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I had not gone to Atria for a couple of days . She doesn 't notice any more , so I don 't push myself as much any more , which is lovely . It means that when I do go , I enjoy it more . Usually . And it seems that every visit is different from every other one . Only she wasn 't . She was awake , but still sitting on her bed reading . There was no walker in the apartment and no sign of any food . She was wearing her pajama tops and her underpants . She asked what I was doing there and I told her I had come to visit and asked if she wanted to sit there on the bed or if she wanted to go into the living room . We talked for awhile and an aid came in with her lunch on a tray ( her bill , which I received recently , shows that she has discovered room service and she seems to be eating in her room a lot ) . She had a memory retention of about 10 seconds yesterday . Every tie she glanced at the tray , she didn 't know what it was or where it had come from . There were men working out in the courtyard , as they have been for months . They are finally getting closer to finish , but she always thinks they are just there for the day . She told me that they had put in a new pathway yesterday ( they actually did it two years ago ) The men came up on her patio to begin painting and there she sits in her underwear . I shut the curtains and suggested she really should go and get dressed , so she got up , went into her bedroom , and came out tugging on a blouse , which she was trying to pull on over her pajamas . Then she sat down , again still in her underwear . I asked why she didn 't put on some pants . She said she didn 't have any and covered her bare legs with a blanket . The food tray had a plate with a hamburger on it , and two covered cups , one with coffee and one with soup . Each time she looked at at the tray she wondered where it had come from and asked what was in the cups . She opened each one and sniffed one . She didn 't want the coffee because it was black . She would cover both cups up again , look away , then look back and open them up again to see what was inside . She did this several times . She did finish the hamburger and took the plate out to the kitchen , then later walked out in the kitchen to ask who had put the plate there . It was a day when she wanted to know if I was going dancing . My god how many times did she ask me if I was going dancing and why I was not . She couldn 't seem to comprehend that the last time I was dancing was 13 years ago , at Tom and Laurel 's wedding ( she didn 't remember who Tom was ) . That 's kind of how the whole visit went . She was feeling some discomfort in her leg but she has stopped acting like she 's in agony , so I assume that the pain med is working , though I think one of the effects of the med is this new mental state of hers . It makes visits more pleasant , if . . . . weird . Like I said , you no longer know what to expect when you open that apartment door . But the good thing is that she now seems happy more than she seems unhappy and that is a very pleasant change . But who knows how long that is going to last . Yesterday was Tom and Laurel 's 13th anniversary , which is difficult to believe that it has been that long . I told them I will take them out to dinner , if we can find time when I am there this weekend . I am very eager to see the girls again . I think the medication is finally starting to kick in . She still seems to have pain when she tries to get up , but she doesn 't complain or seem to be suffering most of the time . And it may be the medication that is making her loopy . We have had long conversations lately , all of them kind of fun because she makes no sense whatever . Sometimes she knows who I am , sometimes she thinks I 'm her sister . I think she recognizes me and then she 'll say something like " how is Mom ? " when I will stop and ask her if she knows my name and she doesn 't , thpugh she recognizes that I 'm family and she loves me . She doesn 't talk gibberish , but she talks nonsense , asking questions or making observations that make no sense whatever , but she believes them and it 's kind of fun to go along with her . I just follow along with whatever she says , asking question about how she 'd do this or that , what she wants to move , etc . We often laugh when she can 't come up with an answer . One of the best things I ever did was putting her into the assisted living program . She wasn 't ready for it ( and would not have qualified for long term care insurance payments ) if I had done it earlier , but now that she is on , there are people in and out of her apartment all day long , checking on this or that , giving her meds , etc . She has always been a social person and now she has someone to talk to several times a day . There was no walker in my mother 's apartment today , so I 'm not sure what the status of the walker is . I 'm leaving he whole walker thing up to Atria . I won 't even mention the word " walker . " She was wearing a blouse I have not seen her wear since she moved to Atria 3 + years ago . She has been living in three different blouses for the past 2 years at least , while her closet is filled with clothes she does not believe are hers . So I 'm not sure where this " new " blouse came from , but it was nice to see . Two of the aids came in to help her look for her keys which , apparently were lost again . They were going to come back later , so I went in and checked her purse , which she keeps in a different drawer every time I look for it . And they were there . I really wonder if she takes her purse to meals or if she just puts the keys away in her purse . It 's a mystery . I went through a big stack of mail that has been bothering her . It 's mostly junk mail but she doesn 't want me to throw it away until she has " gone through it . " However , I did manage to let her let me throw away Xfinity ads for computer bundling ( since she doesn 't have a computer ) and requests from a few charitable organizations for holiday donations . The rest I told her I would take home to take care of , so we eliminate that stack that was bothering her . That just left the rest of her house that is bothering her . I 'll tell ya , though , I 'm sure glad we have health insurance . Some of the things in the stack were notices from Kaiser about the bills they paid for her 2 hour trip to the Emergency Room last month . Kaiser has no ER in Davis and the nearest one is 20 miles away , so they OKd her treatment at the local hospital . Her bill for the hospital portion came to more than $ 9 , 000 and there were 2 or 3 other bills , one for the doctor and probably one for the lab work so the total cost for 2 hours in the emergency room was about $ 10 , 000 . Her cost ? a $ 50 co - pay . It was a very graphic reminder that without health insurance , one trip to the emergency room could wipe you out completely . They arrived back at the apartment , my mother once again pushing her walker . ( " Is this my apartment ? " as she sat down and looked blankly around the room . I wish she could learn to recognize where she has lived for the past 3 + years . ) But after the blow up earlier this week , it 's been so nice to have three really positive days . When she is good , she is very , very good . . . when she is bad , she is horrid . And it 's nice that Ned often brings out the best in her because Ned will not tolerate anything less than positive . Needless to say , I was nervous going to Atria today . But I girded my loins and headed off for lunch . Sadly , there was no parking anywhere within 3 blocks , so I decided I didn 't have to have lunch ; I would go later . At 1 ; 30 , I tried again and managed to find a spot in the parking lot . I had butterflies in my stomach , surprisingly , walking down the hall , after her explosion yesterday . I was pretty sure she 'd be OK < but you never know with this damn disease . I saw her newspaper had been taken in , so figured she was up . I let myself in . She was out of bed and dressed , but down again , napping on the couch . The big surprise was seeing a walker in her apartment . In the past she has resisted even having it inside . I decided not to mention it . Rather than waking her up , I had planned ahead and had brought my book and just settled in to read until she woke up . I guess I read for about 15 minutes when two aids knocked on the door . Their shift was ending and they wanted to know if she wanted to go to lunch ( I thought it odd they hadn 't asked her before , but whatever ) They got her up and sitting in the walker before she actually saw me . Her face lit up and she said she was thrilled to see me . " I haven 't seen you in such a long time , " she exclaimed , a big smile on her face . The four of us started for the dining room . and unhesitatingly , she pushed the walker without a comment . The aids left us in the dining room and I was helping her with the menu . She was still glowing at " finally " seeing me . When she asked " how 's Mom ? " I realized she didn 't have a clue who I was . I asked her if she knew who I was and then she looked confused . I finally told her who I was . Then she kind of remembered . I asked if she knew who she was and she said " Of course I do . " I asked what her name was and she didn 't know . When I told her it was Mildred she made a face and said that was a silly name . About that time , I remembered I had a little digital tape recorder with me and I started it and put it on the table . I 've been meaning to tape a conversation for some time now . This was the PERFECT day to do this . She never noticed it was there . When I turned away to look at the menu for her and then turned back , she had passed out again , her head resting on the table . The server asked if I wanted him to call an aid and I told him no . I got her awake again and , as usual , she awoke with a start and had to orient herself as to where she was . The strange thing was that she wasn 't upset or anxious , but it was as if most of her brain had been wiped almost clean . She didn 't remember anything . About anything . It didn 't bother her , like it usually does , but she asked a lot of questions and I kept filling her in on parts of her life . Every so often she would marvel that the brain is so strange that it won 't let you remember things . She never remembers that she has great grandchildren , but today she didn 't even remember grandchildren ( and she always remembers them ) . The names Tom , Ned and Jeri were familiar to her , but she couldn 't picture them . I found pictures in my cell phone , but that didn 't help . At one point I missed Peach and Kathy so much . We were talking about her siblings and she asked me if she had any . I told her she had six sisters and three brothers . Then I started to name them . Now , Marie is her second oldest sister and was married and out of the house long before my mother was born . They never had much of a relationship and my mother told me on several occasions over the years that she really was always afraid of Marie . Even as a young woman , Marie was pretty large and I can imagine that she was scary to little kids , especially since she was an alcoholic and who knows what she was like when she came home drunk . I started at the low end of the siblings and mentioned Marge and Barb , the two sisters she was closest to throughout her life , and Paul and Betsy . . . saying the names slowly to let her think about each one . Then I mentioned Jim and Scotty and then Marie and Mel . When I got to Marie 's name , she waved and said " oh you can leave Marie out of the list . " She can 't remember her own name but remembered that she never liked Marie ! I so much wanted to share that with Peach and Kathy who , along with my mother , would be the only ones who would have realized how funny that really was . She had a bowl of soup and some ice cream and I got a really good recording of our conversation , which I stopped when we left the dining room . When she got up , I told her to get her walker , which she did without complaint and pushed it all the way back to her apartment ( I had to show her where her apartment was ) . I think this " wiping the brain clean " erased her memory of how much she hated walkers and when the aids got her into hers , she just accepted it as the way things are now . It will be interesting to see how things are tomorrow . We sat and talked for awhile . I mentioned something about my father and she said " I was married to him , wasn 't I ? " When I told her that yes , she was she said " I really miss him . " Then I told her that no , she probably didn 't miss him but missed her second husband , Fred . She was a bit vague on Fred and couldn 't picture him in her mind ( which made me sad , because she loved him so much ) . She asked me several times if she had done anything in her life and I enumerated things that she had done ( she had no memory of my sister , except , when hearing that she died many years ago , she said " that must make you sad . " ) I told her about her career with the Bank of America , which she can 't remember , and the years that she volunteered at Hospice of Marin and how much she was loved by people . That seemed to make her happy . Though she can 't remember any of those things , she was glad to hear that she had accomplished things in her life and that people liked her . As I was leaving , I realized that she had not ONCE mentioned any pain ! ! ! What 's more , she wasn 't moving as if she was in pain either . Maybe the new medication is finally working . I asked her if she hurt , and no , she didn 't hurt . I was specific . Did her back hurt ? No . Did her leg hurt ? Yes . Did her stomach hurt ? No . Turns out it was an anxiety day . She doesn 't know where she is , where she is supposed to be going , what she was supposed to be doing . We have this conversation almost every day . I tried again going through the " this is your home , you have nothing specific to do , just put on your pants and we can go to lunch . " She tried to put on her shoes . I suggested she should put on pants before her shoes . She said again she didn 't know what to do or where to go . I expressed my frustration saying I knew how scary this was for her , but that there was nothing I could do for her . That I 'd tried to answer her questions , but she didn 't understand . Now , I know that this sort of thing is common with dementia , the anger and turning on loved ones , but it hadn 't happened to me yet and I was in tears when I left ( slamming the door behind me ) . I stopped at the office and talked with Brianna , who is in charge of her physical health at Atria . I told her I wasn 't upset with Atria , but I just had to vent . I told her what had happened , and broke down crying . She was wonderfully understanding . I 'm sure she gets this all the time . We talked for a long time and she gave me a report on how my mother was doing in general , on the dinners she had seen her eating with her friend Loretta , how she sometimes sees her wandering around the hall by herself , so I know that she 's doing OK - - and that they are keeping a careful eye on her . So I 'm not really worried for her . We 've been through these " anxiety days " before , but it 's so frustrating to be unable to bring her any peace . . . or , for that matter , pain relief . I asked about whether they had been using the Lidocaine cream I got on Friday and had rushed through getting a prescription for , even though it is not a prescription med . My mother doesn 't remember anybody putting cream on her back ( but I never take her word for anything ) . Brianna told me one reason they haven 't used it is that the medication I was given by the pharmacy is Lidocaine RECTAL cream ! This is for rubbing on the skin of her back . I came home and wrote to her doctor , who has read the e - mail , but has not answered yet . Though I felt better after talking with Brianna , I still had a little cry when I got into the car . Then I called Walt to report what had happened , and I sent a text message to Jeri and Ned . Jeri said she called her grandmother after my text , but there was no answer . I thought about him today as I sat in my chair . I wasn 't at the depths , but was definitely affected by mother 's anger at me for the first time in my life that I remember ! It hurt first when she asked for someone else in the family to talk to , because obviously I was no help to her at all , and then throwing me out of the apartment and telling me not to come back . I have not seen my mother most of this week . Well , that 's not true . I 've seen her twice , once on Monday , when I got there at 1 and found her sound asleep and just dropped off her laundry and left , and once on Wednesday when I went for lunch , got there at 11 , stayed for an hour and then left because she was still sleeping . I figured if she was deeply asleep , given how many nights of insomnia she has had over the past months , I should let her sleep . [ laundry note - - today it was 3 days since I left her laundry for her and I found the bag stuck in a corner , still full of clean laundry . Since she was out of underwear , I don 't know what she has been wearing ! ] Her stepson Ed went to see her while I was working at Logos and texted that he wanted to talk with me , so I called last night . He said he arrived at Atria at 11 and she was asleep . He also said that it looked like it was last night 's dinner that was cold on the counter in the kitchen ( which meant that ( a ) she did not eat last night , and ( b ) nobody checked on her in the morning . ) He reported that she says she can 't eat anything because it makes her vomit , though he could not see any sign of that . we are taking Mildred to meals as she allows us . This week though she has refused to go to eat and is requesting trays . When the trays arrive she will look at it and push it away . Mildred is wanting to sleep more and her back is in pain . The walker she refuses to use most of the time . I have not heard anything regarding vomit or nausea only the back pain . I have noticed it is more difficult to walk as she says she is in extreme pain . Are you opposed to discussing a smaller environment like our LG neighborhood ? ( memory care ) ? I called Kaiser and found out her doctor had no available appointments on Friday , but they managed to get her an appointment with another doctor . It was a 10 : 40 appointment and that meant I would have to wake her up , which I did . She did not want to go to the doctor , but under duress agreed . She even agreed to my pushing her in a wheelchair out to the car so she didn 't have to walk the hall . She asked me every five minutes what we were going to tell the doctor . When the doctor came in and asked my other what the problem is , she turned to me and said " I don 't know . What is it ? " When asked if she had back pain she neither had back pain nor did she remember ever having it . She ultimately said that oh sure , sometimes her back hurts , but it 's not bad . Arrrggggghhhhhh . Fortunately the doctor asked her to lie down on the exam table and when lying down she grimaced and said it hurt . She pointed out to the doctor ( at my insistence ) where it was hurting . Then when she went to sit up again , the pain doubled her over . FINALLY ! ! ! ! I don 't want my mother to hurt , of course , but finally a doctor has gotten a taste of the real pain she is suffering . She suggested physical therapy which I would have suggested weeks ago , but her regular doctor never brought it up . I also asked about a pain patch ( which Melissa at Atria had suggested ) . She agreed that also might be a good idea ( also nothing her regular doctor recommended ) . So we have a first appointment for physical therapy later this month and we went to the pharmacy to get her " patch " only it turned out to be a cream , not a patch . . . and not a cream that needed a prescription . While we were leaving the exam room , my mother told me that the pain was running up and down her leg . I repeat . . . ARRRGGGHHHHH ! When we headed back to her apartment , she was in great pain and she was kind of holding onto the railing on the left side of the hall and I pointed out that if she kind of leaned on it , it could take the pressure off of her back and she would have less pain . She agreed and immediately let go of the railing and walked in the middle of the aisle . She really , REALLY doesn 't want to think she needs assistance ! ! ! I keep trying to think what it must be like to be inside her head . When we got back today , she sat in her chair and asked where we were going next . I told her I was going home and that she was going to stay there . " Is this my home ? " she asked I told her it was . She looked around and said she didn 't recognize anything , but when I pointed out the flowers she always tells me she loves many times while I 'm visiting , she thought she remembered them . I can 't imagine how terrifying it must be to never be sure where you are , to never recognize anything around you . My heart aches for her . This evening , we received e - mail from Marta asking about Thanksgiving plans . I hadn 't thought of that holiday looming ( plus Christmas ) and I realized that I am so depressed about what is going on with my mother that I can 't even begin to think about the holidays . My mother won 't realize it is a holiday , but if we do nothing with / for her , she will get her feelings hurt , but I am remembering our attempt to bring her Thanksgiving last year and the whole idea of having us there for the holiday made her sick to her stomach , so we ended up having an impromptu Thanksgiving dinner here instead . I just want someone else to decide what , if anything , we are going to do . I can 't even begin to think about planning a holiday right now . I got to Atria and found her sitting in the walker out in front of her apartment . I think she might have locked herself out and since the walker was there in the hall , she sat in it . I didn 't comment on it and just opened the door and we went in . When we left , she opened the door , saw the walker and asked if it was mine . I didn 't make a big deal out of it , just said that she had been sitting in it earlier and that it belonged to Atria . She said nothing . |
I had not gone to Atria for a couple of days . She doesn 't notice any more , so I don 't push myself as much any more , which is lovely . It means that when I do go , I enjoy it more . Usually . And it seems that every visit is different from every other one . Only she wasn 't . She was awake , but still sitting on her bed reading . There was no walker in the apartment and no sign of any food . She was wearing her pajama tops and her underpants . She asked what I was doing there and I told her I had come to visit and asked if she wanted to sit there on the bed or if she wanted to go into the living room . We talked for awhile and an aid came in with her lunch on a tray ( her bill , which I received recently , shows that she has discovered room service and she seems to be eating in her room a lot ) . She had a memory retention of about 10 seconds yesterday . Every tie she glanced at the tray , she didn 't know what it was or where it had come from . There were men working out in the courtyard , as they have been for months . They are finally getting closer to finish , but she always thinks they are just there for the day . She told me that they had put in a new pathway yesterday ( they actually did it two years ago ) The men came up on her patio to begin painting and there she sits in her underwear . I shut the curtains and suggested she really should go and get dressed , so she got up , went into her bedroom , and came out tugging on a blouse , which she was trying to pull on over her pajamas . Then she sat down , again still in her underwear . I asked why she didn 't put on some pants . She said she didn 't have any and covered her bare legs with a blanket . The food tray had a plate with a hamburger on it , and two covered cups , one with coffee and one with soup . Each time she looked at at the tray she wondered where it had come from and asked what was in the cups . She opened each one and sniffed one . She didn 't want the coffee because it was black . She would cover both cups up again , look away , then look back and open them up again to see what was inside . She did this several times . She did finish the hamburger and took the plate out to the kitchen , then later walked out in the kitchen to ask who had put the plate there . It was a day when she wanted to know if I was going dancing . My god how many times did she ask me if I was going dancing and why I was not . She couldn 't seem to comprehend that the last time I was dancing was 13 years ago , at Tom and Laurel 's wedding ( she didn 't remember who Tom was ) . That 's kind of how the whole visit went . She was feeling some discomfort in her leg but she has stopped acting like she 's in agony , so I assume that the pain med is working , though I think one of the effects of the med is this new mental state of hers . It makes visits more pleasant , if . . . . weird . Like I said , you no longer know what to expect when you open that apartment door . But the good thing is that she now seems happy more than she seems unhappy and that is a very pleasant change . But who knows how long that is going to last . Yesterday was Tom and Laurel 's 13th anniversary , which is difficult to believe that it has been that long . I told them I will take them out to dinner , if we can find time when I am there this weekend . I am very eager to see the girls again . I think the medication is finally starting to kick in . She still seems to have pain when she tries to get up , but she doesn 't complain or seem to be suffering most of the time . And it may be the medication that is making her loopy . We have had long conversations lately , all of them kind of fun because she makes no sense whatever . Sometimes she knows who I am , sometimes she thinks I 'm her sister . I think she recognizes me and then she 'll say something like " how is Mom ? " when I will stop and ask her if she knows my name and she doesn 't , thpugh she recognizes that I 'm family and she loves me . She doesn 't talk gibberish , but she talks nonsense , asking questions or making observations that make no sense whatever , but she believes them and it 's kind of fun to go along with her . I just follow along with whatever she says , asking question about how she 'd do this or that , what she wants to move , etc . We often laugh when she can 't come up with an answer . One of the best things I ever did was putting her into the assisted living program . She wasn 't ready for it ( and would not have qualified for long term care insurance payments ) if I had done it earlier , but now that she is on , there are people in and out of her apartment all day long , checking on this or that , giving her meds , etc . She has always been a social person and now she has someone to talk to several times a day . There was no walker in my mother 's apartment today , so I 'm not sure what the status of the walker is . I 'm leaving he whole walker thing up to Atria . I won 't even mention the word " walker . " She was wearing a blouse I have not seen her wear since she moved to Atria 3 + years ago . She has been living in three different blouses for the past 2 years at least , while her closet is filled with clothes she does not believe are hers . So I 'm not sure where this " new " blouse came from , but it was nice to see . Two of the aids came in to help her look for her keys which , apparently were lost again . They were going to come back later , so I went in and checked her purse , which she keeps in a different drawer every time I look for it . And they were there . I really wonder if she takes her purse to meals or if she just puts the keys away in her purse . It 's a mystery . I went through a big stack of mail that has been bothering her . It 's mostly junk mail but she doesn 't want me to throw it away until she has " gone through it . " However , I did manage to let her let me throw away Xfinity ads for computer bundling ( since she doesn 't have a computer ) and requests from a few charitable organizations for holiday donations . The rest I told her I would take home to take care of , so we eliminate that stack that was bothering her . That just left the rest of her house that is bothering her . I 'll tell ya , though , I 'm sure glad we have health insurance . Some of the things in the stack were notices from Kaiser about the bills they paid for her 2 hour trip to the Emergency Room last month . Kaiser has no ER in Davis and the nearest one is 20 miles away , so they OKd her treatment at the local hospital . Her bill for the hospital portion came to more than $ 9 , 000 and there were 2 or 3 other bills , one for the doctor and probably one for the lab work so the total cost for 2 hours in the emergency room was about $ 10 , 000 . Her cost ? a $ 50 co - pay . It was a very graphic reminder that without health insurance , one trip to the emergency room could wipe you out completely . They arrived back at the apartment , my mother once again pushing her walker . ( " Is this my apartment ? " as she sat down and looked blankly around the room . I wish she could learn to recognize where she has lived for the past 3 + years . ) But after the blow up earlier this week , it 's been so nice to have three really positive days . When she is good , she is very , very good . . . when she is bad , she is horrid . And it 's nice that Ned often brings out the best in her because Ned will not tolerate anything less than positive . Needless to say , I was nervous going to Atria today . But I girded my loins and headed off for lunch . Sadly , there was no parking anywhere within 3 blocks , so I decided I didn 't have to have lunch ; I would go later . At 1 ; 30 , I tried again and managed to find a spot in the parking lot . I had butterflies in my stomach , surprisingly , walking down the hall , after her explosion yesterday . I was pretty sure she 'd be OK < but you never know with this damn disease . I saw her newspaper had been taken in , so figured she was up . I let myself in . She was out of bed and dressed , but down again , napping on the couch . The big surprise was seeing a walker in her apartment . In the past she has resisted even having it inside . I decided not to mention it . Rather than waking her up , I had planned ahead and had brought my book and just settled in to read until she woke up . I guess I read for about 15 minutes when two aids knocked on the door . Their shift was ending and they wanted to know if she wanted to go to lunch ( I thought it odd they hadn 't asked her before , but whatever ) They got her up and sitting in the walker before she actually saw me . Her face lit up and she said she was thrilled to see me . " I haven 't seen you in such a long time , " she exclaimed , a big smile on her face . The four of us started for the dining room . and unhesitatingly , she pushed the walker without a comment . The aids left us in the dining room and I was helping her with the menu . She was still glowing at " finally " seeing me . When she asked " how 's Mom ? " I realized she didn 't have a clue who I was . I asked her if she knew who I was and then she looked confused . I finally told her who I was . Then she kind of remembered . I asked if she knew who she was and she said " Of course I do . " I asked what her name was and she didn 't know . When I told her it was Mildred she made a face and said that was a silly name . About that time , I remembered I had a little digital tape recorder with me and I started it and put it on the table . I 've been meaning to tape a conversation for some time now . This was the PERFECT day to do this . She never noticed it was there . When I turned away to look at the menu for her and then turned back , she had passed out again , her head resting on the table . The server asked if I wanted him to call an aid and I told him no . I got her awake again and , as usual , she awoke with a start and had to orient herself as to where she was . The strange thing was that she wasn 't upset or anxious , but it was as if most of her brain had been wiped almost clean . She didn 't remember anything . About anything . It didn 't bother her , like it usually does , but she asked a lot of questions and I kept filling her in on parts of her life . Every so often she would marvel that the brain is so strange that it won 't let you remember things . She never remembers that she has great grandchildren , but today she didn 't even remember grandchildren ( and she always remembers them ) . The names Tom , Ned and Jeri were familiar to her , but she couldn 't picture them . I found pictures in my cell phone , but that didn 't help . At one point I missed Peach and Kathy so much . We were talking about her siblings and she asked me if she had any . I told her she had six sisters and three brothers . Then I started to name them . Now , Marie is her second oldest sister and was married and out of the house long before my mother was born . They never had much of a relationship and my mother told me on several occasions over the years that she really was always afraid of Marie . Even as a young woman , Marie was pretty large and I can imagine that she was scary to little kids , especially since she was an alcoholic and who knows what she was like when she came home drunk . I started at the low end of the siblings and mentioned Marge and Barb , the two sisters she was closest to throughout her life , and Paul and Betsy . . . saying the names slowly to let her think about each one . Then I mentioned Jim and Scotty and then Marie and Mel . When I got to Marie 's name , she waved and said " oh you can leave Marie out of the list . " She can 't remember her own name but remembered that she never liked Marie ! I so much wanted to share that with Peach and Kathy who , along with my mother , would be the only ones who would have realized how funny that really was . She had a bowl of soup and some ice cream and I got a really good recording of our conversation , which I stopped when we left the dining room . When she got up , I told her to get her walker , which she did without complaint and pushed it all the way back to her apartment ( I had to show her where her apartment was ) . I think this " wiping the brain clean " erased her memory of how much she hated walkers and when the aids got her into hers , she just accepted it as the way things are now . It will be interesting to see how things are tomorrow . We sat and talked for awhile . I mentioned something about my father and she said " I was married to him , wasn 't I ? " When I told her that yes , she was she said " I really miss him . " Then I told her that no , she probably didn 't miss him but missed her second husband , Fred . She was a bit vague on Fred and couldn 't picture him in her mind ( which made me sad , because she loved him so much ) . She asked me several times if she had done anything in her life and I enumerated things that she had done ( she had no memory of my sister , except , when hearing that she died many years ago , she said " that must make you sad . " ) I told her about her career with the Bank of America , which she can 't remember , and the years that she volunteered at Hospice of Marin and how much she was loved by people . That seemed to make her happy . Though she can 't remember any of those things , she was glad to hear that she had accomplished things in her life and that people liked her . As I was leaving , I realized that she had not ONCE mentioned any pain ! ! ! What 's more , she wasn 't moving as if she was in pain either . Maybe the new medication is finally working . I asked her if she hurt , and no , she didn 't hurt . I was specific . Did her back hurt ? No . Did her leg hurt ? Yes . Did her stomach hurt ? No . Turns out it was an anxiety day . She doesn 't know where she is , where she is supposed to be going , what she was supposed to be doing . We have this conversation almost every day . I tried again going through the " this is your home , you have nothing specific to do , just put on your pants and we can go to lunch . " She tried to put on her shoes . I suggested she should put on pants before her shoes . She said again she didn 't know what to do or where to go . I expressed my frustration saying I knew how scary this was for her , but that there was nothing I could do for her . That I 'd tried to answer her questions , but she didn 't understand . Now , I know that this sort of thing is common with dementia , the anger and turning on loved ones , but it hadn 't happened to me yet and I was in tears when I left ( slamming the door behind me ) . I stopped at the office and talked with Brianna , who is in charge of her physical health at Atria . I told her I wasn 't upset with Atria , but I just had to vent . I told her what had happened , and broke down crying . She was wonderfully understanding . I 'm sure she gets this all the time . We talked for a long time and she gave me a report on how my mother was doing in general , on the dinners she had seen her eating with her friend Loretta , how she sometimes sees her wandering around the hall by herself , so I know that she 's doing OK - - and that they are keeping a careful eye on her . So I 'm not really worried for her . We 've been through these " anxiety days " before , but it 's so frustrating to be unable to bring her any peace . . . or , for that matter , pain relief . I asked about whether they had been using the Lidocaine cream I got on Friday and had rushed through getting a prescription for , even though it is not a prescription med . My mother doesn 't remember anybody putting cream on her back ( but I never take her word for anything ) . Brianna told me one reason they haven 't used it is that the medication I was given by the pharmacy is Lidocaine RECTAL cream ! This is for rubbing on the skin of her back . I came home and wrote to her doctor , who has read the e - mail , but has not answered yet . Though I felt better after talking with Brianna , I still had a little cry when I got into the car . Then I called Walt to report what had happened , and I sent a text message to Jeri and Ned . Jeri said she called her grandmother after my text , but there was no answer . I thought about him today as I sat in my chair . I wasn 't at the depths , but was definitely affected by mother 's anger at me for the first time in my life that I remember ! It hurt first when she asked for someone else in the family to talk to , because obviously I was no help to her at all , and then throwing me out of the apartment and telling me not to come back . I have not seen my mother most of this week . Well , that 's not true . I 've seen her twice , once on Monday , when I got there at 1 and found her sound asleep and just dropped off her laundry and left , and once on Wednesday when I went for lunch , got there at 11 , stayed for an hour and then left because she was still sleeping . I figured if she was deeply asleep , given how many nights of insomnia she has had over the past months , I should let her sleep . [ laundry note - - today it was 3 days since I left her laundry for her and I found the bag stuck in a corner , still full of clean laundry . Since she was out of underwear , I don 't know what she has been wearing ! ] Her stepson Ed went to see her while I was working at Logos and texted that he wanted to talk with me , so I called last night . He said he arrived at Atria at 11 and she was asleep . He also said that it looked like it was last night 's dinner that was cold on the counter in the kitchen ( which meant that ( a ) she did not eat last night , and ( b ) nobody checked on her in the morning . ) He reported that she says she can 't eat anything because it makes her vomit , though he could not see any sign of that . we are taking Mildred to meals as she allows us . This week though she has refused to go to eat and is requesting trays . When the trays arrive she will look at it and push it away . Mildred is wanting to sleep more and her back is in pain . The walker she refuses to use most of the time . I have not heard anything regarding vomit or nausea only the back pain . I have noticed it is more difficult to walk as she says she is in extreme pain . Are you opposed to discussing a smaller environment like our LG neighborhood ? ( memory care ) ? I called Kaiser and found out her doctor had no available appointments on Friday , but they managed to get her an appointment with another doctor . It was a 10 : 40 appointment and that meant I would have to wake her up , which I did . She did not want to go to the doctor , but under duress agreed . She even agreed to my pushing her in a wheelchair out to the car so she didn 't have to walk the hall . She asked me every five minutes what we were going to tell the doctor . When the doctor came in and asked my other what the problem is , she turned to me and said " I don 't know . What is it ? " When asked if she had back pain she neither had back pain nor did she remember ever having it . She ultimately said that oh sure , sometimes her back hurts , but it 's not bad . Arrrggggghhhhhh . Fortunately the doctor asked her to lie down on the exam table and when lying down she grimaced and said it hurt . She pointed out to the doctor ( at my insistence ) where it was hurting . Then when she went to sit up again , the pain doubled her over . FINALLY ! ! ! ! I don 't want my mother to hurt , of course , but finally a doctor has gotten a taste of the real pain she is suffering . She suggested physical therapy which I would have suggested weeks ago , but her regular doctor never brought it up . I also asked about a pain patch ( which Melissa at Atria had suggested ) . She agreed that also might be a good idea ( also nothing her regular doctor recommended ) . So we have a first appointment for physical therapy later this month and we went to the pharmacy to get her " patch " only it turned out to be a cream , not a patch . . . and not a cream that needed a prescription . While we were leaving the exam room , my mother told me that the pain was running up and down her leg . I repeat . . . ARRRGGGHHHHH ! When we headed back to her apartment , she was in great pain and she was kind of holding onto the railing on the left side of the hall and I pointed out that if she kind of leaned on it , it could take the pressure off of her back and she would have less pain . She agreed and immediately let go of the railing and walked in the middle of the aisle . She really , REALLY doesn 't want to think she needs assistance ! ! ! I keep trying to think what it must be like to be inside her head . When we got back today , she sat in her chair and asked where we were going next . I told her I was going home and that she was going to stay there . " Is this my home ? " she asked I told her it was . She looked around and said she didn 't recognize anything , but when I pointed out the flowers she always tells me she loves many times while I 'm visiting , she thought she remembered them . I can 't imagine how terrifying it must be to never be sure where you are , to never recognize anything around you . My heart aches for her . This evening , we received e - mail from Marta asking about Thanksgiving plans . I hadn 't thought of that holiday looming ( plus Christmas ) and I realized that I am so depressed about what is going on with my mother that I can 't even begin to think about the holidays . My mother won 't realize it is a holiday , but if we do nothing with / for her , she will get her feelings hurt , but I am remembering our attempt to bring her Thanksgiving last year and the whole idea of having us there for the holiday made her sick to her stomach , so we ended up having an impromptu Thanksgiving dinner here instead . I just want someone else to decide what , if anything , we are going to do . I can 't even begin to think about planning a holiday right now . I got to Atria and found her sitting in the walker out in front of her apartment . I think she might have locked herself out and since the walker was there in the hall , she sat in it . I didn 't comment on it and just opened the door and we went in . When we left , she opened the door , saw the walker and asked if it was mine . I didn 't make a big deal out of it , just said that she had been sitting in it earlier and that it belonged to Atria . She said nothing . |
Feliz , Dia de los muertos . . . Okay , some people don 't use the " los " in the greeting , but that is how I learned it . . . It goes along so well with Halloween and All Saints Day that I wanted to include it . I hope you all had a great Halloween - we did . The day was a little busy at first with taking care of a few chores around the house and then Jason wanting to get over to the Men 's Warehouse . He has a tux that needs to be altered for a black tie event that we 're gong to next month . He purchased the tux there so they will make the alterations . The challenge is that his arms have really gotten pretty big and he can just get the jacket on . The tailor came out and measured him and marked the jacket and said he cam make some adjustments , but wasn 't to sure how much he could improve the sleeves , since there isn 't much ' extra ' material there . Jason took it in stride and basically said , " Okay , we 'll see what it looks like when done . " After that we headed back home to get some lunch and to get some final touches on things prior to taking the girls out for Halloween . Linda had gone over to pick them up from school , and they will be with us for the next five days , and right now they were laying down for their nap . Stacy decided on her Dorthy ( Wizard of Oz ) costume and Jackie stayed with her Hello Kitty costume . Both of them looked great , and were very excited to be going out . Of course we had to have dinner first , and that was probably the most difficult thing the girls had to do . Other kids were already coming to the door while they were eating , and I think it only increased their excitement . Once we were headed out , Jason and I walked with the girls around to several of the houses , here in the base housing , and they ended up with a bunch of candy . We were surprised with Stacy said she was done and wanted to go back home and pass out candy with Grandma . Jackie wasn 't quite done , but was happy to be walking around still , so we turned and headed back , and Jackie was still able to knock on doors . We were back at the house by about 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) and after walking in we didn 't get anymore trick - or - treating kids coming by . They start early and apparently finish early . I don 't think we saw many kids out , who didn 't have a parent with them , and most of the kids in the area were from other military families . Next year we 'll be looking to go through another neighborhood , and learning new neighbors . Linda has already begun decorating the house , in her mind , so I expect to have a great time , even better than this year . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was quite the exciting day - First it started out with me attempting to get in a nice bike ride , and I did manage to get in about 12 . 5 miles . The challenge with the ride was that I felt like I hit nearly every red light on the course and for whatever reason the crazies were out in force , in their cars . I spent about as much time on the 12 . 5 mile ride as I would if it had been over 15 miles . After the ride Linda had to get to a doctor appointment , and that was about the smoothest thing that happened today . Linda got to the doctor 's office , almost exactly when the appointment was supposed to be and within a few minutes she was in with the doctor . The visit didn 't last long and we were back on our way back to the house . We were both thinking about the luncheon with the Nice Guys and both looked at the radio clock at about the same moment . It was one of those moments when you both start talking about the same thing at the same time - nice to know we think similarly . She called Jason to ask him to start getting ready , so that we could get going shortly after we got home . We arrived at the house and I immediately grabbed the vacuum , so that I could clean out the dog hair in the back seat . We wanted to have the truck looking nice , since it was the Nice Guys who were able to assist and make Jason getting this truck a reality . We then drove through a car wash , and from there on to the restaurant . We had a great time at the restaurant , and it was fabulous finally getting to meet the Nice Guys members , and for Jason to be able to thank them personally . We left the restaurant feeling good and feeling full . Finally back at the house , Linda and I decide to walk over to Target - it is about a mile from here , and we needed to walk off a little of the meal . On the way back we stopped at the " Family Fun Day " that was going on here , at the Gate Way , and looked around a bit . It was something they had done for the kids in the military housing , and I think they did a good job of it . The rest of the evening was spent at the house , where we had a nice simply dinner and Linda and I watched Brave Heart ( for about the 6th time ) . I was amazed . . . it still ended the same way . . . ; - ) Thank you , for all the support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . November is just around the corner and that means the holidays . I know , some of you are already in that mode , but for me , it has to be November before I can start to think of them . Today also marks the end of the baseball season - completely , with the end of the World Series . Most of you already know I am a Giants fan , so I 'm pretty happy about the end results for this year . I have to say , though , that the Royals were nearly there , instead of the Giants . Both teams played well , and it was an exciting series this year . Today we saw the girls off to their school , and we won 't see them again for a couple of days . This is going to be a little strange for us , since they have been with us for 16 days straight . They will be back though , in a couple of days and staying with us again , for five days . I am happy to say that they seem to be adjusting to the changes to the schedule and are very happy , Linda has all their Halloween costumes ready and even if they should make a last minute change , she will be able to adjust . Jason went to a Wound Care appointment today , and it was good . They are very pleased with the way the wounds are doing , and it seems the prognosis is continuing to be positive . The challenge is that we do have some things coming up , along with his appointments , and the more active he gets , the more there seems to be set backs with the healing . We 're just going to have to be balancing the social interactions with the activities and not allow it to get out of control . Not much else going on right now , other than Jason , Linda and I heading to a Nice Guys luncheon tomorrow , so he can thank them in person , for the truck . It is also going to give us chance to actually see , face - to - face who these folks are , and to get some pictures . I suspect that it is going to be a good time . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another busy day , and just a bit more productive this time . The morning started off pretty much like the other mornings , with us getting the girls up and off to school . The difference being that Linda and I were both doing our best to get some exercise in , as we 've found that it really does make us feel better , and what the heck . . . it 's healthier . Jason had an appointment with the folks at Physical Therapy ( at Balboa ) , and he worked with Mike . He also did a number of exercises on his own , and stayed very busy during that hour ( more like 75 minutes actually ) . Afterward we headed off to the Ability Center and Jason was able to pick up his truck . There is an inherit problem with the contact switch , so he will have to remember to insure the door is closed and that once closed , nothing hit the handle . He 's talking about putting a sign on the door to discourage other folks from attempting to open it from the out side . The folks at the dealership ( Chevy ) said that about the only thing that can be done is to disconnect the switch , but then that would pose a number of other issues and reduce the safety factor . He will just live with it , as it is , for now . This evening , and tonight we had baseball food for dinner ( hot dogs ) and the girls were very happy to have them . The only problem was that the Giants were not cooperative , and started out very poorly . Funny how one day the team can be hot , and then the next day it would be amazing to see a single hit come out of them . . . and don 't get me started on pitching . Anyway , we 're ready to continue to watch the game another day , and then we can really appreciate the level of effort of both teams . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayer . Take care and stay positive . Busy day today , and it was the kind of busy where you 're moving all the time , but it doesn 't feel like you 're getting much done . We got the girls up and to school on time and then the day went a little crazy . First we had to get Jason 's truck down to the Ability Center to get a warning light adjusted - it kept indicating the door was ajar , when it was completely closed , and it was on the side where Jason gets in . We had to drive two vehicles because we didn 't know what was going to be happening , and it was good that we did because the truck spent the day there and is still there ( we pick it up in the morning ) . After dropping it off Jason wanted to get over to So Call Guns , and look at some of the equipment there , and normally that 's just fine . Today , though , I had made plans to get up to Anthony Netto 's and help him with his Quick Books , and to get some things in order . That meant Jason 's visit to So Cal was cut short . I ended up taking Jason back home and Linda was getting ready to take off for her errands , and Jason was left at the house with Gracie . That 's okay , though as he is getting around much better now and can take care of a few things on his own now . While I was up at Anthony 's and we were going over a bunch of business stuff , I received a call from Linda and she asked me where I was . It was about 13 : 25 when she called and asked if I had forgotten about taking Jason to his 14 : 00 ( 2 pm ) appointment . It was still in my head that he had his truck and I didn 't need to take him , and Linda reminded me the truck was in the shop . Also , Stacy needed to be picked up at the same time . We decided that Linda was going to take Jason to his appointment and I would just have to get back down to Stacy 's school as quickly as I could , though I ended up being about 20 minutes late ( and by the way , Linda had just come back from her errands so she didn 't get her lunch - so neither of us are eating ) . As I said , I managed to get back and picked up Stacy , and about 30 minutes later I was back to pick up Jackie . Just a few minutes later Linda and Jason returned from his appointment . Now we needed to turn back around and get Stacy out to her appointment , and again , Jason was going to be left at the house , as for him to come back out with us would have been a very long day for him to be up in his chair . Linda and I took both Jackie and Stacy , and then after the appointment we went to Chili 's for dinner . Jason had sent me a text letting me know that the freeways were reporting big accidents so it was probably better for us to get something to eat , rather than just sit in traffic . We finally almost got back home and Jason asked us to stop and pick up some Taco Bell for him . By the time we walked into the house , I was pretty tired . The girls were tired too , until they saw their Frozen costumes for Halloween sitting on the couch . Once that happened they wanted to dress up and Stacy even did a performance for us , and sang Let It Go - she did a pretty good job of it , too . They 're in bed now , and I 'm thinking I 'm going to be headed that way soon . Tomorrow should be a little less crazy , but we 'll see . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a pretty amazing day , and it wasn 't because the Giants won their 3rd game of the World Series , though that was pretty good . It was because we got up in the morning and got the girls ready to go to church , after breakfast . I know that sounds pretty normal , but another thing was also going on , and that was Jason was getting ready to go off and have a lunch meeting with some friends . This was the first time for Jason to venture out , on his own and go to a " social " engagement without me or Linda tagging along . That is pretty amazing , in my eyes , and he had a good time . He went out at a little before noon , which means Jason did not go to church with the rest of us . That 's okay , as he was out socializing with some of his friends from when he was stationed in Okinawa . Linda and I , along with both Stacy and Jackie , got back to the house about 12 : 10 , and Jason was gone . We fixed lunch for us and made ready for the girls to go take a short rest ( actually they just sort of laid down in their room and rested , but I don 't think they ever slept ) . Linda and I took care of a few other things and I even took a short nap . Jason got back to the house at about 14 : 20 ( 2 : 20 pm ) or so , and he looked pretty good and was in high spirits . I think the opportunity to meet up with his friends was something he couldn 't pass up , and the benefit was excellent . I hope there are other opportunities like this in the future . The rest of the day was relaxed , though we did go to Costco - and it was packed . I thought that with the football games going it would have been slower in business , but it wasn 't . We came back from Costco and put everything away and then shortly after that Linda made dinner , while I turned on the World Series . It was a good game and Madison Bumgarner was absolutely commanding with his pitching . The rest of the evening was pretty much as it always is , and we even managed to get the girls to bed right on time , with me reading a couple of stories ( of their selection ) . About the last thing I did tonight was to help Jason with his shower , while Linda took care of some laundry . That was the end of the day , and we felt pretty good about it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up this morning and I went for a short bike ride . First ride in several weeks - well a few days ago I did get out and rode 2 1 / 2 miles , but I don 't count that as a ride , since I had to turn around and get back to the hospital , to pick up Jason ( he was literally done 2 hours earlier than originally planned ) . Anyway , I got out for a 10 mile ride and it felt good , and when I returned to the house the girls were up and in watching cartoons with Daddy . I think Jason looks forward to Saturday mornings as much as the girls do . By the time we arrived there were very few parking places left , and it was quite crowded . Funny thing is , I had not heard of it before , and now it looks like we 're already making plans to go next year . There were all kinds of things for the girls to do , and there was even a booth from Rudolph and Sletten ( I worked for them from 2005 to 2008 ) . I didn 't know any of the guys there , but it was still fun to see them . We stayed for a couple hours then Jason needed to get back to the house . I took him back and left Linda and the girls there , so they could enjoy a couple of other things , like the pony ride . We were all back at the house by 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) or maybe a few minutes after . After lunch Jason wanted to head out and get over to Sprint . I needed to take care of some business too , so he and I went together . They were very busy so we ended up just waiting around for a while and then that gave Jason some time to look around . He found a new " toy " to play with , and ended up purchasing a remote controlled robot thing ( not sure what else to call it ) that he could control from his phone . He was having a great time with it , after it got it home . Finally the rest of the day was wearing on and then it was dinner time . We had dinner and then I turned on the World Series and suffered through the first few innings and loved the last several . The Giants were all over the Royals , and they have now tied up the series 2 - 2 . I do believe that this might go the full seven games , and that 's okay by me . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers - Take care and stay positive . Yesterday and today were nice and relaxed and we 're all doing well . Jason 's wounds continue to improve , and I think a big part of that is that he is staying down and not allowing things to get in the way of his healing . We have some events coming up in the next several weeks and I think he is wanting to be as healed as possible so that he can enjoy being out and with people . Another thing is that for about 10 days now the girls have been with us , and I think that has been beneficial for him as well . I have been busy with Stand Up and Play , or I guess I should say Stand UP USA , since that is where I am actually putting most of my effort . The good news is that most of that work is done and from here on out it should flow much more smoothly , and with that I can get back to my bike riding . In fact I have already made plans to go for a short ride tomorrow . I want it to be a short ride so that I can build back up again . The other good thing is that Linda continues to stay focused on her health plan and is eating right and exercising regularly . She is feeling much better . . . and that makes me feel better . We let the girls stay up a little later tonight , since tomorrow is Saturday , and the World Series was down to the last couple innings . The only problem with that was that the Giants didn 't prevail . When the girls did go to bed they informed me that they were having a slumber party - just the two of them - and that was okay by us . We are so happy that they are happy and energetic , and they always make it a point to go in and say good night to their daddy . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . We had a nice day today , and about the only update for today is that we had a meeting about Jason 's home , and things are progressing . We still don 't have a solid date for when the house will be completed , or even started for that matter , though progress is being made . As more develops I will be providing you all , more information . The rest of the day is basically taking care of business and keeping our focus on Jason 's healing . He is doing well , though there does seem to be an issue with the SP catheter . We 'll be going in tomorrow to have them take a look at it . We don 't think it is anything serious , just that every now and then it feels uncomfortable for Jason . During the procedure Jason requested it changed out , and they did , now he has moments of discomfort . . . something wasn 't set right . We 're getting closer to Halloween , and the girls are getting more excited about it . They have asked both Linda and I , multiple times , what we 're going to be for Halloween . I keep telling them I 'm going to be dressed as a grandpa , but they don 't like that answer . Jackie wants me to be Superman and Linda is to be Wonder Woman . Ahh , kids . . . Thanks , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A relatively busy day for me , as Jason had to get into Balboa this morning for a procedure ( laser ) , and before I could get that done , Linda and I had to get the girls to school . Actually , when I woke up this morning I fell victim to the morning being later for a sunrise . I woke up and thought it was earlier than it was . I intended to get up and head over to the gym to get a little bit of a workout in , since I had not been doing much lately . I got out of bed and headed over to the bathroom , and looked at the clock . It was already 06 : 35 , and that meant we needed to get going anyway . So much for the morning work out . We got the girls up and going , and after breakfast , off to school . Linda and I walked back to the house , and that was about the only real " alone " time that the two of us had . It was kind of nice just walking back together , though both of us were going about 90 mph in our heads . I needed to get Jason to Balboa by 08 : 30 , and as it turned out we made it , in time . . . sort of . We got to the gate and that means we 're subject to the same delays everybody else is . If there is a vehicle ahead of you , and the guard wants to talk with them , then you just have to wait . Unfortunately , for us , there were two such issues , and that in turn made us a little late . Fortunately , it was only a little late , and everything else went as needed and planned . The procedure lasted for about an hour , and the doctors were very pleased with everything . Jason 's left side is just about closed , and the right side is doing much better . With this treatment we are hopeful that the skin will be durable enough to take the pressure and the wounds will close for good . All of us will be very happy about that situation . Jason and I got back home and then there was the need to go pick up Stacy , and an hour later to pick up Jackie . At about 15 : 00 ( 3pm ) the new support person showed up at the house , and she seemed like she really wants to do a good job . The problem is that the company she works for did not bother to call us to tell us she was on her way . Again , we managed to get through this interrupt and both girls were home with enough time to get Stacy over to her doctor appointment . Tomorrow should be a bit easier , but I 'll just have to wait and see . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Wow , just to think , this month is almost over , and that will bring us to the final two months of the year . . . and that 'll take us to 2015 ! That is an amazing thought as those of you who remember Marty and Doc , and their travels through 2015 . We should have flying cars in the next couple of weeks , I guess . Anyway , today has been a nice day . We got up and we got ready for church . Actually , it was more like the girls came up to our room ( we sleep upstairs , like it is almost a separate apartment ) and jumped on us , just to see if we were awake , I guess . Jackie was up first and then Stacy came up a short while after . They love to play on the bed , with the two of us still trying to wake up , and hoping they will retreat back down to their own room - but that never happens . Linda usually gets up first , as the girls are usually sitting on top of me , or even jumping on me . They followed grandma down stairs and I started to move . Within a matter of a half an hour I was making breakfast , or something like it , and then we all got ready for church . Jason wasn 't going with us , as he doesn 't want to move any more than he has to . We went to church and enjoyed the fellowship there , and found out they had a pancake breakfast going on after church . Of course the girls wanted to see what it was , since this also meant there were no doughnuts today . We ended up have a " second " breakfast , and it was pretty good . . . then we went home . About the most stressful thing that happened today was working with Sprint , and their " customer support " team . I always enjoy trying to communicate with someone who does not speak English very well , and then half way through a sentence they hung up on me . I wasn 't even yelling at them . . . yet . I have come to the conclusion that perhaps we should have stayed with AT & T . At least I knew how they worked . The rest of the day was fun and we all were having a great time at the house . I didn 't even stop to watch the 49er - Bronco game . I did catch a few updates along the way , and I think it is probably better that I didn 't watch it . . . 49ers lost . Linda gave the girls a bath and then it was time for bed . Tomorrow Jason has an appointment with Dermatology , where they are going to be doing the laser treatment and then the filoplast treatment . My guess is that it will take a few hours , so I 'm not sure how the rest of the day will go , but I 'm sure it will be good . Things are moving in a positive direction and this can only be a positive affect , so I 'm all for that . I 'll let you all know tomorrow how it came out . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . As you may have noticed , I am starting to back off the daily posts , simply because I don 't feel there is a great deal to post about . Like yesterday - it was a good day , and we did have some general fun around the house , but not much to write about . I did grill some burgers , and just as I was finishing the cooking we ran out of fuel for the grill - but that really isn 't too exciting . The food was done and they tasted pretty good . Today wasn 't much different , though I did get in a short bike ride - and that was the first ride in several days ( a few weeks ? ) . I am still recovering from whatever it was that hit me , and I just really wanted to get out on my bike for a little ride . I went about 7 1 / 2 miles , and didn 't go too far from the house . I felt pretty good afterward , and surprised myself in that I wasn 't sweating too much . The rest of the day was again spent around the house for the most part , and just relaxing and doing some of the things that need to get done . Linda did take the girls to Lakeshore , to check out a few things , and to do some window shopping . Jackie was having a little challenge with all the great things and wanted to take all of it home . She was a little upset when told she could buy everything in the store . . . ahh , the life of a four year old . I made some popcorn for everybody , and we all watched a movie . Actually , the movie was Frozen , and we 've seen it a few dozen times , but the girls enjoyed it just the same . My guess is that about the only thing we 'll do tomorrow is go to church , and maybe do some clean up around the house . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I 'm feeling much better today , and I can say that after a good rest tonight , I should be back to just about 100 % . That means I might even want to see if I can get back on the bike , and get going again . I am so glad to have the awful feeling go away - well , at least most of it . The doctors said that the numbness may linger on for a while longer or may not go away at all . I guess they 're hedging their bets , so - to - speak , because they aren 't sure what it is . You just got ' a love the world of medicine . Today was a nice relaxed day , with Jason and I going in to Balboa Hospital to get a prescription going and to visit with a couple of the medical teams . There is going to be another procedure done on Jason , on the 20th , and he wanted to be sure he had all the right things taken care of . He could have done it via the phone , but being there , face - to - face is always better , if you have the time . The funny part is that we got to the base and realized we had transferred all the placards to the truck , and we were now in the van . I had to go up to the drop off area and let Jason out , and then go park in the regular parking . That 's where it got really strange . . . Traffic has slowed significantly in the past few weeks , and there were a couple of regular parking places available , relatively close to where Jason was dropped . I was totally surprised , and VERY happy . The visit didn 't take too long , and we were back home before 11 : 00 . Jason was hungry , so I fixed him something to eat and then went up to take care of my email . Linda saw us come back early , and that allowed her to take care of a few other things , and also to get some needed rest . She has been working too hard lately , and now that we have the girls for the next couple of weeks she will be working even more . The girls wouldn 't be back at the house for several hours , and I had stuff to keep me busy so I told her she could get some rest , and she did ( I was happy ) . The rest of the day was relaxed , very much the way we needed it to be . Joselyn came over for a visit , and to catch up with Linda , and then even went with Linda to pick up the girls . Tonight I fixed a nice dinner for everybody and then we finished the day by watching the Giants win the Pendant for the NLCS . I have to admit , I thought St . Louis was going to take this one , but Linda told me that the Giants would win , then the boys came through in the end . Stacy even informed me that she still wants to be a cheer leader for the Giants , and how come they don 't already have some . A few years down the road and I guess we 'll be petitioning the Giants to allow her to become their official cheer leader . The game ended real close to their regular bed time , so it all worked out very well . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The crazy schedules seem to be continuing for us . Jason had an appointment with the VA today , so we went in at about 10 : 00 this morning . This , in and of itself is no big deal . What happened is that we were contacted by Urology , and they wanted to also meet with Jason , at close to 14 : 00 ( 2pm ) . This gave us time to get lunch , and then make it to the appointment , so that 's what we did and didn 't go very far away from the hospital . The appointment was very thorough and the doctors ( there were three of them ) all seemed very interested in finding ways to help Jason . The idea is to allow him to get away from the suprapubic catheter , and to find something that is less irritating to the body . My guess is this line of investigation is going to continue on for several more months . With the appointments being as they are , it provided time for Gracie and I to just sit back and wait . . . the challenge with this is that I really can 't afford to just wait . Anyway , we were on our way back home after the initial visit , and more visits are on their way . The cool thing for today is that the Giants won the play off game with the Cardinals , and now lead the series 3 to 1 . I got to watch most of the game today , and it was very exciting . Tomorrow there is going to be yet another game , and we 'll probably get a chance to watch that one as well . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I guess I 'm probably back to about 95 % and should be back to normal tomorrow . I got up this morning , feeling pretty poorly , and fortunately that only lasted for about an hour or so . I was thinking that I was suffering a relapse and going the wrong way with the healing , and then started to feel better . by the middle of the morning I was doing okay , but feeling a bit weak and awkward . As the day progressed I gained more strength and stability and was playing with the grand kids by this evening ( not too much , but much more than in the past several days ) . Jason is feeling pretty good , and his wounds are looking better again , with the left side almost back to where it was a couple of weeks ago . The real positive is the right side continues to progress , and is much better than it was a few weeks ago . We didn 't have any medical appointments today , but will be looking at a couple with the VA tomorrow . A real special happening for today was that Linda got to ride in Jason 's new truck . We went to Costco and Jason drove ( I rode in the back seat with Gracie ) . We didn 't spend too much , so I was happy , too . Not much other stuff going on around here , other than regular chores and stuff like that . Linda was having fun with the girls , as they get more and more excited about Halloween . Linda has helped them get into , and out of their costumes a few times , and they both look great . We are now beginning to look at things with Jason 's future house , for his interior , and I think this is going to be one of those areas that Linda really enjoys . Finally , it was a very close game , and everything that makes baseball special to me - and to have the Giants win today made it an even better game . Both Stacy and Jackie watched the game with us , and told us that they want to go to a Giants game , so we 're going to try for next year . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up this morning , very early , as I still wasn 't sleeping well through the night . Because of how I have been dealing with this intestinal infection / virus , it has really been starting to get to Linda . I finally agreed to call the V . A . hotline ( 24 - hour Nurse support ) , and I figured I 'd end up getting an appointment set for Tuesday or something . Well , there was a new development with my symptoms , a sort of a numbness on parts of my back and left side , and even down my triceps on my left arm . When I began talking about this the nurse immediately thought I had either experienced a stroke of some kind , or was in the midst of having one . She insisted that I get down to the VA hospital as quickly as possible ( she quickly determined that if we drove it would be faster than taking an ambulance ) . Linda was getting ready to go work out on the elliptical so it really didn 't take long for us to get out of the house and down the road . Jason was feeling pretty good and knew he would be able to take care of himself , at least for a few hours . We arrived at the ER of the VA Hospital and they quickly took me in ( the phone nurse had called ahead ) and that is when the exams and testing and X - rays began . I was fortunate to have a more senior nurse as my care giver , as she was able to put an IV in with little discomfort . I felt like the drew about a full unit of blood for the lab work . I was to go through several exams , and be sent to the radiation area for several pictures , and while all this took a great deal of time Linda was able to go take care of some other things that were still hanging out there . Jackie needed to go to her speech therapy , and then back to school , and later both girls would be getting out of school and Linda was supposed to pick them up . Needless to say , Linda drove back and forth a great deal today , and we were able to make all the correct times and appointments . Jason was even able to head over to Target , by himself , and that proved to be an adventure in itself ( perhaps I will go into it tomorrow ) . The day was finally over at about 16 : 00 ( pm ) , and Linda came back to pick me up . One of the more interesting , funny , sad things to happen was that two of the doctors who came in to examine me , asked if I had been to Africa recently . I guess the Ebola issue is worry more and more of the medical community , especially when a patient comes in with something they can 't figure out . They finally sent me on my way with some medication and instructions to monitor a couple of areas , and watch for specific rashes . There is a chance that what has happened is that early on - set shingles has raised its head . Anyway , I 'm doing okay right now and we 're getting ready to get to bed . Jason had a great day and Linda spent the day as a shuttle service as well as helping me get through the day , as best she could . Thank you , all , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Better day for me , today . It started out a little bumpy and I nearly went in to the ER , as I was feeling very poorly . Fortunately , I began feeling a bit better once I started moving around a little , though it wasn 't until several hours later than I felt significantly better . I am still focusing on clear liquids , as my stomach is not back to its normal self , and I figure I 'll need to take it easy tomorrow , then I 'll be as good as new . Jason had a day of spending most of his time in bed , and that was what I was hoping for , yet I was a bit disappointed to see the wounds on the left have expanded some . It is very frustrating to see this when the treatment is basically the same , with regular visits to Wound Care , and activity has been kept to a minimum . The right side , however , seems to be doing better and that is a good thing , I 'd just like to see the left side close up . Otherwise , Jason is doing well and in very good and positive spirits . There are no appointments tomorrow , as the government recognizes Columbus Day as a holiday , so we will simply be staying at home , other than a trip to the store ( Costco ? ) to pick up some needed supplies . We also get the girls tomorrow , and they will be with us for the next couple of weeks . Their mother is going into the hospital and will need some recovery time . She has asked Jason to take care of them during that period . Not much else to blog about today - Linda stayed busy with general clean up and organizational stuff , so that we can get rid of some old boxes of stuff . She has been working some extra duty , with me being sick , so I appreciate all she has done . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I slightly better day for me , as I continue to fight the bug that seems to have landed in my belly . I called the 24 - hour Nurse Hot Line and we talked for about 30 minutes , or so . She said it is likely not the flu but more of a intestinal virus , and suggested that there are a few things I could do . I followed her advice and within about eight hours I was feeling a bit better , and then it progressed upward from there . That conversation took place at about 02 : 00 this morning . I still didn 't get much sleep the rest of the night , but was able to catch up on some later this morning and into the afternoon . Now , with the day over , I 'm feeling much better , and on top of that the Giants won over St . Louis . Bumgarner was pitching , and he has been awesome all year and now well into the playoffs . Jason rested for most of the day , and Linda worked on things around the house . Jason did have visitors , while I was resting . I did get a chance to get up and say , " Hi ! " but I didn 't visit much , as I was still looking pretty bad . It was good to see folks coming to spend a little time with Jason , as I am sure he gets tired of seeing us all the time . His wounds continue to confound us , as the one on the left looked like it was going to finally close up and now it opened a bit more . Jason has not been up too much , so I don 't know what happened to cause that set back , but it is something we deal with . Tonight was relaxed and restful . Linda prepared a nice chicken meal for Jason . I had a bowl of soup and she had her diet prepared food . Tomorrow should be a good day all the way around , and I am looking forward to getting out a little and possibly a run to Costco . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I pretty much stayed away from everyone today , though Linda was brave enough to come spend some time with me . I did find out that what I have is a gastrointestinal virus , but I 'm still going to call it the flu , cause that 's what it feels like . Not sure where it came from , and I don 't have a feel for how long it is going to last , just that it is a real pain . I did get some time to work on a couple of other things , that I have been pushing aside a bit , over these last few weeks . Since I was spending most of my time upstairs I had time to sit at my " desk " and get on the computer ( Desk is in quotes because it is really more of a large shelf , but it works ) . I made a few efforts to lay down and just rest , but wasn 't really successful . I 'm progressively feeling a little better all the time , so I 'm hopeful that by tomorrow I 'll be feeling much better . Linda went with Jason to his appointment today , and I guess it went okay , as they didn 't report anything negative . Because Jason did some driving in his truck we moved the handicap placard to the truck , so when they went to the hospital in the van , they didn 't have it . Basically , Linda had to drop Jason off and then attempt to find a parking place in the garage . It was one of those things that you don 't normally worry about , and if planned for really has little to no affect on the timing . Because it wasn 't caught until the very end it did cause a bit of a scramble at the end . Jason made it on time and Linda was able to park just fine . . . she just had to walk a bit more . Not sure about what is going to be happening tomorrow , other than a possible trip to Costco . We need to pick up a few things , and otherwise just relax a bit . We 'll do some cleaning around the house and maybe put up some Halloween decorations before the girls come back on Monday . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . It has been a good day , and fortunately I was able to relax for most of it . We did have a meeting with the home builders , and things are progressing with Jason 's house . I asked them when they thought , realistically , when the house would be ready for us to move in , and the response was late summer , next year . Still too many variables out there to nail it down any tighter , and I 'm okay with that , I just wanted to know what to expect ( I do wish it was sooner , but I can deal with the time line - I appreciate their honesty ) I am apparently dealing with some sort of flu right now , at least that is what it feels like , I feel pretty good in the morning but as the day wears on I start to wear out . By the end of the day I feel like I 've been beat up or something . Linda is doing a great job of keeping things going , and fortunately , right now the girls are not with us . I have a couple of days to beat this thing . And , Jason is driving now , so if he needs to get to an appointment I don 't necessarily have to drive . Anyway , the day was relaxed and not much to report on . I 'm going to bed and hope to be able to sleep through the night ( I haven 't done that for a couple of days now ) . Jason has one appointment and that is about all . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . What a difference a day makes . Today , Jason had just the one appointment and for the most part he just stayed down . Linda and I took the girls to school this morning , and I guess I could tell a little about their reaction when we got home yesterday . Apparently they didn 't quite understand that we were going to be gone for a couple of days and kept asking Grandma ( Linda ) where Daddy and Grandpa were , or wanting to know when they were going to be coming home . I picked up the girls from school and they were both quite excited to see me , and continued to be when they got back to the house . It always makes Linda and I feel happy when we see the girls jump up on to the bed with their daddy , and they start playing or want him to tell a story . Not sure how long they were there , but it did seem like a little more than usual . The rest of today was definitely more relaxed and Linda and I were able to finish up on some of our personal chores . I woke up this morning with a bid of a soreness in my right elbow , and I give all the credit to trying to learn how to play golf . My guess is that maybe after a few years I might actually learn how to swing a club , and that is okay . I had fun anyway . Tomorrow we have a meeting schedule at about noon , and then we will probably get involved with running around and taking care of a few other things . I want to make sure that Jason gets all the time he needs to relax and recover . His wounds are looking amazingly well , and we 're all happy about that , so we need to make sure that continues . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason and I were invited to head up to Pelican Hill Resort , along with other Wounded Warriors and their caregivers , to attend a long weekend ( Saturday to Tuesday AM ) , and see if we could shoot some clay pigeons and do some golfing . Since neither of us had much experience with either of these , it seemed like a good idea . It was put on by the Carrington Charitable Support Group and the Gary Sinise Foundation , with support of the Veterans Airlift Command . Please go on line and check them all out to learn more about what they do . Who knows , you just might be moved to send a donation their way . Anyway , we left Saturday afternoon , to drive up to Newport Beach area , where Pelican Hill Resort is located , and we stayed until late this morning . What was really cool about this whole thing was that Jason was able to do the driving , with his new truck ( it was just about a 90 minute drive , which is getting real close to his limit of driving - more on that some other time ) . We were not the first to arrive , nor the first to leave , so I guess you 'd have to say we were kind of in the middle . It was great seeing all the folks again , that we hadn 't seen in several months . They live out on the East Coast , so they had to be flown in ( er go , Veteran Airlift Command ) . Some of them basically looked the same , while others had gotten married and all kinds of changes in their lives . The clay shooting was great fun , and I was totally amazed at how well some of those guys were able to shoot . There are a couple of the Warriors there who are quad - amputees , and they were still able to shoot the guns . The range master had managed to put together these systems that allowed them to work the shot guns with their prosthetic devices . I know this won 't be a surprise to some of you , but some of them were better than me . Jason ended up receiving a new shot gun case and an ammunition bag ( to me it looks like a small camera bag ) . We all had a great time , though it was a long day , and I was plum tuckered out . The next day was the golfing , and again all kinds of great things for the guys . We were golfing on a scramble with groups of four golfers . The rules were that no hole was to take more than six shots - if you hit six you simply moved on to the next hole . This helped to keep the game moving along , and everyone was able to get back to their rooms for a couple of hours of rest and clean up . Jason and I were with Anthony Netto , and two other gentleman , one being a golfing magazine editor , so we were actually a group of five . I think that was because we didn 't expect Jason to get beyond the ninth hole , and he actually only made it to the eighth . I left the group at the same time to make sure that Jason got back to the room safely and was comfortable - besides , I wasn 't doing very much to help the group score anyway . It was fun , and today my right arm feels like it had a great workout , and the elbow is soar . There were dinners at the end of each of the days , and the overall focus was not only on the Wounded Warriors , it was also on their caregivers . The one dinner where all the caregivers were recognized was when I missed not having Linda with me the most . Because she was there for the initial gathering and dinner , most of them thought she was going to be with us the entire weekend . They are already working on next year 's event and we have been told we will be there next year . That time Linda will be staying with me , and she can enjoy all the fun ( and get very tired ) . Finally , there was this morning 's breakfast meeting , with all the main people who would be involved with the building of the homes , including Jason 's . We had seen Gary Sinise earlier , but he had to get back to Bethesda , so he wasn 't at this breakfast . It was very rewarding to everyone , to be able to sit down with them and get the chance of this weekend , to get to know them better . We thought they were all great people , with huge hearts , and now we KNOW they are great people with huge hearts . It is good to be back home , and Gracie seems to be feeling much better now . She was having a bit of a difficult time trying to figure out what was going on , yet still managed to sleep like she does , even when there is all the activity going on around her . We left after breakfast , and this is when I guess we had the greatest challenge . Neither of us had any cash , and we wanted to take the toll road ( much faster ) to get back home . We managed to finally find a bank and got the needed cash , and then we were moving on down the road . Again , it took less than 90 minutes to get back home , even with the search for the bank , and then I unloaded the truck . Linda got home ( she had made a quick trip to pick up some things at Target ) about two minutes after we did , and to make the day even better , tonight the Giants won ! Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by Well , it started out today pretty much as most of these days have started out , and that is with Linda and I getting up to get some exercise in . We have not only discovered that exercising and eating better is good for you , we have fully embraced the idea . It is almost as if it is something we have to do now , and when we don 't , we feel a little out of sorts . Actually , I didn 't get to do much exercising this morning , though that was my plan . I ended up getting pulled in to a few things going on with Stand Up and Play , and lost track of time . By the time I realized how late it was , it was too late to get started - - Jason had a couple of appointments he wanted to get to today , and there were other things we ( Linda and I ) needed to get done . The appointments went well , though one of them took a little longer than normal - it wasn 't a VA appointment , so it wasn 't a VERY long time , just longer than usual . Linda needed to get going , as she was taking the girls up to her parents ( Joe and Jess , or as Stacy and Jackie call them : Nana and Tata ) , for the weekend . Jason and I are headed up to Newport Beach to participate in a golf tournament and skeet shooting . This is being put on by Carrington , and they wanted as many of the Wounded Warriors there as could make it . It was decided that because the girls are so young that it wouldn 't be fair to them to bring them along , and that going to Nana and Tata 's would be way more fun . Anyway , Jason and I will be driving up tomorrow sometime , either late morning or early afternoon . The rest of the day seemed kind of strange , to me . I am so used to having Linda and the girls here that with all of them gone ( they left at about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) ) the house is so very quiet . I watched a little baseball , but that was after the Giants had already won their game , so though it was interesting , it wasn 't enough to keep me focused . Jason and I will have to pack up tomorrow morning ( after I do get some exercise in this time ) and then head on out . Jason is going to be driving up in his truck , so that should be kind of exciting , and fun , I hope . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up this morning and decided I wanted to get out for a bike ride . We had a few things going on a little later in the morning , so that actually meant I could go for a little longer ride . Linda got up with me and jumped on the elliptical , so that means we 're both burning some extra calories - and that 's a good thing . Anyway , I got in over 22 miles , and made it to the top of Mission Gorge , again - it is quite a hill to get up . I figure that when I can finally do Mission Gorge without feeling like my legs are about to fall off , then I 'll be ready for Torrey Pines . That hill is about twice Mission , so yes , for me it will be a significant challenge . Jason decided that it was a good day to get some shopping in . Well , initially we went over to the DMV ( yeah , I know - a gluten for punishment ) and found out that he could expect to receive his new plates ( purple heart and disabled veteran ) in about 2 months . Apparently they are , like everybody else , running a little behind . I have to admit it was pretty cool that Jason was able to just walk in and go to the front of the line , and there was quite a line going out the door . The guy behind the counter was very helpful and seemed honestly wanting to provide a good service ( I wonder if he could go work for the VA . . . ; - ) ) . After this adventure Jason wanted to get over to the Exchange and do a little shopping . He felt that he needed some new shorts , and just wanted to look around a bit . While we were there I found some shorts for me , too , and they were on sale ! What they didn 't have were some belt clips , for a backpack . The people at the exchange said that he should attempt to contact the manufacture , to be sure he was getting the correct clip , and that the clips were not sold separately , at least not in these stores . We came back to the house and Linda had gotten back from a dentist visit . She had gone up to Vista , to see our dentist and get her teeth cleaned . Kevin Salgado , DDS provides excellent service and that is very important to us . Anyway , once we were all back at thePosted by Well , to begin with - The SF Giants are still in the game and go up against the Nationals on Friday . They did an awesome job of beating the Pirates , and the best part is that I actually got to watch a big chunk of the game . I was , as you can probably figure out , very happy to have this happen . I am hopeful that this is just another of their weird comebacks for the season . . . but now on to the regular blog . Jason and I headed off to the appointments today , with the first being at Balboa and Wound Care . It was a nice visit and they were quite happy with his progress . Both the wounds are improving and the left side is just about closed up - another two or three days and it should be there . The next appointment was with the VA , and Jason 's Case Manager / Social Manager . It is her responsibility to insure that Jason continues on his journey to recovery , AND to make sure that the VA is doing all it is supposed to be doing to help him get there . Having said that , she was informed about the mess up with urology and how they effectively dropped the ball . She said she would be speaking with urology and letting us know what the out come is . I let her know that Jason has to be given preferential treatment , if they expect the healing to continue . Him sitting in the waiting room for over 2 hours was not good . Both of us were pleased with her reception and feel that she has the right focus for Jason . The rest of the day was spent at home , though I did make a quick trip to the pet store - Mr . Jingles was out of food ( almost ) and needed some new bedding material , and I picked up another bag of dog food , since I was there . We relaxed and did some things around the house . I made a quick dinner with the left overs in the refrigerator , and that was about it , until the baseball game . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
Feliz , Dia de los muertos . . . Okay , some people don 't use the " los " in the greeting , but that is how I learned it . . . It goes along so well with Halloween and All Saints Day that I wanted to include it . I hope you all had a great Halloween - we did . The day was a little busy at first with taking care of a few chores around the house and then Jason wanting to get over to the Men 's Warehouse . He has a tux that needs to be altered for a black tie event that we 're gong to next month . He purchased the tux there so they will make the alterations . The challenge is that his arms have really gotten pretty big and he can just get the jacket on . The tailor came out and measured him and marked the jacket and said he cam make some adjustments , but wasn 't to sure how much he could improve the sleeves , since there isn 't much ' extra ' material there . Jason took it in stride and basically said , " Okay , we 'll see what it looks like when done . " After that we headed back home to get some lunch and to get some final touches on things prior to taking the girls out for Halloween . Linda had gone over to pick them up from school , and they will be with us for the next five days , and right now they were laying down for their nap . Stacy decided on her Dorthy ( Wizard of Oz ) costume and Jackie stayed with her Hello Kitty costume . Both of them looked great , and were very excited to be going out . Of course we had to have dinner first , and that was probably the most difficult thing the girls had to do . Other kids were already coming to the door while they were eating , and I think it only increased their excitement . Once we were headed out , Jason and I walked with the girls around to several of the houses , here in the base housing , and they ended up with a bunch of candy . We were surprised with Stacy said she was done and wanted to go back home and pass out candy with Grandma . Jackie wasn 't quite done , but was happy to be walking around still , so we turned and headed back , and Jackie was still able to knock on doors . We were back at the house by about 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) and after walking in we didn 't get anymore trick - or - treating kids coming by . They start early and apparently finish early . I don 't think we saw many kids out , who didn 't have a parent with them , and most of the kids in the area were from other military families . Next year we 'll be looking to go through another neighborhood , and learning new neighbors . Linda has already begun decorating the house , in her mind , so I expect to have a great time , even better than this year . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was quite the exciting day - First it started out with me attempting to get in a nice bike ride , and I did manage to get in about 12 . 5 miles . The challenge with the ride was that I felt like I hit nearly every red light on the course and for whatever reason the crazies were out in force , in their cars . I spent about as much time on the 12 . 5 mile ride as I would if it had been over 15 miles . After the ride Linda had to get to a doctor appointment , and that was about the smoothest thing that happened today . Linda got to the doctor 's office , almost exactly when the appointment was supposed to be and within a few minutes she was in with the doctor . The visit didn 't last long and we were back on our way back to the house . We were both thinking about the luncheon with the Nice Guys and both looked at the radio clock at about the same moment . It was one of those moments when you both start talking about the same thing at the same time - nice to know we think similarly . She called Jason to ask him to start getting ready , so that we could get going shortly after we got home . We arrived at the house and I immediately grabbed the vacuum , so that I could clean out the dog hair in the back seat . We wanted to have the truck looking nice , since it was the Nice Guys who were able to assist and make Jason getting this truck a reality . We then drove through a car wash , and from there on to the restaurant . We had a great time at the restaurant , and it was fabulous finally getting to meet the Nice Guys members , and for Jason to be able to thank them personally . We left the restaurant feeling good and feeling full . Finally back at the house , Linda and I decide to walk over to Target - it is about a mile from here , and we needed to walk off a little of the meal . On the way back we stopped at the " Family Fun Day " that was going on here , at the Gate Way , and looked around a bit . It was something they had done for the kids in the military housing , and I think they did a good job of it . The rest of the evening was spent at the house , where we had a nice simply dinner and Linda and I watched Brave Heart ( for about the 6th time ) . I was amazed . . . it still ended the same way . . . ; - ) Thank you , for all the support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . November is just around the corner and that means the holidays . I know , some of you are already in that mode , but for me , it has to be November before I can start to think of them . Today also marks the end of the baseball season - completely , with the end of the World Series . Most of you already know I am a Giants fan , so I 'm pretty happy about the end results for this year . I have to say , though , that the Royals were nearly there , instead of the Giants . Both teams played well , and it was an exciting series this year . Today we saw the girls off to their school , and we won 't see them again for a couple of days . This is going to be a little strange for us , since they have been with us for 16 days straight . They will be back though , in a couple of days and staying with us again , for five days . I am happy to say that they seem to be adjusting to the changes to the schedule and are very happy , Linda has all their Halloween costumes ready and even if they should make a last minute change , she will be able to adjust . Jason went to a Wound Care appointment today , and it was good . They are very pleased with the way the wounds are doing , and it seems the prognosis is continuing to be positive . The challenge is that we do have some things coming up , along with his appointments , and the more active he gets , the more there seems to be set backs with the healing . We 're just going to have to be balancing the social interactions with the activities and not allow it to get out of control . Not much else going on right now , other than Jason , Linda and I heading to a Nice Guys luncheon tomorrow , so he can thank them in person , for the truck . It is also going to give us chance to actually see , face - to - face who these folks are , and to get some pictures . I suspect that it is going to be a good time . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another busy day , and just a bit more productive this time . The morning started off pretty much like the other mornings , with us getting the girls up and off to school . The difference being that Linda and I were both doing our best to get some exercise in , as we 've found that it really does make us feel better , and what the heck . . . it 's healthier . Jason had an appointment with the folks at Physical Therapy ( at Balboa ) , and he worked with Mike . He also did a number of exercises on his own , and stayed very busy during that hour ( more like 75 minutes actually ) . Afterward we headed off to the Ability Center and Jason was able to pick up his truck . There is an inherit problem with the contact switch , so he will have to remember to insure the door is closed and that once closed , nothing hit the handle . He 's talking about putting a sign on the door to discourage other folks from attempting to open it from the out side . The folks at the dealership ( Chevy ) said that about the only thing that can be done is to disconnect the switch , but then that would pose a number of other issues and reduce the safety factor . He will just live with it , as it is , for now . This evening , and tonight we had baseball food for dinner ( hot dogs ) and the girls were very happy to have them . The only problem was that the Giants were not cooperative , and started out very poorly . Funny how one day the team can be hot , and then the next day it would be amazing to see a single hit come out of them . . . and don 't get me started on pitching . Anyway , we 're ready to continue to watch the game another day , and then we can really appreciate the level of effort of both teams . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayer . Take care and stay positive . Busy day today , and it was the kind of busy where you 're moving all the time , but it doesn 't feel like you 're getting much done . We got the girls up and to school on time and then the day went a little crazy . First we had to get Jason 's truck down to the Ability Center to get a warning light adjusted - it kept indicating the door was ajar , when it was completely closed , and it was on the side where Jason gets in . We had to drive two vehicles because we didn 't know what was going to be happening , and it was good that we did because the truck spent the day there and is still there ( we pick it up in the morning ) . After dropping it off Jason wanted to get over to So Call Guns , and look at some of the equipment there , and normally that 's just fine . Today , though , I had made plans to get up to Anthony Netto 's and help him with his Quick Books , and to get some things in order . That meant Jason 's visit to So Cal was cut short . I ended up taking Jason back home and Linda was getting ready to take off for her errands , and Jason was left at the house with Gracie . That 's okay , though as he is getting around much better now and can take care of a few things on his own now . While I was up at Anthony 's and we were going over a bunch of business stuff , I received a call from Linda and she asked me where I was . It was about 13 : 25 when she called and asked if I had forgotten about taking Jason to his 14 : 00 ( 2 pm ) appointment . It was still in my head that he had his truck and I didn 't need to take him , and Linda reminded me the truck was in the shop . Also , Stacy needed to be picked up at the same time . We decided that Linda was going to take Jason to his appointment and I would just have to get back down to Stacy 's school as quickly as I could , though I ended up being about 20 minutes late ( and by the way , Linda had just come back from her errands so she didn 't get her lunch - so neither of us are eating ) . As I said , I managed to get back and picked up Stacy , and about 30 minutes later I was back to pick up Jackie . Just a few minutes later Linda and Jason returned from his appointment . Now we needed to turn back around and get Stacy out to her appointment , and again , Jason was going to be left at the house , as for him to come back out with us would have been a very long day for him to be up in his chair . Linda and I took both Jackie and Stacy , and then after the appointment we went to Chili 's for dinner . Jason had sent me a text letting me know that the freeways were reporting big accidents so it was probably better for us to get something to eat , rather than just sit in traffic . We finally almost got back home and Jason asked us to stop and pick up some Taco Bell for him . By the time we walked into the house , I was pretty tired . The girls were tired too , until they saw their Frozen costumes for Halloween sitting on the couch . Once that happened they wanted to dress up and Stacy even did a performance for us , and sang Let It Go - she did a pretty good job of it , too . They 're in bed now , and I 'm thinking I 'm going to be headed that way soon . Tomorrow should be a little less crazy , but we 'll see . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a pretty amazing day , and it wasn 't because the Giants won their 3rd game of the World Series , though that was pretty good . It was because we got up in the morning and got the girls ready to go to church , after breakfast . I know that sounds pretty normal , but another thing was also going on , and that was Jason was getting ready to go off and have a lunch meeting with some friends . This was the first time for Jason to venture out , on his own and go to a " social " engagement without me or Linda tagging along . That is pretty amazing , in my eyes , and he had a good time . He went out at a little before noon , which means Jason did not go to church with the rest of us . That 's okay , as he was out socializing with some of his friends from when he was stationed in Okinawa . Linda and I , along with both Stacy and Jackie , got back to the house about 12 : 10 , and Jason was gone . We fixed lunch for us and made ready for the girls to go take a short rest ( actually they just sort of laid down in their room and rested , but I don 't think they ever slept ) . Linda and I took care of a few other things and I even took a short nap . Jason got back to the house at about 14 : 20 ( 2 : 20 pm ) or so , and he looked pretty good and was in high spirits . I think the opportunity to meet up with his friends was something he couldn 't pass up , and the benefit was excellent . I hope there are other opportunities like this in the future . The rest of the day was relaxed , though we did go to Costco - and it was packed . I thought that with the football games going it would have been slower in business , but it wasn 't . We came back from Costco and put everything away and then shortly after that Linda made dinner , while I turned on the World Series . It was a good game and Madison Bumgarner was absolutely commanding with his pitching . The rest of the evening was pretty much as it always is , and we even managed to get the girls to bed right on time , with me reading a couple of stories ( of their selection ) . About the last thing I did tonight was to help Jason with his shower , while Linda took care of some laundry . That was the end of the day , and we felt pretty good about it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up this morning and I went for a short bike ride . First ride in several weeks - well a few days ago I did get out and rode 2 1 / 2 miles , but I don 't count that as a ride , since I had to turn around and get back to the hospital , to pick up Jason ( he was literally done 2 hours earlier than originally planned ) . Anyway , I got out for a 10 mile ride and it felt good , and when I returned to the house the girls were up and in watching cartoons with Daddy . I think Jason looks forward to Saturday mornings as much as the girls do . By the time we arrived there were very few parking places left , and it was quite crowded . Funny thing is , I had not heard of it before , and now it looks like we 're already making plans to go next year . There were all kinds of things for the girls to do , and there was even a booth from Rudolph and Sletten ( I worked for them from 2005 to 2008 ) . I didn 't know any of the guys there , but it was still fun to see them . We stayed for a couple hours then Jason needed to get back to the house . I took him back and left Linda and the girls there , so they could enjoy a couple of other things , like the pony ride . We were all back at the house by 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) or maybe a few minutes after . After lunch Jason wanted to head out and get over to Sprint . I needed to take care of some business too , so he and I went together . They were very busy so we ended up just waiting around for a while and then that gave Jason some time to look around . He found a new " toy " to play with , and ended up purchasing a remote controlled robot thing ( not sure what else to call it ) that he could control from his phone . He was having a great time with it , after it got it home . Finally the rest of the day was wearing on and then it was dinner time . We had dinner and then I turned on the World Series and suffered through the first few innings and loved the last several . The Giants were all over the Royals , and they have now tied up the series 2 - 2 . I do believe that this might go the full seven games , and that 's okay by me . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers - Take care and stay positive . Yesterday and today were nice and relaxed and we 're all doing well . Jason 's wounds continue to improve , and I think a big part of that is that he is staying down and not allowing things to get in the way of his healing . We have some events coming up in the next several weeks and I think he is wanting to be as healed as possible so that he can enjoy being out and with people . Another thing is that for about 10 days now the girls have been with us , and I think that has been beneficial for him as well . I have been busy with Stand Up and Play , or I guess I should say Stand UP USA , since that is where I am actually putting most of my effort . The good news is that most of that work is done and from here on out it should flow much more smoothly , and with that I can get back to my bike riding . In fact I have already made plans to go for a short ride tomorrow . I want it to be a short ride so that I can build back up again . The other good thing is that Linda continues to stay focused on her health plan and is eating right and exercising regularly . She is feeling much better . . . and that makes me feel better . We let the girls stay up a little later tonight , since tomorrow is Saturday , and the World Series was down to the last couple innings . The only problem with that was that the Giants didn 't prevail . When the girls did go to bed they informed me that they were having a slumber party - just the two of them - and that was okay by us . We are so happy that they are happy and energetic , and they always make it a point to go in and say good night to their daddy . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . We had a nice day today , and about the only update for today is that we had a meeting about Jason 's home , and things are progressing . We still don 't have a solid date for when the house will be completed , or even started for that matter , though progress is being made . As more develops I will be providing you all , more information . The rest of the day is basically taking care of business and keeping our focus on Jason 's healing . He is doing well , though there does seem to be an issue with the SP catheter . We 'll be going in tomorrow to have them take a look at it . We don 't think it is anything serious , just that every now and then it feels uncomfortable for Jason . During the procedure Jason requested it changed out , and they did , now he has moments of discomfort . . . something wasn 't set right . We 're getting closer to Halloween , and the girls are getting more excited about it . They have asked both Linda and I , multiple times , what we 're going to be for Halloween . I keep telling them I 'm going to be dressed as a grandpa , but they don 't like that answer . Jackie wants me to be Superman and Linda is to be Wonder Woman . Ahh , kids . . . Thanks , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A relatively busy day for me , as Jason had to get into Balboa this morning for a procedure ( laser ) , and before I could get that done , Linda and I had to get the girls to school . Actually , when I woke up this morning I fell victim to the morning being later for a sunrise . I woke up and thought it was earlier than it was . I intended to get up and head over to the gym to get a little bit of a workout in , since I had not been doing much lately . I got out of bed and headed over to the bathroom , and looked at the clock . It was already 06 : 35 , and that meant we needed to get going anyway . So much for the morning work out . We got the girls up and going , and after breakfast , off to school . Linda and I walked back to the house , and that was about the only real " alone " time that the two of us had . It was kind of nice just walking back together , though both of us were going about 90 mph in our heads . I needed to get Jason to Balboa by 08 : 30 , and as it turned out we made it , in time . . . sort of . We got to the gate and that means we 're subject to the same delays everybody else is . If there is a vehicle ahead of you , and the guard wants to talk with them , then you just have to wait . Unfortunately , for us , there were two such issues , and that in turn made us a little late . Fortunately , it was only a little late , and everything else went as needed and planned . The procedure lasted for about an hour , and the doctors were very pleased with everything . Jason 's left side is just about closed , and the right side is doing much better . With this treatment we are hopeful that the skin will be durable enough to take the pressure and the wounds will close for good . All of us will be very happy about that situation . Jason and I got back home and then there was the need to go pick up Stacy , and an hour later to pick up Jackie . At about 15 : 00 ( 3pm ) the new support person showed up at the house , and she seemed like she really wants to do a good job . The problem is that the company she works for did not bother to call us to tell us she was on her way . Again , we managed to get through this interrupt and both girls were home with enough time to get Stacy over to her doctor appointment . Tomorrow should be a bit easier , but I 'll just have to wait and see . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Wow , just to think , this month is almost over , and that will bring us to the final two months of the year . . . and that 'll take us to 2015 ! That is an amazing thought as those of you who remember Marty and Doc , and their travels through 2015 . We should have flying cars in the next couple of weeks , I guess . Anyway , today has been a nice day . We got up and we got ready for church . Actually , it was more like the girls came up to our room ( we sleep upstairs , like it is almost a separate apartment ) and jumped on us , just to see if we were awake , I guess . Jackie was up first and then Stacy came up a short while after . They love to play on the bed , with the two of us still trying to wake up , and hoping they will retreat back down to their own room - but that never happens . Linda usually gets up first , as the girls are usually sitting on top of me , or even jumping on me . They followed grandma down stairs and I started to move . Within a matter of a half an hour I was making breakfast , or something like it , and then we all got ready for church . Jason wasn 't going with us , as he doesn 't want to move any more than he has to . We went to church and enjoyed the fellowship there , and found out they had a pancake breakfast going on after church . Of course the girls wanted to see what it was , since this also meant there were no doughnuts today . We ended up have a " second " breakfast , and it was pretty good . . . then we went home . About the most stressful thing that happened today was working with Sprint , and their " customer support " team . I always enjoy trying to communicate with someone who does not speak English very well , and then half way through a sentence they hung up on me . I wasn 't even yelling at them . . . yet . I have come to the conclusion that perhaps we should have stayed with AT & T . At least I knew how they worked . The rest of the day was fun and we all were having a great time at the house . I didn 't even stop to watch the 49er - Bronco game . I did catch a few updates along the way , and I think it is probably better that I didn 't watch it . . . 49ers lost . Linda gave the girls a bath and then it was time for bed . Tomorrow Jason has an appointment with Dermatology , where they are going to be doing the laser treatment and then the filoplast treatment . My guess is that it will take a few hours , so I 'm not sure how the rest of the day will go , but I 'm sure it will be good . Things are moving in a positive direction and this can only be a positive affect , so I 'm all for that . I 'll let you all know tomorrow how it came out . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . As you may have noticed , I am starting to back off the daily posts , simply because I don 't feel there is a great deal to post about . Like yesterday - it was a good day , and we did have some general fun around the house , but not much to write about . I did grill some burgers , and just as I was finishing the cooking we ran out of fuel for the grill - but that really isn 't too exciting . The food was done and they tasted pretty good . Today wasn 't much different , though I did get in a short bike ride - and that was the first ride in several days ( a few weeks ? ) . I am still recovering from whatever it was that hit me , and I just really wanted to get out on my bike for a little ride . I went about 7 1 / 2 miles , and didn 't go too far from the house . I felt pretty good afterward , and surprised myself in that I wasn 't sweating too much . The rest of the day was again spent around the house for the most part , and just relaxing and doing some of the things that need to get done . Linda did take the girls to Lakeshore , to check out a few things , and to do some window shopping . Jackie was having a little challenge with all the great things and wanted to take all of it home . She was a little upset when told she could buy everything in the store . . . ahh , the life of a four year old . I made some popcorn for everybody , and we all watched a movie . Actually , the movie was Frozen , and we 've seen it a few dozen times , but the girls enjoyed it just the same . My guess is that about the only thing we 'll do tomorrow is go to church , and maybe do some clean up around the house . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I 'm feeling much better today , and I can say that after a good rest tonight , I should be back to just about 100 % . That means I might even want to see if I can get back on the bike , and get going again . I am so glad to have the awful feeling go away - well , at least most of it . The doctors said that the numbness may linger on for a while longer or may not go away at all . I guess they 're hedging their bets , so - to - speak , because they aren 't sure what it is . You just got ' a love the world of medicine . Today was a nice relaxed day , with Jason and I going in to Balboa Hospital to get a prescription going and to visit with a couple of the medical teams . There is going to be another procedure done on Jason , on the 20th , and he wanted to be sure he had all the right things taken care of . He could have done it via the phone , but being there , face - to - face is always better , if you have the time . The funny part is that we got to the base and realized we had transferred all the placards to the truck , and we were now in the van . I had to go up to the drop off area and let Jason out , and then go park in the regular parking . That 's where it got really strange . . . Traffic has slowed significantly in the past few weeks , and there were a couple of regular parking places available , relatively close to where Jason was dropped . I was totally surprised , and VERY happy . The visit didn 't take too long , and we were back home before 11 : 00 . Jason was hungry , so I fixed him something to eat and then went up to take care of my email . Linda saw us come back early , and that allowed her to take care of a few other things , and also to get some needed rest . She has been working too hard lately , and now that we have the girls for the next couple of weeks she will be working even more . The girls wouldn 't be back at the house for several hours , and I had stuff to keep me busy so I told her she could get some rest , and she did ( I was happy ) . The rest of the day was relaxed , very much the way we needed it to be . Joselyn came over for a visit , and to catch up with Linda , and then even went with Linda to pick up the girls . Tonight I fixed a nice dinner for everybody and then we finished the day by watching the Giants win the Pendant for the NLCS . I have to admit , I thought St . Louis was going to take this one , but Linda told me that the Giants would win , then the boys came through in the end . Stacy even informed me that she still wants to be a cheer leader for the Giants , and how come they don 't already have some . A few years down the road and I guess we 'll be petitioning the Giants to allow her to become their official cheer leader . The game ended real close to their regular bed time , so it all worked out very well . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The crazy schedules seem to be continuing for us . Jason had an appointment with the VA today , so we went in at about 10 : 00 this morning . This , in and of itself is no big deal . What happened is that we were contacted by Urology , and they wanted to also meet with Jason , at close to 14 : 00 ( 2pm ) . This gave us time to get lunch , and then make it to the appointment , so that 's what we did and didn 't go very far away from the hospital . The appointment was very thorough and the doctors ( there were three of them ) all seemed very interested in finding ways to help Jason . The idea is to allow him to get away from the suprapubic catheter , and to find something that is less irritating to the body . My guess is this line of investigation is going to continue on for several more months . With the appointments being as they are , it provided time for Gracie and I to just sit back and wait . . . the challenge with this is that I really can 't afford to just wait . Anyway , we were on our way back home after the initial visit , and more visits are on their way . The cool thing for today is that the Giants won the play off game with the Cardinals , and now lead the series 3 to 1 . I got to watch most of the game today , and it was very exciting . Tomorrow there is going to be yet another game , and we 'll probably get a chance to watch that one as well . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I guess I 'm probably back to about 95 % and should be back to normal tomorrow . I got up this morning , feeling pretty poorly , and fortunately that only lasted for about an hour or so . I was thinking that I was suffering a relapse and going the wrong way with the healing , and then started to feel better . by the middle of the morning I was doing okay , but feeling a bit weak and awkward . As the day progressed I gained more strength and stability and was playing with the grand kids by this evening ( not too much , but much more than in the past several days ) . Jason is feeling pretty good , and his wounds are looking better again , with the left side almost back to where it was a couple of weeks ago . The real positive is the right side continues to progress , and is much better than it was a few weeks ago . We didn 't have any medical appointments today , but will be looking at a couple with the VA tomorrow . A real special happening for today was that Linda got to ride in Jason 's new truck . We went to Costco and Jason drove ( I rode in the back seat with Gracie ) . We didn 't spend too much , so I was happy , too . Not much other stuff going on around here , other than regular chores and stuff like that . Linda was having fun with the girls , as they get more and more excited about Halloween . Linda has helped them get into , and out of their costumes a few times , and they both look great . We are now beginning to look at things with Jason 's future house , for his interior , and I think this is going to be one of those areas that Linda really enjoys . Finally , it was a very close game , and everything that makes baseball special to me - and to have the Giants win today made it an even better game . Both Stacy and Jackie watched the game with us , and told us that they want to go to a Giants game , so we 're going to try for next year . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up this morning , very early , as I still wasn 't sleeping well through the night . Because of how I have been dealing with this intestinal infection / virus , it has really been starting to get to Linda . I finally agreed to call the V . A . hotline ( 24 - hour Nurse support ) , and I figured I 'd end up getting an appointment set for Tuesday or something . Well , there was a new development with my symptoms , a sort of a numbness on parts of my back and left side , and even down my triceps on my left arm . When I began talking about this the nurse immediately thought I had either experienced a stroke of some kind , or was in the midst of having one . She insisted that I get down to the VA hospital as quickly as possible ( she quickly determined that if we drove it would be faster than taking an ambulance ) . Linda was getting ready to go work out on the elliptical so it really didn 't take long for us to get out of the house and down the road . Jason was feeling pretty good and knew he would be able to take care of himself , at least for a few hours . We arrived at the ER of the VA Hospital and they quickly took me in ( the phone nurse had called ahead ) and that is when the exams and testing and X - rays began . I was fortunate to have a more senior nurse as my care giver , as she was able to put an IV in with little discomfort . I felt like the drew about a full unit of blood for the lab work . I was to go through several exams , and be sent to the radiation area for several pictures , and while all this took a great deal of time Linda was able to go take care of some other things that were still hanging out there . Jackie needed to go to her speech therapy , and then back to school , and later both girls would be getting out of school and Linda was supposed to pick them up . Needless to say , Linda drove back and forth a great deal today , and we were able to make all the correct times and appointments . Jason was even able to head over to Target , by himself , and that proved to be an adventure in itself ( perhaps I will go into it tomorrow ) . The day was finally over at about 16 : 00 ( pm ) , and Linda came back to pick me up . One of the more interesting , funny , sad things to happen was that two of the doctors who came in to examine me , asked if I had been to Africa recently . I guess the Ebola issue is worry more and more of the medical community , especially when a patient comes in with something they can 't figure out . They finally sent me on my way with some medication and instructions to monitor a couple of areas , and watch for specific rashes . There is a chance that what has happened is that early on - set shingles has raised its head . Anyway , I 'm doing okay right now and we 're getting ready to get to bed . Jason had a great day and Linda spent the day as a shuttle service as well as helping me get through the day , as best she could . Thank you , all , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Better day for me , today . It started out a little bumpy and I nearly went in to the ER , as I was feeling very poorly . Fortunately , I began feeling a bit better once I started moving around a little , though it wasn 't until several hours later than I felt significantly better . I am still focusing on clear liquids , as my stomach is not back to its normal self , and I figure I 'll need to take it easy tomorrow , then I 'll be as good as new . Jason had a day of spending most of his time in bed , and that was what I was hoping for , yet I was a bit disappointed to see the wounds on the left have expanded some . It is very frustrating to see this when the treatment is basically the same , with regular visits to Wound Care , and activity has been kept to a minimum . The right side , however , seems to be doing better and that is a good thing , I 'd just like to see the left side close up . Otherwise , Jason is doing well and in very good and positive spirits . There are no appointments tomorrow , as the government recognizes Columbus Day as a holiday , so we will simply be staying at home , other than a trip to the store ( Costco ? ) to pick up some needed supplies . We also get the girls tomorrow , and they will be with us for the next couple of weeks . Their mother is going into the hospital and will need some recovery time . She has asked Jason to take care of them during that period . Not much else to blog about today - Linda stayed busy with general clean up and organizational stuff , so that we can get rid of some old boxes of stuff . She has been working some extra duty , with me being sick , so I appreciate all she has done . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I slightly better day for me , as I continue to fight the bug that seems to have landed in my belly . I called the 24 - hour Nurse Hot Line and we talked for about 30 minutes , or so . She said it is likely not the flu but more of a intestinal virus , and suggested that there are a few things I could do . I followed her advice and within about eight hours I was feeling a bit better , and then it progressed upward from there . That conversation took place at about 02 : 00 this morning . I still didn 't get much sleep the rest of the night , but was able to catch up on some later this morning and into the afternoon . Now , with the day over , I 'm feeling much better , and on top of that the Giants won over St . Louis . Bumgarner was pitching , and he has been awesome all year and now well into the playoffs . Jason rested for most of the day , and Linda worked on things around the house . Jason did have visitors , while I was resting . I did get a chance to get up and say , " Hi ! " but I didn 't visit much , as I was still looking pretty bad . It was good to see folks coming to spend a little time with Jason , as I am sure he gets tired of seeing us all the time . His wounds continue to confound us , as the one on the left looked like it was going to finally close up and now it opened a bit more . Jason has not been up too much , so I don 't know what happened to cause that set back , but it is something we deal with . Tonight was relaxed and restful . Linda prepared a nice chicken meal for Jason . I had a bowl of soup and she had her diet prepared food . Tomorrow should be a good day all the way around , and I am looking forward to getting out a little and possibly a run to Costco . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I pretty much stayed away from everyone today , though Linda was brave enough to come spend some time with me . I did find out that what I have is a gastrointestinal virus , but I 'm still going to call it the flu , cause that 's what it feels like . Not sure where it came from , and I don 't have a feel for how long it is going to last , just that it is a real pain . I did get some time to work on a couple of other things , that I have been pushing aside a bit , over these last few weeks . Since I was spending most of my time upstairs I had time to sit at my " desk " and get on the computer ( Desk is in quotes because it is really more of a large shelf , but it works ) . I made a few efforts to lay down and just rest , but wasn 't really successful . I 'm progressively feeling a little better all the time , so I 'm hopeful that by tomorrow I 'll be feeling much better . Linda went with Jason to his appointment today , and I guess it went okay , as they didn 't report anything negative . Because Jason did some driving in his truck we moved the handicap placard to the truck , so when they went to the hospital in the van , they didn 't have it . Basically , Linda had to drop Jason off and then attempt to find a parking place in the garage . It was one of those things that you don 't normally worry about , and if planned for really has little to no affect on the timing . Because it wasn 't caught until the very end it did cause a bit of a scramble at the end . Jason made it on time and Linda was able to park just fine . . . she just had to walk a bit more . Not sure about what is going to be happening tomorrow , other than a possible trip to Costco . We need to pick up a few things , and otherwise just relax a bit . We 'll do some cleaning around the house and maybe put up some Halloween decorations before the girls come back on Monday . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . It has been a good day , and fortunately I was able to relax for most of it . We did have a meeting with the home builders , and things are progressing with Jason 's house . I asked them when they thought , realistically , when the house would be ready for us to move in , and the response was late summer , next year . Still too many variables out there to nail it down any tighter , and I 'm okay with that , I just wanted to know what to expect ( I do wish it was sooner , but I can deal with the time line - I appreciate their honesty ) I am apparently dealing with some sort of flu right now , at least that is what it feels like , I feel pretty good in the morning but as the day wears on I start to wear out . By the end of the day I feel like I 've been beat up or something . Linda is doing a great job of keeping things going , and fortunately , right now the girls are not with us . I have a couple of days to beat this thing . And , Jason is driving now , so if he needs to get to an appointment I don 't necessarily have to drive . Anyway , the day was relaxed and not much to report on . I 'm going to bed and hope to be able to sleep through the night ( I haven 't done that for a couple of days now ) . Jason has one appointment and that is about all . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . What a difference a day makes . Today , Jason had just the one appointment and for the most part he just stayed down . Linda and I took the girls to school this morning , and I guess I could tell a little about their reaction when we got home yesterday . Apparently they didn 't quite understand that we were going to be gone for a couple of days and kept asking Grandma ( Linda ) where Daddy and Grandpa were , or wanting to know when they were going to be coming home . I picked up the girls from school and they were both quite excited to see me , and continued to be when they got back to the house . It always makes Linda and I feel happy when we see the girls jump up on to the bed with their daddy , and they start playing or want him to tell a story . Not sure how long they were there , but it did seem like a little more than usual . The rest of today was definitely more relaxed and Linda and I were able to finish up on some of our personal chores . I woke up this morning with a bid of a soreness in my right elbow , and I give all the credit to trying to learn how to play golf . My guess is that maybe after a few years I might actually learn how to swing a club , and that is okay . I had fun anyway . Tomorrow we have a meeting schedule at about noon , and then we will probably get involved with running around and taking care of a few other things . I want to make sure that Jason gets all the time he needs to relax and recover . His wounds are looking amazingly well , and we 're all happy about that , so we need to make sure that continues . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason and I were invited to head up to Pelican Hill Resort , along with other Wounded Warriors and their caregivers , to attend a long weekend ( Saturday to Tuesday AM ) , and see if we could shoot some clay pigeons and do some golfing . Since neither of us had much experience with either of these , it seemed like a good idea . It was put on by the Carrington Charitable Support Group and the Gary Sinise Foundation , with support of the Veterans Airlift Command . Please go on line and check them all out to learn more about what they do . Who knows , you just might be moved to send a donation their way . Anyway , we left Saturday afternoon , to drive up to Newport Beach area , where Pelican Hill Resort is located , and we stayed until late this morning . What was really cool about this whole thing was that Jason was able to do the driving , with his new truck ( it was just about a 90 minute drive , which is getting real close to his limit of driving - more on that some other time ) . We were not the first to arrive , nor the first to leave , so I guess you 'd have to say we were kind of in the middle . It was great seeing all the folks again , that we hadn 't seen in several months . They live out on the East Coast , so they had to be flown in ( er go , Veteran Airlift Command ) . Some of them basically looked the same , while others had gotten married and all kinds of changes in their lives . The clay shooting was great fun , and I was totally amazed at how well some of those guys were able to shoot . There are a couple of the Warriors there who are quad - amputees , and they were still able to shoot the guns . The range master had managed to put together these systems that allowed them to work the shot guns with their prosthetic devices . I know this won 't be a surprise to some of you , but some of them were better than me . Jason ended up receiving a new shot gun case and an ammunition bag ( to me it looks like a small camera bag ) . We all had a great time , though it was a long day , and I was plum tuckered out . The next day was the golfing , and again all kinds of great things for the guys . We were golfing on a scramble with groups of four golfers . The rules were that no hole was to take more than six shots - if you hit six you simply moved on to the next hole . This helped to keep the game moving along , and everyone was able to get back to their rooms for a couple of hours of rest and clean up . Jason and I were with Anthony Netto , and two other gentleman , one being a golfing magazine editor , so we were actually a group of five . I think that was because we didn 't expect Jason to get beyond the ninth hole , and he actually only made it to the eighth . I left the group at the same time to make sure that Jason got back to the room safely and was comfortable - besides , I wasn 't doing very much to help the group score anyway . It was fun , and today my right arm feels like it had a great workout , and the elbow is soar . There were dinners at the end of each of the days , and the overall focus was not only on the Wounded Warriors , it was also on their caregivers . The one dinner where all the caregivers were recognized was when I missed not having Linda with me the most . Because she was there for the initial gathering and dinner , most of them thought she was going to be with us the entire weekend . They are already working on next year 's event and we have been told we will be there next year . That time Linda will be staying with me , and she can enjoy all the fun ( and get very tired ) . Finally , there was this morning 's breakfast meeting , with all the main people who would be involved with the building of the homes , including Jason 's . We had seen Gary Sinise earlier , but he had to get back to Bethesda , so he wasn 't at this breakfast . It was very rewarding to everyone , to be able to sit down with them and get the chance of this weekend , to get to know them better . We thought they were all great people , with huge hearts , and now we KNOW they are great people with huge hearts . It is good to be back home , and Gracie seems to be feeling much better now . She was having a bit of a difficult time trying to figure out what was going on , yet still managed to sleep like she does , even when there is all the activity going on around her . We left after breakfast , and this is when I guess we had the greatest challenge . Neither of us had any cash , and we wanted to take the toll road ( much faster ) to get back home . We managed to finally find a bank and got the needed cash , and then we were moving on down the road . Again , it took less than 90 minutes to get back home , even with the search for the bank , and then I unloaded the truck . Linda got home ( she had made a quick trip to pick up some things at Target ) about two minutes after we did , and to make the day even better , tonight the Giants won ! Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by Well , it started out today pretty much as most of these days have started out , and that is with Linda and I getting up to get some exercise in . We have not only discovered that exercising and eating better is good for you , we have fully embraced the idea . It is almost as if it is something we have to do now , and when we don 't , we feel a little out of sorts . Actually , I didn 't get to do much exercising this morning , though that was my plan . I ended up getting pulled in to a few things going on with Stand Up and Play , and lost track of time . By the time I realized how late it was , it was too late to get started - - Jason had a couple of appointments he wanted to get to today , and there were other things we ( Linda and I ) needed to get done . The appointments went well , though one of them took a little longer than normal - it wasn 't a VA appointment , so it wasn 't a VERY long time , just longer than usual . Linda needed to get going , as she was taking the girls up to her parents ( Joe and Jess , or as Stacy and Jackie call them : Nana and Tata ) , for the weekend . Jason and I are headed up to Newport Beach to participate in a golf tournament and skeet shooting . This is being put on by Carrington , and they wanted as many of the Wounded Warriors there as could make it . It was decided that because the girls are so young that it wouldn 't be fair to them to bring them along , and that going to Nana and Tata 's would be way more fun . Anyway , Jason and I will be driving up tomorrow sometime , either late morning or early afternoon . The rest of the day seemed kind of strange , to me . I am so used to having Linda and the girls here that with all of them gone ( they left at about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) ) the house is so very quiet . I watched a little baseball , but that was after the Giants had already won their game , so though it was interesting , it wasn 't enough to keep me focused . Jason and I will have to pack up tomorrow morning ( after I do get some exercise in this time ) and then head on out . Jason is going to be driving up in his truck , so that should be kind of exciting , and fun , I hope . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up this morning and decided I wanted to get out for a bike ride . We had a few things going on a little later in the morning , so that actually meant I could go for a little longer ride . Linda got up with me and jumped on the elliptical , so that means we 're both burning some extra calories - and that 's a good thing . Anyway , I got in over 22 miles , and made it to the top of Mission Gorge , again - it is quite a hill to get up . I figure that when I can finally do Mission Gorge without feeling like my legs are about to fall off , then I 'll be ready for Torrey Pines . That hill is about twice Mission , so yes , for me it will be a significant challenge . Jason decided that it was a good day to get some shopping in . Well , initially we went over to the DMV ( yeah , I know - a gluten for punishment ) and found out that he could expect to receive his new plates ( purple heart and disabled veteran ) in about 2 months . Apparently they are , like everybody else , running a little behind . I have to admit it was pretty cool that Jason was able to just walk in and go to the front of the line , and there was quite a line going out the door . The guy behind the counter was very helpful and seemed honestly wanting to provide a good service ( I wonder if he could go work for the VA . . . ; - ) ) . After this adventure Jason wanted to get over to the Exchange and do a little shopping . He felt that he needed some new shorts , and just wanted to look around a bit . While we were there I found some shorts for me , too , and they were on sale ! What they didn 't have were some belt clips , for a backpack . The people at the exchange said that he should attempt to contact the manufacture , to be sure he was getting the correct clip , and that the clips were not sold separately , at least not in these stores . We came back to the house and Linda had gotten back from a dentist visit . She had gone up to Vista , to see our dentist and get her teeth cleaned . Kevin Salgado , DDS provides excellent service and that is very important to us . Anyway , once we were all back at thePosted by Well , to begin with - The SF Giants are still in the game and go up against the Nationals on Friday . They did an awesome job of beating the Pirates , and the best part is that I actually got to watch a big chunk of the game . I was , as you can probably figure out , very happy to have this happen . I am hopeful that this is just another of their weird comebacks for the season . . . but now on to the regular blog . Jason and I headed off to the appointments today , with the first being at Balboa and Wound Care . It was a nice visit and they were quite happy with his progress . Both the wounds are improving and the left side is just about closed up - another two or three days and it should be there . The next appointment was with the VA , and Jason 's Case Manager / Social Manager . It is her responsibility to insure that Jason continues on his journey to recovery , AND to make sure that the VA is doing all it is supposed to be doing to help him get there . Having said that , she was informed about the mess up with urology and how they effectively dropped the ball . She said she would be speaking with urology and letting us know what the out come is . I let her know that Jason has to be given preferential treatment , if they expect the healing to continue . Him sitting in the waiting room for over 2 hours was not good . Both of us were pleased with her reception and feel that she has the right focus for Jason . The rest of the day was spent at home , though I did make a quick trip to the pet store - Mr . Jingles was out of food ( almost ) and needed some new bedding material , and I picked up another bag of dog food , since I was there . We relaxed and did some things around the house . I made a quick dinner with the left overs in the refrigerator , and that was about it , until the baseball game . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
How is this for a new title ; THE PROPHECIES OF MORTALS . I came up with the new title last week . Still not sure yet and I may come up with something else . Finished chapter last week and steadily working on chapter seven . I think this story is going to be the longest one I 've written so far . I 'm up to 30k and still have at least another six chapter . At first I thought I 'd have ten more , but I 've combined a few . Still , the first draft isn 't complete so I really have no idea the length . It would be great to get this book , and THE SAINTS OF BELVEDERE ROAD out early in 2014 . I 'm finding some interesting side - plots as well as things for the rest of the books , including a more solid plot for the second stand - alone novel . So many twists and turns , and yes there will be some character deaths . Right now , I have it pegged at four . Another couple more chapters and this revision will be done ! I 'm really excited about it too . I 'd like to have the whole thing done by the end of this month then start edits and what not in December , and start sending out the query letter in January . I 've been looking at some Indie publishers and have a nice variety to submit too . Some seem perfect placement , but time will tell . I 've been working on the outline for the second book . I want to try something different with it . Instead of it being a ' good girl ' why not have her a bad girl . She 's going to be at least ten years younger than the love interest , but they 've both done time in prison so there 's that bond . Plus , I have a real good reason for her to hook up with _____ ( No , not giving you his name , : P ) . Just as I predicted , I 've gone over the 10k mark . I 've decided to write several of the first draft of this series before I do anything with it . I need to get a feel for the length of the stories . Right now , this one could come in under 20k , but the next could be more . If that 's the case and all the rest of the stories are novel length , it would serve me well to put the first free and have the rest paid , like I 'm doing for THE WATCHTOWER series . I came up with two stand - alone novel ideas over Hallowe ' en . I don 't know why , but these too just jumped out at me . I 've jotted down a rough outline and plot for the first ; a supernatural / paranormal horror / mystery called DOWN FINNEGAN ' S HOLLOW , and the second , well it 's still rough . Very rough . I don 't even have a working title for it yet . I 've got about 2k done on the first chapter of HOLLOW and I pulled THE CARRIERS from rotation to work on it . David hid in the large spirea bush next to the garage . He could hear shouts and screams coming from somewhere down the street , but he didn 't want to leave the safety of his hiding spot . Not while they were out . The gang didn 't come around often , but when they did , it was a good idea not to get in their way . He stayed hidden until he was sure the shouts were moving away , and then carefully checked the street . He never thought he 'd have to skulk through the village . At least , not in the day time . He hurried across and down the street . It wasn 't that much farther to the market . A quick trip there and back . Maybe he 'd stop by and see Beth . He hadn 't seen her outside for a couple of days . A sick feeling filled his stomach . He hoped she was all right . Papers and garbage blew down the main road as David crept around the corner of the grocery store , keeping a careful eye out for the gang . There were metal covers over the front windows and pressboard in place of glass for the door . A small view slot was cut out near the top . David knocked on the wood and a pair of eyes suddenly appeared in the slot . The hard glare softened when David smiled . The man motioned toward the young woman at the far end of the store . " Tiffany and I decided to stay . " He leaned back against the wall . " Try to keep some normalcy going . " David nodded and picked up a red shopping basket . Several of the overhead lights flickered as he made his way down the nearest aisle . There wasn 't much left on most of the shelves . Anything perishable was gone a long time ago , but there were still cans of food . Stuff he actually liked . He picked up a can of pasta and put it in his basket . He reached for a second can , but hesitated . Right now , it was just him and his Mom and he had no idea when his Dad would be back again . Just like when he was deployed overseas . David sighed and moved down the aisle . He made one pass down another aisle as someone knocked at the door . There was something comforting about not being the only person shopping . It meant there were more people who weren 't sick . More who were hoping all this would just go away . " Not too bad , Howard . " Edna lived a few houses down from David , and was a few years older than his Mom . She carried a large bag over her shoulder and smiled when she saw David . " I thought I 'd bring you some fresh veggies from the garden . " She put the bag down on the nearest checkout . " That 's awful nice of you , " Howard said . " Nice to see some fresh food . " He looked at his daughter . " Go put these on the produce shelf . " She turned to Howard . " You know , we should be organizing . Trying to help out those who are sick . I 've been going house to house around here , doing what I can , but I 'm only one person . " Howard rubbed his head . " I 'm not sure how many aren 't sick . I don 't see anyone unless they come in here . " He glanced at his daughter . " And there 's no way in hell I 'm leaving her alone to run this place . " He motioned to the boarded up windows . " Not after what those damn thugs did here . " " That 's what I 'm talking about ! " Edna said . " We need to start some kind of neighbourhood watch . That would stop those creeps from destroying more property . Would you consider using this place as a meeting place ? The store is in the perfect place . Right in the center of town . " Howard nodded . " That I could do , but I 'm not leaving the store . " He looked at David . " Would you mind going door to door ? Finding out who 's all willing to help out ? " He checked the street before walking out of the building , suddenly feeling a little wary of what his mother would say . His dad told them to stay inside , and she was kinda leery about him going down to the store . David figured she 'd freak when she found out what he volunteered to do . He ran all the way back to his backyard and dropped the groceries on the back porch . He wanted to get down to Beth 's place before it got too dark . He didn 't hear the gang out . Hopefully they 'd moved on to terrorize another neighbourhood . He picked up his bike and rode off toward Beth 's house . Beth 's dad 's beat - up truck wasn 't in the driveway and the house look like on one was home . David looked around before walking up to the front door . He knocked quietly , and listened . No sound . He turned to leave and the front door opened . A young blond girl several years younger than Beth looked at him through the screen . " Uh … I , they 're looking for volunteers to go door to door and check to see who 's sick and who isn 't . I said I 'd do it and I thought you 'd like too . Since , you know , you were helping out that old couple . " " Great . I 'll come by your place early . " A woman called out to Beth from somewhere inside the house . " I have to go . See you tomorrow . " David smiled as she shut the door . All the way back to his yard all he could think about was spending the day with her . Sure , they would be checking their neighbours , but still . The whole day with Beth Young ! Marcus sat on the floor of his CO 's office , staring at the unconscious face of his younger brother . Parts of Marcus ' body were numb from sitting on the hard surface for so long , but he couldn 't leave him alone . Alan wasn 't dead , but he 'd been out cold for nearly a week now , with no signs of coming around . He got up and sat on a nearby chair , pulling the mask away from his face . No use in wearing that damn thing . Alan wore one and it didn 't protect him . He dropped his head in his hands . This wasn 't happening . Everything was going to hell , and he needed his brother by his side . Marcus followed his CO out into the hall . A young Asian man stood a few feet away . He was dressed in a doctor 's robe , but didn 't look like he was old enough to shave . Marcus stood but just looked at his hand . " You 'll excuse me if I don 't shake your hand . Considering the situation , less skin - to - skin contact is best . " " We 've had very few patience come to the hospital in the last forty - eight hours . " Dr . Quan was fidgety . " We could be seeing the begging of a reduction of the infection within the population . " " But ? Don 't give me excuses . I 've been left in charge of a ghost town that 's quickly running out of supplies , not to mention the infrastructure is going to hell and you can 't tell me when or if this is going to get better ? " " Several nursing homes resemble mortuaries . With whole families sick , there 's no one left to claim the dead . The staff are overwhelmed as it is with the residence who are still alive . Having to pull them away to bury the dead … " " From where ? " Marcus said . I have a grand total of fifteen people running all the utilities for the entire city . There 's less than a skeleton crew for a police force that has to double as the fire department . " He looked at Norris . " What about here ? " " They 're stretched to the limit there too , " Marcus said . " The few who aren 't sick are looking after the ones that are , or trying to keep things going where they are . I don 't think they can pull someone off to bury the dead . " Marcus ' cell ran . He turned away as he spoke into it . " Davie , can this wait … . " A chill ran through him as his son 's frantic voice rang out from the other end . A car horn blared as Captain Marcus Miles directed traffic at the intersection of Queen and Ontario . At the corner , a tan - coloured car sat crinkled under the concrete traffic light post , the driver 's side door wide open . The lone occupant was still slumped over the steering wheel ; his head partially through the windshield . A blanket covered most of the body , but one blood soaked arm was still visible . Marcus tried to keep his mind on what he was doing , but it was hard . Things were going from bad to worse faster than he thought . There were remains of unattended accidents all over the city , and this wasn 't the first dead body he 'd seen left out in the open . Paramedics were scarce , either sick themselves or refusing to work , and he had a bad feeling it wouldn 't be the last body he 'd see in the street . He didn 't want to be here . He should be back at base doing … something ! Something other than standing in the middle of a street directing a dwindling stream of cars past an accident site . Half the base staff was out sick and his CO was working with a skeleton crew . Less than a skeleton crew . He needed to be there , not here . He looked at the body in the car . No , this wasn 't right . As much as he wanted to leave , he couldn 't abandon the accident . This had been a person . He deserved something more than rotting away in the remains of his car . He pulled the white surgical mask down past his mouth . It was too hot to be wearing that damn thing . He didn 't need it out here anyway . He hadn 't seen anyone walking the streets in almost two hours . People were staying home . Not that he could blame them . As much as duty poked at him to be at the base , he 'd rather be at home with his wife and son . Louise was frightened . He could hear it in her voice when he spoke to her on the phone the other night . When he told her he wouldn 't be home . Not just yet . The young officer got out . " Sorry sir , no . I 'm just here to relaying a message from city Council . They want you at City Hall . " The young officer shook his head . " Not sure . From what I heard , most of them are sick . Not sure when anything 's going to get fixed . " Marcus exhaled . " Great . " He looked back at the accident . " We can 't leave him there . The body will start to rot and decompose . " " I 'm not sure what we can do ? " The young officer placed his own mask over his face . " The hospitals are so full they cleared out the morgue to accompany the sick . " " Officer Daly . " He gripped his shoulder tight . " Thank you . When I 'm done at City Hall , I 'll see what I can do for him too . " The young officer nodded as Marcus walked toward the Jeep parked in front of the old police station . He drove up Queen a few blocks . Bags of garbage lined the street . Most were ripped open and their contents spilled onto the road . There were a few people out , masks over their faces , but judging by their clothing , they probably didn 't have a home to go to before all this started . Marcus cursed softly as he drove past some of the downtown stores . Windows were smashed in and the display cases emptied . It didn 't take long for the criminal element to take over . It was close to three weeks since all this started . He wondered where the humanity had gone . There was a small group of people standing on the steps of the old limestone building . Marcus didn 't see the mayor at all . He parked the jeep and got out . " The sickness is spreading faster and becoming more severe . " Atwell said . " We are all that 's left of all the employees in the building , and none of us can continue . We have to leave and focus on our recovery . " Atwell coughed into a handkerchief . " We need you to take over running the city . There 's no one left that 's qualified , and your base commander said you were one of their best . " Atwell looked past him . " Although , I 'm not sure what all you can do . City services are all but decimated . Public works has a small staff and to say they 're overwhelmed is an understatement . " He looked at Marcus . " If they don 't find out what cause this and cure this … " " I know . " Marcus didn 't want to think what might happen if they didn 't . " Look , don 't worry . You all go home and take care of yourself . I 'll get some people in here and we 'll try to keep things going for as long as we can , or until someone comes back to take over . " Captain Alan Myles ran his finger over the busted lock . Whoever broke into their weapons cache knew exactly what they were doing . He looked over his shoulder to the young solider standing a few feet away . " Which means they 'll probably be back . " He shut the gate door . " We 're going to have to move all the weapons to a new location . " Alan stopped and faced him . " Find the largest military transport vehicles on base and load them up . " He turned and walked away . " We 'll park them closer to the main building . It 'll be easier to guard them . " Stolen weapons . Great . That was all he needed . As if his day wasn 't bad enough now he had to worry about the fact there were military grade weapons on the street , and he knew whoever broke into a military base would have no qualms about using them . With the police department weakened and the military not far behind , Alan wasn 't sure how , or if they could get those weapons back . One thing he did know ; them would be back . " Bad enough , " Alan said . " A few weapons gone along with ammo . I 've ordered all the remaining weapons and ammunition into military transports . We can keep a closer eye on them if this way . " " Good idea . " He handed one of the sheets to Alan . " Look at his latest report . The CDC estimates this virus has infected over seventy percent of the global population . " " Or worse . " Norris rubbed his face in frustration . " We 've received reports from CFB Trenton that infected people are now lapsing into coma 's . Their base hospital is receiving comatose civilians and military personnel . Over - flow from the local hospitals . " He looked up at Alan . " We should prepare for the same response here . " The church bells echoed across the town as David sat on the lawn chair in his backyard . Still a few weeks to go before summer vacation and he was already bored out of his mind . It would be better if Robbie wasn 't sick , but there was nothing he could do about that . " Cos I 'm waiting for him to call . " He looked back at him . " He 's sick , remember , and I don 't wanna catch it . " He got up and walked to the edge of the yard . It 'd been four days since he 'd seen him last , and no word . He thought about going over , but the thought he might catch whatever his best friend had kept him away . No use in them both being sick . The Wiseman house looked empty as he pulled up to the driveway on his bike . There was a car in the driveway , but something about the feel of the place wasn 't right . He looked in the windows first before knocking on the screen door . Mr . Wiseman appeared behind the screen . He looked tired . " Hello , David . I 'm afraid Robbie isn 't here . We had to take him to the hospital last night . " " Sometimes these things happen . " Mr . Wiseman stepped out onto the porch . He was carrying a knapsack . " I was picking up some of his things . I 'm headed back to the hospital now . I 'll tell him you stopped by . " Mr . Wiseman hurried past , got into his car and drove away . David took one last look at the house as he got back on his bike and headed home . Robbie was a tough kid . He never got sick . He hoped Dr . Hallowell was right . His dad 's car was in the driveway when he rode up to his house . David dropped the bike just by the front steps and walked up to the back door . He heard his mother 's voice before he got to door . Marcus picked up a cup of coffee . " I wish I was . I 'm just on my way back out again . " He took a sip from his cup . " We 've got a lot of people sick so they 've called in the reserves . " " I don 't like it , " Louise said . " So many people sick . It 's spreading too fast . " She looked at David . " How 's Robbie doing ? " Marcus opened the front door . " Don 't worry . This is going to blow over . It feels scary now , but remember SARS ? Remember how everyone freaked over that ? " Marcus shut the door . " Look , until the CDC puts out some kind of public warning , you shouldn 't be worried . Just you watch , in a month this 'll all be over . " David sat at his computer desk , the blue hue from the screen the only light in his room . The web page for the browser game flashed with scenes from the videogame . He ran the curser over the page , highlighting the PLAY button . Robbie and him played this game . It wasn 't any fun playing without him , but he kinda wanted to pick up where they left off . He slumped back in his chair . No . That wasn 't fair . He could hold off until Robbie was back from the hospital . He got up and looked out his bedroom window . Hardly anyone out . He didn 't blame them . He didn 't want to go out either . He knew he wasn 't sick , but what did he know ? Someone else could be sick and what if he ran into them ? No thanks . His bedroom was fine . She shrugged and folded her arms across her chest . " Like stuff for the flu , if you can find any . " She rubbed her hand across her forehead . " Might be hard to find any after that newscast . " Louise smiled . " I 'm fine . I just want to make sure we 're ready . " She paused for a moment . " In case something does happen , I have a feeling going to the hospital won 't be an option . " The evening was quiet . Too quiet . David didn 't even hear any birds as he rode his bike along the side of the street toward the center of the village . Nights like tonight usually had kids playing out in their yards or on the street , elderly people out for walks and families sitting around eating bar - be - que . Not tonight . No since that news broadcast . He smiled at her . " Yeah , my Mom wanted me to pick up some stuff . " He looked down at the contents in the wire basket . " You 're shopping too ? " " Oh , this isn 't for me . It 's for the Jespersens down the street from us . They 're elderly and can 't get out much so I thought I 'd take some things . " He headed down one of the aisle . " That 's really nice of you . Not many people would think of others in a crisis . " He winced inward . That made him sound like a dork ! " Including the staff . " She rang up David 's items . " That 'll be $ 37 . 80 . Just about everyone called in sick today . If I 'd known it was gonna be like this , I would 've too . " Earnest Harmer stepped up behind Beth . " This is the Governments fault . " He dropped his basket of supplies on the check out . " Those meteorites were man - made . Probably by some terrorists tryin ' to make us all sick before they invade . " " Hey missy , don 't go rollin ' your eyes at me . You just wait . Once we 're all sick , those bastards will walk right in and take over . They 'll round up all the healthy people and put them in concentration camps , and start brainwashing us to their fanatical ways . " He wasn 't even looking at her now . " But they won 't get me . I 've got the bunker shut down tight . " He rocked back and forth on his feet . " Anyone tries to get inside 'll find one hell of a surprise waitin ' for them . " They were half way up a side street when the gang came into sight . Beth ducked in behind a bush , and pulled David and his bike with her . They watched the gang cross the street and head for the grocery story . David 's face was inches from Beth . So close he could hear her erratic breathing . They stepped out from the brush and headed up the street . The evening was even more quiet now than when he first went outside . He stole side glances of Beth every couple of feet . She didn 't look happy . His father 's words came back to him . He struggled at first to get the bike going , but after a few churns on the peddles , the bike made better speed . The rode down the middle of the road toward the outskirts of town . For some strange reason , David couldn 't stop grinning . Alan Miles stretched out on the bench outside Base Command and let the afternoon sun warm his body . His lunch hour was just about up and the thought of going back inside sucked the life right out of him . His head hurt . He 'd read report after report from the American 's about these ' non - terrestrial objects ' . Almost two dozen so far and had just about had his fill of cryptic content . " Thought I 'd find you out here . " Captain Marcus Miles strolled over to the bench and sat down . " Nothing like some fresh air to clear the mind . " Marcus sat back . " How the hell should I know ? " He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees . " What the hell is going on ? " Alan snorted . " Melissa does nothing but watch CBC and CNN all day . " He shifted his position on the bench . " Do you know how much of that sani - gel we have ? There are bottles of the stuff all over the apartment . I can 't touch her unless I 've covered my hands in that crap . " Alan shrugged . " A few of my neighbours are sick , but that 's about it , but then I don 't know everyone around me . Could be more . " The apartment building was quiet as Alan unlocked the glass front door . The smell of rotting garbage filled the lobby as a waste can overflowing with garbage sat in the corner of the room . Alan swore softly and walked toward the first floor hallway . This was getting ridiculous . He banged on the door marked SUPERINTENDENT . " Alan Miles . 2B . Have you smelled the shit out in the lobby ? Don 't you think it 's time to do your job and clean it up ? " The sound of a chain rattled against the door and a small crack opened up in the doorway . The sweaty partial face of a middle aged man looked out at him . " Yeah . . uh , sorry . I 've been sick . I 'll get to that tomorrow . " Alan 's anger subsided . " Sure . Whenever . Take care of yourself first . " He backed up from the entrance as the door slammed closed . Alan suddenly wished he had one of those bottles of sani - gel on him . He walked to the elevator and reached for the UP button , but hesitated . He pulled the sleeve of his jacket down over his hand and pushed the button with a covered knuckle and did the same for the buttons inside . The ride up was quick , or maybe it was because he was lost in thought . So many people suddenly falling sick . Strange rocks landing all over the planet . What the hell was going on ? He opened the door to his apartment , and threw his keys down on the small table . " Hey babe , I 'm home . " There was a pile of letters sitting neatly next to his keys . Alan picked them up and rummaged through them as he walked into the livingroom . " I 'm going to take a quick shower before we head out to my brother 's . " " Babe ? " He took a quick glance around the room . He could see just about the whole place from this spot . Except the bedroom . The apartment was too quiet . " Babe , you here ? " Alan . My parent 's neighbours called me at work . Mom and Dad got sick and fell into a coma . I 'm taking the first train to Ottawa . Call you when I get there . Alan lowered the note . " Shit . " Marcus tugged on the pull - tab of his beer relaxed into the patio chair . It was the first chance in a few days he 'd been able to just sit and relax . A part of him told him to enjoy it . He might not get another chance like this for a while . She smiled and walked over to him . " I 'm just glad you 're home . " She made herself comfortable in his lap . " I understand they need you on the base , but these extra shifts with you away is hard . " She bend her head down and gently kissed him on the lips . " Well we 'll have another bar - be - que when she gets back . " Louise tapped Marcus on the shoulder . " I go get the meat and you can start . " " Coma . I talked to Melissa before I came over . Her parents were fine , healthy as a horse up until four days ago . Then they both came down with flu - like symptoms . " " That 's what she said the doctors are calling it . It starts off like a cold or flu , then rapidly gets worse . She said that a lot of the cases they have in the hospitals up in Ottawa are falling into comas . " Marcus stood . He wasn 't sure why , but sitting wasn 't something he wanted to do . " Why haven 't we heard anything on the news ? " He walked into the house and over to the fridge . This wasn 't right . He wasn 't a doctor or anything , but Davy had been sick enough times that he knew the chain of symptoms didn 't sound right . Worse , it didn 't feel right . Marcus held his breath as the image of the President of the United States appeared on the screen . He didn 't hear all the speech , but what he did was eloquent and said with heart - felt emotion . As the last few words were spoken , Marcus knew this would be the start to something never seen before in human history . On this day a new word would be added to the lexicon of popular words ; The week was coming to an end . David dreaded the three days he would have to work at his part - time job . Sure , he liked the money , even if it wasn 't much . It kept him from mooching off his parents , which was good . There were times he didn 't really want to explain what he wanted the money . The only good thing about the weekend was the dance . The gravel road shook his bike hard . Maybe he should start saving up for a car . A few more years and he 'll have his driver 's licence . Then he 'll have real freedom . He pulled up to the only set of lights in the down and waited as the afternoon traffic passed . The new subdivision next to the golf course was full of retiree 's and they all seemed to head to the lone restaurant at the same time . He waved at his mother as she parked their car and walked toward him . The front door was open when David walked up the stairs . He knocked . At first , he wasn 't sure if anyone was home , but then heavy footsteps came down the stairs . " Not a problem . When your wife called and told me his symptoms , I figured it was this . Better to have him stay at home then come in and spread it around . " He looked at David . " How are you feeling ? " " If you did , " The doctor said . " You 'd be showing symptoms by now , but you might be a carrier . Try to stay away from large groups of people . " " No , you best stay away until he 's feeling better . " The doctor said . " You 're healthy and you need to stay that way . " He looked back at Mr . Wiseman . " I won 't be in the office for the rest of the day , but if you have any concerns call the Clinic . I 've got a resident in there helping with the extra work load . " He jumped on his bike and headed toward Main Street . A group of people were gathered out on the sidewalk just down a side street . There ambulance was there and people were talking to each other and hugging . He saw Beth and rode up to her . Dr . Halloway pulled up next to David and jumped out of his car . He ran past the groups of people and into the house . A few moments later , he walked out onto the porch looking defeated . The paramedics followed , gently guiding a gurney down the stairs . The doctor looked at the house and then at David . " Don 't worry , your friend is going to be fine . He 's a young man with a strong immune system . Mr . Pergin was elderly and had a serious heath issue . " David pulled his bike onto the road and peddled off . He 'd have a great story to tell Robbie . Who knows , maybe Beth could find someone for him ? They could all hang out together . David smiled . Yeah , this was going to be a great summer vacation . The traffic on Main Street was busy . David rode his bike along the side of the road and up a couple side streets . He hadn 't heard from Robbie in two days . Not since he found that rock by the creek . He doubted Robbie would even come out today . That guy was a nerd of the first order . His room was filled with geeky science stuff . David never understood it . Well , not in the same way as Robbie . The Wiseman house was big and old . One of the first homes built in the area . David liked coming over just because it was so creepy . Even more so since Mr . Wiseman painted the whole thing a soft olive green . Now it looked like the house was ready to puke . The gentle breeze moved the swinging chair on the porch and it creaked as David knocked on the wooden screen door . Small wind chimes rang out in the gentle wind , and he could hear kids playing in the neighbour 's backyard . The summer break was just starting and this year it was going to be great . He was old enough not to need a babysitter , which meant plenty of free time . " Probably not . He hasn 't come downstairs for breakfast yet . " She opened the screen door wider . " You can go on up , get Lazybones out of bed . " David stepped inside as she walked away . The house smelled good . It always did . Mrs . Wiseman didn 't have a job like his mom , so she was always baking or cooking something . How Robbie wasn 't three - hundred pounds was beyond him . The house was always clean too . Not one thing out of place . It looked nice , but it was too clean . Like a museum . A scene frozen in time from one of those old television shows . He turned right at the top of the stairs and knocked on the first door . " Hey , Robbie . You up ? " This wasn 't like his friend . Robbie rose with the sun . He was one of those people that couldn 't sleep once it was light out . No answer . David knocked on the door again . " Dude ? " He opened the door a crack , just wide enough to get a look at one side of the bedroom . " Are you in here ? " he pushed the door all the way open and stepped inside . Robbie 's bed was on the other side of the room , and the long lump in the middle stirred . Robbie pulled the blanket back away from his head . His face was pink and sweaty , and strands of dark red hair were plastered to the side of his cheek . His eyes opened just a crack . " What are you doing here ? " By the time they got to the park , Robbie was looking a little better . At least he didn 't look like he just got up . They dropped their bikes near the wood climbers and made their way to the top . " What if , what if , what if . Can 't go through life always saying what if , my man . " He nudged him on the arm . " Now 's your chance . Here she comes . " David didn 't move and his mouth went dry . What was he supposed to say to her ? What if she turned him down ? Or worse , what if she laughed at him ? Beth walked to the climbers . " I 'm supposed to help my Mom clean , but couldn 't do it anymore . It 's so boring ! " " Can 't . My mom only let me come out to get some ice cream . If I don 't get home , she 'll send Dad out to find me , and … " She got up from the climbers and David followed . He walked beside her to the edge of the park and got his bike . Should he ask her to the dance ? Would she turn him down ? He picked at his handlebars as they walked up one of the side streets . He 'd better make up his mind fast . Her home was just around the corner . Captain Alan Miles hurried through the corridor and entered the Base Commander 's outer office . Whatever was up the commander 's craw , his phone call was less than pleasant . He gave a quick nod to the receptionist as he passed by . Alan knocked before quickly opening the door . Colonel Hank Norris sat behind his desk , the receiver of the phone against his ear . He motioned to Alan to come in and sit . Norris pinched the bridge of his nose . " I wish it was that simple . " He looked up at him . " Alan , we may be heading into a world of trouble . " Darke Conteur is a writer at the mercy of her Muse . The author of stories in several genres , she prefers to create within the realms Science Fiction and Dark Fantasy . A pagan at heart , her personal goal it to find her balance within nature ; exploring the dark through her stories and the light through her beliefs . When not writing or working with crystals , she enjoys knitting , gardening , cooking and very loud music . Follow Me On Twitter ! RT @ samroebuck : Also sup # SFFpit . I 'm an agent at @ foundrymedia looking for mostly adult SFF with a twist of the weird and funny . I 'll be b … 20 hours ago |
It never ceased to amaze Gloria how going a few blocks on the Hill could feel like walking into a completely different world . There were so many people , buildings , and businesses densely packed together that a person could go for days without leaving a three or four block radius yet still be able to get anything they needed . So while the Club McPhisto was only a six or seven minute walk from the OneStop , it could still be in an area she barely knew . " When the hell did this happen ? " Gloria asked as they walked north up Grant Street . She gestured with her duffel bag at a half - finished building that had been nothing more than a parking lot last time she saw it . " Oh , don 't get me started on that crap , " Caleb said . Gloria waited for him to get started anyway , but he stayed quiet . In fact , he had been pretty quiet for almost ten minutes now . That had to be a new record for him . She 'd noticed lately that he 'd been distracted , but she hadn 't asked him what was up . They may have been sleeping together , but that didn 't mean she 'd gotten comfortable being too personal with him yet . Gloria stopped and looked at the construction site . There wasn 't really much she could see . The outer edge was lit by the street lights , but most of it was just shadows . From what she could make out , it looked like it might be kind of high class when it was done . The upper floors looked like they would probably be apartments , while the bottom floor looked like it had multiple entrances . There would probably be a number of businesses there . " Yeah , I think so . I mean , I 've never gone in there . Isn 't it supposed to be kind of famous or something ? " " It was , but not anymore . Back in the sixties and seventies , this whole area was starting to catch on to the counter - culture thing . Probably because it 's so weird , people could do all sorts of drugs and thought the things they saw at night were just hallucinations or whatever . In the seventies , Shakespeare 's Records wasn 't just a music store . It was a studio , and the home of one of the earliest independent punk rock labels . It 's part of the reason I originally moved to the Hill . I thought being close to all that was really cool . Did you know , word on the street is that the first band on the label was a bunch of fairies ? Supposedly they would turn the heads of anyone that booed them into donkeys . Don 't mess with a punk rock fairy , man . " " Actually , I think I saw him passed out in an alley a block back . My point is that that store is history . Not some cookie - cutter big box music store like you find for the tourists when you go downtown . You can 't just replace that one store with any other . And now it 's gone . Some company bought it out two weeks ago . That 's the exact same thing that 's happening all over this neighborhood . Give the Hill enough time , and everything that makes it unique and bizarre and awesome and scary will be gone . All that will be left is condos and Starbucks . " Gloria looked again at the half - finished construction . She supposed he was partially right , but she didn 't completely buy it . " What was the last customer you served before you left work tonight ? " " Right . And you know what was one of the first things I did when I started my shift at the Sin Depot tonight ? I gave a lap dance to a triffid . " " My point is where else can a giant carnivorous plant go for a lap dance ? Where 's a vampire gonna go to get ice cream ? As long as these things exist , they 'll need a place where they can go and do everyday normal things . Even if the Hill were to change , it can 't change completely . It will always be bizarre and wonderful and scary , no matter how much people try to whitewash it . " Caleb grunted . " Maybe . " He started walking again . " Maybe things won 't change , maybe they will . Maybe some things will change and the wrong things will stay the same . " Gloria didn 't want to stop the conversation , but she knew him well enough to know when he was too stubborn to budge . Whatever was really on his mind , he wasn 't going to share it now no matter how much she prodded . She would just have to wait until he was ready . They could hear the Club McPhisto before they rounded a corner and saw it . The ground shook with the bass of dance music , and there was a murmur of people waiting outside . That had to suck . The temperature was close to freezing at this time of night , and the weathermen had predicted the city would see the first snow of the year within a few days . Yet most of the people standing in line hoping to get in weren 't dressed very warm . They were dressed to look good in the hopes of picking someone up and getting laid . It probably didn 't occur to any of them that nobody looked good with frostbite . The outside of the building was pretty plain . A few of the other trendy clubs in the city tried to entice people to them with flashy exteriors , but the Club McPhisto didn 't need that . It relied entirely on reputation and word of mouth to get people to it . During the day , casual onlookers probably wouldn 't even realize it was a nightclub . The only thing that clued people in on what might be inside the squat red building were the line of people , the velvet ropes outside the door , and the gigantic gentleman guarding the door with a clipboard . Gloria guessed that he probably wasn 't completely human , but he didn 't show any of the telltale demon signs of Mary 's bodyguards . Gloria and Caleb approached him slowly , aware that everyone in line was giving them the evil eye . " Seriously ? We 've been sleeping together for months now and you still can 't remember my last name ? All your smoking must be killing your damned brain cells . " " Hey , it 's not like I need to call out your last name during sex . I don 't even usually need to use your first name . All I need to say is ' What , done already ? ' " Gloria took a couple seconds to translate the pig latin in her head . " Oh . Okay . " The bouncer let them through the velvet rope , and there was an audible grumble from the waiting crowd as they went in . There was a lady at a register near the front taking cover charges along with another bouncer . This bouncer must have been told a little about them , because he made sure to pat them both down for weapons before he let them go further . Despite their protests , he wouldn 't let them take their duffel bags in with them . Gloria hadn 't expected they would be allowed to go into the meeting armed , but she 'd wanted to bring the bags just in case they could . As they walked into the club proper Caleb tried to say something , but the music was too loud for her to hear him . " I don 't know , maybe a year ago ? This kind of place isn 't my scene , even without the hellspawn owner . " The interior didn 't look like it had changed much , though . A long , remarkably well - stocked bar took up the center portion of the room . The bar itself looked like it was glowing , but Gloria couldn 't be sure if that was some trick of the lighting or something supernatural . A dance floor and a DJ booth took up one whole side of the club , while the other was full of tables and booths in dark corners . A quick glance showed Gloria that pretty much all of the dancers looked completely human , although she occasionally thought she saw a pointed ear or two poking out from someone 's hair . There were forms in the darkened booths , however , that were too disproportionate to be anything other than beasties . That would be where they had to stay , too , if they wanted to continue coming back to the Club McPhisto . If a mundy saw a malformed shadow , that could still just be dismissed as an effect of the alcohol or drugs being passed around . If one of these things came out into the shifting and pulsing light of the dance floor , though , that would make Mary McPhisto mad . And nobody wanted her mad . Gloria stepped up to the bar and wormed her way through a crowd of drunk people until the bartender saw her . The bartender looked like she hadn 't slept in days , and when she looked in Gloria 's direction her gaze was unfocused . There were a pair of bracelets on her wrists that look suspiciously like golden manacles , although there was no chain attached to them . Gloria looked at Caleb , but he just shook his head . There was obviously something wrong with the poor woman , but they couldn 't do anything right now . " Um , we 're supposed to meet with Mary McPhisto . Can you tell us where we 're supposed to find her ? " The bartender twitched , gave a small and pained gasp , and then spoke again . " Mistress is in her office . " She pointed with her thumb at a door near the back , then turned to the person next to Gloria . " Yes ? What can I get you ? " The door was down a short hallway , and as they approached it the sound of the music seemed to taper off . By the time they were actually within knocking distance of the door , they could barely hear any of the noise out in the rest of the club . There didn 't seem to be anything special about the hallway to deaden the sound , so Gloria could only assume there was something enchanted about it . Maybe McPhisto didn 't want to be disturbed by the sounds of her own club , although Gloria bet she more likely didn 't want anyone outside hearing things in the office . All manner of things could happen in there , and no one outside would be the wiser . " Anybody smart always has a bad feeling on the Hill . Can 't avoid it , though . I mean , come on . We 've faced worse , right ? " Caleb didn 't answer . He was probably trying to think what else on the Hill might be worse than Mary McPhisto . Gloria couldn 't think of anything or anyone off the top of her head . " Come in , " Hannah 's voice said from inside . It gave Gloria a chill . She wondered for a moment how McPhisto could imitate the voice without actually having Hannah 's voicebox , but for all she knew McPhisto had ripped out the poor girl 's larynx right along with her skin . Caleb opened the door and they both walked in . Gloria had almost expected some medieval torture chamber inside , but it looked like a normal office . It was much larger than Gloria would have expected , and there were tall filing cabinets lining two of the walls . She doubted McPhisto needed all that filing space just for club business . Mary McPhisto sat behind a large , somewhat ornate wooden desk with her elbows resting on the surface and her hands folded in front of her . There were three comfortable - looking chairs just in front of the desk , and McPhisto gestured for them both to sit . Everything appeared very civil and normal , if Gloria ignored the woman 's glowing red eyes . " Glad you could make it , Alvarez , " McPhisto said . She nodded at Caleb and Gloria waited for her to say his last name , but she didn 't . " You as well . " " Of course I do . It 's … " He paused . The pause went on for a very long time . " Miss McPhisto , that 's the point where you 're supposed to interrupt me for comedic effect . " " Don 't call me miss . And I don 't do comedic effect . Sorry , " McPhisto said . " I do business . Are you two ready to do business as well , or do you want to continue acting like morons for a while longer ? " She reached down to open a drawer in her desk and pulled out a small , locked wooden box . She pushed it across her desk and let it sit between them . Gloria entertained the idea of just grabbing it and running , but she was sure McPhisto had a few hidden tricks that wouldn 't even let her get as far as the door . " So , " McPhisto said . " I have the Osterhaggis Key . You want it . Let us see what it takes for me to give it to you . " " Pardon me if this seems a little weird to me , " Gloria said . " You 've had the key ever since the beginning of summer . You could have sold it , or you could have traveled to one of the places it works and used it . Instead you wait all this time and then want to just give it to us . " " So what are you saying ? " Gloria asked . " That you want us to take the key for your own nefarious interests , and you 're not trying to hide that from us ? " " Why would I try to hide it ? Despite the way you two always bumble your way through supernatural problems , I know you 're both intelligent enough to realize when I might be trying to screw you over . So I 'm not going to avoid the issue . Yes , I want you to have the key so I can inevitably screw you over . " Gloria looked over at Caleb , who stared at McPhisto with his mouth wide open . " Did you just … " Caleb said . " Are you actually telling us that you 're setting us up ? " Caleb blinked . " Then why tell us ? In order to avoid whatever this trap is , all we need to do is not take the key . That doesn 't seem very smart . " " So , I don 't get it , " Caleb said . " You 're smart , so you wouldn 't tell us you 're up to something by giving us the key . But you did tell us . Which must mean … um … you actually don 't want us to take the key . " " But she would know we would figure that out , " Gloria said . " She tells us we can just have the key , so we decide we shouldn 't , but we know that 's what she wants so we decide we should . Which she knows we would do , so maybe we shouldn 't . " " Okay , " Caleb said . " I 'm completely and totally confused . We don 't want to do whatever she wants us to do , but what does she really want us to do ? " " There 's the door , " McPhisto said . " You 're free to walk out of it at any time . Are you sure you don 't want to take the key with you ? None of my customary contracts for this sort of exchange , no need to promise me your skin or soul . I 'll give it to you free of any charge . " " Somehow I doubt that , " Gloria said . She stood up , waiting for Caleb to stand up with her before she went for the door . He moved slowly , like he was still too dazed by this whole thing to understand that a hasty retreat was probably the sanest move just now . Gloria waited for Mary to try something as she grabbed Caleb 's arm and pulled him to the door , but nothing happened . Once they were out the door and it closed behind them , Gloria paused . She thought some nasty surprise might have been waiting for them out here , but still everything was calm . In fact , it was a little eerie how serene the quiet hall was , considering how rowdy the crowd was not too far away . " Because I have the same feeling , " Gloria said . " And I 'll do you one better . What do you want to bet that some time in the very near future we 're going to discover just how horribly screwed over we now are ? " Phil waited , hoping that Courtney would realize the awkward pause in the conversation meant she was supposed to answer in sentences consisting of more than just one word , but she didn 't take the hint . Instead she just walked into the store , went in back to punch in and put on one of the blue OneStop smocks , and then went about her job . Caleb and Gloria said hi to her on their way out , but even though they were the closest things she had to friends she still didn 't give them anything more than a nod back . In someone else Phil might have thought she was mad at everyone for calling her in , but he had learned to just accept her like this . He didn 't see her often enough to know if she was like this all the time , but considering everything she had been through , it would have been unreasonable to expect her to just one day be happy and chipper . That didn 't mean it would be fun working with her . It was coming up on a year now since he had first met Sue , and although they hadn 't started dating ( or doing the closest thing he could with someone who slept six feet under during the day ) until after Valentine 's Day , it still felt to him like their relationship had been going on longer . Of course , any relationship longer than a couple months was a long time for him . He didn 't know if it was because of him or the girls he had dated , but after too long he 'd begun to feel bored in his relationships . He 'd never felt the need to get close to any of them . Sue was different , although he wasn 't sure why just yet . Part of him wanted to say that was because she was a zombie and the novelty of the relationship hadn 't worn out yet . But another , growing part of him didn 't want to think that . He wanted something more than just a story of an interesting yet bizarre relationship in his history . He wanted to believe that , if Sue hadn 't been among the breathing - challenged set , he would still feel the same for her . Courtney came up to Phil by the registers . " There anything specific you need me to work on right now ? " she asked . Her face showed virtually no emotion as she spoke . There were a lot of people on the Hill with their own little creepy issues , but Courtney 's problem was one of the few that unnerved him . Maybe that was because , unlike most of the strange customers , he actually knew what had made her like this . Courtney had trouble showing emotion thanks to a combination of her condition and way too much makeup hiding the subtleties of her expressions . At least she had gotten much better at the makeup since she 'd first had to start . Her face , her hands , and any other bit of exposed flesh once again matched her original light brown complexion . Anyone looking at her would never guess that , under her clothes , she was green and had leaves growing in unseemly places . She 'd come from another universe where humans had fought a war against sentient vegetables and lost . Her condition was the result of a virus the vegetables had used in an attempt to control her . Now she was part plant . " Um , no , " Phil said . " Caleb got most of the work done before he left . I 'll just need your help to deal with the bar rush in about an hour . " " Yeah , sure , " Phil said . Courtney went into the back and pulled out a cellophane - wrapped chunk of raw hamburger that she 'd brought with her . She 'd once told him she couldn 't eat vegetables anymore because it felt like cannibalism , although Phil thought sometimes she was more afraid that any vegetables she ate would try to rise up and kill her again . Phil still didn 't understand why she had to eat the meat raw , but before he could ask the front door chime went off . He went back to the register to see a girl in paint - spattered jeans standing in front of it with a worried look on her face . Phil knew her face but couldn 't remember her name . She was around here enough that he wasn 't surprised when she said his name . Phil nearly forgot to grab his duffel bag of weapons from under the counter before he ran around the counter for the door . The thought that Sue might be in danger almost trumped the common sense that , if something were happening to her , it probably wasn 't something mundane . No one in their right mind would mess with a zombie . Phil unzipped his duffel bag as he ran out the door , trying to figure which of the many mystical weapons he could use for a situation like this . He wasn 't certain immediately what was going on , but he thought maybe he got the gist of it . A couple people were starting to gather at the street corner to watch , but they kept a safe distance as three men surrounded Sue in the middle of the street . All three were white men that Phil guessed were in their thirties . Two of them were overweight and kept some distance from Sue , but the third looked like someone Phil wouldn 't usually want to mess with . Despite the cold weather , all he wore was a tank top and jeans . Phil thought his head was shaved , but it was hard to tell between the poor lighting from the street lamps and the ragged cowboy hat on the man 's head . While the two larger men saw Phil coming and took a step back , the cowboy didn 't pay him any attention . Instead he shoved Sue backward . Her balance wasn 't great even under normal circumstances , and she fell over and slammed her head against the pavement . Phil wouldn 't normally worry about her getting hurt - she was already dead , after all - but head damage could still stop her cold . " Hey , get the fuck away from her ! " Phil screamed . He tried to blindly grab something from the bag as he ran at them , anything that he could use as a weapon , but his fingers kept touching bottles of holy water or spellbooks . The distance closed before he could get anything useful , and as the cowboy turned to look at Phil with surprise , Phil made a quick decision and zipped the bag back up . Before the cowboy had a chance to do or say anything more , Phil swung his duffel bag in an upward arc , clocking the cowboy right across the chin and sending him sprawling next to Sue . Phil kept an eye on all three of them as he bent low to help Sue up , but the cowboy was the only one who appeared to be a threat , and he was still groaning on the ground . Phil gently grabbed Sue by the arms and helped her to her feet , taking care not to accidently pull too hard and take off any of her skin . He 'd done that once during sex and it wasn 't pretty . " You okay , honey ? " he asked . She still had a shocked look on her face , but then her range of facial expressions wasn 't terribly wide . She wasn 't crying , at least . That was something most people never realized . Zombies could cry , too . " Fiiiiine , " Sue said . Her head slowly moved back to look at the cowboy , and she backed away from him , almost tripping over her own feet this time . Phil caught her and held her steady . " What the hell is wrong with you ? " The cowboy made a big show of dusting himself off , even though he didn 't have anything on him . " This thing was trying to eat my fucking brains . " Phil snorted . In the whole time he 'd known her , he had only seen Sue eat brains twice . The first time had been the brains of a clown demon , and the second time had been a cybernetic elephant . He 'd had to help her pick pieces of circuit board out of her teeth after that one . Never once had he seen her intentionally harm a person that hadn 't tried to harm her first . " I don 't give a rat 's ass what you highly doubt , " the cowboy said . " That thing is a menace . If I had a gun right now … " " You would be walking funny because I would shove it up your pasty white ass , " Phil said . " I know her . She wouldn 't attack anyone unprovoked . So even if she did go after you , you must have deserved it . " For the first time , the cowboy appeared to notice the way Phil held Sue . He took a step away and wrinkled his face in disgust . " Oh shit . Boy , please tell me you 're not doing with that thing what I think your doing . " " It 's none of anyone else 's business what me and my girlfriend do . " He realized as the words came out of his mouth that he hadn 't hesitated at all in admitting their relationship . Only a few months ago he 'd been too embarrassed to show her any affection in public , yet now he could admit the truth to a complete stranger . That certainly seemed to him like proof that she was more to him than just an experiment . He smiled even as the cowboy cracked his knuckles . Phil unzipped his duffel bag and reached inside . Now that he wasn 't running he found something threatening in it a lot quicker . He pulled out a silver stake and pointed it at the guy . The stake may have been designed as a dual weapon against vampires and werewolves , but it would still work just as well against a human . " Yeah , " Phil said . " It really is . " The two larger men backed even further away . The cowboy just looked at the stake for several seconds . Briefly , Phil thought he might try something . He wasn 't sure if he was comfortable with the idea of actually using the stake on a human , but a threat was a threat . Sometimes the beasties weren 't the bad guys . " You 're going to regret this , " the cowboy finally said . He turned and walked away down 13th Street , angrily motioning at the other two to follow him . Phil watched until they were nearly out of sight . Revenge threats weren 't something to ignore around here , and he had no idea when it might come . But for now , at least , they looked like they wouldn 't be a problem . " Aaaaai waaaaalk , theeeey pooooosh , " Sue said . Her speech had gotten a lot better than it used to be . There were a lot of mystical factors that had helped her along in that regard , but they couldn 't account for all of her improvement . Once in a great while she was even able to speak in whole sentences , but most times he still had trouble figuring out what she tried to convey . " You were just walking along and they started pushing you around ? Is that it ? " She nodded . " Well there has to be more to it than that . " " I saw them start it , " the girl in the paint - spattered clothes said . She 'd come up behind him when he hadn 't been paying attention . " They just started harassing her , no reason or anything . " " I heard rumors that the dude in the hat runs a meth lab or something . It 's not like she 's the first one he 's screwed with . There was a story that he just went up to some vampire last week that was begging for change on 15th and just staked him . " Phil hugged Sue close to him . " I 'm sorry about all that , " he said . Sue hugged him back , but the contact with her didn 't make him feel any more at ease . He 'd killed monsters on the Hill before , had in fact done it more times than he could count . But every time it had been because the world was at stake or someone was in trouble . There hadn 't seemed like any other choice . To do like that guy and assume something was bad just because it wasn 't human was … well , the first word that popped in Phil 's head was racism , but that didn 't really cover it . " Come on , Sue . Let 's go inside where it 's warm , " he said . He looked back over his shoulder as they went in . The cowboy was gone . Suddenly Phil wasn 't very comfortable letting Sue wander around the Hill by herself . Welcome back ! The newest book in the Apocalypse Shift series continues . If you 're new here and would like to start the book from the beginning , you can click here . If you 're still confused and would like to read the first book in the series , you can order it here . And in non - AS news , the release of my new collection Machina is almost upon us ! The official release isn 't for a few days , but you can pre - order the print book at the publisher 's website , and the Mobipocket version is already available ! Snookie would have been much more comfortable sleeping in her bed , but the bed , although made and meticulously dusted every day , hadn 't had her in it for years now . There 'd been a time , after she had retired from her calling , where she had bought the bed brand new and hoped sleep in it without nightmares . In the end , it hadn 't been the nightmares that were the problem so much as plain old habit . Sleeping in a bed was too comfortable . If she slept there she felt like she might not get up in the event that something horrible happened and she needed to come back to her senses in a hurry . It no longer mattered that she couldn 't do anything in a hurry . She just didn 't feel right otherwise . Much like the night before , Snookie wasn 't entirely sure what was happening when a loud noise woke her up . She at least woke with a clear enough head to remember yesterday , so her first thought was that the apocalypse was coming again . Twice in two days . That was uncommon , but not unheard of . She remembered one memorable time in her youth when she 'd had to deal with nine separate Ends of the World in one week . She immediately looked around , trying to see if the source of the End might have found a way into her apartment . From the repeated , ear - splitting shriek she had to guess this thing was somewhere in the room with her . Maybe this was it . After all these years maybe something had found her and was ready to pounce , taking her out when she wasn 't prepared . It was a relief , really . She was prepared to finally stop living like this . Then she realized the noise was just her phone . She sighed , then realized this was nothing to be disappointed about . Her phone was actually ringing . She didn 't remember the last time she 'd heard that noise . She 'd bought the phone purely to place calls to the outside world , and even then those were only to make an order with the grocery delivery service or to let the pharmacy know she was low on her meds . No one ever called her . Her family was long gone , and all her friends … well , she 'd killed them , hadn 't she ? So just who the hell would possibly want to talk to her at … she looked at the clock on the wall . Almost one o ' clock in the morning now . It certainly couldn 't be anything official , like the landlord . Whoever had deemed it necessary to contact her , they kept night shift hours . Interesting . She went for the phone as quick as she could , but in her current half - asleep condition that took the best part of a minute . Still , the phone didn 't stop . Whoever was on the other end had to be patient . One with the universe . That damned phrase had so annoyed her back in the day . She 'd heard it all the time and had grown to hate it . But now those four simple words were so beautiful to her ears , beautiful and scary at the same time . Snookie laughed , and with that she really did start to cry . " I always knew , you know . Not about the hand . About the way you felt . I always felt so bad about it … " " Then this is your chance . Our chance , really . We can put all of it right again . " Her voice hitched , like she was trying to keep from crying herself . " Both for us and for Dani and Cory . " " That 's right , " Aurora said . If Snookie hadn 't been letting her emotions get the better of her , she might have noticed Aurora 's slightly malicious tone , but she didn 't . " One with the universe . Just as we should be . " Welcome to the next chapter of The Apocalypse Shift Book 2 . If you 've missed any of it so far , here 's a link to go back and start from the beginning . If you haven 't read the first book , then it 's available for purchase here ( I 've got some cool news I 'm sitting on about TAS , but I 'm not at liberty to reveal it yet . I 'll post information here when I can ) . Also , don 't forget that my non - AS universe collection Machina will be released at the beginning of April and is now available for pre - order . " What , so you can call her while she 's in her grave ? " Caleb said . " I 'm sure the dirt makes it hard to talk no matter how good the phone is . " Phil took one of the phones down and looked at it . The bright Qwark Telecommunications logo on the package was almost as obnoxious as the ever - lit sign at the top of the Qwark building downtown . " I just worry about her sometimes , " Phil said . " I 'd like to make sure she 's okay once in a while when she 's not here . " " Except she 's always hanging around , so you shouldn 't have to worry , " Caleb said . He didn 't understand why the OneStop needed to start carrying the prepaid cells in the first place . The only people who would try to buy them from a place like this were drug dealers and cultists looking for the next creative way to place the call of Cthulhu . But Big Maggie had been ordered to start stocking them by the higher ups , so whatever . It was about midnight on a Thursday , so although there was a steady stream of customers , it at least wasn 't too busy . Caleb was glad for that . He 'd found it harder lately to fake being polite to some of the people that came in . He 'd think about all the things he would rather be doing than working at a convenience store , bizarre and unpredictable or not , but then realize he didn 't have anything else to do . The store , after so damned long here , had pretty much become his life . Something knocked at the glass front door , and Caleb looked up to see a black bird on the front walk , its beak tapping incessantly at the glass . He went around the counter and opened the door . " What do you want ? " The bird looked up at him , cawed , and the hopped one hundred and eighty degrees to caw back at the parking lot . It took wing , vanishing momentarily into the night . Caleb was about to close the door when he heard the flutter of many more wings . He continued holding the door as twenty or thirty black birds struggled through , carrying a dead body with their feet . They dropped it just inside the door then flew off , leaving only one bird behind . Caleb wasn 't sure if it was even possible , but the bird looked like it panted from exertion . " Hey ! " Caleb said to the bird . The body belonged to a skinny , pale man with stringy black hair . He appeared to have a gunshot wound to his chest . " You can 't leave that in here ! " " This is a place of business , " Caleb said . " If you aren 't going to buy something then you have no business coming back to life here . That 's loitering . " " Hey , " Phil said . " Why don 't you try the Florblue Pharmacy east of here on 15th ? If you hurry you might be able to catch them before they close . " The dead guy ran out the door without another word . The door slammed as the bird took wing to follow , causing it to crash into the window . It cawed mournfully until Caleb finally let it out to follow the dead guy . Caleb finally smiled , probably for the first time that night . " Oh , no , nothing like that . In fact , things with us are so good . Although , yesterday while we were in bed … " " Hold it . I really don 't want to know about you two 's sex life . How would you like it if I started talking about sex with Sue ? " " Okay , that 's it , " Phil said . " Let me tell you something about being in a relationship with a zombie . You see , they have these extra holes … " " Ew , stop ! Okay , I get it . Look , doesn 't matter . My point is , there may be little tiny problems sometimes with our relationship , but everything else is great . Really great . " " I don 't know . Maybe , " Caleb said . That was something he wasn 't ready to talk about yet . The idea had occurred to him that maybe , at some point in the future , he might want to think about ring shopping , but for now there were just other things on his mind . He had just felt restless lately , and it had nothing to do with Gloria . He couldn 't pinpoint the reason , but it was there , somewhere inside him . Gloria stepped aside and let Caleb ring the Baron up . She continued talking as he worked . " I really think we should have this conversation in private , " Gloria said . " There might be some things we don 't want get out into the gossip mill . " " Everything always becomes gossip around here eventually , " Caleb said . " If you were fired , then there 's probably a lot of people out there who would want to know that . Better they know the whole thing than just random half - truths , right ? " " Okay , " Caleb said to the other customers in front of his register . " This register 's closed . Phil can take care of everyone . " Phil gave him a dirty look , but that was too bad . Gloria had been right . If they were going to discuss one of the biggest power players on the Hill , one whose enemies routinely had a way of disappearing , then they should really move the conversation somewhere that other people wouldn 't hear . They both went into the back room . Gloria took a seat cross - legged on the desk while Caleb stood over by the crack in the floor at the mop sink . It wasn 't quite big enough to fall through , which was good because that meant nothing could come up from it , either . He could sometimes hear things speaking from down there , and Caleb didn 't have any desire to meet them . " Hold on . I thought Hancock had full ownership of the place . No co - owners , no loans out on it , nothing . Am I right ? So how the hell could she possibly suddenly become the owner without his permission ? " " She said it 's a zoning thing . I didn 't really understand it myself . It all sounded like legalese gobbledygook to me . Something called the Historic Hill Beautification Project . Somehow she got a whole bunch of local politicians to declare the Sin Depot a blight on the community , and now it belongs to her so she can close it down . " " I don 't think it needs to , if she works quickly enough . She probably just needed to get pictures of the right people with their dicks in something 's tentacles , just to get control of it for now . She 's already announced plans to knock the building down . By the time anyone figures out how to legally challenge a demon with all the right connections , the Sin Depot will already be gone . " " That 's total bullshit , " Caleb said . Phil stepped in , listening to them both from the door while keeping an eye on the front . " We 've got to do something . " Gloria shook her head . " He got corrupted by the yellow impurity in his bar exam and turned into the villainous Paralegal . Not gonna help us . And besides , when you 're talking about someone like Mary McPhisto , you 're not just dealing with human laws . We 're talking about metaphysical rules and regulations too . Trying to navigate through messes like that is a good way to lose your soul . " Gloria looked down at her hands in her lap , and her voice went quiet . " Just ask Hannah about that one , I guess . " " Ask Hannah . She had to have been one of the last people Mary McPhisto talked to before she went to the Sin Depot , right ? Maybe McPhisto said something about what is going on . Maybe Hannah could at least give us some clue what she 's up to . " " Hello ? Don 't you remember where you are ? The store has a ghost that haunts the security camera and Phil 's girlfriend is a zombie . Around here death is just an inconvenience . " Caleb felt bad when he saw Gloria wince . Her mother had passed away recently , and he knew she still had some issues when it came to that . She didn 't need to be reminded of those kind of things , but that didn 't make his point less valid . " I 've gotten one to work right here in the back room , " Caleb said . " But I don 't think they 're very reliable . As soon as I tried it , the first thing the little indicator doohickey spelled out was if this was going to be carry out or delivery . But there are other ways . I know a spell that can summon spirits . " " I really don 't know . Guess I 've just got the magic touch and you don 't . " The look on Gloria 's face at that told him that he definitely wasn 't going to be getting any after work tonight . " Well , I 'm not sure that any of that matters anyway , " Gloria said . " If we really want to know what Mary McPhisto 's intentions are for the Sin Depot land , we could just ask her in two hours . She might even give us an honest answer , but I doubt it . " " Holy hell , are you fucking crazy ? " Caleb asked . " You want us to meet with one of the meanest , nastiest things on the Hill on her home turf ? I can 't do that , I 've got to work ! " " I kind of thought we had to , " Gloria said . " She said she wants to see us both , and it 's not about the Sin Depot . It 's about the Osterhaggis Key . " Caleb forced himself to take a deep breath . The key had been just one of the many things that had been making him feel on edge lately . Life at the OneStop had a way of being about either trivial little things that drove you nuts or giant , world - shattering things . There was nothing in between . Not only had he started to think he should have more in his life than just the OneStop , but he had also begun to wonder about his mistakes at the store . The incident with the stolen artifacts had driven that home for him . He 'd kept things he shouldn 't have and the consequences hadn 't been happy . Although they had recovered most of the stolen artifacts ( still hidden in Gloria 's apartment until they could figure out a safe way of getting rid of them ) , a few had been lost , including the Osterhaggis Key . Or maybe lost wasn 't the right word for it . They 'd known exactly who had it over these last few months : none other than Mary McPhisto . Getting the key back from her would have been a higher priority , except that , to anyone around here , the key was useless . It could theoretically be used to rip the planet apart , but only when taken to one of three places : Ayer 's Rock in Australia , a hidden temple in the Congo , and Disneyland Paris . There had always been the possibility that Mary would sell it or give it to someone who could take it away from the Hill , but all reports said she wasn 't the kind to give up power or bargaining chips if it wasn 't necessary . " Okay , so … what ? " Caleb asked . " Is she going to try striking up some kind of deal with us ? We give her something , and she gives us the key ? " Both Gloria and Phil responded at once . " It 's not as bad as you would think . " They looked at each other with surprise , but thankfully neither of them elaborated . Really , Caleb didn 't want to know . " I really don 't think Gloria has to worry about that , " Phil said . " From what I 've heard , she only takes new skin when the old one has worn out . And if she just switched into this Hannah girl 's skin , she won 't need anything new just yet . " " Yeah , " Gloria said . " And she was all hung up on the paperwork thing for Hannah . I don 't think I 'm in any real danger as long as I take a really long and hard look at anything she tries to get us to sign . " " I 'm still not sure about this , " he said , but maybe this would be a good thing . There might be some way for him to get the key back . After that he could work on getting his mind straight and figuring out what exactly had been bothering him lately . " Come on , Butcher , " Gloria said with a smile . " It 's a meeting and we both know what we 're doing . What 's the worse that could happen ? " Okay , after last week 's unfortunate delay , I should now be back on track . As promised , I am starting to serialize the sequel to The Apocalypse Shift ( which is available for purchase here if you haven 't read it yet ) . I 'm trying to write this one so you don 't need to have read the first one to understand it , but it will probably contain quite a few spoilers for the first , so you have been warned . I will be posting one chapter a week for now , which will make the individual entries much shorter than when I was posting large chunks of stories . So let 's get this thing started . I hope you enjoy ! She jerked awake and looked around , confused for a moment . She had that problem more and more these days . Every time she woke up she forgot for a moment where she was , what year she lived in . She could almost make herself believe it was the old days again , the glory days . Then she felt all the aches in her body and the wet patch on her chest where she had drooled on herself as she napped , and she remembered that the glory days were a long time gone . Despite the deafening noise coming from the hallway , she still remained confused for several seconds about what had awakened her . The TV was on , stuck on the episode menu of a DVD . The old familiar song from the TV show she 'd been watching - ba - da - da - DUMP - snap - snap - was extremely loud in the small living room , turned up so she could still hear it even with her failing ears . Old shows like that were the only reason she had bothered buying a DVD player to begin with . They reminded her not only of a time when she had been younger , but also the kind of people she had once known . They were all gone now , leaving behind a new generation that didn 't care where it had come from . The noises in the hallway got louder , and finally she realized what had brought her out of her restless slumber . Someone screamed , and something wooden broke , and there were shouts . Something buzzed and whined , a noise completely unlike anything that should have occurred in nature . Snookie 's heart sped up , something she would have rather avoided if possible . Her troubled ticker didn 't like excitement much anymore . Despite the strain , however , Snookie got up out of her recliner as fast as she could . She still knew the sounds of an apocalypse when she heard it . She grabbed her cane from its place against the chair and walked to the door . She still kept a rack of what she had used to call her " just in case " items right next to the door , although she hadn 't used them in years . Still , before she grabbed any of them , she peered through the peep hole . It would be best if she knew just what the hell was going on first . To anyone on the other side of the door , her peephole looked completely normal . However , she 'd had some modifications done to it when she 'd moved in here , just like she had her entire apartment . When she looked out , she didn 't get the typical fish - eye view of whatever was directly in front of the door . Instead the view was widescreen , covering nearly the entire length of the hallway . If she just tapped lightly on the door , the magic spell on the peep hole would switch views to somewhere else in the hall , making sure that no matter where somebody stood out there , Snookie could still get a look at them . And what she saw looked like a small army of six foot tall orange salt shakers . " Hmph , " Snookie muttered . " These things again . " They moved down the hall like they were on wheels and had only long thin sticks for arms . Each had a single eye . They looked ridiculous rather than scary , but Snookie had seen them come around once or twice before and knew what they could do . There wasn 't much around here that she hadn 't seen . She tapped the door , and the view changed to one at the end of the hall just above the stairwell . One of the doors near the end was broken with a smoldering dead body lying just outside . Snookie didn 't know why these things had chosen to come into this building , but they obviously didn 't intend to leave it peacefully . Snookie reached for the rack , her hand falling on the necklace hanging from a nail on the rack 's side . It was made of hemp with a smooth green stone dangling from it , and it looked like it had seen better days . It had been made several decades ago when it became obvious she would never again be the same person from her youth , but she had never worn it . It would only work once , and she hadn 't wanted to waste it . These creatures seemed like a good enough reason to put it on , but she hesitated . She knew this neighborhood . It didn 't need her anymore when it came to stuff like this . Snookie tapped the door again as she heard a rattling doorknob . The view changed to something closer , giving her a clear look as the door of the apartment immediately to her left flew open and a young man and woman came jumping out . Each one held a katana in hand . The weapons were rather elegant , the sort of thing one would expect from warriors in heavy samurai armor . But neither the boy nor girl wore armor . In fact , they wore nothing but a single bed sheet draped over them both . " Every freaking time , " the boy said to the girl . " We 're just about to get all hot and heavy , and then either the phone rings or we 're invaded by a bunch of … " He paused , cocking his head at the salt shakers as they turned to look at the naked couple . " What the hell are these things , anyway ? " The lead salt shaker pointed a stick arm at them and spoke in a high - pitched robotic voice . " You will not resist ! You will not resist ! " The man looked thoroughly confused . He could only be a mundy . Snookie again reached for the necklace , but she was too late . Events moved too quickly for her to do anything . The lead salt shaker aimed his stick arms at the man , and brilliant blue beams of light shot at him . The man dropped dead to the ground , all the skin now gone for his body . His red bathrobe became a whole lot redder . " Oh , " Caleb said . " Right . " He swung his sword before the lead salt shaker could move . The blade sliced right through it at a diagonal , sending a thick purplish blood splattering all over the other salt shakers . The shaker next to it screamed and backed away as Caleb moved to take another swing , but he got tangled up in the bed sheet . He tripped and fell to the ground , nearly pulling the other end off Gloria . She gripped it tighter over her chest but still jumped over Caleb 's prone form , tangling him even further , as she swung her own blade . She only missed because all the other shaker things were backing toward the stairs . " Gah ! No ! " the closest creature said . " You will not resist ! " " Resist what ? " Caleb asked . He hadn 't been able to unwind the sheet from around himself , so he had instead cut it open with his sword . He stood holding the katana threateningly at them with one hand while he tried to cover himself up with a torn piece of sheet in the other . " You 're barely even doing anything now that your leader guy is gone . Aren 't you even going to put up a fight ? " Gloria lowered the sword and looked like she was trying to find a way to scratch her head without setting it down or lowering the sheet . After a moment , she took the hand and sheet away from her body long enough to scratch . Snookie guessed that she didn 't think the creatures cared whether or not she was clothed . The girl probably didn 't realize anyone else might be watching . Gloria and Caleb both stared for several seconds . " That 's it ? " Caleb asked . " You just broke into the building , let your friend kill people … " Caleb and Gloria gave them the directions , then went back into their apartment . They didn 't bother to watch the shaker - shaped things leave . Snookie had no idea how they had made it up the stairs in the first place , but they didn 't have any trouble getting down . They just wheeled to the stairs and fell the rest of the way . Snookie continued to watch the hallway until she was sure no one else was coming . If the boy and girl knew anything about how things worked around here , they had probably called someone about cleaning up the dead bodies and coming up with a plausible story in case any of the mundy neighbors asked the wrong questions . But just because they knew how to get rid of strange things didn 't mean Snookie would admit they knew what they were doing . Snookie shook her head as she stepped away from the peep hole . Amateurs . They were complete amateurs , acting like they had the slightest clue about anything , even when they didn 't . They should have known katanas weren 't the best weapon in that situation . Any true beastie - basher worth her salt would have used a Scottish claymore . Snookie leaned her cane against the rack and grabbed her own Scottish claymore from the " just in case " rack . Her frail arms strained at the great weight , but the hilt still felt good and familiar in her hands . The sword was almost as tall as her , but there had once been a time she could have wielded it easily . Her eyes misted a little as she carefully put a hand on the blade . It desperately needed a polish , but she hadn 't been able to make herself clean it since she had last used it . There was still blood on it . Not a lot , but just enough to remind her . Four distinct spots of old , dried human blood , one for each of the OneStop Mart employees she had killed . She carefully put the sword back in its place and grabbed her cane again . She shuffled back to her recliner , trying to accompany the music on her TV with a double - finger snap from her free hand . Her arthritic joints just couldn 't do it anymore . |
Daddy took Billy to Build - a - Bear this morning . That would be the store where you get to make your own stuffed animal , with the cutest ones always being the most expensive . And , of course , they 've got you over a barrel , since the kid picks out the animal and you can 't disappoint your kid . Here 's a hint - the kids will always pick the cuter ones . They pulled out the skinned cat . Have you done this before ? Because it 's actually kind of creepy . And no , I wasn 't there this morning but yes I have done it before . Now you have your animal . And now you get to walk through the aisle of exorbitantly prices clothes and accessories and dress your animal . I mean , you can 't send them out into the world naked , can you ? Then you get to go to the computer and make the birth certificate for your animal and name it . Billy named his cat " George " . Billy really liked the big orange button on the machine . That 's the reset button . Daddy really didn 't like the big orange button on the machine . So , Billy came home with George in a box . " No , Mommy . It 's George 's house . " Oh , right . The box has little windows cut out and pictures on it to make it look like a house . George had to stay in the box because that was his house . Why is the car there ? Well , Billy has decided that our tv room is a drive - in movie theater . To watch a movie he has to sit in his car . It 's terribly cute , and yes I tried to get a picture of him watching Cars in his Big Red Racecar but so far they don 't really look like anything and if I get up to get a better angle he gets out to see what I 'm up to . Anyways , we had over A and J for dinner ( and their parents of course ) . Billy showed off his new toys . Ate the melon and prosciutto and other goodies I put out and had a merry old time . Santa had left presents under the tree for A and J . They are Jewish , but just because Santa doesn 't stop at their house , doesn 't mean that Santa doesn 't have presents for Jewish friends too . Billy wanted to open those two gifts on Christmas morning , but I explained that since they don 't have a Christmas tree , Santa had to leave them at our house . While I had made plans for the day after Christmas , Mother Nature decided to make other plans . A freak snow storm blew up , bringing ice and snow and hazardous conditions that the weathermen had not predicted . So , we stayed in . This gave Billy an opportunity to play with his new toys - all except for the Big Red Racecar . That is really an outside toy , and while I let him run it back and forth for a few minutes inside , it really belongs out on the street . So , we had to content ourselves with other toys and new movies from Santa . Also , a little red vacuum cleaner given to him by my aunt . We had gone to her house for dinner the night before to see her and my uncle and all of their kids and grandkids . Billy had taken a shine to this little vacuum cleaner . Since all of her grandkids have outgrown it and he seemed to like it , she gave it to him . It was very nice and very thoughtful . Billy proceeded to ' vacuum ' ( it 's only a toy but man do I wish it did clean up the dirt , even a half - assed attempt to pick it up would be worth it . ) He vacuumed the whole upstairs and downstairs . Twice . Oh and did I mention it 's as loud as a real vacuum . Oh yeah , that loud . All . Day . Long . Finally , I put the Vacuum From Hell in time out . Billy didn 't understand . So , I explained it . Billy , you 're not in time out . But Vacuum From Hell gave Mommy a headache - a booboo in the head - so it has to go in time out for doing that . Remind me never again to " fix " the broken batteries . ( And yes , this is his favorite toy of all of his Christmas presents , besides the Big Red Racecar . It was very kind of my aunt to give it to him and he loves it . However , I will proceed to call it the Vacuum From Hell , because with batteries in it , it 's as loud as Hell . ) We ran into Billy 's room to wake him up ( remember , he was up late ) and tell him that Santa had been to the house . He jumped up , excited , and ran out of his room . But when he got to the hallway he tiptoed , slowly , quietly , hugging the wall . At the end of the hallway he peeked around the corner to see into the living room . He was so disappointed that Santa wasn 't standing in our living room with the bag of toys slung over his back . Poor guy , it 's hard to understand why Santa would bring all of these toys but not stay for a visit . This , by the way , is what he saw : Billy noticed the milk and cookies were gone . But no Santa . He nervously approached the car , but didn 't want to touch it , not without Santa 's permission . So Daddy ripped the bow off and put Billy in the car . I have video but it continues and CONTINUES to process on Youtube . Please look on my youtube sidebar for the video of Billy driving the car for the first time . And yes , it 's a real car . Gas pedal makes it go 1 . 2 miles per hour ( I should say battery pedal , since it is electric ) . Here 's the youtube link , whenever they decide it can bacome active : http : / / youtu . be / xrsmpo3oHk0 He also got his requested frying pan ( a toy one ) and lots of other toys . For the first time EVER in my life we didn 't have anywhere to go after opening presents . Billy got to play with his play dough set , his car , he other toys and then head off to nap , all still in his pajamas . It was amazing . Not that I don 't enjoy seeing family , but having never had a Christmas without driving all over the Mid - Atlantic it was very nice and very calm . And Billy got his cursory nap and was ready to go party once he woke up . Most Christmas nights we go to my aunt 's house for dinner . It was lovely , as always . She and my Uncle have many kids and many more grandkids . Billy had a ton of fun playing with his cousins , even if they are all older . Dinner was fabulous . And , of course , Billy got to sit at the big table until he is old enough to sit with the kiddos . So , he listened to the conversation and then asked if we could all sing happy birthday . ( Remember , it 's Jesus ' birthday ) . So , a table full of adults broke into a chorus of " Happy Birthday ! " for the baby Jesus . Christmas Eve brought with it the first snow of the year and Billy 's first white Christmas . He woke up from nap to the white stuff everywhere . When he went to sleep the world was green , and when he woke up the world was white and snow was falling from the sky . Yes , Billy . Buddy goes outside for the potty . We 've had this talk many times and he repeated it once and thought nothing more of it . Then it was time to run off to Church . Our Church has a Children 's Mass on Christmas Eve in the late afternoon . This works out well to get the religious stuff done first . Then there 's no rushing out the door Christmas morning and crying about new toys sitting there unopened . I don 't know anything about that . Well , I had been explaining to Billy that we were going to Jesus ' birthday party . Close enough . We rarely go to Mass ( I 'll explain why in a moment ) and he 's too young to really get the meaning of Christmas . But he does know about birthday parties and giving presents to others for their birthday . And officially , Christmas is Jesus ' birthday celebration ( even if scholars now believe it was during the summer , this is when we celebrate ) . Daddy hadn 't finished his shopping so we were late to Mass . But we still made it . And honestly , 1 . 5 hours in Church with a toddler is a lot to ask of the toddler . Yeah , that 's my kid . Ash Wednesday he shouted that he wanted " Caca ! " ( cracker ) and Christmas it 's " Buddy poop snow ! " Luckily , Daddy didn 't understand what he said , so I 'm hoping few others understood either . That prompted a trip to the potty . When we got back to the pew Billy refused to sit still . Daddy walked him around . Then me . We did the whole Eucharist bit and then went to see baby Jesus . One of the chapels has a nativity scene in it up on the altar . I think Billy was disappointed that baby Jesus wasn 't a real baby , but a statue . Still , it was dark , lit only by candles and lanterns and the sounds of the choir echoing in from the main part of the Cathedral . I asked him if he wanted to wish him a happy birthday . We also attended a Christmas party after Church with Grandma in the treacherous snow . Billy had a grand time and was up well past his bedtime playing with the children of my oldest and dearest friend . Posted by It was my brilliant plan to make rolled sugar cookies to give to Santa . I thought Billy would enjoy the activity . Grandma has a kitchen better suited for baking with a toddler ( we have a wall oven and limited counter space - she has a regular oven and a big table perfect for rolling out cookies ) . So , while Billy napped I made the dough and chilled it . I have to say , that using the Joy of Cooking 's basic rolled cookie recipe we got a bland dough . Usually I use Martha Stewart 's recipe but tried something different this year . We 'll be going back to Martha next year . Anyways , I took him over to Grandma 's and let him pick out his favorite cookie cutters from her stash . He , of course , wanted the plain circles . I insisted on making shaped cookies that didn 't look store bought , so I made him pick out the standard Christmas fare and some of the more unusal ones ( Like an axe . Who wants an axe - shaped cookie ? Grandma says it 's for Washington 's birthday . I can 't recall ever making cookies for that , but whatever floats you boat , right ? ) Billy liked the part about getting flour everywhere . He also liked pressing into the dough with the cutters , but didn 't have the strength to cut all the way through the dough . Mommy had to do that for him . And he got to watch them bake . But the best part , or course , was eating them . It 's been a week since you 've gotten a new post , but Daddy got a new computer game last week , meaning that I have had zero access to the computer . He must beat a game and food , sleep and all other activities are pushed to the side until he beats it , including my blogging . He still hasn 't beaten it , but he had to go out so . . . woohoo ! blogger time ! Billy and I were hanging out watching tv after dinner . I 've been avoiding the news , but given that a week has gone by since the horrific events , I decided to give the world news a try . I always turn it off if it 's something I think Billy shouldn 't see , but most of the time he doesn 't pay attention to it anyway . Yeah , well . . . that 's actually what he said . Poor Brian Williams , passed over for ice skating , which wasn 't even on . So , we settled for PBS cartoons . A true story from Sunday when Billy accidentally saw some live coverage . If only that we possible , Billy . Some booboos are too big to heal with a kiss . He wasn 't getting it . There 's a lot of dialogue and it 's over his head , so I was explaining about how Charlie Brown is sad and can 't find the Christmas Spirit . " Poor Charlie Brown . " Then Charlie Brown became the director of the school play . Billy felt this meant that he needed to fetch his camping chair , which actually is not far off from looking like a director 's chair , especially a cartoon chair . He sat in his chair in front of the tv to watch about Charlie Brown . During a commercial break he took an interlude to stand on his stool and sing " Animal Crackers in my Shoe ! " just like Shirley Temple , mimicking her hand movements and everything . And yes , I know it 's soup , but he thinks it 's shoe . He even mimics what she does with her voice and cheeks . It 's too cute . If you 're a regular reader then you know that Buddy has cancer . Back in October he had emergency surgery to remove the invasive tumor . Because of it 's location ( on his boy bits ) the doctor was unable to completely remove the tumor . At this point we are getting ready to step down his medication as part of his treatment plan prescribed by his doctors . They are thrilled that there is no evidence yet of growth . It is a good sign . Now , when I saw egg nog , I mean the pasteurized , non - alcoholic kind from the grocery store . I 'm not talking about the high - test variety I made two weeks ago from scratch . Nope , just plain egg nog , no booze . So I gave him the cup back . He took another tentative sip . I didn 't think he was going to warm to it . It 's got a lot of nutmeg in it and is very thick . In the past month Billy has cast off his diapers , put away his crib and grown about an inch . My little baby is too big to fit into the high chair any more . So , it has been put up in the attic , gone from our kitchen . Billy sits in a big boy chair now . Then , at dusk we joined Miss A and a fellow Scary Mommy ( www . scarymommy . com ) at the miracle on 34th Street . I 'm not talking about the movie . If you 're not from town , then please have a look at the awesomeness of the 34th Street : We started out by heading to see Santa and the train displays . I have no pics of the train displays because someone had to wait in that long line . That would be me . Daddy and Billy went to look at the trains . Then Billy joined me in line while Daddy popped into the toy store . Standing in line Billy made immediate friends with the little toddler boy behind us in line . They seem to be at the age where every toddler is automatically a friend . The little boy clearly was ill - not with a cold , but seriously ill . He had a drainage tube from his nose . But Billy didn 't care and I 'm so glad . Kids can be cruel to those that are different , even if the different kids are some of the most amazing people . They played while we waited for our turn to see Santa . Then , in the middle of nap time , hours after we arrived , it was our turn . Billy clung to me in fear . I had been trying to talk up how nice Santa is , but he was still scared . The photographer was sure he was going to scream . . . He wasn 't sure about this old bearded guy sitting there in his big red chair . First photo - stunned fear . Second photo - not so sure . Third photo - dare I say it ? He smiled ! It wasn 't a big happy , laughing grin , but he did smile . And after I picked him up he wished Santa a " Merry Christmas ! " Then we headed home for a post naptime nap . And yes , he went to sleep after he was supposed to be waking up . But he took a nice long nap . Then Billy helped my make my Easy Peasy Holiday Bark . Stay tuned for the recipe and photos . ( It 's not finished , so you have to wait for the final result ! ) Of course Daddy waited until it started raining to hang our lights on our house . In the dark . A week before Christmas . But he did . So , we went outside to watch and to see all of the luminaries lighting the way through the neighborhood , helping Santa find his way back to the North Pole to finish up all of the toys . " Don 't worry , Billy , " I said . " When we saw Santa I told him you wanted that big red race car . He knows . Santa won 't forget . " My grandmother died just before Christmas . All of the presents wrapped and under the tree , Christmas dinner cooked and in the fridge . But she wasn 't there . She was suddenly gone . My grandfather had purchased this nightgown for her all those many years ago . He hung it in her closet and it stayed there until his death , unable to part with the last thing that he had bought for her . When we moved , I took it with me rather than give it away , a nod of sentiment to a lady I never met and to my grandfather 's undying love for her . There is a hollowness in my heart . Those families will wake up Christmas morning and their children 's gifts , brought by Santa , will go unopened . The laughter and joy of those little kids on Christmas morning will only be an echo in their memory . No trying out a new trike for the first time or opening a new doll . And I wonder , thirty years from now , if some new toy will lay buried in a closet just like my grandmother 's nightgown . And as you open your gifts on Christmas morning , enjoy it . Celebrate . But this year , as the last gift is opened , take a moment and remember . . . the unopened gift . There is an epidemic of shootings in our nation . It doesn 't matter whether you support gun control or don 't , now is the time to act . We cannot send our babies to a place that is supposed to be safe and bring them home in a box . We can 't go to the theater and see our family murdered , or to college and see our friends hunted by gunmen . This is not about guns . It is so much more . But I ask this of you ; I charge you with a task : Don 't mention the gunman 's name . Don 't gossip about his motives or his life . Don 't read his writings . Doing so only gives credence to his actions . His is a name that should be obliterated from history , along with those that do the same . Don 't let the shooters have their victory by gaining infamy . No . Let their memory be erased from human history instead . For , no person willing to commit these acts belongs to humanity . I don 't have much to report . Billy was out of control wild last night . The funniest bit was him running in circles screaming , " yay for baby Jesus ! " ( And we don 't talk about Jesus at home very often , so this makes it all the more silly ) . But Billy was wild and spent a majority of the evening in time out for one ridiculously bad behavior after the next . He 's in the " do it because I know I will get in trouble and I don 't care " phase . He 's even taking to doing something and then putting himself in time out for his bad behavior . Fortunately , he turned in at a reasonable hour . He didn 't go to sleep , but tonight there was no screaming for Mommy . I think he finally fell asleep around 9 - 9 : 30 . Well past his bedtime , but at least he was mostly quiet . I could hear him playing in his crib until about then , but not screaming for me . It 's a game . What can I do to get Mommy 's attention ? Thank God for the extra baby gate which goes across his door during sleeping hours . It is the only thing that keeps him in . And eventually , boredom from a lack of response on my end causes him to give up and go to sleep . When it takes him three hours to give up and finally go to bed , that means it 's my bedtime too and nothing has gotten done . No chores . No laundry , no dishes . That means things like , I forgot that dinner was still in the oven ( it was off ) and found it this morning . All that effort gone plus a sink full of dishes and a piles of peed on clothes in the hamper . The child that would not sleep woke up Saturday intent with putting the " terror " in the " terrible twos " . If he knew it was wrong , he did it . If he knew he wasn 't supposed to touch it , he did . If it would make Mommy mad , he did it twice , just for good measure . I believe Billy was attempting to set a world record for time outs in one day . Yes , Saturday was that kind of day . I tried to take him out , but he refused . " No , thanks , Mommy . " Seriously ? I offered to take him to get an ice cream , but that meant being good and he refused . He would not put on a coat . He would not wear shoes . He was miserable and tired and wanted me to be tired from his misery . Sunday we went out for portraits . I assure you , Billy is a ham . He flirted with the camera and said " Cheese ! " every time he was asked . Mostly , because he wanted to see more pictures of Billy on the monitor . ( Digital photography . . . it 's the wave of the future ) . So later that afternoon , there I am watching the Ravens lose , reading a book and suddenly realizing that it 's well past the time Billy should be waking up . Then I realize that I completely forgot to put a diaper on him before naptime . Uh oh ! Mommy fail . I bounded off the sofa and to him room , ripping the gate out of the door and dragging him toward the bathroom . He made it into the bathroom before he couldn 't hold it anymore . We were standing right in front of the potty . After I got him changed and cleaned up I check out the bed . Not a drop . He took a 4 hour nap and not a drop . Still , a Mommy Fail for lack of diaper on a boy during nap . We 're not still fully potty - trained yet . He refuses to poop on the potty . He 'll hold it and wait for his night - night diaper . Well , after we were redressed it was off to a Hannukah party . Billy was so excited to see his friends . He even learned how to say , " Happy hann - u - kah ! " Too bad he got shy and wouldn 't say it at the party . I 'm so glad we went and we hope to make it a tradition . We want Billy to have a rounded perspective on culture and customs . Experience is the best way to really be open to it . No matter the reason for the season , let 's all celebrate and be happy . Besides , it 's a great way to hang out with some cool friends . Posted by This weekend I treated Billy to his first viewing of Dumbo . What 's not to love ? It 's got the circus , elephants and a train . This is going to be awesome ! Well , while I remembered the story , I remembered it from a child 's point of view . I associated with Dumbo , the " baby " in the story . I found the pink elephants terrifying . And the other elephants I recalled as being completely mean . Then we watched it this weekend . And now I have a mother 's perspective . This is a heart - wrenching movie . Tear your guts out heart wrenching . The poor Mrs . Jumbo who 's wanted a baby more than anything finally has her little baby boy . He may be a little different , but she loves him . And in an act to protect her baby from the mean kids , the circus locks her up away from her baby . For one , new mothers and their babies aren 't put on display where the viewers can actually touch the animals . Not any more , at least . Mother 's instincts are to protect their young . Keepers wouldn 't expose the public to that danger , nor the animals to that stress . But that 's modern thinking . Okay , okay . I 'll stop judging an old film . It may be a classic , but I don 't think this one will make it into the regular circuit at our house . Not without some perspective . Well , super - exhausted - needs - to - sleep - like - Rip - Van - Winkle child refused to go to bed . Not even the threat of Santa could talk him into going to sleep Friday night . Long past his bedtime when Daddy got home he was still awake , still screaming . 3 . ) I need to pee - pee on the potty . Hmm . . . do I bite ? He 's wearing a diaper . Nope . No potty . Go to bed . 7 . ) Mommy , I already sleep and I wake up ! That 's great . Go back to sleep until the sun gets up . THEN you can get up too . Three years ago my house would have been impeccable . I would have had a full spread of delectable holiday treats on the table . Custom Christmas music playlist crooning from my stereo , and every decoration in just the right spot . I would have been dressed up , with makeup on , jewelry , freshly showered and hair coiffed . I never made it to vacuuming , so the dirt got swept under the rug - literally , hoping that no one would notice . I windexed the coffee table , but realized there was a huge streak . Oh well , it 's as good as it 's going to get . The office is a mess . It 's Daddy 's stuff and I refuse to bother . He was told to clean it up . He didn 't . So , it 's a wreck . Whatever . The best I 've got on the music front is a radio station playing Christmas music between commercial breaks . My appetizers are nuts and gummi bears . At least , I roasted the nuts myself - a month ago . I 'm dressed , but not showered , no make - up , no jewelry , and my hair is pulled back into a no - fuss ponytail . And as I look around at all of the things that didn 't get done but should have , I shrug . Between working and being a Mom , there 's no time for the things I would have done . I can 't make there be more hours in the day . I can 't keep up like I used to . It 's just a simple fact . Canapes and santa hat appetizers simply aren 't going to happen . And try as hard as I do . . . I wonder how those perfectly coiffed Moms throw those big , fancy parties with all of the trimmings . They must have elves on speed dial . . . So , a few days ago we went to see Santa 's magical flying alpacas . And I was telling Billy all about the baby Jesus , who was in there with the magical alpacas . Okay , not the real Jesus , but a giant wooden cutout nativity scene - in with the magical alpacas . Let 's just process that for a moment . . . First off , I don 't mention other kids by name on my blog for their own protection . It 's my choice to talk about Billy online , but other parents may not want to see their kids ' names appear on the web . So , for that reason I will be referring to Billy 's friend as AB . We went over to AB 's house for dinner to celebrate her Daddy 's birthday . Her Daddy is a dear friend of mine from long before we had kids or were married . As fate would have it , AB and Billy are only 3 weeks apart in age . Perfect playmates . Unfortunately , busy parenting lives mean we never see each other . But , we 've decided to work on that . I 'll let you know how that goes . We walked into their house and Billy was absolutely terrified . Not sure why . But he wouldn 't talk and he wouldn 't get down . Every time I tried to put him down he clung to me like a little monkey . Then it was kids ' dinner time . Billy sat with AB and her older brother at the table . The siblings quarreled a bit , and Billy sat there in what I would call stunned silence . I know he 's seen kids have arguments at school . But he only sees kids either in large groups or one on one . He 's not used to siblings close in age and the standard " that 's mine ! " fight . After dinner he managed to catch on to the routine , though . The kids played , the adults ate and talked . Billy was having so much fun that he pooped his pants . I wish that were just a phrase , but in his case , that would be literal . Fortunately , I came prepared with extra clothes . Then we toured the house . Billy got to climb up into a bunk bed . When it was time to leave he didn 't want to go . He told me he was going to sleep in the bunk bed instead . But , alas , it was bedtime . Saturday we were supposed to go to the Lighted Boat Parade . It was great weather , but unfortunately Daddy got hung up out of town so we weren 't able to go . Billy was really looking forward to it , so I took him to Watson 's to see Santa 's reindeer instead . Apparently , Rudolf and his reindeer friends are on strike this year . No worries ! Santa was able to find some magical flying baby alpacas to get presents there on time . " No , Mommy . They 're llamas , " he says . Well , not to pick a nit , but those are alpacas . As Grandma said , " you 've seen llamas next to alpacas , so you would know . " It 's true . Daddy and I went to Peru , home of the llama and the alpaca . Also home to their wild cousin the vicuna ( v - eye - coon - yah ) . Easy way to tell is that if it 's cute , it 's an alpaca . These are extra cute , since they are just babies . After this I got to go out with the ladies for the evening and had a wonderful time . Thank you JB for the ticket . You 're awesome ! On Sunday I promised to take Billy to the store to buy his very own ornament for the tree . He didn 't get to help me decorate . I vacillated between having him help , or not , but given the number of important breakable ornaments , I decided to wait until next year . But I want him to feel included , so we went to the store to buy an ornament for him . He got to pick out whatever he wanted ( within reason ) . By the way , that 's plastic , so he can pull it off of the tree and I don 't have to worry . He also has some other favorites on the tree . The top is a little old car that used to belong to his namesake . Then my ladybug and then Scooby - Do 's Mystery Van ( it talks ) . I also introduced him to some more classic music . His new favorite song is " See You Later , Alligator " . It 's also , coincidentally ( and the reason I played the song for him ) his current favorite phrase . Grandpop bought this toy for Billy 's birthday . We were really excited about it . This truck has moving parts , moves on its own and requires no batteries . Nope . No batteries ! What an amazing concept . We could be without power or batteries and this toy would still work ! It has an arm that dumps the cans into the back of the truck . Or the back gate lifts the cans into the truck . Then you open the door and the cans shoot out the side . Plus two little trash people to help get all that trash into the truck to cart it off . It makes too much sound . It is the loudest toy that we own . So loud , in fact , that it is louder than the vacuum cleaner . It might possibly be the loudest item we own , power tools included . It is ear - shattering loud . Like , lawsuit for permanent hearing loss loud . The sound is tolerable if you use it on a carpet , but then the go - on - its - own action doesn 't work nearly as well . So , it ends up being pushed around on the wood floor , giving everyone in the house a headache . In principle I love this toy . But I can 't take the batteries out to reduce the noise , since there are no batteries . And you can 't tell a little boy not to push a truck around . Day 3 of a diaper - free bum . Yup . He has now been fully out of diapers since Tuesday . Now we only use ' night night ' diapers . Well , we 've had some accidents . It 's the playground . It 's very cold out and he gets all busy playing and doesn 't realize he 's really got to go . I mean shoes soaked through go . But he 's good at home . We haven 't had any accidents at home . He does the little pee dance and we run off to the potty before I have to clean the floor . Well , that 's an interesting story . Because he holds it until we stick a diaper on him . He wants to " go poopy on the potty " and we had that one little success . But nothing since . He 'll get there . What I do know is that everyone told me " too soon ! " But he hates being dirty , which I 'm pretty sure is a phase , and he wants to use the potty , also a phase . We 're going all in . That 's a combo in a toddler I can 't pass up . Posted by Yes , Billy is still asking for the red car . It 's true . He wants it , and he thinks Santa is going to get it . But I don 't think he gets what Santa does . He seems to think any time I say no , he can circumvent Mommy by asking Santa Claus . But . . . he does get that being naughty means he 's not going to get that red car from Santa . So now , when he 's acting up , I play the Santa card . Like putting him to bed tonight . I 've been off for a few days . Hope you don 't mind me taking a bit of a holiday . Here 's what happened over our break . Wednesday we headed to Grandpop 's . Billy refused to sleep in the car , despite being past his bedtime . Nope . It was just too exciting to be heading to Grandpop 's house . We haven 't been down since the summer . But finally he passed out . Some time before the bridge , but well , that was still way past his bedtime . When we pulled into Grandpop 's drive late , Billy woke up . Even if he had still been sleeping , the canine contingent would have woken him up upon entering the house . Billy briefly came in and said hi to the family that was still awake , but we quickly packed him off to bed . I wasn 't sure how that was going to go . He 's sleeping in a big boy bed at home , but only has a porta - crib at Grandpop 's . We didn 't know if he would accept sleeping in a crib . Also , there 's the house . But he went right to sleep . Screech ! Let 's pause right here and I 'll explain the house - which is important for later . Grandpop , Nana and Uncle Alex live in a big Victorian . It 's been in the family since it was built in 1905 by my great great grandfather . It has a wrap around porch that 's lovely to sit on in the summer . A grand staircase in the front foyer and a servant stair in the back hall . It has a gracious parlor with a fireplace . A living room with the family initial carved into the fireplace . A large dining room with yet another fireplace . And lots of other rooms to explore , a third floor full of heirlooms , which is actually not the attic - that 's above the third floor . And all of the rooms are NOT BABY PROOF . Yeah , very much not baby proof . Breakable antiques everywhere . Hot radiators . Two staircases with no baby gates . Long staircases . The house has 12 ft ceilings . Long staircases . So , with a fully mobile and very curious toddler , it 's a veritable playground and a parent 's nightmare . We started the morning with Billy shouting at us . The porta - crib was in our room . Daddy woke up and poked me in the belly . Mind out of the gutter . The bed is much smaller than ours at home , being an antique . So there wasn 't much room . And Daddy moved me over by giving me a sound poke to the belly . " Ouch ! " To which Billy responded by standing up in teh crib and shouting , " Daddy . . . STOP HURTING MOMMY ! " So , Daddy rolled over and put his arm over me to cuddle and go back to sleep . Well , here 's hoping . Not likely . But hoping . We had breakfast with the family that was awake and headed into the living room to watch the Macy 's Parade . I wanted Billy to see the balloons and Santa . Billy was chasing Molly around the house . Molly is Nana 's Pomeranian . I kept calling Billy in to see the TV for the balloons . But they were only showing the balloons for the briefest period , and by the time he ran right into the room , the balloons were already gone and the announcers were back talking about random boring stuff . Show the balloons ! But he did get to see Santa and waved to him as he waved back from the tv screen . The room is too bright , the crib too small , the house unfamiliar , the family too loud , and the toddler too excited . After trying for two hours we were finally able to get him to go to sleep by Daddy strong arming him into the big bed and holding him there until he slept . Daddy might have fallen asleep too . Then it was turkey time . I had been selling turkey to Billy all week . " What do we eat on Thanksgiving ? " " Turkey ! " " What does a turkey say ? " " Gobble , gobble ! " " Who cuts the turkey ? " " Grandpop ! " Well , we all gathered around the table for the meal and first came out the soup course . I didn 't think Billy would eat it and he didn 't . But he was starving . And tired . He was hungry and he wanted his turkey now . We sent his plate down to be fixed first and he had all of his food in front of him before anyone else . And before we even said Grace he had eaten all of his turkey . " Grandpop , more turkey ! " He shoved the plate away with all of the other fixings on it . He only wanted turkey . ( In hindsight , I might have oversold that turkey ) . He had three helpings of turkey and refused the other foods . In the middle of the meal we tried to get him to eat one of his favorite foods - sweet potato . Only , it didn 't look like normal . He wasn 't convinced . Daddy put a spoonful of it in Billy 's mouth and you would have thought it was dog poop or rotting worms or dead fish . He let out a loud wail . Uh , oh . Epic Meltdown ! Daddy and I took turns eating and playing with Billy in the other room . Later , when the table was clearing and after he was settled down , I brought him back to the table to finish his food . He was still hungry . He took a few bites and then his head sank lower and lower . I put my hand out and caught his head before it fell into the plate . And . . . he 's done . We gathered him up and put him to bed . The turkey wore him out . ( Also the short and late nap didn 't help ) . It 's all about the bacon . Billy ate lots of bacon , two eggs and chowed down on trail mix afterwards . We played quietly in the morning and took a long nap . He was extra tired . The , we rode down to the ocean to see the lights . The line was out the door , around the corner and down the street . You wouldn 't believe it . We waited over an hour to see the lights . But finally , we loaded onto the train and got to ride through the wonderland of Christmas lights on the water . Billy was more excited about the train ride than the lights . And if you ask him what lights he saw he 'll skip the holiday related stuff and say , " Dinosaurs ! And a rocky horsey ! " We traveled . Up and out in the morning . Home in time for a nap . He slept much longer than expected and needed it too . We were supposed to go to another party , but he was just too tired . We also were going to go to the festival of trees , but again , too tired . Christmas ! The tree is up , but not decorated . The house is decorated , though . And he spent the whole day without a diaper and without an accident . He spent the whole time at home on Saturday without a diaper too and had no accidents . Billy doesn 't like soup . Not a fan . I 've tried . But nope . The high chair ends up wearing more soup than Billy actually eats and then he 's hungry again in a few minutes . So , I don 't serve him soup . We sing about soup EVERY day . " Animal crackers in my soup . . . " Yup . He loves that little ditty . He sings it to me almost every morning . But will he put animal crackers in his soup ? No . Actually , that sounds kinda gross , so I 'm not going to push it . So , I 'm looking at this car sitting there out for display but partially up out of his reach . It 's a power wheels style ride on / in vehicle for a small person . Bright red . Chrome details . Looks like a very flashy , very expensive convertible . And yes , it has a little engine in it . Not Fred Flintstone style power , but the real deal . Oh , dear God . Really ? The whole ride home I got to hear about how mean I was for not buying him the red car . I 'm debating whether Santa would put him on the Naughty list for that . . . Well , this weekend began with a pony party . Yup . A bonafide party at a farm with horses and a pony and a donkey . What more could you ask for ? I told Billy all about it and he was SO excited . " Horsey Rides ! " However , I think he was thinking we were going to the fair to ride the Merry - Go - Round . When we arrived at the farm full of real horses , he wouldn 't let go of my hand . I put him in line to ride anyway . At first , Billy wasn 't so sure about riding a horse . There were two big horses for him to ride on , one white , one brown . He had to put on a helmet and stand in line behind all of the other kids . Billy got up on the horse and took his turn , with me walking beside him . He was nervous , I could tell . I asked , " Do you want to go again ? " A very strong " no . " So we walked around . There were swings and a bonfire and pens with other horses and the pen with the " minis " . So we went over to check out the minis . That would be the pony Sassy and the donkey Norman . Norman the Donkey looked hungry . So I pulled a blade of grass and offered for Billy to feed it to Norman . Nope . Too afraid . That 's okay . I fed Norman . Norman greedily asked for more grass . So I got him more . And then some more . Okay , now Billy was ready to try . But then he changed his mind and had me feed Norman Billy 's blade of grass . Then we went to check out Sassy the Pony . Rule of Thumb - ponies bite . So , we didn 't get too close . My aunt put it best last night about the family pony of long ago . She said , " They had him neutered and then he spent the rest of his life being pissed about it . " Well , after we had cake and a pinata ( Billy had the program this time . He didn 't know what to do at his own party , but I totally got it this time ) . Then it was time to meet and greet the minis . The kids got to feed carrots to Norman and Sassy . And pet them . And decorate them with ribbons and plastic hair bows . Oh yeah , and let 's not forget the bucket ' o ' glitter . Look in the picture of Norman . . . see the green ? That 's glitter in his fur . ( hair ? what do you call donkey fur ? ) So then it was time for more horse rides . And this time they brought out Sassy for rides too . She 's not used to riding as much , but they brought her out . Billy declared that Sassy was his and insisted on a ride . Then another . He even cut the line when I turned for a moment and tried to hop on using the steps all by himself . He 's got the horse bug . Uh oh ! Round 1 : Mommy vs . Billy . Put him in bed . Doesn 't want to go to bed . Can 't find his meme . Wants a story . Needs a new diaper . Uh huh . Round 2 : Billy attempts to change his own diaper . This time he actually needed a new one . After big stinky diaper change it 's back to bed . Round 3 : Billy starts screaming that there 's a problem . The problem is that he wants the ipod to play Barbara Ann by the Beach Boys and can 't figure out how to open it . He got to the internet - he just couldn 't find YouTube . * Fear * No music . I take the stereo out of his room and put him back into bed . Round 4 : Billy is in the kitchen looking for a lost toy . Starts screaming when he can 't find it . Find toy . Put him back to bed . Round 5 : Billy starts screaming . He wants to sleep with his big boy underwear . 3 pairs . I can only find 2 ( the others are in the wash ) . Insists I put on one pair and then cuddles with the other . Round 6 : Billy tosses toys and clothes over the gate in an attempt to get me to come to his room . Starts screaming . I gather toys and clothes and put them in another room out of sight , then close the door to his room . Don 't put him back to bed , just close the door . Round 7 : Billy screams for me because he 's bored . I ignore him . He is NOT in bed . Daddy calls . I explain the situation . And idea occurs to me . Round 8 : Billy starts pulling books from his shelf . I go up to investigate loud thunks . I tell Billy that Daddy is VERY disappointed in him for not being a good boy and going to bed . Put him in bed . 20 minutes , Billy is sound asleep without any more fuss . Straight to bed without any issues ? What a dream child . My dream child ! Minus that first nap on the first day , he 's been doing swimmingly with the toddler bed . When he got home from school he was extra grumpy . I mean , intolerable to be around grumpy . We all have those days . I think I 'm going to start calling it ' toddler pms ' . And he was miserable . Cried over everything . Tantrums over everything . Even goldfish made him cry . Poor goldfish , all they ever did was be yummy . But sometimes being that yummy makes Billy sad . Well , after struggling through dinner I decided he needed sleep . He was fed and still grumpy . Leading to the other main source of toddler bad moods - exhaustion . 8 : 32 Loud bang . Investigate and find Billy attempting to change his own diaper by getting into the unopened boxes of diapers and wipes in the closet . Change his poopy diaper and put him back to bed . 9 : 24 Loud bang . Go to investigate . He has attempted to put on big boy underwear and has tossed his blankets and animals from the bed . Insists that I give him a toy from the high shelf . Settles and goes back to bed . 9 : 45 " Mommy ! " Run upstairs . He has turned on the radio to the top hits station and is having a dance party in his room . Wants to know where the iPod is so that he can listen to classical music instead . ( omg , really ? ) Hook up the iPod and get the music going . Put him back in bed . 9 : 52 " Mommy , planets missing ! " He has futzed with his nightlight and now the planets aren 't on . Fix the nightlight and put him back to bed . I have no illusions on how this is going to go . He 's awake , he wants to play . I go about my bedtime routine , turn out the lights , and tuck him into bed with me . He tries to play in bed , but I refuse , even when he pokes me in the eye ( lil bugger ) . Out there in the sky there is a planet . I have no idea which one . I guess I should hop on the interwebs and look it up . But , when we were getting out of the car and Billy saw it in the sky , I decided it would be Jupiter . It 's probably not . But , well , I wanted to sound confident . So , today it 's Jupiter . We point to the planets as we name each one . He loves pointing to the planets . He 'll ask me to play the planet naming game , " Mommy , more Mars ? " Well , that 's what he means when he asks that . Those would be the tinkling of little bells attached to some toys in Billy 's room . Huh . It 's WAY past bedtime . Why are the toys moving around of their own accord ? This morning ? He forgot he was in a big boy bed and cried and cried for me to come and get him . Daddy fetched him , since I 'm all sickly and stuff ( thank you daycare plague - yet again ) . We were all over at Grandma 's cutting down a tree . Billy was bored . So I broke out the My Little Ponies . Yes , mine from when I was a girl . There is a limited supply of toys at Grandma 's . And when Billy is bored he tries to play with anything dangerous within a twenty mile radius , like razors and lighters and prescription medications . Well , the pony set I found was a dress - up kit with a pony . He was THRILLED . And then he wanted to put on his own hat and his own earrings , just like the pony . Lucky for Billy , Grandma had a box of costume jewelry floating around . He insisted on putting the earrings on . Only the fish would do . He wore this for over an hour . So , he ate dinner and went straight to bed and slept like a baby in his big boy bed . In the morning he waited ( and cried ) for me to come get him . Okay , this whole free range thing is going to work out ! First , I found him in the dark with a feather duster , dusting his room . He thought I couldn 't hear him . Next , he was playing with the door , again thinking I couldn 't hear him . And then there was the falling out of the rocking chair and crying for Mommy incident . Let 's not forget the part where I came in and found all of his diapers on the floor . He wanted to change his own diaper . So , He made a pillow pile under the dresser so he could get to the drawer with the diapers to get them all out . He got out the wipes too . He got everything onto the floor . Then , he got out all of his big boy underwear and tried to put them over the diaper first . When I found him he had both legs in one leg hole of the underwear . To be fair , he did have a stinky diaper . That little box of fries is worth the price of admission . Daddy bought him a happy meal for lunch . These are the fries . Think about how small Billy is . The fry box may look proportional in the photo , but he is only 2 . I found him hiding in his closet trying to dress himself . He still had on his jammies , but had put on a pair of shorts - on his arms , and a onesie - also on his arms . I think he was hoping to get dressed before I saw him , but he was hopelessly stuck . It 's an accessory to the crib . You remove the front panel of the crib and replace it with the toddler rail . It 's similar to the front panel , only shorter and has a section of bars cut away so that the toddler can climb in and out on their own . They also make toddler rails for adult sized beds . The idea being that they can get in and out on their own , but the rail part of it helps keep them from falling out of bed at night . But there we were in the expensive baby store ( no , actually , it was not Babys ' R ' Us ) looking around at all of the beautiful baby furniture . Daddy and I had differing opinions on cribs . He wanted a black sleigh bed crib . I wanted a white anything - but - a - sleigh - bed crib . We compromised and bought a white sleigh bed crib . Once the crib was picked out then there were the options of matching furniture . We passed on that , opting to look for other pieces elsewhere . The nice thing about white furniture is that it matches other white furniture . So , you don 't have to buy the set . That worked out because we found some awesome other pieces later . Back to the crib . Then we had to decide if we wanted the toddler rail and the bed converter kit ( converts the crib into a double bed ) . What to do ? And there I was , bulbous , glowing like the shine on new baby toys , needing to pee , sit down , eat something and pee again . And trying to decide what 's best for baby on the way . There we were paying lots of money for a beautiful crib , and the idea of getting to keep the little bundle of joy in it longer seemed like such a wonderful notion . How could be not ? And , we 're being safe and neurotic parents by having the rail to prevent falls , right ? ( By the way , we did not buy the converter kit . Daddy said no son of his would sleep in a white bed . I was thinking more along the lines of preparing for baby number 2 - and no , Sheila , I 'm not pregnant . I figured by the time Billy was ready for a bigger bed , we 'd need the crib for number 2 . ) Well , we just installed the toddler rail on the crib . It was easy to install , at least on our model of crib . I 'm not a fan of how it looks . They cheaped out on making it ( the manufacturer ) and the rail does not go to the top of the sides or all the way to the floor . So , it looks like it 's just jammed on the front . But Billy likes it so far . He slept like a baby in his new " big boy " bed . Is this better than a toddler bed ? Probably about the same . Better than a twin mattress on the floor ? Maybe a little nicer looking . I think it just depends on your taste . At least , he 's comfortable with sleeping in it , since it 's still his old crib , just converted to a bed now . And since we don 't have baby on the way , we need some place to store the crib . Storing only the front panel is much easier than the whole thing . So , there 's that . Now , without the stars of pregnancy in my eyes , I 'm not entirely sold on the toddler rail , except that we already bought it so we 'll use it . More than anything , I 'm not so sure about this free - range toddler concept . Billy on the loose ? I 'm going to have to sleep with one eye open ! Yes , it 's been quite a sh * tty day . And that 's okay . You know what ? It 's more than okay . It 's good . It 's great . It 's awesome ! It just all depends on where you 've got it . When the sh * t hits the fan , well . . . you know . But when the sh * t hits the toilet . . . that 's a whole other story . It was bedtime . As part of the bedtime routine , Billy has to use the potty . We 've been successful so far . When I ask him to go , that is . We 're not so successful with him knowing when he needs to go . So , off to the potty . We achieved the standard pee . I told me he was going for poop this time . There 's a promised chocolate cookie if he can make poop in the potty . So far , no success . He scrunched up his face in the " poop face " and made his best poop grunt . " More poop , Mommy ! " So he sat back down and popped out another . This required more flushing . We repeated the process so that in the matter of 10 minutes the toilet had been flushed 8 times . Well , the price of success . We did have a little accident on the floor in all the excitement , but can you blame him ? There were high fives and chocolate rocks and chocolate cookies all around . All because of poop . We picked a dentist just for kids . I wasn 't sure about this . I go to a dentist in an old house with living room furniture from some grandmother 's house in the waiting room . It 's typical to hear the sounds of drills wafting into the waiting room from the back . No screaming . Just drills . And it 's eerily quiet . Too quiet . Helps get that blood pressure up to be just an extra bit nervous about having all of your teeth ripped from your head . You know , the typical trip to the dentist . So we walk in and they have a two story castle built into the waiting room , with activity tables , books , monitors with Nintendo games , and TVs mounted up onto the walls playing Stuart Little . Awe . Some . Is Billy impressed ? YES . Then we go into another play room for the initial consult . Here 's where the hygienist asks me questions about his dental health . And he gets to watch more of Stuart Little ( playing simul - cast throughout the multiple rooms of the office ) and play with toys . Wait . . . what ? Where are the sounds of drills and the smell of anesthesia ? Stickers ? Too friendly . Elmo stickers ? Ooh , breaking out the big guns . Billy gets to sit in my lap on a chair and lay back so his head is in the hygienist 's lap . First she shows off her extra special " tissue " that goes over her face because she 's " sneezy " . Then she shows him her pink gloves that reek of strawberries . Apparently , they are flavored too . I 'm too chicken to lick them to find out . Billy 's not fooled . He knows gloves and he knows masks . These people are silly . They 've been playing in the costume bin . ( Yep . We 've got one of those at home ) . Then she brushes his teeth , singing . He 's nervous there in my lap and holds onto my hands . But he doesn 't cry , doesn 't make a sound , and sits perfectly still . He 's rewarded for his effort with five more stickers . Okay . Where 's the fear ? The high blood pressure ? I think we 've walked into the wrong office . Clearly , this is not a dentist 's office . Now it 's time for the dentist to come over . She too has been digging in the costume bin , but she has come up with purple gloves that smell and taste like grapes . Let 's not forget that mask . She sings the special dentist song while poking at his teeth with the dental pick - you know that standard instrument of torture . No pain here . No screams of horror . Just a gentle check of his teeth . Billy sits calmly while she goes over his mouth , checks him out , and then polishes up those pearly whites . There has to be a catch somewhere . Yep . Here it comes . The dentist slaps a giant " super mom " sticker on me . Apparently , I did a good job getting Billy comfortable and interested in dental hygiene . Normally ( according to the dentist ) the first visit involves tears , tantrums , and ear - splitting screams . Not Billy . Nope . His was a pleasant visit . This might be a first ever in the history of dentistry . Could be . Just saying . ( My how dentistry has changed . ) And Billy voted too . Well , he helped Mommy . We went up to our local polling place with Daddy first thing this morning and stood in line for our opportunity to participate in democracy . I tried to explain to Billy about how we 're going to pick between two men to be our next leader . Then Daddy told him we were picking between Elmo and Mickey Mouse . Which did he prefer ? Billy chose to remain silent on that question . It 's a tough choice , and neither one is wrong , it 's just a matter of preference . He was very patient waiting . It was a big day - a big opportunity . And there were lions . Roar ! Yep . The lobby of the polling place was decorated with lions . That helped with the boredom . It 's never too early to take an interest in politics . In fact , this isn 't Billy 's first time voting . He voted two years ago . I have proof : First , I 've gotten a lot of comments about yesterday 's post and about pulling Billy from daycare . We absolutely love our daycare , except for this one class . Keeping in mind that he will likely be bumped in 4 months , we 're going to first go to the director about this , before moving to another school . The iphone - it 's not for me . Nope . I hardly use it , except to play sudoku ( bit of a numbers junkie over here ) . Nope . Not me . " Is Billy 's phone ! " he tells me . Ah , yes . The newest obsession . I made the mistake of introducing Billy to youtube . First , there was the video if the Chordettes singing Lollipop . That 's the Lolli song . Then we moved on to the Beach Boys and Barbara Ann . That would be Ba Ba . And today , having listened to Lollipop for the 1 , 397 , 574 , 392 , 999 time this week ( and counting ) I introduced him to the Byrds . We were playing with his musical instruments and I picked up the tambourine . This , of course , called for me singing ( loudly and off - key ) " Hey , Mr . Tambourine Man , play a song for me , lala lala I forget the words , la la la la . . . ! " Wait , there 's a jingle - jangle in there somewhere , right ? Let 's ask youtube ! So , I pulled up a video ( black and white of course ) of the Byrds singing Tambourine Man . As Grandma pointed out , all of these black and white videos of bands performing famous songs are probably from the Ed Sullivan Show . Sure , Grandma . . . little before my time . But I 'll run with it . Now Billy loves the Tambourine Man and banged along with the Byrds on his little tambourine . " More , tamba Mommy ! " He wanted the video to show more of the guy playing the tambourine . know this . He was in time out in the parking lot for that very reason . It 's his favorite way of letting me he 's unhappy about not getting his way . I don 't like it . He goes in time out . hitting my child ? And she just dropped this bomb in front of ALL 12 kids sitting around the table eating breakfast , including my own ? And they were all quiet , so they all heard it . And you 're going to tell me that no child in your class has ever , EVER smacked another in the face . Really ? What I do know is it started about a week after he started in her class . And that before they moved him up to this room he loved school . But now it 's a fight to go to school . He kicks and screams and begs me not to take him . They moved him up too early and he 's the youngest kid in the room . He 's not ready to be in there , but always getting in trouble for things like not listening and not sitting still . I don 't like this one though . She sends home snarky notes every week to me and finds ways to criticize Billy to me in front of him every week as well . It 's downright mean . |
