody 's faces to make sure that there were no unfamiliar faces . They asked the adults a few questions and left . I did not have a good night of sleep after that . The floor was uncomfortable , and there were too many people in the house . Most of all , I was terrified of the soldier 's with flashlights . I did not know who or what those official men were looking for , and why my dad was not there to vouch for his family . I asked my mom about it the next morning on our way back to the village . She explained that the soldiers had to make sure that we did not have enemy strangers sneak into our neighborhood to hurt us . Even though dad worked in the city , we had to go through the event just like everybody else , no exceptions . We are celebrating Fourth of July . Independence and freedom are something that every human being wishes to have but not everyone gets them . Many people have to sacrifice everything . And I am thinking of my As in most countries , bureaucracy is a problem in Vietnam . ' Law ' is a comparatively new concept ( until the 1990 's , Vietnam had no further education law institutions ) . Much legislation takes the form or regulations and circulars that are passed down to local level for implementation . Interpretations often differ from area to area , and much paperwork is generated in attempts to standardize procedures . Much administration involves more than one ministry . As communication is almost entirely vertical , there is little co - ordination between different ministries and Departments leading to long delays and frustration . Recently , the government has tried to speed things up by laying down time limits for particular activities , but bureaucrats everywhere are skilled in the art of finding exceptions to such rules and generating more forms to be completed . http : / / www . haivenu - vietnam . com / vietnam - today - governance . htm Have you ever experienced inhaling tear gas ? I have many times during my childhood in Thac Da village . I did not know how or why it happened or who was it coming from . http : / / www . flickr . com / photos / jlascar / 4607344945 / The North Vietnamese display this in Ho Chi Minh City to criticize the U . S . for its use in the Vietnam War . The villagers were just going about their daily business , and then we would first sense this strong smell in the wind blowing by our neighborhood . My mom would rush us all to the well . She would wet cloths and pass it along to all of us . We then rushed to brook where there were water and lots of wind to help us deal with our breathing better . This was the most horrifying smell of all . As we breathed , it would follow in to our nostrils , down our throats , our eyes would tear and we felt like we were going to die of gagging . I do not know how to describe this feeling except I know it was horrible and do not ever wish this upon anybody . My village was not a safe place at night for my dad to come home to and spend the night . He always had to just come home for dinner and go back into the city to stay overnight . I did not spend much time with my dad as I had with my mom , and I am sure most Vietnamese children did not see their dads much at that time . All the men from South Vietnam went to the war zone to protect our country . I was probably luckier than children that had dads in the army . Their dads had to go into the battle fields for months at a time . I treasured my time with my dad when he had time for me . He tried to find time out from his office during the day to come home and be with us as much as he could . Those times he would take Ban , my little brother and I fishing at the river or just to sit under a shady tree to talk to us . Ban and I went swimming with dad at the Lai Giang River . In the middle of the river there was a sandy island . My dad would put me on his back and carry Ban in front and swim through the deepest area to get to the island . The water there was clear . We played and swam in the shallow area while dad swim around us in a deeper area . We liked to play on that island , especially with our dad there . We made him lie down on the sand and we would cover his body with sand . He told us that the sand felt cool and relaxing as he lay there , seeing the sky and the clouds while his children were there with him . He felt safe and happy . We went home in the afternoon and had dinner , and it was time to see Dad off again . He looked at us , smiled and said , " Be good ! " I thought my dad had the prettiest smile of all . Dad was always busy with his duties , the higher his position , the less time he had with us ; therefore , when came to the United States after the war , he devoted all his times with the family . It did not matter if he was tired , sick or not feeling well . His face would light up with that pretty smile of his and welcome us . He would talk to any of us about anything we want to talked about . To me , he was so intelligent and knew so much . He could communicate to the grandchildren from three years old to his children in their forties and fifties . If we needed him , he would be there . My father spent the last years of his life for us , sharing his life experiences . He taught us to love , care , respect and be kind to each other and everybody else . That 's how he lived his life , and that is what he wanted us to be . for love is what gets us through anything in life . My dad always said that he want to outlive the communism . He wanted to go home to Viet Nam once the communist were no longer in existence in his motherland . Unfortunately , they are still there , and my dad never had a chance to go home . But rest assured , Dad , we are with the rest of the people longing to do away with the communism in Viet Nam , and that day will come some day soon . I will go home to see a free Viet Nam , and I believe the future Vietnamese generation will rebuild our country with freedom . Before I started Elementary school , I attended a smaller school site in the neighborhood . I guess now we would call it preschool . I remember my classroom were tiny . We probably had twelve children sitting around two rectangle tables . I do not remember much about my teacher except that he was old and strict . I was afraid of him and did not like school at all at the time . We were taught that teachers are just like your parents . You will respect and obey unconditionally . We would be punished harshly if we did not obey . At this school we learned first not about academics except for reading and writing , but more importantly we learned how to have good characters . I always have to cite that " First we learn to respect , values , morals . . . how to be a good human being , and second is academic . " I asked my parents why and what was this means ? and they would tell me that no matter how smart I am or whoever I became later in life , if I did not have the first rule , I still would be nobody . This did not mean much then , but it all makes sense now , and I am trying to teach my children the same ideas . I do not remember what my friends and I did wrong at the time , but I remember we were being punished by making us lie on top of my teacher 's desk . The one that initiated the wrong act , the most naughty one , was made to lie on the bottom , and the rest would be on top of each other respectively . My teacher then would paddle us according to the level of our actions . After the paddle , we were to kneel on a piece of a jack fruit skin . It was spiny like a porcupine . The rest of the students got to go home for lunch . I guess that day my mom did not see me come home as usual , so she walked to the school . I saw her from afar and started to cry , thinking she was coming to my rescue . When she saw that I was kneeling with two children being punished , she stopped , looked at me sadly , and turned herself around to go home without saying anything . I was so disappointed and tried hard to hold my tears . I knew my mom was disappointed in me , and she was sad because I did not get to eat lunch . We had a good talk that night , and I understood that I needed to be on my best behavior , for my parents had entrusted me to the teacher . My parents would not interfere with the teaching . My childhood years were inside a war zone . There were things that were scary , but to me as a child the thing that terrified me the most was the sight of a funeral procession through my village . I used to roam around the neighborhood and play with my friends daily . No matter how far away from home , if I heard the sound of a funeral procession , I would run home as fast as I could without thinking about anything else . First , I would notice the loud , sharp high pitched music note of a certain kind of flute , the sound of drum , and a mixture of other kind instruments I did not know . They created a high pitched music that pierced through ears and heart . To me it was not entertaining but terrifying . After hearing the music , children would all look up , frozen , and wait until the sight of the group of people appeared from the top of the hill . Then we would all just run home . I would hide in my house , peeking out the window and see the funeral attendees walking slowly through on the road . First came people who played the music , then a person throwing fake paper money in the air . The coffin was tied with ropes at each end , had a strong stick loop through the ropes , and was carried by four people . After the coffin came the family members and friends . The family members wore a white outfit on top of their normal clothes . It was kind of similar to our " ao dai " but was not fancy . Its length was down to the knees , split on both sides . It was sewn together at the neck and shoulders to hold the sleeves to the body of the dress . There was no hem . Everything about the dress was ragged and torn . The thread of the fabric hung loosely . Each funeral attendee wore a white bandeau on the his head tied at the back with a white tie and with no hems . When the funeral went by , the adults in the village who saw it would stand quietly to show respect . As for me , I was terrified . Something about the sight of the coffin , the strange outfits they wore , the sad sound of their crying and most terrifying of all the music , all worked to make me petrified . When I attend funerals here , it is different . We wear black , a line of cars go through the city roads escorted by the police , and people cry quietly . It seems calmer , not as scary and not that sort of music that pierces ; however , it represents the same thing . We are sending our loved ones back to the earth with love and respect in our own different ways . We saw strange white powder sprinkle down from a helicopter one afternoon . It scattered over our village like a thin sheet of smoke . We wondered what it was . My mom said it was weird and different ; therefore , it would not be a good thing for our village . The villagers were kind of worried for a while , but then we went back to our normal lives and forgot about it , for it did not seem to do any harm to anybody or anything in the village at the time . We were wrong . The powder seemed not to harm us , but some months later we began to see the deadly effect of it . Our fruit trees , all our plants were dying . Eventually the greenery of our village was no longer green , most of our tree died and had to be chopped down . ( We had mango and coconut orchards ) My family 's coconut groves one by one started to lose fruit and the tops of the trees turned brown . The villagers were sad because some families relied on the harvest as their way to take care of their families . The adults in the village wondered about the water in the river and especially our well . ( Many villagers used our well water . ) We found out later that the white powder was called Agent Orange . The American officials wanted to kill all the greens so that the communists would not have places to hide in the shrubs to easily launch their attacks without being seen . I guess that was the only way . Today , I have met many American soldiers who served in Viet Nam War , and they shared with me the effect on their health because of this agent orange powder . I am sorry for the suffering that they have to deal with for the rest of their lives because of Viet Nam War . I appreciate them for trying to protect us . But I also wonder if those officials who ordered this particular mission knew that this powder would harm so many people and if they were aware of it did they ever think about us , the people , the soldiers that lived on that land ? Does the benefit outshine the harmful effect ? So many decades later I still feel sad for my villagers and for the people of Viet Nam . We had to endure so many horrible thing because of the war and even now , my people are still under the wrath of communism . When are those communist leaders going to realize they are not doing anything good for the people of Viet Nam ? I woke up in the middle of the night by the sound of the footsteps outside of my house . I sat up on my bed trying to listen harder to find out if there were really some one outside . The scary feeling ran through me and made me just freeze . After a few minutes I started to cry . That is when my mom came quietly into the room . She came over and hugged me tight . She whispered to me to be quiet . She pointed to my window and said to me , " Do not make any noise . " I followed my mom 's gaze and looked where there were shadows of many men crouching outside of my window . I can still see the silouettes of their guns on their shoulders . I looked at my mom with questions whirling in my brain , but she softly reminded me to be quiet and told me to lie down and go to sleep . She said she would lie down with me . I woke up in the morning with the sun shining through my huge picture window . My mom had gotten up to do her daily chores . The incident of the night came back to me . I went to open the window , tiptoed to the window and lookdc outside but I did not see anything . It felt as if it was a dream . At the breakfast table I heard my mom was telling my older siblings that these were communists . " The unwelcome visitors are getting too daring and we all must be careful . " We had always known they were lurking somewhere out there behind the trees and further out in our field , but never had they come that close to our house . Mom said that they were here last night looking for my dad . My normal schedule for Saturday night into Sunday is with my mom . Since my dad passed away and my mom 's health worsened , my siblings and I decided to take turns to be with my mom since she still wants to live in her own home and not to move in and bother any of us ; therefore , we decided to move in with her . Lately , her mind is not very alert . Sometimes she sees things or talks about things that do not really exist . Last night I was with her as usual . In the middle of the night , she woke up and wanted to wait for someone who was coming to see her . It is really sad to see my mom become so confused . It is Mother 's Day and that is why I wanted to write something about my mom . I had many memories with my mom , sad ones and also good ones . I don 't want to honor her with something she has done for me but something we did together when I was very young . In our house , on the second floor , we had a open space . I guess I could call it a veranda with no cover . We had a couple of day beds so sometimes we could sit and visit or read a book . I liked to lie there with my mom every night and look at the stars in the sky . She would tell me the names and stories of all the stars . I knew they were made up fairy tales , but I was happy and anxious to hear them every night . Because where we lived did not have electricity at the time , that 's why the stars were so bright and beautiful . My mom always chose the brightest and said that one was me and there was always a very special story about that star . It 's hard to see my mom so confused now . I woke up this morning getting ready for Sunday church . Before I left the house , I kissed her cheek and said , " Happy Mother 's Day , Mom . " She smiled at me as if she understood what I was saying . Well , maybe something in her does understand . . . . . I hope . I have never told her how special those nights were to me when looking at the stars with her . I wish I had . I thought that she would never get old and become this way . I am sorry , Mom . I hope maybe one of the Saturday nights when I am with her , she will be leAmanda Griffith April 24th , 1975 . . . We were in Sai Gon at my uncle 's house . I saw my mom whisper to my dad asking him to leave Viet Nam because she was afraid he would be killed . My dad refused for he did not want to leave us behind . He would rather die with his family , his country , and his people . April 25th , 1975 . . . My dad discussed with my uncle and finally with sadness they decided to take the family down to Vung Tau to find way to leave together . April 26th , 1975 . . . My parents took us church that evening and prepared our souls for the unexpected . April 27th , 1975 . . . We left Sai Gon and headed down to Vung Tau Port . April 28th , 1975 . . . We heard the road between Sai Gon and Vung Tau had closed . Nobody could get out . We stayed at a church courtyard that night . Many people were there too . We all slept under the sky . April 29th , 1975 . . . My dad woke us up early and rushed us to gather our things . We packed only the most most important thing and left for the port where the boats were waiting for us . At this time I think the communists were already there . We were being shot at while we ran . That night we were out at the ocean and transferred to a big navy fighting ship . April 30th , 1975 . . . The saddest morning of my life . . . I woke up with so many people sitting around me . . . for we had seating room only . The rain got heavier , the sea churned stronger . We got news that Sai Gon failed . The communists had gotten into the Capital House . I saw my dad cried quietly . Looking down to the sea , I saw thousands of small , mediun size boats fleeing from Viet Nam . The communists were shooting out to sea trying to kill us . Some of the boats got hit and exploded . Our ship departed my country . All of us turned our head and looking back to Viet Namas if we were trying to get the last glimpse of what was the most beloved and dear to us all . I started to cry too for I finally realized this event was something very important . It was final . We have lost something very dear . As the ship sailed further and further , my country became smaller and smaller in my eyes . I looked Posted by April 30 is approaching fast . This is the day Viet Nam war ended . South Viet Nam lost the war to North Viet Nam . My people lost our freedom , we became a communist country . I guess the war ended . Viet Nam will have peace , no more gun fires , no more families separated from their loved ones because of the war . But it was not so . This day marked a new Viet Nam . The North did not bring peace and happiness to my people like they said . Quite contrary , they brought more sorrows , heartache , and more separations between families in many different ways . It is true , we have no more war on our motherland . But learning what happened to my people after April 30 , 1975 I would rather the war continued . At least we lived during the war but our lives were much better than in peace time with the North Viet Nam government . Our soldiers wanted to continue fighting for our freedom , their heart and souls did not want to surrender . We all wanted peace , but not the kind of peace we have . If I could turn back time , I wish to live and grow up in my country during war time . I wish I would have a chance to know and be a part of a soldier 's life . I would want to be a soldier 's girlfriend or wife and live the life of a Vietnamese woman who has a man in their life who was a courageous soldier willing to die for Viet Nam . I understand that being a soldier 's wife during Viet Nam war time you had to sacrifice and suffer , even during and after war time . But I am sorry , I did not have a chance to be THAT Vietnamese woman . I salute them ! by Thai LeI met a man from Vietnam in Texas two weeks ago . He had just moved here a couple of years ago . He left after the second imprisonment of his father , a South supporter and patriot , who was harassed repeatedly and imprisoned for years at a time for unfair charges of being unpatriotic . It was because he was an activist for the South and was being punished for trying to help the South Vietnamese win the war against the North . They didn 't get out in 1975 like Thai Le and her family did , so the man 's dad lost several yePosted by My childhood years , I lived in a far away province , far from the city . My life was very low maintenance . I did not need much . My clothes were simple . I had cotton pants and shirts for daily activity , and a Vietnamese costume ( ao dai ) for church or special occasions . My oldest sister had been in French school for a few years ; therefore , she knew how to sew dresses . That was why I had many different ruffled dresses to wear to church sometimes . My shoes were mainly rubber flip flops , plastic moccasins or painted wooden shoes , which I did not like very much because those wooden shoes made a loud noise . One day , my oldest sister went to Qui Nhon , a big and far away city , where my dad was working since he 'd been elected . She came back that evening and brought along with her many things from the city . One of which was my very first pair of brown leather high heels sandals . They were the most amazing thing I had ever seen or had even known existed because I was too young to get to go anywhere outside of my village . That night I went to bed , not able fall asleep because I was so excited and proud of my new shoes . I could not wait until the morning , so I could show them off to my neighborhood friends . I put my shoes on my bed close to my pillows , so I could touch them . In the dark I could feel every stitch of the leather and felt the golden medal clasp that would hold the straps around my ankles . Especially the smell of leather , It was different , not exactly a very good smell for a little girl . It was kind of bad , but I did not care . I loved my new shoes . I loved everything about them . I woke up even before the sun was up . My first thought was my new high heels sandals . I jumped out of bed , did my morning routines , brushed my hair and wanted to put on my prettiest ruffle dress to go with my new shoes . I chose my pink striped dress with some embroidered white flowers on the collar and my sleeves , then put on my shoes . Oh , how wonderful they felt ! The softness of the leather under my heels . It was nothing like the hard wooden sPosted by War ( chien tranh ) was something familiar and near during my childhood years . I could see , hear and feel it . I saw dead bodies carried up my village street . I heard war by the sound of cross gunfire every night , and I felt it when I saw my mom 's hands and body trembling with fear and anger when someone we knew got hurt or was gone . I did not understand most of it but I knew it was not a good thing . Being so young , I did not have fear like an adults has . We were just innocent children as any children anywhere else . After school , and dinner , before the sun set , we often gathered on our street to play games until we were called to come home . We were attacked by the Viet Cong often . The attacks usually came suddenly and if early in the evening , the villagers would receive a warning just within minutes from our neighborhood 's captain . We were all taught if we heard this announcement , " We are under attack , go to your nearest hideout . " Everybody would run home if close . Otherwise , we knew to run to whichever neighbor was the closest . We were a tight knit family . The adult villagers knew to take care of the children and each other if our parents were not there . Some family 's hideouts were in a closed room , but most of us had an underground hole , away from the house , just in case the house was hit and collapsed . We would stay in the ground for half an hour to an hour or sometimes longer . We would know to go into hiding if we heard shooting becoming louder , heavier and more intense . We would peep out of the hole and see the fire brighten the sky . Then we would hear a bomb hit somewhere . As always , my mom and the villagers in the hideout together would initiate the prayers . Sometimes the crossfire lasted so long , I would become tired and fall asleep . As an adult now , these memories are always in my heart . Maybe that 's why I do not ever like to watch a war movie or see a news report about war . My heart saddens when I think of all those soldiers who fought for South Viet Nam to protect our land , lives , and freedom . I also think ofPosted by Lent season is very important to our lives as catholics , especially Holy Week . I remember my mom always had fresh flowers and new white candles on the shrine where we had a cross of Jesus and statues of mother Mary and St . Joseph . During the Holy Week , we would get up really early in the morning , before the sun was up , before we did anything for the day . My family gathered in the room and recited our rosary . As a child , I did not want to get up so early , but for some reason I looked forward to this event . I guess the sight of the candles lighting up the room is what made me want to be there . I felt the closeness of my family , the warmth and love we had for each other when we prayed for our family to stay strong together , for our country and everything else . Easter Sunday we went to church . I did not have new spring dress and did not know of Easter egg hunting or candies and rabbits , but I felt happy knowing I still had my family , and my loved ones with me on the particular Easter day . Each night , we would hear the sounds of the Vietnam War , the guns firing across our village not knowing which one of us would be alive in the morning . Yet Easter celebration was a highlight , something to lift us up briefly . Happy Easter ! By Thai Le This March 28th was the day I will remember for the rest of my life . It is the day I lost my dad six years ago . Since he died , every year my whole family gets together to remember him . We call it Family 's Memorial Day . This year is no different , only it is more special because it is the exact date and day . As always , my oldest brother requested a special mass to pray for our dad . All of my siblings , their families , children and grandchildren gathered at our church . This year my because my mom 's health has deteriorated tremendously , we did not have mom with us . After church , we all went to dad 's gravesite ; we said prayers , sang his favorite song , and drank champagne . The champagne was one of my dad 's favorite traditions . To toast him , like he is still with us , every New Year , Christmas , Vietnamese New Year , and also every joyous occasion within the family , we share champagne . And as we toast , it reminds us that he shared champagne for each of these occasions and for every one of us . The last day of his life , we were at the house , so we could be close to him , sing songs , recite Hail Mary and Our Father to him . We were trying to hold on to him since there were some grandchildren who schooled far away , and they were trying to make it home in time . At the last minute , the most far away grandson , Shaw arrived . My dad gained conscious . He looked at all of us for the last time and said , " Champagne . " My oldest sister dabbed a drop of champagne on his lips . He then smiled and took his last breath . Today , after the gravesite , we all went to my oldest brother 's house to have lunch together , remembering dad , talking about mom and visiting with each other , especially , our two great grandnieces , Kylie and Madeline , the two newest members of our family . Dad was our inspiration , courage , and a kind of glue to keep us all together . This year , even with dad gone and mom very ill , our tradition and love for each other live on . The love our parents had instilled in all of us will be the glue to keep us all together , no matter where we aPosted by The Summer of 1972 , the war became very intense . The communists ( viet cong ) had taken over the city of Bong Son . Many people had to move , including most of my beloved Thac Da villagers . At this time my family had already moved to Qui Nhon city , but because of school exam , my brother Khoa stayed behind until the evacuation . This caused a lot of worry for my parents . Many years later I met Phung , one of my friends from the village . She told me that many people had to escape Bong Son by foot , and it took them many days . When they arrived in Qui Nhon , they were tired , hungry and their feet were all cracked , bleeding and had swelled up . Bong Son was not occupied by the communists long . After about four months , our brave South Vietnamese soldiers fought a heroic battle and won back Bong Son . The following day , my father went to Bong Son with many soldiers to place our South Vietnamese Flag on top of the Bong Son city hall building . My father took my brother Khoa with him on this trip . I did not know the purpose for Khoa to go along until I was much older . My father wanted Khoa to see , experience and be a part of what our young soldiers were doing . Maybe one day Khoa would be honored to serve our country just like them . The day my father left for this event , I saw the happiness , the excitement and pride on his face , but on my mother 's face I saw sadness and anticipation that my father 's jeep would be victim of an ambush on the road . I did not understand much of their emotions at the time . I have my own children and every day see them drive off to school , participate in the world , away from my protecting arms . I now understand what my parents went through , especially my mom and all the moms who had children go to war to protect what we call freedom . By Thai Le This weekend I spoke with a Vietnam vet at the Writer 's Intensive in Cincinnati . In addition I spoke with an author online last week , also a vet . What struck me was the raw sensitivity they both still possessed to the war and the pain it causes even now in 2010 , long after the 1975 abrupt and jagged pull out of American forces as the Northern communists pushed the last leg of their takeover to the China Sea , and southerners scrambled to jump ships to the United States , uncertain or even terrified of their futures . One man was in therapy for years and has come to terms , he says , with the anguish he suffered over the lack of support soldiers received as they experienced tortuous hardship and devastating attacks . The other remains haunted by the faces of little children , shot and killed or just maimed and left without family to wander lost and bereft . Both men seemed heartened and a little surprised when I told them of Thai Le 's attitude toward Vietnam vets . She and her family were thankful then and still today , that someone came to their aid and tried to preserve their lives as they knew it , in their own country , now renamed and reclaimed . So , it will be hard for Thai Le , I am sure , when she dedicates her book . I know her family comes first , but also in her heart , she wishes never to offend nor take away from the honor , of the soldiers who lost as much as she and her family did in the sickening saga that she knows Ho Chi Minh was responsible for , not the U . S . As a child , I remember the negative view toward the war and the way it made people shun the problems soldiers had and their needs for medical and therapeutic attention that were often ignored as an inconvenience to America which wanted to forget the war , the war they turned their backs on . She may share the dedication of the book between her family and soldiers who fought for her right and her family 's right to live free in their own free country . Does all of America know that the South Vietnamese felt this way ? This is one of the premises of Child of South VietnPosted by I would be sorry if I didn 't write about these two sisters . Their names are Nhan and Nhin ( These two names together mean yielding , giving in , being passive ) . They were my good friends from Sunday school . They did not live in my village . I did not have years of childhood experience with them or grow up with them . I only knew them from attending first communication classes . It was only a few short months but I always have them in my heart . We shared lots of memories from picking wild flowers from the church courtyard , picking up pebbles and also split toasted peanuts between us from a small store in the hamlet close by the church . One Sunday , after class , I followed them home . I am not sure , but I think they lived in a place that was designated especially just for the Vietnamese soldiers ' families . Their house were very small but there was warmth and love . I got to meet their mother . She was very nice and kind . She let us go to the back and play with water in a big tub . Of course , we did not know of bathing suits and of course , we were all wet later . Afterward , she fed us dinner early , so that I could go home . We ate steamed rice , tiny fish grilled with crushed red chili and lettuce dipped with fish sauce . It was simple but I enjoyed it very much . I never did get to meet their dad because he was far away at some battle field guarding and protecting our motherland . I did not know any until years later how lucky I was compared to them . I did not have my father home for dinner or at night , but at least I got to see him most days . They probably did not get to see their dad but once or twice a year . Thinking of this makes me want to cry for them . They were so proud of their dad just like I am proud of my dad and all the men who fought for the country . In 1972 the Communists ( Viet Cong ) came in and took over Bong Son . This made everybody evacuate the city . At that time , my family had already moved to another city named Qui Nhon to escape the Communists . My dad worked as a new elected official in Qui Nhon . When the evacuatPosted by This is the story of Thai Le Nguyen , who grew up in Bong Son during the late 60 's and early 70 's near the LZ English American Army Base . Her story , powerful and poignant , depicts a loving family struggling to provide a normal childhood for six children amidst Communist guerrilla attacks and the rugged , lethal quality of the land itself . From snakes to gory death , the children survived by a blessed good fortune and a mother and father 's determined love . Her tale is told through a unique and never before shared perspective , the view of the South Vietnamese , as seen through her own eyes . They fought against Communism alongside the Americans and lost as much and more than Americans , for they were forced to flee their homes , some of them forever . What Thai Le misses most about her life in Vietnam was the community spirit . The village was her extended family . It was a wonderful time of her life , but how ironic that it took place near an American army base , near the violence and destruction of war . Each week , Thai Le will post interesting bittersweet bits of her life . By Amanda GriffithThe Yellow Haired LadyI saw an American girl when I was seven , when the American Army lived near my home . She was very pretty . She was either the girlfriend , wife , or relative of one of the soldiers . She had long blonde hair to her waist and a fancy blue dress ; it was an amazing sight . Six or seven of us wanted to run up to her and touch her hair . To see her walking around in that dress with that hair : can you imagine ! It was strange , so strange to see her in our village . She was visiting there , I think . She wasn 't inside the army base . In the village , an old lady had a room in the back of her house and a soldier rented the room for his friend , the yellow haired lady . I said to my parents , " The next time you adopt a child , could you adopt a yellow haired baby ? Back then , my parents could give many children homes , like children whose parents couldn 't support them or anyone visiting to stay for awhile . My parents opened their hearts and homePosted by |
Reiff : This is Sandy Nevills Reiff and I 'm interviewing Evelyn Greene at Greenehaven , Arizona , on February 10 , 2001 . This is for Cline Library , Special Collections , at Northern Arizona University . And I am so tickled , and we thought we would talk about Evelyn meeting Bill Greene who was the eldest child , is that right ? Reiff : Okay . And they are of the Greene Dynasty that was Northern Arizona 's premier family in opening tourism to the area . Evelyn is going to share how she met Bill and give dates , if you will , kind of . Greene : Okay . It was in February 1945 . I had been briefly married and I had a baby . So I had gone back to Paducah because it was a very unhappy marriage , and got a divorce at that time . I was working , selling cosmetics in Walgreen 's , and Bill had tonsillitis , so he had to go to St . Louis to have his tonsils out . He came in the drugstore to get some supplies for that , but he saw me , and so he walked right over to me and said , " Would you give me a date ? " And I said , " Well , certainly not ! I don 't know you . I don 't give boys dates I don 't know . " And so I got busy and didn 't pay any more attention , but kept seeing him standing there out of the corner of my eye . He had on his uniform , you know , and was just standing there like he was contemplating , and pretty soon he walked back to the back of the drugstore and talked to the young lady who was the pharmacist . She was a friend of mine , and I worked with her , of course . So he explained his problem to her , and she thought it was very funny . So she brought him up front and introduced him to me as if she knew him , you know , because he told her his name was Bill Greene . And so he said , " Now , you 've met me , will you give me a date ? " And I said , " Well , I 've been married and I have a baby . " And he said , " I love kids ! " And that impressed me a great deal . But I thought , " Well , I 'd better wait and be sure . " So I said , " Well , I 'll let you know . " And he said , " Besides , I 've been married , too . " And I said , " Oh , I 'll bet , " because we were both very young and that seemed like an excuse for him . Greene : So anyway , I told him that I would tell him tomorrow , that if he 'd come back tomorrow , I 'd let him know . Meanwhile , some fellows from his ship that I happened to have met before , came in , and I said , " Who is Bill Greene on your ship ? " And they said , " We don 't have a Bill Greene on our ship . " So I thought he had lied to me about his name , and of course that really made me mad . I thought , " Well , I thought he was so nice , and so upright and everything , and he lied even about his name ! " So anyway , the next day he came in and he had some papers in his hand and he said , " Okay , will you give me a date ? " And I said , " Absolutely not ! You didn 't even tell me the truth about your name . Your name isn 't even Bill Greene . " And he explained to me that his name was Arthur Haywood Greene , Jr . , but his dad was called Art , and his dad wanted him not to be called Junior , so he said , " Let 's just call him Bill , " when he was first born . So it absolutely stuck with him . Nobody ever called him anything but Bill , even though it was not a part of his name - - just a nickname . So that sounded reasonable to me and I thought , " Well , I think . . . . " And besides that , the papers in his hands were annulment papers , and he really had been married for a short time . So I believed that too . So I gave him a date . And he showed up at my house that night . He found out that I liked gardenias , and here he came with a gardenia in his hand , and that was sweet , too , because I always was a romantic , I guess , and I thought that was real sweet . But he immediately walked over to Judy and picked her up - - my little girl was just eighteen months old , and she was just a toddler and had long , dark hair , and was very , very pretty - - I thought , of course . And so he just went over , picked her up , and put her on his lap and started talking to her . He had very blue eyes , and they seemed to fascinate her . She wasn 't used to blue eyes , you know . And so she was just sort of staring at him , on his lap , and suddenly she raised her hand and she had a bobby pin in her hand . I doReiff : Oh , my ! And when did he get out of the Coast Guard ? Greene : He got out of the Coast Guard - - see , that was ' 45 , so he got out in October . But from July until October , I was going to stay with my mother . He was sent almost immediately after we got married to Dubuque , Iowa . So I was going to stay with my mother and continue to work until he was mustered out , or until the war was over . But he didn 't want that to happen , he wanted us to come to Dubuque . So I did go to Dubuque and we were there from August - - we were married the latter part of July , and I guess it wasn 't more than two or three weeks later that I went to Dubuque . So it was in August . And the war ended , you know , then , and so he was mustered out in the last of October in St . Louis . And then we came out here , and his folks were at Marble Canyon . Greene : Yeah , they had come there while - - Bill had been overseas quite a while … during those years the family left Denver and came to Harry Goulding 's at Monument Valley . Harry was Dad 's first cousin . And so Dad and Bill 's mother , Ethel , and the two girls , both of their husbands were in service , too . Now , Ruth didn 't - - her husband was also in service . But they were in Washington , Bellingham , or someplace in Washington . And so it was just Irene and Grace . I think the four of them went to Monument Valley to help Harry . And they hadn 't been there too long , until Ramon Hubbell , who was from the Hubbell family , you know , out of Winslow , and he wanted Dad and Mom and the girls to go to Marble Canyon , and they would be partners with him and they would run Marble Canyon . And so that was just exactly what they had sort of been looking for , you know , because Dad wanted to have something for the boys - - the sons - in - law , and Bill - - to have when they got back , to get started . Greene : So they went to Marble Canyon . Of course I didn 't know them then , but it had to be in , oh , ' 43 , I think , because they 'd been there several years . First they were in Blanding , and had a restaurant in Blanding . Greene : Yes , see , because they were near Harry . And they did that for a while , in between helping Harry too . And the girls worked in there . And they were there just a short time , and then that 's when they went to Marble Canyon . And so that 's where they were when we married , you see . So I came out , though , to meet them before I married Bill , because I wanted to be sure , since I had a baby , that that would be something they would accept . I didn 't bring her with me , but I could tell they would just treat her like everybody else in the family . And there were a lot of babies in the family . So that 's true , they were just wonderful , and they treated me like I 'd known them forever . So I was sure it would work out all right . Travel was always by bus then , because nobody had any tires , you know , and couldn 't get any . Greene : Yes . So we went right back on the bus , and of course I was still working , so I had to get right back . But at least I met his folks and knew what to expect . And I thought the country was beautiful . Greene : First time west ! And I really - - you know , it was just so different from all the trees and everything in Kentucky , and all the rain and all that , but I thought it was just beautiful . So anyway , we then came out here as soon as he was mustered out . And of course this time Judy was with us . So we came on the bus like everybody did then . When we got there , we stayed in the old honeymoon cabin . Remember the old honeymoon cabin ? Greene : That was our living quarters then . And so I started - - of course this was all new to me , you know , and the only thing I had ever done was sell cosmetics . I had started to LSU . That 's when I married the first time , I was going to LSU , and I met my former husband . Greene : Yes . And I met him and I married him . At that time , I didn 't go to college . So this was what I knew how to do , was just cosmetics ( laughter ) and that didn 't fit in there . So what I did was , I could type and I could keep books . And so I started in . I also waited tables . I learned all kinds of new things . I started waiting tables at six o ' clock in the morning , and of course Judy and Bill were still asleep . So Bill had to dress her , and he hadn 't the slightest idea how , but he was really good at it , he tried . From Day One , he was the best father . I 've never known a better father , he was wonderful . And of course Judy just adored him . And so if he would dress her , I 'd go ahead and wait tables until about ten o ' clock . And then Irene and I were a team , and we would then wash and mangle [ i . e . , iron ] ninety sheets . It was the same every day , because that 's how many cabins we had then . Greene : The roads were not paved , but they had asphalt , and they were not bad . But most of the traffic was bus . We had bus stops for breakfast , bus stops for lunch , and bus stops for dinner . And of course there were about forty people on each bus . So that was a lot of people to feed . Greene : Yes , it was a pretty good road , yeah . It wasn 't a bad road , but it was just narrow , and there wasn 't a lot of traffic because people didn 't have access to tires enough to go on a lot of vacations like they did after the war ended , you know . I mean , because it took a while for them to be able to get rubber products and things like that . Greene : Buses were the main thing . So in between waiting tables then , we 'd do these - - because you couldn 't get your laundry done in Flagstaff , that was the closest place . And you had to do it yourself . And we had a big mangle - - you know what that is . Greene : We mangled those sheets , and then when we got through that , it was lunchtime . So then I waited tables for lunch . I didn 't get to see Judy all day long , and Bill was sort of looking after her , but he was busy too . And Butch was there - - he was the same age , approximately , as Judy . And Betty Jo was older , and she was there as well . Greene : Their mother was Grace . Her name was Grace Williams then . She was married to Ira Williams , called " Bud . " So she had the two children . Betty Jo was about , I guess , four years older than Butch . They just played by themselves and learned . And also Linda , who was the daughter of Ruth , the oldest daughter , and her name was Baker . Ruth was married to Vern Baker . And they came back because he had been in the Coast Guard also , but he was stationed in Washington , he never went overseas . So Linda was a few months younger than Judy , so there were quite a few little kids there . Greene : Oh , I know . Ethel was renown for her cooking . She made homemade buns for the hamburgers , homemade bread for everything else . And those buns were as big as about ten inches . You can imagine the size of the hamburgers . I don 't think they ever made any money off of their food , because their steaks would lop over the side of the plate . Greene : Not yet , no , it was a powerplant . But the electricity was later . There were no telephones . And so your only means of getting messages in and out , other than letters , were telegrams , and they were sent to Flagstaff , picked up by the bus driver , and the bus driver would bring them out to you . And that 's the only communication you had with the outside world . So I was , of course , this was totally , totally new to me , but I loved the whole family , I just fell in love with them immediately because they treated me wonderful . And I don 't know if you knew Aunt Molly . Greene : Well , Aunt Molly raised Art and Harry Goulding , and Charlie Goulding . Their mothers died when they were two years old - - Charlie and , well , Harry - - but I guess Charlie was about five , and Harry was two , and Dad was two when his mother died . And so Aunt Molly was the sister of the boys ' mothers , and she raised those three boys . So they were like brothers , you know . And Aunt Molly called him Arthur , the only one who didn 't call him Art . And Arthur was her pride and joy . And so she lived there too at Marble Canyon . So there was quite a big family . Of course the family was very hospitable to everyone who came there . And every night they would have like dancing and they played poker . And Mom , after cooking all day long , would sit there and play poker half the night with the men . I never saw anything like it . She was just terrific . But Bill had a little problem , and his problem was that he was extremely jealous . ( laughter ) Greene : To see if I spoke to anybody I waited on - - you know , any man . ( laughs ) So anyway , that was the only bad thing . And everybody talked about it . Did you know J . H . McGibbney ? Greene : J . H . McGibbney . It was M - C - G - I - B - B - N - E - Y , and you 'll see a lot of his pictures in the old Arizona Highways . Anyway , he was there all the time . He was a close friend , and he was there constantly . And he absolutely couldn 't get over the way Bill was . He really insisted that he thought he should go to a psychiatrist , because he had been in a very tough war , and he 'd been injured , too , and he 'd been through a lot in his life already . And he just couldn 't quite trust anybody - - especially me . And so finally I just couldn 't stand it any longer . I was there almost a year , and there was a very famous artist there - - a lot of artists used to come there . Reiff : Yes , I remember . ) And her name was Nora Cundell . She was from England , and she was an artist who drew animals , mostly dogs . But she was very , very well - known for that . And she was a real dear lady , and she watched me quite a bit . She was there a couple of weeks at least , and loved that country . So she finally came over and she said , " My dear , I think you need a friend . Could I help you in some way ? " I said , " Could you mail a letter for me in Flagstaff ? " She was leaving the next day . And see , we had to mail the letters , put them in a big basket , and Bill always got my letters and opened and wrote more on them , because they were to my mother or my sisters or whatever . So I didn 't want him to see this one . So she mailed it to my sister . And I just said , " Get me out of here ! " ( laughs ) Because I just couldn 't stand that anymore . It was really oppressing . But I loved him very , very much . Anyway , so my sister . . . . See , there were no telephones out there , so she sent a telegram and said , " Come at once , Mother going to marry . . . . " What do you call it when somebody 's trying to get your money ? Greene : No , well , like a fortune hunter . And my mother was a nurse and lived at the hospital in Paducah , Kentucky . So she was not so loaded with money , but that 's all my sister could think of . So she said , " Come home at once . " So that gave me enough courage to say , " I 've got to go home , [ there 's a ] problem . " And Bill said , " Oh , no , we 're going to Tuba City and call your sister . " So Tuba City was the closest telephone . Greene : Well , it would take a good two hours , because the roads were not too good . And so we drove all the way over to Tuba City , and the phone lines were horrible . They crackled all the time . You 've probably had that experience , too , when you were younger . Greene : When you ever got them then , the phone line crackled . And so Bill would yell " Hello ! " and then she 'd yell back " Hello ! " and then crackle , crackle , crackle . You couldn 't hear a thing . I was saved . So he finally gave up and he said , " Well , I can 't understand her , she can 't understand me . So I guess you need to go home then . " Because I kept saying , " Oh , no , something really bad has happened ! " So I did . Judy and I went on the bus back to Paducah . I knew it wasn 't a mistake , because I knew we loved each other dearly , but he had to have something wake him up from that , because he had to trust me or we couldn 't go on . So he followed me . I got back to Paducah , and then I went to Cape Girardeau , Missouri , to my aunt 's , because I figured he wouldn 't be able to find me there , but he did . He went to my grandmother , and she told him where I was . I wouldn 't even talk to him [ and talked to my aunt ? ] . He knew then that I had not planned to come back unless something changed . So I finally went back to Paducah then - - it wasn 't very far - - maybe seventy - five miles or something like that . I went back on the bus to Paducah , and he was at the Irvin Cobb Hotel . See , that was Irvin Cobb 's hometown . And so everything 's Irvin Cobb or Barkley - - Alben Barkley was from there , and he was the vice - president , before your time . But he was the one that started the VIP deal . Greene : Yes . And they used to call him " the VIP . " So in Paducah everything is either Barkley Avenue or one of the other of those guys . So he was staying at the Irvin Cobb Hotel and I was staying at my grandmother 's when I got back , because my mother and father were divorced and my mother lived at the hospital . My dad lived in a hotel . So I couldn 't live with them . So anyway , I stuck by my guns and I said , " No , I just couldn 't do it . I know it 's important to your family to have you , " because Bill was the businessman , he was the money - raiser , and the one who knew how to develop a business . And so that was his main purpose . Dad was loveable , and everybody adored him , but he couldn 't handle money at all , and didn 't even try to , it wasn 't his thing . And I knew it was very important for Bill , and I said , " I don 't want to stand between you and your family , but I cannot be there when you treat me like I 'm in prison . " And so , oh , he would change . But he said , " I realize that I shouldn 't have brought you there first . I should have . . . . You know , bringing you out there with the baby and you neglecting the baby . . . . " She got lost almost twenty - four hours one day . Greene : We couldn 't find her at all , and that 's what made me decide to leave . So Butch was used to it , and he would go . . . . One time some people picked him up off the road . He was asleep in the middle of the road , and brought him back and said , " Does this child have a home here ? " And he could have easily been killed , but Butch survived all those things , you know . Greene : It was just more primitive for hunters and things like that . But the people didn 't really come down through Jacobs Lake , you know , even if there had been . So when travelers saw that Marble Canyon was the first and only place for miles around to get gas , food , etc . - - they all figured they 'd better get gas while they could - - and a meal too . So they stopped at Marble Canyon . Greene : We just couldn 't find her . I figured , I just knew she 'd walked down - - because she loved to - - she was kind of a tomboy , and she was walking - - by that time she was two years old , but she couldn 't walk very far . So I figured she 'd gone and fallen over , because it wasn 't very far to walk down there and fall over 350 feet . Greene : I was afraid she had fallen , and I was just hysterical . And so anyway , everybody kept looking every place for her outside . Well , what had happened , she had gotten tired and gone in one of the cabins , and it wasn 't rented , and it was made up , and she just got on the bed and went to sleep . And she 'd been asleep in that cabin . I don 't know where she 'd been in between , but that 's where somebody found her . And that 's when I decided I just couldn 't stand that . I felt like I was neglecting her and everything . But see , Butch , being a boy , and he was really very much a boy - - you can imagine . ( laughter ) He got bitten by scorpions so many times , he was immune to them . Mom would put just plain old ammonia on the bites , and it worked . You didn 't have access to anything else like that . Greene : All of our own doctoring . There was a doctor in Kanab , and when anybody had a baby , or when anybody had something serious - - like Bill 's mother had had tumors and she had to have surgery up there - - and there was a doctor there . I guess he was a good old country doctor , seemed to be popular with people . But out there , there was just nothing . And so anyway , what Bill said was , " I realize I shouldn 't have brought you out there that soon . It was so different from where you 'd been and everything . I promise I won 't be that way anymore , I won 't be so bad . " So he got a bunch of pots and pans and things from his mother , and some sheets and stuff like that . And he took them - - I had not said I 'd go back yet , and I was still in Paducah - - and so he took them to Phoenix and he stayed at the " Y . " He had already planned to go to Tucson to school anyway , the following September , but he didn 't get up there . He couldn 't go back to school . Bill was very smart , very smart , and he had had some college at . . . . Let 's see , what was it ? It was at the Colorado School of Mines . But see , he went overseas , so yeah , he didn 't get a chance [ to graduate ( Tr . ) ] . So anyway , he wanted to go on to college . So he got us a place to live in Phoenix and everything before Judy and I moved to Phoenix , and he 'd write these letters , " Daddy has this for you , " and " Daddy has that . . . . " And Judy just worshipped Bill . I couldn 't do that . And I didn 't want to make another mistake , and I knew I loved him very much , and I knew he loved me , and I knew Judy loved us both . So here I came back , and I went to Phoenix and he said he had a place for us across from a beautiful school . It was just really nice , and I was going to love the location because it was across from this beautiful building and everything . ( chuckles ) It turned out to be the mental hospital , the state mental hospital , and he didn 't know it . ( laughter ) Greene : It was paved , yeah , but it was definitely out in the country , kind of . And it was tough to live there . ( laughs ) Anyway , the first night I was there , I heard this screaming about four o ' clock in the morning , and that was every night after that , we would hear that lady scream . And then he went to work . He had gotten a job with a heating and cooling . . . . See , he had some training with that in the service . And so he just went in and asked this guy - - it was the biggest one in Phoenix then , D . S . Horrall - - and he asked Mr . Horrall for a job . And he said , " Sir , where have you been ? " He said , " Well , I just got out of the service . " He said , " You know you have to belong to the union before you can even ask for a job . I admire your guts , so I 'm going to give you a job , " but of course he had to join the union . And Bill never was cut out to work for somebody else , but this was temporary , and we knew it . Greene : Oh , my gosh , it was so much smaller . I imagine it was maybe not over 200 , 000 . Probably it was that big , counting Mesa and all around , you know . It 's twenty times as big as it was then . So we stayed there in that place , and Bill was always looking for something better . He wasn 't planning to do that very long . Well , Ramon Hubbell really liked us , and he had the biggest collection of Indian rugs in the world . Greene : In Winslow , that was where their home was . And so he wanted to know if we would like to start a shop in Phoenix , and Ramon would supply everything on consignment to us . Then I would run the shop , and Bill would continue to work with Horrall . He would also work at the shop when he could at night , he kept it open until about nine o ' clock at night . So we fixed up an old home , right on Central , in a real good location , but it was an old home . And we fixed it up and painted all the shelves a different color and had it just really nice . And then Bill built a hogan out in front of it . And Ramon sent a Navajo weaver down . In the back of us there were some old cabins - - been there forever , I guess . And so Nanebah Clah stayed in a cabin in back of us , and of course we fed her . She had a stove in there , too , when she wanted to fix something , because she didn 't like some of the things that we ate . Greene : She was a Navajo from Pinon , and he had a trading post at Pinon . And at that time I probably weighed 94 - 95 pounds . She weighed about 300 pounds , but she had a baby , a brand new baby , and his name was Hubbell Clah . A lot of people named their kids Hubbell , or whoever the trader was - - they did that . Anyway , she had this baby in a cradle board , which appealed to the tourists . So she would weave out there by that hogan that Bill [ had built ( Tr ) ] . And this was right on Central by Macayo 's , if you know where [ that is ( Tr . ) ] - - right down the street . It 's a big , tall office building now , but anyway , it was quite unusual for Phoenix . We didn 't speak Navajo then , Bill and I didn 't - - of course we didn 't know how to do it , and especially me , from Paducah ! And so Nanebah , every night , would come in after we 'd close the shop at night , and Bill had a pencil and a little pad in his pocket . And so she named him Hosteen Bee ' ak ' e ' elchihi , which is " the man with the pencil . " And I was always called ' Asdzani Yazhi , even after I got on the reservation , which is " little woman . " And then they called him Hosteen Tso , which is " big man , " afterwards . But she called him Hosteen Bee ' ak ' e ' elchihi . . And so anyway , we would point to things , and she would say it in Navajo . She couldn 't speak a word of English . And she would say the word , and Bill would write it down the way it sounded . So we learned nomasii for " potatoes , " to totilchosee for " pop , " and chloe - chin [ phonetic spelling ] for " onions . " And words like that . We learned about , I 'd say , twenty words very well - - we knew those real well , but they didn 't make any sense - - and mostly items from the kitchen or whatever . Bill continued to work [ doing heating and cooling ( Tr . ) ] , so I was with her during the daytime , and she had an understanding with me - - we understood each other . I took her to the dentist and got her teeth pulled - - she had some bad teeth . And that 's right by the Indian School , so they did it for her there at the Indian School Hospital . Greene : Because there was a school there , and the children could go . And it wasn 't just Navajos , it was all tribes in Arizona , and there are a lot of tribes in Arizona . So it was a big , big school there on Indian School [ Road ] . It is still there , but it has changed quite a bit . They sold part of the property , and I don 't know how many students there are now , but then there were a lot of them . But any Indian could go in and get medical attention , free . And so I took her there . And things like that , so we got really close to each other . And I 'd have to hold her arm like she was the child and I was the mother . It was kind of funny , because she was so much bigger . But anyway , we got to love each other . And so what I would do is , the tourists would come and just swarm around , watching her weave her rug , you know . It was very interesting . So I would go out there , and the people would say , " Oh , this is so exciting ! I 'm seeing somebody weave a rug ! I never saw anything like that before ! I would love to have that rug . " They 'd say , " Could you tell her that I 'm from near Lake Erie , " or wherever , you know . And so I would say , " Nanebah , " and she 'd look at me wisely , you know , and I 'd say , " chloe - chin nomattsee " [ i . e . , nonsense " kitchen " Navajo ( Tr . ) ] , and I 'd use emphasis on the words , and she would nod wisely . ( laughter ) Greene : So anyway , they had no idea , of course . And so I would go all the way through all my little repertoire of about twenty words , and I 'd use different emphasis on it , you know , and she would nod . And when I would quit talking , she would then start saying Navajo , and looking at me real wisely , and telling me all kinds of stuff in Navajo , but I had not the slightest idea what she was saying ! ( laughter ) So anyway , then she 'd stop , they 'd say , " What did she say ? " and I said , " Oh , she said , it sounds so beautiful where you come from . And she 's never been away from this part of the country , and someday she hopes to go and see your beautiful country too . " And then they 'd say , " I 've got to have this rug . I mean , I talked to the lady that is weaving it . " So they 'd buy it before it was finished , and we 'd make a deal that when it was finished , I would notify them , and I knew how much it was going to be , because we charged about the same for every rug , whatever size it was . Greene : Yes . And so anyway , because now on the reservation they weren 't quite that much , but about like that , and that 's what Ramon told us to do . Anyway , I 'd sell those rugs like hotcakes , as fast as she could make them , because people would see it . And later , oh ! , a young person thinks they can do anything . And I wouldn 't do that now for anything ! Oh , I 'd be scared to death , because Phoenix is full of retired Indian traders who speak very fluent Navajo , which I learned to do myself , later , but not then . Say , if Clarence Wheeler , who we later were with , if he had stopped by there , finding it interesting that there was a Navajo , weaving there , and listened to our conversation he would have had a good laugh . Greene : Clarence Wheeler was the dearest man . He was from the area over near Blanding - - the Wheeler family was - - and they had been Indian traders for many years . I think there were three Wheeler boys , and Clarence was in with his brother , Lon Wheeler , and then a brother - in - law - - and I can 't think of his name right now , but he had Sunrise Trading Post at that time , the brother - in - law . [ END TAPE 1 , SIDE A ; BEGIN SIDE B ] Greene : Clarence Wheeler was a very , very dear man , and one of the most wonderful Christian men I 've ever known in my life . He was a trader . They were originally from the Blanding area , I believe - - the Wheelers were . In that area , at least - - maybe not Blanding , but close by . And they had quite a number of trading posts . After working for Ramon Hubbell a few years we met Clarence Wheeler whom we worked for later at Rough Rock . People left Phoenix in droves in the summer , because there wasn 't much air conditioning then . And so they would go home . That summer [ Ramon ] asked us if we would go to Oraibi to his place there . And so we decided to do it . Greene : In the United States , yes . And the Hopi people are very different from the Navajos whom we had become acquainted with then . By that time we knew a little about Navajos , having been with them at Marble Canyon also . So Hopis were new to us too , but we went out there . And it was quite an experience . Greene : Yes , there was a lot of differences , and mainly the Hopis were not nomads like the Navajos . Navajos moved from hogan to hogan somewhat , and they 'd take their sheep to the different locations . But Hopis were like we are more . They have their pueblos and that 's where they stayed all the time . And their ways were much more like Anglo people . And so they were not quite as jolly and fun people as the Navajos , but they were very dedicated people . They were very dedicated to their religion , too . And they were very interesting to be around . We stayed there for some time , and of course it was a really old , old trading post , and it had been the original Juan Lorenzo Hubbell Trading Post . He was the first Indian trader on the reservation . Greene : So then his son , Lorenzo , took over , and he was a very loved man by the Navajos , by everybody . But Lorenzo had passed away by this time . Ramon was the only one left , so he had all these trading posts he had inherited . Greene : Yes , it was . Ganado and Oraibi . They had all kinds of interesting things , like for example Oraibi had been run by some Navajos that didn 't really understand the value of the paintings they had there , and so when we got there , they were just piled , and some of them had been mutilated . Greene : Well , they 're very famous paintings now if you ever go to the museum there in Ganado . They have all of them there . And that was the ones that were at Oraibi when we went there , and they were just piled in big old piles in the corner . And the mice had been in there , you know , and they just weren 't taken care of at all , because Lorenzo had died , you see . Greene : At Oraibi . And very , very expensive drawings now , because there 'd be no way to replace such things . And they were very good , but they were all done in red , and so they were known as the red drawings . Anyway , when we got there , everything was just a mess . There wasn 't even any indoor toilet or anything . So the first thing we did was - - Bill knew how to do that , so he put in a bathroom . Then we cleaned up everything as best we could . It was extremely interesting , especially for Judy who was very small , a little girl then . The kids would all come and stand in the window and say , " Judy ! Judy ! " And then she 'd go out and play with them . So she learned to make piki . Greene : Yes , with blue corn and all . They made it on a stone . They 'd just pour out this blue corn [ batter ( Tr . ) ] , and real thin , and so it was almost like a potato chip texture , you know , that had a wonderful flavor . They still , of course , make that . And she learned to do that , and she loved the children there at Oraibi . But we 'd been there about , I guess almost a year , and what we did was , we wanted to learn all about the culture and everything , so we went to their dances all the time . We went to the Snake Dances , we went to the Butterfly Dance , which is beautiful . The local missionary then , who was there at that time , didn 't think that was right for us to do that , but we wanted to learn all about it . We were going to be in the Indian business , we loved them , and if you 're going to be there , you should know about their beliefs and habits and culture , I thought . So we did it anyway . And we went to all of those dances , and we got to know all of them . And they 're lovely people . They are not drinkers and all , like some of the other tribes . They 're much more conservative . They had peculiar names , though : Sekaquaptewa and things like that . It 's a little hard to pronounce . But anyway , we stayed there about a year , and then Ramon suddenly needed somebody at his Pinon store . And since we were more involved with Navajos than with Hopis , and we had been there long enough to clean it up and everything , and he , I guess , found someone who could - - I think it was another Navajo , but he found someone who could take it over there , but not at Pinon . So we went to Pinon . Greene : It 's on the Navajo Reservation . It 's about , oh - - it 's near Black Mountain - - it 's about fifty miles , I guess , from Oraibi , but on very bad roads . ( both talking at same time , neither discernable ) But wonderful compared to what it was then . So when we got up there , then the roads were so bad that we couldn 't get out a lot of times , at all . And so Bill learned to fly , and we got an airplane , because that 's the only way we could get out . First we got a Jeep , but sometimes they were too bad for even a Jeep . Greene : But I didn 't have enough time to get through it . So we then had to - - what we did was get an apartment in . . . . Well , first she lived a year in Ganado , went to school there , that first year . My mother came and stayed . They had a great big hogan - - you 've been there , haven 't you ? Reiff : Yes . ) Outside of their store there 's a big hogan that 's really a home . And it was a gift to us . That 's where my mother and Judy stayed that winter , and she went to school that first year there . But then we got an apartment in Gallup , and my mother would just leave Paducah at the hospital . She 'd come out here in the winter and keep Judy in Gallup . And so she went to school from then on in Gallup . But we couldn 't even get in to see her half the time . That 's why we got this plane , and Bill used to fly sick Navajos to the hospital , and things like that . Greene : Stinson , yeah . Real wide wings . And then after that , we had a fellow who came to work for us , and he could fly . So Bill let him fly some supplies over to Cliff Dwellers , and there was a big old windstorm , and he didn 't have it tied down good . And those big , wide wings , just flipped [ the plane ( Tr . ) ] over , and it was demolished . So then we got a Tri - pacer [ phonetic spelling ] , and the Tri - pacer worked great . And so that 's what we had from then on . And so he would , you know , fly not only Navajos - - that was helpful - - but also he would - - not only when they were sick , but if they had any kind of . . . . I mean , we 'd have things like murders and a few things like that out there . Greene : To Pinon . And we never locked our door or anything . And I wore cowboy boots and Levis all the time because I had to climb a ladder - - you know , they built very high , great big shelves . So I wore those all the time , and I always had the cowboy boots by my bed . I also was a railroad retirement agent . And I was a notary public . So I had to sign all the men up for unemployment every Thursday . And of course I was employed by the government , and I was bonded , I was under a $ 10 , 000 bond to tell the truth about any of them that might lie or anything like that . So ( chuckles ) anyway , what was my original thought , I forgot ! Greene : Oh , yeah . This is not quite a murder , this one , but it was the most traumatic thing we 'd had , because we - - it got worse , but we were more used to it after that . This fellow came in and he said that his daughter had been raped , and oh ! we just fell apart . Greene : Navajo . And it was a very young girl , I think she was fifteen . So of course we were just devastated , we thought it was just terrible . And so Bill was trying to question him about it , if we could do anything to help find him or do something about it , and certainly take the little girl to the hospital . He didn 't want us to take her to the hospital , and he told Bill if he would give him fifty dollars , I think it was , he would tell him who raped her . He knew who raped her ! And that was the worst experience of our lives . We couldn 't get over it . My mother happened to be there at that time , and she was just . . . . Oh ! she just couldn 't understand it . It was just devastating . And Bill told him he certainly wouldn 't do that . Told him if he knew who it was , to tell him , and he 'd see that he was punished . And do you know that that fellow would not tell him , unless he gave him fifty dollars . Greene : So we just tried to . . . . My mother looked the little girl over , because she was a nurse . But there were nurses at the school over there , too . They had a boarding school over there , and they looked her over , and she was harmed , too . She was bruised . And the father wouldn 't tell who it was unless somebody paid him . So we had to leave it up to them to do it . We couldn 't take it any further than that . But we just let him know that we were willing to help in any way we could to find him , and certainly to protect the girl in any way . So then after that we had . . . . Oh , one night , the reason I told about the cowboy boots , we left the door open at night , and one night , in the middle of the night , a Navajo walked in and he was just standing by my bed , and he said that he had killed his wife . Well , I quickly pulled on my boot and something was tight in there , so I kept pulling . I thought , " Well , maybe that 's my sock . " So I pulled it off and it was a mouse ! ( laughter ) We had a lot of mice up there . You could never get rid of all of them . I had killed that mouse in my shoe ! ( laughing obscures comment ) It was really , really interesting , to say the least . Well , the guy said that he killed her , and Bill said , " Well , are you sure she was dead , and he said , " Yes , there was blood coming out of her head . " [ Bill ] said , " Did you feel her pulse ? " He said , " Oh , I didn 't touch her . " They don 't touch them , if they 're dead , you know . So anyway , Bill called the police . . . . Greene : They were Navajo police . And so anyway , it took hours and hours . He was perfectly willing to wait there . And Bill kept trying to get some more information . He wanted to know . . . . He said he was just drinkin ' and he was mad , and he hit her in the head and killed her . So when the police finally came , why , they did take him off , but they didn 't do a thing with him - - nothin ' , at that time . They 're more strict now . Greene : Oh , yeah , she was very dead . She 'd been dead several hours by that time . So that way , we didn 't have to participate in the arrest of him , except that they arrested him at our house , but they didn 't do a thing . He didn 't have to stay in jail or nothin ' . But now , they do . And jail is the worst thing a Navajo can have . They cannot stand to be cooped up , you know . Greene : They had medicine men . The medicine men were very revered , really . And we knew who the medicine men were , and we knew that they got things in the mail . It was peyote , and you could smell it . So we got to know . Of course we had the post office right there in our place , and we handled all the mail . And so we knew what it was , but you don 't interfere with somebody 's culture unless it 's something that 's hurting somebody , and something that you have authority to do it with . And actually , the medicine man , the most prominent one , he was crippled , he had a bad leg . Greene : I may think of it , because I usually do that way , if I haven 't thought of anything for a long time . But anyway , he was a sweet little man , real sweet natured . We could find no fault with him . But we had a fellow from Johns Hopkins University come out and spend a summer with us to study peyote groups , and his name was David . . . . [ Oh , I forgot ? ] There again , I 'll have to think about that . But he has written books about it , and they 're available now . His first name is David , and I will think of his name before - - because he stayed with us all summer , lived with us . He was Jewish , but he didn 't object to having - - because we didn 't have a lot of sources of meat , you know - - and he would eat bacon and things like that . He wasn 't an Orthodox Jew . But a really nice guy . And he went out to the peyote clans ' meetings , and participated , because he wanted to understand what peyote did . There had been rumors about infanticides , there had been things like that happen at some of their meetings when they had had peyote . Greene : It was rumored . I didn 't know any fact about that , but it was rumored among the other Navajos , very much so , because they weren 't all Peyote Clan , you know . And perhaps a lot of it was exaggerated . But the ones who were not Peyote Clan would tell all these stories about it . And of course we were there , you 're learning everything new , so you listen to all of it . But David went and participated . They make like kind of a tea , and they pass it around . You know , they sit in a circle in a hogan . He said that there was very mild hallucination , but it was pleasant , it wasn 't anything that would cause anybody to become violent , in his opinion . And so that 's the way he saw it . You know , the book he wrote was something that he had been given a grant to do . Greene : A researcher from Johns Hopkins . And he wrote the book with that , and I 'm sure you could find it . Aberle ! David Aberle , A - B - E - R - L - E , Aberle . Isn 't it funny ! I haven 't thought about that in years . But anyway , he wrote the book , that he thought it was more or less harmless , and he didn 't think it was anything to try to arrest them for , for using drugs , or anything like that . So I guess maybe it calmed everything down , because there were getting to be so many rumors about it , that I guess the police were wanting to try to confiscate all of the peyote . And it was coming from . . . . Let 's see , I believe it was Alabama . Anyway , it only grows in a few states . And this would come in the mail to the medicine man , see . And of course he was of the Peyote Clan . So it was very , very interesting . Greene : Do you ? Well , anyway , I could write a book about just the things that happened out there . But see , Bill was flying over to Cliff Dwellers . At that time , it wasn 't going well over there . The family had left Marble Canyon then , in the middle of while we were on the Reservation . Roman was a very , very poor businessman . I don 't know if I should say that or not , but he was , everybody knew it . He was going bankrupt . So Dad wanted to buy it - - Cliff Dwellers , as you know . Greene : At the moment , I am devastated by that . It was in a picture in the paper recently , and a story written by a man named Mark Schaeffer . Maybe you know Mark . He 's at NAU . Anyway , he 's a professor there , but he writes , too . And the picture he had in there , somebody had really trashed it over there . And Johnny Schoppmann 's son went over and repainted it . He thought that was the original color , and he had turquoise on it ! It is hideous - looking . And besides that , some of the roof had blown off , so we 're going to completely renovate it and fix it up , because the family wants to keep that forever . Greene : Well , Blanche Russell , she and her husband had come from New York , and she was originally with the Follies in New York . ( laughs ) They came out in this old car . And of course this was many , many years ago . Greene : That would have been , I guess , about 1920 , back then , you know , when there were almost no cars on the road . I could get the exact dates . It 's in our archives , by the way . We have archives that would give you other things than what I 'm telling you - they are at ASU and at the Heard Museum , and it 's on line , and you can get it . You know how to do that . Through NAU you could get . . . . See , that 's where all of our pictures , we have McGibbney 's pictures , we have priceless things in there . And most of the things at ASU are all about all of this country . But the things at the Heard Museum are mostly about Bill and I , because it was Indian . Dad couldn 't speak Navajo . He could say yah - tah - hey . But the Navajos he came in contact with over there were English - speaking more or less , and it was a little different situation than being right out on the reservation and then learning to speak Navajo , and having to speak Navajo . And also we 're the ones - - McGibbney would come to our trading post and stay about a month and get these wonderful pictures . He set up a studio right in the trading post . So we have some wonderful stuff that you 'd love . Greene : And you could certainly have access to it , because you 're working at NAU . I would have to ask Judy and check to see if I could do that over the phone . She can tell you - - you know a lot about computers , I guess , don 't you ? Greene : That 's the way I am too . That 's why I can 't work my computer very well . I have one now , they gave it to me for Christmas , and I 'm learning , but Judy knows all about them . Greene : Mine are just the way they look to me , but hers are abstract . She taught weaving , she 's a wonderful weaver . See , that 's what she did when she was a little girl , watched women weave in summertime , so she got interested in it , and she 's a really good weaver . Greene : So her pieces , like , would cover that whole wall there . And in sections . So they 're mostly in hotels and lodges . They 're too big for most homes . And expensive . And they 're all different things : they 're weaving , they 're acrylic . I only do oils , and she does everything except oils . She does watercolors . And she mixes them in . Greene : Yes , five different media . And I 've never had any training . She has a master 's degree in art . So she did teach there for a while , and she 's freelance . And she has a website that 's beautiful , you 'd love to see that . Let me call her for a second . ( tape turned off and on ) We stayed at Pinon about a year , and we had a little female dog there . ( laughs ) Oh boy , I tell you ! We had a real - - I almost had a fight with a whole bunch of men . My little dog got out , and she was in heat . She was a little bitty dog , named Inky , a real black dog . So she got out and I heard a commotion out front , and these men were all laughing . Of course these Navajo dogs had gotten to her , and I just went bananas . ( laughs ) I ran in and got a bucket of water , and threw it on the dogs , and it didn 't do any good , of course it was too late . But they were standing there laughing , and they wouldn 't help me , because they thought that was fun - nee ! And so anyway , she had some pups . I believe there was four of them , and we kept one of them and that was Cle - Cha . I told you we had him . He was black too . But he was built real funny , I had no idea what - all he was . He had legs about that long . Greene : Yeah , that was appropriate for me , I guess . But he was really short . He was real full of life . We somehow adopted , without knowing it , another dog , a Navajo dog , that looked just like a skunk . You know , he had that stripe and he was black and white . So we named him Skunk . He didn 't come in the house , but we fed him all the time . And he was Cle - Cha 's buddy . Of course we shortened it to Clay . And here was this big ol ' , tall , ugly dog , and little ol ' Clay down here . So Clay would jump in a bunch of mean dogs . They were in gangs . And he 'd go right in the middle of them and start a fight , and then he 'd run out , and old Skunk would have to fight the fight . So one day - - he was old , I guess , and nobody claimed him , ' cause they 're not very kind to their dogs . And so we went out one day , and there was old Skunk , layin ' under a tree , dead . And that just broke our hearts , even though he wasn 't really our dog . But then Cle - Cha was with us at Pinon , Rough Rock , and finally at Cliff Dwellers . Of course Bill was a pilot , you know , and we had a plane , so he could get in and out of there easily and go visit Judy in Gallup . Greene : Bill always put in his own airfields . He 'd drag it and drag it and so on . Anyway , we finally had to give Clay to Ruth and Vern over at Cliff Dwellers , he was over there . Greene : Yes , Ruth is Bill 's sister , and they were running Cliff Dwellers in about 1957 . And of course at that time we were starting Canyon Tours and Greenehaven . We had really no way to take care of Cle - Cha . Reiff : Oh , I didn 't know that . And then you said that Clay went over to Cliff Dwellers . And I 'm not sure , for the people who are listening , if we made the transition from Pinon , or from Marble Canyon , actually , how long were the Greenes at Marble Canyon ? Greene : Yes , the family bought that property up there . Bill and I were at Pinon at this time . Bill 's mother died in ' 57 , so without it being written down , it 's hard to remember those dates , but as I recall they were building new Cliff Dweller 's in 1950 and were using old Cliff Dweller 's as their home and base of operations until the new one was completed . Greene : And she would just have all that good food . And of course the stove was very hard - - it was just a wooden stove . And she baked her own bread , made her own buns for the hamburgers . Greene : Bill and I were on the reservation , so we did not live there , but he was over there a lot , because he 'd fly supplies over there to them . See , Grace had married Mel Schoppman and moved to Kanab , so she wasn 't there . So it was Ruth and Vern and Irene and Earl and Mom and Dad , during that period . But of course we were there an awful lot , but we just didn 't live there , because we were making a living on the Reservation at that time . Greene : The Cliff Dwellers Restaurant ? They started it pretty much right after they bought it from Jack Church from Kanab . His dad had purchased it from the Russells . Greene : Yes . Dennis Hopper is a Hollywood actor and he 's very well - known . He usually plays weird parts , but he 's a very good actor . Greene : He was one of them , yes . It was the Fonda boy and him - - or , man . And he also has made movies over at Cliff Dwellers . Greene : And Brooke Shields was with him in the movie made at Cliff Dwellers . But anyway , Dennis Hopper had moved to Santa Fe , New Mexico , and I think he still has a home there . But at that time , he was kind of out of favor in Hollywood because he had a problem with drugs , and it was a well - known problem , so I don 't mean to be telling anything I 'm not supposed to . He loved this country over here , so he bought forty acres from us over there . And he was going to build a place . He wanted to be away from the world , and all his friends were the same type friends , so they bought over there too - - ____ quite a few of them . And among them was a fellow named Ed Abbey . Have you heard of him ? Greene : He was the first one to buy forty acres , before Dennis Hopper . In fact , he finally ended up with eighty acres , before he died . So anyway , Dennis Hopper wanted us to come over so that he could buy forty more acres . This event occurred around 1976 . He wanted to walk it and look at it and be sure what he wanted and everything . So we went over and he had his little girlfriend with him , so she and I kind of visited while he and Bill tramped the ground and everything . And he was making his decision , but the whole time he was doing this , he and Bill were really drinking . He , in addition , had had some kind of drug , you know . So he was getting extremely loaded . When we got back to the restaurant , the Cliff Dwellers Restaurant , he didn 't last very long , he passed out in there . And this little girl was such a young girl , and she was from Santa Fe too , and she made jewelry , designed jewelry . Sweet little girl , but she was helpless , and he was laying there passed out . So we decided that we had to come home , because we had a fifty - mile drive and it was in the winter , and very cold . Greene : No , we drove a big Suburban , a great big Suburban . I had never driven it , because it was so big . All we could do was tell the little girl to tell Dennis to call us over at Greenehaven and get back in touch with us over at Lake Powell about the land . But as we walked out of the restaurant , walking down the steps , ( Bill himself had put these in , and it was a stone front porch , and then there were three stone round steps - - you know , different diameters . And it was slate - like rock , and so a piece of it was loose ) . Bill always wore rubber - soled shoes , and also he 'd had a few drinks . ( laughter ) As he stepped on that piece of broken rock , he fell , and his whole body landed on that one leg , and it was twisted under him . He could not get up to save himself . He tried and tried . And of course I was too small to lift him at all , or try to get him up . So I finally got him a little bit up , and then I went inside and got Chuck DeWitt and his wife , who had bought the place from us in around 1974 . I got them to come out and help me , and I got him in a sitting position , and then Chuck and I put our feet on his behind and she took him by the arms , and I opened the door to the Suburban - - they 're very high , you know - - and we pushed him in . I knew his leg was broken , because it was so - - he never complained about pain , and he was - - actually , tears were coming down his face . And so we got him in that way , but I had never driven that big Suburban . The back window was down , and it 's in the middle of winter and it was very cold . It 's about 10 : 30 , 11 : 00 at night , you know . So I asked Chuck and his wife to call over at Lake Powell , where we had a home there . At that time we had a mobile home down there with Grace and Mel . And I wanted Grace and Mel to meet us when we got here at Lake Powell , Greenehaven , because they could help me get him out of the truck . I could not get him to go to the hospital . I tried and tried all the way over here . And also we were freezing , because I didn 't know how to close that back window , and he couldn 't tell Reiff : Oh , my gosh ! Greene : All down around his ankle there . They put a temporary cast . It was not the kind he needed , because being diabetic , he had to have an old - fashioned cast . So they put this softer cast and told me to get him to Phoenix immediately . So that 's what we did . Meanwhile , Dennis had come over to pay , he was going to come out and talk to Bill . See , he was passed out , he didn 't know about Bill 's leg . ( laughter ) So he started driving over to Greenehaven , and had still been drinking , and he got picked up and put in jail ! ( laughter ) And to top it all off , he had an eagle feather in his hat ! and they got him on that one too . ( laughter ) We have not seen Dennis since . Greene : No . And he will never live over there now , the way he wanted to at that time , because he 's into much bigger . . . . You know , he 's in a big estate now . At that time , he was at a low point in his life , and he wanted to get away from everybody . But in order to make the kind of money he makes , he has to do it in Hollywood . So he 'll never move here , but he loves it . Reiff : I want to ask you , Evelyn : I always knew that Bill was considered the brains , as you said earlier , of the family , good businessman . And it sounds like financially , that you guys were absolutely essential to developing both Cliff Dwellers and Wahweap , is that right ? Can you fill me in on that ? Greene : The rest of the family . That 's what they had as an asset to put in . And we had the cash . And so that was okay , because it became an asset of Canyon Tours . Greene : No , it was owned by the state . It was originally for grazing lease . We purchased the lease from a Navajo . His name was Curly Tso , T - S - O , and he was an old friend . So we purchased all that grazing lease from him , and we did have some cattle to put on it , because Mel was a cattleman , so it was a family deal . This was around 1957 . Greene : Because of Bill 's flying over it to bring supplies over to Cliff Dweller 's all the time . He picked , and he said , " I know it has to be this spot . " You could tell from the air . Greene : ______________ . You know , the rumors had been flying for quite a long time that they were going to put a dam in here . And Bill flew directly from Rough Rock over to Cliff Dwellers , so when he did , he passed all that area , and he 'd make a little whirl around and look it all over real good . And he took Dad up in the air , and they decided that was it , that was where it was going to be . So that 's why they wanted to make sure they got the lease on the land that was there . So Greenehaven was part of that lease too . Greene : Yes , but we didn 't use all of it . This was a section , which was 640 acres , but we could not purchase all of this . Do you want me to finish about the Canyon Tours tours ? Greene : So anyway , that 's how we got the land , was from a Navajo originally . Then it had to be presented to the State Land Department that we were the ones that everybody thought should be able to get the concession . It was very difficult because we had a lot of people fighting us . Greene : A concession is the right with the government . You have a contract with the government to have the exclusive . . . . You supply everything that 's needed at a resort , that they have the land on . And so they have control , they tell you what colors you can put on it and all those different things , but everything on it is yours . Greene : The competition was very strong when we were trying to get it . And one of our biggest , biggest helpers was Barry Goldwater . He was a dear friend of Dad 's - - and Bill too . But he was a tremendous help . Greene : He was a senator . Also , there were quite a few politicians who helped us . But he was the one ____________ , same thing Babbitt is now . Greene : All of them helped us , because they all knew Dad was an old - time river runner , and he knew this area , and it was just kind of a thing that should have been an old - timer that knew what they were talking about , concerning the land . But the people who tried to get it from us were people who had a lot of money , and they would throw up the fact that we were just a family and that we couldn 't really afford to do it , that we were not going to have the money to do it . So we had to go to court and fight the battle . But the land commissioner was a man named Obed Lassen , and he fought for us , and he had the final say . So he would say , to the one trying to get the lease from us , he asked them how long they had lived in Arizona . And the guy got all flustered , and he said , " Well , six weeks . " ( laughs ) Because he knew it , ' cause he found out . And what he did was , just get an apartment in Arizona . He was from Utah . Of course part of the lake 's in Utah , but the concession had to be awarded to an Arizonan . And so it was in Arizona . And so anyway , he just said , " Leave the Greene family alone . They get the concession . " And so we got it . And it was really hard for the river runners as the change essentially stopped their livelihood on the river . It was really something , because Dad 's business would be , at that point , which would have happened to your dad , too , would have been at a standstill . Greene : He got boats with an airplane motor on them , because they were going up the river . They weren 't going over the rapids or anything , from Lee 's Ferry down . They were coming up river to Rainbow Bridge . Greene : Yes , from Lee 's Ferry . But it was very difficult , because it was so noisy with those airplane motors . They had to put plugs in their ears and everything else , to stand it . But then they changed from that and finally got the boats that were compatible with the people , because it wasn 't quite pleasant . And then they had stashed - - or cached , I guess you call it - - gasoline all the way . There was no way to get gas . And of course those motors used a lot of gas . So they cached gasoline all the way up to Rainbow Bridge . Greene : Directly after we went up to - - in fact , he ran some of them when he was at Marble Canyon . So he actually started them when he was there , and that would have been in ' 49 , along in there . He was doing it then . Greene : Well , he had done it before , even before your dad . He had done it when he lived in Telluride . Was it Telluride ? No , he was born in Telluride , but he lived in Aztec , and he started doing it way back then when he was around 18 years old . Greene : Oh , he was born in 1895 , so I guess that would have been about 1913 , something like that . But he just did it once in a while , you know . He was just a young kid trying to get some income started . And then , of course , he lived in Denver meanwhile , after he left Aztec . Then he started again when he moved to Arizona and when he went to Marble Canyon , which was in about 1943 . Well , he went there in 1943 . Greene : Yeah , ' 43 , I think , yes . So he was doing it once in a while then , but he had to have a special boat built by a man called Seth Smith , who was the best boat builder in Phoenix . Seth built all the boats for Dad , to be used on the river trips . Dad wasn 't initially happy about the dam being built but he needed to make a living for his family . And so Dad did not exactly think Lake Powell was going to be liked by everybody . He knew there were going to be people who didn 't like it . But he thought , " It 's going to happen anyway , so go with the flow . " And that 's what we did . Of course the people who love Lake Powell , it 's created such a sensation with people that they love it so much that 's all you hear about in Phoenix . Everybody I talk to wants to know all the details . Reiff : Before you move any further into your Lake Powell experience , I would love - - you mentioned briefly to me off tape about Shine Smith . And I would love to know about some of the local characters who evidently populated Lee 's Ferry and Marble Canyon . Would you do that , Evelyn ? Greene : Shine was a defrocked Presbyterian minister . He came out here as a Presbyterian minister . But he used . . . . People didn 't understand how to get converts with Navajos - - or any other Indians , for that matter , at that time - - because they didn 't understand their culture . And so Shine used his own methods , because he understood them better . So he got converts . He didn 't put down their beliefs , but he just talked to them like a child , and they really listened to him and believed in him , and he had more converts than anybody . But the Church would hear about these different things he 'd have , and the converts and how he 'd get them . Greene : Well , you know , I wasn 't here when he first came out or anything , but he would join in with the Navajos , if they had anything to drink or anything like that . He 'd join in and be in their group and party like that . He would take that opportunity to talk to them about Christianity and about the Lord and everything . And _______ they listened to him like a little child would listen . And other things that he would do , he would , for one thing , he had such a following , people just adored him . He was such a very good . . . . So he had a lot of very wealthy people who backed him - - especially after the church let him go , because he wasn 't doing ethical things , the way they wanted it done ______ . So then all of these people - - and one of them I remember was a man who had a blanket factory , and beautiful , big , wool blankets . Well , the blankets that were not finished - - you know , they 'd have satin fitted around the edge of it , a border , and if they weren 't finished correctly , where they had a defect in the trim , he would save them all up at his factory , and at the end of the year , send them to Shine for the Navajos for their Christmas party . So he had these famous Christmas parties . Greene : Well , he had chosen this area to come to . I 'm not sure how he got to Marble Canyon , but he chose the Navajo Reservation as his field . And so then after the Church no longer was subsidizing him , he was given money by people who lived around here , to keep him going , and had a place to live , and a home and all that stuff . And that 's how he got to stay over there , at Richardson 's or whoever - - they all helped him . They used to help him all the time , including our family . Greene : I don 't really know that . I think it was from Pennsylvania . It was back east , but I have no idea what year because at that time he was an elderly man when I first came here . So it had to have been fifty years before that , that he came . Greene : He lived anyplace he could live . He lived at the folks ' place , he 'd be there three or four months . Then he 'd go down to Richardsons ' and be there for three or four months . Anybody , wherever . I think they kept a place for him there at Richardsons ' that he could always come to . Greene : _______ was the older man , and I really don 't know the names of the rest of them . They 're all gone now . But anyway , those families . And then also there was Gray Mountain , he would stay there some , too . Greene : He had a route , oh absolutely . Just the whole year around , he 'd be here three months , and then two months , and just went around like that . And every Navajo knew of him , and they all - - you know , any of them would be a convert if he was there , because they really loved him . So he had a Christmas party at our place at Pinon one year , and it was the largest one he 'd ever had . Greene : No , a Christmas party to give them things . And that 's why they loved him so , because . . . . I mean , other missionaries never thought about their physical needs . They were thinking about their spiritual needs only . And that was hard for them to understand , because they wanted to be comfortable first , in just the basic things . So Shine , with all of these friends all over the world sending him things all year round , by the time Christmas came . . . . And he stored them at Cameron in a storage place there . So this is the largest one he had ever had . We had almost 4 , 000 Navajos . Greene : It took us - - Irene and I sorted the clothes , and Bill built bins in the stockroom , and we had these bins . We would put women 's coats , women 's loafers , men 's coats , men 's shoes , or whatever . And we had them all bins . And children 's bins . All separate . It took us three weeks to prepare for it . And we worked hard , because we had to do it at night after we closed the store . So anyway , we had all those clothes done , but what we did then , we hired this really very good chef , that Harry Goulding had at Monument Valley , to come over . You know , in a trading post you always had those big zinc bathtubs - - I think they 're zinc . Greene : That 's what we cooked beans in , and stew . They had never been used , they were new . He made stew and beans . The fry bread , I had outdoor things that he just built , because he had cooked out a lot over at Monument Valley , so he knew how to do that . We had quite a few helpers from the school there , that helped us . Greene : The party took place at Rough Rock . See , after we left Pinon in 1951 , what happened was , Clarence Wheeler came to Pinon . He came and he had heard about us , because if a Navajo liked a trader , everything 's great , and all Navajos will hear about him . But if they don 't like him , he might as well leave the reservation because you 're not going to do any good with any of them . And so he had heard about us . And we were just in our twenties , you know , so that was pretty young for a trading post . And so he came over and asked us if we would go with him to Rough Rock , and we would be partners . Greene : That was in , let 's see , 1950 , I believe . No , I think it was ' 51 , because we 'd been at Pinon , and we 'd been at Oraibi . And so most of our time out there was spent at Rough Rock , because his offer was so much better than what we had had with Roman . Greene : No , not with him . None . Very unfair , because . . . . But anyway , he quite often would make a comment that so many of his people that worked for him stole from him . Of course that really didn 't make Bill happy , or me either , because Bill said , " We don 't steal , so we would like to make a good living . " He hadn 't gotten around - - so see he was about to go bankrupt , but we didn 't know that . Of course that had nothing to do with us . He had gone into the car selling business in Winslow , and he knew nothing whatsoever about cars , and that 's what got him in trouble . But anyway , so this man [ i . e . , Clarence Wheeler ] comes in and offers us the moon to us , and a partnership . Greene : And we had nothing to spend it on except sending Judy to school in Gallup , because we couldn 't ever leave the reservation . How much are you going to spend on the reservation ? So that 's how we saved so much money , to be able to start Canyon Tours . We did even better than that after the first year , because the more money he made , the more bonus we got . And I was a railroad retirement agent - - also that brought in more money , because all of the signers . And I had 144 , and I was the only woman on the reservation at that time that did that . The signers would go out and get drunk every Thursday . Greene : Well , the railroad pays an agent to sign Indians , and I suppose other communities that have very little work - - they let them sign for unemployment when they 're not working on the railroad . They do labor on the railroads , you know . They lay ties and do repairs , railways and things like that . Of course the Navajos have no way to make money way out on the reservation like that at all , except that . So they would sign up for unemployment . Then I would fill out their forms and send it in for them , and the checks came to the store . So they would pick up the checks at the store . And of course what they bought - - their clothes , everything is purchased at a trading post , because that 's where they lived . And so it 's a very good thing to have in your trading post . Greene : Brings trade in that you couldn 't get otherwise , because the young ones don 't have anyplace to work . However , they did - - see the uranium was found at that time . We also had uranium , but it was on the Navajo Reservation where Bill would find the uranium , so we couldn 't do anything about it except we could own it if we owned it with the Navajos . So we had several Navajos that had places . That didn 't amount to much , but we found uranium over by Marble Canyon area , or Cliff Dwellers area , and we did sell one of those mines over there , so that helped some . That was after they and we were already in Canyon Tours . Greene : The rest of the family , yes . And we put the cash in . And Bill also had a lot of associates who 'd been in real estate in Phoenix . Bill was the original builder of Deer Valley Airport in Phoenix . So he knew a lot of places to borrow money or whatever . And the family didn 't have that advantage - - the rest of the family - - because they didn 't live [ in Phoenix ( Tr . ) ] , or weren 't in that kind of business . So that made us as necessary as anybody was to the family enterprise . And it was definitely a family enterprise . Reiff : I want to pick up that thread . I don 't think people know that there were huge - - that trading posts sponsored parties , because I did that when I was at Marble Canyon . So can you tell me about the 4 , 000 Navajos ? Greene : Oh , wagons . There were some trucks then , but what they 'd do , the family might have one person with a truck . ( phone rings , tape turned off and on ) . . . family , that one of the young men might have a truck , and usually they had a big long - bed truck , because then everybody could get in the back of that truck and come to the trading post - - and in this case to the party that we were talking about . And if they couldn 't all get in there , then they came in wagons . So I 'd say 80 percent were in wagons , and the other 20 percent had trucks . Nobody had a car . A car was foolish out there . That 's the way they got here . And they came from all over . They came from Black Mountain and Navajo Mountain , and anyplace that heard about this Christmas party . I may have a picture at home , I don 't know . And Judy made copies of a lot of those . So maybe we 'll try to get pictures . But we 're all lined up , and we have all of these tubs full of stew and beans , and then we had , of course , frybread by the ton . And the school helped with the frybread - - the boarding school across the street from the trading post . And then we had fruit and Christmas candy and things like that for the kids . So they lined up . Four thousand Navajos lined up , and they let the children and the women first , and then the men . So we had to stand there and try to help them find the clothes they needed , etc . , but we sort of let them pick it out . Greene : Tuxedos ! And it was friends of Shine 's , and they just kept sending them every year . And we had a friend finally that had tuxedos , and by golly , if he didn 't send them to us , and then we had to get them out to people in need . But not recently . So we just gave them to somebody in Page , and they took them out on the reservation , I 'm not sure where . But anyway , tuxedos and a Navajo . And they loved them . They just loved them . Greene : Oh , those young men would pick out the tuxedos . We laid out a choice of clothes , you know . And there were a few fur coats , and oh , they went fast . ( laughs ) And there were high heels , ankle strap shoes . ( laughs ) Stuff that was of no use out there , but it was from all over the country . People had no idea who was going to get them , you know . And so it was fun . It was just a really wonderful time . Greene : Well , it just lasted the one day , once we got it started . What we did , we had - - oh , some of them played a few games and things like that , you know . But it took so long to run them through . And after they got all their clothes , then they had to come back and get all their food . And so it took all day to do that . But then that was the happiest day for them . Oh , they were just . . . . And it just gave you a really great feeling , because they were really pleased . And this was all Shine Smith , so no wonder he was so well - known , you know . And they all wanted to follow his lead and become Christians . So that 's how he got his converts . And it was a good plan , because you have to , when you 're dealing with people who have a different culture from yours - - and that was very different - - you have to make allowances and not go by the strict rules that you follow in New York City . And he knew that , so he was successful with them . He had more converts than all the rest of them put together . Greene : A Mormon family , yes . That Johnson man had the best watermelons in the world down there . You 'd go down to visit him , and he 'd just go out in the field and get a watermelon and bring it in and break it , and you 'd have big chunks of watermelon , that 's what you had . Greene : It was some kind of a war surplus vehicle . It took a long time - - I would say , well , it took at least two hours to get down there . And that 's not very far , you know . Greene : About seven , but you had to go very , very slow . But of course all along the way were those balanced rocks , and you were looking at such beauty that it didn 't matter if it took that long . We made a day of it , and went down to Johnsons ' and had watermelon . It was a wonderful day , you know . Greene : I believe it 's Myers - - it starts with an " M . " Moyers or Myers , I 'm not sure which - - maybe Moyers . But you know there 's a spec house here at Greenehaven . They just bought that . The mother must be almost a hundred . Greene : Because she was friends with Bill 's mom and dad , and Dad was born in 1895 . He 'd be . . . . Let 's see , five years added onto a hundred , he 'd be a hundred and six years old , wouldn 't he ? Reiff : And they didn 't do any tourism . Now , Vermillion Cliffs is five miles from Marble Canyon toward Cliff Dwellers , and they had no tourism stuff going on , did they ? They were just traders at that point , do you know ? Greene : Well , you know , there was no place for people to go to the bathroom traveling through , and so quite often they 'd stop there , because it was kind of - - it had a few things for sale and all that . But he didn 't have a bathroom for the public . So this one guy stopped there , and just decided - - he didn 't think anybody was there , so he just decided to go out in the yard , you know , and Buck caught him , and he almost killed him ! ( laughs ) Greene : Don 't tell Betty , though , she doesn 't know it . But he really did really hurt the guy , but the poor guy didn 't really know , and out in the tules like that . You wouldn 't do that in town , I suppose - - most people wouldn 't . But Buck wanted privacy . They were a lot of fun , because one time Bill and I went with Dad and Mom and Betty , the girl Betty . Greene : Yes . We went with them , and they had , I think it was young Betty who was alone . One of the girls lived alone . And Bill and I had never been to Mexico , deep sea fishing or anything , at that point . So we all went together . We had a ball ! We really had a good time . Both Betty and Buck were a lot of fun . And Dad knew the man that had the Cavern , I believe , or the Cave down there , the restaurant . Greene : In Mexico , yes . This was at Rocky Point , Puerto Penasco . Just this side of it is this big famous restaurant there , and it 's in a cave . It 's always real cool in there , underground . Really underground , if you have claustrophobia . But Dad knew that man that owns it . So we would get there , and oh gosh , we just had a wonderful time . I think , I 'm sure I have a picture of that , if you 're interested in it . The food was excellent , but it was stuff like turtle soup , stuff you don 't get normally here , you know . But it was very , very good . So anyway , that was my only time to go anyplace with them , but they were great . I liked Betty . One of the boys was married to a lady that has a beauty shop up here . Bill and I used to own that building where the beauty shop was . I don 't know who owns it now . I can 't describe it to you . Where the movie theater is . Greene : Earl is the one with the collection . Oh , man ! But see , he and Irene were there all the time , and Bill and I weren 't . We were working out on the reservation , so we didn 't get to do it . But see , we did it mostly on our own property . Greene : Oh , it was just wonderful . If you had a big wind , then the next day you 'd go . No matter how many times you 'd been in that spot , there would always be more arrowheads , because the wind would blow . You know , the sand blows tons of it away when the wind blows hard . So the best arrowhead hunter in the family was Irene . She was excellent , but Bill wasn 't far behind her . And they were quite competitive . And of course Earl got better and better . And Earl made the displays . He loved to do that . And so we had some really good arrowheads . And the only one that didn 't come from there is this one that I 'm going to show you here . That 's the only one that didn 't come from that area . And that was given to Dad from an Indian - - oh , what do you call it ? Not a shaman , but a medicine man , in Oregon , I believe it was . The color is completely different from anything here . Reiff : It is . When you were on the phone , I went over and looked , and I thought , " No , that 's not from around here . " It 's a very deep cranberry color . Greene : So that 's the thing that I remembered most when I was over there . Now , you were here . . . . In talking to Betty Jo , you will probably hear more about - - because she was a little girl who lived there all the time , you know , at that time . So she probably has stories about Marble Canyon and Cliff Dwellers that I am not cognizant of . Greene : Oh ! I think it 's the most wonderful country in this world . I love it up here . I just can 't imagine anything more beautiful . We had a man from Paris , who 's a very well - known man there . He has a television show , and he is an author . He bought two big lots . . . . ( phone rings ) Greene : This gentleman bought two lots in the estate part that had the largest and the best lots . And he made the comment , he has homes in Monte Carlo and he has a home , of course , in Paris , and he has a home in , I believe it 's the Italian Riviera , and New York . And he said he has been all over the world , and never , ever has he seen such beauty as we have here . He said , " You people don 't realize , because you live here , the beauty of this country . " And I said , " I realize the beauty of this country . I think it is spectacular " And so did Bill . We just felt like - - actually , we felt like we were a part of it , a part of the country . That 's what makes it difficult now , because he 's no longer a part of the country , but I know he 's looking after it , to see that it 's okay . ( chuckles ) When it 's a beautiful day like it is today , there 's just nothing in the world so beautiful as this . Do you agree ? Okay . And so , now what ? Greene : Well , probably maybe the most interesting one , because it was the most unusual one , we had a friend who had been the ambassador to Great Britain , and his name was Douglas , Louis Douglas - - Lou Douglas they called him . He had a patch over his eye . He 's famous for it , his pictures . He always had a black patch because he had accidentally - - he loved to fish - - and the fishing [ lure ? ] got caught in his eye , so he was blind in that eye . But he was a very striking - looking man , and he was a dear friend of ours . In fact , he was such a good friend that he wanted to become a part of our program up here at the lake , because he loved it so . But of course it was a family thing . But meanwhile , he called us in Phoenix and he said . . . . He had been in the Court of St . James and he was the ambassador , so he had lived there many years , and in living there , right by the queen and everything , his daughter was raised with Princess Margaret . So they were pals together when they were kids . So Princess Margaret was coming over to visit Sharmyn and the Douglases . The Douglases were , ( his dad was the one Douglas , Arizona , is named after ) , living in Douglas , Arizona . And as you know , Douglas is a very small community , and not much to entertain a princess , and her husband at that time was Lord Snowden . And they had a big entourage - - big . Greene : Forty people , at least forty . Because all of their Scotland Yard people were with them , and a lot of other movie people that I 'll tell you about , that we happened to know , so that made it nice . But anyway , he said , " Can you and Bill help me out ? Can you entertain them for three days , and be host and hostess to them , and we 'll come up to Lake Powell ? There 's no place I 'd rather take them than Lake Powell . " And so we said , " Absolutely . " So he was the host , he was their host , and we were their hosts while they were here . So we agreed to that , and so he gave me a little instruction about what to do . And he said , " Now Evelyn , wear something very bright , because she always does . Wear gloves when you meet her . " And he taught me how to curtsy , or his wife did . So I did the whole bit . I got a watermelon pink knit suit , and I had white gloves . And this was in November . Greene : It was ' 64 , I believe . And so I had the white gloves and did the whole thing . So they had this big plane that was coming in , and it was a twin engine , it wasn 't any small plane . And there were about forty people . But as I said , it was several movie actors , and among them was Roddy McDowell , who was a friend of Lord Snowden 's . He was from England too . And Roddy McDowell we had known when he made the movie here , " The Greatest Story Ever Told . " We had already met him , so that made it nice . And then another one who also had made a movie here was an old - time actress named Dorothy McGuire . She was a lovely person . And her husband , his name was John Quinn or something like that . I 'll think of it in a minute . Then there was another young lady from England originally , named Hope Lange , and her husband , who was gorgeous . ( laughter ) He was so good looking ! And Hope was cute , too , just cute as a button . Then there were quite a few others , but they were not people that maybe you 'd know about . Then of course there was all of the Douglas family . The rest of them were more or less to protect her . She had so many you would not believe it . So we didn 't have the big lodge yet . All we had was Lake Powell Motel . Greene : It was there , it was on the highway as you go in . Now it 's used just for overflow , or for people who don 't want to be in a big place or whatever . But at that time , see , we had a service station , and we had a restaurant , and everything there , because we didn 't have another one at that time . Greene : Oh no , not at that point . Let 's see , ' 64 . . . . We did have the boat tours started , but it wasn 't on a very large scale yet . Grace , at that point , working at the family Trailer park . And Ruth was over at Cliff Dweller 's . We had the fellow from Kanab , Whit Perry . You know Perry 's Lodge ? We had Whit Perry at Lake Powell Motel Restaurant . And he was the first manager we had . And Ken , his nephew , Ken that has Ken 's " Old West " . He was the bus boy - - he and another friend . He wore a little red top . Oh , he was so cute , both of them . And so those two boys came down from Kanab , and they worked over there . But what we did was , we had turned the public away for those three days and four nights . So the whole place was taken over by the Royal Entourage . And the FBI was there , the local authorities out of Flagstaff , the sheriff . We had so much police coverage , you just couldn 't imagine . I didn 't dream she had to be that protected . But anyway , when she got here , I did my whole bit . I did the curtsy , and you 're supposed to say , " Your Royal Highness , " the first thing you say to her , and curtsy . So I did that . And Bill did his thing just right . But Dad , you know Dad called everybody ma ' am , so he said , " Howdy , ma ' am , " and she just loved it . She loved it . Coming from him , he can get by with anything . And after you call her Your Royal Highness the first time , then you do call her ma ' am . She has to be called ma ' am . I hate to be called ma ' am . But in England , royalty is called ma ' am . Her husband , Lord Snowden , even calls her ma ' am . Greene : And you 're supposed to walk - Lord Snowden even walks three steps behind her at all times . So anyway , it 's kind of silly to us , you know , but that 's the way it was . So anyway , when she got here , oh , there were photographers , television , there was everything . And they were all watching when she got out . And here I had my watermelon suit and all , just as bright as could be . And she had on a beige coat , beige shoes , a beige dress , not one bit of color did she have on . So they got us mixed up . We looked exactly alike . Greene : Yeah . And so they got us mixed up . And what she did was borrow my clothes , because she had no rough clothes , and I had boots and I had a raincoat that had a fake , probably a rabbit fur on it , that you could remove . And she liked that , so she wore that . And all of this was in the paper , headlines in The New York Times . Greene : And The Washington Post , and everything , because we had no control over what the employees and other people were telling them . And so anyway , that was the headline in the Phoenix paper , about the clothes she was wearing of mine . But I thought that was fun to have that in there . I had a lot of pictures of those that I can show you . And you can see we 're in the same line , and he 's in between us . Greene : So there were some stories that were told that hurt me because there was nothing said against us , but there were things said against her taking advantage of these poor people out there - - you know , way out in the tules . And she isn 't paying them anything , and it 's costing them a fortune . That was all a lie , because Lou Douglas paid for everything . And besides , it was the best publicity , and Lake Powell had just started , and nobody knew about Lake Powell much . So between movies and her , and people like that coming here , is the way we got people to hear about Lake Powell , because they would instantly hear about it , or read about it in the paper . " Where 's Lake Powell ? We 'll have to go there ! " And so it was probably a million dollars worth of publicity . But it wasn 't all good . Some of it was , like this was really in Timbuktu Land and stuff like that . Greene : It really was . ( laughter ) Well , then The New York Times came out with a story that she had not paid her bill , and she was really taking advantage , and she thought she was so uppity and all that kind of stuff , you know . And I cried , because I 'd never had - - I didn 't realize that newspapers ever had lies in them . ( laughs ) And so Lou Douglas said , " Evelyn , you 're just getting started , and you 're going to have a lot of publicity . You 've gotta get thick skinned right now because I 'm going to send a telegram to my friend , " whoever owned The New York Times , because he knew him real well , and he said , " I 'm going to ask him for a retraction . " It was a lady named Maxine Cheshire that wrote it . Greene : Her husband was a writer also . And she 's an excellent writer . And you know , he said she was too good a writer , and he would not retract the statement . He said , " She has never made a statement yet that we 've had to retract , " and that was that . And it wasn 't anything that big , but it just hurt my feelings , because I didn 't want her to go away feeling that we had said that , because we hadn 't . And of course it didn 't say that we said it - - it just said that she had done that to us . And so anyway , she bought a pair of boots just like mine over in Page , and everybody was thrilled about that . All kinds of things . She had two children , a boy and a girl , and she bought things here to take back to them . Also , their favorite thing to do was - - see , everybody handed them flowers every time they saw them . So the wife of the governor of Utah came down . I think it was the lieutenant governor . Anyway , this lady had a big bunch of flowers , and she presented them to Princess Margaret . And this was a nice thing , and Princess Margaret was very sweet about this encounter . A little Navajo girl - - you remember Dora Knight ? Greene : Dora and Royce , her husband . It was the airport they owned where the royal family landed . So Dora and Royce were there , and Dora had this darling little Navajo girl , all dressed in Navajo clothes , and with a chonga . Greene : Yes . With kind of a figure eight in the back , sort of . And she had a purple velvet outfit on . And she had this beautiful bouquet of roses . And she was very , very sweet to that little girl . And that was the first flowers she received . But every time she stepped out , somebody gave her a big bouquet . So what they did for fun at the parties was - - it was kind of like this game where you act out . What do you call it ? Greene : Charades - - it was like charades . And they would just howl and laugh , and think that was so funny . So what she did was , they would pretend - - and especially Hope Lange - - pretend to be giving her flowers . And they picked up these old weeds out in the yard , you know , and they were just a bunch of old weeds and straggly - lookin ' flowers . And Hope had this bunch of stuff in her hand , and she handed it to Princess Margaret , and then she 'd get down lower and lower and lower , ' til she 's clear down on the ground . And they played that game and laughed , but you know , I don 't think it was very nice , because these people sincerely wanted to give her the flowers and everything . So anyway , we laughed along with them because we had to . I had some beautiful music picked out for dinner music to play . We just had a stereo to play while we had dinner , only the main ones were there . I thought it was just gorgeous music . It was romantic tunes and slow and stuff . And she asked if it would be okay if she put her own records on . And I said , " Sure ! " And it was the Beatles ! That 's all she had was the Beatles . Oh ! They were really popular then . And of course that was what she loved . She was really charming , but she was , I guess , a wild child as far as they were concerned . She didn 't want to follow the rules . And I could understand that , because they were absolutely silly , some of them - - you know , some of the rules . So then what happened was , we took them up the lake the next day and we went on a picnic . And of course there was probably a hundred boats following us , and they were all police of some kind - - either FBI or hers were the closest . And four guys stayed right on the boat with us . And of course then the television showed me as her , because I was on the back of the boat with Hope Lange and those others , talking to them , and she got inside and stayed in the cabin part . Greene : I guess it gave her a break . And so I had a whole bunch of television coverage ! ( laughter ) It was really funny . But anyway , we got up there , and my brother - in - law , Earl Johnson . . . . Yeah , he 's a sweetheart . He was the boat pilot . Well , when we got up there , though , her husband wanted to slalom ski . So we had to locate a single ski . We got everything all prepared , and we had this wonderful picnic . And of course we all had to go to the bathroom behind a rock , because there wasn 't anything then , at all . So when she would go to the bathroom behind a rock , all four of those men would go with her , and stand around the rock , while she went to the bathroom . Greene : She paid no more attention to them than if they were a piece of rock standing there . She had been born to that , and never knew any different . So she just ignored them as if they weren 't even human . And that 's the only way you could do it , I guess . Greene : So anyway , then we all came back to the picnic area , and he was going to go skiing . Earl was going to be the pilot , and Bill was going to be the lookout . So the three of them walked down to the water , we 're up on a hill . Anyway , it was Dorothy McGuire 's husband , John , asked me where the can opener was , because he wanted to open something . And the last time I had seen it , Earl had had it . So they 're all down below . I yelled down there , and I said , " Earl ! " He didn 't hear me . So I said it louder , " Earl ! " And they all looked at me in utter shock - - all of them . And Earl said , " What ? " And I said , " What did you do with the can opener ? " ( chuckles ) And when he answered me and said , " What ? " they all said , " Oh ! " And Sharmyn said , " Ma ' am , you know Mrs . Greene wouldn 't do that . " And she said , " Oh , I know it . " But Earl is a very bad thing to call him , because he 's the Earl of Snowden . It 's like saying , " Hey , Guv ! " to the governor . Greene : They thought I was addressing him ! I yelled " Earl , " because Earl is not a given name in England . They thought I was calling out to Lord Snowden . Greene : It 's a title . And I had not the slightest idea of that , because his name 's ( my brother - in - law ) Earl , so I call him Earl . So that was headlines in all of the papers . Serious ! Oh ! I didn 't like that one too well , but they did it , and made it sound funny . So it didn 't make me look too stupid . But we had some very unusual things happen while she was here . They liked us real well , so they invited us to - - they gave us their home address and they invited us to come over . We did go , but by the time we went over , they were divorced . We only got to make one trip to England . We went on a trip around the world after we sold Wahweap because we had never been on a trip , and we 'd been taking care of tourists for so many years . So we decided we deserved a trip , too . Greene : We started in England , we did go see the changing of the guard and things like that , but we didn 't try to make any contacts , because she , by that time , was on some island , and really getting bad publicity . I don 't know if he ever married . I think he married again . But their two children are grown and married now . She 's had lung cancer . Greene : But anyway . . . . Life hands us some funny things sometimes . But she smoked constantly too , so that 's probably what led to the cancer . I 'm talking about three or four packs a day , constantly . She had one of those holders , you know , and she always had a cigarette . So those things didn 't help her health any . But it was an exciting time . So the Park Service took hundreds of pictures , and I have some of those pictures . Greene : Harry 's been in Page almost as long as we have . And he was with the Bureau of Land Management , and he was their PR man . So every important person that came in , that had anything to do with the Bureau , or the government , he had to take care of them , and see that they got . . . . And so of course he relied on me to see that they got a room at the lodge . Greene : Oh , I 've met many more , but I 'm not sure that I remember exactly any that Harry brought particularly . My very favorite of all of the people that we had , my favorite guest . . . . And talking about friends , then I 'll tell you that . But this is my favorite guest . He 's a writer , a very famous writer , and I have books that he gave me and everything , and I can 't even think of his name . Greene : Oh , very , very , very much so . And his son was the lieutenant governor of Alaska . His name also was Lowell Thomas , Jr . But Lowell Thomas to me was the epitome of someone you just dream about meeting . And I just loved him . And he was so dear to me . And his wife was with him , and she had Alzheimer 's . And they had a nurse with her . But he took her on a skiing trip to Utah . He took her every place he went . And I thought that was so dear for him to do that , rather than leave her at home , even though she really didn 't even know what her surroundings were , or anything much . We had dinner together every night . Bill was busy with some other thing , and so I had dinner with them by myself . So it was just Lowell Thomas , his wife , and her nurse . And we would have dinner , and she would sit there with a sweet smile on her face , and not say one word the whole time . But you 'd look at her and couldn 't help but smile , she looked so sweet . And he was so kind to her . And he would order for her , and pat her hand . It was just the dearest thing to me . So he stayed , we comped him [ i . e . , gave him complimentary accommodations ] . He didn 't know this was coming , and he was so pleased with that . And he was so used to it , I 'm sure , but he seemed as pleased as a little child almost . So he went back to New York , he was from Pohawk , I believe it is , New York , because I have a letter and books and things that he sent . He gave us a million dollars ' worth of publicity on his radio show . He told how wonderful Lake Powell is , and how great Wahweap Lodge is , and the people , and the trip to Rainbow Bridge , and all that stuff , you know . So it was worth it to have him stay there . And then the most outstanding friend and guest that we had was this one . Greene : Well , we knew her in Phoenix , and she married a Phoenix man . They had a boat up here all that time . And they did " Gunsmoke " up here quite a few times . I became - - well , Bill and I became very friendly with John Mantley who was the producer of that show - - one of my very favorite people . And so I had dinner with him a lot , because Bill was entertaining somebody else . So John and I had dinner alone a lot . And so one night I said , " Why did Amanda Blake quit after twenty - two years on that show ? " And he said , " She didn 't quit , I fired her . " I said , " You fired her ? ! You fired Miss Kitty ? ! How could you do that ? ! " And he said , " Because she got too fat . " And boy , I don 't know what I had ordered , but I nibbled on a piece of lettuce for the rest of the night . ( laughter ) He had told me earlier that her coloring was so beautiful that that 's why she looked so wonderful on there . Her coloring was just perfect , you know . They did have a boat up here , and she had taken Frank Griffin , I believe , and he was from Scottsdale . He was a wealthy cattleman . So she and Frank did come up quite often . We had a place that we like real well , that we used to exchange employees with . It 's called El Charro . Have you ever been there ? Greene : And it 's not a Mexican food place . It sounds like it , but it 's the oldest and the best - loved place in Scottsdale for the snowbirds . They love it , and it 's El Charro . The owners ' names are Joe and Evy Miller . Of course I 'm Evy too - - most people call me Evy . So we are close friends of theirs , and that 's where Frank and Amanda Blake ate all the time too , because they lived close to there . And so we 'd see them quite often , and I must admit she was wearing muumuus all the time . She had gained quite a bit of weight . But at his ranch she had made , I guess you 'd call it a menagerie , almost like a zoo . She loved wild animals , and she had special permission , but she had like tigers and wild animals . Greene : Exotic . And she loved them , and that was her big love in life . So that 's what she did when she was married to Frank , and looked after these animals . If any were hurt or anything , she 'd take them in . So she had a wonderful heart . But she divorced Frank and she had cancer - - she had mouth cancer . And they did surgery , and it sort of made her face look different , so she never tried to make a movie anymore then . After she had divorced Frank and she had this surgery , she married a very wealthy man from Texas . He was extremely wealthy , but he had AIDS . And that 's when nobody knew what AIDS was . So it was so sad . But that 's how she died , of AIDS . She married this guy and hadn 't been married very long and he died first . And that 's when she found out what he had . So it was sad . And Frank 's still around . Greene : Yeah , Doc . Oh , he was a dear friend . His wife 's name was Jane , and she became a close friend , but she was not into fishing . I mean , he was an avid fisherman , so he was up here all the time - - not just to make " Gunsmoke " or anything like that - - just came to fish . However , they did make " Gunsmoke " up here about , oh , two or three segments of it . James Arness was nice , but not real friendly like all the rest of them . Ken Curtis had a brother here in town , and so he came pretty often too . Click tabs to swap between content that is broken into logical sections . Description Rating Call number NAU . OH . 101 . 1 Item number 13205 Creator Greene , Evelyn Title Oral history interview with Evelyn Greene , 2001 . Date 2001 Type Sound Description Oral history interview with Evelyn Green discussing the Greene family 's involvement with the development of tourism in Northern Arizona . The Greene family was responsible for establishing trading posts , restaurants , and motels in the region . Transcript of interview included . Collection name San Juan Oral History Collection Language English Repository Northern Arizona University . Cline Library . Rights Digital surrogates are the property of the repository . Reproduction requires permission . Contributor Reiff , Sandy Nevills Subjects Greene , Evelyn - - InterviewsGreene , ArtBaker , VernonBaker , RuthJohnson , EarlMotels - - Arizona - - HistoryTourism - - Arizona - - HistoryBusiness enterprises - - ArizonaNavajo Indians - - Social life and customsTrading posts - - ArizonaFrontier and pioneer life - - Arizona Places Southwest , New - - Social life and customsPage ( Ariz . ) Powell , Lake ( Utah and Ariz . ) Marble Canyon Wilderness ( Nev . and Utah ) Ganado ( Ariz . ) Gallup ( N . M . ) Oral history transcripts Evelyn Greene Transcript Reiff : This is Sandy Nevills Reiff and I 'm interviewing Evelyn Greene at Greenehaven , Arizona , on February 10 , 2001 . This is for Cline Library , Special Collections , at Northern Arizona University . And I am so tickled , and we thought we would talk about Evelyn meeting Bill Greene who was the eldest child , is that right ? Reiff : Okay . And they are of the Greene Dynasty that was Northern Arizona 's premier family in opening tourism to the area . Evelyn is going to share how she met Bill and give dates , if you will , kind of . Greene : Okay . It was in February 1945 . I had been briefly married and I had a baby . So I had gone back to Paducah because it was a very unhappy marriage , and got a divorce at that time . I was working , selling cosmetics in Walgreen 's , and Bill had tonsillitis , so he had to go to St . Louis to have his tonsils out . He came in the drugstore to get some supplies for that , but he saw me , and so he walked right over to me and said , " Would you give me a date ? " And I said , " Well , certainly not ! I don 't know you . I don 't give boys dates I don 't know . " And so I got busy and didn 't pay any more attention , but kept seeing him standing there out of the corner of my eye . He had on his uniform , you know , and was just standing there like he was contemplating , and pretty soon he walked back to the back of the drugstore and talked to the young lady who was the pharmacist . She was a friend of mine , and I worked with her , of course . So he explained his problem to her , and she thought it was very funny . So she brought him up front and introduced him to me as if she knew him , you know , because he told her his name was Bill Greene . And so he said , " Now , you 've met me , will you give me a date ? " And I said , " Well , I 've been married and I have a baby . " And he said , " I love kids ! " And that impressed me a great deal . But I thought , " Well , I 'd better wait and be sure . " So I said , " Well , I 'll let you know . " And he said , " Besides , I 've been married , too . " And I said , " Oh , I 'll bet , " because we were both very young and that seemed like an excuse for him . Greene : So anyway , I told him that I would tell him tomorrow , that if he 'd come back tomorrow , I 'd let him know . Meanwhile , some fellows from his ship that I happened to have met before , came in , and I said , " Who is Bill Greene on your ship ? " And they said , " We don 't have a Bill Greene on our ship . " So I thought he had lied to me about his name , and of course that really made me mad . I thought , " Well , I thought he was so nice , and so upright and everything , and he lied even about his name ! " So anyway , the next day he came in and he had some papers in his hand and he said , " Okay , will you give me a date ? " And I said , " Absolutely not ! You didn 't even tell me the truth about your name . Your name isn 't even Bill Greene . " And he explained to me that his name was Arthur Haywood Greene , Jr . , but his dad was called Art , and his dad wanted him not to be called Junior , so he said , " Let 's just call him Bill , " when he was first born . So it absolutely stuck with him . Nobody ever called him anything but Bill , even though it was not a part of his name - - just a nickname . So that sounded reasonable to me and I thought , " Well , I think . . . . " And besides that , the papers in his hands were annulment papers , and he really had been married for a short time . So I believed that too . So I gave him a date . And he showed up at my house that night . He found out that I liked gardenias , and here he came with a gardenia in his hand , and that was sweet , too , because I always was a romantic , I guess , and I thought that was real sweet . But he immediately walked over to Judy and picked her up - - my little girl was just eighteen months old , and she was just a toddler and had long , dark hair , and was very , very pretty - - I thought , of course . And so he just went over , picked her up , and put her on his lap and started talking to her . He had very blue eyes , and they seemed to fascinate her . She wasn 't used to blue eyes , you know . And so she was just sort of staring at him , on his lap , and suddenly she raised her hand and she had a bobby pin in her hand . I doReiff : Oh , my ! And when did he get out of the Coast Guard ? Greene : He got out of the Coast Guard - - see , that was ' 45 , so he got out in October . But from July until October , I was going to stay with my mother . He was sent almost immediately after we got married to Dubuque , Iowa . So I was going to stay with my mother and continue to work until he was mustered out , or until the war was over . But he didn 't want that to happen , he wanted us to come to Dubuque . So I did go to Dubuque and we were there from August - - we were married the latter part of July , and I guess it wasn 't more than two or three weeks later that I went to Dubuque . So it was in August . And the war ended , you know , then , and so he was mustered out in the last of October in St . Louis . And then we came out here , and his folks were at Marble Canyon . Greene : Yeah , they had come there while - - Bill had been overseas quite a while … during those years the family left Denver and came to Harry Goulding 's at Monument Valley . Harry was Dad 's first cousin . And so Dad and Bill 's mother , Ethel , and the two girls , both of their husbands were in service , too . Now , Ruth didn 't - - her husband was also in service . But they were in Washington , Bellingham , or someplace in Washington . And so it was just Irene and Grace . I think the four of them went to Monument Valley to help Harry . And they hadn 't been there too long , until Ramon Hubbell , who was from the Hubbell family , you know , out of Winslow , and he wanted Dad and Mom and the girls to go to Marble Canyon , and they would be partners with him and they would run Marble Canyon . And so that was just exactly what they had sort of been looking for , you know , because Dad wanted to have something for the boys - - the sons - in - law , and Bill - - to have when they got back , to get started . Greene : So they went to Marble Canyon . Of course I didn 't know them then , but it had to be in , oh , ' 43 , I think , because they 'd been there several years . First they were in Blanding , and had a restaurant in Blanding . Greene : Yes , see , because they were near Harry . And they did that for a while , in between helping Harry too . And the girls worked in there . And they were there just a short time , and then that 's when they went to Marble Canyon . And so that 's where they were when we married , you see . So I came out , though , to meet them before I married Bill , because I wanted to be sure , since I had a baby , that that would be something they would accept . I didn 't bring her with me , but I could tell they would just treat her like everybody else in the family . And there were a lot of babies in the family . So that 's true , they were just wonderful , and they treated me like I 'd known them forever . So I was sure it would work out all right . Travel was always by bus then , because nobody had any tires , you know , and couldn 't get any . Greene : Yes . So we went right back on the bus , and of course I was still working , so I had to get right back . But at least I met his folks and knew what to expect . And I thought the country was beautiful . Greene : First time west ! And I really - - you know , it was just so different from all the trees and everything in Kentucky , and all the rain and all that , but I thought it was just beautiful . So anyway , we then came out here as soon as he was mustered out . And of course this time Judy was with us . So we came on the bus like everybody did then . When we got there , we stayed in the old honeymoon cabin . Remember the old honeymoon cabin ? Greene : That was our living quarters then . And so I started - - of course this was all new to me , you know , and the only thing I had ever done was sell cosmetics . I had started to LSU . That 's when I married the first time , I was going to LSU , and I met my former husband . Greene : Yes . And I met him and I married him . At that time , I didn 't go to college . So this was what I knew how to do , was just cosmetics ( laughter ) and that didn 't fit in there . So what I did was , I could type and I could keep books . And so I started in . I also waited tables . I learned all kinds of new things . I started waiting tables at six o ' clock in the morning , and of course Judy and Bill were still asleep . So Bill had to dress her , and he hadn 't the slightest idea how , but he was really good at it , he tried . From Day One , he was the best father . I 've never known a better father , he was wonderful . And of course Judy just adored him . And so if he would dress her , I 'd go ahead and wait tables until about ten o ' clock . And then Irene and I were a team , and we would then wash and mangle [ i . e . , iron ] ninety sheets . It was the same every day , because that 's how many cabins we had then . Greene : The roads were not paved , but they had asphalt , and they were not bad . But most of the traffic was bus . We had bus stops for breakfast , bus stops for lunch , and bus stops for dinner . And of course there were about forty people on each bus . So that was a lot of people to feed . Greene : Yes , it was a pretty good road , yeah . It wasn 't a bad road , but it was just narrow , and there wasn 't a lot of traffic because people didn 't have access to tires enough to go on a lot of vacations like they did after the war ended , you know . I mean , because it took a while for them to be able to get rubber products and things like that . Greene : Buses were the main thing . So in between waiting tables then , we 'd do these - - because you couldn 't get your laundry done in Flagstaff , that was the closest place . And you had to do it yourself . And we had a big mangle - - you know what that is . Greene : We mangled those sheets , and then when we got through that , it was lunchtime . So then I waited tables for lunch . I didn 't get to see Judy all day long , and Bill was sort of looking after her , but he was busy too . And Butch was there - - he was the same age , approximately , as Judy . And Betty Jo was older , and she was there as well . Greene : Their mother was Grace . Her name was Grace Williams then . She was married to Ira Williams , called " Bud . " So she had the two children . Betty Jo was about , I guess , four years older than Butch . They just played by themselves and learned . And also Linda , who was the daughter of Ruth , the oldest daughter , and her name was Baker . Ruth was married to Vern Baker . And they came back because he had been in the Coast Guard also , but he was stationed in Washington , he never went overseas . So Linda was a few months younger than Judy , so there were quite a few little kids there . Greene : Oh , I know . Ethel was renown for her cooking . She made homemade buns for the hamburgers , homemade bread for everything else . And those buns were as big as about ten inches . You can imagine the size of the hamburgers . I don 't think they ever made any money off of their food , because their steaks would lop over the side of the plate . Greene : Not yet , no , it was a powerplant . But the electricity was later . There were no telephones . And so your only means of getting messages in and out , other than letters , were telegrams , and they were sent to Flagstaff , picked up by the bus driver , and the bus driver would bring them out to you . And that 's the only communication you had with the outside world . So I was , of course , this was totally , totally new to me , but I loved the whole family , I just fell in love with them immediately because they treated me wonderful . And I don 't know if you knew Aunt Molly . Greene : Well , Aunt Molly raised Art and Harry Goulding , and Charlie Goulding . Their mothers died when they were two years old - - Charlie and , well , Harry - - but I guess Charlie was about five , and Harry was two , and Dad was two when his mother died . And so Aunt Molly was the sister of the boys ' mothers , and she raised those three boys . So they were like brothers , you know . And Aunt Molly called him Arthur , the only one who didn 't call him Art . And Arthur was her pride and joy . And so she lived there too at Marble Canyon . So there was quite a big family . Of course the family was very hospitable to everyone who came there . And every night they would have like dancing and they played poker . And Mom , after cooking all day long , would sit there and play poker half the night with the men . I never saw anything like it . She was just terrific . But Bill had a little problem , and his problem was that he was extremely jealous . ( laughter ) Greene : To see if I spoke to anybody I waited on - - you know , any man . ( laughs ) So anyway , that was the only bad thing . And everybody talked about it . Did you know J . H . McGibbney ? Greene : J . H . McGibbney . It was M - C - G - I - B - B - N - E - Y , and you 'll see a lot of his pictures in the old Arizona Highways . Anyway , he was there all the time . He was a close friend , and he was there constantly . And he absolutely couldn 't get over the way Bill was . He really insisted that he thought he should go to a psychiatrist , because he had been in a very tough war , and he 'd been injured , too , and he 'd been through a lot in his life already . And he just couldn 't quite trust anybody - - especially me . And so finally I just couldn 't stand it any longer . I was there almost a year , and there was a very famous artist there - - a lot of artists used to come there . Reiff : Yes , I remember . ) And her name was Nora Cundell . She was from England , and she was an artist who drew animals , mostly dogs . But she was very , very well - known for that . And she was a real dear lady , and she watched me quite a bit . She was there a couple of weeks at least , and loved that country . So she finally came over and she said , " My dear , I think you need a friend . Could I help you in some way ? " I said , " Could you mail a letter for me in Flagstaff ? " She was leaving the next day . And see , we had to mail the letters , put them in a big basket , and Bill always got my letters and opened and wrote more on them , because they were to my mother or my sisters or whatever . So I didn 't want him to see this one . So she mailed it to my sister . And I just said , " Get me out of here ! " ( laughs ) Because I just couldn 't stand that anymore . It was really oppressing . But I loved him very , very much . Anyway , so my sister . . . . See , there were no telephones out there , so she sent a telegram and said , " Come at once , Mother going to marry . . . . " What do you call it when somebody 's trying to get your money ? Greene : No , well , like a fortune hunter . And my mother was a nurse and lived at the hospital in Paducah , Kentucky . So she was not so loaded with money , but that 's all my sister could think of . So she said , " Come home at once . " So that gave me enough courage to say , " I 've got to go home , [ there 's a ] problem . " And Bill said , " Oh , no , we 're going to Tuba City and call your sister . " So Tuba City was the closest telephone . Greene : Well , it would take a good two hours , because the roads were not too good . And so we drove all the way over to Tuba City , and the phone lines were horrible . They crackled all the time . You 've probably had that experience , too , when you were younger . Greene : When you ever got them then , the phone line crackled . And so Bill would yell " Hello ! " and then she 'd yell back " Hello ! " and then crackle , crackle , crackle . You couldn 't hear a thing . I was saved . So he finally gave up and he said , " Well , I can 't understand her , she can 't understand me . So I guess you need to go home then . " Because I kept saying , " Oh , no , something really bad has happened ! " So I did . Judy and I went on the bus back to Paducah . I knew it wasn 't a mistake , because I knew we loved each other dearly , but he had to have something wake him up from that , because he had to trust me or we couldn 't go on . So he followed me . I got back to Paducah , and then I went to Cape Girardeau , Missouri , to my aunt 's , because I figured he wouldn 't be able to find me there , but he did . He went to my grandmother , and she told him where I was . I wouldn 't even talk to him [ and talked to my aunt ? ] . He knew then that I had not planned to come back unless something changed . So I finally went back to Paducah then - - it wasn 't very far - - maybe seventy - five miles or something like that . I went back on the bus to Paducah , and he was at the Irvin Cobb Hotel . See , that was Irvin Cobb 's hometown . And so everything 's Irvin Cobb or Barkley - - Alben Barkley was from there , and he was the vice - president , before your time . But he was the one that started the VIP deal . Greene : Yes . And they used to call him " the VIP . " So in Paducah everything is either Barkley Avenue or one of the other of those guys . So he was staying at the Irvin Cobb Hotel and I was staying at my grandmother 's when I got back , because my mother and father were divorced and my mother lived at the hospital . My dad lived in a hotel . So I couldn 't live with them . So anyway , I stuck by my guns and I said , " No , I just couldn 't do it . I know it 's important to your family to have you , " because Bill was the businessman , he was the money - raiser , and the one who knew how to develop a business . And so that was his main purpose . Dad was loveable , and everybody adored him , but he couldn 't handle money at all , and didn 't even try to , it wasn 't his thing . And I knew it was very important for Bill , and I said , " I don 't want to stand between you and your family , but I cannot be there when you treat me like I 'm in prison . " And so , oh , he would change . But he said , " I realize that I shouldn 't have brought you there first . I should have . . . . You know , bringing you out there with the baby and you neglecting the baby . . . . " She got lost almost twenty - four hours one day . Greene : We couldn 't find her at all , and that 's what made me decide to leave . So Butch was used to it , and he would go . . . . One time some people picked him up off the road . He was asleep in the middle of the road , and brought him back and said , " Does this child have a home here ? " And he could have easily been killed , but Butch survived all those things , you know . Greene : It was just more primitive for hunters and things like that . But the people didn 't really come down through Jacobs Lake , you know , even if there had been . So when travelers saw that Marble Canyon was the first and only place for miles around to get gas , food , etc . - - they all figured they 'd better get gas while they could - - and a meal too . So they stopped at Marble Canyon . Greene : We just couldn 't find her . I figured , I just knew she 'd walked down - - because she loved to - - she was kind of a tomboy , and she was walking - - by that time she was two years old , but she couldn 't walk very far . So I figured she 'd gone and fallen over , because it wasn 't very far to walk down there and fall over 350 feet . Greene : I was afraid she had fallen , and I was just hysterical . And so anyway , everybody kept looking every place for her outside . Well , what had happened , she had gotten tired and gone in one of the cabins , and it wasn 't rented , and it was made up , and she just got on the bed and went to sleep . And she 'd been asleep in that cabin . I don 't know where she 'd been in between , but that 's where somebody found her . And that 's when I decided I just couldn 't stand that . I felt like I was neglecting her and everything . But see , Butch , being a boy , and he was really very much a boy - - you can imagine . ( laughter ) He got bitten by scorpions so many times , he was immune to them . Mom would put just plain old ammonia on the bites , and it worked . You didn 't have access to anything else like that . Greene : All of our own doctoring . There was a doctor in Kanab , and when anybody had a baby , or when anybody had something serious - - like Bill 's mother had had tumors and she had to have surgery up there - - and there was a doctor there . I guess he was a good old country doctor , seemed to be popular with people . But out there , there was just nothing . And so anyway , what Bill said was , " I realize I shouldn 't have brought you out there that soon . It was so different from where you 'd been and everything . I promise I won 't be that way anymore , I won 't be so bad . " So he got a bunch of pots and pans and things from his mother , and some sheets and stuff like that . And he took them - - I had not said I 'd go back yet , and I was still in Paducah - - and so he took them to Phoenix and he stayed at the " Y . " He had already planned to go to Tucson to school anyway , the following September , but he didn 't get up there . He couldn 't go back to school . Bill was very smart , very smart , and he had had some college at . . . . Let 's see , what was it ? It was at the Colorado School of Mines . But see , he went overseas , so yeah , he didn 't get a chance [ to graduate ( Tr . ) ] . So anyway , he wanted to go on to college . So he got us a place to live in Phoenix and everything before Judy and I moved to Phoenix , and he 'd write these letters , " Daddy has this for you , " and " Daddy has that . . . . " And Judy just worshipped Bill . I couldn 't do that . And I didn 't want to make another mistake , and I knew I loved him very much , and I knew he loved me , and I knew Judy loved us both . So here I came back , and I went to Phoenix and he said he had a place for us across from a beautiful school . It was just really nice , and I was going to love the location because it was across from this beautiful building and everything . ( chuckles ) It turned out to be the mental hospital , the state mental hospital , and he didn 't know it . ( laughter ) Greene : It was paved , yeah , but it was definitely out in the country , kind of . And it was tough to live there . ( laughs ) Anyway , the first night I was there , I heard this screaming about four o ' clock in the morning , and that was every night after that , we would hear that lady scream . And then he went to work . He had gotten a job with a heating and cooling . . . . See , he had some training with that in the service . And so he just went in and asked this guy - - it was the biggest one in Phoenix then , D . S . Horrall - - and he asked Mr . Horrall for a job . And he said , " Sir , where have you been ? " He said , " Well , I just got out of the service . " He said , " You know you have to belong to the union before you can even ask for a job . I admire your guts , so I 'm going to give you a job , " but of course he had to join the union . And Bill never was cut out to work for somebody else , but this was temporary , and we knew it . Greene : Oh , my gosh , it was so much smaller . I imagine it was maybe not over 200 , 000 . Probably it was that big , counting Mesa and all around , you know . It 's twenty times as big as it was then . So we stayed there in that place , and Bill was always looking for something better . He wasn 't planning to do that very long . Well , Ramon Hubbell really liked us , and he had the biggest collection of Indian rugs in the world . Greene : In Winslow , that was where their home was . And so he wanted to know if we would like to start a shop in Phoenix , and Ramon would supply everything on consignment to us . Then I would run the shop , and Bill would continue to work with Horrall . He would also work at the shop when he could at night , he kept it open until about nine o ' clock at night . So we fixed up an old home , right on Central , in a real good location , but it was an old home . And we fixed it up and painted all the shelves a different color and had it just really nice . And then Bill built a hogan out in front of it . And Ramon sent a Navajo weaver down . In the back of us there were some old cabins - - been there forever , I guess . And so Nanebah Clah stayed in a cabin in back of us , and of course we fed her . She had a stove in there , too , when she wanted to fix something , because she didn 't like some of the things that we ate . Greene : She was a Navajo from Pinon , and he had a trading post at Pinon . And at that time I probably weighed 94 - 95 pounds . She weighed about 300 pounds , but she had a baby , a brand new baby , and his name was Hubbell Clah . A lot of people named their kids Hubbell , or whoever the trader was - - they did that . Anyway , she had this baby in a cradle board , which appealed to the tourists . So she would weave out there by that hogan that Bill [ had built ( Tr ) ] . And this was right on Central by Macayo 's , if you know where [ that is ( Tr . ) ] - - right down the street . It 's a big , tall office building now , but anyway , it was quite unusual for Phoenix . We didn 't speak Navajo then , Bill and I didn 't - - of course we didn 't know how to do it , and especially me , from Paducah ! And so Nanebah , every night , would come in after we 'd close the shop at night , and Bill had a pencil and a little pad in his pocket . And so she named him Hosteen Bee ' ak ' e ' elchihi , which is " the man with the pencil . " And I was always called ' Asdzani Yazhi , even after I got on the reservation , which is " little woman . " And then they called him Hosteen Tso , which is " big man , " afterwards . But she called him Hosteen Bee ' ak ' e ' elchihi . . And so anyway , we would point to things , and she would say it in Navajo . She couldn 't speak a word of English . And she would say the word , and Bill would write it down the way it sounded . So we learned nomasii for " potatoes , " to totilchosee for " pop , " and chloe - chin [ phonetic spelling ] for " onions . " And words like that . We learned about , I 'd say , twenty words very well - - we knew those real well , but they didn 't make any sense - - and mostly items from the kitchen or whatever . Bill continued to work [ doing heating and cooling ( Tr . ) ] , so I was with her during the daytime , and she had an understanding with me - - we understood each other . I took her to the dentist and got her teeth pulled - - she had some bad teeth . And that 's right by the Indian School , so they did it for her there at the Indian School Hospital . Greene : Because there was a school there , and the children could go . And it wasn 't just Navajos , it was all tribes in Arizona , and there are a lot of tribes in Arizona . So it was a big , big school there on Indian School [ Road ] . It is still there , but it has changed quite a bit . They sold part of the property , and I don 't know how many students there are now , but then there were a lot of them . But any Indian could go in and get medical attention , free . And so I took her there . And things like that , so we got really close to each other . And I 'd have to hold her arm like she was the child and I was the mother . It was kind of funny , because she was so much bigger . But anyway , we got to love each other . And so what I would do is , the tourists would come and just swarm around , watching her weave her rug , you know . It was very interesting . So I would go out there , and the people would say , " Oh , this is so exciting ! I 'm seeing somebody weave a rug ! I never saw anything like that before ! I would love to have that rug . " They 'd say , " Could you tell her that I 'm from near Lake Erie , " or wherever , you know . And so I would say , " Nanebah , " and she 'd look at me wisely , you know , and I 'd say , " chloe - chin nomattsee " [ i . e . , nonsense " kitchen " Navajo ( Tr . ) ] , and I 'd use emphasis on the words , and she would nod wisely . ( laughter ) Greene : So anyway , they had no idea , of course . And so I would go all the way through all my little repertoire of about twenty words , and I 'd use different emphasis on it , you know , and she would nod . And when I would quit talking , she would then start saying Navajo , and looking at me real wisely , and telling me all kinds of stuff in Navajo , but I had not the slightest idea what she was saying ! ( laughter ) So anyway , then she 'd stop , they 'd say , " What did she say ? " and I said , " Oh , she said , it sounds so beautiful where you come from . And she 's never been away from this part of the country , and someday she hopes to go and see your beautiful country too . " And then they 'd say , " I 've got to have this rug . I mean , I talked to the lady that is weaving it . " So they 'd buy it before it was finished , and we 'd make a deal that when it was finished , I would notify them , and I knew how much it was going to be , because we charged about the same for every rug , whatever size it was . Greene : Yes . And so anyway , because now on the reservation they weren 't quite that much , but about like that , and that 's what Ramon told us to do . Anyway , I 'd sell those rugs like hotcakes , as fast as she could make them , because people would see it . And later , oh ! , a young person thinks they can do anything . And I wouldn 't do that now for anything ! Oh , I 'd be scared to death , because Phoenix is full of retired Indian traders who speak very fluent Navajo , which I learned to do myself , later , but not then . Say , if Clarence Wheeler , who we later were with , if he had stopped by there , finding it interesting that there was a Navajo , weaving there , and listened to our conversation he would have had a good laugh . Greene : Clarence Wheeler was the dearest man . He was from the area over near Blanding - - the Wheeler family was - - and they had been Indian traders for many years . I think there were three Wheeler boys , and Clarence was in with his brother , Lon Wheeler , and then a brother - in - law - - and I can 't think of his name right now , but he had Sunrise Trading Post at that time , the brother - in - law . [ END TAPE 1 , SIDE A ; BEGIN SIDE B ] Greene : Clarence Wheeler was a very , very dear man , and one of the most wonderful Christian men I 've ever known in my life . He was a trader . They were originally from the Blanding area , I believe - - the Wheelers were . In that area , at least - - maybe not Blanding , but close by . And they had quite a number of trading posts . After working for Ramon Hubbell a few years we met Clarence Wheeler whom we worked for later at Rough Rock . People left Phoenix in droves in the summer , because there wasn 't much air conditioning then . And so they would go home . That summer [ Ramon ] asked us if we would go to Oraibi to his place there . And so we decided to do it . Greene : In the United States , yes . And the Hopi people are very different from the Navajos whom we had become acquainted with then . By that time we knew a little about Navajos , having been with them at Marble Canyon also . So Hopis were new to us too , but we went out there . And it was quite an experience . Greene : Yes , there was a lot of differences , and mainly the Hopis were not nomads like the Navajos . Navajos moved from hogan to hogan somewhat , and they 'd take their sheep to the different locations . But Hopis were like we are more . They have their pueblos and that 's where they stayed all the time . And their ways were much more like Anglo people . And so they were not quite as jolly and fun people as the Navajos , but they were very dedicated people . They were very dedicated to their religion , too . And they were very interesting to be around . We stayed there for some time , and of course it was a really old , old trading post , and it had been the original Juan Lorenzo Hubbell Trading Post . He was the first Indian trader on the reservation . Greene : So then his son , Lorenzo , took over , and he was a very loved man by the Navajos , by everybody . But Lorenzo had passed away by this time . Ramon was the only one left , so he had all these trading posts he had inherited . Greene : Yes , it was . Ganado and Oraibi . They had all kinds of interesting things , like for example Oraibi had been run by some Navajos that didn 't really understand the value of the paintings they had there , and so when we got there , they were just piled , and some of them had been mutilated . Greene : Well , they 're very famous paintings now if you ever go to the museum there in Ganado . They have all of them there . And that was the ones that were at Oraibi when we went there , and they were just piled in big old piles in the corner . And the mice had been in there , you know , and they just weren 't taken care of at all , because Lorenzo had died , you see . Greene : At Oraibi . And very , very expensive drawings now , because there 'd be no way to replace such things . And they were very good , but they were all done in red , and so they were known as the red drawings . Anyway , when we got there , everything was just a mess . There wasn 't even any indoor toilet or anything . So the first thing we did was - - Bill knew how to do that , so he put in a bathroom . Then we cleaned up everything as best we could . It was extremely interesting , especially for Judy who was very small , a little girl then . The kids would all come and stand in the window and say , " Judy ! Judy ! " And then she 'd go out and play with them . So she learned to make piki . Greene : Yes , with blue corn and all . They made it on a stone . They 'd just pour out this blue corn [ batter ( Tr . ) ] , and real thin , and so it was almost like a potato chip texture , you know , that had a wonderful flavor . They still , of course , make that . And she learned to do that , and she loved the children there at Oraibi . But we 'd been there about , I guess almost a year , and what we did was , we wanted to learn all about the culture and everything , so we went to their dances all the time . We went to the Snake Dances , we went to the Butterfly Dance , which is beautiful . The local missionary then , who was there at that time , didn 't think that was right for us to do that , but we wanted to learn all about it . We were going to be in the Indian business , we loved them , and if you 're going to be there , you should know about their beliefs and habits and culture , I thought . So we did it anyway . And we went to all of those dances , and we got to know all of them . And they 're lovely people . They are not drinkers and all , like some of the other tribes . They 're much more conservative . They had peculiar names , though : Sekaquaptewa and things like that . It 's a little hard to pronounce . But anyway , we stayed there about a year , and then Ramon suddenly needed somebody at his Pinon store . And since we were more involved with Navajos than with Hopis , and we had been there long enough to clean it up and everything , and he , I guess , found someone who could - - I think it was another Navajo , but he found someone who could take it over there , but not at Pinon . So we went to Pinon . Greene : It 's on the Navajo Reservation . It 's about , oh - - it 's near Black Mountain - - it 's about fifty miles , I guess , from Oraibi , but on very bad roads . ( both talking at same time , neither discernable ) But wonderful compared to what it was then . So when we got up there , then the roads were so bad that we couldn 't get out a lot of times , at all . And so Bill learned to fly , and we got an airplane , because that 's the only way we could get out . First we got a Jeep , but sometimes they were too bad for even a Jeep . Greene : But I didn 't have enough time to get through it . So we then had to - - what we did was get an apartment in . . . . Well , first she lived a year in Ganado , went to school there , that first year . My mother came and stayed . They had a great big hogan - - you 've been there , haven 't you ? Reiff : Yes . ) Outside of their store there 's a big hogan that 's really a home . And it was a gift to us . That 's where my mother and Judy stayed that winter , and she went to school that first year there . But then we got an apartment in Gallup , and my mother would just leave Paducah at the hospital . She 'd come out here in the winter and keep Judy in Gallup . And so she went to school from then on in Gallup . But we couldn 't even get in to see her half the time . That 's why we got this plane , and Bill used to fly sick Navajos to the hospital , and things like that . Greene : Stinson , yeah . Real wide wings . And then after that , we had a fellow who came to work for us , and he could fly . So Bill let him fly some supplies over to Cliff Dwellers , and there was a big old windstorm , and he didn 't have it tied down good . And those big , wide wings , just flipped [ the plane ( Tr . ) ] over , and it was demolished . So then we got a Tri - pacer [ phonetic spelling ] , and the Tri - pacer worked great . And so that 's what we had from then on . And so he would , you know , fly not only Navajos - - that was helpful - - but also he would - - not only when they were sick , but if they had any kind of . . . . I mean , we 'd have things like murders and a few things like that out there . Greene : To Pinon . And we never locked our door or anything . And I wore cowboy boots and Levis all the time because I had to climb a ladder - - you know , they built very high , great big shelves . So I wore those all the time , and I always had the cowboy boots by my bed . I also was a railroad retirement agent . And I was a notary public . So I had to sign all the men up for unemployment every Thursday . And of course I was employed by the government , and I was bonded , I was under a $ 10 , 000 bond to tell the truth about any of them that might lie or anything like that . So ( chuckles ) anyway , what was my original thought , I forgot ! Greene : Oh , yeah . This is not quite a murder , this one , but it was the most traumatic thing we 'd had , because we - - it got worse , but we were more used to it after that . This fellow came in and he said that his daughter had been raped , and oh ! we just fell apart . Greene : Navajo . And it was a very young girl , I think she was fifteen . So of course we were just devastated , we thought it was just terrible . And so Bill was trying to question him about it , if we could do anything to help find him or do something about it , and certainly take the little girl to the hospital . He didn 't want us to take her to the hospital , and he told Bill if he would give him fifty dollars , I think it was , he would tell him who raped her . He knew who raped her ! And that was the worst experience of our lives . We couldn 't get over it . My mother happened to be there at that time , and she was just . . . . Oh ! she just couldn 't understand it . It was just devastating . And Bill told him he certainly wouldn 't do that . Told him if he knew who it was , to tell him , and he 'd see that he was punished . And do you know that that fellow would not tell him , unless he gave him fifty dollars . Greene : So we just tried to . . . . My mother looked the little girl over , because she was a nurse . But there were nurses at the school over there , too . They had a boarding school over there , and they looked her over , and she was harmed , too . She was bruised . And the father wouldn 't tell who it was unless somebody paid him . So we had to leave it up to them to do it . We couldn 't take it any further than that . But we just let him know that we were willing to help in any way we could to find him , and certainly to protect the girl in any way . So then after that we had . . . . Oh , one night , the reason I told about the cowboy boots , we left the door open at night , and one night , in the middle of the night , a Navajo walked in and he was just standing by my bed , and he said that he had killed his wife . Well , I quickly pulled on my boot and something was tight in there , so I kept pulling . I thought , " Well , maybe that 's my sock . " So I pulled it off and it was a mouse ! ( laughter ) We had a lot of mice up there . You could never get rid of all of them . I had killed that mouse in my shoe ! ( laughing obscures comment ) It was really , really interesting , to say the least . Well , the guy said that he killed her , and Bill said , " Well , are you sure she was dead , and he said , " Yes , there was blood coming out of her head . " [ Bill ] said , " Did you feel her pulse ? " He said , " Oh , I didn 't touch her . " They don 't touch them , if they 're dead , you know . So anyway , Bill called the police . . . . Greene : They were Navajo police . And so anyway , it took hours and hours . He was perfectly willing to wait there . And Bill kept trying to get some more information . He wanted to know . . . . He said he was just drinkin ' and he was mad , and he hit her in the head and