This is the story of a pioneer woman of California , told by herself . I was born in near San Andreas , Calaveras County , California on June 29th , 1861 . My parents were among the earliest pioneers . My father , Daniel Hackett Pillsbury , born November 1826 in Springford , New Hampshire and died April 20 , 1889 in Railroad Flat , Calaveras County , California . He was the first mate of the Bark Oscar , from Mattapoisett , Massachusetts which sailed in the fall of 1849 for the trip around Cape Horn and arrived in San Francisco Bay six months later . My mother came from Brooklyn , New York , by the Isthmus Route and reached San Francisco in 1853 . She was Bridget Delia Elizabeth Curley born in Athlone West Meath Ireland in 1839 and died August 23 1874 . They were married in San Andreas in April 1857 and I was their third child . The home into which I was born was one of the best of those times . My father had been in the state for eleven years and had amassed quite a little money . Our parlor furniture was that very uncomfortable sort , made of mahogany , upholstered in the shiny black horsehair that kept people busy regaining their seat . My mother had beautiful clothes and nice jewelry , and there was a horse and buggy to take her to church and to visit her friends . I can 't remember any of this glory for disasters swept it away while I was still a baby . My father lost one piece of property after another until there was nothing left . In the extremely wet winter of 1861 his cattle died and his dairy business was ruined . Not long after this our beautiful home was destroyed in a fire from which only a few articles were saved . One was a mahogany chair which was the chief treasure in the little cabin on the San Antone Creek , now our home . A year later in 1862 we moved to El Dorado where my father was furnishing water to the miners . He had two large reservoirs and miles of ditches . But bad luck struck again and the dams broke , one at a time . He was left stranded . I love to go back in memory to those days that were spent at El Dorado . They were the happiest of my life . My parents were now in very straitened circumstances . But what are hard times to children ? Everyone else seemed to be having the same troubles and our home was no worse than the homes of our playmates so we were all carefree together . It was my mother who suffered most . Her health failed her and on August 23 , 1874 she passed away . I was fourteen years old at the time . By this time my father was working in Railroad Flats and so there we moved . There were six children in the family . The four younger children started school the next Monday after our arrival and all the schooling that any of us ever received was given to us in that old school house . It was gray walled and faded on the outside and worse still on the inside . But it was beautiful to me . I didn 't see the dusty brown walls , ceilings and the rough desks and floors . But I did see the splendid oak tree outside the window and the birds flying in and amongst its branches . Our books contained magic stories that I reveled in and if I could be left alone and undisturbed with them I felt as if I were in a beautiful world all my own . Chapter 2 During all of these years the specter of poverty still followed closely . When apples were in season our school lunches consisted of the fruit and bread eaten without butter . I was the pilot of my family so seizing the ten pound lard bucket that held our lunches . I led the little fry to a nice quite spot remote from the eyes of the rest of the school . There we feasted joyfully without any remarks or curios glances to interfere with our pride or our digestion . During the first fifty years of my life I never knew anything but hard times . The only difference was that every once in so often times froze up so very solid that it seemed to me a battle axe was the only thing that might cause them to thaw . In 1879 , my oldest sister Mary Delia Pillsbury , who had been housekeeper since my mother 's death , was married and went to a home of her own . I tried to take her place and go to school also . But it was too much for me to do . We lived at least a mile and a half from the school house and by the time I had prepared breakfast , finished the housework , baked the apples for lunch , dressed myself decently for school and hurried to be on time , I was too tired to do justice to my studies . I went about six weeks of the fall term and then quit . It seemed queer to think of the studies I had in that one room mountain school in the 1870 's . I don 't know if there was a course of study or not because a pupil could take up or leave out anything he or she wished . But I think that all had to learn to read , spell , count and to write at it . Other subjects were their own choice . I took all the subjects usually included in a grammar school course and in addition I took Algebra , Geometry , Physiology , Philosophy , Botany and I read Astronomy . As there were no other pupils in school taking those subjects , it just depended on me , myself , whether or not I got anywhere with them . I think I must have had a streak of scholarly ambition , for the teachers said I did very well . It is with a heart full of gratitude that I look back to that fine group of men wChapter 3 In my neighborhood in the 1870 's and 1880 's there were some ladies who made a god out of housekeeping . They appeared to have no charity for anyone that was not as capable of a housekeeper as were they . They said I was lazy and preferred reading the New York Ledger when I should have been helping to prepare the evening meal . I was a tomboy and instead of assisting my sister in doing the family mending and other household duties I played outdoors with my brothers . In short , I was everything I should not have been and nothing I should have been . How many times in the days since then I have been thankful I read the Ledger and everything else readable that came my way . It is thrilling even now to recall the enjoyment and sometimes the feeling of horror I felt when reading those long ago stories . Books by Dickens , Scott , Thackeray , George Elliot , Washington Irving , Cooper , The Scottish Chiefs , Robinson Crusoe and other tales which took me along wonderful paths of pleasure and gave me glimpses into the life of worlds before unknown to me . In the Ledger Mrs . Emma D . Southworh , a native of one of the Southern states wrote most entertainingly of life in the slave states before the Civil War . Mrs . Harriet Lewis of the same paper laid the scenes of her stories in England and Scotland and far off India . Sylvanus Cobb , Jr . , another Ledger contributor , took one back to the stirring days both before and during the Revolutionary War , while Leon Lewis chose New York and islands of the Atlantic , the Bermudas , Jamaica , Madeira and Azore Islands to engage the attention and charm the mind of his readers . Those books were not only interesting stories to me , they were also books of travel . Where else even today can one find such vivid scenes of home life in England and Scotland as are to be found in the novels of Elliot , Scott and Dickens ? In one of Mrs . Southworth 's books , I accompanied a young married couple on their wedding tour . From their home in Virginia we went to Washington and registered at the Willard Hotel . - A new Willard has replaced the one we stayed in . - We visited all the points of interest in that city and I was no more surprised at the magnificence and strangeness of the big town than was Gertrude , the little country bride from Virginia . From Washington we went to New York . After a week there spent in visiting picture galleries , going to theaters , riding in Central Park , eating in places so gorgeous that one 's breath was taken away . And partaking of food so delicious and at the same time queer , it was rather startling to both Gertrude and me when Gerald told us that he had engaged passage on a Cunard steamship and we would leave on the next day for Europe . This trip is still fresh in my mind . It was a wonderful experience . And this was just one of the many that were mine and of the many people I became acquainted with . I shared their joys and their sorrows , called them by their given names , and was really one of them . When I was no longer a school girl but a homemaker in earnest , I turned my attention to the work with the greatest zeal . I would show my fault - finding neighbors I knew how to run a small three room house as such a place should be run . I have to admit that it was an uphill undertaking , but I never gave up . With the aid of broom and scrubbing brush , newspapers and plenty of elbow grease , I made that shack , if not exactly blossom as the rose , show up as a model of neatness and comfort . The cooking was not quite so easy . It was conquered , though I eventually became the best pie maker in the community . It all took time and effort to do it , and with the means at hand it often seemed impossible . In 1880 my father bought the farm adjoining us on the east and we moved into the house there which was much larger than the shack we were occupying . There were five rooms on the lower floor and two in the attic . In the attic room on the eastern side the walls and the ceiling had been covered with rough pine lumber , but the western room had been left untouched . There was neither paint nor paper here and the imagination had to be stretched almost to the breaking point to see any beauty in these rude surroundings . The lower rooms were more hopeful and I went to work with vim to see if I could improve them . With a little money I could have worked wonders but there was no money to be spared for anything but the - must be paid fors . Luck threw in my way a chance to earn a couple of dollars . Ah Hoo , one of the Chinese working in the sawmill decided to have some jumpers made . I was only too glad to do the sewing and by this means I earned enough to by paper for the border and walls . Each little job of sewing gave me enough to buy muslin for the ceiling and paper for the walls of the sitting room . When I finished those rooms they just looked lovely to me . I was enthusiastic now in housekeeping and flower gardening as I had been in my school work . At the head of the stairway was a large box filled with magazines and papers . They were accumulations of several years left there by the former owners . There was a wealth of good reading among them . I have forgotten most of the titles , but I do remember Godey 's Ladies Magazines . I wish I had those now . They would be quite antique . I was married on April 10 , 1887 , to a man named James Ham , a native of England . I think my wedding day was the most unhappy day of my life . For months afterward I couldn 't think of it without tears . The wedding took place in the sitting room that I had worked so hard to make presentable . There was a nice group of friends present and everything should have been happy . But it almost broke my father up . If it had been my funeral he couldn 't have felt worse . When congratulations were in order , he shook Jim 's hand and said , with tears coursing down his cheeks , that Jim had taken the best spoke out of his wheel . It almost broke my heart and I would have given anything to have reconciled my father to my leaving . After the wedding we went to New Almaden in Santa Clara County to visit his brother and their families . We stayed there a few days more and than a month . During that time I had my first contact with real English life . As far as I know I was the only American in the community . All were English born the children of English born parents and they talked , ate and lived as in England . When we left New Almaden we were weighted down with silver dollars . While he was there Jim worked in the quick silver mines , and as they paid off in silver dollars , a month 's pay amounted to some weight . He managed it though by putting most of the dollars in one of the trunks and the remainder in several of our pockets . From here we went to San Francisco on a sort of delayed wedding trip . This was my first visit to the city and was on of the most memorable events of my life . We stopped at the International Hotel on Kearny Street . At that time it seemed to be a family hotel and the people whom I met there were all very nice people . While we were in the city we took in as many of the points of interest as possible : Woodward 's Garden , Golden Gate Park , The Cliff House , the seals and the seal rocks , and the theaters . We also saw the panorama of The Battle of Waterloo . Even now , after all the years since then , I have only to close my eyes and in fancy see that wonderful picture . It was glorious to me . After our visit in San Francisco , we went to Angels Camp where Jim went to work in the Angels Mine . We were there from May to October . Those days were not very pleasant . In fact they were horrible . I was afraid all of the time , afraid that every time Jim went down into that dreadful mine he would never come out alive . It 's something I don 't care to think about even now . Our next place was the Union Mine about three miles south of San Andreas . He and some other miners took a contract to sink the shaft a certain number of feet at a certain sum per foot . But to get a house to live in we were obliged to board the men at the mine that had no home close by . Before April , when we went away there , I had twelve people to cook for . But Jim made money on his contract and was able to carry away a thousand dollars . In July 1888 my baby Kathryn Grace Ham was born and I tried to feel well again , but I had worked too hard in those months before her coming to gain any health . It looked as the months passed on as if I would never be well again . Fifteen months later another baby was born , a boy , now I had two babies to care for and no health . My father was aging fast and it made me feel rather unhappy to have to recognize the fact . He was sixty three when he passed away in April 1889 . After my father 's death , we moved from the home place to a small house in town , and in October of 1889 James Jr . came . Jim Sr . had had a bad cough every once in awhile for a long time and it was coming more frequently and getting worse with every recurrence . That spring the La grippe first made its appearance , he coughed so hard that I made him go to San Francisco to consult a physician . The doctor examined him and said that his lungs were perfectly healthy : the trouble was his throat and was nothing to worry about . It was hard not to worry . Time passed on until 1893 . There was another baby in the family and no money . Jim 's cough was worse and he was not able to work in the mine . The outlook was very dubious and what to do was the question . When the baby was six weeks old we heard of an opening in a hotel in West Point and we took it . The winter had been very stormy and the rivers were very high . The south fork of the Mokelumne River , which we had to cross , was unbridged and the water came into the bed of the wagon . We crossed over safely however and reached West Point . Chapter 7 Since the birth of my first child I had never felt very well and the coming of two more babies into the family did not make me feel better . I was in no condition to engage in any kind of work , but our financial circumstances were such that I felt ready to grasp at anything . The hotel was the best offer and we took it . At that time there were six permanent boarders in the house besides my family and quite a few transient customers . The morning after our arrival we took over the management . My sister Nettie , who made her home with me now that my father was gone , helped me prepare breakfast for a dozen people . Our sleeping quarters were on the upper floor , and there was no way of warming the rooms to make them comfortable for the children , but we dressed the two older ones and rolled the baby in a That was forty seven years ago and more was eaten for breakfast in those days . At the hotel a three course breakfast was always served from six to eight o ' clock . My sister and I did all the work , cooking , dish washing , waiting on table , and chamber work . I did the cooking myself which included the baking of bread , pies , cakes , in fact , everything that comes out of an oven . I often wonder how I did it . A women scarcely able to walk , nursing one and caring for three children the hours filled the with work from morning until late at night , it seems almost incredible , but - I did it . Chapter 8 During the summer and fall months times were fairly good but by October , everything was at a standstill . It would not pay to keep the hotel open so we moved to private life , and Jim took a job at forty dollars a month for the winter . In the Spring he went into a mine with some of the other men , one of those specimen rock mines that were never known to pay , and came out in June with the usual outcome , - nothing . It is said that hope springs eternal in the female breast and maybe it does , but about that time hope was lying quite dormant in my heart . With Jim it was different , bless him . He and my brother Dan were going to try a place on the Stanislaus River that had never been touched . Above and below this place fabulous sums had been taken out but this part of the stream was just as nature and formed it . This story had been told to my brother by a very aged Mexican who had been in the neighborhood since the earliest of days , perhaps prior to 1849 . A fortune waited for those who would go there , blast out the rocks , as large as a house , some of them , get down to bed rock in the river bed , and take out gold . What wonderful golden dreams people have . Before going , Jim made arrangements with a store in town to supply his family with whatever was necessary , and in June 1894 , he and Dan left to find a fortune in the Stanislaus . Chapter 9 Before the summer was very far advanced I became aware that another baby was on its way . This meant that more than ever a little money was necessary . Then the women from whom we were renting our house decided that she wanted to occupy it herself and gave me notice . As I was in no condition to go house hunting I concluded to return to the home belonging to us in Rail Road Flat . We moved in September , leaving our store bill unpaid , a matter to me of keenest regret . Many a night afterward I lay awake planning how to get enough ahead to pay that bill . It was years before I had the money , but at length I succeeded in raising the amount and sent it with a joyful heart and straightened shoulders to the merchant we owed , who received it as gladly and as thankfully . He wrote that it seemed as if the money had come from God to help pay for medical help for his sick wife . " God moves in mysterious ways . " In November Jim wrote that he was coming home . They had removed all the debris and found , when they reached the river bed , that it had already been worked by someone . Those huge rocks and been deposited in that place in the river by a flood , a cloudburst probably higher in the mountains . So that was that . One afternoon I saw someone approaching the house with a little bundle on a stick over his shoulder . I didn 't recognize him . As far as dress was concerned he bore no resemblance to the spic and span Jimmie Ham who left West Point in June . But it was Jim arriving just in time to summon the doctor . Now that Jim was at home with empty pockets and I was able to be up and around , what to do next was the problem uppermost in our minds . It was a period of hard times , the depression of 1893 in its second year . There was no work to be had and Jim 's thoughts turned to mining for himself as a solution . There were a number of prospects in this mining district on which the required assessment work had not been done , and according to mining law , they were open on the first of January , for any person to relocate . At one minute past twelve o ' clock on January 1st , 1895 , Jim put a notice of location on the Crown Point Mine . This mine had been discovered and worked in the early days by a company of men from New York , and it had paid very well . They abandoned it for better prospects closer to a mill . Since then it had been " jumped " a number of times by different parties and was open to relocation when Jim took it . Chapter 11 The winter was very rainy but not cold . As the long walk , four miles , was too much for Jim before and after a days work , we moved to the mine in February . There was a cabin , eight by sixteen feet wide by sixteen feet long on one side , which had belonged to the former owner . Jim replaced the windows which had been stolen , also put in a rough board ceiling , and I papered the black boards with clean newspapers . We had a nice heater and wood was to be had for the cost of picking it up , so we were warm and comfortable if one didn 't ask too much . Of course we didn 't intend to stay there very long . It was a sort of get - rich - quick proposition and we would soon be out and away . My brother Dan was a partner in the mine with Jim , and they went right to work to take out a crushing . It wasn 't long before they had ten or fifteen tons of quartz on the dump , all of which prospected well , and they were in good spirits . Poor boys , when the returns came back they received less than forty dollars on an expected two hundred fifty or more . Of course they said what most everyone says at such times , the gold was allowed to run off the plates , or the mill man helped himself . What a year that was , and the years that followed . They kept on summer and fall with no better results . In the fall sometime , a mine at Railroad had been bought by some capitalists and Jim and Dan got work there . Before going to work Dan moved his family , and we , my sister Nettie and I , and the children , were left in the woods alone . Chapter 12 It seemed very quite and almost lonesome now that so many of our summer family was gone . It gave me time to think . One thing I had to think about was the question of school . How was I ever going to send my children to a school four miles distant . When I thought of the long miles through the woods , facing wind , snow and rain , the wild animals they might meet , to say nothing of snakes in the summer , I turned sick with dread . But something had to be done . They could not be allowed to grow up in ignorance . For awhile I tried to teach them at home but didn 't meet with much success with James Jr . He was somewhat of a problem pupil , and when he did go to school I felt a great sympathy for his teachers . Finally he and Kathryn went to Railroad to school . Ever since her first school year Kathryn wanted to become a teacher , and I encouraged her in every way I could . But the obstacle that had hindered me from climbing higher in my girlhood days was still hindering me from giving my daughter the thing we both valued and longed for more than anything else , - an education . In our school at that time we had an excellent teacher , a man who had inspired many of his pupils to go onto something higher and had helped them all in their preparation . He coached Kathryn in all the subjects for her teachers ' examination and advised her to take the test in Sonora in May , this was 1907 . She did not want to go until I told her I would go with her and take the test too . When I gave her that promise she was delighted . It had been twenty eight years since my last day in school and my life had been spent in cooking , sewing , gardening , mining , surveying , cattle and sheep raising , and a thousand other things so necessary to make a home run smoothly . The next question was what to do about clothes , but I managed that . I had a skirt belonging to a suit that cost four dollars , fifty cents in 1898 , and a pair of shoes of the same vintage . I bought enough cotton cashmere for blouses and made them up according to a Delineator illustration . Kathryn was already supplied with shoes and for hats I sent to Sears Roebuck and Company and bought two at fifty cents each which were really quite nice . The weather was warm so coats didn 't mean much , fortunately . It was sort of tempering the wind to the shorn lamb , and we got along nicely . Chapter 13 The examination was to begin on Monday at 9 o ' clock , so it behooved us to start early . On Saturday morning , after harnessing old Bill to the buggy , and with twenty dollars , borrowed money , in my purse , we started on our journey and reached Murphy 's that evening . That old Bill was a character if there ever was one . His driver never knew what he was going to do next . Sunday morning instead of continuing our journey with Bill for our buggy horse , my brother put one of his horses in Bill 's place and Kathryn rode Bill . We rented a room for the week for six dollars and the next morning entered the examination room , there to find ourselves in company with twenty two or three applicants from the Western Normal in Stockton , all primed for the test . I did not have any expectation of passing . Each applicant had to pay two dollars , and I shall never forget the pang in my heart when I put that money down and whispered " Good - bye " to it . Well , after laying down the dollars we began the examination , not as I thought from a printed list , but by copying each question as read by the superintendent . This was the first test I had ever taken in my life and my first thought was , " I can never do it . " My second thought was , " and lose the two dollars ? No , never . I will do my best . " It was a very difficult test and so long that it was tiresome . When Mr . Morgan read an example of a question I knew right away if I could answer it correctly or not . And the greater part of them I could . The test was finished on Friday afternoon and Saturday morning we started out on our home journey expecting to reach Murphys that evening but we couldn 't make it . Bill had been in one of the best stables in Sonora where I had paid first class rates for his board . On getting away from town he acted as if he were starved . Every bunch of grass or weed the poor brute saw he would stop and eat and as our journey proceeded he seemed to get weaker and his temper uglier . We had crossed the bridge at Parrot 's Ferry , and were on that part of the road that had been built up on a level with the bridge when , like a flash of lightening , that animal whirled half way around and pushed the buggy over to the edge of the wall between the road and the bed of the river . Kathryn by this time was out and grabbed him by the bridle in time to save us from going over a drop of twelve or fifteen feet to the rocks below . We straightened horse and buggy around and looked at the road , all up hill , that was facing us now . By this time Bill 's head was almost down between his feet and we realized he was never going to be able to pull us and the buggy up those hills . The only thing to do was for us to walk up the hill and help Bill with the buggy . It was almost sundown when we gained the top of the grade and stopped again for Bill to rest and for us to decide to go down to Angels or up to Murphys . We decided to take the down grade hoping the weight behind him might help to push him along . When we reached Angels it was getting dark and I took a back road instead of the main street . I felt that I would be arrested for cruelty to animals if I dared drive Bill through the main street . The next day Bill acted as if he were going to die . He lay down all day as if every minute was going to be his last . He was able to make the trip to my brother 's after Two weeks later we heard the results from Sonora . There was a very nice letter to Kathryn from the Board saying that they were sorry to tell her she had failed to make the required number of credits to pass , but not to let that discourage her . In a separate envelope addressed to me , was a certificate giving me lawful permission to enter the schools of California as a teacher . Of course I was glad that I had not failed , even if I did not intend to use the certificate . Kathryn had taken the test in Calaveras County the year before and had a good standing so it was just up to her to work during the summer and take the examination again in August . She did that and got her credentials and commenced to her first school assignment that fall , on the same day that I entered the school room in West Point . Chapter 14 I have said that I did not intend to teach . I intended to continue to keep my home running smoothly , work in the garden and among my flowers , look out for the sheep and cattle of which we had a good many , and doctor them when they need such attentions , that the chickens went to roost at the proper time every evening , and if there were no men around , kill every rattlesnake that ventured into the yard . But according to the old adage , " Man proposes and God disposes " . The old order of my life passed from my hands that year . At that time there was a big water project , the construction of a dam , going on high up in the Sierras at Relief , and Jim Jr . and his father , went there to stay until operations should close for the winter . After working for a month or so , the work was stopped , and the men laid off . My men came home , the elder Jim being filled with the idea of building or quartz mill on his own mine and crushing his own quartz . It all sounded very promising . There was rock enough at the dump on the shaft to make a net cleanup of a thousand dollars if it could be crushed in his own mill . Well , the mill was built . Timbers had to be taken out , a mortar block furnished , shakes made , lumber and machinery bought , and living expenses for five persons . I couldn 't see anything else but that someone had to go out and get a job . I applied for the primary department of the West Point District School and was hired at sixty dollars a month . My board and room at the hotel were ten dollars . I went home every Friday night in the low back - cart behind old Bill , wearing the same hat and shoes that had done me duty in Sonora . On Saturday I laundered my clothes and did the family washing , starched and ironed my one school dress , a gray chambray , and Sunday afternoon went back to West Point . I was at this school eight months and I think I proved satisfactory . When I went out to teach I thought it would be for one year only . By the time school would be out , the school would be finished , the rock crushed , and we would be on easy street . When all was done and the clean up made , there wasn 't enough left to pay the mill man . Just another one of those things that came our way . The failure of that rock was a keen disappointment to us all . Jim felt it worse than anyone else , and for that reason I hid my emotions all that I could , in order to keep his spirits from falling . He was anxious to try it again , so the next year I taught at Railroad Flat in the Eureka District . I was here fifteen years . Chapter 15 During these years many changes came into my life . The two older children married and went to live in Stockton . Then along came the World War ( ONE ) and Harry , my youngest , enlisted . Many of the boys who had gone to my school were in training camps and there was scarcely a home in the district that had a boy old enough to go but had its vacant chair . Although I have tried I cannot forget that awful evening I returned home from school , the day Harry left for the war . I stood before the door and couldn 't open it to go in . A feeling of indescribable sorrow possessed me . It seemed as if - - - - I can 't explain the feeling . It was war and no one knows what war really is until it comes to him . May it never happen again is my fervent prayer . Jim , after repeated failures and using up the best years of his life in the mine , gave up trying and went to San Joaquin Valley . Here he bought a ten acre farm and planted almond trees . This was a very unwise move for he knew nothing about farming . Well , the inevitable happened , and trouble again . His trees grew well and blossomed full , but developed no fruit because they had not been pollinated . One Sunday afternoon , while he was absent , the hundred chickens he had bought , his chicken house , his own living quarters , the feed house , pump house and everything else that was flammable , in fact everything was reduced to ashes by a tramp from the hospital for the insane in Stockton who was touring the country by himself . It was just one unlucky thing after another , and it hurt Jim because he was so very anxious to succeed . The summer of 1920 was a very unprofitable one , and when his cough came in October , he came up to Stockton to Kathryn 's . He wrote me that he had a cold but would be all right in a few days and able to go home . That was a very stormy winter and my school wouldn 't close until Christmas . On the Friday before that I went to Mokelumne Hill with the R . F . D . driver . The roads were in a dreadful state and we just made it . In some places in the road , the mud and stones could be heard grinding on the bottom of the car , and in others the car wasn 't able to move although the wheels were turning . That was the last trip the car made for the next two weeks , so I was very lucky to get through that day . I arrived in Stockton that morning at eleven o ' clock . The train was early and I expected that there would be no one to meet me , but Jim had insisted on the train being met . A few minutes more and I was with him and he was so glad . But the minute I looked at him I knew that the time I had dreaded for years was near , yet I knew I must not let him know . A few short days more and it was all over . He fought the idea of going to the hospital and it was only four or five days before the end that he consented . I have no recorChapter 16 Well , it was all over . Jim had passed on . The farm was placed in the hands of a real estate dealer for sale by the boys , the car disposed of , and the time had come for me to return to my school . It wasn 't easy to go back to the cabin at Railroad Flat where I had lived . It held too many memories . I arrived at my hometown on Saturday and once again I stood alone before my empty cabin . Everything all around looked so desolate that it was depressing . I unlocked the door which was chilled by the cold of weeks , made a fire in the stove , put on the tea kettle and rubbed off the steam that was now dimming the windows . I took the broom and gave the house a vigorous sweeping . I did everything I could to keep from thinking . The long lonely evening was coming and I dreaded it . I prepare something to eat and planned to bake the next day . " Maybe I 'll bake a pie . I know little Charlie will like a piece Monday when school opens . It is lovely that I have cords and cords of nice dry wood and that everything for my meal is ready . I 'll not set the table that would make it too lonesome . I 'll just sit here by the fire in the big chair and eat out of the kettle . I don 't think I 'm very hungry , though , but I 'll drink the tea . No I don 't think I want any tea . I 'll just sit here and watch the fire , and maybe take little catnaps . I 'll not think of those dark days just passed . I am glad that he is at rest , he suffered so . Never again will he be wracked with that awful cough , nor suffer such pain . I 'll not think of him as dead . He is just away . " And so my thoughts wondered on and on . At twelve o ' clock I was prepared for bed but hour after hour I lay there awake until night brightened into day , and I arose and began another day . Chapter 17 What a blessing is work and what a comfort it has been to me . Monday morning I resumed my school duties and there was plenty to keep both myself and the pupils busy . But the work seemed to tire me more that formerly . For some reason the walk uphill to the school house wasn 't as easy as it had been and my breath became shorter . But I was never on to pay attention k to such minor afflictions so I kept right on without doing anything about it and it seemed to pass on its way . When school was out in June , I went to Stockton for a rest and a change . During the summer I felt far from well , and suffered for weeks with neuralgia . At the end of vacation I went back to Eureka to open school . It would be my fifteenth year . When I returned in August , as far as I knew I was feeling all right , just a little shortness of breath , but not anything serious so I paid no attention . In September however I developed a cough , something I had not been troubled with since girlhood . After a very severe attack of fever in my nineteenth year , I was left with a bad cough . My father called a doctor who frightened him very badly by saying that I had tuberculosis and wouldn 't live three weeks . Since that time I had been free from coughs and it was hard to understand why this was so persistent . In October , Institute was held in Sacramento and while attending I consulted a physician who said I would have to be very careful as my heart was in a dangerous way . He prescribed treatment for me which I followed very carefully , but without any good results . I bought many kinds of cough remedies but nothing seemed to help me , and so many drugs were hurting me in other ways . All of this time I taught everyday , and often locking my school house at four o ' clock in the evening I wondered if I would be there to unlock it the next morning . At last I realized I was not getting better but worse , and I quit all medicine and recovered without it . It was a strenuous battle and I would not like to have to fight it again . When school closed in June , as far as health was concerned , I was better , but I knew it would not be far to myself to return to the old surroundings . I had spent too many lonely and pain racked hours alone at night in that cabin , fighting sorrow to ever want to return to the scene . I realized a complete change was what I should and must have . Chapter 18 Leaving this home place was not easy . This part of the country had been my home since 1875 . In the eureka District I had passed the greater part of my school life and a number of my school mates were still living here . Here I had been married and my children born . In this place I have known about the joys and sorrows that usually enter into any one persons life . The people had been as my own people for so long a time that it was hard to part with them . During the fifteen years of my school teaching here , at the beginning of the term those trusting little children had come , baby teeth shining , and faces glowing , and had gone on from one grade to the next until they had graduated , and had known no other teacher . For fifteen years at the beginning of every term a beginner 's class , at it 's close a graduating class . What a glorious opportunity I had for doing good . During those years I had more to do for the handicapped children than falls to the lot of many teachers . There was a boy who was sent to me , and as I see it now , if God hadn 't been with me every minute of the time , I could never had done anything for him . As it was I took him through the grades to the sixth , when his parents moved away . He is now a man thirty seven years of age , and anyone not knowing his history would think he never could be anyway but normal . Another pupil at Glen Ellen , a girl , was born feeble minded . I taught her to read , write and spell , and when she left my school , she could write a very interesting letter . The last I heard of her was that she was caring for some of the younger children of the institution , washing and dressing them in the mornings and reading to them and putting them to bed at night . I know how happy that must make her . The last time I saw her , ten or twelve years ago , she was reading the Bible to her father . Another pupil , a bright boy , was stricken with infantile paralysis in the first part of his forth grade year . His parents moved into a house quit near to where I lived , and when he was able to stand it , they carrI am thankful to be able to write that I had no failures in the fifteen years that I was there . The " not so bright " were worked with until they were able to pass on with there class . The second year I was there I had a ninth grade in addition to the regular eight grades . And I often wondered how I did it , but thankfully I did . At the close of my last year in Eureka , I went to Stockton an applied for the Lammersville District school in San Joaquin County . I shall always appreciate the favorable recommendation that the Superintendent of schools gave me . And another thing which will always make my heart feel grateful is the remembrance of the kind reception given to me by the trustees of Lammersville and their gracious wives . I wonder if they realize how much their warm welcome meant to me a stranger . Lammersville , like Eureka , is a one room school , and has all the grades . When I first came here , the homes in the district were owned by the families occupying them . Now those people are no longer here and practically all of the places are rented for different periods of times , as dairy farms , thus making a floating population in this district . As in Eureka , I had a receiving class at the beginning of each year and a graduating class at the close . Out of the fifteen graduating classes that went from Lammersville , there were but two pupils that had been mine through all of the grades . While teaching at Lammersville , I boarded three years with a family in the district , and the other twelve years in Tracy , which is about four miles from Lammersville . I rode to and fro on the high school bus traveling around the country in morning for miles and miles before I reached my school . And then four miles back home in the evening . I enjoyed the ride and the new faces that came aboard at the beginning of each new year to take the places of the departing group . Conclusion Those thirty one years that I spent in the school room were very busy years . I almost always had a large school , the attendance hardly ever fell below thirty pupils and several years reaching forty five . It meant work , patience , enthusiasm , diplomacy , and then victory . I cannot describe feeling of exhaultation in my soul when after months of trying , the boy of long ago , recognized his first printed word . And when Freda , a few years later , could find the word " come " among a page full of other words , it was a glorious feeling to know I had accomplished something that had seemed , to all who knew her , impossible . For all of these opportunities of the past , I am truly thankful today . I entered the school room in 1907 at the age of forty six . I had raised a family who were now all old enough not to need my care in the same way that they had required when they were younger . I ended my teaching career in 1938 at the age of seventy seven . I have written this account of my life at the request of my friends who say that it is inspirational . To me it doesn 't seem so . It has been doing my best from day to day with the best of my ability and in the most part trying to avoid feeling sorry for myself . There are thousands of other women who have done and are still doing Life 's work as it comes to their hands . I do not say that my work is finished . No one 's work is ever done until the call come 's to close Life 's book . When that call comes for me I hope to be able to say in the words of the old hymn , " I have fought my way through . I have finished the work Thou dids 't give me to do . " My ears not be too dull to hear the blest words , " Well and faithfully done . Enter into my joy . |
I have the best job in the world . . . ok , not really . Today I was doing things to get stuff ready for group that I am now coordinating and ended up having to pick up a little man and hang out with him for awhile . While we were in a company vehicle ( thank goodness ) , I hear " Mrs . Amy " and I turn around . He had thrown up all over himself along with part of the van . I asked him why he didn 't tell me that he didn 't feel good and he said " I told you I missed my mommy . " I should have known : ) . I felt so bad for him , but I do not do throw up . As I handed him paper towels to try to get some of it off of him , I was so close to throwing up myself . Driving him home , I almost threw up on the van too . UGH . . . talk about the most frustrating part . . . I came back and had to clean up this vomit with some type of vomit clean up kit , which didn 't work that well . I spent so much time cleaning up this mess , I think I need a raise ! ! ! I don 't know what I am going to do when Brody gets sick . Kaden has a fundo so he can 't throw up ( which makes me feel horrible for him when he is sick ) . So that was the " highlight " of my day . I am so glad I get to come home to Kaden , he always makes everything better , especially on days like today . How could he not . . . look at him . Now I just hope that we don 't get sick . I can not breathe ! ! ! Seriously , this little man is making me so uncomfortable and I still have 7 weeks left . I don 't know what I am going to do . Yesterday I couldn 't do much because I would do something and then spend forever trying to get air to my lungs . Then I couldn 't sleep last night because it felt like I couldn 't catch a breath . I actually called my Dr . 's nurse and she probably thought I was crazy . I just wanted to make sure that it was normal because I couldn 't remember going through the whole breathing issues with Kaden or Ava . She said with how I am carrying that Brody is probably just pushing up on my diaphragm . Thanks kiddo . My mom and I were talking last night about how big Brody will probably be . We were comparing my stomach as of now to my stomach with Ava around the same time frame . I am way bigger with Brody then I was with Ava . I will be very surprised if this baby is not as big as Kaden . I don 't know what I am going to do the last four weeks when he gains , what . . . 1 / 2 lb a week . UGH . Today I had to run to Wal - Mart . The cashier was asking me about my pregnancy and asked if it was my first . I told her no , that I had two others . As we were talking about everything , she then asked " their ages . " I told her Kaden 's and then hesitated for a second and told her about Ava . She looked very sorry that she asked , but continued by wishing me luck with this pregnancy . I have told myself that I want to include Ava in conversations about my kids , but when it comes time it is so hard because I don 't know the reaction I am going to get and I really do not want to feel like I am putting people on the spot , but how else am I going to keep her memory alive ? ? ? On another note : I took my Christmas tree down yesterday . I typically leave it up until after New Year 's but just felt the need to take it down yesterday . I am glad I got it out of the way ! ! ! I hope everyone enjoys their New Year 's ! ! ! ! Have a safe and happy one ! ! ! These are , of course , some photos from Christmas . Kaden was really excited about Santa coming to the house and continues to talk about him . One of the videos is of Kaden in the car . We were driving to Nate 's hometown and there are some serious hills out there , the type that make your stomach leap out of your body . Kaden loves going down these hills as you can probably tell in the video . The other video is of Kaden enjoying a group singing Christmas music after visiting Santa Claus . While I am at it , I have a couple of cute stories to share from today . The first one . . . Kaden was going through some of his new toys and signing who gave them to him . . . Santa , mommy and daddy , etc . Kaden got a gift from angel Ava . He picked it up and signed " sister " and then looked up to Heaven and signed " thank you . " It was way too sweet . Then I was reading him Horton Hears A Who . I read one line that says something like " too small to be seen by an elephant 's eyes " but read it as " elephant 's eye " and turned the page . Kaden turned the page back and pointed to the " s " in eyes . What a smartie pants ! ! ! Well , I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas . Now that it took me FOREVER to download these videos I think I am going to go to bed . We would like to wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS . Kaden made out , he must have been a REALLY good boy this year ! ! ! He woke up at about 7 : 15 and seemed excited that Santa came but was a little on the tired side so whined a little when he had to use too much effort to open up his gifts this morning . Once he got to grandpa and grandma 's he was more into it . Now I have to figure out where we are going to put everything ! ! ! ! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful Christmas ! ! ! Please keep Carson and Kaci over at My Three Sons in your prayers . Carson has been having difficulty gaining weight due to some feeding issues and they have been trying to keep him from getting admitted into the hospital by sending him home with a NG tube ( inserted through the nose down to the stomach for feedings ) . However , they are having a hard time with Carson pulling it out and when mom tries to put it back in he goes limp . So far this week I think they have been to the ER twice ( and it is only Tuesday ) . . . this time hoping that they do not get admitted . It is really hard to be in the hospital with a child on any special occasion , especially Christmas . Please visit their site ( on my side bar ) and let them know that you are thinking and praying for them during this tough time . Kaci , if you need anything . . . call me ! ! ! I hope things get better and they can figure out what is going on with Carson . We are thinking about you and keeping you in our prayers . Mr . Carson . . . I just wanted to ask you all to visit Kayleigh Anne 's blog ( the button on the side bar ) . She was born very prematurely and has been in the hospital for a long period of time . She is battling pneumonia , which was very close to taking her life , but with continous prays she seems to be healing . Her mother and father put a button on their site for donations as they are struggling financially while trying to be there for Kayleigh while she is in the hospital . They also have two other children at home . We have been there and know of the struggles they are going through . I know not everybody can help financial , but even your moral support and prayers will help them . Please read their blog to find out more about this precious little girl and while you are there , leave a comment for the family . Thank you so much . I tried to post last night and after I had finished my post my Internet stopped working . Talk about driving somebody up the wall . Well , basically I talked about Kaden 's trip to see Santa . He did alright , considering that Santa sat right across from the book store in the mall . Kaden did sit on Santa 's lap , after I picked him up from the floor and put him there . He signed what he wanted and signed " thank you . " Santa 's helper asked Kaden to show Santa how to sign " Merry Christmas . " Mommy helped Kaden , but he did it as well as showing him how to sign " Santa Claus . " Santa seemed to get a kick out of it . We also stopped in an area in the mall where a band was playing Christmas music . Kaden got right in front of the stage and danced his little bootie off . Everyone around looked as though they were enjoying the entertainment provided by the one and only MR . KADEN ! ! ! ! We got about 3 or so inches of snow yesterday . It is very pretty , but is driving me crazy with how messy it makes everything . Last , I have decided to post a picture of my continous growing bump . I will post other pictures as soon as I get them downloaded on the computer . I have become a little lazy with that part of it all . The only reason I can post these picture is because somebody sent it to me . Kaden 's first visit with Santa this year . Please do not forget to light your candles tomorrow from 7pm to 8pm to remember the life of our precious little Ava and all of the other little angels taken from their families too soon . Thank you . Ava Rae BoeckmanJanuary 31 , 2008 - May 7 , 2008Baby girl , We miss you every day . Yesterday mommy , daddy and Kaden decorated your grave site for Christmas . I hope you like it . Kaden picked out " How The Grinch Stole Christmas " to read to you . I don 't know how much reading he actually did , but he did show you the pictures . We talk about you and think about you all of the time . I bought you your Christmas ornament . I was looking for a beautiful butterfly , but couldn 't find one so I got you a barbie ballerina ornament . I thought that you would like it . Kaden thought so as well . He got a grinch ornament . We have many ornaments on our tree for you . I wish that you could be here with us on Christmas morning . As I shop for presents there are a ton of things I pass by wondering if you would like them . I wish that I could take you with us tomorrow when we go visit Santa , and see you on his lap with Kaden . I could picture your face now , looking up at him wondering who the heck he is , in a pretty and girly holiday dress with little bows in your hair . I know that you are in a good place and that you are not feeling pain which makes me feel selfish wishing you were here instead . I miss you so much . You are always in my thoughts and in my heart . I love you so much . I do feel so lucky to have such a special little angel watching over us and protecting us . You were so beautiful when you were here with us , I couldn 't even imagine how much more your beauty has grown since you 've gained your wings . I am sure you are absoulutely gorgeous up there in Heaven . Well , good night baby girl . I love you . Hugs and kisses forever . Love always and forever , mommy , daddy , Kaden and baby Brody Today I had my three hour glucose test and it came back . . . normal ! ! ! It was a pretty boring three hours but it did go by faster then I thought it would . After the second blood test the lab tech said I could leave for 45 minutes and come back for the next blood sample . I went out to my car and it would not start . . . darn me , I forgot to turn off my lights . Nate 's friend came by and jumped it for me . . . thanks again Ryan . I also got a call from Kaden 's medical supply company saying that his medicaid insurance is no longer valid . What great timing since I really had all the time in the world to call around to figure this out . However , I didn 't get ahold of the person who could help me . How frustrating ! ! ! So tomorrow I will continue my phone calls until I can get this resolved . So the good news is , is that I do not have gestational diabetes , oh , and I got a " promotion " at work ! ! ! I received something in the mail the other day and then read about the same thing in the newspaper yesterday . Compassionate Friends ( an organization that provides support for bereaved parents ) is sponsoring a world wide candle lighting . This candle lighting is a ceremony to remember children who have passed away . It is held on December 14th ( which I believe is on a Sunday ) at 7 : 00pm for each time zone . This is to cause kind of a wave of lighting around the world for 24 hours . Please take part in remembering Ava along with the other beautiful children who have lost their lives . Another thing that I will make a tradition is the lighting of a candle on special events such as holidays to represent Ava celebrating with us . I hope this will make it easier for our family to remember that although we can not see or touch her that she is still with us . Remember to light your candle on Dec . 14th 7 : 00pm to help remember little angels like our precious Ava . Angel AvaAngel GabiAngel ElliAngel BrodyAngel Mariah BoeckmanAngel Madison RiceAngel Jack Eickholtand the many , many more little angels that families are missing every day . If you would like , you can send me a picture of your candle and I will try to use the pictures to make something special . Thanks . * Sorry , I could not figure out how to make the pictures all the same size . Today Kaden had a doctor appt for his regular vent check . He is doing very well and continues to impress the doctor as well as all the others there who know him . I explained to him this morning that he was going to the hospital and he immediately signed " hurt " and pointed to his leg where he got a previous shot . I told him that I didn 't thing that he would get a shot today ( which ended up being a lie , well kind of . . . he had blood drawn ) . The last 4 hospital visits he has been poked , so I don 't blame him for being worried . Kaden showed off all his new talents that the doctor hasn 't seen too much of . He showed her how well he walks now , how he can spell , and his cute personality . He got many , many laughs and " awe 's " today , just being his goofy self . The doctor and nurse walked us to our next appt , which was with Pre - admissions testing . When they were leaving Kaden signed " thanks for playing " to them ( silly boy ) . During the pre - admissions we found out that they are going to wait to do the bronch because they do not feel comfortable putting him under after being sick and still having a cough . Then Kaden 's doctor came back and took him up to the NICU to visit some staff that had taken care of him while there . It was so fun to see Kaden walking around from office to office and seeing the faces on everyone . That has been one thing Nate and I have always wanted , having Kaden walk into the NICU . I can 't explain why , it has just been a little dream of ours for him . He got a little shy when a group of nurses came to see him . . . although I think it is because he had a crush on one of the nurses and her hair ( he has a thing for curly hair , what can I say ) . A cute story before I log off . Last night Nate and I were talking to Kaden about his baby brother before going to bed . Nate asked him what he was going to do when his baby brother came . Kaden then signed " baby , cry . " Me : Yes babies cry , what can you do when the baby cries ? Kaden signs : play toys , books , share . Me : That is so nice that you are going to share your things with BrodPosted by So today I had my glucose test . I have to go back for the 3 hour test next week . How fun ? ? ? I am really nervous because the number was pretty high , and at the time I hadn 't eaten for the day . I read about gestational diabetes on the internet just a little bit ago and it has made me very nervous . I don 't know why for sure , I know there are many women that get it . I guess , just with everything we have been through with Kaden and Ava and then to put this on Brody as well as myself just scares me . I don 't know for sure what to expect , just some of the things I have read bother me . Who knows , maybe it will be nothing when I go back for this lovely testing . I guess I need to change my eating habits anyway . Lately I have been craving sugar and unfortunately I have plenty of it in my house . I really need to say bye to it all , starting today . Man , that means I need to go grocery shopping for something I can munch on besides apples . They may get old really fast . Maybe if I start now , it will help me get back to my girlish figure faster : ) , yeah right . The doctor also talked about the size of Brody ( this was before the results of my test ) . He said that they will keep an eye on things but that they may have to induce because he seems to be such a big baby . I wouldn 't mind having him a little early , myself ! ! ! Here are a few pictures Kaden 's teacher sent me of him enjoying school . What a big boy ! ! ! He is so amazing , I can not get enough of him . He is doing better , still has a cough with a little raspiness behind it . He has an appt on Friday and was suppose to have a bronch done on Monday . They will let us know on Friday if they will continue with that or not . The antibiotic that he is on has given him diarrea . . . something that I have waken up to the past couple of mornings . It is not the greatest thing to clean up especially when everyone is still wanting to sleep . I started coating his little bottom with aquaphor tonight in hopes of keeping it from breaking down . We have definitely been there , done that ( while in the NICU ) and let me tell you it was one of the worse things for him ( that is saying a lot with all that he has been through ) . Every time he would wet or dirty his diaper he would clamp down and his O2 sats would drop as well as heart rate sometimes . It was just horrible and nothing would work . Once we got home it cleared up pretty fast . I have never really understood why , because even in the NICU I would change his diaper anytime it needed it . Ok , this is going into too much detail , so I will just let you know that Kaden seems to be doing a better . Pictures of Kaden at school Kaden made a trip to the ER today . The past few days we have been suctioning him a lot more then usual . . . especially at night . Thursday night , Kaden and I were awake every hour through the night because the poor guy continously coughed and then needed suctioned because he had so much mucuos . I would say we didn 't go through one hour without at least five passes with the suction cathedar . Then last night he started running a low fever , however Tylenol seemed to fix that . He was so tired but wanted so bad to stay awake and involved with the activities . Once I got him on my lap , he was out like a light . So , when we woke up today ( at 10 : 00am which was great after getting up through the night with him ) he was running a slight fever again . I got us ready and called my dad to have him help bring Kaden to the ER since Nate was at work . I wanted them to check to see if he had bronchitis or pneumonia . Kaden was not impressed that we were at the hospital . He did not want to be touched or bothered . He got a breathing treatment , that we will be doing at home for a while , then he got chest x - rays done . He was a really big boy with this . He got to stand up to do them , instead of laying down and grandpa got him to say cheese . He thought he was taking a picture . When the results came back the doctor said that " it was not quite pnuemonia . " OK ? ? ? but wanted to give him a shot of what I believe was some type of antibiotic for pneumonia to stay ahead of it . And what better place to get a shot then in the butt ? ? ? Kaden of course had to be held down and the needle still came out and had to go right back in . The nurse said that this shot really stings and is painful for a little bit . However , Kaden really didn 't cry much , he just clenched down , I don 't know if that was because he was worn out or what . He did want mommy though and held on for dear life . Before holding him , the nurse mentioned the word band - aid and put it on him . Have I ever mentioned how much this child HATES band - aids ? Kaden cried worse with this then he did with the shoPosted by I guess it is my turn to come down with something . Lucky me . Last night I went to bed at 9 : 30 , that is WAY early for me , I even left dishes in the sink . . . which by the way drove me nuts this morning . I woke up and had a horrible headache and was just very tired . Now , my throat is feeling sore . I just hope that is the end of it , that no other symptoms come along . I also hope that I can keep Kaden from getting it . He has a surgery coming up and if he gets sick they will have to post - pone it and I am ready to get it done with . Quick cute story . Today Kaden 's class made stone soup . I sent a can of corn with him to put in the soup . I guess the teacher opened the can and asked Kaden to " put the corn in the soup . " He did . The can and everything . I guess next time she will have to tell him to pour the corn in the soup ! ! ! Silly guy . I love you buddy , you crack me up . Today , as I was driving home for lunch I tried to call Nate . He didn 't charge his phone last night , so it went straight to voicemail . I then got this really panicked feeling and begin to immediately think of the day that Ava passed away . I began to replay the events in my mind and it all started with me trying to call Nate and I couldn 't get a hold of him so I called dispatch and I remember them asking me if everything was alright . I said " yes , " through my crying and remember telling them that it was very important . I don 't know if it is the upcoming holidays that brought this on or just something that will occasionally happen to me for the rest of my life . It really tugged on my heart , it just seemed so real again . I remember going out into the waiting room to call Nate because I was upset that they were going to reintubate her ( put her back on the vent ) , that is when I couldn 't get a hold of him . After I talked to him , I remember sitting there waiting to be able to go back in her room and then the chaplain came out . Even writing about it right now is making me lose my breath . I remember thinking that the nurses called for her just because I was so upset about the ventilator . Then someone else came out and told me that things were not looking good and asked if there was someone they could call . We went into a private room and they began to call Nate and my dad . Then someone came and got me saying that I needed to go to her room because they didn 't think she was going to make it . I remember standing by her bed watching the doctor do CPR and not being able to breathe . They told me to sit down and I just sat there crying . Then the doctor talked to me and the next thing I know is they put her in my arms and used the bag to breathe for her a couple of times and then disconnected it . I remember feeling so bad for her , so bad for Nate that he had to drive up there knowing all this was going on and not being able to be by her side . I remember having the chaplain call him and let him know that she did not make it . I remePosted by You almost drove me crazy . Today I decided to put up the tree . A few years ago I bought a pre - lit tree , the best thing next to slice bread , well so I thought until I put it up today . I plugged it in and 2 / 3 of the lights did not work . So Nate went through to look at each bulb and see if any looked burnt out ( thanks babe ) . Poor guy had to look through the lights while still on the tree since we couldn 't take them off . What a task , however one that was not a success . I decided to do the easy thing and go to the store to buy a couple strands of lights and just put them up on the tree for now . I get home plug the first set in , didn 't work , second set , didn 't work either . You have got to be kidding me ! ! ! I was so frustrated at this point I wanted to through everything out of the window . My grandma had extra strands of lights and let me use a couple . SOOOO , after 4 hours we have a decorated tree with working lights . Well , kind of . Today was the day we had to give " Gray " back . For those of you who may not know , Gray is a device Kaden used to communicate . . . aka a Lightwriter . We had a group of people here today interested to see what else there was out there that might better benefit Mr . Kaden . We also had a rep from the company Dynavox and a person who works at the " loaning " company from which we are borrowing these items . They both brought some goodies , which Kaden called " Gray 's family , " . . . no lie . He is so stinken smart and creative ( this is the kid who named a one eye cat stuffed animal " One Eye Elephant " . We are borrowing / checking out , however you want to look at it , something similar to the lightwriter . It is a little bigger but does basically the same thing . I am so glad that we decided to look before we bought . I know exactly what I want Kaden to have . It is AWESOME . I don 't know what it is called right now , and I am too lazy to get up to look . But anyway , it is a touch screen ( I know that is a very technical name ) , and has different " pages " he can go into , touch button after button ( these buttons have pictures and words on them ) and make a sentence . For instance , he could push 5 different buttons to create " I want to eat candy , " instead of typing it all out . It also has a keyboard so he could type out something if he wanted to ( saying that he is really about that right now ) . It is a small device for all that it can do . It is a computer and you can actually go onto the Internet with it . Ok . . . this is kind of gross but it also has a button with a guy on it and air coming from his butt . The word on it . . . Fart . I know , I know . But what four year old boy doesn 't say fart . So Kaden pushed that button and it sounded like , well a fart . It got everyone laughing so he kept doing it . Nate finally had to pull it away or one of us would have peed our pants . This thing does so much and would grow with Kaden . It has programs for really young ones ( the reason for the fart button , I guess ) , then goes to young ones , teenagers , and then adPosted by So , today started off like any normal day would . However , it soon changed . I had one of my younger client 's this afternoon . We decided that we were going to paint , so I got out the supplies and began to squeeze paint from tubes / bottles into a " paint tray . " Things didn 't turn out so well . I started squeezing red paint , yes RED paint onto the tray , oh I want to add this is not WASHABLE paint . Next thing I know the stupid things top popped off ( a top that is NOT suppose to pop off ) and I had red paint ALL OVER ME . I was wearing my favorite maternity sweater and one of the few pairs of jeans that fit me that I actually like . Oh and my shoes , my poor shoes . Lets just put it this way . . . my new favorite outfit quickly turned into my red spotted outfit . I did have a shirt on under my sweater , so I took my sweater off and tried to wash it out in the bathroom sink . It didn 't work too well so I sent it to my mom 's so I could continue working in hopes that she can work some magic . I was SO frustrated that I was trying hard not to cry ( something that comes pretty natural when I am frustrated ) . Once I got home it got better . . . of course , Kaden lives here . Nate and I decided to play hide and seek with Kaden . I believe this is his first true game of it . He had a ball and kept signing " more . " I had to finally explain to him that it was bedtime and that we could play more tomorrow . He was so funny , he definitely couldn 't stay quiet in his hiding spot . At one point Nate hid him in his " babies " ( aka stuffed animals ) toy box ( yes he has three toy boxes ) . I saw him swinging his arms and looked in another one of his toy boxes saying aloud " Kaden are you in the toy box ? " He signed " baby " , like " no mom , I am in the baby box . " It was pretty cute , but probably something you had to be here for . So tomorrow we will be saying bye - bye to " gray . " This is Kaden 's lightwriter , yes HE has a name and gender : ) . To let everyone know , because we have gotten some questions about it , we have decided to look at more options to be sure there isn 't anythingPosted by Here is Kaden 's school picture . I am really happy with how it turned out . He is such a handsome little man , if I do say so myself . Mommy , Daddy and angel Ava love you big guy . Keep up all the hard work . You are becoming such a big boy ! ! ! Kaden started his first offical day of pre - k classes . He did well , although he DID NOT want to get up this morning . It made me laugh , I was trying to wake him up and he just kept shaking his " no " with his eyes still closed . What a grown up little man I have , just like most boys who do not want to wake up to go to school . Once we got there he was a little quiet for Kaden but I heard he got into the groove of things pretty fast . Many of his new friends had drawn him pictures on their free time . One little girl even went to the lengths of drawing a picture and folding it , putting it in an envelope and sticking it in his bookbag for him to find when he got home . Ooooh , Kaden 's got a girlfriend ( already ) ! ! ! I guess it is alright , since this year he hasn 't really had a focus on one girl , not like last year ! ! ! He fit right in and I think everyone ( teachers that is ) seem more comfortable with things . I am so proud of him . It is amazing to think that he just keeps getting older and older , kind of sad too . I did make it out of there this morning without crying , however , I was holding back the tears hardcore . He was very happy to see Nate and I when we picked him up and very eager to show us how he marched in class today . . . to cute , really ! ! ! ! My baby is growing up and won 't slow down . My cousin , her husband and their twin baby girls came down to visit . I was excited to see how Kaden would react to two babies . He seemed a little in awe at first , but for the rest of the day didn 't seem to think twice about it . However , lately he has become mommy 's little helper and today was no exception . I was trying to help my cousin out and change one of the girls ' diaper as the other one was fussing because she was hungry . Kaden came to the rescue : ) . He gave mommy a diaper and the wipes and then signed " mommy , help ? " Of course I let him , I have to get him prepared for Brody , ok , I am totally kidding , but I did let him help . He opened the diaper for me as I lifted her legs and I told him to put it under her . He did , it just ended up upside down , so I fixed it a little . He wanted to use the baby wipe on her , so I let him . He then fastened her diaper , again with mommy 's help and then helped me dress her . It was very cute and heartwarming to watch him be such a great big helper . He did such a great job . I again swelled up with pride . What 's not to be proud of ? ? ? I have a the best little guy in my life . Well , here comes the boo - boo part . Today I bought Kaden a potty seat that goes on top of the regular toilet ( his bottom is getting a little too big for his own potty , and that is not saying much , because this little guy does not have a butt ) . I put him on the toilet ( which he has done many times at grandpa and grandma 's house ) and told him to sit there while I had to run into the kitchen real quick . Before I know it I hear a " boom " and I ask Kaden what he is doing as I am walking back to the bathroom . I then hear him cry . I walked in and he is on the floor crying his eyes out , his pants stuck inbetween the toilet seat and the toilet itself . I sit on the floor with him trying to comfort him ( remember , I can 't pick him up although I really wanted to ) . I noticed a big red mark from his hairline to his eyebrow . I asked him where he hurts and he pointed to that area ( duh mom ) . I asked him what happened but he either cPosted by Here are pictures of Mr . Brody . In the second picture , if you look closely you can see his smile ( or cry ) . Can babies cry at this point ? ? ? Just curious if any of you know . Today I had my appt . It went very well . Everything still looks great with Brody ! ! ! He did however , change positions from being head down to being sideways . I did get some pretty good 3 - D pictures , but will post them tomorrow . There is one where we thought he looked like he was smiling . The picture didn 't turn out as well with that one , but if you look closely you will see it . Like I thought , he is going to be a big boy . Right now he is measuring about 2 1 / 2 weeks bigger then a baby at his gestation ( does that make sense ? ? ? ) . It was really good to be reassured that everything still looks great ! ! ! When we got back , we went to pick Kaden up from school . There was a meeting today about Kaden going into pre - k ( I know , I know , but there have been some difficulties and he hasn 't started yet ) . So he is now going to start this Monday . I am nervous for him . I don 't know how to explain my feelings about this whole situation , as it has been very draining emotionally . I know that sounds dramatic , but it just goes back to wanting everyone to realize that Kaden is a typical 4 year old boy . I am glad that his early childhood teacher was able to advocate for him as well . We will miss her and the paras so much . When starting this whole school thing , I was really nervous for Kaden , not because he was going to be in school , but for how he would feel about it . The teacher and paras made me feel like Kaden was welcomed , just like any other child in that school . I actually felt like he was ( and is ) really loved in that class . This transition has made me feel differently then when he started the early childhood program . It really makes me nervous because this program is in the same school as the early childhood program . How will getting him in to Kindergarten next be ? ? ? I know that it is a new experience for those involved , but geez . I don 't want to get too into it because I could go on and on forever . I just hope that once Kaden starts everyone will realize that it is not as big of deal as it has been made out to be . I try to understandPosted by Mommy is done picking up Kaden until after Brody is born . I feel horrible about it , but it was confirmed yesterday by my doctor that I do have an umbilical hernia . GO FIGURE ! ! ! I really think it was from picking up my big boy . One day I was picking him up to put him in his booster seat and I got a horrible pain near my belly button . I think I even told who was ever with me at the time , that I think I just gave myself a hernia , joking around . Well , for a couple of days I had really sharp random pains near it . I ended up calling my doctor 's nurse who believed it was just pains from pregnancy . Well , a few days later I noticed a semi - large lump next to my belly button . Nate seemed about as grossed out as if I were showing him guts coming out of my nose or something . I started wondering what it could be and decided that it was probably a hernia . It is painful , not a sharp pain , but an annoying pain that won 't go away . When the doctor was checking it out , I thought I was going to pass out . . . it hurt so bad , but he did say that it was a hernia . There is nothing we really can do for it now as long as it doesn 't pose any danger , since I am pregnant . I just pray that it doesn 't do anything that will end up with me needing surgery right now . That is the last thing I need . So , that leads me to my story today . I don 't know what was going on with Kaden , but he was not my happy , go lucky Kaden today . I came home from work to bring him to school . He did not want to go to school , and had a major melt - down ( for Kaden ) . After making our way outside to the car , he started crying and went limp , then sat on the ground ( I think it is because he wanted mommy to pick him up and carry him to the car and I wouldn 't ) . I finally picked him up ( yeah , I know , I already heard it from Nate ) to put him in his booster seat . He was quiet and looked so sad all the way to school , it broke my heart . Well , we get to school , I get him out of the car and he does it again . He kept shaking his head " no " and signing " school " although he couldn 't tell me why . Posted by Today we took Kaden to get his flu shot . I have heard lots of stories that you should tell you children why they are going to see the doctor . I don 't know yet how much I agree with it , as it seems to put the fear in them . BUT . . . today we let him know that he was going to get one shot and that it will probably hurt but only for a little bit . He kind of gave us that look like " um , ok I guess , what else do you want me to say . " When we got to the hospital Nate dropped us off at the door and went to park the car . The nurse and I were holding Kaden 's hands . For a moment we almost had to drag him into the hospital and he was protesting the whole way , telling everyone off that he spotted . He stopped and then signed " grumpy . " I asked him if he was grumpy because he was going to get a shot and he signed " yes . " I almost wanted to take him back to the car and go home . I explained to him that the shot is to help him from getting really sick and that we all had to get one . So anyway , we get to the office , which was packed by the way , and there was a little girl in there whose mother must have " warned " her as well because she was having a fit . I even heard her tell her mom that she didn 't love her anymore ( Kaden did say that he still loves me ! ! ! ) . Well , Kaden pointed to her and signed " grumpy . " Yep bubby she is grumpy too . He did fine until we had to go into the room . He even did pretty good getting the shot . I could tell that he was trying so hard not to cry , but he jerked back and bumped his head . So I think that in combination with the shot , brought on the waterworks ( don 't forget the band - aid , he hates those things ) . Tonight , before Kaden was going to bed we were reading " Love You Forever . " There is a part in the story that says the mother was " very old , and sick . " He then pointed to himself and his leg where he got the shot . ( remember , earlier in the day I explained to him that the shot is to keep him from getting really sick . ) I asked him if he was sick and he signed " yes . " There I go , confusing my little guy . I had to telPosted by As many of you know , Kaden won a new bedroom set . It all started with 5 Minutes For Mom . Well , they are at it again . . . giving away gifts for the holidays . If you are interested in winning gifts for yourself or your children go to the link and check it out . They have also started a new program called " under the tree . " Here , you can nominate a family you feel is in need of help this Christmas . It is such a wonderful way to spread the cheer during this season . Please check it out , especially if you know a family that might need help . I will be trying to add buttons that will take you straight to the posts later . At this time I can not figure it out . In the meantime , just click on the link above . On another note I was very close to putting up the Christmas tree today . I normally put it up a little on the early side , but never this early . I was a little bored and asked Kaden if he wanted to put up the tree . He signed " yes " but I ended up deciding to wait a little longer . . I don 't want others to think that I am crazy . I love this time of year and it keeps getting better as Kaden keeps getting older . His understanding of Santa and how great it is to open gifts is so much fun to watch . However , this year will be more bitter / sweet . I love seeing the excitement in Kaden when he talks about Santa , but at the same time I realize that we will not have Ava here to share in that excitement . It is getting more and more difficult to accept that she is not here during these holidays . I didn 't get to dress her up for her first Halloween . She will not be tasting her first Thanksgiving dinner with us ( or making a mess with it ) , she won 't be sitting with us around the tree her first Christmas morning . . . and she will not have the chance to dig into her cake on her first birthday . It is hard to realize how much we have missed already with her . With that being said . . . I am thankful that I got to hold her that first time ( and every single time after that ) , give her her first kiss . Give her her first bath , change that first diaper . See her fiPosted by Mommy and daddy posing with our Mickey Mouse . ( Halloween night ) Daddy walking with Kaden after getting more candy . ( Halloween night ) Kaden enjoying a laffy taffy . ( Boo in the Zoo ) Kaden at his Halloween party . ( At school ) Kaden trying on cousin Miles ' Hulk mask . ( Boo in the Zoo ) Aunt Melanie and The Hulk ( aka Miles ) . ( Boo in the Zoo ) Daddy trying to convience Kaden that the clown they see is a good clown . Kaden wasn 't too sure about him . The clown had to disapear to get Kaden to keep walking . He must not have been as cute as daddy when daddy was wearing a clown mask not too long ago ! ! ! ( Boo in the zoo ) HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO EVERYONE ! ! ! I hope everyone had a safe Halloween and got lots and lots of candy . We took Kaden out trick or treating tonight . He was excited initially to get CANDY ! ! ! He was too cute going up to the doors . He would sign " thank you " to everyone and often signed " Happy Halloween . " He made a very cute Mickey Mouse . Halfway through he was ready to go home . He seemed really tired , but once we got home he had to go through each and every piece of candy he got tonight . Unfortunately it is his turn to be out of sorts . He is starting to come down with something , but hopefully it is nothing too serious . . . probably just a cold . He has a runny nose , cough and so much secretions . I feel horrible for him . Last night we were up about four times , each one lasting about 30 minutes to an hour . He was wreching and need constant suctioning . Poor guy . I hope that it doesn 't last too long . Good news is , is that he doesn 't have a fever right now and he is still pretty happy and seems to be tolerating whatever it is . Today Ava would be 9 months old . It is almost unreal to me . I wonder what she would be doing now ? ? ? Crawling , babbling , eating baby food ? ? ? I think about how her and Kaden would get along , if Kaden would be the big brother that she looked up to , if she would be the little sister that wouldn 't leave Kaden alone . We miss her so much . We have too really BIG pictures of Ava that are in the hallway right now . Every time we leave , Kaden will walk up to the pictures and say " bye " to them , and before bed he wants to give them kisses . Man , I love my kids . So anyway , tonight as I was pushing an empty stroller ( because Kaden wanted to walk for awhile ) it made me think of how my pretty girl , Ava , would be sitting in it , in probably the most girly costume I could find . From there my mind changed gears to how next year Brody Jace will be sitting in the stroller . That 's right , I think we have a middle name . After seeing it typed out though , I am not sure if I like the spelling . We will see . So anyway , this little guy is Posted by I saw this tag on Sam and Bill 's Bunch and thought it was very cute and definitely different . So now it 's my turn . . . This is my HANDSOME husband1 . Full Name : I rather not put his full name , but his real name is Nathan ( which his family goes by ) I call him Nate as well as a lot of his friends . 2 . How long have we been married : Just over two years . . . just celebrated our second anniversary . 3 . How long did we date : 4 years4 . Who eats the sweets : depends on what they are . . . Nate loves ice cream as well as oatmeal cream pies . 5 . Who said I love you first : that would be Nate . I actually didn 't say it back right away ( I felt it , but wanted to make sure , that is kind of mean when I think about it ) . 6 . Who 's Taller : Nate . . . we are both tall but he is about 5 inches taller then me . He is 6 ' 3 " , I am 5 ' 10 " 7 . Who sings better : That 's funny . . . I would say I sing better but that is not saying much . I can 't sing , so just imagine how great he can ! ! ! 8 . Who is smarter : depends on what you are asking . 9 . Who does the laundry : pretty much . . . ME , but I won 't do his hunting clothes . 10 . Who pays the bills : Nate11 . Who sleeps on the right side of the bed : NOBODY . . . since Kaden is in our bed , we all sleep sideways . We have a king size and Kaden sleeps by the headboard so we can make sure that his tubing doesn 't get under us , I sleep in the middle , and Nate sleeps by the footboard . I know , it is a site to see ! ! ! 12 . Who mows the lawn : Nate , I hate the smell of cut grass and gasoline . 13 . Who cooks dinner : most of the time I do , unless I work really late then Nate does . 14 . Who drives : Both of us . . . Nate can easily fall asleep behind the wheel when he is tired . . . I don 't understand it . 15 . Who admits they are wrong : are you crazy . . . neither one of us . . . we are both hard headed 16 . Who asked who out first : We just hung out as a big group for awhile , but Nate did end up asking me " what I want ( ed ) " and that he wanted to be with me . . . How cute ! ! ! 17 . Who wears the pants : I guess we both do , although I tend to get a little upset when I don 't get my way ( according to Posted by and the winner of the wonderful new bedroom set is . . . Thank you guys so much for your votes and for spreading the word for others to vote for Kaden . We are so overwhelmed at how many votes Kaden received , but feel very blessed to have each and every one of them . We have so many great people in our lives who offer us so much support ( I am not just talking about all of the votes either ) . I just hope that we can do the same for others , make other 's feel as lucky as our family feels , as loved , as thought of . The outpour of love for Kaden and Angel Ava touches my heart to no end . I KNOW how special these babies are , how much they impact ME , but it is heartwarming to know that they do the same for so many others . Thank you guys again for EVERYTHING ! ! ! By the way . . . keep an eye out for pictures of Kaden in his new bed ! ! ! So this morning , I dropped Kaden off for his " trial run " in the pre - k class . He seemed very excited . Since he has already met the class , they knew his name and face so it wasn 't too big of a deal . He took a seat and seem to have no fears . He gave me a kiss and even got too distracted to wave bye to me . . . so I had to sneek in one more kiss . As I was leaving , I stopped to talk to his early childhood teacher about what time I should pick him up . I , of course , started crying . I don 't know why , exactly . I know a lot has to do with emotions and I would say part of it has to do with hormones : ) . So anyway , then I go to work to find out my client cancelled for this morning so I come home . Now I am lost . I don 't know what to do . I decided to go get a building permit for this house we are suppose to be building . . . when ? ? ? , I don 't know , but hopefully soon . Nate keeps saying that he wants it started this week , but I don 't see that happening . Anyway , then maybe I 'll go to Wal - Mart to get the rest of the halloween stuff for Kaden 's school party . Hopefully that will keep me busy until noonish . ( sigh ) I always thought it would be nice to have time to myself , but now that I have it , I am not sure I want it . . . yet . I just have been thinking about how lucky I am to experience the greatest love that there is . . . being a mommy . I can not explain how much I love my babies . I am totally head over heals for them . I try not to think about the negative all of the time , but I can not get over the fact of how difficult it is as a mommy ( or daddy ) to sit back and watch your baby ( or babies ) go through something you have no control over . I miss Ava every day . I feel that she is watching over us and helping me keep Kaden as well as Brody safe . But yet , as a mommy I want to know that Kaden is happy , that he is treated fair when I am not around . I want others to love him as much as I love him . I want them to believe in him , as much as I believe in him . He is a true gift , not only to me , but to those who open their world to him . He is the most friendly , loving boy I know . I can not get enough of his kisses or big hugs . He tells us he loves us all of the time ( by typing it on his lightwriter ) and he continues to tell us that he loves Ava and now Brody . He types " kiss " and then kisses us , or " hug " and then hugs us . He can make me smile through anything . Since everything has happened , I feel that I have become more " over - protected " of Kaden . I do not like leaving him to go to work , I don 't even like taking him to school . I don 't like the fact that I can not be there with him all of the time . I don 't know if that is because of the kind of person I am , or if it 's because of the person I have become . I wish I could put Kaden in a bubble and know that nothing will ever hurt him physically or emotionally . I know that is impossible . I know ( deep , deep down ) that it is " good " for Kaden to experience life . He deserves it , but he also deserves to be treated fairly , to be treated just like everyone else . Tomorrow , Kaden is going to be sitting in the pre - K class to see how it goes . I am excited for him , but also scared for him . He didn 't seem to excited about it tonight when we talked about it which makes me want to say " never mind , you don 't have to go toPosted by There 's a special Angel in Heaven that is a part of me . It is not where I wanted her but where God wanted her to be . She was here but just a moment like a night time shooting star . And though she is in Heaven she isn 't very far . She touched the heart of many like only an Angel can do . I would 've held her every minute if the end I only knew . So I send this special message to the Heaven up above . Please take care of my Angel and send her all my love . - Author unknown I have four wonderful , beautiful children . Three are here on earth with us , the other received her wings and is now in Heaven watching over us . I take pride in my children , they are the strongest people I have ever met . I have been blessed to be a part of their lives . I am TRULY grateful that God chose my husband and I to love these children . I have never known a greater love than a mommy 's love . THE CHOSEN ONESI had a dream the other night . It came to me so clear . I stood before the throne of God , afraid to come too near . God said to me , " I hear your prayers . There are answers you can 't find . I brought you here to talk to me and help to ease your mind . " I said , " Well , yes , God , I am upset . . . About my special one . This punishment is awfully harsh . . . Whatever have I done ? " God looked at me and shook his head , He said , " My Dear , you 've got it wrong . I sent this special child to you because you are so strong . I searched and searched to try and find someone with a love so rare . Parents so unselfish they could give him that special care . I try to save my special gifts , like those you 're speaking of , for a special kind of parents I call the ' Chosen Ones . ' Of all the ones to choose from , I know I 've got it done . . . Parents who deserve my best , an honor you have won . " - UnknownWe found this great poem on www . breuerfamily . com |
Kathie is offering me a glass of wine as if this is the most natural thing in the world . As if this is just a completely normal December 23rd . I take the offered glass , even though the current situation is so far away from normal that normal would need a street map and a really good set of directions to find us . Two hours ago , things were , indeed , normal . Jason and I were in our apartment in Lexington , trying to get our heart rates down after a nail - biter of a UK game . Today was my first day of Christmas vacation from my job as an education librarian at EKU ; we were happy , just talking and laughing , gearing up to travel to Erlanger and Fort Mitchell tomorrow morning to spend Christmas with our families . The look in Jason 's eyes changed when he heard the voice on the other end of the phone . I don 't know how to describe it ; they were just blank . He stood unblinking , and the only clue I could gather as to what could possibly be going on on the other end of that phone was this , which he kept saying over and over and over : I should have gone to him . But I found myself frozen . The back of my nose and throat began to burn and ache as if I 'd been hit in the face and the little part of my brain that was still rational piped up and told me to take a deep breath and focus because this is what shock feels like . Another phone call , and this time Jason spoke to one of his brothers . Jason is the type of person who , whenever me or his mom or anyone else he knows looks up and screams , " The sky is falling ! " , takes off his hat , glances stoically at the sky , tests the wind direction with a wet finger , and sends up a hot air balloon . When he talked to his brother , I could tell he was sending up his hot air balloons . I don 't do that ; when someone around me yells , " The sky is falling ! " , I go grab some umbrellas . Just in case . So I threw some random crap in an overnight bag and got the car keys and called my sister , who I knew would help sound the emergency alarms to my mom and dad . An hour and a half later we crunched through a crust of fresh snow into the drive of the house with the pink neon star on the roof . There 's a lot more neon now , too , as Steve adds a new piece every year . Candles . A huge Santa . A wreath . Carolers . By the time we had hit Georgetown , we knew , beyond the shadow of a doubt , that Steve had died . My sister drove over there and arrived just after the ambulance left to check on everyone and let them know that we were on our way . She called us on our emergency cell phone to tell us ; he was gone . It wasn 't a hilarious misunderstanding we would all talk about every Christmas hereafter ; it was real . We would get the full story later . Steve had come home from work and wasn 't feeling well ; he went to bed . Out in the living room , the family had gathered to watch the UK game and , later , do the annual Christmas wrapping frenzy ( I usually partook in this ; in a family that big , it 's all - hands - on - deck to get all the presents wrapped . ) When Kathie went into their bedroom to get wrapping paper and presents hidden in the closet , she could tell even by the weak light coming into the bedroom that he was dead . She said she knew immediately . I put myself in her place and I cannot imagine the horror . The paramedics suspected a sudden massive heart attack . He just . . . died . Kathie hands me a glass of wine and I look around . The house is full ; several of her sisters have come out , as well as some of Steve 's many , many siblings and in - laws . If you didn 't know any better , you 'd think this was the annual Christmas Eve party . Wine is flowing , voices are raised , plans are being made . My mind can 't wrap itself around it . Jason 's brothers and sisters are there , and we all sit there wondering the same damn thing : " Christmas has to go on , " someone says . It feels that nothing can possibly go on right now . It feels like the world should stop spinning . How can we think about Christmas at a time like this ? The crowd clears and I realize it 's so late that it 's early : it 's now Christmas Eve . I leave Jason ; he 's going with his mother tomorrow morning to the funeral home to make the arrangements . More snow has fallen and I am conscious of the slipping and sliding under my tires and of the uneartly quiet the snow has made , muffling everything but the thoughts in my own head . My sister has filled my mom in ( she was on the phone when we were still in Lexington , and since she 's the last person on the planet who doesn 't have call waiting my sister had to go tell her in person ) so she 's waiting up for me . I talk about it as much as I can and Mom makes up my old bed for me with fresh sheets and tells me I should try to sleep . I haven 't brought anything to sleep in ; my quick and dirty packing left a lot to be desired . Mom finds an old nightgown from back when I was in high school ; it 's snug and I try so very hard to quiet my mind and rest . Sleep eludes me tonight and , an eternity later , the sun is up and I hear Dad shuffling around the kitchen . And now I know why he 's up ; Mom has filled him in , and he knows Joanie is picking me up to drive me down to do a better job packing for what will now be a lengthy stay , and he feels the need to do or say something to me . Suddenly I am touched by his concern and feel like crying all over again . But I am not sure anything is left . " Here , take this . You all need money for gas , and stop and get yourself and your sister something to eat . You need to eat even if you don 't feel like it . " His eyes meet mine , and I know Mom has told him everything . About how our finances are hanging on threads and we couldn 't even get each other anything for Christmas this year . About how my new job is barely making ends meets while Jason is still a full - time student , and about how until Jason 's student loan check comes in we can 't even afford to buy ourselves a carton of Cokes . I take his money and think about how much he 's changed . Yes , he still falls off the wagon every so often in such a spectacular fashion that it defies everything we 've ever learned about alcoholics . Once or twice a year , he slips , and from the first drink he takes to the day he 's admitted to the hospital he doesn 't draw a single sober breath . He 's getting older now , and his body can 't take that for long , so that old familiar cycle of sobriety to drunkenness to rehabiliation only lasts a few weeks . He has been near - death in an ICU more times that you would think possible . But when he 's sober , he is this surprising , wonderful person who I have finally gotten to know . A man who can be devilishly funny , and smart , and hard - working , and loving . The man who looks at me now from across the kitchen table is not the same one who made my childhood a living hell . We thought we were going to lose him for good last spring . He was diagnosed with stage I lung cancer from years of smoking . It was caught early ; it was operable ; he was told with intensive surgery and radiation , he could be one of those rare souls to beat it . And he has . But not before pulling a spectacular drunk right smack in the middle of his month of radiation . The day of his last treatment , he got carted off to the Care Unit . We could have killed him for taking such a stupid risk if he didn 't seem to be doing such a dandy job of killing himself . Jason lost a father yesterday , and the emotions I feel looking at mine , who somehow is still here , well up and I have to look away . If I cry , he will be uncomfortable , and this little moment we 're having will pass . I saw last night that when we have those moments with someone we love , we should appreciate them for the little miracles they are . You never know when that person will be gone from your life for good . It could happen , quite literally , in the blink of an eye . We aren 't huggers in my family , so we sit in silence until Joanie comes . We make the drive to Lexington and into an apartment where you can tell life suddenly stopped in its tracks : the ornament I was cross - stitching for Mom sits on the arm of the sofa with the needle just dangling from a thread ; my water glass is half - full ( half - empty ? ) on the coffee table and the TV is still on . I pack for both of us , and pick up the pieces we 've left behind , and lock up . And before I step back out into the cold I say a little prayer : I thought losing a parent was something that happened to people a lot older than us , and I thought you got a lot more advanced warning . I am shaken to my very core to know that our parents are , after all , mortal . And they can go in an instant . I 've been a very good girl in college ; funny how having a raging alcoholic parent at home will temper that whole getting - drunk - every - weekend thing that so many people I 've been away at Centre with have done . But this Christmas I am 21 , I finish up my student teaching on Wednesday , and I deserved every drop of that champagne . Damnit . " Mom , what was that red champagne you and Dad used to buy at Christmas ? " I asked my mom . This would be the first time in my life I could just waltz into a liquor store and buy some champagne ; I wanted to get something good , and I figure I can probably afford the stuff that Mom and Dad had around at even our poorest Christmases . " Cold Duck ? " she laughs , and I can practically hear her shudder on the other end of the phone . " You can probably find something better than that . That stuff was awful . We only bought it because we didn 't know any better . " But nooooo . Jason and I had just had one glass ( from a souvenir champagne glass we get every year , which we usually drink a " mocktail " out of of ) of the stuff when he went to the friend 's refrigerator where we were hiding our bright red stash and found it had been raided . Not only had someone drunk all but about one shot of the Cold Duck , someone had also taken the Keystone Amber Light he had in case the Cold Duck didn 't go down as well as we were hoping . We aren 't exactly made of money and barely scrounge enough extra for the occasional pizza or Whopper ; that someone raided our booze has made me livid . " Aren 't you going to do something ? Find out who did it ? It 's bright red ; it shouldn 't be hard to see who has it . " " I will be . " I come out of the closet , so to speak , and pour myself a drink from the bottle of Jameson ( came with its own glasses ! ) Karen bought me for Christmas . Karen 's love of all things Ireland has rubbed off on me and the whisky goes down smooth . I bought her a bottle of Bailey 's so she can Irish up her hot chocolate this winter ; neither of us are lushes , so we know we can handle the good stuff . Before long I 'm settled in watching Luke try to take down the Empire just like those pesky womp rats back home , laughing with some of my closest friends , gazing occasionally at the lights Karen has so beautifully strung around the room . I 'm totally sucked in to this movie as if I don 't know how it 's going to end and I wonder why in the world I didn 't just do this tonight in the first place . Because I wanted one last Christmas party before all the uncertainty - - that 's why . Who knows where next year will find us . Both Jason and I want to be teachers , and we both want to work in northern Kentucky so we can go back home . But who knows what will happen ? Jason wants to be a high - school choir director , and those jobs aren 't easy to come by . We 're going to apply all over the state and just see what happens . Oh , Lord , I am so not good at just seeing what happens . This time next year , Jason and I could be on different sides of the state . I 'd like to think that since we 've been together for almost 7 years that we 're in it for life at this point , but as I love to point out when I 'm trying to plant a seed , I 'm not wearing a ring yet . My roommate will be in Georgia , and so many of my other friends are spread out , too . Louisville , Lexington , northern Kentucky , Massachusetts , Alabama . This is the last holiday I 'll be spending with this crazy new family I 've made . My last four Christmases have had a predictable pattern , and I don 't need a therapist to tell me I thrive on predictability ( though one did tell me that when I went a little crazy my sophomore year . ) I dress up and go to a big party on campus ; then on Christmas Eve I go to Jason 's family party ; Christmas morning is presents and dinner with my family ; Christmas night we go to my friend Matt 's grandma 's house for cut - throat games of Rook or euchre . ( Some may think it 's odd that we hang out with Matt 's grandma , but everyone young or old who 's ever met her falls in love with her because she 's that awesome . ) During this 4 - year period my Dad has stayed sober during Christmas though he hasn 't at other times of the year . It 's been nothing short of a miracle . I am not ready for all this to end . Not knowing where I might be living this time next year has me seriously rattled . It seems like the whole fiber of who I am and what I know about myself is about ready to change . Next week I finish up student teaching and my friends start their final exams for this semester . Then Jason and I have to stick around a few extra days performing in the madrigal dinner ( " Wassail wassail , all over the town . . . " ) and then we go home . And that 's it . Half of our senior year over and done . Five months until real life . I could start to really flip out over this , but Luke is flying his X - Wing into the Death Star canyons and I 've regained enough clarity to appreciate this evening for what it is . Families are crazy and imperfect . Sometimes they 're loud , sometimes they 're obnoxious , sometimes they steal your Cold Duck . Even when they make you insane , you love them . Because you never know which Christmas is the last one where you 're all together . Tonight , I do know that this is the last one where this little family is all together . I slip out of the room for some water and to call Jason and apologize . I will spend the rest of the night with my hallmates , then go to Jason 's on - campus apartment the next night for a bologna sandwich , Grippos , and Keystone Amber Light ( he didn 't take it ALL with him to the Christmas party ) . My favorites of his fraternity brothers will be there , and it will be the best fraternity Christmas party I 've ever been to . I will also say that I am more than a little overwhelmed . There are just so many of them . I can 't even tell you the name of the person whose house we 're at right now . I know it 's one of Kathie 's sisters , but she has quite a few , and I can 't keep them all straight . Okay , first of all - - he 's making plans for me to be at future Christmas and family parties with him , and the thought makes my stomach drop . In a good way . The way you feel when you love someone very much and you know he loves you back and you realize that just might be the person you 're going to marry someday . Secondly , I secretly can 't wait to meet Steve 's family . I love Jason 's mom ; she 's funny and warm and has made me feel like a member of the family . But Steve is one of the most interesting people I 've ever met and I imagine his dozen - plus brothers and sisters ( ! ) will be just as fun . Steve is like no one I 've ever known ; he works insanely hard as a neon artist ( ! again ) but when he plays , he plays hard , too . I can 't imagine being from a family as huge as his and want to see how that all works . I can 't imagine being from a family as big as Jason 's mom 's , either , but I am almost getting used to the noise and craziness and learning everyone 's names . Almost . " So , we 're at which sister 's house ? " It turns out Holly had my name in the big gift exchange , and she got me a bottle of Poison cologne . Well , not the real thing , but she sells cologne that is supposed to smell just like the big designer brands , just for less money . It 's a pretty great gift to get from someone who is basically a complete stranger . Now I can smell just like one of the popular girls at school . I know that I drew one of Jason 's cousins , but I have no idea what I got her because I didn 't actually get her anything . Kathie said she would take care of it , and before I know it this cousin ( who , like so many of Jason 's cousins , is tall and sexy and beautiful and makes me feel like a skinny shrimp ) is gushing over my good taste and asking me how I knew to get that skirt and shirt for her in just the right size . I look over at Kathie , who is really the one with the good taste . Kathie looks gorgeous tonight , and it 's clear that she and Steve love each other very much . From everything I 've heard , Steve is a vast improvement over Jason 's dad , who is ( and I think I 'm being generous here ) a complete cad . Steve would have never walked off and left her with six kids to take care of and refuse to pay a dime in child support . Jason 's told some stories , and from what I 've heard , he 's had some Christmases that make even my poorest Christmas look like a rich man 's feast . I look at Jason , this guy who has been in my world since I was in sixth grade but who now is my world , and it hits me : as long as I have him , no Christmas can ever be that bad again . Even if Dad drinks , even if we 're poor , as long as I have him ( and his crazy - fun family ) , I can get through it . My long streak of sitting at home alone on Christmas Eve thinking about how fundamentally sad Christmas is ( our Savior was born in a barn , for crying out loud , and no matter how warm and blessed and holy it was that doesn 't erase the fact that no one could be bothered to find better accomodations for a woman in labor ) just might be over . After the big party for all of Jason 's extended family , we go to his house ( decorated for Christmas with a pink neon star on the roof ) for a smaller ( but still big for me ) party with just his siblings . He has six of them , so it 's still bigger than any gathering I 've ever had with my little family . I learn that they open all the non - Santa presents on Christmas Eve ; this is what I 've been trying to get my mom and dad to do for years now , ever since we started going to my sister 's and brother - in - law 's house on Christmas morning to watch my nephew open presents . My esteem for my new extended family goes up a notch for doing Christmas the way I 've always wanted to . Steve drinks Crown Royal while he watches Kathie open the beautiful gifts he got her ( Jason tells me that his mom cries over at least one present every year , and this year she cries over a diamond ring Steve surprised her with ) and it 's nice to see someone drink on Christmas Eve without ruining the holiday for everybody . The younger kids squeal at all the toys their older siblings got for them , and the older kids get tremendous hauls of clothing and what - nots from Kathie . Jason says she goes overboard at Christmas ; seeing how happy her family and their joy makes her , I say she 's doing it exactly right . I unwrap a beautiful watch from Jason . I know it took a lot of his Kroger bagging money to buy it for me , and the sweater I got him pales in comparison . Kathie spoils me , too , with a beautiful red silk blouse that looks exactly like me . I will wear it ( with my new almost - Poison cologne ) to my family Christmas tomorrow morning . " Did you have a good time ? " Mom asks . " Yes , " I say , and I tell her all about Kathie 's sisters and the food and the laughter and the presents . " Is he . . . " I start after I 've finished my stories . " I don 't know , " Mom says . " I still can 't tell . You know how he is ; if I accuse him of drinking now , he 'll use that as an excuse to pull a good one tomorrow and not show up at your sister 's . Don 't say anything to him and maybe we 'll get through Christmas without a fight . " We 've suspected that Dad has been drinking a little since Thanksgiving , but we don 't know for sure . Sometimes he comes home from working second shift and his eyes are a little too bright and his walk a little too uncertain , but we know from experience to just let it go . Tomorrow , I imagine , we 'll find out for sure . It has happened before on various holidays ; Mom and I go to Joanie 's early and Dad says he 'll join us after he 's gotten some sleep from working the night before . We 'll get " dinner " ( hillbilly for lunch ) just about on the table and when Mom tries to call Dad to find out where he is , he either won 't answer or he 'll answer with slurred words that he 's not coming . We 'll later find out , after hateful words are exchanged , that he spent Christmas morning watching planes land and take off out on Airport Drive while sipping from a bottle of Seagram 's 7 that he always keeps under the seat of the car . When I was little , I thought those bottles came with every new car because the very first time Dad took me out for a drive in his new Ford Fairmont he kept sipping from that bottle and it was in every car we ever had after that . No matter what , I am going to make the best of it . I start to feel some of my old familiar sadness creep in , but I 've seen how Christmas should be and I am not going to let anyone ruin it for me . I am going to wear my new blouse to my sister 's and watch my toddling nephew Kyle open his many Santa presents . When my brother - in - law takes me to go pick Jason up for dinner , I will put on a smile and act like everything at my house is normal even if it 's not , even if Dad doesn 't show up . As I get ready for bed , I can see the red light on top of the radio tower at the police station , the one I used to pretend was Rudolph 's nose on Christmas Eve . Even long after I knew better , I loved to think that that was Santa on his way to give me a good Christmas . I am sixteen years old now and way past such things , but I close my eyes and hope that Santa will bring me a peaceful Christmas morning , one where I Posted by Oh , my God ! They got me a keyboard ! I knew that 's what they were getting me so it wasn 't like a surprise or anything but I am still jumping up and down because it 's awesome . It has full - sized keys like a piano which is what I really would have liked but I know they 're super expensive . It doesn 't have as many octaves as a piano but it 's much better than the little toy keyboard they got me for my birthday last year . I was thinking this was going to be a really sad Christmas but so far it 's one of the best ones yet . My Mamaw died last year the day after my birthday and this is the first Christmas I can remember where we 're not going down home on Christmas day or the day after . We all miss her something awful , but Dad is sober and home for Christmas for the first time ever and I don 't think it 's possible to be any happier than I am right now . We almost had Dad sober last year . For the last few years , ever since the spring I was in second grade , he 's been in and out of the Care Unit getting dried out and going through the Twelve Steps only to fall off the wagon a few months later and start the process all over again . For some reason , even if he 's sober right before Christmas , he always starts drinking again around the holidays . It 's made for some really miserable Christmases . Last year he was in the Care Unit , which is basically a hospital for alcoholics and drug addicts , on Christmas . He was allowed to be picked up and brought home for about 6 hours on Christmas day to eat supper with us and open his presents before we had to drive him back . He had just gotten out of detox , so his hands shook so badly it was hard for him to enjoy eating , and he was a weird , gray color that made me worry about him . That time it was really hard for him to get healthy again ; his doctors thought they were going to have to put him in the real hospital because he had been drinking so much his throat and his liver and his kidneys and Lord knows what else were being damaged . We thought he might be scared straight that time . But no . He starteToday , though , things are great . He cooked a prime rib for us last night and watched me open my keyboard this morning and has been taking lots of pictures of me in my cool new red hat playing my keyboard . He 's laughing and eating and I so wish this was the Dad we had at home all the time . My sister and brother - in - law are coming over later and I can 't believe our whole family is going to be together at Christmas . They are building a house and it should be finished this spring . Then they 're going to start trying to have a baby . Someday I 'm going to be an aunt and they 've said they 'll have us over every Christmas morning to their new house so we can watch the baby open presents . I won 't be the baby of the family anymore , but I 'm okay with that . I 'm growing up . I 'm in 7th grade and I 've had a couple of almost - boyfriends . I am teaching myself how to play keyboard by paying attention to my favorite teacher in my chorus class and with the help of an old piano book from way back when my sister was a little girl who took piano lessons . I can even play some things by ear . My family likes to hear me play and say if I keep up learning on my own they 'll try to get enough money to pay for real piano lessons . I feel almost like an adult today . I didn 't get toys for Christmas ( unless you count the keyboard as a toy , and I do not ) ; I got clothes and cologne and a little birthstone ring . I 've been through some rough times and I 've learned to take care of myself . So it will be nice to have a baby in the family to buy toys for and to babysit and to rock to sleep . We need a kid in the family now that I 'm all grown up . It 's the only thing right now I think our family is missing . Besides my Mamaw , of course . It is sad that we won 't be going down home today or tomorrow . When we lived in Barbourville for a year when my mom and dad were separated , I spent so much time with Mamaw . I never knew how much I loved her until I practically lived with her that year . She taught me how to crochet , how to roll out dumplins and cut them and put them in a pot of boiling broth , and how to laugh even when you 're sad . I 'm reading Gone With the Wind now and she 's like Scarlett 's mother was : a Great Lady . With the capital letters . I miss her and I miss going down home , but it feels like things are changing . And not in a bad way . That part of my life , being sad and having to deal with my dad and all that on Christmas , seems like it 's over . We 're all together on Christmas day and it feels like how it 's supposed to be in " normal " families . This time next year my sister will have a nice new house we can all fit into better than our house and who knows ? She may have a little baby on the way . " One more . Without that hat on . " Dad is in my doorway with uncle John 's old Polaroid camera . He 's been dead a few years now , but we think of him every time Dad gets that camera out to take pictures of everything important that happens in the family . I take off my new red hat ( I 've decided I look really cute in hats and I always want to have one to wear when I 'm feeling fashionable ) and hit an F chord on my new keyboard and smile up at the camera . " No , I 'm sorry . I can 't afford one . Your Mamaw has a tree . You can spend the night there Christmas Eve if you want . " I sat pouting at the kitchen table in the tiny , 3 - room apartment . I could barely stand to eat my dinner , even though it was one of my favorites and one of my mom 's most simple creations : Campbell 's chicken noodle soup with a can of cream of chicken mixed in . That soup always felt like a hug from the inside . I stirred the soup and blew my too - long bangs out of my eyes and tried to keep Mom from seeing that I was almost going to cry . Pouting was one thing ; crying , when Mom was having such a hard time , too , didn 't seem fair . Nothing about the current situation seemed fair . I had gotten exactly what I thought I wanted , and we had moved to Barbourville . I wanted to get away from my dad , away from the drinking and the yelling and the cruelty he could display on a good bender . But I was 9 and I didn 't know how hard it was going to be to be on our own . Mom found an apartment she could afford , owned by a family member who gave us a great deal , but it was in a run - down building and didn 't even have its own bathroom . We hated sharing the one cramped little bathroom with two other families on the floor ; I 've never felt poorer in my entire life than when I had to wait in line with my neighbors to relieve myself and brush my teeth before bed . The apartment was a five - minute walk away from my grandma 's , and more often than not I put on my coat and walked to the trailer when nature called . That 's also where my mom and I bathed ; no way was Mom letting me spend any time in a bathtub that was cleaned solely on the honor system . I was three hours away from my friends and my sister and new brother - in - law and missed them all so much it made my stomach hurt when I thought about it too much . I didn 't fit in at my new school ; all the kids in my class had known each other forever and didn 't want to make friends with the skinny new girl who dressed and talked differently from them . To top it all off , Mom had just told me the truth about Santa . It wasn 't a surprise , but I so badly needed to believe in something that year , something bigger and more magical than a crummy apartment a long way away from the only place I 'd ever known as home . " Well , I 'm sorry , " Mom said , triple - checking the burner beneath the soup pot . The pilot light was always going out , and she had me scared to death that the apartment was going to fill with gas and blow us and the dirty bathroom next door to kingdom come . " I thought you knew Santa wasn 't real . You 're too old to believe in that , anyway , and I can 't afford to play along . We 're just going to have to make do . Now finish your soup . I have some ladies coming over to get their hair done . " Mom was working two part - time beautician jobs , one at a shop and one at the nursing home . Most nights , her family and friends would come to the apartment and have my mom do their hair in the kitchen , giving her a little extra money . She appreciated that , and the money did help . But it meant dinner was often rushed , and I would be shooed from the only spot in the apartment that was bright and cheerful . And I often went to sleep with the sweet smell of perm solution in my nose . " If Santa isn 't real , " I asked , " how did I get that bike the year Dad was on strike ? You all couldn 't afford it . " " Your sister bought almost everything that year , " she said . And for the first time since we moved , I thought my mom was going to cry . " Your uncle John bought a few things , but your sister bought the bike and used every bit of money she had saved to give you a good Christmas . Lord , I miss her this year . " We became quiet . We both missed home . We both missed the simple joy of using our own bathroom and taking a bath whenever we wanted without trecking to a trailer five minutes down the road . We missed our Christmas tree and the lights the neighbor put up on his house and shopping and eating out and all the things we used to do at Christmas . We missed my sister , without whom we just didn 't feel like a family . Dad had made last Christmas miserable for us ( my bedtime story on Christmas Eve was a horrifying tale about an abortion he allegedly witnessed in Vietnam ) , and Mom didn 't want us to have to go through that again . But at that moment , we would have gone back to our house in Erlanger and put up with the drinking , the verbal abuse , whatever just to not be in this sad little tree - less apartment three hours away from all we held dear . There was a knock on the door . It was one of Mom 's cousins , right on time for her shampoo - and - set . But she didn 't come alone . " Oh , just an old tree and some decorations I found . It 's small enough to fit on the end table , I think . " Another knock , and my cousin Randy came in with a box holding a perfect little table - top tree . Before we could protest , he started setting it up while Mom 's cousin tested lights . Then another knock on the door . One of Mom 's friends came with an extension cord and candy canes . A few minutes later , another knock , and yet another friend with a box full of presents . " You have to have something to put under the tree , " she said , and winked at me . Over the course of the next hour , Mom 's usual clientele of family and friends paraded in bearing beautifully wrapped presents , food , and decorations . We set out the food , decorated the tree and the walls of the little apartment , and laughed together . Someone even brought us a tape player and some Christmas music . Some of the people who brought presents wanted us to open them right then and there , so for me that little surprise Christmas party was my Christmas morning . Santa DID come that year , and he brought me my very own diary with a lock and key , a set of paper dolls with magnetc clothing that stuck to them like magic , a plastic candy cane full of M & Ms , and Judy Blume 's Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing . He brought my mom clothes , cologne , and envelopes of cash ( " tips " , her friends and family told her ) that she tried in vain to get people to take back because she felt it was too much , but that people threatened to hide in my pockets if she didn 't take it . Santa brought a tree , and decorations , and food and friends and laughter . He brought Christmas to us when we couldn 't bring it to ourselves . The next summer we would leave Barbourville and come back home to the house , the family , and the friends we left . We were happy to go home . But we would never , ever have a Christmas quite like the Barbourville Christmas again . A Christmas where we saw just how good people can be to each other . A Christmas where we quite literally " didn 't have a pot to piss in " ( my mom 's favorite little colloquialism for poverty ) but for one night were as rich as kings because of all the love people showed us . The year that I found out for sure that there was no such thing as Santa was the same year that I found out there 's a little Santa in everyone who goes out of their way to make Christmas for others . Okay , a short break from the memoir stuff . I had a great experience over the weekend and I just have to write about it . It was That . Awesome . From 7th grade through my senior year in high school , Christmas had a soundtrack . The holidays began each year when my chorus teacher passed out old paperback books of traditional Christmas carols and had us brush the dust off of the harmonies so we could go caroling . I had the same teacher every year , and sang with the same core group of fellow students . Every December , we gave a string of performances in venues large and small ; there was the big concert in the band room for all our parents and teachers and friends , but then there were the elementary schools , the mall , sometimes a nursing home . Once I got into chamber choir my junior year , the smaller , elite group consisting of people who were flat - out good singers ( plus me , who just worked hard and had a good attitude despite a mediocre voice ) , we went to even more caroling gigs . Sometimes paying gigs , even , which our teacher used to line the chorus budget coffers so we could have something resembling a set for our annual musical . We sang at the local convention center , we sang at the department store formerly known as Lazarus , we even were featured performers once at a hoity - toity dinner at a country club . The applause never got old . But more fulfilling than the applause were the quieter moments when you knew your singing had made someone 's day a little brighter or touched a listener in a way that didn 't inspire clapping . At one caroling outing to a nursing home , a lady got up from her seat while we were singing and came up to my friend Michelle and grabbed her hand . This lady had dementia , and she thought Michelle was her daughter . She just wanted to hear her sing . Michelle kept it together and just let her stand there holding her hand and smiled later when the lady said , " Thank you , Katie . That was beautiful . " Then she lost it in the parking lot , as anyone with a heart would . The annual caroling ended when I graduated . " These are alumni , " said our teacher . " I 'm retired , and some of these guys have been out of school for 20 years , but we wanted to get together and sing today . " " You mean , you 're not part of a regular group ? " she asked . " You sound so good ! I thought you must be a church choir or a community group or something . " Our last stop was at a truck stop where one of our alums works as a mechanic . He told us the truckers could certainly use some cheer ; it 's hard being on the road this time of year . The restaurant area didn 't have much room , so we all stood in a circle . We could all see our teacher for the first time as he had mostly been staying in the back row being a bass . He was still our director , though ; throughout the day he had called the altos out for not singing out enough , and let someone know when they had jumped from one bass to tenor . Some things never change . On that gorgeous version of " Away In a Manger " , we watched him and got all of his signals and my oh my , we killed that thing . We smiled after the last chord . " We actually did some phrasing there . Nice job . And by the way , " he leaned in to us . " When we sang ' Silent Night ' , I think you got to some of the drivers . I could hear what they were saying and see the looks on their faces . You touched them . That for me is what this is all about . " This is the second in my Ghosts of Christmases Past series . Go back a few entries to learn more if you 're just joining us . Cold , bright sunlight comes in through my window and wakes me up . I slept late today . I think we all did . Dad tells me that me and Mom sleep too much and we 're sleeping our lives away , but I don 't feel like getting out of bed today even if it is Christmas . I don 't know if Santa was able to bring me anything this year . We watch the news every night and those boring news shows on Sundays and I hear a lot about how a bunch of people are out of work this year and I heard one man say that even Santa had to tighten his belt . My dad has been out of work for a while and I know we 're not doing real good . He 's in a union and it 's been on strike for a while . The strike is supposed to end soon and I hope it does because everything is weird when Dad doesn 't work . I get free lunches at school which is neat , but there 's some other stuff going on that 's not neat . I got to open one gift last night like I always do on Christmas Eve and I picked the one from my uncle John because his are always the best . This year the box didn 't have a fun toy or game or radio in it . It had a pair of bright red overalls and a white shirt and some socks . When I started to ask where the toy was Mom asked to talk to me in the kitchen and told me that she wanted everyone to get me clothes this year because I am outgrowing everything . It made me a little sad , but I do really like the overalls so I tried not to make a big deal about it . I get up and go to the kitchen first because I can 't stand to look under the tree yet . I think I 'm the only one awake because things are so quiet and it was such a bad night last night but John is in there . He made some coffee and is drinking some from Dad 's U . A . W . mug . He looks tired and I notice how much older he is than my mom and dad . " What did Santa bring you ? " I go into the living room and see my bicycle . It 's not one of the ones with a long seat and tall handlebars with streamers and a basket like my friends have , but it 's a nice bike that doesn 't have training wheels . It 's blue and shiny and all my own . It looks like Santa tried to fit it in a stocking because one of the stockings Mom let me hang on a nail in the living room is on a handlebar . I laugh and run to see if it fits me . Everyone is awake now . My sister walks in rubbing her eyes . She has a new boyfriend and she went to his family 's Christmas Eve party last night and came home after most of the bad stuff happened . She says she loves my new bike . Mom is next and she stands and admires my new bike for a few minutes before she goes in and starts the biscuits and gravy she knows we all love for breakfast . While everyone is looking at the bike and looking under the tree for their own presents , I sneak over to the other stocking I hung up . I am very curious about something . Some of the kids at school have been telling everyone that Santa isn 't real and that it 's really your parents that put the presents under the tree . I don 't believe them , but I had an idea . Last night I put an extra candy cane I got from school and one of the oranges we always keep around at Christmas into a stocking . Mom told me once that when she was a little girl in the mining camp , Santa always left her an orange and a piece of candy in her stocking and it was a special treat because they didn 't get things like that every day . Ever since then I 've wanted Santa to leave me an orange and a candy cane in my stocking even though I can get those things at home . Just in case Santa isn 't real , and just in case I didn 't find anything under the tree this year , I wanted to pretend Santa is real and that he brought me the same things he brought my mom . I reach in the stocking and I almost hope they 're gone . If they 're gone , Santa took them and that means he is real . He put the other stocking on my bike but I really hope he left me something else or took my fruit and candy and left me a note instead . They 're still there . Mom comes in and sees me pull them out . There 's a funny look on her face . She really looks surprised . I feel my heart jump a little . " No , " I say . " I left these for him . He didn 't take them so I guess he wasn 't hungry . " Maybe . I don 't know what to believe because I don 't really think my mom and dad could have bought that bike and I also don 't think they could have put it together last night . Last night started out good . Mom opened a bottle of the red champagne she likes and the adults had some and told old stories and laughed and I watched some Christmas shows on TV . But then Dad moved on to some wine that John bought and then he had some beer . Mom said something about him being " three sheets to the wind . " I don 't really understand what that means but it makes me think of sheets of the filler paper I have to use at school and how if they were in the wind they 'd just blow around all over the place , and that seems about right . Dad wanted to go out and buy more beer but Mom didn 't want him out driving so they had a fight . John tried to get Dad to stay at home , too , but he left anyway . He was gone a really long time and I wasn 't sure if he was coming back . And I felt bad because a part of me didn 't want him to come back because sometimes things are better when he 's gone . He 's up next and we 're all quiet when he comes in . But he smiles , and he inspects my bike and says it looks like a good one , and he goes in to have coffee . He and Mom don 't talk but I know things will get better because they always do , at least when Dad isn 't drinking . There are other presents under the tree . More clothes for me and the Fashion Plates toy from my sister , which makes me squeal because next to a new bike it was the thing I wanted the most for Christmas . Soon me , Mom , and my sissy will be going down home for a few days like we always do on Christmas night . Dad never comes with us when we go to visit my Mamaw and I start to feel guilty again because I want to be away from him and from home for a little while . He 's a lot of fun this morning and he helps me tighten everything on my new bike . But his mornings are way different than his nights . For right now things are okay . We eat breakfast and I am allowed to ride my bike for a few minutes in the family rI know I 'll sleep in the car on the way down and I know I 'll hear my mom and sister talking about things quietly when they think I 'm asleep . Things they think I 'm too young to understand . Things like Mom leaving Dad and finding a new place to live . They think it would make me sad , but it 's really what I want more than anything in the world , more than a new bike or Fashion Plates . I 'm still kind of a little kid , but I know a lot . I know that my sister has a good new job and a new boyfriend we all like and soon she will leave and have a home of her own . I know that my mom doesn 't make very much money and with Dad not working we 're going to have a really hard time this winter . And I know if Dad keeps drinking too much something really bad is going to happen though I don 't know what . We pull out of the driveway and John stands in the doorway and waves and looks as sad on the outside as I feel on the inside . The clouds look like mashed potatoes in the sky and the sun feels warm on my face even though it 's so cold outside . I start to feel better as the car heads south where I know my Mamaw 's waiting for us with a turkey and dumplings . I tell myself it will all get better . It always does . |
Visions : It was something that helped her mind settle . Gardens had always been Tavia 's safety and refuge . She didn 't think the owner would mind if she tended to his kitchen garden . She took her time to pull the little weeds , shifting their energy , making a rapidly decomposing bed over the soil to put the life energy back into the soil . She was startled out of her quiet when Onwar knelt down beside her . He reached out and touched her hand lightly . She had let the energy already drain back into the earth before he actually touched her , but it was close , too close . He took her hand and turned it over to look at the soil - stained fingers and the dirt under her nails . She looked up at him , not sure what his intent was and none too easy with being touched after the attack on her at the stream bank . " I don 't know if it is wise that you be alone , " he said softly . His thumb smoothed across her palm , almost as if searching for spells cut into her palm , perhaps . It was an ancient method rarely used now , but if he was looking for it … He lifted his eyes to her . " Whatever that was at Keeb , it has moved north , but if it is linked to us at all , we will be attacked by the locals . You should not sit alone outside . " He smiled faintly , but rather sadly . " A woman as gracious as you tempts the dark side of men from areas with few women to pick from . " " She is far enough , " Onwar said seriously . " If I had wanted to hurt you , I could have . She is not here , Tavia , " he said looking around , trying to make certain his words were not taken as a threat , but a warning against others . She wanted to object that she could defend herself and that if she truly needed help , Shannon would come to her , but she didn 't say anything . She wanted to pull her hand away , but she didn 't want to seem rude . She wanted to cry , but she forced a small smile . It seemed that she never got what she wanted in her life . " Your concern is very generous , Onwar , " she said . " I have lived through very ugly events and I fear I will again , but when I find a moment to be at peace and tend the simple joys , such as gardens , then I will do so . It is how I build the strength to endure the wild things and the hurtful things . You should try to as well . " He lifted her hand and kissed her knuckle with warm soft lips . He rose , letting her hand slip from his . " I know your men do not like me , but with all my soul , I am here to help you . I will do everything I possibly can to protect you … and them . " He bowed to her , a gracious and very Purtan bow , before he walked from the garden , catching up the hem of his robe with practiced ease and unconscious motion . She felt sick and upset . Covering her mouth with the back of her hand , she wanted to cry , she wanted to allowed to be ill , she wanted Travis to help her , to assure her this was right , she wanted to understand all of this but as always what she wanted was not likely to happen . She gripped her hand to force the shaking to go away and looked back to the little plants , trying to stay sane and strong enough to see this through . Why her ? Why must she be the one to do this and be so alone in it . She used her shoulder to wipe her cheeks of tears as she sniffed , drew a breath and set back to weeding the struggling garden . She poured the energy of her fear and tension into her work , shifting it into useful energy for the plants to live and grow on . She felt as if she had slowly begun to master herself . When she felt for certain that she was settled , she got to her feet and walked to the small water - spigot at the back of the inn wall . Turning it on , she let the trickle run a moment before she set to scrubbing her hands . She got the mud off and carefully cleaned every fingernail . She was still washing when a woman joined her . She was a beautiful Purtan woman . She wore a pair of well - fitting black pants , a blouse of blue that matched her eyes , and a vest that was laced up the front . It was all terribly casual and her stance backed it up . She leaned back against the wall and watched Tavia a moment . Tavia glanced at her , knew who she was at once and ignored her . She had nothing to say to the woman . Alisha had been haunting her dreams for years . She seemed now to be haunting Shannon as well . Tavia did not approve . " I would almost think by your reaction that you had spoken too long with Elleshara , " Alisha said . Tavia shook her hands of water and flicked her fingers a little as she looked at the woman . Alisha was as beautiful as TyraAra and yet as unlike her as possible . She was all relaxed ease and on some level reminded Tavia of Dave . She nodded . " I was there , yes , but I did not turn the boys . I do not have that sort of power . It was clever and saved them from a horrific end , but … " she shrugged . " And yes , I do spend my energy to talk to you . It takes less to talk to you than anyone else . Most of them are so shielded and cold I cannot even be seen . " " Several reasons , " she said . " One is to assure you that things are working out as they need to . " She stood off the wall and moved with the same grace and power that Shannon did . They must have been a stunning pair once . Tavia couldn 't help but feel small and plain next to such a woman . " The other is to tell you that you must have Onwar with you in the end or all will fail , but you knew this already . " She glanced to the back door where a couple children ran out , but didn 't see the two women and went out to the garden to play . " Third , that I have no choice but to advise you of that . " She clearly did not want to say any more , but had no choice . She cleared her throat , " I am not dead in the way men think . The right power could restore me as I was . " She drew in a deep breath . " You and I cannot both be Queen of the Wood . Do you understand ? " Tavia offered her hands up openly . " Oh , then by all means … I am here only because Armond willed it , not by my will . I wanted a small garden by the river and to be left alone . I want nothing to do with thrones and gods and … whatever else . " Alisha smiled faintly . " As much as I would like to think that it 's that simple , I seriously doubt it . I do not know why it has to be me to even let you know , but by the Deal imposed , you must know . Don 't mistake me , I want to come back , but even I know I am not … as forgiving as you . Given the power , I will destroy the souls of those who allowed my children to die , and that includes Armond . " Her anger and cold hatred ghosted across her eyes a moment . " If it means that he be Shannon for the entire age to come , so be it . I will have vengeance . As a mother who watched a man destroy her babies , you must understand . " " I do not mean to , nor want to be at odds with you , but … " Alisha shrugged . " You are a simple woman , with simple desires , while I was born in a court that did not like me from the day I was named … a court that I should have been empress of . It made men dislike me very much . I did not get a crown easily and I had to fight for my power every step . " " So , now that you have said this , you going to continue to haunt him ? To distract him and wear him down so he can hardly focus ? You risk a great deal in the game . " Alisha brushed at her sleeves in an odd vanity . She looked back to Tavia . " I do not mean to haunt ; I come to sooth the nerves of those you deal with so that you all seem less of a threat , less remarkable . Like it or not , I am on your side . I am doing what I can for the company . It is a shame that we must compete for the rank of Queen . We won 't both get it . " " Then I fear I have already lost . I will not play such games . I am not a teenage child to vie for power . I have been through far too much for that . I will do my part to bring the Barrier down , then whatever fate is laid before me , so be it . Just keep in mind that Armond died for him . " " No , " Alisha said firmly . " Travis died for him . A mere avatar . Armond himself sat back in his hold and did nothing but wait for a suitable womb and energies to give himself the power his vanity demanded before he bothered to sliver off a bit of himself . The only one to even truly try was Ulam , " she said with such cold anger it made her face flush with rage , " and he almost did it . " Tears spilled out of her eyes . " You want to know the true God of Purt , the one who truly tried to make the age turn over in peace , not war ? Look first at the tombs of those Armond and his horde gang raped and left for dead . It wasn 't Armond ! " I will bring the church of Armond down ! I will rip open the wells and purge the world of the horde and burn away their laws . " She sobbed a moment and covered her mouth with the back of her trembling hand , almost exactly as Tavia had not so long ago . She wiped the tears off her cheeks and looked to Tavia with restored dignity . She lowered her hand and calmed her breathing . " First step is to bring the Barrier down . " Tavia nodded , unable to say anything after the woman 's reaction . Alisha turned and vanished in a shimmer of sunbeams and dust motes . Tavia stood there - shaken by the woman 's words and plans . She was still there when Kelly came out to her . The big woman had cups of tea for them and offered one to her . " Vain , yes , " Kelly said as they moved to sit in the sunshine on a low wall that lined the garden . It held water in a man - made pool that was home to a few bright fish and watercress . " He was a powerful warlord and demanded much of his ranks , but I don 't think the word cruel ever came up . Why ? " Tavia drew a slow breath and told Kelly everything . If she could trust anyone to understand , it would be the big woman . Kelly listened without saying anything . Before Tavia was done , she was on the verge of crying again and had to work to draw it back in . Kelly put her hand on Tavia 's back , warm and solid . " Just as Shannon is not the man he was when he woke that morning , neither is Alisha the woman she was . Her role might be a good one for the moment , but she would make a very angry and cruel goddess . She would well make Raz look kind and forgiving . I don 't think you need to worry about it , though , at least not for now . Armond will have his own reaction to her and Shannon is still his son . Just be you , Tavia . " Kelly put her arm around her friend and pulled her close . " In the end , that is all any of can truly do . I love you for you and likely for the same things that Alisha might see as weakness . I see them as strength . " She kissed Tavia on the top of the head . " Something else to consider , " she said after a long silence , " he dropped everything and ran into the lions ' den to save you . I don 't think he would be so willing to just forget you now . " Healings : There weren 't that many people beyond the walls of the fortress inn , but Jamie seemed to find them . Ivan was impressed with how the man could just sort of wander out , find trails , and end up at little walled farms . This little farm seemed even worse off than most others , even if it was a bit more sprawling . The walls were made of un - mortared stone and dense brambles with wicked thorns in it all . A few of the building were barns of various types , and a silo stood with another wall around it . The house was long and low and build back against the hill that was crowned with trees inside the wall . Chickens of various sorts ran about , a few wild looking goats were loose in the yard , at least a dozen or so weakling sabets were nestled around as well . They didn 't even get up when Jamie and Ivan entered . Several children ran for the house as the two men walked up the yard . A pregnant woman came out of the house , wiping her hands on an apron . She looked worn and weary , half eleven perhaps , but wore her hair up under a hat with long front cords to tie it on if the wind blew . Her face was lean and showed evidence of hard work , abuse , and a burn on her cheek . She considered , then motioned them inside the house . It was dark after the sunshine outside . They passed through a large front room into the back side kitchen . Here the door was open to the side of the house , letting in light and fresh air . There was food cooking on the large black wood stove , which made the kitchen so hot it was hard to be in . The woman looked to the child . " I don 't know what happened . One day he was fine , the next … " she looked to them . " If he doesn 't recover , his father will drown him . If a child can 't work , it can 't be fed . " Jamie picked the child up and sat in a chair near the door and ran a hand over the little boy 's head . The child had been badly abused . He could feel it . Fractured bones , damaged joints , and a brain that had been rattled by being shaken too hard . He wanted to cry for it . Jamie looked at the woman with a very sad expression . The injury to the baby , the fact his mother would be considered young by this woman , and the clear abuse to the woman herself , made Jamie ill . He dared to lower his shields a little and felt it at once . It was crude , but it was there . " You don 't understand , " Ivan said in barely a whisper . " It 's not just a pleasure , it 's blood magic . It 's very bad . " Jamie ran his hand over the child 's head a few times , healing what he could , getting the energy to flow right to heal it further . The shift of such energy made the child drop off to sleep at once and Jamie laid it back in the bed . Jamie stood turned to the woman . He turned her face to look at him over at him to see he had only gentle compassion . " I know it 's not easy , " Jamie told her . " I was very abused as a child myself and I understand . This child will be fine in time , but not if he is shaken like that again . Who is doing this to you ? " " He 's in the barn , " she whispered , " but we need him . You do not understand . It 's just me and the children . He brings home the fondlings and … " she almost started to cry . " I cannot do it alone . Women cannot own anything . I will be cast out . They will cast us all out to be homeless . " Ivan put a great hand on her shoulder . " We will not leave you homeless , " he promised and went out the open door . Jamie caught her hand before she could go after him . Jamie smiled at her . " The baby is well . He can feel your love for him , even if you are afraid for him . Tell him it is alright . It is safe now . There is no fear . " " Tell him every night , " Jamie said to her . " He is a powerful child ; he will not come out if he feels your fear for him . Greet him and assure him and he will born smoothly with no trouble . One day he will be a healer as well . Teach him kindness and mercy and he will simply learn to heal the injured with the goodness of his heart . Now … for you … " He turned his focus to the depth of her abuse , abuse that was deep and went far into her mind and soul . It would take time , but she would be set free . He would heal her later pray with her so that she might heal and aid others . Ivan left the little house to find the barn . There were several , but he found one that was larger than the others . He heard something crash and ducked in . It was a sheep barn ; several stalls held weak and sick looking animals with droopy heads and snotty noses . A child cried out in pain . Ivan followed the sound around a corner to where the hay was kept . A man was wrestling a young girl , twelve or so by Ivan 's guess . His shirt had been pulled out of trousers that were held up by suspenders . He grabbed her neck , choking down her cries of pain . Her little hands tried to pull his hand off her throat as she choked and tried to suck air . Ivan jerked the man by the hair and ripped him away . The girl sobbed and gasped for air as Ivan grabbed the man by the throat and lifted him off the ground . He snarled at the man , not the snarl of a man but that of a bear . The man fought to pull the great hand off his throat , kicking and struggling against Ivan 's grip . Ivan was strong enough to hold the man up without choking him in the process ; just cutting off air and blood as he willed it . Fear filled the man 's eyes at the growl . He tried with utter lack of skill to attack Ivan with his stolen power . The power burned the front of Ivan 's vest , but did nothing to him . Such might have caused injury or pain to local men , but the King of Ezeer was not impressed . Ivan grabbed a pitchfork and with deliberate strength and calm power , he sank it into the man 's gut , stabbing it hard enough into the wall of the barn to hold the man up . " Shh , " he said to the man , patting his cheek . He wiped his hands clean on the man 's shirt tail as blood began to run to the floor . " This is the best way to give back what you stole . You should be glad I found you … this sin won 't carry so heavily into the next life . " " Come my dear child , the healer will fix it . You will be safe now . " He carried her back to the house . By the time he got there , she was curled up against his chest , crying softly . He carefully sat in the chair by the toddler and held the girl while she cried . When the girl was still , Ivan smoothed her hair . " Maybe we should see to some food , " he said . She nodded and got up to tend to the meal . " While you see to that , I need to go clean up the barn . I will be back soon . " She nodded mutely and let the giant go . Ivan went back to the barn and found the man dead . He had bled to death and made a pool that not even starving cats would touch . Ivan found an old shovel , and gathered up the blood - soaked dirty straw from the barn floor into a wagon . He pulled the man down , tossed in him the wagon and drug it out to the yard . He heaped up wood on the body and set it on fire just as the children began to return from their daily tasks outside the walls . Most of them came in with either a few animals , baskets of crystals , or herbs to sell . All of them seemed to have a smaller child in tow . They watched as the giant set fire to the wagon . Slowly they began to gather around to watch . Ivan ignored them and began to use his own magic to gather up the stain of the energy and put it into the fire . He wandered about and found each place dark magic had happened and brought it to the fire to burn it away , to make the energy new and allow this place to be healed . He went to each child then and laid his hands on their heads , one by one , to share with them the blessing of the fire and the energy 's strength . He could feel each of them as gifted in power . The man had chosen his victims for their inborn power as much as for being orphans . He almost suspected the man was behind them being orphans to begin with . They saw to their chores after they received this odd blessing . Ivan went back inside as night fell . The kitchen smelled of food , the toddler was making noises and playing with the doll , the girl was taking with the little boy softly . She had a horrid black eye now , but had seen to the meal for her family . All of it was a good sign . Jamie lowered his hand to smile at the woman . She smiled back timidly . She was healed right down to the old burn mark on her cheek . " You are made new , " Jamie said . " You have been given new life , new hope , and a new place . You have been charged with the children , to teach them to be kind and good . " " I think we should stay a few days , " Ivan said softly . He put his hand on the girl 's shoulder . " This strong young woman could use your help as well and I think most of the others outside need a moment of your time , also . " The girl nodded , a little fearfully , but led Jamie from the kitchen to the back room where there was a large worn - out bed . Jamie paused in the door . He could feel the pain , the blood magic , the horror of this room . " Oh , this is bad room , " he said , starting to cry . He could feel the energy of children being destroyed here and knew it all too well . He had endured such a childhood and felt it all well up within himself . He felt six years old again and did not want to go into that room . He knew what would wait for him there . Jamie nodded , trying to swallow the sickness . " His stain remains . He was a very bad man . I cannot sleep here . I will sleep in the yard on the ground first . This room needs to be cleared and blessed before it is safe here . It will harm any who stay too long . " " You can sleep with us . " She took him by the hand from the room to a long narrow hall that was filled with straw for the children to sleep in . It was terribly sad and filled with grief and lingering pain , but it was also the safe place for many children . Jamie took a place she offered in the straw along the wall and lay down to sleep . Ivan stayed up and helped with the children as they saw to the needs of the houseful of the young . The oldest one was a boy about fourteen and Ivan took him aside as the rest began to go to bed . His abuse was deep and had been happening all his life . Ivan had him help stir the fire and add more garbage , the man 's clothes , and everything else that belonged to him . They burned away all evidence of it . Then Ivan sat with him and told stories of the Holy Father of the church in Purt . How he was abused by his father , but grew up to be a great warrior and healer . He told stories of men who overcame such horrific wrongs and protected others against them . As he did , he let the gods of Ezeer breathe though him and aid the young man . He told stories of the warriors of Ezeer and the hardships of the high moors and how the gods aid those who aid others . He stayed up long after the young man went to bed . He scrubbed the blood from the barn and checked on the animals , feeding and watering them . Only then did he find a place in the barn to sleep . He slept in late and woke to the sounds of children voices . Getting up , he set to helping them see to the animals . " Why ? " Riven asked them as the three men stood on the hilltop under the apple trees . " Why have we dropped everything to heal this place . I felt the shift ; I came to see what it was . " He looked to Jamie . " We risk a lot to do this . " Jamie nodded . " I 'm not certain , Riven , but I know that it matters . That we are needed here , I have no question . I cannot say Armond has given me a commandment , but he may as well have . " " If we forget for what we fight , then why fight at all ? " Ivan asked . " All of these children have powers , all of them are a new generation for a new age , and if it is not them we aid , then who cares if the age turns or not . " Shannon looked up from the book he was reading . It was a little book of poems that he had bought off a man who had passed through the night before . Kelly had joined him before dinner and still sat with him . " Great events change the soul . You of all men know that . The woman she was once is no more than the man you once were . You 'd be wise to recall that . " She wiped foam from her top lip . " From what I understand , she was a reckless woman . She had little respect for anyone or any rules of her culture or her race . " " Hmm , I expect it was . You were so bound by laws and rules , you could not even think for yourself . Fought over like a prize stud , trapped in obligations you simply could never fill , she had to be a breath of air like nothing else . " " I don 't see why your heart is still locked up on her . She not only would belittle your need for control , she would seek to undo it and tell you to do whatever the whim would wish . She would act on her own desires and if she had the power now , she would rip the world apart out of anger and vengeance for her children . I imagine she would be very much like Raz . Yet you choose her even now . " Kelly leaned an elbow on the table and looked at him directly . " Not even Dave is so insulting to me as you are to Tavia . And for the sake of Purt , he must be . " " He might ignore me for the sake of our souls and for those around us , but at least he does not watch Salma with a lustful eye . He might joke a time or two , but it 's just a friendly jest . You , on the other hand , ignore Tavia as if she disgusted you and at the same time pine after a woman who was unworthy of you even when she was alive . " Shannon looked at her a bit shocked . He was speechless for a moment and not at all sure how to take Kelly 's seriousness or her words . " Have we been turned into sixteen - year - olds ? Are we seriously at our first ball ? " Kelly didn 't smile at all . " You have bound up so much of yourself with your grief that you cannot even shift a sliver of your power to anything beyond it . So long as you hold onto her and pine for her , you can never be whole , you can never know peace , you can never be mortal . You hold onto the grief as much as once you held onto your rings . She will burn you , scar you , and in the end make you into nothing more than grief and rage . You can never have back that girl you once adored . It 's a hard lesson . I say it carefully , I say it as a friend , as an ally , as someone who has been betrayed by love and by my god . If anyone is going to relate to you right now , it 's me . " " And if your lover had not betrayed you ? What if instead he had been beaten and destroyed beside you , screaming your name for you to be strong ? " Shannon asked her back , barely above a whisper so no one could hope to hear them . Kelly drew a deep breath and shifted her shields , blocking the emotions better . " Please , " Kelly said softly . " Please , let her go . For you to have her back , you have to give up all that you have now . Only if you surrender to being a dark lord can you have her . Before you do that , look at what you have here . " Kelly stood up and left Shannon at the table alone . She went to the bar to get more beer , then walked over to join the table of card players . Shannon watched her go , not sure he quite understood her . Ever since Oirion had done whatever it was he did in Purt , Shannon had not been the same . His mind just didn 't seem to work . Emotions intruded and confused his thoughts . He felt clouded and out of focus . The age - old complaint of men that women were impossible to understand suddenly gave him pause . If Tavia confused him , so did Kelly … and he had once thought he understood them both . " Try this , " Dave said as he held out a bottle opener for Shannon to use . Shannon took it and popped the cap off . Dave took a seat with a smile . " I just won a bit . I didn 't even cheat , " he laughed . " I bought a keg for later and a few rounds now . I 'll lose what I don 't spend tonight . You look altogether in a bad mood . " Shannon almost spoke , but there she was . She was at the fireplace in the crowd . He tore his eyes off her and looked at Dave . " Just thrown off balance and trying like hell to get my feet under me and then there she is pulling at me in one direction and Oirion 's pulling me in another . I have this very bad feeling Gerome is about to slam me with something and that I 'm going to lose control . " Dave took a drink and leaned back . He tipped the chair to teeter on the back two legs . He put his feet on the edge of the table in a comfortable ease . Shannon considered it a moment . He wanted to give as truthful an answer to Dave as he would want Dave to give him . " Physically I am still adjusting to not being in pain all the time . I feel removed from everything right until something happens . " " It 's like stories that I read once - all of it - right until I see something . Rasha is a story until she is walking in the crowd . The ship is just a story until I see Riven . My life is just a story until it I am caught in it . It does not feel like it is me , like it is real . " " You might think so , but it is also very distracting . The oddest things shatter my focus and change what I was thinking a moment before . I cannot know if my actions are that of an experienced lord or of a moment 's emotions . I no longer feel connected to the past nor to the future . " " You know , if Kelly would just say that she cared but was afraid to cause later grief , I would understand a lot more . Tavia assures me , but … it still feels to me that Kelly regrets everything and hates me . Just a single gesture would give me strength that I don 't think she begins to understand . " Dave almost laughed . " I don 't know … you might want to make sure , " he said with a swig . " Speaking of Kelly , " he said , changing the topic , " I don 't understand why Zou is dark . I mean , I thought she was changed fully . " " You know , I grew up being trained every day . I studied languages , history , magic , every single day of my life . It was understandable that I was able to be what I was when I was sixteen . On the other hand , Zou has not . He ran around with a homeless man . Yet , he keeps up . It worries me . " Shannon nodded . " Zou is a powerful young man . I don 't know what magics the Druid used , but Zou whispers with power like I have never seen before . I have seen him do things not even he is aware of . I would say that he was trained ; he just didn 't realize it . " " I find it hard to think he has been through what he has and he is the son of who he is . It is very difficult for me to think that he will not be taken by the powers that are involved here . You have told me enough times that any man can be broken . I cannot see him and not fear for it . " " He is your son , David , " Shannon said . " He has chosen Purt in his heart and he belongs to me . No one will break him as long as I am here . " Shannon leaned on the table and smiled a little . " I didn 't have to , " he said softly . " Zou didn 't need anything more than the assurance he wasn 't forgotten and that someone cared . He fought his own battle and took what lessons I could offer and made them his . He pretends it never happened to our faces , but it happened and his soul was changed … but not necessarily in a bad way . As I said , David , he is a powerful soul and one the world will know before the end . " " He is also a teenager barely old enough to know what to do with a woman if he had one . I remember being where he is . Trying to live up to your shadow is a hard thing to do . " " You know , in my life I have known a lot of people and few have provoked a sense of paternal guardianship . " He looked to Dave . " Some few have . You , for one . Oirion , when he was a child , Theo in his own way . " He turned the bottle in his fingertips . " It makes me wonder why . Maybe it is just that you are lit up with some sort of energy unlike others or maybe your soul is the key . All of us have lived before . I like to think that the souls of my children escaped , that they have been reborn and are living full lives . My point is … " Shannon brought his conversation back to what he was aiming at , " Zou is not a young spirit . He knew full well who his parents were and chose to be born . He chose you , David . The highest part of his soul chose to be who he is . We all choose . " Shannon curled his hair behind his ear and took a sip of his drink . By his own words he had to admit that Rajak then , as well , had chosen to be born as the son of Shannon . He took another drink and watched the princes of Purt play on the dirt floor . Zou cracked his knuckles against the ache and pain in the bones . It hurt , but offered relief for the moment . The weather was changing again and he could feel it . He was glad that he was here with Gabren and DaHane . They had escaped the tavern and its noise to the quiet of the house here . The family was much nicer than the drunks and gamblers there . He needed simple sounds right now . He was sick with tension and ached just about everywhere . DaHane , of course , had tried to help him relax , but had left him to go flirt with the daughters of the man who lived here with his family . Zou wished he felt up to the game , but the teenage girls were not going to satisfy his need . Raz had ruined him . His body wanted only something as powerful . A simple roll in the barn hay was not going to even be fun for him . Zou looked back to the young women . They were pretty enough for what they were , but they just didn 't excite him . " Maybe that 's the trouble , " he said . " I won 't be here long and girls like that might think someone might stop and stay , or take them along , and they do not want to go where I am going . " He shrugged . Zou shrugged a shoulder and took a sip of the tea . " Once you have gone where I have gone and done what I have done , simple pleasures no longer are able to capture you . " He took a sip . " DaHane is Sphinx and he requires affection to stay mentally healthy . Such games are as important to him as food . " She looked back to the girls who all but hung on DaHane . She sighed a little . " I must go to the kitchen to finish up the day 's tasks , " she said . " You 're welcome to join me if you do not wish to watch your friend flirt . " He watched her get up and leave the main room for the back room . He looked to DaHane for a moment , then for lack of interest followed the woman to the kitchen . She was at the sink scrubbing at the pots used for the night meal . He watched her from a door a bit before he entered the room . He had a hard time not noticing the front of her dress had gotten wet above the apron top and revealed the color of skin through the wet fabric . Zou smiled a little as he leaned back against the wall at the end of the sink counter . " Not officially , but I suppose by most standards one might say I could be . I would say more of a disciple , if anything . Not really a priest . " " It 's true he 's not a god . Not yet . " She plunged the pot into the deep sink and drew it out to get the soap off as best she could before rinsing it in the next sink . She set it aside to dry and took another . " They seek to build the foundations for his new church … for the day that it happens . The earth will feel it from the highest mountains to the lowest ocean trench . " " I was born to it . My parents were both Shannonites . They paid the price for it . Gerome 's men killed them when I was a teenager . I ended up here , " she said . She nodded . " I suppose so . I have been given a decent life , but if Shannon heard prayers , I would not be here . I am a servant for the priests of the temple here and that is about all I am . I have little joy in my life ; I suppose few do , but for a life of service I have gotten very little . It makes being devoted to a " living god " feel a bit redundant and false . " She smiled a little . " My husband has devoted his life to Shannon and forgotten his wife and his daughters . I was a young girl , younger than my girls are now when I was all but handed to him . I became a wife in trade for a home and food . When he was younger and had not tasted power , he lusted for his woman … but now … " she shrugged . " I am not certain this is a conversation best had with a man the age of my daughters . " Zou finished his tea and set it on the counter . " Sometimes , the things we seek the most are right before us if we look past the surface , " he said , thinking of Shannon sitting at the tavern sipping wine by himself while his priests were off at some hidden temple on their knees . " The idea of being a priest appeals to some because it gives life a purpose and to be a priest to a man like Shannon gives it an edge of energy and danger that a farmer or a tradesmen is not likely to taste . Oh , there are benefits to being in such a company , but then again it numbs you to the simple pleasures . " " I have no reason to believe it . As far as I have seen in my life , only men have power . And the sort of power they play with is dark . As I see it , Shannon is a vampire and a demon , and if that is the sort of God they want , then fine … but I 'd rather have a loving God with a gentle hand . I do not see such a man God ( ? ) in Shannon . " Zou moved . He took her arm and turned her from the sink and took her hands in his to talk to her seriously . " Good men have power . Good men move to put their power in place and begin the new age with grace and as gentle a hand as they can . Good men just do not walk around blowing horns and pounding drums to their own glory . Shannon could be here right now and he 'd not go to temple . He 'd not come knock on the door and ask for a bed ; he 'd go to the inn , sip wine and eat his meal , pay his bill , and then move on . " " I would like very much to think so . I would like to think the good men will win and to even know for certain good men do have power , but I have never seen it and the men who preach to me are my brother , my aged husband , and the cobbler . I see no power in them . They claim to be priests of a church that their own God does not acknowledge . What 's the point ? " Zou shocked himself a little when he suddenly kissed her . As he did , he opened his sanctuary to the outer halls . In an almost transparent image , they were both in the kitchen and yet standing on the white sand shores of his made - over image of the Pusan sea . Now it was a sea of tears , full of the souls of those lost to the dark lords , and they each shimmered as little silver fishes that darted about in the water . " Do you see it now ? " he asked her . He kissed her again , just as he kissed Raz . Her reaction was very similar . " Do you taste such now ? " he asked her . " Not all gods are what you expect , and not all of them walk around preaching their own power . Now and then , though , they reach out . " He kissed her again and pinned her to the wall . He wanted her . She didn 't resist , but she didn 't tear at him . He had to take every step in his own hands … and he did . He couldn 't get to her fast enough , but once he did there was a sudden peace . His mind seemed to clear , tension begin to shift and it seemed weight lifted off . He was able to think and feel for himself without the pressure he had been enduring . He knew then that Raz had been pushing on him , trying to capture him . Likely she watched even now . If anything , it made him want to seem to enjoy himself and do even more . He wanted to make it clear to her that he was free and she was nothing to him . When he was finished , he held the woman in place , not allowing her to slip away from him . He held her pinned to the wall as his blood slowed and cooled . He whispered in her ear when she tried to slip away . " To touch and taste such power always comes at a cost . " " You have to let me go , " she whispered back . " I would be disowned if I was to have a child of this . " She tried to push him away , honestly afraid now that it was over . He held her in place , forcing her to keep him a little longer . He used the last moments of union to flood her with energy , with power . She gasped with the sudden rush and forgot for a moment everything else . He let her go with that power flushing her body . He fixed his clothes as she stood trembling and out of breath against the kitchen wall . Oddly , he could feel her still . He could feel his own energy in her , on her , swirling about her . He wondered if that was how it felt for a demon , to be able to still feel it and manipulate it even after he had backed away . He left her alone , but even as he sat at the table wrapping his hands around his mug , his mind went back to her and with nothing but his energy he manipulated her . It might have been rape except that she had invited it and was now caught in it . He closed his eyes and savored it , enjoying this far more than the actual act . He was sitting calmly with his tea when the men came back from the temple . He seemed to be just sitting there watching the fire as the men took their places about the chamber . Reluctantly , Zou slowly let go of her as her husband came in . Zou drained the last of his tea and made sure the energy on the woman was as pure and good as he could make it . He did not want them to think she had been raped by a demon . She had wanted to taste power and was not happy with a good simple life ? Well , she 'd not have to worry about a simple life again . She would never be the same . It would take a god to seduce her now . He rose from the chair with a yawn . The old husband went to go find his wife to make tea for the men . " Dozing off where I sit , " Zou said as an apology . " I 'm to bed . " He left them just as the husband returned . He look a bit flushed and whispered to Gabren , who went with him at once . Zou went to bed to dream of nothing for the first time since he had been touched by Raz . |
Several of you have very generously taken the time to write us to share your own inspirational stories of lost pets being reunited with their loving owners . Your stories have given us great comfort and encouragement . We 'd like to share those stories here with the hope that they may encourage others who have lost their beloved pets too . ( Stories have been edited to remove all personal references to fully preserve anonymity . ) " I have not seen Rumble ; but I have a story of encouragement . I was raised in a family that did not leave strays wandering on the streets and I normally rescue several every month . About 10 years ago in the dead cold of January , my parents spotted a skittish Doberman Pinscher who would not let them get very close . She was extremely thin and sick . To make matters worse it was supposed to be 10 degrees that night . We left out food and water although the water froze almost immediately . My father nailed some boards together to create a make - shift shelter , and we put hay and a blanket in the shelter . We left and prayed that the dog would go into the shelter and eat . The next morning she was alive and a little more receptive to my family . We started calling every Vet clinic and animal organization . A lady at one clinic my mother called at first said , " No , I don 't know of anyone missing a Doberman . " About an hour later the phone rang and the lady from the Vet clinic said she remembered that 9 months earlier a man came in missing a Doberman . She gave his number to my mother who called the man . He asked my mother if the dog had a right paw flatter than the left paw because his dog had a car tire run over her paw as a puppy . Sure enough , this was a fact . Everyone was excited , and we met the owner on a cold January night . When the owner came within a 100 yards of the dog , the dog took off running toward him . This sick frail animal practically knocked him down with love . The owner said he prayed that she would come home and she did . I say a prayer every night for Rumble and all the other animals out there wandering on the streets . Good Luck ! " " Shadow " the Blind Cat " I want to share a story of survival with you . I had a wonderful black cat that was wise , brave and totally loving . She was self - reliant and adventurous . Her eyes were covered with solid robins egg blue cataracts . She had been totally blind since she was found as a small kitten . I lived in a large house on a large lot and she explored inside and out at will . Unfortunately , no one warned me that they were going to be topping the trees one day and Shadow disappeared . I feared she was killed by falling treetops , which she could not see . My hope was that she had run from the sound of the saws and survived . I was devastated with guilt and remorse . I notified all the local animal control and rescue groups , placed signs and searched , calling her name . She was easy to describe . Three months later I got a call from the SPCA . She had been found three blocks away . She was so thin she looked like a full - grown kitten . I do not know how she survived that experience or what she lived on . I am glad to say we had many more years together . Shadow may have been as brave and determined as Rumble but she had a greater handicap . Somehow she managed to survive , I am sure Rumble will too . " " Waldo , a little Corgi , was lost on July 27th at a family camp . Waldo was presumed dead , eaten , never seen since the day of his disappearance . Waldo belongs to a little wheelchair - confined boy from Maryland who was visiting family at the camp . The family didn 't give up . They did everything possible to find Waldo . Three days ago Waldo was recovered . He had lost weight , but his thick , digging claws and long nose helped him survive , maybe by cornering , digging up and eating rodents . " " Jake " the Cattle - herding Dog " Several years ago , my hubby and I were moving cattle over a very rocky ridge on a scorching day with the help of our dog . Jake , being smarter than us , decided it was too hot to be working and went to sit in the shade . We had to push on , figuring he 'd catch up . When he didn 't , we drove around the area , asked people along the roads to keep an eye out for him , then left my hubby 's denim jacket and a supply of food near the pond where we 'd left the truck - and went on home , 40 miles away . Next day , when I went back , Jake was lying on the jacket , waiting for us to come and get him . " " Years ago , one of our neighbors was trapping cats and we lost one of ours . Although we looked and looked for him , the neighbors said they " thought " they 'd dumped him in the mountains . We live in Colorado , at least an hour from the closest mountains . To our surprise , Hobbes returned to our backyard after 14 months ! He was sitting on the picnic table one morning . We were so shocked we had to compare him to old photos for confirmation that he was indeed our kitty . So , incredible things do happen . Rumble may take a while to come home , but never give up hope ! " " My mother used to breed Keeshonden ( 1970s ) . Her prized female , Gypsy , was released from her travel kennel by someone while being flown home from a breeding . Gypsy was lost from the airport from May to November , and my Mom never stopped searching and posting notices . Knowing what area our dog was in , my mother finally caught her with a specially made kennel - type trap . I was only a child , but will never forget . The reunion was indescribable . Please don 't ever lose hope that you will find Rumble ! ! ! " " We lost , [ and found again ! ] a dog ourselves . She was a very , very shy grand - grand - grandchild of a mixture of a German Shepherd and a Russian wolf from de Rotterdam Zoo , a so - called " Saarloos - Wolfdog " , after the breeder called Saarloos . But . . . after three days she came back to our house herself . This was for " only " three days , but I never forget the fear we had , about the traffic . . . " " Bandit disappeared six months ago in Boise . His owner spent three weeks looking for him in the desert to no avail . He had a lost report filed at the Idaho Humane Society but because the dog had been missing for so long , he had given up trying to find him . Besides , he traveled a lot and was not in the area to look for Bandit every day . His ex - wife happened to be looking at the IHS website and spotted Bandit on the " Dogs of the Week " page . She was kind enough to get in touch with him . He came in and found his long lost friend ! He has owned Bandit since Bandit was a puppy and Bandit has traveled everywhere with him throughout the years . Needless to say , this happy ending brought tears to all our eyes . " " I read Rumble 's update the first thing every morning . I can 't wait until the day I see Rumble is home instead of no new sightings . I have another story of hope about a lost dog named Mac . I first learned about Mac by a lost ad on petfinder . com . His owner lived in NJ but Mac was staying with a friend of his owners for a few days right down the street from me in PA . I called the owner and we met at a shopping center by my house . I helped her pass out flyers , etc . Mac got out of the friend 's fence and took off . There were a few sightings of Mac in the first few weeks . After that , there were none until two weeks ago , a little over six months later . It turns out that a couple was trying to get a hold of Mac for over a month . He kept coming into their yard and playing with their dog . The couple had been feeding him . They finally grabbed him and thankfully he still had his collar and tags on . They called the owner and she went to pick him up immediately . He was found only 2 miles from where he was lost . Who knows how he survived for the first 5 months especially during one of the worst winter storms we had ever had . I pray that you find Rumble and thank God there are people out there like you who care for animals as much as you do . " " Mac was 18 months old when he found his way out of the yard where my friends were babysitting because I had an emergency . He 'd never been away from home before , and I can only assume he escaped to try to look for me because my friends said he cried all night long in their house . I was fired from my job , too , because I took 2 vacation days to go look for him . I posted fliers in the county where he was lost , placed ads in newspapers , posted ads on lost / found websites , called every vet , animal control officer , shelter and rescue group in the county as well as did walk - throughs at shelters and handed out photos to mail carriers , police officers and firefighters . I eventually resigned myself to the idea that I would never see Mac again . I even adopted another dog from a shelter where I did a walk - through . I was amazed when I received a call at 5 - 1 / 2 months later from a couple just 2 miles from where Mac ran away ! They told me that Mac had spent the past month - and - a - half in their back yard . They had a hard time catching him ( because he was skittish ) , but he liked playing with their dog and they had been feeding him . But , they 'd finally coaxed him into their home and he was in their kitchen ! When I arrived , Mac looked at me with an expression of " I know you , but I can 't place you . " But , when he heard my voice , he knew exactly who I was and he knocked me over and started licking my face ! ! ! I couldn 't believe he remembered me after 5 - 1 / 2 months ! ! ! ! I didn 't know whether to laugh or cry - - so I just did both . As soon as he got into the car , he fell asleep ! I pray that you find Rumble and get the same reaction I did from Mac . I also pray that Rumble is healthy - - you never know . . . Mac gained 15 pounds on the run ! ! ! ! One thing I did find is that Mac is not as self - assured as he used to be . . . possibly because a lot of people chased him away . . . when you get Rumble back . . . he 'll need LOTS of LOVE . You 're all in my prayers . " " A couple of years ago one of our Husky boys made a break for freedom . Being a running dog by nature , he was gone in seconds , so by the time we arrived home from work we had no idea where to find him . After making the normal phone calls to the local vets and animal shelters , we learnt that he had been spotted chasing a cat over a main freeway a couple of miles from our home . We searched for hours and hours in and around this area . Very sad and down , we came to realise that with night setting in , our chances were fading . Driving home I had this thought of a person whom I had had cause to visit some six months prior who lived in this area . Not knowing why this visit would pop into my head at this time , but understanding that I had to return to this area and go to where I had once visited , I turned the car around and went back . I drove past the house and up and down the street not seeing anything . I was about to give up for the night when I took a wrong turn into a dead - end which lead into deep bush . As I turned to back the car out I looked up , and there was my " Style " walking out of the bushes up the road towards me . It took some coaching to get him to come to me . With a huge fear he would turn and run into the bush again , I dropped to the ground leaving the car door open and telling him to jump in . He loved the car . Style was still very cautious so I moved away from the car and sat on the ground talking to him . After a few minutes he made a break for the car and jumped into the back seat as happy as larry . My heart just fell to my feet ! I had my beloved Style back safe and sound . " " Just had to add a note of agreement about catching loose ( not necessarily lost ) dogs . For 12 wonderful years we were blessed with Kodi , a Siberian Husky . As they are prone to run until they are lost , we knew he could not be trusted off - leash . But there were a couple of times that he did get out the door . We live in the suburbs outside a Virginia city , so his absolutely favorite thing to do was " take a walk . " Anytime he heard me say " Wanna take a walk ? " he was overjoyed ! So one day when one of our boys accidentally left the garage door ajar , I looked out to see Kodi halfway down the driveway . I called to him " Wanna take a walk ? " over and over again , in the same excited tone I always used , and he came to me ! Needless to say , we both had a joyous walk immediately ! We also learned another lesson on 2 occasions when he got out after dark . . . he loved people , and no matter how much we called to him by driving around in the dark , he would not come to us . . . but very early the next morning all I had to do was cruise by the school bus stops and he was sure to be there getting love and attention from all the kids . I continue to hope with you for Rumble 's safety and his return to you . " Black German Shepherd in Maine " Hi , I have a story about a dog running loose and how we caught him . One day my children and I were outside playing when a black GSD starting running for the busy road . I screamed as loud as I could which made the dog stop in his tracks right before he would have hit the car head on . I don 't know if my scream got him to turn around and run into the woods , but I was so afraid he would head back to the road that I started to follow him , which only made him go deeper into the woods . My husband didn 't want me to pursue him for fear I would get bitten but no , I always think I can save all animals . I don 't know why I thought of this but I started throwing a stick saying the whole time , " Get it - bring back ! You want to play ? " this got the dog 's attention and slowly he came to me . When he finally came up to me , he was so excited about playing with that stick that he must have forgotten he was afraid of me . Unfortunately he didn 't have a collar on so we couldn 't grab him . We stayed playing with him until the police could come to bring him to the police station in case someone called looking for him . Two hours later someone called the station looking for him and they were united with him ! They told the station he had jumped through their picture window . I will now try to play fetch with a lost dog if I ever see one again . " " A year and a half ago my partner in rescue and I lost a large Shepherd / Malamute mix . His name was Moochie and we got him into rescue on Christmas Eve , 2000 . Three days after Christmas he bolted from my partner 's husband 's car in an area that is about 15 minutes from our houses . We spent the next 6 weeks trying to get him back . His problem was the same as Rumble 's , he was afraid of everybody . It was pretty much myself , my partner and her husband looking for him . My partner 's sister manned the phones at home and relayed sightings to our cell phones . We occasionally got within 5 minutes of him but we never saw him . We 'd keep layers of clothes by the door so we could make a fast exit if a call came in . He never left the area which was lucky for us . It was very nerve - wracking , especially when a week or so would go by without a sighting . But there were funny times too . We were always losing our cell phones in the car . We would have to use one to call the other one to see where it was . One night we were staking out a garbage dumpster behind a restaurant and the delivery guys thought we were cops looking for drugs . The good news is that after 6 weeks , we finally caught Moochie in a Have - A - Heart trap the day before we had to give the trap back . Boy , was that a happy day ! My partner ended up adopting Moochie and now he goes off - leash hiking every day . When I tell Moochie Rumble is lost and ask him if he knows where he is , Moochie barks his head off . I wish I lived in an area closer to where Rumble is so I could help you look for him but since I don 't I will continue to check the website and pray for his safe return . " " There were some really funny moments involved - one afternoon a very kind man spotted Mooch near his yard and called our house . My sister advised him to try and tempt the by now very hungry Moochie with some meat . This dear man went inside and got an entire plate of ham , and then proceeded to warm it in the microwave so it would have more aroma . We never remembered his name , but later found out that he is a doctor , so we have always fondly remembered him as Dr . HotHam . Also , one night when my husband had the night shift of trap surveillance I thought for sure he was going to be arrested for vagrancy . He was sitting in our old Nova ( the dog car ) wrapped in a blanket , half sleeping and keeping an eye on the spot where Mooch had been spotted on several occasions . He truly looked like a homeless guy sleeping in his car . So many nice folks in the neighborhood closest to where he got lost tried to help . One family always walked their dog with an extra leash and treats in their pockets in case they spotted him on their evening walk . One other family would put their female husky on a tie out in the front yard to try and lure him there . After Moochie was found , we removed the 350 " lost " posters and posted a few ( not 350 ! ) " FOUND ! " posters in some key places . I will always remember that the folks who worked at the First Virginia Bank ( we had posters on their cash machine out front ) they all clapped and gave a rousing cheer when we popped in to take down the signs and share our good news . These sort of things can really renew your faith in the good of our fellow human beings . " " Scooter " in Tennessee " The owner of Scooter our little wandering toy in Knoxville TN called today . . . . Scooter has been found ! Whoever on this list suggested we call schools - what a great idea . Turns out in this case , the flyer was picked up by a teacher who posted it in the gym and the cafeteria . A child saw the photo and went home and told her Mom that the little dog they had seen just found was indeed lost . The folks called the owners . . . and Scooter is home for Christmas . " A few years ago , a family lost their beloved German Shepherd , " Pluto , " near their home in Arvonia . They looked and looked but found no sign of Pluto . Then one day they received a call from West Virginia . The caller said that they had Pluto and read off all of the information on Pluto 's collar . There was no doubt that the dog was Pluto . Before the owners could get to West Virginia , Pluto took off and they didn 't hear anything else for a long time . Then they received a call from a woman in the Bent Creek area ( Rt . 60 bridge crossing the James River ) . The woman had Pluto . Unfortunately , Pluto got away from the woman before the owners could get there . They drove up and down Bent Creek Rd . for hours calling to Pluto . Finally , he emerged from the forest . Pluto was very skinny and his foot pads were bruised and covered with sores , but he finally got to go home ! Pluto lived to a ripe old age with his " mom " and " dad . " The man who told us this story said , " Don 't give up , you will find your boy . " This story has been an incredible source of comfort and encouragement for us . " I truly hope that your wonderful companion and friend will be spotted close by and he will be returned safely . Hopefully , I 'll be able to view his return on your excellent and informative website very soon . My dogs mean the world to me and when one escaped and shot out the front door , I was frantic and was thrilled to know too that most of the neighbourhood helped a great deal in notifying me of his whereabouts . He was not gone long , but even a short time , . . . an hour or two is too long , so my heart goes out to you and yours and I will pray that Rumble is safely found and / or rescued . " Please don 't give up on Rumble . Years ago , my Mom found the most wretched looking poodle . It was filthy ( we thought it was a chocolate , but once cleaned she was actually white ) and matted . The gas station attendant said it belonged to no one . My Mom brought it home and was surprised to find a collar and tags under the mess . My Mom called the number on her tags . Seems this sweet little girl had been missing for almost 6 months and her owners had despaired of ever seeing her again . She was over 50 miles from home . How she got there no one knows . But there was a very happy reunion . " I just wanted to write you to let you know what happened to me this morning . I was driving home from breakfast with some friends when I saw a man jogging on Rt 10 in Chester , Va . He had a beautiful white lab running with him . Just as I saw the lab , she took a sharp left right into the lane I was in and crossed over to the passing lane . Speed limit in this area ( right in front of Thomas Dale High School ) is 35mph , and the first thing I thought was " this baby is history . " My whole body tensed up and I slammed on the brakes , as did the car passing me on the left . The car next to me slid about 20 feet and the doggie 's head came within inches of the front tire as the car came to a stop . The jogger looked over at the traffic ; about 5 cars had to hit the brakes , and mouthed out the words " it 's not my dog . " I pulled over to the parking lot on the right , stopped the car and got out . The first thing I thought about was Rumble 's Page . How to approach a loose dog ? I got out of the car and sat on the pavement near the rear of the car and called out softly " come here baby " while I had my hand out low and not looking AT the dog . Luckily the doggie came over to me , very nervous , and sniffed my hand and started to lick . I slowly got hold of her collar and rubbed on her for a moment , then put her into the back seat of my car ( she jumped right in ) . I then slowly opened the door and got into the back with her and checked her collar . Her home was about 1 mile away ( I knew the street ) and I drove her to the house and went to the door . A teenage girl answered the door and I asked her if she had a beautiful white lab . She said yes and I proceeded to tell her what happened . She was very relieved to see her lab and get her back , and thanked me for helping get her baby back . " Many years ago , my parents and I drove 20 miles up into the mountains of Virginia to pick up a Shepherd / Golden / Collie / Pointer mix puppy . She was to be my first dog . She was the type of puppy that you are told to avoid - shy , introverted , not a tail - wagger . I 'm sure she found the 40 - 50 minute trip back to our house traumatic , to say the least . My experience with dogs was nil , but I tried to sooth her by talking to her . Since she didn 't have a name , I just called her Puppy over and over . We chained her outside and went inside to prepare some food . When I came back outside , she was gone . I was horrified . She was only about four months old and had no idea where she was . Luckily , there was snow on the ground and I was able to track her for some distance . Unfortunately , she went into thick pine woods and I lost the tracks . How do you call a dog that has no name and has only known you for less than an hour ? I called , " Puppy , Puppy ! Come here , Puppy ! " repeatedly . I had little hope . Suddenly I heard a whine and there she stood , looking so lost and alone . I wanted to run to her , but I knew that would be a mistake . I crouched down and kept calling to her , until she was close enough for me to get my arms around her . I 'd run out in such a hurry , I 'd forgotten to get either her collar or a leash , so I carried her all the way home . Nikki grew up to be an extremely intelligent , wise dog who lived to a ripe old age . She loved to try to catch squirrels and she adored having her picture taken . I miss her terribly . I have been checking on Rumble 's site nearly every day and told my husband to watch out for him when he drives on business . I hope that you find him soon and there will be such rejoicing when the first page of the web - site reads , " FOUND ! " " " My husband and I were talking about Rumble and he mentioned an interesting situation that occurred with his German Shepherd Mandy years ago . She was a purebred G . S . with the classic G . S . look . She had disappeared and he searched and called and posted posters etc . . . for over 2 months . Almost everyday he called the local Humane Society and they swore that she was not there . This was in a fairly small town in Vermont . Finally after about 2 months he called one day and a different person answered the phone and said that Mandy was there and had been for over a month ! ! ! " " I had a similar experience to yours however much shorter . We were living in the Wyoming wilderness and it was spring , there was still 6 feet of snow on the ground in the backcountry . I went down to my office til about 3pm and then decided to call the dogs in . I called and called with no success . I called my husband and he got the horn out ( bull horn used to call them in ) . We kept calling and blowing with no success . Suddenly our Hound appeared from the trees looking incredibly tired and wet . No Willow . I was in hysterics and got in the car driving down the 5 mile dirt road to the highway screaming for him . I stopped and asked campers if they had seen him and they reported that they had seen a bunch of people leaving on a hike from the trailhead by my home . I went home feeling a sense of loss and dread and didn 't sleep at all that night . 3 days later I was sure that he was gone for good and I would never see my baby again . There was no way for us to track him that far into the backcountry as it is a very dangerous time of year . The 3rd day we received a call but it was a horrible connection I heard " Willow " through the static and then it cleared up . A woman said she was the leader of a NOLS Training Center Session on a satellite telephone . They were in the backcountry training for rescues etc and it was a 2 month trek . ( From Willow 's tags ) she said " we have Willow " the best words I 've ever heard in my life . Both of our dogs had followed them but the hound turned back . Because they were on a schedule they couldn 't turn around and bring him back . We arranged to have their resupply group bring Willow out with them 10 days later . When we went to get him he was looking slim but healthy ( they had fed him some rice & beans ) . We put him in the truck and a man handed us a folded up note . Willow wouldn 't even look at us for awhile , he seemed to be saying hey I was doing fine why do I have to come back . Hurt my feelings . With Willows tail between his legs we drove home . I got Willow settled in and checked him over , paws were a little sore but otherwise fine . I opened the note and it was from one of the NOLS trainers . She went on to tell me how she really disliked dogs and went into the story of their journey . At the end of the note : " Willow has turned my life upside down , I absolutely love him and he has truly made me a dog - lover in the short time I have known him . " I believe Willow was fated to make his journey to turn this woman around and show her how wonderful the love of a dog can be . I 'm sorry it 's such a long e - mail but there is always hope . Do not despair , Rumble is on a mission fated to him and he will return to you soon . " " I lost my beautiful black lab mix , a number of years ago . She was gone for 4 months and had been rehomed by the local dog shelter . Having lost my dad just days before and coming home to find my home robbed , I sat on the doorstep very upset and down . She appeared around the corner just when I needed her most . We went on to have many more years together after that , and she never left my side again until the day she went to the Rainbow Bridge . " " I was telling my friend about Rumble , and she had an story she wanted to share with you . When she was young , her mother adopted out the family 's German Shepherd to a home a few states away . Guess what ? After two or three months , the dog found its way back to my friend 's yard ! They are truly incredible animals . Rumble will be home some time ; I just know it ! " Siberian Husky in Maryland " I wanted to send a message to you to not give up home . It is surprising how long a dog can go , out in the wild , by themselves . I remember a friend telling me about a Siberian Husky breeder who was involved in a car accident with her dogs in the vehicle . One of the dogs escaped and could not be located . They remained in the area for 2 weeks and still no word of their Husky . Three months later , they received a phone call from a county SPCA telling them that they had a dog that resembled the description of a dog that they had lost ( this SPCA still had the lost dog sign ) . Sure enough , it was their dog ! " Cat in Virginia " One of my cats disappeared 14 years ago when the door was left open by a visitor . She had just nosed around the outside when a neighbor dog scared her and she took off running into the night . She had never been outside before since I brought her home at 8 weeks . I put up flyers , ads , etc . , searched every night . I had just signed a contract on a house and didn 't want to leave until I found her . A month later she reappeared - - 14 years later , she and her sister are sunning themselves on the screened porch while I write this . All this just shows an animal 's love for their human companions . Rumble loves you so much he is finding his way back to you over an incredible journey . " German Shepherd Girl in Canada " I had a young German Shepherd many years ago . I had taken her to my vet to be boarded and spayed while I was out of town for a few days . I had asked them to give her a big run so she would be able to get some exercise , well she did all right - - she scaled that pen and was out . They couldn 't catch her . But when they came into work in the morning , she would be at the door , like she was waiting for me to come and get her . That went on for 4 days . They bought her meat and made her sandwiches , left out water and kibble etc . When I returned , I found out the story . I thought she would come right to me . I tried for over an hour , but she was scared . I went home and got my other dog . She came to him , I was able to get ahold of her , but it took a few hours . My prayers are with you . " " Jean Paul " the Collie " In past , I had two dogs stolen from me . I did , finally manage to track them down and found them living with loving families ( who had not stolen them ) . One was a minister . My Collie had shown up on his doorstop after 3 months . The minister regretfully returned Jean Paul to me and JP lived to be 19 yrs old . I hope you take heart from these stories . Rumble is such a beautiful dog - and knows about being loved . " Beagle Girl " We rescued an abandoned beagle a little over a year ago . She was terribly underweight and by our best guess she was in the woods and on her own for about three months - January thru March ( we could hear her cry but she wouldn 't come near enough for us to gather her up ) . Anyway , the vet told us she probably stayed alive by resorting to eating grass and leaves . Regretfully she also ate dirt to stop the pain in her tummy . To this day she will eat dirt if we don 't get her food when she thinks she needs it ! Dogs are tough and have a tremendous survival instinct . Don 't you worry , Rumble will eat what he needs to keep going . Dogs aren 't fussy , they will eat bugs . If this little 10 - 12 year old Beagle could hang in there , a strong young dog like Rumble will be a - o - k ! " Son " the German Shepherd " As a very young girl our white German Shepherd got loose . I never gave up hope and still remember at night looking out the window and wondering where Son was . Three months later we found him . . . . . . " Richmond Dog " To give you a little hope , two months a go I spotted a dog in the James River Park in Richmond . The owners in desperation had just put up signs in my area several miles from where they were looking . I called them and told them I saw him a few times and they found him two days later . After three WEEKS ! and 15 miles from home . He was not too bad for the ordeal . " " My dad used to hunt with English Setters . When he would lose one of them , he 'd leave his hunting jacket on the ground and the next day , he 'd find the dog laying on it . Good luck ! " " Years ago , I sold an adult Irish Setter to a really nice family . Their fence blew down in a storm and Misty got out of their yard . We looked and looked for her , put up signs , etc . You 'll never guess how we found her . . . . . I knew that during the time I had her when my wind up alarm clock went off in the morning , Misty would have a huge barking fit . So , we drove around the neighborhood late at night when all was pretty quiet and kept setting off the alarm . I 'm sure people thought we were nuts , driving a block at a time and stopping the car to set off the alarm . It worked ! We heard her barking in a backyard . After determining that it was Misty , we knocked on the door and questioned them . They wouldn 't admit finding her until we told them she had a tattoo and that we 'd call the police and prove it . Those people definitely had plans to keep Misty . We had signs up everywhere . They had to have seen them . But , we got her back by using our knowledge of her personality . Because of this experience I had , I got really excited when I read about howling being heard this weekend . Keep Bita and Sharona howling ! Don 't give up ! " " We had a foster Husky / Aussie mix that got loose right off his leash . Without our Beagle , I don 't know if I 'd have ever been able to get him back . She even " faked " an injury to get his attention and have him come over close enough for me to leash him again . She fell down and yelped really loud . He came running to see if she was okay . As soon as I had him leashed up , she sprang up like nothing happened . Beagles are some of the smartest dogs around ! Goodness , Rumble has to be too to be getting home on his own the way it seems ! " " Sarah " in Virginia " Like so many other folks , I live in central Virginia and watch for Rumble on my daily commute . I also check your website every day . A year ago last month , I too lost a dog who ran into the woods at the vets office after being frightened by a vet tech who came up behind her . She had never been separated from her two litter mates or her mother . She also was NOT accustomed to traffic . My instincts told me everything was against her survival . I ( and wonderful friends ) searched for Sarah for three weeks - during the day , at night , putting out food - leaving flyers in the neighborhood , all without success . Discouraged ? You bet . I transposed my human emotions unto her and assumed she felt abandoned . I felt like a failure . On a Wednesday I got a call from her flyer - a landowner thought he had seen her drinking from his pond that morning but when he tried to get near her she ran away into the woods . He told my friend and me we could go anywhere on his property to find her . I looked for hours until it was getting dark . My friend headed to the car but something within me told me to take one last walk through those woods . I walked slowly calling her name over and over again . Out of nowhere shot a much smaller Sarah running so quickly that she crashed head first into my legs sending us both to the ground . We rolled , we tumbled . Her tail wagged endlessly and I couldn 't help crying for the sheer joy of finding her again . I suppose it all comes down to endings . There are happy ones and lost dogs ARE found again and go home where they 're loved . From one four dog owner to another I sincerely wish you all the best and I honestly believe he will be found . You and Rumble are in my " I wanted to share a story with you . I am a part of a rescue organization . At an adoption event in June 2001 one of our dogs that was very shy and had been at the shelter for over a year ( she was brought in as a puppy ) got loose and would not come back . She was very timid as the shelter was all she knew . In August someone saw this dog at a site near where the adoption event occurred , so every day from that point on I put food out . I saw her a few times but she would not come to me . Finally in November I convinced animal control to set a trap , and she was caught and brought to the shelter . My brother and his wife went the next day and adopted her . Today marks her one year anniversary with them and their 3 other dogs . She was out on her own for over 6 months but survived and is doing great ! ! ! So please keep the faith and continue to search and never give up ! ! ! " Three Little Dogs in Texas " Two little Lhasa Apsos in Austin , Tx were found after a few weeks . . . a tiny , tiny Chihuahua in Tx , lost for almost 80 days also made it home . . . Rumble 's turn is next , and our prayers continue in that regard . Happy Thanksgiving from a Canadian friend . " " Jordi " the Lhasa Apso " We first saw our Lhasa Apso Jordi in Oct . 1998 at the side of the road while on the way to the supermarket . He had apparently been stray for some time as his coat was filthy and matted . He was attempting to eat some black stuff by the side of the road . We were unable to catch him but notified the police and he was caught 4 days later in a Have - A - Heart trap . We then adopted him out of the shelter . Estimates by animal control and shelter workers as to how long Jordi had been on his own ranged from 4 months to 1 year . The vet estimated his age at 10 years . Today , he is curled up by my side in his own little bed with his sister Brandy nearby . He is perfectly healthy . Do not lose hope - if a little 10 year old dog can survive on his own for 4 months to 1 year and come out healthy then so can Rumble ! " Dog Survived Despite Hardships " Once , a dog of my family 's was gone for two months . Since he was probably never far from home , we are fairly certain that he spent most of that time caught in the tangled mess where a local hunter found him . I know this may seem a little scary , but the part that I think my give you hope is that he went that long without access to food or water . Though the ordeal was temporarily hard on him , he quickly regained his weight and went on to live 5 more years into his old age . I know you are very worried about Rumble and concerned that he may not be able to make it through this , but I wanted to let you know dogs are very resilient and can overcome incredible hardships . " Home in Virginia After a Decade " We had neighbors whose dog returned home after having been gone for a decade . Apparently , he had been living at a house in a nearby neighborhood . " " Chica " the Chihuahua in Texas " Years ago I had a black and tan Chihuahua that I 'd rescued and kept for my own named Chica . Somehow she got out , slipped her collar , and I was panic stricken ! Even though I was hugely pregnant I walked the streets from sunup to sundown despite swelling ankles and aches crying , posting her picture , asking people if they 'd seen her . During one of these walks I saw a woman letting a little black dog out into her front yard . I ran over yelling for her to wait just as she picked the dog up and was about to return inside . It was my baby ! She was only one block away from home the whole time ! This woman had found her and taken her in out of the kindness of her heart hoping to find the owner she simply hadn 't seen my posters yet . Chica was only missing a few days but they were the longest few days of my life . My heart aches for what you must be going through . I know how horrible it is simply not knowing . I 'll be praying for Rumble and all of you . " Sheltie in New York " Thirteen years ago , when Pooh Bear was a puppy , he was microchipped . He was loved dearly by his family in Florida and went everywhere with them . When Pooh Bear was seven , he disappeared . His family was devastated . For years they waited for good news or even a clue , but finally gave up hope . Then in July 2002 , a woman in Cincinnati found a dirty , matted Pomeranian wandering the streets and took him to a Vet . The Vet scanned the chip - - it was Pooh Bear ! Thanks to the microchip , the Vet was able to trace the dog back to his family in Florida . The family was ecstatic ! Pooh Bear and his family were happily reunited . No one has any idea how Pooh Bear got from Florida to Ohio , but now , thanks to the microchip , he 's home with his family . " ( To read the full story in the St . Petersburg Times , " I 'm sure you have heard your share of lost dog stories since you lost Rumble . . . I wanted to share ours with you if you have a minute or two . . . I discovered your web site when we lost our dog , Charlie , that we were " safe - housing . " He was rescued several months ago from a very bad situation and was a very scared and nervous hound dog mix , about 18 months to 2 years old . Everything the dog saw was new to him , including human contact and affection . But he was coming along well in our home with our three cats and we had hope that he would adjust well and be happy with us for the long - term . We had only had him for one week when my husband had him out for a walk on his leash and he spooked and pulled his leash so hard , it slipped out of my husband 's hand . They both realized that Charlie was " free " at the same moment and Charlie bolted . We immediately made signs and posted them all over the county . We started receiving calls reporting sightings within a day , although a few times there were 4 or more days between sightings , which sure was discouraging - we just hoped he was hanging out away from the roads and staying on the farms . The problem was that we couldn 't imagine how any human being could " catch " him , as Charlie was so afraid of people , he certainly would never approach someone , probably not even for food . We basically were able to determine that he seemed to be running in a 1 . 5 to 2 mile radius around our home . ( We actually saw him wander across our yard four days after he disappeared , but couldn 't catch him for anything ! ) A farmer sighted Charlie on his farm several times , so the animal control office let us borrow a trap for a weekend to see if we could lure him into that . No success . We had to return the trap , but my husband ordered one to see if we could catch him on our own property . We expected to catch every living creature , including everyone else 's lost dogs before ever catching Charlie . But to our surprise and delight , the second night we had the trap , we heard the bell that we had attached to the door " Hank " the Sheltie " We moved into a new neighborhood in February . We noticed that everywhere we went we saw signs / posters about Hank , a Sheltie who had been missing since the previous November . Hank , who had been a very spoiled housedog all of his life , had escaped through the front door when a guest was leaving . A pack of wild dogs just happened to be passing through at the time and Hank took off with them . The frustrating thing to Hank 's owners was that people in the immediate neighborhood kept calling to say that they had seen Hank ( usually stealing from their trashcan or eating the cat 's food ) but by the time the owners got to where he had been seen , Hank was always gone . My husband and I decided that we had to help return Hank to his owners . We had just built a huge pen in our backyard to house our two , brand new , golden retriever puppies . Unfortunately , the pups were highly insulted that we wanted them to live in a pen - they decided on day one that they would be house dogs . So we had this $ 700 pen with no tenant . We put food out in the pen for them to eat but they flat - out refused to eat there . So each evening there would be food left in the pen ( while the Goldens slept peacefully in the den ) . Every morning when we got up the food was gone . We weren 't sure who was eating the food but my husband just had a hunch that it was Hank . So on Friday night he rigged up this long rope to the door of the pen and decided to stay up all night , if necessary , to see who was eating the food . Around 11 : 30 p . m . we saw an animal approaching the pen . Unfortunately , we had set the food right by the pen door , so when my husband pulled the rope to close the door on the pen , it scared off the scavenger . We were able to catch a quick glimpse and we were sure that it was Hank . We figured that we had blown it but we thought we would try one more time . So we moved the food way back in the pen and proceeded to wait . By now , it was approaching 1 : 30 a . m . and we were kind of giving up hope . All of a sudden , we see this animal carefully creeping up towards Two Dogs in North Carolina A couple in North Carolina recently got two young adult dogs . After they had them only a few days , one dog managed to nose open a door as the man was entering . As he tried to catch one dog 's collar , the other dog slipped by him . In the confusion , they both managed to get away . Instantly they disappeared into the woods behind their home . The couple gathered up some friends , and began trying to find the dogs in the woods . As darkness fell , they knew their search efforts were going to fail . The friends left . They continued to search in the dark . Finally , they returned to the house . At this point , they called a friend who was familiar with Rumble 's site and Debbie Hall 's " LostDogSearch Manual . " Referring to the " First Response , Immediate Duties of Searcher ( s ) " section , she advised them to lay a kibble and raw meat trail from the place where the dogs entered the woods back into the fenced yard . They also decided to put the dog crates in the back yard and put full food bowls in the crates along with the blankets the dogs slept on in the crates . They opened the fence gates all the way so as be flush with the fence . They also opened the garage door and door leading from the house to garage and put food in the garage . They then turned off all of the lights in the house and turned on the outdoor light on the deck , which is attached to the house and within the fenced yard . They waited . In about 15 minutes the dogs appeared from the woods following the food trail , but veered off course to the side of the yard opposite the gate opening . Then the dogs again disappeared into the dark . Since his windows were open , the friend , with Debbie Hall 's manual in hand , told them to go into the kitchen and noisily pour kibble into a metal pan , a sound which the dogs associated with feeding time . Suddenly the dogs appeared in the front yard . They continued around the house and entered the fenced backyard , having picked up again on the food trail . They went to their crates and began eating . The man slipped out the open door leading to the garage , out the already opened garage door and around the corner to the fence gates , which he quickly closed . The dogs were safe ! We have received several more stories but are still going through the hundreds of e - mails Rumble has received to try to locate them . As we find them , we will add them here . ( If you sent us a story about finding your lost pet that isn 't posted here and would be willing to re - send your e - mail if you still have a copy , that would be welcome ! ) |
Autograph ! Click below for a personal digital autograph from me ! Stories That Matter Stores that matter are stories that make me feel , invigorate me or serve as a call to action for me . Stories that matter are stories that awaken my spirit to issues , be they spiritual , emotional , moral , social or a combination . Stories that matter are stories that call all my emotions into play : sadness , anger , grief , happiness , despair , joy , etc . Stories that make me think . Stories that provide me with indulgences , like romance , but that , at their core , have something important to say . Some stories are written with the intent of providing the reader with an escape from real life ; stories that matter , however , are written to make readers - - more aware - - of reality ; to provoke compassion and empathy , love and hate , anger and grief . Stories that matter are the occurrences , catastrophes , triumphs , frustrations and joys of every day life : welcome to my collection of thoughts , feelings , idiosyncrasies , hopes and dreams - - - collectively known as Stories that Matter . Subscribe to Stories ! Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email . Aria glanced up from her bed . " Come in , " she answered and watched as her grandmother opened the door , only a crack at first , then fully . Aria knew by looking at Sally what was coming . " It 's church time . Sure you don 't wanna come ? " Aria shook her head . " No . " She was still angry at God , angry at Him for what He 'd allowed to happen to her . Angry at him for choosing to ignore pretty much all of her prayers . She couldn 't pretend to be devoted to Him as the people in church did . Hearing about how great He was could easily snap her fragile grip on anger . She 'd be better , and her grandparents would be better , if she stayed away from the church . " I 'm going to stay here . " Sally hesitated but , eventually , nodded . " Okay , sweetie . We 'll be back in a few hours , then . " She started to close the bedroom door but , before she did , hesitated . " Aria ? " Aria 's eyes fell to her wrist , around which she wore the red bracelet the homeless man gave her . " There 's a homeless guy that hangs out by the station , where I got hired . He made it and gave it to me for free . He said I just had to make him a promise to help homeless people . " Sally smiled , her head lifting . " No . I know of him . I 've seen him . But he 's never approached me . Smitty told me his name and that he 's trying to help the homeless . " Aria frowned and looked down at the red bracelet . It was red yarn , only about an eighth of an inch in thickness , not very big - but it had been twined in a very pretty and delicate way . Aria 's thoughts returned to Joey multiple times that day as she found herself unable to think about much else . Why was a homeless man trying to help the other homeless when he should have been more focused on getting himself a job , and a house ? How could he not ask for money ? Was it just a clever ploy - a homeless man who approaches people giving them bracelets and asking only for a promise in turn would almost certainly find himself the recipient of more offered donations than if he just asked for the money to begin with . Something from the look in his face , though , made Aria believe it wasn 't a ploy - he was genuinely trying to raise awareness to the plight of the homeless while at the same time ignoring his own plight . Was that sacrifice noble or ridiculous ? He was probably the first person Aria ever met who just didn 't seem to care about money . His eyes , which Aria could still vividly recall , shone and his smile , that wonderfully warm and alive smile , had been genuine . He sincerely seemed and acted happy . Was he the bearer of some mental disorder that made him loss touch with reality ? Was he homeless by choice ? Who would make such a choice ? Aria exhaled and glanced away from her bracelet . She looked around her room to distract herself until her eyes fell on the shadow box she 'd brought down from the attic , the one that held the mementos of her father 's childhood . She sat up and reached down to pick up the box . As she stared at the transformers and the G . I . Joes she wondered what it was that her dad had needed . What had he needed in himself , or from Lianna , to transform ? Holding her breath , Aria turned her ignition in the car given to her by her grandparents . As promised , their mechanic fixed its mechanical problems but , as also promised , the car was ancient . It was a 1960s Chevrolet with chipped pale blue paint and a passenger 's side door that only opened when it felt like it . Sometimes the car cranked and sometimes it didn 't , which was a major problem the mechanic couldn 't explain without a diagnostics test . Eventually , she 'd have to drive to the nearest town and have that done . For now , though , she kind of liked that her car had a personality well - matched to her own . Like the car , sometimes she was compliant and sometimes she wasn 't . Thankfully today , however , it started and Aria pulled out of the driveway . She didn 't know where she was going or what she wanted to do . All she knew was that she needed to get out of the house and that driving provided her mind with a welcome distraction . Soon she was driving the two lane road towards town , and absently flipped the radio on to the local pop staion . When she did she heard someone whose voice she didn 't recognize singing " Amazing Grace . " Aria 's entire body stilled . How did that happen ? The radio had been turned to a pop station , not a gospel one , and yet , there it was , the song she always loved and sang with her mother , blaring out of the warbly static - filled ancient radio speakers . Aria slowly pulled her hand away from the radio knob and listened to the second verse . Then she swallowed past the lump in her throat and gripped the wheel with both hands . Her mouth opened . " My chains are - " but then she cleared her throat , unable to complete the sentence . Her chains were not gone and , besides , she didn 't even want to sing . She had a cough that appeared quite suddenly now , too . Irritated and more deeply troubled than she wanted to admit , she reached out and turned the radio . She didn 't want to listen to music right now , anyway . The silence , though , only amplified the sound of her racing heart . Her insides felt quivery , as though she were on the ocean , on the verge of getting seasick . She was vaguely uncomfortable , but she didn 't want to know why . She could feel the thud - thud - thud of her heart , too , as she heard the sound of the other cars whizzing past her . It amazed her at what speeds the locals traveled this two lane road with its unimaginably horrific sharp turns . She blinked , reminding herself that not paying attention to the road was as dangerous as traveling it at crazy high speeds . She gripped the wheel with both hands and focused on the road stretched out ahead of her . She could feel the wheel 's warm vibration beneath her hands . Suddenly , the car began to make her feel claustrophobic : she needed fresh air . Swallowing the anxious lump in her throat , she quickly turned the ancient handle and rolled the window down . The wind slapped her in the face but instantly made her feel better . The roar of the wind and the road seemed to calm her nerves and she took a long , deep breath , grateful for the crisp , fresh air . She drove a few more minutes when a she saw an old woman , sitting on the side of the road . Aria 's jade green eyes slid towards her without turning her head . The old lady was humped over , her arms clutching an old bag . Her mud - brown hair stringy , and in bad need of a brush . She wore a gray , old and torn baggy shirt and a pair of equally dirty and faded pair of jeans . She was homeless . Aria groaned and frowned but kept driving . As she passed the old woman , she eased her hand up higher on the steering wheel , gripping it , and as she did , she caught sight of her bracelet . She 'd made a promise . How was she supposed to help someone who didn 't appear to even really want help ? Besides that , how big was this town , anyway ? How had the only two homeless people in the vicinity find their way into her world ? In a town just barely big enough for a Wal - Mart , why were there any homeless people at all ? Suddenly , Aria turned onto a small , narrow side road . She did not know where he was going but that was okay . She just wanted to go somewhere quiet , somewhere she 'd never been . She wished she wouldn 't keep picturing Joey 's face . It bothered her that Joey was happy . It bothered her that he smiled at all . Maybe being homeless wasn 't as bad as she 'd always assumed it was . She scratched that idea , though , the moment her stomach muscles tightened and growled with hunger . Being hungry and unable to buy a meal would be terrible any way it was looked at . The road was narrow now , blanketed by thick trees on either side . It was gravel , too , and seemed to be especially windy , like the other road . On up ahead was a guardrail on one side and a tall mountain of rock on the other . When she glanced to her right , she saw light clouds over a sun that was slowly sinking below the horizon . In her mind 's eye , she saw her father 's old toys . Making something into something else . She thought of Joey , the homeless bracelet - maker but before she could dwell on him , she noticed an entry to a park . Without thinking twice , she turned the car into the entrance . Dense trees greeted her on both sides of the one lane narrow drive . She passed a pasture and finally saw the sign that read " Picnic Area " along with an arrow pointing to the left . Aria followed the sign , and soon came upon a small playground and about a dozen picnic tables . She also saw a trailhead . She parked and , as she got out , her eyes scanned her new surroundings . It looked deserted - she didn 't see another car and couldn 't see or hear any sign of life around her . She supposed most everyone in the town was at church . She headed for the trail - a day alone in the sanctuary of a quiet park sounded like just what she needed . Slowly , Aria opened her eyes and stared upward . She 'd been in this same spot all day . The sky now looked gray and a few stars had popped out of hiding . She guessed it was about dinner time now . She must have fallen asleep , she realized , as she slowly sat up from the ground . Along the trail she 'd hiked up , she 'd found a patch of land perfectly manicured , with nothing but a picnic table in its midst . She 'd sat on the ground for a rest but the shade of the tree above her and the sweet song of the birds lulled her into lying down on the soft grass . The next thing she knew , her eyes drifted shut . Now it was dinnertime . She needed to get back . Sally and Frank would be worried and would never even think to look in these woods for her . Still , she knew she 'd found what was to become her secret place , for the secluded park gave her solace and peace . Minutes later , she slid back into the car and was wondering if she 'd find her way out when she turned the key . The car choked , spurted and died . " Oh man , come on , " Aria coaxed and tried again , this time pumping the gas a little . It choked again , and died . Aria exhaled and sat still , staring at the wheel . Then she leaned forward and turned the key again . It spurted but started this time . Relaxing , Aria reached out and turned the air down and her lights on . What a peaceful and relaxing day she 'd had . She couldn 't help but wish she could just stay there in the hideaway park . Back at Allen and Audry 's , she probably would have , all night , and let them worry . But she still didn 't want to unduly upset Sally and Frank , who were being so kind to her and were making every effort to make her comfortable . Suddenly , the car spurted again . Aria gripped the wheel with both hands and frowned . " Don 't do it , don 't do it , don 't do it , " she muttered . When she leaned forward to peer outside the windshield , she could see a small line of smoke coming from under the hood . " Uh - oh . " She was back on the main road . Unfortunately , the " main " road was the two lane gravel road townsfolk probably had long ago forgot existed . Aria slowed but kept the car going . Suddenly , it jerked forward and came to a screeching halt . Aria leaned back against the car , biting her lip and frowning . Now what ? She knew she was too far from the house to walk . But ahead , about two blocks , was a gas station . She remembered passing it on the way up the steep road . She could walk there and call Sally and Frank to come get her . She was glad the weather was pleasant : warm but not hot . The street was dark but not completely black , thanks to the stars that now covered the entire sky . In the city , or the suburb , there were not stars like there were here . Here , it looked like every inch of the dark night sky was covered with a bright white star , always blinking at her . Back at Audry 's , it seemed like the stars only sparsely decorated the night sky . The astronomy class she 'd taken told her that was because of the pollution and business and street lights of the cities as opposed to small towns and countrysides . Whatever the cause , Aria was thankful that out here the stars shone brightly . She dug her hands into her pockets and lowered her head . The only noise she could hear were the sounds of her feet crunching the gravel road and locusts in the trees . Crickets too sang . Every so often , she could hear movement in the trees as a deer or some other type of animal darted across the fallen leaves and branches deeper into the woods . Relief flowed freely through her when she finally reached the top of the hill and could see the gas station . She knew it was closed but there might be a payphone on the other side from which she could call home . She didn 't , at first , notice the figure sitting on the porch steps of the gas station . Her feet picked up speed as she walked towards the pay phone she 'd finally spotted . The figure on the steps grew more pronounced and some part of her mid registered that it was Joey but still , she ran ahead . All the way back on the other side of the store she 'd spotted the phone and her only concern was getting to it . She didn 't know this town yet and being alone in the dark certainly wasn 't her idea of fun . She reached the payphone and picked it up . That 's when it hit her : she did not have any money with her . She 'd left the house this morning with non - the way she saved money was by controlling the amount she was able to spend . If she didn 't have any on her , then she couldn 't spend it . Usually , that worked in her favor because it meant that when she needed money , she had it . Now , she didn 't have the . 35 cents it cost to make the call to Sally and Frank . She was really stranded now . Her only hope , and it was a slim one , was to return to the car and hope it cranked , after having over an hour to cool off . Suddenly overwhelmed with despair and fear , Aria sat down on the concrete , in front of the phone . Why couldn 't she have a good day , from start to finish ? Just one ? Why didn 't something always have to go wrong ? She covered her face with her hands and leaned forward . She just wanted to cry . After having such a peaceful time in the park why did the night still bring its customary heaviness and sense of hopelessness ? Aria 's head jerked up . Joey stood several feet away from her , his head tipped down . He wore the same gray and filthy clothes as before , his hands were deeply darkened by the sun . He looked old tonight and weary - except for his eyes , which still shone brightly . " Look , I don 't have anything to give you . " Aria said pointedly , irritated that he 'd ask her for money now , when she didn 't even have the thirty - five cents it took to make a telephone call . " Nothin ' . " She repeated and buried her hands in her face , hoping he 'd go away . He smiled brightly , the effect awesome in the way it totally transformed his sun - damaged , aged and filthy face into something beautiful . " Nope , I don 't . You 're right . That I don 't . But , " he shrugged . " Then again , Jesus didn 't have a house either . That 's why He went to the mountains , you know . " Joey laughed and sat down beside her , exhaling harshly . Still , his smile remained . Aria looked down and then closed her eyes . " I just want to go home , " she said softly . " Because my car broke down and I can 't call my grandparents . I left my money at home . So stupid , " she muttered , shaking her head . " You have feet , don 't you ? " Joey asked and Aria slanted him a glacial stare . " Yes , I have feet . But it is a very long way back to my house . I cannot walk there . It 'd take me all night , at least . I know I can 't do it because when I ran away I wasn 't able to walk as far as I 'd intended before I had to call a cab . " Joey looked down at his hand and used one fingernail to clean a smudge of dirt out from under a fingernail on the opposite hand . Idly , Aria wondered why he bothered . " I 'm Joey . " A long moment of silence passed before Aria sighed heavily and stood . " No sense sitting here . I guess I better walk back to the car anyway . " She held up a hand . " See ya . " She 'd taken four steps when she heard him shuffle his feet into a standing position . " Aria ? " his sandpaper rough voice asked and she turned halfway around to see him reaching into the pockets of his gray pants . She frowned and turned completely around to face him , taking two steps towards him . " Let 's just see what I 've got here , " and he pulled out his hand , with several coins in it . Picking one up with a grubby finger , he began to count . " Let 's see now , this here 's a quarter . That 's twenty - five and I 've got one , two nickels . Hey , " he added brightly , looking up with a brilliant smile . Aria dryly noted he actually looked proud . " That 's about just enough for the phone , ain 't it ? " " Here ya go , " he added , his tone happy and sincere , without any trace of resentment or reluctance . Indeed , the pride he felt for having the amount of change she needed now resonated in his voice . He seemed so genuinely happy , even though that thirty five cents would have got him a can Coke to drink the next day . " But … . but … . " Aria took a step closer to him and looked at his outstretched hand . In it , the three coins glittered as the man 's hand slightly shook . Suddenly the realization hit Aria hard . She did not want to take Joey 's money . She knew he needed it far worse than she did . " Oh , I 'll be alright . It 's thirty five cents . I reckon I 've been without thirty five cents before and I 've been okay . " Before she could convince herself not to do it , Aria took the selfish route and reached out , taking the coins . Joey grinned brightly at her , his dazzling smile stretching from one of his ears to the other . Bending her head , she hurried to the phone and dialed home , trying to stomp out the guilty that was quickly devouring her insides . When she got off the phone with her worried grandmother , Aria turned to find Joey . He 'd walked away and was sitting again on the store 's porch step . Aria nodded . Her heart heavy and confused , she turned to walk away . She 'd taken several steps before she turned back to look at Joey again . " Joey ? " " Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury . Many rich people threw in large amounts . But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins , worth only a fraction of a penny . The first time she 'd read it , Aria immediately thought it was Joey 's way of telling her that he just wanted to be like Jesus . That , even though he didn 't have much , it was still all he had and was , therefore , worthy . The second time she read it , she wondered briefly about what the disciples would have thought . After all , the more money a church had , the more good it could do for the people . Half a penny wouldn 't accomplish anything . The third time she read the passage , Aria thought of the widow . How terribly frightening it would have been to put in her last coin . Yet , she did it out of love for God , and out of faithfulness and hope . Jesus must have cared more about one person than He did about the church as a business . To give all one had showed a great deal of sacrifice . And love . Joey didn 't even know her . He gave her his last coins because he wanted to help , because thirty - five cents wouldn 't have been able to get him anything significant anyway , because she was young and he felt sorry for her . But not because he loved her . He didn 't know her . Still , suddenly , Aria felt even more guilty and worried about accepting the thirty - five cents than she 'd been in the first place . She didn 't want anyone , let alone a homeless stranger , giving her all he had . He wasn 't hard to find . He 'd returned to his old haunt , the gas station she worked at . He sat there , on the porch step is his only pair of clothes , with a look of contentment on his face . With one finger , he scraped under the nail of a finger on the opposite hand , just as he had the night before . It must be habit , Aria decided . He glanced up when he heard her footsteps . " Can I … . " she trailed but he seemed to understand , as he lifted himself off the porch and sauntered towards her . She held out a dollar bill . " Here 's the change you lent me back … . with interest , " she added with a smile . He shrugged both shoulders and shook his head . " That 's alright , you don 't have to do that . " Aria hesitated . " No , but I want to . It was your last bit of change and … I … " she shrugged and outstretched the dollar bill . " I just mean … really , it 's okay … just take it . " Joey smiled at her but shook his head . " How about we make a deal : if I need something to eat real bad or something else sometime , you help me out . If not , we just call it even . " Slowly , Aria put the dollar bill away , in her pocket , shaken . Never had she ever been able to imagine a homeless person refusing money . She looked down at her shoe ; she shuffled her foot and gave a slight inclination of her head . Joey turned to walk away but had only taken two steps when he heard her voice . " Why 'd you do it ? You trying to be Jesus or something ? " Joey took a deep breath and started walking . Aria reluctantly followed him . When you give all you got , you 're showing trust and love and sacrifice . That 's the shortest and easiest interpretation of the widow 's mite . " " Well , I try to live like that . Jesus ' teaching are some of the most peaceful and loving ever recorded . " Joey lifted a shoulder and walked across the road . Before she realized their destination , they were at the white church . Joey sat down on the church steps and put his elbow on his knee . Aria stood , arms crossed over her chest , guarded . Curiosity , though , kept her listening and interested . " I don 't need much to be happy . So long as I 'm alive , I should be happy about it . " Joey shrugged . " People worship money . I don 't . " Aria shifted her weight from one foot to the other and tipped her head to the side . " But you gotta eat . It 's not normal for you to give up the money you got . You need it more than me . " Aria couldn 't say anything about that . He was right . She finally took deep breath and looked down at her crossed arms . " So what do you think Jesus meant by the telling the widow 's mite ? " " He was telling us to happily sacrifice all we 've got for somebody else because when you do that , " he shrugged , and started cleaning under a fingernail again . " Well , when you do that , it can change things for somebody . Make ' em believe . Make ' em hope . Cause the only thing anybody really wants is to believe that somebody cares . He was also telling us that it 's one of the greatest ways we can follow Him . If you put all you got into something then you usually pay attention to it . You usually end up loving it a little - or a lot . Bible says you can 't have two gods - you can either worship and live by money or you can live for Him and trust that He 'll take care of you . " " And what if you do that and He don 't ? You don 't have a house . You don 't have food . It doesn 't look like God 's taking too good of care of you . " Joey smiled and tipped his head back , squinting into the sun . " Well , I reckon that sometimes my idea of what it means to be taken care of and His idea ain 't the same thing but I trust that He knows what He 's doin ' . Even when I don 't . Isn 't that what faith is , anyhow ? " Aria lay in bed , watching the shadows from the moon outside dance across her ceiling . She didn 't know what time it was , but she knew that she 'd been awake since she 'd laid down . Alls he seemed to think about was Joey . Assuming there was a God , what did He think of her , in regards to what she gave to other people ? Did she give at all ? She tried to think of a time when she 'd given something of value to someone else . She couldn 't think of a single thing . All she ever thought about , it seemed , was what had not been given to her . Along the way , she 'd created more problems for the adults in her life than she had joy and she certainly hadn 't been friendly towards the other kids at school : she 'd physically attacked the vast majority at one point or another . They hadn 't been nice to her , either , but , then again , the Bible didn 't put exceptions on the kind of people she was supposed to be nice too . She thought there was even a place in the Bible that said she was supposed to " turn the other cheek " towards those that wronged her . Ruefully , she laughed shortly to herself as she stared at the ceiling and thought of that . The widow gave all her money to the church , even though she couldn 't guarantee it would be put to good use . She 'd given them the coin out of hope and faith , she 'd put it in the church treasury , but in her heart she was giving it to God out of trust , hope and love . She 'd done it , too , knowing that it would mean she 'd be penniless , with no way to purchase food or anything else she 'd undoubtedly need . The only way someone would love someone or something enough to give up their last penny was if that person believed that they would , in turn , be taken care of . But the poor rarely became rich - or even financially stable . How could they , then , praise God for taking care of their needs ? Aria used the thumb of one hand to gently run over the wrist of her other hand . Her fingers skimmed the scars there and , for the first time , she felt … confused … over her cuts . She 'd made them because she 'd been hurt . She 'd had good reason to be hurt . Yet … she 'd always had a roof over her head , and food given to her . There had always been someone who took the time to care , even if she wasn 't able to recognize it at the time . Mrs . Dukakis from the school had cared - now Aria could see that . Audry had cared . Evelyn probably had , too : she 'd just been overwhelmed by Aria 's needs . Her grandmother loved her , Aria knew , even if she couldn 't care for her . Now she was here , at her grandparents , and they made no attempt to hide their love for her : it had been abundantly clear since she 'd called them , asking for help though she barely knew them . Suddenly , she felt as though she actually had quite a bit to be thankful for . Allen had done what he 'd done , but hadn 't she allowed it ? Even if not , even if she held no accountability on that point , did it give her the right to be selfish with her affections for others who were good to her ? Something felt off about the cuts , something didn 't feel quite right . Usually , whenever she felt the scars , a part of her wanted to find a razor to inflict more cuts upon her skin . Now she just felt … . confused . " How do you like the job ? " Sally asked the next morning as she and Aria worked in the garden . Aria leaned down to pull a weed and shrugged . " It 's okay . We never get busy . " The sun was hot already , though it was still fairly early in the day . Aria could feel it beating down on the back of her neck and she wondered if the straw hat Sally wore really made that much difference . Sally didn 't look hot - at least , nowhere near as hot as Aria felt . Still , there was something satisfying about seeing the first stems break through the ground and knowing that that would be an edible pumpkin in a few months . There was something satisfying about yanking up stubborn weeds : it reminded her of pulling up the bad stuff in life so that the good stuff could grow . She 'd yanked up her own roots by running away and , out here on Sally and Frank 's farm , she knew it had been a good decision . Sally smiled briefly and arched her brows . " When he was real little , he did . But then , he sort of grew out of it . At first , it was just like playing in the dirt - typical boy paradise - but later , when he realized it was actually hard work that involved commitment , what with the pulling up weeds and watering and all , well , " she shrugged and stood , pulling off a glove and using the back of her hand to wipe her forehead . " He decided there was other stuff he liked better . " " Hmm , most boys get into trouble now and again , especially after they age a bit . Your dad was no exception . " A slight pause and then Sally bent back down to the weeds . " He was a good kid . He might have forgotten some of the things a farm teaches kids but … . I don 't think anybody blamed him for wanting more . It is a simple life here . " Aria was quiet for a long time , focusing on her work with the weeds and then , using the hoe to make a new row for new seeds . " It sounds like he changed a lot from when he was a really young boy to when he was a kid . " Aria said it carefully while , from the corner of her eye , watching her grandmother 's face for signs of something she couldn 't identify . Sally 's shoulders stiffened and she pursed her lips . After a long moment 's pause , she reached over for a hand shovel and arched her brows . Without looking at Aria , she said quietly , " People change . " Aria frowned and watched Sally walk away from the garden , calling that she was going to fix herself a snack and Aria should , too . Instead , Aria pulled up several more weeds , thinking about the little Sally had said , before the heat finally propelled her up onto her own feet and towards the house . As she walked , she wondered if there could be a chance that she didn 't really want to know whatever secrets her grandparents might be hiding from her about her dad . Maybe they were right and it was better left unsaid . Then , she pictured her mother . She remembered singing with her . She remembered going to church with her . She remembered helping her clean the house . But when she tried to picture her father , the only thing she could remember was the night he 'd shot her mother and then himself . Somehow , she remembered feeling love from him , but she didn 't have any concrete memory by which to know him and , as she walked , she still firmly believed she needed to know him . Aria put her hands in her pockets and walked along the sidewalk . Across the street was the gas store she worked at , the old Kmart was in front of her . The white church wasn 't far behind her . The stars were out already and the shops vacant . Smitty would be closing the gas station in a few minutes and the checker players would go home . The town looked deserted in the evenings , like a ghost town . No lights , except for the stars , no people , no noise except for Ace who slept on the porch of the gas station and occasionally would trod along the town 's sidewalks , scavenging for bits of food or a rabbit to chase . It still awed Aria to think that a town , even a small one , could actually just stop . In the city , that didn 't happen . Most stores might close but even Kmart stayed open til at least nine or ten and the gas stations were mostly twenty - four hour in the city . Here , people would come out and sit in a chair on their porch for hours , without actually accomplishing anything . That still would drive Aria crazy within the first hour but she was slowly beginning to appreciate feeling as though she had plenty of time . She particularly enjoyed her evening walks . Sally and Frank didn 't understand why she didn 't take her walks closer to the house , where there weren 't any paved roads but Aria enjoyed looking at the empty stores and thinking about how , just an hour or two earlier , they 'd been alive with noises and people . Even on the slowest day , someone , if only the employees of the other stores , milled about in the shops . She often found herself wondering who those people were and why they were here , in this one traffic light town where everyone knew everyone and where the most exciting thing the reporters had to talk about was when Ace chased a cat up a tree . Aria tipped her head back to rest on her neck and studied the stars . She had never been able to find the constellations but she enjoyed trying . She also enjoyed the slight breeze that slapped her gently across the cheek and the feel of isolation . One moment , she wanted companionship and longed for someone to laugh with and talk to while the very next minute , she just wanted to be left alone . Odd how that happened . Aria lifted her head and when she opened her eyes , she saw a homeless man shuffling his way down the street , coming towards her , his head bent , his clothes identical to Joey 's and the homeless woman she 'd seen near the park . A picture of Joey came to mind , immediately followed again by the question of exactly how many homeless people did this small town have ; how did the homeless manage to find their way here , to the one town without a homeless shelter . They must wonder in from the town twenty miles away but why would they want to stay here when they were likely to find more help in a place with more people ? The man had a coat on that was torn and dirty and , like Joey , several of his toes were covered by an ace bandage . In his hand , he carried a small cardboard sign . Aria 's eyes focused on that sign as she drew closer to the man . Even though he undoubtedly heard her approach , he did not lift his head or eyes towards her . The simple act filled Aria with tenderness . How hopeless he must feel , if he didn 't even have the heart anymore to try . Still , she said nothing , only kept her eyes trained on his cardboard sign as her feet walked , one in front of the other , along the road . The sign was upside down and sideways but Aria finally got close enough to read the words " homeless veteran . " The strings on her heart pulled , but still , she said nothing , swallowing past a lump in her throat . Then , from no where , as she kept walking the opposite way past the homeless man , she saw an image of Joey in her head . Joey had given her thirty five cents when he had not had thirty six . " I promise . " She 'd made a direct promise to help these people . " Hey . Hey , wait , " she said and walked the few steps back to catch up with the homeless man . He stopped and turned his head to her but still he kept his eyes trained on the ground . Aria lifted a shoulder . " You a veteran ? " she asked casually and the man lifted his eyes for the briefest moment , barely inclining it . " Yes . " Aria swallowed . Even teenagers knew how awful that war had been . She suddenly looked down and started fumbling in her pocket , finally pulling out her wallet . She withdrew a twenty dollar bill , frowning . She didn 't really want to give him twenty dollars - but the only other thing she had was a one dollar bill and some change . That didn 't seem like enough to have bothered him for . She hesitated long enough that she pictured Joey as he 'd handed her the thirty five cents . He 'd been delighted , genuinely happy , to give her his last dime . Then she remembered how Jesus ' said that someone who gave their all gave more than someone who chose not to . The Bible , Joey reminded her , said she couldn 't have more than one god . It was either love or money . Before she could think more , she held out the twenty dollar bill . When he stared at it without moving , sympathy crept into Aria 's heart . She 'd felt the same way about taking Joey 's change as this homeless person felt about taking a twenty dollar bill from a teenager . Quickly , she reached into the wallet and pulled out the other dollar . Then she waited for him to take all twenty one dollars . Aria smiled briefly and then waved . " You 're welcome . Good night . " And then she walked away . But as she did , she remembered the hopeful shimmer in the man 's eye as he reached out to accept the money with a hand that shook . Aria smiled . For the first time in a long time , she was proud of herself . Joey nodded . After a moment he lifted a shoulder . " Most people feel sorry for the homeless but when they look at their hard - earned money all they can think about is everything they 've got to do with it . Bills , you know , makes them nervous about giving money to someone they hadn 't budgeted giving money too . " Aria frowned and looked down at her hamburger . When she looked up , she squinted one eye . " But that 's kind of a selfish mentality … if you want to know where your money was used . You should just be worried about giving the person help . When I gave him my money , I was rewarded when I saw his eyes as he took the money . It was like he couldn 't believe I was doing it . " " Maybe that 's what the widow 's mite means too . Maybe it was easier for her to give her all because she wasn 't thinking about food or bills or anything else that she could have used that penny for . She was just thinking about how much she wanted God to see that she loved Him . " " I wonder - " but the rest of Aria 's words faded as her eyes lifted to scan the small diner they were in . When her focus didn 't shift , Joey turned his head to follow her gaze . When he saw that a young man , a few years older than Aria , with blonde hair and a cowboy hat , was the reason for her distraction , he rolled his eyes and redirected his own attention back to his burger . " Oh for the love of heaven , just go say hello . " Joey demanded but Aria vehemently shook her head . " No . I couldn 't . I - I mean , he is - " she shrugged , her eyes never leaving the guy 's face . " He 's okay and all but I 'm sure he 's got , you know , a girlfriend . " Joey grunted , saying nothing . Aria 's gaze involuntarily slid back to the most beautiful thing this side of heaven . His blonde hair and lean cheekbones , his dark skin , the way he wore his cowboy hat . Aria would have continued staring at him except , out of the blue , he turned his head in her direction . Her eyes dropped to the table , a blush rose to her own cheeks and she pretended to study the fingernails on her right hand . Joey scoffed and leaned back . " Okay , okay that 's about all I can handle . I am out of here . We 'll have to finish our conversation on the Bible some other time . " " Hello , " he said , his voice tinged with amusement . Obviously , she thought dryly , he was used to gawking girls . Tentatively , she lifted her head . " Hi . " Aria 's flush deepened . Before she could think of a reply , he added , " But I couldn 't help but wonder who you are . I mean , round these parts , I know bout everybody . " Aria nodded , lifting her brows . " That wouldn 't be hard , though , would it ? I mean , there 's , what - twenty residents , total ? " Aria knew he 'd asked her something but she couldn 't process what it was until she distantly heard Joey 's rough chuckle . Name ! He 'd asked her name , she frantically remembered , followed by panic : what was her name ? Aria nodded , saying nothing because she didn 't know what to say . Finally , Aria averted her gaze until he spoke again . " Maybe one day soon I can give you a tour of this town . Have you been downtown yet ? " He just grinned but Joey made a choked chuckle of surprise . His laughing eyes said he was thoroughly enjoying this . Mortified , Aria squeezed her eyes . " Uh , right . A tour . Anytime . I work at Smitty 's . " Without another word , he turned and walked back to his group of friends . Aria watched him leave and then , slowly , shifted her focus back to Joey . The diner seemed to have regained more of its original oxygen supply and the heat slowly receded from her face as air finally filled her deprived lungs . " Whew , " she said , exhaling a nice , deep breath . Then , smiling like a kid , she added , " Gone with the Wind is one of the greatest love stories ever written . " Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
It 's the end of May and not a moment too soon . Not that May has been a bad month . It 's just that these days , I 'm in a hurry for time to pass . Not all time . . . just the next several weeks . I have only seven weeks and one day until my due date , and I must say , I am feeling very impatient this time around . So what 's on the agenda for today ? Lots . Cody had insomnia last night , but still got up at 6 : 30 a . m . , so we had a difficult morning together . This is a pattern , and the last few weeks have been rough , thanks to the new bedroom arrangements for the boys . But Cody has swimming this afternoon . So at noon , I loaded up all the boys and we drove Cody to school . He will be back in about an hour and a half , but for now , I am here with the Dynamic Duo . At the moment , they are playing very nicely together in their room , hence the reason I can even think about writing this post . After Cody gets home , I will be feeding the boys an early supper . Well , maybe around 4 : 30 or so . When Mike gets home , we are all heading to town to do a little shopping . Mike has a special tool he wants to buy that is on sale starting today . He is really excited about it . Me ? I want to go to Home Depot . I have some things to pick up there in order to work on getting the nursery ready . I 'm excited to get started . The boys ' room has remained so nice and clean this whole time , which is nothing short of miraculous . Right now , the baby 's room is full of stuff , so I really want to get it all organized and ready . Imagine having two rooms in the house that are clean and nice ! It 's hard for me to fathom at the moment , but I believe in miracles , and I believe it will happen . I started a little bit today by washing some of the diapers I will be using . They had some stains on them , and I wanted to try sunning them . I was a bit skeptical that it would work , but oh my ! It worked ! So I 'm going to do them one small load at a time , otherwise I won 't have room to lay them out properly in the sun . My laundry rack is not that big , unfortunately . I have baby clothes that also have some stains on them and I will be doing the same thing with those . Other than all of that , my goal today was to get the house a little cleaner than I have all week . So far , so good . I have made significant progress on the kitchen , and seeing we won 't be having a big family meal at home tonight , it will stay clean . I am thinking Mike should be impressed . And speaking of Mike , and impressive , Mike is graduating this weekend with his Masters in Education . We have a lot going on as a result . He has been in school almost the whole time we have been married , which is coming up twelve years . Not that whole time , but a lot of it ! Now he is relieved to finally be done . My guess is , he will stay done . As in , he is not planning on getting a doctorate any time soon ! I 'm quite relieved about this too , as the homework was disruptive for all of us . But I 'm proud of him for his accomplishment and we will be celebrating this weekend . Now I 'm almost falling asleep , so I must decide whether to succumb or whether to force myself to do some kind of chore to stay awake . Hmm . . . this is a tough call for sure . If only I could trust the Dynamic Duo to stay calm and quiet for an hour . Those kinds of miracles don 't seem to happen in real life . Oh well . I 'm off for now . The title of my post would suggest some kind of advice or how - to article . I suppose that was a tad bit deceptive on my part . The fact is , evidently , I do not know how to keep my house clean . This weekend , a long weekend here in Canada , Mike and I have been working hard at doing a bunch of organizing and cleaning . In truth , we have accomplished quite a bit , even though our house is still not clean or organized . Sometimes things really do have to get worse before they get better . I 'm okay with that . As long as they really are going to get better . Friday morning I spent four solid hours cleaning . That 's not something I do frequently these days , though hopefully I will get there again sometime after this baby is born . Anyway , I did a bunch yesterday too , and Saturday . It was great to see some real progress be made . Finishing the boys ' room is a big part of that , though it is still not done , so their clothes are not put away yet in their room . Things like that add to the clutter around here . So things are not perfect , but we have a plan and there is certainly light at the end of the tunnel . I was very excited to have a pretty clean house this weekend . But then today I noticed a few things . The boys ' clothes were all over the floor . I mean , someone would undress in the kitchen ( this happens a lot here when someone spills on their clothes during a meal , plus their dresser is currently located there ) , and they would just drop their dirty clothes right there on the floor and leave them there . Similarly , clothing was left on the bedroom floor , the bathroom floor , the living room floor , the front entrance floor . . . etc . You get the picture . In addition to that , toys were brought upstairs and left in the hall and the living room . Roller blades were left on the floor along with knee pads and wrist pads and a hockey helmet . And , the books , which I had just organized neatly on the bookshelf two days ago ( because everybody else refused to do it ) , had been dumped on the floor in a pile in front of the bookshelf . I was discouraged , looking around at the mess . That doesn 't count the kitchen , where nobody ever clears their dishes and they leave their crusts all over the table . . . etc . It occurred to me that I had two options . I could either hunt down my three boys , all of whom were playing outside at that time , and force them to clean up their mess , or I could pick it all up myself and have a relatively clean house once again . Hm . What would a good housewife do ? That was the question that assaulted my brain . So I asked Mike . What does a good housewife do ? Does she force her children to take responsibility so they learn to pick up after themselves ? Or does she go ahead and pick up the mess so she can maintain a clean house ? When I asked him the second question , he said yes . Yes , a good housewife just cleans up the mess . I have to be honest here . I kind of felt like I had gotten punched in the stomach . Okay , not that bad , but really , the gist of what he just told me was that I am in fact not a good housewife . It seems silly typing that . Of course I 'm not . I already knew that , though I really am trying and I really am improving . . . at least when I 'm not pregnant . Right now , running around the house bending over to pick things up off the floor every two seconds just gives me contractions and is painful and awkward , so I am less inclined to do that than I normally might be . But what if I was not pregnant right now ? Would it be best to just do all the work myself ? I have all boys . Do I want them growing up believing that the woman 's job is to clean while they run around and do whatever they feel like doing ? It just doesn 't sit right with me . And so I ask you , other housewives , please tell me what you do in this type of situation . When do you force your children to take responsibility , and when do you bite the bullet and just pick everything up yourself in the name of having a clean house ? I truly want to know . I hope I get some comments on this post because I am kind of dumbfounded about this issue . Do I have to sacrifice being a good mother in order to be a good housewife ? Or is there a way to do both ? ( I mean , doesn 't a good mother have to teach her kids to clean up and take responsibility ? ) I should add that my boys are very slow learners when it comes to cleaning up . Right now , their bedroom is the cleanest room in the house , but every day I go in there in the morning and make the bottom bunk and Micah 's bed . I can 't do the top bunk , but that is Cody 's so I figure he is old enough to do it himself anyway . So send me your feedback , ladies . And I don 't care if you 're working moms or stay - at - home moms . I still want some opinions here . If I don 't get any , I 'll ask around in person and see what I find out . Then maybe I 'll do a follow - up post on this . I wish I could say the boys ' first night in their new room went smoothly . It didn 't . I knew it wouldn 't , because not only were they excited about everything , but Micah has never , ever slept in a big boy bed before . He was definitely a problem . He came out over and over again . He opened and shut their door repeatedly . He kept them awake . Finally , we moved him into his crib and he cried and cried until he eventually went to sleep . Then , Mike carried him back to his bed and he slept there the rest of the night . That doesn 't sound too bad , right ? Well , it wouldn 't have been , except that by 5 : 45 a . m . all three boys were up and their bedroom light was on . I was so angry . Why don 't my kids sleep in when they 're tired ? It doesn 't make any sense to me . So Micah used the toilet , but then nobody went back to sleep . Instead , they got very , very loud . They fought and cried . They played and shouted . Micah is only two and a half . I get it that he doesn 't really understand about being quiet in the morning , though generally he is much better at it than his brothers are . Even Jamie , at four years old , can be somewhat excused for forgetting . But Cody is six , and I really don 't see that there is any excuse for that kind of rude behaviour when people are trying to sleep . He is old enough to know better . He DOES know better . But still , over and over again he chooses to disregard everyone else and be obnoxious . I could handle this ( somewhat ) if it were 7 a . m . , but NOT at 5 : 45 in the morning . In truth , I am at my wits ' end , and that was the case before the new room too . It has nothing to do with them sharing a room , though it will be worse now because Micah will not be stuck in his crib anymore so he will be free to join in the mayhem . How old does Cody have to be before he finally gets it ? If it takes our youngest as long as it is taking him , I 'm guessing we 're looking at at least another seven years , which would bring our total to fourteen . Fourteen years from the birth of our oldest kid to the time when we might actually be allowed to sleep in the morning . And I 'm not talking about a sleep - in here either . Seven o ' clock . That 's very reasonable , is it not ? So today I am not happy . I am very upset . Grouchy . Not only did my day begin at 5 : 47 a . m . , when I had to angrily lecture my kids , instead of letting my exhausted and very sore body rest just a little longer , but it has not gotten better from there . The boys have bad attitudes . Of course they do . They didn 't get enough sleep . They broke their curtain rod this morning , so already the new room is desecrated . I knew it would be fast , but it was not even 24 hours after they moved in . Jamie poured sugar all over the counter , the barstool and the floor . He also used up almost the last of my cold drinking water for a dandelion . ( We can 't drink our tap water right now , and the big bottle had just been emptied . ) Basically , I can 't handle anything today , but there is a lot to handle . I have nothing else to say for today . I would love a nap , but that would mean allowing TV , and I can 't justify it . Did I mention Mike is not coming home after work ? At this point , I 'm not even sure I 'll survive the day . Here 's hoping it gets better and not worse . Okay , we are not technically finished the room , but it is close . There are a few important details to be filled in . For example , the closet is empty , and I mean completely empty . There are no shelves , no hanger racks . . . nothing . That 's kind of a crucial piece of the room , so hopefully that will get done tonight . If not , certainly in the next few days or so . Another detail is that Micah 's bed is not really fully in yet . They were sleeping last night when we finished up , so the beds were all in Micah 's room , other than the bunk bed , which Mike assembled in their room last night . So , Micah 's current bed is just a box spring and mattress on the floor , without the frame or headboard or footboard . That 's no big deal either , though I do think we will fix that tonight too . The biggest unresolved dilemma about their room is their dresser . It is still in the kitchen , but fitting it in the room is going to be an issue , which I did not anticipate . I mean , it WILL fit , but getting in and out of the room will be awkward at best . So we will probably have to buy a different dresser , a tall , upright one instead of a longer one that is lower . Even then , it will be somewhat crowded in there . But it looks good , and the boys are so thrilled with the whole room . Here are some pictures ! Here is the bunk bed that Mike has spent hours and hours and hours making ! I love how it turned out , though there was a slight mishap with the length , and it is too long . That will be a project for fixing another day . ( Excuse the mess outside the doorway . The vacuum was there and Micah 's dresser is there temporarily too . Not for long though ! ) Here is the view looking into their room . The lighting isn 't awesome in most of these . I 'm not the best photographer , unfortunately ! But it gives you an idea . This is Micah 's new bed . You can see it is just mattresses sitting on the floor . I 'm wondering whether we need a bedskirt for his too ! But that 's for another day as well . Standing between the two beds , looking at the closet door . See the decal we put on the wall ? We have two , but we are not putting the other one up just yet . We will wait to see whether we leave the furniture arranged as it is or not , though we don 't have a lot of options due to the size of the room . Here 's a closer up shot of the Jets decal . I think it looks pretty cool . And here is a shot of what it looks like between the two beds . Hopefully Micah will not be too tempted to hop out of bed and climb that ladder . These are really tall bunk beds , so it makes me very nervous when he goes up . Jamie will sleep in the bottom bunk and Cody on the top . All in all , we are super happy about the way the room turned out , despite many glitches along the way . We are feeling like our boys are a tad bit spoiled now , and wondering when we get to redo our own room ! I 'll have to really think about that one . Maybe one day it will be our turn . I guess our next project will be to create some kind of nursery . I 'd like to make that really special too . I guess I will post updates about that in the future . For the record , the boys have not officially moved into their room yet . We showed it to them this morning , and they are so excited they can hardly contain themselves . Right now , I have them locked out of there because I 'm too nervous about Micah climbing to the top bunk , which he does , without someone in there to supervise him . Tonight they will likely move in , and we will have to remove the locking door knob and replace it with the original one . Then we 'll move the locking one onto what will now be officially the nursery . Then I don 't have to worry about all my baby stuff getting messed with all the time , which it does . I guess that 's it for my update for now ! This room is another step towards getting our room organized too , since we have been storing a lot of their stuff in our closet up until now . We also have a lot of baby stuff in there , so we will be able to move that into the baby 's room too ! Woo hoo ! Technically , the boys ' room is now the cleanest room in the house . How 's that for irony ? In fact , at this moment , it 's the only clean room in the house . Let 's see how long that lasts ! P . S . My original goal was to move the boys in by May 1st , but when that did not happen , I set a secondary goal of May 15th . That 's today ! What timing ! Last night marked the painting of the third and final stripe in our border around the boys room . Let me tell you , it was a very involved process . Our third stripe was to be silver , and somewhat sparkly , to go with the bedding we bought for the boys . As such , the painting experts at the store couldn 't find anything to match so they sent us home with a can of spray paint . Hm . Somehow that made me nervous , and even more so after all the disasters I had when I was painting the other stripes . The final verdict was that Mike would do the painting of the silver stripe because I was reasonably sure spray paint would not be safe for a pregnant woman . Boy was I right ! That stuff was incredibly strong . Horrible stuff . Fortunately , we kept it out of our bedroom and we left a window open in that room all night with a fan blowing the air out . We also turned off our air circulation from the furnace so it wouldn 't spread all over the house . Here are a few things you should know if you are ever going to spray paint in a house . First , basically , don 't . It 's a bad idea . I 'm not exaggerating about the intensity of the fumes . I was worried for my baby and my kids , though I needn 't have been , as we did contain it very well . Second , as I did mention to Mike before he started , if you are painting a precise area such as we were , you can 't just use painting tape . I guess you could , but you 'd have to use mass amounts of it . As it happened , we ran out of Frog Tape before we taped the first wall . Mike found some blue painters tape , so he used that to tape around where the silver stripe was going to go . My plan was to then tape paper all around the perimeter above and below the painters tape , so if the spray was hard to contain in such a small area we would be okay . ( The stripe was only an inch thick . ) Mike did a test swatch on a piece of paper to see how the spray paint was going to come out and how wide it would spray . He determined that all the extra paper on the walls would not be necessary , so he got to work . He did one coat , then we watched a show , and then he returned to do the second coat . A short while later , he emerged in our room , where I was hiding from the fumes . His facial expression was grim . Uh - oh . I asked him how it went . He said , " You were right . " I wasn 't sure what he meant , but he explained that he should have indeed used all the extra paper , as there were now visible lines around the walls where the spray paint went beyond the painters tape . Well , you can 't earn your stripes without at least one disaster each time , right ? We touched it up today , though we will probably need to do a little work on the bottom stripe again before we are completely satisfied with everything . Either way , here are some pictures . And yes , we ARE doing a Winnipeg Jets theme , seeing they are our only Manitoba team ! The boys love them . Above is the Jets ' away jersey . Our wall stripes are supposed to replicate the three stripes around the bottom of this shirt . Technically , we don 't have anything else in the lighter blue in our whole room decor , but we liked this look for a border anyway , so we decided to use it . Hopefully these show up all right on here . I did not put any pictures of before the touchups . And now we just got back from a lengthy afternoon in town , where we bought all our mattresses and mattress covers . We are so close to being done this crazy process . We still need to touch up the lighter blue a bit . The white paint is not perfect and could use another coat in some places , but for now it 's not worth the money . Odds are , the boys are going to damage the walls almost immediately anyway , so we can wait until we really need to paint again and then we can redo the white if necessary . Most of it looks really good though . Hopefully tomorrow we 'll have all the accents on , and the floor cleaned up so we can shampoo it before they move in . I 'm off , hopefully to survive the rest of Mother 's Day . Mike is still in town picking things up , so I 'm alone with this crew and they are not behaving their best . Sigh . Posted by Yesterday I dared to use the Frog Tape again on my boy 's walls . I had been avoiding doing the second stripe for a few days , but I knew it had to get done , so I decided to go for it . I was very nervous , given the disaster I had with the first stripe . We decided that if it all got done within about four to five hours , we probably wouldn 't have the same problem with the tape . So I put up the line to mark the stripe in the afternoon while I was home with the boys . Then I made supper and threw it in the oven , knowing Mike would be home to take it out . Then , the Frog Tape process began . Wow , it 's kind of a pain putting that stuff on . It took me forever to do it , but once it was done , I opened up my new can of paint . Peaceful Night , it 's called . Ha ! It 's in the wrong room . But that 's beside the point . I got started on the second stripe right away . To my surprise , it didn 't take me long to paint it . I think I may actually be improving , which is kind of amazing . Here are a few shots of the stripe after the first coat , with the tape still on . After that , I anxiously awaited my opportunity to put on the second coat . Mike had a work thing last night , so he left after the boys were in bed . I was not allowed to paint again until 9 : 30 p . m . When that time finally rolled around , I did my second coat , which probably took me all of ten minutes . It went well , with relatively few incidents . ( I did have a few moments where I went too fast and went over the tape a little . Duh . I did wipe it off , but there are a few spots that may need a tiny touch up . ) The hard part was removing the blasted tape . I started with the top one , as it was on the white paint and I was less nervous about it ripping because I knew we would still be putting our final stripe on top . Ironically , the white paint was a problem . Lots of it came off on the tape , but mostly in very tiny little spots . I had read that the best way to remove the tape was slowly , and bending it backwards almost right against itself . I think it took me nearly an hour to remove the tape . How ridiculous ! ( Of course , I did have to tend to a nightmare with Micah in between , but that didn 't take too long . ) I had no trouble at all getting the tape off the lighter blue stripe . It came off easily and did not remove any paint at all . I was so relieved about that . I had two bad patches tear on the white tape , despite my extreme caution , so I was annoyed , but again , we will paint over that tonight with our silver stripe . After that , we will definitely have a few spots of white that will need to be touched up , but that 's not the end of the world . They are not flawless , but they look pretty good ! I am very happy with the way they have turned out so far . I am still nervous about the silver stripe , because believe it or not , we have to use spray paint . I will not be doing that process because I think the fumes are too dangerous for me , being pregnant . But hopefully tonight I will be able to take pictures , and hopefully it is going to look good . If the navy blue stripe cooperates as much as the lighter blue one did with the paint , we 'll be in good shape . Then we just have to touch up the white stuff , and we 'll be ready to put trim back on , and closet shelves and racks , and curtains , as well as other accents . We are almost there ! I 'm a mean mom . This is what I am told anyway , by the ones who count . . . my kids . This week I have had a few of those moments where I felt like the meanest mother on the planet . I think I wrote about one such moment earlier this week , when I left my Jamie standing bawling on someone 's driveway while I drove off to my doctor 's appointment . Sure , he was in good hands , and yes , he was safe . I use the word " driveway " loosely , as this was way out in the country and he was nowhere near a road , so he was not left in a dangerous place . ( Plus my sister - in - law and her kids were there . ) But that 's all beside the point . It made me second guess myself . Should I have taken him with me , as he requested ? Well , I could have . But I really didn 't want to . He would have been bored . He would have been whiny . He would have made the whole experience very stressful , and he wouldn 't have enjoyed it anyway . In the end , I had to do the tough thing and leave him there , miserable and vulnerable , crying for his mother as she drove away in a cloud of dust . Nice . Yesterday I had another such moment . Actually , it is now a weekly occurrence , as Cody has swimming lessons through his school every Thursday afternoon . He hates them . Cody has always been afraid of swimming , though I thought we were breaking through all that after our holiday last summer . No matter . He has decided it is scary once again , so every week he begs and begs me to let him quit and to give him " a day off from swimming lessons " . I already paid for these lessons . Besides that , he needs to learn how to swim . Maybe not everybody feels this way , but in my opinion , everyone should know how to swim . And seeing his school got us a discounted rate on lessons and they are the ones driving him to and from the city , I think I 'd be foolish to not take advantage of the opportunity . Cody felt differently . So I forced my child into swimming lessons . Then , I had to force him to get ready so I could drop him off at the school . All the while , he begged and pleaded and then flat out said he refused to go . I tried the compassionate route . I reasoned with him and reminded him how fun it is to swim . I explained the importance of learning how to swim . And none of it worked . So then I had to get tough and tell him to stop it , and that he was going , whether he liked it or not . After I dropped him off at the school , I remembered moments like that from my own childhood . You know , those moments when the world feels so big and you feel scared and vulnerable , and there is nobody there to bail you out or make you feel safe . I pictured my little boy riding that school bus all the way to the city , scared and perhaps feeling betrayed by his mother that whole time . What is the parenting solution ? Do we rush in and rescue them whenever they are scared ? Or do we not give them any choice when they don 't want to do something ? Do we coddle them and let their emotions guide their decisions ? ( And ours . ) Or do we take an emotionless approach and just lay out the facts , leaving no room for expression of fear , doubt or even just the desire to say no ? I believe there is a balance . Do I know what that balance is ? Not really . Maybe it depends on the mom . ( Or dad . ) Maybe it depends on the kid . Maybe it depends on both . I think it 's healthy to allow a child to express their worries and their displeasure , and even their opinions , but I guess somehow as parents we have to teach them that sometimes decisions have to be made for other reasons that may conflict with our emotions . Did I make the right choice sending Cody to swimming lessons ? I believe I did , even though it is hard on my emotions every week , because he does this every week . I always feel mean and heartless . But the funny thing is , when Cody got off the bus yesterday after swimming , he sounded excited . " Guess what I did at swimming lessons , mom ? ? I went in the deep end with a life jacket ! " He actually had fun . Wow . So maybe I was not as mean as I thought , or as he thought . Maybe sometimes as parents we see the bigger picture , and we know that if they could only push past their feelings , they would enjoy themselves , even while learning a valuable skill . Sadly , I am quite certain he will still do the same thing next week , and for the five weeks after that , but I guess it 's my job to continue being mean so that he can be safe , and he can learn how to enjoy the water without so much fear . But , to misquote a popular muppet , it 's not easy being mean . I don 't like it . But I will do what it takes to help my kids , even when they perceive it as mean . Today has been one of those " Go ! Go ! Go ! " days . I got up just before 7 a . m . , after a night of horrific sleep . Micah cried loudly from 11 p . m . until well after midnight . Twice ( or was it three times ? ) I was up with him , trying to figure out the problem . I took him to the bathroom , just to make sure that wasn 't the issue . The third ( yes , it was three ! ) time I got up with him he was wailing that he wanted water . I got him the water . He said he would stop crying . I told him he was waking everyone up , which he did . He said , " Sorry . " I thought we were done . But I was wrong . Cody ended up getting up and complaining about the non - stop crying . Jamie was up too , getting water and something else in the kitchen . It was horrible , and I was so mad ! In total , I was up seven times last night . That 's between 10 : 30 p . m . and 7 a . m . Not cool . So I was up early getting Cody ready for school . Once he was out the door , I had to get the other two set up with a show so I could go shower . Then , mid - morning we were off to my sister - in - law 's place to drop the two boys off so I could rush to town for my doctor 's appointment . When I left her place , Jamie was bawling because he didn 't want to be left behind . He practically chased after the van . I could see him in my rear - view mirror , just standing there in the driveway bawling . I cried too . I felt like the worst mother alive . Should I have brought him with me ? I did consider it , but realistically , I knew it would not be pretty and I 'd be far more stressed with him along . In addition to that , he likely would have had a similar attitude at the doctor 's office , which would have been understandable , given his utter lack of sleep last night . After my appointment I rushed back on time to get the boys home for lunch . Then I put another show on ( I know : bad , bad , bad ! ) so I could paint another coat on the blue stripe on the boys ' room . So I did , and that brings me to my next story of my complete lack of skill in the painting department . I had watched a few YouTube videos about painting rooms , so I could see the best methods of painting corners , and also how to paint stripes . One thing I learned was that it is best to remove the frog tape right away , provided you are not doing another coat . Well , this was the second coat , so I went ahead and removed the frog tape . It looked pretty good ! It was not perfect , and there were a few areas where the paint had bled through slightly , though most were on the top of the stripe so they will get covered when we paint the next stripe , which will be darker yet . Here 's where I ran into problems . The frog tape actually pulled off several large sections of our new white paint . What the heck ? The paint had been dry for days , so I didn 't think it would be an issue , but wow , it certainly was ! I couldn 't do anything but cringe as I pulled the tape off . What in the world will Mike say when he sees how I have destroyed his handiwork ? Just now , I looked up frog tape and guess what I found out ? Apparently you are not supposed to use it on newly painted surfaces , even if they are dry . They have to be " cured " , not just dry , which can take weeks . Wow . I simply don 't have weeks . I wish I did , but I don 't . So apparently there is another kind you can buy that is specifically for delicate surfaces . I guess we have to find some of that now and continue our project . Sigh . Here are a few pictures of what it looks like right now . These last two photos show the worst section . It tore so badly you can even see the original green paint through it . I don 't know what to tell Mike when he gets home ! And now , my busy day is not slowing down any . I have to run and get Cody from the bus , and then I have to peel potatoes because I have a roast in the oven today . If it weren 't for my painting disaster , Mike might actually think I was a rockstar today . Oh well . Nobody 's perfect , right ? Posted by We had a busy day . Cody was home , so it was much more intense than it is when he is at school . That 's okay . The weather turned very nice , so outdoor play is very much encouraged around here . However , today we had an appointment . I hate appointments . Today 's appointment was at Cody 's school , and it was an evaluation of sorts , to see how far he has come since last year . . . etc . No problem . Except that I had to take the whole crew with me . That is not really encouraged , but I had little choice , seeing there was simply nobody to take them . In the end , it went fairly smoothly , though it made for a long and very busy morning of running around . The afternoon was not awesome , though it was not terrible either . Around 3 p . m . things started getting bad . For instance , I caught Micah playing with a rubber ducky . In the toilet . Oh my . It went straight into the garbage can . . . the one under the sink , with the " childproof " latch on it . Fortunately , Micah still can 't open it without help . I was very disturbed by the toilet play , and it caused me to mentally backtrack and contemplate all the times he has touched my face . . . etc . What if he has played in the toilet before ? ? None of my other kids have ever participated in that delightful activity , though I was always surprised at that . Nobody has ever flushed a toy or other inappropriate object down the toilet . No , wait , I think Cody flushed an empty toilet paper roll when he was really little , though the memory is a bit hazy now . I probably blocked it out . Anyway , the point was , I had a busy and tiring day . Normally I 'd be relieved when Mike got home , but tonight he had to leave again after supper for a meeting at his school , so I was on my own for all the bedtime craziness . But before he left , we managed to tape the boys ' bedroom for one of the stripes we will be painting as a border . ( It will have three different coloured stripes . ) The painting was going to be my job tonight . No problem . I figured I was up to the task . The stripe I was painting was only four inches wide . How hard could it be ? Right ? ? I started by opening my new small paint tray with my brand new small roller . It was cute . There was no getting around it . I opened up this can of paint . Blue . Too dark . Hm . Well , I supposed that was okay . It will probably look good with the final product . . . I hope . I stirred it , and poured some of the smooth , thick paint into my cute little tray . I must admit , I was quite excited to start this little project . I dipped my cute roller into the tray and rolled it around in the smurf - coloured paint . ( In reality , the colour was called Artesian Water . Doesn 't that sound beautiful ? ) With anticipation , I moved over to the first corner and rolled my brush across . OOPS ! ! ! ! Oh no ! A huge glob of deep blue paint splashed down our fresh , pure white wall ! I grabbed the nearest paper towel , but it was dry . I guess you have to use wet paper towel to get the paint off . Dang ! I ran to the kitchen for more and wet some and ran back . I was too late . I got most of it off , but there is a large streak I could not get and now we will probably have to touch it up with white paint . Okay , so I had a rough start . I discovered if I held the roller the other way ( flipped it upside down ) the paint didn 't drip out the same . I continued rolling . Hm . It didn 't look very nice . In fact , it was really not rolling on smoothly at all . I wondered if my roller was defective . Cute , but defective . So I grabbed the shorter , but fatter small roller that Mike bought the other day and decided to give it a whirl . Back to my little tray , I rolled the other roller until it was coated in blue and went back to my tiny , disastrous section of the wall . I did one roll , and blue water dripped all down the white walls ! Oh no ! ! ! Mike must have washed the brush and it had not dried properly . Fortunately , this time I had wet paper towel handy . Almost not enough , because the amount of blue running down the wall was far worse than my first disaster . But I got this one cleaned up . By now I was getting a little mad . This was stupid . I put down Mike 's roller and picked up my own . Clearly the problem was not just the paint supplies . I tried again . I painted the stripe on that first wall , and wow . . . it just wasn 't looking very nice . Why in the world is it so hard to paint ? I kept going , and by the fourth and final wall , I think I was getting the hang of it . I went over the rest once again just to be sure , but I have to say , I don 't know how this is going to turn out . I thought it would be a fun little relaxing project for me while I was home alone , but I really could have done without the stress . Here are a few pictures . These photos make the stripe look much bigger than it is because of the green frog tape on either side . In truth , it is a little bigger than I wanted it , but the next two stripes will be progressively smaller , so hopefully it will look okay in the end . Eek . I sure hope it will look good when it 's done . And Mike just got home , so it 's time to sign off . Tomorrow I have another appointment , so another busy day . Hopefully I will have a better report of the second coat ! It 's another rainy , icky day here , which is not good news for our flooding situation . Amazingly , I have had a productive day so far , despite the gloom . I 've already done dishes , laundry , sweeping , and even made some yummy chocolate chip cookies . The main update around here is about our ongoing " renovations " . They aren 't really renovations , as no actual construction is involved , but maybe more like redesigning . That 's right , more progress has been made on the boys ' new room . It doesn 't look like much right now , but here it is . Yep . It 's just a plain white room . How boring , right ? But wait ! We do have a plan . We will be touching up a few areas on the white paint tonight , just to make sure it 's really well covered . There are a few areas that need more paint , like right around the ceiling . Then , tomorrow , we start adding the colour . There will only be a little , but it is all part of the plan . Now that I see the room all white , I am having a few doubts , but I know once we have all the accents in there it will be good . There is a method to our madness ! I am nervous about it though . I hope it turns out the way I am envisioning it . If not , I guess it 's still a blank canvas and we can do what we want with it . I have been waiting to start this project forever , and it feels good to finally be crossing things off my list ! Mike is still not finished the bunk beds , but he is closer now than he was . He has to build drawers for under the bottom bunk , and he is missing a tiny bit in the way of materials . Then the headboard and footboard areas of the bottom bunk must be completed , and then the ladder . Other than that , they are built . They need two more coats of varathane , and some sanding , I think . Then they 're coming upstairs and going into their new destination ! The good news is , the boys are really enjoying sharing a room . Well , Micah is anyway . He loves having his big brothers in his room with him . I might be speaking too soon , but in the two nights they have been in his room all together , he has not woken up with nightmares at all , whereas he usually does every single night . I think it 's comforting for him to not be alone in there . However , when he moves to the new room with them , he will also be leaving behind the security of his crib and moving into a twin bed . ( Not into the " bonk beds " , as he calls them . ) That could raise a few issues , such as him not staying in bed , or him falling out of bed . But we will see how he does . He is definitely ready , and he is blessed to have his brothers in the room with him where they can comfort him and keep him Posted by I know I have mentioned several times over the last couple of months how anxious I have been to redo our boys ' bedroom . There have been many factors causing us to delay this process , but I am happy to report that we are finally getting started . Mike has been busy building bunk beds over the last couple of weeks , and though they are not finished yet , they are close enough that this morning was deemed the day we would evict the boys out of their bedroom . I can 't even tell you how much I have anticipated the moment we would be able to start fixing all the damage they have done in what used to be my gorgeous baby room for Cody . Here is a photo to show you an idea of what it originally looked like . In this picture , the baseboards were not on yet , and it does not show the wispy white clouds that were scattered over the blue part of the walls , but it does show you an idea of our theme and how cute it was . I have much better pictures , but they are on a different computer and I cannot access them at the moment , so this will have to do for a glimpse . I have posted pictures on this blog before of the boys ' room , and how awful it got . Today , we emptied it . First , we had to remove the change table and a lot of baby stuff from Micah 's room . We also removed his dresser , which is now standing at the end of our hall where it is accessible but also out of the way . Here are some pictures of the boys room now , empty . I decided that it would be appropriate to employ some child labour , seeing they are the ones who wrote all over the wall in crayon , pencil , ballpoint pen , and whiteboard marker . The novelty wore off quickly on Cody , but the other two stayed and helped for a while . It took a long time to wash the walls , and in the end , they were only sufficient because we will be painting over them . Here are a few shots . Here , Cody has begun the process of trying to wash away the larger - than - life pencil / etching of a big - headed creature of some sort . Micah joined in , shirtless . He was like a true construction worker in there . He put a lot more effort in than his oldest brother did . I don 't know whether the extent of the " art " and other damage will show up in these , but if not , you 'll have to take my word on it . Ah . The sweet sight of my boys actually cleaning . And not just toys , but cleaning up a horrific mess that they have spent the last few years making . Not for lack of me scrubbing in between , but it did hit a point where I gave up and just left it alone . Only because I knew this day was coming and we would one day redeem these walls once again . And the carpet too . And of course , Jamie had to be shirtless as well . I got all three in this picture . Cody , looking like a very tormented slave ; Micah , working diligently to wipe chocolate smudges off the closet wall ; and Jamie , walking like an Egyptian . He always has marched to the beat of his own drum . Jamie stepped in front of this part of the wall just as I took the pictures . This is where we have recorded their heights over the years . We transferred it all to some boards that we will have to use somehow . That has yet to be determined , but I was not about to lose this priceless information ! The next picture shows their temporary room . We moved both twin beds into Micah 's room and left his crib set up in there . The boys ' dresser is now in the kitchen . Good thing this is temporary ! Jamie 's bed is the blue one , Cody 's is by the door and Micah 's crib had to move from the wall it was on to the one opposite . What 's in the picture is how they will be sleeping for the next week , or even two . I wonder how long they will party tonight when they go to bed . And here is the boys ' room , once my beautiful nursery . The baseboards and window frames have been removed . You can kind of see the clouds in this picture . You can also see what look like clouds on the green parts . Every one of those white smudges is drywall mud , used to cover holes and dings in the walls . Needless to say , there are a lot of white smudges . A lot . So , this is phase one . Apparently the drywall mud has to dry for 24 hours , so we will not be painting our first coat of white paint until tomorrow afternoon some time . Dang . I 'd love to start tonight , but I guess that 's okay . I 'd post pictures of the bunk beds , but I haven 't taken any yet because they are in a yucky room in the basement . I will probably wait until we move them into the room officially . Then they will look nice . That 's the official update for tonight . Hopefully tomorrow I will have pictures of the same room only all white . I know that sounds boring , but bear with me . We do have a plan ! I 'm off for now . One thing I am not good at is waiting . I am waiting for many things right now , the most significant one is my baby , but I 'm not even due until later in July , so it 's going to be a long time . But I 'm talking about waiting for something imminent , good or bad . Right now , I am waiting for a man to show up here to have a look at our land to see whether moving our house to the spot we want it is a possibility , and if it is , what we will have to do to make it work . I 'm kind of uptight about stuff like this . I would really prefer if Mike were here too , but he isn 't . So that means when this guy gets here , I have to leave the Dynamic Duo unsupervised in the house and haul my pregnant body up our steep ridge in the wet , 4 degree weather . Hm . Not really something I am anticipating with great excitement . Worse yet is the fact that he did not say what time he would be arriving . He only said late morning . To me , that means now . But he might not even get here until 11 : 30 or even later . So , now I am in limbo because I feel like I can 't start anything in case he shows up . The same thing happened yesterday , when Mike told me this guy had called him and would be here in an hour . ( That was at 12 : 40 p . m . ) So I ran around like a crazy person cleaning the house in case he had to come in to discuss things . Then , at 4 p . m . he called and said he couldn 't make it after all and would come this morning instead . Ugh . The good news is , I got my house cleaner than normal . The bad news ? Well , I had to put off the moment until today , which meant prolonging my tension and dread . Dread seems harsh probably . But that 's how I am . I overreact . I get nervous . I get stomach aches . What if he says we 're crazy and it 's totally impossible ? What if he sees my ugly lounge pants and thinks I 'm a slob ? What if I fall on the ridge ( it 's steep ) and look like an idiot ? Do any of these things matter ? Not really . Not to a normal person , anyway . But these are some of the irrational worries that run through my brain as I wait . And the longer I wait , the more frenzied they become . Did I mention I have to wear Mike 's huge rubber boots because mine are missing ? The possibility of slipping on the steep path is very real . Anyway , that is what I am doing today , so far . The house is clean . The boys are dressed . Well , Jamie is in shorts and a sleeveless shirt and it 's basically winter today , but I choose my battles . And Cody is at school , which means my battles will be less frequent and less intense , at least until 3 : 15 p . m . when he returns home . If I were not waiting for this guy to come , I would probably bake . It feels like that kind of a day . Why not ? My kitchen is nice and clean , and the lights are on because it is dark and gloomy outside , so it feels cozy in there . That 's perfect baking atmosphere . Cookies , maybe ? Or a banana loaf ? I 'm not brave enough to start buns or bread today . I 'm sure I 'd run out of energy long before I was done . But it doesn 't matter , because I can 't bake until this man has come and gone , in case I have something in the oven and have to leave the house . Not going to happen . So I will continue to wait , and pace , and fret about ridiculous things , because that is what I do . Phone ringing ! It 's him . He ( " we " ? ) should be here shortly . Now my nervousness increases ! I 'm so neurotic . I have to go for now . I know I 'm a bit early in posting a tribute to mothers , seeing Mother 's Day is not far away . But I really wanted to get this out while it was fresh on my heart . Yesterday , I had one of those really bad days with my kids . I had to fight a terrible battle with one of them , and it was ugly , and I broke down . . . you know , one of those days . I believe every mother has them . Okay , some of you moms have only one child at this point , and that child may be under two years old . Maybe you have not experienced what I am talking about just yet , but battles do come and sometimes we are prepared for them and sometimes they take us down . Yesterday , I fought the battle and I won , but let 's just say I did not escape without wounding , figuratively speaking . During this battle , at one of the most intense moments , my mother called me . I answered the phone , and she could tell by my voice that something was wrong . Well , I couldn 't help but cry as I described to her what was going on in the house at that moment . I was feeling like a loser , wondering how it was that my child would deliberately disobey everything I said , and how he could say terrible things to me , and show me such disrespect . I know everyone says you can 't take those things personally , and I know that is true . But there is something very discouraging when you feel helpless as a mother , and yesterday I did . So I was a little embarrassed to tell my mom how bad my child was being , because it certainly reflected badly on me . But she understood , and told me how she had had many moments like that too in those years when my sisters and I were young . Of course , a part of me was surprised because she had three girls , and I have three boys , and I have to admit , when things get this bad I often wonder if this is just the way boys are . But she assured me that all kids go through this , or certainly have days that are bad , boy or girl . I was afraid she might tell me how I should be doing things differently , but she didn 't . Instead , she told me to press on , and to just keep being consistent , and that even if it takes a long time , things would work out in the end . And she knows , because she has been there and seen it through to the end . Not that she is not a mother anymore , because of course she is and always will be . But she is past the " raising " stage of motherhood , and she not only survived , she even did a good job . ( Is it bragging for me to say that ? Hehe . ) My spirits were slightly lifted when I got off the phone , even though the battle still raged on around me . And then , not long after , my mother - in - law called me . Now the interesting thing is , my mom and my husband 's mom raised their children very differently , so they have very different perspectives on things . But what was truly wonderful was that even after a great conversation with my own mom , I then had an equally great one with my mother - in - law . She offered me so much encouragement as well as some advice , and she also affirmed that she had been through similar battles in her days of parenting younger children . They both had such different angles of looking at things , but both were compassionate , understanding , and non - judgmental . Later , as I reflected on both conversations , it struck me how blessed I am to have two mothers in my life , both who love me and both who love my children . And even though their life experiences have been different and their parenting styles are different , I value both of their opinions and their friendships , and I am so grateful to have them . So I wanted to give a shout out to mothers . Some of you are still in what I call the honeymoon phase , where you have only one child or baby , and though you may not be fighting with your child , you are often weary from the demands of one so young . Some of you are where I am , with more than one who are young and battles are frequent and sometimes volatile . Some of you are dealing with teenagers and you are fighting battles that probably make mine pale in comparison . And some of you have already raised your children , but you are still there for your grown children , and even your grandchildren . Whatever phase you are at , may God bless you as you continue to be the best mom you can be . I hope your children know , or someday will know , all that you have poured out into them , and are grateful . I know I am . What to say ? In a nutshell , I am married to Mike and we now have three boys which is intimidating , but also amazing ! I have two cats : Cricket ( black and white ) and Tabu ( tabby ) , a black and white mini - lop named Oreo and a German Shepherd cross named Radar for his larger - than - life ears ! ( Trust me on that one ! ) I work for the government , but am currently on leave , taking care of my kids while they are small . |
In 2010 Jeff and I took a road trip . Jeff drove me to the upper peninsula of Michigan to see where my biological father lived . We planned this trip after I had finally located him and found out that he had died in 2007 , three years prior . The local newspaper where he lived said very little about him . We searched for his marker through the only cemetery in the tiny eye blink town in the middle of nowhere . We were not successful . Just like the old farmhouse that was listed as his last place of residence . . . this turned out to be another dead end road . On the way back home afterwards , we decided to pay a surprise visit to my brother who lived along the way , and arranged for my sister to meet up with us at his house . When I told my siblings about the road trip and the purpose for it , my brother asked why didn 't I just walk up to the door to see who lived at my biological father 's house . . . maybe they were relatives that I could meet . I told him that he just would not understand about how once a parent rejects you , you do not put yourself in a situation where you will likely be rejected again . Or worse . . . blamed for the sins of others . Mama always said " never air your dirty laundry " , and I never did . But there comes a time when the laundry has piled up , and it 's time to take it out and sort through it in order to wash it . And sometimes we come across a piece of clothing with an ugly stain that needs some extra care in pre - treating it before being placed into the washer . Sometimes we need to reach into our own heart and take out the pain that is in there . . . handle it , look at it , and then let the Lord cleanse out those stained and tattered pieces that make up the fabric of our lives . Eventually we will have a quilt sewn together to hang up and display for all the world to see . Everyone has a story . My mother 's story may never be fully told because she preferred to keep it hidden , giving me only bits and pieces throughout my life . She died in 2000 , so all I have left is the bits and pieces to put together now . Out of respect for her I will not go into too many details . But I too have a story to tell , and I have decided to do so . I apologise to you mama for uncovering these details of my life , and I am sorry if this means your story will be partially told through the telling of mine . She walked up the cement steps leading to the main entrance of the hospital . He had dropped her off in front of the entrance , and would wait for her in the parking lot until it was done . She placed her trembling hand on the handle of the large glass door , but as she began to pull the door open , something seemed to be pulling and holding it shut from the other side . She could not manage the strength to enter in through the heavy door . . . she had never felt this small and weak , not even when she had found out that her husband was leaving her for another woman a year ago and that she would be raising her 3 children alone with only the help of her mama and the occasional support check from the father of her three young children . She felt that she had no other choices when the man she thought was the one true love of her life had told her to get rid of it when she told him she was pregnant , but she just could not go through that door , something was preventing her from doing so ! She knew that as soon as she turned around and walked back to the man waiting in the car , there would be a good chance that she would be raising all four children alone now without his help either . How would she manage to keep her cleaning job at the Elk 's lodge now ? It was hard enough to do so with a fifteen year old , ten year old and five year old to take care of . . . Thank God for her Mama . . . And now there will be a newborn to take care of as well . She stopped to take a moment to light a cigarette to calm her nerves before she walked to the parking lot . She considered staying inside the hospital long enough to convince the man that she had gone through with it . . . but she honestly could not make herself go inside . Maybe it was fear of changing her mind , or maybe it was just that her nerves would not allow her to stand under such a heavy burden . She dropped the cigarette on the sidewalk , stomped it out with her foot and walked on shaking legs toward the man waiting in the car . He looked at her standing at the passenger door , and she would never forget the look of disappointment on his handsome face , nor would she forget the last thing he said to her before dropping her off at her front porch . . . He said that he was married , and that his wife could never find out about this . " I already have two children of my own . . . you will not ruin my family or do anything to hurt them ! " And then he sped away . The nurse behind the desk looked up in time to see a very tall , handsome man walking toward her . . . My , but didn 't he look just like that actor , on TV . . . Lee majors ! She smiled as he approached her . He was asking about one of the babies born last night . . . She was about to tell him that she could not answer any questions when an old woman walked up to the man . The lady was under five feet tall , and it was nearly comical to see her walk right up to the man who stood more than six feet tall and demand to know just exactly what he wanted there . The nurse tried to focus on her paperwork instead of listening to the odd exchange playing out before her , but she just could not help but hear the man 's shaky reply as he said he just wanted to know if she had had ' it ' yet . The old woman pierced her lips together and looked up at the handsome man and answered that yes she did , and why do you care ? The baby was reluctant to leave the safety of her mother 's womb . The doctor had to use the forceps in order to force the infant out into the world . The child was underweight , and not too eager to take that first breath . . Little did anyone know , but she would be holding her breath for much of her life . . . and would remain hidden away in a corner or in a room behind a closed door hesitant to come out into the world . The little girl was born with weak lungs and was always coughing and struggling for breath from the effects of second hand smoke . She was always sick , and weaker than most other kids her age . Her Mama said it was because she had her so late in life . She was born bald and her head was oddly shaped because of the forceps , but that was easy enough to hide once her hair came in . Mama took her to the doctor several times because she just did not seem to be gaining any weight and was disturbingly thin . She needed braces on her feet in order to correct her crooked legs that turned in making her very clumsy . The special shoes that she had to wear were very heavy and uncomfortable on her narrow little feet , and she hated them . When the little girl was one year old , her sixteen year old brother was involved in a serious car accident . He was the lone survivor . The other four teen aged boys as well as the family in the other car were all killed . The impact was so hard that her brother 's ID bracelet would later be found draped over the power line over the intersection where the driver of the car that he was in had ran the stop sign as he was taking a drink from the last remaining bottle of beer from the party they had attended the previous night . It was early on a Sunday morning , and the family in the other car were on their way to church . Now almost three years later , her brother was no longer in the wheelchair . She loved the rare times when he would come home for a few days . She felt so grown up when he let her come into his room and listen to his records with him . She adored her big brother , although he was sometimes kind of scary to be around since the accident which left him brain damaged , but only when it came to his temper . . . which you could never predict when or why he would lose it . The shoe print on the staircase where he had narrowly missed hitting their sister was her reminder that she had better always be a good girl around him . So she watched her handsome brother whom everyone thought looked like Elvis Presley as he sang along with the record playing and he was laughing with her . I never doubted that my mother loved me . She did the best with what she had . Mom did not become a Christian until late in life . She lived a life without much hope , without knowing true peace and joy and the love that only God can give . . . So what she was able to give from herself to her children came from her own brokenness and from her own strength . She is with Jesus now , and I delight in knowing that she is finally at peace and experiencing true love and joy for all of eternity . . . and when I see her again I will thank her for being my Mama and giving up so much for me while here on earth . The baby girl climbed upon the fathers lap as the three older children all rallied for his attention . Caught up in all the excitement of her siblings , baby girl smiled and looked up into the face of the big man who seemed to be larger than life itself ! She scrambled up his long legs , placing her feet atop his for leverage , her white lacy anklets contrasting against his big scuffed work boots . She managed to reach her destination without any assistance from him . She settled her skinny little body , while grabbing hold of his big rough hand and holding it in her small soft one . She watched quietly as her brothers and sister all opened their gifts . She did not cry or complain when she did not receive one from the father . She just accepted that she had been a bad girl , and she did not deserve a gift like the others . . . Her handsome and talented oldest brother , with whom she loved to sit and listen to music , her pretty older sister whose long wavy hair she loved to hide underneath because she did not want her mother to see her tears when she had to leave her to go to work , and then there was her fun - loving brother who was closer to her than the other two . . . He had often warned her about being a big baby and crying too often . She had not been a good girl because she could not always hide her tears . But she would not cry now . Instead she climbed down and ran into the soft and loving embrace of her grandma . She did not have to climb up into grandma 's lap , as she was lifted up into the big rocking chair . She felt wanted there , as soft arms quickly encircled her small four year old frame , her grandma whispered sweet things into her tiny ear . The tears now released , were absorbed into the paisley fabric of grandma 's dress and into the loving heart beating just beneath . Her own memories of childhood pain came flooding back into her mind as she resolved to hold onto the child and make it all better for as long as the Good Lord would allow her to do so . She knew that her daughter 's ex husband visited his children whenever he felt The baby girl had really tried hard not to cry . She could be a good girl . After all , she did not even cry when she had spilled the hot coffee onto her chest that day when Mama and Grandma were downstairs in the basement doing the laundry . She even managed to scoot down the scary old wooden stairs on her rear - end in order to get to them ; and she did not cry when the nurse had slipped her undershirt over her head pulling with it the tender boiled skin . . . and the doctor even told Mama how brave she was for not crying when he rubbed that purple stuff on her chest . She remembered feeling calm when she looked down at the cool gel covering her burn . . . It was her favorite shade of light purple . But she could not stop the dreadful tears from spilling out now , so she would try her best to hide her face from her family . . . only Grandma could know . . . Grandma would not become angry like her oldest brother , and she would not make fun of her like her other brother , or ignore her the way her sister did . No , Grandma would hold her , rocking gently , while softly humming a slow tune until she finally fell asleep . The lady walked very briskly beside her talking all the while , her bright yellow skirt seemed to reflect the summer sun as her white pumps glided effortlesssly across the gray pavement . She was speaking about things that the child could understand , things that would keep her attention away from the sound of the big cars and the squeaking of brakes and whir of their tires as they passed in front and behind . Little legs moving , head bent over the handlebars , bright yellow fabric blocking out the city street , and a melodious voice talking about things that she could understand . So entranced in her conversation with the lady she barely noticed that they had reached the sidewalk . the toddler awkwardly dismounted the trike as it swiftly disappeared up into the grasp of the lady . . . she looked up then , as she placed her little hand trustingly into the bigger hand , she had never seen such a pretty lady before . . . not even her mama with her skin of ivory and raven black hair , could compare with the beauty of the alabaster skinned lady , with hair that sat high upon her head in keeping with the ' beehive ' style of the day . Her hair looked like the golden white hair of the angel that sat upon the tree at Christmas time ! They continued hand in hand down the city sidewalk as the lady asked , just like she had along the last block , if this was the house ? " No , " would come the reply as they stopped at each one . Until of course they came to the yellow house with large white trimmed windows , this house was bigger than most of the rest . White concrete stairs nestled between two white banisters lead up to white painted floorboards that belonged to a long covered porch that any little girl could appreciate spending many hours of play on . She imagined even now , sitting amidst her dolls and their scattered clothing , while she brushed their hair and sang to them . But as the lady pressed the doorbell and the chimes rang and echoed within ; the little girl cupped her hands and placing her forehead on them , looked through the window to the foyer just beyond . The house was beautiful both inside and out . She noted the hanging geranium much like the one her grandma also kept hanging from the porch . Suddenly , the little girl felt embarrassed and ashamed , she had lied to the beautiful lady ! This was not her house at all . With her childish imagination she just wanted to believe , if even for a moment , that it was . The lady seemed to understand how the little girl felt , and the little girl was relieved to know that the lady was not angry with her for deceiving . . . only disappointed . And although the lady seemed to have known that it was not the house all along , she still bothered to play along with the child , as though she knew she would feel ashamed at the deception , and end up telling her the truth very quickly . The crest - fallen look upon the child 's face made the lady 's heart melt . It was good that the child felt so badly about lying . She also understood the nature of the human spirit , even at that young age . They continued hand in hand along the city block and crossed another street . This street was much narrower and shaded compared to the last one . The little girl knew it was still much different than the street she lived on with it 's uneven sidewalks broken apart by the roots of the big trees over the years , and the dirty yards where grass would not grow because of the darkness from the old trees . The two story wooden houses on her block were also much older than these modern bungalows along this street . The porches here had nicely manicured shrubbery in front of them , with flower boxes neatly hung from or sitting atop of glistening painted porch railings , not anything like the houses with their crooked porches and paint chipping from weathered railings and banisters where she lived with her Mama and Grandma , and three half siblings . No , these did not look anything like the houseTired from the day 's adventure , the little girl soon fell asleep and was not even aware when the officer parked the police car in front of the old two story gray shingled house with it 's crooked porch where a single geranium hung . The sound of the orchestra played in the background as the little girl lept through the air , long legs stretched out as her loose hair followed behind her . She landed softly on the patterned carpeting of the dining room , and swept low with a graceful outstretch of her arms ending with a curtsy , head bowed with skirt held out at either end . Her audience clapped and sang out with a loud expression of joy . " More Gramma ? " the little ballerina asked as the orchestra began playing the next song , another instrumental number , on the Lawrence Welk show which grandma loved to watch nightly on her black and white console television set . " Oh yes , I would love that ! " answered Grandma . The ballerina once again felt the stir of the music propelling her into the air as she ran and spun back and forth between the large living room and dining room of the old Victorian where her Grandmother rented the lower level apartment . The ebb and flow of the music rang out from the brass and wood instruments filling her young body with a graceful energy that she did not seem to possess at any other time . At eight years old , she was tall and skinny , with bony knees and elbows . The little girl was often teased by the other children . She knew that they could never understand or accept her . She knew that she was different from the other children , and not only in her appearance . Around and around the music carried her , she could feel it 's energy ! She was just about to take her dramatic bow when the music was suddenly interrupted by a loud banging at the apartment door . The girl stopped abruptly and stared at her grandmother who called out : " Who 's there ? " When the voice of the man answered , the child went a shade paler and seemed to send a silent plea to the grandmother who quickly placed a finger up to her own lips indicating for the child to remain quiet . The little girl watched as her grandmother moved the TV tray aside and began to rise from her rocker while she replied : " Just a minute ! " She glanced for just a moment at the startled child who seemed to have turned to stone while she stood there in her pink tights with the lace tablecloth tied around her waste . The child 's costume was completed with one of the silk scarves she had received from a friend she played ' Bingo ' with years ago , covering the bottom half of her granddaughter 's small pale face . The scarf made the girl 's cat green eyes stand out . Those eyes were such a strange shade , much similar to her own hazel ones , yet different somehow . Safely behind the closed door , she held her breath trying very hard to suppress one of her dry coughs . . . She was always coughing . She placed her hand over her mouth when she heard the footsteps approaching the bedroom . She could hear her Grandma talking with her cousin in the front room so she knew it must be her cousin 's husband in the hallway outside the door . That familiar tickle in her throat threatened to betray her silence and before she could stop it she started coughing uncontrollably now . The man walked into the bedroom his tall frame filling up the doorway . Greasy blond hair hung in his eyes and he was sweaty . The little girl instinctively backed away . He smelled of something that she found detestable , and there was something in his eyes that unsettled her even more than his sour stench . He stepped forward and picked her up and held her over his head so that she was forced to look down at him , forced to hold her breath lest she gag . Her legs dangled down helplessly beneath her . . . She was tempted to kick him , but she would never deliberately hurt anybody , especially a grown up . But to each one is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good . For to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit , and to another the word of knowledge according to the same Spirit ; to another faith by the same Spirit , and to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit , and to another the effecting of miracles , and to another prophecy , and to another the distinguishing of spirits , to another various kinds of tongues , and to another the interpretation of tongues . ( 1 Cor . 12 ) She was lying on the floor on her belly with her legs bent up behind her reading the teen magazine . The young girl was not yet a teenager , but she was wanting so badly to fit in with her friends in the trailer park . The same friends who would not admit to knowing her while at the junior highschool where they attended , but would invite her over to their houses after school or on the weekends when they needed someone to practice a new haircut or something on . One time , her best friend Cindy joined the other kids teasing her on the bus . When the bus dropped off the kids at the catholic school and then the older kids at the highschool , it seemed like an eternity before the brakes squeeked and the bus came to a halt in front of the Junior high school . She was the first one off the bus and had to restrain herself from running as soon as her feet hit the sidewalk . Instead she walked briskly holding her stack of books up high obscuring most of her face as she bent her face so that her chin sat against her collarbone . She always carried such a huge stack of books as she was always missing so much school , and had to work very hard to catch up when she returned from whatever illness kept her homebound . Usually it was Bronchitis . . . The doctor had warned her mother that she just simply could not smoke around her anymore . The young girl tried not to think about how her mother smoked her cigarette on the car ride home . didn 't she see how hard it was for her child to be so sick all the time ? She was deep in thought when she heard footsteps running up behind her . It was Cindy . " Please don 't be mad at me , I only said those things so that Shelly would not get mad . I didn 't mean it . . . please say you understand . . . I can 't let Shelly see me talking to you so I will see you after school OK ? The girl just smiled and said it was okay , don 't worry about it . . . but her heart had broken a little bit that day as she bit back the tears that stung against her eyes . She would not let them see her cry . The day came . And now it was time to leave to go meet with her father . The young girl had chosen her favorite t - shirt and corderoy jeans and she had taken extra care to comb out her tangly hair . She wished now more than ever that she was pretty like her favorite actress Olivia Newton John , whose face adorned her t - shirt under the crooked lettering spelling out the word " Grease " . The movie she had gone to see with her best friend Cindy just the week before . Her mom pulled the 1976 Ford LTD into the parking lot of the bar . She fussed a bit with her own make up before turning her attention onto her child . She licked her finger and began smoothing back the girl 's hair . She could never control that stubborn cowlick right in the middle of her forehead . The girl pushed her mother 's hand away and took out her comb when a small truck pulled up a couple parking spaces away . The mom told her to wait there until she said , and then she quickly opened her door and jumped out from behind the steering wheel . Smiling and waving her hand at the man who was just exiting the truck . They both then turned their attention on the car that she was sitting in and her mom waved her over . . This was it , she thought . She moved as if led by some invisible marionette strings as she left the car and slowly walked over to the couple . The tall man stood there in the parking lot looking down at her through brown tinted glasses as her mother introduced her to him . She shook the hand that he held out to her and then they walked into the darkness of the bar . They sat down at a small table . The man asked her about her t - shirt . She looked down and pulled it out away from her flat chest and proceeded to tell him all about the movie . Oh Man , she thought , I can 't seem to shut up about the movie ! Now he is gonna think I am so stupid . They placed their order while the girl looked around the dark bar room . She took note of the sticky floor and the sour smell of beer mingled with the smell of something frying . She had never seen so many bottles . Her stepfather had a few , and he had even taught her how to mix a bloody mary , and a screwdriver . He was a Hungarian who loved his vodka . She ordered a Dr . Pepper and a bag of Bugles . The man started telling her about his home in the North woods . He talked about the bears that would play in his yard , and about the snowmobiles that he would teach her to ride if she wanted . He told her about a life so different than her own that it sounded like a dream . She was smiling non stop when he asked her if she wanted to come live with him there . She looked at her mother who was also smiling , her red lipstick and black hair made her look like Elizabeth Taylor , except her mom did not have lavender eyes . Her eyes were a similar shade of her own hazel green . They all laughed then . The girl drank her Dr . Pepper and ate the rest of her chips as the grown ups talked . Visions of playing with bears and riding snowmobiles through the woods entertained her throughout the evening . Grandma came into her room and kissed her on the forehead . She pretended to be asleep , because she was afraid her grandma might be mad at her for some reason . Her mother had told her grandma that she was doing it all for her . . . so she felt responsible for the look of worry that was on her Grandma 's face now . She awoke to the sun shining in from the big bay windows in her Grandma 's bedroom . She looked over to where her Grandma sat at the edge of the bed . She started to ask about where her mom and ' Dad ' where . . . and her grandma just looked at her and explained that her ' father ' was gone . . . back up north . And when the girl looked confused , her grandma went on to explain that he had lied to her . When grandma left the room , the young girl fell back against the squeeky mattress , and put her pillow over her face . she curled up her legs and thought about the events of last night . What did she do wrong ? Was it all her silly talk about the movie ' Grease ' , was it the way she ate her food ? Her stepfather hated how she picked at her food . She stayed in bed for a while longer until she heard her Grandma unlock the door to let her mother into the apartment . The girl got up and sat at the dining table next to her mother . A bowl of fruitloops sat untouched in front of her . Her mother was wearing a pretty skirt and floral top , but now her face , once radiant and pretty , seemed pale and drawn . She said he was gone when she phoned his hotel room that morning . He had left without a word . The girl started reminding her mother about all the promises that he had made . . . What about the cabin in the woods ? What about the little bear cubs ? " He is coming back for us Mama ! " " You are wrong ! He is my Dad and he loves me ! I will live with him in the forest with his bears and his snowmobile , You will see ! " insisted the girl . " When he found out you were a girl , he did not even want to see you because he already had two daughters , and was hoping you were the son that he wanted ! . . He never gave you anything except that stupid bag of chips and a soda ! You do not owe him more than that ! So stop telling me how wonderful he is . . . He is not your Dad , he is your biological father , but not your Dad ! He is a liar and nothing else , do you understand ? " It was the first day back to school . She had confided her secret to her best friend Cindy . When the new teacher called out her name for attendance , her friend promptly told the teacher and everyone else that her name was not right . . . Cindy told the teacher that she has a different father now , and then she told her the name that had been confided to her just the day before . The teacher asked the girl if this was correct , and she nodded yes . The teacher then sent the girl to the office in order to straighten out the confusion . She glared at Cindy before leaving the classroom . And then she told the secretary in the office , that she was just kidding when she told her friend about having a different father . She walked back to her class telling herself that she really was her father 's daughter . You belong to your father , the devil , and you want to carry out your father 's desires . He was a murderer from the beginning , not holding to the truth , for there is no truth in him . When he lies , he speaks his native language , for he is a liar and the father of lies . . . John 8 : 44 The minister was talking about heaven . The teenager wanted to cry , but she would not let the tears out . . . she could not . . . She had trained herself for so long now not to cry except while alone in her bedroom . . . so she looked up and counted the tiles of the funeral parlor 's vaulted cieling instead . Anyone watching her in the cramped and crowded room would surely think she was strange . . . She did not care , she would rather they think of her as a little strange , than to have a complete meltdown in front of them here . The closeness of the family members , mostly all very distant , were gathered so tightly in the stuffy room . The scent of thier perfumes and deodorants mixing together made her nauseous . She was not only fighting tears , but fighting the contents of her stomach as well . . . She thought about how they might react if she gave way to either . . . or even both right then and there . . . Would they have to call an ambulance to come and take her kicking and screaming out of there ? She hadn 't had an episode like that since she was four . She could not even remember what had caused her tantrum then . . . but she felt like , if she let one tear slide through the gates of her eyes now . . . that is what would likely follow . So she continued to count tiles . She counted 134 . Her Grandma would have been proud of her self control at the time , if she were not lying in that casket at the front of the room , even though she had always felt free to show her emotions in front of Grandma , be it tears , or anger , or the silliness of singing and dancing whenever the mood struck . But Grandma was gone now , and she was all alone with her emotions . She swam out to what was left of the old raft that she and her rainy day friend , Shelly had built just last summer when Shelly had decided to teach her how to swim . Well , she certainly learned real fast when the raft sank , and it was literally a matter of life or death as they were half way across the small lake that was a hangout for the kids of the trailer park , as well as their families on hot summer days . She had visited this place with her mother once as well , but because her mother had nearly drowned when she was young , she would never allow any of her children to go swimming for fear they would have the same experience . . . so the fact that she had secretly learned how to swim , and the circumstances surrounding it . . . was kept well hidden from her mother . But today she was all by herself as she clung onto the rotted boards , and she cried and she screamed . And she threw up into the water until she felt that she had completely emptied everything vile from her body . . . When she was finally empty and felt colder than she had ever felt before , she climbed out from the water and then her friends showed up telling her that her mother wanted her home ASAP . She looked down at her soaked clothing , and felt panic . Her friends said that she could go to their house first to dry her hair and clothes , and they would make sure her mother did not find out about her swim . Married to her best friend and the love of her life . With a baby daughter to love and protect ; the young woman of twenty picked up the bible that had belonged to her husband 's mother who had just passed away . She felt a certain draw as she read the words that had been underlined therein : but if anyone loves God , he is known by Him . Certainly , she had heard stories about God and his son Jesus . Her best friend who introduced her to her now husband back in highschool used to tell her a lot of things about Jesus . She did not understand them at the time though . . . but now . . . something was different . She decided to read the last book of the bible , and it was then that her heart became filled with fear . She bundled up her baby and walked to the little church where she had been married just over two years before . It was not very far from the house that they rented . . . just across the railroad tracks . . . They had lied to the neighbor girl 's parents and to her sister , telling them that they were going to the movies that evening . When the girl had a serious epileptic seizure from mixing alcohol with her anti - seizure medication , an ambulance was called and all the underaged party guests fled the scene except for her . The entire thing was blamed on her . . . even though she had been invited by her sisters neighbor . . . she had lied , and she had drank alcohol too , and now her friend was seriously ill . So she was off limits to her new friend who was more than happy to let all blame fall on her . . . She was , after all her father 's daughter ; the good families of any neighborhood could surely see that . and she could not blame them for protecting their children from the likes of her . She had called the pastor and he and his wife had agreed to meet with her to answer some questions . When they asked her if she knew that she was a sinner , the young woman answered that she had never killed anyone or robbed a bank or anything . The young couple smiled at her and then patiently explained that a sin was anything that is done that goes against God 's rules . And then they told her that everyone was a sinner . . . born that way . They asked her if she had ever lied . . . and she was tempted to lie then and tell them no ; that she hated liars . . . her mother hated liars , that nobody loved a liar . But instead she just began to cry . . . She could not stop the tears this time . . . What was it about this place . . . this church , that she could not stop the tears from falling . . . She handed her baby to the Pastor 's wife and she ran to the restroom . . . She looked at herself in the mirror and saw a snotty mess looking back at her . She wiped her nose , and splashed cold water onto her face and went back into the sanctuary where the young couple were praying . . . for her . She rejoined them , mumbling something about her runny nose . . . and the pastor 's wife told her that it was not a runny nose . . . but a cleansing . . . As she finally repented of her sins and invited jesus into her heart , she allowed the tears to flow freely as she was baptized by the Holy Spirit through them . That day as she stood upon wobbly legs that buckled until she found herself kneeling at the alter . . . She knelt in front of her Heavenly Father . . . meeting Him for the first time through Jesus His Son . She was honored to be called a daughter of the KING ! God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ . This is what he wanted to do , and it gave him great pleasure . Ephesians 1 : 5 The child climbed upon Her fathers lap . . . His big strong hands holding onto her securely . She looked up into His beautiful face and did not even notice the tears that were flowing from her eyes as she gazed upon him in adoration ! He was delighted to hold her close while he lovingly reached down and wiped away all of her tears and smiled at her . He had given her many gifts that she knew she did not deserve . . . But He assured her that it was His desire for her to have an abundance of good things . . . befitting a child of the King . DeniseMay 8 , 2013 at 2 : 18 PMWow , beyond powerful . I love you . ReplyDeleteNever ForsakenMay 8 , 2013 at 2 : 25 PMThank you Denise . . . This is truly a work in progress , just like us ! It was October Baby that helped me to decide to publish my stories . . . which is really God 's story about how much he loves me ! I love you too my dear heart to heart friend ! ReplyDeleteSandiMay 19 , 2014 at 8 : 22 PMPowerful stories , told with the clear voice of truth . Keep writing . It will accomplish much , like the verse about arrows , each hitting their target . Good work . ReplyDeleteNever ForsakenJune 7 , 2014 at 11 : 38 AMThanks you so much , Sandi for your words of encouragement ! ReplyDeleteSandiNovember 22 , 2014 at 8 : 41 AMBack to read again . . . I just saw your comments on Dee 's blog , One Foot Out of the Box . This time something struck me : " He doesn 't love you . . . " I don 't think that was true . Do you know much about his early life ? Sometimes people just don 't work right . Hearts and minds can be damaged and broken , just like a physical deformity or injury . I think . . . just in my heart as I read this . . . he did love you . ReplyDeleteNever ForsakenNovember 24 , 2014 at 1 : 22 AMThanks for coming back to read again , Sandi . I have thought about the subject an awful lot , especially as of late since I only recently found a photo of my father . I sometimes imagine that perhaps my father regretted abandoning me , and as I try to piece together the little scraps of details that I 've been given . . . I tend to envision what my life might have turned out like had I been raised by the man . I can only conclude that everything happens for a reason . . and when the day comes for me to decide whether or not I hold anything against my father , I will say with all certainty that I forgive him . I also hope that he found the Lord ( and peace ) before his death in 2007 . No one really knows the heart of another . . . only God . ReplyDeleteKaren HullApril 6 , 2016 at 10 : 34 AMMy heart aches for the pain you endured . We 've both had similar childhoods and I believe we came out stronger in spite of what happened . YoA penny for your thoughts . . . Sorry , no robots allowed . . . you don 't have thoughts . |
What prompted this fantasy was a visit to a farm owned by one of our friends . They persuaded me to go riding , a thing I haven 't done for many years . My friend 's husband was very interested in me , talked a lot about the horses and asked where I had learned to ride and so on . Reliving my riding years during the day , it must have been very much on my mind when we returned , because this little story popped into my mind during the night and I have spent the time since getting it down on paper . Like so many other girls at that age , I was into horses when I was about 14 . I shared a horse with a lady called Fiona who was in her mid thirties . I used to call her Lady Fi . It was a good arrangement that lasted about 4 years . It was good because , during that time I was away a lot with the school and on summer holidays . During the year I was in the US , she was working from home and was only too happy to have the horse all to herself that year . On the other hand , when I was home , I did more than my share of looking after the horse , so it worked out very well . During the years , I also became very close friends with her . She didn 't appear to be much older than I was , despite the fact that she was almost twice my age . I could talk to her about everything , and she used to laugh at me when she heard me talking to the horse about my boyfriends . She taught me a lot about boys , and about myself for that matter . She had married early , and had divorced early and had no children . I think she thought of me as the daughter she could have had . But to me , she was as far from a mother ( or at least my own mother ) as you could imagine . She also had an active sex life and we often shared experiences and feelings . Even though my mother accepted that I was sleeping with my boyfriends , I could certainly not talk to her about the details of my sex life . Another true aspect of this story is that I was in love with the horse ! I had the horse during the years when I began to be very much into relationships with boys ; but for some reason I felt the horse was my best friend . When I went riding , I used to have long intimate conversations with him , talking to him about my friends and imagining that he would give me advice on how to go ahead with different boys . I loved the strong feeling of closeness when we rode together along the isolated paths in the forests , and I have to admit , that more often than what was probably good for me , I was getting off while riding . It was just so easy to ride the handle of the whip and let the motion of the horse do the rest . When I was out in the early morning with no risk ( or at least very little ) of meeting people , I would unbutton my shirt and enjoy the exposure of the cool morning air as I was getting off on the whip . I had dreams of riding into the forest naked , but never had the nerve . Topless was bad enough , but I could quickly button up the shirt . Getting riding trousers on and off involved getting off the horse , and I simply didn 't dare do that . Another part of the background to this story was the character James . He was a jockey and was always helping out on the farm , where he lived in a room on the first floor of the farmhouse . He was very nice and good - looking , but he also had a mean streak . He was not from a very good background , and my father really disliked him , practically forbidding me to have anything to do with him . This , of course , only made it so much more exciting . He was 25 when I started to ride , and he always ' helped ' the girls when he could get away with it ; I know of several other girls who had had relationships with him . They all complained afterward that he had been rough , that sex had been fantastic , but they didn 't dare to see him again . I always wondered what he did to the girls that scared them away like that . We were going off on vacation and we were going to be leaving the house around nine in the morning . I was supposed to have groomed Bono and given him a last ride before going away for three weeks , but I had gone out with a new friend the day before and hadn 't managed to get home in time . My father , as usual , was upset with me . He couldn 't understand how I could be so irresponsible . Between my father 's wrath and my own bad conscience towards Bono , I decided to get up really early , go for a good ride , groom him and clean his box in time to be back for a shower and breakfast before leaving . It was already light , being shortly after midsummer ; there was a slight mist over the ground , but I knew that would soon clear as the sun gathered strength and burnt it away . I quickly dressed in just a pair of dirty cut - offs , my riding bra and a simple T - shirt . I wasn 't intending to go for a long ride , and I didn 't want to clean the box in my good riding clothes . I didn 't usually do both on the same day . On my bike , it was only a short ride of ten minutes through the back alleys , across one field and through a bit of the forest . I rode fast , knowing the road like the back of my hand . The farm seemed deserted at that time of the morning ; I don 't think I had ever been there so early before . I was rather surprised , however , to see the stable door open and no sign of Bono . As I was standing there , still wondering where he could be and what to do now , I heard faint sounds from the large rink building where we usually exercised the horses in the winter . I dropped my bicycle and crossed the yard to the large gate and peeked inside . Down the other end I could see Fiona , practising dressage , as she liked to do with Bono . I never did that , I preferred riding in nature . Quietly , I went up to the elevated wooden walkway encircling the soft , and rather dirty area in the middle of the rink . Fiona still hadn 't seen me , so I just stood quietly admiring Bono 's steps . I didn 't even know he could do that sort of thing so well . Fiona wore only a loose - hanging dress , and I was just wondering why she was riding in clothes like that , when she turned Bono and saw me . Across the rink I could clearly hear her gasp of surprise as she saw me . She stopped Bono and just sat there staring at me . I waved and called out to her . She slowly rode Bono over to the edge of the spectator area where I was standing . I didn 't really think that was fair . I had been there early before ; at least as early as eight . But I guess she meant as early as this , even though eight was very early for me . As I spoke I was staring at Fiona 's dress . It seemed as if she had just come straight from a party . It certainly wasn 't a riding dress . It was very thin ; I could clearly see her breasts through it , which also surprised me . She was the one who had taught me to always wear a bra when riding , both because otherwise it was very uncomfortable , and also because she said it ruined the tissue so you got sagging breasts much too early . " But what are you doing down here so early , and dressed like that . Did you come straight from a party or what ? " Our relationship was such that it was perfectly okay to ask a question like that . " No , wait a minute Jenny . I . . . " she started , and then stopped , blushing . " This is kind of embarrassing , but I have meant to show you this for some time anyway . " She rode Bono over , close to the wooden planks , and started to get off the horse , with what I thought was a very awkward movement . The hem of the dress caught on something on the saddle as she swung her leg over , revealing the fact that she was wearing nothing under the dress . As she ripped the dress loose , I was still looking at her bare bum , but quickly looked up , somewhat flushed , when she turned around . She was blushing even more than I was , but that was only until I noticed what the dress had caught on . Still swaying slightly , was the largest dildo I had ever seen , completely lifelike , even down to the colouring and veins . It was still shining wet . I had only recently had some experiences with dildos , but they had been the plain ordinary ones ; I had never seen one like this before - and certainly not one mounted like this . I went completely hot and must have blushed like a tomato , because Fiona laughed a little nervous laugh when she saw my reaction . " I 'm sorry I came down here when you were doing . . . that . . . " I couldn 't find the words . This was terribly embarrassing . I felt it was all wrong that I should have seen her doing that . At the same time I couldn 't tear my eyes away from the dildo , getting me all warm and soft in the belly from watching it , still swaying very slightly with every move from Bono . " It 's okay , " she repeated . " Of all the people to see it , you are the one I mind the least . As a matter of fact I was going to show it to you one day , in case you would be interested in trying it yourself . I just never got around to it . It is a little embarrassing , I admit . " But she didn 't look embarrassed any more . Rather , she had a kind of dreamy expression on her face . " A guy I used to date made this one for me . It is an exact replica of his dick . I helped make the mould . He was very handy , but it still took him quite some time to get it ready " . " Well , he wasn 't always the easiest guy to be with . I finally broke up with him , but I missed the sex with him so much , I finally went back to him just for the sex . He started to realise that I was hooked on the physical sex because of his size , and that it wasn 't really him I wanted . That was okay with him , but at some point he jokingly suggested that we could plant a copy of his dick on my horse , which seemed to be the only other thing I really loved . Even though it was only said as a joke , the idea grew on me . I told him , and he laughingly said I could help him make it . He gave it to me on the condition that I would grant him one wish , to be cashed in at a later stage . I agreed and have never regretted it , even though I know I will hate him , when he calls in the favour " . I remembered that very well . I had come back from a ride where I had dropped my top and ridden through the dense forest . A branch had hit me and made a big mark across my shoulder and breast . She had helped me wash it and we had talked about my dream of riding naked . I didn 't need to reply . She knew very well that I remembered . My natural reaction was to say no , and make some excuse as to how I would find that too embarrassing , but I couldn 't even reply . My tongue felt like a loaf in my mouth . I could feel myself getting more and more hot at the idea . As I got more excited I also lost my inhibitions . This was really something I had dreamt about doing , not thinking I would ever have the nerve . Also , I couldn 't get that dildo out of my mind . " If anybody were to come , would you take my clothes and meet me behind the stables ? " I was getting used to the idea , and I had started to get excited about it . I would have to get clear of the yard , which was about 25 meters across , clearly visible from the farmhouse , but after that I could stay out of sight . Fiona must have read my thoughts . " If you go straight towards the small pond , as soon as you are hidden from view behind the stables , and then follow the path up to the pastures , and return through the fields at the back of the forest , nobody would be able to see you from here or from any of the roads . And if I see anybody I will just meet you with your clothes behind the stables . You should be okay " , she said quite convincingly . I was still hesitating . Bono was looking at me as if asking me why we weren 't going for a ride , now that I was here . A ray of sunlight was shining through one of the small windows , hitting Fiona . I could see small beads of sweat on her brow , and I could see her hard nipples through her thin dress . What was she getting so excited about , I thought . She was probably getting as excited from the idea as I was . I pulled the T - shirt off and put it on the banister while I still had the resolve , then the bra , all of a sudden feeling very exposed in the large building . I looked around . I took another deep breath and unbuttoned my jeans . I pulled down both my jeans and panties in one movement . I knew Fiona was staring at me . I didn 't mind her watching , but I felt silly standing here completely naked . Imagine what people would think if anybody did come by early . Ouch ! First it was a bit difficult to sit properly . The stirrups were shorter than I was used to , and the dildo was right where I needed to sit . Fortunately the saddle was rather longer than normal , so I sat a bit further back and as I finally settled down on the saddle , I felt the dildo rub against the front of my pussy , only a fraction of an inch from my clit . It was still wet from Fiona 's ride . But that didn 't matter ; already I could feel my own juices greasing the saddle . It felt wet and cold . It was time to get on with it . I urged Bono slowly forward . Despite Fiona 's assurances that there would be nobody around , I wasn 't going to charge out of the rink door stark naked . I stopped and had a careful look outside , but I could see nothing wrong , so I kicked Bono into motion and shot across the yard as fast as was safe on the cobbled stones . Halfway across the yard , what I was doing suddenly hit me hard . I couldn 't believe it . I looked up to the right and could clearly see through the windows of the farmhouse into the living room . The windows on the top floor belonged to the staff who lived there permanently . Should anybody actually be watching , all they had to do was to look out the window , and they would see the little rich girl Jennifer , flying across the yard , stark naked , and with a huge dildo digging into her stomach , as she leaned forward across the back of the horse , trying to hide her bouncing breasts . But by then I was behind the stables out of view , and I quickly started to feel better . As a matter of fact , it wasn 't long before I started to feel much better . Where the dildo was fastened to the saddle there was a little mound . To the back of the dildo the mound had a small , protruding knob , and on the front of it the mound , bent upwards and ended in what looked like small brushes , which were clearly designed to stimulate the clit . However , I was now riding the knob , and with each stride I was gliding up and down the back of the dildo , landing hard on the knob each time I came down . The still , cool , morning air felt cold where I was getting wet , an area which was quickly spreading as I was writhing all over the saddle . I stopped by the side of the pond . It was completely quiet . There was a vague mist over the reeds along the edge and a smell of damp earth . I couldn 't help it . I was going to try to sit on the dildo . It was so big . But when I sat on it , it was being pressed down on the saddle and I could slide forward on it until the head was at my pussy opening . I leaned further forward , stood up in the stirrups and caught the head as it tried to slide back up behind me . I had to lean on one hand , almost lifting myself off the saddle to get up in the right position to start sliding it in . The head slipped in with some trouble , but as I slowly rocked forward and backwards , the lubrication spread further down the shaft , and I could slowly rock it in further and further as I carefully lowered myself onto it . Some of the guys I had been with had had what I thought were big dicks , but I couldn 't believe the feelings from this . It felt like being filled up . Each rocking motion was so clearly felt . Often during sex , I only felt it when the guys ' pelvis hit mine , but here I could feel the movement of the head so clearly as it moved inside me . Bono had impatiently started to move forward , and I just let him trot slowly ahead . I could now sit upright , with straight legs . I let Bono pick up speed and as his movements and not mine , started to move the dick inside me , my excitement grew even further . It was a completely different feeling when it wasn 't my own movements . I could feel it slipping a bit further in with each move , and it didn 't feel bad . Not at all ! We were moving up the forest path and I had to lean forward a bit because of the slope . That seemed to make it possible for the dildo to slide even further in . I thought I could feel it hit my cervix and I felt I had still another inch to go before I could relax in a sitting position . I didn 't know if I could cope with that . Bono 's movements were stronger now that he had to work his way up steep slope , and I had to concentrate on riding him . But I couldn 't prevent the movements , which kept plunging the dildo in and out . Fortunately , it didn 't seem to matter . I was surprised when I realised that I had actually hit the saddle . The head of the dildo must have just pushed further up inside me than I had thought possible . Now the feeling was almost overpowering . I could clearly feel each plunge , four to five inches out and then a hard plunge back in , which was so strongly felt all the way inside me , and on top of that , my clit now hit the bristle hairs of the raised knob in front . The shape of the mound forced my labial lips apart so the small , hard - rubber hairs shaped themselves around my clit , attacking it from all sides , like a mouth sucking it each time it landed on it . Furthermore , the little knob I had enjoyed riding on down to the pond , now worked itself just half an inch into my butt hole . Not a deep penetration , but strongly enough to stimulate that area as well . I was losing touch with the surrounding world , just letting Bono pick up speed now that we had reached the summit and had a good long stretch ahead of us . Just as much as my excitement rose , so did my frustration . The speed of the plunging was too slow . I felt I was building up towards an orgasm , but it just never came . I tried to move faster , but it was impossible as I had to follow the rhythm of Bono 's strides . I tried to make him speed up , but I was also very much aware that I wasn 't wearing my riding helmet , and I didn 't want to reach a speed where riding became dangerous . That thought was further enhanced as , in the distance I could see that the gate to the field at the end of the forest path was shut . It wasn 't very high , and several times I had jumped it easily , but despite my lack of touch with reality , I was sane enough not to attempt a jump without a helmet . Also , I had no idea what a jump would do the my insides , as I would have to have stood up in the saddle and land , probably not too gently , back on the saddle with ten inches of dildo inside me . I slowed down as I approached the gate . Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a movement . I froze , as out of the bushes next to the gate , a shape appeared . I quickly crossed my arms in front of my breasts and sat upright to hide the dildo , which otherwise might have been visible between my legs . Petrified , I watched as the shape turned into a huntsman in camouflage outfit . He stared open - mouthed at me . I couldn 't speak or move , and for a while it appeared he couldn 't either . He finally spoke " Nice morning for a ride . " He appeared to be in his fifties . Military looking with a moustache and army type shooting or hunting glasses . He openly stared at me now that the initial surprise had disappeared . I couldn 't find anything suitable to reply , still frozen in shock and embarrassment . " Please , " I whispered with a croaking voice , " would you mind opening the gate for me ? " There was no way I was going to get off Bono to open it myself with him watching . I can 't imagine my embarrassment if he had appeared just a few seconds later , when in order to open the gate myself , I would have been off Bono with the dildo towering on the saddle . There wasn 't much I could do . I guess I could have turned around and rode back , but I didn 't really want to . I needed to get out in the open and go for a fast ride on the stretch back to the farm . Anyway , he had probably seen my breasts as I rode up to the gate before I saw him . And suddenly the feeling of exposing myself to him felt exciting . I blushed , which he probably took as embarrassment , but it was really me feeling guilty at my own feelings of wanting him to see my breasts . Slowly I lowered my hands to rest on the saddle , putting a little weight on them , raising me just a little off the dildo , but hiding it with my hands . The move released my breasts and pushed them upwards and forward , making the exploding nipples stand out even more . I could feel the rays of sunshine through the trees warming up the front of my body , obviously also providing good illumination for him to have a perfect view . I was wondering what this was doing to him , as I watched him slowly move ahead to open the gate , never taking his eyes of me . My eyes finally locked with his and as the gate swung open and Bono , of his own accord , started to move , I let myself down on the saddle again , almost climaxing right there in front of him , from the contact on my highly excited clit . I shuddered as I moved past him . I was still shaking uncontrollably , and as Bono quickly gathered speed , I was again forced to move up and down on the dildo while probably still within viewing distance of the huntsman . But I didn 't care any more , because the excitement had made me come close to climaxing , and now the movements were bringing me to my peak very quickly . I worked against Bono 's moves meeting him on the way up and allowing his downwards movements to lift me halfway off the dildo , before I again rammed back onto the saddle . Bono must have wandered what kind of a rider I was today , because , usually , I follow his moves smoothly . Soon I felt as if an electric current was running through me ; I shuddered with cramp which made me slide around on the mount , caressing my clit , stretching back while the knob dug further into my butt hole . I was hardly able to keep my balance on Bono , who was slowing down with the strange movements going on his back . However , he was still going fast enough to stretch out the orgasm so I thought it would never end . I was still shaking and riding the dildo in aftershocks when I realised I was getting close to the farm . I collapsed over Bono 's back trying to stand up and get the dildo out of me , but my legs were shaking and Bono moving too fast for me to be able to raise myself up high enough . I just stayed down over his back trying to minimise the movements of the dildo in order to prevent the oncoming of the next orgasm that was lurking just a few moments away . Fortunately , I reached the yard before it happened . This time I didn 't stop to see if anybody was looking , I just wanted to get into the rink building as fast possible . I hadn 't seen Fiona outside , so I assumed I had a clear path ahead , bending under the archway of the gate and finally coming to a stop half way towards the spectator stand and waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness inside . Bono was still moving slowly towards the stand where Fiona was waiting . I was still panting , my legs were shaking , and I was just slowly coming off my high . As my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could clearly see Fiona . I thought she looked strained . Then I realised that the clothes I had left on the handrail were missing . It didn 't bother me as much as it made me wonder . Then my thoughts froze in panic for the second time in only a short while , when out of the shadows behind Fiona , another person appeared . I looked at James . My heart , which had begun to slow down , was beating wildly again now . I had an inner love / hate relationship with him . I think every single girl from my age and up , and probably some younger than that , had had a crush on him , and most of them had been to bed with him . Being a jockey , he was rather small , but he was extremely lean and muscular . He was not a typical Scandinavian guy . He must have had either some gypsy , Latino or Central American blood in him . Probably , that was why so many girls found him attractive . However , he just used the girls . He was never seen with the same girl for more than a couple of weeks , and the girls never spoke of him afterwards , they just avoided him . That made him even more interesting to the others . I had been quite taken with him at one time , but my father , who also had followed my riding exercises , had expressly forbidden me to have anything to do with him . As I was scared of both my father and James , I had managed to obey him , even though I had almost failed at a recent party where , in a bit of a drunken state , I had allowed him to dance rather close and intimately with me . I still remember his hands under my T - shirt , expertly playing with my nipple through the bra , and almost making me lose it , enough to forget about my father 's order when his hands had slipped down the cup of the bra , and attacked my naked nipple . However , when I came to my senses I gave him a knee in the crotch , which , probably , I shouldn 't have done . When he recovered , he swore he would get back at me . And it appeared that this was exactly what was happening right now . My immediate reaction was to turn Bono round and get away . But then I realised that I didn 't have my clothes . How far would I get without them ? How embarrassing would it be , if or when , I met somebody ? Even if I rode over to the farmhouse and got the caretaker , I would have to leave Bono out of sight or first get the saddle off him . And I would still have a lot of explaining to do , and I certainly couldn 't be sure it would be the caretaker I would find . He might keep it a secret between us , but nobody else would ; I was just thinking about the reaction of my parents . I had already decided to stay and see what happened when James made a sound with his mouth , which immediately brought Bono forward . It was James 's job to keep the horses exercised when the owners couldn 't , and he had a very good relationship with all the horses . I just let Bono walk slowly towards him . " Okay , James . You obviously have my clothes . Could you let me know what is going on ? What is it you expect me to do ? " I was feeling brave , and now also a bit angry , not least with myself , as I felt Bono 's slow movements already beginning to get me excited again " . I did , wondering if this would not have happened if I had let him continue that night at the dance . I should have felt worried , pissed off , embarrassed or frightened . I did feel all those things , but they were overshadowed by guilt , knowing that my nipples had again got hard and that I was finding it difficult to sit still on Bono . He was staring openly at my exposed breasts . Earlier this summer some of the girls had been sunbathing topless at the pool behind the farm . I had gone there after a ride , intending to do the same , until I realised that James was there ; I just couldn 't bring myself to drop my bra while he was watching . However , even though he had had plenty of opportunity to watch bare breasts , it had been my breasts , covered by my thin , and half - transparent bra that had his attention . I remember feeling embarrassed by my very visibly erect nipples , which the bra was totally unable to hide from his stare . Now that he had the opportunity to watch them uncovered , he certainly used it fully . " Fiona owed me a favour and the other day when I asked her to help me get back at you for the other night at the disco , at first she refused ; then she realised that she couldn 't . We have been waiting for an opportunity , which arose last night , when your dad called Fiona to find out if you had yet been down to see Bono . We realised that you would probably have to come down early today . " Bono moved the last bit over to the raised edge , and I didn 't stop him . Before I knew what he was up to , James had swung himself up on Bono , squeezing into the saddle behind me , forcing me forward , harder onto the dildo . I gasped , both with the fright of his movements and with the sensation of the dildo digging itself even further into me . James slapped Bono on the hind quarters and soon we were bolting out of the rink building . I only just managed to bend down under the arch of the doorway as we sprinted across the yard again . This time I wasn 't concerned with the farmhouse , only with the sensation of sitting naked with James behind me and the dildo again hard at work inside me . James had the reins now , I was leaning back against him , trying to get away from the clit stimulator which was threatening to release another orgasm soon if I wasn 't careful . This whole situation was embarrassing enough without coming in James 's arms . However , I didn 't know what I had coming . " Oh shit , " I said , just as much to myself . I had been kidding myself into believing he didn 't know about that . But as soon as he said it , it dawned on me how stupid I had been . Fiona owed him a favour , so he must have been the one who had made the saddle for her . As I realised that it was an exact replica of his dick that was inside me , I started to come . James hadn 't even touched my tits ; he was just looking at them over my shoulder as I leant back against him . But he didn 't need to . He probably got off on the idea that I was getting fucked by his dick as we rode , and he probably guessed , I had already been good and well fucked by it on my ride . " James , you are just so bloody unbelievably wicked , " I groaned as the first spasms hit me making it obvious to him what was happening . " Hold me tight , " I begged . His hands found my breasts and nipples , his mouth slid around my neck and received my mouth which was now turned towards him , hungry for a kiss . Bono had slowed to a stop now that James had dropped the reins . James slid a hand down my front and lifted up the clit stimulator , rubbing it harder and faster against me . I only realised that I had let out a loud scream when the echo from the forest hit me . At the height of the orgasm I almost fell off Bono . I don 't know if I actually could fall with the dildo inside me , but as it was , James caught me . I again collapsed over Bono 's mane . I was sobbing . This was really too much for me . James just watched me . Finally he gripped my shoulders and pulled me back up . I collapsed in his arms , but as Bono started to move again , I just couldn 't stand any more . " James , please . I 've got to get off this thing . " I tried to lift myself up , but my legs were shaking too much . James got Bono to stop and supported me as I leant forward and stood up in the stirrups , but still the dildo head wouldn 't come free . I felt James put his arms under my legs and lift me the last inch until it finally slipped out . As I lowered myself onto the saddle again I felt it slide up my back , and as I rested back against James , I felt it lodge between us . I had a picture in my mind of what this would look like if he had been naked as well , with the two dicks caught between us . We rode quietly back to the stables . I don 't remember much of that ride . I was exhausted , both physically and mentally , but in a strange way , it felt nice being in James 's control . With what had just happened , I felt as though I was just giving myself over to him and it didn 't matter . I don 't know what he did to the other girls and I didn 't care . When we arrived at the stables we rode into the building and found Bono 's box . James got off and helped me down . I didn 't even bother to try to hide my naked state . Let him watch , there really wasn 't anything that could happen that was more humiliating than what had occurred in the last ten minutes . " Nope , not just yet . I want you to take care of Bono , and get him settled in his box . I 'll just stay here and watch . " I wondered if Bono could feel something strange going on . He seemed more loving than normal . He kept nudging me when I passed in front of him . It was as if he was staring at me as well . Sometimes I had to lean against him , and it felt oddly arousing to feel his short stubby hairs caressing my exposed breasts and very sensitive nipples . " Back here in my own harness store , " James replied , and led me to a smaller room next to the general harness room . The door was already unlocked . Inside were all James 's private saddles and harnesses he used for his racing . I had never been in there before . I hadn 't even been aware that a room like that existed . " Up there on the shelf , and then with the curtain pulled in front , " James directed . It was hard to reach , but I finally made it . When I got down from the small stepladder I had used , I turned around and was startled when I looked back at James . He had dropped his trousers , and now only wore a tight , khaki - coloured T - shirt . Despite the fact that I knew the dildo had been moulded with his dick , I still gasped at the sight of it . The dildo looked big on the back of Bono , but it was completely unnatural on a body the size of James . I stared in fascination as it grew into its full size , pointing straight at me . " Jenny , I really like you a lot . I have been very hot for you for a while . I find you so sexy , and the fact that you have appeared so unobtainable has just made it worse " . " I have had a lot of your friends in this room . Some screamed when they saw the size of my dick . Even though they had first wanted me to take them in here , they wanted out when they saw it , but I wouldn 't let them out . Dick teasers . Once they got me excited , I wasn 't going to let them off so easily . Some of them I have had to tie and gag . I knew they wouldn 't come near me again afterwards , but there always seemed to be somebody else who was willing , so what the hell . Fiona is the only one I have known who actually enjoyed it , and even she won 't go in here with me any more . " I shivered as one hand travelled down my stomach slipping between my legs . I was still soaking wet , and it wasn 't just from the ride . His hands on my breasts , the thought of him practically raping the other girls in here , and the thought of his monster dick occasionally striking my skin , had me going again . " I had decided I was going to have you in here , no matter what . I had dreams of tying you up and hearing you scream and moan as I fucked you , but I love the way you have reacted today . And I am so excited by the fact that you managed to take the dildo all the way . I have never tried that with any of the other girls . I just feel I can 't do this against your will , but I am exploding with desire for you . And I feel that , maybe , you are not entirely indifferent either ? " Very perceptive of him . My love / hate relationship was certainly not turning towards love , but the hate had disappeared . I could understand his frustration with the other girls all going for him , and then , once they had him all excited , wanting out . I also had this funny feeling of enjoying the submission . He was really forbidden fruit , but I was past that stage . His hand had found my clit , and I willingly spread my legs and pushed my pelvis forward to give him better access . He lifted me up onto a workbench , spreading my legs and standing between them while slowly kissing me . I couldn 't cope with slow kisses . I kissed him back with eager hunger . As his mouth left mine and travelled down my neck towards my breasts , I leant back . As there was nothing to lean against , I gripped some of the grimes hanging from the wall and clutched them . His mouth had just lightly caressed my nipples and now it was continuing down between my legs . I pulled my legs as far apart as I could . I put one foot in a stirrup belonging to a saddle hanging over a saddle stand on the floor , and the other against the wall running perpendicular to the table I was splayed out on . I was able to fit the other foot into some reins hanging there . I was subconsciously adopting a position where I imagined myself being tied up and totally in the power of James . I wondered what he had used to tie the girls with and how he had gagged them . His tongue was working on my clit . I was thinking of the tied - up girls , what they might have felt and their frightened screams as they desperately tried to avoid the monster dick they feared would take them apart . I was happy I knew I could cope , and I couldn 't wait for it . " James , please hurry , I want you now . " I didn 't mind begging . I wanted him to feel that for a change , somebody was looking forward to being fucked by him . He stepped all the way up to me . He had to hold on to his dick and lower it to my pussy , poised just at the edge of the table . I kept looking at it , as the head , this time slipped in easily . I knew he was looking in my eyes for signs of pain or discomfort as he slowly pushed it further in . This was different from the dildo . It was warm , soft and well greased by its own accord , not like the hard , cold dildo . And then it was attached to James and not to Bono . James gripped my hips and slid it slowly in as far as he felt he could go in one move . I let out a small scream . Not in pain , but in extreme pleasure . James recognised it for the pleasure it was , moved a bit back and then pushed all the way home . I felt like I was exploding . I could feel him so clearly . He leant a bit over me , making his pelvic bone hit my , by now , super - sensitive clit , and I am afraid I let out another small scream . As a matter of fact , I couldn 't help it , but as each thrust touched bottom , I shuddered as if in a small orgasm and moaned loudly , that was how strong the sensation was . This time there was no slow motion dictated by Bono 's speed . James was speeding up . I let go of the harnesses and wrapped my arms around him , trying to direct his speed towards my own needs . It took me no time at all to reach my first orgasm ; my whole system was tuned into sex that morning . I was hanging on to him as I was being shaken by the spasms , but I don 't think James even noticed . He kept working at full tilt . When I was able to , I let go of him and leant back on the tabletop on my elbows . His eyes met mine , but he didn 't stop . I looked down , observing how his long , thick dick pumped in and out of me . I still couldn 't believe its size . If I hadn 't already known it was possible , I would have been scared witless by the thought of having that huge thing inside me . As it was , it was fantastic . I caught hold of the reins again with one hand , putting the other one between my legs , trying to grip the dick as it moved in and out . No way could I close my hand around it , but I could apply extra pressure . James took longer strokes , pulling his dick all the way out , so my hand would cup his dick - head , before plunging it in again . My hand was directing it so it hit the top of my pussy before it slipped in again . I could see on James 's face that this had an increased effect on him . Now it was his turn to let out small yelps at each thrust . Soon he gave up the long thrusts , and just worked it out into my now , well - lubricated hand , and then back in again , in small , rabbit - like movements . He was close to coming when all of a sudden another orgasm hit me like an express train . I hadn 't felt it coming , but just as he exploded , so did I . I looked down in my hand and could see the jet of semen shooting out into my hand when the head was outside . I grabbed hard at it each time it slipped into me , milking it of all the semen . James was slowing down and my aftershocks subsiding . Finally he stayed outside me , while I rubbed the head up and down my pussy until he had to take my hand away because he couldn 't stand it any more . " I am glad to see you are enjoying it . The voice came from behind James and belonged to Fiona . James jumped , but didn 't turn around . The sentence was obviously directed towards me . " The other girls used to scream in pain and frustration at this point . That was the reason I stopped my relationship with James . I was revolted by what he was doing to those girls . " It felt all wrong sitting here like that with James as she was standing leaning against the doorway , observing the scene . I did notice however , that she had my clothes in her hand . I sat up . " Fiona , now that you apparently have repaid your debt to James , would you mind giving me back my clothes . " I was wiping my hand on James 's back getting rid of the handful of semen that had collected in my hand . I was wondering how she knew about the other girls . Had she been involved in setting that up as well ? James stood back a bit . Still not turning round , but watching me as I sat up . He pulled back a bit as Fiona handed me my clothes . I put on the bra and T - shirt while still sitting on the table . " Hand me a towel or something , " I said to James , who obediently found a box of paper towels . I wiped myself as clean as I could , not caring that he was still watching me intently . Finally , somewhat dryer , I jumped off the table and pulled on my panties and shorts ; I was dressed again the first time in what seemed like hours , but in reality had only been about an hour and a half . I still had plenty of time to get home , but no time to clean out the box or Bono . " Fiona , since you were the cause of me using my time in this way , you really have to do the cleaning for me . I have to get home now . My dad will kill me if I am late . " I looked at James who was still only staring at me . His huge dick was now limp , but still large . He hadn 't turned around or even acknowledged Fiona 's presence . " Jenny , I can 't believe this happened . I was dying to do this , and now I feel all bad about it . Do you think you can forgive me ? " He sounded like he was really sorry , but I couldn 't forgive him . " James , I will never forgive you . It was an experience which I will always remember , and I don 't mind admitting that it was very , very good , but I can 't forgive you for the way it happened . " I pulled him down for a kiss , which turned out to be longer than I had planned . When I finally moved away from him , I noticed that his dick was starting to get hard again . I turned , and in passing Fiona on the way out , winked at her , pointing at James 's dick as I whispered in her ear " Go for it " . She just laughed at me , and then I was out in the stables . I quickly got onto my bike and before long I had put the farm behind me , but I never was able to put the experience behind me . I had a fabulous vacation , and was happy to find when I returned , that the guy I had met the night before leaving , was still waiting for me when I got home . I only went riding once after I got home . I met both James and Fiona on that occasion , and felt so uncomfortable that I felt really bad about going back again . I never got over that . I wanted to enjoy my new love without being reminded of James or the way Fiona had tricked me . I never made it back to the farm after that . My dad thought it was just my new boyfriend , and was slightly mad at me ( as usual ) for giving it up after he had spent so much money on horses and training . But , there you go , that 's what you can expect from teenage daughters I guess . Read 64358 times | My ex - wife is not allowing me to have my legal vostiatiin rights . She is threatening me and not letting me see my daughter unless it is under her schedule . Instead of being able to have her every other weekend , I am now told by her , that I can only see her on Sundays from 2 - 7 : 30 p . m . , otherwise she is taking me to court . Looking for some free legal consultation . the ending kind of put me off . " i guess that 's what you expect from a teenage daughter ? " i know some very dedicated and responsible girls who ride , and that generalization is unfair and innacurate . However , the rest of this story was very good . |
What prompted this fantasy was a visit to a farm owned by one of our friends . They persuaded me to go riding , a thing I haven 't done for many years . My friend 's husband was very interested in me , talked a lot about the horses and asked where I had learned to ride and so on . Reliving my riding years during the day , it must have been very much on my mind when we returned , because this little story popped into my mind during the night and I have spent the time since getting it down on paper . Like so many other girls at that age , I was into horses when I was about 14 . I shared a horse with a lady called Fiona who was in her mid thirties . I used to call her Lady Fi . It was a good arrangement that lasted about 4 years . It was good because , during that time I was away a lot with the school and on summer holidays . During the year I was in the US , she was working from home and was only too happy to have the horse all to herself that year . On the other hand , when I was home , I did more than my share of looking after the horse , so it worked out very well . During the years , I also became very close friends with her . She didn 't appear to be much older than I was , despite the fact that she was almost twice my age . I could talk to her about everything , and she used to laugh at me when she heard me talking to the horse about my boyfriends . She taught me a lot about boys , and about myself for that matter . She had married early , and had divorced early and had no children . I think she thought of me as the daughter she could have had . But to me , she was as far from a mother ( or at least my own mother ) as you could imagine . She also had an active sex life and we often shared experiences and feelings . Even though my mother accepted that I was sleeping with my boyfriends , I could certainly not talk to her about the details of my sex life . Another true aspect of this story is that I was in love with the horse ! I had the horse during the years when I began to be very much into relationships with boys ; but for some reason I felt the horse was my best friend . When I went riding , I used to have long intimate conversations with him , talking to him about my friends and imagining that he would give me advice on how to go ahead with different boys . I loved the strong feeling of closeness when we rode together along the isolated paths in the forests , and I have to admit , that more often than what was probably good for me , I was getting off while riding . It was just so easy to ride the handle of the whip and let the motion of the horse do the rest . When I was out in the early morning with no risk ( or at least very little ) of meeting people , I would unbutton my shirt and enjoy the exposure of the cool morning air as I was getting off on the whip . I had dreams of riding into the forest naked , but never had the nerve . Topless was bad enough , but I could quickly button up the shirt . Getting riding trousers on and off involved getting off the horse , and I simply didn 't dare do that . Another part of the background to this story was the character James . He was a jockey and was always helping out on the farm , where he lived in a room on the first floor of the farmhouse . He was very nice and good - looking , but he also had a mean streak . He was not from a very good background , and my father really disliked him , practically forbidding me to have anything to do with him . This , of course , only made it so much more exciting . He was 25 when I started to ride , and he always ' helped ' the girls when he could get away with it ; I know of several other girls who had had relationships with him . They all complained afterward that he had been rough , that sex had been fantastic , but they didn 't dare to see him again . I always wondered what he did to the girls that scared them away like that . We were going off on vacation and we were going to be leaving the house around nine in the morning . I was supposed to have groomed Bono and given him a last ride before going away for three weeks , but I had gone out with a new friend the day before and hadn 't managed to get home in time . My father , as usual , was upset with me . He couldn 't understand how I could be so irresponsible . Between my father 's wrath and my own bad conscience towards Bono , I decided to get up really early , go for a good ride , groom him and clean his box in time to be back for a shower and breakfast before leaving . It was already light , being shortly after midsummer ; there was a slight mist over the ground , but I knew that would soon clear as the sun gathered strength and burnt it away . I quickly dressed in just a pair of dirty cut - offs , my riding bra and a simple T - shirt . I wasn 't intending to go for a long ride , and I didn 't want to clean the box in my good riding clothes . I didn 't usually do both on the same day . On my bike , it was only a short ride of ten minutes through the back alleys , across one field and through a bit of the forest . I rode fast , knowing the road like the back of my hand . The farm seemed deserted at that time of the morning ; I don 't think I had ever been there so early before . I was rather surprised , however , to see the stable door open and no sign of Bono . As I was standing there , still wondering where he could be and what to do now , I heard faint sounds from the large rink building where we usually exercised the horses in the winter . I dropped my bicycle and crossed the yard to the large gate and peeked inside . Down the other end I could see Fiona , practising dressage , as she liked to do with Bono . I never did that , I preferred riding in nature . Quietly , I went up to the elevated wooden walkway encircling the soft , and rather dirty area in the middle of the rink . Fiona still hadn 't seen me , so I just stood quietly admiring Bono 's steps . I didn 't even know he could do that sort of thing so well . Fiona wore only a loose - hanging dress , and I was just wondering why she was riding in clothes like that , when she turned Bono and saw me . Across the rink I could clearly hear her gasp of surprise as she saw me . She stopped Bono and just sat there staring at me . I waved and called out to her . She slowly rode Bono over to the edge of the spectator area where I was standing . I didn 't really think that was fair . I had been there early before ; at least as early as eight . But I guess she meant as early as this , even though eight was very early for me . As I spoke I was staring at Fiona 's dress . It seemed as if she had just come straight from a party . It certainly wasn 't a riding dress . It was very thin ; I could clearly see her breasts through it , which also surprised me . She was the one who had taught me to always wear a bra when riding , both because otherwise it was very uncomfortable , and also because she said it ruined the tissue so you got sagging breasts much too early . " But what are you doing down here so early , and dressed like that . Did you come straight from a party or what ? " Our relationship was such that it was perfectly okay to ask a question like that . " No , wait a minute Jenny . I . . . " she started , and then stopped , blushing . " This is kind of embarrassing , but I have meant to show you this for some time anyway . " She rode Bono over , close to the wooden planks , and started to get off the horse , with what I thought was a very awkward movement . The hem of the dress caught on something on the saddle as she swung her leg over , revealing the fact that she was wearing nothing under the dress . As she ripped the dress loose , I was still looking at her bare bum , but quickly looked up , somewhat flushed , when she turned around . She was blushing even more than I was , but that was only until I noticed what the dress had caught on . Still swaying slightly , was the largest dildo I had ever seen , completely lifelike , even down to the colouring and veins . It was still shining wet . I had only recently had some experiences with dildos , but they had been the plain ordinary ones ; I had never seen one like this before - and certainly not one mounted like this . I went completely hot and must have blushed like a tomato , because Fiona laughed a little nervous laugh when she saw my reaction . " I 'm sorry I came down here when you were doing . . . that . . . " I couldn 't find the words . This was terribly embarrassing . I felt it was all wrong that I should have seen her doing that . At the same time I couldn 't tear my eyes away from the dildo , getting me all warm and soft in the belly from watching it , still swaying very slightly with every move from Bono . " It 's okay , " she repeated . " Of all the people to see it , you are the one I mind the least . As a matter of fact I was going to show it to you one day , in case you would be interested in trying it yourself . I just never got around to it . It is a little embarrassing , I admit . " But she didn 't look embarrassed any more . Rather , she had a kind of dreamy expression on her face . " A guy I used to date made this one for me . It is an exact replica of his dick . I helped make the mould . He was very handy , but it still took him quite some time to get it ready " . " Well , he wasn 't always the easiest guy to be with . I finally broke up with him , but I missed the sex with him so much , I finally went back to him just for the sex . He started to realise that I was hooked on the physical sex because of his size , and that it wasn 't really him I wanted . That was okay with him , but at some point he jokingly suggested that we could plant a copy of his dick on my horse , which seemed to be the only other thing I really loved . Even though it was only said as a joke , the idea grew on me . I told him , and he laughingly said I could help him make it . He gave it to me on the condition that I would grant him one wish , to be cashed in at a later stage . I agreed and have never regretted it , even though I know I will hate him , when he calls in the favour " . I remembered that very well . I had come back from a ride where I had dropped my top and ridden through the dense forest . A branch had hit me and made a big mark across my shoulder and breast . She had helped me wash it and we had talked about my dream of riding naked . I didn 't need to reply . She knew very well that I remembered . My natural reaction was to say no , and make some excuse as to how I would find that too embarrassing , but I couldn 't even reply . My tongue felt like a loaf in my mouth . I could feel myself getting more and more hot at the idea . As I got more excited I also lost my inhibitions . This was really something I had dreamt about doing , not thinking I would ever have the nerve . Also , I couldn 't get that dildo out of my mind . " If anybody were to come , would you take my clothes and meet me behind the stables ? " I was getting used to the idea , and I had started to get excited about it . I would have to get clear of the yard , which was about 25 meters across , clearly visible from the farmhouse , but after that I could stay out of sight . Fiona must have read my thoughts . " If you go straight towards the small pond , as soon as you are hidden from view behind the stables , and then follow the path up to the pastures , and return through the fields at the back of the forest , nobody would be able to see you from here or from any of the roads . And if I see anybody I will just meet you with your clothes behind the stables . You should be okay " , she said quite convincingly . I was still hesitating . Bono was looking at me as if asking me why we weren 't going for a ride , now that I was here . A ray of sunlight was shining through one of the small windows , hitting Fiona . I could see small beads of sweat on her brow , and I could see her hard nipples through her thin dress . What was she getting so excited about , I thought . She was probably getting as excited from the idea as I was . I pulled the T - shirt off and put it on the banister while I still had the resolve , then the bra , all of a sudden feeling very exposed in the large building . I looked around . I took another deep breath and unbuttoned my jeans . I pulled down both my jeans and panties in one movement . I knew Fiona was staring at me . I didn 't mind her watching , but I felt silly standing here completely naked . Imagine what people would think if anybody did come by early . Ouch ! First it was a bit difficult to sit properly . The stirrups were shorter than I was used to , and the dildo was right where I needed to sit . Fortunately the saddle was rather longer than normal , so I sat a bit further back and as I finally settled down on the saddle , I felt the dildo rub against the front of my pussy , only a fraction of an inch from my clit . It was still wet from Fiona 's ride . But that didn 't matter ; already I could feel my own juices greasing the saddle . It felt wet and cold . It was time to get on with it . I urged Bono slowly forward . Despite Fiona 's assurances that there would be nobody around , I wasn 't going to charge out of the rink door stark naked . I stopped and had a careful look outside , but I could see nothing wrong , so I kicked Bono into motion and shot across the yard as fast as was safe on the cobbled stones . Halfway across the yard , what I was doing suddenly hit me hard . I couldn 't believe it . I looked up to the right and could clearly see through the windows of the farmhouse into the living room . The windows on the top floor belonged to the staff who lived there permanently . Should anybody actually be watching , all they had to do was to look out the window , and they would see the little rich girl Jennifer , flying across the yard , stark naked , and with a huge dildo digging into her stomach , as she leaned forward across the back of the horse , trying to hide her bouncing breasts . But by then I was behind the stables out of view , and I quickly started to feel better . As a matter of fact , it wasn 't long before I started to feel much better . Where the dildo was fastened to the saddle there was a little mound . To the back of the dildo the mound had a small , protruding knob , and on the front of it the mound , bent upwards and ended in what looked like small brushes , which were clearly designed to stimulate the clit . However , I was now riding the knob , and with each stride I was gliding up and down the back of the dildo , landing hard on the knob each time I came down . The still , cool , morning air felt cold where I was getting wet , an area which was quickly spreading as I was writhing all over the saddle . I stopped by the side of the pond . It was completely quiet . There was a vague mist over the reeds along the edge and a smell of damp earth . I couldn 't help it . I was going to try to sit on the dildo . It was so big . But when I sat on it , it was being pressed down on the saddle and I could slide forward on it until the head was at my pussy opening . I leaned further forward , stood up in the stirrups and caught the head as it tried to slide back up behind me . I had to lean on one hand , almost lifting myself off the saddle to get up in the right position to start sliding it in . The head slipped in with some trouble , but as I slowly rocked forward and backwards , the lubrication spread further down the shaft , and I could slowly rock it in further and further as I carefully lowered myself onto it . Some of the guys I had been with had had what I thought were big dicks , but I couldn 't believe the feelings from this . It felt like being filled up . Each rocking motion was so clearly felt . Often during sex , I only felt it when the guys ' pelvis hit mine , but here I could feel the movement of the head so clearly as it moved inside me . Bono had impatiently started to move forward , and I just let him trot slowly ahead . I could now sit upright , with straight legs . I let Bono pick up speed and as his movements and not mine , started to move the dick inside me , my excitement grew even further . It was a completely different feeling when it wasn 't my own movements . I could feel it slipping a bit further in with each move , and it didn 't feel bad . Not at all ! We were moving up the forest path and I had to lean forward a bit because of the slope . That seemed to make it possible for the dildo to slide even further in . I thought I could feel it hit my cervix and I felt I had still another inch to go before I could relax in a sitting position . I didn 't know if I could cope with that . Bono 's movements were stronger now that he had to work his way up steep slope , and I had to concentrate on riding him . But I couldn 't prevent the movements , which kept plunging the dildo in and out . Fortunately , it didn 't seem to matter . I was surprised when I realised that I had actually hit the saddle . The head of the dildo must have just pushed further up inside me than I had thought possible . Now the feeling was almost overpowering . I could clearly feel each plunge , four to five inches out and then a hard plunge back in , which was so strongly felt all the way inside me , and on top of that , my clit now hit the bristle hairs of the raised knob in front . The shape of the mound forced my labial lips apart so the small , hard - rubber hairs shaped themselves around my clit , attacking it from all sides , like a mouth sucking it each time it landed on it . Furthermore , the little knob I had enjoyed riding on down to the pond , now worked itself just half an inch into my butt hole . Not a deep penetration , but strongly enough to stimulate that area as well . I was losing touch with the surrounding world , just letting Bono pick up speed now that we had reached the summit and had a good long stretch ahead of us . Just as much as my excitement rose , so did my frustration . The speed of the plunging was too slow . I felt I was building up towards an orgasm , but it just never came . I tried to move faster , but it was impossible as I had to follow the rhythm of Bono 's strides . I tried to make him speed up , but I was also very much aware that I wasn 't wearing my riding helmet , and I didn 't want to reach a speed where riding became dangerous . That thought was further enhanced as , in the distance I could see that the gate to the field at the end of the forest path was shut . It wasn 't very high , and several times I had jumped it easily , but despite my lack of touch with reality , I was sane enough not to attempt a jump without a helmet . Also , I had no idea what a jump would do the my insides , as I would have to have stood up in the saddle and land , probably not too gently , back on the saddle with ten inches of dildo inside me . I slowed down as I approached the gate . Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a movement . I froze , as out of the bushes next to the gate , a shape appeared . I quickly crossed my arms in front of my breasts and sat upright to hide the dildo , which otherwise might have been visible between my legs . Petrified , I watched as the shape turned into a huntsman in camouflage outfit . He stared open - mouthed at me . I couldn 't speak or move , and for a while it appeared he couldn 't either . He finally spoke " Nice morning for a ride . " He appeared to be in his fifties . Military looking with a moustache and army type shooting or hunting glasses . He openly stared at me now that the initial surprise had disappeared . I couldn 't find anything suitable to reply , still frozen in shock and embarrassment . " Please , " I whispered with a croaking voice , " would you mind opening the gate for me ? " There was no way I was going to get off Bono to open it myself with him watching . I can 't imagine my embarrassment if he had appeared just a few seconds later , when in order to open the gate myself , I would have been off Bono with the dildo towering on the saddle . There wasn 't much I could do . I guess I could have turned around and rode back , but I didn 't really want to . I needed to get out in the open and go for a fast ride on the stretch back to the farm . Anyway , he had probably seen my breasts as I rode up to the gate before I saw him . And suddenly the feeling of exposing myself to him felt exciting . I blushed , which he probably took as embarrassment , but it was really me feeling guilty at my own feelings of wanting him to see my breasts . Slowly I lowered my hands to rest on the saddle , putting a little weight on them , raising me just a little off the dildo , but hiding it with my hands . The move released my breasts and pushed them upwards and forward , making the exploding nipples stand out even more . I could feel the rays of sunshine through the trees warming up the front of my body , obviously also providing good illumination for him to have a perfect view . I was wondering what this was doing to him , as I watched him slowly move ahead to open the gate , never taking his eyes of me . My eyes finally locked with his and as the gate swung open and Bono , of his own accord , started to move , I let myself down on the saddle again , almost climaxing right there in front of him , from the contact on my highly excited clit . I shuddered as I moved past him . I was still shaking uncontrollably , and as Bono quickly gathered speed , I was again forced to move up and down on the dildo while probably still within viewing distance of the huntsman . But I didn 't care any more , because the excitement had made me come close to climaxing , and now the movements were bringing me to my peak very quickly . I worked against Bono 's moves meeting him on the way up and allowing his downwards movements to lift me halfway off the dildo , before I again rammed back onto the saddle . Bono must have wandered what kind of a rider I was today , because , usually , I follow his moves smoothly . Soon I felt as if an electric current was running through me ; I shuddered with cramp which made me slide around on the mount , caressing my clit , stretching back while the knob dug further into my butt hole . I was hardly able to keep my balance on Bono , who was slowing down with the strange movements going on his back . However , he was still going fast enough to stretch out the orgasm so I thought it would never end . I was still shaking and riding the dildo in aftershocks when I realised I was getting close to the farm . I collapsed over Bono 's back trying to stand up and get the dildo out of me , but my legs were shaking and Bono moving too fast for me to be able to raise myself up high enough . I just stayed down over his back trying to minimise the movements of the dildo in order to prevent the oncoming of the next orgasm that was lurking just a few moments away . Fortunately , I reached the yard before it happened . This time I didn 't stop to see if anybody was looking , I just wanted to get into the rink building as fast possible . I hadn 't seen Fiona outside , so I assumed I had a clear path ahead , bending under the archway of the gate and finally coming to a stop half way towards the spectator stand and waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness inside . Bono was still moving slowly towards the stand where Fiona was waiting . I was still panting , my legs were shaking , and I was just slowly coming off my high . As my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could clearly see Fiona . I thought she looked strained . Then I realised that the clothes I had left on the handrail were missing . It didn 't bother me as much as it made me wonder . Then my thoughts froze in panic for the second time in only a short while , when out of the shadows behind Fiona , another person appeared . I looked at James . My heart , which had begun to slow down , was beating wildly again now . I had an inner love / hate relationship with him . I think every single girl from my age and up , and probably some younger than that , had had a crush on him , and most of them had been to bed with him . Being a jockey , he was rather small , but he was extremely lean and muscular . He was not a typical Scandinavian guy . He must have had either some gypsy , Latino or Central American blood in him . Probably , that was why so many girls found him attractive . However , he just used the girls . He was never seen with the same girl for more than a couple of weeks , and the girls never spoke of him afterwards , they just avoided him . That made him even more interesting to the others . I had been quite taken with him at one time , but my father , who also had followed my riding exercises , had expressly forbidden me to have anything to do with him . As I was scared of both my father and James , I had managed to obey him , even though I had almost failed at a recent party where , in a bit of a drunken state , I had allowed him to dance rather close and intimately with me . I still remember his hands under my T - shirt , expertly playing with my nipple through the bra , and almost making me lose it , enough to forget about my father 's order when his hands had slipped down the cup of the bra , and attacked my naked nipple . However , when I came to my senses I gave him a knee in the crotch , which , probably , I shouldn 't have done . When he recovered , he swore he would get back at me . And it appeared that this was exactly what was happening right now . My immediate reaction was to turn Bono round and get away . But then I realised that I didn 't have my clothes . How far would I get without them ? How embarrassing would it be , if or when , I met somebody ? Even if I rode over to the farmhouse and got the caretaker , I would have to leave Bono out of sight or first get the saddle off him . And I would still have a lot of explaining to do , and I certainly couldn 't be sure it would be the caretaker I would find . He might keep it a secret between us , but nobody else would ; I was just thinking about the reaction of my parents . I had already decided to stay and see what happened when James made a sound with his mouth , which immediately brought Bono forward . It was James 's job to keep the horses exercised when the owners couldn 't , and he had a very good relationship with all the horses . I just let Bono walk slowly towards him . " Okay , James . You obviously have my clothes . Could you let me know what is going on ? What is it you expect me to do ? " I was feeling brave , and now also a bit angry , not least with myself , as I felt Bono 's slow movements already beginning to get me excited again " . I did , wondering if this would not have happened if I had let him continue that night at the dance . I should have felt worried , pissed off , embarrassed or frightened . I did feel all those things , but they were overshadowed by guilt , knowing that my nipples had again got hard and that I was finding it difficult to sit still on Bono . He was staring openly at my exposed breasts . Earlier this summer some of the girls had been sunbathing topless at the pool behind the farm . I had gone there after a ride , intending to do the same , until I realised that James was there ; I just couldn 't bring myself to drop my bra while he was watching . However , even though he had had plenty of opportunity to watch bare breasts , it had been my breasts , covered by my thin , and half - transparent bra that had his attention . I remember feeling embarrassed by my very visibly erect nipples , which the bra was totally unable to hide from his stare . Now that he had the opportunity to watch them uncovered , he certainly used it fully . " Fiona owed me a favour and the other day when I asked her to help me get back at you for the other night at the disco , at first she refused ; then she realised that she couldn 't . We have been waiting for an opportunity , which arose last night , when your dad called Fiona to find out if you had yet been down to see Bono . We realised that you would probably have to come down early today . " Bono moved the last bit over to the raised edge , and I didn 't stop him . Before I knew what he was up to , James had swung himself up on Bono , squeezing into the saddle behind me , forcing me forward , harder onto the dildo . I gasped , both with the fright of his movements and with the sensation of the dildo digging itself even further into me . James slapped Bono on the hind quarters and soon we were bolting out of the rink building . I only just managed to bend down under the arch of the doorway as we sprinted across the yard again . This time I wasn 't concerned with the farmhouse , only with the sensation of sitting naked with James behind me and the dildo again hard at work inside me . James had the reins now , I was leaning back against him , trying to get away from the clit stimulator which was threatening to release another orgasm soon if I wasn 't careful . This whole situation was embarrassing enough without coming in James 's arms . However , I didn 't know what I had coming . " Oh shit , " I said , just as much to myself . I had been kidding myself into believing he didn 't know about that . But as soon as he said it , it dawned on me how stupid I had been . Fiona owed him a favour , so he must have been the one who had made the saddle for her . As I realised that it was an exact replica of his dick that was inside me , I started to come . James hadn 't even touched my tits ; he was just looking at them over my shoulder as I leant back against him . But he didn 't need to . He probably got off on the idea that I was getting fucked by his dick as we rode , and he probably guessed , I had already been good and well fucked by it on my ride . " James , you are just so bloody unbelievably wicked , " I groaned as the first spasms hit me making it obvious to him what was happening . " Hold me tight , " I begged . His hands found my breasts and nipples , his mouth slid around my neck and received my mouth which was now turned towards him , hungry for a kiss . Bono had slowed to a stop now that James had dropped the reins . James slid a hand down my front and lifted up the clit stimulator , rubbing it harder and faster against me . I only realised that I had let out a loud scream when the echo from the forest hit me . At the height of the orgasm I almost fell off Bono . I don 't know if I actually could fall with the dildo inside me , but as it was , James caught me . I again collapsed over Bono 's mane . I was sobbing . This was really too much for me . James just watched me . Finally he gripped my shoulders and pulled me back up . I collapsed in his arms , but as Bono started to move again , I just couldn 't stand any more . " James , please . I 've got to get off this thing . " I tried to lift myself up , but my legs were shaking too much . James got Bono to stop and supported me as I leant forward and stood up in the stirrups , but still the dildo head wouldn 't come free . I felt James put his arms under my legs and lift me the last inch until it finally slipped out . As I lowered myself onto the saddle again I felt it slide up my back , and as I rested back against James , I felt it lodge between us . I had a picture in my mind of what this would look like if he had been naked as well , with the two dicks caught between us . We rode quietly back to the stables . I don 't remember much of that ride . I was exhausted , both physically and mentally , but in a strange way , it felt nice being in James 's control . With what had just happened , I felt as though I was just giving myself over to him and it didn 't matter . I don 't know what he did to the other girls and I didn 't care . When we arrived at the stables we rode into the building and found Bono 's box . James got off and helped me down . I didn 't even bother to try to hide my naked state . Let him watch , there really wasn 't anything that could happen that was more humiliating than what had occurred in the last ten minutes . " Nope , not just yet . I want you to take care of Bono , and get him settled in his box . I 'll just stay here and watch . " I wondered if Bono could feel something strange going on . He seemed more loving than normal . He kept nudging me when I passed in front of him . It was as if he was staring at me as well . Sometimes I had to lean against him , and it felt oddly arousing to feel his short stubby hairs caressing my exposed breasts and very sensitive nipples . " Back here in my own harness store , " James replied , and led me to a smaller room next to the general harness room . The door was already unlocked . Inside were all James 's private saddles and harnesses he used for his racing . I had never been in there before . I hadn 't even been aware that a room like that existed . " Up there on the shelf , and then with the curtain pulled in front , " James directed . It was hard to reach , but I finally made it . When I got down from the small stepladder I had used , I turned around and was startled when I looked back at James . He had dropped his trousers , and now only wore a tight , khaki - coloured T - shirt . Despite the fact that I knew the dildo had been moulded with his dick , I still gasped at the sight of it . The dildo looked big on the back of Bono , but it was completely unnatural on a body the size of James . I stared in fascination as it grew into its full size , pointing straight at me . " Jenny , I really like you a lot . I have been very hot for you for a while . I find you so sexy , and the fact that you have appeared so unobtainable has just made it worse " . " I have had a lot of your friends in this room . Some screamed when they saw the size of my dick . Even though they had first wanted me to take them in here , they wanted out when they saw it , but I wouldn 't let them out . Dick teasers . Once they got me excited , I wasn 't going to let them off so easily . Some of them I have had to tie and gag . I knew they wouldn 't come near me again afterwards , but there always seemed to be somebody else who was willing , so what the hell . Fiona is the only one I have known who actually enjoyed it , and even she won 't go in here with me any more . " I shivered as one hand travelled down my stomach slipping between my legs . I was still soaking wet , and it wasn 't just from the ride . His hands on my breasts , the thought of him practically raping the other girls in here , and the thought of his monster dick occasionally striking my skin , had me going again . " I had decided I was going to have you in here , no matter what . I had dreams of tying you up and hearing you scream and moan as I fucked you , but I love the way you have reacted today . And I am so excited by the fact that you managed to take the dildo all the way . I have never tried that with any of the other girls . I just feel I can 't do this against your will , but I am exploding with desire for you . And I feel that , maybe , you are not entirely indifferent either ? " Very perceptive of him . My love / hate relationship was certainly not turning towards love , but the hate had disappeared . I could understand his frustration with the other girls all going for him , and then , once they had him all excited , wanting out . I also had this funny feeling of enjoying the submission . He was really forbidden fruit , but I was past that stage . His hand had found my clit , and I willingly spread my legs and pushed my pelvis forward to give him better access . He lifted me up onto a workbench , spreading my legs and standing between them while slowly kissing me . I couldn 't cope with slow kisses . I kissed him back with eager hunger . As his mouth left mine and travelled down my neck towards my breasts , I leant back . As there was nothing to lean against , I gripped some of the grimes hanging from the wall and clutched them . His mouth had just lightly caressed my nipples and now it was continuing down between my legs . I pulled my legs as far apart as I could . I put one foot in a stirrup belonging to a saddle hanging over a saddle stand on the floor , and the other against the wall running perpendicular to the table I was splayed out on . I was able to fit the other foot into some reins hanging there . I was subconsciously adopting a position where I imagined myself being tied up and totally in the power of James . I wondered what he had used to tie the girls with and how he had gagged them . His tongue was working on my clit . I was thinking of the tied - up girls , what they might have felt and their frightened screams as they desperately tried to avoid the monster dick they feared would take them apart . I was happy I knew I could cope , and I couldn 't wait for it . " James , please hurry , I want you now . " I didn 't mind begging . I wanted him to feel that for a change , somebody was looking forward to being fucked by him . He stepped all the way up to me . He had to hold on to his dick and lower it to my pussy , poised just at the edge of the table . I kept looking at it , as the head , this time slipped in easily . I knew he was looking in my eyes for signs of pain or discomfort as he slowly pushed it further in . This was different from the dildo . It was warm , soft and well greased by its own accord , not like the hard , cold dildo . And then it was attached to James and not to Bono . James gripped my hips and slid it slowly in as far as he felt he could go in one move . I let out a small scream . Not in pain , but in extreme pleasure . James recognised it for the pleasure it was , moved a bit back and then pushed all the way home . I felt like I was exploding . I could feel him so clearly . He leant a bit over me , making his pelvic bone hit my , by now , super - sensitive clit , and I am afraid I let out another small scream . As a matter of fact , I couldn 't help it , but as each thrust touched bottom , I shuddered as if in a small orgasm and moaned loudly , that was how strong the sensation was . This time there was no slow motion dictated by Bono 's speed . James was speeding up . I let go of the harnesses and wrapped my arms around him , trying to direct his speed towards my own needs . It took me no time at all to reach my first orgasm ; my whole system was tuned into sex that morning . I was hanging on to him as I was being shaken by the spasms , but I don 't think James even noticed . He kept working at full tilt . When I was able to , I let go of him and leant back on the tabletop on my elbows . His eyes met mine , but he didn 't stop . I looked down , observing how his long , thick dick pumped in and out of me . I still couldn 't believe its size . If I hadn 't already known it was possible , I would have been scared witless by the thought of having that huge thing inside me . As it was , it was fantastic . I caught hold of the reins again with one hand , putting the other one between my legs , trying to grip the dick as it moved in and out . No way could I close my hand around it , but I could apply extra pressure . James took longer strokes , pulling his dick all the way out , so my hand would cup his dick - head , before plunging it in again . My hand was directing it so it hit the top of my pussy before it slipped in again . I could see on James 's face that this had an increased effect on him . Now it was his turn to let out small yelps at each thrust . Soon he gave up the long thrusts , and just worked it out into my now , well - lubricated hand , and then back in again , in small , rabbit - like movements . He was close to coming when all of a sudden another orgasm hit me like an express train . I hadn 't felt it coming , but just as he exploded , so did I . I looked down in my hand and could see the jet of semen shooting out into my hand when the head was outside . I grabbed hard at it each time it slipped into me , milking it of all the semen . James was slowing down and my aftershocks subsiding . Finally he stayed outside me , while I rubbed the head up and down my pussy until he had to take my hand away because he couldn 't stand it any more . " I am glad to see you are enjoying it . The voice came from behind James and belonged to Fiona . James jumped , but didn 't turn around . The sentence was obviously directed towards me . " The other girls used to scream in pain and frustration at this point . That was the reason I stopped my relationship with James . I was revolted by what he was doing to those girls . " It felt all wrong sitting here like that with James as she was standing leaning against the doorway , observing the scene . I did notice however , that she had my clothes in her hand . I sat up . " Fiona , now that you apparently have repaid your debt to James , would you mind giving me back my clothes . " I was wiping my hand on James 's back getting rid of the handful of semen that had collected in my hand . I was wondering how she knew about the other girls . Had she been involved in setting that up as well ? James stood back a bit . Still not turning round , but watching me as I sat up . He pulled back a bit as Fiona handed me my clothes . I put on the bra and T - shirt while still sitting on the table . " Hand me a towel or something , " I said to James , who obediently found a box of paper towels . I wiped myself as clean as I could , not caring that he was still watching me intently . Finally , somewhat dryer , I jumped off the table and pulled on my panties and shorts ; I was dressed again the first time in what seemed like hours , but in reality had only been about an hour and a half . I still had plenty of time to get home , but no time to clean out the box or Bono . " Fiona , since you were the cause of me using my time in this way , you really have to do the cleaning for me . I have to get home now . My dad will kill me if I am late . " I looked at James who was still only staring at me . His huge dick was now limp , but still large . He hadn 't turned around or even acknowledged Fiona 's presence . " Jenny , I can 't believe this happened . I was dying to do this , and now I feel all bad about it . Do you think you can forgive me ? " He sounded like he was really sorry , but I couldn 't forgive him . " James , I will never forgive you . It was an experience which I will always remember , and I don 't mind admitting that it was very , very good , but I can 't forgive you for the way it happened . " I pulled him down for a kiss , which turned out to be longer than I had planned . When I finally moved away from him , I noticed that his dick was starting to get hard again . I turned , and in passing Fiona on the way out , winked at her , pointing at James 's dick as I whispered in her ear " Go for it " . She just laughed at me , and then I was out in the stables . I quickly got onto my bike and before long I had put the farm behind me , but I never was able to put the experience behind me . I had a fabulous vacation , and was happy to find when I returned , that the guy I had met the night before leaving , was still waiting for me when I got home . I only went riding once after I got home . I met both James and Fiona on that occasion , and felt so uncomfortable that I felt really bad about going back again . I never got over that . I wanted to enjoy my new love without being reminded of James or the way Fiona had tricked me . I never made it back to the farm after that . My dad thought it was just my new boyfriend , and was slightly mad at me ( as usual ) for giving it up after he had spent so much money on horses and training . But , there you go , that 's what you can expect from teenage daughters I guess . Read 64370 times | My ex - wife is not allowing me to have my legal vostiatiin rights . She is threatening me and not letting me see my daughter unless it is under her schedule . Instead of being able to have her every other weekend , I am now told by her , that I can only see her on Sundays from 2 - 7 : 30 p . m . , otherwise she is taking me to court . Looking for some free legal consultation . the ending kind of put me off . " i guess that 's what you expect from a teenage daughter ? " i know some very dedicated and responsible girls who ride , and that generalization is unfair and innacurate . However , the rest of this story was very good . |
I just read a blog by a mom who encouraged people to be more real on Facebook . Sometimes we just tell others the good times , the times that we bake the cookies , the children are happily doing their math homework , our house is sparkling , the birds are chirping , the sun is shining , and everything is going well . We read those things and wonder why we have it so hard . We get jealous . We compare and get depressed . And we wonder what is wrong with us or our families that there are so many challenges in our lives . It 's about as bad as when we compare our middle aged bodies at six in the morning to the photoshopped images of twenty year old models . Yes , there is no comparison . But then , there are others of us that are more open with our challenges and weaknesses . The danger here is that when I focus on the not so nice things , I can forget the positive things that are going on . And others look at me and wonder what kind of crazy woman would ever do what I signed up for . They will never foster or adopt if that 's what kind of grief is possible ! But it really isn 't all bad . We went to the hardware store and the young man who helped Mr . I was awesome . He helped him pick the right kind of sandpaper . And when Mr . I told him the colors , the man said , " Joker colors , right ? " That made Mr . I smile . It 's good to see him smile after all that 's been going on lately . And now , Mr . I is painting and is happy how the job is going . This is a big thing , since typically something goes wrong and Mr . I gets easily frustrated . He 's even considering a career in car painting . Oh , and he can 't wait to show Hubby ! So it 's not all bad . The sun is shining , the birds are singing , the kids are happy . I guess it 's time to get the house sparkling , well at least halfway decent , for a grandson visit ! Mr . I is still having a hard time . It 's taking him longer than usual to regulate himself after last week 's break from school and time with friends . He 's been acting more unattached and even sleep - walked last night . After reading some of the old paperwork I found while cleaning this morning , I remembered how traumatized the kids were when they were little . It 's amazing what we forget after nearly ten years . It 's also amazing how far the kids have grown and blossomed since that time . But the loss and trauma still affect them deep inside . And as the time of year that they were removed from their birth family approaches , big feelings are bound to bubble up . So I decided to spend a little time being playful with Mr . I . Yes , we did a little wrestling , even though it was pretty much one sided . He didn 't fight back , but he didn 't participate either . I reminded him that I love him . And . . . This 51 year old woman did a handstand ! Well , I was next to a wall so that he would try it too . He didn 't . But maybe it will put a little crack in the wall he 's put up . I would do a hundred handstands in the middle of the room , if that 's what it would take to help him attach and be regulated . The things we do for our kids . . . Hubby and I are trying to simplify , sort , repair things , and organize . There may be some changes in the next year or so . But even if there aren 't , we need to get things in order . I 'm not a naturally organized person to begin with , but some things have slid even more since the youngest kids came into our lives . . . gulp . . . nearly ten years ago . If you came into our living room and main living areas it wouldn 't seem too bad . But if you were to look in our closets , cupboards , in the garage , attic , or even some bedrooms , I 'd be a bit embarrassed . It had been too easy to shove things in corners when life got too crazy , yet the house had to look good on the outside for social workers and visitors . We have ten years of clutter to clean up . We also have home repairs that are almost done , a wall to texture and paint here , trim to put on there . So many times we have had to get things functional , but we didn 't have the time to finish the job . After awhile , we just got used to it . We don 't even notice some of those things anymore . So now that life has calmed down a bit , well , as much as can be expected , we are slowly chipping away at those little details . I 'm trying to either work on the yard , sort through a box of junk , clean a closet or cabinet , or work on an unfinished project every day . Today it was a just a box . Earlier this week we cut down a bunch of frost nipped plants and I cleaned a closet . If I keep at it , I might be able to get things under control . It won 't happen overnight , but the house didn 't get this way overnight either . I have plenty of projects now , but I think when I start to run out of ideas , I 'll take pictures . It 's amazing how I can think something is fairly uncluttered , but it looks so much worse when I see it in a picture . Just like a photo can add ten pounds to a person , it can reveal a mess that is overlooked . But that 's for later . I don 't need a photo to tell me what to do now ! I 'm really glad that we are cleaning things up . The other day , when I cleaned the closet , I found some adoption paperwork for Ms . D that had been missing . I had put it in a safe place , but forgot where I had put it . I couldn 't find the paperwork last year when we were applying for the regional center . I wish I had it . It would have made things much easier if I had the documentation that she had delays before she came to our house . Ms . D had an IEP when she was three and in foster care the first time . She had language delays , which they attributed to being bilingual . Unfortunately , it seems like Ms . D didn 't get the speech therapy she needed because she went back to her birth mom soon after . But reading the documentation again , this time knowing Ms . D 's IQ test results of last year , reminded me that she had been struggling all along . She 's not worse now than before . I 'm not making things up , or letting her slide because either of us is lazy , or whatever other thought or fear I may be thinking about . I 'm so glad I found the paperwork ! Organizing and repairing things in our home should make life a bit easier . It will be tedious at times , but it will lesson the load . I 'm feeling lighter already ! Brewster came home to his beloved Ms . D . He did great at our friend 's home and made the transition back to us well . Hal did well too , even though he was still pretty young . He really calmed down after the first day . It was good for him to get used to lots of kids and excitement . Mr . I had spent a good part of the weekend at a friend 's house . They went bowling , practiced break dancing , and more . I picked Mr . I up this evening and the first thing he said to me was , " I wish I could stay at their house . The mom cooks better than you . We had ribs and chocolate chip pancakes and . . . I wish I lived with them . I can sleep better there . " Of course this line of conversation didn 't surprise me a bit . I expected him to be unattached at the end of a school break , especially when he spent so much time away from our family . Many adoptive parents hear the same kind of thing . I recently talked to another mom who is dealing with something similar . I have to admit that it hurts a little , but I can 't let him know that . So I just said things like , " Is that right ? Oh , that 's too bad , because I missed you . " I tried to keep the emotional temperature really calm . We drove the half hour home in silence , which is a rarity with Mr . I . He normally sits in the passenger seat to play music he likes . When we were almost home , I asked him why he wasn 't listening to the radio . He said he just doesn 't want to go home and he wishes he could live with his friend . " Oh yeah ? You must have had a pretty fun time there this weekend . What did you do ? " It was so hard not to get upset , and I listened to how much better off he would be if he lived with the other family . This evening he vacillated between being a part of the family and pushing us away . What is interesting is that he never really had a meltdown . So even though he expressed displeasure at being a part of our family , he did it in a fairly quiet , somewhat respectful way . He made a smoothie instead of eating the dinner I made for the family , but he gave us a taste of his creation . We sat next to each other and watched a TV program . He asked me to pray for him . I need to remind myself that transitions are very difficult for kids who have been traumatized . I also need to remind myself to not be insecure when the kids say things like they hate me , they don 't want to live with us , or they want to move in with the birth family the day they turn eighteen . Many teens go through a stage when they wish they lived with a different family . It 's just our kids have had the experience of living in many families , and aren 't as well attached . But like it or not , I am their mom . I won 't stop being their mom . So this week , as we start school and establish a routine after a break , I 'll work on attachment also . I 'm so glad that we had a great therapist that taught me how to do that . It will be hard work . But it will be worth it . Tonight I helped Hubby deliver food donated from Trader Joe 's to students , the unemployed , struggling families , the elderly , and group homes . We take it to people and then they pass some of the food on to others that they know . It amazes me how much need there is in Silicon Valley , a place of so much prosperity . I am blessed that we are able to help others in such a practical way . Tonight we had a van full of food . I had a great time visiting with people and spending time on the road talking with Hubby . One of the people in our route suggested we stop at a group home that was filled with adults and families . Even though it was nearly eleven at night , men , women , and children came out to get some food . I 'm used to adults being happy to receive food . I 've heard time and again stories of people who were wondering where their next meal would come from . Then God would answer by having Hubby come with good , healthy food from a place they couldn 't afford to shop . I 'm used to kids getting all excited about pastries and cakes . And I 'm used to seeing , on one of our stops , kids newly adopted from Ethiopia getting all excited about yams and meat . But what touched me tonight was seeing a group of kids , four years old to fifteen , get all excited about chicken and bread ; things that were passed over in all the other stops tonight . I could see the hunger in their eyes . They were more excited about the the food than most kids are about Christmas . It reminded me of a time when I was young and hungry ; a time when my dad had just lost his sight . I remember the excitement of getting food , any food , after going without . Tonight , my heart broke for those kids . If they weren 't so happy I probably would have broke down and cried . I felt overjoyed and sad all at once . Hunger isn 't just in third world countries . It 's all around us , if we know where to look . I am so blessed that we can do something for some of the people among us . And I 'm happy we found this home , a place full of kids who are thankful for what others would pass by . May God continue to bless them and their families . Hal is a 4 1 / 2 month old golden retriever . He has beautiful red eyelashes and is so sweet . He 's more timid than Brewster , so a few days in our house should get him used to a busy family . And Brewster will benefit from staying with a woman who has been raising guide dog puppies for many years . Ms . D had a hard time with the change . It didn 't help that the swap was made on Blackbelt Daughter 's birthday . Transitions and holidays are hard for kids like mine , and we had two in one day . Mr . I was a bit off too , but he spent most of the day with friends . He did , however , leave the door open while getting the mail , so the dog ran out the front door . He and his friend chased Hal , who then darted inside to a corner in our living room and peed on the floor . Ms . D froze through all this excitement . She does that sometimes when she gets overloaded with emotion or input . But as the day went on , the kids and the dog calmed down . I tried to calm myself down so that they could match my emotional level rather than the other way around . It seemed to work . We were even able to have an enjoyable time with family for Blackbelt Daughter 's birthday dinner . She is an awesome young woman ! I am so glad she is a part of the family . She has energy and passion . She is my firecracker girl ! Today Hubby is grieving for a close coworker who died late last week . Because Hubby had been out ill for two days last week and there was a holiday off yesterday , he didn 't get the news until today . I 'll miss his coworker 's cheery voice on Fridays , when he and Hubby would have conference calls , trying to solve one problem or another . They made a great team , and were able to do amazing things together . What 's sad is that it doesn 't look like there will be any event at Hubby 's work to say nice things about the coworker and mourn their loss . Hubby said , " Geeks don 't do grieving well , and there 's no one to organize events like that . " There even isn 't an opportunity to go to a memorial service , since the coworker 's family requested that things be private . Today Microbio Daughter , Mr . I and his friend and I went to the beach . Ms . D stayed home with Hubby and Brewster . She doesn 't like sand . But we do ! I had to close my eyes to what Mr . I and his friend were doing sometimes . You have to do that with boys from time to time . Otherwise you get all stressed out while they have the time of their lives throwing sandstone at each other , climbing too high , and wrestling . Or they make really deep holes in the ground and then try to stick their heads in the holes . I did a really poor cartwheel in order to encourage Mr . I to try it too . No , you don 't get to see a picture of that ! Thankfully , Microbio Daughter didn 't take a picture of me doing a cartwheel . At least I hope she didn 't get a picture ! I thought it would be easier on the soft sand , but it wasn 't . I didn 't attempt to do a back bend . But I tried to get Mr . I to do one . And I helped him to do a headstand in the soft sand . Kind of . . . I 'm so glad we went , even though the weather wasn 't the best , at least by California standards . On the way home we stopped outside Castroville and got some fresh artichokes at a farm stand . Yum ! Guess what I had for dinner ? I was coming down with a headache , so I was a little foggy brained , but I still enjoyed the visit . I love my sisters . It 's so special that even though we live so far away and don 't see each other much , we can connect like we saw each other yesterday . We had pizza , took the kids bowling , and talked ! Then yesterday morning , I left the kids at home and went to Happy Hollow with Grandson . He loved the little puppet show . There wasn 't too much to it , but through a two year old 's eyes , it was amazing . After Happy Hollow I went to visit a friend and then Hubby and I went to church . I hardly saw the kids all day . What was interesting is that even though I was gone a good part of the day , the kids were pretty attached to me afterwards . It 's nice when I have times to recharge and I don 't have to pay for it for a week or so in dysregulated behaviors . I am blessed ! few days ago . One dear friend is fighting cancer and I wonder if this will be her last Valentine 's day . Still another friend is taking her son in for tests and is frightened for what she will hear . Some of my friends are going through divorce and marriage crises , and others are longing for a partner . Some look at this day with dread , because circumstances in their lives prevent them from receiving the love they deserve . I pray that the Author and Ultimate Giver of love will comfort all , and surround you with His love . It was not your typical Valentines Day for me either . It wasn 't bad , just different . Someone in our family got a mystery bouquet of pink roses on our doorstep today . I found it after dropping Hubby off at the dentist . No one has fessed up , though we have some ideas . It would be nice to know who it is for , though . We have quite a few people who live here . They are pretty , though ! I spent part of the day going to numerous stores for a young man so he could find the perfect Valentine after everything has been picked over . Yes , I told him to do it earlier , but grabbing whatever you can at the last minute is so manly , right ? And this young man gets dysregulated during holidays anyway , so you can imagine how it went . When I took him to the final store , he didn 't even want to look at the Valentine section . He told me he 'd get one of my older kids to take him to the mall , the place I avoid if at all possible . I got so frustrated , I just pushed the cart quickly down the aisles so I could get some distance between me and him . The only problem was that the cart I had chosen had a wheel problem , so it kept banging . LOUDLY ! And the faster I pushed that cart , the louder and faster the banging . The kids , and everyone else in the store , knew exactly where I was going . Bang BANG ! Bang BANG ! All the way to the milk aisle ! Fortunately , Mr . I calmed down after that and thanked me for taking him out . I helped Blackbelt Daughter with her tutoring so that she could work at her taekwando studio . After dinner , I visited a friend in the hospital . It was good to see her , even though it brought back some difficult memories from last year . When I came home , I spent some time watching a mindless TV show with Mr . I and Microbio Daughter . It was good to unwind , especially since I 've been fighting a headache and it 's difficult to see . This Valentine 's Day was such a great time to love . I had so many opportunities give to others . It wasn 't always easy to do so , but it was good . I couldn 't give to everyone I wanted , yet I was able to show love to a few . It can be easy to feel neglected , when it seems like others are showered with gifts and attention . But after seeing so many people in the hospital tonight , I was overwhelmed with thankfulness . I was able to come home to my family , when so many others are stuck in a hospital bed . I was able to bless a few people today and hopefully make their lives a little better . Happy Valentine 's Day ! Posted by Brewster did very well . He looked at the Meerkats . And the Meerkats looked back at him . In fact , they were really curious and followed the dog when we moved to another window . Brewster didn 't look like a toddler in a stroller or anything else they 've ever seen ! After a few seconds of wariness , Brewster learned that those odd animal statues were nothing to worry about . It was really good for him to experience a place like this on a day that was not busy . He actually did better than Mr . I , who had some difficulties keeping from randomly hitting his sister or whining about food . It 's not easy for Mr . I to have a change of schedule or go to a place that has been remodeled since the last time he went there . Nevertheless , we had an enjoyable time with Grandson and family . We 'll have to come again soon ! Hyper Vigilance Sometimes I get used to living with my kids ' hyper vigilance . Other times it 's a real pain . The hyper vigilance used to be worse . When Ms . D and Mr . I first came to our house they were always on guard for more trauma to happen . At three , Mr . I would hardly sleep , and when he did , his eyes were open . Both kids would hear someone whispering in the other room . They figured we were constantly plotting something terrible against them , and they 'd better be ready for it . They 'd hide under the table and behind doors when they heard a siren . They 'd constantly scan their environment for danger . I can 't tell you how many times they would walk into a wall , or a shopping cart , or a door , or a pole because they weren 't looking where they were going . They felt adults couldn 't keep them safe , so they needed to protect themselves . It 's been nearly ten years since they first set foot in our home . Some of those years we all went to therapy to help them learn that we will take care of them , they are safe , we love them . But there still remains a certain degree of hyper vigilance . What concerns me is that I have lived with the kids ' hyper vigilance for so long , it has become almost normal . Then they say something that a typical teenager wouldn 't say , and I wake up . Mr . I asked me for a pocket knife last week that he could carry around and put under his pillow at night . I can 't leave them for long , or they get afraid . One of them sleeps with the light on . They still notice every siren and say " five oh " when they see the police . They complain about every lump , bump , and ache in their body , since they think they must have some terrible illness or injury . They also worried when we were preparing for a refinance of the mortgage and when I told Mr . I that I didn 't want to shop for shoes and hats every day . He looked at me with terrified eyes , and cried , " Are we poor ? " They look for signs that we won 't be able to care for them and keep them safe . They don 't believe us if we say otherwise . On the other hand , we have to be careful what we say around them , even if we think they are asleep or can 't hear . Last night I was talking to Blackbelt Daughter about educational techniques that can be helpful to Mr . I and Ms . D . I had a great time chatting with her , since she is excited about her future career . It was late , and I thought everyone else was asleep . Then this morning , Mr . I said , " I don 't want to read The Cay ! " I looked at him in shock . He had been listening ! The other day , at the guide dog meeting , a lady asked Ms . D about school . Ms . D said she was home schooled but didn 't want to tell her more . So when the lady pressed further and asked if she did PE or math , Ms . D said no . Hubby didn 't know what to do . He didn 't want to explain things , since Ms . D would listen to everything he said , even if he was half a block away . The hyper vigilance can be annoying for other reasons too . How can we discuss future plans to relocate back to Oregon without the kids worrying ? How can we visit new places , or attend events without the kids getting fearful ? It 's even hard to watch the news , since if they overhear , they will worry about it , even if it happened far away . But there is one thing we do that uses the hyper vigilance to our advantage . If we want them to listen , we just have to whisper it like we want to keep it a secret . Then , they 'll be sure to hear ! Today I did a lot better . It wasn 't because my circumstances changed , or problems resolved themselves . No , the change that made the difference was a good night 's sleep . There are more and more studies out that show how important sleep is to our physical and psychological health . I know that when I don 't get enough rest , I see the challenges in my life in a more negative way . There are times that a problem looks really big in the evening , and not so bad in the morning . Many times sleeping on something is a good idea . Yes , it 's good to not let the sun go down on your anger . But on the other hand , it isn 't always good to try to handle disagreements when your mind is foggy and looking at things negatively . So today , after sleeping well , I was able to work in the garden , clean a little , visit a friend in the hospital with Hubby , and do numerous things around the house . I was able to see Hubby 's perspective on a decision in a better light . I could handle the kids a little better . But best of all , I wasn 't overwhelmed . Sleep is such a blessing . I think I 'll get some more now ! Tonight I 'm a bit anxious . Yesterday Mr . I asked to call Birthdad . I let him and he talked to Birthdad for the first time since the beginning of December . Later , I asked Mr . I why he wanted to call him , after such a long time . Mr . I said it was because he missed Birthdad . Mr . I and Ms . D have a bond with their birth family , of course , yet they get let down again and again . It would be nice if the birth family had it together enough to follow through with their promises , but their track record is so poor . Despite their denials , there really are reasons why their kids ended up in foster care . I end up trying to pick up the pieces after each disappointment . It 's supposed to be good for the kids to have some kind of contact with the birth family , yet it 's been so difficult . I worry for the kids . I worry that I won 't be able to handle the fallout . It 's just not fair . It 's not fair for the kids and it 's not fair to our family . And yes , it 's not fair to me . Yet I can 't let on that I 'm afraid of the negative influences of the birth family , that I don 't like the way they have treated the kids , that I wish that they would either show some consistent love or just leave us all alone . You just can 't be in the kids ' lives just when it 's convenient and easy . The birth family can destroy in an instant what we 've been working on for years . But I can 't shut a door that has already been open , especially a door that opened in such a weird way , out of our control . There must be some good in it . But as a mom , I still worry . There are other things I 'm concerned about , yet I don 't know who or how to say what 's on my mind . There are decisions to be made , yet I 'm not in a place right now to make those kinds of decisions . I 'm so focused on what 's been going on with the kids , that the other stuff seems overwhelming . I 'm so afraid that the decisions will end up being made for me , and that I will become bitter if things don 't work out as well as I would hope . I 've done that before . It 's not good . I 've also been fairly busy lately . This morning I went to a meeting for Ms . D 's school PSP , Almaden Valley Christian School . Sharon Hensely was awesome again , and taught about Attention and Compliance Issues . It was encouraging and I got some good ideas to help Ms . D . I went with a friend from church , and talked with other mothers . It was the one part of the week , other than when Grandson came yesterday , that I could put aside some of the cares and relax . Then when I got home , I had to clean for house church . I got the house to an OK level , though I really needed more time . Fortunately , Microbio Daughter helped . Illness has traveled around the family for the past two weeks , and though we are feeling better , there was so much to do to catch up . Oh well , I can only do what I can do . I didn 't realize how anxious I was until I heard some fireworks tonight . It 's the beginning of the Chinese New Year , and it is a pretty big celebration in our city . I first thought they were gunshots . But they weren 't . Whew ! Just before people came tonight , I checked my email and found out that a woman in my homeschool group fell and broke her jaw . So I 'll have to lead this month 's moms ' group Monday . We certainly have plenty of prayer requests this month ! There 's hardly a family that doesn 't have some weird thing going on . I worry I will forget things though . The more anxious I get , the more I forget things that shouldn 't be forgotten . I don 't mind forgetting some things , but I worry I 'll hurt someone if I forget something that may affect relationships . I 'll have to be sure to put things down on my phone and not rely on my memory . Sometimes even moms need an external brain ! I need to learn to give my cares to God , rather than holding them in until I get headaches , asthma , or stomach problems . You 'd think I had enough practice giving things to God , yet it is an area I still struggle with . It 's a good thing God doesn 't require perfection before we come to Him . He 'd have to wait a long time for me to get my act together otherwise ! He hasn 't been over for awhile because of all the illnesses going around the house . He 's changed so much . It 's amazing how much a two year old changes in a week or two . He 's talking more , is bigger , and can do more things . His aunties played with him and gave him a bath . He played the " pano . " Brewster loved on Grandson . " Gampa " read to him . Uncle I ate with him and made him smile . We traded off taking care of him , we all missed him so ! I almost missed it . I remembered it during the day , but forgot when I was getting supper on the table . It wasn 't until after , when Mr . I asked me if I was going anywhere that I remembered . I told him I did have plans . He said , " Is it the Help One Child meeting ? How about if you stay home and help this child ! " I almost thought of staying home , yet he had already made plans to go to a friend 's house . I wouldn 't have seen him anyway . So I left . I was a little late with all the vacillating between staying home and going . Sometimes staying home is so tempting . But the benefits of going are so great . I got to talk to adults who understand . They get it . They don 't look at me with horror when I tell them of the kids ' latest antics . They understand that even though I may get weary and complain a bit about some things , that I am still madly in love with my kids . They understand that even great parenting can 't overcome brain damage sometimes . They can relate because they have dealt with some similar things . And the advice they give comes not from reading something in a book , but by life experience . They give me hope . They reassure me . It 's so good for me to be with them . Today I went to our homeschool group at a park day . Mr . I and Ms . D didn 't come because Ms . D wasn 't feeling well . I went to a park day without the kids . It also was good for me to go . We got to talk about another aspect of parenting kids . Yes , I may have pushed their comfort levels with my story of Ms . D and the police , but it was good for them to see that I am not perfect , my kids are not perfect . It 's a real temptation for homeschoolers to hide the hard parts of our lives . I 've been in groups like that . You come away thinking you 're the only one struggling with a child who has a learning disability , your house is a mess , and your kid doesn 't read Shakespeare in kindergarten . I 'm so blessed to have a group that is supportive and encouraging , and not judgmental or isolating . I also belong to an online group that encouraged me today . I found out again that I 'm not alone . There are other parents of kids with FASD that notice that the kids tend to start sliding academically around fourth grade , when they have to use more higher level thinking . Though it 's kind of sad to know others have to deal with that kind of thing , it 's encouraging to know that some others have come out the other side . It was Monday , a time to get back to a schedule , though I did let the kids sleep in a bit . Yesterday was the big game . Mr . I was sick from all the food he ate at a friend 's house and he hadn 't seen much of me since Friday . Ms . D was feeling down because her favorite team lost . A few of us went to Photography son 's home for the game , but Mr . I went elsewhere . After all the excitement of the previous day , the kids needed to slow down and reconnect . Mr . I had a bit of a meltdown when I wanted to leave him to rest at home while Ms . D and I walked the dogs . He 's thirteen and perfectly capable of staying home for a few minutes while we walk within eight blocks of our house . It 's not like I 'm going to leave the country or anything like that . He ended up walking with us . He wasn 't as sick as he had led me to believe . He also had plenty of energy to play with his friends after school . I did a few things around the house , helped the kids with their schoolwork , worked on crocheting a baby blanket , and tutored a couple of neighbor girls . Hubby and I tried to go out to listen to Danny Daniels play at City Team , but couldn 't find him . We didn 't have an exact address , and City Team has places all over . Oh well . Maybe another time . We came home and while I spent time watching a television program and ads from the game with Mr . I . The one with the Clydesdale horses brought tears to my eyes when I thought of Brewster leaving us in a few months . And as a relative of farmers , the ad with the speech by Paul Harvey really touched me . I know , it 's a bit disturbing that television ads get so much emphasis . But you have to admit , those were touching and uplifting . And these days , we can use a bit more uplifting . Thankfully , there hasn 't been much to write about . Things are relatively calm . I needed that . Our dear friend from our homeschool group , Ms . C , has had stage four cancer for a couple of years . The team consisted of some of her friends and family . We love Ms . C ! We had a blast ! The course wound around the parking lot and in the middle of the stadium . Most of us walked the course in order to stick together . We had a great time talking , laughing , and being silly and happy . The mud run was only a 5K , but there were fun obstacles to climb over , through , and under . My favorite was the giant slide , though the rope ladder structure was fun too . We could ring the bells at the top like little kids ! I am a woman who is trying her best to follow Jesus in the midst of being a wife , a mom of six , two by adoption through foster care , and grandma . I 've called myself Mommy Linda since the two youngest came into our lives and found themselves with two mamas , one who brought them into the world , and one who has the terrifying , yet awesome responsibility of raising them . I used to homeschool the two youngest kiddos , but now that we moved , they are in school . Once I unpack all the boxes and work on the house , I 'll have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up . I love to be creative and make things that last more than a few hours . I am married to an awesome man who is a super alpha geek , which I am most definitely not ! Our lifestyle has changed from city life in California to living in a small island community in the Northwest . Life is an adventure , and writing helps me to put it all into perspective . |
All posts by thedowhomestead I 'm originally from Chattanooga , Tennessee and moved to South Georgia over 15 years ago . I met my husband at Food Lion ( our first job ) in 1999 . We married in 2003 . We bought our first house in Tifton , GA in 2005 . We had our first child , Deegan , in 2006 . We had our second child , Dawson , in 2011 . We recently sold our first house and have bought our forever home in Camilla , GA . I immediately started baking some goodies for Deegan 's birthday party . I normally take the Friday off before my kids ' parties but I 'm saving my vacation days for an awesome vacation this coming summer . So , I have to get things done throughout the week in order to have everything ready by Saturday . I wanted to make some cookies that I have no idea what they are called but my friend informed me that they are called haystacks . You use butter , vanilla , sugar , oats , cocoa , and peanut butter on the stove . They are my dad 's favorite cookie . I finished off the night by making a cookie cake ( Deegan 's favorite ) . All the while I was making all this stuff , I did manage to make dinner as well . It was a super busy , but productive , night . Today , I weighed in at Weight Watchers . I did not do well with my diet from Thursday to Sunday . I didn 't track anything . Monday , I started tracking again . I knew I had gained from those days that I didn 't track . It really works IF you track ! So , I 've lost 2 . 2 lbs since last Wednesday 's weigh in . I 'll take that ! So far , I 've lost a total 9 . 2 lbs . Tonight when I got home , I made buttercream frosting and fondant and decorated Deegan 's birthday cake . I 'm always anxious until I get the cake done . So , I feel a little at ease now that that is done . I still have the fireplace wall to finish and then decorate for his theme . When I got home , it was a - painting - that - I - went . We want the beadboard to stand out , so I didn 't paint it yellow . I want to make it look like it 's been there forever . So , I decided to make it look like whitewash to begin with . I don 't like it so I 'm going to try a different technique . This morning was quite eventful for me . When I left the house this morning , I realized I had about 57 miles left until empty . I forgot to get gas yesterday and I normally refill my gas when I have about 115 miles left . I was hoping once I got on the road that it would show more miles left , but that didn 't happen . First of all , I don 't like stopping in Camilla that early in the morning . It 's kind of sketchy ! So , the next place to stop would be Sylvester . Well , Sylvester 's gas is always about 20 cents higher than Tifton so I don 't like stopping there . I had about 17 miles left when I got to Sylvester . I thought I could possibly make it to Tifton on that . Well , I hadn 't even made it to Ty Ty and I have miles left to go when I look down and I 'm at 0 miles left ! ! ! My heart is racing and I 'm just praying that I 'll make it to Ty Ty . There 's two speed drops going into Ty Ty and I didn 't drop my speed in case my car died . I wanted to be able to have momentum built up to make it to the gas station . Well , there are two gas stations in Ty Ty and I pass up the first one because the one past that had a digital sign and a lower price on gas . So , when I pull up and turn off my car , I noticed that the lights were out at the pumps . Yup , they weren 't open ! ! ! I 'm freaking out at this point . Will my car start again ? Will I make it back to the gas station that I passed up ? Yes , my car did start and , yes , I did make it to the other gas station . I went ahead and filled all the way up even though I knew gas was cheaper in Tifton . I ended up putting almost 21 gallons in my car . The most I 've ever put in it was about 19 gallons . I 'd say I didn 't have much left to get me anywhere . I 'm just glad that I made it to a gas station and not on the side of the road with two kids . When I got home from work , I painted the beadboard white again . Then , I stenciled in yellow paint along the two side trim pieces . I didn 't really want the stencil to show up too much . I wanted it to look old school . I absolutely love it and think it looks like it 's been there forever . We are not done with the wall though . We will be adding some shelves to it to give it a more built - in look . I didn 't sleep well last night and woke up almost sick to my stomach . Today is Deegan 's birthday party and I haven 't even decorated yet . So , yes , that stresses me out ! I woke up about 7am and started laundry and then headed to the kitchen to start cleaning and decorating . After everyone left , I started cleaning up and taking all the decorations down . I was ready for a nap so I laid down , but that didn 't go anywhere . So , I went outside to check on Brandon . I noticed that our potatoes and green beans are coming in . Yay ! Before we went to bed , we went to check on the eggs in the incubator . I asked Brandon what we were looking for and he said a spot and then veins coming out of it . Well , about the third egg in , we see it . To me , it looks like a spider inside the egg . So , we had about 8 or more eggs that had that . Maybe we will have some baby chicks in about 2 weeks . The kids went outside when they woke up . They came running back inside and said that " dad had caught a cat in his trap " . So , I peeked out of the back door and noticed a cat in a trap in the backyard . Brandon told them to let it out . Well , the cat ended up hanging around us all day . Brandon said it was a girl and she just had kittens . ( Not sure where the kittens are . ) She looked skinny so Brandon fed her a hot dog . He started messing around on the tractor and I got to use my new jigsaw to cut out the door hangers . I painted just about half of the day . I get so in the zone when I do that kind of stuff . I got 6 door hangers painted . When we were leaving the house this morning , the cat was still outside . So , I guess I 'll be buying some cat food today . It 's a fluffy calico . Very cute ! When we got home , the kids were searching for the cat . I told Deegan to let me know if they found her . About 10 minutes later , he comes running inside and said " we found her ! " So , I got two bowls out and put cat food in one and water in the other and stuck it on the back porch . She ran up to it and started eating for the longest time . She must have been really hungry . So , I guess now we have a pet cat . Right now , we are at 18 chickens , 2 ducks , and 1 cat . We are still trying to determine a name for her . Deegan wants to name her Melissa . I told him , no . Melissa is not a cat name . LOL When I got home from work , Brandon decided to let the ducks swim in the tub . It was so fun watching them . They were so happy . They are growing so fast , it 's crazy . When I was leaving , I tried to look where we had put the trap and I didn 't see the trap . So , I called Brandon and asked him where the trap was . He said that we caught a opossum and he didn 't have time this morning to deal with it so he stuck the trap under one of the bushes . Deegan had an orthodontist appointment today which took a while . He has a permanent tooth coming in better so they added a bracket on that tooth today . I let them know that his birthday was next Friday so when they were done working on him , they got everyone 's attention and sang to him . He just loved me for that . LOL Today is Peaches to Beaches which is a 200 mile long yard sale . We started the day waking up at 4 : 30am and left the house by 5 : 40am . We drove all the way to Perry and got there right before 8am . Overall , I think we did well today . It was a lot of fun as always . We had to take both of the kids since they were out of school today . They behaved well . Of course , we got them things today . Deegan brought some of his money with him today in case he saw something he wanted . We came to one yard sale that had a huge picture of the Challenger team and another huge picture of the Discoverer . I looked at the price and the tag on the Challenger said $ 100 but we weren 't sure how much the Discoverer picture was . So , he asked the lady and it was her husband 's and he said that it was $ 100 for both pictures . Well that meant that if the guy split it , the Discoverer would be at least $ 50 . Deegan had brought $ 40 so he asked me for $ 10 so he could get the picture . I told him no . I didn 't want him spending all of his money on one picture . He was quite upset about it and pouted . So , we left that yard sale and went across the street to another one . At this yard sale , Deegan found two telescopes and asked how much . The guy said $ 3 and Deegan was super excited . So , Deegan handed the guy a $ 20 and I asked Deegan how much change should he be getting back . Well , the guy didn 't have change for a $ 20 so I took the $ 20 and gave Deegan $ 10 and the guy $ 10 . So , I asked Deegan again how much money should he be getting back . He said $ 8 . I said , " OK , that sounds right " and laughed . Then , Deegan said $ 7 . When we walked back to the truck , I told Deegan , " See , if you had spent all your money on that picture , you wouldn 't have been able to get these telescopes . " Later down the road , Deegan discovered that he was given $ 8 back . I guess he confused the guy or the guy was just being nice . Dawson kept getting free stuff because she 's just so darn cute . We came across an HO scale CSX engine and caboose for $ 10 . Deegan asked the lady if she would sell it to him for $ 10 . I died laughing . She told him that she would sell it to him for $ 8 . We knew he had 8 $ 1 bills , so I told him to give her all the ones . That train was given to her husband by someone that worked for CSX . When we walked away , again , I told Deegan , " See , you would have missed out on that train if you had bought that picture . " I also explained to him that if the price on something is $ 10 , you don 't ask if they will sell it for $ 10 , you ask if they 'll sell it for less than $ 10 . It was funny . I 'm trying to teach him how to bargain ! LOL Later down the road , Deegan discovered that he had 2 $ 1 bills in his wallet with his other cash . So , he had only given the lady $ 6 for the CSX train . He bought a box full of HO scale and N scale trains and layout accessories for $ 18 . Overall , I think he had a good day . We ended the day of shopping at 6pm and headed home . I think the best buy was a Jenny Lind toddler bed at only $ 20 ! ! ! Those beds go for around $ 400 . I can 't wait to fix it up and sell it ! I decided to finish painting the hallway upstairs . Previously , I had painted all of the downstairs hallways then headed up the stairs but ran out of paint . So , I got some more a while back but haven 't had a moment to paint . I ran out of paint again ! And , I couldn 't reach one spot of the wall where the stairs are . We need to borrow a taller ladder and finish that up . Brandon worked on the fireplace wall . The goal is to get it somewhat finished before the party . We want this wall to stand out around the fireplace so we are going to use the bead board we found months ago and trim out the fireplace . Also , we had gotten a huge round mirror from the farmhouse from a dresser we left behind because it was too far gone . We are going to use the round mirror above the fireplace . Tonight , we finished The Martian . It is a REALLY good movie ! Deegan especially liked it because it had to do with space ( his birthday theme this year ) ! Before we went to bed , we got our flashlights and weather radio out in case we needed them for the storm . It started pouring down rain about 10 : 30ish and sounded horrible throughout the night . The weather radio went off several times really loudly . That was annoying . Brandon set his alarm for 3 : 30am but when he woke up it still sounded horrible outside . So , he stayed home . We woke up around 8am and all was clear and beautiful outside . Brandon got ready and headed to work . My goal for today was to start decorating for Easter . Fun day ! I started in the front entrance / hallway . While I was decorating that table , the kids came in from outside and brought two bird eggs that had fallen out of a pine tree in the backyard . Brandon told me to wrap them up in a paper towel to keep them warm . We are going to try and hatch them . Brandon let me know this morning that he saw two deer off of Hwy 97 . When I was headed to work , I came across three deer . I had to slam my breaks on so I wouldn 't hit them as they crossed the road and everything that was in my passenger seat fell into the floorboard . Someone was selling an antique washstand for $ 50 on Facebook today . I asked Brandon if I could get it . I was thinking of using this as the vanity in the upstairs bathroom . I picked it up after I picked up Dawson from school . It took us until around 11pm to finish getting everything from his old house to his new place . We still had to go get the kids from the in - laws ' house then go home . I was just ready to climb into bed . Brandon was the one wanting to drive home . It takes an hour and a half from his parents ' house . When we got to their house , we warmed up some pizza they had gotten for dinner . His mom asked if we were spending the night . I knew she wasn 't going to let us drive home that late ! Brandon caved … . and we spent the night . His dad cooked us some breakfast then we headed out of town . But first , we made a pit stop at Bob 's nursery in Tifton . $ 250 later , we had 5 1 gallon Leland Cypress trees , 2 3 gallon Leland Cypress trees , 4 Stuart Pecan trees , 1 Cape Fear Pecan tree , 2 blueberry bushes , and 3 blackberry bushes . Well , I picked up the kids then headed way out of the way to get the dresser and I could not get it to fit in my car . I have a sporty SUV so with all the curves , it just wouldn 't fit . So , Brandon is going to have to come to Tifton tomorrow to pick it up . After I put the kids to bed and Brandon was asleep , I was watching TV in the bedroom when I heard something . It sounded like something fell . I start practically beating Brandon to wake him up then we search all over and find nothing . So , we go to bed . When I got up this morning and went to the kitchen , I found my ivy from on top of my kitchen cabinets on the floor . So , I immediately think that this must have been the sound that I heard . I think nothing of it … . . pick it up and put it on the counter and leave . A bunch of us from work started Weight Watchers today at ABAC . I weighed more than I thought I would . Not good ! I 'm excited to start this journey ! When I got home from work , I started cooking dinner on the stove … . in the oven . I get everyone 's plate made and we go to the living room to watch a movie , Fantastic Four . So , not far into the movie , we hear a loud crash like something fell again ! So , I run to the kitchen and the kids run right behind me … . Brandon is pausing the movie and when I walk into the kitchen , I see items from on top of my kitchen cabinets on the floor and Dawson is standing right next to them . I turn to tell Brandon that there has got to be something up there and when I turn back around to look at the items … . . I see a SNAKE ( # 3 ) trying to crawl up the front of the stove with it 's tongue sticking out . I immediately yell at Dawson to move away and ( bless her heart ) I scared the crap out of her and she started screaming and running away . Brandon went and got his gloves while Deegan kept his eye on it . I went to grab a flashlight because it started crawling under the stove . Brandon yanked the stove away from the wall trying to get it and it crawled into the cabinets . So , I shone the flashlight on it so he could see it . I went and grabbed the fireplace tools for him to use to get the snake . He gets it and pulls it out and it 's an oak snake or grey rat snake . Either way , it was non - venomous . When he came in , we put everything back in place . I threw some moth balls into the fireplace . I think that 's where it came in from . I told him that we needed to do a house check before bed . So , it took some time , but we walked the whole house and didn 't find any more . That didn 't make me sleep any better at night ! ! ! I stayed up as long as I could before my body was just ready to shut down . When Brandon left the house at 4 : 30am , I 'm pretty sure I heard something coming from our Master Bathroom . So , I get up on my knees on our bed and I reach around the wall to turn the light switch on in the bathroom and I look at the floor beside the bed and get out of bed and go check out the bathroom . I couldn 't find anything but I sure as heck could not go back to sleep . So , I got my phone and played on it for a while . Then , my body shutdown again but minutes later my alarm went off so it was time to get ready for work . Last night , I heard sounds over and over coming from under the Master Bathroom . I 'm pretty sure it 's a big rat under the house or in the walls . But , it kept me up pretty much all night . He stopped by and bought some trim for the rooms upstairs . There used to be carpet up there and someone ripped it out and there is a huge gap all the way around all the rooms up there . You can clearly see into the attic . When we got home , I noticed that the neighbor finally put in a mailbox at the end of his drive . I told Brandon that and he said that he saw the mail lady come to ours , turn around , deliver his and then go on . So , that means that she is not delivering mail to the mailbox down the easement . YAY ! She shouldn 't have to do that when he has a mailbox at his own residence that 's in another location . When we were on our way to the first nursery , we stopped at a Tractor Supply on the way . Hoping to see what chicks or ducks they had . But , they were out . While we were there , we looked at getting something for Brandon to be able to water plants up front . We ended up leaving with a new Spot Sprayer . Then , we went to Mark 's Nursery where they had better prices . We got 4 1 gallon Leland Cypress trees , 4 3 gallon Leland Giants , and 1 Peach tree . $ 90 I woke up and started cleaning the house and doing laundry . My hopes were to tackle cleaning the dining room . I know that it 's getting on Brandon 's nerves . Stuff that we 've retrieved from the farm is in there as well as stuff for my booth . After lunch , we went outside to continue planting . We had set a trap the night before to try and catch what is under the Master Bathroom . When we checked it , the cheese was completely gone and the trap hadn 't gone off . Brandon tried to make it go off and it was broke . Just great ! So now we are feeding the thing . LOL We need to get the trap fixed or use the bigger one and try and get it … . now , especially since it thinks nothing will happen if it goes in . We planted all the 1 gallon Leland Cypress trees down the side of the property line . I was being silly and using the pots as shoes . Dawson thought that was funny so she did the same thing and used one as a hat . Brandon and I have been needing to get the four bushes that are left in the front of the house out . So , we tackled that next . He got the tractor and tied a chain around the bush and yanked it . But , these were some strong bushes . He had to get his chainsaw to help him out . Today is the second day after starting the gym . It seems to always be the most sore day when starting the gym back . I am super sore and am moving very slow . When I got home with the kids , I started dinner . While I was making dinner , I sat with Dawson and read her book from school with her . When Brandon got done outside and came inside , he sat with Dawson and drew a picture for her based on the story from the book . She picked out the colors and told him what to draw . I wasn 't feeling well and progressively got worse as the day went on . My head was pounding so bad I was about in tears . I ended up leaving work early . When I got home , I took some medicine and laid down . When Brandon got home , he starting working on the fence to the left side of our house where the easement used to be . It took him about an hour to put one post in . When he came inside , I made some dinner and took some PM medicine . We ate in the living room and watched the movie Pixels . I tried so hard to stay up for the whole movie but I ended up falling asleep probably halfway through it . When I got off of work , I went and got the kids and headed to Valdosta . Brandon and I want to do a date night tonight and mom and dad said they would watch the kids . When Brandon and I went to leave , I was standing by his truck and he was right behind me which shocked me because he was going to open the door for me …… . so I thought . Weeks ago , I watched a man open the door for a woman and told him , " Someone used to do that for me … . LOL " . So , he opens the door and the seat and floorboard are full of seed potatoes that he just purchased . LOL He had to move them out of the way . So , we headed to town and we decided that we wanted to eat at Cheddar 's before going to the movie . It was about 5pm so it wasn 't so packed and we got great service . After we were done , Brandon walked me to my side of the truck and opened the door for me . How sweet ! Then , we went shopping at Gander Mountain to waste some time before the movie started . Brandon did not open the door for me when leaving Gander Mountain . 😦 We went to see Dead Pool and as we were waiting on the movie to start , we saw a woman walk in with two small children that looked to be about 3 and 4 years old . Brandon quickly said that based on things he had read on the movie that this was NOT a movie for small children . Shortly after that , another woman walks in with three boys that looked to be about 10 to 12 years old . Brandon just shook his head . Well , throughout the whole movie there is really bad language , some nudity and some other stuff that is just NOT appropriate for children . Not once , did those people get up and leave . I just could NOT believe it . The movie is definitely an adult movie . I wasn 't looking forward to watching it based off of the preview I had seen , but I have to say … . I really enjoyed it …… although it could have done without all the things I just said about it though . If you go see it , you need to stay through the credits … . there is something at the very end to see . When we went to the truck , Brandon opened the door for me ! OveralGuys , I have to just say this …… . women LOVE when you do small gestures such as opening the car door for her or touching the small of her back or kissing her forehead . It really doesn 't take much to make us happy . These small gestures show us that you really care for us and it makes us feel special . Never hesitate to make your woman feel special ! Some miniature baskets and miniature cheese grater that I got for decoration for my house . Some lady asked me when I was buying the tiny baskets what I was planning on doing with them …… if ya 'll know how sarcastic I am … . I so badly wanted to answer her , " Go pick berries with them " . But , I just let it go . Then , Brandon and I went into the kitchen and noticed some old spice tins . He climbed up on the cabinet and noticed something on the top shelf . He sounded excited and when he showed me what it was … . I was excited … . it was an egg scale . Then , I headed upstairs to work on the kids ' playroom . It looks horrible … . like a bomb went off in there . We had gotten a dresser from the trailer at the farm so I used it for storage in there . It took me about 4 hours to go through the room . Today , I got news that our farm in Thomasville is officially under contract . I met the buyer over the past weekend and he was super nice . I 'm glad that the property is going to a good family who will appreciate it . Brandon had a follow up appointment concerning his hip / leg issue . His appointment was at 3 : 45 and we got there at 3 : 30 . We got called to the back within a few minutes of being there . The nurse asked him questions and typed it into the computer and then said the doctor would be in shortly . We sat in the room for about an hour before the doctor came in . Then , it was just repeating everything we just told the nurse . I insisted that he be referred to a endocrinologist for his thyroid issues . I feel like right now it 's a guessing game for the doctor on what to prescribe him and it 's just wasting our time and I would rather him see someone that knows what they are doing and how to help him . I asked for blood work for certain thyroid tests and xrays on his hip and knee . So , by the time we got out of the room , we were trying to hurry and go to their lab so he could get his blood work done . Well , by the time we went to this window and that window and finally got to the lab , we asked the lady if she could do Brandon 's blood work and she said " No , she couldn 't do anything after 5pm " . It was 5 on the dot . It made me so mad . I told her where we live and where he works and how inconvenient it is to have to come back to do that . She would not help us . He is coming back up on Friday so he plans on getting his blood work and xrays done at Affinity . When I picked the kids up from daycare , Dawson informed me that Deegan was in the office because he scratched a girl " like a lion " . So , I go up front to get him and I was told that the girl asked him to scratch her so he wasn 't in trouble . When I got home , I noticed a scratch going across his neck and asked him what that was from and he acted like he didn 't know what I was talking about . So , I lifted up his shirt and looked at his back and he had scratches on his back . Apparently , both of them were scratching each other . What in the heck are they doing at daycare ? ? ? Brandon said there was a note in our mailbox from the mail lady asking him to call her . When he called her , she asked about when we were putting up our gate / fence . He told her that the plan was that we were going to put it up this weekend . She said that she had tried to contact the renters next door and the previous owner about moving their mailboxes and she told them that once we put our gate up that her supervisor would not allow her to use the new easement to deliver their mail . ( Their mailboxes are in the back of the property and not by the road . ) So , she told them that they would need to move their mailboxes to the end of the road or she would not be delivering their mail . She said the neighbor 's wife gave the excuse that her husband is a farmer . We are not sure what that means . Before we went to bed , I went ahead and gave Brandon his Valentine 's Day present . I had just gotten it today and I hate waiting to give presents especially when they are good ! I had gotten him a Bushnell flashlight that has 1200 lumens . Deegan had gotten a small one while in Cub Scouts and Brandon really liked it because it was such a bright flashlight . Since Deegan got his , Brandon has gotten a bigger one . Well , I got him the Mack Daddy of the Bushnell Flashlights . He loved it ! Brandon drove up to Tifton after he got off of work . We sold a stove to a lady . Then , he went to Affinity for blood work and xrays . While he was doing that , I went and picked the kids up from school and dropped them off with Brandon 's dad and then went to meet his mom for a little shopping . After shopping , I went and picked up some Chicago 's for dinner . I 've been craving their pizzaroli . So delicious ! We ate dinner together with his family then I headed to Valdosta to spend the night at my parents ' . Mom and I did okay yard saling . My favorite buy was a Charles Chips Tin sealed with potato chips still in there for $ 1 . When mom and I were done yard saling , we headed over to Thomasville and stopped at yard sales along the way . When we got to Thomasville , I drove her to show her where my house used to be then we met up with Brandon and my dad at a place called Fallin 's Real Pit Bar - B - Q . It was really good ! When we were done and walked out into the parking lot , Brandon noticed that one of the trailer tires was flat . He filled it up with air and headed to the farm . Mom , Dad , and I headed to a place called The Bread Wagon . They make the best malted chocolate balls ever ! When we got to the farm , Brandon and Dad needed to head back to town in order to fix the tire . Mom and I started cleaning up the trailer then we went over to the old farmhouse . I wanted to go back through that room that hasn 't been entered into for over 40 years . I was able to get a bunch of old Old Spice items from the bathroom . Mom was quickly overwhelmed and wanted to take a break . So , I waited until the guys got back before going back in . Brandon fixed the tire and put it back on then we went over to the farmhouse . Brandon climbed on into the room and started going through everything . We dropped off everything at home around 6 : 30ish . Before we left , Brandon wanted to go ahead and give me my Valentine 's Day present since I had given him his early . I had told him that I want to start planting flowers that I can pick from throughout the year to make arrangements in the house . So , he got me some rose bushes and Charlie Puth 's CD . I woke up and started deep cleaning the house . I haven 't had a whole lot of time to really go through the things we have been bringing back to the house and getting everything situated . So , I went through a lot of things and cleaned a lot of it too . This was the first day with the gate up and locked . The kids went with Brandon to Valdosta since it 's President 's Day and they are out … they are staying with my mom today . So , I had to open the gate and shut the gate all by myself . I joined the YMCA on Thursday but started today . I 'm going during my lunch break because by the time I get off of work , I just want to get the kids and go home . Plus , the classes I would take at night are later and I wouldn 't get home until really late . Brandon and I had our dentist appointments today . My teeth are fine . They found a cavity in his teeth . He 'll go back in March and get that fixed . Brandon took his trailer to work this morning to get all the extra pallets that were going to be thrown out . OH ! The things I could do with these ! LOL I decided it would be nice to stop at Taco Bell on the way home and make today , Taco Tuesday . Deegan keeps insisting that 's what we have on Tuesdays . Thanks Lego Movie ! LOL When I got home , I could tell that they had cut a ditch by the easement . Brandon was outside digging by the propane tank checking to see if it was possible to just rotate the tank around to get it on our side of the property line . He said that it would be no problem to move it ourselves . Thank goodness ! That saves us roughly $ 100 . When I dropped Dawson off at ballet , Deegan and I went downtown to Southern Pickers to check on my booth and while I was down there , you could hear sirens and see that traffic was stopped . So , I went outside and saw an older lady laying in the road with blood running from her hand and her head . We weren 't sure if it was a hit and run , but according to witnesses , she was crossing the street and tripped and fell . The ambulance was parked right behind my car and I wasn 't sure if they would be gone in enough time for me to be able to leave to go pick up Dawson . But , they did end up moving in enough time for me to leave . When we got to the farm , we went into the farmhouse ( my great grandfather 's house ) to get what wooden doors we could get . Also , there was some scrap 2x4s and such that we got as well . This house has sat like this for maybe 25 plus years . When my great grandfather passed , no one was allowed in the house . It 's so sad . This morning was super foggy going to Tifton . When I approached the curve on Hwy 112 where County Line Rd is , another car was coming around the corner and two deer jumped out in front us . I think it was meant to be that we were both coming around the corner so that our lights could shine on them and we both see them . There was a car on my tail that about ate me when I had to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting the deer . We were in conferences all day until around 5ish . We got in the car and drove around . They were closed but the gates were open so we were able to drive around and look . So , then after driving around a while , we were trying to find the exit and couldn 't find it ! LOL We about got lost in there but luckily we finally found how to get out of that place . But , it 's definitely worth going back when it 's open and I have a map . 🙂 I found a yellow hand chair and just had to get a picture of me with it . My friend Kristi actually has two of these . They wanted $ 495 for this . Ridiculous ! We had a few conferences to go to this morning then we checked out and headed home . We took a different route coming home . We went over towards I - 75 to Byron so that we could stop at The Big Peach Antique Store . It was such a beautiful drive . It reminded me a lot of Tennessee . I got back to Tifton in enough time to drop off the rental car and then pick up my kids from school . I really wanted to go to Valdosta so that mom and I could yard sale but Brandon wanted me to come home . So , with the agreement that he would go yard saling with me in the Camilla / Thomasville area , I went home . We woke up and started driving around looking for yard sales . We only found two today . It was a little disappointing but I was ok with what I had gotten . We drove around Thomasville and found where our house use to reside . Then , we went to the farm . Brandon wanted to get one of the sheds that is out there , but he realized it was bigger than he thought and it would have been a mess to try and take . So , we went through both sheds again and got a few more things . My dad called and said that someone wanted to look at the farm and he needed the keys to get in but we left them at our house . So , we have to come back tomorrow to let them in . After we got home , we unloaded then headed to Albany for a date night with our friends Kenny and Kristi . It was a good chance for us to just hang out at their house and catch up while the kids played . One time , their son , Shane , came out of the room and his nose was bleeding . Apparently , Dawson knocked him in the face . Way to go Dawson ! LOL JK Kristi ! 🙂 Before we headed to the farm , Brandon FINALLY shaved his head and beard . I was more concerned with the beard than his head . LOL It was beginning to get a little too bushy for me . After he shaved , he looked like he had lost about 10 lbs . He looks so much better ! We headed to Thomasville after we had some breakfast . When we got to the farm , mom and dad were already there . Brandon and I went into the farmhouse to get a few more doors out and some mirrors off of some old dressers . While I was in the house , I really wanted to go into one of the bedrooms that you can 't even walk into because crap has just been thrown in there for years . I 'm not kidding when I say there is crap piled in there from the floor up to about 4 ft . So , I got some gloves and started digging . I 'm not sure what I was hoping to find but you just never know . I was able to get a nice basket , an old metal trashcan , some glass candy dishes , and old boxes with cool advertisement on them . On the way home from work , they had cleaned up the deer from where I saw it this morning . As I came around the curve , I saw a white - tailed doe jump into the woodline . She stopped and listened . I 'm sure she was listening to my deer whistle . After we ate dinner , my parents , Brandon , and I started planning our vacation that we will be taking during the summer . I don 't like to put it out there on social media sites where and when we will be on vacation . So , I can 't really tell you where we will be going . But , it 's going to be epic ! That 's about all I can say about it for now . I 'm super excited and can 't wait for it to get here ! Mom and I had looked at the weather last night and we knew that it was going to be a cold one . There weren 't very many yard sales listed in the paper but most of the time we find tons of yard sales that aren 't listed . We didn 't expect to have too many today with the cold weather . The first yard sale that we hit up was awesome . We would ask about an item and then set it down . Then the lady would start coming off of her prices again and again … . to the point , we just had to get them . By the last yard sale that we went to , we saw snow flurries . That 's about as close to snow as we will probably get down here in the south . If you look really hard , you can see snow flurries on my mom 's windshield . LOL My son , Deegan , stayed last night as well so that he could help my dad work on some things . When we were done yard saling , I picked up Deegan and headed home . We made a pit stop in Quitman at an estate sale and Deegan got a big cardboard picture of a space shuttle . Then , we stopped at Publix in Thomasville to grocery shop . By the time I got home , Brandon had just about finished re mortaring the brick back on the fireplace . However , he ran out of mortar so he didn 't get to completely finish it . But , he did enough that we are going to be able to have some fires . I 'm so proud of my man ! He has so many talents and if it weren 't for him , this house would have been a money pit ! In the midst of him finishing the fireplace , I started laundry and cleaned the dishes . Brandon started a fire when he was through cleaning up all that mortar . After all of that , we were able to just chill . Something we haven 't really done lately . After lunch , Brandon and I went outside to try and finish the new chicken area . On Friday , Brandon bought some 2 inch chicken wire that was 8 ft tall and 150 long . So , we had to take down the two different sizes that we had started to put up last weekend and put up the new chicken wire . After that , he added 1 inch chicken wire 3 ft tall to the bottom all the way around to help with critters . Then we added some 1x4s around the base . We will be adding some to the top as well later . While he was doing that , I went and got the youngest chicken out and put her in the new area . She is bearded and has feathers on her feet . She is our sweetest hen . The others like to pick on her . I kept seeing the mouse come out and go back under the coop . I finally was able to get close enough to take a picture of it . It was so tiny . We went inside and started a fire , cooked some dinner and watched Mad Max Fury Road . I don 't care for movies like that but I watched it with him . The kids were upstairs playing . Definitely , not a kid - friendly movie . I 'm originally from Chattanooga , Tennessee and moved to South Georgia over 15 years ago . I met my husband at Food Lion ( our first job ) in 1999 . We married in 2003 . We bought our first house in Tifton , GA in 2005 . We had our first child , Deegan , in 2006 . We had our second child , Dawson , in 2011 . We recently sold our first house and have bought our forever home in Camilla , GA . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
A haunted house would make a good article , I thought . I called in sick on Tuesday , drank some coffee , and sat down to write . My wife went to work . Now it was 10 : 30 AM , which is like a magic hour when you call in sick because it 's not too late , plenty of possibility left in the day , and usually some good TV shows come on about this time . Old reruns , sensational talk shows , and Judge 's Court . But I 'm not watching the judge today . I 've got a story to write about the haunted house across the street . It is not a traditional haunted house ; it 's a Florida haunted house , meaning there is a window on the second floor shaped like a porthole that seems to scream shrilly at you when you walk past it at night . Then there 's the old dead coconut tree and the rusted anchor someone put in the yard years ago for decoration . The scarred up door that 's been broken into and patched up twice . Nobody has lived there for seven years , which is strange . There has never been a For Sale sign in the front yard . People say it 's haunted because of inexplicable incidents , like when some kids snuck in for kicks and came out all freaked about a " hairy legged " apparition they saw . I don 't know what the hell they saw . I was also waiting on the Sears Plumber to fix my clogged sewer pipe . I was getting very pissed off because the plumber was late . They are always late . My wife 's gay cousin Mark was living next door with my biker neighbors , Big ' un and Fran . Mark had been kicked out of his last house over a misunderstanding involving dope . He had pawned his roommate 's TV while the roommate was away doing a construction job . Mark was always moving for one reason or other . He was a big hulk of a man who had played football in high school and liked to refer to himself as a " red - neck queer . " His parents had made him move out of their house when they failed to turn him straight by threats and preaching . " The good scotch in the Harley Davidson decanter ? " Mark asked in horror . " Helll , nahhh , I can 't touch that ! Big ' un would kill me ! I got some special diet pills if you need a pick - me - up … " " Well , we can 't do one without the other ! " I barked . " Listen , man , this is no time to quibble over situational ethics ! Pour the scotch in a cup and put some ice tea in the decanter to replace the scotch . You 'll be moved or kicked out before they discover it 's gone ! " " Oh , I see how it is , " Mark started in on me . " Take my dope and then leave to go write that bogus crap you always write . Pushing your friends away ! Chasing a dream ! " " I 'm always right , " he said smugly . " You know , " he added , " They came out with the last Sears catalog and I 've got one . It 'll be a collector 's item . " " Hey , " Mark 's face lit up . " I think we have a way to get revenge on the Sears plumber . The empty haunted house across the street . We call the plumber to that house , and nobody lives there so we can do whatever we want ! " " You fuckin ' closet poof , " he yelled . " If we call the plumber to the haunted house , we stuff pages up his ass ! As long as he doesn 't see out faces , people will think the ghosts did it ! See ? " " Fine , " I said . " Whatever . And I 'm not a closet poof . I just happen to like drama , like you , but I 'm not ! " By now it was 12 noon and we were buzzing . We drank deep from the cup of booze and Mark dialed the phone … Someone at Sears answered the phone . " Yes , " Mark began . " I 'm calling to ask why the plumber isn 't here yet . Yes . My address is 2201 Blatbaum Place . " " What ? " he asked . " No . 2201 . Yes . Well , I don 't know why you have 2202 on your clee - up board . We 're on the right side , about a mile from you as the crow flies … What ? Crow . It don 't matter , look , it 's 2201 Blatbaum ! Dammit , when can I expect someone ? " I had found a pack of Fran 's Belle Air cigarettes , so I fired up one of those . I was rushing and feeling good but also kind of worried about the passing of time . It was after one o ' clock . More scotch . Mark was in the kitchen cutting up vegetables to make a stew . He was stealing onions , potatoes , celery , and a can of Campbell 's cream - of - something soup from the pantry . We knew they wouldn 't be back from Bike Week until tomorrow . The damn Sears plumber van pulled up across the street . I was out of the bath and into a Japanese robe that belongs to Big ' un & Fran 's 19 year old daughter , Stella , who was away at Flagler college in Saint Augustine . Mark and I gazed out the window at the plumber across the street . About 3 : 30 PM we were back at Big ' un and Fran 's house . I was starting to get paranoid because I knew my wife would be home in a hour or so . This was not at all the blissful 10 : 30 AM vibe ; time was running out . Christmas was over and the toys were broken . Damn , now what ? I ate more soup to sober up and maybe hide my alcohol breath and then realized I was wearing the Japanese robe and some plastic deer antlers . Mark was now wearing a leather jacket he had found in a closet and a shower cap that belonged to Fran . I changed back into my clothes , throwing my wet underwear into the tank on the back of their toilet . The glaring sun trounced upon my eyes when I walked outside and stumbled on the sandy grass lawn . I made my way home , put Visine in my eyes , and laid down on the couch . When my wife came home I pretended to be sick . " That 's not what I heard , " said Sonya . " While you were napping Mark told me the plumber showed up drunk across the street brandishing a pistol . Mark said he had to call the police and he thinks the plumber lost his job . " " I wouldn 't know , " I told them . " Plumbers are always missing when I call them . I heard he was drunk . Most of them drink on the job and rely on the sewage to cover the odor of booze . " See , back in the day when people like Charles Dickens were alive , people could get medicine at the drug store which contained narcotics . I may have my time - line off here , but it wasn 't long before Sigmund Freud was prescribing cocaine to help people get off the morphine . A buddy of mine who majored in psychology warned me not to slander the great psychoanalyst with " half - assed " accusations , saying that Freud later went back and told everyone that cocaine might not be such a good idea . He said it was more important to examine ours dreams for sexual objects and it 's hard to dream if you are wide awake , wired on blow . But the point is , aspirin is made from tree bark . How in hell was that first discovered ? A lot of old witches were simply unlicensed pharmacists with an array of home remedies . Strong black coffee helps , so I had some of that . Then , off to the store to buy cigarettes . The liquor store wasn 't open yet so I picked up a bottle of strong , cheap wine , MD - 2020 , at the convenience store . I 'm not trying to set a bad example for the young people , so don 't drink in the morning . Unless you work all night ; I guess that would be okay . I called Mark . He had convinced Big ' n & Fran that while they were away at Bike Week , someone must have broken into their house while he was at work at the dry - cleaners . The culprit had cooked food and ransacked their daughter 's wardrobe . They would not have understood that Mark and I had done this on a wild binge , bikers or not . Mark convinced them that they should not charge him any rent so he could work less often and stay home to guard the house . He assured them , " I won 't tolerate the violation of your home , " and they were grateful . " He was still in the house when we left , " Mark said . " Hiding in a closet . He has been reported missing . When the police questioned me about it , hell yeah , I told them he has a gun . I told them I think he 's schizophrenic because of his irrational behavior and that I 'm quite worried about him . " " Yeah , and he still has at least three bullets in his gun , " cautioned Mark . " We have to approach him carefully . He trusts me but he thinks you are two - faced . I told him I would keep you in check . By the way , his name is Kelp . " As kids , we were afraid to go into Mr . Claxton 's yard . When a baseball or Frisbee went over his fence , it stayed there . That 's because Mr . Claxton had an ugly baboon named Cherub , of all things , which was supposedly caged but our parents warned us that the hairy gargoyle might somehow escape , and those things can bite . And they are nasty , my Mom said . And my Dad said one time when he was stationed overseas , a chimp had thrown shit at him . We were out in my friend 's yard one day and decided to put some dog excrement in a paper bag , and put the bag on someone 's porch , set it in fire , and when they went to stomp out the fire , AHH , hahahaha , they would soil their shoe in the dog shit . This was something we always heard about other kids doing . We had never tried it but it was time , before we became teenagers and old enough to be tried as adults . Of course , we were going to do this to Mr . Claxton even though we were afraid of Cherub , the red - assed baboon . The three of us crouched behind some shrubs and peered into the dark , earthy - smelling wooden lattice - work door , which led under the fence into Mr . Claxton 's yard . The door , about two feet square , was at the bottom of the fence was hidden by a row of shrubs . You could look in between the crisscrossed slat - boards into diamonds of night . As our eyes adjusted to the dark , we could make out Claxton 's house in the distance . Paul 's older brother said if you go through that door , it 's like a passage to another time , and all different times are like rooms in a mansion ; you can go from one room to another . The old lady at the pawn shop had told Paul that there were zillions of " rooms " connected by doors , also called portals , and the rooms right next to each other looked almost exactly the same , like a movie frame , but if you travel to a far away room it will look different and you will be older or younger , or maybe dead . We weren 't sure how heaven fit into it . The plumber had knocked out a large portion of the ceiling between the 1st & 2nd floor so you could look up , up all the way to a small hole in the roof , where beautiful hues of light cascaded down onto pipes . It was like a cathedral of pipes ! Kelp the plumber had pipes running everywhere . Big pipes , small pipes , copper , steel , and white PVC plastic pipes , and a couple of black rubber - hose radiator pipes , and all these pipes stretched zigzag in all directions , from the floor up through the second floor to the ceiling . The pipes spread in all directions , turning at angles with elbow joints and connectors and clamps , and a few of the connections had small leaks and every few seconds we could hear the " drip / blip ! " echo of water dripping onto the wet , carpeted floor . It was wild . The air was cool and relaxing . The plumber was nowhere in sight . Silence in the house except for the " drip / blip ! " of the water drops . It was several degrees cooler inside the house . Mark was wearing flip - flops so he waded right into the ankle - deep water . I hesitated because I was wearing my good Nikes , but I decided to follow him into the house . Its ugly snarl of teeth and hate - filled eyes froze me . The ape grabbed Mark with one gnarly - knuckled hand on each of his shoulders and lunged forward , sinking its teeth into his neck . Mark fell backwards screaming . Mark and the baboon were thrashing in the water on the floor , the ape still biting his neck . I ran to them and kicked the ape on the side of the head . It raised up its fur - slathered head and look at me . I don 't know how I moved so fast , but as the baboon jumped at me I held my hand outstretched , thumb tucked in tight , and rammed my hand and forearm into the beast 's mouth and down its throat , in an effort to choke it . The baboon 's sharp teeth closed on my forearm and I felt pain from the jerking of the animal 's head . My only chance was to wrap my other arm around the ape 's neck and pull it tight to my body to keep its head from thrashing . I held tight and stood up straight as I could while the baboon 's feet kicked me and kicked splashing water on the floor . I thought I was going to lose my grip . I yelled , " Mark , go outside ! You go out the front door and I 'll run out right behind you ! You slam the door shut as soon as I run out ! " " JESUS GAAAAA ! " Mark wailed , hopping on one leg , bleeding , and slinging crap everywhere from his hand . He yelled , " MAMA ! " and tumbled headlong off the porch into the front yard . The ape bounded over me and out the front door , jumped over Mark , and was chasing the three running children . The kids looked back and screamed in terror . I was too weak to run after the baboon and Mark was wheezing hysterically . Kelp the plumber swung the wrench hard and whacked the ape on the head . The baboon froze and then stood straight up , face to face with Kelp , with that bow - legged ape stance , both arms raised above its head . Then it fell forward with a thud , face down on the ground , and didn 't move . We ran as fast as our twelve year old legs would run . Which was pretty fast . I was so shook up I didn 't notice I was leaving drops of blood in the road from the baboon 's bite on my butt . Paul ran to his house and Mark ran to his grandmother 's house where he was visiting from Georgia during summer vacation . I ran to my house . " Don 't worry , Claxton , " my Dad was saying , " If I find out my boy was involved in this prank I 'll … what ? … Yes , I said prank . Look , a little shoe polish will … No , sir , no need to call the police ! Like I say … " I figured my best defense was to cry , too . Mom inspected the wound and cleaned it with warm , soapy water and Bacteen , which hurt like hell and made my tears more genuine . But she still wanted to take me to the emergency room . I don 't really know how the incident was resolved between Claxton and my parents . When you 're a kid , things seem to blow over because your parents take care of it . I remember Claxton had some papers to prove the baboon had all its shots . I was grounded for a week and so were Mark and Paul . Kelp sat balanced on a horizontal pipe about six feet off the ground with a toothpick in his mouth . I was sitting on another pipe , which was low enough for my feet to touch the floor . Mark was leaning back in a folding chair with his feet propped up on still another pipe , smoking a cigarette . There were bandages on my arm and Mark 's neck . " Picture a straight line , " said Mark . " You are a dot in the middle of the line . If you travel forward to the right , you get older . Too far and you 're dead . If you travel backward to the left , you get younger . Too far and you were never born . We think that might be Heaven but nobody knows for sure , and that 's why we 're afraid to die . " " I look better in a dress than her , " Mark shot back . He continued , " Now , think of that straight line and join the ends together and you have a circle . Then , there is no longer a left or right . " The air was cool and soothing . The gentle " drip / blip " of water was relaxing . The thought of heaven on earth made me feel so good I stood up on the pipe and began to climb . Beautiful cascading hues of light filtered down from the hole in the ceiling as I started climbed the pipes like they were fantastic monkey bars on a secret playground . I climbed without fear and felt such strength and calm and lack of pain , it was like I was a kid again , or almost like I was Superboy . I climbed to where the floor used to divide the first story from the second . I side - stepped over to another horizontal pipe and climbed higher . Getting wet didn 't bother me . I was beyond the confines of ' wet ' ; I existed in bliss . Water doesn 't hurt ; it evaporates and all things are new . I smiled and climbed until I reached the apex , the hole in the ceiling , which was bigger than it looked from down below . I stuck my head and shoulders up through the hole and could see all around , such a great expanse , so wide a world and safe , and I owned it all . I don 't mean I owned it like I could pick it up and take it ; I owned it in the sense that it was all there for me and no one could take it away . So I let myself fall . Rolling back into the hole I found myself gently supported by the network if pipes . Slowly , like a sloth , I rolled , slid , and melted down the pipe structure from one level down to the next . It seemed to take luxurious hours to settle on the first floor . " That 's right , " I said . " And I did . I wanted to face that baboon again and I did it . What was your wish , Mark ? " " Well , " said Mark , " When we were kids , hiding under those shrubs , it was like a secret hideout . I felt like I belonged . You know , I 've lived from place to place ever since my parents disowned me . " Mark continued , " Kelp said I can move into that weird house with him . He knows someone at City Hall who fudged some papers so that the house doesn 't exist on city records ! It could be years before anyone finds out ! " I had used up all my sick days at work so I had to buckle down and learn how to do my job . A few months later , my wife and I moved across town to live in a big house she inherited from her mother . Mark and Kelp still live in the " haunted " pipe house but I heard they had ditched the baboon in one of those big Salvation Army containers where people donate items by shoving them through a door flap . The idea was for the baboon to hand clothing and stuff out to Mark through the small door , but a cop car drove by and Mark hauled ass . A hysterical Salvation Army employee was in the news the next day but the ape got away . All the police found was a big , stuffed teddy bear and they assumed the employee was hallucinating and made him check into a clinic . Wistful evenings sometimes begin with sunny afternoons and there is a certain part of me that likes being wistful . Miss Glenly understood that feeling more than anyone when I was fourteen years old , walking home from school , stopping at her sunny house for a glass of iced tea and conversation during the prelude to sunset . She was cool for a 67 year old woman , I thought . In the small town where we lived , Miss Glenly had knowledge of a wider world . Some of that knowledge turned out to be terrifying . She lived alone in a modest but nice , well - kept wooden house with a screened - in sun porch amid plants and books , some comfortable wicker chairs and a porch swing . Miss Glenly was a retired English teacher . Her husband , who died before I met her , had been the head of the psychology department at a nearby college . " Ah , yes , " she said . " The red , gleaming eyes of Dracula , when he is looking at Mina through the fog , standing over the helpless Lucy . That 's the scene I remember . " That is how the conversations went until about six o ' clock . Then I walked the rest of the way to my house . My parents got home from work around 6 : 30 and we ate dinner . " Good . " Miss Glenly was now perky and involved . " You see , the word ' cozy ' has a meaning to each person who hears it . You can 't hear ' cozy ' without having a preconceived notion of what it means . " " Well , " I said , reaching for the Webster 's Dictionary which she always kept on the table beside some crossword puzzle books . I looked up the word ' cozy ' and read the definition out loud . " Enjoying or affording warmth and ease . Comfortable . Relaxing . Marked by intimacy of the family or a close group . " My smile quickly faded when I saw the strange expression on Miss Glenly 's face . She was staring into the house through the door that led in to the kitchen . I shuddered because she looked afraid . I turned around quickly , thinking she was staring at something , but saw nothing but the inside of the kitchen . " Oh , " she said , suddenly looking at me . " Oh , I 'm sorry . I … oh , dear , I 'm … not feeling well … I guess I 'm just tired . " " What were we just talking about ? " she asked . " Oh , yes . Least cozy . I guess the , uh . . . storage room isn 't very cozy . " She forced a nervous laugh . " We were talking about deconstruction , " I reminded her . " But if you 're tired , I should probably be going anyway . We can talk about it later . " " I 'm sorry , " she said . " You 're right . Maybe I should lie down , take a nap . I 'll be fine . " She walked over to the porch swing . The swing was made of wood , but it had thick vinyl cushions on it and a pillow at one end . There was always a light blue comforter on there , too , because Miss Glenly sometimes took naps on the porch swing . She wasn 't very tall , so she had only to bend her knees a little to lay on the swing , pull the comforter over her , and take a nap . Now that 's cozy , I thought . On my way home I kept thinking about it . If the screened - in porch is the most cozy , why is the storage room the least cozy ? What is the opposite of cozy ? Uncomfortable ? Cold instead of warm ? Producing anxiety instead of relaxation ? I remembered last Halloween when I and two friends were taking a short cut through Miss Glenly 's yard . We were too old to go trick - or - treating , but we liked to go out walking just to check out the scene , maybe get into some minor mischief . When we first passed her house , walking in the street , she was cheerfully handing out candy to costumed children . Much later that night , on our way home , we tromped across Miss Glenly 's dark lawn . As we passed the porch , we all jumped with fright at the sight of her sitting upright in the swing . She had been sleeping there until awakened by our voices . " No harm done , " she had said . " I 'll go right back to sleep . There 's a cool ' Florida - Autumn ' breeze blowing and it 's too stuffy inside . " A few days after our " cozy " conversation , I went to see Miss Glenly again but she wasn 't sitting on her porch . The screen door hung open . I walked into the porch area and knocked on the inner door . My knocking made the wooden door glide open . It must not have been shut all the way . I could see into her neat , clean kitchen . I walked from the kitchen into the hallway , realizing for the first time just how small this boxy house was . The first door to the left was the bathroom . There was one more door on the left ( closed ) , no doors on the right , and one door facing me at the other end of the hall , also closed . The door at the end of the hall had an old glass door knob . There was something unusual about it . In the otherwise clean house , there was a thick cobweb stretching from the dull dusty glass knob and clinging to the wooden door frame . This door obviously not been opened in a long time so I assumed this was the storage room . The only remaining room , the second door on the left , must be the bedroom , I thought . I knocked softly on it . It only opened about an inch then nothing happened . It was just a closet stuffed so full of folded towels , sheets , and blankets that Miss Glenly must have pushed hard on the door to make it close and latch . So when I turned the knob , the compressed towels and linens had popped the door open about an inch . I opened the door wide . Just a closet . I frowned and looked around . The only other door was the one at the end of the hall with cobwebs on it . If that is the bedroom . . . has she been sleeping on the porch swing every night ? " I 'm sorry , " I said , walking out onto the screened - in porch . " I shouldn 't have walked in but I was worried . Your door was open . Can I help you with that bag ? " " You did the right thing , " she assured me , placing the bag on the porch table . " I must have left in too big a hurry . I was shopping . Sometimes I get anxious to leave the house . " " I 've been . . . I 've been depressed , " she said . " There 's no reason not to talk about it , I guess . Sometimes I can 't stand being in this house . " " Because if this sun room is the most cozy , then some room has to be the least cozy . Instead of peace , anxiety . Instead of warmth , cold as nails . Instead of safety , a feeling of dread . . . a dreadful room . " " You run along , " she said . " I 'll be alright . I have a doctor 's appointment tomorrow . Oh , this is so embarrassing . " That evening I went to check on her . I went onto the screened - in porch . It was dark and quiet inside . I thought she wasn 't home . I walked past the table and into the kitchen . The bathroom door on the left was open , no one in there . I passed the closet on the left . There were no doors to the right . Something was different about the door at the end of the hall . No cobwebs . The glass doorknob was clean . I was going to knock softly on the door when a strange cold feeling hit my feet and legs . What was that ? Cold air . I reached down and held my hand near the bottom of the door . Cold air was coming from under the door . There must be an air conditioner in there , I thought . I went back down the hall , outside through the front door , and walked around to the back of the house . There was an air conditioner . A window unit . I had always heard it running ; I just never thought about it before . Some ancient duct tape , used to seal the edges of the AC unit in the window , was painted over , so it was dry and brittle , with curling edges . I peeled it back , until it cracked and fell away , exposing a half - inch space between the AC unit and the window frame . I could see inside the bedroom through this space . The drone of the AC covered the sound of my tampering . I looked in . She was saying , " I 'm sorry , Henry . I 'm sorry ! I know I should visit you more often . But you shouldn 't have left me the way you did . " Suddenly books flew off the shelves , past Miss Glenly on both sides and over her head ! The books crashed into the wall behind her . One of the books hit her forehead , drawing blood . Every book , two or three at a time , spinning off the shelves and flailing around Miss Glenly 's small but resolute figure . Another book hit her shoulder . She never raised her arms to protect herself . The books that missed her flew past and slammed hard on the wall behind her . One large hardback volume hit the paneled wall so hard it broke the wood and wedged itself into the paneling . An old pair of men 's shoes also went air - born and whizzed by Miss Glenly 's face and slapped against the wall , leaving scuff marks . " That poor woman , " my mother said . " We never told you this , but her husband committed suicide in that room . Who can blame her for getting hysterical sometimes ? " I started thinking maybe I had imagined it . I lay on my bed that night , listening to music through my headphones , which was my other escape from the world besides reading . I stared at the ceiling until my eyelids got heavy and I fell asleep . For the next two days I did nothing but read a book about deconstruction by French author Jacques Derrida . The book , translated into English , was called Spectres of Marx . The part about a " dancing table " caught my attention . At first I imagined an animated cartoon , like Walt Disney 's Fantasia , with a wooden table scampering around the room . Derrida was making a point that the word " table " means different things to different people . Wood from a tree becomes lumber . A carpenter fashions the lumber into a table . When one person sees that table , it might represent businessmen having lunch at a bistro in the financial district . To the owner of the restaurant , it signifies one more space for a paying customer to sit . Still another person might be reminded of dinner with their family , and by extension , their departed grandmother , who 's memory is now but a ghost in the empty chair . The table dances with possibilities . With some apprehension , I went back to visit Miss Glenly . She wasn 't home when I got there so I waited . Soon enough , the bus pulled up to the corner bus stop and she stepped onto the sidewalk carrying one of those shopping bags with handles on it and the name of the store on the bag . She had a band - aid on her forehead . She was silent for a moment , and then said quietly , " I didn 't do a very good job of explaining it to you . You know why ? Because , in all my years of teaching English , I don 't think I ever fully understood the concept . " " Oh , " she said . " I can think of other cozy places . The farmhouse I grew up in had a fireplace and in the winter we sat around it and drank hot chocolate . And the dorm room in college was nice . Outside the window , squirrels darted around on the tree limbs . " " Oh , my , " she said . " I 'll never forget the time Henry and I were on a luxury cruise in Alaska and the ship hit an iceberg . It was almost like the Titanic , only nobody died . But we were frightened and cold , because the power was out and we didn 't know if we were going to make it back to port . That was a dreadful experience . " " I kept yelling at him to get up , " Miss Glenly said , confusing me for a moment . " I didn 't see the empty pill bottle . I thought he would rather be with his books than me . I thought he was asleep so I started pulling books off the shelves and throwing them at him . When he didn 't move , I got down and listened for his breath . He had overdosed . " " Then I felt really guilty like I had killed him with the books but the coroner said he 'd been dead for hours . But I still blamed myself . Aren 't I stupid ? I dread that memory when I see it coming . I try not to think about it . In the winter , I used to stretch an indoor clothesline down the hall , from the kitchen to the bedroom , to hang the wash up to dry , so I wouldn 't have to go outside . After a while , it seemed like the clothesline connected the front of the house with the back , and I couldn 't stand it any longer after Henry died . So I took the clothesline down . " Miss Glenly picked up a pencil and wrote a list of words at the bottom of each line . The first list was , " sad , cold , and afraid . " The second list was " happy , warm , cozy . " She said , " My ideas of cozy and dreadful come from different experiences that formed separately . So , instead of two rooms being ' connected ' by a line running through the hallway , it is more like each room has it 's own ' line ' running straight up & down . Two separate lines which never touch each other ; each line connects to separate experiences in my life , good feelings and bad . " " Right , " I was even surprising myself . " The lines never cross , never intersect ; they are independent of one another . The rooms are independent of each other , too , " I said . " Each room based on independent past experiences ; not based on each other . " The bedroom was clean and picturesque . The golden sun flowed warmly through the window and onto Miss Glenly , sleeping in a real bed instead of a porch swing , the light blue comforter snuggled over her . Her alarm clock went off and she yawned and stretched and smiled at the new day . 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Published on Amazon ? If you have a book , e - book , or audiobook available on Amazon . com , we 'll promote it on WritingForums . org for free . Simply add your book to our Member Publications section . Add your book here or read the full announcement . Thank you for all your entries . The winner will be stickied until the next contest 's winner is crowned ( maybe ) . No more entries are allowed in this contest . It is possible to vote for yourself , but I would hope in the name of good sportsmanship that you would only do so if you have read all the other stories and given them your honest evaluation . You gain nothing if you base your vote solely on how you feel about the author or whether you have personally invested time and effort in the story . In the end , your conscience is your only judge . I knew it was going to be a rough night . It was already twenty degrees below zero and the wind was predicted to kick up by nightfall bringing the wind - chill temperature down to a deadly forty to fifty degrees below zero . The train ride on the south - bound Red Line from my apartment to the Lawrence Avenue stop was only fifteen or twenty minutes . I hoped it would be enough time to calm my nerves before the madness begun . ' All these freezing people ' I thought as I peered through foggy windows , where are we going to put them all ? Sixty - five men were all I could take , but there would be more than that . There would be a lot of men who would get turned away . The shelter had strict rules about how many men I could bring in . The recorded voice came over the train 's speakers , " Lawrence Avenue is next . Lawrence . Doors open on the right for Lawrence Avenue . " ' Here we go ' , I said to myself as I hopped off the train and made my way out of the station . I didn 't have to look up the street to see the scene in front of the old Preston Bradley Building . I 've been running the overnight shelter three nights a week for almost five years and I knew exactly what to expect . I knew exactly who to expect , too . In fact I knew almost every one of them by name . The ragtag homeless men of Uptown Chicago ; over the years they had become like family to me and taking care of them was serious business . Some of them were old alcoholics , some were young drug addicts . Half of them were little gang bangers , ' Gangster Disciples ' , ' Vice Lords ' and a myriad others . This was a dangerous part of town but I could walk the streets day or night without worry . I was ' okay ' they said . But I was more than just ' okay ' to them when the weather turned deadly and they had nowhere else to go . Little Reggie used to say I was a ' Black man locked up in a White man 's body ' . I think he only said that because I fed them better than the other supervisors . Reggie was a good kid , but I think he was a schmooze . He knew I fell for it . More " Can I help tonight ? " a voice blurted out . " Can I volunteer , Don ? " came another . I didn 't say a word . The guys knew I could let a few of them in early if they were willing to help setup the beds , work in the kitchen or get on the clean - up crew , but only if I was no more than a half an hour early . This time I was a full three hours early because of the deadly cold . But it was my boss 's day off so I didn 't figure on seeing him at all . That was my second miscalculation for the night . I reached the door and put my key in the lock . Looking over to the right I saw a young man standing first in line . He was new to the shelter . I could hardly believe he didn 't have a coat . Some of the other guys were sharing their coats with him giving him a few minutes of warmth before taking it back for themselves . " Where 's your coat ? " I asked . " He don 't speak English , Don . He 's from Africa . " " Joe , there 's lots of Africans that speak English . " I said with a half - cocked smile . " Not this one , Don . " " Alright men " I hollered as I pulled at the heavy wooden door , " Line up on the stairs , two rows , one on the left and one on the right . " There were two broad flights of gray marble stairs leading down to the basement separated at the half way point by a large landing . I knew from experience that it was just enough room for sixty - five guests to sit comfortably while I setup my intake table and got everything ready to open the shelter . Mike , my security guard , wouldn 't be here until eight o ' clock so I asked Big Bill to hold the back of the line and keep the guys quiet . Big Bill had been in the shelter since before I began working here . He was on the run from New England where he ' thinks ' he killed a man . He said he didn 't know for sure . One morning he woke up from a black - out drunk full of mud and blood all over his hands and clothes . Later he heard the new of a man who was beaten to death the night before . He was found in the alley behind Bill 's apartment . It was the same alley Bill used to walk through on his way home from his favorite bar . Bill told me the story in confidence one night when he couldn 't sleep . He said he had things on his mind . I never repeated it . He seemed like a nice enough guy , but not one you wanted to anger . And he was good in the shelter ; he took care of things . In my estimation I had about seventy - five men when the last of the guests came through the front door . I told Bill if anyone else knocked on the door to let them in and line them up in the middle of the stairway starting at the bottom . I would have Ken hand out tickets for the lottery . Later , I would pull sixty - five lucky lottery winners . The rest would have to go . Those were the rules . That 's how it worked , usually . As I began making my way down the stairs I spotted Sarge in the crowd . " You cookin ' tonight , Sarge ? " I asked . " You know I am " the reply came like a shot . " What are we having ? " " Tonight we 're having chicken , cornbread , and black - eye peas . " I ordered . The predictable roar of approval came from the group of homeless men . Sarge was good in the kitchen and all the guys loved his cooking . His meals kept everyone quiet and satisfied , and that made me very happy . There were times I felt one of the nicest parts of this job was seeing a basement full of once cold and hungry homeless men now lying on their mats with their belly 's full , snuggling cozy under their warm wool blankets . I usually felt that way until they all fell fast asleep and began snoring . I got the rest of my volunteers , ten in all , and had the shelter setup . Now it was time to run the lottery and put the losers out . I had seventy - seven men in total . Twelve of the men had to go . They were twelve long , sad faces looking back at me as I explained to the men what to do and where to go to look for shelter . I knew everyone of them except for the new kid , ' The African ' as Joe called him , the one without a coat . They knew I had no choice . The Fire Department regulation hanging on the wall clearly stated my capacity was 65 . It was also in our contract with the Department of Human Services . If we went over our limit we could be shut down . But I knew as well as they did there was nowhere left to go . The hospital used to allow the homeless to sit in the emergency waiting room until the Department of Human Services came to pick them up . But the hospital changed their policy when the crowds grew so large they couldn 't hold them any longer . The Department of Human Services wasn 't going to be any help tonight , either . Their system is overtaxed as it is , and on a night like tonight it was going to be impossible for them to find a shelter with any room . These men , I though , are going to leave here and look for the nearest garbage dumpster to crawl into . And they 'll probably die just like that old man who froze to death ten years ago in a dumpster just up the street . That was the whole reason we started this shelter . The community came together to open this space to the homeless and make sure nobody ever again froze to death in their neighborhood . That 's who we are , I thought . That 's what we do . So I began to calculate again . The old basement used to serve as a church and a small theatre . There was a stage on one end of the room and I thought I could fit twelve guys on it . I only had five extra mats , but we just got a shipment of new blankets so I would double them up for the guys who didn 't get a mat . " Alright you guys " I said " we 're going to run another lottery . This time for the five mats . " Eleven of the guys thanked me repeatedly . The African only looked at me , but I could see relief in his face . I suppose if he didn 't understand English he knew by the sound of the others he was going to catch a break . I told Sarge we were going to have extra guests and to make enough dinner for seventy - seven . He stared at me with a look that said ' are you kidding ? ' I looked back as if to say I only wish I were . 10 : 30 PM - Everyone ate , showered , and tucked themselves comfortably under their blankets for a warm safe night . I told Sarge to leave the ovens on for a little extra warmth as I snuggled up in the kitchen watching David Letterman on an old black and white TV with lousy reception . Now the only job I had was to stay awake , keeping watch over my brood until morning . I heard a knock at the back door on the alley side of the building . Making my way up the back stairs I looked out of the small window in the gray steel door and saw a man . He was a black man , I thought , but in the dim light I saw his face was bright red and he had a short beard that was grayish - white in color . When I opened the door the man just looked at me pleading with his eyes for me to let him in . I motioned for him to come in but he was so frozen he couldn 't move . I took him by the arm and helped him up the step and into the building . After I closed the door the man just stood there , violently shaking ; his breathing labored and rough sounding . I stood there with him at the top of the stairs until he was able to walk down into the basement . Putting a chair in front of the ovens I told him to sit and have some coffee . His body shook so badly it was forty - five minutes before he could hold the cup without spilling all over himself . He didn 't say a word for a long time and I just sat there with him , watching . I thought he looked too young to have a white beard , and then I realized his beard was that color because it was frozen . His hair was the same way . And I noticed what looked like a few frozen tears under his eyes . After an hour , or so , the man finally recovered enough to have some coffee . The first words he spoke were simply ' thank you ' . Then there was another knock at the back door . Well , to keep a short story short , I 'll just say this . That night there were eighteen such knocks at the back door . The basement was packed solid with not enough room for one more man . I gathered blankets and started putting men on the back stairs where they " Just great , Geraldo . How are you ? " " How many , Don ? " he said without looking at me . Here we go , I thought . This is going to be interesting . Geraldo really was a cute little fellow , and he spoke with an accent that was just delightful . But he didn 't budge when it came to the rules . He couldn 't . He had to report to the iron fist of the Executive Director and he was afraid of her . The Executive Director was an ex Sister of Mercy and a Bull Dyke by her own description . If she was your friend , she was the best friend you could ever have . But if you broke the rules , you were screwed . " Well I have sixty - five men , Geraldo , plus a few . . . extra . " " I can 't do that , Geraldo . Its six hours until the soup kitchens open , and its forty degrees below zero . All the other shelters are filled to capacity . They 'll die if I send them away . " " You must call the DHS . " " I 've been on the phone with the DHS all night long , Geraldo . They 're begging me to take more . " " This is illegal , Don . " Geraldo shook at his own words . " It 's not illegal , Geraldo . Well , maybe just a little . But it 's more legal than turning them out to die . You know , it 's kind of like … barely legal . " " You 're not a very good lawyer , Don . And I don 't think you understand the meaning of ' barely legal . ' But we won 't discuss that now . " By this time I began to get hot . I 'm over here working my tail off trying to save the lives of societies least desirable human beings and I have this little chipmunk of a man telling me I don 't understand the meaning of ' barely legal ' . " I know exactly what ' barely legal ' means , Geraldo . It means exactly whatever I want it to mean . So what if it 's illegal . Do you want me to call the fire department , tell them I 'm twenty over the limit and to please send a truck to pick these guys up ? " Geraldo hung his shaking head low , and let out a sigh . " Don , I 'm going home now . I 'm tired , and I have a headache . What are you going to tell the DHS when they call in the morning for your numbers ? " " He 's eighteen , Geraldo . Don 't worry , I know we 're not a children 's shelter . I 'm not breaking the law again . " " Don , according to his I . D . , when did he turn eighteen ? " " Midnight " I answered . " He turned eighteen at midnight , tonight . " Geraldo stood there looking at me without speaking for an uncomfortably long time . Then he turned and walked to the kitchen door . Picking up his hand to push the door open he glanced back at me for only a second before looking away again , and he let out a little squeak . " Good night , Don . " Their room had a gorgeous view of the ocean off of the balcony . The white trim glass doors were open as if to invite the serenity permeating the space . The ocean breeze flowed into the hotel room . The wind made the air dance around them . The sweet smell of fresh oxygen invaded their lungs and nostrils . With each breath , they were inhaling life . He stood their holding her hands in his . He stared into the endless pool that were her eyes . Her light and beautiful hair lifted with the wind . The pure light from the sunset reflected off the individual strands . Earlier in the day , he became married to the greatest treasure on this planet . The warm breeze caused goose bumps on her skin . Her love for this man overflowed like a river into a waterfall . In spite of her flaws , nay , because of them , he accepted and was enamored with her . She could hear the sound of the waves as they crashed on the beach again and again . The sound of his steady breath made her heart race . She let go of his hands and traced her fingers up his arms . She reached her arms around and embraced him . His body against hers made her feel safe . Joy surged through her being . The thoughts of society and people escaped them . People looked down on this couple . He was 24 and she was now 18 . Today was her birthday . He met her 3 years ago while she was still a sophomore in high school . The instance he saw her , their souls connected forever more . He spoke with eloquence and grace . They had enduring conversations seeded with intelligence and passion . Regardless of how " wrong " their relationship was , he began to pursue her . The road to having her would cause him much heart ache and trouble . He strove to become the best he could be . He moved up within his work and finished college . Her family spent a lot of time with him and he gained their respect and love . Still , his friends and family called him foolish . They would even suggest that she wasn 't worth it and he could find better . However , their words would not sway him . He would make her his precious wife . He was aware of the fact she could not see . He found that to be one of the most fascinating aspects of her . He loved how she would describe life by how things felt , sound and smelled . When they kissed , their souls would connect . Even when they hugged , it meant something different to her . She lived life in more beautiful ways than those with sight do . In the absence of vision , she was forced to utilize her brain and other senses more . He thought that she was brilliant . She did not see her blindness as a handicap . Rather , she saw it as a tool to become stronger . The two began to discover more about each other , and she fell in love with who he was as well . She adored him for his intelligence and heart . He had lofty aspirations . His motivation seemed endless . When this man had a goal , he would go to great lengths to achieve it . He amazed her with his words . She felt like she was on top of the world when she spoke with him . He praised her . Other people looked down on her or avoided her due to her lack of sight . The kids in her school would make fun of her ; not him though . No , he would lift her up with encouraging words . She felt the compassion when he spoke . The moment he asked her to marry him , she longed for this very night . They embraced each other and cherished the moment . Both of them waited , for what felt like ages , for their honeymoon . They had dreamed of the moment when they could declare to the world their love . Now , the time had come ; the moment where they would become most connected . She had requested he close his eyes . She wanted him to feel the moment as she did . He put on a blind fold so he would not be tempted to open them . They both trembled with anticipation , as neither of them had experienced this before . They waited for each other for tonight . They made love with each other in unimaginable ways . He would not forget this night for the rest of his life . The night that he became blind and felt the world for the first time . I stared at the blank screen . The small black cursor blinked in perfect timing . I sang a Tom Petty song in my head to the beat of the blinking cursor . I was about to grab a couple pens for a drum solo when my wife walked in . " Barely legal ? Sounds like a porno . " I laughed and looked up at her . She kissed my forehead . " I 'm sure you 'll think of something . You always do . " " I know . I 'm just having a difficult time deciding on what to write about . " I said , spinning around in my chair . She sat on my lap . " Call it ' Jason and Stephenie Write a Story ' ! " I thought about this and looked back at her . She was beside herself with excitement . She was adorable . " You 're still missing something , " I said . " You and I writing a story is not a plot , it 's a sequence of events . There needs to be motive . There needs to be a ' why ' . Besides , you and I writing a story doesn 't fit the theme . It would be disqualified . " " So , it would be kind of like an illegal entry ? " I could see where this was going . I slowly nodded my head . " Kind of , yeah , " I said . " But you can 't make a story ' barely ' fit the theme . " It 's two in the morning and the house is quiet . Unable to sleep I pad into the kitchen and open the fridge . I hadn 't had the chance to clean it out earlier today . I start pulling out the left over containers and re - organizing the fruits and vegetables . I am wiping down the last shelf when my employer sneaks up on me . " A little , " I confess " but he calmed quickly enough when I starting singing to him , " I reassure him " he 's been asleep for hours now . I just couldn 't sleep . " I finish lamely . " I guess so , " my voice quakes a little . I feel uncomfortable with him , in such a state of déshabille , and at such close proximity . Never before in all of nineteen years had I been so up close and personal with the opposite sex . For a man in his late twenties , or is it early thirties , Kristopher Beck is hot , hot , hot . Six foot two of knotted muscles and tan skin . With sandy brown hair and eyes as clear as the sky and perfect white teeth beaming at you with each smile , it 's no wonder my heart is still racing . His sculpted abs are in perfect display above the loose knot of the cotton white towel . Which , but the way stops in the middle of his precision cut quadriceps . Water droplets shine on his skin . My body grows hot . My breath feels heavy in my lungs . I feel my nipples harden against the build - in bra of my spaghetti strap tank top . My cheeks flush pink . God , I hope he didn 't see that . I turn my body inside the fridge and pull out some ham and rye bread . Kristopher steps closer to me and reaches for the loaf of bread and container of ham . He deftly takes them out my hands and drops them on the counter . His body is so close to mine I can smell the soap and shampoo on him , like spring rain fresh and earthy tones dance in my nostrils . The minty toothpaste on his breath makes my mouth water . " Nina , if I were to tell you that the only thing I am hungry for is you . How would that make you feel ? " His voice is low and husky . It plays havoc on my senses . Leaves me breathless . Voice less . My eyes grow large and round . My nostrils flare . My body trembles . " Has a man ever tasted you , " he continues as his fingers reach out and glide over my tank straps and move on down " here , " he whisper as his digit tip brushes my lengthened nipples . My insides feel like molten lava everywhere his fingers touched . I shake my head from side to side . The burning lava is spreading lower and lower as his fingers skim my rib cage dips down past my belly button " how about here , " he rasps as his fingers cup my mound . No air is coming in my lungs . The blood in my veins turns to a fiery sludge . This time I am not even able to shake my head from side to side . I am lost in the feelings of his fingers circling my clit through the thin material of my pyjama bottoms - under which I have no underwear . And his other hand as come up to cup my breasts and tease my nipples through my silky tank . The moment his lips capture my mine I feel an explosion inside of me , like a gate way as been open and the flood building behind it is now free to unleash its power . My breathing grows rapid and heavy . Every cell in my body ignites with the force of the eruption and I feel it coursing through me full speed ahead . His mouth travels down the length of my throat . Licking sucking my over hot skin . My back arches , pushing my breast towards the eagerly searching mouth . He takes the hint and pops a silk covered nipple between his lips . Even through the thin material the sensation of his hot breath and hotter tongue is incredible . I feel his fingers travelling up my arms and slip under the straps . He pulls them down exposing my creamy breast and peachy nipples . His mouth releases the clothed nipple and captures the naked one . " God , Nina , you are so responsive to my touch . This is such a turn on to see you like this . Puffy lips , puffier nipples , wet cunt . The smell of your sex , " he takes a second to breathe deeply in " rich sweet musk is intoxicating . I want to taste it . " With that he drops to his knees , pulls down my baggy bottoms and exposes my juice slick lips . " So beautiful , " he says before his tongue starts licking my labia . " So tasty , sweet and tangy , " he purrs and continues to lap up my oozing cream . His tongue pushes my inner lips open and dips inside . My fingers dig in his hair . My hips buck on his face as his tongue goes in deeper . Licking my inner walls , twirling my juices round and round and swallowing . His lips find my hard swollen clit and latch at it . Sucking it deep . My fingers pull on his hair and push his face further inside my open pussy lips . My pelvis tilts forward at the same time giving him more of me to lick and suck and slurp . He doesn 't disappoint me . His tongue his like a branding iron claiming me as his . His fingers move slowly up and down my lips and find my entrance . One slips inside . He moves it slowly in and out . His tongue flicks my clit to and fro . My hips undulate , gyrate to a primal rhythm and I feel the surge of lava coursing though me again . I buck and trash against him as the flood comes like white rapids cresting , peeking , oh god , I come hard and fast on his tongue and fingers . This makes me brave enough to admit what I 've known for quite some time " Kristopher , " I search his eyes , in nearly a year of working for this man , this is the first time I use his given name . The brightness in them tells me how happy he is that I address him as such . " Kristopher , " I say again " I want you too . " That 's all he needs to hear . His lips crash down on mine . His hands skim down my spine and squeeze my ass and lift me up . He doesn 't need to tell me he 'll be gentle . His slow sensuous movements and sensitive touch on my skins tells me everything I need to know . His kiss is soft and tender . He lowers me down his erection . Kissing me , messaging my breasts , teasing my clitoris as he keeps pushing me down on him . When his bulbous head pierces my hymen my body stiffens in his embrace . He deepens our kiss ; plays with my nipples and clit until he feels me relaxing again . " God , Nina , you feel so good , hot , wet and so incredibly tight . I want to ride you like this forever , " he groans as his cock moves languidly in and out . His mouth kisses my lips , my chin , my throat , the vein erratically pulsing under my ear lobe , which makes my muscles constrict around his girth . He pumps inside of me faster . Slapping his balls against my ass . Reaching deeper inside of me with each savage thrust . I feel my blood turn to fiery sludge . I feel the air in my lungs grow heavy . I feel my stomach knot and explode . White fire rages through me . I arch my back , slam my hips down on his upward thrusts and clamp my muscles around his erection milking him to the last drop . Hot thick come , mine , his , slides out of my overfilled pussy . His lips claim mine in another slow tender kiss . His fingers dip in my long curls . We break apart breathless . " I 've wanted you for so long , I can 't let you go now that I 've tasted you , " he searches my face to make sure I understand what he means . " Kristopher , I 've wanted you for so long as well , I was afraid to let you know . I didn 't want to overstep . I know you loved Claire I didn 't want to take her memory away from you . " " Oh Nina , Claire will always be a part of me . She 's given me Andrew . It wasn 't easy after her death . When you came to live with us things got better . You were able to give Andrew what I couldn 't through my grief . In time the grief lessened and now I am able to enjoy the time I spend with my son . I no longer resent him for taking her away from me . The doctors did all they could to save them both after the car crash … " his voice trails off . I lean forward and kiss him . " I don 't see why not . You are nineteen . Have been for three months . The fact that I am dozen years older , well if you don 't have a problem with that , and I don 't have a problem with it , I don 't see why we couldn 't make it work . Does it bother you that I am thirty one ? " " Not a lick , " I answer honestly . " Then we are good . Now I am taking you to bed . I want to make love to you again . " The scene was a complete stereotype , in pretty much every fashion . It was the middle of the night , it was raining and it was a dark back ally in a sprawling city , all you could really hear was a distant bit of jazz music , cats making a mess of some trash cans and the occasion footsteps as people made their way with their eyes fixed on the ground less they look somewhere that they shouldn 't It wasn 't the nicest of areas , the kind of area a man could get mugged and stabbed and nobody would even dare to offer any help . This night brought something new , like most did . A Tall dark man by the name of Isaac was strolling the pavement , he was clad in a long trench coat and wore a trilby at just the right angle to hide his face in the shadows . He was walking with the pace of someone who had somewhere to be , somewhere important . He had come to the Alleyway with something in mind . There was a single door with a small Chinese man standing outside , as Isaac approached , the man slid a hand into his pocket and rested it on the handle of his revolver . Isaac noted the movement and raised his hands gently and approached him . " I sure wish the flowers would bloom like in my home town " he said in a hushed voice . The Man nodded and opened the door , allowing him to step inside . The door closed with a thump behind him and he took in his new surroundings , the room was well sized but hardly in the greatest conditions , set in the middle was a large bed , its cover 's looked brand new and probably just been changed , the carpet however was a mess of stains of all sorts and the various storage cases around the room described different toys and items . On the far side of the room was a bathroom door , almost by queue though - or more routine , there was a flushing sound and the young girl from the picture came out of the room . He could see the glimmer of despair in her eyes before she forced on the fake smile and made her way over to him . In the studio 's dressing room , Lisa dressed herself in jeans , a red shirt , and a jacket . She put on a pair of sunglasses and tucked her blond hair underneath her sports cap . When she exited the studio , many crowds of people strolled past her ; too many for her liking , however , she walked with a group . Despite her dislike , she believed there was safety in numbers . Lisa looked at the subway station , which was far from her , when her phone vibrated in her pocket . She entered a store . When she passed the counter , the store 's owner stared at her large breasts , but Lisa averted his gaze . She kept her back to him while she pretended to browse through the chips and pastries . Afterward , she walked behind a rack of paper towels , and took out her cellphone . It vibrated against her palm , and the word ' Dad ' was on the screen . She answered it . " How you been ? I thought you forgot about me , " said her father , who was letting the phone rest on his shoulder as he placed a brown package on his bed . Lisa laughed . " I 've been busy ! My classes are hard , especially lab . My professor gave the class some powder and I have to find out what it is . " " Wow , things sure have changed . When I was in college , I was a protester . You 're never getting drafted because of me ! " They laughed together . Afterward , there was silence on the line , until Lisa 's father said " You sure you don 't need help ? " " Eight - fifty an hour and I do it every weekday . " Lisa 's father told her to stay on the phone . He went to Lisa 's room , and picked up her calculator which was on her nightstand . He calculated the amount she made in a week . Lisa wondered if her father hanged up , but heard his voice again . " Yes , I am , " said Lisa . She picked up a bag of cookies , and put it down . " Alright , I love you . If you need help , just let me know . " " Love you too . Bye dad . " Lisa hanged up and slid the phone into her pocket . Her dad dialed a number on his phone . He waited for the dial tone . In a feminine voice , he heard " Hi honey . How are you ? " The woman cursed . " If only she was smarter , a scholarship would have been good , " she said . " Come on . Don 't talk like that . You 're her mother . " She sighed . " You 're right , but what if she has to pay back loans ? " Lisa 's father put the phone on the charger , and entered his room . He locked the door and unzipped his pants . He sat on his bed , and opened the package . There was a magazine inside , and he was looking at its back cover , which showed the back of a blond woman dressed in a nurse 's outfit . He flipped it to the front cover like a pancake . The same woman is on the front . Her index finger was against her lush lips , she had large breasts , and her panties were slightly exposed . Lisa 's father threw the magazine . It slammed against the wall and landed on the floor . That became his last issue of Barely Legal . |
Got another round of snow today - 10 inches . Five more on the way tomorrow . What a winter . Why do all the storms fall on weekends or holidays ? I sure am getting gyped out of some good snow days ! So unfair . I shoveled a path around my garden - so the dogs can run circles around the yard . They were thrilled and spent most of the morning running at top speed . I also put a couple poles across the snow banks for some " winter agility " . Watching their Daddy plow the driveway . Here is a video of Oreo running from Misty . It 's hard to see Misty , as Oreo is way ahead of her for most of the time ! He 's got that youth thing going for him . Have to give kudos to Misty for even trying to keep up with him . Warning : video may cause dizziness . Hope everyone has a safe and happy new year 's eve . Jeff and I will be eating lobster and staying in . I 'll probably be sound asleep by 9 : 30 . Written by On Christmas day , my Dad showed Jeff his childhood Lionel train set . What is it with men and train sets ? Just being near a train set , instantly transforms grown men into kids in a candy shop . OK , I 'll admit , my Dad 's trains are really cool . I loved playing with them when I was a kid . He has some cars that actually do things - like the milk man who puts the bottles of milk on the platform . My favorite . Jeff was impressed by the heft of the control box . He loves how all the cars are made of metal , not plastic . Nothing is made in China . In fact , it is made in NY . Jeff loves the history of the train set , and could picture my Dad setting it up with my Paki in their dining room . Jeff wants to get it up and running , so that he can pass it on to Theo and Miles when they are old enough to appreciate the trains and their history . Jeff brought the boxes of trains to our house , to see if he could get them up and running . He set up a small circle of track , put the engine on the track , and it was off and running . He called me down to the basement to check it out . I had to get down on the ground to take in a good whiff of the train . The smell brought me right back to being ten years old . There was a button on the controller that Jeff didn 't know what it was for . To my own amazement , I remembered that if you pressed it once , the train stops , press it again and the train goes backward . I knew the big button was the train 's whistle . Since then , Jeff has done nothing but search ebay for tracks , and other train accessories . At first , he was going to set up a track near the ceiling of his room , and have the train go around the room . After seeing the train , he now has bigger ambitions , involving several sheets of plywood . Where to put it ? Move over choppers , there 's a new obsession in the basement . Oreo and I have been practicing our hallway agility course for a week now . He is a really fast learner . When I say , " Let 's go do ' gility " , Oreo runs to the hallway . Oreo will now jump 7 inches high , go thru the tunnel , follow me to a bedroom , " look at me " , sit and stay for five seconds and then we reverse . He does this sequence with about 80 % accuracy , without treats . It is amazing ! Getting Oreo to sit for five seconds , the legal requirement in agility competitions , without feeding him treats has been our greatest accomplishment . He just learned that today , and has already mastered it . Jeff was very impressed when I showed him . Oreo has never been very obedient about sitting unless I had food in my hand . So , to see him sit and stay while I counted to five is huge ! I often find Oreo " practicing " on his own , by going in and out of the tunnel . He loves it . Still waiting for the agility kit to arrive - where is it already ? I am very anxious to start training Oreo on the weave poles . The snow is almost melted , and will probably be all gone by the end of the weekend . If the yard wasn 't a giant mud pit , we could set it up outside . All the research says that shelties need a job , due to their high intelligence and history of being herding dogs . Only the border collie is smarter than the sheltie . Hopefully , agility will become Oreo 's new job , and he will finally retire from chewing furniture . Here is a video of our hallway agility . Unfortunately , there is no sound - so pretend you can hear me saying , " jump , tunnel , over here , look at me , sit , stay , tunnel , etc . . . " Oreo usually runs this course much faster , but I was trying to slow him down so the camera could keep up . The faster he goes , the more excited he gets , which results in a lot of jumping up and down at the end . I love how Misty kind of follows along , as long as she can avoid the tunnel ! It was a year ago today , that we had Munchkin put to sleep . It seems as though so much time has passed , but the memories of those last days are still fresh . The pain can resurface when I least expect it . Choosing to put your dog to sleep can be the best gift you ever give to a pet , especially when they are suffering from chronic pain . Doing so , however , toys with your emotions . How can we ever know it was the right time ? For a long time , my heart doubted my decision , even though my brain told me it was the right thing to do . Every Christmas , Munchkin would plop himself down in my mom 's kitchen , right in front of the oven . He could smell the beef cooking , and knew " the food lady " would soon be sneaking him meat and filling up his bowl with beef and buttered toast . That was Munchkin 's last meal . This year , my shy Misty , took Munchkin 's spot in the kitchen . You can see where dogs ' true loyalties lie - in their bellies . Munchkin watching the " food lady " Munchkin would always sleep on my pillow , or curled up next to me under the covers . Recently , Oreo has taken over that spot at night . Oreo curls himself up in a ball , snuggles up , and lets out a big sigh . Heaven . During the last few weeks of Munchkin 's life , he had difficulty walking on our vinyl and wood floors . He was in too much pain to hold his legs up on the slippery surfaces . He would fall and then couldn 't get up . Jeff went out and bought lots of carpet runners , so Munchkin wouldn 't fall so much . Now , I will be using those runners to help Oreo get better traction while using our indoor agility course . Oreo is learning so quickly , and I feel like our bond has grown so much since we started agility just a few days ago . I hope someday my bond with Oreo will be as strong as the one I had with Munchkin . Munchkin was so in tune with my emotions . He watched and studied me . There was so much trust between us . He always knew when I was coming home , even if I had been gone for a few days . I gave Munchkin the best life that I could , and he enriched my life in so many ways . MuWritten by Here 's to a safe , peaceful and fun Christmas ! Oreo has lots of presents , on top of his crate . No tree this year , as I am sure Oreo would have eaten all the ornaments ! His best present will be arriving late this year . Check out what I just ordered for him ( me ) : I 'm sure when it gets here , Jeff will say , " I could have made that " . Then , he will get to work making me more jumps and inevitably start selling them on Ebay . I also ordered a 9 foot long tunnel . Oreo loves his 3 foot cardboard tunnel , so I am anxious to see how he feels about a really long one , which is also bendable . Today , Oreo 's sole obsession will be all the kielbasa and golumbki smells in the kitchen . I almost lost the kielbasa to Oreo 's high jumping ability when I had my back turned for 2 seconds . I heard the leap up , and Oreo was almost able to grab it off the counter , before I yelled , " No " . Considering the fact that I had to try 3 stores before I was able to find the kielbasa , it could have been disastrous . Right now , Oreo is barking at the stationary broom in the bathroom - just waiting for it to move . Do you think this dog needs an outlet for his energy ? That agility kit can 't come soon enough ! Happy 1st Birthday Oreo ! ! ! Can 't believe how much you 've grown ! Here 's to many healthy , happy years of balls , jerky , chases , running , jumping , attacking the vacumm , singing , digging , hiding , etc . Written by Since the dog walking thing has become a thing of the past , due to weather and killer dogs , I have begun looking for other means to exercise my dogs . Oreo has learned to jump , so I decided to try training him for agility . For the past two days , I have set up what my students would call a " ghetto " agility course in my hallway . Instead of a fancy , retractable tunnel , I have an opened up cardboard box . Instead of a sturdy PVC jump , I have some cardboard boxes holding up a swiffer broom . Thank goodness we order everything on line , which provides an endless supply of cardboard in all shapes and sizes . I set the jump up across the whole hallway , so that the dogs have no choice but to jump if they want to get down the hall . I have it low enough so they can 't crawl under it . This seems to be working . Both Oreo and Misty have done countless " jumps " . Whether they are doing it because I am telling them to is highly questionable . The fact that I have jerky in my pocket may also be a motivator . Regardless , I get excited when I say " jump " and they do . The tunnel is a little trickier . I couldn 't get a box as wide as the hallway , so I have to be a little more diligent about my commands . It took about ten times , and Oreo will now " tunnel " on command about 50 % of the time . 100 % of the time if I put a treat in the tunnel . I am so proud when I say " tunnel " and Oreo goes right to the box and walks through . Misty , on the other hand , is terrified of the tunnel , and will only go through if I push her . Oreo waits on the other side of the box with his head peeking in , like " Come on Misty , it 's fun , go through the box . " When Oreo jumps on command , and then follows with an immediate " tunnel " , I get really excited . This is the dogs ' favorite part . I jump up and down , and sing their praises in a really high voice ( which I am sure would be highly annoying to all of you ) . They lavish in my love and jump all over me . We may never be ready for competition , but it sure is fun . Can 't wait to start on the weave poles . . . hmmm . . . maybe some ski poles would woWritten by Woke up to some pretty snow this morning . I love it when it sticks to the tree branches . It always makes everything seem so peaceful and quiet . I brought Oreo to the vet today for his recheck . Oreo now has a clean bill of health . His wounds are healing nicely , and we just have to finish another week of antibiotics . Getting him to take that is a challenge . I try hiding it in food , but he is on to me . He eats the food and leaves the pill behind . Even the ol ' standby of peanut butter isn 't working for him . There were tons of dogs , of all sizes , at the vet , because all the employees were having a group photo taken , with all their pets . Oreo did a little low growling at the big dogs , but no barking . So , I saw that as a positive sign . Misty went nose to nose with the dogs , but made sure to keep the rest of her body as far away as possible for a quick escape . She does the same thing with people , so I think she is fine . Now , I just wait for a check from the owners of the attack dogs . . . . Today , would have been Munchie 's 15th birthday ! Happy birthday Munch ! It was warm enough today to actually stay outside for more than 60 seconds . When I got home from school , I brought Oreo 's ball outside and started throwing it for him out in the snow . I have a large area of the yard shoveled , to make it easier for the dogs to get around . Now , I have never been good at any sport involving throwing , catching , or hitting balls . In gym class , I would always set myself as far away from any flying objects as possible . Even then , I almost always ended up getting hit by the ball while trying to avoid having to catch it . Today , I tried to keep Oreo 's ball in the shoveled part of the yard , but of course some throws went astray into the thick snow . When that happened , Oreo would run for the ball , hit the big snow bank , and then look at me , as if to say , " Do I really want the ball bad enough to plow through this snow bank ? " Then , I saw him do something amazing ( at least to me , being the proud mother ) . Instead of jumping into the snow , Oreo would get his belly on top of the snow bank , and then crawl across the top of the snow . He is light enough , that with his body weight evenly dispersed , he didn 't sink into the snow at all . Now , as far as I know , Oreo has never taken a physics course . How did he know to use his whole body to scoot across the top of the snow ? Other , dumber , dogs ( and most people ) would simply jump through the snow . My dog found a better way . Is it instinct , or brilliance ? Misty is my " good child " . Misty does whatever I ask , never gives me any back talk , eats whatever I give her , has never been seriously ill or injured , and gives me hugs and cuddles whenever I need one . I tell Oreo to sit , he ignores me , but Misty sits obediently . I call Oreo , he ignores me , but Misty comes promptly . She doesn 't chew anything but her toys . I can leave her off a leash , and know she will not stray too far from my side . Misty is a perfect dog . Loyal , sweet , docile , beautiful , tolerant , yet she knows how to have a good time . I got Misty a few months after Munchkin was attacked . I had spent so much time at our vet , that when a woman was looking for a good home for her shelties , the vet knew I would be a good person to call . The minute I saw Misty prancing around our yard , I knew I had to have her . It was a little rocky for the first few days , but Munchkin took to her , or at least tolerated her presence . Misty adored Munchkin , although she was jealous of him at times . She was always pushing Munchkin to the side whenever I would pay attention to him . This earned her the nickname , " tank " . When Munchkin died , I don 't know how I could have gotten through that sad time without Misty . She was hurting too , but her cuddles and enthusiasm when I came home each day made the pain a little easier . I didn 't have to come home to a dogless house . That would have been heart wrenching for me . I am lost at home without a dog . It doesn 't happen often , but when both dogs are at the vet I don 't know what to do with myself . I guess that 's how Misty felt when Munchkin died . Misty would wail and cry when we would go to work . She was so lonely without her brother . Bringing Oreo into the house was a huge adjustment for Misty . She had a meltdown , and had to spend the day at the vet . That was the only big vet bill she has had , so far . After a couple weeks , she settled down , and learned to love her new brother . Misty plays with him and doesn 't cry when we go to work anymore . She also keeps Oreo in line . My little babysitter . Oreo is in love with Misty , just like Misty loved Munchkin . I often think Oreo loves Misty more than he loves me . I worry about how he will react when she dies . I worry about me too . How will I cope without my reliable , velcro dog ? Although Misty is my " good child " , she has always played second fiddle to her brothers . Forever the middle child , never getting as much attention as her older or younger brother . She never got the good spot on the couch or bed when Munchkin was around . Oreo is so demanding of my time , that I sometimes feel I am neglecting Misty . Munchkin was my heart dog . Oreo is my baby . Misty is my good girl , and she is probably the best dog I will ever have . Written by Here is a photo of the dogs first things this morning , during the snow / sleet part of the storm : We didn 't get as much snow as originally forecast - which is good for me since Jeff isn 't here to snow blow for me . Here is a video of the pups playing in the snow . As you can see Oreo isn 't letting his injuries slow him down at all ! Really cold today . The dogs could only stay outside for a few minutes , before their paws started to hurt from the cold . They need to put their boots on in this weather . More snow on the way for tomorrow , and ice too . Here are some photos of the dogs in the snow : How could this happen again ? I take my dogs for what I knew would be their last walk for several days , with two snow storms on the way . We walk less than half a mile , when a huge St . Bernard comes charging across a very busy road and immediately takes Oreo in his mouth . I screamed at the top of my lungs , hoping the owner would rush out and control his dog . Then , another St . Bernard comes charging out . I kick and hit the dogs , desperately trying to free my precious baby from this dog 's mouth . The whole thing was surreal . I feared the worst . I was terrified that if I let go of Oreo 's leash , he would take off and I might never see him again . In hind sight , maybe I should have let him go to give him half a chance against this huge beast . At one point , Oreo did break free from my grip , and took off , only to have the big dog catch up to him again . Finally , the owner of the two dogs came out , and several cars stopped to help me . I started screaming numerous expletives at the owner , and explained to the bystanders that this has happened to me before . Oreo looked OK , but he was shaking and growling . A woman looked him over and didn 't see any wounds , nor did I , but it was still dark out and hard to see much . I just wanted to get back home . So , I started walking the dogs and noticed Oreo was limping . I yelled to the owner that I would be coming to him if I had any vet bills . I picked Oreo up and carried him all the way home . I walked into the bedroom and told Jeff what happened . His first comment was , " I 'll kill those dogs . " His second comment , " Oh my God , you 're covered in blood . " I looked down , and the entire front of my white jacket was now red . We checked Oreo out in the light and saw he had a few puncture wounds under his hind leg . I put some gauze on it and we brought him to the vet . The good news is , Oreo will be OK physically . Mentally , I 'm not sure yet . I hope this attack doesn 't break Oreo 's carefree , happy spirit . At the vet , he was growling at the receptionist 's sweet collie , which Oreo has never done before . The sameWritten by We woke up to an ice covered driveway yesterday . It was at least 1 / 4 inch thick . I had a two hour delay , but Jeff still had to get to work on time . Jeff threw down all the bags of salt we had on our driveway , and hoped it would melt the ice before he had to leave . No such luck . It didn 't even make a dent . Jeff ended up going out there with a garden shovel , and was able to pound away a few patches so we could at least get a few feet of traction as we made the slick ride down the hill into the road . We both made it out without running into traffic . Jeff had a close call with the county snow plow . That could have been bad . The temperatures didn 't rise much during the day , so when I got home there was still a lot of ice on the driveway . Jeff decided to buy some more salt on his way home from work . Jeff stopped at the hardware store near our house ; a store we try to avoid . We sued the owner years ago when his dog bit me and practically killed my dog as we walked past his house . I hate to give him any of our money , but sometimes it 's just easier to stop there , than drive the extra few miles to the Depot . It 's also the only local place that sells chrome screws , which Jeff uses for his choppers . Jeff has literally bought over a thousand dollars worth of screws at the store . You pay big bucks for extra pretty screws and bolts . To buy salt , you go inside and tell the cashier what size bags you want and how many . You pay , then bring your receipt outside where young , strapping boys load the bags in your car for you . Jeff told the cashier he wanted five 50 pound bags of salt . He brought his receipt outside , and helped the boys load the bags in his truck . Jeff got inside his truck , and noticed the owner coming outside . The owner began yelling at the boys , and scolding them for not looking at the receipt and kept pointing at the cashier inside . Jeff could have driven away , but instead he rolled down his window and yelled to the owner , " Do you want to see my receipt ? " The owner came over , looked at the receipt , which clearly stated thatWritten by Some years , it 's just hard for me to get in the " holiday spirit " , and I don 't think I 'm alone . Often , Christmas becomes " Stressmas . " One of my co - workers hands out new desk calendars every year to a bunch of teachers . As she hands each one out , she says , " There , you 're done . " She can 't wait to get all the various presents out of her house and off to the receiver . While , she may come across as being a Scrooge , I think we all kind of feel the same way at times . Buying Christmas gifts is just another thing added to our every growing To Do list . We want to find the perfect gift for everyone , and that 's not always easy . Advertisements are constantly bombarding us with " perfect gifts " for those fantasy people with perfect lives . Another co - worker asked me not to buy her a Christmas gift this year , because she can 't afford to buy me one . She is certainly feeling like it 's " stressmas " . I never bought her a gift with the expectation of getting something in return , but I 'm not going to give her one this year if it will make her feel bad that she couldn 't reciprocate . I see students wearing the same clothes everyday , and know there won 't be lots of presents under their trees . How stressful for them to see their classmates return after the new year sporting all their new clothes , latest cell phones , and mp3 players . Even in my affluent high school , it was like a competition to see who had the most new outfits after Christmas . The two weeks before Christmas break are often the worst two weeks of the school year . Expectations are running high . Kids see commercials and Christmas specials depicting perfect family holidays , when their family doesn 't even come close . Many have absent fathers , parents addicted to drugs , little food , no heat , and health problems . The stress of it all leads to fights , defiance , and sadness . I try to keep their home lives in mind when the kids start acting out . It makes me feel a little less stressed about my life , when I put myself in their shoes for a moment . Many of them experience far more " StressmasWritten by A few weeks ago , we began being awakened in the middle of the night . The bed was shaking , metal was clanging . No , it wasn 't a train going by , it was our dogs scratching non stop . Their tags were clinking , their legs scratching furiously , and their teeth gnawing on their own skin . I would come home from work , and the living room would be covered with fur that had been removed by their toe nails from scratching so much . Why were they scratching ? I ruled out bugs , being it 's November and freezing . No bug could survive . Misty has seasonal allergies in late summer , but all pollens are pretty much gone after a few hard frosts . Dry skin ? Food allergy ? Off to google I go . Everything I read , said the primary culprit of dogs scratching is fleas . Well , I haven 't had a dog with fleas since my first year with Munchkin . Plus , flea season is long gone . So , on to the second cause - allergies . Can 't be seasonal allergies , but it could be food allergies . Dogs are allergic to all sorts of food , including wheat , corn , and even different types of meat . I analyzed what new foods and treats I had been giving the dogs . I couldn 't come up with any new ingredient that might be making both dogs scratch . Plus , most articles indicated that it would be very rare for two dogs in the same household to be allergic to the same thing . I decided it had to be just dry skin , from the change in weather and the fact that we had finally decided to turn the heat on in the house . I went to one of my favorite dog catalogs , and ordered some " skin and coat " vitamins and fresh salmon oil from Iceland . Both contain omega fatty acids , and are known to help dogs with allergies and skin problems . Unfortunately , they can take a month or so to become effective . I resorted to giving Oreo Benadryl at night . This seemed to help a little , but it may have just been knocking him out , not helping his allergies . He still woke up at 4AM scratching . I 've started calling Oreo , " Sas - scratch - iwan " . After a week on the fish oil , the dogs ' coats were so shiny . I have never seen them looWritten by I 've been trying to give Oreo some more freedom , and time out of his crate when no one is home . Some days , he behaves like an angel . Some days , more like a devil . Before I go to work , I exercise Oreo and play some games . I shut all the bedroom doors , and limit him to the living room and kitchen , which I try to dog proof as much as possible . I leave him plenty of dog friendly toys , many stuffed with yummy food . He eats those , but unfortunately Oreo seems to enjoy chewing on wood and electrical cords . I have tried spraying the chew deterrents they sell in pet stores , such as bitter apple , on the furniture . Dogs are supposed to hate the taste . Unfortunately , Oreo likes the taste . I spray it , and he runs over to lick it all up . Yummy . I did some googling for help . The sites said to find something the dog doesn 't like and then apply that to the furniture . I know Oreo doesn 't like green beans , but how could I adhere beans to wood and cords ? Also , how would I keep Misty from eating the green beans - she likes them . So , I put some cayenne pepper on a piece of cheese to see if Oreo would like it . He lapped it right up and came back for more . I needed something hotter . I squirted some Tabasco sauce on the cheese . He sniffed it , licked it , looked at me in horror , and then backed away . Yes ! I found something he doesn 't like . Now , how to apply Tabasco sauce ? I couldn 't just pour it over everything in the living room . I resorted to mixing it with Vaseline and then spreading it on all the furniture he has been chewing on . This is really kind of icky , and dog fur sticks to it readily . The room now has a tex - mex aroma whenever you walk in . Too bad it 's Christmas time , rather than Cinqo de Maya . The day after I applied the vaseline , I came home from work , inspected all the furniture , and found no bite marks ! I lavished Oreo with praise and treats . Later as it began getting darker , I went to turn on the one living room light that hasn 't had its cord chewed through , and nothing . Oreo had chewed right through the cord . Jeff came home , and reWritten by Jeff came home from work the other day , stopped for a bit in the garage , and then came upstairs . The minute he stepped in the door , he said to me , " Don 't be alarmed when you go in the basement . " Oh no , I thought , another dead mouse . Seeing one of those can give me nightmares for months . Even if I don 't see it , just knowing Jeff put a carcass in the garbage can outside is enough to freak me out . The little critters dodge in when the garage door is open , and then can 't get out . We have every nook and cranny filled with insulation to keep them from coming in . Unfortunately , they can 't leave either . There are bite marks all over the seal on the bottom of the garage doors from them trying to gnaw their way out . Eventually they must conk out from starvation or dehydration . I asked Jeff warily , " Why would I be alarmed ? " Jeff says , " Oh , there 's another bike down there . " Doesn 't he realize that I would never have even noticed another bike , let alone be " alarmed " ? If he had only one bike , and then brought home another , I might notice . However , adding another to a collection makes it really easy to miss a newcomer . Hell , I came home from work the other day , parked my car in the garage , went upstairs and didn 't even notice that Jeff was in the garage himself ! He came upstairs an hour later wondering why I hadn 't stopped to say hello . Honestly , I am so used to watching where I 'm walking so I don 't knock a bike over , that I had no idea he was even there . Oreo is doing his snow dance , in hopes of a snow day tomorrow , which means more " mommy time " for Oreo . He 'll be wearing his pj 's inside out tonight . Written by We had a dusting of snow overnight . I heard the plows going by , and was anxious to let Oreo out to see his reaction . It would be his first encounter with snow as a " real dog " . I did bring him out in the snow when he was a baby , but I don 't think he remembers that . He was so scared of being outside ' everything was just too new . Now that Oreo has made the backyard his territory , I knew this would be a special moment . Usually , in the morning , Oreo runs right to his " pee spot " , goes , and then comes charging back in the house for breakfast . Today , I opened the back door , and Oreo peered out . He noticed the snow right away . He ran down the ramp and began circling the yard with his nose to the ground . He either couldn 't stand still long enough to pee , or forgot why he went out there in the first place . I think he has a little ADHD . Oreo ran over to poor Misty , who was trying to pee in privacy , and kept nudging her , as if to say " Look , there is cold , wet stuff all over the yard . " He did a few more circles , and finally realized his bladder was calling . He peed . Did some more circles , then stopped to pee some more . Finally , he came charging back in the house to tell me all about it . Can 't wait to see him when we get some real snow tomorrow ! |
Got another round of snow today - 10 inches . Five more on the way tomorrow . What a winter . Why do all the storms fall on weekends or holidays ? I sure am getting gyped out of some good snow days ! So unfair . I shoveled a path around my garden - so the dogs can run circles around the yard . They were thrilled and spent most of the morning running at top speed . I also put a couple poles across the snow banks for some " winter agility " . Watching their Daddy plow the driveway . Here is a video of Oreo running from Misty . It 's hard to see Misty , as Oreo is way ahead of her for most of the time ! He 's got that youth thing going for him . Have to give kudos to Misty for even trying to keep up with him . Warning : video may cause dizziness . Hope everyone has a safe and happy new year 's eve . Jeff and I will be eating lobster and staying in . I 'll probably be sound asleep by 9 : 30 . Written by On Christmas day , my Dad showed Jeff his childhood Lionel train set . What is it with men and train sets ? Just being near a train set , instantly transforms grown men into kids in a candy shop . OK , I 'll admit , my Dad 's trains are really cool . I loved playing with them when I was a kid . He has some cars that actually do things - like the milk man who puts the bottles of milk on the platform . My favorite . Jeff was impressed by the heft of the control box . He loves how all the cars are made of metal , not plastic . Nothing is made in China . In fact , it is made in NY . Jeff loves the history of the train set , and could picture my Dad setting it up with my Paki in their dining room . Jeff wants to get it up and running , so that he can pass it on to Theo and Miles when they are old enough to appreciate the trains and their history . Jeff brought the boxes of trains to our house , to see if he could get them up and running . He set up a small circle of track , put the engine on the track , and it was off and running . He called me down to the basement to check it out . I had to get down on the ground to take in a good whiff of the train . The smell brought me right back to being ten years old . There was a button on the controller that Jeff didn 't know what it was for . To my own amazement , I remembered that if you pressed it once , the train stops , press it again and the train goes backward . I knew the big button was the train 's whistle . Since then , Jeff has done nothing but search ebay for tracks , and other train accessories . At first , he was going to set up a track near the ceiling of his room , and have the train go around the room . After seeing the train , he now has bigger ambitions , involving several sheets of plywood . Where to put it ? Move over choppers , there 's a new obsession in the basement . Oreo and I have been practicing our hallway agility course for a week now . He is a really fast learner . When I say , " Let 's go do ' gility " , Oreo runs to the hallway . Oreo will now jump 7 inches high , go thru the tunnel , follow me to a bedroom , " look at me " , sit and stay for five seconds and then we reverse . He does this sequence with about 80 % accuracy , without treats . It is amazing ! Getting Oreo to sit for five seconds , the legal requirement in agility competitions , without feeding him treats has been our greatest accomplishment . He just learned that today , and has already mastered it . Jeff was very impressed when I showed him . Oreo has never been very obedient about sitting unless I had food in my hand . So , to see him sit and stay while I counted to five is huge ! I often find Oreo " practicing " on his own , by going in and out of the tunnel . He loves it . Still waiting for the agility kit to arrive - where is it already ? I am very anxious to start training Oreo on the weave poles . The snow is almost melted , and will probably be all gone by the end of the weekend . If the yard wasn 't a giant mud pit , we could set it up outside . All the research says that shelties need a job , due to their high intelligence and history of being herding dogs . Only the border collie is smarter than the sheltie . Hopefully , agility will become Oreo 's new job , and he will finally retire from chewing furniture . Here is a video of our hallway agility . Unfortunately , there is no sound - so pretend you can hear me saying , " jump , tunnel , over here , look at me , sit , stay , tunnel , etc . . . " Oreo usually runs this course much faster , but I was trying to slow him down so the camera could keep up . The faster he goes , the more excited he gets , which results in a lot of jumping up and down at the end . I love how Misty kind of follows along , as long as she can avoid the tunnel ! It was a year ago today , that we had Munchkin put to sleep . It seems as though so much time has passed , but the memories of those last days are still fresh . The pain can resurface when I least expect it . Choosing to put your dog to sleep can be the best gift you ever give to a pet , especially when they are suffering from chronic pain . Doing so , however , toys with your emotions . How can we ever know it was the right time ? For a long time , my heart doubted my decision , even though my brain told me it was the right thing to do . Every Christmas , Munchkin would plop himself down in my mom 's kitchen , right in front of the oven . He could smell the beef cooking , and knew " the food lady " would soon be sneaking him meat and filling up his bowl with beef and buttered toast . That was Munchkin 's last meal . This year , my shy Misty , took Munchkin 's spot in the kitchen . You can see where dogs ' true loyalties lie - in their bellies . Munchkin watching the " food lady " Munchkin would always sleep on my pillow , or curled up next to me under the covers . Recently , Oreo has taken over that spot at night . Oreo curls himself up in a ball , snuggles up , and lets out a big sigh . Heaven . During the last few weeks of Munchkin 's life , he had difficulty walking on our vinyl and wood floors . He was in too much pain to hold his legs up on the slippery surfaces . He would fall and then couldn 't get up . Jeff went out and bought lots of carpet runners , so Munchkin wouldn 't fall so much . Now , I will be using those runners to help Oreo get better traction while using our indoor agility course . Oreo is learning so quickly , and I feel like our bond has grown so much since we started agility just a few days ago . I hope someday my bond with Oreo will be as strong as the one I had with Munchkin . Munchkin was so in tune with my emotions . He watched and studied me . There was so much trust between us . He always knew when I was coming home , even if I had been gone for a few days . I gave Munchkin the best life that I could , and he enriched my life in so many ways . MuWritten by Here 's to a safe , peaceful and fun Christmas ! Oreo has lots of presents , on top of his crate . No tree this year , as I am sure Oreo would have eaten all the ornaments ! His best present will be arriving late this year . Check out what I just ordered for him ( me ) : I 'm sure when it gets here , Jeff will say , " I could have made that " . Then , he will get to work making me more jumps and inevitably start selling them on Ebay . I also ordered a 9 foot long tunnel . Oreo loves his 3 foot cardboard tunnel , so I am anxious to see how he feels about a really long one , which is also bendable . Today , Oreo 's sole obsession will be all the kielbasa and golumbki smells in the kitchen . I almost lost the kielbasa to Oreo 's high jumping ability when I had my back turned for 2 seconds . I heard the leap up , and Oreo was almost able to grab it off the counter , before I yelled , " No " . Considering the fact that I had to try 3 stores before I was able to find the kielbasa , it could have been disastrous . Right now , Oreo is barking at the stationary broom in the bathroom - just waiting for it to move . Do you think this dog needs an outlet for his energy ? That agility kit can 't come soon enough ! Happy 1st Birthday Oreo ! ! ! Can 't believe how much you 've grown ! Here 's to many healthy , happy years of balls , jerky , chases , running , jumping , attacking the vacumm , singing , digging , hiding , etc . Written by Since the dog walking thing has become a thing of the past , due to weather and killer dogs , I have begun looking for other means to exercise my dogs . Oreo has learned to jump , so I decided to try training him for agility . For the past two days , I have set up what my students would call a " ghetto " agility course in my hallway . Instead of a fancy , retractable tunnel , I have an opened up cardboard box . Instead of a sturdy PVC jump , I have some cardboard boxes holding up a swiffer broom . Thank goodness we order everything on line , which provides an endless supply of cardboard in all shapes and sizes . I set the jump up across the whole hallway , so that the dogs have no choice but to jump if they want to get down the hall . I have it low enough so they can 't crawl under it . This seems to be working . Both Oreo and Misty have done countless " jumps " . Whether they are doing it because I am telling them to is highly questionable . The fact that I have jerky in my pocket may also be a motivator . Regardless , I get excited when I say " jump " and they do . The tunnel is a little trickier . I couldn 't get a box as wide as the hallway , so I have to be a little more diligent about my commands . It took about ten times , and Oreo will now " tunnel " on command about 50 % of the time . 100 % of the time if I put a treat in the tunnel . I am so proud when I say " tunnel " and Oreo goes right to the box and walks through . Misty , on the other hand , is terrified of the tunnel , and will only go through if I push her . Oreo waits on the other side of the box with his head peeking in , like " Come on Misty , it 's fun , go through the box . " When Oreo jumps on command , and then follows with an immediate " tunnel " , I get really excited . This is the dogs ' favorite part . I jump up and down , and sing their praises in a really high voice ( which I am sure would be highly annoying to all of you ) . They lavish in my love and jump all over me . We may never be ready for competition , but it sure is fun . Can 't wait to start on the weave poles . . . hmmm . . . maybe some ski poles would woWritten by Woke up to some pretty snow this morning . I love it when it sticks to the tree branches . It always makes everything seem so peaceful and quiet . I brought Oreo to the vet today for his recheck . Oreo now has a clean bill of health . His wounds are healing nicely , and we just have to finish another week of antibiotics . Getting him to take that is a challenge . I try hiding it in food , but he is on to me . He eats the food and leaves the pill behind . Even the ol ' standby of peanut butter isn 't working for him . There were tons of dogs , of all sizes , at the vet , because all the employees were having a group photo taken , with all their pets . Oreo did a little low growling at the big dogs , but no barking . So , I saw that as a positive sign . Misty went nose to nose with the dogs , but made sure to keep the rest of her body as far away as possible for a quick escape . She does the same thing with people , so I think she is fine . Now , I just wait for a check from the owners of the attack dogs . . . . Today , would have been Munchie 's 15th birthday ! Happy birthday Munch ! It was warm enough today to actually stay outside for more than 60 seconds . When I got home from school , I brought Oreo 's ball outside and started throwing it for him out in the snow . I have a large area of the yard shoveled , to make it easier for the dogs to get around . Now , I have never been good at any sport involving throwing , catching , or hitting balls . In gym class , I would always set myself as far away from any flying objects as possible . Even then , I almost always ended up getting hit by the ball while trying to avoid having to catch it . Today , I tried to keep Oreo 's ball in the shoveled part of the yard , but of course some throws went astray into the thick snow . When that happened , Oreo would run for the ball , hit the big snow bank , and then look at me , as if to say , " Do I really want the ball bad enough to plow through this snow bank ? " Then , I saw him do something amazing ( at least to me , being the proud mother ) . Instead of jumping into the snow , Oreo would get his belly on top of the snow bank , and then crawl across the top of the snow . He is light enough , that with his body weight evenly dispersed , he didn 't sink into the snow at all . Now , as far as I know , Oreo has never taken a physics course . How did he know to use his whole body to scoot across the top of the snow ? Other , dumber , dogs ( and most people ) would simply jump through the snow . My dog found a better way . Is it instinct , or brilliance ? Misty is my " good child " . Misty does whatever I ask , never gives me any back talk , eats whatever I give her , has never been seriously ill or injured , and gives me hugs and cuddles whenever I need one . I tell Oreo to sit , he ignores me , but Misty sits obediently . I call Oreo , he ignores me , but Misty comes promptly . She doesn 't chew anything but her toys . I can leave her off a leash , and know she will not stray too far from my side . Misty is a perfect dog . Loyal , sweet , docile , beautiful , tolerant , yet she knows how to have a good time . I got Misty a few months after Munchkin was attacked . I had spent so much time at our vet , that when a woman was looking for a good home for her shelties , the vet knew I would be a good person to call . The minute I saw Misty prancing around our yard , I knew I had to have her . It was a little rocky for the first few days , but Munchkin took to her , or at least tolerated her presence . Misty adored Munchkin , although she was jealous of him at times . She was always pushing Munchkin to the side whenever I would pay attention to him . This earned her the nickname , " tank " . When Munchkin died , I don 't know how I could have gotten through that sad time without Misty . She was hurting too , but her cuddles and enthusiasm when I came home each day made the pain a little easier . I didn 't have to come home to a dogless house . That would have been heart wrenching for me . I am lost at home without a dog . It doesn 't happen often , but when both dogs are at the vet I don 't know what to do with myself . I guess that 's how Misty felt when Munchkin died . Misty would wail and cry when we would go to work . She was so lonely without her brother . Bringing Oreo into the house was a huge adjustment for Misty . She had a meltdown , and had to spend the day at the vet . That was the only big vet bill she has had , so far . After a couple weeks , she settled down , and learned to love her new brother . Misty plays with him and doesn 't cry when we go to work anymore . She also keeps Oreo in line . My little babysitter . Oreo is in love with Misty , just like Misty loved Munchkin . I often think Oreo loves Misty more than he loves me . I worry about how he will react when she dies . I worry about me too . How will I cope without my reliable , velcro dog ? Although Misty is my " good child " , she has always played second fiddle to her brothers . Forever the middle child , never getting as much attention as her older or younger brother . She never got the good spot on the couch or bed when Munchkin was around . Oreo is so demanding of my time , that I sometimes feel I am neglecting Misty . Munchkin was my heart dog . Oreo is my baby . Misty is my good girl , and she is probably the best dog I will ever have . Written by Here is a photo of the dogs first things this morning , during the snow / sleet part of the storm : We didn 't get as much snow as originally forecast - which is good for me since Jeff isn 't here to snow blow for me . Here is a video of the pups playing in the snow . As you can see Oreo isn 't letting his injuries slow him down at all ! Really cold today . The dogs could only stay outside for a few minutes , before their paws started to hurt from the cold . They need to put their boots on in this weather . More snow on the way for tomorrow , and ice too . Here are some photos of the dogs in the snow : How could this happen again ? I take my dogs for what I knew would be their last walk for several days , with two snow storms on the way . We walk less than half a mile , when a huge St . Bernard comes charging across a very busy road and immediately takes Oreo in his mouth . I screamed at the top of my lungs , hoping the owner would rush out and control his dog . Then , another St . Bernard comes charging out . I kick and hit the dogs , desperately trying to free my precious baby from this dog 's mouth . The whole thing was surreal . I feared the worst . I was terrified that if I let go of Oreo 's leash , he would take off and I might never see him again . In hind sight , maybe I should have let him go to give him half a chance against this huge beast . At one point , Oreo did break free from my grip , and took off , only to have the big dog catch up to him again . Finally , the owner of the two dogs came out , and several cars stopped to help me . I started screaming numerous expletives at the owner , and explained to the bystanders that this has happened to me before . Oreo looked OK , but he was shaking and growling . A woman looked him over and didn 't see any wounds , nor did I , but it was still dark out and hard to see much . I just wanted to get back home . So , I started walking the dogs and noticed Oreo was limping . I yelled to the owner that I would be coming to him if I had any vet bills . I picked Oreo up and carried him all the way home . I walked into the bedroom and told Jeff what happened . His first comment was , " I 'll kill those dogs . " His second comment , " Oh my God , you 're covered in blood . " I looked down , and the entire front of my white jacket was now red . We checked Oreo out in the light and saw he had a few puncture wounds under his hind leg . I put some gauze on it and we brought him to the vet . The good news is , Oreo will be OK physically . Mentally , I 'm not sure yet . I hope this attack doesn 't break Oreo 's carefree , happy spirit . At the vet , he was growling at the receptionist 's sweet collie , which Oreo has never done before . The sameWritten by We woke up to an ice covered driveway yesterday . It was at least 1 / 4 inch thick . I had a two hour delay , but Jeff still had to get to work on time . Jeff threw down all the bags of salt we had on our driveway , and hoped it would melt the ice before he had to leave . No such luck . It didn 't even make a dent . Jeff ended up going out there with a garden shovel , and was able to pound away a few patches so we could at least get a few feet of traction as we made the slick ride down the hill into the road . We both made it out without running into traffic . Jeff had a close call with the county snow plow . That could have been bad . The temperatures didn 't rise much during the day , so when I got home there was still a lot of ice on the driveway . Jeff decided to buy some more salt on his way home from work . Jeff stopped at the hardware store near our house ; a store we try to avoid . We sued the owner years ago when his dog bit me and practically killed my dog as we walked past his house . I hate to give him any of our money , but sometimes it 's just easier to stop there , than drive the extra few miles to the Depot . It 's also the only local place that sells chrome screws , which Jeff uses for his choppers . Jeff has literally bought over a thousand dollars worth of screws at the store . You pay big bucks for extra pretty screws and bolts . To buy salt , you go inside and tell the cashier what size bags you want and how many . You pay , then bring your receipt outside where young , strapping boys load the bags in your car for you . Jeff told the cashier he wanted five 50 pound bags of salt . He brought his receipt outside , and helped the boys load the bags in his truck . Jeff got inside his truck , and noticed the owner coming outside . The owner began yelling at the boys , and scolding them for not looking at the receipt and kept pointing at the cashier inside . Jeff could have driven away , but instead he rolled down his window and yelled to the owner , " Do you want to see my receipt ? " The owner came over , looked at the receipt , which clearly stated thatWritten by Some years , it 's just hard for me to get in the " holiday spirit " , and I don 't think I 'm alone . Often , Christmas becomes " Stressmas . " One of my co - workers hands out new desk calendars every year to a bunch of teachers . As she hands each one out , she says , " There , you 're done . " She can 't wait to get all the various presents out of her house and off to the receiver . While , she may come across as being a Scrooge , I think we all kind of feel the same way at times . Buying Christmas gifts is just another thing added to our every growing To Do list . We want to find the perfect gift for everyone , and that 's not always easy . Advertisements are constantly bombarding us with " perfect gifts " for those fantasy people with perfect lives . Another co - worker asked me not to buy her a Christmas gift this year , because she can 't afford to buy me one . She is certainly feeling like it 's " stressmas " . I never bought her a gift with the expectation of getting something in return , but I 'm not going to give her one this year if it will make her feel bad that she couldn 't reciprocate . I see students wearing the same clothes everyday , and know there won 't be lots of presents under their trees . How stressful for them to see their classmates return after the new year sporting all their new clothes , latest cell phones , and mp3 players . Even in my affluent high school , it was like a competition to see who had the most new outfits after Christmas . The two weeks before Christmas break are often the worst two weeks of the school year . Expectations are running high . Kids see commercials and Christmas specials depicting perfect family holidays , when their family doesn 't even come close . Many have absent fathers , parents addicted to drugs , little food , no heat , and health problems . The stress of it all leads to fights , defiance , and sadness . I try to keep their home lives in mind when the kids start acting out . It makes me feel a little less stressed about my life , when I put myself in their shoes for a moment . Many of them experience far more " StressmasWritten by A few weeks ago , we began being awakened in the middle of the night . The bed was shaking , metal was clanging . No , it wasn 't a train going by , it was our dogs scratching non stop . Their tags were clinking , their legs scratching furiously , and their teeth gnawing on their own skin . I would come home from work , and the living room would be covered with fur that had been removed by their toe nails from scratching so much . Why were they scratching ? I ruled out bugs , being it 's November and freezing . No bug could survive . Misty has seasonal allergies in late summer , but all pollens are pretty much gone after a few hard frosts . Dry skin ? Food allergy ? Off to google I go . Everything I read , said the primary culprit of dogs scratching is fleas . Well , I haven 't had a dog with fleas since my first year with Munchkin . Plus , flea season is long gone . So , on to the second cause - allergies . Can 't be seasonal allergies , but it could be food allergies . Dogs are allergic to all sorts of food , including wheat , corn , and even different types of meat . I analyzed what new foods and treats I had been giving the dogs . I couldn 't come up with any new ingredient that might be making both dogs scratch . Plus , most articles indicated that it would be very rare for two dogs in the same household to be allergic to the same thing . I decided it had to be just dry skin , from the change in weather and the fact that we had finally decided to turn the heat on in the house . I went to one of my favorite dog catalogs , and ordered some " skin and coat " vitamins and fresh salmon oil from Iceland . Both contain omega fatty acids , and are known to help dogs with allergies and skin problems . Unfortunately , they can take a month or so to become effective . I resorted to giving Oreo Benadryl at night . This seemed to help a little , but it may have just been knocking him out , not helping his allergies . He still woke up at 4AM scratching . I 've started calling Oreo , " Sas - scratch - iwan " . After a week on the fish oil , the dogs ' coats were so shiny . I have never seen them looWritten by I 've been trying to give Oreo some more freedom , and time out of his crate when no one is home . Some days , he behaves like an angel . Some days , more like a devil . Before I go to work , I exercise Oreo and play some games . I shut all the bedroom doors , and limit him to the living room and kitchen , which I try to dog proof as much as possible . I leave him plenty of dog friendly toys , many stuffed with yummy food . He eats those , but unfortunately Oreo seems to enjoy chewing on wood and electrical cords . I have tried spraying the chew deterrents they sell in pet stores , such as bitter apple , on the furniture . Dogs are supposed to hate the taste . Unfortunately , Oreo likes the taste . I spray it , and he runs over to lick it all up . Yummy . I did some googling for help . The sites said to find something the dog doesn 't like and then apply that to the furniture . I know Oreo doesn 't like green beans , but how could I adhere beans to wood and cords ? Also , how would I keep Misty from eating the green beans - she likes them . So , I put some cayenne pepper on a piece of cheese to see if Oreo would like it . He lapped it right up and came back for more . I needed something hotter . I squirted some Tabasco sauce on the cheese . He sniffed it , licked it , looked at me in horror , and then backed away . Yes ! I found something he doesn 't like . Now , how to apply Tabasco sauce ? I couldn 't just pour it over everything in the living room . I resorted to mixing it with Vaseline and then spreading it on all the furniture he has been chewing on . This is really kind of icky , and dog fur sticks to it readily . The room now has a tex - mex aroma whenever you walk in . Too bad it 's Christmas time , rather than Cinqo de Maya . The day after I applied the vaseline , I came home from work , inspected all the furniture , and found no bite marks ! I lavished Oreo with praise and treats . Later as it began getting darker , I went to turn on the one living room light that hasn 't had its cord chewed through , and nothing . Oreo had chewed right through the cord . Jeff came home , and reWritten by Jeff came home from work the other day , stopped for a bit in the garage , and then came upstairs . The minute he stepped in the door , he said to me , " Don 't be alarmed when you go in the basement . " Oh no , I thought , another dead mouse . Seeing one of those can give me nightmares for months . Even if I don 't see it , just knowing Jeff put a carcass in the garbage can outside is enough to freak me out . The little critters dodge in when the garage door is open , and then can 't get out . We have every nook and cranny filled with insulation to keep them from coming in . Unfortunately , they can 't leave either . There are bite marks all over the seal on the bottom of the garage doors from them trying to gnaw their way out . Eventually they must conk out from starvation or dehydration . I asked Jeff warily , " Why would I be alarmed ? " Jeff says , " Oh , there 's another bike down there . " Doesn 't he realize that I would never have even noticed another bike , let alone be " alarmed " ? If he had only one bike , and then brought home another , I might notice . However , adding another to a collection makes it really easy to miss a newcomer . Hell , I came home from work the other day , parked my car in the garage , went upstairs and didn 't even notice that Jeff was in the garage himself ! He came upstairs an hour later wondering why I hadn 't stopped to say hello . Honestly , I am so used to watching where I 'm walking so I don 't knock a bike over , that I had no idea he was even there . Oreo is doing his snow dance , in hopes of a snow day tomorrow , which means more " mommy time " for Oreo . He 'll be wearing his pj 's inside out tonight . Written by We had a dusting of snow overnight . I heard the plows going by , and was anxious to let Oreo out to see his reaction . It would be his first encounter with snow as a " real dog " . I did bring him out in the snow when he was a baby , but I don 't think he remembers that . He was so scared of being outside ' everything was just too new . Now that Oreo has made the backyard his territory , I knew this would be a special moment . Usually , in the morning , Oreo runs right to his " pee spot " , goes , and then comes charging back in the house for breakfast . Today , I opened the back door , and Oreo peered out . He noticed the snow right away . He ran down the ramp and began circling the yard with his nose to the ground . He either couldn 't stand still long enough to pee , or forgot why he went out there in the first place . I think he has a little ADHD . Oreo ran over to poor Misty , who was trying to pee in privacy , and kept nudging her , as if to say " Look , there is cold , wet stuff all over the yard . " He did a few more circles , and finally realized his bladder was calling . He peed . Did some more circles , then stopped to pee some more . Finally , he came charging back in the house to tell me all about it . Can 't wait to see him when we get some real snow tomorrow ! |