killed her . So when the police finally came , why , they did take him off , but they didn 't do a thing with him - - nothin ' , at that time . They 're more strict now . Greene : Oh , yeah , she was very dead . She 'd been dead several hours by that time . So that way , we didn 't have to participate in the arrest of him , except that they arrested him at our house , but they didn 't do a thing . He didn 't have to stay in jail or nothin ' . But now , they do . And jail is the worst thing a Navajo can have . They cannot stand to be cooped up , you know . Greene : They had medicine men . The medicine men were very revered , really . And we knew who the medicine men were , and we knew that they got things in the mail . It was peyote , and you could smell it . So we got to know . Of course we had the post office right there in our place , and we handled all the mail . And so we knew what it was , but you don 't interfere with somebody 's culture unless it 's something that 's hurting somebody , and something that you have authority to do it with . And actually , the medicine man , the most prominent one , he was crippled , he had a bad leg . Greene : I may think of it , because I usually do that way , if I haven 't thought of anything for a long time . But anyway , he was a sweet little man , real sweet natured . We could find no fault with him . But we had a fellow from Johns Hopkins University come out and spend a summer with us to study peyote groups , and his name was David . . . . [ Oh , I forgot ? ] There again , I 'll have to think about that . But he has written books about it , and they 're available now . His first name is David , and I will think of his name before - - because he stayed with us all summer , lived with us . He was Jewish , but he didn 't object to having - - because we didn 't have a lot of sources of meat , you know - - and he would eat bacon and things like that . He wasn 't an Orthodox Jew . But a really nice guy . And he went out to the peyote clans ' meetings , and participated , because he wanted to understand what peyote did . There had been rumors about infanticides , there had been things like that happen at some of their meetings when they had had peyote . Greene : It was rumored . I didn 't know any fact about that , but it was rumored among the other Navajos , very much so , because they weren 't all Peyote Clan , you know . And perhaps a lot of it was exaggerated . But the ones who were not Peyote Clan would tell all these stories about it . And of course we were there , you 're learning everything new , so you listen to all of it . But David went and participated . They make like kind of a tea , and they pass it around . You know , they sit in a circle in a hogan . He said that there was very mild hallucination , but it was pleasant , it wasn 't anything that would cause anybody to become violent , in his opinion . And so that 's the way he saw it . You know , the book he wrote was something that he had been given a grant to do . Greene : A researcher from Johns Hopkins . And he wrote the book with that , and I 'm sure you could find it . Aberle ! David Aberle , A - B - E - R - L - E , Aberle . Isn 't it funny ! I haven 't thought about that in years . But anyway , he wrote the book , that he thought it was more or less harmless , and he didn 't think it was anything to try to arrest them for , for using drugs , or anything like that . So I guess maybe it calmed everything down , because there were getting to be so many rumors about it , that I guess the police were wanting to try to confiscate all of the peyote . And it was coming from . . . . Let 's see , I believe it was Alabama . Anyway , it only grows in a few states . And this would come in the mail to the medicine man , see . And of course he was of the Peyote Clan . So it was very , very interesting . Greene : Do you ? Well , anyway , I could write a book about just the things that happened out there . But see , Bill was flying over to Cliff Dwellers . At that time , it wasn 't going well over there . The family had left Marble Canyon then , in the middle of while we were on the Reservation . Roman was a very , very poor businessman . I don 't know if I should say that or not , but he was , everybody knew it . He was going bankrupt . So Dad wanted to buy it - - Cliff Dwellers , as you know . Greene : At the moment , I am devastated by that . It was in a picture in the paper recently , and a story written by a man named Mark Schaeffer . Maybe you know Mark . He 's at NAU . Anyway , he 's a professor there , but he writes , too . And the picture he had in there , somebody had really trashed it over there . And Johnny Schoppmann 's son went over and repainted it . He thought that was the original color , and he had turquoise on it ! It is hideous - looking . And besides that , some of the roof had blown off , so we 're going to completely renovate it and fix it up , because the family wants to keep that forever . Greene : Well , Blanche Russell , she and her husband had come from New York , and she was originally with the Follies in New York . ( laughs ) They came out in this old car . And of course this was many , many years ago . Greene : That would have been , I guess , about 1920 , back then , you know , when there were almost no cars on the road . I could get the exact dates . It 's in our archives , by the way . We have archives that would give you other things than what I 'm telling you - they are at ASU and at the Heard Museum , and it 's on line , and you can get it . You know how to do that . Through NAU you could get . . . . See , that 's where all of our pictures , we have McGibbney 's pictures , we have priceless things in there . And most of the things at ASU are all about all of this country . But the things at the Heard Museum are mostly about Bill and I , because it was Indian . Dad couldn 't speak Navajo . He could say yah - tah - hey . But the Navajos he came in contact with over there were English - speaking more or less , and it was a little different situation than being right out on the reservation and then learning to speak Navajo , and having to speak Navajo . And also we 're the ones - - McGibbney would come to our trading post and stay about a month and get these wonderful pictures . He set up a studio right in the trading post . So we have some wonderful stuff that you 'd love . Greene : And you could certainly have access to it , because you 're working at NAU . I would have to ask Judy and check to see if I could do that over the phone . She can tell you - - you know a lot about computers , I guess , don 't you ? Greene : That 's the way I am too . That 's why I can 't work my computer very well . I have one now , they gave it to me for Christmas , and I 'm learning , but Judy knows all about them . Greene : Mine are just the way they look to me , but hers are abstract . She taught weaving , she 's a wonderful weaver . See , that 's what she did when she was a little girl , watched women weave in summertime , so she got interested in it , and she 's a really good weaver . Greene : So her pieces , like , would cover that whole wall there . And in sections . So they 're mostly in hotels and lodges . They 're too big for most homes . And expensive . And they 're all different things : they 're weaving , they 're acrylic . I only do oils , and she does everything except oils . She does watercolors . And she mixes them in . Greene : Yes , five different media . And I 've never had any training . She has a master 's degree in art . So she did teach there for a while , and she 's freelance . And she has a website that 's beautiful , you 'd love to see that . Let me call her for a second . ( tape turned off and on ) We stayed at Pinon about a year , and we had a little female dog there . ( laughs ) Oh boy , I tell you ! We had a real - - I almost had a fight with a whole bunch of men . My little dog got out , and she was in heat . She was a little bitty dog , named Inky , a real black dog . So she got out and I heard a commotion out front , and these men were all laughing . Of course these Navajo dogs had gotten to her , and I just went bananas . ( laughs ) I ran in and got a bucket of water , and threw it on the dogs , and it didn 't do any good , of course it was too late . But they were standing there laughing , and they wouldn 't help me , because they thought that was fun - nee ! And so anyway , she had some pups . I believe there was four of them , and we kept one of them and that was Cle - Cha . I told you we had him . He was black too . But he was built real funny , I had no idea what - all he was . He had legs about that long . Greene : Yeah , that was appropriate for me , I guess . But he was really short . He was real full of life . We somehow adopted , without knowing it , another dog , a Navajo dog , that looked just like a skunk . You know , he had that stripe and he was black and white . So we named him Skunk . He didn 't come in the house , but we fed him all the time . And he was Cle - Cha 's buddy . Of course we shortened it to Clay . And here was this big ol ' , tall , ugly dog , and little ol ' Clay down here . So Clay would jump in a bunch of mean dogs . They were in gangs . And he 'd go right in the middle of them and start a fight , and then he 'd run out , and old Skunk would have to fight the fight . So one day - - he was old , I guess , and nobody claimed him , ' cause they 're not very kind to their dogs . And so we went out one day , and there was old Skunk , layin ' under a tree , dead . And that just broke our hearts , even though he wasn 't really our dog . But then Cle - Cha was with us at Pinon , Rough Rock , and finally at Cliff Dwellers . Of course Bill was a pilot , you know , and we had a plane , so he could get in and out of there easily and go visit Judy in Gallup . Greene : Bill always put in his own airfields . He 'd drag it and drag it and so on . Anyway , we finally had to give Clay to Ruth and Vern over at Cliff Dwellers , he was over there . Greene : Yes , Ruth is Bill 's sister , and they were running Cliff Dwellers in about 1957 . And of course at that time we were starting Canyon Tours and Greenehaven . We had really no way to take care of Cle - Cha . Reiff : Oh , I didn 't know that . And then you said that Clay went over to Cliff Dwellers . And I 'm not sure , for the people who are listening , if we made the transition from Pinon , or from Marble Canyon , actually , how long were the Greenes at Marble Canyon ? Greene : Yes , the family bought that property up there . Bill and I were at Pinon at this time . Bill 's mother died in ' 57 , so without it being written down , it 's hard to remember those dates , but as I recall they were building new Cliff Dweller 's in 1950 and were using old Cliff Dweller 's as their home and base of operations until the new one was completed . Greene : And she would just have all that good food . And of course the stove was very hard - - it was just a wooden stove . And she baked her own bread , made her own buns for the hamburgers . Greene : Bill and I were on the reservation , so we did not live there , but he was over there a lot , because he 'd fly supplies over there to them . See , Grace had married Mel Schoppman and moved to Kanab , so she wasn 't there . So it was Ruth and Vern and Irene and Earl and Mom and Dad , during that period . But of course we were there an awful lot , but we just didn 't live there , because we were making a living on the Reservation at that time . Greene : The Cliff Dwellers Restaurant ? They started it pretty much right after they bought it from Jack Church from Kanab . His dad had purchased it from the Russells . Greene : Yes . Dennis Hopper is a Hollywood actor and he 's very well - known . He usually plays weird parts , but he 's a very good actor . Greene : He was one of them , yes . It was the Fonda boy and him - - or , man . And he also has made movies over at Cliff Dwellers . Greene : And Brooke Shields was with him in the movie made at Cliff Dwellers . But anyway , Dennis Hopper had moved to Santa Fe , New Mexico , and I think he still has a home there . But at that time , he was kind of out of favor in Hollywood because he had a problem with drugs , and it was a well - known problem , so I don 't mean to be telling anything I 'm not supposed to . He loved this country over here , so he bought forty acres from us over there . And he was going to build a place . He wanted to be away from the world , and all his friends were the same type friends , so they bought over there too - - ____ quite a few of them . And among them was a fellow named Ed Abbey . Have you heard of him ? Greene : He was the first one to buy forty acres , before Dennis Hopper . In fact , he finally ended up with eighty acres , before he died . So anyway , Dennis Hopper wanted us to come over so that he could buy forty more acres . This event occurred around 1976 . He wanted to walk it and look at it and be sure what he wanted and everything . So we went over and he had his little girlfriend with him , so she and I kind of visited while he and Bill tramped the ground and everything . And he was making his decision , but the whole time he was doing this , he and Bill were really drinking . He , in addition , had had some kind of drug , you know . So he was getting extremely loaded . When we got back to the restaurant , the Cliff Dwellers Restaurant , he didn 't last very long , he passed out in there . And this little girl was such a young girl , and she was from Santa Fe too , and she made jewelry , designed jewelry . Sweet little girl , but she was helpless , and he was laying there passed out . So we decided that we had to come home , because we had a fifty - mile drive and it was in the winter , and very cold . Greene : No , we drove a big Suburban , a great big Suburban . I had never driven it , because it was so big . All we could do was tell the little girl to tell Dennis to call us over at Greenehaven and get back in touch with us over at Lake Powell about the land . But as we walked out of the restaurant , walking down the steps , ( Bill himself had put these in , and it was a stone front porch , and then there were three stone round steps - - you know , different diameters . And it was slate - like rock , and so a piece of it was loose ) . Bill always wore rubber - soled shoes , and also he 'd had a few drinks . ( laughter ) As he stepped on that piece of broken rock , he fell , and his whole body landed on that one leg , and it was twisted under him . He could not get up to save himself . He tried and tried . And of course I was too small to lift him at all , or try to get him up . So I finally got him a little bit up , and then I went inside and got Chuck DeWitt and his wife , who had bought the place from us in around 1974 . I got them to come out and help me , and I got him in a sitting position , and then Chuck and I put our feet on his behind and she took him by the arms , and I opened the door to the Suburban - - they 're very high , you know - - and we pushed him in . I knew his leg was broken , because it was so - - he never complained about pain , and he was - - actually , tears were coming down his face . And so we got him in that way , but I had never driven that big Suburban . The back window was down , and it 's in the middle of winter and it was very cold . It 's about 10 : 30 , 11 : 00 at night , you know . So I asked Chuck and his wife to call over at Lake Powell , where we had a home there . At that time we had a mobile home down there with Grace and Mel . And I wanted Grace and Mel to meet us when we got here at Lake Powell , Greenehaven , because they could help me get him out of the truck . I could not get him to go to the hospital . I tried and tried all the way over here . And also we were freezing , because I didn 't know how to close that back window , and he couldn 't tell Reiff : Oh , my gosh ! Greene : All down around his ankle there . They put a temporary cast . It was not the kind he needed , because being diabetic , he had to have an old - fashioned cast . So they put this softer cast and told me to get him to Phoenix immediately . So that 's what we did . Meanwhile , Dennis had come over to pay , he was going to come out and talk to Bill . See , he was passed out , he didn 't know about Bill 's leg . ( laughter ) So he started driving over to Greenehaven , and had still been drinking , and he got picked up and put in jail ! ( laughter ) And to top it all off , he had an eagle feather in his hat ! and they got him on that one too . ( laughter ) We have not seen Dennis since . Greene : No . And he will never live over there now , the way he wanted to at that time , because he 's into much bigger . . . . You know , he 's in a big estate now . At that time , he was at a low point in his life , and he wanted to get away from everybody . But in order to make the kind of money he makes , he has to do it in Hollywood . So he 'll never move here , but he loves it . Reiff : I want to ask you , Evelyn : I always knew that Bill was considered the brains , as you said earlier , of the family , good businessman . And it sounds like financially , that you guys were absolutely essential to developing both Cliff Dwellers and Wahweap , is that right ? Can you fill me in on that ? Greene : The rest of the family . That 's what they had as an asset to put in . And we had the cash . And so that was okay , because it became an asset of Canyon Tours . Greene : No , it was owned by the state . It was originally for grazing lease . We purchased the lease from a Navajo . His name was Curly Tso , T - S - O , and he was an old friend . So we purchased all that grazing lease from him , and we did have some cattle to put on it , because Mel was a cattleman , so it was a family deal . This was around 1957 . Greene : Because of Bill 's flying over it to bring supplies over to Cliff Dweller 's all the time . He picked , and he said , " I know it has to be this spot . " You could tell from the air . Greene : ______________ . You know , the rumors had been flying for quite a long time that they were going to put a dam in here . And Bill flew directly from Rough Rock over to Cliff Dwellers , so when he did , he passed all that area , and he 'd make a little whirl around and look it all over real good . And he took Dad up in the air , and they decided that was it , that was where it was going to be . So that 's why they wanted to make sure they got the lease on the land that was there . So Greenehaven was part of that lease too . Greene : Yes , but we didn 't use all of it . This was a section , which was 640 acres , but we could not purchase all of this . Do you want me to finish about the Canyon Tours tours ? Greene : So anyway , that 's how we got the land , was from a Navajo originally . Then it had to be presented to the State Land Department that we were the ones that everybody thought should be able to get the concession . It was very difficult because we had a lot of people fighting us . Greene : A concession is the right with the government . You have a contract with the government to have the exclusive . . . . You supply everything that 's needed at a resort , that they have the land on . And so they have control , they tell you what colors you can put on it and all those different things , but everything on it is yours . Greene : The competition was very strong when we were trying to get it . And one of our biggest , biggest helpers was Barry Goldwater . He was a dear friend of Dad 's - - and Bill too . But he was a tremendous help . Greene : He was a senator . Also , there were quite a few politicians who helped us . But he was the one ____________ , same thing Babbitt is now . Greene : All of them helped us , because they all knew Dad was an old - time river runner , and he knew this area , and it was just kind of a thing that should have been an old - timer that knew what they were talking about , concerning the land . But the people who tried to get it from us were people who had a lot of money , and they would throw up the fact that we were just a family and that we couldn 't really afford to do it , that we were not going to have the money to do it . So we had to go to court and fight the battle . But the land commissioner was a man named Obed Lassen , and he fought for us , and he had the final say . So he would say , to the one trying to get the lease from us , he asked them how long they had lived in Arizona . And the guy got all flustered , and he said , " Well , six weeks . " ( laughs ) Because he knew it , ' cause he found out . And what he did was , just get an apartment in Arizona . He was from Utah . Of course part of the lake 's in Utah , but the concession had to be awarded to an Arizonan . And so it was in Arizona . And so anyway , he just said , " Leave the Greene family alone . They get the concession . " And so we got it . And it was really hard for the river runners as the change essentially stopped their livelihood on the river . It was really something , because Dad 's business would be , at that point , which would have happened to your dad , too , would have been at a standstill . Greene : He got boats with an airplane motor on them , because they were going up the river . They weren 't going over the rapids or anything , from Lee 's Ferry down . They were coming up river to Rainbow Bridge . Greene : Yes , from Lee 's Ferry . But it was very difficult , because it was so noisy with those airplane motors . They had to put plugs in their ears and everything else , to stand it . But then they changed from that and finally got the boats that were compatible with the people , because it wasn 't quite pleasant . And then they had stashed - - or cached , I guess you call it - - gasoline all the way . There was no way to get gas . And of course those motors used a lot of gas . So they cached gasoline all the way up to Rainbow Bridge . Greene : Directly after we went up to - - in fact , he ran some of them when he was at Marble Canyon . So he actually started them when he was there , and that would have been in ' 49 , along in there . He was doing it then . Greene : Well , he had done it before , even before your dad . He had done it when he lived in Telluride . Was it Telluride ? No , he was born in Telluride , but he lived in Aztec , and he started doing it way back then when he was around 18 years old . Greene : Oh , he was born in 1895 , so I guess that would have been about 1913 , something like that . But he just did it once in a while , you know . He was just a young kid trying to get some income started . And then , of course , he lived in Denver meanwhile , after he left Aztec . Then he started again when he moved to Arizona and when he went to Marble Canyon , which was in about 1943 . Well , he went there in 1943 . Greene : Yeah , ' 43 , I think , yes . So he was doing it once in a while then , but he had to have a special boat built by a man called Seth Smith , who was the best boat builder in Phoenix . Seth built all the boats for Dad , to be used on the river trips . Dad wasn 't initially happy about the dam being built but he needed to make a living for his family . And so Dad did not exactly think Lake Powell was going to be liked by everybody . He knew there were going to be people who didn 't like it . But he thought , " It 's going to happen anyway , so go with the flow . " And that 's what we did . Of course the people who love Lake Powell , it 's created such a sensation with people that they love it so much that 's all you hear about in Phoenix . Everybody I talk to wants to know all the details . Reiff : Before you move any further into your Lake Powell experience , I would love - - you mentioned briefly to me off tape about Shine Smith . And I would love to know about some of the local characters who evidently populated Lee 's Ferry and Marble Canyon . Would you do that , Evelyn ? Greene : Shine was a defrocked Presbyterian minister . He came out here as a Presbyterian minister . But he used . . . . People didn 't understand how to get converts with Navajos - - or any other Indians , for that matter , at that time - - because they didn 't understand their culture . And so Shine used his own methods , because he understood them better . So he got converts . He didn 't put down their beliefs , but he just talked to them like a child , and they really listened to him and believed in him , and he had more converts than anybody . But the Church would hear about these different things he 'd have , and the converts and how he 'd get them . Greene : Well , you know , I wasn 't here when he first came out or anything , but he would join in with the Navajos , if they had anything to drink or anything like that . He 'd join in and be in their group and party like that . He would take that opportunity to talk to them about Christianity and about the Lord and everything . And _______ they listened to him like a little child would listen . And other things that he would do , he would , for one thing , he had such a following , people just adored him . He was such a very good . . . . So he had a lot of very wealthy people who backed him - - especially after the church let him go , because he wasn 't doing ethical things , the way they wanted it done ______ . So then all of these people - - and one of them I remember was a man who had a blanket factory , and beautiful , big , wool blankets . Well , the blankets that were not finished - - you know , they 'd have satin fitted around the edge of it , a border , and if they weren 't finished correctly , where they had a defect in the trim , he would save them all up at his factory , and at the end of the year , send them to Shine for the Navajos for their Christmas party . So he had these famous Christmas parties . Greene : Well , he had chosen this area to come to . I 'm not sure how he got to Marble Canyon , but he chose the Navajo Reservation as his field . And so then after the Church no longer was subsidizing him , he was given money by people who lived around here , to keep him going , and had a place to live , and a home and all that stuff . And that 's how he got to stay over there , at Richardson 's or whoever - - they all helped him . They used to help him all the time , including our family . Greene : I don 't really know that . I think it was from Pennsylvania . It was back east , but I have no idea what year because at that time he was an elderly man when I first came here . So it had to have been fifty years before that , that he came . Greene : He lived anyplace he could live . He lived at the folks ' place , he 'd be there three or four months . Then he 'd go down to Richardsons ' and be there for three or four months . Anybody , wherever . I think they kept a place for him there at Richardsons ' that he could always come to . Greene : _______ was the older man , and I really don 't know the names of the rest of them . They 're all gone now . But anyway , those families . And then also there was Gray Mountain , he would stay there some , too . Greene : He had a route , oh absolutely . Just the whole year around , he 'd be here three months , and then two months , and just went around like that . And every Navajo knew of him , and they all - - you know , any of them would be a convert if he was there , because they really loved him . So he had a Christmas party at our place at Pinon one year , and it was the largest one he 'd ever had . Greene : No , a Christmas party to give them things . And that 's why they loved him so , because . . . . I mean , other missionaries never thought about their physical needs . They were thinking about their spiritual needs only . And that was hard for them to understand , because they wanted to be comfortable first , in just the basic things . So Shine , with all of these friends all over the world sending him things all year round , by the time Christmas came . . . . And he stored them at Cameron in a storage place there . So this is the largest one he had ever had . We had almost 4 , 000 Navajos . Greene : It took us - - Irene and I sorted the clothes , and Bill built bins in the stockroom , and we had these bins . We would put women 's coats , women 's loafers , men 's coats , men 's shoes , or whatever . And we had them all bins . And children 's bins . All separate . It took us three weeks to prepare for it . And we worked hard , because we had to do it at night after we closed the store . So anyway , we had all those clothes done , but what we did then , we hired this really very good chef , that Harry Goulding had at Monument Valley , to come over . You know , in a trading post you always had those big zinc bathtubs - - I think they 're zinc . Greene : That 's what we cooked beans in , and stew . They had never been used , they were new . He made stew and beans . The fry bread , I had outdoor things that he just built , because he had cooked out a lot over at Monument Valley , so he knew how to do that . We had quite a few helpers from the school there , that helped us . Greene : The party took place at Rough Rock . See , after we left Pinon in 1951 , what happened was , Clarence Wheeler came to Pinon . He came and he had heard about us , because if a Navajo liked a trader , everything 's great , and all Navajos will hear about him . But if they don 't like him , he might as well leave the reservation because you 're not going to do any good with any of them . And so he had heard about us . And we were just in our twenties , you know , so that was pretty young for a trading post . And so he came over and asked us if we would go with him to Rough Rock , and we would be partners . Greene : That was in , let 's see , 1950 , I believe . No , I think it was ' 51 , because we 'd been at Pinon , and we 'd been at Oraibi . And so most of our time out there was spent at Rough Rock , because his offer was so much better than what we had had with Roman . Greene : No , not with him . None . Very unfair , because . . . . But anyway , he quite often would make a comment that so many of his people that worked for him stole from him . Of course that really didn 't make Bill happy , or me either , because Bill said , " We don 't steal , so we would like to make a good living . " He hadn 't gotten around - - so see he was about to go bankrupt , but we didn 't know that . Of course that had nothing to do with us . He had gone into the car selling business in Winslow , and he knew nothing whatsoever about cars , and that 's what got him in trouble . But anyway , so this man [ i . e . , Clarence Wheeler ] comes in and offers us the moon to us , and a partnership . Greene : And we had nothing to spend it on except sending Judy to school in Gallup , because we couldn 't ever leave the reservation . How much are you going to spend on the reservation ? So that 's how we saved so much money , to be able to start Canyon Tours . We did even better than that after the first year , because the more money he made , the more bonus we got . And I was a railroad retirement agent - - also that brought in more money , because all of the signers . And I had 144 , and I was the only woman on the reservation at that time that did that . The signers would go out and get drunk every Thursday . Greene : Well , the railroad pays an agent to sign Indians , and I suppose other communities that have very little work - - they let them sign for unemployment when they 're not working on the railroad . They do labor on the railroads , you know . They lay ties and do repairs , railways and things like that . Of course the Navajos have no way to make money way out on the reservation like that at all , except that . So they would sign up for unemployment . Then I would fill out their forms and send it in for them , and the checks came to the store . So they would pick up the checks at the store . And of course what they bought - - their clothes , everything is purchased at a trading post , because that 's where they lived . And so it 's a very good thing to have in your trading post . Greene : Brings trade in that you couldn 't get otherwise , because the young ones don 't have anyplace to work . However , they did - - see the uranium was found at that time . We also had uranium , but it was on the Navajo Reservation where Bill would find the uranium , so we couldn 't do anything about it except we could own it if we owned it with the Navajos . So we had several Navajos that had places . That didn 't amount to much , but we found uranium over by Marble Canyon area , or Cliff Dwellers area , and we did sell one of those mines over there , so that helped some . That was after they and we were already in Canyon Tours . Greene : The rest of the family , yes . And we put the cash in . And Bill also had a lot of associates who 'd been in real estate in Phoenix . Bill was the original builder of Deer Valley Airport in Phoenix . So he knew a lot of places to borrow money or whatever . And the family didn 't have that advantage - - the rest of the family - - because they didn 't live [ in Phoenix ( Tr . ) ] , or weren 't in that kind of business . So that made us as necessary as anybody was to the family enterprise . And it was definitely a family enterprise . Reiff : I want to pick up that thread . I don 't think people know that there were huge - - that trading posts sponsored parties , because I did that when I was at Marble Canyon . So can you tell me about the 4 , 000 Navajos ? Greene : Oh , wagons . There were some trucks then , but what they 'd do , the family might have one person with a truck . ( phone rings , tape turned off and on ) . . . family , that one of the young men might have a truck , and usually they had a big long - bed truck , because then everybody could get in the back of that truck and come to the trading post - - and in this case to the party that we were talking about . And if they couldn 't all get in there , then they came in wagons . So I 'd say 80 percent were in wagons , and the other 20 percent had trucks . Nobody had a car . A car was foolish out there . That 's the way they got here . And they came from all over . They came from Black Mountain and Navajo Mountain , and anyplace that heard about this Christmas party . I may have a picture at home , I don 't know . And Judy made copies of a lot of those . So maybe we 'll try to get pictures . But we 're all lined up , and we have all of these tubs full of stew and beans , and then we had , of course , frybread by the ton . And the school helped with the frybread - - the boarding school across the street from the trading post . And then we had fruit and Christmas candy and things like that for the kids . So they lined up . Four thousand Navajos lined up , and they let the children and the women first , and then the men . So we had to stand there and try to help them find the clothes they needed , etc . , but we sort of let them pick it out . Greene : Tuxedos ! And it was friends of Shine 's , and they just kept sending them every year . And we had a friend finally that had tuxedos , and by golly , if he didn 't send them to us , and then we had to get them out to people in need . But not recently . So we just gave them to somebody in Page , and they took them out on the reservation , I 'm not sure where . But anyway , tuxedos and a Navajo . And they loved them . They just loved them . Greene : Oh , those young men would pick out the tuxedos . We laid out a choice of clothes , you know . And there were a few fur coats , and oh , they went fast . ( laughs ) And there were high heels , ankle strap shoes . ( laughs ) Stuff that was of no use out there , but it was from all over the country . People had no idea who was going to get them , you know . And so it was fun . It was just a really wonderful time . Greene : Well , it just lasted the one day , once we got it started . What we did , we had - - oh , some of them played a few games and things like that , you know . But it took so long to run them through . And after they got all their clothes , then they had to come back and get all their food . And so it took all day to do that . But then that was the happiest day for them . Oh , they were just . . . . And it just gave you a really great feeling , because they were really pleased . And this was all Shine Smith , so no wonder he was so well - known , you know . And they all wanted to follow his lead and become Christians . So that 's how he got his converts . And it was a good plan , because you have to , when you 're dealing with people who have a different culture from yours - - and that was very different - - you have to make allowances and not go by the strict rules that you follow in New York City . And he knew that , so he was successful with them . He had more converts than all the rest of them put together . Greene : A Mormon family , yes . That Johnson man had the best watermelons in the world down there . You 'd go down to visit him , and he 'd just go out in the field and get a watermelon and bring it in and break it , and you 'd have big chunks of watermelon , that 's what you had . Greene : It was some kind of a war surplus vehicle . It took a long time - - I would say , well , it took at least two hours to get down there . And that 's not very far , you know . Greene : About seven , but you had to go very , very slow . But of course all along the way were those balanced rocks , and you were looking at such beauty that it didn 't matter if it took that long . We made a day of it , and went down to Johnsons ' and had watermelon . It was a wonderful day , you know . Greene : I believe it 's Myers - - it starts with an " M . " Moyers or Myers , I 'm not sure which - - maybe Moyers . But you know there 's a spec house here at Greenehaven . They just bought that . The mother must be almost a hundred . Greene : Because she was friends with Bill 's mom and dad , and Dad was born in 1895 . He 'd be . . . . Let 's see , five years added onto a hundred , he 'd be a hundred and six years old , wouldn 't he ? Reiff : And they didn 't do any tourism . Now , Vermillion Cliffs is five miles from Marble Canyon toward Cliff Dwellers , and they had no tourism stuff going on , did they ? They were just traders at that point , do you know ? Greene : Well , you know , there was no place for people to go to the bathroom traveling through , and so quite often they 'd stop there , because it was kind of - - it had a few things for sale and all that . But he didn 't have a bathroom for the public . So this one guy stopped there , and just decided - - he didn 't think anybody was there , so he just decided to go out in the yard , you know , and Buck caught him , and he almost killed him ! ( laughs ) Greene : Don 't tell Betty , though , she doesn 't know it . But he really did really hurt the guy , but the poor guy didn 't really know , and out in the tules like that . You wouldn 't do that in town , I suppose - - most people wouldn 't . But Buck wanted privacy . They were a lot of fun , because one time Bill and I went with Dad and Mom and Betty , the girl Betty . Greene : Yes . We went with them , and they had , I think it was young Betty who was alone . One of the girls lived alone . And Bill and I had never been to Mexico , deep sea fishing or anything , at that point . So we all went together . We had a ball ! We really had a good time . Both Betty and Buck were a lot of fun . And Dad knew the man that had the Cavern , I believe , or the Cave down there , the restaurant . Greene : In Mexico , yes . This was at Rocky Point , Puerto Penasco . Just this side of it is this big famous restaurant there , and it 's in a cave . It 's always real cool in there , underground . Really underground , if you have claustrophobia . But Dad knew that man that owns it . So we would get there , and oh gosh , we just had a wonderful time . I think , I 'm sure I have a picture of that , if you 're interested in it . The food was excellent , but it was stuff like turtle soup , stuff you don 't get normally here , you know . But it was very , very good . So anyway , that was my only time to go anyplace with them , but they were great . I liked Betty . One of the boys was married to a lady that has a beauty shop up here . Bill and I used to own that building where the beauty shop was . I don 't know who owns it now . I can 't describe it to you . Where the movie theater is . Greene : Earl is the one with the collection . Oh , man ! But see , he and Irene were there all the time , and Bill and I weren 't . We were working out on the reservation , so we didn 't get to do it . But see , we did it mostly on our own property . Greene : Oh , it was just wonderful . If you had a big wind , then the next day you 'd go . No matter how many times you 'd been in that spot , there would always be more arrowheads , because the wind would blow . You know , the sand blows tons of it away when the wind blows hard . So the best arrowhead hunter in the family was Irene . She was excellent , but Bill wasn 't far behind her . And they were quite competitive . And of course Earl got better and better . And Earl made the displays . He loved to do that . And so we had some really good arrowheads . And the only one that didn 't come from there is this one that I 'm going to show you here . That 's the only one that didn 't come from that area . And that was given to Dad from an Indian - - oh , what do you call it ? Not a shaman , but a medicine man , in Oregon , I believe it was . The color is completely different from anything here . Reiff : It is . When you were on the phone , I went over and looked , and I thought , " No , that 's not from around here . " It 's a very deep cranberry color . Greene : So that 's the thing that I remembered most when I was over there . Now , you were here . . . . In talking to Betty Jo , you will probably hear more about - - because she was a little girl who lived there all the time , you know , at that time . So she probably has stories about Marble Canyon and Cliff Dwellers that I am not cognizant of . Greene : Oh ! I think it 's the most wonderful country in this world . I love it up here . I just can 't imagine anything more beautiful . We had a man from Paris , who 's a very well - known man there . He has a television show , and he is an author . He bought two big lots . . . . ( phone rings ) Greene : This gentleman bought two lots in the estate part that had the largest and the best lots . And he made the comment , he has homes in Monte Carlo and he has a home , of course , in Paris , and he has a home in , I believe it 's the Italian Riviera , and New York . And he said he has been all over the world , and never , ever has he seen such beauty as we have here . He said , " You people don 't realize , because you live here , the beauty of this country . " And I said , " I realize the beauty of this country . I think it is spectacular " And so did Bill . We just felt like - - actually , we felt like we were a part of it , a part of the country . That 's what makes it difficult now , because he 's no longer a part of the country , but I know he 's looking after it , to see that it 's okay . ( chuckles ) When it 's a beautiful day like it is today , there 's just nothing in the world so beautiful as this . Do you agree ? Okay . And so , now what ? Greene : Well , probably maybe the most interesting one , because it was the most unusual one , we had a friend who had been the ambassador to Great Britain , and his name was Douglas , Louis Douglas - - Lou Douglas they called him . He had a patch over his eye . He 's famous for it , his pictures . He always had a black patch because he had accidentally - - he loved to fish - - and the fishing [ lure ? ] got caught in his eye , so he was blind in that eye . But he was a very striking - looking man , and he was a dear friend of ours . In fact , he was such a good friend that he wanted to become a part of our program up here at the lake , because he loved it so . But of course it was a family thing . But meanwhile , he called us in Phoenix and he said . . . . He had been in the Court of St . James and he was the ambassador , so he had lived there many years , and in living there , right by the queen and everything , his daughter was raised with Princess Margaret . So they were pals together when they were kids . So Princess Margaret was coming over to visit Sharmyn and the Douglases . The Douglases were , ( his dad was the one Douglas , Arizona , is named after ) , living in Douglas , Arizona . And as you know , Douglas is a very small community , and not much to entertain a princess , and her husband at that time was Lord Snowden . And they had a big entourage - - big . Greene : Forty people , at least forty . Because all of their Scotland Yard people were with them , and a lot of other movie people that I 'll tell you about , that we happened to know , so that made it nice . But anyway , he said , " Can you and Bill help me out ? Can you entertain them for three days , and be host and hostess to them , and we 'll come up to Lake Powell ? There 's no place I 'd rather take them than Lake Powell . " And so we said , " Absolutely . " So he was the host , he was their host , and we were their hosts while they were here . So we agreed to that , and so he gave me a little instruction about what to do . And he said , " Now Evelyn , wear something very bright , because she always does . Wear gloves when you meet her . " And he taught me how to curtsy , or his wife did . So I did the whole bit . I got a watermelon pink knit suit , and I had white gloves . And this was in November . Greene : It was ' 64 , I believe . And so I had the white gloves and did the whole thing . So they had this big plane that was coming in , and it was a twin engine , it wasn 't any small plane . And there were about forty people . But as I said , it was several movie actors , and among them was Roddy McDowell , who was a friend of Lord Snowden 's . He was from England too . And Roddy McDowell we had known when he made the movie here , " The Greatest Story Ever Told . " We had already met him , so that made it nice . And then another one who also had made a movie here was an old - time actress named Dorothy McGuire . She was a lovely person . And her husband , his name was John Quinn or something like that . I 'll think of it in a minute . Then there was another young lady from England originally , named Hope Lange , and her husband , who was gorgeous . ( laughter ) He was so good looking ! And Hope was cute , too , just cute as a button . Then there were quite a few others , but they were not people that maybe you 'd know about . Then of course there was all of the Douglas family . The rest of them were more or less to protect her . She had so many you would not believe it . So we didn 't have the big lodge yet . All we had was Lake Powell Motel . Greene : It was there , it was on the highway as you go in . Now it 's used just for overflow , or for people who don 't want to be in a big place or whatever . But at that time , see , we had a service station , and we had a restaurant , and everything there , because we didn 't have another one at that time . Greene : Oh no , not at that point . Let 's see , ' 64 . . . . We did have the boat tours started , but it wasn 't on a very large scale yet . Grace , at that point , working at the family Trailer park . And Ruth was over at Cliff Dweller 's . We had the fellow from Kanab , Whit Perry . You know Perry 's Lodge ? We had Whit Perry at Lake Powell Motel Restaurant . And he was the first manager we had . And Ken , his nephew , Ken that has Ken 's " Old West " . He was the bus boy - - he and another friend . He wore a little red top . Oh , he was so cute , both of them . And so those two boys came down from Kanab , and they worked over there . But what we did was , we had turned the public away for those three days and four nights . So the whole place was taken over by the Royal Entourage . And the FBI was there , the local authorities out of Flagstaff , the sheriff . We had so much police coverage , you just couldn 't imagine . I didn 't dream she had to be that protected . But anyway , when she got here , I did my whole bit . I did the curtsy , and you 're supposed to say , " Your Royal Highness , " the first thing you say to her , and curtsy . So I did that . And Bill did his thing just right . But Dad , you know Dad called everybody ma ' am , so he said , " Howdy , ma ' am , " and she just loved it . She loved it . Coming from him , he can get by with anything . And after you call her Your Royal Highness the first time , then you do call her ma ' am . She has to be called ma ' am . I hate to be called ma ' am . But in England , royalty is called ma ' am . Her husband , Lord Snowden , even calls her ma ' am . Greene : And you 're supposed to walk - Lord Snowden even walks three steps behind her at all times . So anyway , it 's kind of silly to us , you know , but that 's the way it was . So anyway , when she got here , oh , there were photographers , television , there was everything . And they were all watching when she got out . And here I had my watermelon suit and all , just as bright as could be . And she had on a beige coat , beige shoes , a beige dress , not one bit of color did she have on . So they got us mixed up . We looked exactly alike . Greene : Yeah . And so they got us mixed up . And what she did was borrow my clothes , because she had no rough clothes , and I had boots and I had a raincoat that had a fake , probably a rabbit fur on it , that you could remove . And she liked that , so she wore that . And all of this was in the paper , headlines in The New York Times . Greene : And The Washington Post , and everything , because we had no control over what the employees and other people were telling them . And so anyway , that was the headline in the Phoenix paper , about the clothes she was wearing of mine . But I thought that was fun to have that in there . I had a lot of pictures of those that I can show you . And you can see we 're in the same line , and he 's in between us . Greene : So there were some stories that were told that hurt me because there was nothing said against us , but there were things said against her taking advantage of these poor people out there - - you know , way out in the tules . And she isn 't paying them anything , and it 's costing them a fortune . That was all a lie , because Lou Douglas paid for everything . And besides , it was the best publicity , and Lake Powell had just started , and nobody knew about Lake Powell much . So between movies and her , and people like that coming here , is the way we got people to hear about Lake Powell , because they would instantly hear about it , or read about it in the paper . " Where 's Lake Powell ? We 'll have to go there ! " And so it was probably a million dollars worth of publicity . But it wasn 't all good . Some of it was , like this was really in Timbuktu Land and stuff like that . Greene : It really was . ( laughter ) Well , then The New York Times came out with a story that she had not paid her bill , and she was really taking advantage , and she thought she was so uppity and all that kind of stuff , you know . And I cried , because I 'd never had - - I didn 't realize that newspapers ever had lies in them . ( laughs ) And so Lou Douglas said , " Evelyn , you 're just getting started , and you 're going to have a lot of publicity . You 've gotta get thick skinned right now because I 'm going to send a telegram to my friend , " whoever owned The New York Times , because he knew him real well , and he said , " I 'm going to ask him for a retraction . " It was a lady named Maxine Cheshire that wrote it . Greene : Her husband was a writer also . And she 's an excellent writer . And you know , he said she was too good a writer , and he would not retract the statement . He said , " She has never made a statement yet that we 've had to retract , " and that was that . And it wasn 't anything that big , but it just hurt my feelings , because I didn 't want her to go away feeling that we had said that , because we hadn 't . And of course it didn 't say that we said it - - it just said that she had done that to us . And so anyway , she bought a pair of boots just like mine over in Page , and everybody was thrilled about that . All kinds of things . She had two children , a boy and a girl , and she bought things here to take back to them . Also , their favorite thing to do was - - see , everybody handed them flowers every time they saw them . So the wife of the governor of Utah came down . I think it was the lieutenant governor . Anyway , this lady had a big bunch of flowers , and she presented them to Princess Margaret . And this was a nice thing , and Princess Margaret was very sweet about this encounter . A little Navajo girl - - you remember Dora Knight ? Greene : Dora and Royce , her husband . It was the airport they owned where the royal family landed . So Dora and Royce were there , and Dora had this darling little Navajo girl , all dressed in Navajo clothes , and with a chonga . Greene : Yes . With kind of a figure eight in the back , sort of . And she had a purple velvet outfit on . And she had this beautiful bouquet of roses . And she was very , very sweet to that little girl . And that was the first flowers she received . But every time she stepped out , somebody gave her a big bouquet . So what they did for fun at the parties was - - it was kind of like this game where you act out . What do you call it ? Greene : Charades - - it was like charades . And they would just howl and laugh , and think that was so funny . So what she did was , they would pretend - - and especially Hope Lange - - pretend to be giving her flowers . And they picked up these old weeds out in the yard , you know , and they were just a bunch of old weeds and straggly - lookin ' flowers . And Hope had this bunch of stuff in her hand , and she handed it to Princess Margaret , and then she 'd get down lower and lower and lower , ' til she 's clear down on the ground . And they played that game and laughed , but you know , I don 't think it was very nice , because these people sincerely wanted to give her the flowers and everything . So anyway , we laughed along with them because we had to . I had some beautiful music picked out for dinner music to play . We just had a stereo to play while we had dinner , only the main ones were there . I thought it was just gorgeous music . It was romantic tunes and slow and stuff . And she asked if it would be okay if she put her own records on . And I said , " Sure ! " And it was the Beatles ! That 's all she had was the Beatles . Oh ! They were really popular then . And of course that was what she loved . She was really charming , but she was , I guess , a wild child as far as they were concerned . She didn 't want to follow the rules . And I could understand that , because they were absolutely silly , some of them - - you know , some of the rules . So then what happened was , we took them up the lake the next day and we went on a picnic . And of course there was probably a hundred boats following us , and they were all police of some kind - - either FBI or hers were the closest . And four guys stayed right on the boat with us . And of course then the television showed me as her , because I was on the back of the boat with Hope Lange and those others , talking to them , and she got inside and stayed in the cabin part . Greene : I guess it gave her a break . And so I had a whole bunch of television coverage ! ( laughter ) It was really funny . But anyway , we got up there , and my brother - in - law , Earl Johnson . . . . Yeah , he 's a sweetheart . He was the boat pilot . Well , when we got up there , though , her husband wanted to slalom ski . So we had to locate a single ski . We got everything all prepared , and we had this wonderful picnic . And of course we all had to go to the bathroom behind a rock , because there wasn 't anything then , at all . So when she would go to the bathroom behind a rock , all four of those men would go with her , and stand around the rock , while she went to the bathroom . Greene : She paid no more attention to them than if they were a piece of rock standing there . She had been born to that , and never knew any different . So she just ignored them as if they weren 't even human . And that 's the only way you could do it , I guess . Greene : So anyway , then we all came back to the picnic area , and he was going to go skiing . Earl was going to be the pilot , and Bill was going to be the lookout . So the three of them walked down to the water , we 're up on a hill . Anyway , it was Dorothy McGuire 's husband , John , asked me where the can opener was , because he wanted to open something . And the last time I had seen it , Earl had had it . So they 're all down below . I yelled down there , and I said , " Earl ! " He didn 't hear me . So I said it louder , " Earl ! " And they all looked at me in utter shock - - all of them . And Earl said , " What ? " And I said , " What did you do with the can opener ? " ( chuckles ) And when he answered me and said , " What ? " they all said , " Oh ! " And Sharmyn said , " Ma ' am , you know Mrs . Greene wouldn 't do that . " And she said , " Oh , I know it . " But Earl is a very bad thing to call him , because he 's the Earl of Snowden . It 's like saying , " Hey , Guv ! " to the governor . Greene : They thought I was addressing him ! I yelled " Earl , " because Earl is not a given name in England . They thought I was calling out to Lord Snowden . Greene : It 's a title . And I had not the slightest idea of that , because his name 's ( my brother - in - law ) Earl , so I call him Earl . So that was headlines in all of the papers . Serious ! Oh ! I didn 't like that one too well , but they did it , and made it sound funny . So it didn 't make me look too stupid . But we had some very unusual things happen while she was here . They liked us real well , so they invited us to - - they gave us their home address and they invited us to come over . We did go , but by the time we went over , they were divorced . We only got to make one trip to England . We went on a trip around the world after we sold Wahweap because we had never been on a trip , and we 'd been taking care of tourists for so many years . So we decided we deserved a trip , too . Greene : We started in England , we did go see the changing of the guard and things like that , but we didn 't try to make any contacts , because she , by that time , was on some island , and really getting bad publicity . I don 't know if he ever married . I think he married again . But their two children are grown and married now . She 's had lung cancer . Greene : But anyway . . . . Life hands us some funny things sometimes . But she smoked constantly too , so that 's probably what led to the cancer . I 'm talking about three or four packs a day , constantly . She had one of those holders , you know , and she always had a cigarette . So those things didn 't help her health any . But it was an exciting time . So the Park Service took hundreds of pictures , and I have some of those pictures . Greene : Harry 's been in Page almost as long as we have . And he was with the Bureau of Land Management , and he was their PR man . So every important person that came in , that had anything to do with the Bureau , or the government , he had to take care of them , and see that they got . . . . And so of course he relied on me to see that they got a room at the lodge . Greene : Oh , I 've met many more , but I 'm not sure that I remember exactly any that Harry brought particularly . My very favorite of all of the people that we had , my favorite guest . . . . And talking about friends , then I 'll tell you that . But this is my favorite guest . He 's a writer , a very famous writer , and I have books that he gave me and everything , and I can 't even think of his name . Greene : Oh , very , very , very much so . And his son was the lieutenant governor of Alaska . His name also was Lowell Thomas , Jr . But Lowell Thomas to me was the epitome of someone you just dream about meeting . And I just loved him . And he was so dear to me . And his wife was with him , and she had Alzheimer 's . And they had a nurse with her . But he took her on a skiing trip to Utah . He took her every place he went . And I thought that was so dear for him to do that , rather than leave her at home , even though she really didn 't even know what her surroundings were , or anything much . We had dinner together every night . Bill was busy with some other thing , and so I had dinner with them by myself . So it was just Lowell Thomas , his wife , and her nurse . And we would have dinner , and she would sit there with a sweet smile on her face , and not say one word the whole time . But you 'd look at her and couldn 't help but smile , she looked so sweet . And he was so kind to her . And he would order for her , and pat her hand . It was just the dearest thing to me . So he stayed , we comped him [ i . e . , gave him complimentary accommodations ] . He didn 't know this was coming , and he was so pleased with that . And he was so used to it , I 'm sure , but he seemed as pleased as a little child almost . So he went back to New York , he was from Pohawk , I believe it is , New York , because I have a letter and books and things that he sent . He gave us a million dollars ' worth of publicity on his radio show . He told how wonderful Lake Powell is , and how great Wahweap Lodge is , and the people , and the trip to Rainbow Bridge , and all that stuff , you know . So it was worth it to have him stay there . And then the most outstanding friend and guest that we had was this one . Greene : Well , we knew her in Phoenix , and she married a Phoenix man . They had a boat up here all that time . And they did " Gunsmoke " up here quite a few times . I became - - well , Bill and I became very friendly with John Mantley who was the producer of that show - - one of my very favorite people . And so I had dinner with him a lot , because Bill was entertaining somebody else . So John and I had dinner alone a lot . And so one night I said , " Why did Amanda Blake quit after twenty - two years on that show ? " And he said , " She didn 't quit , I fired her . " I said , " You fired her ? ! You fired Miss Kitty ? ! How could you do that ? ! " And he said , " Because she got too fat . " And boy , I don 't know what I had ordered , but I nibbled on a piece of lettuce for the rest of the night . ( laughter ) He had told me earlier that her coloring was so beautiful that that 's why she looked so wonderful on there . Her coloring was just perfect , you know . They did have a boat up here , and she had taken Frank Griffin , I believe , and he was from Scottsdale . He was a wealthy cattleman . So she and Frank did come up quite often . We had a place that we like real well , that we used to exchange employees with . It 's called El Charro . Have you ever been there ? Greene : And it 's not a Mexican food place . It sounds like it , but it 's the oldest and the best - loved place in Scottsdale for the snowbirds . They love it , and it 's El Charro . The owners ' names are Joe and Evy Miller . Of course I 'm Evy too - - most people call me Evy . So we are close friends of theirs , and that 's where Frank and Amanda Blake ate all the time too , because they lived close to there . And so we 'd see them quite often , and I must admit she was wearing muumuus all the time . She had gained quite a bit of weight . But at his ranch she had made , I guess you 'd call it a menagerie , almost like a zoo . She loved wild animals , and she had special permission , but she had like tigers and wild animals . Greene : Exotic . And she loved them , and that was her big love in life . So that 's what she did when she was married to Frank , and looked after these animals . If any were hurt or anything , she 'd take them in . So she had a wonderful heart . But she divorced Frank and she had cancer - - she had mouth cancer . And they did surgery , and it sort of made her face look different , so she never tried to make a movie anymore then . After she had divorced Frank and she had this surgery , she married a very wealthy man from Texas . He was extremely wealthy , but he had AIDS . And that 's when nobody knew what AIDS was . So it was so sad . But that 's how she died , of AIDS . She married this guy and hadn 't been married very long and he died first . And that 's when she found out what he had . So it was sad . And Frank 's still around . Greene : Yeah , Doc . Oh , he was a dear friend . His wife 's name was Jane , and she became a close friend , but she was not into fishing . I mean , he was an avid fisherman , so he was up here all the time - - not just to make " Gunsmoke " or anything like that - - just came to fish . However , they did make " Gunsmoke " up here about , oh , two or three segments of it . James Arness was nice , but not real friendly like all the rest of them . Ken Curtis had a brother here in town , and so he came pretty often too . Comments Post a Comment for Oral history interview with Evelyn Greene , 2001 . |
Damn it , I really should have seen it coming . You know with a bit of foresight it should have been obvious to me , like two trains racing towards each other on the same track . But maybe I wasn 't looking hard enough ; well , at least I wasn 't thinking things out that well . And later , I suppose , I could use the excuse that one train was hiding in a tunnel . Okay , enough of the bleeding metaphors ; let 's get down to brass tacks . All through my school life they must have been there . Well , they were there but you kinda didn 't notice that there was two of them . Them - that 's it ! They weren 't two people really ; they were a single entity . Mercedes Clough and Porticia Rowan ; two girls , one personality . As I remember , all through school they were referred to as ' the twins ' . They dressed alike and spoke alike . Their hair was styled the same . Shit , they were like a pair of twins , except for the fact , they were not related too each other . A misnomer I know , but they might as well have been joined at the hip from birth , for all anyone could tell . The only problem there was , that they only double dated . If a guy fancied one of them and wanted to ask her out on a date . . . Well , he not only had to get her attention ; he had to find a suitable date for the other one . I must admit I liked the look of both of them ; but I never did get to know either of them well . I couldn 't be bothered to play the silly double date game . Shit , a guy would be running around for weeks trying to find the suitable candidate that the girls would find acceptable to make up the foursome . I learnt at a young age that the twins could be bloody choosy when they wanted to be , and from what I heard the girls wanted to be most all of the time . It was probably all a big game to them . Cor ' London ' , the big city and bright lights ! Like hell ! We lived in the suburbs and most of my Uncle Harry 's - - and consequently my - - work was out in the suburbs as well . I had one day and one evening a week at a technical college ; also in the suburbs . Add to that , Uncle Harry was a bleeding workaholic anyway . Hold on . . . a slight correction there . My Uncle Harry was under the impression that I was a bleeding workaholic . He always had little jobs laid on for the weekends . " You missed a day 's work during the week to go to college son ; you can make it up on the weekends , my boy . " So my planned monthly weekend trips home soon became bi - monthly , then tri - monthly . You get the idea ; I got home three times the first year , and besides Christmas , once the second year . By the end of the third year even the family dog , had started growling at the stranger , when I walked in the door of my parents ' home . And there was a bloody lodger sleeping in my room . I had to share my little brother 's room . Eventually - - apprenticeship finally over - - I decided I 'd had enough of the big city . . . and working for Uncle Harry . I really don 't think he was too pleased when I took my leave . But I thought " Bollocks to the bugger ; the old sod had got his money 's - worth out of me ! " Work wasn 't a problem either ; I had my papers , and I was soon on the books of one of the local building contractors . The work was hard , but at least the money was spectacular after what Uncle Harry had been paying me . Builders who really knew what they were doing , were not exactly rare , but were a bit thin on the ground around our way , back then . Well , young ones were . Before I realised what was happening , I was working on a site of about fifty new houses . Once that site was finished , I was offered job by a smaller builder , on a barn conversion . It was a small job , only about six of us on the site and the owner was around most days . Later that day I was called into the little shed we were using as a site office . There I found the Boss , the owner of the house and the architect . After some strong words were exchanged between the architect and the owner , my changes were added to the plan . It was on the day we handed the newly converted house over , that the architect came over to me . " Son , you 're in the wrong business . You should have been a bloody architect or a ruddy designer at least . You 've got an eye for design . " A couple of weeks later I signed up on a part time college course , learning to be an architect . I still worked on the building sites to earn the money to support my studies , but I was heading into the design side of the business . Well , I thought I was . It was in the college library that I first saw her . I 'd just sat down at one of the large tables , to look up some references in a book , when a young lady the other side of the table looked up from the book she was reading and our eyes found each other 's for a brief moment . She gave me a wonderful smile and returned to reading her book . The face was familiar , but I couldn 't place it . I kinda sat there confused and stared at her . Well , she was a very good - looking young woman . Some minutes later she glanced over at me again . I quickly looked down at the book I was studying . Trying to pretend I hadn 't been staring at her . Out of the corner of my eye , I was aware of her getting up from the table and walking around it until she was standing beside me . Embarrassed that she 'd seen me watching her , I didn 't raise my head and pretended to be lost in the book before me . The young lady reached out and , rotating my book through 180 ° , said , " You 'll find it easier to read if it is the right way up , Roger ! " " Porticia 's in the States doing an internship . We 're both supposed to be on a gap year from Uni . We got placements together in the States for the year , but mine blew out on me . " By the time she had to go to her class we 'd made a date for that evening . Well , kind of . . . I was driving her home from college in my van that night . As I was doing some private work on the side , I 'd bought myself an old van to carry all my gear around in . I did wonder what her folks ' thought , when my tatty old van with ladders on the top pulled up outside their upmarket house that evening . Dee and I sat in the van for some time ; chatting about school days and the like . In the end I asked her to go out with me the following evening . It could be that I should have picked up something in her reply ; with hindsight I think I should have . I arrived at her house about seven - thirty that Friday evening . The door was opened by her father , who looked me over like I was something the cat had dragged in . And the expression on his face , when he saw my van parked outside in the road , was something I can 't describe . I was shown into the lounge where Dee 's mother and her younger sister were sitting , to wait until Dee was ready . Dee 's mother was very pleasant and so was her sister ; I remembered Dee 's little sister Estelle from school . To be honest I think I got the old ' swooning looks ' from her . It struck me that Dee 's father didn 't like me . This is not an uncommon attitude for a father to take , so it didn 't surprise me . After all , he was young once , and no doubt knew how most young guys ' minds work . Standard fatherly protective behaviour , if you ask me . When Dee entered the room , my jaw dropped . Remember I 'd known Dee since she was a little kid . The day before I was struck by her pleasant face and nice figure . But there was no way that I was prepared for the woman who walked into the lounge that evening . Was it Bobby Vee who sang " Poetry In Motion " ? Well there it was , standing before me ! I think my heart stopped beating for a moment . Well , I definitely remember that I found that speech was impossible for quite some time . That evening we went to a local nightspot . Nothing flashy , just a pub that had live music and dance floor ( of sorts ) . Although we did dance a few times , Dee and I spent most of the evening Chatting . Don 't , for Christ sake , ask me what we talked about , because I haven 't got the slightest recollection . All I can just tell you is , that whenever we got together back then we were talking most of the time . No matter what the subject we appeared to agree on just about everything . That is except one for one : Porticia . I had no interest in Porticia at all , although I tried to feign interest to keep Dee happy . It was clear to me that she had been missing her almost lifelong friend and companion , and I suppose it was understandable really . Well , that first date and the little kiss I got at the end of it ; led to a second and then a third date following in quick succession . By the end if the month , Mercedes and I had become an item . When we weren 't either at college or working , we were together . Dee joined me in my bed for the first time after we 'd been together for about three months . For some reason she couldn 't use the pill so we had to resort to other means of protection against her becoming pregnant . I 've got to say it kind of took the edge off the moment and spoiled the mood a little . Consequently we didn 't get to actual intercourse very often . We found other ways to satisfy our desires . I knew that Dee was writing to and receiving letters from Tish all the time , but I didn 't know the effect they were having on our relationship . Dee 's sexual . . . , damn , how can I put it ? Dee 's sexual . . . proclivities and what she wanted - - or was willing to try out - - slowly changed over time . I don 't know why it didn 't strike me as strange at the time . Eventually I was to figure that those variations were rooted on the other side of the Atlantic When we first got in bed together in early December , Dee wanted nothing to do with oral sex . But about February time Dee suddenly wanted to try it . For someone who thought giving head was dirty , she soon turned into an enthusiastic sexpert . And where she had refused to let me go down on her , she was then begging me not to stop . It was just after Easter that she suddenly mentioned anal sex . As I said , we rarely had intercourse , but as we were going through the palaver of putting the rubber on one night she asked me if I would like to take her anal cherry . I 'll be honest - I 'd never even thought about it before , but it was apparent Dee had as she had a tube of lubricant in her bag . Right after the anal intercourse incident , Dee started talking about getting engaged . No , that 's silly ; we had both been talking about marriage for some time , but it was around that time we started talking seriously about getting engaged as a precursor to getting hitched . I brought her a ring in late July , and we planned to get married right after she took her finals at university the following summer . Dee 's mother was over the moon at our plans . Her father wasn 't as enthusiastic . I think he thought his daughter could do better than a bloody builder , as I heard him say on more than one occasion when he thought I was out of earshot ; or maybe not . It was early August when Porticia returned from the States . She had her American boyfriend in tow and , I 've got to say , I didn 't like the geezer right from the start . To my mind , he was everything that I didn 't like in Yanks , all rolled into one . He was a brash know - it - all , who was forever bragging about himself and how clever he was . Now , don 't get the idea that I don 't like Americans . I 've got some very good friends from over the water . There was an American air base near our town and I 'd grown up with a lot of American friends . My first proper girlfriend , that I 'd had whilst still at school , had come from Chicago . No , like all nationalities , amongst them are the ones that give all a bad name . George Greenlake was one of those . Whilst he was in the country , he stayed at Porticia 's parents ' house . Of course there was no way that the Rowan 's were going to let him and Porticia share a bed , as they had apparently been doing whilst Porticia was over there in America . Porticia and George had only been in the country a couple of days and I hadn 't met either of them at the time . Then I came home from work one evening to find Dee sitting in the kitchen of my flat ; she 'd had her own key for some time . There were three coffee cups on the table , which I gave a cursory glance , as I took Dee into me arms and kissed her . Then I told her I wouldn 't be a couple minutes changing and then we 'd go out and eat . " Like fuck they are ! " A very apt statement on my part actually . But I 'm one of those people who believe in the old adage ' An Englishman 's home is his Castle ' and in my particular castle the most personal item of furniture is my bleeding bed . This probably goes back to me returning to my parent 's house from Uncle Harry 's , and finding a lodger sleeping in my bed . Dee assured me that they didn 't ask her permission to use my / our bed . We were so close by then that everything was referred to as ours . From the way George and Porticia behaved I 've always believed Dee on that one . They acted as if they were the most important people in the world . Whilst George was in the country - to my dismay - - the four of us hung around together . Although Porticia borrowed her father 's car most of the time , because there were only three seats in the front of my van . Not that Porticia wanted to lower herself to ride in the van anyway . I steadfastly refused to ride in Porticia 's father 's car , because once they were away from her house , George was doing the driving . Dee always rode with me . I 've got to say , that it was with some sick amusement , that I watched George drive out of a pub car park one evening , straight into the front of a bus . Honestly I was sounding my vans horn to warn him , and I think that was why the bus driver managed to bring the bus to a standstill before George slammed into the front of it . So there wasn 't too much damage , to the bus . As I had surmised , George was not insured to drive the car and wasn 't in possession of an international driving licence , although the police appeared happy to accept his American licence . There was some complication over the lack of insurance though . Once Porticia 's father arrived at the scene , I took Dee home . I don 't know what ramifications there were to the incident , but George flew home the following weekend ; whether as scheduled , or not , I have no idea September was upon us before we really knew what was happening . Suddenly my tatty old van took on a new significance . Both Tish and Dee had to get all of their gear to the flat they were sharing at Uni . And just as suddenly , Porticia was quite happy to travel in my old van , once all her junk was stacked in the back , along with Dee 's . It appeared that where her father was concerned , Porticia was top of his " not favourite daughter list ! " Not really surprising after he discovered his brand new Saab , buried in the front of that bus . Consequently he hadn 't volunteered to drive her up . All too soon the girls were gone . Not that I cared a toss about Tish being away again , but I was soon missing Dee . Hey , I wasn 't the only one missing her . In all the time we 'd been going out together , I 'd been invited to Dee 's house for a meal once . And I really think that was only because I needed to ask Dee 's father for her hand in marriage officially . The week after the girls ' left , Dee 's mother called and invited me to Sunday lunch . As I 've said , I appeared to get on just fine with Dee 's mother and her sister who was still following me around like a puppy . Now suddenly Dee 's father started calling me son and even asked me to join him in a round of golf ; not one of my sports . But I could see I was going to have to take it up after Dee and I were married . Got to keep the in - laws happy . Once a month I drove up to spend the weekend with Dee . Although that wasn 't how it usually worked out . Most of the time Tish was with us , and her main topic of conversation was George and how she was going back to the States to marry him when she had her degree . Tish also had the infuriating habit of coming home with Dee as well . She slept at her parents ' house but appeared to spend most of her time at Dee 's parents ' place . Well , let 's be precise ; she spent most of her time wherever Dee was . That included the little time Dee spent at my flat . By the time Christmas came around , plans for our marriage were in full swing . Um , let 's be fair ; Dee 's mother was just about organising everything , along with Estelle that is . I think Dee and I were just agreeing to everything that they wanted to do . Hey , I wasn 't paying . It was Dee 's old man who was footing the bill . I suppose he wasn 't a bad old stick really . As far as Estelle was concerned , this marriage was only a rehearsal for what she termed as " The big one ! " Frank would look at me and raise his eyebrows when she said that . Well , everything was going along just great until just after Easter , when Porticia got the bleeding " Dear Jane " letter . You know what I mean ; George dumped her for some other girl . I told you he was a bastard . Porticia wasn 't my favourite person in the world but I saw that letter . He was an insensitive arsehole , or asshole as they say over there . It was a few weeks later that Dee first said she wanted to put back the wedding . Porticia was originally getting married a couple of weeks before us . Now Dee wanted to put our wedding back a month or so , because Tish was upset . The girls graduated and moved back home ( my van again ) . They both got jobs pretty quickly . Nothing special , in local banks - oh , different banks . I was of course still juggling college and work ; although I was working on my own a lot more . I even had a couple of blokes working for me on occasion . It all came to a head in early December . I arrived at Dee 's house to pick her up around seven - thirty . Dee and Tish were car sharing , going to work . That night neither had come home yet . Dee hadn 't called me to put me off , and neither had she called home to tell their parents of any change of plans . I was not a happy bunny and went looking for Dee 's car . It wasn 't hard to find , as our town isn 't very large . I found it in the car park of one of the pubs on the outskirts of town . I brought a drink and positioned myself on the other side of the room . Then I sat watching as a meal arrived for them and they all sat and ate it . I did note that Dee was drinking only non - alcoholic drinks , by the way . Anyway it was gone nine before they got up to leave . Both girls were apparently still enthralled with everything that came out of the arsehole 's mouth . They must have got right out to her car before Dee spotted my van parked alongside it . She came dashing back into the bar and looked around for me . I was at that time in conversation with a couple of guys I knew quite well . Slowly I looked up at her . " Since about eight o ' clock . My fiancée stood me up this evening , so I thought I 'd have a quiet drink by myself . " " Oh , I did , don 't you worry . But you didn 't really want me along , did you ? If you had , you would have called and invited me to join the party , wouldn 't you ? What was it ? Does the flash little Git fancy a threesome , or something ? " " Well , I forgot to tell you I was here , okay ? Now you 'd better drive your friend 's home ; they appear to be waiting for you . And make sure you drop the arsehole off first , I wouldn 't trust that little bullshitter as far as I could throw him . " The pantomime began . Yes , I was childishly taking my frustrations out on the little Prat , but he really should have kept his bleeding mouth shut . If he had , he could well have got out of it with some dignity . Anyway he had been telling the girls how much of a tough guy he was all bleeding night . Anyone in the SAS can handle themselves , even the bloody pen pushers . Once we took the argument out in the car park and there wasn 't an audience anymore , he wasn 't so brave . As a matter of fact , he did a runner , after trying to slam the pub 's door in my face . The automatic gas door - closer prevented that . " I didn 't do anything , Dee . The little tosspot talked himself into a corner and then into a fight that he didn 't hang around to have . All I did was to get stood up by my fiancée and went out for a quiet drink to drown my sorrows . Good night ! " I returned to the bar to finish my pint . Dee came back inside for no more than a minute of so . She and Tish had a whispered conversation and then they left . Well , the train was blowing its bloody whistle as it came roaring out of that bleeding tunnel . The following evening I didn 't go round to Dee 's house at the usual time to pick her up . At half eight , she let herself in the door of my flat . And , she thought that it was her turn to sound - - more than a little - - miffed with me . " Everything . If Porticia weren 't around , we 'd be married by now . But for some reason you 've decided not to marry me until Tish finds some mug to marry her . Well , I 'm not waiting anymore . The wedding goes off in February , or there 's not going to be a wedding . Secondly , you will see Porticia just two nights a week from now on . The two evenings that I 'm at college . " " Oh , but I can , Dee . I 'm supposed to be the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with . But from where I 'm standing , it looks like you worry more about Tish , than you do about me . Now I suggest you go home and think about what you really want . You can bring me my answer tomorrow night . I 'll be here until . . . shall we say , nine o ' clock ? " " But Tish and I are going to that rock concert tomorrow night ; its Porticia 's favourite group . She 'll be really upset to miss them , and I know she won 't go alone . I won 't have time to come here before we leave . " " Then I have my answer already ! It 's your choice , Dee ; Porticia or me ? Think about it if you will ? If you 're not here tomorrow evening before nine , everything 's off . You can either keep or sell the ring ; I wouldn 't want it in my flat , it would have too many bad memories . " Dee tried to talk me around , but I refused to listen to her . To be honest I was tired of being a fish on the line . Either we got married , or I would have to cut my losses . As I expected , Dee tried to circumvent things . My phone was ringing when I got home from work . Caller ID told me it was from Dee 's house . I ignored it . At nine , I left the flat and went over to a friend 's flat from where I could watch my own . Brian 's a nice old boy who had really become like a surrogate father to me . I 'm afraid that letting my bedroom to a lodger without even asking or telling me first had almost completely destroyed my relationship with my father and family . It was gone twelve when Dee 's car pulled into the car park . Dee got out , followed by Tish and the little shit from the previous evening . Dee went up to my flat , which was all in darkness ; the other two waited by the car . She let herself in and I watched lights going on and off as she searched the flat for me . Then Dee went back down to her car , where she talked with the other two for a while , before Tish and the guy got back into Dee 's car and drove off . Dee returned to the flat alone . I made myself comfortable on Brian 's sofa . He did suggest that I go home and talk it out with Dee , but I figured she 'd made her decision at six o ' clock . I wasn 't prepared to play second fiddle to Porticia in Dee 's affections , no matter what it would cost me . Brian could see the car park from his bedroom window and he came out to tell me that Dee 's car had returned about half - an - hour later . I went back into his kitchen and watched Tish go up and into the flat . Dee obviously wanted some moral support . By eight - thirty in the morning , neither girl had left the flat . Actually I 'd painted myself into a bit of a corner ; there was no way I could get out of Brian 's flat without the danger of them seeing me . Now I know I was playing silly games , but I wanted them to be wondering where I was . It worked like a dream ; it was only when the old van 's engine started that the girls realised what was going on . They came running down the stairs , jumped into Dee 's car and then set off in hot pursuit of the van . I suppose they thought I was driving it . I went down and got into my car . Now that was something they didn 't know about ; I 'd finally bought the car that Dee and I were supposed to be going on honeymoon in . I drove it over to the house I 'd bought ; another secret from Dee . This was the house I thought we were going to start our married life in . At that moment in time , it looked like a building site , because the guys hadn 't finished yet . Well , I 'd kept putting the date back every time the wedding date went back . There wasn 't much to finish , so I got stuck in there for the day and slept there that night . The following day was a college day for me and I couldn 't miss it . Although the building work was coming along just great and I was earning extremely well , I still had designs on becoming an architect . Having the car that Dee didn 't know about was my saving grace that day ; several times I spotted both girls around the college , but they didn 't see me or even know I was there . I 've got to say that at this juncture , that if Dee had been alone , I most probably would have spoken to her . Possibly we could have sorted things out , but I somehow doubt it . Porticia 's presence prevented me from going to Dee . " No , Dee ! You 're the one who 's acting strange . I told you , last night was your chance to decide whom you wanted to be with , Porticia or me . You chose Porticia . It 's over between us . There 's nothing left to say . " " Do you think she cared about you , when she was planning to marry that Wanker she met over there ? Dee , I 'm not playing second fiddle to Porticia for the rest of my life . Its over , the engagement is off , the wedding is off . . . and you are out of my life ! Goodbye , please leave the flat tidy ; I don 't live there anymore as you 've no doubt noticed by now . " " In the house I had bought for your wedding present . But you chose not to live here with me . Good bye , Dee . I hope you find what you are looking for . " It was the following evening that Dee 's father and mother paid me a call . Of course they knew about the house . I 'd discussed almost everything with them . In my opinion , my relationship with Dee 's father had always been tenuous to say the least . So I thought that telling them about the house was a wise thing to do ; they had kept my secrets from Dee . Both the car and the house were supposed to have been my wedding surprises for her . I was surprised that they actually understood my position . It became apparent to me that , although I didn 't think I would have been Dee 's father 's first choice for a son - in - law , they actually hoped that Dee 's affection for me , would separate her from Porticia . As it turned out , that didn 't happen . It was a very sad parting that evening , and they wished me the best . I gather they never told Dee that they knew about the house , where it was , or that they had come to see me . They told me straight out , that they felt that they couldn 't ask me to change my mind and take Dee back . They had hoped Dee 's love for me would break the hold Porticia seemed to have over her ; but with what had transpired , they had come to believe that Dee would always be under Porticia 's influence . I also gathered she was still telling people that we were engaged . There she ran into a problem ; I had moved on with my life , or to put it more truthfully I was trying to move on and I was not finding it easy . I had started dating other girls , more than anything to try and take my mind off of Dee . I must add not very successfully . However one of the girls I had gone out with , who apparently had designs on making it a permanent arrangement , just happened to overhear Dee tell someone else that we were still engaged . From what I heard , that encounter apparently resulted in a real cat - fight . But after that I never heard any more reports of Dee claiming we were still engaged . |
Well today was a harder day . I guess I am at that stage where I am very sensative to things . Even a stupid song about nothing related to me just makes me cry . I mean crying to a song about a woman leaving her husband ? come on ! But it is what it is and I have to ride it out and experience the emotions and not stuff them down inside . Some days are harder then others and it isn 't all just focused on my grandpa 's passing although that is a big part of it . Lots of other things that seem to have made me more sensative and aware I guess . Tomorrow is another day as they say . Posted by So long it has been since I have written . I went from a happy and exciting time in my life to a sad and trying time now . In the span of the 6 months almost things have changed . It is hard to form everything into words because there is so much and my thoughts and feelings are mixed on all of them . My grandfather has passed . He left us on November 1st . It has almost been a month and it seems like yesterday . I always dread the call that I would received . Whenever the phone would ring and the caregivers name would come up on caller ID , my heart would stop . This time no relief was possible as the news I fear had finally happened . I was knowing that it would come and I feel I was more prepared for it then when my grandmother died . With that said , I guess you can only be prepared so much . The first thing I thought of was that I hadn 't seen him in 3 weeks . I had planned on seeing him the previous weekend but I got sick and I didn 't want to get close to anyone at the group home . I felt like I had abandoned him . I will have to cut this short . It is late and I need to go to bed . I am tired and a bit sad with thinking about this so rest is in order I presume . I will try harder to get on here and write more to all of my fans ( har har har ) . I got two hours of sleep last night because of this stupid cold . Been up for ever and I 'm about ready to crash . I 'm tired , I hurt , can 't breathe well , coughing , and irritable . Today we started off our day with going to my grandfather 's house to pick up a few things . We had gotten a late night last night and so we were a bit tired and came home and took a nap . Josh had the great idea of going to Cinetopia and having dinner and a movie . We decided to go see Planet of the Apes in there living room theater . It is the greatest place . They have a grand auditorium and a living room . All seats are leather upholstered and extra wide , they also recline . The living room is for those over 21 years old because you can serve alcohol in there . They also have ottomans to put your feet up and then a pit at the bottom where you can lay down with a lot of pillows . They take your order and then bring you your meal . The food is great but a bit expensive . Josh had two slices of pieces and some fries with a drink and I had some mac and cheese with chicken and a drink . We went and saw " Rise of the Planet of the Apes . " I was a bit nervous at first because sometimes Apes scare me . Additionally , I knew it would be a bit sad and I hate watching things that are sad . The movie was such an emotional roller coaster . I am very sensitive when it comes to animals and this was no exception . There were many times I was just in tears and trying so hard not to be loud in the theater . I couldn 't help it , I just kept crying . The story was moving and it just kept going at a steady pace . There was never a dull moment throughout the whole things . If I wasn 't crying , I was thought provoked and in suspense to see what happens next . The main ape was so lifelike and human it just hit me hard . It made me think of how special my dogs are to me and how they are like my children . I can 't give out too much but it was sooooo good . We then stopped quick at Fred Meyers , picked up another movie and Josh and I both got something . Josh got a new CD that he wanted and I got a great backpack that is purple with pink designs . And here we are , just got home , let the dogs out , fed them and sitting down for a movie . Go see Rise of the Planet of the ApPosted by Today Josh and I went to the Clark County Fair for the first time since we have lived in Vancouver . I think that would be seven years now . Hard to believe we waited so long huh ? Anyway we got a late start today as Josh worked until late in the morning . We decided to take the shuttle bus there and I am so glad that we did . It saved on not only gas but time and also headaches . When we got there we went into the exhibition / vendor area . I always like going to these because I love to buy things . Of course I need to monitor myself but it is fun to look regardless . We saw a lot of vendors there but unfortunately it wasn 't that exciting . I do get irritated with vendors and all of the ways they try to sell you on things . The ones who jump out at you and push their product are one of the most annoying ones . Or what about the ones who try to be all sweet and play the nice card . e had one lady try to sell us stuff because she was telling us the hard story of how horrible sales have been . Lastly there are the assholes who act like assholes . They jump in front of you and push . Even when you say no they still push you and don 't let go . The one thing I wasn 't expecting was to see so many different religious groups there with booths . Not that I have anything wrong with that but I just always saw those areas as those for vendors . There were a lot of signs asking if you were going to heaven or things like that . It always makes me uncomfortable to have people come up to me about that because I just don 't think anyone should push their values on others . This is MY personal opinion . The way I see it , let those believe what they want to believe . It is their life and their choice . All I can worry about is myself and my beliefs . Anyway continuing on with our day . . . Josh ended up getting a legal butterfly knife ( which I picked out the handle design ) and in that area I didn 't get anything : - ( Well not because I didn 't want to but I was trying to be real careful with how I spent my money . I did find this great little booth with purses wherePosted by Okay so the recap of the last couple weeks event . We decided to sell grandpa 's house because an investor was interested in it . After looking at other houses in the areas my real estate agent came up with a number and he was okay with that and so now we 're in the process of getting things together so we can sign . So for the past couple weekends we have been going to the house every weekend and going through everything . We got Josh 's sister to come up and she helped us . There was stuff everywhere and he kept almost everything . From old shoes to pens . So this last weekend we finally had the garage sale . Friday was probably the craziest day . We had an appraiser come in early we thought to look at pretty much anything that we thought could be of value . Well we hoped he would be able to look at everything . Unfortunately he was very specific as to what he wanted and so we weren 't able to get much of any information from him . So we started this sale at 12 , well that was the plan . The appraiser and us got there at 10 . Someone started to come in at 10 : 30 to start shopping at our garage sale . Unfortunately we let them in and that just began the hurricane of people . When we first started the project , we decided to put all trash in this huge pile or make a pile in the back yard . Anything that was trash we just threw into a pile . This was anywhere from papers to broken things to just garbage . Well not long after the sale began , probably around maybe 12 we looked outside and people were in the garbage pile . They were actually digging through the pile to find stuff . Now Josh had put up the sign over the patio part that said free . I guess they assumed that meant the pile too . After watching them , I then decided well if they 're going to go digging then maybe we should get something out of it since this was technically still our stuff . So I grabbed some garbage bags and I went outside . I told them that if they filled up the garbage bag they could pay five dollars for whatever was in it . everybody just stopped what they were doing . Posted by Thanks for all the recommendations everyone . I was able to sleep but am really tired and very very sore and blazing red . I had to wear a shirt and so it irritates the burn Okay so stupid me . I sat outside at the garage sale and purposely went in the shade . Somehow I manage to get a really bad sunburn . So on top of being sore and exhausted , I am now sunburnt on my shoulders and the front and back part of my neck and upper chest . I read that vinegar helps but we are all out of it . So I had to send Josh out to get me something from the store . Even though he 's exhausted and just plain tired he is still going to go to the store and get me something . I love him . Posted by Today is the first anniversary of my father in laws death . We are heading to re boat launch where we spread his ashes last year . I love you my new / old family and lots of love to dad . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] I am in port orchard with my husbands family . we are sitting by the water and getting ready for the show . it is a bit chilly but oh well . I talked with my grandpa today and he was in good spirits . I told him I love him and to enjoy the fireworks . at the time I was talking to him he was on the porch of his group home enjoying the scenery . happy fourth ! ! ! ! ! [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] Well here it is , a week after Josh and I are married . You know we have been together for 7 years and so it already felt that we were married . However when Brian announced it and we had the party , it just seemed so much more real . The whole day was fantastic . Of course we were a bit late in starting but that was really just a slight hang up . Everyone was so nice and happy and it seemed like everyone really enjoyed themselves . I will have so many good memories from it . I saw some old family and met with some old friends and saw some of my new friends . I can 't say how much fun it is . Right now it is the fireworks time . The dogs are hating the loud noise and here it is 12 : 30am and someone just let another one off and it is so loud . This year they seem to be so much louder more than usual and I feel horrible for my doggies . They get so distraught over it and there is not much we can do but give them benedryl to help keep them calm . Tomorrow is the fourth of July which was my Grandma 's birthday . On the fifth is the anniversary of the death of my father - in - law . He will have been gone a year now and it seems like just yesterday . I can 't believe it and I know that it is hard for Josh and his family . We are heading out to Port Orchard tonight when Josh comes home . Josh wants to be with his family and I don 't blame him at all . So I hope he will be all right . I worry about him so much . I just pray that it will get easier for him . It 's sushi and movie night at the Richardson 's house . Just saw Priest and now on to Transformers 3 . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] Just got home from the train . Caelyn did awesome and it was a nice ride . I came home to fireworks going and Joey shaking cause he is so scared . Mia just follows him around trying o kick his ass . And Caelyn looks at me as if to say , " we came home from a quiet room to this ? " [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] Sitting on the train now . got here and was very confused where to go . there were some rude people and two helpful women . One is a frequent rider and she got me go the front of the line and had them assign me re big seat for Caelyn . She then walked me to my car and helped me to my seat . thank you Lord for the kind souls out there ! they make the difficult ones a bit easier to deal with . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] So today I was not feeling well as it has been all week . I got home and cleaned part of the living room and then unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher . Then I made dinner and then got into watching tv . I have been so behind on watching my favorite shows . I am watching So You Think You Can Dance and it is so much fun . It makes me remember when I used to dance and I miss it so much . I can 't believe I used to ump and kick and do all of that when I was younger , wow hard to believe . Today is Josh 's birthday and unfortunately we weren 't able to spend any time together which is sad for me . I wanted to spend his bday with him but he had to work . He had this last weekend off but we didn 't know that until the last minute . So we need to squeeze in some bday stuff this weekend . He will be working through the week so it will be a challenge . He is working so hard and I am very proud of him . I can 't believe in 9 days we are getting married . It seemed to take forever and now that we are here I can 't believe it . We have a lot of stuff done but still have a few more things to work out . We are waiting on a head count o we can figure out what we are doing for food . I am kind of bummed because so many people can 't make it and some people haven 't even rsvp 'd to say yes or no . Oh well I guess but still they will be miss for those that can 't come . I write this not really knowing what to say or how to say much . My mind is kind of all jumbled up because there are so many things going on it that I can 't think straight . I have many things going on with the wedding , my grandpa , the wcb chapter , work , and other . It seems to all be piling up and I am trying not to drown . I have several to do lists going and they are starting to bleed together because i think of one thing to do for this and then oh yea there is that for that and so on and so forth . I know I am missin things and I am freaking out about that part . But I have to take it one step at a time . Only 37 days and I am feeling the heat . I am so excited but nervous too . I have a wedding shower coming up and I am so self conscious about it . I don 't like being the center of attention in that regard . But i am excited , just a lot to do . Grandpa is in rehab again . He has a small fracture in the hip area . It is inoperable so he just needs to rest . We will have to wait to see what the next step is as far as living arrangements . Posted by At what point does it take for a mind to just short out . To stop and say " Hey wait a minute what is going on here ? I am in overload ! " I wonder if that short has different lengths for everyone . One person 's short might be forever and a day but the other 's might only be a few trying times . The mind has always been interesting to me . Does one 's experience impact how and if that short might occur ? How does willpower play into that or how about beliefs or religion ? I wish I knew because so much is confusing for me sometimes . We live in a world of labels , medications , easy fixes , etc . So what s real anymore ? What is authentic and original if we are all products of all of those things ? I am sure nothing I say is profound as others have said it many times before but still . . . I want to know where the line is and what makes someone cross it and others not to . Sometimes I look at what is going in my life and wonder why it is the way it is . You know that saying that is " God only gives you what He thinks you can handle ? " Well what if God is way to optimistic about my abilities and what I can handle ? Then what happens ? Does my brain short and I crumble to pieces ? What if failure isn 't an option ? What if not matter what is thrown at me I do not crumble ? What if I keep on strong and push and push until I am through it ? At what point do I get a break to relax and rest myself ? I heard about compassion fatigue syndrome ? It is a gradual lessening of compassion over time . What happens when the people around you have sucked the life from you and you have nothing left ? What a horrible feeling but understandable . I think anyone , even those with the purist of intentions , can be exposed to that . After a while you give and give and then there is nothing left . What do you do then ? No one wants to be a cold empty shell of what they used to be do they ? I guess I find myself rambling but I really wonder about these things . I find myself taking care of both my grandfather and my mother . My grandfather is 94 years old and my mom 51 year old . My grandfather is dealing with old age issues and my mother mental health issues . Sometimes I am very tired and all i want to do is just sit and do nothing at all . Sometimes just sitting in silence sounds wonderful . Then there are times when others around me are crying and I find myself not doing so . I think that is the way I cope . I focus so heavily on the logistics and what needs to be done that I push my feelings aside so they can 't get in the way of my goal or mission so to speak . I am sure that isn 't healthy but it is all I know . I remember when my grandmother died around 11 years ago this month . She was sick for about a year or more and it happened pretty rapidly . I was in college and going with my grandfather every day to the hospital so that I could gather information to pass on to the family and also help my grandfather because his hearing wasn 't so good . I remember just sitting in the room with my grandmother doing my homework and preparing for tests . As her health deteriorated things became more complicated as they usually do . My grandmother was so set on staying at home and wouldn 't think about another option . I wanted her to go to a facility to receive better care . God I felt like a bitch as i would talk to her and she would look at me as if I didn 't care . But I didn 't have a nursing degree and I couldn 't help her and keep her safe from getting hurt . She was so fragile you know . I remember at one time a man came over to talk with her about options of places to go . After he left she bounced back and was trying to walk and everything . In my mind I thought that maybe all she needed was a bit of a threat to push her . So when she got sick again I remember telling her that we needed to look into other options . She was barely able to eat , unable to move or get out of bed to use the bathroom . One move from my grandpa and I and she could crack her hip . She had lost so much weight I mean if life was hard for her now I couldn 't imagine making it worse by hurting her more . That night I tried to help her eat some applesauce and talked to her about our options . I had spoken to hospice earlier and was trying to come to terms with what they had said . She had dementia so she argued with me a bit about a small dog in the room but eventually fell asleep . I checked on her several times and then went out to the living room to watch TV . After that my brain went into autopilot i guess because I started going over what needed to be done . My uncles needed to be called and also my mother . What will happen when the ambulance comes , what are the next steps ? I need to contact my professors to let them know I need to postpone finals . Oh I have a meting tomorrow I need to postpone too . Wow well i don 't know why I felt it necessary to share that . I talk about what happened but I don 't think I have written it down . Everything comes with time I guess . So i guess the point of all of this was , well i am not sure . Right now I have 2 people to take care of , 3 dogs as well , a job , a fiancee and a wedding to plan . Now none of that is an excuse but just trying to put things into perspective for myself . In the back of my mind I keep wanting to have a baby eventually . I wonder if there will ever be time to focus on trying to start a family of our own . Things have been going so fast . I think we have 48 maybe now 47 days until the wedding . Starting to feel the pressure and trying to figure out how every thing can fit together . Our biggest obstacle at this point is money . We don 't have a lot of it and are using a good chunk of it toward getting pictures taken and what not . Saturday we went to Costco to get an idea about the food . I was so freaked out because everything is an arm and leg . So if you have 75 people and you want to get a platter and you have to get three platters about $ 90 . That is just a platter . He did get silverware plates cops things to drink . it adds up and by the time you add it all up you 're spending a fortune . I don 't know really what the best answer is at this point . I think were going to go with a buffet and a potluck . That way people can bring something they like and we can all share and celebrate . Hopefully it 's not considered tacky or rude . a lot of people talk about this as a good option and I hope it is . Several people talked about chicken and other people bring like salads and stuff like that . I read somewhere that if you can 't afford to feed your guests then you probably should cut your list . I understand that but the other part is that I want these people to be involved and I don 't want to exclude someone because we can 't afford to feed everybody . I don 't know if that makes any sense or not but it 's how I feel . Don 't even talk about the cake . Josh and I are just going with a couple Costco cakes . I 'm not trying to make this sound like we 're settling . I don 't want it to be fancy shmancy or some cheap little shindig . I just wanted it to be nice and fun . That 's my biggest concern is for it to be fun and reflect Josh and I . But of course money is an issue and so we have to plan accordingly . I think I worry too much . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] Observation tomorrow . I am nervous about it as this year has been rough . I seem to not be doing things right . Wish me luck please and hope that I will get a good evaluation and be able to continue with my program next year . I just have this heavy feeling on me tonight . I am tired and going to bed . I am not sure what it is or caused by but hopefully it will lift tomorrow . I 'm trying teeth whitening strips for the first time . It is really weird but kind of interesting pill . I can 't talk very well and it feels weird . I thought I would give it a try a couple months before the wedding and see what happened . I also need to go see the dentist . I hate going to the dentist . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] We just got out of Wicked . It was amazing ! I cried and laughed . I loved it and so did Josh . We know have a program , pen and mug . Can 't go to a show without souvenirs . Thank you honey ! [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] On our way to Eugene Oregon to see the play Wicked . We have been looking forward to this a long time . Tomorrow is our anniversary . Who can guess how many years ? Fun night ahead ! [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] The vet was able to remove all of the tumor with a half of an margin . Hopefully it won 't come back . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] Josh took Mia in yesterday morning around 7 : 30am . He said it was so sad because Mia always loves to go places . She was all excited right up until he opened the door to the vet . As soon as she saw it she turned around and headed for the other direction . This has been pretty common ever since she was fixed a few years ago . When the tech came out to get her she pulled and pulled and pulled . She has a harness on because she will choke herself if left to do so . The tech told Josh to close the door to the back area when they were clear from the door . Josh did so and then he heard this THUNK sound at the door . Mia came bursting out and ran toward him . She had hit the door so hard it popped open . The tech said " man she is fast . " She then started trying to get her back . Mia then went on the ground with her belly and started to try to swim away : - ) Josh said it was so funny and yet sad at the same time . The vet tech called around 1pm to tell us everything went fine and she was recovering well . They even said that we could bring her home the same day . We were thrilled that everything went well but scared because keeping Mia quiet is like trying not to let a fish swim . I mean it is impossible . The vet said we need to keep her quiet for 10 days ! Are they kidding ! I asked them for some meds to help make her sleepy because she is so stubborn that it is impossible . We picked her up about 4 : 30 and she was very awake . The doc had originally prescribed us benedryl but i told them that was not going to work at all . So they gave us something more . Getting her in the car was so difficult . It is right under her arm pit kind of and it is hard to grab her and not grab that area . Of course she is trying to jump and move around and that only makes it worse . She was crying the whole way home . I was just so upset to see her in pain . I got her right home and put her in her crate where she could be safe and warm . I then got out her antibiotics , pain meds , and sedation meds . I gave them all to her and she was knocked out . It turned out to be a good thing because as predicted she wanted to be all over the place and it was so hard to keep her calm and not jumping out of my arms . We went outside later and she didn 't do anything which I understood . Then later we tried again and tried to sit on the couch . Of course this lasted only a bit and then she was antsy and just wanted back in her bed . So tonight I am without a Mia in the bed . She is downstairs in her crate because I didn 't want to move her or carry her upstairs and risk the chance of dropping her . I miss her already . i love that little one . Today sucked ! That 's all there is to it ! There 's nothing left to say . I can only pray that tomorrow will be better and the start of better things to come . Please Lord let that be true . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] Well I am now President of the new United Blind of SW Washington . It is group for the legally blind and friends of families of those with vision loss . We just started today so we haven 't pinpointed our focus and course of action but we are on our way . I was pretty worried to have the responsibility of President as I have never been one . But I have to be confident in myself since a lot of other people are otherwise they wouldn 't have nominated me . So I need to check into what the role entails so that I am prepared . I am excited but scared as well . More to come . . Friday I had to put down a very good friend of mine . My mom had had Louie who is a Yorkie Terrier . He was 13 years old . He was blind and deaf and in renal failure . We had taken him in around October or November and the doctor had said he was doing well . I was sure he was fine and we originally brought him in to get a rabies shot . Next thing I know the vet says he is sick . I wasn 't there to talk to the doc but my mom was . I was so stunned and upset . I mean it had been a terrible day , this was Thursday we heard about it being a possibility . We had to take some blood so that we could find out what was really wrong with him . That night I was very upset but tried so hard not to think about it because I knew that if I did I would crumble and then I wouldn 't be able to function . I guess a part of me thought that maybe it would be fine and not to think about it . But we got the call saying that yes he was in renal failure and we knew what we had to do . I couldn 't leave work Recently I took over the care of my mom 's 13 year old deaf / blind yorkie . He is very important to me and loves me to death . He will search me out and always seems to find me even though he cannot hear me or see me . I had to take him in to get his shots and found out some not so good news . They think he might have kidney failure or disease . They took some blood work and we will know more tomorrow . I am so upset about it . I know and knew that it would happen eventually but just wasn 't ready for it right now . There has been so much loss and change in the last year that it just seems to be one more thing to be in sorrow about . I know for him if he is in pain then he needs to be sent back to God but I will miss him . He truly means the world to me because he is so genuine and loving . To know you have such a strong bond with an animal that he can find you where you are ! The frustrating part is I want to cry , I think I need to . There is so much happening and so much hurt and pain and mix of emotion . I am afraid that if I start I won 't stop . It would be like opening the flood gates and that scares me . I hate losing control like that and I want to keep it together . I need to for other people 's sake I guess . I will start to cry and then it will stop after only a few seconds or whatever . Anyway I will have more information later . This is just really hard for me . I try to make my posts as positive as possible but I can 't this time . I have had a rough week and I am very sad . I cannot divulge much but it has been hard . Part of me feels numb inside and I am not sure what to do about that . I guess time heals all scars but this will take a while . I think when someone hears the same thing over and over again from one person it begins to affect them no matter how hard they try to keep it from doing so . It becomes this mosquito hanging on the arm as a constant reminder that someone in the world thinks that . It can cut deep . What happens when you run out of emotion ? Have you ever had someone in your life that , after a certain time you don 't know how to feel or what to feel . You search inside yourself and can only find this empty hole where the emotion is supposed to go ? Like as if someone dug it and it is waiting to be filled . What if you cannot find the material to fill it ? Does it become this empty spot in your soul ? I am not sure what happens next . What happens when no matter what anyone says , you still cannot feel ? Can someone use up all of their energy on something so much and to such intensity that after a while they are just indifferent ? Does that make them a monster or a human ? I see these things happen all around me and it makes me wonder . How much can a person take ? I know the say " God only gives us what He thinks we can handle . " Sometimes I think He has too much faith in me . Other questions pop up in my head . Can someone use up all of their love on someone and still have love for others ? Does one bad relationship or situation serve as a chain on their heart which takes much force to break ? I hope not . Today I guess is one of those days that I am just in a bad mood . I was so tired this weekend I didn 't do much . I woke up today and had a bad headache . it seems like the dogs were barking all day long and it just intensified the situation . It almost felt like they were yelling at me all day . I am now taking care of my mom 's eldest dog . His name is Louie and he is 13 years old . He is blind and death and unfortunately has accidents . This is kind of new to me as I haven 't worked with a dog like this . He is very special to me but still a lot of work . We found a nice laundry basket to use for his bed at night so that way he isn 't wondering around and or wouldn 't fall off of the bed . Sometimes I feel like I am responsible for everyone . I feel like no matter what I do it is never enough and there is always something else to do . Someone said to me a few days ago " Do you really think now is the best time to plan a wedding ? " The wedding is the only thing that gives me joy at the moment . It is something to look forward to , to be excited about . Anyway that is it for tonight . Take care all Ok so things have been nuts with everything . We have June 26th as the date now and I am not changing it anymore : - ) We are having a BBQ I think . I am not sure if we will have a DJ or use my IPOD . There is so much to do and so little time . If I could do wedding stuff all day that would be fine with me . t is a lot of fun . Let me list some things for sure why is it that there isn 't some sort of state certification of service , companion animals where the animals must pass requirements in order to be around the public ? Some one educate me if there is . I think there is so much more to a helper dog then just saying you trained your own or just putting a sign or something on them . I put a lot more faith in an organization that raises , trains and test their animals to make sure they are appropriate to send out with their handlers . Just my opinion Well has it been forever or what ? I think it has been about 19 days or so . I am sorry for not keeping you up to date , things have been kind of crazy all around . Some of it I cannot get into as this isn 't he venue for it but the rest is fine . My grandpa is now back to his apartment at Van Mall . Unfortunately when he came back the place was on quarantine because a lot of residents were sick . So that wasn 't the best way to come out of a rehab center . Luckily we had gone to the lake after he came out and walked around a lot so he had gotten some good air and exercise . He is doing well and enjoying be able to get out and do things on his own . I am happy for him too because I can only guess how tired and bored he was being in the rehab facility . We are also helping out my mom for a bit . She is staying with us for a short time until we can get my grandpa 's house fixed up . Unfortunately it isn 't able to be lived in and so we need to change it and get it to livable conditions . So because my wedding date has changed we are contemplating a different location for the wedding . We decided that it 's going to be best if we have the wedding at a time where I don 't have to worry about work . So it looks like it will be sometime in late June or early July . Usually at that time of the year is pretty nice outside , so we thought about maybe having it at one of the lakes nearby . one of our coworkers was married at the lake and it was beautiful . So I decided to go check it out look online see what information I could find out . It sounds like a pretty cool idea , but I need to confirm some dates see what options are available and how much it costs . Then after that once I have a few dates in mind , talk with Josh and try to find a good time that we can do this . I 'm thinking it 'll probably be maybe July 8 or something . I will keep you posted [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] So it has been a while since I wrote . I have been so tired and sick with everything going on . My hand is getting better . I finally got the stitches out but it is very weak and still very sore . Things haven 't been very good all around in many facets of life . It has taken me off my guard and off my path and plan . I want to get back on and stop this and start over . You can always start over . I have been sick all weekend which isn 't a surprise since every time we have a long weekend I get sick . I am very sick of it ahahaha . I have been in bed not doing anything and it drives me nuts . I haven 't had much of a meal at home because I can 't cook with my hand . Maybe that is an excuse but it is really hard . So I have been eating a lot of junk food . I think I have gained weight because of it . That just depresses me more but I can get back on track . It is just gonna take me a while . We have moved the date of the wedding . Having it on a Friday made it too difficult to really enjoy ourselves . We are hoping we can make it work on a Sunday evening so that way people can come for it and maybe only have to miss a day of work if they do so choose . I am working on the date . Kind of feel like I am back to square one . However the date of the wedding just wasn 't going to work for many different reasons . It looks like with other things happening I may have to change the date of the wedding . When we do get married I want to be able to enjoy it and take the time that I need to fully pamper myself like everybody says that I should . If I have my wedding during a time when it 's in school I can 't really do that . If I do that Friday then I 'm in school for half day and I really want to spend some time and hang out with my bridesmaids . Right now my made of honor can 't come until the night before the wedding so it just seems like maybe it 's a better idea . I will keep you posted . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] I think it 's now day three after surgery . Going in I had I believe some morphine and some other or relax and take sedation medicine . Now they have me on Percocet and 600 mg I think of Motrin or ibuprofen . I am kind of in and out of it . I can 't really lay on my left side because it 's my left wrist that I have the surgery on . When I came out of surgery I found this huge dump on my left hand . So I can 't move it at all I can move the fingers a little bit and the thumb , but that 's about it . It 's not like a cast it 's like this big bandage that goes probably three fourths of the way up my forearm . And I know it has like this steel metal thing in it so that I can 't really bend it . So needless to say I can 't really do anything with that wrist or really hand at allSo doing anything is pretty much impossible . In fact , the only reason I am blogging is because I am using a dictation software on my iPhone . That 's the cool part about an iPhone or really technology nowadays . It makes it so that not much is impossible . However I still have to be somewhat loose it and order for my posting to make sense . Right now I 'm not so much in pain but very uncomfortable . However I took a Percocet couple of hours ago and so probably still feeling the effects of that . I 'm not one to medicate myself very often and I don 't really like to so I am pretty conservative when it comes to pain medication . Anyway I 'm pretty uncomfortable most of the time because I can 't really do anything with it . So it makes a lot of everyday chores and work pretty impossible . The worst part right now besides it being uncomfortable is the fact that it itches . I can 't do anything about it which drives me nuts . I guess it 's good I can 't do much with it . I think I remember last time doing a lot more with my right hand when I probably shouldn 't have . So I really have to take care of it . Unfortunately I have to keep this big thing on my left hand until Thursday . Hopefully I can stay seen until then . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] So tomorrow I am having carpel surgery on my left hand . I had it on my right hand a few years ago and it really helped me . However the procedure was a bit stressful . I had a student observing the doctor so he was explaining it to them . Well next thing I know I feel my hand mysteriously lift up on it 's own . I was relaxed on something but was awake and my hand was numb . Oh it totally creeped me out . I am praying that this doesn 't happen and maybe they could give me something heavier . . . We will see . Well we have a location and a date . I am a bit nervous with the date . We only have an option of May 27th which falls on Memorial Day Weekend . Gosh I hope people can still come . The place we liked isn 't available again until July . I really don 't want to wait that long . Yesterday Josh and I went to the Bridal show at the Firstenburg . It was nice to go to but didn 't help much . It was amazing how expensive everything was . I was glad I had already had some good ideas about how I would get things done . Man the cakes were expensive , caterers expensive , locations , etc . You name it those things were expensive . I didn 't really get any hints as to anything else that might help me . So got music figured out , getting great decorations at Michaels and Dollar Store and invitations through email . We are working on location which we will look at Tuesday . Started a guest list but not totally sure if we are finished with that . I started off this week feeling pretty darn good . I had gotten a dress , was on my way to figuring out wedding plans . I was also on track with working out and eating better . I guess that kind of went out of the window as the week progressed . It is hard to go into specifics because well this is life and when you blog everything is public . I would be stupid to think that somehow anything I say would be safe from future exploitation . I hate to seem paranoid but better safe than sorry . At the end of the week I have to tell you I threw all caution out of the window and ate a bit too much . I felt so bad that I had strayed . On top of that I couldn 't muster up the energy to work out . I know that is a very lame excuse but it is what I have . I was so mentally and emotionally not to mention physically exhausted I just couldn 't do it . When something happens twice in one week , people say I had a right to get all upset . However when I look back at the situation it only makes me worry . Yeah maybe it was expected , but I see it as a personal weakness that I got so upset . I let my guard down at work and that doesn 't make me feel any better . So anyway , needless to say it wasn 't a good week . It was a pretty crappy week and one that I don 't want repeated . Hopefully the next week will be better . Ok so I looked at my dress again last night and fell in love again . I then looked at it AGAIN tonight . I have a feeling this will be an every night thing . I just can 't believe I have it . I mean a dress just for me that is not cheap . It makes me feel special . Today I looked at hairstyles > i am going for an updo with a tiara . I am not a big veil person . For shoes , simple flat shoes or maybe ballet like shoes like slippers . There is no way I can do heels ! Also I looked at a few places to have it . I need a place inside that is very inexpensive . Well today was the first start to getting married . I have been engaged for 6 years and we just decided it was time . If we don 't we will come up with excuses after excuses and we will never get married . So many reasons brought this to a head . My grandpa is 94 years old and helped raise me . I want o make sure he is able to see me walk down and aisle . Secondly I have had a lower self - esteem in the past and haven 't taken good care of myself . I want to change that and not look back . So here we are . Today I went out with my 3 girlfriends from work . Unfortunately my maid of honor isn 't here but in Minnesota but I am communicating with her via text and everything . We went dress shopping . I have to admit at first I was not excited . I was not looking forward to it because I hate look at myself and I hate dresses . It just seemed not that exciting . Plus I always wanted to be thin for my wedding and I am obviously not . But if I wait too long who knows what will happen . The girls were so excited . We went out to brunch and it was fabulous . The food was amazing which is ironic because here I am looking for dresses and eating a buffet brunch . But I was ok with that . We ate and then made our way to the shop . I wasn 't hopeful to find much because first of all dresses are so expensive . I figured we would go to David 's Bridal and find something and then look for something somewhere that is the same or close to it . I like to plan and so before I went I went online at David 's Bridal and took out some pictures that I liked of dresses from the website . I walked in with papers in hand and the girls just went for it . They ran over to my size section and started pulling out dresses . It was amazing because they were looking for me and would show me things . I was shocked because I didn 't have to do a lot of work on my own . We kept finding dresses . We found I think most of the dresses I had seen on the website and even more . They kept jumping up and down waiting for a room to open up for me . It was so sweet . Yet I wasn 't yet excited . I saw all of these beautiful women in thin pretty gowns . I was expecting much . Once we got back there the game was on . I got a nice strapless bra that goes partially down to the waist and a slip . After that , it was go for the dresses . We would try one on and then I would come out and get pictures taken . The most amazing part was hearing the oooo 's and the awwww 's . People were saying I was beautiful . Me ? I even had one woman come up to me and tell me how beautiful I looked . I couldn 't believe it . A woman I didn 't even know telling me how pretty I looked . After that my spirits went up . I am not big or good at making decisions . I often cave in and go with majority . However , the ladies were awesome at making sure it was all MY decision . I tried on 8 dresses I think . I was shocked at how one look at the mirror and it was " Nope , not this one . " Dress number 2 , 3 , 4 and 8 were my favorite . Oh man it was tiring but still fun because people were pampering me and smiling and exited . This made me so happy and feeling special . So after I tried on all of them I looked at the four pictures I had of the dresses . I nixed dresses 2 and 3 . They were beautiful but just didn 't look as good as dress 4 and 8 . Each time I sent a picture to Melissa to update her on what was going on . She was so supportive . So it was down to two dresses . Lisa , Michelle and Teri liked dress number 4 and Melissa liked dress 8 . As I looked at the dress and myself I just felt that number 4 was what I wanted . I felt beautiful and loved the way it felt and looked . So boom there we have it . Now let 's talk price . Oh the topic I hate . So this was the LAST day of the Bridal gown special . The two dresses were around the same price and about I think $ 450 and I got it a lot cheaper than that and it was beautiful . I mean it was awesome and totally in my budget . I was elated and so were the ladies . I thought how lucky I was . Here I thought I would just look and I find a dress the first time looking , in one afternoon and on sale . Lucky me ! As we left I felt so pretty and special . But yet it still hasn 't hit me . I mean I keep thinking about it and I felt wonderful but not there yet . As it comes closer I know it will change . In the mean time i need to maintain my workouts and watching what I eat . The ladies have lots of ideas and I am hopeful but still a lot to do . . . : - ) Well all , tomorrow I make my first initial attempt at starting to get a wedding going . I am going with m friends to look at dresses . I am very excited well kind of . I kind of don 't want to see myself in white as I haven 't lost much weight but . . it can be exciting too . I hope that I can find something I like and that fits in my budget . I have 3 of my friends coming and then my maid of honor standing by the phone to view the pictures too . My best friend Melissa lives in Minnesota and so she isn 't nearby and I really value her opinion . I am nervous . It will be weird to be doing this and not showing Josh what I like . So we will see how it goes . Right now we are thinking around April to June but haven 't pinpointed a location yet . It kind of depends on what we can afford which isn 't a lot right now . Next weekend we are going to a bridal show and will see what they have to offer . We just can 't go crazy . I already know the color which actually is just one color . Are you supposed to have 2 ? I just want lavender as it is so beautiful and purple is my favorite anyway . Flowers are going to be bought at Micheal 's I think and then getting plates and stuff from Party City . Then I have my Ipod to blast music and have fun with . This is just bits here and bits there so it will come together . i also think I will send out invitations through the Internet like evite or something . . . . So much to do but kind of fun . So this weekend I was sick , yes that is the second time I have been sick in a period of a month . I started to feel sick on Friday and right after work I went right to bed . I literally was in bed the whole time unless I was up to have something to eat which was not very often . As i was in bed I had an interesting thought , well as interesting as you can have when you are sick and on cold pills . I wondered what do you do when you are sick and cannot workout and keep up your routine ? I guess this question wouldn 't haunt me so much if it weren 't for that damn Wii . I love the Wii ! It is a great way to keep up with your workouts , monitor your weight and keep yourself motivated . I wonder about the motivation part though . I guess you can be motivate if you feel the unrelenting urge to prove to the little damn Wii board that you are not " obese " as he says in his tiny voice . This board person is a wii board with each corner of it serving as either an arm or a leg to make it appear more human . Could it also be motivating when you don 't show up on the Wii for three days and it says that it forgot who you are ? And aren 't I the schmuck who goes back to my profile to make sure I clicked on the right Mii . Haha very funny wi board ! You got me , even electronics can make funnies . So anyway I am trying to use the Wii more and more to help keep myself honest and on track . I just wish that the wii board would be a bit kinder to me . Maybe instead of saying " that 's obese " and my mii hanging her head in shame . . . . maybe we could say " that 's really big boned " and having my mii put her hand on her hip with attitude ? At least then we could keep some dignity . But don 't get me wrong . I do enjoy using the machine and find it fantastic . I just like to think about the little things . This is what gets me into trouble . . . . So tonight I bought Just Dance 2 and tried it out . I am excited because this seems like a lot of fun . I can dance and then count my time in my Wii fit program . Maybe later I will buy a workout one and a Zumba one . Go Wii board and your little " that 's obese " phrase too ! ! ! ! I was able to see Grandpa this afternoon . When I got there he was sleeping real sound . I thought for a moment about not waking him up . I hadn 't seen him the last weekend because of being sick so I needed to say hi . I walked in quietly and had a seat and gently touched his hand . His eyes opened and a smile started to form at the corner of his mouth . It was a joy to see . I asked him how he was doing . . . . " Sleeping . " was his response with a big laugh . I was very appreciative of his smile and good humor . I showed him a pair of shoes that I bought him over the weekend . When I took them out to put them on he just laughed at me . " I guess I have bigger feet then you thought . " he said . " No , " I say " I am just not a good judge of shoe size . " We both had a chuckle . He then began telling me about his working out routine . It was great watching him show me how he moves the equipment and what not . I told him I was proud of him and that he needed to keep it up . So after some more chatting and good laughs I promised him I would go back to the drawing board and try to get him some bigger sized shoes . As I drove away I was comforted to know that he still has the strength and push in him to keep working . There were some days I wasn 't sure how far we were going to go . I know he had had another stroke as it had shown in his slowing of his speech . I also knew he was really frustrated with everything and tired as well . However this visit gave me more hope that his attitude has taken a turn for the better . I just like to see him happy , whatever that means for him is what I wish for him . As long as he is happy then I am all right with that . I have been sick since Friday . this means I am getting nothing done . I am miserable and can 't even go see grandpa . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] Well low and behold I am sick yet again . I was sick like 3 weeks or so ago . That is what you get when you work in the education system . No matter how much you prevent it still comes to find you . You just can 't get away from it . I feel like crap and I am very irritable too . I got through work today but man I crashed when I got home . So needless to say I didn 't get to look at dresses today . Although I have pictures of ones that I like . I was really upset because I was looking forward to it . We will try another time . I was able to go to Walmart and get some things so that I could feel better . We also picked up a harness for Mia and two collars for Mia and Joey . The coolest one was that we got a little jacket for Mia which is like a few shades of purple . Once I feel better I will put it on her and then take some pictures of it . I think it is going to be adorable . Anyway I hope that I can kick this faster than I did the last one . I hate being sick and then missing out on m weekends . The other frustrating part is that I wanted to go see my grandfather this weekend . Well I am more reluctant to do so when I am sick . I was able to write him an email and then send it to the social worker . She then printed it out and gave it to him so that he could read it . That makes me feel better and I know that he knows that he isn 't alone . Well hello fellow followers , for all those out there that read my blog ahahahaha . I hope that you all enjoy the pictures I put up . I am proud of myself for figuring it out . I am sure that sounds stupid to some of you as many more are more aware of how to blog better than me . You know when I was younger I used to think that what I wrote or said was profound and original . Now I just realize that I was giving myself way too much credit . I think everyone when they are younger wants to think that they are amazing and original well maybe we all are in our own way . Anyway , today was a good day . Work went well and wasn 't too stressful which is all right with me . I need less stress : - ) I was able to come home and get to work out a bit . Later tonight I watched " Easy A " which was not painful at all but rather funny . In contrast to that , I am ashamed to admit I am watching Piranha as we speak . I am not hopeful at all . it is kind of watching a train wreck . You know you shouldn 't and it is going to be bad but you can 't just look away . So as I believe I have mentioned before , my plan is for Josh and I to get married this year . We are still working on the location and date but have good ideas on what we want for some things . Anyway , I am already looking at dresses and deciding for myself what I like . I am so easily influenced by others that I want things to be of my own choosing . This should be exciting tomorrow . I hope I have a good idea of what I am getting tomorrow . More news to come , stay tuned . . . . . Today was a long day , a bit rough but it is over . Sometimes after a day like today i am so tired it is hard to explain . I feel like I am wiped emotionally , mentally and physically . It makes it hard to do things when I get home because I feel so exhausted . On the positive side I am trying to get things going with a wedding for Josh and I I am going to look at dresses this week . i will either buy one ( has to be low priced ) or try to see if I can have one made . We don 't have a lot of money so I need to be smart about all of this . I plan to look at dresses by next Monday . So we shall see . I am at my dr . office . it is around 33 degrees outside . I was going to take the bus home however it is not very likely . I have to take two buses and there is around 30 minute wait time between them . so even though the distance from my dr . isn 't that far I am still going to take a taxi . I have Caelyn with me . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] Well today was an all right day . Work was ok but the afternoon kind of dragged on a bit . However the kids worked hard and did a good job . I came home and emptied the trash , did a load of laundry and unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher . After that I got on my Wii and worked out for 30 minutes . It was fun but the aerobic section is limited . Over the Christmas Break I got to play Just Dance on the Wii at Josh 's sister 's house . It was real fun ! I decided I want to get it so that I can just have fun and dance and keep myself moving regularly . I also found out that there is a game for Zumba on the Wii and some more workout ones . So I am kind of excited to get some different kinds so that I can mix it up . The Wii tracks your activities but you can also put in other things you did outside of their own things . I am hoping I can pick up a game soon . Right now I am doing hula hoops , step aerobics and short distance running . I love dancing and so that would be fun . I took danced for around 10 years . I loved everyone minute of it . I wish I could get myself back in shape so that I could do more of it . Anyway , I am glad that I worked out today . Even though it is just one day , I have to take it one day at a time . If I look too far ahead I can get off track . So each day is a new day to obtain new goals . Unfortunately tonight I haven 't been feeling well , kind of been sick . I hope it passes so I am good for work tomorrow . Things have been weird lately . I have been really tired and also busy at the same time . Wednesday I was so exhausted I went to bed at like 6pm and slept through the whole night . I don 't know what happened , I just couldn 't keep my eyes open . Thursday I wasn 't feeling well and just kind of zoned out I guess . Friday and Saturday well those went fast and again I was tired . I was thinking of things to write about and I had it down in my head but now for the life of me I cannot remember . Anyway I am trying to keep things going . I think I might be coming down with something . Ok so today I started my attempt at keeping a workout routine . I am really going to try to maintain working out regularly . It can be so hard sometime " as I am sure everyone says " to keep up with it . I am not a morning workout person so I need to do it after school . This year my energy level is totally depleted by the time I come home . My work is a lot more demanding . This isn 't always a bad thing , i love to be challenged . So this is something I need to work on . So my goal is to lose a few pounds this month . I am trying to keep my goals smaller so that they are more obtainable . So today I started working out . I am using the Wii fit that I have to start out with . I haven 't used it in a long time . I decided to begin by doing only 20 or so minutes today . I figured starting out small and then building up so I can build stamina . So all I can do is try to stay positive . I am also trying to balance out my food intake which in itself is a challenge too . Sometimes I just end up hating food . It is hard to explain why , sometimes I am not even sure why . I am trying to have more water and then increase my fruits and vegetables . I wish I liked that V8 juice that gives you all of those veggies . I can 't stand the taste and I have tried . So there you go , we will see what we see . Ok , at first I thought this was going to be an interesting post . Now I must apologize if you are totally bored . Just a last thought , if there is anyone who reads this , either now or in the future , I want to keep this blog positive . So no negative comments or put downs to anyone who writes or responds or whatever . Negativity isn 't good for anyone and doesn 't help either person , the one posting it or the one who reads it . Thanks I just got home from seeing my grandfather at the rehab center . It was scary at first , because when I went into his room I saw him lying on the bed but his body was covered , like what they do when someone passes away . I walked over to him and I was scared to touch him as I didn 't know what happened . I called his name and I finally heard him say something . It turned out that the window was open and it was really cold and he covered his own face . We talked for a good 45 min . or so and I wish him a happy it was really hard to understand him because he talks very slow and I think he starts to get confused as to what he was saying because he forgets it after a while . So we chatted and he told me about his day and how people said happy birthday to him . After a while he was tired and it was time for dinner so I wished him a happy birthday again . So in all it was a pleasant visit , although it didn 't start off on a very good note . [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone ] Yesterday was the first day of January of the year 2011 and one of my presents for Josh was for him to get a tattoo . This isn 't just any tattoo it was meant to be a special tattoo just for him to honor the memory of his father who passed away in July . He designed his own tattoo which was a picture of A fish and over the top of it was the word dad and underneath it was his date of birth and his date of death . I 'm going to try and post the picture on this website here so you can see it . So at about one o ' clock we headed over to a tattoo place that we went to last time when Josh got his big Dragon tattoo . This time we got someone else to do his tattoo and he decided to have it put on his upper left part of his shoulder . I was trying to get a video of it but he was self - conscious so I just took some pictures . I 'm not quite sure how long the whole process took for him maybe it was in an hour . or it Yesterday was the first day of January of the year 2011 and one of my presents for Josh was for him to get a tattoo . This isn 't just any tattoo it was meant to be a special tattoo just for him to honor the memory of his father who passed away in July . He designed his own tattoo which was a picture of A fish and over the top of it was the word dad and underneath it was his date of birth and his date of death . I 'm going to try and post the picture on this website here so you can see it . So at about one o ' clock we headed over to a tattoo place that we went to last time when Josh got his big Dragon tattoo . This time we got someone else to do his tattoo and he decided to have it put on his upper left part of his shoulder . It seems longer but that 's because I was having not such of a great day . I been sick all day and I 'm not sure what caused it . I wasn 't sure if maybe the food from the night before caused it or maybe the Starbucks coffee I had caused it . However I was feeling really sick so it seemed like it was taking forever . As the process continued Josh stayed calm and handled it very well . He said that at some times he wouldn ' Posted by The time has come to put the past behind us and to focus on the time ahead . To clear our hearts and minds of the bad and hurtful and to open them up to the good that is all around us . Tonight before the new year started , I wrote some letters and then burned them . It is supposed to cleanse your heart and soul and mind . What you do is write letters to whomever you need or want to . Then when the time comes you take those letters and burn them up . This takes all the stuff you wrote and puts it into the universe to help cleanse yourself and to start anew . I have never done it before but I thought I would try since this year has been so trying for all of us . It was weird writing down my notes to people , getting out anything and everything I needed to say and then seeing those words be consumed and then go up in flames . It did make me feel better . I also wrote some resolutions for the new year . I am hoping I will be more successful with them then I have been in the past . I want to be able to lose some weight and to work on my business . another goal is for Josh and I to get married . I remember when I was younger I wanted to have a big wedding and everything . Now I can 't see how it is realistic to do that due to time and money . Plus that doesn 't matter to me anymore . I would be happy with just a small wedding and a fun reception . Nothing fancy or exciting , just us and our friends and family having fun . We shall see . A big part of it too is I want to lose some weight , just cause that is a goal of mine . Right now we are at Josh 's sister 's home in Port Orchard . We had sometime to eat and then had a few drinks . After that we played Just Dance on the Wii . I had never tried it before and it was a lot of fun . It kind of reminds me of Dance Dance Revolution only without the pads to step on . Boy was it a workout . I think I might try to get that and make it part of my workout routine during the week . I mean you gotta love dancing . Then we played some game and waited for the ball to drop . Don 't worry we were nice and loud with our noise makers . It was great . Josh and I hugged one another and gave each other a kiss . We promised that this year would be better . So tomorrow Josh is going to get a tat . This will be his second one within the year . He had one done in April . This time he is getting a tat to tribute his father . It will be very special for him , a way to heal . I will have to let you know how it turns out . I think he is excited . I kind of wish that I could get one too as I like getting tats . I have 2 already and they are awesome . However this is his time and my present to him . |
I took this picture from our deck around 7 : 30 this morning . It was quiet and peaceful , just me and the birds and a stalking cat . I scared the cat away . May it never return . Yesterday evening , sometime between 5 : 30 and 6 a friend , part of Cindy 's expanded family , called Cindy to say that she thought she had broken her arm . She had gone to her daughter 's volleyball practice and since she had been a star volleyball player in high school , she was helping her daughter warm up . Well , she was not as agile and her footwork wasn 't quite as good as when she had been in high school . To make a longish story shorter , she fell backwards and injured her arm . She called Cindy to ask her to come and pick her up to take her to Urgent Care . Cindy was , at the time , cooking dinner for guests and asked me to pick our friend up . So I did . I drove to the high school where I found our friend in her car in the parking lot . She asked me to drive her car since she had her toddler son in his car seat . I agreed and we set out to Urgent Care . When we got there we unloaded the toddler , assembled his stroller , put him in it and went inside . She was told that it would be at least 1 1 / 2 hours before she could see a doctor ( let 's take the urgent out of Urgent Care ) and they did not have the facilities to cast her arm if that was needed . So we went back to the parking lot where we put the toddler back in his car seat , disassembled the stroller , and loaded it into the car . We set off for the emergency room of one of our local hospitals . But first we stopped at our house and left the toddler with Cindy and our dinner guests . When we arrived at the emergency room I noticed that they had a large sign on the wall that said " Emergency Room Welcome Center . " I think the Welcome Center part was supposed to take some of the sting out of the Emergency part . There didn 't appear to be many people waiting , so we were encouraged to think that the wait would not be too long . Sitting beside us was a woman in a wheelchair accompanied by her husband and three adult daughters . Before long another four members of her family arrived . Our little part of the waiting area was getting crowded . Did I say our wait wouldn 't be long ? We sat there , chatting , for about an hour before our friend was taken into an examining room . I decide to stay in the waiting room . No sooner had our friend disappeared behind a door than one of the daughters marched to the desk and asked why our friend had been taken before her mother . The woman at the desk explained that while the mother may have checked in first , they took patients in order of severity of the injury . The daughter scowled and went back to her chair . One of her sisters asked what the counter person had said . The first sister said that she didn 't know . What ? About another hour passed and the woman in the wheelchair was still sitting and waiting . At that point another of the sisters marched to the desk and asked why her mother hadn 't been seen by a doctor yet , after all they had been waiting for two hours . The counter attendant looked at her computer screen and said , " No , you have been here one hour and forty - five minutes and we see people based on the severity of their … " never making eye contact with the daughter . The daughter said , " HOW CAN YOU … " And at that point her father said , " Come over here and sit down ! " never looking up from his smart phone . She grumbled but meekly returned to her chair . Then she started talking to her sisters , loud enough for all of the people in the waiting area to hear , " How can they tell if one injury is worse than another ? " One of her sisters who was dressed in pink opined that her sister was just upset due to pregnancy hormones . Then the pink sister started talking about her upcoming wedding . I tried to tune her out . It was difficult since she was standing directly in front of me . By the way , I had offered her my seat , but she had turned down my offer . At one point I heard her telling her family that she got nervous when she thought about sex and started twirling her hair . At that point I looked at her and thought she looked as if she had been around the block at least a few times , but that 's just between you and me . Finally they called the mother 's name and told her she could take two people back with her . Pink sister took control of the wheelchair but her father stood up , put away his smart phone , and told pink sister to sit down . He was taking his wife back by himself . And he did . At that point , five of the seven remaining family members left to eat dinner . I waited around another half hour and finally approached the counter attendant and said that my friend had gone back around an hour ago and … At that point the attendant looked at her computer screen and said , " No , it has only been forty - five minutes … " I broke in said that I just wanted an update on her condition . The woman never regained eye contact with me but said that I could go back and see my friend . So I did . I got there in time to see her wheeled away for X - rays . When she returned she had a cloth on her forehead because she had passed out from pain when they were moving her arm around for the X - rays . We were sure that there was at least one break . After a while a nurse came in and confirmed our speculation . It was a broken radius near her elbow . They gave her some pain meds , waited a bit and then started splinting her arm . After that they put her arm in a sling and sent us on our way . That was around 10 : 15 p . m . I have to say that for an Emergency Room , nobody who worked there seemed to treat anything as an emergency . There was no hustle , no bustle , no sense of urgency . Maybe they need to rename that part of the hospital . TagsCollaboration , friends While patiently waiting for vaayadipennu to finish publishing the most recent N - N - 1 , Anju and I decided to revisit our original concept , 2 - 2 - 1 . We went so far as to try to take our pictures at exactly the same moment . Trying to determine the date and time for this momentous project turned into an " After you Alphonse " routine until I remembered that a gentleman should never argue with a woman . So I decided that we would take our pictures on Thursday , May 4th at 7 p . m . in Penang , Malaysia . Let 's start with Anju . I hope that you enjoy the result . I came face to face with one of my many scary zombie dreams in real life , as part of my job . As someone who has a ' cliché ' fear of crowds , I 've never actually had to face this fear head - on . Living in highly populated cities just means you learn to manoeuvre out of stressful , overly crowded situations . Not this time . I had to attend an event in Penang ( Malaysia ) with over 20 , 000 highly passionate people in one small arena for the duration of a week . For most of that time , I spent in a circle similar to the one in the photo . I now feel equipped to write a short story about zombies ! It was a dark rainy morning in Lafayette . It was so dark that I had to lighten the picture in order to make out the courthouse with the scaffolding around the dome . You can tell that it is still raining from the glistening streets and the rain drops that were on the lens . There weren 't many people on the street even though it was a non - holiday weekday morning . I suppose they were avoiding the wet . The scaffolding is there so that the dome can be repaired and painted . It is evidently a long process because it was started in the autumn last year . I 'm pretty sure no work was done to the exterior that day . Our evening started with having dinner with friends at a good Italian restaurant in downtown Lafayette . I decided to be less adventurous than normal when eating Italian , I had the baked ravioli . It was great ! From there we moved on to the concert at The Long Center . We knew right away that the audience was excited to be there . How did we know ? Well , the director of the center came out to welcome the crowd . He started ticking off the improvements that had been made since the previous season . New curtains had been installed to reflect the original curtains from so many years ago . The audience applauded the curtains . The sound system had been upgraded . The audience applauded the sound system . A new concert grand piano had been purchased . The audience applauded the piano . He mentioned the roses in the vase that had been supplied by a local florist . The audience applauded the roses . By then I was sure that the audience was starved for entertainment . Finally he advised the audience that we were in a cell phone free zone for the duration of the concert . And so the concert began . I 'm sure that many people who read Classical Gasbag have no idea who Judy Collins is . If you are interested , she was a famous folk singer in the early 1960 's . She expanded her repertoire to include show tunes and pop music . She is now in her 70 's and is obviously still performing . As I looked around at the rest of the audience , I noticed that there was only a handful of people there who were under the age of 60 . I may be over estimating the number of people younger than 60 . Judy Collins certainly has good pipes for a woman in her seventies . The songs she sang progressed from her early music to the most recent recordings . She interspersed the songs with stories of her early and later career , dropping names of famous people as she went on . We in the audience found it charming . On Sunday afternoon I went to the movie and saw Logan with my grandson Mason . Over the past few years we have gone to a number of superhero movies together . It is something that we both enjoy . At least I think he enjoys doing it with me . I can 't think of a reason why a high school senior would want to hang out with a geezer like me rather than spend time with a high school girl . I hope we can continue spending time together like this for a long time . As I said in my post about Day 8 , I made no notes about our week in Las Vegas ; and my memory of that week is jumbled ( to say the least ) and fuzzy . So I am doing just one short post about that entire week . I 'm afraid that will have to suffice . I did manage to get up each morning and go for a walk . Mornings before the heat became unbearable were the best part of the day as far as the weather was concerned . Spending time with friends and family , not talking about what was happening in our house was the truly best part of each day . It was tough getting through an hour or two without a phone call or a text or an email about our house . On the happier side , we were able to spend a lot of time with Lee , Michelle and Wyatt . I think we celebrated Wyatt 's birthday three times that week . One of the celebrations was at a pool at our timeshare . At that rate , Wyatt is going to grow up to be like his Grandma Cindy who celebrates a birthmonth rather than a birthday . One night Cindy cooked dinner at Lee and Michelle 's home . Mary brought along a bottle of wine . I didn 't know that Lancers was still available . Mary seemed to think that it was an excellent vintage . She also enjoyed Cindy 's and Michelle 's selections . Mary once again tried to prove that in vino veritas is a constant . I was glad on the drive back to the timeshare that we kept the paper towels in the car . We usually take in at least one show when we 're in Vegas , but this time we didn 't make it . We attempted to see a play , but it was sold out . So , we went to the movies twice . First we saw Sully , in which Tom Hanks put in another fine performance . Later in the week we saw Hell or High Water . I hadn 't heard anything about that movie , but I really enjoyed it . Cindy and Lee expressed displeasure at the lack of a concrete ending , though Cindy later changed her mind . I liked the open - ended conclusion . Let me start with a confession . After we got the news about our plumbing disaster , I stopped making notes for future blog posts . Oh , I made a couple on the trip home , but not while we were in Las Vegas . I didn 't even take any pictures for the first few days of our week in Sin City . Most of the pictures I did take were of our youngest grandson , Wyatt . This is the first picture I took after our arrival three days earlier . End of confession . You may be wondering why we didn 't immediately turn around and drive back to Indiana . That 's a legitimate question . First , Trina and JR were back there , looking after our interests ; and Trina encouraged us to stay and try to enjoy our vacation . Second , Cindy had gone online with her laptop the previous evening and had filed our claim with the homeowners insurance policy that we had been paying into for twenty - six years . She had also called our Insurance Agent and left a voice mail asking her to call us back immediately . Third , we wanted to see Wyatt who would be celebrating his third birthday while we were in Las Vegas . And fourth , we had friends flying in from Indiana who would be staying at the time share with us . What could we do in Indiana ? So we drove to Las Vegas . The drive from Kingman , Arizona to Las Vegas , Nevada takes approximately ninety minutes . We were both anxious to get on the road , so we skipped the free continental breakfast , and instead got coffee and breakfast sandwiches from a fast food place . Cindy even let me drive , so I was very careful through the somewhat mountainous stretches . Cindy called ahead to our time share to find out when we could check in . They told her 4 p . m . , which meant we would be waiting a long time once we got to Vegas . So we called Lee and he told us to come to his house to wait . That was good . When we arrived , Wyatt was taking a nap and would be down for quite some time … we were not to disturb him . So we sat and talked to Lee about what was going on back in Indiana and in Las Vegas . Mary and George 's flight from Indiana would be coming in later in the day . After a while I started to get antsy , and though it was only 2 p . m . , I decided to leave Cindy with Lee and drive to the time share to see if we could get in earlier . When I got there , I was happy to learn that we could get in immediately . So I checked in , got key cards for all of us , drove to our building , and unpacked the car . It felt good to be doing something useful . The rest of the day is pretty much a blur to me . I drove back to Lee and Michelle 's . Later Cindy and I went to the airport to pick up Mary and George . We took them to the timeshare , and we went out to eat . That 's about it for my memory . I was lucky enough last week to have lunch with one of my favorite people , Kathryn . We don 't get to see each other nearly often enough , but I wanted to give her a birthday present from Cindy and me in person . As you can see in this picture , the present was a watercolor by one of our favorite artists , our granddaughter Macey . It was a great time , although we had to cut it short so that Kathryn could return to work . I 'm already wanting to set a time to see her again . Here 's an update on To beard or not to beard . Only two readers gave me feedback on whether I should grow a beard , and they were both positive . Outside of the Classical Gasbag readership I had three other positive comments and none that were negative . But here 's the thing , I don 't want to grow a full beard because keeping one trimmed can be very time consuming . But so is shaving to keep a smooth shining face . What 's a guy to do ? I am compromising and plan to keep the grizzled look for the time being . It is actually easier and less time consuming to trim the grizzle a couple of times each week . The Thumper Challenge . Remaining silent rather than say negative things is not as easy as it sounds . I was able to do it for approximately forty hours , with around twelve hours of the 40 in sleep mode . Then I lost control while watching a politician being interviewed on television . Since then it has been a struggle . I believe , however , that being aware of each infraction makes it easier to maintain in the long run . I started the challenge afresh this morning and have been able to maintain my silence . I am wondering though if I am suppressing too much of what makes me the person who I am . Should I be allowed to say those nasty things aloud when only Cindy is with me ? Or is it better for myself and the world at large if I curb my tongue ? I honestly don 't know . Finally , I was thinking late last night that maybe I would write a volume of short stories . My problem is that I tend to write the title first , and then try to create a suitable story to go with it . In fact , I started jotting down story titles without a clue as to what the story should be . Here is my list : By the way , the volume of stories would be titled The Locust Tales . If any of you would like to use one or more of these titles , feel free . All I ask is that you send me a copy of the story so that I can see how your imagery . You can reach me at houseman @ comcast . net I took this picture on Tuesday while driving back from northern Indiana . I was on a county road somewhere betwixt Lake County and home . It was a beautiful afternoon and I was listening to some great folk music . In fact I was attempting to sing along with many of the songs . Luckily my voice gave out . Tuesday was a memorable day for me . Normally , as a retired gent , I don 't have much on my schedule beyond things like " Do your laundry " or " Cook dinner for you wonderful wife . " However on Tuesday I drove up to spend time with my mother and my sister . Those trips are always memorable . If you haven 't followed my mother 's deterioration , you can read about one of my other visits in a post titled Signals from a dark place ( click on the title , it is a link ) . Mom was actually doing quite well this trip . She only mentioned a couple of her recent conspiracy theories , for which I was grateful . One of her imaginary people has been coming to the house frequently . He is one of a set of triplets . She said he had three brothers , which made me question if he wasn 't really part of a set of quintuplets , but my sister , She Who Must Not Be Named , and my brother - in - law quickly jumped in and told me not to start something . I saw the wisdom of their concern and didn 't restate my question loud enough for Mom to hear me . Like many of her imaginary people , her imaginary visitor had a wonderful singing voice . She has no trouble hearing them , but is often deaf as a stone when trying to talk to us . Sadly she doesn 't see that inconsistency . The other thing that amazes me about their singing is that to my recollection , Mom never showed any interest in music . I don 't get it . When I stopped working for the State , I took a part - time job as a clerk in a retail store in Lafayette . I was older than everybody else who worked there . One of the other people there was Kathryn , who was a young student at Purdue University . While all of the people who worked there were friendly , Kathryn was special . She went out of her way to befriend an old , full - bearded geezer who had to be taught new skills . Hmm . Maybe she thought I was Santa Claus in disguise . She , of course , has graduated and has moved back to northern Indiana where she is happily working . The sweet thing for me is that we haven 't lost touch . I don 't get to see her smiling face four or five times a week anymore , and I have cut back on my letter writing , but we do text and follow each other on Instagram . And every once in a while ( not often enough ) I get to see her when I head north . This is not the graveyard that I reference in this post . I couldn 't quickly find a photo of that one . Instead , I selected this picture from an album of graveyard images on Flickr . I just hope that I haven 't used this photo in Classical Gasbag in the past . So I had an idea this morning , and I want to get it down while it is still fresh in my mind . Some details need to be worked out , some laws ( domestic and international ) need to be investigated , and I should probably see if there is a way to make money from this idea . Please read on . Oh . Before you go to the next paragraph , let me assure you that I am in excellent health . The idea grew out of a short video that I took with my phone this morning . I was driving past a very small family graveyard and pointed my camera out of the window . It isn 't a good video , though you can hear Stan Rogers singing " Northwest Passage " in the background , so unless I can get a good still image from the video , I 'll have to go through files of graveyard photos to see if I have an image of the place . Anyway , I viewed the video when I got home and the motion brought on my idea . If you 've read this blog before , you know that I want to be cremated . My original thought was to have the cremains placed in a Mason Jar so that Cindy could take and display me everywhere she goes . Then she could , at an appropriate time , pass me down to Trina . I suppose that if Cindy wished to , she could also be cremated and have her ashes mixed with mine . Why stop there ? Why not divide the cremains ( I almost typed spoils ) and mail bits and pieces of myself to friends and family ? Then they could do what they wanted to do with me . For example , they could put me in their compost heap , or feed me to their African Violets , or mix me into a can of paint and put me on their living room wall , or … well let your imagination run wild . Of course I haven 't checked to see if there are any laws restricting the mailing of cremains . What if it was legal in the U . S . , but illegal in India ? Would my idea go all to smash ? Is this already being done ? As I said , more research needs to be done . By the way , I haven 't shared this idea with Cindy . I know that if I did she would just shake her head and give me a look of disgust . She needs to lighten up . I don 't know who took the picture at our wedding . If it was you , please let me know . You need to read around a thousand words before you get to an explanation of what is happening in the picture . Today is Cindy and my twenty - fifth wedding anniversary . Looking back I can only shake my head and wonder where the time has gone . Parts of that day seem as clear as yesterday , while other parts seem hidden behind a dense fog . For instance , it was only when drafting this post that I realized that almost all of my memories of the actual ceremony come from the videos , not from being there . But we do have the videos and still pictures that I can draw upon , as well as picking Cindy 's brain for her recollections . In 1990 , the twenty - seventh fell on a Sunday . It was race day for the Indianapolis 500 auto race . That also means that it was in the middle of the Memorial Day weekend . I don 't know why we chose that date . I do remember thinking that those facts would suppress the turnout for our wedding . That was one of my first errors in judgment . It was a beautiful day . That 's not just my memory ; pictures bear it out . I woke up early in our new home . We had bought the house a few months before , but I had stayed in my apartment in order to set a good example for Cindy 's teenaged children . Check with them so that they can explain how well that exercise went . Cindy had spent the night with friends to prepare for the big day . We had taken care of all of the arrangements for our wedding . We didn 't have a wedding planner . I 'm not sure such an occupation existed back then . Cindy was quite practical ( except for the three or four wedding dresses that she bought ) and I was cheap . We were both State employees , so there was not a lot of money to spend extravagantly . Also , we had to set funds aside for a two - week honeymoon road trip through the southwest . We arranged for the wedding ceremony to be in the Presbyterian Church in Dayton , Indiana , which is only a few miles from Lafayette . The ceremony was conducted by Dr . Paul Kitley . We chose the music ; Sandy , one of Cindy 's friends , agreed to sing ; Cody , the son of another friend , agreed to start the taped instrumentals at the appropriate times ; other friends used their video cameras to tape the event , and others took still photos ; another of Cindy 's friends , Candy , agreed to cater the reception ; I printed the order of service on the blank service forms that we purchased ; and I also made three or four tape cassettes of music that we wanted to play at the reception . We got the Moose Lodge for the reception very cheaply because I was a member ( a long story that doesn 't belong here ) . Everything seemed well in hand . I remember getting up the day of the ceremony , putting on the coffee , and thinking that this was the big one . Family members who were coming from a distance started arriving at the house . More coffee would need to be brewed . My parents , as well as Cindy 's would be staying in our house that night while we left on our honeymoon . My aunt and some cousins came to the house ; more coffee was brewed . I drove over to the Moose Lodge where Cindy , my sister ( She Who Must Not Be Named ) , and Betty ( Cindy 's first mother - in - law ( another long story that I don 't want to get into in this post ) ) were setting things up for the reception . The caterer had been in a rush to drop everything off and to get on to their next catering event . It was a larger affair that was paying her more . In her rush she erred by not leaving the potato salad ( we went inexpensive by offering cold roast beef and ham , potato salad , etc . ) and instead left cherries that were to top the dessert at the other event . Great . The caterer also promised to supply the champagne flutes for the bride and groom . The flutes weren 't to be found . So I left to buy champagne flutes on a Sunday morning in Indiana . Someone else was dispatched to buy a lot of potato chips to replace the salad . We got the reception back on track . I returned home where I took a shower and got dressed for the wedding . I climbed into my slate gray Firebird ( a bachelor 's indulgence ) and drove to the church , leading the way for the gathered families . At least I think that I did , because at this point my memory has pretty well faded completely . From this point I am relying on the video for documentation . There are a lot of people in the videos whom we had invited but didn 't expect to be there . The invitation had been more of an announcement to friends and family that we were actually going to take this enormous step . People came from out of state ! My friend Jerry and his daughter Angela drove up from Tennessee ! At one point , as people were being seated , the tape overhears Cindy 's grandmother notice Cindy 's father and says to Cindy 's mother , " Why , he can 't sit there . " They were not the best of friends . Of course he could , and did , sit there . Cindy told me that our friend , Sara , was trying to calm her before the ceremony . Sara , of course , had never been married and had no idea how unnerving a wedding could be . My mother , ever the optimist , had told Cindy that she would believe the wedding would take place when she saw us at the altar . She Who Must Not Be Named told us that she had decided that I was gay because I was in my forties and had never been married . When Cindy had told her father that I had proposed , his response was , " How did you tell him no ? " The consensus was that the marriage wouldn 't last because we were so different from each other . Little things about the ceremony stand out . Cindy was crying ( nerves ? ) . Cody fell asleep and missed his cue to start and stop the music for the singer , Sandy ( too much partying the previous night ? ) . My voice boomed out during the question / response part of the ceremony ( nerves ? ) . The extraordinary length of the final prayer ( get it over Dr . Kitley ! ) . Also , if Cindy had been wearing flats she would have set a land speed record for bolting out of the church at the end of the ceremony . Things went fine at the reception except that we hadn 't anticipated so many people showing up and we ran short of food . Lee , Cindy 's son , who acted as our DJ decided to scrap most of the music tapes that I had made and to go with music that he liked ; so long Sinatra , hello AC / DC . Betty spiked the punch and enjoyed it quite a bit . Who would have thought that woman could polka ? Cindy and I were able to spend time with our friends and family , some of whom we hadn 't seen in a long time . People started drifting away , and eventually we realized that the reception was over . Part of the deal we made to get such a cheap venue was that we had to clean up after the reception , so we and a few friends pitched in to get the place back in order . That 's when we found the caterer 's champagne flutes hidden under a table . Well , we could return them along with the cherries . I was surprised to find that the sun was still shining when we opened the door to carry out the trash . We would be able to get some miles on the road before finding a place to stay on the first night of our honeymoon . Great ! And that 's when I remembered that I had been so distracted the previous day that I hadn 't gone to the bank . Twenty - five years ago our bank didn 't offer ATM cards , and the only credit card I had was issued by a gasoline company , to be used only at gas stations . I asked Cindy if she , by any chance , had gone to the bank to withdraw money for our honeymoon . She had not . We were not getting on the road that Sunday evening . Neither were we going home , because our house was filled with parents . I normally take pictures of older , wooden barns . They have a classic look even when in disrepair . This newer structure caught my eye a few days ago . I think it is the shiny blue roof that makes it stand out enough to be photo worthy . Today marks ten years since I last drank alcohol . I didn 't write that sentence with pride , it is just a fact . It is an anniversary that I chose to share with people . Some people who read this blog are friends , but most are people whom I have never met . Some people know this story and some don 't . Let me give you a brief background before I tell you briefly of the ten years after that drink . I had been a light drinker from college to the time I lived and worked in Auburn . A busted romance tipped me into the heavy drinking column and bourbon became my best friend . I moved past that phase , but alcohol by then was an almost daily ritual . Years passed , I met and married Cindy , and while I drank after work most days , I thought that I had it under control . Then my dad got sick and eventually died . While I didn 't think that it affected my drinking or my work , I 've come to realize that I built up a lot of anger and regret surrounding his death . Adding to that , my job was the pits . I had worked for the State more than twenty - five years and had reached a point high enough that politics affected almost everything that I did . I came to hate it . I started many mornings having a drink or three just to help me go in . Of course , that didn 't work or even help matters . That brought me to the last drink ten years ago . It was the last of many drinks that morning and I was arrested and tossed into a drunk tank before I ever got to work . Actually I was put in a holding cell with a self - proclaimed paranoid schizophrenic . All that I wanted to do was sleep , and all he wanted to do was talk . And he talked for fourteen straight hours . He talked about hunting , Arbor Day , the Kennedy assassinations , television , the United Nations , beef stew , and I don 't know how many other topics . He weaved his narrative into one long , monologue in which each topic led to the next . In his mind they were all part of one story . At one point he was droning on and I was able to start to nod off . He raised his voice then and said , " Ah , my hypnosis is working . I can put anyone to sleep and give them commands . Why one time … " And off he went on another nonsensical tangent . I felt like I was being punished before I ever saw a judge . After Cindy bailed me out , things started moving rapidly . That day I was given a pre - deprivation hearing in front of the agency 's HR head and the person who would ostensibly decide my fate . Needless to say , they decided to put me on 30 days unpaid leave pending termination . While on leave a few things happened . Since I was fully vested in my retirement plan , I filled out the paperwork to get my pension . I had my day in court , and then a couple of days in jail . I lost my driver 's license for a year . I went through a course of counseling . I took a part time job while I waited for my first retirement check . I was ashamed because I had lost my job , that I had spent time in jail , and that I had let down my family and friends . For the rest of it , I have no regrets . In a short time I came to realize that losing the job was the best thing that had happened to me in many years . I learned that Cindy would stand by me and continue to love me despite the way I had screwed up our life . Some people whom I used to work with in Indianapolis avoided me from that time on , but my true friends stayed with me . My counselor , Dr . Paul Kitley , helped me realize some things about myself that I had been ignoring . My part time job brought new friends into my life ; some have become very dear friends . Do I miss drinking ? Not really . I 've had many opportunities to drink , but I 've never been inclined to buy a bottle or even take a sip . It doesn 't bother me to be around other people who are drinking unless they are loud , obnoxious drunks . Surprisingly , the only times that I think about having a drink is on a hot day after I 've cut the grass , and sometimes when a character in a TV drama pours themselves a drink . Cold water soothes me just as well as cold beer on a hot day , and as for TV … well they are obviously drinking Scotch , and I don 't like Scotch . In the past ten years I 've never been tempted by drink enough to do anything about it . So I 'm celebrating this ten year anniversary not because I stopped drinking , but because it was like turning back the clock to a happier part of my life . I 'm celebrating love of family , true friends , and new friends . I hope that you can celebrate with me . |
The last day of 2010 . This year has gone by so quickly and so much has changed . We have gone from living out of temporary lodging into a home , from a life where Scott was home just about every night to one that he spends many nights away from his family . From being homeowners to renters , from having a little one that I could still call a baby to one that is most definitely not anymore . So much happens in just one year and I am so glad that I have been able to capture our life through this blog . It hasn 't always been pretty , but it is who we are . I want our girls to be able to look back at this one day so they understand where they came from and how they became who they are . Scott and I were talking the other day about how wonderful it would be to know what our lives were like when we were this little . Sure , we know what our parents tell us , but as a parent now , I realize how quickly one forgets the little things and how easy it is to think you remember something one of your children did , only later to realize it happened , just not to the child you first thought . We aren 't perfect and so how could our memories possibly be perfect ? So , I am grateful to have the ability to capture our day to day life . I want to see if there is some way I can make a book out of this blog so the kids will have access to it when they are grown . I am so thankful for many things this past year and I look forward to 2011 being just as wonderful . It was hard starting out the year in a new place with no friends living nearby , but we have been blessed with new friends and it is starting to feel like home here now . I think Abby feels the same way . She still asks about Florida and says she wants to go back , but it doesn 't happen as often and it doesn 't seem to upset her when we tell her that isn 't possible . Mckenzie is lucky this move . She was too young to understand what was happening . This is where her first memories will come from and I hope we can make them as memorable as Abby 's are for her . Today was busy for us and started off early . 6 : Posted by Abby ended up in our bed again last night . Even though it is a big bed , it gets a little cozy in there ! And then , Mckenzie came over this morning and wanted up as well . That didn 't last long and her and I ended up downstairs getting her a yogurt . I swear that kid could live off of yogurt ! Abby came downstairs a little later , letting Scott sleep in for once . I made some pancakes for breakfast and we hung around the house today . We finally got some shelves hung up in the girls ' rooms and Mckenzie 's room is finally completed ( minus a bookcase , just need to find one I like that doesn 't cost a fortune ! ) . We still have a couple of pictures to hang in Abby 's room , I just can 't decide where to hang them . We ran to the base so Scott could pick up a few things and then we met some friends for dinner . They are in the area visiting family so we picked a place half way between to grab a bite to eat . It was great to catch up with them and so much fun to watch the kids get along so well . It was a short visit , but great nonetheless . Much less traffic on the way home and the girls were both quiet unless they were singing the Diego theme song . Both girls are in bed . Abby didn 't want to go to sleep again so I am guessing we will have a visitor sometime in the middle of the night . Posted by Abby ended up in our bed some time during the night and Mckenzie slept in . Go figure ! Scott took the car in to get an oil change and the girls and I stayed at home and played . Seems like they fought over every little thing this mornign . Gotta love those days . After lunch , I took the girls out to play in the snow . They were wearing last years snowpants which were about 3 inches too short and tennis shoes because their snow boots don 't fit any more , but they had a blast out there ! Scott came home shortly after we went out and it was so fun for all of us , Dakota included , to play outside . Abby couldn 't get enough of being the " king of the hill " and rolling down the hill or throwing snowballs . Mckenzie had a heck of a time standing up in the snow and so she decided she would roll everywhere she went . She liked throwing snowballs at me . She would get so close to me and then still miss ! It would either fall behind her as she lifted her arm to throw , or she would miss me by a mile . I love how much fun they had running around out there . Watching the dog was funny too . She would chase snowballs and then wonder where they went or take a bite out of the snow . A couple of times , we caught her rolling around in the snow . I had a follow up eye appointment this afternoon and Scott took the girls with him while he got his truck cleaned and oil changed . It seems like we have so many things we need to get done in the next few days . I ran a few errands before we met up at Best Buy . I needed to get boots for the girls as they were wearing tennis shoes earlier and their poor toes got very cold ! We went to dinner at Pei Wei ( a Chinese restaurant ) and were pleasantly surprised . It was very tasty and great service . Abby wanted to use chopsticks and did a good job doing so . A very nice lady next to us gave us the holder that makes it easier to use chopsticks . The best part was how fun Abby had using the chopsticks . Mckenzie just played with her sticks and kept dropping them . Knowing that in just a few days , our dining out experiences wilPosted by Scott had to run to work this morning to get things completely squared away for his deployment . It turns out they are letting him leave on Sunday instead of Saturday , he just had to arrange for his airline ticket . Yea for that ! Scott took Abby with him to work and said she was very good and spent her time drawing and eating tootsie rolls ! Mckenzie and I stayed at home while the housekeeper was here . I felt bad because the house was such a mess from taking down all the Christmas decorations last night . I didn 't want to have to take everything down by myself so as much as it sucked , we took things down early . We did leave the tree up because the girls were upset by the idea of everything being gone . We can take that down later this week ! Scott took both girls out on a date to Chick fil A for lunch . He said they had so much fun and made some new friends ! I ran to Target while they were out to pick up a new storage system for the toys in the playroom . Both girls were supposedly napping in our room when I got home . Turns out , they were playing in there instead . So , Abby came downstairs to play and Mckenzie took a nap . Then , it was time for us to go to the game ! Scott and I went to our first NFL game tonight . Vikings vs . Eagles . We were expecting a blowout since the Vikings have been playing terrible and Farve was still out , but it turns out the Vikings won ! ! ! ! 24 - 14 ! ! ! ! It was so fun . At first I was a little nervous to be cheering so much since every time we cheered for the Vikings , people would give us dirty looks , but finally I decided it didn 't matter ! One guy behind us joked that as long as we were in the stadium we were safe , but as soon as we got to the parking lot , there was no telling . I find it funny that people get annoyed that we wanted to cheer for our team , as though we should sit there quietly when our team did something good . Seriously people , we are fans just like you . I don 't begrudge you cheering for your team , you should have the same respect for me ! Anyway , it was a lot of fun and I am so glad thatPosted by We ended up getting about a foot of snow . It always looks so pretty when it is untouched ! It was very windy today , so we didn 't take the girls outside to play in the snow . They both wanted to go out a lot , but they were content to watch Scott shovel the driveway and sidewalk . Thank God for great neighbors who came over with their snowblower ! What a great help ! After nap , we went to Best Buy to exchange one of my Christmas gifts . It was pretty busy in there , but didn 't take too long to get in and out . We decided to go out to dinner . Shocking I know ! We went to Olive Garden for an early dinner , jokingly referring to it as my birthday dinner a little early ! ( probably won 't venture out by myself with both girls to a nice dinner on my actual birthday ! ) I think we even beat the early birds ! Thankfully the girls were well behaved at dinner . We never can predict how they are going to behave when we go out . Sometimes they are as good as gold and other times , we wish we would have stayed at home ! On the way home , Abby was kind of funny . She asked me if they could play for a little bit when we got home and considering it was only after 6pm , I agreed . Then , I heard her tell Mckenzie how it was going to go down when we got home . She basically said they could play for a little bit , but then it was time for pjs and no story tonight because they were staying up past their bedtime . I love how she thinks it is so late because it is dark outside ! It started snowing this afternoon , so we took the girls out for a little bit before it got too cold . It was pretty windy and there wasn 't much snow yet , but the girls had so much fun ! They both love playing in the snow ! We were all pretty tuckered out after that , so we took a nap . We were supposed to go to the Vikings game against the Eagles tonight , but it was postponed due to the weather . So , we made some appetizers for dinner and watched Christmas movies as a family . It was a nice relaxing day . The girls opened just about every toy they got for Christmas . Although , it seemed to me they were bored with a toy before we got all the packaging off . Mckenzie just loves driving her car around and has gotten pretty good . Abby likes to hop on the back for a ride and sometimes Mckenzie will let her ! We played Perfection tonight and Abby is starting to get the hang of it . It 's fun to see her playing with a game that I played with as a kid . I remember my sister Sarah got Perfection as a Christmas gift one year and we had so much fun playing it ! I hope Abby has good memories with it too ! Ok , it 's officially Christmas , so Merry Christmas today ! We woke the girls up because they slept in . We all came downstairs together to see what Santa had left for us . Boy was he good to the girls ! Mckenzie got a quad wheeler to ride around and Abby got a camper for her Barbie dolls , plus a bunch of other little things . Both girls were very excited for their gifts . Abby was a little disappointed at first that she didn 't get a new car to ride , but once she realized she had new Barbies and a camper , she was over it ! It was so fun to watch the girls dig through their stockings . Oh , I think their favorite Santa gift may have been the harmonica . Not sure what Santa was thinking when he sent that along ! I made an egg bake for breakfast and it turned out pretty darn tasty and it was a great way to use up some of that ham we had for dinner . We spent the day in the house , playing with all the new toys . Scott bought me a popcorn popper so I ran to the store to pick up some popcorn . Good thing Walgreen 's was open ! So , we had popcorn and watched Toy Story 3 tonight . Both girls really enjoyed watching it . Great family night ! Merry Christmas ! Ok , well , Merry Christmas Eve . What a wonderful day ! Scott got up with the girls this morning and they were so anxious to open presents . It 's hard to be so little and have to wait so long for presents ! I ran to the mall because I realized last night that I hadn 't bought the girls dresses for Christmas . I bought them outfits for our pictures that I thought we could use for Christmas as well , but after seeing them in pictures , I decided it wasn 't what I wanted for Christmas . Anyway , long story short , I managed to find matching dresses for the girls pretty quickly and even had time to pick up some Chipotle for lunch on the way home . We did nap time and then worked on preparing for dinner . We went to church this evening and then back home for Christmas dinner . I made the worst ever mashed potatoes and had to throw them out and opt for instant ones instead ! They were so bad Scott couldn 't even lie to me and say they weren 't that bad ! After dinner , we did a quick clean up and then the best part of the night . The girls got to open all their presents and it was so fun to watch ! Abby kept giving me hugs saying thank you for the great gifts and telling me how much she loved me . Her favs had to be her Olivia stuff and her zhu zhu pets . Although , she was so excited every time she opened a gift it was hard to tell what was her favorite . Mckenzie actually wanted to open her own gifts this year and enjoyed doing it . Her hands down favorite gifts were a computer and a kitty that walks and her baby dolls . When she opened her doll , she got a big smile on her face and in her sweet little voiced said " a baaaby doll ! " . This Christmas so was much fun ! Both girls were well behaved and shared their new toys with one another . I loved watching them open their gifts and seeing the smiles on their faces as they ripped off the paper . It was a wonderful night ! We let the girls stay up a little late to play with a few of their toys . Then we went outside to spread around some reindeer food for Santa 's reindeer . The girls wet ouPosted by Yay ! Both girls slept in their own beds all night long ! I forgot how restful a night of sleep can be ! I ran to the store to pick up a couple of forgotten grocery items for our dinner tomorrow . I have to say that even though there was no parking to be had at the grocery store , no space to maneuver through the aisles , it was the most peaceful and enjoyable shopping trip in a long time . Why might you ask ? Because both girls were at home with Scott and I didn 't have to push that huge car cart ! Scott had to run into work for a little bit today to get things squared away for his deployment . Mckenzie took a nap and Abby and I played a few games and I worked on the laundry . The girls had gymnastics tonight and Abby learned how to do a pike jump . She is doing great ! Mckenzie did well too , but I think she did better because Scott went onto the floor with her . Every time Mckenzie finished her circuit , she would head towards the table with stamps . Dinner out at our local restaurant and then bed for the girls . I was lucky enough to sleep on both Abby and Mckenzie 's floor last night ! Abby went back to sleep pretty quickly , but Mckenzie didn 't go back to sleep and so we have been awake since 5 ! So , Mckenzie and I went to my bed and we all watched a little tv until Abby woke up . Scott took the girls downstairs for breakfast and let me catch a few zzz 's . He is such a sweetie . I am going to be lost during his deployment : ( I made some more Christmas cookies today and lets just say , they are not as good as the ones Sheri 's Mom used to make . Not exactly sure where I went wrong . . . Maybe I will just have to order some from her next Christmas ! I was going to make some sugar cookies , but the turtle cookies took way too long and the house needed to be cleaned . So , Mckenzie took a nap and Abby played so well by herself this afternoon , letting me get the house in shape . It feels so much better around here now that all the floors are mopped . Mckenzie colored after nap , more on her hands than on the paper and Abby worked on writing her letters . She is getting so good at them and I love how proud she is of her work . Scott picked up some groceries for our Christmas dinner on his way home from work today ( I love when he grocery shops for us ! ) . We had a quiet evening and before ya know it , it was bedtime ! Abby and Scott worked on reading while I worked on colors with Mckenzie . Scott was way more successful getting Abby to read than I was at getting Mckenzie to say the right colors ! I am so proud of Abby for trying to read . Her face beamed every time she was able to sound out a word . Posted by The girls didn 't want to go anywhere this morning or get clothes on , so we stayed at home . Mckenzie prefers to be without a shirt lately , which makes it tough to get her dressed . Abby just likes to follow the crowd ! I seem to have picked up a little sinus thing so I didn 't feel like going out anyway . When Scott got home from work , I ran to the post office and to get my eyes checked . I am out of contacts and my glasses are an pretty old prescription , so things are a little blurry lately , especially at night . When I got home , we went to church for Sunday school and for caroling / cookie exchange . It was a very nice time . Abby really enjoyed going with the other kids to do some singing / lessons . Scott was trying to be nice by helping set up the chairs for the caroling part and he got yelled at by a lady for doing so . She told him not to move anymore chairs because he was doing it wrong ! Seriously ? Not very gracious if you ask me . So , we sat around until it was time to sing and for the kids to return . We met some nice people at the service and it was good to sing some Christmas songs and have fellowship . The girls were on a sugar high when we got home from the cookies so we let them run around for a little while before putting them to bed . I forgot to write the other day about Mckenzie scolding me . She came into the family room where I was sitting at the computer , hands on her hips and said " you broke it ! " very loudly , several times . I wasn 't sure what she was talking about , but luckily Scott was just a few steps behind to let me know she was talking about the dining room chair ( the arm broke off the other day ) . Didn 't realize I needed to apologize to my 2 year old when I break my things around the house ! Abby slept in our bed again last night , complaining she is scared of her room . Last time she went through a phase like this , we lived in Florida and ended up scaring away all the monsters by blowing kisses all around her room . I hope this time it doesn 't last as long ! Our morning got off to a late and slow start . Mckenzie slept until 8 and Abby woke up after 9 ! I like to sleep in , but I feel like the whole day is wasted . I don 't know when that change happened , I used to love sleeping in until noon ! Scott headed into work and the girls and I stayed at home . It is just too cold to play outside and I think the girls are getting a little tired of playing inside . When Scott got home , we all headed to Target and to the grocery store . Mckenzie was so tired she fell asleep in the cart at Target ! Abby and I did the grocery shopping by ourselves because Mckenzie decided she didn 't want to and preferred to sit in her carseat and watch a movie . It made it easy for me . Grocery shopping with an almost 5 year old is easy ! I made some baby back ribs for dinner tonight and they were pretty darn tasty . Even Abby liked them ! Mckenzie ate them , but she wasn 't too happy about it ! Mckenzie has started copying Abby 's actions and words a lot more lately and it is starting to bug Abby . I don 't know how many times a day I hear " don 't copy me Mckenzie " . It is so hard to explain to Abby that it is normal for Mckenzie to copy people so that she learns how to behave . Scott was tickling both girls earlier and it is so funny to listen to them . Both girls beg to be tickled and two seconds later , they are saying they can 't take it anymore ! Abby had her Holiday Happenings party ( aka Christmas party , but apparently it is no longer acceptable to call it a Christmas party ) at school today . Both girls had so much fun . Santa showed up and there were snacks and crafts for the kids . Abby and her little friend jumped right up on Santa 's lap and Abby told him she wanted a barbie . Whew ! At least she will be getting one thing she has asked for lately . Mckenzie was a little bashful , but Scott set her on Santa 's lap and in no time she was smiling . What a great party for all the kids . Our photographs that we had taken earlier this month arrived so we picked them up on the way home from the party . Great photos and she was kind enough to give Scott a brag book that is small enough that he will be able to take it with on his deployment . I am so happy with the quality of the photos and I am so glad we took the time to have them taken . Scott and I had a squadron Christmas party tonight and it turned out to be a pretty good time . The invitation stated you could wear semi holiday casual or dress silly . Scott talked to quite a few guys who said they were dressing silly , so we thought it would be fun to get some ugly sweaters too . Well , when we walked into the country club , I asked Scott where his party was because everyone was dressed in suits and in very nice dresses . I felt very out of place . Scott on the other hand , didn 't care and owned his very ugly turtleneck . I guess we will know for next year that we need to dress nice ! It was great to get out and have a date night . We don 't get out that often so it is always a treat ! I will post the ugly sweater pics when I find the usb cord for my camera . Posted by The girls and I had a couple of errands to run this morning and then we stopped to grab lunch at Chick fil A . The girls were so excited to get to play . It has been so cold and damp here lately that we haven 't been playing outside and they really miss doing that . After lunch we came home and played until it was time for gymnastics . It started snowing outside today and Abby kept begging to go out and play . We didn 't go it because I thought it was too cold . Abby was very disappointed , but she got over it by sitting in her window watching the snow fall . Traffic was ridiculous on the way to gymnastics tonight and we ended up being 20 minutes late ! I realize it was snowing , but that doesn 't mean you have to drive 10 miles per hour in a 50mph ! We went out to a restaurant for dinner and the girls were really good . Mckenzie even sat in a high chair for the entire meal . That doesn 't make much sense to me . For the longest time , she refused to sit in a high chair , instead preferring to sit on our lap or her knees and now that she is old enough to not use a high chair , she wants to sit in one . Silly kids . The snow has stopped and it was actually pretty nice out this evening . I am hoping to wake up to warmer temps and no snow . Lets see how that goes ! Scott went to school with Abby today . Abby was so excited he went with her . It sounds like they had a great morning together . I am so glad they got to have that time together before Scott leaves . Mckenzie and I stayed in this morning and I actually had a chance to work on Christmas cards . Didn 't get them finished , but there is always tomorrow . When I picked Abby up this afternoon , her teacher commented about how quiet she was when Scott was in class with her . We came home and played again . The girls lined up the dining room chairs and played church and school . Abby kept calling me Barb while we played school . She loves being the teacher . Poor Mckenzie has to do whatever Abby tells her . Usually she doesn 't care . Scott stayed home with the girls this evening while I went out to finish Christmas shopping and to look for a couple of ugly Christmas sweaters for a holiday party this Friday . I was amazed at how hard it was to find ugly sweaters ! I thought they were everywhere since I see so many of them . I ended up finding a terrible sweater vest for myself and a turtleneck for Scott . We are going to be so cool ! It was so nice to shop by myself . We went over to a friend 's house for a playdate and lunch today . The girls had lots of fun playing and got along really well . Abby and Mckenzie both threw a little fit when it was time to go , but settled down pretty quickly after I told them they wouldn 't get to come back if they kept acting that way . I was going to make some more cookies today , but the grocery store near our house didn 't have all the ingredients necessary so I guess it will have to wait another day . We came back home and veged out the rest of the day , playing games and coloring . When Scott got home , we had dinner and a movie in the family room . We watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs . Cute show . Abby enjoyed it and wanted to stay up to watch another movie . Another cold Monday . I am so not ready for this cold weather . I wish it were summer again . . . Mckenzie and I dropped Abby at school and took care of a couple of errands . A couple of boys at the grocery store loaded my stuff into my car so I didn 't have to stand out in the cold . What a nice treat that was . I always took it for granted in Florida when the bag boys carried your groceries out for ya . I really miss that extra service ! A pretty quiet day around here . Just laundry and cleaning and playing with the girls . I made homemade beef stew tonight and it actually turned out pretty good . I am loving the crock pot ! It forces us to eat at home if I already have something cooking . We are so terrible about eating out or ordering in . Scott went out with some friends from work to watch the Vikings game tonight . Mckenzie was great about going to bed tonight . Abby , not so much . She kept telling me she wasn 't tired and then she decided she was going to stay up until I went to bed . I think she is asleep now . I 'm not sure , but she has been quiet and hasn 't come out of her room for awhile now . No pics today . Maybe tomorrow . . . Mckenzie was restless last night so Scott ended up sleeping on her floor . Luckily , everyone slept in this morning after our long day yesterday . Abby woke up first and asked to watch tv in our room . I said yes so then she asked if she could have cold cereal while she watched tv . I said yes to that too . She ran downstairs to get her breakfast herself and returned with just the box of cereal wanting to eat it straight from the box . Silly girl ! At least it is one less dish to wash ! We all finally got going for the day , but didn 't do much at all . Scott was disappointed that the Vikings game was postponed since he was actually going to get to watch it on tv today . Crazy thing that the roof of the dome collapsed ! Glad nobody was injured . Mckenzie was in such a loving mood today and kept giving me big hugs . Abby too . I love moments likeAfter lunch , Scott took the girls out to do a little Christmas shopping and I took a nap . I love taking naps ! We took the easy way out for dinner and ordered in . Gave the girls a bath and sent them off to bed . Scott and I picked up the house tonight . I don 't know how this house can get so messy every day ! Blows my mind ! What an adventurous day ! We decided to take the girls to NYC to see the tree in Rockefeller Center . After breakfast and a bath , we headed to the train station . The girls were good on the trip there . Abby spent most of her time watching the " beautiful " scenery . Her words , not mine . The train doesn 't run through the nicest areas . When we got to NYC , it was a beautiful day . The weather was perfect for walking around . We took the girls to get some lunch and then walked around . We stopped in the Hershey store and got the girls some candy . There were so many people out and about . There were lines to get into many of the stores and the streets were difficult to navigate with two strollers ! The store windows were decorated for the holidays and it was so neat to see them . Some were absolutely gorgeous ! We made it to the tree and it was a mob scene . But , we got to see the tree ! I can check that one off my bucket list ! Mckenzie had fallen asleep but she woke up just before we were leaving the area so she got to see it too . Abby was upset we couldn 't get closer . Scott and I were wishing we had been smarter and chosen a better day to go ! We walked down to FAO Schwartz and there was a huge line to get into the store , but luckily , we got right in since we had strollers . There were so many toys . Abby loved the Barbie stuff and Mckenzie just looked around at everything . We stopped for dinner at the Brooklyn Diner . Nice place , but way overpriced ! The kids ' meals must have been $ 15 a piece ! We made our way back to the train station . Mckenzie was getting tired and grumpy . She wanted to walk instead of riding in her stroller . Then she wanted to be carried . Abby was great and didn 't complain at all . She is really growing up ! We made it onto the train just in time and found our seats . Both girls were restless on the train , but it was understandable since it was past bedtime . Our train stopped on the tracks and we were told we were delayed for just a little bit . The girls were playing around , moving from seat to seat and Mckenzie fell o So the tree is behind us , but we couldn 't get a good pic of us and the tree ! Scott had a late sim last night and didn 't get home until after midnight . But , he passed his sim check so that is good ! Both girls had a great night and Mckenzie came over to our room around 7am and fell back to sleep . Scott took Abby to school and Mckenzie slept until 9 : 30 ! The house was so quiet ! I didn 't know what to do . I started working on addressing Christmas cards , but only got a couple done before Mckenzie woke up . Abby had a great day at school and she was so excited to see us when Mckenzie and I picked her up . I love her loud squeals when she sees us ! Abby saw Mckenzie was wearing a different coat than she had been and wondered where her new coat was . When we got home , I showed Abby her winter coat and she decided she didn 't like it and she would prefer to have a coat just like her sister . It turned into this huge tantrum and she ended up in time out . She behaved much better the rest of the day and even apologized ( unprompted ) for her behavior last night , saying from now on she would eat her dinner so she wasn 't hungry at bedtime . I baked some peanut butter blossoms today and both girls helped me . I think we may have gotten more ingredients on the floor , but they love to help me bake . Once we had the batter mixed , Mckenzie 's job was to unwrap all the Hershey 's kisses and Abby got to roll the dough in sugar and put them on the cookie sheet . Both did a great job of helping and it made baking much more fun . This is the first year I have truly enjoyed holiday baking . I have always done it in the past but it always seemed like so much work . Not this year . It has been fun for me and I hope when the girls are older , they remember baking cookies with me as part of the Christmas tradition . After dinner tonight , the girls performed songs for Scott and I . Abby set up the fireplace hearth as their stage and both girls took turns singing or in Abby 's case , just talking . Abby started out singing and then she stopped and said " I 'm just going to talk " and started talking about all sorts of random stuff . About how if wePosted by We spent a lot of time running errands today . We drove to the base to do a couple of things there . The first errand took forever and the girls got tired of waiting . There were getting tired and they were hungry . Then we had to run to the clinic to get a referral renewal for Mckenzie 's optometry appointment in January . I had tried to do it earlier , but they wouldn 't let me and today when I got there , the lady told me ( after waiting several minutes for the lady to finish up a personal conversation ) that I had to do it over the phone now . They no longer did the paper form . Seriously ? Then why the heck did you tell me to come back to fill out the paperwork last time I was there . So , now all of us girls were cranky and ready to head home . We picked up lunch since we had only a short amount of time before we needed to be at Abby 's dentist appointment . That went very well . Abby went back by herself and sat very still while they x - rayed her tooth . Good news , the discoloration is normal and her tooth shouldn 't fall out any sooner than expected . Yay ! When we got home , we made a gingerbread house . The girls had so much fun eating the frosting and decorations . I think it turned out pretty well for our first house ! The girls were a bit feisty about bedtime tonight . Abby suddenly decided that she was starving and Mckenzie didn 't want to go to bed either . I kept going back and forth between the rooms and it took quite awhile before both girls settled down for the night . I hope tomorrow night is better : ) Abby was very excited to get back to school today . When I dropped her off , I overheard her tell her teacher how much she missed her . I am so glad Abby enjoys school and her teachers . I hope she will continue to enjoy her education throughout her lifetime . Our day was pretty quiet . Kenzie was in the middle of eating her lunch when she decided she was tired and it was time to go to her bed . When we got upstairs and into her bed , she looked at me and told me she was no longer tired , but she was hungry . So , back downstairs we went to finish her lunch . She ended up falling asleep on the couch for about 45 minutes before I had to wake her to pick up Abby from school . Abby gave me the biggest hug today when she got out of class . I love when she does that ! I asked her what they were doing in school today and she told me she couldn 't tell me because it was a secret . She has been very good at keeping the secret all day too . We played outside for a little bit this afternoon , but the wind was so chilly . Mckenzie is like me and doesn 't like the cold . She kept going inside for a few minutes at a time to warm up and then she was ready to be back outside for a few more minutes . I made hot chocolate for the girls when we came in , but neither one touched their drink . Scott was home earlier today than normal . What a nice change . I had a headache so he was nice enough to keep the girls entertained while I took a short nap . We went out to dinner . After finding mouse droppings in the kitchen , I am not really in the mood to be eating from there . I would prefer to move out until I was sure there were no more mice in this place . I don 't like mice and I don 't want mice around the girls . Scott has set more traps but he thinks the droppings were from the mice we already caught . I hope so . We haven 't caught any since he set the traps last night so I am praying we have seen the last of the mice . We tried out a different restaurant tonight . It was decent . They had a good salad bar , but the steak was nothing to brag about . It was late by the tiBarb Abby slept through the night and has been feeling fine all day long . I am so glad she seems to be over whatever bug she had yesterday ! Mckenzie had a very restless night and I ended up sleeping on her floor . She slept in until 1030 this morning ! I can 't believe she slept that long ! We spent a quiet day at home . The girls played while I did some cleaning . I made an appointment for Abby to get her tooth checked out by the dentist . A couple weeks ago , her tooth collided with another girl 's head and it is now slightly discolored . I hope she isn 't going to lose it too early and I hope she does ok at the dentist . After getting her filling , she said she never wanted to go back . I hope this appointment makes her remember seeing the dentist isn 't a bad thing . I made baked potato soup tonight for the first time and it was tasty ! Mckenzie didn 't care for it ( I guess she prefers the watered down Campbell 's soup version ) and Abby only ate a little bit . But , it was really good and very easy to make . Scott and Abby played Connect 4 after dinner while Mckenzie laid down on with me . She was squirming around and before I knew it , she was sound asleep on my chest ! Scott carried her up to bed and she didn 't even wake up ! Whew ! What a long day ! It started off nice with breakfast at home and then off to church . We tried out the contemporary service today that caters to the kiddos . It was a bit different , but Abby really seemed to enjoy it so I think we will go to that service again next week . The sermon wasn 't as good this week and both Scott and I were very disappointed . It seemed more like a rant than a sermon and I hope this was just a one time thing . We came back home for a bit and then brought the kids back to the church . The youth group was offering babysitting this afternoon for the kids . Abby was excited to go and couldn 't wait to get there . Mckenzie acted excited , but Scott and I were betting that she wouldn 't want to stay . Turns out we were wrong . She didn 't cry or whine when we left . Scott and I went to finish Christmas shopping for the girls . I only have to order one gift and the girls are done ! ! ! ! It was nice to get in and out of the store quickly without anyone whining or having to use the restroom ! We then grabbed some lunch at one of our favorite places and watched some Vikings football ! It was nice to be able to watch a winning game without the distractions we normally have at home . When we picked the girls up from the church , I peeked through the door window first just to see the kids . Mckenzie was having fun , talking to another little girl . Abby was kind of off by herself , sucking her thumb and holding lambie ( that should have been my first cue something wasn 't right with her ! ) . Both girls were excited to see us and Abby didn 't want to leave . The kids got to make some crafts and watch movies . It sounded like they had a lot of fun and we may have found a couple of babysitters out of the whole thing too ! Mckenzie fell asleep on the ride home and took a short nap . I took a nap too while Scott and Abby just hung out . Scott and the girls were headed out to the store when poor Abby threw up in the foyer . When I told her she couldn 't go to school tomorrow , she was so disappointed . That upset her more than throwing up ! SBtw , we got the proofs today from our photos taken last week . I will attach the link if you want to see the pictures . It is only good until Tuesday so you have to check it out quickly ! http : / / www . emaphotography . com / slideshow / riley / A wonderful Saturday morning . The girls both slept in which was very nice . Now , if only we didn 't have to get up so many times in the middle of the night with both of them . Abby ended up sleeping in our bed again . I have no idea what time she came over but I have given up on sending her back to bed . It takes way more effort to get her back to sleep in her own room than it does to let her sleep with us . I forgot to move Buddy the Elf last night before we went to bed , so I had to race downstairs before the girls saw he hadn 't moved ! We had a late breakfast and then headed out to run some errands . We were looking at toys in the store today and the girls seemed to want everything ! It is so fun to watch them play with the toys . I know most days I am very impatient when it comes to them playing in the store , but having Scott along made it much easier ! We spent most of the afternoon driving around . Both girls fell asleep in the car on the drive home . We spent the rest of the evening hanging out at home , playing games with the girls . At dinnertime , Abby and Mckenzie decided to share a bowl of food and Abby fed Mckenzie . It was cute to watch them share so well . Mckenzie had another one of her terrible fits . I hope this isn 't going to be a very long , drawn out phase that she is going through . It is very cold here and I guess that means winter had really set in : ( Scott didn 't have to work until later this morning , so I took Abby to school by myself . I like my alone time with her because it is so rare these days . I miss our one on one time before Mckenzie came along , but I wouldn 't change that for anything . I just need to be better at spending time with each child separately . After class , the girls and I had a playdate at Chick fil A . The girls were both so excited when I told them . It was cute to watch ! They all had a great time playing and did so without any major problems . Mckenzie got scared one time when she got separated from Abby and she was surrounded by a bunch of other kids . But , a few minutes of mommy time and she was good to go . Oh , and the pacifier helped a little too ! We ran to Target to pick up a step stool for Mckenzie 's bed , but they were out of stock . Seriously ? ! I really need one and they only have the single step stools , not the double . I will have to see if I can find one tomorrow . The kids were misbehaving so much that I didn 't want to keep looking . We can home and Mckenzie fell asleep on the drive . I was able to put her up in her room and she took a nap . Abby and I had fun playing piano and singing together . I played We Wish You a Merry Christmas while she sang . I think she could have kept singing all day long ! It was so fun ! When Mckenzie woke up , we had to run an errand and then we stopped at the Hallmark to pick up our Elf on The Shelf . It is this great book that comes with an elf that watches over the children during Christmas and then he reports their behavior to Santa . So , every night , the elf flies to the North Pole to talk with Santa and then he reappears in a different spot in your house each day . I think it will be a neat tradition to start . The girls named him Buddy . If left to their own devices , I am not sure what they would have named him , but I placed plenty of hints for the name so that is what they picked ! Abby always seems to pick out of the ordinary names for her dolls that I can 't pronounce , so I wanted something a little easier foBuddy the Elf ! We had family photos taken today . I wanted to get some pictures of Scott and the girls before he leaves . I know he is going to be safe , but I would never , ever forgive myself if something happened to him and the girls didn 't have a recent picture taken with him . The gal who took our photos was great . She really seemed to connect with the kids . Mckenzie didn 't want to cooperate towards the end , but she found a way to make it work . Abby , of course , loved having her picture taken by herself . She loves to pose and she had plenty of opportunity to do that today . I am so excited to see the pictures . She said we should have them in a few days ! When we got home , Scott took apart the crib ( for the last time ) and put up Mckenzie 's big girl bed ! I am happy and sad all at the same time . We closed a chapter in our life today . We have no more babies in our house . I am excited though , that we have a preschooler and a toddler running around . They are so much fun and I thank God for them every day . Mckenzie liked her new bed , but she can 't get up without a step yet . One of the things I forgot to buy for her room . Guess I will need to go to Target tomorrow ! Scott had to fly tonight , so the girls and I spent the afternoon together . I was busy sorting through Mckenzie 's clothes and the girls , for the most part , were playing very nicely together . I heard a few disagreements , but they managed to work most of them out themselves . The last one though , was a doozey ! Mckenzie wanted Abby 's leapster and threw the biggest fit I have ever seen her throw . She was screaming and crying so loudly and for so long , I didn 't know what to do . Holding her , singing to her , none of it worked . She finally ran to our bathroom to be alone and instead of following her , I let her be . A minute or two later , she ran to me and crawled onto my lap and eventually , she fell asleep . I was blown away by her tantrum . She has never acted like that before and Abby has never had a tantrum like that either . So , she took her first nap on her big girl bed this afternoon aPosted by Scott trapped another unwanted visitor this morning . I hope this isn 't a sign that we have lots of mice living in our house . If we find more , I may be living in a hotel until the problem is fixed ! After dropping Abby at school , Mckenzie and I headed out to run errands . It was so cold and rainy and windy that I would have rather gone home and turned on the fireplace , but we were all out of milk and the girls love their milk ! So , we did a little Christmas shopping and picked up a few more things for Mckenzie 's big girl room . We came home and hung out for a little while . I was talking on the phone and noticed the family room was very quiet . Turns out Mckenzie had fallen asleep on the floor . She looked so sweet that I couldn 't wake her . This afternoon , the girls and I started making Christmas treats . They helped me make chocolate covered pretzels . I think they preferred eating the chocolate over actually making the treat ! Posted by It was a pretty calm day around here . Laundry and cleaning . The girls both fell asleep while I was doing some work . They looked so sweet asleep on the couch . They had gymnastics this evening . I am so surprised at the strength Abby has gained . I am so proud of how hard she works at it . Mckenzie too , although tonight she was a little hard to reign in . Posted by Another Monday . . . Abby did great when I dropped her off today . I am glad she was in a good mood to go to school today . Mckenzie and I hung out at the house . We did a little cleaning and a little Care Bears watching . She loves them ! I did a little more online Christmas shopping today . I am trying to avoid buying all toys this year . I want to get them things they can use for a long time . Scott was done with work early today so I went to pick Abby up by myself . We took the girls to the park this afternoon . The girls and I played while Scott went for a run around the track . Abby wanted to run too , so we all did a lap together . She is quite the little runner . Barely winded after running over a half mile ! This evening we worked on the tree mural for Mckenzie 's bedroom . It is almost finished ! I am so excited to see the finished product ! Mckenzie must have liked it too because she hugged the wall ! Today we got up early and went to church . It is the first time we have been to church here . It was a very friendly church and the message was good too . The pastor talked about making the most of each day , asking yourself at the end of the day if you made a difference in anyone 's life and living through God everyday . He was able to keep the message short without skimping on the message . Very enjoyable ! And the kids behaved ! I mean , no tantrums , no loud talking . It was amazing ! ! ! I think next week we will check out the contemporary service a little later in the morning . Our kids were the only ones at the early service and I would like for them to have some interaction too . We did breakfast at a nearby diner which was pretty good too . We have eaten dinner there before , but not breakfast . We came home and hung out the rest of the day , watching football and playing with the kids . I ended up taking both girls with me to the grocery store since the Vikings game was on and the kids didn 't want to stay home . I should have left them at home . It was not a fun trip . Mckenzie fell asleep in the cart and Abby complained the entire time that she couldn 't walk anymore . Scott finished painting Mckenzie 's bed frame today so now we just need to get it together . I am hoping by this weekend , her big girl room will be ready ! I can 't wait for it to all come together ! We put up the rest of the Christmas decorations today . I can 't find Mckenzie 's stocking anywhere ! I am going to have to order her another one . I hope I can find one to match ours . We ran out to get a few more decorations for the house . I think it looks ok now . We ate dinner out tonight . I was sick of turkey . I am not sure I can stand more more turkey sandwich ! When we got home , the girls played together so nicely . They were having races and playing with dolls together . I love the moments they get along so like that and the little laughs I hear coming from them . Warms my heart ! Both girls are fighting bedtime yet again . I don 't know what is going on with them ! I would love to go to bed early if it meant someone else was going to stay up to get the house in order ! We decorated the Christmas tree today . It was so much fun this year . Both Abby and Mckenzie got into helping put the ornaments on the tree ( especially Abby ) . I had a hard time at first because all the decorations were on the bottom of the tree , but as soon as I looked at the girls ' faces , I realized it didn 't matter where they put the ornaments . It only mattered that they had a good time decorating . We didn 't get around to putting up all the other decorations . It is our first year in this house and I don 't know where to put things . We plan to do it tomorrow . I went out to do a little shopping in the afternoon and got everything I had planned on getting but one thing . I then got my hair cut and highlighted for the first time in over a year ! It felt so nice to get it done . It isn 't exactly what I wanted but it is exactly what the stylist said she was going to do . I just couldn 't picture it when she was describing her plan to me . Scott took the girls out to Target to get some candy canes for the tree and then stopped over at Chick fil A for dinner . The girls had so much fun playing and Mckenzie made it to the top of the steps all by herself . The girls got to pick out a movie to watch for movie night and stayed up late to watch it . It was fun , but both girls didn 't want to go to bed afterwards and made for a long night of trying to get them to sleep ! Happy Thanksgiving ! I have so much to be thankful for this year ~ two amazing little girls , a husband that I adore with my whole heart , great family , friends . We are so blessed I could spend a very long time listing all I am thankful for ! The day was pretty relaxed . I cooked a turkey and it turned out pretty darn good if I may say so myself ! The kids helped me make cranberry sauce which neither of them liked . Scott doesn 't like cranberries either so I have plenty of leftovers for myself ! The girls didn 't like the pumpkin cheesecake I made either , but I anticipated that and had ice cream for them ! We got a little snow this morning , but it melted by the time it landed . It was beautiful and we took the girls outside for a couple of minutes before it got too wet ! Abby was sad there wasn 't enough to play in ! Mckenzie wasn 't to sure what to think . The girls are in bed for now . Both struggled with going to bed and each lost a favorite toy because they weren 't settling down . I feel like such a nag but if they don 't learn consequences now , I can 't imagine how unruly they will be when they are teenagers ! Tasting the snow . Today Abby had her Thanksgiving Feast at school . Mckenzie and I headed back to celebrate with her . It was very sweet . The kids were all wearing feather hats and pilgrim shirts made from brown paper bags that they had made . They also sang a cute song . Leaves are falling , Leaves are falling . On the ground , on the ground . Rake them in a pile , rake them in a pile . Then jump in . Then jump in . Very cute ! Abby said break instead of rake . Reminds me of how little she still is . I sometimes forget that she is still very young when I compare her to Mckenzie . Abby was kind enough to share her feast with her sister and got glowing praise from her teacher for doing it without being asked . It was so nice to see her sharing so easily . It isn 't always like that at home ! At the end of class Mckenzie joined Abby on the circle rug where the kids wait to be excused from class . Mckenzie and I headed back home and I put Mckenzie down for a quick nap . After class , the girls and I made some sugar cookies . I traced around their hands to make turkeys and then we frosted them and put candy corn on them . I think both girls ate more candy corn and raw cookie dough than actual baked cookies ! Abby wouldn 't eat the one she frosted because she likes her cookies plain . They both had so much fun . We did bath time and played around for awhile before dinner . I was hoping Scott would make it home in time to have dinner with us , but the kids couldn 't hold out any longer . But he did make it home in time to play with the girls a little bit and read them a bedtime story . That is what matters . Abby was so excited to see him . Mckenzie too . Posted by |
In a single moment , everything could change . It was a single moment in which the accident occurred . Dave had been driving Blaine to work when the truck came barreling into them . It had spun the car around and sent them crashing into a light post . Blaine 's side of the car had taken the blow from the post . He had been unconscious for some time with severe injuries . Dave hadn 't even lost consciousness and had only come out of it with minor cuts and bruises . It only took a single moment for Blaine to open his eyes , when he finally woke up . In that moment , Dave realized that Blaine had absolutely no memory of the past ten years . " Karofsky ? " he asked , using Dave 's last name , something he hadn 't called him by in forever . " What are you doing here ? " It was then that doctors pieced together the fact that Blaine 's brain had regressed to his second year of college . Dave hadn 't become part of Blaine 's life again until a few months before both of their graduation dates . They had become friends easily then . Dave was out of the closet and far away from his senior year suicide attempt . Blaine was sweet , lovable and still had a lot more experience in the " ways of the gay . " He helped Dave out of a lot of uncomfortable situations . Now , a couple years out of school , they were close friends . The only problem was Aaron . Blaine was dating Aaron , a man who Dave immediately hated . He knew deep down in his heart that the bruises he found on Blaine 's body had been made by that man 's hands . Blaine was also about five months pregnant with Aaron 's child . It was a miracle that both Blaine and his unborn child had survived the crash . Blaine also didn 't remember Aaron or the obvious abuse he denied to Dave and anyone else who would listen . Dave had taken control of the moment and within that very moment he made a huge mistake on instinct . " Oh God Blaine , you don 't remember , " he whispered , concocting an instant lie . " Blaine , it 's been almost ten years since then . You 're almost twenty - eight . You and I have been together … like … five years now … " The Chapter 2 The cab they took pulled up at Dave 's apartment . Blaine tentatively leaned his head against Dave 's shoulder as they arrived . Dave was sure that his lie was going to be exposed , but he tried his best to remain calm . " Now , don 't freak out over the small size , " Dave warned Blaine , chiding him gently , like a lover would . It was just too easy to act like he 'd loved Blaine for years . " I know that you hate it , but we 've been working to get better . " Blaine nodded with a childish wonder in his eyes that made Dave feel so damned guilty . The cab driver opened the door and Dave got out first so that he could help Blaine . Blaine 's stomach clearly showed his predicament . Blaine gripped his arm tightly as they walked up to the door . Dave opened it with his key , swallowing and praying to a God he wasn 't sure he believed in that he wasn 't exposed for the rotten liar that he was , at least not yet . They walked into the apartment together . Dave turned on the light , watching as Blaine blinked . He frowned and squinted , like he was trying so hard to remember . He frowned , when he evidently couldn 't , and continued to look around . " It may be small , " Blaine said , " but I can 't imagine ever complaining about this place . It just feels comfortable . I feel like I 'm home , really , Dave . It 's amazingly … warm and home - like . " Dave felt the guilt rise up in his chest again as Blaine spoke , but at the same time he felt reassured that he did the right thing . Blaine felt at home with him , even though he had never called the place home before . Blaine had never felt safe in his own home . Even if Dave was an awful person , it would work . It would work and Blaine and the baby would be happy and taken care of . The rest of the day they spent together was very peaceful . Blaine tried so hard to remember and Dave assured him that the memories would come to him , while simultaneously praying that they never did . That night Dave watched Blaine sleep and thought about the past . He thought about the way Blaine would hide the bruises , the way that he would flinch awayChapter 3 Blaine slept well in the bed that he and David shared . It was comfortable , but not familiar in the slightest . He hated the feeling of disconnect . After Dave got up for work , Blaine laid in bed , trying to remember . He stroked his stomach . Even if the rest of his memories were gone , he should have remembered his own baby . He was having a baby and he could not remember a thing . His emotions surged and a lump formed in his throat . It was evident that the child had a lot of love . Dave must have been a great father . Blaine couldn 't imagine how one man could make so much progress in his life but he had seen the love in his eyes . " Your daddy must love you so , so very much , " he whispered to his stomach . He thought about the years he missed . Dave only gave him a little at a time , for fear of jolting him into remembering too fast , but it at least pieced together a solid story . He had broken up with Kurt during his senior year of high school . Kurt , according to Dave , had gone on to a very successful career in fashion design . It wasn 't quite the dream he had in high school , but it came naturally . Dave said they still emailed back and forth now and again , but weren 't in solid contact . He and Dave had met at the end of college and started dating . They had been tentative and nervous first but they had just hit it off . Dave worked as a counselor and Blaine had been between jobs but held a degree in music education . He wanted to become a high school music teacher after the baby was born . It seemed very … realistic , but he knew that his head was ten years younger . It was so aggravating . He was still exhausted . It took him the strong urge to go to the bathroom to get out of bed . He crawled out of bed reluctantly , yawning and rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand . He stretched and then went to use the restroom . He finished and walked into the living room . He wished he could remember something , anything from his past with David . He stepped over to the television . Next to it there was a framed picture of them . It seemed pretty receChapter 4 Dave hated himself . How was he going to explain to Blaine that he 'd lost most of his friendships because of Aaron ? How was he going to get Blaine 's friends to see him when they knew the truth and would reveal Dave 's lie ? He was such an awful liar and he couldn 't help hate himself for it . He had nobody to go to . He had friends , but nobody who would understand . There was nobody that he could confide in over his heinous actions . There was no sane person on earth who would be okay with manipulating an amnesiac pregnant man into a relationship . He shouldn 't have lied . He shouldn 't have manipulated Blaine . All he had to do was tell Blaine how much he loved him and wanted him safe . He could have used the accident as a way to get into Blaine 's mind , uncorrupted by Aaron 's abuse . Dave kept up his day to day . He went to work as a youth counselor , a job in which he couldn 't exactly slack off . It was hard , however , to help his kids when his mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Blaine . He was really scared that Blaine 's memories would come back to him . He was alone with his own lies and deception and he was honestly starting to hate himself more by the second . It got even worse when Blaine started to initiate boyfriend - like contact . After work , just a week into the charade , Blaine joined him on the sofa and started to kiss him . He was practically on Dave 's lap . When Dave pushed him away , his look vaguely resembled that of a kicked puppy . " Is something wrong ? " Blaine asked delicately . He looked scared , afraid that he had done something inappropriate . Dave felt terrible . " Should I … " Dave stopped him with a gentle , chaste kiss and a lie . " No , I just … I felt weird about you doing that kinda stuff when you don 't remember . It 's like I 'm taking advantage of you . " It was sick , when he considered that the real way he was manipulating Blaine was much worse . " Oh … " Blaine mumbled . " Well , yeah , I don 't remember it , but I know how I feel about you . I hoped it would bring back some good memories . " Dave was pretty sure that the only thChapter 5 The moment Blaine walked out of the waiting room , he saw Dave . The tests had taken several hours , but of course the man had waited . He was that dedicated and that wonderful . There was no way that he could have ever done anything to hurt Blaine . His eyes lit up when he saw Blaine appear and he immediately got to his feet . " Blaine , " he said . " How are you doing ? How 's the baby ? What did the doctor say ? " Blaine almost found it hard to answer . He was too busy thinking about what he 'd found out and how it related to Dave . " The baby is doing fine , " he said . " I 'm very lucky there was no damage to my abdominal area at all . I did have some bleeding when the accident occurred but the doctor says that 's cleared up . " He nodded slowly . " What about the MRI ? The brain stuff … " " Well obviously there was some damage , " Blaine said . He knew that his voice sounded dark and cynical , but he was thinking about dark things . " Everything seems to be healing though . They 're still unsure if I 'll ever get my full memory back . There may be some partial regain soon , though , I hope . " He gauged Dave 's reaction to that . Dave seemed optimistic but there was some hesitance in his tone . " Oh Blaine that 's fantastic , " he said . It seemed to be sincere . Blaine just didn 't know what to think , however . " Can you go home now ? " Blaine nodded , slowly . " I need to come back in a week , " he said , looking at Dave . " Let 's go . " He didn 't want to suspect Dave of anything awful , but he wanted answers . He just didn 't know how to find the answers without directly asking Dave , which instinct told him was a very , very bad idea . He needed to figure this out on his own . The entire drive home was quiet . There was a tense silence between them , something that Blaine couldn 't stand . He couldn 't find it in him to speak , however . He was just too exhausted and honestly scared . He wasn 't sure that he was scared Dave was hurting him or anything serious like that , either . He was just scared of not knowing . " Blaine , are you okay ? " Dave 's words made him open his eyes . " Yes , I 'm fine , " hChapter 6 Blaine waited for Friday , when he and Dave would visit the storage unit , desperately . He was too lost in his thoughts and absolutely nothing was coming back . He tried his best to remember any and everything , but the only memories his mind went back to happened a decade earlier . He remembered Dalton and how good it felt to put on a show with the Warblers . He remembered finally telling Kurt how he felt about him . Their first kiss played in his mind over and over again to the point where it was hard to believe that the kiss had occurred forever ago . He remembered transferring to McKinley , his interactions with Dave . He remembered the way his heart had sunk into his stomach when Kurt told him tearfully that Dave had attempted suicide . That was all he had . Friday finally rolled around and Blaine was filled with relieve , but at the same time a terrible set of nerves . What if what he found left him with no answers ? Even worse , what if what he found worsened the uneasiness he felt or confirmed the fact that someone had been hurting him ? Blaine sat in the passenger seat of Dave 's car , running a hand over his stomach and shaking his head from side to side . Dave would never hurt him . Dave loved him and the baby . He was a good guy . " Blaine , are you absolutely sure you wanna go there ? " Dave asked tensely . He looked at Blaine with concern and love in his eyes . This was why Blaine was convinced that Dave could not be hurting him ; Dave loved him too much . " I don 't know what you put away in there and it might trigger you into something . " " Uh , that 's sort of what I want , " Blaine said , looking out the window to quell his nerves . " I need my memories back . It 's my identity Dave . I don 't even know what about me has changed in the last ten years . People generally change from their teens to the point where they 're pushing thirty ! " " Yes , they generally do … " Dave said , his tone a little darker than Blaine would have liked . " I can assure you though , Blaine , that a lot of who you were , that 's still who you are . You 're a great guy who neveChapter 7 Blaine was very disappointed upon their return from the storage unit and Dave understood why . The reason Blaine was so upset was the reason that he himself was relieved . He hadn 't found anything worthy of triggering a memory . The only thing that had come close was the picture , but that hadn 't done any damage . Blaine hadn 't recovered any of his memories by visiting the storage unit . Dave was pretty messed up in the fact that he was relieved by that . He couldn 't handle that . Dave watched as Blaine sat , strumming at the acoustic guitar he 'd brought home . He supposed that by eighteen Blaine already had an innate musical talent that had nothing to do with memory , because the light sounds coming from the guitar were amazing . Blaine looked so dejected , his eyes full of unshed tears . He was exhausted and tired of not remembering and Dave could sense this . He was the worst person alive . Blaine was alone in the world and desperate to gain some sort of memory of his life and here he was thankful that he hadn 't . He loved Blaine , he truly did , but he was hoping for him to stay in darkness . He was hoping for Blaine to stay as absolutely miserable as he was at the moment . " That sounds amazing , " he said to Blaine , hearing the choked up sound of his own voice . " It really needs tuning , " Blaine said with a look up at Dave . He tried to conceal his misery but Dave had already seen it . " It 's also extremely hard to play with this beach ball in between me and the guitar . " " Hey that beach ball is our child , " Dave said with a playful smile that he hoped hid the fact that he wanted to cry . He was such a liar . The child wasn 't and would never belong to him . It was Blaine 's baby alone . He was the scum of the earth trying to pretend that he was the child 's father . He sucked . He was just a pretty bad person , as much as he wanted to deny it . He smiled as Blaine played around with the guitar and then walked away so that he wouldn 't cry . The rest of that night went pretty quietly . They ate dinner together and ended up watching some cheesy movieChapter 8 After the first time Dave told Blaine that he loved him , things seemed to calm down in their lives . The dreams of mysterious abuse became few and far between and he and Dave started really living their lives and being a couple in love . Blaine was comfortable just getting used to living again . He didn 't do much , as they 'd decided he didn 't need to start looking for work until after the baby was born , but he was learning the little things that made up who he was again . He and Dave became the young couple in love they were . They didn 't have full on sex , because Dave insisted he wanted to wait until after the baby was born to make sure that they were both safe , but they grew an intimacy in their relationship that Blaine was craving . He knew there was a part of his desire that was based in hormones , but he really wanted to feel a connection with a warm , living person who loved him . Dave was that person . One Sunday when Dave wasn 't working , they went out to dinner and came back to the house after in an amorous mood . Blaine sighed happily as he curled up on the couch with Dave after their night out and kissed the bigger man heatedly . The passion between them was electric , absolutely on fire . Blaine ran his hands down Dave 's chest , admiring the way that his sculpted body was hidden by his clothes . He wanted him so much . He wanted to feel every single inch of the man he loved . Blaine kissed Dave over and over again , enjoying the soft drag of their lips and tongues . He kissed him leisurely , enjoying the feeling . He was so close to having the baby and he felt big , unattractive and tired . Dave made him feel loved and wanted . He reached underneath Dave 's shirt , feeling the smooth muscle there and groaning . " Dave , " he said softly . " I know we have to wait until after the baby , but can I … can we at least … " To his delight , Dave mumbled an affirmation , nodding slightly . Blaine took that as permission to take off his shirt , running his fingers over the muscles of Dave 's stomach , up to his chest where he rested his flat hands theChapter 9 A few weeks later , Blaine 's frustration had reached its peak . Not to mention , he was so pregnant that he was on the verge of popping . He was grouchy and irritable . Nothing could make him less miserable than he was . He spent most of the day moping around the house , watching television and surfing online , hoping one of those actions would bring him some form of memory . It didn 't . It usually just ended up sinking him into a depression over the fact that he wasn 't the person he remembered being . Blaine still had flashbacks . They were infrequent but annoying and mostly involved someone beating the shit out of him . He wanted to talk to Dave , ask him about these memories , but part of him was way too afraid to do so . He was afraid that he would find something about Dave that he wasn 't prepared to learn . It wasn 't like he suspected Dave of being abusive or anything … not for the most part at least . The flashback he had while lying on the sofa one Friday evening was different . In the flashback he was fighting , not physically , with someone who was clearly Dave . " You need to think and take care of the baby , " Dave yelled , stepping forward . Blaine stepped back instinctively out of a fear that was definitely learned from years of fear . " Why can 't you do that ? Isn 't the baby important to you ? " " Of course the baby 's important … " Blaine said , but there was some reason that he was holding back and not taking care of his child . It was brief , but the uncomfortable feeling lingered . He was unable to figure out anything about himself , about who he was and he was tired . He was about to give birth to a child when he had no idea who the man carrying it was . It wasn 't right . When Dave got home from work , he confronted the man . He was tired of Blaine 's lies . " You and I need to talk , " Blaine said harshly . He was absolutely convinced at that point that Dave was manipulating him . He had no friends . He had no connections to the world around him aside from that which came from Dave and the baby . He was tired of being isolated . Dave looked at himChapter 10 A few hours later , it was made perfectly clear that Blaine was going into labor . He tried his best to act like he wasn 't in pain , but Dave could see right through him . " Call my doctor , " Blaine said , even though Dave thought that step was highly unneeded . Still , he did it to placate Blaine and they told him to come immediately . That was when he put an arm around Blaine and led him to the car to drive him to the hospital . When he got Blaine in the car and Dave started it up , he couldn 't help the wave of guilt that hit him . He had been on the verge of confessing the whole and complete truth to Blaine . Now , Blaine 's child was going to be born before Dave could remedy the lie that he had told . Oh God , he was the worst person in the universe . He looked over at Blaine and could tell that the other man was terrified . His face had gone pale and Dave wasn 't sure if it was from pain or fear . He could hear Blaine 's shallow , panting breaths and felt terrible for him . " Blaine , it 's going to be okay , " he said , even though the comfort seemed shallow . Blaine started crying the moment that he spoke , so he figured his comforting wasn 't worth anything . " I don 't want to have a baby , " Blaine whispered , his voice revealing exactly how terrified he was . He shook his head violently . " I can 't have a baby Dave . I don 't even know who I am . Please , please don 't let it happen yet . I 'm not ready . I can 't . I don 't even know if I wanted to be a parent in the first place . I can 't … I 'm not … I 'm not physically , not mentally … no part of me is ready to handle this at all . Don 't you understand ? " " Blaine . " " I can 't give my baby anything , " Blaine wailed . " I can 't give a child anything when you take care of me . I don 't know anything at all . I 'm absolutely useless . " " Blaine , just because you lack memory does not mean that you 're useless . " Dave rubbed Blaine 's arm in a soft , comforting manner , but kept his eyes on the road . He kept on driving , focused on the path that lay ahead of them . " You 're so brave and strong and we 'll get through this together . I Chapter 11 Every single second that Blaine spent with his daughter , he fell deeper in love with her . She was the most perfect creature in existence and those big blue eyes were entrancing . As he lay in the hospital bed with her in his arms , she just stared into his eyes . She didn 't care how screwed up his head was , or the fact that he couldn 't remember the years between his childhood and that moment . She didn 't care about anything except for the fact that she was in her daddy 's arms . That was pretty amazing . " I 'm going to make sure that your world is perfect , even if I don 't understand mine , " he said to her , serious about that . He would do anything for this child . He took care of business , feeding Lily , and pretty soon he started to grow drowsy . Almost on cue , the nurse came to take Lily back to the infant care unit . He sighed and took a deep breath ; he couldn 't help feeling like part of him was missing when they took her away . That was pretty awful , considering how little of himself that he had left . As he closed his eyes and started to drift a little bit , something came back to him . The bar wasn 't very crowded , so he saw Dave right away . He walked over and sat down . He was bruised and in pain , but then again , when wasn 't he ? " Hi … " Skip to later and Blaine was very drunk . " I 'm not even allowed to be out tonight , " he slurred at Dave , shaking his head mournfully . " He 'll beat me up pretty bad if he finds out that I 'm here , meeting you , but you 're worth it Davey . Shh , don 't tell . " Blaine knew that it was another flashback but instead of seeing things through his own eyes , he saw it from the outside , like an observer . He was drunk and rambling at Dave hysterically about his boyfriend and about the fact that their meeting was forbidden . Blaine forcibly yanked himself out of the … what was it ? Was it a flashback or a memory or some other construct of his messed up head ? He shook his head a little bit and sat up in bed to keep himself from passing out and going back to that place . It was true … wasn 't it ? Someone was abusing himChapter 12 Blaine 's heart sunk at that single word . He had hoped that it would all be solved with some easy answers . He had already started creating the narrative in his mind . He had been with an abusive boyfriend and Dave convinced him to leave , rescued him . They then grew closer and Dave had gotten Blaine pregnant . Now they were here and they were going to be raising their beautiful , perfect daughter . Why couldn 't it be that simple ? Dave sat down and put his head in his hands . He eventually stared up at Blaine with eyes that encompassed so many emotions , but most potently , guilt . " I tried to get you to leave Aaron for years , " he said defensively . Blaine couldn 't ever really imagine himself as the kind to stay with a man who was abusive , but then again he wasn 't even sure what kind of person he was . He wasn 't sure what the situations were surrounding the abusive relationship . He couldn 't begin to guess . " At first it was just subtly obvious he was abusing you . He was a control freak . He always wanted to know where you were , what you were doing . I saw the bruises on you . I just knew . " " Then it became less obvious , " Blaine filled in , when Dave went silent for a moment . " Y - yeah , " Dave said , looking up . " We met at a bar one night two years back . You told me that he would kill you if he knew you were meeting me . He was jealous , you know . He cut you off from contact with other men , especially gay ones . You told me that he 'd beat you up if he found out that we were still friends , but you didn 't care . I … I confronted you after that and you tried to play it off . You were drunk and on and on … " Blaine tried to swallow the information he was being fed but couldn 't . It just didn 't make sense to him . He couldn 't have been in such a horrible place . He wouldn 't have stayed in such a horrible place . He felt the tears start to flow , real strong tears . He looked at Dave desperately . " Why wouldn 't I leave ? " he whispered . " I don 't know , " Dave said . " I guess that 's just what relationships like that do to a person . He hurt you , Blaine ; he hurt yoChapter 13 Dave went to the bassinet and stood by it , watching Lily sleep . She was a really beautiful baby with her bright eyes , eyes which were now closed , and features that resembled Blaine 's in so many haunting ways . She had one hand elevated slightly , its fingers brushing against her own cheek . He loved her as much as if she were his baby girl too . He wished she was with all of his heart , but he was glad that her bastard father would never be allowed to touch her . He would protect her from Aaron even if Blaine vowed to never speak to him again . She was more important than any of them and much more important than the stupid liar who tried to protect her . He closed his eyes and felt the tears slip past before the emotions came crashing down on him . He was mourning Blaine 's loss already . He didn 't deserve Blaine but he wanted to hold him so much . He wanted to keep him safe . He wanted to keep them both safe . He hated to admit what a sick comfort it was , but Dave was glad that he was watching the sleeping child . Her being with him meant that Blaine wasn 't going to disappear into the night and never come home again . Blaine had to come back to his baby , even if he hated Dave and never wanted to see his face again . Dave might have lost Blaine forever but he wasn 't going to lose sight of him . He would die without his Blaine . Lily woke up not long after that , looking at Dave with big eyes . She looked around her and then started to whimper . He was pretty sure that she was hungry . When the whimpers turned to wails in seconds , he started panicking slightly , but he picked her up in his arms and headed to the kitchen , where Blaine already had premade bottles of baby formula . He warmed one up , tested it and then situated Lily in his arms , feeding her . She ate easily , quieting so that she could suck at her bottle . She was the most beautiful baby ever . She finished fast and let out a hearty burp when she was done and he burped her . When she was finished eating , her quiet cries started again . Dave cradled her against his chest and started Chapter 14 Blaine was sitting by the window after Dave went to work , holding Lily in his arms . The baby was crying and he was trying his best to soothe her . He wasn 't really sure how . She had already eaten and he checked her diaper to find it both dry and clean . He rocked her back and forth , humming low under his breath and even singing her a couple of songs . His voice didn 't even bring up any real memories . He wasn 't sure what he was supposed to sound like , but this wasn 't it . He had his eyes closed as he sang , trying to stir up memories but most of the memories he did stir up were old . For some reason , the first memory to pop into his head was the first time that he and Kurt sang a duet with each other . It was before they had even begun dating , when Blaine needed someone to rehearse a Christmas song with him . He had always been pretty oblivious to the truth . He had never realized then that Kurt was attracted to him . He kind of missed Kurt . Sure , their relationship was a high school love , but he at least hoped the other boy was doing alright , living every dream he ever wanted . The memory made him smile and he almost , if just for a moment , wished that it was the old days again . Things would be so much simpler and he would actually be the eighteen year old that he was in his mind . He would be with Kurt and there would be no Dave , no lying and no uncertainty . Of course , there would also be no Lily . He looked at the baby , who was still whimpering and whining a little bit and shook his head . " I 'd never give you up for anything in the world , " he assured her . With his soothing , Lily slowly started to calm down . Looking into her eyes , Blaine felt incredibly capable , like he could do anything in the world . That was when he was assaulted by a memory that was not from years and years before . " I 'm pregnant Dave . " Dave 's arms wrapped around Blaine , strong and protective . He let them envelope him as he let go of his defenses and felt all of the emotions associated with the news . He was excited and eager to raise a child , but at the same Chapter 15 Dave sat Blaine down on the sofa and looked him in the eye . " Okay , first thing , " he said , serious and well - composed compared to how broken he 'd been the last time they talked , " is that I need you to stop calling yourself weak . You are anything but weak . You are not weak because of the things Aaron did to you and you 're not weak in general . You 're an amazing person Blaine and I love you . You 've survived something terrible . " Blaine looked at Dave and he wanted to believe him but at the same time the guilt was pretty much overwhelming him . He didn 't understand the person that he had become . In his head he was still far from the shell of a person that his current self seemed to be . " I can 't … I can 't deal with the fact that I let myself be abused even when the life of my child was at stake . How messed up could I have been ? I just … I can 't make who I am and who I was meet in the middle . " Dave took his hand . It was a gentle gesture but the intimacy of it broke his heart . He wanted to believe that Dave was someone he could trust and love but at the same time Dave had lied to him . " You can 't dwell on the past , " Dave said softly , seriously . " I mean it Blaine . Look at this child . Your little Lilly is happy and healthy ; Aaron is none the wiser and God willing , neither of you will ever have to see him again . " " I need to get my memories back , " Blaine said harshly . He knew the words were a vow of something that he couldn 't really vow . " I need to get them back if it kills me . Whoever took the last ten years of my life can 't have it , because I need it . " He bit his lip hard . " They 're coming back slowly , right ? " Dave asked him . " That has to stand for something . It 's going to be okay . " Blaine nodded , understanding what Dave meant but at the same time feeling so lost and dejected . Lily looked up at the two of them " I wish I could trust you , " he told Dave honestly . " I wish I could trust you because I really need someone to trust in this moment . " His words really seemed to break Dave apart . The man looked at him with sad , forlorn eyes . Chapter 16 Blaine didn 't get hit by memories by the ton , but he was allowed a single piece of awareness . The man in front of him was Aaron . This was the man who had impregnated him and who had abused and terrorized him to the point where he was a shell of the man he once was . " I … who are you ? " he asked , even though he knew exactly who the man in front of him was . He knew who he was ; he knew what he had done and Blaine was terrified of him . " You stupid bitch , stop playing dumb with me ! " the man yelled and his voice was like a roar , a familiar roar that resonated somewhere deep inside of Blaine . " Where the fuck have you been ? It 's been months and … and you 've had the brat ! " Blaine shook his head a little bit , playing dumb to the extreme . " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " he said , holding his head up high . He was not the same man that this Aaron had abused . He was someone who had yet to be conditioned in the way that scared little Blaine had . " I 'm sorry , but you see , I was in an accident a few months ago and I have yet to regain my complete memory of the past . " The man clutched him by both of his shoulders and shook him . " Don 't play games with me ! I told you that if you left me that you 'd pay for it . I warned you and I showed you that I was serious , didn 't I ? " Blaine could remember being threatened by the man . He could remember being told exactly what would happen to him , what would happen to the few people he had left , if he left . His stomach clenched and his eyes closed . He tried to stay strong and pretend like he wasn 't being assaulted by a million horrible memories of the past . He was strong . He was confident and he was capable . He wasn 't going to let himself collapse . He yanked himself away . " Let me go , " he said . " I 'm not sure who you were , but all the same , I 've build a new life with my daughter and my new boyfriend . Thank you very much . " He knew that Dave wasn 't his boyfriend yet , but he had to have some leverage to threaten the man with . " Now if you don 't mind , my daughter and I are heading back home . " " It 's tChapter 17 After Blaine sorted things out with the police about pressing assault charges and Aaron was put into a police car and driven away , Blaine 's first instinct was to call Dave . He dialed his cell phone , praying that the other man would answer him . Thankfully , his prayers were answered when Dave picked up the phone on the third ring . " Hey Blaine , " he said . " You worried me . Why aren 't you back home from the park yet ? " Blaine took a deep breath and answered slowly , carefully . " I ran into Aaron at the park , Dave , " he said calmly , even though he felt hyper just repeating the words . " Before you ask , I 'm fine . I just have a bruise on my face . He was taken to the police station and is going to be charged with assault . Lilly 's fine as well . She 's actually currently asleep . Can you please come and pick us up ? I don 't trust myself to walk anywhere right now , especially not with the baby . " He could hear the restrained panic in Dave 's voice . " I 'll be there in two minutes Blaine , " he said seriously . That was honestly hardly an exaggeration . In what felt like a matter of minutes , Dave pulled up in the parking lot to the left of the park . Blaine quickly pushed Lilly 's stroller that way , finding that he wasn 't kidding about walking being difficult . He felt dizzy , like his legs didn 't entirely belong to him . The whole encounter had left him shaken and understanding of exactly why the previous him had suffered such incredible abuse . He had been shattered in a pretty deep and powerful way . It was really hard to come back from something like that . When Dave saw Blaine he immediately rushed to him and put both arms around him . Blaine couldn 't deny how safe he felt in Dave 's arms . It didn 't really matter that he 'd been lied to when he felt that safe . He felt safe , warm and content with life . That was all that really mattered , was it not ? He sighed and leaned against one of Dave 's broad shoulders before he managed to let go . Dave knelt down slightly by the stroller to pick Lily up . " Are you doing okay beautiful ? " he asked her gently . Dave rChapter 18 Eight months later Blaine and Dave were at the same park where Blaine confronted Aaron . This time , however , the two of them were at the park on the grass , trying to coax Lilly into walking . " Come on , " Dave said , reaching forward and grabbing the baby 's tiny little hands , drawing her forward . Lilly walked on shaky feet , aided , but still had trouble finding her footing enough to walk solo . She did absolutely love Dave and burst into laughter and big smiles any time that she was near the man . " Come here , " he said , drawing her along the path . She kept on moving , slowly but surely , keeping her eyes locked on his . Blaine just loved the two of them together . Dave was her father like no other man could ever hope to be . " Keep going honey , " Blaine encouraged the tiny girl , thinking about all of the progress that he had made . He had come so far in such a short time . He had work , although part time and was going to actively seek more employment in the field of teaching music . He was living a real life , as strong as he possibly could . It was all because of Dave and his baby girl . His memories , well , Blaine had to admit that they were far from perfect . They had come back in mixed bits and pieces , but he was pretty certain that they would never be whole . It wasn 't an incredible tragedy , because as he got the bits and pieces back he was making new memories with the people he loved most . The memories he received back were also often precious , beautiful ones . He remembered the first time that he remembered his past self really loving Dave . They were sad memories , memories of feeling unworthy and just longing for him , but they were memories that made everything feel so much more whole . He learned quickly that the past , while important , was not as important as the present . Blaine acknowledged the fact that there would always be parts of him missing , but at the same time acknowledged that it was not going to take his identity from him . Lacking little bits and pieces of memories did not harm identity at all . He was Blaine Anderson , a boyActions Fri 09 Mar 2012 10 : 39AM EST Tell me you wanna update it : O It would be interesting how Blaine 'll manage the truth if he 'll discover all . Thanks for your fic ! I 'm never disapointed with your stuff : D Sat 10 Mar 2012 03 : 39PM EST oooh daaave ! ! ! < 3 i love it ! ! ! so much ! ! i love this pairing , there 's not enough blainofsky , there 's never enought blainofsky ! ! ! you 're amazing ! Sat 05 May 2012 05 : 58PM EDT oooh god blaine , you poor thing . this is just so horrible , cos you understand every possible point of view and they just don 't mash together right and i hope blaine will take it okay - ish and at least stay with dave , even if it 's just for the baby 's sake at first : ( i can 't wait for the next chapter ! ! Sat 19 May 2012 05 : 13AM EDT oh god ! the scene was perfect ! so vivid and realistic . i really hope they can work it out ! oh blainers ! Sun 24 Jun 2012 06 : 25AM EDT OMG . . . . U just stopped at the wrong moment . . . . . My heart dropped . . . . Pls don 't leave me hanging for too long . . . . Great chapter as always ! : ) |
Melanie stood besides Nick slightly nervous as they waited for their table at Chez Rouge . Things had been going so well . Melanie couldn 't remember ever feeling so happy being with one person before . While she would have been perfectly satisfied spending most of her time with Nick at his apartment , he insisted they get out and see the town . Melanie expected these trips to be rather lame , or at best , moderately amusing given what a small city Salem was . But Nick made it fun and interesting . He had taken her not just to the typical places like museums , art houses and parks , he had surprised her with untraditional dates like a picnic in the planetarium or visiting the butterfly museum . Nick being so unpredictable helped ease her fears on whether she could continue seeing him . Which is why this dinner was so important . She already knew Nick didn 't like her father , but now Trent would grind his teeth when she mentioned Nick 's name . While Nick may be able to surprise her that monogamy would be something she would wind up preferring , she needed him to get along with her father . As they sat down , Nick immediately reached into his pocket , pulling out his bottle of pills . Surprised at seeing them , Melanie asked , " You 're still taking those ? Why do you need … " " I am , " he said while drinking the water that had been brought over . " That 's why I need these pills . I 'm hoping to dull the pain , wherever it comes from . " Before Melanie could argue with him , she caught sight of Trent . As he walked up , he kissed his daughter 's head , and then extended his hand to shake Nick 's . Nick complied . " Nice of you to finally join us , the invitation was for 10 minutes ago . " Nick said . Melanie 's mouth dropped , she couldn 't believe Nick . He glanced over at her , shrugging while taking another sip of water . " Um , no . This is other interests , from my past . " He smiled . Melanie glanced at Nick who was outright glaring at her father . She tried to make eye contact with him , hoping to sooth whatever this hostility was , but the waiter came up . She flinched when her father decided to order in French for all of them . " That 's not it . I just had my fill of French cuisine when we were in France . " Nick went on , " And you don 't have to pay for my meal . It 's covered . " ' Oh , that 's just … " Nick stopped and for a split second Melanie thought he was going to let it drop . But his expression changed and her heart sank . " Of course you would call it that . A man who pimps his own daughter out has no problems with pretending the students he sleeps with are desiring him . " Trent got up . " That 's it . I 've had enough . Melanie , dear , please let me know when you have tired of this boy scout . He clearly lives above everyone else and it won 't be long before he turns on you too . " Trent got up but walked straight to the bar . Melanie saw Nick was busy glaring at his retreating form so she gathered her purse and headed out the door . She heard Nick yelling her name behind her . " There is no waiting . I can 't believe you said … how dare you ! I told you what I did in France wasn 't like that . " " Melanie , wait , I 'm sorry . I know I got carried away . Please wait . " He grabbed her arm and Melanie stopped to look at him . " No , no , that isn 't what I meant at all ! " Nick 's face showed genuine concern . But she had dated guys before who thought that was all she was about , a good time . Melanie turned on her heels and began walking again with Nick following behind her . She kept going , but she shouted , " I 've told you he 's a great father . And we 've been through a lot together . You know me barely for a few months and now you think you know me better then I know myself . " " Melanie , I do know you . You have dreams and ambitions but you are scared of them . It 's easier to play the party girl , and since everyone expects that of you , you convince yourself it 's what you want . But deep down you want more out of your life , and I want to do everything I can to help you . " She was taken aback . Nick 's intensity was just as alarming as his words were . She stepped back , not sure how to respond . She really didn 't know what to say . Tonight had blown up in her face almost as badly if Nick and Trent had drawn pistols on each other . Now Nick was saying this crazy stuff and she wasn 't sure where it had come from . Melanie colored . She had said boyfriend . She had been very careful not to let anything like that escape her lips . She had promised herself she wouldn 't lead Nick on . But it came out so easily and she hadn 't even thought about it beforehand … " The two week deadline is up on Thursday . I didn 't want to bring it up because I wasn 't sure , but … are you going to stay now ? Does this mean we can be exclusive ? " She knew the deadline was coming up , and she had managed to keep it out of her head . She enjoyed spending time with Nick , there was no denying that . But she had not wanted to commit so wholeheartedly either . In some ways , it was scarier then facing Claude . " Melanie ? You have to answer . " He was so very close . Close enough to kiss , and in spite of tonight she wanted to kiss him . She wanted to keep kissing him . The kiss she received lifted her up and against the wall . All concerns and worries disappeared as she wrapped her arms around and just sank into him . Eventually she had to breath and they separated . Slowly she slid down his front , and she grinned at the sensations it caused . Nick waited for what seemed like forever to get into police headquarters . Security concerns had forced the Salem PD to take measures , forcing all visitors to go through a metal detector . Nick usually didn 't mind but today it seemed to take forever and he felt like he was wasting time doing nothing . Drinking from his bottled water , he reached down and felt the pill bottle . He hadn 't taken any today and was really going to try not to . But he felt better knowing they were there , just in case . He and Melanie enjoyed the previous evening after they got back to his apartment . This morning that enjoyment continued as they took a shower together . Nick felt himself blush and wondered if anyone in line knew what he was thinking . With Melanie at his apartment , he didn 't have time to take his research with him because they left together . She was on her way to look at jobs , something he definitely approved , but he didn 't want Melanie to know he was researching into her mother 's background just yet , thus he left pretending to run regular errands . Initially he was doing this to surprise Melanie . She had spoken only a couple of times more of her mother but it was clear she really didn 't know anything else . Nick wanted to surprise Melanie with as much information as she would ever need to know on her mom . Doing research was one of Nick 's true gifts , and he was glad to be able to use it to help someone he really cared about . But since embarking on the mission , he was finding he was going down a side tangent . He had more then enough to give to Melanie on Celia Layton from Memphis , TN who had been born and raised there . She had been engaged to Trent Robbins since their daughter was born . She graduated Cum Laude from then MSU with a business degree , and had taken up a job of librarian at the university 's library . She was the only child of Thomas and Judy Layton who ran a bookstore . Celia was the first Layton to go to college . It didn 't sound like much but that was quite a bit of background information in just two short weeks . Nick also had her birthday , the hospital she was born as well as where she graduated from high school . The problem was , every search kept taking him back to the same set of articles , on the fire that took her life . By itself , it wasn 't really that surprising but Nick learned the case was ruled an arson and Celia 's death was a homicide . Something Melanie most definitely did not tell him . At first he wondered if she was ashamed of that fact , and made up the story of the accidental fire to cover , but a few random conversations with her and Nick was sure that was not the case . So that meant Trent lied to her about the arson . Why would he do that ? Not many details were in the press and Nick wondered if this was why Trent never discussed it , the frustrations of never having the arsonist brought to justice . Doesn 't really sound like Trent at all . Nick was not sure he liked what his gut was feeling about this one , he hoped he was wrong . Nick was finally through the line and was able to speak to the person he wanted to see . Since this was a police investigation , Nick could only go so far on the Internet . He needed someone with a connection inside , and he only hoped his would be source would be willing . Nick smiled , and extended his hand for Bo to shake . Bo Brady used to intimidate the younger man . Not just because Nick dated his daughter but also because he was such a well known authority figure in town . However , he really got to know Bo once Chelsea came clean about Ford 's death . Both men had been forced to watch helplessly as justice was dealing on Chelsea on her own . Being unable to help the woman they loved could bring anyone closer together . Luckily , her grandfather stepped in which meant the men didn 't have to fret too long . " No need to sir me , Nick . I don 't think I 'm that much older then you , though Hope tells me I am . Anyway , I 'll be glad to help you with whatever I can . " " Yes , si - err , Bo , Memphis . I 'm researching something , well someone and she was born , raised and died there . It seems her death was under mysterious circumstances . " Bo sat there taking it all in . Nick was a bit amused ; he would have bet money Bo didn 't expect him to ask anything like that . Bo scratched his ear for a second , and then said , " I see . Well , I might know someone but … it would be a big favor I 'd have to call in . Who is the person you 're looking into ? " Nick shook his head , " Melanie doesn 't know . I 'm doing this , well , honestly it started out as a surprise for her . To give her information about her , Celia died when Melanie was very young . Given the way Trent raised her , she never learned much about her mother and I thought it would be a nice gift … " " In a fire . Melanie told me specifically that the fire was accidental , but I found through old newspaper articles it was set deliberately . However , the police never got anywhere with the investigation . " " Twenty years ago . Actually July 15 , 1989 to be exact . The fire was on the University of Memphis campus , well , actually it was Memphis State University then . She was a librarian there . " Bo took it down , and glanced back up . " Nick , are you sure Melanie wants you to find this information out ? She might have lied when she said it was accidental . People are funny about family histories . " If Bo thought anything about Nick 's last statement , he didn 't say anything . Nick waited while Bo worked on his nearby computer . Eventually he sent something to the nearby printer . " I 'm afraid Nick I can 't help you with this , not directly . We 're tied up at the moment . However , I can give you the name of the person I know down there . I 'll send him an email letting him know to expect a call from you . He was on the police force at that time , but he 's no longer with the department , so he probably won 't have access to files presently but maybe he would remember the case . And put you into contact with someone who does . " Nick couldn 't hold back his smile . He wasn 't sure how much Bo could help but this would definitely work . Standing up , Nick took the paper , thanking him . Nick stared at the page , trying to act as nonchalant as possible . With forced effort , he smiled and said , " Well , I hope it goes well . I do want Chelsea to be happy . " " Thanks for your help ! " Nick said , shutting the door as he made his retreat . He walked to the end of the hall , trying to force the image of Chelsea out of his mind . Right now he was having the time of his life with Melanie who seemed to appreciate everything he did for her , why would he be still so interested in who Chelsea might be dating ? Guilt set into Nick 's mind then , those last few months with Chelsea there had been no surprise picnics . Nick wanted to blame Chelsea 100 % for that , or at least the circumstances since they went from Ford 's death to the plane crash to Bo 's illness to Chelsea 's surgery with maybe just a few days in between . He certainly couldn 't plan on romantic dates such traumatic times . However , he couldn 't deny , Nick was so busy with his grant proposal he failed to try to make anything special out of the little time he did have with Chelsea . Stephanie smiled as her mom left and headed back to the hospital . She was glad to finally do something nice and treat her mom for a change . Naturally , the older woman refused at first , but Stephanie was stubborn like both her parents so she won out . Of course , Stephanie was still trying to save up money to get her own apartment . Most of the places in the good parts of town were fairly high , even with the struggling economy , and Stephanie was doing her best to cut back everywhere she could . If you had a roommate , you wouldn 't be stressing so much . Stephanie sighed . She knew a roommate would be ideal to help her budget , plus she might be able to get a nicer place . However , Stephanie hated to admit it , she didn 't have a lot of single friends . Though she appeared popular on campus , Stephanie didn 't connect with the girls at the sorority house like she hoped , and lately with her calendar showing Halloween was around the corner , Stephanie knew her past demons from Ford would make her want to spend even less time there . Stephanie looked over to see Chelsea . They hadn 't spoken to each other since that fight weeks ago . Stephanie swore she would never speak to Chelsea again . But time had done its job in healing wounds , and she missed Chelsea more then she thought possible . However , Stephanie wasn 't sure if she was willing to let bygones be bygones just yet . Chelsea showed surprise at Stephanie not jumping up and walking away but she wasn 't certain if this was a good sign or not . Chelsea looked around the restaurant , possibly to see if Stephanie had met someone for lunch . She opened her mouth to attempt to ask something , but it was clear she was still in the process of deciding what needed to be said . " Oh , Stephanie , I wish we could be friends again . I 'm sorry , you have no idea how sorry I am for that stupid stunt I pulled . It 's bad enough that Nick has cut me off , but to lose you too , my best friend . I don 't know if you miss me anywhere near as much as I miss you , but you would like to … " " Oh Chelsea , " Stephanie said , she might regret it , but she did miss Chelsea . And it seemed like the brunette had really learned her lesson . She jumped up and the girls embraced . Stephanie laughed , " Sadly nothing . I 'm still single and still working as an intern at Titan . I don 't get out much these days , and spend more time at my parents then the sorority house . " Chelsea nodded , " I 've been avoiding the sorority house too , but I was afraid to run into you . And it would make me miss you more . Seriously I 'm so glad we can be friends again . " " Ok , are you really going to force me to ask ? How is it going ? I must say if I didn 't want to push my luck at my job , I would have asked him out a long time ago . He 's cute , funny and smart . I was almost jealous when I heard he was dating you . " Chelsea stopped walking , looking horrified . " Oh Stephanie ! I had no idea you were interested . I 'm sorry , I won 't see him anymore if you … " " Whoa , whoa , whoa , " Stephanie said . " I was just kidding ! Seriously , it 's fine . Chelsea you can stop looking at me like that , I promise , I have no problem with it . I just wanted to know , how things were going … " " Um , well , it 's good . Great ! Just great . I just … it 's wonderful , really . We 've been going out for several weeks now and actually I just spent the night with him the other night . " Chelsea then began walking again like she had just commented that it was a Tuesday . Stephanie followed , and after catching up , asked , " So … how was it ? Did you enjoy it ? He really is cute and he goes to the gym everyday so he must have a great body . Pity you can 't tell under his suits . We 've tried to get Philip to give us a lighter dress code but he refuses . " " What ? Oh yea , I just thought I saw someone over there … but I was wrong . What was I saying ? Oh yea , Sam and I had a great time . It was nice and fun . And you 're right , he 's in great shape . " Sighing , Chelsea shook her head . " Nothing 's wrong . Dating Mark has been a very uneventful experience . Not that it 's completely unwelcome , its nice to date someone with no drama associated with it . Plus , he and I see eye to eye on how we want to spend our lives and how we view general stuff . Going out to dinner with him or to the movies or watching TV is fine . It 's just … " Chelsea looked down , keeping her hands in her pockets . " Well , he 's moved on . And so I 'm trying to move on . And it looks like I have , but it 's not working . I don 't know . Luckily Sam seems fine with things status quo . I don 't know . I 've gotten offers at school and work , lots of guys are hitting on me and stuff . Sam and I aren 't exclusive so I 've taken a couple of small dates here and there with other guys . But I think I like Sam as well as any of them so he 's the one I see the most . Also , we have those things in common . " They began walking again , but Chelsea hook her head . " Actually , no . He 's not but I hardly notice really . I guess after the disasters of Jett and Daniel … " Stephanie nodded , not wanting to think about Jeremy . They finally got to her building . " Well , here we are . So , Chelsea , maybe we can get together tonight , watch some movies or something . I have to babysit Joe but if you don 't have plans with Sam … " " Chelsea , I hope you aren 't here to bug Sam , he 's too busy to see you … oh " Philip appeared from around Chelsea , and it was obvious he hadn 't seen Stephanie . " You 're with her , I guess that 's better . If you waste someone 's time here , at least Stephanie costs me less . " Stephanie sighed , " Yea , for awhile I thought things had improved . He actually gave me a couple of professional compliments awhile ago . But now he 's back to his usual demeanor . We stay out of each other 's way unless work forces us to talk to each other . " Stephanie walked inside , glad to have her friend back . As she got on the elevator , she began to feel guilty , she wasn 't completely honest with Chelsea . She had spent a good deal of time with Nick and Melanie as a couple . She wondered if Chelsea had really learned from the past and would be able to let things go . If not , then things would sadly get strained again , which would disappoint Stephanie . I 've really missed my best friend . Nick checked his watch again , his frown widening . He had been in Dr . Brown 's office for 20 minutes , and he still hadn 't heard back on getting his prescription refilled . Nick walked in thinking it would be no problem , he still had some pain in his arm and he needed something to take care of it . The last month had been highly stressful , he had returned to work , started back on the grant project and seen Melanie as often as possible . Any spare time he had was devoted to working with Rich Brown in Memphis , Bo 's contact , over the mysterious death of Melanie 's mother . " Excuse me , Nick ? " Nick looked up to find Dr . Ruddell walking into the waiting room . Nick was surprised to see him , expecting only to see his nurses . It seemed like such a simple task , he almost called to request it , but the hospital was within walking distance of his apartment so it wasn 't a big deal to stop by . Oh for the love of … " Dr . Ruddell , I appreciate your concern . It 's very kind of you to be checking on me , but I assure you there are no side effects . It 's just some lingering pain and the refill should take care of it . " Nick was doing his best to remain calm wondering if Dr . Ruddell had always been this incompetent ? " You checked me up a month ago , sir , remember ? I 'm fine , I just still have some pain and now that with everything going on … " Nick had a sudden urge to push his doctor into the appointment desk but decided against it . He stood his place while mulling over his answer , wishing very much to go off but holding some degree of civility and not doing so . Instead , through gritted teeth , he said , " I don 't have time for that . I didn 't expect to have to wait this long for something I was under the impression I had every right to receive . Guess I was wrong . I 'll come back later . " Walking down to the lobby , Nick stopped when he caught sight of Chelsea . She was walking in and heading straight down his path , there was no way to avoid her . The last month , Chelsea apparently listened to Nick 's wishes and did not attempt contact again but it was impossible not to run into each other from time to time . However , those impromptu run - ins he always had Melanie with him . This was the first time he was facing her alone , and he wasn 't sure he could still handle it . Nick wanted to pull Chelsea into his arms , but of course , that wasn 't possible now . " I 'm sorry , Chelsea . I 'll be praying for her . " And you . " Thanks , she 'll appreciate it . " Chelsea blinked back tears that were forming . Knowing it was useless to keep standing there , Nick said a quick goodbye and walked on . Concentrating on the path before him , Nick wondered if he would get over Chelsea . Melanie walked into the Cheating Heart , glad to be finally off work . She had gotten a job at the Java Café , and she hated every bit of it . Dealing with people was never her strong suit , especially ones who could spend twenty minutes in line and still not know what to order by the time they made it to the front . The worst part was she was running into Chelsea Brady on a daily basis , thanks to the café 's proximity to the hospital . The idea of waiting on her boyfriend 's ex took every ounce of Melanie 's self control . At least you are off work now . Melanie was glad to be finally done . Nick asked to meet at this bar , a place they had been only once before . She was surprised Nick frequented it at all ; the seedy décor hardly seemed like a place he would care for . He took her there a while ago so to keep his promise of showing Salem , but they left quickly . It was a place many students hung out along with some less than reputable persons , and Nick didn 't seem quite comfortable . Walking in , she scanned the main room looking for him . She frowned when he was nowhere in sight yet his car was parked outside . Believing him to be in the bathroom , she glanced back into the back alcove and smiled when she spotted him . He was talking to somebody she didn 't recognize . The guy had his back to her , but just from where she stood she was confused as to why Nick would be speaking to him in the first place . Nick 's eyes wandered , falling on her , and he quickly left the stranger . She smiled , " Tough . I may have to quit this job . I feel like I 'm beginning to hate coffee and we can 't have that . " She returned it . " I do think though that isn 't the job for me . But I 'm at least doing well in it . The manager said if I keep this up , I might be promoted to muffin duty . " He nodded his head , not making eye contact . She was about to follow up but his cell phone rang , and he took it . Immediately Melanie could tell he was discussing something related to the grant , so she looked at the menu trying to decide what to order . He quickly got off , and they finished their meal . Back at his apartment , Melanie walked in putting away the food they had taken home . She had noticed Nick had been fairly quiet most of the evening . She wondered if he was upset about something . " What are you thinking about ? " She narrowed her eyes , he was lying . Was something wrong ? He seemed so out of it . Remembering the earlier conversation , she asked , " What did the doctor say ? " She didn 't like him being this way . " No , you 're not . Does this have anything to do with that guy at the bar ? " He nodded his head , glaring at her . Melanie felt so confused , where was this coming from ? " Nick , I was just asking a couple of questions . Believe it or not , I do care about you , and given you got shot because of me , I want to make sure you 're alright . " Nick 's face changed , and he walked over to her . " I 'm sorry . You 're right . I just have a lot going on right now : the grant and my teaching . It 's tough to leave it behind at the office . " Melanie calmed down , feeling a bit guilty herself . Of course , it was work . She wasn 't used to dating guys who had dedicated jobs that came with the attached stress . Shaking her head , she said , " No , I 'm sorry . It didn 't even occur to me it could be work . " She leaned in and kissed him . He deepened the kiss and she could feel his arms wrapping around her . Kicking off her shoes , he moved her towards the living room . Running her hands through his hair , Nick pulled slightly back . " So you want to keep talking … or should we move on to something else . " Nick stood waiting on the coffee to brew . Tapping his fingers , he was annoyed at how long it was taking . Looking into the bedroom , he knew Melanie was still sleeping peacefully . He wanted to wake her , but knew by now she would misinterpret what he wanted , thinking he would want her to join him in the shower . Instead , he was just anxious for her to leave . Jimmy , from the Cheating Heart , should be there in an hour with his " order " , and Nick didn 't want Melanie anywhere around . After the coffee was done , Nick poured himself a cup , glad to have something to give him strength . When Dr . Ruddell passed on giving him a refill , Nick wasn 't sure where to really go . It wasn 't like he was looking for someone to score him some illegal drugs , these were prescription drugs and the bottle clearly stated he could have a refill . Why was the doctor being so stingy ? Was it a competition thing ? Another doctor calling the shots ? Nick took his cup and sat down at the small area he had designated as his office , just a small alcove between the kitchen and bedroom . Here he had his laptop , files from work , files for Melanie 's mother 's case and bills . Deciding it wouldn 't take long for the aroma of the coffee to wake Melanie up , he began glancing through the notes he made on Celia 's file , confident he could hide them quickly when Melanie arose . Though Bo warned Rich was no longer on the Memphis PD , he still proved very helpful in piecing missing information . It would have been too easy if Rich had been assigned this case directly , but he did remember the case , as it took up a lot of his cohorts time . The problem was , they never had much evidence . The fire started around 10 : 30 pm , late enough when no one should have been in the building at all . Celia was a good worker , but not one to work so late into the evening . She did have a key , which they found , on her charred body . The body appeared to have fractures that led to the homicide investigation . The arson case was inconclusive so there wasn 't much to go on from there , except the fire did start near Celia 's body . Overall , Trent was always the number one suspect but his alibi was ironclad . He was spending time with a local hooker in the midtown district . The police believed Trent had paid her off , but the girl always stuck to her story . Another theory had Trent badly in debt with gamblers in the West Memphis area over in Arkansas . They could have knocked his wife off to get Trent to pay up , but no money ever came directly out of Trent 's pocket . Nick thumbed the file , his heart really not into it at the minute . Why won 't Melanie get the hell up ? Nick 's mind went back to what Dr . Ruddell said about specific side effects . Using his laptop , Nick fired up Google and began researching his drug : Honazine . It was easy to find how the drug was not prescribed often in the US but there were still known cases where it was used and it was easy to bring in from the French part of Canada . Probably how Jimmy can get his hands on it . Still concerned about the side effects , Nick looked deeper into the background of the drug . The only thing that stood out was it could cause erratic behavior conditions for patients . This concerned Nick wondering if he would qualify . However , it stated firmly that mental issues in the immediate family would raise up a red flag so Nick breathed a sigh of relief . He knew of no medical issues with either the Fallons or the Hortons . " I wasn 't sneaking up on you . I walked out of your bedroom and I was in your line of vision . Why are you so jumpy ? " He walked away from her , ignoring the hurt look on her face . Why did I snap like that ? She just asked a simple question . Before he could apologize , Melanie said , " What 's this ? Celia ? Hey , this is my mom 's full name . What the … " " I was doing research on your mother . " He said feeling stupid . How was the next sentence supposed to go ? I was poking around in your mom 's personal history and found out your Dad might have killed her . Sighing , Nick decided to just start from the beginning , " I 'm sorry . I should have told you . But when you said you didn 't know much about her , I decided to see if I could . I can find a lot about someone through the Internet and making a few calls . It was obvious you didn 't know her at all and I just thought you might like to know … " Is she crying ? Nick cringed . He doubted she would be this grateful when she learned the sweet gesture turned into a plot to take down her beloved father . " Oh , Melanie , don 't cry . You haven 't heard … " " No , Nick . I can 't believe this . Nobody has ever done anything like this for me , not even Trent . " She didn 't notice Nick 's flinch at hearing her father 's name . " S - Sure . " He wanted to tell her . He just couldn 't . The look on her face , she was so happy , and right now he didn 't have much evidence . He couldn 't prove any of it . Why should he tell her yet ? " I mean , it 's not ready yet . Um , I wasn 't ready to show it until it was done . " He started to laugh nervously , hoping he could charm her into complying " I 've come this far and presentation is everything ! " For a second it didn 't look like she was going to buy it , but then a grin spread across her face . " Of course . I 'm looking forward to reading . Honestly , I don 't have time anyway , I 'll want to read it thoroughly and I 'd barely have time to skim it through ! " She looked at the clock and cursed , " Damn , it 's later then I thought . Why did you let me sleep so late ? " She playfully smacked Nick . He nervously laughed again , and shrugged . He barely moved as he watched her run through the apartment getting ready . " I know , I need to take a shower , but I 've got to run back to the house anyway . Can 't come in with the same clothes I had on last night ! " It wasn 't long before his fears were gone ; Melanie had finally left , but not before giving him a huge kiss . He couldn 't believe what just happened . Sitting down , he put his head in his hands , groaning and wishing Jimmy would just get there . I need a pill more then ever ! Melanie was on cloud nine . She had run home to shower and change before heading to work , taking the time even though she was already late . Part of her very much wanted to just call in sick , she couldn 't wait to be done so she could see Nick , or more importantly , see all the information on her mom . She learned Celia was born on November 22 , 1964 . That was all she could see of the information Nick had gathered before he took the file back . It was more then she ever knew . All her life she wanted to know more , but it hadn 't been easy . When she was younger , she asked her father questions that seemed fairly easy , " How old was she ? Where did she grow up ? " But he found ways to keep from answering , sometimes getting irritated . Melanie hardly got to see Trent growing up , she was in boarding schools or with nannies , so she hated to ruin what precious time they had , ultimately learning not to ask . Upon seeing her father drunk that night , Melanie now knew remembering her mom was painful for Trent . He must have loved her very much , she believed . Melanie imagined Trent and Celia having that great love which happens only in books . She was proud that her mother could tame her father into matrimony or at least an engagement . He wasn 't a man who gave his affection easily but she knew it was different for her mother . That was why he had a hard time seeing her , she obviously must look just like her mom . And the fire taking Celia 's life would have been devastating for him . As she was leaving for work , she saw Trent coming home , and realized he must not have spent the night in the house either . She smiled when he walked in ; he was shutting off his cell phone as he entered . She hadn 't seen him in the last couple of days and was about to give him a quick hug when he stopped her . " I just got a call from Memphis . Apparently someone has been asking around , asking questions about me . About what I did there and about your mom . " Melanie was confused , was this related to Nick ? It seemed very likely but why would Trent be so upset about it , other then bringing up painful memories of her death of course . " How do you know its Nick ? " " Just her background information . I had told Nick that I didn 't know much about her and how I knew it hurt you to talk about her . So he went on his own to see what he could find . I find it very sweet … " " Dammit , Melanie , this isn 't sweet ! He 's not researching Celia ! He 's investigating me ! " Trent angrily marched around the house , the more he said the angrier he got . Melanie wasn 't sure where Trent got this idea , she knew she saw information on her mom on Nick 's desk . She didn 't see much of the file but Nick had told her it was about her mom . " I don 't think so . I know you and Nick have your differences , but Nick isn 't the kind of guy to set out to hurt anyone intentionally . " " Trent , what … what are you so upset about ? All he 's doing is researching my mom who died in Memphis twenty years ago . What could he possibly find on you back then ? " " What ? Nothing . Nothing like that . " His face softened and he put on a smile she was used to seeing . " No , it 's just , well , back then I was young and quite ambitious to become a name in the academic world . " He nodded , " Yes , but back then I was , um , I was trying to also take care of my family and we had to have food on the table . So I might have had some jobs with less then reputable people . It 's something I 'm not proud of , but that part of my life is over . Of course , if it were to get out now , well , it could hurt my reputation . " " Oh Dad , " Melanie said . " I 'm sure Nick will understand , I 'm sure he isn 't going to be calling anymore anyway , he said he was about done with his information on my mother . So you have nothing to worry about . " " Right . " She heard Trent say . She had grabbed her purse , she really had to get to work , turned and blew a kiss at her father , then left . Nick drank the beer Pete had given him , still going over his " presentation " for Melanie . Once Melanie saw the file on her mother this morning , he knew he didn 't have much time to get what he had on Celia 's background together , leaving out anything to do with her murder . He wondered if Melanie would notice the missing obituary . Putting the beer down , Nick looked at the door waiting for Melanie to come in . He hoped using a public place would keep his girlfriend from digging in too much on the materials . He felt like he didn 't have that much and was quite nervous she would guess . If she knew he was investigating her father , she would not only be furious but probably tip Trent off as well . Nick didn 't want that , the man needed to go to jail . Sighing , Nick rubbed his head , he had a terrible headache . He took the pills Jimmy had given him , and they worked for awhile , but wore off very quickly . Obviously these were a lower dose so Nick felt it would be better if he just took another dose again . As he did so , he could hear the door open , and Chelsea and Stephanie walked in . Seeing them together , he could tell the two girls had made up . Nick 's eyes remained on Chelsea and she was giving him a strange look . Not in a " I miss you " sort of way she usually did but one that appeared confused . It wasn 't long before Chelsea headed his way . Irritation mounted in Nick , he had his hands full between work , pain , Melanie and Trent , and he didn 't need Chelsea on top of everything . Nevertheless , he tried to keep his face friendly . Gee , Chelsea I 've missed you so much . " I 'm fine , Chelsea , a little stressed . But I really appreciate you coming over here and telling me that . Very helpful . " Stephanie looked from Nick to Chelsea and knew something was off . Deciding she needed to change the subject , she looked down at the table . " What 's all this ? " " Just something I 'm doing for Mel - DON ' T TOUCH THAT ! " Stephanie had just reached out her hand to straighten one of the papers , but Nick 's outburst had both girls jump back alarmed . They watched as Nick stood up and straightened the paper himself . Stephanie was speechless and looked to Chelsea to say something . Chelsea also had to take a moment before she could respond . " Nick … , I think it 's clear you 're upset about … " Nick sneered , " I 'm upset because I was sure we were done with this . With talking with each other . Then I 'm nice to you for 5 minutes and here you are thinking we can be best buddies again . " " JUST STOP IT , Chelsea . Can 't you take a hint ? Do I have to draw you a picture ? " Nick saw tears well up in Chelsea 's eyes and for a split second he wondered what had gotten into him . Then , Melanie walked in , and the irritation returned . " Now , my girlfriend is here now , so if you don 't mind , I 'd like to spend time with her instead of mistakes of the past . " " Oh , ok , " Melanie glared back at her nemesis , confident she had done something to set Nick off in such a mood . Looking down at the table , she smiled when she saw her mom 's information laid out . " Well , let 's take a look at this shall we ? I 've been looking forward to this all … " Get a hold of yourself . Don 't let Chelsea see you fall apart . " Um , well , maybe we can just get something on the way home and go over this back at the apartment . I don 't want to be here anymore if that 's ok . " " Um , sure , that 's ok . " Melanie was relieved . Out of Chelsea 's presence , Nick no doubt would be back to normal very soon . She really didn 't want anything to ruin this wonderful gift he had given her . She debated about telling him of what Trent said earlier , but the only other person to annoy him more than Chelsea was her father , so she decided to wait . Now that Nick was done with the research , she was sure her father would calm down . Nick was mentally counting as he left the pub with his girlfriend , a trick he learned to escape an angry mood . He was keenly aware that Chelsea was crying , just because she put her back to him didn 't mean he couldn 't tell that . Just let me get home and by then the pills will kick in . I 'll be better then , I 'm sure of it . Trent dropped his keys and cursed . Why must they make these things so oversized ? Picking them up , he felt a woman pinch him and he turned , smiling at her . She was young , he liked them young . She was also cheap which he liked too . She laughed , " Do you need help with that ? " " Don 't worry , my dear , we 'll get in soon enough . " Opening the door , he let his " date " in . Following her , he threw the keys towards the kitchen counter , though he heard them miss . He didn 't care . He lunged for Natalie , or Nanette . Whatever her name is . As they kissed , he heard a key in the lock . " Hey , Trent , just stopping in to … oh , hi . " Melanie stopped in her tracks . Trent glared at his daughter . She 's seen him with dates before , ok , maybe not so young . But she could get over it . She was staying for free at his house for months now and it didn 't look like she would ever leave . The least she could do was give him a little privacy . Trent didn 't hear Melanie leave , but she must have since she had plenty of time to get what she needed . The kissing continued but eventually he felt something in his pocket , something hard and vibrating . Damn . " Depends on what you consider good . They still have been making calls about you , Trent . Now the guy your buddy hired has gotten the Memphis PD working on it . They are making a link of you to us , and we don 't like that . " Now Trent was sitting up and pushed Mary off his lap . His heart was beating very fast , and he cursed outloud . Melanie said Nick was done with his research , and that was last week . " Can 't you take care of it ? " He immediately got up and walked out of the room , leaving a confused Mary in the living room . She didn 't need to hear this conversation . " Take care of it ? It 's your problem , Trent . And we don 't owe you a damn thing anymore . We did you the favor . And you haven 't been paying up lately . You remember the deal ? " Hardly , it 's her damn boyfriend who 's figured this out . " Ok , look , I 'll think of something . " He hung up the phone quickly . Nick doubted it . The whole thing made him sick to his stomach . How was he going to explain all of this to Melanie ? In the last week he and Rich had figured out what went down . Trent had gotten involved heavily with illegal gambling and acquired massive debt . At first Nick wondered if the mob had taken Celia out to force Trent to hurry up and pay , but Rich pointed out that from the looks of it , Trent was not broken up about the death whatsoever and no proof of payment was made . Further digging did uncover former " acquaintances " of Trent 's , and twenty years ago Trent managed to start up his own prostitution ring , which he rented out to the elite of Memphis ' underground . No money was ever exchanged and Trent 's debts were never paid off , so it seemed likely Trent arranged for his fiancée to be killed to make it easier for him to run the ring personally . Rich wasn 't sure enough on that being motive alone for the murder , but Nick 's opinion of Trent was at an all time low , and nothing surprised him anymore . Nick whipped his head around to see Melanie getting in the car . Smiling , he kissed her hand , but then returned to the phone call . " Ok , if you can send me that information , I 'd appreciate it . " Hanging up the phone , Nick started the car , trying to ignore the guilt bubbling in him . He might be able to bring down a killer , but he could lose Melanie after he revealed her beloved father was a true monster . Could he live with that ? " You 've hardly said ten words , Nick . " Melanie stated . They had gone to dinner at Chez Rouge . The whole time there , Nick had been acting strange like he was upset . She hoped bringing up their plans for later that night would shake him out of this mood , but so far it hadn 't worked . In fact , he seemed even worse . Well , at least he 's just sad , not mad , like he 's been all week , Melanie thought . Since that day at the pub where he blew up , Melanie felt like she had been walking on eggshells around him . Whenever she would ask , he would get just more irritated . Luckily she had the beautiful gift he had given her , the information about her mother , to help distract her from Nick 's odd moods . " Do you want to talk about it ? " Melanie asked nervously . This was one of the reasons she was hesitant about getting into a relationship in the first place , being patient and supportive . Reminding herself Chelsea had obviously been horrible in that position , Melanie vowed to do a better job . She really not had a good day herself , and then the weird moment with her father back at the house , she was hoping tonight would just be peaceful . " Yes , yes it was . " They sat in silence for a few minutes . With nothing better to do , Melanie looked into her purse for her compact , only to see her phone showed one missed call . " Oh , that 's weird , my dad tried to call . " A dark shadow covered Nick 's face . Melanie recognized the look , he was going to blow up . She steeled herself , ready to defend her father to Nick . Nick had already walked away to talk to his aunt . Melanie didn 't want to go back to the house . And if her dad was doing what she thought he was doing , he wouldn 't want them back there either . He sensed what he did wrong , and relaxed . " Melanie , you asked me what is wrong with me . Um , I didn 't want to tell you this but lately … um … " " Um , it 's … your relationship . It 's wrong of me to hurt your relationship with him . I can tell I have and … I 'm not going to do that anymore . " Melanie had to smile . Nick was being so sweet . Of course this was what he was worried about . " Oh , Nick , it 's ok . We can talk to him later , let 's just go home … " She had to grin at that , for the first time , he looked like his usual earnest self . Suddenly , Nick leaned in and kissed her hard in the middle of the restaurant for everyone to see . When he pulled back Melanie felt light headed . Giggling , she shrugged , " Um , ok , but if he has company , we need to leave . " |
I thought I would give a little update as to how we 're all doing since arriving home last Monday . For the most part , things are going well . I came home sick with some sort of cold and I think due to jet lag , I just can 't shake it . If I could just go to bed and sleep for about 12 hours I think it would go away , but life at the moment does not allow for staying in bed and I 'm pretty sure I wouldn 't sleep very well if it did . It 's been a stretch to act like nominally pleasant mom , much less fun and energetic mom . At least I slept passed 5 am this morning . It is so good to be home and be back with all my children . I missed them so much . Those who stayed home did really well at our friends ' house and those older than two have transitioned back without a problem . The little girls did well , but it seems that life was pretty darn good for them on their little vacation . I can completely understand . As long as they can do what they want , they are the most pleasant , charming , and sweet little girls . They do no like to be thwarted and are very loud when they are . I 'm afraid that life has been a bit of a come down since coming back home . Being a princess is very , very nice and having to stop being a princess is not quite so nice . Wednesday was definitely a low point with each girl ending up in her bed for having a screaming temper tantrum at different times . My mother asked me how I could say no to two such adorable little girls . My reply was that I still wanted to think they were adorable when they were five . I don 't think the ' princess recover project ' will have to last too much longer . Yes , yes , you all are saying , this is marginally interesting , but you really want to know how H . is doing . I am quite happy to report that she seems to be doing very well . She is head over heels in love with her new big brother , B . In China she wasn 't quite sure she was excited over the prospect of a big brother . She would look at the photo cards I made of our family and she would happily look at and talk about everyone but B . His picture was met with a frown , a wave of the hand , and the word , " No ! " I couldn 't blame her . Having an instant 16 year old brother would be a bit intimidating . Her hesitation about B . took as long as the ride from the airport to overcome . At our first dinner together the one person she wanted to sit next to was Ge Ge ( big brother in Mandarin ) . And it has been Ge Ge all the time ever since . He has been so sweet with her . She routinely ends up in his room where he reads with her or colors pictures with her or just lets her hang out . And she really likes his turtle . She has been sleeping well , eating well , and is willing to do just about anything she is asked . H . routinely tells me that she loves me and yesterday was going through the names of the whole family telling J . that she loved each of them . I realize that at some point the honeymoon will end and ' real child ' behavior will begin , but I have to say this week with H . has been very pleasant . She even picks up toys ( hers and other 's ) without being asked . I 'm torn between really wanting that behavior to keep going and wanting it to stop because it will show she is more confident in her place in our family . But to my Pollyanna comment . You all know I love Pollyanna and that I think the book has been given an undeserved reputation . Well it seems that God has given me my very own Pollyanna . Just an example . Yesterday I had taken H . over to our friends ' house because their Mandarin tutor was there and I thought H . would like to be able to talk to someone who understood her . After a few moments of shyness H . badgered her with questions and also told her how happy she was with her new family and all the new food . Afterwards I had an errand to run and so I took H . into an American store for the first time . Without any common language , by the end of the shopping trip she had charmed the cash register attendant , been allowed to decorate the store sign she was making , and the attendant in a moment of good will gave me a couple of things I was buying at half off . As we leave the store , H . calls out , " Good - bye ! " across the store and the attendant calls across the store good - bye in reply . It was a charming and unexpected experience . But life can be hard . We get torn up . Worn out . Used up . We aren 't the same and are pretty sure we can never be repaired . But God can do anything . Even fix worn out , used up lives . It isn 't an easy process . A lot of the old needs to be trimmed away . Refashioned . Remade . But we have to be willing to let God make these changes . Being a bit preoccupied with being in China and meeting my new daughter , I neglected to wish my first born a happy birthday on the blog . M . turned 19 a couple of weeks ago , and sadly we were not in the country to celebrate with her . I know she was given a lovely celebration by our friends , though . Plus it was the beginning of her spring break and had a week long house party with some of her closest friends who were also on spring break . I think it tells you quite a bit about M . 's level of maturity that we agreed to her staying in our house with her three ( sometimes four ) friends without an older adult presence . It worked out well since one of the friends is the older daughter of the family who were watching our crew and with our children there , there was no room for their own daughter to sleep . So she bunked at our house with M . and P19 . ( Good friends , I tell you . ) I just can 't brag about this child enough . She is smart , responsible , fun , and caring . J . and I have loved watching her grow into the lovely young woman she has become . We are honored to be her parents . Her birthday also added a few items on my to - do list that I was working on before we left . You see , I had decided I would make her a quilt for her birthday . There was still significant work on it that needed to be done up to the week before our departure . But I did it ! I 'll post pictures of it tomorrow . After lunch we loaded up our stuff in the Shepherd 's Field van and headed off to the airport . We thought we had left with plenty of time to spare . It would have been plenty of time if there hadn 't been horrible traffic on the way . At one point the traffic came to a standstill and we inched along for perhaps a half an hour . At that point it started to enter my consciousness that this was taking too long and I should start to be concerned . Commence praying . Traffic jams are not too hard for God and not long after it started to free up . We passed what was the hold up and it looked to be either a major accident involving many trucks ( but no sign of damage or injuries anywhere ) or the trucks were doing something wrong and the police just stopped them right there in the middle of the road . Either seemed entirely possible , but yeah Jesus , we were passed it and made it to the airport . We had no problems checking in or getting to our gate , but the plane started boarding about 20 minutes after we arrived . At least we didn 't have to sit at the gate for a long time . The flight went well . Long , but well . We did end up on a new airplane with individual touchscreens and movies on demand . That kept everyone pretty well occupied , though H . was suddenly aware that she wasn 't in Kansas anymore . All the other planes she had flown on were Chinese airlines and all the children 's shows were in Mandarin . We were on United and the programming was pretty much all English all the time . I 'm not sure a 9 year old can really understand all the implications of moving to a different country . We arrived and went through customs , a straight forward , but long process of standing in line and H . became a US citizen . I always feel as though I should take a picture to mark the occasion , but no cameras are allowed in the customs and immigration area . And then we saw our family . I hadn 't realized how much I had missed them all until I saw them . It was so good to hug all my babies . . . big and small . M . even got excused from her rehearsal so she could be there , too . And not only my family was there but the H - S family and the P family were there to greet us as well . P Family Mom figured out that this was the 7th time of our families gathering together at the airport to greet the newest family member . And so now we 're all back home and trying to get over jet lag . All the people who stayed behind did a great job of surviving without us , but I can tell it was a little stressful for G . and L . They are having the most difficulty with the transition and I can tell all the bottled up stress is finally being let loose . I 'm hoping we 're at the low point today and things will start to improve after this . ( Crossing fingers . ) I 'll leave you with some not - too - great photos of G . and L . because it 's been a while and some of you may be in withdrawal . They are not overly smiley today and the smile I did coax out of L . is a little manic . But I think they 're still cute . Even when they are fussy . Our visit to Shepherd 's Field went very well . H . was calm and happy to be there and showed no anxiety or confusion . It was exactly the kind of visit I had hoped for her . After breakfast we gathered the donations we had brought and took them over to Pam Baker 's office . We were able to meet Pam and also the head ayi . H . was very eager to head to the house that she lived in so that 's where we went next . Here she is with one of ' her ' babies . Then it was off to the classrooms to see her teacher and friends . We had bought candy for H . to pass out . We went to her former class first . And A . and I got to hold babies ! This is Liam . He is 10 months old and a little peanut due to needing heart surgery . They are just waiting for a bed to open up at the hospital for him . He is a cutie and I would have happily brought him home with me . I tried to get a picture of his cute smile , but missed it each time . This is Vincent whom A . took a shine to . He is almost two and quite delayed . He also has some sort of skin condition ( allergy ? ) which is why his cheeks are so red . This is a little boy who desperately needs the love of a family . He is a little more delayed than K . was , but in some ways reminds me mightily of him . Some babies just need the all - consuming love of a mother to flourish and I think this little guy is one of them . You may be seeing more advocating for Vincent on my blog . ( He 's on the shared list . ) Some will be self - defense . A . has already started her campaign . Amity was the other baby in the room . She just had emergency heart surgery and is a cutie . It doesn 't come through very well in the picture but she has the most amazing hair . It 's red and stands straight up . While A . and I were holding babies , J . took TM out to play on the playground . Any orphanage - type environment makes TM nervous and being able to jump it off on the trampoline was a good thing for him . A . , H . and I joined them and A . jumped , too . We had a great time and wished we could have spent longer . But right after lunch it was time to leave for the airport . It was time to come home . I am very happy to report that TM did recover . Since I was at a point where I was doing no good what so ever , J . sent me out with the girls to walk around . We happened upon the market stalls with all the tourist kitsch , which was good because I needed to get a couple more gifts . Evidently , being all out of patience and in a cr * ppy mood puts one in a perfect state for bartering with stall owners . Normally , I am the world 's worst barterer ; I 'm too worried about making sure someone is happy and that they like me . This morning , I really didn 't care and if the price was too high would happily drop the object and walk away . This , it seems is the perfect tactic for getting a good price . At one point , I was looking at a watch that was nearly exactly like one A . bought when we had the guide with us in Guangzhou , so I knew what a fair price was . When the seller quoted me a price four times as high , I actually laughed at him . I got it for about the same price that A . bought hers . The shopping excursion was not without it 's own difficulties . No doubt a little wigged out by her brother 's behavior , H . decided to act out a bit as well . Part of it was just language difficulties . I couldn 't explain to her that I had bought her things before and would buy her things again , but that I wasn 't buying anything for her this time . At one stall she picked up a small item , which even on a good day I wouldn 't have purchased , and made it very clear that she wanted it . I said no and put it back . She picked it back up . I put it back . H . pinches A . in retaliation . I move H . away from A . Shop keeper tells me that she will give a good deal on it . ( And it was a good deal , less than a dollar US . ) But I was able to communicate with the shop keeper that since H . is now pitching quite the whiny fit , I can 't buy it for her now . It was an accomplishment since I speak no Mandarin and the shop keeper spoke very little English . But she understood and stopped trying to sell me the item in question . H . is very clearly unhappy with me at this point as we head back to the hotel . I hold my breath on the way back having no idea what will be waiting for us when we arrive , all while keeping a firm grip on H . 's hand who has decided she does not want to walk . I cannot tell you how relieved I was to discover a calm , coherent boy sitting on the bed eating peanuts . ( Protein is very , very good . ) While all this drama has been occurring , our guide arrives to take us on our tour of Beijing . J . asks him to come back an hour and half later , which he graciously does . J . and I are also throwing items into suitcases while all of this is going on because we have to check out when we leave with the guide . Since life looks as though it will continue to go on , we leave to tour Beijing with our guide . It is a whirlwind tour . We drove by Tienanmen Square . It is very large . Then we went to the Forbidden City . You probably won 't be surprised when I tell you that it involved quite a few stairs . I think it was worth it for views such as this . After this super fast city tour , we had lunch with our guide and driver and then it was time to head to Shepherd 's Field Children 's Village . The ride out was uneventful and after a couple of stops for our driver to ask directions we made it . It 's a good thing I knew what it looked like because the driver couldn 't locate it even when we were right outside the gates . The children were all in their houses but we were met by some of the volunteers and staff and shown to our room . We then joined some of them at a local BBQ restaurant for dinner . It was one of the best meals we had and a wonderful way to end our trip . The BBQ restaurant served lamb skewers which were spicy and very good . We also grilled hot peppers , grilled spicy bread . shredded potato salad , and a cucumber salad . Good food and good company . TM particularly liked the skewers and ate probably 20 skewers all by himself . Our last full day in China started off a bit rocky . I feel in writing this blog that I navigate a fine line between being considerate of my children 's privacy and being honest about some of the difficulties that raising children brings us . This is especially true when it comes to TM . Many people who know my son in real life read this blog and I don 't want to color their opinion of him by what I write . But I also don 't want to sugarcoat some of his challenges . He had done pretty well through the whole trip , but something set him off this morning and we still have no idea what . The whole episode wasn 't pretty . I won 't go into details , but suffice it to say J . and I probably will never show our face in the hotel we stayed in again . I was in tears by the end and we were all a bit shaken . Thankfully A . was with us and was able to take H . on a walk around the hotel during the worst of it . My son does so well so much of the time . For instance , just the day before , he came running up to me because he wasn 't sure I had kissed him yet that day and wanted to be sure he got kissed . But when he is not OK , he is really not OK . Somewhere deep inside he still has so much hurt and pain and anger from everything he has gone through and lost . Did I mention anger ? I ache for him , but I am also concerned . We need to do something to help him come to grips with his anger because I fear for the older child / man he will become if we do not get him the help he needs now . And so we will be seeking out a therapist to help him . I am open to suggestions . We need someone in the Chicago area who has experience with adoption and trauma , who is a Christian , and who doesn 't assume the parent is the problem . A therapist who also understand homeschooling and will not try to pressure me to put him in school would be a bonus . And please pray for my boy . So many people have hurt him so deeply that the pain he feels is enormous . But I know nothing is too hard for God . We arrived yesterday afternoon and it 's so good to be home and see all my other children . Travelling went well . When I get my act together later I 'll post about our last couple of days . J . , TM , and I were awake before the crack of dawn , but A . and H . seem to be sleeping still . D . and K . , our early risers , were thrilled to find company awake before them . If you noticed I skipped day 12 , it 's because all we really did was travel . It was a two hour plane flight from Guangzhou to Beijing , so it should have been a simple matter . To borrow one of TM 's phrases from when he was four , " But it not " . I don 't think that China believes in jet ways . They have them , they just don 't use them . At least they don 't use them as I am used to them being used . Recently , flying in and out of Chinese airports goes something like this . Sit at gate and wait until called to board . Exit door to tarmac where airport employees are constantly trying to break current world records for number of people in airport bus . Ride bus in incredibly uncomfortable manner to what seems like your flight destination . Exit bus . Climb steps into jet way connected to airport building . Wait in line in jet way . Board plane . Then we got to add sit in the plane on the tarmac for an hour and half because the plane in delayed . ( You know bad news is coming when the Mandarin announcement is made and the entire plane audibly groans . ) When the plane lands , you get to repeat the exercise except you are exiting down the side stairs ( you know the ones you see in the US , but never see anyone use them ) of the jet way which is connected to the airport . When you claim your bags and find your driver you then get to ride an hour and half into your destination city . It 's been the one thing in China I really haven 't enjoyed . Yesterday I was constantly blessing the mother who left her supply of dramamine with us because it turns out that TM gets rather motion sick on airplanes . So on to today . . . The Great Wall . Did you know that the Great Wall would stretch across the entire US if is was stretched straight ? Or that the stones were held together with either rice flour and crushed limestone or vinegar and egg white ? Do you realize how incredibly steep it is going up and down those mountains ? We had a wonderful day . If we had personally ordered the weather we couldn 't have asked for better . It was very sunny and clear and the temperature was mild enough that if you weren 't moving a light jacket was all you needed and while hiking a t - shirt was fine . ( There were moments of incredible wind while we were up on the wall , though . ) The section of the wall our guide took us to is not the section designed for tourists . There is no lift up to the wall and it is not restored . It 's the real deal and we climbed it . ( Sadly , there were no t - shirts for sale stating that fact . An oversight , I 'm sure . . . maybe if we were at the more touristy part . ) So , the Great Wall is up on top of the mountains surrounding Beijing . And since the wall is no top , to get to it , you have to climb up the mountain . Happily , stairs were built to access the wall . 1100 stairs . It made Baiyun mountain look like a piece of cake . Here is what the view looked like from about a quarter of the way up . The whole area is filled with nut and fruit orchards . Our guide said that in a month everything will be green and all the trees will be filled with flowers . I 'm sure the view is breathtaking . On we go . H . was a trooper . At first she wasn 't overly happy about all the stairs . We alternately pulled her along by the hand and coaxed her with snacks and water . And we rested a lot . You could just tell she was thinking she got the crazy family and was this going to be her life forever and ever . We 're getting closer . This is the section of the wall we 're going to climb . ( Yes , that 's after the 1100 stairs to get here . ) Later on we will show you pictures from that guard house . Here is a shot of some of the stairs we just came up . Emphasis on some . J . played sherpa for the way up . You 'll notice that everyone has shed their coats . We started out having each child carry his or her own coat . You can see how long that lasted . On the wall . On this section it is still relatively well paved and quite easy to walk on . But look at that section just up ahead . . . the one with all the scrub growing on it . That 's where we 're going and it is not so easy . Here are TM and A . still on part of the good section . They must be part mountain goat because they just seemed to scamper up without any difficulty . This doesn 't look terribly impressive because I was using the telephoto feature . But here is what it looked like from where I was standing . This is the view of the wall behind us which we didn 't climb . That section that A . and TM were on is pretty steep . So steep chains have been added to aid climbers . Here 's a view of J . helping H . down one of the better sections . I have mentioned about H . 's eyesight and lack of depth perception , so this would be challenging enough . What we have also noticed is that she has no muscles . There is no strength in her thighs which makes going down very difficult . She won 't even jump off something without help . ( I don 't think it 's something to be concerned about , I think it 's just from lack of use . ) Climbing the wall was very challenging for her . Since she has such difficulty on the ' easy ' section , we were really not sure about taking her on the harder one . I was willing to sit with her and wait for the others to go and come back and we told H . she could sit and wait for Ba Ba ( Daddy in Mandarin ) . H . would have none of it . TM and A . had already gone on and were out of sight and she was keeping up with them no matter what . No matter what we did , we couldn 't convince her to stop . ( I really was concerned about her getting back down . . . I wasn 't sure she could do it . ) But , I think she has a strong competitive streak ( she 'll fit right in ) , and she was going on . With or without us . So on we went . We all made it to the top of the guard tower . The views were pretty impressive . And so was the drop . Remember my panic in the lighthouse ? I don 't like edges and my children near each other . J . made me turn around while he took this picture . See ? It 's a long way down . I don 't think I 'm being unreasonable . A Swedish family was also with us and they took this picture of the five of us . But then it was time to go down . Once again TM and A . had no difficulty . This is a pretty good view of the rougher section , except it doesn 't really communicate its steepness . We got down with H . , though we didn 't move quickly . I shouldered all the luggage because the way it worked best was for J . toI think most of us fell asleep in the van on the way back to Beijing , but we woke up enough to visit a tea house where we got to learn about how the Chinese brew tea and try several different kinds . I love tea and all things related to tea . For our bank account 's sake we probably shouldn 't have stopped , but we may never be back , right ? I needed some things from my daughter 's country , right ? Humor me . We 're back at the hotel and feeling happily tired and not too hungry , so I think we 'll go upstairs and enjoy the free happy hour that comes with the room . ( That will be a post for another day . ) Tomorrow we go to see the Forbidden City and Tienanmen Square and A . is hoping to do just a little bit of shopping . Then in the afternoon we head to Shepherd 's Field Children 's Village so we can visit it and H . can say her last good - byes . I don 't know what to expect from that visit . . . prayers are appreciated . We may not have internet from this point onward . I don 't know what to expect at Shepherd 's Field where we 'll spend the night , so this could be my last post from China . We arrive in Chicago on Monday afternoon . We are happy for people to meet us at the airport , contact our friends who are watching the children for details . It 's a United flight and I think it is due in about 4 : 20pm . A quick post just to let everyone know we have arrived safely in Beijing . It was a long day of traveling , though . We have been having difficulty logging into blogger and facebook , so am taking advantage of this moment of connected - ness . Tomorrow we go see the sites of Beijing . I am hoping that our VPN connection will keep working so I can post pictures of our day . ( That would be Virtual Private Network which somehow circumvents the system and allows us access to websites that are not allowed . ) For our last day in Guangzhou , a group of us decided to go to the Baiyun Mountain Park , another very large park in the city . Baiyun Mountain is quite tall and the park around it is very lush and some early spring flowers were out making it quite colorful as well . Instead of walking up , which takes about an hour , we all chose to ride the electric trams up . The trams stop about halfway up , where this amazing vista is . I know it is very hazy , but if you look carefully you can make out some dark shapes toward the horizon . These are sky scrapers and it really showed us just how big Guangzhou is . The entire width of the vista was an arc of tall buildings . We then proceeded to begin the climb to the top . It wasn 't straight stairs . . . along the way were places to rest and things to look at . Such as these carved dragons . We didn 't make it quite to the top . I think we probably got at least two thirds of the way there . The families who did make it reported that it was over 800 steps . H . was a trooper and kept right on climbing with us without complaint . Instead she busied herself by practicing her English counting by counting the steps as we went up . She is pretty good up to 20 and there were many sets of 20 as we went up . We decided at one point that it was best that we turn around . Going down was a little more difficult for H . , but she kept up and remained cheerful . See : When we got back to the midway point of the mountain , we sat and ate lunch . One thing about Chinese parks is they 're well used . We 've seen ball room dancing classes . ( Even dance classes up at the midway point on the mountain which means the students walked up first and then danced . ) People also do tai chi , badminton , jump rope , and hackey sack . But it 's not like American hackey sack , but played with something that looks a bit like a badminton birdie . There were some for sale where we bought lunch , so A . bought one and A . and TM decided to join the natives and play their game . They stopped when they realized that they had gathered a crowd who were watching We decided to call it a day and go back to the hotel . To get back down the mountain we took the cable car . I think H . enjoyed the cable car . We also did some walking around in the markets a bit later on , but had a short amount of time and didn 't really find the area we were looking for . We did see quite a few chickens in crates which TM lobbied to take home , having declared them cute . I know we are having a particularly easy experience with H . and we may still face some challenges in the future , but adopting an older child has been pretty great for us . And we are still getting to experience some " firsts " with her even though she is nine . In some ways these firsts are a little bittersweet for me because my heart is saddened at all she has missed , but I am thrilled that I get to be the one to allow her to experience so many new things . Take tonight for instance . I have been going slowly with the whole bath - thing because it was evident that it made her nervous . She was much more comfortable standing in the tub and just pouring water over herself to get clean . Well , I thought we 'd try a real bath tonight and see how it went . J . ran a bath with bubbles and then I took her in and showed her the tub filled with bubbles . She was entranced by them and happily got in . I scrounged around the room for things she could use to play with and handed them to her . She caught on immediately to the idea and gave a huge grin and hearty laugh . I then suggested she sit down in the water . Surprisingly , she did so and her face showed the wonder of sitting in a tub filled with warm water . I think I can safely assert this was the first time she had ever done so . I let her play in the tub for a long time while I worked on packing . Then it was time to wash her hair . Before she insisted on my rinsing her hair by pouring water over the top of her head . I did so , but inwardly cringed . I have always laid my children down , supported their heads and carefully rinsed their hair under the running tub faucet . As extra protection , I have them hold a washcloth over their eyes . ( Can you tell I have my own personal issues about water in my face ? ) Tonight I convinced her that I could hold her head and rinse her hair . She wasn 't entirely convinced at first , but after she figured out what I was doing she cooperated . But it wasn 't just cooperating , she laughed with joy the whole time . It was as if she had never imagined that having her hair washed could be pleasant . I wasn 't quite sure if I wanted to laugh or cry with her . And those picture cards I made to help us communicate ? Well , they are proving useful , but not in the way I imagined . We have been able to communicate pretty well , but H . has taken to using them to learn English . She will look at a card and either say the English word or ask what it is . Today she held up the card with the angry face and said , " Angry " . Then she said , " H . not angry , H . happy ! " The Amazon widget contains a list of many of my favorite family read - alouds . Some of my all - time favorite all - time ( in all categories ) can be found here . Full disclosure : I am an Amazon Associate which means I receive a small percentage of the amount spent through any of my Amazon links . For those who choose to shop this way , thank you ! I seem to have hit a wall . Actually I hit the wall about 11 : 30 this morning when I called J . at work and burst into tears . ( Lucky man . ) I ma . . . |