" Fascinating " Stephen S . Hall . writer , N . Y . Times magazine . " Hard to put down . " A . C . P . A . , American Chronic Pain Association . A number of these questions cannot be answered the same way by those without pain vs those with chronic intractable pain . Many docs , psychologists , rehabilitationists and counselors use this test . See how you feel about it . For readers without pain I put the reasonings below the statements for which you had to choose True or False . " I wake up fresh and rested most mornings . I prefer to pass by school friends , or people I know but have not seen for a long time , unless they speak to me first . ( Many of us do not want to have to deal with the questions of ' what have you been doing . ' For me , I did not want to have to answer the additional questions , or deal with the pitying looks , about the facial paralysis . ) I wish I could be as happy as others seem to be . ( We are in pain . Most of us are unhappy about that , and what it has done to our lives . ) ( For me , it is hard to eat because of the paralysis and loss of sensation in my mouth . For others , opening their mouths is painful so eating is difficult . At home I can enjoy my food more and worry later about what has fallen out of my mouth . I sure cannot do that when eating out . ) Dr . Jannetta paralyzed my face . Dr . Wiulson said there was too much scar tissue from Dr . Jannetta 's surgery to do what he wanted . My 2 lawyers left me high and dry . ) . I believe that my home life is as pleasant as that of most people I know . ( Again the paralysis . Others with pain often tell stories of using the handicapped spots ( with the appropriate plate or placard ) and people yelling at them that they were not disabled and " How dare you park there ? - this also happened to me . Because pain is invisible we also get looked at critically by those who refuse to believe that we have pain or cannot do something that we say we cannot do because of the pain . ) ( What if the pain gets too bad ? What if I forgot / don 't have enough medication with me ? What if , for those with trigeminal neuralgia - this is definitely how it was with me , someone moves their arm , or takes off a coat , or it gets breezy triggering the pain more ? Too many what if 's . ) It turned out to be a longer list than I expected so I apologize for typos ; because " I can read a long without tiring my eyes . " - not . Or ending up in severe pain . The wind is getting a little stronger . I keep hearing the TV meteorologists , the governors and mayors , trying to scare me , maybe telling the truth , but it is easier to work at thinking it will be nothing like they are saying . The hurricane and tropical storm , winds and rains they are predicting for my area , will be nothing like their screeches - get inside , tape your windows , find a safe place - but instead just a whisper . I went through almost all my surgeries alone , being taken down to the OR by orderlies , no one there to take my hand or touch my shoulder and say " It will be allright . I 'm here for you now . I will be here when you wake up . " I was reading a novel and came to these lines : " You don 't need to protect me anymore Neil . " " Yes I do . I 'm always your older brother . I want to be there for you . " Everytime I read lines like these , ' I am your sister , I am your brother ' it is a knife to the heart . It is times like tonight , especially , when they keep talking about having a safe place to go , let your family know where you are , let them know you are safe , if you have no one go to a shelter , that the sharpness of the betrayal of family , that the turning away , for no reason , of the people that the world tells you to go to when there is trouble ( and I know way too many people are in my boat , the ' family ' nowhere near what the storybooks say ) when it is the most acute . For much of my days they are not there in my thoughts , they have disappeared , as they have in real life . It would be nice , I sometimes think , if I could call the sister , who once told me , " when I am just with you alone it is enjoyable " but somehow others ( one sister ) seemed to have made sure she turned away . The brother and I have much in common . He is creative , an artist ( or was at least ) . His hurting of me has been the worst because he has done it to me publicly . He invited me , I do not know why , to his son 's bar mitzvah . He called me while I was in the hospital . The date would be only a few days after I had major surgery . I told him that I was not sure I could come because of that . I was told that if I did not come it just showed what kind of person I was because he was extending himself to me and I was refusing . What could I do ? Not one person asked " Are you okay ? " How are you feeling ? " or even " How did the operation go ? " I spent the visit pretending I felt well . The surgery was not at the base of my pain though . It was when I was at the synagogue and the little pamphlets were being given out that told about the Bar Mitzvah boy and the service . On the front was a thank you " to all our family " on my brother 's side . Everyone 's name was there . But mine . The hurt was physical . My nephew did call me up , with the rest of the family , to help cut the cake . That helped salve it some . I was not completely publicly cut out . When my father was dying he hired people that were nurse 's aides and not well trained . I saw some of them , one in particular , treat him cruelly . My 2 sisters who were often at the house protected them when I pointed out something horribly mean - like the time one aide sat there as my father , who had ALS and could move only one finger , kept asking for mushroom soup . He asked , then fell asleep for 2 or 3 minutes . Then he would wake " I want some mushroom soup " and fall asleep . The aide just sat there . My father kept repeating this request , maybe 5 times . I realized she was not going to bother so I said I would get it . I walked into the kitchen . To my surprise there was mushroom soup sitting in a pot on the stove . It made no sense that she would not have said , " It 's heating up , I 'll go get it for you . " The man wanted his soup . She had made it . What kind of game was she playing ? I brought the bowl into the room . " Give that to me , I will feed it to him . " she demanded . Then she sat the bowl down on her lap , not feeding him . Finally she said , " I need ( something , I no longer recall what ) from the other room . Go get it for me ? " she said to me . As soon as I left the room I glanced back towards where he was sitting . Now that I was gone she was feeding him the soup . She would not do it while I was in the room . I had no idea why . I told my sisters . " Then do not stay in the room . " they replied . They did not care that she was doing something hurtful to him . More important that I be hurt and left out . My brother came up from Florida for a visit . We were standing in my mother 's room . I told him what had happened ; that the aides were being downright awful to him and that I was also being treated horribly by my sisters . I started crying . I reached out to him . He let me ' hug ' him for maybe 2 seconds then pushed me away . " Let them do what they want and you stay away . " The wedding was over and we were in the reception hall . He came over to me . " There is someone you have to meet . " he said , almost pulling me along with him . The woman looked at him curiously . She shook her head . She did not know who I was . I was embarrassed . I assumed it was someone I should know . He continued to look at me , almost gleefully . " Are you sure you don 't know who this is ? " I was completely stumped . " I 'm sorry . I don 't know you , I 'm afraid . " " This is my half sister ( ) . " I was dumbfounded . None of the 3 of my siblings ( half siblings ) had ever had a relationship with their father or his family . What was she doing here ? " Well , if you say you can 't work at least you could volunteer somewhere ! " . One of my sisters said this to me . It was a continuation of her disbelief about the level of pain / if I really had pain . She said this after , I forget , number 3 - 6 of my brain surgeries , done to try and stop the pain . The irony is I got a job 6 weeks after the first surgery worked but never heard a " good for you . " " Way to go . " etc . ( Or a ' sorry ' when the pain came back 3 months later . ) I am reading an article from Psych central , an online site . * The writer , a psychologist who does not have chronic pain , states : " If employment is not possible because of the level of disability , then volunteer work is suggested . " What ? Why would we be able to do the one when we cannot do the other ? She continues , " chronic pain can be managed . Management usually means that people live with some degree of pain . " She is unaware that for many of us ' some degree of pain ' is a gigantic and debilitating degree of pain . If we could do volunteer work we , most probably , can get a paid position . I think , almost constantly , what can I do in the context of my pain ; and if not a paid job then maybe I can do a volunteer one ? , but the reason I cannot volunteer is the same as the reason why I cannot get a paid job . I have pain that is disabling . My father once said to me " I have seen you read , so I know you can read . " I explained to him , repeatedly , that I can read , and write , but only for 15 - 20 minutes before the pain becomes so bad it nauseates me . He does not want to hear or believe it . This is , I think , somewhat the author 's reasoning . " Medications are one option , " , she writes , " but it is a common misconception that medications cure chronic pain " I do not know who has this misconception , it is not those of us with CIP ( chronic intractable pain ) . " Most medications for pain dull uncomfortable sensations . . . " We look , hope , and dream of a cure ; but we also know that the medications we receive , often opiates , may ' dull ' the pain - if we are lucky . They also make us feel awful , cloudy of thought , tired , and slowed in thought and movement : neither fun nor sensations to be wished . And how do you work when you feel like this , even forgetting the addition of the pain ? The last time I was there there was a codeine prescription still available for refill . I also had a new 6 month script from my doc . I asked the technician to put it on file , as they always have done . I returned in a month and went to the counter . " I 'd like to have the codeine refilled ( along with 2 other non narcotic prescriptions . ) " The woman could not find them in her computer . " It was put in the file . " " Okay , no problem . Let me check . " She picked up a rolodex type file and thumbed through it . " No . I 'm sorry , nothing here . " I was becoming anxious . I knew they had it . I had never lost a script or needed a replacement - for any reason - ever . In addition , I had just left my pain doc , ( on very good terms ) , because all he could do for me was write for the codeine ( and an anticonvulsant , taken for the pain ) . He felt my family doc could do it just as easily plus the family doc was 10 minutes away . My pain doc was an hour away . I knew he would have no problem if another script had to be written but I felt uncomfortable with that because I had just ended the relationship . I could not ask my family doc to do it , he had just agreed to start writing for it . This would look . . . bad . I knew I had done nothing wrong . I knew they had it on file . I waited while she looked again , no luck . I waited , my nerves on end . Was I going to be considered a druggie , someone just trying to get over on the system by getting a second script ? Was I selling it , was I taking too many ? No . None of those . " Oh I 'm sorry . Here it is . " In a second I went from feeling like I was going to get caught doing something wrong , even though I knew I had not , to feeling free again . My friend just told me a similar story ; only in hers the pharmacist yelled at her so the whole store could hear . " You are 2 days early ! These are narcotics . You cannot have them yet . You have done this before , In March ( 5 months ago ) you got them 2 days early and in another month you got them one day early . " " Please call the doctor then if you have a problem with the prescription . " " No . " he barked at her , " the doctor does not decide these things . I do . " As she was leaving he yelled after her " You can always try to get them at another drug store . " She left the store feeling humiliated , embarrassed , and ( falsely ) accused . She called me , very upset . " What did people think when he was yelling this at me ? They must have thought I was trying to pull one over , maybe even doing something illegal , at the least being a ' druggie ' . " She was devastated . And what was her crime ? Trying to get her prescription filled , something almost everyone does at one time or another - without hassle or repercussion . Why then can 't we be treated the same as the one who gets insulin or heart medication ? What is our crime ? Nothing , other than trying to get the medication that helps get us through the minute , the hour , the day . " You are so brave . " someone says , a stranger or even a friend or loved one as they learn what you have or are going through . Are you brave because you fight the pain ? Is your ' courage ' in the struggle to get through each day or in going through procedure and treatment after procedure and treatmant ? I read what so many have to say about their experience of living with chronic pain . From many of them , from their stories , I think the bravery is in saying " I can 't " , " today the pain is bad . " " I will try despite the pain . " Sometimes it takes courage to say the truth . I know that I am not the only person with pain who has been ridiculed and criticized for saying " I can 't " One sister said to me " I don 't understand why you don 't volunteer at least . " If I could do volunteer work , I could do paid work . And I want to do paid work . It would give me a place to go , people to see , things to do . And a paycheck . It would give me a sense of purpose . Actually I do volunteer . Once every 2 - 3 weeks I take food to an elderly woman . Although I am only required to leave the food and leave , I stay for an hour or so . We share confidences . We have a relationship , even when she introduces me to people as " the lady who brings me food . " I love doing it , and yet I often cringe when I know today is the day . It is just picking up meals at a church and schmoozing . How bad is that ? Sometimes pretty bad . I use my eyes to pick out the foods I want to take her . Then I use my eyes when I talk with her , especially because sometimes she is a handtalker . The movement of the hands sets off the eyepain . Sitting with her is usually a codeine time . One lady , one hour , one codeine . I do not tell her : I tell no one that this is hard for me . Sitting with someone and talking . Ah , come on . . . Who would believe it ? Often even I do not believe it . Am I brave because I do it ? Am I brave because the fight continues minute by minute , hour by hour , day by day ? Am I brave because I stay home knowing that a simple trip just to the store , using my eyes to look at the items , will cause the pain ? Often I see it as a coward 's act . Just bite the bullet , for crying out loud . It is a trip to the store or to see Angie , or to go to church or sing in the choir . Your life is so empty and lonely only because of your fear . Everything is colored by the worry . What if ( whatever I try to do ) makes the pain so bad I have to be overdosed , in pain and narcotic headed ? I think about trying to volunteer , something like being a ' pink lady ' in a hospital . I used to be a candystripper , a gazillion years ago , way before the pain . This would be taking water or flowers to patient rooms . That means reading , looking for the room number , talking to the patient . Could I do that ? Would they let me work for only an hour ? And would I be even more discouraged if I found out something even that simple was beyond me ? I woke up this morning obsessing after falling asleep to the same thoughts . Going through my email this morning I found 2 emails sent to me by the admiinistrator of this Ben 's friends group , Living with TN . I read them , and responded . What she wrote so upset me that I am still shaking . The posting today is my sounding board and catharsis ( I hope . ) . She told me they had " unearthed " my blog . They , she and ' other administrators , although only one other named in one of the emails she sent ) had decided that my mention of it was an ' advert ' for the book . I assume this was her basis for the ' spamming ' complaint . The only problem was they obviously never bothered to look further to see that the blog name is not the same as the book and this blog has nothing to do with the book . She had no basis for the ' harassment " . Instead she wrote me an email - to my personal address - her fourth , to tell me if I replied it would be considered ' harassment ' since I had already sent 3 emails ( I could only find 2 ) to the administrators of the site . All were in direct reply to her email but she wanted to find an excuse after the fact for the " permanent " suspension . ( She put permanent in her email . The site notification merely said ' suspended " . ) Once again , and I did write a short post earlier when this first happened , it appears it has to do with the book . Want to know what it is like to live with this pain , day after day , and to fight this pain , day after day ? My book does that . The author of the article is a researcher of research . Interestingly Stef , the administrator who wrote me , did 2 things : she defended the author of the article in her email for some unknown reason and said part of their agenda was to erase the idea that atypical facial pain is not psychosomatic ; but a large portion of the article seemed to indicate to the reader unfamiliar , and familiar , with the pain , that this is a psychosomtic disorder and not physical . It is bad enough that I have to live the pained life . It is bad enough that I have to fight the pain every day , like so many of us . Support sites should be support sites for the members not for an agenda . Stef indicated she had not read the book or checked out the excerpt . This is not a book on how much fun it is to live like this . I lay bare the most intimate parts of my life so the reader can feel the pain we go through living like this . " Red " , the researcher of the research and author of the article had mentioned in one of his posts at the site that he was not looking for ' self - aggrandizement ' . It appeared to be pointed at me . If I wanted to self - aggrandize the book would not read the way it does . I would have made myself the hero . Stef told me I could not have the diagnoses I do : trigeminal , atypical trigeminal neuralgia , and facial pain . " You cannot have all three . " She ascknowledged she is not a doctor , I do not even know if she is a medical person , but I informed her those were my diagnoses by neurologists , etc . It was telling she never replied to that information . I am tired of people lying about me . Ben 's friends is no friend of mine when they work to add to my pain rather than try , through the support they purport to offer , to help diminish it . There was a bat in my bedroom the other night . I ran out of the room slamming the door behind me . I stood outside trying to figure out what to do . I silently opened the door a smidgen to check and make sure I had seen what I thought I saw . I had . What am I going to do ! I noticed one of my cats was kind of looking up at a curtain . I snuck a peek and saw the bat . SWACK ! I swung and hit it . It fell onto my bed . THAWCK ! I banged down the weight of the broom hard onto the back of the bat . It moved then fell onto the floor . WHACK ! I hit it once . I hit it twice . It had to be dead . I looked down and it was gone . I upturned the mattress and then overturned the boxspring . It was nowhere to be found . On the slight chance it had been somehow able to maneuver itself around for a while ( But how could it ? I must have killed it ! ) I moved the bureau very slightly away from the wall . And saw the movement of a wing . BANG ! I pushed the bureau back hard against the wall . It had to have been squished ( Eeeeew . ) but I was not going to chance it . I would wait until tomorrow . Wait , there 's a can of bugspray right on top of the bureau . I must have at least hurt it . I hated the darn thing but did want it to suffer . I know , " I 'll poison it too " I announced to the room . And then , just for good measure I got some baking soda . If I throw that at it , if I did not kill it with the broom and the poison does not do the job , then the poor thing will asphyxiate . One way or the other this bat was a dead duck . I slept on the sofa downstairs the idea of the bat just too . . . . ick . The next morning I tried to get myself together enough to get it out from behind the bureau and into the trash . I was standing in front of the bureau with the broom and a long handled dustpan . I was ready . And then I couldn 't . I just couldn 't ! " Oh my G - d ! " I screamed into the phone and threw down the entire phone , ran out of the room and slammed the door behind me . Once I gathered my wits I called my friend back and explained what had happened . Either it was the same bat or worse still , it was another one ! She suggested I call the police and they actually came . That officer was no more a fan of bats than was I but he bravely looked for it . And could not find it . Kindly he offered to come back if I saw it again . The next morning I called an animal control company . He came to the house and after spending almost 25 minutes in the den came downstairs holding up a black plastic garbage bag . " Got it . " he said proudly . " Is it alive ? " I asked , my disgust quotient almost off the yecch meter . " Oh yes . " Man . What did it take to kill these things ? I had just heard they were on the verge of extinction but when it is in your house suddenly the ecosystem becomes a lot less important . It occurred to me that this is a lot like dealing with pain . You can throw everything possible at it and it is still there . You can be worried about what the treatments are doing to your body , your personal ecosystem , but not be able to give up . I had added it myself and it was removed by Wiki , I think because they decided it was self - promotion , despite it 's relation to the subject . That was fine ; however someone else then linked it only to find that the link had again been removed . This was after I had mentioned to the article 's author that I thought the book would be a good adjunct to the article . Did he remove the link ? I think he is able to do that but I have no way to know . Did he have me removed from the group ? This suspicion has a better grounding for that possibility . The pen is mightier than the sword . He killed my life and my looks with his sword . I did not think , in fact I know , my pen is not equally powerful . On Monday morning , January 16 , 1995 , I spoke with Mike . " I do not accept the settlement . " I told him what Bob did , how he essentially forced me to take it . " Carol , you said " Yes " . You have to take it . " " That 's not right . I was literally forced to the point where I had to give in . Mike , I was crying by the end of the last call . He had to know my agreement wasn 't voluntary . He forced me . " " Well , it 's too late now to take it back . " On Tuesday morning I received a letter from Bob . A release prepared by opposing counsel was included in the envelope . Neither side wanted to waste any time . " Please review . . . and , if it meets with your approval , please execute and return . . . " Of course it did not meet with my approval . I spoke with Bob on the 19th , " The release does not meet with my approval . I do not authorize settlement . " I had now said it 2x . I talked with Mike on the 20th . I " instructed " him ( as per his letter to me ) " that there was no settlement . " He asked me to give him a call so we could discuss it further . My aloneness , again , was all that could inform me . I had to rely on them . He , and Bob , were the lawyers . They tell me I must take the settlement . Then what choice do I have ? I cannot deal with getting another lawyer to fight these lawyers . All my reservoirs of energy and fight were depleted . " Mike , you say I have to accept it . I don 't and you don 't accept it and Bob doesn 't accept it when I tell you that . I guess I have no choice . Send me the paperwork . " The settlement was bupkis but at least it was over . Dr . Jannetta essentially got away with it . The CAT or catastrophic medical malpractice fund , run by the state , paid almost half and his insurance paid all or almost all of the rest . I often think it would have been better had he been required to look me in the eye and take a dollar bill out of his pocket to hand me directly . My case was in the courts for 14 years , proof of perjury , and more , and suddenly it ended with the forced settlement . The timing seemed fortuitous . Had the case not ended it would have been impolitic to name someone whose testimony the court called perjurious . I wrote the governor and all 50 senators . No one cared . The goveror 's aide waited almost 3 months to reply , by which time the confirmation was a done deal . He wrote , in part , " the consistent information we received from peers , patients , the community . . . is that Dr . Jannetta possesses the highest integrity ad attributes of sound character and professional reputation . " That would not have been so had my lawsuit still been active . I went to the attorney general 's office . I had to fight to speak with one of the lawyers . He looked at the Pa . Superior court 's decision : " We have little difficulty in concluding that Dr . Jannetta 's testimony at deposition was different than , or inconsistent with , the testimony at trial . " Levy v Jannetta , CCP Allegheny County , GD 81 - 7689 ; appeal - J . A370017 / 92 . Levy v Jannetta et al , No . 00150 Pittsburgh , 1992 . settled , 1995 . " It made no difference . " There is no case here . " he said . It never dawned on me this AG was a Ridge appointee . Of course he would not take action . I went to fee dispute . It was Mike , Bob , myself and 3 attorneys who would be hearing my complaint , and their defense . One attorney , in particular , made it clear he was on their side , treating me as though he was the lawyer for Fishbein and Unterberger . It was an awful experience . The result was , and was not , what I expected . To my mind , since they did almost no work , they did not deserve more than $ 10 , 000 , 1 / 6th or so of their fee . I knew that would not happen . The decision was for an additional $ 10 , 000 , for me . They found in my favor but the written decision read " We find for the attorney " . So Fishbein and Unterberger were in the clear along with Jannetta . I had 2 years in which to sue for legal malpractice . I talked to one attorney who was not interested : too much work because you have to prove you would have won the underlying medical malpractice case as well as prove the legal malpractice . I called another office . The lawyer with whom I spoke felt I most definitely had a case . He wanted to discuss it with another lawyer in the firm . He called me back a few minutes later , anger in his voice . " Did you know Mr . Cantor , one of the partners , is one of the lawyers who heard your fee dispute case ? What kind of game are you playing ? " " No I didn 't . The bar association gave me your number , but no name , when I asked for a recommendation . " His voice softened . " All right then . But , obviously we cannot help you . " The physical pain of the trigeminal neuralgia as well as the emotional pain from all that had gone before made it too hard for me to call any others . Besides , Mike did not seem like a very happy man . He lost his " zest " and complained to me about his kids and family life ( he has denied this ) . Maybe that was enough ; I did not need to add to his misery . And then I heard that Mike Fishbein had won a $ 58 million fee for himself and his lawfirm as one of the main lawyers in the case . So much for not having zest . This case was settled in 2000 . It was ongoing during the time he had my case . The lawyer who came out to speak with me at first said there was no case . As he read through the paperwork he started shaking his head and murmuring . He finished reading and handed the papers back to me . So everybody got away with it but me . I continued to pay when the trigeminal neuralgia association refused to let their membership know about my book , because my experience with Dr . Janetta was included . My inability to write on their Facebook wall was what started me telling you this story , a story I have not told publicly before . Ultimately I was allowed to write on their wall so I mentioned my book there . And here ? Here I tell you about Peter Jannetta , Mike Fishbein , Robert Unterberger , Governor Ridge . . . and me . ( I saw Dr . Janetta at a trigeminal neuralgia association conference about 3 - 4 years ago . I went up to him . " Dr . Jannetta , I wanted to let you know I have had a browlift , 4 facelifts , some of the side of my mouth removed , repeated tarsorrharphies . . . " He interrupted me . Not with words , but with action . He picked up the newspaper from the chair next to him and began reading it . I was worried about going to Pittsburgh . I felt Bob was totally unprepared for trial , having prepped no one , having gotten the wrong specialist . Was he going to lose my case because he had not done his homework ? Would Dr . Jannetta still end up getting away with what he did ? Bob 's first call to me was to say " Don 't come up now . " His second call raised my hopes . " Carol , I have an offer from the other side . " My heart leapt . My stomach clutched . I was ready to feel elated . After all , without an attorney , a judge had said the case was worth $ 250 , 000 to $ 350 , 000 . This was my lawyer speaking . He would know how to get what it was worth . " They have offered $ 250 , 000 . I think you should consider taking it . " " Bob , No . That is not what this case is worth . You know what he did to me . We have his perjured testimony and the other proof . No . I will not accept that . " " Okay , you should think about it , but I 'll go back and see what I can do . " My body shook with anger . My face was paralyzed , my eye sewn shut , maybe permanently , surgeons could not do what they wanted because of the scarring left from the Jannetta procedure . $ 250 , 000 ? No . It was not enough to make up for what he did , to punish him ( punitive damages , not revenge ) , to cover my lifetime medical costs because of his negligence , malpractice , and lie . He called again . I am not allowed to tell you the amount , by settlement contract . Each time he went lower . " They are offering ( $ - - - - - - ) . " You 're supposed to be going up Bob , not down ! " Once again he said " Ok . I 'll talk to them and call you back . " I stood by the phone , trembling . There was no one to call for help . The pain had taken my chance at living a real life , working and making friends . There was no family . I was by myself . The pain and the narcotics did not help in my being able to fight for myself . And Bob , I think , knew that . " We have a new offer of $ ( - - - - - - ) ( lower still ) . " I fought the tears . " If I refused the $ 250 , 000 why would you even think I would take this ? Why are you not fighting for me ? " " Carol , this is their offer . Think about it . " He hung up . I was thinking about it . He was not ready for trial . ( Mike Fishbein would later write in a letter to me that Bob would be doing all the expert prep ( including me ) while the trial was ongoing ( We would be in Court , how could he be outside talking to the witness at the same time ? ) or he , Mike , would come up to do some of it . Neither ever mentioned that to me . ) The next call was a reminder to think about the offer " Have you changed your mind ? " . " I already told you you were supposed to be going up . I am not going to take a lower number . The $ 250 , 000 was offensive enough . " " Well the offer is now at $ ( - - - - - - ) . Obviously you don 't want to say ' Yes ' to that . I 'll call you back . " Call number 6 was even lower . " Carol , we have an offer of $ ( - - - - - - ) . " I could not figure out what he was doing . He was not ready for trial . Evidently any offer was okay to him . After all this would be the least amount of work for a 33 1 / 3 % payoff regardless of how I fared . Call number 7 had me at my wit 's end . " Carol , they will not go above the $ ( - - - - - - ) . " I was crying , sobbing into the phone . " You were supposed to work for me . This is not what was supposed to happen . I don 't care what you do . Just get rid of this . Take it . " I said weeping copiously , my words barely intelligible . I begged " Please , just stop it , now . " I meant he should stop his behavior , his calling and browbeating me . " Ok . I 'll tell them we accept . " " I don 't care . Just get this over with ! " That is an overstatement . They found an expert , right specialty , wrong subspecialty . We needed a neurosurgeon with an adult practice who was very familiar with the MVD . Instead they found a pediatric neurosurgeon . He could not comment on adult practices . It was not his specialty . Nor was trigeminal neuralgia . It was hard to find a neurosurgeon willing to testify against Dr . Jannetta , or testify , period . At trial I used the best Jannetta Procedure expert there was : Dr . Jannetta . Who better to know the surgery and , as the defendant as well , he would not cost us a cent . But this was not whom they thought to engage as our expert . A facial nerve specialist and an ophthalmologist , at the least , were important to the case . Mike did not bother with the former . He asked me to see if my ophthalmologist would testify . Dr . ( ) agreed to , about the eye damages as well as the lifelong complications and risks . The other effects of the paralysis was left with no one to speak about them . No depositions or interrogatories were sent out by either of my lawyers . The only expert they had me see was a vocational counselor . His report would state whether I could work and at what . It went to the issue of damages but in the scheme of things was the least important report we needed . The trial was scheduled but nothing was happening . I waited , thinking a lawyer of Mike 's caliber was getting all his ducks in a row . Two months before we were to go to court , my worry mounting , I met with him . " You 're not acting as my advocate . " He looked at me without any visible concern - about me or the case . " I have been doing this for 20 years and after all that time you lose your zest for it . " * I did not know what to do or think . The Judge was not going to give us a continuance . I already knew how he felt about me and the case . It was the week before trial . Bob called me . " Trial starts next Monday . I 'm picking the jury Friday afternoon . You can come up to Pittsburgh on Friday . " " Carol , you don 't need to come up here this weekend . I won 't need you until the trail starts so you can wait until late Sunday to come up . " Late Sunday ? Then when was he going to prepare me to testify ? He called me Friday evening to tell the jury had been picked . That was good . It was the rest of what transpired in that call and the additional 6 others , over a 2 1 / 2 hour period , that had me in a tizzy and sobbing into the phone . * He has denied saying that . Feeling dejected and angry I went over to the clerk 's office to request copies of the transcript . I watched tons of Law and Order . Each time a guilty defendant won there was nothing the state could do . This was the end of it . And Jannetta had won . " Oh , No . I can 't appeal . I lost the case . " She looked at me in surprise . " You absolutely have the right of appeal . " It took most of my self - control not to squeal in relief and hope . I scooped up the necessary forms she held out to me delighting in the knowledge maybe all was not lost . " We 'll probably be seeing each other again . I just filed for an appeal . " His face fell . " Oh . " " Yes . " , I said . " I did not even know I could do that until the clerk mentioned it . " " I sure wish she hadn 't told you about that . " he replied somewhat under his breath . Pro Se in this case had been enough for me . I had to get an attorney for the appeal . Armed with the perjurious testimony as well as the illustrations Drs . Jannetta and Gendell had drawn at their depositions , which did not jibe with each other , and other proof of malpractice and negligence , I assumed I would have no problem finding a lawyer . Mike Fishbein and I had not known each other well or hung out in the same groups but I remembered him as a person of integrity and decency . That was what I wanted in a lawyer . Aggression would be good too , but the others mattered because it meant they would honor their commitment to me , the case , and the law . Mike and I met for about a half an hour . A few days later he advised me he would accept the case . The cost would be in the form of a contingency agreement , 66 1 / 3 % for me and 33 1 / 3 % for him . At our second meeting he introduced me to Robert Unterberger , an associate . Although the contract was between Mike and I Mike told me that Bob would be doing most of the work . I agreed , mainly because at the end of the day Mike was still the one in charge of the case . It was his word , his signature , his promise to me via the contract , on which I would rely . He told me that I should write up the first layer of appeal . It went to the Judge who had non suited the case . " Carol , This will automatically be denied . " And it was . The issue for 1 of the 3 appellate judges reviewing the case was that I had not entered the deposition in the proper form as evidence . Dr . Jannetta read from the deposition but I was supposed to have entered the deposition transcript as evidence . The stenographer twice reminded me to do so but my nerves got the best of me and I had forgotten to do it . " Ms . Levy . You must find an attorney . " " Your Honor , I have tried to find someone to take the case . I am unable to do so . " " Then try and settle it . I think without a lawyer the case is worth $ 250 , 000 - $ 300 , 000 . If you had an attorney it would be different . " " I don 't care what he did . Trial starts next week . " Mr . Olszewski spoke up . " Your Honor , we have the continuance and we are fine with that . " " I don 't care . You do not have a continuance . Levy v . Jannetta , et al . begins next week . " First thing was to pick the jury . One by one potential jurors were called to a table where both of us asked them questions . Once all had been queried we went outside to fill out a paper checking off which ones we wanted and which we did not . It was interesting that we both knocked off ones the other wanted . I was surprised it was that easy . Maybe this lawyering would not be so bad . Dr . Jannetta set the stage with his testimony at the two depositions . " Major and common complication " My testimony was the opposite . He not only never told me that facial paralysis was a risk , he had denied there could be any possibility of disfigurement . Dr . Gendell had said the same thing in the hospital and acknowledged it in his deposition . " Mr , Olszewski , will Dr . Gendell testify at trial as he had at deposition ; that he did not know facial paralysis was a risk and he told me it was not ? " " Absolutely . " " Then I 'm dropping him from the suit . " Dr . Gendell had been named as a defendant as had the hospital . In my pain , and my concern most about Dr . Jannetta being called to account , I had let the case against the hospital slip away , not having done any prep on it . I felt that Dr . Gendell , by his honesty , did not deserve to remain a defendant . Before the trial started the judge called us into chambers . He gave me a little speech about going Pro Se and how hard that is to do . He told me he could not give me extra help . I expected that . I did not expect he would try and hurt my case . I had a sheaf of papers in my hand . My hands , voice and body started shaking as soon as I began reading my statement to the jurors . I looked up every once in a while . It was obvious they were not paying attention . I knew the case . I should not need my cheat sheets . I stopped reading to them and looked at them directly . Their attention perked . I finished up and sat down at the plaintiff 's table feeling I had made my points . I called myself to the stand and told my story . Then Mr . Olszewski stood before me . One by one he named every surgeon who had operated on me before and after the Jannetta surgery and asked what each had told me about the risks of their procedures . I replied for each that it was not the same kind of surgery so the risks were not the same , and none had named risk of facial paralysis . These questions were objectionable , irrelevant and improper . I was so nervous I did not think to object . The Judge never interrupted my testimony or indicated the questions were out of line . I finished and then called Dr . Jannetta to the stand . He took the oath to tell the truth then sat in the witness chair , legs crossed , complacency apparent in his every movement and intonation . I took him through the hospitalization , what had he done , what had happened and then asked the biggie . " Dr . Jannetta , is facial paralysis a known risk of the MVD , or Jannetta Procedure that you perfromed on me ? " I was prepared to go after him for his lie at deposition . " It is an unknown complication . How could I have told you about something that was unknown ? " I was not prepared for a new lie . I showed him his deposition . " Dr . Jannetta , please read your testimony highlighted here . " He looked at it with little interest . " Facial paralysis is a major and common complication of the MVD of which I invariably inform my patients . " " Dr . Jannetta , which is true , what you just read from the deposition or the testimony you just gave , that it was an ' unknown ' complication . " " You can 't ask him that ! " the Judge practically shouted , cutting him off before he might answer . Had it been an improper question it was up to Mr . Olszewski to object . The Judge was not supposed to do his job for him . He gave me no opportunity to re - ask the question . Instead he adjourned for lunch . Throughout the lunchbreak I thought about what I could do . I never thought Dr . Jannetta would change his testimony . The only explanation was that his attorney had told him what I had said about Dr . Gendell testifying about paralysis being unknown to him as a risk . Dr . Jannetta arranged his testimony to jibe with the resident 's . Did his lawyer tell him to do so ? That I do not know . If he had it would be a crime . It was a crime to commit perjury and it was a crime to persuade another to testify perjuriously . The fact was I had presented testimony that I was not told about the risk and Dr . Jannetta testified , at least in shown deposition , that he had told me . That made it a question for the jury . Even though I presented nothing of the rest of my case for negligence and malpractice the groundwork was set for the jury to decide who was telling the truth . It was to my benefit the Judge wanted me out of there . " Mr . Olszewski , your request is granted . This case is non suited . " And with that it was over . All hope was lost . Or so I thought . I think it was also something for the psych residents to do . Maybe , too , they learned something about pain . They came to the same foretold conclusion . Whatever neuroses I might have , they had nothing to do with the pain . " Dr . Gendell " , I asked , " Was it your idea to give me the Sustacal ? " " Yes . " " Did it make any sense to do that ? " " No . " Then we got to the nitty gritty . I asked him about the risks of the procedure . " Did you tell me or my parents that my face could be injured ? " " No . Facial paralysis was not a complication of which I was aware . " * He stayed until all my questions had been answered . The next big step was when we would meet again in court . Kate Lecky , the original lawyer , had not talked with any of the hospital personnel . When I did , even though it was now a few years later , there was no hesitation . " I remember you but I will be fired if I testify . I am very sorry . " She had contacted a few neurosurgeons . Either the answer was " Dr . Jannetta is a friend of mine . " or " I cannot testify against someone of Dr . Jannetta 's stature . " The only recourse I had was to make Dr . Jannetta my expert witness against himself . I expected him to tell the same lie about the risks as he had at the two depositions . I was much more prepared to pursue that part of the case . Dr . Gendell had been honest in his deposition . He admitted to someting that he did not have to admit to ( the Sustacal silliness ) and he acknowledged he told me that facial paralysis was not a risk . Dr . Jannetta was his teacher . The only way he would not know it was a risk was if Dr . Jannetta had not taught him it was . He said he operated on me . He described what was found on operation . I asked " What were the risks of MVD or ' Jannetta Procedure ' of which you advised me before the operation ? " He replied immediately , " Facial paralysis is a major and common complication of which I invariable inform my patients . " It was hard for me to keep a straight face . That was not what he told me , or my mother , or my father . That was not what his resident told me when he was asked . We had been at this for about 1 - 1 1 / 2 hours . I started to ask a follow up question when Dr . Jannetta stood up . He looked at his watch and announced " It 's 3 : 30 . I have to leave . " I was astounded . There had been no set time parameters . This was an official legal proceeding . The subject of it was not the one who determined when it would end . " Dr . Jannetta , I am not finished . " " I 'm leaving now . " The last sentence in the official stenographic transcript was the voice of Dr . Jannetta 's lawyer . I would have preferred had he stayed . I did not have much more to ask . It would have been over and done , and he would not have been required to come back and sit for a second deposition . Forget the claims of malpractice and negligence . The stage was set . The jury , the triers of fact , would be the ones to decide ; who is telling the truth ? The next deposition , with his resident , would help illuminate the answer . I know some people believe these sayings are helpful : Get over it and move on . Good things come to those who wait . When life gives you lemon . . . |
Ruth passed away peacefully this morning at 4 : 30 . Thank you for your thoughts and prayers . Jennifer will send out a notice with the date and time of Ruth 's memorial . and the devastating but obscure Peshtigo Fire . The fire in Chicago destroyed just over 3 square miles of the city . The Peshtigo Fire consumed an estimated 1 . 5 million acres or 2 , 400 square miles in northeastern Wisconsin and Upper Michigan . Thousands of men , women and children perished . The town of Peshtigo , Wisconsin - home to 1 , 700 - disappeared in the flames . No other fire in United States history has cost so many lives . To purchase go to CreateSpace eStore : I 'm not sure what she 's talking about . And I was in a hurry . I thought about the PBS series I had enjoyed watching , an I got an email recently from a friend . He wanted me to know his father had died . It was a blessing really , for his father had been ill a long time and his mind had been " iffy " for even longer . My friend said he hardly knew his father , had never been close , but he was sad and shocked at his depth of grief . My mother never got along with her mother . Throughout my childhood I knew that when mother got a letter from grandma , it meant several teary days . And yet , when grandma died , my mother grieved . When my father died I felt suddenly naked in the world , as if some protection I 'd hardly known was there had disappeared . When my mother died I was surprised at my reaction . I 'd always been her mother , her confidant , her support , and yet at her death I felt like an orphan . I 'm not surprised . My friend 's FATHER had died . My mother 's MOTHER had died . We live with more icons than we realize , those figures Jung wrote about . They seem to draw from history , from all the civilizations throughout time . Primal figures . Mother . Father . Regardless of what they were in living form , they were representative of the great iconic MOTHER and FATHER . Those images we hold as our nurturer and protector . What strange creatures , we humans are . But how lovely that we are - human , for it certainly keeps life interesting . My father 's father , ( Ludvig ) , was a Lutheran minister with country parishes in South Dakota . He 'd immigrated from Hamar , Norway at age eighteen , as he wanted to be a minister . That wouldn 't have been a possibility in Norway for some reason I never figured out . The story of his arrival and early years here are inspiring , but that 's not where I 'm heading with this today . Grandpa was also head of the local School Board in their county and responsible for the hiring and firing of teachers and he took this job seriously . He seemed to feel the need to be a leader in their community ; owned the first automobile in the county . Was on all kinds of boards and committees . They owned a farm and Grandpa kept his boys busy . I think he took everything rather seriously . ( Daddy thought so too . ) Most of the teachers were young ; many were recent high school graduates with little or no experience . South Dakota was not exactly an easy place to be living in those days . The family farm near Webster , South Dakota on a winter 's day 1896 . Parents took turns boarding the teachers in their homes , a month at a time . When Daddy was six years old and a first - grader , the teacher in their one - room school was a very pretty young woman . Daddy said he looked forward with a combination of excitement and dread for the time when his family was to board her . She would share the attic bedroom where Daddy slept . She 'd be nearby , but she 'd see him in his nightdress , a source of great embarrassment for him . I 'm sure with Grandpa hiring the teachers , they all spoke Norwegian , for this was what Daddy called " Scandahoovian country . " English was spoken along with Norwegian in Daddy 's home for my Grandmother ( Laura ) had been here since age one and was fluent in both languages . Grandpa never got rid of his strong Norwegian accent . I don 't think he really tried , as he was proud of his heritage . I loved hearing him sing in Norwegian , and Daddy said he chanted the church liturgy as he had a nice singing voice . Farmers were responsible for their children 's schooling and all donated materials and built a one - room schoolhouse . It had a pot - bellied stove and they supplied the wood for heat , as the winters were bitterly cold . The teacher had to come early to get the fire going and warm the building . Children not only had to be sure they did their schoolwork . They had to see that the schoolhouse was taken care of , cleaned and supplied with wood for heat . There was no janitor , no cleaning services . I 'm sure they used slates for writing , as paper was probably " dear " and pens and ink as well . I wonder what books they used as early readers were not available in those days . I do know that when Daddy started first grade he was reading books from his parents ' library . Said he was working on The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire . My grandparents bought the inexpensive library versions of the books and I have several on my bookshelves , all obviously have been heavily used . I love those old books . But back to my story . Grandmother made sure all of her children learned to read before they entered their one - room school , and Daddy said he remembers helping older children with their lessons . Daddy 's first year , his teacher was a young woman , a pretty young woman . She was doing very well and had no serious problems until winter began . In the wintertime , the young men on the farms had little to do , and so they went back to school . So here was this pretty young woman , probably only twenty years old , with young male students who were that age and older . And the young men were all " sweet " on her . She was successful in rebuffing their advances , but one afternoon , she went to the outdoor " privy " , stepped inside and closed the door . The young men immediately tipped it over , door side down and all ran away . Pandemonium . Finally , a rescue was made , the young woman went to the house where she was boarding ( my father 's home ) , packed her bags and left the very next day . Grandpa quickly hired the next teacher , this time a man . Daddy said the man arrived and the first thing he did , after welcoming the children , was to tell the young men they had to leave . All went except for one , the oldest and largest . He told the teacher , " You 'll have to make me go . " The teacher , a much smaller man , knew this would be his most crucial test . He took a deep breath , took off his coat , and told the fellow to step outside . Daddy said the kids all rushed for the windows and watched the fight . The young man was larger and stronger than the teacher , but the teacher was very determined . His job was on the line . It didn 't take long . When the fight was over , the young man started for home . The teacher came inside , put on his coat , and called the classes to order . There were no further problems . I think about the education those children received in that little one - room schoolhouse . It was probably cozy and smelly ; little pot - bellied stove belching smoke , a cloakroom that smelled of wet wool and mucky galoshes , left over lunches , and warm little bodies . A one - room schoolhouse with limited supplies . No fancy science labs there . No gymnasium . Art and music only if the teacher was so inclined . Teachers with little training . It probably ended with grade six , maybe eight . For high school , Daddy and his siblings had to go to boarding school in a nearby town . Yet Daddy and all his brothers went on to college and all did well . They read books in those days , serious books , and talked about them . Everyone knew the importance of an education . In the evenings after dinner , Grandpa had the children do their schoolwork and then read stories out of the Bible . Daddy said they all hid magazines in their Bibles . I wonder if Grandpa knew about those magazines . Daddy said his father was a hard taskmaster when it came to raising boys . But I was sure Grandpa knew and allowed . I knew a Grandpa who was retired from preaching and raising boys . He was sweet , and permissive . After all , he 'd been a boy once himself . When we lived with them for that short time , you could set your watch by the times that Grandpa came in for his coffee and " a bit of something sweet . " He 'd give me a sugar cube to hold on my tongue , and then let me sip coffee through it . Delicious . " Don 't tell your mother , " he 'd say . I never did . I loved these tales . They were like out of storybooks for me , out of a time long past , a way of living I could only imagine . I wish my mother had told more of her stories . She did tell a few . But that 's a different post … Dear friend Jennifer Mackley surprised me by putting together a book of my first year 's blogs . Then she peppered the pages with photos from my Mother 's old photo albums . Here is the link if anyone is interested . She titled the book Quilting Reflections : I was having a soy latte with my friends at Green Lake - Peg , Tom , Mary Mc , and Smokey . I was telling them of a wonderful NOVA program I 'd seen about dogs . " There 's this woman in the Netherlands whose dog recognizes hundreds of names . " I looked at Smokey . " How many does he have ? " Smokey jumped up , eyes alert , ears at attention , and barked . When my husband was little his parents spelled out " ice cream . " Little Dick soon learned what that meant . So Vi started using b - e - a - n - s to represent a treat . Didn 't take long before little Dick let them know , " I like b - n - s . " Busted . I 'm thinking of all those codes we use when we speak . When my eldest son was a teenager , " It 's okay , " meant he really liked it . My daughter 's , " I 'm fine , " meant leave me alone . Bill 's was " I 'll handle it . " Doug just raised his hand , " Butt out . " Didn 't take a lot of talking to get the message across . We were a rather quiet family and had few arguments . I wondered about those families that talked and talked . I hoped their arguing was a way to say I care , just as our silences spoke loudly of our respect and trust . While reading Roddy Doyle 's book The Snapper , I constantly felt anger at how the father spoke to his daughter . Nothing but put - downs and insults . And then , in the very end of the book he made a tiny gesture and I burst into tears . He loved her ! And she knew it . Their language was that of their working - class Irish , a hard way of speaking that had grown out of centuries of hardscrabble living . For me , it was like visiting a foreign country . Then while reading Major Pettigrew 's Last Stand by Helen Simonson , I came across this on page 296 . " You are not the first man to miss a woman 's more subtle communications , " said the Major . " They think they are waving when we see only the calm sea , and pretty soon everybody drowns . " Ah yes , subtle communications . I started out writing this blog hoping to find some way for us all to understand each other , have a kind of dictionary like those English / French ones . Eliminate all the misunderstandings . But then I thought of how boring and shallow our conversations would be . Better to let us all have our codes and spend our lives figuring them out . Does keep us busy and allows for all kinds of misunderstandings , which will lead to long conversations filled with all manner of explanations . Let 's just keep talking . Children didn 't travel when I was a girl . Our parents gleefully packed their bags and kissed us goodbye and we were left to the mercy of our baby sitters . My worst memory is of a trip my parents made to Mexico early one summer . " We 'll bring you huaraches , " mother said . " Now be good . " The family moved in - a mother who cooked cabbage all day , a father who walked about in his smelly socks , a twelve - year old boy called Junior who kept finding snakes near the lake , and a grandmother who once had been huge , but now whose skin sagged horribly . She belched and farted with no apologies . I was horrified - prissy little snob that I was . My mother left a well - stocked pantry and it looked as if the " W " family intended to clean it out . Mrs . W was impressed with our new kitchen . It had everything . Dishes all matched , pans matched as well . And there was even a brand new mixing machine . She refused to use it as it was " mechanical " and she feared those gadgets were bewitched . I spent my days playing Robin Hood and Maid Marion with some of the summer kids . These were families who moved into their cottages for the summer season . The kids were boys my age and some older so water polo had a tendency to get rough . One of the rules was they could hold you under as long as the ball was hidden . The boys grabbed my braids , stuck the ball between their knees and held me under until I was near death . But I never complained . Wouldn 't give them the satisfaction . We also played mumblypeg . When explaining the rules to me , Burt said , " You place the knife like this ( as he laid an open hunting knife flat on the palm of his hand ) . Then you toss it like this ( as he tossed it in a way that had it flip and fall blade first into the ground ) . And if it doesn 't land right , the loser picks a matchstick out of the dirt with her teeth . " My teeth were gritty the entire summer . My sister was younger and played with her friends . We 'd meet at noon when we sneaked into the kitchen to get something to eat . However at dinner time there was no avoiding that family . Mrs . W was concerned about eating in the dining room , but we always ate in the dining room as mother was trying to raise her daughters to be ladies and have manners . And as that was an endless job we always ate in the dining room . Grandma W plunked her sagging body onto one of mother 's ladder - back chairs and proceeded to eat everything in sight . Mother would have loved serving Junior as he ate two and three helpings of everything . Mother was a marvelous cook and my sister and I were " picky " eaters . What Mrs . W brought forth was amazingly tasty and her family thoroughly enjoyed their meals . They had loud voices , big laughs , and thought nothing of waving the silverware about in the air . Mother 's laundry room in the basement was a marvel to them . Daddy had built all kinds of cupboards and storage areas . I couldn 't believe that they might not have a washing machine . Didn 't everyone have one ? But they didn 't . They didn 't even have electricity . That helped explain the rumpled look they all had . So everyday they did laundry . One morning , the Grandma asked my sister and me to hang her clean laundry outside to dry . Her petticoats were like pup tents , her nightgown like that tent they put up for weddings . But best of all were her underpants . They were made of soft cotton and trimmed with worn lace . You could tell they were old for you could almost see through the fabric . The bottom was split open so she could sit on the toilet without pulling them down . Amazing ! We invited all the kids to come and see . It was the hit of the season . Mother and Daddy finally returned with huaraches . " How 'd it go ? " Mother asked Mrs . W . My sister and I smiled sweetly . We had survived . But I remember feeling a tinge of guilt . When I really looked at Mrs . W , I saw she meant it . They 'd all had a wonderful time while I 'd spent the two weeks making fun of them behind their backs . I blush now when I think of what a little snob I was . This was a family doing the best they could in the worst depression the country had ever known . Mrs . W was being as creative as she could to make interesting meals with very little . Mr . W had lost his job and feared he lacked the skills to find another . The Grandma was bravely facing her illness and aging . Mother 's pantry must have looked like manna from heaven to them . Who knows what they had been going through ? My parents had seen the W family 's need , looked into their hearts at their purity and simplicity , and had found a way to help , a way that allowed the W family to maintain their dignity . My parents knew their daughters were sturdy and could use a few lessons in gratitude and humility , obviously lessons long past due . Posted by world . She 'd even seen a real volcano . I was in awe . The following week , I got a second - best friend . David . He Granddaughters Chelsea and Sloane called her the " talking lady . " She was tall and slim and wore long flowing skirts , sometimes several , one over the other . She draped her shoulders with a scarf and wore another around her head , trying to keep her unruly gray hair in place . A canvas satchel hung over her shoulders and it bulged with strange lumps . And in her hand was an open book , one of those blank books you buy for journaling . As she walked she held the open book in front of her lips and spoke into it . I saw her often in the California suburb I lived in . She seemed to walk everywhere . One early morning , I stopped in at the local McDonald 's to have their sausage egg muffin . I took a seat beside the window and noticed her in the booth opposite me . She had several open books on the table along with a number of pens - red , green , and black . She was writing and changed pens often . I could see the words covering the pages were closely spaced . Her coffee was black in a Styrofoam cup . At one point she looked up and saw me . I looked back , deep into her eyes . We connected , truly saw each other , then she dropped her pen , scrambled out of the booth , and raced out of the restaurant . " Oh , " he said . " We all know her . She 'll be back . Don 't worry , I won 't let nothing disturb her things . " I thought of all the other strange people I 'd seen - the angry man at the bus stop . He was there every day ; dressed in a suit , clean shaven , and carrying a leather notebook . He stood quietly until the bus stopped . The moment the door opened he started . His arm lifted and with an accusing finger pointed directly at the driver , he began to shout . It sounded like gibberish with an occasional four - letter word thrown in . People disgorged from the bus and more people got on . No one seemed to notice him . The minute the doors closed he quieted , opened his notebook and wrote . It was like the fat boy on the street corner of Bridge Street when I was young . He always stood on the corner opposite the Post Office , rocking back and forth , sucking his thumb . Often , his pants were wet . I watched him from the safety of the back seat of the car . People walked about their business and no one noticed him , or seemed to . I asked my father about him and he explained that he was a boy who would never grow up , that he would remain a child always and we must be kind . I think of the " talking lady " who doesn 't want to be noticed and of the others - all those who don 't fit within the norm . The thinking seems to be that if we don 't notice they won 't exist . But they do . They are in our world . They are our people , part of our family - the family of humankind . I have a feeling the " talking lady " knows that and is recording all that she sees in her book . The guy at the bus stop too . He 's making notes . I 've been told that when one enters the Pearly Gates , St . Peter looks in a book to determine where we will go . I wonder who has been gathering the data for that book ? Could it be the " talking lady , " or the guy at the bus stop , or my rocking boy ? God 's spies ? I have a birthday this month and I won 't tell you my age , but will give you a hint . It 's a number the Chinese consider very lucky and there are two of them , and if you put them on their side , you get infinity - and beyond . Anyway , birthdays always remind me of gifts and so here are some . When my eldest son John was eighteen months old , he was " gifted " with a new sister . She was adorable . And that 's not just my prejudice . My father claimed there was one beautiful baby born , and every mother had it . John had been that beautiful baby once , and now he had a sister . When I took the children out for a walk , people stopped us on the street to rave about the " beautiful baby . " John always stood politely by . One day , we went for a walk with my father . Later that day , he returned with gifts . He had a token gift for Mary , but a box for John . " Open it , " he said , and John did . There was a sheriff 's hat , a badge , and a red bandana . Now John always wore hats . We had no idea why , for his father never wore one . But John had a hat for every occasion . When Howdy Doody was on , John wore his Howdy Doody hat . Next was Cowboy Bob , and John raced into his bedroom to retrieve his cowboy hat . He had a mailman 's cap , fireman 's helmet , football helmet , baseball cap , a whole repertoire of hats . John was delighted with what was in the box and my father had him put on the hat , badge , and bandana . " Let 's take another walk , " he said . While I bundled up the baby , my father and John had a whispered conversation . Soon we were on the sidewalk and a woman came up to us . " What a beautiful baby , " she said . My father nudged John who shyly spoke up and pointed to his chest . " Sheriff 's badge , " he said . The woman immediately turned to him . " What a nice badge . " She then said nice things about his being the big brother to this beautiful baby . I realized . John would have no need of envy now , for my father had given him a priceless gift , one of personal value and belonging . John was no longer a beautiful baby . He was now the big brother , a role he has played graciously . That Mary , who grew up to be a beautiful person , gave me many gifts . One of my favorites was when she was grown and on her own , I loved going to visit her and take her to lunch and dinner . It was such a treat for me to pick up the tab . Several years after she was married , I visited . We went to lunch and when the check was delivered , I reached for it . But Mary got there first . " No , no , " I said . " My treat . " Son Bill gave me many gifts , but my favorite was one about organizing , one of my weakest attributes . Bill was an expert . He had set me up with a new organizing system for my learning center , one he had used successfully on some work he 'd done in New York . After several weeks on one of our calls , he asked how it was going . " It 's not , " I said . " The system doesn 't work . " My youngest son Doug is amazing . He is the most able at living in the present of anyone I know . I started learning from him when he was a teenager . He could see the writing on the wall and would tell me about it in no uncertain terms , calling my attention to truths and facts I had been ignoring ( I am the Queen of that famous river Denial ) . One of the best gifts was when he was about nineteen . I had been asked to do a writing assignment , a rather important one , and didn 't know if I could do it . I called him and was commiserating about the project . " I 'm not sure I 'm good enough for this , " I whined . " Maybe I should decline . " A gift from my mother , one reluctantly received , came when I was in high school . I was with Mother at the church one Sunday when they were asking for volunteers to set up the community room for a tea . " Oh , Ruth would love to do that . " My Mother smiled and patted my knee . " Oh , yes . Ruth can do anything . " And she believed that , lived her life as if that were so . More than once , I pulled myself up by the bootstraps to be that girl for my Mother . Truly , a gift to me . My father 's gifts are too numerous to even recall . He raised me to be a warrior and I am truly grateful for his love and belief in me . Re - gifting is not a new practice . It 's what we did with the three extra silver gravy boats we got as wedding gifts . Many years ago , I found a re - gift that still brings tears to my eyes . I read this in a McCall 's magazine , probably in the 1950s . I cut it out and have saved it these many years . ( Don 't know who to acknowledge and thank for the magazine article . ) " In late 1864 a mother wrote a letter to her sixteen - year - old son coming home from four years in the Confederate Army . Randolph Helm had a ' dark bitterness ' in his soul , he had told his mother , having known war too young and too long . Fifty - five years later the letter was used again , when Randolph 's nephew returned from World War I . It was used a third time when a member of the family came back from Iwo Jima and Okinawa . ' She put rivets in her tenderness , ' this boy said . The letter is as fresh today as it was when Grandmother Helm wrote it nearly 100 years ago . " A winter day , 1864 . Dear son , I 'm glad you 're coming home . You 'll make it in time for spring plowing . If General Lee offers you a mule , don 't be proud . You take it . " What makes you think I won 't remember you ? If you 'd been away fifty years I 'd remember . I don 't reckon you eat your vittles any different when you 're hungry and still squirm when you say your prayers ' sif you had fire in your pants . " You got a deal of bitterness stored up in you for sixteen years . Yes , people lied and cheated and sold each other out , but they 've been doing it sence the days of Eden . Just you see that you don 't waste yourself hating em . You see , they never laid in ditches covered with water till they wondered if all the world was under water . They never froze till they wondered if all the fire in the world had burned out . They never waited in the dark of night till they wondered if all the light in the world had blown out . They never starved and thirsted and froze and hated and burned and willed to die for something they believed . These things they never done , and you must be easy with em . " I 'm standing now at the winder looking out at the stars . Just you and God and me . I 've put your hand in His , and I 'm saying a prayer . I 'll write it out so 's you 'll know . ( He don 't need to have it writ . ) God , here he is , and don 't be too easy on him . Because he 's fit a war and lost an arm he mustn 't get to thinking his work 's done . He 's young and don 't know that work heals and so does forgiving . His dark bitterness won 't get him nothing . Hold his hand , will You , till he finds the light . Now good night , my son , good night . Your mother , Nancy Helm " Growing up in small town America felt very safe . My friends and I strolled around Chippewa Falls with no fear . There were no dangerous neighborhoods there , only dangerous places . One tavern in particular was famous for its brawls . My father said it was not a place for ladies . All we had in those days was our reputation , once sullied , never again regained . And so my friends and I stayed clear of brawling taverns . So you can imagine my shock when in college I was chased one evening while walking back to the sorority house . Our housemother had warned us that there was a rapist loose in the neighborhood and we were never to be out alone at night . We were to call her and she 'd pick us up . But I 'd left the library in a hurry and forgot about calling and here some guy in dark clothes was following me . I 'd seen him lurking under the awning outside the Christian Fellowship Community Hall . I continued walking and soon heard footsteps behind me . I peeked . It was the guy . I started walking faster . He did too and soon I was racing with him chasing me . I ran into the middle of the street praying , hoping someone would see me . But no one did . Finally , I spotted the fraternity house of the fellow I was dating . I raced into the house and plunked down into a chair , my heart beating wildly . " Being chased , " I managed to blurt out , and the house emptied as the fellows ran into the street . They didn 't find anyone , but they walked me to the sorority house and then serenaded us for an hour . All 's well that ends well . But I had learned there are truly dangerous neighborhoods . When I lived in Atlanta ( 1956 ) , it felt in some ways that the entire city was a dangerous neighborhood . There were all these rules and regulations about what you could do where , when , and with whom . For instance , you couldn 't sit at a table with any , who in those days were called " colored . " However , you could stand with them , even in crowded elevators . " Colored " had to sit in the balcony at the theaters . When the movie Hamlet was showing , one of the " colored " professors borrowed her white friend 's children . With them in tow , she looked like a nanny and got to sit on the main floor . Such a crazy business . " Passing " was an interesting phenomenon . That meant that a light - colored person could " pass " as white . I had a neighbor who bragged about her southern blood . She would never use a bathroom that a " colored " person used . Never . In fact , she boasted that she and her mother had checked out of a hotel in San Francisco when they learned that " colored " people had rooms there . One evening , at a dinner party in a fancy Peachtree Street hotel in Buckhead ( a white suburb ) , I happened to go into the ladies ' room and there was my neighbor . As I entered , a beautiful woman exited one of the stalls . I could tell she was " passing . " When she left the room , I mentioned this to my neighbor and asked how she could explain her being in the same bathroom . She was flustered and waved her hands about . " Oh … oh … that 's just different . " As I said , the whole city was caught up in this crazy business , a truly dangerous neighborhood for all . While still living in Atlanta , we took a trip to Milwaukee to see my parents . Dick decided to drive through Chicago to give the children an opportunity to see the city instead of the freeways that surrounded it . We were driving through south Chicago when someone threw a rock at the car . We were shocked . And then another rock came and another and someone shouted , " Go home , Georgia cracker ! " We got away as quickly as possible , but it left us all stunned . Those people throwing the rocks didn 't know us , what we thought , how we lived , and yet they had formed an opinion about us . I had a tiny understanding ( and so did my young children ) of what it must be like to be dark skinned in a segregated city . If this nonsense was to continue , I despaired for mankind . While living in Mount Lebanon , a suburb of Pittsburgh , in the early 1960s , I joined with five other women to do something about civil rights . We chose an interesting area of Pittsburgh , a mixed neighborhood with about 60 % white , 40 % " black " ( the word we used then ) , and all poor . The neighborhood was filled with beautiful old Victorian town houses , all beginning to show their years . We talked the Presbyterian Synod into renting a storefront space for us . We named it The Meeting Place and it was truly that . There were activities all day long and well into the evening . Someone had organized a teen group and we took turns being there so the parents could relax and know that no " hanky - panky " was going on . One evening , as I herded the kids out and prepared to close up , I laid my purse and car keys on the table . One of the boys ( a tall sixteen - year old ) grabbed the keys . Two boys joined him and they began to tease me about taking me for a ride . I looked at these boys . Cute , full of life , ready for an adventure and I knew I was responsible for what would happen . I pulled up the " mother " inside of me - that female tiger that rises whenever her kids are in danger . I held out my hand and pointed to it . There was a moment , one of those times that seems to freeze . Then the boy laughed as he dropped the keys into my hand . We had escaped a truly " dangerous neighborhood . " From that day on , those boys became my protectors . I wanted to adopt them . Los Angeles has its share of dangerous neighborhoods . One evening in the early 1980s , I finished leading one of the EST Seminars and met with my logistics team . We had gotten into the habit at the close of a seminar to allow people to ask for someone to walk them to their cars . But this evening , for some reason , I neglected to ask someone to walk with me . Soon everyone was gone and my car was parked in a very dangerous neighborhood . My friend Judy always said I carried " safe " around with me , and I hoped she was right . I was exhausted and all I could think about was getting home . All of a sudden a fellow staggered up beside me . " Lady , how about having a drink ? " I turned to look at him . He was just a bit taller than me , but he was huge . His straight black hair was pulled back into a long ponytail , his face broad and ruddy colored . His thick neck disappeared into the broadest shoulders I 'd ever seen . He looked like a brick wall . " Sorry , " I said and walked away . He raced up to me . " Oh , Jesus , lady , don 't be afraid of me . " I stopped and looked him in the eye . I was terrified and yet felt oddly compassionate . It was obvious his life was hard , but in some strange way I knew this scenario was up to me and I needed to keep us safe . " I am not afraid . I 'm hungry and tired and I 'm going home . " I clutched my purse to my chest and walked to my car . I got in , locked the doors , thanked God ( literally ) , and started the car . Suddenly , the front of my car dipped . I looked up . There he was , his arms spread wide , pushing the front of my car to the ground . Again , for the sake of both of us , I felt I had to be in charge . I gunned the engine , put the car in gear , and released the clutch . He leaped out of the way and I drove home . I 'd been lucky , but knew I needed to be more careful . Like a cat , that mother tiger has only so many lives . I 've been in other dangerous neighborhoods . I remember especially some corporate team meetings and a few cocktail parties in Los Angeles and New York City where careers and reputations were on the line . It seems those dangerous neighborhoods are all over the place . I 'm being careful , but there 's one neighborhood I can 't avoid . In Augusten Burrough 's book Dry , he writes about his experiences with alcohol and rehab . One of his counselors is a recovered alcoholic Ph . D . therapist named Rae . During one of their sessions , she advises him , " Think of your head as an unsafe neighborhood ; don 't go there alone . " Good advice . Wish me luck . I love boxes . Those tiny places to hold a stone , a shell , a secret , a precious little heart . And I have quite a collection . I never intended to be a collector . It just happened . One by one they arrived . What is the fascination ? The possibility that there is something inside , something out of sight , private . The excitement of opening it , perhaps to discover a prize , a gift , a memento , or even to find it empty - a world of possibilities . I simply cannot resist them . I went to the theater recently with a group of writer friends . A mutual friend was performing in a new play at the Annex Theatre . As the lights dimmed , I gave myself over to that mystical experience and entered the land of make - believe . There is something quite wonderful that happens in live theater . Movies are entertaining and safe . The makeup and costumes will be just right , every hair in place , each article of clothing just right , all frozen on the screen for all time . ( It took a zillion " takes " to be sure that is so . ) However , in the theater you never know . These are real people in a real setting and for me , a sense of adventure takes over as the lights dim . Maybe tonight something will happen , something beyond the control of the director or actors . Perhaps there will be some new insight , new interpretation . So when an actor speaks and moves the magic begins . I did a lot of theater when I was young . In high school I got to play the ingénue , the sweet young thing . Not much talent required doing that for I was sweet and young . My first two years in college , I did theater as well . Got to play some leads . My favorite was in the play Ladies in Retirement . This was the role of an older woman . I got to wear a great wig and have lots of makeup . In one scene , I was required to scream . The problem was that I couldn 't . Scream , that is . I know , all women are expected to be able to make loud shrieking noises . I couldn 't , can 't . Not exactly sure why ( although I do have my theories : my quiet family upbringing , the need to completely let go , weird vocal chords , who knows ) . I was told I either screamed or the stand - in would take over . I wanted that role , and so I enlisted the help of Alberta . She was on the technical crew and had a scream that could wake the dead . I arranged with her that the lighting on me would be dim as I appeared on the landing , looked below , and raised my hands to my face . At that moment , Alberta let go with a hair - raising scream . It worked , and the director never learned the truth . My junior year in college , my family moved to Minneapolis , and I was able to enroll in the University of Minnesota . Bit of a shock . In Eau Claire , I 'd been a big frog in a little - bitty puddle . But here I was , a junior at this enormous University . No orientation for me , and no way to meet people as I lived at home . For two weeks I wandered about and spoke to no one and no one spoke to me . It was dreadful . Every morning , my father said , " Aren 't you the luckiest girl in the world ! " I never told him how unhappy I was and every evening I cried myself to sleep . But I knew I had to do something . Sink or swim . One evening as I crossed the Mall , I noticed the lights in the basement of the music building . That 's where the theater was . I walked inside and asked who was in charge . Someone directed me down the hall to an office . I opened the door and saw a bald man with the biggest , darkest , kindest eyes I 'd ever seen ; Doc Whiting , the head of the theater department . He invited me in . " What can I do for you ? " he asked , and the next thing I knew I was babbling away , telling him all about it . He took my hand and walked me backstage . " Put her to work , " he said . They did . Saved my life . The theater wasn 't even a minor for me , and most of my professors did not approve of the time I spent doing plays . But I loved it . I was never given any leading parts - I wasn 't even in the same league as the people who were playing major roles - but I got walk - ons and minor roles and lots of technical jobs . One of my favorites was King Lear . I was a sound technician . My friend Helen was lights . By the time we were giving performances , we 'd memorized the play . Some evenings , she 's say all the men 's roles , I 'd do women 's . then we 'd reverse . Another fun play was Shakespeare 's Taming of the Shrew . I had a non - speaking part - - a walk - on - - and a marvelous costume . It was a pale rose color and had panniers - bustle - like pads at the hips . I was having a fun flirtation with a fellow who was doing lights , an added bonus . In one scene , I was seated on a big pouffy seat on the far right of the stage , my gown spread out at my feet . Suddenly , I had the eerie feeling that the audience was moving . I glanced over to the wings and there was my flirtatious friend with a grip on the hem of my gown , slowly pulling me offstage . I planted my feet firmly to grip the floor and leaned forward . It didn 't help and before I knew it , I was in the wings and in his arms . Fortunately , it was a high school student matinee and no one seemed to notice . Such is the fate of walk - ons . My most momentous moment on stage was for a senior recital play . TheThe play was going well - no missed cues , the audience fully engaged and then we had the gun scene . Hal looked perfect , hair messed , face enraged when he pulled out the pistol . I felt the audience tense . He threatened me , raised the pistol and pulled the trigger . You could hear the click in the quiet room . Nothing happened . A look of panic filled Hal 's face . He pulled again . Another click and silelnce . The quiet of the room now had weight . Hal 's hand shook as he again raised the pistol . He squeezed the trigger and a loud click reverberated through the silent room . Suddenly , a voice hollered , " Bang ! " The audience roared with laughter . Hal ran off stage . I said my lines and ended the play . I wanted to die I was so embarrassed . I raced down to the dressing room intending to hide until everyone had gone . But the door opened and Doc Whiting walked in . " You were good , Ruth . Congratuations . " he said . " What idiot hollered ' bang ? ' " I asked . He smiled . " I did . The audience needed some relief . And you never got out of character . I mean it when I said you were good . " He patted my shoulder . " Now go out and greet your fans . Go on . You 'll survive . " And I did . My happiest , most amazing experience was a tour . The Department of Arts and Lectures at the University wanted to try an experiment . ( This was 1946 . ) The play was " Blythe Spirit " by Noel Coward . I played the role of the maid who happened to be a " familiar . " Got to sing " I 'll Be Loving You Always " with a Cockney accent . I was also in charge of properties - we all had dual roles . The sets were piled into a big truck , the six actors in one car , and off we went for our one - night stands , to small towns in Minnesota , Wisconsin , and South Dakota . My per diem was $ 5 / day . At the end of the tour I had to borrow money to get home . We were a success , so much so that they still do tours , only now they do the Mediterranean , Japan , and Europe . Born thirty years too soon , the story of my life . My last theater adventure was Little Theater my first year out of college . I was teaching in a small town in Wisconsin and joined the theater to give me something to do with my evenings and to make friends . The play was " Claudia " and I played lead role of Claudia , a young bride . In the play , she smokes a cigarette and flirts with a fellow , even allows him to kiss her . The play went well and we received rave reviews in the local paper . The following week , I was called into the Superintendent 's office . I could tell I was in trouble the minute I saw his face . He didn 't even ask me to sit down , but shook the folded newspaper in my face . He was outraged . Here I was , a teacher , a role model to the children , a woman who should have been a paragon of virtue , and I had sullied my reputation by being in a play ! I could feel tears wanting desperately to fall , but I thought about my father and wondered what he 'd do . He wouldn 't lose his cool , of that I was sure , so I gritted my teeth . I asked if the Superintendent was familiar with Shakespeare . He was . Did he think those plays were worth doing ? He did . Even Edmund 's soliloquey in " King Lear ? " He agreed . I raised my fist . " Now , gods stand up for bastards ! " His mouth dropped open . I turned and left his office . I cried all the way home , sure I 'd lost my job . But the following day there was a phone call for me . It was the Superintendent . He apologized . It seems the gods can stand up for teachers as well . My darling friend Abbie could spot an angel no matter how clever the disguise . Abbie 's disease ( a degenerative muscle problem ) had gotten to the point where she was now in a wheelchair . We were best friends . She lived in Camarillo , I lived in South Pasadena and Abbie loved to come visit . So her husband Peter drove her in to spend weekends with me . This one weekend , I didn 't think to ask about how she 'd get back home . Finally , on Sunday I asked if I was to take her home . No , she said . She wanted to spend as much time with me as she could . I could take her to the bus in the morning . Are you sure ? I asked . I had my doubts about this , but she insisted . And so early Monday morning I drove to the bus station in Los Angeles . I parked the car and then struggled with the wheelchair ( it just barely fit in my little trunk ) . I finally got it out and opened . Then lifted Abbie into the chair ( she was a tiny thing with long blonde hair ) and crossed the street and entered the depot . It was a mess as they were rebuilding / redecorating . There was this black rubber moving floor that went up to the second floor where you bought tickets . No matter how hard I pushed , I couldn 't get the chair to go up on the ramp . I was sweating and muttering , when a very drunk man staggered up to us . " Having a little trouble ? " he asked . The man pushed me aside , grabbed the handles of the chair , turned around and stepped backwards onto the ramp . Up they went with me standing at the bottom open - mouthed . I finally joined them . Abbie thanked the man and he kissed her cheek . He ignored me and staggered away . We went up to the ticket window and Abbie bought her ticket . Then we went to wait for the bus . It arrived and the driver stepped out . He was a big man , with a head of curly blonde hair . I pushed Abbie forward and he reached for her ticket . Then he looked at me . " Your ticket , " he said . And thus began the argument . No matter what Abbie and I said , he was adamant . No handicapped person on his bus without an attendant . Finally , Abbie said , " If I can get on this bus by myself can I go ? " He thought a moment and then agreed . We stood and watched , tears streaming down our faces , as Abbie struggled to crawl up the steps onto the bus . Before she reached the very top , he leaped onto the steps and picked her up . He put her in the front seat by a window . Abbie was a master at spotting the AID people . Takes one to know one . Posted by Last year when my friend Allison asked if I wanted to see swans , I readily agreed to spend the weekend with her . I 've not seen many swans in my lifetime , had read about them long before I ever saw one . Not many swans in Wisconsin . As I packed for the weekend , I tried to remember my swan encounters . I remember walking a narrow footpath , pulling my suitcase , on my way to catch a bus to the village of Broadway . I had made reservations at a B & B and was anxious to get there . The footpath was bumpy and I was developing a pain in my upper back , for although I travel lightly , my suitcase was getting heavier by the minute . And then I saw them , four swans , three white and one black . It was like being hit , a wake - up call . Ruth , stop and smell the roses . There are four swans swimming in the River Avon . You 're in England and there 's a lovely pub across the way . All my aches disappeared . My next memory of swans happened in Norway . I was on a train with my sister , going from Oslo to Bergen for the weekend . It was March and the snow was deep . The scenes were beautiful as we rode along . Suddenly , there was an opening in the forest and I looked down a long ravine to a river below . The trees were black against the pristine snow and at the bottom of the ravine were six swans gliding on the icy blue water . We quickly moved on , but the scene was forever etched in my memory . And here I was now , in Allison 's car on our way to her home in Skagit County . We left the freeway and were on a county road when I saw some swans . Allison stopped so I could take a picture . These were Trumpeter swans ( you know that because of their size , dark bill , and deep honking sound ) , the largest North American waterfowl , weighing about 28 pounds with a wingspan of six to eight feet . They can live more than 24 years and they mate for life . The male is called a cob ( from the Middle English cobbe meaning leader of the pack ) . The female is a pen and she lays between three and eight eggs each summer . In 1940 , the Alaskan bird watchers counted only 69 . These birds were on their way to extinction . But people intervened and today the Alaskan birdwatchers claim nearly 13 , 000 swans nesting there in the summer . I took my picture of the swans . This was the first time I 'd seen swans out of the water . They moved slowly , awkwardly , one webbed foot carefully placed one after the other . Water is their element . I noticed Allison had a sly smile as we drove away . Within a few minutes she stopped the car and pointed . " Ruth , look off to your right . " At first , I thought it was snow , and then I saw movement . Swans , hundreds of them . Made the hairs on the back of my neck move . ( The volunteer bird counters say there were about 8400 in the County . ) They feed on the after - harvest crops , gleaning the fields of carrots , potatoes , corn , berries , etc . When they leave in March , the fields are fertilized and ready for plowing , a good arrangement for all concerned . And they need to fatten up for they will be going back to Siberia to mate and nurture their young , all to be ready to make the long flight again next winter . The whole business left me speechless . ( If you want to know more about swans , check out Martha Jordan . ) The swans would have made my weekend , and then Allison asked if I 'd like to see the Snow Geese . I remember reading Paul Gallico 's The Snow Goose . Beautiful story , very sad ending , haunted me for weeks . I had never seen a snow goose and so the chance to see some was enticing . There were books on the coffee table about birds , so I did a little research . These Snow Geese summer in Alaska on Wrangle Island , but they winter here , grazing much as the swans do on the after - harvest veggies . The birders on Wrangle Island recognize the geese who winter here for their heads are dyed a coppery red , due to the ferrous soil in the Skagit Flats . We drove to the Floyd Jones Reserve the next morning and there they were , over 100 , 000 . It boggled my mind . The geese are beautiful and noisy . Every once in a while , a group would rise and swirl over the crowd . And then a flock came in like a blizzard from the north , circled the group below , and gracefully land to join the others . How do they do it ? They never bump into each other or causI am still in awe of all that beauty . I hope the feeling never leaves . Mother Nature knows what she 's doing . Oh , I wish I 'd written it - had the ability to put the thoughts into words and string them together so brilliantly . But I didn 't . I read them in a young Irishman 's novel , copied them out , and then savored them . The author is Paul Murray , a Dublin resident . The book Skippy Dies , page 654 . And in an almost magical kind of way , on the same day I came across Murray 's quote , I found a proposal I 'd put together for a course at Antioch College . I called it " The Power of Language . " I know it 's a big segue , to go from superstory string theory to language , but I think language is the bridge between us , the " string " that connects us . In language we create our stories and then put them together . My course wasn 't about grammar , semantics , or the proper use of language . It was about examining language in a new context , that of creating a consensual domain of behavior . The word communicate means " to make common . " And isn 't that what we really want , to understand and be understood ? Words in and of themselves have no meaning . They are merely triggers , much like the PLAY button on a tape recorder . Your finger does not start the recorder . If it did , when the recorder broke , you 'd take your finger in for repair . It 's the button that triggers the player . It 's the same with words . The word triggers us into coming up with a meaning . Words are merely the symbols we use to carry on our social and business interactions . And we bring our unique interpretations to them . Our ability to language - to speak , think , and make our thoughts known to others distinguishes us as human beings . We language . Amazing ! Think a thought . How did you do that ? No one really knows . Even the neurologists are in awe of our minds . Language is a function of being human . Babies do not imitate the sounds of the refrigerator . They take human sounds and forge language for themselves . Even children who are unable to hear will find ways to language . We all know the thrill that comes when the baby begins to speak . But something more profound than just speaking is occurring . A personality is being born . We reveal ourselves in language . We think in language , and organize our thoughts in ways that have been determined by our culture and personal history . Within that culture , that personal history , we each bring our backgrounds and experiences to every situation we find ourselves in . We are an amalgam made up of all of our experiences . We are like libraries of rare and wonderful manuscripts presenting ourselves to the world . We are a collection of stories and events , of opinions and ideas , being expressed in the world all of the time . That 's what makes the idea of the superstory so exciting . We are each of us truly unique - the only one of us in the universe - and that makes our story important . If you didn 't exist , that part of the story would be missing and I would suffer as a result . Sounds to me like a good reason to look forward to each day . What today is going to come alive , will give me something to weave back into that superstory we are all a part of ? So give yourself permission to be who you are , where you are , doing what you are doing . I need you . You 're a vital part of my story . |
Before we get into a review of the whole experience , let 's just take a look at the last section , which was broadly based on the aether - a fifth element that , for reasons unknown to me , does not usually appear as a quirky redhead . It was , instead , the substance through which light waves were thought to propagate . A rather clever and simple experiment managed to prove that the aether didn 't exist , however , which makes it perfect for telling stories about other things that don 't exist - ghosts , ESP , spirits of every shape and size . Houseguests is a tale of a haunted house , where fourteen boys were tortured and killed . The house is bought by a pair of dedicated skeptics . Because after all - there 's no such thing as ghosts , right ? Except for the ones that really do live there … The Bad News tells more of Carly Siminsky 's story . Carly is a telekinetic girl , held by the Department of National Security for - allegedly - her own safety . She 's doing well in her training , until she hears something that she cannot endure . Hotline is about a psychic , but not a real one . A young woman acting as a telephone psychic to make money for college . Her last call of the night , however , turns out to be one she couldn 't have forseen . It was a good section , with some fun ideas that popped into my head , and others that actively resisted being drawn out into reality . But I suppose the aether is like that - indefinable , and unreliable . At 12 , 453 words , it was the second shortest section - probably due to the fact that there wasn 't a whole lot of pressure anymore . Most important , though , was that I finished NaNoWriMo with plenty of time to spare , and managed to get a very respectable number of words in before the month ended . How did I do it , you might ask ? Very simple : I planned . I made sure that I knew what I was going to do for the month , and had keywords set up to give me something to think about while I put the stories together . Aside from providing a seed for the story to grow from ( which is pretty much where Finders Keepers is all about ) , it allowed me to think about the stories during time when I normally wouldn 't write . I was regular in my writing . My regular writing time is at night - usually after eight or so , given my schedule , and I need to finish by eleven . That 's not a whole lot of time , but I made damn sure I used it . If I couldn 't - for example , on Wednesdays , when the podcast is due - I would do as much as I could during the day . I used all the time I had on my hands . The effect of this , of course , what that I didn 't have a lot of time to do anything else . I didn 't read a book all month , or write a review or anything , which seems really out of character and weird for me . For December , though , I 'm going to ramp things down a little . Do some world - building and exploring , look at some of the people and places I 've created over the last six months and 279 , 000 words . It should be an interesting little vacation . On the last day of each month , I 'll take a story from the previous month , clean it up a little , see if I can make it better than the first time it appeared , and post it up . Of course , this being the last night of my Elements series , with the category being " Aether , " there was really only one good choice of stories to revisit : Dream Intervention , from day 148 . I extended it a little , but more important was the shift from first person to third . I did it mostly just to see what happened , and it worked nicely , I think . I still don 't know what Cory 's Big Problem is , as he is not being very helpful . Much like in the story … The dream trembled under Noel 's fingertips . He was barely even touching it and yet he could feel the tenuous fabric try to shrink away from him . He smiled and leaned in closer , trying to peer into the distorted , unfinished vision that lay before him . Dreams were like that . A dream described by a person after they wake up is nearly impossible to recover . They search for words , they try to make comparisons that don 't make any sense . " She was my girlfriend but not my girlfriend , and for some reason she was a robot , but not like a Terminator robot but like one of those things you see in an auto plant . And made of marzipan . " They make perfect sense to the one who 's in them , and absolutely none from the outside . The internal logic is flawless , but to someone looking in , the whole thing is like a fragile , evanescent soap bubble just waiting to go . It took a lot of practice to get in and out of them without breaking the whole thing down around you . Fortunately , Noel had had that practice . And a little bit of luck , which he was careful to appreciate . He 'd been touching others ' dreams for more than a decade , and had learned the ins and outs of the dream world and the logic that ruled it . Or them , to be more precise . As it turned out , there was no singular dream world - no mysterious realm where all dreams come from . Every dream was a world unto itself , and yet all dreams shared a certain set of rules . The dream was pretty boilerplate , and about what he expected of a sixteen year - old boy . All of the corners were dark , and nothing was really clear except when Noel was looking straight at it . It was hot and everything felt sluggish and slow . When he moved , it felt like everything happened a half second too late , as though the universe hadn 't been paying attention to what he wanted to do . He focused his mind on the dream , and everything snapped into sharp relief . All it took was a shift of perspective , much like watching a movie and reminding yourself that the guns are shooting blanks and the explosions are largely computer - generated . It took some of the fun out of it , yes , but to someone living in it - or visiting - it might be a lifesaver . The school hallway brightened a bit as he reminded himself of where he was , and what he was doing there . He heard screams coming from down the hall , so he checked the notebook in his pocket to see what he needed to know about the kid : Cory Shillinger , a football player and probably the best on his team . A bit of a bully , but that often came with the territory . And that wasn 't why he was there . Not to punish him for anything . Just to remind him of something . Noel knew perfectly well what Cory looked like now , but that would probably just make things worse . Or weirder . He pictured a much younger Cory in his head , at least how he imagined Cory looked when he was younger . Dirty blonde hair , skinny , teeth that hadn 't been fixed up yet . He felt the image wrap around himself like a tight corset , and when Noel called up a mirror on the wall , he looked at least enough like young Cory to pass in a dream . But there was one more thing he needed . He pulled the badge out of his pocket and pinned it to the faded Star Wars t - shirt he was wearing . The badge had three simple words on it : I AM YOU . Cory would see it , but not really know what it was . It was a symbol , really , and nothing more , and it would be all that was really necessary to convince Cory of who Noel was supposed to be . Dreams operated on symbols , on personal interpretation of things . That was the only way dreams could work and not drive the dreamers utterly mad . Noel could have decided to look like Mark Twain or Marilyn Monroe or Jabba the Hutt , but he figured it would be best not to push his luck . The real Cory came barreling around the corner a moment later , and Noel banished the mirror . The boy was running feverishly from something that was probably really horrifying , but the way Noel saw it , he was running from symbols that were simply floating bundles of words . " Terror . " " Humiliation . " " Pain . " " Danger . " Cory himself was gorgeous , or at least mostly so . He had the body of a teenage quarterback - all lean and tight and muscled from head to toe . True to so many teenage dreams , all he was wearing was a pair of boxers , and even those were flickering in and out as Noel watched him . His skin was breaking out in sores that pulsed and opened and closed and moved about his body , never settling in one place but never fading away . His hair was falling out , and as he screamed , Noel saw that the boy was missing teeth . It was the grand package of nightmares , and for all the horror and terror , it was only a distraction for what Cory was really afraid of . Noel put himself in Cory 's path and held out a hand . A great wind blew in from behind him , picking up papers and books and even the odd desk or two . It blew from Noel towards Cory , and bent in a tight circle around the boy to blow all the symbolic monsters away from him in great tatters and rags and rage . Cory screamed and wept as the wind blew past him and howled and shrieked horrible things that only he could hear . Noel lowered his hand and the wind snapped off . Cory dropped to his knees , holding his head in his hands and whimpering softly . Noel let him sit like that for a moment , or however long that was for him . Cory looked up , and Noel could tell that he 'd be a heartbreaker if he just had clear skin and all his teeth . Noel shook his head . " This isn 't gonna work , " he said . " Stand up . " " C ' mon , QB . Stand up . " Noel crooked a finger and the boy stood on unsteady legs . Noel raised a hand to Cory 's chest and laid a hand against his skin . Cory 's form rippled for a moment , and all the deformities and disfigurement faded away as if they had never been . " There you go . " Noel patted his chest with a hand which was his own again , and let it linger there for a moment longer than he had to . He felt the boy 's heart beating , fast and afraid , and it sent a thrill up his arm . If Cory noticed the change , he didn 't say anything , but Noel drew out the moment as long as he could . " You … um , you might want to think about wearing some clothes , " Noel said eventually . He glanced down , and so did Cory . " But you can take your time . " Noel winked . " If you want . " " All right , " Noel said . He shrugged and turned around . There were a couple of comfortable chairs there that hadn 't been there before . " Have a seat , " Noel said . " And take that helmet off . It makes me uncomfortable . " As Cory sat , Noel took another button out and pinned it to the football uniform that he seemed to be wearing as well . Gotta be more careful about that , he thought . This button read YOU TRUST ME . It was blatant manipulation , and for a moment , Noel thought about seeing just how far he could push that button 's power . In the dream , anything was possible , and chances were that the boy wouldn 't remember a thing . " Good , " Noel said . " You can talk . You 'd be surprised how often that fails in here . " He handed Cory a drink in a cup labeled RELAX . He took it and blew over the top . Hot chocolate , probably . When he 'd taken a sip , and the pads deflated from under his uniform , Noel started to talk again . " Cory , " he said . " You 're in trouble . " He gestured over to one corner of the room , which had gone from being a school hallway to a bare stage . A spotlight clicked on and illuminated a strange tableau . Cory , holding another boy close , their arms wrapped around each other in mid - fall . Look at it one way , and it was the middle of a brawl - the other boy 's feet were about to come out from under him , and Cory was getting ready to pull an arm out for a punch . Cory 's face was a mask of rage , the other boy 's torn by fear . Look again , though , and they were holding onto each other out of desperation . Cory was trying to hold the other boy up , his arms tightening around his waist and they both slowly dropped to the floor . The anger on Cory 's face warped to pain and anguish . The other boy 's face was still overwhelmed with fear , but it was altogether a different kind now . Cory and Noel both looked at it , and then Noel turned to the boy . " So , " he said . " It looks like there 's something you might need to talk about . " " I … I don 't understand , " Cory said . He looked like he was about to cry again , and Noel felt his earlier attraction to the boy fading . He 'd hoped there would be a core of strength to him , but if this was his soul laid bare , then he wasn 't worth mooning over . " Of course you don 't , " Noel said . " That 's the whole point . " He leaned forward , and Cory 's eyes widened . Noel wondered who he looked like now . " You have a problem , son , " he said . He pointed to the tableau again , which was slowly turning in the spotlight . " That over there is a hint to what it is . But without your help , I can 't get to what 's really going on . " He stood up and crooked a finger . Cory , now dressed in a t - shirt and jeans , followed along to inspect the image more closely . Noel pointed to it . " You know who they are ? " " I know who I am , " Cory said , pointing to his own image . Noel raised an eyebrow . " But I don 't know who he is . " " Well , then we have a problem , " Noel said . He cracked his knuckles and noticed that he seemed to be wearing a suit now . With black leather gloves . " Fortunately , problem - solving is my specialty . But first , there 's somewhere we have to go . " He reached out to the statue - Cory 's head and tugged on a lock of hair . A door opened up , spreading instantly to the floor , and a dim greyness lay beyond . The faint smell of woodsmoke wafted out . " No , " the boy said , holding his hands up . " I don 't know where I am or what you 're doing , but this can 't be happening . Not for real . " He was starting to change again , his form losing substance . He was beginning to look like a faded photograph , like a wet painting left out in the rain , and Noel cursed under his breath . " Cory , you can 't go . This is too important . " He reached out for the boy 's arm , and it was like grabbing a handful of oatmeal . " Cory , you need to stay and do this . " The thing that was Cory shook its head . " No , " it said in a slow , indistinct voice . " Not going . " The shape bubbled and twisted and folded in on itself . And then , without prelude or fanfare , the dream collapsed . " Dammit , " Noel whispered . He lingered in the non - darkness that was the place where dreams emerged and tried to count all the things he did wrong . In the end , he let himself go back into normal sleep and the normal world . There would be other nights and other chances . But not too many . Carissa sat at her phone station a full minute before her eight o ' clock shift started and took a photograph out of her purse . It was old , the colors muted by the years , but still resonant with meaning . Her mother , dressed in a cheap black graduation robe , holding her diploma aloft with both hands . It was a gorgeous summer day , and she stood a little apart from her mother and father , who were watching with a kind of bemused interest . Carissa 's mother had been the first in the family to graduate from college , and Carissa meant to follow her example . She picked up her headset and had it settled right as the clock ticked over . She took a deep breath , whispered , " Graduation , " and hit the flashing white button that gave her the first call of the night . The young woman on the other end was convinced that her boyfriend was cheating on her , and it took Carissa about fifteen seconds of conversation to decide that he probably was , and she wasn 't sure she blamed him . There was only so much you could tell about someone after two years of an undergrad psychology degree , but growing up with three older sisters was a Masters ' course in how to ruin relationships . She threw a couple of well - aimed guesses at the caller - Did he sometimes hide his phone ? He 's been behaving strangely , hasn 't he ? - and advised her to go look for someone else , because he was just no good for her . Most of the calls were like that . They were people with fairly ordinary problems who just needed permission to do what they were probably going to do anyway . Those callers were entertaining . There were some , though , that made Carissa 's heart heavy and kept her staring at that picture of her mother all the longer . The people who called for real trauma , for answers that she couldn 't really give . Is my father okay in heaven ? Will my baby boy ever get better ? When will I ever feel normal ? For those calls , she leaned on the cloudiness of the future . " Events have a way of unfolding , " she 'd say , " and none of us can be absolutely sure what the end will be . " She would reassure them that life , on balance , does get better and that a brighter future was waiting for them if they were willing to go get it . Which was not advice that was privy only to psychics , but it seemed to make them feel better . " Welcome to The Psychic Connection , " she said . " I am Roxinda and I am at your service . " Countless movies and TV shows had taught her what people expected to hear from a psychic , and she was sure to deliver - a voice that sounded like she smoked too much , a name that was just exotic enough , and a trace of an accent that had no clear origin . " Let me part the veil and reveal to you what the future holds . " The person on the other end waited nearly long enough to make her think the call had dropped . Then he spoke . " You 're a liar , " he said . He sounded exhausted . His voice cracked , and seemed to be coming from far away . " Why would you say that ? " Carissa asked . She 'd been accused of not being a real psychic before , of course . There were the skeptics who tried to test her and the angry family members who were upset that their mother or brother or son was allowing some so - called " Psychic " to make decisions for them . Carissa had some sympathy , of course . She wasn 't psychic , and she was pretty sure none of her co - workers were either . They were all just really good at figuring people out , cold reading and making the vague and speculative sound precise and prophetic . They weren 't allowed to reveal that , of course . Admitting to not actually being psychic was the fastest way to lose the job , and right now Carissa needed what little cash she could scrape in . The man on the other end of the phone sighed , and it was heavy and tired . " I know your type , " he said . " You let us give you our money and you wave your hands around and tell us what we should do . and then you hang up , and nothing is ever your problem again . " Carissa blinked . That was a new approach for her . " Perhaps you could tell me about your problem , " she said . " I feel a great sense of urgency , of a great decision that needs to be made . " He laughed , and it was a single , short bark . " You could say that , yeah . Yeah , a decision . " He paused , and Carissa could hear the short scrape of a lighter being lit . " I sure do have a decision to make , " he said around what ha to be a cigarette . He exhaled , and it sounded like wind in her ear . " I 'm on a bridge , " he said . " A good high one . And I 'm just about ready to jump . " He took another inhale . " And it looks like a long , long way down . " Carissa 's insides froze as he spoke . Part of her wanted to keep him on the line , to keep him talking . But she had no idea what to say to him , no idea what she could say to keep him from jumping . And if she should say the wrong thing ? If she said something that made him want to jump ? Her mind froze up , and throat closed . After a moment , he said , " You still there ? " She took a breath and had to try a couple of times . " Yes , " she said . " Of course I 'm still here . I … I would … " She swallowed , hard . " Sir , perhaps you have called the wrong hotline ? " This time his laugh sounded genuine , if still dark and bitter . " That was good , " he said . " Nice . " Another exhale . " No , " he said . " I called you and I wanted you . " " Well , then , " she said . " Tell me what I can do for you ? " All of her lines fled from her head . She knew what her psychic persona should ask him , but she couldn 't make it come out . Finally she settled on , " How can I help you ? " " Sir , " she said . " I 'm afraid I don 't understand . " Carissa reached down and grabbed her purse from the floor . " What do you think we did to you ? " She started rifling through her bag . There was a notebook and a pen in there somewhere , she was sure of it . She resisted the urge to sigh . That was always a favorite line whenever she tried to fish for information from people , and it was a hard one to get past sometimes . " Very well , " she said , laying on the accent a little thicker . " This is not the first time you have called us , " she said . The notebook was at the bottom of her bag , of course . She pulled it out and started looking for her pen . " One of our number has helped you in the past . " " Very good , Saturn Girl , " he said . Carissa didn 't get the reference , but she caught the tone . " And how do you think that turned out ? " She found the pen and quickly scribbled a note on a piece of paper . " You are troubled . " Guy on phone going to kill himself , she wrote . " Your problem remains unresolved . " What the hell do I do ? " You are searching for answers to a question you do not know how to ask . " She leaned over to Lizette , the girl who sat next to her , and slid the note onto her desk . " You wish to know - " " What I wish to know , " he said , " is where the hell you people get off ? " The anger in his voice was a good sign , at least from a psychic point of view . Angry people were less careful about what they said , more prone to letting information slip . She tapped the note , and Lizette waved her off . She was on a call of her own , and it looked interesting . He barked out a laugh again , and she could hear him lighting another cigarette . " A mirror darkly , " he said . " That 's a good one . You people steal my wife from me , my job , my friends , and all you can do is mis - quote the Bible at me . " " Advise ? " he said . " You people advised me that my wife was cheating on me with my best friend . You advised me that my boss was planning to get me fired . What the hell kind of advice is that ? " Carissa looked over at Lizette , who had just tapped her on the shoulder . She pointed at the note and mouthed , " Seriously ? " Carissa nodded , and Lizette started to write her own reply . " I am sure that it was advice given in good faith , " Carissa said . She took the paper from Lizette , who had written , Find out where in her loopy handwriting . Carissa gave her a thumbs - up , and Lizette got up from her station . That was a surefire method of getting a supervisor 's attention , and usually not in a good way . " In good faith , " the man said . " You mean you were making shit up . " His voice was getting tired again . The anger was draining away from it , and Carissa wasn 't sure what that meant . " You were just doing what you do - taking my three dollars per minute and pulling answers from your ass . " He sighed into the phone , and the hairs on the back of Carissa 's neck went up . " I should 've known better . " She could picture him . He sounded middle - aged , and the wife and job comment seemed to point that way . He smoked , and that gave her an image of a thinner , sallow man . Standing on a bridge , looking down on the water below . Probably wearing the clothes he woke up in that morning . The tips of his shoes - his sneakers - would be peeking over the edge , and the wind would be cold and wet . She wondered if there was anyone else on the bridge , and why no one had stopped to see if he was okay . It was only 10 : 30 , after all . There should be some traffic . She wrote on her pad , High bridge , little traffic ? - and passed it to Lizette , who was showing the original note to the floor manager . " Sir , " she said . " I understand you are upset . The waters of the future … they can be treacherous . Even we who see can sometimes only see poorly . " She glanced up at the floor manager , who made a twirling motion with his finger over the note . More . " But no matter what we see or do not see , the future is ultimately up to the choices we make . And perhaps a lonely bridge in the middle of the night in your sweatpants is not the best choice right now ? " Carissa cringed a little . She always did when she guessed blindly like that . She wanted to say that he 'd given her all the clues . That her uncle had lost his job a year ago , and he was still on the couch , in sweats and a dirty t - shirt lamenting the unfairness of it all . That the caller was probably clinically depressed by now , and one of the features of depression was not caring for one 's appearance . She wanted to say that she had studied this kind of thing , that they 'd talked about it in class . That she 'd woven the image together out of guesswork and hope . Carissa smiled , and wasn 't sure if she was about to laugh or cry . " No , nothing like that , " she said . " But perhaps a friend ? " She gritted her teeth . " I feel that there is someone who can help you , but you feel unworthy of his help . You could call , but … " " But I couldn 't , " he finished . His voice cracked again , and she thought he might be crying . After a little coaxing , he gave her a name and a phone number . She wrote them down . Carissa let her breath out slowly . " Thank you , Leonard , " she said . She handed the note to Lizette , who nodded and pulled out her cell phone . " We 'll call your friend for you . In the meantime , can you stay on the line with me ? Just so I know you 're okay ? " " I dunno , " he said . " At three dollars a minute … " He laughed a moment before she did . She scrawled another note to the floor manager , who would probably be able to find the right person to get the charges fixed . She stayed on the phone with him for an hour , her accent fading as she talked . When his friend arrived , she let him go . " Good luck , Leonard , " she said . She pushed the white button on her phone , and dropped her head to her desk . Lizette and the floor manager and a few other people who had realized what was going on started applauding and patting her on the back for her work . Carissa got the rest of the night off after that . When the buzz had died down and the floor manager told everyone to get back to their phones , Carissa carefully put the photograph of her mother back in her purse , squeezed Lizette 's shoulder as she walked out , and left the call center . ZeffCon 2011 was packed . The Allenhurst Civic Center had been chosen because last year 's con couldn 't fit into the Eldewylde Hotel that had hosted it for the years previous . The con 's organizers were , of course , thrilled , since a bigger place meant more attention , more participants , and of course , bigger guests . Roger Tillman had grown to be one of the most popular new authors of fantasy and science fiction in the last ten years , and the competition to get tickets for the speech was fierce . If she hadn 't gotten in , Katrina would have had to approach him somewhere else in the con to pick his brains . As it was , she could do it from her fifth - row seat at her leisure . Her talents did come in handy sometimes . The man next to her had a song running through his head that was beginning to get on her nerves . She carefully blocked him out and focused on the large woman sitting next to her , who seemed desperately trying to think of an alternative to the only question she could think of to ask Tillman when he did his signing . Katrina dug a little deeper - " Where do you get your ideas ? " She sighed and pulled out of the woman 's head . The first time she 'd done it was at a convention in San Diego fifteen years ago . She met a middling mystery author there , whose sales were slumping . While Katrina poured on the praise for the woman 's books , she took her first peek into the depths of an author 's mind . She 'd always been a " peeker , " as she called herself , ever since she started to hear what people were thinking back when she was a little girl . She couldn 't help herself back then - she was curious , and people were just loud . But as she got older , she got better at going in and finding what she wanted . She found it really useful for remembering names , for one , and it made her sales job at the time a lot easier to do . What she really wanted to do , though , was write . Ever since high school , she 'd tried writing short stories and novels , and what she came up with were stories that she ended up hiding in a drawer and forgetting about . Her ideas , she thought , weren 't any good . What she needed , then , were good ideas . And what better place to find them than in the heads of people who 'd proven they could write ? In the end , though , she found it much less exotic than she 'd thought . This author had her ideas cluttered about like a musty basement . Dull plots and half - formed characters , a title or a first line or two . Things she was probably working on but wasn 't ready to publish yet . Works in progress and works that would probably never get finished . This woman 's mind was a mess . Katrina looked a little deeper , into the shadows of the woman 's mind , and it was there that she found what she would look for in every writer 's mind afterward . She found the seed of an idea . The grain of sand that would make a pearl , given time and effort . Katrina turned the idea over in her hands and examined it . There was something there about a house where a child was kept in the basement … a father who pretended she wasn 't his … a boy next door ? It would do . Katrina took the idea back with her and retreated back into her own mind . She thanked the author for her time and her signature and headed back to her hotel room . A few hours later and she had the book plotted out in her head . Just the rough outline , with a few important steps to it , but it was there . A few months of work and she 'd produced her first novel , Groundling Child , which was published a year to the day after her meeting at the convention . She 'd published it under a pseudonym - Paula Grant - just in case the original author came looking for her . But she never did . As far as Katrina could tell , she never knew that the idea had been stolen at all . Emboldened , Katrina started visiting more cons and meeting more authors . Each time , she found a seed , a germ of a story idea and took it back with her . Before she knew it , she was writing every day , and selling one or two books a year , in addition to short stories . The critics didn 't rave , but people bought them and within a few years she could go to any airport bookstore and see some Paula Grant novels on the shelves . If she had time , and the clerk was busy , she would stealth - sign them . They usually showed up on internet auction sites and got a good price , since the elusive author had never appeared publicly to promote her books . But where Paula was something of a mystery , Katrina had become a familiar face at conventions around the country . Anywhere a famous author would show up , Katrina would be there . If she could , she 'd even volunteer so that she 'd have an even better chance at getting a face - to - face meeting . This time , though , she 'd had to settle for just being a member of the audience . The lights dimmed , and one of the con 's organizers came out to say how honored they were to have the world famous fantasy / science fiction giant speak at their convention . " Ladies and Gentlemen : Roger Tillman ! " The audience went crazy , of course . Some people already had copies of his latest book in hardcover and were waving them in the air as he came to the stage and waited out the applause . " Thank you , " he said . " Thank you . " He said it a few more times before the crowd calmed down . " Wow , " he said . " I never expected such a reception . They told me that ZeffCon crowds were the best , and I guess they were right . " Katrina screened out everyone around her . The fat woman was just thinking , Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod over and over again . Shutting her out was like pressing against a wind - blown door , but Katrina managed to do it . She wanted peace and quiet in her head before she went into his . The speech would give her more than enough time to look around , poke into the dark corners and see what she could find . Nobody ever seemed to notice her rifling through their mind , and time seemed to go differently in there as it was . He was telling some story about how he got started , but Katrina just let it wash over her . She concentrated on a point just between his eyebrows , past the steel - rimmed glasses he was wearing . And she pushed . She recoiled back into her own mind and looked up at him with wide eyes . He seemed to have recovered from his verbal stumble and was back to talking about his high school English teacher , but she knew - she knew that he had felt her go in . And she was pretty sure he knew who she was . Katrina picked up her jacket and whispered , " Excuse me " as she moved past the other convention - goers . The looks they gave her were anywhere from shocked to annoyed , and if she was listening she would have heard them think some very nasty thoughts . But she 'd closed all the doors and windows , as it were , and got out of the main hall as fast as she could . The rest of the con was sparsely attended during the keynote . She made her way to the art room before she found a place to sit down and gather her thoughts and figure out her options . It had been dark in that hall . He probably didn 't get a good look at her face , and so he probably wouldn 't be able to pick her out of a crowd by sight . But if he was anything like her , he might not need to see her . He might be able to find her no matter where she went . She started going through her bag to find her hotel key when she felt a certain … pressure coming towards her . It was like a noise , but not a noise . Like a wave that was coming in from far away when you went to the beach , but not quite that either . It was the way the wind changed before a storm or a song started to build before it reached a crescendo . By the time she realized what it was , it was too late . When he saw her , he grinned , and that beacon switched off instantly . The feeling of pressure vanished , and Katrina put a hand to her head . He stopped a few steps away . " Wow , " he said . He was smiling madly and couldn 't seem to keep still . " Just … wow . " He jerked a thumb over his shoulder . " I had to say that I wasn 't feeling well and cut the speech short , but I assured them they loved what they 'd heard . " He tapped his temple and winked . " It 's just that … " His voice dropped to a whisper , and this handsome man looked like a kid for a moment . " It 's just that I 've never met anyone like me before . I couldn 't let you get away . " He reached out for her , but she shrank back . " Thank you , " she said . " But I really didn 't mean to … do that . I just wanted to … " She couldn 't finish the sentence . She shook her head . " No , " she said . " No , I 've never met anyone either . " She didn 't dare look him in the eye , for fear that she 'd reveal what she was trying to do . She 'd read his books and loved them , and idea - borrowing aside , she looked up to him as a fellow writer . No . As a writer . There was no " fellow " about it , of that she was sure . She was pretty certain that he didn 't pluck ideas out of people 's heads , and that would make all the difference . " I have to go , " she said . She picked up her bag and tried to smile . " It was very nice meeting you , Mr . Tillman . I … I have to go . " She turned to leave , and that 's when she felt his hand on her shoulder . She was running through a forest . It was deep and dark , and the bundle in her arms was moving . " Hush , " she said to it . She leaped with long , strong legs over fallen trees , and the wind rushed through her hair . There was no other sound but her footsteps and her breathing . She couldn 't see him , but she knew he was chasing . He was a force unto himself , tearing the great trees out by the roots as he pursued her . Great vines spiraled down from the trees , and she had to slice through them with her dagger before they could grab hold . She held the bundle tightly to her chest as she jumped across a chasm that opened up in front of her , curled up in a ball to fly through a wall of flame , and rolled back to her feet on the sand - swept desert floor . Spikes of stone and brick shot up around her , blocking her path . A great whirlwind dropped from the swirling clouds overhead and moved as she moved . From behind , she could hear him . " Never ! " she screamed , and she held the squirming bundle close . " You can 't have it ! " Iron chains erupted from the ground , wrapping around her legs , her arms , her shoulders , and dragging her down . She held on as tightly as she could , but when he came close , it was a matter of only a moment before her treasure was revealed to him . It was wrapped in rotting cloth , stained and fouled from years of use . Inside was the dried , rotted corpse of an infant , long dead . Its skin was gray and flaking away , its eyes dark hollows in a fragile skull . Beetles crawled across it and onto her fingers . She screamed and dropped the dead thing to the ground , where it exploded in a puff of dust . Her heart full of rage , she looked up at the man silhouetted by a giant and angry sun and - Roger took his hand away and looked shocked when she spun on him . She glared through tear - filled eyes and then looked away . There was a small crowd gathering . " Wait , " he said quietly . " That 's it ? " He started to smile , but the tears running down her face were enough to set him straight again . " Katrina - Paula , that 's your big secret ? " He took a step back , and this time he did smile . " Katrina , I bought two of your books in the airport to read on my trip . " She glanced up at him . " Seriously - they 're in my bag right now . " He took her hand in his , and she flinched . Nothing else happened , though . " They 're really good , Katrina . " " No ! " She pulled her hands away and dropped her voice to a whisper . " I found those ideas in other people 's heads . I went in and I took them and I wrote some books . " She wiped her eyes . " But they 're not really mine . " Roger turned around and leaned against the wall . " Katrina , " he said . " Ideas are … " He wave a hand in the air . " Ideas are a dime a dozen . People have ideas all the time , and they ignore them or throw them away or let them fade . Any schmuck can have an idea . " He stood up straight and looked her in the eyes . " What makes you a writer is what you do with the ideas . You did the hard work . You put in the time and the energy to write them . You figured out the characters and papered over the plot holes and wrote and re - wrote . " He chuckled . " Believe me , I know what it takes to put a book out , and I know you did the grunt work . " " Look , " he said . " I get ideas from all over the place . A word on the street , a phrase in a song , a weird sign or a guy in a restaurant or just some bizarre combination of thoughts . That doesn 't mean they aren 't mine , and it doesn 't mean the stories I write aren 't mine either . " He shrugged . " Okay , so what you 're doing might not be the most ethical thing in the world , true . But I 'll tell you this : the woman who wrote those books can get her ideas from anywhere she wants , as far as I 'm concerned . " He laughed . " Who would believe me ? However , " he said after a pause , " it might make a good short story . " He winked . She smiled , despite herself . She lifted a hand to wave . See you . The crowd followed him out of the art room , a few people lingering to see who this woman might be that had caught his interest . Katrina smiled at them and took up her bag . Adam refilled his date 's wine and took a moment to notice how lovely she looked in the low lighting of the restaurant . She had curves to her , which he loved , and skin that seemed to glow in candlelight . Her eyes were as dark as her long , curling hair , and she always seemed to be waiting for the punchline to a joke that he didn 't know . Carlana grinned around the rim of the glass . " Ah . " She put it down and leaned forward . " But what you do not know is that I have spent years building up an immunity to iocane powder . " Their laughter drew attention from the other tables , but they didn 't notice . They were having too much fun . His brother had set them up together after Adam had gone through a long spell of being single . He hadn 't minded , really . Being single had its perks . The free schedule , the lack of a need to clean all the time or close the door when he peed . But after a while the quiet and the solitude had gotten to him , so he 'd asked Marv if he knew anyone . The result was what was turning out to be the best first date he 'd ever had . She shrugged . " No more than any other job , really . There are some tough days , and it can be a little much being The Girl sometimes … " He could hear the capital letters she put on it and could only imagine . He worked at a small bookstore , and was the only guy there . But other than being the one person who seemed to be able to get heavy things off of high shelves , he hadn 't really noticed any kind of strangeness to it . He knew some gamers , though , and he could easily picture how they 'd devolve around a gorgeous woman like this . She put her glass down . " Oh , you 're not one of those , are you ? " He almost thought she was serious for a moment . " Because if you are , then I think we 're done here . " " No , no , no , " he said . " I assure you . I figure them all out on my own , bleeding from the eyes or no . " There was a small blue panda bear hovering about a foot above his head . He reached up and grabbed it by the neck , dragging it down in front of his face . " Shut up ! " he whispered . " I am trying to have a date ! " Adam wanted to scream . " That 's the kind of advice I really don 't need right now ! " He let the bear go , and it hovered just out of arm 's reach . " You do that , and there 's pressure on me . There 's pressure on me , and I start to get nervous and nobody 's getting anything ! " He had to drop his voice back down to a hoarse whisper . " Got it ? " " Kid , I 'm your spirit guide . I know everything you need to know , and I 'm telling you - she 's ready to go . " The panda spun to face him and made little thrusting jabs with its hips . " You play it right and you can leave that porno folder closed for once . " Adam leaned his head against the tiles and counted his breaths . He 'd had the panda for a few months now , and the fun of it was starting to wear thin . He had no idea where it came from , or why it chose him , but from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep - and as far as he knew , all night - this little blue panda was there . Telling him what he should do in all kinds of situations . Talking to his boss , buying furniture , walking around the city . The bear didn 't always talk - most of the time it just hung out , doing whatever it was spirit guides did when they weren 't guiding . When it did talk , though , it was pretty insistent on getting its way . The bear shrugged . " Well , yeah . Fine . But it 's my job to offer advice , so that 's what I 'm gonna do . " It tapped its wrist . " She 's probably wondering where you are , by the way . Every minute you spend arguing with me is a five percent decrease in your chances of doing the nasty anytime soon . " " See ? That 's the kind of thing I 'm talking about ! " Adam 's words were coming out in a hoarse rush . " I 'm gonna go out there , and have a nice time with a lovely girl , and if anything happens , then it happens and if it doesn 't then it doesn 't and I don 't need you or anyone else nagging me about it . Okay ? " He jabbed the flush button for the toilet . " Now shut . The hell . Up ! " Adam took a deep breath and forced on a smile . " First date jitters , " he said . " Nothing to it . " He took his hands out of the sink and let the water shut off . The desert lowland was full of cars , stacked on on top of the other . Some of the stacks were of only a few cars , others more . Their flaking paint and broken windows gleamed in the setting sun . A disordered pile of cars shifted and lurched , and a late - model Tulay pickup lifted out of the mess and started to float over to a tall stack of cars nearby . This stack was fifteen cars high already , and swaying dangerously . Broken glass and metal littered the site around it , as well as cars that had been destroyed beyond recognition . The pickup floated slowly to the top of the stack , where it paused and then very gently settled down on top . In a tent set up some distance away , a girl with long , braided red hair collapsed into a folding chair to the applause of the men in suits gathered around her . One of them gave her a cup of water , which she swallowed immediately , and then gave her another . She was sweating and slouched in the chair taking deep , heaving breaths with her eyes closed , but under the exhaustion , there was a definitely look of accomplishment on her face . The man who gave her the water put a hand on her shoulder . " Great work , Carly , " he said . " I mean it . Really good . " She opened her eyes and smiled up at him . " I didn 't think I was going to make that last one , Martin " she said . " I seriously thought the whole thing was going to come down . Again . " " Well , you did a fine job . You should be proud . " He patted her on the shoulder again and then left to talk to some of the men in suits . They let her sit there for a while . She looked out at the sunset while she caught her breath and felt the warm glow of achievement . True , stacking cars wasn 't the most complicated thing she 'd had to do , but they 'd set her at it all day . Two cars , three cars , five … As many as she could . Martin had said this was a test that the facilities administrators had come up with , but he couldn 't exactly explain what it was they were testing . In the end , all she could do was shrug and stack the cars . She tried not to think of home too much , if she could . She had been training at this facility now for , what was it ? Five years ? Six ? She knew why , too . They told her almost every day . It was vital that she be able to control her powers . That she not hurt anyone else ever again . That she not kill anyone else ever again . That still got to her . She 'd never meant to kill anyone . Not ever . But they told her that she did . And not just a few , either . The number was enough to make her stomach clench and steel her resolve . She would train as hard has she had to , as long as she had to , as long as it meant that she wouldn 't be a danger to anyone . If that meant stacking cars in the desert all day , then so be it . But still … she was starting to forget things from home . Her mother 's face . She wondered what her little brother was doing , if he was in high school yet . That reminded her that she would have graduated by now . Her friends were probably all in college . Some place she 'd never go . Somehow , she thought " trained for five years in a government facility out in the desert " wouldn 't look good on her admissions paperwork . They took down the tent and folded up the chairs and decided to leave the cars where they were for the moment . Carly figured that her next task would probably be taking them down again , and maybe taking them apart . Or crushing them into little balls . Or making sculptures out of them . She never knew what the next test would be , and Martin confided in her once that he didn 't know either . He just got the framework in his email every night and had until morning to make sure he knew what she was supposed to do . After a short ride back to the facility , all Carly wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed . No matter how it looked , lifting cars with your mind all day was tough , tiring work . But it certainly was better than she could have done even a year ago , and that in itself was something to be proud of . One of the staff , a young man in over - large glasses , met her when she got off the mini - bus . " Miss Siminsky ? " he said . " Deputy Director Stassi would like to see you . " She sighed . So much for shower and bed . " All right , " she said . She followed the young man . She 'd only met the Deputy Director a few times , and she didn 't like him much . He talked to her like she was a bomb that was about to go off . A slightly stupid bomb , at that . But he was the connection to the outside world that she 'd need to get out someday . He worked with the Secretary of National Security , and if anyone could get her home it would be him . She closed the door of the office behind her , and Director Stassi stood up behind his desk . " Miss Siminsky , " he said with a broad smile on his face . His eyes darted to the corner of the office where a camera had been installed , and it ruined the attitude . " Thank you for coming . Please , have a seat . " Director Stassi sat behind the desk . He was sweating slightly , but she took no notice of it . " Miss Siminsky , " he said , " I heard about your performance this afternoon . I must say that I 'm very impressed , and I 'm sure the Secretary will be just as thrilled as I was . " His smile had too many teeth in it . His smile slipped a little and he cleared his throat . " Um . I have just a one thing to go over with you and I 'll let you go . But , um . I 'm afraid it 's a bit of bad news . " That caught her attention , and she sat up straight . A dozen different scenarios unspooled in her head , each of them worse than the last . " What is it ? " she said . She noticed the pictures on the wall behind the Director start to shake and she willed them to stop before he realized what was going on . Director Stassi folded his hands in front of him . " Miss Siminsky , I know you 've been asking about when you can … you can go home . " He ran a hand through his hair , and then tried to rub the sweat off on his jacket sleeve . If he was trying to look calm , he was failing utterly . " I hate to be the one to break it to you , Miss Siminsky , I really do . And I hope you understand that I 'm just the messenger here … " " You killed a lot of people , Miss Siminsky , " he said . " And you terrified a lot more . " He took a deep breath . " Including your mother . " He stood up as well , and took a small black voice recorder out of his jacket pocket . " To be frank , Miss Siminsky , your mother is … afraid of what you might do if you come home . We tried to reassure her that you were getting better , that you were gaining control , but … " He put the voice recorder on the desk . " This is what she said to us . " He pressed play . A voice came out , muffled by traveling along a phone signal , but unmistakably her mother 's voice . " My daughter is a monster , " she said , " and I hate to think what she could do if she was free . Keep her away from everyone . Keep her away from me and my family . " Director Stassi 's hand shook as he picked up the voice recorder and it crumbled in his hand . He looked up sharply at Carly , and then slammed against the wall . " Carly ! " he yelled in a strained voice . " Please , Carly let me - " His voice choked off and his eyes went wide as he pressed against the wall . His ribs popped and cracked and blood began to run out of his mouth and nose . Bruises blossomed on his skin as blood vessels burst , shards of bone began to jab out , slicking through his suit , and his whole body started to flatten out . His skull made a great cracking sound as it shattered , blood and brains bursting out around him . Carly let him fall to the floor , and she turned slowly in the air in the middle of the room . The walls started to shake , and cracks burst open in the floor and the walls . The lights went out and sparks began to fly from broken electrical cables , and Carly raised her hands in front of her . Her senses stretched out around her . She felt the walls and the floors of the facility , a labyrinthine structure that extended deep into the desert . She felt as though she was in every place at once , all the rooms and all the walls , and if she just clenched her fists then the place would crumble . Everyone in this viper 's nest would die , and then she would be free . If that was what it took , then - The pump they 'd implanted under her skin vibrated as it dumped sedative into her bloodstream . Carly screamed in rage and frustration as she felt the drug take hold , and the office walls exploded around her , splinters flying like lethal missiles . None of which touched her . She dropped to the floor as the shaking stopped , and she wept . Her hands were clean against the filthy , broken floor , until a small rivulet of blood made its way to her littlest finger . She tried to pull her hand away , but she couldn 't find the energy . She heard shouting , but it was from so far away that she didn 't care anymore . All she could do was slump to the floor and cry . When Carly woke up , she was in her bed . In restraints . She still felt … fuzzy around the edges . The pump in her side vibrated once , and she closed her eyes again . When she did , the mangled body of Director Stassi was in front of her , slowly being crushed by a force he couldn 't see and couldn 't understand . A while later , Martin came into the room , and she tried to sit up . " No , " he said . " Don 't do that . The restraints won 't … " He grimaced . " Just relax . " He had the clipboard he always carried , but he didn 't look at it . He just stared at her for a while before he said , " How are you feeling ? " He nodded . " Yeah . " She squeezed her eyes shut and took a few deep breaths . " Don 't worry , " he said . " They understand you were … upset . " Martin sat in the chair by her bedside and took her hand . " Carly , I am so , so sorry . I can 't begin to imagine … " This time he did look at his clipboard . " Well , we 're letting you have a break for a while . To , um . Process . " He flipped a sheet over . " You 'll have a counselor come to see you in about half an hour . Ms . Hilbert . " He looked over at her and smiled , but it didn 't have much effect . " She 's really nice . You 'll like her . " Martin looked at his printouts again . " And we 're going to set you to work on some more precision tasks later . When you 're … when you 're ready . " Carly didn 't move . She didn 't nod . She didn 't say anything . After a minute or two , Martin excused himself and left the room , closing the door quietly . There was an emptiness in her mind . A greyness . A dull hum that blocked out other sounds . She just stared at the wall across from her , and every time a thought came to her mind , she shoved it away . Finally , though , there was one thought that she couldn 't keep down . It ran through her head , a single loop over and over again . We got a great deal for it , too . Even in this day and age , people have a thing about buying a house where - allegedly - the dead still walk and unquiet spirits roam free to terrorize the living . A good haunting knocks at least ten percent off the list price . More if it was due to something particularly gruesome . I certainly wouldn 't make light of it . That kind of crime is … well , it 's unthinkable . In this city , his name is pretty much the go - to name for parental horror . Fourteen kids . He buried thirteen of them in the basement floor . The story goes that after the police raided the house , killing Heckle in a shootout , one of the officers found boy number fourteen . It 's said that the cop was so horrified by what he saw that he put a bullet in the kid 's head right before he put one in his own . So yeah , this house has a history , and our agent tried to steer us away from it good and hard . But let 's face facts here . Hardwood floors aren 't easy to come by , and for all his horror , Heckle kept the place in great condition . Even after all these years , it doesn 't need nearly as much work as some of the other places we looked at . But here 's the thing : there 's no such thing as ghosts . There 's no such thing as a permanent evil stain that resides in a place after the perpetrator is gone . Bloodstains , yes , but those were ripped out by one of the previous owners . But Ari and I were very firm on this when the broker brought it up , when the neighbors came around to welcome us to the neighborhood , when our parents called because they 'd found out where we were living : there were no such thing as ghosts , and there was nothing there except the two of us . We were , of course , wrong . But I 've always said that 's the hallmark of a true skeptical thinker : when presented with evidence that inescapably , undeniably disproves your position , you have to abandon it and take up another . It just took us a while to figure it out . " Huh , " he said . " There were wet footprints all over the bathroom . I thought that maybe you … " He stopped in the middle of his thought and then shrugged . " Probably nothing , " he said . It was pretty textbook , really . Doors would close that we had left opened . I 'd come downstairs and all the drawers in the kitchen would be sticking out . The TV would turn on in the middle of the night . And we had logical , rational reasons for each and every one of those occurrences . If it wasn 't the house settling or warped wood or a short circuit , it was probably just our own faulty memory leading us down the garden path . To our credit , neither one of us even thought about blaming a ghost . She was supposed to stay for a week while she visited some friends in the city . She lasted very nearly twenty - four hours . As she threw her things back into a suitcase the morning after she arrived , she said , " I will not stay in this house a moment longer than I have to . " She spun at me and pointed an accusing finger at me . " And neither should you ! " Her eyes rolled from one corner of the room to the other . " There 's evil in this house , Savannah . I saw it with my own eyes . " I sat on the bed . " Really , mom ? " I asked . I tried very hard to keep a condescending tone out of my voice , but judging by her narrowed eyes I was pretty sure I failed . " I woke up in the middle of the night , " she said . " I heard something that sounded like crying . So I got up , and right there - " She pointed to a space next to the bedroom door . " Right there , as clear as I see you , Savannah , I saw a little boy . He was curled up in a ball and crying . " Her eyes started to shine , and that 's when I started to get worried . My mother has always been a paragon of self - restraint , and for her to get emotional like this would take a lot . Ghost or no ghost , she thought she saw something , and it really disturbed her . She went back to the suitcase and snapped it shut . " That sounds fine , " she said . " But I want you and Ari to get out of here . This is not a good place to raise a family , Savannah . " I very nearly rose to that argument , which was an old one . I wanted to have kids , but I just didn 't think we were in a good enough position to raise any . Ari 's teaching salary was low enough , and I wasn 't making a whole lot as a copy editor for an ad company . We had decided to put off having children until we were sure we could take care of them , and that didn 't look like it was going to happen anytime soon . No matter what my mother wanted . Pretty soon , the strange became the normal . There were no bleeding walls or portals to hell in the closets . Just little things - a toothbrush out of place one morning , all my clothes off hangars the next . Nothing dangerous , but a lot of minor annoyances that we learned to deal with . And we never , not so much as once , blamed it on ghosts . We were enlightened people , after all . It was during Thursday night TV . Ari and I were on the sofa , as usual . He was grading essays , I was watching a police drama when the TV snapped off , as did the lights . " Aw , hell , " he said . He handed me the essays , got up , and headed to the kitchen . He came back a few moments later with a couple of flashlights and his cell phone . " It 's always something , " he said . He called the power company , and they said they 'd look into it , but they hadn 't gotten any other reports of a power outage . Indeed , when I looked outside , all the other houses seemed fine . He was naked and white and glowing . Dark hair nearly covered eyes that looked blankly out of a face that seemed to be observing Ari with curiosity as my husband graded essays by flashlight . I hate to say it , because it makes me sound like a character in a bad horror movie - I screamed . Ari jumped up , dropping the essays on the floor , and when he saw me and looked where I was looking , he screamed too . We stood there , holding each other , yelling over and over again wordless syllables of horror and shock . This boy - this thing - was in our house . What was worse , if he was what we thought he was , then he was proof that all we thought we knew was a lie . A few minutes later , the ghost was actually looking bored . He leaned up against the sofa , his chin in his hands and his blank eyes on us . We were terrified , unable to move . Nothing we had ever experienced had prepared us for something like this . The boy sighed , and walked through the sofa , which made me feel sick to my stomach just to watched . Then , casually , he sat down . It was hard to tell , but he looked about eleven or twelve , but of course was probably much older , if such a concept applied to things like him . " Look , " he said . " If you 're going to just stand there and freak out , this is going to be a long night . So why don 't you take a seat and we can talk . " He patted the sofa cushion next to him . I wish I could say that I drew myself up and faced my fear . That I put reason over emotion and vowed to face this thing head - on , whether it was a ghost or something entirely different . I wish I could say that I was brave . The boy sitting on the edge of my bed was like the first one , only a little heavier . He was tapping his foot against the floor and had a look of impatience on his face . He stood up and came towards me , and I backed up against the bedroom door . A few feet away , he stopped , put his hands on his hips and said , " So . You gonna help us , or what ? " |
Much thanks to Marie S . Nielson , from Southern Utah University , who transcribed the audio in January 2000 . Without her help , it is highly unlikely that we would have this story in text format today . There is a copy of the original transcription at Southern Utah University [ OH 1099 - T ] Russell Thomas McMullin ( grandson of Lynn McMullin ) retyped the text in April 2002 from a hard copy of Marie S . Nielson 's transcription . This was done initially to make the text more accessible to family members over the Internet . Russell made minor spelling and punctuation changes at this point , and wanted to check the accuracy against the audio . In May 2002 , using the typed copy as a guide , along with the audio , he edited the text quite a bit . He changed the punctuation to be more faithful to the flow of the audio . He " uncorrected " grammar and spelling to match the colloquial speech . He also joined some words into contractions , and added many words which had been omitted ( mostly minor , like " And , " and " So , " at the beginnings of sentences ) . This process has made the text more faithful to the original audio . First , I 'd like to tell you about the trip I made from Leeds , Utah to Clay Springs , Arizona , in the latter part of December , 1924 . I had made all preparation for coming out with a team and wagon by way of Lee 's Ferry . I had my horses all shod up and everything made ready , but the weather was so threatening , and getting so late in the season I decided that it might be best and safer for me to load an automobile with provisions and make the trip across , around by Needles , California . Well , the first day from home I think I came to St . George , Utah , stayed with my uncle and brother , and then the next day I think I must have left about on the 20th , 19th or 20th of November . And , the next day from St . George I went to Needles , California and stopped there for the night . On my way from St . George to Needles I noticed some people walking along through the desert . And I felt sorry for them ; decided maybe I should pick them up and give them a chance to ride . The first one I ran on to that was walking was a young fellow , I would say around 30 years of age ; and a big husky fellow . But I had plenty of room in the front seat for him so I asked him if he 'd like to ride . Course , them days things weren 't like they are now , it didn 't seem like , and I wanted to help him along , some way . But after I had gotten him in the car I hadn 't gone but a few miles until I came on to a real old , fragile man and his son walking along the highway . They looked like they were really destitute and poor . I didn 't know what to do . I couldn 't haul them all . So I just had to pass them up and go on with the hopes that someone behind would give them a chance to ride . I had a cousin that I knew was behind me , who was coming from Idaho . And so I told this man that I picked up that I was expecting my cousin to catch up with me any minute ' cause I didn 't know what kind of a man he was , and I didn 't know what he might try to do , and I wanted to impress him that , if he should try anything , that [ if ] my cousin come along he would know the outfit and know who it belonged to . So he didn 't try anything . He seemed to be peacable enough . But , when I got into Needles , California , I had to find a place to stop , and a place to store my truck , cause I had . . . my . . not truck but my touring car , because I had it filled , loaded real full [ of ] our provisions . I had flour and meat of all kinds , bottled fruits and so on . And I had to get it in where it 'd be safe so I went to a garage and parked my car in the garage and It began raining . It had been real dry on the trip until I got down to Needles . It began raining real hard and just a steady downpour of rain . And . . . so I knew I had to park the car in the garage , out of the storm . When I . . . I happened to know before I came to Needles , that there was a boy from St . George by the name of Snow , Rulon Snow . He was down there on a mission for the church , The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - Day Saints . And He had a companion who was from Idaho . I 've forgotten what town he was from , but I did know at the time . And so I was in hopes that I would find Mr . Snow , ' cause I hadn 't traveled much and I was rather timid and backward about getting around that way . And lo and behold , I had told my wife , she was out in Arizona at the time , I had sent her and the two little children out in September , and so I told her by letter that when I left , that every day I would write her a card or a note and tell where I was stopping , what town and what place , so that if anything happened that she would be able to start from there to find out where I was and what had happened . I thought that was a good policy and made me feel a little more safe , secure . But this man that I had piAnd the next day , the next morning I left Needles , headed for Kingman and on out toward Flagstaff [ Arizona ] . And I think , as I remember , if my memory serves me right , I went from Needles up to , it could have been Peach Springs or Seligman , Arizona , and I camped there , got a room . And the next day I went on toward Flagstaff , and while I was traveling along the road , the roads , there was no black cap [ ? ] at that time . The roads were just graded and graveled . And it come a terrible onslaught of rain . And in traveling through this terrible rain storm , my . . . the wheels , the front wheels were throwing water up onto the distributor , and I finally , the car stopped on me and so I managed to get it off on the side of the road to where it wouldn 't be in the road and travel . And a man from California , young fellow , came along in a car and he see I was having trouble , and he asked me if he could help me . I told him yes , my car had stopped on me and I didn 't know for sure what was wrong . So he said , he looked the car over , and he said , " Your trouble is a wet distributor . " He said , " It 's the wheels have threw water up on it ' til it 's so wet it can 't operate or function " . So he had a tow rope It was made of manilla [ an alloy ? ] rope and inserted with steel wire . So he said if I wanted him to he 'd hitch on to me and pull me on into Ash Fork . I told him I 'd appreciate it very much , and I 'd be willing to pay him . So he hitched on , and in hitching the tow rope on , he put it around the radius rod and around the axle , and the rope got all wet and when it drew up so tight , I couldn 't hardly steer the car , and he was taking me down the road about forty or fifty mile an hour . And I was never so glad of anything in my life when he got me to Ash Fork because I could 've had a wreck very easily . And I couldn 't imagine what was the matter with my front end of my car , that it wouldn 't , I couldn 't steer it and make it work like it should . So we got into Ash Fork along about dark , and I put it in the garage , and it was a very cold night that night , And there had come a snow storm that night . And it wasn 't too deep at Ash Fork , but it was two or three inches deep there . I then , I was the first person out on the road that next morning . I was anxious to get through to Clay Springs , and to my family , get through the bad weather . So I started on alone , and early in the morning , and the farther I got towards Williams , Arizona , the deeper the snow became . And just as I got to where I could top over the hill , just before I topped over the summit into Williams , the snow was so deep that the automobile was pushing snow in front of it . And I went as far as I could go without my chains , and I had a shovel , and I had good chains . And so I got out and shoveled the snow away from the hind wheels , and put the chains down and backed upon onto the chains . But I had quite an experience , something I hadn 't ever witnessed before . I went to buckle the chain buckles . I 'd been wearing some big bear hide gloves , very warm and comfortable . But I couldn 't manipulate the buckles with those gloves on , so I had to take them off , and when I went to pick the chain up and buckle it , it stuck to my hands and I couldn 't hardly get it loose . It 's quite an experience , something I had never witnessed before in my lifetime . In fact , I hadn 't ever seen zero weather before , that I knew of . And so I got the chains on and the old car would almost climb a tree if it could get traction . It was a good old car , a [ ? ] . I went on into Williams and I guess there must have been 200 cars parked there in Williams that was stranded in the storm . And there was me and one other young fellow , was in a 1923 model Ford . And he and I were the only ones that could travel the road . The big Pierce Arrows , and Cadillacs , and all those high powered cars at that time were stranded along the side of the road in the bog . They 'd stayed off of the grade and couldn 't go . But I happened to have a good load on my car , and those chains on , and so I made it on into Flagstaff that night . And I went to Pine Hotel in Flagstaff and paThe next morning , well I 'll have to tell you about the icicles . The icicles at the depot were hanging from the eve down to the ground . And I think they were about as big as a person 's leg . They was the most peculiar sight I 'd ever seen in the line of icicles . And , I think it was nineteen below zero that night there , what they said . The next morning I went to mail a card to my wife , to tell her where I was and that I was going to start on that morning . And as I went out walking on the pavement , my feet actually stuck to the pavement , my shoes . Then my nostrils froze up ' til I couldn 't hardly breathe ; something I 'd never witnessed before in my whole lifetime . So I got the , the old car was good to start . And it had lots of power . And so , it was so cold I put a quilt over the car when I first started it up , so it 'd warm up , put a quilt over the hood . And I hadn 't gone very far ' til it got so warm I had to get off and take the quilt off . ' Cause it warmed up in a hurry . So I went on then from Flagstaff into Taylor , Arizona . I went to my sister - in - law , Rhody Wakefield 's place , and , well I didn 't know but what maybe my wife might be there . They did a lot of visiting back and forth , and I thought she might actually be down from Clay Springs . And so I stopped there to see if she was there . And so Rhody 's oldest daughter , Grace , she said she 'd like to go on up to Clay Springs with me if I 'd let her . I had plenty of room in the front seat for a passenger . So I told her she was perfectly welcome to go ; I 'd be glad to take her along . So we got up to Pinedale , and just before we got to Pinedale we encountered quite a lot of mud and I got through a big mud hole and then for some reason the motor stopped on me and it rolled back in . Well , it was in the bog so bad I was unable to put my chains on to get out , and it wouldn 't come out otherwise . So , we had to abandon the car and leave it there , and we walked up to Pinedale in about four inches of snow , four or five . And so I went to [ old ] Brother Thomas 's residence to see if I could get somebody to take us on over to Clay Springs . And he didn 't have any way to go , and it was getting dark . But he said he 'd be glad to let us have a place to sleep , and stop over with him until morning . So we did . And he had a nice old saddle horse . The next morning he told me to get on that horse and go over to Clay Springs and get some help . There wasn 't any phone service between Pinedale and Clay Springs at that time . So I did . I went over , and my wife , at that time was , the children were staying with her sister Nell , and Ammon Hunt . So Ammon Hunt , and Wilford Perkins , and Ben Perkins , and Olly [ ? ] Davis all got in a little truck that Ammon had . We all got in the truck and went over and got the automobile out of the bog , and I brought it over . Well that 's the experience I had in coming out with the automobile . And had I started with my teams , I would have frozen on the road because there was a lot of cowboys and sheep men , and Indians , and so forth that froze out on the Navajo reservation , along through that route . So I was grateful for deciding , that I had decided to come by automobile and wait ' til spring to make the trip with my team . [ trip with horse team ] And so I went on in there and the next spring , in about the fore part of April , I took the bus and went back to my home town to get my team and wagon , and the rest of our furniture and provisions . I had all the load I could pile on a big three and a half Peter Shepler [ ? ] wagon . But I had a splendid good outfit , and the wagon was brand new . My horses were all brand new horses , and sort of broncos , but they were , they weren 't old horses , cripples or anything . So , I spent a couple of days loading this wagon . I had to put things in , and then take ' em out , and rearrange the loading so that I could get in as much of my stuff as I could . But I had to finally leave with my little bit of my furniture . And so I had made arrangements with my cousin . He was a boy about 16 years old , and I 'd made arrangements for him to come along with me and then I 'd send him back by rail , back to home . But when it come to the show - down , he backed out and it left me all alone . So my brother - in - law had a pure - blood English Shepherd dog that he wanted to . . . they didn 't need her , so he told me to take [ Polo Hoots ? ] , that was her name , take her along , she 'd be company for me . And she 'd give me a warning if anyone tried to get around in the night or any time . So he tied her , he put a rope on her ; tied her under the front axle of the wagon . When I got my teams all hitched up and everything , they was all full of life and raring and tearing to go , and I had to let ' em go . I didn 't want to get ' em mad and have ' em get to acting up on me , and so I just let ' em go . I knew before I got to Arizona that they 'd would be willing to slow down , which they did . But the first night I had to camp at LaVerkin [ Utah ] . That was only about 14 miles from where I started from . But I had boughten a little trailer , a little old rear - end to a little light buggy from my cousin , and I thought it would do to feed my horses in , haul my hay and grain . But it broke down . One of the wheels was just ready to fall down when I got to LaVerkin . My father , however , he was with me on a horse . He come out quite a ways with me . So he and I stopped in LaVerkin , and we camped there . And a man there by the name of Henry Gubler , he had the rear end of a big Studebaker spring wagon that he said he 'd sell to us , so we bought that and put the frame on that big axle , and big wheels , and we had to take a little time to get that done . Then the next day we went up the Hurricane hill , in Hurricane [ Utah ] . And my father went up to the top of the hill with me , on the horse . And after we got up there , then he said he would have to go on back because he had quite a ride to make back home . So , then I came on out and I guess I must have come on out to somewhere around Rattle Snake Spring . As I remember , I camped at Rattle Snake Spring that night , and I was all alone . And the next day I started out toward Fredonia [ Arizona ] , by way of Short Creek . And as I pulled up a hill , one of those big Yellow Ways , was a big bus line that runs from Salt Lake City , out to the Grand Canyon , they passed me on a real bad place and got my horses quite excited . I was afraid maybe I was going to have trouble , but then I got by . Got up to the top , out of the canyon , and it was noon then . I was where I could see Short Creek , but I didn 't get over there . So while I was nooning , there was two young boys , about fourteen , sixteen years old , came to my camp , and lo and behold , one of them was my cousin . His name was Ralph McMullin . He was a son to my Uncle Frank McMullin , my father 's brother . And so , I think they were out hunting as I remember , probably hunting rabbits or something . But then after dinner I hitched up and went over to what they call the Cane Beds . It is a place where there is a ranch there , and some people were living there . And so they let me camp at their ranch and water my horses . Then , the next morning , I started for Pipe Springs . That 's where the big government monument is , there at Pipe Springs , where they had the big barracks and place to fight the Indians . And I went there and I stayed there for noon , and I filled my water barrels up there . There 's a nice spring of water there . In fact , the spring of water comes right out from under the fort . They built it over there so the Indians couldn 't poison the water . So , I came then from there , over to a little east of Fredonia , but I hadn 't started up the Buck Skin Mountains . I just camped down in the low land there for the night . And the next morning then I hitched up and started for Jacob 's Lake . But I was all day long going from that place near Fredonia up to Jacob 's Lake . I never got to Jacob 's Lake until after 1 : 00 a . m . in the morning . The terrible drag up that mountain , ' cause I was loaded heavy . My horses were fresh , but they were working in good . I didn 't have any trouble with them . Then there wasn 't anybody , there was a forest station , forest ranger station there at Jacob 's Lake , and the forest ranger wasn 't there when I got there . There wasn 't anybody there . So I just took my bed roll , took it in on the porch , and made my bed down right by the door . And I didn 't know when he come , he come in the night sometime . But I was so dead to the world ; I didn 't know when he came . So I stayed there that night . Then I went from there . The next day I went from there down on over the mountain to House Rock Valley , down to the ranch there and the spring at the bottom of the hill . Stopped there for noon , but on the way down the mountain I met a man from Salt Lake City . He had a big team of , one was a big mule , and the other was a great big horse for a team . he 'd been out on the reservation to buy jewelry and blankets and what not , pottery . And then there was a little Model - T Ford along with him . And they were making it up the hill pretty good it looked like , when I passed them . Anyway , this man that had the little Ford truck was a man that was living on the Lee 's Ferry Ranch down at the river . And so he told me to go to the ranch and feed my horses and all . I went on down to the ranch there at House Rock , and hadn 't been there but a little while , unhitched for noon , and here come the little boy on a horse . He was with that outfit . He come down and said that his father wanted me to come up with a horse or a team and help him get on up the hill . So I went on up , took one of the best horses I had , got on it , and rode it up there and pulled him up the hill . I didn 't have to pull the Ford , but it was the man that had the team that had to be pulled . I pulled him on up . And so he wanted to know what he owed me . I said , " You don 't owe me anything . " I said , " I 'm a long ways from home . I haven 't got much finance , and I don 't know how much help I 'm going to have to have before I get through . " And I started to go over to get on my horse to go back and he throwed three silver dollars at my , hit me on the back of the legs , and he jumped in his wagon and run off the road . So I naturally picked the dollars up and put ' em in my pocket . And I 'll tell you , it was a blessing in disguise . When I got over the gap - I had to - well , I 'll have to tell you - I 'm going a little ahead of my story . But from that House Rock Valley ranch I went down nearly across the valley for the afternoon . I camped out a little bit north of Badger Creek , or Soap CreeAnd then after I hitched up , then I went from there on up to the Lee 's Ferry Ranch . I got there just as the sun was going down . And they had quite a bit of that nice alphalfa growning . And so they took a scythe and cut all the feed that my horses needed , and fed them good . I had filled up with hay at Fredonia , but it took so much to feed those five head of horses that I was out . So the next morning , just as the sun was coming over the horizon , I started and went on up to the landing where they was operating the ferry boat . And I got up there and the man there running the boat was named Ches Moon , and he had been around , over around Pinedale and Clay Springs and he was on old logging , he drove logging teams and he was a good teamster . But he was a running this ferry boat and so he and I were there all alone . Apparently , there was no one else there . I didn 't see anybody else . So we went down to the edge of the river . The river was just booming ; oh , it was the most scary looking piece of water I 've ever witnessed in all my life . I 'd been over the ocean ; I 'd been over Mississippi , all of those big rivers . But I hadn 't ever seen anything that looked so treacherous [ as ] that Colorado did [ at ] that place . So , this ferry boat had a tail gate on each end . And they just let them down and I drove right across it and up onto the boat with the four - horse outfit . I just left them standing on the boat all hitched up . And I had a little filly , a little filly a following along . One of the horses was its mother . And it followed along . It was real good about getting on the boat . And so when we got across the river he let the front tail gate down , and I tried to drive up the bank , but the horses couldn 't think about pulling it up the bank . So , we took one of the horses off . And they had a big , a big mandrill , a big axle or something , a big round piece of steel that they had drilled holes , and put it down in the solid rock to tie block and tackle to . So he had a big block and tackle . So he put the big block and tackle on this here steel post , and put it on the end of the tongue , and I put the old , we put my old broke mare , the one that was the best trained , I put her on there . And away we went up the sand bank , and sand bar and we got up on top . And so I didn 't know what the road was ahead of me . I knew it was bad . Now this man suggested that I let him go with me . He said , " If you want me to , I 'll help you drive your outfit up the hill . " I said , " I 'd really appreciate it if you would " . But this colt , if you 're all familiar with horses , why it would get in front of the horses when they 'd stop to rest . And then when they 'd go to start they 'd have to push the colt out of the way . So I had to get the colt behind the outfit and then see that it didn 't get ahead , so it wouldn 't be in the way . And this man took the lines and drove the outfit up the hill , and one place he was going ' round a little curve when the right hind wheel began to slide off ' n the ledge . I thought , " Well , I guess the outfit 's gone " . And you know , he pulled them horses up the hill so hard that he pulled that wagon back onto the road . There was just room enough for the wagon to stay on . And oh , it was a treacherous sight to look at that river down below us . And so , So I started on , and I hadn 't gone but a few miles ' til I came to a real steep , smooth grade in the road . It wasn 't rocky or sandy , but it was just so steep and long that the horses just didn 't have strength enough to pull the load over the , over the hump , over the top . They 'd get it within four or five feet of the top , and then they couldn 't take it anymore . They didn 't balk . They didn 't refuse to do all they could . They did everything they could , and I 'd back down , take another run at it , and they 'd get so far up there , and that 's as far as they could go . So I decided that , I had a pick and shovel , that I 'd make a grade around the edge of the brow of the hill that might not be quite so steep . So I worked like a dog . I was ' bout choked to death . The horses were too , because I had been from the time the sun started to come up and I was ' til one o ' clock that night getting over to Navajo Springs , which is only six miles . So I tried to pull around this new piece of road I made , and I 'd get about a certain distance from the top of the brow of the hill , and they couldn 't go any further with it . So I didn 't know what to do . I knew if I threw my stuff off ' n the wagon I couldn 't get it back on . And so I decided to get one of the horses and I went over on the brow , on the side of the dugway by the river , and I could see a man over in the Lee 's Ferry ranch irrigating alfalfa there . He was a man I guess that let me have the alfalfa when I camped there that night . So I tried to whistle at him and holler at him and do everything I could . I was on a white horse and I thought he 'd see the horse over there on the side of the river , but he didn 't . And I was about choked . My horses were about choked . So I decided that the only thing that I could do was make it a matter of prayer . I stood by the horse and I offered up a prayer to the Lord to help me , that I had to have help . And when I opened my eyes and got through praying , there was a man that I 've never seen before , nor since , coming up the dugway afoot . He came up there and he says , " Are you in trouble ? " I said , " Yes , if I was ever in trouble in my lifetime , I 'm in trouble now ! " " Well , " he says , " We 'll see if we can 't help you out . " So we went on over to my outfit and he helped me unload . He was a nice , big , husky built fellow . He was a man , I 'd say , about 60 years old . I don 't know who he was , or where he come from . Only I know , when I uttered that prayer , and looked up , there he was , coming up the dugway . And so we unloaded , and he helped me get the team up the hill . After we got up over the little hill and I was all right , I could go on . He helped me put the stuff back on the wagon , and I didn 't have gumption enough to ask him who he was . And he didn 't ask me who I was . So I don 't know who it was , but if the truth could be known - if it could - I wouldn 't be surprised - it could have been one of the three Nephites . I don 't know who else it could have been [ voice is tearful ] . But he didn 't tell me his name , and he didn 't ask me what my name was , and I didn 't ask him . And I thought afterwards , after he left and I started out . I looked back and I didn 't see him . I don 't know where he went , but I couldn 't see him . And I had bows and covers on the wagon , and I had to look around over the wagon cover to get to see , but I did look to where he was and see if he was a going back the road . And I couldn 't see him anywhere . So , I come on up then to Navajo Spring . By that time it was one o ' clock in the morning when I got there . So I was all this time making six miles distance . And then I made my bed down , I unhitched , and I took the cow trail up to the spring , away up in those red bluffs , up to a pretty little spring of clear water , and my horses was almost famished for water , and I was too . I went up and filled my canteen , watered my horses , and came back down , rolled my bed out on the ground and went to bed . And I didn 't know what happened ' til sun was coming up the next morning . When I got up , I had , I 'd put a bell on one of my horses , and I also had hobbles on three of ' em , and they were way down nearly to the river trying to go back home . And there was hundreds of head of those old mean - looking Navajo bulls , and steers , and cows , and there wasn 't a tree or anything to get into if they took after you , so I was kind of worried about going down to get my horses among all those cattle . But I made it . I went down and got them . I wasn 't afraid after I got on my horse , ' cause I could get out of the way . But the only way I could have gotten away from any of those cattle if they had charged me was just to lie down in a wash or something , or lie down on the ground . So I got ' em and started on up toward Bitter Seeps - Tanner Well . And it was a terrible rough road and a terrible grade up there , just worked my horses awful hard to pull the wagon up there . I got up to almost , well I got up to Bitter Seep , and then I turned off and went over to Tanner Well . And while I was going through a nice little valley there - smooth sailing - all of a sudden my horses just jumped like the lightening had struck them , began to run . I had a good brake on the wagon , and I had four horses on then . Them little gray mares was out on lead . And they just were just scared to death about something . And all of a sudden here come a couple of Navajos running up the side of the wagon on horses , just as fast as they could make their horses go . One of ' em was a bad looking man . He looked like he 'd just leave kill you as not . So I didn 't know what they were going to do , but I didn 't try to act scared or afraid . And they wanted to know where I was going , and I told ' em . And they said they were going to go over to , they wanted to trade horses with me . And they wanted to . . . and so I told ' em I didn 't have any horses to trade , that I needed my horses . And so they said , well , they was going over to Kanab and trade for some horses over there . And they started back the road . Instead of going back to Kanab they circled around , gathered up about a hundred head of cows and horses and run ' em over to the Tanner Well , around and around about way , and run ' em down into the water . And they made it so bad that my horses wouldn 't drink it , and I couldn 't use it without boiling it . And I didn 't have any water . So , I had a barrel on the side of the wagon , but this barrel , in coming around the ledge of rock on that dugway , it hit the ledge and broke one of the stays in the middle of the barrel . So my water leaked out that I had , that I 'd loaded at Lee 's Ferry . So anyway , I had to use the water some way . I didn 't have any to cook with , without boiling it . And so , they come on there . After they run their animals down in the water , then they come over to where I was camped . And I 'd been told by a man that grew up at the Lee 's Ferry , he knew how to talk Navajo , and he knew their customs , and their ways . And he told me , before I left Leeds , how to treat those fellows to get help from ' em . And so he said give ' em their dinner , and he says , " They 'll tell you the truth about the road . " So I did . They laid down on their stomach in the sand while I was getting dinner ready , and I give ' em their dinner . And the one of them seemed to be quite well educated and quite a civil sort of a fellow . So he told me all about the road . So I hitched up then and I went up toward the Cedar Ridge . I started for this [ ? ] up part way between the Tanner Well and the Cedar Ridge , and it became dark on me , and I had to camp . And I spent a terrible night because I didn 't know whether they 'd come and try to steal my horses or not . I had such good looking horses and I was afraid they might come and try to run ' em off and steal ' em , leave me stranded out in the desert . So I didn 't sleep much that night . I slept back in the little trailer on top of the grain and stuff , but I didn 't sleep much . So , the next morning , then I went up through , to The Gap . I got up to The Gap for noon or there about . Oh , this three dollars that this man had given me for helping him up the hill on the other side , on the other side of the river . Well , I asked them if they had some hay . My horses had to just graze on the brush there that night , night before . And they said yes , [ side B ends ] * * * missing from the cassette * * * they had some baled hay . I said , " How do you sell it ? " They said said , " Three dollars a bale . " . They were just little old bales , weigh about 45 pounds . So , that three dollars that the man gave me bought me a bale of hay to noon my horses on . So I went on towards a little place call [ ? ] Willow Spring , down toward Moenkopi . There was a pretty little pond of water there . * * * missing from the cassette * * * So I stopped there for the night . I give ' em a good grain , feed of grain , but they only had a little bit of roughage . I had to keep ' em tied up there . The next morning I started out . I never got in such bad sand hardly in my life . And I didn 't know whether it was going to get worse or not . But I got started out through it and I had to keep going . I couldn 't turn around . I had to stay in the road , in the wheel tracks . And If it hadn 't have had good horses and hadn 't have known how to handle ' em , I wouldn 't have ever got through that little stretch of road from that Willow Spring over to Moenkopi Wash . So I got over there and it was noon then , again . And I pulled out on the mesa there and crossed the bridge , I crossed [ across ? ] the wash . [ I ] pulled up on top of the mesa and there was some pretty good grazing , grass . It wasn 't green , but there was a lot of dry grass and some green in among it . So there was a Navajo came along . He seen me and he come over . He wanted his dinner too . So he took my horses out away from the road and hobbled ' em out where they could eat while we was getting our dinner . So then , after dinner , well , he went and got ' em for me and helped me hitch up . And then he went on toward Tuba City . Well , I went on down the road toward Cameron , and as I was going down off ' n the mesa , towards the bridge , well , there was a car coming toward me and they stopped and pulled out of the road . And there was three men got out of the car , and I didn 't know what they was up to . I didn 't know whether they were going to hold me up or what . But I went on . When I got up to where they were , well , I stopped and passed the time of day with ' em . And they , come to find out , they was three young fellows from New York . They were out on a vacation , a touring trip . And , they had a camera and they wanted to take the picture of my outfit . And I told ' em they could , to go ahead . But I told ' em I 'd like to have ' em send me a picture , one of the pictures if they didn 't mind . But I didn 't ever get a picture . They might have lost my address or something . So I went on down to Cameron , and there was just the one bridge there then . And it was getting sundown , so I started across the bridge and one of my horses , the worst bronco I had , she became frightened about that bridge . It made so much racket when the wagon and horses went across it . She almost pulled me off down over the ledge . I couldn 't hold her [ in ? ] the road . I was afraid I was going to have the outfit all bursted up . Finally I got her turned so that she didn 't run us off . And I pulled up on the , kind of on the side of the hill there , by the Cameron station and unhitched for the night . It was getting dark then . And my horses was terribly thirsty . And I asked about water , a place to water my horses , and they told me there was a place , a well down on the side of the hill , and it was getting pitch dark , and I couldn 't see where I was going . I just had to get one one horse and let the rest follow down the trail . I took a bucket down and a rope so I could get the water out . But I couldn 't get the water out fast enough for ' em , and the most of the horses went right on down to the river . And there was a big hole of water by this edge of the river . And it was all quick sand . They was so drCould I get up now and set up a little while ? [ Pause to rest . He would soon die of cancer and was not feeling well here . ] I will now go on and try and finish the story of my trip from Southern Utah to Arizona . [ I went to ? At ? ] Cameron , Arizona , where the bridge crosses , this little place is located on the edge of the Little Colorado River . After I had watered my horses and got them back up to the camp , back to my camp , I had been wanting to put shoes on the little horse that was following because I hadn 't put shoes on her yet . And her feet was becoming real sore , and she needed to be shod . She needed to have shoes on to finish the trip . So I , got the , I had the shoes on hand , everything on hand to shoe my horses with , whenever they needed it . And , so after I finished . . . while I was shoeing this horse , there was a man and his wife , they were from California . They had been out to the Grand Canyon . And they were camped in a little tent right close to where my camp was . So he came over and watched me put the shoes on the horse . I don 't know whether he 'd ever seen a man shoe a horse before or not , but he seemed quite interested . And , so after I got the shoes on the horse , I was putting the shoes on by the light of the campfire . And it was dark , and so after shoeing the horse I decided I 'd have to get my supper . So I cooked my supper on the campfire as usual . And this man , he stayed around and seemed to be real interested in me , and what I was doing . I don 't suppose he 'd ever seen a person cook a meal on a campfire before . So , after I ate my supper , we talked and conversed with one another for quite a little while . And , finally , it must have been around ten o ' clock when he decided to go to his camp . He was just a little ways from where I was camped . And , when he got up to go to his camp he threw a dollar bill down , and I told him , " No " , I didn 't want that . I said , " I 'm all right " . And , so , I tried to get him to take it and he got turned around and gave me another dollar bill . And I thought it was a quite an unusual thing . But the Lord , I know , was guiding [ crying ] it ' cause I needed it ever so bad . I needed it worse than I thought I needeSo , the next morning I started out from Cameron , and I must have pulled up some 15 or 20 miles . It was a real heavy grade and it worked my horses quite hard to pull the load up that grade toward Flagstaff . And so when I got , began to get sundown , I came to a road camp where they were building the highway . And I asked ' em about where they thought I could find water for my horses . There wasn 't any creeks or streams on that route . And so , a lot of times , the horses , people traveling through would lose their horses on account of their choking to death , such a long stretch between water . So they told me where there was a place , a ranch that , it was , I think the ranch they call it Rimmy [ ? ] Jim 's ranch , some old cowboy that had a big ranch there , cattle ranch . So , they told me where to go , how to get over there . So I went over there and he treated me real nice . He give me some fresh beef that he had in his locker that he had killed for his own use . He gave me some nice steak . He give me permission to water my horses . I don 't think I had any , I didn 't have any roughage , they just had to graze on the grass . And I had grain for them . The next day I got up real early and pulled up toward Flagstaff and just before you go over the summit , going toward Flagstaff , there was a road took off to the left , down into those big volcanic hills . And I didn 't know where it led to for sure . I just figured it led to some ranch . So I thought I 'd take that road and see if I couldn 't find someplace where I could find feed for my horses . So I did . I got to the ranch and they had a big nice barn and stable , had it full of nice oat hay . And they made me real welcome . I asked them if I could buy some feed , ' cause I had that two dollars and then I had maybe two or three dollars besides , left from what I left home with . So , the man just put my horses in the stable and fed ' em all the hay they could eat . And they invited me in the house to eat with them , eat supper ; treated me real nice . So the next morning when I got ready to leave , well , he said , And , the next morning , everything was all right . I got my horses , and hitched up , and started into Winslow . I got in Winslow long about , I think it must have been about two o ' clock that day . And when I got in Winslow I knew I didn 't have only a little bit of money left . I had seventy five cents left . I 'd had to spend money for something and , anyway . I tried to find my brother - in - law , and sister - in - law . They were working there , Lyman Bates and his wife Maggie . They were having a big celebration of some kind there in Winslow that particular day . And the street was lined on both sides . The streets were narrow and they were lined on both sides with cars so thick that it was almost impossible to drive a team through the town between the cars . My horses wasn 't used to automobiles and things like that , and so they was kind of skiddish about getting through . I was worried about maybe having a flare - up or something . But anyway , I couldn 't find Mr . Bates . I couldn 't find anyone that knew where he lived , or even knew him . Because I figured if I could find him , I maybe could borrow ten dollars or something from him , to get me home , out to Clay Springs . But , all the inquiring and everything , I just couldn 't , I couldn 't locate him . So I drove on down the street and there was a man coming along the sidewalk after I 'd gotten out of the traffic , and out of the crowded section . And I stopped and asked him if he knew where there was a feed yard , where I might buy some hay . He said , well , he didn 't know for sure , but he thought if I 'd go down about a block or two on the east , and then turn to the left . He says , " I think there 's a feed yard there . " But he says he wasn 't sure . So I did . I went down and did what he told me to . And sure enough , there was a big feed yard there . And it belonged to the Babbitt brothers . And , so I told . . . they had plenty of hay . And I told him I 'd like to buy some hay for my horses . And he said how much did I want . And I said , " Well , how much do you sell it for , for the bale ? " He said a dollar and forty fivAnd so , I know that the Lord was watching over me all the way because I started out from Winslow to cross the river . And I was going out on the other side of the valley to camp . And I knew I couldn 't camp with a team and outfit in the city . So I went to cross the bridge where it crossed the Little Colorado . And I had never met only one team of horses on the whole ride up to that time , and that was the team I pulled up the House Rock Valley hill . So , lo and behold , when I crossed the river , across the bridge there was this nice bale of hay . It had been broken . They had fed a flake or two . And there is was , right to the side of the road . [ crying ] So I , there was nobody there or nothing . It was just laying by the side of the road . But there had been a person camp there with a pair of mules . I could tell from the tracks , it was a team of mules . And they had either forgotten the hay , or else the Lord had them leave it there for me . So I picked it up , put it in the cart with the other bale of hay , and I had all the hay that my horses could eat that night . And they did eat it all though . They ate all the hay . So I got up the next morning early and thought I 'd try and get up to Holbrook that night , which I did . And so , before I got to Holbrook though , it became noontime and I didn 't have any hay for my horses . I did still have a little few feeds of grain . So , I stopped at a little ranch , before I got to Joseph City and they had a little stack of hay in there . So I went in to see if I couldn 't get some , a fork full of hay for the horses . And I couldn 't find anybody home . They 'd apparently gone to town . So I just unhitched my horses out in front and went in and took the pitchfork and brought a fork full of hay out to load in . And , I figured I had to have the feed , and I figured that whoever it was , I 'd send ' em the money for the feed as soon as I got home . But I was expecting my wife and children , Dan and Inez , and Ammon Hunt , my brother - in - law . He was , they was supposed to come and meet me there , along there somewhere . And so , because I had been writing these letters where I stopped . They knew that I was getting close . And , so they did . They came while I was nooning there that day . And so , he fixed up everything so that I could have plenty to get home on . I got up to Holbrook that night and I stopped at Babbitt brothers where they had a feed yard there in Holbrook , and the man that was working for Babbitts , he had a family , and he had a nice big milk cow , and he fed her there . There was lots of bales of hay would break , and they couldn 't sell ' em . And he 'd feed the cow what he could feed of it . And they had a lot of extra loose hay there , so I bought hay there . And I think I bought a bale . It was already baled up , and then he gave me a lot of the loose hay , just gave it to me . And I filled this little feed cart plum full of hay . And my horses had all they could eat that night , and I had the feed cart plum full of hay to go on with , up toward home . And also , I was able to buy a little more grain there . I got it through Ammon Hunt . He was dealing with Babbitts and running a store . And so he made arrangements for me to get all the feed I needed or anything . So then , my wife and my two children , my two eldest children , they were the only ones we had at that time . They stayed and come with me on the wagon . So , we got from Holbrook up , oh , I would say two - thirds of the way to Snowflake . And we camped by the roadside for the night . And we had plenty of feed for the horses . I think I had put a little water in the barrel , and had a little water for ' em . Then I got up the next morning , we did , and went on up to Taylor for noon . We nooned there , had a early noon . We got there in pretty good time . [ side A ends ] So after dinner we started for Clay Springs and we made it up there . It was a big drive for the horses , but they were getting stouter . But by the time we got to Clay Springs they was getting quite tired . But we made it there . And so , that was the end of our trip . We made it all right . We didn 't have any trouble . But , I 'm certain that God was watching over me and helping me because the things that happened don 't ordinarily happen that way . It just seemed like it was so unusual the way things happened : that man giving me that money , and then turning right around and repeating the thing again . And I hadn 't told him that I was in bad circumstances . I just told him about the dangerous road I 'd come over and so forth . But he seemed to figure that I was having quite a struggle . And so , I guess the Lord must have prompted him to give me an extra dollar after he 'd given me the first dollar . And I just tried to get him to take it back , but he wouldn 't . And , everybody , every place I stopped , everybody just treated me as good as they possibly could . So this hay that I got at the Joe City [ Joseph City ] , at that little ranch . I didn 't know who the ranch belonged to . So , when I got into Joe City , I seen a man by the name of Shelly working . He was hauling fertilizer out onto his land , at the side of the road . So I stopped and asked him who owned that ranch down there . He said it belonged to old brother Hansen , and he was a quite a wealthy rancher there in Joe City , and a good LDS man , and he had plenty of money . But I went and I asked where he lived there in Joe City , where his residence was . And he told me where it was , and I went up there and stopped to tell him what I 'd done , that I 'd went in and took a fork full of his hay , and then just as soon as I got home I 'd pay him for it . And I couldn 't find him home . There wasn 't nobody home . So , later on I found him at Snowflake . He 'd come up to conference . And I went and told him what I 'd done , and I 'd like to give him something for the hay . And he said just to forget about it , that it didn 't amount to anything , was just glad that I 'd got it . And , so , I 'm sure that if people try to do the right thing , they 'll be blessed . And I was certainly blessed on that trip . If I hadn 't have been , I don 't know how I 'd have made out . But anyway , I got through perfectly all right . And , so , that 's an account of the trip that I made from Southern Utah to Clay Springs , Arizona , as near as I can remember . I might state this : I did mention the little dog that my brother - in - law tried to give me because my cousin had gone back on me on coming along with me as company . And he thought the little dog would be company for me . But he put a rope on her , and tied her under the wagon by the wagon axle , and he tied it a little bit too loose , and she pulled her head through the loop and got away . And I didn 't have a chance to stop and get her again . We had to go on with the horses , were acting so fractious and raring to go because they were so fresh and fat , and I just had to let ' em go . And so I didn 't bring the dog . I just came all alone . Didn 't have a weapon of any kind on the wagon . No gun or anything for protection . But I made it all right . Before I got to , I met the second team and wagon , just before I got to Holbrook . It was long about where that big reservoir is there , east of Joe City . There was a man coming along , coming toward Joe City with a four - horsed outfit and wagon . So he , I didn 't know who it was at the time , but I finally got acquainted with the man , and got well acquainted with him . It was a man by the name of Bushman . And he was coming into Joe City from his ranch , out at Dry Lake . And so he stopped and he wanted to trade horses with me , but I didn 't have any horses to trade off . I had some of the best horses that were ever hitched up , and I didn 't need to trade them off . And so I went on in to Holbrook and stayed that night . Then , on home . The next two days seen us at home in Clay Springs . And that 's as near as I can remember . It 's an overall report of the trip , trips that I made between Southern Utah and Arizona . [ End ] |
Yesterday morning , my mom texted me her usual good morning . Every Monday , it 's " Madison Monday , " which is just a funny way to get me through yet again another Monday . I have a conference in the city today . Woo , being out of the office haha , I texted her . She told me to give her a call later when I had a free time after the conference . She emphasised after the conference so I thought maybe something was wrong . Is everything ok ? Is it funny or serious [ emoji ] ? She just replied with not funny , but wished me luck at the conference . The day went on and after the conference I gave my mom a call before I hopped on the subway . I started blabbing to her about the conference and then I asked her what was up . She asked if I was done the conference , and if I was still needing to get back to work . I had finished the conference , I told her . Okay well , I just wanted to make sure I didn 't want you to still be at the conference when I told you this . I wanted to tell you that Aunt Shawn has passed away . I felt like I hadn 't heard her correctly . My aunt didn 't have cancer , she wasn 't diagnosed with a serious disease . She repeated it again when I asked what she said , afraid that I heard " dead " when really she meant to say " sick with something obviously curable . " I continued to walk down a street I didn 't know in Brooklyn . A taxi zoomed by me and beeped because I seemed to have crossed the street without the pedestrian signal . Where was I ? It didn 't matter . I pressed my body up against a dirty building and tried to melt into the city walls . And so began a series of questions that I never thought I would be asking my mom about her sister . Why , how , who knows , who is upset , who cried , what 's happening , what did grandma say , what did my sisters say , what did dad say , who else knows , what about her kids , what happens to her pets . What I 'm writing isn 't about how I feel , and I guess if you have to define it , it 's a multitude of things . I 'm writing because I 'm angry . I 'm writing because death is all When I was younger , that was when I was the closest with my aunt . For a while we lived in different counties , but eventually my family moved back to Telford , PA so we could be with my grandfather who had been diagnosed with cancer . I remember crying , when I was first told that I had to move from Delaware County , PA to Montgomery County , PA ( big difference , when you 're in third grade ) . I remember my mom said , but you 'll make new friends ! I don 't WANT new friends ! I screamed . But then she added , you 'll be going to school with your aunt because she works there in the cafeteria ! That got me to calm down a little . Some of the things I remember about my aunt are little memories . In all my relationships in life , both personal and in my family , I always remember the small things about people . The time my dad stayed up late with me and made me egg sandwiches , when my sister gave me her favorite top because she knew I liked it more , when my brother bought me that red coat from Macy 's . So small , but so significant . The little things . My aunt used to have a pantry filled with the best snacks in the world . It was like a tiny little Costco . Big boxes of potato chips , iced tea , Dunkaroos , cookies - all the kinds of snacks that would make our mom furious if she knew we ate them before dinner . My brother and I didn 't care . We would ride our bikes up to visit and hope that Aunt Shawn would offer us a trip down to the basement to pick out whatever we wanted from the pantry . She always offered , and we always accepted . My aunt loved the beach . I still remember the vacation I took with her and the family to Avalon . By accident ( which I hope my cousins still realize was an accident ) I killed one of my aunt 's favorite rats ( they had several pet rats ) . I sat in the corner of the room crying hysterically knowing that I had broken my aunts heart . I remember how stern her husband was , he came into the room and told me that I need to go apologize " to my aunt . " When I was able to see her after she had calmed down , I went into her arms saying how sorry I was , she said she knew I didn 't mean it , and that she knew I loved the little rat so much too . To this day I think about the little rat , but mostly because of how sad I made my aunt . * * * And since my aunt loved the beach , she also had a large collection of seashells , which I remember going through secretly one time at her house , taking all of them out . Her husband caught me and scolded me , and I was so embarrassed . My aunt instead , reassured me that it was okay , and I believe she even let me take one home ( but not her favorite , rare ones ! Those she had to keep in the special little seashell containers ) . I also remember that my grandmother and aunt would always call McDonald 's " Mickey D 's , " which for some reason , I never knew people called it that . So when we pulled up to the big yellow " M , " I started laughing because I expected some cute , small town diner . My grandmother and aunt made fun of me so much , " How could you not know we meant McDonalds ? ! " We gobbled down some Mickey D 's and talked about all the clothes we were going to buy . My aunt also loved music , probably as much as my own mother who was constantly dancing around the house even though we begged her to stop . Shawn used to burn mixed CDs for my mom , with 80s club music , or classic jams like " You Spin Me Round , " and " Bootylicious . " Whenever I hear these songs , I always think of those mixed CDs . I hope wherever my aunt is now , her days are spent with ridiculous party jams from Destiny 's Child . She also loved animals , like my mom . Throughout her life she had an awesome cat named Max , guinea pigs , tons of pet rats , and just recently , her two cats had kittens together . I think in total she had six cats , but she just couldn 't find homes for them , so she took them in herself . I hope the family tries to find new homes for them , and doesn 't just throw them in a shelter , because I know for a fact that 's not what my aunt would have wanted . Little Goose will miss you ! Her love for my mom is proof that the bond between sisters is one of the strongest loves to ever exist . My mom and her talked often , but not as much as you would think seeing as they lived a few miles apart in Telford , minutes away from their childhood home where my grandmother still lived . It didn 't matter , they always stayed in touch . I always knew when my mom was on the phone with my aunt , because she would be on the phone for hours . And that 's no exaggeration . They would talk about everything and sometimes , I would sit in her room and try to eavesdrop . My aunt always seemed to know a lot about everyone , and she wasn 't gossipy , she was just keeping my mom up to date with everyone 's lives . She once told my sister that my mom is our rock , and we should remember that . I knew she was speaking from her heart , and from her experience as a mother . She did everything and anything for her two kids . Even when I heard stories about them misbehaving , there was my aunt , always ready to step in front of a bus for them . When my one cousin missed school on the day of prom ( which was a big no - no , the rule was you go to school the day of prom or you can 't go . . or you at least had to make it to fifth period or something ) my aunt told her husband to call up the school and demand she be allowed to go to prom . When my other cousin moved to Florida , I had never seen a mother cry so hard . I think she was depressed for weeks , maybe even months . She was unbelievably proud , told everyone on Facebook how her son had moved on and gotten a job . But I had never seen someone so sad that their son had moved away . Those are the little things I remember - her sadness , her pain that her children were growing up too fast . I realize now it 's because her kids were her whole world . I know she had more in life that was meaningful to her , but her children were the stars in her life that guided her through dark times . She would do anything for them , and if she was still here today , I know she would continue to do so . And even when her husbJames TW says , " sometimes moms and dads , fall out of love . " But like my grandfather used to say , " Everything happens for a reason . " She babysat the two neighbor girls next door , Emma and Jacqui , and became a sort of motherly figure to the both of them . Much like my mom , who is also passionate about children , my aunt worked at the local elementary school , babysat for a majority of her life , and also worked at a children 's day care center . I think in life , that was what she was meant to do . To be with children , and to try to help them grow up to be the best that they can be . Shawn was the big sister , and my mom was the little sister . In many ways , they were twins . Everyone thought they were , too . They looked a lot a like , and later in life as I grew up , people would comment and say , " You sound just like your aunt ! " Or they would say , " You look so much like your aunt . " A lot of my sadness with my aunt 's death comes from my own love of my mother . I love my mother with every vein and cell in my body . My mother is my rock , like my aunt said . Seeing my mother in pain , seeing her frustration that perhaps my aunt 's family didn 't step in and be there for her when she needed them , seeing her anger for not being there more for her sister , seeing and feeling the guilt in her voice for not being able to do more - it all but breaks me down . Since my aunt loved my mom more than anything in this world , I promise her that I will be there for my mom no matter what . If she is sick , I will be there . If she needs help , I will be there . If she wants to rescue cats ( which my aunt did ) , I will be there . If my mom is suffering from something , no matter how hard it might be for me , I will be there . I will be there , because I know Shawn wanted me to . When I accepted a job in New York , my aunt was beyond ecstatic for me . She was also terribly sad for my mom , because she knew how it felt to have your first - born leave the nest . She wanted to throw a big party for me , with all my friends and family in attendance , to celebrate my new chapter . I look back on her enthusiasm , her willingness to open her home up . She said how she was so proud of me . She said that my mom is lucky to have an amazing , bright , smart young woman like myself . I held in tears that night , so as not to cry in front of my family . But tonight as I write this , I let the tears flow , because I will never again be able to tell you thank you , and I love you . One special thing about my aunt , is that she lived for her nieces and nephew 's accomplishments . Every time we made the honor roll , she would clap with enjoyment . When I started dating my boyfriend , she said ( in her Aunt - Shawn voice ) " Well he is just ALL KINDS of handsome ! ! ! ! " When I graduated high school , she was there crying . When I graduated college , she was there crying again . She commented on almost every picture I ever posted on Instagram , every status I posted on Facebook . She read every blog I ever posted . Aunt Shawn just had so much energy , so much love , and she cared that other people were successful , living life , and achieving their goals . Aunt Shawn , wherever you are , I 'm sorry that I couldn 't show you New York . I was just about to talk to my mom about you two visiting me as " the Weisenborn 's take over NYC . " I wanted to show you that all my hard work paid off , and how happy I am to have you as my " favorite aunt . " You will always be my favorite aunt . The cafeteria smelled like Chinese food again . A lot of women in my office were notorious for bringing soggy leftovers , stinking up the entire room with the smell of chicken and MSG . Any other day I could stomach it , but today it wasn 't going to happen . Besides the low - pay and obnoxious reminders to clean out the refrigerator every Friday , I enjoyed my job . It helped being able to talk to someone every day . Marci helped me stay a little sane - in between paper filing and the occasional inappropriate back pat from a corporate executive . Today was another day in the office , only instead of hitting the lunch truck outside of the building , I was brown - bagging it and Marci was heating up something frozen . I looked down at my own food , a pathetic sandwich and potato chips that was leftover from a budget luncheon last Wednesday . I had yet to go grocery shopping , probably because this week was the first week that I had actually been hungry . I heard breakups do that to you . " Sarah , if you need some help you know you can just ask me . Justin 's mom is always bringing me over casseroles , which leads me to believe is the reason I 'm on a temporary diet , " she picked up her plastic fork and let the contents drop back into the plastic container . Drops of reduced sodium sauce splattered onto the table . The problem with breakups is not just the loss of an appetite . When you 're the one left , you just wander around and wonder what you did wrong . Then , you realize how much your life revolved around the other person . Everything reminds you of them . Street sounds , movies , commercial jingles , the weather - even a crappy last minute lunch shared over a work - break with your friend . We packed up and headed back to our cubicles . Marci and I sat next to each other , with thin walls separating us , giving each employee a small and drab space to work their eight hour shifts . The first time I had spoken her , she had poked her head over the cubicle to mutter , " Hey new chick , ease off the Chanel , it gives me a headache . " I had always called him " Alphie " because it sounded cute and fit the soft - spoken man who had a love of Star Wars collectables and spearmint gum . He never seemed like a " Ralph . " In fact , the name reminded me of a wire rimmed glasses , fifty - something year old man with graying hair and a pedo - stache . Not something you exactly want to be moaning under a knitted afghan . And who knows , maybe this had something to do with my inability to be serious and my desire to find something in men that just didn 't exist . That thought left my mind quickly . It definitely was about not wanting to have sex with a guy named Ralph . Something had been up with Alphie for about a month , I could just tell . He was as readable as a children 's pop - up book . But this time , he was as readable as a map in Spanish ; I was hopelessly lost and the only thing I could say was , " Te amo . " We didn 't live together , so I guess it was easier for him to become distant and make excuses during the final weeks of our relationship . Our after - dinner phone calls became scarce and my text messages would go unanswered for hours . How did I not see this coming , I had thought between the hot tears as he sat there - the bearer of bad news - stone cold and without any hint of sadness or regret . " Hey Alphie , I 'm going to be stopping over just to pick up the last of my stuff , so um , I 'll leave my spare key in your mailbox , and then um , that 'll be all . So um , thanks and maybe I 'll see you later . Okay , well , bye . " Voicemails had never been my strong suit , and then again , neither were breakups . I only had one more box left of my things at his place - a sports bra , a Nicholas Sparks book , bobby pins , and three half used shampoo bottles - and then I would have no reason to speak or see Alphie again . I decided that after I stopped by his apartment I would hit the liquor store for a rebound date with a handsome man named Jack Daniels . Or , maybe even a ménage à trois with a chaser of Mr . Samuel Adams . The door opened and I saw my box of things in the corner of the living room . I didn 't even want any of it ; it was just another part of the process that everyone was telling me about . This process involved crying late into the night and packing on foundation early morning so people at work didn 't know you were an emotional wreck . It involved deleting pictures off of your Facebook page and changing your relationship status to private so no one would know that you were single , even though everyone would figure it out . It involved what I was doing right that moment , sitting in your now - ex 's apartment with a box of shit you didn 't even want , but you had to pick it up because it was part of the process of getting over him . I sat on his couch and brought my knees up against my chest . The couch embraced my weight , its worn upholstery inviting and familiar . If only there had been one other imprint next to me - the way that felt normal to me . As if to interrupt a forbidden moment , Alphie 's door rattled and someone was rapping three soft times . Startled , I knocked over the box and the shampoo bottles hit the ground with a hard thud . The stranger on the opposite side of the door heard my clumsiness and called out , " Hello ? You there ? " My stomach dropped and my palms began to sweat . The voice that called out belonged to a woman . It sounded sweet like a soft church bell . Knowing all of Alphie 's neighbors , none of which were this angelic voice , I felt a pang of jealousy thinking maybe he had found the company of another woman . I was overreacting , but I scrambled for the items that I had dropped and threw them back into the box , shoving it under the end table by the couch . I could have easily stayed silent and pretended no one was there , but I had to see her in case she had an intimate relationship with Alphie . Why else would she be at his apartment at 8 p . m ? Behind the door she was standing with her back towards the entrance , looking off down the hallway . She turned around with a lit up face , as if to see someone familiar . Her face dropped when she saw me , and she pushed up her dark square - rimmed glasses . " Oh uh , sorry to startle you . Um , Ralph isn 't here . " I was surprised I could even speak , all I felt like doing was vomiting . " Oh , I 'm just here to uh , water his plants , " I lied . " He forgot to so he asked me to stop by . I 'm just a neighbor . " " Okay , I was just knocking to see if he was here . I had a key anyway , but thanks for letting me in . His door is always jammed , " she giggled . I eyed her up to see what Alphie might like more in this woman than myself . Her hair was decent , straight how he likes , but her glasses made her eyes too - huge and forehead small . She had a tight button - down blouse that buckled around her breasts , and a long brown skirt to pair with her oxford sneakers . " Oh , no , " she laughed . " We 've only been dating a few months , I don 't think it 's anything serious , yet . " She gave another weak smile . The woman stared at me because I hadn 't answered her question . I hadn 't said anything because I was doing mental math . In a minute , my fists started to clench . I 'm sure my face was red , my eyes welled , and maybe I even looked like I was going to kill her . I 'm not going to lie , it crossed my mind . As if my life didn 't already suck , sure enough the doorknob turns and in walks Alphie . Really ? Is this a sit - com where everyone is laughing at how pathetic the protagonist 's life is ? There he was , the simple man with simple tastes , decked out in his usual jeans and a button up shirt exposing a goofy t - shirt with a cheesy graphic . What does a man do when he is presented with his current girlfriend , his ex - girlfriend , and the act that both of them know he is a good ol ' cheater ? I started getting snippy . Sophie looked way too calm and collected and all I wanted to do was dump my box of shit on Alphie and then set him on fire . He wasn 't going to get away so easy . I have to say , I had to give this chick some credit . She was totally unaware that she was the other woman , hell , she probably didn 't even want to be the other woman . But when she found out , you could say she didn 't take it lightly . Alphie looked at the two women in front of him - and then turned to look directly at me . I had hoped to see some sort of regret , some torn look realizing what he had done wrong . But when he looked at me , I saw his eyes narrow as if he was disappointed in me . The same eyes that used to look at and whisper " I love you 's , " and the eyes that used to look at me lovingly . Eyes that I adored and now these eyes looked right past me to this other woman . The one he really wanted to console and hold and love was her . It hit me hard but I knew right then and there that it was over … as if the whole cheating thing didn 't seal the deal for me . I darted out into traffic dodging a taxi , and screamed . It wasn 't because of Alphie , though . A bus came to a screeching halt right in front of me , and like they say , I saw my life flash before my eyes . Can 't say I was happy to see that I had such a pitiful life , but at least I had something before I died a slow and horrible death . I was being a bit dramatic . I didn 't actually die a slow and horrible death . I just figured that sounded better than , " I almost died chasing after my ex who was cheating on me and chasing after his other - woman in the middle of traffic . " The doctor laughed when I told him that . I however , wasn 't chuckling , due to the fact that three of my ribs were broken , I had a black eye and broken arm and leg . And a broken heart . There was no cast for that , the doctor said . Just Prozac . Surprisingly when I awoke from too much pain medicine , the nurse told me someone wanted to see me . Alphie came walking in and for a brief moment , all I wanted was for him to hug me again . He didn 't though , just awkwardly stood at the foot of my bed . Alphie 's face looked hurt for a brief moment . I wanted him to feel bad even though I knew he really didn 't care about me or my feelings . Or my broken bones . Her eyes , although tired , sparkled as she held out her hands . A tiny blue bundle was placed in her arms , and it was as if he was made to fit there . He peeked up from his soft cocoon , much like his mother 's womb , and he gazed up to see a woman that he already loved , although he did not quite know it . It 's too late for this , thought Max 's mother . Her son was wearing his wolf suit again , even though she had asked him three times to take it off and get into his pajamas . Most days , he refused to wear any other type of clothing around the house . He was attached to his suit , a gift given regrettably one Halloween long ago . Max had always been a rambunctious child . The moment he could crawl he began to cause all sorts of unwanted stress to his mother . The wolf costume was a new addition and it matched his wild behavior . But , despite his occasional monstrous behavior , Max 's mother still loved him as she did from the first day she held him . Tonight , she was having a hard time being overly loving to Max . She was tired and had cooked a hot meal for Max , including all of his favorite foods . She was even going to let him have chocolate milk with dinner , instead of plain milk . She was getting tired of the night 's antics . To start , Max was refusing to take off his wolf suit , but unfortunately that happened on the regular . Tonight however , he nailed up a tent to play in , using a hammer as a tool and leaving holes in the freshly painted walls . He was pretending that it was his castle , a castle that he would rule for the duration of the night . He also decided to run around the house , jumping on and off furniture , chasing after their poor dog with utensils , thrashing around and refusing to settle down . Max 's mother couldn 't take it any longer . Supper was on the table and was ready to be eaten , and Max couldn 't care less . That was the last straw for Max 's mother , and she was through with how he was acting and how he was treating her . She figured a cruel punishment would have to serve as a lesson . She pointed towards his room and ordered for him to go to bed , without supper . Max stormed off and obeyed , and locked himself in his room . Max 's mom went to the kitchen and made herself a plate , looking down with dismay . She hated to yell at Max . She loved her wild son with all her heart , but she couldn 't understand why he was acting out , behaving like some sort of animal . As she picked at her supper , she heard him clanging around in his room . Probably creating another " castle , " she thought . He had such an imagination at such a young age . Always dreaming of far away places with creatures and monsters and other wild things . He was always telling her these stories , in between the fort - building and rumpus - making , but she listened and smiled all the while . Sometimes she would read Max stories before he would go to bed . He curled up in her lap in her arms , in the spot that was made for him , and she would read to him before he fell asleep . Since Max was always bouncing off of things in the house , he always came to her with a teary - eyed face and scratches on his arms . Max 's mother always had Band - Aids and kisses ready for her restless son . Max 's mother finished her supper and went over to the stove where she put food on a separate plate . It was still warm . She walked quietly to Max 's room and walked over to his nightstand . He was collapsed in his bed near his make - shift castle . His wolf costume remained on and his face was flushed and peaceful . She placed the warm plate of supper on his nightstand and dimmed his lights in his room . She crept to the open door and turned to where Max was sleeping . Before leaving she whispered goodnight to him , even though he was fast asleep , off in some jungle with vines and monsters and little boys without supper . This short story was written for my mother . The inspiration is from Maurice Sendak 's Where the Wild Things Are , a story about a boys adventurous mind and a mother 's eternal love . Max 's journey and realization that he always has a place at home is just one reminder of all the things a mother is and always will be . A impromptu short story completed for my creative writing class , where I partnered with avid writer Becca Lynn . Our prompt was on a relationship , with the incorporation of a goldfish somewhere in the story . John and I never seemed like a couple that would break up over something so trivial . One day , I just couldn 't take it anymore . I had to leave him . I had to get out . He came home from work one day , and I don 't know … I lost it . My voice echoed in our apartment . Thank goodness the window was closed . I 'm sure the neighbors would be scared to hear such a fight from what they thought was a forever - in - love couple . They didn 't know about the fish . " Jodi , no , " John mumbled . " Why are you saying these things ? Where did all of this come from ? You know how much this fish means to me ! " I heard what he said but I didn 't care . I kept thinking about the fish , glancing over to the bowl with a sick feeling in my stomach . It 's not the fish , although , it was a little . The fish is just simple and boring . I don 't see a point in something that swims around , never changing its path , always remaining a sad , little orange creature that lives in a comfortable home on top of a comfortable dresser . But he loved that fish . I could tell he was about to cry , or tell me why the fish meant something to him . He took a step closer to me , his eyes glazing over and his eyebrows quivering up and down in confusion . " I love you , Jodi , don 't you get it ? You make me so happy . I would change for you , I really would . I just love my fish so much . I would do anything for you , as long as I can keep my fish . You know you love coming home from work and seeing her swimming around in her little bowl chasing bubbles around in the water . " " Well , " he swallowed . " Now you 're the bubbles and I 'm the fish and I 'm chasing you . Eventually she gets bored of chasing her bubbles but I could never get bored of chasing you . I promise . All I ask is that we keep her ! I wish you could see how much this would mean to me . I want to swim through life together , with you , forever , Jodi . " " Jodi ! It 's a fish ! Just a fish ! One of the most simple , easy - going creatures on the planet ! You don 't even have to take care of her - " " Then why does it matter to you ? " he demanded . " This fish completes me . I love her . But I love you more ! Believe me when I say this , Jodi , I love you , and you mean the world to me . I just need both of you in my life . " " Each swim around the tank is just another day for that fish . You can 't even give the fish different color rocks at the bottom of her tank , remember ? I suggested those purple rocks , at least give her a chance to have a change in scenery . " " You know what , I feel sorry for that fish . He 'll never get that from you : change . Life will stay the same , just like our relationship . " I stared out the window and wished to say something else but I was lost . I was swimming in my own pool of frustration . I tried to understand what he was saying , but I only hated him more . I walked to the door and saw him hold out his hand . I sit alone in a vacant train station , but its vacancy is only my perception . It is semi - crowded , yet I have this feeling that everyone seems to be far away from me . I try to occupy my mind , but the lingering smell of oiled tracks and trash that has yet to be emptied only adds to the lump in my throat . My iPod shuffles music , and I have the urge to turn it off because every song pulls his face into my mind . I hope for my train to come on time , anything to get me off of the cold bench that I sit on alone . I 'm surrounded by hand - holders , married couples , and young lovers . I avoid looking at them , and instead glance at the clock that seems to keep saying 12 : 47 p . m . There are billboards across the track that I begin to take notice of , and I realize I 'm doing more than just surveying what is around me . The advertisement I focus on is for affordable health coverage , emphasizing that if I have this insurance , I can " live fearless . " The point is obvious . I 'm supposed to think that if I get this health insurance , I can surf the seas , jump off of cliffs , explore the world , or be as reckless as I possibly can . I can live fearless with nothing to worry about . I realize how often I worry as I stare at this advertisement . I worry about this idea of being fearless . I worry about my life in two years , I worry about where my family will go , I worry about my friends and what road they take , I worry about money and grades and opening my heart to someone new . I hate worrying , and I hate using expressions about the heart because it seems cliché . The heart is just an organ that beats and pumps blood and keeps us living . So frequently we talk about the heart in pain , the heart swelling , the heart flipping and turning , the heart growing warm , the heart feeling love , his sympathetic heart , her aching heart . Still waiting for the clock to turn to 1 : 16 p . m . , I picture his face , again , in the window as his train started to pull away from where I stood . My heart feels like it 's breaking , I thought . If my heart feels like it 's breaking , then does that mean being with him is when it is whole ? Does it mean my heart is complete when I am with him ? I 'm sitting ridiculously on the floor , hunched over this computer . Panic ! At the Disco 's new album Too Weird to Live , Too Rare to Die ! plays loudly in the background . All I can smell is the hair dye that is on my head right now , waiting for it to turn a shade called Honey Butter . My mom passes by my room , telling me to open my shades and let some sun into my room . It really warms up your room , she tells me . As I obey , sunbeams fall across the candy apple red bedspread that looks all too inviting to me right now . I like noticing this , the color of my bedspread , the way the sun comes in through my cloudy window that I should really clean , the sound of new music , the stretch in my legs as I attempt to sit pretzel - style . Today is not a normal day . I should really be waking up at 6 : 30 a . m . , but instead , just on this Tuesday , I can sit here and watch the sun in my window . She often wondered if there was more to her life . She almost had everything she ever wanted ; a job , a place to live , friends , a strong marriage . Every so often , she thought maybe she was just settling into a predetermined life . The sun was shining over the city , casting its rays on her stretched out legs , warming her body . Every so often a billowy cloud would float over the sun , creating a hazy glaze in the sky . Eventually , the sun was covered by one cloud that decided to stay . She watched this cloud . No matter how hard the sun tried to burst through its whiteness , the cloud remained . She could see the outline of the sun , small and bright , but it never could escape the cloud 's presence . She couldn 't stop staring at the cloud . Why couldn 't it just leave the sun be ? All it wanted to do was shine down on the city , make its rounds around the sky . It didn 't need the cloud . But still the cloud remained . The sun didn 't need the cloud . It was fine without it . It could shine on the city and cheer everyone 's day up , do all the things the sun was supposed to do . She couldn 't figure out why , but staring at the cloud and sun made her realize she didn 't need him . His sweet and charming smile made her feel shy and small . He floated around the office , passing her desk in quick movements so that she could smell his cologne . She normally talked to everyone in the office , but with him around , she felt her own energy shrinking . Inside she felt bright and happy , but she couldn 't let out anything , afraid to say something she would regret . She tried to dismiss these thoughts , and told herself could still have a great life , all the things she ever wanted - her husband included - without him . However , like the sun , she couldn 't get away from him . She couldn 't push away his presence , couldn 't forget how he drank coffee like her . Or the way he noticed when she would coordinate her earrings to her blouse . As she was closing it , she looked out towards the sky and saw the sun had finally broken free from the cloud . The cloud slowly crept away , inching itself away from the sun . As it moved , she was sure that the sun looked a little less bright , as if the cloud had given it something that it needed all along . Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email . You will make the blogger very happy if you decide to follow her . Join 161 other followers |
June 1 , 1998 : Jackson came into the world crying . And he couldn 't stop . A doctor privately told the new daddy that his son probably wouldn 't make it through the night . June 1 , 2016 : Jackson started the day bursting with smiles . " Happy birthday ! " he exclaimed as his mom walked into the room . He just couldn 't wait for it to be said . " Jackson 's 18 ? " asked little Sara . " Yes , " 9 - year - old Christian replied , " he 's a premature adult . " I haven 't heard that phrase before , but it 's actually a good description . In the weeks prior when Angy would ask Jackson what he wanted to do on his birthday , he always said " hotel . " What he likes best about staying at a hotel are the little toiletries in the bathroom . It seemed an expensive way to get " free " travel - size toiletries , so she hoped he would change his mind . Angy asked again on the big day what he wanted to do . " Bath & Body Works . " ( Good call , buddy . ) They spent an hour in that little store while Jackson took his time examining all the products and happily dancing to the ' 90s music being played . He finally settled on $ 60 worth of scented products in the usual quantity of two each . When Christian saw the purchases later , he noticed that Jackson had selected two men 's fragrances , which he normally doesn 't do . " Now , " Christian proclaimed , " you 're a true man . " Jackson brought a few of his treasures to our Sunday gathering . Do you see the little bottle without a matching pair ? Angy bought that one for herself , but Jackson confiscated it . Since he doesn 't like cake , we put together a bowl of birthday candy filled with two of his favorites - strawberry gummies and butterfly gummies . I also made Jackson a card and put some cash in it so he could do more shopping . I love that he took time to study his card and reread it . When Angy would bring Jackson to visit her in the hospital , she had to assure him that he wasn 't going to have anything done . Naturally , he doesn 't like hospitals ( except for the gift shops , that is ) . And he didn 't like seeing the hospital bed in Mema 's living room when she was under hospice care . During the 10 weeks she was sick , Jackson continued his usual mantra of " Mema 's house " because he always wanted to go there . When Angy told him about Mema 's passing , he didn 't show any reaction . But when she asked a few days later if he wanted to go to Mema 's house , for the first time in his life , Jackson said " no . " Less than a week after his birthday was his annual checkup with the cardiologist . We were apprehensive about it , given that each year Jackson gets heavier and the time for his next medical procedure gets closer . Every few years , he has to have something done , and it 's been two years since his stents were dilated . A lot of prayers went up from Angy , Darrell , and me . Here 's how our gracious , merciful God answered . ( You 're just going to have to forgive me for the excessive use of exclamation marks . ) When the nurse rolled the blood pressure machine into the room , Jackson started rocking and singing , then pointed to the machine and said " blood pressure . " The whole time on the exam table while she took his pressure in all four limbs , his big smile never faded and he kept on singing . Angy asked if he was " loving life " to which he replied " YEAH ! " Afterward , Angy took him to Walmart to spend some of his birthday money . As he bounded across the parking lot back to the car with a bag of Axe body spray and a huge smile , she remarked that it was a good day . Jackson heartily agreed , " GOOD DAY ! " Jackson has had quite a journey so far . And I 'm so blessed to have been a part of it . My hope is to live at least long enough to see him turn 40 . But if I miss it by 6 weeks , well , that would be close enough . Jackson was so excited about coming over on Saturday that Angy had a hard time getting him to bed Friday night . And why wouldn 't he be excited ? Jackson knew that pancakes , Axe body spray , and foot rubs were in store . Seated in one of the big booths in the middle of Denny 's , the day was off to a good start . Again , we had a lovely waitress who paid special attention to Jackson . No matter that she got our order wrong and was slow to refill my cup . Her attitude toward my grandson is what garnered her a 30 % tip . Jackson had his usual pancakes and orange soda . I had my usual pancakes , bacon , and coffee . Although I considered getting a waffle instead , when I asked Jackson if I should , he shook his head . When the only thing left on my plate was the excess syrup , I wiped my hands on the condensation from my water glass , rubbed my hands together , and dried them with my napkin . Jackson watched closely . So I explained what is probably the redneck way to clean your hands after a meal . He then did it like a pro and , judging by his expression , thought it was pretty cool . How could I have missed teaching him this valuable lesson before now ? At Walmart , Jackson leads ; I follow . He went straight for the deodorant aisle and selected two twin packs of Axe . " Two , " he said . Good try , buddy . I pointed out that there were actually four cans in two twin packs and specified that he could get either one twin pack or two individual cans . ( He 's already got dozens of cans of his current obsession . ) Several minutes of tough negotiations followed . Jackson finally walked away with two cans . And I strutted behind with the sound of Tom Petty 's voice in my head . I will stand . My . Ground . . . And I won 't . Back . Down . ( You know that 's how he sings it , right ? ) Like a man on a mission , Jackson plowed ahead to a display of travel - sized toiletries in the main aisle . Immediately zeroing in on a particular bin of assorted items , he shoved his hands in and pulled out two small cans of Axe from beneath the pile . How 'd he know they were in there ? It 's like he 's got a sixth sense about smelly stuff . " Alright , you can get those , " I sighed , thinking that at least they were just a buck apiece . Turns out they were $ 2 each . When I realized that Jackson ended up with the equivalent of three cans , Tom Petty stopped singing . All I heard was a " still small voice " ( as King James put it ) . Pride goeth before destruction , and a haughty spirit before a fall . As we drove to my house , Jackson reached over and clasped my hand , intertwining our fingers . I love it when he does that . And it 's a good thing I can drive just fine with one hand because there 's no way I 'm letting go of his . Settled in front of my big new monitor with his Axe and an orange soda , Jackson played video games , listened to music , and checked out the full range of scents available for his next purchase of Axe . But most of the time , he played with airplane flight simulators . For years Jackson has been studying control panels and practicing to be a pilot . I have no doubt that if you put that boy in a cockpit , he 'd know exactly what to do . I 've always longed to know what Jackson is thinking . To hear him express his thoughts and feelings with words . But at least he can use a few words , either spoken or typed , to let us know what he wants . I 'm thankful for that . Not shown during the burning of the candles : Jackson reading for a second time the card I made him - all 90 - something words of the message ! ( He 's always been a good reader . ) That boy really knows how to make a good thing last . For gifts , Jackson got various fragrant products and money to buy more . He had a fun time shopping at his favorite places - Target , Walmart , and Bath & Body Works . Every time Jackson got his hands full of lotions and other fragrant items , he would drop them in the basket and exclaim , " Happy birthday ! " It was such a joy watching him open gifts . But when he opened one box and saw just the tissue paper , he set it aside , then looked toward the pile for his next gift . I 'm sure that one was a disappointment until I showed him what was beneath the paper . Two weeks before Christmas , Jackson spent the night . First on the agenda was the Christmas concert given by Symphony North of Houston . Between some of the songs , Jackson would turn to me and gleefully exclaim , " Hi ! " He was obviously enjoying the performance . But when I asked during intermission if he wanted to wait and hear more music or go ahead and leave , he replied , " Walmart . " Jackson then selected cheese and crackers , macaroni and cheese , and candy . I suggested some breakfast foods for the morning , but he didn 't want any . I wonder . . . did he think if none of his breakfast foods were in my kitchen that I 'd take him out for pancakes ? That 's exactly what happened , so maybe it was by design . He was happy to be at Denny 's . So was I . We had good pancakes and a great waitress . I appreciated that she took note of Jackson 's name as I spoke to him and that she called him by name when she returned to our table . Then as we were leaving , she called out , " Bye , Jackson ! " I was compelled to turn back , double her tip , and thank her for being kind to my grandson . I guess some people ignore Jackson because they don 't know how to interact with him . But really , all they need to do is simply acknowledge him . Just talk to him like they would any other kid . Even if he doesn 't respond in some way , that doesn 't mean he doesn 't appreciate it . And you can bet I do , even if I don 't say so . After breakfast , spa day began . I gave Jackson a mani - pedi , hand and foot massages , and for my first time , a shave . ( His ' stache remains , but that scraggly goatee had to go ! ) We brushed his teeth , combed his hair , and put some of that deodorant where it was meant to be . Angy told me the next day that Jackson must have had a good time because he kept talking about me . " What was he saying ? " I asked . " Nana , " she replied . Awww . . . to me anyway , that says a lot . Drifting into a light sleep , she was awoken by the sound of paper rustling in his room down the hall . Angy flew out of bed in a panic that he had smuggled food from the kitchen . She was relieved to find Jackson sitting up in bed with a bag of his body lotions . Maybe he was smelling the lotions to soothe himself . When I picked them up in the early morning , Angy had slept only about 2 hours . Even so , she had to be my copilot and help me navigate the beaucoup lane changes on the already - crowded Houston freeways . Everything went like clockwork after that , and it wasn 't long before we were called out of the waiting room . As soon as Jackson saw the bed , he shook his head and sat in one of the chairs beside it . After the various members of the medical team came by to talk to Angy , it was time to prepare Jackson for the cath lab . They gave him an oral sedative so he could handle them doing the IVs and other pre - op stuff . When we noticed the sedative taking effect , Angy and I got Jackson in the bed , although not positioned correctly . He was so relaxed by then that he couldn 't move himself , and he was too much dead weight for us to handle . It took 2 people on the count of 3 to move our big doll using the " lift pad " beneath him . We kissed Jackson before they wheeled him away . Then we sat on the chairs next to the empty spot where his bed had been and prayed over every aspect of the procedure and every person involved . It 's so comforting to know that Almighty God is sovereign , watching over all , and having His way in everything . We rested in the assurance that Jackson was in the best Hands . Next was a tasty breakfast at the Bertner Avenue Cafe in the basement . That 's right , I said tasty . It 's one perk anyway that a visit to the hospital offers . Be anxious for nothing , but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God . And the peace of God , which surpasses all comprehension , will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus ( Phil . 4 : 6 - 7 ) . Angy got regular update calls from David , one of the best nurses we 've met . During the first call , he told Angy how he had been present at every one of Jackson 's surgeries in the past and could recall details about them . He was reassuring , kind , amusing , and delightful . God bless you , David , and other nurses like you . What a difference you make . Dr . Qureshi met with us afterward and delivered the great news that everything went as well as it could have . Jackson 's arteries had substantial narrowing , and the blood pressure in his lower extremities was significantly higher than in his upper extremities . After dilating Jackson 's stents , the difference went from 70 points to 40 , far from ideal but a marked improvement . Hopefully , the surgery will leave him feeling better and more energetic . But first he had to get through recovery , which is always a rough time for Jackson . We had asked the medical team to remove Jackson 's breathing tube the instant he regained consciousness so he wouldn 't freak out . All the tubes and paraphernalia that have to remain are bothersome enough , especially for a boy who can 't even tolerate a band - aid . Adding to Jackson 's distress was having to lie flat all afternoon , except he occasionally jerked upright to throw up from the anesthesia . Because Jackson has a severe case of complex sleep apnea - a combination of central ( brain - related ) and obstructive ( body - related ) apnea - the anesthesiologist was perhaps overly cautious and had Jackson stay in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit ( PICU ) overnight . If that happens again , I think we might argue against it . Sleeping in PICU is impossible , so Jackson never wore a sleep mask anyway . He definitely would have gotten more rest and been less stressed in a private room . The stream of visits from hospital personnel is a steady flow in PICU . Every few minutes it seemed , someone would step in to introduce themselves , ask questions about Jackson , and often poke , prod , or check something . Several times when someone came to his bedside , Jackson dismissed them abruptly by saying " Bye ! " in a commanding voice . One person even got a " Bye - bye ! " the second she walked in the door . Jackson 's words aren 't always clear , but those sure were , especially since they were accompanied with a dismissive wave of his hand . Jackson did , however , welcome a visit by a young , pretty nurse . He said " Hi " in his sweet , friendly voice , then pointed out his hair and his teeth for her to notice . She told him how handsome he was . Jackson was beaming the whole time she was there . The other bright spot in the afternoon came when Nurse David stopped by to say hello and spread a little cheer . In the evening , Jackson got a roommate . Unfortunately , it was a post - op baby whose mother visited just briefly before retiring to the waiting room to sleep in one of the recliners . From about 10 : 30 that night until 8 : 30 the next morning , the poor little fella lay there by himself , crying off and on something pitiful . Jackson was never alone for a second . Angy and I took turns staying with him and trying to get a little sleep in the waiting room . She tried first but couldn 't get to sleep , so she came back to relieve me about 1 : 00 a . m . Two recliners down from the baby 's snoring mother , I crashed hard and quick . Even though I 'd had only 5 hours of sleep the night before , I woke up feeling rested after just an hour and a half . So I told Angy to go try again , and she was finally able to sleep nearly 3 hours . Sitting in the uncomfortable chair in Jackson 's freezing room , I was soon wishing that I could doze off . But it was merely a pipe dream . If the baby wasn 't crying , someone was popping in - a nurse to take Jackson 's temperature , a cleaning lady to empty the trash , and so on . In between the crying and the constant interruptions , Jackson 's monitor was blasting alarms . A nurse would come press a button on the monitor and occasionally adjust the electrodes stuck on his chest or the monitor taped to his finger . Then the alarms would soon start beeping again . I couldn 't stop myself from counting the number of beeps before the nurse came back . It seemed to take her longer each time . Sometimes when my eyes were closed , Jackson would say " Hi ! " so that I 'd look at him . Then he 'd point to the area he wanted massaged , either his feet , hands , arms , or shoulders . Although the time seemed to go by painfully slow , I was still thankful to have the opportunity to be there with my Jack . When Angy staggered back into the room after her nap , we got a little " judgy " ( as she called it ) about the snoring mother in the waiting room . And when Angy walked past her around 8 : 00 to grab some breakfast , the mother was sitting up in the recliner , wrapped in a blanket , and playing on her phone . I guess she wasn 't even curious about how her baby was doing . Half an hour later , the mother sauntered in with wet hair and wearing clean clothes , obviously having taken advantage of the shower facilities . It wasn 't long before she was gone again . Maybe it was because I was running on empty and had a bumpy ride through the night , but that really burned my hide . Who has to shower and shampoo after only 1 night in the hospital anyway ? ( We knew she had arrived the same day that we did . ) I didn 't even take time to brush my teeth - just picked them with an interdental cleaner and chewed some spearmint gum . Why leave a kid 's bedside when you don 't have to ? At any rate , I like to think of myself as a devoted nana rather than one who 's just happy to have an excuse for being slack with personal hygiene . And I 'll admit that I was tempted to say something judgy to the baby 's mother . But instead , I just prayed for the little guy , that God would heal him , comfort him , bring people into his life who would take care of him , and someday bring him to faith in Christ . Even when there 's nothing else we can do for someone , we can pray , and that 's a lot actually . I also thanked God once again for giving Jackson to us , but this time I added " instead of to someone like her . " ( Was that wrong ? ) When Dr . Qureshi made his rounds , he told us that he had ordered an ultrasound and x - rays to make sure Jackson 's stents hadn 't moved and that we could go home after he got the results . Then his nurse ( the one we weren 't happy with about all the rescheduling ) came in and said that we didn 't need to wait for the results , that Dr . Qureshi wouldn 't be able to read them until later anyway because he 'd be in surgery , and they would just call Angy with the results since the doctor didn 't anticipate a problem . Yay ! We were all anxious to get out of there . The ultrasound took a while , and it was important for Jackson to remain still , but he jiggles his legs when he 's nervous . So Angy massaged one leg while I did the other one , and we had to keep soothing him and reminding him to be still . Then the baby started crying again , which unsettled Jackson . Angy asked the nurse , firmly but calmly , to please get the mother to take care of her baby so Jackson 's ultrasound could be done . The nurse said that the mother " had some things to do . " Angy then basically said to just get the screaming kid out of there , so the nurse removed him from the room . She and the other nurses took turns holding him until Jackson 's tests were over . At least the little guy finally got held . ( Oops , there I go being judgy again . ) And by the way , the rooms weren 't all full , so we questioned the judgment of putting a crying baby in the same room with a special - needs teenager who has dangerously high blood pressure . All things considered , Jackson did surprisingly well with the ultrasound . But then came the dreaded x - ray machine . We don 't know what it is about x - rays , but they upset Jackson terribly . They don 't take long , nothing touches him , and he only has to remain still a few seconds for each picture . But that poor boy cries like he 's frightened out of his mind and experiencing tremendous pain . It 's absolutely heartbreaking to watch . After that ordeal , Angy began getting him dressed to leave . The nurse said that the PICU doctor would have to review the test results and determine whether Jackson could be discharged . Uh - uh . That 's not how it works . Angy told her that we would be following the orders of Jackson 's doctor and no one else . When the nurse saw that we 'd had enough of PICU , she ordered a wheelchair for Jackson . We pushed him out of the room , but the nurse stopped us . It seems that she ordered the " wrong kind of transport . " The one she should have ordered comes with a person to push it . Seriously ? We just stood there in the hallway , too tired to argue . Then the nurse finally decided that she could push the wheelchair . ( Deep breaths . . . ) On the way home , we made the requisite stop at Walgreen 's to get Jackson more body lotion - 8 tubes this time instead of 5 since this was after the actual surgery . Then we drove through Chick - fil - A to get that starving boy something to eat . ( He had tried a bite of the non - food - like pancakes in PICU and spit it out . ) That afternoon , I had the best nap of my life . Angy said that she and Jackson did too , until she was awoken by the little ones coming home from school . Five - year - old Sara , apparently not understanding her own words , greeted her groggy mother by saying , " I can 't believe Jackson survived the surgery ! " God only knows what was going on in that little head of hers . In late July , Jackson had his annual exam with his cardiologist , Dr . Wolf , who scheduled an MRI for 2 weeks later to check out Jackson 's stents . Next was an appointment with Dr . Qureshi , who replaced our beloved Dr . Petit as the heart catheterization ( cath ) doctor at Texas Children 's Hospital . Dr . Qureshi said that Jackson would most likely need surgery to dilate the stents and he 'd prefer to do everything at one time so Jackson wouldn 't have to be under anesthesia twice . We liked the plan . However , it meant that the combined procedure ( the " cath lab " ) would be a month away instead of 2 weeks , so it would be even longer before we 'd know about the state of Jackson 's stents . Because it had been over 4 years since his previous cath surgery , we were anxious about how the stents were doing . Dr . Petit had said they would narrow over time and need to be dilated in a few years . The more narrow they become , the more stress is on Jackson 's heart and the worse he feels . It 's a gradual thing , so it 's hard for Angy to see a difference in how he might be feeling , which he 's never been able to express anyway . We can only discern the basics , like when he 's happy ( which is , thankfully , most of the time ) , upset , or angry . Jackson 's verbal communications have improved , but we can 't always understand what he 's saying so we 'll ask him to type it . On a computer , he 'll type what he wants to convey in the browser search box , and on a phone , using the notepad . Angy could tell something was wrong with Jackson recently . She handed him her phone and told him to " type what 's wrong . " When he handed back the phone , Angy read , " What wrong . " At least Jackson is a good speller . The cath lab was scheduled for September 4 at 8 : 00 a . m . , which meant a 6 : 00 a . m . arrival time . We were happy to be first on the schedule since Jackson can 't eat or drink beforehand , and it 's really hard on him ( and us ) if we have to wait a long time . At 6 : 00 the evening before , Dr . Qureshi 's nurse called Angy and said they were moving Jackson back to 1 : 00 p . m . to do another patient ahead of him . They weren 't sure what all was going to be needed in the first procedure and had no idea how long it would last , so who knew when or even if Jackson 's would be done . But the nurse assured Angy repeatedly that regardless of how long the first procedure took , Dr . Qureshi would do Jackson 's afterward . Angy checked with the nurse the following morning before we left to make sure that everything was on schedule and that Jackson 's cath lab would indeed take place that day . She was assured once again that it would . So we arrived at Texas Children 's by the appointed time of 11 : 00 for the 1 : 00 procedure . Jackson was so nervous by that time that we could feel the car move as he jiggled his legs . But walking down the hall toward the surgery waiting room , Jackson led the way in his recently developed attitude of " let 's get this thing done . " What a brave boy he is . As he reached for the door handle , Angy got a call from the nurse and told Jackson to wait . Incredulously , Angy was informed that his cath lab would be rescheduled . It 's difficult not to be incensed when you feel like your child is being treated like he doesn 't matter and you 're getting jerked around . Angy told the nurse that we would wait at the hospital until we were given a new date and that it had better be soon . She also expressed her displeasure about receiving assurance a mere 2 hours ago and now being told to just go home . We waited quite a while for the nurse to call back . She said that Jackson 's new appointment was on October 6 , which was another month away ! Having been told by his cardiologist back in July that he needed an MRI as soon as possible , that just wasn 't acceptable . Angy let the nurse know that we would continue to wait while they came up with a better solution . As we waited , we talked about God 's sovereignty , how nothing happens without His permission , and how His timing is always perfect . We talked about how God knows all things , and apparently , that day wasn 't the right one for Jackson 's cath lab . Reminding ourselves that God is in 100 % control of every detail in every situation helped to calm us down and keep us from chewing out the nurse . The next call Angy received was just more of a frustrating runaround . She was finally told that they would have to get back to her about a possible earlier date . On the way home , we had to stop at Walgreen 's so Jackson could get some scented body lotion ( yes , had to ) . After dropping Angy off at her house , I brought Jackson home with me , so at least I didn 't burn a vacation day for nothing . Finally able to eat , Jackson got to enjoy a big cheese quesadilla , then an afternoon of lying in my bed , watching Team Umizoomi videos , inspecting his 5 new body lotions , and getting foot and hand massages . It turned out to be a good day after all . Jackson has a high tolerance for pain , so when he spent an entire night pointing at his tooth and crying , Angy knew it was bad . Christian and Sara tried everything they could to make their big brother feel better , but nothing seemed to help . And since Jackson cried all night , Angy did too . When Jackson has his teeth worked on ( which always includes a deep cleaning and whatever they find that needs fixing ) , it 's by the dental surgeon and under general anesthesia . Since it 's a big deal for a child with aortic stenosis to have anesthesia , Jackson has to be examined by his cardiologist first . His annual checkup happened to be the following week , so everything was falling into place , and the appointment went well . Jackson 's blood pressure is still high , but it 's what 's normal for him , so he got the green light for surgery . ( An MRI under light sedation will follow in a few weeks to check out his stents . ) The dental surgery was infinitely better than our last experience about five years ago . By the time we were called to the recovery room back then , Jackson was awake , freaked - out , and inconsolable . For hours , he fussed , cried , made loud guttural noises , gagged , and threw up blood . At one point , it took four of us - two nurses , Angy , and myself - to restrain him . As we struggled , I slipped in some of his vomit on the floor and wrenched my back . It was a tough day for all of us . This time , however , we were in the recovery room before Jackson came to . I think that helped , plus the fact that he 's older and more accustomed to hospital visits . Like I told him in the car on the way there , he 's getting to be a pro at this kind of stuff . The instant Jackson opened his eyes , he had a sudden look of terror . Angy and I rushed to his side to calm him down . The nurse quickly removed his oxygen mask and the tube from his throat . Jackson gagged and threw up a few times , and although it took almost three hours before they let him go , there was none of the ruckus like last time . Thank you , Jesus . I came prepared with an attachment from my back massager that Jackson likes me to use on him . It 's flat on one side and round on the other , so I palm the flat side and rub his back with the round side . I did it pretty much nonstop . Jackson said " iPhone " to Angy because he wanted to listen to music . Even though cell phones are prohibited in the recovery room , the nurse said it would be OK . ( Good nurses are worth their weight in gold . ) He first listened to Linkin Park . The nurse smiled and said it wasn 't what she was accustomed to hearing in the children 's recovery room . Then he listened to Florence and the Machine , Beastie Boys , Black Eyed Peas , and . . . Mickey Mouse . Between the music and the back massage , Jackson was able to remain calm . He wasn 't as nervous and anxious beforehand , either , as previous times . When a nurse called us from the waiting room for some prep work , Jackson walked ahead of us , as if eager to get it over with . She held open the waiting room door as we walked through , and Jackson forged ahead like a man on a mission . Since he seemed to be leading the way , the nurse called out directions : " To the right , through the doors on the left , and it 's the first room on the left . " Jackson went straight to the room , opened the door , and took a seat as we filed in behind him . I found that to be somewhat amazing . When it was time for the surgery , Jackson led the pack again with his " let 's do this thing " demeanor . He walked ahead of the anesthesiologist and the nurse , with Angy and me bringing up the rear . As we reached the double doors , we were told to return to the waiting room and they 'd call us when he was in recovery . It seemed strange to see Jackson just walk off with them like that . A memory flashed in my mind of us watching him as a toddler being pulled away in a red wagon to surgery . Things sure have changed . Some things remain the same , though , like Jackson 's affinity for the gift shop . He pointed at it when we arrived at the hospital , and I told him that afterward he could get whatever he wanted . He smiled and said in his sing - song voice , " I love you . " Angy said that when she brought him for his appointment two weeks prior , the exact conversation took place between the two of them , even down to him saying , " I love you , " at the same spot . What a precious deja vu moment . It was after 4 : 00 by the time Jackson was released . He was still feeling the effects of the anesthesia and didn 't even seem to notice the gift shop as he was wheeled past it . At least while we were waiting , Angy had the foresight to get him a treat from there that he could enjoy the following day . But next time , we 're going to arrive extra early so that boy can visit the gift shop before his surgery . All in all , things couldn 't have worked out better , even traffic - wise . Traveling to the hospital that morning , we had two near misses on the freeway because of other drivers not paying attention . If either one had happened , it would have been a serious accident . Mere inches and split seconds made the difference . And driving back from the Medical Center in 5 : 00 traffic could have taken hours , but we kept moving the whole way home . Give ear , O Lord , to my prayer ; And give heed to the voice of my supplications ! In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You , For You will answer me . There is no one like You among the gods , O Lord , Nor are there any works like Yours . ( Psalm 86 : 6 - 8 ) November 7 , 2009 : 4 , 177 days . That 's how long it 's been since Jackson started his life journey - and how long it 's taken me to start writing about my special grandson . Now that he 's 11 and about to undergo surgery for aortic stenosis , I 'm finally turning from procrastinator to blogging nana . |
" I 'm going to bed . We 've got a long hike in the morning and I don 't want to spend the night jumping in fear at every sound I hear . Good night everyone , " said Stacy getting up and going into one of the tents . " This happened long ago when I was a kid . I was twelve and we were camping near Kalgoorlie . My Dad had just bought a metal detector so we spent our days prospecting for gold . He was convinced that he would find a gold nugget like the Welcome Stranger nugget . Mum and I were bored after the first few days . I spent most of my time in the tent reading and imagining the fun my friends were getting up to without me . The nights were fun though , we 'd have a camp fire and roast marshmallows . Dad would tell us scary camp stories , like the one you just tried to tell Ben , that 's how old it is ! " Anyway , every night his stories got scarier and scarier . We were camped out in the middle of the desert and I would go to sleep each night imagining the wild dingoes circling our tent . In the desert the night sounds are amplified . It was a miracle I got any sleep at all . Each morning I 'd check around our tent for animal tracks , but there were only ever kangaroo tracks , so I was worrying for nothing . Except on the last night . Everything changed that night . " The others leaned in , the flames from the fire leaping up and casting eerie shadows on their faces . " Don 't stop there . What happened next ? " asked Claire , holding on tightly to her partner Matt . " No , I shouldn 't say any more , " said Millicent sitting back on her chair . " It 's been a secret for nearly ten years , it should stay that way . Ben , you can tell your story . " " You can 't get half way through a story and then just stop Millicent , " pleaded Matt . " That 's like those people who write enigmatic posts on Facebook . They know people are going to ask what they are talking about . You have to finish the story now . " " Do you all promise that you will never tell this story to anyone ? " Millicent asked leaning in and looking from face to face . They all nodded . " I need to hear you all say the words . " A chorus of " I promise " went up around the circle . " Okay . On the last night I woke to the sound of raised voices . I could hear my father arguing with another man . As I said , we were in the desert camping on our own . We had driven into Kalgoorlie for supplies once , but other than that we hadn 't seen anyone else during our time away . I didn 't know what time it was , but it was pitch black . Looking out of the tent I could see the dying embers of the fire and the lights of a car outlining the silhouettes of my father , my mother standing just behind him and the man he was arguing with . It was too dark to make out any of the stranger 's features , but his voice was distinctive . He spoke with a slow drawl , each vowel drawn out a beat too long . I could see that he was carrying a shotgun . I sat at the entrance to the tent listening to the exchange . ' I already told you . I haven 't found anything of value , but you 're welcome to it , ' my father explained . I could see the man gesture to my mother with the tip of his rifle to go and collect what my father had collected . She came to the tent and was surprised to see me sitting at the entrance . She put her finger to her lips to silence me . I could see her hand was shaking . She reached into the tent and pulled out the small pouch where my father kept the few little gold nuggets he had found and took it back to the man . He looked inside and then put the pouch into his front pocket . " That 's not all , " said Millicent . " We quickly packed up our tent and camping equipment under the watchful eyes of the stranger with his rifle . There was no moon that night and somehow my Dad must have taken a wrong turn because instead of getting back onto the main highway we found ourselves driving around in circles . My mother was getting hysterical and my father was strangely silent . I imagined his knuckles white as he clutched the steering wheel . After an hour or so of driving around with no road in sight , my Dad pulled over and decided that it would be better to wait until daylight to see where we were . We spent the rest of the night sleeping fitfully . " Cameron was my brother , " answered Millicent . No - one knew where to look , a shiver ran through Claire 's body . Matt pulled her closer to him and nodded to Millicent to carry on . " We had been planning on driving back to Perth that day . We were going to eat breakfast and stop in Kalgoorlie to get petrol and stock up on water and snacks and then drive home . Worst case scenario , as long as we found our way to Kalgoorlie by nightfall we would be okay . " If you have been to Kalgoorlie you will know that the surrounding area is flat , so there were no hills for us to get a view of where we were . We knew that where we had been led to nowhere , so there was no point following those tracks . We ate our breakfast and set off to the south . Where we had camped was only about a kilometre from the road , so my Dad reasoned that we couldn 't be that far from a road , but we drove to the south for an hour and didn 't get to a road . My mum was starting to panic , imagining us running out of petrol , so Dad stopped the car . The fuel light was on . Running out of petrol was a real possibility . It was warming up and we needed to watch our water , but Dad and I decided to keep going on foot , to see if the road was close . We walked for an hour and saw nothing except mirages and some lizards lazing of the red rocks . Following our tracks we headed back to the car . " Our problem was that no - one would be looking for us and that when they did start looking for us they wouldn 't know where to look . We had told our friends we were going prospecting near Kalgoorlie , but that was as specific as we had been . The only person who knew where we had been camping was the stranger who was responsible for the predicament we were now in . It was unlikely he would say anything if and when a missing person 's report was made . " We spent the rest of the day trying to stay cool and rationing out the water . As night fell Dad dug a small hole and set up a piece of plastic in the hopes of catching some dew in the night . Hungry , we did our best to sleep . I did doze off because when I woke my mother was crying and holding Cameron . He hadn 't had any insulin since the morning before and had slipped into insulin shock . He was shaking and sweaty , losing water that his body couldn 't afford to spare . If we didn 't get him some food soon he would slip into a coma and die . " Dad was searching through the car looking for any food we may have missed , boiled sweets , anything , but I knew there was nothing as Cameron and I had looked through it thoroughly the day before . As Mum held him she was trying to get him to take small sips of water , but he was shaking too much . I had seen him like this once before , it was scary , his eyes rolling back in his head , the whites showing . Cameron was my twin , I never understood why he was born with diabetes and I wasn 't . It didn 't seem fair . He was a nicer person that me , a better , kinder person . If I could have taken his diabetes from him I would have in a heartbeat . " That day we watched helplessly as Cameron slipped away from us , offering what little comfort and support we could . By nightfall , Cameron had taken his last laboured breath . We had no tears but were bereft . I spent the night lying by my twin brother 's side . " At first light , I set off towards the east , we had not gone in that direction yet . My steps were mechanical . I felt nothing as I put one foot in front of the other , there seemed no point in finding our way out now except that Cameron could be given a proper resting place . " I hadn 't been walking for very long when I saw a house , a shanty really . Leaning against the veranda was a rifle . I walked towards it and picked it up . I had never held a gun before and was surprised , it was lighter than I expected it to be . I turned it over in my hands inspecting it . It seemed a simple object , not many parts . The trigger was obvious , there was a catch which I assumed must be the safety . I put it up to my face and looked down the sight , imagined pulling the trigger . I was about the put it back where I had found it and knock on the door to ask for help when from behind me I heard a voice . It was a voice I recognised . It was the voice of the stranger who had made us pack our things up in the middle of the night . Adjusting the safety catch I turned towards the direction of the voice . I put the gun up to my face , saw the stranger in my sight and pulled the trigger . I was surprised at the jolt I got from the gun and had to steady myself so as not to fall backward . I was also surprised at the stranger who now lay before me , a blossom of red spreading on his chest . " I really hope so Ella , I don 't think I can handle the disappointment of not getting pregnant again . Every month the let down gets worse . Jack never talks about it , but I know it 's taking its toll on him emotionally too . The doctor says that if we don 't fall pregnant this time we 'll have to look at IVF , which we will have to take a loan out for , so fingers crossed . " " Well if anyone deserves a baby it 's you , you 'll make a great mum . I 'm sure tonight 's the night , just relax . I read somewhere that stress can have an affect on whether or not you fall pregnant , so think calming thoughts for the rest of the day . Are you planning a romantic night , or do you intend to just jump each other 's bones ? " " Romantic I think . I 'm going to get champagne , light candles , I might even scatter some rose petals on the bed . We 've become so focused on getting pregnant that the last few times have been perfunctory . Jack made a comment about feeling like a sperm bank . I want to make it up to him , show him how much I love him . " Sally only works a short bus ride from home so is always the first one to get home . She had stopped on her way home to pick up a bottle of French champagne , which now sits in an ice bucket with two champagne flutes , gifts from their wedding . She has a quick shower and walks naked from the bathroom to the bedroom . She moisturises lavishly and dabs perfume behind her ears , onto her wrists and behind her knees . She brushes her hair and toys with pulling it up into a ponytail , but in the end , decides to leave it out . She looks through her lingerie drawer and debates whether to go with sultry seductress , or girl next door . Deciding on sultry seductress she pulls out a red silk negligee which Jack had bought her last year , but she has barely worn . She pulls it over her head , the soft fabric cool on her skin . She sends a text to Jack , " ETA ? " " 40 mins an hour tops , " comes his reply . No rush then she thinks , she has plenty of time to get everything ready . She goes to the living room and chooses a playlist . Ed Sheerin 's " Thinking Out Loud " plays as she walks to the kitchen and pulls four of the red roses out of the bouquet she had bought on the way home . Starting at the front door she begins pulling off the petals and making a trail of them leading to the bedroom . With the remainder , she sprinkles the petals on the bed . She then stands back and admires the room , once the candles are lit it will look very romantic . Jack will definitely be surprised . Sally goes to the front door and unlocks it and then grabs the champagne and glasses from the kitchen and takes them through to the bedroom . " Front door open xxx , " she messages to Jack . She walks back into the kitchen to grab a lighter to light the candles and is walking into the bedroom when she is grabbed roughly by the waist , her feet lifted off the ground . She tries to scream , but as she opens her mouth something is shoved inside her mouth making her gag , she can taste her vomit and smell motor oil . She is flipped over onto her bed . Above her stands a man wearing worn denim jeans , a blue and black checked shirt and a clown mask , the mouth a permanent laugh . " Don 't move and you live , " he says , his voice low and gravelly . He begins to undo his belt and Sally whimpers , crawling backward up her bed , feeling with her fingers for anything on the night table to her right . " I said don 't move bitch ! " The man , his belt undone now , comes towards her in two easy steps . He slaps her face , his big meaty hand making an audible noise as it connects with Sally 's tear - drenched cheek . He wrenches her up by her arms and using his belt , he ties her wrists to one of the bedposts . In no time he has his penis inside her , sliding in easily , her fertile body betraying her . Four violent thrusts and Sally feels him ejaculate , his body shudder . She lies still , tears seeping out of her closed eyes , not wanting to look at this man who has violated her . She feels him withdraw , senses him move beside her , feels the belt loosen then her arms drop . She listens to his footsteps retreating on the hardwood floor . She counts to ten , then to twenty , then to one hundred . Tentatively she reaches across to her mouth and pulls out the cloth sodden with her snot and tears , a little bit of vomit and an essence of motor fuel . She curls up , her knees to her chest and lets the deep , racking sobs out . After the rape Sally refuses to talk about it , making Jack promise to tell no - one . Jack calls the police when he arrives home a few minutes after the rapist has left and they go to the hospital where a rape kit is collected . Sally takes a week off work saying she has the flu , but other than that she pretends that everything is normal , until now . Sally 's period is late , it has been late before , but only three or four days late . Her period is now two weeks late . She tries not to think about it , to put it out of her mind , but every time she goes to the toilet and looks down to see her spotless underwear it was there as a reminder . Jack raised the subject the night before , but she shut him down , refusing to talk about it and then going to bed early . Sally 's phone beeps , it 's a message from Jack , " Babe , want me to make a drs appt ? " She ignores it and turns her phone to silent , putting it in her top drawer . She turns back to her computer and the design she was working on . Ella pops up above the partition , Sally sighs involuntarily and sees the look of hurt cross Ella 's face . She has distanced herself from Ella since the rape . Where they used to have lunch together two or three times a week and chat daily , Sally has made excuses not to go to lunch each time Ella has asked and has cut short each conversation they have had . She knows it is just a matter of time before Ella asks how her romantic night was and she doesn 't want to have to lie about it . " Is , er , is everything alright Sally , have I offended you in some way , or has something happened between you and Jack ? You haven 't seemed yourself lately . If I 've done something I want to know or if you and Jack are having trouble , well , I 'm your friend , you can talk to me . " " No , really everything is great . Of course you haven 't offended me and Jack and I are great . I 'm just not sleeping very well , that 's all and the Clarke job is trickier than it first looked . Each time I submit my plans to them , they want to make changes , " says Sally . " Now I really do have to get back to it . " When Sally gets off the bus , instead of turning right towards home , she turns left towards the small strip of shops . Here there is a chemist . Sally purchases a pregnancy test and then heads home . Two years ago when she and Jack had first started trying for a baby Sally would buy an early detection pregnancy test every time she was a few days late . She and Jack would sit in anticipation willing the blue line to appear as the minute ticked on , sometimes imagining that there was a faint trace of a line only for her to wake with her period the next day . After the sixth or seventh month , she had stopped buying them , the disappointment too great . When she gets home she opens the test and goes to the toilet . By the time she has flushed , the second blue line that has always been so elusive is standing out brightly against the white background . Placing it on the table , she takes a picture of it and sends it to Jack with the message , " What now ? " She doesn 't expect an answer and she doesn 't get one . She keeps herself busy getting dinner ready . " Just quiet then , " states the technician . It isn 't a question . " Look there 's the baby 's heartbeat , nice and strong . Here 's the head , here 's one arm , the other one looks like it 's tucked up behind , we might get a better look at that a bit later , legs . Baby 's head is pointing downwards , only a few months to go and you 'll get to meet him or her . I bet you 've started getting all clucky ? " " Right , always nice to keep it a surprise I think , " comments the technician . " I 'll just take some photos and then you can hop down . There you go , all done . " " Wait ! " calls out the technician . " You forgot your photos , that 's usually the first thing people ask for , " she says , a scowl on her face . " And here 's that list I mentioned , these are just the basics , most people buy more than what 's on the list , but this is a good starting point . " " Are you for real Sally ? Photos of your baby and you left them in Jack 's car , " Ella says incredulously . " You are so vague and forgetful these days , make sure you bring them tomorrow , I want to see them , okay ? " " Well the mum - to - be barely looked at the ultrasound , I think the dad only looked out of politeness , then when they were leaving they forgot to take the photos with them . That 's a first ! When I think of my sister who 's just had her second miscarriage and is so desperate for a baby and then these two come in and don 't seem to give a damn . It makes my blood boil , where 's the justice ? " Sally heaves herself out of her chair , feels like a beached whale , there is nothing glamorous about the last month of pregnancy where every movement is a gargantuan effort . She has been having contractions for just over an hour , but they are still twenty minutes apart and she has read that they need to be minutes apart before going to the hospital . She wants the pregnancy to be over so she can get her body back , but that also means meeting the product of her rape and having to look into the eyes of a baby who will be a daily reminder of that violent act . For the last few weeks she has been having vivid dreams where he is back in the room , on top of her , she can smell his sweat and feel the gag in her throat . He has never been caught , she fears her dreams could come true . She calls Jack at work and tells him it 's time to come home , she has no idea how quickly the contractions will move from twenty minutes apart to minutes apart , best to play it safe she thinks . She moves around , finds it 's easier to deal with the pain this way . When Jack gets home forty minutes later the contractions are ten minutes apart . Despite her protestations he insists on taking her straight to the hospital . Her bag is packed , has been ready for the last two weeks in anticipation . Each time she sees it when she opens the hall cupboard she is filled with a sense of dread . She knows that dread is not the predominant feeling a mother to - be should be feeling . " And last push , big push now Sally , you 're doing great , " says the midwife . " Here we are , a little boy . Here you go dad , you can cut the cord . Now we 'll just get him cleaned up and then you can have a proper look at him Sally . " I couldn 't remember boarding the train , or why I was on it , but this did not bother me . I felt a strange sense of contentment , a sense of belonging . I was pleased to note that I had dressed well for the trip ; I was wearing a smart suit , and the shoes that Sally , my daughter , joked were my ' going out shoes . ' The carriage was about half full , with a mix of people from the very young to the very old . There were probably more of the older generation like myself on the train , but there was a baby , just a few days old by the looks of it . I hadn 't noticed it asleep in a basket until the train shuddered on the tracks and the jolt woke the baby . It woke up with a loud and piercing cry . He , or she , it was hard to tell as it was dressed all in white , was soon picked up and rocked back to sleep then placed back in its basket again where it now lay , fast asleep , rocked by the motion of the train . The carriage I found myself in was not modern by any stretch of the imagination , the leather seats were worn from many years of use . My seat was soft and comfortable , like an old glove . The carriage was lined on both sides with large sash windows , most of them open to a make the most of the impressive view as we travelled through the countryside . The toot of the train and the occasional waft of smoke alerted me to the fact that we were on a steam train , a very old train indeed . I hadn 't seen a working steam train in years , the last time I had been on a steam train was back when I was a young girl , just 19 years old travelling from Wyoming to New York City , determined to find fame and fortune . Fortune I found , fame was more elusive , and it became less important as I matured and realised that happiness was the most important thing in life . Looking back on my life I could honestly say I had led a happy life . I met Frank , my late husband , within a week of moving to New York , and together we had built a home full of love and laughter . Looking out of the window , I tried to place where we could be by looking out for geographic clues and landmarks . We were travelling up a slight incline through thick forest . I did not recognise this particular part of the country , but I guessed that we could be in Oregon or Montana . The air was clean and fresh , not too hot and not too cold , the perfect temperature . At times the thick trunks of the forest trees looked so close that it was tempting to put my hand out to touch them , and I had to remind myself that I was a respectable woman who was in her eighties and not a child . I smiled to myself as I recalled the first train trip my parents had taken my brother and me on . I could still remember what I wore : my beloved Mary Jane patent leather shoes - I could see my reflection in those shoes , the pink dress with the bow at the back , and my braids so tight they pulled . We were dressed in our Sunday best and as such , forbidden to eat anything on the journey even though the tantalising aromas of the dining car wafted our way each time the interconnecting door was opened and the tea lady with her trolley of tempting cakes and sweets kept catching my eye when she passed us . We travelled from St Paul to Chicago to stay with Aunt Nancy while my father had an important meeting in the city . After that trip we had moved to Chicago , my father getting a job there . There was never a reason to take another train trip as a family . As I sat back in the comfortable seat I tried to remember the last time I ate , but no memory came . I didn 't feel hungry , or thirsty . I resolved to make an appointment with my doctor when I got back home , maybe my memory was starting to go and I 'd end up in the newspaper , a nasty looking mugshot and the headlines reading Do You Know This Woman ? I could just imagine Sally 's reaction . Aside from finding it hilariously funny , it would be the final proof she was looking for that it was time for me to leave my home and move into a nursing home . Well , I just wasn 't ready , Dr . Knoff would have to find me some pills or brain exercises to do , I wasn 't going down without a fight . When my best friend Pam was put into a nursing home , she went from a vibrant woman who played bridge twice a week to a near vegetable who ate what could best be described as baby food and spent her days staring at the television in less than a year . I was a firm believer that nursing homes were a modern curse on the aged and I wasn 't going down that path . On this train most people , like myself , seemed to be commuting alone , however , there were a few couples , and some of the extroverts had struck up conversations with others . Never one to make friends with strangers I was happy to sit back , to watch and listen . Opposite me sat an elderly gentleman , he was dressed in a suit as were most of the men in the carriage . Like me , he seemed content to look out of the window or to watch the others in the carriage . A few times I caught his eye and quickly looked away , not wishing to strike up a conversation . Across the aisle sat a young couple . They were holding each other 's hands and carrying on a very intense , but hushed conversation ; I strained to hear a snippet of what they were saying , but could not . The woman was unnaturally beautiful , porcelain skin and the greenest eyes I had ever seen , her wavy auburn hair fell in soft curls around her face , she appeared to be agitated . She was dressed in a ruffled green dress , they both looked very smart . I guessed that they were going to a wedding , running a little late no doubt . " I am , sorry , was a stockbroker , " said the younger of the two . " Awful job in hindsight . I was married to the job , making money was all I cared about . Talk about a rude wake - up call though , heart attack on the trading floor , I 'll be the talk of Wall Street for all of five minutes , " he said with a laugh . " What about yourself ? " " Me too , " agreed his younger companion . It was quite clear to me from the way that he spoke that the younger of the two was probably going to go out and make the same mistakes he was complaining about now all over again . Some people never learn I thought to myself shaking my head . Frank and I always used to make up stories about the strangers we encountered on our travels . Strangers in a restaurant became more important than the menu on holidays as we wove intricate stories about the lives of people sitting nearby . The best thing that could happen would be to encounter the same people another night so that we could continue on with our narrative about them . It was times like these that I missed Frank the most , and I wished that he was with me now . " Well … the last I remember was driving in the hire car from the airport . We had just got onto the freeway and Ben and Ella were fighting in the back . I remember yelling at the kids to be quiet , then … " spoke a man quietly , as if to himself . I strained to hear the answer , but neither parent replied . I certainly hoped this wasn 't the train to Disneyland . I thought I could hear the sound of someone crying , but it was hard to hear over the little boy calling out ' Mummy . ' I wished that one of them would answer him to shut him up . I looked up to see a portly man walking down the aisle towards me . He looked me in the eye and smiled , I looked away , out of the window . I felt the seat compress beside me and glanced over , " Natural causes was it ? " asked the man . " For me , it was drowning , bloody embarrassing too as I was a champion swimmer as a teen . " She is a twitchy ball of energy , a body in motion and if I were to asked to place a bet I would have said from the outset that this was not going to go well . The Department of Human Services is a misnomer , a public humiliation where people are made to wait like cattle and publicly state their name and purpose then wait hopefully for their name to be called . I don 't make eye contact as I sit in my chair and watch her in the queue , as I wait to be called for my Medicare claim . Brown bare feet , but clean , bouncing from ball to ball . She wants to move but is tethered by the line , to slow for her today . I can feel her tension , one wrong look or word and she will blow . Glancing up I see she is draped in a blanket , it is a Summer 's day outside . I guess she has been sleeping rough , but not for long . She carries nothing other than the blanket and a handbag . She is Brown bare feet , but clean , bouncing from ball to ball . She wants to move but is tethered by the line , too slow for her today . I can feel her tension , one wrong look or word and she will blow . Glancing up I see she is draped in a blanket , it is a summer 's day outside . I guess she has been sleeping rough , but not for long . She carries nothing other than the blanket and a handbag . She is with a man , he is pushing an empty stroller , one of those cheap ones you can buy for under $ 30 , it is empty . Whenever he tries to talk to her she shrugs him off . Together they get to the counter , words are spoken , quietly at first . " Don 't listen to him , fuckin ' white cunt ! " She says to the staff member behind the counter . A security guard rushes over , tells her that if she doesn 't calm down she will have to leave . She tells him to fuck off and leave her alone . Someone who looks important comes over . I don 't want to stare , but it is hard not to . Behind me I hear a ruckus and I realise that she is still here . Instead of making her leave they took her straight to a consultant , I 'm impressed to see a shred of humanity does exist at the Department of Human Services . Her male friend is over talking to the staff member and her . " You stay out of it you white cunt ! " She yells at him . He moves back to his seat with the rest of us " Speak Australian ! Why can 't you speak Australian ? " She is yelling at the consultant . There is hysteria in her voice . If she doesn 't yell she will burst into tears , this is not how she planned the morning to go . She is wild now and suddenly the Department of Human Services has plenty of available staff . A semi - circle of men in suits has formed around her as if they plan to catch her like a stray dog if she tries to run . This only makes her look more desperate , angrier , she is backed into a corner like an animal , trapped . Whatever she came for , she does not have the negotiation skills to back down from this , it has escalated beyond her powers of control and she is stuck . " Hayley , boom ! Whaddup dog ? " called out Caleb as I climbed onto the school bus . I smiled indulgently and took my usual seat near the front . Caleb was probably my best friend . He had spent a week in Perth with his cousin over the Christmas holidays and had come back all gangster . Maybe it was because we were country kids and nothing very exciting happened in our small community , but every time Caleb spent time with his cousin he tried on a different personality , hoping to find one that fitted ; one that was different from farm kid . At fifteen , Caleb and I were the oldest kids who caught the district east bus to school ; next year we would both be going off to board in the city . I was the last stop before we got to school . I settled down with my book for the thirty minute drive into town , blocking out the excited back to school chatter . I was re - reading The Hunger Games for the third time . Katniss Everdeen had all of the qualities I wanted ; she was honest , bold , and brave . Glancing up from my novel , I noticed a red pram by the side of the road . It stood out starkly against the dry brown countryside . It was wedged against a tree and looked brand new , the metal was still shiny , the cloth unstained . The bright red of the pram against the faded summer foliage reminded me of a scene from a movie Caleb and I had to watch in English with a little girl in a red coat . We were in the middle of nowhere . There were no farms around here , and my farm was the last farm before we got to town . Between here and the town was just uncleared bushland . How did the pram get here ? I wondered where the mother and baby were now . I thought about the pram during school that day and wondered about its owner , the baby it was bought for . The community we lived in was sprawling , but we all knew each other 's business . There had been no births recently . Why was a brand new pram left on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere ? Had something terrible happened to the baby and the new pram been banished from sight , an unwelcome reminder ? On the way home from school I looked out for the pram . It was still there , still in the same position as it was the next day and the next . Looking out for the pram became a ritual . I longed to see it gone one day , to see it united with its owner , a bobble - topped baby peaked out from under its awning . I started to read articles in the newspapers about babies to see if I could find the pram 's owner . I read the most abhorrent things . Mothers mad with post - natal depression : drowning or smothering their babies , wracked with guilt and sadness , slipping through the system that is set up to protect them . I learned the word infanticide . I read of babysitters shaking babies , physical abuse , neglect . I learned that even doctors , whom mothers trusted the most , sometimes sent babies home to die . I was surprised there weren 't more empty prams . While waiting for the bus one afternoon , I spoke to Caleb about the pram . I asked him where he thought it came from ; he asked me what I was talking about . He had not noticed it . I told him what I had learned , felt the tears well up as I did . Caleb pulled me close and hugged me tightly saying nothing . We sat together on the way home that afternoon , not talking , just looking out of the window together . Just before my stop , Caleb told me to stop worrying , to stop learning these new words . He said it looked like the pram had probably just fallen off the back of someone 's trailer on their way home from a holiday . The next day on the bus I did not look at the pram or the day after that . I no longer worried over news stories recounting abominable acts . I was fifteen ; I had a life ahead of me for that . Times that I happened to glance up and chance to see the pram I was surprised to see it still there . This was the type of thing that the local boys would usually have collected . I remember when Caleb 's little sister had grown out of her fold - up stroller , we had spent an afternoon careening down the mud in it and into the dam until eventually it collapsed and sunk to the bottom . Caleb and I both had to go to Perth for interviews at our respective boarding schools in the October holidays ; we were nervous and apprehensive . Our mums took us down , and we stayed in the same hotel and made a holiday out of it . Caleb didn 't talk like Snoop Dogg anymore , and for the first time , I understood how easy life would be if we could simply wear the persona of another . When we got home , we had six weeks of Year 10 left and then our days at our little district school would be over . No more school bus , no more familiar faces . I wanted to press pause and hold on to time . I think Caleb did too although he would never say this . We were both quieter around each other , more reflective . On the last day of school , there was a graduation ceremony held for us . This was the tradition for all Year 10s regardless of how many students the school had graduating . Caleb and I didn 't have to wear our school uniform that day . Mum had bought me a new dress when we were in Perth , Caleb also had new clothes . We would catch the bus for the last time that morning . Our parents would be coming to the graduation and we would drive home with them . Caleb and I sat together on the bus . We would never be this close again . Neither of us said very much , both caught up in our thoughts : excitement , apprehension , fear . I was happy that Caleb had been with me for this chapter of my life . I would miss him , I think he felt the same about me . On the way home from school in the back of the car , I glanced out of the window . I saw the frame of the pram as it lay rusty in the dry scrub , its shape and form no longer recognisable . As we drove away , the last slither of pale pink fabric was picked up by the wind and danced across the windscreen before being carried away by the breeze . The toilet paper debate has even made it to prime time television . All in the Family saw Archie yelling at Meathead for hanging the toilet roll under . In a 1995 episode of The Simpsons , where the kids are taken by Child Protective Services , Marge refers to her home as a " squalid hellhole " where the toilet paper is " hung in improper overhand fashion " . The book Why Not ? by Barry Nalebuff and Ian Ayres believes that the debate is about symmetry and they compare having an under orientation with peeling a banana from the bottom , or driving from the back seat of the car . I agree ! It is obvious that when the paper is hung in an under orientation the pictures on the paper are upside down , this is not what the manufacturers intended because they know that it should be hung in an over fashion . There are lots of statistics on the subject , allow me to share a few . A 1999 survey by Cottonelle showed that 68 % of people preferred over . Another survey by Cottonelle on the 100th anniversary of Thomas Crapper 's death showed the figures had jumped to 74 % over . The results of the later survey were announced at the Academy Awards , I kid you not . This survey also indicated that overs were more likely to notice , be annoyed at unders and change the roll 's orientation at a friend 's house . The survey also showed that men were more likely to notice and be annoyed than women ( not in this house ) . There are even results based on class and politics . A survey by Sinrod ( 1989 ) showed that 60 percent of people who earn $ 50 , 000 or more prefer toilet paper to be over and 73 percent of those who earn less than $ 20 , 000 prefer it to be under . Another study shows that politically conservative people prefer under where more left wing people prefer over . Really ! Can you judge the traits of a person based on their toilet roll orientation ? It seems so . Gilda Carle , a therapist and Cottonelle consultant , has the following theories : |