This year , we spent Christmas mostly at Carol and Daryl 's home and it was a lot of fun , like it always is , but had something special added . Teresa and Tom were able to come into town and visit with us . They came from far away in Alabama and had to drive two days to get to see us . Teresa is Carol 's younger sister and Tom is Teresa 's husband . Tom and Teresa came to my house some too , and did some things around the house for me . Teresa and I played with my new Cameo Silhouette cutting machine and Tom fixed an inset for a sewing machine cabinet that made it possible for me to use it as a desk . ( The old sewing machine had been removed from the cabinet , leaving a hole in the top of the cabinet ) . He also hung a picture for me that used to be over my mantle in the house where I used to live in Tennessee . At Carol 's house , we exchanged gifts ( that was a lot of fun ) , and we ate , and we played games . We enjoyed watching the little kids open gifts and play with them . There was a lot of talking and catching up on stuff that had been happening since we last saw one another . We ate some more , and played some more games . We looked at each others gifts . We enjoyed our time together . It was over too soon . I loved all the gifts I received , but even more so , I enjoyed the wonderful times together that we had . Carol is a gracious hostess and Daryl is a great host , as well . The spirit of love lives on in their home . Of course , we missed having Daniel , Whitney and their four children being there with us , but we did visit with them via Skype and enjoyed that tremendously . We loved having all of the rest of us there together . Of course , we all missed my Dubby but we know he is with our Lord and Savior , Jesus Christ , so there was no sorrow for Dubby , just happiness in knowing that truth . That was what my Christmas was like this year . Now for a few pictures . Those are the pictures that I had on my camera . Unfortunately , I didn 't get pics of Andrew and Julia with their two sweet children , but I have the pictures in my head . Sorry , I can 't share them with you . I have some wonderful memories of my church family during this season as well . We had a Christmas party a week before Christmas and had a lovely time . I also had my family come to church with me on Christmas day and that was wonderful as well . I feel so very blessed . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Posted by Well , I was lying in bed this morning watching the early news ( about 4 : 45 a . m . ) and saw a story about a little girl who had called the open line to the station the other day . She asked Santa for some gifts and told how they were not going to have any Christmas this year . It turns out that she and her brother are being raised by grandma , and she has been out of work for several months . The little girl asked for food among other things . The response was overwhelming , of course . It got me to thinking about how our hearts are so tender towards those in need , especially around this time of the year . It is very touching to see such stories , and I know much of it is due to the fact that many of us know what it is like to be without . We also find it sorrowful to think of those who don 't have basic necessities of life , and also those who don 't have any gifts for their children . There are those people who object to having a nativity scene in a public place on public property and want to add non - Christian objects to the scene ( like Santa , or Frosty , etc . ) This happened in a small town in Texas . What is wrong with people ? Don 't they know that without Christ there would be no Christmas ? Duh ! I believe it is just naturally built into our hearts to want to help others . God created us and we are just naturally " programmed " to reach out to help our fellow man , if we have not succumbed to the evils of thinking only of ourselves to the exclusion of others . We are affected by the sorrows of those around us , and want to relieve their suffering . How long has it been since you shed tears over the plight of someone else ? Did it stop there , or did you do something about it ? Just asking . . . It is only two more days until we will awaken on Christmas morning and get ready to exchange gifts . I hope you will have a lovely day . I have talked with Teresa this morning and they are in Arkansas and should be here soon . It will be wonderful having us all together on Sunday . I trust we will be able to visit with Daniel in Illinois via Skype . Well , that is about it for today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Thank you for all your prayers this year on our behalf . More later . bye for now . Posted by Well , I have finally almost finished all my Christmas gift making . I am still working on great grandson Roman 's quilt . I am still waiting to receive the binding I ordered a week ago . It is supposed to be here today by FedEx . I did get through wrapping all of the Christmas gifts that were ready to wrap . I finished them this morning . I just about ran out of ribbon , though . I thought I had purchased enough the other day , but nope . I have been reduced to scrabbling through old ribbon to finish up . My wrapping techniques leave a lot to be desired , but I think it is what is inside the package that counts , don 't you ? Don 't you hate getting a beautifully wrapped gift and finding the inside doesn 't live up to the wrapping ? Yesterday afternoon , grandson Matt came over and did some cleaning up of viruses on my computer or at least installing a program that does take care of finding and letting me get rid of them . Thank you , Matt ! Between him and Son - in - law , Tom , my two computer gurus , my computer stays pretty healthy . Last evening I went to Carol and Daryl 's annual neighborhood Christmas party that they have been doing for the time they have lived here . This year was 23rd one , I think . There were about 25 people there last evening . ( I did not do a head count , but I think that must be about how many were there ) . Everyone brought snack food , and if anyone left hungry , it had to be their own doing . I took a tray of crackers with some dip in the center . The dip was made of a mixture of Underwood deviled ham , Philly Cream Cheese ( Cream cheese with herbs and chives ) and some well - chopped pecans . Very simple and quite yummy . Of course , I took pictures and here they are . As you can see , we had people of all ages there at the party . We had a lot of fun , and did the game where you get to take someone 's gift away from them if you like the one they got better than the one you got . Just a few more days and the old fellow with the white beard and red suit makes his way around the globe in just one night , leaving gifts for those who have Grammy I have also been doing the regular stuff , like spending some time with Andrew and Julia 's two little adorable girls , going to Sunday School and Church , choir practice , etc . On Saturday , I decided it was time to get out and go to the Artisan Theater , so I called them and got my reserved ticket to see Scrooge , the Musical . It was really quite excellent ( as always ) and I sat beside a lady named Annie . I spoke with her quite a bit and also with her husband , whose name I did not get . He and I talked about our memories of World War II . Isn 't it wonderful how one can meet such interesting people , if we take the time to interact ? I got to spend some Skype time with daughter , Teresa , on Friday and that is always a pleasure . I showed her what I had completed of her grandson , Roman 's , quilt that I am making for him . I only had two rows completed at that time and now I have eight rows finished , with just seven to go . I should have that finished by Wednesday . I had to order binding to go around it , because I couldn 't find the color I wanted at Hobby Lobby . Last evening , I went to see the children at my church perform a musical , and it was delightful . Don 't you love to see the little ones appearing onstage ? I loved it . You never know what they are going to do instead of what they are supposed to do . So cute ! They did not disappoint . We gave them a standing ovation . Well , it is 5 : 30 a . m . and I have been up since 5 , and it won 't be long before the innards are awake , yelling for food . Ha ha ha . They will just have to wait awhile , because I want to get on with my work . I think I will just kind of hibernate today and get some more stuff out of the way . I hope to get the house cleaned up this weekend . ( I can hear it shouting . . . . " YES ! YES ! IT IS TIME YOU DID ! " ) ha ha ha . I do have clean laundry to fold , floors to sweep up sewing scraps from . I do have a waste basket next to my sewing table , but somehow , all the scraps don 't make it into it . Go figure ! This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Posted by I didn 't realize how long it had been since I last posted , until I was reminded by Carol and Daryl this morning . I have been so very busy acting like one of Santa 's elves ( making Christmas gifts ) that I just hadn 't taken the time . HOWEVER . . . . today is Carol 's birthday and when I called her to wish a happy one , she reminded me and I said , " Oh yeah , I guess I better let my friends , and neighbors , and family that I am still kickin ' up the dust . " I wanted to tell you a little bit about when Carol was born . Her dad , Charlie , and I lived in Fort Wayne , Indiana , where it really gets cold , and we did not have a car . He rode to work with one of his fellow employees , and when we went anywhere else we traveled by city bus . Usually , after the first snow fell , we didn 't see the ground until springtime . So , since it was December when Carol was born , there was snow on the ground and some ice on the sidewalks . My sister , Margaret , was up in Indiana to help me out when Carol was born . She had come up the week before , so she rode with me on the city bus to the doctor 's office . When I went to the doctor 's office that morning , she told me that they were going to do a Caesarian section delivery and that I should go from her office to the hospital , which was not far from her office . My blood pressure was elevated to a dangerous level , and I was in a preeclampsia state . Carol was born at 9 p . m . that same evening , and the doctor said she came into the world crying . I had never been in a hospital until that time and had no idea what I was in for . The needles , the transfusions , the bedpans , all those wonderful experiences of hospital life that I have experienced in the years in between then and now . Life for me changed forever with the birth of Carol , and I learned what it was to become a mother . I still don 't know much about birthin ' no babies , because Teresa who came along three and a half years later was born by C - section as well . I don 't know nothin ' ' bout no labor pains , thank God . I do know about pain from surgery , however , and when Then they looked up and saw a sign that said one way and they were the ones going the wrong way . I laughed so hard , and had to hold my tummy to keep from hurting . If you can believe it , I was in the hospital for a week , which was not unusual for those days . Nowadays they send you home without enough time to recover . We named her Carol for two reasons : Carol is the feminine form of the name Charles , and she was born near Christmas which made her our Christmas Carol . Here are some pictures : This week , I had a bathroom commode replaced in my guest bathroom , ( so if you come to visit , you will have a place to use . . ha ) . On Monday , I went to Home Depot and met with the young man who did the work for me , so that we could get the new commode and get it here . So , as we were walking through the store , we started discussing the old commode and what to do with it . He said he would carry it off for me , or I could just keep it if I wanted to . I replied , " Hey , I could just put it in the yard and plant daisies in it ! " He said , " Yeah , you would soon have the Homeowner 's association meeting to discuss it . " Then I commented that would be nothing compared to the reaction I would get from family . A few minutes later , I just got so tickled , I started laughing out loud . A few of the other customers kind of looked at me like I was a little looney , because I was kind of by myself , since Scott had walked on ahead of me a ways . The more I thought about it the funnier it became as I pictured the commode sitting on my front lawn with flowers growing up through the seat . Ha ha ha ha . Anyway , Scott carried it off , so please don 't worry . ha . Yesterday , Scott came back and installed grab bars in the shower in my bathroom and the guest bathroom as well . Don 't those grab bars look really nice ? Well , I was able to use the grab bars this morning , and they are wonderful and make me feel so much safer while in and getting out of the tub . I have finished Teresa 's quilt ( one of them ) and am on to other projects during these pre - Christmas days . I have quite a few of them to do , and I reckon keeping busy keeps me out of trouble . Ha ( pretty much , that is ) . This morning , I am so hungry for Sausage gravy and biscuits , and I need to do some grocery shopping , so I am going to Le Peep 's this morning for breakfast , then on to Kroger 's for groceries . Yesterday afternoon was spent pressing cloth that I had laundered in preparation for some of my projects . Today is Wednesday , so I will be going to eat supper at the church and then staying for choir practice . I hope to get started on at least two of the projects today during the afternoon . Well , that is about it for today . It has turned cool here in northeast Texas , and I have turned the heat on in the house . I turn it off just before bedtime and turn on my electric blanket . Ahhhhhh ! I love a cool room and a warm bed . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Well , I don 't know who wound up the most stuffed all over America . . . people or turkeys . . . but we were pretty full when the day was over . I am sure there are people out right now , shopping like there was no time left tomorrow to do any shopping , and for some of them , there probably won 't be . An interesting note . . . police are going to be on the lookout not only for drunk drivers but people driving like they are intoxicated because they are texting . ( My computer doesn 't recognize texting as a valid word . . . ha ) . Speaking of being stuffed , we certainly got our fill of food last evening . I tried to be very good and only had a thin slice of yummy chocolate bundt cake as dessert , and did not eat a lot of the supper , although it was very tasty . We celebrated two birthdays last evening because , even though it was not the actual birthdays but very close to them , it was an opportunity to do so , because most of the family was together . If we had had Teresa and Tom , and Emily and Ben , then it would have been complete . After we celebrated the birthdays with cake and gifts , we sat in the living room and told of some of the things we are grateful for . I can understand why people get depressed around holidays , because it would be so easy for me to do so . When you get together with family , you remember the ones who have gone on ahead of you . I miss my Dubby , and my siblings who have gone on , but especially Dubby . Here are some pictures from last evening . Well , there were lots more pictures taken , but these are some of the best . Needless to say , we had a good time . Carol did a beautiful , tasty supper with the help of others bringing some of the food . Everything was good , though . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye now . More later . Posted by I never know who I am going to meet . She was sitting alone with her head resting on her arms , and she looked quite worn out . I was in McDonald 's getting ready to have my usual Mickey D 's breakfast and looking for someone to give my extra apple pie . I decided to give it to her . She had two rolling suitcases sitting on the floor next to her and her coat was flung across her shoulders . When I offered the pie , she gladly took it and slowly ate it . She thanked me for it and said it hit the spot . I admit it . . . . I was quite curious about her ( so what else is new ? ha ) and so I struck up a conversation with her . She told me she had walked from the corner of Central and freeway 183 and had not slept much last night . I got the idea that she had spent the night there in Wal - mart and the more I talked to her , it became obvious that she is homeless . She revealed to me that she had once been an administrative assistant , and that her parents are both well - educated and successful and that she had laundry that needed to be done in the suitcases . It also became clear to me that she could very well have been tossed out on her ear by her parents . She said that she is following God 's directions in some job that He has for her to do , and that it is a secret that she can 't reveal . According to what I gleaned from her , she has some money that she uses sparingly for small meals and for doing her laundry . She appeared to be in her forties age - wise , and looked healthy enough to be working . Anybody that can walk as many miles as she apparently does , is able - bodied enough to hold a job . I told her that I guess if I were in her place I would be making a list of the jobs I could do and getting a newspaper to check the ads . That was when she said she was waiting for God 's directions in the secret project that he has for her to do . I did learn also that she is waiting to be approved for government assistance . But I was wondering how she is going to get that help if she has no permanent address . Hmmm . I wished her well with a " God Bless you " and left to do my Christmas shopping . This took place on Tuesday morning . Yesterday , my friend Wanda called me and asked if I would like to go to the Outback for lunch , and I said , " Sure ! " So we went and had a great time , laughing and talking . She and I are almost the same age , she being almost a year older than I . I had a yummy filet of steak , and a baked sweet potato . Last evening , I went over to Carol and Daryl 's and had some ( a small amount ) of Spaghetti and salad . Matt and Amy were there and Grammy Say , do you watch commercials ? A lot of people don 't , but I do . I find humor , pathos , silliness , and all the foibles of mankind in them . They are a miniscule picture of our society as it exists today . There is one that has just begun to be shown ( at least , I first noticed it the other day ) and it really bothers me . It is the commercial for the Audi and other automobiles in that group . A young man arrives home for the holidays , and as soon as he enters the house , it is empty , and the parents are just taking off for the holiday in their new automobile . The father looks at the mother and smiles , saying , " He 'll be just fine ! " Now , to me , that commercial is a sad commentary on our times . Families apart , each one going their own way , with no thought of others in their family . Thank God , it is not representative of all families , but the trend does seem to grow each year . I praise God that our family comes together instead of each going their own way . The people in the commercial are obviously wealthy . Hey , maybe that is the difference between them and my family . Another commercial that really bugs me is the one for Target , where the woman in red is exercising getting ready to shop , ( getting in shape so she can run over everyone else to get to the Black Friday bargains ) and then she screams , " IT 's here , it 's here ! " when she looks at the sale paper . PLEASE ! Give me a break ! What it all boils down to is : we are a nation of shoppers . . . give me , get me , I want . . . . I got to get this or that . . . . Oh , my I don 't have my shopping done . . . what can I get for ? . . . . We are a nation that is the wealthiest in the world and we are out to shop and get more . . . . do we want to look at pictures of people in the world who have nothing . . . who live in tents or on the streets with nothing ? No , it is too uncomfortable for us to see . Where am I going later today ? Christmas shopping . . . go figure . We have a Christmas Angel tree at church . I am buying gifts for a 12 year old little girl who would have nothing otherwise . It makes me feel a little better about others . The Lottie Moon Christmas offering will be getting something from me as well . I would urge each of you to do something for someone not in your family that is less fortunate than you . It will give you a measure of good feeling . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Posted by Last evening , friend Joe and his sweet wife picked me up and took me with them to hear a group of country / bluegrass singers and pickers . It was really heartwarming to see and hear them . After they played the Star Spangled Banner , they ripped into Rocky Top . Now , anyone who has ever seen a University of Tennessee Football game knows that is the number one song played during a game , especially when UT scores a touchdown . During the week preceding a football game , fans get revved up when they hear it played on Tennessee radio stations . Hearing it played and sung last night just warmed the cockles of me heart . Made me feel like crying , too . Just for a bit , you understand . The group playing was honoring Decca Records who were a big producer of country and bluegrass music back in the 30 's , 40 's , 50 's , 60 's and 70 's . Music I grew up on and still love to this day . Along with others in the audience , I clapped enthusiastically , cheered , sang along , tapped my feet and just generally enjoyed the whole shebang . Today , I am going shopping at the mall with Carol . She will be here in a few minutes so I had better close this one off . Teresa is doing well and is able to walk without pain . Ain 't God Good ? This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Posted by Have you ever awakened crying or whimpering ? I did early this morning . Of course , I was dreaming . I remember the dream so clearly , even now . Yesterday , my head was itching from fall and winter dryness . Naturally , having been a teacher for twenty - eight years , the first thing I always think of when my head begins to itch is lice . I have never had them , but as a teacher I lived in fear of catching them . I used to have my beautician check my head when I would go in for a haircut and my head would be itchy . Anyway , that must have been on my mind when I went to sleep . I was dreaming that Dubby and I were in our home , and our heads began to be itchy . We discovered that a family had taken up residence in our home ( we must have had a large house , ha ha ) and there was a mother with three children . I thought at first that the kids had lice because they had these rough places on their heads . It turned out to be some kind of sores that were caused by allergies of some kind . But they were staying at our house , and it was meal time , and I was looking in my fridge and freezer for something to feed all of us . There was no meat , and when I looked for potatoes to prepare there were only a few - not enough to feed all six of us , and not much of anything else . I was beginning to feel desperate . . . that was when I woke up whimpering . Wow ! What a dream . There was much more to it but that was the main gist of it . ( Regarding the Occupiers of Dallas ) : When I was watching the news this morning , I saw that the police had moved in around midnight last night and emptied the camp outside City Hall . The city had given the occupiers notice to evacuate and some had already left . There were those who thought they had a long time to leave , so some left peacefully and about 18 others were arrested and carried off in squad cars . A huge amount of trash and a number of tents were left behind . Now there is a huge mess to clean up . Crime had begun to run rampant throughout the encampment . People were urinating in places that were not meant to be used as suOn to another subject : I have allergies to many things , and among them are colognes and perfumes . I can 't even go down the aisle in the store that has air fresheners and detergents without sneezing and wheezing . I get the fabric softeners that are unscented . When I get close to people that are wearing perfumes , colognes , etc . the same thing happens : I sneeze and then my nose begins to drip and run . It is very embarrassing when I am trying to sing in the choir room with the other members and my nose begins to drip and I stand there trying to stop it with my finger and thumb . Last night , I finally just had to go into another room and get some tissues and blow . Then I was able to come back in and take my place again . Of course , by then I was choking up . . . hard to sing when that happens too . Ha . Well , Teresa had her surgery yesterday and when I talked to her hubby , Tom , he said she was doing well ( in pain , but not intolerable ) , so I hope I will get to talk to her some time today . Today , I go back to the eye surgeon and hopefully will get the clear protective lens removed from my eye . It is very annoying , but necessary , I know . Thank you all for prayers on our behalf . I am also going to bake some " Lottie Moon Cookies " like those made by Lottie Moon , the missionary to China so many years ago . Any Baptist can tell you who Lottie Moon was . Every year we take up money to give to the Lottie Moon Christmas Offering to help our foreign missionaries . All the money collected goes into a fund to help them with their work and none of it goes to administration of the funds . Well , that is about it for today . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Posted by I slept quite well last night , too . I had left my tevee on in my bedroom when I went to sleep and I woke up shortly after 1 : 00 a . m . when the power went off . I had gone to bed around 7 : 30 ( quite an early time for me , you know . ) So , I got up and walked through the house to see if all the lights in the neighborhood were off , and they were . ( Yes , I have been living here long enough to walk through the house in the dark without running into anything ) . So I sat down in my recliner to wait for the power to come back on . It was not but about fifteen minutes till the lights were back on , and I went back to bed then . Today is Wednesday , which is always a busy day for me . I go to a Psalms Bible Study at Countryside Bible Church this morning and then this afternoon ( or evening rather ) I go eat at the Woodland Heights Baptist where I am a member , and then have choir practice . In the middle of the day , I usually am busy quilting or some other activity . I will probably trek to the library today and exchange my books for more . My reading has been somewhat suffering lately because of my left eye vision being rather blurry . It kind of messes up my binocular capabilities . Weather is supposed to turn cool again today . Teresa is having her knee surgery today , so please keep her in your thoughts and prayers . I appreciate it and I know she will , too . The protestors are still in Occupation of Dallas . I defend the right of citizens to protest , but I think these people are carrying the protest too far . Many of them are hiding behind masks . I think if a person is going to protest against something , they should have the chutzpah to stand up and be counted as him ( or her ) self . I also think many of them are not really there to be protesting but because they think of it as a lark , and have nothing else to do . ( In other words , not everyone there truly believes in the cause ) . A lot of criminal acts have taken place in these occupations , and a tent city like they have actually is a breeding place for criminal activities . Well , the minutes are paGrammy Well , I reckon that the weather is going to be getting cooler . The leaves on the trees are beginning to turn brown . They were pretty for a couple of weeks . I am hoping that it will be getting so cold that all the rabble rousers who are camped near city hall in Dallas will be driven indoors somewhere else . I know that a lot of riffraff has joined the idiots who are " occupying " Dallas and other cities . A lot of them seem to have the same ideals as those who were affiliated with ACORN , which is supposedly extinct . There are a number of homeless persons who have joined those in the tent city . I feel for them , but I am convinced they are just there for the shelter . It is alarming to see how they all form a mob of ranters and lawlessness . Here is the recipe for old fashioned raisin pie , which came from the back of a commodity box of raisins over forty years ago . By the way , the pan came back empty after the supper last night . 2 c . water Bring water to boiling , add raisins ; cover and cook for 5 minutes . Mix sugar and flour ; stir into raisins . Lower to medium heat . Cook , stirring constantly , until mixture boils . Cook one minute . Remove from heat . Stir in lemon juice and add nuts , if used . Let cool a little bit ( maybe five minutes ) . Pour into unbaked pie crust . I like to make a lattice top crust . I do this by cutting top crust into strips and then weave it as I place it on top of pie . You will need to do this quickly because the heat from the mixture will cause the crust to get very soft . Start in the middle of the crust and work outward . When you have placed top crust on pie , bake for 30 minutes or until crust is browned . YUM ! Well , that is it for today . I have a lot of sewing projects going right now as Christmas gifts , so time is getting short . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Well , they say a person can 't be real trusting of others and I guess I discovered that for myself ( again ) today . After Sunday School this morning , I had a need to stop off in the ladies " necessary " room . We have a traditional service at 8 : 15 , then everyone has Sunday School . So , I was about ready to leave the church . I hate to take my pocketbook and Bible and choir folder into the stall with me , so I just leave it on the wash basin and pick it up after I wash my hands . Well , I decided to have a KFC snack ( one piece of chicken / one side dish with a biscuit ) and proceeded to KFC . I got there and opened my purse to take out my little change purse / credit card holder . LO and behold , it was missing . I thought back over the morning and realized I must have taken it out in the classroom to remove the little eye drop packet I had to take with me . ( Eye drops every hour ) so I went back to the church and searched in the classroom . It wasn 't there . I proceeded to the back pew where I had been sitting during church - not there either . Then on out and into the rest room . There next to the wall , and on the basin sat my credit card holder / purse . With great relief , I picked it up and came back out into the atrium . A couple of ladies that are friends of mine were sitting there and I told them about my plight , and said , " thank goodness , I found it " . I opened it then and saw my credit cards were okay , and then opened the other part of it , and saw that the cash I had in it was gone . I am not sure how much of it I had , but it was at least $ 40 . 00 and could have been as much as 60 . Apparently that was all they took . I am fortunate that they didn 't have time ( apparently ) to take my credit cards . I guess they were just after fast cash . ( I guess the temple that Jesus cleansed was not the only one with thieves and robbers , eh ? ) Well , that was my little misadventure of today . I made the raisin pie last evening and am making the squash casserole after while . I have a couple of hours before I need to begin that . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Posted by Well , it has been a few long days since I last posted . I have been doing a lot of eye drops . Three kinds had to be dropped in four times a day , and another kind had to be dropped in every hour that I was awake . There were also goggles which fit closely to my face and had to be worn at night to protect my operated eye . I have been sleeping in my recliner and not doing too badly at that . Some times when I awakened I didn 't know where I was at first ( disoriented , so to speak ) and it took a few seconds to figure out that I wasn 't in bed . During the day , I was busy sewing , making a baby quilt for Andrew and Julia 's new baby ( not here yet ) boy . On Monday , Mitzi picked me up and we went to eat with the seniors at Cotton Patch Cafe . That was the last day I was out of the house until yesterday , when I drove for the first time and went to spend some time with Julia and their two little girls , Alyssa and Brooke . I got to hold them and read to them . Andrew was just getting up from sleeping to go to work . I am so glad that Julia is able to be a stay at home Mom for their children . She is a really great mom . I went to the eye surgeon today so he could check my eyes and have the clear protective contact lens removed from the operated eye . OOPS . . . not healed enough yet to remove the contact lens , so I have another appointment for next Thursday . It still is about ten percent lacking in being healed . On my way back from Dr . Ranelle 's office , I stopped at Kroger 's for groceries , and some more of the drops that I have to use every hour . I also bought a pair of sunglasses to help me see driving in the sunshine . Our church is having a Thanksgiving supper on Sunday evening , and that way members will be free to celebrate Thanksgiving together without worrying about getting together closer to the actual holiday . I am going to be making a squash casserole and an old = fashioned raisin pie . Yum ! On last Saturday morning , I ordered an embroidery sewing machine and it arrived on Tuesday by UPS . I unpacked it , but haven 't set it up yet . Right now , I have two work tables in my living room , each with a machine on them . I still have to read the instruction books and clear off a place to set it up as I read . Well , my appetite tells me that lunch time has come and gone , and I need to prepare something to eat . I think I may have a tomato , mayo , onion , cheese sandwich . Chicken for supper sounds good , too . I will probably be sewing this afternoon . I hope to spend some time today or tomorrow visiting with Teresa on Skype . I also hope to go to a yard sale sometime this weekend with Carol . On Tuesday , I had a piece of furniture from the yard sale delivered to my home . It is a sewing machine cabinet that must be fifty years old . They removed the machine because I did not want it ; I just wanted the cabinet which I will be using as a desk for my guest bedroom . It will be a good place to do my Bible Studying and teaching preparation . Well , that is about it for today . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . I would appreciate your prayers on behalf of Teresa , who is having knee surgery to repair some torn ligaments on Monday of next week . I know she would as well . Thank you so very much . Thank you for the prayers lifted up in my behalf as well . Bye for now . More later . Posted by Well , I am in " recovery mode " and seem to be doing pretty well . There is some pain in my operated eye , but Tylenol works really well . Didn 't really need the hydrocodone that was prescribed for pain . After all , a tough old bird doesn 't really need the high pain control . Ha . Thank the Lord that I have a high pain tolerance ! I have been sewing some , but discovered last evening that since I can 't really see with both eyes , I need to wait a few days before resuming a lot of sewing . For one thing , I am staying busy just putting eyedrops into my eyes . I have three different drops that must be put in four times a day , and I have to wait at least five minutes between drops . There are other eye drops that must be put in each hour to keep my eye moistened . Speaking of pains . . . what a pain that is ! Ha . I have a clear contact lens in my operated eye , and that lens will be removed when I return on Friday morning to the doctor so he can remove it . If it comes out before then , I am to immediately notify them so I can get it replaced . I haven 't tried driving yet , but will do so on Friday to return to the doctor . My repairman , Scott , will be returning sometime today to repair the leaky commode in my guest bathroom . He did a super job on the garage ceiling , and I am so thankful for that . My sleeping in the recliner has been going fairly well . I can sleep as much and as well in the recliner as I have been sleeping in my bed , thank goodness ! Mitzi is coming by this afternoon to take me to eat with the seniors . We are going to the Cotton Patch Cafe for supper . Are you coping well with the time change back to Standard Time ? It doesn 't make a great deal of difference to me , except for the earlier darktime . I really do love the Daylight Savings Time , though . Well , that is about it for today . More rest today , I guess . I need to fold clothes from laundry I did the other day , and will do that after breakfast . Right now , I need to do the eye drops . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Posted by Well , I have been to the eye surgery today and it was not a bad or unpleasant experience . The people were wonderful at the surgery , and the doctor was really quite excellent at what he does . He is a very nice person , too . When I went back to have the surgery ( into the surgery suite ) , they gave me a Valium to calm my nerves and I expected to really feel the effects of it - you know that calm all over feeling of drowsiness when you are on a sedative - ha ! no effect as far as I could tell . But that is okay . . didn 't even feel sleepy when I got back home . They helped me to lie down on the narrow padded bed thingy , and he taped my eyelids down so they would be out of the way , and put a shield over the non - operative eye . Then he inserted a clamp under my eyelids to keep my eye open . Next he proceeded to use the laser to remove as much of the epithelial cells as he could . Then he stopped a couple of times and we went out into an examining room so that he could check the results . Then back into the surgery room to continue with the same procedure , until he got what he felt was the best results . He washed my eye with saline solution , and added more drops of medication , and finally put the clear contact lens into my eye , which will remain for a week . Tomorrow morning , Carol will return with me for him to check my eye , and I have three eye drops that must be used four times a day , along with eye drops that must be used every hour while I am awake . Of course , that doesn 't count the eye drops that I used each night before bed time for my Glaucoma . I am going to be " dropped out " before all this is over . Ha ha . So far my eye is not causing me any pain to speak of . I do have some Hydrocodone if I need it , but will probably be taking only regular stuff for pain . They gave me some really cool protective eyewear for night time . I feel like I should have a scarf around my neck to protect me against the wind when I am piloting a little pre - world war II airplane . Don 't I look really cool ? Ha . Yeah , I just had to have Carol take my picture . I couldn 't pass up the opportunity . You know me . . . Ha ha . Carol did the drive through thing at KFC for our lunch , and brought me home and got me settled for my lunch , then went home to fix lunch for Daryl . He is on thGrammy Well , it was another escape for me , I know . Thank you , Jesus ! The LORD is good , all the time . I wasn 't actually under it , but I could have been , because it could have happened anytime I was in the garage . It just happened yesterday morning while I was still in bed , around 6 a . m . Yeah , if you read my posting yesterday , you know that I heard a big ka - whomp ! and didn 't know what it was when I was posting . I had gone out to the garage before posting and looked at the huge spring over my garage door , thinking it could have broken again like it did last year . But that wasn 't it . So I went out to the garage again after I posted , just to look around again . I happened to look over at the ceiling of the garage and saw the big gaping hole in the drywall ceiling . GASP ! Yep , like I said , it could have happened as easily while I was under it , either getting into or out of my car . The falling plasterboard grazed the side of my car but doesn 't seem to have damaged it . Of course , after moving some of the plasterboard that was lying beside my car , I went inside and got my camera . No need to waste a Canon Power Shot moment , was there ? Ha . I called Carol and she and Daryl came over and cleared a bit of it away and then Daryl called a friend of his who does this kind of work and is out of work right now . So , Scott ( his friend ) and Daryl came over around 11 : 30 and we made arrangements for Scott to do the work . He is supposed to come over around 1 : 00 this afternoon and work on it . He would probably have come this morning , but I have errands to run today . Yesterday , my friend , Mitzi , and I went to lunch at the Cotton Patch Cafe and she is going to come by for me on Monday to take me out to eat supper with the seniors . Isn 't that sweet of her ? We had a really nice time getting acquainted and just generally having a gabfest . It was very good . Yesterday , I got a phone call and as usual , didn 't know who he was on the other end when he asked for Ruby . ( me ) I said , " You got her ! " He identified himself as Casey from Texas Toyota where I take my car to be serviced . I said " yes ? " He very meekly asked , " Would you like to buy a new vehicle ? " He took me by surprise asking me that , and I laughed and said , " I reckon not , but thanks for calling . " He said , " okay " and we disconnected . I thought to myself that I bet he doesn 't sell many cars with an approach like that . He didn 't even give me any kind of sales pitch . He kind of acted like the fellow on radio who was a traveling salesman on a show . He would knock and say , " Nobody home , I hope , I hope , I hope ! " I don 't remember the character 's name . Maybe some of you all do . ( It was a radio show from the 1940 's , folks ) . Today , a visit to Walmart , to the Library and to Kroger 's , in that order . I am going to have a sausage , egg biscuit for my breakfast and a late lunch , early supper . Which reminds me , I need to take some chicken from the freezer and put it in the fridge to thaw to cook for supper . I plan to be out of the house in about thirty minutes . Lasik surgery on my eye in the morning is taking place . Thank you for the prayers that I know will be going up in my behalf . Cold weather has hit Texas , and it is supposed to be down to freezing tonight . I am going to leave the heat off as long as it is comfortable . I have pretty good insulation in my house . Well , that is about it for Blabbin ' Grammy today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Posted by Well , I am posting some pictures of first four rows of quilt so that those of you who are interested can view it . I am hoping to get it finished by Thanksgiving . I think I have a handle on it now . I am posting three pics . One of left side , one of right side , and a longwise pic of the four rows from the end . The final eight rows will be a repeat of the first four two times . I call it a zig - zag quilt . This morning I have been up long enough to clean my kitchen and make my bed . I have plans for lunch today , and also expect to hear from my eye surgeon 's office to see what time I am being scheduled to have the lasik surgery on my left eye on Friday . My house kind of looks not too neat today but maybe by lunch time , it will look better . I will be sewing again tomorrow , and am taking today off . I still need to put the first pre - surgery eye drop in ( four of those today and tomorrow ) . Also a shower is in order right after breakfast . Tonight is choir practice and supper at the church . Wednesdays are always busy . A big lambanging this morning startled me , and I still don 't know what it was . I thought at first it could be the garage door again . ( Last year the big spring broke at the top of the door and was replaced ) . I don 't know if it was an earthquake , a car hitting something or what it was . I may never know . Anyhow , that is what got me out of bed this morning . Well , friends and neighbors , that is about it for today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Bye for now . More later . Posted by Well , I have been thinking over the past few days about what I would like to post when I can get around to it . My hands have been busy for the last little while , working on Teresa 's quilt and not really considering anyone would miss my ramblings . However , I got a reminder from a dear friend of mine that people do become concerned when they don 't hear from me . ( Imagine that ? ) I have begun assembling the quilt and yesterday I moved the sewing machine into the living room so that I can watch the big tevee as I work . Also , I am realizing that this quilt is going to have a lot of " character " . Character in a quilt is when it has flaws in the workmanship . Ha . The first strip I put together , I was not happy with the first time I stitched it together . I ripped it out twice and stitched it a third time , and still am not happy with it , but it will have to be as it is . I wanted perfect and am not getting it . I know it is because of the applique stitching around the pieces . Too late now . Three strips were assembled and I had pinned the fourth one when I quit at nine o ' clock last evening . I did stop for breakfast , and lunch / supper . I did have some wonderful company yesterday - me and the tevee . The Lord was with me as well , as always . I did not go out anywhere yesterday and will not do so today . Tomorrow , however , is another matter . I have plans to go to lunch with a friend of mine named Mitzi . Aren 't friends wonderful ? I don 't know her very well yet , since we just met a few weeks ago , but plan to get to know her better . I watched House last night , and enjoyed it again . Last season was not too good , but this one is better . I 'm looking forward to seeing The Closer when it returns for a new season the last of this month . The seasons are just too short for that one . The weather is turning cooler and I have put my electric blanket back on my bed . Not turning it on yet , but it is ready any time the weather turns cool enough . It is supposed to be near 80 today , but turning cooler tomorrow , with a cold front moving in . I enjoy staying in and sewing , and just kind of hibernating . We are still in a drought in northern Texas , and in some counties , they have placed a restriction on watering lawns to one time every two weeks until in March . According to the weatherman , we are eleven inches behind on rainfall this year . All the lakes and rivers are down . I reckon it is okay to announce that Andrew and Julia are expecting a little boy . ( Another adorable great grandchild , and we are all looking forward to welcoming him ! ) He will have two older sisters , that I know will probably have a great time with him . Congrats to all of them ! I love you all . I will love making a quilt for him , of course . Well , that is about all the news for today . I am going to go have some breakfast in a bit . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for today . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . ( Hi , Dot ! . . . love you ! ) Posted by Well , today dawned cooler and is turning even cooler , so I decided ( after hearing the weather forecast last night ) that I would have vegetable beef soup for my lunch / supper today . So about 7 a . m . I went into the kitchen and took the package of stew beef from the fridge and found the very leanest parts of it ( with no white strips in it ) and cut them into very tiny pieces . The other pieces I put back into the fridge to go into the garbage bag in the morning to toss out . A waste of good meat , you say ? Nah , not when you are trying to watch the amount of fat going into your arteries . Anyhoo , I saved about half of the good beef and put it into the freezer for future soup , and the other half I put into the tiny crockpot which was already set on ' High ' and added a can of unsalted diced tomatoes with Italian seasonings , a small half bag of frozen soup vegetables , a little bit of water , some Louisiana Hot sauce for " kick " and slapped the lid on the crock pot . YUM ! It is simmering , even as I write . Yesterday was a quite busy day for me . I went to Wednesday Bible Study at Countryside , then dropped off my rider at her home , went on to Walmart to return unfitting clothing , and then to Kroger 's to get groceries . I checked my cellphone , which had been on ' silent ' while in Bible Study , and saw that daughter , Carol , had just called . I returned the call and she invited me to eat lunch with her , and of course , I welcomed the opportunity . We met at Mooyah 's and had a small burger and fries . I ate about half of mine and left the rest . We had a good time talking while eating and then she went to run errands and I returned to Kroger 's to get groceries . I got home in time to watch a Closer rerun , and put away my groceries . I was a little worn out , so I watched tevee until around 5 p . m . and then went to my church for supper and choir practice . Finally , I arrived back home around 7 : 30 and decided to sew some more . I did another panel of the quilt I am making , and now just have another seven to do before beginning to put it all together . It is getting really exciting , don 't you know ? Today is going to be a " stay in and sew day " . It is supposed to rain a little later today and I always look forward to days like this . I don 't have to worry about dressing and can just be in my gown and housecoat all day . Yeah . . . kind of a slob day . Before I went into the kitchen to prepare my breakfast , I started a panel of the quilt and will finish it after I get through here with my blog post for today . Oh , yeah , I took a bill down to the mail box this morning to mail , and got yesterday 's mail from the box . It is that time of year when older citizens get all the mail trying to convince us to change our Medicare Insurance companies . Here in Texas , we also get a lot of mail trying to persuade us to change our electricity carriers . It is not like East Tennessee where we have just one carrier available . The electric companies here have been deregulated and can charge whatever they choose according to the increase in usage . I am still getting a lot of mail from the insurance companies addressed to my deceased husband . Speaking of my post , I reckon maybe I have finished it for today . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Posted by Today is Whitney 's birthday . Whitney is my granddaughter ( by marriage to my grandson , Daniel - but no less my granddaughter ) and is dearly loved . Now , I can 't tell you how old she is - mostly because I am not sure , but also because you just don 't tell a woman 's age without her permission . Whitney is a lovely person , a wonderful wife to Daniel , and a great mom to their four children . Today , I am going to be sewing some more and not going out anywhere outside . The day stretches before me . I hope I get a lot done today . We shall see . I went to Wally World yesterday , and bought a pair of pants . I tried them on last night . Oh , My Goodness ! I was greatly disappointed . I don 't take time to try on clothing when I am shopping . It is much easier to do it at home . You may be asking , " What was wrong with them ? " Well , I 'm telling you that they only came half way up my belly . Thanks to Brittney Spears , one has real difficulty finding pants that fit around the waist . Ever since she sprang onto the stage with her below the belly button style , clothes that look decent have all but disappeared . Just try finding pants that fit comfortably . I have a couple of pair of the pants that almost reach the natural waist . They feel like they are about to slip right off my body . I always have to be pulling them up . So , thank you so very much , Brittney ! I will be returning the pants I bought yesterday on tomorrow when I get back from Bible Study . It is almost noon time and I better stop this for right now and get busy sewing . This is Blabbin ' Grammy signing off for now . Much love to each of you , my friends and family . Bye for now . More later . Posted by Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy ! |
Corinne thinks this house is hiding something . Their spotted dog whines every time he passes the door to the basement . But when Corinne tells Mama and Camellia this , they ignore her . Corinne is used to that . Camellia and Mama never see what Corinne sees . Camellia is tall , like Mama . Corinne is short . Camellia is smart , like Mama . Camellia always says the right thing . Corinne never says the right thing . Corinne 's hair is the color of dust , instead of golden , like Camellia 's hair . So Corinne leaves them , feeling very lonely . She wants to cry but doesn 't let herself . Grown - ups do not cry . Grown - ups are beautiful . They whisper and tell secrets . Corinne wants to be brave . She walks downstairs and explores . So what if it is so dark she can hardly see ? So what if she hears a scratch - scratch - scratch in the corner ? Corinne tiptoes near . She touches the door . Her hand closes around a handle as cold as ice and thin as a tongue . Corinne pauses . Maybe it isn 't smart to go waltzing through strange doors like this . It looks like the world Corinne knows , and yet different . Here , everything is scratchy and dark , like the world has been drawn by a shaky pen . Here , instead of stars in the sky , there are thousands of blinking white eyes . Once Camellia and Mama are asleep , Corinne puts on her hat and winter coat and boots and sneaks into the basement . Every night , she explores the world through the door downstairs . She begins to think of this world as her world . Corinne watches a herd of strange animals . A bird with tall , tall legs and a beak like a giant silver trap . An alligator with two heads . Brown rabbits with curling sharp teeth . One night , while exploring , Corinne finds a boy , lying on the ground . His eyes are not quite so silver and foggy as the others ' . He points to the black X on his chest . He whispers something . Corinne finds the tall , dark door in the air that leads back home . She opens it and barrels through , into her basement . The spotted dog is panting in her arms , quite beside himself . Corinne holds their hands and cries . It is her fault this has happened . How careless of her , to have forgotten to close the door . Even if she was scared , that is no excuse . Camellia would never be so scared as to forget to close an important door . " I will figure out what happened to you , " she declares . " And I will save you , even . . . " Corinne looks at the spotted dog , who is most helpfully cleaning his left foot . " Even if I don 't know how to save you , " says Corinne . " Even if you never tell me any of your secrets . I would rather have you back and never talk to me at all . I would rather that than see you like this . " Oh . Oh , yes . Corinne sees it now - herds of creatures , crowds of people . They all have those foggy silver eyes , and black Xs on their chests . Like Mama and Camellia do . Everyone is hurrying south , away from those mountains . He is shaped like a person , but he is as large as a boat . He has wings , and his belly is bulging , and his back has a crooked hump . He is made up of too many things to count , all of them slithering around each other like a ball of worms . He is frightening , but the pieces of him are beautiful . He cranes his long neck down to look at Corinne . A hundred eyes form in the middle of the Marrowman 's face - blue eyes , black eyes , human eyes , cat eyes . The biggest eye is yellow and taller than Corinne . " Well , " says the Marrowman , " why don 't you stay ? I can show you how to steal hearts and use them for yourself . Then you won 't ever have to feel that way again . " Corinne thinks , " It would be easy to eat them , wouldn 't it ? It would be over in a minute or two . And then Camellia and Mama would be forever inside me . I would know all their secrets . I would be as smart and tall and perfect as they are . I would be their favorite . They would love me best of all . " It was a nice thought , for a while . To be as powerful and strong and strange and beautiful as the Marrowman . To have her mother 's and sister 's hearts locked up inside her . She clutches one heart in each hand , and runs - back through the tall , dark mountains . Back through the moaning forests . Back across the fields of white bone . But Corinne has a spotted dog . She has the hearts of her mother and sister , too , and they have a small blue house . Corinne thinks of these things , and her feet come off the ground . The spotted dog jumps into her coat , and the hearts she carries grow wings of bright white light . She kneels between Mama and Camellia . She opens their mouths and gently feeds them their hearts . She pretends they are sick and she is spooning them chicken soup , but instead of soup , it is soft , warm light . " Corinne ? Sweet Corinne ? " says Mama , sitting up . Her eyes are brown now . Mama 's eyes , and Mama 's soft , lullaby voice . " I will tell you at supper , " says Corinne . It can 't be wrong to have this one secret , just for a little while . " But first , we have a job to do . " Summer camp , and me and Matías are walking down to the lake for kayaks , which we don 't like that much . Everyone else is already down there . So when we come to that fork in the path , where you go to the right to get to the lake , we didn 't exactly decide or talk about it , but we just took the left fork instead . So down the left path . And at first I don 't notice , ' cause me and Mat are talking , but after a while what he 's saying sort of fades out , and I notice how on this path the woods keep getting denser , and the dead leaves under our feet get darker and softer , and you can 't hear the lake at all anymore . You can 't hear hardly anything at all , even the birds are quiet . This door is just standing there , surrounded by trees , inside a wooden door frame . It 's painted dark blue , like the darkest midnight blue , and the paint looks old , all cracked and peeling . It has a regular doorknob , brass or whatever . Then Mat starts laughing , like this is the most hilarious thing he 's ever seen . I sort of see why he 's laughing , it is pretty funny - I mean who brought a door out here ? or did there used to be a house , and now a door is all that 's left ? But for some reason I don 't feel exactly like laughing . I keep noticing all the quiet . Mat walks up to the door . I say , " Hey , man , maybe you shouldn 't . . " and he stops and looks back at me , smiling , like , " Shouldn 't what ? " And I can 't think of what I was going to say , can 't think of a good reason not to touch the door . It 's so weirdly quiet here isn 't a good reason . Mat picks up a stick like it 's a briefcase . He puts his hand on the doorknob and looks back at me , saying in this fake deep , jolly voice : " Well , goodbye kids , I 'm off to the forest office ! Forest pizza for dinner tonight ! " And he opens the door , still looking at me , and walks through . I wait for him to come back around from the other side . But he doesn 't . So I guess he 's hiding on the other side , for a joke ? and I walk around back there . I walk up to the door and put my hand on the knob . Then I put my hand down , because I don 't have to do this , some grownup should do this . I run as fast as I can back up the path , back through the woods , to tell the counselors that Mat disappeared . But when I get back to camp , all out of breath , before I even get to the counselors ' cabin , I see him . I see Matías . It 's from the back , but he 's the only one at camp with an Astros T - shirt . And I 'm so relieved , it feels like I 'm standing in a shower of relief and it 's pouring right down from my head to my feet . It was just a crazy Mat joke after all . I run up to him , yelling , " Mat ! Hey Mat , I can 't believe you got here before me ! You really . . . " And I stop . But it 's not Mat , no way it 's Mat . Because the dark eyes are cold and empty , and he isn 't slightly smiling on one side of his face like Mat always is . He isn 't smiling at all . He isn 't even standing right - Mat 's fidgety , he 's always moving around and drumming his fingers or practicing soccer kicks . This boy is standing totally still . I am looking at a garden , crammed with flowers , dusty blues and bright - fire reds , sunny yellows . A path leads through the flowers to a blue - white sky . I can smell the green and the sweetness from here . I want to go there so bad , I feel my leg sort of pulling up on its own , like it 's going to take a step in . But now what I see behind the door is totally different . There 's no garden at all . Now where I 'm looking , it 's deep under the ocean , the water hazy and blackish - green . I could reach out one finger and touch the ocean , it goes right up against the doorway and stops . I can smell the salt and fish and underwater snmells . On the floor of the ocean is the skeleton of a whale . A million little plants are growing up inside and around it , winding around the bones , waving gently in the water , and fishes swim around and inside the plants and the bones . A whole little world in this whale skeleton , far under the sea . I say " Mat , " in a small voice . But if he 's in this place , he can 't hear me . I remember Mat wasn 't looking , when he walked through this door . He was looking at me , to see me laugh at his joke . He might have walked into anything at all . I close the door and open it again . I do that over and over , and the door always shows me someplace new . In every place , I call " Mat ! Matías ! " In every place , he doesn 't answer . I open the door to a dirty alley far below , and two girls in coats , fighting . I hear their tiny angry cries . When I yell " Mat ! " one of the girls looks up . Some of the things I see are so beautiful , and some are so horrible . The worst is when I open the door and the whole doorframe is filled up with this big man , with thinning hair and his sleeves rolled up , and he 's looking right at me with an ugly smile . I slammed the door on that man so fast . I didn 't even call for Mat . This time I see a forest clearing , where it 's almost dark . " Mat ! " I call . My voice is weak , because I 'm tired of calling , and I 'm afraid . " Mat ! " I yell . He starts stumbling toward me , calling my name . I realize that he can 't see me . I start talking so he can follow my voice , just saying anything , stuff like " You got this Mat , come on man , you 're almost home , this way , " like that . Mat 's getting closer - he 's almost here . I hold on tight to the door frame , just in case , and put my other hand through . Mat must see my hand , because his eyes get big and scared . He grabs my hand . But just at the same time , I feel someone yank my other hand off the door frame and hold it tight . I turn around , and it 's the other kid , the one who looks like Mat , but he 's not . The not - Mat 's mouth is twisted in anger but his eyes are the same cold and empty they were before . Mat and the not - Mat are pulling hard on my hands , I feel like they 're puling me apart , my arms are stretched out all the way . I pull as hard as I can , I pull both of them close , and pulling them in spins me . I am spinning , turning in this threshold , Mat in one hand , not - Mat on the other . I have to save one , and I have to let go of one , and I have to make sure I stay on the right side of the door . There 's a dark head on the ground next to me , where he fell . " Look at me ! " I yell . Because I don 't know if I got the right one . We walk back to the camp hardly talking at all , but I 'm so happy , so happy and relieved . I run up to Jim and say " Did we miss dinner ? Can we eat anyway ? because we 're starving and we had this crazy . . . " Because when Jim turns to me , it 's Jim 's goofy long face , and Jim 's pale blue eyes . But the eyes are cold as ice and empty . There 's no Jim inside them . A car pulls up , and my parents get out . Only it 's not my parents . I sort of knew it wouldn 't be , but I was sort of hoping anyway . Seeing cold horrible empty things that look like Mom and Dad , but are not my mom and dad - it 's the worst thing in the world to see . I 'm sitting in the back . I look at Mat through the window while it rolls up automatically . I think we 're both slight ; y crying . I say with my mouth , but not out loud , " goodbye , goodbye . " I kept the key in my hand the whole way from school , held it so tight it left a mark that was always gone by next morning and back again next afternoon . I locked myself inside the house at the end of the row , all exactly the same . Red brick and white shutters , pointy roofs and shiny mailboxes . My eyes were almost closed , blankets pulled up to my chin . A tap rattled the window , like the spindly wooden fingers of a branch , but there were no trees outside my room . Bugs sometimes flew too hard into the glass and I 'd find them squished on the sill , messy and disgusting . I pulled the blankets higher and fell asleep . " Go away , " I said , much too quietly for whoever was on the other side to hear me . I wouldn 't open it , because of what mama said . It could be anyone . The same thing happened the next day , and the next . I told mama every time , and she went up and down the street , to all the houses with their red bricks and white shutters and pointy roofs and shiny mailboxes to ask if it was the people who lived there , needing something . But it wasn 't any of them , and they hadn 't seen anybody on our porch . We must have been at work , they said . Helen must have been at school , they said . The tap on the window was loud enough to wake me up . I climbed out of bed , wriggling my toes in the soft rug before I pulled the curtains apart an inch to look outside . There was nobody there , nobody I could see . I was almost expecting the knock , but I jumped and dropped my pencil when it came , anyway . The lead broke and skittered away across the floor . " Go away , " I said , a little louder this time , still too quiet to be heard through the thick , locked , safe door . All night , something tapped at the glass . " Please , " it whispered . " Please , let me in , " and no matter how many times I told myself it was the wind , I knew that was a lie . " You still don 't look very good , " said Mama in the morning . " Let 's stay home today . " She called the school to get my work , and I sat on the couch with a fresh pencil that made nice , sharp marks . I liked how neat they were . Mama was upstairs , folding away socks . Someone knocked and it was safe , safe to answer while she was home . I listened as I tiptoed to the door , but there was no voice this time . Probably the mailman with a package . There were no other houses on the street , no red bricks or white shutters . Beyond the porch was just barren grass , far as I could see , and farther still . Overhead , the sun was hazed with clouds , hot , but the wind was cold . She 'd been at the back of the house , upstairs . I ran from the porch and onto the grass , pebbles biting at the bottom of my feet , little teeth hidden in the grass . Around the house and into the overgrown backyard . " Mama ? " The stars began to twinkle . The moon was bright . My eyes dropped closed , and when I opened them , my whole body hurt from sleeping that way , a solid ache from head to toe . The grass was glassed with frost . My stomach rumbled . Mama still hadn 't noticed I was gone . I multiplied things in my head to stay calm , keep my heart from hammering . It was afternoon , I think , when I remembered the ladder , left in the backyard last summer , now covered with moss and mold and snails . Messy and disgusting and I didn 't want to touch it , but I did , now , dragging it as far as I could and propping it against the red brick . My bare feet slid on the slimy rungs . I tapped at the window , but there was no answer . I knocked at the door again . " Please , " I said . " Let me in . " At the end of the path is a house of crumbling brick and turrets pointing into the sky . At the top of the steps , a door stands open , a door that is one of many . Step inside , and it already smells of secrets and starlight , of wind and mysteries . It wasn 't that Anna - May and I weren 't friends . We were . But affection is not really necessary for friendship when you 're seven , and it was enough that we lived next door to each other on a long , cracked road in a small , green town , and were the same height , and had the same cheap cotton Roebuck 's clothes in cheery colors , and our parents could foist us on each other without too much trouble . I remember distinctly standing by the freshly turned dirt of the grave on that hot July day . I remember my scratchy , ruffly white dress and I remember the flowers languishing in a heap on top of the coffin , dying in the sun . There was a fly on one the petals . It was buzzing its wings and turning circles , but it never flew off . I was watching the fly closely . I didn 't look at the coffin , or Anna - May 's parents , or my parents , or the reporters crowding out beyond the church 's little fence . I watched that fly , and I watched the dying flowers , and I remember thinking what a mess all this was . It wasn 't my fault , what happened to Anna - May . That 's what the police kept telling me , and the nurse lady from the office building in Cleveland , and my parents . Anna - May 's parents sometimes looked at me like they knew , but they said it , too , right along with everyone else : It 's not your fault . Not your fault , sweetie . Not your fault . This is how it happened : We were sitting in the Reginalds ' back yard one month earlier , Anna - May and I , eating something . I don 't remember what it was . Madeleines and lemon and something frothy . Playing at tea . I remember being bored and much too warm , watching the clothesline at the far end of the garden . It was hung with bedsheets and pillowcases , all blinding white , and one of the clothes - items was twisting in a very singular way in the slow , hot air . And then , all at once , the wind caught it and it was as if it wasn 't cloth at all but a person , a tall thin person , all white as chalk and linen . I looked back toward the clothesline . The wind had twisted the white shape again , and it almost looked as if the figure were waving at us . At me . A white shape , and the softly golden sun , and the green grass . . . She couldn 't see anyone , of course , but for some reason I said : " It 's a man . He 's gone now . He ran into the hedge there . " We came to the clothesline . There wasn 't anyone there , and all I saw now were a pair of long underwear and a white flannel shirt with its arms pinned up , but it made no difference . And at least we weren 't sitting around anymore . I poked my head into the hedge . Anna - May followed . We went a few steps in , and it was hot and close , the leaves pressing all around . We walked several more steps and then Anna - May started whining . " Yes . I think he might have been one of those drifting tricksters . You know , the ones that live by the railroad tracks and have tropical lizards and tigers and can spit fire ? Suppose he was one of those ! " But then Anna - May froze . I don 't know what she saw , because I was facing her , and she was looking over my shoulder . It might have been a trick of the light . It might have been the chalk man hurrying away among the leaves , turning from time to time , swinging his long arms , waving us in , waving us closer . Mrs . Reginald looked at me sharply . Then she said : " Molly , you 'd better go home . I 'm taking Anna to the doctor . Come on , Anna , up you go . " I ran up the street to our house and hid in my room . I watched from my window as Mrs . Reginald carried Anna - May crying and bawling into the house . I felt bad for her , just a little , and then I remembered her stopping in the bushes , refusing to go on , and I wondered why . I saw Anna - May one last time . I was walking down the sidewalk , and she was on the other side of the fence , sitting on a chair , her head propped up with pillows , like she had broken her neck and not just one tiny bone in her ankle . She saw me , but she didn 't say anything , and so I kept walking , and then finally she did call out : She was far too interested in the chalk man , and by then I had all but forgotten about him . She was interested in the circus . And while I didn 't like Anna - May very much , as I 've said , I liked telling people things . I liked telling stories . " They come every summer and stay on the other side of the train tracks , " I tell her . " All the most marvelous folk . And I think that 's where the chalk man was from . He had just wandered up here by accident and into your backyard , but I bet he 's really a magician or a juggler ! " " To do knot tricks , of course . Or maybe he 's an animal trainer . These circuses have everything . Elephants and tigers and you can 't do anything with them without a rope . " " Oh , " I said , and I was worried , because if we went , there would be no circus most likely , and so Anna - May would go back to thinking me bogus . So I said : " They won 't be there when your foot 's better . They 're always traveling . They do secret shows for the ones who know , for the people who get cards in the mail or the ones who wander up by accident and then they 're gone again by sun - up . I don 't think you 'll see them . " But she did . She wanted to find the circus , she said . She wanted to see the tigers and the elephants on the other side of the tracks , and see the fire - blowers . She wanted to find the chalk man . " Mrs . Pratchett . Good morning . I 'd like to ask to speak to your daughter , Molly Pratchett . There 's been an incident , and we think she might know a thing or two . " Nothing serious . Just some strange folks been seen around the neighborhood , and apparently your daughter saw one yesterday . We 'd like a statement from her . " I peered up at Officer Thomas , and I peered out over the street , and I felt quite frightened then , because I didn 't know what to say . A truck was parked on the other side of the street . It had an advertisement on the side for cheap dime store rings . So I said : " Yes . He had rings on one finger . A whole lot of rings . Seven or eight . " We watched him go down the steps , looking at his pad where he had written down everything I said , and when he put his head up my heart gave a little jolt because I was sure he would notice the truck with the rings on its side , and turn around and come back and take me to the police station . But he didn 't . He got in his shiny blue police car and drove away . The officer had lied , of course . Nothing serious meant Anna - May was dead . No one knew quite how she died , but either she fell or someone pushed her , and there were bruises on her arms , they said , that could be from thick gloves . Or rings . The police came to my house again , after everything blew up , after the whole town knew and everyone was scared and crying . This time there were two officers and they asked me many , many questions , sometimes twice to see if I would trip up . I did . They caught a man in a dirty white coat up by the railroads , a drifter from Mississippi . He had no family . He had a bad eye , and a bad mouth , and nobody missed him . They hanged him . I was in the newspaper the next day . I was everywhere , and people tried to get me to tell them things , and I started crying in front of all those flash bulbs and microphones , and everyone thought it was adorable and tragic because Anna - May and I had been such good friends , but they didn 't know . I didn 't give a fig for Anna - May being dead . I cared about me , and it was almost as if I had made the chalk man come alive and he had killed Anna - May , and it confused me something fierce . The truth of the matter is , ( or , I should say , the way most people would normally think ) was that there was no chalk man . There was only Anna - May and me , and a world full of dreadful people , and that world caught Anna - May the way it catches lots of folk . A man in a white coat was hanged for no reason . Maybe Anna - May tripped following my stupid map , or maybe a murderer went on his merry way , and no one looked at him twice , because maybe he was wearing checkers and orange polka - dots , and I had said he was wearing white . Either way someone died because of me . But that 's not what I believe . If you believe in something , it 's true , isn 't it ? For me it is . Maybe for Anna - May it was , too . |
I wasn 't always like this . Nope . I struggled a lot in middle school and high school . Life is hard . I often times let it get the best of me . I got depressed a lot . I wrote tons of poetry and short stories , pouring everything out on paper , and I listened to a lot of music . Specifically Duran Duran . Why them ? I 'm not entirely sure , but they were therapy for me . ( Still are to this day . ) They weren 't the only band I listened to . I was an eighties child and I loved music . There was an infinite amount of it to choose from and I enjoyed it all . I was very friendly but introverted , kind but incredibly sensitive . My mom and I got into many battles , but outside of the house , I was very quiet . There were a few people , ( all girls ) who really disliked me , specifically in high school because they deemed me a ' goody two shoes ' . They weren 't sure what to think of me , but I wasn 't like them and that made them uncomfortable . I wasn 't argumentative , and I wasn 't interested in drinking or being loud or just participating in all the normal things high schoolers do . Don 't get me wrong . . . I wasn 't an outcast . I had a ton of friends . I took part in a great many things . I went to both my junior and senior proms , I had a steady boyfriend for two years and traveled to Europe with twelve other friends the summer between my sophomore and junior years . I went to football games and danced in crazy costumes , ( including a huge chicken wire / decoupage cow head ) for my drama / French teacher . I was in plays and was on the yearbook staff . I had a job , ( I waited tables at a Mexican restaurant ) and , although I didn 't participate in sports through school , I was a competitive ice skater for about six years . I did ' normal ' stuff , but I was quiet about it . I wasn 't extraordinary . I never ' left my mark ' so to speak , like other kids I graduated with . The impression I left on those I went to school with was , " she was sweet " . Nothing more , nothing less . I 'm okay with that . That 's not a bad thing . There was something I was really good at in high school , though . I was an excellent listener . I was affectionate , too . If someone needed a hug , they knew they could get one from me . If they needed a smile , I was good for a bunch of those , as well . I struggled . I knew what it was like . I hated to see other people struggle . If I could make someone happy , I would go out of my way to do so . My life got a lot harder after high school . Those years between eighteen and twenty - one . . . they were dark . My eyes well up when I think about what happened back then and my chest gets tight . I won 't write about those years here - just know that I look back on them and shake my head , wondering how I lived through that time and walked out the other side still in one piece . I almost didn 't . I 've wondered many times if this is why I 'm who I am now . Perhaps I am too optimistic . ( Is that a thing ? Can someone be too optimistic ? Maybe I 'm not entirely convinced of this . ) It 's the one thing people continuously mention about me . When I told my family about this blog topic and asked them each for their opinion about what I should write , they all said the exact same thing . Those around me are used to it . So much so that if I 'm having a bad day , they don 't know how to react . It 's so out of character for me that it throws everything off balance . I 've been told that I 'm not allowed to be in a bad mood . I know it was said it jest - or at least mostly in jest . Truth is , when I stomp around ranting and raving , ( who doesn 't once in a while ? ) or even when I 'm quiet and suffering with something on my own , it screws up the natural order of things here in my house . My family doesn 't like it . For most , my optimism is a huge draw , especially during down times when it 's most needed - but I 'm not for everyone , and I tend to annoy people . The constant smiles and sunshine can be too much for some . I 'm not sure I know what ( if anything ) I can do about this . I 'm not sure I want to do anything about this . It 's not humanly possible to always be happy . Like I stated above , I have my off days . Will I tell you when I 'm struggling ? Maybe , but it 's not very likely . I have a lot of acquaintances . . . maybe even a lot of friends , but those that I feel closest to , those who I feel a genuine affection for is very limited . I 've been hurt so many times and I feel like I have to protect myself . My teenage years were a long , long time ago . I 've grown a lot since then . Hell , I 've grown even more within the last few years . I like who I am . I like who I 've become . I also like to keep my circle small . I 'm more secure that way . I choose to be optimistic because that 's what makes me happy . I choose to look on the bright side of things because that 's what pushes me forward . I am a happy person . I am a smiley person . I am an affectionate person . And , yes , I 'm a pain in the ass . I 'm sorry for that . . . but not that sorry . I 'm optimistic and happy around everyone , but if I 've ever really gotten on your nerves , it 's only because I care about you so much . I was on my walk this morning thinking about this topic . I was surprised when I couldn 't really come up with any embarrassing moments - not because I haven 't had any in my life , but because I realized I must be much better at suppressing memories of unpleasant things than I realized . I 'm an idiot . I do stupid stuff all the time , but I just couldn 't remember anything that would make for a compelling blog post . Maybe it was just that I wasn 't awake enough . I pretend to be a morning person when , in reality , I 'd much rather sleep in . It was seven and I had my tennis shoes tied to my feet - it was a bit chilly and I was forcing myself to walk at a quick pace through my neighborhood . It took a while for the blood to start pumping , and when it did , I started remembering a whole bunch of embarrassing moments . There was the time back when I was twenty , going through a really bad patch in my life and working a full time job , then a part time job on top of it just to pay for my tiny apartment , gas for my car and the Ramen and macaroni and cheese ( without butter ) that I pretty much lived on . I was at my part time job - a cashier for the now defunct Cub Foods grocery store - and pushing through my shift on very little sleep . A guy came through my line with chewing tobacco , so I called the manager . That was the drill . I was under twenty - one , so I had to call someone in charge who was at least that age to check the customer 's I . D . The guy was in a hurry , and I was playing by the rules - except that I hadn 't looked closely enough at the chewing tobacco that wasn 't chewing tobacco . Nope . It was shoe polish . Oops . Not a horrible situation , but I was embarrassed and felt pretty dumb , especially since I 'd involved a manager and made this guy , who was obviously trying to polish his shoes to get to wherever he was going , even more late than he already was just because my sleep deprived brain hadn 't been paying better attention . There was also the time my soon - to - be in - law 's took me to Gunther Toody 's for my birthday . Have you been to a Gunther Toody 's ? It 's a fifties themed restaurant with poodle skirts and the whole nine yards . It 's actually pretty fun - until you 're forced to put on a crazy hat and do the twist in front of all the cheering diner 's while the wait staff sings happy birthday to you . I really hate being the center of attention . I 'll celebrate someone else , especially if that person is special to me . I 'll go out of my way , bend over backwards to do anything I can to spotlight another person - but I like to keep a low profile . I was trying to impress my husband to be 's family . They thought it was fun and hilarious . . . me ? Not so much . I also recalled the time just a few years ago when my family and I traveled to Paris . It was a day trip . We 'd boarded a train before the sun came up , packing everything we might need for the four of us into two back packs . It was late September - that time of the year when it 's not really summer still , but not quite fall , and Mother Nature is moody . I 'd opted for layers thinking I could shed or add as the weather dictated , but that along with my pack didn 't make me the sleekest of travelers . We decided to have lunch in a wonderful little cafe across the street from Notre Dame . My daughter and I needed to use the bathroom , which was a tiny little affair atop a skinny little spiral staircase and down a narrow hall . I guess I wasn 't thinking very clearly . I was in Paris for crying out loud . I didn 't drop my pack off at the table first , and , even though I was somewhat overheated , I didn 't shed any layers before Maya and I decided to find the facilities . I went first and halfway up that little spiral staircase , my backpack got wedged in the metal framework . If I 'd been able to get my arms free of the straps , I 'd have been okay , but I had too many clothes on . Thank God for Maya who pushed the pack from underneath to get the damn thing dislodged . The whole thing made me laugh - I mean , it was a ridiculous situation - but laughing was a bad idea because I had a full bladder . We were on our way to the bathroom , remember ? I 'm just glad Maya was able to get my pack unstuck and we found our way to the WC before it was too late . If not , I would have been much more than temporarily inconvenienced on the stairs . I was about three quarters of the way through my walk at this point - sweating and definitely not cold anymore . I was looking up at the blue sky covered in fluffy , marshmallow clouds and even thinking that maybe mornings aren 't so bad after all . I 'd just allowed myself to get excited about the prospect of my first cup of coffee when perhaps the best embarrassing moment of all popped into my head . Back in 1997 Steven and I moved into his grandmother 's house down by Washington Park near downtown Denver . She 'd gotten to an age where it wasn 't really safe for her to be living on her own anymore , so she went to live up in Idaho Springs with my in - laws . We were ambitious , and the two of us pulled up carpet , refinished hardwood floors , pulled up layers and layers of old tile in the bathroom and kitchen and laid down new linoleum . We also repainted the entire house . One day , while Steven was at work , I decided to finish up on some of the painting . The houses in the neighborhood were very close together , and the back porch , where we kept all the painting supplies , was closed in , but had windows wrapped all the way around it . To one side of us lived a group of really nice guys who were attending law school at DU ( University of Denver ) . They were in their early twenties ; all of them very good looking . Well , I was on the back porch trying to wrangle this contraption we 'd bought - it was a paint roller on an extension so that we could cover the walls without using a ladder - and somehow I lost my balance . I fell backward and wound up landing butt first in a bucket , my arms and this long paint roller sticking straight up into the air . It took me a while , and I 'm sure I burned a lot of calories while trying to get myself upright and free from the bucket that was stuck to my tail end . I was frustrated once I 'd straightened everything out again , but not really surprised . I mentioned before that I 'm kind of an idiot . Me falling down or doing something stupid is not really newsworthy . Once I 'd gathered all my painting equipment agaNow my walk is over . I 'm sipping from my second cup of coffee and coming up with a whole assortment of different stories I could tell you - but I think I 've traveled down this uncomfortable path of memory lane long enough for one day . I kinda liked it better before my brain woke up and I couldn 't recall an embarrassing moment . Oh , well . Life happens to us all , right ? And some of it is undeniably embarrassing . Mimi was only forty - seven when I was born . Wow . She was only two years older than I am now when she became a grandmother for the first time . I was kind of a surprise . I showed up at a rather unstable time in Mimi 's life . She and my grandfather were about to divorce after twenty plus years of marriage . . . and she still had kids of her own at home . That 's the funny thing about life - not everything goes according to plan . I grew up in this house . I played in the backyard outside of those windows . This woman saw me at my best - and at my worst . She was there on my wedding day , and when each one of my children were born . She was my Mimi . She will always be my Mimi . . . and I miss her so much that it physically hurts . In May of 2013 , I lost Mimi to Alzheimer 's . Her health had been declining for many years before hand , but the last couple of years were pretty rough . I wasn 't there . I left in late 2008 when Steven 's job took us to North Carolina . Mimi visited us there the following fall when my aunt and my mom brought her to the east coast for a visit . I saw her in early 2010 when the kids and I flew in with Steven who had a week long class he attended in February . At the end of 2011 , I got to see her again when the four of us traveled back to Colorado for a ten day stay over Thanksgiving . A month later , Steven 's job took us overseas to Germany . The next time I saw Mimi was at her funeral . Mimi had four daughters . All of them took care of her in her last years of life . I wish I had been there , too , although Mom has told me many times that she 's glad I didn 't see the huge decline in Mimi . She 's happy I still have the memory of Mimi when she wasn 't in the throes of dementia and then Alzheimer 's . I spoke to Mimi on the phone quite often . She knew it was me talking with her . She knew that we were in Germany , but in her head , we weren 't in modern day Germany . We were in World War II Germany , and she was afraid for our safety . My son was eleven , but she thought he was still a baby , and , although Maya was almost fifteen , Mimi believed her to be much younger as well . She was always worried about us when we spoke , always telling me to be careful and to come back home where we 'd be safe . The last time I talked to Mimi was on Mother 's Day , just a couple of weeks before she passed away . It was a heartbreaking conversation . She was struggling with her words , and her speech was incredibly disjointed . When Mom got back on the phone , I burst into tears . The day continued to be a bad one for both she and Mimi , and it only declined from there . If looks could resurrect instead of kill , I 'd pull out all the photographs I have of this special woman . They would stretch a good long way , and I would stare at them until Mimi was standing in front of me again . . . the Mimi I knew before Alzheimer 's descended upon her . I would hug tightly to her , and I would never , ever let go . My first paying job was babysitting - but Ang Lawrence saw that coming when she set up this challenge - and babysitting isn 't allowed . It 's too bad , too , because I had a sweet deal going with that job . Once upon a time , about a hundred years ago , I was a competitive ice skater . I babysat my skating coach 's insanely cute girls every Thursday while she and her husband when to Bible study . I got to eat macaroni and cheese to my heart 's content - and did I mention how cute these girls were ? Okay . I got it in . It was against the rules , but I feel better . I guess I 'm feeling rebellious today . I think the first job I had was after my parents and I moved up to Evergreen . I worked part time at a Mexican restaurant downtown . It was called The Evergreen Inn . I worked busing tables , hauling huge pitchers ( back then I could carry four of them in each hand , full of both ice and water ) from the kitchen to the dining room , and helping the wait staff which was always woefully understaffed . I wasn 't hired as a waitress , but I wound up being one . I took orders for all but alcohol . My boss at the time wasn 't a huge stickler for the rules , but one of the waitresses , grateful that I was trying to make her load a little lighter , made sure to keep my under - aged self away from the bar . My hair and every article of clothing I owned smelled like cigarette smoke and salsa , but waiting tables at the Evergreen Inn was a pretty damn good job . I couldn 't find a photo of the restaurant , but it resided in downtown Evergreen . During the summer between my sophomore and my junior year in high school I worked an 11 - 2 lunch shift at the restaurant during the week , and then Saturday nights and brunch on Sundays . I rode my bike up and down Upper Bear Creek , which would most likely kill me now , but I was seventeen back then , skating all the time and in good physical shape . There was a cook there , a girl who shall remain nameless , who scared the hell out of me . I 've always been quiet , never one to cause trouble . I 'm more of a what can I do for you , keep the peace kind of person - and I probably seem meek to a lot of people , especially to those with much more outgoing personalities . This girl was definitely a take charge kind of person . No one messed with her . She told me what to do and I did it . She 'd been there a hell of a lot longer than I had been , and she knew the ropes . For a long time I thought she really disliked me , but after I 'd been there for a few weeks , she started making food for me . I particularly liked the Sunday brunch shift - not only because the tips were always great , but because this cook would always have a plate full of tater tot kinda things ( only better ) covered in cheese sauce for me when the rush finally died down . She was always exceptionally gruff and short tempered around me , but every other employee had to jump through hoops to get the cooks to make food for them . She never made me to that . I think waiting tables is a job everyone should have . It 's hard work . People are rude . They often look down on those working in food service - a dangerous practice if you ask me . How wise is it to piss off someone who handles your food ? I made quite a bit of money for someone my age , and I learned a lot . The Evergreen Inn is still there - at least the building is - but it 's changed hands and names a multitude of times . Whenever I go up to visit my parents and I drive through downtown Evergreen , I smile when I see my old stomping grounds . I am happy to have worked there . Posted by The first experience I had with death that I remember , that had a significant impact on me emotionally was when my great grandfather died . His name was Martin Simpson McKeeman , and he was my grandmother 's dad . I don 't remember knowing his full name as a child . To me he was " Grampa " . . . and he meant the world to me . I spent a great deal of time with my grandmother , Mimi , while I was growing up . She was the youngest of four kids . She lost her mom many , many years earlier , and she was the only one of the McKeeman children living in Colorado with Grampa . When he could no longer live on his own anymore , he moved in and Mimi became his caregiver . I was too young to remember any of the details . What I knew was that Grampa was wonderful . He was in his late eighties by the time I was born . I guess I knew he was elderly - I mean , he used a walker , and Mimi had to help him in and out of the bathtub - but that 's not what I remember most about him . I remember he used to stand in front of the sink in Mimi 's kitchen and wash dishes . He always had a bunch of white boxes filled with Luden 's cherry cough drops , and he wore a little beanie on his head that my mom knit for him . He was also the best playmate ever . He never got tired of hanging out with me . If he ever lost his patience with me , I don 't recall it . He used to pretend he was a doctor , and I would bring my sick dolls to him . He would pretend to give them a shot and make them all better again . We hung out , me and Grampa . I also remember that he really liked ice cream . There was a Dolly Madison by Mimi 's house - an ice cream fountain kind of shop where you sat on stools at the bar and employees would serve milkshakes and marshmallow cokes . Mimi and I would go in there and she would get ice cream - mostly vanilla and Rocky Road - and they would scoop it up into a cardboard tray and cover it with a sheet of thick plastic . Grampa and I ate lots of ice cream together . There came a time when caring for Grampa got to be too physically challenging for Mimi . She chose to put him in a nursing home . I knew even as a child that this decision was an extremely difficult one for her to make . She and I visited him at the home all the time . He hadn 't been there very long - maybe a couple of weeks - when he fell and hurt his hip . I don 't remember now if he broke it . I was at least ten or eleven then , but I can 't remember the exact year he left Mimi 's home . I do know that he 'd been healthy up until then , and that his health declined once he 'd made the move . One night , Mimi and I went to visit him . We brought him vanilla ice cream and we spent quite a long time with him . We got him ready for bed and tucked him in . He hugged me and said , " I love you , Jennifer " before the two of us left that night . Later , Mimi told me that those were the last words he ever spoke . My mom was the one who broke the news of Grampa 's passing to me the following morning . I slept in a white canopy bed with burgundy bedding , and I remember her sitting down on the mattress next to me . I know now that she was incredibly sad about Grampa 's death , but she knew how difficult the news would be for me to hear . She was stoic for me . He was a huge part of my life , but she 'd gotten to love him a lot longer than I had . As many memories as I had stored up with him in them , she had at least a thousand more . Grampa was ninety - seven years old when he died . He went to sleep that night and never woke up . He was healthy , as far as we all knew . He didn 't suffer from cancer or any other illness . His life was long , and his death was peaceful . So are my thoughts when he comes to my mind . Posted by Screensavers : # AKwritingChallenge Day 9 I work primarily on a desktop computer . My screensaver there changes . . . usually displaying the cover of my newest book , or a photo of my kids that I particularly love . I take a lot of pictures , and my kids are the cutest ones on the planet - says every mother about their own children - so they oftentimes find themselves on the screen . I also change the photos on my screen to different places I 've traveled so I can be reminded of how awesome those trips were when I boot up the computer in the morning . Currently , my screensaver is this : London . God , that was a fun trip . Ignore those damn horses on the wall if you will . The wallpaper in this house is going to be the death of us all . : ) The screensaver on my phone is boring . It 's just a weather app . Why I can 't just go outside to see if it 's hot , cold , wet or dry is beyond me . I guess I like to pretend to know what the weather will do from one day to the next . They aren 't so good about predicting weather here in Colorado , but I like how they keep trying . I also have a tablet . I use it mainly for my Kindle app - that gets a ton of daily use - and solitaire . I 'm old school . I can play it without thinking . Sometimes not thinking is good . Sometimes not thinking is absolutely necessary . That screensaver is of Heidelberg . We traveled a lot while in Germany , but Heidelberg will always be one of my favorite places . We visited this city a lot , and I loved it every time . The last wedding I attended was . . . wow . . . a long time ago . I 'm not even sure now exactly what year , but we were living in Castle Rock , Colorado at the time , so I 'm guessing it was 2003 or 2004 . Somewhere around there . Maybe someone we know needs to get married sometime soon . That 's a long time between weddings . Check that , my step - brother got married several years back . I wasn 't in the country for that one . That 's a wedding I 'm sorry I missed . The wedding I did last go to was for a guy Steven ( my hubby ) worked with . I remember their names , ( I won 't mention them here ) but I didn 't really know them . I 'd met the groom a few times and he was really nice . Steven liked him and that was good enough for me . I don 't have very vivid memories of this day . I seem to recall having to drive a bit to get to the ceremony , but if there was anything out of the ordinary that took place , it wasn 't so much so that I can remember it . What does stick out , though , is that the bride and groom chose to have their wedding photos taken between the ceremony and the reception . Steven and I sat at a table with another gentleman Steven worked with and his wife for probably two hours before the newly betrothed couple came through the door and the reception could begin . Hey , planning a wedding isn 't the easiest thing in the world . I get it . I 've been there , done that , but the wait seemed a bit excessive - especially considering the fact that I was a nursing mom at the time , and the bodice of my dress was growing increasingly tighter as the wait time extended . We 've moved five times since then - once to another state , then to a different country and back to Colorado again - and we 've lost touch with this couple . The last thing we heard was they had a little girl . I certainly hope that they 're still together . . . and that they have some spectacular wedding photos displayed in a prime spot in their home . I 'm an only child . My mom was very young - only eighteen - when she had me . I 'm pretty sure she always thought she 'd have more kids after I was born , but it never quite happened that way . We 've talked about it before . If things had been different between her and my dad , I wouldn 't have been an only child - but I respect where Mom 's head was at here . She and I were best on our own there at the beginning . I have an awesome step - dad . He 's seriously the coolest . His name is Larry , but that 's not what I call him . He 's been Larrabee from as far back as I can remember . Did you ever watch Get Smart with Don Adams and Barbara Feldon ? Well , the agents worked under a man named Larrabee . That 's where my dad got his name . . . but I don 't think I 'm the one who gave it to him . When I was five , I met Larrabee 's kids for the first time . He 's has two of them , a daughter and a son . Christin is five years older than me and J . R . , her brother , is two years my senior . Larry lived in a house that I only vaguely remember down in east Denver . That 's where I met the kids who would eventually become my step - siblings . I 'll be honest . . . I wasn 't too sure about the whole situation . Chris and J . R . were good at being siblings . What I mean is that they 'd grown up knowing what it was like to have another kid in the family . . . they were good at calling window seats and all the other little things kids do when they have a bit of competition in their every day lives . It had always just been me . I was a quiet , shy , incredibly sensitive kid . I didn 't know what all that sibling rivalry was about . . . and sharing ? My crayons had always been mine . Let 's just put it this way . . . I sat in the middle of the back seat - always - but the sharing part came easily enough . I think it was J . R . who gave Larry his nickname , Larrabee . He and Chris called my mom Linda Lou , too . Larrabee stuck . Even my kids call him that . I 'm not sure about Linda Lou . I saw Chris and J . R . quite a bit while I was growing up . They lived in Boulder with their mom , but they came to visit on some weekends , and we took a lot of family road trips together . They lived with us one summer , and during the infamous Colorado blizzard of ' 82 , the three of us were housebound together without our parents . The snow came down hard on Christmas Eve , stranding a lot of people , including Larrabee and Linda Lou , who both got stuck at work . I was eleven , which made Chris sixteen and J . R . thirteen . The three of us camped out in the house , opened every single one of our Christmas presents before wrapping them all back up again , and entertained ourselves by riding the couch cushions down the stairs like sleds . By the time it stopped snowing late Christmas Day , three feet of the white stuff had fallen . A few days later , J . R . and I bundled up and trudged down to the local convenience store ( it was called Shop ' N Go back then ) . The snow was waist high and I seem to recall climbing a fence between the house and our destination . That bit is a little fuzzy . . . but it just goes to show how far a couple of kids will go for some candy . J . R . , me and Chris . Guess who 's still in the middle ? I also had a step - brother on my dad 's side . I met Joe when I was seven and he was three . I thought Joe was the most amazing thing ever . He was sweet and kind and I loved him immediately . I was the oldest - something I wasn 't used to being - and Joe and I became very close friends . We were allies . Life with my dad was oftentimes scary . Having another kid to bond with made it a hell of a lot better . I have a great photo of Joe and I taken at Elitch Gardens . . . but it 's packed away and inaccessible right now . I haven 't spoken to him in twenty - five years . Our lives turned out a lot different . . . at least there for a while . Some stuff happened - nothing I care to write about here - and we wound up going our separate ways . I don 't know where he is now , or what he 's up to . I don 't know how his life turned out , but I certainly hope it 's good . I still miss him , truth be told - at least the him that I knew as a child and a teenager . He was a bright spot in my life for a good many years . I hope he 's doing well . I hope he 's happy . So , I don 't have any sisters and brothers related to me by blood . It 's true , I am an only child . . . but family can be tricky sometimes . I 'm not incredibly close with Chris or J . R . I haven 't actually seen them since the above photo was taken . That was Christmas , 2008 . All three of us have spouses and kids , careers and busy lives . We all live in three different directions . I did get the opportunity to work for J . R . and his company , Veloscapes , doing a little editing for his spectacular website . We all keep up with each other for birthdays and things . Are we alike ? In some ways , sure . I don 't know about Joe , but with Chris and J . R . , I can say that we all have kids whom we love and spouses we 've built our lives with . We care about a lot of the same things , but we are still very different . I am glad that they have all been a part of my life . I never did get the whole ' window seat ' thing down , but I 'm an expert now at sharing . I asked my daughter this question . I asked her if she had to come up with a song that pumped me up , what would it be ? She gave me a look that only a girl of seventeen can deliver . Then she said , " Are you serious ? " I laughed because I knew exactly what song came to her mind . Duran Duran . Yep . They 've been my favorite since I was twelve years old . I won 't tell you how many years that 's been , but let 's just say it 's been awhile . " Pressure Off " is actually one of the newest ones , released just last year . It 's happy . It 's fun . It makes me want to jump around and dance and laugh . I made my whole family listen to it several times in the car while we made our way to the hospital for both of my wrist surgeries . It makes everything right in my world . There are several songs that pump me up , though . " Rumor Has It " by Adele . I actually have a funny story about this song . I heard it first when I was living in Germany . It was playing over the speakers in the movie theater on Ramstein AFB . I can 't remember what movie we went to see , but I remember hearing this song and loving it immediately . I was on the treadmill not long afterward . This song started playing in my earbuds and I got a little carried away . I 'll admit it . I was walk / dancing on the treadmill . . . and it didn 't turn out well . I did something to my left hip that had me bent over for three weeks . I could barely walk . I was kind of a mess . I still love the song , but my hip feels a bit vulnerable whenever it plays . Big Bad Voodoo Daddy . Oh , yes . . . how I love this band . Swing music . Fun . Upbeat . Happy . So very , very dance worthy . This song is just one of many . I didn 't get my driver 's license until I was seventeen . I was not overly eager to reach this milestone . I 'll be honest - I had a boyfriend with both a license and a car . I was good to go . Besides , I broke my wrist a few days shy of my sixteenth birthday . ( Yep , the wrist injury goes back that far . ) They put me in a cast that encased my whole lower arm and my thumb . I was in it for six weeks before they took it off , x - rayed my wrist , then put another one back on for an additional month and a half . It 's hard to use a stick shift when you don 't have the use of your thumb . It looked just like this , only it was red . This , coincidentally , looks just like the car my step - dad used to drive . Yep , my parents owned matching cars . More than once , actually . That might need to wait for another post . I drove this car pretty much to its death . While I was going to college , I worked part time for a family with two boys , ages six and seven . I hung out with them for several hours every day , and I 'd take them with me to run errands . They always thought it was hilarious when we 'd go and wash my car . It had so many leaks around the doors and windows that it was their job to hold towels up to keep the inside dry while the water poured in . Oh , memories . I sold my Stanza in early 1995 . I was about to be married that March , and it had broken down . Again . I was told that I 'd have to put a lot more money in it than it was worth to keep it going , so I decided that I could add to my wedding fund by selling it . It was a good car . It not only provided me with years of transportation , but also gifts for my wedding party . You can 't say that about many vehicles now , can you ? Something cold and fruity did . Something tart but sweet . I wrote about this drink in Alabama Skye . Limeade . I 'd love to have one right now as a matter of fact . I used to get them from Dairy Queen , but they don 't sell them there anymore . ( How was that a good decision ? ? ? ) Now I get them from Sonic . I have some of the most amazing memories of my dad 's backyard . When I think about it now , I wonder if it was actually as great as I remember it , or if I 'm just recalling it from an imaginative child - like state of mind . I haven 't been in his backyard for more than twenty years now . I 'm not even sure if his widow still owns the property - but I think I 'd rather not see it as it is now . My memories of it are profound and beautiful , and I 'd like them to stay that way . As I sit and write this , I am well aware of the fact that I used that backyard as a sanctuary ; a safe place from what went on inside the house . Maybe that makes my memories of that space even more special . I also think that things were different when I was a child . I spent a lot of time outside , regardless of where I was . There was no internet or high tech video games to keep me inside . There was exploring and bike riding , roller skating on uneven pavement and playing . Just playing . I had some incredible adventures in that backyard . There are so many things I remember about that magical space - and yes , it was magical in so many ways . There was a huge apple tree that shot up into the blueness of the sky , its branches stretching out to canopy a large part of the thick , green grass below . The apples the tree bore were never very large . They were hard and round as golf balls , but I remember picking the ones I could reach , or catching them as my dad shook the taller boughs . I 'd fill my arms with them and sit in the shade of that tree trying to chase away the sharp , sour flavor of the bright , green fruit with a salt shaker . Did they taste particularly good ? Not really . They made me pucker my mouth and they tightened the back of my jaw , but it didn 't matter . I still eagerly anticipated them each and every year . I don 't know just how big in acreage the yard was . I do know that it seemed pretty big to me as a kid . There was a collection of trees , all with thin trunks and long , skinny branches that made up a straight - lined border between my dad 's property and the one next to it . His neighbors , the Miller 's , were an elderly couple . They were incredibly friendly , and encouraged me to wander through those trees . They had a cement donkey sitting in their front yard . It stood less than two feet high , and was , even then , a pretty small statue , but it didn 't stop me from sitting on it , wild adventures playing through my young , blonde head . I would visit the Millers ' backyard when I 'd hear them outside . Mrs . Miller , ( I always addressed her as " Mrs . Miller " , and I can 't recall now what her first name was if I ever knew it to begin with ) was blind . I remember sitting outside with her and chattering like a little bird . ( Some thing 's never change . ) She would ask me all kinds of questions , and I would eagerly answer them . We would sometimes end up in their kitchen , which was at the back of their house , and she would feed me cookies or cake while we sat at her table . On the other side of my dad 's property was an old , black wire fence . I used to sit on it and bounce . I was never told not to , and I was small back then , so I doubt I did much damage to it . The yard on the other side of that fence was pretty amazing , too . It belonged to a family both my mom and dad had known since they were young . They 're last name was Willie . There were paths with white wooden archways built over them , and lots and lots of rose bushes in that yard . I would walk the short distance down Bradburn Boulevard to the black gate in front of her Mrs . Willie 's yard . I would wander through her gardens and smell all of the colorful flowers I found there . She was elderly as well , but we were always welcome to visit . I remember being inside her house many times , but it was in her garden I felt most comfortable . At the far end of my dad 's yard , past the lawn and the towering apple tree , was a grape vine . It was unruly and unkempt , growing along an aging trellis , the leaves huge and twisting every which way . My dad was Greek . I remember going to a Greek festival once with him and my grandmother . We ate dolmades , or stuffed grape leaves at the festival . Granny always talked about making some of her own every time she was out in the yard , but if she did make them , I don 't recall it . I do remember picking some of the grapes and eating them . Every edible thing that came out of that yard was sour - the apples , the grapes , and the cherries that grew on the half dozen trees that stood inside the grapevine arch - but I ate them anyway . Probably just because I could . There was a ditch that ran along Bradburn Boulevard , right in front of my dad 's house . During the summer . the city allowed the homeowners to temporarily dam the ditch and use the water to irrigate their lawns . It only happened once or twice a summer , but I remember those days fondly . My dad would nearly flood the back yard and I would put my swimming suit on and use the wide expanse of wet , soggy grass as a humongous Slip ' n Slide . The water was always icy cold , and I had mud and bits of grass stuck to my arms and legs , but it was so much fun . I also remember playing in the sheets that my mom , and then later , my step - mom , hung on the laundry lines that ran down part of the length of that yard . I would play with the clothes pins that were dropped in the grass , and play hide and seek with the cats that called my dad 's place home . When I got tall enough , I would jump and grab the thick , metal T at the top of the pole , and I would swing from the bar . I have often said that one day I would write a book about this yard . As I wrote this post , I realize that I already have - or at least this yard inspired one quite a bit like it . It is the yard I wrote about in The Color of Thunder , although that one was in a much different state , and in a much different climate . The way the Linsey children in that book felt about their yard is much the same way I felt about my father 's . This backyard was like a fairyland ; a wonderful memory , and a place I am so grateful I was able to call my own for a great number of years . I 'm a novelist , a book reviewer , and a homeschooling mom . I also run my own editing company called Wing Family Editing . I 'm the author of The Color of Thunder and a trilogy called The Gannon Family Series . In 2016 , I released Dead Beat Dates & Deities , the first book of my new romantic comedy series , Goddess of Tornado Alley . I belonged to a writer 's group when I lived in Germany . I was lucky enough to be a part of the first meeting . We were just starting off . . . |
My sister had attempted suicide twice in her short life . When I called her the day before yesterday , I got her voicemail , and she hadn 't called back . Normally - - if there ever was a " normally " with Lori - - she returned my calls within a couple hours . I called again before I went to bed last night and got voicemail again . The morning sun shone soft light through the flickering window and warmed the studio apartment , heralding another beautiful Southern California day . I had lain awake much of the night and was chock full of anxiety . My love for Lori was visceral , like we were joined at the chest . I hadn 't heard from her for a couple weeks . Although she was four years older than me and had been my protector and idol during my childhood , as her emotional stability floundered , our relationship had flip - flopped . I was now her support and protector . It was too early to call again ; Lori was late to bed and late to rise . I slumped down at the little , round , yellow table in the corner , the same one I wrote at , to drink my customary blueberry smoothie . My wife Jessica , dressed in her short , pale blue nightgown that showed off her long , sexy legs , and eating a piece of whole wheat toast , shuffled over and kissed my cheek . I called three times later that day with the same result - - the flat echo of her voicemail message . At the table the next day , my notebook in front of me , I continued to stare at the same page of the short story I had been writing and that I hoped to sell to pay next month 's rent . I got up from the table , turned on the TV and flopped down on the orange futon that doubled as our couch and bed , hoping that the news of the last days of the 2000 presidential campaign would distract me . It didn 't , so I turned it off . Alone with my thoughts - - Jessica was busking on the Santa Monica Pier that afternoon - - I thought about flying to San Francisco , where Lori had been living for several years . I knew it wouldn 't accomplish anything if she weren 't home . Also , I didn 't know any of her friends or even her landlord 's name . I couldn 't think of anything else to do . I feared the worst . Lori was twenty - nine and had suffered from depression since her teenage years . When she was eighteen and I was fourteen , we lived with our grandmother . Grandma and I came home from the grocery store one afternoon . I was the first in the door and , hearing sobs coming from the bathroom , I pulled open the door . Lori lay on the floor bleeding from her wrists . She had to have known that Grandma and I were likely to find her before she died ; it was an obvious cry for help , not a serious suicide attempt . Through the rest of her teens and early twenties she had been in and out of therapy , mental hospitals and drug rehab facilities , and had barely survived another suicide attempt . The phone on the table next to the futon rang just as Jessica came in the front door . I sat frozen through the second ring . " Brad , this is Gabriel . I 'm your sister 's landlord . I 've been trying to find your phone number since yesterday . I 'm sorry to tell you that Lori 's in the hospital . " " I walked by her window yesterday morning , " said Gabriel , " and saw her lying on the floor . She looked sick , so I got my key and went in . She wouldn 't wake up , so I called the paramedics . All I can tell you is there was an empty pill bottle on the floor that the paramedics took with them . " After I hung up , I was trembling with fear . I wasn 't ready to accept my anger at her yet , but it was there , seething below the surface . I told Jessica what Gabriel had said . " Maybe it 'd be better if she succeeded this time , " she said . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean that , Brad . " " Yes , you did , " I said . Even I wondered if she was right . I had been responding to Lori 's crises and grieving for her for ten years . I wondered if I always would . I knew I had to go see her , but I didn 't know what to do to help her . I didn 't know what she wanted out of life . Hell , I wasn 't sure what I wanted . What would make me happy and fulfilled ? I didn 't know , and I certainly had no clue about what would make Lori happy and fulfilled . " Brad , we can 't afford a flight to San Francisco . You can 't run to Lori every time she has a crisis . Why does it always have to be you ? She has a mother , father and half - brother , and she always has a boyfriend . She 's not a child anymore ; she 's twenty - nine - years old . " " I know . I know . It 's just … . Well , I have a hard week coming up with finals at school and … Never mind . Nothing I say matters . All you care about is your writing and your sister . " " Go , just go , " she said . " I 'll deal with my problems . I never get any support from you anyway . " She fell on the futon , put her hands over her face and sobbed . It was a new year : January 5 , 2002 . We had already invaded Afghanistan and were driving out the Taliban , while edging relentlessly toward invading Iraq . Our standing in the world was low and declining ; as I settled into the broad , cushy first class seat next to Dave for the twelve - hour flight to Yangon , the largest city in Myanmar , I wondered how we would be received . Once the captain had turned off the seat belt sign , I got up , went to the restroom and did two lines . Dave chattered on and on . I was only half listening when he said , " I hope we can bring back some samples from this guy . I think we can get a couple briefcases with false bottoms . " I didn 't say anything . I was afraid to say something that would make Dave angry , but the idea of us smuggling drugs back to the U . S . made me wish I hadn 't agreed to this trip . But what could I do ? I would have been out on the street if Dave hadn 't loaned me the money to cover those bad checks . Nine months before I 'd had $ 85 , 000 in my bank account . I was doing my best to numb my brain with alcohol and coke , but it wasn 't working . I was nervous about flying with a drug dealer and possible international drug smuggler . I didn 't like the way I was living , though I wasn 't fully aware of my feelings then . I just had a constant , uneasy feeling . My life seemed glamorous to people who claimed to be my friends , but at some level I knew they weren 't real friends . I was using alcohol and drugs to keep me from understanding that either I wasn 't leading an authentic life ; or if this was the authentic me , I had better think about a change soon . These feelings were bubbling close to the surface - only the alcohol and drugs kept them from reaching it . We joined one of the lines . " I don 't know , " I said . I could barely see to the head of each line . Then I saw what was holding us up . They were hand - searching luggage . " I am sorry , you cannot go there . I can put you in the queue where you were . It will not take long . Then you use the bathroom or go to First Aid around the corner to your right , " he said , pointing . " Can we go back there ? " asked Dave , pointing to immigration . " There 's a bench we can sit on . " And , what Dave didn 't say - trash cans . " No , I 'm sorry . I cannot let you return to immigration . You must go to customs now . I will help you to return to where you were in queue . " " Thank you , " I said to him . Dave smirked . We waited . The line wasn 't moving very quickly , but I could see the front of the line a little better as we advanced . An older man and a young woman stood behind the tables . They let some people pass to the window where they handed in their customs forms and were allowed out . They were manually searching the luggage of others . I couldn 't discern any pattern to which people they searched . Terror surged from my head to my stomach . My legs started shaking . My mind raced from the three little bottles of cocaine in the bottom of my suitcase to the article I had read in the paper about Americans with twenty - year sentences for possession of illegal drugs , suffering from lack of food , cold and even torture in foreign prisons . I didn 't know what prisons in Myanmar were like , but I could guess . The searches still appeared random . My stomach tightened into a knot , and my legs were shaking . If I were to have a chance of getting out of this , I had to calm down and not act so nervous . It suddenly occurred to me they were not searching anyone 's person . " I wish I could , " said Dave . " I have too much to fit in my pocket . I wanted to share with whoever we might meet here . " The line moved forward . This was about my last chance to get into my suitcase without being noticed . I set it flat on the ground , unzipped it and , bending over , felt around until I felt the little bottles . I grabbed two in one hand and one in the other and stuffed them into my pants pockets as covertly as possible . As we moved closer to the tables , I could see that the male officer searched more thoroughly than the female one . I went first and made it to the front of the line feeling like I looked calm on the outside . I said a silent prayer that the woman would finish first so she , not the man , would search my bag . She appeared to be in her mid - twenties , short , and kind looking . Besides , the man looked mean , especially compared to the woman . She said in perfect English , " Good morning , sir . Open your bags , please . " Somehow , I opened the bags without my hands shaking . She couldn 't see the knot in my stomach . Suddenly , I had the panicked recollection that I had another bottle in my suitcase . I had packed four bottles . She looked through my briefcase first , item by item , and peered into the various pockets . When she turned to my suitcase , I closed my briefcase . Looking in my suitcase , she saw my toiletries bag first . She unzipped it and looked at and handled each item before zipping it up . Then she lifted every piece of clothing , even inspecting my shoes , putting her hand inside each shoe up to the toe . A pair of socks lay on top of where I thought the fourth bottle was . She looked at the socks , but did not lift them . I hurried to the counter and handed the man behind it my customs card . He stamped it and motioned for me to go . I looked back . A large plastic bag was sitting on the table between the man and Dave . Two more soldiers approached . I hurried out the door and into the main terminal , pulling my suitcase behind me . Just as I got to the main door out of the terminal , I heard the pounding of footsteps behind me . " Mr . Wilson ? " a male voice yelled in broken English . I opened the door , tension gripping my body . I pulled my suitcase through the door and felt my arms being grabbed from behind . " Are you Bradley Wilson , sir ? " a short young man in military uniform asked as he let go of my arm and stepped in front of me . In a split second I weighed whether to admit my identity , but they would ask for my passport and catch me in a lie . " Passport , please , " the short , fat man said . I reached in my pocket and handed him my passport . He opened it to the main page with my photo , looked up at me , and asked , " Were you traveling with David Borelli ? " Mark and Lauren sat at a table at L ' Espalier waiting for their entree . Lauren , Mark 's yoga instructor , wasn 't very chatty . She rarely made small talk . Mark liked that . After a few moments of silence , Mark asked her what she did besides teach yoga . " My real love is art , " she said . I paint , but my passion is writing - poetry and fiction . " She said she 'd started writing when she was nine , after her mother died . " Yes , unfortunately , " she said . " I didn 't get along with my stepmother . I ran away and lived with my grandmother . I owe her a lot . So … I 'm really blabbering , aren 't I ? " Lauren , totally immersed in the conversation , looked straight at Mark , not distracted by the commotion of patrons and servers . " Well , to round out the story , I put myself through U . Mass , Boston , English lit major , and I 've been writing and waitressing ever since . I started teaching yoga three years ago . " Mark , chowing down his lamb shank , was a little nervous . He had given Lauren a short story he 'd written . She had critiqued it , and agreed to read it again . The revised manuscript sat on the table to Lauren 's right . She picked it up . " It 's better , " she said , " but the ending is too melodramatic . Why not end it here ? " She drew a line on the third page from the end . " I 've marked passages that don 't ring true . I hope you keep working on it . " She unlocked the door and they stepped into an entryway with ocean blue walls and burnt orange ceramic tile . A rot iron chandelier bathed the area in pale yellow light . Mark looked around as Lauren stepped into the living room . The living room 's color scheme was green . It ended in floor to ceiling windows with a panoramic view of Boston Harbor . " Wow , that 's quite a view , " said Mark . He wondered how a part time yoga instructor and waitress afforded to live there . She must sleep with her roommate , he thought . " Yeah , I love it , " she said . " Sit wherever you like . " She laughed . " I sound like a waitress . Can I get you a cognac ? " Lauren walked over to a wet bar in the corner and poured drinks in brandy snifters . She handed Mark his and sat next to him , tucking her leg underneath . She took her cell phone out of her skirt pocket . " Excuse me . I need to listen to a voice mail message . Grandma calls every night before she goes to bed , so I know she 's okay . She 's 86 now , and she 's in good health for her age , but you never know . " She listened for a moment and then closed her cell phone . " Oh , yeah . She 's fine . " Lauren glanced over at a closed door next to a built - in floor to ceiling bookcase . Her blue eyes , darker in the dim light , darted around the room , as if she was waiting for something to happen . She smiled and looked straight at Mark . Her left eye twitched , and she scooted a little closer . Their knees touched . She rested her hand on his knee . Her scooped neck blouse revealed cleavage , as she leaned forward and pulled her leg out from under her . Her long natural blond hair fell across the right side of her face . Mark smiled back at her and put his hand on top of hers . He touched her cheek and hesitated . She smiled . He kissed her . She pushed her tongue between his lips , but a moment later pulled back . " Mark , I feel I have to show you something . You 're too nice a guy to deceive , and I 'm attracted to you - I 've always been attracted to older men - but I don 't want you to think I 'm somebody I 'm not . She got up and led him toward the closed door . She opened it , grabbed his hand and pulled him behind her . At the back of the small room stood an antique , glass top table - a pile of white powder in the center . Mark 's eyes widened , but he didn 't make a sound . She asked the question Mark wanted to ask . " Why do I sell cocaine ? Well , my grandmother has no means of support , and she gave up ten years of her life for me . I want to go to graduate school . I want to be a writer ; that means everything to me . Teaching yoga and waitressing part time don 't cut it . " Mark was stunned . He stood staring at the cocaine , then turned to Lauren , not knowing what to say . Though he had never known one , he pictured a drug dealer as a shadowy , greasy man with his own pitiful drug addiction , not a beautiful , creative young woman with everything going for her . Mark sat down next to Lauren and took a sip of Cognac . " Just so you know , I don 't use the stuff , " she said . " It 's strictly a business . " They looked at each other . Mark looked at her . Damn , she 's beautiful , and smart , he thought . She seems to like me . Except for this one not so little problem , I 'd love to pursue a relationship . " I have to say , Lauren , I 'm not comfortable here , but I like you . I 'd like to get to know you better . Why don 't we hang out at my place in the future ? " " I don 't know if I do understand , " said Mark , " but I don 't judge you . I have no right to criticize the way you run your life . God knows I 've made some bad decisions running mine . " Dating a drug dealer is out of my comfort zone , Mark thought , as he drove home . But , as long as she doesn 't use drugs , and they stay away from the place where she sells them , there doesn 't seem to be any harm . Lauren 's really talented , he thought . She could help me ; and besides , she 's hot . He felt ready to escape the solitude that engulfed him since he had moved to Cambridge . He hadn 't dated much since his marriage disintegrated three years before . The hedge fund he had started when he left his high - pressure job at Merrill Lynch in New York was successful immediately , and the hours were less . But he didn 't just sit around or play golf . He took classes in creative writing and started writing fiction . He pulled Lauren to him and kissed her . Eventually , he caressed her breast over her yoga top . " Sorry to interrupt the lovely , romantic ambiance , " he said . " I really want to undress you , but I don 't have a clue how to get this yoga outfit off . " Lauren laughed and kissed him . " How about if we go in the bedroom ? I 'll undress you first , and then I 'll show you how to get a yoga outfit off . " After they made love , Lauren pulled up the covers and sighed . " Now I know why I like older men , " she said . " That was awesome . " Lauren stayed the night . It became a regular thing after his yoga lessons . One night they wrote and read aloud to each other . That became a regular thing too . Soon she was coming over Sunday afternoons . They took a long walk along Massachusetts Avenue past Harvard Square . One Sunday they cooked seared yellow fin tuna , garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus , despite Lauren 's claim that she didn 't know how to cook . Another Sunday afternoon , they jogged to the river and back . She asked if he minded her running on ahead . " Not at all , " he said . He was pleased he was almost able to keep up with her . He felt younger , more alive . He fell in love . In bed , after they disengaged , he told her so . She looked away and then back at him . " I 'm flattered , but I don 't fall in love that quickly , probably because I 've been burned too many times . The last man I loved was sleeping with my uncle . People aren 't always what they seem . " One Saturday night Mark awoke to the sound of the tune on his cell phone . As he staggered to the dresser and picked it up , the clock said 3 : 32 AM . The screen on the cell phone flashed " RESTRICTED . " Better answer it - in case , he thought . " Mark , this is Lauren . I need your help . " Her voice cracked . " I 'm in jail . Please come and bail me out . They arrested Joe too , or I woulda called him . It 's his fault , the asshole . It 's awful here . They strip - searched me , and everything . I feel like I 'm in a bad movie . Only this is real . Please help me . " Mark called a bail bondsman and arranged to meet him at the jail . Three hours later he drove Lauren to his apartment . He made coffee . Lauren slumped on the couch . " I can 't believe this happened , " she said . " We were so careful , and then Joe blew it . We always said we would only sell to people we knew . Joe broke that rule , only once as far as I know , and that was it . The woman with the buyer was a cop . " " I don 't know what to do now . How can I keep supporting my grandmother ? " How can I pay for graduate school ? " She sobbed . Mark sat down next to her on the couch and hugged her until she stopped . " You can get student loans to pay for graduate school . You can live with me rent free and teach yoga to pay for your other expenses . As for your grandmother , Lauren , it 's not your responsibility to support her . You shouldn 't throw away your life selling drugs to do it . She wouldn 't want you to . I bet she doesn 't know you 're selling drugs to support her , does she ? Lauren began to sob again . When she stopped , she stood up and walked to the kitchen and back . " Mark , this isn 't the first time . I was convicted three years ago for possession and got probation . I also have a prostitution conviction . I used to be an escort for wealthy , older men . I 'm screwed . " Mark couldn 't think of anything to say . He stared at the wall . After Lauren went home , he walked down to the Charles River Esplanade , where he and Lauren had jogged . She was trouble , he thought . But he enjoyed being with her so much . He had never had such deep conversations with anyone . He had never felt so vibrant , so eager for the next day . Anyway , he couldn 't abandon her now . Lauren moved in with Mark . Except for her phone calls and meetings with her attorney , their normal lives went on . She was as passionate about her writing and his , and it was contagious . They didn 't talk about the future . One day Lauren bounded in the door , smiling . " The prosecutor 's going to accept a plea to possession . My attorney says they 're worried about the entrapment defense . " When Mark visited her in prison the first time , as their time to talk had almost expired , she said , " Mark , the only thing that keeps me going in here is dreaming about getting out and going back to you . Every night before I go to sleep I picture us in bed together in the condo . I love you . " Driving home Mark felt tense . He knew he had to make a decision about Lauren , and in fairness to her , soon . He needed the peace of a decision too . He felt whole and alive with her . But … it wasn 't just the cocaine . She sold her body too . What else would she do to get what she wanted ? She didn 't learn from previous crimes . Why should he assume that she had from this ? He couldn 't live with such risk and turmoil . Was she trouble , or was she just flawed , like everybody else ? How flawed is too flawed ? The next time he visited her he pulled up the chair and waited for her to walk through the cream colored door on the other side of the partition . The guard stood next to the chair she would sit in and stared through him . When she saw Mark , she smiled with her whole face , wrinkling her temples . He didn 't smile . He knew it would look fake . " Yes , " he said . " It 's best if we deal with what I have to say right away . I fell in love with you Lauren , but when I did , I fell in love with somebody I didn 't know . You have many wonderful qualities , and you 've been very good to me . I 'll always love you for that . But I can 't deal with what you do that isn 't so wonderful . I can 't handle it . So … I 'm saying good - bye now . I won 't be seeing you anymore . I … I 'm sorry . " Tears filled Mark 's eyes . Lauren 's lower lip quivered . " Take care of yourself , " he said , and turned around and walked away . " I 'm glad to hear from you , " she said . " I 've been thinking about you and wondering what you 're up to . " Age had added just enough huskiness to her voice to make it even sexier . " Great ! I love my job , " she said . " It 's challenging , and my boss is really nice . Last year I was promoted to senior paralegal . " " It 's really nice to talk to you after all this time , " she said . " We 've always been able to talk . " Yeah right , I thought . Well , here goes . What the hell . Saturday afternoon I drove north on the 101 . I wondered if Stephanie would sleep with me . Or would she reject me ? During our marriage she used sex for control . I wouldn 't let that happen again - no way . Maybe it was trouble , but I needed to see her . Did I need to forgive her to fuck her ? I wondered . I stood at her door for a moment , hesitating . My chest was tight , my underarms moist . I knocked . Two seconds later she opened the door . She wore a long multicolored dress with a scooping neckline that showed a lot of cleavage . Her hair was the same dark brown with streaks of blond , wavy and just above her shoulders . Undoubtedly , it was now gray underneath . She was as thin as ever . Though her forehead was wrinkled , crow 's feet spread from her eyes , and her jowls sagged slightly , I wanted her . " Hi , Doug , " she said with a coquettish smile . " Come in . Welcome . " We kissed and hugged perfunctorily , as if this were a casual meeting of friends . She bent over , and picked up her sweater from the couch . Her boobs , braless , nearly fell from her dress . I stared . She smiled again . As we waited in the reception area of Harbor Restaurant , she pressed her hand to my arm . I peered down her dress at her erect nipples until the hostess asked us to follow . We sat at a window table overlooking the Pacific , and I picked up the wine list . " Would you like a glass of wine ? I asked . " Yeah , I shouldn 't have married him , " she said . " I was lonely , I guess . It 's so nice to have someone . " After I asked for the check , she thanked me for dinner . " It 's been good to see you again , Doug . You 're welcome to stay at my place tonight if you don 't mind sleeping on the couch . It 's fairly comfortable . I know it 's a long drive home for you . " I signed my credit card slip . " Let 's go out to the pier and enjoy the view , " I suggested . She offered her arm . We strolled to the railing and gazed at the ocean . The breeze smelled of salt . A harvest moon hung low on the horizon . " Look , " I said , pointing . " Beautiful , " she murmured . When her hand brushed mine , I held it . Sea gulls squawked overhead . Dark waves rolled to shore , their foam flashing phosphorescent lime green . I let go her hand and put my arm around her , pressing my hip against hers . I stroked her back just below her neck . She leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed , then turned and looked up at me , reflected light shimmering in her eyes . When we kissed , it felt like it always had - natural . I 've felt awkward kissing some women , as if our mouths didn 't quite fit together , but with Stephanie it was different . I caressed her , pulling her against my hardness . I knew she felt it , and she didn 't pull away . As soon as we stumbled through the doorway , we kissed . I unzipped her dress and pulled it off . She helped me undress , and we fell onto the couch , our bodies pressed together , undulating . I was electrified , almost crazed . I entered her . As the tension mounted , our movements became fluid and synchronized , as natural as if we 'd never been apart . We moaned together with each thrust . I kept moving inside her even after I came , until she screamed and went limp . After showering together , we dressed . " Let 's have breakfast . There 's a cafe down the street that has your favorite Italian sausage , " she said . I drove up on a Friday afternoon three weeks later . She opened the door before I knocked . Her nipples showed through her flimsy white blouse . With the door still open , we kissed , slowly at first , then with darting tongues . I was so hard I ached . She moaned and slid her hand down to my erection . She kicked the door shut , knelt and pulled down my shorts . She took me in her mouth , kneeling , just like she had kneeled the time I caught her giving my friend a blow job in the bathroom . That evening we walked down to the beach and sat on a large , smooth rock . The long summer day had left it warm . At low tide , sea foam laced the black water that ebbed and flowed beyond us . I stood up . " Come here , " I said . She took my hand and I pulled her to her feet . I slipped her shirt over her arms . She did the same to me . I pulled down her shorts , then mine . We clasped each other , kissing and caressing , then lay down on the rock , side - by - side . The cool , damp breeze raised goose bumps on her skin , but they vanished as I pressed every inch of her against me , my hands all down her back . I entered her like that . We moved slowly at first , then with our bellies slapping together , faster and faster . She moaned with each breath until her body shuddered against me . She relaxed , and I exploded inside her . My belly sunk into hers , my arms around her . I stayed inside her until she shivered . As I held her , I remembered how she used to turn away from me in bed . We slept late on Saturday , took a long walk on the beach and ate dinner in . That night , after we made love , Stephanie , looked at me , her eyes wet . " I love you , Doug . I was a fool to leave you . " " Well , we can 't go back to the way we were , 20 years ago . I don 't want to , " I said . " I 'm not interested in marriage any more , and I 'm enjoying my freedom . " She looked away . " I understand , " she said . A tear moistened the corner of her eye . She turned toward the wall . I went to the bathroom , to retrieve my dental floss from the counter . She followed . " Oh , I don 't know - go for a hike in the hills , read , nothing special , " I said . During the next couple of weeks I fantasized about her constantly , and she phoned me nearly every night . Two weeks later , as I hiked in the San Gabriel Mountains , I pictured her naked , sucking me in a men 's room stall . I stopped on the trail . Pre - cum soaked my shorts , and I went behind a tree and jerked off . A month later we drove down to San Diego to visit our adult children , Sara and Austin . It was an Indian summer day . We took Sara 's German shepherd for a walk in the park . I pointed out the picnic tables and grills and suggested we barbeque hot dogs for an early dinner . " There 's a deli over there , " I said , pointing to the left . " 180 dollars for hot dogs in the park ? " was all I said , but I must have looked furious . During our marriage Stephanie charged so much that I took her credit cards away and gave her a budgeted amount of cash monthly . She always ran out of cash before the month was up , and I always gave her more . She accused me of treating her like a child . I told her I wouldn 't have to , if she didn 't act like one . Back at Sara 's , Stephanie poured a glass of wine from one of the bottles . A few minutes later it was gone , and she poured another . I wondered why she was drinking again . The door was open . She sat on the bed , her eyes full of tears . " I just don 't think you care about me , Doug . We haven 't been together in over a month , but you don 't want to go to bed with me . You 'd rather sit around and chat with the kids . How do you think that makes me feel ? " " I do care about you , Stephanie , but I also care about our kids . And why are you drinking again ? You know you have a problem with alcohol . " She turned her head and sobbed . I left . Sara was alone in the living room . " I overheard part of that , " she said . " Mom 's drinking again . I don 't know what 's going on , maybe it 's none of my business , but you two are no good together . There 's a reason you got divorced . " The next afternoon , before we left , I noticed the wine bottles , empty in the kitchen trash . Was it me ? Something I was doing ? Maybe she couldn 't handle me having the upper hand . Maybe that 's why she was drinking again . I didn 't care ; I wasn 't going to give up control . I didn 't enjoy her company , except for the sex . About 24 hours , and I was sick of her . I knew I probably should stop seeing her . I stopped calling her . She phoned and invited me to come see her . I made up excuses not to , but still , I longed to fuck her . She said she missed me . She emailed me a description of all the things she wanted to do to my body , and I almost drove up to let her . A month later she called from a hospital . She 'd been admitted with stomach pain . " Doug , please come up here . I need you . I 'm scared . " She called the next day . " They discharged me , " she said . " They couldn 't find anything wrong . The doctor prescribed anti - anxiety and anti - depression medication . " Three Sundays later she phoned . Through her sobs , I discerned she 'd been fired . " Santa Barbara 's a small legal community . Everybody here probably knows what happened , " she said . " I 'm sure I can get a job in L . A . Can I stay with you until I save enough to get my own place ? " The next Friday she arrived . I went down to her car and helped carry up her belongings . We made two trips , carrying her skirts , blouses and shoes for work ; one pair of genes ; a pair of shorts ; two casual shirts ; three panties and bras ; a pair of sneakers ; a stained nightgown ; and a box of old photos of the kids . One of those large bottles of Smirnoff Vodka peeked out of a shopping bag . After peeing , she came back in the living room in only her bra and panties . Her ribs and hips looked sharp under her skin . She 'd lost weight , but her belly sagged . I went over to her and pulled down my pants . " Suck me , " I said . She did , until I came . She got a job right away . That first week together we had sex every day . She never refused . Friday night she joined me on the terrace as I sipped a glass of wine . Walls shielded us on both sides . She removed my sandals , stroked my feet and legs and sucked my toes . She kissed my mouth , lovely wet , delicious kisses . Soon we were lying naked , devouring each other . The tension mounted . She screamed louder with each thrust . As we climaxed , she let out one last scream . " Are you all right over there ? " somebody yelled . I dressed while Stephanie peed . From the corner of my eye I saw her walk to the kitchen , still naked , carrying bottles of pills . I watched her pour vodka and wash down the pills . I wondered then , why am I into such a sick woman ? I 'm addicted to her . Neither of us had mentioned when she would move out . One night I met her as she pulled into her parking space . I told her to get in the back seat with me . I pulled down my pants , and she went down on me . " I 'll do anything you want , Doug . Just tell me . " She licked me everywhere I told her to . It seemed humiliating for her , but I liked it . She 'd humiliated me when we were married . She once told our friends about her sexual escapades with other men . She deserved this . Two weeks into her job , she came home early , and said she 'd been fired . " Personality clash , " she said . " But I 've already called the employment agency , and I have two interviews Monday . It 'll be all right . " She pulled a bottle of vodka from her purse and poured a full glass . " I 'm not hungry , " Stephanie replied . " I 'll make you some pasta . Please stay home with me . I need you , Doug . " She changed into her nightgown while the water heated . The bedroom door was open . She was drinking more vodka and taking pills . When she came back to the kitchen , I reached up her nightgown and fingered her . I made her lie down on the table , and I fucked her while the pasta cooked . She didn 't come . She got another job immediately and moved to Beverly Hills near her job . I worried that she was moving on , but she called or emailed nearly every day . She even sent me a key to her apartment , “… so you can hang out anytime you want , " she said . I won 't hang out there , I thought , but I can go fuck her . I had a deposition 10 minutes from Stephanie 's , so afterward I called and told her I 'd be right over . I let myself in . She stood in the kitchen wearing panties and her blouse from work . She clutched a glass , her Smirnoff bottle on the counter . " I was fired again , " she slurred . " It 's my birthday tomorrow . " " Well , let 's go do what you came for , " she said , and then stumbled toward the bedroom . She pulled off her clothes and collapsed on the bed spread - eagled . I piled mine on the floor and climbed on top of her . She smelled sour and faintly of shit , like she hadn 't wiped herself , but I managed to get enough of an erection to fuck her . When I pulled out , she turned toward the wall . " I 'm going to sleep , " she said . She fell asleep right away and I left . I pulled out of the apartment garage and drove to the Cheesecake Factory . I sat at the bar and ordered a Scotch . This thing with Stephanie was so wrong . I didn 't want to be around her , but I was obsessed with her . The sex wasn 't even good anymore , but I still wanted to fuck her . I wanted to be able to fuck her . And she was sick , getting worse . Maybe I should organize an intervention , try to get her into Rehab . She 'd probably resist , but I thought I should do something . " No , nothing , " she answered . " I 'm just tired . " I suggested we go to the Polo Lounge for a special birthday dessert . " I don 't really feel like dessert , " she said . " I 'd rather just go home . " In her apartment I pulled her to me and kissed her . Her mouth opened , but her tongue was flaccid . She pressed her hands against my shoulders and stepped back . " I 'm really tired . I just want to go to sleep , if you don 't mind , " she said . " Okay , " I said . She had never refused me before , except when we were married . I followed her to the bedroom . She opened her dresser drawer and took out a black , see - through negligee . I gave her a peck on the cheek . I found a bar and ordered a drink . I wondered what was going on with Stephanie . Why was she rejecting me ? She hadn 't until now . She didn 't drink as much as usual tonight . That was good , but something felt wrong . I drove home . On the elevator up to my condo I checked my pockets . My cell phone was missing . Damn . I 'd set it down on Stephanie 's night stand before I 'd kissed her goodnight . I needed my phone . It wasn 't that late . I could just go pick it up , I figured . I probably wouldn 't wake her . I unlocked her front door and slipped in , stepping quietly through the hall to her room . The moonlight poured through the window over Stephanie 's face on her pillow . She lay on her side , her black negligee bunched up around her chest . The covers had slipped down to her belly ; they gathered behind her in a dark mass . It took a moment to sink in - a man was lying next to her . I stepped back . Stephanie 's eyes sprung open , gaping wide . " Shit , " she said , closing her eyes again , then turning away . " You fucking whore , " I bellowed . I wanted to hit her . My hand was already clenched . I leaned back on my heels , holding my breath . Can this really be happening ? I thought . I got the hell out of there , slamming the door behind me . I don 't remember driving home . Saturday I stayed in bed until night - time when , still in Friday 's clothes , I walked out of my condo . I stopped at the first restaurant I saw , sat down at the bar and ordered a double Scotch . I spoke to no one , except to order more Scotch . Sunday morning an eerie calm hovered over my hangover . I fixed eggs and toast , my first food since Friday night . Meanwhile , the calm had evaporated - my chest was tight . I drank a Scotch but it didn 't help . I kept turning it over in my mind . How could she do that to me ? I wondered if she 'd been fucking other men all along . Goddamn ! Wasn 't it good enough with me ? Maybe she didn 't like it . Maybe she faked all those orgasms . But she always seemed to want it . Why wasn 't she faithful ? Not in our marriage , not now . I was always faithful to her , but she betrayed me . How could I let her do this to me again ? I must be the stupidest man on earth . My stomach was churning . Saliva sprang to my mouth . I ran to the toilet , banging my shoulder on the door jam . Fuck . I lost the eggs and toast , mostly on the floor . Reaching into the linen closet , I grabbed a towel and dry heaved while wiping up the mess . I went back to bed and buried my face in the pillow , letting the tears flow . Sunday passed in a haze . I don 't remember what I did . Monday , I awoke tense , like I 'd had bad dreams , but I didn 't remember any . The morning was still dark . I called my office and left a voice message , saying I was ill . I opened the cupboard and grabbed the coffee . I pulled the filter out of the box and stuck it in the coffee maker . I poured coffee into the filter without measuring . It came out in a big clump and spilled on the counter . " Fuck , " I swore . I didn 't bother to clean it up . I just shook in more . I filled the pot with water , poured it in and pushed the on button . Then I paced . The coffee was taking forever . I pulled the pot out before it was done . As I poured a cup , my knuckles scraped the pot . It burned like hell . " Shit ! " I yelled . I banged down the pot and ran cold water over my hand , then picked up my mug and swallowed . The black coffee burned my throat . I left it , went into the living room and grabbed the remote . I flipped through 200 channels - nothing on but ads and cartoons . I can 't stay here any longer , I thought . I 'd better run . I tied my running shoes , then jogged down to the beach . Along the Venice Boardwalk I picked up speed , heaving with each stride . Past Muscle Beach , closed restaurants and street - vendors setting up their wares , I ran like a mad man . I turned toward the water , then the bike path , past Santa Monica Pier toward Malibu . I ran and ran , seeing nothing . My lungs burned . My legs ached and eventually buckled . Gasping , I fell to the sand . I lay there long after my breath returned . Finally , I got up . I felt cleansed . Walking home , I was too tired and I ached too much to be angry . At home , I poured another cup of coffee and heated it in the microwave . I added cream and a spoonful of sugar , sipping slowly while I got the Quaker oatmeal down from the cupboard . I poured in the liquid , half milk and half water and set it on the stove . I got down the raisins and brown sugar and sliced a banana . I heated the milk in the microwave , 15 seconds to take off the chill . Stirring the oatmeal , I watched the grayish grain swirl until it was thick and soft enough to eat . After scraping it into my porcelain bowl , I scooped in the brown sugar , sprinkled on some raisins and laid in the banana , one slice at a time . At the kitchen table , I slowly spooned the warm cereal into my mouth , rolling it on my tongue . When I finished , I rinsed the bowl and mug and put them in the dishwasher . I still felt hungry , so I made some toast , spread on butter and jam and munched on it back at the kitchen table . Afterwards , I walked to my bedroom and gazed out my window at the marina below . A young woman stepped from a blue and white sailboat onto the dock . Her burgundy dress fluttered around her legs . She probably spent the night with her boyfriend , I thought . A man on the next dock hosed down his boat . Mallards floated by . I looked at the spines of the books on the shelf by the window . It was like riding my bike down a hill without pedaling . I was at ease . I ambled over to my recliner and sank down . My thoughts returned to Stephanie . Why did she cheat on me ? Was she just a whore ? No , I didn 't really think so . She slept with that guy to get back at me - for revenge . She 'd done it deliberately . She said she loved me , and I humiliated her . And why ? To hurt her . I 'd loved her once , and she had hurt me . I 'd been mad ever since . I 'd wanted revenge . So had she . I thought I had control , but she paid me back in kind . It was the same power struggle we 'd enacted in our marriage . " I don 't know the details . Apparently she overdosed on something , and washed it down with a lot of alcohol . They think she attempted suicide . " " Bye dad , " he said . I hung up and sat down . I was part of this . I 'd helped this happen . I tried to hurt her , and I might have killed her . I played a dangerous game . Austin called later that evening . He said she had a 50 - 50 chance of survival . I thanked him for telling me and asked him to keep me informed . After I hung up the phone , I covered my face with my hands and sobbed . Two days later Sara phoned . " Austin and I just left Mom 's room . She 's better , and the doctor says she 'll be okay . " I stumbled out of my tent at our lakeside campground in Malawi , Africa and headed for the black iron gate . Several monkeys followed me . I waited at the gate , greeting my 12 fellow tour group members as they arrived in groups of two or three . Shouting and laughter of young male Africans reverberated from outside the gate . I wondered aloud if they would swarm around us to try to sell their crafts , art or trinkets , an experience tourists in Africa commonly encounter . The gate opened , and we braced ourselves . A young man stepped in and closed the gate behind him . He said hello , shook the guard 's hand and waived at us . He shouted his long African name above the din , but I didn 't get it and forgot to ask him . I 'll call him Kea , the name of a Tanzanian man I met later in Zanzibar . " I will be your tour guide , " Kea said , as the voices outside quieted . " The name of the village we will visit is Mbamba . " ( The " M " is silent . ) Kea collected $ 5 . 00 each for the tour , then opened the gate and asked us to follow him . In a flash the men crowded around , then disbursed among us as we walked . Two of them walked on either side of me . One , a tall , chunky man with short hair introduced himself as Cisco and asked me my name . I told him , and we shook hands . The other said he was Bush Bebe ( phonetically spelled ) - unlikely , I thought , as I shook his outstretched hand . " Glad to meet you , " he said . His head was shaven , and compared to Cisco he looked about four feet tall . Cisco said he lived in the village with his grandmother . " I live in the village too , " said Bush Bebe . I noticed that two young men flanked each of the other tour members . Everyone chatted as we walked . Neither Cisco , nor Bush Bebe , mentioned selling anything , but I was certain they would . At the end of the tour my prediction came true . I bought a t - shirt that we designed together . As we stood outside the campsite gate , we agreed that on the back it would have a map of the five east African countries we planned to visit and pictures of a fisherman and women grinding cassava into flour . The village name , Mbamba , would be on the left front . I chose a black shirt and said it was up to them to choose colors for the graphics . They said it would be ready outside the camp gate at 6 : 00 o ' clock . Obviously , their sales technique was effective . I probably wouldn 't have bought anything , certainly not a $ 35 t - shirt , before we became " friends . " I handed Cisco the money with only a fleeting thought that I might never see them again . About five hours later , at two minutes to six , the guard walked over to our camp and told me Cisco was waiting for me . The shirt is beautiful . We walked along the dusty path - it hadn 't rained in a few days - toward the village , surrounded by the lush foliage and red and yellow flowers sprinkled about the jungle - like terrain . I recognized mango trees , cassava and groves of banana plants . Cisco said he was 19 , had gone to secondary school and hoped to go to the university . His English was clearer and more grammatical than most of the Africans I had talked to . He said the villagers usually spoke Swahili among themselves . Bush Bebe said he was in secondary school . They both said they had lived in the village their entire lives and intended to stay . We began to see thatched roof huts near the path . In about a mile we reached a small outdoor market and a water pump surrounded by thirty or so huts - the village center . Small wooden tables and brightly colored cloths draped on the ground were covered with fruits and vegetables - tomatoes , corn , potatoes , avocados , beans , bananas , fruit I didn 't recognize ; and arts and crafts - paintings on animal skins of traditional dancers , animals , warriors ; and wooden carvings of the wild animals of Africa - elephants , zebras , wildebeests , giraffes , monkeys , lions and leopards . There were handmade drums and local woodwind and string instruments of various shapes and sizes , and CD 's of African music . I doubt if anyone in the village had a CD player . A line of women waited at the water pump chatting with each other and their children . As a child worked the pump handle , a woman filled a plastic tub . When it was full , she hoisted it up to her head , took the child 's hand and walked down a path with the heavy tub balanced on her head . Kea asked us to gather around . The scene at the water pump continued . Kea said that most people in the village were subsistence farmers , growing cassava , tomatoes , beans , corn , rice , bananas and mangos . Some kept chickens . A few earned a living from tourism . There was no other work for the villagers . He told us that the well and pump had been provided by a charitable foundation , that it was the only source of potable water for the village . People who lived on the outskirts had to walk miles for water . He led us over to the outdoor market and said what we saw was the surplus produce that the villagers grew and arts and crafts the villagers made . He didn 't mention the CD 's . Nor did anyone try to sell us anything . He said there were no mangos or cassava flour at the market , because everyone grew cassava and mangos . Kea said he would take us to visit the village school and the hospital , and then we would come back to the village center for lunch . He asked us if we would like to visit his home . We all said , " Yes . " Our individual guides left us . Cisco said they would rejoin us when we came back to the village . We followed Kea for 50 yards or so . He gestured toward a hut made of mud bricks and a thatched roof . " That 's my home . " He said matter of factly that the thatched roof leaked . " I wake up with water dripping on me . Needs lots of maintenance . " He laughed . The 13 of us couldn 't fit in the small home - a living room with a smoldering fire on the dirt floor , about eight feet square and two other tiny rooms with openings in the interior mud walls . We took turns , entering in two compact groups . He said they cooked over the fire . He pointed at a small table and two chairs . " This is where we eat , " he said , as he pushed them to the side to make more room . It was the only furniture ; the house had no plumbing or appliances . He said one in five people in the village was infected with HIV , more women than men . He didn 't say , but it occurred to me that was why he and Cisco lived with their grandmothers . Probably , their mothers had died of AIDS . In answer to a question , he said that the average age for girls to marry was 15 . Men , women and older children all worked on the farms . As we left Kea 's home and headed up the dirt path for the school , 25 to 30 children appeared from somewhere . They looked as young as 3 or 4 and probably as old as 10 . A boy on my left and a girl on my right grabbed my hands . They chattered away , always smiling . I couldn 't understand a lot of what they were saying , but they asked where I was from . They smiled broadly and shook their heads up and down when I said the United States . The girl , about 10 , wore a dirty beige dress that was too big for her . The skirt almost touched the ground . The top was torn and top buttons were missing , exposing most of her chest . Many of the children were dressed in near rags , likely hand me downs from long ago . Only a few had newer , brightly colored clothes . Most of the girls wore dresses . The boy who held my hand , about 7 or 8 , dressed in red shorts and an oversized yellow t - shirt , had a mango partly in his mouth , covering most of his lips . His hand was sticky . Several of the children picked up ripe mangos that had fallen from the trees , split them open with their hands and shoved them in their mouths . As we walked , although it was just past 9 : 00 , the humid heat closed in . Sweat covered foreheads and dripped from noses . We passed cassava fields and mango and banana groves . Each hut had crops growing behind or beside it . Those working on their small plots of ground were either cultivating with hoes or planting by hand . Kea said that they harvested by hand . We walked by dozens of people working , and many walking , usually carrying something on their heads - no vehicles or animals , except chickens . A girl , probably no more than 16 , bathed a protesting baby in a plastic tub . I commented that babies the world over disliked baths . Cisco smiled and nodded . In our travels in east Africa , except in the cities , we saw few vehicles or animals . Occasionally , people cultivated with a hand plough . Only once did I see an ox pulling a plough . There was no irrigation . Usually , there was enough rain , I assumed . As we continued to walk behind Kea , I wondered how far the school was , but I didn 't ask . The children sang , first together , then by themselves . Sometimes they skipped in the sweltering heat . They were almost always smiling , chattering or laughing when they weren 't singing . The older children looked after the youngest . No adults came along , except Kea . The two children holding my hands pulled me up to the front next to Kea . He smiled and asked me where I was from . " United States , " I said . He smiled broadly . " Obama , " he shouted , raising his hand in a fist . I smiled back , nodding . I asked if the people of the village had enough to eat . " Yes , usually , " he said . " We take care of each other . If a family is in need , we help out . We look after each other . " I asked about crime in the village . " Crime ? No , none , " he said . We kept walking . Most adults and children near the path waived at us with big smiles as we passed . A man standing in front of a hut walked up , patted me on the shoulder and said " Welcome . " After walking more than a mile from the village center , we finally arrived at the school . It was made of the same mud bricks as the houses , but with a sheet metal roof . I counted ten classrooms . It was a Sunday , so school was not in session . We followed Kea into a classroom . The children stayed outside , laughing , playing , shouting , much like a group of American kids would have done . The classroom floor was concrete . One of the teachers started his presentation . Kea shushed the children outside without much effect . The teacher told us there were eight grades and ten teachers . They taught math , English , Swahili , art and music , he said . I thought of our schools in the United States that were eliminating art and music from the elementary school curriculum . Music and art flourished all over east Africa . Are art and music more important to the poor ? The teacher told us there were about 1 , 500 hundred students in the school . For most it was all the education they would get . Some went to secondary school in a larger village that required them to leave their parents . A few went to the university . He said that the school was built by charitable donations and it survived because of charity . He pointed to a plain wooden box with a slit in the top and asked us to donate . Most of us did . After the teacher 's presentation , we looked around the classroom . The books on shelves in the back , except for math and English , seemed almost random , donations , I assumed , including many novels , some classic - Ivanhoe - some not so classic - Danielle Steele - for children ? I saw no children 's books . The children 's art hung on the walls , much like an elementary school in the United States . They depicted mostly village and family scenes . I asked the teacher if the school had a computer . He said they would like to have one , but they didn 't . After I got home , I read an article in the New York Times about an organization that was dedicated to providing computers for all African children by 2012 . We walked about a half - mile down another path to the hospital , a brick building , smaller than the school . It had a main room with a concrete floor , where we congregated - again the children stayed outside - and two other rooms in the back that we didn 't enter . I didn 't see any x - ray machines or other medical equipment that you would expect in a hospital . Maybe equipment was in the back , but then where were the patient rooms ? The hospital administrator , a tall , thin , young man , who spoke excellent English , told us that care at the hospital was free . Like the school teacher , he asked us for donations . Nobody asked any specific questions about the care that was given . I can 't imagine that it was much beyond first aid , but I don 't know . Nevertheless , the man spoke to us with a sense of importance and an urgency and pride in what he was doing . By the time we went outside to join the children , it was even hotter . They still laughed , skipped and chattered as we took the long walk back to the village center . Different children held my hands this time and asked me questions - where was I from , was it hot there , did I like living in Boston , how many people lived in Boston ? Sometimes I couldn 't understand what they asked . Kea had told us that English is their second language . A couple of times they skipped off for a moment , and then came back and grabbed my hands . When we got back to the village , our individual guides rejoined us . At the village center near the water pump , a large blanket was spread out on the dirt . About 20 yards back a fire under a grill flared and smoked . Kea asked us to sit . Men and women set down large bowls of food and brought plates , spoons and forks . Others handed us bowls of soup - sweet potato , Kea said . The women dished chicken , beans and rice from the steaming bowls onto our plates . The food was spicy , similar to the spices in Indian food . We were served bread made from cassava flour . It all tasted good . The portions were huge . I feared embarrassment from wasting food I couldn 't finish . The children stood behind us talking and laughing . Someone asked why the children were not eating . Kea told us they would be given what we did not eat . They were excited , he said , because they didn 't get chicken very often . We all left a lot on our plates , especially chicken . When we finished eating , adults handed the children our plates . They gobbled the food quickly . I gave a few children coins . They grabbed at them with gusto . Others gave them pens and paper . Children in towns and villages we had passed through begged for pens and paper when we stopped . That was usually their first request . The children who had pens and paper sat down in the dirt and started drawing immediately , but Kea interrupted them , put away their pens and paper and organized them into a line . Drummers appeared and started playing . The children danced and sang and invited us to join them . They tried to teach several of our women how to do the traditional African dance . The village men laughed and beat their drums . Whether they were dancing , singing or just talking , they reverberated a vibrant energy . The joy was contagious . We danced with them . It was easy to focus on what the people of Mbamba don 't have . They don 't have vehicles of any kind , either personal or for work ; washing machines , dryers , refrigerators or any other appliance ; electronic entertainment , such as radio , TV , Walkman , IPod or computers ; showers , bath tubs or toilets ; animals or machinery to help farm ; diapers ; modern toys ; telephones ; air conditioning or heating ; make - up ; deodorant ; tissues ; glasses ; dental care ; flooring ; curtains ; electric lights or any means of irrigating their crops . Instead of lawn mowers , they use machetes to " mow " during the wet season when the grass grows high . As best I could tell , they had no underwear . At least , the children didn 't . The list of what they did not have seems endless . In every village , town and city we visited or passed through in east Africa , most people we came within hearing distance of waived , smiled and said hello . Many said , " Welcome , " asked where we were from . Some tried to sell us something , and some did not . Everyone , selling or not , was unabashedly friendly . Never before in any other place have I had so many conversations with strangers . They were curious , as well as extroverted . They asked questions . They wanted to know about us . They were interested in other human beings , and they took the time to show that interest , and to try to relate to all of us . When they found out I was from the United States , they often invoked the name , " Obama . " Many asked if I had voted for him . A few asked if I knew him . Most said something positive about him . Pride showed on their faces , not just in Kenya , but in Mbamba and everywhere between . It has been said that all other things being the same , it is better to be rich than to be poor . I suppose that if you isolate those two conditions , that is true . But life is more complex than that . It cannot be isolated into rich or poor . Life involves a complex set of conditions , relative wealth being only one . The villagers of Mbamba taught me that wealth is not the most meaningful condition and may even distract one from real human fulfillment , as it has many Americans . Of course , if you do not have enough to eat to quell hunger or to maintain health , or are sick with no means to obtain medical care , or have no shelter , life cannot be fulfilling . I don 't mean to imply that the people of Mbamba do not suffer or to minimize the hardships they endure . If I thought their lives were nirvana , I would give away all my assets and move to Mbamba to be a farmer . But many Americans could learn something valuable from the way they live with what they have . The people of Mbamba taught me that if you have those necessities , you don 't need anything else . You don 't need what Americans strive for , so desperately that if we don 't have enough of what we seek - and we never seem to have enough - we numb the effects of our perceived failure with pills and alcohol ; we don 't experience either the pain or the joy that life brings . Many of us never realize what we have done to ourselves . When the singing and dancing in Mbamba concluded , the children who had accompanied me on our tour ran over , said good - bye and hugged me . I hugged them and turned my head away so they couldn 't see my tears . My tears were not for them . This was my street in Cambridge , MA , winter 2010 . It was Sunday around noon . It was still snowing when I took the photo . I went for a long walk in the snow - about forty minutes to the Boston Commons and Public Garden . I was cozy inside my winter clothes . I wish I had taken my camera . The scene in the Commons was as quiet and peaceful as the snow flakes that meandered down and settled slowly on the white ground and onto the white trees and bushes . The few people out walking talked quietly , as if they didn 't want to disturb the serenity . That is until I reached a hill where children and adults alike were sliding on makeshift snow boards from the top of the hill down to the walk path , squealing and shouting in unrestrained glee . I stopped for a few minutes to try to soak up some of this enthusiasm . Joy joined with serenity . I walked on . Soon quiet rained again . I could almost hear the snow flakes touch the ground . Well , it wasn 't really ground , of course . It was more snow from this and previous snows . As in the photo , though the camera and I were capable of seeing color everything appeared in black and white . No frills , just basics - white , gray sky , dark gray paths and buildings , lights off on a Sunday afternoon . In the Public Garden some trees were sheathed in those strings of small white lights that seemed to flicker through the falling snow . The snow picked up a bit , and felt like light pin pricks on my face . I wonder if acupuncture feels like that . It had a healing affect on me . For a few moments I thought of nothing but the scene before me - white , black , soft , quiet , calm , peace . I didn 't want it to end . It did , of course , like all pleasure and pain . I didn 't feel like walking anymore , and there before me through a darkened window was the bar of the Taj Hotel - Boston , not Mumbai . The warmth of a glass of Cabernet spurred me to walk again . Tired and a bit cold from the drop in temperature that accompanies the end of snowfall , I walked toward home . The No . 1 bus stopped , but that would have been a spoPoetry SEARCHING |