This morning Elliana was playing house with the boys . She put them to bed and said in English " It is OK " . The boys even played their part and cried saying " nah Gula " ( no sleep ) It was cute . At lunch time we celebrated Elliana 's birthday . We put balloons up in the kitchen and put candles on her cake . We also got ice cream . I painted her finger nails and toe nails . This was the first time the kids have eaten ice cream . Hunter stabbed it with a fork and tried to bit it . Elliana was using a fork too . So we showed them how to use a spoon and then it went well from there . We had to take Spencer 's plate away before he started to lick it . The loved it ! We had to change shirts and then we went into the family room to open presents . She had three of them . That was a perfect amount . Any more and it would have been too overwhelming for her . She really loves the Barbie doll she got . She was hugging it and giving everyone kisses with her new barbie doll . We did get the boys a small toy each . They are happy and playing with them . With the sugar high that the kids were having we had to leave the house and go to the park . They ran around and I wanted to stop at the store to get paper for us to teach more English . The store was only 30 feet from the park . Riga is really safe but I was approached by a guy . He was talking to me and cornering me . He put his hand in his coat . Well I have no idea what he was about to do so I shoved him . Then told him No in Latvia and hurried away . I did get another learning English book that should really help . We have lots of good work books at home , but due to weight I did not bring that many . The one I got here has a video CD with it as well . We came home and our 4 year old just was breaking down . He would not stop screaming . We called our translator and learned the word screaming . It helped but not a lot . He is just a stubborn 4 year old that is not fully attached to us . Jeff and I tag in and out when needed to help each other . We had more tagging today then ever before . I am also sick so that doesNo = neh Car = Machine ( they use this for cars , truck , buses , trams ) I do not want = Nehge he ( we hear this over and over when we leave the park or have nap time or bed time ) Hot = Charss ( everything warm can be hot to them ) We recognize several others and that helps . Elliana in just the last day or two started to show us what everyone wants . That has been great . Hunter said " up " to me today when we wanted to be carried . Elliana said " hot " in the bath tub too ! I think that is pretty good for less then two weeks . We will keep up our English learning every day . Jeff stopped and got us Circus tickets for next week ! Tomorrow we have a puppet show we are going to . There are a lot of things to do in Riga . If you adopting from Latvia Facebook friend me and send me your email . I can email you a copy of the map I have that list all the things to do with kids . I even mark what level the place is at and some tram numbers . Posted by Well . . . Spencer packed this morning . We were wondering if he did it due to how many " Time In 's " we had yesterday . So we did lots of love and hugs today . Spencer is the one will take everything to heart . We are trying to be very careful on how we approach him on things . For example the Latvian night time story CD here was one where the people were having a argument and he got upset . He covered his face with his hands . Then went face first in the bed rocking back and forth until they stopped . Also the smallest of disappointments to him are a big deal for this little guy . For example we are trying to finish up the last of some juice and mine was different . Due to me being sick I don 't want them drinking or eating after me . He wanted my drink and when I said No he accepted it but acted like I completely rejected him . It is not the same as when I tell an average 5 year old no and they get upset . It is a difficult thing to explain . It will just take time for him to really trust again . We had our second social worker apartment visit today . The case worker was sick so she did not want tea or really to come into contact with the kids . I was thinking great , I bet I get what you have next . My body is not used to these germs over here . She asked what we were doing everyday . She asked about what they are eating . Have we taken them out to eat . She asked if we went to the aqua park which we are not going to go . None of us have swimsuits . I can 't find enough pants in Riga let alone 5 swimsuits that fit ! She asked us if we were going to continue with the adoption Jeff and I both said " Absolutely " . She gave us an overall great review . Our translator helped explain to the kids about our " Time In 's " . She also told them not to flick the light on and off or they will be in " Time In . " Also no touching the stove . We forgot to bring up screaming so that will want until next time . The kids have been very good about the stove and lights when she left just not the screaming part . Our translator also explained to Elliana that tomorrow she turns 7 and we will have a cake with candles , presents , and special plates to eat off of . Elliana did not understand . Our translator said she has not celebrated a birthday before so she don 't not know what I was talking about . It is hard to think that any 6 year old does not know what a cake or presents are on their birthday . She told us to maybe get a toy for the boys so they don 't feel second rated . So Jeff and I picked up two small toys today . This store also had the biggest selection of shoes I have found yet in Riga . The store was called Bembi . We got to measure Elliana foot and it was a 24 long . However we were up to size 28 / 30 to get the height of her foot in . By this point her toes were almost an inch from the front and I can 't afford to give her another reason to fall . So we tired on about 30 shoes and not a single one worked . I am starting to wonder what an X - Ray would look like of her foot . Not sure if I blogged before about Elliana self soothing processes . She has thiTomorrow will be great or tomorrow will be another cranky day . We will see . Either way it will be awesome to have her first birthday ! ! PS Jeff just came in the room after trying to get the boys to sleep . Elliana called him back with her arms open wanting him to give her a hug . Jeff is doing a silly dance now . It is so cute ! ! Just don 't tell him I got hugs and a few kisses from her before bed . Posted by Today our little one did not wake up on the right side of the bed . This was the first day we really struggled with communication . When a 4 year old is upset and saying the same thing over and over again you want to say yes or no . Well we have no idea what he wanted . Only the fact that he needed sleep . We went to the grocery store like we do every other day . I decided to see if the kids were Americans or not . I found a fish head in the store and picked it up . I acted like it was the greatest thing and asked if they wanted it for dinner . Elliana looked at me like I had three heads . Hunter stuck his tongue out . Daniels said NO ! NO ! NO ! I started to laugh . I guess we have three Americans ! Jeff just said Mommy is mean and shook his head . We also let them pick out their own pastry to have later , had to make up for the fish head . Size to them does not matter on sweets . We had them in the afternoon and they had no idea what was inside . I wonder what made them choose that one . Spencer did have the largest one so he shared with the other two . The way they take care of each other is very touching . They share their favorite foods with each other so they all can have a bit . They even share with Mommy and Daddy . I have a good feeling that is how they survived by taken care of each other . We took them all to the park again today . Elliana was tired and wanted to be carried at the park . Daddy said if she gives him a kiss on the check he will carry her . She did not want to , or did not understand at first so Mommy kissed Daddy 's check . Then she gave him his first kiss ! It was cute . Jeff was on cloud nine . She was just giggling because Daddy was being so silly about it . I think Daddy carried her for about 20 minuets this time . : ) The boys were getting kinda tired of the park so they ran around . I did not notice before but Spencer has to hold his pants up with one hand while he runs . Jeff and I are going shopping to get him new pants . We did find Hunter another pair of pants . Latvia has washing machines but no dryer . With the temperaWe have a routine of watching the videos we take here at night before story book time . We popped some popcorn that I brought with us . The kids thought it was so much fun hearing the popping noises . It was a hit . Only if we could get Hunter to stop eating all the dropped pieces . When we get home the dogs will beat him to that ! Tomorrow we have the Orphan Court check in appointment . Our translator will be here too . I am planning on taking Elliana to the cake shop to pick out her Birthday cake . This way the translator can explain what her Birthday is . We had our translator talk to her before about it but maybe with a cake in hand it will make more since . Two more days and she turns 7 and two more days til the end of February , time if flying by ! Breaking news ! ! Spencer did not pack this morning . He has been packing his bag as if ready to leave at any moment . He would pack his stuffed dinosaur , cars , and the photo book we mailed to them before we came . It made me feel like he is understanding more what is going on . We have been doing lots of bonding games . If you are adopting FB me and I can tell you what we tried and what worked for us . It may not work for everyone but it is working for us . As I have said before when you adopting you must be flexible . Well that was true today . We were to meet up with our translator a 11 : 30 we get a call at 10 to be ready in 20 minuets . Well when you have 3 kids 20 minuets is not a lot of time . So we rushed and ran out the door no melt downs kids were champs . We went to get our pictures taken for the US Embassy doctors first . When we got done our translator received a call that our orphan court lady was stuck in court session and is running late . So we had to kill some time . Our translator had another appointment so we ended up staying at a park . It had some kid stuff but for 3 and under . Our kids were bored rather quickly . Elliana and I went for a walk and found two cats . Stray cats in Latvia are always very friendly . People feed them . So Elliana and I got to pet the cats . Daddy had the two boy . Luckily they had park clean up day so there were large trucks in the park which made the boys happy . While we were at the park a " chain gang " showed up . These were completely different then what us Americans know as a " chain gang " . They were all kids ages around 2 - 3 years old . They are all tided together and wear yellow safety vest . I wish I had a camera on me just to show you . There was about 12 of them all lined up on a walk with a rope they all hung on to . If I catch one later I will email a picture . Our translator returned and let us know we missed our passport appointment . This was for the Latvian passport / ID 's as our kids currently do not have ID 's . I started to worry . She then told me we can go we just have to wait in a line . Well it was now 12 : 30 and the kids were hungry . So we went to a coffee shop to eat . This coffee shop reminded me of a Denny 's . I had our translator ask Spencer how he is feeling about this adoption . He said Mommy and Daddy are good and he feels he gets more hugs and warm touches . We were so happy to hear this ! We were eating and then received a call that we need to be at the passport place now . So we got out of there and drove over to the passport place . The kids did very well while we waited . I got to talk to their case worker some more too . I did find out that there is another American family adopting 6 kids ! ! Our agency has a family adopting 5 kids . Between our three families that is 14 orphans that now have a place to call home . When we got done we walked about 1 . 5 miles back to the apartment . Of course our favorite ( well the kids favorite ) park was on the way back so we stopped to rest there for about 20 minutes . It was about 4pm when we finally made it back to the apartment . We skipped nap time which lead to lots of " time in " time for our two boys . We made the mistake of having a nap time too late in the day and the two boys were up til 11 : 30 pm we 're not making that mistake again . We carried Elliana alot so it would not bother her legs . Our translator told me that she is shocked she is not in special shoes already . We will get her to our doctor in Columbus and see what he thinks would benefit Elliana the best . Posted by This morning the kids woke up and jumped in our bed . It was a great slow way to wake up . We just tickle them and they will play with our hands by clapping them together . The kid for the first time just played with each other and did not need us to entertain them . We just sat in the room with them drinking our tea . It was relaxing for about an hour . Jeff found a rock store that he wanted to check out . So it was our morning walk . That and we were running out of food . The rock store did not have what he wanted but told us to go to Old Riga . We are staying in Riga not Old Riga . If you are planning on coming to Latvia Riga is more where the common people go . So food and clothing is cheaper . Old Riga is very touristy and about 20 - 30 % more expensive . We came home and ate grilled cheese sandwiches . I was worried they would get tired of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches . They really liked the sandwiches . Just the two boys and me took a nap today while Jeff and Elliana worked on ABC 's and writing Elliana 's name . I woke up coughing and with a itchy throat this morning . Hunter has been coughing ever since we picked him up . I think I just got what he had . I have it worse then he does but that is most likely due to the fact it is a bug my body is not used to . We picked up some throat medication and so far it is working . In the afternoon we jumped on the train again , which the boys loved . We rode it the opposite direction of the zoo and went to Old Riga . We found three pictures that we will keep for the kids until they are old enough to have them . It is like a piece of something from where they came from . We wanted to get something of amber for them as well . We did not find anything but tourist traps . We did eat a Lulu 's a pizza place . Elliana said pizza before but I 'm not sure if they have ever had it . The pizza here is different then what us American 's eat . I will most likely not eat pizza here again if I had a choice . These kids would agree too as each only ate one piece and indicated they were done . We came home and played around the apartment . Hunter kept saying " Five minuet , time in " . Do you think that means he gets put into " time in " a lot ? I think they actually like the punishment for bad behavior . They have to sit in another room with Mommy or Daddy with a kitchen timer . They can 't have any toys just sit with us . It calms them down . They are slowly catching on and the amount of light flicking and turning on the gas to the stove and touching Daddy 's computer has diminished greatly . Spencer sometimes just smiles at me while we are in time in together . Today Spencer did not want to wake up again . Well neither did Daddy . So I put them in bed together . Hunter saw that and jumped in bed . Elliana with some encouragement joined in . It was so much fun . I will hold the memory of this morning with me . We all laughed and snuggled together . Or how we say it snoogled together . We all finally got out of bed and had our usual oatmeal with fruit breakfast . We headed off to the science place which was located on the 5th floor or a mall . That could mean only one thing . . . escalators ! ! Spencer has it all figured out . Hunter was trying to press the emergency stop button everytime . Elliana sometimes got it and other times she hit the end . Well we finally made it to the 5th floor and found that they did not open for another hour ! So how do you kill time in a mall with three kids . You guessed it escalators ! We also found a toy shop where Daddy had to get Elliana one more birthday present . She helped picked it out but left the store not realizing we got it for her . None of the kids asked for anything . They pointed to stuff that they though someone else would like not themselves . I held up a few Barbies and she picked one . She did not say anything when I put it back on the shelve . It made me sad . They all left the store and never gave it another thought . They are not used to having anything so the want is not there . . . yet We went to the science place which was really small . The kids had a blast . They had this one static electricity station where you cranked the wheel and cups flew off the top . The boys were all over it . We finally got Elliana to crank the wheel . She also thought it was fun . They had another station where you put ear phones on and put a stick to a spot on the world and you listened to their kind of music . That was Elliana favorite thing . She even liked the three dots in the US ! They had a room with bikes in it . They were three wheelers but they were bikes . Spencer figured it out pretty quickly . It took Hunter several crashes into the walls before he figured out how to steer . We put Elliana on it as well . She had trouble keeping her foot on the petal and doing the circles . We will have to work on it back in the states . We got some great videos of them all riding . The kids were tired and it was way past their nap time . They all went down without a single complaint . Hunter did not want to wake up at all . We had to wake him up and he just cried . We figured he was tired but after an hour or so he kept on crying . We finally called our translator to see what was wrong . Our translator said he wanted a brown book that we had in the apartment . We showed him every book we had . I believe he was missing his book and his foster place . It was all he knew . We walked over a mile just coming and going and then they ran around for hours at the science place . He is only 4 years old so he was just tired and missing the only place he knows . I keep forgetting he is only 4 years old . He dresses himself , showers himself , potty trained , eats with normal silverware and plates . He also figures things out beyond his age . We are doing something things for him that he can do on his own just to show him we are here and can take care of him . Today Spencer did not want to get out of bed at all . So we let him sleep in a bit . He was also acting a bit shy so we hugged him and let him watch what was going on from a distance . He warmed up when we decided to go outside . That is his favorite thing to do . We went for a walk in a different direction . The kids love to look around and see everything but today we could tell they were getting a bit bored with it . We tried to find Elliana some shoes and gloves , her mittens are a bit too big . We were not successful . The kids however got to ride their first escalator ! They wanted to go on it . Hunter stepped on and Daddy could not get him to not stand on the split between two steps . So he found out what happens when you do that really quick . None of them understood that you need to pick up your feet to get off . So they all were lifted up to get off . It is fun to see these kids experience all these new things . They were not successful on the second time either but maybe we will go back just to ride the escalator . We took the kids to the park in the afternoon . We were very proud of Elliana today . She normally will only go on the swing or the see saw . Well there were a lot of people at the park today and both were taken . So we picked her up to go on the slide . She kept pointing to the swings but we told her we will have to do something else . Well we kept picking her up and I was getting tired so Jeff took over . I watched the boys but since Elliana is not quite comfortable with Daddy , she tried some things new . Jeff called me over and with some encouragement from both of us we got her to cross the wooden bridge . This was huge . She does not like to walk on anything that is not solid . She did great . Then she walked on the criss - cross rope bridge . We gave her high fives and told her she did great ! She also was willing to climb up the cargo net rope ladder all by herself . She got big hugs and kisses for that . She was proud of herself too . We are going to go back to get videos of all of it . Jeff saw a doughnut shop on the way up and said the kids deserve a treat on the way back . I think Jeff just misses Dunkin ' Donuts . The kids loved it . We tried a local Latvian cafeteria style restaurant tonight called Lidos . This was the first day we have eaten out . Food here is not cheap . Even when you shop at the grocery store . The kids did really well at the restaurant . Jeff got some weird looks from people since our kids were speaking Latvian and Jeff and I were speaking English . Jeff told them our kids were adopted and we received some praise from them . They were from Finland . I tried some food I liked and some food I could do without . The kids were able to pick their own since it was cafeteria style . They pointed and we got it . I had this pumpkin with coconut milk soup . I really liked that . Jeff liked his chicken coated with scrambled eggs with tomato slices on top . Elliana picked out her own drink and choose tomato juice . . . . yea Jeff ended up trading his cherry juice with her after she realized her mistake . . . We woke up in the middle of the night to a screaming Spencer . Hunter moves a lot when he sleeps so Spencer is always smashed on one side or the other . Well last night he Spencer fell out of bed . He hit his eye on the corner of the nightstand . It is swollen and has a cut today . We are hoping he does not end up with a black eye . We did keep waking him up to put ice on him . When he was laying down his eyes were closed but when you sat him up they opened . Almost like the toy dolls . We kept sitting him up checking for a concussion . We called our lawyer as soon as we woke up to report the accident . She laughed at us pretty hard especially after Jeff told her " I 'm sure that will look really good for the social worker to see . " She said if there is any sign of it on our next case worker visit she will let them know we reported it . I told Jeff " we were worried about not surviving this adoption but now I am worried the kids will not survive . " We have had Elliana bad fall , Hunter locked in a bathroom ( twice with the lights off ) , and now Spencer swollen eye . We are only on day 5 . Yikes Well things did get a lot better as the day went on . We were trying to leave today and we had all the kids go to the bathroom . Well Spencer decided it was bath time . Jeff was helping Hunter and was about to put Spencer into the bathroom and turned to see him completely naked wanting a bath . Jeff said no so what is a boy to do . He decided to run around our apartment naked saying bath , bath , bath . Jeff and I could not stop laughing . Well we all went to the bathroom and finally got our clothes on . We got to ride the tram . The two boys really wanted to ride the " Machine " ( tram ) . When we called our lawyer this morning she told the kids what we were doing . They were really excited about the tram ride . We don 't think they knew what a zoo was . We get to the zoo and at first they would stand off a bit thinking the animals would come closer and get them . This thought did not last too long at all . After the third animal they were all climbing and getting right up to the glass . It was a hit ! There was one horse that you could reach and we let the kids touch him . The zoo even had a squirrel exhibit , which I found very funny . Not all the animals were out since it was very cold still . We almost left but the sun came out and the kids were still going right through nap time ( we found this to be a mistake later ) . The zoo was close to a lake and several people were out there ice fishing . Elliana made it most of the day walking but we carried her in the end . I was carrying her when were watching the seal and she gave me 3 kisses and a big hug . I just about melted . Jeff tried to get a kiss but she said " no daddy . " We got back around 3 : 30 and let the kids have a bath to warm up . They keep finding fun new things to do in a bathtub . This time they would try to talk underwater . They also put the bowls we gave them on their heads . Super cute . We did not give them naps which might have been a mistake . The boys were overly exhausted and running round . They were being goofy one moment and causing trouble the next moment . The kids really liked tonight dinner which was some kind of pork rolled in pasta . It was good . It reminded me of ravioli . Everyone ate their peas too ! We gave them chocolate milk . They have never had it before . Today was their 3rd time trying it . They get really excited and want to drink it with a spoon . It takes them 30 min to drink a glass with a spoon . They also want to share it with each other , even when they each have their own . It is cute . Sometimes they are willing to share with Jeff and I . Jeff and I think we are getting this parenting thing down . We 've implemented a schedule and it is still working . Except we did put them to bed tonight and forgot to have them use the bathroom and brush their teeth . They woke up and asked to use the bathroom , so at least they remembered . HA We did not remember about the teeth until after they went to bed for the second time . No one reminded us of that one . I have been wanting to braid Elliana 's hair . She always is braiding Barbie 's hair but never lets me do her hair . Today I tried and she went into tear saying " No Mommy no . " So we did not touch her hair . We wonder if someone may have been rough with her hair . Later in the day I let her play with my hair . She was very happy with doing that . We took the kids to the park again this morning . Elliana did not walk nearly as much as she did yesterday . We think she is not used to the amount of walking we are doing . So Mommy and Daddy are very sore tonight . We also tried several more clothing stores . I find this so odd but again the stores that sold kids clothes had one or none in her size . Out of 5 stores I only got 2 pants ! I did not care what they looked like only that they fit her and were not too long . She is ok if the waist is too big but not too long . It really bothers her about the length . I think it is because if you roll the pants it bunches in her knee high boots . We tried on as many smaller boots as we could find but honestly they were still too high , too small or too big . Her feet are also special so she needs almost a special type of shoe . We also had some good positives today with her . She shared a piece of cheese with Daddy , normally only me and her brothers . But she want out of the family room and into the kitchen to share with Daddy . Afterwards she came to me and said " Daddy said Thank you " , all in English . We were so proud of her . Her first full English sentence . Today we really tired hard on getting eye contact from the kids . Spencer will give you a split second and then cover his eyes with his hands . We also noticed that after we give him positive reinforcement he will go into doing something bad immediately following . We think he is trying to mentally process good attention . He may have only known bad behavior gets attention , so maybe that is why he thinks he needs to act out . We are doing time in not time out . That means Jeff or I sit in a chair with him . No toys just sitting and watching a clock . We want him to know we love him and we don 't want to send him away just because his behavior was bad . He is not bad just his action . He did cry today which he has not done before . However when I went to comfort him he pushed us away and went into the bedroom . He finally let me just rub his back and wipe his tears . He only gave me a split secHunter being the youngest tries to do everything Spencer is doing . However , being 4 years old , he is not as coordinated . He falls often . He will cry for a short bit and he will let me hold him . I am working with eye contact with him as well . He will just keep looking away . We think he is getting more comfortable with us . We are starting to see more of his personality . He does have the biggest smile that light up his whole face when he wants to share it . We do need to get him to a dentist . We were told that when he was taken into the orphanage he was only given a bottle and was 2 years old . His front 4 teeth are super small and dark gray . The foster Mom said the teeth point in his mouth . We will get him checked out when we get back to the states . Jeff and I have been having a hard time adjusting to the change in time . We keep waking up at night . Jeff got up at 3 : 30am and just stayed away . I was lucky enough to fall back asleep and watch up to three little kids trying to talk quietly . What a beautiful noise . We started off the day more structured then yesterday . It was great ! I decided to go through our clothes that we brought for them . Elliana is turning 7 years old in two weeks , she does not fit into any of her size 6 pants . Her shirts seem to fit , but almost too small . I tried to put them on her and she got really upset . So I pulled out the only dress I brought and put it on her . She actually hugged the dress when I pulled it out . It was cute . We had a red dress with a blue undershirt and purple leggings that she came home in . We are high in fashion here . Hunter is size 4 - 5 and Spencer is a solid 5 . We went for our morning walk and Elliana and I stopped into a second hand clothing store . I got her a pair of pants . They only had one in her size . I wish I could have found shoes . The only shoes we have for her are the typical Latvian knee high stiff boots . She has a foot issue and this causes her to have pain in this type of shoe . So I am going to try to find her a better pair of shoes . Jeff and I do carry her after a few blocks of walking . She never asks to be carried but we can see her rubbing her legs . We decided to take a nap . It was a short one because we had our case worker coming for their first visit . The nap was too short . The kids were all quiet when she arrived . She asked us a few questions and our translator translated the whole thing . She also had to interview each kid . Well the entire time Spencer would not come into the room with these ladies . He has not show us that he is shy at all . He talks to people on the walks , so we did not understand . They asked Elliana who she is bonding with , she said Mommy . We are trying to get her to go to Jeff more but she seems very hesitant . Hunter was also in the room and he right away said Daddy . Then after a moment said Mommy too . I went to get Spencer since they had to talk to him . He was just standing in the bathroom . He would not move so I picked him up . He started to grab at the molding to stay there . I let him calm down and brought him out . I set him down and he ran to our bedroom . He was sitting facing a corner and again grabbed at everything not to leave the room . We asked the translator to see if she can ask him what is wrong . He did not answer . So chocolate and toys were brought out . He at least was playing with something . They asked him who are you bonding with . He said no one . Our translator asked why and he said they do not love me . She asked why and he said no one has ever loved me . My heart just broke into a million pieces . Spencer give us time and we can show you love . We ate lunch and the kids were introduced to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches . They loved them ! They were scared at first but I put some peanut butter on their finger and that sealed the deal . We went to a park a few blocks away . They all loved it . We are going again . After dinner we had the door bell ring again . Jeff 's sister Sue had some balloons and chocolates delivered . The kids loved it ! ! When we called her to thank her every kid was able to say Thank you in English . I am sure we are going to play a lot with these balloons . . . until one of the boys breaks them . Posted by The kids slept all night . We started to hear them talking around 7am . Jeff and I really did not have a game plan for the day and that proved to not be a good idea . We are still learning this parenting thing . Well our trouble maker realized it right away . He also happens to be very smart too . Not the greatest of combinations to have . Before breakfast was on the table he figured out how to open both front doors of our apartment . I caught up to him as he was about to run out . That was actually impressive if you saw how they lock the outside door . I have never seen anything like it before . We played with the kids all morning and Jeff and I decided to take them on a walk and come up with a game plan . We come back and sang two lines of " Head Shoulders Knees and Toes " . We did not know more then that but the kids took it really well . Jeff continued to play with the kids and I started lunch . I was cooking when Elliana comes up to me and is talking very fast . The only word I pick up was Daniels . I thought Oh No what is he up to . I round the corner and heard Hunter crying . Daniels has been playing with the locks and locked the bathroom door from the inside and Hunter went to the bathroom and was locked in ! Daniels then turned off the light so Hunter was locked in and in the dark . That is scary for any 4 year old . So Jeff and I did what any new parent would do , we panic ! We are trying to tell Hunter how to turn the knob so it will open . That was useless since he does not speak English . I took Elliana over to another door and try to explain to her what she needs to tell her brother . She looked at me like I was crazy . Jeff grab his shoes and start to take off to the front desk . I was signing " Jesus loves me " to try to calm him down . I also start shaking the handle hoping he will start to shake it back . He did and it came unlocked ! I open the door and pick him up . He stopped crying almost right away . Daniel then had a " time in " with me . Jeff and I became structured after that . We took a 2 hour nap . All of them calmed down after the nap . I wondered if they were just overly tired with everything going on . We played Candy Land . Elliana and Spencer ( Daniels ) picked it up right away . We played with the beach ball and the small soccer ball too . I believe both boys will want to be in soccer . The boys are very active and love to do anything physical . Tomorrow we are getting a game plan together of activities . Elliana wants to watch first and then she will join in . Jeff had her dancing with him and she had the biggest smile on her face . It was priceless . We were told that the kids have had a bath before but it seemed pretty new to them . The boys went first and they played for over an hour together . Jeff was just as soaked as they were . They were laughing so hard . When we took them out of the bathtub . They ran around the apartment naked . Elliana just kept shaking her head at them . Jeff and I could not stop laughing . These kids were in foster care but only on the weekends . They all went to boarding school . They also have been in a orphanage for a few years before going into foster care . We will have some things that need to be worked through . One thing we think is that the kids have not really been held much . When you pick them up they are limp or don 't know how to hold on to you . They don 't understand what is going on . Hunter is starting to catch on . He will now put his arms around your neck . But they have their legs hang . We know over time that will change . Thank you again for all the comments we 've received . We love the support . Posted by Today finally arrived . I am a proud mother of three adorable kids ! Elliana Estere ( sounds like Esta ) 6yrs , Spencer Daniels 5yrs , and Hunter Tailers ( sounds like Tyler ) 4yrs . This morning started of with a bang or should I say bells . We woke up to our alarm which we thought was 6 : 45am . We woke up checked our emails . We are sad to say Jeff 's Aunt Elaine passed away . Our thought and prayers are with his family . Jeff was sending out emails and I jumped in the shower . All of a sudden this apartment was ringing . I believe every room has some bell system . Jeff went to the door and the taxi guy was there to get our rental car . Jeff 's phone was one hour behind , it updated when we landed for our layover in Germany but never updated when we arrived in Latvia . I have never seen a phone have this issue before . So Jeff changes ( 2 minutes ) and grabs our rental car . I get ready , and check over the kids stuff . We head out to pick up the kids in a 9 passenger van . Jeff had lots of fun driving in Latvia ( sarcastically speaking ) . Once we were outside the city limits there was not much around . It appears that people manly live in apartments . If you do own a free standing home they always have a fence of some kind . The houses are always square , no mater the size . We pull up to the place and open the door . I was in first and Hunter come running to me and gave me the biggest hug ! The other two kids were right behind him . The foster Mom did a good job preparing the kids for this adoption . The kids wanted to show us where they slept and their toys . We played with them for a bit and then had to have our meeting with the foster mom . She gave us some good information . No allergies but she notice that the kids from the orphanage , have an issue with white breads . So we just need to watch that part . The kids were so sweet and loving . They played in another room while all the adults talked . We found out that our Orphan Count was today . It was just a conference type table . They did not ask us to many questions . They wanted to know what we were going to do with the kids while we are in Latvia . They asked us how we felt . They had us wait outside until they made a decision . We passed , so that means the kids can live with us . We have our first social worker visit Thursday and another court hearing soon . So the backpacks were a hit , they did not want to take them off at all and it seems that the boys found the flashlights very close second favorite just being edged out by the match box cars . Elliana Ester loved her doll , we think she is going to go crazy when she sees the doll house in our basement . Posted by We made it ! Nothing major to report with the travel . If you ever decide to fly across the pond Luftansia was pretty cool , lots of room , decent food and large selection of movies to choose from . Jeff nor I got any sleep due to the turbulence . That just means we will fall asleep tonight right on our new Latvian schedule . We landed just a few hours before court . We went to our apartment to check in . I always forget how other countries drive compared to us . With the taxi driver I just kept in the crash position at all time , glad I was in the back too . That way I did not get to see all the cars we nearly missed only heard the tires screeching . Nothing like having a college student be your first driver in a strange city . We are on floor number 3 1 / 2 . Yes they do 1 1 / 2 , 2 , 2 1 / 2 and so on . Numbers do not have to be in order either . We are next to 10 , 11 , 3A , 3B , 12 , and 13 . We are number 13 . We took the elevator one time and decided the stairs were a lot safer way . We had enough time to shower and change and jump in our translator car . Court was not the court hearing I thought we were going to . This ended up being a full detail history on the three little ones . So what we knew before was still true but the kids life 's were actually not nearly as rosy as we thought . I was really trying hard to hold back my anger at the birth parents . In the middle of it all , I changed my focus to these kids . I had to try really hard not to cry then . We decided the kids past is their own . One day we will tell them most of what we heard . So we are off to finally get some sleep . Posted by Houston we don 't have lift off . Jeff and I went to the airports all signs said " On Time " . Well it came time to board and all of us were wondering " where is the plane " . Cleveland was hit very hard with snow . Our plane was redirected away from Cleveland . They were cancelling any flight that needed an inbound aircraft . We waited a few hour and ended up calling United customer services while we waited in the customer service line . Where there is a will their ways a way . We ended up getting bumped and entire day . Luckily Friday our court was moved back to 4 : 30 Monday . We will land with just enough time to get to court . We will change on the plane and run like crazy to get to court . Not ideal but it will work . We have not given up through this entire adoption process and we are not giving up now . These kids need us and we need them . There are a ton of songs that talk about the journey or the climb . They all say it was worth it . Jeff and I can 't wait to say that when we get the kids . We are just praying and hoping this is our last delay getting there . Not sure what happens if we miss court . Posted by get the kids around 10 : 30 on Tuesday ! ! She said to bring some toys and she is picking up a cake . We thought that was awesome . What kid does Jeff and I are just two people who are expanding our family by adopting 3 kids from Latvia . We are adopting a sibling set with one girl and two boys . Life is about to get really fun ! View my complete profile |
The Ishvalan War ended about four years ago , with most of the Ishvalans in hiding , and many alchemists losing quite a bit from not being as needed . Within the military there are plans to be set in motion that will turn the entire country upside down and inside out , making changes that could be potentially disastrous or extremely helpful . Most Ishvalans try to live as peacefully as possible , but the government is having trouble accepting that . Several of the higher - ups have taken it into their power to ensure that certain plans are going to be made in secret with no knowledge outside of their small groups . There is a feeling of peace among most of the citizens , but most of the State Alchemists and some other government members , even some of the Ishvalans and citizens are starting to notice changes and having feelings of danger . For the past four years , military officials and state alchemists have hunted down , captured , killed and relocated many Ishvalans that were seen as either threats or liabilities . Within these years of peace , many of the top branches of the military have become corrupt and care for only their desires , not wanting to fulfill their responsibilities . As most of the state alchemists realize , there is more to the military than what they know , or what they want to know . There are more and more riots and uprisings occurring , not just from Ishvalans that are tired of being oppressed , but also regular citizens . Most of the documents about the higher ups have been marked as classified or pulled from the records completely . With more and more mystery and suspicion rising in within the military itself , there are many more people who try to bring to light the secrets of the military . Though life appears peaceful for the citizens , it is quite the opposite , with riots and uprisings occurring more and more often , it is hard for anyone to feel at peace . There are a few who feel that it is still a peaceful place within the military 's control and live blissfully and ignorantly unaware of the arising threats within the state . Many of the citizens have begun to question whether the military is still capable of keeping peace or if they ever even kept peace to begin with . There are many rumors that have started , most of them appear to be true , about corrupt officials and politicians that try to fill their own desires . It gets more and more difficult to remain unaware of the problems rising withing the state and the military itself . Some citizens have taken it upon themselves to try and bring to light the truth of the many secrets that the military is hiding and try to prove the rumors true . For years , not just after the Ishvalan war , but during and before , the people of Ishval have been wrongly accused of various crimes and acts of violence . The Ishvalans have grown tired of the military controlling their lives and killing their loved ones , so they have started uprisings , riots , and actually committing the crimes and violent acts that they are accused of . But there are many Ishvalans that wish to just live in peace and forget about the troubles around them , try and go back to when they still had normal lives , living peacefully with their families . It gets harder to get by every single day , many of the Ishvalans are in hiding , trying to keep away from the dangers of the state , keeping to themselves quietly . It is becoming more and more frequent that the military finds small groups of Ishvalans that they label as terrorists , even children are taken away from their families and treated as criminals . With the recent rumors of secrets and corruption on the military , more and more people of Ishval believe that their time to join the rest of society as a people not seen to be devils and murderers , but normal people trying to live their lives . Many of the recent rumors about the military were either made up by the homunculi or put to rest by them . Most of the homunculi stay within the shadows , some have infiltrated the military , while others try to live normal lives . There has been a recent force driving the homunculi , a person of great power that wants there to be more bloodshed , trying to get the emotions of the people to flare up in anger and hatred . The main focus for most homunculi is to obey their leader 's orders , a person of great power , someone who hides in the shadows and keeps out of sight of everyone . No homunculi has actually seen their leader , but they still listen to the orders given or only get a feeling that someone i in charge of their lives without their knowing . Nathanial was shocked , looking out through the window of the train as it passes the country side . Viewing the trees which rush past amuse him to no end . Smiling uncontrollably , he giggles as he stands on the chair , leaning his hands against the glass looking back at farms which pass in an instent . " Hehe ! Wow , what a beautiful sight ! " His lysp would be that of Britanian , slightly slow and announcing every vowel with charm . " I 've never really seen a Ranch up close before . " He looked over twards his superviser , the soldier who was supposed to bring him to Central . Stairing at him with wide eyes of anticipasion , he begins to ask him questions of the Capital , never stopping for an hour or so entill the soldier became mad with rage and left the car to go to a different one . He waited in silence for a moment before standing to investigate the rest of the Rail Car . He looked up and down the hall of people sitting in their own small rooms . A conducter sees Nate but ignores him as the conducter makes his rounds . After seeing that no one is in the hallway , he begins to skip and hum an Ishvalan Lullaby . In the middle of the chorus , he runs into a man wearing a Central Military Uniform , Pocketwatch chain seen on his pocket and hangs over it . He looks up at this person , innocent blue eyes looking him dead in the eyes . ' Hopefuly he didn 't hear that tune I was humming . . . ' he would think to him self . Even though he was young , he knew of the war and what kind of effect it had on the toll for both countries . It wasn 't his fault that his mother , god rest her , sang him that lullaby when he was a wee - lad . He studdered at first , " M - m . . . My apologizes , Sir ! . . . I . . . didn 't mean to bump into you . . . " Typical evening , typical Laen giving the better cut of meat to his bear . The house Laen had was on the small side , but it was warm and conveniently located about a click away from Central Command . Which was the perfect distance for a mid - morning jog to work . Though he was a State Alchemist , he still had friends in Central who 's company he enjoyed . " Come on , Death ! No one likes a tardy bear ! " As if on cue , Death , the giant Russian Brown Bear , and Laen 's Comrade in Paws , padded his way into the room . He waddled his way to his dinner plate where a huge chunk of cow meat sat , waiting to be devoured . " I hope all this steak , doesn 't get you fat , Death . " Laen said with mock concern in his voice . Death simply glared at him , then began to eat . Laen smiled . " Good thing I know you have good , strong , MUSCLE under all that fur , no ? " At this , Death sighed happily , and continued on his meal . Laen prepared and ate his own chunk of meat as Death was finishing up . One thing he learned from living in the wilderness : How to Cook Your Own Damn Meals . The library at Central was almost always empty now , there was only four other people , two of them worked at the library . the other two were high ranking officials who had stopped in for a quiet place to talk . Mio soon grew bored with the books over the Ishvalan war , she knew that most of it was probably lies anyways , not to mention that the death toll was probably a lot higher than the records were showing . Since she was officially bored , she went to put up the books that she had taken out . As she put the books and records back on their shelves she thought about how nice it would be to get access to the classified documents in the back . The classified documents were meant only for those who were ranked lieutenant general and higher , though there weren 't many people with any of those ranks . Outside , it was bright and a little bit warm , so she decided to stop in with one of the Majors to see if there was anything that needed to be done . Mio enjoyed only answering to the majors , it made life a whole lot easier , not to mention that they didn 't mind if she missed a few things in some of her reports here and there . When she got to the office , she found that there was no one there , just an envelope with a letter addressed to her . It read : Go ahead and take a little vacation , but try not to get too relaxed , we need you to keep an eye on another state alchemist . Try to stay away from him , unless you feel the need to go ahead and make friends with him . He isn 't exactly a danger or anything , the higher ups just think he needs a strict babysitter . Mio opened the envelope to find papers on an alchemist who had a very odd title , " The Sapphire Demon Alchemist " , she already had an idea of what he could do , but no idea why they needed demon in there . After reading the papers , she put them back into the envelope and questioned why there was an adult that needed a babysitter , it was just weird . So she headed off to find this guy , judging by the paperwork , she guessed he was at one of the more popular clubs in central , so she tried the closest one , The Red Queen , stupid name for a club . When she arrived at the club , she stepped in to find it filled with smoke , making her want to gag . She looked around for the guy she was supposed to be watching , maybe he won 't be a total annoyance . Mio almost immediately noticed his white hair , and walked over to him , already angry . She glared at him , " I 'm supposed to watch you while Major Armstrong is out , so get up , we 're leaving . I have better things to do than sit in here all night with you . " From all the exsitement from all that was happening in a span of a few days , Nathanial completely forgot to act the way he was supposed to act , like Nathanial . While in the Millitary secsion of the train , with the Major he accidently bumped into next to him , Nathanial remained silent , as he usualy was . His hands were between his knees as he sloutched with a grimice look on his face of being punished . His head sunk into his shoulders as he awaited what was to come . Oh what could it be , a spanking , a Time Out ? ! ? ! He couldn 't help the fact that he was at the mercy of this person he bumped into and he felt sorry for it . Perhaps he should of been a little gentailmen and waited for him to pass , or even more likely , paid attension to where he was going so he could of seen the person blocking the path . Instead , he was held here , by a Major , and waited to see what he was going to do with him for behaving disrespectfuly . While moping , he never really noticed the door to the train 's corridor open and another soldier entered . The Major welcomed him wormly and invited him to sit down . Nathanial could hear that the new person was asking a question about him , he just lifted his legs up and put them infront of his head , hugging them to hid the rest of his body . He couldn 't hear what they were saying , mostly , but from what they were talking about was a new Alchemist in " their " numbers . That was when the Major took out a Pocket watch with a lion emblem on it from his pocket and held it in his hand . Nate couldn 't help but look up ant stair at it and say , " I have one of thoughs too . " Both men looked at him with at first amazement , then with condesension . The major leaned twards him and asked , his voice scruffy from his mustash above his lip . " And where did you get it from ? Only State Alchemist 's have these watches . " He cought a glimps of the name tag on his breast that all soldiers carry with them , but because of the masive size of this person , he couldn 't tell what it was . The only part viewable was , " - rmstrong . " He was a beast of " If you have one , then show me . " His face came very close to Nate 's , frightening him to no end . he scutted back to the corner of the bench and quivered at the sight of his sudden enclosure . While shacking , he reached into his small , blue suit jacket and pulled out a pocket watch the same size and design of the man next to him . holding it in his quivering hand , he held it up so they could view it and they both gasped to see that Nate was telling the truth . " Where did you get this from ? " The major asked and Nate replied , " F - f - from my father ! . . . Ha - h - he died in the Ishvalan War ! " The major could tell that he was too forward and had scared the poor young man . He patts him on the head and tells him , " My apologizes , young Lad . We 've had reports of people impersonating State Alchemists just to gain enterence to our Libarys around Central . " Having to take a train all the way to Central was easy , but extremely annoying . It was getting increasingly difficult to sit in the cargo car , just because he was a little late in getting a ticket . Wrath longed for the more spacious part of the train , though it would have been a bad idea anyways with all the military personnel on board today . Something gave him the strange suspicion that he wouldn 't be able to get any fresh air until they did get into Central . He had little problems when going to North or South , sometimes there were very few military headed to East , but Central was the worst . Recently , he had been given the mission to spy on the Central Library for anyone that may be useful or willing to aid their cause . He hated to scout out recruits , especially since about 80 % end up dead either way . There always has to be something that makes the job harder , he had to worry about being spotted , being recognized , and most of all , getting in trouble because of his anger . His anger is the reason why he will never get sent to the west military branch again . Several times he has had to hide in some of the cargo crates , because there have been a lot of checks to the car , far more than usual . Once the train arrived , he quickly slipped out of the car and headed off towards the Central Library . It was dark by the time he had gotten there , it made it a lot more difficult to move around when you aren 't supposed to be seen . Most people not only avoid alleyways , but never even consider to look down them . At the library , there were very few people there , extremely easy to sneak in that way . Wrath slipped past the guard at the front and entered through a window at the east side of the building . Once he was in , he decided that it would be better to hide in one of the sections that were restricted , so he slipped past the woman that was half asleep , then quietly opened the door to a restricted area and stepped in . He hid behind one of the bookshelves and decided to sit there to wait for someone to come along . Sleep was of no consequence to him , especially with how much he slept on the train ride here . Lust sat there , legs crossed , in her regular attire , kicking her foot , and containing a glass of red wine . She looked up , " Wrath - - you say ? " A man could be heard speaking , he was dark . All black , his appearance could not be seen , not even by Lust . " Yes . That is correct . " Lust chuckled . Her seductive chuckle lasting for only two seconds before putting the glass of wines to her lips and finishing it off . She pursed her lips before speaking again , " Is he bad ? " The man spoke once more , " That . I 'm not sure of . Though , I did see him entering the library area . Perhaps you should take a look . " She set the wine glass down , " That area is most likely closed , but I can make my way in . " Without bothering to change her attire , she simply walked out of the room full of crates , a single wooden table , with an over light that was dim . She reached the surface in no time , walking the streets with a cloak to cover up her appearance . She eventually reached Central Library . She put a sly smirk on her face as she hesitated . She went towards the side , eying the single guard that seemed to be half - asleep . She looked towards the open window . There . She climbed up to the window in no time , forming series of acrobats and entering the library . She pulled off her hood , her long , cyan hair still being tucked into her cloak . She peeked out of the room , looking towards the hall . There was nobody here . She was capable of sneaking to make the clinking noise of her heels very faint . She stopped for a moment in the hall , " Where could he be ? " She whispered to herself . She heard footsteps . She peaked around the corner - - a guard . Good thing he wasn 't headed in her direction . She quickly went to follow him , by the time she reached the corner , he was already at the other corner . She thought to herself , now if I were Wrath - - obviously I wouldn 't be in the hallways . She proceeded to the restricted room . Of course . This would be a perfect place to remain unseen . She walked in , closing the door behind her . The room was dark . She spoke out , " I know you 're here . " She , of course , didn 't know if he was here or not , she simply said it as if she did know . But it was worth a try to see if he was . She hesitated a moment for a response , if not , she would proceed to look throughout the room . If there were no signs of him , she would leave . The soldier who entered the room that the Major welcomed was infact the soldier who was Nate 's shaperone on his way to Central . So from seeing him once again , back at their bench seats back in coutch , Nate couldn 't help but continue to ask him questions about Central . This time , the soldier was more then welcome this time around to awenser them . In which the soldier replied , " Hmhm , yeah . You could say that . Because our country is in a state of peace for the time being , most of the soldiers are stasioned back at Central , so it 's been more packed lately then normal . " " Technacly , yes . But not all Soldiers of the Central Army aren 't just from the capital , they come from all around the area from the Civil Mine 's up at Briggs to the Mechanical Implant Engineres from the south . They all come to fight for the cause . " He couldn 't help but smile . Nate smiled at this , a local ! His eyes shot up greatly as he bounced on the chair , " Oh ! So this means you 're going home , right ? " " Yup , for the first time in 5 years . . . I 'm comming home . " He closed his eyes and lowered his head , his smile still across his face as he chuckles through his nose . Before the train made a full stop in the Central train stop , the locamotive moved slowly though the city , so Nate got a good glimps of what life was like around the city . He smiled and waved at young girls , the age of 5 and under who were running along side of the train on the walk path 5 meters away from it . He giggled to see them trip over them selves as the train came into stasion . As the train stopped , The Major stopped at their bench seat 's in coach and smiled twards Nate , in which he smiled back . He placed his large , bear paw of a hand , onto the soldier 's shoulder as he spoke to him with greath enthusiasm , " Now , you Don 't get this young lad lost , Private ! It 's his first time being here in Central and I doubt the Lawyer would take lateness kindly . " Both Nate and the private looked at the Major with a grimmice on their faces , they nodded in agreement . The reason why Nate had an apointment with a Lawyer was because of his parents . They were wealthy Alchemists who volentered to help the aid effort for the Ishvalan War , helping both sides recover wounded and desiced . His father was the one who tought him how to Transmute water . His father 's jod was to bring water buckets to the wounded to either clean their wounds , or just give them something to drink . The first thing he would do was draw a specific transmutasion circle at the bottom of a bucket , and place his hands on it 's sides . The center of the bucket would spark a few times then fill with condensasion . Soon , water would grow to the rim and the transmutasion circle disintagrated , disolved into the water . It was safe to drink and exstremely clean after that . His father was the reason why he wanted to be a State Alchemist . Hearing footsteps headed straight for the restricted room , Wrath pressed up against the wall , in a position that was easy to attack whoever was there if they were to find him or something . He had an angled view of the doorway , but he did notice that the person who stepped in was a woman . When she said that she knew he was there , he guessed that she probably didn 't , but he should at least try and see if she would be worth the trip all the way down here . It was hard to work for an Ishvalan rebel group that was completely pro - violence . She may not have seemed like the violent type , but at least he could say he tried when he went back . Wrath stepped out quietly and stood in front of her , still in the shadows , " I can honestly say that I could care less about what you know , but rather , what you want is what I 'm curious about . " It was a long - shot , but he was sure that she hadn 't come here to be recruited , it was a little obvious by how she carried herself . " If there 's anything you need done , I should tell you I have few specialties . " She seemed like she was on a mission , similar to him . There wasn 't much that he cared to wonder about , it was usually just his job to recruit and kill , nothing more , nothing less . Lust untied the the piece of fabric that held the cloak together . She let it to the floor , revealing her long cyan hair , her regular attire , her fine , pale skin , her rather large breasts , and her curvy body . She put her left hand on her hip , lifting her right hand in front of her , her hand facing down , closing her eyes . As something began to materialize , light began to lighten up around her , giving her view of the details of whomever was in the room . She held the lamp out , " Wrath - - correct ? " She opened her eyes , the lantern light reflecting in her deep blue eyes . Careful of waiting for a response , she would not reveal her true identity just yet . Although , he could already know who she is just by the way she formed the lantern . Although , he shouldn 't be too hasty with assumptions . For all he knew , it could have been alchemy . Though , alchemists generally need transmutation symbols , or the clap of their hands , not to mention the need of materials ; whereas she did not require any of those . Within thin air , if she had the capacity of energy to construct what she wished to construct , it would form at her will . Wrath glared at the woman , not only was she strange , but even more than that , she was either a really skilled alchemist or , like him , was a homunculus . He didn 't so much care what she was , but more about what she was doing here and how he knew his name . Letting out an agitated sigh , he spoke in a hard and angry tone , " I might be , but I would like to know who you are and what you want . " It was starting to make him mad that she had known he was at the Central Library . Most people who knew who he was tried to stay away from him , they never even spoke to him . It was difficult for him to be patient enough for an answer , but he really wanted to know what she wanted , though he doubted that he would like to hear anything she had to say . With the room being much lighter , he tried to lean up against the wall , trying his best to stay out of the light as much as possible . He still had a scowl on his face , even when he was trying to distract himself while waiting , Now , either she 's really stupid , doesn 't know what I do , or possibly that she knows exactly what I do and wants something from me . It was even more troublesome to try and figure out why she had located him in the first place . She put the lantern to her side , removing her hand from her hip . She lifted up the right part of her dress , revealing the homunculus insignia . " Lust . " With that , she would straighten out the dress and then raise the lantern again , " I was told that you were here . I only want to know why you have come to Central . What exactly do you seek ? " . She had an eery feeling about this question , as though he was all bad . In fact , he is Wrath ; therefore meaning he was wrathful . She knew it was a bad thing to note him of her existence . Yet this may be a good strategy of opening her real identity to Central . But it could lead to destruction , whatever the case , it was said and done now . Nevertheless , it was rather odd seeing another homunculus in Central . She didn 't want another raging war , nor did she want any more destruction to occur . It 's strange to see a homunculus think this way , but for Lust , she only seeks to protect one person . . . And that single person , drives her to better side of reality . It would seem that his father was truely a very wealthy man . Well respected through all ranks of the military and the public , he made a reputasion of him self of being the Water Birth Alchemist . Nate 's father was a very wealthy man . He left him a large sum of money in his will after deing in Ishval as well as the family estate . He was the only member of the family to accept this gift as well , all of the others were either out of the country , unobtainable , or dead . It didn 't really change his outlook of the city he was in now . With all the money he had under his finger , all he cared about was going through the streets , absorbing the feeling of Central personaly , he was truely being a child . He did do one smart thing , though . Before going site seeing , He bought the Private to be his personal Bodyguard / Baby sitter while here in Central . THe private smerked to the fact that we was being paid handsomly and just shrugged to the fact that he 's his tour guide . They walked the streets of Central , the Private stood straight and proud as Nate just skipped around , his hands folded behind his back as he smerked with glee . He hummed a tune , trying not to make it sound Ishvalan this time around as they reached a park , where children were at play . He smiled greatly and ran to join them . He immediatly joined in a game of tag and ran with the croud , laughing and having the time of his life . The private was standing outside of the park but kept his eye on him . He couldn 't help but smerk at this kid who acted like what he was , a child . He looked over his shoulder and saw Mao , the Blood Alchemist . He didn 't like the feeling he had when ever she was near . He felt death on her from a mile away . It would seem that she was walking into a local pub , the Red Queen . Atleast she can find time to relax aswell . . . he would think to him self . Laen decided that , as there was still sun shining through his window , that he had had his dinner a bit prematurely . . . oh well . So what to do with all his new found time ? Ah , yes ! He had heard of a " Major Armstrong " that was returning to Central . He had mostly heard that the man was BIG . Laen couldn 't let this possible acquaintance slip through his fingers ! " I will go see him at the station ! " he announced to no one in particular . As he jogged to the train station he noticed a woman walking into his favored bar : The Red Queen . She looked . . . well to be honest she looked really dainty to him . ' Hope she doesn 't hurt herself , ' he thought silently . He arrived at the station to see a large crowd of people bustling through and out of it . He was starting to lose hope that he would - Oh yes , there was the man . Of that there was no doubt . Laen simply stood there , prepared for what he knew would happen . The Major 's eyes met his and immediately was in front of him . They sized each other up , then they both removed their shirts and flexed everything they had for all the world to see . The tension was rising between them , and at this they both clasped each other 's hands firmly . Then the tension disappeared . " I must , and I will . But first I must report to Central . Got to tell them I arrived , don 't I ? " The Major said with a grin . It was relaxing , sitting at his usual spot in his favorite club , The Red Queen , the best place to sit and smoke , maybe have a drink or two . He had already had a couple drinks , though not enough to make him drunk enough to act stupid . It seemed a little more quiet than usual , so it felt a little weird to be in the club . When he went to take another drag from his cigarette , he noticed a girl with long black hair and cat ear and tail walk up to him . The girl looked like she was about to kill someone , which made it worse when she came over to him . Rendon was shocked that the girl had such an attitude towards him when he spoke , she sounded like she had been waiting for hours . " Now I 'm not sure who you are , but I don 't need a babysitter that 's younger than me , so just back off , " his tone was apathetic , he could have cared less why she would take orders from Armstrong . " Besides , " he grinned at her , " There 's no way I 'm going anywhere with you right now , I 'm relaxing . " Rendon was far too ready for her to stomp out and go get one of the other Majors to complain about him . It was a nice day , and Central was crowded , so he just wanted to go to a bar and have fun . It was hard to find a decent bar around Central , most of the places were clubs , which meant that they had a bunch a stupid brats in them . Greed barely knew his way around Central , so he decided to find somewhere to ask for directions . The closest place nearby was an auto - mail shop , Battle Metal , sounded like a decent place to get directions from . He went on in , and to his surprise , found an Ishvalan working at the register . Walking up to the counter , he placed his hands on the counter an smiled , " Excuse me , but where is the nearest bar around here ? " Greed looked around the shop , it seemed really nice for a small business run by an Ishvalan . The man himself looked to be fairly busy with repairing and making various types of auto - mail . It seemed rude to interrupt him , not that Greed actually cared , but he just got the feeling he should have waited for a bit . He was ready to find a bar and grab a drink and some women , but he thought about it and decided a club would be better to find women in . He changed his question before the Ishvalan answered , " Actually , where 's the best club in Central , or at least the one popular with the ladies ? " It was already bad enough to have to watch this guy , but now she finds that he has an attitude . Just perfect , I get stuck with an idiot that wants to treat me like a child , Mio had already had it with him , she grabbed him by the front of his shirt with her left arm , then picked him off the floor and threw him out through the door . She cut her right hand with one of nails , then formed the blood into a long whip . She went outside , close to where he had landed , " Now , either come with me quietly , or we can do this the hard way . " Mio stood about two feet from him as he started to get up a little wobbly . Mio noticed that there was a military man standing outside the park , she believed it was Private Petterson , which was when she noticed Nathanial . She didn 't really want to have to fight near a park full of children , but she was already set to fight him . As he got up , Mio wrapped the whip around his neck tightly and pulled him towards her , " So , what 'll it be , the easy way or the hard way ? " Wrath almost couldn 't believe it , another homunculus , it was kind of weird to be seeing another homunculus . He felt a strong need to ask her where she came from , but held the question back . Then , he felt his skin get hot with anger at the question she had asked , " First off , I don 't even want to be here , and as for why I 'm here , it 's ' cause I was told to wait for recruits for the rebel faction that I 'm in . " It really made no sense to him why he didn 't just kill her , or at least go back and kill the moron rebels that would probably die either way . " I would actually just like to kill them when I get back , but then I wouldn 't have anything to do with all my free time . " Wrath was about finished with all of this , if only there was something fun to do , something that would involve killing preferably . It got on his nerves that he didn 't have any other form of fun . Then it came to him , " I 'm sure that you 're working for someone , maybe a person that would be more willing to allow me freedom to do whatever I wished to , within reason of course . " Mikael was busy with making a new auto - mail arm for Mio , because she was due to get a new one in the next month or so . He didn 't hear the bell on the door ring when someone came in , he just kept working . It had been a rough few weeks , with so few customers coming in , though it did give him time to make some fun new designs . So far , he had come up with about twenty new styles of auto - mail with various types of weapons in them . When the person who came in asked him about the nearest bar , he had to think for a bit , there were so few bars in Central . It was hard to think of at least one bar , just a bunch of clubs came to mind . When he changed the question to be about a club in Central popular with the ladies , the only one that came to mind was The Red Queen . " There is one club , and it 's about two blocks east of my shop , it 's called The Red Queen . " With that , Mikael gave the man a warm smile as he walked out of the store saying his thanks . Abram was in the sewers where he spent a lot of time when he wanted to relax without worrying about anyone finding him . He use to hate the sewers but now that he was no longer human or at least not normal being part wolf and all he found that the sewers was a good place to hide . however the smell was so nasty that it would make him sick if he was down there to long . To a normal person the smell would not be so bad but because of his keen wolf senses he had to learn to cope with it . For the past four hours he had been down in the sewers and so he decided that he would go to the park for a few hours and get some fresh air . He figured that no one would pay him any attention while he was in the park just as long as he acted normal . So just as soon as he got there he sensed trouble in the air . He thought about just paying no attention to it but then again he felt that if someone got hurt and he could have done something to stop it but did not , he would regret it . So as quietly as he could he ran to see what was going on . Von was at the State Alchemist headquartes waiting to be given some orders . He was bored and wanted something to do . He felt that if he was not given anything to do soon he would go out of his mind . So he decided that if he was not given any orders soon he would just head out and find something . Or maybe yes that 's it . He could go and ask Raine out on a date . But then again she might just turn him down , why would she even go out with him when there was so many other guys to choose from . Then again he was not even sure if Raine was even at headquarters at the moment . So he then went back to thinking about other things like what he would do the next day , when he would get a day off . What he would eat for dinner . Wondered who he might fight next . And again when he would be given his next orders . Johny contiued to watch the kids , keeping his eye on Nathanial as was his job . All while he did this , he couldn 't help but think of what Major Armstrong told him , " Don 't get this young lad lost . " like he would . Johnathan noticed Nate look up and twards him , looking past him twards the club . He turned his head to see the man fall to his side through the door as Moa held the door open and passed through , her whip readied to attack . He frowns at this situasion and unholsters his gun , from what he was seeing , Mio was just performing a public act of assult on an indavidual . He ran up to her , . 45 drawn and aimed it at her , yelling at her , " Allright , that 's enough Mio ! You can 't just use you 're Alchemy whenever you wish , it frightens the civilians . " as well as him self . He didn 't like the fact that people could use Alchamy , he feared it more or less . The construcsion , deconstrucsion , and reconstrucsion could lead you to do anything you wanted , even creat a human life which he feared the most . He was about to say something else entill he saw a white flash whiz past his right eye and strike Mio . It bersts into a million peaces and dreanched her in water , causing her whipe to disinagrate . He turned back twards the park , where the white ball came from and saw Nathanial , his hand exstended as if he threw somehting , and his palm dreanched with a fadded Transmutasion circle on it . He had a smerk on his face and yelled out , " Heads up ! " and ran off . He was too busy playing tag with the kids to bare in mind that something was happening in the clud just down the block . He could hear something happening inside the bar , the breacking of glass , the tossle between two people , then the yell of someone being tossed into the door , being thrown out to the cirb . He looked up only to see a strange person laying on the road with a stranger person walking out of the doors , it would appear that the person walking out was a female , her left arm shining as she entered the suny outside . He frowned to see what was comming out of her right hand , a red whip like weapon . he saw Johnathan run up to her and aimed his gun at her , this made him frown even more . What was happening ? Was she a bad guy he had read in novels depicting bandits ? He had to think fast because from looking at her whip , she knew how to use it . He reached into his jacket and pulled out a pen , drawing on the palm of his right hand , then the pointer and middle finger of his left hand apon his wrist . A miniature Cyclone formed on his palm as it drew moisture from above his fingertips into a small orb of snow . The ball of snow would grow in size very rapidly and when it got to a surtin size , to his liking , he threw it twards the person with the whip . It hurdled past Johny 's head and strock her in the face , causing disorder to come to her as the whip turned into a liquid and fell to the road . She was drenched and would of looked twards where the snow ball had came from , seeing Nathanial with the dreanched hand on a worm summer 's day . He had a childish smerk on his face as he said , " Head 's up ! " And ran away from the two , around the park and disapeared into Central . Rendon groaned as he got up , he never expected a girl would throw him out of a club , not literally at least . He started to choke when she wrapped the whip around his neck , then he noticed a guy holding a gun to her , then he thought about what the guy called her , Mio . This was really bad , he knew that Mio was not only a loyal dog to the military , but also one that would be willing to kill someone in public just for looking at her weird . When Mio got hit with the snowball and was soaked , her whip turned back into a liquid , which he noticed was blood . He had gotten some on him , which was really creepy and disgusting , " This is why little girls shouldn 't play with alchemy , " he started to turn and walk off , then remembered he left his coat in the club . Rendon went back in and grabbed his coat , then left without looking back at Mio or the guy who had the gun . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . 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Kelly is stranded in Iceland in a female body suit while Jamie , now James , is off shooting a film . Her friendship with Siggy develops , but is she hiding a secret ? Why does Siggy have such a problem with Kelly drinking , and if she keeps getting sick every morning should Kelly listen to her ? " Seven ? Let me sleep . " I was up at 7am or earlier most working days . It 's amazing how quickly you can get used to late mornings . Reluctantly I got dressed . I pulled my hair back into a high ponytail and checked myself out in the mirror . I could see the nanos working , recreating a makeup job on my face . It was strange to think of them moving under my skin , or ' false ' skin . I went to put on a pair of jeans but they all looked too tight for a long car journey . Reluctantly , I chose a black pinafore dress Jamie had bought back at Uni ( which now fit me and had , by virtue of time , come back into style ! ) and Jamie 's warm Icelandic wool sweater . It was too big for me making me wonder how small I was getting . It looked baggy , but it 'd keep me warm and remind me of her . I thought about that for a second and realised I was behaving like a stereotypical ' girlfriend ' or ' wife ' . I put a pair of woolen tights under the dress , and pulled on thick socks and Dr Marten boots . We started off in a little cafe around the corner from Siggy and Egon 's place . Given the way most people dressed , we could have been in Berlin , East London or Brooklyn . We sat at the window watching the world pass by , me constantly pushing the fringe of my hair out of my eyes , Siggy chatting about the possible places we could visit . It was odd to see Reykjavik in the morning . It was a real city , full of people with jobs and kids who needed to get to school . " Hihi Kirtsjan ! Dagur ! " Siggy exclaimed , " When did you get back ? " They all started talking excitedly in their own language . I caught , ' Copenhagen , ' ' Berlin ' and ' London . ' I guessed that Kristjan and Dagur had been in Copenhagen and Berlin , since I knew that Siggy had been in London , where I met her . " Hey , " I extended my hand to both the men who took and shook it in turn . My hand looked small in theirs . I could feel their extra strength as they squeezed . " What are you up to ? " Kirtsjan was the taller , and seemed to be the more forward of the two . All three of them looked at me . I shrugged . I didn 't recognise the places they had mentioned . Still , I was up for an adventure . I couldn 't spend my whole life moping around waiting for Jamie , and who knew , it could give me inspiration . " Sure , " I mumbled . I tried to pronounce the names and eventually gave up and said , " those sound great . " " Impressive . " It was , until I realised that he was trying to impress me - or the girl in front of him . Who was me or wasn 't . I wasn 't sure . He looked out the window , apparently satisfied I 'd acknowledged his achievement . For the next hour or so , I mostly kept quiet listening to the others . They were all school friends and had left , like many young Icelanders , after the crash in 2007 / 8 . The conversation would switch between Icelandic and then , once they remembered I was there , English . Honestly , I didn 't care . I was busy watching the scenery and thinking about everything . Every so often , my stomach would do a little flip . I chalked it up to a hangover and the long bumpy car ride . I thought back to the suburbs of Reykjavik with the new looking houses and expensive German cars . I wondered how many of their owners were now working someplace else to be able just to keep them here . It reminded me of the Irish who , after the crash , went to London or the United States to work and left empty McMansions behind . Around lunchtime , we stopped at a little petrol station near the sea . We ate the obligatory Icelandic hot dogs and drank Coke . My stomach calmed down a little . Maybe I was just hungry . " They are OK I suppose . I would kill for a Cumberland . " I 'd have gone for anything that didn 't make me worry I was eating toenails . Back in the car , I let Siggy , Kristjan and Dagur talk . I felt bad the three of them having to talk in English so , instead of imposing myself on the conversation , I kept to myself , not that I was bored . Iceland had plenty of scenery to keep me interested . I 'd been reading about the history of the country . How a group of male Vikings had left Norway looking for a land of their own . How they had kidnapped women from what is now Britain and Ireland on their way , and in raiding parties later . I found myself imagining being dragged away from everything I 'd known , having to make a new life for myself in the harsh new environment . I stopped when I realised I was imagining myself in the female role . I might never have been the marauding barbarian , if I was being honest with myself , but I certainly wasn 't ready to be the damsel in distress . " Huh ? " I turned when it dawned on me they were talking to me again . Realising I needed to say something more , I added , " What 's a Jokulsarlon ? " Jokulsarlon was my first glacial lake . Despite it being spring / Summer there was still ice floating in the water . In place , the water had turned a bright blue . a product of the melting ice . " Every year the ice melts more . " I turned to look at Dagur . He looked very Icelandic with the wind whipping his beard and blond hair . His eyes were the color of the water . I was concerned that I realised that . " That 's what the Library of Water is all about . An English artist , Roni Horn , started it by collecting water samples from melting glaciers . " " No , " he shook his head . " His film is about the first settlers to reach the island . Imagining what it 'd be like to go somewhere humans hadn 't yet touched . Iceland was covered in trees back then . " I nodded , again I imagined myself brought to this place , forced to make a new life here . I didn 't have to imagine very hard and I pulled my sweater tightly around myself . Iceland was different up here , more wild . Reykjavik may feel like a last outpost of human habitation , but it is still under human control . Up here it felt like we were in nature 's territory . We stayed for an hour or more . Walking around in the strange landscape , I was glad of my tough Dr Martens and my extra thick wool socks and tights . For some reason , I felt the cold more in the bodysuit . I had thought the extra layer would be warm , possibly too warm . Perhaps it was the body weight I 'd lost , or maybe the nanos were just too good at passing on experience . The other three mainly talked in Icelandic laughing and enjoying each other 's company . I assumed they were going over old stories from school . I was happy to stay quiet . It was with reluctance that we returned to the car . Many of the roads in Snaefellsnes were little more than dirt tracks . Even with three locals , we nearly got lost several times . I wasn 't worried . It fascinated me , the strangeness like another planet . By the time we reached the outskirts of Stykkisholmur , it was late afternoon . We stopped at a little petrol station for supplies . Dagur disappeared to the loos , and Siggy and Kirtsjan went into the little shop to pay . I joined them , more to stretch my legs than anything . I wandered around the shop , not really paying attention to what they had . It was a pretty limited offering , about what you 'd expect in a small rural shop / petrol station . I kept half an eye on my two friends as they paid for our petrol . Back at the car we explained to Dagur what was happening . He disappeared to call his friend and we sat around waiting . In silence , Siggy passed around a large bag of crisps . Wherever we were going , I hoped it had real food . Dagur 's artist friend wasn 't going to be able to make it thanks to the road closures . Dagur made plans to meet him in a few days in Reykjavik , so clearly this journey hadn 't been all that essential . By this point , we were all feeling tired and hungry so we decided to head to the hostel . It looked pretty much how hostels do . clean but nothing fancy . I was a little surprised to hear we 'd be sharing two bunk beds in the same room . That said , I didn 't know who I 'd be the least comfortable sharing with . Technically , it should have been Siggy , but , as she seemed to see me as another girl , I didn 't see it as a problem , at least for now . I hoped Jamie would see it the same way . After unloading our stuff , in my case not much - I 'd only planned on a day trip , we decided to explore the little town . From what we had been told , there were two options for eating and entertainment . One was a restaurant down by the docks . This didn 't look very inviting and the place smelled too much of fish , which inexplicably turned my stomach . I had to find the loo and throw up . The second place was a combination of main store ( possibly the only store ) , bar and garage . The rest didn 't bother me but the bar seemed friendly enough from the outside . When he smiled , the skin wrinkled around his eyes . His skin was that mixture of tough and glowing that the Icelanders get from exposure from the elements . I realised that , without knowing he went to school with Siggy , I wouldn 't have been able to place his age . He could have been anywhere between his late twenties and early forties . " Don 't be stupid , you 're tiny . " Siggy informed me with characteristic Icelandic bluntness . " Besides , you need to eat something . " After she said that , she look away . She had a habit of fiddling with the cuffs of her shirt when she was nervous . And she was right . I was . If anything , I 'd lost weight , and maybe even a little height since putting on the suit . I had some idea of how it converted body mass into energy , but I wasn 't sure how it would convert it back . I didn 't want to end up as a pint sized version of myself . Siggy surprised me , " Perhaps you shouldn 't . We can 't drink as much as the boys , " she said , with a serious look . " You 've had a lot lately . " Again , she looked like she said something she shouldn 't , but then I decided that I was just tired . I 'd never heard an Icelandic woman admit to not being able to do anything as well as ' the boys , ' let alone drinking , which was pretty much like breathing to them . I used to think we drank a lot , and we do . I 'd say the French drink because they like the taste of wine . The English drink because we like the feeling of being drunk . The Icelanders , and other Nordic peoples , drink to erase time and space . " Bollocks to that . I 'll drink anyone under the table . " I said , in what I hoped was a lighthearted way . " I 'll give you a hand . " Eventually I spotted it . In one corner were five men of differing ages . Three had acoustic guitars , one some sort of percussion instrument and the final one a violin . They started to play . I didn 't recognise the song but was immediately taken in by their voices . Again , I thought what it must have been like to have been spirited away here , only this time I didn 't think it 'd be so bad . Dagur handed me a pint and we stood watching them play . After a second song , they started playing something akin to a jig . Dagur put his pint down and offered me his hand . Something , maybe the tiredness combined with the drink , maybe my annoyance with Siggy ' policing ' me , made me take it . His hands held me by my narrow waist as we swayed gently . It felt awkward but also freeing . I pulled away , not wanting him to get the wrong idea . He took my hand . " You know swing ? " he asked , with a smile . I was surprised but went along . Jamie had dragged me along to swing dance classes for nearly a year . While I was never really any good , Dagur was . He kept in time while moving me expertly . For my part , I was enjoying how much easier the woman 's part was than the man 's . You just had to follow . At the end of the song , he further took me by surprise . I went for a twirl and he caught me as I 'd hoped , but then he tipped me . I had to cling on to his neck to avoid landing on my bum . There was a spattering of applause and few laughs , probably directed at the confused look on my face . As we picked up the drinks I noticed the concerned look on Siggy 's face . This time I felt bad . She probably thought I was leading on a good friend of hers , not to mention messing around behind Jamie 's back . As I sat back down , I smoothed my skirt underneath me placing my hands in my lap . I had meant just Siggy and me , but didn 't know how to turn them down without being rude . Siggy looked worried . I resolved to reassure her nothing was going on between me and Dagur as soon as I got a chance . We ended up walking a little way out of town to a small stream . I wanted to stop by a large pile of stones and rest on them . The rest of the ground was covered in wet moss and grass , but the Icelanders demurred . I picked up Kristjan muttering something about ' Huldufólk ' , which I knew to mean elves . The Icelanders hated to admit it but they were a superstitious lot . In the end , we stopped about halfway before the mountain . The two boys took off their boots and bathed their feet in the clear water . I imagine it was freezing cold coming from the glacier held back by the mountains . The mountains themselves were carved out by the ice moving across the landscape long ago . Watching them relaxing , I wanted to join them , but that 'd mean taking off my tights . It was too cold for that . I also didn 't like the way Dagur 's eyes lingered on my legs . I had no intention of giving him a show . She sighed , and for a moment I thought she was going to let me have it . " I don 't think that . " Her smile was full of warmth , " I 'm just worried . . All the drinking . . . It might have an effect on . . . , " she looked away , " you , because of the suit . " She sighed and gave up trying to explain herself . She put a hand on my shoulder , " It 's not the nano suit . You are smaller now , less body weight . Alcohol will have more effect . I wasn 't joking before , " she looked over at the two boys who were paying us no attention , " Kristjan , Dagur , James even . They are good guys but some men will want to take advantage . " " Egon yes , he 's been brilliant . But not James , please don 't tell him , or anyone else . " I was surprised that she had never told Jamie , and how she thought of her as " James " and " him . " I was more surprised that she confided in me , that she saw me as another woman . She wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her coat . We caught each other 's eyes and , in spite of ourselves , we laughed . I hugged her closer noticing how she was slightly taller than me now . " We should go see them soon , " she said . " Yes , " I replied emphatically , trying to lighten the mood and make her feel better . " We 'll do a road trip at the weekend . " It was only then I realised how much I missed Jamie . I knew I wouldn 't tell her about Siggy 's secret , not unless Siggy said it was OK , but somehow I knew being near Jamie would make me feel all the better . That night we stayed up late playing cards . I 've never been much of a poker player . I always forget the rules . The boys passed around Kristjan 's vodka bottle , but both Siggy and I stuck to tea . We slept on the same bed that night , Siggy and I . Fully clothed of course . " Hey , can 't we try having sex the normal way ? " I pouted at Jamie and then hated myself for it . We , Siggy and me , drove up north , taking the road that goes around the whole country . With the filming schedule being so packed , this was the only way we would get to see them . Our conjugal visit , Siggy jokingly called it . " We do have sex the normal way , " sighed Jamie . I detected a note of annoyance in her voice . She sat on the edge of the bed . " OK then , " she agreed , begrudgingly . " First , we do it this way . " This is what relationships are about folks , compromise . That and I was horny and needed the release . The sex was , to say the least , strange . While Jamie was pumping away , my mind kept drifting . I kept wondering why she was so adamantly opposed to having it the way we used to . I wondered what , or who , she had been doing on set while I was in Reykjavik . When she finally came , we freed our genitals . The second time , the sex was just weird and desultory . It was strange to be the girl , looking down at a man , yet having sex the old way . I would call it the ' normal ' way , but it wasn 't . I had no upper body strength and it was much harder for me to hold myself up . That , and given the difference in height , I was staring at Jamie 's sternum , not her face . Jamie looked like she couldn 't wait for it to be over . As a result of all of the awkwardness , it took me forever to come . It must have been early when Jamie got up . It was still dark outside . I watched the grey outline of her male body as she got dressed . I felt a woozy sense of contentment coming from the long love making session , I doubt we had slept more than two hours . I felt sorry for her having a long day of filming ahead of her . But I had the physical exhaustion from the long hours of driving to deal with . It helped to know that I would be able to go back asleep once she had left . When I woke again , the clock said 10 : 32 . Shit , I had missed breakfast . I hoped Siggy hadn 't headed out without me ? We were meant to be out exploring while they filmed . I got up realising I was completely naked apart from the body suit . Almost all of my body suit , I had to find my fake pussy . I pulled it back on , not wanting to risk exposure , then sat there sighing as the soothing gel spread out relieving my crushed genitals . After a few minutes , I got up and started looking for my case . It wasn 't near the chair where I had left it . I went to the wardrobe , thinking Jamie may have hung my clothes up . She was always on at me to take better care of them , especially as I was now the one in the dresses and skirts . But no , it wasn 't there . I checked under the bed and in every corner of the room , not that there were many places to hide something so big . Finally , in desperation , I checked the bathroom . There were no clothes but there was a note taped to the mirror . I ripped it off and read it : " Hey sexy , I didn 't want to wake you . I do want to spend the day thinking about you waiting naked for me in our bed . See you in a few hours , enjoy room service xxxx " God damn her kinky side . I didn 't have long to think about it as there was a knocking at the door . I ran back into the bedroom . I pulled a sheet off the bed and wrapped it around me from my armpits down . Composing myself , I opened the door . It was at that moment that I felt my stomach lurching . Without any notice , I started retching . I had one , maybe two minutes to get to safety . Without another word , I turned and ran to the bathroom , flinging my arms around the toilet basin just in time . As I started hurling , I felt Siggy 's hands pulling back my hair and stroking my back . With a jolt , I realised the sheet had fallen off me as I ran . There was no time to worry about it as I knelt there emptying my stomach 's contents . I sat there , slumped on the floor , for ten , maybe twenty minutes before I was sure it was safe enough for me to lean back . Siggy went and got a damp cloth from the shower and placed it on my forehead . I thought about the two - thirds empty vodka bottle on the bedside table . Jamie had insisted . " Drinking on an empty stomach , " I said , my voice hoarse and my mouth tasting like bile . Siggy looked upset . " James needs to stop these games . He can 't keep you up all night like this , " Siggy muttered , as much to herself as me . I didn 't appreciate being treated like a fragile child , but I couldn 't really disagree given the circumstances . I shook my head . " No , " I said . " It 's not the first time I 've done this . I just need some rest . Go have fun . Say hi to Eggy for me . I 'll sleep it off and be good as new . " " OK , " she said warily . " Promise me you won 't do this again . You can 't drink like this anymore , " she said . I didn 't know what to say . I was about to say , " Thanks , mum , " but the look of pure concern on her face made me hold back . Instead , I smiled and said , " I think I 've learned my lesson . " When she returned , I thanked her , " You didn 't have to , " I said . She just smiled and kissed me on the forehead again . It was thoughtful of her . I was glad I wouldn 't have to face a mess in a few hours . " No really , I am OK , " and I really was , the nausea having already passed . " I guess I just needed to get it out of my system . I just need to rest . " After she left , I looked for my laptop and realised that Jamie had hidden it along with my clothes . I assumed that she had just put it somewhere safe , and so I turned on the TV . Thankfully , Icelandic TV shows lots of British shows , just with subtitles . It 's one of the reasons they speak such good English . Still , it felt odd to be watching Silent Witness and Inspector Morse inside the Arctic Circle . It was past 7pm before I finally heard Jamie 's electronic key in the door . I sat up in bed pulling my legs , and the sheets to my chest . I was not best pleased . It had been a long , boring day watching endless TV . At least I was feeling better . I hadn 't eaten . " You look adorable , " Jamie chuckled as she came through the door . Not the right thing to say . I crossed my arms in a huff . I noticed she was pulling my wheelie suitcase behind her . " Sorry hun , " she tried to console me . " I just couldn 't resist . " She sat on the other side of the bed to me . She put her arm around me and I moved away abruptly . " Do you know how many episodes of Inspector Morse I 've watched ? I actually got through two episodes of The Killing in its original Danish I was so bored , " I was in no mood to just forgive her . " Did you learn any useful words ? " She used her calm voice , the one she used when she knew I was angry with her . " It was a stupid prank , " she conceded , " But I did think a day 's rest would do you good . You looked a little under the weather . " Her voice indicated a note of concern , she reached out and stroked my foot . I didn 't pull away . I didn 't want to ruin the weekend . I shrugged , " I am feeling much better now . And you still shouldn 't have done it . You could have left me something to wear . It 's cold here , you know . " " Look , I got you a present , " she indicated a large smooth rock she puts on the bed , " It 's from a volcano , I got it for you . And Angela and Karen are taking us out . If you feel up to it that is ? " " I am not sure . " I knew what I had promised Siggy and knew that I would be better off if I kept the promise , but I felt better and had a severe case of cabin fever . " Fine , " I sighed . " We can go , but I need to take it easy tonight , OK ? " There was only one bar in town and , unsurprisingly it was crowded . It took us an age to get to the bar as cast and crew from the film kept stopping ' James ' to say hi . It was clear that she / he was popular . It felt good to bask in a little of ' his ' reflective popularity . ' James ' introduced everyone to me , far too many names for me to remember . Everyone greeted me with hugs and kisses , but I don 't think a single one of them asked me much beyond my name , and how long James and I had been together . She led me to a cubicle at the back where Angela and Karen were holding court . Sitting opposite them were Siggy and Egon . I budged in next to Siggy and Jamie offered to go to the bar for the table . She was right but I never liked being called out in front of everyone . " One beer , Siggy . I 'll be fine . " Siggy looked at me and then Jamie , as if she expected her to say something . She started to say something and then said , with a smile , " I 'm not cleaning up again . " It was fun to have the gang back together again . Angela kept talking about how well the filming was going and how great James was . I doubt she would have said anything if it wasn 't , but her sheer levels of enthusiasm persuaded me it was at least partly true . Egon had many stories to tell of the trouble of filming out in the cold , getting equipment out to remote locations and moaning actors . " Not you , of course , " he reassured Jamie . I could see Siggy holding on to his arm and I remembered the fertility book I found in their house . Jamie and I had been trying for a long time before we got the bad news that it would be unlikely we would conceive , what with my low sperm count and her ' hostile ' womb . It pained me when I thought about it ; I knew Jamie hated it too , although she refused to talk about it . I hopped Siggy and Egon would be spared the same pain . I nursed my beer for a while . When Siggy went away , I got up and got another one . I drank it quickly to avoid her criticizing me and felt it go to my head . Out of the corner of my eye , I saw a concerned look flit across Jamie 's face , which made me even angrier . ' How dare she ? ' I thought . ' After how she left me . ' Then I thought better . I didn 't want to waste this rare weekend together on a stupid argument . Still , why was she pouting over two beers ? There came a moment when we were left on our own . " What are you doing , why are you drinking so much ? " Her voice was low but angry . " Who do you think you are ? " I said , not keeping my voice down . " First , you leave me naked all day without my laptop . And I 've had , what , two to your six , seven ? Why are you being such an arse ? " I felt chastened . Siggy was there for me this morning . She was there for me with Kristjan and Dagur and she was just concerned . My ego wouldn 't let me admit that though , so I just stared at them . Thankfully , Egon came back from the toilet and halted further escalation . It didn 't matter , our weekend was ruined . We stayed longer than most , leaving only when the staff started putting chairs on tables and mopping . We left the bar , and I walked away from Jamie . Behind me , I could hear Egon and Siggy arguing in German , and I assumed it was about us . Jamie caught up to me and tried to take my arm . I knew she 'd try and explain herself and that , if she did , I 'd forgive her like I always did . Like any good actress ( or , I guessed , now actor ) , she knew how to manipulate her audience and I wasn 't interested in that , not now at least . I stormed off , leaving the other three in my wake . I felt bad that Egon and Siggy were in the middle of this , but it was too late for that . Jamie looked like she was about to die . Even under the nano skin I could recognise her expression . She was about to tell me something terrible . Fuck , I thought , this is it . She 's been cheating on me , or she has cancer . She just stood there , not able to speak . I didn 't know whether to be mad or understanding . In the end , Siggy broke first . I wanted to laugh , " Are you crazy ? " I look her in face expecting to see that impish grin of hers appear , " Look , I know these suits are convincing but come on . I am still a man underneath all this . " Then , in the back of mind , it dawned on me . Telling me to rest , trying to stop the drinking , it all made sense . I didn 't want it to , but it did . Jamie still said nothing and stood there , alternating looks of shame and impassivity . Siggy glared at her and then continued . " She was desperate . When she bought the suits , she thought that it would be like a surrogate . That she would be able to have a baby . You know how much she wants a baby . She was supposed to wear the suit . It was supposed to be a surprise , " she said , tailing off . I couldn 't respond . Jamie stood there ashamed . The only sound was Siggy and Egon arguing in German . It was obvious that he and I were just hearing about this now . I guess that I was , for now , one of the ' guys ' again . To say that the argument went on for a while , would be an understatement . " How long did you two plan to keep this a secret ? " I screamed at Jamie and Siggy . Jamie alternated apologising and defending herself . " You . You . You . It 's all about you . What about me ? It was supposed to me , " and she started to tear up . If we had been us , I would 've caved then . Jamie knew that tears would always get to me . However , seeing ' James ' cry disgusted me . ' Be a man , ' I thought . ' One of us should be . ' " Are you serious ? " I screamed . " Look at me . " She looked at the ground . " LOOK AT ME ! " I screamed . She looked at me and then looked at Siggy and Egon . Siggy look mortified . Egon looked disgusted . Siggy looked like she wanted to say something , but Egon glared at her and put his hand on her arm . She said something in German and then they started arguing . This continued from the street to the car to the house . Finally , at five AM , the fight went out of me . My head was weary with talking . I knew why she had done it , I even sympathised on some level . Had I realised how desperate she was ? Probably not , not before then . Perhaps the fault was partly mine for not realising . All I knew then was that I couldn 't be around her , not now . I was about to say , " yes , " but somewhere deep in that male face was the face of the woman I loved . I looked into her eyes and saw Jamie . Instead , I said , " I don 't know . I need time . " I stood outside Egon and Siggy 's room . It was silent and I assumed that they had fallen asleep . I was going to let them sleep but I needed to get away now and couldn 't call an Uber . I knocked and Egon opened the door . He had clearly been asleep but he didn 't look surprised to see me . " Come in , " he said . " Of course , I can see if any of the crew are driving back . " He said . He didn 't ask me any questions and I loved him for it . Siggy 's voice went quiet . " Just after you arrived , " she said , shaking her head . " I 'm sorry . I should have told you . " She looked at Egon , " Eggy made me see that . " I didn 't want to be around any of them . Egon gave me a look of understanding but said , " she 's your best bet for getting out now , otherwise you might have to wait till Monday . " I suspected he wanted Siggy to take me so we would get the chance to make up . In the end , I didn 't really care . I just wanted to get out . It was nearly 7am by the time we were ready to leave . Without asking , Egon went to my room and got my clothes . I could hear him and Jamie talking , his voice low and angry . I wondered if he regretted hiring Jamie . Part of me hoped so . I showered in their room and changed into a sweater and jeans that Siggy had laid out . I was grateful that she hadn 't left a dress or skirt . I couldn 't deal with that . We went out to the car and I saw Egon load another suitcase into the boot . I wondered if Siggy was leaving too . When we got in , I said , " I appreciate the ride but I may not , probably won 't talk , understand that . " I half slept and half stared out of the window most of the way . There 's a lot of country to see in Iceland and very little human activity . We drove for nearly two hours without seeing any evidence of other humans aside the odd car . I was slipping in and out of sleep . Around lunch time , we came to a little town , the name of which I don 't remember . It was little more than a line of houses along the road . There was a church at one end and a large building with a petrol station at the other . We filled up at the petrol station and bought hotdogs from inside the building . I was sick of hot dogs . They reminded me of everything . Wanting to stretch our legs , we went on a little walk to the church . Mountains loomed behind the church , making it look even smaller than it was - and it was pretty small . It was a beautiful vista but I couldn 't see it , not then . Now , everything just reminded me of everything that had happened , of Jamie . Looking inside I couldn 't believe it could fit everyone in , not even from this small town . I should have said what I felt . That I didn 't expect anything from her . That she wasn 't our friend , that she was Jamie 's friend . For some reason , I let her off the hook . " It 's OK . I know Jamie put you on the spot . " I thought for a second about the bars and was going to thank her for trying to stop my drinking , but decided I wasn 't interested in giving her any credit . We didn 't say anything for a while . I spent the time looking at the painting of Jesus on the wall . It was a strange Jesus , kind of like a Viking Jesus . Viking Jesus would definitely be able to take the normal Hippy Jesus we were used to in England in a fight . I didn 't know . I was pro - choice , of course . It was only then that I started to see the gravity of that choice . Anyone who thinks it 's an easy decision needs to get stuck in one of these surrogate suits . On one hand , if you had said to me just twenty - four hours before that Jamie and I could have a kid I would have bitten your arm off , no matter what I would have to do . On the other , I now didn 't know if I could trust Jamie , and if I really knew her at all . There was a child inside me . Was it fair to blame it for what Jamie did , the mistakes made by the company ? I couldn 't put what I was feeling in words . I sat on a bench for a long while . Siggy kept looking at me , like she wanted to say something but wouldn 't . I don 't know how long I was sitting there when it came to me . Jamie had impregnated me against my will , albeit by accident . I felt violated . I probably would never be able to tell anyone that . If I went to the police and told them my wife impregnated me against my will , they would laugh in my face . I don 't know exactly when I began crying , just that Siggy was holding me as I shook . They play music loud in Reykjavik . My vision was already going foggy when I spotted him . He was tall and Germanic looking . From the look he gave me , I could tell he was interested . Siggy was talking to her friends and had momentarily forgotten to spy on me . I think she 'd almost lost her voice begging me not to drink , begging me to not punish the baby . I returned the Germanic man 's look for a second before turning back to my beer . I had seen girls do it thousands of times . I knew the trick was to not look back until he came over . We talked for a while . He was a Danish photographer who split his time between London and New York . He was in Iceland taking photos for a fashion magazine in Japan , of which I 'd never heard . " No , " he said , " I really mean it . Don 't take this the wrong way but I don 't want models . I want real women who are beautiful . " " Felix wants me to be in his photo shoot , " I grinned at Siggy . I was thinking about how this would get back to Jamie . I enjoyed knowing the pain that it would cause her . I would have preferred to be the ' man ' in this situation , and Felix a hot girl , but still , it would be a win for me to make her jealous . " Kelly , " she said , putting her hands on my shoulders . " I know you 're cross , you should be . " I was having trouble focusing on her . I hadn 't had a lot to drink , only three beers but I was tired , mentally and physically . " But you need to be careful , " she said . " For you . And the baby . " Once I started speaking to her , she seemed unnecessarily focused on the baby . " Thanks for the advice , " I grunted . I didn 't feel like being careful . There didn 't seem to be anything for me about which I needed to be careful . I had no girlfriend , no permanent place to live and no job , at least for the next three months . " You 're right , " I sneered . " I could wake up pregnant . " The alcohol had given me confidence . Beer muscles , an American friend called it . " Please , " she said , tears in her eyes . " Remember … . " And her voice trailed off , which sobered me up quite a bit . " I know it seems bleak , " she said quietly , her voice cracking . " Think of yourself and , " then she put her hand on my belly , " the baby . " With that , I collapsed in tears into her arms . My mind was racing . Did I want this baby , Jamie ? It was all too much . After I don 't know how long , I stopped crying and Siggy said that she was going to take me home . I asked her to take me to a hotel . I looked at the bar and my stomach flipped . The alcohol had worn off and I was nauseous . While Siggy went for our coats , I stared at the ground . I was lost in thought when I felt something slip into the pocket of my t - shirt . I felt a shiver of pleasure as his hand brushed lightly against the breast of my bodysuit . I looked up and Felix stood over me , smiling . " Whoever he is , he 's not worth it . " Somewhere in the back of my mind , the stupid part , I felt like I should defend Jamie , but thought better of it . " I 'm serious though , " he said . " If you want out of Reyjavik and want to earn some money , call me . " I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked more closely at him . He had a handsome , chiseled face . His pale skin was covered in freckles around her cheeks and nose . " Huh ? " " The modeling , " he said , flexing his arms . They were well built and covered in tiny blond hairs . His shoulders were broad and stretched the fabric of his black t - shirt . He smiled and then left . " Just saying goodbye , " I shrugged . I turned my back to Siggy taking Felix 's card out of my breast pocket and slipping it into the back pocket of my jeans . I 'm not sure why I was so secretive . Just the thought of having something of my own to hide made me feel a little better . A little more in control . Siggy had to half carry me home through the lightly falling snow . It looked magical watching the snowflakes fall in front of the street lighting . I suspect I enjoyed it far more than Siggy did . She kept looking like she wanted to say something , but wouldn 't . I was so curious that I almost asked her what she was thinking , but then realised I might not want the answer . I wasn 't ready for a defense of Jamie or a lecture , so I said nothing . I just thought about the baby inside me . I still didn 't understand how this happened , how it could happen . We stopped at the hotdog stand near the sea front , the one Bill Clinton was supposed to have eaten at during his visit . Siggy said she wanted to get some food inside me . I wanted anything but hot dogs , but that was our only option . I choked one down and stared at the water . It was dark and foreboding . I watched the snow falling on the surface of the waves . Each snowflake quickly melted into the icy water , disappearing into the black depths . I thought of the fish underneath the water and how little I knew of them and how little they knew of me . For some reason , this thought was comforting to me . - - - The new day brought with it one hell of a hangover . I stood in front of the little mirror staring at the bags under my eyes . It seemed strange to see how my fake face had been affected by the real damage I 'd done to my body . I felt the skin , the soft lips , it all seemed so real . Eventually I pulled up my t - shirt and rubbed my belly . It was still flat as a pancake . I knew it wouldn 't be long before that changed . After sticking my head under the tap and gulping down cold water , I made my way to the kitchen . It took me an age to get the coffee machine going . At first I forgot to put the water in . I knew it was worth it when I lifted the mug to my mouth , sipping the strong brew . Finally , I resolved to return to the bedroom and google abortions for body suits . I felt guilty doing it but , for my own sanity , I needed to keep my options open . I padded slowly back to the room . SIggy 's room was silent which was good . I finally had a chance to get my head straight without any distractions . I opened up my laptop and opened Google , but I couldn 't do it . Not yet , not with a hangover . Whatever happened , this was a serious decision and needed a clear head , so I decided to distract myself by reading e - mails . I hadn 't checked it since we toured the island with Dagur and Kristjan , which felt like a lifetime ago . Most were e - mails from former work colleagues , which only made me feel more alone . It took me nearly five minutes before I spotted it . " From Rich Dale , re your submission . " At first I was confused , as I hadn 't submitted anything in ages . A few years before , I had sent my ' great ' novel to a few publishers and agents . I 've always wanted to be a writer , ever since I was a kid writing fan fiction and crazy sci - fi stories . I had recently found some of the stories and cringed , thinking ' well , it 's good that I found something else to do . ' After about a year of getting turned down , I 'd given up . Most of the rejection emails were depressingly similar , clearly standard replies . I had continued to write , but only for my own pleasure . Sipping the coffee , I opened the email . " Dear Ms . Kelly Rogerson , " This confused me , Rogerson was Jamie 's maiden name . " Thank you for submitting your manuscript to us , " it said . Had I sent another one out and then forgotten about it ? I thought , ignoring the name on the e - mail to me . " We would be pleased to discuss the possibility of representing you and your novel at the earliest convenience . " I read through it several times , looking to see whether there was an e - mail attached from ' me , ' but there wasn 't . I checked my sent folder to see if there was any correspondence with this Rich Dale and found none . Then I searched for the name of the literary agency ' Dale & Associates ' and found two e - mails , the first dated two months ago , right around when I lost my job . I opened it and saw the manuscript for a silly story , " Danelaw , " I 'd written for fun earlier that year . I 'd never sent it off anywhere . It was just some dumb Scandi - crime - style nonsense , set in the North of England . I 'd written it to amuse myself . The second email was a reply , probably from Rich 's secretary or an intern acknowledging the receipt of the first . It must have been Jamie who sent it . There was no one else with access to my e - mail . I sat there silently looking at the screen reading and re - reading the email . I gathered my thoughts and started on a reply , which I found impossible . It was ironic , given my job and why I was responding . My first response was a rambling mess . It tried to explain that I was a man , writing under a woman 's name and explaining why I would appear to be a woman . On second read , I realised that I sounded like a lunatic and that this guaranteed that they would reject it . Instead , I sent the following e - mail ; it was short and to the point : Thank you so much for reading my manuscript . I would be glad to meet with you to discuss representation . I am currently away visiting friends in Iceland but I will be back in London from the end of the week . Is there a good time for us to meet next week ? After rereading it a couple of times to make doubly sure I was doing the right thing I hit send . I couldn 't decide how I felt . On the one hand , I was grateful that Jamie had submitted it , since I had long since given up hope . On the other hand , she went into my e - mail without asking me , without telling me . That and I couldn 't figure out why she had made me female , had given me her maiden name . I finished my coffee and got into the shower . I felt the water hit my body , this body . It felt good and I stopped thinking about it , until I saw my reflection in the mirror . Then I decided that I was going to go back to London . I had time to decide about Jamie and the baby . I needed to meet with this agent . " Fine , " I said . I started to say something about the agent but decided not to . I knew she meant well but I didn 't trust her not to say something to Jamie , sorry to James . And I didn 't want him to know . She sat on the bed . " I know you are upset with James but … , " she said . I held up my hand . " Siggy , no . Not today . I know you 're concerned but I don 't , I can 't , I won 't . " I smiled . " I promise no drinking but I don 't want to hear his name today , OK ? " She looked at me gravely and said , " This is not about him . I am very upset with him too . I just want you to think about your baby . " I debated what to say next , not trusting her . I decided to test her , figuring what I said next would get back to Jamie . " I don 't know what I am doing about this baby , " putting the emphasis on ' this . ' I remembered the books on her shelves and felt awful . Whatever she knew , I assumed that she and Egon were in the same place we were . I started to tear up . " I 'm sorry , Siggy , " I said , putting my arm around her . " I don 't know what I am going to do , but I will be careful , I promise , " and I meant it . " I don 't know , " I lied . I hated lying to her , she had tried to help and protect me , but she was Jamie 's friend , her spy . " I just know I don 't want to be here . Not now . " I reached over to hug her . " I 'll make my way to the airport . Thank you for taking me here . " I packed up my bag and took it to her car . We didn 't talk on the short ride . I had a lot that I wanted to say but couldn 't say any of it and Siggy looked like she felt the same way . We got to the airport and I went to take my bag out of the boot . Siggy came out and took her bag out . She looked sad , " These are some clothes for you . Some of them will fit you now . The rest will fit you if you decide … " and her voice cracked . " At least for the next couple of months . " I looked into her eyes and saw pain . I realised what the books were . I went to say something and she put her fingers to my lips . " No , Kelly . Don 't . Just please call me , text me when you get to where you 're going . You don 't have to tell me where , I know you won 't , just please let me know you 're safe . And please stay safe . Again , I am sorry . " I hugged her . It was strange , her being taller than me . My voice cracked as I said , " I will . Sorry you had to be in the middle . " And I was . She didn 't put herself there , Jamie did . If you liked this post , you can leave a comment and / or a kudos ! Click the Thumbs Up ! button below to leave the author a kudos : up108 users have voted . And please , remember to comment , too ! Thanks . This story is 10759 words long . Printer - friendly versionLog in or register to post comments beautiful but confusing . Don 't get me wrong , it is easily understood , just confusing in what his wife / girlfriend / whatever she is and will be from now on , did and why . It seems she deliberately ordered the suits for them wrong , since she had referred to him , as a female when writing to the agency on his behalf about his silly story . If the male suit came in a size fitted to her and the female suit in a size fitted to him , even being ultimately flexible , that seems further evidence of her duplicity . It SEEMS to me , and I stress the word SEEMS deliberately , like that is the only logical answer . I have always envied women the ability to have children and nurse them . The connection Mother 's have with their babies , that we fathers will never know . Yet the thought of actually being female , and giving birth after a long pregnancy , absolutely terrifies me . Like all men , I am less strong and less courageous than the women in my life . Bravo on a brilliant story . This is a very interesting story . It makes me wonder what I 'd do in the same situation - - if it was possible , of course . I like to imagine that it would eventually be possible . I thought it was very wrong for Siggy and James not to tell Kelly but it happened . Now what will Kelly do ? I 'll keep reading to find out . I 'm really enjoying this . The angst , the bitter feelings . . . . beautifully conveyed . The pregnancy and the suit will be pouring female hormones into her body . It will be fascinating to see how she becomes a female as the months go by I can 't speak for Liz , but I don 't know how Kelly 's going to react and what will happen . I start with one idea and usually end up somewhere else completely . Let 's see and I hope you all stick with us . As Jess says I think this story is developing in a very natural way . Working with Jess is great as she has a real talent for pulling apart characters and understanding their motivations . Not sure where it will end but I 'm excited to find out . |
Kelly is stranded in Iceland in a female body suit while Jamie , now James , is off shooting a film . Her friendship with Siggy develops , but is she hiding a secret ? Why does Siggy have such a problem with Kelly drinking , and if she keeps getting sick every morning should Kelly listen to her ? " Seven ? Let me sleep . " I was up at 7am or earlier most working days . It 's amazing how quickly you can get used to late mornings . Reluctantly I got dressed . I pulled my hair back into a high ponytail and checked myself out in the mirror . I could see the nanos working , recreating a makeup job on my face . It was strange to think of them moving under my skin , or ' false ' skin . I went to put on a pair of jeans but they all looked too tight for a long car journey . Reluctantly , I chose a black pinafore dress Jamie had bought back at Uni ( which now fit me and had , by virtue of time , come back into style ! ) and Jamie 's warm Icelandic wool sweater . It was too big for me making me wonder how small I was getting . It looked baggy , but it 'd keep me warm and remind me of her . I thought about that for a second and realised I was behaving like a stereotypical ' girlfriend ' or ' wife ' . I put a pair of woolen tights under the dress , and pulled on thick socks and Dr Marten boots . We started off in a little cafe around the corner from Siggy and Egon 's place . Given the way most people dressed , we could have been in Berlin , East London or Brooklyn . We sat at the window watching the world pass by , me constantly pushing the fringe of my hair out of my eyes , Siggy chatting about the possible places we could visit . It was odd to see Reykjavik in the morning . It was a real city , full of people with jobs and kids who needed to get to school . " Hihi Kirtsjan ! Dagur ! " Siggy exclaimed , " When did you get back ? " They all started talking excitedly in their own language . I caught , ' Copenhagen , ' ' Berlin ' and ' London . ' I guessed that Kristjan and Dagur had been in Copenhagen and Berlin , since I knew that Siggy had been in London , where I met her . " Hey , " I extended my hand to both the men who took and shook it in turn . My hand looked small in theirs . I could feel their extra strength as they squeezed . " What are you up to ? " Kirtsjan was the taller , and seemed to be the more forward of the two . All three of them looked at me . I shrugged . I didn 't recognise the places they had mentioned . Still , I was up for an adventure . I couldn 't spend my whole life moping around waiting for Jamie , and who knew , it could give me inspiration . " Sure , " I mumbled . I tried to pronounce the names and eventually gave up and said , " those sound great . " " Impressive . " It was , until I realised that he was trying to impress me - or the girl in front of him . Who was me or wasn 't . I wasn 't sure . He looked out the window , apparently satisfied I 'd acknowledged his achievement . For the next hour or so , I mostly kept quiet listening to the others . They were all school friends and had left , like many young Icelanders , after the crash in 2007 / 8 . The conversation would switch between Icelandic and then , once they remembered I was there , English . Honestly , I didn 't care . I was busy watching the scenery and thinking about everything . Every so often , my stomach would do a little flip . I chalked it up to a hangover and the long bumpy car ride . I thought back to the suburbs of Reykjavik with the new looking houses and expensive German cars . I wondered how many of their owners were now working someplace else to be able just to keep them here . It reminded me of the Irish who , after the crash , went to London or the United States to work and left empty McMansions behind . Around lunchtime , we stopped at a little petrol station near the sea . We ate the obligatory Icelandic hot dogs and drank Coke . My stomach calmed down a little . Maybe I was just hungry . " They are OK I suppose . I would kill for a Cumberland . " I 'd have gone for anything that didn 't make me worry I was eating toenails . Back in the car , I let Siggy , Kristjan and Dagur talk . I felt bad the three of them having to talk in English so , instead of imposing myself on the conversation , I kept to myself , not that I was bored . Iceland had plenty of scenery to keep me interested . I 'd been reading about the history of the country . How a group of male Vikings had left Norway looking for a land of their own . How they had kidnapped women from what is now Britain and Ireland on their way , and in raiding parties later . I found myself imagining being dragged away from everything I 'd known , having to make a new life for myself in the harsh new environment . I stopped when I realised I was imagining myself in the female role . I might never have been the marauding barbarian , if I was being honest with myself , but I certainly wasn 't ready to be the damsel in distress . " Huh ? " I turned when it dawned on me they were talking to me again . Realising I needed to say something more , I added , " What 's a Jokulsarlon ? " Jokulsarlon was my first glacial lake . Despite it being spring / Summer there was still ice floating in the water . In place , the water had turned a bright blue . a product of the melting ice . " Every year the ice melts more . " I turned to look at Dagur . He looked very Icelandic with the wind whipping his beard and blond hair . His eyes were the color of the water . I was concerned that I realised that . " That 's what the Library of Water is all about . An English artist , Roni Horn , started it by collecting water samples from melting glaciers . " " No , " he shook his head . " His film is about the first settlers to reach the island . Imagining what it 'd be like to go somewhere humans hadn 't yet touched . Iceland was covered in trees back then . " I nodded , again I imagined myself brought to this place , forced to make a new life here . I didn 't have to imagine very hard and I pulled my sweater tightly around myself . Iceland was different up here , more wild . Reykjavik may feel like a last outpost of human habitation , but it is still under human control . Up here it felt like we were in nature 's territory . We stayed for an hour or more . Walking around in the strange landscape , I was glad of my tough Dr Martens and my extra thick wool socks and tights . For some reason , I felt the cold more in the bodysuit . I had thought the extra layer would be warm , possibly too warm . Perhaps it was the body weight I 'd lost , or maybe the nanos were just too good at passing on experience . The other three mainly talked in Icelandic laughing and enjoying each other 's company . I assumed they were going over old stories from school . I was happy to stay quiet . It was with reluctance that we returned to the car . Many of the roads in Snaefellsnes were little more than dirt tracks . Even with three locals , we nearly got lost several times . I wasn 't worried . It fascinated me , the strangeness like another planet . By the time we reached the outskirts of Stykkisholmur , it was late afternoon . We stopped at a little petrol station for supplies . Dagur disappeared to the loos , and Siggy and Kirtsjan went into the little shop to pay . I joined them , more to stretch my legs than anything . I wandered around the shop , not really paying attention to what they had . It was a pretty limited offering , about what you 'd expect in a small rural shop / petrol station . I kept half an eye on my two friends as they paid for our petrol . Back at the car we explained to Dagur what was happening . He disappeared to call his friend and we sat around waiting . In silence , Siggy passed around a large bag of crisps . Wherever we were going , I hoped it had real food . Dagur 's artist friend wasn 't going to be able to make it thanks to the road closures . Dagur made plans to meet him in a few days in Reykjavik , so clearly this journey hadn 't been all that essential . By this point , we were all feeling tired and hungry so we decided to head to the hostel . It looked pretty much how hostels do . clean but nothing fancy . I was a little surprised to hear we 'd be sharing two bunk beds in the same room . That said , I didn 't know who I 'd be the least comfortable sharing with . Technically , it should have been Siggy , but , as she seemed to see me as another girl , I didn 't see it as a problem , at least for now . I hoped Jamie would see it the same way . After unloading our stuff , in my case not much - I 'd only planned on a day trip , we decided to explore the little town . From what we had been told , there were two options for eating and entertainment . One was a restaurant down by the docks . This didn 't look very inviting and the place smelled too much of fish , which inexplicably turned my stomach . I had to find the loo and throw up . The second place was a combination of main store ( possibly the only store ) , bar and garage . The rest didn 't bother me but the bar seemed friendly enough from the outside . When he smiled , the skin wrinkled around his eyes . His skin was that mixture of tough and glowing that the Icelanders get from exposure from the elements . I realised that , without knowing he went to school with Siggy , I wouldn 't have been able to place his age . He could have been anywhere between his late twenties and early forties . " Don 't be stupid , you 're tiny . " Siggy informed me with characteristic Icelandic bluntness . " Besides , you need to eat something . " After she said that , she look away . She had a habit of fiddling with the cuffs of her shirt when she was nervous . And she was right . I was . If anything , I 'd lost weight , and maybe even a little height since putting on the suit . I had some idea of how it converted body mass into energy , but I wasn 't sure how it would convert it back . I didn 't want to end up as a pint sized version of myself . Siggy surprised me , " Perhaps you shouldn 't . We can 't drink as much as the boys , " she said , with a serious look . " You 've had a lot lately . " Again , she looked like she said something she shouldn 't , but then I decided that I was just tired . I 'd never heard an Icelandic woman admit to not being able to do anything as well as ' the boys , ' let alone drinking , which was pretty much like breathing to them . I used to think we drank a lot , and we do . I 'd say the French drink because they like the taste of wine . The English drink because we like the feeling of being drunk . The Icelanders , and other Nordic peoples , drink to erase time and space . " Bollocks to that . I 'll drink anyone under the table . " I said , in what I hoped was a lighthearted way . " I 'll give you a hand . " Eventually I spotted it . In one corner were five men of differing ages . Three had acoustic guitars , one some sort of percussion instrument and the final one a violin . They started to play . I didn 't recognise the song but was immediately taken in by their voices . Again , I thought what it must have been like to have been spirited away here , only this time I didn 't think it 'd be so bad . Dagur handed me a pint and we stood watching them play . After a second song , they started playing something akin to a jig . Dagur put his pint down and offered me his hand . Something , maybe the tiredness combined with the drink , maybe my annoyance with Siggy ' policing ' me , made me take it . His hands held me by my narrow waist as we swayed gently . It felt awkward but also freeing . I pulled away , not wanting him to get the wrong idea . He took my hand . " You know swing ? " he asked , with a smile . I was surprised but went along . Jamie had dragged me along to swing dance classes for nearly a year . While I was never really any good , Dagur was . He kept in time while moving me expertly . For my part , I was enjoying how much easier the woman 's part was than the man 's . You just had to follow . At the end of the song , he further took me by surprise . I went for a twirl and he caught me as I 'd hoped , but then he tipped me . I had to cling on to his neck to avoid landing on my bum . There was a spattering of applause and few laughs , probably directed at the confused look on my face . As we picked up the drinks I noticed the concerned look on Siggy 's face . This time I felt bad . She probably thought I was leading on a good friend of hers , not to mention messing around behind Jamie 's back . As I sat back down , I smoothed my skirt underneath me placing my hands in my lap . I had meant just Siggy and me , but didn 't know how to turn them down without being rude . Siggy looked worried . I resolved to reassure her nothing was going on between me and Dagur as soon as I got a chance . We ended up walking a little way out of town to a small stream . I wanted to stop by a large pile of stones and rest on them . The rest of the ground was covered in wet moss and grass , but the Icelanders demurred . I picked up Kristjan muttering something about ' Huldufólk ' , which I knew to mean elves . The Icelanders hated to admit it but they were a superstitious lot . In the end , we stopped about halfway before the mountain . The two boys took off their boots and bathed their feet in the clear water . I imagine it was freezing cold coming from the glacier held back by the mountains . The mountains themselves were carved out by the ice moving across the landscape long ago . Watching them relaxing , I wanted to join them , but that 'd mean taking off my tights . It was too cold for that . I also didn 't like the way Dagur 's eyes lingered on my legs . I had no intention of giving him a show . She sighed , and for a moment I thought she was going to let me have it . " I don 't think that . " Her smile was full of warmth , " I 'm just worried . . All the drinking . . . It might have an effect on . . . , " she looked away , " you , because of the suit . " She sighed and gave up trying to explain herself . She put a hand on my shoulder , " It 's not the nano suit . You are smaller now , less body weight . Alcohol will have more effect . I wasn 't joking before , " she looked over at the two boys who were paying us no attention , " Kristjan , Dagur , James even . They are good guys but some men will want to take advantage . " " Egon yes , he 's been brilliant . But not James , please don 't tell him , or anyone else . " I was surprised that she had never told Jamie , and how she thought of her as " James " and " him . " I was more surprised that she confided in me , that she saw me as another woman . She wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her coat . We caught each other 's eyes and , in spite of ourselves , we laughed . I hugged her closer noticing how she was slightly taller than me now . " We should go see them soon , " she said . " Yes , " I replied emphatically , trying to lighten the mood and make her feel better . " We 'll do a road trip at the weekend . " It was only then I realised how much I missed Jamie . I knew I wouldn 't tell her about Siggy 's secret , not unless Siggy said it was OK , but somehow I knew being near Jamie would make me feel all the better . That night we stayed up late playing cards . I 've never been much of a poker player . I always forget the rules . The boys passed around Kristjan 's vodka bottle , but both Siggy and I stuck to tea . We slept on the same bed that night , Siggy and I . Fully clothed of course . " Hey , can 't we try having sex the normal way ? " I pouted at Jamie and then hated myself for it . We , Siggy and me , drove up north , taking the road that goes around the whole country . With the filming schedule being so packed , this was the only way we would get to see them . Our conjugal visit , Siggy jokingly called it . " We do have sex the normal way , " sighed Jamie . I detected a note of annoyance in her voice . She sat on the edge of the bed . " OK then , " she agreed , begrudgingly . " First , we do it this way . " This is what relationships are about folks , compromise . That and I was horny and needed the release . The sex was , to say the least , strange . While Jamie was pumping away , my mind kept drifting . I kept wondering why she was so adamantly opposed to having it the way we used to . I wondered what , or who , she had been doing on set while I was in Reykjavik . When she finally came , we freed our genitals . The second time , the sex was just weird and desultory . It was strange to be the girl , looking down at a man , yet having sex the old way . I would call it the ' normal ' way , but it wasn 't . I had no upper body strength and it was much harder for me to hold myself up . That , and given the difference in height , I was staring at Jamie 's sternum , not her face . Jamie looked like she couldn 't wait for it to be over . As a result of all of the awkwardness , it took me forever to come . It must have been early when Jamie got up . It was still dark outside . I watched the grey outline of her male body as she got dressed . I felt a woozy sense of contentment coming from the long love making session , I doubt we had slept more than two hours . I felt sorry for her having a long day of filming ahead of her . But I had the physical exhaustion from the long hours of driving to deal with . It helped to know that I would be able to go back asleep once she had left . When I woke again , the clock said 10 : 32 . Shit , I had missed breakfast . I hoped Siggy hadn 't headed out without me ? We were meant to be out exploring while they filmed . I got up realising I was completely naked apart from the body suit . Almost all of my body suit , I had to find my fake pussy . I pulled it back on , not wanting to risk exposure , then sat there sighing as the soothing gel spread out relieving my crushed genitals . After a few minutes , I got up and started looking for my case . It wasn 't near the chair where I had left it . I went to the wardrobe , thinking Jamie may have hung my clothes up . She was always on at me to take better care of them , especially as I was now the one in the dresses and skirts . But no , it wasn 't there . I checked under the bed and in every corner of the room , not that there were many places to hide something so big . Finally , in desperation , I checked the bathroom . There were no clothes but there was a note taped to the mirror . I ripped it off and read it : " Hey sexy , I didn 't want to wake you . I do want to spend the day thinking about you waiting naked for me in our bed . See you in a few hours , enjoy room service xxxx " God damn her kinky side . I didn 't have long to think about it as there was a knocking at the door . I ran back into the bedroom . I pulled a sheet off the bed and wrapped it around me from my armpits down . Composing myself , I opened the door . It was at that moment that I felt my stomach lurching . Without any notice , I started retching . I had one , maybe two minutes to get to safety . Without another word , I turned and ran to the bathroom , flinging my arms around the toilet basin just in time . As I started hurling , I felt Siggy 's hands pulling back my hair and stroking my back . With a jolt , I realised the sheet had fallen off me as I ran . There was no time to worry about it as I knelt there emptying my stomach 's contents . I sat there , slumped on the floor , for ten , maybe twenty minutes before I was sure it was safe enough for me to lean back . Siggy went and got a damp cloth from the shower and placed it on my forehead . I thought about the two - thirds empty vodka bottle on the bedside table . Jamie had insisted . " Drinking on an empty stomach , " I said , my voice hoarse and my mouth tasting like bile . Siggy looked upset . " James needs to stop these games . He can 't keep you up all night like this , " Siggy muttered , as much to herself as me . I didn 't appreciate being treated like a fragile child , but I couldn 't really disagree given the circumstances . I shook my head . " No , " I said . " It 's not the first time I 've done this . I just need some rest . Go have fun . Say hi to Eggy for me . I 'll sleep it off and be good as new . " " OK , " she said warily . " Promise me you won 't do this again . You can 't drink like this anymore , " she said . I didn 't know what to say . I was about to say , " Thanks , mum , " but the look of pure concern on her face made me hold back . Instead , I smiled and said , " I think I 've learned my lesson . " When she returned , I thanked her , " You didn 't have to , " I said . She just smiled and kissed me on the forehead again . It was thoughtful of her . I was glad I wouldn 't have to face a mess in a few hours . " No really , I am OK , " and I really was , the nausea having already passed . " I guess I just needed to get it out of my system . I just need to rest . " After she left , I looked for my laptop and realised that Jamie had hidden it along with my clothes . I assumed that she had just put it somewhere safe , and so I turned on the TV . Thankfully , Icelandic TV shows lots of British shows , just with subtitles . It 's one of the reasons they speak such good English . Still , it felt odd to be watching Silent Witness and Inspector Morse inside the Arctic Circle . It was past 7pm before I finally heard Jamie 's electronic key in the door . I sat up in bed pulling my legs , and the sheets to my chest . I was not best pleased . It had been a long , boring day watching endless TV . At least I was feeling better . I hadn 't eaten . " You look adorable , " Jamie chuckled as she came through the door . Not the right thing to say . I crossed my arms in a huff . I noticed she was pulling my wheelie suitcase behind her . " Sorry hun , " she tried to console me . " I just couldn 't resist . " She sat on the other side of the bed to me . She put her arm around me and I moved away abruptly . " Do you know how many episodes of Inspector Morse I 've watched ? I actually got through two episodes of The Killing in its original Danish I was so bored , " I was in no mood to just forgive her . " Did you learn any useful words ? " She used her calm voice , the one she used when she knew I was angry with her . " It was a stupid prank , " she conceded , " But I did think a day 's rest would do you good . You looked a little under the weather . " Her voice indicated a note of concern , she reached out and stroked my foot . I didn 't pull away . I didn 't want to ruin the weekend . I shrugged , " I am feeling much better now . And you still shouldn 't have done it . You could have left me something to wear . It 's cold here , you know . " " Look , I got you a present , " she indicated a large smooth rock she puts on the bed , " It 's from a volcano , I got it for you . And Angela and Karen are taking us out . If you feel up to it that is ? " " I am not sure . " I knew what I had promised Siggy and knew that I would be better off if I kept the promise , but I felt better and had a severe case of cabin fever . " Fine , " I sighed . " We can go , but I need to take it easy tonight , OK ? " There was only one bar in town and , unsurprisingly it was crowded . It took us an age to get to the bar as cast and crew from the film kept stopping ' James ' to say hi . It was clear that she / he was popular . It felt good to bask in a little of ' his ' reflective popularity . ' James ' introduced everyone to me , far too many names for me to remember . Everyone greeted me with hugs and kisses , but I don 't think a single one of them asked me much beyond my name , and how long James and I had been together . She led me to a cubicle at the back where Angela and Karen were holding court . Sitting opposite them were Siggy and Egon . I budged in next to Siggy and Jamie offered to go to the bar for the table . She was right but I never liked being called out in front of everyone . " One beer , Siggy . I 'll be fine . " Siggy looked at me and then Jamie , as if she expected her to say something . She started to say something and then said , with a smile , " I 'm not cleaning up again . " It was fun to have the gang back together again . Angela kept talking about how well the filming was going and how great James was . I doubt she would have said anything if it wasn 't , but her sheer levels of enthusiasm persuaded me it was at least partly true . Egon had many stories to tell of the trouble of filming out in the cold , getting equipment out to remote locations and moaning actors . " Not you , of course , " he reassured Jamie . I could see Siggy holding on to his arm and I remembered the fertility book I found in their house . Jamie and I had been trying for a long time before we got the bad news that it would be unlikely we would conceive , what with my low sperm count and her ' hostile ' womb . It pained me when I thought about it ; I knew Jamie hated it too , although she refused to talk about it . I hopped Siggy and Egon would be spared the same pain . I nursed my beer for a while . When Siggy went away , I got up and got another one . I drank it quickly to avoid her criticizing me and felt it go to my head . Out of the corner of my eye , I saw a concerned look flit across Jamie 's face , which made me even angrier . ' How dare she ? ' I thought . ' After how she left me . ' Then I thought better . I didn 't want to waste this rare weekend together on a stupid argument . Still , why was she pouting over two beers ? There came a moment when we were left on our own . " What are you doing , why are you drinking so much ? " Her voice was low but angry . " Who do you think you are ? " I said , not keeping my voice down . " First , you leave me naked all day without my laptop . And I 've had , what , two to your six , seven ? Why are you being such an arse ? " I felt chastened . Siggy was there for me this morning . She was there for me with Kristjan and Dagur and she was just concerned . My ego wouldn 't let me admit that though , so I just stared at them . Thankfully , Egon came back from the toilet and halted further escalation . It didn 't matter , our weekend was ruined . We stayed longer than most , leaving only when the staff started putting chairs on tables and mopping . We left the bar , and I walked away from Jamie . Behind me , I could hear Egon and Siggy arguing in German , and I assumed it was about us . Jamie caught up to me and tried to take my arm . I knew she 'd try and explain herself and that , if she did , I 'd forgive her like I always did . Like any good actress ( or , I guessed , now actor ) , she knew how to manipulate her audience and I wasn 't interested in that , not now at least . I stormed off , leaving the other three in my wake . I felt bad that Egon and Siggy were in the middle of this , but it was too late for that . Jamie looked like she was about to die . Even under the nano skin I could recognise her expression . She was about to tell me something terrible . Fuck , I thought , this is it . She 's been cheating on me , or she has cancer . She just stood there , not able to speak . I didn 't know whether to be mad or understanding . In the end , Siggy broke first . I wanted to laugh , " Are you crazy ? " I look her in face expecting to see that impish grin of hers appear , " Look , I know these suits are convincing but come on . I am still a man underneath all this . " Then , in the back of mind , it dawned on me . Telling me to rest , trying to stop the drinking , it all made sense . I didn 't want it to , but it did . Jamie still said nothing and stood there , alternating looks of shame and impassivity . Siggy glared at her and then continued . " She was desperate . When she bought the suits , she thought that it would be like a surrogate . That she would be able to have a baby . You know how much she wants a baby . She was supposed to wear the suit . It was supposed to be a surprise , " she said , tailing off . I couldn 't respond . Jamie stood there ashamed . The only sound was Siggy and Egon arguing in German . It was obvious that he and I were just hearing about this now . I guess that I was , for now , one of the ' guys ' again . To say that the argument went on for a while , would be an understatement . " How long did you two plan to keep this a secret ? " I screamed at Jamie and Siggy . Jamie alternated apologising and defending herself . " You . You . You . It 's all about you . What about me ? It was supposed to me , " and she started to tear up . If we had been us , I would 've caved then . Jamie knew that tears would always get to me . However , seeing ' James ' cry disgusted me . ' Be a man , ' I thought . ' One of us should be . ' " Are you serious ? " I screamed . " Look at me . " She looked at the ground . " LOOK AT ME ! " I screamed . She looked at me and then looked at Siggy and Egon . Siggy look mortified . Egon looked disgusted . Siggy looked like she wanted to say something , but Egon glared at her and put his hand on her arm . She said something in German and then they started arguing . This continued from the street to the car to the house . Finally , at five AM , the fight went out of me . My head was weary with talking . I knew why she had done it , I even sympathised on some level . Had I realised how desperate she was ? Probably not , not before then . Perhaps the fault was partly mine for not realising . All I knew then was that I couldn 't be around her , not now . I was about to say , " yes , " but somewhere deep in that male face was the face of the woman I loved . I looked into her eyes and saw Jamie . Instead , I said , " I don 't know . I need time . " I stood outside Egon and Siggy 's room . It was silent and I assumed that they had fallen asleep . I was going to let them sleep but I needed to get away now and couldn 't call an Uber . I knocked and Egon opened the door . He had clearly been asleep but he didn 't look surprised to see me . " Come in , " he said . " Of course , I can see if any of the crew are driving back . " He said . He didn 't ask me any questions and I loved him for it . Siggy 's voice went quiet . " Just after you arrived , " she said , shaking her head . " I 'm sorry . I should have told you . " She looked at Egon , " Eggy made me see that . " I didn 't want to be around any of them . Egon gave me a look of understanding but said , " she 's your best bet for getting out now , otherwise you might have to wait till Monday . " I suspected he wanted Siggy to take me so we would get the chance to make up . In the end , I didn 't really care . I just wanted to get out . It was nearly 7am by the time we were ready to leave . Without asking , Egon went to my room and got my clothes . I could hear him and Jamie talking , his voice low and angry . I wondered if he regretted hiring Jamie . Part of me hoped so . I showered in their room and changed into a sweater and jeans that Siggy had laid out . I was grateful that she hadn 't left a dress or skirt . I couldn 't deal with that . We went out to the car and I saw Egon load another suitcase into the boot . I wondered if Siggy was leaving too . When we got in , I said , " I appreciate the ride but I may not , probably won 't talk , understand that . " I half slept and half stared out of the window most of the way . There 's a lot of country to see in Iceland and very little human activity . We drove for nearly two hours without seeing any evidence of other humans aside the odd car . I was slipping in and out of sleep . Around lunch time , we came to a little town , the name of which I don 't remember . It was little more than a line of houses along the road . There was a church at one end and a large building with a petrol station at the other . We filled up at the petrol station and bought hotdogs from inside the building . I was sick of hot dogs . They reminded me of everything . Wanting to stretch our legs , we went on a little walk to the church . Mountains loomed behind the church , making it look even smaller than it was - and it was pretty small . It was a beautiful vista but I couldn 't see it , not then . Now , everything just reminded me of everything that had happened , of Jamie . Looking inside I couldn 't believe it could fit everyone in , not even from this small town . I should have said what I felt . That I didn 't expect anything from her . That she wasn 't our friend , that she was Jamie 's friend . For some reason , I let her off the hook . " It 's OK . I know Jamie put you on the spot . " I thought for a second about the bars and was going to thank her for trying to stop my drinking , but decided I wasn 't interested in giving her any credit . We didn 't say anything for a while . I spent the time looking at the painting of Jesus on the wall . It was a strange Jesus , kind of like a Viking Jesus . Viking Jesus would definitely be able to take the normal Hippy Jesus we were used to in England in a fight . I didn 't know . I was pro - choice , of course . It was only then that I started to see the gravity of that choice . Anyone who thinks it 's an easy decision needs to get stuck in one of these surrogate suits . On one hand , if you had said to me just twenty - four hours before that Jamie and I could have a kid I would have bitten your arm off , no matter what I would have to do . On the other , I now didn 't know if I could trust Jamie , and if I really knew her at all . There was a child inside me . Was it fair to blame it for what Jamie did , the mistakes made by the company ? I couldn 't put what I was feeling in words . I sat on a bench for a long while . Siggy kept looking at me , like she wanted to say something but wouldn 't . I don 't know how long I was sitting there when it came to me . Jamie had impregnated me against my will , albeit by accident . I felt violated . I probably would never be able to tell anyone that . If I went to the police and told them my wife impregnated me against my will , they would laugh in my face . I don 't know exactly when I began crying , just that Siggy was holding me as I shook . They play music loud in Reykjavik . My vision was already going foggy when I spotted him . He was tall and Germanic looking . From the look he gave me , I could tell he was interested . Siggy was talking to her friends and had momentarily forgotten to spy on me . I think she 'd almost lost her voice begging me not to drink , begging me to not punish the baby . I returned the Germanic man 's look for a second before turning back to my beer . I had seen girls do it thousands of times . I knew the trick was to not look back until he came over . We talked for a while . He was a Danish photographer who split his time between London and New York . He was in Iceland taking photos for a fashion magazine in Japan , of which I 'd never heard . " No , " he said , " I really mean it . Don 't take this the wrong way but I don 't want models . I want real women who are beautiful . " " Felix wants me to be in his photo shoot , " I grinned at Siggy . I was thinking about how this would get back to Jamie . I enjoyed knowing the pain that it would cause her . I would have preferred to be the ' man ' in this situation , and Felix a hot girl , but still , it would be a win for me to make her jealous . " Kelly , " she said , putting her hands on my shoulders . " I know you 're cross , you should be . " I was having trouble focusing on her . I hadn 't had a lot to drink , only three beers but I was tired , mentally and physically . " But you need to be careful , " she said . " For you . And the baby . " Once I started speaking to her , she seemed unnecessarily focused on the baby . " Thanks for the advice , " I grunted . I didn 't feel like being careful . There didn 't seem to be anything for me about which I needed to be careful . I had no girlfriend , no permanent place to live and no job , at least for the next three months . " You 're right , " I sneered . " I could wake up pregnant . " The alcohol had given me confidence . Beer muscles , an American friend called it . " Please , " she said , tears in her eyes . " Remember … . " And her voice trailed off , which sobered me up quite a bit . " I know it seems bleak , " she said quietly , her voice cracking . " Think of yourself and , " then she put her hand on my belly , " the baby . " With that , I collapsed in tears into her arms . My mind was racing . Did I want this baby , Jamie ? It was all too much . After I don 't know how long , I stopped crying and Siggy said that she was going to take me home . I asked her to take me to a hotel . I looked at the bar and my stomach flipped . The alcohol had worn off and I was nauseous . While Siggy went for our coats , I stared at the ground . I was lost in thought when I felt something slip into the pocket of my t - shirt . I felt a shiver of pleasure as his hand brushed lightly against the breast of my bodysuit . I looked up and Felix stood over me , smiling . " Whoever he is , he 's not worth it . " Somewhere in the back of my mind , the stupid part , I felt like I should defend Jamie , but thought better of it . " I 'm serious though , " he said . " If you want out of Reyjavik and want to earn some money , call me . " I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked more closely at him . He had a handsome , chiseled face . His pale skin was covered in freckles around her cheeks and nose . " Huh ? " " The modeling , " he said , flexing his arms . They were well built and covered in tiny blond hairs . His shoulders were broad and stretched the fabric of his black t - shirt . He smiled and then left . " Just saying goodbye , " I shrugged . I turned my back to Siggy taking Felix 's card out of my breast pocket and slipping it into the back pocket of my jeans . I 'm not sure why I was so secretive . Just the thought of having something of my own to hide made me feel a little better . A little more in control . Siggy had to half carry me home through the lightly falling snow . It looked magical watching the snowflakes fall in front of the street lighting . I suspect I enjoyed it far more than Siggy did . She kept looking like she wanted to say something , but wouldn 't . I was so curious that I almost asked her what she was thinking , but then realised I might not want the answer . I wasn 't ready for a defense of Jamie or a lecture , so I said nothing . I just thought about the baby inside me . I still didn 't understand how this happened , how it could happen . We stopped at the hotdog stand near the sea front , the one Bill Clinton was supposed to have eaten at during his visit . Siggy said she wanted to get some food inside me . I wanted anything but hot dogs , but that was our only option . I choked one down and stared at the water . It was dark and foreboding . I watched the snow falling on the surface of the waves . Each snowflake quickly melted into the icy water , disappearing into the black depths . I thought of the fish underneath the water and how little I knew of them and how little they knew of me . For some reason , this thought was comforting to me . - - - The new day brought with it one hell of a hangover . I stood in front of the little mirror staring at the bags under my eyes . It seemed strange to see how my fake face had been affected by the real damage I 'd done to my body . I felt the skin , the soft lips , it all seemed so real . Eventually I pulled up my t - shirt and rubbed my belly . It was still flat as a pancake . I knew it wouldn 't be long before that changed . After sticking my head under the tap and gulping down cold water , I made my way to the kitchen . It took me an age to get the coffee machine going . At first I forgot to put the water in . I knew it was worth it when I lifted the mug to my mouth , sipping the strong brew . Finally , I resolved to return to the bedroom and google abortions for body suits . I felt guilty doing it but , for my own sanity , I needed to keep my options open . I padded slowly back to the room . SIggy 's room was silent which was good . I finally had a chance to get my head straight without any distractions . I opened up my laptop and opened Google , but I couldn 't do it . Not yet , not with a hangover . Whatever happened , this was a serious decision and needed a clear head , so I decided to distract myself by reading e - mails . I hadn 't checked it since we toured the island with Dagur and Kristjan , which felt like a lifetime ago . Most were e - mails from former work colleagues , which only made me feel more alone . It took me nearly five minutes before I spotted it . " From Rich Dale , re your submission . " At first I was confused , as I hadn 't submitted anything in ages . A few years before , I had sent my ' great ' novel to a few publishers and agents . I 've always wanted to be a writer , ever since I was a kid writing fan fiction and crazy sci - fi stories . I had recently found some of the stories and cringed , thinking ' well , it 's good that I found something else to do . ' After about a year of getting turned down , I 'd given up . Most of the rejection emails were depressingly similar , clearly standard replies . I had continued to write , but only for my own pleasure . Sipping the coffee , I opened the email . " Dear Ms . Kelly Rogerson , " This confused me , Rogerson was Jamie 's maiden name . " Thank you for submitting your manuscript to us , " it said . Had I sent another one out and then forgotten about it ? I thought , ignoring the name on the e - mail to me . " We would be pleased to discuss the possibility of representing you and your novel at the earliest convenience . " I read through it several times , looking to see whether there was an e - mail attached from ' me , ' but there wasn 't . I checked my sent folder to see if there was any correspondence with this Rich Dale and found none . Then I searched for the name of the literary agency ' Dale & Associates ' and found two e - mails , the first dated two months ago , right around when I lost my job . I opened it and saw the manuscript for a silly story , " Danelaw , " I 'd written for fun earlier that year . I 'd never sent it off anywhere . It was just some dumb Scandi - crime - style nonsense , set in the North of England . I 'd written it to amuse myself . The second email was a reply , probably from Rich 's secretary or an intern acknowledging the receipt of the first . It must have been Jamie who sent it . There was no one else with access to my e - mail . I sat there silently looking at the screen reading and re - reading the email . I gathered my thoughts and started on a reply , which I found impossible . It was ironic , given my job and why I was responding . My first response was a rambling mess . It tried to explain that I was a man , writing under a woman 's name and explaining why I would appear to be a woman . On second read , I realised that I sounded like a lunatic and that this guaranteed that they would reject it . Instead , I sent the following e - mail ; it was short and to the point : Thank you so much for reading my manuscript . I would be glad to meet with you to discuss representation . I am currently away visiting friends in Iceland but I will be back in London from the end of the week . Is there a good time for us to meet next week ? After rereading it a couple of times to make doubly sure I was doing the right thing I hit send . I couldn 't decide how I felt . On the one hand , I was grateful that Jamie had submitted it , since I had long since given up hope . On the other hand , she went into my e - mail without asking me , without telling me . That and I couldn 't figure out why she had made me female , had given me her maiden name . I finished my coffee and got into the shower . I felt the water hit my body , this body . It felt good and I stopped thinking about it , until I saw my reflection in the mirror . Then I decided that I was going to go back to London . I had time to decide about Jamie and the baby . I needed to meet with this agent . " Fine , " I said . I started to say something about the agent but decided not to . I knew she meant well but I didn 't trust her not to say something to Jamie , sorry to James . And I didn 't want him to know . She sat on the bed . " I know you are upset with James but … , " she said . I held up my hand . " Siggy , no . Not today . I know you 're concerned but I don 't , I can 't , I won 't . " I smiled . " I promise no drinking but I don 't want to hear his name today , OK ? " She looked at me gravely and said , " This is not about him . I am very upset with him too . I just want you to think about your baby . " I debated what to say next , not trusting her . I decided to test her , figuring what I said next would get back to Jamie . " I don 't know what I am doing about this baby , " putting the emphasis on ' this . ' I remembered the books on her shelves and felt awful . Whatever she knew , I assumed that she and Egon were in the same place we were . I started to tear up . " I 'm sorry , Siggy , " I said , putting my arm around her . " I don 't know what I am going to do , but I will be careful , I promise , " and I meant it . " I don 't know , " I lied . I hated lying to her , she had tried to help and protect me , but she was Jamie 's friend , her spy . " I just know I don 't want to be here . Not now . " I reached over to hug her . " I 'll make my way to the airport . Thank you for taking me here . " I packed up my bag and took it to her car . We didn 't talk on the short ride . I had a lot that I wanted to say but couldn 't say any of it and Siggy looked like she felt the same way . We got to the airport and I went to take my bag out of the boot . Siggy came out and took her bag out . She looked sad , " These are some clothes for you . Some of them will fit you now . The rest will fit you if you decide … " and her voice cracked . " At least for the next couple of months . " I looked into her eyes and saw pain . I realised what the books were . I went to say something and she put her fingers to my lips . " No , Kelly . Don 't . Just please call me , text me when you get to where you 're going . You don 't have to tell me where , I know you won 't , just please let me know you 're safe . And please stay safe . Again , I am sorry . " I hugged her . It was strange , her being taller than me . My voice cracked as I said , " I will . Sorry you had to be in the middle . " And I was . She didn 't put herself there , Jamie did . If you liked this post , you can leave a comment and / or a kudos ! Click the Thumbs Up ! button below to leave the author a kudos : up108 users have voted . And please , remember to comment , too ! Thanks . This story is 10759 words long . Printer - friendly versionLog in or register to post comments beautiful but confusing . Don 't get me wrong , it is easily understood , just confusing in what his wife / girlfriend / whatever she is and will be from now on , did and why . It seems she deliberately ordered the suits for them wrong , since she had referred to him , as a female when writing to the agency on his behalf about his silly story . If the male suit came in a size fitted to her and the female suit in a size fitted to him , even being ultimately flexible , that seems further evidence of her duplicity . It SEEMS to me , and I stress the word SEEMS deliberately , like that is the only logical answer . I have always envied women the ability to have children and nurse them . The connection Mother 's have with their babies , that we fathers will never know . Yet the thought of actually being female , and giving birth after a long pregnancy , absolutely terrifies me . Like all men , I am less strong and less courageous than the women in my life . Bravo on a brilliant story . This is a very interesting story . It makes me wonder what I 'd do in the same situation - - if it was possible , of course . I like to imagine that it would eventually be possible . I thought it was very wrong for Siggy and James not to tell Kelly but it happened . Now what will Kelly do ? I 'll keep reading to find out . I 'm really enjoying this . The angst , the bitter feelings . . . . beautifully conveyed . The pregnancy and the suit will be pouring female hormones into her body . It will be fascinating to see how she becomes a female as the months go by I can 't speak for Liz , but I don 't know how Kelly 's going to react and what will happen . I start with one idea and usually end up somewhere else completely . Let 's see and I hope you all stick with us . As Jess says I think this story is developing in a very natural way . Working with Jess is great as she has a real talent for pulling apart characters and understanding their motivations . Not sure where it will end but I 'm excited to find out . |
1 : Jess , we wanted to give you something for your graduation that you could keep close to your heart . This album is called Memories and Surprises . . . . many of the things in here you will remember , and some you will not because you may have been too young . . . . you 'll have to see the surprises for yourself . So we put together some of the cherished memories we share . We 've had a lot of good times ; some silly times , and tears at times too , and as you go off to college , you 'll be making new friends along with new memories . We truly hope that we will be among some of those new memories . We love you with all of our hearts . Grandma and Grandpa 2 : Tammie was born prematurely and her life ended far too soon ; even so , we look forward to seeing her again by resurrection sometime in the near future . When you were with us on a Thursday or Friday , you 'd come with me to take care of her . Do you remember how she loved it when I sang the name game to her . . . . ? I would sing my name , your name , your mom and dad 's names and she laughed at those , but . . . . she would laugh even more when I sang her name . Still , I think she was laughing AT me and probably thought I was pretty silly too . I guess that I do get a little silly at times - - - - ya think ? - - - - Nnaaaa | Sorry the 2 pictures are so blurry , but grandpa had a camera that nobody knew how to use . . . so every picture we took with that camera came out blurry . That is the only picture we have of grandpa holding Tammie . | Tammie Rene ' Whitcomb November , 1989 - April , 1998 | Your grandma Whitcomb is holding you in one picture , and Aunt Kathy is holding Tammie in another . 3 : Then you came along . You didn 't get a chance to spend too much time with her , mostly when you came with me on a Thursday or a Friday when I took care of her . You did like playing with her . Oh , I remember how you and I would talk excitedly about when she will come back to life through the resurrection in the near future . We talked about how she would laugh and run and skip , and talk incessantly about all the things she wanted to say when she was alive , but wasn 't able to because of her limitations . . . . at that time she won 't be your big sister anymore , she 'll be your little sister then . Tammie will still be eight years old when she is resurrected . | Tammie was in Lutheran hospital a couple of times , and I would go in sometimes 3 times a day while she was there . I 'd pick her up ; lay her stomach on my chest so she could hear my heartbeat . I sat in the rocker and just talk softly to her . One day I came in and the therapist was with her . I called Tammie 's name and she struggled with all her might to turn her head to see me . The therapist was shocked to see her react to someone like that . So after that , whether she was awake or asleep , I 'd always picked Tammie up and rock her . She looked comfortable and contented when I held her against me and talked softly . 4 : This is Jason and JR . Both of them are grandpa 's boys . They were about this age when you were born . They sure liked it when you came and stayed with us . It didn 't matter to them that you were an infant , and you didn 't know how to play very much . They liked to entertain you anyway and that was a big help to me at dinner time . You were with us quite a bit after you were born . When you got to be a toddler then you could play some and they loved it . They were a big part of your life for 6 or 7 years . Let 's not leave out grandpa either . He loved playing with you and he was very good at that . All of us did a lot of baby talking to you , even grandpa . You 've always been so happy , and people just love you | Jason never liked getting his picture taken , so we don 't have many of him when he became an adult 5 : Here 's Jason and his girlfriend Diane . Unfortunately , they never did marry , and they have 3 girls together . I don 't think that Jason gets to see his daughters much anymore because Diane made him move out , and won 't tries to keep him from seeing the girl . I know that he misses them terribly , how can he not ? Take a look at those sweet little faces . | Here 's JR today with his wife Terri . They had a baby girl a couple of years ago and named her Hailey . I sure like that name . You 'd like Terri , she 's really sweet . JR is as good hearted as he ever was . | When JR and Terri got married , JR made arrangements for his dad and me to attend the wedding . He paid for everything . He isn 't rich by any means , but he and Terri are doing OK . It must have been a nightmare planning all the details since both Terri and JR have 2 sets of parents each . They planned very well so that they included everyone . I thought that he and Terri did well in not leaving any one out . 6 : Ever since you could walk , whenever I headed toward the kitchen , I would hear the pitter patter of your little feet right behind me . Sometimes I tried to keep you away , but when you came running to me insisting that you should sit on the shelf to " help " me , I could not say no to that sweet little face and those pleading eyes . So , when you were with us , I never cooked alone . Your favorites were meat loaf , popcorn , pancakes , and your very favorite as you would say was " Egg Foo Yum . " Do you remember what your exclusive job was ? It was to pick up the cover on the pancake plate when more were ready , and cover them back up when I put the new ones on the plate and you did that for the Egg Foo Yum too . You were so happy " helping " me , and while I was cooking , we would just talk and talk . The as you got a little older , you were able to help me cook more . Even though I could have done dishes faster , when you wanted to help with them too , I let you . What a mess you made . The thing you liked to do was rinse them . You 'd rinse them a long time and sometimes stick them back into the dishwater and rinse them again . You thought that was great fun . I treasure those times . | Something else that became a habit was you waking up early , and climbing into bed with us . You 'd climb up on top , and snuggle down between us and go back to sleep . Every morning we just listened with anticipation as we waited to hear your little footsteps pitter patter quickly down the hallway that leads to our room . . . . Honestly girl , one thing I don 't understand , where did you ever learn to fall out of bed ? | Oh yea , one time we thought we 'd make something different , so we looked at the cook book and decided to make curried celery because we had a lot of it . When we served it , no one would eat it because frankly , it was disgusting . You though , you loved it . The rest of us kept looking at each other and laughing because we couldn 't believe that you actually liked it and you kept eating until it was gone . I thought that I would try to add the recipe in here , b7 : Here 's baby Jessica after a bath . This was another thing that you just loved a bath . When you were here , I 'd give you a bath , dress you for bed . You 'd be so relaxed while I rocked you . Believe me ; you were so ready for bed after a bath that many times you would fall asleep either in my arms , or grandpa 's we both wanted to rock you . When you got a little older , I 'd get the water ready for you . Then you would get in and in there for an hour or longer . That water was stone cold and you were wrinkled way beyond prune when you finally were ready to get out . | Look at you . . . . You 're having a bad hair day . Literally you are . . . . just look at that doo 8 : 1991 . . . the dirt pile in our back yard . Now , this you really loved . We just kept going up and down and up and down . Then you 'd sit on top and play for a while . Just look at you , hamming it up for the camera . Hey , we told you that if you didn 't behave yourself , we 'd drop you off at the babysitters . We never had to take you there , because you were always such a good child . You also had two dolls here , Bobby and Sally . Before you went back home , we would always make your bed , and sit Bobby and Sally on the pillow . They just waited and waited until you came back and play with them again . You know we still have them today . 9 : Jr was the one who played with you the most . Jason did too , but not as often . He was in High School and was busy studying a lot . He did love studying for school , and about Jehovah he spent a lot of time doing that and he was very good at it too . JR really liked playing with you . Look at the 2 of you , just building snowmen , sliding , playing , and whispering . . . . what , I don 't know . You were comfortable with both the boys . 11 : Do you remember getting these things that I mailed you ? I made them on the computer and sent them . I used to make you cards , silly pictures , and calendars . We missed you when you weren 't here , and now you are working toward your independence , but I have the feeling we will see you once in a while . Keep the phone calls coming ; we do enjoy them so much . 12 : You 're so cute with grandpa and Carrots the cow that you took everywhere you went . You always loved to sit in the chairs with us and cuddle . Right here though it looks to me like you are getting too big to fit in the chair with us anymore . Do you remember how we laughed when grandpa or I tried to stuff you into a chair with us ? I guess we did get silly at times . . . you are hamming it up again . You were sitting on the floor in our bedroom in Lochbuie . . . once you saw the camera . . . . there you were too . 13 : Here you are at different ages in your life . I thank your mom for sending them each year . Each year was going by fast as you were approaching the teen years . I 'm so thankful that your mom did send me one every year , because there were a few years we couldn 't see you . I know you remember that because you were happy to see me when I went into the back hall at Ann 's while you were putting on your shoes , and you said you were hoping that I would come out there . You told me how much you missed us . Oooohh . . . . tell grandpa to put his tongue back in his mouth . | We are happy that we had you to spoil , and give you back to mom and dad . That 's what 's so much fun about being a grandparent ; spoil and give back . . . another memory I 'll bet comes to your mind now and then . . . . When grandpa worked the night shift and slept during the day , we would have to play the " Whispering Game " Remember whispering while playing Yahtze or Sorry , but you sure did manage to gloat even when we were whispering . . . even so , you were so vicious when you were winning . You said you were sorry , but I knew you really weren 't . Both grandpa and I would not trade one second of our time with you for anything in this world | Here you are , hamming it up for the camera . . . we think that is just one of your charming traits . . . | I just remembered another story for you . You used to come to the Kingdom Hall in Hudson with grandpa and me while you were with us . You loved going to the Kingdom Hall . You would go to everyone , shake hands and say hello to familiar faces . I remember one Sunday ; a brother gave a talk on Ephesians 6 : 1 which is about being obedient to your parents . When the meeting was over , you said to me ; " He 's right I need to work on that with my mom and dad " . I was so shocked to hear you say those words that I just had to bring you to that brother so you could tell him what you just learned . He was so impressed that a 5 or 6 year old child was paying attention ; meditated on what you heard , and knew that you needed to apply it to yourself . I 'll tell you a l14 : A resident there would play the piano near lunchtime . When you heard the music , you would run to the living room and start to dance . As the residents headed toward the dining room , they 'd sit down in the living room and watch you dance instead . As long as the music was playing , you were dancing . Everyone applauded when the music stopped . You were never shy about being the center of attention . The residents got a big kick out of the entertainment you provided . Believe me when I say , you did brighten their days when you danced . I know you remember GG when she was living in Maple Tree Assisted Living . . . that was such a nice place , and she was well taken care of . . . the most important thing was she loved it there | Sorry the best granddaughter award hadn 't been sent to you . You can tell when I made this just from the picture . It 's our vacation in CO in 2007 . This is GGPA and GG when they were younger . I think you were about 1 - 2 years old when he passed away . 15 : This is a very heartwarming story . Sometimes I cry a little when I think of this one , I will never forget it . . . GGPA had been sick for quite a few years . . . When you were an infant , I remember I put you in GGPA 's arms . . . at that moment , his face lit up ; the pain in his eyes had vanished and was replaced by a bright sparkle . . . his whole demeanor changed . For a few moments I could see the happy memories of his life being played in his mind and he was young again . . . I miss him very much . You would have loved him . . . although he is not your natural GGPA . . . I consider him to be my father and always willthe same with the way you feel about grandpa . He 's not your natural grandpa , but you will always think of him as your grandpa . | 4 generations seated at the same table . GG truly enjoyed this . We always had lunch with her when you were here . This is when you and mom lived with us for a while in 2005 . 16 : Grandpa loves his garden . That was an exceptional year for the garden . We had an abundance of yellow squash , zucchini , red , green and yellow peppers . There was cantaloupe , butternut squash , some onions , carrots , potatoes , green beans and beets . Of course , this garden is in Missouri . Things actually grow here because it rains . Colorado only produces thorns and thistles . Grandpa didn 't have much time when he was working , but now that he 's retired , he 'll have more time to take care of the garden . Then there are those funky veggies that grandpa grew that year . I think they are hysterical . There were more , but I only got pictures of these | The hummingbird feeder was always something interesting to watch . I can hardly believe that they flap their wings so many times per second . I looked it up , and do you believe they flap them about 50 times per second . I took these photos when the feeder was in front of the house . | Remember this marker ? You always knew that we were almost there to grandmas and the long drive was almost over . Just so you won 't forget what our house looks like . 17 : Just so you won 't forget what our house looks like is why I put this in here . | These sticks were planted a year or two after we bought the house . It took a long time to plant them . Some days after grandpa got home from work ; we 'd go outside and plant a few , maybe 15 to 20 bushes . Our backs were hurting after we did that . I think we planted about 60 or 70 bushes . Those became the shrubs in front of the house . | I loved to watch you ride on the tractor with grandpa , and when he used the big tractor out of the acreage , you went with him also . You enjoyed that so much , grandpa and I loved to see you happy . Then you would work with him in the garden . when you got bored , you 'd come back into the house . Which was soon after you started working in the garden . | Do you remember the squash casserole we used to make with zucchini or yellow squash ? It was made with stuffing mix , sour cream , shredded carrots , and something else ? Oh , that was so good . We loved it , grandpa wasn 't crazy about it but he said it was OK . That 's what he always says . 19 : These pictures show the equipment of the day when we were growing up . The rollers and clips were very uncomfortable . Getting your hair done was a painful process . What women wouldn 't do for their man huh ? Dig that sink . There 's where we got our hair washed . The tray that we laid back on was metal , and the hose was huge it sprayed all over the place . Doesn 't this hair dryer look like a space helmet ? That 's what it looked like to us . And I remember it being sooo loud . Dig the Martian permanent wave machine . Doesn 't it remind you of something out of the 50 's sci - fi movies ? Oh , you probably don 't watch those old movies . Anyway , it reminds me of a type of machine that steals your brain . The metal curlers got hot after a while because the heated tentacles were attached to them . Anyway When GG was about 18 - 19 years old , she became a hairdresser . GG kept on doing hair up until she was 76 . GG was good at what she did . Her favorite part of hair dressing was listening to people 's problems . She said that they would talk and talk about everything happening in their lives . She did love people . She really slowed down in the 90 's , and stopped completely in 1997 when she got into an accident near our house in Lochbuie and didn 't remember that she did . It took her 4 hours to find her way home ; it was only 35 - 40 minute drive . Lynn and I moved her into a seniors apartment in Arvada and she was OK for a short time , but then she was calling me often telling me she didn 't feel safe there and by 2000 she was calling every day and telling me that she couldn 't go out of her apartment because she got lost and she couldn 't find her way back . Grandpa and I were already here in MO , so I found a nice place for her to live in town here . That was the residential care place that you have visited quite a few times . 21 : Matthew 24 : 3 - 12 and Luke 21 : 7 - 11 have some very interesting things to say about what the wars mean . . | Josh Fueston was my nephew , he was my sister Laurie 's son and his death was devastating to all who knew and loved him . . . . from here on , we will just await the resurrection of those sleeping in death . . . John 5 : 26 - 29 . . . it is promised . . | Now back to happier things . . . . | Josh visited a few times from WA when we lived in CO . The two of you played well , but what can you expect when you get two young ones together who are out going and lovable . See , you were kind of young here . Josh was one year older than you are . Then there is Josh grown up . He was 14 years old in 2 of these pictures . He joined the army after one of the recruiters got hold of him and told him all kinds of stories about not much fighting going on in Iraq , and all the bonus money he could get , and the army would pay for his education Unfortunately , after he was deployed to Iraq and he was sent home a couple of months later with an extreme case of post traumatic stress disorder . When people come back from war , they are never the same again . Even more tragic was that he ended those painful consequences of war . He jumped in front of a train in Washington , DC on September 13 , 2009 . He was only 19 years old . What a waste of life 22 : Remember when uncle Bob did this ? I do . . . it was when we were there with your mom and dad , and we were getting ready to go on our vacation to Colorado Springs in 2007 , and you 're in the den getting your suitcase ready to go These are the family members that are still alive and talking to each other . I especially like the one of grandpa , me , and my two daughters . . . We are a lot of people when we are able to get together . Caleb is so lovable isn 't he of course the family picture was in August 2009 . I 'm so glad that Jay and Tammie and Caleb were there and I got to meet them . Caleb is so precious . Especially when you think about how early he was born . We all worried for a while . Everyone was prepared in case he developed some of the same setbacks that Tammie did . Even though he had some effects , he overcame them and became healthy . The medical field has advanced so much since Tammie was born that there is so much more they can do to help preemies today . Remember when uncle Bob did this ? I do . . . it was when we were there with your mom and dad , and we were getting ready to go on our vacation to Colorado Springs in 2007 , and you 're in the den getting your suitcase ready to go These are the family members that are still alive and talking to each other . I especially like the one of grandpa , me , and my two daughters . . . We are a lot of people when we are able to get together . Caleb is so lovable isn 't he Of course the family picture was in August 2009 . I 'm so glad that Jay and Tammie and Caleb were there and I got to meet them . Caleb is so precious . Especially when you think about how early he was born . We all worried for a while . Everyone was prepared in case he developed some of the same setbacks that Tammie did . Even though he had some effects , he overcame them and became healthy . The medical field has advanced so much since Tammie was born that there is so much more they can do to help preemies today . 26 : Just look at a few of the animals and the beautiful scenery that Jehovah created just for mankind 's pleasure . I think life is awesome . Jehovah lets each living being form their individual personality along with free will . With only a glimpse of these animals , one can tell that their personalities are as different from each others as our . Doesn 't it warm your heart to watch animals just being themselves ? 28 : Here are some pictures from the Hubble Spacecraft . Astronomers can see that the heavens are expanding , but they don 't know why or how . The reason is because they don 't believe that Jehovah is the one doing the creating . It is so plain to see . . . . Now on to another section that I hope you 'll like . . . . | ( Psalm 147 : 4 ) . . He is counting the number of the stars ; All of them he calls by [ their ] names . . 29 : Jess . . . this is the end of this section . . . I wish we had taken more pictures of you when you were little . Since we didn 't , it is what it is . So on we go with more memories that we share . The pictures below are part of the surprises , but you 'll have to figure it out yourself . . . . . | HI | NT 32 : In 2007 , we went from Ann and Bob 's to Colorado Springs , We spent 2 nights there in a not so nice hotel . . . I think it was Howard Johnson 's wasn 't it . . . but the things we did made up for it . . . let 's remember the things we did . . . Everyone needs to have their picture taken holding up the balancing rock at least once . . . . I think that 's a law isn 't it ? | Does Montana know how undeveloped you are . . . . 33 : That grade was steep wasn 't it ? I know that I felt like we were going straight up . Look at the surprised look on your face ( Not ) but it 's a good picture and appears real . That 's my story and I 'm sticking to it . Just about every picture of you is a hammy one . As I said earlier , hammy to us is just one of your charming traits . I guess we all ham it up for the camera sometimes . I just love to live in the moment . . . don 't you . . . . ? The top of Pikes Peak was a little chilly . You didn 't seem to have a problem looking over the edge , me . . . I get dizzy when I get too close to the edge . The cog train was slow , but it got us up there . Better than driving the road ; the road is dirt , winding , close to the edge in many spots , one lane in other spots , and you have to keep stopping to cool the brakes off on the way down . The scenery was nice too . There 's another cog train going up the hill . Talk about your head being in the clouds , ours were for a while . It was pretty hazy going up and while we were on top . 35 : That grade was steep wasn 't it ? I know that I felt like we were going straight up . Look at the surprised look on your face ( Not ) but it 's a good picture and appears real . That 's my story and I 'm sticking to it . Just about every picture of you is a hammy one . As I said earlier , hammy to us is just one of your charming traits . I guess we all ham it up for the camera sometimes . I just love to live in the moment . . . don 't you . . . . ? The top of Pikes Peak was a little chilly . You didn 't seem to have a problem looking over the edge , me . . . I get dizzy when I get too close to the edge . The cog train was slow , but it got us up there . Better than driving the road ; the road is dirt , winding , close to the edge in many spots , one lane in other spots , and you have to keep stopping to cool the brakes off on the way down . The scenery was nice too . There 's another cog train going up the hill . Talk about your head being in the clouds , ours were for a while . It was pretty hazy going up and while we were on top . 36 : : Now , look at those delicious " Pikes Peak high altitude donuts " with attitude , and they were FREE with my coupons from the Internet . I like FREE . Remember she said that they can only be made on Pikes Peak ? Others have tried to make them at lower levels but they don 't rise , so the altitude does really have everything to do with it . Do you think people will notice that we are at the top of Pikes Peak ? Nnaaaa . . . I think we hid it quite well , don 't you think . . . . . no one will notice . 37 : Just one last look around , and it 's back down the hill : Just one last look around , and it 's back down the hill just in time for the rain . We all could breathe easier when we got back to Manitou Springs . . . . . . speaking of which . . . . the Melodrama Dinner Theater was across the street from the train station . We had dinner there , and it was served family style that was nice and very cozy . The dishes didn 't look like they were very big , but they held a lot of food . . . . the icing on the cake that day was the performance that night at the theater , and what a hoot it was . . . . If we had known that we could take cameras in . . . Well . . . we 'd just have pictures in this album now wouldn 't we ? | Are you yawning . . . . or posing ? ? ? | Are you yawning . . . . or posing ? ? ? 38 : It was an unexpected moment when the flashes started , and the heroine said " OOOOH pictures " then they locked arms and went from one side of the stage to the other smiling just as big as can be , and stopping to pose in each direction . That was funny , funny . It was a riot . Then we hissed and booed at the villain , yeaaa 'd for the hero , clapped for the lady between good and bad , and went oooohh . . . . aaaaahhhh for the heroine . What a fine way to end the day . . . Let 's go on to the Molly Kathleen Mine . Remember the elevator ride . . . standing squished as they loaded us in the back to front position . . . it was kind of personal . . . . I 'm glad he put the three of us together , I 'm not crazy about being cozy and intimate with people I don 't know . . . . know what I mean ? . . . that sign on the gate to elevator was unusual , but I can see why that was necessary . . . . The conditions down in the mine were damp and cool . . . . recall the widow maker jack hammer like drills and dynamite settings there . . . . I would not like to work there . . . . 40 : Yes . . . the Mollie Kathleen was educational . Then there was that lame train ride in Cripple Creek . Remember we looked at our clothes and kept wondering where that black stuff was coming from . . . . . . it took us a few minutes to figure out that the black stuff was soot coming from the coal fueled engine . . . . . who knew ? . . . we sure had a good laugh over that . . Didn 't we ? 41 : The widow maker was pointed out to us , it has to be a truly tough machine that shakes the body and rattles the bones . . . I guess that is why it is called the widow maker . . . And , remember the figures of men working on the ceiling of the mine . . . . they had to take everything with them for the day because they were not able to come down on their shift . . . relieve themselves you ask . . . . they yelled . . . " look out below . . . . " and hopefully everyone below them could hear it above the noise . I can 't believe that they still work that mine in the winter months . . . . 42 : Yes . . . Grandpa does love me . . . | I was having a bad hair day as far as shooting the rapids at Sheep 's Head Canyon . Oh , you know that grandpa loves me . He kept pulling me back into the boat every time I started to fall backwards . The first time , I fell with my back on the rocks , I kept thinking , " Uh Oh . . . when this rock ends I 'm going to be in the water " . . . . . Then my hero would pull me back into a sitting position . All the time the guide would yell at me " Stay in the boat . . . stay in the boat . " What the heck was that all about . . . . . I certainly wanted to stay in the boat . . . . I had absolutely no desire to get thrown into that river of rocks . . . . OUCH . . . | I do remember another thing that happened in Breckenridge . . . I put my purse down on the chair next to you while we ate in KFC . . . . when we left there . . . guess what . . . we left my purse there too . . . we both had forgotten that we put it there . . . it 's a good thing that someone was honest and turned it in to management . . When I called there 2 hours later , they said that they had it . . . whew . . . w . . . 44 : MY FAVORITE PICTURE | The Hard Luck Café in Branson where all workers take turns singing the whole time you are there . I know this is the not your favorite picture , but it is ours . Jason is a former contestant on American Idol . What a voice he has , and when he surprised you by plopping down next to you . Your eyes got huge , and your mouth dropped open . When he started singing to you , you turned beet red . That might have been enough embarrassment for you . . . . but nnnoooo . . . I made you go get the camera from the car , and asked Jason to do it again . I remember he said to you ; " The things we do to please our grandparents . . . huh ? " Jess , you 're such a good sport . . . | Dear Montana This was not my idea . . . my grandma made me do it | Yes its true ; it is grandma & grandpa 's job to embarrass you and we did it quite well don 't you think ? We really tried hard 46 : Yes sireeeee . . . . . We did too ! We climbed up every step of that tower and back down again . It was near Eureka Springs so we got to that stop first . Each level we climbed I thought I could see the top and there was only one more flight to go but , I thought wrong . . . What a way to start off our trip . . . . our legs were like wet noodles when we got back down to the ground . . . . I remember when we went to see the Acrobats of China . . Instead of driving there and getting caught up in traffic , we walked up the hill . . . . Oooohh that was so hard because our legs were still hurting and they hurt even more the next day . . . . 47 : before we go on to the next page I have to admit just how bad my memory is . I can 't remember which attraction we went to next , but I assure you , they will all be here in your album . . . However , before the page is turned , we have to have a little scenery and then a little humor . . . have you ever owned a pair of flip flops ? I think I remember seeing you in them once or twice . . . on the next page you 'll see not only why this footwear is silly , BUT some over paid master of design , imagined that people would want to wear these . . . would you ? ? ? Are you ready ? | Left : Butchart Gardens , Vancouver , British Columbia , Canada Middle : African sunset Right : At just the right angle , this man appears to be holding the sun in his hands 49 : OUCH ! OUCH ! ! OUCH ! ! ! OUCH ! ! ! ! | The new " Platform Shoes " My feet will get dirty . . . but I don 't care , because I 'm pretty , pretty , pretty | Has anyone seen my beautiful peacock lately ? | Now . . . onward to Dogwood Canyon . . . . 50 : : Peace and quiet is our thing , that 's why this is one of our favorite destinations . Remember the soft sounds of the waterfalls as they feed all the pools of water . The guide explained that the bridge was built by the Amish who do not use electricity , and then pointed out this showcase is displaying the hand tools they used to do this project . That bridge is solid . The Amish really take pride in the things they build . That 's why their structures are so sturdy , and that is extremely rare in today 's society . Today people take shortcuts and don 't care if their work is inferior . | Dogwood Canyon Lampe , MO 52 : All the pools are stocked with trout and the handicapped children are invited to fish once a year . This was funny when the fish were swimming calmly and then when the guide feeds the fish , wow . . . . . they went nuts . I always like the quiet . . . . except when we get near the lawn care people . . . . their machines sure do make a lot of noise . . . most of them were courteous and shut them off until we got past them 53 : The tram ride through the park was so peaceful and goes beyond the park boundaries and through the free range wildlife refuge . It was nice until the buffalo and large steers came near enough to touch . Then we begged the driver to go , go ! The chuck wagon is for special occasions . People rent the picnic areas and have their event catered . They 'll cook anything the group wants from lobster to chili . There were several wood carvings along the way . Didn 't you just love the tram going through the water on several occasions . . . . That one there I think was the one at eye level when we got fully in the water . . . . I liked that . 55 : : I love this waterfall the best . . . . that 's why I wanted to have our picture taken there . The waterfall behind you is pretty also . . . let 's face it . . . they are all beautiful . The pictures are pretty well self explanatory . . . now you can tell your story . . . 57 : The stalactites , stalagmites , bacon , crystals , and others are just awesome . The bacon can be seen clearly in the one picture . Then there was the razorback and it is significant because the state of Arkansas is known as the razorback state . I see a dragon in one picture 60 : Quigley 's Castle is the dream home of Elise Quigley ( 1910 - 1984 ) . The paths wind around secluded benches , a lily pond and bird baths to her home covered with stones she 'd collected since childhood . She found a way to sleep in tree tops full of bloom . Tropical plants grow in the natural soil of the first floor and brush the ceiling of the second floor . She has a butterfly , fossil , crystal , arrowhead and glassware collection beyond imagination . She came to the Ozarks when she was nine . She loved the outdoors and began to collect rocks as she walked along a creek bed to school . | The Entrance . . . The history following this picture is for those who browse the pages of this book and don 't know anything about this castle . . . but would like to . . . . . 61 : When she was 18 during the depression , she married my grandfather , Albert . They lived in a lumber shack and had five children . My grandfather promised her a house with the lumber cut off their own property . She designed a house in 1943 that would allow her to bring nature indoors . The design called for 32 large windows , and glass was rationed because of the war . They argued about it for several months . One day when my grandfather left for the mill ; she and the five children , tore the lumber shack down . She moved them into the chicken house . That is where my grandfather found he was living when he came home that evening . That 's where they lived while he , the sons , and a great uncle built " the castle . " They were able to move into the wooden structure by that winter , but it was three more years before they were able to get the 32 window spaces . She used the three years to cover the outside walls with her rock collection . We had been there before , and each time we go , we see more . Her collections are truly amazing . Grandpa took her everywhere she went ; because she couldn 't drive . He worked the farm and lumber mill until he died at the age of 66 . Elise Quigley died in 1984 . Her granddaughter along with her two children still lives in the house and takes care of it 63 : Just a glimpse of the butterfly , rock , shell , and bottle collections . Yes . . . that is the outdoors brought inside . . . so relax , your eyes are not playing tricks on you . Most of these explanations are for others reading the pages . . . 69 : The mailbox , bird bath , house , and inside fireplace with shells for decoration . . . . have you seen any so large and in one piece ? | The End of Quigley 's Castle . . . . on to the attractions in Branson . . . at least the ones we have pictures of . . . | The camera won 't be put away yet , but remember the attractions that wouldn 't let us take pictures . . . . 71 : These pages filled with butterflies speak for themselves . The only thing that would have made this visit to the butterfly palace better would be if we could have stayed and browsed as long as we wanted . The process that takes us from one room to another is so well designed . I had not seen one like this in any butterfly palace . These butterflies don 't stand too much of chance to escape and fly free . Do you remember when we took you to the butterfly museum in Boulder ? I doubt it , you were pretty young . Grandma almost melted in that one . Thats the one where I lost a lot of weight . . . Hee Hee . ( Get it . . . I melted ) . 72 : This was an amazing sight . People don 't get much of a chance to have one land on their nose and someone be there with a camera . This is an amazing shot , if I do say so myself . . . . . . you had to keep calling me to take a picture . . . . Did it tickle ? . . . . . Did you want to swat it off your nose because it made you itchy ? It 's one of my favorite pictures . This is the best butterfly palace I 've ever seen . | POP QUIZ . . . . . How many of these little red dishes were there in that room ? | We can 't forget that we also went to the Titanic exhibition . . . I 'll say . . . it was an educational experience . Remember the decks at the end of the exhibit ? The had the degrees that the people felt on the shop as it went done . Very chilling . We all had characters that survived . 73 : Well . . . OK then . . . for extra credit . . . . how many butterflies in there ? | We really did have a good reason that we couldn 't stay . . . you can tell your story now Jessica , or just let them read on . . . . | Another place I forgot to mention is the toy museum . That was interesting to us because those were the exact toys that we played with as kids . 78 : Some of these characters look like the actors , and some . . . not so much . . . Dan Blocker , Lorne Greene , and Michael Landon all starred in Bonanza . I loved that program , and still watch it on TV Land . The next one is Charlton Hesston in the Ten Commandments . That movie still plays on TCM once in a while . . . on the right is Robin Williams , he starred in Pan . I 'm sure you 've seen that movie haven 't you ? I thought it was pretty good . . . another movie he played in that is more recent is Mrs . Doubtfire . . . now that was so funny . . . You recognize the bottom one don 't you . . . all kids have watched that at one time or another . . . this is one of them that don 't look like the characters so much . . . I 'd say . . . unless this is a new look they have given them . . . . 82 : If I remember right , there were several libraries in that home upstairs , and down . Education was important to him , so was music . He had many friends who would arrive unannounced most of the time and stay not just overnight , but for weeks at a time . This was his bedroom it was upstairs in another wing , but this was an interesting night stand . It was a rotating book rack , that he built himself so he could have a choice of reading material to enjoy reading before he went to sleep at night . The kitchen was up to date , and served the purpose . There was more than one living room also . This one is on the first level . This is just one of the libraries . 83 : This page has just 4 of the many bedrooms in that house . He had one or 2 sisters living with him or maybe a niece or cousin . Each bedroom had their own source of heat because even though he had a furnace in the basement , there was no circulation system to get the heat from the basement to the upper floors . He tried several ways to get the heat up there , including leaving a door open from the basement space to the first floor , unfortunately , none of his ideas worked . The bedrooms were simple , and the closets were amazing . I say that because they were built in the most unusual places and unusual shapes . Some were like a tunnel and you could stand at the end . 85 : Typewriter that his secretary used every day he worked for the wealthy man . Dig the other one that hides inside the case . This one is used by the secretary who worked 5 days a week for him . I would imagine that he spent some time in there too , especially when he had a lot of company . This room was his office . I imagine he hid in here a lot when he had a lot of company . Here 's your fire extinguisher . I sure didn 't know they had extinguishers back then . The fish hanging on the wall is one that he caught himself and had it stuffed , he was so very proud of that fish , and he showed it off . The other 2 items above , are interesting too . One is that furnace that had no way to circulate the air . So , I 'd say that it was a useless furnace . The other one is a knob and tube electrical system . He was the only person in the entire area to have electricity . He was the one who first had the highway paved much for himself because the road was extremely rough due to it being dirt and the amount of rain MO gets . 87 : He had a unique way of letting guests know if they were welcome or not . Some of his regular guests lived quite a distance away , and often no invitation was sent , and no notice was given him that they were going to be arriving . So , if he didn 't want any company he would put this flag out in the yard . This told them in no uncertain terms , that they were not welcome at this time . There were no exceptions to that rule . You may remember this differently , so please let me know if I 'm wrong . Grandmas ' memory is not nearly as good as it used to be . This bed was very interesting . There were no beds this size or shaped like it either so he had to have it specially made for him , because he liked sleeping outside in the summer . This bed was unique and far ahead of its time . This is the view he had from the porch 89 : Here is your typical fainting couch . The women used to wear very tight corset 's back then , and I think that probably cut off their air supply and they 'd faint . I don 't know if that 's true , but it sounds good to me . Here is your typical fainting couch . The women used to wear very tight corset 's back then , and I think that probably cut off their air supply and they 'd faint . I don 't know if that 's true , but it sounds good to me . The piano was something in it 's day . I imagine that it was being played often by guests . There 's nothing like piano music . Some don 't appreciate that type of music but I do , it is so soothing . I wanted to take piano lessons so much , but I wasn 't able to . The other room is a game room . I find this intriguing because there was more than one game room , and there were a lot of nooks and crannies in that home . I could imagine myself wandering from room to room deciding which game I wanted to participate in or which conversation I wanted to join . That must have been a peaceful place to visit . The guests that did visit were wealthy also , or else , how could they visit for 2 or 3 weeks at a time . Now , you may be thinking " Where are the surprises ? " , sell they are to yet to come . I 've left a few hints in this album , but your anticipation will grow waiting for them . I will leave you with one more clue . |
All The raincrows ' warning rode upon a chill wind down the Kentucky mountainside to Katelin Stone that Indian Summer day . The rain would come , and her world as she knew it would end . There would be a new beginning for her . Her mother 's death sets into motion the events that become her hell . Her father 's surprise marriage brings into their home a calculating and money - grabbing woman and her troubled teenage son , who terrorizes Katelin with vicious attacks and cold - bloodied threats that force her to forsake Walter , her true love , and at sixteen to marry a man she hardly knows . The sun had long set , and night lay over the valley when Katelin tiptoed down the dark stairs to the closed door of her father 's room . She lay her ear against the door , listening . Though she heard nothing , she doubted he was asleep . Neither of them had slept the night before , after her mother 's funeral . She and her father had come home to a house that was empty and eerily cold , and when it grew dark , they sat in unlighted rooms , alone with their grief . She hurried on to the tool shed at the back of the house and pulled open the door . Rusted hinges squealed . Something like an empty bucket fell , making a terrible racket and setting off the neighbor 's dog . She ducked inside and kept still until the dog quieted and she felt certain her father was not coming out to see what the noise was about , then she felt along a shelf and found a box of matches and the railroad lantern . She shook it to see how much kerosene was inside . It sounded almost full . She gathered up a crowbar and shovel , and set out for the cemetery south of town . Hours later , she returned home , her face , coat , and shoes covered with dirt and clumps of clay - like mud . The smell of it was in her nostrils . A hundred years of living could never take it away . She had failed . She found herself locked in some nightmarish hell and could not find a way out . She put the lantern and tools back in the shed and entered the house through the kitchen 's back door . As she eased the door to and turned , her breath caught . There , in the dark , sitting at the table and facing the door was the figure of her father . Her insides trembled so hard she felt like she would break to pieces . She could never tell him what he was asking . " I . . . I was walking . Just w . . . walking . " " I . . . I 'm not lying , father . I couldn 't sleep and went walking . " The way he looked at her , she just wanted to die . She never wanted ever to lie to him , but she had to this time . She took off her coat and dropped it on the chair next to him . " Get cleaned up and go to bed . And don 't come out of your room until you think you can speak the truth . I don 't care when that may be . " Maybe she had . Gone plum crazy . She hadn 't even told Walter what she had planned to do for fear of what he would think . Tears welled up in her eyes . All the pain in her seemed to be fighting to find a way out . She stood there , unconsciously pumping the pump 's handle as hard as she could , fighting not to let go and cry , but at the same time wanting to rid herself of her agony more than anything . She looked at the water spilling over the sides of the wash pan , then let out a screaming sob as she slid to the floor . " Oh , father , " she cried , " I can 't . I don 't know what 's wrong with me . I couldn 't bear knowing Mother was all alone . . . there at the cemetery . " Jeremy let out an agonizing cry that ripped through her . He drew her back into his arms , telling her over and over that it was all right . He began to pray in Tsalagi , the way he had when he left to go bury Baby Angela just hours before her mother died , and now as then , Katelin felt his soul was on the edge of hell , as hers had been for days , and most assuredly his , too . When he finished his prayer , he gathered her in his arms and carried her to a chair at the table , then bathed her face and hands with a cool cloth . She stared at the front of his shirt , all stained from where her tears had mixed with the dirt on her face . She would soak it in lye soap , like she had her dress . " No , Father ! Please don 't tell anybody about this . I 'm really all right now . I don 't know how , but . . . I understood what you said in Tsalagi . Not the words exactly , but I understood just the same . I know now that they 're together ; Mother is holding Baby Angela in her arms . " Katelin , sitting at the kitchen table , looked toward the sitting room doorway . She could hear him wondering around , walking the floor , breathing out heavy breaths , like he was trying to rid himself of his anguish . The kitchen had become her place of comfort . Here , she felt closer to her mother than anywhere in the empty house . She could close her eyes and see her ; cooking , baking , ironing , and she could hear her voice , talking to her as she did homework or sketched a new design in her sketchbook . The table was where they unrolled the butcher paper Grace had given her for making patterns , and where Katelin 's mother had taught her how to translate a sketch into a pattern , then showed her how to put it together . Katelin picked up her sketchbook from in front of her . There wasn 't a blank page in it , and all were filled with sketches , clothes she had designed , even detailed fabric prints . She leafed through the first few pages , then the last ones , pleased with the improvement she had made over the past year . She closed the book and let it fall open , not surprised at the page it opened to . The day after her mother died , Katelin found the book laying on the floor beside her mother 's chair opened to that very page , the page where her mother had written the same words she had said to her while they waited for Doctor Broadus . " Katelin , don 't disappoint God and most of all don 't disappoint yourself . Hold onto your dreams . " Her mother knew she was going to die , that 's why she told her those things . If Katelin believed anything , she believed that . The edge of the day crept through the windows , darkening the kitchen , the tick - tock of the clock on a wall shelf near the cook stove the only sound . She couldn 't hear her father anymore . She should be doing her homework , or trying her hand at cooking up supper for him , not that he would eat . An apple worm ate more then he did these days , and she doubted either one of them could choke down anything she might cook , since she didn 't know the first thing about cooking . The closest she ever got to the wood - burning cook stove was where she set the basket of wood . Her mother wanted her to study , sew , draw new designs , said there would be plenty of time for her to learn how to cook . One time the Hudson 's daughter , Rachel Bowling , Nathan 's mother , came with them . Katelin had been so taken by the dress Rachel was wearing she supposed she forgot her manners and stared . She had seen that very same bias - cut dress , a Vionnet , in the Vogue magazine . The body - clinging crepe de chine was the French designer 's chief hallmark , and Katelin had to say that Mrs . Bowling did the dress proud . Katelin doubted it was her staring that made Rachel appear uncomfortable , but rather supposed it was being in their small house that wasn 't decorated with all the fancy fineries as the Bowling 's home must be . The Bowling 's home was a Queen Anne Victorian - style house on Maple Street , behind the courthouse . The lawn took up most of the block , and the grass stayed green even when it never rained for weeks , and there never was a leaf or a twig on it . Katelin had thought of telling Mrs . Bowling about Nathan drowning the kittens , but decided against it . In the short time the woman was there Katelin decided she liked her about as much as she did Nathan . Katelin struck a match and lit the lamp on the table . Walter should be there any minute . He was at the store working , but as soon as he finished , he would come over , as he did every night , always trying to cheer her up or just sitting quietly and listening to her , comforting her . She closed her sketchbook and pulled her school books in front of her , stared at them , then with a quick shove , knocked them to the floor . School didn 't matter anymore . Nothing mattered anymore . She laid her head on her folded arms and closed her eyes to the emptiness of the kitchen without her mother . He looked at the books on the floor , then moved to a chair beside her and sat . He leaned forward and clasped his hands on the table . " Andy Fowler finished up the house today . I 've been thinking it 'd be best if we moved out there come Satur - - - " " I know how you feel , but can 't you see that would be the best thing for us ? I loved your mother more than anything in this world . Just like you . Living here , reliving the memories we had here - day after day . . . . " His eyes swept over the room . " I see her everywhere , hear her voice , her laughter . " " Then it seems to me you wouldn 't want to be leaving here . I was born , " she glanced toward the sitting room , " right in there . All those years of memories right here , and you want to leave ' em behind . I won 't leave this house . " " You 're getting a mighty sharp tongue on you these days . Not one I mind to listen to . I do what I see as being best . . . for both of us . Memories are carried in ones heart . They 'll always be with you no matter where you are . We 're moving Saturday . " He rose , picked up her books and put them on the table . " You done your homework ? " " Walter 's going to help me . " That wasn 't exactly a lie , not if he did help her , even just a little bit . At that moment , she hated herself . In all her fourteen years , she had never , ever lied to himB not until lately . And now she was being disrespectful , something she had promised her mother she would never do . What was wrong with her ? " Good , " he said , nodding , looking at the floor like he was thinking . " Walter 's a bright young man , a good head on his shoulders . " He looked back to her . " I saw him today at the store . He said you all was making plans for after he graduates high school . Asked me if he could marry you . " Katelin knew her face must be as red as the paisley handkerchief in the pocket of his striped coveralls he wore to work at the L & N round house . " You 're not mad ? I mean that I 'll be moving all the way up to New Yor - - - you did tell him he could , didn 't you ? " The corners of Jeremy 's eyes wrinkled up a little as he gave her a faint smile . It was good to see he still could . " After he said you were going to finish high school up there I told him I would think about it . " He looked away , somewhere distant . " I promised . . . your mother I 'd see to it you graduated . " He let out a long ragged breath . " I promised her a lot of things . " He turned and went back into the sitting room . Several minutes passed before Katelin took her eyes from the doorway . The new house on Cow Creek was really nice ; electric , a telephone , and two bathrooms , and running water . Her mother had said it was her dream home , and included her to help pick out paint colors and wall papers , the curtains , furniture and such . Still , she would rather have the memories here than all the modern day conveniences and things there . A knock on the door gave her a start . Who in the world would come around back instead of knocking on the front door ? Hesitantly , she got up to answer it . " Why , Miss Katelin , I 'm a guessin ' . Last time I saw you , you was no higher than a jack rabbit . Anyways , guess you don 't remember me , but I 'm Maggie Walker . " The woman 's dark eyes lit up , but she remained on the stoop . " You jus ' as kind and polite as yore mama , God rest her soul . " She dropped her head , her eyes all sad now . " I 'm a sympathisin ' fer you all , Miss Katelin . I got to be a gettin ' back . " She handed the pot to Katelin . " Jus ' some ham hocks and soup beans I cooked up fer you and Mister Jeremy . Would ' a made cornbread to go with it , but I worked late at Miss Rachel 's - - - I mean , Mrs . Bowling 's . I keep house for the family . " Rachel Bowling leaned from her chair , held back the green brocade curtain , and peered through the fogged - up window . The cold November afternoon held a haunting thick gray sky , low enough to touch . Winter was up to its old tricks again , giving no more than brief phantom glimpses of the wet russet street . For more than a month , since the day she mailed her letter to Damon , her worry mounted . She fidgeted with the lace collar of her white blouse , wondering why she had done such a stupid thing . Should the letter fall into the wrong hands , her life would be destroyed , her family devastated . Why put in writing the secret that had been hers alone for so many years ? Her stomach began to tie in the familiar knots . She let the curtain fall , then slid her hand over her Chanel jacket into the pocket of her pleated skirt and pulled out the letter she received from Damon two days ago . As she began reading , parts of words seemed to jump , and became lost , sentences came and went . Her eyesight was getting worse , and so were her headaches . Annoyed , she reached to the Tiffany lamp on the table beside her and switched it on . Though the additional light did little to help her vision , it brought a brilliant sparkle to the crystal dragonfly embedded in the green glass of the shade . Damon had sent her the lamp last year , all the way from New York for her thirty - first birthday . Rachel closed her eyes , leaned back , and pinched the bridge of her nose , trying to rid the twinge of another headache . She looked back to Damon 's letter , just noticing he had forgotten to date it . Not that it mattered . Dates and passage of time meant little to him , she thought , feeling the bite of bitterness . As a Marine , he was living a good life , traveling , seeing the world , free to love anyone he pleased , and pledging honor , loyalty , and service only to his country . She focused again on the letter . My Dear Rachel , I will arrive early afternoon November the twenty - second . This may be my last chance to see you for a very long time . I am being shipped on special assignment to Nicaragua . It seems things are not improving with Sandino as we had hoped . His army has taken over the American mines . Americans were killed . I am not at my regular post , can 't tell you where , but before I leave up here I 'll be stopping by headquarters to pick up mail and my official orders , Rachel let her head rest against the rich tapestry of the chair 's back , and clutching the letter to her chest , she thought back sixteen years to the day Damon ran off and joined the marines . He was twenty - one . She was sixteen , her wedding day , the day she married Tom . She had no choice but to marry him . Back then , Tom was so good to her then , kind and gentle . Hardly a day went by that he did not bring home some little trinket for her . She was so happy , believed Tom when he said he loved her , and she quickly grew to love him . Then Nathan was born and everything changed , changed horribly , living their lives with a passionate hate , like a festering boil . Rachel stiffened . So young , so stupid to even believe in love , she thought , and her eyes narrowed with hatred . She hated Tom , and she hated that part of her five - year - old daughter , Iwana , that was Tom . In Rachel 's kitchen Maggie Walker , the housekeeper , hurried about tidying up after seating Missy Iwana at the table with a bowl of chicken soup . For sixteen years , since the day Miss Rachel married Mister Tom , Maggie had been tending to their needs , cleaning and cooking . The job was not to her liking , but being colored and living in a small town , Maggie was happy to get the work . She saved every penny she could , to see to it that her sixteen - year - old daughter , Lizzie , would get an education and not have to follow in her footsteps . Maggie put two oatmeal cookies on Iwana 's plate , and took a quart bottle of milk from the refrigerator and filled her glass . She put the milk back in the refrigerator and went to the table . As she straightened one of the chairs , Nathan 's slingshot fell from the seat onto the floor . She squatted , and as she curled her fingers around the black rubber strap that spanned the fork , memories of her childhood flashed through her mind . Maggie never went to school . What learning she had came from her mother , who taught her to read and write from the Bible . She learned the facts of life from listening and watching the goings on at the River Club , the gathering spot for coloreds who wanted to drink , gamble , and have a good time . The River Club was on the west side of Reeds Crossing , within sight and earshot of the shanty Maggie then called home . Loud music , talking and laughter , drifted through the paper - thin walls of her bedroom . Night after night , she listened to her father 's laughing voice above the high - pitched giggles of his women . Maggie would kneel on her bed at the open window , and watch through tattered but clean curtains , the antics of the sinful lot . Seldom did a Sunday morning pass that Preacher Brown 's sermon did not end with the condemnation of the River Club , with its adulterers , coveters , and fornicators . The veins in his neck stood out , and he would shout with such might that white foam gathered at the corners of his mouth . Maggie didn 't have to ask the meaning of adulterer , or coveter , or fornicator . No , sir - ree . The words came out of his mouth with such a vile force , she knew they were terrible sins committed by a man and a woman who weren 't married to each other . Preacher Brown had a lot of lost flock at that River Club . Seemed like everybody was fornicating , adultering , and coveting . Maggie never told her mammy that she watched them , certainly not that she watched her pappy 's adulterous fornication . Once she got past the hurt of her father 's sins , she made a light - hearted game of revenge out of his infidelities . She kept her homemade slingshot and ammunition of small rocks hidden under her pillow . When she caught him fornicating in the shadows beneath the huge oak , she loaded the slingshot and fired . Her dead - eye aim always hit bulls - eye , his bare behind . The game ended just after she turned eleven , when her drunken pappy died in the big fire that burned the River Club to the ground . For months after , she found herself still looking out her window toward the burnt rubble and repeating her made - up eulogy she had almost forgotten . " Ashes to ashes , dust to dust , there you 'll stay forever in your place of lust . " The single chime of the grandfather clock in the sitting room struck sharply , breaking the chord of remembrance . " Seems like a hundred years ago , " Maggie mumbled and held on to the table 's edge , pulling herself to her feet . Even though she was only thirty - two , years of scrubbing floors had taken a toll . She figured she had spent most of her life on her knees , what with scrubbing and praying . Maggie straightened and smoothed her apron over her bosom and hips . As she turned she saw Iwana . " Why , Missy Iwana , you 're as quiet as a mouse . I clean forgot you was a sittin ' there , " she said , playfully tweaking the child 's upturned nose . Maggie carried the slingshot to the corner cupboard that sat near the door of the large walk - in pantry and laid it to rest along with her thoughts of the past . She picked up the brown paper bag that held her old shoes . " Don 't want to be forgettin ' to take these to the shoe shop , " she muttered . As she set the bag on the table beside Iwana , she drew back in happy amazement . " Why I declare , Missy Iwana , you done growed a mustache ! " Iwana laid the half - eaten cookie on the table and felt under her nose . " Where is it ? " Maggie took a napkin , wiped the milk from Iwana 's upper lip , and held it out . " Here it is ! " Maggie 's mood turned sour as she tromped from the kitchen , mumbling to herself . " Beats me , when I want time off , Miss Rachel don 't want it , and now I don 't want it and she does , and on a nasty day like this . Who in their right mind wants to be a trompin ' around out there ? She 's done got something up her sleeve . Ain 't no way she 's jus ' bein ' charitable . That woman ain 't ever charitable unless she 's a wantin ' somethin ' . " Maggie stopped at the sitting room doorway . Miss Rachel was in the chair by the window , had her head laid back like she was dreaming up something . " Miss Rachel , I 'm through with the kitchen cleanin ' now , so I guess I 'll leave , " she said , and walked on to the window beside Rachel 's chair . She pushed the curtain back , peered out , and shook her head disapprovingly . " Umm - mm - mm , sure does look nasty out there . If ' en a body didn 't know where they were a goin ' , they 'd sure get lost . " She let the curtain fall straight , then walked to the fireplace , grabbed up the poker , pushed and prodded the burning logs . " Miss Rachel , you sure you want me to take this afternoon off ? Thanksgivin 's tomorrow . I got mincemeat pies and a jam cake I need to be a bakin . ' Not much of a day to be gallivantin ' around . " Rachel crammed what looked to be an envelope in her jacket pocket . " No , no . I want you to hurry and go , and be back at four to finish dinner . You can bake whatever needs baking then . Remember . . . you wanted to get some new heels put on those Sunday shoes of yours , and you can spend some time with your friend Stella . " " Stella ? Stella 's gone , " Maggie said , with a wave of her hand . " She found her a man from Lexington . They up and got married . Yes ' um , he jus ' ups and wisk her away . Works a trainin ' those Thoroughbred horses . That 's what I need . " Rachel laughed . " A Thoroughbred ? " " I guess that would be better than what I got . . . a horse 's ass . " Maggie threw her hand over her mouth to cover her giggle , embarrassed and surprised at herself for saying " ass " . " Nah , Miss Rachel , to be wisk away . " " Yes ' um . I 'm goin ' . " That girl 's sure up to somethin ' , she thought , as she turned and headed back to the kitchen . Rachel waved her hand . " Don 't mind me , Maggie . I 've got another one of those headaches . I 'll take a an aspirin or a B . C . powder . Now go on . I 'll take her upstairs so things will be quiet for while . . . so I can lie down . Now go on . " Maggie went on to the kitchen , troubled by the way Miss Rachel was acting . Something had got her all worked up . Wasn 't like her to apologize for anything she said or done . Maybe her and Mister Tom had been at it again last night . Lord knows something bad had been going on with them for as long as she could remember . She had never seen Mister Tom hit Miss Rachel , but from the bruises Miss Rachel tried to hide from time to time , she suspected he did . Miss Rachel was too prideful a woman to ever say anything to anybody about that sort of goings on , not even to her own mother . Maggie supposed they had lived together for all these years with whatever it was that was between them , and they would probably take it with them to their graves . " No sir - ree , " Maggie muttered . Rachel didn 't want people to look down on her . Maggie took a step inside the walk - in pantry , yanked her coat from the hook by door , and reluctantly slipped into it . Just as she was about to snap up her pocketbook from the corner cupboard , a loud crash startled her . Iwana stood looking at the milk and broken glass on the floor , her hands clasped over her mouth , eyes big and fearful . Maggie laid her pocketbook down and went to picking up the glass . " No , she ain 't . It was a accident . We all have accidents . " Missy Iwana was right , Miss Rachel would be real mad . Seemed like little Iwana could do no right as far as Miss Rachel was concerned . She threw the glass in the trash can , and was sopping up the milk with a dishtowel when Rachel came in . " Looks like I done made a mess here , Miss Rachel . ' Bout all cleaned up now , though . Accidents , everybody has ' um , " Maggie said quickly . She tromped over to the cupboard , got her pocketbook , and went to the back door . She gave the doorknob a twist , wishing it were Rachel 's neck , and left . Nathan Bowling hid behind the thick trunk of an oak that grew between the sidewalk and street . He looked through the gray mist , past the black bars of the ornamental iron fence toward his house . The three - story Victorian house looked as cold as he felt . Water dripped from every irregular eave . He blew into his hands to warm them . That he could see , no one was about . He dashed from the tree and ran along the fence until he reached the driveway 's gate to the left of the house . He opened it only wide enough to get through . Just as he started off in a run down the puddle riddled driveway , a loud hollow clang sounded , startling him . He whipped around and looked toward the front gate at the end of the walk , seeing the gate striking against its latch , no one leaving or coming in . He hurried on to the carriage house , actually the garage , but his mother called it a carriage house , as the house was built back when there weren 't any cars , and horses pulled carriages , sort of a historical thing . Things like that were important to her , but to him , it made no difference . The building was a good place to hide and get out of the wet and cold , at least until school let out . He slid the heavy wood door aside enough to squeeze through , then rested against the damp boards near the door 's opening , every now and then peeking out toward the back of his house to see if anyone was around . Skipping school wasn 't any big deal anymore . His teachers and the principal at Reeds Crossing High were probably happy he wasn 't there ; gave them a rest . He knew they tolerated him only because of his family name . Being Tom Bowling 's son and Frank Hudson 's grandson did have its advantages . They were important names in Reeds Crossing - - - big shots with a ton of money . With a feeling of importance , Nathan straightened up tall . He took off his wet newsboy cap , smoothed his course dark hair , and peeked out again . Even if his mother caught him , no big deal . Her scoldings always ended with rewards rather than punishment . But if his father found out , he would give him a good tongue - lashing , tell him what a no account he was , that he would never amount to anything . " Get out of my sight , " he would always say . " You aren 't my son . No son of mime would do that . " Nathan cleared his throat and slapped his cap back on , wishing he was not Tom 's son . He tried to remember ever getting a kind word from him , a smile , a hug , but came up empty . Had he done some horrible thing when he was little , too little to remember , that made his father hate him ? His father did love his little sister , Iwana . That was fine with him , since his mother treated her the way his father treated him . Iwana needed the love more than he did . He smiled . She was such a cute , sweet kid . Maybe he would sneak inside and play her favorite game with her , Red Rover . They would have to be quiet though . He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the cigarette he had bought from Clem for a nickel . " Goddamn robbery , " he muttered , while striking a match against a raw board . He drew deeply on the cigarette , inhaling the sulfur from the match , snuffing out the flame . Most all of his friends were poor and tried to snooker him out of his money any way they could , not that he cared that much . He had plenty . His mother saw to that . Money and dare - devil ways made him the leader of his crowd . He would take on any dare they could think up ; like Clem 's dare yesterday , to steal cigarettes from McCormick 's store . He did it , had five packs to prove it . Then , this morning they turned up missing . He slammed his fist into the wall . " Maggie must have found them . That damn nigger , I 'll fix her , " he said , the cigarette dangling from his lips . He pinched the stub between his forefinger and thumb and inhaled deeply , the fire racing down the paper , burning his finger . He snatched the butt from his mouth and flicked it outside to the wet ground , then rammed his hand in his coat pocket and pulled out a small square of folded white paper , careful not to get any of the itching powder on his hands . There was only a little left after he dusted Mr . Cole 's arithmetic book with it this morning . Remembering the old man scratching for all he was worth , Nathan let out a laugh . The class loved him , got them out of arithmetic . He put the packet back in his pocket , took a look outside and to the back door , then skulked his way to the house and up the steps to the landing beneath the stoop . Before going in , he peeked through the first window in the long row . Good , no one was there . He tiptoed inside , and as he gently closed the door behind him , the front doorbell rang . Curious as to who the visitor could be , he moved to the doorway between the kitchen and sitting room , keeping out of sight . He heard his mother 's footsteps on the wood floor . |
" Gunmen coordinated attacks on 26 major cities worldwide , killing more than 5 , 000 people , with most casualties in Paris and New York . Followers of the Children of Abraham are suspected of being responsible , although their leader has strongly denied any involvement . Police forces throughout the world are on high alert in anticipation of more attacks . " The border control agency in Texas has stepped up its patrols and has adopted a shoot to kill policy against Mexicans illegally crossing the border . This decision was made after Mexican gangs had raided several farms near the border . In the last seven days 50 farmers have been killed during these raids . " Yes , hello . I am here at the Square and the atmosphere is electric . I can hardly hear myself speak . There are thousands of Children of Abraham gathered here . The crowd has been waiting here for hours in anticipation of their charismatic leader Simon Waltz , who is about to give his keynote speech . Yesterday he announced he had a very important message from God . Ah , here he is - " Hearing Simon 's name made Rick Favier and Paul Jenkinson feel uneasy and they were about to see him again . Simon meant trouble , and especially to Rick and Paul . An excited crowd filled the Square , thousands of hands and arms reaching out to the sky , frenzied , as if they wanted to grab the stars and pull them down . Placards were being waved with ferocity above the crowd , and the air seemed turbulent and strong enough to tumble trees . The scene created the illusion of an angry , stormy sea , the waves threatening to drown the empty stage . " I don 't like this . Those lunatics sound very angry , " Rick said . " I 'm scared they 'll come for us tonight . They 're so close . Why do they always try to attack us ? I 'm fed up with him blaming me in every interview , as if I made it happen . I know Simon is going to blame me again for everything , as soon as he opens that big mouth of his . It 's bloody sickening ! " " Relax . The police are outside protecting us . " Paul grabbed his hand and pulled Rick towards him , giving him a gentle hug and a soft kiss on his cheek . " Besides , if they knew we lived here , they would 've come for us already . And I 'm here to protect you . I love you . And I won 't let anything happen to you . " The reporter , Anne Goodman , estimated around 20 , 000 people had congregated in the square . Her voice was barely audible over the chanting and shouting crowd . They held placards , explicitly warning people they would burn in Hell unless they repented and became Children of Abraham . The camera panned to the main stage and a man came into view . A colossal cheer and applause ensued , the crowd seemed to go berserk at his arrival . They knew who he was : the charismatic Simon Waltz , their spiritual leader , their Saviour , their Second Coming . His long , blond hair waved in the light breeze , giving him the same Jesus - like appearance that Michelangelo had painted in The Last Supper . His hypnotic blue eyes pierced straight through the camera . Was there a knowing smile on his face ? His attention shifted to the crowd as he walked up to the front of the stage , his pristine white robe flowing , giving the impression he was floating . The winter cold seemed not to bother him . He stared into the crowd , his eyes scanning the Square . A big grin appeared on his face . Clouds in the sky partially obscured the moon ; the dim light gave his face an eerie and haunted look . " Silence ! " Simon said . " Children of Abraham . Look into the sky . I can see God 's anger . I do not need heathen instruments to see him , I have faith . God is angry and Armageddon is upon us . Look up and see him for yourself - Can you see Him ? " " Silence - You all know that heathen faggot Rick Favier , " Simon said , his voice low and full of disgust . " This abomination is the one who tipped the balance . He is the one who changed God from loving man to God hating man . He was chosen by God and given the sign in the sky to warn us , but he had the audacity to deny God and deny the existence of God 's sign . Because of him we all have to face the consequences . He , and the other deniers , must suffer the consequences soon . " Simon paused . He pointed towards the Houses of Parliament and faced the crowd again , grimacing now , his eyes burning in their sockets with anger . " Children of Abraham . I stand here before you in these troubled times . Armageddon is approaching . We have six months left to make every soul on God 's Earth see the light and repent . And Britain has become a filthy , godless country and you all know who 's responsible for this . A godless Government rules us and tells us we cannot spread our gospel . It is time to show them we will not take their oppression anymore . It is time to take control . It is time to tell them they are not in charge anymore . Children of Abraham : you know what to do . The time is now ! " Simon walked towards the edge of the stage . As he walked down the steps , the crowd parted in front of him like the Red Sea parting before Moses . These were biblical times indeed . With an almost invisible hand gesture the crowd was given a sign , and as one Simon 's followers moved towards the hundreds of police officers cordoning off the Square . Rick and Paul looked in horror as they saw the police being overrun and beaten up by the angry mob who were now heading towards Parliament . What they didn 't see was a group of around 50 men going in a different direction - into their street . " This isn 't happening . This is not how I want to spend the last months of my life . I need to be with my wife and kids , " Shaw cried ; wide eyed and ashen . Thompson looked at him , " Stay calm , they are lunatics , a minority . We 're safe here . It 's not the end of the world for us . " He almost added the word yet , but knew the realisation would make Shaw even more frightened . They had been stationed outside the entrance to the flat and had been ordered to stay there no matter what was happening elsewhere . Thompson struggled though : hearing the cries for help from their colleagues on the Square made him want to run off and help them . He became aware of shouting at the end of the street . He looked towards the noise and saw a group of men running towards them . " This isn 't good , grab your gun , " he said , praying he would get through to the police station when he took his radio out . " HQ . This is Thompson . There 's a crowd running towards us . I need back - up now ! We 're going to retreat inside the building . " He hoped there were officers nearby to help them . Shaw had already opened the main entrance and was shouting at him . One last look down the street made him shiver : the group of men were less than 20 metres away . A hand gripped his arm and before he realised he was inside the building . Frantically they barricaded the door . Just in time . The crowd was shouting outside . Kicks juddered the door : there was no way the barricade would hold . Running up the stairs , they heard the noises grow louder . On the top floor , outside the entrance to Rick and Paul 's flat , Shaw started banging on the door , and shouting , to get their attention . When he heard Paul 's voice behind the door , Shaw told him to barricade the door and wait for further instructions . When he heard a loud cracking noise , Thompson looked down the stairs , and he watched in horror as he saw the door cave in and an angry mob push through . He saw them kick in the doors to the downstairs apartments and he heard a woman scream as the men ran in . Thompson imagined the woman being attacked and probably killed . He saw other men running up to the next floors , also kicking in doors and entering apartments . The screams made his stomach turn . He knew in a few moments the men would be up here and confront him and Shaw . " They 're almost here , " Thompson said , taking out his gun and checking the safety was off . " Shoot as many as you can . And Shaw - you 're not only the best colleague I 've worked with , but it 's also been a privilege to call you my friend . " Tears ran down Thompson 's face . He did not want his life to end like this , but as he heard the approaching men , now less than ten steps away , he knew he was never going to see his wife again . Fists punched him in his face and chest . A sharp pain in his stomach : someone had stabbed him with a knife . He was on the floor . Someone took his gun out of his hand . Thompson closed his eyes and imagined sitting with his wife . He looked into her brown eyes and smelt her perfume . She was laughing . In the distance he heard his own gun fire . Rick felt real terror . " I hate this . Why are they coming for me ? I didn 't cause this . It 's not my fault . Fuck . I really don 't want to die . " Rick tried to barricade the door , as they had practised many times , though his hands were shaking too much this time . After they put their shoes and coats on , Paul picked up their emergency rucksacks and took out their knives and pepper spray . They waited . Rick listened to the growing noises outside their front door , the shrieks and gunshots frightening him . He thought of his mum , he needed to call her and tell her he loved her and that she shouldn 't worry . He imagined she was holding him , stroking his hair , telling him everything would be fine . He wished he was a child again ; he missed how simple the world had been then . The commotion outside the door returned him to reality ; he had no time to make that call . She would have to wait until this was over . He heard screams , shrill and high pitched , like pigs being slaughtered . He almost vomited . Paul had his phone pressed to his ear , talking to their friend Martin , who had helped them many times before out of sticky situations . Rick could not hear the whole conversation , but knew Martin would send help . A cracking noise came from the downstairs corridor and straight after he heard men cheering . " Shit . Paul , they 're in . Get out ! " Rick ran out onto the terrace , into the cold , pulling Paul with him , who was shouting into his phone now . " This is it . I hate those fucking lunatics , " Rick said , locking the terrace door from the outside . Paul looked at him , putting his phone down . " Me too . We 'll be fine , they 're on their way to help us . I love you . " " And I love you too , " Rick said and looked at Paul . They kissed each other quickly . Noises from inside made them turn their heads : their living room was full of angry looking men . One of them stepped forward , pointed a gun at them , and shot a bullet through the window , shattering the glass . The bullet missed them . Paul and Rick pepper - sprayed the men who were trying to get onto the terrace through the broken window , then they turned away and ran down the fire escape , the men close behind them . Paul and Rick ran down the remaining four floors as fast as they could . A dozen police officers passed them , going up . Several shots were fired and the noise was deafening . Rick felt a bullet fly past his ear . When they reached street level , an officer bundled them into a police van , which sped off , away from the danger . Shaking with fear , Rick noticed he had pissed himself . " I think we need to go to the hospital , " a pale Paul said , holding his left leg . Both looked at a spreading red patch on his trousers . Blood dripped on the floor . A few seconds later , Paul had lost all colour in his face and fainted . " The last few days have been gloriously hot and sunny . Temperatures reached the high twenties and we expect the same weather for next week . Tonight there will be clear skies , with a slight south - westerly breeze , making it feel slightly cooler . Minimum temperature will be around 17 degrees Centigrade , or 66 Fahrenheit . Sunset is at a quarter past nine and sunrise will be at five . " Rick had not felt in such a good mood for a very long time ; this morning , after Paul had left for Paris to attend meetings , he had found a big package in the living room , with a note attached . Have fun tonight . I love you , Paul . Inside the carefully wrapped box was a telescope , which had taken him most of the day to set up ; the accompanying manual was thicker than a telephone book , but he managed and soon the sun would set and then he would be looking at planets and stars . He was pleased Paul had left him this present , but he was also glad Paul had gone away for work : there would be no interruptions . Even the best loving relationships required alone time sometimes . Rick had dug up his old charts of the constellations , and now all of them were spread out on the living room floor . His laptop displayed pages explaining where to look for planets , and his telescope stood ready on the terrace . All he had to do now was to wait for the sun to go down . Rick was only 40 and already a cancer survivor . He had endured a nine month struggle of chemotherapy , radiation therapy and surgery to get rid of the damn disease . After a long recovery he had become depressed , and became addicted to the morphine intended for his physical pain , and to the anti - depressants for his mental pain . He had been unable to lose the nagging guilty feeling of having survived the cancer . The sick leave from his government post turned into leave of absence and Rick realised he would never return to his job . And he had found more reasons for feeling low : he had let Paul down , but also his best friends Isadora and Martin , whom he had known since university ; all had offered their support , but he had rejected all help . Rick had tried to convince himself he was having a midlife crisis when he also started drinking , but he knew he had found just another excuse for his bad behaviour . Rick had taken a long time , but he had managed to beat his depression and drug addictions , and his drinking was down to a level where he would enjoy a few glasses , but not end up legless . Recently he started to feel focused and happier again . Astronomy would help him recover faster . Thank you Paul . The sun had disappeared below the horizon . Rick poured himself a whisky and went out onto the terrace to his new telescope . The radio played classical music in the background and made him feel very content ; he had not felt this way for a long time . He smiled as he took a sip of his whisky and looked around the dark sky . " A toast " , he said . " A toast to all the stars in the sky . May we have a long and happy relationship . " Rick thought of Paul , and he took out his mobile phone to call him , but realised Paul would be with his colleagues , so he messaged him instead , thanking him again for his present and wishing him a good night and good luck for tomorrow 's meetings . The evening sky looked dark enough and Rick decided he was ready to start . He looked into the telescope to gaze at the stars . " Hm , I can 't see a thing . " He frowned , still talking to himself . " It 's all black . Let 's move it around a bit . " Wow ! Rick couldn 't believe his luck when he saw his first stars , all of them looked so sharp and bright . He scanned the sky and felt more amazed when the full moon came into view . The sight was breath - taking : the bright white light almost hurt his eyes . He loved seeing the details on the craters . Rick felt very excited : he wanted to see more . Everything ! " Okay , okay , okay , let 's find Mars , " he said , as he walked over to his laptop , with the displayed page to guide him through the sky . After several attempts , one toilet break and another whisky , Rick finally found Mars . Actually , Mars found him , and he couldn 't believe how bright and red this beautiful globe was . " He - he , I am such a geek , " he said out loud , sheer joy on his face and feeling as happy as a child who was running around in a sweet shop without adult supervision . Rick decided to look for the big three summer constellations which should be easy to find in the July night sky . He had read on the internet that the key was to locate Ursa Major - also known as the Great Bear , or the Big Dipper . after a few clumsy shots he identified the seven stars . Next up was Ursa Minor : known as the Little Dipper , so he could find Draco and the North Star . Rick had difficulty finding Hercules , even though being one of the largest constellations ; there were too many faint stars . " All right then , no Hercules tonight . Next up is Ophiuchus . Let 's see if I can catch that snake bearer . " Rick adjusted his telescope : pointing at Antares ; Ophiuchus would be situated north . Containing the second closest star to Earth , Ophiuchus could prove to be a most interesting constellation . Rick took another sip from his whisky , but noticed his glass was empty . " A refill my friend . And then some more star gazing . " Isadora Silva looked around her gallery . She loved being alone in the evening when there were no distractions ; just her and beautiful paintings . She had organised an exhibition for a new up - and - coming artist , Conny . 20 great looking paintings were hung on the newly painted pristine white walls and Isadora was confident she would sell at least half of them on tomorrow 's opening day ; not often had she had this much interest in an exhibition . Isadora felt very proud of the work she had done in the last few weeks . And the preparations had been a good diversion after her separation . From upstairs she heard her dog barking . " Sally , " she said , " come down darling , don 't wake up the kids , I 'll take you for a walk . " Isadora enjoyed walking her dog , around her neighbourhood in East London . Her street was quiet tonight , but tomorrow , with the flower market on , would be buzzing with the tradesmen selling their flowers and the many visiting tourists . She hoped her gallery would also be busy . Sally had run down the stairs , so Isadora could put the leash on . " Come on then , let 's go . " She noticed the warm night , but a slight breeze stopped the air from getting sultry . She looked at the clear sky and saw the stars and the moon . Isadora thought of Rick and remembered how excited he had sounded when he had called her earlier to tell her about his telescope . She realised it was quite late , but she knew Rick well enough to figure out he would be up till dawn tonight ; so she decided to send him a text message . So mister . How 's your new toy ? You discovered any new stars yet ? Will you have a star named after you and will you become my most famous friend ? Sally woofs hello ! X Isadora . She let Sally run free at the local park , so she would be tired later and wouldn 't wake Isadora too early in the morning . Isadora 's phone buzzed . Having a fab time ! No new discoveries made yet , LOL , but night still young . Wish you were here , it 's beautiful ! X Rick . Sally ran back to Isadora and sat at her feet : she was done running around . " Oh come on then , let 's go home . " Isadora said , putting the leash back around her neck . Noticing the time ; she hurried home , wishing she was already in bed . Before she turned in herself , she checked up on her sleeping children . No , no , no , this can 't be . This isn 't right , Rick thought , looking through his telescope at the Ophiuchus constellation . Tonight started off so well , but had he broken his telescope already ? No , something else had to be wrong . Let me double check . He became so excited that he spoke out loud to himself . " Okay , don 't fail me now internet . " He looked at his laptop screen , comparing the image there with what he saw through his telescope and they did not match . " Oh buggery bollocks ! " Isadora woke up from her telephone ringing . Oh God , who could this be ? She switched on her night light and looked at her phone : Rick . Why on earth would he be calling now ? Reluctant , but worried , she picked up the phone . " Hey , what 's going on ? You all right ? " " No , I 'm not , " Rick shouted through the phone . " No , yes I am , well , I don 't really know . I think I found something . I 'm not sure , but I think it 's quite big . " " Oh , yes , I see . Sorry about that . I tried Paul , but his phone 's not on . I really need to tell someone . I 'm excited and scared at the same time . I think I 've discovered something . I think I saw something was missing in the sky . Well , it 's hard to explain , but I was looking at this constellation and then I saw that this big star in it was missing . " " I - I , looked at this star , well at the place in the sky where it 's supposed to be , but it 's not there , the sky is black there . I compared it with pictures that were taken in that region , from different sources and it all checks out . There should be a star there . I 'm quite baffled and don 't know what to do . " " I don 't know what it means to be honest , but maybe you 've discovered something important . You should let others know of your discovery , have other people check it . Email all the people from your work , and Martin too , " Isadora answered , wanting to go back to sleep . " Hey , let me and the kids come over to you tomorrow after I close the gallery . We 'll fire up the barbecue and have a look through your telescope and you 'll explain everything . And get some rest . I need some . " " Oh yes , I forgot , you have the opening tomorrow . Good luck . And for us , I 'll get burgers and beers . Night - night . " Isadora had not seen Rick for a few weeks and she missed him . Tomorrow would be a good chance to catch up and for the kids to see their only English uncle again . Her youngest , Karen , had just turned 13 and would love to look at the stars : she was a science buff . And Thomas , her eldest , 17 , who was born autistic , would hopefully be happy watching the sports on television . Isadora had taken a few years to realise that Thomas was different , and the problems he had caused had created a lot of stress in her marriage . Her husband had rejected Thomas for years and he kept on reminding her Thomas was not his child anyway . He did grow to love Thomas later and even ended up adopting him , but that had happened before their marriage had started to fail . She hoped Thomas would behave tomorrow , because he was very unpredictable : sort of a hit and miss , although he behaved himself most times when around Rick . She needed to stop worrying and go to sleep . She kissed Sally and switched off her light . Cleaning his place had kept Rick busy all afternoon , not that the flat was dirty , but messy : dishes were everywhere , and all over the place was clean laundry : ready to be ironed and folded . After he finished clearing up , he checked his emails . Last night , before going to bed , he had followed Isadora 's advice and sent out an email . Already he received replies from former colleagues and astronomers : his email had been forwarded to many people . He realised he had become an on - line sensation when he read the dozens of messages sent to him . There was a real buzz on scientific boards . Other astronomers confirmed his findings and they speculated what could have happened . Many suggested Rick should send his findings to NASA and ESA for verification . He hurried writing the request to both space agencies , as Isadora and the kids would be arriving soon . Today 's weather was great : hot with a clear blue sky , and tonight would be the same , so he should have no problem showing them his discovery . Karen certainly would be interested . Rick was busy preparing the barbecue when his phone rang . Paul 's voice was on the other side . " Hey , how are you ? Everything okay ? I got your message after my meetings finished . I 'm a bit pissed off that I had to work on a Sunday , but hey , I get to be in Paris . So tell me all about it . " " Only blackness where a star 's supposed to be . First I thought the telescope was broken , but the other stars were still there . All very strange . So I emailed people and , officially , I made a discovery . " " Your evening will be better than mine . I 'm spending it with boring bankers . Give my love to Isadora and the kids . And baby , I can 't wait to see you tomorrow and your discovery . I love you . " Rick checked his emails again , but there was no reply from either NASA or ESA yet . The boards on the internet were very busy though ; people from various countries verified his findings and some of them posted before and after pictures , clearly showing the missing star . Identified as : Beta Ophiuchi , also known as Cebalrai . Rick wrote several thank you messages for all the compliments he had received . Around seven o ' clock Isadora , Karen and Thomas arrived . " Uncle Rick . You 're famous , " Karen yelled , as she walked in . She gave him a big hug . " I 've been on the internet all day and everybody is talking about you . " " Yeah . We brought beer to celebrate . I 'll put them in the fridge and open a few of them now , " Thomas said , heading for the kitchen . Isadora waited her turn to say hello . She knew not to compete with teenagers for attention . " So tell me all . I was a bit sleepy when you called . " " It 's spinning right out of control . I 'm all over the internet now . My 15 minutes of fame have started . But tell me first , how did the opening go ? And - how are the kids coping with the separation ? " " No worries , we 've plenty of time , mate , " Rick said . He smiled when he thought how Thomas used words like mate when he felt comfortable and happy . There should be no problems tonight . Isadora was impressed . " I can 't believe that on your first night you already made a discovery like that . You have any idea what this means ? What do people say about this ? " " Well , " Rick said , " they don 't really understand it either . Some say for a star to disappear , it would 've been a super nova , but others believe that would have been picked up by the whole astronomy world , as they are quite rare and this star is close enough to Earth to light up the sky when that happens . So basically people are baffled by this . I know I am . " " I 'm not sure . I wrote to several space agencies to have it verified , but I haven 't heard back from them yet . They have massively strong telescopes and can see things better than I can . Anyway , maybe I 'll get a mention in Scientist Monthly and that 'll be the end of my fame . " " Well , let 's drink to that , " Isadora laughed , and raised her bottle . " To Rick , getting a mention and a Nobel Prize too . And now , let 's eat , I 'm starving after my busy day . " Isadora sat in front of the laptop , reading up on Rick 's discovery on various forums . " Hey Rick , there 's some guy on the forum who claims to be from NASA . He wrote you should check your emails . Can I have a look ? " " It starts pretty standard . They thank you for your email , blah , blah , blah , oh , here it is : After receiving many more emails , including pictures of the region , we have decided to allocate resources to investigate your findings . As soon as we can verify your findings we will give you full credit for this discovery . And then it goes on about legal stuff and also requests to various other people to investigate this too . It 's a very long email . You 'll need to read this yourself . But , hey , this is great ! " " Yes it sure is . It 's going to be an exciting time . Let me give Paul a ring . He should have finished dinner by now . Karen , give me a minute and I 'll help you again setting up the telescope . " After dinner Karen couldn 't wait to have a look through the telescope . Rick showed Isadora and Karen pictures of what the constellation should look like , and pointed out the star that was missing . When Karen had all the information she needed to start , Rick let her try to find the stars herself . After a few minutes she told him she had the stars in her sight , but also that something was different again . " Uncle Rick , Mum , you should have a look at this . I think there 's another star missing . " Rick stared into his telescope and couldn 't believe what he was seeing . South - west from the first missing star : Beta Ophiuchi , another star was missing . He let Isadora look at the stars too and went to his laptop to figure out what name the star had . He told them this one was called Gamma Ophiuchi . Rick wondered what the meaning of all this was . He looked at the sky , which was now black , and with his naked eye he could see all the stars and the sky did not look any different from how it was supposed to look , but he knew something was wrong . He looked again at the constellation through his telescope . As he was looking at the bright sparkles , another star disappeared . This time he saw it happen . Black where white used to be . Black where white should be . He had no doubt now he was seeing something very peculiar and important happening . Rick felt alarmed and frightened . " Guys , another star has gone , that makes three . " " In July , British amateur astronomer Rick Favier discovered the star Beta Ophiuchi in the Ophiuchus constellation had gone missing . Upon receiving notification , NASA directed various telescopes towards the region and confirmed the findings . Within the next 24 hours the stars Gamma , and Mu Ophiuchi also disappeared from the constellation . Between Mr Favier 's discovery and the issue of this August press release , NASA confirms that 12 more stars have gone missing from this area . NASA does not know the origin , nor the cause of this phenomenon and is actively investigating its possible causes . NASA is aware of rumours about extra - terrestrial activity in this area , but observations have so far failed to establish any exoplanets capable of containing life , nor evidence of any extra - terrestrial activity in this region . In addition , NASA does not answer theological questions . " " Rick , you getting ready or what ? Martin just called , your car is almost here , " Paul shouted down the stairs . " You 've been in the bathroom for ages . " " I can 't get this fucking tie tied and my hair looks shit . And my beard is too scruffy . I look like a mad scientist , " shouted back Rick . " I need to cut my beard , can you tell him to wait ? " Rick stared at himself in the mirror : dark rings around his eyes . He was very nervous and tired , all night he had kept waking up . He noticed his hands were shaking . Okay , get a hold of yourself . Martin would be here soon and he could not arrive late at his own press - conference . Journalists from all over the world would be there and about a dozen television stations would be broadcasting the event live . Rick 's discovery had set many things in motion : everything humankind thought they knew about the universe had been proved wrong and now action had to be taken . Martin Germain , as the Cabinet Secretary , had been appointed by Prime Minister Christopher Marchant to be in charge of the Ophiuchus Task Force , an inter - departmental and inter - governmental advisory and executive body , analysing data and preparing for any eventuality . Martin had decided they needed a sympathetic face and spokesperson , and that person was going to be his good friend : so he had sent Rick an invitation to give a statement and answer questions at today 's press conference at 10 Downing Street . One evening , a few weeks ago , Rick 's doorbell had rung and Martin came in for a chat . They had known each other since university . Rick had studied physics and Martin politics . They had first met in a debating group , but because Martin was gay , and Rick was straight and dating Isadora , they had different interests and different lives , so they had only considered each other close acquaintances . After university they had lost contact , but ran into each other again when they both started working for the Government , Rick as a director of the Council for Science and Technology , and Martin as the Cabinet Secretary . By then Rick was gay too and they had been very good friends ever since . During the chat , Martin had explained that the Government had suspended due process and he was , by virtue of emergency legislation , authorised to appoint any scientist or specialist , and he had appointed Rick . In fact : the British Government had declared a state of emergency , but Rick had to keep that information to himself . Rick 's main job would be to keep the public informed with declassified information and keep the public happy and calm . That was , of course , if he would agree to do it . Rick initially protested : he was on sick - leave and did not feel ready to get back to being a professional , so how could Martin expect him to work for the Task Force ? Martin insisted though : it still hurt him having seen Rick fighting cancer and subsequently falling into his depression . He felt Rick would would be feeling much better after he started working again . Paul had agreed too . The following weeks Martin had come round regularly , coaching Rick on what to say to journalists and how to behave in front of a camera . A week before the press - conference , Martin had handed him the statement and additional information , so Rick could prepare himself . Martin also made him sign the Official Secrets Act . Whitehall was chaotic because of the mayhem the protesters caused , and outside 10 Downing Street the car almost could not drive through the crowd . A bewildered Rick looked out of the windows : hundreds of people had gathered on the road and many of them looked angry , waving their placards . Rick saw a scuffle between riot police , and what looked like men dressed as priests . The bizarre scene felt very surreal to him . As the car was waiting for the main gate to open , a tall man with long blond hair banged with his big fists on the windscreen , he made Rick jump . The man walked around the car to the door next to Rick . He pounded the window . " You 're scum . You 're hiding the truth . You should all die . The truth will come out . " Before Rick realised what was happening , the man had opened the door and was pulling him out . Rick felt a sudden pain in his left eye . The man had hit him . Rick could not understand why . The surprise attack left Rick paralysed for a moment . He looked at the man , his face was full of anger and his piercing blue eyes were open wide . " I recognise you . You discovered God 's sign , but you 're hiding the truth , just like them , " the man said , pointing at 10 Downing Street . " All of you should die . " " Are you okay ? " Martin asked . " I can 't believe we forgot to lock the doors . He sure was crazy , and fast . Blimey . Sorry I wasn 't quick enough to help . I 'll make sure he spends the night in a police cell . " " No problem . He caught us off - guard . He 's weird . Did you see his eyes ? Like an animal . And my eye is hurting . I 'll probably have a black eye soon , and for the whole world to see . That 's just great . " " Don 't worry . We have make - up artists . I 'll tell them to put an extra thick layer on your eye . Ah we 're here . - Rick , we have a lot to do and we 're on a tight schedule , " Martin said as they stepped out of the car , into the courtyard . " We 'll have to go through security first and straight to the press - conference . When we 've done that , we 'll drive up to Chequers , where you 'll meet the Prime Minister , a few Presidents and the rest of the Task Force . Come on , let 's do this . " Rick walked into a full and stuffy press room . Bright hot lights from the camera crews pointed at him . The prospect of facing the world and having to answer awkward questions made him feel nervous . And the extra information he had also received from Martin about the anomaly in Ophiuchus 's constellation made him nauseous . He felt he was not supposed to have been given that information . Maybe not yet ? Or at all ? But it was there , in the documents . He couldn 't figure out whether Martin had made a mistake , or had leaked the information . But Martin never made mistakes . Were they testing him ? He would not betray his best friend though , but what if the press would see through him , and figure out he was hiding something ? He felt awful . Martin instructed Rick to sit in the middle of the table and to read out the press release written by Martin , and only answer questions when prompted by Martin . Martin began the conference . He introduced himself and the other scientists , made a brief statement and finally introduced Rick . Rick 's eye hurt and his cheeks felt hot . Everyone in the room went silent and looked at him . Panicked , he glanced at Martin , who smiled at him and gave him a quick wink : indicating everything would be fine . " Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen . I am Rick Favier and the Prime Minister has asked me to give you information and the plan of action by our Government . As you all know by now , I was the first person to notice something had changed in the sky . Last month I observed the constellation Ophiuchus through my telescope , and I noticed a star had gone missing . I contacted various people in the Government and NASA to confirm my findings . The next evening another two stars had gone missing and my findings were confirmed by NASA . Between then and today , over a dozen stars ceased to be visible . " We are aware of the rumours and conspiracy theories regarding this discovery . This is one of the reasons why we organised this press conference : to provide you with accurate information . Our Government has decided to work together with the American , Chinese and Russian Governments to explore what could have caused this anomaly . " I can announce that in four hours from now a rocket will be launched from Russia . This rocket is different from any other ever launched . It carries no satellites , but the rocket itself is equipped with telescopes and devices to measure infrared , heat and radio activity . The rocket itself will be travelling at high speed towards the region and will be sending back pictures and readings . " As I mentioned before ; many rumours have been spread . They do not originate from us and we will not speculate , or theorise either . However , we can confirm this is not an act of God , nor is it the beginning of Armageddon . There is not a big alien ship coming our way . And no government on Earth has any type of weapon capable of extinguishing stars . This concludes our statement . Thank you very much . " Rick felt as if he had not been breathing for over an hour , speaking in public certainly was not his thing . He listened to the other scientists and the questions asked by the press . He was happy nobody seemed interested in him and he drifted off in his own mind , trying to calm down . All of a sudden he felt as if someone was trying to wake him up . Before he could continue Martin interrupted him . " Let me answer this . Mr Favier discovered the anomaly , a purely scientific discovery , that 's all . Nobody caused this . God did not cause this . In fact , it is certain not any of the over 3 , 000 existing gods have any involvement . This press conference has ended and we will not answer any more questions . Thank you ladies and gentlemen . On your way out you will receive our briefing pack . Goodbye . " The journey to Chequers would take them an hour . The increasing throbbing in his eye , the worrying new information in the documents , and the abrupt ending of the press conference had made Rick grumpy . Martin tried to lift his spirits by telling jokes and commenting on the classical music on the radio . He told Rick the press conference had gone better than he had expected and he didn 't need to worry about not acknowledging God ; the religious would be proved wrong very soon and that should shut them up once and for all . Martin was certain of that . Rick chose not to challenge Martin , or ask him about the leaked information : he did not want to start an argument . But , thanks to Martin , at the end of the journey , Rick did feel much happier . Rick was welcomed by the aroma of freshly made coffee when he entered the meeting room at Chequers . There were plenty of people inside , but Rick was not interested in talking to anyone : first he needed caffeine and something to eat . He caught sight of the table with the coffee and sandwiches and made his way , but someone grabbed him by the arm . When he turned to see who was holding him , he was stunned to find himself facing the President of the United States . " Ah Rick , you don 't mind if I call you Rick ? At these meetings you can call me by my first name . We all do around here . I 'm William , or Bill for short . " " I want to thank you for the fantastic job you did explaining our next step and for not divulging any classified information . I know under pressure one can make big mistakes . I know I have . Anyway , I see you 're on your way to the refreshments . Don 't let me keep you , the meeting starts in a few minutes . " Rick smiled , but he was puzzled by the President 's remark . Why had he mentioned the classified information ? Rick needed to find out what was going on . He gestured Martin to join him for a coffee . " Yes , I 'm happy we have them all together . It 's really important we get all the cooperation we can . There 's so much to do . " " The President is nice . He told me I could call him Bill . But he also told me something very interesting . " Rick hoped to see a reaction , but Martin showed no emotion . " How I kept my cool and didn 't divulge classified information . How come the American President said that ? What 's going on Martin ? Did you put those classified documents with my speech ? " " I 'm sorry . It wasn 't my idea . They wanted to test you . I objected , but without it , I wouldn 't be allowed to hire you . And I wanted you here , " Martin said . " I 'm glad I passed the test . But I 've been worried sick over this press - conference . I really thought I would screw up . Don 't ever do this to me again . " " Sure . I 'm a bit pissed off with you right now , but I 'll get over it . I need to use the bathroom before the meeting starts . " " I 'll see you in a moment , " Rick said and walked off . He felt let down by Martin and needed a moment alone , to avoid starting an argument . And he needed to call Paul . " Thanks , the statement was easy to read . I practised a few times before the conference . I was terribly embarrassed by that guy that asked me that God question though , " Rick said . Paul agreed . " Yes , he was bang out of order . I 'm not happy with this God label the gutter press tries to give to the anomaly . It makes people scared . Oh , and why do you have a black eye ? " " You noticed . Ugh , yes , my black eye , this guy punched me outside Downing Street , but I hit him back . He 'll be spending the night in a police cell . I 'm fine , don 't worry . Listen . I don 't have long , another meeting is about to start , and I can 't let the others wait for me . But , I have something important to tell you and you must keep it to yourself . The documents they gave me . It had confidential information added , because they wanted to test me , see if I could be trusted . Anyway , about that information - my statement was a lie . There is an object and it is coming towards us . " Since the discovery of the anomaly , over two dozen stars have gone missing in the constellation . It has now been confirmed that the anomaly is caused by an object . This object is between the stars and Earth : thus obscuring the stars . Observations so far have shown that the object appears to be a square and is thought to be around 50 by 50 kilometres , however the object might be cube shaped . Data received so far suggests no energy is emitted from the object ; there is also no evidence of a propulsion system . Simon Waltz reread the press release . The evidence was right in front of him ; he didn 't need more proof , even the authorities knew , though they were trying to hide the true meaning . They had even sent the Serpent Bearer to greet the thing . Oh , the irony . Was he really the only one who could see that the Cube was sent by God , and the serpent was hiding in there ? God was sending the Devil , who would descend on Earth and start Armageddon . He was certain of that . The blatant lies in this article annoyed him . He knew the object would arrive soon , in his lifetime even . He could feel its presence in the sky right now . They mentioned Rick Favier in the article and Simon 's stomach turned . How he hated that guy . Yesterday , when he recognised him in the car , sitting there with that smug look on his face , he instinctively knew Rick was his enemy , part of the conspiracy , so he did what he had to do and had confronted him . Simon had spent the night in a police cell after the incident , and after he had been released he found out Rick had denied the existence of God at the press conference . How dare he ? He wished for Rick to disappear from the surface of the Earth . Reading the word Goldilocks made him think of his daughters and he felt sad for them : their lives would be cut short . But they would go to Heaven with him . He did not care about his wife though . Diane , lovely Diane , stupid and thick , but loyal to him , and even after he had been having an affair , she had forgiven him . For God 's sake , the only thing she had ever done that meant anything was giving birth to his three beautiful , blonde , blue eyed daughters . Diane would also go to Heaven , like him , but he would make sure she would be right on the opposite side . She drove him crazy and eternity with her would be Hell for him . Divorcing her was out of the question of course , a very un - Christian thing to do , but God would make sure now he would not have to endure her for much longer . " You must come to the community centre , my friend . I 'm here with a few guys and we saw on the news what you did yesterday to that Rick guy . We liked it and we have a very interesting proposition for you , " Aziz said . A roaring applause welcomed Simon at the centre . A smiling Aziz waved at him , gesturing him to come to the front , but he could hardly move through the crowd ; they all tried to shake his hand and touch him . Simon didn 't understand why they acted like that . He noticed rabbis and imams were staring at him , and praying . " Because you spoke the truth yesterday . You confronted Rick and called for the truth . And when those police officers pulled you away grabbing your hair , that was just classic man . The video is already on the internet and it 's gone viral , the people love you . They agree with what you said and they demand answers too . So we 've come up with an idea you might like , " Aziz said to him , gesturing him and the others to sit down . " Okay , we 're getting organised . My imams at the mosque got together with several rabbis and priests and they decided to work together to get as many people back into believing in God again . We all believe in the same God and because the end of our days are approaching , we need to set aside our differences and save as many souls as possible . " " Well , you 'll speak on behalf of us , do rallies , go to churches , mosques and synagogues . You 'll do television interviews and stuff . So what do you say ? Will you accept the position ? " Simon considered for a moment . His felt his career was going nowhere and it sounded like a good excuse to see less of his wife . Everyone stared at him , they were silent , waiting for him to answer . He stood up . " You know what ? You made the right decision in choosing me . I will be perfect for the cause . Yes , I accept . I shall be your leader . " After the crowd had calmed down , Aziz led Simon to a small room , so they could talk in private . " Thank you for accepting Simon , but you 'll be called our spokesperson , " he said , " so , this is the plan . We 'll start by making a website and we 've arranged a television interview for you later today with the International News Agency , the INA . You 're going to be busy . Now , let 's go over what you 're going to say at the interview . We wrote a statement earlier , we were going to put it as an ad in the newspapers , but now we have you , it will be much better live on the news . Here it is , read it and let me know what you think . " Simon read the piece of paper . The statement was badly worded and lacked any passion . Simon felt disappointed . " I 'm not going to read this out loud , it 's terrible , " he said . " I will rewrite this , because there is no anger and no fear . I must appear more aggressive . If I 'm going to unite the believers , I need to give them not only the carrot , but also the stick . Mussolini knew how to make a speech . He 's one of my heroes . Leave this with me and tonight you 'll be blown away . You just make sure I have that interview tonight . " The warning had disappeared from her mind , the instant Simon took a seat next to her . She wanted to hear him speak . She wanted to be with him . She wanted to drown in his deep blue eyes . She noticed she licked her lips and she felt a tingling between her legs . Under her desk , she manoeuvred her leg , so her knee touched his . Simon put his hand on her knee and gently squeezed , making the hairs on her neck stand up . Simon gave an impressive speech . He told the audience how God was angry with those on Earth and would come to claim His souls and send the non - believers to Hell . He spoke into the camera , his smiling face full of confidence , as he delivered the good news for the faithful and the bad news for the rest . He gave a vivid account of what Armageddon was going to look and feel like , and he made that fateful day sound extremely scary . He urged believers of all faiths to sign up for his Children of Abraham movement and all non - believers to join him too , while there still was time , and despite what lies the authorities had told them , there was not much time left : a few months at most . " We 're live , you fucking stupid cow , " her producer screamed in her ear - piece . " Say something . Don 't just fucking stare at him as if you 've fallen in love with him . Confront this freaking lunatic . - Oh , forget it . Fuck you bitch , you 're fired . Get off my set . " " Mr Simon Waltz , thank you for your speech . Everything is clear for me now . I believe you . You 've taken away my fear and I 'll follow your lead on our path to Heaven . Thank you so much . " She wanted to add : I want to sleep with you so bad . " I loved your speech . Please tell me how you can save me , " Anne said , as she kicked off her shoes and sat down on her sofa . After the interview Simon had asked if they could have a drink together . She had agreed and directed the taxi straight to her home ; she had noticed the sexual tension between them and did not want to waste any time . Before their glasses were empty Simon 's hands were on her breasts . He looked eager and , judging by his bulging trousers : ready . She stood up and took his hands , ready to lead him into her bedroom . But first he made her undress herself . When she stood naked in front of him , she felt vulnerable . Please be a nice guy and don 't hurt me like the other men always do . " Take me , here , now . I 'm horny for you . " " Anne . Look at you , your skin is virgin white , you are pure . I really like you . You 're a beautiful and strong woman and it 's an honour to make love to you soon , but first I need you to do something for me . " She was confused . Did he not want to fuck her ? Was he into perverted sex games ? Are you going to hurt me ? The thought alarmed her and her hands covered her breasts and vagina . Staring into his blue eyes , she heard herself say : " I 'll do anything for you . " " I need you to use your influence as a presenter and journalist to make me look good to the world . And I need you to gather information on the Cube and on a few people for me . Will you promise to do whatever I ask you from now on ? " Simon pushed her hand away and stroked her between her legs and played with her pubes . Fermi realised some of them might have spread out . A civilisation with modest rocket technology and a bold amount of drive could easily colonise the whole galaxy in ten million years . This sounds a long time , but compared to the age of the galaxy , which is ten thousand million years old , it is very short . However the lack of any evidence prompted Fermi to ask an obvious question : " Where is everybody ? " Since Fermi asked this question , many attempts have been made to find evidence of extraterrestrial civilisations . Several false alarms have been raised , the most famous being the discovery of Pulsars and Seyfert Galaxies . And the 1977 WOW ! signal at the SETI project caused media attention due to its artificial nature , but the signal was never repeated . To date , natural explanations not involving intelligent life have been found for all such observations . Gustavo Branco sat alone on a nearly deserted Ipanema beach . He had finished reading the morning newspaper and now he had only his thoughts to keep him occupied . The sun touched the horizon , the orange and pink colours in the sky were strong and crisp , but Gustavo did not notice them ; he stared at the white sand in his hands , playing with the grains for minutes , deciding if he should stay a bit longer , but he felt tired : not only physically , but also emotionally , empty and lonely . Before he had come to the beach ; he had finished another night of playing tricks . He was sick of being a professional boyfriend . Why did rich American or European women not visit Rio de Janeiro any more ? Nowadays the few rich people interested in him were fat and old American men . He didn 't want to do gay for pay really , but men paid him a lot better than women did . Gustavo felt life treated him unfairly . He had lost his job over a year ago , but he couldn 't face telling his mother . Since she had been hit by a car five years ago , she had been unable to work . She needed him to bring home money and he tried his hardest to pay the rent for their home and pay for food and other bills . Gustavo was her only child and he had never even met his father . Sometimes he felt so ashamed of himself , he wanted to walk in the sea and let himself float away on the waves , but the thought of his mother all on her own kept him going . This morning he felt the same again , wanting to get away from his life . Last night had been very rough on him : his so called boyfriend for the week insisted on having sex with him . A reluctant Gustavo turned over and put his face in the pillow , so the man would not see his grimace . He hated this part of his job . The American was obese and not attractive at all , and turned out to be selfish during sex , but he had been very generous all week and Gustavo needed the money . The man had taken less than five minutes to reach his climax . Afterwards he had told him he had loved the sex with Gustavo and wanted it every night from now on . Paid for , of course . Yes , Gustavo was feeling really low this morning . He needed a shower . He felt dirty , but he did have plenty of money to take home today . Next week he would do his usual sob story at the airport and as always he would get the address of the boyfriend , but more importantly , he would get more money . Quite often he would write letters asking them for more , and some of them would send him a few notes , once or twice maybe , but then he would never hear from them again . Being a professional boyfriend was hard work and he had to do the same routine again and again . In the distance he heard laughing and Gustavo watched two girls running into the sea . He looked around him . The beach was quiet . He loved the time before the new hectic day started . Seeing the girls in the sea made him hope he would see her again today : the most beautiful girl in Brazil . Most mornings around six , she would stroll along the beach , her shoes off , the tips of the waves touching her feet , and he would see her jump and dance with the waves . For the last few months he had watched her and smiled at her . She had light brown skin and the most amazing long wavy hair . She was always dressed in stunning short and tight dresses , made of fabric so thin , he could see her hips and her full breasts . She used to be unaware of the world around her , but recently she had noticed him and had smiled back . He gazed down the beach , to the place where she always appeared , and after a few minutes , in the distance , he saw her . His mood lifted in an instant and he felt his heart beat faster as she walked closer to him . Finally , for the first time ever , he had the courage to wave at her as she walked past him . When she waved back , he got up and walked towards her , trying , but not succeeding , to look casual . She stood with her bare feet in the water , smiling . Today , she wore a little red dress and had red shoes in her hand . Oh God , she is so beautiful . This was the first time he saw her eyes : they were light green , emphasised by her light brown skin and her dark wavy hair . She smiled at him . " Hi , Gustavo , I 'm Zaira . I 'm glad you did . I 've been wanting to talk to you for a while . I have a bit of time now . Do you want to go for a coffee ? " The bar was buzzing : every morning office workers mingled with the party people who did not want to go home yet , giving the place a smart and fun ambiance . Zaira had never been here . This was the usual hangout for Gustavo : his second home and sanctuary , and he hoped she would love the bar as much as he did ; giving him an indication if she could fit in his world . The coffee had never tasted this sweet : it had to be the company . Gustavo had fallen in love with her there and then . She probably had no idea how beautiful she was . Zaira was chatty and funny . She told him she was a biochemistry student and worked as a cleaner in a hotel to fund her studies . She loved to walk the last part of her commute over the beach each morning , and yes , she had noticed him on many mornings . Gustavo told her he liked to sit on the beach every morning when he finished his shift in the bar where he worked , and enjoy the peace and quiet before the tourists came back . He didn 't want to lie to her and he did intend to look for a real job again , but he needed to save up a lot of money , so he could move his mother out of the slums , the favelas . Soon he would have enough and then he could lead an honest life . Zaira told him she was having a great time chatting with him , but could not stay much longer . She was already late for work , although her boss wouldn 't mind : he was her uncle . Not that she abused that perk , no , of course not : she was almost never late . " Can we meet again tonight ? I would love to get to know you better , " she said . " I can meet you here after work , at seven , and then we 'll have time to chat before you start work . " Both looked to see what was on the television when the bartender turned up the volume . Everyone had stopped talking . A report about the Anomaly in the sky , hurtling towards Earth played . " I 'm not too worried about it . I don 't believe it 's aliens coming for us , there must be a reasonable explanation . The media loves to sensationalise everything , " she said . Gustavo was impressed by her rational and calm behaviour . " Even if they were aliens , which I also doubt , they 'll take thousands of years to get here . So we should be fine . " Gustavo panicked when he saw an obese , pale man waving at him . It was him , from last night , he had walked past the bar , noticed Gustavo and now he was making his way in towards him , still waving . Zaira was watching the television , unaware the man was approaching them . Gustavo leapt off his chair . " Hang on for a moment . I have to talk to someone . I 'll be right back . " He gave her a smile and a wink . Zaira looked at him and at the waving man , she looked confused . If you weren 't so fat , you might sweat a bit less , Gustavo thought . The disgusting sex he had to endure only a few hours ago , replayed in his mind . He had to look casual , otherwise Zaira might ask awkward questions : she seemed very clever . Gustavo forced a smile . " Hello , I didn 't expect to see you up this early . " " I couldn 't sleep . I felt fantastic after our lovemaking . It 's good to see you . I want to meet you earlier tonight , not just for sex , but also for dinner beforehand . Pick me up at seven tonight . " He reached for Gustavo 's hand , but Gustavo pulled his away . The man looked unhappy and changed his tone . " Boy , " he said , " if you do not show up at seven then we are finished . There are plenty of your kind around on the beach . " Gustavo was relieved she did not need to know more . She liked him , he could feel that . He didn 't want to mess this up , he would treat her like a princess and be the perfect gentleman . Zaira was ready to leave . " So I still see you here , tonight ? At seven ? " She leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on his cheek . The touch of her lips gave him goose bumps . Off she went , smiling . Kim Sook sat at the dining table opposite her husband Jiang . They had married four months ago , and on this as on every evening since then , she had cooked dinner , but had made an extra effort this evening . She had to soften up Jiang before she could tell him her big news . For over a month she had felt sick every morning , including half an hour ago whilst chopping the vegetables , and that meant the one thing she expected it to be : she was pregnant . But Kim knew her husband wanted to wait several years before having a baby . Life in Hong Kong was expensive ; they had recently moved to their newly built apartment and they had little spare money every month . Jiang desperately needed his promotion . A baby could ruin all their plans and Kim realised that they might have to move in to her parents ' house . No , Jiang would most probably be unhappy to say the least . They ate their dinner in silence , glancing out of their windows , with the busy skyline of Hong Kong as their only entertainment . " Erm , honey , I have to tell you something , " she said , looking straight at him . He kept eating , not looking at her . Was something bothering him ? Did he suspect anything ? She didn 't know him well enough yet to understand his facial expressions . She could not make up her mind . A wave of anxiety went through her and made her shiver . Her dream of a happy life could be over even before it had really started , but they loved each other so much - he would forgive her , she hoped . She tried to keep another wave of nausea hidden from him . Oh God , she could not take his silence anymore , she felt she needed to scream . Her pregnancy had made her very emotional . Suddenly a big grin was facing her . " Baby , I have great news , " Jiang said , as he got up from his chair and walked towards her . Kim stood up too and he held her in a gentle embrace . He stroked her hair , kissed her on her lips , on her cheeks and on her lips again . " I had my promotion today . I 'm the new chief scientist at the research lab . I 'm leading a team of scientists to look at the anomaly in the Ophiuchus constellation - it is called the People 's Republic of China Ophiuchus Project . My salary will be good enough for us to have our baby . " Kim felt happy her husband was holding her ; otherwise she might have fallen on the floor . Could today be better than the day they were married ? Or the day she had met him ? She remembered when she had seen him for the first time many months ago : this handsome young man walking towards her , their eyes locking . She remembered the moment vividly . You are beautiful , he had said , please be my wife . Although she thought he was very forward , he did make her smile , so she told him she needed to get to know him first . From that day on , he would pick her up from work every day , with a flower for her , and walk her home , telling her about his poor and simple childhood in the small mountain village where he had grown up . After two weeks , she agreed to go on their first date , that night they had their first kiss , and one month later they were married . Jiang walked around his office ; he had only been head of the Ophiuchus Project for a few days , but he already felt at home , as if he had never worked anywhere else . The team of scientists assigned to him were the smartest in the country . Being a member of the Communist Party had finally paid off : all his requests for resources had been approved by the Central Committee . He had come a long way from his small village , Nyalam Town in Xizang . When he was growing up there , his childhood place still had the old name of Tsongdu in the Tibetan language , but he was not allowed to use that name any more . His family had been resettled there by the Party soon after he was born . As an adolescent , all he wanted was to get away from there : he had always resented the fact that the Party had made him grow up in a backwater . But the Party had never forgotten the sacrifice he and his family had made for the country . Now , they were repaying their debt to him . The scientists were busy analysing the data they had received from the Russians and sent Jiang regular updates . The reports worried Jiang , and he was unhappy with the fact that he was not allowed to share the real conclusions with anyone , not even with his wife . But in a way that was good : Kim had more important things on her mind right now . She should not be stressed , as that would be bad for their baby . For now he kept her occupied with the redecoration of their new , bigger apartment and all the baby stuff . Jiang sat at his desk , ready to write his daily report to the Committee , but first he needed to answer the deluge of daily emails . When he checked his in - box he noticed one strange email , originating from India . I have important information for you from the Indian Government regarding Ophiuchus . Do not email me back , but delete this email . I urgently need to meet with you in person . Tonight at 8pm I will be standing at the exit of Chai Wan Station of the Island line . I will find you . Pranit . PS : If you love your country , you must show up . Jiang reread the email a few times and wondered what he should do . He was under strict instructions never to talk to foreigners ; he and his wife could be jailed if he broke the rules . But it was his job to gather as much information as possible about the Cube . And this email fed his suspicions about the amount of information the Russians were giving them . He deleted the email and decided he had to go : for the benefit of his country . The end of the line for me too , if this is a trap by the Committee , he thought to himself . Feeling nervous , he looked around . He had no idea what a secret agent would look like , but he did not see anyone suspicious in the carriage . He felt reluctant to get off the train , but he could not go back now , so he got up and walked to the exit of the station ; the clock read 7 . 45pm . He had arrived early and felt annoyed he had to wait . Pranit . An Indian . I should easily recognise him if he is really here . He looked around . Everyone appeared Chinese to him . This area had seen better days ; buildings looked worn and many needed a lick of paint . Litter and old newspapers were strewn around in corners . Stray dogs were scared off by the commuters who were running along the street trying to catch their buses . Street traders were selling food . The strong smell of pork and fried garlic made him hungry . Jiang decided to buy noodles from the vendor outside the station : it was where the good smell came from . " May I have one portion please ? " he asked the vendor . " I am very much Indian . And - can we trust each other ? That is the true question . For now , you have no other option but to trust me . Let 's go somewhere less public , " Pranit said . " Don 't you worry about any of that . Let 's walk , I have a place nearby . By the way , the noodles are on the house . " Jiang did not know what to think . Should he fear for his life ? If they wanted to kill him they would have done that by now . If the Committee was setting him up , he would certainly find out at the end of their walk : he was not looking forward to stepping into a building with this stranger . Pranit led Jiang in and gestured towards a table with chairs , and a single laptop . " Let me start , we don 't have much time , " Pranit said . " Last week we received information from our contact in Lahore that the Pakistanis are expecting an alien attack on Earth . They want to pre - empt this by attacking the Cube before it enters Earth 's orbit . Our contact informed us the Pakistani Government will approach our Government soon with a proposal for co - operation , but our agents have already obtained the documents . The Pakistani Government feels the Russians are not providing them with all data and therefore want to work with us , not only to convince us they are not attacking us , but to have more firepower with our combined nuclear arsenals . " " But , what is it you want from me ? I 'm not willing to betray my country , so don 't ask me to spy for you , " Jiang said . He believed he had become an actor in a spy movie , convinced that any moment men in black suits would crash through the windows and arrest him . He had lost his appetite and the smell of the garlic and noodles made him feel sick . Kim would be worried ; he had forgotten to call her , telling her he would be working late tonight . " I 'm not asking you to spy for us , please listen to me , " Pranit said . " We have a plan . You must convince your Committee that you have come up with a contingency plan , in case of an imminent alien attack , using China 's nuclear arsenal to attack and neutralise the Cube . You must also convince them the idea is yours and then you should make them contact our Government for co - operation . We will pretend we are grateful for the Chinese offer and work with you on the plan . We 'll then tell your Government we contacted the Pakistanis and have secured their co - operation too . Our combined nuclear arsenal will have over 400 warheads . " " Nothing . I promise you . Life on Earth might end and we have no time for petty games . Look , I have all the documents ready , outlining the attack plan . All technical data is here for you . You can rewrite this and present it to your Government as your plan . " Pranit 's remark sounded like an insult to Jiang and he was immediately annoyed with him . He stood up , ready to leave . " Hand me those papers . I 'll help you with your plan . Yes , I am a communist and I 'll do anything for my country . I 'm going home now , to my wife . " Where have you been ? Do you know what time it is ? I 've been worrying all evening , was what Jiang heard from his wife as soon as he walked through the door . " When you didn 't come home for dinner , I waited and when it got very late I phoned your office . When the security people said you had left hours ago and I told them you weren 't home yet , they started a search for you , " she said , tears running down her cheeks . " Oh baby , I was so worried . I 'm so sorry ; I hope you won 't be in trouble . But I 'm so hormonal now and I panicked . " " I met this man from India , I don 't know , I think he 's a spy or something . He gave me information . They have plans for the Ophiuchus Cube . They want to work with us and asked me to make it happen . " " No ! " Jiang answered . How could his wife even think that of him ? " I 'm not . But because the Committee now knows I was missing , I need to think of something to cover myself . " " I think you are right . You are very wise , my wife . " Jiang hugged her : " I 'll do that first thing tomorrow . Let me call them and tell them I 'm safe at home . And - is my dinner still waiting ? I 'm famished . " The following morning they made him wait in a tiny , badly lit room with dirty green walls . Two uncomfortable , wobbly chairs and a desk with coffee stains were the only items in there . They had taken everything from him : his laptop , phone and watch , even his shoe laces and belt . Every emotion went through his head , but mostly panic . After what felt like , and probably was , four hours , a man walked into the room . Jiang looked at him . The man was around 50 years old , overweight and had a greasy comb - over that could not hide his bald patch . Jiang noticed two yellow stained fingers , evidence of decades of smoking . The man wore a cheap grey suit , clearly two sizes too small . And when he opened his mouth , Jiang found out the man was certainly a fan of garlic : the smell was overwhelming . " Mr Jiang Sook . I am agent Tuan . We are very pleased you came to us with the plan . I had a look at it and I am impressed . So here is what happens next . You will be dealing with me from now on . You will do what the Indian asked you and at the end of that process we will go ahead as they expect from us and contact them . It is very important for you to act normally and do not mess this up . The Committee will be monitoring your every step and provide you with assistance when necessary . " Jiang felt relieved . He had phoned the Committee office that morning and told an agent what had happened to him the night before . The agent had been very pleasant and asked him to come to the office , but when they processed him and made him wait for such a long time he had expected to be treated as a traitor during the interview . " I have developed a schedule for you with instructions . You will give your scientists their tasks and in one month you will have a full report and proposal ready for us , " agent Tuan continued . " After that we shall take over from you . There is a car outside to take you to your office . The People 's Republic of China thanks you for your patriotism . " |