The February intensive was great , and God is awesome ! It was truly a miracle that we even made it to the intensive . About 5 - 6 hours before signing up to go , I had told my adulterous husband to leave . I was through with all of the lies and broken promises of faithfulness . At that time he was coming home on weekends and possibly one night during the week . He had an apartment closer to work which he had gotten 5 - 1 / 2 months earlier ; his reason being health related - so he didn 't go to sleep and wreck on the way to work 75 miles away . That day turned out to be a real turning point in our relationship . He did not leave . Instead , he called and told his current affair partner that it was over . The next 3 weeks was a major rollercoaster ride . We would have really good times to where I half wondered if we needed to go to the intensive or not . Then there were times that I didn 't know if we would survive long enough to make it to the intensive . And , of course , there were times that I wondered if I even wanted to make it to the intensive or just call it quits . We worked through some very trying things on our way . I found out a more things while there . It is sometimes so hard to continue on in the face of all of this . The depraved mind is a very sick thing to deal with . But praise the Lord , I have a new husband . The old one is dead . Back home from the intensive some changes were put in place . He has moved back home full time ; the apartment was emptied 2 days after our return home . He is now being driven to and from work and anywhere else he needs to go . As far as anyone else is concerned it is so he doesn 't fall asleep and wreck . That is part of it , but the big reason is that his affair partner who lives 5 - 6 blocks from the apartment is no longer accessible . His first morning back to work ( Tuesday ) after the intensive he called to let me know he had a text from her . He had not looked at it ; I would see it when he got home . He guessed that she was apologizing and wanting to see him . When he got home , he told me he didn 't even want to see it . I read it and deleted it . A little later he questioned if his assumption on the content of the text was right . She actually had just said that she was fine and wished him well . A very strange thing about this is that onn our way home Monday mid - afternoon , he commented that we needed to abandon the topic of conversation because it was not going well . Realizing what was going on , I started praying and rebuking the devil from our situation . I got about two sentences out , and then he started in praying and rebuking the devil in such a forceful way , even stronger than I was . It was really good to see him take authority over our enemy the way he did . We were back on track then and all was good . When he came home with the text , he was in a bad mood and displaying a bad attitude ( he did apologize for his behavior and asked God to forgive him for it as well ) . As we discussed that in conjunction with the text , here is what I saw . On Monday , the conversation turned bad after the text had been sent to his phone . He had not looked at that phone ( work phone ) so had not seen the existence of the text until Tuesday morning , but it actually had been sent 2 : 38pm Monday . It just seems that to me that perhaps the text was the devil 's transport in on Monday and he reared up again with it at home . We talked about it and prayed , and all is good . He suggested that maybe she is demon possessed given all of her childhood issues . I know I don 't trust her . A thought that had come to me months ago was that she would go off the deep end and do him in : if she can 't have him neither can I ! I don 't dwell on that thought ; I give it to God . The rest of the week went well until Saturday . Through the process of assisting our son working on his car , another bad attitude developed . I went with him to the parts store and the conversation left a lot to be desired . He later apologized . Sunday was ok . Monday was uneventful . And then there is Valentine 's Day . Monday night he had wanted to do something on the computer for me for Valentine 's Day , but that didn 't happen . So , when I gave him the card and small gift I had gotten for him he said something to the effect of , " I guess that makes me scum since I didn 't get you anything . . . . . I didn 't have permission to go anywhere . " That hurt ! Wednesday I was checking his e - mail and noticed that the things that we had together gone through and deleted had not been emptied out of the trash bin . I don 't think that was intentional . I probably should not have done so , but I read some of them which were to another female that he had not had a physical affair with . I was thrown for a loop even though the e - mails were from 3 + years ago . When he got home very late that night ( he had worked over because our son / driver had a night class ) , he asked what was wrong . I told him ; and he was not in the slightest bit pleased with me . Why am I digging up the old man ? All I needed was for him to hold me and assure me that the old man is gone forever . Instead , I got condemnation for reading the e - mails . I did empty the trash bin so they are gone now . I also had papers for him to sign for refinancing the house . He signed them then said , " What did I sign anyway ? For all I know , I just signed the house and everything over to you , and you 're going to kick me out . " I was stunned . I asked him where that came from . He was tired . Needless to say , it was a very sleepless night . Last night was slightly better . He apologized . We talked some . It still seemed that there was still some tension . I know he is very tired from work , but I don 't think that is a reason to dump on me . It all reminds me too much of the old man ! I 'm hoping that tonight goes better , and thank the Lord for weekends ! Are you two getting on the conference calls ? It would be helpful to do so , when these things come up . If he is serious about his marriage , he needs to do everything he can to save it . It is not going to be easy for him to change his ways . However , he needs to make sure you KNOW he is determined to do it ! Monday night he had wanted to do something on the computer for me for Valentine 's Day , but that didn 't happen . So , when I gave him the card and small gift I had gotten for him he said something to the effect of , " I guess that makes me scum since I didn 't get you anything . . . . . I didn 't have permission to go anywhere . " That hurt ! You 'll need to tell him it hurts , every time he does this sort of thing . Do not HEAR his excuses . Walk away if you have to . All I needed was for him to hold me and assure me that the old man is gone forever . He 'll need you to tell him this , too . It 's amazing what a " formerly " abusive husband does not understand . Hello 1love ! I 'm glad you 're posting ! Are you two getting on the conference calls ? It would be helpful to do so , when these things come up . If he is serious about his marriage , he needs to do everything he can to save it . You both will need to make sure you are reading the books 10 minutes a day . It is not going to be easy for him to change his ways . However , he needs to make sure you KNOW he is determined to do it ! You 'll need to tell him it hurts , every time he does this sort of thing . Do not HEAR his excuses . Walk away if you have to . He 'll need you to tell him this , too . It 's amazing what a " formerly " abusive husband does not understand . God bless you ! I hope you will keep coming back here . We have gotten on the calls a couple of times . . . when everything was going fine ! He was going to call in last night , and I reminded him that there are no Friday calls . Yes , we are both reading although he had missed a couple of days due to sheer exhaustion from work . I did tell him it hurt , and got an apology . I did tell him I needed the assurance and hug , and the next night got a half hearted hug . I finally told him exactly what I needed in an apology , and I got about half of it . . . the most important half . Well , so much for last night being better . I asked him the questions he had told me to ask him every night concerning any contact he may have had throughout the day . He got testy with that . I am accusing him and not believing him ! I reminded him that I was asking him what he had told me to ask . He was in the process of trying to get on the internet and could not . He questioned if I had done something to block his computer from connecting . Like I would know how to do that ? ? ? He finally called our provider and found out that the whole area was down . I mentioned the false accusation , and all I got was a , " I wouldn 't put it past you ! " Still no apology on that one . He did his reading and questioned what was wrong with us , but that was about as far as it got . He really didn 't seem to want to acknowledge the things that I said regBack to top I mentioned the false accusation , and all I got was a , " I wouldn 't put it past you ! " Still no apology on that one . Did he apologize for this accusation yet ? You are well within your rights to tell him that it hurt , that you need him to say he regrets hurting you and he will work on changing this sort of behavior . It can all be overwhelming at first , for both of you . Are you able to get on Kathy 's Tuesday morning calls ? I 'm sure you find it helpful . You can ask questions like , how often should I point things out to him ? Really , you BOTH ought to get on the call tonight . I know perfectly well how hard it can be to insist . I say , try insisting anyway . I 've found out I can be firm - - calmly ! God bless you , 1love ! Yes , I received proper apologies for all of the issues . At first , he was telling things the way he saw it ( about Wed . night ) . I let him finish and then asked if he wanted to hear my side of it . He thought and then said yes . After he really listened to what I was saying , he finally saw my heart . What is really cool is this morning before our talk I was reading in good husband , great marriage . . . chapter 14 , " Be Prepared to Process . " Isn 't it just like God to give you what you need when you need it . I read that chapter to him and said we need to process the week . We are both planning on being on the call tonight . I let him finish and then asked if he wanted to hear my side of it . He thought and then said yes . After he really listened to what I was saying , he finally saw my heart . Wonderful ! What a great approach you took ! Are you on the call ? All the best ! I am the driver today ( actually I just rode this morning but will probably drive home ) . Maybe about 20 minutes before getting to his job he confessed that something he had told me last night ( an answer to a question I had just asked ) was not true . He had not wanted to get into processing it that late . He originally was going to tell me on the way home when he would be able to be with me but decided to go ahead and get it over with . He reminded me that he had told me there would be no more secrets . I said something about the " end justifying the means . " I really don 't remember what all was said . I know that as we drove farther I could feel myself melting . It was really strange . He prayed for me , for our children , and for himself . He asked God to push him into being the man that God wants him to be . He prayed for the children to be able to see the change in our marriage . Before he got out of the car , I told him that I would rather he had told me the truth last night rather than telling another lie . At lunch , I questioned if last night when telling the lie he had intentions of coming clean with it later , and he had . I don 't agree with the idea of the deliberate lie but at least it was not for cover - up purposes ; it was for delaying ( to him ) to a more opportune time . I plan to address this further on the way home . I mentioned to him yesterday that I really wish we knew how " to be married " 31 years ago . He agreed . I always knew there was a big part of marriage that we were not tapping into . I tried to tell him that we needed more . . . if all we have is sex , we 'll never survive . . . neither of us knew what it was nor where to get help to find out what was missing . Thank you Joel & Kathy for showing us how to get what we have always wanted ! Back to top Wow ! It certainly doesn 't seem like it has been about 2 months since I have been on here . We have made tremendous progress . There have been some hard times , but we have managed with God 's help to get through them victoriously . My husband has been driving himself to work for about a month now . It came about by his having to go in on a Saturday . The kids and I had something else going on and could not be the driver . I suppose I could have missed the event and driven , but our boys and I all would have not been receptive to that . So it was a time to test my faith in God to keep my husband faithful . God is AWESOME ! I had figured that we would go back to the driving arrangements on the next Monday , but he had to go in early and was working late . It was God 's time for me to let go and trust . We had agreed for the Saturday drive that he would call me from the land line work phone when he got to work . He would call from that same phone right before leaving to go home . I would give him time to get home and I would call the home phone . It was a doable plan ; I did not have to call as we got home before he did . So when he drove Monday , we just kept the call system in place . There have been very few times that he failed to call because of work demands upon getting to the plant . So when he didn 't call me ; I called him . He would apologize for failing to call . New status on this now is that in February our oldest son that is still at home had put an application in at the same company where my husband works . He went for an interview on Monday of this week and started work yesterday ( Tuesday ) . They pretty much have the same schedule although they are working in different buildings . God is good ! Other news is that one day near the end of March on my husband 's personal cell phone , which stays at home now , there was a text that turned out to be from one of his female contacts . After I found out who it was , I called him to find out " which one " this is . It happened to be one that he wanted to get a copy of The Man of Her Dreams to . So this female and I carried on a lengthy texting conversation . I got her address and mailed the book that day . I also requested that any further contact be to me on my phone . I have heard from her that she got the book the very next day and was very thankful for it . Maybe 1 - 1 / 2 weeks later shortly after midnight ( a Saturday a . m . ) , he got a text from one of his affair partners . It was a very inopportune time and put a damper on things . He had to think about a response to her and would let me see it for approval before sending it . That happened on the following Monday night . His response was awesome . He took full ownership of our marriage problems . Told her he had come clean about everything with me so I knew about her . They could not talk anymore . He gave her my phone number to text an address to so that we could send them a copy of the book that had transformed our marriage . She was not so receptive . " Pity we can 't talk anymore . Thought we were friends . Wish you the best . " That type of thing . I responded back to her and said the " pity is not that they can 't talk , but rather that her husband failed to meet her needs , and my husband failed to meet my needs . " I encouraged her that their problems were not her fault . We really did want to help her , but communication would have to go through me as we are going to protect our marriage . She has not responded . I could write more , but will suffice it to say that God gave me a vision over the weekend of a field harvested by His hand and the crop disappearing ( my husband 's sin ) . The ground was there for working up to get out the roots of the bad crop ( our problems before the adulteries ) . He showed me that the new seed had been planted and was there for my husband to water . I was waiting for the sprouting . Sunday afternoon , I felt my heart finally opening up as the seed was sprouting . I can feel again ! The " feeling " is not in full bloom yet , but it is coming ! Praise the Lord ! Well , now I am ticked . I had something I was proofing before posting , and my laptop moved and lost connection . So much for my post . So that 's how it has been going . I posted Wednesday morning about how wonderful my husband is , and Wednesday night it all starts to go to pieces . This will be a condensed version of what I had ready to go a few minutes ago . Wednesday night I found out that he had been into his email account while at work on Monday . I usually have been in it by this time and emptied the junk box but had not done so that day . There was an email from one of his affair partners . He opened it , didn 't read it , saw the pictures of craft projects she is trying to sell , and deleted it along with the rest of the junk box . He did not respond to it . Wednesday evening before I got home , he was there again and saw one he thought he recognized so he opened it . It turned out to not be from anyone he knew ( no offensive pics ) . He again deleted all in the junk box . When I got home the computer had his attention to the point of not acknowledging my coming in the room . I knew he was trying to get in contact with a legitimate person so thought nothing of his being on the computer . Upon going to bed I asked if there was anything interesting on the computer . He told me about the Wednesday email . I asked why he had opened it . . . . for curiosity ! What kind of answer is that ? ! I asked if there had been any other contact that I should know about . He told me about the Monday email ; by the time he got home , he had forgotten about it . During the ensuing conversation he questioned if I was through with him and wanted to throw him out . Where did that come from ? Thursday morning I let him know how much his opening the emails had hurt me ; it was like he kicked the bottom out of everything we have worked toward . I got into his accont and retrieved the deleted emails . No offensive pictures there . . . . she is moving and giving him her address and new phone number , and asking if he or someone he knows could help her husband in the moving process ! Go figure ! I refrained from responding to her because I did not feel like I could be Christlike at the moment . I may yet respond ; I don 't know . To his credit I did notice that her address is on the blocked list so there will not be anymore . So Thursday afternoon we met to go shopping and our son took my car to do his running and I went with my husband . The trip home was not very good . I told him I had seen the emails . He questioned why I keep going back to dig up the past ! I said he is the one that dug it up by opening the email in the first place rather than just deleting it . Or , the way we had agreed , was that he was not to be on the computer without me , and not into his email without me ! I have not been pushing that issue as I know he has legitimate contacts and reasons for being on the computer . He also asked if I had responded to her . Why does it matter ? Also , since he had not read it , I gave him more information than he knew about it . Between Wednesday and Thursday some of the responses I have gotten would include : throw the computer out the window , if it wasn 't for having a work cell phone , I would do away with all the cell phones and you would be my contact person , he is under 24 - hour surveillance with our son working with him , he should just go on disability and then he could stay home all the time and I could watch him 24 / 7 , and kick him out the door ( of the car while he is driving ) . I told him his opening the emails hurt me . He had told me he did not ever want to hurt me again . But he did . Have the last 3 months been a lie ? I wasn 't going to go through that again . If that was his plans , pack his stuff and get out " tonight . " " Do you want me to leave ? " No , what I want is for you to decide to be with me 100 % and determine to be the holy man of God you told me you were going to be . When he parked the car at home , he left me sitting in the car and took off on a walk . When he returned , there was very little communication . I 'm sure he had to see the " 20 " post - it notes I put on my bathroom mirror yesterday . I wrote my " 20 's " from God because my husband has a very difficult time getting them to me from himself . He didn 't say a thing about them . He went to bed . I finally put Livin ' It and Lovin ' It down and went to bed . I eventually broke the silence and said , " Goodnight . " He responded in like manner and added that I made him feel like garbage ( I don 't remember the word he used ) because I have already determined that he is looking for someone else and is leaving again . I said I never accused him of that and suggested that we get on the call and see what they have to say about it . He was going to sleep . I told him his opening the emails made me feel very insecure . It 's like my feelings have nothing to do with it . He questioned " age " 1 or 2 ? I said I didn 't know . I was also being " snappy " or some similar term , why ? I reminded him that I am the wife , a responder ; I respond to how my husband is treating me . He did finally say that he blew it , and he was sorry for blowing it . There was no " sorry for hurting you " or anything else , just " blowing it . " Can he really not see that opening the emails opened the door to the enemy to waltz right in ? On our way home , I had told him that it did . I guess some might say I am overreacting . I know where those emails took him and our marriage before . I will not sit back and let it happen again . Your teaching has empowered me and given me a voice to speak up when things are not right . Thank you ! This morning was a little better . He said he was sorry he didn 't pray last night . I said I was sorry about a lot of things : sorry we didn 't snuggle , sorry there was no goodnight kiss , and sorry he didn 't pray . He did pray before leaving for work , and I got several hugs and kisses , and a hope for a better weekend . I told him I feel like such a fool . Here I posted on Wednesday about my wonderful husband and now this ! He had no idea I had posted and did not respond to that information . Well , it all boils down to this . We 've come too far to turn back now . We 're still going for the gold ! We won 't give up . What I don 't like is having to raise my mother - in - law 's son ! I am determined to do all I can to make sure that our 5 sons are grown when they get married because I don 't want our future daughters - in - law to go through this . We stand a fair chance with the 4 that are still at home . When I am in conversation with our oldest who is away at college , I constantly think he has a long way to go . He now has a girlfriend so I don 't know how much time we have . Keep him in your prayers ! An awesome sidenote here is that when all 8 of our children were home ( mid - March ? ) , ( we ) my husband had a talk with them . He told them that he had not been the husband and father that he should have been . He hoped that they have seen a change and will continue to see even greater change as time goes on . I added that one last reading assignment ( homeschoolers ) that we will have for them before they leave our home to begin their lives with spouses is The Man of Her Dreams / The Woman of His . I think it would be great if we could take ( yes , go along with ) them to a marriage intensive before they get married . Well , nothing like that on the horizon ( oldest son closest prospect and they just started dating , but you never know ) . I figure that will make nine intensives for us by the time we are through ! If at all possible , we will be on the call Saturday . Evenings around here are very short , and weekends are very busy ! So much for condensed ! This is longer . Well , last night was some better . Throughout the process of all this I get these times where it seems I " hide out " in our bedroom . I 've actually done that a great deal especially at the beginning . I guess it is my " safe place . " Last night was one of my " hide out " times . I went on to bed while he was watching a movie with the kids . He commented this morning how it seems the tables had turned . He used to be the one that would hide out in bed while I was with the kids . I actually had the same thought last night . I just couldn 't bring myself to join their movie . This morning I was up early and read through my " God journal " for April . It seemed to be what I needed as my spirits lifted . Afterwards , we were able to talk things out so things are going fairly smoothly today . When will his past quit tormenting me ? The " pain " of it actually left coming back from our intensive . Praise God ! Now it is a " sadness " that overwhelms me at times . I guess I would describe it as sad about what we had being so damaged , and we can never go back to it . How do we build that new life without the haunting past ? I had been doing fairly well until he opened the emails , and it all came back full force . This morning he did give an acceptable apology for it all , and a promise of his undying committment to me and our marriage . He assured me that he has not even thought about going back to the old life . He is through with it . My constant prayer is that God will use us to minister to other hurting couples and guide them through the path away from destruction . I know we 've got to get through that path ourselves before we can do that . There has to be some good that comes out of all of this . We did make it on the Saturday night call as listeners . We had our issues resolved and didn 't need any personal help at the moment . I was so blessed by being on the call . Steve and Julie were great . Listening to one couple 's call helped me so much it amazes me . I really had had the idea that if I didn 't have anything to say that maybe it wasn 't that necessary for me to be on . I have a totally different perspective now . I felt this particular wife 's heart so intensely it was strange . I went through such emotions as wanting to reach through the phone to grab the husband and tell him to listen to his wife 's heart , wanting to hang up because it was too much for me to handle , wanting to break the phone , and wanting to pound my fist into my own husband 's leg as he was sitting next to me . I did manage to just pound my fist into the air . Although the specifics of our two situations are different , there are enough similarities in them and our husbands ' attitudes that it put me right in the middle of it all over again . I could see so much of my " old husband " in their situation . It let me see how far we have actually come . It also let me see what had happened with us during the week . During the call , my husband had to step out to check something . After the call , I was filling him in on what he had missed . . . the very part that gave me insight into our week . Well , all my guys are off on a campout this weekend . I am dealing with that okay although I do have in the back of my mind that this is the same place they camped out last September when I was told that there was no contact with " her " and it was a big lie . Phone records will show differently . Now with his using his work phone , I can 't even check that . I have to take his word for it whether I want to or not . Well , I choose to want to . We were talking last night on the phone , and I mentioned last September after he had made a comment . He thought we needed a change of topic . I told him what I needed was for him to assure me there were no other calls taking place . He did . So here is what he is dealing with . Last Saturday , one of our sons was displaying a very bad attitude . My husband told me that he could see himself in the behavior , and it wasn 't pretty . He also admitted that he set the bad example for our son ( s ) . Thursday night it showed itself again . This happens to be the son that is now working with him , so he was able to talk with him on the way to work Friday even though he was " sleeping " or pretending to be . What age is this 21 - year old ? My husband told him that he had finally had to face the fact that he was behaving like a 2 - year old and start growing up . He said that he was behaving just the same and that he needed to grow up . It is so awesome to see him taking responsibility for his behavior and pointing out the similar wrong behavior in the children and challenging them to grow up too . Our middle daughter and I talk a fair amount about behaviors ( oldest daughter still living at home ) . She has such an understanding of all this it amazes me . She is majoring in social work and has recently written a paper on how male behavior is hurting society . What we came back from the intensive with fit right in with her research . She got a 198 out of 200 on the paper ! The other night our youngest daughter ( soon to be 10 ) made the comment that it is " women 's work to do the cleaning . " I let her know that those words were to never cross her lips again . I really don 't know where she got that from as all the guys have to pitch in around the house ( my husband is finally starting to do so ) . She actually was wanting to clean the windshield while my son was pumping gas . So it is just as much a training process to teach the girls what is right and acceptable behavior to allow as it is to teach the boys what is right and acceptable to do ! It sounds like you 're doing great ! To answer your question a couple posts back , yes , you will get to the point where your husband 's past behavior no longer affects you . You 're just not there yet . It 's a process . Every time you bring it up and your husband handles it correctly - listens without getting defensive and apologizes - you move a little closer to that goal . The key is that you get to bring it up as much as you need to , and YOU decide when you 're healed , not your husband . If you 're OK with him using a phone you can 't check , that 's fine . However , he should be willing to switch to something you can check at any time , for any reason or no reason at all . He lost any right to privacy when he decided to have an affair . Early Monday morning after getting our son off to work ( husband not going that day due to jury duty ) I decided to check through his work cell phone . I came across a text that sounded off to me . There was a reply to it as well as a phone call later the same day . When it was time for my husband to get up , I questioned him about it . I felt really bad . It was a legitimate text that he had sent to a co - worker who had taken time off when his wife was in her last days of her battle with cancer . I felt like a jerk . What was I supposed to think upon reading , " Just thinking about you . How 's it going ? " It actually took him a bit to come up with who it was to . I immediately said I was sorry . He was so good . He said he didn 't mind my looking through his phone . I can look through it any time . . . just ask him about things before getting upset . Well , I thought I was asking before getting upset , but I guess it showed in my face . Actually , the way he leaves his phone available for me to pick up is so different from his always guarding his phone in the past . So his phone is there to look through , I just can 't check a phone bill on his work cell phone . I also know that one can easily delete a call from a call log so it doesn 't show up in the phone anymore . I don 't like my suspiciousness . He has not given me any cause to think that he has reverted back to the old man 's illicit behavior . Monday night he was reading in Discovering the Mind of a Woman ( Ken Nair ) and out of the blue he apologized to me for being a bad husband . I questioned what he meant ( was there something new I didn 't know about ? ) . Just for what he has put me through and what I go through each day because of what he has done . That is not something the old man would have done . Last night he was displaying selfish , childish behavior . I finally asked him what was up , and he recounted all the things he had done since getting off work . One of those things was to go about 6 blocks out of his way to meet me because I wanted a kiss . I was dropping our daughter off at violin lessonBack to top I don 't know what to think about last night . My husband worked late calling at about 6 : 30 when he should be home to let me know that they had just left . OK He knew that we had planned on going to the fireworks … he was tired and didn 't want to go ; he just wanted to go home and go to bed . I said he needed to be home in time to draw a map for me because I did not know how to get there . It was out in the country in an area I am not familiar with . He had tried to verbally tell me that he thought it was a couple of roads after a particular business that he has been to many times . Well , I don 't know where that is . We had already eaten , made two batches of peach jam , and I was sitting at the table when they ( husband and son ) got home . He dragged in with his worn down look , sat down , and blew me a kiss . I blew one back . He reached over to take my hand and pull me to him for a real kiss . While he ate , our daughter dished up dessert for all of us and asked him three times if he was going to the fireworks before ever getting a response . The response was that he didn 't want to . I said that was fine , maybe I should just go to Pennsylvania with Pam , and we will leave the boys at home . ( He knew exactly what I was referring to as this involved an incident , which came up on Sunday afternoon concerning his brother and sister - in - law . He told his brother he needed to pack his bags and go with his wife to support her in going to a relative 's funeral . He didn 't want to go on the 12 - hour trip with his in - laws . As far as I know , he did not go . ) I went upstairs to get ready to go . He came up ; brief conversation was shared about his giving everything to work to where there is nothing left for us … just like it has been for the last how ever many years . I asked if he was going to the fireworks ; his response , " I don 't see that I have a choice . " Getting in the van , our daughter asked , " So you are going ? " He responded with something like " under protest " or " not willingly . " As we were pulling out he asked if he should have waited until Thursday to order parts for work and not had them until Friday rather than staying over . I suggested he call Joel and ask him . He sat in the van the whole time while the rest of us got out and sat beside the van to watch the fireworks . He badmouthed on the way home , " If I had my sneakers on , I would say to just let me out and I would walk home . " This because we HAD to make a right turn instead of the left turn that I had signaled I wanted to make . Upon getting home before 10 : 30pm the first communication we had was this text sent at 12 : 19am : Just how am I supposed to accomplish anything it is my fault that nothing is fixed and I guess I am still a workaholic since I get put in important positions . Now , we were both in bed when he sent this ; I am trying to sleep ( which was difficult due to the hostility ) and barely heard the phone beep that there was a text . I started to not look at it because I knew it was from him … why can 't he talk to me ? Well , I did look at it and I responded in text with " Idk " and that was the end of it . After awhile I realized he was on the phone … going through pictures . I broke the silence and asked what he was doing . The answer was that he was going through deleting pictures he doesn 't need anymore , he deleted two of me . That was that . End of conversation . I am left wondering if he had hidden pictures in there of his whores and was looking at them . I really don 't think so but don 't know so . Sometime later he said he was angry because he was yelled at because he worked over , and I demanded that he go to the fireworks , which he did not want to go to . I did not respond because as I see it he was making a pronouncement and not asking for a conversation . For the record , I did not yell at him , and I did not demand he go . On our way home from the fireworks ( my driving both ways ) , I got on the group call . I thought the callers ' issues very similar and wished my husband was also on the call . I did not have it on speakerphone as we had a vanload of children with us . As soon as I got to our room I did put it on speakerphone , he just got ready for bed and went to bed leaving me sitting up listening alone . He got up and went out on the deck for awhile and then came back to bed ; apparently he could not sleep because I was on the call ( so I found out this morning ) . After he sent the text , I almost called back in to see if the call was still going but figured he would not be receptive to talking . Now it is a couple of hours later , and we have talked some . He apologized with one of the " I 'm sorry , but … " apologies . I told him he needed to learn how to make an apology because that just put the blame back on me . I also told him I had thought about calling back in , and he confirmed that he " would have been belligerent . " I told him his behavior made me feel very insecure . My problem was not that he had worked over . My problem was that he didn 't let me know until he should have been home . My problem was that work got everything of him with nothing left for us . My problem is that he was angry with me because of my response to him . I pointed out that he is not to be the responder ; I want a husband , not a wife ! Just an update to my last post . Our 30 - 31 hour battle with the enemy for our marriage ended about 2am yesterday . I will say it was very ugly . I had the strong feeling of fighting against the resurrection of my old husband . . . not the adultery issues but the attitude . To be honest , I feel that there was even more hostility in his attitude than there had been before we began our journey for the gold . Maybe it seemed worse because it has been so good lately and that was all ripped away from me . I don 't know . He had asked me at least three times what I wanted from him . Each time my answer was for him to love me like Jesus does . When he finally reached out to in that love , the attack broke . In that instance , God revealed to me how his wanting to back out of going with us to the fireworks . . . because of work , was a flashback to his past rejection of me and the lies about working that went along with that rejection . As I started to explain that to him , he started to give " excuses " for working over . I told him he needed to stop that and listen to my heart . He finally did ! Praise God ! This event really took me by surprise . We had been doing what I thought was really well . We definitely have not arrived but were heading in the right direction . This just took us back to square one . We have had other issues arise but have been able to deal with them in a reasonable time frame . He had pointed out that we are only 5 months into the process . He actually was offering that as an excuse for his behavior as though I was expecting too much . I don 't agree with that . This was not just a bump in the road . It was turning off the road . Well , praise the Lord , we are back on the right road . I won 't say we are all the way back to the point we were , but we are close to it . He has not offered an apology for any of it . Throughtout the entire time , I felt hatred from him , not love . That feeling was too much of a reminder of the old man . I really don 't think it necessary to go into detail of the things that transpired , but will suffice it to say that it was the worst we have had since our intensive in February . I must end this post on a good note so , as I said , praise the Lord , we are back on the right road ! I told him he needed to stop that and listen to my heart . He finally did ! Praise God ! You 're a wonderful help meet ! Great job of keeping your eyes on the prize . I think it 's so easy to get pulled into the excuses especially when it comes to " working really hard . " It 's easy to get pulled away from the real issues , but you managed it perfectly . |
Dec29 I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season . My Christmas was great but didn 't include any wild sex stories . I did see my fuck buddy before he left to go back home , to Georgia … for good . I 'm a little bit sad . We 've been having sex about once a month for nearly two years now . I knew he was trying to sell his house , after getting out of the military , but last we 'd discussed it , he was still looking to stay in this area . It came as a surprise to hear he is leaving . He may come back to visit friends , and at least one relative here . He still has to get some stuff out of storage , so it 's possible I could see him again , but for the most part , this is the end . I 'm glad we didn 't really get emotionally attached . Still , I am going to miss the reliable sex … and that huge , thick cock ! ! OMG ! I bet it 'll be a looong time before I come across another one like that , if ever ! Our last meeting was pretty hot . He was staying temporarily in a hotel and we had a couple rounds of fun , followed each time by me swallowing his cum . My little parting gift . 😉 He was off the day after Christmas , but we plan to keep in touch . He said he thinks I would really like Atlanta , lots of " successful black men " ( damn , am I that transparent ? haha ) . Who knows , maybe someday … . Plus after seeing a pic of him and his brothers down there , I am thinking a gangbang doesn 't sound so bad after all . Heh … . Now who am I going to replace him with ? I 've still got Mr . Firm , and the Host , and I guess this Bodybuilder guy , but they all live far away . My fuck buddy was only an hour and a half . It 's got me thinking … and today I even did a little browsing on Craigslist . I didn 't have any luck on Craigslist today , but I did find something that has me cracking up and gloating like crazy ! ! Remember the Producer ? He contacted me a few days before Christmas to say he hoped I was doing alright , and then again to wish me and the kids a Happy Holiday . Then today , I get on CL and found his old ad ! ! ! Only he had changed it up just a little bit , to add in that he is " attached " . Hahahahaha … . he 's already looking to cheat on that woman he pretty much dumped me for ! I love it ! She was a condescending little bitch towards me . Revenge is sweet . What kills me is he made some comment in the ad , alluding to the fact that he is not getting as much sex as he would like . Yeah , well , whose fault is that ? ? Bam ! Got them both , and in less than 3 months time . Somehow I doubt that relationship is going to last forever . " We are soul mates " . Give me a fucking break ! Supposedly she was cool with non - monogamy , but clearly that isn 't working out for them the way he thought , or he wouldn 't be sneaking around behind her back . It 's obvious , from the wording of the ad , that he is . I wouldn 't be half surprised if he tries to get back with me either , at this point . I guess we will find out . Damn though , right after Christmas ? And right after they went on a cruise together for their birthdays ( or were supposed to , I am assuming they did ) . Times must be hard . Not only did HE contact me recently , but the guy I had the affair with ! Remember him ? The one who stood me up for a concert and never bothered to explain why ? He hit me up on Facebook email ( we aren 't friends on there ) to say " I miss you " . I got Mr . Firm 's advice before saying anything and finally went with " fuck off " . LOL I was worried about upsetting him but Mr . Firm said I shouldn 't be with the way he disrespected me . He didn 't comment back and it actually kind of felt good to stand up for myself like that . On my own I tend to be way too forgiving . I 've STILL been having to ignore Mr . Motorcycle . He left a box of gifts on my doorstep and tried texting several times to see if I got them . I feel so mean ignoring him but I know if I give him even a little acknowledgement he will try and find a way to get back in . As Mr . Firm pointed out , his using my kids and getting gifts for them to get to me , really is manipulative , and not a cool thing to do . Especially after I TOLD him , flat out , repeatedly , that I didn 't want him to buy them anything . The gifts he gave were nothing expensive and I went ahead and let the kids open them as extras . One was a board game that was missing pieces and looked like it had been used . He gave me a bottle of wine and some sort of homemade soap . The TV he gave us ? That short circuited and almost electrocuted my teenager . He and a friend got the bright idea to smash it up after that , and take the copper out of the back . It could have been dangerous but thankfully they didn 't grind up the glass and get lead poisoning or something . I had to pay $ 60 to have it carted off as hazardous waste . Gee , thanks for the " gift " . The Referee has tried calling and texting me too , begging me to pick up the phone . I ignored that as well . I didn 't hear from him on Christmas though so maybe he 's getting the drift that I am serious . No way Jose , will I ever get with him again . Mr . Host has been cool though and says he bought me a gift , because he can 't stop thinking about me . Nice ! I am looking forward to seeing him again . The sex was just awesome ! He invited me to another party and I was a little disappointed in the guest list . Mainly that he didn 't invite Mr . Firm . Whhhyyy ? ? ? I hope he still ads him on . I don 't think he would have been able to come anyhow , but it 's the principle of it all . I hope it 's just that he is varying what single males come to each party or something . It would really upset me if he was leaving him out due to ME or doesn 't like him . See , I 'm a little afraid that he is going to be like all these other guys I have come across and start acting possessive . Or that he might see Mr . Firm as a threat because my excitement about him being invited the first time was probably pretty obvious . Plus , he may have seen us kissing a few times at the party and I doubt you could miss the passion there . I really hope that isn 't it . Mr . Firm is cool as hell , has had nothing negative to say about Mr . Host so far , and I know he was excited about having been invited to that last party . He also took the time and trouble to validate Mr . Host and say nice things . I wouldn 't want him to be left out on account of me and I 'd really like him to be at some future parties if I am going to be there . I 'm a little afraid to bring it up to Mr . Host though . Like , if I make too big a deal of it he may just decide never to invite him again . Ugh . Looking over the guest list , there seem to be less single guys , so maybe it is just something to do with that . The whole thing has my brain spinning . I usually tell Mr . Firm about parties and had mentioned the date of the upcoming one , so I 'd feel weird never mentioning it , like I was keeping something from him . I 'd feel like a jerk though , talking about it when he wasn 't invited . Grrrr … I haven 't heard from the Professor . 😦 We talked a little bit on his birthday earlier in the month and he was kind of weird . He made comments about how he missed me and that he wasn 't getting any sex for his B ' day , but didn 't want me to come over ( " to say hi " , I didn 't flat out offer him sex ) . I told him I 'm not at the point anymore where I think the relationship thing would even be an issue , basically hinting at just some NSA sex , but he said it was HIM that had the problem handling it and not me . Okay , whatever . Anyhow , wish me luck on replenishing the ranks . I 've got some possible upcoming changes in my life as well . I 'm seriously considering a move to the big city myself . There aren 't a lot of things holding me back at this point and 2014 may be just the time to get up on it . Dec20 Okay , so when I left you , I was stuck at my grandma 's house , with a broken down vehicle . Don 't worry though , I still managed to squeeze in some more sexual escapades . 😉 Bet you 'd like to know how . While I was having all these issues and trying to figure out what to do , I was getting texts from a guy I had met at the last swinger party . He 's a 24 year old , very nice looking , biracial , bodybuilder . He just got out of the military and is currently working as a bouncer at a nightclub , as well as working on his bodyguard license . At the party , he 'd had trouble getting it up , due to it being his first swinging experience , and he REALLY wanted to prove to me that he 's not always that way , lol . It was actually kind of annoying because I was trying to get stuff done and when family heard I was in town , of course , they wanted to see me . I have siblings there and they were like , what are you doing sneaking into town without telling anyone ? ? Thankfully , my family is not very nosy . They didn 't press much as to what I was doing . I just said I was at a party in the city . God , sometimes I really get homesick . I 've been thinking for a long time I would like to move back up that way . Maybe I 'll be able to make it happen here eventually , it would be nice to be close to people that could help me in times of need . I really don 't have anyone here , now that I am divorced . My grandmother still lives in the same place she did when I was coming up . It 's a mostly black neighborhood and the community is so different from where I am now . Some people might consider it a " bad " area , but to me it never really felt that way . Even though the people are poor , there was always someone there to help you out if you needed it . My memories are full of summer parties in the street outside her house . Parents , grandparents , teenagers and young ones all running around , dancing and drinking . BBQ 's , people sitting out on their porches and always available to talk . Being one of the only white kids in the neighborhood , strangely , I never really felt out of place . Even now , I love that the neighbors look out for and help my grandma . You don 't see a whole lot of that here . I spent much of the afternoon with my sister 's friend 's dad , a dark skinned , black man in his mid 60 's with BLUE eyes . I was like where 'd you get those eyes and he said his great grandfather was Irish and Indian ( Native ) . He said my baby sister is like a daughter to him and that I drive just like she does , hotrodding it , lol . He was getting onto me and later I was getting onto him because he told me he refuses to get a vasectomy because of his age but that he also doesn 't wear condoms when he is playing around . No idea how we got to talking about that ! lol At the store , when we were buying transmission fluid , we ran into one of his cronies , an older white guy , who thought I was his girlfriend . He was like , NO , she 's like my daughter ! Haha Anyhow , my vehicle is shot , but by the time we 'd taken care of that and I 'd run over to one of my sisters houses for a bit , and showered , it was getting really late . Mr . Bodybuilder wanted to come to town and hang out anyway . He said we could go for a movie or out to eat . I 'm thinking it might even be too late for that ( it was nearly 10 pm ) . Meanwhile , I had realized that I left one of my favorite bras at Mr . Host 's house . Dammit ! He wasn 't bothered though . He said if you come and get it you can stay the night . Hmmm … that would also put me near Mr . Bodybuilder . I talked to my grandma a bit and it was decided I would take her car to drive back home . She was cool with me heading back out to stay in the city that night . I warned Mr . Host I might be pretty late but he said that was cool , as long as I was staying over . Mr . Bodybuilder and I decided to go out to eat . We talked and hung out for awhile and then he said maybe he could get a hotel . I was thinking , there is no way I want him to spend $ $ on that , when I will have to jet fairly quickly , in order to get over to Mr . Host 's , but I didn 't tell him why . I just said I would have to leave before too long and maybe that wasn 't a good idea . He is currently staying with his sister , on her couch , lol , as he JUST got out of the military and hasn 't had a chance to get settled with his own place . He says he doesn 't want to waste his money on a crappy home when he can earn a little more and get something better . We decided we would just go over there , but I 'd have to be really quiet because she and her boyfriend ( and toddler ) would be asleep . Oh man , this felt like high school all over again , haha , sneaking in someone 's place , but … okay . We slipped in the front door quietly and onto the screened in back porch . It was cold . I 'm thinking seriously ? What am I just going to bend over ? No , he had another plan . He wanted me to sit on this tiny little nightstand . It looked like it could easily tip over , but I did . I sat there and he had me pull down my pants . They are like legging style and I was wearing knee length leather boots . Not conducive to this AT ALL , lol . I had to put my legs over his head . He went down on me for a little bit and then put in his very hard dick . We fucked with me on the table with my legs around him , to where he was kind of trapped . We kept hearing noises and he told me to keep an eye out for shadows on the wall in the kitchen . Suddenly , someone turned on a light . We jumped and I almost fell over , lol . Had to get my legs up over his head and hobble around the corner to pull on my clothes . We were trying not to knock into stuff . Whoever it was , wasn 't there long . The light went back out . By then we decided we 'd better head outside . We snuck through the backyard and the high heel of my boot caught in a hole in the ground in the dark . I fell and banged up my knee pretty badly on some cement . He kept apologizing and we went to sit in his car . It was getting really late and I was afraid if I took too long Mr . Host would fall asleep , leaving me nowhere to stay for the night . Mr . Bodybuilder kept pushing to continue our fun and saying we could go at it in the backseat of his car . I opted out , citing my knee and it being really late . He reluctantly said okay but that he thought I was really hot , that this was exciting and he wants to see me again . He said normally he doesn 't even like women with kids but thought I was in great shape . Alright , alright , that was nice but I had to go . I took off and headed to Mr . Host 's . He had been lying down for a bit but managed to get up and answer the door , despite it being 2 am . Oh , WOW , am I glad I went back over there ! ! We got in bed and proceeded to have some seriously hot sex , over and over , like ALL night long . He came in me about 5 times before having to get up for work in the morning . I actually made him like 45 minutes late but he said that 's okay because he 's the boss . I was really surprised at how good the sex was with him ! ! I wasn 't expecting that at all . It was like fireworks ! ! I don 't know if it was just because I was sooo horny or what ! ! I WAS ovulating , according to my little calendar on my phone , where I keep track of my menstrual cycle . He was very dominant and got pretty rough . He was pulling my hair , choking me , biting my neck , smacking my ass , you name it ! This is the same guy , who at dinner with that one woman had agreed with her that he could never choke someone in bed ! His hand was probably on my neck like half the time we were fucking ! ! He must have really took what I said about kind of liking it to heart . Wow , in the morning he even got out this wedge shaped pillow and had me bend over it to where he could really penetrate deep . It felt good and the whole thing was really damn hot ! He has been texting me for the past couple days going on about how freaking good it was ! It almost took my mind off Mr . Firm , but not quite , he 's still hot as hell . Mr . Host is now saying he 'd like to take me to a bed and breakfast sometime , where we can fuck all day and all night and do nothing else . Sounds like fun . I 'll have to keep you all updated . Dec19 Okay so where did we leave off ? I was having the threesome with the two security guys and they left the room . Then in walks their cousin , Mr . Host . He came to chat for just a minute and to let me know he had made sure to keep me well taken care of with security guys looking after me . Why … yes … So he was happy to see I was feeling a little better and started to pull out his cock for a blow job but then thought better of it . He said he wanted to wait until I was back up to par , kissed me and left the room . Fine then . A couple minutes later the older man returned . He got me to get up out of bed and follow him into another room where he said there was some fun going on . Inside were about 4 people having , or close to having , sex . One was his wife , then another couple whose wife was in the middle of being done doggystyle by Mr . Host . His wife asked him if he wanted this other guy fucking her before allowing him to . I didn 't see quite what went on between them but I think he got up and left and went back over to help with HIS wife and Mr . Host . The older man lead me over to his wife who was now unattended and guided me to her pussy . She is 27 and he is 30 years older , Mr . Firm and I had been discussing that while I was getting dressed in his hotel room . Anyhow , I went to work and the older man was rubbing on and playing with me at the same time . Eventually he left , and the people next to us on the bed left and it was only me and her . She asked if I wanted a turn and I lay on the bed while she licked and fingered me . Meanwhile people were walking by and eventually the guy who had been close to fucking her came back . He got on me and started rubbing , but not entering me , while telling me how fucking gorgeous he thinks I am . She left and her husband came back by . I gave him a 30 second blowjob before he came all over my face . He walked out of the room and the other guy was like WTF and followed me to the bathroom while I washed off . Then he followed me back into the master bedroom . He was on top of me and wanting to fuck , but asking me if it was okay . I found that kind of annoying and a turnoff . He was like " are you sure it 's okay ? " " can I touch you ? " " you are so beautiful " . He had a nice looking , thick hard cock but he also wanted to go in without a condom . I didn 't want him to and he said without it he cant stay hard . He kept grinding on top of me . This was the only white guy all night , by the way , lol . I ended up giving him a bit of a blowjob but didn 't finish him off . Okay , so now its getting really late and everyone is ready to go to bed . Suprisingly , the older guy and his wife had decided to sleep in the bed with Mr . Host and I . When he ( the older man ) came up behind me and started spooning me , I thought he was joking . I made a comment to that effect , and his wife , who had just walked in , seemed a little peeved . I didn 't mean to be rude or anything , just wasn 't expecting to share a bed with three people ! Anyhow , she climbed in on the other side of me and Mr . Host was next to her . Her husband was trying to get me to put my hand on her bare ass but I was honestly exhausted and wanting to sleep . Not that it was easy with three people lying next to me , plus being in between a husband and wife . I know that she has been fucking Mr . Host for awhile because he told me she gets jealous and that was kind of weird and awkward too . She and him were kissing a bit but he seemed annoyed with her laying her head on him . Finally , Mr . Host told her to let me over by him and sleep next to her own husband . She complied but her husband was reaching over her trying to touch me and I think it was getting her annoyed . Gah ! Mr . Host was stroking my hair and whispering to me that I am his angel and he wants to take care of me . I was thinking wtf , you don 't want to fuck me though ? ? After awhile the wife said her back was hurting and decided to get up and sleep in a chair . Eventually , they just left and went home . It was maybe 5 : 30 am . It was still a restless night . I am not one to cuddle people I don 't know and especially ones I haven 't had sex with . So while Mr . Host 's touches felt good , it was hard for me to sleep . Plus he kept having to jump up for things like the alarm going off when another couple walked downstairs or helping with a guy who fell asleep on the toilet . I woke up around 7 : 30 to Mr . Host poking his dick in behind me . I rolled onto my stomach and we had some actually pretty good doggystyle sex . He wasn 't wearing a condom and asked if he could come inside me . I was like NOOOOO and he asked if I am fertile . I told him yes and he said he got a vasectomy 15 years ago and has been checked many times to make sure it stuck . Okay , you can cum in me . OMG that part was hot . I am a little bit of a cum fiend … I just freaking love it and I get so excited about a guy about to cum inside me since it doesn 't happen very often . He made me cum a few times too and it was pretty darn hot . So afterwards I showered and got ready to head out . Right before I did , I texted Mr . Firm again to see what was up . He was going to check out of his hotel in 30 minutes but said I could come by and talk . We wouldn 't have time for sex but I was excited to swap stories and hear how his night had been . I kissed Mr . Host goodbye and got in my vehicle . At first it wouldn 't start . I was relieved to get it going but couldn 't figure out what was wrong . It was going slow and hard to get up to speed . I was scared it was going to die on me . Thankfully I made it the 10 minutes or so to the hotel . Got there and had a great chat with Mr . Firm and told him about my van . He said I should follow him back just in case , since my family lives 30 minutes from the city we were in , and he is another 30 minutes past that . I am SO GLAD he was there . On the busy freeway my van started having even more problems and I turned on my hazard lights , hoping I wouldn 't get hit by a semi . Mr . Firm pulled over and I followed him to a gas station . There he figured out that the transmission fluid was gone and there was smoke coming out of where you are supposed to put it in . He helped me put some transmission fluid in and it seemed to be doing better but still not up to par . We got back on the road though and I was able to make it home to my grandmother 's house . The whole time he was just awesome and patient and not upset with me for making him late to get home to his family . I 'm telling you he is a really incredible guy . Got to grandma 's and thankfully there are family and friends there to help out with things . It was Sunday but the father of one of my sister 's friends came to look over my van and said the transmission is bad . Still working on either replacing that or getting a new vehicle . In the meantime I was stuck an extra night but my grandma said I could use her car . Dec17 I had quite the fuckfest this weekend . 🙂 Unfortunately my computer is still giving me problems and so I am at the library with only time for a short write up . I 'll try to make it brief . My second house party was this weekend . I was invited by a man I will refer to as Mr . Host . He 's got an office job that he does from home as well as a job in security where he is some sort of manager . He is the one I went out on a date with , with a couple where he was here to have sex with the wife , but who had yet to try and fuck me . He had suggested I help him out with his parties by assisting in greeting people and possibly joining his couples profile ( I haven 't agreed to do that but he wanted me to think about it ) . Anyhow , he wired me some gas money to come up there and added in a little extra for food and liquor . In total , because he ended up helping me with gas on my way home , he gave me $ 100 . He had also said if I showed up early enough before the party he would take me to buy a Santa outfit to wear from Victoria 's Secret . Unfortunately ( well , it ended up being rather fortunately ) I was unable to make it by the time he suggested . Instead , I opted to meet Mr . Firm at his hotel beforehand . Whooo , am I glad I did that ! OMFG that man can fuck ! ! We actually had the hotel front desk person call and then knock on the door , due to a noise complaint , lmao . : : : : Blushing : : : but it 's his fault ; ) . God , he is soooo good , and I couldn 't say enough things about how wonderful and perfect he is , in every way . He 's like the most awesomest fwb any woman could ever hope for . Sooo glad I met him ! ! Not only is he my second favorite sex of all time , but he 's just cool as hell as a person . He gives the best advice , he 's honest and knows how to set boundaries and make me feel comfortable with things . He 's been in the lifestyle for like 9 years or more , so I 'm sure that helps . There were at least two other women ( wives ) that had contacted him prior to the party and wanted to meet ( fuck ) him . He let me know about this upfront and told me exactly how he would act towards me at the party . He said he would flirt with me and probably fuck me and dance together and that if things got uncomfortable with staying at the host house , I could come to his hotel with him . Then he also let me know that he would probably fuck these other women too and maybe have a couple back to his hotel at some point . He just wanted to be sure I knew that . I really LIKE it when a guy is honest with me like that because it helps me to be mentally prepared for what may happen and then I can handle it all . At one point I did kind of question him about how he was going to be able to handle it . I asked if all these women wanted to fuck him , if he thought he 'd really be up to the task . He was like " I 'll eat my Wheaties " which made me bust out laughing . I 'm telling you , he is really my kind of guy , and smart too ! Of course he 's taken and totally unavailable for more than a fwb thing but he doesn 't lead me on about that or anything either . I think it was a really good move to have me with him at the hotel first . He fucked the hell out of me and I would have been happy as a clam if that was all the sex I got . He later said the same thing , it would have made him happy enough too , but we both ended up having some other fun . I showered in his hotel room and then headed off to the party . He told me he 'd be fashionably late , an hour or so later , and did exactly as he promised . At the door were some security guys who turned out to be cousins of the host . They weren 't there from the swinger website and Mr . Host said they were more there to keep an eye on things than to play , but they could and might later on . I thought they were kind of hot and could tell they liked me too . Mr . Host got me set up with a wine glass ( everyone else was drinking out of plastic cups ) and my wine I had bought with the money . He told me to greet people and flirt and have fun . So , I flitted about like a little social butterfly and did just that . It was actually kind of fun not having a guy with me because I was free to talk to pretty much anyone without any worries . When Mr . Firm arrived we didn 't spend a lot of time together , but I 'd walk by him and we 'd stop and kiss for a little bit , or he 'd grab my ass and wink or something and we 'd smile at each other . I bragged on him a little bit to a couple of other women and one of them agreed . She 'd apparently fucked him before too , but I can 't even remember who it was . I know the other lady was the one who had called me a bitch and gone out with the Referee at the last party . I made up with her too . I went up to her and was nice and told her not to worry about all that stuff and that I loved her dress , was girlfriend chatty with her and hugged her and stuff . She seemed relieved . What can I say , when I get to drinking I am usually super friendly and touchy feely with people . What 's funny is that she later validated Mr . Firm and said she hopes to see him again . He said he 'd only briefly even spoken to her and I said it must have been my reference , ha ! Everyone else seemed really nice and Mr . Motorcycle never showed up . I danced on the pole in the basement for awhile , though it was thicker than a " real " pole so a little harder to do , lol . I was feeling great . Unfortunately , by around 10 pm I had drunk over a bottle and a half of 10 % alcohol wine and was not feeling so hot . I went into a back room and the security guys helped me change clothes into a bustier and garter and g - string but I suddenly felt too dizzy to get up . I ended up on the floor of the bathroom feeling sick ( though I never threw up or anything ) and they carried me to the master bed , where I passed out for like 4 hours . Mr . Firm said a lot more people came to the party and there were some threesomes and foursomes but he didn 't do that this time . He did say he played some but didn 't specify with who . He says he had fun and that he had gone back and seen me out cold once on the bed . When I woke up he was gone and when I tried to text he was already asleep . ( He said no one had come back to his hotel ) . I was still dizzy but had gotten up and walked through the house to see who was still around . There were a few couples and single women lingering , as well as the security guys , but it was 2 am . I lay down on the bed and an older man who had been checking on me from time to time came in . He saw I was feeling better and said he wanted to make me enjoy myself . He pulled aside my panties and started licking . Holy hell , he was good with his tongue ! He started fingering me and it was feeling really good but I was still dizzy . He stopped and said that was just a preview of what would come later , winked and walked out of the room . 5 seconds later , in walks two of the security dudes . They saw me lying there looking better and obviously a little bit horny . One guy said he thought I was the hottest woman there and he 'd been waiting for this all night . They had been coming in to check on me and giving me drinks of ice water and making sure I was okay from time to time because Mr . Host had asked them too . Earlier in the night these guys had joked with me that they come as a " packaged deal " . Well , yeah . They are cousins and I fucked the one and gave the other a blow job , at the same time . I was still dizzy so ended up being on my side for a bit , but the one guy I blew came all over my chest and the other one finished up in the condom he was wearing . He was like " damn that pussy is good , I 'm definitely going to come here and see you again " . Then they left . Dec10 Lately I 've been pondering some things about dominance and submission . Now , before you get too excited , realize I 've never considered myself as a part of the BDSM community . I really don 't know a whole lot about it , just read little bits here and there . I find it somewhat fascinating but at the same time scary sounding . I 'm not fond of being in pain or hurting anyone so that part doesn 't sound appealing to me . I see things like floggers , electric shockers , and nipple clamps and I 'm thinking OMG , no , not for me ! I had a chance to talk with a male friend once who had gone to his very first BDSM convention . He talked about some of the workshops and about people who wore latex masks over their heads and all kinds of things I had never heard of ( at the time ) that were happening . It was very interesting , but for me pretty much stopped there . That 's not to say I 'm not curious . I 'm curious about things like what it would be like to be tied up or blindfolded . I wonder just how much spanking I could handle ( I do like that ! ) . All in all , my thoughts about it are pretty tame , compared to what I know is out there , and I 've probably only scratched the surface as far as reading and learning about BDSM . I find the idea of power play a little more intriguing than the pain aspect . I 've experienced some of that with my lovers and it has turned me on . Some things that come more naturally , and don 't require props or safewords , have been part of my sex life on many of occasions . I 've always been really turned on by men that are very dominant in bed . Not mean though , it doesn 't excite me when someone calls me names or gets overly rough . No , I like them passionate in an almost romantic way in the bedroom . Passionate and in control , but still very affectionate and focusing on getting ME off , rather than their own selfish desires , that will get satisfied in the end anyhow . I guess that 's a pretty tall order . Maybe I am spoiled because I have found men who have been able to give me that very thing . As few and far between as they may be , I 'm becoming more adroit at identifying those that can satisfy the cravings of my mind and body . Recently , when I was having dinner with a man I have met at some swinger parties and a couple he was here visiting ; the topic of choking came up . None of them found it to be a sexual turn on . I said that I had thought I never would either , but when it actually happened during sex , it turned me on much more than expected . They looked at me like I 'd grown another head ! LOL Yet , it 's true . I had always thought I would hate being choked during sex . I was terrified of the idea . Yet the first time a man did it to me in the bedroom , I came . It was actually right before I met the married man who made me cum so many times in a row and it was mild in comparison , but it happened . It was with my FWB who does have a tendency to like a little roughness between the sheets . When I told Mr . Firm of our dinner conversation he laughed and said a lot of women say one thing but in bed like another . He was like " I could tell you liked that " . It calls to mind memories of the guy who was my very favorite sex partner as a teenager . We hated each other 's guts ! Pretty much anyway , lol . Yet , the sex was addicting . We 'd come back to fucking again and again , despite the way we treated one another outside the bedroom . I 've mentioned him a few times on my blog . The first time we had sex it was actually forced and as part of a bunch of guys pulling a train on me , one that I didn 't want to participate in . I had willingly slept with the first guy but HE was the 2nd , the one who got on top of me and wouldn 't get off or allow me to get dressed . He wouldn 't take no for an answer and slowly inched his way in , despite my protests , all while confusing me even more with the things he was whispering in my ear . Despite the fact that I was adamant about not wanting to have sex with him , he was deliberately turning me on . He knew what he was doing and I can guarantee that wasn 't the only time he 's done it . It happened again , a second time , where they pulled a train on me and he was again the person that pushed it . The first time we were in a park and the police showed up before the guys scattered and the second we were in a house and I was alone in a room on the couch with the other guy before he came in . Those were actually fairly traumatic experiences for me emotionally but like I have said before I continued to have sex with him . Outwardly , I couldn 't stand this guy . I couldn 't stand his asshole attitude ( I even call him The Asshole in one of my blog posts , My Deep , Dark Past ) . He was a real jerk and we would be at each other 's THROATS in arguments . I can remember one time , being at a party in this guy 's backyard and we got into it . We were yelling and cussing at one another over something and he suddenly picked me up off the ground and started walking . I was actually a little scared of what he was about to do . He picked me up and carried me down those basement steps , stopping to pretend he was going drop me every once in a while , causing me to scream and hang onto his neck . When we got to the bed , he threw me on it and started pulling off my clothes . I didn 't say no that time but he took exactly what he wanted and it got a little rough . He was shoving my face down on the pillow and at some point a couple guys came down and were watching . It was hot ! ! 😉 LOL There was another time we had been dropped off at this Mexican drug dealer 's house and were stuck there all night . All the bedrooms were occupied and he and I were in the living room , fighting like cats and dogs . One of the Mexican guys finally came out of his room and threw a pair of boxing gloves at us , telling us to shut up already and just duke it out . Haha . Later , some really creepy , crackhead looking motherfuckers with missing teeth came to the house and we were stuck with them too , in the living room . They were adults and we were still really kids and these guys were leering and hitting on me . I was scared , but The Asshole actually stood up for me , backed me up against the wall behind him and was cussing them out and threatening them . We ended up having sex after that , on the floor in another room and all the tension was relieved . He let me sleep up next to him , with his arm out across me to ward off the bad guys , lol . 😉 He 's really not all that bad , though he did spend some years in prison after being tried as an adult for holding up someplace with a gun , soon after . The day before that happened was the last time I ever touched him . He came up behind me , while I was standing in a front yard at this guy 's house and put me in a choke hold with a loaded gun up against my head . He said " don 't move or I 'll shoot " . I said " you wouldn 't shoot me " . He cocked the gun and pulled his arm tighter around my throat " say I won 't ! ! " I said " you 'd miss me too much " and he was like " say I won 't do it " and looked me in the eye . I said " do it then " and turned my cheek toward him . He stood there . " Come on then , do it ! I dared him . He kind of smirked and put down the gun . I could tell by the look in his eyes he could never go through with that ; ) . He 's on my Facebook now and he 's married and life has changed , but I told that story to illustrate how early on in life I was already getting off a little bit on a power exchange dynamic . It was hot ! ! He was great in bed for how young we were and despite being rather forceful would turn into an almost totally different person with the passion and affection and things he would say to me ( he loved to talk during sex ) . Nowadays I have come to realize just how much I ENJOY a man taking control in the bedroom and that feeling of helplessness . All of my favorite men have at some point called me " really submissive " . I hope , and think , that means they like it ! LOL My ex - husband sure didn 't , because he was the same way . I 've struggled a bit , with the whole being submissive thing , because I know I am and that naturally that is just me . However , so many people seem to equate it with weakness . If I 'm honest I would say that actually in a way I do too . My ex husband 's submissiveness was a total turn off to me . I didn 't want a man to act weak in the bedroom . So I wonder , if men really even like that ? I sometimes feel like I am not DOING anything and wonder why men still say I am good in bed . Do some people actually enjoy and LIKE it when someone is letting them call all the shots ? I know there are guys that do , it 's just so hard for me to picture being on the other end of that . Mr . Firm always says I fuck him just the way he " needs " . I love that he tells me that but am a little puzzled by what he actually means . I find HIM very fulfilling because he is that perfect combination of dominant and sweet and he can make me cum again and again . I 'm quite happy to be on the receiving end of all that , lol . 😉 He said recently that I am so submissive he can 't picture me being dominant , even with another woman . I had to think about that for a minute because I am pretty sure I wouldn 't want to be , but at the same time the idea of submitting to another female kind of gives me a pause . I don 't think I would want to ! Not really . I have an inkling that if a woman started trying to tell me what to do in bed it would piss me off ! I 'm happier and more comfortable with something equal . I think the reason it is different with men has something to do with just loving to see all that masculine POWER . I don 't desire that from a woman . I love when a guy can just take me and do whatever he wants , but where I trust him enough to know he also wouldn 't really hurt me . From me , I guess I 'd also say submission to someone is a gift . I don 't act like that with just anyone . I mean , I don 't boss any guy around in the bedroom , but for me to actively and willingly " submit " there has to be trust involved . Still , that is where I am at my happiest . If I can 't get to that point with a man then the sex doesn 't become truly spectacular . I 'm curious to hear from men or women who LOVE being dominant in bed . What is it that turns you on about a person submitting to you ? When I try to dig up info from that side of the spectrum , there is very little , even on the world wide web ! Lots of people can describe what they love about someone dominating them but what about in reverse ? Why do you like it ? Is there anything a " submissive " person can do to make you like it even more ? Dec8 Ooooooh baby , Between My Sheets has announced the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2013 and guess who is one of them ? ? ! ! Yours truly is number 74 ! ! I 'm once again on cloud 9 that my blog is considered to be among one of the best ! ! Thank you Rori ! 😀 I 'm so glad you enjoy what you have read here ! I 'm really liking what I see over there at Between My Sheets as well . Also , a special thank you to Z over at Pervertically Virtuous for nominating me ! If you STILL haven 't checked out her blog after my repeated recommendations , you need to ! You 'll sit there , just riveted , reading about her experiences . I 'm looking over this list and seeing some blogs I know and love among ones that I have never checked out but that sound really intriguing . I can 't wait to run over and read some of them . I 'll post the list here in case any of you are interested in doing the same . Congratulations to all of you and I 'm so happy to be in such an awesome community of sex bloggers ! It really is special to be singled out as one of the very top 100 ! Singing " It 's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year " as I sign out … . Dec2 Last night I went out to dinner with a guy I have met a few times at parties . He was visiting a couple here in town and invited me out with them . He promised no sex , which was fine , since I 'd just had some earlier in the day with my Fuck Buddy . Anyhow , I am not sure about this guy . He seems really nice but maybe not my type . He 's decent enough looking , though a little chubbier than I usually go for . He also has a " country " way about him that is typical of this region but no so much of black men , lol . It 's interesting . So he invited me out to eat and I was cool with that . He paid for me and the couple took care of their own bill . We had a couple of drinks and laughed and talked . I felt like she may have been uncomfortable with my presence in the beginning but I tried to make her feel at ease . It was a little weird coming to dinner with them knowing they had been fucking earlier in the day and he 'd just decided to bring me along . The male half of the couple was very quiet and I could barely get him to look my direction . He wasn 't particularly attractive and maybe he was just shy or felt I was out of his league . I 'm not sure , he could have just been uninterested , but then so was I . He really only spoke briefly about football to the guy I was with and at one point I saw him show him a couple pictures he had taken earlier with his cell phone of his wife sucking the guy 's dick . The wife seemed to warm up and was friendly but I 'm not sure how much of it was real and how much was that fake thing that females sometimes do . She said something about how we should get together sometime so I asked for her number and sent a text at dinner but she didn 't respond . I was unsure how he presented my visit to them , so that part was a little awkward . He invited me to come over and hang at their house and watch the football game today but I politely declined . He said it wouldn 't involve playing unless maybe he and I wanted to and I said that might be a little uncomfortable at their house . He laughed and said yeah . So I thought it was probably best to avoid going over there . It was actually the first time he has been to visit this couple and I didn 't want to rain on their parade too much . Anyhow , he is having a house party in a couple of weeks . He had mentioned it before and maybe sent me an email but it went in one ear and out the other . Maybe because I 'd gotten another email around that time inviting me to a " bareback orgy party " and that was shocking enough that I didn 't think about the rest , haha ! Who does that ? ? ? That is probably a little too risky even for me ! It involved things like naked twister and spin the bottle and " no condoms allowed " . Whew … . His party was private and he showed me the guest list on his phone . I saw that Mr . Firm was signed up and also Mr . Motorcycle and both had confirmed they are coming . I said I knew Mr . Firm and he said he had met him and he is a really cool guy . When I saw him before I had been with Mr . Motorcycle and he asked if things were okay there and I said not so much . He later asked more about that situation and promised if I come he will make sure things are secure and he doesn 't cause drama . When I told the guy I wasn 't sure if I will be able to make it or not due to gas money and stuff he said that would be no problem , he will send me money to cover that . He wasn 't the least perturbed when I told him last time it cost me $ 60 in gas to go that way either . He also said I could stay at his place . I 'm assuming I wouldn 't have to pay the cover charge either . I later texted Mr . Firm about it . He definitely plans on going . I told him Mr . Motorcycle was signed up and he knows the deal with that too . He didn 't comment on that but said " If you decide to go , I will be sure to dance with you and probably fuck , lol . But wouldn 't try to be all over you so you couldn 't meet or hook up with someone else . I would also introduce you to others I know or meet " . I said I would try and do the same . See , I told you he is awesome ! ! 🙂 So today the party host contacts me again and asks me some more questions about Mr . Motorcycle and why we are no longer talking . I explained a few things like the couple 's profile he opened without my permission and that I felt he wanted more of a relationship than I wanted to give . I said I felt kind of like I was being used as bait to get other women . I tell him all this then guess what he proposes to me ? ? He says he wants me to be his " trophy " and help him host his parties . Apparently the woman he had the couples profile with and who I have seen him with before wanted more of a relationship than he did and he just wanted the profile to have parties with . Suddenly he sees me as someone who would not be this way and thinks I would make a great partner to help him in his endeavor . I guess eventually he plans to make money off of all this and open an actual club but for now wants to party in his house . I 'm a little confused about what all this would entail but he has mainly told me that I would just smile and be friendly to people and look cute . He says he loves my smile and thinks I would attract a lot of people to his parties . Really ? After I 'd just told him I felt " used " as bait by someone ? ? Haha . I find it more amusing than offensive though . What men often don 't seem to get , and what I feel , is that women are not always jumping at the bit when guys use me to lure them in . I think some of them actually feel threatened by me . I 'm a single , unattached woman and I 'm not always feeling the love from them until I make a point of letting them know I 'm not in it for the competition aspect . The thing I 'm not sure on is if he is trying to get me to have a couples profile with him . I told him maybe we should wait until I 've at least gone to a party or two before I commit to anything like that but he still seems to be wanting something . He said he and I wouldn 't even necessarily have to play together . What ? ? Does that mean he doesn 't want to ? So odd … He is wanting to call me and talk about it in a few minutes here when I leave the library . This entry was posted on December 2 , 2013 , in expectations , Men , men 's fantasies , new experiences , new men , swinger parties , swinging , trophies and tagged bait , being used , hosting , parties , swinger parties , trophies . 7 Comments About Me Flashback : My First Swinger Party To bi or not to bi , is that the question ? On being a slut Are we done yet ? When men don 't want sex From the friend zone to the end zone ( and a little further ) Inspired by me ? ? I am so honored ! ! : D Pressure on dates . . . . ugghhh Comparing lovers Archives March 2016 |
Hello . I 'm beginning my own online journal . These thoughts shall not be made public until I 'm ready to share them . My name is Archer Hives . I 'm a 19 year old male and I come from a small town in Wisconsin , the name of the town shall remain unnamed . I spent almost my entire life in an orphanage after my parents died when I was 9 years old . I 'm a painter . I have a lot of nightmares so I usually paint what I see : monsters . A few months ago , I had gone through drug rehab , I had finally conquered my addictions . I 've now moved to Florida to start fresh . I got a job at a café just a few blocks away from where I live . It 's a small house , not too far away from the laundromat right next to the café . The outside of my house is nice but the inside is a little creepy . It almost feels lifeless and empty . Paint was peeling off the walls , there was no carpet or anything , just a concrete floor . Strangely enough , the place was creepier with the lights on rather than when they were off . It was haunting , but it felt like home . I left it as it was with the exception of the windows . The windows had no blinds , so I just covered them with a black coat of paint . I always hated the idea of someone watching . Then again , I always feel watched and that 's actually the reason I made this blog . Some strange things have been happening lately . I keep hearing these strange voices . Not sure if I 'm hearing things or not . Sometimes I get this strange feeling . My vision blurs until everything looks blue , my hands become numb and my head seriously begins to hurt . It 's not like a headache , it 's more like someone rested an iron on the back of my head and left it like that . Sometimes I see strange people doing strange things and sometimes I get an erection at the strangest of times . I 'll be making updates whenever something strange happens . I 've had problems like these before when I was a kid , but they now seem worse than before . Hello again . I 've been working at the local café , working more hours . I just want you to know that my boss scares the fuck out of me . He 's tall , skinny , dresses in all black , has long dark bushy hair , but most of all , he talks with an electrolarynx . The sound of his voice induces the strange feelings I 've been having . Thankfully , he doesn 't talk that much . No wonder I 'm the only other employee . Not too many people come to our café with the exception of the weirdos who show up late at night . I actually like those guys , they remind me of myself sometimes . I especially like this really pretty girl who shows up every night . Her name is Lola . She tends to wear a lot of dark makeup , piercings , she often dyes her hair all kinds of colors . I 've never been too interested in girls but talking to her numbs the weird feelings . Strange things happened last night . Someone broke into my house . Two men wearing Halloween masks . I passed out when I heard them smash the window in my kitchen . I remember jumping out of bed but everything went black . This morning , I woke up in the kitchen , covered in blood , not mine . I ran to the bathroom and there he was , one of the men was stark naked . His teeth and his eyes seemed to have been removed by a pair of toenail clippers . I know because the clippers were on the bathroom floor in a puddle of blood . I wasn 't able to find the eyes and teeth . I was horrified . I found the other guy laying in my bed with a hammer sticking out from his forehead . I took the bodies up into the attic and left them there . These strange feelings are building up inside of me . I can feel them . Something told me to take them up into the attic . Literally , I heard someone 's voice tell me to take the bodies up into the attic and leave them there . I 'm scared and I don 't know what to do or what happened . It 's almost time for me to go to work . Maybe that 'll get my mind off of it . Holy crap , I had completely forgotten about the bodies in the attic . I decided to take them outback and burn them . I put them in trash bags and took them out to a dumpster behind the convenience store . I don 't understand how I could have forgotten . It was like something was blocking it from my mind . Even as I took the bodies to my car , I kept forgetting what I was doing . David Billy The time is 2 : 51 AM . Something woke me up but I don 't know what . I thought someone was nudging me and whispering for me to wake up . I jumped and turned on the lights but I was alone . I 've spoken with a lot of the neighbors . They actually thought nobody lived in my house . I haven 't done much decorating to the house since I moved in . In fact , all I 've done is bring my stuff inside and paint the windows . I also noticed that I haven 't hanged any of my paintings up on the walls . I decided to hang up two of my paintings in an empty room in the house . The first one was of a humanoid goat monster silhouetted . I call it David . The other painting was of a young boy with his eyes gouged . I called it Billy . I put them on opposite walls so they would be facing each other . Facing me . I don 't know why but I decided to go for a walk . It 's really late and there aren 't many people out in this neighborhood , at least not this time of night . I saw a young girl walking down the street . That feeling was back . This time , it was much stronger than before . I felt like my legs were going to fall off . I hid in the bushes . I couldn 't control myself . She was talking on her cell phone . From what I could gather , she was a prostitute . I thought she was very attractive but I kept having thoughts of her naked dead body laying in a pool of blood . If you think that 's bad , you 're about to become even more disgusted . I got sick of listening to her talk . I looked around me to find whatever close by weapon I could find . I saw a metal pipe sticking out of a nearby garbage can . Now when I was a younger , I was real sneaky and was able to find out secrets . I snuck over to the garbage and got the pipe . I followed the girl for awhile , but listening to her whiny voice drove me nuts and I just knocked her in the head with the pipe . Thank god she wasn 't dead , just knocked out . I wanted to have fun with this bitch . I took her back to my house and tossed her body into my bathtub . I stripped her nude . My mind was racing . I spent the next hour or so waiting for her to wake the fuck up . I spent most of that time playing around with her body . Such a beautiful body had such an ugly mind . She began to open her eyes and mumble . I wasn 't sure what I was going to do to the vile waste of trash that laid before me . Shooting her would be too nice , cutting her wrists wide open would be too nice . After that small debate , I knew what I needed to do . I took my box cutter and left a huge cut on her torso from her breasts all the way down to her vagina . The blood squirting down her legs and between her breasts was the best experience I ever had in my pathetic little life , but it was ruined when she opened her mouth . She wouldn 't stop screaming ! I can 't stand that ! I was reminded of how ugly she was on the inside and I had another good idea . I stuck my hands deep into her belly and tore out whatever insides I could . I made her just as ugly on the outside as she was on the inside ! She was now dead . I now had an idea of my own . If I was going to do that waste of flesh and bones a favor , I 'll do myself a favor as well . I looked in the mirror and decided to make my outside equal to my inside . I shaved my whole head , including my eyebrows . I took some of the makeup that was in the girl 's purse and smeared two dark circles around my eyes . It was the real me . I appeared more true to my inner self than I had ever been before . Holy God ! Holy Jesus ! What the fuck is going on ? ! I did not write that last post ! So here 's what happened , I went for a walk last night , I passed out and when I woke up , my head was shaved and there was a dead naked woman in my fucking bathroom ! I don 't know what 's going on ! I swear this was a dream . I guess I 'll just take the body up into the attic . I feel like that 's the only place the bodies can ever go . I 'm not going to work today . The paintings . The paintings , David and Billy . They spoke to me . I heard one voice wake me up . It sounded like an elderly man . I went into the room that I put the paintings in . David was speaking to me . I don 't know how but the painting was speaking to me . He told me everything . Whatever it was , it said that I am a killer . It said that my entire purpose of existence is to collect souls for the devil . I didn 't know how to respond . How does one respond to a talking painting , especially one that tells you to kill people ? For awhile , I wanted to listen but then the other painting , Billy started talking . It had a child 's voice . It told me that I don 't have to be the devil 's servant and that I can break free . David kept interrupting Billy so I couldn 't understand . One thing was for sure , my paintings are alive . One seems to want me to kill and the other seems to want me to stop and to think for myself . It was all so scary and yet interesting . I didn 't want to believe that goat on the wall . I don 't even believe in that religious garbage . I know I 'm not crazy and I know the paintings actually were talking . I 'll make another update tomorrow . The paintings aren 't talking to me now . I know I heard them talking . I don 't know why they aren 't doing it now . I would occasionally hear their voices in my head but that 's about it . The weird feelings have stopped . I guess they know I understand the message . According to them , I 'm possessed or some shit like that and murder is the only way out . I 'm not getting that feeling anymore , but I feel like I 'm going to vomit . I went back to work . For some reason , my boss didn 't seem to notice what I 've done to myself . He never once questioned my shaved head or the dark makeup I 've been smearing over my eyes . He went home early and wanted me to work overtime . We only got one customer that whole time . A young man , must have been around 15 years old . Dark sweaty hair , zit ridden face , yeah he looks like every other costumer who walks in here . He ordered two waffles and an orange soda . He was very bitter and sighed a lot . When he read his bill , he said " 10 BUCKS ? ! " in the most obnoxious and idiotic way possible . I hated that damn kid and I hoped nobody would walk in during the murder . I punched him in the face and then I took a knife from the kitchen and carved his head out like a jack - o - lantern . He got blood all over my apron . I was so pissed about that and cleaning the blood off the table and the floor was miserable . My boss came back later because he left his wallet by the register . The poor idiot . Sometimes , I just want to snap his neck . Try talking now , you old sack of crap . However , I really needed this job so I didn 't kill him . He 's too powerful to kill anyway . His hideousness keeps me strong . Instead , I left work and went to the convenience store to get a soda . I 'm sorry , more than a month has gone by . For awhile , I had completely forgotten about this blog and I haven 't been able to get to my laptop . I 'm actually surprised that nobody notices the things I 've been doing . I 've killed about 5 people since my last update . I don 't want to hurt people but I can 't help myself . That goat is in control now . David tells me that I 'll be much more powerful if I continue killing people . I can 't take it anymore . I 'm sweating very hard right now . I keep looking in the mirror and I don 't see myself anymore . My hair keeps growing and I keep shaving . The dark make - up is giving my eyes the appearance of two empty sockets . I stopped buying new clothes . Now I only wear one pair of tight jeans and one black sweater with orange stripes . Despite the different , static , depressing look , it makes me feel alive and I have not painted lately . I think I just heard some noise outside . I 'll update tomorrow . Alright . So last night while I was updating this blog , someone was wandering around outside my house . That 's why my last update ended so abruptly . It was a teenage boy with blonde hair and a football jacket . He was talking to himself , swearing and kicking the dumpster outside my house . For some reason , he didn 't seem to notice me as I walked up to him . I slashed his throat with a knife . He fell to the ground and went into a seizure . I had no idea slashing someone 's throat could do that . Despite losing so much blood , he wouldn 't die . He just squirmed around on the ground . I dumped his body into the dumpster and just left him there . This afternoon I went back out to the dumpster but he wasn 't there . Was it just a dream ? After my last update , I put those two paintings in different rooms . I left David on the wall and I took Billy into the bedroom . Billy spoke to me . It … or he said that he was worried that my life was going down the wrong path . I hate David so Billy is my only comfort in this house . I was able to open myself up to him . He had no eyes but he was able to see me better than anyone else . He said that if I separated him and David , he would be able to protect me . The catch is that David would be more powerful and had the strength to harm me physically . Much to my surprise , things seem to have gotten weirder . Before I go on , I 'd like to point out that I don 't plan on calling for help anytime soon . To hell with the cops and doctors . I refuse to ever listen to a doctor ever again . I 'd rather face my own problems like a man without some overpaid idiots making my life worse . So last night , around at 11 : 30 PM , I heard a strange noise coming from the attic . I was freaked out . I ran up there with a hammer . It was dark but I needed to know if someone had broken into my house . Nobody was there , but that was my worst fear . All of the dead bodies were gone as well . I hid so many bodies up there but they were now gone . I saw a shadow move closer to the door . Out of fear that someone was messing with me , I swung around the hammer blindly , hoping to hit whoever or whatever was frightening me . I don 't remember what happened after that . All I remember after that was I getting knocked to the ground . I woke up at 3 : 44 AM . I woke up naked , sweating , my lower lip is now split , scratches on my chest . I don 't remember what happened . While at work , I was trying desperately hard to hold back the tears in my eyes . I felt so scared , I didn 't know what would happen next . David was shouting at me to kill but I refused . He threatens me every night . Around at 4 : 30 AM , Lola showed up and ordered her usual . She noticed me crying . I didn 't want her to see me like this but she asked me to sit with her and wanted to know what was wrong . I lied and said I had a cold . I can tell she knew I was lying . We sat and talked for awhile . She didn 't leave until 6 : 30 . She told me that she wanted to hang out with me sometime . I accepted . Her company has always been a delight . I 'm not the same when I 'm around her . Maybe she could … I don 't know . I was talking to Billy . Now it told me that David ate the bodies in the attic and attacked me when I went up there . He tried to kill me when I went up there and Billy saved me before he could finish me . This whole time , I thought I was possessed . Now I think I 'm just a freak . Paintings coming out of their canvases in a physical form ? That 's insane . Billy kept telling me that I 'm not insane . I told him about the conversation me and Lola had . He advised me to take her on a date and to stay on my best behavior . I 'll take his advice … at least I hope I can . I took Lola to this fancy restaurant downtown . The last time I spent this much money , I was getting my fix after rehab . Not once did I get the strange feelings . The whole night , I was just fine and so was she . After eating , I took her down to the dock two blocks away from my house . The place was so quiet and peaceful when it was dark . Every time I 'm there , I have this warm feeling that nothing can harm me . I was happy to share it with someone I cared about . We hung out for awhile and watched the sunrise . I walked her home and that was that . When I got home , the place felt different . Not different as in " haunting " but different as in nothing was there . I didn 't feel any other entities in the house . No voices in my head , no strange hallucinations , no nothing . For the first time in months , I felt alone in my own home . I seriously thought things had changed . Nope . In fact , things are worse than they have ever been . After my last update , I went to bed . When I woke up , I felt my skin burning and whips . It was like I was in hell . The house felt like it was shaking . David was threatening me both mentally and physically . He kept threatening that the devil was going to spend all eternity tearing my soul apart . I 've been having endless dreams where I 'm in the pits of hell . I 'm unharmed but everyone I 've killed is there and they 're being tortured . They 'll be tortured forever . I am possessed . I 'm not crazy . I keep killing people against my will . It 's like someone is placing the knife in my hand and holding onto my arm so it 'll swing down . It 's typing hateful things into the blog and claiming to be me . That 's why I haven 't updated lately . They haven 't been letting me . I don 't know who " they " is but they are evil . For some reason , the strange things have stopped . I feel free . That can 't be too good because that 's when the bad stuff happens . This is the calm before the storm . Hello . I 'm in control again . As long as that piece of shit stays out of my way , I can run things properly from now on . I decided it was time to pay a visit to a cemetery . It 's always very well out there . The screaming of all the eternally damned souls is just so comforting . The sound of them screaming , knowing there is no hope for them , I even masturbate to it . That 's why I 've started spending so much time out there . Nobody can hear the voices but I can . As I was about to leave , I noticed something interesting . I saw a grave . It had not been buried yet for some reason . The coffin was down in the hole . I climbed down and opened the coffin . There was a skeleton inside . I proceeded to stomp on the bones . I didn 't even care if someone saw me . I 've never had so much fun in my entire life . I know it 's a bit of an immature thing to do but I 'd been locked away in his mind for so long . I had a lot of catching up to do . The sun was going down so I left and here I am . I feel like deleting this blog but it 's so fun to write . I can 't wait till everyone knows the truth . Maybe now you humans will stop covering up the truth and fear the spirits of hell once again . All who die at my hands are damned . Archer killed his parents when he was a kid . I made him kill the ones he loved and I 'll do it again . I wonder how much Lola will enjoy the heat ? I 've been too scared of leaving the house . I quit my job and have spent most of this time locked in my house either crying or painting . Last night was my first time leaving the house in a week . I saw a dog . It didn 't have a license or anything . It looked just like the dog I had when I was a kid . I tried to stay away from the dog but it came up to me and started licking my hand . It acted as though it knew me . I pet the dog on the head and I didn 't want to hurt . I pulled a knife from my pocket and buried the blade into the dog 's neck . This is the second time I 've done this to a dog . I feel like doing the same thing to myself but I just can 't do it . I just got back from the grocery store . I try to avoid leaving the house but there was no food in the fridge and I needed to go shopping . I ran into Lola in the freezer section . She wanted to know why I quit my job . I lied and told her the boss became too frightening and she agreed . She had noticed that we don 't see each other that much anymore and when we do , we always go to her house . She wanted to know if we could spend time at my house for a change . I didn 't want to but she insisted . The spirits took control and made me tell her to bring a few friends . It wasn 't until she was gone that the spirits let go of me . I know what they 're trying to do and I don 't know how to stop it . It just keeps getting in the way . I think they planned this . I kept asking Billy questions about what I can do . He said all I could do is take control but I don 't know how . Breaking free has already become a pain in the ass . I 'm myself as I type this but I still hear the weird voices when I 'm in control . I can even hear the voices now . When I 'm asleep , I can see the ones who 've been speaking to me in my nightmares . They are horrible monsters . I see these big shadows with glowing eyes . They just smile at me as if they were proud of what I was doing . I wonder if they 'll smile about what I plan on doing . I 'm done . It 's 11 : 45 AM , I 'm covered in cuts and bruises and I 'm finished . It 's Saturday and Lola and her friends Evan and Jenna were over here . It started out nice . We talked for awhile and I showed them my paintings . Lola didn 't know I was a painter and was very happy to get a look at them . I made them dinner and we just watched TV for awhile . About four hours ago , the voices started happening . Billy called for help . I rushed to my bedroom to find him torn down . The canvas was torn apart . It drove me mad . I lost control . I grabbed my knife and hid up in the attic , waiting for Lola or one of her friends to find me . It took them awhile . I guess they didn 't know I had an attic . The attic door opened . It was Jenna . I pulled her up into the attic . I threw her to the ground and dove my knife deeply into the lower half of her jaw , making its way into the brain . If the cops read this , she 's still in the attic . She 's obviously dead . After that , I climbed down from the attic and went to the bathroom . Lola was outside . I guess she thought I went out the backdoor . Evan was in the bathroom . I opened the door . He asked where I was and said that the others were looking for me . I noticed that he hadn 't zipped his pants back up yet . Before he could , I grabbed the knife from my pocket and pulled his pants down . I was about to castrate him but he punched me in the face and ran . I wasn 't able to catch him but something else did . David , the painting of the humanoid goat monster , had escaped from his canvas and took on a physical form . He stood up to about 7 feet . He cornered Evan and tore him limb from limb . I know you might not believe this . Even I think it sounds crazy , but it 's the truth . That was when Lola walked back in . She saw Evan 's body on the floor and David . He grabbed her and lifted her up , about to do the same to her as he did to Evan . She screamed and struggled to get away . I cried and begged for him not to kill her . He held her up to me , telling me that I had one last chance to kill her . He told me to take the knife and kill her . The possession came back . I took my knife and aimed it at her throat . She begged for her life . I kept trying to break free but I couldn 't . Before I could stab her , someone else stabbed me from behind . I collapsed to the ground . David dropped Lola and she ran to the door and got away . David collapsed just as I did as if he also felt the knife go into his back . I looked behind me . It was Billy . Billy had taken on a physical form as well . In his human form , he looked like my past self , but his eyes were missing , just as they were in the painting . He stopped me from killing the only human being I really cared about . I passed out . Upon waking up , the knife wound in my back was gone and so were David and Billy . Even their torn up canvases were gone . I feel that the powers have disappeared . I guess I was finally able to break free . I was a prophet . I was born to kill others and send them to hell . They made me become a painter so that I can unleash them into the world . I was just a stepping stone for them to make their way into the real world but at the same time , it was me who created them and it was only me who could destroy them . They manipulated the world around me . I killed my family as a kid . After that , they lost control over me . I wouldn 't be surprised if they were the cause of my drug addiction , try to keep my mind busy while they took control . I guess it didn 't work . They made sure I would get a job at a café with a creepy manager who would drive me mad . Maybe that 's why things got worse when I quit . They put a wall around me so I could never be caught by the police . That might explain a lot . This will be my final update . I am Archer Hives . I killed my mother , father , sister and even my dog by butchering them up with a knife . I killed two robbers . One was torn apart and the other was hit in the head with a hammer . I killed a prostitute by cutting her open and ripping out her insides . I carved a teenage boy 's face out . I killed two more teenage boys with a pair of scissors to the eyes . I butchered alive three pot dealers who snuck into my house . I slashed some guy 's throat and left him to die in the dumpster behind my house . I sliced one man 's wrists while he was tied down and let him bleed to death . I stuck a knife in a dog 's throat and I killed a girl with a knife to the brain . These are all of my victims . They are all in hell right now and you can 't save them . I 'm sorry for all of it . I wish I could take it all back but I can 't . When I 'm done typing this , I will be joining them . I 'm really glad I bought this pistol . Once I 'm dead , people will know what I 've done and who I am . I am one 's paranoia , I am another 's joke , I am your shadow , I am Nightmare and there will be many more when I 'm gone . |
Also , I 'd planned on having this chapter up last weekend , but school was crazy last week . Pretty much all I did was go to school , come home and do homework , and then sleep . Then , my whole weekend was focused on Harry Potter ( I loved the movie ! ) , and seeing my best friend for the first time since August . So , most of this chapter was written over this week . I hope you guys enjoy it ! " This is awesome ! " Kazuna yelled in excitement . She had seen Ichiko and Ayame just a few months earlier , but none of them had seen Ai in over a year now . With so much happening in the Fire Nation , none of their families had been very willing to travel there . " Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you ! " Kazuna repeated to her parents as she got up to hug them . This was difficult since there were also seven other children trying to do the same thing . She was so excited to see Ai again . She was also looking forward to seeing Akatsuki . They 'd been writing to each other a lot over the past year , and she couldn 't wait to actually get to talk to him . Kazuna ran towards Ai as soon as she came into sight . " I 'm so glad to see you ! " she exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around her friend . Ayame soon joined in the hug , but Ichiko stayed back . After a few moments , Kazuna turned to her , " Come on , Ichiko . " She held out her arm , gesturing for Ichiko to enter the hug as well . Ichiko just shook her head with a look on her face that said , " no way . " Finally , Kazuna was able to pull her into the hug with Ai and Ayame 's help . Kazuna couldn 't wait to catch up with Ai , but as soon as Ai had begun telling them the latest about her boyfriend , whom they had yet to meet , Kazuna caught sight of Akatsuki who was currently in a conversation with her younger brother Kuuya . He didn 't seem to be paying much attention though . He was looking her way , and smiled as soon as he saw that she was looking at him . She smiled back and waved which caused Akatsuki to blush a little . Kazuna found herself blushing at Ai 's words . It wasn 't anymore than she 'd expected . After a exchanging a few letters with Akatsuki , she 'd thought that he might have a crush on her . Still , she wasn 't exactly sure how to handle it now that they would be staying in the same place . She liked him as a friend and everything , but he was only ten years old after all . Azula proudly stood as they watched the army marching past them . It had taken over a year , but the time had finally come . A month ago , Ozai had told Azula that he felt that their army was ready to fight Zuko and his army . It was taking a while to gather their army together since they were so scattered across the nation . They had gradually been gathering troops as they neared the capital . They weren 't far now , and they had a fairly substantial number of their troops with them already . It wouldn 't take long before they were noticed by one of Zuko 's men . It didn 't matter . They weren 't hiding anymore . Judging from the size and talent of their troops , Zuko would need all the extra time he could get anyway . " My Lord , " Zuko turned as he heard one of the servants address him , " General Eun Mi wishes to speak to you sir . She 's says it can 't wait . It 's something about Ozai and Azula . " General Eun Mi looked at him with a grave look on her face . " Yes , " she began , " Azula and Ozai are leading their army towards us as we speak . I already have troops surrounding the capital , and even more on their way to meet them . If everything goes well , they 'll be defeated before they even reach the city . " " All right then , " Zuko said as he started towards the door , " Continue doing your job . I 'm going to have the palace evacuated . We need to get the servants and especially the children out . Then , my friends and I will join you . " The children were told they had fifteen minutes to gather some of their things to take with them . They were being taken to a bunker underneath the palace . It was the same one Fire Lord Ozai had hidden in during the Day of Black Sun . It wasn 't the most ideal place since Ozai and Azula would know where they were , but it was going to be heavily guarded , and they didn 't think even Azula and Ozai 's strong army would be able to break in . They didn 't have any earth or metal benders like Toph . She came over slowly and left a fairly large gap in between them . " I 've been thinking , " she began and then continued slowly , " I 've been kind of stupid this past year . I didn 't want to admit my feelings for you because somehow I thought that would make me weak . Then , Ai said something to me last night that made me realize something . She told me I shouldn 't be scared of love . She said that was what caused Azula and Ozai 's downfall . They didn 't have anyone who loved them enough to help them when they needed it . They only had themselves to rely on . That made me realize that love isn 't a weakness . It makes you stronger . Afterward , I wanted to tell you the truth , but I couldn 't get the courage to . Then , we find out that Ozai and Azula are coming , and I had to tell you I really did like you before . . . " After a moment , Hajime leaned over and kissed her . He offered her a small smile once they pulled apart , and he took her hand . " Come on , " he said as he stood up and pulled her up with him , " We need to get going . " Kazuna glanced up at him as he knocked . She smiled at him , but he could still see the fear in her eyes . " Hi Akatsuki , " she greeted him , " You can come in if you want . I 'm almost ready . " He walked over to her bed as his knees shook . He couldn 't believe he was going to go through with this . He decided to get it over with quickly . " Kazuna , I have a crush on you , " he said so quickly that the words were barely distinguishable , but he knew that Kazuna had understood because she froze . Kazuna turned towards Akatsuki with a look of shock on her face . " What ? " she asked in disbelief . She 'd never thought that he 'd admit his feelings like this . What was she supposed to say ? Kazuna smiled back at him . " Come on , " she said as she stood up , " We need to hurry . We don 't want the others waiting for us . It wouldn 't be too great if Azula and Ozai came before we were in the bunker . " Author 's Note : So , next chapter will may contain some fighting not much . After that though , the remaining chapters ( not including the epilogue ) will contain fighting . It 'll be interesting to see how those chapters go since my past attempts at writing fighting / battle scenes have been pretty horrible . Author 's Note : This chapter takes place over the course of a year . At different points in the chapter you see [ number ] months later , that means that part of the chapter takes place that many months after the last chapter . Next chapter will pick up a year later , and that 's when the rest of the story ( excluding the epilogue ) will take place . Also , this chapter is extremely short . I 'm going to work hard on making the next one an actually decent length . Enjoy ! Posters began appearing all over the Fire Nation . There were all different types . Some were wanted posters for Azula and Ozai . Others warned of the recruiting that the two were doing , telling the people of the lies they were spreading in order to convince others to join them . The Fire Nation was slowly disintegrating into chaos . Even the other two nations began to fear what would happen . Zuko was doing all he could to keep the nation together , but that was becoming harder and harder . Many members of the military , people with government jobs , and even his palace staff were quitting their jobs . Some supported Azula and Ozai , and some were just scared of them and what would happen if they were associated with Zuko . The Fire Nation 's relations with the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes became worse . The Earth Kingdom especially wanted nothing to do with the Fire Nation . They feared there would be another war and even began to build up their military . They were talking about Ayame 's latest boyfriend . He 'd asked her out at lunch , and to everyone 's surprise , she 'd said yes . Ichiko didn 't even know the boy 's name , and she was pretty sure that Ayame didn 't either . None of it made sense . Why did she just randomly decide to date this boy ? Ichiko rolled her eyes , " I can 't believe you 're using that stupid jealousy thing . It never works . At least not the way you want it too . Either the guy you like isn 't brave enough or really doesn 't care . If he does get jealous , he 's still unlikely to say anything to you . " " You 're not going to get onto me for using the other guy though ? " Ayame asked . This also confirmed to Ichiko that Ayame still had no clue who this guy was since she referred to him as " the other guy . " " Of course not , " Ichiko replied , " I could care less about him . " After all , caring had never been one of Ichiko 's strong traits . " I just think this is a stupid idea . " It turned out that Ichiko had been right . Ayame had dated the guy for about a week when she finally dumped him . Ikuo , instead of admitting his feelings , had begun to outright ignore the fact that Ayame even existed . As soon as she announced the break up , things seemed to return to normal . Neither Ayame nor Ikuo had yet to admit their feelings to each other . On that note , neither had Hajime or Ichiko . " He refuses to meet with me , " Zuko told Aang . They were in the same room that meetings about the war had been held about two decades ago . Now , it was being used for somewhat similar reasons . Aang was in the Fire Nation for about a week to meet with Zuko . Zuko had asked him to come after the Earth King refused to listen to Zuko . Aang 's job had become very hard lately since the Earth Kingdom and Northern Water Tribe weren 't wanting anything to do with the Fire Nation anymore . Aang felt , that if he didn 't live in the Southern Water Tribe and have such a strong influence there , it would probably be siding with it 's sister tribe as well . " I 've already tried speaking to the Earth King , " Aang sighed , " He refuses to listen . I 'll head to the North Pole tomorrow and see what can be done . I can 't say I have much hope though . What little trust the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes had in the Fire Nation after the war has been all but broken . " Zuko nodded in agreement , " I can 't say I blame them for hating us , but their hate is blinding them to the truth . We 're not their enemy anymore . Ozai and Azula are . " Azula nodded her head in approval as she watched a group of soldiers train . The amount of training they 'd had was sparse as they had to be careful that they weren 't found . Often , small groups of them would meet in their town and practice together while Azula and Ozai traveled and made sure everything was going well . Ai smiled contently as she rested her head on her boyfriend 's shoulder . It was a week away from their one - year anniversary . She couldn 't believe how long it had been ! Even though she still felt fearful every time she thought about Azula and Ozai , this had been an amazing year . Haruki always knew how to make her feel better when she began to feel scared . She 'd been surprised when she 'd realized that she was in love with him . It was about a month earlier . He 'd been teasing her about being a princess ( one of his favorite things to do ) when it had just suddenly hit her . She hadn 't told him yet for fear that he didn 't feel the same way . " Mm hm , " she murmured in agreement , " The best . " She lifted her head from his shoulder and kissed him . This continued for a while until Haruki eventually pulled away . " I love you . " He said it quickly , and it took a moment for it to register in Ai 's mind . When it did , a huge smile spread across her face . Author 's Note : I got the chapter done in six days ! That being said , this chapter was tough to write , and it ended up being kind of short . I hope you guys enjoy it though ! Ichiko was tossing and turning in her bed for the fifth night in a row . She couldn 't get the conversation she 'd had with Hajime on the beach out of her head . Her parents were concerned that she was getting sick because she was so exhausted lately . The truth was that she just couldn 't sleep . Hajime filled her thoughts almost constantly which honestly made her nauseous . She was turning into one of those girls . She hated the girls who did nothing but obsess over their latest crush or boyfriend ( prime example : Ayame ) . She 'd promised herself , and her friends , years ago that she wouldn 't turn out like that , yet here she was unable to sleep because of Hajime . She almost hated him for it . She had no choice but to finally admit to herself that she liked him . For the first time in her life , she was interested in a boy romantically . That didn 't mean she was ready for a relationship though . There was no way she was going out with him . She may like him , but she wasn 't doing that . She was still determined to stay single . She 'd get over him eventually . " What are we going to do about this ? " Aang asked Zuko . They were just leaving an important meeting . They 'd gained information that Azula and Ozai were recruiting people for an army . The source wasn 't aware of exactly how many people they had been able to get , but they felt it was a lot . " I guess just wait , " Zuko sighed , " Capturing them now won 't do much good because there will be other people to deal with now . We 'll still search for them of course , but even if we find them , we 'll have more work cut out for us . I doubt he people they 've recruited will just stand by and do nothing . " " It couldn 't hurt , " Zuko agreed , " We know Azula and Ozai are using propaganda . I 'll see if we can get some flyers or something . We 'll have to call another meeting about it . " Ayame watched as Ichiko paced in front of her . It was a strange sight to see Ichiko so nervous since she usually tried to hide it . Ayame sat patiently . She was beginning to get a little annoyed , but she didn 't want Ichiko to snap at her for interrupting her pacing . Finally , Ichiko turned to her , " Okay , don 't laugh , " she demanded of Ayame . Once Ayame had assured her that she wouldn 't , Ichiko continued , " I already sent letters to Kazuna and Ai earlier this morning . " Ayame noticed that Ichiko 's cheeks had a pinkish hue to them . " I like Hajime . " " I know , " said Ichiko , " But I 've finally admitted it to myself . I can 't stop thinking about him , " she clenched her fists in frustration , " Gah ! It 's so frustrating . " Ayame couldn 't help but chuckle a little , and Ichiko glared at her . " Ichiko , there 's nothing wrong with that , " Ayame assured her friend as she slipped an arm around her shoulders . " Now , when are you going to tell him ? " Ayame was giving Ichiko a strange look . She didn 't seem to understand what Ichiko was saying . She probably didn 't . When Ayame liked a boy , she did everything she could to make that boy like her . Finally , Ayame seemed to recover . " Fine , " she said , " It 's your business , so I can 't make you do anything . That doesn 't mean I 'm not going to bug you about it constantly though . " Aang 's smile grew larger when the small village came into view . He and Zuko had decided that there wasn 't much more Aang could do at the moment , and Aang was finally able to come home to be with his family . He 'd sent a letter ahead , so they 'd know he was coming . He could see his whole family waiting for him just outside of the village . As soon as Aang 's feet were on the ground , he was attacked by a mob of children . He collapsed back in the snow , laughing , as his children began climbing on him . Kazuna and Kuuya even joined the fray when they reached him . Somehow , things led to a snowball fight that even Katara joined in . Of course , the water benders had a very unfair advantage . Ai sat with Haruki in front of the pond on the palace grounds . They were feeding the turtle ducks together . They 'd been spending most of their free time together since they 'd met . Ai loved spending time with him . She hadn 't had a boyfriend in a couple of years . She 'd been too busy learning from her father what she 'd need to know to rule the nation to focus on boys . Part of her felt it wasn 't a good idea to get attached to Haruki . There was too much going on at the moment , but she couldn 't help being drawn to him . None of her past crushes had been this strong . Ai wanted to say something about her feelings for him , but she was scared he wouldn 't reciprocate . Maybe he just thought of her as a friend . Her being the next in line for the throne didn 't help either . Most guys were usually intimidated by her . If her responsibilities weren 't hard enough to deal with , her father being able to lock up or banish them didn 't help either . " I see that now , " he said before slightly changing the topic , " There 's also something else I didn 't really expect . " He turned away from her and focused his eyes on the turtle ducks . " I didn 't expect I would fall for you . " Ai could tell he was blushing slightly . Author 's Note : Guess what ! This blog is now caught up with fanfiction . net . That means I won 't be posting a new chapter of this story until it 's also updated over there . I 'm working on the chapter now , and it will probably be up sometime this weekend . Also , I already said on fanfiction . net that this story has six chapters and an epilogue left . I 'm planning on having it all done in about two months . Enjoy the chapter ! It was the late afternoon when Aang saw the Fire Nation capital in the distance . Zuko hadn 't known when to expect him , so he was a little surprised to see Aang gliding through the sky as he was taking a walk . Aang was a little unnerved at how tired and aggravated Zuko seemed . In the little time it had been since they 'd seen each other , Zuko seemed to have been stretched to the limit . " I have some bad news actually , " Zuko paused for a moment . He seemed to be thinking about how to break the bad news to Aang . " Ozai broke out of jail the other night . The guard was found knocked out . He 's woken up , but he doesn 't know who attacked him . The attacker obviously made sure they wouldn 't be recognized , but we 're almost positive it was Azula . " " Not yet , " Zuko told Aang with regret in his voice . " We 're searching though . We think it 's only a matter of time before they let us know where they are . " " I 've found at least twenty people so far that want to help us , " Azula told her father as they sat in the forest under the cover of the trees . " Most of them were high ranking officers when you were Fire Lord and have since been demoted or kicked out the the military all together . They much preferred when you were in power . " " They told me they had friends that were interested as well , " Azula informed him . " They 're bringing them to meet with us . I don 't think it will be that hard to get a fairly substantial number of soldiers . There are many in the Fire Nation who want you as their leader again . I wouldn 't even put it past many of the current soldiers to turn on Zuko . It won 't be that difficult to organize a full - scale rebellion against dear , old Zuzu . " She smiled with evil glee as she spoke . Hajime rolled his eyes , " Of course you weren 't . " He continued after a moment of silence . " I don 't understand why you won 't admit that you like her . There 's nothing wrong with it . " Hajime considered Ikuo 's words for a moment . His face scrunched up in mild disgust before saying , " Ew . Okay , that is a little weird . " There was a moment of silence before Hajime realized something , " Wait ! Ichiko and I were in those baths too . . . I am officially disgusted . " Ikuo laughed at his best friend , " Sorry to bring it up . Look on the bright side , we , and they , can 't remember anything . " He suddenly got serious and said , " But that 's not the real problem . Honestly , I don 't want to tell her how I feel and have her react the same way Ichiko reacted when you admitted your feelings to her . " The two boys were oblivious to the conversation that was currently taking place between the two same girls they 'd just been discussing . Ayame and Ichiko were sitting in the backyard of Ichiko 's house . They had their backs against the stone wall of the house and were occasionally glancing at the two boys they could see under the trees in the distance . " No say in the matter ? " Ichiko asked in disbelief , " Of course you had a say in the matter ! No one 's making you like him . " Ichiko just shook her head in disbelief , " Whatever . If you want to be with my idiot of a brother than go ahead . I just hope you don 't regret it . " Ichiko looked at Ayame in shock . Ayame never got nervous around boys . She was always flirting and seemed to know exactly what to say to them . Ichiko never thought she 'd see the day where Ayame would be scared to ask a boy out . " Wow , I never thought I 'd hear you say that , " she said in surprise . " Akatsuki , " she called to him . Once she had his attention , she continued , " Two letters came for you today . They 're both from the Southern Water Tribe . " She smiled at her son when he jumped up in excitement and ran towards her . Akatsuki looked between the two letters . He couldn 't decide which to read first . He figured the one with the messier handwriting was his best friend , Kuuya , and the one with the neater handwriting was from Kazuna . He wanted to open his best friend 's first , but he couldn 't help himself when he set Kuuya 's on the desk and opened Kazuna 's first instead . He read it eagerly . She wanted him to write back ! He hadn 't actually thought she 'd write him back . He 'd figured that she 'd just consider it weird that he 'd sent her a letter and just throw it away . He wasn 't sure when exactly he 'd begun liking Kazuna . When she 'd first shown up in the Fire Nation after Azula 's escape , he hadn 't noticed anything different about his feelings for her . She was just a family friend , but by the time she returned to the Southern Water Tribe , he 'd begun to feel differently . She had always been nice to him , and he thought she was the prettiest girl he 'd ever seen . He 'd always thought that she just saw him as Ai 's little brother and didn 't really pay much attention to him . Her letter gave him a little hope . Maybe someday she 'd see him in a different way . Many of these people were soldiers who 'd lost their jobs after the war . Fire Lord Zuko had greatly downsized the military . He said it wasn 't necessary to have such a large military when there was peace . This had left many people without jobs . Many people who had once been soldiers were now homeless and living in the streets . They were undernourished but still good fighters from their years of training in what had been the largest and most powerful military in the world . Ichiko sat on the beach watching the giant koi fish in the distance . Her head rested on her knees as she got lost in her thoughts . She didn 't notice at first that Hajime had sat down beside her . He nudged her after he 'd been ignored for a few minutes . She literally jumped to her feet as soon as he touched her . He 'd probably have been attacked if she hadn 't noticed it was him so quickly . " Don 't ever sneak up on me like that ! " she yelled in rage . Her voice shook as she spoke and Hajime could tell he 'd frightened her . Truthfully , she had frightened him too . Azula had all of them more scared than any of them would admit . For a minute , Ichiko looked as if she was debating storming off and sitting back down where she 'd been before Hajime had scared her . Hajime didn 't say anything . He watched Ichiko for a moment before turning to look to where she 'd been staring before being interrupted , the giant koi . Suddenly , Hajime spoke up , " Sometimes , I wish I wasn 't human . It seems like it would be so easy being an animal . Sure , they have emotions , but they 're no where near as complicated as our emotions are . Take dogs for example , they either hate you or love you . It 's as simple as that . They don 't judge people so easily . If you 're kind to them , they 're kind to you . Dogs don 't set out to make each others lives miserable . They don 't want power . They help each other , work as a team . It 's so simple . " Ichiko just stared at Hajime . She had no idea where this was coming from . She slowly sank down in the sand behind him . After his little speech , neither one of them said anything . Hajime watched the koi , and Ichiko watched Hajime . He seemed different to her somehow , right at this moment . Finally , Ichiko broke the silence , " I understand . I was thinking about what it would be like to be a fish before you came . " She turned to look at the koi again as she spoke . " It doesn 't know who Azula is or why everyone 's so scared of her . I thought it would be great to be so carefree . Then , I realized that there 's problems with being a koi too . They have to worry about predators and always finding food sure , but the biggest problem is that they don 't love like we do . I mean , who knows if they even love at all . Dogs are loyal to their owners , more so than most humans would ever be to anybody , but is it really love ? I think that 's what 's so special about being human . We have to deal with a lot of crap , but there are so many great things that make up for that . " Ichiko had never considered herself to be good with words . She had no idea where this was coming from . It just came to her as she spoke . Ichiko looked back at Hajime . " I won 't lie . I 'm terrified of Azula . But I realized today that she can never win . She 's after power . Even if she wins and gets what she wants , we 'll still have each other . " She paused before continuing in a tight voice . " Even if someone we love dies because of her , we 'll still have won . Azula 's life will always be miserable , and although this may make me a horrible person , that makes me feel better . " Neither one said anything more after that . They watched the sunset together before walking home in silence . As they walked , Hajime wrapped his hand around Ichiko 's , and she surprised herself by not pulling hers away . Then , in front of Ichiko 's door , Hajime kissed her on the cheek , smiled , and left without saying a word . Kazuna frowned at the letter her mother handed her . She was used to getting letters . It was how she stayed in touch with Ichiko , Ai , and Ayame when they were apart , but the handwriting on this letter wasn 't any of theirs . She opened the envelope , curious to see who had written her . Before reading the letter , she glanced at the signature at the bottom . Akatsuki . Why had Ai 's nine year old brother written her ? She began to read his slightly messy handwriting . I know it may seem a little weird that I 'm writing to you . We don 't usually talk to each other when you 're not here . We don 't even talk that much when you 're here . I saw Ai writing a letter the other day and wanted to write one too . Dad has to help me since I don 't know how to spell all of the words yet . He asked me who I wanted to write to first , and I said you . I hope that 's okay . I guess I could have written to Kuuya since he 's my best friend and all , but I 'm writing to him next . I hope he gets his letter when you get yours . I 'm going to try writing to everybody ! I can 't stop thinking about Azula . Dad 's reading over my shoulder and frowning as I write . It 's true though . I 'm scared . Kazuna smiled as she read the letter . She had no idea why Akatsuki had chosen her to write to first , but she thought it was cute . Her smile faltered a little at the part about Azula though . It wasn 't right that a little nine year old was so terrified of something like this . It was even his own aunt ! When Kazuna had been nine her biggest worry had been what she was having for snack that day . Kuuya did get a letter today . I didn 't talk to him , but it was probably yours . We 'll send our replies together , so you may have even read his already . Azula 's been on my mind too . I understand why you 're scared , but I 'm sure everything will be fine . If they beat Azula once , they can do it again . Ayame stepped into the building where she practiced fighting every day . She wasn 't surprised to see Ikuo there . He liked to practice his sword fighting in here when the Kiyoshi Warriors weren 't all using this place to train . She did find it a little odd that Ikuo was just sitting on the floor with his sword on the ground beside him . He didn 't look as if he 'd done much practicing at all . Ikuo was back to his normal self in no time . As they spared , he began to taunt and tease Ayame . Normally this would have bugged her as she hated being picked on , but considering the circumstance , she decided to just put up with it and even toss a few teasing insults back . Kuuya was honestly a little frightened when he saw the tears on his mother 's face . He 'd seen her cry on a few occasions , but this seemed different somehow . Maybe it was because it was just the two of them in the room and his dad wasn 't there to comfort her like he usually was . Kuuya felt that it was his responsibility to cheer her up , and he wasn 't sure if he could do that . " Mom ? " he whispered quietly . He 'd needed to ask her something and had found her in her room . She was sitting on the bed and had no candles lit . The light from the other room was just bright enough for him to see the tears . She hadn 't noticed him come in . She shifted her gaze from the window to him . " Kuuya , " she said , " Come here . " She held her arms out , and he walked into them . He hadn 't been held in a while . He was too old for it really , but he let her just this once . She hugged him for a few minutes until the tears had stopped falling . Then , she loosened her grip on him and smiled . " Come on , " she said , " Let 's go and see what your brothers and sisters are doing . " Ai was wandering around the palace aimlessly when she came across a boy she had never seen before coming down the hallway . She could tell he was a servant , but he looked so much younger than the other servants . She must have been staring because he grinned a little before bowing and addressing her as Princess Ai . Almost everyone had bowed to her for her whole life , but it never got any less annoying to her . She didn 't ever stop them though since it was tradition . " Seventeen . My birthday was a few months ago , " he seemed curious as to why she was so interested in him . Ai knew these were rather odd questions to be asking of a servant , but she was very interested in this new boy . Zuko sighed and let himself fall back onto the bed . For the past week , night had become Zuko 's favorite part of the day . It was the only time he got to forget about Azula . Mai laid down on the bed beside him and put her head on his shoulder . They laid next to each other for a while without either of them saying a word . They both tried to empty their heads of everything that was happening . It didn 't work . Aang sat down on the steps leading into the teashop . His family had been on his mind for days . The sun was setting , and he was leaving for the Fire Nation in the morning . He sat there for a couple of hours just thinking . He wondered what Katara and their children were doing . He hoped they were safe and nothing too big was happening while he was gone . His mind couldn 't help but drift to Azula . The sooner she was taken care of , the better . Every time Azula had sneaked into the prison to see her father she 'd marveled at just how stupid the guards seemed to be . She 'd been able to sneak passed them without them ever suspecting a thing . Today , she 'd succeeded in knocking out the current guard before he even knew what was happening . She 'd made sure he hadn 't seen her either , so they 'd never have proof that it had been her , even if she was the prime suspect . Ozai smiled evilly as Azula held up the keys that she 'd stolen from the guard . Yes , this had been too easy really . She hadn 't gotten to seriously hurt anyone , and breaking someone out of a prison cell with just the keys was a little boring . Even her pathetic uncle had smashed his way out of a cell . Unfortunately , they needed to escape unnoticed , so they needed to stay as quiet as possible . Author 's Note : Sorry there was no chapter yesterday . I was really busy with this video I had to upload to Youtube . If you follow me on Twitter , then you probably know what I 'm talking about . Anyway , there 's another chapter coming up after this ! No one said a word . They just looked around the room waiting for someone else to volunteer . Zuko sighed . The stress was really beginning to get to him . Mai , who was sitting at his side , rested her hand on his in an effort to calm him . " Sir , " spoke up another general , " I know it sounds bad , but it 's the truth . Azula clearly knows what she 's doing . She knows all of the Fire Nation 's weaknesses . " Zuko 's expression turned into one of confusion . " What about my fath - " He stopped , suddenly realizing what Mai meant . He turned back toward the assembled officers who were looking at him and Mai with interest , " Place extra guards around my father 's cell . I think Mai might have figured out one place Azula 's been visiting . " Ozai looked up from the floor when he heard foot steps coming toward his cell . It wasn 't the normal time for the guards to come by which meant it had to be someone else . He had a pretty good idea who . A cruel smile made its way across his face as she entered , " Azula , good to see you again . " He saw his smile mirrored on her face . " You too , father . I 'm sorry I haven 't been able to visit the past few days . I 've been getting everything ready for our plan . " " Of course you have , " Ozai said , " I 'm sure everything will go perfectly . It 's only a matter of time before I 'm out of this rotten place . How is everything going ? " " The Avatar left yesterday and his family and many of his friends went with them , " as Azula spoke Ozai nodded his head in pleasure , " I think the Avatar is heading to the Earth Kingdom . From what I 've been able to gather , the Earth King isn 't happy with Zuko or the Fire Nation right now . Not that they have been for over a hundred years . " " I can 't believe that even the Southern Water Tribe has heard about Azula escaping , " Kuuya muttered as he walked to school with three of his sisters . They had returned to the village on Saturday and it was their first day back at school . School had begun while they were in the Fire Nation . They hadn 't even been to the Southern Water Tribe in about a month because they 'd been staying the the Southern Air Temple , where they spent every summer . Kazuna looked around as she entered the classroom . Her eyes roamed the room until she found Zhuang , Ching Lan , and Feng huddled in a group in the back of the room . They were her three closest friends in the Southern Water Tribe . " Kazuna ! " she yelled when she saw Kazuna coming towards them . She ran towards Kazuna and wrapped her arms tightly around her yelling , " I haven 't seen you in months ! It 's been so long ! " Kazuna kind of laughed at Ching Lan 's exorbitance . " Yeah , I know . We had to visit the Fire Nation because of the whole Azula thing . " " Well , " said Ching Lan sensing Kazuna 's reluctance to discuss Azula , " As exciting as that sounds , I can 't believe you made me put up with these two on my own for a month . " She pointed at Feng and Zhuang as she spoke . " A girl can only put up with two guys for so long before she goes insane . You have no idea how badly I need girl time . " Aang wearily made his way up the steps of the teashop . Once inside , his eyes roamed around the room searching for the owner . He spotted Iroh at one of the tables conversing with some customers . He always enjoyed asking the customers if they enjoyed the tea . Their answer was almost always yes . Iroh had a sympathetic look on his face , " It may be years from know before the damage from the war fully heals , " he told Aang sadly , " In fact , it may never completely heal . We can only hope that sometime in the future the Earth Kingdom won 't be so judgmental of the Fire Nation . Until then , I think the Fire Nation is on its own . The Earth Kingdom is obviously not going to be helpful in this situation . " I 'm a 23 - year - old who recently graduated from college with an English and secondary education degree . I 've been a reader for as long as I can remember , and at some point that bled into writing as well . I 'm a huge nerd and obsessed with tons of different things , which I enjoy getting overly excited about on a regular basis . |
I was an effing world traveler in my dreams last night . I dreamed I was looking at a map of the United States and there was a town in Iowa called " Tokyo . " I was very confused and kept double - checking to make sure that 's what it really said . It did ! At one point , I knew it was true because about 60 miles away on the map was a town called Japan . There ya go ! I dreamed I was on a plane heading for India . I was with my parents and siblings and we were all put in different rows of the plane . The plane was huge ; there were three seats on either side of the plane like a usual giant plane , but in the middle , the row must have held about 10 seats . My mother was in the middle of that , I was on one of the sides , and my sister was a few rows behind me . I mostly remembered the food they served because we got a choice of caesar salad or " other , " which was the same as caesar but with no dressing . I got regular and regretted it . The rest of it was mushy piles of things in other colors . I think it 's funny because everybody on the plane was really mad and grossed out about having to eat Indian food on the plane . My mom stood up in the middle of the row of seats , hands on her hips , exasperated look on her face . I think she was trying to lead a protest or something . But we were going to India , guys ! What gives ? At one point , there were rumors flying around about how the pilot was considering stopping randomly to pick up one woman in another country . Everybody was mad about this . Right when our food was being served , the place took a sudden nosedive . I could see that we were landing at some airport ( I somehow had a view looking straight out the front of the plane ) and as the plane went down , I made some strange noises and said really quietly and bored - ly " nooooo . . . " We stopped in " Europe " and let on like 8 guys who looked exactly the same : big and fat and hairy . My father complained to somebody at the airport saying it wasn 't fair that we were paying all this money and these guys got to ride for free . I started to go to stop him , but Emil stopped me . " It 's for the workers , " he told me . Dad 's arguing to get them a better wage . " Later , when we were in India , I couldn 't ever decide what to wear , and every time we got in a car and drove somewhere , I could see us ( kind of in a cartoon - y way ) on an actual map , a tiny car following a line from one city to the next . It was hot in India , and we aPosted by I dreamed last night that I had a menagerie of small wild animals living in my back yard . When I say small , I mean as in Small Horses ( which incidentally are one of the funniest of all creatures as far as I 'm concerned ) , not baby animals but smaller versions of full - size ones . There were small elephants , small white siberian tigers , small horses actually , small gazelles , small great danes . And though several of them are naturally predator / prey to each other , they weren 't mean and mostly rolled around playfully in a very cute way . I would feed them by tossed balls of raw meat - like meatballs - in their general direction . They all ate the meat even the vegetarian elephants and gazelles . I kept getting distracted from my feeding by my old pet hedgehog Sally Pineapple who had broken free in my house and was peeing giant puddles everywhere . I couldn 't catch her because whenever I would get close she would roll up into a spiky ball making it impossible to pick her up . And then when I 'd go get an oven glove she 'd run off and pee a huge puddle again and then roll into a ball so I couldn 't catch her . Rinse . Repeat . ew ew ew ew ew ! fuck babies ! i had a dream that i had a baby . i was all confused because i just had my period . it was all gross and wrinkly and i loved it but i didn 't want it . i said to my mom " there 's something i have to tell you . i had a baby . i don 't want it . i want to give it up for adoption . " but then my mom adopted it and i had to be around it all the time . it barfed on me and i had to change it 's diaper and i kept forgetting to feed it . i found a bottle of whiskey and i was drinking it and sharing it with people and having fun and this stupid baby kept on being there and needing me to take care of it . Posted by does anyone else notice that the longer the day progresses after a dream you recall , the more details are lost and the more difficult it becomes to remember ? ugh . well , i had a sentimental dream last night . in real life , i used to work at a group home in minnesota . there were 6 residents - all so very uniquely amazing and fun . the best job of my life . the best lots of things of my life . anyway , so i dreamed about them last night . one of the guys named pat ( not his real name - gotta get all confidential on yo asses ) and i were sitting in his kitchen chatting . we always liked to play word games that made no sense . i don 't know what we were particularly discussing but in real life , i 'd throw out an object and he 'd make a corresponding sound . like , " what does a tree say ? " and then see what his creative mind could come up with . often , he broke the non - existent rules and acted things out instead of making a sound . so i believe for " tree " he 'd stand up and wave his arms out around his head . pat 's a smart guy - we just enjoyed the silliness of such a game . so now i 'm no longer blogging about my dream but moreso reminiscing on the good times of yore . whatever the hell yore is . " what does a yore say ? " try it . so i 'm a little sick and i slept for 16 hours last night . lotsa dreamsdream 1 : i was competing in " america 's next top model " . i think i 've had this dream before and i don 't remember if i posted about it . i was pretty sure i was going to win . i had beautiful long hair and i was awesome at makeup and i had just been shopping in japan with my mom . i had amazing clothing and 100s of dollars worth of cosmetics . i was friends with all the other models . the dream was all about getting dressed and doing makeup , not actual modeling . dream 2 : i lived in this house that moved . it spun around in circles and swayed back and forth and stuff . i had lived there for years and had occupied every bedroom at one point or another . i was talking to this scientist who said the house couldn 't hold itself anymore and it was going to break . that instant , it broke . it was all sideways and flooded . i spent the rest of the dream going around the house trying to find my favorite possessions and being really sad that i couldn 't find the rest of my stuff . at one point i went in the basement and the house rolled over on it 's side . at another point i had sex with a stranger . dream 3 : i was on a " party bus " that was a reality show , except i was invisible . i was watching the star of the show have sex with all the boy contenders and be really gross . she said she was on her period but wasn 't bleeding because she liked to " make love " . her boobs kept falling out of her shirt and her 3 foot tall side - kick was a major bitch . Posted by I had approximately thirteen billion dreams last night , but I only remember a couple of details . In one , I was in a giant bathtub with other people - it was like a public pool . I kept feeling something rough go by my legs . I reached down to see what it was and realized it was a crocodile . I knew I needed to get it out , so I started moving around with my hands under water , trying to catch it . At one point , I found a long tail sticking out of the water which I knew belonged to this sneaky little monkey . I grabbed it by the tail and flung it out of the tub was like " jesus christ , everybody get out of my way ! " I somehow got the crocodile and ran to go show my brother . I 'd put the crocodile in my parents ' shower . It sat in there , not dead , but petrified , on all fours , with it 's mouth wide open . " I know it 's not dead , but is it alive ? " asked my brother . " Don 't worry , it won 't get you , " I told him . The reason I had to put it in my parents ' shower was because I 'd already put the petrified great white shark in the " kids ' bathroom " in the hallway . It was petrified in the same way - mouth wide open . Here are some other dreams I 've had about petrified animals : CardinalBirdBuffaloPeacock Oh jesus . Should I really admit that I had for the second time last night a dream about competing for Bret Michaels affection on Rock of Love ? ? ? My first dream about this was pretty great - you can read it here . But last night 's dream was awful . Those who may have watched last night 's episode of Rock of Love Tour Bus will likely notice the plot similarities . I dreamed that I was staying in a beach house . I was trying to go to the beach but all my bathing suits were too big or too small . There was the peach one was baggy and provided zero support whatsoever . I was all floppy and the bathing suit was all floppy . And then there was a tan one that I couldn 't even get over my boobs ( no problem with the bottom half because like all the women in my immediate family , I have no ass ) . Then there was the leopard print one that fit me just right . Of course . When I went outside I realized I was surrounded by all the women that are competing on Rock of Love Tour Bus . And what was worse , so was I . And there was a challenge - on the beach - which meant running around in my maybe - now - not - so - cute leopard print bikini . And what we had to do was use hockey sticks to hit a volleyball over a net and into a goal . And I stood there frozen cuz we each had to take individual turns and I knew there was no way in hell I could make the goal . But then the tomboy girl competitor Beverly ( who is from Georgia btw ) whispered to me " pass the ball to me and I 'll get it in the goal . " So I did and she made the goal and we all jumped around because we were excited that we won a date with Bret ! But with all the jumping my bathing suit top fell off and I had to hold it up to keep everyone from seeing my business as I ran back to the house . I 'm planning on making this recipe for Crock Pot Lasagna tonight . Yesterday Reem and I discussed when we bought the crock pot - specifically to make meatballs in for a Halloween Party a couple years ago . I dreamed last night that I took the crock pot out of the back of the cupboard where its been for the last couple years and when I lifted the lid , the inside was still caked with 2 year - old sauce from the meatballs . The smell was awful . I took it outside and used the hose to clean it out . I had a really long and detailed dream that I can 't for the life of me remember . But I remember one intricate part of the dream was that I was making breakfast . I wanted to make hash browns to go on the side of banana pancakes ( of which I talked about making the night before , but nothing about hash browns ) . So in the dream I am putting ingredients into a big metal bowl to make hash browns , this is what I put in it : 1 1 / 3 cups vegetable oila handful of pretzles1 1 / 3 cup of sugarI mixed it all together then added some corn starch . As I was stirring I realized I needed more pretzles so I added more . But as I kept stirring the pretzles turned into Cinnamon Toast Crunch squares . I then put it in a pan on the stove and cooked it like you would hash browns . I tasted a piece and thought to myself , these will go great with my pancakes . Thats all I remember , but I know this was a small snippet of a really long dream ! It 's been a long time since I 've posted a dream . I 'm usually like my sister Reem , dreaming vividly and remembering all the details . But it 's been strange for the last month I haven 't been dreaming at all . In few days I have had a few dreams , but none of which I could remember when I woke up . But I finally remember a few details today so I figured that I should probably write them down in an effort to will my dream memory back . I dreamed that I was moving out of my old house on Killian Street ( which I did in real life over 3 years ago ) . Instead of moving to the house I live in now , I was moving into this beautiful , airy loft . As I was packing things up I kept finding dust bunnies in the corners in the living room and stacks of old pictures of my family . In another dream , I had reunited with a former lover of mine , this rebellious political folk singer that I haven 't seen in years . We laid in bed in my room of my parent 's house and we kept asking each questions on topics I really enjoy discussing , and both giving answers I 'd give . ( Example : " Don 't you love songs that play on the theme of Hush Little Baby ? " " Yes ! Like Bob Weir 's Ashes and Glass , or Dudley by Yeah Yeah Yeahs , and sometimes I even think Bright Eyes ' Bowl of Oranges . . . " Then we went for a long walk outside in fields of snow . We wore snowshoes and and he found me a coral necklace . We ate salmon for dinner . My bedroom is really HOT and really DRY . So last night while I was sleeping my lips must have just gotten completely dried out and my upper lip cracked , which hurt . This happened in real life , but at the time I was dreaming , and when my lip cracked everyone was celebrating as if I had just been bat mitzvahed or something , and I thought , " Why are you all so happy ? All I did was crack my lip ! " Later , I dreamt that I was helping my mom wallpaper my brother 's old bedroom . Only once I had cut all of the pieces did I realize that the wallpaper was made out of maple syrup and shaved coconut . It occurred to me that this might not be the best material to use to wallpaper a room , especially since we have pets . i 've been having lots of wonderful dreams lately about having boyfriends . before last night i had a boyfriend who was blond and muscular ( not my type ) who LOVED me so much and i loved him so much and he had an audi and was in the army and raved about me to everyone . last night i dreamt that i was in high school and there was this amazing man . brown hair and gorgeous . he had a girlfriend but i decided to go for it anyway . i asked him to dinner and we went to a cafe . his girlfriend showed up and sat between us and turned her back to me to face him . i left and the next day they were pissed at me for disappearing . i explained what happened and we became the best of friends . like , a super close and loving and caring friendship . it felt so good . they explained to me that they were russian communist spies and they were older than high school age , that was just their cover . we went to a show together and the band was amazing . the end of the dream was that i was changing my shirt and i was in a bra and he gave me a hug and the girlfriend walked in and didn 't care , she understood . it was lovely and i was pissed at the alarm . I was in a library on the second floor and I kept walking between aisles of chairs , very close together . I was wearing a giant skirt , similar to my purple one , so it kept brushing against people as I walked by . I saw this kid , about 9 or 10 or so , checking out a book with his mother . All of a sudden , it was my responsibility to drive this kid to a sleepover party . We were in a fancy neighborhood , picking up two of his friends ( one of whom I worked with in camp a few years ago ) . It was dark , and there were two headlights ( not attatched to anything ) in the front yard of a house . " I have to go turn those lights off , " said the boy . " No , I 'll do it , " I told him . " Is it so you can grab some of those jelly beans ? " he asked . I looked in the front yard . It was now daytime , bright outside , and there was a giant bowl of very large jelly beans right next to a tree in the yard . " Yeah , that 's why I 'm going to go , " I said . For some reason , I had to run to do it . I first turned out the light by squeezing these two small , bright pink balloons that felt like they were filled with sand . . They were in the bowl of jelly beans , amidst the jelly beans , but I somehow knew which ones to squeeze . I then started frantically grabbing as many jelly beans as I could , holding them all in my arms . At one point I thought that I should put them in my shirt or something , but my brain told me " there 's no time ! " so I didn 't . I was about to return to the car , but at the last minute , I also grabbed an apple from the lawn . Right as I did that . . . . the COPS showed up ! Boooo ! He was nice , kind of oaf - y , and asked me why I was doing this . " Look man , I just want the kids to get to their sleepover , " I said to him . He agreed , but also told me that I 'd need to go to jail anyhow . It was a minimum security jail . . . so minimum , in fact , that you could go home to sleep every night . My friend Mark from high school was there . I wondered if his band was able to be successful while he was in jail . I also realized that he was in there for tax fraud . All of a sudden , I was watPosted by I love dreams in which I can fly . I have them pretty regularly and they are awesome . I feel very free and easy and can go way up high and go really fast . Last night I was trying to prove to someone that I could fly but I couldn 't ! I pointed my chin up to the ceiling and struggled but it was exhausting and at most I could only get about 2 inches off the floor . Finally I got a little bit better but it was still much harder than the usual flying dreams . I think it was because I was trying so hard . Usually it just happens without much effort . There 's probably a lesson in there . I had another group of extremely disjointed dreams last night and this morning . I ate a Cheesy Gordita Crunch before bed . I wonder if that 's what did it . 1 . I was " tailgating " with my family following some kind of concert . I think it was after seeing a play or orchestra or something because it was in a big auditorium . My cousins and I all texted each other to meet up in one place . We exited the building to find my mother setting up a crazy spread on these silver folding tables with white paper tablecloths outside a warehouse . It was on a busy street and the air was dirty . She 'd made a baked brie and a bunch of " sausage rolls , " which were giant hot dog looking things wrapped in fried dough . I kept trying to take pictures of my cousins Luai , taken between two rolls of paper towels , but every time I aimed the camera right at him , it would take a picture right next to him . When he did appear in the picture , he had enormous buck teeth . Also , a hearse kept getting in the frame , and I worried about seeming inconsiderate to the people involved in the funeral since I was taking a picture of the hearse . Then I realized the hearse was pulling us and the table on a trailer that was hitched behind it . We were moving , tailgating table and all . 2 . I was Samantha from Sex and the City and somebody was proposing to me . I cried really really hard because I couldn 't marry this person , but it was " the perfect ring . " Apparently I really had that whole Samantha character captured pretty well . The ring was either a yellow or light green color and was some kind of stone that wasn 't a diamond . 3 . I could see the inside of my eyes really well and everything that was going on . There was a black , blurry looking thing flying around that I thought was maybe a bat . I tried really hard to open my eyes but I couldn 't do it . Then I saw an eyelash and it was swirling around in rapid , tiny circles . 4 . I received an email from a 5 year old child and at the end it said " eagerly awaiting your response . " I had an awful dream that my dog , Pepper , died . But it was also the stupidest dream I 've ever had . I dreamed that my dog was fighting in the Civil War . And she was a General or Colonel . I don 't know what side she was on , but the two sides were in a large grove of trees marching towards each other . The other soldiers in Pepper 's batallion were upset with her because she was not on a horse . They were yelling at her and telling her to get up on her horse so that she wouldn 't get killed . And then she got shot . She lay there coughing . . . Just then Pepper jumped on me in real life and woke me up . When I woke up I was sad at first because I had a dream about her dying , but as the dream came back to me I realized how completely absurd it was . And then the war nerd in me came out because in real life the Generals are NOT supposed to be on a horse , because that makes them an easier target . Nerd . Such a ridiculous dream . I was going to a lake with some people , and noticed a couple with a baby stroller walking in the opposite direction . The mom was wasted and kept falling down . I was worried about the baby so I went across the street and asked if they 'd like to stay at my ( parents ) house until they felt better . Whoever I was walking with was annoyed that I was being such a nice person . The couple was grateful and we went back to the house . It turns out this family was evil . I fell asleep and during this time they ransacked the house . They graffitied the whole house with lots of curse words and scary language . They cursed several items and made scary looking objects , like they took apart toys and put them together in strange ways that made them come to life . When I woke up they were gone , and the house was scary and terrible . My parents were not too concerned , they were just trying to clean up as best they could . I tried to explain that the family I brought over did it , and they looked at me with pity and said , " No , Sarah , you did all this in your sleep . " It turns out that the family had just been a part of my nightmare . It was a nightmare within a real nightmare . Then I was back in high school . It was my reunion . People were bitchy . I hung out outside with a pot smoker who asked me to help him sell some . He was concerned about me because I kept passing out and seeing scary things and no one would believe me . I passed out but was conscious and could not move but knew I needed to get to the nurses office but I did not know where it was . Then there was a big party and an older woman was hitting on me . I may have flirted back a little but when she tried to make out with me I said , " No , I 'm in a monogamous relationship " and she got FURIOUS and called me a tease and ran away crying . Then an ex - boss of mine called me at 2 : 30am to ask me why I lead on this woman in such a way . I was either drunk or still feeling out of it so I just said , I 'll Call You Later ! so I would not have to talk to my boss but I was annoyed she called me at 2 : 30 inPosted by i had a crazy nightmare . it was the end of the world . everyone knew that today they were going to set off a giant bomb to destroy the whole world , we didn 't know exactly when , but we knew it was today . everyone was frantic and it was chaotic . people trying to find family members , junkies trying to do all the drugs in the world , etc . i was going with the flow and got dragged around . first we thought we were safe in a subway station , then we got bored and left there again . then i was on the phone with someone 's mom , who was telling me to get her daughter wasted drunk . then i was looking out the window and i knew everyone i saw . i kept looking up in the sky and seeing what i thought was the bomb , but it ended up being something else . my emotions were all over the place . from " thank god it 's finally over and i get to take everyone with me ! " to " holy shit i 'm gonna die ! i don 't wanna die ! mommy ! " it was extreme I don 't remember any continuity in this dream , or hardly any details . But it 's sticking in my mind . I ate a banana . It was the most delicious thing I 'd ever eaten . I contemplated having another . I was in a crowded room with Breena , and Fred walked by . He was talking but I couldn 't understand the words he was saying , although they were in English . I was reading over my friend 's shoulder . He was writing on his computer . He didn 't know I was there , but it wasn 't like I was spying . It was okay that I was reading it . Here 's what I remember : I keep hinting to Reem about the writing . She won 't pick up on it . It 's always got to be about love , but she doesn 't even trust love . It 's always love , never like . Then it said something like " fleesch . " I woke up in a crabby mood . I had a dream that I was in Gaza in Tom 's blue pickup truck . I was about to drive across the border to Israel . I was on a long highway and there was a huge line of cars waiting to cross . There was a checkpoint up ahead , but many officers were stationed every few yards who were checking cars . I got super nervous and looked in the passenger seat . There was a huge metal industrial meat cutter . I looked on the floor and there was a big plastic toy in a shopping bag that looked like a rocket ship . The rocket ship was blue and yellow . Somehow I knew that the rocket ship was actually used as a bomb , if you opened it up and put explosives inside . I started to get really scared that I wouldn 't be able to cross the checkpoint with what I had so I turned off onto a side street . There was an officer waiting there too . He motioned for me to come over . I asked him , " If I have something that I want to get rid of ? Will I get in trouble ? " He said no , that I could dump whatever I needed to with no questions asked . He opened my passenger side door and took out the meat cutter . He threw it into a huge dumpster that chopped it up into pieces . He came back over to my truck and said " I don 't like doing this you know , " and went on about how he was just doing his job , but didn 't agree with what Israel was doing . I decided not to tell him about the rocket ship , if he didn 't notice maybe the other officers wouldn 't either . I drove back to the line to cross the checkpoint . The next officers who stopped me were two young people , a girl and boy . They were dressed in jeans and blue and yellow polos , unlike the other officers who were all in grey uniforms . The girl opened my passenger side door and immediately grabbed the rocket ship and got really excited . " Look what I found here ! " she said to boy and started saying stuff into her radio . I was terrified and started babbling excuses as to why I had it . The girl just stood there smiling and shaking her head . I said , " It 's a toy . It 's not what you think . Someone gave it to me . " More officers startePosted by so i went to this metal show and it was one of my favorite bands , which i didn 't know before i went . suddenly i was in the back room hanging out with the band . the guitarist was a cute skinny man and i thought he was very sexy . he gave me a free shirt and showed me where they were going to spend the night . he asked if i had any sleeping bags , because they didn 't have enough . i didn 't , but we liked each other a lot . then i was on tour with them , but somehow it stayed the same endless day . i would watch the shows from the side of the stage and always have to search for the back room they were in . every time i entered the room , i thought they were gonna finally be sick of me , but they were always happy to see me . there was one thing with a guy who hates me who was gonna beat my ass and my boyfriend protected me . there was another thing where a band member started driving my car when everyone was in it and he was speeding and not stopping for intersections and we all thought we were going to die . i told him to stop and he wouldn 't listen to me and i told my boyfriend to tell him to stop and he listened to him . it was kinda scary , but it was an awesome dream . i had an awesome boyfriend in a band i loved and he protected me and was always happy to see me . I have a recurring dream about school . It 's always high school , and it 's always the end of the semester and I need to go take finals but a ) I haven 't been to class all semester so I don 't know what we 're studying and I haven 't done any of the work and b ) I don 't know where the classroom is . What a boring recurring dream . It crept in a bit to the dream I had last night , but slightly more interesting . Only slightly - don 't get excited . . . I was in a high school english class that was being taught by Mr . Katimsky from My So - Called Life ( I 've watched over half the series in the last 24 hours in real life ) . We were supposed to do research papers on somebody . I had no idea who , or what the point of the paper was , or what we were supposed to include . My partner was Michael Masters , who I went to grade school with , and he was making his oral presentation . WHen he was finished , Mr . Katimsky said " Do you have anything to add ? " and all I could think of to do was to come up with adjectives to describe the individual . First , I realized that Michael had been talking about Run from Run DMC . Next , I described him as " out there , " " over the top , " and " a spitfire . " Then Mr . Katimsky asked if I 'd like to share my paper . I told him it wasn 't done . My friend Johnny appeared and said his wasn 't done either . I was bummed because I thought it could have been a cool paper - Run is interesting , I 'm sure . I kept wondering how I 'd be able to do the paper that night , since I went to school and worked teaching piano full time . Later , after I woke up , I had to tell myself like 5 times that I did not have to write that paper . In the dream , I did offer to share this other thing with the class . I reached out the window and my arm stretched all the way to the blacktop ground outside , even though we were on the 2nd or 3rd floor , and I gathered some apricot jelly out of a jar with a long - handled white spoon . I passed it around the class to whoever wanted it . " I have strawberry or apricot , " I told them . I was surprised at how many people had open faced peanPosted by 11 hours of sleep + melatonin = . . . It was the last day of school , as I work in a university . We were closing it down but also I was there with my current coworker M and a past coworker K . M , K , and I were all taking exams to get into nursing school . The exam was given by my current boss , who looked nothing like my actual current boss . I felt huge anxiety about this test and ended up leaving . We only had 20 minutes to do it and it was multiple choice . I could actually see the questions and answers in my dream , they were very scientific . Like " The Knee Cap and Petella are the same thing : true or false ? " That 's just an example , most were very hard and full of jargon . Time was up and I only did about a quarter of the exam . This boss lady came to talk with me . She said she was very surprised and disappointed in me but that she would give me some extra time . I told her I was anxious about taking the test but also anxious about going into nursing school as I am squeamish about needles . She said I would get over that . I finished the test and she said I did very well . Then in the school I was working as a hairdresser who only dyed people 's hair jet black with a tar - like substance . There was someone evil across the way who tricked a person to sign up to pay a million dollars a month to get their hair done . This person was not too worried about it , but I tore up the contract and dyed their hair for free . That black stuff was everywhere . At some point I had sex with a lady . It was fun . Then I was back in time . It was the ' 50s or ' 60s and bowling had just been invented . So we were at a bowling alley and everyone looked like a greaser but you had to shower before and after you bowled , like at a swimming pool . So I came out of the locker room in just my underwear . No big deal . Everyone was exclaiming about this wacky new phenomenon of bowling . We bowled . Then I sat in the corner with my shoes off and noticed that my toes were disgusting . I had really long hair growing between my toes . Like , as long as the hair on my head . It wasPosted by Yep , still AWOL for a bit . Sorry y ' all . I realized what I did to make my blog a hot mess . . . . accidentally deleted ALL the photos ! BAH ! Whoops a daisy . So . . . Oh wow , guys . I 've been doing some reconnaissance work lately . It 's been dangerous , stealthy , and risky . Why would I do it ? For you . To bring you the . . . I get very excited by fall . I actually get a buzz off of the air , no really I do ! I love it more than any season . I was on the phone with my friend Kate . . . |
Sensei , our teacher , decided to show us how to do atemi , which is a technique used to disrupt an opponent 's attack of a grab or a strike . It throws them off and helps you gain the upper hand . Atemi is done by kicking , or throwing a punch at just the right time . It can 't be too early , or they 'll see it coming , and if it 's late , it won 't do you any good . That meant my kick would have to be pretty hard , and maybe a little higher than I 'd practiced , but I could aim my punch for the stomach , so that would work . We slowed our moves down to start with , and then traded attacks . Sensei told us not to use atemi all the time , so that when we did , it wouldn 't be expected . Sticking to his advise , I waited until after several attacks to throw in a high kick . The only problem was my attacker was a little slow … and … YUP … you guessed it … I kicked him real good right where it counts . The poor guy fell to the ground on his hands and knees , and groaned , barely able to breathe . My face turned red and guilt burned a hole in my stomach . This was terrible . Everyone stopped what they were doing and glanced at me thinking I 'd gone too far . Poor Daniel , I 'd really gotten him good . He 'd probably never partner with me again . Why was I kicking so hard ? Savannah gasped and covered her mouth . She glanced at me in wide - eyed horror , embarrassed at what I 'd done . But underneath her hands , her mouth twitched with laughter , which she wisely held back . By now , Daniel was showing signs of recovering , so maybe it wasn 't so bad . After my horrified apologies , he grunted a few times , and waved me off . I glanced at Sensei and he just shook his head , but he was thinking that it wasn 't all my fault . Daniel was a little slow with his reaction time , or I wouldn 't have been able to get him so good . It was also a given in the dojo that if you got hurt , it was most likely your own fault . As Daniel lunged at me , I timed my kick at the perfect moment to thwart him , hoping he 'd see it in time to avoid it . Just in case he didn 't , I didn 't kick quite as hard . Still , somehow I managed to connect … again ! He fell to the floor , hardly believing that it had happened again . At least it wasn 't as bad this time , but still … what the hell ? Did I have it in for him or something ? Was his timing really that off ? Everyone felt bad for Daniel , but most of us were trying not to laugh out loud . I mean … sometimes when something untoward happens , your first impulse is to laugh , right ? I had a hard time keeping the chuckle inside , especially as I asked him if he was okay . This time Sensei clapped his hands for everyone to stop , deciding that for Daniel 's sake , and maybe mine , it was time to move on to something else . I wasn 't sure who was more relieved , me or Daniel . But still , twice in one day ? Sheesh ! After that , Sensei decided to have us practice with the jo so we wouldn 't need partners . The jo is a wooden staff that 's about four feet long . He had us hold it close to the center and practice doing circle eights so we could get a feel for it . Then he told us to try going a little faster . I concentrated hard and sped things up a bit , thinking it was just like twirling a baton like they do in the marching bands . All at once , a big thwack sounded , and Daniel 's jo fell to the mat . He held his hand to his jaw where he 'd hit himself with the jo ! I burst out laughing . I knew it wasn 't nice of me , but I couldn 't help it . I tried to hold it in and turned my face away so Daniel wouldn 't see , but my shoulders shook so bad I could hardly breathe , which just made me laugh even harder . It was one of those times I had the giggles so bad nothing was going to keep me from laughing . Then I noticed everyone else was laughing a little too . Even Daniel . With a shrug , he said something about it not being his day , and the tension left the room . I just got back from New York a few weeks ago , and it was a blast . We stayed in a hotel close to Times Square , so naturally , that was the first place we went once we got there . It 's kind of a crazy place , with so many people and all of those bright lights . There 's also people there who dress up as different super heroes and other things like the Statue of Liberty . Naturally , I wanted to get my picture taken with one of them . Then I noticed that people who stopped and got photos always slipped them some cash after . Not sure I wanted to pay for a photo opp , I glanced at some of the other things going on , content to watch without participating in anything that might cost me money . They asked for a volunteer , and a boy around nine - years - old raised his hand . They told him to stand real still while one of the shirtless guys did a jumping flip right over his head . Everyone cheered and clapped at his feat . After taking a bow , one of the men pulled the tallest guy from the crowd and had him stand behind the kid . That 's when they turned to the crowd and asked , " How much do you want to see our brother jump over both of them ? " A few people handed them some dollar bills , and they collected a nice little stack . Then they pulled another guy from the crowd and had him stand between the other two . This time they got a few tens and fives and began their little chant of how we 're all part of the human family , no matter what our differences may be . Then they asked him if he was there with someone , like a wife or a girlfriend . He pointed in my direction and the nearest guy came to my side . " Is this your wife ? " he asked , dragging me into the center of the crowd , and thinking I looked a little old for him , but in a good way . Of course Miguel said , " No , she 's my cousin . " The guy dramatically wiped his brow and said . " So it 's all right if I kiss her ? " He stood beside me and leaned in to kiss my lips . I stood frozen , and probably would have let him kiss me , but he stopped at the last moment and sent me a wink . Then he asked me , " How much is your cousin worth ? If you want us to jump all - the - way - over - him , we might need some motivation . " Dang ! With everyone watching , I scrounged through my purse and found that my smallest chunk of change happened to be a twenty - dollar - bill . I handed it over , and he got the crowd to cheer for me while I smiled politely and gave Miguel a thumbs - up . After that , they added another man to the line , which now made five people in a row to jump over . Then they did their little thing and asked for more donations . I didn 't see how they planned to jump over all these tall guys and the kid , but what did I know ? They did their little spiel and gathered several more bills . At this point it looked like they had close to three - hundred dollars . Not bad for half an hour . Finally , they said it was time to do the jump . It was a good thing , since most people were ready to move on by then . Anyway , they made the girl and boy stand off to the side . Then they asked the four guys to face sideways and touch their toes . Not all of them could do that , but a few got pretty close . With the line of men all hunched over and standing close together , the jump seemed a lot more reasonable . Still , that was quite a formidable distance . Starting a countdown , the jumper took his place , then took off running and did a big flip over them , going to his knees on the other side before standing up . From where I stood , the jump looked a little off to me … like he 'd jumped a little crookedly and not exactly right over them , but I wasn 't about to point that out . After he landed , everyone clapped and cheered , and they thanked the crowd as it dispersed . Miguel came to my side , relieved to have that over with , and we started back to our hotel . Anyway … I didn 't feel too bad about losing twenty dollars since it was part of my whole New York experience . Plus , I nearly got kissed by a hot guy … how could I complain about that ? But next time , I think I 'll just get my picture taken with Captain America , like I wanted to in the first place ! Yesterday , I got a call from my friend , Holly . She told me that her husband got her a scooter for her birthday . I think it 's a Vespa . Anyway … I hurried over to see it and maybe take a ride . It was so cute … kind of a lime green color . And the thing I liked most , was that it didn 't have any gears you had to shift , and it was small enough for me to handle . As you know , on a motorcycle , you have to do that whole gear shift thing on the handlebar and with your foot , which can be a little intimidating … at least for me . Plus , the motorcycle that I usually ride is pretty big . If I tried to take that out by myself , I 'm not sure I 'd be strong enough to hold it upright . Still , I 'm sure they have smaller motorcycles that I could try , right ? Plus it might be a good thing to learn how to ride one just in case … you know … something happened . With that in mind , I totally jumped at the chance to try out Holly 's Vespa , just to get a feel for it in a non - threatening way . If I liked it … who knew ? Maybe I 'd want to get one , or try out a smaller - size motorcycle ? She drove it around first and showed me how it worked , driving it up and down the street a few times . Then it was my turn . The handlebars have a brake lever and the one on the right side is the one you pull toward you to make it go . It seemed simple enough , and it kind of reminded me of the wave - runner I took out at the lake a few years ago . I had my two kids on it behind me , and we started out pretty slow . Then the need for speed hit me , and I twisted the handle . We took off and it was great fun , until the kids lost their grip and flew off behind me . Luckily they both had on life jackets , but I didn 't realize they were slowly losing their grip because of the speed , or I would have slowed down … Anyway , I tested the brakes and then twisted the handle and started off . I was going pretty slow , but I veered to the left where there 's a two - foot drop - off from Holly 's driveway to the neighbor 's driveway . I was holding onto the handlebar so tight , that I forgot that I needed to let go in order to stop . I managed to turn the wheel in time to avoid going off the edge , but it was close , and I heard some yelling going on behind me . By then , I had come to the end of the driveway . Luckily , I shifted my hand on the handle . With a deep breath of relief , I slowed in time to look both ways before pulling out and turning up the street . I made it to the top of the street and decided to go around the block , since I wasn 't sure I could turn it around . By the time I 'd made it back around the street , I was starting to get the hang of it . I 'd even managed not to tip over or anything . But my legs were a little shaky from all the excitement . Holly smiled , but it didn 't quite reach her eyes . She reached for the handlebar , thinking how grateful she was that I 'd make it back alive , and that I 'd almost killed her brand - new scooter . She also wasn 't sure she 'd ever let me ride it again . It kind of hurt my feelings . Sure I 'd sort of messed up at the beginning , but I 'd made it all the way around the block just fine . Still , I knew it would take a lot more practice for me to feel totally comfortable riding around on it . That 's when I realized that maybe having a motorcycle of my own wouldn 't be such a good idea after all . I really liked riding on the back much better than driving it myself anyway . Especially when I could wrap my arms around the one person who liked to take me on those rides … yeah … I think it 's safer for everyone if I stick to that plan from now on . As most of you know , I 'm a paid consultant for the police . I help out when they have a difficult case and not much to go on . They don 't know the truth that I can read minds , and I try to keep it that way by telling them I have psychic abilities - like premonitions and such . This works great when they are questioning suspects , mostly because I can pick it up pretty quick if the suspect is guilty . After that , it 's usually easy for me to ask the suspect leading questions that either trick them into admitting their guilt , or trick them into giving away important information that only they would know . This usually freaks them out so bad that they confess to the whole thing . In the process , it makes me look pretty awesome . I was at the precinct waiting for Dimples to arrive , when the chief got the call about a double homicide . Dimples is the only detective who knows the truth about me , and we 've become partners . But since he wasn 't there yet , the chief asked me to go with Detective Bates . Normally , Bates would have refused to take me with him , since he doesn 't like me much . But things have changed in the last couple of months , and he 's more accepting of my psychic abilities . He 's now a believer , since he 's seen first hand how good I am at finding the guilty party . But right then , I wished he still hated me , because I wasn 't sure how I could help at a crime scene . I couldn 't read dead people 's minds , and the killer was probably long gone . But what could I do ? As I stood there with indecision , Bates smiled encouragingly , thinking I hesitated because he hadn 't been very nice to me , but he was willing to let bygones be bygones . Great ! How could I tell him to go without me after that ? " Uh … I 'm not too good with blood . Maybe I 'd better stay here ? " At this point the chief noticed my hesitation and frowned at me , thinking that with my ability , I might pick up something his detectives would miss and they 'd get a jump start on the killer . So why was I hesitating ? Isn 't this what they paid me for ? I let out a relieved breath since Detective Harris is my partner , Dimples . I hoped he didn 't take took long since he could run interference for me if things got tricky . Plus , I didn 't like going out on a case without him . I knew Dimples had my back if something went wrong , and I couldn 't say that about Bates . Bates noticed my white face and thought I was a big wimp . He shook his head thinking it was a mistake to bring me . Sure , I 'd been right a few times , but I didn 't seem to have the mojo to be a real detective . The grudging respect he 'd held for me slipped a few notches . So I offered him a quick nod , and jumped out of the car . I even led the way to the door , but a police officer stopped me from entering , and Bates had to tell her it was okay to let me in . As obnoxious as that was , it restored Bates ' good mood , so I couldn 't be too upset . With misgiving , I took a deep breath and followed him in . The first thing I noticed were the rusty red blood spatters all over the living room wall . Then came the coppery smell of death and the sight of two women 's bodies sprawled out on the floor . I stopped in my tracks , then managed to cover my nose and avert my gaze until I found an out - of - the - way spot near the doorway to the kitchen . I swallowed a few times to keep from throwing up . I hadn 't expected the dead people to be women . Somehow , that made this whole thing worse . I glanced into the kitchen and noticed food on the table along with three place settings . So where was the other person ? Was that person still there ? Was that person the killer ? Letting out a breath of relief , my shoulders slumped and I closed my eyes . Then I heard a sound , like a woman singing . What the freak ? It came from the end of the hall where two doors stood open . I held my breath and peeked inside , letting it out to find the room empty . As I took a step inside the singing stopped , and I caught the scent of roses . Then a picture frame on the dresser toppled over . I inhaled sharply , then squealed with alarm as a hand clamped down on my shoulder . " Whoa ! It 's just me , " Bates said , catching my arms before I hit him . " Didn 't you hear me ? I called your name twice . " " You did ? " My breath came hard and fast . At his nod , I shook my head . " I didn 't hear a thing . But I think you 'd better take a look at whoever 's in that picture frame on the dresser . " His eyes narrowed . He was thinking that maybe my imagination was working overtime . He 'd seen that happen at homicides before , because of the shock of dead bodies and all that blood . But what if there was something to it ? Was it part of my powers at work ? I glanced over his shoulder into the photo of a smiling man wearing a suit and tie . " I don 't know who that is , " I said . " But I think he might be the killer . " I managed to keep my balance and continued toward the car , where I stopped to plant my hands on my knees and lean over to settle my stomach . Sheesh ! That was horrible ! On the other hand , at least it was Bates and not Dimples who 'd been there . Bates wouldn 't question my ability , but Dimples would have had questions that I didn 't want to answer . How could I tell him that sometimes I heard dead people … Of course , since he knew I could read minds , did it really matter ? But this errand didn 't seem so bad . He wanted me to pick up the gift he 'd ordered for Jackie at the diamond jewelry store . Since I was curious to see the expensive gift he 'd bought her , I was happy to do it . He gave me his credit card to pay for everything and sent me on my way . I stopped at the Nut place first and went inside , telling them I was there to pick up the Manetto order . The person at the front desk said she had several orders waiting in the back , and told me it would take a minute to sort through them . Just then , two more people came in wanting their orders , followed by a third . She took all of their names down , and left to find our orders at the same time . A few minutes later she came back with a heavy box . After setting it down , she went back again , repeating the process several times . After everyone else had left , she finally brought up my order and held out her hand for my credit card . I reached for the card in my purse , and came up empty . I checked my coat pockets , but it wasn 't there . My jeans pockets were also empty . Next , I unzipped every little nook and cranny in my purse to check there , but still couldn 't find the damn thing . As panic began to set in , I tried to remember what I 'd done with the card . I knew I 'd had it in my hand when I first entered the shop , so where had it gone ? Maybe I 'd dropped it ? I glanced at the floor , then got down on my hands and knees to see if it was underneath something . " Oh , that 's not good . " She glanced at all the paperwork in front of her and lifted papers up to see if it had ended up on her desk . Then her eyes widened as she remembered that I 'd handed her my card , but she couldn 't remember what she 'd done with it . " I 'll be right back , " she said , making a bee - line for the back room . It wasn 't on the desk , or on the floor , or anywhere else that I could see . So she must have taken it into the back room with her . Just as I started back there , she came out with her eyes round as saucers . " Did you find it ? " she asked . I wasn 't about to go along with that . " Now that I think about it , I 'm pretty sure I gave it to you . So what did you do with it ? " With a startled gasp , she reached in and pulled the card out . " Oh my gosh ! Here it is ! " After apologizing several times , she ran the card and handed me my box , making sure I had the receipt and the card . " Just a minute . " She ran to the back room , then came out with a small box of nuts . " This is for all the hassle . " I made it to the jewelry store , holding the credit card tight in my fist where I wouldn 't lose it . The jeweler recognized me from the last time I 'd been there with Billie when we 'd picked out Dimples ' wedding band . It took him by surprise that I was the one Uncle Joey had called him about . " You 're Shelby ? " he asked . He thought that I sure got around , but maybe that 's why I worked for Uncle Joey . He took out the velvet box containing the necklace and earrings set that Uncle Joey had bought for Jackie and caught my gaze . " Do you want to see it ? " " Sure . " My eyes widened as he opened the box . The set was stunning with a combination of sapphires and diamonds in beautiful white gold . Then he pulled out a couple of smaller boxes . " That 's the one I would have picked for you , " he said , thinking that my husband would be pleased , and he hoped he hadn 't given too much away . Covering his tracks , he went on to explain , " A friend asked me to pick something out for his wife , and she is a lot like you . That 's why I asked . " So today , I decided to stop by Chris ' office and see how things were going . He has this gorgeous new secretary - er - executive assistant , who kind of has the hots for him . Because she sometimes forgets , I 've learned that it 's a good idea to stop by to remind her that my husband is not up for grabs . I exited the elevator and made my way to Chris ' office . I found Elise sitting at her desk with her head down . As I approached , she glanced up with an expression of sadness which quickly changed into a smile for my benefit . She greeted me pleasantly enough , telling me that Chris was in court , but underneath that I picked up that she was barely holding herself together . " Uh … nothing , " she said , lying through her teeth . Her mind went to the results of her LSAT and how she 'd just missed getting a good enough score to go to law school . If only she could get someone to help her study . Maybe if she told Chris , he could help her , and she could take the test again . That way she could spend more one - on - one time with him , and get the help she needed . Win - win . " You could , " she answered . " But he might be an hour or so . " She didn 't really want me around , mostly because it reminded her that Chris was off limits . Just then , Ethan came around the corner with a stack of files . He was a junior associate at the firm and Chris was mentoring him . Ethan had a few secrets of his own , and one was a connection to the district attorney 's office . They wanted him to snitch on Chris in order to get to Uncle Joey . " Mrs . Nichols , " Ethan said . " Nice to see you . " He knew that I 'd told him several times to call me Shelby , but he just couldn 't do it . My presence also reminded him that Chris was a good guy with a great family , and guilt swamped over him that he was supposed to spy on Chris . He wished there was a way out of that . She stared at me , thoroughly confused at how I knew , then swallowed and glanced at Ethan . " Uh … I already took it , but I didn 't pass . I know all this stuff , but taking timed tests just freaks me out . " Ethan nodded , thinking that he 'd been trying to figure out a way to talk to Elise outside of the office . Maybe helping her would get him a date . " I could help you , if you 'd like . I got a pretty good score and maybe you just need a good coach . " Elise nodded , then smiled at him . He was cute in his own way , and spending time with him might be fun . Not as great as with Chris … but Ethan was a smart guy and knew his stuff . " That would be great . " Now Elise had someone besides Chris to focus on , and Ethan might be distracted with her enough to forget about spying on Chris for a while . I always liked it when things went right for a change . Now if only I could count on that happening all the time ! Sheesh ! After everything I 've been through lately , you 'd think I 'd learn , right ? I mean , I 've been scared more than a few times in my life , but never like this ! Let me start at the beginning . My son , Josh , asked me if I 'd take him and his friends to a Halloween - themed haunted house . I should have known it would be bad with the name " The Haunting House , " but I know just as well as the next person , that it 's all make - believe . Still , I don 't like people jumping out at me in the dark . Needless to say , Josh and his friends kind of ganged up on me to go . It helped that they thought I was the coolest mom ever , and would be even cooler if I went in with them . How could I say no to that ? After a lot of energetic persuasion from them , I finally gave in , and told Josh and his friends that I 'd take them , as long as it wasn 't too scary . We arrived at the house around six - thirty and got in a line that snaked around and down the street . By the time we got to the gate , I found the house wasn 't at all what I pictured . In fact , even though it was on a major street , it was basically a normal two - story old Victorian - looking mansion . There weren 't any decorations or people dressed up in costumes , so what was the draw ? That 's when the kids started talking about how this house was supposed to be haunted for real . That raised my blood pressure real fast , and I started to panic . Oh crap ! In my line of work , I 'd actually picked up a few voices from the great beyond , so if it was really haunted , I could be in trouble . Too bad I 'd already paid a hefty entrance fee , or I might have backed out . Just then , our group of four , plus six more people in the line were allowed through the front gate . With a sense of impending disaster , I followed the boys to the front porch and met our guide . I listened real close to his thoughts while he explained the history of the house , trying to pick up if he actually believed it , or if he was reciting from a script . He wove a story that this home was over one hundred and fifty years old , and had been built by a wealthy merchant . One night the whole family had been murdered by the merchant 's angry partner , who was tried and hung a week later . In the aftermath , the city took possession , and turned it into an orphanage . The orphanage functioned for twenty years before it was shut down , but by then , it had earned the reputation of being haunted with all kinds of spooky happenings . The first room we entered was the living room with a fireplace and furnishings circa the late 1800 's . The lights flickered , and the fireplace burst into flames , but that was all part of the scheme . The guide did a good job of acting a little scared , which built up the pretense . From there , we followed him into the dining room where the table was set for six people . A tablecloth hung nearly to the ground , so when the table shook , rattling the plates , it wasn 't hard to guess that someone was under there . Our guide backed away like it scared him , but it was all part of the act . We skipped the kitchen , thank goodness , and he led us up the stairs , telling us how the family had all been killed while sleeping in their beds . He said their rooms ; especially that of the sixteen - year - old daughter , was where most of the paranormal activity had been recorded . He saved that room for last , and took us through the other bedrooms first . The parent 's room was dark , with only two small lights coming from the bedside tables . As he spoke about the wife , a small breeze caressed my check , carrying the smell of roses . I swallowed and glanced around the room . It came again and my breath caught . " Did you smell that ? " I asked . " That rose smell ? " Everyone turned my way with rounded eyes , and I did a mental head - slap . Oops . Everyone sniffed , and a girl nodded , agreeing that she could smell it too . I let out my breath with relief , and found the guide staring at me . He was wondering if I was a plant by the owner , because nothing like that had ever happened before . Had I sprayed that perfume ? Shaking his head , he continued the tour and took us into the children 's rooms . I held my breath , hoping nothing else crazy happened . The rocking chair in the corner began to move , but that was staged , as well as a toy that fell from a shelf . Still , it scared the crap out of me . Our last stop was the teenager 's room , and I realized I was hanging onto Josh 's arm pretty tight , and couldn 't seem to let go . Our guide opened the door to the room , and a blast of cold air hit me in the face . Everyone felt it , and our guide explained that the cold meant there was likely a ghost inside the room . But not to worry , no one had ever been harmed by this ghost . He led the way inside we all followed behind with fear and trembling . There was just enough room for us to crowd around the side of the small bed . The room was dimly lit , just like the rest had been , and it was freezing . Luckily , I knew that was part of the act , but it still made my heart race . He told us about the girl , and how many of the orphans had heard her singing at night . Then he asked us to all be quiet and listen carefully , while he asked the ghost to sing for us . It reminded of the phantom saying , " sing for me , " in Phantom of the Opera . I would have laughed , but the whole thing was freaking me out . In the dark , all pandemonium broke loose . Amid the frightened screams I got pushed against the bed and fell onto the mattress , right onto a hard body . I tried to get away , but found an arm clamped tightly around my waist . In desperation , I grabbed my stun flashlight from my purse and pushed the on - switch for the light , only I got it wrong , and pushed the stunner instead . It crackled with green light and caught the guy in the arm . He let out a strangled yelp before collapsing on the bed , pulling me down on top of him . Just then the lights came back on and everyone froze . I pushed off the guy , recognizing him as part of our group who was there with a cute girl . I scanned the room for Josh , and found him jerking guiltily away from the same cute girl , who he 'd been holding onto rather tightly . Lucky for me , the guy started to blink and moan right away . Soon , he was sitting up , wondering what had happened . By then , everyone had gathered around the bed , and we all let out relieved sighs that he was all right . In sheer panic , everyone high - tailed it out of there . Even the kid I 'd zapped lurched out like his pants were on fire . Not me . I started laughing . I just couldn 't help it . What a prank she 'd pulled ! Josh came back and grabbed my arm to drag me out of there . He was thinking that I 'd lost it , and that sobered me up pretty quick . So from now on , I 'm swearing off haunted houses . The next time my kids want to do anything even remotely insane like that , they can find someone else to take them . I have enough on my plate without adding ghosts , even if they do have a wicked sense of humor . Helping the police has always been a little nerve - wracking , mostly because the local mob - boss , Uncle Joey , doesn 't like it much . So I try to keep a low profile when I 'm helping my partner , Dimples , or I should say , Detective Harris , solve a difficult case . Since Dimples knows my secret that I can read minds , we make a good team . I also feel like it eases my conscience to help out the good guys once in a while , since I 'm sort of obligated to help the bad guys out the rest of the time . This can sometimes be a little tricky , but I do my best to keep things on the low - down . Even so , things can get complicated . Like today . We were the first to arrive , and Dimples told me to stay in the car , while he jumped out to run inside and save the day . Naturally , I couldn 't let him run into danger like that if I could help . So , much to his consternation , I quickly followed . Since there wasn 't time to argue , he just swore a blue streak in his mind , and continued up the steps with me right behind him . Then I caught that he wished I wasn 't there , since he 'd have to worry about my safety , and it kind of hurt my feelings . I mean , seriously , I can read minds … that 's a huge help , and it can also keep me safe since I 'll know what 's coming ahead of time , right ? His underlying desperation hit me first , but his thoughts didn 't make a lot of sense . The harder I listened , the more I realized I could hear three distinct voices all trying to talk at the same time . They were arguing about doing whatever it took to get what he needed . One was pushing him to put the gun down , but another was arguing to use it to get them to listen to him . It scared me so bad , I jerked out of his head . " He 's crazy . " At Dimples ' raised brows , I continued . " I mean , literally … he needs his medication . Wait … that 's what this is all about . He has no insurance and can 't pay so he came here to get help . At least that 's what it sounds like . " " I don 't know … " I listened to the different voices and thought I just might go crazy . Then I caught it . " I don 't think the gun 's loaded . " Knowing I didn 't have much time , I caught Dimples ' gaze , then took a deep breath and walked around the corner . " Hey Benny , it 's Shelby . I 've got your meds for you . " He turned around , pinning me with his startled gaze , and raising his gun in my direction . " Uh … Jerry wants you to put the gun down now . He says everything 's going to be all right . But you have to put the gun down first . You should listen to Jerry and not Cindy . Jerry 's got the right idea . He doesn 't want anyone to get hurt , and I don 't think you do either . " Dimples rushed in and kicked the gun away before pulling Benny 's arms behind his back and cuffing him . All at once , police officers came out of the woodwork and surrounded us . They had Benny subdued before I could blink . That 's when I realized that with Benny 's focus on me , all the hostages had taken off . I let out a breath , grateful it was over , and a little wigged out by the whole thing . And now I had to worry about the unwanted attention that was sure to come my way . " You did this , not me , " I whispered . " I 'll meet you at the car . " I turned around to get out of there before someone stopped me . Luckily , I made it to the car before I heard my name . Cringing , I turned to find Billie Jo rushing my way , and knew it was time to lie my head off . " Oh hey Billie , Dimples saved the day in there . You should go talk to him . " After asking me a couple of questions , she high - tailed it up the steps and I breathed a sigh of relief . That was close , and I thanked my lucky stars that the hostages and the police didn 't witness my conversation with Benny . At least I sure hoped not . Lately , I 've been contemplating getting those fake eyelashes that they glue onto your own eyelashes . Mostly because , as I mentioned in my last post , all my friends had done it , and they looked pretty great . Of course , I already have naturally long lashes , but without mascara , they 're pretty much invisible . Which brings me to wonder how much easier it would be to have the fake ones . Looking good all the time without putting on mascara sounds awesome . That seems like a big commitment to me , but her lashes looked so amazing , that I 'm really tempted . But is the cost and maintenance worth it ? She absolutely loves it , so it definitely is for her . I 'd almost made up my mind to do it , but then I remembered something that happened to me not too long ago . I broke out in hives all over my neck and face from a new face cream I was using . I 'd ended up at the doctor 's office , needing a shot and a few days on steroid pills because of my allergies . Since I 'd heard similar horror stories about people having an allergic reaction to the glue that was used on the lashes , it made me wonder if that would happen to me . I could just imagine how bad I 'd look with swollen eyes no amount of benadryl could cure . My doctor would probably think I was pretty stupid to even try it , which would mean I couldn 't go to him for help . And I 'd just have to live with it until all my eyelashes fell out . How would I look then ? Just thinking about it sent chills of terror down my spine , so … I think I 'll just stick to mascara for now . It may take a few minutes to put on , and run down my face at inopportune times , but at least I 'll avoid the trouble of something even worse . I mean , if there 's something I 've learned lately , it 's that if anything bad might happen to me , it probably will . Knowing that , it would be irresponsible to even try it . So I think I 'll wait . Who knows what they might come up with in a few years anyway , right ? The drill goes like this : We start out by getting updates on what everyone 's doing in their lives . This is accomplished by going around the table so everyone gets a chance to talk about themselves . That 's when we get to hear about the cruises , trips , new cars , houses , and what activities the children are involved in , and how smart they are . Then we usually end with the latest gossip about other people we know . Pretty standard , right ? Anyway , it just so happened that I was free on the night of the scheduled dinner . And in a moment of weakness , I told them I 'd be there . That 's how I ended up in the restaurant , surrounded by six other women whom I 'd known since grade school , but hadn 't talked to in almost a year . When it got to me , I decided to tell them about my consulting agency . I picked up curiosity , and a lot of astonishment , that I had the guts to do something like that . They had a ton of questions for me about what kinds of cases I 'd worked on . Mostly because they didn 't quite believe I was telling the truth , or that I was totally legitimate . So naturally , I took the bait , and told them about the case where I 'd helped a young woman find her mother who 'd been missing for ten years , but whom I found out had actually been killed by a serial killer . That got their attention , and they listened with astonishment to the whole story , amazed that I got out alive . And who was this Ramos person ? ( I 'd sort of glossed over that part , since I couldn 't exactly tell the truth . But I had to say something about him . I mean , how could I leave him out when he 'd saved my life ? ) By the end of our dinner , I had their grudging respect , but they also didn 't want me to think I was too high and mighty for them . So they took what I said with a grain of salt , not quite believing all of it . ( Mostly the Ramos part . ) Still , as we left , I had a strong desire for Ramos to show up on his motorcycle and take me for a ride , just to prove it was all real . That would show them , right ? Plus , they 'd probably all die of jealousy . Dang . I hoped that didn 't make me a bad person . It might also mean that I 'd better keep my mouth shut next time . With as much trouble as I seem to get into , it 's probably a good idea . |
Sensei , our teacher , decided to show us how to do atemi , which is a technique used to disrupt an opponent 's attack of a grab or a strike . It throws them off and helps you gain the upper hand . Atemi is done by kicking , or throwing a punch at just the right time . It can 't be too early , or they 'll see it coming , and if it 's late , it won 't do you any good . That meant my kick would have to be pretty hard , and maybe a little higher than I 'd practiced , but I could aim my punch for the stomach , so that would work . We slowed our moves down to start with , and then traded attacks . Sensei told us not to use atemi all the time , so that when we did , it wouldn 't be expected . Sticking to his advise , I waited until after several attacks to throw in a high kick . The only problem was my attacker was a little slow … and … YUP … you guessed it … I kicked him real good right where it counts . The poor guy fell to the ground on his hands and knees , and groaned , barely able to breathe . My face turned red and guilt burned a hole in my stomach . This was terrible . Everyone stopped what they were doing and glanced at me thinking I 'd gone too far . Poor Daniel , I 'd really gotten him good . He 'd probably never partner with me again . Why was I kicking so hard ? Savannah gasped and covered her mouth . She glanced at me in wide - eyed horror , embarrassed at what I 'd done . But underneath her hands , her mouth twitched with laughter , which she wisely held back . By now , Daniel was showing signs of recovering , so maybe it wasn 't so bad . After my horrified apologies , he grunted a few times , and waved me off . I glanced at Sensei and he just shook his head , but he was thinking that it wasn 't all my fault . Daniel was a little slow with his reaction time , or I wouldn 't have been able to get him so good . It was also a given in the dojo that if you got hurt , it was most likely your own fault . As Daniel lunged at me , I timed my kick at the perfect moment to thwart him , hoping he 'd see it in time to avoid it . Just in case he didn 't , I didn 't kick quite as hard . Still , somehow I managed to connect … again ! He fell to the floor , hardly believing that it had happened again . At least it wasn 't as bad this time , but still … what the hell ? Did I have it in for him or something ? Was his timing really that off ? Everyone felt bad for Daniel , but most of us were trying not to laugh out loud . I mean … sometimes when something untoward happens , your first impulse is to laugh , right ? I had a hard time keeping the chuckle inside , especially as I asked him if he was okay . This time Sensei clapped his hands for everyone to stop , deciding that for Daniel 's sake , and maybe mine , it was time to move on to something else . I wasn 't sure who was more relieved , me or Daniel . But still , twice in one day ? Sheesh ! After that , Sensei decided to have us practice with the jo so we wouldn 't need partners . The jo is a wooden staff that 's about four feet long . He had us hold it close to the center and practice doing circle eights so we could get a feel for it . Then he told us to try going a little faster . I concentrated hard and sped things up a bit , thinking it was just like twirling a baton like they do in the marching bands . All at once , a big thwack sounded , and Daniel 's jo fell to the mat . He held his hand to his jaw where he 'd hit himself with the jo ! I burst out laughing . I knew it wasn 't nice of me , but I couldn 't help it . I tried to hold it in and turned my face away so Daniel wouldn 't see , but my shoulders shook so bad I could hardly breathe , which just made me laugh even harder . It was one of those times I had the giggles so bad nothing was going to keep me from laughing . Then I noticed everyone else was laughing a little too . Even Daniel . With a shrug , he said something about it not being his day , and the tension left the room . I just got back from New York a few weeks ago , and it was a blast . We stayed in a hotel close to Times Square , so naturally , that was the first place we went once we got there . It 's kind of a crazy place , with so many people and all of those bright lights . There 's also people there who dress up as different super heroes and other things like the Statue of Liberty . Naturally , I wanted to get my picture taken with one of them . Then I noticed that people who stopped and got photos always slipped them some cash after . Not sure I wanted to pay for a photo opp , I glanced at some of the other things going on , content to watch without participating in anything that might cost me money . They asked for a volunteer , and a boy around nine - years - old raised his hand . They told him to stand real still while one of the shirtless guys did a jumping flip right over his head . Everyone cheered and clapped at his feat . After taking a bow , one of the men pulled the tallest guy from the crowd and had him stand behind the kid . That 's when they turned to the crowd and asked , " How much do you want to see our brother jump over both of them ? " A few people handed them some dollar bills , and they collected a nice little stack . Then they pulled another guy from the crowd and had him stand between the other two . This time they got a few tens and fives and began their little chant of how we 're all part of the human family , no matter what our differences may be . Then they asked him if he was there with someone , like a wife or a girlfriend . He pointed in my direction and the nearest guy came to my side . " Is this your wife ? " he asked , dragging me into the center of the crowd , and thinking I looked a little old for him , but in a good way . Of course Miguel said , " No , she 's my cousin . " The guy dramatically wiped his brow and said . " So it 's all right if I kiss her ? " He stood beside me and leaned in to kiss my lips . I stood frozen , and probably would have let him kiss me , but he stopped at the last moment and sent me a wink . Then he asked me , " How much is your cousin worth ? If you want us to jump all - the - way - over - him , we might need some motivation . " Dang ! With everyone watching , I scrounged through my purse and found that my smallest chunk of change happened to be a twenty - dollar - bill . I handed it over , and he got the crowd to cheer for me while I smiled politely and gave Miguel a thumbs - up . After that , they added another man to the line , which now made five people in a row to jump over . Then they did their little thing and asked for more donations . I didn 't see how they planned to jump over all these tall guys and the kid , but what did I know ? They did their little spiel and gathered several more bills . At this point it looked like they had close to three - hundred dollars . Not bad for half an hour . Finally , they said it was time to do the jump . It was a good thing , since most people were ready to move on by then . Anyway , they made the girl and boy stand off to the side . Then they asked the four guys to face sideways and touch their toes . Not all of them could do that , but a few got pretty close . With the line of men all hunched over and standing close together , the jump seemed a lot more reasonable . Still , that was quite a formidable distance . Starting a countdown , the jumper took his place , then took off running and did a big flip over them , going to his knees on the other side before standing up . From where I stood , the jump looked a little off to me … like he 'd jumped a little crookedly and not exactly right over them , but I wasn 't about to point that out . After he landed , everyone clapped and cheered , and they thanked the crowd as it dispersed . Miguel came to my side , relieved to have that over with , and we started back to our hotel . Anyway … I didn 't feel too bad about losing twenty dollars since it was part of my whole New York experience . Plus , I nearly got kissed by a hot guy … how could I complain about that ? But next time , I think I 'll just get my picture taken with Captain America , like I wanted to in the first place ! Yesterday , I got a call from my friend , Holly . She told me that her husband got her a scooter for her birthday . I think it 's a Vespa . Anyway … I hurried over to see it and maybe take a ride . It was so cute … kind of a lime green color . And the thing I liked most , was that it didn 't have any gears you had to shift , and it was small enough for me to handle . As you know , on a motorcycle , you have to do that whole gear shift thing on the handlebar and with your foot , which can be a little intimidating … at least for me . Plus , the motorcycle that I usually ride is pretty big . If I tried to take that out by myself , I 'm not sure I 'd be strong enough to hold it upright . Still , I 'm sure they have smaller motorcycles that I could try , right ? Plus it might be a good thing to learn how to ride one just in case … you know … something happened . With that in mind , I totally jumped at the chance to try out Holly 's Vespa , just to get a feel for it in a non - threatening way . If I liked it … who knew ? Maybe I 'd want to get one , or try out a smaller - size motorcycle ? She drove it around first and showed me how it worked , driving it up and down the street a few times . Then it was my turn . The handlebars have a brake lever and the one on the right side is the one you pull toward you to make it go . It seemed simple enough , and it kind of reminded me of the wave - runner I took out at the lake a few years ago . I had my two kids on it behind me , and we started out pretty slow . Then the need for speed hit me , and I twisted the handle . We took off and it was great fun , until the kids lost their grip and flew off behind me . Luckily they both had on life jackets , but I didn 't realize they were slowly losing their grip because of the speed , or I would have slowed down … Anyway , I tested the brakes and then twisted the handle and started off . I was going pretty slow , but I veered to the left where there 's a two - foot drop - off from Holly 's driveway to the neighbor 's driveway . I was holding onto the handlebar so tight , that I forgot that I needed to let go in order to stop . I managed to turn the wheel in time to avoid going off the edge , but it was close , and I heard some yelling going on behind me . By then , I had come to the end of the driveway . Luckily , I shifted my hand on the handle . With a deep breath of relief , I slowed in time to look both ways before pulling out and turning up the street . I made it to the top of the street and decided to go around the block , since I wasn 't sure I could turn it around . By the time I 'd made it back around the street , I was starting to get the hang of it . I 'd even managed not to tip over or anything . But my legs were a little shaky from all the excitement . Holly smiled , but it didn 't quite reach her eyes . She reached for the handlebar , thinking how grateful she was that I 'd make it back alive , and that I 'd almost killed her brand - new scooter . She also wasn 't sure she 'd ever let me ride it again . It kind of hurt my feelings . Sure I 'd sort of messed up at the beginning , but I 'd made it all the way around the block just fine . Still , I knew it would take a lot more practice for me to feel totally comfortable riding around on it . That 's when I realized that maybe having a motorcycle of my own wouldn 't be such a good idea after all . I really liked riding on the back much better than driving it myself anyway . Especially when I could wrap my arms around the one person who liked to take me on those rides … yeah … I think it 's safer for everyone if I stick to that plan from now on . As most of you know , I 'm a paid consultant for the police . I help out when they have a difficult case and not much to go on . They don 't know the truth that I can read minds , and I try to keep it that way by telling them I have psychic abilities - like premonitions and such . This works great when they are questioning suspects , mostly because I can pick it up pretty quick if the suspect is guilty . After that , it 's usually easy for me to ask the suspect leading questions that either trick them into admitting their guilt , or trick them into giving away important information that only they would know . This usually freaks them out so bad that they confess to the whole thing . In the process , it makes me look pretty awesome . I was at the precinct waiting for Dimples to arrive , when the chief got the call about a double homicide . Dimples is the only detective who knows the truth about me , and we 've become partners . But since he wasn 't there yet , the chief asked me to go with Detective Bates . Normally , Bates would have refused to take me with him , since he doesn 't like me much . But things have changed in the last couple of months , and he 's more accepting of my psychic abilities . He 's now a believer , since he 's seen first hand how good I am at finding the guilty party . But right then , I wished he still hated me , because I wasn 't sure how I could help at a crime scene . I couldn 't read dead people 's minds , and the killer was probably long gone . But what could I do ? As I stood there with indecision , Bates smiled encouragingly , thinking I hesitated because he hadn 't been very nice to me , but he was willing to let bygones be bygones . Great ! How could I tell him to go without me after that ? " Uh … I 'm not too good with blood . Maybe I 'd better stay here ? " At this point the chief noticed my hesitation and frowned at me , thinking that with my ability , I might pick up something his detectives would miss and they 'd get a jump start on the killer . So why was I hesitating ? Isn 't this what they paid me for ? I let out a relieved breath since Detective Harris is my partner , Dimples . I hoped he didn 't take took long since he could run interference for me if things got tricky . Plus , I didn 't like going out on a case without him . I knew Dimples had my back if something went wrong , and I couldn 't say that about Bates . Bates noticed my white face and thought I was a big wimp . He shook his head thinking it was a mistake to bring me . Sure , I 'd been right a few times , but I didn 't seem to have the mojo to be a real detective . The grudging respect he 'd held for me slipped a few notches . So I offered him a quick nod , and jumped out of the car . I even led the way to the door , but a police officer stopped me from entering , and Bates had to tell her it was okay to let me in . As obnoxious as that was , it restored Bates ' good mood , so I couldn 't be too upset . With misgiving , I took a deep breath and followed him in . The first thing I noticed were the rusty red blood spatters all over the living room wall . Then came the coppery smell of death and the sight of two women 's bodies sprawled out on the floor . I stopped in my tracks , then managed to cover my nose and avert my gaze until I found an out - of - the - way spot near the doorway to the kitchen . I swallowed a few times to keep from throwing up . I hadn 't expected the dead people to be women . Somehow , that made this whole thing worse . I glanced into the kitchen and noticed food on the table along with three place settings . So where was the other person ? Was that person still there ? Was that person the killer ? Letting out a breath of relief , my shoulders slumped and I closed my eyes . Then I heard a sound , like a woman singing . What the freak ? It came from the end of the hall where two doors stood open . I held my breath and peeked inside , letting it out to find the room empty . As I took a step inside the singing stopped , and I caught the scent of roses . Then a picture frame on the dresser toppled over . I inhaled sharply , then squealed with alarm as a hand clamped down on my shoulder . " Whoa ! It 's just me , " Bates said , catching my arms before I hit him . " Didn 't you hear me ? I called your name twice . " " You did ? " My breath came hard and fast . At his nod , I shook my head . " I didn 't hear a thing . But I think you 'd better take a look at whoever 's in that picture frame on the dresser . " His eyes narrowed . He was thinking that maybe my imagination was working overtime . He 'd seen that happen at homicides before , because of the shock of dead bodies and all that blood . But what if there was something to it ? Was it part of my powers at work ? I glanced over his shoulder into the photo of a smiling man wearing a suit and tie . " I don 't know who that is , " I said . " But I think he might be the killer . " I managed to keep my balance and continued toward the car , where I stopped to plant my hands on my knees and lean over to settle my stomach . Sheesh ! That was horrible ! On the other hand , at least it was Bates and not Dimples who 'd been there . Bates wouldn 't question my ability , but Dimples would have had questions that I didn 't want to answer . How could I tell him that sometimes I heard dead people … Of course , since he knew I could read minds , did it really matter ? But this errand didn 't seem so bad . He wanted me to pick up the gift he 'd ordered for Jackie at the diamond jewelry store . Since I was curious to see the expensive gift he 'd bought her , I was happy to do it . He gave me his credit card to pay for everything and sent me on my way . I stopped at the Nut place first and went inside , telling them I was there to pick up the Manetto order . The person at the front desk said she had several orders waiting in the back , and told me it would take a minute to sort through them . Just then , two more people came in wanting their orders , followed by a third . She took all of their names down , and left to find our orders at the same time . A few minutes later she came back with a heavy box . After setting it down , she went back again , repeating the process several times . After everyone else had left , she finally brought up my order and held out her hand for my credit card . I reached for the card in my purse , and came up empty . I checked my coat pockets , but it wasn 't there . My jeans pockets were also empty . Next , I unzipped every little nook and cranny in my purse to check there , but still couldn 't find the damn thing . As panic began to set in , I tried to remember what I 'd done with the card . I knew I 'd had it in my hand when I first entered the shop , so where had it gone ? Maybe I 'd dropped it ? I glanced at the floor , then got down on my hands and knees to see if it was underneath something . " Oh , that 's not good . " She glanced at all the paperwork in front of her and lifted papers up to see if it had ended up on her desk . Then her eyes widened as she remembered that I 'd handed her my card , but she couldn 't remember what she 'd done with it . " I 'll be right back , " she said , making a bee - line for the back room . It wasn 't on the desk , or on the floor , or anywhere else that I could see . So she must have taken it into the back room with her . Just as I started back there , she came out with her eyes round as saucers . " Did you find it ? " she asked . I wasn 't about to go along with that . " Now that I think about it , I 'm pretty sure I gave it to you . So what did you do with it ? " With a startled gasp , she reached in and pulled the card out . " Oh my gosh ! Here it is ! " After apologizing several times , she ran the card and handed me my box , making sure I had the receipt and the card . " Just a minute . " She ran to the back room , then came out with a small box of nuts . " This is for all the hassle . " I made it to the jewelry store , holding the credit card tight in my fist where I wouldn 't lose it . The jeweler recognized me from the last time I 'd been there with Billie when we 'd picked out Dimples ' wedding band . It took him by surprise that I was the one Uncle Joey had called him about . " You 're Shelby ? " he asked . He thought that I sure got around , but maybe that 's why I worked for Uncle Joey . He took out the velvet box containing the necklace and earrings set that Uncle Joey had bought for Jackie and caught my gaze . " Do you want to see it ? " " Sure . " My eyes widened as he opened the box . The set was stunning with a combination of sapphires and diamonds in beautiful white gold . Then he pulled out a couple of smaller boxes . " That 's the one I would have picked for you , " he said , thinking that my husband would be pleased , and he hoped he hadn 't given too much away . Covering his tracks , he went on to explain , " A friend asked me to pick something out for his wife , and she is a lot like you . That 's why I asked . " So today , I decided to stop by Chris ' office and see how things were going . He has this gorgeous new secretary - er - executive assistant , who kind of has the hots for him . Because she sometimes forgets , I 've learned that it 's a good idea to stop by to remind her that my husband is not up for grabs . I exited the elevator and made my way to Chris ' office . I found Elise sitting at her desk with her head down . As I approached , she glanced up with an expression of sadness which quickly changed into a smile for my benefit . She greeted me pleasantly enough , telling me that Chris was in court , but underneath that I picked up that she was barely holding herself together . " Uh … nothing , " she said , lying through her teeth . Her mind went to the results of her LSAT and how she 'd just missed getting a good enough score to go to law school . If only she could get someone to help her study . Maybe if she told Chris , he could help her , and she could take the test again . That way she could spend more one - on - one time with him , and get the help she needed . Win - win . " You could , " she answered . " But he might be an hour or so . " She didn 't really want me around , mostly because it reminded her that Chris was off limits . Just then , Ethan came around the corner with a stack of files . He was a junior associate at the firm and Chris was mentoring him . Ethan had a few secrets of his own , and one was a connection to the district attorney 's office . They wanted him to snitch on Chris in order to get to Uncle Joey . " Mrs . Nichols , " Ethan said . " Nice to see you . " He knew that I 'd told him several times to call me Shelby , but he just couldn 't do it . My presence also reminded him that Chris was a good guy with a great family , and guilt swamped over him that he was supposed to spy on Chris . He wished there was a way out of that . She stared at me , thoroughly confused at how I knew , then swallowed and glanced at Ethan . " Uh … I already took it , but I didn 't pass . I know all this stuff , but taking timed tests just freaks me out . " Ethan nodded , thinking that he 'd been trying to figure out a way to talk to Elise outside of the office . Maybe helping her would get him a date . " I could help you , if you 'd like . I got a pretty good score and maybe you just need a good coach . " Elise nodded , then smiled at him . He was cute in his own way , and spending time with him might be fun . Not as great as with Chris … but Ethan was a smart guy and knew his stuff . " That would be great . " Now Elise had someone besides Chris to focus on , and Ethan might be distracted with her enough to forget about spying on Chris for a while . I always liked it when things went right for a change . Now if only I could count on that happening all the time ! Sheesh ! After everything I 've been through lately , you 'd think I 'd learn , right ? I mean , I 've been scared more than a few times in my life , but never like this ! Let me start at the beginning . My son , Josh , asked me if I 'd take him and his friends to a Halloween - themed haunted house . I should have known it would be bad with the name " The Haunting House , " but I know just as well as the next person , that it 's all make - believe . Still , I don 't like people jumping out at me in the dark . Needless to say , Josh and his friends kind of ganged up on me to go . It helped that they thought I was the coolest mom ever , and would be even cooler if I went in with them . How could I say no to that ? After a lot of energetic persuasion from them , I finally gave in , and told Josh and his friends that I 'd take them , as long as it wasn 't too scary . We arrived at the house around six - thirty and got in a line that snaked around and down the street . By the time we got to the gate , I found the house wasn 't at all what I pictured . In fact , even though it was on a major street , it was basically a normal two - story old Victorian - looking mansion . There weren 't any decorations or people dressed up in costumes , so what was the draw ? That 's when the kids started talking about how this house was supposed to be haunted for real . That raised my blood pressure real fast , and I started to panic . Oh crap ! In my line of work , I 'd actually picked up a few voices from the great beyond , so if it was really haunted , I could be in trouble . Too bad I 'd already paid a hefty entrance fee , or I might have backed out . Just then , our group of four , plus six more people in the line were allowed through the front gate . With a sense of impending disaster , I followed the boys to the front porch and met our guide . I listened real close to his thoughts while he explained the history of the house , trying to pick up if he actually believed it , or if he was reciting from a script . He wove a story that this home was over one hundred and fifty years old , and had been built by a wealthy merchant . One night the whole family had been murdered by the merchant 's angry partner , who was tried and hung a week later . In the aftermath , the city took possession , and turned it into an orphanage . The orphanage functioned for twenty years before it was shut down , but by then , it had earned the reputation of being haunted with all kinds of spooky happenings . The first room we entered was the living room with a fireplace and furnishings circa the late 1800 's . The lights flickered , and the fireplace burst into flames , but that was all part of the scheme . The guide did a good job of acting a little scared , which built up the pretense . From there , we followed him into the dining room where the table was set for six people . A tablecloth hung nearly to the ground , so when the table shook , rattling the plates , it wasn 't hard to guess that someone was under there . Our guide backed away like it scared him , but it was all part of the act . We skipped the kitchen , thank goodness , and he led us up the stairs , telling us how the family had all been killed while sleeping in their beds . He said their rooms ; especially that of the sixteen - year - old daughter , was where most of the paranormal activity had been recorded . He saved that room for last , and took us through the other bedrooms first . The parent 's room was dark , with only two small lights coming from the bedside tables . As he spoke about the wife , a small breeze caressed my check , carrying the smell of roses . I swallowed and glanced around the room . It came again and my breath caught . " Did you smell that ? " I asked . " That rose smell ? " Everyone turned my way with rounded eyes , and I did a mental head - slap . Oops . Everyone sniffed , and a girl nodded , agreeing that she could smell it too . I let out my breath with relief , and found the guide staring at me . He was wondering if I was a plant by the owner , because nothing like that had ever happened before . Had I sprayed that perfume ? Shaking his head , he continued the tour and took us into the children 's rooms . I held my breath , hoping nothing else crazy happened . The rocking chair in the corner began to move , but that was staged , as well as a toy that fell from a shelf . Still , it scared the crap out of me . Our last stop was the teenager 's room , and I realized I was hanging onto Josh 's arm pretty tight , and couldn 't seem to let go . Our guide opened the door to the room , and a blast of cold air hit me in the face . Everyone felt it , and our guide explained that the cold meant there was likely a ghost inside the room . But not to worry , no one had ever been harmed by this ghost . He led the way inside we all followed behind with fear and trembling . There was just enough room for us to crowd around the side of the small bed . The room was dimly lit , just like the rest had been , and it was freezing . Luckily , I knew that was part of the act , but it still made my heart race . He told us about the girl , and how many of the orphans had heard her singing at night . Then he asked us to all be quiet and listen carefully , while he asked the ghost to sing for us . It reminded of the phantom saying , " sing for me , " in Phantom of the Opera . I would have laughed , but the whole thing was freaking me out . In the dark , all pandemonium broke loose . Amid the frightened screams I got pushed against the bed and fell onto the mattress , right onto a hard body . I tried to get away , but found an arm clamped tightly around my waist . In desperation , I grabbed my stun flashlight from my purse and pushed the on - switch for the light , only I got it wrong , and pushed the stunner instead . It crackled with green light and caught the guy in the arm . He let out a strangled yelp before collapsing on the bed , pulling me down on top of him . Just then the lights came back on and everyone froze . I pushed off the guy , recognizing him as part of our group who was there with a cute girl . I scanned the room for Josh , and found him jerking guiltily away from the same cute girl , who he 'd been holding onto rather tightly . Lucky for me , the guy started to blink and moan right away . Soon , he was sitting up , wondering what had happened . By then , everyone had gathered around the bed , and we all let out relieved sighs that he was all right . In sheer panic , everyone high - tailed it out of there . Even the kid I 'd zapped lurched out like his pants were on fire . Not me . I started laughing . I just couldn 't help it . What a prank she 'd pulled ! Josh came back and grabbed my arm to drag me out of there . He was thinking that I 'd lost it , and that sobered me up pretty quick . So from now on , I 'm swearing off haunted houses . The next time my kids want to do anything even remotely insane like that , they can find someone else to take them . I have enough on my plate without adding ghosts , even if they do have a wicked sense of humor . Helping the police has always been a little nerve - wracking , mostly because the local mob - boss , Uncle Joey , doesn 't like it much . So I try to keep a low profile when I 'm helping my partner , Dimples , or I should say , Detective Harris , solve a difficult case . Since Dimples knows my secret that I can read minds , we make a good team . I also feel like it eases my conscience to help out the good guys once in a while , since I 'm sort of obligated to help the bad guys out the rest of the time . This can sometimes be a little tricky , but I do my best to keep things on the low - down . Even so , things can get complicated . Like today . We were the first to arrive , and Dimples told me to stay in the car , while he jumped out to run inside and save the day . Naturally , I couldn 't let him run into danger like that if I could help . So , much to his consternation , I quickly followed . Since there wasn 't time to argue , he just swore a blue streak in his mind , and continued up the steps with me right behind him . Then I caught that he wished I wasn 't there , since he 'd have to worry about my safety , and it kind of hurt my feelings . I mean , seriously , I can read minds … that 's a huge help , and it can also keep me safe since I 'll know what 's coming ahead of time , right ? His underlying desperation hit me first , but his thoughts didn 't make a lot of sense . The harder I listened , the more I realized I could hear three distinct voices all trying to talk at the same time . They were arguing about doing whatever it took to get what he needed . One was pushing him to put the gun down , but another was arguing to use it to get them to listen to him . It scared me so bad , I jerked out of his head . " He 's crazy . " At Dimples ' raised brows , I continued . " I mean , literally … he needs his medication . Wait … that 's what this is all about . He has no insurance and can 't pay so he came here to get help . At least that 's what it sounds like . " " I don 't know … " I listened to the different voices and thought I just might go crazy . Then I caught it . " I don 't think the gun 's loaded . " Knowing I didn 't have much time , I caught Dimples ' gaze , then took a deep breath and walked around the corner . " Hey Benny , it 's Shelby . I 've got your meds for you . " He turned around , pinning me with his startled gaze , and raising his gun in my direction . " Uh … Jerry wants you to put the gun down now . He says everything 's going to be all right . But you have to put the gun down first . You should listen to Jerry and not Cindy . Jerry 's got the right idea . He doesn 't want anyone to get hurt , and I don 't think you do either . " Dimples rushed in and kicked the gun away before pulling Benny 's arms behind his back and cuffing him . All at once , police officers came out of the woodwork and surrounded us . They had Benny subdued before I could blink . That 's when I realized that with Benny 's focus on me , all the hostages had taken off . I let out a breath , grateful it was over , and a little wigged out by the whole thing . And now I had to worry about the unwanted attention that was sure to come my way . " You did this , not me , " I whispered . " I 'll meet you at the car . " I turned around to get out of there before someone stopped me . Luckily , I made it to the car before I heard my name . Cringing , I turned to find Billie Jo rushing my way , and knew it was time to lie my head off . " Oh hey Billie , Dimples saved the day in there . You should go talk to him . " After asking me a couple of questions , she high - tailed it up the steps and I breathed a sigh of relief . That was close , and I thanked my lucky stars that the hostages and the police didn 't witness my conversation with Benny . At least I sure hoped not . Lately , I 've been contemplating getting those fake eyelashes that they glue onto your own eyelashes . Mostly because , as I mentioned in my last post , all my friends had done it , and they looked pretty great . Of course , I already have naturally long lashes , but without mascara , they 're pretty much invisible . Which brings me to wonder how much easier it would be to have the fake ones . Looking good all the time without putting on mascara sounds awesome . That seems like a big commitment to me , but her lashes looked so amazing , that I 'm really tempted . But is the cost and maintenance worth it ? She absolutely loves it , so it definitely is for her . I 'd almost made up my mind to do it , but then I remembered something that happened to me not too long ago . I broke out in hives all over my neck and face from a new face cream I was using . I 'd ended up at the doctor 's office , needing a shot and a few days on steroid pills because of my allergies . Since I 'd heard similar horror stories about people having an allergic reaction to the glue that was used on the lashes , it made me wonder if that would happen to me . I could just imagine how bad I 'd look with swollen eyes no amount of benadryl could cure . My doctor would probably think I was pretty stupid to even try it , which would mean I couldn 't go to him for help . And I 'd just have to live with it until all my eyelashes fell out . How would I look then ? Just thinking about it sent chills of terror down my spine , so … I think I 'll just stick to mascara for now . It may take a few minutes to put on , and run down my face at inopportune times , but at least I 'll avoid the trouble of something even worse . I mean , if there 's something I 've learned lately , it 's that if anything bad might happen to me , it probably will . Knowing that , it would be irresponsible to even try it . So I think I 'll wait . Who knows what they might come up with in a few years anyway , right ? The drill goes like this : We start out by getting updates on what everyone 's doing in their lives . This is accomplished by going around the table so everyone gets a chance to talk about themselves . That 's when we get to hear about the cruises , trips , new cars , houses , and what activities the children are involved in , and how smart they are . Then we usually end with the latest gossip about other people we know . Pretty standard , right ? Anyway , it just so happened that I was free on the night of the scheduled dinner . And in a moment of weakness , I told them I 'd be there . That 's how I ended up in the restaurant , surrounded by six other women whom I 'd known since grade school , but hadn 't talked to in almost a year . When it got to me , I decided to tell them about my consulting agency . I picked up curiosity , and a lot of astonishment , that I had the guts to do something like that . They had a ton of questions for me about what kinds of cases I 'd worked on . Mostly because they didn 't quite believe I was telling the truth , or that I was totally legitimate . So naturally , I took the bait , and told them about the case where I 'd helped a young woman find her mother who 'd been missing for ten years , but whom I found out had actually been killed by a serial killer . That got their attention , and they listened with astonishment to the whole story , amazed that I got out alive . And who was this Ramos person ? ( I 'd sort of glossed over that part , since I couldn 't exactly tell the truth . But I had to say something about him . I mean , how could I leave him out when he 'd saved my life ? ) By the end of our dinner , I had their grudging respect , but they also didn 't want me to think I was too high and mighty for them . So they took what I said with a grain of salt , not quite believing all of it . ( Mostly the Ramos part . ) Still , as we left , I had a strong desire for Ramos to show up on his motorcycle and take me for a ride , just to prove it was all real . That would show them , right ? Plus , they 'd probably all die of jealousy . Dang . I hoped that didn 't make me a bad person . It might also mean that I 'd better keep my mouth shut next time . With as much trouble as I seem to get into , it 's probably a good idea . |
I really didn 't think I liked writing , but I started this journal because I was in a bad place and it helped me get through some rough times . But that doesn 't atone for what I did , so reading my journal now , I realize I have to set some things right , not just for myself , but for my family and for Laura . I guess I owe them an explanation , and even more so , an apology . I messed up . A lot . I made some bad choices , and even worse mistakes , which almost ruined my life . It 's hard to put a ' starting ' point to all of this because a lot of it has been going on my whole life . It comes down to , then , a matter of what is really relevant to what I need to say . I guess I could start with my parent 's divorce a year and a half ago . She found out he was cheating on her on March 17th , the day before my seventeenth birthday . I 'm not trying to get sympathy for myself , I just want to make it clear that the divorce was the reason we moved last summer . Everything happened so fast . After the divorce , I gave up on Grade Eleven and barely passed the year - I think the teachers felt sorry for me . I didn 't get a summer because my mom decided it would be better if we moved far away from Washington , and from dad . So move we did . I always wanted to go to California , and so I wasn 't feeling too bad about this move . My mom bought a house in a place called Gold Beach , Santa Barbara . I 'd never heard of it before , so I didn 't know what to expect . I guess it 's good that I didn 't get my hopes up , because Gold Beach proved to be the shabbiest town in America . It was only about forty minutes from the coast , and a beautiful beach , which was a definite plus - but probably the only one . The town itself had just under ten thousand people . I moved from Washington , DC , so it was definitely a drastic change . It also felt very old … there were no modern looking buildings , only one movie theatre - which happened to be over fifty years old with the smallest screens - and not much else for entertainment . Even before the divorce I was very pessimistic and got into lots of fights with my mom , but in the months that followed our family 's tragedy , things only escalated . By the time we got to Gold Beach , the stresses of the divorce , almost failing school , leaving my friends behind and moving to this dump of a town had all boiled up inside me and I couldn 't take it anymore . I tried to not get frustrated with Brett , my twelve year old brother , or Sherry , our nine year old sister , but I did take a lot of it out on mom . It got to the point where I felt like our relationship was beyond repair . It 's August and we 're only now finished settling in to our little brown house . The weather is still beautiful so I 'm hoping I might be able to enjoy my last few days before school starts , seeing as I wasted my summer cleaning our new house and moving all my families ' shit around . You 'd think my siblings were invalids - they couldn 't do anything for themselves and it seemed I was always helping them with something and I never got any time to myself . Mom 's been home even less lately . She 's working so much because she ' can 't afford the bills ' so she ' has to work all this overtime ' and will need me ' to be a good brother and son and take on some extra rolls around the house ' . Screw that . My life already sucks , so why should I have to suffer any more for her mistakes . I haven 't had the chance to make any friends here , so I just know I 'm going to end up at school on the first day looking like a fucking loser . No one 's going to want to talk to the ' new kid ' . And I 've only gone to the beach twice all summer , and both times Brett and Sherry came with me . It 's really hard to try and check out all the hot girls when you 've got these two , innocent children with you . Makes me look like the role model brother . I don 't want to be the role model brother . If they weren 't around , I 'd wear my trunks a little lower and try to flirt my way into the sun - bathing glory of some beach goddess . Obviously that didn 't happen . That 's why I 'm stuck at home cleaning up these supper dishes . Why do I have to do all this ? Brett 's more than old enough to wash some goddamn dishes . But if I mention this to mom , she just gets mad . I mean , Brett does help a little and he always cleans the table . He also picks up any crap lying about , because if there 's any crap lying about when mom gets home - even if it 's her crap - she 'll get mad and find a way to blame me . I can 't really be mad at the little man , though . He does help , he sticks up for me if mom 's being ridiculous , he 's my bro and we 're buds . The last couple days have been pretty nice , too . Sherry 's know - it - all personality has been less annoying and mom being gone more means less time we have to be around each other pretending everything 's okay . I 'm trying to forget all this crap anyway . What 's really on my mind is school . I 'm kind of nervous about it . Back home in Washington , everyone liked me . I had my friends already . But here … I don 't know what to expect . It 's a small school too , only a few hundred students I guess . Will they all have their tight little groups and won 't want to hang with me ? I 'm trying not to get worked up about it , but it 's frustrating . I don 't want to have to make new friends … how will I know which guys are cool ? I don 't want to end up with some losers for friends . My thoughts explored all these possibilities , and more , as I finished the dishes . By then , Sherry and Brett were watching TV - mom wouldn 't care if they 're up a little later because it 's not a school night - so I went down to my room , which is in the basement . It 's nice down here . Quiet . My world where no one bothers me . Brett and Sherry sleep across the hall from each other upstairs , by mom 's room . The TV is upstairs , too . The basement ? That 's my place . It 's nice to just relax in my room , put on some music and forget about all this other crap going on . But tonight , I changed my usual routine . Mom used to send me to counselors , thinking it would help me deal with the divorce . The only thing I really remember is one telling me that if I write down my frustrations , it will help me to not get so stressed about them . I never tried it , until tonight , and it 's kind of nice . I feel a little better , even though I didn 't write down too much dirt on mom , or dad for that matter . I did sneak get to sneak in my excitement about school , too . This anticipation for school made the next two days go by rather quickly . My mind was much too occupied on school to fret over any stresses , and so the days passed without any major incidents with mom - thank God , because sometimes she just annoys the hell out of me . But I don 't think even mom could annoy me this morning . I actually got out of bed early for a change - though I doubt this will last long . I 'm so glad there 's a bathroom in the basement that I can have for myself . The nice part , too , is its right across from my room . Since Brett and Sherry are rarely down here anyways , I don 't have to worry about covering up when I go from my room to the bathroom for a shower . It 's like a little piece of freedom . I showered quick , making sure I have time to shave and throw a little gel in my hair . After , I stopped for a moment to look at my body in the mirror . I was glad to see my six pack and biceps in fine shape . I guess all that work around the house gave me back the definition I started to lose when I stopped working out ( after the divorce ) . I hurried through the rest of the morning and ate a quick cereal bar - which is rare for me to eat anything for breakfast . Mom was going to drive the kids to their first day . She offered me a ride , too , but I can just imagine how that conversation in the car would go . No thanks , I 'd rather walk anyway . " I don 't care how old you are , " she interrupted me quickly . That 's my mother - the mind reader . " I 'm your mother and that gives me the right to call you ' babe ' if I want to . " " Maybe you 'll meet one today , " she said with a smile on her face . Since the divorce , it 's been rare to see her smile . It 's nice that she still can . " A nice one , mind . I 'll see you later tonight . Make sure you come home right away . But don 't worry about picking up your sister , Brett 's going to take care of it . " I guess that now is as good a time as any to make a note of something . As mom had mentioned that morning , I did end up meeting a girl at school . Her name was Laura . And as I 'm sitting here looking back on these days , there 's something I have to make clear . Right now , this story may seem like it 's about me , but I should probably rephrase something I said earlier . This is not my story . This is the story of Laura Ann Wilson , and how she saved my life . Gold Beach Senior High was a little bit smaller than most schools . It was a brown , stone building with a parking lot on one side , a field on a the other , and a set of large doors atop a wide stone staircase of half a dozen or so steps was front and center on the building . Basically , just like every other school , and it looked just as boring , lame and so not cool . There was a group of guys smoking in the parking lot , a couple girls sitting beside each other one of the front steps and a several more laughing and talking around the bike rack out front . As I approached the school , I felt as if everyone 's eyes were on me . Watching the new kid . In a town this small and a school with fewer students than my entire Grade Eleven class , of course they knew who everyone was . Everyone except me . Now they 're all staring at me like I 'm some Goddamn freak show in a circus . I shouldn 't have come here . Not today . Look at these morons - how could I possibly ever think to make any friends here ? I passed the group by the bike rack and , as soon as I did , I heard not - so quiet whispers accompanied by not - so inconspicuous laughter . Great . What a way to end the summer . It 's bad enough I have to go to this stupid school - My mind froze for a minute , everything kind of stopped . I had to make sure that the question was directed at me . When I looked over to who asked it , I saw a lone girl rising from one of the steps where she had been sitting and reading a book . Usually , if a girl 's into books , she gets crossed of my ' list ' , but there was something about her . She had straight , brown hair , an ordinary face without any make up and dark glasses resting on her little nose . Her blue jeans and green blouse were rather plain . Overall , she looked normal . Yet , there was something - " Oh , yeah … funny . " Funny ? That 's the best reply I have , really ? Who is this girl anyway … she seems like a total nerd . I 'd probably fit in much better with those good - looking guys and their hot girlfriends in the parking lot . So then , why do I suddenly feel so nervous ? Must be the new school . " Yes to the first and no to the second , " I replied , getting my thoughts in order . I looked back at the guys in the parking lot , with their cigarettes and ' don 't give a shit ' attitudes . They were all staring back at me as if they were scientists and I was some lab experiment gone wrong . I quickly turned back to look at the girl . " So , how 's this hell hole ? " I noticed , just for a second , a momentary flinch in her eye as if she was taken aback by what I said . Okay , miss goody - two shoes , it was just ' hell ' . " Oh , " she said , glancing over at them . " I would stay away from them , " she advised . " They 're into drugs and other stuff . " " Ah , " I said , feeling a little awkward . Who cares about drugs ? Everyone has their own ways of having fun , and it 's all about having fun . Not for this chick , though . I guess she must be the teacher 's pet . I wanted to say thanks for the advice and walk away , but what came out was : " What 's your name ? " What the hell ? She 's clearly not my type . She looks like she doesn 't know how to have fun … probably doesn 't drink . What am I doing ? First day of school and I 'm talking with one of those losers I didn 't want to meet . So why is it so hard for me to just walk away ? " Darren , " I told her as I was fixed on her smile . The curve of her humble mouth was … different than most girls . Laura was very unassuming . I think , even from this small talk , Laura would be the kind of girl mom would want me to meet . I guess that 's why it 's so hard for me to decide how I thought about her . Was she cool , or fun ? I don 't know . It 's like a ' take it or leave it ' situation . Right now she 's about as close to a friend as I have in this town , so I guess I better take ' it ' before ' it ' leaves me . " Class starts pretty quick , " Laura said , glancing at her watch . She looked back at me through the lenses of her ordinary glasses . " What class do you have first ? " " Chemistry . " I spent a small portion of last night memorizing my schedule . I didn 't want to look like a dork carrying around my ' timetable ' . I just hope I can find the classrooms because I didn 't want be even dorkier carrying around a stupid map of the place , which is why I opted not to grab one at registration . Not even the freshies were grabbing maps . Laura laughed , a delicate , quiet laugh that was almost cute . " There 's only one chemistry teacher at Gold Beach . Mr . Bins is kind of off his rocker , just to warn you . " " Whatever , " I said . What sounded cool around my old friends back in Washington just sounded stupid around Laura . " Not like I care that much about the class . " " Oh , " she said through parsed lips . Apparently she didn 't like my attitude . Now I remember why I didn 't like girls like Laura - they act just like my damn mother . " Well , should we head to class ? " she asked me after a few seconds of awkward silence . I sighed . I didn 't want to go to class . I felt like I had no summer , now this garbage all over again ? Screw this . " Yeah , might as well get this bullshit over with . " Chemistry class was a drag . Mr . Bins looked a nerd , acted like a moron and tried to be funny but it was really , really lame . I was sure glad to get out of that class . Especially since Laura wouldn 't even speak to me in class . I 'd try and tell her something or make a joke about the ridiculous teacher , and she would tell me to be quiet . Laura had calculus next , so thank God I had history . It was nice to sit at the back of the room this time , where I could much easier pull off not paying attention . The desk in front of me as well as the one to my right were empty , and remained so even as class started . Not really much opportunity to make friends , nor jokes about the teacher . That changed when two guys walked into room and started heading for the empty desks around me . They were the only two empty desks that were relatively close together and so , naturally , the friends wanted to sit together . Before they got to their seats , though , Mr . Brody stopped his " Introduction to History " speech to call on the guys . " Mister Daniels . Mister Redfield . " Mr . Brody was clearly unimpressed . " First day of class and you 're late ? That 's a bad habit starting too soon . " He smelt the air in the room , and he looked even less impressed than before . " Speaking of bad habits , smells like you were out polluting your lungs . " The two students slid into the two desks by me , smirks on their faces . A couple other students around the room giggled . Mr . Brody 's genial face did a drastic one - eighty and he now looked positively inflamed . " Do I really have to tell you how bad that stuff is for your body ? It 's revolting , unattractive and anything but ' cool ' . " He paused for a moment and the emotions on his face settled down a little . " I cannot , however , force you to stop this ridiculous habit , but I am telling you now it is no excuse for being late to my class . Are we understood ? " The two guys nodded , but their facial expressions showed just what they were actually thinking . " What a doosh , " Daniels said to his friend . He was sitting in front of me and when he turned to glance at his friend , he seemed to notice me for the first time . " Well , what do we have here ? " he raised his eyebrows at his friend who started to laugh silently . " How could you tell ? " I said back as I realized that these guys were part of the group hanging out in the parking lot before school . Maybe I could finally meet some likeminded friends . " Kay , so we knew you weren 't from around here , " Alex said . " But we didn 't know you were so desperate for friends . " His chiselled cheeks , practically perfect jaw and dark eyes seemed to dig at me , as if he was examining and taunting me for the few seconds before he turned back to face the front of the classroom . " Yeah , " John whispered through small lips . He had almost grey coloured eyes , blonde hair and a blasé expression on his handsome face . No wonder they have such hot girls hanging around them . " We saw you talking to the ' Librarian ' . " John 's whispered voice snapped me back to the classroom , stopping my mind from wandering , as it often did . " What the hell are you talking about ? What are you smoking ? " Were these guys just screwing with me ? I didn 't go to the Library . Why would I ever go to the Library ? Me and books don 't really go . " Laura , " Alex whispered out the side of his mouth . Mr . Brody was too entranced in his own lecture he didn 't even notice us talking , which was good . I liked stupid , oblivious teachers . " Yeah man , " Alex was saying to me . " Laura 's like a freakin ' geek . She 's into books and studying and all that shit . That 's why we call her the ' Librarian ' . That , and she 's got like no friends . " John laughed , sure to keep his volume on low . " You look like the kind of guy who likes to have fun . " He paused for a moment and I felt his eyes on me , examining me like Alex had . He gave a nod to Alex , and the continued . " Laura 's idea of fun is a night in studying . She probably wouldn 't know a beer or cigarette if it hit her in the face . " I think I like these guys . They remind me a lot of a couple friends I had back in Washington . Man , I really miss those guys . We had some good times . " Why not , " I said . " Not like I have anything better to do . " It took them a few seconds to realize I was joking , and they both chuckled . The cafeteria felt so … small . Was this really all the kids in the whole school ? It took me a minute to realize that this was really it . I guess when you 're just sitting in class you don 't realize how small the place actually is . It was kind of freaky , in a way . I felt like everyone knew everyone else 's face and I should , too . But I didn 't . I just paid for my food - a slice of pizza , a banana and a carton of chocolate milk - and grabbed my tray off the counter . I turned around to look at the cafeteria , and realized I was just standing there like a moron looking at boobs for the first time . Well , it wasn 't really my own realization . What actually snapped me out of it was someone calling my name . I turned around and saw Alex waving his hand at me . " Man , get over here , " he said , with an almost demanding tone . " Saved you a seat , bro ! " I nodded as I sat down across from him . " Thanks man , " I said , glancing around at the table . John was beside me , I realized , so I casually nodded to him . There were a couple other guys , one on each side of Alex , and some girls - the same ones from the parking lot - a little farther down the table . " So , Darren , " Alex said to get my attention . He noticed my eyes were wandering . " This is Connor , " he said pointing to the brown - haired , blue - eyed guy on his left . He shot a thumb towards the guy on his right , a really slim , orange - haired guy . " This is Dave . " " Washington , " I told him as I opened up my chocolate milk carton . I took a sip and savoured it for a second before I swallowed . I really loved chocolate milk . " D . C . Washington , D . C . " " Yeah , yeah , we got it . " Alex was half smiling as he gulped back some juice from a plastic bottle . " So , why 'd you move here ? " I shrugged , not sure what to say at first . Waiting till I swallowed my bite of pizza , I decided just to say it as it was . " My parents divorced . My dad was having an affair and mom wanted to move away from him . " I shrugged again . " I guess so . " I didn 't know what else to say and apparently I wasn 't very good at making first impressions . " It 's nice here . Warm . " They all started laughing , and John filled me in on why . " We all got so wasted . It was awesome . " Again , they laughed . I was trying to remember the last time I was drinking . It was definitely before the move . " Maybe her lack of a boyfriend is finally starting to get to her , " John suggested . " Or just a friend at all . " He pointed a finger over to the corner closest to us . I looked over , shoving the last of my pizza in my mouth as I did . Trying to chew it all down , I saw here sitting at a table by herself in the corner . Laura . She had a textbook out she was reading from , and a notebook she was writing in . It was such a pathetic way to spend lunch , but I figured it was probably her own fault she had no friends . So why did I feel so sorry for her ? " Sounds to me like Dave here has a hard on for Laura , " Alex jabbed . He leaned over and looked down , pretending to stare at Dave 's crotch . " Looks like it , too . " That 's when I lost it , too , starting to laugh with the rest of them . The girls at the table , who I still hadn 't been introduced to , looked unimpressed and I could 've sworn I heard one mutter " boys " . I 'm not sure why , maybe because I thought these guys were cool , maybe I thought they were funny , but I wanted to join in . " I doubt she 's a very naughty librarian , though , " I said , which sent the others into obnoxious laughter . Eating , talking and laughing with these guys really made me forget that it felt like the whole cafeteria was watching me . It didn 't matter as much anymore , and I was hoping they 'd want to be friends with me . After all the crap this summer , it 'd sure be nice to have some friends again . As our laughter was slowly subsiding , I turned my head to glance at Laura once again . I 'm not sure why , but as soon as I did I regretted it . For just a brief moment our eyes met across the cafeteria and , for that moment , I felt a sharp sting of guilt . I didn 't feel like going home right after school was done at three , so I went for a short walk around town . I already knew the place pretty good , but it was nice just to walk and think . I couldn 't believe that only one day of school had gone by ; so much happened today , it 's awesome . I think I 'm going to like Gold Beach . Definitely going to like my new friends today . But they weren 't on my mind so much . I was thinking about what mom said this morning . About me finding a ' nice girl ' , and I keep thinking Laura is the kind of girl she would want me to be friends with . I didn 't want to be friends with Laura . Or was I just telling myself that ? If I really didn 't want to be friends with Laura , why am I not able to stop thinking about her ? I tried to clear my head before heading home . I didn 't want to have to dwell on any of this tonight . Or ever . I tried to not let things bother me , or worry me , but sometimes I can 't help it . By the time I got home - shortly after four - Brett and Sherry were already home . I barely got in the door before I heard Brett 's voice from the coach in the living room . " Where 've you been ? " I walked into the living room and dropped my backpack on the floor . Sherry wasn 't in the room . I assumed that she was probably in her bedroom . Besides , I didn 't really care where she was . Brett turned his attention away from the television and stared at me , feigning an unimpressed look on his face . " I thought you 're school ends at three . Where 'd you go for an hour ? " Brett shook his head . " Man , I really just want to know if you stayed behind with a girl . To , you know , " study " . " His face was overtaken by a sheepish grin and he started to giggle . " Is that all you think about ? " I asked him , falling down on the black coach beside him . It was true , though . He was always talking about girls . How he wanted a girlfriend or how just how great they are . I mean I get that 's he 's just starting puberty and the girls are … developing . But was I this horny and excited at twelve years old ? God I don 't even know . " Really , Darren ? " Brett asked me , this time his boyish voice was free of sarcasm . " Of course that 's all I think about . There 's nothing else worth thinking about . " " You think they 're hot now ? Wait a few years . " I figured that would get him going , which was funny to see , and it did . I had to laugh . He really was obsessed . I wasn 't this bad , was I ? No way I was . I reached over and punched him playfully on the shoulder . " Come on , man . Keep it in your pants . I don 't want to be an uncle yet ! " Brett looked at me , his face showing a mixture between a smile and a look of shock . " And you say I 'm bad ? " Then , without warning , he jumped up so he was standing on the couch and dived at me like a suicide bomber . I caught Brett half - way , pulled him back down to his seat and put him in a headlock . He started to laugh as I started to squeeze . The tighter I squeezed my arms around his neck , the more he was giggling . His thin arms were flailing wildly until , finally , I let go . He was laughing for a few seconds as I fell back into my spot on the couch , until he punched me in the gut . It wasn 't very hard , but I cried out anyway and we both started laughing . It had been a long time since we 'd had any fun together . A very long time . Last time we wrestled like that was more than a few years ago . " That was fun , " Brett said as he sat back down . " But weird . " He looked at me with an expression of curiosity that I was very familiar with . " You 've been different lately . " I tapped him on the shoulder , trying to encourage him to talk . " Come on , you can tell me . " My eyes met his and I nodded my assurance . " I 'm your brother , man . We 're buds . You can tell me if you want . " He looked at me with a sudden sadness in his eyes . I wasn 't sure exactly where it came from , but a had some pretty good guesses . " Since dad left , you 've been different . I don 't know how . And I know you and mom don 't get along . " Oh , this was what he wanted to talk about . Great ! " It 's just a lot to deal with , " I tried to explain . " Lots of stress and sometimes stuff happens . Me and mom fight just to relieve the stress . " " Brett , please , " I started , trying to find the right way to phrase what I wanted to say . " It 's not mom 's fault . She can say whatever the hell she wants . I 've been a dick to her . I know that . " It was definitely hard for me to say , but I had to . If not for me , then for Brett . " It 's just a stress reaction . A lot going on and I take it out on mom sometimes . " Brett nodded . I think he understood . Everyone was stressed from the divorce , but it bothered me so much more . Maybe because I was older and I 've been in relationships before ? I don 't know . I could tell though , from the expression on his face , that Brett wasn 't finished . " Yeah , man , " I said , nodding . " Anything . You know I 'll tell you the truth . " I would , too . Just for him . Brett really was a good brother , and he deserved to know the answer to any question he wanted to ask . " Earlier this year , when we still lived in Washington , " Brett started . I noticed he was fidgeting with his fingers . Why was he nervous ? " One night , you were out , mom was on the phone with Aunt Carrie . I was supposed to be in bed , but I couldn 't sleep and wanted some water . I got halfway down the stairs when I heard mom talking on the phone . I knew I wasn 't supposed to hear , so I didn 't want mom to know I was up . " He finally looked at me , a little guiltily . " I knew I should 've just gone back to bed , but I sat there and listened because she was talking about you . " " You don 't have to feel bad for that , " I said , feeling a little sick . My stomach felt like it was turning and my mind was running through all the different things she could have possibly . " If it 's something I did , it 's my fault , not yours for overhearing . " " Mom just said some stuff about you and your friends that I couldn 't believe . " Oh shit . I could feel my stomach work against me . What did he hear ? I tried to not let my nerves show as I waited for him to finish . " She said you and your friends liked to drink a lot and party and … . " he looked away again , and he looked to be in deep concentration , like he was contemplating telling me or not . " She said you guys did drugs , too . " And there it was . It was like someone stabbed a knife in my side . Now it was me who couldn 't look Brett in the eyes . I tried to find the words to speak , but nothing came . I didn 't know what to say , and I felt awful that he had to hear that . I mean , I wasn 't a druggie . I smoked a few joints , is all . There were a couple times when it maybe got out of hand , but just a couple . I didn 't even know mom knew … " So you did do it , then ? " Brett asked me when I hadn 't answered for nearly a minute . " I thought it wasn 't true . " " No , man , " I said right away as the guilt I was feeling increased . What kind of role model am I ? A downright shitty one , no doubt . But now I better tell him . I can 't lie to him . " Listen , Brett . " I finally found the courage to look back into his eyes and all I saw was a helpless look . I felt like I betrayed him . " Stuff happens , alright . " I had to take a deep breath , hoping it was going to calm me down . I could feel my hands shaking , vibrating on my legs . " It was only a couple times . When I was really down and I thought there was no way I 'd be happy again . I was never addicted , or anything . It was only a couple of times . " When he looked at me after I spoke , I couldn 't tell if he was upset with me or feeling sorry for me . I really hoped it was neither . I don 't want him to be mad with me , but I 'd rather have him angry than feeling sorry for me . I don 't need anyone 's pity . " You don 't do it anymore , do you ? " " No man , " I told him , putting on a fake smile . " Not since we moved . " It was true . I didn 't have any friends who smoked . I wonder if Alex and those guys do ? " Darren , " Brett said , interrupting my thoughts . Why was I so easily distracted these days ? My thoughts always seem to be wandering on nothing in particular . " I want you to promise me , Darren , that you won 't do it again . " His face was stern . Whenever I forgot how old he was getting , it was moments like this that reminded just how mature he was . I took a deep breath . Promise him ? What if Alex smokes ? I 'll look like a loser if I turn it down . Shit . Whatever , Brett 's right . " You know what , man ? We have a promise . " " Really ? " Brett 's face lit up and the smile returned . I was glad that he was glad , and I tried not to think about Alex . My brother is more important than some guy I don 't even know . " Good , " Brett continued to say . " ' Cause that shit is bad for you . " " Oh like you never swear , man ! " Brett argued . He had a good point . Guess I 'm not much of a role model . " And , come on . I 'm in Grade 8 now . Everyone talks like this at school . " " Really ? " I asked . Really ? Did we start swearing that young , too ? I can still remember when we used to swear just because it was cool . " Just a little , " Brett said , nodding . " The other kids swear way more than me . I think every second word out of their mouths is ' fuck ' . " Again , what ? Fuck ? Where is this coming from ? Where 'd my brother go ? " Okay man . I can 't really lecture you on swearing because , well , obvious reasons . No one wants to be a hypocrite . " That got him laughing again and made me smile . " But , " I said , raising a finger , " don 't let mom hear you or she 'll rip you a new one . " " Yeah , I know , " Brett sighed . " Besides , I only feel like swearing when I 'm at school . It was the same back in Washington . I guess I just wanted to fit it . " " There 's nothing wrong with not fitting in , " I told him . That 's when I realized , though , that the people who don 't ' fit in ' are the same people I always say are losers . What 's gotten into me lately ? Why do I care so much about all of this crap ? " No matter what people think of you at school , you 'll always be my brother and you 'll always be my buddy . " " Thanks for feeding your siblings , Darren . " Mom was standing with me in the kitchen , drinking a glass of water . She had just got home from work about five minutes ago , shortly after nine . She was a tall woman , just a couple of inches shorter than me . Her hair was dark like mine , and everyone said we had the same eyes . " No problem , mom , " I told her . I didn 't feel like starting on my usual complaining . I was tired and just wanted to finish the dishes , which I was in the middle of when mom got home . " I really appreciate all of your hard work , babe . Oops , sorry , you hate that word . " Even though my back was to her , I could basically feel her smile . My hands were in the soapy water , wiping off the supper plates . There was leftover roast beef from the other night in the fridge . I had to heat it up for supper , as well as bake some potatoes and cook some veggies . I was turning into a veritable chef . Okay , not really , but I could do a lot with leftovers . Make it into a whole new meal . " Mom , it 's really okay . I didn 't have any school crap to do . " " Okay , " she said , walking over to me and setting the cup down beside the sink . " I just want to make sure you know how much I appreciate everything you 've done . All summer , Darren . We wouldn 't have been able to move without you . " I just nodded and kept washing , s she kept talking . " I got some good news today , though . Patty from the Doctor 's office is moving somewhere with her husband for his work , so her job opened up . " Mom was working as a night cleaner at an eye doctor 's office . She basically went to work every night from five o ' clock , when the office closed , until nine , and cleaned the office . Because it was only twenty - four hours a week - the office is closed on Sundays - mom had to get a second job as a server at some diner , working from lunch time until about four . " Patty was a receptionist at the office . They offered me her job . Full time hours . Mondays , Tuesdays and Wednesdays are seven to three , and Thursdays , Fridays and Saturdays are nine to five . " I hadn 't seen her this happy in a long time . " Does that mean you can quit the diner ? " I asked her . It would be good for her to just have one job . She 's going to wear herself out working two . " I think so , " she told me . " I 'll get paid more to be the receptionist , so I 'm hoping I can leave that diner . It 's really a crappy place to work , and Paul keeps hitting on me . " Paul was the diner 's owner . His wife was the cook , but apparently she was oblivious to all of his advances on the servers . " That 's great mom , " I said , putting the last piece of cutlery on the drying rack . Dishes done . I pulled the plug on the sink and grabbed the hand towel off the stove . " That 's really great . " " I know , " mom said , still smiling . " But , enough about boring old me . " She was still smiling when she asked me , " So , how was school ? " " I 'd ask how your classes are , but I don 't think I 'd get much of answer . " I was going to walk out of the kitchen and head downstairs , but I knew there was more she was going to ask me , so I just stood there waiting . " Did you meet any friends ? " " It 's not supposed to mean anything . " She shrugged her shoulders and I realized now she really did mean nothing . I guess she 's just curious . Then why is it so annoying to me ? " I was just wondering if they were decent guys . Like , nice and fun . That 's all . " The smile was gone from her face , and she even looked a little hurt . " Darren , you 're my son . Of course I care . " She sighed . " I 'm sorry I asked . " " I 'm just trying to talk with you , Darren , " she explained , frustration starting to creep into her voice . That 's okay though , she 's always frustrated with me for one thing or another . " Is that too much to ask ? You 've just been so distant lately . " " It 's just been a long summer , mom , " I said . It wasn 't much of an excuse , but she seemed to take it . " What did you want to talk about ? " I shrugged at first , not sure if I should tell her about Laura . I guess she could see right through me because she asked me what her name was . " Laura , I told her . But she 's kind of a nerd . " " So ? " Mom leaned against the counter and crossed her arms across her chest . " There 's nothing wrong with nerds . " Oh great , now all mom is going to want to talk about it Laura . I can just hear it already . " Don 't count her out just yet , Darren . Give her a try . Maybe you 'll be able to meet some nice friends for a change , not like your old ones from Washington . " Here it comes already . She 's never met Laura , and now all of a sudden she 's going to be a fucking angel compared to my old friends ? What the hell do they even have to do with this ? " Something wrong with my friends , mom ? " Rolling my eyes I sighed and tried to control my temper . " You know what ? I don 't even care what you think about them . That doesn 't bother me . But what do they have to do with anything ? " " I just , " she started , trying to figure out what she wanted to say . " Look , Darren , this is how I feel . I just don 't want you being friends with the same kind of people you were in Washington . It gets you involved in the wrong situations . " " Why do you have to do this ? " I found my voice was harsher than before , and my question came out more like a demand . " I don 't even know what you mean . " " Don 't play stupid with me . " Mom 's voice had gone from calm and collected to sharp and disciplinary . I guess something I said must 've pissed her off , as usual . " I want you to be safe and healthy . I don 't want a son mixed up with alcohol , sex and drugs . " I could feel my heart start to beat a little faster and found myself clenching my hand into a fist . " Mom , everyone drinks . You 're just going to have to deal with it . " " Deal with it ? " She stood away from the counter and pointed a strong finger right at me . " I 'm your mother , Darren . That means you 're the one who has to do the dealing . " I watched her arm fall down to her side , and I decided not to say anything in response . " And you know damn well it 's not the alcohol that I 'm most concerned with . " " Don 't even lie to me . " Mom 's voice was raised too , and I could tell she was real pissed at me now . " I deserve more than your lies . The least you could do is be honest with your mother . " I was going to slam my fist into the countertop , but at the last minute I decided against it . I ran my hand through my hair instead , to keep it occupied . " I don 't want a lecture . " " Well too bad because now you 've ticked me off . " Her arm was back up and her finger was back in my face . " As much as you think so , I 'm not an idiot . I know you used to smoke pot with your friends . " Oh my God . This is ridiculous . I 'd rather not have this conversation , but I don 't think I have much of a choice . " I 'm not finished . " Her voice was louder and sterner now , and I knew the rest of my evening would be ruined . " I knew about the pot , just like I knew you were sleeping with that little tramp . " " Fine , I 'm sorry . " She didn 't sound very apologetic , but I knew it was the best I was going to get . " It doesn 't matter , because I knew what the two of you were doing together . " " We weren 't having sex , mom ! " I can 't believe this . Why should I have to deal with this shit ? Some days she makes me so angry I just want to punch something . She looked at me with that disapproving look she was very good at - the one that I was very used to seeing . It made me feel even worse , which just made me get angrier . " I can tell when you 're lying , Darren . It 's a little trick us mothers know . " She 's just trying to get me going . There 's no way she knows about anything I 've done or haven 't done . Is there ? How could she know , though ? She doesn 't know anything . " " Screw this ! " It wasn 't really much , but I put all my anger behind it and I could tell by the expression on mom 's face that it had the desired effect . " I 'm tired of this fucking bullshit . " " Darren James Harrison ! " When she used my full name , she wasn 't just pissed off , she was really pissed off . " You watch your language , young man . I don 't want to hear any more of that garbage come out of your mouth ! Now you 're going to listen to me ! The past is over and I want to talk about now . And I am telling you right now that you better get your act together , or this will not smooth sailing for you ! Do you know what means , Darren ? You better pick your friends real well and make sure they are respectable . If I ever find out that you 're pulling any of the crap you pulled in Washington , you can get out of my house . Am I clear ? " Her tone made absolute certain that I would respond with a simple ' yes ' . " Good , " she said after a long pause of heavy breathing . " Now get out of here and go to your room . I can always count on you to ruin a good day . " I walked past her , heading for the stairs , which were just outside the kitchen . I desperately wanted to make a final comment , piss her off even more , but I didn 't want this conversation to go on any longer . So I just went downstairs to my room in silence . I got down the stairs and headed for my room , my hands still clenched with anger . Now I was mad , and I was going to be thinking about this all night . What a way to ruin a night . I don 't get why she 's so concerned . It 's really none of her damn business who I want to talk to and who my friends are . We don 't run around murdering people , so I think we 're okay . She just doesn 't understand . I doubt she will . When I got in my room , I shut the door behind me and started to play some music . After a minute or two of pacing , I threw myself on the bed and tried to clear my thoughts . What a stupid fight anyway . My friends in Washington weren 't that bad , were they ? I wasn 't that bad , was I ? That 's when I remembered the look on Brett 's face this afternoon when I confirmed that yes , indeed I had smoked pot with my friends before . I shouted out a string of bad words . It felt good to curse out loud , and I accompanied it with slamming my fist into my bed . This was stupid . I pulled out my cell phone from my pocket and checked the time . Ten after ten . I wasn 't ready to go to bed yet , either , so I just laid there with my eyes open staring at the white ceiling . It was plain , flat and full of shadows from the lights . Almost like my life , I thought to myself - plain and boring . Except it wasn 't really like my life because at least the ceiling had some use for this house and this family . Me - not so much . My thoughts were a mess , covering a hundred different things all at once - mom , Brett , the divorce , the move , Washington , Gold Beach , my old friends , Alex , Laura and more . It was hard to follow and I couldn 't keep up with everything I was thinking . I finally decided to get off the bed and get ready for sleep . I pulled my socks off and threw them the corner with the rest of my dirty clothes . My shirt was next and it went in the same pile . My jeans were still good to wear another day , so I tossed those to the other side of my room . My underwear went to the first pile and I was about to pull on a pair of pajama bottoms when I suddenly decided I wanted a shower . Maybe that would help relax . I left the pajama pants on my bed and opened my door to the dark basement . A cool draft blew against my body , but it felt nice because I had gotten so worked up yelling with mom . That was another reason why I liked the basement . It was cooler than the rest of the house , and California was so freakin ' hot . I headed across the floor , trying to think of anything but tonight . Before I got in the shower , I stopped to look in the mirror . I desperately wanted to reassure myself that everything was going to be okay , but I just couldn 't . Somehow I knew it wasn 't . I saw the empty look in my eyes and I had to turn away . I made sure the water was hot and when I stepped inside , it felt good . My muscles were tense and this helped to relax them . I tried not to think about anything while showering . It worked , mostly , so it was nice just to relax . I didn 't bother actually washing myself or my hair because I knew I was going to have a shower in the morning before school . I just wanted to relax . The water was steaming , probably hotter than I usually had it , but I didn 't notice too much . I mostly just stood there , letting the water do all the work . I really hadn 't had much time to relax like this . I also didn 't realize how much strain was on my body . Nearly all summer , I had done the bulk of the moving , carrying of heavy boxes , setting all the furniture in place and so on . When we first moved here , I had to carry all of the boxes downstairs . One by one , as we were sorting through stuff and putting it in its new home , I had carry each of the boxes back upstairs . And there was the cleaning , also . When I wasn 't moving boxes I had to dust or vacuum or sweep . I felt like a maid or something , only I wasn 't getting paid so it was more like being a slave . Brett helped with stuff , he was a good duster , and Sherry did a little , too . But , it usually took less time if I just did it by myself . I guess I hadn 't even realized how hard I had been working this summer . I had had no friends , so I didn 't notice because I was home all the time and I never had to miss going out to do housework . I 'm hoping , though , that mom will get that receptionist job and be home more . Besides , now that I 'm school , I can 't do everything either . Here I am , thinking of all of this again , not sure of how much time has passed . I finally realized how tired I was , so I shut off the water , reached through the shower curtain and grabbed my towel . I felt a yawn coming , and realized my body was yearning for sleep . I really didn 't know how long I had spent in the shower , but it felt pretty late . Towel wrapped around my waist , I headed back to my room . My music was still on , and I quickly turned it off . I didn 't want it to disturb anyone sleeping upstairs . I finished drying myself off in my room and was too lazy to take my towel back to the bathroom , so I just let it fall to the ground . Slipping into my pajama shorts , I collapsed onto the bed . The last ten minutes of my evening I spent writing in my journal . It 's a good stress reliever , because I feel like I 'm actually talking to someone , but I knew I could write whatever I wanted because no one was going to read it . That was the nice part . I thought it was weird that I had this journal , but it really helped me keep some things in order . The weight that was lifted from my mind every night I wrote was enough to make it worth it . I knew that if I didn 't have this journal , I would 've probably been on edge all the time , and my and mom would 've torn ourselves apart by now . Finally I closed the journal and stuffed it back in my desk , under my clothes . I had a sudden flashback to me hiding those condoms in my room , and relieved my shock that mom knew about them . But a journal was different than condoms , though , and mom knew I wrote in my journal . Even if she ever found it , she respects me enough not to read it . That I knew for a fact . I took another deep breath , turned the lamp beside my bed on and then flicked my ceiling lights off . I went back to my bed and pulled the covers back . They were soft and cool , just how I liked them . I climbed underneath , still shirtless . I always slept without a shirt . I switched the lamp off , and then darkness was around . Apparently People Like These About Why NaNoWriMo Is Like Christmas What 's On Your Bookshelf ? Somebody Call An Ambulance . . . The Wise Words of Gandalf Leaf ( A Poem ) The Song Black Ice - Chapter 2 NaNoWriMo Day 13 - All The Places That I 've Been NaNoWriMo Day 20 - On Sexy Paragraphs and Other Unrelated Topics My Newest Gems Five Reasons Why Twin Peaks Deserves Its Comeback Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
A week or two back I received a delightful email from River of Drifting through Life and I am hoping she won 't mind me sharing a few of the beautiful pictures with you . No words needed here at all . Hoping they bring a smile or two to your face which you can carry with you into the weekend : In 1974 we had moved into our ' cute ' little house which was very basic with practically no lawn nor garden to speak of . Over the years , to the house , we added a car port , patio and pergola at the back , extended the concrete slab beyond the front verandah and added a pergola . Steve built both those pergolas for us without us actually asking him to do so and I still think of him when I look at them and realise what a great job he did . More about our home later on . Also in 1974 Phil and I both began new jobs . As Rope and Twine were closing Phil applied to the State Government for a clerical position and after an interview he was appointed to the State Housing Commission that had it 's head office in Adelaide Terrace , Perth , with a beautiful view of our Swan River . Phil used to come home and tell me how he had watched the pelicans soaring high above the river on the thermals . Pelicans happen to be one of Phil 's favourite birds . He first of all worked in the library but then had several different positions over the years working in Kwinana , Coolbellup and finally in Fremantle office . I can 't say he enjoyed his time there all that much or perhaps it was the lackadaisical work ethics of some of his work colleagues that upset him . He had come from working in private enterprise and I think it came as somewhat of a shock at the attitude of some government employees to their work . Don 't get me wrong . Most of his workmates did a good job but there were the few that left much to be desired but we will not mention names . Some of the positions he held though were very interesting and quite challenging and he stayed with Homeswest ( abbreviated name for SHC ) until he took early retirement when he was just passed 60 . I truly feel it was the best choice as I know working there was getting him down somewhat . It meant we weren 't all that well off but I felt his health was always more important than money . It must have been the right decision as he is now approaching 85 and still in reasonably good health . After his retirement he played golf and attended to his vegetable garden which he 'd not had time for previously . Phil had continued on with his part time studies at university and finally graduated with a B . A . with a double major in psychology . Unfortunately , because of his age by then , he was unable to obtain a job in any government department where his degree would have stood him in good stead but at least he did receive a small increase in his salary as a result of his having a uni degree . After this he had decided to continue on with his studies for an M . A . but in the late 70s I became unwell resulting in me having major surgery . This set Phil back on his heels somewhat and there and then decided to end his studies . I was disappointed he made this decision until he explained he had thought it through and come to realise we 'd not had a lot of quality time together because of his studies over the previous years . He said he was glad I 'd suggested that he should perhaps do some study to make up for his education in England being rather halted because of the second world war . He 'd accepted the challenge and now had his B . A . and that would suffice . Thinking back I feel it was perhaps for the best as we had in some ways drifted apart and there had been several minor problems that had arisen during that time all of which eventually resolved themselves satisfactorily . Still in 1974 and after 7 years I had decided I wanted to move on from Thomas and Co and I found myself a very good job as a stenographer with Development Underwriting Limited in Peppermint Grove . Although I enjoyed the work I wasn 't too keen on the management so thought it best to move on if I could find a suitable position where I would be happier in my surroundings . I saw a job advertised with the Forests Department and decided to apply for it . I am interested in trees and nature in general and felt it could be an interesting job as it was with their research section situated in Como in the very pleasant surroundings of a pine plantation . I drafted out an application and redid it several times until I was satisfied . Of course with government jobs it takes a while until you receive a reply but eventually one arrived and I had an interview . I was thrilled and hoped beyond hope I would do well and they would like me and my work . It was quite an extensive interview and I had to type out a screed that contained quite a few botanical names . I felt I had done rather well , went home and another wait before I 'd get a final answer . Happily I was accepted for the position of clerk / typist and although I dropped about $ 10 / week in salary I was glad to be away from DUL . As it was research branch I worked for a lot of professional people and found the work extremely interesting and feel I learned quite a lot about our forests and all the plants etc contained in them . Whilst there a new head office was built almost next to the research branch and after some juggling I moved over to the new building to work in the Extension Branch . I truly loved my work at the Forests Department until unfortunately , following a truck rear ending my little Ford Escort on my way to work one morning , I had to leave my job as I could no longer sit and work at a desk . I 'd not actually received a whip lash but damage to the soft tissue on the side of my neck and face and also some to my right shoulder which I guess was the way my little car had been swung around . I had physio on my neck for nearly six months and it was finally decided I should be retired . I have always been sad that I could not say goodbye in the usual way when someone retires but we can 't always have things happen the way we 'd like them to . Fortunately I 've met up with nearly all the people I worked with since then which has somewhat compensated me for having to leave so suddenly . I had actually begun to job share ( week on week off ) about a year previously and had intended to continue working for another few years . Well laid plans and all that . . . . . . . Steve had numerous friends and he was often out with them or they would be at our house and I was pleased he was so popular . We had given him a room at the back of the house so he virtually had his own private entrance ( the back door which opened on to an enclosed verandah ) so he and his friends could come and go freely . It 's funny how sometimes you think you are doing the right thing but it can go against you . Steve actually asked me why we had ' stuck him out in the back of the house ? " When I explained our motive and said he could then play his music ( and we ours ) without disturbing each other etc etc he of course realised we had been trying to make it better for him . Steve didn 't want a 21st birthday party although we offered to give him one the same as Karen had but he decided he 'd do what a few of his friends had done when they turned 21 . They would drive down somewhere near Collie with a keg of beer and spend the night ' in the bush ' where they didn 't disturb anyone and drive home the following afternoon . It was quite common practice in those days and a lot better than having these parties as they do these days where gate crashers disrupt the party and the neighbourhood often resulting in the police being called and people being hurt and property damaged . I am glad our boys had more sense and just enjoyed themselves without being a nuisance to anyone . I 've now covered our working lives up until we both retired ( me in 1986 and Phil in 1990 ) and I expect I shall continue on with my story about holidays we took and other events up to the present day . Maybe more about how we made our house more comfortable for us to live in . Not really sure but stay with me for at least a while longer if you can , even though the ' exciting ' times had long passed . Have been slow with posts of late . Not been all that busy but days seem to have been full . I think everything is taking me so long to do is the main reason . Sometimes the old mind gets way ahead of the old body and then gets frustrated which throws me right out of kilter . Not sure that makes a lot of sense but I know what I mean . Last Wednesday Phil and I spent about 4 hours at Fremantle Hospital . Every two years we attend the Diabetes Study where we are tested for nearly everything possible . . . . blood , urine , eyes , blood pressure , height , weight and balance ( I am left out of that one as they can see at a glance I 'd not succeed but Phil does it and does it well ) . There are pages and pages of forms to complete about how we have been and how we are feeling , medications etc . etc . so it is quite daunting for we two oldies to complete . This is our 4th visit and we keep doing it as it is good for us to have these tests and also good for the Department of Medicine to keep track of the same people over the years . They learn from us and how we are faring . I had a note from Victoria last week telling me that a long time penfriend had died after a short illness . Margaret was 10 years younger than me but I do know she had type 2 diabetes and other problems . I must write back to her husband to thank him for letting me know and tell him how sorry I am . Margaret and I had been writing for over 30 years and she was a real character and although we had stopped writing so frequently we still exchanged Christmas and birthday cards . She , like me , was a Capricorn so perhaps that 's why we got on so well . She lived in Kinglake and I was so glad she and her husband and some of her family were holidaying in Tasmania when those dreadful fires occurred in 2009 . 120 people lost their lives in that area alone and although Margaret and Len 's home was saved , their daughter Christine and family lost their home . I will miss you Margaret . RIP This calico cat of ours has fitted right in here and you couldn 't ask for a better mannered cat although she can stand up for herself . Yesterday my daughter telephoned me and Candy wanted to play with the phone cord . When I raised my hand to tell her ' no ' she was ready to have a little swipe back at me . No claws out mind you so nothing spiteful in her at all . I bought her a scratching post on eBay ( free postage from New South Wales ) Candy still sleeps on Phil 's bed every night and jumps onto my lap during the day and evening , or whenever it is available . Strange thing about her though is she doesn 't like crocheted rugs at all so wonder what has happened in her past that may have put her off them . One sleepy Candy cat on her mum 's lap ( rug on floor ) . She is very , very playful and seems to prefer screwed up paper balls or the tube from the toilet roll and really loves paper on the end of a piece of string . I made one up out here in my workroom and keep it in a little basket on my desk . She now comes in each morning and finds it and takes it out to play with . We were told she was three and half but when she was first advertised on the APS website it said she was 18 months which we feel may be nearer the mark . She 's just like a big kitten . She hasn 't been outside yet and we have no hope of putting the harness on her as all she wants to do is play with it and I think even if we put gloves on it would be an impossibility . We are disappointed as we ha hoped to take her ' walkies ' to get her used to our garden but seems that is not to be . We were told to keep her in for 4 weeks so another 10 days to go . We hope she enjoys her life with us enough for her not to want to run away . Both Wilma and June said " yes , let 's get together " so arrangements were made to meet for lunch in the restaurant in Kings Park . I also tried to contact Greta ( she was a little older than us but had always been great fun ) . I managed to contact her dad ( he must have been a good age by then ) but he said best not to bother Greta as she had chronic arthritis and seldom went out . In some ways I regretted afterwards that I had not asked for her phone number , even just to ring her and have a chat . We often in hindsight ask ourselves " Why didn 't I do that ? " Alas , I didn 't know her married name . The four of us had a most enjoyable lunch and sat for two hours or more chatting away about what each of us had done over the past 40 years . I knew Wilma had not had children and that Val had 3 boys but had no idea about June 's family . I think she told us she had 2 boys and a girl but my memory has let me down there . As these three had all been so much part of my young life and even stayed at our home at times , and I at theirs , they knew my mum very well so I gave each of them a copy of mum 's book . They all promised faithfully to read it and do you know I never asked them if they actually did do so . It would have been impolite of me to ask as it would have made it difficult for them to answer " No " if they hadn 't . Had they read it they would , of course , have recognized many of the stories mum told about how we all went dancing etc . etc . Oh , what a wonderfully happy youth we all had . This is a photo Wilma 's husband took of us after we 'd had lunch . He had come along to collect Wilma which was fortunate as we could then have our photo taken together . From left : yours truly , Wilma , Val and June . ( You may remember that Val was my matron of honour and Wilma by bridesmaid when I married Aubrey back in 1953 . I had lost touch with June prior to that . ) After this get together , the four of us got together on a few occasions for meals at each other 's homes and it was great for our husbands to be part of our reunion as well . Wilma was involved with a begonia club and sent invitations for us to go to their open days but she never did get me hooked on growing begonias . The couple of attempts I made to grow them were dismal failures so decided it not worth the effort . Unfortunately Wilma was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after our first meeting but she fought a brave fight only to lose her battle in October , 1989 . She and her husband called to visit me one afternoon and Wilma gave me a vase on which was painted a black cat . She had done a lot of china painting over the years . She knew my love of cats and this vase was a memento of our friendship . Wilma told me in front of Jim that she had said he must find someone nice and not be on his own once she had gone and two Christmases after that , in his greeting card , Jim wrote that he 'd met a lovely English lass with whom he was very happy . Knowing Wilma as I did , I know she would have been so happy for him . We 've not heard from Jim since then but there is a J . F . Dachtler living in Mandurah and I imagine that would be he . He was a very nice man , a great yachtsman , and he deserved to be happy after the way he had cared for Wilma during her illness . Val was a type 2 diabetic . Her mother and 2 uncles also had had diabetes so it was well and truly in the family and in January , 1998 Val also left this mortal call after suffering a sudden heart attack . We had travelled down to their home in Rockingham on two occasions for lunch and after Val 's death her husband Owen maintained their home until a few years ago when he moved into a retirement village in Wembley Downs . I am pleased to say that Owen keeps in touch with us at Christmas when we exchange cards . I think he is on his own but seems to be living a quite contented life . Last week I told about my daughter and her life so today I am telling about son Steven . He was born on 24 September , 1957 and was quiet a delightful , though terribly shy , little boy . He did quite well at school although I feel he could perhaps have done better . I really think his shyness held him back a lot in many ways . I 've explained that he wanted to leave school after Year 10 and be apprenticed to a trade and he became a mechanical fitter after training at Midland Railways Workshops . While he was there he decided he would buy himself a car so asked Phil and I if we would meet him at a car sales yard in Fremantle to look at a Ford XW he had his eye on . This we did after we finished work one day , said we thought it was a good car to buy and I went guarantor for him so he could pay it off . Steven had told us he had sat for and got his drivers 's licence in Midland but for some reason asked me if I would drive this car of his home that night . Steven 's car was green just like this one : He set off for work the next day and for weeks after that drove to and from work . My son was never able to tell a lie and some weeks later he came to me and very seriously said he had something to tell me . I was as little concerned as to what it may be about but was rather relieved when the story unfolded like this : Steven had not got his licence on his first attempt as a young woman had walked straight out onto a crosswalk in front of him and he 'd not enough time to stop . Fortunately he avoided her but of course he should have been more cautious when approaching a pedestrian crossing . Now he was telling me he had got his licence on his second attempt and proudly showed it to me . To add to this story he told me had had actually been pulled up by a traffic cop one morning for doing a little over the speed limit but when he explained he was running late for work and how far he had to go ( in those days it was approximately a 45 kilometre drive ) , the policeman let him off without asking to see his licence . How lucky was that ! ! ! When Steve ( he prefers that so will call him that from now on ) finished his apprenticeship he got a job in South Hedland ( about 17 , 000 km north of where we live ) with a Newman Mining Company working on their railway equipment and after a short time was made a leading hand . He told me one day they were working inland and the temperature in the shade was 50ºC ( 120ºF ) but was such a dry heat you didn 't really feel it . I think I 'd have felt it but then Steve always enjoys our hot summers . He came home a couple of times to do courses they wanted him to attend and on one such occasion he received a telegram telling him he didn 't have to do the course as they were on strike . My son didn 't believe in strikes so still did the course and then returned north to work . Eventually he gave notice as he got sick and tired of the unions constantly wanting the workers to go on strike . " Mum " , he said to me one day " the conditions up there are excellent and the pay is good . There is no reason whatsoever for them to go on strike and I 've had enough of it . " He then decided , with a few of his friends to try his luck in the Eastern States . They were away for several months and finally ended up in Queensland . He was very good and would write quite regularly but exactly what jobs he found to do I 'm not sure but he had a very good time and eventually returned home to us again after seeing so much of our country . Over the years he had several jobs and in some cases he was in charge of whatever it was they were doing . He had a number of male friends and two girlfriends that we knew of , firstly Sarah and then Dianne whom he lived with for a number of years in rented houses and even in a very large caravan for several months . While we were in New Zealand on our second trip , I received a call from him asking if I would go guarantor for him as he and Dianne wanted to buy a block of land in Samson and build a house . They lived there for some time before deciding they would like to be married . Arrangements were made with our help and their wedding day arrived . It was 5th January , 1985 and terribly hot ( about 40ºC . . . 104ºF ) and as you probably all know , I hate hot weather . The civil ceremony took place in a large gazebo not far from the Swan River and nearby there was a large lake . I think there being so much water around it kept the temperature down in that area as none of us felt the heat all that much . The bride and groom relaxing on the lawn after the ceremony : Afterwards the wedding breakfast was held in a restaurant overlooking the Swan River . There was of course the wedding cake ( in front of the cake you can see the * bouquets of the three girl . More about that below ) : Eventually the house they built in Samson became too small so after once again renting they built a much larger home in Kardinya , complete with heated swimming pool and outdoor spa . This house they sold in 1998 , rented once again and then purchased a five acre block on which they built a really beautiful home . They are still living there . Di has an excellent bank job and I think Steve at present is being a ' house husband ' although he could possibly be back in the workforce . He had an excellent job and I have no idea why he left it . The reason I appear to be unsure is because my son decided , nearly 13 years ago , that he no longer wished to be associated with any of our family and not I , nor any of us , have seen or spoken to him since that day . Although others may know the reason for his decision , I personally have no idea what brain storm he suddenly had to cause him to do this . I am very fortunate that Di has kept in touch with me via email and occasionally sent me photos of their family , including the wedding photo of their daughter and her new husband . I feel sad that she has to do this without Steve knowing and am grateful to her for keeping in touch . Strangely enough we had all seen quite a lot of each other over a number of years and , athough at times Steve could be a tad difficult , we accepted him the way he was and tried not to let it interfere in any way with our friendship . We would have family BBQs at our place , Karen 's home and at Steve 's home , and on one occasion Di and I went for a holiday at Dunsborough taking with us her little girl Jessica . Di at that time was expecting their second child , James . I have missed all of them very much , especially my two grandchildren , and one day , when great - grandchildren eventually arrive , it will sadden me that I will not be there to see them or hold them . I know that Steve 's dad ( Aubrey ) also feels pain at the decision of his son but , like me , he 's had to accept it as being part of life . He and I have discussed it at length but without resolve . I do know Steve and Di have had holidays in various parts of Australia and have actually bought a house in Tasmania , although I don 't know exactly where it is . Earlier this year I was pleased to hear that Di had a wonderful holiday in Europe which I think she thoroughly deserved as she works hard . To me this turn of events is a personal tragedy although ours apparently is not the only dysfunctional family in the world . I continue to send birthday and Christmas cards and sent money to the two grandchildren until they were 21 . We receive similar greetings sent by Dianne on behalf of all of them . I have written to Steve on several occasions but no response has ever been received . One can always live in hope but that hope has slowly faded over the years . Both myself and Steve 's dad received letters from Jessica about 4 Christmases back but that has been the only communication from either grandchild although I have written to both of them several times . Since this occurred Phil and I have been extremely grateful that Karen and her hubby have been so wonderful and we have enjoyed their company and that of their four children over the years . I feel sorry that her brother has also excluded her from his life and that of her family . We were a small enough family to begin with and didn 't really need it made even smaller . Whether I should have told the above story I am not sure but I said when I began I 'd not pull any punches and I don 't see why I should do so in this instance . I am not sure there is a lot more to tell about our life from the seventies onwards but will have a good think about it and consider whether to continue with " Telling it on Tuesday " . * My mother was extremely ill in hospital at the time of Steve and Di 's wedding and on the Sunday morning following the ceremony the newly married couple visited her in the hospital and Di gave her the wedding bouquet . I thought this a lovely gesture on Di 's part as mum was delighted and later on the Sunday afternoon when we visited mum she showed us the flowers . My mum passed away in her sleep the following morning . We often felt she ' hung on ' so as not to spoil the wedding for Steven and Dianne . Mum was like that , always very caring of others . I have always had rather a wide range of taste in books over the years , but more recently I 've found I need ' easy to read ' books such as thrillers written by Dick Francis , Lee Child and Sue Grafton . The type of books that stick to the point rather than going on and on about events that don 't really belong in the story . Perhaps an aged mind needs simpler stories in order to keep it on track ? Earlier this year I decided to revisit books I read when quite young as well as some much loved stories of years ago . I began with re - reading " Alice 's Adventures in Wonderland " , probably for about the fifth time . I still found it so fascinating . I always loved that white rabbit . Such a gentleman . I also re - read " Daddy - Long - Legs " which was always one of my favourites and I recently borrowed " Dear Enemy " from my daughter and read it for the first time . I didn 't enjoy quite as much as its predecessor although I still found the story of the orphanage sad but so very humorous as well . Perhaps , having read " Daddy - Long - Legs " first I more or less guessed what the ending would be and , of course , it was the right one . Another of my favourites was " The Secret Garden " ( I had also seen the film years ago ) and when I read it again last month it inspired me at a time when I was felling quite down . I found the magic it contained gave me quite a lift when I needed it . I am now reading " Little Lord Fauntleroy " for the first time and thoroughly enjoying it . I am hoping it too has a happy ending . In my bookcase I also have " Kidnapped " which I enjoyed when I was a child and " Robinson Crusoe " . Shall I read them as well I wonder of just keep them there until a great - granddaughter or two is old enough to enjoy them . I may even find a copy of " Black Beauty " as that I do remember as a favourite and I 've always loved horses . First my daughter , and then Phil , said I must get another cat . I felt I was betraying Precious if I did so soon after losing her but Candy is entirely different . She is very placid , which Precious was not , and just a loving as Precious ever was . They are two completely different cats so Candy has not taken over but fills a very special place of her own in our hearts . Candy escaped again last week . Phil 's error this time . She had a wonderful few minutes in the back and front gardens and Phil finally managed to catch her while she was busy having a sniff down near the shed . It unsettled her ( and Phil too I think ) for a while but she has settled down again and enjoys sitting on the window sill here in my work room looking out at the back garden and now it is warmer , ( 27º - 81ºF today and it 's still winter ) she can sit and look through the front and back screen doors . We bought her a harness last week ( had no instructions whatsoever which I thought rather bad as it wasn 't cheap ) and we are contemplating trying to put it on Candy . Although she has settled in so well we don 't want to spook her so will have to take it gently at first . We thought , if she would tolerate the harness , we could take for little walks outside to familiarize her with the garden . More reports on whether we manage the harness business or not later . Karen continued to live in the house in Trigg and fortunately she had a car as she would often drive down to our place for a meal , or on weekends , and occasionally stay overnight . The little car she had suffered from carburettor problems and we would get a phone call from a public phone ( no mobile phones in those days ) with a call for help as the car had broken down . Off Phil would go , find Karen and her car and he 'd fix the carbutettor , sometimes temporarily with a safety pin . The main thing was to get the car going again until it could be fixed properly We 've had some good laughs about that car over the years , like the time the police pulled us over when Karen and I were off to night school . That is a story in itself but all ended well without any problem . At about this time our next door neighbour introduced us to the game of badminton . Phil and I both really enjoyed playing so off we would go each Wednesday night to a hall in Melville to play . There were probably about a dozen people that played regularly so we had plenty of games and , although not experts , we usually managed to hold our own and had loads of fun . We would take it in turns making supper each week and would then sit around and enjoy a cuppa and biscuits and have a chat between games . There were two young men that played regularly , both of whom I really liked , and I thought perhaps it would do Karen good to get out and suggested she may like to join us on Wednesday nights for a game . Both these young fellows were about Karen 's age and . . . . . well , you never know do you ! ! They seemed to get on very well together . Karen brought Christie with her and she would sleep peacefully while the rest of us played badminton . She was always a wonderful baby and so well behaved . Another thought I had to help make Karen 's life happier was to arrange a really nice 21st birthday party for her . Phil agreed it was a great idea and when we asked Karen she too liked the idea . We hired a hall , and caterers and decided also to have an MC who could provide music for dancing . . We asked family and friends , including the badminton crowd , ( they between them bought Karen a badminton racquet ) and I believe all present enjoyed the evening immensely . My mum said she would look after Christie so Karen could really enjoy the evening . The little one came to the hall for about half an hour and then Phil popped her in the car and drove her to mum 's home . It would seem one of the young men from badminton also thought Karen rather special as he asked her to go out with him . On their first date he took her to the drive - in movies where the film " Jaws " was showing . Karen , who had and still has a phobia about sharks , came home and told me that she spent most of the evening with her head under the dashboard of the car as the film was so scary . I teased her and said " He probably hoped you 'd cuddle up to him " , and in return I got THAT LOOK ! The friendship grew and after some time they decided they would like to marry . They found themselves a house and were married on a lovely sunny November day . Once again I made Karen 's dress and also the one Christie wore on the big day . Over the years their family grew and we then had four wonderful grandchildren , 3 granddaughters and a grandson . Karen and her hubby are now proud grandparents of three themselves . This photo , also taken at the wedding , is one of my all time favourites . It is my mum ( Karen 's grandma ) and my son Steven ( Karen 's brother ) obviously sharing a joke together . Unusual colour but maybe something to do with reflection off the water ? I hope you have enjoyed my story about our lovely daughter . Next week perhaps the story of son Steven , or perhaps not . Lots to tell there so much to think about before ' putting pen to paper ' so to speak . I am not allowed to go outside for four weeks which I think a bit hard but , don 't tell anyone , mum accidentally let me out the front door on Saturday afternoon . Mum 's daughter and her husband called in to bring me some special cat litter and 4 tins of Fancy Feast so I like them too . Mum 's daughter didn 't realize she had sat in ' my ' chair so I let her sit there for a while until she got up for a few minutes . I then hopped on the chair which gave her the message to sit elsewhere , which she did . It 's always nice when people recognize a cat has certain priorities and I am sure she will remember in future . Mum usually says goodbye at the front door ' cos she 's not too steady on her feet and , she thinking I was sound asleep on ' my ' chair , held the front door open a little way , just enough for me to sneak out . I didn 't run away but just wandered around the garden checking everything out . Dad finally picked me up and popped me back inside and I didn 't get into trouble at all . Well , I didn 't mean to be naughty but was curious about what may be out there . It all looks so exciting and I sit gazing out the windows at the front or the back and watch what is going on . One day hopefully I 'll be able to explore more . I had been having fun scratching my cat litter all over the laundry floor but ' they ' soon put a stop to that . Mum found a cardboard box which she lined with newspaper ( all neatly stuck down ) which my litter tray fits into nicely . The " Angel Litter " bought for me is excellent and I 'd recommend it to other cats as well . Not as much fun as before but it shows how well looked after I am and I understand ' they ' don 't want to be constantly cleaning the floor . I have a bowl of biscuits to munch on and each evening I have a feed of Fancy Feast or Dine and I am now beginning to really enjoy them . I have a bowl of fresh water each day but I also enjoy hopping in the laundry trough and having a drink of water if someone leaves a dish in there . I don 't somehow think mum likes me doing that as I noticed this afternoon there are no longer any cat dishes in soak in the trough . Oh well , I 'll have to be good and drink the water from my bowl . These are the first home pics of Candy . She came out into my work room and had to investigate to see what 's what . The photos may be a little hazy but she moves so fast that it 's difficult to catch her before she moves from one spot to another . I think I heard a noise out there . Perhaps it 's that other person who lives here . I 'll go and see what he 's doing . I think I 'm going to enjoy living here . Lots of things to check out and I 'm being very well looked after . No words needed to explain these . Hope they bring a smile to your face which you will carry with you into a great weekend . As an older person who has always loved books , I really enjoyed the 4th one After looking at so many cats we decided to go and sit in the outdoor area and think hard about what to do and who should come and sit with us but Candy and she didn 't seem too keen on other cats that wanted to come near . She wasn 't nasty to them but just gave them a look that said " Back off . " We then went and looked at kittens , just for the fun of it , and when we returned to the outdoor area where we sat in a different place who should arrive but Candy and she stayed around the whole time , eventually jumping up on to the big table and going over to Phil to be made a fuss of . I think that decided it although there was also a little boy named Russell that took a fancy to us but at 8 months he was a tad too young especially with me not being too good on my feet . I refused to leave as he sat right by the exit gate for ages but eventually he gave up and went back inside . I asked for the lady in charge and off we went to the office to pay for our new friend and sign papers that needed signing . Phil went and got the carry bag from the car and we were ready to head off , complete with a new litter tray . I couldn 't believe how quickly Candy settled in . She of course did the cat thing and smooched up to everything leaving her mark with her face as they do and investigated all the nooks and crannies she could find . Eventually she jumped on to my lap , then walked across the telephone table onto Phil 's lap . She then made herself comfortable on a tub chair near the window and already loves to stand with her feet on the back of the chair looking out of the window . I had to laugh as she could see Phil 's reflection in the window and couldn 't make out who that man was sitting out there . By that time it was getting dark so down came the blind . She then caught her reflection in the TV screen and kept looking for that other cat . She is obviously not used to reflections in windows or mirrors but hopefully she will soon be used to seeing that ' other ' cat and not worry too much . She has the loudest purr I 've ever heard , even louder than our Henry and we thought his purr loud . She purrs as she follows us around the house . She has eaten some biscuits and had a drink of water which is good but doesn 't seem keen on the Dine so perhaps not used to ' wet ' food . We were told Dine is one of the better foods for cats and that is what Precious always ate . We are having to keep her as an indoor cat for up to four weeks which will be challenging and so far I 've not tried putting butter on her paws which was the trick we had used for years when moving from one house to another with a cat . I may still do so although she seems to be glad to be here with us so perhaps not necessary . Right now she investigating my work room including my desk . She is very inquisitive and all the time this LOUD purr . Karen rang me on the way home from work and asked " How 's Candy " . Seems the bush telegraph moves fast . One of her workmates volunteers at APS and when a cat is homed they are all advised and she knew I was going to look at Candy and guessed we had taken her home . Figure it won 't be long before we receive a visit from Karen as I know she is dying to meet Candy and give her a cuddle . Phil seems to think we should go ahead and do this mainly for my sake I think , although he misses Precious as much as I do . I 've been having some quite black days and he is convinced it is mainly caused by not having a cat in our home . I wonder if he is right . I talked to him about it last night and said I thought perhaps I was too old to look after a cat properly as I couldn 't get around much etc etc . His reply was that I had always looked after Precious so well and " Mimsie , you have so much love to give to a cat , that you wouldn 't have any problem . We will go out to the Animal Protection Society tomorrow morning and just see what happens . " So , shortly we are off to Southern River to check out all the beautiful cats they have there . One in particular on their Facebook page had already taken my daughter 's eye but she already has two cats and the same cat took my eye as well so that could be interesting . Will Candy like us . . . . will we like Candy ? Will any of the cats take a fancy to us I wonder ? I asked Phil what would happen if one cat liked him and another liked me . " Well " , said he , " it will be the cat that fancies you , cos we can 't have two cats at our age . " Isn 't that so sweet ? Karen said the ground is somewhat uneven at APS and I will take my little walker so I don 't come to grief and hope it won 't frighten the cats . Apparently there are tables and chairs where you can sit and the cats wander around and occasionally one will make itself known to you . The lady in charge ( I rang them on Tuesday ) said the previous week a cat began to follow a lady around all the time she was there and that lady took that cat home . What a delightful story . Will that happen to us I wonder ? Many of Phil 's stories from his home county of Warwickshire ( now I believe known at the West Midlands ) involve horses . His father , Cyril , used them for both his milk and greengrocery rounds and also for general transport for his wife , himself and of course Phil too when still a a youngster . Cyril in fact never owned a motor vehicle of any kind . There was apparently a horse his dad owned that could be quite a scoundrel and would grab Phil 's dad by the hair and swing him around when the belly strap was being tightened . His dad used to get rattled when he would see young Phil riding his little pedal car straight through under that same horse but the animal must have understood it was a child as he never moved or tried in any way to hurt Phil . Another horse story Phil was telling me the other day was when the family were heading into town one day . They were only about half a mile along into their journey when suddenly the horse , this one 's name was Bob , wandered into the ditch on the side of the road and dropped dead . I asked Phil what happened and in his matter of fact way he said " I guess mum and I just walked back home and dad got help to have the horse taken away " . Life seems so different to we city folk ( which I 've been since I was 6 years old ) and so I asked if the cart tipped over or anything . Apparently it didn 't , but remained upright so none of the three were thrown out . Just another day in country life I guess . Cyril then purchased another horse ( the first one he brought home , a grey , was found to be lame so had to be returned ) , and it was a Welsh mountain pony , a feisty little girl named Doll . As you know this type of horse is a chunky little animal and very strong . Phil told me that one day he and two of his young friends decided to all hop it its back together . They all got up OK but as soon as they were settled Doll sat down and they all slid off onto the ground . It seems they decided not to try that caper again . I posted this this morning , or at least I thought I did but it is not showing on my blog list so I have retyped it . If you see it twice you will understand why . Things have been going somewhat awry of late and this is another glitch that has occurred today . I only hope this post will show properly now . As you may know my mind has been elsewhere for the past two plus weeks . The 1970s were quite eventful for us . I have told about mum 's horrific accident in ca 1970 and losing dad in 1971 . There will be more about mum in later posts as from 1970 she continued working to help the community and eventually wrote her memoirs which were published in 1983 . Today I tell of Steven finding himself an apprenticeship and of us acquiring our own home . I 'll try to get my act together and do better in Part 27 . I sort of threw this one together rather haphazardly . My apologies . I have told that our daughter Karen was married and of the birth of her child , our first grandchild . . . . a beautiful granddaughter . Karen 's hubby worked for Telecom and his job took him to the country a great deal so he and Karen moved to rental accommodation in Bunbury . Phil and I drove down several times to visit , one special occasion being Christie 's first birthday . ( Bunbury by the way is 120 miles south of Perth . . . I have no idea how far that is in kilometres ) . Eventually they moved back to Perth , first renting a duplex in Whitegum Valley , only a couple of kms from where we were living , and later buying a home in Trigg . Our son Steven had decided he did not want to continue at high school to study and sit for his Leaving Certificate so , after he obtained his . . . . . it used to be called Junior Certificate but was later changed to Achievement Certificate . . . . third year high school certificate , we agreed to allow him to take up an apprenticeship and learn a trade . His first choice was to train as a technician with Telecom and the interview went exceedingly well until it came time for him to name various coloured wires . He was unable to name several and it was realised he was colour blind . I am positive we were not aware of this , which may seem strange but maybe nothing had occurred to make it obvious to any of us . The interviewers were , I think , as disappointed as Steven , as they told him he was the type of young man they were looking to employ , but sorry when dealing with electricity etc . colour blindness definitely rules you out . Midland was quite a distance from where we were living but the train line from Fremantle to Midland was only a short distance from our home which made it easy for Steven to get to work and home again . If he should be running late Phil would take him in the car a few stations further along the line to catch the train . Steven did very well and after finishing his apprenticeship obtained several excellent jobs , and did further study which helped him to find even better positions during the years . I 've often been worried about the large amounts of asbestos at the workshops in Midland and back in the 1960s little was thought about its danger . To date Steven seems to have suffered no side effects from contact with asbestos and one can only hope he will stay safe . The workshops closed in 1993 and this is hos they looked in 2005 , all tidied up : It was then I realised just how severe his red / green colour blindness was as he said he honestly couldn 't see the blossoms as it looked ' all sort of brownish ' to him . When he began to drive I asked him how he could tell when the traffic lights had changed from green to red etc . , and he said by the position of the lights as they glowed when on . I 've never heard of anyone going for their driving licence being asked if they are colour blind so it obviously isn 't something that is deemed important . . In 1974 we learned that W . A . Rope and Twine , which had been taken over by Kinnears , was likely to close so we decided to try and find a house we could buy , although we were quite short of cash . We found a very good agent who showed us several houses not really to our liking until one day he telephoned and asked us if we could meet him at 8a . m . the following morning to view a house that had just come on the market at what he considered a very reasonable price . We met him next morning at the house in Hamilton Hill and , although the house was empty and there was no garden to speak of , we thought we could make it a very comfortable home and signed the Offer and Acceptance there and then . It was now up to us to obtain a mortgage and we were very much aware there was little money being made available by any financial institutions at this particular time . We tried several banks to no avail and when we had just about given up the thought of obtaining a mortgage we approached the Home Building Society near where I worked in Cottesloe . The manager was very helpful and I had a feeling she was on our side and she fought very hard to obtain the loan we needed . Within a few days I received a call from her to tell me she has managed to get approval for our mortgage and in fact it was the last loan granted on that day and there would be no more money available for several months . She had attended the board meeting where the money was allocated and pleaded ( or should that be pled ) our case and ever since we have been so grateful to her for the tremendous job she did on our behalf . I mentioned above we were a little short of cash but mum had already promised to help us out and she wrote us a cheque for $ 1 , 400 which was the required deposit . The house itself cost * $ 14 , 000 and , although today they would call it a cottage , it had four bedrooms , a small front verandah and sat on a block of just over 820 square metres which we thought ideal in which Christie , and future grandchildren , could play . We moved in here on 7th May , 1974 and then began lots of work including new carpet in the living room and vinyl in the kitchen , wallpapering to be done and removing the old venetian blinds and replacing them with roller blinds and curtains . I got busy planting shrubs and trees which within a few years quite transformed the place . * On today 's market our house would probably be advertised for sale with a price tag of about $ AUS500 , 000 plus . This seems to me so ridiculous as it is now about 65 years ago and a very simple dwelling . The price of land ( if any were available ) in our area would of course help dictate the sale price . Our council is now allowing multiple dwellings on reasonable size blocks so money can be made out of buying an old house , renting it out for a year or two and then demolishing it and building multiple dwellings on the block . We planted it in the back garden near a huge lemon tree that was already there and the banana grew beautifully and we were rewarded with many large bunches of bananas . These bananas were not the type you normally find in the shops here , but were in fact lady fingers or sugar bananas . Whatever their name , they were delicious . Photos one and two were taken in 1989 and the third earlier in 1987 . You can actually see a few of the lemons in the first picture . In the above photo I am standing in front of an elderberry tree . Phil had planted it with the idea of making elderberry wine ( as they did in the good old days in England ) but , although it flowered . . . which you can see in the photo , it didn 't set any berries . We realised that perhaps cross pollination was needed so no elderberry wine for us as we only had the one tree . I think eventually either the elderberry tree became poorly or Phil just gave up as I know that tree finally disappeared . I am 85 years of age , having been born in 1932 . I am a wife , mother , grandmother , great - grandmother and a bit of an all round twit . Over the years I have done quite a lot of family genealogy and unearthed some family secrets which has been great fun . I am married with a great husband ( second time around has worked for me ) ; I have a daughter and a son , four granddaughters and two grandsons , and three fantastic great - granddaughters plus a lovely step - great - granddaughter in Alaska whom I have never met although I have seen her on Skype . I have had two total hip replacements ( June ' 08 and January ' 09 ) but as I have an extremely bad back ( neck to tail ) and a knee that won 't behave , I still can 't get about very much so am a stay at home . Maybe that is why I decided to take this drastic step and begin my own blog . Will I keep it up ? Goodness alone knows , only time will tell but here goes anyway . I don 't have a lot of followers but those I do have are very precious to me . |