Reginald had been raised all his life to be proud , and to never accept help . His mother had once told him that if he ever thought about receiving food stamps , welfare , or anything like that , that he would no longer be welcome in her house . It was not so much that she looked down on people that received them ; she just knew that Reginald would never himself need them , and should never accept them . Reginald had been given all the tools and talents necessary to live life without government aid , and had been raised to feel guilty about accepting help of any kind . While he was at college , and in high school , there were all sorts of different forms of help that he could have - and perhaps should have - received for the care of his mental disorders . He would have been able to take longer on tests , perhaps have extended paper times , all sorts of things , but he prided himself on being able to do everything on his own - until he talked to Elizabeth . Elizabeth had come from an impoverished family with little means , and had learned from a young age to take all that you can get , more out of direct necessity than pure greed . Her family had long been on food stamps , and now that she was old enough for them , she had sought them herself . Being of little means , and being a very persistent person , she had managed to secure a few hundred dollars worth of food stamps for herself , even though her needs were largely met by the family she was now living with . The way the system works , however , is that if you show that you don 't need it - i . e . don 't use it - then it is reduced the following month . Elizabeth viewed this as more of a challenge than anything else . Of course she could spend a few hundred dollars on food for herself every month . Who couldn 't ? She frequently took Reginald out on grocery store trips to buy whatever they pleased , and Reginald came along , though he felt guilty for doing so . " Which one do you want , baby ? " Elizabeth asked Reginald , as she gestured to various candy bars . Their basket was full of treats . Reginald loved grocery shopping , because he loved cooking , and when he was depressed , good food often cheered him up - gaining weight , however , did not . Reginald felt uneasy . He wanted the chocolate ( he had a soft spot for chocolate ) , but he felt wrong about letting Elizabeth buy it for him . It wasn 't like he had money to buy it himself , but he would rather go hungry than accept help from someone else , especially under these circumstances . Elizabeth could sense Reginald 's uneasiness . " C ' mon babe . I know you want the dark chocolate and raspberry Ghirardelli . It 's your favorite . " She was right , of course , but Reginald felt wrong about it . " It 's okay , babe , " he said . " I 'll go without it . " She sighed , and threw the candy bar in the basket . " I don 't get what 's wrong with you . It 's not like it 's costing me anything , " she said . This was all wrong , Reginald thought to himself . He had wanted to provide for her , and indeed , in the beginning of the relationship he had - until he had spent all the reserves of money he 'd had , and with no more money coming in had run out . He hadn 't been able to find a job yet , though he had looked long and hard . He had always dreamed of being able to provide for Elizabeth , and it frustrated him more than anything to be so emasculated as this . He was useless , he felt , and instead of helping her , was only taking from her . This went against everything that he had ever believed , and how he had been raised . Both of his parents worked , and they felt their son should have a decent career and be a productive member of society . It didn 't bother him that Elizabeth was receiving government aid - he felt she deserved it because of her disability - but it bothered him that she would buy him things . He didn 't ask her to ; no , he would never do that ; she did it because she felt sorry that he had no money to spend on his own . He didn 't care about not having money ; his parents bought all that he needed , and he had learned to live without the other things that he might want , such as going out to the movies , or going out to dinner . Free entertainment had now become the best form of entertainment . All he wanted was to find a job and take care of her , because that 's what he felt she needed . She was in a helpless situation , yet in a lot of ways she was the one helping him , because he was even more helpless . He felt incompetent , and worthless , and more than anything , angry . This was not a situation , he felt , which was destined to last . * ( As a brief note - and not part of the story - this material was previously published earlier on in this blog , but I have since moved this chapter to later on the story . Hopefully this does not confuse anyone who had read this before . Enjoy ! ) Sometime after Reginald was almost hospitalized , he and Elizabeth were sitting in the car at a stoplight as she spoke on the phone with a collections agency about a car that she had owned previously . Her voice had been calm at first , saying , " I know I owe money . What I 'm trying to get you to see is that the car was repossessed in September , so I don 't know why I have to pay for insurance for it all the way to the next July . Can I get a deferment ? " It hadn 't ended there . This was something alien to him . His parents had always provided him with a car to drive so that he could get to work , or to school , or wherever . They might have imposed strict regulations on using the car , but at least he had one . Now he was driving her to one of her appointments because the medical taxi that was supposed to drive her hadn 't showed up . It was frequently like this . No one seemed to be listening to her voice , especially not the person on the other end of the line . " I know that . I 'm just asking for a deferment . I can 't make the payment right now . I 'm homeless , and I 'm unemployed . I have no money to give you . I just want a deferment so I can try and come up with the cash . " Even now his parents were paying for his gas because he couldn 't find a job , and it wasn 't just the gas , it was the insurance . He had never paid a cent towards any kind of car insurance from the day he sat in the driver 's seat . His parents had paid it all . For all her life she had worked hard to pay for her own car and her own insurance and her own gas and every other car related expense . Her father had never contributed a cent towards it . In his defense it wasn 't just that he didn 't want to , it was that he couldn 't ; he didn 't have the money to give her . When she got into accidents she paid for the car to be fixed , or bought a new one . Reginald 's parents always paid for the damage he 'd done to their cars , the ones they provided for him . He 'd had too many accidents to recount here , but the main underlying theme behind all of them was that they were his fault , and not the other driver 's . He 'd hit parked cars on the other side of the road because he was too busy looking back at his brother who was trying to enter the vehicle as it sped away , backed into parked cars and driven off on multiple occasions , rammed into the side of a car while having an argument with his girlfriend on the cell phone while speeding through a red light , and slammed into a guardrail while a friend smoked a bowl in the back seat and bounced her head off the window and spilled the ash all over his seat . He 'd had three accidents without leaving his driveway , causing significant damage to the car . He put enough damage on the same car to total it twice in one month . There were more ; there were lots more . All of them had cost his parents thousands of dollars to repair , some of the time out of pocket because if they had reported it to the insurance company his premiums would have skyrocketed too much , or he would have lost his insurance . In total , his parents might have spent more money on buying and fixing cars , and on insurance to keep those cars on the road , than on his entire college expenses . In addition to the accidents there were the speeding tickets . The most egregious of these was when he was going 96 MPH in a 55 MPH zone weaving in and out of traffic . He did this right past a State Troopers barracks . This was unbeknownst to him at the time , however , but he found out soon enough . His music was so loud ( for anyone that is interested he was listening to Tool , the song " Stinkfist " at full volume ) that he didn 't hear the siren behind him , and being a fairly unobservant driver it was a while before he checked his rear - view mirror . Apparently the cop had been chasing him for some time . This resulted in an arrest . His parents hired a lawyer , and the four traffic violations , including a misdemeanor and talking on a cell phone while driving , were greatly reduced to minimal points on his license . There were other times that , after blinding a cop with his high beams and speeding , the cop said bluntly that he could smell the alcohol on his breath , or on another occasion that they could still smell the reek of weed on his clothes , and somehow he had managed to pass their sobriety tests and come away with minimal points , if any , to his license , but most importantly without any DWIs or DUIs or anything of the sort . At one point he was shaking because he was afraid the cop would find the drugs he had on him , and when the cop asked why he was shaking he just told him cops made him nervous . The cop had showed up to court , reduced his two - hundred - and - fifty dollar ticket to a thirty - five dollar parking ticket , and said that they weren 't all so bad now were they ( the irony in this is that the cop in being a good person was being a lousy cop , the necessity being that to be a good cop you have to be kind of an asshole , and always suspicious , making it so that being a nice guy , and a good cop are two qualities that are diametrically opposed to one another ) . Another time he had been pulled over without a license on him and wearing batman pajamas and a bathrobe midday , and the police officer let him off because he The person on the other end of the line did not seem to be getting the point . " You 're not listening to me at all . I can 't pay you because I don 't have any money to pay you with . I 'm homeless . I 'm not getting any financial assistance , but once I do I can start paying you back . I just need a deferment until I start getting financial assistance . " The irony of all of this is that Elizabeth had worked in collections before and had enjoyed her job quite a bit . She had told him that the phone dialed automatically , and that on the computer the person 's credit score and history would pop up with all sorts of other information . She was quite nosy at times , and she liked the wealth of personal information that was readily available , with just strokes of her fingertips . Her car had been repossessed , though , because she ended up not being able to pay the fees for it , but it wasn 't because of anything she had done purposefully . It was just a bad hand she 'd been dealt . She had been in a car accident and developed chronic pain , bone spurs , and fibromyalgia had set in . Fibromyalgia is a disease that attacks your muscles in a fairly unknown way . It causes constant pain and fatigue , and the symptoms are similar to having an extreme case of the flu . At the time she was going to college full time and working full time , making Dean 's list every semester , with her first class at eight in the morning , and getting out of work at nine at night , five days a week . She would then come home and cook her boyfriend dinner , sometimes in lingerie , which he would decline and say that he had eaten already , and was too tired for sex . The stress of all this had wore on her until she broke down . She got tired of taking forty milligram Oxycontin twice a day with six seven and a half milligram Percocet in between , as prescribed by the doctor . It hadn 't taken away the pain . It just made it so that she didn 't care . Eventually the pain got so bad that she couldn 't get out of bed . She couldn 't keep her job . She couldn 't go to school . Her doctor told her that she couldn 't work for a year , and gave her six reasons why , and suggested that she go on disability . During this time Reginald failed his first semester of college because he stopped going to his classes , but then managed to put together a string of five semesters of Dean 's list and one semester on President 's list , but he mostly didn 't work . While she had wore herself out from working so hard , he goofed off and experimented with drugs , including cocaine , LSD , and DMT ( and of course marijuana and alcohol ) . This added to the drugs he had already tried , which included mainlining heroin and eating mushrooms . In fact when he mainlined a mixture of cocaine and ecstasy it had caused Isis to break up with him until he got sober , which took him a year and a half to do . The inequalities of life were readily apparent in one car . In the driver 's seat was someone who was irresponsible , but who life had blessed with good health , well off and caring parents , and enough intelligence to do whatever he wanted to with his life , once he tired of being irresponsible . In the passenger 's seat was someone who had worked hard all her life until she had wore herself out , and who now was in constant pain and whose doctors advised her to not even seek a job or school for the next year , and yet no one was listening to her , and despite all her hard work , paying into all these government systems , she was unable to get disability , food stamps , or any kind of government financial aid because the system is not only fucked , it takes forever . It had been like this for months . She was ( technically ) homeless , broke , and in miserable health . Reginald 's voice is irrelevant . It is of the privileged class - the class that had supremacy for hundreds of years . Elizabeth is the oppressed , the underprivileged , the downtrodden , the hand reaching up for help but crushed again and again , but he , if he could somehow redeem his life will try to give her a voice and show her that all hope was not lost , because his one saving grace is that he loves her , and he will do anything for her . Her voice was tremulous as she spoke into the phone , " I used to work in collections . I know that by law you have to give me a deferment if I ask for it . That 's what I 'm asking for . Can I get a deferment please ? " She went back and forth with the collection 's agent , and then the collection agent 's manager for quite some time , all the time just asking for a deferment . She explained that the constant calls from the collection 's agency were filling up her inbox and that her social services workers were not able to leave her messages when they needed to , and that this was exacerbating the situation by delaying the process of her getting aid , and that the fact that she was not getting aid was the reason that she couldn 't pay the collections . She explained that she really wanted to pay off the collection 's agency and restore her credit to some semblance of its former self , but that she would not be able to do it for at least a month , and that she was asking for a deferment only until she started getting assistance to help her . Finally the manager gave her some vague response about giving her a deferment for some indeterminate amount of time ; it could be three days , it could be three months . Either way they wouldn 't tell her any more . On one side of Reginald stood his mother , and on the other , stood Elizabeth . They had been waiting for hours already , and moving deeper and deeper into the heart of the hospital , passing stations at which Reginald was examined by more and more doctors and nurses . They had started at the emergency room waiting room , and then had been transferred to the psychiatric ward waiting room , where Reginald had been asked to strip out of his street clothes and put on blue " paper clothes . " Now , after hours of waiting , the nurse was telling Reginald that he could only have one visitor with him in the innermost waiting room . Reginald hated to choose . Here was the woman who had given him birth and been with him through all his hardships , his most constant advocate . She had fought so hard for him when he had gotten expelled from his school - both times - all to make him have a better life . On the other side was the woman that he had loved since elementary school , and the woman that he had hoped he would someday marry . It was really an impossible decision . He was frustrated to have to make this choice . He turned to Elizabeth , " C ' mon , let 's go . " With that , he turned his back on his mother and followed the nurse into the interior of the psychiatric ward , abandoning his mother to the cold , bright waiting room . He looked back over his shoulder ; she looked heartbroken . In the interior waiting room Elizabeth held Reginald 's hand . " You 're going to be alright , " she said to him . " Everything is going to be just fine . " Reginald could feel his anxiety growing , but Elizabeth was like a shot of heroin right in the jugular , and calmed him down immensely . He felt he could not do this without her . There were other patients in the waiting room with them , eating strange , awful tasting hospital food , and Reginald could feel their eyes upon him . This close scrutiny made him perspire , and the cold drops of sweat ran down his brow . Reginald and Elizabeth watched the waiting room television silently ; Jeopardy was on . It was Children 's Jeopardy , and every once in a while Elizabeth would whisper the answer to Reginald . For some reason he thought this was a sign of Elizabeth 's brilliance , though the children on the show were no more than thirteen . As time went on , Jeopardy turned into Wheel of Fortune and Reginald could feel himself growing increasingly impatient . He was not like the loonies in here , he was thinking to himself ; he was sane . His outbursts at home - though increasingly violent in nature - were typical , and no cause for alarm . He was excellent at rationalizing to things to himself , and could manipulate anyone with his words into thinking anything ; now , he would manipulate them into thinking he did not need to be here . As they waited to be seen by the doctor , Elizabeth held Reginald 's hand , and tried to calm him down . It was evident from Reginald 's face that he did not want to be here , and she spoke encouraging words to him . She was the only reason he was here , and the only reason he could be here . The thought of an involuntary hospital stay terrified Reginald more than anything in the world , but he trusted Elizabeth more than he had ever trusted anyone , and if she said things were going to be okay - though nothing seemed to verify it - he believed it . They had always shared a special bond , and it moved Reginald that Elizabeth not only did not run away during this time , but that she was here in the hospital with him , holding his hand . He knew that he had a long history of mental disease , but so did she , and though their love was in a way bizarre and dysfunctional , it comforted Reginald . This union of two kindred souls put Reginald 's heart at ease , even amongst so much anxiety . He knew he was not like the other people in this room , and the thought of having to spend an indeterminate amount of time confined within the walls of this hospital with them was driving Reginald to panic . Thank God , he thought , I have Elizabeth here . After an hour or so in the interior waiting room , Reginald was called to see the doctor ; Elizabeth came with him . They walked slowly along the brightly lit corridor . Hospitals make a person feel insane , even if they are not . The lights are blinding , cold , and sterile , and the walls are painted white with no ornaments on them . Everything that could be used to hurt oneself is removed , or hidden away - even pencils and pens . All the beds in the place have straps on them so as to secure patients if they get too restless , which adds to the paranoia and claustrophobia . Any sane person would not want to be in one of these places , even to work . They entered the doctor 's room , and sat down . The doctor was a large , robust , Indian man of about forty or fifty , and had glasses that made him appear slightly fish - eyed . When he spoke it always appeared as though he were just catching his breath . " So what appears to be the problem ? " he asked Reginald . With great difficulty Reginald thought about what to say . Though he had been having violent outburst recently , he did not want to be confined here . He simply wanted a strong anti - anxiety medication to relax him . " I 've been having a lot of anxiety lately , " he said at last , " and frequent outbursts . " The doctor looked at the chart , flipping through the pages . " Did anything precipitate these outbursts ? " he asked Reginald . He was studying Reginald . His eyes moved over him as a mechanic studies an engine with a malfunction . It was hard to tell if the doctor even saw people anymore , rather than patients . The people who come in to mental institutions are perhaps at their weakest moments ; they are fighting for their lives . The doctors work as though they are on an assembly line ; they make adjustments or send the car back for repairs to the shop upstairs . Reginald knew he was playing a game here . If he were to get the desired medication he would have to make the right moves . Unfortunately there was no disguising the truth in this situation . In some ways he would have to be brutally honest and just hope for the best . " I took some ecstasy and acid and I seem to be having a manic episode , " Reginald explained to the doctor ; " To add to that my hands are shaking considerably . " The doctor swiveled back and forth on his chair . His clothes looked tight on him in some areas , and loose in others . The suit did not quite fit him . Suits are not quite made for large people . The doctor scratched his chin and scribbled some notes into Reginald 's chart . Reginald could not see what he wrote , and he had always wondered what it had been anyways when he had seen doctors . They were always scribbling notes furiously . " Do you have a history of drug abuse ? " the doctor asked Reginald . Do I ? Reginald thought to himself . He thought back to the years and years of drug abuse that he had been through . He had first had a drink at five years old . It had occurred when he was downstairs in his parents ' basement with a friend playing near the liquor cabinet . He had often seen his father drinking scotch , so he decided he would take a swig . Never before had anything ever burned his throat like that , and he rushed upstairs and started chugging orange juice . His mother had inquired as to what had happened , but he just said he was really thirsty , and she just shrugged it off . Later on , when he was around seven , he had gotten drunk off his parents ' wine with his younger brother when no one was home to watch him . He had started smoking marijuana in sixth grade , and had become a regular user by ninth . It was also in ninth grade that he started getting drunk more regularly and started smoking cigarettes . He stopped going to school and started getting high or drunk every day and ended up spending two and a half years in ninth grade . This was the beginning of Reginald 's substance abuse problem . By fifteen or sixteen he had started shooting up coke and heroin , and experimenting with mushrooms . He ended up getting arrested and quitting those drugs for the duration of his probation , but still drank and smoked weed . Somehow he never failed a piss test . His method of " smoke for three weeks , and then don 't smoke for a week " seemed to work for his monthly drug tests , and the probation officer let him off after two - and - a - half years for " good behavior . " He remained clean off hard drugs for a few years after probation , but by his early twenties he was back to shooting coke , and when he wasn 't doing that , snorting it as well - which never had the desired effect . He experimented with acid during this time , and fell into a nasty DMT habit , which nearly resulted in his committing suicide after a severely bad trip . This most recent episode had included ecstasy ( which was cut with heroin and methamphetamines , as " How much , " the doctor inquired . " Not much of anything , " Reginald said . " Just experimenting really . " It was true , in some ways . Reginald did do a lot of experimenting ; the drugs he 'd done the most of had been marijuana and alcohol . For the most part he had limited his use of the other drugs - not because he didn 't want to do them - because he couldn 't afford them . " Anything else going on ? " the doctor asked . The doctor 's skin was glistening with sweat . The hospital wasn 't even that warm . His belt was around his navel , his pants up outrageously high . It was like he was wearing a zoot suit . Reginald felt betrayed . They might keep him now if they thought he was a danger to himself . He knew that Elizabeth was only acting in his best interests , but he didn 't give a damn about his best interests . He just wanted some goddamn Xanax to calm him down and get the fuck out of there . The doctor looked at Reginald with a quizzical look on his face . " What is she talking about ? " the doctor asked . " I cut my legs , " Reginald squeaked out . He really hadn 't wanted to say anything about it . The room felt cramped with the three of them in there in the small office . Elizabeth was sitting to his left , and the doctor was sitting in front of him . The door was shut , and even if Reginald wanted to run , he couldn 't get out of the interior waiting room ; the door to the waiting room was locked . Reginald began to feel very claustrophobic . He suddenly felt as if he may not go home . For the first time in his life , he felt anger towards Elizabeth . The doctor nodded . " Show me , " he said , and gestured for Reginald to get up . Reginald 's paper clothes crinkled as he stood up , and he pulled down the pants so the doctor could see his naked thighs . The doctor inspected the cuts on his thighs . " These are superficial , " he said bluntly . Reginald felt relieved and offended at the same time . Superficial ? he thought . I cut myself with a Buck knife ! Outwardly he breathed a sigh of relief . This meant that the doctor did not think he was a danger to himself . " Yeah , " Reginald said . " I wasn 't really trying to harm myself . " If you want to read this in chronological order , you 're going to have to go back to the beginning . Seems pretty simple . It follows a story line . The title of the book is called " Mimesis , " and is currently still in progress . I am offering it for free online because I 'm . . . Continue reading → Archives |
Reginald had been raised all his life to be proud , and to never accept help . His mother had once told him that if he ever thought about receiving food stamps , welfare , or anything like that , that he would no longer be welcome in her house . It was not so much that she looked down on people that received them ; she just knew that Reginald would never himself need them , and should never accept them . Reginald had been given all the tools and talents necessary to live life without government aid , and had been raised to feel guilty about accepting help of any kind . While he was at college , and in high school , there were all sorts of different forms of help that he could have - and perhaps should have - received for the care of his mental disorders . He would have been able to take longer on tests , perhaps have extended paper times , all sorts of things , but he prided himself on being able to do everything on his own - until he talked to Elizabeth . Elizabeth had come from an impoverished family with little means , and had learned from a young age to take all that you can get , more out of direct necessity than pure greed . Her family had long been on food stamps , and now that she was old enough for them , she had sought them herself . Being of little means , and being a very persistent person , she had managed to secure a few hundred dollars worth of food stamps for herself , even though her needs were largely met by the family she was now living with . The way the system works , however , is that if you show that you don 't need it - i . e . don 't use it - then it is reduced the following month . Elizabeth viewed this as more of a challenge than anything else . Of course she could spend a few hundred dollars on food for herself every month . Who couldn 't ? She frequently took Reginald out on grocery store trips to buy whatever they pleased , and Reginald came along , though he felt guilty for doing so . " Which one do you want , baby ? " Elizabeth asked Reginald , as she gestured to various candy bars . Their basket was full of treats . Reginald loved grocery shopping , because he loved cooking , and when he was depressed , good food often cheered him up - gaining weight , however , did not . Reginald felt uneasy . He wanted the chocolate ( he had a soft spot for chocolate ) , but he felt wrong about letting Elizabeth buy it for him . It wasn 't like he had money to buy it himself , but he would rather go hungry than accept help from someone else , especially under these circumstances . Elizabeth could sense Reginald 's uneasiness . " C ' mon babe . I know you want the dark chocolate and raspberry Ghirardelli . It 's your favorite . " She was right , of course , but Reginald felt wrong about it . " It 's okay , babe , " he said . " I 'll go without it . " She sighed , and threw the candy bar in the basket . " I don 't get what 's wrong with you . It 's not like it 's costing me anything , " she said . This was all wrong , Reginald thought to himself . He had wanted to provide for her , and indeed , in the beginning of the relationship he had - until he had spent all the reserves of money he 'd had , and with no more money coming in had run out . He hadn 't been able to find a job yet , though he had looked long and hard . He had always dreamed of being able to provide for Elizabeth , and it frustrated him more than anything to be so emasculated as this . He was useless , he felt , and instead of helping her , was only taking from her . This went against everything that he had ever believed , and how he had been raised . Both of his parents worked , and they felt their son should have a decent career and be a productive member of society . It didn 't bother him that Elizabeth was receiving government aid - he felt she deserved it because of her disability - but it bothered him that she would buy him things . He didn 't ask her to ; no , he would never do that ; she did it because she felt sorry that he had no money to spend on his own . He didn 't care about not having money ; his parents bought all that he needed , and he had learned to live without the other things that he might want , such as going out to the movies , or going out to dinner . Free entertainment had now become the best form of entertainment . All he wanted was to find a job and take care of her , because that 's what he felt she needed . She was in a helpless situation , yet in a lot of ways she was the one helping him , because he was even more helpless . He felt incompetent , and worthless , and more than anything , angry . This was not a situation , he felt , which was destined to last . * ( As a brief note - and not part of the story - this material was previously published earlier on in this blog , but I have since moved this chapter to later on the story . Hopefully this does not confuse anyone who had read this before . Enjoy ! ) Sometime after Reginald was almost hospitalized , he and Elizabeth were sitting in the car at a stoplight as she spoke on the phone with a collections agency about a car that she had owned previously . Her voice had been calm at first , saying , " I know I owe money . What I 'm trying to get you to see is that the car was repossessed in September , so I don 't know why I have to pay for insurance for it all the way to the next July . Can I get a deferment ? " It hadn 't ended there . This was something alien to him . His parents had always provided him with a car to drive so that he could get to work , or to school , or wherever . They might have imposed strict regulations on using the car , but at least he had one . Now he was driving her to one of her appointments because the medical taxi that was supposed to drive her hadn 't showed up . It was frequently like this . No one seemed to be listening to her voice , especially not the person on the other end of the line . " I know that . I 'm just asking for a deferment . I can 't make the payment right now . I 'm homeless , and I 'm unemployed . I have no money to give you . I just want a deferment so I can try and come up with the cash . " Even now his parents were paying for his gas because he couldn 't find a job , and it wasn 't just the gas , it was the insurance . He had never paid a cent towards any kind of car insurance from the day he sat in the driver 's seat . His parents had paid it all . For all her life she had worked hard to pay for her own car and her own insurance and her own gas and every other car related expense . Her father had never contributed a cent towards it . In his defense it wasn 't just that he didn 't want to , it was that he couldn 't ; he didn 't have the money to give her . When she got into accidents she paid for the car to be fixed , or bought a new one . Reginald 's parents always paid for the damage he 'd done to their cars , the ones they provided for him . He 'd had too many accidents to recount here , but the main underlying theme behind all of them was that they were his fault , and not the other driver 's . He 'd hit parked cars on the other side of the road because he was too busy looking back at his brother who was trying to enter the vehicle as it sped away , backed into parked cars and driven off on multiple occasions , rammed into the side of a car while having an argument with his girlfriend on the cell phone while speeding through a red light , and slammed into a guardrail while a friend smoked a bowl in the back seat and bounced her head off the window and spilled the ash all over his seat . He 'd had three accidents without leaving his driveway , causing significant damage to the car . He put enough damage on the same car to total it twice in one month . There were more ; there were lots more . All of them had cost his parents thousands of dollars to repair , some of the time out of pocket because if they had reported it to the insurance company his premiums would have skyrocketed too much , or he would have lost his insurance . In total , his parents might have spent more money on buying and fixing cars , and on insurance to keep those cars on the road , than on his entire college expenses . In addition to the accidents there were the speeding tickets . The most egregious of these was when he was going 96 MPH in a 55 MPH zone weaving in and out of traffic . He did this right past a State Troopers barracks . This was unbeknownst to him at the time , however , but he found out soon enough . His music was so loud ( for anyone that is interested he was listening to Tool , the song " Stinkfist " at full volume ) that he didn 't hear the siren behind him , and being a fairly unobservant driver it was a while before he checked his rear - view mirror . Apparently the cop had been chasing him for some time . This resulted in an arrest . His parents hired a lawyer , and the four traffic violations , including a misdemeanor and talking on a cell phone while driving , were greatly reduced to minimal points on his license . There were other times that , after blinding a cop with his high beams and speeding , the cop said bluntly that he could smell the alcohol on his breath , or on another occasion that they could still smell the reek of weed on his clothes , and somehow he had managed to pass their sobriety tests and come away with minimal points , if any , to his license , but most importantly without any DWIs or DUIs or anything of the sort . At one point he was shaking because he was afraid the cop would find the drugs he had on him , and when the cop asked why he was shaking he just told him cops made him nervous . The cop had showed up to court , reduced his two - hundred - and - fifty dollar ticket to a thirty - five dollar parking ticket , and said that they weren 't all so bad now were they ( the irony in this is that the cop in being a good person was being a lousy cop , the necessity being that to be a good cop you have to be kind of an asshole , and always suspicious , making it so that being a nice guy , and a good cop are two qualities that are diametrically opposed to one another ) . Another time he had been pulled over without a license on him and wearing batman pajamas and a bathrobe midday , and the police officer let him off because he The person on the other end of the line did not seem to be getting the point . " You 're not listening to me at all . I can 't pay you because I don 't have any money to pay you with . I 'm homeless . I 'm not getting any financial assistance , but once I do I can start paying you back . I just need a deferment until I start getting financial assistance . " The irony of all of this is that Elizabeth had worked in collections before and had enjoyed her job quite a bit . She had told him that the phone dialed automatically , and that on the computer the person 's credit score and history would pop up with all sorts of other information . She was quite nosy at times , and she liked the wealth of personal information that was readily available , with just strokes of her fingertips . Her car had been repossessed , though , because she ended up not being able to pay the fees for it , but it wasn 't because of anything she had done purposefully . It was just a bad hand she 'd been dealt . She had been in a car accident and developed chronic pain , bone spurs , and fibromyalgia had set in . Fibromyalgia is a disease that attacks your muscles in a fairly unknown way . It causes constant pain and fatigue , and the symptoms are similar to having an extreme case of the flu . At the time she was going to college full time and working full time , making Dean 's list every semester , with her first class at eight in the morning , and getting out of work at nine at night , five days a week . She would then come home and cook her boyfriend dinner , sometimes in lingerie , which he would decline and say that he had eaten already , and was too tired for sex . The stress of all this had wore on her until she broke down . She got tired of taking forty milligram Oxycontin twice a day with six seven and a half milligram Percocet in between , as prescribed by the doctor . It hadn 't taken away the pain . It just made it so that she didn 't care . Eventually the pain got so bad that she couldn 't get out of bed . She couldn 't keep her job . She couldn 't go to school . Her doctor told her that she couldn 't work for a year , and gave her six reasons why , and suggested that she go on disability . During this time Reginald failed his first semester of college because he stopped going to his classes , but then managed to put together a string of five semesters of Dean 's list and one semester on President 's list , but he mostly didn 't work . While she had wore herself out from working so hard , he goofed off and experimented with drugs , including cocaine , LSD , and DMT ( and of course marijuana and alcohol ) . This added to the drugs he had already tried , which included mainlining heroin and eating mushrooms . In fact when he mainlined a mixture of cocaine and ecstasy it had caused Isis to break up with him until he got sober , which took him a year and a half to do . The inequalities of life were readily apparent in one car . In the driver 's seat was someone who was irresponsible , but who life had blessed with good health , well off and caring parents , and enough intelligence to do whatever he wanted to with his life , once he tired of being irresponsible . In the passenger 's seat was someone who had worked hard all her life until she had wore herself out , and who now was in constant pain and whose doctors advised her to not even seek a job or school for the next year , and yet no one was listening to her , and despite all her hard work , paying into all these government systems , she was unable to get disability , food stamps , or any kind of government financial aid because the system is not only fucked , it takes forever . It had been like this for months . She was ( technically ) homeless , broke , and in miserable health . Reginald 's voice is irrelevant . It is of the privileged class - the class that had supremacy for hundreds of years . Elizabeth is the oppressed , the underprivileged , the downtrodden , the hand reaching up for help but crushed again and again , but he , if he could somehow redeem his life will try to give her a voice and show her that all hope was not lost , because his one saving grace is that he loves her , and he will do anything for her . Her voice was tremulous as she spoke into the phone , " I used to work in collections . I know that by law you have to give me a deferment if I ask for it . That 's what I 'm asking for . Can I get a deferment please ? " She went back and forth with the collection 's agent , and then the collection agent 's manager for quite some time , all the time just asking for a deferment . She explained that the constant calls from the collection 's agency were filling up her inbox and that her social services workers were not able to leave her messages when they needed to , and that this was exacerbating the situation by delaying the process of her getting aid , and that the fact that she was not getting aid was the reason that she couldn 't pay the collections . She explained that she really wanted to pay off the collection 's agency and restore her credit to some semblance of its former self , but that she would not be able to do it for at least a month , and that she was asking for a deferment only until she started getting assistance to help her . Finally the manager gave her some vague response about giving her a deferment for some indeterminate amount of time ; it could be three days , it could be three months . Either way they wouldn 't tell her any more . On one side of Reginald stood his mother , and on the other , stood Elizabeth . They had been waiting for hours already , and moving deeper and deeper into the heart of the hospital , passing stations at which Reginald was examined by more and more doctors and nurses . They had started at the emergency room waiting room , and then had been transferred to the psychiatric ward waiting room , where Reginald had been asked to strip out of his street clothes and put on blue " paper clothes . " Now , after hours of waiting , the nurse was telling Reginald that he could only have one visitor with him in the innermost waiting room . Reginald hated to choose . Here was the woman who had given him birth and been with him through all his hardships , his most constant advocate . She had fought so hard for him when he had gotten expelled from his school - both times - all to make him have a better life . On the other side was the woman that he had loved since elementary school , and the woman that he had hoped he would someday marry . It was really an impossible decision . He was frustrated to have to make this choice . He turned to Elizabeth , " C ' mon , let 's go . " With that , he turned his back on his mother and followed the nurse into the interior of the psychiatric ward , abandoning his mother to the cold , bright waiting room . He looked back over his shoulder ; she looked heartbroken . In the interior waiting room Elizabeth held Reginald 's hand . " You 're going to be alright , " she said to him . " Everything is going to be just fine . " Reginald could feel his anxiety growing , but Elizabeth was like a shot of heroin right in the jugular , and calmed him down immensely . He felt he could not do this without her . There were other patients in the waiting room with them , eating strange , awful tasting hospital food , and Reginald could feel their eyes upon him . This close scrutiny made him perspire , and the cold drops of sweat ran down his brow . Reginald and Elizabeth watched the waiting room television silently ; Jeopardy was on . It was Children 's Jeopardy , and every once in a while Elizabeth would whisper the answer to Reginald . For some reason he thought this was a sign of Elizabeth 's brilliance , though the children on the show were no more than thirteen . As time went on , Jeopardy turned into Wheel of Fortune and Reginald could feel himself growing increasingly impatient . He was not like the loonies in here , he was thinking to himself ; he was sane . His outbursts at home - though increasingly violent in nature - were typical , and no cause for alarm . He was excellent at rationalizing to things to himself , and could manipulate anyone with his words into thinking anything ; now , he would manipulate them into thinking he did not need to be here . As they waited to be seen by the doctor , Elizabeth held Reginald 's hand , and tried to calm him down . It was evident from Reginald 's face that he did not want to be here , and she spoke encouraging words to him . She was the only reason he was here , and the only reason he could be here . The thought of an involuntary hospital stay terrified Reginald more than anything in the world , but he trusted Elizabeth more than he had ever trusted anyone , and if she said things were going to be okay - though nothing seemed to verify it - he believed it . They had always shared a special bond , and it moved Reginald that Elizabeth not only did not run away during this time , but that she was here in the hospital with him , holding his hand . He knew that he had a long history of mental disease , but so did she , and though their love was in a way bizarre and dysfunctional , it comforted Reginald . This union of two kindred souls put Reginald 's heart at ease , even amongst so much anxiety . He knew he was not like the other people in this room , and the thought of having to spend an indeterminate amount of time confined within the walls of this hospital with them was driving Reginald to panic . Thank God , he thought , I have Elizabeth here . After an hour or so in the interior waiting room , Reginald was called to see the doctor ; Elizabeth came with him . They walked slowly along the brightly lit corridor . Hospitals make a person feel insane , even if they are not . The lights are blinding , cold , and sterile , and the walls are painted white with no ornaments on them . Everything that could be used to hurt oneself is removed , or hidden away - even pencils and pens . All the beds in the place have straps on them so as to secure patients if they get too restless , which adds to the paranoia and claustrophobia . Any sane person would not want to be in one of these places , even to work . They entered the doctor 's room , and sat down . The doctor was a large , robust , Indian man of about forty or fifty , and had glasses that made him appear slightly fish - eyed . When he spoke it always appeared as though he were just catching his breath . " So what appears to be the problem ? " he asked Reginald . With great difficulty Reginald thought about what to say . Though he had been having violent outburst recently , he did not want to be confined here . He simply wanted a strong anti - anxiety medication to relax him . " I 've been having a lot of anxiety lately , " he said at last , " and frequent outbursts . " The doctor looked at the chart , flipping through the pages . " Did anything precipitate these outbursts ? " he asked Reginald . He was studying Reginald . His eyes moved over him as a mechanic studies an engine with a malfunction . It was hard to tell if the doctor even saw people anymore , rather than patients . The people who come in to mental institutions are perhaps at their weakest moments ; they are fighting for their lives . The doctors work as though they are on an assembly line ; they make adjustments or send the car back for repairs to the shop upstairs . Reginald knew he was playing a game here . If he were to get the desired medication he would have to make the right moves . Unfortunately there was no disguising the truth in this situation . In some ways he would have to be brutally honest and just hope for the best . " I took some ecstasy and acid and I seem to be having a manic episode , " Reginald explained to the doctor ; " To add to that my hands are shaking considerably . " The doctor swiveled back and forth on his chair . His clothes looked tight on him in some areas , and loose in others . The suit did not quite fit him . Suits are not quite made for large people . The doctor scratched his chin and scribbled some notes into Reginald 's chart . Reginald could not see what he wrote , and he had always wondered what it had been anyways when he had seen doctors . They were always scribbling notes furiously . " Do you have a history of drug abuse ? " the doctor asked Reginald . Do I ? Reginald thought to himself . He thought back to the years and years of drug abuse that he had been through . He had first had a drink at five years old . It had occurred when he was downstairs in his parents ' basement with a friend playing near the liquor cabinet . He had often seen his father drinking scotch , so he decided he would take a swig . Never before had anything ever burned his throat like that , and he rushed upstairs and started chugging orange juice . His mother had inquired as to what had happened , but he just said he was really thirsty , and she just shrugged it off . Later on , when he was around seven , he had gotten drunk off his parents ' wine with his younger brother when no one was home to watch him . He had started smoking marijuana in sixth grade , and had become a regular user by ninth . It was also in ninth grade that he started getting drunk more regularly and started smoking cigarettes . He stopped going to school and started getting high or drunk every day and ended up spending two and a half years in ninth grade . This was the beginning of Reginald 's substance abuse problem . By fifteen or sixteen he had started shooting up coke and heroin , and experimenting with mushrooms . He ended up getting arrested and quitting those drugs for the duration of his probation , but still drank and smoked weed . Somehow he never failed a piss test . His method of " smoke for three weeks , and then don 't smoke for a week " seemed to work for his monthly drug tests , and the probation officer let him off after two - and - a - half years for " good behavior . " He remained clean off hard drugs for a few years after probation , but by his early twenties he was back to shooting coke , and when he wasn 't doing that , snorting it as well - which never had the desired effect . He experimented with acid during this time , and fell into a nasty DMT habit , which nearly resulted in his committing suicide after a severely bad trip . This most recent episode had included ecstasy ( which was cut with heroin and methamphetamines , as " How much , " the doctor inquired . " Not much of anything , " Reginald said . " Just experimenting really . " It was true , in some ways . Reginald did do a lot of experimenting ; the drugs he 'd done the most of had been marijuana and alcohol . For the most part he had limited his use of the other drugs - not because he didn 't want to do them - because he couldn 't afford them . " Anything else going on ? " the doctor asked . The doctor 's skin was glistening with sweat . The hospital wasn 't even that warm . His belt was around his navel , his pants up outrageously high . It was like he was wearing a zoot suit . Reginald felt betrayed . They might keep him now if they thought he was a danger to himself . He knew that Elizabeth was only acting in his best interests , but he didn 't give a damn about his best interests . He just wanted some goddamn Xanax to calm him down and get the fuck out of there . The doctor looked at Reginald with a quizzical look on his face . " What is she talking about ? " the doctor asked . " I cut my legs , " Reginald squeaked out . He really hadn 't wanted to say anything about it . The room felt cramped with the three of them in there in the small office . Elizabeth was sitting to his left , and the doctor was sitting in front of him . The door was shut , and even if Reginald wanted to run , he couldn 't get out of the interior waiting room ; the door to the waiting room was locked . Reginald began to feel very claustrophobic . He suddenly felt as if he may not go home . For the first time in his life , he felt anger towards Elizabeth . The doctor nodded . " Show me , " he said , and gestured for Reginald to get up . Reginald 's paper clothes crinkled as he stood up , and he pulled down the pants so the doctor could see his naked thighs . The doctor inspected the cuts on his thighs . " These are superficial , " he said bluntly . Reginald felt relieved and offended at the same time . Superficial ? he thought . I cut myself with a Buck knife ! Outwardly he breathed a sigh of relief . This meant that the doctor did not think he was a danger to himself . " Yeah , " Reginald said . " I wasn 't really trying to harm myself . " If you want to read this in chronological order , you 're going to have to go back to the beginning . Seems pretty simple . It follows a story line . The title of the book is called " Mimesis , " and is currently still in progress . I am offering it for free online because I 'm . . . Continue reading → Archives |
Juggling life through a bi - polar lens . Sometimes up , sometimes down . Mostly trying to tread water in the middle . Creating a likeness to a normal life . Whatever " normal " is . . . He dreamed that I was giving Scooter his medicine . I had it in my hand and he was just licking it up , no trouble . Then , Fluffy walked towards us to have a look and I said , It was her anniversary on the 13th . She has a little candle by her box of ashes , an angel , and a little box , decorated with cat pictures , containing her last collar and a clipping of her hair . This is all on the side near my chair , with Christmas cards around . She loved Christmas , the sparkle and twinkles fascinated her . She would lie belly - up under the tree looking up through it at all the glittering lights . I miss her , but I 'm glad she isn 't hurting any more . It wouldn 't be Christmas if my friend were hurting . Scooter now has 4 cardboard boxes scattered around the floor . Various deliveries have provided him with this choice . If I try to clear one up he wants that one : ) So I excavated the can of ' Mr Muscle ' from the back of the cupboard , where I 'd left it when I had first had the idea to clean it , oh , 4 months ago - ? ? and sprayed the stuff liberally all over the inside of the oven . Despite covering my nose and mouth , this sent me into an instant asthmary wheeze . Yuck ! Some coughing and a few puffs on my inhaler later , I wondered , " Should I clean the roof of the oven , too ? " I had a look and discovered that the whole of the roof slides out for cleaning . Oh . Never knew that . Gosh , that 's a surprise after 7 years isn 't it . So sprayed that too . Old cloths , newspaper , water and kitchen roll . . . . . but hey this is worth it for a spotless oven for the Christmas roast , yes ? Once the gloop and bubbles were removed I expected to see pristine metal but instead I 've had to apply the rest of the can and have a second go . Not sure how I get to rinse all this off . We could be having salad for lunch on Sunday at this rate ! I WAS going to put in a ' Mr Linky ' chart but couldn 't get it to work ! ! ! INSTEAD , if you want to join in , just leave your entry in the comments . If you do put it on your blog instead or as well , you 're of course welcome to leave your link ! Take a book , any book . It can be fiction or factual . One you are currently reading , or off your shelf , doesn 't matter . ( Kids books are definitely allowed , too . I wonder if Bob would like to join in with one of his Paddington Bear books . . . . ) Tell us the sentence that includes line 4 . In other words , if it is incomplete you are allowed to go back to the beginning of the sentence or go on a few lines to end it . But give us THE SENTENCE THAT INCLUDES LINE 4 . You don 't have to scan in a pic of the cover , it 's up to you . My scanner is out of action so I have taken the photo from Amazon . Not sure if that 's allowed , but as it 's basically advertising for them , I 'm not sure they would mind ! I must stress this is not my original idea entirely - there was a blog or a website doing this a few years ago , though I can 't remember what page or line number . If you know of that site , do let me know , so I can give credit , & if necessary ask permission , too ! Meanwhile , I always thought it was a great idea so let 's go . Here is my first entry . I shall put one up on Wednesdays from now on . I 'll do a ' Mr Linky ' so you can join in and leave a link easily , if you want . It wasn 't till late Monday that I started to feel a bit more relaxed , but I still haven 't had a night 's sleep . This is mainly because of guilt , and things going over and over , conversations going through my head . Then my head runs away with itself in imaginary conversations , doing the whole day how I 'd have liked it to have been done . Before I know it two hours of these scenes have played across my mind . * * * *** * * * Years ago , 1999 , I was bullied so much at my last paid job that I took two weeks ' off work with depression . I never went back because facing going back just made it worse , and I had had 9 months of it . I knew going back would be harder . So I was signed off sick . I made an official complaint about the bullying and they investigated it and said that it hadn 't happened . I was given a copy of the report and was stunned by the ' witness statements ' . Ihad not expected colleagues to stick up for me , but neither had I expected them to INVENT stories , things that hadn 't happened , utter lies . I was so shocked . Naive , I suppose . What came back in vivid technicolour is the sense of loss of self - in other words I no longer knew if I was ok as a person - I asked myself , " Is this me , in these descriptions ? Am I this terrible person ? Am I one of those people who just can 't see how awful they are ? " It 's a dizzying experience . Luvbug and I sent them flowers , delivered Monday . We spent time to carefully word the card so that I was not grovelling and wallowing in saying sorry as I feel strongly that I was provoked . There was right and wrong on both sides I guess . But we said something like , please know I would not have wanted the evening to end that way . Then we wished them a happy new year and a safe and happy holiday ( they went to Mexico ) . A text came from my brother Monday afternoon saying thank you for the beautiful flowers ; we 'll straughten things out in the new year . A huge weight went off me then , I think because the ball is left in their court . There is no need for it to hang over us at Christmas . My old school friend , Jo , came up on Monday and we toured the shops . Luvbug gave me generous funds for a girlie lunch . She cheered me up no end . So much as I would like to coast along on the wave ( as I do sometimes just because the extra energy means I can so much more done ! ) I have taken my trifluoperazine like a good girl . Mind you , it is now 1 a . m . and I am not in bed . Oops ! * * * *** * * * Up early tomorrow ; to mum 's by 8 as she has a washing machine delivery . Can they give a better ETA ? No , just some time between 6 and 10 . ( 6 ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Does anyone really THINK of washing machines at 6 ? ? ? ) Can 't believe Christmas is so close . Hadn 't realised that school , and therefore Luvbug 's work days , comes to an end this Friday . Stroof ! ! ! Where has the last 1 / 4 of this year gone ? ? ? ? Strange how the passing of time is sometimes helpful , and other times so fast it is scary . * * * *** * * * Hope you 're not all under winter colds and bugs out there . The weather has definitely gone wintry at last . . . . Bob The Bear has received an amazing sleigh in the post , which he 'll blog about later . Now he looks out the window for snow every day : ) So I went to the wedding . I 'd had about 3 hours sleep but I washed , dressed in my new clothes , fixed my hair and put on the make - up that I 'd bought the day before . A big part of me had wanted to go and for it to all be wonderful , meaning that I 'd spent a lot on clothes and shoes and new bag , haircut and make - up and even had had my eyebrows threaded - which had been excrutiating ! So I had tried to get myself in the right mindset , you see . I HAD ' made an effort ' . I stress this because it is the cause of the blazing row that started at the reception - I went over to talk to my brother . We had all eaten the dinner and were waiting for dessert . A general hubbub and interlude . I went over to talk to my brother but the bride started talking to me right away instead . Earlier at the church , I hadn 't been able to face the service - as I had predicted . I did text my brother the night before and warn him that an hour long service might be too much for me . I wanted to forewarn him in case he turned round in the service , saw I wasn 't there and wondered why . Well according to the bride this text hugely upset my brother as did my not staying for the service . - I did NOT walk out of the service . I left before it began . I did this because it was an old church with old , boxed in pews , so the only exit was down the main aisle . Not good for quick , or subtle exits . SO I explained to mum and Luvbug , and sneaked out . Unfortunately it was just as the bride 's party were hanging around at the door . My brother later told me that she had accused me of giving her a filthy look as I left , but I certainly did not ! But what the bride said to me during reception was that it didn 't matter whether I was ill , or couldn 't stand church services because of things in my past , or that I felt I was havign a panic attack , or that my depression had been particularly bad that week - all explanations I tried to give her whilst she was ticking me off for not supporting my brother - no , it didn 't matter how bad I felt or why , " It 's your brother 's day , not yours , you see ? You understand ? It 's his day . " this is what she kept telling me . And it didn 't matter how bad I felt or what reasons I had . Because HER sisters would have overcome it and put him first , she said . NExt to my clothes . I explained that I had had to wear black trousers in the end - I made a joke of it - as it was hard to find anything this time of year as the shops only sold Chrismassy things . " That 's ok , to wear something Christmassy , it 's meant to be a celebration , Helen , not a funeral . " was the reply . Poor mum , in black and navy . No one took the troubel tell her how nice she looked . Well mum had gone over to say goodbye to the bride . God alone knows what she said to mum . Mum said she didn 't hear half of it . David was chatting to his friends and working his way to the door where Luvbug and I were waiting . Once he got there , we thought he was going to say something like , " oh dear , that didn 't go well did it ? Are you going early then ? " but no , he started to say that this was HIS day and that I should put him first and I hadn 't behaved properly and blah blah blah . SOmething in me was so mad ! I told him how low and depressed I 'd been , how we 'd really tried to get to the wedding , how we had had to come to get mum there - even though she was mostly ignored by them when there ! we seated her in the second pew , behind where the bride and groom , and her beloved grandchildren , were to sit . They moved her back to another pew , further away , and put their witnesses , friends , in that place . SO in the wait for the bride 's party it was to these friends that my brother chatted , not mum . - no buttonhole ! I asked if there was a buttonhole for mum , as a few people were wearing a red rose . No , he said . He told mum that as they cost £ 12 each he didn 't get many . So just him , his boys and . . . the ushers ! The ushers got a flower but not the mother of the groom ! - next mum fell went getting out of the box pew . I was in the Ladies ' loo at the time , when I came back there was just her and luvbug at the top of the church . They explained what had happened . Had my brother known ? Yes , he did . Was he there ? No . Luvbug took care of her , though . - Mum , Luvbug and I waited at the top of the church a bit late while they had official photo 's taken . Mum was waiting to be called . But they never called her . All packed up and finished , they let . Mum was so upset . I went after them and asked my brother , what about a photo with mum ? - She is upset , she wanted to be in a photo ! His reply was something like , " Oh I suppose so , yeah maybe we should , I 'll get the photographers . . . . " We were the only people from this side of the family there , we knew no one else . SO it was particularly difficult . We 'd hope my Aunt Pat and 2 cousins would be there , we would all have enjoyed meeting up again . But my brother had invited my aunt and not my cousins , so the invitation was turned down - my cousins felt hurt and besides , my aunt and uncle unable to drive a long way , the cousins were needed to get them there ! Oh well . . . . back to the door of the hotel - my brother and I got into a shouting match only some of which I remember , but I do remember him shouting in my face that I have always treated him like shit . WHAT the ? ? HOW ? ? ? There is more , a lot more , but the bottom line is that I felt that the bride had no business pulling me up at that moment anyway , and certainly could not judge me , as she didn 't know how hard things were . All she would say to my explanations is that it didn 't matter and that I should put my brother first . She went on to say I had not said congratulations to them and blah blah . . . . not that they had come over to the three of us , leaving us on our own , and not even thinking to include us in the photo 's until I chased after them ! We had brought cards and gifts . . . . . not congratulations enough . . . . ' Are you glad we 're married , because you haven 't said so ! ' she said . This put me as piggy in the middle as I knew that my brother had told me , when Steph had booked the date , that he would rather spend the money on getting a decent car that didn 't keep breaking down . As far as we knew , this was her big idea , not his . So hard to congratulate him really , when we felt more sympathy for him . . . I sent a long email to them this morning giving my side of what happened and how things escalalted etc . Luvbug went over it with me to make sure I wasn 't emotive or angry in it . . . . I doubt it will be read but hey ho . I wish the whole day had not happened in a week when I have been worse than ever . At a better time who knows , I may have been able to pull it off . I feel a total failure that I didn 't , a fool , embarrassed as guests must have heard us , I feel bad that mum had to leave early because of it all , I feel wretched about not being able to be normal , and confused as to whether to hate all of me or just my bloody head . . . suicide was breathly a suitable solution today , but a sleep and a hug from Luvbug , I am now bruised and battered , but ok to go out to the Xmas fair with mum in town . . . . . I feel I have been hit by a truck . . . . I would love to hear your opinion good or bad , I need other perspectives maybe , I need to know I 'm not the biggest shit around - or am I ? the worst sister ? I am utterly amazed that Luvbug still loves me today . I feel at best crabby , snappy , impatient and tearful , and at worst I feel like I 'm having a breakdown : spinning thoughts , uncontrollable thoughts going places I don 't want them to go , little sleep and what there is is filled with surreal dreams . It feels like my head is full of barbed wire . Cutting myself again the other day , a way to stop the traffic in my head . I hate being in rooms full of people I don 't know . I can 't handle it . And the idea of being in a church again makes me feel physically sick . Tonight he told me the service will be about an hour - ? ? ? I asked if there were emergency exits down each side ! I don 't want to go . My head is hellish . I am an inch away from a panic attack . And I STILL have to take care of mum . Today I was in town with her early again trying to get her something to wear for tomorrow . Finally she bought a black skirt , then fretted about the price for hours . Then I finished taking up the sleeves of her jacket . . . Well she is having none of it . I have to go to support my brother , you see . Like I always must . I must support my elder siblings , my younger brother . . . I am left asking myself , what about ME ? When does what I need count ? Stuff how bad I feel , I have to support my brother whose promise of inviting my mum up for a weekend each month to give us a break has amounted to three weekends in 21 months Now I 'm just rambling , I know . But there is no one to talk to . Even the emergency line at the therapy place I go to is engaged ! Bottom line - I am here to support my eldest brother , despite the abuse he put me through when I was little - I am also here to support my second eldest as he goes through his second wedding , even though I feel like I 'm falling apart - I am to support my little brother , the one in Mexico , and glean info from him from his tiny emails for mum because she worries and he can 't be arsed to call her or write to her - and according to mum , I am also here to cook Kevin 's meals ( the shock horror on her face when I give her a meal and there is nothing for Kevin because we will eat later . Where 's Kevin 's ? or the time she was halfway to the kitchen and said - ' Oh ! I was going to make Kevin a cup of tea , but that 's your job really isn 't it ? ' ) That 's it , my role . Support everyone else around me and just accept that they either don 't give a flying monkey 's that I 'm ill or - more likely - they simply don 't believe that I am . Luvbug the exception to the rule of course , but to the others it is ' oh ' get on with it ' . Will I go to the wedding ? More than likely . After all , at 44 who am I to have a choice . This is why my head is full of barbed wire . It is being crushed , shrunk . I am screaming out for a break and no one can hear me . Thank goodness for Scooter . My fur confidante . I feel I have no one in the world . I have lived here 8 years and made no friends . I am shrinking inside . Do you know , we didn 't even get an invite ? They gave one to mum and added ' plus Helena and Kevin ' . Or ' plus carer and driver ' . It wouldn 't be fair for Luvbug to take her on his own and face all those strangers . I know he means it when he offers , but it is too much to ask . If I don 't go no one will accept why . Since my first major depression at 13 , and my first suicide attempt - induced coma at 14 , well , it 's all just for attention isn 't it , is what they think . Mum even said it to me when I got out of hospital that time . How ironic that I 'm the one left with her care now . My elder brother gets married next Saturday . It 's his second marriage . They 've been together about 15 years and have two kids . Now , after suddenly becoming a Christian , his former atheist ' you 're an idiot to believe in anything ' partner wants a wedding . And so it 's booked for 10th December . I avoid get togethers like the plague . The last party I went to was a schoolfriend 's 14th . The last wedding I went to was my brother 's first one , 20 years ago . I left after the photo 's . You can keep speeches , small talk with strangers , lukewarm food and loud music that no one would normally stay in the same room with . But this time there is no getting out of it . Or as Mum so succinctly put it - " Well , they 're expecting you up there , and I 'm going , so you 've got to take me . " Well that 's told me , then , hasn 't it ? Nothing like being 44 and under your mother 's orders . And it started about 6 weeks ago - the trial of trying to get mum something to wear . She wants to go shopping for clothes at least three times a week . No matter how slowly I walk for her , she slopes along three steps behind me . I try to keep my chin up and smile . Like today ; " OK , what sort of top would you like ? " " Don 't know . " Ever tried to find a short , straight navy skirt in the run up to Christmas ? There aren 't any . Anything with just the main colour being navy ? You know , a pattern , whatever , doesn 't matter ? No . Everything not snazzy enough for a Christmas party has gone into storage and store assistants look up begrudgingly from conversation , mobile phone texts and magazines to tell me " Oh , well , if we did have that it would be out on the rail . " Occasionally over the last month and a half I have found items of clothing that would work . Usually mum just screw her nose up at them and walks off , or makes a sarcastic comment , or laugh derisively as though to say , " you like THAT ? Oh my God ! What 's WRONG with you ? " It would be easier if she actually looked . But I look , she just wanders behind me . Then stands there , like a reluctant child in the summer holidays , being forced to shop for school uniform . But it is HER idea to come into town and look . Then once there it 's all onto me . ( Then I find a white shirt , long sleeve - previous short sleeved selections have not past the wrinkled nose test . This shirt has a slim pin stripe in it , and in the stripes are flowers . Nice . Smart . Warm . Feminine . ) Ooo how about this ? - I say , bringing her the shirt . Get to changing rooms . Mum has a go at the assistant , saying that there are no skirts . Assistant reels off a list of other shops we should try , which we have already tried . I tell her this , and she doesn 't believe me . She particularly doesn 't believe that M & S have nothing suitable . The last thing I need is shop staff telling me to look harder . ( It isn 't . ) Erm , no , no it isn 't . But you could always wear your silky blue scarf around your neck if you fel cold . " - Screws up nose . Then agrees , as she likes the pattern and the material . Victory ! ! On the way out of the changing area the assistant asks , " OK ? " - " It 's too low . You can see me vest . " " Uhm , what if you wore a light scarf with it , ma ' am ? " - " No . I need it higher . And buttons . A few buttons up the top . " " Shall I go and get that shirt , then ? " I text my brother , telling him of yet another fruitless afternoon shopping for Mum to get something for his bloody wedding . I am already cross with him because his promise to " take mum off your hands for one weekend a month " didn 't come through for November , and won 't for December either . Next chance I get of a day to myself is mid January . I tell him she might come to the wedding in jeans . He texts back that jeans are ok , so long as she has a matching hat . By far the very BEST thing about drinking just a little too much brandy is the warm toe effect . How much have I drunk ? Em , let 's just say I have exTREMEly warm toes . well as I 'm sitting here . . . er , sloping here . . . I thought I 'd FINALLY load up pictures of some cards I produced in the summer . I was so busy I never got around to doing this . . . sorry ! Lastly , Luvbug 's sister had a big birthday this year ( I shan 't say how big ) and this is the card we sent . Luvbug isn 't a fan of decoupage . I find it soooo relaxing to do though , and so long as you fancy it up a wee bit it can still be artistic , IMHO . I did a crohet border on this one , which took a TINY crochet needle , so thin you could use it as a bookmark ! ! ! Boy , I must have been feeling extra patient ! : Ah well Scooter has woken up for his midnight ( ish ) snack . I think I 'll give him some of the pork we had left over from Sunday lunch . HE LOVES pork . But have you ever seen it as a flavour of cat food ? - Never ! This is quite worrying - first , it means they aren 't providing a flavour that cats apparently love , and second , it may mean that the reason is cos they use EVERY part of the porker for US ! Now THERE ' S a sobering thought if ever I needed one ! Posted by What I 'm hearing is fairly ordinary stuff . In a way this makes it more difficult - if you 're hearing weirdy spooky voices and whispers or lions roaring under your bed , you can just tell yourself ' No way was that real ! ' and tell it to shut the F * * * up . But it isn 't that easy if what you 're hearing is cats meowing - when Scooter is fast asleep ; or Luvbug coming home from work in the middle of the day , like I heard him do today , except when I went to greet him he wasn 't there . Over the last week I have heard cats coming in and out of the catflap while Scoot is asleep next to me ( we 've checked ; no strays coming in ) . I 've heard a cat meowing downstairs while I 've been upstairs in the bath , but Scooter is asleep down there and Luvbug is with him . I 've heard chairs being moved , dragged across the kitchen floor , yet they remain in their original spot . I 've heard the oven on , then gone to investigate , thinking that I must have forgotten I was cooking something . . . but no , when I get there the noise of the fan stops . I 've heard kitchen utensils moving and cupboards being closed , and invisible mail noisily comes through the letterbox . It 's all normal stuff so I have to go and investigate , make sure . If it were ghouls I could just tell them they don 't exist , and so f * * * outta here will ya , and all from the comfort of my chair or bed ! Trust me to get the hallucinations that make ' sense ' . Bleagh . * * * *** *** *** *** *** *** *** * * * I 'm trying to design a lino cut to make my Christmas cards from this year . Coming up with the design is harder than I ever imagined it would be ! If I have your address you 'll be on the list to get one um , eventually ! If you 've moved since last Xmas let me know your new address ! To be happy when all around you is misery and grump and criticism is very tiring . Stuff it . I 'll have a long hot bath full of bubbles , a good book , and a sip of brandy . Then a nap on my own . And later , some time with Scooter . I didn 't think he would still me with me today , I really didn 't think he 'd make it . He is my best birthday present of all and I love him . Phew ! Well the vet wasn 't too panicked by Scooter 's bloody poo . She said that it could be quite common for dogs and cats to have this if they have had a bad tummy upset , and he is really in the ' looks like coloured water ' category lately , so that 's a BIG upset . It might be that after so many kinds of medicine lately , he might have some ulceration inside : ( ALSO discovered that I might not have helped - as getting his tablets down him has been so difficult , I 've been grinding them up and hiding them altogether in a bit of mushy food , then syringing this into his mouth . I just asked the vet if it was ok to give them altogether like this , and she said that there was one that I SHOULDN ' T BE GRINDING UP at all . The one he has for his thyroid has a protective coating and needs to be digested slowly . . . . . . oh dear . I 'm sorry , Scoob ! He hadn 't taken it for days and I was desperate to get it inside him . It 's from that day that he 's had the runny poos . Yesterday we had another day of him not eating much . But he did enjoy more time in the sun . Me and Luvbug sneaked out to a charity book fair , where , after a few hours , we amassed 3 carrier bags ' full of books . When we got back , Scooter was on a garden chair and when Luvbug went out to say hello , Scooter stepped up and put his front paws on the table and stretched up to greet him . Awww he really does love his lapdaddy ! * * * *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** * * * This weekend Mum has gone to my brother 's . Insert cheer here . It was touch and go as he said he might not make it cos his car was in the garage again . He did have a hired car , so I didn 't really get why he couldn 't commit . Hmmm . Mum was disappointed and said , " It 's a break for me , you see . " I had to bite my tongue and try not to laugh - a break for HER ? ! ! ! LOL ! Well at least I 'm glad she sees it this way . I 'd hate for her to think she 's being dumped somewhere against her will and then sitting there missing us . More fish is on the hob for Scoob . He has had a nibble at his dry food today for the first time in over a week and a half . That 's a good sign ( touch wood now ! ) This time last week I was on my way to London to meet Andrea of Found Art fame . I should have blogged about this sooner ! I forgot my camera : ( We went to a huge art shop , where I bought some stuff to do lino cutting . I 'd like my Xmas card this year to be a lino print . Then we had a lovely lunch and a ride on the top of a London bus , seeing lots of the famous places . Andrea gave me an early birthday present . She had gone all the way to Harrods to find them - genuine little macarroons from Paris . WOW ! Thanks again for these , and for a great day , Andrea ! We had to nip out in the afternoon to take Mum for a check up . I gave him a hot water bottle and left him dozing , but we all forgot that it would get dark by the time we were back , and forgot to leave a light on for him . Well , when we came in he sat up on his desk and meowed us a good telling off ! This morning , though , he suddenly looked very thin . He has always been a big fella . I remember one vet saying , as Scoot got out of his basket years ago , " Gosh , he 's a big brute , isn 't he ? ! " It is strange to see his tummy tuck well in behind his hips , to feel his spine and even a hint of rib when I stroke him . How can you lose weight so quickly ? On the other hand , after nearly a week of runny poos maybe he could have something like piles ! Not sure what they 'll do today , maybe a blood test ? I even scooped a little of the poo into a plastic box for the vet . OMG there is poo in my fridge ! ! ! ! Well since that , he has eaten again . He has had steamed white fish and water . He and I sat on a blanket in the sun for a while , too . He loves the sunshine so much . His black fur gets warm so quickly ! Today , he has had some special smelly mush from the vet ( Hill 's A / D ) - about a quarter of the tin with his medicine hidden inside , and then Luvbug made him a fishy soup from tuna and warm water , which he lapped up . Scoot is now on ' his ' chair , on top of a fluffy sheet and hot water bottle , sleeping it all off . He 's quiet , no snorting , just the occasional snore : ) I could say goodbye , then hand him over for the trip to the hospital and hope that it isn 't really goodbye . But then he gets to be stressed and scared , driven away with strangers , handled by strangers in strange rooms . If he doesn 't come out of that alive , it 's a horrible last few hours to have . Luvbug says Scooter looks for me if I 'm out or even upstairs too long . And when I 'm alone with him he looks for Luvbug and his Granny . So he might feel abandoned , scared and confused . Just have to try not to think ahead . Just give him what he needs for now , this moment . Does his hot water bottle need refilling ? Would he like a scrunch under the chin ? Must try to think no further than this , and we 'll get through the next week or two , more if we are very lucky . . . . . Yesterday , Scooter was so sociable ! He was going tap - tap - tap with his paw like he used to , tapping for attention or to tell us where exactly he 'd like to be scrunched and tickled . When I hung out the washing , he had his head in the peg bag , investigating . Then he was pawing the washing and lying across my feet . Later , he meowed through the open door , demanding someone come out and pay him due attention . I took a blanket out and stretched it on the grass in the sun . There , for nearly an hour , I was making a fuss of him , and he was stretching out on his side , purring and rolling over onto the back of his head . Then he lay on the garden table . I sat with him , and he decided he wanted to be IN my cardigan the same time as me . He tugged at the fabric and then patted it down so he could sit on it . I was stuck for quite some time till I managed to get my arms out , making a little tent for us , at which point Luvbug took this photo of us . This morning he is purring quietly . That snorting that had been a problem for weeks has gone . But he doesn 't seem able to close his mouth , or maybe it is that he is breathing through it . One side of his nose is very runny , with gluey , blood - stained mucus . He won 't eat or drink . And he has taken to sleeping in his litter tray , which he doesn 't usually use ; I have a clean one there ' just in case ' for him , but he always prefers to go out to his patch in the garden . So strange that he is suddenly asleep in his tray . . . . . Vet appointment is 4 . 40pm . I just keep thinking how Fluffy took to sleeping in her tray near the end . And I can 't tempt him to eat or drink . . . . I 've got his medicine down him by grinding it down , adding it to some creamy food and squirting it into his mouth . It took him by surprise but then he sat there lipping his lips . I think he liked it in the end . It has helped a wee bit , maybe . But him being asleep in the tray is like a ' this is it ' sign to me . . . . . . any thoughts from the cat people out there ? ? Meanwhile I have to pull myself together as I have an appointment with an ENT consultant myself this afternoon , about my hearing loss . It has taken months to get the appointment , otherwise I 'd cancel it and stay with Scoot . Posted by The symptoms seem to fit quite well , especially the chronic sneezing at the beginning , which Scooter was doing a few months ago . The idea of some growth in his throat fits too - the noise he is almost constantly making is like he is trying to clear his throat of something . And he snores , too . I 'll mention this article to the vet when we see him . But with his age , and seizures , who knows if he would come through surgery ? It 's knocked me sideways , all this , simply cos I never thought of him as an old cat ! He 's so big ! Just today it 's hit me that I need to think of him as a little old man , not my cheeky little boy . I stayed on the sofa last night . Managed to sleep a couple of hours . Made a fuss of Scooter , whose sinus problem was having a noisy stage . When Kevin got up for work I gave Scooter his morning meds in a piece of raw pork , then kissed K ' have a nice day ' and headed for bed . I kept an eye on him out there , and as the sun moved round so I put down blankies farther and farther down the garden to catch the warm rays . Eventually the roof of the house made it impossible to keep up . Eventually he retreated to indoors again . I am saddest of all to see the summer go , especially when I see Scooter clinging to the last warm rays . He loves to lie in the sun . If only he were going into summer with this illness , not winter . The pills don 't work , not even the back up ones , so they 've been increased . I bought some brandy . But that doesn 't work either . Don 't worry I only got a small bottle . I know it 's not the answer . Just wanted a break from my head . 1am here . Off to bed I suppose . Check on Scooter . . . . . he is holding his own but not vrey animated , eating , a little . It 's harder and harder to get the pills into him . A part of me has broken deep down and said , he is going . . . . he is fading away . . . . and I fought and fought that feeling and those words till I had no strength left , like it was my strength that kept him going , and now something deep down has let go . . . I finally cleared up the conservatory , turned out two black bags of rubbish , re - filed stuff , discovered a duvet and pillow to wash and found a desk underneath it all . Hurray ! A desk in the brightest room ! A place to read , sip tea , crochet , create , in daylight . . . . . . . . . . . . er no , cos then Scooter found it . One folded quilt later and . . . . I took this one a few minutes later . He is enjoying the sun on his face . Look closely ; I 'm sure that 's a wee smile there : This evening , on my return from taking Mum out for a few hours , he seemed odd . Not quite right . Mum was making a fuss of him , still there on the table , and I don 't know what it was , but he didn 't seem quite right . Scooter wouldn 't be helped or hugged , instead he jumped down to the floor and , walking on his haunches , proceeded to sniff out a trail on a floor . He worked like a bloodhound , not lifting his head , just constantly sniffing as he went along , through and out of that room , then into and all round the next , obstacles either being ignored , whereupon he just marched on the spot , or climbed over under or through . He went through the living room , all round the edges while we moved stuff out of his way , then around the kitchen , to the back door , then back , round in circles . . . . . At first we sort of laughed , nervously , hoping that what had happened is that the catarrh had suddenly gone and now he was enjoying sniffing smells for the first time in ages ! But I wasn 't so sure . It was like he was having a manic episode . At one point he circled my legs and did a tiny ' mow ' as though to ask for help , so I lifted him up ( I 'd tried before but he 'd wrestled me away ) and held him for quite a while , whilst Mum and Luvbug talked quietly to him . He settled , relaxed , half closed his eyes after a while . . finally he was calm . Mum and I sat with him and stroked him and encouraged him to just rest . Then he was off , jumping down and over to one of his best stretching out spots . His eyes were meeting mine at last , so I felt he was back to normal . I think this was a funny turn , aka , a seizure . I wonder if this is it now , seizures on a downward slope . Maybe it isn 't cataarh , maybe it 's a tumour . The vet did hint at checking for this if the meds didn 't work , trouble is , it owuld mean knocking Scooter out , and at 18 1 / 2 yrs old , that isn 't advisable . Scooter 's latest favourite sleepy place is by the conservatory door . He is lying on - a pillow , a folded fleece cover , followed by a memory foam cushion and a furry underblanket . I said to Luvbug , it 's like that story , The Princess And The Pea . He suggested I put a cat biscuit at the bottom and see if Scoot can feel it . I 've invested in a Vicks Steam Vaporizer . You fill it with water , plug it in , and soon you have a steady stream of steam to humidify the room . I 've switched it on in ' his ' room . I 'm surprised at how it heats the room up ! I don 't know if it will help his catarrh , but I can always use it when I next get asthma - ry myself : ) Over the weekend Scooter got so much better . We were all saying how amazed we were at such a recovery ! Then on Sunday night , soon after I gave him his night dose of anti - biotic , he suddenly got worse , wheezing and snorting with every breath , unable to settle or eat . I stayed up with him till 3am . Eventually I got him to rest by continually stroking and gently pushing into the area under his chin / back of his throat . When I did this the snorting stopped . After 15 minutes or so I was able to remove my hand without the noise returning and so my poor cub got to sleep at last . 8am I was up , and the noise in his throat was back . It didn 't calm down till the afternoon . I rang the vet , desperate to know how on earth he could have gone backwards like this . He said that maybe the anti - biotic had just ' loosened a big piece of horrableness ' and now Scooter was having to deal with it , uable to cough it out or spit like we would . So on his advice I continued with the medicine . He still isn 't 100 % . But he is eating and likes being stroked . Still a bit noisy and sniffy . The decongestant is a real help , I think . I didn 't even know cats could have these and wonder why he was never given them before . Right now he is out in the October sun . I 've put one of his covers on the outdoor table and he has used the chairs as steps and got up there and stretched out . He makes my heart go " Ahhhhh . . . . " * * * *** *** *** *** *** *** * * * Here is a bit of felting . I crocheted this bag in wool and then threw it in the washing machine with some towels and hit ' hot as you like ' . It shrank , and while still wet I pulled it into shape , filled it with bubble wrap and left it to dry . The local fabric / wool shop had a competition to make a bag or a cushion , so I entered it . I knew it wouldn 't win but I just wanted to see it with all the others . That was good ! I 'm enjoying learning to crochet but have to pace myself and stop as soon as my finger joints hurt . I still can 't do a circle . That 's my next challenge : I 've found a pattern for a lovely round cushion cover . . . . . Caroline and I met at St Thomas More 's Primary School in the mid 70s . We were great friends , despite her being a year below me , meaning different peer groups and clubs etc . And of course , me leaving for secondary school before her . After I 'd left we kept in touch as penpals . Nowadays I suppose kids would swap mobile phone numbers and text each other . Exchange messages on Facebook ? But I wonder if these methods will produce a correspondence that will stand the test of time . Writing letters was fun . Getting post was exciting . And tangible letters written on best paper were kept , whereas modern messages are deleted . Well despite keeping in touch all these years , the last time we 'd actually met was 1996 ! I sent her something for her birthday last month , and she wrote back to say that she was coming to my area for a conference - and couldwe meet for lunch ? My instant response was panic , panic , panic . But here is the advantage of the faster paced correspondence - a text response was called for , and delay would send a message of coolness , would it not ? So I said yes , and worried about it afterwards . We had about 2 hours before she had to go . The weather was amazing and we ate outside among the trees in the garden of an art cafe . Lots of laughter ! This purse is made with bamboo yarn , so is really soft . I 've also done some in wool , then felted them . I hope to do more updates and show you some ! Thank you all for your purrs and purrayers for Scooter . I managed to get his medicine down him today , his snuffles and snorts seem less , and quieter , or maybe I just hopeful . He has slept most of the day away , and hasn 't eaten much . Though he did enjoy joining in with our fish ' n ' chips this evening ! THank you to everyone who sponsored me and helped me raise over £ 200 for Cancer Research ! ( sorry but no , I can 't run again this year - I 'm afraid last year 's effort wreaked my back ! ! ! It was great fun but - never again ! ! LOL ! ) |
Hey there ! Thanks for dropping by Just Call us " The Hecks " ! Take a look around and grab the RSS feed to stay updated . See you around ! Our first day we embarked on a river raft trip down the Snake River . I was all stoke for this until we actually got to the river . All of a sudden , I remembered the time I almost drown as a kid and I started getting really nervous . Not to mention that the entire boat contained young girls between the ages of 12 and 18 . Then there were four women and on guide . In my mind I kept thinking , " Shouldn 't we have at least one more guide so if I fall in someone can help me back in , while the other guides the boat ? " No , no more guides just Alex . As we started off down the calmer part of the river , Alex was good as relieving our fears and told us he hadn 't lost anyone yet . This particular sentence wasn 't very comforting because I had a doctor tell me he had never had any problems with a certain surgery and guess what … I was his first problem and nearly died . So I kept thinking to myself , I will be the first of Alex 's " losses " . I came on this trip with three of my children , one daughter and two sons . I knew two of my children were the adventurous type , but my one son really surprised me . You could get a bracelet for jumping into the river at a certain point . He actually jumped into the water . My daughter was the first on our boat , which was not surprising , to jump in and my other son … He had to do it three times . I am not sure I would have been that adventurous at their age . At one point my " safe " son was actually " riding the bull " at the front of the boat through the waves . This really surprised me . After we got on the bus , my younger " crazier " son informed me that he had ridden the bull through the lunch counter . This almost gave me a heart attack . I guess he figured it was better to do it and then ask for permission later . This kid will be the death of me . By the time we ended the trip I was really wanting more river to conquer as was most of the girls . The whole trip was designed to get us out of our comfort zone and try new things . I was definitely out of my comfort zone and would in fact do this again . It was very fun . I am an extremely jumpy and paranoid person . Because of experiences growing up , I am extremely cautious when put in some situations . A couple of weeks before coming on this trip , we had a retired police officer come and speak to the girls about being safe and how to avoid bad situations . It was very informative and added to my paranoid nature . While we were playing night games , I started to get really thirsty . I noticed a building by the football field where we were playing . I decided that I would walk over and see if there was a drinking fountain . Now it was dark and the only light came from a couple of street lights and some flashlights the kids had . When I got to the building and noticed it was restrooms , I decided I was use the facilities while there . As I approached a door to see which bathroom I was at , a voice came out of the dark asking me what we were doing . I nearly died . I couldn 't see anyone and could only tell in what direction the voice was coming from . I knew the voice was not attached to anyone I knew so I was extremely startled . I explained that we were playing capture the flag and the person asked a couple of more questions . At this point I had a few red flags going up in my head . I decided to leave the conversation and continue on to my destination … the lady 's room . When I got to the back side of the building , I started getting more and more nervous . I realized that I had just put myself in an extremely volatile situation . I was behind a building , in the dark and a stranger knew I was there and I was pretty sure that a few or anyone even knew the stranger was there . I decided to go into the bathroom anyway because at this point I really had to go and couldn 't wait . When I entered the bathroom , the light automatically came on , which kind of scared me because I was already on edge . I got in the stall and did my duty and as I was getting ready to go out of the stall , the lights went off . I nearly had a heart attack . I kid you not , I thought I was about to get involved in a smack down and no one would a hear a thing that happened . I stood there with hand on handle listening and waiting to see if I could hear anything . After a couple of minutes had passed , I knew I couldn 't stay in the stall all night and that I had to come out . I slowly opened the door and tried to look in the dark for any movement . Because the stall door next to me was opened , it blocked any dim view I had of the exit . I stood there for what seemed an eternity before I finally shoved the stall door next to me hoping that if someone was on the other side of it , I would knock them out on impact . After the door stopped swinging , I listened for noise and didn 't hear anything , so I decided to head for the exit . I took about four steps when the light came on . I stood there with a deer in the headlight look thinking I was going to see the perp in front of me who had shut off the light , but there was no one . After my heart slowed to 300 bm I realized it was possible that the lights were automatic in some way . This did not remove the fear I was feeling . I stood with hand on the exit door handle for about five minutes trying to figure out what I should do . Do I slowly open the door and look side to side or do I just bust out like the flippin ' john was on fire . I came to the conclusion that if someone was out there , they would be surprised by my bolting out of there and thus giving me an upper hand . I later found out that this guy ending up being obnoxious and thus ending the kids ' night of fun . Which confirmed my suspicions of the guy to begin with . I shook for quite a while afterwards . The next day of our adventures took us to a ropes course at in the middle of nowhere in Idaho . Here we would be facing our fears on a rock wall and zip line . I was really stoked for this and thought it would be fun . When we arrived , I soon noticed how secluded it was and how some of the trails were hard to see . Now we had been seeing bear warning signs along the road , so in the back of my mind there was a small thought of perhaps running into one . As we were walking along this trail to a hidden pavilion , all of a sudden I see a giant brown head . I nearly dropped dead right there until I realized it was a brown lab . I told myself what a stupid idiot I was to get so scared and the chances of seeing a bear would be slim to none . Well that fear was intensified when the advisors of the course told us that a black bear had just come through there earlier that morning . Geez ! Are you kidding me ? Now to add to the anxiety of the zip line , I was freaked out over seeing a bear . My mother 's cousin was mauled by a bear in Alaska and the story was published in a book . I had been reading this book earlier this year and decided that I would never come within 100 yards of an Alder bush . This whole book was about grizzly bears coming out of Alder bushes . When we finally got to the rock wall , I was nervous but I had done a rock wall a couple of times before so it wasn 't too bad . It was when I got to the top and realized that the only way down was the zip line . I don 't know how I had ever talked myself into this , but me and heights have never been bff 's and it wasn 't about to start this day either . I stood there in almost a frozen fear of how high I was and how it was intended for me to get down . I shook as the advisor hooked me up to the zip line , thinking how stupid I was to agree to this . We were at least 30 feet in the air and one had to walk out on this plank that was no wider than 2 feet and perhaps 2 1 / 2 long . It looked like 4 inches square from where I was standing . I climbed out on the plank holding on to the telephone pole behind me like a stinkin ' cat . I stood there with everyone cheering me on and trying to get up the nerve to go . I just could not get myself to jump . I kept telling myself to do it and just get it over with , but I couldn 't . Then I looked below and there stood my two sons , yelling at me " You can do it Mom ! " . I knew at this point , I had to jump . They had to see that their mother was not a wuss . I truly believe I passed out on the jump because it was a blur and then I am pretty sure I woke up the entire community of Driggs from my scream . I screamed , and screamed and screamed . Was it fun ? In a sick sort of way . Would I do it again ? Not entirely sure . As we were leaving the course to go to the cars , it was getting dark and I realized I was on a trail that was surrounded by what looked like Alder bushes . I nearly plowed over those in front of me trying to get to the cars . If there was anything that scared me more than that dang zip line , it would be something coming out of those bushes and getting me . So did I face my fears ? I felt like I was the entire trip . Do I think I handled them well ? Perhaps some of them , others not so much so . Home remodeling is not for wusses . During my growing up years , there is only a couple of houses that I recall not being involved in a remodeling job of some sort . My mother had this innate ability to take something ugly and make it beautiful . I remember one particular house that I went with them to look at . I remember walking into this four walled container of fecal matter and telling my parents that I would not move into that house if they decided to buy it . It seriously looked like someone had urinated on the walls or something in the front room . The toilet was so disgusting . The house smelled horrible . My parents bought the house because they got a great deal on it . I moved in kicking and screaming . The house did have to be cleaned up before we moved in which helped a little bit . When my mother was done with it , it was beautiful home . I will be the first to tell you that I hate remodeling . Mostly because I hate things being in chaos and it would eventually lead to not having a bathroom in the middle of winter . Utah winters in the past were not kind . You would sometimes have to plow a walkway to the car through 3 - 4 feet of snow . This year it has been 3 - 4 inches . When my grandmother passed away , the doctors did not want my grandfather living alone . He was pretty feeble . So my mother and father sold our home and we moved into my grandfather 's house . It was a two bedroom , 1 bathroom home . There were 5 of us . My parents made do until we could remodel the home to have 3 more bedrooms and a bathroom . See , I told you all remodeling leads to being without plumbing at one point and time . This remodel job started in the summer and went into the winter . My grandfather had a greenhouse that he had made that was in his backyard about 200 feet away from the house . When it came time to install the new toilet , shower and sink , the water had to be shut off to the bathroom . My father built us a porta - potty of sorts in the greenhouse for privacy . Unfortunately it was in the winter and we had a lot of snow . I remember a few mornings making the trip out to the greenhouse dreading the frostbite I was getting braced to receive . This makes you pretty tough . I am about to " out " my mother on this and may she forgive me . I did not understand her situation then like I do now that I have had four children . The birth of children seriously damages anything related to the bladder and the lack of control thereof . Did not understand this at that time . I am a lot more sympathetic of her situation now . One particular morning when our bathroom was still located in the great outdoors , she woke up and had to go out to the " greenhouse " . She realized as she got up that she had to go pretty bad and wasn 't sure if she was going to make it . She had a pretty steep flight of stairs to go down and realized when she got to the bottom that there was no way she was going to make it without having an " accident " . So she made an executive decision to just step off to the side of the steps and go . She hit a patch of ice which caused her to go down along with her pants . Even now , 25 years later , I still laugh at the picture this paints in my mind . I envision Bambi when he first stepped on ice . Now thank goodness Google wasn 't around to do a drive by " shooting " . I would hate to find her on a Google map search somewhere . I could not stop laughing that entire day . I had graduated from high school and was at home so I was stuck there painting all day . When it would get quiet … you know the 7 minute lull … . I would envision my poor mother in her predicament and start laughing . She would just look at me and give me that " I know what you are thinking about look " and then proceed to tell me that she wishes she would have never told me what happened . Well today I almost had the same experience she did , only I kept my pants on and ice was not involved . The first house my husband and I lived in had to be completely remodeled for it to be livable . I decided after the 10 years of that that I would never remodel again . I will paint , but I won 't tear the entire house apart . So for the last couple of months , I have been giving my walls a fresh coat of paint after 7 years . Today I decided that my children 's bathroom needed a new look . I have unfortunately been smacked with the short stump and am at a huge disadvantage at reaching ceilings , let a lone vaulted ceilings . I have not to this day spent money on a step - ladder . That is probably why I have nearly died a few times . Today I had the can of paint on the bathroom sink and I was standing on the side of the tub trying to paint around the ceiling . I had a chair in between me and the sink so I could just step around to make things easier . I stepped on the chair with one foot to reach the paint can and for some reason the chair slid , thus causing me to do the splits . I am sure even when I was a baby that I could not do the splits . I am not genetically built for them . My sister tried forcing me once which , quite frankly , I was lucky I could still have children afterwards . Anyway , as the chair slid I felt the muscles pulling in places that no woman wants muscles pulling . My daughter and husband was on the other side of the house discussing bikes and handlebar tape . I yelled for help , groaned for help , prayed for help . No one came . I managed to grab on to something and get myself pulled back together . I had a flashback to when I was 24 months pregnant with my youngest son ( not really , but it felt like 24 months ) , I went to kick a ball and missed . Couldn 't walk for weeks from a pulled groin . I do not think that I will be walking the same after today . There is something about pulling the groin muscle that just messing everything up . I nearly crawled into the kitchen to where the beloved family with hearing problems were . No comments like , " sorry , we didn 't hear you " or " are you OK " . All I got was laughter . It haunted my ears as I am sure it did my mothers years ago . Why did I even tell them . Everything you do as a teen comes back to haunt you as a parent . At least I was within the privacy of four walls and my pants were stretchy . I am not sure there is one woman on this planet who enjoys cleaning a toilet . If there is I would like to meet them . Yet , to have to clean something so disgusting is far better than not having one at all . At least during the flu season . The family Christmas party was held just days before Christmas . We have about 70 plus now in the extended family , but I believe at that time there were probably only 60 something and of those sixty I believe only 35 of us were there . My husband and kids and I always have a Christmas Eve party . I planned big , we had Chinese food and all kinds of goodies . It was great fun until later that night one of my kids complained of not feeling well . I hoped that it was just something passing so that their Christmas would not be ruined . By the time we went to bed three children were sick . We started dropping like flies people . Christmas morning welcomed the entire family having the flu . The worst Christmas ever . We barely managed to get packages opened between trips to the bathroom . Most of us laid and moaned all day . I began to wonder if some of my cooking had given us all food poisoning , until I started calling around and getting calls from the family . What we realized is that within a five - day period 26 of the 35 people had the flu . It nearly took out the entire family . We then thought that perhaps we ate something at the party that gave us food poisoning . We could not find a common denominator . I do believe to this date nothing has made me sicker except for morning sickness . When every Christmas rolls around at least one child tells me that they never want to see Chinese food again . It is not what made everyone sick , but everyone remembers what it is like revisiting that meal over and over again . I have always been one that hardly ever throws up . I remember the few times I have it has been with a migraine combined with motion sickness . Other than that , morning sickness with my first child for 5 months was the only puking I have done . Up until this Christmas day , I had not thrown up for 15 years . I broke that record and made up for all those years in 6 days . None of us could eat for about two weeks . It was horrible . I bring this up because I think there should be laws that only person can get the flu at a time in a family . I don 't know who to talk to about this , but it is unfair for a mother to have to deal with . I came to this conclusion last night while I was up most of the night with two sons suffering from the flu . It is going on three days now and neither one of them has slept for the last two nights because of the attachment they have with " John " . I breathe a sign of relief that we made it past Christmas before this hit , but now I await to see how many of us get it . Unfortunately when Mom gets sick I still have to be mom . No quitting for me . I am keeping my distance and crossing my fingers . Many things combine to make me start feeling this way . First of all it turns off cold . I hate the cold . It is pretty sad when the only things you want for Christmas are things that will keep you warm like warm slippers , onsie PJ 's and an electric blanket . I can 't use these things any other time of the year but winter . It sucks ! A guy came into school a couple of days ago needing a website made . There are three of us that will be working on it . Two of us were at school yesterday and the proposal had to be put together . I was the guinea pig because I was the only one that new Excel . This was the first big thing I have had to do since being in school . I was stress out because it had to be done yesterday . After about 2 hours of putting it together , when I finally finished I realized that I had to go to the bathroom like yesterday . I don 't know if I am the only one like that or other people are , but when I am so into something I forget what is going on around me . I decided I should run up the hall and " relieve my waters " before getting on with some of my other work . Because I had been so stressed out , I wasn 't thinking clearly and before you know it I found myself standing in the men 's bathroom . I hadn 't even noticed the different colored floor until it was too late . I can only imagine the look of horror on my face when I realized what I had done . I turned and hauled my butt out of there faster than you can say , " Bob 's your uncle " . I didn 't look behind me to see if I had been seen coming out of there like there was a fire . I told myself … . . " It 's starting " I won 't be myself again until January . I know a lot of people have seen the website " The People of Wal - Mart " . I have lived " The People of Wal - Mart " . The things I have seen in this store …… My children make me laugh all the time . Somethings I probably shouldn 't laugh at . I try hard not to , but sometimes the things they say just come from out of nowhere without any type of warning they are coming . Take for instance one day we were at our local Wal - Mart and there was gal wearing a pair of sweats with " PINK " stamped across the butt . All of a sudden my kids were laughing extremely loud and uncontrollably . To this day no one will admit who it was that noticed this first , but this girl had a serious wedgy . Unfortunately for her , the " N " in the word " PINK " was stuck in the wedgy thus creating the new word " PIK " . At this point we had to quickly move to another area of the store before dying of laughter in front of the poor girl . I wanted to help , but it was complicated . Then there was the day that we were in the food department and some people were there with their dog . If this dog was a " service " dog , it was not marked in any way . It was a Labrador . I happened to look out of the corner of my eye and noticed that the couple had stopped and the lady was walking back down to where they had previously been . I know this because as in the story of Hansel and Gretel … their dog had left a trail of dog poop to find its way back to the meat department . This was messed up on many levels and in fact , I could not make myself buy any food . I had to leave . Just wrong … just wrong . Another Wal - Mart moment was walking past the checkout and my son starts laughing . I couldn 't hear him , but I could feel him bumping up against me . I turned to see what the heck was going on and he pointed in the other direction … . If there was a plumber 's crack olympics … . hands down this guy would have taken the gold . I ask myself … " Can they not feel the draft ? " I remember seeing a woman one day that baffles me still to this day . I cannot for the life of me figure out how this woman got her hair to do what it was doing . It was standing up straight like a buzz cut only the hair was longer than what a buzz would have been and the ends were grouped in small bunches and had a small curl on top . It was the weirdest hair do I have ever seen . One of the most disturbing things I have ever seen , that may have actually warranted a call to the " Perv " cops . My son and I were shopping for some socks in the men 's department . We happened over toward an area where there were belts , etc . and there stood this guy wearing a pair of shorts , he had removed his shirt and was looking around suspiciously . He actually looked like he had started removing his shorts . I thought for sure that my son and I were going to get exposed to something that we didn 't want to see , so I turned grabbing my kid and headed the opposite direction as fast as I could . This one still disturbs me to this day . Then one day , I got run over by a lady who was driving one of those motorized carts . It wouldn 't have been so bad except that she didn 't say sorry or anything . She was not looking at all where she was going . Glad I didn 't go all the way down to the ground . That would have been awkward . Some people should have to take a course before getting into one of these . Then there was the day that a kid perhaps 9 years old came ripping through the ladies department on one of those carts going as fast as he could while laughing and looking behind him . Soon his sister appeared yelling at him that " Mom was going to kill him if he didn 't stop and return the cart . That was a moment that I thought , " I am so glad that is not my son " . All I can learn from all of these experiences is that I have spent waaayyy too much time at Wal - Mart . I am near having to pay my children to go to that store with me . They all hate it . If you think that you are weird in any way , go to Wal - Mart you will soon find that you are not as weird as you might think or perhaps you are not alone in this vast world of odd ducks . Have you ever had one of those weeks …… ? This has been my " one of those weeks " . So we have been planning for over a month now to go to our local amusement park . This was going to be the " Big " outing for the summer . The kids were so excited because we haven 't done anything " fun " for a while . A week ago last Friday , my daughter comes in and tells me that she is not feeling well . She has been under a lot of stress , so I thought perhaps that she would get better . For the last few Sunday 's I have been playing the piano for her and three other kids to sing for different congregations for our church . Sunday was to be the last Sunday . I got up early and was getting ready when she came in and started talking to me . All of a sudden she said , " I really don 't feel good " . I looked over at her to literally see the color drain out of her face . She ran to the bathroom immediately . Panic started sitting in . I had approximately 30 minutes to get to the church and now I was looking at having to play the piano and sing my daughter 's part at the same time which was alto and which I had never sang before . She frantically called someone and to no avail , we had no other options . Then miraculously , a girl called that she had been trying to get for a couple of weeks and said she could play the piano . This was great , but we weren 't sure she would make it on time . I " crammed for the exam " and hoped that I would not hit any wrong notes . We got to the church and finally about 5 minutes after the meeting started , all parties involved in the song made it . I was greatly relieved , although I was starting to have side effects from the stress of the morning which continued throughout the day . My daughter was still sick come Tuesday . At this point , I was wondering what was going on . Wednesday morning , I saw my husband only as he was shutting the bathroom door . He had been puking all night at work and was very sick . I am beginning to wonder at this point if we were going to make it to the family outing . One of my sons had been sick with a bad cold for a few days , he went ice skating Friday night and when I picked him up , he informed me that he had just puked . This was yesterday . Today was our family outing . Well , to follow the vicious cycle of the flu , I started getting sick Friday night and was not well Saturday morning . At this point , three of the six of us are sick . We can 't refund the tickets and I didn 't want them to go to waste . I told my two healthy children and my husband to go ahead and go . They reluctantly left the sick and the afflicted at home . Everyone near tears because it just wasn 't the same . The three of us laid around the TV moaning and groaning and then we get a call about two hours later . When the other half of the family arrived at the amusement park , my son decided to free jump a small fence and missed . Needless to say , he left his DNA all over the sidewalk and had to spend time in the first aid office for them to check to see if the nose was broke . Which , it is still undetermined . When the swelling goes down , perhaps then we will be able to tell . As I sat there pondering how the week before our " summer getaway " had gone , I was nearly brought to tears . We have had a few family outings like this . I am wondering if it is a sign or something . Perhaps planning ahead is not the best plan . Some plans just go that way and we just have to find the silver lining in the bad . Right now that lining is looking very ugly . Kind of like the toilet bowl that I have been spending so much time with lately . I think I can safely say , that the bathrooms are the most hated AND loved rooms in the house . This will be the plaque I hang on the wall , " Bring a cot , stay awhile " . This week has to go better . Just read an article about a 13 year old Ohio boy suspended from the bus for farting . After I stopped laughing uncontrollably , I read on . He is accused of being a " repeat offender " and that is why the action was taken against him . Has society gotten to this really ? I am all for manners and not doing this sort of thing in public . I also know that this is typical of the male species . My mother - in - law used to tell my husband that he would have to marry someone extremely patient because of his " gas " . I learned this lesson at a small intimate party that we had with some associates . These weren 't people I could call really close friends at the time , so this was very embarassing . We were all sitting on the floor talking when my husband let one lose and didn 't miss a second talking . I am sure I went 20 shades of red and I had to keep repressing the thought of wanting to kill him after everyone left . Instead I opted for a 20 minutes lecture on why that was embarassing and why he chose that particular time to do that . Sometimes I think that farting is man 's last ditch effort at making one laugh after all else has failed . My husband tells me , " I can 't keep it in , it will kill me " . O . K . fine , but do you have to share your " life saving " experiences with everyone within 20 feet . I think that women can contemplate this for many years and never find a solution to making men understand that it isn 't as funny as they think it is . Then there was the time that some man left a memory of their life saving experience in the aisle of the grocery store . I think I entered the realm of smell about 1 minute after his hasty exit . Not funny ! It smelled so bad that I had to leave the aisle . I also did not want to get blamed for that one since I was the only one there at that time . That is worse than being the actual perpetrator . I can think of so many more things that kids should be kicked off the bus for . I won 't list them , but I do have a long list but as annoying as this may be it is a natural bodily function that has to happen . How you handle that dictates your character for centuries to come . I remember a kid at school that used to do this all the time . He was nicknamed " ……… Everfart " . I didn 't use his first name to protect his identity . Everytime I see this guy , that is the name I think of . So if this boy wants to go down in the school bus annuals of being the dude that can fart at the drop of a dime , then I guess he will wear that stigma for the rest of his life ; but I would have to say there are much worse things that a boy could do . Much worse ! Well that happened to me today . We went to my sister 's house . This town is boring . Sorry sister , but it is boring . I think they have one restaurant , one fast food joint , one gas station and one car repair shop . The restaurant is a little Mexican food restaurant and many times we have joked within our own family how that we would not want to use the restroom in a mexican food restaurant . I am sure you could guess that reasoning behind this . I wouldn 't even want to be seated anywhere near the restrooms . Today while passing this little restaurant , I saw a truck parked in the parking lot that was painted bright yellow . The color is what caught my attention . Then I read the writing on the truck . It was a septic tank pumping truck and the business was called " The Stool Bus " . We almost went off the road we were laughing so hard . Then I asked my kids , what would possess someone to name their business something like that . Of course , I am from New Mexico the business is out of New Mexico and so my children told me that that explained a lot . I guess some might call this " creative advertising " . I guess so , that truck will ever be branded into my mind . I will be laughing about that for days to come . Pretty sure I won 't forget that name of that business for awhile . Give the ad man a raise ! I was at our local Walmart grabbing some cheese . I happened to notice a couple just up from me across from the meat . They caught my attention because they had a lab with them . I looked to see if it was a seeing eye dog in training or a companion dog . The dog had no vest or anything on indicating it was anything but someone 's pet . This plays a huge part in what I am about to tell you because in my mind I would be more understanding if it was one of these dogs . When I turned and looked this dog had taken a dump in the middle of the food aisle . I thought I might heave right there . Then I noticed the the woman had grabbed a bag from the produce department and was picking it up with her hands . A " second heaving " started . I was thinking the whole time , " Where is she going to put that ? In her purse ? " I immediately exited the food department and told management . " Clean up on aisle 5 ! " |
This morning we slept in late . We had cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate for breakfast . We opened presents . We talked with grandparents and aunts and uncles . We snuggled on the couch and watched cartoons in our jammies all day . We tried to take a family picture in front of the Christmas tree . Alice and Austin wanted nothing to do with it . . . even though they photo bombed almost every other picture we took . At the end of the day , we filled the bath tub with bubbles and rubber duckies . After a bath and some milk , you were quickly sound asleep on my shoulder . Last year , I wanted nothing to do with Christmas . Dad and I went to Oregon , and I spent Christmas weekend running down the stormy beaches of the Pacific Ocean with Austin . I was hoping to run away from all the pain and exhaustion . I was praying for a break , for a change , for a fresh start . Those pink lines meant that I got you , and well , you really are the greatest present ever . My heart still hurts for your sister and your brother before you , but you make my heart so full and happy . Your smile and excitement for everything around you keep me going . Complete . It 's been well over a month since I 've written on here , so I 'm not even sure where to begin . . . or what I actually want to say . I 've had some pretty nasty struggles with mastitis . . . and post - partum depression . . . bad enough that I admitted to the doc that when I 'm up for a night feeding , I want to hit Bryan with a lamp because he 's snoring too loud and hasn 't been helping much . I 'm happy to report that it 's getting much better . And my lamp is still intact . For the most part , things are going great around here . We still have our really bad days . And our sleepless nights . Bryan and I still fight . And I still have hormonal breakdowns . And sometimes I still cry for no damn reason . Waking up at 4 AM for work sucks . But when he wakes up with a big smile and waits patiently to be changed and fed , it doesn 't matter anymore . That smile makes everything else disappear . It has easily made me a bit more of a morning person . We relax in the rocker recliner . He snuggles in close to drink his milk while I read him a book . And then we rock until he 's falling asleep . Most nights I let him fall asleep against my chest , and I just stay there , breathing it all in . It 's the one time of the day that I can shut everything else out . I try to make sure that I am fully present , fully appreciating every second , because I know that these moments don 't last . It 's usually in these moments that I miss his brother and sister the most . A few nights ago , we were reading " Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You " by Nancy Tillman . ( Those books are my favorite ! ) He stopped drinking and looked across the room with huge eyes . He started smiling and nodding and making facial expressions and cooing like he was having a conversation with someone . " Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You " by Nancy Tillman For the first time , I thought of them without missing them . I felt like they were there . I felt like I was reading to all of them . I finally felt like I was a mother of three , a mother to ALL of my babies . Tonight I received an email from a very dear friend . A friend of hers is 5 months pregnant . Her unborn daughter has a hole in her heart . She was also diagnosed with Trisomy 13 and 18 . In 2012 , I was pregnant for a third time and this baby actually got to come home . I 've been trying to write this for five days . Just sitting here , staring blankly at the screen . Trying to think of what a year from now might look like . One year isn 't very long , so that sounds simple enough . But then I look back at where I was a year ago . And a year back from then . And then another year . The last several years have been one hell of a roller coaster , to say the least . They definitely didn 't work out like I had planned . . . or like I could have ever imagined . Marshall will be almost 14 months old . Bryan will be done with school . My time in the Navy will be done . I will be 3 years and 3 months from losing my first baby . If I try really hard , I can picture us moving into our own place . A nice little house with an oak tree . A garden full of big hydrangeas , some butterflies , and maybe even some chickadees . A sun filled room for me to paint in . A patio to relax and enjoy a cup of tea as the sun comes up . Pictures and reminders of Lilly and Brake will fill the inside , just as they do here . I can picture Marshall and the dog chasing each other around a big fenced backyard . Or Marshall running to his dad as he gets home from work . I can picture his dad actually playing with him . . . a feat that is hard to come by right now . I can picture being back in school , finishing my nursing degree . I can picture running my own business . I can picture an outreach of sorts , with a room full of local baby loss mommas with a safe place to open their hearts . I can picture a healthy , happy family . Real , true happiness . In spite of the grief , the fear , the nightmares , but probably never without them . But then I start thinking again . About the past . About the present . About all the things that have happened and all the things that keep going wrong . But when I think about handing him over to someone else , I 'm haunted by the image of myself handing Brake 's lifeless body back to the funeral director . When I dream about it at night , I wake up drenched in sweat , and I have to get up to make sure that Marshall is alive , that he is real . During the day , especially while trying to figure out all the paperwork , my chest gets tight and I start crying . Maybe it 's just the end of my maternity leave becoming too overwhelming . Too many changes and adjustments all at once . Too much to do . Too many places to be . It 's all just too much . Right now I have just less than a year left . I want to get out . I want to go back to school . I want to be home with Marshall . I want to do anything that doesn 't involve going back to sea duty and long deployments and leaving my son for several months at a time . My job played a huge role in losing Brake , and I made up my mind last year that I wasn 't doing this anymore . The way things happened . The way it was handled . The way I was treated . The night mares about going to work . The nervous breakdowns on the flight line . All those nights that I would rather have driven off the bridge than gone in to work . I never planned on making this a career . I joined because I was bored of my small hometown . I wanted to get out and have some adventures and see where they might take me . I figured by the time a family came into the picture , I 'd be out and settled down somewhere . ( I wasn 't planning on a family quite so soon . ) Bryan wanted a career , but it didn 't work out for him . So now he wants it for me because I have such great potential and it 's better for us , for our family . He 's pushing for a re - enlistment , for an officer package , for whatever keeps me in longer . I understand that this really is the best place for our family , at least financially , with the steady paycheck and insurance . I understand that money is important because that 's what keeps the bills paid and groceries in the house . This has been an extremely rough month , both emotionally and physically . I 'm having a hard time healing from Marshall 's recent delivery , and my mind is a complete mess of rampant thoughts and emotions . Just when I thought things were finally settling down , I got mastitis . Bad , bad mastitis . I dropped to the floor and cried . Because of the excruciating pain . Because of the disappointment . Because of the feelings that as a mother I was already letting my baby down . I cried . And cried . And cried some more . I cried until I didn 't think there was a drop left in my body . The next morning as I was feeding Marshall , I wrapped us in a quilt from Grannie Eva . I pulled a book , The Pokey Little Puppy , from the book shelf . And I tried to calm myself , rocking and reading to my baby . When Marshall had fallen back asleep , I sat there looking at him , marveling at how amazing he is . Then I looked around at my little corner . Andy 's quilt , almost like my security blanket , covered the back of my recliner . The quilt covering us was crocheted by Grannie Eva as she earnestly prayed during my entire pregnancy . The book was from my mom . It was one of my favorites as a kid , when my mom read to us every night . Brake 's urn sat just out of arm 's reach , next to a bouquet of some of my favorite flowers . In that moment , I remembered my own childhood . All the hopes and dreams my parents instilled and encouraged . The love , the hugs , the bed time stories . The self - esteem and confidence built at a very early age . In that moment , I realized how far I have come . And how many wonderful people have come this far with me . They may not have walked the same agonizing steps as I did , but they were there to help me , to pray for me , to hold me , assuring that I was never completely alone for a single step of this journey . Lilly died in the middle of the night , in the middle of the bathroom floor . I became terrified of the night , of the dark , of the bathroom . I tried desperately to immerse myself in as much sunshine as I could . I wanted sun , bright lights , open skies . Anything but darkness . I never wanted to see the night again . And even more than that , I never wanted to go into the bathroom again . I went home for a visit when I was on medical leave . I took flowers to my cousin and childhood best friend , F , at the local cemetery . I had dreamed of her , holding my Lilly . F is buried under a huge oak tree , which I found very fitting for her , though I 'd much rather she not be in the cemetery in the first place . Oak trees are known for their strength and endurance , and they look so noble and beautiful standing tall in the sunshine . I told myself I wanted to be strong like that oak tree . I wanted to stand tall and soak up as much sunlight as I could . . . . and I never wanted to see darkness again . After Lilly died , I was transferred to a new duty station on the other side of the country . Within a few months of settling in , we found out we were expecting again . I was still terrified of the dark , and especially of the bathroom . Five months later , Brake died , in the dark , in the bathroom . I was spiraling downward , quickly , and I tried so hard to hold tight to the image of that huge oak tree . I wanted to hold on to that sunlight and soak it all in , but I was failing miserably and my fears of the dark were escalating . When I returned to work , I had a hard time adjusting . I wasn 't sleeping well . I couldn 't concentrate . I wasn 't getting along with people very well . So I was moved to a midnight shift . I left for work around 10 PM and I usually got home around 8 AM . There 's something about the flight line at 2 AM . It 's cold . It 's almost always raining . And it 's so very dark . I was stuck in what I hated the most , and it was pulling me in . Many nights the darkness felt so thick and heavy that I might suffocate just from walking into it . Even when the skies were filled with stars , there still wasn 't enough light to save me . The deeper it pulled me in , the darker everything else became . I became like a robot , a machine . Go home and sleep all day . Get up and go to work all night . Go through all the motions but never really feel anything . I never saw the sun anymore . I don 't think I noticed it even when it was there . I started having nightmares during the day . I started having flashbacks at night . It drove me to the point of a nervous breakdown in the middle of the flight line . . . . on more than one occasion . I didn 't realize it , but I was slowly and painfully shutting down . One day I decided that I wanted to start painting again . After high school , I had a scholarship for art school , so I thought maybe picking up with the creative stuff again would help work out some of the emotions . I bought an easel , some canvas , and some paints . But they just sat there , waiting . I was late coming home from work one morning , so I was awake to see the sunrise for the first time in a long time . ( Or perhaps it was just the first time I was coherent enough to notice it . ) I took a picture of the sun 's reflection in my side mirror , still framed with ice from the night before . I posted it to Facebook , and a friend commented how we have the most amazing sunrises up here . I sat on the front porch the entire morning , staring at the sky , at the colors and the light . I finally found the little boost I needed to pick up the paints . I sat out on the porch every morning , regardless of the weather . A canvas , a paint brush , my Bible , and a big cup of hot tea . Sometimes I would set it all up , but I wouldn 't even paint . It just felt so good to be sitting out there , to be seeing the sun again , even though it was just for an hour or so before I had to go bed for work . with its golden rays . I would sit up in the corner of the couch and watch the warming light melt the fog off the harbor . Tiny little chickadees filled the feeder outside the window , and bunnies grazed quietly in the yard , both hungry and ready to welcome the new day . I always woke up just in time to catch that perfect moment in the sunrise , where the light and dark meet , just long enough to be beautiful , just long enough to paint a new day , a new beginning . I 'm definitely not a morning person , but being up for the sunrise does so much for my heart . Lately though , I haven 't been seeing the beauty in the meeting of the light and dark . I feel like I 'm wandering through a thick fog , with neither light nor dark to pull me in either direction . I 'm not sure if it 's the stress of adjusting to a new baby in the house or if it 's this nasty bout of post partum depression . Maybe it 's just a mix of everything , both new and old . I go back to work in a couple weeks , and I 'll be driving in during sunrise every morning . I 'm hoping there will be enough sunshine to pull me through again . 0 Marshall is just over 3 weeks old . During the last 3 weeks , I have had a calmness in my heart , a happiness I haven 't felt in a very long time . But in all honesty , I 'm hurting . I 'm hurting so bad . . . . Adjusting to a new baby was nothing . Adjusting to being a family , well , that hasn 't been so easy . It honestly doesn 't even feel like a family . It feels like a man inconvenienced by a girl and her baby . I feel like we are here out of necessity , because he has nowhere else to go , rather than because we are actually wanted . I feel like I 'm dancing on the edge of a really nasty post - partum depression . I had a natural delivery . The first our hospital had seen in quite a long time , according to some of the nurses . Bryan was supportive . My doula was amazing . I had mild pre - eclampsia and my lady parts tore pretty bad , but otherwise , it was a perfect delivery of a perfect baby . I was told I was even laughing at some point during the end of delivery . I cut Marshall 's cord , and when they laid him on my chest he latched almost immediately . I was in shock and disbelief that it was real . I couldn 't stop staring at him , not because he was perfect or beautiful , but simply because he was alive . Bryan refused to hold him . He was in such a fret over the dog not going outside that he left before things were cleaned up or the baby was done with his vitals . My doula helped me move into our room . Our son , that we waited so long for , that I prayed so hard for , that I spent so long on bed rest trying to keep alive , was not even half an hour old , and he had other things to do . He couldn 't hold him . He couldn 't take pictures . He had to leave . Calling it a slap in the face is a huge understatement . The swelling and stitches kept me from being able to move around very well . I had to have help getting in and out of bed so that I could get to the bathroom . Marshall was born during finals week , and Bryan didn 't talk to his teachers , so he had to leave during the day for his tests . Marshall had to stay in the bed with me most of the day because I had no way of tending to him without calling for a nurse . Since I was alone , I wasn 't getting up often enough , so I lost control of my bladder for a few days . My parents got here a couple days after I was discharged , but I still couldn 't move very well . My lady parts were the size of a grapefruit , so naturally , that 's gonna take a while to heal . ( Ok , maybe that 's a bit of an exaggeration . A tangerine is probably more accurate , not that anyone cares to know . ) I wanted to rest at home with my new baby and my parents . My parents wanted to relax and help out with the baby . Bryan wanted to show them everything on the damn island . A simple trip to the grocery store had to turn into an entire family event . I cried getting into and out of the truck . I held my breath while I sat because I couldn 't possibly get comfortable . I actually tore a little more because of all the moving and stretching . I wasn 't able to nurse or pump for hours at a time , so I was constantly engorged and sore . I tried to explain that breastfed babies have to eat every couple hours . I tried to explain that I have to get the milk out every couple hours , even if I have to pump . I ended up with blocked ducts that completely cut the flow on one side . Nothing would come out . Not a drop . So Bryan started pushing formula . Even if I was trying to nurse him , Bryan was still trying to push a bottle of formula at him . Even after the ducts got better . Bryan figured out how to change a diaper . He carries the car seat and the stroller at the same time because he doesn 't want to let anyone help . He shoves a bottle or a pacifier in " the kid 's " face every time he whimpers . So that makes him strong and awesome . He 's constantly stroking his ego with how awesome a dad he is and how he 's so great at this and so great at that . Last week he pitched a mad fit because I told him it was too cold at the beach for the baby . So he jerked the car seat out of the stroller and stomped off to the truck . He got mad because he wanted to fix a bottle of formula , and I handed him a freshly pumped bottle , with the pump still on it . He couldn 't get the pump off so he threw it across the house . I get told I 'm doing this wrong and questioned about doing that . I was told that breastfeeding just wasn 't for me because I was having problems . I 'm up all hours of the night without help . I 've tripped on the dog and landed flat on my ass almost every night for two weeks . I do laundry , I clean the house , I bathe and feed the baby . But I 'm just grumpy and " fucking shitty " all the time . I 'm not awesome . I 'm not doing a good job . I 'm apparently not even doing things right . Bryan 's dad is in town to see Marshall . He keeps joking about taking my baby . At one point , he wasn 't even joking . He said that if his ex - wife was out here at the same time , he was taking the dog and the baby and leaving . And of course , once again , I 'm doing this or that wrong . I 'm not able to nurse on schedule . Hell , I don 't even get to see my baby until night time when I 'm bathing him and getting him ready for bed . They want me to take pictures of them while he 's here , of their 3 generations . It 's his dad 's idea , but it 's the most interest he has shown since we came home . Our son is 3 weeks old , and we don 't even have a picture of the three of US together . Not even at the hospital . I 'm tired of company . I 'm tired of being told I 'm wrong . I 'm tired of being told how to take care of my baby . I 'm tired of not being good enough . I 'm tired of the jokes and taking over things . I 'm tired of the lack of support and encouragement . I 'm tired of the bullshit arguments and personality clashes and angry fits . I 'm tired of feeling like I 'm not wanted . I 'm tired of feeling like my son isn 't wanted , like he 's an inconvenience . I 'm tired of all of it . It 's been two years and two months since you left us , Lilly , and a year and a half for Brake . Going back to work seemed to intensify the pain . I was learning a new job , the one that played a hand in your death , Brake , and I was also learning how to live after saying goodbye to a second baby . I was moved to a midnight shift because I couldn 't control my temper . I ran on very little sleep because of all the nightmares . I was always on edge at work because there was always a flashback around the corner . I had the worst flashbacks on the flight line , the worst place to have a distracted mind . Last summer I started painting to help channel some of the pain . I lost motivation for it after a while , but I have still managed to let go of some of it . It still hurts . I still have nightmares . I still cry . I still can 't even look at a ladder or use the bathroom at night without trembling . But I can talk about you with a smile because the joy that you brought during your short time really does outweigh the pain . I just wish others would be more open to remembering you . It hurts when people come into our home and get upset about seeing your pictures on the wall . Almost three weeks ago , Mommy welcomed your little brother Marshall to the world . It hurts me to say this , but I finally feel like a real mommy . Lilly , you were my first born , my first love , and you made me a mommy . For the first time ever . But spending these last two years without you and Brake , well , I didn 't feel like much of one . When I 'm taking care of Marshall , I realize how much I missed out on with both of you . It hurts to know that you never got a chance in this world . It hurts to know that Marshall will never get to be the little brother that he really is . Sometimes at night when he 's nursing , I 'll catch a glimpse of something in his eyes and I 'll remember how much he looks like you , Brake . And I 'll break down in tears every time . I miss you two so very much . I feel like a mommy , but I don 't feel like myself . Maybe it 's a bit of post - partum depression in addition to missing you , but I feel more like a hollow shell lately . I got sunflowers in the hospital , and they are all dried up now . They are still somewhat recognizable , but nothing like they used to be . That 's sorta how I feel . Your dad has been helpful but not very supportive , and I think that makes it feel worse . Even though Marshall makes me feel happier , he hasn 't and can 't ever replace you . I will still always love you and miss you . * I know there 's supposed to be more pictures , but I 'm still not getting around that well . I 'll do better with next week 's assignment . * Sorry for keeping yall waiting for so long . . . . Marshall Andrew finally made his appearance last Tuesday at 2 : 11 pm . He weighed 6 pounds 5 ounces and was 19 inches long . He 's doing great . I 'm having some pretty rough post partum issues though , so it will probably be a few more days before I can get back with more pictures and possibly a birth story . Thanks again for all the thoughts , prayers , and encouragement over the last 9 months . I 'm still in a bit of disbelief that this is real . 0 Your dad and I spent a nice Christmas vacation at Newport Beach in Oregon . We took Austin with us , and he was so excited to run and be chased by all those waves . On Christmas morning , your dad fixed me a cup of tea while we were getting showered and ready for the day . As soon as I took my first sip , I immediately started getting sick . I had been a little weak most of the weekend , but we didn 't think much of it til then . Dad said he knew exactly what was wrong , and on our way home he bought a box of pregnancy tests . Sure enough , there they were : two pink lines . We were scared . Too scared to be excited . You see , you have a big sister and a big brother , but they are both in Heaven . We were scared that you might leave us too , and we knew our hearts couldn 't handle any more pain . One day , around 12 weeks , I found a pair of shoes that I knew would look great on you . And you would match your dad ! I was afraid if I bought them , I would jinx you and you would never get to wear them . So I started crying , right there in the middle of the store . But then I realized that it didn 't matter if you lived another day or another year or an entire century . You were still mine . I promised right then and there that I would love you with everything I have in me and I would make the absolute best of this pregnancy , no matter how long or short it might be and no matter how hard things got . And boy , did things ever get hard . I was sick the entire first 6 months of pregnancy . I lost 15 pounds from being so sick . You didn 't seem to like anything I ate . When we did find something , it would only last for about a week or so , and then it would make me sick too . If it wasn 't for popsicles and Gatorade , I don 't know how I would have survived . Eventually pancakes started staying down . And sometimes watermelon . And then scrambled eggs and toast . ( Your dad and I have breakfast at the bowling alley at least once a week , and those ladies think all I eat is scrambled eggs and toast . ) Even after I started feeling better and gaining some weight , I would have lots of nightmares . Most nights when I would wake up , I would feel you wiggle around in my belly , and I 'd start to feel better and fall back asleep . You 're really good at doing that at just the right time . Like when Dad forgot about my birthday . I was so mad that I cried , and then I got mad that I cried . And then you wiggled and , well , it felt like you were petting me , reminding me that you were still there . That was all I needed for my birthday . In April we found out that you were a boy . You were so proud of those boy parts that you wouldn 't let the radiologist see anything else . You didn 't let us see much of your face , but from what little we did see , we think you look a lot like your brother . Every morning at work , I would have some juice and a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast . I only worked for a couple hours because Chief wanted to make sure you stayed safe and healthy . On the way home , if I turned the radio up a little bit , you would start wiggling and dancing . You really like music . I got you some Belly Buds , like special speakers just for you while you 're in my belly , so that you could listen to music with me while I was laying down . George Strait and Radney Foster are some of your favorites . So is your Uncle Andy . I 'm sad that you won 't get to meet him , but I 'm so happy that his voice makes you happy . The last couple months I 've been on bed rest , and it 's been rough . I never knew doing nothing could be so tiring ! Other than being boring and exhausting , it 's actually really nice to just relax and lay around the house . Most days Dad is at school , so I just nap on the couch while you stretch around in my belly . Austin really enjoys our nap time . He usually ends up passed out right next to me , with his head on my belly . He 's been very protective lately , especially when Dad gets out the vacuum cleaner . I think he 's excited about you . You two will be great friends . It 's the end of August , and I can 't believe it 's almost that time . You should be making an appearance any day now . If you 're not here before Wednesday , Doc is evicting you . That 's five days ! It 's starting to sink in , and I 'm getting scared . This parenting thing is really new for your dad and me , and it 's gonna be hard . It 's even harder knowing that you won 't ever get to be the little brother that you really are . I know there are going to be days that we don 't get things right . And I 'm sure there are going to be days that I miss your brother and sister really bad and I just want to sit in the floor and cry . But I think our good days will far outweigh our bad days . So please be patient with us as we figure this out . There are so many people that have been praying for you and waiting for your arrival . You haven 't even made it out of my belly yet , and you are already so very loved by so many . Five more days . I can 't wait to meet you ! 0 All this time on bed rest has made me realize how much I miss human interaction . . . . and how much I absolutely hate people . I 've noticed lately that a lot of women like to compare and make a sort of competition out of pregnancy and childbirth . I don 't understand it . I listened to a lot of it when I was still working , but I sorta expected that there . But having complete strangers spewing pregnancy horrors at me because it 's not fair that I don 't have stretch marks ? Or someone telling me that it 's not fair that I get more appointments because I 'm a high risk pregnancy ? Seriously ? I 've had my share of hard times and horrors . But I don 't hold them against anyone . I don 't compare them to anyone else . Most of the time I don 't even bring them up unless I am specifically asked about them . In the first trimester , I told myself that I would love this baby with everything I have in me and that I would make the best out of this pregnancy , no matter how hard / long / short it might be . That might not sound like much , but after two losses , that 's actually pretty damn hard . And it doesn 't leave much room or time for comparing what I 've been blessed with to what someone else has . I just wish other people could see things like that . I 've also noticed that it 's much better to not talk about my pregnancy publicly . I don 't have the patience for dealing with people . If I post a REAL update , we get hysterical phone calls , even though nothing is actually wrong . If I mention getting to go somewhere , I get lectured for being out of bed , even though I was cleared of strict bed rest a few weeks ago . I know there are always risks . I 'm more than aware of that . But is it really that bad for me to go get a milkshake a mile from my house ? ! If I mention appointments or decisions , I get lectured again about how it 's all bad / wrong and we should be doing more to make a better start for our child . If you don 't know anything about my medical history , how do you know what is best for me or my baby ? ( On that note , I just want to point out that rude , hateful The thing that really gets me is the people that have recently made attacks and ugly comments about our doctor and medical decisions that have been made . We finally got a doctor that actually takes her time with us , listening to us and answering questions . She is actually taking our issues very seriously , as well as trying to prepare us for any of the complications that could arise . We really like and trust her , and that 's a really big deal for me . I came into this pregnancy with a handful of issues and complications , on top of having previous losses , so I never expected this to be an easy ride . I never expected things to go smoothly . I definitely never expected it to become such a big deal to so many people that , in the big picture , really don 't matter , or that don 't even know us . I shouldn 't have to explain myself or our decisions to these people , or to anyone else . I know my body and its issues , and I trust my doctor . . . . and that 's all that matters . With all that being said , I want to point out that none of it was directed toward any of you . Well , not any of you that I know personally or have talked to . Yall have been wonderful through all this . Sometimes I just need to vent . I was dilated to 3 cm and started having bloody show and lost pretty much all my mucous on Friday the 10th . ( I feel yucky saying that stuff to yall . haha ) I 've been having contractions for the last few months , but they picked up . Regular contractions about every 20 minutes . We thought this was actually happening , and I felt that neurotic oh - my - god - this - is - real panic set in . So I made Bryan drive to Walmart at 10 PM because we didn 't have any baby socks . ( Yes . I 'm serious . ) I made myself calm down and try to sleep , and the contractions stopped for a while . I 've been having them every day since , but we haven 't made much progress . As of our last ultrasound , Little Guy looks like he has stopped growing . He was about two weeks ahead through most of the pregnancy , and then he hit 5 pounds and stopped . I know the ultrasounds aren 't always accurate , especially this late in pregnancy , but 3 of them have shown him with the same measurements . His movement and heart are still showing up perfectly though . Doc wants to induce us next week if he doesn 't show up on his own over the weekend . I guess it 's not our ideal birth situation , but as long as my baby is ok , I 'll take it . I have structural issues with my uterus and my kidneys , my cervix is pretty much non - existent , my baby stopped growing , and there 's a really great chance that I will hemorrhage during birth . I 'm pretty sure at this point , there are far worse things than an induction if it gets my baby here safely . Hopefully this time next week , I 'll have some great news to share with you . And then my parents and my sister will be in town for a few weeks , so I 'll be missing for a while again . : - ) 1 comments I 've been sleeping on the couch for the past few weeks . I don 't sleep much , but when I do , it 's easier to get comfortable there than in my bed . ( I thought it ironic that I threw such a huge fit for that new bed set , only to stop sleeping in the bed a few days later . ) Early this morning , I was in and out of a dream where I was talking to Andy and Terry again . I don 't remember where we were or even what we talked about . As I started waking up , I knew I 'd been talking to them . Even though it was a dream , I could feel them . . . like they had just been in the room . As I opened my eyes , I could see that the sun was starting to rise . Just enough to throw some pretty colors above the mountains while everything else was still dark . And my eyes were immediately drawn to a bright spot at the bottom right of the big tree in the yard . It looked like a giant smiley face , and the light shining through was glowing so much brighter than anything around it . I 've never seen that face until this morning . And I 've never felt a presence that strong . A local musician named Andy sent me a message one day , saying that he liked my boots . He invited me to come watch one of his shows . It was a good hour drive from my house in light traffic , and well , I 'm lazy , so I didn 't go . He continued to message me on a regular basis . He was really funny , and it turned out that we had a lot in common . We ended up becoming really good friends . After almost a year of texting and talking online , I finally got brave enough to go to one his shows . It was a Wednesday . June 6 . At a biker bar called Dexter 's . When I climbed out of my truck , Andy was pulling his equipment out of his Jeep . He asked me to hold his tuner for a minute , and he wrapped me up in one of the biggest hugs ever . It instantly felt like we had been the best of friends for years . When we walked inside , I felt a bit out of place . I was a tiny young country girl in a mini skirt and cowboy boots , and I was surrounded by bikers with leather pants and grungy beards . Andy put his stuff on stage , and then walked around to introduce me to every person in the bar . At one point , he even picked me up to make sure that people saw my " awesome boots " . The owner of the bar , Terry , came out to meet me . He greeted me with a smile , a big hug , and a beer . He was the only one that called me by name . Over the next few months , I went to almost every show Andy did in the area , especially when they were at Dexter 's . Every week , Terry greeted me with his big smile and even bigger hugs , and I sat at the same bar stool enjoying his fun stories . He worked with the Police Dept for 26 years before getting into the restaurant / bar business , so he always had an interesting story . ( He retired from the force with high honors and also had several business and community service awards , just for the record . ) I was usually the youngest person there , and although I didn 't usually drink more than one beer , Terry took it upon himself to always make sure I was safe . He made sure no one bothered me inside . He made sure no one followed me to my truck . Several nights I drove Andy home , so he made sure which way we were going , just in case anything happened . When I left home , those late nights with those great friends were one of the hardest things to walk away from , second only to the kids that I didn 't want to miss growing up . I 've always been one of those people that gets along great with everyone but only has a small handful of friends , the kind that are more like family . Terry and Andy ( and Randy and John , the other two that Andy always played with ) were my family , and learning to live a life without spending time them made me physically hurt . About 5 hours ago , Terry was killed while out on his motorcycle . I found out just after it happened , and I 've been sitting here , wide awake , ever since . Part of me can 't sleep because I 'm in shock . The other part of me doesn 't want to sleep because I don 't want to wake up and find out this is real . The thing that really strikes me in all of this isn 't how quickly life changes or how you never know when your last day is gonna be or how you should hug the people you love a little tighter . ( I 've been reading a lot of those sentiments on Terry 's Facebook page . The truth is I 'm all too familiar with this , and that kinda stuff just irritates me any more , even though I know they all mean well . ) It 's the painful realization that my small circle of friends is growing smaller and smaller . I knew that I would never be able to move back home to the same life that I left . That 's to be expected . But I never expected to eventually move back to a life without my friends . Without those friends . I never expected to see so many of them die . Terry had a huge heart , and he went out of his way to make this world a better place for so many people . He was truly one of the greatest people I 've ever known . Please keep his family in your prayers this week . 0 I told Bryan earlier in the week that I wanted to get my progesterone shot a day early so that I didn 't have to spend my birthday at the clinic . Doc said small trips were okay , as long as I took it easy , so I was looking forward to a break from the house . I wanted a pedicure and a picnic at the beach . We had breakfast , and Bryan said he needed to get some homework done . I 'd been having contractions for 2 days , so I was content with laying down and waiting . I got bored . And then restless . So I put a load of laundry in the washer and I cleaned both bathrooms . ( That wasn 't the best idea . My back still hurts . ) He was still doing homework and completely oblivious to anything else going on in the house . I was getting frustrated and I was in a lot of pain . I could feel the tears coming . So instead of just saying something to him , I went back to bed . Then I got pissed that I was in bed on my birthday . Being pissed off made the back pain and contractions hurt even worse . When I finally woke up a few hours later , I was still mad , but I wasn 't hurting as bad . It was too late to get a pedicure . I wasn 't even in the mood for a picnic anymore . I just laid there , wondering why it was so hard to just get a small break from the house , just an hour or two . Just about the time I was about to break down in tears again , I felt the little guy start to move . When he wakes up , he usually kicks really hard and then stretches out as far as my belly with let him . But this time , when I felt him , it was just a soft nudge . And then another and another . It felt like he was petting me , almost like he was trying to cheer me up . It was amazing . And it made me realize that I 'm really gonna miss being pregnant , especially the quiet time I get with bed rest . We 're 34 weeks this week . I didn 't think we would make it this far . I 'm so ready to be done , but I 'm not ready for this to be over . Two years ago today , I watched my little Lilly Grace die in my bathroom floor . I have a hard time believing it has really been that long . Sometimes I feel like the amount of time that has passed is more unbelievable than the fact that my child is no longer here . Where does all that time go ? I 'll be turning 26 in a couple weeks . It 's yet another year that you won 't be here to celebrate with me . The last time I saw you , you had just turned 26 . ( And just so you know , I still want to punch you in the face , birthday boy . ) That was 5 years ago . I 've been thinking about the last 5 years a lot lately . I look at pictures from that last summer with you , and I can 't believe how much has changed . I miss that fiesty country girl that lived and loved with reckless abandon . I miss that loud obnoxious laugh and that huge smile . I try to find her in the mirror , but I only catch glimpses on rare occasion . Random pictures of the girl I used to be . When we talked about where this adventure might take me , I never dreamed life would be like this . I never imagined you would be gone . I never imagined myself being married . . . and especially not being divorced . I definitely never saw babies in the picture . I thought I was giving my gypsy heart room to run . Not getting ready to see it shatter to a million pieces . I guess when we set our sights on the future , none of us ever account for falling short or changing directions or just flat out failure . It makes the adventure less inviting . Failure . I hate that word , but I have been feeling it a lot the last 5 years . I don 't remember ever feeling like such a failure as I did when I signed my divorce papers . And then I lost Lilly . And then I lost Brake . And then I fought hard , but I lost my motivation at work . I guess work is a little more than lost motivation . I loved the Navy and all the adventures I 've seen so far , and I was looking forward to several more . But I lost respect for the people I worked for , I had a nervous breakdown on the flight line , and I gave up . I didn 't have it left in me to keep fighting and trying so hard when my best was never enough . My failure was thrown in my face , drilled into my head , over and over again by people who didn 't understand . I 've done a lot of thinking and soul searching these past couple weeks on bed rest . ( Probably more thinking than is actually good for me . ) I 'm really anxious for this little one to get here . And terrified of what comes after his arrival . But more than anything , I 'm realizing how truly unhappy I am . I 'm realizing all the things that I have tried to push aside or bury instead of facing them . Deep under layers upon layers of time , dust , pain , and foolish pride . The big things are always there , lurking in the shadows . It 's the little things that are getting me . Little things that have been pushed aside so long they 've become bigger things . Most of them seem to be centered around my relationship with Bryan . And my lack of close friends in this area . At first I thought it was just the hormones and stress of bed rest , but I really think it 's a lot deeper than that . His negativity . His mean jokes . His I 'm a man so I 'm better than you in every way attitude . His entire day video game marathons . I know that we are both different people than we were when we first started dating . Change is to be expected , especially with all that we 've been through . But I think we have become too different . I can honestly say if I had met this guy that he is now , we probably wouldn 't have even been friends , much less dated . I 'm losing sight of what brought us together because I 'm not seeing or feeling it anymore . I love him . I really do . And I try to keep reminding myself that it will get better . But he is angry and blames the entire world for the bad things that have happened to him , and I know in my heart that nothing will get better until he deals with that . I hate this . Part of me feels like I should have seen it coming and that I should just get out while I can . The other part of me can 't stand the thought of giving up . . . or of taking the little one away from his daddy . I want to make things better . For me . For him . For us . For our little one . I want to believe that things can and will get better . I want to believe in those love stories I grew up hearing from the old folks . I want to believe that I can have one of those too . I really need to put up curtains . Close up of the new bed set . ( FYI : a great way to piss off a pregnant woman is to tell her that wrinkles in the sheets don 't matter . I could choke a person over wrinkles in my sheets . ) Flowers on the dresser . And Brake 's urn . Crib and book shelf . I think this is my most favorite blanket ever . From bankiebaby . . I wanted a somewhat subtle way to incorporate some birds . I love how it turned out . From SimpleShapes . Close up of the collage seen in the first picture . Books . More books . Bryan threw a childish fit over this damn thing and had me crying in the middle of Walmart . I hate pregnancy hormones . The slight bulge on the right is little guy 's butt . More books . Amazon and Half . com are my best friends during bed rest . Football stuff from his Uncle Daniel . The hydrangea bush that lasted until January is in full bloom again . ( This thing is in a lot of posts . ) I 'm having some maternity pictures done soon , if little guy stays put long enough . Just waiting on my dress to come in . Maybe by then I 'll be out of this weird mood . I am the mother of 3 beautiful babies , Lilly Grace and Brake Patton , who are now resting peacefully in the arms of Jesus , and their little brother Marshall Andrew , who is now a rowdy , adventurous one year old . Baby loss , divorce , cervical cancer , and the stresses of military life have shattered my entire being and scattered the pieces . This blog is a glimpse into my journey of trying to pick up the pieces and run forward , to rebuild my heart and piece my life back together . It is my hope that through my pain , I can help others who are unfortunate in joining me on this journey . |
My work gives out a monthly " newsletter " which includes jokes , job related notifications , and recipes . I wanted to see if maybe she would like to add a monthly story ( whether it was on going or many different short stories ) and she loved the idea . So every month I have been writing a few pages and I have been uploading them . This month is the third installment . If you just joined and haven 't read the first two you can find Part One & Part Two . I hope you like it & enjoy reading it . The water bounced the boat back and forth , side to side , waking Zaire slightly . His head was groggy as he looked around and saw nothing but water . His stomach rumbled as his eyes spun around trying to take in the scenery without puking all over Quinn . Zaire smiled to himself as he watched her eyes twinkle in the sunlight and wanted to take note of how wonderful everything was . He unzipped a small messenger bag and pulled out a medium sized notebook , flipped it open and began scribbling in his horrible handwriting . He may not write much , but when he does he feels like he 's on a million types of drugs and they are rushing through his veins and it becomes the most beautiful thing he 's ever written - even if to everyone else it is udder crud . " Quinn , darling , you are a part of this trip . " He shrugged , " Plus , if it wasn 't for you and all of your nagging I wouldn 't be here in the first place . I would be at home , dying in my own bed with all of my belongings and a real bathroom . But no , here I am floating across water to a destination I don 't know what it is or where it is . So if nothing else , you owe me information about you and your town . " " Sheesh , dude , you don 't have to be dramatic about it . However , I do see your writer side sticking out . I 'll tell you about anything you want to , I just have a request first . " He let the words sink in trying to figure out what would scare him off and why she was worried about him leaving so easily . What was he walking into ? " I can only do my best . So , you - tell me about you - The real Quinn . " She took in his posture . He sat straight with his left leg crossed over his right at the knee and had his notebook sitting gently only top of his thigh with his left hand gripping his pencil tightly . His eyes , emotionless , staring at her - waiting for words to be said . " I 'm not sure what to say . There honestly isn 't much about me . I 'm Quinn Fabre and I was born in Alaska to a great set of parents . After their death I decided to take off not sure where I was going to end up . I somehow managed to make it to Calypso , got a job , and rented a tiny house . " She chuckled to herself , " Wrong turn . I was trying to get to San Francisco , I wanted to be a dancer , but somehow I ended up taking a wrong turn down a long road that took me over an ocean and you can 't quite turn around . So I kept going and ended up there . The town seemed nice when I finally stopped and asked someone where I was at . " The town is known for grain - so I basically just took the only job the grain factory had - receptionist . I liked it a lot and didn 't see why I hadn 't gotten lost years before . I sat at a desk that was mine answering phone calls , taking orders on computers , and making sure everyone got their paychecks . " " So you 're saying that a person cannot want to help other people ? " Anger began to build and she began to speak quicker , " They took me in when I had nowhere else to go . I owe a lot to the people of that town . " " Woah , dang girl , calm down . I didn 't mean it like that . I just mean that … " He sighed , " Let 's continue with your story . " " I never saw myself leaving the grain factory until I received a call from my mother . She said my dad was sick and wasn 't going to last much longer so she asked if I might come home for a while . Basically to say good - bye and I love him , so I did and I was gone a while . " Basically - a few hadn 't gotten sickly , but yes , they were . " She sighed to herself and drifted off with memories . " I can still remember the children and the elderly . The ones around our age could get around fine and still go to work when I got back but the children and the elderly . " " Trust me , so do I - but a part of me feels as if you feel responsible for their illness and you cannot live like that . You need to realize that if you had been there you couldn 't have stopped it from happening but you 'd be just as sick as everyone else . You should feel lucky . " She glanced at his hand that now rested gently on her shoulder . She hadn 't noticed when he moved closer , almost ninja - like . She couldn 't remember the last time , since her dad 's funeral , where someone wanted to comfort her . Felt the need to make sure she was okay before running off to their busy day . Of course , however , she knows he cannot really leave - unless he can swim , and the vibe she gets , he can 't - but it seems as if he cares , nonetheless . " I have tried to look from that perspective , but I can 't . I honestly feel as if I had been there we wouldn 't have gotten that shipment of grain and I could have stopped it . They even said the shipment looked funny but yet they accepted it anyway and made so much bread . There is no telling how many people have it and I feel as if it 's my fault . " Tears inched down her cheeks , " I shouldn 't have left and went to my parents ' house . How will I live without myself if I don 't find this cure ? " She decided to stay quiet and just not comment anymore . She had her feelings for all of this and knew he 'd never understand . Sitting here and word - fighting with him isn 't going to get her anywhere . She knew exactly what she needed to do and how to do it , whether he was on board with it or not . He sat up , happy that they are finally off the water , and looked around . His eyes grew large as he scanned the island and slowly his lips parted and his jaw dropped . His words came out a lot slower than he thought they would have , " Whaaaaaaat thhhhhuuuuuuuhhhh … . " " But … " His eyes watered from all of the electricity that was bouncing through the air from one tesla coil to the next . He counted mentally the number of tesla coil 's that lined this island - he counted approximately thirty - two and all he saw was bright lights of lightning flashing around him . " How do you expect us to walk through that ? " His mind began playing scenarios over and over of things that could or might happen . His one thought surrounded one thing - he knew one thing for sure - the Tesla Coils were set up to keep people out or to keep something in . He heart pounded in his chest and felt the need to vomit . He looked around and Quinn had disappeared and in that moment he knew something bad had happened . " Quinn ? " The words were loud and shaky . " Quinn ! " His voice was even louder than it was . His heart began to pound , normally , he thought , someone would have said something with the second yell . His head swung back and forth trying to make sure he wasn 't missing anything as his mouth dried up . His nervous tick began something he 's hated all of his life , and dropped his messenger bag onto the ground . He rubbed his face with his fingertips trying to control the facial tick that made the left side of his mouth lift along with his eye blinking . He turned on his heels and sprinted back to where he remembered Quinn tying up the boat . He stood there at the edge of the island and felt his heart fall . He couldn 't believe what he was seeing - she left him there . Alone . The hours passed slowly almost feeling like days . The sun was hot on his skin while he sat on his bottom in the tiny sand beach . He knew that he was more than likely already sunburned - his pasty white skin doesn 't hold up well to the UV Rays . That 's one thing he knows for sure - he has always been an inside person . He inched his whole hand into the sand wiggling it side to side as he anger flared within him . He knew she wasn 't going to come back , but he also knew if he was to ever see her again he planned to rip her head off her shoulders . Not that he would actually do it but the urge was there . He has and never will be a violent person . He shook his head and grunted inwardly . Sitting here isn 't going to help anyone or anything , but what could he possibly do ? Try and swim back home and hope he doesn 't get eaten by some form of large fish that may be swimming within the waters ? Even if that sounded like half of a decent plan , he had no idea which direction was home or how far it was . He knew they had traveled by a small boat with a motor and it seemed to be approximately one in the afternoon when they arrived after leaving a quarter to nine in the morning . He decided to walk around Tesla Island , since it didn 't seem very large to him , to see if maybe someone actually lived out here . Looking at all of the coils , that were still slicing the sky with lightning bolts , he knew someone had to have put them up . He stood up and began his walk , walking toward what he thought was North , looking up through trees and bright flashes of light . He made a mental note of the fact that the coils made flashes of light that actually lit up the sky , even with the sun out . It was partly mesmerizing to him . His pace started out strong , moving quickly through the sand , his feet dragging slightly , but as the sun began to set his pace slowed to almost turtle - human speed . His legs began to shake slightly as his body shivered from a cool breeze that came in from the water . He stopped and looked around , exasperated , when he realized he had been walking all day and has yet to see anything that resembles any form of life . He looked through the flashes and realized if someone does live on this island , they are going to be on the inside - in the middle of the lightning bolts that flew up and out . He sighed but remembered what Quinn had said , there is always a shut off to anything that works , we just have to find it . Using common sense , which I don 't have much of but I have some , I can pretty much promise you it 's on the outside . Taking a deep breath he tried to remember , out of what he 's walked so far , did he see anything that looked anything remotely like an off switch or a lever . All he seemed to remember was a bunch of tree 's that looked like they were about to attack him , and small bushes that were probably hiding tiny animals that wanted to eat human flesh . He wasn 't really feeling the urge to be eaten by anything that is smaller than his foot . He figured that since he hadn 't seen anything that looked remotely like an off switch while he walked - he would finish walking the rest of the way . He stood , stretched his leg muscles and began to walk finishing his way around the island . He sighed when he realized how slow he was moving - he was hoping after his rest that he 'd be able to do this quickly . He looked out in front of him and noticed something that looked like a tall black brick wall . He approached it with caution , just in case , and gently pushed the tree branch that was covering it to the side and saw a large button . He stared at the button as if it were an animal about to attack . Next to the button had an engraving in it that , to him , looked Latin and almost talked himself out of pressing it , but he knew this was the only thing he has found that looks like it would shut off the coils . He shut his eyes tightly , counted to ten and prayed silently to himself . Opening them quickly he pushed his hand forward and hit the button and braced for whatever was about to happen . He heard a noise that sounded like a large rock was being moved and a zip - zap just in time for the coils to stop sparking and it was quiet except for a ticking noise that sounded like a food timer spinning . That 's when he realized once it stops ticking the coils are going to turn back on . He quickly looked around him and sprinted to the inside of the coils where he wouldn 't have to really worry about it . As soon as he passed the coils and was standing on the inside the hum of the electricity began and thanked everything that he was finally on the inside . But how , he thought to himself , will he get out ? He wouldn 't think about that right now though , because the only thing he wanted to think about was finding someone to help him get home . That 's all he wanted more than anything was to just go home . He walked around for what felt like hours and in circles . He passed a large oak three that he could swear he had passed multiple times . Aggravation began sitting in , a feeling he was getting tired of , as he realized this isn 't working . He could barely see what was around him or where he was going due to the fact that it was basically dark - the sun had set hours ago but he didn 't want to give up , he wanted to go home . But he began realizing that he should probably find somewhere to rest for the evening and start up again in the morning - but where ? Once he was close to the coils he noticed a large opening that looked like a darkened cave . He glanced around and realized this is where he entered into the coils . On the other side of this cave is the button he pressed to turn off the coils so he began betting himself , since no one else was around , that the button to turn it off again is inside of this cave . He decided , however , not to go too far into it looking for a button or lever to turn them off , the only thing on his mind at that moment was to sleep for a little bit . Exhaustion finally hit him when he decided to settle in for the night , yawns coming every couple of minutes . He cautiously entered the extremely dark cave and stopped just inside . Not too far in but far enough in that if the clouds that were floating around above him decided to let go of its moisture , he wouldn 't get wet - that 's what he wanted from this . He tossed his messenger bag to the ground , and stretched forcing a yawn to the service . He rubbed his eyes and glanced around wanting to make a last ditch effort to see if someone , or something , was hiding in the dark shadows of this cave . Not seeing anything , he went to squat , finally to lie down just and felt the ground began to shake . His body tensed as he tried to keep his balance , but the shaking got worse , and attempting to keep his balance became harder and harder . At times it felt as if he was trying to stand on a board that was sitting on top of a rubber ball . He grabbed on to the sides of the cave and the sound of boulders forced his attention , he turned his head quickly to the left and saw the entrance close up . Zaire lifted his hand and touched the side of his head with as little pressure as he could muster . His head pounded and all he wanted to do is cry - cry for his mother or father to come hold him - cry in a way he hasn 't cried since he was a tiny child after falling off of his bike and skinning his poor knee . Of course , though , he 'd never admit that he wanted to cry even if someone could prove it . His whole face hurt - a pain he couldn 't remember having before . His mouth was parted and he slowly opened his eyes not wanting to scare his pupils with a light that was so bright he could feel it to his bones . As he let the light enter his eyes he realized he was no longer in the cave where he was but instead he sat in a wooden chair with no arm rests in a large white empty room . The only other thing besides him in it was a large wooden desk , papers covering the top , with a chair turned backwards . Fear was prominent in his mind , mostly from wanting answers , and then he tried to stand . He grunted as he felt himself fall backwards and hit his bottom on the chair . He looked down at his legs … He knew that voice , or a part of that voice - he couldn 't place it . " Where am I ? How did I get here ? " His words came out in a hurry . Zaire blinked a couple times attempting to focus on the figure that was sitting at the desk looking at him . When the cloudiness cleared he realized why he knew that voice . " Quinn ? Why did you leave me on the island alone ? " " What ? We were on a journey to find a cure for the illness we have . What are you talking about with all of this we needed to find ? " Quinn stood up not looking like the girl she was when he first met him . In town , when they first met , her clothes seemed drabby - dirty discolored khaki slacks with a long sleeve white shirt and a dirty old grandmother sweater draped over her that had to have been four sizes too large . Now , standing in front of the desk she is cleaned up . Her hair is pulled back into a nicely composed pony tail , a calf length pinstriped skirt , a form fitting button up long sleeve white shirt and a pair of black stilettos . A part of his man self was briefly attracted to her until he realized that she had him tied to a chair and actually had been stalking him . " You didn 't get sick off of bread from Calypso and the whole town isn 't sick . In fact , last time I was there everyone looked pretty healthy if you ask me . " She took a couple steps around the desk to the front of it and seductively sat on the edge and crossed her arms in front of her chest . Zaire could only remember one other time where he slept so horrible and it would have to be the night he found out about his illness . He tossed and turned all night with Quinn on his mind . For the most part of the night he laid in bed staring at his ceiling counting the tiny dots that are speckled above him . He found himself weighing all of his options and the only thing he knew for sure was that he doesn 't want to die . But as he thinks about that his mind wanders back to the phone call and wonders who it was and why they called . He stood on his front porch smelling the morning air just as the sun began to rise over the horizon . His mind was full which confused him . He held a large cup of coffee in his hands sipping it slowly as it burned all the way down . The higher the sun got into the sky the more he wanted to live . The more he wanted to see more days than just the few he has left - how many , he still doesn 't know . The more he wanted to be able to say he accomplished something - anything , and live to see his life unfold . Anytime he thought of his illness or the fact he was destined to die his heart broke a little more each time . He figured after so many years that he would eventually just accept it and move on ; live the rest of his days doing the stuff he wanted to do . But as he begins thinking about that , that 's when he realizes he hasn 't done anything to be able to do anything . He knows that makes no sense whatsoever , but to him , it 's everything , especially when his dream , the one thing he wants to accomplish and have live on past him , is a novel . But he knows to write said novel he has to have done something - seen something , or even just felt something that he hasn 't . Go with Quinn . A small voice in the back of his head repeated those words over and over . He wanted to listen to it and go but he was scared . But what exactly would he accomplish if he continues being scared ? He knew he finds himself complaining or whining about not doing things then something like this falls into his lap . He had never had the opportunity to go to Tesla Island , and here it was - perfect for him and he may blow it . Why ? Because he 's scared . But what exactly is he scared of ? Actually accomplishing something and feeling great about himself for once ? Or failing . But how will he know if he 'll fail if he never tries . His mind was heavy . He always found the morning time comforting . Most people were still asleep , getting ready for work , or just getting off of work . The hustle and bustle you found during the evening hours didn 't exist and it was almost as if no one else was around . The walk seemed to do him some good even if he had no idea where he was going or when he 'd turn around . He doesn 't walk as much as he used to because it wears him out and makes him sick . But today it was something he needed . The more he walked the drier his mouth became . He began hearing a loud ringing in his ears and his sight began to blur . He knew he shouldn 't have walked as far as he had , but he knew he needed to get away . He needed something that was located at his house . When his legs became wobbly and he felt the ground connect to his person , he had made up his mind . He will need to find Quinn and begin the trek to Tesla Island to see if they could find what they needed to cure him and her whole town . He was tired of being sick and finally decided to take care of the problem . When he realized he was on the concrete is when he remembered that he had no idea how to get ahold of Quinn . His head pounded behind his eyes as he gradually sat up . He glanced around and realized he was sitting in his bed . It 's never a good thing when you are somewhere but you have no idea how you got there especially when the last memory you have is of you falling to the ground . He tried standing up but his body began pounding from aches in places he didn 't know existed . Knowing he needed to figure out what was going on he pushed through the pain and stood up . He shakily made his way through his house and into his living room that was cleaned up and a smell wafted through the air . He closed his eyes and sniffed hard - he felt his stomach growl . It had been a long time since he could remember smelling bacon being cooked in his house . As much as the smell of bacon being cooked excited him , it also frightened him because he has no idea who is cooking bacon in his kitchen . Calmly , figuring it could get really bad if he isn 't , he made his way into his tiny kitchen . He stalled at the doorway briefly trying to talk himself out of this and reconsider everything he was about to do . But it 's his house and no one should be frying bacon in it unless it 's him and he doesn 't really know how to cook bacon so they must go . He took the corner and entered his kitchen and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Quinn poking her head around the doorway of his refrigerator . She chuckled to herself as she shut the door , " Do you ever buy groceries ? Shoot ! I had to go to the freaking store this morning and buy what I am making . But I forgot cheese and you don 't have any . " Zaire shrugged and sat down at his kitchen table . " I just never really learned and last time I set my stove on fire . Not something I really want to repeat in this lifetime . " He tried once , well , a few times . He figured since he lived alone he really needed to know how to make his own food but every time he tried his stove would catch on fire so he decided against attempting that anymore . He figured being a bachelor that frozen foods would work , they couldn 't be too bad , but once he tried eating a few of them he realized that they were worse than he thought and just gave up . It takes him briefly twenty minutes to go to Taco Bell and back and he has many menus ' hanging next to his front door . Most of them deliver . Why should he lie to himself into thinking that one day he will be able to cook when he can just order out . He took a bite of perfectly crisped bacon . " I … " He paused for a moment . " I don 't think I 've checked it in days . " He shook his head . " I think I will . Even if we don 't find the cure and I still end up dying a horrible death . Something will come of this trip and if I don 't do it I 'll never figure out what it is . " She stood up and clapped her hands together once holding them out in front of her . " Great ! That 's fantastic ! Oh ! We have to start preparing ! " Quinn plopped back down into the chair . " You don 't understand , Zaire , this is something that has to happen now . If we wait my whole town will die out and you 'll be gone . Then where does that leave me ? " Quinn , for the next four days , basically never left Zaire for more than twenty minutes . Usually just long enough to go to the store and restock his kitchen and bathroom supplies . They went over the rules and how Tesla Island is and she explained just how long it was going to take them to get there - by boat . Quinn had already explained to Zaire that they weren 't able to take a lot , just enough to survive because of how small the boat is . He figured it was fine since all he really needed was food , water , and shelter . She busted that bubbled once she told him that there may be times where there isn 't any shelter . He wasn 't sure what he thought about not having shelter at all times . Which was true and he often wondered why he had never gotten into a boat , even just a simple paddle boat . Their tiny town was surrounded by water , at times , people thought it was an Island , but it wasn 't considered one . The town was housed to about 25 , 000 people and there was one road out of it and most people didn 't know there was a town there . He figured most people found it by accident when traveling in California by taking the wrong turn . Once they travel down the 25 mile bridge and end up in Davenport they don 't normally leave . It 's basically a flat area with large houses , one movie theater , shopping mall , some well - known restaurants and two grocery stores . It 's very secluded , which is what most people that stay like about it . " Why ? What 's in California that isn 't here ? It 's just a long drive across a boring bridge into a state that is full of crazy people . " Her face distorted , " How do you know ? You haven 't been there ? Don 't knock something if you 've never seen it for yourself . " Legend has it there 's an intangible string of fate that binds two people that are destined to be together . Those connected are bound regardless of time , place or circumstance . Nothing can break the invisible thread between two people who are meant to be together . The color red is strongly tied to the attraction and desire . It is also the color of the string of fate that binds two soul mates . The red string of fate is derived form an ancient East Asian belief . According to this myth , the Gods tie a red string around the ankles of those that are destined to meet each other or help each other in a certain way . Like many old legends , the story behind the red string is somewhat problematic . It is said that walking home one night , a little boy saw an old man reading a book . He asked him what he was reading . The old man said it was a book of marriages , and told the young boy he was destined to marry one girl . When he showed the little boy the girl he was to marry , though , the boy didn 't like the idea because he didn 't want to get married . He threw a rock at her and ran away as fast as he could . Years later , a marriage was arranged between the boy and one of the most beautiful girls in the village . But , when he unveiled her he noticed his wife - to - be had a small scar over her eyebrow . When he asked her about it , she told him that a boy had thrown a rock at her as a child . Thus proving their fateful union … At the crux of this proverb is submitting to a higher power . Destiny will take its course and in time all will fall into place . It is important not to fight the red thread . Even if you find the person on the other end of the fateful red string , that doesn 't mean staying together will be easy . The proverb is meant to instill loyalty , devotion , and compassion . The string is also there to make sure lovers remain faithful to one another . " The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you , not knowing how blind I was . Lovers don 't finally meet somewhere . They 're in each other all along . " - Rumi In Japanese culture , it is said the red string is tied around the pinky finger . Hence the phrase " pinky swear . " Originally , it indicated that the person who broke their promise had to cut off their pinky finger . Caroline Highland of Thought Catalog writes , " The red threads don 't wind their way around our ankles as we walk , don 't catch on us as we brush past things - the Chinese believe that they emanate from us from birth , from the moment we enter the world . As we age , with each passing year , the threads grow tighter , bringing us close to the people whose lives are destined to intertwine with ours in some way . " The same writer interprets the red thread as liberating . " How much easier it feels to fling ourselves out into the unknown , into a new place or stage of our lives , knowing those red threads are there , winding out into the future as they always have been , holding onto souls that will be waiting to catch us , teach us , touch us , and change us . " According to Wikipedia , " The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers , regardless of place , time , or circumstances . This magical cord may stretch or tangle , but never break . " Been in a reading slump . - everything slump . But lately this book has been on my mind . Going to reread it … twitter . com / i / web / status / 8 … 1 month ago |
In 1986 , I lost twin boys at 7 1 / 2 months . For years , I would see light flashes and always felt their presence . In 1991 , I was living in a very old house in the historic section of the city . All wood floors . My step - daughter , Chelsea , 3 yrs old was visiting along with my niece and nephew . I had asked my husband to take them to the playgound 2 blocks away to play while I got a shower . While I was upstairs showering , I could hear running and giggling . I turned off the shower and yelled out to my husband in anger , because he was supposed to take them to the playground . He did not answer . I looked out the window and they were not in site . I turned the shower back on , and once again , heard the running and giggling . Only this time , I could feel the impact of the feet through the floor . I again yelled out , but no one was around . When I finished showering and getting dressed , my husband and the kids came through the front door . I scolded my husband for not doing as I aske ! ! d as he promised he would take them . He insisted that he did , and they were just getting back . My niece and nephew went home that night ; Chelsea stayed over . We took her home the next day . Later that evening , I received a call from her mother . She asked if we had company over night . I told her that we did not . She said that Chelsea told her that there she was playing with two little boys in her bedroom the night before ! I contacted a medium , she instructed me in what I could do to set them free , and it seemed to have worked . I have since moved , and have had different experiences , and have erie photos of what appears to be several ghosts . They don 't really take the form of a human . They are more like bright round lights and in some cases , large clouds of smoke , sometimes in the shape of a horseshoe . story It began when we moved into the neighborhood on August 12th , 1998 . Burrs Mill Estates was a large , spread out neighborhood located deep in the pine barrens in a sleepy town called Southampton , in NJ . It began on the second night of our stay , at exactly ten o ' clock . Loud , strange music echoed through the neighborhood , ethnic music with bongo drums , circus - like keyboard music , and men wailing strangely in minor keys . My dad got out of bed and went outside to try and find the source of the strange rhythms . He found another family that was out looking for it too , but try as they might , they could not find the source , and they looked at every single house . The next day , as I told my friends Erica about it , she nodded and told me that that music has been a mystery for years . She and other people THINK they know where it 's coming from , and showed me a modern house on a corner . I accepted this until I got home and told my mom . She said there was no way , because , being ! ! a professor of music , she knew the difference between live and recorded music , and this was definatley live , and so loud that if it really was coming from that house it would be earth - shattering when anyone walked by it , and my dad gave no reports of being blasted when he walked by it . Sometime me and erica are going to find out what really happened in this neighborhood to cause the " ghost music . " I am submitting this story because I would like some replies on what I should do , and maybe some ideas about it . Thanks , Liza . E - mail me at lizanic @ hotmail . com . Thanks . story It happend about 6 years ago at my friends house . I was spending the night and we were sitting in the living room playing nintendo when I asked my friend what time it was . So she got up and went to the kitchen to check the time , when she was gone i felt something pass by me and I thought it was my friend so I asked her " did you find out the time ? " I was glued to the t . v playing nintendo of course . When nobody answered me i turned around and saw this figure of white . I gasped and ran into the kitchen looking for my friend i told her what happend and she said , " Ya my house is haunted cuz the other night i was here alone , and i was sitting in the living room watching t . v when i heard something coming up the stairs . I thought my parents were home . So I yelled , ' Hi mom ' and nobody was their . " She told me that 's why she asked me to spend the night to see if i would see anything strange like that . This story is true believe it or not is swear on my grandmothers ' gra ! ! ve . It happened in class to me one day . I was reading a novel I had bought to class when a tiny arm , like the arm of a baby reached out and grasped my forearm , then it disappeared suddenly . I can still feel the grasp of the hand . It felt warm , like somthing alive . Nobody in my class had arms that small . this was specifically like the arm of a very small child . But ghosts of babies don 't usually hang around schools . To this day I don 't know what the hell happened . maybe it was reaching out to me because it thought I was the only one who could sense it . Poor little tyke , it really pains me to think of the ghost of a baby trapped in limbo , and in a school nontheless . I hope someday sombody sets it free . A funny name for a not so funny experiance . I 've had alot of weird stuff happen to me , and this wasn up there with some of the worst . It happened about seven years ago , when I was living in a trailer , which oddly until then was devoid of parinormal goings on . I shared a room with my little brother , with me getting the top bunk . Well , one night somthing seemed odd . I could hear creepy music playing out of nowhere . Now if there 's one thing that seems to be common with these paranormal occurances in my life its the strange music that starts up before somthing eerie happens . I tried to ignore it when WHUMP ! I felt as well as heard two hands clomp down on my back really hard ! I could hear my little brother snoring away , it was not him . I passed out on the spot . I don 't know what the hell it was . This was definitely not like the experiance with the infants ghost . This thing was malicious and wanted to do me harm . I 'm always reminded of why I sleep on my stomach when st ! ! uff like this happens , would you want to wake up face to face with god knows what ? ! P . S . : There 's somthing going on in my kitchen right now , either the cats have gotten into mischeif , or sombody is less than pleased that I 'm writing this . The last time I wrote in , I was punished severely by the dark forces that haunt me . Lets just say they hit me where it hurt . A few years ago , my mom & step - dad moved our family to a home in Indian Valley , Virginia . It was an old house & was strange in the fact that there were 2 doors that had been removed & closed up with new wall - board & wooden siding ( but it obviously hadn 't been redone well since we could tell something had been removed ) . It was also just a creepy house in general but that 's another story . About five feet to the left of the house was a root cellar . It wasn 't attached to the house like most root cellars , and was very small & dug into the mountain side . For some reason it was a very frightening place to all of us except our step - dad . My mother didn 't go into it & when my sister & I would be going home , espescially in the evening , we would run past it . I was absolutely terrified to go past it alone in the evening , and would go far out of my way to approach the house from the other side of the hill . Even the older guys would not go into the rootcellar alone . After my step - dad deserted us ( cuz he was an ass ) , my mother had some of the neighbourhood teens & one of their fathers clean it out . They were pretty freaked & would not let the door be shut while they were in there & just really let it be known that they were getting the creeps from the place . Now these are not the type of men to let it be known they are freaked out , they were very macho types . We never really thought about why we were frightened of the root cellar , we just accepted it as something that was . When we finally were getting ready to move my grandmother was talking to a man that lived down the road about the area & the house . She mentioned how creepy the rootcellar was & the man told her that his brother had hung himself in there . My grandma didn 't tell us this until we 'd finished moving so we wouldn 't be scared . But when she told us it just made so much sense , given the vibes the place gave off . It wasn 't a ghost but there was definetely a presence . story Well , to start off i will say that all my life i have been , i guess in contact with the other side . i could tell many of my experiences but the one i will choose is the one that i am currently experiencing . i have lived in my current house for 5 years . when i first lived here not many things happened but as time went on i started hearing children and the voices of people . i was sort of scared at first because that is a natural reaction but then i relized how sad the situation is because they are little children trapped between worlds . they will always call for there mother during thunderstorms . i believe that i have seen a little girl in my front yard late at night , while letting my dog out . i stood there and stared her for a few second then my dog started running after her and she sort of just disappeared . every night when i go to bed i hear voices and i am not the only one . My brother and his soon to be wife both heard the children one night durning a horrible thunder ! ! storm . My grandmother has also heard them . she is deaf and at night time when she sleeps she takes out her hearing aids . my sister and i both heard the children the same night she did . when we came downstairs the next morning , she asked us , did you girls have little kids over last night cause i though i saw and here some running around . that scared us a little too . my mother has also heard the children . i recentally found out that where is live is known to be haunted by many people . there was a family on my street that died . all of them . the husband wife and daughter they all died of heartattaks . the people in the house that i live in were best freinds with the people that died . i also found out that a battle during the french and indian war took place on the land that we all , in the neighborhood live on . one more thing , supposedly ( no facts to base this on ) ghost haunt this stream that goes all through my town , that stream is in my backyard . i just found out about all these ! ! things within the past three days so i am rather excited . thDate : Sun , 4 Oct 1998 20 : 45 : 08 - 0700 ( PDT ) story My story took place when I was eight . My friend and I were deep into ghosts , monsters , and legends . We weren 't the average eight years olds who were afraid of the dark , we actually liked the dark because it was easier to get scared in the dark . For Christmas , I received a Oujii Board and we couldn 't wait to use it . We asked for spritis to come and show themselves , but after several tries and no sprits ( so we thought ) , we gave up . We left the board out with the pointer still positioned on it and proceeded to play Barbies in my new three - story Barbie dream house with elevator . In order to work the elevator , you had to pull a string that ran along the side . In our play , we pretended that one of the dolls was a ghost the haunted a family . We were at the peek of our play when suddenly my noise clamoured house became suddenly quiet . My friend and I immediately noticed the change . We looked at each other with wide eyes for a few moments and decided to go investigate . No sooner than we had dropped our dolls , than my doll house elevator began to move up and down all by itself ! We froze as it was taking place , but when the elevator stopped on the second floor ( something that couldn 't have been done without SOMEONE holding the string there ) we screamed and ran . I put away my Oujii Board for good after that night , but the doll house remained standing . It wasn 't until it was moved into my room that the problems started . Sometimes I was awakened out of sound sleep by the the crashing of my doll house to the floor . It never stayed standing for more than two nights . The doll house was removed from my room after way too many sleepless nights . When I met my ex - husband , his mother was already dying of cancer . She 'd first been diagnosed about 10 or 15 years prior , gone into remission , and come out again . This particular round had been going on for about 4 years . She had initially been reluctant to see her doctor because of a very traumatic experience she 'd had with her previous doctor . In the end , her hesitancy cost her precious time . An early diagnosis might have saved her , but by the time she went to the doctor , the cancer had spread . When I knew her she had tumors in her stomach , liver , lungs , and brain . About a week before she passed , her mother ( she was in her 40 's - very young to die ) placed her in an in - patient hospice unit . Her son ( now my ex - ) was taking an early afternoon nap . In a dream he saw her come up to him , wave at him , and slowly walk away . He was roused from the dream by the phone ringing . She had just slipped into a coma . She never came out of it . We went to the hospital , and if I 've ever seen a human shell , that 's what her body was . You could tell by looking at it that the soul that animated it had moved on . The body ceased to live a few hours later . She never came out of that coma . I think , perhaps she was trying to make it easier on him . He 'd never experienced the death of a loved one before , and for his first experience to be his mother , I think that made the whole thing that much more difficult . I 'm not sure he 's ever gotten over it , and that happened 8 years ago . story My girlfriend and I were babysitting her 2 cousins at her aunts home . Her aunts home just happened to be the apartment behind a funeral home . Well it was late one night , the two girls were sleeping when one jumped out of bed sceaming " The Man , he 's gonna kill me ! " Well we told her she was just having a bad dream and to go back to bed , eventually she fell back asleep . Another hour or so goes by and we ( for some strange reason ) were both looking at the wall in front of us when a large wave went through the wall from the kitchen to the girls bedroom , we got a little spooked but figured it was just our imagination and tried to forget about it , but what ever this was did not let us . In the girls room it seemed almost as though there was a disco ball in there , lights were flashing without light bulbs , the dresser started shaking , the older girl ( 5 at the time ) woke up screaming " The Man The Man " but odly enough the younger girl ( 3 at the time ) slept through the whole thi ! ! ng as if nothing was going on . Well after that we packed up the girls and took them to my house , where everything is pretty much normal . The next day we had a physic go to the apartment , she said there were 2 spirits , one was a kind younger women , the other was a man , this physic really couldn 't tell us to much about them but before this happened I did not believe in ghosts or life after death or any of that stuff , but you can believe that I willnever doubt anyone 's ghost storis again . Well theres a place here in Harrisburg , PA and its called Mummy 's Hill . It 's a cemetary . It 's in the woods and u have to walk up a hill to get to it . It 's a favorite spot of mine and some friends , its a lovely place to hike . Well one night when we went up we stated to get a very wierd feeling , like we always do but this time the feeling was stronger . My friend and I started to get scared and we had never gotton scared we had always felt comfortable there . So we decided to listen to our gut and get out fast . As we were leaving we saw this big , bright ball of white light . And it went right through us . I was so scared i couldn 't move . My friend and I had always " felt " that the spirit at Mummy 's Hill was a female , and now we have that feeling even stronger . I dont know what it was but i know it was something special and I also have a feeling that it needs something . I dont know . I have a ghost story that ties into the ouija board theme . Our town has a small theator which was very active in the 20s but burnt down , and it was recently restored and opened to the public . one of the first preformances was the musical " Bye Bye Birdie " which i had a part in . the other performers and i were all very stereotypical of the theator set , very dramatic and stuff , so we decided it would be fun to have a lock in to start off the rehersal period , and to try and contact former actors with a ouija board for fun ( we were mostly non believers ) at the lock in we ended up splitting into two differnt groups , one below the stage and one in the lobby , i was in the lobby , each group had a board and separately tried to contact " Charlie " the ghost who supposedly haunted the theator , i do not know how Charlie came to inhabit the theator , some said he perished in the fire , some said he hung himself on an opening night , and others claimed he fell from the balcony . nothing unusual happened during the actual seance , most of which consisted of skeptical teens manipulating the board to say what they wanted it to say , until suddenly the other group came running onstage screaming that they had contacted something and that it was going to kill them , when we investigated we found that all the mirrors in the dressing areas had been shattered , at first we blamed the group that had been down there , but then the stage lights snapped on , the sound booth was locked and we could all see , when standing on the stage , that it was empty , yet the lights , which could only be moved by a human hand were moving back and forth , as we watched , the spotlight snapped on as well and swayed back and forth . this went on for about five minutes and then stopped . even though most of us wanted to leave immediately , the bravest ( or dumbest ) amoung us convinced us to stay , and nothing else happened that night . however , most of the members of the cast experienced further unexplained occurences . my personal experience had me alone in the theator for i know that there are very easy explanations to the occurences , but i truly think we stirred something up , and that it is still there . needless to say , that night caused a lot of new rules to be made , one of them forbidding the use of ouija boards in the theator story When i was very young , around the age of 3 or 4 ( i am now 13 ) i could always see or hear people that did not actually exist . Of course everybodys heard of " imaginary friends " right ? And i am sure the majority of us had one when we where young , either because you didnt have many friends , or because your friends where all much older than you , therfore you couldn 't do as much as they did , example : crossing the street by yourself , or staying up late etc . Well in my case , I lived on a street with a lot of kids , but i was the youngest . So , I had an imaginary friend . Her name was Jennifer , she had long blond hair and the bluest eyes i had ever seen . I would often talk to her as if she were a real human being , My mother can recall me laughing and having entire conversations with her . When I reached the age of 6 , I had moved to another home and made alot of friends my age , Jennifer dissapeard , forever . This isn 't the end of my story . When I would go to visit my grand - mother who lived on a farm , I would stand at the edge of her driveway and here people calling my nam ! ! e , they sounded so distant , so muffled . Then at night , I would sleep in the basement , and i could see figures starting to appear and they would become clearer and clearer until I could see them perfectly , I could see a poker table , with men in pin striped suits sitting around it . There was about 5 or 6 of them . They would smoke cigars , drink martinis and socialise . I take that they where gangsters . I would be so frightened that I would sit in the bed and cry and cry , until one night they started talking me . All I could remembre was that they where telling me that it was ok , and that they meant no harm . After that night , they dissapeard . I don 't know why I saw these non - existant beings , I don 't see them any more , But I talked to a friend about it and she said that spirits are drawn to young children , so thats my opinion . I don 't see these beings anymore , this is just all from my memory . story This story takes place on old Cape Cod . My family and I moved into a house that was , for the most part , on the beach , as well as haunted by the previous owner 's late husband . One night , about a year or two after we bought the place , I was sleeping in my room . I heard footsteps coming up the basement steps . I thought nothing of it . Then , slowly , my bedroom door started to open . Ok , now I was just a little scared . Then , as I looked to see who was opening the door , I saw that no one was there ! I was freaked , so , being younger , I hid under the covers of my bed . As I peeked my head out , there was the face of an old man , STARING ME RIGHT IN THE FACE ! ! ! I screamed like a banchee , and he disappeared . After that , I got pretty used to him coming in some times , he wasn 't a mean ghost or anything , just a nice old man looking at who the kid was sleeping in his guest room . story This story is not really good but I hope it is interesting . My best frien , Raven , and his parents ran a small dance hall in my hometown before it closed . They also lived there and sometimes he would invite me to watch a movie with him . Here 's the odd part . One night he invited me over and we turned on a movie and started to relax . We watched the first tape of the series and took a break . We went to the snack bar to get munchies and I heard a thumping from his room . I thought that it was his cat so I went to get it . My friend was a neat freak and his room reflected this so when I went into the darkened room and tripped I was surprised . I had been in there earlier , talking on the CB and hadn 't noticed anything out of place . I flipped on the light and saw that his CB setup had been moved about 20 feet . This freaked me out ' cause the thing was a concoction of 80 lbs of metal and wire . I looked up and saw a blob DISSAPPEAR into the wall . I screamed , and ran , and paniced . I must have looked like I was about to pass out because he took me out to his car . I told him what ha happened and he said that he had noticed it too . Voices coming from the CB when it was off , things moving by themselves , and the cat would n ! ! ot go into the back room closet . I don 't know anything about the buildings history but I know that Raven , my friend , Sonya , and I all see things in that building at around 10 : 40 at night . And only when there are two or fewer people . I few years ago , my dad pasted away . He always told us that when he ever died , he would come back and visit it us once he got settled in the other world . I told him jokingly , how would I know it was him or someone else . He told me that if one day , I were to smell cologne that he always put on , that would be him . I just laugh it off . Anyway , not long after he pasted away did I awoke early in the morning smelling that same cologne that my dad use to wear . I was reaping in it . I felt the bed move and I suddenly heard a very faint sigh . . I felt like something heavy was getting off my bed . My dad was a heavy set man . I was to scared to move but then I realize that it was my dad trying to tell me that it was him . I then heard footsteps moving away from my room and down the hall . I heard noises coming from the kitchen . The refrigerator door opening and closing . My dad use to visit and stay with me once in awhile . He always liked to raid my refrigerator at night while I w ! ! as asleep . After a few minutes , I was able to move and walk toward the kitchen . At that time , I heard a conversation between two people coming from the room he use to sleep in . I could not make out the conversation because they were talking too fast and sounded like it was coming from a tunnel . At first I was too scared to say anything , then I thought I should try and speak to my dad . All at once before I could say anything , the conversation stopped . I could still smell the cologne all over my body . I could see a large black shadow moving towards me from the bedroom . I couldn 't make out the face but I knew it was my dad . He stood there for a few seconds and then he disappeared . At that moment , the smell from the cologne was gone . That same morning , I called my brother and told him was I had experienced . He told me that approximately the same time , he also heard a noise in his bedroom and then a bright light lited up the room . That was the last time I ever saw my d ! ! ad again . I still hear the noises in the kitchen and the footstep in the hall , butDate : Wed , 14 Oct 1998 22 : 23 : 00 - 0700 ( PDT ) Supposedly Gettysburg has many haunted places and I always wanted to see a ghost there . After the reenactment battle each day , my buddies and I would wander to the battlefield in the evening in the hopes of sighting a ghost . Our efforts were fruitless . On July 4 , 1998 I went to bed at the re - enactment site after the usual campfire discussion with friends . The night was unusually cold for July and I huddled under my wool blanket in order to stay warm . My tent mate was asleep next to me and everything appeared to be normal . At about 4 : 00 am I awoke to the sensation that someone was shaking my leg , trying to wake me up . I called to my tent mate to stop , but he was sound asleep next to me … . under a blanket . I sat up and felt a rustling in the straw next to me . I had just woken up , but at this point I realized that I may be having a paranormal experience . As the movement went towards the front of the tent a figure appeared before me , right outside the tent flaps . I looked up to see a Confederate soldier staring at me . I can plainly remember his face and uniform as if it were a real person . The apparition had a slight bluish tint to it and the man was dirty with torn trousers and a scruffy beard . After about five seconds the ghost turned around and disappeared about ten feet away . I found out later that the place where we were camped was near a Confederate field hospital during and after the battle . story A friend of mine told me about your web site and I must say that I really enjoy all of the stories . I thought I would share a story that was told to me by my grandmother . We both believe in ghosts and I think she knew that I would appreciate what she was about to tell me . My grandmother 's sister ( my great aunt ) use to llive in New York , while my grandmother and their mother ( my great grandmother ) lived in Maryland . One night , my great aunt was reading a book in her bed before going to sleep . She says that something made her look up . When she did , she saw the image of my great grandmother ( her mother ) standing in the doorway . My great grandmother just smiled and faded away . My great aunt didn 't think anything of it , dismissing it as just being tired and her mother being in her thoughts . A couple of weeks later , my great aunt was visiting my great grandmother in Maryland . My great grandmother asked her if she remembered when she visited her . My great aunt said , " Sure , Mom , you and Sis have visited me often . " My great grandmother said " No , I mean the time when you were reading in your bed . " Needless to say , my great aunt got the chills , but she remembered . My great grandmother said " Good . I have visited you often , but you have nevered seen me . I just like to check on you and make sure you are okay . " story My mom told me this story , I know it 's true . One Warm night , in the summer of ' 82 , my parents went to bed late . Probably around one in the morning . They had shut off the lights , and snuggled in under a light blanket . They had been in bed in the dark for no more than ten minutes when a women spoke to them . Actually all she said was , " Stewart . " That 's my dad 's name . My dad was half asleep and thought my mom had said it . My mom was immediatly spooked . My dad said , " What ? " Of course my mom told him , " Ii didn 't say that ! " They both sat up in bed and turned on the lamp . No one was there and nothing else occured . My parents say they didn 't recognise the voice that came from the area infront of the bed . To this day my moms swears this actually happened . |
The monk comes to the edge of a cliff cutting off any hope of escape from the pursuing tiger . Fortunately for the monk , a vine happens to be growing over the edge . He grabs hold of it and begins to climb down the cliff , out of the tiger 's reach , who is by now glaring at him from above . But alas , as the monk is climbing down , he spies another tiger waiting for him below ; circling impatiently at the bottom of the cliff . To make matters worse , out of the corner of his eye he notices a mouse on a ledge above him already beginning to chew through the vine . Then out of the corner of his other eye the monk sees a strawberry growing from the rock . Once upon a time . . . an old carter kept a horse and a donkey in the same stable . He was equally fond of both his animals , but as he used the horse to pull his trap , he gave it better food and more attention than he did the donkey . However , the donkey , knowing he was not so precious as his stablemate , ate straw instead of corn and hay , without complaining . Even when both animals carried sacks to market , the donkey 's was the heavier load , for the carter did not want to overwork his noble horse , though he had no such feelings about the donkey . " I can 't go much further ! " moaned the donkey . " I 'm much weaker today ! I can hardly stand and unless I can get rid of some of this weight , I won 't be able to go on . Couldn 't you take some of my load ? " " Please , please listen ! If you don 't help me , I 'll never reach market alive . " But without even a glance , the horse haughtily replied : " Rubbish ! Come on , you 'll manage this time too ! " But this time , after a few tottering steps , the donkey dropped dead to the ground . " Poor thing ! " he said . " He served me well for so many years . His load must have been too heavy . " Then he turned to the horse : " Come here ! You 'll have to carry your companion 's load too now ! " And he hoisted the donkey 's sacks onto the horse 's back . " I 'd have done better to help the donkey when he was alive , " said the horse to himself . " A little more weight wouldn 't have done me any harm . Now , I 'm frightened of collapsing myself under a double load ! " But feeling sorry too late did nothing to lighten his load . A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him when the class began ; he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls . He then asked the students if the jar was full . They agreed that it was . The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar , and shook the jar lightly . The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls . He then asked the students again if the jar was full . They agreed that it was . The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar . Of course , the sand filled up everything else . He asked once more if the jar was full . The students responded with an unanimous " yes . " The golf balls are the important things … God , your family , your children , your health , your friends and your favourite passions … and if everything else was lost and only they remained , your life would still be full . The pebbles are the other things that matter … like your job , your house and your car . The sand is everything else … the small stuff . If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you . " Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness . Play with your children . Spend time with your parents . Visit with grandparents . Take time to get medical checkups . Take your spouse out to dinner . Play another 18 . There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal . Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter . Set your priorities . The rest is just sand . " One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented . The professor smiled and said , " I 'm glad you asked . " The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem , there 's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend . " For a full tow years they went on daily , with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master 's house . Of course , the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments , perfect to the end for which it was made . But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do . After two years of what is perceived to be a bitter failure , it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream . " I am ashamed of myself and I want to apologize to you " . " Why ? " asked the bearer . " What are you ashamed of ? " " I have been able these past two years to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master 's house . Because of my flaws , you have to do all this work and you don 't get full value from your efforts , " the pot said . The bearer said to the pot , " Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path , but none on the other pots side ? That 's because I have always known about your flaw and took advantage of it . I planted flower seeds on your side of the path and every day while we walked back from the stream , you 've watered them . For two years , I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master 's table . Without being the way you are , he would not have this beauty to grace his house . Each of us has our own unique flaws . We 're all cracked pots . But if we allow it , our flaws can be used to grace other people 's lives . " If I hold it for a minute , that 's not a problem . If I hold it for an hour , I 'll have an ache in my right arm . If I hold it for a day , you 'll have to call an ambulance . " " So , before you return home tonight , put the burden of work down . Don 't carry it home . You can pick it up tomorrow . Whatever burdens you 're carrying now , let them down for a moment if you can . " " How dirty sheets she has , our neighbour ! I think she needs a new soap … Or maybe I should teach her how to wash her sheets " , the wife said . After a month , the wife was very surprised to see that her neighbour had much cleaner sheets . She told to her husband : " Look ! She learned how to wash the sheets ! Maybe another neighbour taught her ! " Now if life is coffee , then the jobs , money and position in society are the cups . They are just tools to hold and contain Life , but the quality of Life doesn 't change . Sometimes , by concentrating only on the cup , we fail to enjoy the coffee in it . " One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley . A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect . There was not a mark or a flaw in it . Yes , they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen . The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart . Suddenly , an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said " Your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine . " The crowd and the young man looked at the old man 's heart . It was beating strongly , but full of scars , it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in , but they didn 't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges . In fact , in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing . The people stared - how can he say his heart is more beautiful , they thought ? The young man looked at the old man 's heart and saw its state and laughed . " You must be joking , " he said . " Compare your heart with mine ; mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears . " " Yes , " said the old man , " Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you . You see , every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them , and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart , but because the pieces aren 't exact , I have some rough edges , which I cherish , because they remind me of the love we shared . Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away , and the other person hasn 't returned a piece of his heart to me . These are the empty gouges - giving love is taking a chance . Although these gouges are painful , they stay open , reminding me of the love I have for these people too , and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting . So now do you see what true beauty is ? " The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks . He walked up to the old man , reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart , and ripped a piece out . He offered it to the old man with trembling hands . The old man took his offering , placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man 's heart . It fit , but not perfectly , as there were some jagged edges . The young man looked at his heart , not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever , since love from the old man 's heart flowed into his . They embraced and walked away side by side . Then the experiment takes an interesting turn . One of the chimps is taken out and a new one put in her place . Now when the bananas are lowered into the cage the other chimps immediately grab the new chimp and won 't let her go near the bananas . This is done repeatedly . New chimpanzees are put in place of the original chimps until there 's a whole new set of chimps in there , none of whom have ever been sprayed with the ice water . The whole new crew has learned from each other to stay away from those bananas . He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in . In the middle of the room was a large round table . In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew , which smelled delicious and made the holy man 's mouth water . The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly . They appeared to be famished . They were holding spoons with very long handles , that were strapped to their arms and each found it impossible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful . But because the handle was longer than their arms , they could not get the spoons back into their mouths . The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering . They went to the next room and opened the door . It was exactly the same as the first one . There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man 's mouth water . The people were equipped with the same long - handled spoons , but here the people were well nourished and plump , laughing and talking . " It is simple " , said God . " It requires but one skill . You see they have learned to feed each other , while the greedy think only of themselves " . A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market . As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said , " You fools , what is a donkey for but to ride upon ? " So the man put the boy on the donkey , and they went on their way . Well , the man didn 't know what to do , but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey . By this time they had come to the town , and the passersby began to jeer and point at them . The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at . The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do . They thought and they thought , until at last they cut down a pole , tied the donkey 's feet to it , and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders . They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge , when the donkey , getting one of his feet loose , kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole . In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge , and his forefeet being tied together , he was drowned . A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants . The race began . No one in the crowd really believed the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower . The tiny frogs began collapsing , one by one - except for those who , in a fresh tempo , were climbing higher and higher . The crowd continued to yell , " It is too difficult ! No one will make it " ! Houdini was very confident in his talents . He claimed that he could escape from any Jail cell in the World in less than an hour , provided he could go into the cell dressed in street clothes . And every time he was given this challenge , he accepted and did just as he promised . He was left alone in a locked cell and in a few short minutes he would miraculously escape . He walked into the prison cell bristling with confidence . After all , he had done this hundreds of times before . Houdini hid inside his belt a special lock pick he had designed . Once the jail cell was closed , Houdini took off his coat , and set to work with his lock pick . But he discovered that something was unusual about this particular lock . An hour passed , and still he had not been able to open the door . By now he was bathed in sweat and panting in exasperation , but he still could not pick the lock . He tried all the tricks of his trade but nothing worked . After two hours and totally exhausted , Houdini literally collapsed against the door . The door swung open and he discovered it had not been locked in the first place ! It was locked only to him in his mind . Once upon a time there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing . He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work . One day he was walking along the shore . As he looked down the beach , he saw a human figure moving like a dancer . He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day . So he began to walk faster to catch up . A rural church in the middle of farming country , had a special service to pray for rain . The drought had hit the area hard and the farmers and community were suffering financially and spiritually . Many people came to the service to pray and as the pastor looked out over the crowd he was encouraged . However , the thing that inspired him most was a little girl sitting in the front pew , holding a bright red umbrella . Everyone had come to pray for rain , but only the little girl believed enough to bring an umbrella . There once was a king who was happy with life in all respects except that his only son was a hunchback . He was quite worried about this and he declared a big reward for anyone who would cure his son . However , doctors coming from all corners of the world could not cure him . Around this time , an old woman approached the king and offered to cure his son . She asked the king to lift up a statue of the prince right in the middle of the courtyard of the palace where the prince played every day . She also demanded that the statue should look exactly like the prince but without the hunch . The king gave the necessary instructions . In a year or so , everyone started seeing improvement in the posture of the prince . The king was very happy . Another year followed and the prince had no trace of the hunch left . There was a rich man who had two twin sons . One son was always optimistic and the other was very pessimistic . So the man decided to try to change things with his sons . For their birthdays , he bought the pessimistic son a room full of toys and games … everything he could possibly imagine or want . When he opened the door , the pessimistic son started crying upon seeing all of the treasures . When asked why he was crying instead of loving all of his new things , he said : " It 's just more things the other kids will steal from me or break " . He did not enjoy even a minute of playing with his gifts . For the other son , the optimistic one , the father had his room filled with horse manure . When that son opened his door and saw all the piles of smelly poop , he got all excited and started running around searching through the poop and whooping it up with glee . The father was again mystified and asked his son about his behavior . The boy replied : " With all this poop around , there 's got to be a pony in here somewhere ! " Once upon a time there was a gentleman that was thinking of making a trip around Europe . Arriving in England , he bought a guide from the airport that contained all the castles that can be visited by tourists in England along with schedules and visiting hours . On one of the pages of the guide , the gentleman saw a special offer for one of the castles , called " the castle of your life " . From the photos included in the guide , the castle was no more special or different that the others . The only thing different was that , because of reasons that will be cleared later , you were supposed to pay the ticket when you got out of the castle and not when you got in and also , the visiting hours should be fixed for each individual by calling at the telephone number showed . - The other visitors ? responded the man in the Scottish kilt . There are no other visitors . The visits to our castle are arranged individually for one person and we do not offer the services of a guide either . - These are our rules , replied the man . We do not ask our visitors to pay at the entrance . Instead , we give to each visitor a spoon with 100 gr of sand that they must keep with them during the time that they visit the castle . At the end , we measure the weight of the sand left in the spoon and we ask for one dollar for every gram missing from the spoon . Very confident in his hands , he started going up the stairs keeping his eyes on the spoon constantly . He decided not to go and visit the room where the most paintings were hanged because there was a strong wind there and he was afraid that it might spill the sand from his spoon . He wanted to go visit the room with the armors but , when he looked again he saw that he needs to jump up on a small bridge to get there and gave up because it was too risky and he could spill the sand out . For the same reason he didn 't go down the stairs also and he observed the weapon room from far away . Very pleased that the sand in the spoon was intact , he started walking towards the entrance where the Scottish guy was waiting for him . - Regrettable , said the Scottish . I will make an exception for you , he says . I will fill up the spoon again , because these are the rules , but only this time you do not have to worry about it because you will not have to pay even if you spill all the sand . The only thing is that you have 12 minutes to make the tour again , until the next visitor arrives . Without losing any more time , the gentleman starts running . He enters quickly in the paintings room , take a quick look around and than leaves in a hurry to the armors room where he does the same . When he starts running down the stairs to see the weapon room , he realizes that 11 minutes have already passed and he has no time to see it . So he starts running to the entrance where the Scottish was expecting him . - There are people who pass through the Castle of Life trying not to pay for anything and they cannot enjoy this journey . There are others who are in a hurry all the time and pass through it in high speed not enjoying anything . There are very few that can understand the wisdom of life . They discover every corner of it and take the time to enjoy it . They know that they have to pay for everything but , they understand that there are things that are worth paying for . Online Psychology Tests Defensive Mechanisms Blog Articles Garda Welcome ! 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" Line up , line up ! " We crowded near the top of the stairs in our new pajamas . Mom was first , carrying a fragile wrapped gift in her arms . Nathan was after her , then Kiyna , Kinsey , Neal , and finally me . Dad was already downstairs . He always went down first to turn on the Christmas tree lights . It was still dark outside and the living room was lit only by the lights from the tree . " Careful , " Mom cautioned as we made our way excitedly down the stairs . I bumped into Neal somewhere near the bottom step and I grabbed his shoulders to keep him from falling . " Kira , " he complained . " Oh , you 're fine , " I mumbled . " Hurry up . " Mom sat down on the couch and cradled the precious gift on her lap . Usually , we all grab our stockings and then start ripping , but not this time . I picked up my gift for Kiy and carried it to Mom . I could see the tears shining in her eyes as she carefully unwrapped the blanket from Kiy 's arms and sat her up . She still looked so pale and small ! I handed her the package . Kiy was too weak to tear the paper herself , so Mom helped her . Within a few seconds , the doll 's blue eyes stared up at Kiy from the torn paper . Kiy looked up at me and smiled . " Ra - ra , " she whispered and reached for me . I hugged her gently and carefully while the tears slid down my cheeks . I looked at Mom and she was crying too . " You know , Mom , " I said , " the best gifts aren 't wrapped in Christmas paper . " I glanced across the room at Dad . He was trying to get Nathan to open one of his presents . I laughed , " Guess what , Dad ? " " What ? " Dad asked . I gently stroked Kiy 's wispy curls . " I believe in miracles . " He smiled . " And in Santa Claus ? " he questioned . I looked around at the mound of unopened gifts . " And in Santa Claus ! " The End I could hear the phone ringing , but I guess Grandma couldn 't . She must have taken out her hearing aids because after about eight rings she still hadn 't answered it . I dragged myself out of bed and down the hall to Mom and Dad 's bedroom . Nathan was still asleep on their bed , so it must have been early . I hadn 't grabbed my glasses , so it took a minute to get my eyes to focus on the numbers on the clock , 9 : 15 . " It 's pretty early , " I grumbled as a picked up the still ringing phone . " Hello ? " I croaked . " All right ! " I yelled . I could hear both Mom and Dad laughing on the other end of the line . Nathan sat up and rubbed his eyes . " Well , " I said into the phone , " that 's one . " " What ? " Mom asked . She was still laughing . " We managed to wake Nathan up already , " I said , pulling him into my arms for a good morning hug . Suddenly , my tired brain understood what Mom had just said . " What happened ? Is she fine ? How does she look ? Can she talk now ? " The questions tumbled out of my mouth before Mom could answer any of them . " Slow down , " she said , " one question at a time . " Mom laughed again . " Kiylee had a peaceful night . This morning , our regular pediatrician came in to see her . After looking her over , he said , ' I think after a few more hours of observation , she can go home today ! ' " I squeezed Nathan and he stared at me with his big brown eyes . He probably thought I was crazy ! " I 'll get everyone ready . Tell Dad to hurry ! " definitely one of them , but I couldn 't make out the others . I shrugged . Must be a nurse , I thought to myself . Kiy 's door was wide open , so I stepped inside her downstairs and grab something to eat ? Glen and I can sit with her for a little while . " I glanced quickly at Mom 's face . She looked so tired ! She definitely needed a break . " Yeah , " I said , " Neal and I can stay here toys . A couple of little boys had a new sled and they were trying to get it to slide , but the crunchy stuff wouldn 't let them get very far . Some other kids were riding new bikes in their garage . We could see them going around and around in little circles . I looked around at my brothers and sisters . They didn 't look very happy and neither did Dad . So far , Christmas Day had been much different for us than it had been for these other families . Of course , it wasn 't really Christmas Day for us . Santa had avoided our house and he wouldn 't come until Kiy was home , and nobody knew when that would be . Dad pulled into our driveway and everybody piled out . I helped Nathan out of his car seat and set him down on the cold concrete . He immediately started whining , so I picked him up and carried him into the house . Christmas decorations were everywhere and presents were still lying under the tree , but I didn 't see them . As I held my little brother and he snuggled in my arms , I knew I couldn 't blame him for what had happened to Kiy . He really didn 't understand . Tears blinded my eyes as I door quietly and pulled down the blankets on my bed . After tugging at Nathan 's shoes and then my own , we climbed in my bed . He was already starting to snooze and his little face looked so innocent and sweet . Gently I removed his coat and then my own . I rested my chin on his soft hair and closed my eyes . It was starting to get dark when I heard Dad calling my name . " Kira ! Kira , wake up ! " Nathan was gone and I was wrapped tightly in my blankets . Dad was calling from the entryway , which meant that I had to get up and open the door to talk to him . My head still felt groggy as I dragged myself out of bed . I stumbled to the door and opened it . " What ? " Dad had a big old grin on his face . " They 're moving Kiy out of the PICU and into a regular room ! She 's doing great ! I told you there is a good reason to believe in miracles ! " I think I flew down the stairs . I gave Dad a hug and we danced a little jig . " Is Mom still on the phone ? " I asked . " I want to talk to her . " Dad let go of my hand and glanced at the clock in the kitchen . " I think you 'd better wait a little longer to make sure they are settled in the new room before you call . " He picked up a piece of paper from the table . " Here 's the new number , but wait until 6 : 30 . " It was only 6 : 10 . How could I wait ? I wanted to talk to Kiy ! I sat down in the living room and stared into the lights of the Christmas tree , but I couldn 't just sit for long . I was too excited . I jumped up and headed for the fridge . My stomach was growling . I was finally hungry and the thought of food didn 't make me feel like I wanted to throw up . I fixed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk and sat at the kitchen table to eat it . Grandma was crocheting and the kids were watching Miracle on 34th Street . . I glanced again at the clock , 6 : 20 . Time seemed to be crawling . I forced myself to concentrate on my sandwich , but by 6 : 22 , it was gone . Since Mom wasn 't home to give me a bad time , I brushed my crumbs on the floor and carried my empty glass to the sink . Only eight more minutes ! I could wait for eight more minutes . I wandered restlessly to the living room and sat down at the piano . Kiy loved to play the piano , I remembered . I plunked out the melody to Jingle Bells . I should have practiced more when Mom and Dad were paying for lessons . I started over and that time I was able to put in a couple of the left - hand notes . After a couple more tries , I suddenly remembered Kiy . I jumped from the piano bench and headed for the kitchen phone . The family room clock said 6 : 29 , so I grabbed the phone number and quickly began to dial . My fingers shook with excitement as I punched the last number . Mom answered the phone . Her voice sounded so good ! " Hello ? " " Hi , Mom , it 's Kira . Can I talk to Kiy ? " Mom laughed , I mean , she actually laughed ! " Wait a minute , " she said . " Don 't I get to say anything first ? " " OK , " I apologized . " What did you want to tell me ? " Mom paused for a moment . " Well , " she said . " First of all , you can 't talk to Kiy . " My heart dropped in my chest and a lump rose in my throat . " Why not ? " I finally croaked . " Honey , she 's still on medication and she 's still groggy , " Mom explained . " She hasn 't even responded to me yet . " Mom quickly added , " But she is sleeping peacefully and they have removed all of the monitors except the heart one . " I didn 't say anything ; I couldn 't . I swallowed the tears , but they kept coming back . I just wanted to talk to Kiy ! Mom must have sensed that I was upset , because she finally said , " I 'll tell you what . I 'll put the phone up by her ear and you can talk to her . She will probably hear you even if she can 't talk back . " " OK , " I said . At least it was better than nothing . " Here she is , " Mom said . " Hi , Kiy , " I began . Suddenly the tears came . I found myself apologizing all over again as I imagined my tiny sister curled up in a ball in the middle of that big hospital bed . " I 'll make it up to you , Kiy , " I promised . " I 'll take you for a bike ride and we 'll go to the park . I 'll paint your fingernails and you can sleep in my bed . " I made do , I took a deep breath so I could say goodbye . Then I heard a tiny , sleepy voice , " Ra - ra . " That was it . I lost it . My name was the first thing she said when she woke up . Suddenly I heard Mom 's teary voice . " Did you hear her ? " she asked quietly . " I did . She said Kira ! " I couldn 't keep the excitement or the tears out of my voice . " Mom ? " " What ? " " When will she be able to come home ? " " I don 't know , Honey . Hopefully soon . They just want to keep an eye on her to make sure she 's OK . " Mom sighed . " We probably won 't know about brain damage for quite a while . " I swallowed hard . " Ask the nurse , OK ? " I begged . Mom put the phone to her chest . I know , because I could actually hear her heart beating . A moment later , she was back . " The nurse said maybe by the weekend , but not to get our hopes up ! " Mom said breathlessly . " All right ! I 'll tell the kids and we 'll start planning Christmas . " Now I was excited . It was Thursday night , so that was only a few days away . We still had a lot of work to do . I still had presents to wrap . " Kira ? " Mom 's voice brought me back to the phone . " What ? " " I love you , " she said quietly . " Give the kids a hug for me . " " I will , " I promised . " And Mom ? Don 't worry so much . We 're fine here . " " I 'm glad to know that , " she said . " I 'm so tired and so worried about Kiy . The last 24 hours seem like a lifetime . " " I know . We 'll take care of everything , you just get some sleep . " I thought a minute . " And Mom ? Give Kiy a hug for me . " " Aren 't you and Neal still coming back over with Dad ? " " Oh , yeah ! " I had forgotten . " Good , " Mom responded , " You can hug her for yourself . " " Bye , Mom . " I barely heard her say goodbye as I hung up the phone . I had to get ready . I was pulling on my shoes when Neal wandered back into the room . " What 's up ? " he asked . I looked up from tying my tennis shoes and grinned . " Kiy said Kira , " I bragged . " So ? " he answered . I could tell he was jealous . " Dad ! " I yelled . " Are we ready to go ? " " In a minute , " he called . I could hear him telling Kinsey and Kiyna and Nathan to watch a movie and be good for Grandma . Neal ran to the mudroom for his shoes . I brushed past him and pulled open the door to the garage . The rush of cool air felt good on my hot cheeks . I climbed into the front seat and shut the door . After several Just then , the door opened and Neal and Dad both came into the garage . I yanked the seat to its upright position . " Let 's go ! " I said . Dad grinned . He looked much better after his nap . Neal was excited too . Dad hit the button to the garage door and started the car . It was dark outside and snow was falling lightly as we pulled out of the neighborhood and onto 22nd West . There weren 't many cars on the road . I guess everybody was at home , playing with their new Christmas toys , watching Christmas movies , and eating Christmas dinner . Only the Christensens were driving to the hospital . I shook myself . I didn 't care what anybody else was doing . Kiy was all that mattered . And what mattered now was that she was getting better . I didn 't sleep much . I kept seeing her tiny blue body floating in the big green tub . I snatched her and held her . Then the helicopter little body to my shirt that was stained with poop and throw up . At the hospital , I would run up and down all of the halls , clutching Kiy and crying , looking for Mom and Dad and not being able to find them . I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks when Grandma turned on the light . " Kira , are you OK , Honey ? " she asked . " I just want Kiy , " I sobbed . Grandma sat on the edge of my bed and put her arms around me . She hugged me close and whispered , " Everything 's going to be OK . Just try to go back to sleep . " I dozed off again and when I opened my eyes , the bright sun shone through my window . It was Christmas ! But then I remembered Kiy . Was it a dream ? I dragged myself out of bed and with Kiy . The tears came again as my mind wandered through the events of Christmas Eve . I flopped down on their bed and pulled a pillow over my head . I was vaguely aware of the phone ringing from far away . I was so glad to hear Dad 's voice . He told us that he would be coming home for a few hours to check on us . Mom was going to stay with Kiy . The doctor hadn 't been in yet , but they almost had Kiy 's fever down and they were hoping that she could come off the respirator sometime on Christmas Day . He also said that they still had Kiy under sedation so that she would not pull out her respirator by herself . She also had a catheter , two IVs in her forehead , and lots of other wires and tubes . Dad explained that because the water was so cold when we found her , Kiy 's body temperature was about 72 degrees when she got to the emergency room . The doctors were very concerned about bringing her temperature up before hypothermia set in . They decided to warm her from the inside out . They took out some blood , warmed it up and put it back in . They repeated this over and over again all night long until she was warm . Then about 4 : 00 a . m . , when she finally warmed up , she started running a fever . He said they weren 't even able to touch her for a while , but she was finally sleeping , so he was going to come home . I think they were worried that we would be disappointed because Santa Claus had not visited us . They should have known that we were just worried about Kiy . The only Christmas present any of us wanted was to know that Kiy would be fine and coming home soon . We quickly straightened up the house for Dad . He didn 't need any more stress from us , but he didn 't show up for about three hours . Just as he was about to leave the hospital , the nurses decided to take Kiy off the respirator . They said she was breathing on her own and progressing wonderfully . Dad said that the nurses thought that Kiy would probably be able to come home around New Year 's Day . We were so happy ! We could wait until New Year 's Day . We could wait until Valentine 's Day , as long as we knew she would be coming home ! Then Dad gave us the best news . We needed to find our coats and shoes and we could all go and see her . I think we were all in the van in less than five minutes . Dad wanted a quick shower and a change of clothes . He also had to gather a few things for Mom and we were all waiting patiently in our seat belts when he finally locked the front door . It took us about 30 minutes to drive to the hospital . The van was incredibly quiet . We had no idea what to expect . We were nervous and scared and excited all at the same time . Dad looked very tired . I sat in Mom 's seat in the front , but he didn 't want to have a conversation , so I stared out the window and watched the lines of the freeway pass by . Dad parked the van in the visitor 's parking lot and we all climbed out . Nathan didn 't want to go inside the large unfamiliar building . He hung on my hand until Dad finally picked Nate up and put him on his shoulders . The lobby was huge with a high ceiling and several elevators . Kiy was officially in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit , but most people called it the PICU . Nathan had always hated elevators and he had a short tantrum before we were able to get everyone inside and the right buttons pushed . As we stepped off the elevator , Dad led us into a smaller waiting room with a couple of TVs and a large aquarium . It also had lots of chairs and a couple of couches . A half dozen people were lounged there . Some were even sleeping on the couches with their belongings scattered around like they were actually living at the hospital . Dad opened a door and we entered a room about the size of Mom and Dad 's walk - in closet at home . It contained a bed a little bigger than mine and an alarm clock . Other than that , there was a small walking space and nothing else . " What 's this ? " I asked Dad curiously . " This is our room , " Dad replied . " You slept here ? " I couldn 't believe it . " Yes , " Dad said . " And so did Mom . " He sat down on the edge of the bed . " Well , when we did sleep . " Dad continued , " One of us stayed with Kiy all the time until about 4 : 00 a . m . when we couldn 't even touch her because of her fever . " Dad rubbed a tired hand across his beard . " Then we came in here and slept until about 6 : 00 . " I put my arm around Dad 's shoulders and gave him a squeeze . He seemed to need a hug , because he squeezed back . Then Neal tugged open the heavy door and we found ourselves in the waiting room again . We stepped through another doorway and then we were standing outside the blue double doors that led into the PICU . Even Nathan was very quiet . There weren 't any signs or anything , but we could hear the monitors and buzzing sounds before we even opened the doors . Kiy was in the very first bed on the east side of the room . The sun was streaming through the window , lighting up her bed . Mom was sitting in a chair right next to the bed . She wasn 't asleep , but she looked like she should have been . I was a little nervous . Mom had said on the phone that she wasn 't mad at me , but I wasn 't sure how she was going to react until she looked up and saw us all standing there by the door . She stretched her arms into a wide hug big enough for all of us and we ran to her . Mom squeezed us all like she hadn 't seen us for months . When she finally let go , I peeked over at the bed to see Kiy . I was afraid to look at her . Dad had said that she was all bloated from the IVs and she had wires everywhere , but I wasn 't ready for what I saw . That baby lying in the crib didn 't even was matted to her swollen face . Her big blue eyes were tightly closed beneath two huge round circles taping needles into her forehead . She sucked quietly on a pink preemie pacifier . At least the pacifier was familiar . She always had one in her mouth at home . Kiy was only wearing a diaper and I could see one big wire hooked into the inside of her leg just above her knee . She had three round circles with what looked like snaps on them attached to her chest and there were wires connected to the snaps and then into several big machines . I knew one of them was a heart monitor , because I 'd seen stuff like that on TV . I didn 't know about the other one . Her feet and hands were still pretty blue and they looked cold . I wanted to touch one , but I was afraid to . I looked at Mom and her eyes were full of tears . She was hugging Nathan and he was struggling to get away . Grandma and Dad were crying too . I couldn 't help it when my own eyes began to water . What a Christmas Day ! It was my fault that we were all there in the hospital when we should have been home opening presents and eating Christmas cookies . And my poor little Kiy ! What had I done to her ? Why didn 't I stay in Mom and Dad 's room after they left ? Why didn 't I wake her up and take her downstairs and get her some cereal and watch a movie with her instead of leaving her in the bedroom all by herself ? I hung my head and let the tears fall . Deep in my heart , I knew that it wasn 't my fault . I knew it wasn 't Nathan 's fault either . It was nobody 's fault , it was just an accident . A terrible , awful , horrible accident ; and it happened to my little Kiy ! Suddenly , I felt Mom 's arms around me . I turned and sobbed into her shirt . " Why did this have to happen to Kiy ? " I choked . " She is so sweet and so tiny and so . . . . " My words were muffled as Mom stroked my hair . " There must been some reason that we all needed to go through this experience . We just need to be grateful that she is still with us . The doctor says that she will probably not die , but we won 't know about brain damage or physical damage for a while . " I slowly lifted my head and stared into Mom 's cloudy blue eyes . " Brain damage ? " I questioned . Mom still held me in her arms , but she was looking at Kiy . " Yes , " she said quietly , " The doctors say that it is far too soon to know if there will be any permanent damage . We 'll just have to wait and see . " " Wait and see . " The words echoed in my brain . What kind of brain damage ? Would she be able to walk ? Talk ? Feed herself ? And what could happen to her physically ? She was off the respirator , so I knew that she would be able to breathe on her own , but would she have lung damage ? Heart damage ? These disturbing thoughts swirled through my brain like the snow that was beginning to fall in spite of the sun . I walked to the window and stared at the half - full parking lot . How many other families were spending their Christmas Day like we were ? Were their babies hovering between life and death with such uncertain futures ? Did they blame themselves and wonder what they could have done to make sure their babies were safe and healthy ? I felt Dad 's hand resting on my shoulder . It didn 't make me jump , it was just kind of comforting . I turned to meet his eyes . They were red and puffy with dark circles like he hadn 't slept in days . " Should we go ? " he suggested . I turned back to Mom . She was holding up Nathan so he could see Kiy . He wasn 't impressed . I don 't think he even thought it was Kiy . I looked quickly at Dad . " Can 't I stay ? " I asked . " Just for a little while ? " Dad was about to say , " No , " I could tell , when Mom answered for him . " I think it would be a good idea if both Kira and Neal spent a little time with Kiy . " She squeezed Dad 's hand . " Why don 't you take Grandma and the kids home , grab a little nap , and then come back ? Then Kira and Neal can ride back with you and spend some time with Kiy . " Dad agreed . He certainly was tired and he did need a nap . We started gathering the kids together and putting on their coats . We were just getting ready to leave when the blue double doors opened to a face that looked vaguely familiar to me . She was a young , blonde woman in green doctor 's clothes . She gave me a big smile and then she turned to Kiy . " How is Kiylee doing ? From what the doctor said , it only looks like good news . " I must have had a puzzled look on my face because she said , about our little Kiylee here all night until I had to come in and see for myself that she was OK . " " I knew you looked familiar , " I said . I turned to everybody , " Do you guys remember Amy ? " They all had blank looks until I said , " The helicopter ride ? Remember ? " Amy come out to the launch pad and look at the helicopter before you go home . Would you like to go now ? " When we left Mom and Kiy in the PICU , I wasn 't sure if I could ever be happy until Kiy was safe at home , but Amy 's smile was contagious . She seemed so positive that Kiy would be fine that I started to believe she was right . After all , she was a nurse and she 'd seen lots of babies like Kiy survive horrible accidents . Amy knew what she was talking about ! Besides , I 'd never been inside a real helicopter before . The launch pad was on the top of one of the buildings of the hospital . I was glad that Dad was with us so that he could hold onto Nathan . I held Kiyna 's hand on one side and Kinsey 's hand on the other . I didn 't want more accidents with any of my other little sisters . Neal walked ahead with Amy . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I 'm sure that he was driving her crazy with all kinds of dumb questions . The helicopter seemed huge when it landed on our street , but when we got up close to it , I could see that it wasn 't really that big at all . In fact , the inside was smaller than the ambulance we had seen on our field trip to the fire station , but it had the same type of equipment . There were all kinds of monitors and machines and medicines . They had a little refrigerator that held blood and other stuff that needed to be kept cold . Everything was wrapped in plastic and very sanitary . The little bed that they put Kiy in was strapped to one wall . There were a couple of seats plus the seats up front for the pilot . Amy climbed up inside the helicopter . She looked like she belonged there . She pointed to the machines and began explaining what each one was for . We listened for a while until Nathan decided he was ready to go home . He started tugging on Dad 's hand and throwing a fit , so we thanked Amy and she led us back to the elevator . I hope I never see that helicopter up close again ! We crossed the parking lot and headed for our van . I usually held onto Kiy when we went anywhere , but she wasn 't there , so I held onto Kiyna . She probably thought I was weird , but she didn 't say anything . Dad helped Nathan and Grandma up into the van and the rest of us crowded in . I usually get the front seat when Mom is not with us , but I didn 't say anything when Grandma clicked her seatbelt and settled there . Part of me was glad that Grandma was with us , but the other part of me felt like I could have watched the kids without her . I was hoping that Mom and Dad would still trust me to baby sit when they weren 't home . Not that I particularly like being home alone at night , but I could still watch everybody during the day . The wailing of an ambulance interrupted my thoughts . My heart started thumping and I linked my hands together . I craned my neck to see the flashing red lights . Dad pulled over to the curb and we watched the red and white vehicle go whizzing by us toward the hospital . Kinsey started to cry softly . Dad turned to see what was wrong and I watched the sadness fill his eyes when he figured out that nobody was picking on her . I swallowed the lump in my own throat and rested my head against the cool glass of the window . Nothing was over yet . " Line up , line up ! " We crowded near the top of the stairs in our new pajamas . Mom was first , carrying a fragile wrapped gift in her arms . Na . . . Hello , I 'm Dog Walker from Twelve Makes a Dozen , The Art of Autism and Utah Boy Scouts . Welcome to Kiylee 's Christmas . This blog . . . |
This blog was started to make fun of the Homewrecking - Slut . I don 't talk about her much anymore . I do other things with the blog now , but for the most part it 's sort of a diary . So if you don 't care what I had for lunch , and the current post doesn 't interest you , maybe you should check out something in the popular posts section . Here I am typing on the laptop , which I really don 't care for when I have the choice . But , this is where the Internet is connected at the moment , despite the fact that I 've made it quite clear how I want things left , with the older computer connected to the Internet and the printer , and the laptop not connected to anything ( except when we are uploaded videos or doing business stuff with it ) . Laptops do not so much function as laptops when there are all these wires and such coming out of them . So , here I am trying to type on the Mickey Mouse keyboard that is part of the laptop , looking at the little screen that is part of the laptop , etc . . . . I did ask yesterday about the process of switching the Internet from one computer to the other , and I was told that I neglected to turn something off and on again . So , I tried that this morning , and it didn 't seem to do anything . So , I thought that maybe in addition to that I was supposed to also turn the computer itself off and on , but again that did not seem to accomplish anything . So I guess I will have to watch him demonstrate the process , I will need to do that later today , unless I leave the Internet hooked up to the laptop all day , which I do not think that I would care for . The extended deadline for the video contest is today , and I am debating about doing one last video . I have redone the three others , and posted two of them . I think I will leave the first one alone , just in case those votes do count for something . The videos are not as fun as they were to begin with , but now I really need the money . So I have to keep trying . And even with that it is probably time to give up and go work at McDonald 's . Not that McDonald 's is hiring , and I don 't speak Spanish so I wouldn 't be able to talk to anyone anyway . I went to Irving yesterday , and while it took longer than I expected and I got a bit of a headache and such for going out so long without lunch , I got most of what I wanted accomplished , except in the Halloween costume department . And with all that is going on , I shouldn ' Posted by If you have been reading , you know that my husband was out of town most of last week . And he works evenings , so except for watching House last Monday , he didn 't get to watch any of the new TV shows . So I figured that he would catch up on some of the stuff by watching Hulu and such on Sunday . Instead he spent most of the day blogging , and then downloaded Merlin and Being Erica . The only thing he watched on Hulu was Dollhouse . So I can 't talk to him about anything I watched last week . I can 't ask him what he thinks of Flashforward if he hasn 't seen it . So yesterday he is in here blogging again , and after he finishes a post I tell him he should at least watch Flashforward in the hour he has left before he goes to work . So he does that , and I watch most of it with him , though I have to leave the room a few times because I was cooking something . Anyway , he gets annoyed with this computer . He thinks it is too slow and he thinks Hulu is to slow and he 'd rather download everything , and I think most of the time he is being too picky about that . He decides that he should at least try to watch the stuff on the new laptop , which is annoying to me , since the laptop has a smaller screen . But I don 't complain when he does it just this once , cause I have already seen Flashforward , and I have the cooking to deal with anyway . So I come back , and he has the laptop hooked up to the Internet , and he watches Flashforward , and I watch most of it , and I go and get our lunch and we eat it in here while we watch Hulu . And then I have to go clean up from lunch , and he wants to know if I want the Internet left on the laptop , or if I want everything put back the way it was . I want everything put back the way it was . So I think that everything is put back the way it was , and I clean up some of the stuff from lunch , and he gets ready to leave for work . And he leaves , and I have some stuff I have planned to do , only I decide to look at some stuff on the Internet first . And I usually find some stuff on Hulu to watch in between doing other things , likePosted by Well , I never get as much accomplished as I might want to , but I did get some work done last week . But before I get all happy about it , I have to remember that the major cleaning and sorting I did was just in one room . And it isn 't even that I got a whole room cleaned and sorted , just I mainly got half of the room cleaned and sorted . And there are still things in boxes that I have to go back and look at later . But there are shelves that had everything removed and cleaned and then put back , and there were a few boxes of books that were sold , and there were several bags of trash that went to the curb , and there were two boxes of other things taken away . How that still leaves boxes on the floor to be sorted out , I 'm not sure . And that is in addition to the boxes that are always there that have already been sorted out . So that took most of four days to do that work , and little else , though I did do just a tiny bit of the regular work of doing the dishes and cooking and such . With it just being me by myself I didn 't have as much of that to do and I decided to put off doing the laundry since I would have more laundry to do today anyway . Anyway , if it takes most of my week just to do most of half of a room , when I am really trying , how long would it take to do the other half of the room , plus three more rooms , while trying to keep up with the regular stuff of washing dishes and cooking and laundry and such ? And with all of this cleaning and sorting and such , why are things still missing ? Why can 't I find the second season DVD of Land of the Lost , and why is the relatively recently acquired Aliens DVD missing ? Okay , back to the question of the cleaning and sorting . If it takes me most of a week to clean most of half of a room , and I still have the other half of the room and three other rooms left to work on , I guess that would take me another seven weeks , in addition to whatever time I would have to spend doing normal stuff like laundry and trying to somewhat keep the kitchen in order . And I don 't seem to get anything done exPosted by And , since I had the house to myself , I actually decided to watch TV and such . When there is no one else in the house , you can do that sort of thing . But now I am tired and wanting to go back to sleep . Again , since there is no one else here , I could do that if I wanted . Or , at least , I could try . But it probably won 't work . The sun is up now and everything . I think I will fry an egg and see how I feel after that . The giant heap of stuff next to the bed has become a smaller heap of stuff , and maybe it will get smaller still and I can at least put the stuff in boxes to be sorted out later . At least , I tell myself that I will sort out the boxes later . Anyway , stuff in boxes on the floor is a bit neater than just stuff on the floor without the boxes . I guess I did the easy stuff Tuesday , though it didn 't seem easy at the time . Maybe it is more accurate to say that I did the obvious stuff Tuesday . Wednesday I still through away another bag of garbage , but it took longer to find that much stuff I didn 't want anymore . Finding that much stuff today would take longer still , so I think I will stop trying at about lunch time and switch to something else . Two more days and nights with the house to myself . On Saturday I have plans . I 'm looking for stuff that could be made into Halloween decorations . Halloween is getting close now . My husband found another hundred dollars . I guess he won 't get stranded out of town now . Yesterday , the power went off , then on , then off , and then it went back and forth so fast I didn 't count . And then it just stayed off for a while , but still less than an hour . I gave up and read a bit of a book . I don 't read much anymore . My eyes aren 't good and I don 't enjoy it like I used to . It rains a lot now . It doesn 't just pour down rain day and night , but we do get wet for a little while , and it doesn 't stop long enough to dry out from last week . All this water going to waste . I wish I had been able to start a fall garden . But at this point the seeds would just get washed away , and I don 't have money to buy seedPosted by Yesterday while I was trying to get the husband started on his trip , I took a moment to change into regular pants . It is good that I did this , cause he would have locked me out of the house again if I had gone out to say goodbye to him still wearing my pajamas . But I had this feeling that regular clothes would be needed , and I remembered to put my keys in my pocket , and I did not get stuck outside when he started to drive away after he had locked the door behind us . That was at six in the morning . I would say that I got to work immediately , but that would not be entirely true . I did watch Heroes , though I did not watch it all the way through and got the dishes done and ate breakfast before it was over . It is odd for me now to have anything accomplished before nine in the morning . After that I wasted some time trying to find a place to watch The Big Bang Theory , but now I have found a good place for that and it will not be such a headache if I want to watch it and a few other things next week . After that , I tried to get down to the serious cleaning and sorting . The sorting gets done on the bed . The bed is a large area when no one is on it , so it is perfect for sorting things , except that eventually it has to go back to being used for it 's original purpose . So clothes and books and other stuff are piled onto the bed and sorted through , until such time as I can 't stand to look at it anymore , and then I go and watch something on Hulu , or I briefly go and deal with something somewhere else in the house . And then it is back to the sorting . At one point I had thrown away a bag of garbage and had half a box of books to be sold ( that in addition to the two and a half boxes I took away Monday ) , and I was thinking to myself that I had made some major progress . I put a few things out in the hallway that I will probably give to Goodwill . And then it was seven o ' clock , and while there wasn 't anything particularly interesting that I wanted to see on TV , I still thought it best to clear start clearing the bed as I would want to sleepPosted by Yesterday , I was getting ready to go to Shreveport for two days . Not that there is anything special in Shreveport that I would have money for , but I thought that it would be nice to get out of the house , maybe take a swim if the weather was nice , watch cable , get some knitting done , etc . . . . And then his boss called and changed his schedule all around so that he worked five days in Oklahoma instead of two days in Shreveport . And while it is usually better to work a whole week instead of just a couple of days , this is another one of those times when he doesn 't have enough money to pay for the trip . But , again , he didn 't say that , he just agreed to the schedule change . Usually , when going somewhere this far away , he would leave the day before and come home the day after . So , that would be six days in a motel room . I didn 't go with him because a . ) I didn 't want to be gone that long , b . ) I have plans on Saturday , and c . ) he doesn 't have enough money to be away for six days . In fact , with only about two hundred dollars , I don 't think that he has enough money to go on this trip at all , but I didn 't argue with him this time . If he wants to go and get stranded in Oklahoma , that 's his business . Anyway , I did not go with him , so he won 't have to have a motel room Saturday night . And he left early this morning instead of yesterday , so that 's another night 's room that he didn 't need ( though it will make for a very long day today and another long day on Saturday ) . We sent him off with a lot of food , so if he can keep it from spoiling he shouldn 't spend much money on that . So , he should have just enough to get by , if he doesn 't have to buy gas . Of course , he is driving to Oklahoma , so of course he will need to buy gas . Whatever . Maybe a check will clear by Thursday , and maybe it won 't . Anyway , I 'm staying here and maybe cleaning this place up a bit , or maybe doing another video , or maybe doing some knitting . It isn 't even lunch time yet , so I should still have time to get something done today , not to mention the rest of the week . On a Posted by In the very late seventies , my dad bought us a VCR . It was a Beta . When you put the tape in the machine this thing popped up out the top and sort of looked like part of Mr . Spock 's science station . It did not have a remote control , but it had this pause button on a wire that you could use when you were recording or playing a tape . The Beta tapes were smaller than VHS , and were better than the VHS available at the time . I don 't even remember what brand we bought , just that it was something we had actually heard of before we went to the store . The VCR worked just fine , and with the pause button on a wire I would sometimes edit out commercials . I taped the ABC airings of the first two Star Trek movies with additional footage . We got a card to rent videos at some local independently owned video library . Life was good . At some point , it was decided that American public did not need both the VHS and the Beta ( though professionals continued to use Beta for a while ) , and we could no longer buy or rent movies on VHS . We could still buy blank tapes and record stuff off of the TV . After a time , my dad bought a VHS . It didn 't work as well as the older Beta machine , but at least we could rent new movies again . Around 1989 or 1990 , my dad gave me the Beta . It still worked , and I still had some movies that I had bought on Beta . And I could still record stuff off of the TV on blank tapes . We got a VHS player that did not record , so we watched new movies on that . My house was robbed . They left the Beta and took the cheap VHS player . And then the local stores stopped selling blank Beta tapes , and we had to buy a VHS that would record stuff of off the TV . I eventually replaced all the movies I had on Beta and gave up the Beta machine . I don 't remember what year that was , just that I did not have the Beta machine when I moved in 1999 . If someone out there has my Beta machine , it probably still works . While the VHS tapes did finally look as good as the old Betas ( or at least , if they didn 't I just got used to how they looked ) , the machines thePosted by I used to do the whole coupon thing , where you cut out a bunch of coupons and wait for things to go on sale , and then you get some stuff for free or almost free . At the checkout you pay twenty bucks for stuff that originally would have cost a hundred dollars , so you saved eighty dollars . Not really , cause I would never pay a hundred dollars for that stuff , but I liked the way it sounds . At some point I decided to quit doing that and try to eat better . The saving money thing and the eating better thing don 't always work together . Like , if you are at the pizza buffet , once you 've already paid to get in , you might as well get your money 's worth and eat lots of pizza , but eating a lot of pizza isn 't good for you . Or , you might be trying to eat lean stuff like turkey , but eating hamburgers is cheaper . Or , you might get a good deal on after - holiday candy , but it would be better for you to eat fruit instead . So I got out of the habit of clipping coupons , so that the coupons wouldn 't influence my decision making at the grocery store . And it worked for a time , and I lost about twenty pounds . I have put them back on now , but I didn 't get back into the coupon thing . I still use them once in a while , but I don 't spend a lot of time doing it , and I 'm not as organized anymore . Once I found a display of Christmas Crunch . That 's like Captain Crunch , except that it is green and red . It was about a week after Christmas , and they had a big end cap display of the stuff , and it was on clearance for $ 0 . 99 . I had a dollar off coupon and another coupon for $ 0 . 75 . So I got one box for free , and the other one for $ 0 . 25 . I bought some other stuff and took my stuff to the car . The Christmas Crunch said it had a surprise inside , so I opened the box right there in the car to see what it was . Inside the box , but not inside the bag , was some gum and some candy and a dollar off coupon . Great . So I got the dollar coupon out of the other box , and I went back inside the store and got two more free boxes of cereal . And then I took those to the car , openPosted by Yesterday I was not happy because my husband basically got in the car and drove to an assignment in Oklahoma without enough money for a motel room and without even a full tank of gas . The day before yesterday , I had to go and get a few things from the grocery store . While I wanted a whole lot of things , I had to restrict myself to really basic things . I bought a very few food items , some tissue paper , etc . . . . To get the best prices , I went to four different stores and bought two or three things on sale at each place . While all of these stores were in the same general area ( two of them are at the same intersection ) , this still takes a bit of time , even if I didn 't drive very far . I was gone more than an hour and came back with about a dozen items . I barely had the money for what I bought . We used to have this huge jar of change . We 've spent most of it now . We are overdrawn on one of our accounts , because I just can 't seem to get through to my husband that except for big things like rent we should only use cash , and he needs to turn off the thing that automatically pays bills . We 've been charged $ 140 in overdraft fees again , because we were short like fifty cents . If we were using cash we just would have bought fifty cents less gas or something one day , and none of that would have happened . But he just doesn 't get it . So , we are overdrawn in one account , have very little cash on us ( most of which I spent yesterday getting really basic stuff that we needed ) . I really wanted to drive to Arlington to get a few things from the Asian Market , but I didn 't because a . ) we have so little money left and we have to do without a few things like that , and b . ) driving to Arlington would have used gas and I shouldn 't waste the gas if I 'm not going to get that much . We have maybe ten dollars in one account , and about that much in another account , and then we have some change in jars , but we 've mostly used up too . My husband has to go to Oklahoma on Friday , and the only reason he hasn 't had to call and tell them he can 't make it is bPosted by I am really worried now that I have done something wrong . There are two other videos that have all the names and such of the products used covered up . I would like to ask someone more about the rules , but I don 't see an email address for further information . There is a phone number and such for the credit union itself , but I would think that was just for banking information . The idea of all this being to promote the company and get more people to open accounts there , not really to explain to people about how they should make videos . And possibly , the contest itself is not even being handled by the credit union . Maybe stuff like that is handled by another company entirely . Anyway , I made a video about food and uploaded it last night . Again , by the time that happened I was very tired , and in the morning the video doesn 't seem to say what I wanted it to . It is one thing to not do well in a competition because the others are better than you . It is something else entirely to lose because you misunderstand a rule or miss something . I am not having a good day , but I won 't get into why just yet . As for the other videos , at this point , I don 't feel like making them . I am having technical difficulties that prevent me from doing the simple point and shoot things that I meant to do , and if I 'm not supposed to show names of products or places , it would be a waste of time to film anything else anyway . I don 't even think I should bother with the road trip idea , even if I could do something interesting on the subject without actually taking a trip . It looks like someone else has made a video on that subject , and I 'd rather not make a video that appears to copy someone else 's idea , even if I did have the idea first . I think that I will go look at the first three videos and see if I could do something different with them that doesn 't show company names . Well , I had thought that I would make more videos for this contest I 've entered . If my chances of winning something with one video are good , then the odds of me winning something with two videos are twice as good , and three or four or five videos would be even better . And while my first video was rather complicated ( for me , as neither of us had tried working with video before ) , the others I had planned were things that I thought would be easier . The editing and working with the voiceover bit took a lot longer than I thought on the first one , so the second one I had planned wasn 't supposed to use the voiceover at all and very little editing . I thought I would do that yesterday , and have the whole thing finished before lunch . Of course I thought that . I always think that . So I set up the camera . I put some things on the table and focused the camera on a chair , turned the camera on , and went and sat in the chair . Now , I knew that sometimes I would screw up something that I had to say , and stuff like that would be edited out and done over again , but I actually thought that I would record about five minutes of me saying what I had to say , and then maybe saying parts of it over again if I messed up anything , and then I would have two additional shots that I would need help with , go and edit out a few seconds here and there when I wasn 't saying anything , and that would be that . I really did plan it that way . First off , I was speaking very slowly when talking to the camera . So what I thought was about three minutes turned out to be about twice as long . The second problem was that I too far away from the camera for the sound to be any good . And the third thing was that I looked just awful . The video was about knitting , and while I wasn 't planning to actually do a lot of knitting during the video , I did do some knitting , and of course when I knit I look down a bit so that I can actually see what I 'm doing . And every time I look down , I look really bad . Not that I looked really good to start with . So now I don 't look good , and I ' lPosted by It is raining right now . It has mostly been raining since about Thursday , with a few dry spots here and there . It is a shame to waste all of this rain , but I hadn 't done any fall planting , and most of my spring plants are dead . So I had been wishing that I had planted something , except now that I 've gone out and looked at it , I think that we 've had so much rain that it would have just washed the seeds away . There is standing water in places , though not so much near the back of the house , so there has been no threat of water coming inside yet . The two wildflowers that I had transplanted seem to be recovering . I am wondering if I should go and get some more of them now that the intense summer heat is passing . I did not film anything yet for the new video . I meant to do that this weekend , but I forgot a few things . Like , I forgot and left the camera on when I wasn 't using it , so it was drained of power when I went back for it . And I wanted my husband 's help for some of it , and forgot he had that damned meeting to go to . He mostly kept his mouth shut . They actually came out and said that they were required to do this that and the other , or they would be replaced . It makes no sense , as this that and the other require more work from everybody , tend to annoy everybody , and have not increased anyone 's sales . It would be different if customers had asked for this that and the other , or if customers were going to buy this that or the other . So far , all this work has only resulted in one sale , and we don 't even think that it was an additional sale , just that someone bought this that or the other instead of what he normally would have purchased . It almost seems like they want to make life harder on people so that a bunch of them will quit , cause they really don 't like firing people do to lawsuits , but they are perfectly happy not scheduling people who don 't do what they are told , and they don 't seem much bothered by people leaving as long as they give notice first . So my husband mostly kept his mouth shut , and brought home leftovPosted by Today I am cleaning the dining room area , somewhat , as later today or tomorrow I will attempt to film another video . At least , I will if I find that dress I was going to wear , or if I find something else to wear . Anyway , I am partially redecorating the area with Halloween stuff , though I 'm just moving stuff from the other room . I still haven 't unpacked the other Halloween stuff from the boxes . And then there 's another video that I might work on . In fact there are several that I might work on , but not today . I believe that the contest is limited to five videos . The problem is narrowing it down to five , and which five , and once I 've decided to film something should I spend the money to really film my idea . For instance , David has this idea of feeding a hundred people with $ 20 . 09 , but he hasn 't quite figured out how to do it . I 'm pretty sure I could make a hundred meals with that amount of money , though they would be very something very small and basic like soup . But it would be a very boring video if I 'm just standing there saying that I know how to do it , without filming any cooking or anyone eating . But I don 't really want to make a hundred meals next week . Maybe I could make ten meals for two dollars , and if you wanted to make ten times that amount it would add up to a hundred meals for $ 20 . 09 . But then , that is David 's idea , and everyone knows that it is David 's idea . I 'm not sure that I should take his idea , even if he doesn 't know how to make it work and I probably do . In fact , I didn 't even want to do the coupon thing cause David was already doing food . I used to do the coupon thing , but I mostly stopped doing it several years ago when I was trying to lose weight . I know , now that you have seen my video , you don 't believe that I was trying to lose weight very hard . Still , I was at some point , and I decided to stop eating so much packaged foods and start eating more fresh vegetables , and there aren 't that many coupons for fresh vegetables , and it just wasn 't worth the effort anymore . I could do a travel thing , but Posted by The days go by , and I can 't keep them all straight . I forget what day of the week it is . I forget the date . I see the day and the date when I am blogging , but when I am away from the computer I can 't remember what it was . I am vaguely aware of what month it is , but again it doesn 't seem to mean much . It is September . I should be in a mild panic that Halloween is less than two months away , and Christmas is less than two month after that , but most of the time I am not . Unfortunately , this is not due to me being all prepared . I am not prepared for anything , I just can 't seem to focus on what I should be doing to get ready for things . So today is Friday the 11th of September . Next Thursday will be the 17th . The 17th of September is the end of the video contest , so if I am going to do anymore videos they need to get done before then , and I haven 't even started on them . And I haven 't done anything about the Halloween decorations , or the Christmas presents . Well , I 've maybe done one thing about one of the Christmas presents , but that is all . I have bought something that might work for a Halloween costume , but I haven 't done any work on it . There 's a box somewhere that has my Halloween shirts in it , and I should be wearing them by now , but I haven 't gotten the box out yet . There was something that I wanted to do on the 12th , but it has been cancelled , or maybe postponed until the 26th . There is something else I wanted to do on the 19th , but I might not go . There is a possible trip to Oklahoma that would include the 19th , and there is a possible trip to Louisiana that would include the 26th . I 've had nothing to do for months , and now I can 't do everything . I want to go , and I want to stay . My husband has to go to one of those meetings on Sunday . The meetings are hard enough , with someone who doesn 't do the job anymore ( or someone who has never done the job at all ) coming to tell you that you aren 't doing what you are supposed to do , and that you need to do better , etc . . . . On their part , those people aren 't doing anything bettPosted by I 've been reading a blog where someone tries to eat just a dollar a day . This is maybe the fifth such blog I have read , plus I tried to do it myself for a couple of weeks . I think that they are interesting . Well , they get the occasional dumb comment . People don 't like that they are pretending to be poor . Not that they were actually pretending to be poor . If they were even close to pretending to be poor they wouldn 't go to the movies or do any social things which require money , they wouldn 't drive their cars anywhere that they didn 't have to be , etc . . . . These people weren 't doing that , they were just setting limits on the amount of money they spent on food . They weren 't pretending to be poor or making fun of the poor . People who leave these negative comments need to get a life . But those people are usually in the minority . And then there are a lot of us who try to give advice . And some of the comments were really bad advice . So there are people who stop by and tell him to eat more vegetables or eat whole grains and such . And I have no problem with that . Vegetables are good for you , and whole grains are good for you . But it seems like some of these people were trying to get him to be a vegetarian . Again , I have no problem with someone being vegetarian , and that food choice is better for you than what most of us make . But this wasn 't the good for you challenge , this was the dollar a day challenge . So maybe the good for you stuff might go a bit over budget . The one that I really thought was dumb was the one who thought quinoa was the way to go . And so I pointed out that quinoa wasn 't cheap , and at nearly four dollars a pound this was something to stay away from if you only have a dollar a day to spend . Someone else replied that compared to other grains , quinoa was a cheap source of protein . First off , the point isn 't to get a cheap source of protein compared to other grains , the point was to get inexpensive food . Why get quinoa if it is a cheap source of protein compared to other grains , when compared to other foods it doesPosted by Did you like it ? Did you hate it ? Did you wonder why I wasted my time with it ? Am I going to win this contest ? Should I do another video ? Should I not bother with another video because someone else is going to win ? Should we warn that other girl that burying a lottery ticket is a very bad idea ? I keep going over to the YouTube page . 39 views . The first time it was only six views , and we figured that was just us making sure that it worked okay . But now , 39 views . So that means that like 33 people have watched it . Probably just my competition watching it , thinking , I could do better than that . Hey , it was our first video . So it is the ninth day of the ninth month of the year 2009 . It looks cool to write out 9 - 09 - 09 . But , well , big deal . The Beatles had this song . Well , it wasn 't much of a song . Let 's call it some space on one of their records . Anyway , the Beatles had this space on one of their records where one of them just keeps saying " number nine " over and over again . Weird . So on this day , they are selling the Beatles Rock Band , which is like Guitar Hero , which I have never played anyway . And there are contests . And on this day , a store in our general area is going to open two hours early and have contests and give away stuff , etc . . . . And my husband thought that was cool that this particular contest is only in ten stores nationwide , and one of them is in our general area . So he planned to get up early and go to this store and see if he could win something . He must have told me about this a week or two ago , and he didn 't notice that I did not get all excited about it . So last night when he is reminding me that we need to get up early , he actually seemed surprised to hear that I wasn 't planning to go with him . I mean , I 'll probably be awake , I usually wake up hours before he does whether I want to or not , but I still don 't see the point of me going to this store . First of all , is it a trivia contest ? Ask me about Star Trek or some other sci fi thing , sure , but I don 't expect to beat anyone on music trivia , even if it is the Beatles . So that 's one thing , if it is trivia , he might win something , but I wouldn 't . Second , what would I do with the stuff if I won something ? First place , I cannot use . Other stuff , I probably wouldn 't ' want , but I suppose that I could sell some of it on eBay . If I won a Beatles record , that would be nice , but really , we already have those somewhere , don 't we ? And if we are missing anything , he would just get it on line now anyway . So I probably would not win anything , and if I did win something I wouldn 't know what to do with it , and if I won something that I actually wanted it probably isn 't anything that I woPosted by We have uploaded the video now , so you can go here and see if you can figure out which video is mine . Shouldn 't be too hard . Anyway , we didn 't use my YouTube account cause I couldn 't remember the password . Now I have to decide if I want to make four more videos . If I do , they probably won 't be this complicated . This one took a long time . Okay , I have a version of the video , but I 'm not entirely happy with it , so I might redo it . That is , I might redo some of the editing part , not the filming part . The filming part is done except for this one little thing that I forgot to do at the end , but it will be no big deal to add that , and it is something done inside and it will only take about five minutes to set up . I have found out that a . ) long shots are boring , and b . ) trying to edit the sound is harder than editing the video . If you shorten a piece visually , the voiceover stays the same , unless you remove it entirely . So I had this part where nothing was really happening , and I had nothing else to say about it , so I tried to cut some of it out . So that just the voiceover not match up with other things later . You can 't remove sections of the voice over , unless you did the voice over in little sections . So I tried doing the voiceover in little sections , to go exactly with the little video clips , but the little clips were just too small to work with . I can cut off pieces of the end of the audio , but only if I remove the video it goes with . So I may end up cutting it back to about the first third of the video where there is a big gap and redoing the rest of it . And then I might have room to add what I left out at the end . But I 've still got the first version in reserve if I decide it is taking too long . I know that I always complain about the way the house looks and I should get around to cleaning it someday , but now it is really bad . Even the kitchen and areas that I try to keep up with are bad . First , there was stuff that I put off because of the " new business " , and then I put stuff off in the house while trying to do stuff in the garden that I meant to do while the " new business " stuff took over , and then I had a knee injury , and now I 've but things off again to work on this video . The knee injury is odd , and I know nothing about knee injuries . I didn 't do sports as a kid , so I don 't even know the terms . It is not a problem that I had diagnosed as a kid , Posted by Finishing up filming took longer than expected . With so little left to do , I figured that I didn 't really need to worry about getting an early start . So we went out a bit after lunch , and while I didn 't have much work to do , it was just too hot . It is a bit cooler than it had been , but do even a little bit of work and you really start to sweat . And I didn 't want to sweat in my video . So I took a break , did some more work , took another break , finished most of the work , took another break , watched an hour of TV , went back outside and did the last part of the video . And so now I would be finished with the filming part , except that I forgot a few things . The main thing that I forgot was that I was going to have this little bit of me with the money , the $ 20 . 09 , only of course now I don 't have any money , so I will have to go and borrow some money for about five minutes so I can get that part . And then there is something else like that we would film indoors and would only take about five minutes to set up . As it is we have over ten minutes of film that has to be cut to less than three minutes , so I might not bother with it . We are having trouble figuring out the editing . I suppose that I still have a week or so left to get the hang of it , but I was hoping to be done with it today . I probably won 't . While we were trying to figure things out , my husband accidentally made a sports video from it . It has nothing to do with sports , but there was a sample of everything we filmed cut down to three minutes , music was added , and the titles said stuff like I love sports . I really hate sports , so that was funny . David is all finished with his challenge , which I 'm sure he is glad of , but I will miss reading about it . I think later I will post some of the dumb things that I read from other people who left comments . And I have no doubt that we will do just that , after we 've watched Sunday Morning , and after I get cleaned up a bit and such . I haven 't heard that it is going to rain or anything , so it should get done before lunch , and then we can think about editing . Neither of us has done a video before , so we know nothing of editing . I am thinking that I will make that second video after all . A slightly altered version which would require no editing , so that way I would still have something to send in if the editing of the first video doesn 't go well . Of course , I will have to have nice clean room to film the second video , and nothing here is exactly that . I will have to decide which room would be best and start cleaning it . Yesterday was a lot of work . First , I got up and did a lot of work , and I knew that it would be a lot of work , I just haven 't tried to do so much of this particular work in one day . I was tired and sweaty and I got about a fourth of it done and really did not want to do any more of that . I went inside , and my husband made a very nice sandwich with sausage and that white cheddar we bought Friday . I got cleaned up , and then we drove to the DAV . I know that we did quite enough shopping already on Friday , but one thing that we had looked for that we did not find anything we wanted was two Dallas Cowboy t - shirts . Not that I 'm a big fan and really want one , but sometimes there are silly things to do if you have a team shirt , and I don 't have one , so I keep meaning to get one just for those occasions . Like tomorrow , you are supposed to wear something of your favorite sports team to Chick - fil - a , and you get a free sandwich . So , we will say the Cowboys are our favorite team , and we will see if the line for getting a sandwich is too long . Also , Albertson 's grocery store has a ten percent off sale on game days for people who wear Cowboys stuff . So now we can do that too . The nicer looking stuff was long sleeve , but since most of the stuff would be done this month , we decided to get t - shirts , even though they didn 't look sPosted by Yesterday or the day before , a new reader left a comment on a post I made like a year and a half ago . I don 't know if he is still reading . But I thought I would stop and say hello , just in case . It was raining a bit yesterday , so we did not film the beginning of the video like I had planned . We got an early start on the shopping instead . First , there was the trip to the bank , cause I think that the ATM was empty . I don 't think that has ever happened to me before , though I suppose it must happen once in a while . But , it didn 't say that it was out of money , it just refused to give us any . We could check our balance and see that we had money , and we were given the option of depositing money , but we were not given the option of withdrawing any money . Weird . So after we went to the bank to get our money , we had to go to a different bank and deposit some money . Then I had to go pick up some pills , and as long as we were in the neighborhood we might as well go to the Only 99 cents store . It was closed . The store is gone . I learned that was going to happen last week , but I didn 't realize it would happen so soon . I was expecting a clearance sale or something . But , no . It is just gone now . I loved that store , and there isn 't another one within a reasonable driving distance for regular shopping visits . The rest of the shopping went rather well , considering it was off to such a sad start . From there we went to eat at Pancho 's , and since the Irving location has closed we had to go to Euless . We shouldn 't have spent the money , and we didn 't even have a coupon , but this is one of his favorite places , and for the last three or four times I 've talked him into something else . So we ate out this one time , and we will behave ourselves for the next week or so . From there we went to Goodwill , and almost all the dresses I like were black . I love black , but I really can 't justify buying another black dress . No matter how good it might look , it would just be another black dress , and I doubt that anyone would even notice that it was a new black dPosted by I am an artist , but not a professional . I love Star Trek . I would probably still marry Mr . Spock if I were available . I will probably write the geat American novel someday , but it will probably not be published . |
This blog was started to make fun of the Homewrecking - Slut . I don 't talk about her much anymore . I do other things with the blog now , but for the most part it 's sort of a diary . So if you don 't care what I had for lunch , and the current post doesn 't interest you , maybe you should check out something in the popular posts section . Here I am typing on the laptop , which I really don 't care for when I have the choice . But , this is where the Internet is connected at the moment , despite the fact that I 've made it quite clear how I want things left , with the older computer connected to the Internet and the printer , and the laptop not connected to anything ( except when we are uploaded videos or doing business stuff with it ) . Laptops do not so much function as laptops when there are all these wires and such coming out of them . So , here I am trying to type on the Mickey Mouse keyboard that is part of the laptop , looking at the little screen that is part of the laptop , etc . . . . I did ask yesterday about the process of switching the Internet from one computer to the other , and I was told that I neglected to turn something off and on again . So , I tried that this morning , and it didn 't seem to do anything . So , I thought that maybe in addition to that I was supposed to also turn the computer itself off and on , but again that did not seem to accomplish anything . So I guess I will have to watch him demonstrate the process , I will need to do that later today , unless I leave the Internet hooked up to the laptop all day , which I do not think that I would care for . The extended deadline for the video contest is today , and I am debating about doing one last video . I have redone the three others , and posted two of them . I think I will leave the first one alone , just in case those votes do count for something . The videos are not as fun as they were to begin with , but now I really need the money . So I have to keep trying . And even with that it is probably time to give up and go work at McDonald 's . Not that McDonald 's is hiring , and I don 't speak Spanish so I wouldn 't be able to talk to anyone anyway . I went to Irving yesterday , and while it took longer than I expected and I got a bit of a headache and such for going out so long without lunch , I got most of what I wanted accomplished , except in the Halloween costume department . And with all that is going on , I shouldn ' Posted by If you have been reading , you know that my husband was out of town most of last week . And he works evenings , so except for watching House last Monday , he didn 't get to watch any of the new TV shows . So I figured that he would catch up on some of the stuff by watching Hulu and such on Sunday . Instead he spent most of the day blogging , and then downloaded Merlin and Being Erica . The only thing he watched on Hulu was Dollhouse . So I can 't talk to him about anything I watched last week . I can 't ask him what he thinks of Flashforward if he hasn 't seen it . So yesterday he is in here blogging again , and after he finishes a post I tell him he should at least watch Flashforward in the hour he has left before he goes to work . So he does that , and I watch most of it with him , though I have to leave the room a few times because I was cooking something . Anyway , he gets annoyed with this computer . He thinks it is too slow and he thinks Hulu is to slow and he 'd rather download everything , and I think most of the time he is being too picky about that . He decides that he should at least try to watch the stuff on the new laptop , which is annoying to me , since the laptop has a smaller screen . But I don 't complain when he does it just this once , cause I have already seen Flashforward , and I have the cooking to deal with anyway . So I come back , and he has the laptop hooked up to the Internet , and he watches Flashforward , and I watch most of it , and I go and get our lunch and we eat it in here while we watch Hulu . And then I have to go clean up from lunch , and he wants to know if I want the Internet left on the laptop , or if I want everything put back the way it was . I want everything put back the way it was . So I think that everything is put back the way it was , and I clean up some of the stuff from lunch , and he gets ready to leave for work . And he leaves , and I have some stuff I have planned to do , only I decide to look at some stuff on the Internet first . And I usually find some stuff on Hulu to watch in between doing other things , likePosted by Well , I never get as much accomplished as I might want to , but I did get some work done last week . But before I get all happy about it , I have to remember that the major cleaning and sorting I did was just in one room . And it isn 't even that I got a whole room cleaned and sorted , just I mainly got half of the room cleaned and sorted . And there are still things in boxes that I have to go back and look at later . But there are shelves that had everything removed and cleaned and then put back , and there were a few boxes of books that were sold , and there were several bags of trash that went to the curb , and there were two boxes of other things taken away . How that still leaves boxes on the floor to be sorted out , I 'm not sure . And that is in addition to the boxes that are always there that have already been sorted out . So that took most of four days to do that work , and little else , though I did do just a tiny bit of the regular work of doing the dishes and cooking and such . With it just being me by myself I didn 't have as much of that to do and I decided to put off doing the laundry since I would have more laundry to do today anyway . Anyway , if it takes most of my week just to do most of half of a room , when I am really trying , how long would it take to do the other half of the room , plus three more rooms , while trying to keep up with the regular stuff of washing dishes and cooking and laundry and such ? And with all of this cleaning and sorting and such , why are things still missing ? Why can 't I find the second season DVD of Land of the Lost , and why is the relatively recently acquired Aliens DVD missing ? Okay , back to the question of the cleaning and sorting . If it takes me most of a week to clean most of half of a room , and I still have the other half of the room and three other rooms left to work on , I guess that would take me another seven weeks , in addition to whatever time I would have to spend doing normal stuff like laundry and trying to somewhat keep the kitchen in order . And I don 't seem to get anything done exPosted by And , since I had the house to myself , I actually decided to watch TV and such . When there is no one else in the house , you can do that sort of thing . But now I am tired and wanting to go back to sleep . Again , since there is no one else here , I could do that if I wanted . Or , at least , I could try . But it probably won 't work . The sun is up now and everything . I think I will fry an egg and see how I feel after that . The giant heap of stuff next to the bed has become a smaller heap of stuff , and maybe it will get smaller still and I can at least put the stuff in boxes to be sorted out later . At least , I tell myself that I will sort out the boxes later . Anyway , stuff in boxes on the floor is a bit neater than just stuff on the floor without the boxes . I guess I did the easy stuff Tuesday , though it didn 't seem easy at the time . Maybe it is more accurate to say that I did the obvious stuff Tuesday . Wednesday I still through away another bag of garbage , but it took longer to find that much stuff I didn 't want anymore . Finding that much stuff today would take longer still , so I think I will stop trying at about lunch time and switch to something else . Two more days and nights with the house to myself . On Saturday I have plans . I 'm looking for stuff that could be made into Halloween decorations . Halloween is getting close now . My husband found another hundred dollars . I guess he won 't get stranded out of town now . Yesterday , the power went off , then on , then off , and then it went back and forth so fast I didn 't count . And then it just stayed off for a while , but still less than an hour . I gave up and read a bit of a book . I don 't read much anymore . My eyes aren 't good and I don 't enjoy it like I used to . It rains a lot now . It doesn 't just pour down rain day and night , but we do get wet for a little while , and it doesn 't stop long enough to dry out from last week . All this water going to waste . I wish I had been able to start a fall garden . But at this point the seeds would just get washed away , and I don 't have money to buy seedPosted by Yesterday while I was trying to get the husband started on his trip , I took a moment to change into regular pants . It is good that I did this , cause he would have locked me out of the house again if I had gone out to say goodbye to him still wearing my pajamas . But I had this feeling that regular clothes would be needed , and I remembered to put my keys in my pocket , and I did not get stuck outside when he started to drive away after he had locked the door behind us . That was at six in the morning . I would say that I got to work immediately , but that would not be entirely true . I did watch Heroes , though I did not watch it all the way through and got the dishes done and ate breakfast before it was over . It is odd for me now to have anything accomplished before nine in the morning . After that I wasted some time trying to find a place to watch The Big Bang Theory , but now I have found a good place for that and it will not be such a headache if I want to watch it and a few other things next week . After that , I tried to get down to the serious cleaning and sorting . The sorting gets done on the bed . The bed is a large area when no one is on it , so it is perfect for sorting things , except that eventually it has to go back to being used for it 's original purpose . So clothes and books and other stuff are piled onto the bed and sorted through , until such time as I can 't stand to look at it anymore , and then I go and watch something on Hulu , or I briefly go and deal with something somewhere else in the house . And then it is back to the sorting . At one point I had thrown away a bag of garbage and had half a box of books to be sold ( that in addition to the two and a half boxes I took away Monday ) , and I was thinking to myself that I had made some major progress . I put a few things out in the hallway that I will probably give to Goodwill . And then it was seven o ' clock , and while there wasn 't anything particularly interesting that I wanted to see on TV , I still thought it best to clear start clearing the bed as I would want to sleepPosted by Yesterday , I was getting ready to go to Shreveport for two days . Not that there is anything special in Shreveport that I would have money for , but I thought that it would be nice to get out of the house , maybe take a swim if the weather was nice , watch cable , get some knitting done , etc . . . . And then his boss called and changed his schedule all around so that he worked five days in Oklahoma instead of two days in Shreveport . And while it is usually better to work a whole week instead of just a couple of days , this is another one of those times when he doesn 't have enough money to pay for the trip . But , again , he didn 't say that , he just agreed to the schedule change . Usually , when going somewhere this far away , he would leave the day before and come home the day after . So , that would be six days in a motel room . I didn 't go with him because a . ) I didn 't want to be gone that long , b . ) I have plans on Saturday , and c . ) he doesn 't have enough money to be away for six days . In fact , with only about two hundred dollars , I don 't think that he has enough money to go on this trip at all , but I didn 't argue with him this time . If he wants to go and get stranded in Oklahoma , that 's his business . Anyway , I did not go with him , so he won 't have to have a motel room Saturday night . And he left early this morning instead of yesterday , so that 's another night 's room that he didn 't need ( though it will make for a very long day today and another long day on Saturday ) . We sent him off with a lot of food , so if he can keep it from spoiling he shouldn 't spend much money on that . So , he should have just enough to get by , if he doesn 't have to buy gas . Of course , he is driving to Oklahoma , so of course he will need to buy gas . Whatever . Maybe a check will clear by Thursday , and maybe it won 't . Anyway , I 'm staying here and maybe cleaning this place up a bit , or maybe doing another video , or maybe doing some knitting . It isn 't even lunch time yet , so I should still have time to get something done today , not to mention the rest of the week . On a Posted by In the very late seventies , my dad bought us a VCR . It was a Beta . When you put the tape in the machine this thing popped up out the top and sort of looked like part of Mr . Spock 's science station . It did not have a remote control , but it had this pause button on a wire that you could use when you were recording or playing a tape . The Beta tapes were smaller than VHS , and were better than the VHS available at the time . I don 't even remember what brand we bought , just that it was something we had actually heard of before we went to the store . The VCR worked just fine , and with the pause button on a wire I would sometimes edit out commercials . I taped the ABC airings of the first two Star Trek movies with additional footage . We got a card to rent videos at some local independently owned video library . Life was good . At some point , it was decided that American public did not need both the VHS and the Beta ( though professionals continued to use Beta for a while ) , and we could no longer buy or rent movies on VHS . We could still buy blank tapes and record stuff off of the TV . After a time , my dad bought a VHS . It didn 't work as well as the older Beta machine , but at least we could rent new movies again . Around 1989 or 1990 , my dad gave me the Beta . It still worked , and I still had some movies that I had bought on Beta . And I could still record stuff off of the TV on blank tapes . We got a VHS player that did not record , so we watched new movies on that . My house was robbed . They left the Beta and took the cheap VHS player . And then the local stores stopped selling blank Beta tapes , and we had to buy a VHS that would record stuff of off the TV . I eventually replaced all the movies I had on Beta and gave up the Beta machine . I don 't remember what year that was , just that I did not have the Beta machine when I moved in 1999 . If someone out there has my Beta machine , it probably still works . While the VHS tapes did finally look as good as the old Betas ( or at least , if they didn 't I just got used to how they looked ) , the machines thePosted by I used to do the whole coupon thing , where you cut out a bunch of coupons and wait for things to go on sale , and then you get some stuff for free or almost free . At the checkout you pay twenty bucks for stuff that originally would have cost a hundred dollars , so you saved eighty dollars . Not really , cause I would never pay a hundred dollars for that stuff , but I liked the way it sounds . At some point I decided to quit doing that and try to eat better . The saving money thing and the eating better thing don 't always work together . Like , if you are at the pizza buffet , once you 've already paid to get in , you might as well get your money 's worth and eat lots of pizza , but eating a lot of pizza isn 't good for you . Or , you might be trying to eat lean stuff like turkey , but eating hamburgers is cheaper . Or , you might get a good deal on after - holiday candy , but it would be better for you to eat fruit instead . So I got out of the habit of clipping coupons , so that the coupons wouldn 't influence my decision making at the grocery store . And it worked for a time , and I lost about twenty pounds . I have put them back on now , but I didn 't get back into the coupon thing . I still use them once in a while , but I don 't spend a lot of time doing it , and I 'm not as organized anymore . Once I found a display of Christmas Crunch . That 's like Captain Crunch , except that it is green and red . It was about a week after Christmas , and they had a big end cap display of the stuff , and it was on clearance for $ 0 . 99 . I had a dollar off coupon and another coupon for $ 0 . 75 . So I got one box for free , and the other one for $ 0 . 25 . I bought some other stuff and took my stuff to the car . The Christmas Crunch said it had a surprise inside , so I opened the box right there in the car to see what it was . Inside the box , but not inside the bag , was some gum and some candy and a dollar off coupon . Great . So I got the dollar coupon out of the other box , and I went back inside the store and got two more free boxes of cereal . And then I took those to the car , openPosted by Yesterday I was not happy because my husband basically got in the car and drove to an assignment in Oklahoma without enough money for a motel room and without even a full tank of gas . The day before yesterday , I had to go and get a few things from the grocery store . While I wanted a whole lot of things , I had to restrict myself to really basic things . I bought a very few food items , some tissue paper , etc . . . . To get the best prices , I went to four different stores and bought two or three things on sale at each place . While all of these stores were in the same general area ( two of them are at the same intersection ) , this still takes a bit of time , even if I didn 't drive very far . I was gone more than an hour and came back with about a dozen items . I barely had the money for what I bought . We used to have this huge jar of change . We 've spent most of it now . We are overdrawn on one of our accounts , because I just can 't seem to get through to my husband that except for big things like rent we should only use cash , and he needs to turn off the thing that automatically pays bills . We 've been charged $ 140 in overdraft fees again , because we were short like fifty cents . If we were using cash we just would have bought fifty cents less gas or something one day , and none of that would have happened . But he just doesn 't get it . So , we are overdrawn in one account , have very little cash on us ( most of which I spent yesterday getting really basic stuff that we needed ) . I really wanted to drive to Arlington to get a few things from the Asian Market , but I didn 't because a . ) we have so little money left and we have to do without a few things like that , and b . ) driving to Arlington would have used gas and I shouldn 't waste the gas if I 'm not going to get that much . We have maybe ten dollars in one account , and about that much in another account , and then we have some change in jars , but we 've mostly used up too . My husband has to go to Oklahoma on Friday , and the only reason he hasn 't had to call and tell them he can 't make it is bPosted by I am really worried now that I have done something wrong . There are two other videos that have all the names and such of the products used covered up . I would like to ask someone more about the rules , but I don 't see an email address for further information . There is a phone number and such for the credit union itself , but I would think that was just for banking information . The idea of all this being to promote the company and get more people to open accounts there , not really to explain to people about how they should make videos . And possibly , the contest itself is not even being handled by the credit union . Maybe stuff like that is handled by another company entirely . Anyway , I made a video about food and uploaded it last night . Again , by the time that happened I was very tired , and in the morning the video doesn 't seem to say what I wanted it to . It is one thing to not do well in a competition because the others are better than you . It is something else entirely to lose because you misunderstand a rule or miss something . I am not having a good day , but I won 't get into why just yet . As for the other videos , at this point , I don 't feel like making them . I am having technical difficulties that prevent me from doing the simple point and shoot things that I meant to do , and if I 'm not supposed to show names of products or places , it would be a waste of time to film anything else anyway . I don 't even think I should bother with the road trip idea , even if I could do something interesting on the subject without actually taking a trip . It looks like someone else has made a video on that subject , and I 'd rather not make a video that appears to copy someone else 's idea , even if I did have the idea first . I think that I will go look at the first three videos and see if I could do something different with them that doesn 't show company names . Well , I had thought that I would make more videos for this contest I 've entered . If my chances of winning something with one video are good , then the odds of me winning something with two videos are twice as good , and three or four or five videos would be even better . And while my first video was rather complicated ( for me , as neither of us had tried working with video before ) , the others I had planned were things that I thought would be easier . The editing and working with the voiceover bit took a lot longer than I thought on the first one , so the second one I had planned wasn 't supposed to use the voiceover at all and very little editing . I thought I would do that yesterday , and have the whole thing finished before lunch . Of course I thought that . I always think that . So I set up the camera . I put some things on the table and focused the camera on a chair , turned the camera on , and went and sat in the chair . Now , I knew that sometimes I would screw up something that I had to say , and stuff like that would be edited out and done over again , but I actually thought that I would record about five minutes of me saying what I had to say , and then maybe saying parts of it over again if I messed up anything , and then I would have two additional shots that I would need help with , go and edit out a few seconds here and there when I wasn 't saying anything , and that would be that . I really did plan it that way . First off , I was speaking very slowly when talking to the camera . So what I thought was about three minutes turned out to be about twice as long . The second problem was that I too far away from the camera for the sound to be any good . And the third thing was that I looked just awful . The video was about knitting , and while I wasn 't planning to actually do a lot of knitting during the video , I did do some knitting , and of course when I knit I look down a bit so that I can actually see what I 'm doing . And every time I look down , I look really bad . Not that I looked really good to start with . So now I don 't look good , and I ' lPosted by It is raining right now . It has mostly been raining since about Thursday , with a few dry spots here and there . It is a shame to waste all of this rain , but I hadn 't done any fall planting , and most of my spring plants are dead . So I had been wishing that I had planted something , except now that I 've gone out and looked at it , I think that we 've had so much rain that it would have just washed the seeds away . There is standing water in places , though not so much near the back of the house , so there has been no threat of water coming inside yet . The two wildflowers that I had transplanted seem to be recovering . I am wondering if I should go and get some more of them now that the intense summer heat is passing . I did not film anything yet for the new video . I meant to do that this weekend , but I forgot a few things . Like , I forgot and left the camera on when I wasn 't using it , so it was drained of power when I went back for it . And I wanted my husband 's help for some of it , and forgot he had that damned meeting to go to . He mostly kept his mouth shut . They actually came out and said that they were required to do this that and the other , or they would be replaced . It makes no sense , as this that and the other require more work from everybody , tend to annoy everybody , and have not increased anyone 's sales . It would be different if customers had asked for this that and the other , or if customers were going to buy this that or the other . So far , all this work has only resulted in one sale , and we don 't even think that it was an additional sale , just that someone bought this that or the other instead of what he normally would have purchased . It almost seems like they want to make life harder on people so that a bunch of them will quit , cause they really don 't like firing people do to lawsuits , but they are perfectly happy not scheduling people who don 't do what they are told , and they don 't seem much bothered by people leaving as long as they give notice first . So my husband mostly kept his mouth shut , and brought home leftovPosted by Today I am cleaning the dining room area , somewhat , as later today or tomorrow I will attempt to film another video . At least , I will if I find that dress I was going to wear , or if I find something else to wear . Anyway , I am partially redecorating the area with Halloween stuff , though I 'm just moving stuff from the other room . I still haven 't unpacked the other Halloween stuff from the boxes . And then there 's another video that I might work on . In fact there are several that I might work on , but not today . I believe that the contest is limited to five videos . The problem is narrowing it down to five , and which five , and once I 've decided to film something should I spend the money to really film my idea . For instance , David has this idea of feeding a hundred people with $ 20 . 09 , but he hasn 't quite figured out how to do it . I 'm pretty sure I could make a hundred meals with that amount of money , though they would be very something very small and basic like soup . But it would be a very boring video if I 'm just standing there saying that I know how to do it , without filming any cooking or anyone eating . But I don 't really want to make a hundred meals next week . Maybe I could make ten meals for two dollars , and if you wanted to make ten times that amount it would add up to a hundred meals for $ 20 . 09 . But then , that is David 's idea , and everyone knows that it is David 's idea . I 'm not sure that I should take his idea , even if he doesn 't know how to make it work and I probably do . In fact , I didn 't even want to do the coupon thing cause David was already doing food . I used to do the coupon thing , but I mostly stopped doing it several years ago when I was trying to lose weight . I know , now that you have seen my video , you don 't believe that I was trying to lose weight very hard . Still , I was at some point , and I decided to stop eating so much packaged foods and start eating more fresh vegetables , and there aren 't that many coupons for fresh vegetables , and it just wasn 't worth the effort anymore . I could do a travel thing , but Posted by The days go by , and I can 't keep them all straight . I forget what day of the week it is . I forget the date . I see the day and the date when I am blogging , but when I am away from the computer I can 't remember what it was . I am vaguely aware of what month it is , but again it doesn 't seem to mean much . It is September . I should be in a mild panic that Halloween is less than two months away , and Christmas is less than two month after that , but most of the time I am not . Unfortunately , this is not due to me being all prepared . I am not prepared for anything , I just can 't seem to focus on what I should be doing to get ready for things . So today is Friday the 11th of September . Next Thursday will be the 17th . The 17th of September is the end of the video contest , so if I am going to do anymore videos they need to get done before then , and I haven 't even started on them . And I haven 't done anything about the Halloween decorations , or the Christmas presents . Well , I 've maybe done one thing about one of the Christmas presents , but that is all . I have bought something that might work for a Halloween costume , but I haven 't done any work on it . There 's a box somewhere that has my Halloween shirts in it , and I should be wearing them by now , but I haven 't gotten the box out yet . There was something that I wanted to do on the 12th , but it has been cancelled , or maybe postponed until the 26th . There is something else I wanted to do on the 19th , but I might not go . There is a possible trip to Oklahoma that would include the 19th , and there is a possible trip to Louisiana that would include the 26th . I 've had nothing to do for months , and now I can 't do everything . I want to go , and I want to stay . My husband has to go to one of those meetings on Sunday . The meetings are hard enough , with someone who doesn 't do the job anymore ( or someone who has never done the job at all ) coming to tell you that you aren 't doing what you are supposed to do , and that you need to do better , etc . . . . On their part , those people aren 't doing anything bettPosted by I 've been reading a blog where someone tries to eat just a dollar a day . This is maybe the fifth such blog I have read , plus I tried to do it myself for a couple of weeks . I think that they are interesting . Well , they get the occasional dumb comment . People don 't like that they are pretending to be poor . Not that they were actually pretending to be poor . If they were even close to pretending to be poor they wouldn 't go to the movies or do any social things which require money , they wouldn 't drive their cars anywhere that they didn 't have to be , etc . . . . These people weren 't doing that , they were just setting limits on the amount of money they spent on food . They weren 't pretending to be poor or making fun of the poor . People who leave these negative comments need to get a life . But those people are usually in the minority . And then there are a lot of us who try to give advice . And some of the comments were really bad advice . So there are people who stop by and tell him to eat more vegetables or eat whole grains and such . And I have no problem with that . Vegetables are good for you , and whole grains are good for you . But it seems like some of these people were trying to get him to be a vegetarian . Again , I have no problem with someone being vegetarian , and that food choice is better for you than what most of us make . But this wasn 't the good for you challenge , this was the dollar a day challenge . So maybe the good for you stuff might go a bit over budget . The one that I really thought was dumb was the one who thought quinoa was the way to go . And so I pointed out that quinoa wasn 't cheap , and at nearly four dollars a pound this was something to stay away from if you only have a dollar a day to spend . Someone else replied that compared to other grains , quinoa was a cheap source of protein . First off , the point isn 't to get a cheap source of protein compared to other grains , the point was to get inexpensive food . Why get quinoa if it is a cheap source of protein compared to other grains , when compared to other foods it doesPosted by Did you like it ? Did you hate it ? Did you wonder why I wasted my time with it ? Am I going to win this contest ? Should I do another video ? Should I not bother with another video because someone else is going to win ? Should we warn that other girl that burying a lottery ticket is a very bad idea ? I keep going over to the YouTube page . 39 views . The first time it was only six views , and we figured that was just us making sure that it worked okay . But now , 39 views . So that means that like 33 people have watched it . Probably just my competition watching it , thinking , I could do better than that . Hey , it was our first video . So it is the ninth day of the ninth month of the year 2009 . It looks cool to write out 9 - 09 - 09 . But , well , big deal . The Beatles had this song . Well , it wasn 't much of a song . Let 's call it some space on one of their records . Anyway , the Beatles had this space on one of their records where one of them just keeps saying " number nine " over and over again . Weird . So on this day , they are selling the Beatles Rock Band , which is like Guitar Hero , which I have never played anyway . And there are contests . And on this day , a store in our general area is going to open two hours early and have contests and give away stuff , etc . . . . And my husband thought that was cool that this particular contest is only in ten stores nationwide , and one of them is in our general area . So he planned to get up early and go to this store and see if he could win something . He must have told me about this a week or two ago , and he didn 't notice that I did not get all excited about it . So last night when he is reminding me that we need to get up early , he actually seemed surprised to hear that I wasn 't planning to go with him . I mean , I 'll probably be awake , I usually wake up hours before he does whether I want to or not , but I still don 't see the point of me going to this store . First of all , is it a trivia contest ? Ask me about Star Trek or some other sci fi thing , sure , but I don 't expect to beat anyone on music trivia , even if it is the Beatles . So that 's one thing , if it is trivia , he might win something , but I wouldn 't . Second , what would I do with the stuff if I won something ? First place , I cannot use . Other stuff , I probably wouldn 't ' want , but I suppose that I could sell some of it on eBay . If I won a Beatles record , that would be nice , but really , we already have those somewhere , don 't we ? And if we are missing anything , he would just get it on line now anyway . So I probably would not win anything , and if I did win something I wouldn 't know what to do with it , and if I won something that I actually wanted it probably isn 't anything that I woPosted by We have uploaded the video now , so you can go here and see if you can figure out which video is mine . Shouldn 't be too hard . Anyway , we didn 't use my YouTube account cause I couldn 't remember the password . Now I have to decide if I want to make four more videos . If I do , they probably won 't be this complicated . This one took a long time . Okay , I have a version of the video , but I 'm not entirely happy with it , so I might redo it . That is , I might redo some of the editing part , not the filming part . The filming part is done except for this one little thing that I forgot to do at the end , but it will be no big deal to add that , and it is something done inside and it will only take about five minutes to set up . I have found out that a . ) long shots are boring , and b . ) trying to edit the sound is harder than editing the video . If you shorten a piece visually , the voiceover stays the same , unless you remove it entirely . So I had this part where nothing was really happening , and I had nothing else to say about it , so I tried to cut some of it out . So that just the voiceover not match up with other things later . You can 't remove sections of the voice over , unless you did the voice over in little sections . So I tried doing the voiceover in little sections , to go exactly with the little video clips , but the little clips were just too small to work with . I can cut off pieces of the end of the audio , but only if I remove the video it goes with . So I may end up cutting it back to about the first third of the video where there is a big gap and redoing the rest of it . And then I might have room to add what I left out at the end . But I 've still got the first version in reserve if I decide it is taking too long . I know that I always complain about the way the house looks and I should get around to cleaning it someday , but now it is really bad . Even the kitchen and areas that I try to keep up with are bad . First , there was stuff that I put off because of the " new business " , and then I put stuff off in the house while trying to do stuff in the garden that I meant to do while the " new business " stuff took over , and then I had a knee injury , and now I 've but things off again to work on this video . The knee injury is odd , and I know nothing about knee injuries . I didn 't do sports as a kid , so I don 't even know the terms . It is not a problem that I had diagnosed as a kid , Posted by Finishing up filming took longer than expected . With so little left to do , I figured that I didn 't really need to worry about getting an early start . So we went out a bit after lunch , and while I didn 't have much work to do , it was just too hot . It is a bit cooler than it had been , but do even a little bit of work and you really start to sweat . And I didn 't want to sweat in my video . So I took a break , did some more work , took another break , finished most of the work , took another break , watched an hour of TV , went back outside and did the last part of the video . And so now I would be finished with the filming part , except that I forgot a few things . The main thing that I forgot was that I was going to have this little bit of me with the money , the $ 20 . 09 , only of course now I don 't have any money , so I will have to go and borrow some money for about five minutes so I can get that part . And then there is something else like that we would film indoors and would only take about five minutes to set up . As it is we have over ten minutes of film that has to be cut to less than three minutes , so I might not bother with it . We are having trouble figuring out the editing . I suppose that I still have a week or so left to get the hang of it , but I was hoping to be done with it today . I probably won 't . While we were trying to figure things out , my husband accidentally made a sports video from it . It has nothing to do with sports , but there was a sample of everything we filmed cut down to three minutes , music was added , and the titles said stuff like I love sports . I really hate sports , so that was funny . David is all finished with his challenge , which I 'm sure he is glad of , but I will miss reading about it . I think later I will post some of the dumb things that I read from other people who left comments . And I have no doubt that we will do just that , after we 've watched Sunday Morning , and after I get cleaned up a bit and such . I haven 't heard that it is going to rain or anything , so it should get done before lunch , and then we can think about editing . Neither of us has done a video before , so we know nothing of editing . I am thinking that I will make that second video after all . A slightly altered version which would require no editing , so that way I would still have something to send in if the editing of the first video doesn 't go well . Of course , I will have to have nice clean room to film the second video , and nothing here is exactly that . I will have to decide which room would be best and start cleaning it . Yesterday was a lot of work . First , I got up and did a lot of work , and I knew that it would be a lot of work , I just haven 't tried to do so much of this particular work in one day . I was tired and sweaty and I got about a fourth of it done and really did not want to do any more of that . I went inside , and my husband made a very nice sandwich with sausage and that white cheddar we bought Friday . I got cleaned up , and then we drove to the DAV . I know that we did quite enough shopping already on Friday , but one thing that we had looked for that we did not find anything we wanted was two Dallas Cowboy t - shirts . Not that I 'm a big fan and really want one , but sometimes there are silly things to do if you have a team shirt , and I don 't have one , so I keep meaning to get one just for those occasions . Like tomorrow , you are supposed to wear something of your favorite sports team to Chick - fil - a , and you get a free sandwich . So , we will say the Cowboys are our favorite team , and we will see if the line for getting a sandwich is too long . Also , Albertson 's grocery store has a ten percent off sale on game days for people who wear Cowboys stuff . So now we can do that too . The nicer looking stuff was long sleeve , but since most of the stuff would be done this month , we decided to get t - shirts , even though they didn 't look sPosted by Yesterday or the day before , a new reader left a comment on a post I made like a year and a half ago . I don 't know if he is still reading . But I thought I would stop and say hello , just in case . It was raining a bit yesterday , so we did not film the beginning of the video like I had planned . We got an early start on the shopping instead . First , there was the trip to the bank , cause I think that the ATM was empty . I don 't think that has ever happened to me before , though I suppose it must happen once in a while . But , it didn 't say that it was out of money , it just refused to give us any . We could check our balance and see that we had money , and we were given the option of depositing money , but we were not given the option of withdrawing any money . Weird . So after we went to the bank to get our money , we had to go to a different bank and deposit some money . Then I had to go pick up some pills , and as long as we were in the neighborhood we might as well go to the Only 99 cents store . It was closed . The store is gone . I learned that was going to happen last week , but I didn 't realize it would happen so soon . I was expecting a clearance sale or something . But , no . It is just gone now . I loved that store , and there isn 't another one within a reasonable driving distance for regular shopping visits . The rest of the shopping went rather well , considering it was off to such a sad start . From there we went to eat at Pancho 's , and since the Irving location has closed we had to go to Euless . We shouldn 't have spent the money , and we didn 't even have a coupon , but this is one of his favorite places , and for the last three or four times I 've talked him into something else . So we ate out this one time , and we will behave ourselves for the next week or so . From there we went to Goodwill , and almost all the dresses I like were black . I love black , but I really can 't justify buying another black dress . No matter how good it might look , it would just be another black dress , and I doubt that anyone would even notice that it was a new black dPosted by I am an artist , but not a professional . I love Star Trek . I would probably still marry Mr . Spock if I were available . I will probably write the geat American novel someday , but it will probably not be published . |
I wrote this for the mass effect fic swap 2016 , which I had never planned on participating in , only running . But then I _ write _ sins _ not _ tragedies needed a parter to swap with and I stepped up - she asked for a tragedy , and I pulled all the stops … . BUT for those of you who like a less depressing ending , I have a epilogue / alternate ending because even I felt they deserved a little happiness . Thank you to Ruby / Solstheim & HeavenOnFire for giving me feedback - I simply ran out of time because RL was hammering me and I couldn 't incorporate everything you suggested . John stepped through the door to the soup kitchen , he shuffled nervously on his feet not sure why he came here , and as the noises of the people talking and the smells of the room hit him he almost turned and left . He could stare down a thresher maw , but he couldn 't walk through this room ? He stopped fiddling with the hem of his flossed , old leather jacket , long past its glory days . Held his head high , fixed his cap and walked straight down the aisle between the tables . " There are two menus , " the man behind the desk said , " Meat . " He pointed to a pot with something that looked like stew in , " and non - meat . " He pointed to another pot , which looked pretty much identical to the first . John looked at the metal hand pointing to the second pot , it was slight blue , dinged and scratched from many years of service . " Eh , meat . " He heard himself say never taking his eyes off the other man 's metal hand . " Right . " The man said and poured a healthy portion of mashed potatoes on a plate , and so much stew it almost ran out over the plate . " Good ? " He held it out towards John for acceptance of the portion size . The man looked at it , " Lieutenant Shepard . " He said , " Welcome . " The man 's smile became a little sad tug of the corner of his mouth , " I 'm Kaidan , if you need anything let me know . " - They just stood there for a moment until Kaidan chuckled a little embarrassed , " Your food is for free . " When John just looked up at him as Kaidan handed his ID back , " Veterans eat for free . " Kaidan said softly . " Sure . " John said , " Thanks . " He turned around to face the tables and for a moment stood and stared out over the room not sure where to sit . Eventually he walked over and sat down next to a guy in a black down jacket in a wheelchair . He smiled politely as he sat , and then dug into his food , it smelled fantastic and tasted just as good . John closed his eyes as he reveled in the taste of the stew , trying to recall when he had had a real meal last , he couldn 't remember . It had been MREs and then hospital food , all of it prepackaged and made to last for the next thirty years in some storage room . This , this was real food made by real people . John opened his eyes realizing he must have zoned out . " Yeah I 'm fine . " He chuckled embarrassed , " It 's just been a while , you know . " " The best of the best . " James smiled , when John just looked confused James laughed softly . " I was N7 . Back before all this , " he patted his wheelchair 's side . John hadn 't realized how much he had missed having an actual conversation , not about war , but about nothing at all - the weather , their favorite game and how public transportation was a bitch . It felt normal , and so far from anything John had ever known . Usually when he was around people , all they saw was that he was a broken man , discharged from the Alliance , unfit to serve . But James didn 't see that , or maybe he didn 't care … or maybe he felt exactly the same . " Looking forward to it . " John said slowly standing , watching Kaidan coming back with two bags , he handed one to James and the other to John . " Safe travels . " He said . " Thanks . " John replied with a smile before he turned and walked out the soup kitchen . The night was bitterly cold , the snow was the kind of snow that would soak your clothes real fast , so he zipped his jacket up . He was glad he had decided to come , he should have done it the moment he had been released but he had been afraid of … of what really ? People ? Conversation ? That they 'd ask ? That they would try to get to know him ? He had no friends because he wanted to friends . " Sorry , old habit . " Kaidan said as he cut John a healthy piece . " Glad we didn 't scare you off . " He looked up at John swiftly ; his gaze and smile giving away something that settled in the pit of John 's stomach , if he hadn 't known better he could have sworn that Kaidan was flirting . John cleared his throat and hoped his cheeks didn 't look as warm as they felt . " Takes more than a doggybag to scare me off . " A week went past like that , and then another week - until John couldn 't even imagine a life without Kaidan 's food , and James ' horrible conversation skills . John had learned a lot about James in these past weeks , like he had a wife and she had recently divorced him , James had not said why but John imagined it was because he was drinking a little too much . He knew that James had had a very brief sprint with the N7 program , he had been handpicked but had been injured on his second mission after finished training , a Geth hunter had gotten the drop on him , shot him square in the back with a shotgun severing his spine . It was a miracle in itself that James was even still alive . And then there was Kaidan , John knew next to nothing about the man behind the smiling brown eyes and contagious smile . He knew that Kaidan spent hours with some of the other volunteers to collect free food from different stores , and then he spent hours doing his magic . John knew he was Alliance too , he had seen that Kaidan still wore his dogtags same as John himself . But apart from that he had no clue , he could deduct that Kaidan didn 't have a family because of all the time he spent in the soup kitchen … Kaidan was the soup kitchen . Today was apparently spaghetti night , John shook the snow off his boots and walked inside , he looked over where he and James always sat , but to his surprise James wasn 't there . Puzzled he walked up to the desk . " Where 's James ? " He asked before Kaidan could even greet him . " Don 't know . " Kaidan shrugged . " I wouldn 't worry too much , he does that sometimes - maybe , maybe he is too drunk to get into his chair or something . " Kaidan finished serving the last wave of people , and came and sat down opposite John at the table . " Is it any good ? " He asked , nodding at the empty plate . " Are you kidding ? " John laughed softly , " It 's amazing ! I swear , I don 't know what you did before this , but I hope it included cooking . " Kaidan chuckled , " Nah . . I was an battle engineer , you know - blow shit up , and disarm bombs . " He wiggled his metal fingers . " Sometimes it just doesn 't go your way . " John looked up at Kaidan unsure of what to do , was this an invitation or ? He decided to play it relatively safe . " So is it like a real hand ? " John gingerly reached out and touched the middle of Kaidan 's palm with two fingers . " You 're right , it 's cold . " He laughed to diffuse the situation . " So how is it just the hand … or . . " " Amazing . " John mumbled staring down at the metal hand and then up at Kaidan again , he couldn 't quite read Kaidan 's face . " What ? " he asked . " Must have been expensive . " John said , " If it had been alliance you 'd probably have ended up with a hook . " He chuckled at his own unfortunate joke . Kaidan laughed too , " True . " He brushed a metal finger against John 's wrist , it was so gentle that it could have been mistaken for a readjustment , but John was quite sure it wasn 't , and again something stirred up inside his chest , something he had left behind a long time ago . " My parents paid for it , " Kaidan suddenly said , " Used their goddamn life savings on this piece of shit metal . " " I 'm sure they do . " Kaidan said with a nod , flexing his fingers . " I didn 't ask for their sacrifice though . " When John said nothing Kaidan just shut down the subject with , " My dad is career Alliance . He gave me this so I could return to duty - not to run a soup kitchen . " Kaidan stood , clearly uncomfortable with talking about it . " I 'll close up and meet you out front . " By the time Kaidan came out from the backdoor of the soupkitchen , John was seriously contemplating doing jumping jacks to stay warm . " Sorry it took so long . " Kaidan said " Come on , I 'll turn on the heat in my car and you 'll be warm in no time . " Kaidan turned on the heat and they just sat there for a while . " You know . " Kaidan said softly , " I think you are the best thing that happened to James for years . " The ride to James ' building was silent ; John just stared out of the window at the falling snow . " I wasn 't really injured . " He suddenly said , his voice sounded strange and intrusive in the silent car . " I was discharged in 77 . " He rested his forehead against the cool window of the car door . " Hey Kaidan , " John said hastily as he too stepped out into the snow . " I was wondering . . uhm , eh … nah it 's nothing . Let 's just go - " Kaidan looked at John confused but shrugged and followed into the building . " 11 . " Kaidan said flatly , " To your left up here . " He pointed at somewhere behind the stairs where a hallway would fork out from the main hall . Kaidan smiled a little and then just led the way . John jumped as the door behind them opened , a haggard looking middle - aged woman looked out into the hall , staring straight at John and Kaidan , her face was stern until her eyes got used to the dim lights and she noticed John 's dog tags , and squinted her eyes at Kaidan 's hand . " You know James ? " She asked . " Yes ma ' am . " John said with a nod . " We 're just bringing him food . " The lady looked them up and down again . " We 're friends of James and we 're worried because he didn 't show up tonight - so we thought we 'd check up on him . " The lady sighed , " Alright . " She reached behind her door and came out into the corridor with a key . " First sign of something weird , I 'm calling the cops . " " Fair enough . " John said as he stepped back for the lady to get to James ' door . Both Kaidan and John held their breath as she opened it , terrible images flashed before their eyes if what might meet them inside . The lady pushed the door open and stepped back allowing Kaidan to hesitantly step inside in the dark apartment , he could see the television was on , the blue flickering light was lighting up the room . " James ? " Kaidan asked softly . They all heard what sounded mostly like a grunt , and John suddenly jolted into action , stepping into the apartment searching for the sound . He saw James laying on the floor , his wheelchair toppled over . " Shit ! " He swiftly turned James around almost laughing as the man blinked drunken at him . " You scared me , man . " John just sighed . " Come on , let 's get you off the floor . " John picked up the wheelchair and placed it to James ' right . " Is it good like this ? " He asked James , who just nodded drunken . " James for fucks sake . " John sighed deeply . " Are you gonna be okay ? " " No . " James finally croaked out . He pointed to the data pad on the sofa table , up against the side of the wall to create more floor space . John went to get the data pad and handed it to James , he swiftly punched in a code and handed it to John , " Read it . " John took the data pad , looking uncomfortable but started to read . Kaidan was done with the food and came over to hand James his meal . " Hey you almost missed spaghetti night . " He said , his ridiculous cheerful voice almost sucked up by the sadness in the room , like screaming into a pillow . James looked up at Kaidan , " I just tipped over , trying to turn up the volume on the television . " He looked down at the plate of Spaghetti in his lap . " I think I am a bit more drunk than I thought . " John put the data pad back , when James spoke softly , his sorrow audible in his rough voice . " It was her idea you know , join the fucking Alliance . " He looked over at John who stood by the television in the far end of the room . " Think of the money , think of Cat 's future , Hazard pay . " He frowned . " And this is what I got . " " Maybe . " John came over to the sofa and squatted down in front of James , looking up at the listless man . " Maybe if you sobered up , and cleaned a little - she 'd let you have your daughter over , right ? " Kaidan nodded , " Sure you can . " He squeezed James ' shoulder again . " I could ask around and see if I can find a lawyer who 'll take you on pro bono . I 'm sure there is someone . " When they left James ' apartment they were both emotionally drained . Kaidan stopped at the curb . " You were good in there . " He said softly , " Sure you weren 't Alliance shrink ? " " No . " John just sighed , " I was around them long enough though . " He looked away from Kaidan not sure he wanted to watch the reaction in his eyes . " I 've known James for a year now , and he has only gotten progressively worse . " Kaidan said pulling up his coat to shield his cheeks from the snow . " I even had to quarantine him once , and make him promise not to show up dead drunk . " The cafeteria was like any other big city , 24 - 7 dingy shithole . John sat down at a booth and Kaidan went to order coffee . " Milk , please . " John yelled after Kaidan who just held up his hand to signal he heard it . John stared down at his hands on the sickly snot colored table , what was he doing here ? What was Kaidan 's game ? Why had he suggested this ? And why had John accepted ? The answer was unwanted and unsettled John greatly . He enjoyed Kaidan 's company , he wanted to see him smile and laugh … he couldn 't remember when he had last felt anything like this , maybe never . He wasn 't sure . He was fucking John Shepard , he didn 't have friends and he sure as shit didn 't have lovers . If he wanted to get his freak on he 'd pay someone for an hour . Kaidan came back and placed a plate of cake that was possibly something resembling chocolate cake , and a cup of coffee in front of John . " Compliments of the house . " He smiled . When John just looked quizzical , Kaidan smiled secretive as he sat down opposite John , " I lied , I bought it … you look like you could do with some cake , okay ? " " Me ? " John coughed , " Nothing to say really - no parents , no ex - wife , no children … Just me . " He ran a finger across the rim of his cup , " Just the way I like it . " " Yeah . " John nodded measured almost as he agreed with his own statement . He looked up at Kaidan , his lips a fine line of measured animosity . " I watched my entire unit die screaming . " He paused and scratched his neck , " I don 't want anyone , I don 't need anybody - I … " John slowly looked up Kaidan ; maybe he was right ? Maybe he was tired of screaming at the walls , and maybe he was tired of walking in circles in his one bedroom apartment . Maybe he was indeed lonely , and maybe that had been why he had decided to take home that flier about the kitchen , and hadn 't just tossed it in the bin . John had promised James to go with him on some Christmas shopping , not that John had the slightest clue how to shop for a little girl . But James seemed like he needed the company , and John had to admit that it was a nice distraction from a terrible time of year . Even as a grown man it still did something to him watching how families would Christmas shop together . " I don 't think I 'm ready for another toy store right now . " James chuckled as the walked down the shopping street towards the promenade , the further towards the grey , wild winter sea they got , the more the wind picked up sending ice cold gusts of air through every layer of clothes they wore . " Might be time for a drink … " James caught himself and turned in his chair , " or maybe just coffee . " " I loved Christmas before all this . " James said angling his chair with precision to fit between a chair and a heater on the street café . " I guess I could go visit my uncle , but I don 't know man … " James nodded with a smile , " Yes please . " He turned to look out over the bustling Christmas decorated busy shopping street , filled with people with large bags , hurrying from one shop to another . Some talking to each other , others talking over the phone . He cupped his hands and blew warm air on his fingers waiting for John . " Great . " John sat down with his own coffee and bourbon . " So where do you want to go after this ? You want to go look for that automated doll ? " " I think so too . " John said , thinking back on the presents they had been given at the orphanage , it wasn 't like they were terrible presents , they were just all donated from other people . As a kid , he would have given his left arm for a toy that came from a store . It still made him feel slightly guilty to buy something from new , he still heard the headmistress ' voice ' second hand just mean that someone else loved it too ' . Still to this day , he found himself in second hand store for everything from pots , to lamps , to clothes . " I don 't mean to pry , " James said , " But how come you 're not getting Kaidan a gift ? I think he 's getting you one . " James took a sip of his coffee , " I don 't think he would mind though , I mean that you don 't have something for him . " " Right . " John mumbled into his cup as he took a sip . He placed the cup back on the table and sighed , staring out over the Christmas crazed shoppers . " Maybe you 're right , maybe I ought to get him a little something . " It took a moment before John realized what James had been asking . He licked his lips for the aftertaste of the bourbon and shrugged . " Maybe it would be best to mail them . " " Want to see a picture ? " James asked , already reaching for his wallet . John really didn 't want to see a picture but he didn 't have the heart to decline . James handed him a photo and John looked at a younger James , sunburned and buff balancing a little blond girl on his knee . John smiled at the photo , " She looks like a cute kid . " He handed the photo back . That same evening he went to mail James ' packages , he went by the thrift store to look for a present , he had never actually bought something for someone before , and he had no idea what to get . He looked at stupid figurines and still pictures in frames . None of it really seemed to scream Kaidan . He started to feel silly , why was he even in here ? Then he saw it , a limited edition Alliance frigate - on sale . John didn 't know if Kaidan had served on a frigate or not , nor did he care , he just knew this was the present for Kaidan . War or no war , space was where John had felt the most serene and calm , and he figured it was the same for Kaidan . He missed space travel , everything was so simple up there in the stars . He went home and put the box with the frigate down on his table , he stared at it for what felt like hours , but it could have been minutes . Like it was a milestone in his life , and he didn 't quite know how to deal with it , and it 's presence alone served to remind him of the awful truth - he was tired , tired of being alone . Like if he handed this over to it 's intended owner , it would be an offering of a sorts . John groaned , it was just a bit much wasn 't it ? Why had he thought it was a good idea at all ? When you were alone , you knew what you had , once other people came into the equation everything became unknown and fragile . But no matter how John tried , he just couldn 't imagine a world without Kaidan anymore , even if he just handed him dinner . It was his sole reason to get dressed and go outside and not just hide in here . A day before Christmas James ended it , he shot himself with his service gun . John received a frantic call from Kaidan who was standing outside James ' building . The lady who had opened the door for them back then had heard the gunshot and called the cops . Kaidan had just stopped by to check up on James and make sure he got some food . " Kaidan ! " He called as he got closer , " Kaidan ! " He turned around trying to see the familiar mop of back hair . " Goddammit ! " he growled . Then he spotted him standing talking to a police officer , John walked straight to where they stood . " There you are ! " he said still trying to catch his breath . " I 'm so sorry . " John mumbled , holding Kaidan a little tighter . " I should have held a closer eye on him , I knew he was bummed out , but I had never imagined this . " " No . " John shrugged , " I went shopping for Christmas presents with him , we got some stuff for his daughter and he asked if he should drop it off or send it . I told him to send it , and promised I 'd do it . " " But he didn 't . " John cupped Kaidan 's face with gentle hands . " He wanted this , and he didn 't want us to stop him . " " I don 't , " John admitted , " but it 's what you have to tell yourself - because you should not feel guilty of anything . " They were standing so close that John could feel Kaidan 's warm breath on his face , and the warm skin under his hands , for a crazy moment all John wanted was to kiss him . Instead , he stepped back and let go of Kaidan , rolling his shoulders , " Come on , let 's get drunk . " John woke in a strange place , he closed his eyes and hated the way the ground was spinning . He wished he could remember where the hell he was . A phone was ringing and it was not before he heard a gruff voice answer it in another room he realized where he was . He remembered vaguely getting here , he remembered Kaidan fighting with the key for so long that he had seriously contemplated sleeping in the hall . A cold wash of panic went through John , he hoped he had not done something stupid , or said something unforgiveable . " Shit . " He coughed , he tried to assess if he was naked or not without opening his eyes . He wiggled his toes and they met something hard which he reckoned was his boot , so he was still wearing boots , which meant he would still be wearing pants - that was good . He would hate himself for the rest of his natural life if he jeopardized his friendship with Kaidan for a drunken inappropriate pass . John groaned and sat up , holding his head in his hands , fighting the urge to throw up . Fuck he was still drunk , but he wasn 't sure that Kaidan would be cool with him sleeping here again . He just had to get to his feet and get home . When John came back from the bathroom Kaidan had placed a cup of coffee on the table in front of the sofa . " Merry Christmas . " He said saluting John with a coffee mug . Kaidan laughed again . This was a good thing John thought to himself , at least he wasn 't angry , and maybe he hadn 't been a giant fool in his drunken stupor . John rubbed his face with his hand . " Do you need to sleep some more ? " Kaidan asked . " You can go sleep in my bed if you want to , no reason for you to wake all sore from that damn sofa . Believe you me , I fell asleep on it enough times so I know just how uncomfortable it is . " Hours later John woke again . He could hear Kaidan sing along to the radio in the kitchen , and the pillow smelled of Kaidan , something light , something like hyacinths but not quite . John wished he could store this moment away intact , with all the smells and sounds . So he could take it out and relive it when he felt the most alone , when he would sit and stare at his walls in the small hours of the morning . How he wished he belonged here . He stayed until he had to go to the bathroom so badly he couldn 't ignore it and had to get out of bed . Kaidan didn 't see him so he just walked straight to the bathroom , even his bathroom was simple , white and classic . John thought of his own once probably beige bathroom , it was miles from this . But then again , John never once gave a shit about how his home looked , besides it being clean - he was all about functionality . John walked back to the living room , Kaidan had completely cleaned up after their drunken night , it even smelled clean and fresh . John came to stand in the door to the kitchen , leaning up against the doorframe he looked at Kaidan standing by the stove singing along to some tune in the radio . Even his goddamn kitchen was light and inviting , had a nice table for dining and everything , not like John 's old dingy kitchen , which was mostly a holding place for takeaway leftovers . " Sure . " John said , and started to set a table . " You know . " John said casually as he set the small table at the other end of the kitchen . " Here taste this . " Kaidan scooped up a new spoonful and came over to where John sat , while he blew on the spoon , he held it out and with a little hesitation ; John parted his lips to taste . " Good right ? " Kaidan stood with the spoon still in hand and looked expectantly at John . Kaidan was chatting about everything and nothing , like yesterday had never happened . " Best Christmas ever . " John said mostly to himself , but knew that Kaidan heard . " Ehm , not sure how this works , but I actually got you something , but it 's back at my place , so you 'll have to get it another day . " John smiled a little embarrassed , " I 'm sorry . " Kaidan smiled and John couldn 't help but to smile as well . " I got you something too . " Kaidan said , " Just wasn 't sure if it was weird to give it to you . " John leaned forward , looking after Kaidan as he left the room , feeling more excited than he felt he had the right to . Kaidan came back into the kitchen he laughed a little shyly and handed John an envelope . " Hope you like it , and merry Christmas John . " John stared at the envelope . " I can 't believe you actually bought me something . " He mumbled , his face heating up and he felt his smile widen to the point of pain . " Thank you ! " He looked up at Kaidan who stood waiting impatiently for John to open the envelope . " I don 't care what 's inside . " John said feeling all emotional and unable to hold the tremble out of his voice he swallowed nervously . " You bought me something , that 's more than … " " I didn 't mean to upset you . " Kaidan said worried , and sat down on his chair , he looked intently on John , trying to assess the situation . " I 'm sorry if - " " It 's fine . " John shook his head , " Cause I got this . " He ran his fingers over the envelope . " I mean it , thank you . " John slowly opened the envelope , almost with solemn care pulled out what was inside . " Tickets for the cinema ? " John whispered , " I don 't know what to say , thank you ! " He looked from the ticket in his hands up at Kaidan with a sparkle in his eyes , and then he frowned , " Feel wrong to be happy today . " " Yeah . " Kaidan said walking over to the stove to put over some water for coffee , " But I 've done some thinking , about what you said last night . " Kaidan sighed , " We couldn 't have done a single fucking thing . He did this to himself . " " His kid is gonna be alright , and that 's the important thing . " John mumbled , still looking at the tickets in his hand . " Would you , uhm - would you go with me ? To the cinema I mean . " It was ice cold the day they buried James , John 's breath came out in little white clouds . He felt weird in his dress blues standing there freezing his ass off , why couldn 't the alliance make a goddamn thermos version of this stupid outfit ? He had not wanted to wear it , he was not alliance anymore , none of them were . But Kaidan had insisted that for James they ought to do it , he was Alliance to the bone , even if he liked to bitch and moan about it . And so John stood faithfully and was sure he contracted pneumonia from just defying the elements . When it was over John was frozen to the core and all he wanted was to get inside somewhere . He looked over at Kaidan who was standing talking with James ' ex wife . He wasn 't even going to try and understand what made James chose that way out , and in a selfish space in the back of his mind he couldn 't help but to feel hurt that he and Kaidan hadn 't been enough for James to stick around , that they hadn 't meant more . He wondered if James had already planned it when they had been Christmas shopping . Should he have asked James if he was alright ? He had looked and sounded alright to him , so why would he ? Everything can be scrutinized in hindsight . And truth was that John had not had a single suspicion that James suffered from anything than ordinary Christmas blues . He had not seen any signs , not a single fucking clue as to what was about to happen . Maybe James had tried to tell him and he hadn 't listened ? Maybe he was a horrible friend ? " Yeah . " John followed Kaidan to the car . The inside of the car was as cold as outside , and they had to sit and wait for a moment for the car to heat up and bring life back to their fingers and toes . " So what did she have to say ? The ex wife . " " Alright , she asked me about James . " Kaidan said , " And I gave her the rainbow and unicorn version . No need for her to pass that guilt on to her kid . " John didn 't return to the soup kitchen for a couple of weeks , it was like the void that James had left behind had shifted something in his and Kaidan 's friendship . It didn 't feel the same , it had lost it 's immediacy , and easiness . John was staring at his once green walls , turning a chipped coffee mug with a cartoonish wizard on it , in his hands . There were some pictures on the walls , a rug - once John had attempted to turn this place into a home , but it just never happened . Just like everything else in his life ; it was just a temporary solution , something that would keep him afloat for a while . In the first week he had harbored a weak hope that Kaidan would call him and ask him where he was , but he didn 't . The day they had arranged to go to the cinema came and went , and still he heard nothing . Truthfully then he could pick up the phone and call too , but he felt it would be weird . Like what had linked them had been James , and now that James was not here no more , they didn 't know what to do with each other . He still recalled that Christmas morning in Kaidan 's bed , how soft and nice it had been to belong there , to exist in Kaidan 's world . John had wanted to tear up the tickets in anger , but he hadn 't , he had just put them in a drawer and hoped he would forget about them . He could just use them himself and go see two different shows , but it felt weird . Maybe they just needed to stay in that drawer to serve as a memory of that one time he got a real present . For one glorious moment someone had thought enough of him to actually buy him something . The present he had bought for Kaidan stood there on his table in it 's box , staring at him . He contemplated to unbox it and just put it up on a shelf , but that felt weird too . In the end he decided that he should swing by the soup kitchen and pretend everything was cool and just hand it over and leave ? John stepped through the doors to the soup kitchen , but he didn 't see Kaidan anywhere . He went to the counter to ask , box in his arms . The pimply volunteer said that Kaidan had taken some days off , but that he might be at his flat . For a moment John wondered if he should leave the box here , but he didn 't , he walked out the door and started to walk all the way to Kaidan 's apartment , his head a million miles away , but his feet remembering the route . The elevator chimed again and they both stepped out , and John went straight to Kaidan 's apartment door , he could hear laughing and music from inside , so he decided to just leave the box , recalling he had not made a card , he just hoped that Kaidan would know where it came from , and if he didn 't it was alright too . He regretted not including the cinema tickets , because maybe Kaidan had more use for them than he did , didn 't seem right that an expensive gift like that should go to waste in his drawer . He stopped and walked back towards Kaidan 's door , but changed his mind again and walked straight to the elevator . As he was waiting for the elevator , Kaidan 's apartment door opened and someone stepped out into the corridor . " Hey Kaidan , there 's a box here . " A woman said . John closed his eyes , wishing the elevator would just arrive fast . He could her Kaidan answer something from inside his apartment but couldn 't hear what . Swift steps on the carpet of the corridor , and John had to acknowledge that he would not make it out before this person made it to where he stood . " Hey Ashley ! " Kaidan called , " Could you - " There was a long pause , " John ? " John sighed ; this had been a bad idea . But he couldn 't very well just stand here , and he wished harder than before that the goddamn elevator would come . " Hey . " He turned and looked at the surprised woman next to him , she was a fine boned , dark haired lady . Attractive by any standard , and John hated her instantly . " Just dropped off something , didn 't want to intrude . So I 'll just be - " " I really can 't . " John said with a weak smile , he felt like screaming , crying and vomiting all in one . This was why he didn 't have friends , this was why he was alone , and this was why he had preferred it that way . No surprise , no heartache . John started on a reply , but the elevator chimed behind him and he had to make a choice . " Another day . " He lied and slipped into the elevator . Ashley stood next to him , and she was about to say something when the door opened and more people came into the elevator , talking , laughing . He walked all the way home in the cold , his head spinning . Was Ashley why Kaidan had not called him ? And why was he acting like a lover scored , they hadn 't even been real friends ever . He could try and rationalize it away all he wanted , but the awful truth was that John had been a bit more hung up on Kaidan than he thought . He should just have kissed him that day on the street , maybe this had never happened . Either Kaidan would have gotten angry with him , or not , but either way he wouldn 't be here . He made it home and locked his door , the dark apartment seemed like a perfect picture of his mental state , and he hesitated before he turned on a light . " You 're being ridiculous . " He chided himself out loud as sat down on his bed , falling back into the mattress . He had no right to act like this , and he had to get his shit straight . He would call Kaidan tomorrow and apologize for being a jerk . " I don 't know what to tell . " Kaidan said in a near whisper . " We used to date , and when all this with James happened , I just gave life a thought you know ? " " If you say so . " John said , his smile still in place . " Look Kaidan . " He leaned on his knees and looked directly at Kaidan in the poor light of the apartment . " You don 't have to feel obligated , okay ? " John stood up and placed his cup on top of a little bookshelf , which held a total of five books . " Everyone leaves for one reason or another , all I am asking you is to do it with a little fucking dignity . Don 't insult my intelligence . " " I 'm not … I just … " Kaidan huffed frustrated , " I like to believe that we are friends you and I , and - " He turned the tacky mug with a chicken with sunglasses between his hands , searching for the right words . " James ' death did something to us both , we can deny it all we want but it did , maybe had us question things , or I don 't know - rethink what is important I guess . " " Absolutely . " Kaidan smiled , relaxing a little . " But so are you . " John took a deep breath , and was about to answer , but Kaidan cut him off . " You are not fine John , I 'm not fine - none of us is fine , we haven 't been for a long time , and James just reminded us of how ' not fine ' we are . You say you don 't care , but you do . You cared about James , and you care about me , otherwise you would not have driven through town to deliver your present . And I care about you , cause otherwise I wouldn 't sit here , calling you out on your bullshit . " " Maybe you 're right . " John mumbled as he slowly sat again , reaching for his cup on top of the bookshelf . " I walked though , I didn 't drive . " " We start over . " Kaidan said holding out a hand to John , his human hand . " We could start at the cinema if you want to . " He closed his fingers around John 's hand as he placed it in his , shaking it as if they were confirming a closing bid on livestock . " You got popcorn in your hair . " She laughed and picked out a popcorn from Kaidan 's hair and tossed it on the ground . " Hi John . " She smiled at John who stood a little further away . " I wouldn 't be surprised . " John smiled . " See ya . " He shuffled a little indecisive before he turned and walked across the parking lot again towards the bus stops . He couldn 't be in that car , he didn 't want Ashley to be nice , he wanted to hate her . He stuck his hands in his pockets to keep warm . He didn 't know when he had fallen in love , but he wish he hadn 't , he wished he could make it stop . A world without Kaidan was almost too hard to imagine , but a world with Kaidan and Ashley was worse . He should have said something , he should have told Kaidan - but he had just not been ready to admit it to himself either . Maybe he should just leave ? Find a way to leave all this behind , because as long as he stayed he would be caught in this limbo . Funny how he could go into battle without fear , but he couldn 't tell Kaidan how he felt because he didn 't want to risk being caught ' out there ' . John stopped at the bus station , he looked at the different destinations . He could take a bus home , or he could buy a ticket to somewhere far away , just for a little while - get his thoughts right . He walked up to the ticket booth and smiled at the older gentleman behind the glass , " I 'd like to go to the ocean , " He said feeling like a complete moron , " Which of these busses will - " The ocean was everything John could have wished for , outside the season it was almost empty of people , and the ice cold rain made sure the beach was his . He turned on his data pad and hit record . He had not planned anything but after two days of complete solitude he knew that now was the time to be brave , a different kind of brave than to go into battle . And this kind of brave did make him flinch , it scared him shitless . " Hey Kaidan . " He said with a little smile , trying to ignore his own face on the data pads surface . " Look ! " He turned around to capture the grey beach and the dark sea . " This place is amazing . " He smiled and then took a deep breath , " Look I tried to write you letters but I can 't seem to get the words down , and so I decided to go for a video mail . I … I ehm , I am sorry that I just left like that , and I am sorry that you are probably worried - but this was something I had to do . " He started to walk down the beach while recording . " I hope … just had to get out of the city , had to think . I guess you 're right about James ' death making us think about stuff . And that is why I - " He paused , idly pulled his beanie further down over his ears . " It 's all just so fucked up . " He said softly , " I thought I had it under control , I thought I knew how to be your friend , " He laughed mirthlessly and for a moment just stared down at the wet sand and his boots . " But turns out I don 't know how to be the kind of friend you need . " He started walking again , " I am really sorry Kaidan . " He felt his cheeks heat up even if the rain at the ocean was ice cold . " I 'm really bad at this shit , expressing my feelings isn 't exactly a part of my core competences . " He stared straight into the camera , his eyes sad and his lips trembling slightly , " I fucking love you . " He looked away from the camera and bit his lip , " Fuck . " For a second he thought of just tossing the data pad . " - So … I think I 'm gonna stay here for a while , I like the ocean and I need to regroup and come up with a new plan . I don 't expect you to answer this , and I know it 's a dick move to just throw it in your lap like this . " John frowned , " I have no excuse for keeping it secret other than selfish reasons . " He laughed again but it only sounded bitter and sad . " When all is said and done , I wish you all the best - stay safe , and again I 'm sorry for being such a fucking coward . " He ended the video and without looking it through , he hit send to Kaidan and then turned off his data pad . He didn 't want to hear Kaidan 's reply if he even replied . Maybe he could get around to moving on now that he had said good bye . A part of him felt like he was overreacting like a lovesick teenager , but as he stood there and stared out over the dark waves rolling in towards shore , he knew that it could not be different . No it was time he got back to what was important , time to start over . Maybe he should have lied ? Maybe he should just have left and Kaidan would never have known why , did it matter why ? " This is what you get " , he mumbled to himself and the sea , trying to convince himself that he was fine , he had always been alone so this was no different . No nasty surprises or feelings you couldn 't handle when you were alone , yeah had to get back to that . And John wished desperately that he had never walked into that damn soup kitchen . " But … " John stared at Kaidan , " I don 't … I mean what are you doing here ? " He blinked at large snowflakes got stuck in his eyelashes . " Looking for you of course . " Kaidan shrugged , " Your coworkers told me you always took the bus here . Still can 't be bothered with a car I see , " he smiled awkwardly . " I know . " John answered flatly , he had deactivated the ID after first ignoring and then being scared of Kaidan 's answer or lack thereof , and when he had not used his ID for some months he had deactivated it , the answer couldn 't hurt if he never got it . " I said what I had to say . " Finally , John looked directly up at Kaidan , just seeing him standing there in the falling snow made John 's chest ache painfully . " Why are you here ? What do you want ? " " You know . " Kaidan said staring off into the snowy darkness in the direction where the bus would come , " You said you were bad at expressing feelings , but still you were the brave one - I should have said something , I should not have taken you for granted . And for that I am sorry . " Kaidan barked a bitter laugh , " I was an idiot for thinking that the solution to it was going back to whom I was before this damn metal arm . " He turned to John and looked directly at the other man with sad eyes , " Like trying to stop time , only to realize that you are miles from the same person you wanted to preserve . " Kaidan stuck his hands in his jacket pockets and looked after the bus again . " I would have said yes . " He said so softly that John had a hard time hearing it from the wind . For a long time John just stood and stared at Kaidan , unable to connect with what he just heard . Honestly , he had no idea where to go from here . He was shaken from his thoughts by the bus . " Come on , " He gingerly touched Kaidan 's arm ushering him towards the bus , " Let 's go get that coffee . " Should you think that I skipped over the Kaidan Ashley thing , you would be right - and it is on purpose . So the original ending is that John leaves and Kaidan stays with Ashley ( maybe ) but that is beoynd the story . The Epilogue is just fanservice for those who thinks they need a happy end , and then we don 't need ex - lover bagage , right ? ! |
06 / 08 / 201610 small stories , multi chapters Leave a comment AN : Read at your own risk ! Might include bad language or disturbing images . The 10th and last story of the 10 small stories . You can find the rest at my blog . Enjoy and comment ! The Red Lord looked the destroyed place through his visor . The rough mountains had been turned into a red waste , as red as the blood of his thousand enemies that he had slain . He wondered whether the soil will obtain its original color someday in the future . He doubted that day would come soon enough , it never rained more than three times a year on this part of the mountains , transfiguring the landscape into sole rocks and further below into a dessert that was stretching for thousands of miles . The mists of the mountain tops , where his home was located , would transform into life giving rain that would grace with its presence the other side of the mountain . A thunderous noise alerted him of his partner 's arrival . At last , thought the Red Lord gloomily . The huge dark dragon was gone for far too long after the battle . He was sure that he was feasting on the flesh of their foes and friends alike , with no discrimination . His best friend was a beast , literally . The Red Lord had him since he was only a tiny small egg that could fit perfectly on the inside of his ear , and he was not a Red Lord but a nameless child of five . Soon afterward after many days of care and protecting it from becoming part of his father 's scrambled eggs , the dragon had finally hatched . At first , he was no longer than his middle finger , with black leather wings and dark purple veins . The scales would sparkle on the light . Fast , but not as fast as he would like , his dragon grew in size and strength . His appetite grew in correlation , too . He was so growing ever day more and more hungry and nothing could really satisfy its hunger , up until he ate his father alive . Not that the boy had felt sorry to lose his abusive father . Twenty years later , the Dark Dragon was still devouring men , even though he liked to roast them first . The thunderous noises produced by its flapping of the wings , approached steadily but relatively slow . His dragon was growing old and heavy , but the Red Lord could do nothing about it . Soon , it would come the time for both of them to retire and find a hoard of gold to sit upon and each of them a beautiful wife to produce some loud offsprings . But not yet . First they had to confront the Gem Lord . As soon as the Dark Dragon landed next to him , he hoped onto his saddled back . " Come on , my boy , it is time for us to hit the skied again . Let 's go and drink our last enemy 's blood . " the only answer that he got was a loud roar that cracked some rocks nearby . He let himself observe for a while their tumble downwards ; they crashed with each other braking into smaller pieces and sometimes more blood stained rocks followed their path downwards . After a while he kicked the dragon 's sides and flew off in the air . If anyone could see him at that moment , he would think that death had acquired flesh , bones and wings . His long red cape was blowing behind him , as did his silvery , long blond hair . He wore chainmail , boots and gloves as black as his beast 's leather wings ; his helmet in the shape of his dragon 's face was black as well . Even his sword had a black glamour on it . They flew towards the east , over the green land , full of small orchards , flowers and busy bees . The Dark Dragon would flap his wings leisurely to navigate through the air currents . Twice he chased a flock of birds and once he ate an eagle ; no beast could withstand a dragon . The Red Lord let him to his sport ; they were in no hurry . When the sun was setting , they reached their destination . They landed in the middle of a pavilion full of primroses , daises and other wildflowers . The colors were vivid here , they sang of merry work and the smells in the air whispered of lovemaking . The two of them in their black and red colors were out of place . Everything was so merry here that made him to want to fly away . He hated that part of the mountains . But now , they had to stay and confront the huge dragon in the middle of the pavilion . The dragon was a blazing gold color that the sun rays only made it more dashing . The dragon was older than his own and thus larger and stronger , but also heavier and slower , less agile . He couldn 't see its dragonrider , but the Gem Lord was near , he could almost feel his golden rings rattle against the breastplate decorated with fine gems . He dismounded and approached the dragon . The dragon tried to snap at him and Dark Dragon roared protectively . His foe immediately subsided , he was seriously injured and couldn 't go up against the much younger and healthier dragon . The Red Lord walked around the dragon keeping a fair distance , looking for his enemy . He spotted the Gem Lord under the dragon 's golden wing . He drew his sword . " You , again " said wearily the other rider . He was exhausted , pain and grief was marked on his face . " What do you want ? It isn 't enough for you that you spilled the blood of my friends ? That your beast caused so much pain to my dragon with its ugly nails ? " " No . You know what I want , you know why I am here " he replied steadily . He stopped some meters away from him , the tip of his sword aiming his breast . The Gem Lord didn 't answer . He was focused to his bleeding dragon . Finally , after a long time during which both his enemies became restless , he answered . " All those dead , massacred dead and for what ? " he said in a voice that he could barely listen to , " Are you sure it is worth your time ? Because I am not sure anymore " . " Do you know how old am I , boy ? " asked the other rider . He had turned now and he was facing him . His arms were soaked in blood up to its elbow ; blood was on his face , where earlier the Dark Lord had sliced him with his sword . " I am five hundred years old , and that beast over there " he patted his dragon gently on its wing " is a few years younger . During all those years I managed to win every single claimant , apart from you , Red Lord " he pouted his lips . " You have something in you … something dark and twisted , blood is in your future , and I can see it " . " I don 't care about your ramblings , old man " he answered hotly . He was getting tired of him , he wanted the gem , and he wanted it now . " Just give me the Source , or … " " Or what ? " snapped the older rider , it was he turn to be angry now . " Will you hunt me down for the rest of my life ? Will you rob me of my wealth , lands and daughter ? You already did that , you have already spoiled my beautiful daughter . Will you kill my minions ? You spilled every gallon of their blood back there . Will you kill me ? " he laughed bitterly . " I 'll kill your dragon " that made the other man stop laughing and watching carefully . " Or , you can give me the source and I will be gone , and you and your dragon will live the rest of your life in peace . You won 't be challenged again ; by me at least " . The Gem Lord looked him steadily . His eyes were the same gold shade as his dragon 's scales , as his daughter 's eyes . His lips turned into a thin line , his whole body tensed as he made his decision . Speechless he reached into his breastplate and drew out a small gem . It was gold in color , as gold as his eyes . It looked like it was made out of gold , with beautiful patterns on its surface . The other Lord reluctantly gave him the Source . When he picked it up , he felt it heavier than it looked . A sudden energy run through him , reaching every single cell of his body , making his heart beat faster , his eyes see clearer , his ears hear better . And then he felt it , again and again and again . Pump , pump , pump . A small irregular thunder inside his heart was beating next to his own . He had two hearts now . He looked the gem into his hand , it had changed . It was small , still , but now it was dark red , like a ruby and its surface was rough , like it was made out of a thousand cutting knives . Slowly , it fainted and disappeared , all the while the thunder next to his heart had turned slow , strong and steady , fueling a new force inside him , the force of the Thousand Dragons ' Lives . Dark Dragon roared happily behind him . " And , so it is done " the Gem Lord looked somehow diminished , tired , less vivid . He was like he had lost his color , his blood , his life . " The previous Keeper of the Source told me that the shape it took before settling beside your heart reveals something about you and something about your future . He was happy when he entrusted it to me , it was prettier than his or than his predecessor 's shape . Bountiful and happy will be your life ; others will live through your life , too . You will bring sunshine into the world and I can rest in peace . Those were his words " . The last rays of the sunlight faded away . Twilight was upon them , his favorite hour of the day when all the shadows and the foul creatures could lurk on the earth alike . He wondered what his shape meant . Blood and death . What else ? Had it ever been anything else ? He cast a last look into the other man 's eyes . The sorrow in them confirmed his suspicions . The younger man said nothing ; he turned around and climbed onto the back on his dragon . They flew away into the twilight . He didn 't care of his ominous future ; of the Blood and Death within it ; after all , he was not named the Red Lord without reason0 AN : I hope you have enjoyed reading this very random collection of stories . I was not always at the same mood when I wrote them , it took me almost 2 years to finish them . Please comment and thank you ! 😀 30 / 07 / 201610 small stories , multi chapters Leave a comment AN : Read at your own risk ! Might include bad language or disturbing images . The 9th story of the 10 small stories . You can find the rest at my blog . Enjoy and comment ! A woman was standing in front of the window . The room was dark , darker than oil , darker than the starless night that was outside . He was standing next to the close door and the only thing he could see was her silhouette against the light coming in through the window . She was wearing a tight , black dress and high black heels . She was smoking long slim cigarettes , the smoke was visible in an unearthly way and the tip of it shone red with ash and fire . Her silvery hair were caught up in a tight bun , not a single hair was out of its intended place . The few light was reflected on her hair , making her look like she had a crown made out of tears . When she slowly turned towards him , his heart skipped a beat . Her full , red lips curved slightly , as if she could hear the man 's heartbeat . The dark man felt his heart race and the beats sounded like drums . When she moved towards him , he noticed the white skin on her flesh . His heart skipped a beat . When she looked him with her almond shaped , dark eyes , he could not break away from her intense stare , a stare that pierced right through his heart . His heart missed another beat . When she slowly moved close to him he felt his flesh burn with desire . His heart missed a beat . When she leaned forward to kiss him , he felt his mind would burst , his body would become fluid . His heart raced with fear and anticipation the kiss , but she stopped a few millimeters away from his skin . Death wasn 't a toy for young men , he knew that now . He should have known it that it was a dangerous path to take , a path that led to a dead end . He should have known that . But he was in love . He was in love with Death itself . Few people could see Death , realize its breathtaking beauty . Few men could feel the passion for it , few men could feel her touch on their soul . But once they felt her eyes gaze into her soul , they always sought her , even though they did know why they were following that course . The same was for the Red Lord that John owed so much to . The Lord was the one wreaking havoc in John 's little gipsy caravan , just find her touch . She was there and even though the Red Lord was too blind to see her , he saw her . And ever since he wished to marry her . Death was dangerous , as the Old Crone had told him . Death gripped at you and once she had her teeth of steel into your soul nothing could help you escape . He knew that now . " How can I find her ? " he had arrogantly asked her . " On a village by the sea cliff , at the other end of the Dessert , there is a girl living with her sister . She weeps tears of blood , tears of fire and tears that are steaming hot . You must collect them all and one more " was her response . And so he had done , he had gain her trust , knowing that would make it easier for him to collect the tears , the young girl gave everything for him . And then , she flew as she was nudged to do by him . The girl had potential to become a great witch , maybe even better than her . Was the Old Crone afraid that she would take her place and thus wanted her dead ? Was she collecting young girl 's souls to avoid the Death 's kiss ? He had heard that she avoided for too long , but death comes for all . But he did not care . He wanted to meet Death and Death was here . Death was paid with the tears . " I want to marry you . I want to be with you . I want to be your eternal husband . Please take me with you . " John begged , hoping that his quest would have won her over . He had offered her the tears , he had offered her an infant 's life . " I have an eternal husband . Life is my other half . But I will grand you your wish to take you with me " . When she kissed him fully on the lips he felt a strange sensation run through his spine . His heart forgot how to beat . Your lips tasted like the sweetest summerwine . Your mouth tasted of honey and almonds ; your lips where softer than silk ; your smell reminded me of hot summer nights . I would die another thousands times just to kiss you again . 23 / 07 / 201610 small stories , multi chapters Leave a comment AN : Read at your own risk ! Might include bad language or disturbing images . The 7th story of the 10 small stories . You can find the rest at my blog . Enjoy and comment ! She was standing on the edge of the cliff . The wind was howling ; it blew her golden hair all over her face . It was better this way , none could see the tears tricking down her chin . It was not because she was afraid to be seen crying ; on the contrary the young woman with the pale skin was never afraid to hide her emotions . What she wanted was to hide her tears . The tears trickled down slowly , painfully . They always hurt , tears of fire had that effect on the young girl . She would weep fire tears when she was angry , she would weep tears of blood when she was scared . Physical pain could make her weep with salty tears , like all the normal girls of her age and yet different . None of these girls would feel the tears steaming hot against their smooth cheeks . But this time , the tears were not afflicting her only with physical pain but also with emotional pain . The way was down , she thought . She watched down at the sea . The waves would crash against the sharp rocks , the foam looked as if it formed shapes . She could see a horse , a rose , a petal , a house , a dead girl floating across the ocean . The way was down . She was afraid , but what had he said before going away to look for Death ? If you want to rise , first you must fall . Take the leap and have faith . Yes that was the last advice he had given her before he abandoned her once and for all . He was a cruel man , a man with ambitions and secret dreams . But so was she . She had hoped for more than new life . She had hoped for freedom , for salvation for power . The dark man with the deep eyes had promised her that and more if she betrayed all her life , all her loyalties , all her emotions . If she was ready to do what was necessary . The girl had done that ; she still remembered the knife slashing through an infant 's neck , the wailing of a mother with the same long hair as hers . And now here she was . Take the leap . The way is down . But she could not . She wanted to fly , to be free of the torment that was her life . She did not want to weep tears of blood , fire or steaming hot water anymore . She did not want to be special anymore , she did not want to have power . She wanted to be done with all that and fly away . She wanted to find her way out of this misery . Take the leap ! She urged herself , but she was afraid . He wouldn 't be afraid . He was not afraid when he went to seek for Death . He would do it , he would have faith and he would do it . He would jump without a moment 's hesitation , he would do it and feel no remorse . He would have faith even if it failed . Faith can be tricky sometimes . It can reward you with all you want and more , but Faith can reward you with a cold kiss and a stone hug , he used to say . She pictured herself jumping . She pictured herself crushing again the waves , becoming unrecognizable mass against the waves . Her bones shattered , her flesh broken . The sea animals would feast on her flesh and the waves would drink her blood . No , I will fly . Take the leap . But maybe her soul would fly away , go and join Death and maybe even see him . Either way she would be free . 11 / 06 / 201610 small stories , multi chapters Leave a comment AN : Read at your own risk ! Might include bad language or disturbing images . The 7th story of the 10 small stories . You can find the rest at my blog . Enjoy and comment ! The Desert is always generous . Most people don 't see it like that ; not that he could blame them . Everyday a lot of people lose their lives in her sandy depths . Hundreds of them leave their lifeless bodies to decay in her scorching hug under the blazing sun . It was a fact that the Desert was an unforgiving slut , if one didn 't know her . But if you knew her secrets , her passions , how to treat her , she was as kind as a loving wife . And that she was for Malick , his wife , his only wife . During his fifty four long years he never wanted to know another woman apart from her , because the great Desert that lay just south of the City , was a woman in his mind . Malick fell in love with her the first moment his lay his eyes across her vast lands , when he felt the sands against his toes . He never felt so good before . He only wanted to get lost in herself . And he knew that the Desert liked him too . He could never really understand why , or how , but he knew it . He was sure of it when the Desert gave him her greatest gift of all , the Hearing . In that moment , he knew that he was married to her and he will never know another woman in his life . As Leo was married to dreams . " Old man , wake up " he heard a voice talk to him . He didn 't open them immediately , he savored its texture first . Malick could tell that it belonged to a young man , probably under aged but near his eighteenth birthday . He could tell that he was hasty and cocky . He was disrespectful too , even though he didn 't reach that conclusion because of his voice . Despite that he could see something else beneath it , he was afraid . Afraid and so young , so new to the real world . The world that mattered . " My name is Malick " he answered after a while slowly . His voice was hoarse ; he hadn 't spoken for a long while . " Yeah , I know " answered boy impatiently . " Will you open your eyes and watch me ? " Malick opened his eyes slowly and looked at him steadily for a while . He had gotten all the facts of his voice correctly ; and more he saw that he was a City boy , tall and lean , with long black hair . In his eyes fear was lurking , fear and uncertainty . " I have one too . But you deemed it better to call me Old Man . " He looked at him gently . " Okay , fine … I am sorry , what 's your name ? " " Yes . " he answered uncertain . " She spoke to you ? She said you would know , about me and my … " his voice flattered as Leo couldn 't find the right words to describe what was happening to him . Malick 's stern features became kinder . All of them had the same problem at the begging , even that evil slut of Witch that was drinking the folks ' blood downtown . " Please , sit next to me " after a hesitation that lasted no longer than two seconds , he did as obliged . " Now , the word that you are looking for is wizard . You are a wizard like me , like the Witch is a real Alchemist and not a fraud . We all have certain gifts , to bind the magic in our will , one way or another . We all have to serve for the greater scheme in this world " he started explaining but the boy was impatient ; he cut him with a wave of his hand . " Yes , Malick , I know . The witch has already , explained it to me . That 's why I am here . I am here to be trained . " Leo got up . He begun descending the hill , but halfway he remembered to turn to him and say goodbye . The old man didn 't hold a grudge against him ; he knew how difficult it was at first . He knew that next time he would answer him what is his gift . The boy had come a long way since then . Leo had grown mature , had been more confident in himself , he could be flow through his dreams more carefully . He was still sad , he had lost his mother . And it did not help that he had to look into other peoples ' deaths . He had matured though , soon he would be able to confer with him and dream without Mellaria 's help . He was going through so much pain , but the balance in this world was kept by the pains of those few who had the gift . He shuddered when he thought of him . He had left the fold and things were not good . He emptied his mind and did what he was good at . He listened to the sands . The sands had a voice of themselves , as every living thing and dead object in this world . Only it was compulsory to know how to listen to their voice . He knew , and they brought to him all sort of news . Because the sands heard everything from the water , from the air , from the people themselves . And then they whispered what they had heard to him . A beautiful young woman with fire in her eyes is falling down a cliff . Can she fly ? No , but she can see , and she sees him . That was unfortunate . A tear tripped down his withered cheek . He wish he could have helped her . But now it was too late , she was dead . A blond woman was drinking from a potion . She had to seduce that policeman . Or else , the policeman would suspect . Would he know that she knows about her death ? A woman was crying bitterly over a small crib . Her veil covered her face but he could hear her tears falling to the floor . A man was cutting meat on a counter . He was listening to soft jazz music while humming to himself . Another woman was walking on the streets alone . She was drinking heavily the last weeks and now her steps were unsteady . She almost got hit by a car , but she survived . The man took her along him to the hospital and there a nurse complimented her red hair . Leo had woken up in the small hut and was pouring his heart 's content on the feet of a young woman . He had lost a mother , he had thought that it was a leak of gas , but it was magic , it seemed . She was a powerful witch , but she burned alive . Now he wanted to know her enemy . All people are cruel , but desperate women could be even crueler ; and desperate women with magic could be the cruelest of them all , because Magic was never kind . Magic always exacted its toll . So , it was death . Leo 's mother had learned that the hard way , when she was burned alive . He had heard of her death through the sands , and he was very sad about her death . She was a kind woman , but she had taken for granted that she had paid her due to Magic . And Magic never likes arrogance , either . Malick wondered if Magic had exacted the toll on him , or not . He knew deep inside that he had not paid yet , but he didn 't care . He thanked the Desert that he had revealed to him his gift of hearing the sands and that he had been his wife for so long . He was one of the few wizards that were actually happy . He let himself a small smile before getting lost to the sands again . The Old Crone would like to know the rumors tonight , as always . He always paid his debts . 04 / 06 / 201610 small stories , multi chapters Leave a comment AN : Read at your own risk ! Might include bad language or disturbing images . The 6th story of the 10 small stories . You can find the rest at my blog . Enjoy and comment ! He woke up with sweat all over his face . His breath came out rigid and shallow . He tried to get up , but a gentle and yet firm hand pushed him back to sleep . Yes a dream , only a dream . I was not her , I was dreaming being her . " Now drink that " she placed a large cup in his hand . It contained the smelly liquid he used to drink before dreaming in the dessert . The liquid was green , sticky and smelly and he hated it with all his heart . But it made it possible for him to dream . And dreams made him special , useful . Made him complete . Darkness lay ahead . He could see nothing . He begun moving forward , as forward was the only way he could go . He walked for some time , for two minutes , two hours , two days ; he could not tell . At last he saw a small white light in front of him . He picked up his pace . Soon he broke into a jog , and as the light became bigger and bigger , he run faster and faster , until he could not breath , until his ribs ached him so much he thought he would vomit . Finally the light became large enough for him to fit and squeeze himself through it . Half blind , he pushed his way forward . More time passed . How long it was ? He could not tell , he could not know . Not so soon afterwards , he reached a huge chamber where he could stand and see . The chamber was huge and airy . No fool smells existed here , as far as he could tell . When his eyesight became adjusted to his new environment , he saw huge pillars with no end and a great hoard of gold , gems and stones . But all was on fire , everything was burning together . The fire was glistening white and was the only source of light . It was so beautiful , mesmerizing . Enchanted , he approached the huge fire . However he stopped abruptly when he saw a huge dragon sleeping in the midst of it . " Two " he admitted reluctantly . It was no good use to lie ; without doubt she was counting his dreams . He reached for the cup . " The old witch cannot put something in it to make it taste better ? " He flinched at her reproach . He emptied the cup for the third and last time that night and went back to dream . " Remember , it is only a dream " she heard her whisper just before he was lost into the vague world of dreams . He was not alone . He could smell the other man 's sweat . He could feel his warmth radiating from his body . He tried to move his body to his right and see him , look who his companion was , but he found out that he was in bonds . He could hardly move his neck . He focused on his hands . They were cold and heavy . They bit his skin without mercy as cold as ice and as unforgiving as death . They were iron chains , the worst kind of chains he could be into . Suddenly someone arrived . He was a tall and cruel man , with a nasty face full of pox marks . He protested as much as he could when the man grabbed him from his long hair . Another equally hideous guy grabbed his companion . They moved outside from a building , his best guess was a barn . With violent movements , the man positioned him on top of a barrel . He had a bad feeling about that . The man made his decent from the platform , not before he gave a good squeeze to his huge breasts . On a similarly arranged platform they positioned his companion as well . He could smell his soil . Suddenly the platform opened and he fell onto the barrel . The barrel was full of a toxic fluid that ate his flesh . Pain struck his head through his nerves . He opened his mouth to scream but the toxic liquid filled his lungs and now it was eating him from inside too . For the second time tonight he woke up screaming and sweating . He felt feverish . He tried to focus around him and made abrupt moves as though he was trying to swim . " Hush , now . Remember , it is only a dream " Mellaria said to him while moving the hair out of his face . " here , eat this … don 't be afraid . It was only a dream " . " Yes , when you are dreaming of others deaths you could be anyone ; a man , a woman , a child , an elder . It doesn 't matter what or who you are . It doesn 't matter if it is today , yesterday in a thousand years from now " . " Toxic waste ? " she asked curiously . She shook her head as he took a bite from the sweet pie she had given him . " No , no , it doesn 't matter . For now you only have to remember that it is only a dream " . " Yes it is only a dream " . He finished his pie in silence . Mellaria said nothing else and demanded no explanations from him . He would report his result to the head of the order of the mages , the old man that collected the details of his dreams . The young boy was not sure what he did with all those details , even after he explained to him that is for the greater good . He envied him , he sat all day on the sands listening , just listening , while he had to dream and live the deaths of all these people . It was so painful . But he could not help it . He was a mage , unlike the old crone downtown who prepared his poison . She was an alchemist , and poor Leo was a dreamer of deaths . If he had to be a dreamer , couldn 't he be dreaming of something else ? Exhausted he lay back down . However this time he consumed no magic poisons . He looked up to Mellaria 's huge golden eyes as she tucked him into bed . She kissed him goodnight . That was the only part of those nights that he truly cherished . He had to dream , once you develop an ability , you have to exercise it or it eats you away like the worms eat the corpses . It was inevitable . Mellaria moved towards the exit . There she stood fast . She turned around and looked at him for a while . " What else did you dream of ? " she asked in a whisper . A tear tricked down from the corner of her eye . " Remember , it is only a dream . Always dreams . " Without another world she switched off the lights and moved out . 29 / 05 / 201610 small stories , multi chapters Leave a comment AN : Read at your own risk ! Might include bad language or disturbing images . The 5th story of the 10 small stories . You can find the rest at my blog . Enjoy and comment ! " You are a nice guy " . That phrase was the one that hurt the most . You are a nice guy . Her trying to convince him that dating a coworker is a bad idea did not matter . Her reassurance that she was just not interested in having a relationship right now didn 't register to his heart . It hurt that he was a good guy . Matti had met Lena when he was hired the first day . She was gorgeous . Tall and light coloured with long , heavy hair and stunning green eyes . Her beauty was what caught his eye , but what made him mad for her was her intelligence . She was quick witted and with a sharp eye that could catch every small error in a code within minutes . Lena could outsmart everyone in their group . She was their brightest star , the one who convinced all the big pharmaceutical companies to fund them . And Matti was just the nice guy . He always hated Christmas parties . This time he got an extra reason to hate them . Who wouldn 't hate them if they had been humiliated like that ? Matti opened up his heart to his lady , he offered her his soul , and what did he get in return ? You are a nice guy . It sucked being the nice guy . All his life he was the nice guy , the one who would be kind and helpful and understanding . In high school Maria rejected him for Janne , the cool guy who played football . During university , the gorgeous Elina dumbed the biology geek for the cool pilot . All his life had been the nice guy . But no more . Matti 's thoughts were interrupted by a soft whistle . He turned around to see a young boy , around the age of fifteen years . He was scrawny , with boyish features in his face that every teenage boy hated to notice on the mirror . He had started growing a moustache , but he still needed a couple of years before being able to do it properly . Matti passed his hand through his greyish hair before he continued talking . " Are you Ikka 's friend ? " They had to go on as fast as possible , but he had to make sure that the boy at the docs ' pubs did not play him for fool . Especially since he abandoned him . " He left . He met a veiled woman and joined the fucking procession " . The boy 's face darkened at his disrespectful tone , no one talked like that about ancient traditions . But he gave no shit for silly superstitions . He was a man of science and he did not believe in curses . " Do not talk like that ! The procession is pure and important . All the souls truly are happy when they see their flaming shops sail down the river . Matti felt a pinch of remorse at his words , but he did not apologize . He would not be the nice guy anymore , whatever the serious eyes of the teenage guy said . " The same way I know what you want . I dreamed of it " came the answer in a whisper . He waved a paper in front of his face . " Dreamed ? Seriously ? And how do I know that I will get the real deal ? Science is principles , is the foundation of the word . It is the only thing that can lead us to the truth of life . The rest is stupid and ignorant lies ! " . Matti really hated dreamers , witches and their lot . They pretended they knew everything , that they hold the mystery of the world in their palm . That was a lie for fools . " Dreams are always true . Dreams never lie " answered the boy in a weird tone . He looked like a huge burden was rested on his shoulders that he could barely lift . Matti almost asked him about it , but he mentally slapped himself . He was not that guy . Not anymore . " You have no other choice . You take it , or I go . For me it is the same . But I do not lie . " Silence fell between themselves . " How much do I owe you ? " Matti finally asked . He had to try , he had no other choice . And if the boy had lied , there was no way he would have made himself a worse fool than already was . " Nothing , just tell Iikka the debt has been paid . Do not forget " . And with these words he left as silently as he had come , leaving behind a piece of paper . Matti snatch it up , what if he has lied to me ? Oh well at least I did not pay him anything . After a quick look it looked like the real thing . It would have been so much easier if he had used Notepad + + and then brought a memory stick . It was too much code to type and it was already 1AM . The scientist drove like crazy . Had he stopped for the red lights ? Did he obey the traffic law ? He could not remember . None of that matter . What mattered was to reach the lab on time . He had passed through the whole town like a ghost , with the code as his passenger and her words as the background music . You are a nice guy . You are a nice guy . You are a nice guy . And for some reason each repeat was more painful than before , harsher than ever intended to be . He could not take the phrase out of his head . It had grown like a tumor , it was now the motto of his life . You are a nice guy . Now he was standing in the growth chambers . In front of him there were long rows of young trees , all cared by Lena 's competent hand . All those plants that helped rule the company and his heart . But no more . He said no more to her magic , her rule over his heart . Matti approached the small computer at the edge of the room . There he started writing the code that Iika 's friend had given him to a special program they had in order to control the plants ' growth . Everyday Matti tried to focus on his work , he tried not to do a mistake , but it was so hard to be perfect . He could hear her words as an echo to the back of head ; You are a nice guy , was now the drum of his heart . After fifteen very long minutes Matti finally stopped typing . He thought he should check the code again , see for possible mistakes , but he shook his head . That was the geek 's way , the cool guy just did not care . He pressed the magic button and waited . He would have liked to see green fluorescence water be sprayed upon the trees , he would have liked to hear the plants screech , break their roots , fireworks to be fired and drums to echo in a triumphal song . But this was biology , even though it was revenge biology obtained by a dream , and so he had to wait in order to see the results ; if there were any . As the clock passed , Matti dozed off in his chair . High humidity in the air and high alcohol concentration in his blood could be blamed . He found himself lost in some very weird dreams . He saw trees moving . The earth was trembling and the water drops sounded as her words ; You are a nice guy . When he opened his eyes he found out that the reality was not so different , except for the silence . The rest however were true . All around him the young pine trees had arisen from their pots and were moving around , silent as ghosts . Their roots had turned into legs and they could move their branches as hands . Or so Matti understood , he could not be sure what was that he saw , it could the other way around and never know it . What have I done ? Was his first thought . He had created a monstrosity . He had created something that only God should be able to be . Monsters … or evolution ? He watched the moving pine trees and felt strange . He could define it , could not describe except with one word , God . He must have felt the same when he created the world . Matti was not really religious , but after seeing his babies walk outside from their roots , he felt like there was a God . If he could do it , someone else could , right ? He laughed like a maniac , he laughed and laughed till a thought came into his mind . A smile formed into his face as the thought took form . Yes , that should do , that should win all their hearts and all their minds . But first he had to control them . How do you control trees ? Do you play the flute ? Do you call them by their secret names ? Uncertainty crept into his heart , maybe … but he would not give up so easily . " Trees ? Pine trees ? " he asked softly . There was some steering among the trees but he could not understand if they listened to him . I will not give up ! Not now ! He tried calling them by their scientific name and other two of the most closely related species . He called them by the common names in all the languages he knew , he even googled some more . He made up new names . He read to them Darwin 's masterpiece , he read them from the bible . He played the lute for them and sung Bohemia Rapsody . He was so focused to his task that he never paid attention that dawn had arrived . He was looking through internet to see more details about pine 's phylogenies when he heard the trees move together behind him . He raised his eyes and saw her . She was there . Lena was standing there , right next to the door with a sock look in her face . He wanted to say that he felt satisfaction on her horror , but he felt hollow . " What did you do to my babies ? " Lena asked terrified . The trees seemed to recognize her , they were driven by her voice . The pines were sensing her mood and unrest rose among them . They respond to her . They just saw her for the first time , and yet they charmed . " What did you do to my plants ! You no right ! " now her voice was screeching , her eyes glittering with anger . " I wish you were done ! " " I … " he could not find the correct way to say anything , he was lost . He thought he had to respond somehow , but damn this woman , she had a huge effect on him . It did not matter though , it would never matter again . Well , Lena always gets her wish . He thought as one tree started beating him with his branches . 15 / 05 / 201610 small stories , multi chapters Leave a comment AN : Read at your own risk ! Might include bad language or disturbing images . The 4th story of the 1o small stories . You can find the rest at my blog . Enjoy and comment ! The Veiled Woman walked through the stinking roads of the port without taking notice of the filth . She looked as if she originated from another planet , with her silk slippers , her long red dress in the color of blood made by the finest silk , ornate with complex details of golden thread . But what caught the eye was the same thing that made men to keep their distance ; it was her veil . She wore a long black veil made by the same lace as the dress . It covered her head completely ; only by imagination you could tell where the eyes were . It was so long that it reached her elbows . That veil was the most expensive and exquisite thing that was ever worn in that miserable place of town . If it was another day of the year she would have been killed for it . But not today . Today she was safe as it was the Ship Soul Day . That day was the holiest day of the year for the city , not because it linked to a religion or because the government said so . The Ship Soul Day stemmed from those days in the past when everything was dust and stone and low grass . When people lived in small huts and fished in the river to eat and not sell . That day was the last day of the one hundred days long trip of the gypsies . They used to cross the whole dessert to reach this place in a procession of veiled faces . When they reached the riverbed they would release to the water small wooden ships , and they would whisper to them the sweet words they wished their loved ones to hear . They believed that the ships , once on fire , could find their way to the palace of the dead and there the dead could hear about them . As the years passed , the villagers would join the silent procession and would put fire to their own ships . If the burning ships could find the way to the palace of the dead gypsies , why not to the palace of their own ? That day every year , for thousands of years , the Veiled Faces would be under the protection of the souls . And no one ever dared to enrage the souls of the dead . Once , the Bishop of the Cursed , tried to hunt down the Veiled Faces , he tried to kill them , or put them in prison , but he never succeeded . He was burned alive by his daughter who then turned into a ship herself and sailed into the dusk ablaze . Nowadays the procession happened without the authorities or the clerks daring to interrupt them . No one wanted a second Bishop of the Cursed and moreover , many of those people joined the procession themselves . Like the Veiled Woman . She walked by a couple drunk men outside a very suspiciously looking tavern . They smelled like alcohol and they were barely standing . She would have never looked them twice if not for a stretched hand that tried to grab her by the elbow . She pulled away , but there was not real need for that . His companion with the warm hazelnut eyes and the tired face of a middle aged person had stopped him . Something moved into her heart and a tear found its way from her eye to the base of his neck . A tear that only see knew it existed and only she knew why . The offender was not even a man , a fresh boy of seventeen years old . His green eyes told the truth , there drunkness there but also honesty and pure pain . She could tell , she had learned to read the eyes since very young . Without a word she caressed his cheek with two gloved fingers and kissed him on the forehead . She wanted to say something to him , something to comfort him . She was so good in comforted people when they arrived in her church , stranded by a sea of problems , but now she could not even find her voice . She continued her way . Memories have a bad habit . Once they find a crack in the chest she had locked them away in the darkest corners of her soul , nothing could stop them from pouring out . And they then hit her as vivid and alive as when she actually lived them . Twenty years had passed and still she could remember every little detail . She could remember the voice of her stepfather telling her that she was beautiful , that men would lust over her . She could remember the feeling of his hard fingers running up and down her spine , the sour smell of his breath exhaled close to her face could still make her gang . If only he was the first and the last one . At her thirteen years she had been exposed to more men like him than any woman should ever be . Hot tears run down on her cheeks , as many as the coins her stepfather would receive after all those men were done using her on the rough bed . But what could she do ? She was young with no mother to protect her . She was bad at school and had not friends to protect her . She never had time to study so she knew that she could never hope to go to college , so she didn 't even dream of it . With no friends , family and dreams she was left at his mercy and his clients ' pleasure . Her only sanctuary was the silent church . She was not religious , if God existed she would not suffer all these things in the first place . She went there because she was alone and peaceful , she could stay there feeling alone and safe , till the priest came along and then she run away , fearful of all men . After a year , maybe more , she was not sure for how long she lived in that hell , she understood that she had no menstrual cycle . She looked for answers to her biology book and she understood she was pregnant . She panicked . What would she do ? It was so unfair . Why did life had to be so mean to her ? Why to her , only ? Why couldn 't she be like the girls at school with long pink dresses and dolls to play with ? She asked that to the God as well , but no answer came to her . For the rest of the next month she cried often causing her stepfather to be more and more angry , beating her angrily . " If you cry , bitch , no one will want you , except the old perverts . Do you want them ? Trust me , you wouldn 't like them any better " . One day after school , she was sitting silently on the back rows of the church trying to think of how to get rid of the baby . She was thinking so hard that she never heard the nun sitting next to her . " Why are you crying child ? " The next day the nun was there again , sitting two seats from her . The little girl didn 't try to approach her , but her words echoed in her mind God can help us , if he hears our problems . The next day she was there again , as every day of that week . And all the little girl could think was of her words , repeated in her head like a song . After a week she decided to try to speak to the nun . After all , she was working for God , so she should have answers . " If God exists , how can he hear us ? " " Through his servants . He entrusts us to be his ears to listen and his hands to act . " The old nun said nothing else . The little girl left without another word . " Good morning " answered the nun but she did not press her to talk . Nor she commented on her freshly split upper lip . She just sat there , peaceful like the trees . The little girl started telling the story of her life slowly in the beginning , with a lot of pauses and half pronounced words . Slowly though her fear turned to anger , and she started hissing the details of her stepfather 's clients and their acts , wishing she could claw their eyes out and sacrifice them to the God . And then after a few minutes that seemed to her like eternity , she finished the tale of her miserable life crying and out of breath . After a small hesitation she took her hand . She had told her all her secrets and now she was at her mercy . Would she help her ? Maybe . Would she extort her the same way as her stepfather ? Maybe . She could not tell but at least she had hope . All those years that passed , she never regretted taking the hand . The nun led her out of the church and out of the town , into the desert where an old monastery lay there . The monastery became her home , the sworn nuns her family . She became one of them and she nursed to health , sanity and then groomed to be a Nun that Listens . She never saw her stepfather 's face but she heard years later that he had died in a weird accident . The Veiled Woman thanked the Sworn Nuns for that . She had come to learn that they could advice with gentle tongues but when their hands where forced were not gentle at all . Her only sorrow had been that her baby boy had died three days after his birth . When she was safe and sane , she wished she could have kept him . He would have been seventeen today and they would have been eating ice - cream together . Instead , she was a Veiled Face and she was lighting a wooden boat in his memory . The Veiled Woman watched the boat burn to ashes as it disappeared in the sunset . Maybe her memories would burn with it as well . On her way home she passed outside the same old tavern . The young boy was alone now , sleeping next to the door . The Veiled Woman woke him up as gently as she could . Some Ramblings Archetype : the fallen Breathe The light Daughter 's boyfriend mistaken for burglar The Key Charm Afraid 04 . The veiled woman 08 . The Fall Catdom The Song Blog at WordPress . com . a fool dreamer Blog at WordPress . com . Post to |
I was a 43 year old married housewife , with two sons and a daughter , when my new life began . The eldest of the two boys , Ian , was named in honor of my big brother , and my daughter , Fiona , after my mother . Ian and Fiona are 20 year old twins , and their brother , Sean , is the family baby at 17 . My husband , Richard , will be 49 next month , and by the way , my name is Moira . As you may appreciate , all of us , except my husband , Richard , are very Celtic . Yes , we 're descendants of Scottish immigrants ; by my grandparents on my mother 's side , and Irish on my father 's side . As I have mentioned , I have a big brother , Ian , three years my senior , married , and with one son soon to be 19 , if I remember correctly . He 's married to a hussy , oh , excuse my French , to a good for nothing wife , who luckily lives five hundred miles away and unfortunately is my husband 's sister , ergo my sister - in - law ; I also have , we also have better said , Ian and me , two younger siblings ten years my junior who can be considered the children of my parents ' old age , and they are also twins . My family is big on twins , as you can see . Our parents have a medium - size dairy farm on which they , besides providing the feed for their cows , harvest corn and other crops and fresh veggies to sell at the town market . We come from a small community in the middle of the big plain fields of Kansas , New Gotland is the town 's name , and my husband , Richard , works in the sheriff office of McPherson County . My big brother , Ian , is an Agronomist , and went west to work for a big multinational agricultural company , and our family , as a whole , would meet only two , three times a year , and even then , not every year , on my parents ' birthdays ( both are in May ) , maybe at Thanksgiving , and at Christmas . Just to let things be known , I should tell you before continuing with the story , that I was married , but not happily . On the contrary it was , at least to me , a hurtful marriage . I was married because I got pregnant 20 some odd years ago when I was in my second year in college , and Richard thought it was his duty to make an honest woman of me , ha , ha , ha , and my dad 's shotgun also helped convince him , of course . We always were very close , my brother , Ian , and me . It started as early as I could remember when we were toddlers playing in the mud together , taking baths together , and running around in the park by the house . We went together when I was old enough to go to school , and he being older always took good care of me ; you could say I had a crush on him . I felt lost without him when he went to high school , so we were always hanging out together when I caught up with him in high school . We always managed to find time to talk and hang out when we could , even when he was in college and I was ready to graduate from high school . If anyone asked me , I would tell them I loved my brother , of course . I mean doesn 't every sister ? Then it happened . It was one summer day before I was going to start college . I had just turned 18 a few weeks before , after formally graduating from high school ; I was nervous about what it would be like to be in college and about guys my age . I knew I wouldn 't have to worry about it because my big brother would be there , and he would look after me as he did many times before . Then I did what was usual for me . We were alone in the house early that evening ; Ian was in his room feeling sorry for himself about the end of his two year relationship with his girlfriend . So , as I usually did when we were kids , I ran up the stairs to my brother 's room to try to get him off of what I thought must be his loneliness and boredom . I threw the door open without knocking first , and barged in . " Ian , can I talk with you about co . . . " and to my surprise , I found him with his pants on the floor and with his hand working very hard on a very hard dick . " Oh , Ian , I am really sorry . I didn 't know , I didn 't think , and , and . . . I truly apologize , " I said and couldn 't help burst laughing at the sight of the tent in his bed mattress . I loved my big brother because she wasn 't like the brothers of other girls I knew from high school who are pretty nasty , humiliating , and sarcastic to their little sisters and their friends most of the time . Unlike them , Ian had always been my protector and mentor , and had supported me in so many ways while we were growing up . He was just out of his junior year at the state university and had turned 21 only a couple months ago . " I just wanted to keep you company and talk to you about me in college and stuff . " I went over and sat on the edge of the bed . " Ian , I 'm truly sorry I walked in like that , but don 't feel bad that I saw you . Everybody does it , even me . " " I know , but it 's nothing to be ashamed of . The only thing I can think about is how you must feel now that your girlfriend is out of your life . I assume you guys had sex since you 'd been going steady for two years , " I said , trying to calm him down . " But I am , and I think I should tell you how things work there . Well , " he said . " You 're going to have a lot to learn in college besides your course work , and that 's because a lot of those college boys are way ahead of you in experience , sexual experience . " " No , not just like that . I will say that most of the girls I met in my freshman year were pretty ignorant about sex , and that 's why I worry about you . I 'd hate to think that boys are going to think you 're some neo - virgin who doesn 't know her way around . " " . . . something that either of us had considered as permanent . Truth is , I 've had a dozen sex partners since I 've gotten to college , and one of them was an older woman professor . Of those , she was the one I 've learned the most from , well at least most what I know . " " Right , the first thing you must know is how to protect yourself once you 've lost your maidenhood to some lucky fellow . The campus medical center sells birth control pills to girls over 18 on a don 't ask , don 't tell , basis , and you should start taking them as soon as you get there . Still , since I don 't know how reliable they really are , you should consider the other option . " " Are you that naïve , Baby ? Listen , it 's getting late , and Mom might be coming home soon . Consider this as sort of an introductory lesson , and we 'll begin your real education when Mom and Dad head up to their friends ' house on the shore this weekend . " " Ha , ha , ha , you wish that was true , " I said , as he sniggered and I turned and sashayed to the door , wiggling my cute little ass . Each day until Saturday seemed like it was forty eight hours long . I was still struggling with the notion that my big brother and I were going to be friends with benefits , not in the biblical sense , mind you , but very nearly . When I now thought about our budding relationship , that expression wasn 't even mentioned almost twenty five years ago . Our parents left for the shore about nine Saturday morning . I stayed in my room . I wasn 't even sure if Ian was still going to follow through with our plan and I was starting to think that it maybe wasn 't such a good idea ; maybe it would be better to let things go their own way until I went to college and saw how things were there . He came in , sat on my bed , took my hand , and put it on his crotch over his pajamas . I felt something nice , warm , and firm . I squeezed it a little and let my fingers play with it ; something was becoming firm and erect . " But . . . but . . . I don 't think I could do something so dirty . " I tentatively asked my brother , " Have you done it , I mean have girls done it to you ? " He nodded and said , " OK , you 're right . We 've all been first - timers . " Then he stood up and pulled his pajamas and shorts down , and kicked them to a corner . He stood there stark naked , with his magnificent cock right in front of my face . I blushed and started shaking . My own brother was totally nude , only inches from me . " It works much better if we both have our clothes off , " he said , as he bent over and pulled my tee shirt over my head . Then he knelt down in front of me and pulled my panties off . My pussy was already wet , and he smiled seeing that I was ready for my first lesson . " You 'll get used to being with a naked man this way . " " Are you going to make me suck it " I asked , shaking like a leaf . " Later , " he grinned , and seeing as I was terrified , said " Don 't worry , I 'm joking . You have to pay attention to teacher right now . " He explained the basics of a good blowjob to me . He took my finger and started licking around the tip with his tongue , then he slowly took it and put it in his mouth , sucking at it like it were a bar of candy , moving it inside his mouth then he took it out and licked the finger from the tip down to the palm of my hand and back up several times . He put it in his mouth again when it was covered with spit , and returned to the sucking and licking . I was nervous as I took his hand with mine trembling ; I had never done anything so kinky , so weird , so exciting , or so thrilling . I was going to simulate giving a blowjob to my big brother ; truth is that it was only his finger I was going to suck ; truth is that it was only make believe , but I found the situation stimulating none the less . There we were , both of us naked on my bed , both sexually over - stimulated if his rampant erection and my wetness were any kind of proof . We never finished the lessons on how could I become an expert on girl / boy relationships in college . We didn 't meet alone again , and it took almost all summer for us to feel comfortable with each other again . Something in our relationship had subtly changed ; I didn 't know what it was at the moment , and I 'm sure Ian also didn 't know what had happened . It was a weird feeling ; we were more united mentally than ever before in our lives , and we were uncomfortable when we were together alone at the same time . This sensation slowly disappeared with the passage of time , and our relationship was almost completely normal well into my first semester at college . We started to go out and spend time together again , so much so that some people made malicious comments about us , about how much time we spent together , or about the effort I always made to see him . But we were just really close . I suppose they were just jealous . That was just the way it was with us , we loved each other and liked to be together . I always thought he was a handsome guy and it was a surprise to me that he never dated anyone steadily again . I figured he was just holding out for the right girl , and I didn 't blame him . There were a lot of tramps out there . In my mind , I romantically thought whichever girl my brother wound up with would be the right one for him , and he had time to avoid making mistakes . When it came to these sorts of things , I thought timing was really everything , after all . Life has taught me just how wrong I was . I found myself with no more classes one evening . My Chemistry 101 professor was sick , so got to leave early , and on the spur of the moment , I decided to drop in on Ian at his dorm before going to mine . I had been there a few times , so I knew my way around the buildings . I made my way through the campus toward his dorm after parking the car . The college was always full of people , and I figured Ian would probably be out with friends , but maybe I could catch him , drink a soda , and chat . I felt very ' college girl ' that night wearing a white tank top and black skirt , with a pink band in my hair . The truth was , one reason I went to see my big brother at his dorm was to check out the guys , his acquaintances that I would meet in the next year . High school boys had been mostly immature and I figured the older boys in college would be a little more mature . I wasn 't much for dating , and I knew all about intercourse , of course ; anyone living on a farm learns about it at an early age . I slipped into the door of the building as a couple was coming out , went up the three flights of stairs , and made my way to Ian 's room . I always liked to sneak up on him whenever I could , mostly at home , of course , so when I came to his door , I checked the handle to see if it was unlocked . It clicked open and I darted in with a big grin . My smile froze on my face at the picture suddenly before my eyes ; my brother , my playmate , the confidant to whom I had told things that not even my best friend knew , was naked in bed having sex with a woman . The woman turned her head at the sound of the door opening and saw me in the doorway . She uttered a cry of terror at the intrusion and tried to disengage my brother from above her . With her cries and the scandal , my brother who didn 't understand what was happening , turned his head in the door 's direction , and I saw the look of surprise and the glassy stare he had in his eyes , before I turned and slammed the door shut . I had stopped him in the middle of coitus . If there ever was one , that was really a case of ' coitus interruptus ' . Our relationship changed dramatically from then on ; we were no more siblings , companions , and accomplices ; something had broken inside me that day . I didn 't know what or why , I only wanted to have nothing to do with Ian , I went back home and entered a stage of alternating rebellion and depression that my parents didn 't understand . When my brother came back home at the request of my parents , who didn 't know was wrong with me and didn 't know what to do , and he asked me what was happening with me , I just told him to fuck off and never talk me again . Silly of me . I went back to college , where I had lost a semester , and my mind was made up . If he could fuck , so could I , and it was then that my short wild spree started . Everything went wrong , and I now didn 't have a big brother to advise me or keep me out of trouble . It was a short spree , because when Richard , a student I knew from our hometown who was a jerk , asked me to go drinking and dancing at a place where I would see and be seen by Ian , I told him yes to annoy my brother . That party was a nightmare . Ian was there with a couple of his friends and girls , and his expression went sour when he saw me with Richard , and he didn 't remove his eyes off me all night . I acted very crazy , and the more he looked at me , the crazier my behavior became . Not being accustomed to hard drinking , I was completely drunk by midnight , making a spectacle of myself to the screaming and cheering of the place crowded with students . My brother had left the place before midnight , so he didn 't see me at my worst ; but I 'm sure the people he was there with and who didn 't leave with him had to tell him everything with plenty of details . My head was throbbing like mad , and my headache was so painful that it could be registered in the Guinness Book of Records the next morning . It was the same the next Saturday , only this time my brother got up and left the premises as soon as I got in the club . It was a rowdy night again and I was considered a slut by the end of the month . I lost my virginity to Richard , and as luck would have it , my period went missing after only three copulations . That sobered me up in a hurry , and I knew I was in deep shit when my period didn 't arrive for the second month in a row . I was so afraid of what Ian would do , tell , or think of me , that I didn 't even think of asking him to help or to advise me . I didn 't and our lives were tattered . I went home and confessed to my parents what their stupid daughter had done with her life . My father went to talk with Richard 's parents and explained the hard facts of their son 's and his daughter 's life in college to them . Richard 's parents went to talk to him and asked him to get married and give a name to their grandson . Richard adamantly refused to throw his life away - his own words - for a stupid girl who didn 't even know how to take care precautions not to get pregnant with a brat . It wasn 't his problem , he said ; he wasn 't in love , wouldn 't marry me , and that was all . My father didn 't agree with Richard ; he was old school and he had always thought that if you put your dick in any woman 's pussy and she becomes pregnant , that it 's your obligation to take care of the mother and child . So he took his twelve gauge two barreled shotgun , put it in his truck , went to the town where the college is , waited for him , and convinced him to marry me or else , one late evening . We married and I wished I had remained a single mother after a few months . Ellen , my husband 's sister and double sister - in - law is one year younger than me , so I have known her well since before school . She had had always a streak of envy towards me . Everyone knew her as we grew up together in a small town before and after we left for college . Well , everyone knew everyone else in town . Ellen worked at the ice cream shop in town after class and during summers . It was one of those old - time family - run establishments , and in her case , served her parents as a way to keep her lazy self - occupied . I always thought she hated me because my big brother was always there for me , while hers didn 't give a damn what happened to her . It had always been like that . She was a quiet enough , cute girl , if you like insipid blondes with insipid faces ; those kinds of faces that don 't say anything to you when you see them . She later became colorful and showy , without being beautiful when she was growing up through her teens and afterward ; the kind of woman most men like to marry . I didn 't think my brother would be one of them , and knowing what I know now , I see that I was right and he was wrong . With my reckless behavior in college and my foul ways with my brother , I ruined not only my life , but his also . I got pregnant and it was only my ego that was bruised at first , and my whole body was bruised after a few months into my marriage . My soul sank when he , my brother , married the little tramp . I just couldn 't forgive him his betrayal but then , betrayal to whom ? I was his sister , married to his brother - in - law , whom was he betraying by marrying Ellen ? I thought it was my hormones taking possession of my mind and driving me insane at that moment . Now that I think things through the passing of time , I never even loved my husband ; I mean I was never ' in love ' with him . He was only an accomplice on my short wild days at first , and that was because I knew him from our hometown since we were kids . I had never suspected him to have such a nasty , violent , unpleasant , and dangerous nature . Now that I know we never were ' in love ' with our spouses , worst of all , we apparently never ever loved them , not even as a friend . We not in love and I force myself to ask the question ' why did we continue to be married for so many years ? ' I know my own answer ; I was afraid , deadly afraid of my husband , but Ian ? What made him live with a woman who only wanted his money and all that that money brings , and foremost , make his life as miserable as she could . I had seen her doing that to Ian in front of the whole family ; I can 't even say her given name , that shrew , that harpy woman who always had something to complain about , making her own son blush with shame at family gatherings . My brother always looked at her with grief and disregard at those times , and I had seen her own son tell her to shut the fuck up and take his father by the shoulders and take him out of his mother 's whining presence . I felt embarrassed when seeing and hearing how that mare , that whore , that shameless hussy , disparaged my brother during those times . We didn 't know it at the time , but things were on their way to getting resolved ; not from one day to the next , but they would be resolved , and the solution was to come from the old country , one of our ancestor 's countries . It had been a long time since the whole family was reunited , but it was a special occasion ; a lawyer had come to our parents ' home with a request from a Scottish solicitor . This is the beginning of our new story . All my parents ' offspring , their respective spouses , small and adult children , were coming to our parents ' home during Thanksgiving week . Before dinner one night , my father asked us to gather in the dining room . Once there , he told us he had received a call from a lawyer who had received a letter from a solicitor in Scotland , the old country . " Yeah sure , Dad , go and enjoy yourself . You need it and don 't worry about me . I 'm not a baby ; I 'm nineteen . " I looked my quiet nephew with new respect . Ian then turned to his wife and said , " As for you , you do as you have been doing for the last twenty years , whatever you want , and spending the money I earn . If that 's not enough for you , you can get a job , get to work , and earn your money . " Addressing Father , " Please call the lawyer tomorrow and tell him I 'll leave on the first flight to London , " now if you all will excuse me . . . The trip began with in ominous silence . Seated in the plane one next to each other , I hardly spoke to my brother at first ; I was as angry with him as I had been for the last twenty one years , and the worst thing is that I shouldn 't be . I was thinking about what he had done to me to make me angry ? Nothing , then why was I so pissed at him all these years , if the first name to come to my head when the twins were born and one of them was a boy , was to name him Ian . I wanted to cry in mourning as I looked to the sky outside through the plane 's small window ; here we were , what you should be considered as two mature people , and siblings above everything else no less , barely speaking to the other and both hurting inside . I was , and am sure he was hurting , because I was hurting too , and because I could see the hurt in him , in the expression on his face , and in his eyes the few times we got together in our parents ' home . The reflection of his suffering soul was in the back of his eyes . How could have we reached this point ? I fleetingly looked at him by my side , his elbow touching mine in the cramped space , and I intuitively knew that he wasn 't sleeping ; his eyelids didn 't have the rest a really sleeping person has ; they had the subtle flickering of someone pretending to sleep , and the muscles of his jaw were clenching and unclenching at the same time . As much I love him , I knew in that instant that it has to be me who broke the ice if we 're going to bond again after so many years . I know it is always we women who try to mend things with our men ; even the best of them can 't budge . It 's a macho thing with them not to ask for forgiveness , admit they were wrong , or say ' excuse me ' ; they only relent when they 're in need of sex , and need their wife or girlfriend to relieve them of blue balls . That 's when they are nice and good men . Beware of them , women , when they are the other way . Ian , besides being a good person , unhappy maybe , but a good person , is also my big brother , so it all boils down to a case of hardheaded stubbornness in our case . I got the idea to approach him with this when dinnertime came . The transatlantic flight was over the ocean , when the stewardesses went from row to row offering drinks and asking for food preferences around 10 PM , and Ian made it look like he was waking up . I couldn 't resist the temptation to molest him a little , in a kind way , of course , and said to him , " Oh , big brother , how lucky that you 're awake ; would you let me pass so I could go to the toilet and empty my bursting bladder ? " Oh my God , as a kid with the hand in the proverbial cookie jar , his face suddenly went a deep red and his behavior showed different emotions . He rapidly stood up against the backrest and murmured something I didn 't understand , but it was something about being sorry , you could have awakened me , not wait , blah , blah , blah . I put my back toward him , and making as if I was stuck passing by his front , made my bottom rub against his pubis . If he was red before , he was now a red purple when I threw a look at him after I was in the aisle . My heart was pounding madly . That 's when the steward came to our row and asked what we wanted . Ian , who knows my likes , ordered for the both of us as if we were an old couple together . He turned to me when the steward left and , red as a tomato again , said , " Sorry , Sis , I had no right to ask . . . " He squeezed harder my hand in his and I felt something wet on my forehead , and when I touched it with my right hand , it felt like a river was falling on me . My hand then went up , and I could feel tears all over his cheeks as I touched his face . He was silently crying like a baby . He didn 't know how that question made me feel . I felt so cheap and hurt , and I couldn 't tell him that it was because of him , could I ? But I wanted retribution ; his words were salt in my wounds , my shattered ego , as well as other parts of my body , claiming vengeance ; I couldn 't keep quiet and let the wounds heal . It seemed as if I had learned nothing in the last twenty years . " And I married her , " he said , following the conversation as if I hadn 't interrupted him , " Because of you , to get back at you . You had hurt me , and I wanted to hurt you in the same way . We were so stupid . . . " and his voice was lost in the silence of the airplane cabin . " Don 't change the subject . No , I will leave his mother , and he has the option of either staying with her or coming with me . He goes to college next year anyway , so he 'll leave the nest and just thinking of my being alone in the same house with his mother gives me the creeps . " We arrived at London Heathrow Airport at 07 : 45 AM . To me , it was the first night in a long time that I had slept and felt rested . How couldn 't it be so , if I was sleeping besides a man who loves me and would protect me with his own life ? We went to the offices of British Airways at Heathrow after passing passport control and customs to buy two tickets for the 9 : 50 AM flight to Aberdeen . We ate in an airport restaurant before taking the car and driving on the left - handed side of the country 's roads at a leisurely pace . Ian was driving as we talked about the country we were passing by and the uncertainties of the trip may hold for us . We were very careful not to touch any personal issues , although we were going to have to do it at some point , but as with many things in life , there is always the right time and this wasn 't it in this case . Probably due to Alford 's relative isolation and large suburban area , there are a large number of services in the village , including three banks , a supermarket , three garages , a bakery , and a wide range of other shops . There is also a dry ski slope , swimming pool , golf course , and public library . Travel to Aberdeen to satisfy other important needs is the usual solution . We looked for a relatively good place to rest and other service . We found a couple rooms in a four star mixture of a country inn and hotel , near to an old medieval castle , who catered mostly to the numerous tourists who swarm to the place in fair weather . After a good shower , we asked the reception desk for a phone book to get the number of our relative 's attorney so we could connect with him . We called to inform him we were in town . He told us he could see us right away , so we asked him for directions to his offices . It was easy to find his house and we were at his door and ringing his bell fifteen minutes later . He opened the door a few minutes later and effusively greeted us . He invited us to enter to a well - furnished office after the necessary introductions , and we were soon seated in two comfortable armchairs . He asked if we wanted some refreshments or tea , and when we declined , he took a thick folder that was in front of him , opened it , and said : " As you must know by now , I 'm your distant relative 's solicitor and sometimes administrator . . . " He explained to our puzzled faces , " A Solicitor in the UK is the equivalent , mostly , to an attorney at law or Lawyer , as you say in the USA . I 'm also his administrator , but only concerning matters of law and legal documents ; I 'm not an accountant , so I don 't keep his money accounts . " It was Ian who spoke up this time and told him we could go right away if he thought important . Mr . Hotchkins looked at his pocket watch and answered that it was a little late since it was getting dark early because it was winter . We agreed to meet at the hotel entrance after breakfast the next morning , from where we were going to visit the old man . " No , not so bad for winter . Now with respect to your relative ; he is very old . As you know , he is over ninety four and doesn 't take well to unknown visitors , so it 's my duty to present you to the old rascal . He is very anxious to know his young relatives from America . " We got out of the car and went up the stairs to a magnificent oak door . It opened , and there he stood , leaning on the arm of a mature lady , who we later learned was his housekeeper , and was in charge not only the people who worked in the house , but also the expenses and the home finances . We waited till the solicitor spoke . " Nonsense , just come in and make the introductions inside . It 's too cool outside to be chattering at the front door . Come in , come in . Let 's go in front of the fire in the sitting room , Mrs . Murdock . " The weather was worse the next day . It had snowed lightly during the night , temperatures had fallen to 38 degrees , and a fine drizzle was falling with a humidity of almost 100 % . What the hell did I expect ? It was December and we weren 't in Palms Spring ; we were on the northeast coast of Scotland by the North Sea . It was good weather to catch a cold or something worse , and in a foreign country . Trying to read a map and drive at the same time is not recommended , especially in the tight lanes of rural England . Trying to drive with a female , even if she is your dear sister , reading a map and giving you snap directions to bear right at the junction isn 't recommended either , although the idea would have seemed to have been the right one for a short while . The road was well maintained , with clipped hedges lining the steep banks that were only relieved where a gate into fields appeared . Ian was driving the rental car , and I was now quietly looking out the window and thinking ; I was mad because after my last , " Wait a minute I think we should turn at . . . , " Ian had stopped the car , taken the map from my hands , closed it , and kept driving . The car was moving along a single lane road in an extremely rural area of Alford Valley . The late afternoon sun shined on the trees and distant farms , cows , sheep , and barns . We went to see our old relative almost all week ; he was old , but very sharp , and his questions were always to the point . He mostly wanted to know about our family and how we had fared since his cousins migrated to America , and we told him all we knew about our ancestors . While taking tea and sherry after dinner one day , he surprised us asking about our own families and lives . We looked at each other , surprised , and didn 't know what to tell the old buzzard . He had a sly smile and said , " Don 't worry ; your secrets are safe with me . I have my own reasons to hear from you about your actual lives . " Once in the hotel , I told Ian that I wasn 't sleepy and would he have a drink with me ; we did and while seated in the sofas , we opened the envelopes to read their contents . Our surprise was huge ; the results of two researches on our lives commissioned by the old codger two weeks prior were in the envelopes . We had to laugh , because except for our activities in the bedroom ( which were none on my part and as I later knew it was the same for Ian ) , everything else was included . Yes , he was a pretty smart fellow . We never saw our old cousin alive anymore . I assume he died a death of old age ; he was 94 years old , going on 95 , after all . His administrator told us he was in bed with a bad cold and that it would be a few days before he could see us again ; it never happened . He died in his sleep five days after he gave us the manila envelopes with the results of an investigation of our lives . As his only relatives in Scotland , tradition dictates that we take care of all matters relating to the funeral rites and burial . It was something unexpected that we had not thought of ; my brother was not a religious man to begin with , and hadn 't entered a church since his marriage , and that was only because his wife 's family had insisted on a religious ceremony . It was the same with me ; everybody in my family was , or is , Catholic on the Irish side , and confessed Presbyterians on the Scottish side . I had a lax religious education ; it had been a mixture of both , in fact , so I didn 't practice either one . And there we were . Old McIllroy had been an institution in the region , not only for his age , but for his vast fortune . As in most old and backwoods Europe people of all backgrounds went to pay their respects to the family . To us , Ian and me , the Catholic funeral was a kind of a nightmare , not because there was nothing to be afraid of , but as that part of the country are mostly affiliated with the Protestant Church of Scotland , the little Catholic Church has no permanent priest . There is an itinerant priest , almost like in the Middle Ages , who serves several parishes on a rotating schedule , unless there is a specific event that can 't take place without his presence , such as weddings , baptisms , or funerals . We were respectfully informed by the people of the area that this was going to be a burial as in the old days . The old McIllroy housekeeper took care to send for the priest first thing . The Archdiocese told her they would send for Father O ' Reilly who was two days away , and wouldn 't be able to get to Alford before the third day , so in the interim , we would be able to get to know most people who came to the house to pay their respects to the deceased 's kinfolks , meaning us , the two cousins from America . As is usual in those cases , the family stays at the home of deceased to receive condolences most of the time . This was a part of the process we could never have imagined . It was a brutal sacrifice for us both in that we were forced to spend ten hours a day kind of meeting people we didn 't know or know of us . When the day 's visitors had left , which happened at about six o ' clock , the rooms were closed , the employees went to their rooms , and we went back to the hotel , cold and tired , to take off the dark clothes we wore by tradition , take a hot bath , eat something , and go to bed . The next day was a repeat of the previous one , and when Father O ' Reilly arrived on the third day , along with the employees of the undertaker from Aberdeen to prepare the funeral with the guidance and support offered by the priest . Catholic funeral , burial , or cremation arrangements cannot be finalized until the deceased 's family has had an opportunity to coordinate the desired rite pertaining to a Catholic funeral and burial with the priest . It could be a full Mass , a visit to the funeral home to offer prayers , or a simple graveside service . The priest then asked us if there were any special requirements on our part . We admitted to our absolute ignorance about the deceased 's wishes , and suggested that his lawyer , Mr . Hotchkins , should know . We sent for him so he could clarify whether or not Mr . McIllroy had left any testamentary instructions about his final disposition . While the Catholic Church accepts cremation , the body of the cremains must be present in the church at a Mass of Christian Burial . In this case , Mr . Hotchkins informed us all that there was a clause in the will concerning the final disposition of the body . In the lawyer 's words , his client had said , " I don 't want to be cremated ; I prefer to wait and see what happens as I maybe able to dodge the flames of hell . " Despite the conditions , that caused everyone present to laugh . It was raining hard in the small cemetery after the Mass , when we went to bury our cousin and I was soaked to the bones . I wasn 't feeling so well , in fact , and I thought I could get the flu . The week had been very cold and rainy and we were all drenched to the skin , umbrellas being insufficient to shield us from the gusts of wind and the rain that fell . We returned to the hotel when the funeral was over , and I noticed that my temperature was very high , but I thought that a hot bath and a good night 's sleep would fix everything . I was wrong . |
Anyway , I put on my coat and asked him to get in his bed . He jus sat there looking at me so I gave in and lifted him in to his bed , gave him his treats and locked the crate . There was silence as I walked out the door . I nipped to the tip to drop off what I forgot yesterday and then went to Tesco . As I got back home and got out of the car I could hear him barking . He went quiet as I unlocked the door and then started squeaking once he saw me . I have no idea why he was barking but after a quick fuss we went in to the garden and he piddled fairly quickly so maybe it was that . Once Rodders had been in the garden we came in and I started to put away the shopping . We had a bit of a battle as Rodders wanted to bite the shopping bags and then me for stopping him . I didn 't resort to the lead but he did get a couple of checks using the choke chain . OH mentioned yesterday that Rodders will soon be able to get on the sofa by himself . If he wants up he stands with his front feet up on the cushion and is trying to push off with his back legs . When he can 't get up there he barks and then looks at me . I think a trip to Dunelm to buy a throw may be needed before he can get up there on his own . At 9 . 45 I thought this was madness so I woke him up , popped his lead on , grabbed my coat and put on my wellies . This seemed to motivate him and we got out the door . He walked nicely to the Nicky Line but does bark at everyone he see 's even if he does keep walking ! We headed towards the rugby field and I swapped leads so that he could have a run about . He has a new game , dancing right in front of me ! He was also on the hunt for treasure and found a McDonalds coffee cup that was huge and pranced about with that for a while , he also wanted to go and chase crows and to go and play with a greyhound . I wonder where he would be off to if he wasn 't at the end of a lead ! Generally he does come when called and will wait if asked , but with other distractions I am not so sure ! I didn 't hear anything until 5 . 45am . When I let him out of his crate he wanted a quick fuss before darting to the door to go out for a piddle . He came back in for another fuss and then asked to go out again for a poo . When he came back in he went straight to the rolled up carpet in the lounge and had a quick play with his new toy and then , when I curled up on the sofa , he asked to come too so I put a snuggle fleece down between my head and knees and popped him on it . He wanted to lick me to death for 5 minutes and then settled down . The pair of us slept there until 7 . 30 when I needed to go upstairs to use the bathroom . Rodders followed me up but then stretched himself out on the landing and didn 't move when I came back downstairs . I went and made a cuppa and got his breakfast ready before he started to squeak . When I went to check he had got himself halfway down the stairs and was sat on a step squeaking at me . I encouraged him down the rest of the way and he came in to the lounge and curled up on his new bed pad . We had a wander about and picked up some dog treats ( for Rodders & Finnans Christmas present ) and the pet food holder and talked to people that we met including an 8 week old Jack Russell puppy called Mia ( very tiny , very gorgeous ! ) and a toddler who was very excited to see Rodders bbefore we bumped in to Kirsty who works there , she loves Mini Schnauzers and wants one of her own and is keeping her eye out for a rescue dog . She has met Rodders before and couldn 't believe how much he had grown . She was very patient and waited for Rodders to approach her before she fussed him , her patience paid off and she got a snuggle too . He also made friends with what looked like a small white samoyed and a couple of GSD 's - size really doesn 't matter to Rodders ! I decided to go back to the Pet Supermarket at St Albans to see if we could find another bed bad , similar to what we got on Sunday but oblong . Rodders barked his way around most of the store until we got to the toys . The cheeky monkey found himself a toy ! Luckily it was only £ 2 . 49 , one of those old fashioned rubber dumbbells with a bell in it . He happily chased it around the store while I looked at the beds and other things . Several people stopped to talk to him but there were no dogs in today . We didn 't buy a bed , all the right shaped ones seemed to have hard covers and I wanted something fleecy and snuggly . I suppose it would have been OK with his snuggle fleece on top . We then had a game of tug before he asked to go back out . Once he was back in he was happy to settle down on snuggle fleece , his first nap since about 1pm . We have moved through to the lounge and he is now on his new bed pad . I will give him an hour before giving him his supper . I put him down on the floor while I got my coat on and sorted out his treats , he just sat on snuggle fleece and watched me . Once I was ready to go I popped him in his bed with his treats and closed the crate . Not a sound as I left him . I let Rodders sleep for about an hour and then made him come upstairs with me while I got washed and dressed . He settled on the bathmat while I washed and the bed as I got dressed . We said our usual good morning to Pentland before coming downstairs . Rodders was happy to play in the conservatory for a little while and then wanted in to the garden for a piddle and a run about . Once back inside he wanted to play so we have played fetch with the ball and a bit of tug . After another play on his own he has gone back out in to the garden and is digging in the stones at the end of the patio . There is no doubt that OH loves Rodders , who else would give up so much sleep for him ? I know that he does it as he loves me too and knows what a grouch I am if I don 't get my sleep , but he also does it because he loves Rodders . Luckily it is a mutual appreciation society ! When OH is here Rodders is very happy to be in his company . Like this morning , once I got up and came downstairs Rodders is happy to stay upstairs with him . I could hear OH go in the shower and call him and then I could hear thump , thump , thump . When I went to investigate Rodders was on the landing playing with his slipper . Mean Mummy would have had him shut in the bathroom with her ! As OH went out the back door Rodders went too , I could hear OH struggling to get out the gate so I called him and he came running which gave OH time to get out and shut the gate . Rodders then went back to sniff the gate and bark as he listened to OH getting in the car and driving away . Once he was sure he had gone he was happy to come back in and settle down for a rest on his new bed pad . With hind sight OH thinks that Rodders was hungry when he was up with him in the night . Looking back OH thinks the signs were there but he didn 't read them right . Rodders was trying to get to me and I am usually the one that feeds him , he was licking the yoghurt pot and sniffing his bowl . Rodders was happily snoozing on his new bed pad and I thought it would be a good opportunity to see if I can comb him through while he is dopey . I did try earlier but there were bits I couldn 't get to . He was very good and I managed to get to most bits of him without too much trouble . As he seemed so comfy and happy on his new bed pad I thought we should swap it for his plastic bed and bed pad in the crate so , while I took him out to the garden for a final piddle , OH swapped them over . When we came back in Rodders seemed confused and wouldn 't go in to his crate . We both tried to encourage him in but it wasn 't working . OH lifted him in and we locked the crate and said goodnight . About midnight Rodders started to bark and OH got up with him . They went in to the garden and Rodders was still barking , OH was trying to keep him quiet so they didn 't wake the neighbours . Once inside Rodders wanted upstairs to me but OH wouldn 't let him , he then wanted to play and lick his yoghurt pot . Eventually OH managed to get him to settle down on his chest and got him off to sleep , two hours later he came back to bed after putting Rodders back in his crate . OH let him out in to the garden for a piddle and then filled his bowl up with Kibble . When Rodders came in he wolfed down half of it straight away before going back to the garden for a poo . After a bit of a play and a snuggle they came up to wake me . OH and Rodders then went upstairs to get slippers and use the bathroom and then came down for a play while I sorted out dinner . OH tells me that Rodders is getting very good at stopping play when he gets too excited or rough and calms down quite quickly but Rodders wasn 't really ready to stop playing when dinner was ready and kept jumping up OH at the dinner table , bad boy . He did eventually settle on his snuggle fleece . Once we had eaten and I had cleared away I left Rodders with OH while I loaded the car up ready to go to the tip . It is so much quicker to do it on my own . Rodders didn 't seem bothered by me putting on my coat and going out the kitchen door without him , I am so pleased that he is happy to be with OH . As we got to the Nicky Line we met a lady with an Airedale and a Cavalier , the Airedale ignored us but the Cavvy said hello . We let them walk in front of us but the Cavvy kept coming back so we overtook and headed to the rugby field . To get out of their way we went on the rugby field at the first opportunity and I made Rodders sit so I could swap leads . He loves the freedom of the extendable lead and will lag behind and then run past me . He will usually wait when told for me to catch him up if he is in front . This doesn 't work too well if there are other dogs about though so we need to practice more but it does allow us the freedom to try without him being able to run off . This isn 't very far and is all on pavements so I used it as an opportunity to get Rodders to walk nicely to heel . He was brilliant until we needed to walk past a bus stop with a lady in it when he just sat down and refused to move ! We did eventually get past that and we got stopped by another lady asking where we sent him to be groomed , she was amazed when I said I did it myself : - ) He didn 't need any encouragement to settle down on his new bed pad at my feet and there he stayed until 10 . 45 . He then asked to come up on my knee and he went straight to sleep for another 30 minutes . I eventually gave up and woke him as we need to get moving . He was most unimpressed as I opened the door and put him in the garden and decided to stand there and bark at the guy two doors down who was out working in his garden . Little horror didn 't move off the patio at all so I gave up and called him in so that I could go and have a shower . I took a Kong stuffed with kibble with me but he really wasn 't interested , he hasn 't really eaten since 6pm last night . Once we sat down to watch television he settled on snuggle fleece for a while but once he woke up he didn 't know whose knee he wanted to be on and was a real fidget , moving position every few minutes . His tummy seemed huge and it was gurgling quite a lot . He hasn 't eaten anything he shouldn 't as far as I know . OH and I were both worried about him and thought he may have a tummy ache , if only they could talk ! Rather than risk him messing up his new bed pad I put his old bed back in the crate for the night , just to be safe . We thought that we may end up with a disturbed night . He did ask to go out in the garden during the evening so at bed time he wasn 't interested in having a piddle and came straight back in . OH was in the kitchen so Rodders went straight in there to say goodnight but he climbed in to his bed when asked . I gave him some kibble rather than puppy treats just to be on the safe side . When OH came up for a shower Rodders came to find me in bed . I let him up for a quick snuggle before I got up . He was torn when I went downstairs as he didn 't know of he wanted to be with me or OH . OH and the slippers won ! He woke up and sneakily started to bite his new bed pad and when I stopped him from doing that he tried to bite me : - ( His lead has been put back on for a while to see if we can stop that . I have put the bed pad back in the crate for now . He then saw his yoghurt pot and went bouncing off after it and played for a while with that . Next he tried to get the bed pad out of the crate , luckily he can 't do that as it is quite a good fit . But we do have to stop him biting it . The muddy puppy also wanted up for a fuss . While he was in my arms I started to comb through his legs and face but couldn 't get under his chin . I put him on the floor on a snuggle fleece and managed to get through the worst of it , he wasn 't too happy though as I had to tug a bit in places . I left him to pull it around but , when he asked to go in the garden , I put it in his crate . When he came back in he wanted up for a snuggle . After a little while I popped him in the crate on top of the new bed pad , he came straight out . I then got some small treats and dropped them all over the bed pad and he went back in to the crate to hoover them up . Rodders and I went off to the pet shop at St Albans to see if we could find him a bean bag but they don 't sell them . We did come home with a nice squishy bed pad that just fits in his crate though : - ) Lets see if he likes it ! Then a family with a year old Westie ( Bailey ) and a Mini Schnauzer ( Harley ) that is two weeks older than Rodders and about a third bigger ! Apparently he was the biggest puppy in the litter , he is huge compared to Rodders and already taller than the Westie . We talked for a while about our grooming experience as she thought Rodders looked beautiful and wanted to take pictures to show her groomer how she would like Harley to look ! She takes them both to a groomer in Bushey apparently . The Westie looked OK , but not a patch on Finnan , so I wonder what she will do to a Schnauzer ! The good news here was that Rodders was happy for them and their children to fuss him and did not back off or try to hide behind me . Then it was back in the car and home via the hole in the wall for some cash . He is very good in the car but he doesn 't like me getting out and back in . Think I am going to have to remember this and go to the crate and talk to him before I get in and drive off - he is probably angling for another treat ! Rodders wasn 't sure what to make of the wind as it was lifting the cover off the patio table . A couple of times he asked to go out and , once the door was open , just stood there looking . It was flipping freezing and a battle to keep the door held open while he made his mind up . I was in the kitchen for a while sorting out a casserole for the slow cooker . He came through to collect a carrot top which got taken to the rolled up carpet and last about 5 minutes ! He happily trotted back through for another . When I came downstairs he stayed on the landing . I just carried on and left him there and went to make a cuppa . After a few minutes I called him and he came to find me wagging his tail . I came down and let him in to the garden and he had a piddle and came straight back in for a snuggle before asking to go back out for a poo . He also started to bark at Bob next door who was off fishing so I went out to say hello and quieten Rodders down . It was spitting with rain so I told Bob he was brave to be going out in this and to make sure he was anchored down . Just now , when he was told he wasn 't coming up he tried to eat the power cable to the laptop ! He got a loud no and it got moved out of reach fairly quickly . He has now gone off to sleep with his head on my feet . Rodders hasn 't been too active today , he did some running about for a couple of hours this morning and then almost three hours this afternoon and evening but he has now collapsed in a heap at my feet on snuggle fleece . So is five hours activity in a day enough ? Will he have me up at the crack of dawn tomorrow ? That said , when he has been active he has been very active ( and very vocal today ) . He has run about the rugby field and the garden , played with the stones on the patio , chased toys up and down the house , run up and down stairs several times and jumped up me many times . He has barked , woofed and squeaked all day . Sometimes I know what he is saying , other times I haven 't a clue . I let myself out to go and move them and he came running towards me barking as I crossed the patio . I am not sure who was more surprised as I tripped over on the stones that he has left lying about , luckily I didn 't actually fall . Note to self , look where you are going . Rodders ate half his breakfast and he slept through lunchtime . About 4pm he went and sat in the kitchen , close to where his food is , and barked and barked . When I walked in there to see what the matter was he jumped up me when I asked if he was a hungry puppy . The leaves are starting to come off the tree in the garden , hardly surprising in this wind . It is a small tree , just over 6 feet tall , and the branches reach all the way down to the ground . In the spring it has little bottle brush type things on it . No idea what it is but it makes it difficult for me to see what Rodders is up to on the back patio but it is now becoming easier . He has come back in and is a bit over excited , jumping up and trying to bite so the lead has had to go on . He has gone back to the rawhide bone and is throwing it around the laminate floor . He does seem to like things that make a noise as he is also playing with a yoghurt pot . He walked ( almost ) to heel to the Nicky Line and then I let him have a little more freedom to sniff about . We walked up towards the rugby field but he kept sitting as leaves got caught in his legs and he didn 't seem to like it much . I did stop and make him sit as a jogger came past and when he was pulling a bit too much we stopped and practiced sit and down . Once we got to the rugby field I swapped leads and he was happy to run about with much more freedom . He is still testing to see what he can and can 't do on the extendable lead which is quite funny . He will sit and wait for me to walk away without being asked and then come running up and past me and then sit again until I overtake him , the game then starts again . He soon got bored of that and was off sniffing about . He did bark as he saw people through the trees on the Nicky Line and he did want to go and play with a Jack Russell he spotted but he came back to me when called . We walked all the way around the rugby field and Rodders was very interested in a young lad sat by the trees on the far side . He went to investigate ( roofers ran most of it ) but when the lad got up he did he usual and ran back behind me . I am very glad I though to tie my hair up as it is very blowy out there , cold too . My ears are freezing ! May have to resort to a hat before too much longer . Once I hung up it was time to go upstairs to get washed and dressed and I filled the Kong with what was left of his breakfast kibble . Rodders was not interested and wandered off to the bedroom to get OH 's slipper which he started to carry down the stairs . When that one was half way down he went back for the other one ! Cheeky monkey , looks like OH may need new slippers for Christmas ! Once I went in to the bedroom he followed me in and walked off with one of my slippers . He was happy playing and he doesn 't actually seem to be chewing them ( too much ) but he does like to carry them about . He does love to help you put on socks but the rest of the time he now seems happy to let me get dressed in peace , this is a huge improvement from trying to chew everything as you valiantly tried to out it on while he was trying to tug it off . Every morning as I throw back the curtains Rodders comes running . I lift him up so that he can see out of the window and say good morning to Pentland ! Just a silly part of our morning routine ! I retrieved the slippers from the stair and threw them back in the bedroom shutting the door behind me . I came down stairs and expected Rodders to follow me . He stayed at the top of the stair for a while but eventually followed me down . He talks much more now , little squeaks , huffs and woofs . Sometimes I know what he is trying to say and sometimes I don 't . He does always like to have the last word so if you say no to him he now comes away but has a bit of a huff . Or he will stand at the lounge door and bark , this usually means he wants to go upstairs to check if OH is there . He has a different bark for going out and coming in the door to the garden to that of there is someone about that you need to know about . More lessons in dog speak required ! At 7am this morning there was one bark and I lay in bed listening to see if there would be any more . Nothing until 10 minutes later when I walked across to the bathroom when the puppy squeaking started . I came down and let him out the crate , he rolled over for a tummy rub before dashing to the door to go out in to the garden for a piddle . He came back in and found his chew from last night and started playing , then the yoghurt pots came in to play and were being thrown around and chewed . Rodders was having a great time . All of a sudden he changed from playing to sniffing and ran to the back door to ask to go out for a poo and a sniff around the garden . Once back in he was happy playing but came to me for a quick snuggle and then went to bark at the door , I think he wants to go and check if OH is upstairs ! Another play , and less than an hour after he got up he was ready for a snooze . He came up on the sofa with me for a while and then he and snuggle fleece got moved to the floor at my feet . He went and found half a chew that he left from earlier and had a play with his yoghurt pot for a while and then asked to go in the garden for a piddle . Back in for another play and then he asked to go out again for a poo . While he was out I put the chew in the yoghurt pot , it didn 't take him long to get it back out of there . Once OH had finished wiring up the lights and cleared everything away he started to clear out the dreaded under stair cupboard . This has needed doing for a long time and he is good at making this particular hoarder agree to throw things away . I now have to do a trip to the tip this weekend . While we were doing this Rodders stayed as close as he could and , at one point , curled up for a nap in the smallest space you can imagine . When it was time for OH to go home he needed some help to get everything back in the car . I slipped Rodders lead on and helped to carry his bags out . Once we said goodbye and shut the gate I let Rodders off for a run around in his new , illuminated , garden . Once Rodders woke up he went to play in the conservatory and then asked to go out in to the garden . He had a piddle and then was happy sniffing about , playing with the stones at the end of the patio . It is amazing how determined he is to dig to the bottom and I went out and kicked the stones back in a couple of times much to his disgust . He also barked at Pat next door as she took in her washing so I went out to say hello . She says that he ignored her when she was out earlier as he was too busy chewing a twig . Once out of the car he was happy sniffing around until Tarka the Lab joined us . They had a good sniff at each other before Tinker the Spaniel arrived . The class before us were not very sociable and put their dogs in the cars and disappeared fairly quickly . Sam called us all in to the hall , asking us to get our puppies to sit and wait at the door , and then get them in to down with us standing over them . Rodders was much better at both of these today . We then did heel and sit around the hall and then playing with tuggies and leave . We didn 't do so well with this as Tarka had a squeaky toy which was a bit distracting but Rodders did leave when asked . We moved on to the field and did sit , wait , come and treats . For the first time I actually let go of the lead and walked about two lead lengths away . The first time Rodders came just before I called him , the second time he was much better . And then on to the agility course . Rodders did the A Frame twice and then went over the low jumps . He hated this last week but was better than me this time , I knocked the first two down ! Then it was time for the tunnel , Rodders loves this as does Tarka . Poor Tinker hates it and her owner was almost in the tunnel trying to encourage her . In the end they got her to go in and out the same end a few times to get her used to it rather than through it . OH is busy putting an outside light up for Rodders so that he can see ( and be seen ) in the garden in the dark . It is one of those clever ones that comes on by itself if something moves within a certain area . This also involves rewiring the passage lights as we needed to move the switch . OH needed more bits from the DIY store and so I was despatched to get them . I put Rodders in his bed with some treats but did not shut the crate . I was gone for about half an hour , the radio was on and OH was pottering about in the passage but Rodders didn 't seem to realise until 5 minutes before I got back that he could get out by himself . He was very happy to be able to greet me at the lounge door though . He eventually let OH go upstairs to get changed but he had to go too . The next thing I know is Rodders is trying to come down the stairs with OH 's slipper in his mouth . Me ? I had my heart in my mouth as he could so easily have tripped . Having got the first one he then went back for the second one ! OH came back downstairs and retrieved his slippers and went and sat in the papsan chair in the conservatory . You should have seen Rodders move , he ran from the lounge and launched himself at OH . Apparently this is where they snuggle up together in the mornings . Rodders got lifted up and was happy to snuggle on OH 's chest , gradually getting further up so that he could nibble his neck , beard and ears . I pottered about sorting out dinner while they carried on playing . OH moved to the floor with his head on the rolled up carpet . Rodders thinks this is a great game as he can jump all over OH 's head , messing with his hair and has better access to his ears . After that I left them to it and went for a shower . Once I was back downstairs Rodders didn 't settle , he didn 't know if he wanted to be with me or OH but he didn 't want to be on the floor on snuggle fleece . I am wondering if he is finding the laminate floor too cold , even with snuggle fleece , as he would rather be up with one of us for the last few days . OH & I talked about it and we may go and see if we can find him a bean bag or something tomorrow . As the 10pm news came on we moved to the conservatory for more snuggling and playing . OH has got Rodders to understand when to stop playing , if things are getting too rough or over excited , and gets Rodders to sit . They also play tug with the toy in each of their mouths - not sure this is something I will be doing ! At bedtime I took Rodders out in to the garden but he just came straight back in without doing anything . He always does if he has been out in the last hour or two . He didn 't go straight in to his bed as usual but sat in the kitchen doorway . I locked up , switched off lights and got treats ready and OH lifted him in to his bed . I gave him his treats and locked the crate and we went upstairs to bed . He has also played with his toys and was running up and down the full length of the house while I was trying to do some figure work for OH . Rodders then decided it was time for a snooze and went and stood with his front legs on the sofa barking at me . I took the hint and came and sat down on the sofa . Once he was asleep I transferred him and snuggle fleece to the floor where he is now . I needed to slip out to collect things from the dressmaker and get the bits I forgot yesterday from Tesco . Rodders was busy playing in the conservatory so I called him over and made him sit . Once I had his attention I told him that I needed to go out and he had to stay here and go in his bed with some puppy treats . He made a squeaky noise and then went and sat on the rolled up carpet while I put on my boots and coat and sorted out his treats . When I came back an hour and a half later he didn 't make a sound as I came in the front door but I could see him sitting up and looking in my direction as I came in the lounge . He let me put the shopping down before letting him out the crate and he wanted to come straight up for a snuggle . He makes really sweet squeaky noises that seem to say I thought you were never coming back but I am very glad to see you . It really did take a while for Rodders to wake up this morning . Even when we went upstairs for me to get washed and dressed he wasn 't interested in his Kong for ages and wanted to curl up on the bath mat . Eventually he ate the easy stiff , the kibble that had fallen out of the Kong . This is what was left from his supper last night and the first thing he has eaten , apart from treats , sine 6pm last night . We came downstairs and he had a quick play in the conservatory before asking to go out in the garden for a poo . Once he was back in we got ready to go for a walk . As soon as my coat went on he started jumping up and getting excited but did contain himself so that I could get my wellies on without him knocking them over . Once outside he spotted Adam and started to bark , he seemed quite keen to get to him but once we got close he hid behind me until he felt a bit braver and came out for a sniff . He so wants to greet people and he is getting braver , but there is a little bit of him that wants to hide still . No doubt he will get there . We got to the Nicky Line and turned right towards the rugby field . Rodders walked to heel a lot of the time , stopping to sniff but coming when called , even when he could hear lorries and air brakes . This is huge progress ! I spoke to Nicci at Puppy Party last night and explained that I wasn 't happy to let him off lead yet . A ) Because I am not sure of his recall and B ) If he didn 't come back he isn 't micro chipped yet . But he is desperate for some freedom and wants to run about . We talked about using the extendable lead and she talked about the pro 's and cons and suggested that he is walked to a park or field on a normal lead and we then swap to let him have some freedom . We can also practice recall that way . So today was his first time on the rugby field with his extendable lead and he loved it . To start with he didn 't realise that he could get further away from me than normal and it was a bit of a shock when he realised I wasn 't beside him . For a little while he would just stop behind me and wait to see how far I would go . I would then call him and he came running for a fuss and he would then try it again . Sometimes he wouldn 't come straight away to see what I would do , he didn 't take his eyes off me . Once he got the hang of it he was happy to run about sniffing things and then running to catch up and get past me . As we came down the third side of the field he spotted a man on a bike on the path and started to run towards him barking . I locked the lead and called him , as he turned and came back towards me I let the lead recoil and we carried on down the field and did the fourth side before swapping back to his normal lead and heading for home . As I made a cuppa he came back in and went straight to the rolled up carpet in the lounge . As soon as I sat down he asked to come up . It took a while but he and snuggle fleece are on the floor but that is another hours sleep he has needed . There were four puppy 's including Rodders , seven owners and three staff . The staff introduced themselves and then it was our turn . Appa the Westies owner went first , then Molly the staff , then Rodders and finally Marley the Staffie / Husky cross . Nicci , the head nurse , asked if we were having any problems and we all mentioned any concerns . Biting and chewing seemed to be the main problems initially but as we all talked other issues came out such a car sickness , separation anxiety , training , crate training and toilet training . Nicci was brilliant at explaining why dogs do what they do and how we should react . Not sure I want to do what she suggested when he is chewing my carpets - apparently I should ignore it ! Praise positive behaviour and ignore the bad is all very well most of the time but damaging something he shouldn 't or chewing something dangerous like a cable cannot be ignored . Maybe I should just clarify that next week . Nicci asked if we were happy to let our puppy 's off the lead to see if they would play together . I didn 't have a problem , I have been longing for Rodders to have someone to play with ! He wasn 't bothered about walking away from me , especially as Nicci was throwing toys around and he spotted a Kong - shame it didn 't have kibble in it ! Once the puppy 's started playing together Rodders was straight in there and was holding his own until Molly and Marley got a bit rough and he was in the middle . Nicci got him out of there very quickly and kept him with her . She was making sure that I knew how to deal with it and that I didn 't praise him until he settled back down . Seeing how boisterous Molly and Marley were she suggested that we keep Rodders and Appa out of it and then let them play together later . Molly and Marley were really playing roughly and throwing each other over but you could see it was play and not aggression . They were quite loud though ! Once they sorted each other out they started to play better together and Rodders was desperate to go back down but I kept him on my knee . Once Molly and Marley had been given their turn we put Rodders and Appa down on the floor . Appa was so funny , he was happy trotting around the edges of the room behind the chairs and only ventured in to the middle after he had been down for a while . He did go and climb up on one of the nurses knee though ! Rodders was happy following him about and then he went to play tug with Nicci while she explained how important it is to let them use their teeth in this way but that they should never win the game . We were there for an hour and a half and Rodders was quite happy to come away . Back home he had a piddle on the front lawn and followed me upstairs when I used the bathroom . He sat at the top of the stair making squeaky noises until he realised the bedroom door was open and rushed in there . I called him and he came back with OH 's slipper in his mouth looking very pleased with himself ! I took it off him and shut the bedroom door . For the first time today he followed me back down the stair . Skevi , our lady that does , turned up about 4 . 30pm and Rodders was already awake and was letting me comb him through . He barked as she came in the front door but went running to the back door , wonder if he thought it was OH coming home . He let me carry on and finish combing him but he wasn 't happy about the slicker so I did two legs and stopped . Rodders quite enjoys following Skevi around as she cleans , she is used to a toddler and just treats him the same , talking to him and explaining what she is doing . He does like to chase the mop and swiffer so she shut him out of the kitchen while she mopped and while the floor dried , he just sat at the baby gate and barked anyway . But it was a please let me play bark , totally non aggressive ! It took 3 attempts to get him to sit and wait at the door but we got there and could get on our way . We headed to the Nicky Line and then headed right to run parallel with the Rugby field . We walked right to the top and then on to the field itself . Rodders was very happy and so we walked two sides of it before coming back via the road . He sat down twice and lay down once on the Nicky Line but walked all the time in the field . I have been trying to get him to walk to heel on the roads but giving him a little more freedom on paths and fields . Coming back today he was getting spooked by the traffic and I had to keep stopping him and making him sit as he was almost strangling himself trying to run ahead . He did eventually get the hang of it and I only needed to do gentle checks . He did sit and wait as we crossed the roads so we are getting somewhere . Once home we had the same problem getting him to sit and wait at the door , 3 attempts . He then came in and ran around like a nutter for 5 minutes , behind chairs over carpets and back . He then collapsed at my feet on snuggle blanket and has been there for almost two hours . I put the shopping down in the kitchen and let him out the crate . He always makes a lot of squeaky noises as if to say how dare you leave me and wants to come up for a fuss . He has no interest in going in to the garden until he has calmed down . I filled his Kong with the remains of his breakfast and took that upstairs with me . He finished that in record time and was then up to mischief while I was trying to get dressed . At one point he ran off with OH 's slipper which is a first when I have been with him . I put the washing in the machine and then we went in to the garden for a game of chase . Once back inside Rodders was still running around and I was hoping he would tire himself out as I needed to go to the dressmaker and Tesco . Sure enough , he wanted up for a snuggle . As I was snuggling him I explained that I had to go out and he needed to stay here , he started to make squeaky noises in protest . Once I had my coat on I put him in his bed , gave him his treats , shut the crate and walked away . He was quiet at this point but then I found that my handbag wasn 't on the bottom of the stair so I had to come back in and he started barking . I could hear him crying by the time I got to the car . He settled down to sleep on my knee fairly quickly and he and snuggle fleece got transferred to the floor . I wasn 't ready to get up either and I fell asleep on the sofa . I was woken by Rodders asking to come up and the pair of us slept for an hour snuggled up . He has been playing quite a lot but got a bit bitey so I had to out his lead on . It would appear that is because he is tired as about an hour after getting up he came up on the sofa with me and promptly fell asleep . He and snuggle fleece have been moved to the floor . Rodders asked to go in to the garden but he seemed to have been gone for ages so I went to the patio and called him . He came trotting out from behind the tree looking very pleased with himself . As he came in the door I spotted that he had something in his mouth . It was the plastic strapping from around the planks of wood up by the back fence . Today has been a weepy day for me , which is a bit unusual . First the TV Programme and then an email from my sister to let me know that she now has broadband and a telephone . Why on earth would this make me cry ? So what is a girl to do at a moment like that , she gets her OH on FaceTime ! Once he had calmed me down he had a chat with Rodders who , at the time , was chewing snuggle fleece . He told him no and Rodders stopped chewing and came to look at the phone . He could see it was OH and he kept walking behind the phone to try and find him ! He then got bored and walked off so OH and I carried on talking . When OH hung up Rodders started crying so I called him back . Rodders was going mad , trying to eat the phone ! He lay on a snuggle fleece in my arms for almost an hour and was disturbed by me getting up to grab a tissue . A typical man , my tears at something lovely on the TV were treated with scorn ! All he wanted to do was chew the tissue ( I know typical men don 't do this bit ! ) . Once I had stopped snivelling and the programme finished Rodders got the fidgets so he was happy to come upstairs with me while I used the bathroom . He wasn 't quite so happy abut coming downstairs on his own . I came down first but he wasn 't showing any signs of following me so after switching on lights and shutting out the grim day I went halfway up the stairs to entice him down . He barked at almost every step and tried to pretend that he doesn 't know how to do it but he made it all the way downstairs by himself . Once Rodders came in from the garden he was being a little horror , chewing the rolled up carpet and then trying to bite me when I said a firm no . I put the lead on him to make it easier to check him and he carried on trying to bite my arms or legs . So he kept getting checked . I decided it was time for a walk to try and calm him down . He was very excited when I put on my coat and wellies and it was difficult to get him to sit and wait at the door but we managed it . We followed yesterdays route to the Nicky Line and back under the bridge . He walked better to heel getting there and I managed to keep him walking past another dog without him barking or wanting to stop and play but once we had got part way down the Nicky Line he was being a little odd and kept giving the odd whimper . He has not done this before and I stopped to check he was OK and had nothing obvious stuck to him . We didn 't seem to be making much progress forward so I turned around and started to head back the way we had come but went under the bridge and followed the path to the Rugby Field . He stopped whimpering and was walking quite nicely . Once we got to the field he wanted to run and I wished that I had the extendable lead with me . It seems a bit mean that he can 't have much freedom yet . We walked towards the main road but turned left before it and headed home past Kev & Jane 's . Today as we reached roads we needed to cross I made Rodders stop , sit and wait each time and this was really successful . He was also walking to heel a lot of the time but had his nose down a lot too . Once inside he went for a quick play before having a mad 5 minutes where he was running the full length of the house , round chairs and over the rolled up carpets . He then asked to go out for another run about the garden . By the time he came back in he was exhausted and flopped on to a snuggle fleece . Again I explained that I had to go out and he needed to stay here . He sat and watched me put on my boots and coat and sort out his treats but there was no way he was walking in to the crate of his own volition . At least he isn 't trying to run away and I don 't have to chase him . I was out for almost two hours and as the front door opened he started to bark and didn 't let up even when I spoke to him . I put the shopping down in the kitchen before letting him out , he did at least stop barking . He was very happy to see me and wanted a great big fuss . OH brought a yoghurt pot home with him last night and he had a new one for breakfast so Rodders now has two on the go . He has been running about with one in his mouth batting the other with his feet . He was loving it , going round the chairs and over the rolled up carpet . And then he started barking behind one of the chairs and I got up to see what the matter was . The yoghurt pot being batted with his feet had got stuck . I moved the chair to give him better access but he carried on barking . I leant down to see what the matter was and the lip was stuck form under the skirting board and he still couldn 't get it . I reached down and got it for him and the game continued . Rodders came back in and , because I had left the lounge door open , it wasn 't long before he took himself upstairs . I grabbed his Kong and filled it with the rest of his kibble , OH had given him his breakfast but he hadn 't eaten much , and followed him upstairs . He was very happy to chase his Kong around the bathroom floor and emptied it in record time so he must have been hungry . I washed and cleaned my teeth and then watched him playing . He brought himself back in but didn 't go straight in to his bed , there were too many distractions as OH was in the kitchen getting a drink , but as I was walking around locking up and switching up lights he found his way . I gave him his treats and closed the crate for the night and OH made our way upstairs . There was the odd little whimper but he settled down for the night . OH 's alarm went off at some ungodly hour and Rodders didn 't make a sound until OH got out of bed , when he started to bark . OH came down and let him out of his crate but he thinks that Rodders wasn 't really ready to get up . He did play a little and he went in to the garden but he was more interested in having a snuggle . It was a very strange experience for me . Having never been a parent I have never had to leave a baby or child at home for the first time . This all sounds weird and jumbled up in my head as I have left him alone during the day for short periods and with my niece but it felt different to leave him at night . We were home just after 9pm so we had been out for a couple of hours . There was silence as we walked from the car and as we walked in the door . Rodders was looking in our direction as we came in the lounge and was very happy to see us . He came out of his crate for a fuss and then I went to make a cuppa and OH went up to get changed . When I turned around Rodders had taken himself back to bed . OH came back downstairs and we sat on the sofa 's . Rodders was watching and listening and then decided that maybe bed wasn 't the best place to be . He came out and went straight to OH for a snuggle . He was happy to know that I was there and he kept looking over at me , but he was a very happy puppy to be snuggling with OH . I told him that we needed to go out and he had to stay here and go in his bed and I would get him puppy treats . OH tried to encourage him in to his bed but ended up lifting him in . I gave him his treats and locked the crate and we walked out the room , out the front door and away . Once OH was changed it was time to come downstairs . Amazingly Rodders came down all by himself , in front of OH ! Looks like the little monkey has been having me on . As OH came through the door Rodders was desperate to get up for a snuggle and could hardly wait for OH to put down his bags . He was jumping up his leg and making puppy noises of delight . Once OH picked him up he was thrilled and snuggled in to his neck , licking his beard , face , ears , anything he could reach . It is so lovely to see . Me ? Oh I come second nowadays and have to wait for them to say hello and for Rodders to calm down a little before I get a kiss or hug hello ! Do I mind ? Not really ! I am just so happy that they love each other so much : - ) I managed to get him to play with me in the conservatory for a while . He then spotted another puppy staring at him through the glass of the conservatory , he didn 't seem to understand that it was a reflection of himself . He looked away and then at the reflection again and the puppy was still watching him . He went towards the door until he was nose to nose with it and then asked to go out to see it . He tumbled out the door so fast the he fell off the step ! He couldn 't work out where the puppy had gone but had a sniff about before coming back in . While I was talking to OH on the phone Rodders piddled on the floor in the lounge and got put straight out in the garden while I cleaned up and sprayed with stain and odour removal . He really wasn 't happy and barked and barked to come back in . I ignored him until he quietened down . When he was allowed back in he rushed straight to the spot to make sure I had cleaned up properly , cheeky mutt ! We went upstairs so I could use the bathroom and I tried to get Rodders to come back downstairs by himself . We spent ten minutes with him prancing about at the top of the stairs , he would come down a step and then go back up and bark or cry . I eventually gave up and carried him down . As OH arrived at the back gate we were back playing tug in the conservatory . He stopped tugging when he heard something and stood still for a second , then carried on until he heard another sound . Was that something outside ? He was happy running about the garden and found his strawberry for another chew before spotting Bob and Pat going out . They deserved a bark of course ! Bob and Pat are brilliant , if Rodders is in the garden they always stop to speak to him , even when all he does is bark in return . I went out to see what he was barking at all called him to me . As soon as he is by my side he stops barking so that we can pass the time of day and I pick him up to go and get a fuss over the fence . I was doing quite a good job at explaining my work experience but had to ask them to hold on a moment while I stopped him chewing the cover on the seat outside and brought him in . Luckily she has 10 week old kittens and knew that they could go from being good to destructive in a second ! I managed to carry on talking to them while he was trying to bite me and so I also had to slip his lead on and check him a couple of times . At one point , I was carrying him about as I talked . We walked out the house to the right and towards the mini roundabout before going left to the bridge and down the steps top the Nicky Line . We turned left and came back under the bridge . Rodders is walking so much better and most of the time is happy trotting along beside me . He will stop and sniff at things but usually moves on when asked . We met a lady coming towards us with three dogs and we stopped for a chat . Rodders is the first Mini Schnauzer puppy she has seen and she thought he was gorgeous . She was also pleased to see that I didn 't even try to pick him up when her dogs came towards him . I told her that I thought he needed to get used to them and as long as he doesn 't seem upset by them I would never pick him up . She gave him a fuss before we turned around and headed back the way we had come . I have wanted a dog for as long as I can remember . Dad was in the RAF & first it was when he retired , then when we could afford to fence in the garden which was never . Then I left home and seemed to find jobs that had long hours & long commutes . 30 years later I was made redundant and thought this was the right time for me to get a puppy , This is the journey of the mini schnauzer puppy and I |
The girls ' shoes squeaked on the polished locker room floor . Their breaths were short and quick , and their pulses raced . ' Alright girls , ' Katie said , as she felt arms come around her shoulders in the huddle , ' this is the game we 've been waiting for , ' she waited a moment and drew in a deep breath before continuing , ' the game that determines who has the better team , the better coach , the better players , this is our game . Our time . ' They were playing their arch rivals , the Hill Top Raiders . The girls yelled , their feet brutally stomping the locker room floor . ' Whose house is this ? ! ' Katie yelled . She smiled as she waited for the practiced reply . ' Our house ! ' The girls screamed . And at that moment , they transformed . They were no longer just a team ; they were the Schwenksville Warriors . The gym was packed . Rowdy teens and nervous parents lined the bleachers ; neither one seemed susceptible to blinking . When the final warm up buzzer came alive both teams threw their balls on the rack and trotted to their coaches . ' Remember what I said , ' Coach Strait growled at Katie , as she went to take her spot for the jump ball . ' No playing dirty . Clean blocks , quick steals , and no elbows . ' He took her by the shoulder and spun her around to look at him . He felt the intensity of her sharp blue eyes drilling into him but spoke anyway . ' Do you hear me ? ' Katie nodded but Coach felt like she wasn 't listening . And the truth was , she wasn 't . Katie Fillips was in another world , and nothing could bring her out of it . At jump the Hill Top Raiders got the ball . As Katie looked over to see where her girl was , she saw Coach mouthing something to her . She smiled when she realized what it was . Clean blocks . Katie said to herself . I 'll do my best , Coach . Within the first minute Raquel Richmond , a short brunette guard from the Warriors stole the ball and half way down the court , passed to Katie . It should have been an easy basket , but what happened next would be engraved in both the crowds and players minds forever . Katie snatched up the clean pass , no problemClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Who 's Famous ' I 'm a lot better than you Carrie and I can sing . What can you do ? Oh I know , nothing , because you are dumb ! ' Bethany screamed in Carrie 's face . ' No ! ' Carrie said , calmly , but to get Bethany 's attention , ' I can actually show cows and sing . ' ' But who would want to be near those big ugly things . And you can not sing at all . I 'm the best in this school and you know it you little baby ! ! ' Just before Carrie is going to say something back to Bethany , the school bell rings to go to their next class . ' Whatever , ' said Carrie , stomping as she walked away . And they both waked to their classes . Carrie and Bethany did not like each other at all . Bethany would always brag in Carrie 's face about she was going to be famous , and Carrie was going to milk cows the rest of her life and mount to nothing . It made Carrie really , really mad but all she would say was that she could become famous by showing cows and then she could sing if she wanted to . ' Ok class , today we are going to going to have a free read day ! Does everyone have a book ? ' ' I don 't , ' Carrie said , with lots of anger , slamming her glasses down . ' Now , go get it ! ' She said , as she looked down at her glasses , and screamed . ' Now look what you did . Carrie you made me break my glasses , you little brat ! ! ' The whole period Carrie could not stop thinking about how mean Bethany was . ' Why does Bethany have to be so mean to me ? I mean , that she just thinks that all I do is milk cows and I cannot sing , well maybe she does not know what she is talking about . Maybe someday , she will be living in a regular sized house and making minimum wage . All she ever does is make fun of me and tells me I will never amount to anything . And she thinks she is all that , and all the teachers love her and all her popular friends . Most of the teachers hate me anyway and all they ever do is yell at me and tell me that I can 't do anything ! Bethany is always in my face and she is so annoying . ' Now , the teacher could tell that she was not reading , and she told her to read or she would get a detention . ' Carrie , read oClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Unbelievable ' How did I get here ? This isn 't me . I 'll admit it , I am spoiled but not in the way that you may think . I spend most of my time and money trying to make the world a better place . It might have been something deserving , but some people aren 't ready for some things . I definitely wasn 't ready . ' ' Here , you deserve this for all that you 've done , we are so proud of you Kelly ! ' Her mom said , with joy . ' Thanks , but you really don 't have to do this , ' Kelly lied to be polite . ' Okay then , no wait I will accept your generosity ! ' Kelly interrupted her dad 's joke . Kelly swiped the credit card out of her mother 's hand and kissed her parents and ended with a big hug with one parent in each arm . She couldn 't wait to use the credit card on something useful , like to go shopping and get some stuff for the kids down the block who are poor . She knew that those kids needed her three years ago . Now Kelly has been spoiling those kids like no other . People didn 't understand Kelly . She was sweet , kind , and cared for others . Even those who cared for her didn 't understand the reason for her positive influence on the world . She dressed like the selfish , rich people that laughed at the needy . Kelly was different . She was someone that was so rare . Kelly was someone that wouldn 't tear others down to build herself up . She was one in a million . It was the first time in five years where she would have a day to herself and buy something to reward her . It was a shirt that had ' Save the World ' written all over the front with a graphic of the earth on it . It was twenty - five dollars . ' Well , I love this shirt and it 's so me , I have twenty dollars and I could use the credit card . What is five dollars going to hurt ? ' Kelly whispered , to herself . Kelly knew , that the credit card was for emergencies only , but , that didn 't stop her . She took out the credit card and had a bad feeling on her fingertips , once she handed the card to the cashier . The cashier slid the card down the credit card machine . Something hit Kelly and it wasn 't an object . It was an emotion , not a gClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing China Town Brad and Travis are 25 , live in a two bedroom apartment , have no college education and no job . They live in Chesapeake , Virginia and have been best friends since 1st grade . Travis and Brad also have another person that lives in their closet . That would be Dinggo . You see , Brad thinks that Dinggo is an old friend of Travis ' and the same thing with Travis . But one day when Travis and Brad were watching TV , they got extremely hot . So Brad went into the kitchen to get some ice to put in their bubbling sodas . But when he got there , he saw something so unbelievable that he screamed his lungs out . Dinggo and Travis ran in to the kitchen to see Brad huddled in a tiny ball quivering as if he had just witnessed a murder . Quickly he got down on one knee and asked cautiously , ' What happened ? Are you ok ? ' Travis noticed a stutter in his answer . ' It , it , it 's gone , all g . . . g . . . . gone , ' said Brad . ' What are you talking about ? ' replied Travis ? ' Th , th , the ice . ' ' Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo , ' screamed Dinggo ! Travis ran in to the TV room and started to pace around in a circle . ' Are you sure there 's no ice in the freezer ? ' he asked . Then Brad replied , ' Yeah . I didn 't see anything except a couple of bags of hot pockets and hot dogs . ' While pacing around the room , Travis noticed that Brad had gotten up off the floor and was heading for the pickup truck . ' Well , then I guess we have no choice but to go and find some , ' said Brad . Then Travis asked , ' What about Dinggo ? ' ' Just leave him there , he 'll never know we left , ' answered Brad . So Travis locked the door to the house and took off running to get in the car . While Travis and Brad were traveling along the highway looking for gas stations and other places that sold ice , they were having an argument about places selling ice and how hot it was . ' We 're never going to find any ice out here when it 's this hot ! ' yelled Travis . ' There 's got to be a place out here somewhere , ' said Brad . All of a sudden they came across an employee of a local gas station carrying bags of ice into aClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Demons , Demons Everywhere ' Why is this happening to me , what did I do to deserve this ? ' Rose said , to a Guardian Angel . As Rose lay there , scratched and harmed from the demons , her guardian angel stood there looking at her . It was October 29 , 1990 when Rose was trying to get into Law school . It was a beautiful morning , there were no clouds in the sky . Rose went out to get the mail . She went out skipping . Her hair was blowing in the summer wind and she had on her favorite skirt and shirt . She lived in the country and her family had a big farm full of livestock . They had been very wealthy , nice and happy people . She skipped all the way to the end of her lane . When she got to her mailbox she pulled out some letters and junk mail and also the two jolly ranchers the mail lady gave them each day . She went through them to see if she had got anything from the colleges she had been applying for . She didn 't . So she started back into the lane this time walking with her head down . When she got into her beautiful house she laid down on her sofa . Her mom came into the room with a child on her hip . Rose took the child from her and started playing with her . ' Hello , my precious baby . ' Rose asked , ' Can you say ' Hi mommy ' ? ' But she couldn 't , she was too young . Rose loved her little girl so much but she felt bad for her . She was two months old and never saw her father in her life . When Rose told him that she was with child , he bailed and didn 't tell her where he was going . Then Rose looked around and said , ' I haven 't been out to eat in a long time , lets go to McDonalds . ' Then she took Sydney up to get her changed into something nice . ' Alright , Sydney which shirt would you like to wear ? Your McDonalds one , or this one ? ' Sydney pointed to the one with big green letters on a pink background . She changed her diaper and put on her shirt and blue denim pants . When they got to the door she put on her shoes , grabbed her purse and held her daughter and walked out to get into the car with her mother . When they got to Mickey D 's they went inside and got a table and a heightThe air was cool , moist , and sweet against her tear drenched cheeks . She held her hands up to block what little sunshine was left and gazed out at the liquid sheet of sea . How greatly her heart ached for the ocean right now . The way the waves rolled up , curved under , and came crashing down all in one swift motion . Why couldn 't she be part of that ? So simple . So calming . So careless . So . . . . ' Karrissa ! ' Karrissa jumped at the sudden disturbance and turned away from the only thing that mattered to her . And what she faced to see only made matters worse . Matt , her love , was running towards her , eyes full of shock , face covered in worry and confusion . The tendons in his neck strained out and shown violently through his skin with each step he took . He stumbled his way to her , and came to a sudden stop that caused sand to fly up and create a shimmering gold blanket of privacy that swirled and twirled around them for a second or two before falling back to the beach floor . He propped his forearms upon his knees to rest and to catch his breath . Karrissa watched him for a moment before turning back to the sea . The sun was almost completely dipped beneath the earth turning the sky a splattered appearance of deep purples and navy blues , mango oranges , and flamingo pinks . She drank in the sight of it , and felt her adrenaline lower to a normal heartbeat . She closed her eyes . Thankful , that the unwanted sensation was long gone , but felt a sudden sickness in her stomach remembering what Doctor Richards had told her a few months back . ' They will always come and go , Karrissa . There is nothing you can do to stop them . However , how you handle them when they do appear determines how bad they hit and what damage they cause . ' She took yet another deep breath and let it out . Her chest felt pounds lighter and she welcomed the glory of taking a deep breath without the pain in her breasts . But she knew why these things happened to her . It was those around her who didn 't realize the truth . ' Karrissa , are you ok ? ' Matt ran the question into one Click here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Sacred Ocean The thought of being taken away by the ocean is a scary thought , but when it happens to you , you don 't know how to feel . Megan loved the feeling of being taken away , from her life : her troubles all left behind . Megan was seventeen at the time . She would wonder sometimes while she was being tumbled by the harsh waves if she would ever be rescued , hardly caring . Her parents had died in a boat wreck eight months before and she had a hard time adjusting . Though she had her younger sister and boyfriend , she still felt lonely . Lucky for her , Megan 's boyfriend Blake had just turned eighteen and was able to adopt her sister so they were not separated . Although she was still just seventeen she was able to convince the social worker her birthday was the next day . ' MEGAN ! ' Anna shouted , ' It 's time to get up ! ' Megan covered herself with her blankets , ' It 's Saturday though and I want to SLEEP ! ' she whispered . Megan heard her sister stomping up the creaky attic stairs , ' I don 't really care ! ' Anna declared , ' It 's your job ; just don 't come crying to me when you get fired ! ' ' Oh gosh , ' Megan jumped out of bed , ' I forgot I had to work today ! ' Anna slowly made Megan 's bed , ' I 'm not staying with Blake again today , ' she whispered . ' You have to , ' Megan replied , as she quickly put her work clothes on , ' you know you have to , unless you can go to a friend 's house . ' ' I 'll find somewhere to go ! ' she yelled , as she tossed the pillow across the room at her sister , ' he only talks about you , until you come home and he goes to work ! ' ' I have to go to work , ' Megan answered , she moved down the attic steps , ' I 'm going to be late if I talk any longer , ' she said , apologetically . Megan got in her boyfriend 's car and drove off into the morning fog . She made her way across the large town and entered the small marina parking lot . She walked towards the building where she worked , ' Misty Marina ' the large sign read . There , she cared for the three dolphins that were rescued from deadly situations . The three dolphins , Aqua , Zora , and Sacred , had been there for at lClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Life Of A Teenage Girl Lauren Hampton was a 15 - year old girl who lived in a small town in Oklahoma . She had long brown hair , blue eyes , and was very skinny . Lauren played softball and was very good , she was a catcher . Her best friend was Courtney . Lauren and Courtney did everything together . She was a normal teenage girl . Well , that 's what everyone thought . At the age of 3 Lauren was separated from her mother . Lauren now lives with her father who is a drunk and beats her . Lauren was scared of her father . She wouldn 't tell anyone about her father doing these things to her . She continued going to school each day with bruises all over her legs , arms , even her face . Teachers worried more and more about her each day . Lauren didn 't worry much about her father anymore ; she thought she deserved these things to be done to her . Every night Lauren would pray that someday just somebody would realize why she has the bruises and things on her . Even though Lauren hasn 't seen or heard from her mother since she was 3 she wondered about her each night , how her life would be different if she hadn 't left ? Would her dad still treat her the way he does now ? Was she the reason her mom left ? Would she ever see her mother again ? Why couldn 't she just tell somebody ? She knew she would have a better life , well she thought she would . She also knew that she didn 't want to go through life without her real dad , she knew she already lost her mom and she didn 't want to loose her dad . Lauren cried herself to sleep each night thinking about the hateful things that just wouldn 't leave her mind . One day Lauren came home from school and she knew that her father wasn 't in a good mood at all . She walked through the door and the 1st thing he yelled to her from the upstairs bedroom was , ' Lauren you better have my dinner cooked and the dishes washed before the time I wake up ! ' Lauren knew he wasn 't kidding around when he said this stuff . So she hollered back at him and said , ' I will dad . ' When truthfully she really didn 't want to have to do any of this . Lauren didn 't start dinner rClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Dark Hour It was an ordinary day at Huntingdon Area Middle School ( HAMS ) in room thirteen . A boy was struggling with his test . ' Hey Ranger , ' another boy whispered . ' What ? ' Ranger replied . ' Can you help me with my test ? ' Ranger shook his head and turned around to continue on his test . The boy gave him a look and then started talking to other people . A couple of minutes later a kid opened the door . Ranger turned around to see who was there and realized it was a person he had never seen before . The boy was around Ranger 's age and wore a gray sweater with blue shorts and a Boston Red Sox baseball cap . ' You must be the new kid , ' the teacher said . The kid stood still and was speechless . ' Class is almost over but you can just sit there for the rest of the time in this period . ' ' Okay , ' the boy replied , quietly . The boy walked to a desk right beside Ranger . Ranger just finished his test . When Ranger got up to turn it in , it was time to leave for next period class . As Ranger was walking to his locker the new kid came to ask him where the gym was located . ' It 's over there , ' Ranger said , pointing his finger to the gym . ' Oh , okay , ' replied the boy , as he headed for the gym . ' Hey new kid , I have the same class ! Wait for me and I 'll come with you . Plus you don 't want to accidentally walk into the girls ' locker room . ' The boy sighed and told him , ' Sure . ' As the two boys walked to the gym , Ranger started talking to the boy . ' My name is Ranger . ' ' Alright Ranger , what are we doing at gym today ? ' asked the boy . ' I believe that we are doing baseball . ' The boy smiled as they walked into the gym . Later on all of the 7th grade boys walked outside to the field . Ranger spoke to the coach and told him about the new kid . ' Well , ' the coach said , while he scratched his chin , ' He 'll be on your team . ' The coach picked up his whistle and blew it . Then he yells , ' Play ball ! ' Another student approached the new kid and started to yell at him . ' Come on new kid , you go first ! ' He picked up the bat , gave it to him , and told him , ' go Joe ! ' ' My name 's not Joe , it 's Devin . ' ' Alright theClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Night Quest Buzz , buzz , buzz , buzz . The laptop sounded , awakening Kiona . This was nothing new to her . I mean her job is nothing new . ' I 'm not allowed to sleep am I , Jerry ? ' Kiona walked over to her laptop and read the message her boss had sent her . ' What ? There is a kidnapper loose ? ! That is completely crazy ! I 'm not going after him ! ' Kiona typed a message back , ' That isn 't my job . ' Kiona went back to bed . Ten minutes later Jerry wrote back and the laptop buzzed . Kiona let out a short whine and went to the computer . ' Jerry , this isn 't my problem . I am only a spy . ' Jerry sent a short message that she only has to spy on him . ' Oh , when do you want me to start my mission ? ' He responds , then logs off . She looked at the message , ' Tonight ! ' Kiona slipped her tall , slender body into her black , skin like spy suit . She sleepily walked over to her closet and grabbed her bag . She swiped the laptop off her desk and threw it into the bag along with a rope , and her cell phone . She tossed the bag on her pink and yellow daybed . When Kiona was finished writing down a couple of numbers like the man 's ID , she grabbed her bag and opened her door into the burgundy rugged hall . ' Off I go , ' Kiona said , in a low , miserable voice . Kiona stepped outside her apartment building . ' Oh great , ' she whined . She traveled through the rain and mud . The city of Kalisar is completely fogged . Kiona went down an alley . She placed her foot on the dumpster ledge and as she grabbed a pipe on the roof , she pulled herself up the cafe brick wall and onto the roof . ' Now for the fun part , jumping buildings with a rope . ' She took her rope and flung it to a metal bar on a higher restaurant roof beside the cafe . She did this until she got to a high enough building to be able to see a good view . ' I guess I 'll set up my location here , ' Kiona stated , when she is on top of a theater . She set up her things and started to wait . Her boss logged on . She typed in wondering if Ron was coming . Ron is her usual companion . ' No ? ! What am I doing here then ? I can 't do this alone . ' Kiona started gatheClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Dancing Bananas It was a dark night , with the light from the full moon . It was a little cloudy , right around the moon . I ran up the big mountain , to see all of Jupiter , the jungle , the ocean ; I could see everything even the city . Then , I saw the dark subway it was stopped . I saw different colored lights , and people . Then all of a sudden I saw black everywhere . The next morning . . . . Jim , R and Jill were walking home from school . They saw that bananas have been stolen from the market . Then all of a sudden it gets dark , and really large bananas appeared out of nowhere , Jim and R got bit . Jill watched . She saw that they were vampires , she ran to find her dad Bill . She found him and he was waking up . ' Dad , dad , are you okay ? You must have passed out ! ' ' Yes I guess I did , ' he said , shaking his head , ' well , what 's wrong ? ' She sits down . ' Well , Jim and R were bit by vampire bananas and they couldn 't stop dancing . It was scary . ' She stood up and ran down the mountain yelling , ' Come on Dad , we need to get to them , before something else happens to them . ' Bill gets there and turns off the music , and gave bananas to Jim and R . Then , they aren 't mesmerized any more and they could stop dancing . The Bananas are going crazy . ' Oh , now they 're going to bite everyone in site , ' Bill said , while running away . ' Ahhhhhh ! ' everyone said , in terror . They get everyone in the city , then the state , then the country , after that they took over the world but they didn 't find Bill . So he went to the store and got bananas as many as he could get ! It turned dark , he found the people that were dancing , he tried to feed them bananas but he couldn 't give the people the bananas in time . The master bananas came to get him , so Bill ran ; he ran and screamed like a little girl . He thought he ran through all of Jupiter . Then , he was walking through the Jungle , and then Bill turned around and saw the bananas following him . So he ran and jumped into his car , they tried coming through the sunroof then Bill closed it on them . They screamed . Bill said , ' Well , that 's what you get wheClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Not Fair in Love and War Maggie groaned as her long blond hair got stuck in the bread she was making . First of all , she was sick of eating only bread and potatoes each day , and , this was the third time her hair had been a nuisance today . She stared out of the fogged window at the cold , rainy day . She and her mother lived in Virginia , and the weather was being as depressing as their lives . Maggie soon stopped looking out of the window when she heard the gunshots and cries of war miles away in the distance . Her eyes filled with tears and she looked down as she remembered the news she and her mother had received yesterday . Maggie 's dad had been killed while fighting in the Civil War . He was just a man who wished for all humans to be treated equally , and this caused his death . He would be buried with many other soldiers who were killed , as if he were an animal who didn 't mean anything . Maggie wished with all her heart for a proper funeral for her brave father , but she knew her family wouldn 't be so lucky . ' Maggie , are you done mixing the bread yet ? ' Maggie 's mom , Laura , asked as she trudged through the small kitchen . Laura 's eyes were puffy and red , and her dark hair was stringy and uncared for . Maggie knew her mother was extremely depressed because usually she was neat and clean , no matter what the conditions were . Her downhearted mom just upset her more about the loss of her father . ' No , ' Maggie 's voice shook , as she answered . They both knew that they could care less about the bread , because they were too shocked and scared to eat . All they heard all day was gunshots . All they could think about was the brave man who sacrificed his life for war . Thinking about him wouldn 't help now . He was already dead . Maggie didn 't understand the purpose of war . The only thing it did was kill men who were fighting over something that could be settled with one simple debate . She wished that people would actually be as smart as they acted and stop fighting physically . But life would be too good to be true then . Laura began to hum as if she were happy , then stoppeClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Captain Chipmunk Goes To Wal - Mart It was a bright summer day . A chipmunk named Captain Chipmunk was head of a colony of little chipmunks . It was getting close to Christmas for he was out of nuts in his pantry . Captain Chipmunk went to the chipmunk Wal - Mart to buy some nuts for the winter . Since he was the leader of the colony he didn 't have to pay for anything . Not one penny . How lucky is he ? As he was driving in his brand new acorn mobile he hit a bump and rolled down a bank . He quickly jumped out and dashed away before he was crushed under the weight of it . He limply got up off the ground and brushed the dirt off his fur . Then Captain Chipmunk scampered over and looked at his acorn mobile . It was totaled . He squeaked in disgust ' Oh Snap , what am I going to do now ? ! ' He called the car company called Brand New Cars for Sale . They said that they would bring a brand new acorn mobile for him . A tow truck came to get the other car and about ten minutes the brand new car was there . When Captain Chipmunk finally got to Wal - Mart he parked his car , locked it , and went inside . It was his first time in there so he had no clue what to look for . As he walked in he saw everything that he needed starting from A to Z . As he grabbed a shopping cart he walked around . When Captain Chipmunk was finally done looking around , he looked for what he came for . He had come for some acorns to stock up for the winter . He walked over to an employee chipmunk and asked , ' Where is the nut section at ? ' The employee said , ' Section 2006 . ' Captain chipmunk thanked him and went off to the section . When he got to the section there were no nuts left for him to buy . He then went to a lady employee and asked if they had any nuts in stock . She went back to check . She came back and said , ' We have some in stock would you like to come back and pick out the ones you want Mr . Chipmunk sir ? ' Captain Chipmunk said , ' Sure why not ? ! ' He went back in the place where there was stock left . When he got back , he couldn 't believe what his eyes were seeing . There were about 100 rows . Each one 200 meters higClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Ice Raid All DJ could think about as he sat on his knees in the garage was about how much he missed racing his old 600cc Harley Davidson on the ice back home in Wisconsin . DJ was only 19 and has basically lived the dream life . He was only 10 when he first started racing , and in those 9 short years he 's become one of the best professional racers . He is originally from Wisconsin but is now living temporarily in Pennsylvania with the Greenlands . Ray Greenland is the owner of Greenland masonry and has a boy named Austin , who is 16 and also a professional racer . He is home schooled because they are always on the racing circuit . Ray hired DJ to come work for him as a labourer and for his son Austin to become a better racer and fix his bikes . DJ is one of many that have come and gone in the same situation . But he was happy and that 's all that mattered at the moment . Bang , Bang , Bang . Austin had been complaining ( like always ) that something was wrong with his bike and DJ was stuck with the job of finding and fixing the problem . Pretty soon he was lost in thought again about racing on the ice back home . It was winter and very cold here in Pennsylvania . ' Ugh , ' DJ groaned , as he got up to go through another log on the fire in the massive shop . DJ 's mind started to wander back to ice racing . He slowly trudged back to the bike and kicked the rear wheel . The rear wheel started to wobble instead of holding firm . ' Uh - oh ' , he exclaimed , ' here 's the culprit ! A loose wheel . ' Twool , Twool , Twool . He tightened the wheel . ' Ah , finally finished , now time to watch a little TV . ' Click . ' Today 's forecast , partly cloudy with a chance of snow . ' ' Ugh , boring . ' Click . ' Alright , we 're gonna try and sneak up and over the side of this here creek bed , now that buck should be right at the top in the field of Bio Logic , within 30 yards of where I 'm gonna be . Hopefully I can get a shot on him . ' ' Seen it . ' Click . ' Welcome back to Country Fried Home Videos . ' ' Ugh , isn 't there anything good on ? ' His mind started to wander back to ice racing , and the more he thoughClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Raining Justice Dark clouds loomed over the small town of Thorn , New Jersey . Night started to creep into the corners and crevasses of every street and house that the town had to offer . Thunder rolled uncontrollably in the sky , shaking the shutters of the cement built homes . In one of the streets many alleys , a tall lanky figure with a gaunt face walked in the dark , seeming to materialize into thin air with every step . Covered in dirt and the host to a malodorous stench , the figure continued to wait in the shadows clutching a brown paper bag in his rough hands . He was waiting for the time to come to leave his hiding spot and proceed with his six - month old plan . Thinking of nothing else but his plan , he tapped his foot impatiently and judiciously looked into his bag to be reassured that the contents were still there . Breathing deeply , he closed the bag and his dark blue eyes and listened to the oncoming storm approaching . The man and storm alike , both were waiting for the right time to come . ' Well , my shift is up and it 's about time , I 'm bushed , ' grumbled Officer John of the Thorn Town Police Department . Tight - lipped and foggy - eyed , he rummaged quickly through his desk drawer looking for his car keys . Perfunctorily he got up and clocked out , and without a look back at the police department he walked out to his truck . Baby blue uniform standing out amongst the dull colors of the cars , he lunged into his dark green automobile and fired up the engine . Slowly easing up on the gas pedal , he drove out of parking lot and onto the main highway . Dark waves of clouds started to form in the sky as the weather started to get worse . A boisterous sound was soon heard from the center of the clouds . Slowly , the married man pressed farther down on the accelerator of the old truck as it made its way farther into the town . Hearing the put - put sound of the truck as it went by , frisky squirrels scurried up the many trees disturbing the mustard - colored leaves that had been swaying peacefully in the wind . Passing by many houses and stores , the moonlight wClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing One Crazy Night At Gamestop By Tim , 13 Get to the back of the line ! ' ' No cutting ! ' ' No pushing ! ' That was the cops trying to control the people in line for the biggest game release in history . It was a chilly night , Friday , the night before the game released . People could hardly wait to get their hands on that game . Some people came for the game for their kids . Then most of the people like me , came for the game themselves . Most of them were teenagers ( like me ) but the funny part was there were old people too at the place . I think that is crazy for them to stand out and wait in this kind of weather . It was at a local Gamestop , down in a local shopping center in New York City . There were other stores at the shopping center too . I remember seeing two or three there . Like a skate shop , L . L Beans and some others I can 't remember . I stood in the chilly cold night . Waiting for the line to move up . I remember what number I was in line . I was number 77 , out of 438 people . Lots of people huh ? When sitting in line , getting up , moving , and repeating , or just standing on my free will can getting a little annoying . But I 'll hang in there . I saw the line move up about a hair . I got up and move right long with the people . I met a lot of cool people there too . Like this one guy named Tom . He was just like me . Had a 360 , had X - Box Live and plays with other people on Live for fun and enjoys it for the love of the game . But a lot of people didn 't want to talk to me because I was a stranger to them . Just a simple ' Hi ! What did you come here for ? ' It didn 't get too conversational . The line moved up again . The employee 's calling numbers ' 35 ! ' 36 ! ' 37 ! I took a look at the ground , ' This is going to be a long night ! ' The alarm clock went off . DAA , DAA , DAA ! I took a look at my clock 8 : 30 . I got up , got a shower , and headed out to pick up some stuff up for my parents . This was the morning before the night of the game release . When driving through midtown I saw posters everywhere . The traffic was slow . Heck ! It 's always slow in midtown because of the traffic . I went into Giant gClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The One That Got Away Danny and Sam had Shaq cornered at a window . ' You 'll never get away ! ' said Dan . ' Oh , yes I will ! ' replied the confident Shaq . What is he up to ? Shaq Tyson is a world famous thief . He found out how to steal the gold from a bank , the silver from Texas , and a mint machine from the U . S . Treasury . The gold had been in a safe , and the mint machine had been left alone . The silver from Texas , though , took some time . He had to go to every bank and steal from every bank . He has quite a reputation . One day when he was at the NAT ( National Association of Thieves ) , somebody brought up the topic of stealing the Sacred Jewel of Persia . As soon as he heard the idea , Shaq automatically jumped all over it . He began to prepare . Shaq went undercover to scout where it was located . He wore a black hood and sunglasses . It turned out that the jewel was held at Persia 's most important castle . The palace was very heavily guarded with men and security cameras , and also had a very steep wall to climb up and Infa - red security beams everywhere . He began to make tools . He made a very long and strong grappling hook and suction cups for his hands and feet . He also made a powder that would make the beams show and make the men distracted . Finally , he was ready for the heist , which would be the night after . Shaq was hidden in a bunch of leaves to avoid detection . When the men weren 't looking , he made his climb . He twirled the grappling hook up the side of the castle and climbed up . When he made it to the top , he was panting and out of breathe , but he eventually recovered . Shaq didn 't know where to look , so he went through the castle , the hallways , and looked in all the rooms . He looked in one room where one person was sleeping , but didn 't find it . He looked into the kitchen , but didn 't find the jewel . Then he went to the bathroom , used it , but did not find it in there . He was just wandering around when he saw a room that said : SECURITY ROOMSTAY AWAYNow , being a big , bad thief , Shaq thought right away , cool , this has got to be where it is . He entered theClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing True Friends or Worst Enemies Everyone was looking at me and laughing for no reason . I thought that I might have something on my face . But it wasn 't that at all . This was the start to a horrible day in ninth grade . Over the weekend I had gone to my friend 's house and we were all playing truth or dare . When it was my turn , I decided to do a truth . Ashley said , ' Tell us your deepest , darkest secret . ' Well , I told them , but now I totally regret it . Today at school they must have told everyone about my secret . Everyone was laughing and saying , ' Look at Lydia . ' I started getting suspicious , and I couldn 't stop thinking about the night they found out . When I walked into 3rd period Ashley , Chelsea , and Brooke were all staring at me . I knew it was something to do with me and I said , ' You didn 't . ' And they said , ' Oh yes , we did . ' I ran out of the classroom in tears . Everyone at East High was laughing at me and I couldn 't wait until that day was over . I walked home , but I usually went with my ' friends ' but not anymore , they told my secret to everyone at school and I couldn 't wait to get them back . The next day , I was at my locker waiting for them to walk by so I could talk to them about yesterday . But of course they didn 't come by , so I went to my classroom and asked the teacher if I could use the restroom and the girls were in there talking about me . I walked in and said , ' Whatever you three are saying about me you better stop because you three are really starting to make me mad . ' Ashley said , ' We could never talk about you . ' I replied , ' I just heard you , and I am never going to talk to you three ever again , because I can 't trust you guys like I used to . ' Then I walked out and still there were some people laughing at me and I was so angry . I didn 't want to go to cheerleading practice because those irresponsible girls were on the cheerleading squad . I knew something was going to happen at practice . This is what happened . Chelsea is going to have a really cool birthday party for her sweet 16 and I was mad because I thought that she would only invite popularBy Tori , 13 It was a nice spring day . The birds were chirping and the wind was blowing . I just got out of the hot shower and smelled the fresh smell of new flowers from down in the garden blowing in . I heard my phone ring . It was Ally , my best friend . she told me they were having a dorm party that night and wanted me to come . They were having pizza and dancing and other stuff . As I got off the phone with Ally , Morgan called and told me that she wanted to get ready with me and go to the party together . I told her to be at my dorm by 5 because the party starts at 7 . It was almost lunchtime so I walked over to the cafeteria to get some lunch it was my favorite , tacos . Then , after that I went home to study before Morgan came over because we have a big test on Monday . Then it was finally five o ' clock I heard a knock on my door it was Morgan , ' Hi party buddy . Are you ready to get ready for the best party of the year ? ' ' Oh yeah , ' I said , happily . She got in the shower and took forever . It was almost 6 and she just got done drying her hair . I had to curl my hair real fast and put on my favorite pair of Hollister jeans that I just got from the mall when my parents came up to visit me , and my pink Abercrombie tank top , then got my socks on and my pink converse high tops . Morgan got dressed quickly and brushed her hair before we left . We started walking down the stairs then the whole way across the campus it took almost forty - five minutes because Morgan had to wear her new high heels that Josh , her new boyfriend , got her for Easter . Finally , we got there . As soon as I walked into the room they gave me red plastic cups with something clear in it . I asked what it was and they just said , ' Drink it , silly it is good . ' I took a sip , it was horrible I thought . I would get used to it but I think after four hours of drinking it I was already drunk after the first two hours . I could not believe some of my best friends got me drunk . What kind of friends do I have ? The next three hours were nightmares . My friends all dared me to do bloody Mary I was tClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Three Month Anniversary It was early in the month on a Monday morning . The sun had begun to shine . Alissa could hear the birds chirping . There was a cool breeze blowing . Alissa had just got off the bus and had begun looking for Corbin . Corbin was at his locker getting the books that he needed for his morning classes . They had been going out for three months now . Alissa was so excited and wondered if Corbin had gotten her a present . As Alissa approached Corbin 's locker she noticed that there was no sign that he had gotten her a gift . Corbin turned around and saw that Alissa looked disappointed . Her arms were crossed in front of her chest . When she walked her feet dragged across the floor . ' What 's wrong ? ' asked Corbin , in a concerning voice . ' You didn 't forget did you ! ? ' Alissa was starting to become upset . Corbin searched his mind trying to figure out what Alissa was talking about . It wasn 't her birthday was it ? ' What are you talking about ? ' questioned Corbin . ' Today is our three month anniversary ! How could you forget this ? I 've been waiting for weeks for this day to come and you forgot ! ' Alissa was fuming now ! ' I 'm sorry , there 's just so much on my mind lately , you know with SAT 's coming up and all . ' Corbin had been really stressed out lately mostly because the SAT 's were coming up and his whole future is depending on the grade he gets . But , also because his friend , Colleen who had been friends with him since fourth grade , just told him that her Uncle Rick passed away . Corbin had come to know Rick very well because of Colleen . Rick was very funny and he was always there for Corbin even though he wasn 't family or anything . Alissa didn 't know Rick , and Corbin didn 't want to concern her by telling her about his death . After all , Alissa was always a very emotional person and this would make her very sad . ' I didn 't tell you this because I didn 't want you to worry about it but I guess you deserve to know what has been bothering me so much . ' Corbin wasn 't sure how Alissa would take this , but he felt bad for upsetting her when he could have been opClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing One Left Things had been black for a while . All Mac could remember was riding in a car with his best friend Ed . Then he suddenly remembered those searing yellow lights . A drunk driver in a semi truck . After he woke up in the hot hospital , he knew the wreck might have caused him to go into a coma . Mac still wondered why the hospital was dark and acrid smelling . He stood up and surprisingly his legs did not give out . There was no one in his room at all and all the TV showed was static . Mac began to panic . Even though he became easily paranoid he sat back down and ran his hands through his long black hair . He looked out and saw something that looked like hundreds of ivy - covered buildings outside his window , with things like deer and bear roaming the streets . Multicolored birds flocked among the many buildings . Mac decided he had better get out of there . As soon as he had stepped into the hallway he knew where that hideous acrid smell had come from . What was a half eaten human corpse was sprawled on the floor . Mac felt sick but he didn 't know why . However , many years he had been in that coma he knew he had not eaten the least bit of food . He stepped around it and went to find his clothes because he noticed he was still in that old hospital robe . He found a room that said ' Employee Uniforms ' . He found a well fitting comfortable pair of scrubs and a pair of shoes that went right on . Now that he had actual clothes on , he felt much more comfortable . He ventured back into the hallway and went to find a way out of the crazy place . He knew he was not on the bottom floor so he went down a hallway and since the power was not back on yet he found a staircase and made his way down . After he had found a way out he had looked around to find an eerie mist hanging over everything . He had remembered broad daylight when he had first peered uneasily outside the hospital window . Also , for all the ivy that had been hanging around , it had gone from being in a hot stuffy hospital to an almost ice cold temperature outside . He could still see but it By Jessica , 12 You can see a family , a mother , a father , and a toddler girl . They are driving home together on a dark rainy night . The toddler is sitting in her car seat in the back singing random words to a song playing on the radio . The parents are laughing ; her mother takes her eyes off the road for a second to glance at her husband . When she returns her gaze she is met with a jeep screeching towards her . She jerks the wheel but it is too late . Standing outside you can see paramedics running around crazily tying to save lives . A small stretcher goes by with a white blanket covering a small body . Major General Roth jolts awake from a nightmare , the kind that really happens , then you dream about it again and again . Major General Roth looks around then shakes her head slowly , as if trying to erase the dream from her mind . Sitting up Roth grabs her alarm clock almost yanking it from the wall ; 8 a . m . ' Shoot , shoot , shoot , ' Roth says , under her breath as she jumps from her bed and scrambles to find her uniform , ' Colonel Corbin is gonna kill me for missing our coffee date ! ' Roth runs towards her poorly decorated bathroom to change . Seven minutes later , Roth dashes for the door leading to the third floor hallway . Right before she shuts the door she remembers that she forgot to put on her boots and darts back in . Seizing her boots Roth sprints for the stairs taking two at a time . Reaching ground floor Roth throws open the door to the lounge and rushes in searching for Colonel Corbin still holding onto her boots . ' Colonel Corbin , ' Roth says , sitting down in the chair opposite Colonel Corbin , ' I 'm sorry that I 'm late , my alarm clock didn 't wake me . ' ' No sweat , Jess , ' Corbin replies , pushing a cup of coffee towards his old school friend , ' If I learned anything from knowing you in middle school it is that when you are late not to fret , ' Roth looked at Colonel Corbin annoyed . ' Did you even look at the guidelines for joining the army ? ' Roth says , annoyed with Corbin while pushing the coffee cup away from her in disgust , ' chapter 12 line 62 , By Dustin , 13 Stan and his team mates were throwing the ball back and forth getting ready for Super Bowl 48 to start . ' You know , I think we will defiantly win this one . The Dogs have no chance against us , ' said Stan . As the announcer came over the loudspeaker , Stan and his team mates ran over to the bench to get ready for the national anthem . They put their helmets on and went out to the 50 - yard line for the coin toss . It was Stan , Bob , Chris , Dave , and Jake out at the 50 - yard line to call the coin . The ref , with a mean snarling look on his face , tossed the coin up in the air . Dave yelled , ' Heads . ' The coin dropped to the ground and they all looked at the ground and the Ligers captains started to turn around to see what the head coach wanted to do . Jim the head coach put one finger up for the sign to receive the kick . They ran off the field to get the kick return team on the field . Stan was back deep to return along side Dave . The kicker went back to the line , put his hand up to signal , he was ready to kick . Stan scrambled over to where the ball was coming down from and opened his hands and caught the ball . He fumbled the ball around for a second and then got a grip on it and ran to the right side , running straight with nine blockers in front of him . The 40 , the 30 , the 20 , the 10 , TOUCHDOWN . The game was now 6 - 0 . Stan and his team mates cheered and ran back to the 10 - yard line for the field goal . Stan went to the sideline to get some air . Jake , the kicker , kicked the ball right through the uprights . Stan went back out on the field to get read for the kick off . He stood right beside Jake and when he kicked the ball Stan went charging down field . He couldn 't see the ball or who had it , but he could hear the opposing team yelling left , left . He went right , which was their left until the ball carrier came into view . He immediately charged towards him and smothered him to the ground . When he hit the ground the ball came loose and Stan picked it up and ran . The 20 , the 10 , Touchdown . Stan had scored yet another touchdown for the Ligers , tClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Basketball Game It was 5 : 30 in Altoona at the summit , there was 60 seconds on the clock , Lil ' Shaq went to shoot but the other team got the ball and went down for a lay up . The clock now said 30 seconds Lil ' Shaq stole the ball and went down for a slam - dunk . Followed by one of the other player 's who hit the ball out of his hands and rabidly went down the court and made a lay up . The clock was at 10 seconds Lil ' Shaq was nervous and was shaking like a jitterbug because he had to make a three pointer to win the game . He was running down court . There were 5 seconds left . He stopped . Three seconds . He shot and the game was over . The people in he crowd were shouting and cheering . The team was hopping up and down like a bunch of frogs . While the other team was swimming in their tears . Ten years later , Lil ' Shaq woke up at 3 : 15 A . M . because of a bad dream he had about the basketball game . He decided to go to Hoss 's . He got dressed and went to Hoss 's and on his way , people inside were thinking that he was crazy because he was out so late . When he got there he ordered as slow as a turtle because he was still tired . But then he smelt the food , so ran as fast as a road runner . At that moment a man sat right in front of Lil ' Shaq , and he just stared at the floor like he was frozen and couldn 't move . Then just when Lil Shaq was about to summon the waiter the strange man said , ' Wait don 't you remember me ? ' But Lil ' Shaq was too shocked and couldn 't remember at all . Then the man whispered , ' It 's me Lil ' Kevin ! ' Lil ' Shaq was so surprised that he almost peed his pants . When Lil ' Shaq came back to earth they got their food . Then they talked about the old times . But Lil ' Shaq was thinking in is head , I swear he better not try to talk about what happened 10 years ago . Out of nowhere Lil ' Kevin asked about 10 years ago . Lil ' Shaq just ignored him and stared at his food . Next he said , ' Are you going to eat that ? ' But Lil ' Kevin said once more , ' Come on , we can talk about it . That was 10 years ago . ' Lil ' Shaq started to get red like a fire truck . I don 't wanClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Win Of A Lifetime ' In the bottom of the ninth , the score is four to seven , the Yankees are winning and Cardinals are at bat . With William Franks on second base , Manny Romo is now up to bat for the Cardinals , ' said the announcer . On a sunny Sunday afternoon in St . Louis , Missouri , we are here to see who is the winner of the two thousand and thirteen Major League Championship . Manny , a twenty - two year old , has been playing baseball on a team since he was six , but has been hitting and throwing a ball since he was very young . He has played baseball for many teams such as the Twins , Tigers , Little League Cardinals , and many more . Now he is currently playing for the Major League Cardinals . William Franks is a twenty - three year old and has been playing baseball ever since he was about nine years of age . When he went to college he got an academic scholarship in science and also a scholarship in baseball . The pitcher threw the ball , ' Strike one ! ! ! ' said the umpire . As the pitcher , Jacob Dubbs wiped the sweat off his head and walked back to the mound , he told himself that he could strike Manny out , which he could be the one . Jacob is twenty - two and has been playing baseball on a team since he was seven . Jacob and his sister , Kiley Ramirez , have been ' fun playing ' since they were about two . They both wanted to fulfill the dream of becoming a Major League baseball player and both had different aspirations when it came to teams . Jacob wanted to play for the Yankees because he was a die - hard fan and he followed the team very well . Kiley wanted to play for the Cardinals ever since she started playing ball . Now , they both got what they worked for and deserved and now they are wonderful baseball players . William looked to steal but Jacob was to quick to the mound . The next pitch was thrown , ' Look at that ball fly , and its gone ! ! ! ' the announcer , bellowed . The crowd screamed and clapped with joy . That hit ran William in and the score now five to seven . Everyone on the Cardinals stood by home plate waiting for Manny to cross , they went wild when he crClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Orange County The light breeze from the Pacific Ocean blew the palm trees as Lauren and Brittany tried to tan on the beach . It wasn 't the best day to be out on the Orange County Beach . The clouds were overcast but the temperature was still in the high 80 's . As Lauren picked up her pink Blackberry Pearl , she took off her oversized Chanel sunglasses and answered her phone . It was her boyfriend , Seth , asking if she wanted to meet him at the Sailboat for a stack of pancakes . As Lo hung up the phone , she packed up her things and put on her new Abercrombie and Fitch skirt . ' That was Seth . He wants to meet at The Sailboat for some pancakes . Wanna Come ? ' ' I guess . It 's too windy here anyway , ' Brittany said , as she took off her Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses and packed up her tote bag . Brittany and Lauren had been best friends ever since 6th grade . Now , 16 and in 10th grade , they are still together . They have never been in a fight . At OCH , Orange County High , they were known as Brittany and Lauren . Not just Brittany and not just Lauren . They were always together and a lot of people envied them . Lo and Britt practically lived together . Nothing has ever come between them . But lately Lauren has noticed something was missing . She just couldn 't put her finger on it . As they were walking to the pancake house , Britt nervously picked at her perfectly manicured nails and looked at her shoes . She said , ' Ya know , you and Seth have been really close lately . ' Lo took that comment as a conversation starter , not in any way a problem she was trying to address . ' Yeah , I know . I really like him . ' Brittany looked into Lauren 's eyes and she said , ' Yeah , but he gets so mad really easily . And you guys are so into each other . I mean you guys are just gonna lose all your friends and all you 're gonna have is each other and it will be disgusting and you won 't have a life ! ' ' Oh no ! Ugh ! What the heck ! ' Lauren thought to herself , but didn 't dare to say it out loud . So instead , she said , ' Britt , that is not going to happen . I spend like my life with my friends , way more timeClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Hunting Escape I thought to myself , ' The woods are very bare and today the wind is not blowing the leaves around if I don 't see anything soon I 'm going in for the day . ' In a second , I heard some noises down in the creek below my tree stand about fifty yards away . The next thing I know is this deer sprinted up over the hill , it stopped and looked around and only his head was looking up over the hill at me . Then he moved up a little farther and I pulled up my gun and I have a good shoulder shot . I wait a second and Boom ! I fired my gun . I heard the deer hit the ground and it rolled down to the bottom of the hill . My walkie - talkie goes off and everyone is asking me was that you Katie ? So I said , ' Yes that was me . ' My dad said , ' I 'll be there in a couple of minutes . ' So a few minutes later , I heard my dad and Uncle Darin coming down on the golf cart and they told me on the walkie - talkie , ' Get down very carefully with your gun and walk down to the cabin road and we 'll meet you down here . ' So I got down and walked down to the road and met my dad and uncle . I walked down to meet them and we went to look for blood and hair and we found some . I also saw that there were leaves moving around where the deer had rolled to the bottom of the hill . Then I went down to the road and looked around and I had found the blood trail . There were also big blood clots and big puddles of blood . So once I had told my dad and my uncle that I had found the blood trail they had come up out of the creek . We waited a few more minutes to make sure that the deer would be laying on the ground fully dead . After those minutes , we went and walked the blood trail . We had followed the trail until finally it had stopped . At this point , we were starting to get tired of walking because we had walked the trail three times at this point . Now , my dad was flaming with anger because this was the first deer I had ever shot . So my dad had said , ' The first deer I had ever shot we also could not find . ' Also , while we were looking for the deer we jumped some more deer but they were ruBy Kasie , 12 Jennifer Calivar McCurcinus is a nice , tall , skinny girl . She is 5 foot 3 with brunette hair and light blue eyes . Jennifer is 16 years old . She has friends and best friends . Also a boyfriend named Ryan Jacket . They always hang out , that 's including lunch , dinner , the beach , and home . She is not one of those girls who spends too much time with her boyfriend and not her friends , or the other way around . She is afraid of bears , spiders , and mice . Jennifer is a great athlete who loves volleyball , and cheerleading . She is usually nice to everyone , but being rich really changed that . She loves dogs and loads of other animals too . The place where Jennifer lives is sunny , hot and always a nice day to go to the beach . School , she thought to herself with a grin on her face . ' Junist bring me my breakfast ' NOW ! ' she screamed . ' Ma ' am I will be up , ' he replied with a sigh . As she got out of bed she stumbled to her closet . Nothing to wear I 'm going shopping ! she said , to herself . Knock , knock , knock . Ma ' am , your breakfast , ' Junist knocked . ' Come in and hurry or I 'm gonna be late for school , ' she yelled at him . ' Yes Ma ' am , ' he said , putting his head down as if he did something wrong . As he stepped in , he trembled to put her food down . She glared at him as he left . She looked at the food with disgrace . She left it sat on her table and went to find something to wear . She found a pink Hollister top with boot cut shorts . As she got dressed her mother text her saying , ' I need to talk to you . ' Jennifer sighed , and thought , oh great what did I do now ? She walked to her bed and pounced on it like a cat trying to get a mouse . Lying down on the bed she returned to text her mom saying , ' What is it mom ? I am busy ok , ' she walked to the mirror added her make - up to her face and said , ' Ahh , beautiful ey ? ' She walked to the door and pushed the button and waited for the door to open . DING the door opened . She stepped inside and went down stairs . ' Hello mother , what do you need from me now ? ' she asked , with a puzzled look on her face . She loved her motherClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Breakup or Makeup ? Chelsea Smith lives in Newport Harbor , California . Her and her friends go to the beach a lot . They like to swim , hang out , talk , and play beach volleyball . Her favorite sport is volleyball , when she grows up she wants to be a professional . Chelsea is 15 years old and her heritage is German . Her favorite food is steak with a baked potato . She is terrified of snakes and bugs , sharks , spiders and she is also afraid to die . She has really dark hair that is kind of a black color and she has blue eyes . She is 5 foot 5 inches , that 's a good height for a volleyball player . It is a sunny day and everyone is ready for school and they all are in happy moods . It was the first day back at school and everyone is talking and catching up on old times . Chelsea met up with her best friends Ashley Clay , Jessica Conrad , and Chrissie Monopoly . They didn 't hang out with Chelsea a lot this summer because she was with her boyfriend Jake Worthy . ' Hey girlies how have you guy been ? ! ' asked Chelsea . ' Oh you know just the usual . Hanging out at the lake with each other and some guys , ' replied Chrissie . They all told stories of what they did in the summer . Also how their vacations went . Then they went around to the whole school to their friends and caught up with them . Next thing they see is Chelsea and Jake is in the storage closet kissing . They stopped when the girls open the door ; they felt very embarrassed . Everyone is disgusted and they all just walk away . ' Well I 'm sorry guys this is what me and Jake do , we are dating if you haven 't noticed , ' explained Chelsea . ' Ew did you see them , even if they are going out they still don 't need to do PDA , ' complained Jessica . Then whole crew started to walk down to the beach to go surfing and tanning . While the girls were tanning they were also thinking how Chelsea spends too much time with Jake . So they stopped tanning and they said to Chelsea , ' You spend too much time with Jake , you need to give him a break for a little and hang out with us ! ' commented Ashley . ' Well , he is my boyfriend and I want to sp | Tell Us About It | All About Me | Teachers | |
Did you see us this morning as you walked by Starbucks on your way to work ? Yes , that was us . We had stopped in for a coffee . I went to get in line but she started demanding to get out of the stroller . After extracting a promise from her not to touch anything I freed her from the restraints . She promptly went and claimed a table by the window . I guess we were staying . I huddled in the wooden chair at the round table by the window . My wet hair pulled back into a pony tail , the bangs pinned to one side . Wearing my uniform under my coat . The bags under my eyes and my pasty skin conveying that it had been another rough night . I watched my kids devour a multi grain bagel with cream cheese ( him ) and a requested pumpkin scone ( her ) . I greedily drank my coffee . She shrieked long and loud when I shared some of her scone with her brother . I threatened to leave . She apologized and went back to her scone . He finished and climbed out of his chair . He wandered around looking at things . Pointing at things . Nothing got broken or spilled . I felt grateful . I loaded them back into the stroller with promises of a trip past the dog park . Still clutching my coffee we left . Mmm , chocolate . I never used to like chocolate . I could seriously take it or leave it . If it was a choice between a bowl of chips and a chocolate bar , I would choose the chips every time . Except ketchup chips . Gross . Then I got pregnant with the girl and a developed a taste for the sweetness that is chocolate . Mmm , chocolate . I have even come to love the 70 % dark chocolate that the husband favours . I will occasionally find myself raiding his stash in the cupboard by the stove . A stash that will have to be moved because I have seen the girl looking calculatingly at the cupboard . Lynn from Turtlehead kindly sent me a lovely virtual Easter basket . She thought that even though it wasn 't a cupcake , I might still like it . And the timing is perfect . After the weekend of sick I could use some chocolate . If you 're interested in sending a virtual Easter Basket , here are the rules : Copy and paste these rules to your blog post . Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger - you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want . Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket . Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket . Leave your link at BetterBasket . info / BlogHop comment section . You can also find the official rules of this # betterbasket blog hop , and more information about Better Basket with Hershey 's there . Hershey 's is donating $ 10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children 's Miracle Network ( up to total of $ 5 , 000 by blog posts written by April 4th , 2010 ) . Please note that only one blog post by each blog url will count towards the donation . I am passing on this basket to my dear friend at Careless Campers because she is back at work now and I have the feeling she could use a stash of chocolate in her desk drawer . The fever started on Friday . On Saturday she slept . Waking occasionally to eat or watch a video , she spent the day napping in our bed . Sunday morning she woke for the day at 1 : 30am . The next few hours were spent comforting her as she threw up . Three times . Sunday was a long day . She woke up again this morning at 1 : 30am and wouldn 't go back to sleep . I tried to be thankful that she wasn 't throwing up . I tried to get her back to sleep . I was exhausted but comforted myself with the fact that the husband was sleeping and I could pass her off to him at 5am . At 5am I learnt that he had been up for an hour and a half with the boy . He was as tired as I was . I had a hysterical sleep - deprivation - induced breakdown in the living room . The husband sent me back to bed . I slept for three hours . When I woke up the husband went back to bed . I am struggling to find my balance . My patience . This my friends , is parenting . I thought that the first day into my second year of blogging would be a good time to stop and thank some people for passing on some kind awards to me . I am embarrassed to say that I have taken my sweet time with some of these . I blame it on my disinclination to do anything that I feel like I should do , even if I want to do it . Yup , that is just one of the wonderful personality traits that I that makes me me . First to thank are two fellow bloggers from Ontario who kindly passed on A Bloggy award to me . I tried to upload the image , but well , for some reason I couldn 't . Something else that makes me me is my lack of technological skills . Mary Lynn from Riding in a Handbasket gave me a great wee perk - me - up with this award . There is nothing like knowing someone enjoys reading you to make you smile . Momshell from The Momshelter provided me with what might be the most interesting description of Capital Mom ever . She said that " reading her blog is like sleeping on clean white sheets and ignoring the fact your child left a booger on your pant leg . " It 's always interesting to find out what others think of you , isn 't it . From the other side of the world , Lifeslightlyused 's Blog bestowed upon me the Honest Scrap award . Somehow I managed to upload that picture . I was a surprised as you are . The Honest Scrap Award Rules say that I must : 1 . Brag about the award . 2 . Include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger . 3 . Choose a selection of blogs that you find brilliant in honest content4 . Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award . 5 . List at least ten honest things about yourself . ……… then pass it on with the instructions ! Here are my ten honest things about myself . Consider it the book club edition : - I don 't like the book we are currently reading for book club . - I didn 't finish the book and I don 't plan too . - I am going to honestly tell everyone at the book club that I didn 't like it and why . - If I don 't like a book I skip to the last chapterPosted by A lot has happened in the last year . My baby became a toddler . My toddler became a girl . We settled in our life as a foursome . I started blogging . At first I had no idea what I was doing . Sometimes I still don 't . But I did it anyway and here we are . A year later . I wish now I had started sooner because blogging has changed my life . Blogging has helped me to find my voice . It has prompted me to overcome my fear of writing and to discover that it is both something that I love and that I am good at . I am proud of what I write . I am eager to learn how I can improve . Blogging has given me confidence in my parenting . Writing about the daily challenges and struggles have allowed me to take a step back and view my experiences with new eyes . To find the humour where I might not otherwise see it . To realize that I am doing a good job with these kids of mine , despite how I might feel sometimes . Blogging has reminded me that that we are all our stories . I have been excited to find bloggers with similar stories to mine and been glad to share their journey . I have been amazed and awed by the stories of others . Reading these real - life stories has made me reflect on my own in ways that reading fiction never has . Blogging has introduced me to bloggers whose " in real - life " friendships I have come to value and count on . Friends that I may not have met otherwise but whose company I adore . Three hundred and sixty five days . Almost as many posts . The next year will bring as many changes . The kids will keep growing . I will head back to work . The husband will take over as the primary caregiver . I hope that I will continue to blog once I am back sitting in front of a desk all day . I don 't want to lose what I have started here . Let 's see shall we ? Let 's see what the next year brings . While it sounds like he is calling me Ma Ingalls style , he is really using his new favorite word . He mispronounces it , but the meaning is pretty clear . Mine ! The favorite word of toddlers everywhere , it is usually accompanied by grabbing , pushing or pointing . He grabs the boot I am trying to help him put on with one hand while pushing me away with the other . He yanks the cracker from my hand and runs screaming from the room in case I try to take it back . He points at the baking on the counter while looking at me and shrieking . Mine ! I think that he likes saying mine more then he likes whatever it is that he feels is his . He likes to stake his claim . Exert his independence . Establish his domain . Mine ! Like a bindi , a drop of maple syrup sat on his forehead above his eyes . He didn 't seem to mind the sticky substance . I didn 't notice how it got there , but I did watch him devour a treat of maple toffee on a stick that had been poured and rolled in the snow as we watched . The four of us visited the sugar shack yesterday . It was a field trip with the girl 's preschool . I was going to go with her and the boy and the then the husband wanted to come too . So we all went . The boy loved the sweet candy on a stick he licked at until it disappeared . He did not like the school bus . He did not like the wagon ride . In fact , I don 't know if he liked much except the toffee . The girl liked the school bus . The girl liked the wagon ride . The girl liked dragging her friend behind her by his hand through the maple trees . Needles to say she liked the maple toffee on a stick . I liked my maple toffee too . At least what I was able to eat of it until it was dropped in the dirt . I don 't want to point fingers but , really , someone should know how to be more careful after thirty - seven years . After an exciting ( for the kids ) and tiring ( for us ) morning we headed back into the bus for the ride back to school . The boy cuddled on my lap . The girl looked out the window . Just in case the kids hadn 't had enough sugar the teachers handed out maple cookies to all the kids as they headed home . If it didn 't feel like such an Ottawa tradition it might feel strange watching my eighteen month old lick sticky maple syrup off of a stick , but that is all part of life in this town . Some wonderful friends and I are working on a new parenting blog . The idea is to share things we do with our familes ( activites , attractions , events , crafts , cooking , etc . ) in Ottawa with other parents . We are all very excited and hope to lauch it soon , but . . . . We don 't have a name . We need a name . Can you help us with a name ? We decided to host a Twitter contest . This is what we tweeted : New Ottawa family blog needs name . Best idea wins $ 25 Starbucks card and 12 cupcakes ! Tweet idea by end day March 25 . # OttawafamilyblogI will be making the cupcakes . I promise they will be good . If you are on Twitter can you help us out and tweet your idea with the hash tag # Ottawafamilyblog . If you aren 't on Twitter but have an idea , please leave it in the comments . Can 't wait to share the blog with you all . I live with two monkeys . My monkeys like to jump and climb . Screech suddenly . Eat bananas . One of the monkeys has decided to adopt the monkey see , monkey do saying as his life 's motto . He watches my other monkey and has to do exactly everything that she does . Everything . She bangs her spoon on the table . Before you can ask her to please stop , he bangs his spoon on the table . She asks for a bowl of yogurt and berries . No point ever asking him if he wants some because he will just yell if you come out of the kitchen with just one bowl . She hits me in frustration . He walks across the room and hits me . Twice . She heads for the swings . He is right behind her trying to climb into the one beside to her . She grabs a shirt from her cupboard . He grabs one too and tries persistently to put it on . She stands up on her chair and before you can say please sit on your bum he has gotten up off his bum to stand on his chair . She starts to jump off a step as we go down the stairs . Looking directly at the boy I say to her no jumping on the stairs please , it isn 't safe . Then I rush to catch him as he jumps off the top step . I love that he loves her . I love it . Really ! I just wish that the mimicking would end . But I have a feeling it is only going to get worse . Over the monitor I hear the rustling sounds that let me know he is awake . I hold my breath , waiting to see if he will put himself back to sleep . When I hear him start to yell I pull myself up off the couch and head upstairs , leaving the girl to finish watching a video on her own . Just as I reach the top step and am about to open the baby gate , I catch a glimpse into his room through the space between the bottom on his door and the floor . Peaking back at me are ten little toes . He had pulled his socks off before his nap and now stands barefooted on the other side of the door . The sound of a rattling door knob is accompanied by yells for me to come and get him already . I laugh and hurry to his room , amazed and also trepidatious about the fact that he has figured out how to crawl out of his toddler bed and around the bed rail in only three weeks . His sister slept in that bed for almost two years , mostly without a bed rail , and only in the last few weeks sleeping in the bed did she discover that she could get out of it on her own . She preferred to stay in bed and holler for us until one of us came to her . I don 't think I am going to teach him how to turn a doorknob . Hollering really isn 't that bad . I have been reflecting on the value other people seem to place on blogging , particularly women bloggers . After reading that bloggers are mostly men ( well , the interesting ones anyway ) and that women that blog are either building their brand or complaining about their kids I have been questioning the value that others might place not only on my blog , but on me . I write about my life . Right now my life just happens to involve being the primary caregiver for two kids under four . So that is what I write about . I could write about other things : books I read , my opinions on politics or my distrust of drivers in this city . I could tell you the letters I have behind my name . I could talk as an expert about the paid work I used to do and will soon do again . But I don 't want to . All of those things are valuable . All of those topics would make for interesting blog posts and could spawn interesting comments threads . There is someone out there blogging about all of those things already . I choose not to add my voice to theirs . Instead I use this space to explore my own experiences as a mother and the journey I am on with my family . To me that is just as valuable as discussing current events . Obviously not everyone feels the same . That makes me question not only the value they might place on my blog , but the value they place on parenting and children . Is anything I have done in my life as valuable as raising these kids to be decent and kind and loving ? Is there anything as valuable our society can do than raise our kids ? I really don 't think so . Politics , the economy , current events and all those other issues clamoring for the front page of the newspaper are important . I just don 't value them as much as I do parenting . So that is what I write about . He looks at me and tilts his head to his right . Aaangh ! he says lowering his ear down to touch his shoulder . In case I wasn 't listening he raises his head and then tilts it again . Do you want to nurse ? I ask him from where I am sitting on the couch . Ye - ah ! he yells . Somehow tilting his head has become the boy 's way of indicating that he wants to breastfeed . Most likely it is an evolution from when he would crawl into my lap and then flop sideways in my arms to get into the optimum position . The sideways motion has remained , but now it is his head tilting sideways that lets me know what he wants . I could probably teach him a sign , or even a word , for breastfeeding but I have never got around to it . I never thought I 'd need to . I told myself I would breastfeed the boy until he was the same age as the girl when I weaned her . When the girl was a year old I headed back to work . Shortly after that I found myself feeling tired and irritated when it came time to breastfeed , so I decided to stop offering unless she asked . She didn 't ask and that was that . She was weaned at thirteen months . The boy is now eighteen months old . I am still home with him and I wonder if that makes a difference . Breastfeeding is an easy and comforting thing he likes to do before his nap and bedtime so we do it . He asks and I don 't say no . Sometimes he asks at other time during the day . I usually say yes if we are at home . I think about weaning him . Then I think about how much he will hate that and how much I will hate fighting him about it . I told myself I would do it when we moved him to a toddler bed . I tell myself that I will do it when his last two teeth come in . I tell myself many things . Until then he keeps looking at me and tilting his head . Six tall tulips growing in a pot . Dark pink flowers , their petals are closed to the overcast sky . They sit by the sink to get the most sun . I look at them often . Yesterday they brought me moments of joy . I was exhausted after a long night with a girl who decided that midnight is a better time for talking than sleeping . The flowers , my favorite , made me smile . Today I don 't need them as much . I can smile without needing a glimpse of the vibrant pink flowers against the green leaves . Still , I look at them often . We were early . The kids peaked though the doors , pressing their faces against the glass . They pointed to the colourful seats and the horse ride . We killed some time by stopping for a snack from the food court and tying to prevent the boy from launching himself down the escalator . The doors finally opened and we headed inside . The boy was bold and rushed ahead . The girl was cautious , reluctant to finally meet the " barber " and have her first real haircut . A haircut that didn 't involve me quickly snipping her bangs while she wiggled in front of me on the dinning room table . She needed a haircut . Her bangs had been cut , she had even cut some of her hair herself , but the hair reaching down to the middle of her back were her white blond baby locks . It needed to be snipped and tidied . He boy needed a haircut too . His face was becoming obstructed by wispy pieces of his white hair that would fall forward to cover his eyes . The back was too long . He looked shaggy . The girl went first . She sat in a chair shaped like a car . She could have pretended to drive the car but she was too mesmerized by the video playing on the wall across the room . That kept her riveted enough that she didn 't notice the inches being removed from the back of her hair until it reached her shoulder . She did managed to tear her eyes away from the screen long enough to look at the hairdresser while her bangs were trimmed . The girl grimaced and squeezed her eyes shut when I made the hairdresser go back and make them even shorter . When she was done the girl had her photo taken by the hairdresser . She had some sparkles added to her hair . I have sparkles in my hair she said to her grandma later , like a big , huge donut ! The girl had been nervous about the " barber " . I had been nervous too . In the end she cautiously enjoyed it . I didn 't cry she said to me . Unlike her brother . The boy patiently wandered around and played while his sister had her hair cut . Once she was done and I told him it was his turn he started to sob . Big wet tears rolled down his face during his Posted by " It 's like the gang is all here " she said watching the kids play at the park . Her kids . My kids . Neighbors ' kids . A group of ten or so youngsters five and under tearing around the play structure , running in the wading pool and chasing each other across the basketball court . Some parents I hadn 't seen since fall . Some parents I had seen in passing as we pushed our strollers down the street in opposite directions . Some parents I see every week , as much as I can . Our kids had all grown . They all look different . Older . The snow has melted . The puddles are gone . Park season has begun . This post was written as my entry to the Mabel 's Labels BlogHer ' 10 Contest . What would I write as my last blog post if electrical storms were going to wipe out the Internet , possibility forever ? This . Thank you . Thank you for listening to me rant about my children , bemoan the lack of sleep I get and worry about my parenting skills . Thank you for leaving me kind comments that make me feel better and remind me I am not alone . Thank you for sharing with me your own lives and thoughts . I am going to miss you all . To those that I won 't be able to keep in touch with anymore , those of you that live across the country and on the other side of the world , be well and know that I will be thinking of you . To those that have become my friends in person , those of you that have seen my messy house and my messy children , know that I will be calling you . The phones are still working . I plan to use them frequently . I hope that this electrical storm or whatever it is will pass and when I go to turn on my computer tomorrow the red light will illuminate and the funny computer sounds will start . I hope that because what I am most thankful for about the Internet is the passion I have discovered for writing . This blog has been my lifeline , my therapy , my place to find humour in the everyday . The words I have written here on this blog have helped me understand myself better . I will miss coming and writing these stories for myself , for my kids , for you . I need these words . They are my memories . They are mine and I love them . I plan to copy and paste them into a file on my computer and print them out . They will be a reminder of my online adventure and my adventure in parenting . Without you all to motivate me to keep writing I can 't promise that I will add to these pages . But I will try . I was waiting for someone to ask . Since pulling our two double strollers up to the museum entrance we had been getting looks . Looking at us , looking at the four blond heads we were trailing behind . There were some smiles . Some puzzled looks . The question finally came in the elevator between the first and second floors . Do you have two sets of twins ? the mother asked holding onto the handle of her single stroller . No I laughed . Two of these are ours and two of them are brothers . But they do kind of look alike admitted the husband . Yes they do said the mother . I was impressed that you were out and about she said . Oh , I said , I think if we had two sets of twins we would never leave the house ! I thought briefly about the woman last month who stopped me at a restaurant I was lunching at with the kids and friends to ask me about my bag . We got talking and she mentioned that she has two sets of twins . I marvelled but didn 't have a chance to ask her how on earth she managed . I though about the friends I know with twins . I am in awe of them . And then I gave up thinking again for the next fifty minutes as the husband and I took turns trading off following the older kids and the younger kids in pairs around the museum . The girl was happy to drag her buddy W along behind her , and for the most part he humoured her . The boy was happy to walk along side me , except when he wanted to be the one holding W 's hand . And T , the youngest , seem to take it all in that relaxed way of his . Two sets of they - look - like - twins . It was an adventure . It went great . If only there had been no one else at the museum it would have been easy . The morning sunlight filters through the window . I listen to the sounds of the husband corralling the kids into their coats and boots downstairs . I enjoy my moment alone . I pick up my black yoga pants from their spot on the floor near the bed . I ignore the yogurt and porridge stains from the day before . I put them on , along with a pair of clean underwear . I pick up yesterday 's t - shirt and throw it in the overflowing laundry basket . I grab a clean t - shirt from the drawer . I pull on the pink hooded sweatshirt I have worn everyday this week . I rifle through the black socks lying on the floor until I find two of mine without stickers stuck to them . I don 't bother checking to see if they match . I glance in the mirror . I contemplate brushing the hair I washed yesterday . Instead I pull it back into a ponytail and pin my bangs back with a bobby pin . The husband has started herding the kids out the door and into the stroller parked on the porch . That 's okay . I 'm ready . I was nineteen . He was twenty - three . It played all the time on the radio in London . I was in love . I pushed the shopping cart . The boy sat in the front seat . The girl sat in the back among the eggs , milk and bread . It played over the speakers . The song made me smile . I started to sing . The boy shook his head at me , telling me to stop . The girl started to sing a song about wormans that turned into a song about her brother pooing on the potty . The boy started to sing his favorite song . I kept singing . The boy kept shaking his head at me . I turned the cart down aisle five in search of baked beans for the husband . I don 't believe that anybodyFeels the way I doAbout you nowAnd all the roads that lead to you were windingAnd all the lights that light the way are blindingThere are many things that I would like to say to youI don 't know howI 'm still in love . Times three . Her friend was climbing up a hill and she was behind him . He fell backwards and she fell too . From across the playground I heard her cries . With one eye still on the boy making his way towards the off limits play structure , I swooped down upon her and pulled her up . She was covered in mud . Her boots were muddy , her rain pants were muddy and her coat was muddy . I suggested she lie down in the snow and try to rub some of the mud off . As she and I discussed the virtues of such an idea , I turned around and found the boy lying happily on his back in a pile of snow . His red snow suit a sharp contrast against the white below him . Finally she agreed . I grabbed her arms and dragged her back and forth , back and forth across the school yard . She laughed . She cried when she stood up and realized that her bum was now wet . Dissatisfied , she started to take her pants off . I quickly found a spare pair in her school bag and she changed out in the open air . I chased the boy down and , ignoring his pleas for freedom , shoved him in the stroller . The girl tore off her jacket , declaring that she was too hot for it . Instead , she sat on it in the stroller on the way home . She cuddled beside her brother and wrapped herself in the fleece blanket . Spring is here . The girl was weighed and measured . The doctor listened to her heart and checked her reflexes . He asked her a few questions . All was well . Except for the fact that the boy wouldn 't stop crying . Why is he crying ? asked the nurse . Why is he crying ? asked the doctor . I could have told them it was because I had to wake him up from his ten minute nap in the stroller to come into the office . I didn 't . It is because he thinks it is his turn to get a checkup I said . I would cry too if I were him . * The boy and I were at the doctor 's office only a few weeks ago for his year and a half shots . He was calm until the nurse told me to strip him down to his diaper and then left us alone in the exam room . He understood what she had said and he started to wail . He cried while I took off his clothes . He cried while he was weighted and measured . He cried while the doctor listened to his heart . He cried when he got his shots . He stopped crying as soon as we left the doctor 's office . The girl used to cry too whenever we would take her to the doctor . It is only recently that she has been scared and nervous , but not hysterical . I wonder if she is forgetting . It has been years since she had last had any needles , although her four year boosters are coming up soon . * I like to think that they cried not because of the memories of the shots but because of the memories of their first visits there . They cry because I cried so much on those days . * The husband took the boy to his first doctor 's appointment . I couldn 't face it . I was still too tired from the labour and the pregnancy to gather the strength and steel myself for a visit to the doctor . We tried to get out of it . The husband called the doctor 's office to say that we were under the care of a midwife for the first six weeks and asked if we really needed to come in . We are all tired , the husband said , is an appointment really necessary . Yes , they said . We were told that if we didn 't bring the baby in within the first forty - eight hours of leaving the hospital the pediatrician wouldn 't take him as aPosted by OnceMaybe he wasn 't tired . Maybe the twenty minute nap he had in the stroller was enough . Maybe it was the sound of the girl wandering the hallway and knocking on his door . TwiceMaybe he still wasn 't tired yet . Maybe it was the change of sleeping in his new ( the girl 's old ) bed instead of the crib . Maybe it was the girl quietly creeping the hallways and playing with the gate at the top of the stairs . Three timesMaybe he was overtired . Maybe my tiptoeing out of his room sounded like stomping elephant feet to his ears and woke him from his slumber . Maybe he hates me . Yesterday I felt like they both hated me . He never napped . She would not listen . I was exhausted from them both being awake the night before . I managed to finally get us all outside but the walk was cut short when the girl refused to get in the stroller and then refused to walk in the same direction as me . I went to a friends house and she let us stay there until the husband picked up the kids . He took them home and fed them dinner while I went somewhere else . That was a day . A long , hard day . I wish I could say that today has started better but it seems we have picked up where we left off yesterday . Add in a doctor 's appointment for the girl and I don 't have much hope for today . Please send cupcakes . We have one bathroom in our house . When we bought the house I didn 't care . I grew up with one bathroom and while I figure our future children would likely have the typical teenage fights about whose turn it was in the bathroom , I felt no sympathy for them . They would figure it out . Now I have much sympathy for me . Our one bathroom is on the second floor . It is up a steepish set of stairs that are too high and too numerous for a toddler to manage on his or her own . It is also too high and too numerous for a tired mother to run up when her potty training child needs to , well , use the potty . The solution to this potty problem has been to scatter four white potties all over the first floor . This was critical when the girl was was first transitioning out of her diapers . And then they stayed . Mostly because it was easy . It was easier to have four white potties all over the first floor than to get her to go upstairs by herself or to go with her and drag the boy ( then a baby ) with me . The girl loves it . She loves that she doesn 't have to stop whatever it is she is doing for too long and traipse upstairs . In fact , I would say that she prefers it to using the toilet . She particularly likes her private bathroom . I can 't remember how the private bathroom started . I think it was the husband 's attempt to give her some privacy in a private moment . It has stuck . Now she calls out for her private bathroom and waits patiently on her potty until one of us gets out the pink Disney princess tent a friends of my mother - in - law bought the girl after the boy was born . The tent is slowly lowed over her and it is as if a coronation has taken place . The queen is on her throne . I have grown tired of the four white potties . I would like to retire them permanently but I 'm not sure I have the strength for the fights that will ensue . I also don 't know how practical that would be since I plan to start potty training the boy soon . What I would really like is a proper , hooked up to the pluming porcelain toilet on the first floor . That would make me feel lPosted by It had been years since I 'd last seen her . She heard my friend call my name across the room and so she called it too . How are you ? she asked . Good , I said . How are you ? Good , she said . I heard you had another baby . Yes , I said and told her about the girl and the boy . How are your kids ? I asked . Good , she said and told me about her two girls . Are you back at work ? she asked . No , I said . I am still on leave . Are you back at work ? I asked . No , she said . I am still on leave . We talked some more and then said goodbye . She looked the same . Older , but the same . I look the same too . Older , but the same . I remember when she told me she was pregnant . I was so happy for her . She seems happy now . I was happy being her friend . I wish she had been happy being mine . I wish I could have been the kind of friend she wanted . She decided I wasn 't . In the end , she turned out not to be the kind of friend I wanted either . They look like each other . Like brother and sister . They look more like each other than like either of us . You can tell they are related people say to me . Yes I say and smile . They love each other . Hugs are given . Sometimes wanted , sometimes not . They fight with each other . Over toys , over spoons , over my lap . They will always have each other . The two of them . The boy now sits at the table with the rest of us . Perched on his knees on a kitchen chair pulled up close to the table , he picks at his food just like his sister does . He pushes away his plate when he doesn 't like what is on offer . He gobbles his eggs every morning and eats bowlful after bowlful of yogurt when it is put in front of him . Just don 't try to seat him in a high chair . The high chair we bought when the girl was only a few months old has been dismantled and passed onto friends . She sat in it when it was reclined as far back as it would go and sat in it when it was transformed into a booster seat . She would probably still be using it if I hadn 't transitioned her out of it in order for the boy to have somewhere to sit . He used it happily for the longest time . The white tray clicked in place , he would sit and eat or play or watch me from across the room . Shortly after he hit seventeen months the struggle started . He would protest being put into the chair . He graduated to back arching and passive resistance . Then he adding screaming . I gave up . For a few weeks the high chair sat beside the table while the boy sat on a kitchen chair . Five chairs around the table . We moved it away from the table to a spot against the wall , where it sat for another few weeks . Finally , we took it apart . He sits at the table with the rest of us . Happy that he is where he wants to be . I walked down the stairs carrying him in my arms . A baby only five months old , and yet almost the same weight as the boy . He was heavy in that floppy way a baby is before he is able to sit up . His neck was strong but his back still wasn 't straight . The boy stood at the bottom of the stairs , pointing at me from the other side of the baby gate . Do you see a baby ? I asked him . Ye - ah ! he said . Do you want to hold the baby ? I asked him . Ye - ah ! he said . The last time I held a baby the boy cried and cried . I imagined he was thinking Mom , what are you doing ? I am your baby ! This time he was fine with me holding this baby on my lap . But he was happier when he was holding the baby . I placed the baby on the boy 's lap and he wrapped his arms around him . He gave him a hug . That lasted for half a minute before the girl was demanding her turn . I placed the baby on the girl 's lap and she wrapped her arms around him . She rocked him from side to side and started to sing . Until her brother demanded another turn . Back and forth the baby went from lap to lap . He was hugged and kissed and rocked . The whole time he smiled . The kids were thrilled to have a real live baby to play with . I kept wondering where my babies went . |