A week or two back I received a delightful email from River of Drifting through Life and I am hoping she won 't mind me sharing a few of the beautiful pictures with you . No words needed here at all . Hoping they bring a smile or two to your face which you can carry with you into the weekend : In 1974 we had moved into our ' cute ' little house which was very basic with practically no lawn nor garden to speak of . Over the years , to the house , we added a car port , patio and pergola at the back , extended the concrete slab beyond the front verandah and added a pergola . Steve built both those pergolas for us without us actually asking him to do so and I still think of him when I look at them and realise what a great job he did . More about our home later on . Also in 1974 Phil and I both began new jobs . As Rope and Twine were closing Phil applied to the State Government for a clerical position and after an interview he was appointed to the State Housing Commission that had it 's head office in Adelaide Terrace , Perth , with a beautiful view of our Swan River . Phil used to come home and tell me how he had watched the pelicans soaring high above the river on the thermals . Pelicans happen to be one of Phil 's favourite birds . He first of all worked in the library but then had several different positions over the years working in Kwinana , Coolbellup and finally in Fremantle office . I can 't say he enjoyed his time there all that much or perhaps it was the lackadaisical work ethics of some of his work colleagues that upset him . He had come from working in private enterprise and I think it came as somewhat of a shock at the attitude of some government employees to their work . Don 't get me wrong . Most of his workmates did a good job but there were the few that left much to be desired but we will not mention names . Some of the positions he held though were very interesting and quite challenging and he stayed with Homeswest ( abbreviated name for SHC ) until he took early retirement when he was just passed 60 . I truly feel it was the best choice as I know working there was getting him down somewhat . It meant we weren 't all that well off but I felt his health was always more important than money . It must have been the right decision as he is now approaching 85 and still in reasonably good health . After his retirement he played golf and attended to his vegetable garden which he 'd not had time for previously . Phil had continued on with his part time studies at university and finally graduated with a B . A . with a double major in psychology . Unfortunately , because of his age by then , he was unable to obtain a job in any government department where his degree would have stood him in good stead but at least he did receive a small increase in his salary as a result of his having a uni degree . After this he had decided to continue on with his studies for an M . A . but in the late 70s I became unwell resulting in me having major surgery . This set Phil back on his heels somewhat and there and then decided to end his studies . I was disappointed he made this decision until he explained he had thought it through and come to realise we 'd not had a lot of quality time together because of his studies over the previous years . He said he was glad I 'd suggested that he should perhaps do some study to make up for his education in England being rather halted because of the second world war . He 'd accepted the challenge and now had his B . A . and that would suffice . Thinking back I feel it was perhaps for the best as we had in some ways drifted apart and there had been several minor problems that had arisen during that time all of which eventually resolved themselves satisfactorily . Still in 1974 and after 7 years I had decided I wanted to move on from Thomas and Co and I found myself a very good job as a stenographer with Development Underwriting Limited in Peppermint Grove . Although I enjoyed the work I wasn 't too keen on the management so thought it best to move on if I could find a suitable position where I would be happier in my surroundings . I saw a job advertised with the Forests Department and decided to apply for it . I am interested in trees and nature in general and felt it could be an interesting job as it was with their research section situated in Como in the very pleasant surroundings of a pine plantation . I drafted out an application and redid it several times until I was satisfied . Of course with government jobs it takes a while until you receive a reply but eventually one arrived and I had an interview . I was thrilled and hoped beyond hope I would do well and they would like me and my work . It was quite an extensive interview and I had to type out a screed that contained quite a few botanical names . I felt I had done rather well , went home and another wait before I 'd get a final answer . Happily I was accepted for the position of clerk / typist and although I dropped about $ 10 / week in salary I was glad to be away from DUL . As it was research branch I worked for a lot of professional people and found the work extremely interesting and feel I learned quite a lot about our forests and all the plants etc contained in them . Whilst there a new head office was built almost next to the research branch and after some juggling I moved over to the new building to work in the Extension Branch . I truly loved my work at the Forests Department until unfortunately , following a truck rear ending my little Ford Escort on my way to work one morning , I had to leave my job as I could no longer sit and work at a desk . I 'd not actually received a whip lash but damage to the soft tissue on the side of my neck and face and also some to my right shoulder which I guess was the way my little car had been swung around . I had physio on my neck for nearly six months and it was finally decided I should be retired . I have always been sad that I could not say goodbye in the usual way when someone retires but we can 't always have things happen the way we 'd like them to . Fortunately I 've met up with nearly all the people I worked with since then which has somewhat compensated me for having to leave so suddenly . I had actually begun to job share ( week on week off ) about a year previously and had intended to continue working for another few years . Well laid plans and all that . . . . . . . Steve had numerous friends and he was often out with them or they would be at our house and I was pleased he was so popular . We had given him a room at the back of the house so he virtually had his own private entrance ( the back door which opened on to an enclosed verandah ) so he and his friends could come and go freely . It 's funny how sometimes you think you are doing the right thing but it can go against you . Steve actually asked me why we had ' stuck him out in the back of the house ? " When I explained our motive and said he could then play his music ( and we ours ) without disturbing each other etc etc he of course realised we had been trying to make it better for him . Steve didn 't want a 21st birthday party although we offered to give him one the same as Karen had but he decided he 'd do what a few of his friends had done when they turned 21 . They would drive down somewhere near Collie with a keg of beer and spend the night ' in the bush ' where they didn 't disturb anyone and drive home the following afternoon . It was quite common practice in those days and a lot better than having these parties as they do these days where gate crashers disrupt the party and the neighbourhood often resulting in the police being called and people being hurt and property damaged . I am glad our boys had more sense and just enjoyed themselves without being a nuisance to anyone . I 've now covered our working lives up until we both retired ( me in 1986 and Phil in 1990 ) and I expect I shall continue on with my story about holidays we took and other events up to the present day . Maybe more about how we made our house more comfortable for us to live in . Not really sure but stay with me for at least a while longer if you can , even though the ' exciting ' times had long passed . Have been slow with posts of late . Not been all that busy but days seem to have been full . I think everything is taking me so long to do is the main reason . Sometimes the old mind gets way ahead of the old body and then gets frustrated which throws me right out of kilter . Not sure that makes a lot of sense but I know what I mean . Last Wednesday Phil and I spent about 4 hours at Fremantle Hospital . Every two years we attend the Diabetes Study where we are tested for nearly everything possible . . . . blood , urine , eyes , blood pressure , height , weight and balance ( I am left out of that one as they can see at a glance I 'd not succeed but Phil does it and does it well ) . There are pages and pages of forms to complete about how we have been and how we are feeling , medications etc . etc . so it is quite daunting for we two oldies to complete . This is our 4th visit and we keep doing it as it is good for us to have these tests and also good for the Department of Medicine to keep track of the same people over the years . They learn from us and how we are faring . I had a note from Victoria last week telling me that a long time penfriend had died after a short illness . Margaret was 10 years younger than me but I do know she had type 2 diabetes and other problems . I must write back to her husband to thank him for letting me know and tell him how sorry I am . Margaret and I had been writing for over 30 years and she was a real character and although we had stopped writing so frequently we still exchanged Christmas and birthday cards . She , like me , was a Capricorn so perhaps that 's why we got on so well . She lived in Kinglake and I was so glad she and her husband and some of her family were holidaying in Tasmania when those dreadful fires occurred in 2009 . 120 people lost their lives in that area alone and although Margaret and Len 's home was saved , their daughter Christine and family lost their home . I will miss you Margaret . RIP This calico cat of ours has fitted right in here and you couldn 't ask for a better mannered cat although she can stand up for herself . Yesterday my daughter telephoned me and Candy wanted to play with the phone cord . When I raised my hand to tell her ' no ' she was ready to have a little swipe back at me . No claws out mind you so nothing spiteful in her at all . I bought her a scratching post on eBay ( free postage from New South Wales ) Candy still sleeps on Phil 's bed every night and jumps onto my lap during the day and evening , or whenever it is available . Strange thing about her though is she doesn 't like crocheted rugs at all so wonder what has happened in her past that may have put her off them . One sleepy Candy cat on her mum 's lap ( rug on floor ) . She is very , very playful and seems to prefer screwed up paper balls or the tube from the toilet roll and really loves paper on the end of a piece of string . I made one up out here in my workroom and keep it in a little basket on my desk . She now comes in each morning and finds it and takes it out to play with . We were told she was three and half but when she was first advertised on the APS website it said she was 18 months which we feel may be nearer the mark . She 's just like a big kitten . She hasn 't been outside yet and we have no hope of putting the harness on her as all she wants to do is play with it and I think even if we put gloves on it would be an impossibility . We are disappointed as we ha hoped to take her ' walkies ' to get her used to our garden but seems that is not to be . We were told to keep her in for 4 weeks so another 10 days to go . We hope she enjoys her life with us enough for her not to want to run away . Both Wilma and June said " yes , let 's get together " so arrangements were made to meet for lunch in the restaurant in Kings Park . I also tried to contact Greta ( she was a little older than us but had always been great fun ) . I managed to contact her dad ( he must have been a good age by then ) but he said best not to bother Greta as she had chronic arthritis and seldom went out . In some ways I regretted afterwards that I had not asked for her phone number , even just to ring her and have a chat . We often in hindsight ask ourselves " Why didn 't I do that ? " Alas , I didn 't know her married name . The four of us had a most enjoyable lunch and sat for two hours or more chatting away about what each of us had done over the past 40 years . I knew Wilma had not had children and that Val had 3 boys but had no idea about June 's family . I think she told us she had 2 boys and a girl but my memory has let me down there . As these three had all been so much part of my young life and even stayed at our home at times , and I at theirs , they knew my mum very well so I gave each of them a copy of mum 's book . They all promised faithfully to read it and do you know I never asked them if they actually did do so . It would have been impolite of me to ask as it would have made it difficult for them to answer " No " if they hadn 't . Had they read it they would , of course , have recognized many of the stories mum told about how we all went dancing etc . etc . Oh , what a wonderfully happy youth we all had . This is a photo Wilma 's husband took of us after we 'd had lunch . He had come along to collect Wilma which was fortunate as we could then have our photo taken together . From left : yours truly , Wilma , Val and June . ( You may remember that Val was my matron of honour and Wilma by bridesmaid when I married Aubrey back in 1953 . I had lost touch with June prior to that . ) After this get together , the four of us got together on a few occasions for meals at each other 's homes and it was great for our husbands to be part of our reunion as well . Wilma was involved with a begonia club and sent invitations for us to go to their open days but she never did get me hooked on growing begonias . The couple of attempts I made to grow them were dismal failures so decided it not worth the effort . Unfortunately Wilma was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after our first meeting but she fought a brave fight only to lose her battle in October , 1989 . She and her husband called to visit me one afternoon and Wilma gave me a vase on which was painted a black cat . She had done a lot of china painting over the years . She knew my love of cats and this vase was a memento of our friendship . Wilma told me in front of Jim that she had said he must find someone nice and not be on his own once she had gone and two Christmases after that , in his greeting card , Jim wrote that he 'd met a lovely English lass with whom he was very happy . Knowing Wilma as I did , I know she would have been so happy for him . We 've not heard from Jim since then but there is a J . F . Dachtler living in Mandurah and I imagine that would be he . He was a very nice man , a great yachtsman , and he deserved to be happy after the way he had cared for Wilma during her illness . Val was a type 2 diabetic . Her mother and 2 uncles also had had diabetes so it was well and truly in the family and in January , 1998 Val also left this mortal call after suffering a sudden heart attack . We had travelled down to their home in Rockingham on two occasions for lunch and after Val 's death her husband Owen maintained their home until a few years ago when he moved into a retirement village in Wembley Downs . I am pleased to say that Owen keeps in touch with us at Christmas when we exchange cards . I think he is on his own but seems to be living a quite contented life . Last week I told about my daughter and her life so today I am telling about son Steven . He was born on 24 September , 1957 and was quiet a delightful , though terribly shy , little boy . He did quite well at school although I feel he could perhaps have done better . I really think his shyness held him back a lot in many ways . I 've explained that he wanted to leave school after Year 10 and be apprenticed to a trade and he became a mechanical fitter after training at Midland Railways Workshops . While he was there he decided he would buy himself a car so asked Phil and I if we would meet him at a car sales yard in Fremantle to look at a Ford XW he had his eye on . This we did after we finished work one day , said we thought it was a good car to buy and I went guarantor for him so he could pay it off . Steven had told us he had sat for and got his drivers 's licence in Midland but for some reason asked me if I would drive this car of his home that night . Steven 's car was green just like this one : He set off for work the next day and for weeks after that drove to and from work . My son was never able to tell a lie and some weeks later he came to me and very seriously said he had something to tell me . I was as little concerned as to what it may be about but was rather relieved when the story unfolded like this : Steven had not got his licence on his first attempt as a young woman had walked straight out onto a crosswalk in front of him and he 'd not enough time to stop . Fortunately he avoided her but of course he should have been more cautious when approaching a pedestrian crossing . Now he was telling me he had got his licence on his second attempt and proudly showed it to me . To add to this story he told me had had actually been pulled up by a traffic cop one morning for doing a little over the speed limit but when he explained he was running late for work and how far he had to go ( in those days it was approximately a 45 kilometre drive ) , the policeman let him off without asking to see his licence . How lucky was that ! ! ! When Steve ( he prefers that so will call him that from now on ) finished his apprenticeship he got a job in South Hedland ( about 17 , 000 km north of where we live ) with a Newman Mining Company working on their railway equipment and after a short time was made a leading hand . He told me one day they were working inland and the temperature in the shade was 50ºC ( 120ºF ) but was such a dry heat you didn 't really feel it . I think I 'd have felt it but then Steve always enjoys our hot summers . He came home a couple of times to do courses they wanted him to attend and on one such occasion he received a telegram telling him he didn 't have to do the course as they were on strike . My son didn 't believe in strikes so still did the course and then returned north to work . Eventually he gave notice as he got sick and tired of the unions constantly wanting the workers to go on strike . " Mum " , he said to me one day " the conditions up there are excellent and the pay is good . There is no reason whatsoever for them to go on strike and I 've had enough of it . " He then decided , with a few of his friends to try his luck in the Eastern States . They were away for several months and finally ended up in Queensland . He was very good and would write quite regularly but exactly what jobs he found to do I 'm not sure but he had a very good time and eventually returned home to us again after seeing so much of our country . Over the years he had several jobs and in some cases he was in charge of whatever it was they were doing . He had a number of male friends and two girlfriends that we knew of , firstly Sarah and then Dianne whom he lived with for a number of years in rented houses and even in a very large caravan for several months . While we were in New Zealand on our second trip , I received a call from him asking if I would go guarantor for him as he and Dianne wanted to buy a block of land in Samson and build a house . They lived there for some time before deciding they would like to be married . Arrangements were made with our help and their wedding day arrived . It was 5th January , 1985 and terribly hot ( about 40ºC . . . 104ºF ) and as you probably all know , I hate hot weather . The civil ceremony took place in a large gazebo not far from the Swan River and nearby there was a large lake . I think there being so much water around it kept the temperature down in that area as none of us felt the heat all that much . The bride and groom relaxing on the lawn after the ceremony : Afterwards the wedding breakfast was held in a restaurant overlooking the Swan River . There was of course the wedding cake ( in front of the cake you can see the * bouquets of the three girl . More about that below ) : Eventually the house they built in Samson became too small so after once again renting they built a much larger home in Kardinya , complete with heated swimming pool and outdoor spa . This house they sold in 1998 , rented once again and then purchased a five acre block on which they built a really beautiful home . They are still living there . Di has an excellent bank job and I think Steve at present is being a ' house husband ' although he could possibly be back in the workforce . He had an excellent job and I have no idea why he left it . The reason I appear to be unsure is because my son decided , nearly 13 years ago , that he no longer wished to be associated with any of our family and not I , nor any of us , have seen or spoken to him since that day . Although others may know the reason for his decision , I personally have no idea what brain storm he suddenly had to cause him to do this . I am very fortunate that Di has kept in touch with me via email and occasionally sent me photos of their family , including the wedding photo of their daughter and her new husband . I feel sad that she has to do this without Steve knowing and am grateful to her for keeping in touch . Strangely enough we had all seen quite a lot of each other over a number of years and , athough at times Steve could be a tad difficult , we accepted him the way he was and tried not to let it interfere in any way with our friendship . We would have family BBQs at our place , Karen 's home and at Steve 's home , and on one occasion Di and I went for a holiday at Dunsborough taking with us her little girl Jessica . Di at that time was expecting their second child , James . I have missed all of them very much , especially my two grandchildren , and one day , when great - grandchildren eventually arrive , it will sadden me that I will not be there to see them or hold them . I know that Steve 's dad ( Aubrey ) also feels pain at the decision of his son but , like me , he 's had to accept it as being part of life . He and I have discussed it at length but without resolve . I do know Steve and Di have had holidays in various parts of Australia and have actually bought a house in Tasmania , although I don 't know exactly where it is . Earlier this year I was pleased to hear that Di had a wonderful holiday in Europe which I think she thoroughly deserved as she works hard . To me this turn of events is a personal tragedy although ours apparently is not the only dysfunctional family in the world . I continue to send birthday and Christmas cards and sent money to the two grandchildren until they were 21 . We receive similar greetings sent by Dianne on behalf of all of them . I have written to Steve on several occasions but no response has ever been received . One can always live in hope but that hope has slowly faded over the years . Both myself and Steve 's dad received letters from Jessica about 4 Christmases back but that has been the only communication from either grandchild although I have written to both of them several times . Since this occurred Phil and I have been extremely grateful that Karen and her hubby have been so wonderful and we have enjoyed their company and that of their four children over the years . I feel sorry that her brother has also excluded her from his life and that of her family . We were a small enough family to begin with and didn 't really need it made even smaller . Whether I should have told the above story I am not sure but I said when I began I 'd not pull any punches and I don 't see why I should do so in this instance . I am not sure there is a lot more to tell about our life from the seventies onwards but will have a good think about it and consider whether to continue with " Telling it on Tuesday " . * My mother was extremely ill in hospital at the time of Steve and Di 's wedding and on the Sunday morning following the ceremony the newly married couple visited her in the hospital and Di gave her the wedding bouquet . I thought this a lovely gesture on Di 's part as mum was delighted and later on the Sunday afternoon when we visited mum she showed us the flowers . My mum passed away in her sleep the following morning . We often felt she ' hung on ' so as not to spoil the wedding for Steven and Dianne . Mum was like that , always very caring of others . I have always had rather a wide range of taste in books over the years , but more recently I 've found I need ' easy to read ' books such as thrillers written by Dick Francis , Lee Child and Sue Grafton . The type of books that stick to the point rather than going on and on about events that don 't really belong in the story . Perhaps an aged mind needs simpler stories in order to keep it on track ? Earlier this year I decided to revisit books I read when quite young as well as some much loved stories of years ago . I began with re - reading " Alice 's Adventures in Wonderland " , probably for about the fifth time . I still found it so fascinating . I always loved that white rabbit . Such a gentleman . I also re - read " Daddy - Long - Legs " which was always one of my favourites and I recently borrowed " Dear Enemy " from my daughter and read it for the first time . I didn 't enjoy quite as much as its predecessor although I still found the story of the orphanage sad but so very humorous as well . Perhaps , having read " Daddy - Long - Legs " first I more or less guessed what the ending would be and , of course , it was the right one . Another of my favourites was " The Secret Garden " ( I had also seen the film years ago ) and when I read it again last month it inspired me at a time when I was felling quite down . I found the magic it contained gave me quite a lift when I needed it . I am now reading " Little Lord Fauntleroy " for the first time and thoroughly enjoying it . I am hoping it too has a happy ending . In my bookcase I also have " Kidnapped " which I enjoyed when I was a child and " Robinson Crusoe " . Shall I read them as well I wonder of just keep them there until a great - granddaughter or two is old enough to enjoy them . I may even find a copy of " Black Beauty " as that I do remember as a favourite and I 've always loved horses . First my daughter , and then Phil , said I must get another cat . I felt I was betraying Precious if I did so soon after losing her but Candy is entirely different . She is very placid , which Precious was not , and just a loving as Precious ever was . They are two completely different cats so Candy has not taken over but fills a very special place of her own in our hearts . Candy escaped again last week . Phil 's error this time . She had a wonderful few minutes in the back and front gardens and Phil finally managed to catch her while she was busy having a sniff down near the shed . It unsettled her ( and Phil too I think ) for a while but she has settled down again and enjoys sitting on the window sill here in my work room looking out at the back garden and now it is warmer , ( 27º - 81ºF today and it 's still winter ) she can sit and look through the front and back screen doors . We bought her a harness last week ( had no instructions whatsoever which I thought rather bad as it wasn 't cheap ) and we are contemplating trying to put it on Candy . Although she has settled in so well we don 't want to spook her so will have to take it gently at first . We thought , if she would tolerate the harness , we could take for little walks outside to familiarize her with the garden . More reports on whether we manage the harness business or not later . Karen continued to live in the house in Trigg and fortunately she had a car as she would often drive down to our place for a meal , or on weekends , and occasionally stay overnight . The little car she had suffered from carburettor problems and we would get a phone call from a public phone ( no mobile phones in those days ) with a call for help as the car had broken down . Off Phil would go , find Karen and her car and he 'd fix the carbutettor , sometimes temporarily with a safety pin . The main thing was to get the car going again until it could be fixed properly We 've had some good laughs about that car over the years , like the time the police pulled us over when Karen and I were off to night school . That is a story in itself but all ended well without any problem . At about this time our next door neighbour introduced us to the game of badminton . Phil and I both really enjoyed playing so off we would go each Wednesday night to a hall in Melville to play . There were probably about a dozen people that played regularly so we had plenty of games and , although not experts , we usually managed to hold our own and had loads of fun . We would take it in turns making supper each week and would then sit around and enjoy a cuppa and biscuits and have a chat between games . There were two young men that played regularly , both of whom I really liked , and I thought perhaps it would do Karen good to get out and suggested she may like to join us on Wednesday nights for a game . Both these young fellows were about Karen 's age and . . . . . well , you never know do you ! ! They seemed to get on very well together . Karen brought Christie with her and she would sleep peacefully while the rest of us played badminton . She was always a wonderful baby and so well behaved . Another thought I had to help make Karen 's life happier was to arrange a really nice 21st birthday party for her . Phil agreed it was a great idea and when we asked Karen she too liked the idea . We hired a hall , and caterers and decided also to have an MC who could provide music for dancing . . We asked family and friends , including the badminton crowd , ( they between them bought Karen a badminton racquet ) and I believe all present enjoyed the evening immensely . My mum said she would look after Christie so Karen could really enjoy the evening . The little one came to the hall for about half an hour and then Phil popped her in the car and drove her to mum 's home . It would seem one of the young men from badminton also thought Karen rather special as he asked her to go out with him . On their first date he took her to the drive - in movies where the film " Jaws " was showing . Karen , who had and still has a phobia about sharks , came home and told me that she spent most of the evening with her head under the dashboard of the car as the film was so scary . I teased her and said " He probably hoped you 'd cuddle up to him " , and in return I got THAT LOOK ! The friendship grew and after some time they decided they would like to marry . They found themselves a house and were married on a lovely sunny November day . Once again I made Karen 's dress and also the one Christie wore on the big day . Over the years their family grew and we then had four wonderful grandchildren , 3 granddaughters and a grandson . Karen and her hubby are now proud grandparents of three themselves . This photo , also taken at the wedding , is one of my all time favourites . It is my mum ( Karen 's grandma ) and my son Steven ( Karen 's brother ) obviously sharing a joke together . Unusual colour but maybe something to do with reflection off the water ? I hope you have enjoyed my story about our lovely daughter . Next week perhaps the story of son Steven , or perhaps not . Lots to tell there so much to think about before ' putting pen to paper ' so to speak . I am not allowed to go outside for four weeks which I think a bit hard but , don 't tell anyone , mum accidentally let me out the front door on Saturday afternoon . Mum 's daughter and her husband called in to bring me some special cat litter and 4 tins of Fancy Feast so I like them too . Mum 's daughter didn 't realize she had sat in ' my ' chair so I let her sit there for a while until she got up for a few minutes . I then hopped on the chair which gave her the message to sit elsewhere , which she did . It 's always nice when people recognize a cat has certain priorities and I am sure she will remember in future . Mum usually says goodbye at the front door ' cos she 's not too steady on her feet and , she thinking I was sound asleep on ' my ' chair , held the front door open a little way , just enough for me to sneak out . I didn 't run away but just wandered around the garden checking everything out . Dad finally picked me up and popped me back inside and I didn 't get into trouble at all . Well , I didn 't mean to be naughty but was curious about what may be out there . It all looks so exciting and I sit gazing out the windows at the front or the back and watch what is going on . One day hopefully I 'll be able to explore more . I had been having fun scratching my cat litter all over the laundry floor but ' they ' soon put a stop to that . Mum found a cardboard box which she lined with newspaper ( all neatly stuck down ) which my litter tray fits into nicely . The " Angel Litter " bought for me is excellent and I 'd recommend it to other cats as well . Not as much fun as before but it shows how well looked after I am and I understand ' they ' don 't want to be constantly cleaning the floor . I have a bowl of biscuits to munch on and each evening I have a feed of Fancy Feast or Dine and I am now beginning to really enjoy them . I have a bowl of fresh water each day but I also enjoy hopping in the laundry trough and having a drink of water if someone leaves a dish in there . I don 't somehow think mum likes me doing that as I noticed this afternoon there are no longer any cat dishes in soak in the trough . Oh well , I 'll have to be good and drink the water from my bowl . These are the first home pics of Candy . She came out into my work room and had to investigate to see what 's what . The photos may be a little hazy but she moves so fast that it 's difficult to catch her before she moves from one spot to another . I think I heard a noise out there . Perhaps it 's that other person who lives here . I 'll go and see what he 's doing . I think I 'm going to enjoy living here . Lots of things to check out and I 'm being very well looked after . No words needed to explain these . Hope they bring a smile to your face which you will carry with you into a great weekend . As an older person who has always loved books , I really enjoyed the 4th one After looking at so many cats we decided to go and sit in the outdoor area and think hard about what to do and who should come and sit with us but Candy and she didn 't seem too keen on other cats that wanted to come near . She wasn 't nasty to them but just gave them a look that said " Back off . " We then went and looked at kittens , just for the fun of it , and when we returned to the outdoor area where we sat in a different place who should arrive but Candy and she stayed around the whole time , eventually jumping up on to the big table and going over to Phil to be made a fuss of . I think that decided it although there was also a little boy named Russell that took a fancy to us but at 8 months he was a tad too young especially with me not being too good on my feet . I refused to leave as he sat right by the exit gate for ages but eventually he gave up and went back inside . I asked for the lady in charge and off we went to the office to pay for our new friend and sign papers that needed signing . Phil went and got the carry bag from the car and we were ready to head off , complete with a new litter tray . I couldn 't believe how quickly Candy settled in . She of course did the cat thing and smooched up to everything leaving her mark with her face as they do and investigated all the nooks and crannies she could find . Eventually she jumped on to my lap , then walked across the telephone table onto Phil 's lap . She then made herself comfortable on a tub chair near the window and already loves to stand with her feet on the back of the chair looking out of the window . I had to laugh as she could see Phil 's reflection in the window and couldn 't make out who that man was sitting out there . By that time it was getting dark so down came the blind . She then caught her reflection in the TV screen and kept looking for that other cat . She is obviously not used to reflections in windows or mirrors but hopefully she will soon be used to seeing that ' other ' cat and not worry too much . She has the loudest purr I 've ever heard , even louder than our Henry and we thought his purr loud . She purrs as she follows us around the house . She has eaten some biscuits and had a drink of water which is good but doesn 't seem keen on the Dine so perhaps not used to ' wet ' food . We were told Dine is one of the better foods for cats and that is what Precious always ate . We are having to keep her as an indoor cat for up to four weeks which will be challenging and so far I 've not tried putting butter on her paws which was the trick we had used for years when moving from one house to another with a cat . I may still do so although she seems to be glad to be here with us so perhaps not necessary . Right now she investigating my work room including my desk . She is very inquisitive and all the time this LOUD purr . Karen rang me on the way home from work and asked " How 's Candy " . Seems the bush telegraph moves fast . One of her workmates volunteers at APS and when a cat is homed they are all advised and she knew I was going to look at Candy and guessed we had taken her home . Figure it won 't be long before we receive a visit from Karen as I know she is dying to meet Candy and give her a cuddle . Phil seems to think we should go ahead and do this mainly for my sake I think , although he misses Precious as much as I do . I 've been having some quite black days and he is convinced it is mainly caused by not having a cat in our home . I wonder if he is right . I talked to him about it last night and said I thought perhaps I was too old to look after a cat properly as I couldn 't get around much etc etc . His reply was that I had always looked after Precious so well and " Mimsie , you have so much love to give to a cat , that you wouldn 't have any problem . We will go out to the Animal Protection Society tomorrow morning and just see what happens . " So , shortly we are off to Southern River to check out all the beautiful cats they have there . One in particular on their Facebook page had already taken my daughter 's eye but she already has two cats and the same cat took my eye as well so that could be interesting . Will Candy like us . . . . will we like Candy ? Will any of the cats take a fancy to us I wonder ? I asked Phil what would happen if one cat liked him and another liked me . " Well " , said he , " it will be the cat that fancies you , cos we can 't have two cats at our age . " Isn 't that so sweet ? Karen said the ground is somewhat uneven at APS and I will take my little walker so I don 't come to grief and hope it won 't frighten the cats . Apparently there are tables and chairs where you can sit and the cats wander around and occasionally one will make itself known to you . The lady in charge ( I rang them on Tuesday ) said the previous week a cat began to follow a lady around all the time she was there and that lady took that cat home . What a delightful story . Will that happen to us I wonder ? Many of Phil 's stories from his home county of Warwickshire ( now I believe known at the West Midlands ) involve horses . His father , Cyril , used them for both his milk and greengrocery rounds and also for general transport for his wife , himself and of course Phil too when still a a youngster . Cyril in fact never owned a motor vehicle of any kind . There was apparently a horse his dad owned that could be quite a scoundrel and would grab Phil 's dad by the hair and swing him around when the belly strap was being tightened . His dad used to get rattled when he would see young Phil riding his little pedal car straight through under that same horse but the animal must have understood it was a child as he never moved or tried in any way to hurt Phil . Another horse story Phil was telling me the other day was when the family were heading into town one day . They were only about half a mile along into their journey when suddenly the horse , this one 's name was Bob , wandered into the ditch on the side of the road and dropped dead . I asked Phil what happened and in his matter of fact way he said " I guess mum and I just walked back home and dad got help to have the horse taken away " . Life seems so different to we city folk ( which I 've been since I was 6 years old ) and so I asked if the cart tipped over or anything . Apparently it didn 't , but remained upright so none of the three were thrown out . Just another day in country life I guess . Cyril then purchased another horse ( the first one he brought home , a grey , was found to be lame so had to be returned ) , and it was a Welsh mountain pony , a feisty little girl named Doll . As you know this type of horse is a chunky little animal and very strong . Phil told me that one day he and two of his young friends decided to all hop it its back together . They all got up OK but as soon as they were settled Doll sat down and they all slid off onto the ground . It seems they decided not to try that caper again . I posted this this morning , or at least I thought I did but it is not showing on my blog list so I have retyped it . If you see it twice you will understand why . Things have been going somewhat awry of late and this is another glitch that has occurred today . I only hope this post will show properly now . As you may know my mind has been elsewhere for the past two plus weeks . The 1970s were quite eventful for us . I have told about mum 's horrific accident in ca 1970 and losing dad in 1971 . There will be more about mum in later posts as from 1970 she continued working to help the community and eventually wrote her memoirs which were published in 1983 . Today I tell of Steven finding himself an apprenticeship and of us acquiring our own home . I 'll try to get my act together and do better in Part 27 . I sort of threw this one together rather haphazardly . My apologies . I have told that our daughter Karen was married and of the birth of her child , our first grandchild . . . . a beautiful granddaughter . Karen 's hubby worked for Telecom and his job took him to the country a great deal so he and Karen moved to rental accommodation in Bunbury . Phil and I drove down several times to visit , one special occasion being Christie 's first birthday . ( Bunbury by the way is 120 miles south of Perth . . . I have no idea how far that is in kilometres ) . Eventually they moved back to Perth , first renting a duplex in Whitegum Valley , only a couple of kms from where we were living , and later buying a home in Trigg . Our son Steven had decided he did not want to continue at high school to study and sit for his Leaving Certificate so , after he obtained his . . . . . it used to be called Junior Certificate but was later changed to Achievement Certificate . . . . third year high school certificate , we agreed to allow him to take up an apprenticeship and learn a trade . His first choice was to train as a technician with Telecom and the interview went exceedingly well until it came time for him to name various coloured wires . He was unable to name several and it was realised he was colour blind . I am positive we were not aware of this , which may seem strange but maybe nothing had occurred to make it obvious to any of us . The interviewers were , I think , as disappointed as Steven , as they told him he was the type of young man they were looking to employ , but sorry when dealing with electricity etc . colour blindness definitely rules you out . Midland was quite a distance from where we were living but the train line from Fremantle to Midland was only a short distance from our home which made it easy for Steven to get to work and home again . If he should be running late Phil would take him in the car a few stations further along the line to catch the train . Steven did very well and after finishing his apprenticeship obtained several excellent jobs , and did further study which helped him to find even better positions during the years . I 've often been worried about the large amounts of asbestos at the workshops in Midland and back in the 1960s little was thought about its danger . To date Steven seems to have suffered no side effects from contact with asbestos and one can only hope he will stay safe . The workshops closed in 1993 and this is hos they looked in 2005 , all tidied up : It was then I realised just how severe his red / green colour blindness was as he said he honestly couldn 't see the blossoms as it looked ' all sort of brownish ' to him . When he began to drive I asked him how he could tell when the traffic lights had changed from green to red etc . , and he said by the position of the lights as they glowed when on . I 've never heard of anyone going for their driving licence being asked if they are colour blind so it obviously isn 't something that is deemed important . . In 1974 we learned that W . A . Rope and Twine , which had been taken over by Kinnears , was likely to close so we decided to try and find a house we could buy , although we were quite short of cash . We found a very good agent who showed us several houses not really to our liking until one day he telephoned and asked us if we could meet him at 8a . m . the following morning to view a house that had just come on the market at what he considered a very reasonable price . We met him next morning at the house in Hamilton Hill and , although the house was empty and there was no garden to speak of , we thought we could make it a very comfortable home and signed the Offer and Acceptance there and then . It was now up to us to obtain a mortgage and we were very much aware there was little money being made available by any financial institutions at this particular time . We tried several banks to no avail and when we had just about given up the thought of obtaining a mortgage we approached the Home Building Society near where I worked in Cottesloe . The manager was very helpful and I had a feeling she was on our side and she fought very hard to obtain the loan we needed . Within a few days I received a call from her to tell me she has managed to get approval for our mortgage and in fact it was the last loan granted on that day and there would be no more money available for several months . She had attended the board meeting where the money was allocated and pleaded ( or should that be pled ) our case and ever since we have been so grateful to her for the tremendous job she did on our behalf . I mentioned above we were a little short of cash but mum had already promised to help us out and she wrote us a cheque for $ 1 , 400 which was the required deposit . The house itself cost * $ 14 , 000 and , although today they would call it a cottage , it had four bedrooms , a small front verandah and sat on a block of just over 820 square metres which we thought ideal in which Christie , and future grandchildren , could play . We moved in here on 7th May , 1974 and then began lots of work including new carpet in the living room and vinyl in the kitchen , wallpapering to be done and removing the old venetian blinds and replacing them with roller blinds and curtains . I got busy planting shrubs and trees which within a few years quite transformed the place . * On today 's market our house would probably be advertised for sale with a price tag of about $ AUS500 , 000 plus . This seems to me so ridiculous as it is now about 65 years ago and a very simple dwelling . The price of land ( if any were available ) in our area would of course help dictate the sale price . Our council is now allowing multiple dwellings on reasonable size blocks so money can be made out of buying an old house , renting it out for a year or two and then demolishing it and building multiple dwellings on the block . We planted it in the back garden near a huge lemon tree that was already there and the banana grew beautifully and we were rewarded with many large bunches of bananas . These bananas were not the type you normally find in the shops here , but were in fact lady fingers or sugar bananas . Whatever their name , they were delicious . Photos one and two were taken in 1989 and the third earlier in 1987 . You can actually see a few of the lemons in the first picture . In the above photo I am standing in front of an elderberry tree . Phil had planted it with the idea of making elderberry wine ( as they did in the good old days in England ) but , although it flowered . . . which you can see in the photo , it didn 't set any berries . We realised that perhaps cross pollination was needed so no elderberry wine for us as we only had the one tree . I think eventually either the elderberry tree became poorly or Phil just gave up as I know that tree finally disappeared . I am 85 years of age , having been born in 1932 . I am a wife , mother , grandmother , great - grandmother and a bit of an all round twit . Over the years I have done quite a lot of family genealogy and unearthed some family secrets which has been great fun . I am married with a great husband ( second time around has worked for me ) ; I have a daughter and a son , four granddaughters and two grandsons , and three fantastic great - granddaughters plus a lovely step - great - granddaughter in Alaska whom I have never met although I have seen her on Skype . I have had two total hip replacements ( June ' 08 and January ' 09 ) but as I have an extremely bad back ( neck to tail ) and a knee that won 't behave , I still can 't get about very much so am a stay at home . Maybe that is why I decided to take this drastic step and begin my own blog . Will I keep it up ? Goodness alone knows , only time will tell but here goes anyway . I don 't have a lot of followers but those I do have are very precious to me . |
Have you ever crossed a stream on a narrow log , and were so afraid of falling that you felt like just jumping off ? Here 's a blog about that struggle to not jump off , but keep on walking . GLBT friendly , Human friendly . Hello All , The first dream I 'm going to record is one I had about 4 and a half months ago . I also had two short dreams last night , but they 're somewhat mediocre , so they 'll come after the older dream . In the older dream , I was about 12 years old and had moved with my Mom to a bad neighborhood somewhere in California . The dream seemed very real because in real life I moved to North Carolina when I was almost 11 years old , and had some of the same feelings in this dream . So , in the dream my Mom and I had moved to a one story house , with holes in the walls and floors , and no curtains . Even the switches and plumbing were either out - of - date , or somehow faulty . I remember my Mom gave me a little bag of penny candy ( she used to do this in real life when I was little ) , and asked me if I liked the new place we lived in . I was worried about the new school I 'd have to go to . The doctor had prescribed me methamphetamine for ADD , and I was afraid I 'd get in trouble for having drugs , even though I was supposed to have them . I heard a police report about the people who lived in the house before my Mom and I . Two sisters lived in the house , and got killed in a botched drug deal . The police were saying that one of the sisters had just pulled in the driveway , and that she would have survived if she had just hid next to her car , rather than go in the house . In my 12 year old mind I had decided I would hide outside the house ( like the sister should have ) if I got in trouble for my methamphetamine prescription at school . I was particularly unable to get comfortable in the new house because it was in such bad shape . I remember trying to take a shower , but I could only get cold water to come out because I didn 't realize till after the fact that the hot water was turned on by a little switch to the side of the faucet . When I got out of my cold shower and was drying myself off , I remembered there were no curtains , so I had to dry off in the one corner of the room not visible from the windows . That is when I noticed that my Mom had tried Posted by Hello All , Here 's a picture of me in front of the computer , and a picture of Angie on the computer . I 'm going to record a dream I had almost exactly five months ago , and then record some brief fragments I remember from last night and the night before . The older dream I had about a co - worker named Tommy . Tommy and I both descended into one of life 's darker oubliettes at the same time . Our problems had different causes and expressions , but I think the fact we were both in a downward spiral caused a certain understanding between us . I 'm no longer in contact with Tommy , and last I heard he was in a rehab in Canada . In the dream , my mother had a house in a swamp . The house was so overcome by the swamp around it , that the back - end of it was sinking into the water . If you went into the rooms in the back of the house , their very edges were underwater , and most of the floorboards had moss and mold on them . I went to my mother 's house to retrieve something from it , something sentimental . I brought friends with me because the trip was too dangerous for me to take myself . We retrieved some of my precious childhood belongings , and trekked back through the swamp . We had to swim across a deep reservoir to get back to the road . The depth of the water felt more threatening because night had fallen , and now the water and land around me were equally black . When I got back to the road I realized I had left something very dear to my heart in my mother 's swamp house , I 'm pretty sure it was the very thing I had set out to get in the first place . I felt so upset ! Out of all the people with me , only Tommy felt bad enough for me that he agreed to go back with me , even though it was a frightening trip . I really think this dream was reminding me of some warm - heartedness or understanding that I got from Tommy during my " crazy . " Perhaps it 's just a dream , but there is a lot I don 't remember from that time . So , I feel the need to say , " Thank you Tommy . " The past two nights have been a bit restless , so I 've only remembered some dream fragments . ThePosted by Hello All , Today I 'm going to record two dreams , but will post the newest dream first , so I don 't forget any detail . I just woke up and had the dream about 15 - 20 minutes ago . In the dream , I was moving out of a rental house where I shared a room upstairs with one of my house mates . I remember my bed had mustard yellow sheets . I moved out of this house into an apartment of my own . A friend asked me about my old house , but I had already almost forgot about it . I think it disturbed me that the place I just lived in should leave my memory so quickly . I guess it was a fear of separation from the past . I left my apartment on foot , and went to find my sister . She lived in a town house , and the sun was setting . I knocked on her door , but no one answered . I had a small CD player with me , so I lay it on her doorstep and listened to " No Quarter " by Led Zeppelin . She was home after all and just wasn 't answering the door . She only answered the door because the particular song irritated her . She ended up talking to me for a little bit anyway . It was still dusk when I left her apartment . I walked between the townhouses and through yards of apartments , and came out to a street that led to a sea - side carnival closed for the season . The wood of the stands was dried out and splintering from the salt in the air . I came by one closed stand that had a wooden Christmas scene ( the size of a moderate stage ) laying on its back . I traced my fingers along a statue of a toy soldier . I continued walking and came to a mental hospital I had stayed at perhaps when I was a teenager in the dream . I decided to go in because they still had some of my personal effects I never collected , but when I went in they wouldn 't let me go . I took it upon myself to just leave . I recognized the road which left the hospital and began to follow it to my apartment , but it started raining so hard that I couldn 't move very fast , and before I knew it guards from the hospital tracked me down with scent dogs . I was returned to the mental hospital , but a journalist came Posted by Hello All , Yesterday evening I told my Mom my method for remembering my dreams , and just that night I became aware I was dreaming twice , but nearly forgot both . I have a slight memory of one of the dreams . When I 'm not so faded and tired , I can look much more androgynous than I do now . For so long I 've been meticulous about my appearance , but now that things have changed in my life , I 'm too tired . Perhaps that will change some day , and perhaps that 's why I had this dream . I had a dream of being in school again . I abruptly left class because my sister was moving and I had to get some boxes . While getting boxes from a store , one of the employees mistook me as a co - worker , and rudely asked me where the plastic spoons and forks were . Glad to be unhelpful , I just answered , " I 've never known where those are . " When I returned from class the teacher was mad at me for leaving . I was suprised because I left class to do something important , but it soon dawned on me that when you 're in class it doesn 't matter if your sister is moving . I returned to my apartment in a bit of a down trodden mood . As I was making my way past an ill - tempered neighbor 's door , he came out dressed very beautifully . I could hear the silk rubbing together , and smell his perfume . I thought to myself , I wish he knew I could look just as beautiful . In my mind I imagined introducing myself to him , after taking some time with my appearance . Theatrics are theatrics , but presenting an image can be something to be missed . Thank you for reading , Marc Hello All , This time I managed to take a picture of myself much earlier in the morning , closer to when I actually had the dream . I 'm going to narrate two dreams I 've had since I 've been a bit slack about writing my dreams down . The first one I had about two nights ago , and the second dream I had this morning . The first one will be harder to describe because much of it had to do with how the place felt and how I felt , not really how things looked . A big family gathering of a friend of mine was about to take place . I was evidently a friend of the family as well , and was invited to stay over the night during the reunion . It was a very big house with a large yard , and wide deck , elevated about 8 feet above ground level by wooden poles . The house was three stories high , but the first and second stories were actually split level , which is the reason the porch was so high above the ground . I felt uncomfortable about staying over , but it was one of those situations where it would insult the family if I didn 't stay . Nightfall came . I was sleeping in a chair in the family room , along with other guests my age , who were distant enough to the family that they weren 't able to get a room in the house . Everyone in the family room were either sleeping in a chair , on a couch , or on the floor . We joked ( with a grain of sincerity ) that we were the orphans of the house , and we should stay up all night , while they stayed up all day . It 's odd to be a guest , so you feel the need to " make yourself at home , " but at the same time feel too uncomfortable in the host 's house to really accommodate your needs . I find this often to be the case when visiting someone other than a peer . This is how I felt in this dream . I woke up in the middle of the night , and all the other " orphans " were fast asleep . I had to go to the bathroom , and decided to go to one on the bottom floor because no one was there and I 'd be less likely to disturb someone . However , when I got down there , I felt if someone in the house heard me rummaging down there , they might thiPosted by Hello All , My dream last night was slightly out of character for me like my last dream post . It reminded me so much of playing a video game that it took me a second to realize I was dreaming . I had a dream where people lived in protected conclaves with force - fields around them , so only members of that conclave could exit or enter it . Marcus and I ( Marcus was my best friend when I was a teenager and I haven 't seen him in years ) lived in one conclave , but we had another group of friends we secretly contacted ( people from one conclave were not supposed to communicate with people from a different conclave ) over some time . This group of friends consisted of two girls and one guy . Marcus and I , and this other group decided upon a suicide pact , which we were going to carry out separately in our own areas . Marcus had got a very sharp sword that we agreed I would kill him with , and then I 'd kill myself . When we got down to doing it , I realized I didn 't want to kill myself , and that if I killed Marcus like he wanted me to , I 'd just get charged with murder . I told Marcus what I felt , and he decided he didn 't want to kill himself either . We hatched a plan to falsify our identity , so we could sneak into our friends ' conclave . We wanted to try and stop them from committing suicide . When we left our conclave , we were in some sort of flying vehicle . Outside , there were a lot of unmanned flying machines equipped with weapons . We had to keep a certain distance to keep them from detecting us . I remember feeling nervous as we flew over one in particular , I was just hoping our vehicle could fly high enough . We got to our friends ' conclave where we contacted someone we knew there who was a maintenance worker on the force - field . He managed it so we would seem like members of that area . We snuck in and found our friends . The man and one of the girls had already killed the other girl . When we told them we had decided not to kill ourselves , they also agreed . I remember feeling sad for the girl who already got killed . I went to the bed whePosted by Hello All , Last night I had a nightmare . It must of been produced by some increased anxiety I 've been feeling because it otherwise seems to have little to do with my day to day life . Luckily , I had a sense of disassociation from the dream when I was having it , so it 's not as if it was actually a scary dream . Unlike the dream I had in my last post , this dream just didn 't feel like it was really happening . The dream started with a lot of people gathered in a large outdoor parking lot , so something like where a state fair would be held . People sat on the hoods of their cars ( etc ) and talked with each other . On the road going by these fairgrounds , I saw rows of people walking by - - these were some type of alien . It didn 't seem like any of the people knew for sure if the aliens were a threat , but my family , friends , and I already decided to leave the area . We rushed into our cars and drove to a large underground chamber , it looked like a sandstone rock quarry , but was completely underground . That 's were we stayed , closing an enormous door behind us . My perspective then shifted back to the fairgrounds / parking lot area . A couple of young men approached the aliens and began to talk to them . The aliens had a sense of decay about their otherwise human features , and when they spoke their intentions materialized upon the humans they were talking to , like illusions . As one alien spoke to one of the humans , it appeared the young man 's throat was slit , and that the alien had flesh between its teeth . As soon as the young men stopped talking to the aliens and left , the illusion of a slit throat disappeared from the young man , and the aliens looked like normal people again . My point of view then shifted to a number of other people around that particular town getting ready to hide underground from the aliens . I remember one was of a boy alone in his house , taking his pets down to the basement . I also remember a scene of people trying to get out of a mall through it 's back entrances , but most of them were being caught and eaten . Oddly ePosted by Hello All , I had a dream worth recording last night . As it began , a man and I were in bed together . We weren 't having sex , we were just sleeping together . It was really humid in the room , and the window was open . The man I was with was older than me , he seemed very adult and manful . I felt somewhat dazzled to be in this situation with such an authoritative , masculine man . We both had insomnia together , and were knotting and twisting on the bed in a sweaty beige sheet . We would wake up every hour or so , drink wine and smoke a cigar , and talk until one or the other could sleep again . I remember the man would lay the cigar on the windowsill , and every time we woke up , he would tap the ashes off the cigar , and it 'd still be burning . I also had the impression the house we were in didn 't have electricity . When we woke up , we went our different ways in the neighborhood . It was a strange neighborhood tucked away down a muddy dirt road in the woods . It seemed like some people 's houses didn 't have either running water or electricity , or only had one or the other . Everyone seemed to know each other ( including myself ) , and gathered in the middle of the neighborhood each morning to figure out what to do that day . In this particular day , we decided to play in an abandoned school at the edge of the neighborhood . Both the neighborhood and the school sat by a large lake . The dirt road left the neighborhood between the school and the houses , and crossed the lake . After visiting the abandoned school , we all went to the other side of the lake . All the houses on the other side of the lake were completely abandoned . We put candles all over the outsides of the houses and the trees around them , and got dressed into scary costumes . It was like a Halloween parade . We all went our separate ways after this festival . I heard a car come down the dirt road , and went to hide . I think this side of the lake was abandoned because it was too accessible to the general public , and the neighborhood I lived in on the other side of the lake was kind of Posted by Hello All , Today I found out I 've been declined for unemployment aid , nearly 6 weeks after I first applied . Naturally I was upset and laid down . The substance of my life is very thin now . I had a dream swhirling with everything I 've read and done in the past 6 weeks . I was wearing the embroidered robe of a priest , but it was tightly cinched at the waist like a dress . I remember thinking about my last name . It 's " Guilarte " and is Euskara , that 's the language of the Basque people , and I 'm half Basque . My name means " From the Oak Tree . " Dressed as I was , I walked into a forest with so much undergrowth I felt as if I was wading through water . I came to an oak tree . I sat there staring at it quietly for a while . I saw a long unicorn horn come out of it . I thought it was going to stab me because it came right for me . Instead , the horn slid along my shoulder and between my hair , which hangs far past my shoulders . Then I saw the unicorn . It 's body was furry and flexible like a cat 's body , and it 's face was long , but exceptionally narrow for a horse 's . It began to speak to me . The unicorn 's lips curled and puckered like a human 's lips . It whispered into my ear , as if to remind me , " Judge ye not , " I am a withered tree . " " Judge ye not , " I am a withered tree . " " Judge ye not , " I am a withered tree . " I woke up , and don 't feel any better . I 'm thin skinned , and exceptionally afraid . Is there any act of humankind that can calm me ? Thank you for reading , Marc Hello All , I 'm acutely aware of time passing , but when I look back at my life , I 've made such an effort to keep my time consistent it seems as if my life will just keep going on . I know it won 't , so I don 't know what to think of my eternal childhood . When little , first I played in the forest behind my house in Connecticut , and then in the choked and shallow creeks of North Carolina - - always returning to my stuffed animals , books , and daydreams in my room , no matter what age . In my adulthood , I played in the online forests and fields of video games ( MMORPGs ) , while often doing much the same in real life ( swimming , drawing , reading , writing , dancing around in my room ) . I wonder how long it will be that I can count the months on one hand where my life hasn 't changed too much . I even had the same cat from 7 to 27 , and desperately clung onto my parents and their house till I was 28 . Age hasn 't taken much of a toll on me , I look much the same now as I have for many years . I live in fear of the time when I lose that continuity . With every change in my life I always wonder , " Is it now ? " For the present , I 'm unemployed and mostly isolated in my apartment , so I have plenty of time to scour over the past , and try to keep things up . It 's my reluctance to break this continuous chain of events from my past to present that leaves me by myself , and unsure of my future . I just hope I can add another link rather than break the chain when I 'm finally forced to do something different . In the meanwhile , I can look back at the recent past and see how I continued to be able to play with my sister or a friend in the woods or fields , even though it may have been in computer world . I really miss listening to " Trout Mask Replica " by Captain Beefheart , or " Freak Out " by Frank Zappa , while playing the futuristic MMORPG " Anarchy Online . " To some people it will seem nerdy , or unseemly for someone past childhood to gild something like that , but I haven 't been as happy as I was then . . . ever since . I still had my parents watching TV downstairs , some MarcHopes Hello All , For the sake of documentation , I decided to go ahead and record yet another homelessness dream I had on Sunday night . It 's the second dream I 've had that involves Christians trying to kill me . At some point in time , I 'll write down the other one I had a number of months ago . . . hopefully , within proximity to this post , but I 've been busy in the past few days , so I have no ideal how well I 'll be able to organize my next few posts . I had a dream I lived in a rather organized slum . The buildings were made of scrap - wood and corrugated metal boards . The main path was dirt , but had ditches dug on the sides to channel waste water and what - not down the sides of the road . Each building had a little plank that went over the ditch and into their entrances . I was looking for something in one of the buildings . I remember this slum being a lot like what I imagine the middle ages being like . It was very dirty , and appeared to be run by common - law within the community . I remember seeing people bath next to the waste - water ditches , and their nudity wasn 't appealing at all , it was very real , and filthy . . . just animals taking care of their bodily needs . I bought a compact from one of the buildings that had a razor embedded in its powder . When I left the slum , people warned me a man claimed to have a spear blessed by God he planned to kill me with . I was supposed to use the razor in the compact to kill him before he was able to attack me . I left the slum and the woods it was hidden in , and came out to a clean , suburban street . I remember the dream ending as I watched the man talking to some other people on the street . He didn 't notice me coming to his side as I opened the compact and took out the razor . Thank you for reading , Marc Hello All , I had a lot of dreams last night . I woke up with a dream where I was in some third - world country . I can 't remember it 's name , but its sky was milky white , almost as if it was smoky outside . I was in a rural area , and there were trees everywhere , but none of the trees had branches . The land looked like it was covered by telephone poles . I went out into the back yard of the house I was staying in , and it was on a very steep hill that lead right down to a large river , but the incline of the hill was so steep I couldn 't see the bottom of the valley . I remember there being an outhouse in the back yard . I went to a side of the house where the incline wasn 't as steep , and walked down to the valley floor . There wasn 't a big river as I thought , but several very broad , shallow , creeks . Some kid threw a rock in the water , and I heard an old man say , " Oh he wants to wake the country of so - and - so ( whatever the name of the country was ) . At this point in the dream , something in the wilderness made a noise kind of like an owl 's hoot , but with the raspiness of a pig 's squeal . Then it seemed like the whole opposite side of the woods from where I stood started repeating the sound , just like an echo . The noise got louder every time it was repeated . I looked into the woods , but couldn 't see anything making the noise . As I was looking in the woods , I heard the same old man call the animal the Rising so - and - so ( after the name of the country ) . He said that only its own kind could " limit its scourge or scope . " Earlier in the night , I had three dreams related to home - life . I 'll start from the first to last . The first one was a revision of what actually happened in the past . In real life , I stopped working as an assistant accountant , took that summer to study for the GRE , started taking classes that Fall , and was then accepted into graduate school in the Spring semester , but in the dream . I went back to work part - time for awhile ( maybe almost a year ? ) before going to graduate school full - time . I wore slacks and a button down shiMarcHopes Hello All , I thought it important to include a picture that proves I do Indeed get dressed some days , but sought to comfort you with my usual morning picture ( the one with my hair down ) . In this post I 'm continuing my transfer of dreams from my old blog . This dream is part of my beach dream phase . I actually had one other beach dream that I never recorded , so I suppose I 'll try to record it here for the first time , but first here is the one I wrote down . I 'll have to malign my rather stuffy old roommate a bit to record this dream . In the dream , Ashley ( the ex - roommate ) and I had to go to a conference out in Utah . The conference ended nearly as soon as we got there , but filled with an adventurous spirit gained from making such a trek from my home - state of North Carolina , I told Ashley I wanted to go ahead and see the Pacific Ocean , since we had gone so far already . As typical , my ex - roommate reacted with irritation as she was excited to get back to her normal television - programmed routine in NC and snapped at me saying , " I 've already done that ! " I withheld myself from arguing ( which trust me , isn 't normal for me ) and drove her back to our apartment in North Carolina , and drove myself all the way back out West . I arrived in San Fransisco . I reached the city exhausted , and needed to stay in a hotel before I could continue on my trek to touch the Pacific Ocean . I remember watching a documentary in the hotel room . It was about a local eccentric . A scruffy long - haired man , who pedaled around on his bike , with a baby - doll dress on ( the similarity to me is noted ) . This man was strikingly ugly to the point where he was cute , much the way people think pug - dogs are cute . He was noted in the neighborhood for his child - like personality . He had rode his bike into a dangerous neighborhood because a woman there had offered to plait his hair into dutch braids ( corn - rows ) . The police stopped him , knocked him off his bike , and beat him to death because of his appearance . At that point , I had finally fallen asleep in my crusty hotelPosted by Hello All , This is another post where I 'm transferring dreams from my old blog to my new blog . The next few dreams from my old blog are all related to escape , and oddly enough , most of them have something to do with touching the Pacific Ocean , something I 've never done . I had this dream about 3 and a half months ago . I lived in a new prospering city . A place that could only exist on the West Coast , it 's European history remarkably brief . I lived in a hotel stories upon stories high , with every thing inside . A tower of elevators and escalators , vast windows and unending views out into the sea . I was a completely different person . I was someone I 'd be attracted to , rather than myself . I 'd go to my school , only to go out to the beach in front of it 's large tempered - glass windows , framed with steel piping . I put on a wet suit , and swam as the sun set . The light blared through everything , it obscured the landscape as much as fog . I was late for class because I couldn 't leave the rushing ocean and intense level of sunlight . I never feel so much energy in real life as I feel in dreams like these . I soon went back to class as the evening took hold , and only looked forward to the next day to where I again could be so completely blasted by sunlight . I woke up with an incredible amphetamine rush , that only lasted a few minutes , and then I went back to bed . Real life , is so much like , trying to drag a soggy , dead body to shore . Thank you for reading , Marc Hello All , I dreamt unpleasantly last night . However , I take any dream as information , and also as my own little movie , so I can 't disapprove too much of any dream . I decided to take a picture of Angie and I this morning . Each day , she wakes up around 3am and proceeds to play with her loudest toys ( I live in a studio apartment , so it 's basically one room ) , and to tread in every place she knows she 's not supposed to go ( kitchen sink , my desk ) . The past few days she 's been better behaved , so I thought she deserved a close - up . My dream began with me driving to bring an item to a doctor at their home , so it was a personal visit , and not an appointment . When I got there , the doctor wanted to take some sort of test sample from me anyway . The doctor anesthetized me without my knowledge or permission , and locked me in the bathroom . When I came too again , I felt very sick and the doctor had done something to my legs that made it hard to walk , and had operated on one of my teeth , so the tooth was almost all gone , and replaced by a clamp with a dull lead - like finish . The doctor came to the bathroom to see if I had woken up yet . I was very angry and admonished him for not even giving me anything to read . He gave me a newspaper , but I left anyway . I lived with a number of people of different ages , including a girl about 8 or 9 years old . The girl had trouble understanding the seriousness of the rule that my cat is never allowed outside . Some big mess occurred , and everyone gathered to clean it up , but my cat ( in the dream it wasn 't Angie , but a long - furred , orange , tabby kitten ) kept on trying to get in the mess . The girl suggested putting the cat outside , and I became very angry with her . The next day , I drove out into the country to visit a friend . I 'm always nervous about driving into the country , it doesn 't feel safe . In Raleigh , once you leave the city it becomes even more conservative . The rural culture in North Carolina is dramatically different from the urban culture ( and the urban culture isn 't particularly progressiMarcHopes Hello All , Ever since I had the dream I posted in " Frenetic Acting " I always think , " If I had done things right in my life , that 's where I would have been now . " I really love dreams for giving me a taste of having a vibrant and curious life . This is perhaps the earliest dream I remember . I had this dream when I was three or four . My parents , my best friend Craig Gillan , and I were on a cruise ship . Every thing looked adult and fancy , and I remember the pressure to be on my best behavior . I had to go to the bathroom . I turned the faucet on to wash my hands . I tried to turn the faucet off , but it just wouldn 't turn off . The sink basin began to overflow , and I kept trying to turn it off . Soon fish started to come through the faucet , and the sink looked like a little aquarium , but then the sea began to fill the cruise ship . I couldn 't turn the faucet off , the knob just screwed off . We all went to the deck , and some kid had to go overboard with an inflatable raft , then they just brought her back up onto the ship , and said , " See what you did to her . " That 's when I noticed we were still docked . There really wasn 't any danger at all , but the ship 's captain was still acting like we were all going to drown at sea . As punishment they threw me and my Dad into the sea . I remember him trying to grab hold of me under the water . It looked like we were underneath the deep end of a pool . I started to breath the water , and we both began to turn into fish . My dream world has always had such a tangible feel to me , my whole life . It 's as if it 's a place I can go to , if only I knew how to drive to it . Thank you for reading , Marc Hello All , Here is a picture of Angie this morning , and a picture of me standing in front of my desk . The highest picture in the photograph is a picture I drew of the Julian and the Hurricane dream . Last night I had one of those dreams that presents itself in an annoying patchwork , but I 'll try to make sense of it here . The dream began with me in school . A war raged in the continental USA , so it was mandatory for everyone to be trained in the military . I was the teacher 's pet in this program and expected to participate in a street battle in a part of the city not secured from the invaders . I had ethical problems , both with killing people , and with risking my own life , which my parents , the school , and I had spent so many resources and time into teaching and training as an educated member of society . However , my commander ( or whatever he 'd be called in the military ) was so proud of me I had planned to go ahead with the battle and not disappoint him . Some of my class mates began to also question my decision to go on with participating in active battle . I had considered revealing my status as a sexual minority to have myself kicked - out of the military , but that seemed a very cheap and dishonorable way to go . A friend of mine laid - out an easy plan to go AWOL , and I decided that would be a better way to skip - out of military service because I wouldn 't be using my minority status as a wild card to get out of a sticky situation . It seemed in the dream I had already graduated , and this battle was just a graduating step as far as the military school went , so I just left the campus , and that was that . I thought of the surprise that 'd swarm around my military associates and teacher . Now finished with school , and having made my decision to not participate in battle , I returned to my hometown . My hometown had changed significantly . All the old buildings were there , but so many new buildings had been built , that in some places I had to concentrate to see the old neighborhood underneath . I decided to stay at a small motel operation onPosted by Hello All , I decided I have enough energy to transfer another dream post from my old blog . It 's actually rather good timing because I just re - read one of the dreams from its original source in one of my diaries , so have it better memorized than when I recorded it in my old blog . Today has followed the pattern of the past number of days , feeling mysteriously uncomfortable , and aggravatingly unproductive . I simply can 't settle down to the things I want to do , so at least I can do this . I have re - occurring dreams of looking through my grandmother 's house ( she has been dead for almost five years now ) . Often , she has just died , and I 'm at her house trying to save sentimental things from being thrown out , or taken by strangers . Other times , I 'm just looking through the house to try and get to know more about her . My grandfather died when my Mom was 17 , so I never met him . In my grandmother 's - house dreams , my grandfather lives in a secret room . In one dream , I was looking through each room to try and find a secret door . I finally found one , it was disguised by being in the corner of the room , rather than being a door flat against the wall . I opened the door and the room was shaped like an octagon , rather than having just four walls . The walls were green trimmed with gold baroque designs and little cupids . The furniture had green velvet upholstery , with gold - gilded wood . Every bit of counter space was covered with images of the saints , jewelry boxes , photos in fancy picture frames , and ornate bottles and vases , some with gaudy fake flowers in them . In another grandmother 's - house dream , I asked my grandmother if I could go to the bathroom . She excused me , I finished going to the bathroom , but accidentally loudly dropped the lid of the toilet . A secret door flung open behind the toilet , and my grandfather 's angry silhouette appeared with red light glaring behind it . His anger was so powerful that it seemed like a bolt of lighting was pulsing through the whole image of him and the secret door . I quickly ran out and slammed Posted by |
Copyright - Keith R Wilson - 2016 Author : S . Harry ZadeWriting a blog keeps me alive . The Lisping Barista writes a gratitude list So , here I am , the madwoman in the attic . I always knew it would come down to this . Wait , that 's not all . I got an angry drug dealer who used to be my boyfriend and all his henchmen after me ; my current boyfriend shot me in the arm ; and the Spellbinding Fish Fry are playing in Ohio by now . Can things get any worse ? The Fry have got a song where they say when things get bad , just go through all the things you 're grateful for . That 's what I 'll do . Just like in the song . They start off with some things about the sun and the sky , but I can 't start there because I 'm stuck in the attic and can 't see either one of them . But , let 's see . There must be something I 'm grateful for . I got drugs . Not just Vicodin or Percosets , I 've got a guy bringing me oxies . That 's what he does for me . And he gives me all of them , even though he has a broken collar bone and all I got is a bullet graze on my arm . I 'd rather have some weed , but that would entail going to my drug dealer ex - boyfriend , hazardous for him and impossible for me , so we have to settle for what he can get from his doctor , his dentist , the good people at the emergency room , and any other doctors he can find . The oxies put me in a permanent state of suspension from my body , like the two of us have agreed to disagree and are calling it quits from each other for a while . My body 's always been better off without me , anyway . We get along better this way , if you know what I mean . I got the nicest guy in the world , who thinks he 's in love with me . He isn 't the guy I 'd pick because I don 't pick nice guys , but he 's a guy who brings me drugs and straightens out these old dresses I sleep on every morning like they 're a bed to be made . He brings me food when I need it and even a pot to piss and shit in . Then he empties the pot so I don 't have to go downstairs . As nice as he is , I figured out he 's not one of the thirty - six people alive who 're keeping the world from being destroyed . He got disqualified when he shot me because no one like that would 've shot anyone for any reason . That 's why I don 't mind him shooting me so much . It takes a lot of the pressure off me , having to keep him good , so as not to destroy the world . The fact that I don 't have to keep him good means that I 'm free to fuck him , but the weirdo never wants to fuck . I 've quit asking . He 's always afraid his sister will hear us . There 's something about those two I can 't put my finger on . It 's like he 's really married to his sister and I 'm the mistress he 's trying to keep a secret . A mistress he never fucks . Notice that I said he thinks he 's in love with me . I didn 't say he is in love with me . He doesn 't know me . In fact , all this love is getting in the way of him knowing a thing about me . It keeps him from seeing me for the loser I am . So , he keeps loving me , which is what he wants to do . He just wants to love someone , so he invents someone to love . Notice I didn 't say I 'm in love with him . Although , he 's cool , I guess . It doesn 't make any sense , but it 's the love he thinks he has for me that 's getting in the way of any loving I could do . It 's like he doesn 't need it from me . I can treat him as bad as I want and he 'd still go right on loving me because he can 't see a thing . If things keep going on like this , I could end up hating him because he pays no attention to me , even though he 's up my ass constantly . Chai Latte is the guy I really love , for all the shit he 's done to me . I think it 's like this . You don 't fall in love and then choose a person . You choose them first and then fall in love with them because you chose them . And you choose them before you know them , so you don 't really need to know them to love them . In fact , it 's better if you don 't know them . Also , only one person in a couple can choose . That 's why only one person can do the loving . The one who doesn 't do the loving ends up hating because everyone wants to be the one who gets the choice , even though it 's hard and you 've got to work hard and get beat up . That 's the way it is . It 's not the way we want it , so it takes a while before we understand . For now , I 'm happy being the one loved , rather than having to do all the loving . It 's easier that way , even though I don 't get to choose . Screw choice . For whatever reason it 's important , I guess I have to include on my gratitude list the fact that the sister doesn 't know I 'm in the house . When I worked at the cafe , I 'd see her come in wearing her long dresses and cardigans , no matter how hot it is outside . She asks me if I 've seen him and , when I say no , she looks like she wouldn 't believe anything I would say , anyway . Then she gets a look in her eye that tells me there 's a whole lot of crazy going on . I got this attic all to myself . There 's a broken window on one end and a good one on the other that 's really dirty . Birds fly in and out whenever they want . It 's like I 'm a bird in a cage and the real birds are free to come over and see me . They whistle their songs to me and I learn to whistle them back . It makes them happy when I talk like them . When I get bored , I go through the boxes up here and find all the things these people kept and forgot they had . That 's what gratitudes are , I guess . Stuff we got in the attic and didn 't even know we had . The Fry ought to add something in their song about that . I 'll have to tell them . No gratitude list would be complete if I didn 't add the Spellbinding Fish Fry . It breaks my heart that I can 't be with them right now and I left my music behind when I ran out of Chai Latte 's , but I got all their songs in my head . Anytime I want , I can just sing them . It also warms my heart to know that out in Ohio , they and all the Deep Fries are working hard to bring peace , love , and understanding to the world . I am starting to see that , when I get more understanding , it changes what I know about love . I don 't know about peace . Peace could turn out to be very different from what I imagined it would be , just like love . It might turn out to be something I don 't want , either . My boyfriend can 't find me here . The drug - dealing boyfriend , Chai Latte , I mean . He 's going to be pissed when he finds out I 'm gone and even more pissed when he finds out I took the money under his bed . I would 've taken more if I could carry it . I would 've taken less if he hadn 't been such a prick . But then I wouldn 't have needed to run away at all , would I ? When I 'm not snooping around the attic , I 'm counting my money . Three thousand hundred dollar bills . More than this girl has ever see in her life , certainly all at once ; probably more than I got from every shit job I ever had . So , what am I doing , hanging around in this attic like a madwoman , or a caged bird , or a kept mistress who never gets fucked when I 've got all this money ? That 's the thing that erases all the gratitudes . I can 't leave because of that prick I love , Chai Latte . He 's got to be watching my car and he 'll kill me . What was I thinking ? I never should have let the nice guy drag me up here in his attic , but I thought it was a good idea for someone to love me . I should have taken off while I could have . Now , I 've got to lay low for a while , at least as long as the drugs hold out . Then I make my move and do my part in spreading peace , love , and understanding to the whole world . Peace and understanding at least . Posted on April 29 , 2017Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista writes a gratitude list Rabbi ! shares a parable You may be wondering , Dear Reader , why I , S Harry Zade , don 't come right out and tell you what happened to the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista . Why do I dick around with these long digressions ? What is it with the rabbit trail of the Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat ? Who cares about the agonies and the ecstasy of Kenilworth 's resident saint when there 's real action going on . Time is money , you might be saying ; let 's get on with it . Enough of this swirling around suburban streets ; where 's the highway ? Indeed , enough of the journey ; it 's time we arrived at our destination . Are we there yet ? Similarly , you may also be wonder why I , S Harry Zade , as a literary stylist , don 't favor the pared down style of simple , direct , and unadorned prose that 's so much in vogue . Less , is more , the writing teachers say . Take out all necessary words say the resident geniuses at Bread Loaf and Iowa Writers Workshop . Remove everything but the minimal necessary to convey meaning . A journalistic style was good enough for Hemingway ; why isn 't it good enough for me ? Well , there 's a couple reasons why . One practical ; the other deep . The practical reason is that I 'm a fictional character whose sole purpose in life is to be your narrator . I live to tell stories and will get killed off the moment I 'm done telling them . In a sense , I 'm paid by the hour and will linger by the time clock for as long as I can before I punch out . The deep reason is why you should indulge me . It 's what you get out of it . It justifies bushwhacking through the brambles when you could be at camp , eating s ' mores by the fire , already , before stretching out for an early bed . Of course , I can 't just tell you the deep reason ; I have to impart it my own way . It reminds me of another sermon by the Laughing Rabbi , as he told it to us at the Epiphany Cafe . There was a man who lived way up in the hills and ate nothing but raw wheat , which he grew himself . Day in and day out , nothing but plain wheat . It sounded horrible to us . No caramel almond milk lattes , no peanut butter cookies as big as a dinner plate , no cheesy smushed paninis , no scones , no danishes ; why , not even any sandwich wraps . The man came to town one day , got hungry , and looked for something to eat . None of the stores had raw wheat . None of the restaurants served raw wheat . He walked into a bakery . They had something which they called bread . They sold him some bread . It had a hard , flaky crust on the outside and a soft , warm , fragrance inside . The showed him how to drizzle honey on it and he ate . " I 'll have that , " said the man from the hills . He ate the croissant with strawberry jam , just like they showed him . " How do you like it ? " asked the baker . " Can I get you anything to take home with you ? " asked the baker . " Besides bread , croissants , and cupcakes , I also have biscotti , danish , muffins , scones , turnovers , cookies , pies , tarts , cakes , baguettes , and rolls . Maybe you 'd like to try them ? " " Why would I take anything home with me ? I already have wheat , and eat wheat every day . If wheat is the basic ingredient of everything you make , then I 've already had it all . " The laughing rabbi laughed . We didn 't laugh . As laughing rabbi stories go , this was one of his better stories ; but , what did it mean ? We didn 't get the point . Ever since the enlightenment , Western men and women have been preoccupied with narrowing everything down to the essentials . This has resulted in the elocution of the laws of physics and all the advances of science ; but it has also given us reductionism in philosophy and fundamentalism in religion . It 's brought us impersonal architecture , unrecognizable art , and incomprehensible literature . We have turned people into numbers and governance into bureaucracy . We would just as soon interact with machines than people . We 've dismissed everything that makes life worth living as mere fluff . We have become a civilization of wheat eaters . So , there you have it . What would you rather have , Dear Reader ? Bread , croissants , and cupcakes , biscotti , danish , muffins , scones , turnovers , cookies , pies , tarts , cakes , baguettes , and rolls , or raw wheat ? Posted on April 9 , 2017April 8 , 2017Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on Rabbi ! shares a parable The Lisping Barista and the Geeky Guy nurse their wounds The Geeky Guy had seen a bottle of hydrogen peroxide around the house , somewhere . He was looking in all the possible places without resorting to asking his sister or going downstairs , where his sister might speak to him . He moved the broken electronics that were blocking the linen closet door : TVs , flat and bulging ; phones , cordless and corded ; radios , big and small ; fishing boat sonar processors ; VCRs ; laptops ; printers ; fax machines ; scanners ; barometers ; GPS receivers ; CD players ; woofers and sub woofers ; all the treasures he had picked up on garbage day and said he 'd fix . They were all in the way now . He had found the greatest treasure of his life , shot her , brought her home , and needed to fix her ; but he couldn 't find the damn peroxide . She said it was OK , she 'd heard it wasn 't good for wounds , she 'd just use soap and water . She said she didn 't need a hospital , it wasn 't that bad , it had only grazed her . She said she was glad he came , thankful he found her , sorry she hit him with a baseball bat . No , she 'd rather not go to the hospital . A doctor was unnecessary . She didn 't have insurance . This was the perfect place to hide . Chai Latte would never find her here , in this house . No one would come to look for her here , it looked haunted , and no one would suspect she was with him , the Geeky Guy . He needn 't worry . It was fine . He should be doing something for his shoulder . But it wasn 't fine . The peroxide wasn 't in the medicine cabinet , either . Nor , in the bedroom . Nor any other place you would or wouldn 't expect to find it . He came across some ancient gauze his parents had bought twenty years ago for an occasion just like this . There was some first aid tape , so old it lost its stick . There was some disinfecting stuff you sprayed ; but not the peroxide . What was the use of having peroxide if you couldn 't find it when you needed it , when you shot the girl you regarded as your wife and she was sitting on your bed in your bedroom , where no girl had been before , bleeding into the sheets . The sheets were none too clean to be bleeding into , she thought , as she sat bleeding into them . The Lisping Barista was never one to be too fastidious , but she had limits to the grodiness she could accept . She looked around . She wasn 't the most organized person in the world , but she had never seen anything like it . He could barely open the door to squeeze in the room . From there to the bed there was a path where you couldn 't put two feet side by side . Even the bed was partly covered by electronics . A desk had soldering equipment , a bright light , bins of screws , screwdrivers , and pliers , but no peroxide . The room was more of a workshop than a living space . She was relieved when the Geeky Guy , later , after he had given up on the peroxide and dressed her wound , said that she couldn 't stay where his sister could find her . She would have to hide in the attic . It was a major project just to get to the attic door . The door was right there , in his room , behind boxes , piles of laundry , and a garbage can that hadn 't been emptied in ten years . He , with a bad shoulder , and she , with a a bullet hole , together moved the objects , as if they only had two good arms between them . At last they could open the attic door , and they went up the stairs , brushing back the cobwebs , and seeking the chain of a single , bare light . The house on High Street had been in the Geeky Guy 's family since it was built in Victorian times and , since the family had never left , the attic accumulated the detritus of generations . Dusty furniture . Hat boxes . An old daguerreotype camera with a black hood . Trunks that hadn 't been opened in a century . Paintings that only briefly saw the light of day . At one end of the attic a window was broken and allowed the entry of starlings . Though the dirty window at the other end , a streetlight shone . A dressmaker 's dummy produced a headless silhouette against the light that caused them both to come up short . The Geeky Guy thought it was the black ghost of his mother , come to reproach him for clashing with his sister . The Lisping Barista thought it was his sister , who was known to be otherworldly creepy . When reason took over , they cleared a space on the floor , and made a bed out of some old dresses . Once the Lisping Barista threw out the whalebone corsets and arranged a bustle to serve as a pillow , the crude mattress wasn 't half bad . The attic was as crammed with junk as the rest of the house and anything they disturbed would precipitate bouts of sneezing . On a scale of luxury , the attic couldn 't compare to the soft bed , multiple pillows , and fine thread Egyptian cotton sheets of Chai Latte , but the Lisping Barista felt safe with the Geeky Guy , even though , less than an hour ago , he had shot her . The Lisping Barista , being who she was , as soon as she got comfortable , began to get amorous . The Geeky Guy , being who he was , was unprepared for this . He could play the part of Knight in Shining Armor to a T ; but , when it came to sex , he was lost at C . As usual , she was more than willing to make up for his hesitation with her stimulation , but a problem began to arise . It seems that , when one is shot , or hit on the shoulder with a baseball bat , it doesn 't hurt so much at first . Adrenaline , endorphins , shock , crisis , surprise , and relief take over . Then you get busy looking for the peroxide . It 's not until later , after you bring your love home to stay and after you make a bed for yourself out of silk dresses , that it starts to hurt ; and , when it hurts , it hurts like a son - of - a - gun . They discussed a solution . The Geeky Guy would go to the hospital and have someone look at his shoulder . He would say that he had engaged in some sort of a construction project in his house and a beam fell on it . He would get it x - rayed , have them sling a sling , and above all , bring back plenty of Oxies . On that last point , the Lisping Barista was insistent . Percosets would do if they wouldn 't give out Oxies , but he had to come back with something . Don 't act like you want them too much , don 't ask for them by name , but don 't leave for home without them . They needed Oxies enough for both of them and she wasn 't going to go to any hospital where Chai Latte would find her and the cops would start asking questions about why she was shot . She couldn 't go , so he had to and bring back the Oxies . Like she said , Percosets would be fine and even Codeine would be better than nothing ; Fentanyl would be lovely . And she was going to need them more than he because , after all , it 's a more serious thing to be shot than to have a tap on the shoulder , but don 't tell them it was just a tap on the shoulder . Tell them it hurts and you can 't sleep , and you can 't do anything , because of the pain , so they give you plenty of Oxies . The Geeky Guy said that 's what he 'd do and she made him practice saying it . My shoulder hurts so bad . It 's a ten on a ten point scale . I 'll be careful not to abuse them . I don 't want to get addicted . Ow ! Eww ! Damn it , that hurts ! Thank you . Is that going to help ? It was a good thing that the Lisping Barista made the Geeky Guy repeat his lines . He wouldn 't have known what to say . Moreover , he wasn 't paying close attention . His mind was on the headless dressmaker 's dummy in the attic and on the bodiless head of his mother that had been tossed on his lap . Posted on January 4 , 2017December 29 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags F , fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista and the Geeky Guy nurse their wounds The High Street Witch pets her cat With such a large cast of characters associated with the Epiphany Cafe , it 's inevitable that I will neglect someone . You may have been wondering what the High Street Witch has been up to . Now that the Lisping Barista has swung her bat and the Geeky Guy has fired his gun , you may be thinking it 's high time we returned to High Street to see what the witch is doing . Well , if so , today is your lucky day . We 're heading there now ; and so are the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista . The witch was sitting in the front room , petting her black cat and cackling at her sitcoms , not far from the door through which they entered . The Geeky Guy had never been the type to sneak in ; but he never brought a girl home with him , either . Theirs was an ancient house , a warren of undersized rooms which were filled with piles and piles of junk ; creating a labyrinth of passageways to insure that nothing could escape . He was sneaking in now , relying on the stacks of newspapers by the door to avoid her questions . The sitcoms were not so absorbing so as to occupy all the High Street Witch 's mind or her senses . Nothing her brother did ever got past her , although she may not understand it all . She hadn 't been like a mother to him all these years for nothing , although it seemed that way now . She had eyes in the back of her head , like a mother , and she had ears by the door . In fact , she was more of a mother than their mother had even been , as she often found a reason to say . Her brother had been acting strangely , ever since that girl infiltrated their lives . He came home very late from the date and never told her a thing about it . He 'd always told her everything , even when there was nothing to say . Then , she heard he bought a coffee shop . A coffee shop ! Except for drinking coffee , what could he know about coffee shops ? But , if going on a date and buying a coffee shop was all that had happened , it would 've been quite unusual , indeed . But nothing could hurt as much as the single , cruel , selfish thing he did , then . She had left college the very night of their parent 's accident without even packing her stuff . She got on a Greyhound bus that worried through every town , till she arrived at the hospital and found him sitting alone with his clothes covered in blood , too sad to even cry . She never returned to school , foreswearing her own life , in favor of devotion to his . She never asked for anything in exchange , but there was one thing she liked . The very night she returned , he took a bath and dressed pre - pubescently in his PJ 's . She walked through the rambling , dreadfully desolate , old house and thought , how could only two fill this space ? When he went to his room for the night and she went to hers , it was as she was totally alone in the world . No , worse than that . It was as if she had been thrown off the world and was hurtling through the vacancy of space . It was then that her little brother did the most wonderful thing . He knocked on her door . And she did the most natural , motherly thing . She opened the sheets to let him in . They spent that night in full embrace . Two lost children , there for each other , with no one else in the world . That 's the way it had been for years until the High Street Witch found out about the girl , went to the coffee shop , and attempted to cast her spell . You remember the spell , don 't you ? The cruel , calculating , guilt - inducing accusation , designed to preserve a stagnant status quo . " You wish I 'd died with them ; don 't you ? " she had said . " You wish you had my decapitated head under your arm , too . Then you 'd be free to do what you want . " The spell had always worked before . Whenever he would say he would sleep in his own room , she would cast the spell and they would be back in her bed that night , her head ironically tucked under his arm . But the night he returned from that date , he did the cruel thing . He went straight to his old room , evicted the broken electronics they had piled on the bed , and slept there , without a word . It just wasn 't fair . So , now he was coming home with that girl , whispering by the door . They didn 't even stop to explain , but went straight upstairs , leaving the High Street Witch to her sitcoms and the cat . When the footfalls settled upstairs , the cat startled , clawed her legs , and darted to the kitchen , its tail high . As the laugh track on the sitcom guffawed , a lone tear , cast off its faltering orb , careened down the witch 's cheek . Posted on December 21 , 2016December 15 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The High Street Witch pets her cat The Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista meet at the doorway Chai Latte had no reason to ring the bell when he got home ; he had a key . But he might have forgotten his key , so the Lisping Barista thought it was Chai Latte , who rang the bell . His ringing the bell and her answering the door , definitely made it harder for her to hide behind the door and clobber him over the head with a baseball bat . The Geeky Guy expected that , when he rang the bell , there would be a fight before he could get in . He was ready for a fight , he had a gun ; but hearing the Lisping Barista saying come in sounded like a trick . Nonetheless , he turned the knob , pushed the door , and let it swing open . He switched the safety off on his gun , and took a step , not so far as to pass the door ; but just enough to block it . This is the way we step into the future . This is how we receive the knock at the door . With pistols drawn and bats raised , on the defense , expecting the worse . This is how the future enters , how change appears . Rabbi ! once said that , when God finally arrives to wipe away all your tears , you 'll shoot him in the chest . When the World to Come comes , you 'll clobber it with a bat . When God opens the prison door , you 'll assault Him before He takes two steps inside . You 'll bite the hand that removes your chains , kick the shins that brings you hope , squirm in the arms that carry you home . You 'll murder hope before it has a chance to speak . You 'll slay every dream you ever had . You 'll mistake perfection for deception , confuse what you 've always wanted for what you 've always got . Rabbi ! had planned that sermon and tried it out on us in the Epiphany Cafe , but no one believed him . The Lisping Barista had been there . She heard it , but said it was far fetched . She was certain to recognize peace , love , and understanding when it finally arrived for good . The World to Come had already come for her , if only for a few minutes at a time . When it comes to stay , she 'd welcome it with a scream of delight , just as she greets all the Spellbinding Fish Fry 's songs . The Geeky Guy had been there as well . He heard Rabbi ! 's sermon ; but didn 't believe it any more than anyone else . He had always seen things differently ; so , while everyone else mistook the World to Come for something else , he would see it for it was . He 'd recognize it from the schematics , he knew the command language . It 's easy to identify perfection , there would be no error messages . The Geeky Guy 's finger felt for the trigger . The Lisping Barista took another grip . We gave Rabbi ! so much trouble for his prophecy that he never delivered it to his congregation ; but he knew he was right . Little Theresa knew this , too , that we murder deliverance . She had a little statue in her room , a crucifixion , mounted in dung , depicting that very thing . But Little Theresa was not one to give sermons , at least not the kind with words . The Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat also knew this well , although he didn 't know that he knew it . He had killed off every promise that ever arrived . All those ghosts that spoke to him tried to bring him help , but he wouldn 't let them talk . He preferred his salvation packaged in a bottle , with a convenient twist - off top , and the promise of a nickel when returned . That moment , in which the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista were preparing to kill one another , was a moment marinating in irony . It wasn 't a long moment , although it seemed eternal . It was a tableau of the human condition , a representative scene in which a person , any person , every person , will exterminate the very thing they most need . It was also a moment long enough for the Geeky Guy to prepare a plan . The plan was for the Geeky Guy to place his hand on the door and swiftly swing it closed as he pivoted in that direction and pointed his pistol at Chai Latte 's chest . It would only take a second . In the next second he 'd pull the trigger . In two seconds it would all be over ; but first he 'd have to get through this eternal moment . The Lisping Barista had a plan , too , although it was the same plan she had from the beginning . She 'd clobber this man , who she believed was Chai Latte , over the head . Then , she 'd walk out the door , free , without worry that he would follow . She knew that she only had one swing , so she 'd better get it right . If she missed , then Chai would take the bat away and use it on her . In the next few moments she would either be free or dead , both outcomes equally desirable . The next move had to belong to the Geeky Guy . His plan , to place his hand on the door and swing it closed , was a simple operation ; but even simple operations can be screwed up . The Geeky Guy was not experienced in home invasion . If he had been , or if he had taken the time during the eternal moment to plan thoroughly , he would 've known to place his hand on the doorknob , out of view of the person behind the door . As it was , he inexpertly placed his hand over the edge of the door , revealing his plan to swing it closed half a second before he could execute it . This half a second was long enough for the Lisping Barista to spot the hand , predict what was about to happen , and recognize that the hand did not belong to Chai Latte . Chai Latte 's hand had a lot of rings . She knew these rings because , when he would strike her in the face , it was his rings that did the striking . His rings made quite an impression on her . This hand had no rings . It was the hand of the Geeky Guy . The Lisping Barista knew how to swing a bat . She had played softball . She knew that she had to start early , react quickly , and not think too much about what she was doing . The half second was long enough for her to start her swing ; but , after seeing the hand did not belong to Chai Latte , it was not long enough for her to stop it . The very next moment , as the echoes of the shot reverberated through the neighborhood , before the blood began to flow , before the pain set in , was spent with the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista looking at one another , taking in the moment with all its delicious irony . They needed some time to catch up to the rest of us , to know what we 've known all along . Perhaps they remembered Rabbi ! 's sermon and how he prophesied the event , how we try to kill whomever or whatever tries to save us . If the moment before had been a tableau , depicting human resistance to change , the next moment was a second scene that followed the first . The second one illustrated the uncertain moment when two lovers realize they 've wounded one another , as lovers are apt to do . They both gasped . Posted on December 14 , 2016December 10 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista meet at the doorway The Lisping Barista Gets a Song in her Head I have to do this right away or I 'll change my mind . You know , Option # 7 ; the clobber Chai Latte with a baseball bat one . As soon as he leaves , I get the bat and wait by the door . While I 'm waiting , I got this song going through my head . It 's from the Spellbinding Fish Fry . They call it , One Heaven . It might be my favorite . It goes like this : Yeah , I know . You got to be there . The song goes on like that for a hundred verses with all kinds of categories . Every time I go to a concert , they got more . They don 't call them spellbinding for nothing . Anyway , it 's a feel good song . They 're all feel good songs . They promote peace , love , and understanding . The first time I went to hear the Fry I was meeting friends . I couldn 't find them , so I make my way to the stage , turn around , and work outwards , you know , so I can see faces . Everyone 's smiling and I start to get paranoid because I think they 're all laughing at me . I 'm about to lose my shit right there in the middle of the concert ; but , then I realize , hey , it 's feel good music . All these thousands of Deep Fries are just feeling good ; that 's why they 're smiling . They 're not laughing at me . I used to think I could be down with peace , love , and understanding . One heaven for everyone was good for me . Now I 'm not sure . What 'll I do when I get to Heaven and Chai Latte 's there ? I hate it when he comes home . I hear his key in the door and I wonder how he 'll be . No , I can 't see spending eternity with Chai . A couple weeks is bad enough . For that matter , what about Hitler , or Stalin , or Attila the Hun ? How 'd you like to be in heaven with them ? That would be totally whacked , sitting on a cloud with Osama Bin Laden and strumming harps with Vlad the Impaler . I know what you 're saying , they got Hell for that kind . They don 't let them into Heaven . St Peter turns them away at the door . It makes me feel real good thinking of Chai at the end of a pitchfork , getting roasted with his feet in a block of ice . I like that . But then I think , if I like torturing him so much , doesn 't that make me as bad as him ? What 's worse , beating up your girlfriend a couple times when you 're drunk , or clobbering a guy with a baseball bat and wanting to fry him in Hell forever when you 're stone cold sober ? No , I 'll have to get my shit together before I show up in Heaven . They won 't let a bitter , vindictive type up there . Otherwise , I 'd be like the one guy at a Spellbinding Fish Fry concert not smiling , arms crossed , scoffing at how naive everyone is , not even taping my foot , much less dancing in the dusty infield . OK , so , maybe I don 't have to send Chai to Hell . God 'll do it for me . Or St Peter , or some other bouncer dude they got up there . But that doesn 't work either . Then you got God not smiling when He 's supposed to be the host . You got St Peter checking off from a list of wrongs , scoffing at people , because they 've got the balls to line up for Heaven . You got a bouncer dude standing around with his arms crossed , saying with his eyes , just give me an excuse to kick your ass . That doesn 't sound like Heaven to me . Heaven , to me , is like a Spellbinding Fish Fry concert . Everyone 's happy and loving everyone except , maybe for a few walking around , thinking everyone is dissing them . Hilter , Stalin , Attila , Osama , Vlad , Chai , that whole evil crew , getting uptight and paranoid because they can 't imagine a place where everyone 's happy . I 'm about ready to forgive Chai Latte and plan on smiling at him when we I see him in Heaven ; but then I hear the door . I 'm standing behind it with a baseball bat . If I don 't clobber him , I 'm fucked . Posted on November 30 , 2016November 20 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags Battered women , fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista Gets a Song in her Head The Geeky Guy Goes Out in the Rain to Get the Meaning of Life The next day it started raining , tentatively at first , like a long - silenced wife who , for the first time , is asked what she thinks . Soon the sky was packed tight with clouds and the drops got bigger and bigger , until the rain filled the world with a heavy beat , suggestive of a long - suffering wife smashing the dishes . It was like a disease of rain , dull in its unvarying monotony , smothering as a fever , cruel as suffocating phlegm . It fell over all of Kenilworth ; over the Head Surveyor , whose transit fogged ; over the Town Cop , whose brim ran rivets ; over the Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat , who huddled under his dumpster ; and over the Crazy Dog Lady 's dogs , who saved their shaking till they got inside . It inspired Rabbi ! to write a sermon about Noah . It pockmarked the Connecticut River and gave it strength . It flooded Abraham Pierson 's grave and dampened Chai Latte 's drugs , but it did not extinguish the Geeky Guy 's desire . The Geeky Guy still grieved over the one he regarded as his wife , the Lisping Barista . No little bit of rain , or ocean full of rain , would dissuade him from what he thought was right . He would go to her , claim her as his own , and set her free . He had a gun and could make it happen . Perhaps we should pause for a minute , if only because he failed to , and examine why he felt this way . We should ask the question of him that the Therapist Emeritus would have asked had she still been there . We should seize hold of the Geeky Guy , hang tight to his sleeve , and demand one thing of him before he goes . We won 't ask him this , though . You won 't because you are just a reader and cannot leap into the pages of a book and affect its outcome . I won 't do it because it 's raining outside , the Geeky Guy has already left , and I don 't want to get wet . It wouldn 't do any good , because the Geeky Guy wouldn 't know how to answer and , if he did , he wouldn 't know how to say it right . You see , it was not the Lisping Barista that he was trying to save ; it was the meaning of his life . It was not a relationship he needed to preserve because , in truth , he had no relationship except that of employer to employee . The Geeky Guy thought his life had no meaning other than the Lisping Barista . It had no meaning before she arrived , and it would have no meaning if she left . Having meaning in his life never seemed an important thing before she had said yes . He used to go to work every day and tinker with his engineering projects without one . He 'd come home and tinker with his electrical projects without one . Days , years , and projects came and went without the Geeky Guy ever thinking about their purpose . But when the Lisping Barista did come into his life , bearing its meaning , he began to believe it was an essential thing . A meaning , you see , is very powerful ; more potent than a gun . A gun can only kill you , but a meaning can affect your whole existence . Without meaning , he came to believe , there was no reason to have been born . The Geeky Guy should have been more careful about where he had found the meaning of his life and what he did with it . He shouldn 't have found it in the Lisping Barista , who was a fickle thing . He should have found it in his engineering , which was built to last ; his electronics , which kept a charge ; or even his sister , who rarely left the house . He could have taken up charity work , written the Great American Novel , or found a cure for cancer . Any meaning of life would have been better than adopting the Lisping Barista as the meaning of his . It was bound to end badly . He should not have acted as though the meaning of life was so precious that it needed to be hoarded whenever found . He could always find another . In fact , meanings of life are quite plentiful , like stones on a Connecticut hillside . You can 't walk a hundred paces in any direction without stubbing your toe on a dozen of them . To put it another way , each meaning of life is like a lungful of air ; no sooner are you done with one when another comes along to replace it . The Geeky Guy was acting as if he had come upon a fine lungful of air and had to keep it because he might not get another . He also made the mistake of thinking that the meaning of his life was like a riddle that had a single answer . The meaning of life is not like a problem in mathematics , which either adds up or doesn 't . It 's more like a design problem ; there 's a million ways it can be solved . There is no right answer and there was no one but him who could give him a grade . At least the Geeky Guy did not make the usual error people make regarding the meaning of life . At least he didn 't fret over whether the meaning of his life was worthy of his life . Perhaps he felt his life was not that valuable and that any meaning would be good enough and better than none at all . At any rate , she was a sufficient meaning and he was determined to keep it . Having a meaning of life meant something . It meant he had something greater than life , something he could exchange for life . It meant he could die , for if his life had meaning , so would his death . It also meant he could kill . |
My name 's Idola , I live in southern California , S . D . , and have for all of my life . For the longest time I only believed in a certain religious standpoint since I was in school , no other afterlife included , until I was around eight years old and it was the year of 2004 . It was the beginning of third grade and I met a particular girl in my class ; she was quite strange and convinced me that there were ghosts and demons that followed her all the time . I couldn 't debunk her ' experiences ' so I decided that there really must be something other than what I was taught . Soon , I got engrossed in the paranormal and read everything I could on it . I didn 't believe in demons or other specific bad entities , but I tried to stick to what was scientifically possible . For a whole year I studied , or tried to as girls my age just seemed funny when they ' researched ' something like that , the paranormal and kept my head on something like : Spirits are like spiders , more afraid of you than you are of them . But it never helped that I was a child , still kind of am , and this was something that seemed beyond reach of even adults . There was one night , though that changed all of my hopes and fears into mixed confusions , what I believe to be my very first ghost experience that I was aware of . I had been waking up at 2 - 3 : 00 in the morning through my bedtime hours every night for the previous three nights . At first , I brushed it off and tried to sleep , but the last night I woke up was the night the experience happened . I was cocooned inside of my blanket and was sweating ; just as I was about to open it up and free my body from the blanket 's clutches , the bed began to shake . At first , it felt like someone below me , as I was in a bunk bed with my two brothers , but it moved in a certain way that I knew something was wrong . Scared , I was glued to my spot at the front edge opening of the bunk , and something climbed onto the top where I lay . People have asked before , " Wouldn 't it have been one of your brothers ? " or said something like , " OMy Mother 's Ghost I will start my experience like this I suppose . My experience as it is , happened about eight years ago . My mom 's dear friend who I had come to conclusions was like a mother to me in every way . She passed away from cancer when I was just a little girl . I am now 14 years old and starting high school . Since my " mother 's " death I have seen all kinds of strange occurences , but one in particular which will haunt me for the rest of my life . I was sitting at my computer all alone in my house and I had my hall light on as I always do . I looked up for a moment when I heard a strange noise , and like I said no one was home with me ! I saw nothing at first and returned to what I was doing , and soon enough I saw something out of the corner of my eye . A black shadow that was nothing but a blur at first . But then it changed into a figure and became my " mother " ! Coming towards me saying something but no sound came out . She looked at me for a second and vanished . I never saw her again to this day . I still wonder what she was trying to say . . . This may sound fake to everyone , but what happened in this story is true . I was honestly possessed and this is not a case of sleep paralysis . April 2009 . The exact date I am not sure , but I know it is the end of the month . May day , fast approaching . I lie in bed attempting to sleep , but some other force is forcing me to stay awake . I know this because I was passing out on the couch downstairs , hardly able to drag my feet two flights of stairs to my bed . After what seemed like hours of tossing and turning in my sleep I heard a frantic voice somewhere in my room and man whisper harshly close to my ear . Wanting to hide under my covers , I was unable to and shot up like something , or someone else was possessing my body . " Steven . . . don 't ! " That wasn 't me , I was sure it 's not , but it was my mouth that opened and was forced shut by a hand . " Shut your f * * * ing mouth , Elizabeth , or I 'll shut it for you . " Glowing red eyes and a shadow with a deviant grin stared me in the eyes . I 'm not Elizabeth and who the heck is Steven ? I asked myself . Not wanting this to happen to me I forced myself to talk to both Steven and Elizabeth , in the process expelling Elizabeth 's spirit from my physical body . In doing so , Steven lashed out at Elizabeth throwing her body into a corner . Steven went over to the corner where she was , looming over her examining the damage he had done . Pleased with himself , he leaned against the wall . Myself more ready to confront these spirits , managed to ask who he was and why he was here . Not able to elicit a response , it took all my willpower to ask him , no , command him to leave as Elizabeth 's spirit had already departed . With one last grin and a slight nod , Steven left as well as though he was testing me to see if I was strong enough to confront him . However , the year after on the same day , or close to it , seeing I don 't know the exact date , I feel the presence of Elizabeth and Steven and dreamt the same dream or violence that caused me to toss and turn in my sleep . Though they are not as prominent , theyThe Old House When I was 7 I lived in this old house ( I don 't live there anymore ) and it was haunted . My first scary experience with a ghost was when me and my mum were playing games in the lounge room . My dad had just left for work . It was early in the morning so it was still dark outside . I was sitting next to the TV waiting for mum to go get the game when I look up our hallway , and at the end of the hallway there 's our spare room . I saw a man sitting on the couch ! He was wearing some kind of black cloak , and he was staring right at me . It didn 't really scare me because my mum had told me about ghost and how they can 't hurt you . I pointed at the man and told mum . She went up the hallway into the room and was asking where he was . I didn 't want mum up in the room because of the ghost so I kept yelling " MUM COME BACK ! " and right when I said that the ghost turned its head and looked at my mum . The next day I went in the room and nothing was there . There was another ghost in the house , a little girl who used sing and run up and down our hallway . I saw her once , she had Long hair the a bow with a pink dress . I could always here her singing ! Anyways , more about the spare room . It was always cold in there ! One night I was watching TV in there and fell asleep on the couch . I had nightmares about the man killing my family . I woke up and I had wet my pants ! Anyone who went in that room had bad feelings about it . Another time I was sleeping in my room when I heard loud footsteps in the hallway , I heard my door open then I felt something sit on my bed . That house was definitely haunted ! A couple of years ago , my friend Chris and I were parked in a neighborhood parking lot , listening to music and having a very normal conversation during what seemed to be a very normal night . It was about 1 : 30 or 2 : 00 in the morning . We were listening to music and enjoying each other 's company in his car when he interrupted our conversation and said , " Oh , now THAT is weird . " He was staring at my window . I was sitting in the passenger side , and it was mid - December in Virginia so it was pretty cold outside . Our windows were predominantly fogged because of how warm the inside of the car was . I turned towards my window and didn 't see anything . I was trying to see outside of the window . " What is it ? " I asked . He said , " Look at your window . It looks like there 's an imprint of a skull . It 's sideways . " And sure enough , in the dead center of the window , there was a sideways skull , about normal size . It did not look angry , but it was slightly detailed . It looked almost as though an artist had drawn it onto the window . I instantly became terrified . I covered my face and screamed , " PLEASE wipe that off of my window ! " I moved closer to Chris and he used the jacket of his sleeve to wipe it off . He then rolled down the window and the window was clear of fog . Needless to say we were both a little freaked out . He rolled the window back up and we resumed our conversation . A few moments later , I remembered the skull and brought it up . " That skull thing was pretty weird , " I said , getting frightened just thinking about it . " Then don 't look at your window again . " Anxiety kinda took over me . My window had fogged up again , but I couldn 't help but look to my right . I thought he was joking . There on my window was a skull , it was also sideways , but this one was bigger , almost taking up the entire window . It was angry . . . its teeth had so much detail , it looked as though there were cracks in the teeth . The mouth of the skull spread towards the back of the window making what seemed like an enormous menacing smile . There were drips from theFigure Of The Night My name is Emma . I am 13 years old . My great nan recently died and that was devastating for me . I so upset one night , and had trouble forgetting about never seeing her again . At about 2 : 30 am that night , I could hear footsteps in the kitchen . I switched my lamp on but it started flickering on and off . It felt as though someone was playing with the electricity . I switched the light off thinking Mum or Dad had gotten out of bed for a drink . I tried to get back to sleep . Then I heard more footsteps , but bigger and heavier . I looked up at my door to see if a light was on in the kitchen , and then I saw a figure outside my door holding it open . The shadowy figure had a dark hood on and was standing there looking at me ! I was horrified . I pulled the covers over my head , and tried to fall back asleep - but it was simply impossible . I looked at where the figure was standing just to get a little glimpse , but it was GONE , the door was shut , and I could still hear footsteps . Everything was pitch black . I looked at my mobile and read a text message from a blocked number , it read : ALWAYS TRUST IN YOUR SPIRITS GOOD OR BAD - INCLUDING ME . SIGNED : J J ? J was the inital of my great gran , the one who had just died . I layed awake for hours and hours until the morning so startled about the text message and everything else . I don 't know if I was imagining things , but it was a little bit of a coincidence . This is Venki from India and what we call ghosts or sprits whatever a paranormal thing is real . These are not fake entities but there world is different than us which we can 't see so we are not supposed to understand . I am not a psychologist and not even any person can see them or feel them . I am 23 and have seen these sprits two times in my life . These are 100 % true incidents believe me . Now coming to story . Please read it carefully and understand . For any query contact me on ngpprince @ gmail . com . Story 1 : Nightmare on my friend 's street . When I was in 4th class , I went to my friend 's house to take a notes of English in which we have to complete homework . I gave my notes from the morning in school to him but forgot to take them back . That night I realized I should complete my homework , otherwise my nightmare teacher will kill me . So I went to his house for notes and I am bit lucky that I have got 1 experience with ghost . Actually I and my brother both went over there and we stood in front of his house and start calling him . But the house 's main door was closed and the time was near 10 PM . We started calling him again and we saw straight that one person was coming towards us from that road end , an area was underdeveloped . We can clearly see and differentiate that this is something different than a normal person and we realized one dog is standing beside us and continuously start screaming . My bro told me to wait don 't run let that object to come towards us . And we stood there and allowed it to come near us . Then it came at the distance of 15 ft , below a street light and clearly we can see that it 's not a human being , it 's a paranormal thing . It 's actually a women looking thing but she didn 't have face , just a black spot on her face and in white dress . We both ran towards our house and as we opened the gate we heard some voice in very high volume ( a girl screaming ) . But only we heard , nobody else , and we told this happening to our parents but they did not give much stress on this incident . We forgot The Necklace As a child I was constantly told stories from various family members of being haunted by a rather playful spirit . Named " Hilda " by my grandmother , this ghost supposedly wreaked havoc for years until my mother and her family moved away from her childhood home . After my divorce , my mother and I moved back into her childhood home with my young son . Everything was peachy for several months . One day my mother revealed that she had seen shadows and that household objects would disappear , only to show up sometime later . I quickly dismissed her claims . One afternoon I was preparing to go to work . I was alone in the locked bathroom and in the process of placing my necklace around my neck when it suddenly slipped from my grasp and hit the floor . Absent mindedly I reached down to the place in which I heard it land only to discover it had vanished . A little confused , I searched the entire bathroom but could not locate the necklace . The necklace had been a gift from my grandfather so I was very upset and dwelled on the incident for weeks . I just could not fathom how a solid object could just vanish right before my eyes . I began to research black holes and magnetic fields , but this explanation did not satisfy me in the least . One day I walked into the bathroom and instantly felt the hairs on my neck prickle and my pulse begin to race . Then I did something I had not done in 20 years - I screamed for my mother . There , on the bathroom floor , was my necklace . Mom put an arm around my shaking shoulders . With a slight chuckle she announced , " Hilda strikes again ! " This is A very true and personal story . Nineteen years ago I was 18 years old and had recently found out that I was pregnant . Not sure of what I wanted to do , my then teacher ( I 'll call her Liz ) and my best friend Maureen decided we would take a trip out to Bridgeport , Connecticut . Liz thought because I was very young and still making an effort to get my life in order that a baby would not be the best thing for me . Liz said because I was only a couple of weeks into my pregnancy that her mom could terminate it with a special tea . Me in fear of telling my parents that I was pregnant , decided that it would be best to go along with Liz 's idea . Maureen and I made up some story to our parents about us having to go to Connecticut for a school project . They bought it , and we were on our way . Things started to go wrong immediately . On the high way we almost veered off the road after Liz lost control of the minivan but still we proceeded . Upon reaching the house we were a little tired , but nothing extreme it was only a four hour drive coming from Rhode Island . Liz introduces Maureen and I to her parents , they seemed like pleasant people , but for some strange reason upon entering the house I felt my hairs stand up all over my body . It wasn 't fear , I could just feel and almost hear energy . I know that sounds strange to some , but now that I 'm older I have learned that I have a gift . It all started when I was very young about 11 years old My mother and I were in the kitchen , mom was cooking and I was goofing off and all of a sudden this beautiful white glitter dust just fell from the ceiling , it was beautiful ! I remember holding out my hands to catch some . I screamed out , " Mom , look ! " and she turned around from the stove with a deer - in - headlight look on her face . It was all over us , our hair , arms and we were in amazement not fear . Mom bent down to the floor which was covered in the glitter dust as well and rubbed the floor and I did the same I remember seeing my hand print in it , and in an instant it was gone , all of it gNightly Visitors Ok , so let me tell you about myself first . I have always believed in ghosts and the paranormal . And I somehow have been attached to ghosts from my childhood . So now the story . We have been living in an old house in Ashford , SA . It 's a pretty big house , with two bathrooms , two bedrooms , a large kitchen , and a beautiful living room . Well , everything was all right the first few days but after a few weeks , things started to happen . Things would disappear from their places and appear at different areas of the house , sound of heavy breathing , red eyes would appear staring at us and then disappear into thin air , the bed would shake violently at night and the things are unaccountable . But after months we started seeing things . I would often see headless cats walking in the hallway , and this ' white lady ' would often visit us at night . She had black hair and pale white skin and would walk around my room . Sometimes I heard her saying things like " Get out " , " This is my house " and " Leave this house " . But any of the spirits did not harm us . After years , things started settling down and we no longer experience things . My name 's Bekka and I would like to share my stories with you . None are particularly scary , depending on your view of the paranormal , I suppose . My first encounter was when we lived in an old Mill outside of Royston , UK . It was a semi - detached house with 4 floors . At the top of the stairs on the - what would normally be - the first floor , leading to the " basement " ( which lead to two bedrooms and a bathroom which belonged to me and my sister at the time ) always seemed very cold , no matter the weather . I was about 4 or 5 at the time and a big house in the dark is always scary ! I had woken up in a cold sweat and was really thirsty so I gathered my blanket around me and began my mission up to the kitchen . In the dark . Halfway up the stairs I could hear a weird wheezy sound . I assumed my mum - who has brittle asthma - was up and was sitting at the dining table . I was completely wrong . I was nearly at the last stair when I felt this presence press against my left side and it was freezing . I didn 't want to look but something just compelled me to and what I saw was one of the saddest things I 've ever witnessed . In the wall at the top of the stairs was a double panel ; like pipes that have been boxed in , and for a moment , it was like the whole panel had just popped off and there was a wounded soldier sort of strapped into this tiny little space . He couldn 't move and I presume he couldn 't talk either . I couldn 't help but scream at this strange man staring at me through a solid wall , in my very own house ! In an instant he 'd gone and the panel was back in place . I got my drink and crept back to bed hoping I hadn 't woken my sister up and just lay there all night wondering who this man was and why he was stuck in the wall . My second experience was when we moved to France . We only lived there for 5 years and I hated to leave it behind . We lived in what I think would be called a Rectory and it was only 10 - 15 metres away from our little village church . We were basically in the church yard . It was a really early morning , Shadow Man And Little Shadow People My brother who is now 27 had just moved into his new house . He moved out for an unrelated reason but admitted that he was experiencing unexplainable things . Such as noises in another room , but stopped when he approached it . Shadow - like beings seen out the corner of his eye . He saw quick reflections in the TV which was off at the time . His 1 - year - old daughter , began to scream at the stop of her lungs and cry at 9 : 30 pm every night . He and his girlfriend heard an extremely loud crash that sounded like glass breaking that scared the both of them . When they went to go see what fell there was nothing . Her sister and their two daughters were sleeping at the time and they heard nothing because they didn 't wake up . Also a neighbor had mentioned that the previous renters had moved out shortly after moving in due to them seeing a toaster fly off the counter and hit the wall . However , that 's not what leaves me questioning . After he admitted that , we got to talking about our experiences . I being a paranormal fanatic my ears were glued . He told me about what he experienced when he was little . We lived in separate houses so I never experienced any of this ; in fact , I never knew about any of this before he told me . My mom and step - dad had the living room in the den . All of the things that happened to him only happened when our parents were in the den . They later moved out of the den to the other spare room not due to experiences but just because they wanted more space . He said that when he was little , about 5 to 8 years old , he saw a big tall shadow man - his eyes were big and black and he had a bone like face that was in a shape of a square . When he saw this bone - faced shadow man , he quickly rolled over facing his back towards it and shut his eyes . He felt like his whole body was lifting up in the air . He didn 't open his eyes until he felt like he was back on his bed . He then opened his eyes , and nothing was there . On another occasion when he saw the shadow bone man , he heard someone walking down the hall . He thought it was Mysterious Hissing And The Room Of Sounds Mysterious HissingThere are several stories regarding my friend Moz 's house . It 's a nice , big farm - house on the fringe of Ashland . It 's run by Moz 's parents , Mary and Larry ( I 'm not making that up ) . They have cows , chickens , goats , horses , and even peacocks . I had spent the night in their guest room a few times before , but nothing like this had ever happened . What happened last time I slept in that room , however , was the reason it was the LAST time . It took me a second to realize I had woken up , but was confused to find that it was still quite dark outside . I 'm a light sleeper , so I figured something had woken me up . My mind then started remembering why I woke up , and a very human - like hissing sound came to mind . All of that happened within a few seconds . I was confused . A hissing sound ? That didn 't really make sens - " Ffsss ! " My mind was interrupted by the sound again . Not fully convinced that it really happened , I held my breath , to make sure it wasn 't my nostrils making that sound . The seconds painfully passed as the room remained silent . " Ffsss ! " It happened again , quite clear that time . Very quickly I got up and left the room , utterly terrified . I immediately went to the living room to check the time . 5 : 13 AM . I played Fable until Moz finally came downstairs around 10 : 00 AM . I retold the story to her , but she didn 't seem too interested , like she didn 't believe me . We went in the room and looked . I found out there was another door in the room that lead outside ( with a tiny window above it ) , but it was against the back wall , behind a large mattress . To this day I have no idea what that was , and why it sounded so human . Moz said it might have been one of their cats hissing , but I know a cat hiss as opposed to a human hiss . And it was more of a ffsss sound anyway . The Room of SoundsAfter a while of knowing Moz , we 'd gotten pretty close . Rather than sleeping in that creepy old guest room , I slept on the top bunk of Moz 's bunk bed . She sleeps with ear plugs , and I can see why now . Her room makesIs My House Haunted ? I 'm only thirteen years old , yes I know I 'm young but I promise that everything I include in my story is real and I am genuinely scared . It all started around three years ago when I would knock on the ceiling and something would always knock back ! I could even ask " them " questions ( knock once if girl , twice if boy ) that sort of thing . A certain toy would go crazy by screaming that there was an intruder in my room near enough the same time throughout the night , we finally had to get rid of it . I would always hear banging on the stairs that sounded like footsteps , but nobody else would . Recently , I got a pet kitten . A few months after getting her she would refuse to go up the stairs , she would yowl and hiss until somebody walked up with her . She then started to get a little braver until one day she ran wild down the stairs screaming , her tail went really bushy and big and she seemed really frightened ! Another encounter happened when I was on the Xbox Kinect and there was a black shadow arching over my head . I got freaked out and ran downstairs and when I returned it has gone . The next day , my good friend came over my house . We decided to play a trick on my parents so we hid in the under the stairs cupboard , we heard very loud footsteps on the stairs repeatedly and when my parents returned they stopped . My final encounter happens when I sleep , I get scratches on my arms for no apparent reason , I will find them when I wake up in the morning . I don 't have nails so it cant 't be me , and my kitten is not allowed in my room . The door is shut . I 'm sorry it 's so long but I 'm really scared and would appreciate if somebody could email me their views ? Many years ago , when I was only about 7 years of age , I had a petrifying paranormal experience that I 'd like to share with you . It was night , about 1 o ' clock in the morning ( that 's a rough estimate ) , when I suddenly woke up . I distinctively remember the entire room being ever so cold . I lay under my duvet , struggling to get to sleep . Next without a warning , a figure just randomly appeared . Obviously , I can 't see myself , but I guess that all the colour from my face would 've disappeared . He was a tall but fat man , wearing a top hat , with posh clothes on . I stared in disbelief . He gazed into my eyes . Looking back on it , I know that he wouldn 't have hurt me , but I couldn 't help it . I screamed as loud as humanly possible . I instantly woke up everyone in our house and next door . My father burst into the room . The second he did , the figure disappeard and I was crying my eyes out . A few years later , when I was probably about 10 , I was discussing the matter with my mother . I described the figure to her . She told me that it was her dad , a WWII veteren , who died quite recently . Next , she showed me a picture of him . It was him . All my life I 've wondered what I saw that night . Whatever it was , it sure was scary . Hi , most stories have an introduction but I am going to go straight to it . I was reading a book late at night and I heard a strange noise sort of like a growl sound . I have no idea what it was but it was really quiet . I stopped reading to look for what it was . I thought it might have been one of the cats so I kept on reading . Later on I heard it again only this time it was louder . I hopped out of bed to see what it was but I couldn 't see anything , it was too dark with only a lamp on . I went back to my room but I couldn 't find my book . I looked under the sheets and everything . I went back out of my room to check on the bench but it wasn 't there so I got another book . Then I took one look at my pillow and it was there nice and neat . Later out of the corner out of my eye I thought I saw a shadow thing creep up to the stairs of my bed ( I have a bunk bed with my sister ) then when I fully looked at it it went away . Moments later my sister told me to stop calling her name and that she can 't go to sleep . I said I wasn 't doing anything . She said can I come in your bed and I said yes , trying to be a good big sister . My sister then thought she saw a shadow thing right at the top of the stairs to my bed . I said do you want me to go on that side and she replied yes . With my eyes watering from fright , my sister crying , and trying not to be scared , we decided to tell Mum . She didn 't believe us at all . Thats all that happened for the rest of the night . My sister only slept with me for a week but I think things are starting to happen again . . . I 've been hearing / seeing spirits all around my house . I was home sick one day from school and my parents were at work so I decided to do some laundry . I got all the dirty clothes from my room and headed to the basement where I saw a black shadow with a hat on right at the bottom of the staircase . I immediately called my mom while she was at work she just told me to watch some TV to get my mind off of it . But she didn 't understand I was so terrified . I took a nap thinking I could sleep it off and a black shadow appears standing in front of me . I start crying and put the blanket over my head . When I take the blanket off the shadow is gone . When my mom got home later that night and I told her that we could have a ghost in our house . She just told me there was nothing in our house . A couple months later my parents went out for the night with my brother and my sister was at her friend 's bonfire . I was a little upset that I couldn 't go hang out with my friends so I stayed home . I heard noises coming from the back hallway later that night . It sounded as if someone was watching television so I went back there to check it out and all of a sudden in the bathroom the shower curtain pops open and my little brother 's bath toys start talking . I thought they were broken because of all the water but apparently not . I close the door in the bathroom and the toys go off again . I open the door and they stop I stood in the doorway for about 30 seconds then closed the door then they all started making noise again . I continue to the back of the house checking all the TV 's not and none of them are on . I know what I heard and I know what I have seen yes , I 'm only a thirteen year old girl but this could happen to anyone . These were just two major events with a ghost that I have happened but I 'm really scared and I don 't know what to do because it seems like no one in the house believes me about the things that are going on in our house . You know when you parents or friends say things that you saw were just figment of your imagination ? Well it isn 't . My encounter involves my first day of being in my new house and a holy figure . So here it goes ! Finally after two full days of transport to England , we arrived at my new home . After a couple of hours of settling in , thoughts came into my head that I had never encountered before like an image from a past life or something but they weren 't mine ! Unfortunately my head still hasn 't gotten around that . Soon after that when we chose our rooms I was drawn to a small room in the attic which for some odd reason had no insulation so it was very cold at that time of year but that didn 't make a difference . When the sun had fallen my mother said goodnight to me and turned off the light . Later that night I awoke to a bright light and a figure with a bright outline of green it spoke to me in my head as if it was sending me messages , it said that I was next . But I still don 't get it and I 'm 23 . After that he left the room and the light flickered and shut off and it doesn 't work anymore . Shivering in bed I tucked my head under my pillow . Now I live in the same house and I would spot him in the corner of my eye . He looks as if he 's lost stuck between here and limbo . |
The last few weeks I 've been focusing on putting myself back together . I haven 't been posting much because it 's just been so messy . One minute I feel like things are looking up , and the next I find myself thinking everything is just so hard , how can I ever put this back together ? I 'm constantly on a roller coaster of emotions . But the facts say things are looking up . After over three weeks of searching - - and navigating the healthcare system - - I finally have an appointment with a therapist . I also got a call back about the volunteer position at the hospital . Turns out they misfiled my paperwork from the interview . I go in for a drug screening tomorrow and training on Monday . I 've also joined two facebook groups for women like me - - one for local women who have also lost babies , and another for mothers without living children who are trying to get pregnant after loss ( very specific , I know ) . Both have helped me realize just how not - that - crazy - after - all I am . I feel pretty okay right now . And okay is good . I feel like I 'm actually doing something to help myself get better , and I 'm proud of myself for that . It 's hard to remember what a bad day was like before Liam died . I remember crying every time I got my period , because I wanted to be pregnant so badly . That hasn 't changed . But besides that , I don 't remember what a bad day felt like . What did I have to be upset about ? How did a bad day even start ? How often did I have bad days ? What was a normal range of emotions in a given week ? Lately I can get through about 3 days at a time without breaking down . And then I have some where from 12 - 36 hours of feeling down before I somehow decide I 'm okay again . Sometimes the lows are really low , and sometimes they 're just a long , persistent sting . But it 's always about the same thing . It surfaces in different ways . " I 'll never be a ' real ' mother . " " Why does she get a baby and I don 't ? " " What 's my purpose for being here ? " But it 's all the same at its core . I miss my baby . We get in a car accident , and I think , " How could God allow an inconvenience like this when we 're already dealing with so much grief ? Isn 't that enough ? I can 't deal with one more thing right now . " I have a less productive day at work , and I think , " It 's been almost four months now . Hasn 't that been long enough ? Shouldn 't you be able to get through a workday by now ? " I don 't get a call back from the hospital about the volunteer position , and I think , " They probably thought you 're still too emotionally volatile for a position like that . They 're probably right . You can 't help anyone . You 're too broken from your grief . " And that 's not just missing Liam . That 's not what missing Liam should feel like . He isn 't the core of my bad days at all . He 's the reason I had good days . Missing him hurts . Missing him is feeling the absence of something wonderful . But that has nothing to do with the you - can ' ts . If missing Liam isn 't at the core of my bad days , what is ? Shouldn 't it be missing him ? Isn 't that the most important thing ? Written about one month after Liam was born . Liam was tiny and perfect . His tiny fingernails were a marvel . And as soon as I saw him I thought that he looked like he was our baby . I remember going home later and wondering if I was just imagining things because he was so tiny , and it was hard to tell , so I looked up pictures of other babies who died at Liam 's age and it was immediately obvious that I wasn 't imagining anything . None of those babies were ours . Liam was our baby . We made him . He had a tiny little point of a nose that looked just like Kam 's , and he even seemed to have Kam 's eyes , which I had always hoped he would . I thought it had to just be wishful thinking , but my mom agreed . Kam said he thought Liam had my lips , and when I look back at pictures , I think he 's right . Kam also said he remembered when he first saw him he thought his arms looked kind of big , and he thought to himself , " My son is buff ! " By my understanding , Liam was a little large for his gestational age , just as we were expecting , so maybe Kam had something there . After holding Liam for as long as I could muster , I let the nurses take him to give him a bath . I was afraid I would fall asleep with him in my arms , but I didn 't want to let him go . I watched the nurses as they gave Liam his bath , but their backs were turned to me , so all I saw was one moment when they were holding him face down to wash his back , and his little butt was exposed . I told Kam about that later , and I remember his eyes getting wide and excited as he said , with a hint of jealousy , " You got to see his butt ? " The nurses put him in a little sleeper and gave him back to me . I could tell his face had already changed . I wish I had taken pictures of when I was first holding him , because his features were so much more defined just minutes earlier . So Kam and my mom started taking pictures on their phones , but nothing could really capture what he looked like in person . How real he was . At the same time , it was so obvious he was no longer there . I was still very tired , but I tried to hold him a little longer . Eventually , it started to sink in that he wasn 't there , and the fatigue started to feel stronger . I gave him to my mom to hold , and then Kam held him before they took him to the nursery . I slept for a little while , and by the time I woke up , I could feel my legs again . After I woke , Kam and I agreed that we didn 't want to see Liam 's body again in case it had deteriorated any more since we last saw him . We wanted to remember his features the way they were meant to be . A bereavement counselor went to the nursery without us and took more pictures of Liam and made hand and footprints . We were so grateful the hospital provided that for us , because we had no idea how much we would want it in the future . The counselor brought us a box with the hand prints , foot prints , and little casts of his hands and feet , as well as tiny hats and a sleeper she used in her pictures . A short time later , the hospital released us , sending us home with everything Liam touched , and a couple of extra baby blankets and hats just for good measure , including a tiny soft white blanket , that couldn 't have wrapped around a baby much larger than Liam . I remember wondering how someone knew I would need a blanket as tiny as that . I still keep that blanket with me every night . We came home around 5 pm the same day . I went straight to bed , and Kam said I fell asleep right away as he was still holding me . He said that was a relief for him to see me able to sleep so quickly . The next few days passed in a blur . My parents both stayed with us at first , and then my dad had to leave . My mom stayed a few more days and took care of our puppies for us . I remember reading a lot of scriptures about what happens to children after they die . They were all so comforting , and every time I had a worry about where he was , and what state he was in until we got to see him , and how we would get to see him next , the answers I found were all better than I could have imagined myself . I worried about whether he was still a baby just waiting in heaven for his parents , and I found an answer that his spirit form is that of an adult , just like his spirit was in the form of an adult before he came to earth . That comforted me , knowing he wasn 't helpless . But eventually , as I started asking more and more specific questions , I stopped finding answers . And that scared me . And then I found a statement that the LDS church doesn 't have official doctrine on what happens to stillbirths and miscarriages , and I panicked . It was late at night , and Kam was already asleep , but I was so worried I had to wake him up . I asked him whether he knew there was no doctrine about what happens to stillborn children , and he said he did . I worried aloud that maybe Liam had never really been here . Maybe his spirit had never actually entered his body and we were imagining the whole thing . And I asked Kam how did we know he was really here ? And I don 't remember exactly how he said so much to me in so little words . He was so sleepy , he hardly said anything . But he wasn 't worried at all . He said that we would know by the Spirit , and that we already did know . And I realized he was right . The next day was LDS General Conference , which was a relief . Listening to uplifting talks from the comfort of my couch was exactly the type of thing I had the energy to do . I spent a lot of the first few talks wondering how I could know for sure what had happened to Liam . I wondered how the fact that Liam had never been born alive would effect his afterlife . Did that birth count , even though he wasn 't alive when it happened ? Or would he need to be born alive in order to satisfy some sort of law about life itself ? Would he have the opportunity to be born alive later if he needed to be , or did he just miss out ? And then sometime during President Uchtdorf 's talk I realized how wrong my thinking was . Heavenly Father 's plan for us isn 't some big game with a long list of rules that you either play by or you lose . He loves each of his children and wants to be with us again , just like I want to be with Liam again . I could tell , because He had such sweet promises for all of the other children who died young . It wasn 't as if Liam was any less His child because he was tiny , or because the events in his life happened backwards . I figured there were only two options . Either Liam was here , or he wasn 't . If he was here , Heavenly Father was taking care of him , just like any other child who had died young , even if I didn 't understand all of the details of it . And whether he was here or not , wasn 't really a question . I knew what I felt when I watched Liam on that sonogram monitor and when I felt him kick inside of me . And even after he was gone , I felt him . I felt something missing from our family . When I looked at pictures of Kam and I , I knew we weren 't all there . I knew we were really a family of three . There was definitely a baby there , not just a body . And Heavenly Father takes care of all of his babies . It 's still hard to realize Liam is gone . We only had him with us for such a short time . Sometimes I wish that if he had to die young , I could have at least gotten to keep him a little bit longer . Why couldn 't I have held a live baby in my arms just once before he had to go ? But I comfort myself by thinking that Liam never had to know anything about this fallen world . I sometimes think about those jokes people tell about twin babies in a womb wondering what life after birth will be like and realize that for Liam , it was something entirely different from what any of us has experienced . Instead of life outside the womb beginning with the pain of birth and the stress of bright lights and cold air and learning to breath for the first time , Liam 's first experience outside the womb was being welcomed into paradise . And someday , when this world is ready to welcome him the same way , he 'll have the opportunity to experience childhood in the cushiest and most perfect way possible . I try to think of this experience as God promising that someday I 'll get to raise a baby boy in a world like that , rather than that God took my baby away . But it 's not quite the right analogy , because I got more than just a promise of a little boy . I got to meet him . I worry sometimes about what people who haven 't been through this will think of me . I remember how little I understood , and how quickly I could judge a person who went through things I 'd never experienced . Of course my heart ached for anyone who experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth . I knew I couldn 't imagine how hard that would be . But when I heard these people talk about their miscarriages and stillborn babies as if they were real people they had known and loved and lost , I just couldn 't wrap my head around it . Of course it was a terrible disappointment , but the idea of honoring your " angel baby " forever after made me uncomfortable . Maybe it 's something that just hurts too much to accept unless you have to . And I wouldn 't wish for anyone to have to understand that pain , so I really can 't expect them to . But it 's hard to know that no one else will know how real Liam was as much as Kam and I do . It 's hard to imagine answering questions like " Do you have any children ? " because I know that no matter what I answer , the person asking won 't understand what my answer really means . I can 't pretend he didn 't exist , but each time I discuss him I risk seeing a look of disbelief when I call him my baby . But I choose to share Liam 's story anyway , because I want others to know there 's hope through tragedy . The past couple of weeks I 've spent a lot of time reading forums and blogs and articles about other women who are grieving babies lost during pregnancy , and I haven 't found much comfort . In fact , some of the phrases meant to offer solace , like " new normal " and " you 'll never get over it " , have just left me frustrated . No , things will never go back to the way they were . And no , I will never " get over it " ( because what does that even mean ? ) . But I am happy again . Not all of the time , and even when I am happy that doesn 't mean I 'm not still missing Liam . But I can laugh with my husband again . And appreciate things I used to enjoy , like tulips and knitting and good food . I can play with my puppies without feeling guilty , and make jokes with friends . And I can even look at pictures of Liam with pride instead of sorrow . No , things will never go back to the way they were . I will not be pregnant with Liam again . I will not be holding him in September . And that 's hard . But I also won 't go back to before I was pregnant with Liam , when I was just longing to get pregnant and have a baby and wondering if it would ever happen . And I would never want to go back to that . Because this way I have a baby at all , even if I have to wait until I hold him again . Written about one month after Liam was born . Less than a week after we found out we were having a little boy , we went in for our next routine check - up . It was April Fool 's Day . The doctor asked us if we were interested in screening for diseases like down - syndrome , and we said we didn 't care unless it would somehow help us keep our baby healthy . The doctor said it generally wouldn 't make a difference , so we declined . He asked if I 'd felt any movement yet , and I said I had , but only once . He said it was still really early to be feeling movement , so not to expect anything until 18 weeks . Then he got the doppler out and started looking for the heartbeat . He spent a long time looking , and eventually said we 'd get an ultrasound just to be sure . I wasn 't worried , since this had happened once before , and I was kind of excited about the idea of getting to see an ultrasound again , especially since Kam hadn 't watched most of the last one . We started the ultrasound , and immediately it seemed like something wasn 't quite right . Liam wasn 't moving , and he looked like he was in a very uncomfortable position . The doctor told us his back was in the way , so it was hard to see the heart . But eventually he showed us the heart and it was obvious it wasn 't moving either . The doctor said he was going to get an ultrasound tech to confirm . After he left , I started to panic . I was so afraid of what the ultrasound tech was going to come back and say , I couldn 't help but sob . I kept thinking this had to somehow be some sort of sick April Fool 's Day joke . Maybe someday we 'd tell our son about this and we 'd all laugh about it . But then I thought of what he looked like on that ultrasound , and I knew it wasn 't a joke . Kam broke down , too . I remember feeling so awkward and helpless , laying on a table with my pants undone , goo on my belly , sobbing . I couldn 't hold my husband the way I wanted to . And part of me was still holding out for that ultra - sound tech , hoping she 'd come in and tell us it was all a big mistake . But eventually she came in and I remember sometime during my pregnancy having this random thought , " You 're not going to keep this one . " And I was terrified . I worried over it for a little while , but I just couldn 't accept it . I thought it had to be just my own paranoia . There was no way that could be true . Eventually , probably after we made it through our first trimester , I had completely forgotten about it altogether . I figured I was in the clear . Sometime before all of this I had read a blog about a family who lost their baby at 19 weeks , and how the mother decided to deliver her baby instead of getting a D & C . She got to hold her tiny baby and take pictures of him , and I remember thinking , " Poor girl . I would have done the same thing if I were her . " When we sat down with the doctor about what our options would be , for some reason he met with us in the " Procedure Room " where I had never been before . That room felt like death . I was afraid he was going to tell me I wasn 't far enough along to deliver and that I would have to have a D & C , and I would never get to hold my baby . But he told me the opposite . That because we were past 16 weeks , he didn 't offer D & C 's that late , and I would be induced sometime that night . My first question for him and every nurse I met after that was whether I could hold my baby , and they all answered , " Of course . " The doctor said he would call us later about what time to come into the hospital to be induced , and we went home . At home , Kam and I got in bed and cried . I later found out that while having the opportunity to deliver was a relief for me , it was an additional source of stress for Kam as he worried about me having to endure that physical pain . We spent some time praying together over Liam , and Kam offered a beautiful prayer asking that he be taken care of until we can return to him and take care of him ourselves . We each called our moms and asked them to come see us . Kam 's mom drove down and was with us in about an hour . My mom found a flight for that evening and made it in just in time to go to the hospital with us . Later that night I got a call from my dad , whom I hadn 't been able to reach , and he told me he was driving out to give us hugs . Kam and I agreed that we needed to name our baby boy , and that we wanted to give him the name we would have given him if he were still alive . We were sure he was still our baby and that we would get to be with him again someday . Kam had loved the name Liam , but I insisted that if we called our son Liam , his full name would have to be William , so he could sound more grown up on his resume , if he wanted to . So now Kam was suggesting William , and it wasn 't difficult for me to agree . We had been considering the middle name Knightley since long before I was pregnant , and at the gender reveal party , Kam 's brother pointed out how awesome William Knightley sounded together , and Kam and I were pretty sold on that combination from that point on . Later , when we got to the hospital and we began paperwork , Kam made a point of finding out whether we would have any sort of death certificate we could put Liam 's full name on . Fortunately , Utah law had recently changed to require a stillbirth certificate after 16 weeks rather than 20 weeks , so we got to put his full name down on paper . We had a couple of the leaders from our congregation at church come to our house to give us a blessing . The blessings were so strengthening , and I specifically remember mine saying that I would be blessed with the power to recognize the lies of the adversary , which I didn 't understand at the time , but have come to appreciate since . One of the men shared a message with us about how when Christ comes again we will have the opportunity to raise the children we have lost , just like we would have been able to do if Liam had been born living , only after Christ comes we will have the opportunity to raise him in a perfect world , where he won 't suffer pains or trials or temptations . I had known we would see Liam again , but I didn 't know how . I didn 't know if we 'd ever have the opportunity to see him as a child , or if in heaven we would all be adults . So this was an incredible comfort to me . Kam 's friend Ethan also came over with dinner around the same time , and shared with us his feelings about his older brother who had died at about the same age as Liam . He talked about feeling his brother looking out for him when he was alone , and I could imagine what he meant . I never felt as close to Liam while I was pregnant with him as I did after we knew he was gone . We went into the hospital that night around eleven . The staff was expecting us and were all very sensitive to what we were about to go through . I never thought about it until long after we left the hospital , but we were given a very quiet room away from all the other delivering mothers . I now appreciate that I had never had to think about that myself . After giving answers to paperwork and getting poked with an IV , I was administered my first round of cytotec to induce contractions . Around 1 am , the nurse left and I planned to go to sleep , but Kam suggested I take the sleeping pill they offered me that I had refused . I figured he probably knew better than I did . I felt so numb , I could barely think . So I called the nurse right back in to administer the sleeping pill . As soon as she left that time I started to feel some cramps , but thought they were mild enough to ignore , especially with a sleeping pill . About 15 minutes later , though , I realized the pain was getting a lot stronger a lot more quickly than I was expecting . I called the nurse again , and by the time she came in I was in agony . She began to administer half of the maximum dose of narcotic through the IV , and told me it should start working pretty quickly . I was curled up in fetal position asking her how quickly , and why wasn 't it working yet , when suddenly I felt a small pop in my abdomen , and the pain suddenly vanished . It was like someone had hit an off switch . The nurse was mid - sentence trying to calm my anxiety when I interrupted her with a slightly sheepish , " Oh . It 's gone now . " I slept for only a couple hours , before I noticed the pain again and had to have the nurse begin another dose of narcotics . At 6 am the nurses switched , and I received my next dose of cytotec . This time I took the full dose of narcotics , and still didn 't feel like I was getting much of a benefit out of it , but when nurses asked me if I was having contractions I wasn 't sure what to say because I just felt like I was having cramping all over that didn 't stop . At some point Kam and my mom started talking to me about whether I wanted to get an epidural , and suggested I ask the nurse what the anesthesiologist 's schedule was . I did , and the nurse left to find the anesthesiologist . At one point while she was gone , I felt like I was going to puke , so I sat up really fast , and my mom grabbed a bucket from the closet for me . I ended up just burping for a long time . Kam had stepped out to find the nurse , so when he came back in he was concerned to see me leaning over a bucket , and I had a hard time explaining to him that I was fine now , and that I was only burping . When the nurse came back she told me the anesthesiologist would be available in about 5 minutes , or in an hour after that . I was starting to feel like the narcotics weren 't doing much anymore , so I asked her to have him come in the 5 minutes . By the time the anesthesiologist came in and got everything ready , I had no question about whether I was having contractions , and couldn 't get the epidural soon enough . Reflecting on it now , I actually feel some comfort from knowing I got to experience contractions when I was delivering Liam . It made the whole experience feel a little more real , and I have one more memory to hold on to now . It 's also just a comfort to know there 's one more thing I got to do for my baby that other mothers do for their babies . Shortly after I began to feel the effects of the epidural , the nurse left and said she would return in a little while to put in my catheter ( the only reason I hadn 't gotten the epidural sooner ) . She wanted to be sure I was completely numb before she started that . I was thankful for that , but after only about 10 minutes of her being gone , I suddenly felt like I had to pee , and I was afraid I wouldn 't be able to hold it back . My mom ran into the hall to get the nurse , but returned alone . I yelled that I didn 't think I could hold it back anymore , and she pulled another pink bucket out of the closet . She got that placed underneath me , and told me everything was fine , and I could go , but nothing came . I still felt the urge , and I figured I just couldn 't control it and that it was still coming . The nurse came in a moment later , and as she started to walk towards the bed , I realized what I was feeling wasn 't pee at all , and just a second later , I heard her say , " Oh , here comes your baby . " We knew that because Liam was so tiny , he would probably come very quickly and unexpectedly , and that I probably wouldn 't have to push . We also knew the doctor probably wouldn 't have time to catch him . But I was glad my mom and the nurse were there when it happened . The nurse called in another doctor who was available , and he helped deliver the placenta while my two nurses cleaned Liam up and wrapped him in a blanket . I remember delivering the placenta and Kam asking if it was intact , because we were both worried it wouldn 't detach and I would need a D & C to remove the rest . The doctor said it looked like it was . I 'm still strangely flattered at how concerned Kam was about me at my lowest and grossest point in my life . It was a strange relief to be done with labor as I waited for someone to bring me my baby . The past twenty - four hours had been a nightmare and I finally felt like it was coming to an end , even though things weren 't exactly getting better . I 'd played through multiple scenarios of miracles in which Liam would get to live , and now it was obvious none of those were coming true . But even that was a small comfort , as I no longer had to put so much effort into wondering and hoping . Written about one month after Liam was born . Kam and I had been trying to conceive for a few months before we finally got Liam . I remember on New Year 's Eve I was due for the news , good or bad , and I was so sure I was not going to be pregnant , just like every month before . For about a week leading up to that I was thinking this might actually be the month , but on New Year 's Eve I just didn 't believe it anymore . We ate out at a nice restaurant . It was just before closing , so it was nearly empty . I remember I spent a lot of time talking about how we would be okay , and we would have kids somehow , even if we had to adopt . We stopped at the grocery store on the way home and bought a bunch of sweets , and Martinelli 's to ring in the New Year . I suggested we watch Avengers while we waited for midnight to hit . I remember coming home and feeling a little sick , so I laid down on the couch to wait it out . I ended up not eating any of our sweets , and falling asleep during the movie . I woke up to Kam saying " Chloe , wake up . . . It 's the new year ! " The next morning at about 7 am , I woke up and realized I wouldn 't be able to go back to sleep until I knew for sure that I wasn 't pregnant . I took my temperature , and it still hadn 't dropped , so that didn 't give me any closure . I figured I could take a test before Kam even woke up , and then I 'd know for sure and I could get on with the day . And if by some odd luck it was positive , that would be awesome , because it was New Year 's Day , and maybe I could surprise Kam somehow . I hadn 't thought of any especially clever ways to announce pregnancy in relation to the new year , but I knew there had to be something to do with that . That was just too cool to pass up . But as soon as I saw that test , I was completely shocked . I came out of the bathroom shaking , and by that time Kam had woken up and was sitting on the stairs . I stumbled over to him with the pregnancy test and gave him a hug and started crying . He was so worried this happiness would somehow be taken away from us ( but mostly from me ) that he didn 't start to believe that I was actually pregnant until I took another test a few hours later . I remember that I somehow found out I wasn 't supposed to eat lox when pregnant and was really disappointed because I was looking forward to my traditional New Year 's Day breakfast of a bagel with lox and cream cheese . And then I thought that was a really stupid thing to be disappointed about , but we still went and got bagels with cream cheese and smoked salmon , because I was really craving it by that time . I was so impatient to call my gynecologist . I was worried about not being able to reach any one because it was New Year 's Day and the offices were closed . The next day I called and asked for the soonest appointment available . I had my first appointment 2 weeks later . I had tried to prepare for a urine sample , but I 've always really struggled with that , and didn 't drink the water soon enough for it to get through my system by the time we got to the appointment . One of the aides asked me to give my sample , and I asked if I could wait until after the appointment , and she said , " Well , we need proof of a positive pregnancy test before we can see you . " So I tried , but after sitting in there , embarrassed , drinking water from the tap for probably 5 - 10 minutes , I finally gave up and told the aide I would just go sit in the waiting room for a little while , to which she replied , " Well , sometimes it helps if you run the water . Have you tried that ? Why don 't you go back and try that ? " I must not have been * too * pregnant yet , because I refrained from rolling my eyes at her and went back to the bathroom and turned on the water . But I 'm not an idiot , or a child . It wasn 't going to work . Finally , someone knocked on the door and told me I could come out . The nurse was ready to see me . By the time I was meeting with Kam and the nurse in our room , I was crying . The nurse was very understanding and asked if I was embarrassed about not being able to give a urine sample . I said , " Yeah . I 'm really upset about it . Can crying over a pee test count as my proof of pregnancy ? " She laughed at that , and later asked me about my symptoms , including whether I had to go to the bathroom a lot . My response was , " Yeah , I have to pee all the time , which is why this is so frustrating ! " Two weeks later we had scheduled our 8 - week ultrasound . I was so nervous we were going to get there and find out I had never really been pregnant at all . But then we were there , staring at our little peanut , and it was all a little anti - climactic . I expected to feel more like I was actually pregnant when I saw that ultrasound , but instead I was just not worried . We had been wanting to see a healthy dot , and there was a healthy dot . But then we got to hear the heartbeat , just for a second , and that was when it clicked for me that there was actually something living inside me . I really wished that ultrasound tech had let us listen to the heartbeat a little bit longer . She told us the heart rate , and I already knew that was in the healthy range , and she told us it was in the healthy range , and then I went home and googled it again just to be sure it was in the healthy range , and then I was so proud I had a baby with a healthy heartbeat , and I thought for sure his heartbeat was healthier than all the other tiny peanut babies . ( Only , at this time I was pretty positive he was a she . ) The baby was also measuring 5 days ahead of schedule , which I thought was really exciting , although it wasn 't enough to make my doctor change our due date . Kam was so impatient to tell people we were pregnant . He was even more excited about announcing the news than I was . We had agreed that if we heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks we would tell everyone , because at that point the risk of miscarriage was less than 1 % , and we figured we were luckier than 1 in 100 people , and even if we weren 't , we wouldn 't want to suffer through a miscarriage that late all by ourselves anyway . But Kam misunderstood what I had said about the statistics and said as we were walking out , " So , now that we 've heard the heartbeat , we can announce it , right ? " But I still wanted to wait a little longer . Two weeks later we had another appointment . At this appointment we were supposed to hear the baby 's heartbeat on the doppler for the first time . When the doctor got out the doppler and started looking , she was unable to find a heartbeat . Kam warned her that I would be really upset if we couldn 't find the heartbeat that day . I remember realizing that Kam was right , and that he was aware of just how upset I would be before that had even occurred to me . The doctor spent a little extra time looking but eventually gave up and told us she wasn 't worried because we had a healthy 8 - week ultrasound , and that I was probably just too early , and to come back in a week . I was a wreck . I spent the rest of the day crying and worrying . The next day I decided I still felt fine , there were no signs of trouble , and that I was going to keep thinking positive until I knew otherwise , because if we did get bad news , nothing would prepare me for that anyway . A few days later was Valentine 's Day , and I woke up and randomly asked Kam if he 'd be ok with us announcing our pregnancy . He said he didn 't mind , but he thought I wanted to wait to hear the heartbeat . I had been feeling sick , so I said , " I 'm obviously still pregnant , so we might as well announce it . I 'm not worried . " Just a few days later , we went back to the doctor and Kam got my phone out to record the sound the doppler made . The doctor warned , " You might want to wait a second to start recording , so we have time to find it first . " Then she set the doppler on my stomach and we heard the heartbeat right away , and she mumbled , " Nevermind . " Just two weeks later I had another appointment because I had switched doctors . My new doctor wanted to do his own ultrasound , but we didn 't know that until the day before the appointment , so we got really excited about seeing our baby again . We realized at this point we might even be able to tell whether we were having a boy or a girl . When the ultrasound came around , we found out the baby was measuring 8 days ahead of schedule . I was excited about this because his original due date had been September 9 , and I was hoping to hit Kam 's birthday , September 3 , instead . Later , the doctor would decide not to change his due date anyway , which made me worry I was just going to have a big baby instead of an early baby . The ultrasound tech was wrapping up when I asked whether he could tell what we were having . He spent extra time looking for us , but he couldn 't be sure . He was really disappointed , but sent us away with a guess that he was " 70 % sure " we were having a boy . We were okay with that , because we hadn 't been expecting to find out anyway . We set an appointment for an early gender check ultrasound at 16 weeks . I had been so sure we were having a girl until that ultrasound tech started me doubting , that I hadn 't cared about the gender check at all until that point . Those next three weeks seemed to take forever . Finally , the day for our gender - check ultrasound came , and we had decided to wait to discover the gender until a gender reveal party that evening . This was a huge source of stress for me , because I was so impatient already . When we got to the clinic and told the ultrasound tech that we wanted for her not to tell us because we wanted to find out at a party that evening , I made some sort of snide comment about how that wasn 't what I wanted at all , but that was what we were going to do . This was the first ultrasound where Liam was obviously moving around . It was the first time I really felt a connection to this baby , and I remember as I was watching that ultrasound thinking for the first time that maybe this really wasn 't a girl , and I was looking at a baby boy . And as I watched him wiggle around I thought that was really more likely . And then I had this weird thought , that this wasn 't the sweet , silent , sleeping baby girl I was imagining . This was a rambunctious bouncing baby boy , who was mocking me , because he just wanted to play around in there , and all the while he was making me sick ! And he was probably the one making me eat so many tomatoes , too . But I just adored him . I loved watching him squirm around . Kam was hesitant to watch the ultrasound because he was afraid he would accidentally see whether we were having a boy or a girl , and I kept arguing with him telling him he should watch because it was so great . He did get to see him moving around . I remember the two of us telling our family at the gender reveal party that night how he stretched all the way out , and then pulled his feet back into a little ball , and we said it with all the enthusiasm of proud new parents , and I 'm sure everyone was nodding along thinking , " Yeah , stretching is a pretty normal developmental milestone at this point . " But of course our Liam did it cuter than any other baby . And then we found out we were having a boy . And I was still shocked even though I knew as I was watching that ultrasound that we probably would be . And I admit I was a little disappointed as thoughts of tutus and Kam on daddy - daughter dates got put on hold . Because for a little while you 've got all of the possibilities set in front of you . You 've got dreams of little boys and little girls , and eventually you have to be realistic about the fact you 're going to only get one of those , at least this time around . So I started trying to focus on all of the ways I was excited about having a little boy . And I texted Kam as I rode the train home from work about spiking his hair , and " Dad and Son " matching outfits . There was this " Gun " and " Son of a gun " t - shirt pair Kam really liked . And man , it did not take long to get excited . Soon I was imagining this Kam mini - me walking around , and I had wanted that for so long ! And Kam was so excited . He told me how great it was going to be to know the family name would live on . And I remember watching the episode of friends where Ross finds out he 's having a baby boy , and Kam teared up a little bit . One of those nights we were watching friends and internally celebrating Ross 's baby boy and our baby boy , I felt Liam kick for the first time . Two little pokes . And it only took me a second to realize what it was . I wanted so badly to feel it again , I was afraid to get up and move . In bed that night I lay still hoping I 'd feel it , but when it didn 't happen I figured it would come again sometime in the next few days . I was not even 17 weeks yet , I knew it was early to start feeling any movement . You know that feeling when you wake up from a good dream and try to explain it to someone else , but as you try to explain it you realize it doesn 't actually make any sense , so it 's hard to say why it made you so happy ? I had one of those today , only it happened in real life . And I 'm going to try to explain it anyway . I was chatting with a coworker who was telling me his wife is expecting and that there 's a large gap between this baby and the next youngest kid . And I asked what the gap was between his oldest and this baby , and he said about twelve years . So I mentioned that the gap between myself and my youngest brother is 13 years . Surprised , he asked me where I fell , and when I said I am the oldest , he cut me off and said something along the lines of , " Oh , that 's right . I remember you told me that ! Yeah , you 've been a mom for like forever ! Cause you were the oldest and you had all those brothers and sisters - - You were a mom from since like , when you were born ! " Which obviously makes no logical sense . I am still wondering what that sounded like in his head . But at the same time . . . I don 't think he has any idea how much that means to me . I don 't often tell acquaintances how much I want to be a mom . Especially not at work . And I honestly don 't remember ever having a conversation with this guy about how many siblings I have . And I don 't think this particular coworker even knows about Liam . So I have no idea how he nailed such a poignant topic for me . But I have always wanted to be a mom . And I 've felt , for a long time that it 's my calling , as cliché as that sounds . And recently , I often feel that it 's unattainable , that I am not living up to my potential , and that I 'm not fulfilling my calling in life - - because I don 't have any children here with me . But somehow , even though I can 't understand it , someone thinks it makes sense to say I 've been a mom since I was born . ( And someone I respect , for the record . Most of the stuff this guy says does make sense . ) I wish I knew what that is supposed to mean , but even still , it makes my heart happy . It feels right on some level . And that 's comforting . Maybe even if I don 't understand it yet , there 's more to being a mom than I give myself credit for . It 's so easy to worry at this time of the month . But every once in a while I manage to take a deep breath and ask myself why I want so desperately to know the answer . If it 's good , there will be no reason I should have worried . And if it 's bad . . . why am I so desperate to start despairing about that early ? So every once in a while I take a quiet minute to think , " I might be pregnant . " But I think it 's important , probably . To take advantage of " mights . " Because when I do become pregnant again I can either worry for nine months , or celebrate that I might have a baby . Honestly , we 're all living through mights all of the time . Every day you wake up might be the day you win the metaphorical lottery . If you think back on a day you were inextricably happy , did you wake up that morning knowing you would be ? Maybe . Some days it 's more obvious . I think of standing in the airport on the first day of my honeymoon , and yes , when I woke up that morning I figured I 'd probably have a pretty good day . But what about the morning of my first date with Kam ? I thought that might be a good day . And the first month after Kam and I started dating , I thought this might turn into something . Every good thing starts with a might . Of course bad things might , too . But in a way , even that is a good thing . Because they only might , not definitely will . Not until they 've come . When we decided to start trying for kids , there were a lot of bad mights . I told Kam all the time , " We might not get pregnant right away . " What I was honestly thinking was , " We might never get pregnant . " But we tried anyway , because we only might not get pregnant . And we didn 't , for four months . . . until we did . And even then , in the back of my mind I knew we might not get to keep this baby . But we also might , and that was enough reason for us to move forward . That was enough reason to have tried in the first place . And that is a small victory over the fact that we ended up drawing the short straw out of 160 others that would have allowed our baby to live . The outcome doesn 't change the fact that we acted . We believed he would live , because we believe in our son . That 's what you do for your kids . You believe in them , and you give them everything you can , and you hope against all hope , and you hold on to them no matter what happens . That 's all you can do . Every day . Because anything might happen . It 's better than not acting . Not facing any might at all . Today I might be pregnant . So I 'd better enjoy it . Because tomorrow I might find out I 'm not pregnant , and if that 's the case , I 'll be glad I enjoyed today , while I was still feeling hopeful . I 'll be glad I spent the day making memories I can reflect on to cheer me up from the disappointment . I 'll be glad I spent some time with Kam , being happy , because there need to be moments of that , too , in our lives . Today I might be pregnant . So I 'd better enjoy it . Because later I might find out I am pregnant , and if that 's the case , I 'll be glad I didn 't waste time worrying over something that didn 't happen . I 'll be glad I started making happy memories of this pregnancy already , because I just can 't know how much time I have to do that . I 'll be glad I was already celebrating the possibility of another baby in our future , instead of obsessing over what could go wrong . Today has been hard . I only have to wait 5 more days to find out if I 'm pregnant this month , but I already feel like I 'm probably not . And up until now I 've been pretty okay with that . But then last night I realized there are precious few months between now and Liam 's due date , and I always assumed I 'd be pregnant again on Liam 's due date , and that would soften the blow a little bit , knowing that there 's hope of holding another baby in our future . But last night I realized that might not happen . And between that and other inadequacies I 've been feeling , I let my worrying spiral out of control . I started to believe I would never bear another child . That happens to women sometimes . There 's no reason it should happen to them and not to me . What if that 's what God wants me for ? Would I be able to stand that ? I don 't know . And I really hope I never have to find out . And I 'm not completely convinced I won 't . But I 've decided there 's no point in worrying over something I can 't know yet . Probably , I am meant to contribute to the world by just doing what I 'm doing . Probably , I have made a small positive effect on most of the people in my circle , and probably I won 't know about most of the results of my actions . Probably , I will never be especially well - known , and I will never have an earth shattering impact . That 's how most people live their lives . Probably , there 's nothing more to my life than that , and God isn 't saving some especially difficult path for me . Maybe I 'm wrong . Maybe He is . But I don 't have any way of knowing yet , and probably , He 's not . I used to hate statistics after Liam died . Statistics said Liam had passed the first trimester threshold , and that meant there was more than a 99 % chance of him coming home with us safe and sound . I remember Kam and I discussing when we would announce our pregnancy and I said we 've got to be luckier than 1 in 100 people . But we turned out not to be . It 's left me wondering whether that makes me special . But not in a good way . Special in a " God almost never does what He did to you , so you really have no idea what He 's going to do to you next , " way . But statistics don 't say that probably nothing bad will happen to you . Bad things definitely happen sometimes . Negative pregnancy tests happen sometimes . Getting turned down for the job happens sometimes . Spilling mustard on your shirt happens sometimes . And probably , almost definitely , a real statistical tragedy occurs in every single person 's life at some time . You just don 't know which tragedy it 's going to be , because each of those statistics is so small . But probably , almost definitely , it won 't be all of them . |
[ SIZE = 12pt ] What you are about to read , I transcribed from a cassette recording . It came to me in a roundabout way about two years ago . A friend of mine runs an Assisted Living Facility ; what we used to call a nursing home . An old gentleman had recently died and as he had no family , his belongings were boxed up and brought to my friend 's office for disposal . The clothes were thrown away , the books put in the community room . The cassette player , my friend kept . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After listening to the tape , my friend called me to tell me about it . Because I am a writer , he thought I might be able to use something from it for a story idea . I thanked him and asked if he could drop it off the next time he was in the neighborhood . A week later , I answered a knock on my door and there stood my friend , cassette player in hand . I thanked him and took possession of the tape and the recorder . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After hearing what was on the tape , I decided that I could not improvise a story half as compelling as the old man 's . His words speak for themselves . I give them to you as he spoke them . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 18pt ] Again [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I went off to war at the tender age of sixteen . My mother cried and begged me to stay , but my country needed me . I would not see my mother again for four very long years . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Due to my age , I was assigned to field headquarters as a dispatch courier for the first two years of the war . However , by the beginning of the third year , I had grown a foot taller , and I was shaving . And because men were dying at an alarming rate , I was sent into the trenches . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] They say that war is hell . I say hell is peaceful compared to living in a muddy trench with bombs exploding around you at all hours of the day and night . Though there were periods of respite from the shelling . Those were the hours when the enemy had to let their big guns cool or else the heat of firing would warp them . I lived like that for two years . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I was at Verdun where I saw the true hell of war . After eleven months , we fought to a standstill . When the dead were counted , almost a million men from both sides had given their lives and not one inch of ground had been gained . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] By November of 1918 , we were out of food , out of ammunition , and almost out of men to send to the slaughter . The people at home had had enough of seeing their sons and fathers and brothers shipped home in boxes . There were marches and protests against the war . Near the end , the dead were not even sent home . They were buried in the fields where they had fallen . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] At last , the war was over . I am told that nine million men died in those four years , and another twenty million were wounded . I was there and those numbers seem a little low to me , but what do I know ? I was only a private . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When I returned home , President Ebert was there to meet us soldiers . He shook my hand and said , " No enemy has vanquished you . " He said the same thing to each man as he stepped off the train . Then I read in a newspaper that he repeated the same phrase in a speech . He should not have done so . It was the basis of , the beginning of , [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Dolchstoßlegende [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] , the Stab - In - The - Back Myth . The myth that said we lost the war because of the Jews , the Socialists , and the Bolsheviks . But mostly because of the Jews . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I told you of my war experience because I wanted you to know I was there . I saw why we lost the war , and it was not because of [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Dolchstoßlegend [ / SIZE ] e [ SIZE = 12pt ] . However , [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Dolchstoßlegende [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] would affect me much more than the war ever had . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] My mother , when she saw me , dropped the dish she was holding . It broke on the floor , shattering into many pieces . She rushed to me and held me tight . I felt her warm tears on my neck until she let go and held me at arm 's length . " Let me look at you , " she said as she cried with happiness . " My , you have grown so big ! You remind me of your father . " My father had died years earlier ; I barely remembered him . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It was good to be home . I had no plans except to sleep late every morning and eat my mother 's good cooking . However , the sleeping late was not to be . When I left , my mother was working in her friend 's millinery shop , but the shop had gone out of business during the war . My mother had been living off the money I was sending home every month . She said she did not write me of her plight because she did not want me to worry about her . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I was no longer a boy . I was now a man of twenty years . I had seen the horrors of war and I had lived through those horrors . Certainly , I could provide for my mother and me . Four days after returning home , I went in search of a job . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] My first employment was with a blacksmith . However , that did not last long . The automobile was driving him out of business , and he had to let me go . Then Herr Hoffman hired me ; he ran the largest bakery in Berlin . It was a good job because I was treated well and shown respect by Herr Hoffman . It was a job I was to have until . . . well . . . until I could no longer work . More on that later . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It was about that time the troubles began . The Allies had demanded reparations , and because of the war itself , there were food shortages and inflation . It was not uncommon to see someone with a suitcase filled with Mark notes going to buy a few groceries . One day , a man came into our shop with a 10 , 000 Mark note and asked if it would be enough to buy ten loaves of bread . Before the war , a loaf of bread cost 10 Pfennig , the equivalent of an American nickel . It was good to work where I could take a little food home every day , even if it was only a loaf of stale bread . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] By 1924 , inflation had gotten so bad that the Mark was replaced by the Reichsmark , but it did little good . There was still rampant inflation and food shortages persisted . Of course , someone had to be blamed for the sorry state of affairs . That is when the Brownshirts appeared . I used to see them on the street corners giving speeches . They were always going on about the Jews and the communists . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] In those days , I kept mostly to myself . However , being a young man , I did , on occasion , go to a beer hall for a stein or two . It was on one of those occasions that I had my first , but not my last , run - in with the [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] or the National Socialist German Worker 's Party . They called themselves Nazis . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The year was 1931 . I was thirty - three years old . I still lived with my mother and I still worked for Herr Hoffman [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] . But by then , I did more than carry the fifty - pound bags of flour for the bakers . I was now a baker myself . It was a very good position . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After my second stein , I could take it no longer . I turned to them and asked , " Were any of you in the war ? " I knew none of them had been because of their age . I think the oldest one couldn 't have been more than twenty - five . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] One of the younger ones answered my question . " No , but if we had , we wouldn 't have lost the war . " At that , I had to smile . I was dealing with children . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] My smile seemed to anger them . " What are you laughing at ? " one of them asked . Another stood and approached me . " Are you a Jew ? " he demanded . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] That was enough for me . I stood and said , " No , I am not a Jew , but I fought shoulder to shoulder with them during the war while you were sucking your mother 's tit . And pound for pound , I 'd rather have a Jew fighting next to me than any of you ! " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] True to the Nazi form , they took out their batons and beat me . There were six of them , so I did not have much of a chance , but I did get in a few good punches . One of which knocked out a front tooth of the man who had asked if I was a Jew . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Someone called the police , and they broke up the brawl . Just in time from my way of thinking ; I was getting the worst of it . I was told to go home , and as I paid my bill , I saw the policemen talking to the Brownshirts . They all seemed quite friendly with one another . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] In January of 1933 , Herr Hitler became the chancellor of our republic . In February , the Reichstag burned . The Nazis said it was arson and Hitler persuaded President von Hindenburg to pass the Enabling Act , which suspended our civil liberties . The Act empowered Hitler to name himself dictator of Germany in 1934 . The first thing he did was to outlaw trade unions . Then he passed laws prohibiting Jews from working in the civil service and as lawyers or doctors for anyone except their own people . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] By 1938 , I was the master baker in Herr [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Hoffman 's shop . My life was good . My mother was still alive , and we still lived together . On my way home one night , I stopped off at a local ratskeller for a stein . As I entered , I bumped into a man wearing the black uniform of the Schutzstaffe ; he was missing a front tooth . I knew him right away . He was the Brownshirt whose tooth I had knocked out back in 1931 . All of Germany knew of Hitler 's storm troopers , and all of Germany feared them . I could see that he remembered me from somewhere , but was not sure where . Before he could remember , I left without having my stein . As I was going through the door , I turned to see him talking to the barmaid , pointing in my direction . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Since the passing of the Enabling Act , it was legal to arrest a person for little or no reason . Most of the arrests were of people who spoke out against Hitler . The SS Storm Troopers were the ones that did the arresting . Once the SS had you in custody , you ended up in a concentration camp . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The establishment of the camps was also one of the things Herr Hitler did in his first year as chancellor . I had no desire to be sent to a camp for punching a party member in the face years earlier , so I hurried home that evening . I remember the date well . It was 8 November 1938 , one day before Kristallnacht or Crystal Night , also known as The Night of Broken Glass . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Over a two - day period , the SS and non - Jewish citizens throughout the country destroyed property owned by Jews . Storefronts were shattered ; homes entered and looted ; synagogues set afire . The property of Jews was easy to identify because their stores , houses and synagogues were painted with a yellow Star of David or the word Jude . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When the rampage ended , the sunlight reflecting off the fragmented glass lying in the street gave it the look of broken crystal . Two thousand Jewish men had been arrested . Two thousand Jewish men . . . and me . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] On the final night of [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Kristallnacht , [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] the SS - led by the storm trooper with the missing tooth - came for me . My mother cried and pleaded with them not to take me . I said nothing ; I knew what it was about . It was about revenge for a single punch in the face seven years earlier . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The SS put me in jail and there I sat for a month before I was charged with treason to the Fatherland and being a " Jew lover . " Without a trial , I was sent to Dachau , which was located in southern Germany . At first , I was treated as any other prisoner . I was sent to a sub - camp and used as slave labor , hollowing out a mountain for a military installation . Then one day , two prison guards hauled me out of the mountain , transported me back to the main camp , and escorted me into the office of the camp commandant , Hauptsturmführer Piorkowski . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I stood before his desk with a guard on either side of me . Piorkowski was reading a file and did not acknowledge our presence . I was hopeful that at last someone had realized my arrest had been a mistake , that it was due to a vengeful major of the SS . I had been in the camp five months by then and had lost forty pounds . I would not last much longer if I was not freed . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Piorkowski smiled and asked if I knew how to make strudel . Of course I did , and I told him so . Again , he smiled and said , " We will see . " He told the guards to take me to the showers , get me a clean prison uniform , and escort me to the kantine . Turning to me he said , " This might be your lucky day . If you can make a decent strudel , I will take you out of the mountain and put you to baking for the officers and enlisted men . Our cooks are adequate , but none of them can make a proper strudel . And their breads are not much better . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After I cleaned up , the two guards took me to the main kitchen . There were two kitchens , the main one that prepared the SS 's food , and another one that did the same for the prisoners . Both were staffed by men of the Wehrmacht or regular army . The men of the Waffen - SS were above such things . Of course , prisoners could not be trusted to work around food considering the insufficient amount we were given . They would not have been able to help themselves and would have stolen more food than they prepared . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When we arrived , one of the guards left and the other one told the cook on duty what the commandant wanted of me . The cook shrugged and pointed to a table next to a wall of ovens . The guard said , " You will find what you need under the table . " And he added , " The ovens are heated and ready to go . " He did not leave ; he just stood there and watched me work . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I did have to ask where to find certain ingredients . But I soon got down to work . It felt good to knead flour once again . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The smells of the kitchen were driving me mad . I was hungry , very hungry , but I knew if I asked for something to eat , I would probably be beaten . Soon the strudels were ready for the oven . I had made twelve filled with cheese . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] As soon as they were done , I took the pan out of the oven and laid it on the table . The guard was a young private ; he was licking his lips as his eyes followed the strudels from oven to table . Then the cook came over . He looked at my work and took a strudel in hand . It was hot , but it did not seem to faze him . He took a bite , chewed and swallowed . Without saying a word , he nodded at me and went back to whatever it was he had been doing . It was all I could do not to shove a strudel into my mouth . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Once they had cooled , the private took me and the strudels back to the commandant . This time we had to wait in the outer office for about fifteen minutes . But at least I was not in the mountain with a pickaxe in my hand and a machine gun at my back . At length , we were summoned into Piorkowski 's office . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] As we entered , the commandant told me to lay the pan on his desk . I could see that a place had been cleared for that purpose . Then he said , " If they taste half as good as they smell , you will have a new job here at our little camp . Now wait outside until called for . " The guard and I left Piorkowski to enjoy his strudels . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When we were called back in , two of the strudels were gone , and Piorkowski had a smile on his face . " It is a good thing for you that you are not a Jew , " he said . The questioning look on my face must have prompted him to go on . " If you were a Jew , I couldn 't allow you in the kitchen . None of my men would eat anything that was touched by a Jew , no matter how tasty . " As I turned to leave , Piorkowski told the guard that after he brought me back to the kitchen , he could go about his regular duties . " I don 't think our new baker will try to escape because , if he did , then I 'd have to have him shot . " To me he said , " The head cook will tell you what you need to know . I 've instructed him to give you one meal a day , regular rations . We don 't want you getting too weak to make your wonderful strudel . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] As I bent to pick up the tray with the remaining strudels , he told me to leave it . Then as an afterthought , he said , " Keep clean . I will give orders allowing you to shower every day . And when your uniform is soiled , ask for a clean one . I do not want dirt or lice falling onto what you bake . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I nodded , and the guard and I started out , but before we got to the door , Piorkowski asked , " How are you with [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] pfeffernüsse [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] ? " I told him I was the best with anything he wanted baked . P [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] feffernüsse [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] are spice cookies . When I answered him , [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] there was an edge to my voice . I was still disappointed at not being released , but more so because he still doubted my ability even after tasting my strudel . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] His smile was quickly replaced with a frown . " Never use that tone of voice with me again or I 'll send you back to the mountain . Now get to work ! " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I was brought back to the kitchen and placed in the hands of the head cook . He informed me of my duties . His main concern was bread . There were 1500 camp personnel , mostly SS , but there were also , as I have said , some Wehrmacht . He would need 1000 loaves per day . Of course , it was also going to be my duty to make desserts . Unless ordered to produce a particular dessert by the commandant , he would leave the decision of what to prepare up to me . He was a nice man , a sergeant in the Wehrmacht . He treated me as an equal the entire time I worked in his kitchen . His name was Joseph Müller . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It was late in the afternoon , and there would be no more baking that day . They fired the ovens at 3 : 00 a . m . and that was when my day would begin . It would not end until I had everything baked for the evening meal , usually between 4 : 00 and 5 : 00 p . m . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After he had finished showing me around and told me what was expected of me , I told him that I could not come up with 1000 loaves of bread per day and desserts for 1500 men twice a day , every day , without some help . Sgt . Müller said he had detailed six men to help me . He had told them to do what I said and pay no attention to the fact that I was a prisoner . It was the first time in five months that I had been treated like a human being and it brought a tear to my eye . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Dachau was not a death camp like Auschwitz or Buchenwald were . It was a camp for political prisoners . Many died , but the deaths were mostly from disease and starvation . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I felt guilty eating my one meal a day in the kitchen while my fellow prisoners lined up for their meager meal of watered - down soup . We were always hungry , but I had it a little better than the other prisoners . That is why , one afternoon when my work was done , I smuggled two loaves of bread from the kitchen and brought them to my barracks . My intent was to feed a few poor souls . But when the people saw what I had , a riot broke out . People were shoving and stepping over one another to get to me . The loaves were wrenched from my hands before I was five steps into the barracks . Of course , with all the commotion , the guards came in , and when they saw what was happening and what had caused the disturbance , I was brought before [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Piorkowski . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] " So that is how you repay my kindness ? " Without waiting for an answer , he went on . " One more incident like we had this afternoon , I will hang you in the yard and your body will stay there until it rots . It will serve as a reminder to the other prisoners that my will is law , and anyone who breaks my law will suffer a similar fate . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After he had finished speaking , he seemed calmer and in a softer voice he said , " Seeing as how you love your fellow prisoners so much , you can eat with them for the next four days . But after that , you can go back to your meal in the kitchen . I don 't want you too weak to work . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When I returned to the barracks , no one would meet my eyes or speak with me . They were ashamed for the way they had acted and resentful of me for being the cause of their shame . But I could not blame them . Hunger is a terrible thing . To be hungry day in and day out , with no relief in sight , will take away one 's humanity . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Six other commandants followed Piorkowski , and they all kept me baking my breads and strudels . That is how I survived Dachau . I did not starve to death because I ate relatively well . Besides my daily meal , I snuck cheese and fruits meant for the strudels and a piece of bread now and then . I had to be careful because , if caught , I 'd be reported . Sgt . Müller knew what I was doing , but as I 've said before , he was a good man . I did not succumb to disease because of my diet and the fact that I showered daily . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I 'll never forget the date the camp was liberated . It was 29 April 1945 . I was forty - seven years old . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The commandant and the SS officers left in the morning ; the Americans came in the afternoon . The first thing the Americans did once they had control of the camp was separate the men of the [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Wehrmacht from the SS . Then they stood forty - five men of the SS up against a wall and executed them . At the time I did not speak English , but a prisoner who did told me why the SS were shot . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] A half mile from the camp , the Americans had come upon railroad cars that were locked and standing idle . When the cars were opened , there lay two thousand dead Jews . They had been left locked in the cars with no water or food for three weeks . Many of the Americans retched from the smell of feces and rotting flesh . Many more were sick just from the horrible sight . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] So when the Americans liberated our camp , they were not feeling too kindly towards members of the SS . In fact , they stood around and watched , and did not interfere , when prisoners who were not too weak or too sick attacked SS guards that had been rounded up and herded into the roll call yard . When the SS men were dead , one man who took part in the killings , came towards me holding a shovel , shouting that I was a Nazi lover . He would have struck me , but another prisoner came between us . He held up his hand and said , pointing to me , " This man has done nothing against any of us . He did what he had to do to stay alive . You were not here at the time , but , at great risk to himself , he brought bread to us . He was found out and told that he would be executed if he did it again . What would you have done differently , my friend ? " The man dropped the shovel , buried his face in his hands and cried . I think he was crying because at last the horror was over and once again he could live as a human being and not as a feral animal . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] We could not leave the camp because the war was still raging all around us . The Americans were fighting their way to Berlin . My mother was in Berlin and I wanted to see her again so badly . We could not leave , but we were fed three meals a day , and the Americans brought in medical personnel to treat the sick . Half the camp was down with typhus . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The war ended about two weeks later when Admiral Dönitz unconditionally surrendered . Hitler had appointed him head of state in his will . We were free to leave the camp , but before we could go , we had to queue up and get a card stating that we were ex - prisoners . This was done because many SS men had discarded their uniforms and were claiming to be soldiers of the [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Wehrmacht . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] There was no train service because the tracks had all been bombed . So I started walking to Berlin . It was a three - hundred - and - fifty - mile walk . It was also a most interesting walk . Along the way , I saw what the war - or more to the point - what Hitler had done to our country . There was devastation of one sort or another in all the cities . The countryside for the most part looked untouched . But wherever I went , people were hungry . And so was I . I stole vegetables from some farms and received handouts from others . There was no food to be had in the towns or the cities , at least not for me . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I was stopped numerous times by allied soldiers . Even though I had the card stating I was an ex - prisoner , I was asked on more than one occasion to remove my coat and shirt and raise my arms . The soldiers were looking for the tattoo of the SS . All SS men had the [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] symbol tattooed on the inside of their biceps . Some soldiers let me pass without checking for the tattoo because of my thin frame . It was obvious that I had not been eating very well or very much for a long while . All members of the SS were well fed . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It took me eighteen days to reach the outskirts of Berlin . I thought I had seen devastation on my journey , but I was not prepared for what I beheld as I walked the streets of Berlin . The city had been thoroughly destroyed . There was not a building left intact , and the people were walking around in a state of shock . I went right to my former home to find only a crater and half of a wall standing where my house should have been . My mother was nowhere to be seen . I prayed that she had not been in the building when the bomb struck . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I spent the rest of the day walking the streets looking for my mother before I had to stop because of darkness . I found a cellar that was unoccupied . Even though the floor was rough and hard , I slept through the night . I was awakened by an excited clamor up in the street ; many people talking . I brushed the dust off my clothes and went to see what was happening . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] There was a line of people waiting to be fed . At the front of the line were American soldiers ladling out what looked to be soup . I hurriedly got to the end of the line and asked the man in front of me what was going on . " Isn 't it obvious ? The Americans are feeding us so that we don 't devolve into cannibalism , " he said with a slight grin on his face . He went on to tell me that twice a day , at various locations , they dished out just enough food to keep a person alive . Then he looked at my empty hands and added , ' Unless you are going to carry your soup in those , I would recommend you find a bowl somewhere . " By then there were about twenty people behind me and I hated to give up my place , but he was right , so I left the line . I had to go only a block before I found what I was after . It was in a destroyed building on the ground floor . I went to where the kitchen had been and moved bricks around until I found a pie tin . Next , I looked for a spoon . I was throwing bricks aside as fast as I could . I was in a panic that the soup would run out before I could get back . Then I found what I was looking for . There was only one problem . The spoon was attached to a woman 's hand , a dead woman 's hand . It was all that I could see . The rest of her body was buried under a pile of bricks . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I had seen many a dead body over the last five years , so one more did not shock me . And I am ashamed to say it , but I took the spoon from her cold , dead hand and hurried back to the food line without another thought of her . As I said , hunger is a terrible thing and a man will do terrible things to alleviate the pain . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] That was my life for the next month . I would line up twice a day for something to eat , usually soup . When I wasn 't in line , I would search for my mother . At night , I slept in an air raid shelter with two hundred other displaced Berliners . The occupiers had converted all the shelters into sleeping quarters . Unless you were extremely sick , you were not allowed to be there during the day . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] On all the light posts were notices put up by people looking for lost family members . I borrowed a pencil from a nice woman and found some paper that I tore into four pieces . I wrote my name , my mother 's name , and a short message on each piece , saying that she should meet me at the house where we used to live . I then placed one of them on the wall left standing at our old house and the other three on different light posts around the city . For as long as I was in Berlin , I went to where our house had stood every day , even long after my plaintive notices had blown away . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It wasn 't long before the Americans told us that all able - bodied people would have to work if they wanted to eat . I was given a wheelbarrow and told to collect bricks and deposit them in neat stacks at a certain location . I wasn 't the only one doing so . Men and women all over Berlin were doing the same thing . I think the work that the Americans had us do was as much about keeping us occupied as it was about cleaning up Berlin . But there was no shortage of bricks , and I kept busy in that fashion for the next five months . At the end of each day , I was given a piece of paper that allowed me to get in the worker 's line for food ; a little more food was doled out there than at the other food lines . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After six months in Berlin , I had given up hope of ever finding my mother . If she were alive , she would have been at our old house waiting for me long before I even got back to the city . It was time to get on with my life . I was a baker , not a brick picker - upper . And as things were , there was no need of my services in Berlin , nor would there be for the foreseeable future . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] By the time I came to that decision , some of the railroad tracks had been repaired , and there was limited train service , but only for commercial reasons . I hid in an open car that was carrying coal and heading northwest . The train stopped in Cuxhaven , a small seaport town on the North Sea . On the spur of the moment , I decided I would try to get to another country . Germany had been destroyed and without my mother , there was nothing to keep me there . But first , I would need some money . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It was about a year after the war . I had decided that I wanted to go to America . I had been working on the docks for a little over six months and still did not have enough saved for my passage . I worked hard and I got to know a few of the captains that frequented the port . One captain in particular , Captain Hans Becker . One day he invited me to come to his cabin when the loading of his ship was completed . " Come and have a glass of schnapps with me when you are done , " he bellowed from the bridge . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I took a sip of my schnapps and thought for a moment before answering . " I cook for myself every night . I do not waste money eating out . I am saving for my passage to America . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] " I don 't see why not . I am able - bodied and can support myself . It is a big country , I am sure they can use one more baker . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Hans poured me another glass of schnapps and said , " I am sailing for America in two days , and I need a cook . If you agree not to poison my crew , you can sign on . We will be in America for two weeks before returning . It will give you a chance to see if you like the country , and you will be earning the whole way there and back with no expenses for lodging or food . You will be able to put more away than if you stayed here . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It was a fast crossing . We pulled into New York Harbor just seven days after leaving Cuxhaven . The customs people came on board before we had even finished tying our lines to the dock . They checked Hans ' paperwork and when they saw that he was carrying industrial parts from the IG Farben Company as part of the war reparations , we were quickly documented and told to enjoy ourselves while in New York City . IG Farben was the company that made the poison gas used in the death camps . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] At first I had trouble adjusting to the tall buildings . I had never seen anything like them before , except in the moving pictures that came from America prior to the war . I soon began to love the city . Whenever I had the time , I would stroll the streets and observe the people . They were all so intent with their lives . Rushing to wherever it was they were going . I wondered if they knew how lucky they were that the war had not affected America like it had Germany . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] One day while walking in a part of the city that I later learned was known as Little Germany , I happened upon a bakery . The smells coming from inside reminded me of Herr Hoffman 's shop . I went in not knowing how I was going to make myself understood . At the time , I still spoke no English . However , I need not have worried . The shop was empty but for a man behind the counter who asked me , in German , what I would like . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I told him I was just over from the Fatherland and it was good to hear my native tongue spoken in America . When he heard that I had been in Germany just a week earlier , he asked me to sit down at a little table by the window and excused himself . He was back in less than a minute with two cups of coffee and a plate of cinnamon cookies . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] He had seen newsreels and read the papers . He wanted to know all about how things were back home . He asked if it was true that Germany had been totally destroyed . I told him what I had seen from one end of the country to the other , especially what was done to Berlin . He sat there and listened to me without interruption and without touching his coffee . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] As soon as I had finished speaking , he took my cup , went behind the counter and refilled it . When he sat down again , he asked about me personally . Was I immigrating to America ? What had I done during the war , and a thousand other questions . We spoke the afternoon away . By the time I realized that I would be late getting back to the ship , I had learned that he was a Jew and had left Germany two years after Hitler came to power . He had seen the handwriting on the wall . And I told him that , like him , I was a baker . He said he had things he wanted to talk to me about , but I didn 't have the time then , so I agreed to come back to his shop the following day . The baker 's name was Herman Klein . He would turn out to be the best friend I would ever have . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I arrived early the next day , and the shop was busy . There were at least fifteen people in line and Herr Klein could not serve them fast enough . When I saw one lady get frustrated at the wait and walk out , I joined Herr Klein behind the counter and helped him serve his customers . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] At last , the shop was empty . Herr Klein poured two cups of coffee , and we resumed our seats by the window . After blowing on his coffee to cool it a bit , he said to me , " If you would like to stay here in America , I think I can fix it for you . I can vouch for you and tell the authorities that you have a job with me so that you will not be a burden on the people of this great country . And when they find out that you were in one of the camps , they are bound to let you stay . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] " My wife died before I left Germany , and I have no children . I 'm over - working myself and I could use some help , but good bakers are hard to come by . If you come in with me and we get along , I will give you a 25 % partnership in my business after six months . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When it was my turn to say something , I could think of nothing to say . I desperately wanted to take him up on his offer , but I had a commitment to Hans . I told Herman that I would have to discuss the matter with my captain , but whatever the outcome , I wanted him to know that I was deeply moved by the proposition . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] That night , Hans only laughed when I told him that I did not think I could stay in America because it would leave him without a cook . " Listen , my friend . You would be a fool not to take Herr Klein 's offer . The crossing is seven days , I think we can manage that long without a cook . The men can take turns doing the honors . It might be interesting to see what they come up with . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] That is how I ended up in America . I was allowed to stay because I had money , a job , and a sponsor . Herman was right - having been a prisoner would help my case . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When I showed the man who was interviewing me the card stating that I had been at Dachau , I saw something in his eyes , something sad . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Herman taught me English and when I was proficient enough , I took the citizenship classes to learn about this wonderful country and its history . Six months to the day after I started working for him , Herman gave me a 25 % interest in the bakery . It was official ; his lawyer had drawn up the papers . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I became a proud citizen of the United States on 9 February 1947 . I was forty - nine years old . Herman and I worked together for ten years . He was nineteen years older than I and in the fall of 1957 when he was seventy - eight , Herman announced that he could take the cold no longer and was retiring to Florida . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] He sold me his interest in the shop , but no cash changed hands . Our agreement was that I would send him a check every month to cover his expenses with a little left over . If I sold the shop , then I would send him his percentage of the proceeds . This time there was no lawyer involved . It was a handshake deal . Two years later , Herman died in his sleep . . . two days after his eightieth birthday . I was listed as his next of kin and was duly notified of his passing . I closed the shop for a few days and flew to Florida to bury my friend under the warm Florida sun . I was sixty - one - years - old . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I ran the shop until I was eighty - five . Of course , I had help . I trained a young man to be a master baker and ended up selling him the shop with no money down . He sent me a check every month for ten years . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I told you the story of my life so that anyone who hears these words will understand that I know whereof I speak . I lived through two of the worst periods in human history . And they took place only twenty years apart . The first , of course , being what was then known as the Great War . I saw the carnage first hand . In that war , nine million men were slain . The second occurrence of man 's inhumanity to man was the second great war . Sixty million men , women , and children died in that war , including the eleven million human beings that perished in the concentration camps . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] To my point : All that suffering and all those deaths came about because of fear . I was young at the time , but I remember the election of 1912 . The left - wing Social Democratic Party made huge gains in that election . The right - wing Prussians feared a loss of power and started agitating for war to distract the populace . Terms like " nationalism " and " territorial rights " were used . We Germans began to fear that there was not enough land . We felt that we had to take land from others so that we would have enough for ourselves . It is ironic , or maybe not , but that is the same argument Hitler used when he had his army march into Czechoslovakia . He wanted land for the German people . It was fear of not having enough space in which to live that caused the death of nine million men and seriously wounded another twenty - two million . And here we are one hundred years later and there is plenty for everyone . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] All wars are fought because of fear . Hitler did not hate the Jews , he feared them . He feared the left - wingers , and he feared anyone that was not just like him . Unfortunately , there were too many people in Germany at that time who had the same fears . That is how concentration camps come about . Concentrate those who are different from you behind fences of barbed wire . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] In Germany , we gave up our civil liberties through the Enabling Act because of fear . The Reichstag had just been torched , and we were all fearful . Fearful of what , we were not quite sure . We were definitely afraid of the Jews , but our other fears were not so self - evident . We believed our leaders knew best , so we allowed them to take our freedoms in the hope that they would protect us . And once you give up your rights to a government - any government - it is very hard to get them back . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Here in America , this beautiful adopted land of mine , we gave up our civil liberties after 9 / 11 through the Patriot Act , another act that was born of fear . Like the Enabling Act , it was supposed to lapse after four years . And like the Enabling Act , it is not going anywhere . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] In Germany , it was the Jews . Now many of us here fear Muslims . I am not saying that America is on the verge of another Hitler . What I am saying , and this is from an old man on his way out who has seen it all and lived it all , what I am saying is this : Come from a place of love not fear . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I am one hundred and three years old as I speak these words , and I can still get around . I walked to a pawnshop not far from where I live and bought this recorder . It is a cassette recorder . The man in the store told me they were obsolete , so he gave me a good price . I bought it to say just one thing . I have to say it now because tomorrow I will be either in heaven or in hell , I do not know which , but wherever I am , you will not be able to hear my words . So I speak them into this microphone to be placed on a tape , and I pray that someone , someday , somewhere will hear them . Not only hear my words , but also heed them . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] This is what I spent the better part of an hour getting to : There is only love and fear . That is all . All negative emotions come from fear ; jealousy , hatred , greed , just to name a few . Fear of not having enough , fear of not being loved enough , fear of someone that is different from us , fear of someone who worships a different God than we do . There is only fear and love . I tell you : Live your life with love . The kind of love a mother has for her child . The kind of love that a man has who jumps in front a bullet to save his friend ; love like Mother Teresa had for the poor of this world . The love that Jesus had when he laid down his life . [ / SIZE ] well , what will it take to cut immigration big time ? ? a Nuclear Bio Chemical attack that effects thousands ? ? that 's not fear , but reality and possibility Welcome to WWII Forums ! You are at a gateway to WWII discussion , research , exploration , & analysis . We directly support the repository at WW2 . ORG , and several other worthwhile projects that add to the historical record . Join in if you dare ! |
[ SIZE = 12pt ] What you are about to read , I transcribed from a cassette recording . It came to me in a roundabout way about two years ago . A friend of mine runs an Assisted Living Facility ; what we used to call a nursing home . An old gentleman had recently died and as he had no family , his belongings were boxed up and brought to my friend 's office for disposal . The clothes were thrown away , the books put in the community room . The cassette player , my friend kept . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After listening to the tape , my friend called me to tell me about it . Because I am a writer , he thought I might be able to use something from it for a story idea . I thanked him and asked if he could drop it off the next time he was in the neighborhood . A week later , I answered a knock on my door and there stood my friend , cassette player in hand . I thanked him and took possession of the tape and the recorder . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After hearing what was on the tape , I decided that I could not improvise a story half as compelling as the old man 's . His words speak for themselves . I give them to you as he spoke them . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 18pt ] Again [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I went off to war at the tender age of sixteen . My mother cried and begged me to stay , but my country needed me . I would not see my mother again for four very long years . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Due to my age , I was assigned to field headquarters as a dispatch courier for the first two years of the war . However , by the beginning of the third year , I had grown a foot taller , and I was shaving . And because men were dying at an alarming rate , I was sent into the trenches . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] They say that war is hell . I say hell is peaceful compared to living in a muddy trench with bombs exploding around you at all hours of the day and night . Though there were periods of respite from the shelling . Those were the hours when the enemy had to let their big guns cool or else the heat of firing would warp them . I lived like that for two years . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I was at Verdun where I saw the true hell of war . After eleven months , we fought to a standstill . When the dead were counted , almost a million men from both sides had given their lives and not one inch of ground had been gained . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] By November of 1918 , we were out of food , out of ammunition , and almost out of men to send to the slaughter . The people at home had had enough of seeing their sons and fathers and brothers shipped home in boxes . There were marches and protests against the war . Near the end , the dead were not even sent home . They were buried in the fields where they had fallen . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] At last , the war was over . I am told that nine million men died in those four years , and another twenty million were wounded . I was there and those numbers seem a little low to me , but what do I know ? I was only a private . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When I returned home , President Ebert was there to meet us soldiers . He shook my hand and said , " No enemy has vanquished you . " He said the same thing to each man as he stepped off the train . Then I read in a newspaper that he repeated the same phrase in a speech . He should not have done so . It was the basis of , the beginning of , [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Dolchstoßlegende [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] , the Stab - In - The - Back Myth . The myth that said we lost the war because of the Jews , the Socialists , and the Bolsheviks . But mostly because of the Jews . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I told you of my war experience because I wanted you to know I was there . I saw why we lost the war , and it was not because of [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Dolchstoßlegend [ / SIZE ] e [ SIZE = 12pt ] . However , [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Dolchstoßlegende [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] would affect me much more than the war ever had . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] My mother , when she saw me , dropped the dish she was holding . It broke on the floor , shattering into many pieces . She rushed to me and held me tight . I felt her warm tears on my neck until she let go and held me at arm 's length . " Let me look at you , " she said as she cried with happiness . " My , you have grown so big ! You remind me of your father . " My father had died years earlier ; I barely remembered him . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It was good to be home . I had no plans except to sleep late every morning and eat my mother 's good cooking . However , the sleeping late was not to be . When I left , my mother was working in her friend 's millinery shop , but the shop had gone out of business during the war . My mother had been living off the money I was sending home every month . She said she did not write me of her plight because she did not want me to worry about her . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I was no longer a boy . I was now a man of twenty years . I had seen the horrors of war and I had lived through those horrors . Certainly , I could provide for my mother and me . Four days after returning home , I went in search of a job . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] My first employment was with a blacksmith . However , that did not last long . The automobile was driving him out of business , and he had to let me go . Then Herr Hoffman hired me ; he ran the largest bakery in Berlin . It was a good job because I was treated well and shown respect by Herr Hoffman . It was a job I was to have until . . . well . . . until I could no longer work . More on that later . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It was about that time the troubles began . The Allies had demanded reparations , and because of the war itself , there were food shortages and inflation . It was not uncommon to see someone with a suitcase filled with Mark notes going to buy a few groceries . One day , a man came into our shop with a 10 , 000 Mark note and asked if it would be enough to buy ten loaves of bread . Before the war , a loaf of bread cost 10 Pfennig , the equivalent of an American nickel . It was good to work where I could take a little food home every day , even if it was only a loaf of stale bread . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] By 1924 , inflation had gotten so bad that the Mark was replaced by the Reichsmark , but it did little good . There was still rampant inflation and food shortages persisted . Of course , someone had to be blamed for the sorry state of affairs . That is when the Brownshirts appeared . I used to see them on the street corners giving speeches . They were always going on about the Jews and the communists . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] In those days , I kept mostly to myself . However , being a young man , I did , on occasion , go to a beer hall for a stein or two . It was on one of those occasions that I had my first , but not my last , run - in with the [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] or the National Socialist German Worker 's Party . They called themselves Nazis . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The year was 1931 . I was thirty - three years old . I still lived with my mother and I still worked for Herr Hoffman [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] . But by then , I did more than carry the fifty - pound bags of flour for the bakers . I was now a baker myself . It was a very good position . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After my second stein , I could take it no longer . I turned to them and asked , " Were any of you in the war ? " I knew none of them had been because of their age . I think the oldest one couldn 't have been more than twenty - five . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] One of the younger ones answered my question . " No , but if we had , we wouldn 't have lost the war . " At that , I had to smile . I was dealing with children . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] My smile seemed to anger them . " What are you laughing at ? " one of them asked . Another stood and approached me . " Are you a Jew ? " he demanded . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] That was enough for me . I stood and said , " No , I am not a Jew , but I fought shoulder to shoulder with them during the war while you were sucking your mother 's tit . And pound for pound , I 'd rather have a Jew fighting next to me than any of you ! " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] True to the Nazi form , they took out their batons and beat me . There were six of them , so I did not have much of a chance , but I did get in a few good punches . One of which knocked out a front tooth of the man who had asked if I was a Jew . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Someone called the police , and they broke up the brawl . Just in time from my way of thinking ; I was getting the worst of it . I was told to go home , and as I paid my bill , I saw the policemen talking to the Brownshirts . They all seemed quite friendly with one another . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] In January of 1933 , Herr Hitler became the chancellor of our republic . In February , the Reichstag burned . The Nazis said it was arson and Hitler persuaded President von Hindenburg to pass the Enabling Act , which suspended our civil liberties . The Act empowered Hitler to name himself dictator of Germany in 1934 . The first thing he did was to outlaw trade unions . Then he passed laws prohibiting Jews from working in the civil service and as lawyers or doctors for anyone except their own people . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] By 1938 , I was the master baker in Herr [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Hoffman 's shop . My life was good . My mother was still alive , and we still lived together . On my way home one night , I stopped off at a local ratskeller for a stein . As I entered , I bumped into a man wearing the black uniform of the Schutzstaffe ; he was missing a front tooth . I knew him right away . He was the Brownshirt whose tooth I had knocked out back in 1931 . All of Germany knew of Hitler 's storm troopers , and all of Germany feared them . I could see that he remembered me from somewhere , but was not sure where . Before he could remember , I left without having my stein . As I was going through the door , I turned to see him talking to the barmaid , pointing in my direction . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Since the passing of the Enabling Act , it was legal to arrest a person for little or no reason . Most of the arrests were of people who spoke out against Hitler . The SS Storm Troopers were the ones that did the arresting . Once the SS had you in custody , you ended up in a concentration camp . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The establishment of the camps was also one of the things Herr Hitler did in his first year as chancellor . I had no desire to be sent to a camp for punching a party member in the face years earlier , so I hurried home that evening . I remember the date well . It was 8 November 1938 , one day before Kristallnacht or Crystal Night , also known as The Night of Broken Glass . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Over a two - day period , the SS and non - Jewish citizens throughout the country destroyed property owned by Jews . Storefronts were shattered ; homes entered and looted ; synagogues set afire . The property of Jews was easy to identify because their stores , houses and synagogues were painted with a yellow Star of David or the word Jude . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When the rampage ended , the sunlight reflecting off the fragmented glass lying in the street gave it the look of broken crystal . Two thousand Jewish men had been arrested . Two thousand Jewish men . . . and me . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] On the final night of [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Kristallnacht , [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] the SS - led by the storm trooper with the missing tooth - came for me . My mother cried and pleaded with them not to take me . I said nothing ; I knew what it was about . It was about revenge for a single punch in the face seven years earlier . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The SS put me in jail and there I sat for a month before I was charged with treason to the Fatherland and being a " Jew lover . " Without a trial , I was sent to Dachau , which was located in southern Germany . At first , I was treated as any other prisoner . I was sent to a sub - camp and used as slave labor , hollowing out a mountain for a military installation . Then one day , two prison guards hauled me out of the mountain , transported me back to the main camp , and escorted me into the office of the camp commandant , Hauptsturmführer Piorkowski . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I stood before his desk with a guard on either side of me . Piorkowski was reading a file and did not acknowledge our presence . I was hopeful that at last someone had realized my arrest had been a mistake , that it was due to a vengeful major of the SS . I had been in the camp five months by then and had lost forty pounds . I would not last much longer if I was not freed . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Piorkowski smiled and asked if I knew how to make strudel . Of course I did , and I told him so . Again , he smiled and said , " We will see . " He told the guards to take me to the showers , get me a clean prison uniform , and escort me to the kantine . Turning to me he said , " This might be your lucky day . If you can make a decent strudel , I will take you out of the mountain and put you to baking for the officers and enlisted men . Our cooks are adequate , but none of them can make a proper strudel . And their breads are not much better . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After I cleaned up , the two guards took me to the main kitchen . There were two kitchens , the main one that prepared the SS 's food , and another one that did the same for the prisoners . Both were staffed by men of the Wehrmacht or regular army . The men of the Waffen - SS were above such things . Of course , prisoners could not be trusted to work around food considering the insufficient amount we were given . They would not have been able to help themselves and would have stolen more food than they prepared . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When we arrived , one of the guards left and the other one told the cook on duty what the commandant wanted of me . The cook shrugged and pointed to a table next to a wall of ovens . The guard said , " You will find what you need under the table . " And he added , " The ovens are heated and ready to go . " He did not leave ; he just stood there and watched me work . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I did have to ask where to find certain ingredients . But I soon got down to work . It felt good to knead flour once again . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The smells of the kitchen were driving me mad . I was hungry , very hungry , but I knew if I asked for something to eat , I would probably be beaten . Soon the strudels were ready for the oven . I had made twelve filled with cheese . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] As soon as they were done , I took the pan out of the oven and laid it on the table . The guard was a young private ; he was licking his lips as his eyes followed the strudels from oven to table . Then the cook came over . He looked at my work and took a strudel in hand . It was hot , but it did not seem to faze him . He took a bite , chewed and swallowed . Without saying a word , he nodded at me and went back to whatever it was he had been doing . It was all I could do not to shove a strudel into my mouth . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Once they had cooled , the private took me and the strudels back to the commandant . This time we had to wait in the outer office for about fifteen minutes . But at least I was not in the mountain with a pickaxe in my hand and a machine gun at my back . At length , we were summoned into Piorkowski 's office . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] As we entered , the commandant told me to lay the pan on his desk . I could see that a place had been cleared for that purpose . Then he said , " If they taste half as good as they smell , you will have a new job here at our little camp . Now wait outside until called for . " The guard and I left Piorkowski to enjoy his strudels . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When we were called back in , two of the strudels were gone , and Piorkowski had a smile on his face . " It is a good thing for you that you are not a Jew , " he said . The questioning look on my face must have prompted him to go on . " If you were a Jew , I couldn 't allow you in the kitchen . None of my men would eat anything that was touched by a Jew , no matter how tasty . " As I turned to leave , Piorkowski told the guard that after he brought me back to the kitchen , he could go about his regular duties . " I don 't think our new baker will try to escape because , if he did , then I 'd have to have him shot . " To me he said , " The head cook will tell you what you need to know . I 've instructed him to give you one meal a day , regular rations . We don 't want you getting too weak to make your wonderful strudel . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] As I bent to pick up the tray with the remaining strudels , he told me to leave it . Then as an afterthought , he said , " Keep clean . I will give orders allowing you to shower every day . And when your uniform is soiled , ask for a clean one . I do not want dirt or lice falling onto what you bake . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I nodded , and the guard and I started out , but before we got to the door , Piorkowski asked , " How are you with [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] pfeffernüsse [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] ? " I told him I was the best with anything he wanted baked . P [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] feffernüsse [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] are spice cookies . When I answered him , [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] there was an edge to my voice . I was still disappointed at not being released , but more so because he still doubted my ability even after tasting my strudel . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] His smile was quickly replaced with a frown . " Never use that tone of voice with me again or I 'll send you back to the mountain . Now get to work ! " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I was brought back to the kitchen and placed in the hands of the head cook . He informed me of my duties . His main concern was bread . There were 1500 camp personnel , mostly SS , but there were also , as I have said , some Wehrmacht . He would need 1000 loaves per day . Of course , it was also going to be my duty to make desserts . Unless ordered to produce a particular dessert by the commandant , he would leave the decision of what to prepare up to me . He was a nice man , a sergeant in the Wehrmacht . He treated me as an equal the entire time I worked in his kitchen . His name was Joseph Müller . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It was late in the afternoon , and there would be no more baking that day . They fired the ovens at 3 : 00 a . m . and that was when my day would begin . It would not end until I had everything baked for the evening meal , usually between 4 : 00 and 5 : 00 p . m . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After he had finished showing me around and told me what was expected of me , I told him that I could not come up with 1000 loaves of bread per day and desserts for 1500 men twice a day , every day , without some help . Sgt . Müller said he had detailed six men to help me . He had told them to do what I said and pay no attention to the fact that I was a prisoner . It was the first time in five months that I had been treated like a human being and it brought a tear to my eye . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Dachau was not a death camp like Auschwitz or Buchenwald were . It was a camp for political prisoners . Many died , but the deaths were mostly from disease and starvation . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I felt guilty eating my one meal a day in the kitchen while my fellow prisoners lined up for their meager meal of watered - down soup . We were always hungry , but I had it a little better than the other prisoners . That is why , one afternoon when my work was done , I smuggled two loaves of bread from the kitchen and brought them to my barracks . My intent was to feed a few poor souls . But when the people saw what I had , a riot broke out . People were shoving and stepping over one another to get to me . The loaves were wrenched from my hands before I was five steps into the barracks . Of course , with all the commotion , the guards came in , and when they saw what was happening and what had caused the disturbance , I was brought before [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Piorkowski . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] " So that is how you repay my kindness ? " Without waiting for an answer , he went on . " One more incident like we had this afternoon , I will hang you in the yard and your body will stay there until it rots . It will serve as a reminder to the other prisoners that my will is law , and anyone who breaks my law will suffer a similar fate . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After he had finished speaking , he seemed calmer and in a softer voice he said , " Seeing as how you love your fellow prisoners so much , you can eat with them for the next four days . But after that , you can go back to your meal in the kitchen . I don 't want you too weak to work . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When I returned to the barracks , no one would meet my eyes or speak with me . They were ashamed for the way they had acted and resentful of me for being the cause of their shame . But I could not blame them . Hunger is a terrible thing . To be hungry day in and day out , with no relief in sight , will take away one 's humanity . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Six other commandants followed Piorkowski , and they all kept me baking my breads and strudels . That is how I survived Dachau . I did not starve to death because I ate relatively well . Besides my daily meal , I snuck cheese and fruits meant for the strudels and a piece of bread now and then . I had to be careful because , if caught , I 'd be reported . Sgt . Müller knew what I was doing , but as I 've said before , he was a good man . I did not succumb to disease because of my diet and the fact that I showered daily . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I 'll never forget the date the camp was liberated . It was 29 April 1945 . I was forty - seven years old . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The commandant and the SS officers left in the morning ; the Americans came in the afternoon . The first thing the Americans did once they had control of the camp was separate the men of the [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Wehrmacht from the SS . Then they stood forty - five men of the SS up against a wall and executed them . At the time I did not speak English , but a prisoner who did told me why the SS were shot . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] A half mile from the camp , the Americans had come upon railroad cars that were locked and standing idle . When the cars were opened , there lay two thousand dead Jews . They had been left locked in the cars with no water or food for three weeks . Many of the Americans retched from the smell of feces and rotting flesh . Many more were sick just from the horrible sight . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] So when the Americans liberated our camp , they were not feeling too kindly towards members of the SS . In fact , they stood around and watched , and did not interfere , when prisoners who were not too weak or too sick attacked SS guards that had been rounded up and herded into the roll call yard . When the SS men were dead , one man who took part in the killings , came towards me holding a shovel , shouting that I was a Nazi lover . He would have struck me , but another prisoner came between us . He held up his hand and said , pointing to me , " This man has done nothing against any of us . He did what he had to do to stay alive . You were not here at the time , but , at great risk to himself , he brought bread to us . He was found out and told that he would be executed if he did it again . What would you have done differently , my friend ? " The man dropped the shovel , buried his face in his hands and cried . I think he was crying because at last the horror was over and once again he could live as a human being and not as a feral animal . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] We could not leave the camp because the war was still raging all around us . The Americans were fighting their way to Berlin . My mother was in Berlin and I wanted to see her again so badly . We could not leave , but we were fed three meals a day , and the Americans brought in medical personnel to treat the sick . Half the camp was down with typhus . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] The war ended about two weeks later when Admiral Dönitz unconditionally surrendered . Hitler had appointed him head of state in his will . We were free to leave the camp , but before we could go , we had to queue up and get a card stating that we were ex - prisoners . This was done because many SS men had discarded their uniforms and were claiming to be soldiers of the [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Wehrmacht . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] There was no train service because the tracks had all been bombed . So I started walking to Berlin . It was a three - hundred - and - fifty - mile walk . It was also a most interesting walk . Along the way , I saw what the war - or more to the point - what Hitler had done to our country . There was devastation of one sort or another in all the cities . The countryside for the most part looked untouched . But wherever I went , people were hungry . And so was I . I stole vegetables from some farms and received handouts from others . There was no food to be had in the towns or the cities , at least not for me . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I was stopped numerous times by allied soldiers . Even though I had the card stating I was an ex - prisoner , I was asked on more than one occasion to remove my coat and shirt and raise my arms . The soldiers were looking for the tattoo of the SS . All SS men had the [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] symbol tattooed on the inside of their biceps . Some soldiers let me pass without checking for the tattoo because of my thin frame . It was obvious that I had not been eating very well or very much for a long while . All members of the SS were well fed . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It took me eighteen days to reach the outskirts of Berlin . I thought I had seen devastation on my journey , but I was not prepared for what I beheld as I walked the streets of Berlin . The city had been thoroughly destroyed . There was not a building left intact , and the people were walking around in a state of shock . I went right to my former home to find only a crater and half of a wall standing where my house should have been . My mother was nowhere to be seen . I prayed that she had not been in the building when the bomb struck . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I spent the rest of the day walking the streets looking for my mother before I had to stop because of darkness . I found a cellar that was unoccupied . Even though the floor was rough and hard , I slept through the night . I was awakened by an excited clamor up in the street ; many people talking . I brushed the dust off my clothes and went to see what was happening . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] There was a line of people waiting to be fed . At the front of the line were American soldiers ladling out what looked to be soup . I hurriedly got to the end of the line and asked the man in front of me what was going on . " Isn 't it obvious ? The Americans are feeding us so that we don 't devolve into cannibalism , " he said with a slight grin on his face . He went on to tell me that twice a day , at various locations , they dished out just enough food to keep a person alive . Then he looked at my empty hands and added , ' Unless you are going to carry your soup in those , I would recommend you find a bowl somewhere . " By then there were about twenty people behind me and I hated to give up my place , but he was right , so I left the line . I had to go only a block before I found what I was after . It was in a destroyed building on the ground floor . I went to where the kitchen had been and moved bricks around until I found a pie tin . Next , I looked for a spoon . I was throwing bricks aside as fast as I could . I was in a panic that the soup would run out before I could get back . Then I found what I was looking for . There was only one problem . The spoon was attached to a woman 's hand , a dead woman 's hand . It was all that I could see . The rest of her body was buried under a pile of bricks . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I had seen many a dead body over the last five years , so one more did not shock me . And I am ashamed to say it , but I took the spoon from her cold , dead hand and hurried back to the food line without another thought of her . As I said , hunger is a terrible thing and a man will do terrible things to alleviate the pain . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] That was my life for the next month . I would line up twice a day for something to eat , usually soup . When I wasn 't in line , I would search for my mother . At night , I slept in an air raid shelter with two hundred other displaced Berliners . The occupiers had converted all the shelters into sleeping quarters . Unless you were extremely sick , you were not allowed to be there during the day . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] On all the light posts were notices put up by people looking for lost family members . I borrowed a pencil from a nice woman and found some paper that I tore into four pieces . I wrote my name , my mother 's name , and a short message on each piece , saying that she should meet me at the house where we used to live . I then placed one of them on the wall left standing at our old house and the other three on different light posts around the city . For as long as I was in Berlin , I went to where our house had stood every day , even long after my plaintive notices had blown away . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It wasn 't long before the Americans told us that all able - bodied people would have to work if they wanted to eat . I was given a wheelbarrow and told to collect bricks and deposit them in neat stacks at a certain location . I wasn 't the only one doing so . Men and women all over Berlin were doing the same thing . I think the work that the Americans had us do was as much about keeping us occupied as it was about cleaning up Berlin . But there was no shortage of bricks , and I kept busy in that fashion for the next five months . At the end of each day , I was given a piece of paper that allowed me to get in the worker 's line for food ; a little more food was doled out there than at the other food lines . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] After six months in Berlin , I had given up hope of ever finding my mother . If she were alive , she would have been at our old house waiting for me long before I even got back to the city . It was time to get on with my life . I was a baker , not a brick picker - upper . And as things were , there was no need of my services in Berlin , nor would there be for the foreseeable future . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] By the time I came to that decision , some of the railroad tracks had been repaired , and there was limited train service , but only for commercial reasons . I hid in an open car that was carrying coal and heading northwest . The train stopped in Cuxhaven , a small seaport town on the North Sea . On the spur of the moment , I decided I would try to get to another country . Germany had been destroyed and without my mother , there was nothing to keep me there . But first , I would need some money . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It was about a year after the war . I had decided that I wanted to go to America . I had been working on the docks for a little over six months and still did not have enough saved for my passage . I worked hard and I got to know a few of the captains that frequented the port . One captain in particular , Captain Hans Becker . One day he invited me to come to his cabin when the loading of his ship was completed . " Come and have a glass of schnapps with me when you are done , " he bellowed from the bridge . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I took a sip of my schnapps and thought for a moment before answering . " I cook for myself every night . I do not waste money eating out . I am saving for my passage to America . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] " I don 't see why not . I am able - bodied and can support myself . It is a big country , I am sure they can use one more baker . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Hans poured me another glass of schnapps and said , " I am sailing for America in two days , and I need a cook . If you agree not to poison my crew , you can sign on . We will be in America for two weeks before returning . It will give you a chance to see if you like the country , and you will be earning the whole way there and back with no expenses for lodging or food . You will be able to put more away than if you stayed here . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] It was a fast crossing . We pulled into New York Harbor just seven days after leaving Cuxhaven . The customs people came on board before we had even finished tying our lines to the dock . They checked Hans ' paperwork and when they saw that he was carrying industrial parts from the IG Farben Company as part of the war reparations , we were quickly documented and told to enjoy ourselves while in New York City . IG Farben was the company that made the poison gas used in the death camps . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] At first I had trouble adjusting to the tall buildings . I had never seen anything like them before , except in the moving pictures that came from America prior to the war . I soon began to love the city . Whenever I had the time , I would stroll the streets and observe the people . They were all so intent with their lives . Rushing to wherever it was they were going . I wondered if they knew how lucky they were that the war had not affected America like it had Germany . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] One day while walking in a part of the city that I later learned was known as Little Germany , I happened upon a bakery . The smells coming from inside reminded me of Herr Hoffman 's shop . I went in not knowing how I was going to make myself understood . At the time , I still spoke no English . However , I need not have worried . The shop was empty but for a man behind the counter who asked me , in German , what I would like . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I told him I was just over from the Fatherland and it was good to hear my native tongue spoken in America . When he heard that I had been in Germany just a week earlier , he asked me to sit down at a little table by the window and excused himself . He was back in less than a minute with two cups of coffee and a plate of cinnamon cookies . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] He had seen newsreels and read the papers . He wanted to know all about how things were back home . He asked if it was true that Germany had been totally destroyed . I told him what I had seen from one end of the country to the other , especially what was done to Berlin . He sat there and listened to me without interruption and without touching his coffee . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] As soon as I had finished speaking , he took my cup , went behind the counter and refilled it . When he sat down again , he asked about me personally . Was I immigrating to America ? What had I done during the war , and a thousand other questions . We spoke the afternoon away . By the time I realized that I would be late getting back to the ship , I had learned that he was a Jew and had left Germany two years after Hitler came to power . He had seen the handwriting on the wall . And I told him that , like him , I was a baker . He said he had things he wanted to talk to me about , but I didn 't have the time then , so I agreed to come back to his shop the following day . The baker 's name was Herman Klein . He would turn out to be the best friend I would ever have . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I arrived early the next day , and the shop was busy . There were at least fifteen people in line and Herr Klein could not serve them fast enough . When I saw one lady get frustrated at the wait and walk out , I joined Herr Klein behind the counter and helped him serve his customers . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] At last , the shop was empty . Herr Klein poured two cups of coffee , and we resumed our seats by the window . After blowing on his coffee to cool it a bit , he said to me , " If you would like to stay here in America , I think I can fix it for you . I can vouch for you and tell the authorities that you have a job with me so that you will not be a burden on the people of this great country . And when they find out that you were in one of the camps , they are bound to let you stay . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] " My wife died before I left Germany , and I have no children . I 'm over - working myself and I could use some help , but good bakers are hard to come by . If you come in with me and we get along , I will give you a 25 % partnership in my business after six months . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When it was my turn to say something , I could think of nothing to say . I desperately wanted to take him up on his offer , but I had a commitment to Hans . I told Herman that I would have to discuss the matter with my captain , but whatever the outcome , I wanted him to know that I was deeply moved by the proposition . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] That night , Hans only laughed when I told him that I did not think I could stay in America because it would leave him without a cook . " Listen , my friend . You would be a fool not to take Herr Klein 's offer . The crossing is seven days , I think we can manage that long without a cook . The men can take turns doing the honors . It might be interesting to see what they come up with . " [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] That is how I ended up in America . I was allowed to stay because I had money , a job , and a sponsor . Herman was right - having been a prisoner would help my case . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] When I showed the man who was interviewing me the card stating that I had been at Dachau , I saw something in his eyes , something sad . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Herman taught me English and when I was proficient enough , I took the citizenship classes to learn about this wonderful country and its history . Six months to the day after I started working for him , Herman gave me a 25 % interest in the bakery . It was official ; his lawyer had drawn up the papers . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I became a proud citizen of the United States on 9 February 1947 . I was forty - nine years old . Herman and I worked together for ten years . He was nineteen years older than I and in the fall of 1957 when he was seventy - eight , Herman announced that he could take the cold no longer and was retiring to Florida . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] He sold me his interest in the shop , but no cash changed hands . Our agreement was that I would send him a check every month to cover his expenses with a little left over . If I sold the shop , then I would send him his percentage of the proceeds . This time there was no lawyer involved . It was a handshake deal . Two years later , Herman died in his sleep . . . two days after his eightieth birthday . I was listed as his next of kin and was duly notified of his passing . I closed the shop for a few days and flew to Florida to bury my friend under the warm Florida sun . I was sixty - one - years - old . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I ran the shop until I was eighty - five . Of course , I had help . I trained a young man to be a master baker and ended up selling him the shop with no money down . He sent me a check every month for ten years . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I told you the story of my life so that anyone who hears these words will understand that I know whereof I speak . I lived through two of the worst periods in human history . And they took place only twenty years apart . The first , of course , being what was then known as the Great War . I saw the carnage first hand . In that war , nine million men were slain . The second occurrence of man 's inhumanity to man was the second great war . Sixty million men , women , and children died in that war , including the eleven million human beings that perished in the concentration camps . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] To my point : All that suffering and all those deaths came about because of fear . I was young at the time , but I remember the election of 1912 . The left - wing Social Democratic Party made huge gains in that election . The right - wing Prussians feared a loss of power and started agitating for war to distract the populace . Terms like " nationalism " and " territorial rights " were used . We Germans began to fear that there was not enough land . We felt that we had to take land from others so that we would have enough for ourselves . It is ironic , or maybe not , but that is the same argument Hitler used when he had his army march into Czechoslovakia . He wanted land for the German people . It was fear of not having enough space in which to live that caused the death of nine million men and seriously wounded another twenty - two million . And here we are one hundred years later and there is plenty for everyone . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] All wars are fought because of fear . Hitler did not hate the Jews , he feared them . He feared the left - wingers , and he feared anyone that was not just like him . Unfortunately , there were too many people in Germany at that time who had the same fears . That is how concentration camps come about . Concentrate those who are different from you behind fences of barbed wire . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] In Germany , we gave up our civil liberties through the Enabling Act because of fear . The Reichstag had just been torched , and we were all fearful . Fearful of what , we were not quite sure . We were definitely afraid of the Jews , but our other fears were not so self - evident . We believed our leaders knew best , so we allowed them to take our freedoms in the hope that they would protect us . And once you give up your rights to a government - any government - it is very hard to get them back . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] Here in America , this beautiful adopted land of mine , we gave up our civil liberties after 9 / 11 through the Patriot Act , another act that was born of fear . Like the Enabling Act , it was supposed to lapse after four years . And like the Enabling Act , it is not going anywhere . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] In Germany , it was the Jews . Now many of us here fear Muslims . I am not saying that America is on the verge of another Hitler . What I am saying , and this is from an old man on his way out who has seen it all and lived it all , what I am saying is this : Come from a place of love not fear . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] I am one hundred and three years old as I speak these words , and I can still get around . I walked to a pawnshop not far from where I live and bought this recorder . It is a cassette recorder . The man in the store told me they were obsolete , so he gave me a good price . I bought it to say just one thing . I have to say it now because tomorrow I will be either in heaven or in hell , I do not know which , but wherever I am , you will not be able to hear my words . So I speak them into this microphone to be placed on a tape , and I pray that someone , someday , somewhere will hear them . Not only hear my words , but also heed them . [ / SIZE ] [ SIZE = 12pt ] This is what I spent the better part of an hour getting to : There is only love and fear . That is all . All negative emotions come from fear ; jealousy , hatred , greed , just to name a few . Fear of not having enough , fear of not being loved enough , fear of someone that is different from us , fear of someone who worships a different God than we do . There is only fear and love . I tell you : Live your life with love . The kind of love a mother has for her child . The kind of love that a man has who jumps in front a bullet to save his friend ; love like Mother Teresa had for the poor of this world . The love that Jesus had when he laid down his life . [ / SIZE ] well , what will it take to cut immigration big time ? ? a Nuclear Bio Chemical attack that effects thousands ? ? that 's not fear , but reality and possibility Welcome to WWII Forums ! You are at a gateway to WWII discussion , research , exploration , & analysis . We directly support the repository at WW2 . ORG , and several other worthwhile projects that add to the historical record . Join in if you dare ! |
Author 's Notes : This story was written as an RPG between my friend Jenna and me . I 'm playing all three of the Kents and she is playing Lex , Chloe , and the ' bad guy ' . This story takes place during season one of Smallivlle , while Lex and Clark are still friends . Clark is 16 and Lex is 24 . Disclaimer : I do not own any of these characters , and I am not making any money from these stories . Warning : Non consensual disciplinary spanking of an adult ( who is mentally a teen ) by an authority figure . Clark walked down the hall wishing his last class were already over so that he could start his weekend . Lex had invited him to go play a game of pool with him over at the mansion , and Clark would much rather be there then in his Social Studies class . He got to class and saw Chloe sitting near the front of the class . He went and sat down in the chair next to her and said , " Is it just me or does it seem like today has been dragging ? " Chloe 's eyes lit up upon seeing Clark , and she smiled stating , " You 're a little late Clark , but not to worry , so is Mr . Anmisty . Strange ; he 's never missed a day . " She shrugged , " It is the last class of the day thankfully , and if he doesn 't show up if fifteen , they 'll let us They watched as Mr . Anmisty walked to the back of the classroom and sat in an empty chair . The students all looked at each other wondering what was going on . Clark and Chloe exchanged confused looks . Clark looked back at Mr . Anmisty and said , " What 's going on Mr . Anmisty ? " Chloe 's eyes arched in confusion taken aback by the harsh way their teacher had just responded to Clark . Mr . Anmisty had always been a bit obnoxious but never all out rude like this . Chloe turned back to face the front of her desk and opened her book as she whispered to Clark , " Okaaaay ow that 's just weird . " ollowing Chloe 's lead , Clark faced the front and opened his book as well , along with quite a few other students . ifteen uncomfortable minutes later they heard Mr . Anmisty ask a student next to him , " Hey Jason , if the teacher doesn 't show up in fifteen minutes we get to leave right ? " Mr . Anmisty left the classroom , and again the students looked at each other wondering what to do . Clark closed his book and turned to Chloe again . " Does that mean we get to leave ? " As he spoke a couple of students from the back got up and headed out the door . Chloe shook her head amazed at what had just transpired . She shrugged , " I guess . As much as I don 't mind the small break from weirdo Mr . Anmisty , something is definitely not right with this picture ! Do you think he 's testing us to see if we will really leave ? " She got out of her seat and walked to the doorway peeking out into the hall . " Nope he 's really long gone . " She turned back to Clark and gave him a quirky smile , " I guess that concludes today 's Social Studies class . I 'm going to go work on my paper , but do you want to come meet me tonight around eight at the Talon ? They 've got two for one espressos ? " Chloe nodded and left . Clark went to his locker , gathered the books he would need for the weekend , and left . He started walking towards home , and once he was alone , he super sped to Lex 's mansion . Once there he knocked on the door . Clark headed to the study to find Lex . He walked in , and saw Lex at the pool table practicing shots . Clark smiled and said , " Hey Lex . " Lex finished taking his shot before glancing up with a wide smile , " Hi yourself Clark . " Lex laid the pool stick on top of the pool table and strode over to the liquor cabinet . He opened it pulling out a vintage bottle of European scotch and taking out two glasses he poured one for each of them . Clark wasn 't sure what to make of that . Lex knew he was sixteen , and while he 'd had drinks in front of Clark on several occasions , he 'd never offered one to Clark . Without taking the offered glass , Clark said with an unsure smile , " No thanks , I 'm underage . " Lex snorted , " Suit yourself ; it 's not stopping me . " With that said he downed both his and Clark 's shot before shaking his head as the bitter harsh taste invaded his senses . He glanced back up at Clark triumphantly like he 'd just gotten away with murder before heading back over to the liquor cabinet to refill his shot glass . He chuckled at Clark pointing to the pool table , " I believe that 's a shot you can take right ? " Lex 's eyebrow furrowed , " Work ? Don 't tell me , let me guess , my dad has been talking to you about me learning the ropes at Luthor Corp ? Did he tell you that he wanted me to start off in the mailroom ? Work my way up from the bottom he says , " Lex scoffed in disbelief as he shot back another glass of scotch before adding , " What a joke . " Lex shook his head in obvious agitation as he poured one more shot before capping the bottle . An idea flashed across his mind as he grinned devilishly at Clark , " Clark , you may not want to drink , but you can dance right ? We should grab one of my dad 's Lamborghini 's and head into Metropolis tonight ; I 've got plenty connections that could get us into a few of the dance clubs down there . No one will ask us for ID and we can slip in through the back . What do you say ? " With that statement , Clark knew there was something very wrong with Lex . Lex had been working at Luthor Corp for a few years now , and was managing the Smallville branch . Clark thought about his teacher and had to wonder if there was some connection . He also wondered how many people were affected , and what had happened to them . Not wanting to make Lex angry or scare him off before he had the chance to figure out what was wrong , Clark decided to go along with it for now while trying to get as much information as he could . He said , " What do I say ? I say my parents would murder me if they found out I went to Metropolis to go to a dance club . I 'd be grounded for the rest of this year . No thanks . " Lex shrugged answering , " Not much . I couldn 't get a hold of many of my friends , and the ones I did were acting all weird . I 'm telling you Clark , I think my dad must be bribing them not to hang out with me . It 's his way of trying to control me . At least he hasn 't gotten to you ; that 's something . That reminds me , " Lex grabbed the bottle of scotch and brought it over to the drink station popping off the top he took one more swig before putting the lip of the bottle under the facet head and adding a little water . He shook the bottle and chuckled , " I swear I think he measures it sometimes . Like he can 't just afford to buy another bottle ? I 'll have Jason order him another one tomorrow before he notices . " Lex feeling slightly inebriated now from the shots stumbled slightly as he grabbed another pool stick off the wall . He walked back across the study to Clark 's side to take the next shot before asking , " So if you don 't want to go out dancing , what do you want to do ? I just want to be anywhere but here ; I 've been here most of the day , and I really don 't want to deal with him when he gets home in a few hours . " Clark seriously doubted that Lionel would be ' home ' in a few hours , since he didn 't live at the mansion with Lex . Between that and Lex trying to hide his alcohol consumption , Clark was pretty sure that Lex thought he was under 21 and probably even under 18 . He immediately had two thoughts . The first one was that he needed to help Lex , because if Lionel or any of the members of Luthorcorp found out that Lex 's mind had been somehow altered , they could take advantage of him . The second was that he needed to talk to Chloe , because with her ' wall of weird ' and her investigative skills , she would be the best candidate to help him solve the problem . His mind raced to think of a way to do both . He said , " Well if you want to get out of here , why don 't you come with me to the farm after the game ? One of our mares had a new colt a couple of days ago , and he 's a lot of fun to watch . And my mom 's making pot roast with home made apple pie for dessert . What do you say ? " Lex smiled in appreciation of the invite , " You know I 'd never pass up your mom 's cooking especially when it includes dessert . " Thinking of the Kent meal to come , Lex grabbed a nice Cuban cigar from the cigar box on the desk to enjoy afterwards . It wasn 't long before the two had finished up their game and headed out in Lex 's Porsche . As they pulled into the Kent farm 's drive , they saw Jonathan working on one of his tractors . Both of them waved , and Jonathan returned the gesture . Lex turned the car off stepping out and taking in a deep breath . He always loved coming out to Clark 's house . For some reason everything just seemed right . He turned to Clark giving him a broad grin , " So where 's this newborn colt you 've been bragging about ? " Clark started walking to the barn and Lex followed . The mare and colt were in a stall together , and the colt was drinking some milk from his mother . Clark smiled and turned to Lex , " Looks like he 's occupied right now . But as soon as he 's done , he 'll come over to see who you are and get acquainted . I 'm gonna go put my backpack away and let my mom know you 're here for dinner . I 'll be right back . " " Yeah . " Clark and Jonathan walked quickly into the house together . Martha was in the kitchen cutting vegetables . She smiled and said , " Hi sweetheart ; how was your visit with Lex ? " Martha walked over and put a hand on Jonathan 's arm and said , " Let him finish before you get upset . " Giving his mom a grateful look Clark said , " He knows I 'm sixteen , and he 's never offered me alcohol before , so I reminded him that I was underage and said no thanks . But the odd part is that he seemed to think that he was underage too . He had some shots and then put some water in the scotch to fill it back up to the same level as before and mentioned his father monitoring it . Then he wanted to go to a club in Metropolis and said something about the fact that neither one of us would need fake ID 's because he knew someone who would let us in the back . And then he said he wanted to get out of the house because he knew his dad would be home soon and wanted to avoid him . Lionel doesn 't even live there . " Looking away Clark said , " Um . . . four I think , maybe five . I was in the front seat with him . If I needed to I could have grabbed the wheel . I was watching the road . " " Lex has always been a good friend to me Dad . The point I 'm trying to make is that today was different then usual . He would never be acting this way if he were himself . That 's why we need to help him . " " Lex has been a good friend to Clark , and we should help him out . Don 't get me wrong , I don 't think Clark should have let him drive over here after drinking , but I do think we should help him . We need to keep him here until we find out what is wrong , and if there is a way to fix it . " Martha looked up at her husband and said , " Believe it , because we 're going to help him . From everything we 've heard Lex had a very lonely and unhappy childhood . Now he thinks he 's back in that childhood , and he 's acting out the same way he did back then . But with a positive influence like Clark and some positive activities to focus his energy into , he 'll be just fine . " " Because today in my last class , my teacher was acting very strange , and now I think it must be connected . He came into the class , and sat in the back row . Then after fifteen minutes was up , he got up and left saying something about no teacher showing up . Maybe Chloe can find a connection between the two of them . " Clark said , " So Chloe and I will look for a connection between all three of them , and try to find out if more people are acting odd . But what if it takes us a few days ? We can 't let Lex go home the way he is . " Martha smiled at him and gave him a kiss on the cheek for agreeing to help Lex . Clark said , " Thanks Dad . But I 'm not sure how we 're going to get him to stay . He 's going to want to go home after dinner . " Martha patted Clark 's shoulder and said , " Leave that to me . I 'll go talk to Lex , and when I 'm done you can tell him you forgot a book at school . That will give you time to go talk to Chloe before dinner . " Lex had watched the colt feed enjoying the stillness the country offered . It was nice to get away from the mansion ; he hated all the feelings that hung over his head when he was in its vicinity . His father was quick to point out any and all short comings Lex possessed . There really was no pleasing the man , and Lex felt he 'd never escape his shadow . He was glad Clark had invited him out for dinner . In all honesty , he really didn 't want to go out drinking at the clubs tonight anyway . It just seemed to be what all the other kids wanted to do , with the fact that his family had such notoriety ; Lex would often use his status as an excuse to buy friendship . He didn 't need to buy Clark though . He was a good friend ; a true friend . Lex wished he had more friends of his caliber . Thinking of Clark , Lex looked down at his watch . He had been gone a good fifteen minutes . He was about to start walking up to the house when he saw Martha round the corner with her usual warm smile . He smiled back greeting her , " Afternoon Mrs . Kent . " Martha walked up next to Lex and leaned on the stall gate right beside him . She said , " Hi Lex , it 's nice to see you . Clark tells me you 're going to stay for dinner . I hope you like pot roast . " Smiling Martha said , " That 's sweet of you to say . It 's not a burden to have another mouth to feed , even if you are a growing boy like Clark . I swear you 've both gotten taller in the past month . How old are you again ? If either one of you grow much more , I 'm going to get a crick in my neck just looking up at you . " Lex beamed proudly , " Well , I 'll be seventeen in just two months . That reminds me , I was thinking of going to Europe for the weekend of my birthday . The invitation extends to Clark and you two if you can make it . " Lex wanted to show his appreciation for how nice the family had always been to him , and he figured Clark would make his birthday a lot more fun than taking the trip by himself . Lionel most certainly wouldn 't come , not that he really wanted him there anyway . Lex would be surprised if his dad even remembered his birthday . Last year he 'd forgotten and hadn 't remembered until a week later when one of the maids that had been on vacation wished him a happy birthday when she 'd returned to the household . As the thought crossed his mind he stared back at the colt a small frown playing across his face before he pushed the memory away and turned back to face Martha with a smile . Martha didn 't find it hard to picture Lex at sixteen ; that was less then ten years ago , and she 'd seen pictures of him in newspapers now and then as he was growing up . She felt a rush of sympathy for him , as she realized he was making his own plans for his birthday because no one was around to make them for him . She put an arm around his shoulders and said , " Europe sounds pretty far for us to travel , but we would love to celebrate your birthday with you before you go or when you get back . We could have a picnic all together out by the lake . Maybe do some swimming . " The colt , interested in the noises coming from the gate went over and stuck his nose between the slats and sniffed at them . Martha squeezed Lex 's shoulder and said , " I came out here to ask you a favor . We 're going to be doing some planting this weekend , and it would really help us out to have an extra pair of hands . Would you be willing to stay with us for the weekend and help out ? Oh , and it includes all the home cooked meals you can eat . " Lex answered , " I 'd be more than happy to help you guys out . " Thinking that he didn 't want to run into his father at the mansion he added , " I 'll just head back to the mansion right quick and pack a bag . It shouldn 't take me more than half an hour to get there and back . Do you think dinner will be done before then ? " Giving Lex a small frown , Martha turned him towards her and put both hands on his shoulders . She looked him in the eyes and said , " Do you really think driving is the best idea right now ? Maybe there 's someone at the mansion could pack a bag for you and bring it over . " Then as an after thought she added , " And leave a note for your father letting him know where you are . " Lex couldn 't help letting an eye roll escape at Martha 's scolding before giving her a quirky smile responding , " I 'm really okay to drive Mrs . Kent ; but if it 'll make you feel better , I guess I could call Louisa and ask her to send a bag over with Gary before he leaves in an hour . I 'll give Gary a note to give my dad ; I 'm sure he 'll be just thrilled to have me out of the mansion all weekend so he can entertain his crusty socialite friends in peace . " He shook his head embarrassed that Martha knew about him drinking and driving . He hated to feel he 'd disappointed her as he added , " I can 't believe Clark told you I was drinking ! You 're not going to tell my dad about the alcohol bit are you ? " Martha smiled at him and patted his shoulder in approval . " I think having Gary bring your things over is a very good idea . " She started walking towards the house and Lex followed as she continued , " As for Clark telling us about the drinking . . . well Clark is just a very honest person by nature , and can 't help himself sometimes . I hope you don 't hold it against him . I have no intention of telling your father about it , and neither does Mr . Kent . " " Thanks , " Lex said as he breathed a sigh of relief knowing that the Kent 's would keep his secret . His father had often times threatened sending him to military school to straighten him up . And although he doubted Lionel really would send him off ; he didn 't want to push the matter . Lex followed Martha back into the kitchen asking for a pen and paper to write his dad a note before heading over to the phone to call Louisa to ask her to send Gary over with a bag of personals . While Lex was writing the note , Martha smiled and said in a voice loud enough for Lex to overhear , " Lex agreed to stay the weekend and help us with the planting . " Then while Lex was on the phone , Martha whispered to both Jonathan and Clark that Lex thought he was sixteen . Clark found it hard to wrap his head around the idea that Lex thought he was the same age as him . Once Lex was off the phone , Clark looked in his backpack and said , " Darn it , I forgot my Geometry book . I 'm going to have to go back to school and get it before they lock the doors for the weekend . " Turning to Lex , Clark said , " I 'm glad you 'll be here for the weekend , should be fun even with the work . I was going to say we could play some basketball after dinner tonight , but looks like I 'm gonna be busy . Maybe tomorrow night instead . " Lex nodded in agreement , " That sounds great Clark . And Mr . Kent , I couldn 't help over hearing Clark needed to do some chores . Gary will be by in about a half an hour with my stuff , and I 'd be more than happy to change and help out any way I can . " Jonathan gave Lex a nod and a genuine smile . " That 's very nice of you to offer Lex . Once you get changed , come on out to the barn and I 'll show you what needs to be done . " Clark was surprised , but also pleased that Lex had offered . Clark thought that teenage Lex probably let his guard down a little more often then adult Lex did , and hoped that Jonathan would finally be able to see the person Clark was friends with , instead of only seeing Lionel 's billionaire son . Clark said , " Are you sure Lex ? You don 't have to if you don 't want to . " Clark took the keys and headed out . Knowing that he would lose time by driving the truck , he only drove it a couple of miles away and parked it off to the side of the road . He locked it up , and ran to find Chloe . He went to the school first and went to see if she was in the newspaper room . Not finding her , Clark went to the Talon to see if she was there . He found her sipping a coffee and doing some homework . He walked over , sat next to her and said , " I need your help . " Chloe glanced up from sipping her coffee to see Clark staring down at her asking for her help . She set her cup down responding with a smile , " Well , you 're in luck , I just finished the last of my homework . What 's up ? " " When I went to see Lex today , he was acting very strange , and the more I talked to him the more I realized something was wrong . You may find this hard to believe , but Lex thinks he 's sixteen . And then I got to thinking about Mr . Amnisty today , and wondered if there was a connection . " Chloe listened , letting the facts sink in before replying , " Another case for the wall of weird I 'm thinking . I guess the first thing we need to do is find out who in all were affected by this , and why a meteor freak would be going after them o offense Clark , but your buddy Lex has way too many enemies , so we might want to try to talk to Mr . Amnisty first . " " Unfortunately I agree . My mom said she saw Mr . Peterson in the store today and that he was acting strange too , bagging groceries instead of trying to run the store . Have you seen anyone else acting strange today ? " Chloe 's eyes rolled to the ceiling as she went over her day before answering , " Well , coach Gerard was acting kind of weird today , of course he 's always kind of weird . I really didn 't think anything of it when he got on the track to do our run with us , and when he left shortly after , without saying anything to any of us I thought he had just gotten sick or something . Do you think it could be related ? " " Sounds like it . Now , how do we find a connection between all of them ? Two of them are teachers , so maybe a student is getting revenge for something ? But that doesn 't explain Mr . Peterson or Lex . Maybe they 're all connected through another teacher , or one of the school board members . You 're the investigator . What 's our next step ? " " Okay , I 'll be waiting to hear from you . Let me know if there 's any leg work you want me to do too . I think I 'm going to take a quick look around the town . See if anyone is acting unusual . I 'll give you a call if I find anything . " Jonathan walked to the barn with Lex following . He said , " The chore that takes Clark the longest is mucking out the stalls . We have some shovels over here , and a wheelbarrow here . You shovel up the horse manure and any hay that it 's touching and load it into the wheelbarrow . Once you have a full load , come get me and I 'll show you where to take it . Then after that we 'll put new hay down for them , and refill their water buckets . Think you can handle that while I finish up on the tractor ? " Quicker then Jonathan was expecting , Lex had a load of horse manure to empty . He showed Lex where to dump it and watched him go back into the barn to do some more work . Jonathan couldn 't help but be impressed with the willingness to do some physical labor . He wouldn 't have expected it from Lex , but then he shook his head and realized he had a lot of preconceived notions about who Lex was without ever really getting to know him . Maybe his wife and son were right , and they should be helping Lex out . He went back to the tractor , hoping to finish it before dinner was done . Lex bustled through the chore of mucking out the stalls and throwing all the hay down , and once finished he took his gloves off reaching into his pocket to wipe the sweat off his brow . As he pulled the rag out of his pocket , his Cuban cigar followed bouncing out of his pocket and on to the barn floor . Lex bent to pick it up , deciding since he already had his gloves off and was taking a break now anyway , he might as well enjoy a few pulls off of his cigar . After finishing the repairs to the tractor Jonathan decided to go see how Lex was doing . He had seen Lex take a few trips out of the barn , and knew he 'd been working hard . Jonathan planned to offer Lex some iced tea and let him relax a few minutes before dinner , but the sight that greeted him in the barn took those thoughts out of his head . Lex was standing in the middle of the barn lighting a cigar . Jonathan walked up to Lex with anger clearly written on his face , snatched the cigar out of Lex 's mouth , and yelled , " Are you crazy ? ! You don 't smoke in a barn ! Did you want to catch the hay on fire and watch the animals panic ? ! " Lex 's jaw dropped in surprise at Jonathan 's reaction . He really hadn 't thought about the fact a fire could be caused by his smoking in the barn . But the shock was quickly replaced by irritation at the thought of how Jonathan had snatched his cigar out of his mouth . He expressed his anger quickly , " You just destroyed my really fine cigar ! " Realizing he was in the wrong he added sheepishly , " I wasn 't trying to burn your barn down , I just wasn 't thinking straight . Sorry . " After Lex yelled , Jonathan 's first thought was to tell him to get off his property . But before he could voice that , Lex apologized , and Jonathan took a second to think about it . He looked at the man in front of him and tried to imagine what he would say to Clark or Pete in the same situation . He crossed his arms and said with a new found calm , " I 'm sorry too , I didn 't mean to fly off the handle like that ; it just startled me to see you smoking so close to the hay . I know you would never intentionally try to burn down the barn , and I accept your apology . But . . . " Jonathan held up the cigar for Lex to see " . . . you shouldn 't be smoking these at all . In fact you shouldn 't be smoking anything at your age . I don 't want to see you smoking again while you 're staying here . " Lex could hear the disappointment in Jonathan 's voice , and his eyes fell to the ground as he nodded his compliance . Lex was really embarrassed and felt pretty foolish for yelling at Jonathan and making such a mistake , and so he responded , " I 'm a real jerk for yelling at you like that Mr . Kent , and for that , I 'm even more sorry . I should just probably go . " ex leaned over picking his gloves up off the ground to hand them back to Jonathan before going to grab his things and head home . Jonathan didn 't take the offered gloves . Instead he put a hand on Lex 's shoulder and said in all honesty , " I don 't think you 're a jerk , and I don 't think you should leave . Everyone makes mistakes sometimes . You 're still Clark 's friend , and we would still appreciate your help this weekend . I 'm impressed with how hard you 've been working , and how much you 've gotten done already . How about we put this incident behind us , and start over again ? " Lex was surprised at how forgiving Clark 's dad was , and that made him smile inwardly and outwardly as he answered , " Thanks . That sounds great Mr . Kent . Are there any other chores that need to be done tonight ? " Jonathan smiled as well and patted Lex once before letting his hand drop . He answered , " Everything else can wait for tomorrow . I think it 's time for a break . Dinner should be ready soon . " At that same moment Clark showed up in the doorway of the barn and said with a smile , " Looks like my timing is perfect . Chores are done and dinner 's almost ready . I should invite you over more often Lex . " When Lex went to take a shower , Clark told Martha and Jonathan about his conversation with Chloe . Once he was done , Martha said , " Let 's see if Lex can remember what happened to him today . Maybe someone he came in contact with did this to him " Lex 's eyes rose from carving his pot roast , thinking over why he hadn 't gone to school today . The more he thought about it , the more confused he became . The last thought he did remember was walking out of the Talon with a cup of coffee around eleven in the morning . He assumed that he must have skipped today for some reason , but he didn 't want to say that in front of the Kent 's as he responded , " I kind of slept in , so I missed class today . " " Were you feeling sick ? " Martha asked with concern . Martha and Jonathan exchanged a look , not quite knowing what to say . It seemed wrong to berate someone for not being in school when they didn 't belong there in the first place . After a few seconds Martha asked , " Did you go somewhere else ? Visit with friends ? " Then Clark remembered that Chloe was wondering if there was any connection between the people who had been affected , so he decided to mention his teacher 's name . He kept an eye on Lex to see his reaction as he said , " Actually something kind of strange happened . Mr . Amnisty didn 't teach us anything . He just came in , ignored us all , and then left before time was up . Strange right ? " Lex chewed slowly needing a moment to digest Clark 's words . Could Clark 's teacher be Tom Amnisty 's father ? The reminder of that name made him blush slightly . He remembered Tom all too well ; what he and the others , Tom Amnisty , Jamie Peterson , Matt Grading and Larry Kingston had done . Poor James Marshall had been their selected target ; he was the ' so called ' weakest link . What they had done was wrong ; it had been a joke , a cruel one , but a joke none the less . Lex shook his head slightly as he quickly swallowed a drink of Martha 's homemade lemonade to gulp down the memory as well as the food . Martha , Jonathan , and Clark could all tell that Lex recognized the name . Jonathan said , " That is strange . Are you okay Lex ? You look a little green around the gills . " Lex glanced up from his plate surprised by the question before smiling sheepishly remarking , " Oh , no . I 'm fine . I was just thinking about missing class today ; I need to get a hold of one of my classmates to get my homework for Monday . " Lex was relieved by Clark 's question , happy to be talking about anything else that wasn 't his day ! He grinned responding , " That sounds great Clark ; after all I 've eaten for dinner , the exercise will help me work up an appetite for pie . " After they had all finished dinner and were rising from the table Lex asked , " Before we go out to play basketball ; do you need any help with the dishes and clean up Mrs . Kent ? " The rest of the evening went well . Clark and Lex played some basketball , and once that was done , everyone had some pie . When it was time for bed , Jonathan got a small cot from out of the closet and set it up in Clark 's room for Lex . The next morning all four of them worked hard until lunch time . During lunch the phone rang . Clark answered and heard Chloe on the other end . He said , " Hi Chloe , what 's up ? " He looked at Lex and said , " I 'm sorry I keep running off when you 're staying over . I just need to . . . help Chloe with an article for the paper . It shouldn 't take more then an hour . " Smiling Clark said , " Thanks for understanding . " Clark started out the door and Jonathan cleared his throat . Clark turned to him with a questioning look . Jonathan said , " Don 't you want the keys to the truck ? " " Oh . Right . " Jonathan handed them over , and Clark left . Once Clark was out the door Martha said , " I can 't believe how fast the planting went with all four of us working . " She turned to Lex and said , " Since we 're done , would you be interested in learning to ride a horse ? We could all go on a short ride while Clark 's gone . " Lex grinned ; it had been a couple years since he 'd ridden , but he had always loved it . His mother was very fond of horses , and the reminder of her happiness was always a welcome feeling . Lex chuckled responding , " I have to be honest ; that sounds like a lot more fun activity than planting . " Lex followed Jonathan into the barn and even though he knew how to saddle a horse , he let Jonathan instruct him . Lex found himself wishing that the Kent 's were his family . Why did he have to live with Lionel in that cold mansion where he spent most of his time alone contemplating the world ? Clark was never alone . The Kent 's were good wholesome people that believed in family , and Lex realized that he was just happy to be able to be treated as one of their family even if it was only for a weekend . Martha came out about the same time the horses were ready to go . She got on her horse and listened while Jonathan went over the basics of riding with Lex . Once Jonathan was done he said , " Are you ready to get on and give it a try ? " The surprise was evident on Martha 's face . It quickly changed to a smile and finally a laugh . She turned to Jonathan who still looked surprised and said , " Well that 's what we get for making assumptions . " Lex kept up easily matching Jonathan 's horse 's stride . The ride was exhilarating , and it got him thinking of the Kent 's young stud , Lightening . Now that horse would give him a challenge ! The three rode out to the lake , and got off to stretch their legs and let the horses drink and graze while they enjoyed the scenery . Smiling Jonathan said , " Your riding abilities are impressive . I wouldn 't have expected it out of you , but you 've obviously spent some time on the saddle , and know what you 're doing . But Lightening isn 't broken in yet . It 's going to take some time before anyone can ride him like this . " She pointed to the screen ; it was a webpage that displayed kayaking teens . The logo read Camp Blanfield . Once Clark had had a moment to look at the page she responded , " All three of our resident adult to teens attended this camp about ten years ago . And what 's even more interesting is the fact that these particular three stayed in one cabin with three other kids . Now I got the names of the other kids , and I was able to contact two of the three missing links . They live out of state , and seem to have no issues other than extreme rudeness . The last kid , James Marshall , graduated here at Smallville high . But then I dead - ended . He just kind of dropped off the map . Do you think you can grill Lex for some info on this guy ? " Clark was impressed , " Ten years ago and you found out all this information ? I 'll ask Lex about James Marshall when I get home , and I 'll let you know what he has to say about the whole thing . " He gave her a smile and said , " Great investigative work Chloe . What would I do without you ? " Chloe beamed proudly as she responded , " Oh , I don 't know , the world might fall apart . " She winked jovially . " I 'll keep looking for any clues to the whereabouts of our mystery man , and you , give me a call tomorrow and let me know what you find out . " As Clark headed back to the farm he thought about how to get the information out of Lex . He decided Lex might be more open about what he knew if Clark brought it up to him when they were alone , instead of in front of his parents . When he got home , he saw that Lex and his folks had just gotten back from a ride . They all looked fairly happy , and Clark was glad to know that they were all able to get along , especially Jonathan and Lex . Clark tried to find time alone with Lex , but as soon as the horses were unsaddled and rubbed down , it was time for chores and dinner . Then after dinner his mom talked them all into playing a game of Monopoly even though Clark tried to talk her out of it . Clark was finally alone with Lex when they were both in Clark 's room going to sleep for the night , with Lex on the cot again . A few minutes after laying down Clark said , " Lex , are you awake ? " Lex was on the verge of drifting off to sleep when he heard Clark ask him if he were awake . He responded groggily , " Mmm ? Yea Clark , I 'm awake ; what 's up ? " " Remember I told you my teacher was acting odd on Friday ? Chloe is investigating it , and she found out that you know him . . . " Clark realized as he said it , that sixteen year old Lex , couldn 't have gone to camp with a teacher , so he said , " . . . well his son anyway . You went to camp with his son . She was looking up all the people who shared a cabin with you , just out of curiosity , and she found all of them except one . James Marshall seems to have gone off the radar . Do you know him still ? " Lex grew quiet thinking about the name . He didn 't need time to recall who he was ; that was easy . What wasn 't easy was the guilt he felt recalling the name again . Twice in one weekend that memory had pushed its way to the surface . Finally Lex responded , " Yea , I know James . He lives out by the school , by the post office I think . He 's a bit of a loner . Me and some of the other kids teased him a little back at camp . " Clark wondered if James could have a hand in what was going on with the others . He said , " You guys teased him ? Really ? I have a hard time picturing you being mean . " Lex was glad the room was dark and Clark couldn 't see his face , feeling it flush in embarrassment ; he was sure Clark would have noticed if he could have seen him . He didn 't want to really discuss James because he was ashamed of his behavior , and he didn 't want Clark to view him as a bully . The prank was meant to be harmless , but it hadn 't been harmless , and poor James had walked away with the emotional scars . Lex took a moment thinking over how he could respond to the question Clark had posed . He replied hesitantly , " I didn 't picture myself being that mean either ; it 's no one 's fault but my own , but I really wish I hadn 't let other people 's actions influence me to join in on something I normally wouldn 't have done . " Clark didn 't like the sound of that , and thought it was likely that James was somehow involved in what was going on . He wanted to get as much information as possible out of Lex , hoping it would help him track down James tomorrow . " What did you guys do to him ? " he asked . Lex shook his head unwilling to delve into this topic any further , " We were real jerks Clark ; it 's not something I 'm proud of , but it happened last year at camp ; there 's nothing I can do about it now , and there 's no use in crying over spilled milk . " Lex gave a fake yawn and added , " Aren 't you tired ? I 'm pretty beat , and it 's going to be a long day tomorrow . We really should get some sleep don 't you think ? " Clark could tell Lex wanted to avoid the subject , and decided to let him sleep on it . He thought that if he gave Lex a little time to adjust to the idea of talking about it , maybe he 'd be more forthcoming in the morning . He 'd ask about it again tomorrow before going to see if James ' parents knew where he was living now . " Yeah , I guess I am pretty tired . Night Lex . " Clark rolled over and closed his eyes , falling asleep quickly . Lex closed his eyes , but his thoughts kept drifting back over the conversation Clark and he had had . He drifted on and off for a couple hours before deciding maybe a walk would help him clear his mind . He dressed and crept down the steps as quietly as he could ; the whole house was dark and Lex had bumped into the couch stubbing his toe on the way out . He let out a muffled curse hopping over to the door . He paused listening to see if anyone had heard him , but he didn 't sense any movement coming from upstairs . Feeling secure in his aloneness , he exited the house and walked out into the driveway . Crickets and frogs made their own symphony and the stars were shining brightly . It really was another world out here Lex thought to himself as he loafed across the driveway towards the barn . The barn doors were open on both sides and Lightening 's head bobbed over the stall door to grasp stray bits of straw almost out of the horse 's reach . Lex meandered up to the stallion and patted him on the neck . The horse 's neck rippled and he let out a snort . Lex smiled at the beautiful animal thinking to himself that he was competent enough to ride this horse , and why shouldn 't he be given the chance ? He knew where the saddles and other gear were kept , and he could just take Lightening out to the side pasture for a quick ride . No one would ever know . Lex was able to saddle up Lightening pretty quickly and was growing more excited about the prospect of riding the spirited horse . He led the horse over to the pasture and once the two were inside the gate , he mounted Lightening . The stallion 's demeanor instantly changed from docile to irate , and he bolted into a run . Lex 's eyes went wide as he clung to the horse for dear life . Lightening ran 100 yards across the field before whipping back with a shrill whinny and kicking his front legs into the air . Lex was doing well hanging on up until this point and felt his legs slide as he lost his grip . Lightening lunged forward and bucked his hind legs into the air successfully dislodging Lex from his back . Lex thudded to the ground with a muffled grunt as Lightening jetted across the pasture in a hearty gallop . Lex rolled on his side with a groan . Thankfully the horse had not stepped on him in its mad dash to get away . He shook his head in dismay as he rose off the ground and dusted himself off . Jonathan woke from a deep sleep feeling like something was wrong . He looked over at his wife , and saw that she was sleeping peacefully . He looked over at the little alarm clock on his nightstand , and the digital display glowed 1 : 32 at him . His brow furrowed in a frown . He knew his farm inside and out , and something still felt wrong . Then he heard a soft noise coming from the open window . He moved the covers back and got out of bed as quietly as possible so he wouldn 't wake up Martha . At the window he couldn 't believe the sight that greeted him down in the field under the moonlight . There was Lex getting up on a saddled Lightening . Jonathan didn 't have time to even yell out a warning as Lightning shot across the field . He turned away from the window , grabbed his work jeans off the floor , and slipped them on over his boxers without bothering to zip them or fasten the belt after snapping the top button . He quickly made his way to the front door , shoved his bare feet into his boots on the porch , and ran towards the field . He saw Lightening running , but Lex wasn 't on him anymore . Jonathan sent up a quick hopeful prayer that Lex hadn 't been trampled or seriously damaged from the throw , and ran in the direction Lightening was running away from . Before he got half way across the field he saw Lex standing up and brushing himself off . He didn 't look seriously damaged , and for that Jonathan was grateful . He stopped running , and walked quickly towards Lex , getting angrier with each step . Hadn 't Lex asked him to ride ? Hadn 't he told him no ? What had Lex been thinking ? Jonathan 's fists balled up , and thoughts of punching the man went through his mind . As soon as that thought went through his head , Jonathan shook it once and told himself that Lex thought he was sixteen . He knew how he 'd handle the situation if it were Pete out here instead of Lex , and thought that would work just as well if not better , since he 'd always thought Lex was in need of some discipline . Jonathan could see the shock and worry in Lex 's face once he got close enough , and as he walked closer Jonathan called out , " What the hell do you think you were doing ? " Lex saw Jonathan coming , but was dumbfounded as to how to answer his question . He looked from Jonathan to the ground and mumbled , " I just , " he shook his head embarrassed that he had put himself in such a position . e took in a deep breath before continuing , " I just had a lot on my mind and I went for a walk out in the barn Li htening just seemed so calm at the time , so I thought I could handle riding him I k ow I shouldn 't have done it . I 'm really sorry Mr . Kent . " By the time Lex answered , Jonathan was beside him . He grabbed his upper arm and gave it a light shake as he said , " You could have gotten killed . Lightening could have stepped on you after kicking you off . What did I tell you when you asked me if you could ride him ? " Lex blinked wide eyed at Jonathan 's words . He was right of course , and Lex knew what he had done was reckless and stupid . He muttered out a quiet , " You said ot to because he wasn 't broken yet . t was really dumb of me ; I really don 't know what I was thinking . " Jonathan said , " Go wait for me in the barn while I get Lightening calmed down enough to come in . Then after you 've unsaddled him , you and I are going to go over some rules that you need to follow while you 're staying here . " Jonathan gave him a hard swat to get him moving in the direction of the barn , and headed off to get Lightening . Lex was stunned by the stinging slap and found himself moving a little more quickly in the direction of the barn as he thought , ' What is wrong with me ? I just can 't seem to stop messing up . " He was surprised that Jonathan hadn 't told him to get out right then and there . It took a few minutes to even get close to Lightening , but Jonathan had been talking to the horse every day for a month , and Jonathan was familiar to him . Once Jonathan got a hold of Lightening 's reigns , the stud horse was willing to go back to his stall . He led Lightening into the barn where Lex was waiting . Lex opened the door to Lightening 's stall , and Jonathan walked him in . He looked over at Lex and said , " Unsaddle him while I make sure he doesn 't have any damage . " Lex silently complied feeling he 'd caused enough harm for one day . Once finished with the task of unsaddling Lightening , he wearily walked out of the stall closing and latching the door closed behind him as he exited . He looked up at Jonathan with a clear expression of regret plastered across his face as he offered , " I know saying I 'm sorry isn 't going to make this all go away , but I did want you to know that I never meant to disrespect you or your property Mr . Kent . " Taking a deep breath Jonathan moved his hand down to Lex 's upper arm and got a tighter grip as he said , " While you 're staying with us , you 're going to have to follow the same rules that Clark does , and the number one rule is obeying both me and Mrs . Kent . When I tell you no I mean it , and putting yourself in danger while defying me is completely unacceptable . Trying to ride Lightening could have ended up killing you Lex . I 'm going to punish you for it to make sure it doesn 't happen again . " Lex gasped in shock as the suddenness that Jonathan had thrown him over his knee and was currently blistering his bottom . His shock turned to anger as he squirmed to get away and shouted , " What do you think you 're doing ! You can 't spank me like some little kid ! I 'm sixteen damn it ! " Jonathan 's grip around Lex 's waist got tighter as he tried to hold him in place . He kept swatting and said , " I can , and I am . And if you keep trying to squirm away from me , things are going to get worse for you . " Lex squalled out , " Worse ? ! How the hell could things get any worse ! Let me go this instant ! " He bucked and twisted in a renewed effort to evade the stinging blows to no avail . He hadn 't really realized just how strong Jonathan was until this point . Jonathan 's grasp was firm , but he knew with Lex struggling so much he 'd get loose before the spanking was done . Moving as quickly as possible Jonathan stood Lex up , turned and sat himself down on the bail of hay , and pulled Lex face down over his left leg again . Once Lex was over his knee , Jonathan put his right leg over both of Lex 's legs to keep them in place . He reached under Lex 's stomach and undid the button of his jeans before pulling the jeans and underwear down with one quick yank , and then started spanking again . Lex let out an indignant yelp as Jonathan 's callused hand reigned down painfully on his now bared ass . Jonathan was right , this was worse , and try as he might , he wasn 't going anywhere . Lex 's body collapsed over Jonathan 's knee unable to fight anymore as he begged , " Please Mr . Kent stop ! " onathan could hear the change in Lex 's tone , and knew he was ready to listen to what he had to say . e paused for a second so that Lex could hear him and said , " Riding Lightening was dangerous . want you to promise me that it 's not going to happen again . " Lex let Jonathan 's words sink in as he nodded his compliance and replied softly , " I know it was dangerous and I won 't . promise . " his whole situation was surreal to Lex . is father had never spanked him ; he never cared enough to put that much effort forth , but Clark 's dad did . onathan cared about his well being enough to make sure Lex knew what he did was dangerous , and that fact alone brought tears to prick Lex 's eyes . e had disappointed Jonathan enough to make the man feel the need to physically correct his behavior for Lex 's own good , which served to embarrass Lex even more than the actual spanking itself . Good . hen we 're almost done here . " onathan gave Lex ten more hard swats and said , " Now I want to hear some kind of guarantee that you 're going to obey me and Mrs . Kent while you 're staying with us . " Lex couldn 't help choking back a sob at the prospect that the spanking was not over , and as each hard hit fell the tears poured down until they were uncontrollable . Lex was glad that Jonathan had stopped spanking him and hastily agreed through streaming tears , " I swear ! I 'll listen ! I 'm sorry ! I 'm sorry ! " Lex was relieved when Jonathan announced the end of the spanking . Jonathan helped him stand up to regain his balance , and although extremely embarrassed by the event , he couldn 't help whining out a small , " Ow , " as he rubbed his very sore bottom vigorously . Lex glanced back up at Jonathan fearing that he would see a look of disgust or anger on the man 's face , but no traces of either emotion could be found . He returned his gaze to the floor wiping his tear streaked face on his sleeve as he stated sheepishly , " Thanks for letting me stay after everything I 've done lately . " In the past Jonathan had disliked Lex on more then one occasion , but over the past two days he 'd seen a different side of Lex , and he 'd decided his first impressions had been wrong . Now seeing Lex with tears on his face and rubbing at his bottom , Jonathan could picture him as even younger then sixteen . He pulled Lex into a hug and said , " Thanks for wanting to stay . You 've been a lot of help to us over the past couple of days , and I 've been impressed with both your willingness to work , and with the quality of your work . From everything Clark tells me , you 've been a really good friend to him too . So you can stay with us anytime you like . " Lex 's body tensed at the hug not used to this type of human contact before relaxing and hugging back . It felt good on many levels to have a man like Jonathan say that he wanted him to stay as well as him thinking highly of his work ethic . That combined with the hug made fresh tears spill down his cheeks his emotions a bit ragged still . He muttered a soft , " Thanks , " before pulling out of the hug . He looked back up at Jonathan his brow creased with sudden worry as he asked , " You 're not going to tell Clark and Mrs . Kent about this are you ? " " No I 'm not going to tell anyone . This is between you and me . " Jonathan said reassuringly . Then he patted Lex 's shoulder and said , " I don 't know about you , but I 'm bushed . How about we go in and try to get some more sleep before we have to get up and start today ? " Lex visibly relaxed nodding his agreement , " Thanks Mr . Kent . " The two walked back to the house and were back in their prospective rooms within minutes . Lex was happy he was able to slip back in bed without Clark waking up . He crawled under his sheets to lie on his stomach since his ass still throbbed . He had a lot to think about considering this most recent event , but by this point he was so exhausted sleep overtook him quite readily . Clark woke early and looked over at Lex who was still asleep . He got up quietly and went to take a shower . As he was showering , he thought about the information Chloe and Lex had both given him yesterday . He also thought about his plans for the day . He wanted to try and talk to Lex one more time before he went to see Chloe . He hoped that Lex would be more willing to talk about what had happened at the camp if Clark gave him a slightly altered version of his worries . Once he was dressed and ready for the day he went back into his room . He sat on his bed and said , " Hey Lex , wake up . It 's morning . " Lex blinked still groggy as he mumbled , " Wha ? h hey Clark is it that time already ? " H groaned rolling onto his side and propping himself up on his elbow . Clark smiled , " Yeah , morning is probably a lot earlier on the farm then you 're used to . " He got serious and said , " Yesterday when I went to visit Chloe , she had a theory about James . I didn 't tell you about it , because I didn 't want to worry you . But I need as much information as possible , so I 'm telling you now . We think James may be trying to get revenge for whatever happened to him at camp . " Lex looked down at the blanket taking in a deep breath before looking back up at Clark 's serious expression , " You want to know what happened ? Okay ames J mes was a loner , he was kind of on the puny side , you know hadn 't quite hit a growth spurt yet and all , and we teased him and we wouldn 't let him play any games because he was kind of clumsy and whined a lot . " Lex trailed off lowering his eyes uncomfortable with telling the worst part of the story . Whi e that didn 't sound nice , it didn 't sound like something someone would want revenge for either . Cla k said , " And ? " Lex let a moment of silence hang between them before continuing , " We used to call him a whiny little baby because he also sucked his thumb . As a joke our cabin put a teddy bear under his arm and stuck his hand in warm water . He wet himself , and Jamie Peterson took pictures of it . " Lex shook his head embarrassed he 'd been apart of James ' humiliation but he continued to tell Clark the rest of the story , " That wasn 't even the worst part amie didn 't just keep the joke between us ; he went around showing the pictures to everyone in camp . he next day was parent 's day and the rumor mill had spread through the whole camp . I m sure I don 't have to tell you how cruel kids can be the fact that James had wet himself got back to his parents right in the middle of the camp 's family luncheon . Ev ryone laughed , and poor James ran off . Hi parents had James ' things packed up before the luncheon had ended and took him home . Th t was the last time I really saw him . It was horrible Clark , I feel so bad about what we did , but it 's not something you can just say ' I 'm sorry ' for you know ? " Clark wasn 't sure what to say . It was horrible all right , and Clark had a very hard time picturing Lex going along with something so cruel . Clark knew for a fact that if he had been in the same situation he would have stopped it . But then he also believed that if he had been there with Lex and stood up to the other kids , Lex would have backed him up . He looked away from Lex and said , " Thanks for telling me . " Lex nodded , embarrassed that Clark had to give him the good advice he already knew , but he didn 't know how to go about making up for such a slighting . Choosing to avoid responding to Clark 's comment he only replied , " I guess I 'll go grab a shower and meet you down stairs . " He rolled onto his ass and winced slightly . He 'd forgotten for the moment about last night , but his ass reminded him quickly along with his aching muscles . Jonathan wasn 't the only one to do a number on him , and he was feeling the effects of getting thrown the night before now . Luckily Clark had already walked out and down the stairs . Lex groaned getting up slowly and trudging to the bathroom to start preparations to beginning his day . Jonathan and Martha turned their attention to Clark . He told them what Lex had told him , and what Chloe had told him the day before . Then he said , " I need to go talk to Chloe , and then try to track down James . I 'm hoping we can find out how to help Lex today , because tomorrow is Monday . He can 't go to school where he thinks he should be , but he can 't exactly go to work like this either , so we 're going to have to tell him the truth tonight if I can 't figure something else out . " Martha added , " I doubt that will go over very well . His emotions have to be in an uproar over remembering what he did to James . Then if we add that information to the mix . . . " Martha shook her head . Then with a worried look she said , " You be careful Clark . If James is behind this and you confront him , he could try to do the same thing to you as well . " * * * * * * * * * * Clark went to the Talon first , knowing Chloe often had coffee there in the morning . He found her and sat down at her table . " Hey Chloe , I have news . " Chloe beamed taking a swig of her espresso before replying , " You and me both . I found our mystery man . It turns out he 's still here in Smallville , living with his parents I might add , and want to know the kicker ? He also happens to be our very own school janitor . What about you ? What news do you have ? " Clark was shocked , " Really ? That 's great . Good work Chloe . " He gave her a smile and then turned serious as he said , " Lex told me why James might want to hurt the other members of his cabin from that camp . They all picked on him , and played a prank on him to make him wet the bed the day before parent 's day . They took pictures , and everyone in the whole camp laughed at him . " Chloe 's eyes creased in sympathy , " Poor guy . I kind of don 't blame him for wanting revenge not that I 'm saying it 's okay or anything . o I guess our next step would be to find James then . 've got his address right here , " Chloe reached into her pocket to pull out a crumpled piece of paper with James ' address on it and handed it to Clark . Lex could smell the sausage simmering in the pan all the way upstairs , and his stomach growled in recognition . He packed up most of his bag leaving out his last change of clean clothes for after all the farm work was finished for the day . He was still tired , but luckily Jonathan had said it would only be a half day today since all that was left was weeding Martha 's vegetable garden . He tromped down the stairs to be greeted by Martha and Jonathan 's smiles . Martha invited him to a seat at the table . Noticing right away that Clark was absent , Lex queried , " Where 's Clark ? " Lex thought maybe it would be best if he went home , but Mrs . Kent 's cooking just smelled too good to refuse . He answered , " Oh scrambled is fine Mrs . Kent . Thanks . " He sat down , body still aching from the night prior as he added , " I guess after we finish up that last little bit of work in Mrs . Kent 's garden , I should head home . " Martha and Jonathan exchanged a look . Martha said , " Oh , I thought you were going to at least stay for dinner . I was going to make some chocolate cake . " Lex smiled in appreciation that the Kent 's wanted him to stay for dinner even though there was only a couple hours at most of work left to do . He replied , " Dinner and chocolate cake ? You keep feeding me like this , you might never get rid of me , " Lex joked . When Martha turned her focus back on the cooking food , Jonathan leaned over to Lex and said quietly so that Martha couldn 't tell what was being said , " How are you feeling this morning ? We have some pain medication in the bathroom if you need it . Getting thrown off a horse like that can cause injuries that aren 't apparent until a few hours after the fact . " Lex smiled sheepishly responding quietly , " Thanks ; I think I 'll go grab some now . " Jonathan told Lex that the pain meds were on the top shelf , and Lex followed Jonathan 's directions grabbing a few to take with breakfast . By the time he 'd come back from the bathroom the table was filled with food . It wasn 't long before the three had devoured the table 's contents and Lex and Jonathan were busy weeding away in Martha 's garden . Lex smiled replying , " I 'm alright Mr . Kent ; the physical work has helped loosen up my muscles . We 're almost done now anyway ; I couldn 't quit on you now . " Lex paused in his speech to pull a particularly stubborn weed before adding , " You guys have been so good to me even after all the trouble I 've caused you . wish I could do more to make it up to you . " He paused a second while thinking about how to help Lex get past what he 'd done . He smiled as a memory came to him and he said , " I hope you 're not still feeling guilty about last night . I know you weren 't trying to get yourself or Lightening hurt . In fact I understand your motives completely , because I tried the same thing when I was fifteen . " Lex 's eyes lit up as a mischievous smile spread across his face , " You ? Really ? Did you get thrown or did you tame the beast so to speak ? " After a chuckle Jonathan said , " Neither . I got caught before I could even get on the horse . My father had heard me sneaking out of the house , and followed me . I got the horse saddled , and just as I was about to open the gate to let the horse out , my father stepped out of the shadows . I nearly jumped out of my skin seeing him there . " Lex grinned appreciatively responding , " Thanks Mr . Kent . " The two continued to chat as they finished weeding Martha 's garden ; as predicted the work only took a little over an hour . Martha brought them some sweet tea as the two sat on the porch enjoying the Spring morning waiting for Clark to return home . After leaving Chloe at the Talon , Clark had sped over to James ' parent 's house . James mother had seemed completely shocked when Clark asked to see her . She had told him that James was at the school waxing the floors . He had rushed to the school , thinking that it would probably be a good thing to be able to talk to James alone . He got to the school , and found the front doors locked . He had seen James ' car in the lot and knew he was in there working . He walked around to the back of the school to see if one of those doors was open , and saw movement through one of the windows . Tom Amnisty was red faced , his eyes bulging as he breathed heavy enough to start hyperventilating . James looked up at him and snorted softly , " Who 's laughing now huh ? Who ! " James growled reaching into his toolbox to pull out a fillet knife . His expression changed as his thoughts turned murderous , " It 's okay , it won 't hurt for long not like you hurt me . 've been blessed with a power see , a power given to me to exact my revenge on you for all the happy moments of my childhood you stole from me ! " Clark looked in and saw his teacher , Mr . Anmisty , tied to a chair . Then he saw a familiar looking man walking around Mr . Anmisty with a knife in his hand . Clark realized it was James , and that he 'd seen him cleaning up before in the school . Feeling a twinge of guilt for breaking school property , he broke the lock on the window and stepped into the room while saying , " James ! " James spun around abruptly at the sound of his name being called . He recoiled momentarily before yelling out , " You just stay back you here ! This is none of your concern kid ! " James then turned back to Tom to finish the job he 'd started . Clark held his hand up with his palm facing James in a gesture for him to calm down and stop . He said , " I 'm sorry , but I can 't do that . Why don 't you just calm down , and tell me what 's going on . " James snorted in disbelief , " You wanna talk ? Sure . We can talk kid . " He didn 't plan on having to kill any innocents , but he 'd come too far , crossed too many lines to undo what he 'd already set in motion . He glared across the hall at Clark 's steadily approaching figure wondering what would happen to the mind of a teen regressed by his special given power . It wouldn 't matter , once the element of surprise was unleashed , James planned to eliminate anyone linking him to the murder of his childhood tormentors . Once Clark was ten feet away from James he stopped . He figured if he could get him to talk about what was going on , maybe he could convince him not to do it . He said , " What 's going on ? Why are you doing this ? " James gave Clark an incredulous look , " Why ? I 'll tell you why , because this piece of crap ruined my life ! I 'm a janitor for Christ 's sake ; they shattered my confidence but it doesn 't matter now because he won 't have a chance to mess up anyone else 's life ! " ames spit at Clark , the spit glowing a florescent green as it flew towards its target . Clark jumped out of the way of the oncoming spit , shocked at the color . James spit at him a second time and Clark super sped over to the teacher 's desk and grabbed the coffee mug off of it . He sped back to his spot and caught James ' spit in the cup . Then before James could even register the fact that he had missed , Clark sped to the spot right in front of James and shoved him backwards . James flew a few feet through the air , and slammed up against the wall . He fell to the floor passed out . Tom looked at Clark in shock and said , " How did you do that ? " The police arrived before James woke up , and he was soon in custody . When Tom started to give his statement , and told the police he was sixteen , Clark stepped in and told the cops that James ' spit was a very odd color , and that he thought Mr . Amnisty had been spit on . Clark gave his statement while Tom was being taken to the hospital to be checked out . Once they let him go , Clark ran and got the cup with James ' green spit in it , and then ran to go see Chloe . He found her still in the Talon . He held up the cup to her and said , " Are you up for some chemistry ? " Chloe raised an eyebrow her lip curling slightly as she peered into the cup , " Not exactly the chemistry I wanted to study , " she took the cup from Clark , " Let 's head over to the Torch ; there 's a couple microscopes in the storage closet . " The two traveled over to the school , and within a few hours Chloe was able to distinguish that the spit did in fact contain meteor rock . " I 'll bring this sample to the police ; maybe they can get someone more qualified then me to create an antidote . I don 't know what to say about Lex Clark , maybe the effects will wear off in time ? " Clark said , " Thanks Chloe . . . for everything . James spit at me twice , and the police have a sample of the spit that landed on the floor . Hopefully they 're already analyzing it , but it can 't hurt to take in what you 've found as well . Maybe they 'll be more likely to tell you when and if they find an antidote . I don 't know what to say about Lex either . Do you really think it might wear off , or are you just saying that to make me feel better ? " After a short pause he said , " I 've got to get home and check on Lex . Thanks again Chloe . I 'll see you in school tomorrow . " After Chloe said goodbye , Clark rushed home to see how Lex was . He found his parents and Lex in the house cleaning up the lunch dishes . He smiled at everyone and said , " Hey , sorry that took so long . Did the weeding get all done ? " The three men spent the next hour and a half shooting horse shoes and chatting before Martha called them in for dinner . Lex was happily basking in the simplicity of visiting on the farm with the Kent 's , as he remarked , " Hanging out here with you guys has been a nice break from life at the mansion . I " ex trailed off as bits and pieces of memories began to trigger in his mind . ll of a sudden the words ' life at the mansion ' gave rush to an onslaught of history ; Lex now realized that he wasn 't sixteen , he was twenty - four . e shook his head to clear the fog that had begun to lift and now felt extremely awkward at the truth of the situation . e crinkled his brow in dismay feeling an overwhelming need to be alone to process this newfound information . e didn 't want to cause alarm , and looked at his watch for a cover as he stood and stretched , " It 's almost six ; I guess I should probably get back home and let you guys have a little bit of the weekend for yourselves . " lark knew they couldn 't just let Lex leave . hey had to either keep him on the farm , or tell him what was going on . e forced a smile and said , " How about you stay and watch a movie with us . " Lex smiled knowingly , appreciative that Clark was trying to protect him . He had figured out that the Kent 's knew how old he really was , and had kept it from him to keep him safe . And with all the many people who would have taken advantage of him for being in such a place . " Thanks Clark , but I think I need to go home and prepare for some meetings at Luthor Corp on Monday . " It was his subtle way of letting them know he was in fact aware of his real age again . Clark 's brows furrowed in confusion , and he said , " Luthor Corp ? But . . . " Jonathan had been watching Lex 's expression , and understood before Clark did . He put a hand on Clark 's shoulder and gave Lex a reassuring smile when he said , " We 're glad you could spend the weekend with us Lex . We enjoyed your company . " Lex then said his goodbyes , gathered up his belongings and headed out . On the drive back to the mansion , Lex couldn 't stop thinking about how all of this could have happened . It didn 't take him long to deduce that James must have been at the root of this occurrence . Clark had asked quite a few questions about him , and it couldn 't be a coincidence that his memory had been regressed to the point where they had caused James so much torment . Lex pulled into his driveway letting out a deep sigh . The guilt over his past transgressions began eroding away his good mood that had been instilled at the Kent 's farm . Lex went inside and started to check his mail and messages , but his thoughts kept returning to that day at camp . The more Lex thought about it , the more he wanted to forget about it and poured himself a tall glass of Scotch to drown out his over active conscious . Once Lex was gone , Clark told his parents everything that had happened with James earlier that morning . Both his parents told Clark they were proud of him for not only protecting his friend , but also for catching James before he could hurt anyone else . Once they were done talking , Martha asked Clark , " It 's been a really busy weekend , do you have any homework that needs to get done for tomorrow morning ? " Clark groaned at that . He 'd been so focused on finding out what was wrong with his friend that he 'd forgotten how much homework he still had to do for Monday . " I have a ton of it . " Martha waited a few seconds , knowing Jonathan was gathering his thoughts . Once he was ready he said , " You know I 've had issues with Lex , and with Clark being friends with Lex . But after seeing what Lex was like a little younger . . . " On the drive to the mansion , Jonathan second guessed himself a few times , wondering if Lex would rather be alone . But he felt compelled to see Lex for himself , to make sure he was okay before he could sleep well that night . He pulled up to the mansion and was let in by one of the servants . The man showed him to Lex 's study and said , " Mr . Luthor , a Jonathan Kent is here to see you . " Lex was sitting on his sofa lost in thought when Jonathan was escorted in . Lex rose to his feet and gave the man a smile , " Thanks Gerard ; you can go now . " He turned to Jonathan taking another swig off his now second tall Scotch , " Hey Mr . Kent ; to what do I owe such a soon visit ? I didn 't forget something did I ? " " No , no you didn 't forget anything . I just . . . " Jonathan gave Lex a somewhat sheepish smile and admitted , " I guess I just needed to make sure you were really okay . After you left , Clark told us about James . I don 't know how much you remember about having your memory altered , but James is the one who did it to you . He did it to some of the other kids you went to camp with too , and he was trying to kill one of Clark 's teachers when Clark found him and called the police . They have James in custody now . " Lex sat down on the couch next to Jonathan while he spoke to let this new information soak in ; when Jonathan had finished , Lex took another swallow of his Scotch and set the drink down on the table . He couldn 't look at Jonathan embarrassed about what he had done and imagining what Jonathan must think of him now that he knew the truth about what he and the other boys had done . The silence was uncomfortable , and he had to say something , which was the first thing that came to his mind , " He was just some outcast kid that we picked on , no tormented into a ball of rage . he worst part is that after that summer was over I 'd forgotten about him l ke it didn 't happen , but he never stopped thinking about us never stopped hating us . I on 't blame him . Fo all the pain we caused James , I deserved what he did to us . I new it was wrong , but I did it anyway . By all rights , James got short changed on his revenge ; I feel like it should have been worse . Th t so called harmless prank destroyed that man 's life . " ! Jonathan was glad he 'd come . Lex wasn 't okay , he was wallowing in guilt . Jonathan wracked his brain to think of something to say to Lex to make him feel better , but he couldn 't come up with anything . Lex had been wrong to help torment James and they both knew it . But there were more constructive things to be doing about guilt then drinking and wishing things had been worse . The first thought that came to Jonathan 's mind was to spank Lex again , to help him get rid of some of the guilt . Lex had responded fairly well to the spanking from the night before , but then he 'd also thought he was a teenager at that point . Jonathan looked over at Lex who was looking at the floor apparently unable to make eye contact , and decided it was the right thing to do , even if Lex hated him for it after the fact . He put an arm around Lex 's shoulders and said , " Yes you were wrong to help pick on James . But I don 't agree that it destroyed his life . Lots of kids get picked on , and don 't try to kill their tormentors when they grow up . Other factors had to play a part in James growing up to be who he is today . So I 'm not going to sit here and listen to you tell me you wish James had gotten his revenge on you without doing something about it . " Lex was taken aback surprised at being currently upended facing the floor , " Wha . . ! Mr . Kent ! What are you doing ! I 'm not mentally a teenager anymore ! ou can 't do this to me ! " ex squirmed to get off Jonathan 's lap , but Jonathan had all the leverage , and he was unable to right himself . Jonathan ignored Lex 's protests and concentrated on keeping Lex in place while continuing to swat him . After a few seconds of swatting , he paused and said , " It doesn 't matter to me how old you are . And if you keep squirming and trying to get away , this can get worse . Remember what happened last time ? Is that what you want again ? " Lex was torn between fighting Jonathan and doing what was best , and in this instance , quitting the fight would mean not getting his bottom bared again like he had in the barn . He planned to do his best not to land himself in that situation again . This was bad enough ! Lex settled down as much as he could tolerate while getting his ass blistered as he shouted , " Stop ! I 'm sorry I said that okay ! Just stop already ! " Jonathan could tell Lex was putting some effort into being still . He nodded once to himself in approval . Wanting Lex to get past the shock of the spanking happening , and to concentrate on the reasons behind it , Jonathan said , " I 'm sure you are sorry you told me how guilty you felt , but hopefully after this , you won 't have to feel so guilty anymore . This spanking is a few years late , but I want to be clear that it is for what you did to James at camp , and not for what you said . " Jonathan started swatting hard and fast again . He said , " Tell me what you and your friends did to James , and why it was the wrong thing to do . " knowing Lex would hate it , but also thinking it would help solidify things in Lex 's mind . Lex lost his voice letting out grunts of pain as he listened to Jonathan . It hurt , but he knew that he deserved what he was getting right now , and it was long overdue , but telling Jonathan about what he did ? The thought made his stomach turn . He pleaded , " Please Mr . Kent ! I can 't " Hearing Lex 's earnest pleading made Jonathan want to reconsider . But he 'd been in the position enough times while growing up to know that admitting what you 'd done while getting spanked made it easier to move past once it was done . " Yes you can , and you 're not getting up until you do . You don 't have to go into detail , but I want you to give me a basic answer to why you 're getting spanked . " Lex felt the tears well in his eyes at the vocal reminder that he was getting spanked . The humiliation was giving way to something worse , overwhelming guilt ; and being asked to admit what he 'd done only made the pain echoing across his rear feel that much more potent and justified . Unable to stand the stinging swats much longer , Lex gave in , " I 'm sorry ! I let myself * Ow ! * I let myself be influenced by others to do something I knew was wrong ! * Ouch ! * I could have stopped them ! But I didn 't ! * Ahh ! * No more ! Mr . Kent ! Please ! " Lex didn 't want to tell the rest , and hoped Jonathan would be satisfied with what he had given . Jonathan shook his head and put a little more force behind the swats . " Yes that 's true , but that 's not exactly the answer I was looking for Lex . Try again . " Lex winced at the increase in pain from Jonathan 's heavy hand . It didn 't take many swats for him to decide the guilt he felt wasn 't worth holding back any longer as he strained out , " We played a prank on him ! * Ahh ! * It it made him wet the bed ! Ow ! w ! * It got out to the other kids , and James was the laughing stock at the camp ! Ahh ! * I never wanted him to get hurt like that ! " ex couldn 't hold back the tears any longer and sobbed , " I 'm sorry for for what I did ! S op ! P ease ! " J nathan did stop and said , " Thank you for admitting it . N w you 've got ten more swats coming before we 're done here to help take care of that guilt for you , and they will be harder . I can either take off my belt and give you ten with that , or I can take down your pants and give you ten with my hand . I you have a preference tell me now , or I 'll decide for you . " Lex couldn 't help but sob harder ; he didn 't know which would be worse to deal with , but deep down he knew that he needed this to get past the guilt he was feeling . Unable to decide his fate , Lex hung his head to wait uncomfortably for Jonathan 's final decision . Jonathan counted to three in his head , and then unbuckled his belt when Lex didn 't respond . He pulled it through the loops and doubled it over in his hand . He got a firm grip on Lex 's waist to keep him in place and brought the belt down hard , giving Lex a second to get over the shock of the first swat before giving him another . Lex 's stomach shook as he heard Jonathan unbuckling his belt . The anticipation of waiting for him to situate the belt in his hand was excruciating . Lex couldn 't help the whimper that escaped his lips as the belt landed . And after the third hard swat , Lex could no longer contain his movements as he thrashed at each blow crying out in pain . He did not ask for it to stop , but instead just sobbed helplessly as he waited for the allotted ten to be delivered . Jonathan was a little surprised that Lex didn 't ask him to stop as he gave him the ten swats , but that also indicated to him that Lex knew he deserved it . After the tenth swat landed , Jonathan put the belt down beside him on the couch , and rubbed Lex 's back . " Okay Lex , you 've paid for what you did , and now you 're forgiven . " he said quietly , waiting for Lex to calm down . Lex sucked back his breath involuntarily as he was unable to control the wave of tears that poured down his cheeks . He wiped absently at them to clear his vision and salvage what was left of his battered pride . It took several minutes , but finally he calmed down enough to speak , " May I get up sir ? " He mumbled embarrassed that he felt the need to ask . " Of course . " Jonathan put a hand on Lex 's arm and helped him stand up , but instead of letting him go once Lex was upright , Jonathan stood as well and pulled him into a hug . " Once you 've calmed down a little bit , we 're gonna talk about this . " Lex was surprised that he not only didn 't flinch away from hug , but welcomed it . After a long moment he gently pulled away from the hug but was still unable to look Jonathan in the eye or speak , embarrassed and unsure of himself . It was an odd feeling for him that he rarely experienced . Keeping one hand on Lex 's shoulder , Jonathan said , " I know this was a tough weekend for you . I can 't even begin to imagine all the ways it would mess with your head to believe you were sixteen again . I hope being out at the farm with all of us helped you get through that fairly unscathed . I also hope that with the punishment I just dished out , and with some time to think things over , you 'll be able to put this weekend in the past and move forward . " Lex nodded replying , " I know you mean well , and for what it 's worth , I do feel a little less guilty now . " Lex paused thinking how he could say what was on his mind before finally looking Jonathan in the eye and adding , " I guess what I 'm trying to say is , thanks . Thanks for being there for me when I needed someone . I hate to think what could have happened to me if you and your family weren 't there for me , " He smiled , " Although I think I could have passed on the butt warming . " He squeezed Lex 's shoulder once before he let his hand drop . " You know when Clark first decided to be friends with you , I was against it . But now that I 've spent some time getting to know you , I 've seen the kind of person you really are . And I want you to know you 're welcome at the farm anytime . In fact I think you should come over to dinner next Saturday . Let us know you 're doing alright . " Lex 's smile broadened , " I think I can free up next Saturday for dinner . " He didn 't voice it , but Lex was elated to hear that Jonathan thought highly of him . He 'd spent so long living in the shadow of his father , for once it felt good to be lifted out of the same category . " Good . " Jonathan paused a second and then said , " Well I should probably get home . Are you gonna be okay ? Did you want me to stick around for a while ? I 'm a pretty good listener if you need to talk to someone about James or anything else this weekend brought up for you . " Lex nodded sheepishly , " Yea , yea ; I 'll be fine Mr . Kent . Thanks for the offer , but I think I 've done enough talking and enough reflecting for one day . If it 's one thing you 've made me realize , it 's about time I start looking to the future verses dwelling in the past . " " I think that 's a good plan . I 'll see myself out , and I 'll see you next weekend . " Jonathan left and headed for home . Lex watched him go feeling oddly at ease . The guilt he had felt earlier had dissipated into the recesses of his mind . The guilt wasn 't gone , but he no longer was burdened with it . Lex walked out to the balcony to watch Jonathan drive off . He couldn 't help the small smile that appeared as he thought about how strange and emotionally trying the weekend had been to still turn out to be memorably good . Clark found himself looking at the clock every half hour during his afternoon classes on Monday . When the bell finally rang he gathered his books and left , skipping the bus in favor of running towards the mansion . He 'd been waiting to talk to Lex in private since the night before , wanting to make sure for himself that he was back to normal , and that he was okay with Clark 's deception over the weekend . Once he arrived , one of the servants let him in and showed him to Lex 's study . Lex looked up from his laptop as Clark entered . He gave him a warm smile and stood to greet him , " Good afternoon Clark . It 's good to see you . How was your day ? " Lex chuckled to himself at the worried expression his friend gave him , " You can set your mind at ease Clark , I 'm not mad , and in fact , I 'm grateful . If it weren 't for you guys keeping me safe , who knows what kind of trouble I could have found myself in . I was looking in the local paper this morning , and I saw that one of the kids , Jamie , was arrested for spray painting graffiti on the Smallville library . " Lex shook his head adding , " I don 't even want think of the type of press that would have followed if I 'd been caught doing something like that . I discreetly bailed Jamie out , but the damage is still done . " Nodding in agreement Clark said , " When I realized you weren 't yourself , one of my first thoughts was that I had to make sure none of the people you worked with would find out . I didn 't want someone trying to use it against you . But I could have tried to tell you the truth instead of playing along . I just wasn 't sure you 'd believe me . " Lex leaned back in his chair giving Clark a reassuring smile , " You were right , I most likely wouldn 't have believed you . It 's not quite something anyone fathoms happening to them , and it is pretty hard to believe . I 'm not sure I believe it even seeing the truth placed in front of me like an open book . " Lex paused for a moment thinking over the weekend at Clark 's house with his family . He turned his attention back to Clark continuing , " Some truths were there staring me in the face all along , and I don 't think I 'd ever have seen them if it wasn 't for this weekend Clark . You and your family accepted me for who I am , not my name , and that , kind of honesty and kindness is a rare form for me to experience . Clark sat down on the little couch that was in the office , finally able to relax for the first time all afternoon . " Well then I guess I 'm glad I went along with you and brought you to my house . My parents seemed to really like having you there , and so did I . And not just because you did most of my chores for me either . " |
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