Welcome to my blog , everyone ! My name is Victoria . I am 35 years old , and a mother of one son , Derek , who is seven years old . I have been married for ten years to my husband Philip Wilder . I am a stay at home mom who loves to cook , and take care of my family . Even though I am a fictional character from the book , THE PERFECT WIFE , many women can relate to my life , and experience what I experience . I could be you . I hope that you enjoy my blog . Friday , September 18 , 2015 Philip came home early today , and told me that he talked to Mark about a promised plane ride for Derek . They are doing it tomorrow ! I 'm speechless ! If I haven 't mentioned it already , Mark is a former Navy pilot , who gives lessons on the side at an airport about a half hour away . He also takes kids and their parents for rides once in a while ( for a price , but I think that he 's doing us a favor on his day off ) . I trust Mark , and I believe that he is an excellent pilot ( not that I 'd ever go up in the air with him ) , but this is my baby we 're talking about ! This revelation has put me in full blown panic mode . I think that I 'm going to be sick ! Of course , Derek is very excited . His mom ? Not so much . I thought that the three of them had forgotten about the stupid idea , of which I put the kibosh on months ago - - or so I thought - - or I hoped that they would have forgotten it . Now , I am stuck , just like in August , when they talked me into Mark taking him on a motorcycle ride . Once again , I 'm on the spot . If I say no , I will solidify my standing as a worrisome , panic - stricken helicopter mom ( that 's me . . . nice to meet you ) . I can 't even bring myself to join them . I can 't watch my little guy get in that plane and fly away from me - - I just can 't . I 'll just stay home , pray , or do some kind of calming exercise - - like Yoga . I 'll probably throw up a couple of times as well - - this news is doing wonders for my already tricky stomach . I will not be relaxed until I see my boy walk in that door . I just want to know how long those two idiots ( Philip and Mark ) have been cooking this up , and why didn 't either one of them tell me before now ? I 'm also wondering HOW in the world they have kept the secret from me . They know how worried I get - - well I guess that explains it . They did not want to tell me . Philip wanted to surprise Derek , and once Derek found out today , there was no turning back . Our little " not so natural " , Derek , was back on the field chasing butterflies and his shadow all at once . I think that 's it 's really cute , but I know that it drives Philip nuts to see his son get lost in the joy of being outside in the elements , rather than concentrate on exactly where the ball is . He also misplayed a couple of balls which lead to goals for the other team , and did not play much in the game after that - - warming the bench as usual . Derek can 't help himself , though . It is the way that he is . He has never really been excited about playing sports , because he 's not very good at it , but is pushed into it because Philip thinks that it is important for him to be in a team situation . I do not know if that is true . He 's already in the boy scouts , and the school choir , and I think that he has a good amount of peer interaction . I really don 't see how playing a sport that you are not very good at will help you become more popular . Philip doesn 't see it that way , and is determined to stick to his guns . Maybe I 'm too protective . A friend of mine has told me so , and I trust his judgment , even if I do not agree with him . He thinks that I baby Derek too much . He has often said that Derek needs to get out there , get himself dirty once in a while , and not spend so much time on the computer or video games . Should have known better than to ask him for his opinion , because I know how he thinks . He 's worse than Philip . These guys always seem to stick together when it comes to the idea of toughening up the boys . Derek had a great first day of second grade today . He loves his new teacher , and met a new friend who sat next to him at lunch . It 's nice to see my son so happy . Usually I dread September , because of Derek 's struggles making friends , but I have a great feeling about this year - - for both of us . I hope that the smile on his face continues . While he was at school , I took care of the household chores that have been piling up . It 's amazing how much I have missed over the summer . I worked my butt off today - - did the Tuesday chores , but also Wednesday 's chores as well . I worked hard today because I have a meeting tomorrow that I have been looking forward to , and I do not want to miss it . I will not be able to be home until right before Derek comes home , but , I am well prepared because I made a lasagna ready to throw into the oven for dinner . All will be finished by the time that Philip comes home from work . I 'm thinking ahead and back to the prepared Mom that I usually am . Philip is taking Derek out early tomorrow , and returning in the late afternoon . That means that it will be a free day for mom ! I don 't have many of those , especially in the summer , so I am truly looking forward to it . I really don 't know what I 'm going to do . I really do want to relax , but first I was thinking of doing a little walk in the park after yoga in the morning . Maybe I 'll ride my bike . Then later , I 'll sit in the backyard with a glass of lemonade and read a book . It will be quiet enough to do that . One thing that I will definitely not do is house work . Tomorrow , I 'm going to be lazy , and think only of myself - - for once . No worries , no problems - - all relaxation . Can 't wait . I did not lose weight this week , in fact , I gained a pound . I was one pound away from twenty , now I 'm two pounds . Maybe it was the amount of food that I made on Monday , or the brownies that I ate . I had a lot to think about , and when I 'm stressed , I eat . When I think , I eat . I am a stress eater . Last night , I went for a walk to clear my head , and afterwards I became more determined than ever to get the bad feelings out of my head . No more feeling sorry for myself . I 'm making a comeback ! I 've been good today , and I 'm planning on keeping it that way . I 'm back on track and everything is back to normal . No more slip - ups ! I made his favorite food . I put our son to bed early . I tried to get his attention , but was rejected . . . again . I don 't know how much more my ego can take . I 'm mortified . A half - hour ago , after he went to bed ( IN THE GUEST ROOM ) , I was literally crying in the bathtub and praying for guidance . Now , I 'm sitting bleary - eyed in front of the computer , and I 'm still miserable . I wish that I had a husband that did not take me for granted - - I really do . I desperately need support from him so that my mind does not start to wander . The problem is that I know exactly where to find the support I need , but it 's not an option . I wish it were that easy . I 'm going to a wedding tomorrow . Philip 's cousin Charlene is getting married , and we are leaving at about eleven in the morning . With all that has been going on lately , I have forgotten the fact that I had to buy a new dress for the occasion . Shopping for me has always been an all day nightmare . So I dropped off Derek at Chloe 's , and I went to the mall . I went to my usual store , and to my surprise , it did not take long for me to find what I was looking for . I brought it into the dressing room , but when I tried it on , it was TOO BIG ! Hooray ! It 's funny that I didn 't realize that losing fifteen pounds would make me have to try on ten different dresses ( I should have brought Chloe with me to hand dresses over the door ) , but I was happy to run back and forth . The usual shopping nightmare was a happy occasion , and I finally found the perfect dress . It looks absolutely wonderful on my slimmer body . I haven 't reached my goal weight yet , but yet I can 't even describe how happy I am ! I feel like a new woman ! I can 't wait to show off the new me ! Mark is home from the hospital . He had an accident a few days ago and totaled his motorcycle . Thank God that he was wearing a helmet because it could have been much worse than concussion symptoms . His mother is coming to stay with him for the week , but until then , we 're going to look after him for two days ( me and Derek ) . I made him dinner and cleaned his house for when he came home . God forbid it looked like that when his mother came over . He is not exactly a neat nick . I didn 't think that anyone could eat so much pizza and still look like he does . I 'm glad to be able to help him out for a change . Between the car repairs , rides home , and last second babysitting , this was the least that I could do . Hopefully , he will be back to himself after the week is over . Right now , he is not . He is cranky and bored - - like an overgrown baby . He actually tried to talk me into letting him mow his lawn for some odd reason . I told him that if I saw him out there , I would break both his arms . He pouted , but he listened . It 's nice to have someone listen to me , for a change . It 's was Mom 's night out . Me , Chloe , Theresa ( and unfortunately Roberta and a couple of her friends ) . I met them there because Philip had to work on Saturday , so I was a little late . I was drinking iced tea - - I swear . We were at a popular place called the Landing , which is a restaurant in another town . It is popular because it has a deck that overlooks the lake . There was a band playing old classics in the corner of the deck and we were at a table out there , having a good time . Then I saw a friend of mine show up with a date , and suddenly I was agreeing to take a shot from a pitcher that two young men had sent over for the table of rowdy women . Big mistake . Sunday is pretty much a blur . Philip 's parents , sister , husband and extremely loud kids came over for Philip 's birthday party . Luckily , I was well prepared for that . Sometimes being organized has its advantages . It was a bit noisy , and I was so thankful when they left and I could finally call Chloe and find out what really happened the night before . Highlights : She told me that I dropped by Mark 's table and ruined his date ( he was the friend with the date , and I don 't remember doing that ) . She also informed me that when it was time to leave , I was adamant that I was fit to drive . She enlisted Mark ( the cop ) to convince me not to drive home . He volunteered to drive the van , and his date followed in her truck . Talk about embarrassing . I tried my best to avoid running into Mark , and did not see him until today I went to the old age home . I went to visit Frank and Mark was there visiting his grandfather who is - - get this - - Frank . Small world , isn 't it ? Frank was not in his room at the time , and as we waited and talked , I made sure that I apologized to Mark , and thanked him for making sure that I got home safe that night . Regarding Frank , there was something alarming that happened . Frank has been getting a little confused , lately . I saw it before , and today , Frank was nowhere to be found . After a search , we found him in another room on another floor . At first , he didn 't know who I was , then later , he thought that I was Mark 's wife . I found this very troubling , and I could see the concern in Mark 's face . I hope that isn 't a sign of things to come . I lost another two lbs . Yeah , Victoria ! I just happened to get my new bathing suit in the mail from Land 's End just in time . It 's a blue one - piece , and it looks terrific , I must admit . I actually wore it without the over - sized t - shirt ! Well , I didn 't actually flaunt myself . I was talked in to taking off the so - called " hideous sunflower t - shirt " . Once on the beach , I managed to avoid the other women on the beach with their wine and cheese , and annoying children who love to pick on Derek . Or they purposely did not see me , like I purposely did not see them . I sat in my usual spot , pulled out a book , saw that Derek was having fun playing with some other kids , so I started to read . I think that I started to doze off , but then heard a very familiar voice asking if he could sit down . I saw that it was Mark , and I was surprised to see him at the beach , but I said yes . Thank God he didn 't bring up the dinner fiasco . I was happy about that . Two minutes later ( or was it seconds ? ) , Roberta came jogging over like she was auditioning for Baywatch , and invited Mark over for wine and cheese ( and oh yeah , me too ) . To my surprise , and probably his as well , he politely declined saying something about working the late shift . Roberta smiled ( fakely - - is that a word ? ) , asked if he liked her skimpy bikini ( he said he did - - I wanted to puke at this point ) and then bounced all the way back to the woman 's meeting on the beach . It really wouldn 't have made a difference if he joined them or not because I was there alone to begin with , however , it was nice to know that he wouldn 't dump me for a group of adoring women . I think that he 's growing up ! Then he busted my chops because I was wearing the over - sized beach t - shirt , and he hates when I wear them ( I won 't tell you how he said it , but it was back to the old Mark ) . He said that I shouldn 't cover up the fact that I 've lost weight . I was stunned , because I didn 't think that he noticed that I 've lost twelve pounds ( nobody else seemed to notice ) . I actually asked him advice on how to get Philip 's attention , and after rolling his eyes , he intimated that Philip should be more worried about getting my attention , which made me laugh . Then he said that I should walk around wearing the bathing suit , and that would definitely get Philip 's attention . I think that I may have blushed . I did not cave with the wine and cheese at the beach . When I made lasagna for the family , I ate a salad with grilled chicken , and then I sent the second tray next door ( owed him because he did me a huge favor ) . I 'm walking twice a week , going to the gym once a week and doing yoga on the other days . I 'm brainwashed , and I feel great . Let me just start out by saying that Philip is on a business trip and is gone all week . Chloe is also away . So , of course it is the perfect time for disaster to happen . I was at the mall with Derek , and it was about 100 degrees out there , so we went to the movies , stopped for ice cream , etc . When we walked to the van in the parking lot , we were hot and sweaty and I wanted to turn on the AC immediately , drive home and make the lasagna for the church picnic tomorrow . Guess what happened ? So here it is , hot as hell , and we 're stranded at the mall . I immediately called triple A , and then I found out that my membership was not found , or it was expired - - I don 't quite remember what the person said , because I was too busy watching beads of sweat blind my eyes . It didn 't help that Derek started to complain that it was hot . After going over my options , I decided to see if Mark was home and test this new friendship of ours . Thirty minutes later he arrived with some woman named Barbara or Becky or whatever her name was . He told me that I was out of gas , but in my defense , he said that it was probably a gas gauge problem ? He said that he didn 't mind bailing me out , but I could tell that I threw a wrench into his afternoon . I finally made it home , and was a little late to start making the lasagnas . I put on the oven to heat up , but it didn 't heat up . The stove was working , but not the oven . I tried to call Chloe , but there was no answer , Then I remembered that she was on vacation . Then I remembered that someone else was home . As I arrived with the uncooked lasagna , Becky or Barbara or whoever was walking out the door , mumbling obscenities under her breath . Mark tried to convince her to stay , but there was no use . I don 't know what her problem was . I was only using the kitchen . I 'm so proud of Derek . Just got back from the baseball awards ceremony . I know that everyone gets a trophy in this league , but it 's his first one . He was so excited , and I was ecstatic to see his little eyes light up . I love that kid so much . When I found out that I was getting a new neighbor to replace the much beloved Girardi 's , I was a little disappointed that a family wasn 't moving next door . There were no children for Derek to play with , and no mom for me to bond with . My neighbor turned out to be a 40 - ish year old bachelor , but I still figured that I 'd give him a chance . Well , on the night he moved in , there was a thunderstorm . I should have taken that as an omen . He was nice at first , but soon after that I realized that I didn 't like him . He turned me off as soon as he sat down at my table and started to talk . I don 't know what it was about him - - his cocky attitude , his tattoo or the way that he thinks that he is better than anyone else . Derek and Philip seem to like him - - of course . I call it a sort of a hero worship . He has this enviable ( to them , anyway ) bachelor lifestyle . Women everywhere , a pilot 's license ( used to be in the navy ) and drives a stupid motorcycle that he restored himself . He even promised to take Derek for a ride in both . I can tell you one thing - - he will have to drive over my dead body . Well , I guess that I 'm not going to get what I wanted as far as the new next door neighbor thing goes . Word has it that my new neighbor is going to be a forty - year old bachelor with no children . Oh well . I guess that Derek will not get his new playmate . THE GIRARDIS ARE GONE . It was a date that I had been dreading for a while . Derek is beside himself because his best friend is gone . Lots of hugs and good luck wishes , and then Derek sat on his bed in his room , heartbroken . I can only hope that whoever buys this house next door is at least on half the type of people that the Girardis are . I am going to miss my friends , and will try to stay in touch , but they moved to Texas . They may as well have gone to the moon . We probably will never see them again . Well the tree is down and the Christmas decorations are put away . It 's January 7th . It 's kind of depressing , really . It seems that every year , I get so caught up in the lead up to Christmas . I baked cookies like a madman . Shopped at the mall for family and friends . Ran here and there , visiting the old age home , etc . I had Derek 's picture taken at Sears and had it made into photo cards , then sent them out . Before I knew it , Derek 's Christmas concert happened , and Christmas was right around the corner . December seemed to go so fast . Too fast . So now it 's a new year , 2015 . Our neighbors are moving away in a month . Derek has to fit as much playtime as he can with his best friend before he moves to their new house in Texas . I 'm not looking forward to it , and I have no idea what to expect from a new neighbor . They have not sold the house yet . Posted by Philip is taking Derek out early tomorrow , and returning in the late afternoon . That means that it will be a free day for mom ! I don 't . . . I lost another two lbs . Yeah , Victoria ! I just happened to get my new bathing suit in the mail from Land 's End just in time . I . . . It 's was Mom 's night out . Me , Chloe , Theresa ( and unfortunately Roberta and a couple of her friends ) . I met them there because Phil . . . I tried . I swear to God , I tried . Desperate times calls for desperate measures , so I tried . I made his favorite food . I put our son . . . |
One thing I 've noticed is that I often write of songs and sermons . I find myself always listening and waiting for God to speak to me , and He does through both of these things . I use these words to fill empty time with the prevention of letting my thoughts wander back to our dark day of loss . So often , after a huge trauma , I think that it is easy to let emotions overtake you . I know I have struggled with this . I have fought off panic attacks and I have found myself weeping uncontrollably , but yet I have to stop and say , Your still God and You know . When the pain is too much to take , God can help me . Yet I know , that when I start to feel this way , I need to do something to keep my mind busy . For a while I was searching for something to do just that . That is when I decided to start this blog to fill my time . I notice that it has helped me so much to read more , write more , and listen more . After you lose a child , it 's very challenging to go through days in the normal way you used to . I struggle with many difficult visions and memories that break my heart . Sometimes , these things are hard to shake after what I 've been through in losing Maddie . I 'm constantly praying that God can take the bad memories , and leave the good . And everyday , He does . For we know that Job never did challenge God . He was a good and faithful servant . Although , Job did have to get himself to a certain place in his life . Once he did this , it was then when God blessed him . Job had to get the the place where He was in prayer . Not only did he just pray , he prayed for something , someone in specific . He prayed for his friends . I know I find myself in prayer somedays just rambling on about this or about that . I know God knows my heart , but I have learned to be better about my prayers . I need to be going to the Lord with certain things in mind , and completly pray for those things knowing God will hear them , and if it 's His will , answer them . I pray . I pray for my friends . What a simple lesson is being learned here at the end of the book of Job . I am so very thankful for the power of prayer . I 'm thankful for a Father who is willing to listen to my prayers . Thank you from the bottom of my heart . For I know it is you who are lifting my name up to our Heavenly father and He is carrying me through . Night after night , Rick and I go to the Lord in prayer . Some nights , we even fall asleep praying for our sweet friends . It helps us to know that we are going to God on our friends behalf , and it helps us to keep our minds busy as we slip off into sleep . What a blessing . I want blessings on my life , like Job . I want to be counted faithful to the Lord like Job . I want to be a witness of true character and strength like Job , and I 'm asking God to help me with this daily . I 'm so thankful that when I feel at my lowest point , God can lift me up as I lift up others . Oh the power of prayer for our friends . May I continue to keep my mind busy and contained through a faithful prayer life in this very thing . " It 's saturday morning on the 19th of Feb . and I just wanted to let you know I prayed for you and your family today . You are in our prayers often , and are very loved . I have a poem that I love because it reminds me that some of our most painful struggles , are God 's way of making us beautiful . You and Rick are a real example of this your lives are so much more beautiful because of Maddie . " Andrea A man found a cocoon of a butterfly . One day a small opening appeared . He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours , as it struggled to force it 's body through that little hole . Then it seemed to stop making any progress . It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could , and it could go no farther . So the man decided to help the butterfly . He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon . The butterfly then emerged easily . But it had swollen body and small shriveled wings . The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that , at any moment , the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body , which would contract in time . Neither happened ! In fact , the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings . It never was able to fly . My sweet friend , Andrea said , " Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life . If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles , it would cripple us . We would not be strong as what we could have been . And we would never fly . " Isn 't that amazing ? It pretty much sums up exactly how I 've been feeling . God has such a plan for our lives , all the way down to the little butterfly . I know so often I want to rush things and hurry things along . I want things to be a certain way , and by a certain time . The fact of the matter is , everything takes time , and if we WAIT on Him , God 's timing will be perfect . = ) We don 't know why certain " trials " come into our lives . I like to come up with reasons why and learn lessons from them , but only God knows for sure . He knows the end of the story . My heart still hurts everyday for my sweet girl , and I would be lying if I told you I was back to 100 % . I 'm not . Not even close . So , as you walk through trials and temptations , just know like that little butterfly , something more beautiful will come if we allow God to use us . God wants our lives to be full of beauty and grace . He wants us to enjoy life . I 'm learning that God is making my life more beautiful because of how I 'm walking through this journey with Him . I 'm so thankful for that . Just know that in His time , if you wait on Him , God will help you to be able to spread your wings and fly . And you too , can add such beauty to this world just like the beautiful butterflies . = ) Ugh . . . Not a good start to the day . Considering that my spare set was also with my Hubby at work . I had no groceries in the fridge , and I just can 't stand the thought of feeling stranded . . . I spent the morning " grumpy . " I just hated when my morning 's started off bad . Maybe I was more mad I couldn 't go get my Sugar free vanilla iced coffee from McDonald 's , that I was totally craving . Either way , it didn 't matter . 11 : 00 rolled around and we were off to speech . My sweet friend Angel came to pick Eli and I up to drive us . We jumped in her truck and we went . She started talking about my sweet Maddie Grace . She told me how much Maddie had changed her life and what she meant to her . What a relief ! Someone wanted to talk to me about my Madeline . I know I find it often here , but in other settings not many people bring her up . In other places not behind a computer , but in the real world , it 's a soft subject . She said . " I know your heart is broken and I know you are missing her so much . I just want you to know that as time goes on , it will get a little easier . Over time , your heart won 't feel quite so heavy . You 'll be able to breathe a little better . Some days I still wake up with such a heavy heart , but the truth is , losing my Mom has changed me , and I don 't want to forget that . So I 'm okay with waking up with a hurting heart , because it reminds me of my Mom and why I hurt . " She went on to tell me about her sweet Mother , and the namesake for her precious daughter , Beverly ( who is one of my SS girls ) . She talked about what a wonderful Christian woman her Mother was , and how much she and everyone else adored her . For her mom had passed away while she was expecting her daughter , and her other daughter was still very small . She told me that she never imagined to have lost her Mom at such a young age , but , God had shared some precious things with her . She said " My mom passed away on January the 11th . " Stunned I listened , " The day of Maddie 's funeral I had a hard time , but I convinced myself I was going to do this for my Mom and for Maddie . " I couldn 't believe that it was 1 / 11 . Maddie Grace 's original due date , and the day of her funeral . I would 've never known that was her Mom 's day too . I continued to listen . She said " My Mom passed away at the age of 52 . I couldn 't understand why she had to go so young , and I knew that she could have done so much more with her life . I remembered in God 's word where it talks of a life being 70 years . I wrestled thinking , yes , 70 years is a long life . My mom was gone in 52 , and she could 've done so much more in a longer lifetime . . . It was then that God showed me , " Angel , she accomplished what she needed too in 52 years , so be glad that she fulfilled her purpose quickly , for she got done early . " She then told me that even though she missed her Mom and would 've loved to have had her longer , she got done early . She had fulfilled God 's purpose in her life , and it was her time to go home . " And Natalie . . . Maddie fulfilled her life 's purpose in 2 days . " ( Chills ) " She accomplished a lifetime of work in just 2 short days , and YOU should be so proud of her for that . " = ) By this point I was really crying . What a thought ! My sweet little princess has already done a great work for the Lord . For she has crowns to show for her little life , and one day she WILL throw those crowns at the feet of Jesus . How precious is that ? How good is God ? Angel and her sweet husband also bought this beautiful framed hymn for us , and had it placed at the funeral among the flowers . On the back of the frame she typed the sweetest note . At the bottom of the note read the words , " Though we may never understand God 's plan , I pray you find comfort in knowing , God is watching over you . " I was clinging onto her words , so thankful for the things God had given her to share with me that day . In that moment , I felt so blessed . I was blessed by my daughter , and blessed with this sweet friend . I felt so encouraged by how Angel was helping me in that moment , on that day . It made me want to do the same for so many others . Ultimately , that is why I 'm writing this blog . I 'm writing for my heart to heal , yes . . . But , also to share my experiences and the advice I 've been given , to help so many others . Oh may this not fall on deaf ears . May people see that sometimes sharing an experience from a loss or heartache , can be such an encouragement to someone else who is going through a trial . I praise the Lord for my friend " Angel " that day . = ) God knew I needed her friendship and her words . May God use MY words in a great way as well . For we all are hurting , for different reasons . If we could come together and encourage each other , wouldn 't this world be so much easier to live in ? I think so . = ) I woke up this morning with a lump in my throat . Today was a day I have been dreading for a while , because today was my postpartum appointment . It has only been 5 weeks , but this was the day I was scheduled to go in . All morning long I kept thinking about walking into that office without my baby . What would I say ? How would I react ? How would everyone else react to me ? I didn 't want to go . I wanted to crawl back in bed and pretend like none of this was happening , and this day didn 't exist . I remembered the other times I had this appointment after I had the boys . I brought them with me and showed them off . They were showered with so much attention and love . For there is nothing sweeter than a brand new baby . I couldn 't help but want to have that same experience this time around . My eyes wandered up to the floor where we were when our little girl came into our lives . So many sweet memories , including my " perfect " day I spent with her as visitors came to see us on January the 7th . Then I thought of the night we were dismissed , and we loaded Madeline 's carseat into the van and we headed home with our girl . I had no idea that night what was in store for our lives . I was just happy to be going home with my new baby girl . What memories . . . He took my hand and led me toward the entrance . My eyes caught the statue of the little girl holding the bird up to the sky . ( sigh ) A statue that meant so much to me and gave me such comfort before , visit after visit . Now , I looked at it completly different . Yes my little birdie was okay and this still brought me peace , but she just wasn 't with me and this made me so sad . We went in the doors and made our way over to the office . The moment I walked through the door my eyes filled with tears . I could barely see the sign in sheet to write my name . Ugh . I walked out and gasped for breath as he caught me . I told him I couldn 't do it . I couldn 't go in there , it was too fresh , to much . Before I even got it out , the nurse was coming out to get us . That was the longest walk down the hallway , and I felt like everyone was looking right at me . The nurse caught eyes with me and I started fighting back more tears . I could tell in her eyes she knew . I was a little sad that I didn 't get my favorite nurse that day , and I was wondering if she was there or not . I would always get so excited when I would walk in and see her , but I just figured she was off that day . actually have the baby in your presence . I just have the baby weight and it 's a bummer . After she left the room , I looked over at Rick . I didn 't have to say a word , it was written all over my face and it was also on his . I was a mess and he could tell . Month after month , I came here . Smiling and anticipating , I came to check on my sweet baby . It was here that I heard her heartbeat . It was here that I heard " it 's a girl . " I hated being there and I was missing her . Just then , there was a knock at the door . It opened and in walked ( my ) nurse . She was there that day ! This sweet nurse had been there and walked through my entire pregnancy with me , along with my previous misscariage . She always made me smile and encouraged me that my weight gain was " ok " , and the baby looked and sounded great . We had many conversations about our boys and being Mom 's . I just adore her , she 's the best . She wrapped her arms around me and just held me . We both sobbed and she told me how sorry she was . She didn 't even have to tell me , I could feel it and it meant the world to me . She told me about the day my Doctor told her the news and how she couldn 't believe it . I still couldn 't either . I thanked her for her card and for thinking of me . It was so sad that Maddie 's loss had reached even her . She was loved by so many . She knew how excited I was about my " girl " and I could tell she was heartbroken for me . It meant the world that she went so out of the way to show me she cared . What an amazing lady , and I have had the priveledge to have her as my nurse . It 's people like her that don 't just do their job , but go above and beyond to make people feel good . She did that day . After that my sweet Doctor came in . If you are around me often , you know how much I adore my Doctor and talk of him . We have been through a lot together . He was there through Elijah 's pregnancy and delivery . He was there through my miscarriage and he had done my D & C . He performed my Laprascopy procedure , and of course , he delivered Madeline . You know you have an amazing Doctor when you look forward to going to see them . Even though the circumstances were so sad this time , I felt a relief knowing that I could see him and talk with him . He asked how Rick and I were doing and went on to comfort us in so many ways . He talked about Madeline 's delivery and how beautiful she was . He told me how all the nurses loved having me as a patient , and how they said I was sweet . He told Rick that everyone around there " loved " me and I brightened everyone 's days with my smile . = ) He mentioned he didn 't like seeing me sad now . He said I 'm his happiest patient ! ( I totally believe this too , because I love being pregnant ! ) He reminded Rick and I to stick together and stay close through this hard time . We mentioned to him our faith and that God was helping us through this , and he told us he was proud of us . It was precious . He went on and encouraged us to heal however we feel is best . If we wanted to have another or more babies , we could . He told me that I do beautifully in pregnancy and delivery . = ) This encouraged me . He asked if there was anything he could do to help us and I told him that he already had done so much . Rick gave him a picture of Madeline to keep as a reminder of our sweet girl . He was so sweet and understanding of everything we said . I actually found myself smiling after talking to him . I walked away from that appointment very encouraged . A day that I had been dreading , turned out to be a blessing . It was like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and it was such a relief . Rick and I left the hospital feeling so much better . I was so glad that God gave me such a good appointment , and I was thanking Him for such an amazing nurse and Doctor . I don 't think they will ever know how much they encouraged me that day . As we walked to the parking lot , Rick held my hand and told me he was taking the rest of the day off . He wanted to take me to lunch . I just love him ! It was like love was holding us together , and it was the beginning of the first day of the rest of our lives . We made it . We 've completed all of the difficult tasks that I have been dreading . We made it through the funeral , the first month mark , the first holiday and now our appointment . Of course there will be many other difficult tasks in grieving our baby girl , but we have made it so far . Rick and I decided that day , we were ready for whatever road God was going to take us down next . He has lead us along so far , and we have trusted in Him through it all . I 'm so thankful for God 's love , and I 'm so thankful for Rick 's love . I 'm one lucky girl . = ) We sat down at the table and just talked and shared our hearts with each other while we ate . We were wondering what God had in store for us . We were wondering how many more lives Maddie would touch with this ministry she has given us . We were smiling and we were excited . Finally , we felt like we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel . Yes , we still miss our girl , but it was like finally we knew we were going to be okay . Yes , we will still have breakdowns and " hard " days , but God will help us through . I know I 've said this time and time again , but I have to go to God everyday for strength and grace to get through . And guess what ? Day after day he helps me and I 'm so thankful for that . I 'm so thankful for such an amazing God ! I 'm thankful for a wonderful husband , nurses and doctors who are helping me travel down this road . I 'm so thankful for family and friends in this wonderful life I 'm living . And even though I miss her more than words can express , I 'm so thankful for Maddie Grace and for the grace she has taught me in this life . God 's grace is sufficient , always and forever . I 'm so thankful for His grace . Well , it finally came , another first I would have to get through without my sweet Maddie Grace . This time is was my first holiday without her . If you know me , you know how big holiday 's are to me . I 've always loved going all out for our boys , and making many special memories for them . My Mom always had a way of doing this for my brother and I , and it has carried on as one of my traditions . I love the detail of the " little things " in life and I enjoy doing them . I 'm the Mom who buys the " first " everything from the onsie 's , to the bibs , and even the socks . = ) I take pictures like it 's going out of style and I cherish every minute . I love all the milestones in my sweet babies lives . I wish so much I could go through each and every one of these milestones with Maddie . It is a holiday that I love and look so forward to . What 's not to love ? Lots of red and pink , hearts and love , yummy treats and kisses . I have always loved this sweet day and I was really excited about it being Maddie Grace 's " first " holiday with us . So , as the day came and she wasn 't here , I felt a little down inside . I woke up trying to put on my brave face and smile . Never letting on to anyone that my heart was completely broken and I was falling apart inside . I took Noah to school and dropped off cupcakes and cookies . I spent the day there watching him smile and laugh with all his classmates . All the kids were full of sugar , and loving every minute of their Valentine Party . Noah was thrilled that his valentine box won first place . Elijah was just excited to see Noah and his classmates , as I snapped pictures for the yearbook . I sat and listened as the high school class presented poems and I snapped more pictures . One of the poems talked of a " sparrow " and of course I was tearing up . I was really missing my little birdie girl . After I left the party , I ran to get the boys a special Valentine balloon . I always give them special treats each year , and having had a busy weekend , I hadn 't had time to pick up any . So , I ran to get them one to have for after school . I stood in the store with two balloons in my hand , everything in me was trying not to break down . I had a moment of " it 's not fair " as I stood there with only 2 . I wanted to buy one for Maddie . I wanted her to be a part of this holiday that I had looked so forward to having with her . I wanted to put her in the Valentine tutu and " Daddy 's little Valentine " onesie that was in her drawer waiting for her . I wanted to put a big bow on her head and snap a million pictures for her scrapbook . I wanted to see my boys kissing her all day long . I wanted to kiss her too . I grabbed another balloon and made my way to the checkout with tears in my eyes . The cashier caught eyes with me and made small talk . I held back my emotions and pretended to be a happy girl with not a care in the world . Inside I was aching . I left the store and headed to the cemetery with my little red heart balloon . This was my second visit . I know it seems silly , and Maddie is in Heaven having no thought of my Valentine 's day breakdown , but for some reason it helped . I walked over to her little grave and stuck the little red balloon in the ground . She had her balloon too . I cried for a little while and sat there missing her . My arms are still aching so much to hold her everyday . Oh what I would give to kiss her sweet cheeks and snuggle her again on my chest . Oh what I would do to have her back in my arms and in my life forever . I know this can 't be , so in the meantime I will just miss her . Im not mad or angry . I just miss her , everyday , so much . For there is no cure for a broken heart , only prayer and time . Everyday , I pray for God 's strength and healing , and He does provide . I ask for His grace and He gives me much but in my heart I still hurt . In my heart , I still ache . In my heart , I still weep because I miss my little girl . I made my way back home feeling a little better . I grabbed the mail on my way inside and saw a box laying by my front door . I noticed the name on the box . Julie , a sweet friend from college had sent me a package . I opened the box and found this adorable little bear . How fitting and perfect for me that day . What a sweet reminder of my sweet girl . Once again , God found a way to cheer me up and send another little ( hug ) my way . My litte girl was remembered by not just me on this sweet day , but many others too , including Julie . I read in the card that she had debated sending this to me . I 'm sure glad she did . This thrilled my heart and I was able to smile . A little while later , I presented my little boys with their balloons and treats and they were completely thrilled . Oh the simple things in childhood , only if everyday we could find the joy in such sweet simple things . I spent the rest of my day with my little loves cherishing them and loving on them , still thinking of my little girl . As my husband came home that night , he knew . He could tell this was one of my " hard " days . He let me cry , he listened to me talk about her , and he reminded me how much he missed her too . He helped to make my holiday without her a little easier . Oh I am so thankful for him and his love . I am thankful for my little boys who love me like there is no tomorrow . For what greater gift of love is there than this ? For my heart may be completely broken and overwhelmed . I may miss my girl so much , but I know she is with God . And because of his love , I will see her again . For there is no love , like the love of God . It is the ultimate love story in this life . It has been just over a month since the funeral . I still can 't believe how slowly time seems to be going by . I guess when you spend your days missing someone , time can seem to go by slower . It was Sunday and I woke up with a heavy heart . I knew that a day at Church would definately cheer me up and so I pressed forward . When I got to Church and was heading up to my Sunday School class I noticed all of the visitors . The busses have been full week after week and we have had so many visitors stopping by the Church . It was so encouraging to see our entire auditorium completely full Sunday after Sunday . You can 't help but smile seeing that , no mater how heavy your heart may be . God has been doing an amazing work in our Church . It seems like a revival has broken out and I can 't help but feel like Maddie has been a part of that . You see , our whole Church lost her too . They miss her too . I 'm so thankful for such an amazing Church family who is taking our hands , and walking through this valley with us . We have been so fortunate to have so many wonderful people in our lives . If you don 't attend Church , you should find one . It 's like having another family who is there for you all the time . It really is a wonderful thing . So , as I headed upstairs , encouraged on this Sunday morning , I had no idea what God had in store for me . Once I sat down and saw the girl 's filing in , I sat in awe . My class was packed , and along with my regulars , I had 7 visitors that day . I opened my Bible and began to teach a lesson on facing giants in our lives . I taught on David and Goliath and wow did the Lord work . I noticed the intent eyes and ears as I taught and couldn 't help but take advantage of all the wonderful things that the Lord was giving me . At the end of the lesson , I began to give the plan of Salvation , never expecting that every little girl in their " knows " God and is saved . Many girls raised their hands that they knew for sure , but there was one who looked confused and unsure . After I dismissed class , I asked her to stay behind for a moment so I could talk to her more . Two of the other girls asked to stay too . I spent the next 20 minutes talking to them and helping them to better understand the Lord and his son Jesus Christ . The one girl , who at the beginning didn 't even know if she believed in God , by the end not only believed but was ready to trust Him ! ! ! Praise God . I 'm so thankful that God used me this day . I 'm so thankful that even in my deepest valley , God can still work . I 'm so thakful that 3 more people are headed to Heaven today . And I 'm thankful that they will get to meet my sweet Maddie Grace that I talked to them about . If that couldn 't cheer me up , I don 't know what would . Maybe it sounds strange , but Rick and I have both stated that leading a soul to Christ makes us feel closer to Maddie . It 's like we can feel connected to her knowing someone else will one day be where she is . I 'm so thankful for Heaven . As my day went on , and I was rejoicing , I was still struggling . I think that Satan looks for any window of opportunity to get in and discourage me . I was starting to really miss Maddie and by the time lunch was over , I was in tears . I cried all the way home and asked Rick if it would ever get easier . For my heart is still so full of sorrow and pain . He began to remind me of what had happened just earlier that morning and how God was working in our lives . He spent all Sunday afternoon holding me and loving on me . I 'm so blessed to have him . As we headed back to Church that night I was ready to hear him preach . Even though he runs his sermons by me and usually asks how they sound , it 's like he amazes me every time he stands behind that pulpit . My hubby has got some " preach " in Him ! = ) If you have never heard him , you should . He 's amazing and God has really blessed him with this ability and opportunity . So , that night he got up and began to preach on Job . As many of you know the story , Job was considered by God a faithful servant , a perfect ( mature ) and upright man ; One who feared God and fled from evil . He was a man who had much , 10 children , much livestock , and a great household . The Bible says in Job 1 : 3b so this man was the greatest of all men of the east . Satan ( as he will ) tried to get to Job . He questioned what would happen if the hedge ( God 's protective hand ) was removed from around him . He said that Job would curse God . Knowing the heart of His servant , God knew better . He knew Job would not turn his back on Him . He knew his servant . As I watched my husband stand and preach from this book of Job , listening to loss after loss that this man endured . I found myself rejoicing . Job overcame . He did not give in . He lost everything that he had , but he still trusted in and loved the Lord Rick said that night " This cross that my wife and I have to bear is ours . No one can bear it for us . And though some days it may be hard , God has counted us worthy to bear it . " ( CHILLS ) What a thought . In that moment , I wanted my girl to be proud . I want her legacy to live on . For as the angels were rejoicing of the Salvation 's in Heaven , she was there . She heard the cheering and the rejoicing . She was there and she was a witness . I hope she is proud of me . I 'm sure proud of her . I hope I can continue the rest of my days to remember that there is a higher calling and that it is to Heaven . I can 't wait to go there when the Lord see 's fit . I can 't wait to see all those who will be coming with me . I sure hope that you are going too . And if there is any way I can encourage you to make sure you know your going , I will . Please message me or email me if you would like to know more about getting saved . I always have time to share the Gospel . Please don 't wait , for as you know , we aren 't confident in tomorrow . Life can be so short . Maddie proved that to me . And so , as I go through my days I will continue to do my best to stay strong and to know that God has counted me worthy . I don 't know why , but He has . It has been said to me that this trial can make me " better " or it can make me " bitter . " Oh I want to be better . I want to like Job , live for the Lord all my days , and at the end of my life I hope that God will consider me a faithful servant . Day by day may I point people to Him . And though I will fall and I will fail , may I get up again and press forward . May my wonderful Saviour be proud of me . May my sweet girl continue to say about her parents " That 's my Dad , and that 's my Mom . " I love that . I love her . Thank you Lord for your blesings on me ! Today I woke up encouraged . Saturday 's have become a difficult day for me for many reasons , but I 'm trying to make them as positive as I possibly can for my husband and my boys . We have had a Saturday tradition for a while now , and have kept with it . We take our boys to a local restaurant every Saturday morning for brunch . It 's been a fun family time now for many months . Sometimes we go alone . Sometimes friends and family come , but we always go . It 's a little chaotic at times in between 20 trips to the bathroom and eyesight bigger than appetite trips to the buffet ; but we love it . It is a time on the weekend where we can sit down and just " enjoy " our boys . Noah is 5 years old and in Kindergarten this year . He absolutely loves school . He is very smart and is already reading ! He loves life and he loves his cousins , all 8 of them . = ) He loves his Mimi and Papa and Grandma and Papa and enjoys spending the night with them and getting spoiled rotten . He loves reading books and playing the Wii , computer and his DS . He is very sensitive and has the sweetest , softest heart . He 's a Momma 's boy when I 'm around , but as soon as Daddy walks in the door he is all about his dad . He wants to look , act and be just like Rick . It melts my heart . He loves his little brother but hates it when he is mean or steals his toys . = ) He accepted Christ as his Saviour on the night of Easter in 2010 . He can quote the entire Christian alphabet and has such a great memory for scripture . He loves doing devotions and reading Bible stories . Well , my little Eli is the complete opposite of Noah . He just turned 3 in December , although he looks like he 's 4 or 5 . He 's very tall . He is a little loud , rambunctious and ornery as can be . He has such a joy for life . He loves his Mommy like no other and is completley a Mama 's boy . = ) He has a very short attention span , but he loves to play games and sing songs . He loves to eat candy and many times I find him sneaking it out of our " snack cabinet . " He adores his big brother and wants to do everything just like him ! He enjoys anything physical like running , jumping , tackling , etc . He loves sports and I 'm pretty sure he will be very good at them . He is left handed and seems not to let it prevent him from doing anything . He is very smart and has a great vocabulary . Sometimes we just don 't know what he 's saying due to his speech delay , but he 's making so much improvement ! He spends his days by my side playing , singing and laughing . He is such a sweet joy . So , as you can see . We are blessed , so very blessed to have such precious little boys . I think so often how different my life would be without them . They are my life . They are my job . = ) And I wouldn 't want to be doing anything else but be their Mommy . So , as I continue to miss my sweet Maddie so very much , and wonder how different my days would be if she were here along with my boys ; I still have my sweet Noah and Eli who love me like there is no tomorrow . I have my sweet boys who trust in me to take care of them . What a job . So often I think I have taken " raising children " so lightly . And until I went through this heartache of losing a child , I know I did . Everything I say , everywhere I go , everything I do , affects them . They are like little sponges who soak up exactly what they see . They are me and they are Rick . We all want the best for our children . I think sometimes I may go a " little " overboard . I guess this is evident when it takes my kids 2 hours to open their presents on birthdays and Christmas morning . = ) Okay , yes I admit it . I do definately go overboard , but I am quickly realizing that the presents don 't last near as long as the memories we create . For they will outgrow the clothes and the toys , but they will always remember the words I say , how I act and what I do . Oh Lord , help me . Help me to be a wonderful mother . Help me to raise good strong boys who love you and serve you . Help them to see a mother who prays and trusts you . Help me . She said " just reading all your sweet blogs and my heart is just aching . . . even though I only met you once ( I think ) what a wonderful blessing you are ! ! ! No man could have a more wonderful wife and no children could have a more beautiful mother then you . . . . they will rise up and call you Blessed . " What a sweet compliment . It got me thinking about this verse . Proverbs 31 : 28 Her children arise up , and call her blessed ; her husband also , and he praiseth her . It made me sort of recharge and say okay , My Maddie is gone and I can grieve , but I need to be strong for my boys . At the end of my life , I hope that they can call me blessed . I want this to be true . I want to be a wonderful wife and mother and I need help , because I fail so many times on my own . I have been praying . I have been reading God 's word . I have been trying my absolute best to be more patient , but I feel I have been struggling to do so , because I have been lacking is sleep . I am still having such a hard time at night and I 'm not getting the rest that I need . As a result , I am tired and weak throughout the day ; and if you know my son Eli , you know that it takes bundles of energy to keep up with him and his fast pace . A sweet friend of mine , Chrissy , had sent me an inbox with this verse . Psalm 127 : 2 It is vain for you to rise up early , to sit up late , to eat the bread of sorrows : for so he giveth beloved sleep . I read that verse and it comforted me . Since I struggle at night and haven 't slept much since I lost Madeline , I 've been searching for verses on rest and sleep . I 've been praying for the Lord to help me sleep and let the nightmares stop . I took the time to read this verse and the devotional that went along with it . It encouraged me so much in that I need to make time for this beloved sleep . My heart is broken , yes . I feel like part of me is missing , yes , and some days the sorrow makes it hard to breathe . But . . . I still have a job to do . I have to rest because everyday when I wake up , I GET to be a mom to the sweetest two little boys this world has to offer . Oh my , what a job I have to do . My children are an heritage of the LORD ! Do you realize how powerful that is ? He gave them to me as his reward . Wow ! Yes , they have our last name Ross , but they are God 's children . They are of His heritage . I have given these babies to Him and He is trusting me with his sweet chldren . He is allowing me to raise them and teach them . Oh may I teach them that they are God 's children . May I teach them to love , honor and praise the Heavenly Father all their days . May I teach in the good times and in the bad , to praise God and thank Him for His goodness . It would be easy for me to fall apart and tell them that God took Maddie , but that would be a lie . For God gave Maddie . Maddie was His to give and when He chose to call her home , He knew what He was doing . Through the words I write now , I know what He is doing . He is using the precious life of my sweet girl to reach people ; to bring lives to Christ . For even at her funeral , people came to know the Lord . I 'm so thankful for this . My daughter is a soulwinner . My daughter is a missionary . Oh Lord may I be . May I teach my boys to be . May I live a life to please you . May I be a wonderful loving mother that at the end of my life , your heritage , my heritage ; can rise up and call me blessed . Thank you Lord for this priveledge of being a mother , may I never again take it lightly . May I remember that these little fruits of my womb are SUCH a reward ! Psalm 127 : 3 Lo , Children are an heritage of the Lord : and the fruit of the womb is his reward . I have chills tonight as I read all of your inboxes and messages of compassion and love . And though I may have had one person not sure of what to say this week , so many others have given me the perfect words of encouragement . I needed that . Thank you . I have been so very blessed to have so many amazing people in my life . Every single day , I am encouraged , and loved by all of you . Thank you again . On this day , something was weighing heavy on my mind . And as I read and searched and prayed , God kept allowing the same thought to come back into my memory . It was the answer to the question that so many had asked . How are you getting through this ? It was something I had heard my sweet husband preach about just a few days earlier . It was something that I knew , but struggled to allow happen in my life . It was something so simple , yet so difficult for me to do sometimes . One thing I have learned through loosing sweet Maddie Grace is this , I have let go of every ounce of pride that I had left . No more pride . No more " me . " Now , I have decided to let it be All GOD . All the time . Before all this , I felt like I was in control . I had a life exactly the way I had planned it . I was married . I had two sons and a daughter on the way . My life was perfect . I was complete . These were the words Rick and I both said numerous time the day Maddie was born and the day after . Our world was perfect . Perfect . My facebook status on 1 / 7 / 11 was Had a perfect day holding my girl and watching the snow fall . I 'm in awe of God 's goodness . We couldn 't have asked God for anything more . . . I always thought there was a certain " perfect " way things needed to be . How could I think I never needed to ask God for more . I need to ask God for everything in my life . Now that I look back I regret saying that . My husband and I have come to learn that we should NEVER again put a limit on the Lord . We will never again say something in such confindence , knowing that it is completely not in our hands . We will from now on say " what do you want Lord ? " " What is you will Lord ? " So many days , I have continued to walk through this life with my plan . A big plan of how my life should be . How big my family will be and by a certain time . What kind of house I should live in and how it should be furnished . How much money we should have and what kind of vacations we take . I was planning way in advace and believing in myself to get things done . I knew what I wanted , and I thought I knew how to get it . I was wrong . The fact of the matter is . . . It doesn 't really matter I want . God has a plan . He has had a plan all along , and though it may not be what I thought it should be , it is His perfect way and will . I surrendered my will to His so long ago , but my self will has always held on for a little in control . I have learned I have NO control . Only God . So , for years I have thought . This is my desire Lord , can I have it ? I 'm happy in you Lord , can I have it ? I have prayed for it , and many times it has been answered . The truth of the matter is . I can be happy in the Lord and delight in Him and He will give me many of the things my heart desires . What I really needed to be doing was searching Him more and making His desires mine , instead of trying to make my desires be His . I was praying all wrong . I believe God had this plan for her life all along . She was created with a purpose in mind . Would I have loved at any moment on that dark Saturday morning for the Lord to have put breath and life back into my tiny girl ? Yes . And I truly believe He could have . At any moment He could have , and I could be claiming the miracle that took place with my sweet girl the day she stopped breathing , but that wasn 't His will . As much as it hurts me , it just wasn 't . Someone said to me the day after we lost her and it kills me to even type this , " Why did God even give her to you if He was going to just take her back . " She was brought to this earth to change my life and so many others . She was created to draw me closer to my husband and the Lord . She has given us love and taught us compassion . She has helped make our house a home . She has taught me how to soulwin and be a better Christian . She has brought out the " best " in us in so many ways . She has done countless things with her beautiful 2 days of life than I could of in a lifetime . She has drawn me to the Lord . We may not see God face to face , but we can feel Him . I do , everyday of my life . I feel Him and He lets me see glimpses of Him too . I see Him through the Bible and in prayer . I see Him in this beautiful world He has created for me to live in . He talks to me through His word and different situations in my life . He shows up and gives me those " hugs " of His as He sends a little bird my way . When certain things " just so happen " . I know that 's Him . He was present when I heard " His eye is on the sparrow . " I could see Him in that snowglobe . He was holding my hand as I opened the pink bracelet . He sat with me as I listened to the story about the quilt . He knows . He cares . He is there . So , when I 'm standing in the middle of this forest of trials , and I don 't know which way is right . I can 't see anything except tall trees and burdens hovering over me , I take a step forward and tell myself " have faith " and another step " have faith " and another step " have faith . " You can not go the wrong way if you are walking with the Lord . He will lead you exactly where you need to go and if you let Him ; He 'll carry you . I 'm so very thankful that I have the Lord . He has shown himself to me in ways I didn 't even know I could see Him . I can see Him in the darkness when all hope of the light seems lost . I can still see Him . I know He held me up that morning at the hospital as I said goodbye to my Maddie Grace , and He has every day since . He 's there . . . For just seven and a half years ago , these words were part of a song played at our wedding reception . " You say it best , when you say nothing at all . " In other words , our love didn 't need to be spoken of . It was a look . It was feeling . Today , when others say nothing at all , I crumble a little more inside . A little more of me fades away . I recently read in a devotional book of another mother who has suffered a similar loss as mine . She said this , " You add to my pain when you choose to ignore it . " What words , what truth to me . For so many do not know what to say , but please , say something . When you know someone who is going through such pain or sorrow . Say something . This is a lesson that I have been learning , unaware of pain I may have been causing in the life of others . Unaware of what " silence " can really do to a soul . Thank you for being here with me , reading these words . You are saying that you care . You are saying that you love me and hurt for me . Thank you . It is because of so many of you that I have the courage to press on especially when I go through something like this . . . For the last 6 months , I have taken my sweet son ( Elijah Braden ) to speech class . He experienced severe hearing loss before the age of two and has had a hard time pronouncing his consonants . So , every Wednesday from 11 - 12 : 00 , we go to speech therapy . And for the last 6 months of my pregnancy , Maddie Grace came along , kicking and hiccupping , she came . Elijah 's therapist has been wonderful with him . She takes her time to help him and he has made so much improvement , but on this day ; I felt like she overlooked us . I felt as if she ignored our lives , our sorrow , and our pain . She didn 't say one word to me about losing Maddie . She didn 't ask how our family was doing and I felt that she was quite short with Eli and his " not quite there " attention that day . I had to explain to her that he too , had been through a lot . This was something she should of known . Our whole family was hurting , suffering . Our whole family has been affected . We haven 't just lost a baby . We have lost a family member . She was a daughter , a sister , a granddaughter , a niece . She had a life . She had weight in this world . I remember tearing up as I watched her with him . Again , I wanted to cry out . " Don 't you know ? Don 't you get it ? She 's gone . The baby that has come with me week after week . My belly that we discussed . Her name that you knew . Her ? She 's not here , do you know that ? Her room is empty and she will never spend one night around the dinner table with us . She 's not here . She 's not here . . . " But instead , I sat there silent , biting my lip and holding back tears , smiling at Eli as he finally got his k sound . As I left that day and the words " Good to see you back " were uttered to me . I was in shock , that was it ? It hurt so very much that nothing was said . I walked to my car and bawled . Would I be able to do this ? Could I go on ? I still have a swollen belly that reminds me everyday that she was here . Yet , I felt the whole world was moving forward and I wasn 't ready to . One thing I have learned through this is I will never forget . I feel so bad for those mother 's who have gone through this before me with whom I did not continue to talk about their sweet children and babies . The children that took part of their hearts when they left . Those sweet babies that made a difference in this world . I will never again forget to speak their names . So , please make me cry . Mention her name . Tell me what she means to you , but please . Please . Don 't forget my sweet girl . Maybe in time , I won 't need it as much , but for now , right now , I need to hear of my sweet Madeline Grace . I need to talk of my sweet Madeline Grace . I only have 2 days to last me a lifetime . I will do my best to live life praising and loving the One who gave her to me . But remind me . Help me , I need you . So , if you don 't know what to say to someone who 's hurting , that 's okay . Sometimes there are no words but just an " I 'm praying for you . " That is more than enough . For those of you who have taken the time . To those of you who have read , and written and prayed . To those of you who have mentioned her name and what she has meant to you . And there have been many . . . And thank you to my Lord who I know remembers the pain and the hole in my heart . The God who lifts me up and helps me to press on , everday . The same Lord who gave me His child in exchange for the payment of my sins . I am so grateful for this . Thank you , Lord for knowing my heart and saving me from my sins . Thank you Lord for your Son and thank you Lord , for my daughter . Isaiah 53 : 3 - 5 He was despised and rejected of men ; acquainted with grief : and we hid as it were our faces from him : he was despised , and we esteemed him not . Surely he hath borne our grief 's , and carried our sorrows : yet we did esteem him stricken smitten of God , and afflicted . But he was wounded for our transgressions , he was bruised for our iniquities : the chastisement of our peace was upon him ; and with his stripes we are healed . Later that day I asked Rick to take me to the cemetery . Cemetery ; a word I never imagined to be coupled along with the words containing my daughter 's name . It was a word I did not like and place I did not want to go , but I had to . After Church , my sweet husband drove me to the place where my sweet Maddie Grace was buried . A place where I know she is not , but her body is . A place that for the last month , I have been dreading walking through . As we drove through the gates , my heart broke all over again . The last time I came through here , I couldn 't find her grave . I didn 't know where it was . Part of me was relieved as I left that day , not having visited . The other part of me felt like I let her down , because I didn 't know where to go . So , as we continued through the gates , I wept . Rick had been before and knew the exact location . It was inevitable , I had to do this , it was time . As he drove around the curve , I found myself looking through tear filled eyes at all the others who have gone on before her . So many graves . So many hearts . I waited in the van as he walked around to get me . And like the day we left the hospital without her , I thought he might have to carry me out . . . I was weak . My precious Husband took my hand and led me toward her grave . Oh how my heart broke . We took about 40 steps and we were there . It didn 't seem real . I looked down and I saw the angel . The vase was filled with flowers , dead from time and the cold . This killed me . Just another reminder that she was gone . I remember telling Rick , " I thought the angel was bigger , are you sure this is hers ? " It was like I wanted him to tell me , no . Of course this isn 't hers . She isn 't here . As if the empty room wasn 't a daily reminder . The unfilled baby book was not enough to remember , that her story wouldn 't go on in those pages . As if the closet full of clothes and unused diapers was not enough of a reminder , that she really was no longer here . My mind was spinning . I looked down and saw the picture laying beside the angel . This was from my Mom , I could tell . There was another angel there , also from my Mom . She missed her too and I could see she had visited often . This broke my heart . I fell into Rick 's chest and he pulled me closer . We wept as we held each other standing over the place where my little girl was buried . I could see the fresh dirt underneath a blanket of snow . The hurt was still so very fresh on our hearts as well . I was weak . My eyes wandered to the other little graves surrounding hers . All the others who had traveled this road before us . And though this is a road I would never want anyone to have to travel down . We were not walking alone . I could feel all the hearts of Mommy 's and Daddy 's that were broken too . They knew this pain too . I was praying that they had comfort from the Lord as well . How do you go through something like this without God ? Without hope ? I bent down and placed the stone bird beside the angel . I noticed that the stone angel was holding a bird in it 's hands . I had forgotten seeing this . How apropriate for my birdie girl . I laid my hand on the snow and I told Maddie I loved her . One month , wow . It was a long 4 weeks of crying and praying myself to sleep . I 've had so many accepting moments now that my sweet love was no longer here . I knew that this visit would finish the list of the first 's according to her death . After the funeral , this was my next big step . I had taken it . Thank the Lord I know where she is . She is in the beauty of Heaven enjoying the Lord . She closed her eyes in this world and opened them to see Jesus . To feel Jesus . What a thought . What a blessing . How does anyone go to a place like this without hope . I couldn 't stand the thought if that was truly the end of sweet Maddie 's life . No more . I know that she is more alive now than she ever was on January the 6th . She is in her heavenly home with the Savior . This same Savior who has given me grace and has saved my soul , so I can one day go and meet Him and be reunited with my girl . I 'm so thankful for this promise . So , as Rick and I began to leave that day , with teary eyes , we still could rejoice . For Madeline is not here , she is in Heaven . This is just a place to go and remember . And also a place to remind me that death is real . Oh if I can be a better winner of souls , so they can go to Heaven too . So we can rejoice in hope and faith , and have the joy of Heaven waiting for us , along with Maddie Grace . We are not walking alone on this road . The Lord is carrying us , everyday of our lives he is holding our hands and walking with us . And one day , we will enter the gates of Heaven ! We will meet with our Lord and with our precious little girl ; Oh how I wait for that day ! Today it has been one month since Maddie Grace was born . I never imagined that I would be celebrating a one month birthday with Maddie not here , but in Heaven . I still can 't believe that one of the most joyous precious days of my life turned out in this outcome . But I do know this . I love her . With every part of my being , I love her . I would have given the world to her and if given the chance , I would 've given my life in exchange for keeping hers . She is my heart and my soul . I miss her . On January the 6th when she came into this world , my life changed . I became a mother to the most beautiful baby girl this world could hold . She has made me so much of a better person and she has taught me so much more about love and life than I knew existed . When I first set eyes on her that evening , I melted . What a precious gift . Holding her and snuggling her are still fresh in my mind . Her beautiful eyes looking up at me is a vision that will never leave me . I was her Mommy and she knew . She was my Maddie and she always will be . I will talk of her the rest of my life . I will share of her grace and how though her life God has given me His . I will remember watching my sweet Husband fall in love again with this child we created . I will remember how much she looked like him . Some days , I find myself staring at him as I picture her face . She loved him . I will remember the way that her 2 older brothers were in awe of her beauty . I will remember how they both just looked at her . I will remember how Eli said " She looks like me " and he was right . I get to see her everyday when I look at him . I will remember how she had Noah 's dimpled chin . The same chin I kissed over and over . I will remember how he calmed her . What a sweet moment . We won 't forget sweet Maddie . For how could we ? She was desired . She was created . She was delivered . She was us . And she was and still is loved . I think of the joy that entered our lives the moment she was born . And for 39 precious hours , she gave us pure joy and perfect love . I will never forget cuddling my sweet girl on my chest and feeling her snuggle her sweet face to mine . I will remember listening to her breathe and feeling her sweet breath against my skin . I will remember brushing her hair and watching her be so content . I will remember watching her smack her lips together while looking for food . I will remember feeding her and how loud she cried when I wasn 't . I will remember kissing her sweet cheeks over and over again . I will never forget . When the Lord called her home we were heartbroken and still are , but we remember . I remember kissing her goodbye for the last time knowing that my life was forever changed , never to be the same . I remember walking out of the hospital empty handed , feeling so helpless . I also remember the grace God has given me and continues to give me as I now walk a road of grief and sorrow . A road that no one wants to walk down . A road that has left me heartbroken and full of sadness , but still , God is good . For my God remembers me during this time and He knows exactly how to comfort me . He gives me peace . He gave me her . How can I say He 's not a good God ? He gave me Maddie . Maddie 's sweetness consumes me on a daily basis . I can 't help but think how much God must love us to have given us such a precious little girl . Then my mind wanders to how much more He loved us to have given us His Son . There is no love like the love of God . John 3 : 16 So on this 6th day of February , I remember . I will remember sweet Madeline Grace Ross who entered this world on January the 6th with a job to do . To bring more love than any family could ever imagine and to bring the grace of God to our lives . Psalms 71 : 3 - 7 For thou art my hope , O Lord GOD : thou art my trust from my youth . By thee have I been holden up from the womb : thou art he that took me out of my mother 's bowels : my praise shall be continually of thee . I am as a wonder unto many ; but thou art my strong refuge . Isn 't it amazing how God knows the perfect time to send someone by to encourage you ? I have been feeling blessed by this so many times since Madeline passed away . For example , just the other day I was telling Rick that I wanted to pick up something to take to Madeline 's grave site . I wasn 't sure where to find something like this and he told me , " Don 't worry , we 'll find something . " Not even 5 minutes later a sweet lady ( Conie ) showed up at my door with the most precious stone bird with the word grace written on it . It was perfect . Was it a coincidence again ? I don 't think so . = ) Isn 't she precious ? God knows . I have had so many moments like that . I 've received beautiful " pink " bracelets in memory of Maddie . I 've been given bird pictures , plates and frames . These are all such sweet reminders that my girl was here and continues on in so many hearts . I 'm so blessed by each of these things . On this particular day , God sent Rachel . She is a sweet friend of mine from college and one of the sweetest souls you 'll find . She came by the house because she had something for me . Little did she know that she brought by so much more than just a gift . Don 't you love it ? I searched and searched for one of these to go in Madeline 's nursery . I couldn 't find one . I love that she found me one to remember my precious birdie girl . As we sat and spoke about my sweet Maddie 's life , I was encouraged . She listened as I cried and she shared such sweet words about the beauty of her memorial service . We talked about how I 'm getting through this and God 's grace through it all . We looked at pictures and shared our hearts with each other . Then she told me something I 'll never forget . . . She said , " My dad once said that this life is like a quilt . " " When a child sits on the floor watching their mother stitch a quilt , all they can see from their view on the ground is random strings , knots and various threads . It looks messy and purposeless . But when the child sits on their mother 's lap and views the quilt from the mothers perspective , above it has a beautiful pattern . Every color , every stitch , every string has a place and is so pretty when woven together . " What a thought . . . Then she continued . What a thought . None of this makes sense to me . I don 't know why I only got to enjoy less than two days with my precious girl . I don 't understand why she was taken so quickly after she was given to me . However , God does . . . And His will is perfect . For He is looking down at that perfect pattern he has laid out for our lives . We can 't see anything but the strings and knots and threads . But God sees his work in progress and at the end of our lives , when our quilt is completed , it is exactly how God designed it to be . I love that . I want God to use my life in a great way . I want my quilt to be beautiful . And though I may not understand why my pattern is turning out how it is at the moment ; I 'm so glad that Maddie Grace was a part of this beautiful life . She has added to my quilt . She has added the perfect touch to my life in so many ways . And I 'm pretty sure , she has added to so many of yours . = ) When I opened my eyes this morning I knew it was going to be a tough day . Memories of the morning we lost Maddie Grace flooded my mind . I don 't know exactly what it was to remind me , but I was struggling in the darkness . The room felt strangely similar to that very same morning we lost her . I was having a hard time being in there surrounded by very fresh heart wrenching memories . I found myself weeping uncontrollably and feeling so much pain in my heart that I couldn 't breathe . Another day had gone by without her here and I was missing her with every ounce of my body and soul . My aching arms wanted to hold her as they do every day . I was truly missing my girl . Rick was still home that morning due to a huge ice storm that came in the night before . The house was so quiet and still I cold almost hear my heart beating . You see I search in the silence , for a comfort and for the Lord . I know He is always there , I just have to remember to go Him , when the silence overwhelms me and doubts fill my mind . I go to Him . I woke Rick with my hysterical crying and prayers and without saying a word . He knew . He held me as I cried and reminded me that " he missed her too . " This made me cry harder even though it was exactly what I wanted to hear . . . After a good while of weeping , I found myself with enough strength to pull myself up , even though I could have laid in that bed all day long . I didn 't have much energy that day , maybe as a result of another sleepless night . I 'm not sure . I just knew I needed to get up for my family . Sometimes I think for me that just having a good cry helps me . It doesn 't take away the pain but somehow it lets my heart release just a little bit of the weight that I 've carried since I 've lost my sweet baby girl . If you 've lost a child , you know the pain I 'm talking about . It 's a heavy burden that sits on your chest making it so hard to breathe sometimes . It 's a pain that is unexplainable and unbearable . My heart just hurts , everyday , it hurts . Everyday I cry and everyday , I miss her . Rick didn 't go in that day , surprisingly , his business still did not have any power and he was able to stay home with me . I couldn 't believe it . . . God knew I needed him . We went to pick Noah up from school later that day and we had received some news . A man by the name of Danny was in the hospital and Rick 's Dad was going to go see him . He had just had heart surgery and wasn 't doing very well . As Rick explained this to me I told him " you have to go ! " You see , Danny was one of the 2 people who had gotten saved at Maddie Grace 's funeral . He had been faithful to Church since and was really growing in the Lord . He went in for a Dr . visit and then all of the sudden he ended up in the hospital having open heart surgery . The doctors said that for being a 43 year old man , he had the heart of a 73 year old . They even thought at one point they were going to lose him . So , we drove to the hospital as we prayed for Danny . I couldn 't help but think of Maddie . I couldn 't help but thank the Lord that because of her short beautiful life and death , Danny had gotten saved . No matter what happened to him , he was on his way Heaven . What a thought . I stayed in the van with the boys while Rick and his Dad visited him . He was still not awake and so they prayed with the family . Danny has 2 twin boys that we pick up on the bus route and who attend our Christian School . I thought of them as I thought of their Dad and how much they needed him . I couldn 't help but beg the Lord for his will to be done with Danny but I was truly hoping he would pull through this for his boys . So far he has . Please pray for a full recovery for him . We drove home from the hospital praising God and listening to some wonderful music . I knew since it was Wednesday , Church was coming that evening . I look so forward to the mid week services , it 's like fuel to keep on going the rest of the week . As we neared our house we noticed that the ice had taken down many branches from our neighbor 's tree . They were laying all over the yard and in the driveway and Rick and I both were noticing the damage . Then I looked up and saw such a sad sight . Sweet Mrs . Mary was out in the yard with her hands over her face . She looked as if she was crying and I told Rick we should check on her . It turns out that she was stuck in her yard and was afraid to move with fear of falling on the ice . She was trying to move the branches from her driveway so she could get her car out that evening to go to Church . What a lady ( she goes to our Church too by the ways : ) Rick ran to help her and led her inside and put a blanket around her to warm her up . She had apparently been stuck out there for quite a while . She was so very thankful for us finding her . Rick then shoveled her driveway and put ice down so she wouldn 't slip on the sidewalk . I was so proud of my husband and I couldn 't help but smile and think how we had been able to help others on this day . When Rick turned to the car he told me the saddest thing . He told me that after he got her inside . She pointed to a picture of her deceased husband and said " I never had to worry about these things when he was still here . " So sad . It made me think . Oh how thankful I am for the people in my life who are there to help me when I need it the most . Especially now as I walk through the darkest longest valley that my feet have ever tread through . The support system I have behind me is like a great and mighty army . We are all in this for the same reason . We are all pressing toward the same goal . And one day , we will get the victory . I was reminded of the amazing Husband and Children the Lord has given me . I was reminded of the wonderful parents that Rick and I both have . We are blessed with brothers and sisters who would do anything for us to help us through this pain . I 'm thankful for friends and Church family who love me so very much . This I do not take lightly . I cherish each and every one of you . And though I may not know you all by name and have never seen your face . I know you are here for me and I love you for that . Thank you , from the bottom of my heart for being here with me and walking down this road with me . I know my days seem dark , but I am walking toward the light a little more each day . And the light of the Lord is shining through the darkness to help me as I continue on . So , in those moments when you are feeling alone and heartbroken , just know that so many people are hurting too . We all have a story . We all have a song . And if you choose Him , we can all have the Lord . I 'm so thankful that on this day God let my husband and I be a help to others . I 'm so glad that we were able to comfort those who are hurting too . I 'm so thankful for each of you . Please read on as God continues to heal my heart and helps me to have a story to tell . Please pray with me that my daughter 's life will continue to touch others lives here on this earth . She may no longer be here to tell her story , but I will tell it for her . Hello there ! My name is Natalie and I am a wife , a mother and a daughter of Christ . My wonderful Husband Rick and I were married July 5 , 2003 . We went on to have four beautiful children . First we received our promise from the Lord , Noah Riley ( 2005 ) . Then God gave us our precious double portion , Elijah Braden ( 2007 ) . Third came God 's gift of " grace " to us , our sweet daughter Madeline Grace ( who is now back home with our Savior . ) And finally our precious " Rainbow of hope " Jonah Asher ( 2011 ) . This is our story of life after the loss of our little girl . This is our story of God 's grace and our hope in Him , as we pick up the pieces and trust in the Lord to help us through . He is leading us and blessing us with so much , and we are so grateful ! Please follow along with us as we do our best to honor our Lord , and the life of our sweet Maddie Grace . |
Another family in bloggy land is in the process of adopting twins and theirs moved in about 6 weeks after ours moved in . The mom and I can kind of relate to the journey we are each on except that hers came potty trained , however , they are 2 years older and probably have that much more baggage to work through . At any rate , we both have our hard days . I was reading her blog this morning and she was echoing my thoughts on the topic of grace and mercy and if we are showing enough . When you think of all that the Lord God extends towards us and then you think of me and my hard - lined approach to obedience it 's enough to make a person question if I am too strict ! I have thought about it a lot and prayed about it and I have come to some conclusions , but I am open to discussion and wondering if there is anybody out there with a different view or two bits to add . In a sense I feel I have one chance with these two children and they can 't afford for me to mess that up . The consequences are eternal . My comment on this gal 's blog went like this : I 've had the same thoughts but in the end it boils down to the fact that they will only come up to the standard you set . Consistency , consistency , consistency is where it 's at and while we are in these hard , hard early days we will question ourselves , but we have to keep the standard . In some ways I think I might be making it harder on myself than the next person would because I won 't let the kiddos get away with anything , but later the job should be easier since they will know exactly where I stand and hopefully have learned to respect that . Yes , God is wonderfully gracious and merciful , but He has a standard that we must rise up to and He always forgives and then we must ask for His strength to reach that standard . He is showing the twins grace and mercy in giving them a whole new chance and he forgives their childishness and foolishness , but we are to help them reach for His strength and power to make the necessary changes in their lives and to break the bonds of the heritage their parents bequeathed them . . . and you and I know the changes are necessary if they are to live productive , useful lives in this society ( and in the next , I might add . ) At 6 : 15 this morning Steve asked me to get him some breakfast while he showered . My response was wonderfully caring . . . Me : " You are kidding , right ? " Him : " Yeah , I guess so " . He left . I think he ate a piece of Brianna 's fresh raspberry pie . I could hear Little Miss in her room . I dragged myself out of bed to tell her to please use the bathroom then go play in her room . I went back to bed but that great big golden retriever we are babysitting started barking and I had to go let him out of the garage . I went back to sleep , but someone was snoring and that woke me up . . . it couldn 't have been the twins , I could hear them playing and everybody else has gone to work . . . so it must have been me . Don 't ya just hate that when your own snoring wakes you up ? The twins are both on a good streak . Yesterday I laid on the couch and told them I was sick . So they played quietly around me and that 's about all I accomplished besides the social worker visit and taking Little Missy swimming for half an hour . Buster never peed his pants once yesterday . We 're going on an outing on Friday that involves swimming with Uncle Bob and Aunty Joy and Cousin Isaac and I told him if he pees his pants once in the next three days I would be calling up Mrs . S or Mrs . V to babysit him because I still refuse to let him go swimming so long as he 's peeing in his pants . I also told him I am signing up his twin for swimming lessons that start Monday and he still has a chance to get in if he cooperates . He made the beds yesterday without a single complaint and was as good as can be . The two are learning to play together . She has her stuff and he has his stuff and nary the two shall mix . . . . but yesterday she wanted one of his 10 little airplanes and of course he said no , but I suggested that actually it 's more fun to play together than by yourself , so he gave her one . They flew them all around the house together and he discovered she can make just as good of airplane noises as he can and so they had fun . Later after supper he asked to play airplanes again . It all ended with her spit on him and her in bed early , but it 's still progress . Okay , must drag myself up the stairs to make shake for the twins . It 's a good thing the girls ' work in this particular orchard will be done today . I don 't have what it takes to get ready for company . I want them to come . We were suppose to meet at a campground for the weekend , but we could not get a single reservation in the whole State and we didn 't have enough time to get permission to take the twins to Canada , so we are meeting here and we 'll do some day outing kind of stuff together . It was a LONG day with one appointment after another from 9 : 15 to 2 : 15 and exhausting . The kids fell asleep in the car on the way home . Even when we stopped for gas and the car alarm went off Little Missy did not stop snoring . Her head was hanging off the car - seat in a way that gave me neck pain just looking . It was all interesting . Little Guy is getting glasses . Little Miss has a lot of surgery and treatment ahead . The level of care and concern between the different doctors and people we saw was striking . The first doc was flippant , said something about apples not falling far from trees and seemed to have a general attitude about foster kids . He was non committal in his statements to us and we came out more confused than understanding . He made comments about Little Guy 's slowness of speech and inability to give him information . The next person was an audiologist who made several assumptions and incorrect statements and said Little Miss 's hearing was fine . She was getting her job done . Period . The next appointment was with the head of the cranial facial clinic . This was a complete different story . He was thrilled to see Missy in her new family . He has cared for her since day 11 . He has done her surgeries and dealt with bio family . He asked about termination and got a smidge misty - eyed when he heard about the relinquishment . He talked about her background and the utter chaos the twins came from and how the developmental delays are , in his opinion , all environmentally caused . He said everybody there who ever dealt with Missy and family will never forget and they all have stories ! Every visit was just that kind of unforgettable experience . He said he had never seen her look so good . In fact he repeated several times that he had never seen her look like this before . I didn 't know exactly what that meant . He took a lot of time with us and answered a lot of questions even of their general health and other issues . He confirmed that what we are doing regarding their bowel health is the way to go and made some small suggestions that we appreciate . Little Miss is quite taken with him and soaked up the attention . It was a parade of doctors , social workers , orthodontists , etc . . . . after that . Mostly these were caring people . These are all people who have followed this case since day 11 . The doc who did the ear surgeries all the way down to the guy who took photographs remember vividly all previous visits and have stories . The photographs of Little Miss were amazing to me . I had not seen any good pictures of her since her referral picture and here they have a record of her for every year . The photographer said he would put them on a cd for me . Now if only I could get my hands on some good pics of twin brother . Missy has a long road ahead . Cleft palate is a big deal . We are finding out what a sick baby she was and it 's actually amazing she pulled through and is here today . The kids were good all day . We came home to a clean house and mowed grass and the laundry done . The girls had the day off from cherries and they worked hard at home . They brought out a little toy that really excited the twins . We let them play with it for a bit and then I decided since it was past bed time they should each take one more turn and get their pj . 's on . Little Guy was not happy about that and went and stood between the two bathrooms and peed in his pants . We were completely caught by surprise . How could this be ? He did so well all day and asked to go pee every time he needed to at the hospital and at REI , etc . . . . why now ? We didn 't put the two - and - two together until this morning . It makes me so sad . Little Guy continues to balk . It doesn 't matter what I ask of him he refuses to comply . It 's a repeat of two weeks ago , only instead of Missy it 's Buster . On Sabbath , while we were still at church I asked him to tie his shoes . He whined and cried and said he could not . I tried to help but he wouldn 't even try so I told him to go to dad . He wouldn 't move . I started to pull him but it 's just plain stupid to drag him when he can walk by himself . I said , " Fine , stay here then . Bye ! " He chased me and kicked me in the ankles . I wasn 't going to react , but I turned in time to see him whack his twin between the shoulders . Her eyes bugged and I felt terrible . I pulled her close and said , " I 'm sorry ! ! That was not nice and you didn 't deserve that . He will have a consequence , just be still and say nothing . I 'm really , really sorry ! " I then marched him to the car and sat him on the ground by the wheel where he proceeded to try and bust his sunglasses to bits . I retrieved them and turned him over to Steve . He was screaming bloody murder in the church parking lot . We would not allow him in the car like that . We arranged the seating so that I would drive and Steve would sit next to him in the very back seat , however , he couldn 't get in the car like that so I drove away and left poor Steve to deal with it . We were kind of in a hurry . I had packed a sack lunch and we were suppose to head to friends to meet for the annual big church hike up Wedge . The girls and I ate our sack lunches and then drove back to find Steve still working on him to tie his shoes . We waited . Eventually he did it and stopped the nonsense . I drove like crazy and we were on time for the hike . The hike was awesome . The twins were really good hikers . Must be all that practice on our backyard mountain : - ) . They loved the snow on the top , etc . . . Little Guy said , " Watch me mom " and took off running down the hill and did a major face plant . I pressed on the swelling between his eyes and the blood stopped coming out his nose . He looks like we beat him up . We have a lot of explaining to do at Children 's Hospital tomorrow ! This morning I had to play the piano for the Sunday church as my girls were called out to cherry harvest . All went well in the morning , but when we got home I asked Buster to make his bed and his sister 's . ( Making Missy 's bed is part of his restitution for the unprovoked whack in the back she endured ) . He refused . It went on and on and on . Little Miss and I did other things . He sat on his bedroom floor . Finally , I had to go pick up the girls so he was asked to finish up . He screamed and had to go up the hill . Let me tell you , he made it difficult on himself . I finally left with him in the car . . . . I treated the girls to ice - cream cones and we came home to get ready for swimming . Again I asked him to get his bed made and he refused . We went back up the hill - only it was so hot I could not go far . I made him stand by a fence post and told him he would not be going down until the screaming stopped . He wouldn 't stop for two hours . He threatened me with a stick , he swore once or twice , he threw rocks at me , he screamed he was scared , he ran away from me several times , he growled , he smacked his hands together , he complained that it was too hot , he complained that it was raining , but he would not be quiet . I stood aways from him and sang as many songs as I could remember . As he simmered down I kept singing and still required him to be quiet and to stay and obey . Finally he was quiet . I sang two songs in the blessed quietness then asked him which song he would like me to sing next . He chose Jesus Loves Me and I invited him to sing with me . Next he asked for Jesus Loves the Little Ones Like Me and then Jesus Loves the Little Children . You have to picture this . . . We are on a dry , steep hill about ten feet apart . He 's butt naked except for his t - shirt , I 'm in my swim suit . ( The girls took the car and went swimming without us ) . He 's covered in dirt and I 'm not much better with sweat dripping down my neck and we are singing Jesus Love Me . He finally made both beds and it took him all of 10 minutes . He had a shower , ate supper and crawled into the newly ( but not perfectly ) made bed with a smile on his face and many promises that tomorrow will be different . I read scriptures out loud part of the time he was on the hill . I needed the bolstering . I have to believe that God will win the war . " There hath not failed one WORD of all His good promise . " 1 Kings 8 : 56 I choose to believe that He has promised to be with me and will not forsake this child . Oh , and then half an hour later a cop car slowly drove up the driveway . It took him so long I had time to get dressed before he got to the door . I was thinking , " brother , someone 's reported the screaming ! Now what ? " But no , Steve is being called as a witness to a fatality he tried to resuscitate a year ago . The victim was in a drunk driving accident but the driver wants to be cleared . Steve won 't be able to say she wasn 't drunk and he can 't say she was drunk , but her behavior was way - out there . I always put all my photos on my other blog . It 's quite a pain that I cannot post pictures of the twins ' faces , It has me kind of stagnant for blog material . Sometimes just the fact that the twins live here makes for boring blog posts , there 's nothing else to write about except what it 's like to live with the twins . She has been an angel and has worked really , really hard to be sweet . It doesn 't come naturally , LOL ! She loved VBS and would do anything to go . I 'm a hard nosed Mama and she knows it . You cross this line and you will find yourself missing out on certain things and she didn 't take a chance ! She even got to go swimming Thursday and today we went canoeing and then they played in the river . She maintained her positive obedience and sweet happy face even when exhausted . A few times the lower lip started to come out or she said something without thinking and a quick reminder was all that was needed . She helped me with preparing crafts and sewing , etc . . . She would stand by my sewing machine and wait patiently to clip the threads , or whatever job I had for her . The cherry on top was that she learned she could go poop in under 5 minutes ! ! Our long drawn out , cranky coaxing matches on the toilet might actually be a thing of the past . For this entire week she has gone poop in less than 5 minutes and today it was less than 2 . She 'd still like to play her control games over drinking any kind of fluid , but Steve discovered that she will drink a lot faster standing up when there 's nothing to lean on . I find the timer helps , too . Amazing the lengths parents go to get simple , every day tasks completed . With the summer heat finally arriving we 've upped the fluid intake requirements and she is honestly more thirsty . Buster , on the other hand , has been making the poop time long , drawn - out , cranky and miserable times for all of us . He has actually resorted to withholding , but prune juice , mirelax , etc . . . are tools to keep him going whether he likes it or not . He came close to missing VBS a few times . He is holding on to control by wetting his pants and it 's keeping him unhappy . We keep singing , " Trust and Obey for there 's no other way , to be happy . . . . . " I have a big toothache and I 'm on antibiotics , and pain pills and scheduled for a root canal by an endodondist next week . So all 4 front top teeth are dead or dying . I had not idea it was this bad even for all the pain I 've been in . Little Guy peed his pants so many times yesterday , even after his attitude improved , even in his brand new pants that he really likes . I had him wash them by hand and hang them out to dry on the deck . He had to wear old pants to VBS and I made him stay right by me at all times . There a little boy , 4 years old , asked to use the outhouse and I went over there with him to make sure he was safe . Of course , Little Guy had to go with me since he had to be at my side . When the 4 year old came out of the outhouse I asked , " Robert , tell me , do you ever pee your pants ? " The other day when Little Guy had used up all his clothes and he had nothing left to wear at all except shirts I had talked to him and told him that baby 's pee in their pants . He needed to start acting like a big boy and not a baby . He was a little desperate feeling for clothes , " but babies wear diapers ! " he pleaded . He figured it would be better to have a diaper than no underwear until the dryer stopped . I don 't know what to do . He can stay dry if he wants to , but mostly he just doesn 't care . It 's his last means of control and he aims to keep it . Lord , help me ! ! Buster 's attitude has only spiraling downward for the last three days . . . Don 't get me wrong . Whining and being miserable is a huge improvement over all - out screaming tantrums , but there was no end in sight of the incorrigible attitude , so we hiked the mountain . We got past the steepest part of the hike when he came unglued . I encouraged and prodded and finally walked ahead of him . Usually this works because he won 't be left behind . Not today . He turned around and ran half - way home . I kept going up . Eventually he got too scared to proceed . The grass is taller than his head . He 's insecure enough to never be sure if he 's on the right trail even though it 's pretty clear and you would really have to have your eyes closed to get lost . He 's not exactly logical , yet . He stopped and I would call to him , but mostly he was screaming too loud to hear me . I stayed put . Every once in awhile he would begin to climb towards me , but it 's hard there and he would give up and run back down . I called encouragements , but the last thing I felt I could do was go back down . That 's what he wanted . I used my cel and called in my support team . Vanessa walked up behind him and said , " You need to obey mom , so get going ! " and she walked up the hill and he followed . She gave him a few tips on how to do it easier , but the amazing thing is he did all himself and I usually have to help . Buster was actually very glad to be back with me and the war was over . Vanessa hike up past us and blazed her own trail home without him even knowing . He marched up to the dead tree and was willing and ready to keep going to the tower . We were both red and hot . I suggested that since he was obviously over his bad mood we could just go home and get a drink of cold water and he could finish the job I asked him to do in the first place . The look in his eyes , the expression on his face , the tone of his voice ; it 's all changed . " Please drink . Please go poop . Please obey . No whining , please . Please , go pee . Buster , you peed your pants again . Are you going to do what mommy asks or are you choosing a consequence ? Say , " yes mom " . Say , " yes mom " . Say , " yes , mom " . . . . . " The other is choosing to be passively disobedient . . . He looks like he is obeying but as time passes you realize he is not . He is only pretending . He is frustrated with me because I have had it with the peeing all over the place . He has done his own laundry and folded it . He has washed his own sheets and replaced them on his bed , he has washed the pee out of his car seat . I 'm keeping him running to the potty so often he can 't pee on anything and I think it 's making him mad so he 's no longer cooperating and is on his bed for the count . Some days are HARD . Really hard . Today is not one of the hard , hard ones . . . . it 's just tiring . I need to get some things done , but I cannot . It seems like I never can . Oh , well . Boy , if you read both of my blogs you 'd think I had a split personality . Hmmmmm . . . Okay , let 's see . . . . We had the goodbye visit with bio family . All went well . The mom liked the photo book . She appreciated it and thanked me and actually gave me a hug . She was looking for a pity party but it was a large crowed and no one would cater to it and so she went along with flow of things . I met her sister . A very nice gal and I met all the new moms of the siblings . It was good . Since the girls started working cherries and are gone 8 - 10 hours a day the attachment for Missy is going a lot better ! I think we are back to where we were a month ago . They have a few days off but because they are in charge of VBS and it 's in a tent ( our church is in remodel mode ) and the tent has to be guarded 24 hours a day they aren 't home much even now . I think a new crop of cherries will be ripe about the time VBS ends so it 's all good . I miss having them around , though . It breaks up the monotony of the above noted ongoing drama for me . Little Miss is a copy cat . She was just fussing about the entry - way putting shoes and coats in the closet and acting like the big girls . Yeah . That 's positive : - ) The last two days the testing is unending . I feel like the wicked witch of the West because there is no let up from one behavior to the next and I 'm constantly correcting and disciplining . For a few minutes one is good while the other is bad and then they switch so that there is no let up for me . I was suppose to go to town with my oldest this morning . . . . but she had to go by herself since one child is confined to his room for awhile and the other was dilly - dallying with her morning routine . As Vanessa left she handed me a couple of chocolates . Does it show that bad that I 'm discouraged ? Well , I 'm back from a 2nd hike up the mountain . It was to the tippy top and down the other side before she was willing to concede that it would be better to just go poop than to create a fuss and have to climb the mountain . I 'm not even sure where I stand with her at the moment . She 's on the toilet , however she 's showing signs that she could begin to cause grief at any time . Maybe I 'll just go and read the Bible to her while she sits until the Lord gives me wisdom or peace or both . . . . And then she 's going for a nap . Missy LOVED swimming ! She was so funny and very , very excited . You never saw anyone so happy . She deserved it , too . She had worked really hard at obeying with a smile all day . She went to sleep with a joyful face and looking forward to the next day 's swim . It was a good day for both kiddos . I appreciated the sweet , and happy day . Little Missy was quite content to be near me all day . She didn 't even question it or ask for the girls . She was huggy and loving . Today will not have such a great record . We 've been up the mountain before breakfast already so no swimming today . I did think it was good that Missy cut her tantrum short . It only lasted 10 minutes . . . which was how long it took to get ready to hike . She was a wildcat slapping and kicking and screaming and yelling " NO ! " and suddenly she was calm and obeyed and hiked willingly . She hoped to earn some brownie points and get her swimming privilege back , but it doesn 't work that way . We only went to the second ridge where we rested and talked and prayed before coming home . Buster went with because he happened to be in time - out for a small thing when Missy started . I felt like I couldn 't let him off the hook and leave him with the girls since he hadn 't been very pleasant towards them . I figured a little preventative medicine couldn 't hurt . I talked to a friend who just adopted two kids . She also has the problem with friends not understanding the need to give time for bonding - some of the same ones we get funny looks from when we say that Little Miss can 't sit on their lap and snuggle . It 's a problem because they don 't understand how a child who needs so much love and attention shouldn 't be getting it from as many places as possible . It just wreaks havoc with making real connections with those who are to be the ones they answer to . Who would have thought that an attentive teenage sister would be a problem ? Little Guy has taken up a new sport . Fly Swatting . It beats running and screaming from them : - ) . Well , excuse me for now , I 'm being buttered - up big time and the syrupy sap doth flow . . . . what in the world can they want ? ( Besides for me to change my mind about swimming today ? ) It was me and the twins most of the day at home yesterday . Steve had to be at the hospital and this is the church camp out weekend and I just didn 't feel - in light of our current trials - that spending the whole day with friends in a very social setting would be very helpful . I let Vanessa take Brianna and Christina and they enjoyed the day at the campground very much . Little Miss was not happy about them leaving but she was more amiable towards me . Buster must have been really feeling left out the last couple of days because when I asked him to go potty he tried out her tricks . Ugh ! It was so fake and yet I had to handle them the same way I would for her because it was nonsense after all , but it made me angry . Up to the top of the mountain we went . He was ridiculous all the way up . We could have turned around at the dead tree , or other points along the path had he given up the stupidity , but of course he wouldn 't and I had to hike that whole dumb mountain . It 's a killer . I ended up with a headache from the heat . We ran into the neighbor boys and I had to apologize for their ruined peace , but they laughed when I explained . Anyway . . . . the kids were fine after that . Little Miss actually did several puzzles on her own . She would bring each one to me for praise and then go back for another one . She has only done three piece puzzles up until now . Steve finally got low census late in the afternoon so we took the kids to join the picnic supper and worship at the campground . It 's very hard to keep a leash on Missy . We managed , but she is extremely social but I felt she had to be with me or Steve at ALL times . Some people don 't quite understand and would love for her to sit on their laps , etc . . . They think she is so sweet and needs all the attention . Whatever ! They make it harder without realizing it , but she cannot sit with them yet . This morning little Missy was actually glad to see me and came for a hug and excitedly talked to me . She 's going swimming today if she can keep it together . Buster is not . He will watch . EveThe ramblings of After the initial trying to push me away this morning , she has pretty much accepted the fact that we are tied up together . . . . I 'm making a game of it and Buster feels a tad left out , but I promised to " play the game " with him another day . She did test it a bit to see who was going to drag who around . We have not had one screaming fit , or begging for Bri , and have had several comments on her cute apron . . . and double takes when they realize I 've got the apron strings . . . . The comments didn 't come soon enough . . . I left the twins with Steve and Christina for the evening . I enjoyed myself at Vanessa 's recital . She played a two piano Jamaican Rumba with her piano teacher . This was her fun piece . Her serious recital is next week in preparation for the Bach Fest . I came home to an interesting story . Little Miss was caught slapping her brother 's face for merely sitting in the swing she wanted . Steve was on the phone but Christina was doing her best to manage her . The screaming was intolerable so Steve had to intervene and put her on her bed so he could finish his business . Afterwards he went to have a little talk with her about her behavior . He turned the story around and asked her what sort of discipline would Buster deserve if he had been the one slapping her face . Oh My ! Talk about vengeful . She said he should not have supper , or lunch and a spanking ! He then asked if that 's what she deserved since she was the one who had committed the crime . Of course , she didn 't deserve any of it . So then ( don 't ask me where this guy gets his ideas ! LOL ! ) he went and asked Buster what he thought his sister deserved for being so mean and nasty . Steve decided to have her pound some nails in a board . She labored over three nails for quite some time . She was all proud of it when she finished , but Steve told her it wasn 't something to be proud of and then he made sure she was wearing her amplifier while he read them the story of Jesus dying on the cross out of the Bible Story book so she would hear all the words . He explained how sin put nails in Christ 's hands and that He died for our sins - her sins , too . He talked about the " happy heart " Jesus was willing to give her . She took her board with it 's three big nails to bed with her . I know Buster will never forget the lesson , but I pray that Missy will take something to heart and that the object lesson will help her remember . Little Guy is attached to me and is learning quickly to obey . He is taking his consequences quietly and with dignity even if he 's trying out all kinds of things like lying , ignoring , " forgetting " , etc . . . , but he is not throwing things anymore . He isn 't running off angry much or screaming at all . He 's happy most of the time . He is the most impatient child around , but is starting to get it that there is such a thing as taking turns , waiting and just seeing what will happen if you didn 't get your question answered immediately . This is something that will take months if not years to work through , but we are on the path . Little Miss has built up a wall against me . I saw it when the rest of the family went to Bible Camp and she tantrumed for hours on end . I saw it in Alaska when she would go to the bathroom for the girls , but would have a screaming fit for me . Yesterday she refused to make her bed for me . As I worked with her she screamed for Brianna Grace over and over . The whole episode was her statement to me about where I stood as her mother . ( The SW reminded me that her sister was her authority in bio - family ) . This was all out defiance . We got through it . She eventually made her bed . She was told in no uncertain terms that Brianna would not be available to her for anything . She cuddled up to me and smiled and did sweet things and then asked again for Brianna Grace . I explained that Brianna would not be playing with her or teaching her braiding and crafts , etc . . . as before . She cried broken hearted and then she tried the butter - me - up stuff all over again . Later in the day I took her to a friends house . Leila gave her a lolly pop . She was enjoying it but dropped it on the ground at home and I had to throw it away . She was sticky and I gave her a napkin to clean up her face . She defiantly threw it on the floor . I asked her to please pick it up . I asked three times . She only gave me the " I dare you to try and make me " look . I gave her one more chance to obey . She screamed at me . " I 'm sorry kiddo . It is too late . I gave you chances to change your mind , but now that you are in for the consequences and you don 't want them . I 'm sorry , you are going to bed . " The screaming , the flailing , the attacking resumed . I finally was able to get her in a position where I could pick her up without getting hurt . I undressed her and put her in the shower in hopes to calm the storm . Her goal was to get as much water all over the bathroom as possible to show how angry she was with me . I carried out my business . . . . only when the shampoo started running down her face and I was offering her a facecloth which she would not accept at first did the tantrum subside , but only for the moment . I tried to give her something to eat as this was bed for the night . . . . She was impossible and so I had to forget that idea . I put her in bed . The tantrum resumed and carried on for a full hour . I did my best to keep her from beating the walls . Steve was finally able to get her to apologize and lay still , but she really thought that would get her out of bed . This morning she resumed her stance towards me and her calling for Brianna Grace . I reminded her that Brianna is not doing anything with her anymore . I am her mom . This was turning out to be one HORRIBLE day except that Christina remembered that the pool opens tomorrow . Suddenly little Miss is a sweet adorable , obedient little thing with many " Yes , moms " . Christina was like , " but MOM ! ! ! ! ! She isn 't obeying for the right reasons ! She isn 't obeying because she wants to and loves you . She is only doing it to get to go swimming . " I know that , but love can 't happen in an instant . Love and trust are built up over time . . . . if she can obey to avoid consequences right now , eventually she will know how to love and trust and obey for the right reasons as she grows attached to me . ( Sounds like a good theory anyway . . . ) We have yet another SW visit today . . . . Brianna groaned , " Aw ! Mom . Another social worker ? ? ? They are like flies ! ! ! ! They never go away ! " Oh , the joy ! : - ) The goodbye visit with bio - mom is coming up real fast . I have been working on a photo album to give her . I 've okayed it with SW . I 'm using blurb and will have it printed in a hardback . The pictures are all photos of the twins and their pets , no one else . We 've taken a ton of great photos and I think the book is beautiful . It seemed a tad odd without words , though , so I racked my brain on what to write and finally gave up and inserted Psalm 139 . I love that Psalm and I think it is very comforting , however , I would like someone else to read it and give me feedback on how you think this would make a birthmom feel . She 'll be sad enough without me adding to it , so I want this to be comforting and give her hope . The kids are good travelers . We thought we were going to have a long lay over in Anchorage , but we managed to get on an earlier flight out . This meant we were scattered all over the plane . Steve sat with Little Guy somewhere in the middle and Brianna sat with Missy on the very last two seats of the aircraft - right by the potty . Perfect , just perfect . She used the bathroom 50 million times on the flight as a way to get out of her seat , but it was fine . Her brother wore a pull - up . Otherwise we would have had to change his clothes over and over and we were plain out of pants . We arrived home at 1 AM . The twins were more than excited to be home . I announced to Missy that she has done so well on the trip that she will NEVER again wear a pull - up to bed . She is very proud of herself ! ! We had some resistance to going to the bathroom today , but I decided to not do the scheduled sit to see what would happen . The kids were tired , their body clocks are off because of the time change and the meals were weird yesterday . Little Guy was miserable ; Just miserable . He was on edge because he was so worried someone would say he HAD to go . He wasn 't grumpy - just couldn 't relax and play normal . I finally talked him into trying before supper . He was willing , but the willingness flew out the window pretty quick so I let him off . He couldn 't even relax to eat well . . . . I could just see this battle raging on his face . . . . finally after dancing around and running away and hiding a few times he shouted , " Mom ! ! I have to go poop ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " And he did . He called it a snake . He relaxed and played after that . I hope that he 's learning that this is a normal , daily occurrence , not a MOM forced operation . My husband and I are in discussion as what the next step is . At what point do we work towards independence in this ? When do we decide that he 's understanding the urge and leave his body to plan it 's own timing ? It 's complicated , but I don 't want to be the gestapo and dictate his body functions . . . . It 's been a few weeks since he 's had an accident so I 'm wondering how to back off . By the way , today he kept his pants dry for the first time in eons . . . . I think it made an impression on him that he had to wear a pull up on the plane and sister did not and that she won 't ever have to wear one again . We worked in the yard and gardens and Missy was our water carrier . She checked out all her pets and critters and was mostly happy . She only became naughty when I decided she had to go poop before the day was over . I didn 't deal with it . . . . I left her with one of the girls and I went outside to work . I guess she finally did her job . How are we ever going to get past making this such a song and dance ? We are so ready to move on from battles in the bathroom . The resistance and the fury over having to use the toilet is mostly aimed at me - the MOM . Even if someone else is working with her on it the anger is still pointed at me for having made the decisions that effect her . I am a no nonsense kind of mom . I can make things fun and I can entertain and distract to a certain degree . . . but I have not the right personality to make each and every bathroom visit into a full blow theatrical display . For Pete 's sake , just go poop and let 's get out of here ! Most of the time the kids have been great . Yesterday , the bathroom issue reared it 's ugly head . . . . they both refused to go and fought it . It didn 't help that they got left on the toilet by sisters who went chasing after a dog sled team , but hey , if you 're are going to be obnoxious life just might pass you by . We dealt with a tantrum or two . . . both had a nap over the deal . Today , Buster was good and Missy flatly refused to go . She was totally and completely defiant and drew blood ( mine ) with her sharp fingernails . It took a long time for her to come around and obey . She 's promising to behave tomorrow . The stakes are high . NO treats on the airplane if she gives me grief over going potty at the usual time . I will say that I am amazed that she has not wet her pants since we left home . I praise her up and down for that and talk to her about what a big girl she is getting to be . When she makes up her mind not to obey , however , she 's a pathetic wretch and I can only trust God to help me , because I have never seen anything so stubborn and so brazenly disrespectful . To think God sent His Son to die for her : - ) Really , I remind myself constantly that GOD did send His Son to die for her . I pray for that kind of LOVE . I 'm sounding like a broken record , but the changes in these kids is phenomenal . Every . Day ! ! Little Guy is picking up words and sentences from all our reading and conversation so that when he meets with an experience that he 's only read about he talks in storybook . For instance we went out in a boat on the river today . He marched down to the river 's edge and asks , " May I watch the boats come and go , come and go . . . . " and I finished the sentence " Come and go on Galilee ? " And then he says , " where 's the ocean blue ? " It 's hilarious to listen to when you know it 's straight out of a book . So we get in the boat and he was a bit frightened by the wake of the other boats . He figured we were bumping over whales . LOL ! He 's getting a little sassy . It 's like he 's emerging into another age level and trying out some " big kid talk " . The maturity is slower to catch up with the brain . . . I 'm allowing them to experiment and try new things , but we are never more than a few feet away because , while I want them to grow and catch up , they are not ready for the responsibility that goes with it . It 's interesting to watch them try and get their social cues from other kids . They do try hard , but they are not quite there , yet . They 've had an argument or two between themselves this week . I haven 't seen that before . My friend figures the more secure they get and the more sure of themselves they become we 'll be seeing a lot more of it . OH , yay ! NOT : S I bribed them both with a package of fruity snacks . They went out like a light ! They didn 't even fuss about it . AH ! almost makes me think I should lay down and sleep . I 'll wake them up in time for VBS . The kids are doing well , here in Alaska . They are tired . The sun stays high in the sky and even though I put them in bed early they don 't sleep too well and wake up early . Going to try give them a nap today . They LOVE , LOVE , LOVE VBS and all the kids . We see changes in the kids almost on a daily basis right now . They are thinking more and more and trying new things and getting more creative . Little Guy tried to manipulate me for the first time - at least a real obvious , well thought out manipulation . I counted that as progress in that he was THINKING ! His ideas didn 't work , mind you . I 'm holding the reigns real tight now and will let them loose inch by inch as I see them growing capable , but for now . . . . . . . ! Little Missy 's middle name is manipulation . She been thinking this way for awhile . She is impulsive so that 's where I hold her in tight . THINK before you act what the consequences of your actions might be . Consistency , consistency , consistency - that 's where it 's at right now , along with the love and patience . The bathroom issue is almost a non - issue anymore . He still wets his pants 3 or 4 times a day and she doesn 't want to go poop , but the day doesn 't have to revolve around the toilet anymore . Whew ! THANK YOU , LORD ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I think it helped to get away from home and to see that no matter where we are the requirements are the same and they 've let the battle go . ( At least for now . ) I am mother to 5 plus . My husband and I are blessed with three lovely teenage daughters and we adopted 6 year old twins through the domestic adoption process . We are also licensed foster parents and have been privileged to have a part in reuniting a family and we continue to be there in support of this family . It has been a blessed experience . Occasionally we do respite but mostly , this blog is about the journey of raising children adopted domestically and conquering the hurdles that make life difficult for them . The twins are almost 12 now . It 's been a tough road . One that we need God to give us strength and wisdom to travel . View My Complete Profile Here : " ' We are laborers together with God ' , He provides us with all the facilities , all the spiritual weapons necessary for the pulling down of Satan 's strongholds . Present the truth as it is in Jesus . Let the tones of your voice express the love of God . Lead , but never drive . Approach the most obstinate in a spirit of kindness and affection . Dip your words into the oil of Grace , and let them flow from your lips in love . " { Letter 105 , 1893 } " Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen : to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke , to set the oppressed freeand break every yoke ? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked , to clothe him , and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood ? Then your light will break forth like the dawn , and your healing will quickly appear ; then your righteousness will go before you , and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard . ~ Isa . 58 : 3 - 8 |
Another family in bloggy land is in the process of adopting twins and theirs moved in about 6 weeks after ours moved in . The mom and I can kind of relate to the journey we are each on except that hers came potty trained , however , they are 2 years older and probably have that much more baggage to work through . At any rate , we both have our hard days . I was reading her blog this morning and she was echoing my thoughts on the topic of grace and mercy and if we are showing enough . When you think of all that the Lord God extends towards us and then you think of me and my hard - lined approach to obedience it 's enough to make a person question if I am too strict ! I have thought about it a lot and prayed about it and I have come to some conclusions , but I am open to discussion and wondering if there is anybody out there with a different view or two bits to add . In a sense I feel I have one chance with these two children and they can 't afford for me to mess that up . The consequences are eternal . My comment on this gal 's blog went like this : I 've had the same thoughts but in the end it boils down to the fact that they will only come up to the standard you set . Consistency , consistency , consistency is where it 's at and while we are in these hard , hard early days we will question ourselves , but we have to keep the standard . In some ways I think I might be making it harder on myself than the next person would because I won 't let the kiddos get away with anything , but later the job should be easier since they will know exactly where I stand and hopefully have learned to respect that . Yes , God is wonderfully gracious and merciful , but He has a standard that we must rise up to and He always forgives and then we must ask for His strength to reach that standard . He is showing the twins grace and mercy in giving them a whole new chance and he forgives their childishness and foolishness , but we are to help them reach for His strength and power to make the necessary changes in their lives and to break the bonds of the heritage their parents bequeathed them . . . and you and I know the changes are necessary if they are to live productive , useful lives in this society ( and in the next , I might add . ) At 6 : 15 this morning Steve asked me to get him some breakfast while he showered . My response was wonderfully caring . . . Me : " You are kidding , right ? " Him : " Yeah , I guess so " . He left . I think he ate a piece of Brianna 's fresh raspberry pie . I could hear Little Miss in her room . I dragged myself out of bed to tell her to please use the bathroom then go play in her room . I went back to bed but that great big golden retriever we are babysitting started barking and I had to go let him out of the garage . I went back to sleep , but someone was snoring and that woke me up . . . it couldn 't have been the twins , I could hear them playing and everybody else has gone to work . . . so it must have been me . Don 't ya just hate that when your own snoring wakes you up ? The twins are both on a good streak . Yesterday I laid on the couch and told them I was sick . So they played quietly around me and that 's about all I accomplished besides the social worker visit and taking Little Missy swimming for half an hour . Buster never peed his pants once yesterday . We 're going on an outing on Friday that involves swimming with Uncle Bob and Aunty Joy and Cousin Isaac and I told him if he pees his pants once in the next three days I would be calling up Mrs . S or Mrs . V to babysit him because I still refuse to let him go swimming so long as he 's peeing in his pants . I also told him I am signing up his twin for swimming lessons that start Monday and he still has a chance to get in if he cooperates . He made the beds yesterday without a single complaint and was as good as can be . The two are learning to play together . She has her stuff and he has his stuff and nary the two shall mix . . . . but yesterday she wanted one of his 10 little airplanes and of course he said no , but I suggested that actually it 's more fun to play together than by yourself , so he gave her one . They flew them all around the house together and he discovered she can make just as good of airplane noises as he can and so they had fun . Later after supper he asked to play airplanes again . It all ended with her spit on him and her in bed early , but it 's still progress . Okay , must drag myself up the stairs to make shake for the twins . It 's a good thing the girls ' work in this particular orchard will be done today . I don 't have what it takes to get ready for company . I want them to come . We were suppose to meet at a campground for the weekend , but we could not get a single reservation in the whole State and we didn 't have enough time to get permission to take the twins to Canada , so we are meeting here and we 'll do some day outing kind of stuff together . It was a LONG day with one appointment after another from 9 : 15 to 2 : 15 and exhausting . The kids fell asleep in the car on the way home . Even when we stopped for gas and the car alarm went off Little Missy did not stop snoring . Her head was hanging off the car - seat in a way that gave me neck pain just looking . It was all interesting . Little Guy is getting glasses . Little Miss has a lot of surgery and treatment ahead . The level of care and concern between the different doctors and people we saw was striking . The first doc was flippant , said something about apples not falling far from trees and seemed to have a general attitude about foster kids . He was non committal in his statements to us and we came out more confused than understanding . He made comments about Little Guy 's slowness of speech and inability to give him information . The next person was an audiologist who made several assumptions and incorrect statements and said Little Miss 's hearing was fine . She was getting her job done . Period . The next appointment was with the head of the cranial facial clinic . This was a complete different story . He was thrilled to see Missy in her new family . He has cared for her since day 11 . He has done her surgeries and dealt with bio family . He asked about termination and got a smidge misty - eyed when he heard about the relinquishment . He talked about her background and the utter chaos the twins came from and how the developmental delays are , in his opinion , all environmentally caused . He said everybody there who ever dealt with Missy and family will never forget and they all have stories ! Every visit was just that kind of unforgettable experience . He said he had never seen her look so good . In fact he repeated several times that he had never seen her look like this before . I didn 't know exactly what that meant . He took a lot of time with us and answered a lot of questions even of their general health and other issues . He confirmed that what we are doing regarding their bowel health is the way to go and made some small suggestions that we appreciate . Little Miss is quite taken with him and soaked up the attention . It was a parade of doctors , social workers , orthodontists , etc . . . . after that . Mostly these were caring people . These are all people who have followed this case since day 11 . The doc who did the ear surgeries all the way down to the guy who took photographs remember vividly all previous visits and have stories . The photographs of Little Miss were amazing to me . I had not seen any good pictures of her since her referral picture and here they have a record of her for every year . The photographer said he would put them on a cd for me . Now if only I could get my hands on some good pics of twin brother . Missy has a long road ahead . Cleft palate is a big deal . We are finding out what a sick baby she was and it 's actually amazing she pulled through and is here today . The kids were good all day . We came home to a clean house and mowed grass and the laundry done . The girls had the day off from cherries and they worked hard at home . They brought out a little toy that really excited the twins . We let them play with it for a bit and then I decided since it was past bed time they should each take one more turn and get their pj . 's on . Little Guy was not happy about that and went and stood between the two bathrooms and peed in his pants . We were completely caught by surprise . How could this be ? He did so well all day and asked to go pee every time he needed to at the hospital and at REI , etc . . . . why now ? We didn 't put the two - and - two together until this morning . It makes me so sad . Little Guy continues to balk . It doesn 't matter what I ask of him he refuses to comply . It 's a repeat of two weeks ago , only instead of Missy it 's Buster . On Sabbath , while we were still at church I asked him to tie his shoes . He whined and cried and said he could not . I tried to help but he wouldn 't even try so I told him to go to dad . He wouldn 't move . I started to pull him but it 's just plain stupid to drag him when he can walk by himself . I said , " Fine , stay here then . Bye ! " He chased me and kicked me in the ankles . I wasn 't going to react , but I turned in time to see him whack his twin between the shoulders . Her eyes bugged and I felt terrible . I pulled her close and said , " I 'm sorry ! ! That was not nice and you didn 't deserve that . He will have a consequence , just be still and say nothing . I 'm really , really sorry ! " I then marched him to the car and sat him on the ground by the wheel where he proceeded to try and bust his sunglasses to bits . I retrieved them and turned him over to Steve . He was screaming bloody murder in the church parking lot . We would not allow him in the car like that . We arranged the seating so that I would drive and Steve would sit next to him in the very back seat , however , he couldn 't get in the car like that so I drove away and left poor Steve to deal with it . We were kind of in a hurry . I had packed a sack lunch and we were suppose to head to friends to meet for the annual big church hike up Wedge . The girls and I ate our sack lunches and then drove back to find Steve still working on him to tie his shoes . We waited . Eventually he did it and stopped the nonsense . I drove like crazy and we were on time for the hike . The hike was awesome . The twins were really good hikers . Must be all that practice on our backyard mountain : - ) . They loved the snow on the top , etc . . . Little Guy said , " Watch me mom " and took off running down the hill and did a major face plant . I pressed on the swelling between his eyes and the blood stopped coming out his nose . He looks like we beat him up . We have a lot of explaining to do at Children 's Hospital tomorrow ! This morning I had to play the piano for the Sunday church as my girls were called out to cherry harvest . All went well in the morning , but when we got home I asked Buster to make his bed and his sister 's . ( Making Missy 's bed is part of his restitution for the unprovoked whack in the back she endured ) . He refused . It went on and on and on . Little Miss and I did other things . He sat on his bedroom floor . Finally , I had to go pick up the girls so he was asked to finish up . He screamed and had to go up the hill . Let me tell you , he made it difficult on himself . I finally left with him in the car . . . . I treated the girls to ice - cream cones and we came home to get ready for swimming . Again I asked him to get his bed made and he refused . We went back up the hill - only it was so hot I could not go far . I made him stand by a fence post and told him he would not be going down until the screaming stopped . He wouldn 't stop for two hours . He threatened me with a stick , he swore once or twice , he threw rocks at me , he screamed he was scared , he ran away from me several times , he growled , he smacked his hands together , he complained that it was too hot , he complained that it was raining , but he would not be quiet . I stood aways from him and sang as many songs as I could remember . As he simmered down I kept singing and still required him to be quiet and to stay and obey . Finally he was quiet . I sang two songs in the blessed quietness then asked him which song he would like me to sing next . He chose Jesus Loves Me and I invited him to sing with me . Next he asked for Jesus Loves the Little Ones Like Me and then Jesus Loves the Little Children . You have to picture this . . . We are on a dry , steep hill about ten feet apart . He 's butt naked except for his t - shirt , I 'm in my swim suit . ( The girls took the car and went swimming without us ) . He 's covered in dirt and I 'm not much better with sweat dripping down my neck and we are singing Jesus Love Me . He finally made both beds and it took him all of 10 minutes . He had a shower , ate supper and crawled into the newly ( but not perfectly ) made bed with a smile on his face and many promises that tomorrow will be different . I read scriptures out loud part of the time he was on the hill . I needed the bolstering . I have to believe that God will win the war . " There hath not failed one WORD of all His good promise . " 1 Kings 8 : 56 I choose to believe that He has promised to be with me and will not forsake this child . Oh , and then half an hour later a cop car slowly drove up the driveway . It took him so long I had time to get dressed before he got to the door . I was thinking , " brother , someone 's reported the screaming ! Now what ? " But no , Steve is being called as a witness to a fatality he tried to resuscitate a year ago . The victim was in a drunk driving accident but the driver wants to be cleared . Steve won 't be able to say she wasn 't drunk and he can 't say she was drunk , but her behavior was way - out there . I always put all my photos on my other blog . It 's quite a pain that I cannot post pictures of the twins ' faces , It has me kind of stagnant for blog material . Sometimes just the fact that the twins live here makes for boring blog posts , there 's nothing else to write about except what it 's like to live with the twins . She has been an angel and has worked really , really hard to be sweet . It doesn 't come naturally , LOL ! She loved VBS and would do anything to go . I 'm a hard nosed Mama and she knows it . You cross this line and you will find yourself missing out on certain things and she didn 't take a chance ! She even got to go swimming Thursday and today we went canoeing and then they played in the river . She maintained her positive obedience and sweet happy face even when exhausted . A few times the lower lip started to come out or she said something without thinking and a quick reminder was all that was needed . She helped me with preparing crafts and sewing , etc . . . She would stand by my sewing machine and wait patiently to clip the threads , or whatever job I had for her . The cherry on top was that she learned she could go poop in under 5 minutes ! ! Our long drawn out , cranky coaxing matches on the toilet might actually be a thing of the past . For this entire week she has gone poop in less than 5 minutes and today it was less than 2 . She 'd still like to play her control games over drinking any kind of fluid , but Steve discovered that she will drink a lot faster standing up when there 's nothing to lean on . I find the timer helps , too . Amazing the lengths parents go to get simple , every day tasks completed . With the summer heat finally arriving we 've upped the fluid intake requirements and she is honestly more thirsty . Buster , on the other hand , has been making the poop time long , drawn - out , cranky and miserable times for all of us . He has actually resorted to withholding , but prune juice , mirelax , etc . . . are tools to keep him going whether he likes it or not . He came close to missing VBS a few times . He is holding on to control by wetting his pants and it 's keeping him unhappy . We keep singing , " Trust and Obey for there 's no other way , to be happy . . . . . " I have a big toothache and I 'm on antibiotics , and pain pills and scheduled for a root canal by an endodondist next week . So all 4 front top teeth are dead or dying . I had not idea it was this bad even for all the pain I 've been in . Little Guy peed his pants so many times yesterday , even after his attitude improved , even in his brand new pants that he really likes . I had him wash them by hand and hang them out to dry on the deck . He had to wear old pants to VBS and I made him stay right by me at all times . There a little boy , 4 years old , asked to use the outhouse and I went over there with him to make sure he was safe . Of course , Little Guy had to go with me since he had to be at my side . When the 4 year old came out of the outhouse I asked , " Robert , tell me , do you ever pee your pants ? " The other day when Little Guy had used up all his clothes and he had nothing left to wear at all except shirts I had talked to him and told him that baby 's pee in their pants . He needed to start acting like a big boy and not a baby . He was a little desperate feeling for clothes , " but babies wear diapers ! " he pleaded . He figured it would be better to have a diaper than no underwear until the dryer stopped . I don 't know what to do . He can stay dry if he wants to , but mostly he just doesn 't care . It 's his last means of control and he aims to keep it . Lord , help me ! ! Buster 's attitude has only spiraling downward for the last three days . . . Don 't get me wrong . Whining and being miserable is a huge improvement over all - out screaming tantrums , but there was no end in sight of the incorrigible attitude , so we hiked the mountain . We got past the steepest part of the hike when he came unglued . I encouraged and prodded and finally walked ahead of him . Usually this works because he won 't be left behind . Not today . He turned around and ran half - way home . I kept going up . Eventually he got too scared to proceed . The grass is taller than his head . He 's insecure enough to never be sure if he 's on the right trail even though it 's pretty clear and you would really have to have your eyes closed to get lost . He 's not exactly logical , yet . He stopped and I would call to him , but mostly he was screaming too loud to hear me . I stayed put . Every once in awhile he would begin to climb towards me , but it 's hard there and he would give up and run back down . I called encouragements , but the last thing I felt I could do was go back down . That 's what he wanted . I used my cel and called in my support team . Vanessa walked up behind him and said , " You need to obey mom , so get going ! " and she walked up the hill and he followed . She gave him a few tips on how to do it easier , but the amazing thing is he did all himself and I usually have to help . Buster was actually very glad to be back with me and the war was over . Vanessa hike up past us and blazed her own trail home without him even knowing . He marched up to the dead tree and was willing and ready to keep going to the tower . We were both red and hot . I suggested that since he was obviously over his bad mood we could just go home and get a drink of cold water and he could finish the job I asked him to do in the first place . The look in his eyes , the expression on his face , the tone of his voice ; it 's all changed . " Please drink . Please go poop . Please obey . No whining , please . Please , go pee . Buster , you peed your pants again . Are you going to do what mommy asks or are you choosing a consequence ? Say , " yes mom " . Say , " yes mom " . Say , " yes , mom " . . . . . " The other is choosing to be passively disobedient . . . He looks like he is obeying but as time passes you realize he is not . He is only pretending . He is frustrated with me because I have had it with the peeing all over the place . He has done his own laundry and folded it . He has washed his own sheets and replaced them on his bed , he has washed the pee out of his car seat . I 'm keeping him running to the potty so often he can 't pee on anything and I think it 's making him mad so he 's no longer cooperating and is on his bed for the count . Some days are HARD . Really hard . Today is not one of the hard , hard ones . . . . it 's just tiring . I need to get some things done , but I cannot . It seems like I never can . Oh , well . Boy , if you read both of my blogs you 'd think I had a split personality . Hmmmmm . . . Okay , let 's see . . . . We had the goodbye visit with bio family . All went well . The mom liked the photo book . She appreciated it and thanked me and actually gave me a hug . She was looking for a pity party but it was a large crowed and no one would cater to it and so she went along with flow of things . I met her sister . A very nice gal and I met all the new moms of the siblings . It was good . Since the girls started working cherries and are gone 8 - 10 hours a day the attachment for Missy is going a lot better ! I think we are back to where we were a month ago . They have a few days off but because they are in charge of VBS and it 's in a tent ( our church is in remodel mode ) and the tent has to be guarded 24 hours a day they aren 't home much even now . I think a new crop of cherries will be ripe about the time VBS ends so it 's all good . I miss having them around , though . It breaks up the monotony of the above noted ongoing drama for me . Little Miss is a copy cat . She was just fussing about the entry - way putting shoes and coats in the closet and acting like the big girls . Yeah . That 's positive : - ) The last two days the testing is unending . I feel like the wicked witch of the West because there is no let up from one behavior to the next and I 'm constantly correcting and disciplining . For a few minutes one is good while the other is bad and then they switch so that there is no let up for me . I was suppose to go to town with my oldest this morning . . . . but she had to go by herself since one child is confined to his room for awhile and the other was dilly - dallying with her morning routine . As Vanessa left she handed me a couple of chocolates . Does it show that bad that I 'm discouraged ? Well , I 'm back from a 2nd hike up the mountain . It was to the tippy top and down the other side before she was willing to concede that it would be better to just go poop than to create a fuss and have to climb the mountain . I 'm not even sure where I stand with her at the moment . She 's on the toilet , however she 's showing signs that she could begin to cause grief at any time . Maybe I 'll just go and read the Bible to her while she sits until the Lord gives me wisdom or peace or both . . . . And then she 's going for a nap . Missy LOVED swimming ! She was so funny and very , very excited . You never saw anyone so happy . She deserved it , too . She had worked really hard at obeying with a smile all day . She went to sleep with a joyful face and looking forward to the next day 's swim . It was a good day for both kiddos . I appreciated the sweet , and happy day . Little Missy was quite content to be near me all day . She didn 't even question it or ask for the girls . She was huggy and loving . Today will not have such a great record . We 've been up the mountain before breakfast already so no swimming today . I did think it was good that Missy cut her tantrum short . It only lasted 10 minutes . . . which was how long it took to get ready to hike . She was a wildcat slapping and kicking and screaming and yelling " NO ! " and suddenly she was calm and obeyed and hiked willingly . She hoped to earn some brownie points and get her swimming privilege back , but it doesn 't work that way . We only went to the second ridge where we rested and talked and prayed before coming home . Buster went with because he happened to be in time - out for a small thing when Missy started . I felt like I couldn 't let him off the hook and leave him with the girls since he hadn 't been very pleasant towards them . I figured a little preventative medicine couldn 't hurt . I talked to a friend who just adopted two kids . She also has the problem with friends not understanding the need to give time for bonding - some of the same ones we get funny looks from when we say that Little Miss can 't sit on their lap and snuggle . It 's a problem because they don 't understand how a child who needs so much love and attention shouldn 't be getting it from as many places as possible . It just wreaks havoc with making real connections with those who are to be the ones they answer to . Who would have thought that an attentive teenage sister would be a problem ? Little Guy has taken up a new sport . Fly Swatting . It beats running and screaming from them : - ) . Well , excuse me for now , I 'm being buttered - up big time and the syrupy sap doth flow . . . . what in the world can they want ? ( Besides for me to change my mind about swimming today ? ) It was me and the twins most of the day at home yesterday . Steve had to be at the hospital and this is the church camp out weekend and I just didn 't feel - in light of our current trials - that spending the whole day with friends in a very social setting would be very helpful . I let Vanessa take Brianna and Christina and they enjoyed the day at the campground very much . Little Miss was not happy about them leaving but she was more amiable towards me . Buster must have been really feeling left out the last couple of days because when I asked him to go potty he tried out her tricks . Ugh ! It was so fake and yet I had to handle them the same way I would for her because it was nonsense after all , but it made me angry . Up to the top of the mountain we went . He was ridiculous all the way up . We could have turned around at the dead tree , or other points along the path had he given up the stupidity , but of course he wouldn 't and I had to hike that whole dumb mountain . It 's a killer . I ended up with a headache from the heat . We ran into the neighbor boys and I had to apologize for their ruined peace , but they laughed when I explained . Anyway . . . . the kids were fine after that . Little Miss actually did several puzzles on her own . She would bring each one to me for praise and then go back for another one . She has only done three piece puzzles up until now . Steve finally got low census late in the afternoon so we took the kids to join the picnic supper and worship at the campground . It 's very hard to keep a leash on Missy . We managed , but she is extremely social but I felt she had to be with me or Steve at ALL times . Some people don 't quite understand and would love for her to sit on their laps , etc . . . They think she is so sweet and needs all the attention . Whatever ! They make it harder without realizing it , but she cannot sit with them yet . This morning little Missy was actually glad to see me and came for a hug and excitedly talked to me . She 's going swimming today if she can keep it together . Buster is not . He will watch . EveThe ramblings of After the initial trying to push me away this morning , she has pretty much accepted the fact that we are tied up together . . . . I 'm making a game of it and Buster feels a tad left out , but I promised to " play the game " with him another day . She did test it a bit to see who was going to drag who around . We have not had one screaming fit , or begging for Bri , and have had several comments on her cute apron . . . and double takes when they realize I 've got the apron strings . . . . The comments didn 't come soon enough . . . I left the twins with Steve and Christina for the evening . I enjoyed myself at Vanessa 's recital . She played a two piano Jamaican Rumba with her piano teacher . This was her fun piece . Her serious recital is next week in preparation for the Bach Fest . I came home to an interesting story . Little Miss was caught slapping her brother 's face for merely sitting in the swing she wanted . Steve was on the phone but Christina was doing her best to manage her . The screaming was intolerable so Steve had to intervene and put her on her bed so he could finish his business . Afterwards he went to have a little talk with her about her behavior . He turned the story around and asked her what sort of discipline would Buster deserve if he had been the one slapping her face . Oh My ! Talk about vengeful . She said he should not have supper , or lunch and a spanking ! He then asked if that 's what she deserved since she was the one who had committed the crime . Of course , she didn 't deserve any of it . So then ( don 't ask me where this guy gets his ideas ! LOL ! ) he went and asked Buster what he thought his sister deserved for being so mean and nasty . Steve decided to have her pound some nails in a board . She labored over three nails for quite some time . She was all proud of it when she finished , but Steve told her it wasn 't something to be proud of and then he made sure she was wearing her amplifier while he read them the story of Jesus dying on the cross out of the Bible Story book so she would hear all the words . He explained how sin put nails in Christ 's hands and that He died for our sins - her sins , too . He talked about the " happy heart " Jesus was willing to give her . She took her board with it 's three big nails to bed with her . I know Buster will never forget the lesson , but I pray that Missy will take something to heart and that the object lesson will help her remember . Little Guy is attached to me and is learning quickly to obey . He is taking his consequences quietly and with dignity even if he 's trying out all kinds of things like lying , ignoring , " forgetting " , etc . . . , but he is not throwing things anymore . He isn 't running off angry much or screaming at all . He 's happy most of the time . He is the most impatient child around , but is starting to get it that there is such a thing as taking turns , waiting and just seeing what will happen if you didn 't get your question answered immediately . This is something that will take months if not years to work through , but we are on the path . Little Miss has built up a wall against me . I saw it when the rest of the family went to Bible Camp and she tantrumed for hours on end . I saw it in Alaska when she would go to the bathroom for the girls , but would have a screaming fit for me . Yesterday she refused to make her bed for me . As I worked with her she screamed for Brianna Grace over and over . The whole episode was her statement to me about where I stood as her mother . ( The SW reminded me that her sister was her authority in bio - family ) . This was all out defiance . We got through it . She eventually made her bed . She was told in no uncertain terms that Brianna would not be available to her for anything . She cuddled up to me and smiled and did sweet things and then asked again for Brianna Grace . I explained that Brianna would not be playing with her or teaching her braiding and crafts , etc . . . as before . She cried broken hearted and then she tried the butter - me - up stuff all over again . Later in the day I took her to a friends house . Leila gave her a lolly pop . She was enjoying it but dropped it on the ground at home and I had to throw it away . She was sticky and I gave her a napkin to clean up her face . She defiantly threw it on the floor . I asked her to please pick it up . I asked three times . She only gave me the " I dare you to try and make me " look . I gave her one more chance to obey . She screamed at me . " I 'm sorry kiddo . It is too late . I gave you chances to change your mind , but now that you are in for the consequences and you don 't want them . I 'm sorry , you are going to bed . " The screaming , the flailing , the attacking resumed . I finally was able to get her in a position where I could pick her up without getting hurt . I undressed her and put her in the shower in hopes to calm the storm . Her goal was to get as much water all over the bathroom as possible to show how angry she was with me . I carried out my business . . . . only when the shampoo started running down her face and I was offering her a facecloth which she would not accept at first did the tantrum subside , but only for the moment . I tried to give her something to eat as this was bed for the night . . . . She was impossible and so I had to forget that idea . I put her in bed . The tantrum resumed and carried on for a full hour . I did my best to keep her from beating the walls . Steve was finally able to get her to apologize and lay still , but she really thought that would get her out of bed . This morning she resumed her stance towards me and her calling for Brianna Grace . I reminded her that Brianna is not doing anything with her anymore . I am her mom . This was turning out to be one HORRIBLE day except that Christina remembered that the pool opens tomorrow . Suddenly little Miss is a sweet adorable , obedient little thing with many " Yes , moms " . Christina was like , " but MOM ! ! ! ! ! She isn 't obeying for the right reasons ! She isn 't obeying because she wants to and loves you . She is only doing it to get to go swimming . " I know that , but love can 't happen in an instant . Love and trust are built up over time . . . . if she can obey to avoid consequences right now , eventually she will know how to love and trust and obey for the right reasons as she grows attached to me . ( Sounds like a good theory anyway . . . ) We have yet another SW visit today . . . . Brianna groaned , " Aw ! Mom . Another social worker ? ? ? They are like flies ! ! ! ! They never go away ! " Oh , the joy ! : - ) The goodbye visit with bio - mom is coming up real fast . I have been working on a photo album to give her . I 've okayed it with SW . I 'm using blurb and will have it printed in a hardback . The pictures are all photos of the twins and their pets , no one else . We 've taken a ton of great photos and I think the book is beautiful . It seemed a tad odd without words , though , so I racked my brain on what to write and finally gave up and inserted Psalm 139 . I love that Psalm and I think it is very comforting , however , I would like someone else to read it and give me feedback on how you think this would make a birthmom feel . She 'll be sad enough without me adding to it , so I want this to be comforting and give her hope . The kids are good travelers . We thought we were going to have a long lay over in Anchorage , but we managed to get on an earlier flight out . This meant we were scattered all over the plane . Steve sat with Little Guy somewhere in the middle and Brianna sat with Missy on the very last two seats of the aircraft - right by the potty . Perfect , just perfect . She used the bathroom 50 million times on the flight as a way to get out of her seat , but it was fine . Her brother wore a pull - up . Otherwise we would have had to change his clothes over and over and we were plain out of pants . We arrived home at 1 AM . The twins were more than excited to be home . I announced to Missy that she has done so well on the trip that she will NEVER again wear a pull - up to bed . She is very proud of herself ! ! We had some resistance to going to the bathroom today , but I decided to not do the scheduled sit to see what would happen . The kids were tired , their body clocks are off because of the time change and the meals were weird yesterday . Little Guy was miserable ; Just miserable . He was on edge because he was so worried someone would say he HAD to go . He wasn 't grumpy - just couldn 't relax and play normal . I finally talked him into trying before supper . He was willing , but the willingness flew out the window pretty quick so I let him off . He couldn 't even relax to eat well . . . . I could just see this battle raging on his face . . . . finally after dancing around and running away and hiding a few times he shouted , " Mom ! ! I have to go poop ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " And he did . He called it a snake . He relaxed and played after that . I hope that he 's learning that this is a normal , daily occurrence , not a MOM forced operation . My husband and I are in discussion as what the next step is . At what point do we work towards independence in this ? When do we decide that he 's understanding the urge and leave his body to plan it 's own timing ? It 's complicated , but I don 't want to be the gestapo and dictate his body functions . . . . It 's been a few weeks since he 's had an accident so I 'm wondering how to back off . By the way , today he kept his pants dry for the first time in eons . . . . I think it made an impression on him that he had to wear a pull up on the plane and sister did not and that she won 't ever have to wear one again . We worked in the yard and gardens and Missy was our water carrier . She checked out all her pets and critters and was mostly happy . She only became naughty when I decided she had to go poop before the day was over . I didn 't deal with it . . . . I left her with one of the girls and I went outside to work . I guess she finally did her job . How are we ever going to get past making this such a song and dance ? We are so ready to move on from battles in the bathroom . The resistance and the fury over having to use the toilet is mostly aimed at me - the MOM . Even if someone else is working with her on it the anger is still pointed at me for having made the decisions that effect her . I am a no nonsense kind of mom . I can make things fun and I can entertain and distract to a certain degree . . . but I have not the right personality to make each and every bathroom visit into a full blow theatrical display . For Pete 's sake , just go poop and let 's get out of here ! Most of the time the kids have been great . Yesterday , the bathroom issue reared it 's ugly head . . . . they both refused to go and fought it . It didn 't help that they got left on the toilet by sisters who went chasing after a dog sled team , but hey , if you 're are going to be obnoxious life just might pass you by . We dealt with a tantrum or two . . . both had a nap over the deal . Today , Buster was good and Missy flatly refused to go . She was totally and completely defiant and drew blood ( mine ) with her sharp fingernails . It took a long time for her to come around and obey . She 's promising to behave tomorrow . The stakes are high . NO treats on the airplane if she gives me grief over going potty at the usual time . I will say that I am amazed that she has not wet her pants since we left home . I praise her up and down for that and talk to her about what a big girl she is getting to be . When she makes up her mind not to obey , however , she 's a pathetic wretch and I can only trust God to help me , because I have never seen anything so stubborn and so brazenly disrespectful . To think God sent His Son to die for her : - ) Really , I remind myself constantly that GOD did send His Son to die for her . I pray for that kind of LOVE . I 'm sounding like a broken record , but the changes in these kids is phenomenal . Every . Day ! ! Little Guy is picking up words and sentences from all our reading and conversation so that when he meets with an experience that he 's only read about he talks in storybook . For instance we went out in a boat on the river today . He marched down to the river 's edge and asks , " May I watch the boats come and go , come and go . . . . " and I finished the sentence " Come and go on Galilee ? " And then he says , " where 's the ocean blue ? " It 's hilarious to listen to when you know it 's straight out of a book . So we get in the boat and he was a bit frightened by the wake of the other boats . He figured we were bumping over whales . LOL ! He 's getting a little sassy . It 's like he 's emerging into another age level and trying out some " big kid talk " . The maturity is slower to catch up with the brain . . . I 'm allowing them to experiment and try new things , but we are never more than a few feet away because , while I want them to grow and catch up , they are not ready for the responsibility that goes with it . It 's interesting to watch them try and get their social cues from other kids . They do try hard , but they are not quite there , yet . They 've had an argument or two between themselves this week . I haven 't seen that before . My friend figures the more secure they get and the more sure of themselves they become we 'll be seeing a lot more of it . OH , yay ! NOT : S I bribed them both with a package of fruity snacks . They went out like a light ! They didn 't even fuss about it . AH ! almost makes me think I should lay down and sleep . I 'll wake them up in time for VBS . The kids are doing well , here in Alaska . They are tired . The sun stays high in the sky and even though I put them in bed early they don 't sleep too well and wake up early . Going to try give them a nap today . They LOVE , LOVE , LOVE VBS and all the kids . We see changes in the kids almost on a daily basis right now . They are thinking more and more and trying new things and getting more creative . Little Guy tried to manipulate me for the first time - at least a real obvious , well thought out manipulation . I counted that as progress in that he was THINKING ! His ideas didn 't work , mind you . I 'm holding the reigns real tight now and will let them loose inch by inch as I see them growing capable , but for now . . . . . . . ! Little Missy 's middle name is manipulation . She been thinking this way for awhile . She is impulsive so that 's where I hold her in tight . THINK before you act what the consequences of your actions might be . Consistency , consistency , consistency - that 's where it 's at right now , along with the love and patience . The bathroom issue is almost a non - issue anymore . He still wets his pants 3 or 4 times a day and she doesn 't want to go poop , but the day doesn 't have to revolve around the toilet anymore . Whew ! THANK YOU , LORD ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I think it helped to get away from home and to see that no matter where we are the requirements are the same and they 've let the battle go . ( At least for now . ) I am mother to 5 plus . My husband and I are blessed with three lovely teenage daughters and we adopted 6 year old twins through the domestic adoption process . We are also licensed foster parents and have been privileged to have a part in reuniting a family and we continue to be there in support of this family . It has been a blessed experience . Occasionally we do respite but mostly , this blog is about the journey of raising children adopted domestically and conquering the hurdles that make life difficult for them . The twins are almost 12 now . It 's been a tough road . One that we need God to give us strength and wisdom to travel . View My Complete Profile Here : " ' We are laborers together with God ' , He provides us with all the facilities , all the spiritual weapons necessary for the pulling down of Satan 's strongholds . Present the truth as it is in Jesus . Let the tones of your voice express the love of God . Lead , but never drive . Approach the most obstinate in a spirit of kindness and affection . Dip your words into the oil of Grace , and let them flow from your lips in love . " { Letter 105 , 1893 } " Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen : to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke , to set the oppressed freeand break every yoke ? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked , to clothe him , and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood ? Then your light will break forth like the dawn , and your healing will quickly appear ; then your righteousness will go before you , and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard . ~ Isa . 58 : 3 - 8 |
Going back to school went pretty well for me . I had three art classes for my last semester , which was quite a bit more relaxed than I was used to . I did a silk screen printing class , which I enjoyed much more than I ever thought I would . It 's nerve racking being in art classes as a scientist . I realized how differently I see things than my artistic classmates . It took me some time to realize that I needed to see things in a more literal sense than an analytic sense . I felt like it took me some time , but I figured out how to do that . Silk screen printing was hard after getting my gall bladder out , however . You need to be able to push down on the squeegee with equal pressure from both shoulders multiple times . It 's an incredible amount of fun , but extremely hard when you 've just had surgery and both your shoulders are weak ! The last semester of school went incredibly fast . In my mind , it went much too fast . I started looking around the school as I walked and realized that I wasn 't going to be there much longer as a student or as an employee . I started to panic as well , because I realized how much harder life was going to be past University . I could no longer take a week or two off for surgeries so easily because I was unsure of how my future employers would be able to handle that . I would no longer have things like reading week to take breaks with . Even worse , I would be leaving the University as an employee and I was really going to miss my coworkers . Time steadily passed , just as it had for the past 7 years , and I was soon looking towards the last days of school . Art classes don 't have exams , so the last day of school for me was going to be exactly that : the last day of school . It was around this time that I headed back to my shoulder surgeon to have a checkup for my shoulder graft . My surgeon was extremely happy with how my left shoulder was progressing . He asked me if I had any concerns , and I said that my right shoulder was hurting . It was the same symptoms as when my left shoulder had first collapsed , there was pain and stiffness , though this came and went so I figured it was just a less extreme collapse . He gave me an x - ray on it that day , and it looked fine , but he said there was obviously an issue if I felt pain , so we may as well do surgery and figure out what happened . I can 't explain how happy I am to have a surgeon who trusts me and trusts the fact that I know when something is wrong . He told me to schedule it with his nurse . I decided to wait until after I 'd started my job to schedule it , because I didn 't want to start my job by saying " by the way I have surgery next week . " Finally , school ended , and I went on a trip to Europe with my family ! We went so many places because it was a lengthy cruise . We were all so worried about me , we even brought my travel wheelchair just in case ( though in hindsight , it wouldn 't have done much off the ship because of the cobblestones ) . We were joking about me sitting on it on the ship and rolling from the left to right side and back , because of the waves . It was one of the best travel experiences I 'd ever had , and it was a great way to get even closer to my family . At the end of the trip I was taking several Tylenol 3 's a day because my joints were so sore and I was so tired , but I 'm happy it didn 't cloud my mind , so I 'll always remember it . At one point , in Venice , we were waiting for a boat ride to take us to some different areas and then deposit us at the ship . However , that boat never came . My family told me to run to a different part of the block we were on to see if there was a bunch of people waiting over there . I ran but didn 't see anything , so I turned back around and saw the three of them walking towards me and laughing . When they got to me , they told me they 'd never seen me run before , and that it was hilarious . That 's the last time I 'll ever run . When I got back home , I started my new job . It was similar to the University in the sense that everyone was incredibly nice . I got put on a nice big project and was able to use my brain from day one ! I found it interesting and challenging , and I was able to wake up feeling excited about going to work every day . I immediately started getting post - school anxiety , however . It was surprising how much time I had left in my day after work was finished . I struggled with finding ways to fill it . This is around the time that I started playing World of Warcraft again , just to ease my frustrations . A couple of weeks after starting work , I had my convocation from University ! I was excited for so many reasons . This was my first real graduation , where I could stay for the entire event and not have to cut it short . As well , I really enjoyed University , and this was a huge stepping stone for me to the beginning of my post - school life . After 7 years , I finally made it through school and was ready to live as an adult ! A few people came to watch me , but unfortunately my grandparents were not included in that . I was extremely disappointed about it , but because of recent health issues , none of them were really well enough to make the drive and sit through the convocation . I understood , but was upset about it . One issue I immediately had was that I was still going back and forth to Hanna on some weekends . I disliked leaving and was finding that I 'd often take my laptop with me , just in case . I started getting frustrated with the distance and was looking to just focus more on work and making roots for myself somewhere . He was an extremely nice guy , but I was getting overwhelmed with where I was headed in life and was unsure how to take the next steps while factoring him in . I realized that in order to figure out where I was going , I was going to need some space . So shortly after beginning my job , we broke up . As you can probably tell , this wasn 't the most interesting period of my life , but it was a bit of an emotional roller coaster . I was finishing off some parts of my life , and was starting others . This was definitely a turning point for me however , and was setting the stage for an interesting few months . As another timing point , this is now the end of December 2012 . I had a couple of things to look forward to / dread , such as finding myself a job and getting my gall bladder removed . Yes , after a year and a half of gall bladder pain , I finally was ready to get it taken out . The date for that was January 18th , so I was going to have to wait . I looked on my University career site for job postings , and there were a couple there . I sent my resume in and figured I 'd have to look around . While looking , I got an email from a headhunter that swears she 's not a headhunter who found me on LinkedIn . She wanted me to go for an interview at this place downtown . I agreed and set a date , and at the same time another company closer to the University asked me to come for an interview . I agreed and set a date , coincidentally the same date as the other interview , just later in the day . The interviews were for the start of January , so I figured I could put my hunt on hold for a bit . I went to the first interview . It was a nice enough place , but it was a hassle to get to and I got the feeling of disorganization out of it . The interview went well and I headed back to the Uni to work . Later I got back in my car and drove the one minute drive to the second interview . This one went terrifically . I liked the place , the person who interviewed me , and everything . When I was done , a full hour later than we 'd planned , I went home . Both places promised to get back to me about a second interview in about a week . A couple days later I heard back from the second place to come in for another one . I happily did , and everything worked out again . I even got a tour of the office and an offer of pizza . When I got an offer from the second interview , I still hadn 't heard back from the first place . This was already about two weeks after my first interview . Eventually I emailed again ( which should never happen from a professional environment ) , which sparked a response saying I just wasn 't experienced enough in PHP . Okay , I 've had three years of experience , all of which didn 't come from University , so good luck finding someone from here that has that and a University degree . The guy told me that they 'd keep me on file for a round of interviews around the time of graduation ( how would I be better qualified in four months ? ) . I politely said thanks , but I have an offer and I won 't be needing that . Their entire place sounded shady at best . So I took the job from the second place and was so excited . Having all this out of the way , I was now more prepared to get my gall bladder out , at least mentally . This was the first surgery I was getting at the Rockeyview hospital . Mom , Dad , and I rolled into the hospital early in the morning and waited for check - in . I 've always found it so comical the way that people feel the need to be treated better than everyone else just because they 're getting cut open . In that room , everyone is getting surgery in a few hours , so acting like a spoiled child really just makes you look like an idiot . I had someone cut the line in front of me to show IDs . In reality , this person is just hurrying up to wait , so it 's their own loss . Also , good things happen to those who wait , and on surgery days , I 'm willing to get all the good things I can . Not a lot happened before this surgery , and I don 't remember waiting long . Soon it was time to head out to the OR . They did it quite a bit differently this time ; they wheeled me directly outside the room where the surgeon briefly chatted and they did all the " are you pretending to be Kelli just so you can get cut open " checks . The surgeon asked if I had any questions and I said " yes , just one . I have a belly button piercing , and is there any way to make it so I can put it back in after ? " He laughed and said he 'd move the incision to under . Apparently I 'm the only one who has ever asked this . Then they wheeled me in the room . Because I had just recently gotten my graft , we all decided I 'd be more comfortable having that arm at my side instead of putting it out and having it get angry during the surgery . So they strapped me in , drugged me up , and put an oxygen mask on me . There was an anesthesiology student there , so they were teaching him how to put the mask on me so that he didn 't snap it into my eye . He seemed pretty terrified , which entertained me a bit . I realized I 'd likely had more surgeries than he 'd ever seen . Then the anesthesiologist ( the real one ) told me that we were waiting for someone , so I should just sit tight . I was strapped down , so I don 't know what he thought I was planning on doing . I listened to my heartbeat and practiced slowing it down so that I was more calm . Once it sounded more like a normal heartbeat , the anesthesiologist looked at me with a surprised look on his face . Don 't worry sir , I 'm still alive . Finally the guy came in and they went through the process . Give me something to relax ( I wish I could get that on a regular basis ) , give me the forget - this drug that makes everything look a bit grainy , then knock me out . I 've found I remember more and more of it during every surgery . So long as I don 't remember the first cut , I figure that 's probably okay . Then I was out ! Considering all the surgeries I 've had , I don 't really count this as an important one so I won 't really be giving a lot of details . It went smoothly enough , and I had the exact symptoms they described . I didn 't throw up from the drugs because I don 't really anymore . The only issue I had was that the gas that they put in you bubbled up to my shoulders , which hurt pretty dang bad . He told me I had over 10 gall stones ( they stop counting at 10 ) , so he wasn 't surprised I was getting attacks . Apparently I shouldn 't have waited a year and a half to get them out . Oh well . When I got home , I was laying on the chair recovering . A person who is extremely close to me was laying on our couch , having had their own surgery that day . I was just drifting off to a happy dream world when that person got up and went upstairs . That was definitely not okay , but the person ( let 's call this person Alex ) didn 't tell us where she was going . When she came down we asked if she was okay , and she didn 't answer . Shortly after , maybe about a minute , she started having a seizure . Being a former lifeguard , I recognized what it was , but I wasn 't about to leave everyone to deal with it . Alex is extremely close to me , and I wanted to make sure she was okay . So with my Mom on the phone with EMS , I got to work ensuring her head was somewhere soft and away from everything . Alex 's husband was close by , trying to get her to stop . I had to make sure he didn 't shake her or get close to her mouth , and when she finished seizing I got him to roll her on her side . She woke up after a few minutes but wasn 't coherent and kept trying to walk away from us . EMS arrived at this point and took her away , which is when I laid back down and had my nap . I won 't tell you more about Alex 's story because once again , that 's not my story to tell . For this though , it had an effect on me because it was the same day of both our surgeries , and I feel it 's important in this point for my story . I will let you know that Alex is okay now . To give you all a gauge of time in this everlasting story , this was now around October of 2012 . I was in my most favourite class , Human Computer Interaction 2 , this semester . It was great because I could work on such interesting and new technologies , and it was also so fast paced with so much work that I cried from it a couple times . That 's how you know if it 's a good class : it breaks your soul . I was still in my sling at this time , but mostly just while I walked around so that no one decided to body check me into the lockers or something . You really never know with people . When I got to class or work , I 'd sit down and take it off so I could type and pretend to be a normal person . At this point , I was thinking about the poster that I had seen . There was an information session coming up about a very fantastic company that I 'd always wanted to work for . I 'd talked to my parents about it and my Dad decided to come with me so he could write notes . The day of the session rolled around and we went to the school together , then sat in a small classroom where it was taking place . There were a LOT of people . They had pizza and drinks on the table , and then proceeded to tell us about this place that they wanted us to apply at . It sounded amazing , though there were only 3 position types and none of them were exactly what I wanted to do . That wouldn 't stop me though . I listened to a lot of people 's questions , Dad and I made fun of a couple under our breaths . Then we were able to go , and discuss things with the presenters if we so chose . My dad went off and let me wait for people to finish asking their questions of one of the people . So I waited . This guy was in a Program Manager position , which I figured I would fit into the best , despite not having any business background . After a while , he looked at me and says " Wow ! What did you do ? " , gesturing at my sling . I responded " Oh , nothing , I just wear it for fashion . " Immediately after saying it , I decided I was an idiot , but thankfully he found it really funny . I told him what I actually had , and he looked a little blown away . I asked a couple of things , like how much my minor would help me and what the medical support from the company was , and that was that ! I honestly didn 't think anything would happen from putting my resume in , but a short while later I got an email from Microsoft saying that I was chosen for an interview for the position of PM . I freaked , yelled at my parents to come read it , fist pumped , etc . And then I got really scared . I didn 't have a job for after University yet , which was fast approaching , and I really wanted to work here ! So I started getting prepared . I made a paper portfolio and practiced thinking about interfaces . And went shopping for interview clothes , of course . The day of the interview rolled around and I was strangely calm . I 'd given myself lots of time between a class and the interview so I could be sitting in the seat early . I won 't give you too much insight into the interview itself . I 'll just say it went pretty good . I left thinking it was one of the better interviews I 've done , and left it at that in my mind . After that , I went home and told my parents and brother how it went . About a week later , I got another email from Microsoft saying I 'd been chosen for a second interview . . . in Seattle ! I had to do so much for this , fill out forms , tell them when I was okay to go and how long I 'd stay for . My mom decided to come with me for this because then I wouldn 't be alone and she could shop . The time flew by very quickly for this , and soon I was at the airport boarding the plane with my mom . We took off , and I immediately got a searing pain in my shoulder . Mom said " I guess she doesn 't like flying " , which we both found quite funny . We landed in Seattle and took a cab to the hotel . It took forever . I 'm sure we didn 't even go far , but it felt like we went from Calgary to Edmonton . Really , we went to Bellevue and got dropped off at this amazing hotel . I can 't stress that enough . . . the hotel was beautiful . We had great views of the city and dogs in down coats and mini umbrellas . Yes , I 'm serious . The dogs were dressed warmer than the people walking them . The trip was a little whirlwind . We did a bunch of shopping and saw a friend , but the main part of the trip was obviously the interview itself . I won 't tell you about the inner workings of the interview , because I 'm sure Microsoft wouldn 't appreciate that , but just know I met a really nice Masters student from my school who was also going for an interview in Bellevue . I 'll save the stories from this too , though they were hilarious and involved tanning beds and snow sharks . It was one of the best experiences of my life , and solidified in my mind that at this point of my life , there was no place I 'd rather be than Calgary . You know , I don 't get Seasonal Depressive Disorder , but I felt very depressed from the minute we touched down . Calgary is a very sunny place , and apparently Seattle can too , but it sure wasn 't while we were there . I 'm also so happy Mom was with me , because she was with me from the second I joined the other interviewees ( it was kinda like the first day of school ) to when I got back and texted her . She jumped in a cab ( who she 'd made wait for her while she was outlet shopping ) and came back as fast as she could . It made me realize that with all the big moments in my life , my family had been there for me . Whether it was my health problems , getting into University , or going for an interview in Seattle , they were always there . And I 'm not ready to give that up . I 've had a lot of people come and go in my life , and no matter what , they 're still there . So after Mom and I went to the Microsoft store ( it 's like heaven for me ) and got our matching Surfaces , we got back in the cab and got back on our plane . My donor seemed to have gotten over her fear of flying because my shoulder didn 't hurt . On the way home , I tried to make a plan in my head about what I was going to do for a job when I graduated . I had four months left to get a job . And I was in for quite a surprise when I got back . I have heard that bone grafts are the most painful surgery you can get . I 'd always assumed that only applied to people who had the bone removed from elsewhere on their body . I was wrong . Here 's a list of things you should never do after getting a bone graft : I woke up in recovery with the feeling that the bone disease was gone . It was incredible . I could instantly tell the difference . But man was I out of it . I slept a TON and eventually a nurse came over and told me they didn 't have a room for me yet , which was why I was still chilling in recovery . I realized it had been a couple hours since surgery already . Eventually my surgeon came in and was livid that I didn 't have a room yet . He basically went out and called the nurses station of where I was headed , demanding a room . He 's awesome . Eventually I started rolling towards my room . It had taken a long time , but I was on my way to a nice , peaceful rest . I 'm kind of making this sound like death . . . I didn 't die , I swear . I got to my room with my family in tow . They told me it had been six hours since I rolled into my surgery , and that they were happy I was okay . Apparently they weren 't told anything , though how could they be ? Recovery wasn 't about to call them , or let them in . Oh well . The acute pain services people came in and hooked up a morphine drip . This is the first time I 've had one of these , where you hit the button if you 're feeling pain . I was super hesitant to use it , but they told me I should because soon I was going to be in a TON more pain . So I did . It didn 't take long to get back to sleep . My family left relatively soon because I was exhausted . So I slept the night away , waking up occasionally to wonder why an older lady kept coming to my door . The next day I woke up and went home early , with a bunch of pills in my pocket . I was in a sling for a long , long time . I have issues wearing that sling because it hurts my elbow , but I had the block this time so I got to wait a few blissful days until the feeling came back to my arm . I say arm because a couple fingers still had pins and needles or no feeling at all for about a week , which wasn 't much help except that it made me think about them all the time on top of thinking about the shoulder . My family was extremely helpful . My boyfriend came in a couple times but he was quite hesitant about the whole thing . He wanted to go to a music store about a week after my surgery and I went because I figured he 'd driven all that way to come and see me , so I should make him happy . Things like that were super tiring . I went back to work relatively quickly . . I think it was a week . My boss told me I could so long as I didn 't tell people that they beat me up . Work made me happy , it made me feel normal again . I had so many people in the building tell me about their surgeries , specifically the ones they thought I 'd gotten ( rotator cuff , dislocated shoulder , etc ) . I had one professor calling me Gimpy . It was great . I went back to school about a week after that . School was just starting , and it was my last year . I didn 't expect the workload of one of the classes , but to be honest , it was completely worth it . I remember them being so scared when I was able to start taking off my sling for comfort reasons , and to type . But I did that quickly , because I hate typing with one hand . The worst part of this recovery was the fact that I couldn 't drive for six weeks . My cab driver neighbour would take me home after school , and my dad would take me there every morning . This meant that I couldn 't stay at school late or go early , and also made me hate needing to depend on other people . But really , who likes having to depend on people , right ? One final thing happened during this time was my ex - boyfriend that kept texting me decided to email me . He told me that the reason he 'd been trying to get a hold of me was that he had gotten a diagnosis for asperger 's , and that he 'd finally realized because of it that he 'd treated me badly and wanted to apologize . I read it a few times and realized I could take two paths with this . I could ignore it , just like his texts and attempts to chat , as he 'd told me he would be fine with me doing in the email . Or I could respond and talk to him about it . I thought about a lot of things with this , but mostly my mind was stuck on how people treated me when they found out about my health problems . I imagined how I would feel had I sent an equivalent email , and how I would feel if a person ignored me . And finally , I thought about the support system that I was aware of him having and how I thought they would react to this news . In the end , the decision was quite easy . I emailed him back and told him that all was forgiven , and then did my best to give him a few pointers about being diagnosed with a major health issue that I had learned along the way . There are people that I know that still refuse to forgive him and don 't understand why I did , but in my opinion there was no question about what needed to be done . I could continue on this thread , but just know that I feel there is no fault in what he did , and I hope that he is able to find help , support , and peace with his own health problems . The rest of his story is his story to tell . After this happened , I went downstairs to head towards my awaiting neighbour . On my way down , I passed a sign for an information session about a potential employer . Naturally , I tore down every sign I could find and stashed it in my bag . . . no just kidding . I took a picture of it with my phone and made a mental note to discuss this with my parents . I had no idea about the series events this picture would lead to , but I now know that it was likely one of the most important pictures of my life . So August 28th rolled around . I made sure to get a lot of sleep before and hang out with my cat as much as I could . I threw balls left handed , juggled left handed , cooked with only my left hand . . . no , wait , I didn 't do those things . I just thought I should try it while I had it . I was very prepared for this surgery in my mind . We strolled into the hospital at the balmy hour of 2am ( more like 6am , but there 's not really a difference ) and got checked in . Sitting in bed waiting for the surgery to start , I was so excited . It 's hard to explain how you can be excited for a surgery . Most people in that room are sitting there being scared out of their minds , but not me . I was about to have my shoulder stop being a bitch . It was finally time ! The holding room nurse starting giving me an IV . I hate IV 's . Not because I find them painful , but because my veins tend to decide they won 't get an IV before surgery . So this guy tried to give me one and succeeded ! But shortly after , my vein blew . My arm started swelling up and hurting and I was like " um , sir ? " He ripped it out of me and said the anesthetist would do it . Poor guy . I really am a dream killer . They wheeled me into the holding area to go into surgery , and Mom and Dad were both beside me . We talked to the anesthetist and he decided that the best thing to do for pain relief during and after the surgery was a block . It would freeze my entire left arm for a few days and I wouldn 't feel a thing . In order to do it , they had to put a needle in my neck and there was a chance of them accidentally nicking my jugular and killing me . As much as I 'm making this sound not very appetizing , the block sounded perfect , so we said yes . Then the surgeons walked in . I don 't know if you 've ever met surgeons , and maybe it 's just my surgeons , but I 've never met a group of more excited , happy people in my life . The two that were doing this one were hilarious . My usual shoulder surgeon is just great , a barrel of laughs really , and the other one really made an impression this day . He came in , having driven from the city that his practice is in , and show us the instructions he would be using to do the graft surgery . The paper was all wet and crinkled , and he told us that was because he 'd had the papers in his back seat with his dog , who was wet . But we needn 't worry , because he could still read them quite well . This cracked up all of us . There 's a reason I let these people work on my joints , and part of it is because I just like them so much . So they signed my left shoulder and told me it was time for the block . They wheeled me behind a curtain , then told me to look to the right . I could only see Dad , who stood there for moral support , but I could hear Mom 's voice behind me , as she was standing within the curtain . I also heard the voice of my anesthetist and two more doctors . They had to ultrasound my neck as they did it to make sure they didn 't kill me . I could see my Dad 's face and it was going whiter and whiter . I could also hear the doctors talking about how not to hit important parts of my body with the needle . After what seemed like twenty minutes but I 'm pretty sure was only 5 , I heard " we 're done ! " and I started not feeling my arm . Voila ! I 'd give a thumbs up at the point but my had was frozen so it was more of a thumb - play - dead . Surgery time . My nurse rolled me down the hall and near the OR , and I jumped off the trolley . We walked into the room , making sure to bring my trusty sling , and I approached the " bed " . I put it into quotations because the bed for my shoulder surgeries is actually more of a chair . Once you jump on onto it and they strap you down and put everything into you and onto you , they lay it back and it 's more of a bed . It 's just better to get you in position for the surgery . So I got positioned and got all ready to go . Sometimes I find those surgeries a little uncomfortable in that chair because there 's people putting things all over your body and you just kinda have to take it . Gravity likes to give you a hard time with the gown too . But eventually everything was in position , and they started giving me the drugs . I remember up to the forgetting drug again , but not to where I got to count . That guy is pretty good . I feel a bit awkward about giving the gory details of this surgery on my blog . If I do succeed in making this a book , I will enhance it and put them in there , at least as much as I know . Just know that someone else 's shoulder magically became mine ! With the help of some very talented people . When I woke up , I was shocked . I could immediately feel no bone disease pain . I knew it was a success . It was a good thing we had done it . They ended up replacing 70 % of my humeral head . All that bone was either gone or ruined from my bone disease . I woke up with the graft in , the sling on , and a massive , wet / dry bandage stuck to my arm . I couldn 't even peek . All I could do was snuggle back down into my hospital bed and await the 6 weeks of pain and sling - ness that I had coming for me . So this is a little embarrassing , but I messed up the timing a little bit in my last post . I removed the last paragraph of the last one . Forget what I said about heading towards February . . . I got the timing of the gall bladder surgery wrong ! It 's embarrassing when you have so many surgeries that you get them mixed around . Oops ! So I went into the new year quite happily ! My school schedule wasn 't too challenging , I was learning about how to make robots take over the world , and I was heading back and forth to Hanna every other weekend . I figured out that not only does lengthy highway driving put a lot of strain on my joints , Hanna in general puts a lot of strain on my migraines . But I decided it was okay , because I was pretty into this guy , so I 'd just live with it . So , zoom zoom . School was pretty fantastic , I was in a lot of art classes , and I was starting to get grades that were high enough that I was thinking of going to grad school in a few years after University . I was still taking a few group things at the pain clinic and I was doing one on one stuff with my doctor now , and they were helping in ways I 'd never dreamed ! So my first semester of my first year motored on quite smoothly , and I hit summer pretty quickly . And summer is where everything blew up . I started out by seeing my gall bladder surgeon . He told me that I did indeed have stones , and it was likely from the steroids I had from the brain surgery . My daily attacks would likely be cured by a gall bladder removal , he said , so we should definitely take it out . Then he drew a little picture for me on the bed that looked like a smiley face . I said " okay . " So I walked out and texted my parents , saying " woot , surgery number 5 . " Someday we hope to remove the sarcastic bone in my body , but that wouldn 't be this surgery . I now had a solid date to take this baby out of me ! I was pumped ! I told them to put me in line to get the surgery , and if it came up before I got my call for my shoulder , then I 'd get this . Sounds perfect ! Right ? I mean , I 'd been waiting so long for my shoulder and I hadn 't got my call , so why would I get it now ? So a little while later , in the summer of 2012 , I got my call . I was so excited . They told me that a shoulder became available and that I should get prepared . They said there was still more tests to do on it and they would tell me in a week if it was good , but I should be ready to get surgery within a month . I can 't even explain how I felt . I called my parents , then I called my brother , and we were all just ecstatic . I got everything ready for work so they 'd know I was away . I was ready . I couldn 't have been more ready . And when they didn 't call after a week I started telling myself it just meant good news , that they 'd forgotten to call because they were busy getting it ready for surgery . My parents weren 't so optimistic . They started telling me to not be too excited . There would be another time . I shouldn 't be heartbroken if it didn 't work out this time They called a week and a half after that first call , and told me the bone didn 't pass it 's tests . I was sitting at the top of my stairs , and all I could say was " okay . Thank you . " I cried for a long , long time . It wasn 't just me that didn 't get a donor that day , it was a lot of people . I 'm sure all of us were crushed . I understand the process , but it was like they handed me the world and then said " oops , that 's not good enough for you , sorry . No replacements . " Eventually I called Mom and told her . She could tell how terrible I felt , and she felt terrible for me . Poor Mom . She 's really always been the cushion I fall on , every time . Over the next month or so , I took some time to just calm down from the whole thing . I still had this gall bladder to look forward too ( right ? That 's what you do for surgery , right ? Look forward to it ? ) so I couldn 't be totally dismayed . At the end of July , something extremely unexpected happened . . . I got another call ! I went through the whole cycle again , calling everyone , being excited . After waiting so long for the first call , what were the odds that the second call would happen after only a month ? I got everything ready , and I was optimistic . For some reason I just felt that this time , it was going to work out . I have bad luck , but I don 't have THAT much bad luck . Mom was cautious like a deer in front of all the headlights in the world . She said she just didn 't want to see me hurt again . I totally got that , but I just didn 't want to be scared and hurt anymore . We started looking through the obituaries and watching the news to see if we could maybe find who it was that my graft came from . For bone grafts , the donor could only be in Southern Alberta , which is why it 's so important to sign your donor card . We think we found her , because ( assuming she was from Calgary ) there could really only be one person that could have been a donor for me . The situation of the woman that we found was eerie in a way that made even Mom think it was maybe meant to be . A week later , I got the second call . It was a go ! I was to get the surgery August 28th . Both my regular shoulder surgeon and the surgeon in charge of the graft clinic was to do the surgery . I was ready ! I put only healthy things into my body for the next few weeks . The Chronic Pain Center told me that they would assist for pain control after the surgery . I called my gall bladder surgeon and told him that I 'd have to hold off for a bit . There was really nothing that could go wrong ! I should stop thinking those words ! No matter how prepared I thought I was , I wasn 't prepared . But I was definitely ready to have my shoulder stop dislocating and have my life back in order . All I could think was : bring it on ! So , getting back to the story , I 'll actually let you back in on the timeline . In my mind , the times get a bit muddled around this part because the depression part of my life seemed to stretch out for years . In reality , it had only been eight months . Once I started getting back on my feet ( quite literally ) and getting into my life again , I had some fun things happen . I met a new guy , for one . He 's not super important on the boyfriend scale , but he did become a really awesome friend and a really supportive person . There have been a few people in my life like this ( my nurse friend , my friend from computer science , my work husband from the uni , my Seattle friend , some family friends who are ALWAYS supportive and there for me , and of course , my own family , immediate and extended ) , but to be honest , people like this are just so few and far between that it 's worth it to mention . He made me feel normal , and still does . When I told him about my health stuff , he nodded and said " everyone has stuff . " But then he was also the first person to text when I had surgeries . He made me realize how bad I 'd had it with Josh , so he came in at a good time in my life . I 'm not going to say a lot about him in this , but he 'll show up in the future briefly . Another awesome thing that happened was I decided to add an art minor to my school . This is a huge thing in my life because I 'm not very artistic . I wanted to better myself and step out of my element . A lot of amazing people that I know are artists , and I really respect them , so I did feel like I had a lot of hard work to do to get anywhere near the realm that they were in . The title of this post is symbolic of what people think before they do anything artistic . Artists are some of the most creative and hard working people . It 's only the one 's that are obsessed with their image that wear the beret 's and turtlenecks . Josh had previously wanted me to finish school asap so we could work on paying off his debt and he could go to school again , but now I was ready to add on to my degree . One thing I did that I never thought I 'd do is I got a tattoo on my left inner wrist . It says Fight . I used to write this on my wrist all the time because it gave me strength when I needed it , and I needed it a lot . One day I decided I was wasting a lot of ink , and I may as well just waste a little and get it put on permanently . I 've never regretted it , and I don 't think I ever will . I look at it several times a day and feel a bit stronger . Despite having so many great things going on , my life felt like a constant battle . I felt like I was trying to roll sideways up a steep hill because there was cheese at the top ( I love cheese ) . I had so many appointments at the pain clinic . They were all massively helpful but doing them between school and work and life was draining . I kept with it though because I knew I had to . I didn 't want to slide back down that hill and away from the cheese . Around October or something , I got back in line for my left shoulder bone graft . My parents were very hesitant about this , saying that I should just have some time to be me without surgeries , which I understood . However , my shoulder was still dislocating several times a day , so I was pretty ready to have that fixed . Just as I respected their opinion , they respected my decision , so I jumped back in line and got ready for it . There was a hitch though : I also needed to get out my gall bladder now . Apparently the steroids I 'd taken for my brain surgery and meningitis all those years ago had also given me gall stones . So I went and talked to my shoulder surgeon about timing , because I needed to know what would happen if I got my gall bladder out and my shoulder came in . He assured me that they would do it after a minimal amount of recovery time , so I decided to go ahead with the gall bladder surgery . For New Years of 2012 , I decided to go to Hanna to hang out with my cousin one last time before she moved away . I went to this big Hanna dance with them all , and I wore this tight , tiny blue dress . I hardly hung out with her at all , because there was a lot of people she knew there and she was everywhere at once . So I ended up hanging out with my other cousin and his friends . One of the people I hung out with was this guy that he 'd known for a long time . I 'd always heard stories about him but hadn 't really talked to him . He was pretty shy and kept bringing me coke 's all night ( I wasn 't drinking ) . At the end of the night I drove him home , even though you can walk anywhere in Hanna in about five minutes . It was cute . I contacted him on Facebook a bit later ( I realize now he was too shy to contact me ) and we ended up hanging out in Calgary again . Then we started dating . I though it would be great to date someone long distance because there would be the added bonus of having no pressure to hang out all the time instead of focusing on school . I didn 't account for all the driving time , mind you . That 's fine though . So we started dating , and he and I started alternating driving back and forth from where he was , which was Red Deer for a couple months , and then Hanna for a long , long time . But you 'll hear more about that in the future . It was around this time that I got a text message from an ex , the one I dated for 2 years and a bit . He told me he wanted to talk to me and that he was sorry for everything that happened . This stressed me out terribly . I told him not to talk to me again , and even considered changing my phone number . It had taken me a long time to get to where I was in my confidence , and I just wasn 't ready to have him bring it down again . In hindsight , I should have been more willing to listen . You 'll hear about that soon too . |
Ivan wiped his forehead with a napkin . The heat in the disused restaurant was stifling . He had bought it a month ago from an old Spanish family . It was prime position on the seafront . The builders had been in ever since . Today it was empty and looked like a building site . At the end of the room were Nikor and Leonid with two other members of the " family . Between them was Paul Merritt . Paul was Robbie Jackson 's closest friend in Spain . He was strapped to a chair and had tape across his mouth . He had long given up struggling . Ivan walked towards him . Paul could see he was holding something . It was a hammer . " Mister Merritt we are both mature men and we both know how this works . I will ask you a question and I want you to answer me honestly . Understand ? " " Mister Merritt , my precious daughter Bepa is fighting for her life in hospital . She was found badly injured in your best friend 's apartment and now he has disappeared . He was your best friend . So I will ask you once again . Where can I find Robbie Jackson ? " Paul looked in almost disbelief as he saw Ivan raise the hammer above his head . He watched as it came down hard on his knee . He heard the crunch well before he felt any pain . It must have taken a fraction of a second before his brain understood what was happening and then he realised he was screaming . Ivan walked to the door of the restaurant and opened it . He put on his sunglasses and adjusted his tie . Behind him he heard a thud . Then the screaming stopped . The Gables Golf and Spa Hotel was just on the outskirts of Reigate . He booked in for two nights under the name of Paul Redford . He had a thing about names . He liked to mix them up a bit . A film that he remembered as a kid was " The Sting " . Its two main stars were Robert Redford and Paul Newman . The Hotel in Croydon he 'd used the name Robert Newman , so this time it had to be the other combination . For the first few months in Spain he was either George Pitt or Brad Clooney . His room was nice . Large double bed , small sofa , table , mini bar , and a good size bathroom . This was the place where he wouldn 't look out of place in Bob 's clothes . He changed into his chinos , cashmere jumper and expensive shirt . He also put on the brogues . He looked in the mirror . He looked every bit the middle class Golf professional . He made his way to the bar . He knew what he was looking for and found it sitting at a table near the bar . They were a group of thirty somethings , laughing and talking . All women , all looking for the same thing . Two of them glanced over as he walked in , he smiled . They smiled back and then returned to their conversation . He was guessing that he would be mentioned in that conversation . He ordered a large gin and tonic and took a seat opposite the women . There was a newspaper on his table and he pretended to read it . He knew that by now at least one of them would have noticed that he wasn 't wearing a wedding ring , the fact that his brogues were very expensive and of course the watch . He looked at his watch . It was seven thirty . He knew from experience that these places were magnets for single or divorced middle aged women looking for a man . He was a prime target . He could see that he had at least two admirers . One in particular took his fancy . She had shoulder length dark brown hair . A bit of a tan , probably fake , knee lengthy skirtand matching jacket . Her eyes were brown and he guessed she was probably thirty five or thirty six . He waited . As soon as he saw her get up to get a round of drinks for the rest of the girls , he finished his drink and followed her to the bar . They stood side by side . The barmen took her order . He knew she would talk to him . " No , actually I 'm a stranger in town . Over from Spain . I 'm looking for a property to rent here but not really sure of the area . What 's the best part of town for me to rent a two bedroom flat ? " He ordered his drink and pulled out a large wad of notes from his pocket and paid for everything . He was sure she had noticed the amount of money he had . The plan was working a treat . She grabbed his arm and led him to the table . D . I John Morgan was sitting at the bar of the Hilton in Mayfair waiting for Demetri Radchinski . He was nervous and kept stroking his chin as though he had a beard . He hadn 't had a beard for over ten years . He first met Demetri when he was first assigned to the Specialist Crime and Investigations Department of the Met some years back . It was a chance meeting a at charity event for Great Ormond Street Hospital . They 'd spoken , introduced themselves and had a beer . He later found out that nothing Demetri ever did was by chance . He had been chosen because he was an up and coming young Detective . Before long , Demetri was helping him with some unsolved crimes . Demetri always seemed to know what had been stolen and where it could be found or dealers who had been under the radar for years . The arrest rates were getting noticed and he moved quickly through the ranks . Now , as a Detective Inspector he was almost at the top of the tree . All thanks to Demetri . He also had links to the Russian mafia , known as " the family " . Demetri was a man you didn 't cross and certainly one you never said no to . He was a tall man , very broad with a thick neck . Quite a weird shape , John was sure he would have to have all his clothes made to measure . Nothing off the rails would fit this guy . " Let me come straight to the point Mister John . One of my family over in Spain has had a personal problem . His daughter has been hurt by a man who used to live in this country . We know that after he hurt the girl he travelled back here to England . So , I need to find him and you need to help me . " " Of course Demetri , we 're already on it . Robbie Jackson arrived at Gatwick two days ago . My team are looking at the CCTV footage of the area as we speak , we 'll soon know where he went after he landed here . Don 't worry , we 'll get him . " " Mister John , please do not misunderstand what I am saying . My men are already looking for him , but we need your help as well . So , as soon as you have any information you must give it to me before you do anything with it yourself . I need to find this man first . Understand ? " The news from the hospital was encouraging . The scans on Bepa were all okay . It was looking like she would have no long term damage . But she was still in a coma . The Doctor told Ivan that this was the body 's way of dealing with the trauma . It was helping her body recover . But there was no guarantee when she would come out of it . It could be days or even weeks . Ivan poured himself a glass full of his favourite vodka and replayed the scene in his head . Robbie Jackson had got Bepa drunk at his apartment , then encouraged her to take drugs . He tried to force himself on her and she had refused him . He was a strong man and very useful with his hands and feet . He had over powered her and smashed her head against the table . He needed to die . But not before he had felt incredible pain for a very , very long time . He ordered a Pizza from his room . Only ate half of it , but drank the rest of the miniatures that he 'd stolen from the Gatwick Hotel . He slept soundly and woke at seven o ' clock , then went for breakfast . He had the full English with lots of black coffee . He knew that by now the Russians would know about Bepa and the fact that he was missing . Ivan would be uncontrollable . He would want him dead . He wouldn 't want to hear the truth ; he would just want him dead . Ivan 's men controlled the taxis along the coast . All of them paid a small amount each week for Ivan 's permission to work the area . So it was likely that his men had tracked down the cab driver that took him to the airport . The " family " had people working at the airport so he would also know about the flight to Gatwick . But that 's where their search should come to a stop . For now , at least . What would they expect him to do ? Go back to Essex ? Too obvious . Besides , apart from an old uncle , he had no family there anymore . He 'd have to start his life all over again just as he did three years ago when he arrived in Spain . Back then he only had a few hundred pounds with him . But he survived and survived well . It would take time . But he was a patient man . He had skills that he could rely on . But there was one big problem this time . Last time it was only the Police who were looking for him . The worst that could have happened was he was caught and put away for a few years . This time he had to be much more cunning . If he was caught this time they would kill him and he would die screaming . These people wouldn 't give up , they never did . He had to avoid major cities like London , Manchester , Birmingham and Leeds . The Russians controlled all of these now . Ivan would often talk about his British " family " and how they were gaining control of most of the UK . He decided he would never stay longer than two or three days at any one place . Keep moving . As his dear old dad used to say " It 's difficult to hit a moving target . " He would use public transport and cabs . He figured he needed more money before he moved on . But not the watch . The watch he would keep . He dressed in different clothes . Jeans , sweatshirt and trainers , courtesy of Mr Thompson . He ruffled his short hair . He looked completely different from the man who walked into the Swan and Cuckoo yesterday . Today he looked like everyone else . He walked into town and headed for the pub . If there was one thing he could rely on was that bad pubs normally attracted bad people and some of these bad people would have bad money . The pub was quiet . He counted thirteen people . Groups of twos and threes . He got a beer and sat in a quiet corner . Just watching , waiting . He was on his third pint when a crowd of eight young men walked in . They were loud , excited , animated . He recognised the signs . They were on the gear . If they were , then someone had to be supplying them . Either in the pub or somewhere else . He waited . An hour passed before a motorbike pulled up outside . A tall thin guy took off his helmet and walked inside . He decided he would call him Lanky . Everyone was pleased to see him . He got a beer , drank half then went into the toilets . A few minutes later one of the eight made his way to the toilet . He came out a few minutes later alone . Lanky was still in there . Then another one of the group made a visit . Again he came out within a few minutes . Still no sign of Lanky . One by one they all took their turn . When the last one of the eight went in , he followed . The toilet looked deserted but he could hear voices coming from one of the cubicles . He started to wash his hands . The cubicle door opened and one of the guys came out and left . He dried his hands under the hot air machine . He looked straight at Lanky , who was still standing in the cubicle . He took a step forward towards Lanky , as he did so he smashed the palm of his right hand hard into the guys face catching him square on the bridge of the nose . Lanky fell backwards against the system and slid down onto to the toilet seat . Blood was pouring from his nose and his head was swaying from side to side . Pain and shock were his two new friends . He quickly went through his pockets and took everything he could find . He walked out of the toilet just as another guy was going in . He made his way through the pub and out onto the street . It was market day and he mingled with the crowd . There was a taxi rank by the station . He got in and went back to the hotel . Once there he turned out his pockets . There were bundles of notes all screwed up and just as important there were small bags of coke , tabs and powder . He counted the cash . Three hundred and eighty quid . Not bad for a few hour 's work . He wouldn 't stay another night here . It was time to move on . He put everything he needed into Bob 's Louis Vuitton bag and left everything else in the room and left the hotel . He saw a sign that said Reigate sixteen miles . After ten minutes walking he flagged down a black cab . He threw the phone onto a chair beside the bed . He felt a stirring in his groin , the Viagra was kicking in . He looked at the beautiful black girl who was laying naked face down on the bed in front of him . He dressed quickly all the time muttering " Fuck , fuck , fuck . " He threw a handful of fifty pound notes at the girl and left . This was one meeting he dare not be late for . The tall , grey haired man stood alone in the Club Hacienda thinking how much he missed his beloved Russia . Ivan Andonivski had been in Spain for eight years yet still couldn 't get used to the heat . After three days of heavy rain the sun had returned with a vengeance . The town of Marbella was hot . Even with the air conditioning pumping out cool air , the heat was still oppressive . He walked over to the deserted bar and poured himself an ice cold beer from the tap . He drank it down slowly hoping that it would give his body some respite from the humidity . It didn 't . Over the past few years his empire had grown . He now had eight night clubs along the Costa del Sol and was in the middle of " negotiations " to take over another two . He smiled as he thought how weak these local people were . They feared him and the men he called his " family " . They gave him what he wanted . No one refused Ivan . When he first arrived from Russia it was the English that controlled the area . The clubs , bars , restaurants and the drug trade were all controlled by the old English gangsters . But they were no match for him and his " family " . In Russia he had learnt that you have to be completely ruthless and without mercy . If you want something you take it . If someone stands in your way you get rid of them . Soon people learn that you are in control . Once they realise that , everything becomes easy . Only one man had decided to make a stand against him . He had a club in Puerto Banus and told Ivan in no uncertain terms that he had no intention of selling . He remembered the man 's words clearly " Take your fucking funny money and go back to that shit hole of a country you call home . This is my town , I control things here . " Two days later the man 's club caught fire . He and his wife were inside . It burnt to the ground . There were no survivors . From then on Ivan got what he wanted . He poured himself another beer and walked to his office at the back of the club . He sat down in his carved wooden chair . A gift from the Mayor for his fiftieth birthday last year . Something was on his mind . His daughter Bepa had not returned home last night and was not answering her phone . This was not unusual , she was twenty one , and , like her late mother , was an attractive girl with lots of friends . But usually by this time of day she would call him and tell him where she was . She was the apple of his eye . He spoilt her terribly , anything Bepa wanted , Bepa got . There was another problem . Robbie Jackson , his head doorman at the Club Hacienda , hadn 't shown up for work last night and he too wasn 't answering his phone . Robbie was a good worker and was part of the " family " . He was trusted . He had done all kinds of work for Ivan including " persuading " local businessmen to take Ivan on as a partner in their businesses . But he also knew that Bepa had a soft spot for Robbie . He was hoping there was no connection between the two or Robbie would have to be taken away and " spoken to . " He convinced himself that it was just a coincidence . But just to be sure , he had sent Nikor and Leonid , two of his most loyal men to Robbie 's apartment to find out why he hadn 't shown up for work . His phone rang . The display said Bepa . He smiled and answered the call . " No sir , it 's Nikor . Bepa is hurt sir ; she is on her way to the hospital now . We found her in Robbie Jackson 's apartment , she was unconscious . She is hurt bad sir . " Bepa was in intensive care when he arrived . The word had gone round the Hospital that Bepa Andonivski had been admitted and she was being given the best care available . The Chief of Staff at the hospital had been briefed and was waiting when Ivan arrived . He led him to a waiting room . " Thank you . You know who I am and that money is no object . If you think she needs anything , anything at all , just do it . You understand ? " " Yes sir . But for the moment we need to find out if there is any damage to her brain . She has a fractured skull and we have put her in an induced coma . We will know more in the next twenty four hours . " Ivan 's eyes began to fill up . He turned away and walked out of the room . Nikor was waiting for him . The two of them stood in a quiet part of the corridor . " Nikor , you are a close part of this family . I need you to find him . No matter where he is , I want you to find him and bring him to me . I don 't care how long it takes or how much it costs . Find him . " There was a stinging sensation inside his nose that made his eyes water . He shook his head from side to side , like a dog does when it 's just come in from the rain . The white powder had done its job . The hit was hard . He took a deep breath , looked in the mirror , straightened his tie and smiled . He pulled a hip flask from his jacket pocket , undid the top and took a large swig . Good to go . He unlocked the toilet door and stepped into the corridor . There were people waiting at the lift doors opposite . A young girl in her twenties looked at him and smiled . He smiled back . He made a mental note to find out which department she worked in and ask her out for a drink . His room was at the end of the large open plan office . He walked passed desks where people sat and stared at computer screens while talking on the phone . It was noisy , cluttered and disorganised . He was only five feet ten inches tall , but the powder made him feel like he was seven feet high and overlooking everything and everyone . He loved the first few minutes of a hit , he felt in control , confident , unstoppable . He opened the door of his office , walked over to his desk and sat down on the large leather chair that he 'd bought just the day before . Six hundred quid well spent . He opened up the top drawer of his desk and took out a bottle of aspirin . He swallowed three pills with a mouthful of bottled spring water . There was a knock on his door . A well - dressed man in his early thirties entered the office . He was wearing a light brown tailored suit , blue shirt and yellow tie . He looked at the open bottle of aspirins on the desk . " Yeah fine , just a bit of a headache coming on . Nothing a glass or two of scotch won 't cure later on . What 's up ? " He sat back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling . A few seconds went by . The powder inside him went into overdrive , activating parts of his brain that were normally asleep . Cells connected with cells , lights flashed in distant recesses and triggered memories and information and pulled them from storage boxes that were normally locked shut . He spoke quickly . " Robert Jackson , aged thirty six from Romford , Essex . Used to run a gym , hard man , some kind of martial arts expert . Went missing from the UK three years ago after Raymond Walker was found dead in a skip . Raymond Walker was the prime suspect in the murder of Robert Jackson 's brother a year earlier but due to certain dubious alibis we couldn 't nail the bastard . Last reports said that Jackson was somewhere in Spain . No one really gives a shit because he did us all a favour by taking a low life scumbag like Walker off the streets . Correct ? " " Okay , don 't make a song and dance about it but find out what you can . With Jackson 's particular skillset , it 's likely he was working as a doorman or bodyguard for someone . If he flew in from Malaga it 's possible that he 's been working close by . Somewhere like Torremolinos , Fuengirola or Marbella . " The walk into Croydon town centre took twenty minutes . He 'd never been there before and he hated it . It was like somebody had decided to dig up every tree , every blade of grass and every flower and replace them with concrete in every shade of grey . Bob 's clothes fitted him well . He looked like a wealthy man . Beige chinos , expensive shirt , cashmere jumper and brown brogues . He was carrying the Louis Vuitton bag containing everything he wanted to sell . He saw the sign he was looking for outside a small jewellers . " We buy Gold " . Fifteen minutes later he had an extra two hundred and twenty pounds in his pocket . The earrings , cufflinks and tie pin had been worth more than he 'd thought . The guy in the jewellers had also given him a quote for the watch , two and a half grand . But for now he would keep it . People trust a man who looks smart and wears an expensive watch . Especially the ladies . He bought a SIM card and thirty quid 's worth of credit . He put the SIM into Bob 's mobile . He laughed at himself . Who the fuck was he going to phone . It was midday , time for a beer . As he walked into the Swan and Cuckoo in the town centre , he looked completely out of place . Overdressed and conspicuous . Heads turned as he walked in , people whispered . He smiled as he sat down with his bottle of beer . If they only knew who he really was , they would run a mile . He counted up his money . Six hundred and eighty quid . He was aware of two people standing at his table . He looked up . Two kids , late teens , white , track suit bottoms and hoody tops . One taller than the other . As he looked at them he gave them both names . The taller boy was Ron and the smaller one Ray . They were looking down at him . Ron spoke . " Tell you what , just cos you 've got bottle . I 'll give you a score , then you fuck off without me hurting you . How 's that ? " He stared hard into Ron 's eyes . Waiting for a reaction . He held the bottle by its neck and was ready . Ray slowly put out his hand . They left . He finished his beer . He was thinking about his next move . He needed to get a haircut and get rid of his goatee beard . He left the pub and found a barber shop . At three o ' clock he was back in his hotel room having paid for two more nights . He looked in the mirror . He looked good . A million miles different from the look he had yesterday . He 'd left Marbella with shoulder length hair and a goatee beard , wearing a pair of old faded jeans , a tee shirt and a pair of trainers . His only possessions were his passport and one hundred and sixty two euros . Now he was on the outskirts of London , clean shaven , hair short and parted at the side , wearing expensive clothes and a six grand watch , had six hundred and fifty pounds in his pocket and was staying in a reasonable hotel . For now he was safe . Not bad for his first twenty four hours . He looked at his watch . Marbella was an hour ahead so it would be four o ' clock there . The shit should be just about to hit the fan . The cab from Marbella had cost him fifty five euros . The flight ticket from Malaga to Gatwick was ninety eight euros . He counted his money . Nine euros left . This was all he had in the world , just nine euros , a passport and the clothes he was wearing . At Malaga airport he had nothing to check in . But he closely watched those that did . He spotted a family of four checking in a large blue suitcase with a red ribbon tied on the handle . Mum , dad and two kids . The guy was about his height and weight , roughly the same age maybe a year or two older , nearing forty . The kids were perhaps six and eight . Perfect . His was the last Gatwick flight out of Malaga that day . The 22 . 35 . Landing just after midnight . His eyes scanned the departure board . He saw what he was looking for . A Frankfurt flight departing fifteen minutes before his . He waited and took in everything . He carefully chose his victim . He liked to give names to his victims . This one he would call Bob . The gate for Frankfurt was called an hour before departure . People started to shuffle about . This was the time old men went to the toilet . A voice would speak in their head " Go now or you 'll have to go on the plane . " No one wants to use the toilet on a plane . Bob was a man in his late sixties , travelling alone . He was carrying a very expensive overnight bag . He was dressed smartly in a cashmere sweater and light coloured trousers . He kept looking at his watch , an expensive item , possibly Rolex or Omega . Bob picked up his bag and made his way to the toilets . He followed . He watched as Bob took a leak at the urinals , then went over to the basin to wash his hands . He followed and stood next to him . Bob put his bag on the floor beside him . The toilets were busy . He liked busy , it made his job much easier . He turned quickly , caught Bobs legs hard with his right foot . They left the floor and gravity took over . Bob fell . Hit his head hard on the marble work surface before crashing to the floor . Bob was out cold . He knelt beside him and pulled the bag towards him . He knew there would be confusion . Bob would be out of it for quite a while . He would miss his flight , but no one would miss him . He would try to explain about his bag but by that time it would be in the overhead locker on its way to Gatwick . He slept for most of the two and a half hour flight . He could see the family of four a few seats in front of him . He decided to call them the Thompson family . He smiled to himself , good name as they 'd obviously just been on holiday . At Gatwick he and his luxury overnight bag were quickly through passport control . He knew that the Thompson family would be slow . Two kids would hold them back . They were too old to have pushchairs and too large to be carried , they would have to walk . It was after midnight , they would be tired and grumpy . At least one of them would want to use the toilet . All these things would slow them down . He also figured that the bags would come off quickly . This was the last flight in and the baggage handlers would want to get home as quickly as possible . He was first at the baggage carousel . Just as he thought , the bags had started coming off and were already going round on the conveyor belt . He kept his eyes alert for the Thompsons . He guessed they were maybe four or five minutes behind him . Then he saw it , coming straight at him , blue case , red ribbon . Out of the corner of his eye he saw the family at the bottom of the stairs , the kids were with mum . Dad was a few feet in front looking for the signs for the correct baggage area . He had to be quick . He took the case off , untied the ribbon and put it in his pocket . Then turned and walked past them towards the exit . He was through customs and in arrivals a few seconds later . He put the case on the bed and opened it . Inside were various clothes and toiletries . He found a casual shirt , a pair of jeans and black shoes . He changed clothes quickly and dumped his old clothes into the suitcase . He went into the bathroom collected up all the towels and put them in the case . He noticed there was a mini bar . He opened it and put the contents in the case He was wearing Bobs watch . It was a Rolex Submariner . New , it was worth maybe six grand , he 'd get two for it . But that would do . It was almost half past one before he was settled in the Novatel . He paid the cabbie a ton and the room was forty quid . He sat down on the bed and opened up the suitcase . He put the booze from the mini bar on a small table in the corner of the room . He opened up two miniatures of whisky and drank them straight from the bottles . He emptied the blue suitcase and tipped the contents onto the bed . The men 's clothes he put in a neat pile , anything else was thrown on the floor . In one of the internal pockets he found two pairs of gold earrings and a ladies watch . But , nothing much of any value . The only toiletries were an electric razor and some aftershave . He was pleased with the men 's clothes . There were enough to keep him going for a few days . He opened up the expensive overnight bag . It was Louis Vuitton . This was no snide , this was the real thing . He emptied it carefully . Two shirts , a silk tie , a cashmere jumper and a pair of chinos . There was a mobile phone , an iPod , and a small leather toiletries bag . He unzipped the small bag . Usual stuff , razor , foam , deodorant , aftershave . The holdall had a pocket inside . He opened it . Jackpot . Two pairs of gold cufflinks , a gold tie pin and a very expensive looking pen . He lay down on the bed and closed his eyes . Tomorrow would be a good day . He 'd sell the gold for a few hundred quid but keep the watch for a while . Just a few hours ago he was in Spain and in a whole lot of trouble , with nothing but a plane ticket and nine euros . He wouldn 't be missed for another twelve hours . By that time he would be a completely different person . The hype is beginning to build . Every night this week there will a " behind the scenes " programme on Sky helping to increase the tension . Sky expect this to be their biggest pay per view boxing event EVER . It seems cheap to me at £ 17 . Look at it this way . Coverage starts at 6pm with views and thoughts from both camps , expert analysis ( well from some pundits anyway ) , then the undercard which includes our Olympic Gold medallist at Heavyweight , Anthony Joshua . 2008 Gold medallist James Degale fighting in an IBF eliminator bought . East Londoner and a man with something to prove Kevin Mitchell also fights in another IBF eliminator . And Jamie McDonnell fights for the vacant WBA Super Flyweight title . What a great showcase for British boxing . Okay , let 's look at the big one . Froch is odds on favourite at 4 / 6 and Groves 5 / 4 . The bookies expect Froch to win in the latter rounds and especially in rounds 7 - 9 . Not many expect it to go the distance . Froch met Jean Pascal in 2008 for the vacant WBC Super Middleweight title . It was a twelve round brawl with both fighters taking big shots round after round . Froch won on points . In 2009 he met Jermaine Taylor in his first defence of the title . Taylor knocked him down in the third round but Froch got up to beat Taylor in the final round with just fourteen seconds to go . Another really hard fight . Six months later he fights Andre Dirrell and retains his World title , but it 's another hard fought twelve round contest that he wins on points . In 2010 he takes on Mikkel Kessler and loses his title in a memorable twelve round battle . Seven months later he 's back , fighting Arthur Abraham and wins after twelve rounds by a unanimous point 's decision . In 2011 he fights Glen Johnson and wins another twelve round decision . The same year he faces Andre Ward , this time he loses after twelve gruelling rounds . In 2012 he has two fights , winning both easily . 2013 sees the re - match with Mikkell Kessler . He wins by unanimous decision after ANOTHER twelve hard rounds . Six months later he takes on George Groves in what some are calling the best British boxing match of all time . He 's knocked down in the first round and takes big shots in the next five rounds . He stops Groves in the ninth . After the fight he looks like he 's been hit by a truck ( but then so does Groves ) . I know I 've gone on a bit , but see where I 'm coming from ? Every fight is a war and at 36 Froch can 't afford to have too many more . I wonder if Froch really wanted this re - match or was he lured in by the enormous amount of money on offer or the fact that the IBF ordered him to face Groves or lose his title ? Groves is only 26 . He 's had twenty professional fights and won nineteen . His only loss was to Froch last year and that ended controversially . Since 2011 he 's had ten fights . Only two have gone the distance . In his last fight with Froch he proved that not only can he punch but he can take a punch as well . Up until that fight most people wondered how he would fare against " world class " opposition . Froch is most certainly world class yet Groves dominated the early rounds and was in front going into the ninth . Froch gave it everything in that round and caught Groves with some big shots . The ref stepped in and stopped the fight . Prematurely some ( including me ) would say . Froch is the champion and deservedly so . He 's faced the best and beaten them . But I can 't help thinking that at 36 he might just have had his day . He knows that Groves has the power and speed to hurt him and that might just play on his mind . Groves is young , cocky and full of confidence after the first fight . " Where was I , oh yeah , the napkin . I 've still got that napkin after all these years . Keep it in my desk at work . Look at it every day . " I was disappointed that she 'd left so suddenly , but I suppose I loved her unpredictability . The next time she called was a week later . Again we arranged to meet in Dirty Dicks , in fact that place became a regular meeting place for us for the rest of that year . We met there once a week . We 'd talk , drink wine , have a kiss and then she 'd leave . We still hadn 't had sex . I think for both of us we wanted it to be special . We wanted to take our time . We didn 't want it to be some quickie somewhere . Every time we met she always asked me the same question just before we parted . I thought it was just a game that she loved to play . A game that proved to her how much I loved her . Then sometime in 2009 , March I think , we met up as usual . She looked worried about something . " Well , my family have a small holiday cottage in Whitstable . It 's only an hour away . They don 't use it much and so I thought I 'd stay there for a while . Come and stay with me Jim , just for a weekend ? " I began to sow the seeds indoors . I mentioned about a sales conference being planned for some time in May . Then I pretended to be angry that the company was planning it for a weekend . Then I wrote myself a letter on company headed paper and sent it to my home address . It confirmed that my presence was required at the sales Conference in May . I had to be there on the Friday night and would return Sunday afternoon . My poor wife believed every word . As the date approached we both became more and more excited . Then it was time . I met her at the cottage at seven o ' clock on the Friday evening . We took our time . Both of us didn 't want to rush . I did some shopping on the way there and got us food and wine . I cooked . She loved the fact that I was making a fuss of her . The cottage had no television so there were no distractions . Just the two of us . I did . Slowly . As I took off each layer of clothing , I kissed her skin . She tasted wonderful . When she was naked her skin was milk bottle white . She smiled at me and lay down on the bed . I undressed and lay beside her . We didn 't have sex . Sex doesn 't describe what we had that night , nor does making love . It was more , much more than that . There was something else , something words can 't describe . Intenseness , almost like our bodies had become one . It was the best night of my life . In fact that first weekend was something that will live with me forever , even when I 'm gone . We stayed in the cottage for the remainder of that weekend . I 've never felt so close to another human being in all my life . I didn 't want it end . But sadly it had to . After that weekend I made regular trips to Whitstable . It was only an hour away and I would skive off work and go see her and still be home early evening . I started booking early appointments so that I could be finished by two in the afternoon and be in Whitstable by three . This went on for months . Then one day she told me . " It could happen at any time Jim . It 's dormant at the moment but when it starts to react the changes will happen quickly . My doctor says that I 'm lucky to still be here . " " I 'll hallucinate , lose my memory . I won 't know you Jim . You 'll be a stranger to me . I couldn 't bear that . " It was in Whitstable about a year later . She made me promise that as soon as she started to feel unwell it would be time . I went to see her one afternoon and she was acting strange . She didn 't seem to know why she was there in the cottage . She thought she was being held prisoner . I knew then that I had to do it . She eventually calmed down and fell asleep . I stayed with her and lay by her side . When she woke up . She shouted . She thrashed about on the bed and I held her down until she went back to sleep . I took a pillow and held it down firm over her face . She didn 't even struggle . I think that she knew what was happening and just let me get on with it . I kept me promise to her . " She wrote . " Jim didn 't come home tonight . Very worried . He 's not answering his mobile . " So that part of your story is correct Jim . But that is also the date that a twenty seven year old lady called Katherine Weller went missing . She was last seen in a café near Holborn . She was supposed to meet up with a group of friends at the Dirty Dick pub at Liverpool Street later that day , but never made it . " " Let 's talk about Whitstable shall we Jim . You are registered as the leaseholder of a lock up railway arch there aren 't you ? We spoke to some of the other leaseholders . They say they 've seen you coming and going over the past few years . They said that you were very secretive about the contents of the arch . You told one of them that you were restoring a classic car . Then last week , British Rail needed access to the arches . Seems there was a problem with the track above . They couldn 't get hold of you Jim so had to force entry . Guess what they found in that old arch of yours Jim ? " " Well the first thing they noticed was the smell . Horrible smell Jim . It was coming from a pit . You know the sort of pit that mechanics use so they can see the underneath of a car . Big pit it was . Five feet deep and about four feet square . Covered over with planks of wood . Guess what was inside that pit Jim ? " " They found a chair , some rope and human remains Jim . That 's what they found . We did some analysis Jim and discovered that they were the remains of a woman . A woman in her twenties . It was Katherine Weller Jim . Experts say that she died about three years ago . Which means that you kept her there alive in that pit for about two years ? Visiting twice a week , probably giving her food and water , just enough to keep her alive . It 's difficult to determine the cause of death after all this time Jim . Perhaps you can tell me . " " I promised to keep her safe , always . Then she started shouting . It was the illness . She thought she was being held prisoner . That 's what the illness does it makes you hallucinate . She told me that , she said it would . " " Shall I tell you what I think Jim ? I think that after she been in that pit for a while , she asked you to kill her . She must have been in so much agony that every time you visited her she would plead with you to end it . Then one day , maybe she struggled , shouted and you decided to give her what she wanted . So you killed her . Am I close Jim ? " " She told me , no , begged me to do it . You see , she was in pain . It was the illness you see . The illness . " Recent Comments smartrachael on Ginny . ( Part 3 ) Ian Paye on Missing Years . ( Part 17 ) Ian Paye on Missing Years . ( Part 15 ) Ian Paye on Missing Years . ( Part 5 ) Ian Paye on Missing Years . ( Part 3 ) Archives June 2017 Recent Comments smartrachael on Ginny . ( Part 3 ) Ian Paye on Missing Years . ( Part 17 ) Ian Paye on Missing Years . ( Part 15 ) Ian Paye on Missing Years . ( Part 5 ) Ian Paye on Missing Years . ( Part 3 ) Archives June 2017 |
I never figured out exactly what was out of whack with my thigh , all I know is that it hurt badly and it took four times as long to get back to the sink as it should have . It was over a week before I could move around enough to get out of the cave once I had climbed down into it . I had to leave the eggs because I couldn 't even get out well enough to collect them and a couple of the stupid hens went broody . I figured some of the older hens would need to be culled before the cold weather came back so I let them have what they wanted and eventually we had a bunch of yellow puff balls to look after on top of everything else . That meant more work , primarily in building them their own little run that was predator proof , but I guess it was worth it … especially as I remember the look on Daniel 's face as he sat , fascinated by them . Lucky for me I was finally completely healed and was able to start pulling all of the grass seed heads we could find to add to the chickens ' own foraging efforts . Lucky too , in a way , that that summer was also a grasshopper summer . The chickens had all of the protein they could catch and boy , were they funny . Every once in a while more than one chicken would go after the same hopper and the silly things would plow into one another . Once a whole bunch of them spotted the same grasshopper at the same time and when they were finished it looked like a multi - car pileup ; they were all squawking and complaining as they got themselves untangled and straightened their feathers out . Both Daniel and I laughed a long time . It felt good . Daniel and I were very careful after running into the old woman and the rest of those people … although I 'll be honest and admit that in hindsight I really never thought of the Blue Hats as " people " but as monsters , monsters that could be done away with without thought or consequences . After seeing people for the first time in so long , and having it be the kind of encounter that it was , I wondered whether we should go out anymore at all . After thinking it through however I knew that really wasn 't feasible . I wasn 't going to let one bad experience lock us up in the cave for the rest of our lives . So slowly , as my leg healed and the chicken chores were complete , we ventured out exploring again … but not near that valley that I had told the old woman about and not to the campgrounds . I wasn 't going to let the Blue Hats win , but I wasn 't going to be foolish either . A part of me was terribly curious about the old woman and the young man with her . Where did they come from ? I didn 't recognize them as being from around here . How had they survived ? I didn 't get the impression that they had a place like we did to hole up in . Why were the Blue Hats after them ? It just seemed awful coincidental that they had been found out like they had . Every once in a while I would find signs that someone had been around deeper in the BLM area . Freshly cut cattail sprouts … one of the forage items that still were making what could be eaten … was the first time I really noticed but once I 'd seen that I started looking around more carefully . There were flat prints in dusty spots , similar to Daniel 's moccasins but too large to be his and I still had tread prints on my shoes . I 'd see string or hair caught on branches and bushes . We found the skeleton of an animal that was too neatly laid out to have been done by another animal predator . And every once in a while I 'd get jumpy because I swear it would feel like we were being watched . When I would get that feeling … or Daniel would … we faded into the underbrush as quickly as we could and then took a long and winding path back to the sink and remained there for a couple of days to be on the safe side . Towards the end of summer I took a good , long look at the food we had remaining in the cave . By my reckoning when we first went into the cave there was food for five people for over three years but we didn 't have five people because my parents had been killed and Jeff left shortly after that never to return . That meant that from near the beginning we had nearly eight years of food storage for just Daniel and I . I was thirteen and several months when we went into the cave and I turned fifteen early in July of that summer making it about a year and a half since our world had gone all messed up . I figured between what we grew in the grow rooms and what forage I managed to bring in over the past year we still had around seven years of food . I could have given up the grow rooms , not bothered with the chickens , and forgotten about foraging and still been able to put a decent meal together for the two of us … for a while . The problem was we just didn 't know how long that Heart Rot was going to be around and even after it left - if it left - how long it would take to start producing enough food to feed us again . And a lot of the long term storage stuff that Daddy had squirreled away was powdered , dried , and strictly staple type ingredients . There was a lot of rice , grains , and beans but that doesn 't make for very interesting meals if you don 't have other stuff to add in or at least to vary the flavor with . So I decided that even if things started looking like they were getting better , and especially if they did not , we would continue the grow rooms and the chickens , but we 'd also continue to forage for what we could . It turned out we were the only ones though . As the summer turned into autumn Daniel and I had a few close encounters . Along the road the home place faced … though it wasn 't easy to even see the old road top anymore between the grasses and the tree debris … we saw what looked like a gypsy group . I don 't mean they looked like gypsies exactly , they just seemed to live like them . They had what looked like rickshaws - some pulled by hand and some by pedal powered wheels - that they used as wagons for their personal items . There were more adults than children and none of them looked healthy or happy . If I had to pick an emotion they looked resigned but intent . They didn 't make much noise though they made more than Daniel and I did and that is how we avoided running into them as I had been out looking for mints and other greens to bring back to the sink to dry for winter storage . Much to my personal displeasure they found the walnut tree next to the road that I 'd been watching over and they stripped it bare , taking even the greenest nuts not out of their husks . One woman fell down crying and thanking God . I was so angry that I looked up where God is supposed to be and asked why he 'd given those walnuts to them when I 'd been the one taking care of it since last autumn . It just didn 't seem fair . I didn 't get an answer but maybe a non - answer was still an answer in a way . Maybe it was just none of my business why He did some of the things He did them . And besides , there were other nut trees in the area , that one had just been fuller of nuts than the others had . Nuts were an important part of my plan . They provided fats and oils that some of the powdered and dried foods didn 't . They also were full of protein and that was important because Daniel and I used our muscles a lot . Most importantly when I couldn 't get Daniel to eat anything else I could always get him to eat a nut butter sandwich . There was peanut butter powder in the big cans of storage foods but it wasn 't the same as making fresh , creamy nut butter like I could with nuts that we foraged . I eventually was able to really stock up on nuts by spending a couple of weeks just working Daniel and me to pieces . And it seemed to take twice as long to do it too because the nuts were half the size they normally were . In my mind we couldn 't afford to let anyone else have any more of " our " food . I wouldn 't say we covered every acre in the BLM but we covered every one that we could and wound up with bushels and bushels of nuts that I left in the shell and stored in the coldest part of the cave . At night while Daniel played I would spend some time cracking nuts to get at the meats inside before starting work on the bottomless basket of sewing and mending . That basket was the bane of my existence ; no sooner would I imagine that I was nearly the end of the pile when I 'd find a bunch of new stuff that needed to go into the basket . I began to wonder if I would have enough thread and yarn to keep up with the work that had to be done to keep us in clothes and under things . Thread and yarn wasn 't the only things that I started to worry about running out of . It was a crisp , late October morning and Daniel was so frisky that I completely gave up on the chores I had planned for that day and decided we might as well go on another exploring run . We 'd pretty much exhausted the nearest roads and the area immediately surrounding the sink so I decided before it got really cold to go deeper into the BLM than we ever had . I stuffed our packs with lots of in - case stuff and enough rations to last us in case we got caught out overnight for some reason . I didn 't like it when that happened any more than Daniel did but it did happen on occasion . I made sure everything was locked up and taken care of and we headed off into the forest . I was doing my best to make notes on any potentially useful sights when we came across them . I also tried to make note of the landmarks so that we could make it home . I had forced myself to learn to navigate with a compass by reading a book in Dad 's library but Daniel either wouldn 't or couldn 't make heads or tails of it so it was just easier to point out landmarks to him . He had a head for things like that so it worked out to both of our advantage . Further and further we went into the unexplored territory . This area was very different from the area of the BLM around the sink . The elevation was higher so it was cooler and that also meant that the trees and plants were different too . I found stuff in that area that I hadn 't seen since spring time down near the sink . And there were plenty of conifers up there and that meant cones so of course we wound up picking up a back of them . Daniel didn 't enjoy arts and crafts very much but he loved to build things . Even though a lot of people would have thought him too old for it , he still played for hours with blocks , Lincoln Logs , and lego blocks . He also like to play with pine cones and the like . He would build really strange looking structures with them , or imagine them to be things they weren 't such as cars , but his favorite thing of all was to turn them into animals like cows , dogs , goats , and chickens by attaching little sticks for legs and leaves for ears . The really small cedar cones he would sometimes create baby chicks out of . The biggest difference between that area of the BLM and where we normally explored was the general terrain and the lack of real trails . I was breaking a path through some underbrush when my hair snagged on some dry branches . Within a step my bandana had been ripped off and the clip I used to keep my braid up off my neck had opened . As my braid fell out of the clip the twigs of the limb I got hung up in somehow tangled even worse in my rubber band and then pulled it off the end of my hair . There is very little worse that getting tangled up in the underbrush . It is why I kept my long hair braided and tucked up under a bandana in the first place … not to mention it helped so that I wasn 't constantly have to wash dirt and debris out of my hair . Daniel had finally let me keep his hair cut short so long as I was quick and only used scissors and not the clippers that buzzed near his ears . Losing my patience I yanked the rubber band without thinking about anything except putting it back in my hair before I had to completely re - braid everything . But when I pulled the rubber band popped and broke . I must have stood looking at the now useless piece of elastic for thirty seconds before sitting down and trying not to cry like a baby . " Aw Dacey , don 't cry , " Daniel tried to console me . He didn 't understand why I was upset but he knew that I was and just wanted to comfort me the way that I would do the same for him . " I 'm not going to cry Daniel but that was my last rubber band . Now how am I supposed to keep my hair from going all over the place ? " I looked at Daniel but he wasn 't looking at me , but behind me . Feeling a sudden panic I turned , bringing up the cross bow at the same time . There stood the young man with the straight , dark hair . He stood very still and then slowly raised his hands to show he had no weapon in them . Still moving slowly he reached in his pocket and pulled something out . It wasn 't a gun ; it was a piece of string that looked a lot like the leather laces out of my father 's work boots . " No I wasn 't … , " I started to argue and that 's when I noticed that the young man , I remembered the old woman had called him Abel , was smiling like something was funny but sad at the same time . I could tell that whatever he was feeling was genuine and despite my own commonsense I lowered the crossbow . I could tell right away that I 'd surprised him from the way he blinked his eyes and raised his eyebrows . I shrugged and said , " I 've seen you fight . If you meant us harm I guess you could have snuck up on us and had your way without going to all this trouble and letting me hold a bolt on you . " Abel wasn 't offended , you could tell by the real humor still in his eyes but he didn 't say anything either . He did make a chirping noise with his lips and then the dog came out of the bushes . I stiffened up at the sight of her but all Daniel remembered was the wet nose tickles that she had given to him . " Dog ! Look Dacey it 's the dog . " The dog looked as thrilled to see Daniel as he was to see her . After looking at me to make sure it was OK , Abel made another noise and the dog then went up to Daniel to sniff him again and before long they were both sitting on the ground making a complete mess of themselves . Even with the lack of a tail I could tell that the dog was having a blast ; her back end was wiggling ninety to nothing . Obviously this was going to take some time so Abel swept off a rock and then pointed to me and then to the rock like I was supposed to sit . It was kind of funny but kind of sweet too . No one but my dad had ever pulled out a chair for me to sit on but this felt like the same kind of thing . After I had sat down and Abel had taken the time to look around a bit he sat too on the ground near my feet . He looked up at me and after a brief hesitation nodded . I was going to ask him something else but Daniel piped up , " Dacey , I 'm hungry and so is dog . Can we have lunch now ? " My breath caught . Both the dog and the young man were rail thin . I was in the middle of figuring out what to say when Abel pulled a hunk of raw hide out of his pocket and tossed it to the dog who snatched it out of the air and walked off a few feet to start chewing on it . " Daniel , " I told my brother . " The dog is eating so don 't bother her . You know how you don 't like me messing with your food while you 're eating . " Once Daniel had nodded I pulled off my pack and handed him a ham sandwich with sprouts hanging out of the sides . Abel eyes got big as dinner plates . I 'd made four sandwiches and I knew it wasn 't going to strain us any to share with him . He backed up like I was trying to feed him poison or something . " Knock it off ; it 's just a ham sandwich . It 's not a snake , it won 't bite you . " I could tell he wanted one the way his eyes were glued to my hand and I could also see his mouth was watering so much there was spit in the corner of his lips . But he just shook his head and pointed at the sandwich then at me . I don 't know what it is about Abel . He never said a word yet it was like his thoughts were running in plain English right across his face . He wasn 't going to take food away from me . I don 't think there is anything worse than when a boy sets his mind to be stubborn . Abel , now that I 'd gotten a good look at him , appeared to be about Jeff 's age or maybe a little older . His beard was heavy but the hair was soft and fine like he hadn 't been shaving for long before he let it start to grow . It was also a little thin in places like his face wasn 't all filled in yet . I figured that was about like it was with my legs . It used to be only the front of my legs really needed to be shaved but I stopped bothering with it because it was such a pain and no one but Daniel to see anyway and now all my legs are just about as hairy as a guys would have been had there been any guys around wearing shorts for me to look at . Most girls shave their legs before guys have to shave their faces . All of that together is what made me think he couldn 't have been much past 20 years old . " I 'm not giving you the sandwich . It 's a trade . You gave me the string to tie my braid and since I want to keep the string I have to trade you something for it . " It wasn 't working and now I was getting hungry . " Don 't be a blockhead . Look , I 've got a sandwich for me and Daniel is eating just fine . If Daniel wasn 't taken care of I wouldn 't offer to trade you the sandwich . Take the extra one already before I get cranky . " Abel looked at me like I 'd lost my mind but he must have seen something on my face . It was Daniel that sealed the deal however . " Abel , she really can get cranky if you don 't mind her . Eat the sandwich and she 'll stop growling . " " See , I told you that you bite the sandwich the sandwich doesn 't bite you , " I told him satisfied that I 'd finally gotten my way . It was nice just sitting there . I was full and Daniel was as well as no amount of begging on my part would get him to eat the last corner of his sandwich so I wrapped it up knowing he 'd probably eat it on the way back to the sink . I looked up and saw that we 'd have to start heading back if we were to make it home before dark but it was hard to get up the will for what had to be . All of a sudden the dog stopped playing with Daniel and got real stiff legged looking up the trail from where Abel had come from . Abel too had gone all strange . He turned to look at Daniel and I and then all but picked up Daniel and sent him down the mountain with a push . Me he grabbed and put my pack in my arms and shoved me down towards Daniel more roughly and when I would have opened my mouth he jerked his hand across his throat in an obvious sign for silence . Suddenly Abel had a knife … and doggone big one too … in his hand and was poised to move . Then I heard it too , several people moving down the path muttering quietly in some language I didn 't recognize . And then I saw them … more Blue Hats . I put my crossbow to the ready but a lightweight hand across mine was Abel 's way of telling me not to jump the gun . These men were as thin as Abel but not as raggedy . There equipment was used but in good shape , similar to the other group of Blue Hats from months back but that 's where the similarities ended . These men didn 't have the additional scarves on their heads and they weren 't swarthy . In all honesty they reminded me of the big blonde bad guy from the first Indiana Jones movie or the Russian boxer in that Rocky movie series that Dad had enjoyed watching over and over again . The language they spoke , the few words I caught , was different as well . I got the impression that even though the two groups of Blue Hats wore the same uniform they were somehow distinct and not necessarily on the same side . I could tell that Abel was torn . He wanted to get away as soon as possible which meant us going our own ways , but our way home would take us down the same path that the Blue Hats had gone . He opened his mouth a couple of times like he was going to speak and though I was eager to hear a word actually come out of his mouth I was in charge of Daniel and me , not him . He didn 't seem to understand what I was asking so I drew a picture in the dirt . When he understood what I was asking he nodded . " Which branch of the Y did the Blue Hats take ? " He drew his own diagram for me . " OK , no problem . We won 't cross paths with them . Thanks for the hair tie . " I made get up and get Daniel ready for the trail home but as I stood Abel grabbed my upper arm . I jumped and looked at him . He slowly turned loose of me and nodded his head . He had to chirp for the dog twice before it would leave Daniel 's side . It somehow made it harder when Daniel said , " Next time we need to bring doggy food Dacey . " Over the next several days I couldn 't get the whole thing out of my head . Some things just kept jumping out at me . One , I 'd never heard Abel 's voice yet I had the feeling that he could speak ; it felt more like he was choosing not to . Two , where was the old woman that had been with him before ? Three , in all the time since Daniel and I had gone into hiding we 'd only seen Blue Hats twice and both times were when we had also met seen Abel . Maybe twice was just a coincidence but it seemed a pretty strange one if it was . November came in with a vengeance . The first week was nothing but cold , hard rain . Dad had dried the bottom of the sink out using a French drain system and by redirecting the spring runoff to a stream but nothing could keep up with the rain we had that week . Everything was soaked and overflowing . When I finally braved the cold to get out for a few moments it was to find that the stream had turned into a river and even backed up in places to create a wide , shallow miniature lake . Investigating to see why the stream was backing up I found a tree had fallen over and created a kind of dam . It was not fun trying to clear the blockage . The water and mud were as cold as ice and I was exhausted by the time I finally sawed and chopped through the tree in two different places so I could take out of chunk for the water to flow through . And then suddenly it was the middle of November and it warmed up like crazy . And with the warm weather and all of the standing water the mosquitoes tried to hatch enough of themselves to conquer the world . It was absolutely awful . Even the chickens seemed miserable and listless from the attacks of the little bloodsuckers . By the end of November it had turned cold again which was a blessed relief , especially the morning we woke up to a frost which meant the end of this year 's crop of flying leeches . Daniel and I had been cooped up for nearly a month and we were both just itching to get out and about again . We packed up and without even talking about it we both set off for the area we 'd met Abel in . But when we started to climb I began to rethink our path . It wasn 't just a little cool ; even with the sun full on us it was downright cold enough to take your breath away . In the cold , crisp air sound seemed to carry forever … or it should have . There were no sounds that day . Daniel was the first to notice it . He started crowding me on the trail and I turned to ask him to be careful when I saw his face . I immediately pulled us both off the trail and whispered , " Daniel , what 's wrong ? " " NO ! " Daniel startled me . It was only rarely that he threw a tantrum anymore . " We have to Dacey … we have to . " But the way he said it I wasn 't too sure he was very happy about saying it . He would have taken off without me if I hadn 't gone along . He was getting too big for me to just pick up and drag him to make him do what I wanted him to do . And his insistence on knowing what was happening had infected me . We continued up the trail but much more cautiously ; and a good thing too because as soon as we turned another bend we found Dog lying on the trail . Daniel tried to run to Dog but I held him back ; I wasn 't sure how the injured dog would react . I eased up and the dog never moved ; she was breathing but unconscious and there was a bloody gash on her head . I picked the animal up and took her off of the trail then looked at Daniel . " Daniel this is important … very , very important . I want you to stay here and not make any noise . I 'll be back as soon as I can . " After the last encounter with Abel I decided the crossbow wasn 't enough . I had gotten out some of the guns that Dad had taught me to shoot with and then cleaned them and practiced dry shooting until I was sure that I knew what I was doing . The rifle I had in my hand was the one that he 'd used to kill the hogs and that he 'd used for big game hunting . A little away from a group of people an old woman was on the ground , dead eyes staring at the gray sky above . I was pretty sure that it was the same old woman but whether it was or wasn 't didn 't make a hill of beans since she 'd already passed . What was important was the man that was tied face forward to a tree and what the other men were doing to him . Four men were laughing and … and cursing I guess as it was hard to tell since it wasn 't in English . They had a small fire and they 'd take a stick out of the fire , shake the flames out leaving a red hot tip that they would then press against the man 's back . That man was Abel . Posted by |
Penny smiled and got up . " If Tara comes , tell her I 'll be back in a minute , " she told Kay before heading in the direction of the break room . She froze in the doorway when she saw the backs of the two detectives . " Damn . " Lewis sat down at the empty table , leaving Penny to face the two alone . Bayliss and Pembleton were seated at the other , talking about their latest case while they ate lunch . The pair of New Yorkers turned around after they had thrown away their cardboard coffee cups , and greeted Penny with the fakest smiles she 'd ever seen . " We were in the neighborhood and we decided to drop by and see how our old friends were doing , " the man , Murdok , replied . " Where 's Logan ? " " He 's out on a call . " Penny sighed , she knew this was coming . " Mike redeemed himself by walking the beat for three years . You know he earned the right to wear a detective 's badge again . " Penny 's temper rose a little . " He wanted to start fresh . There 's nothing wrong with that . And if you think this is hicksville , maybe you should check out the board . There 's a lot of homicides happening down here in hicksville . " Even though she was over him , Penny was still wounded by the information . She hadn 't wanted to know , and now that she did , it only made her begin to bleed again . " No I didn 't know that , " she said quietly . She almost started to laugh . " Mourning ? Lance screwed around behind my back . I broke up with him . He didn 't die . " She once again turned away . " Naw , how could he tell her a thing like that ? " Opperilo joked . " Maybe it 's a thing with the name Mike . Maybe they 're all dirty . " Her mind exploded . She wouldn 't let them talk about her boyfriend like that . She wouldn 't let them talk about her best friend like that either . She attacked them both at the same time . Penny shoved Opperilo away , causing the woman to fall back against the wall . She punched Murdok square in the jaw , causing him to fall flat on the floor . Lewis , Pembleton , and Bayliss just sat there for a few seconds . They hadn 't expected her to take both of them on . Penny jumped on Murdok , and was about to start beating his brains in when Opperilo caught her fist . " Don 't touch me , bitch , " she growled and pushed the woman away . Bayliss leaned over to pry Penny off , but she wouldn 't have it . She kicked him right in the stomach , causing him to lose his balance and fall backwards onto Pembleton . Logan walked in at that instant , and dropped his lunch at first sight of the fight . Lewis leaned over , grabbed Penny around the waist and dragged her off the man . " Come on , Champ , " he said calmly , " Round one is over . " Meanwhile , Tara had arrived in the squad room moments before . The only one around was Kellerman , so she was making small talk with him while she waited for Penny to appear . They heard the commotion from where they were , but didn 't think much of it until Logan walked in with Penny over his shoulder caveman style . " Great , this is great . Just what I need right now , " Kellerman grumbled . He glanced over at the Box where Penny was pacing like a caged animal . " I guess I should go talk to her . " Mike walked straight to the Box and closed the door behind him . Penny 's temper had cooled , but was not completely out . She sat on the corner of the table and took a deep breath . " No , actually , I wasn 't . " Penny had no idea what was going on . She was the one who had just been in a fight , and here was Kellerman yelling at her . " Yes you were , admit it . " Her words should have had a calming effect on Mike , but they only resulted in pissing him off even more . " You know what ? I don 't think this is working out . I think we should break up . " Realization crossed Penny 's face as she stood and approached Mike . " Oh , so it 's not that it isn 't working , it 's that you don 't think it will work . " He didn 't respond , and she took his hand . " Don 't you want to wait and see ? We 're doing fine , so far . There 's no reason to think that it won 't work out . " He took his hand back and sat in the corner with his arms crossed . " No reason ? What about the fact that none of my relationships ever work out , huh ? There 's a start . " Penny simply wasn 't in the mood to deal with this kind of screwed up logic . " You 're breaking up with me because you 're afraid that I 'll eventually break up with you ? That 's the stupidest thing I ever heard . I am not your ex - wife . Look at me , " she screamed at him . He raised his head . " I am not Annie . I do not go sleeping around behind the back of the man I love . And I don 't plan on breaking up with you anytime in the near future ! " " Yeah , not today and not tomorrow , but eventually . I 'm sick of it . So I 'm through with it . I 'm not doing this anymore . " She had an urge to kill Kellerman now . She was so infuriated with him , giving up when she had so much hope for them . " Fine . Great . Super . Suit yourself . But I 'd never , ever , screw you over like that . " She left the Box , slamming the door behind her . " MEN ! " she yelled into the noisy squad room . By then everyone had returned to their desks , and they all stopped what they were doing and stared at her . " Looks like I don 't have plans for lunch , " Tara grumbled and sat down in Kellerman 's chair . " My plans just left too . Wanna grab something to eat with me ? " Lewis offered . Penny Graham was quiet on the ride home with Tara . She headed straight for the piano upon arriving at their place of abode and let her emotions flow out of her . She was angry . . . angry at herself , angry at Kellerman , angry at Murdok and Opperilo , angry at Logan , angry at Lance . . . angry with the entire world . She closed her eyes and stopped herself from thinking . She just wanted to feel , to let it all out . She could think later . Mik and Tara stood in the doorway and watched their friend pour her heart out over the piano , knowing there was nothing they could do but wait . Kellerman left the precinct and started to head home before changing his mind . He needed to clear his mind , and what better way to do that than going for a walk . He wandered the streets of Baltimore in seemingly no direction until he found himself in front of the house owned by Penny , Tara , and Mik . With no intention of going in , he walked up the porch steps and sat down . He didn 't know what drew him there , but as long as no one came in or went out of the front door , there shouldn 't be a problem with him just sitting there . He heard the music from where he was outside . The melody was unfamiliar , but the emotion it portrayed was not - intense anger , rage . He let the music sink into his being , feeling her anger mix with his own . She kept playing . . . 20 minutes , a half hour . . . and that didn 't include how long she was playing before he got there . And then , suddenly , she stopped , almost in mid note . It was like stopping in the middle of a sentence . He was about to get up when it started again . But now , it was slow and sad song , full of pain and longing . Much to his surprise , Mike realized that she was playing the same exact melody . " It really is what you put into it , " he thought as he listened . It amazed him that the same notes could sound so different just by the performer 's touch . He left before she finished the piece , and spent a long lonely night on his boat . The song Penny was playing came straight from her heart out to her fingers . It was an original composition , something that she 'd never write down or play again . Something that lasted only as long as her fingers flitted along the keys with heartache . She wasn 't aware of the fact that Kellerman had stopped by , not that she would have cared anyway . She was only conscious of herself for a full hour , until she ran out of energy and stopped playing . Tara and Mik helped her to her bedroom where she fell into a fitful sleep . The next day was business as usual in the Homicide unit . Penny started it off apologizing profusely to Bayliss for kicking him in the stomach . He tried to dismiss it with a wave of his hand , but Penny still felt guilty . He was able to convince her that it was no big deal , but only after letting her say how truly sorry she was . The rest of the day went like clockwork , Kellerman and Penny avoiding each other like the plague . It was Friday , the beginning of what would be a lonely weekend for both of them . Friday night and Saturday found Penny in her room , only coming out to eat meals , while Friday night found Kellerman at The Waterfront , and a great part of Saturday nursing a hangover . On Sunday Penny went for a walk along the water . There were tree - lined paths along parts of the harbor , without crowds , the perfect place for her to go to think . She sat under a weeping willow and thought about her argument with Kellerman . She finally decided that there was nothing she could have done to avoid it , that he still had some things he needed to work out before he could get into a relationship . Although it killed her to do so , she came to the conclusion that it would be better for him if they just stayed friends . Even though she hadn 't known him long , she cared for him a great deal , and didn 't want to let go to what they had . But it was in his best interests , so she made her decision . Monday was a regular day . She talked to Kellerman exactly once , asking him some generic question about his weekend . He was polite but very formal . Penny knew that things wouldn 't be fixed in a day , but hoped that she had started them back on the road to friendship . On the other hand , Mike couldn 't understand why she was being nice to him after he dumped her . Little did she know that he had thought about her all weekend , and he couldn 't get her music out of his head . So Monday came and went , followed by Tuesday . Penny stayed after her shift , working on some paper work in the empty squad room . She was typing up a report when her mind began to wander . She sat back in her chair , allowing her eyes to run around the room until they came to Kellerman 's desk . She stared at it until Kay 's voice interrupted her . " What are you doing here so late , Champ ? " Kay asked . Since her run in with Murdok and Opperilo , most of Penny 's friends latched onto the nickname that had inadvertently slipped out of Lewis ' mouth as he helped break it up . Penny wrestled with the idea for a minute . When it came to her love life , she very rarely asked other 's opinions . She made her own choices without any help . Then again , according to Detective Kellerman , her love life was non existent at the moment . " I don 't know . I mean , Kellerman 's a nice guy , right ? " " Right . And he wanted to break up with me , and that 's ok . That 's his choice . But it 's just , I don 't know . We can be friends . I can do that . But not like this . " " Not the way we are now . I can 't let him . . . I can 't let myself end it like this . Screaming at each other . It 's childish and stupid . " She ushered her friend to her car and started off to the marina . Penny looked out of the window towards the sky the entire way there . Kay thought about the past few days . She knew , as did practically everyone else in Homicide , about her big blowout with Kellerman . And she was impressed with the fact that Penny didn 't let it affect her work in the slightest . She was as quick as ever , and worked hard without a complaint , though her small jokes and wit weren 't forthcoming as they had been . " Hey , Graham , " she said as Penny was about to close the door . Penny stuck her head back in and waited for Kay to continue . " It 'll be alright . " She smiled at the notion and closed the door . She went in and out of the docks until she came across one named Case Closed . The wind had picked up and wrecked havoc on her hair . " Mike . . . " she called into the night . " Mike . . . " Her voice was getting lost in the wind , and she knew it . She decided on a different approach . " Kellerman . . . " she yelled , reasoning that it had more syllables , so he 'd be more likely to hear it . Meanwhile , Mike was lying on his couch in his sweat pants and a plain black t - shirt . He had just been watching some stupid movie on cable , and it annoyed him that the guy got the girl and they lived happily ever after , because real life wasn 't like that . He had his walkman on , blasting his Billy Joel CD . He wasn 't really listening to the words until " Tell Her About it " came on . " Tell her about it . Tell her everything you feel . Give her every reason to accept that you 're for real . Tell her about it . Tell her all your crazy dreams . And at that moment , right after the first round of the chorus , the stupidity of the situation hit him . He broke up with Penny because he thought that she 'd break up with him . He was in danger of losing her simply because he was afraid he 'd lose her . It was the dumbest thing he 'd ever heard of , and it was his own logic . " I have to talk to her , " he said , taking his headphones off . That 's when he heard a thud , like someone jumping onto his boat . He grabbed his gun and slowly snuck towards the door . Little did he know that after 15 minutes of yelling futiley into the wind , Penny had decided to just get on the damn boat . She jumped from the dock , landing on the deck with a loud thump . The sliding glass door leading to the living quarters of the boat was shut , and the curtains all drawn . " Don 't these things have a doorbell or something ? " she asked herself , wondering how on earth she was going to get his attention . " Kellerman . . . " she yelled again . Mike immediately recognized her voice and put his gun back before opening his sliding glass door . She was standing on his boat , her hair flying to one side in the wind . It was the most wonderful sight in the world , to see Penny there on his boat in the dark storm . Without speaking , he walked right up to her and slid his right hand onto her left cheek , holding her face in one place , and kissed her . His tongue outlined her lips before she submitted to it , allowing him to explore her mouth . He finally stepped back and looked at her standing there in shock . She followed him into what was a combination living room / kitchen . He motioned for her to sit down and asked if she wanted anything to drink . She shook her head , and he sat beside her on the couch . Penny was lost for words . He was her boyfriend , then he broke up with her , then he was her friend , and now he 's kissing her on his boat . She hadn 't the slightest idea what he was to her , or what she was to him . " You 're Penelope Graham . " She smiled and he continued . " Honestly , I don 't know what you are to me . I know I like you . . . I like you a lot . " She reached down to his hands , which he was staring at in his lap . She didn 't try to hold them in her own , but placed them on top of his . " That 's a start . " He looked up at her , but she was staring at his hands now . " I like you a lot too . " She started to run her fingers along the lines in his hands , sending invisible shivers down his spine . No one else ever made him feel like that . " So where do we go from here ? " She looked at him , but continued to gently explore his hands with her own . " I 'm sorry that I yelled back . . . but if you 're not ready for this - dating , flowers , kissing . . . if you 're not ready for me , that 's ok . I 'll wait for you . " It was the most beautiful sentiment Mike had ever heard . No one offered to wait for him , girlfriend or otherwise , before . " Here you are , over your old boyfriend after a few months , and here I am , still hung up on my ex - wife after a few years . I should be telling you that I 'll wait , not the other way around . " Penny stared at the sad , puppy - dog expression on Mike 's face . Only time , and nothing but honesty on her part , would allow him to trust her . By coming here tonight , she hoped that she had begun to build upon the foundation of trust they had created on their first date . " Do you know what the name Penelope means , Mike ? " She let go of his hands , much to his disappointment , and leaned back on the arm of the couch . " It 's about Odysseus , who goes on this long journey . I don 't remember all the details , but his many adventures run the course of 30 or 40 years . He 's married to the beautiful Penelope . After a few years , everyone believes that Odysseus must be dead , so all these suitors try to win Penelope 's heart . She doesn 't love any of them , and wants to stay true to her husband , but the men won 't leave her alone . She finally agrees that she will start seeing them on one condition : that she can complete the weaving that she 's working on . " Penny paused to catch her breath before continuing . " The men think that this sounds fair , and decide to wait for her to finish it . Penelope works on the weaving all day . . . but at night , she sneaks over to her loom and takes out all of the threads that she wove that day . When her husband does return and kills all of her suitors , the weaving still isn 't finished thanks to her quick thinking , so she had managed to remain faithful . " Mike thought about it for a second . Forget a long journey , he wanted to kill that guy in bed with Annie after coming home from work . " I guess I would . " He kissed the top of her head and put his arms around her . " What do you want with a guy like me anyway ? I 'm not particularly smart , I can 't dance , I don 't have any special talents . . . " That shut him up fast . " I can 't promise this will last forever , " Penny said after a sizable silence passed between them . " I can 't say that we 'll fall in love , get married and live happily ever after . I can 't even guarantee that we 'll be together next week . But no matter what , I 'll never do anything that I think will hurt you . And I 'll always be here for you . Even if we fight again tomorrow and break up for good , I always be your friend Mike . I 'll always be faithful . " She pushed her sunglasses down her nose and peered over them at him , " I know what you said . And I know what you meant . You know , us chickies aren 't as stupid as you think . Right Kay ? " " Well , well , is that Penny Graham over there ? " Bayliss asked as he came out of the break room . " I hardly recognize her standing over there with a smile on her face . " The day went as smoothly as could be expected in the Homicide department . Not many new calls , so the detectives were able to do follow ups on already open cases . Kay was pleased that everything seemed to be working out for Penny , and though she didn 't say so outright , Penny understood that her ' partner ' was happy for her . Furthermore , Kay was proud to notice that Pen didn 't make excuses to go talk to Mike . She did her work as if nothing was different , save the fact that her sarcasm was back in full force . About a half hour before their shift ended , Mike approached Penny at her desk . " You want to come to The Waterfront with me after work ? " " Me ? A detective ? Nah , I can never figure out those murder mysteries in books . " He helped her with her coat and studied her for a second . " You wouldn 't want to . . . no . I mean , would you . . . . no . . . " He looked at the floor . " I heard that you were a really good dancer . I don 't have the slightest clue how to dance . . . I was wondering if you could teach me . " She put her arm around his shoulder as she started towards the stairs . " Tell ya what . Why don 't you come on by right before closing . It 'll be almost empty , and if any of the ones that are still around say anything to you , I 'll beat the hell out of them . What do you say ? " Penny went across the street to her favorite hangout , and was welcomed with smiles . She felt like she was in an episode of Cheers . " Here , " she said , putting a wad of money onto the bar , " Drinks on me until this runs out . " She found Kellerman at a table in the corner , where they sat for the remainder of the evening , sharing quiet conversation about nothing in particular . " Almost closing , kids , " Bayliss warned them from behind the bar . Penny turned around to see who else was left . Lewis and Munch were fixing tablecloths and the like , and Logan was at the bar , obviously further than his first beer . When he asked for another , she motioned to Bayliss not to give him anymore . But Mike didn 't seem to care , and sat there looking at the bottles of liquor lined up against the wall . " Mike , you wouldn 't mind if I made plans for right now , would you ? " At that point , Brodie poked his head in the door , which was followed by the rest of his body . " Brodie , what are you doing here ? " Munch asked in his typical what - the - hell - do - you - think - you 're - doing way . " He 's with me , John , " Penny said before turning back to Kellerman . " Brodie asked me to teach him how to dance . " " Well you don 't need my permission , go teach him . " She walked over to Brodie and started talking to him quietly and Mike joined Logan at the bar . " I 'm going to put some music on , but we 're not going to dance yet . I just want you to listen . Listen to the song and let it enter your soul . Feel it . Live it . " She put some money in the juke box and made her selections . The first song was an oldie but a goodie - " Flashdance - What a Feeling . " Penny refrained from dancing herself and encouraged Brodie to let the music enter his being . That said and done , when the next song came on , she started him dancing . He was somewhat awkward , partly because he was afraid he was doing something wrong . " Brodie , in dancing there is no right and wrong . Do whatever you feel , that 's what 's right , " she tried to explain . The next song brought better results . He started to relax and let himself go . " Shove it , Munch , " she yelled back . She was enjoying herself , and she wasn 't going to let John ruin her , or Brodie 's , fun . " It 's time to close , come on Pen . " About then Mik walked in to an interesting sight . She was supposed to pick up Penny , but instead found her dancing around the bar with the precinct videographer . " I 'm almost done , Mik , " she said , and Mik joined the guys at the bar . Lewis provided him with fifty cents , and Mike walked over to the jukebox . Penny and Brodie were too involved with what they were doing to notice him . Brodie had finally let loose , and was dancing up a storm alongside his companion . The last song ended , and she was about to tell him it was time to call it a night when music started again : Billy Joel 's ' She 's got a Way . ' She turned around to see Kellerman standing by the jukebox . " Would you like to dance ? " Mik did as Penny asked and approached the once again shy Brodie . While she helped him put his arms in the right place , Penny occupied herself with Mike . They slowly swayed back and forth , keeping their eyes locked . He spun her out once , and when he brought her back , rather than facing him , her back was to him . Instead of turning around , she reached up behind her and put her arms around his neck . Mike wrapped his arms around her thin waist and rested his chin on her shoulder . She closed her eyes and soaked up the situation , enjoying every minute of it . Kellerman always liked this song , and it reminded him of Penny , especially one line , which he sung along to into her ear : " Penny . Just look at her . She 's wonderful . " The four focused on her , and watched her slowly move her hips to the music and she and Mike held on to one another . Even when she slow danced there was a subtle sexuality about her , and that fascinated them . . . or Tim and Meldrick anyway . Penny 's eyes popped open , and looked at Logan . One hand held his empty cup , but the other was in a tight fist . She hadn 't heard exactly what they were saying over there , but she knew it was about her . She also knew that if they 'd said anything , even in jest , that would tarnish her good image , he 'd start a fight . Lewis began to back up , and Bayliss moved to get on the other side of Logan to restrain him . " She 's not a prostitute , " Mike repeated . By then Penny had reached him . She grabbed his right arm and tried to get him to back off , but he pushed her away . He lunged at Lewis , but Tim was ready , and caught him before he could do any damage . Mike calmed down quickly , but there was still anger on his face . Penny took him to a corner table and sat him down . She leaned over , her forehead against his , looking him straight in the eye . " It 's just bar talk . They didn 't mean it . " " On the couch . I don 't want to leave him alone when he 's like this . I 'll get a ride with one of the guys . There 's something I should tell them . " She gently pulled Mike off her shoulder , " Mik 's going to take you home , ok ? " She smiled at his concern . " I 'll be home in a little bit . I 'll tuck you in . But I want you to go with Mik now . " She kissed him on the forehead and helped him up . " Now you listen to her . I 'll be there soon . " She watched the two leave the bar before she turned to the others . " Look , you guys have a tendency to treat me like a little girl . I know what you talk about in the squad room and I know what you talk about in bars . Just because I 'm new to Baltimore , it doesn 't mean I 'm new to the rest of this . I was on the force over five years before I came down here , and I know what goes on , so somebody spill it . " Tim and Meldrick exchanged a sheepish glance , and Munch kept his eyes glued to the bar , where he was determined to shine one section of it . Penny softened her voice a bit before continuing . " I know you were talking about me . The only time Mikey 's done something like that was when this guy was hitting on me . I didn 't welcome his attention , so Logan hit on him . Literally . Just tell me . " " Cool it , Mike , " Penny said , lowering her voice . " I only break up one fight a night . " She sat down on a stool , and searched the faces of those in front of her . " They were bound to find out sooner or later , " she reasoned in her head , " So they might as well hear it from me . " " Let me tell you something , my parents died when I was 20 . I don 't have any close relatives , so I had to take care of everything myself . Their insurance only covered about 1 / 3 of the funeral . . . and I was still in the academy . I had a job , but I didn 't make all that much . I had to sell practically everything of theirs , including the apartment , to cover the costs . With that done , I needed more money . I needed a place to stay , a way to eat , and money for tuition . All my loans were in their name , and the damn bank wouldn 't give any to me because I didn 't have any credit . " They looked at her as if she just told them that she swam to England and back in an hour . " You needed more money , so you became a stripper ? " Tim asked , trying to figure it out in his head . " It 's not like I said , ' Hey , I need money , I guess I 'll just take my clothes off for some dough . ' I needed a flexible schedule because I was still in school , and believe it or not , strippers make good money . So I went to school by day , danced in skimpy rags at night , and got sleep here and there . I was what they called a ' tease , ' I didn 't take off all my clothes , just the major pieces . I also worked at a strict ' look don 't touch ' joint . The one guy who ever tried to cop a feel ended up with a broken nose care of one of the bouncers . When I graduated and started on foot patrol , I quit stripping and got a job waitressing when I wasn 't on duty . " " How exactly am I supposed to ease into a conversation like this , huh ? ' Oh , by the way , I used to strip , how about you ? ' " She looked at them each in the face , " And now , whenever you look at me , whenever you see me dance , you 'll think , ' Wow , she used to be a stripper . ' Whether you want to or not , that will be in the back of your mind . Logan 's the only one who knew . He was investigating a murder when I was working there . Years later , as my luck would have it , we ended up in the same precinct . " She smiled a little at the memory , " It took him almost a month to recognize me . When he did , I explained the whole situation to him , and he never said a word . But somehow our friends Murdok and Opperilo found out , and they started hassling me . They called me a prostitute , and that got Mike mad because I never sold myself for money . That 's why he was so pissed off at you . You must have mentioned prostitutes in there somewhere . " " See , that 's what gets me mad . You see a stripper and you think ' whore ' or ' slut ' or worse . The girls I worked with didn 't do anything but take their clothes off . Some were single mothers , some were working their way through school like me . . . they have real lives . That 's the difference between you and me , " she said to the group as a whole . " I see a stripper , or even a prostitute , and I think ' poor woman to be reduced to this for a buck . ' " She put her face in her hands for a moment , trying not to cry over the painful memories . " You know what ? " Brodie asked , sitting next to her , " I won 't think of you like that . I think you 're a great detective , and I think you 're a great dancer . When I see you , I 'll think , ' That 's Detective Graham . She 's a nice lady , and she taught me how to dance . ' " This time when Penny laughed , it was because she thought what he just said was hysterical . " No , " she giggled , " I 've always danced like that , but it sure did come in handy . In fact , " she glanced over at the other guys , who were still at a loss , " I could probably teach those girls on The Block a thing or two . " The other detectives in the room continued to stare at her , and she became slightly annoyed that they didn 't laugh at her little joke . " What do you want me to say ? You want to hear how dirty I felt every night after letting those awful men stare at me ? You want to hear about the way I 'd walk through Times Square at one in the morning with a switchblade in my sock praying that no one would mug me ? " " Yup , but I never had any problems . In fact , I intimidated the scum of the streets more than they could intimidate me . I put the word out that I was handy with my knife , and because I always looked so damned sure of myself all the time , no one was willing to put my claims to the test . " " You 're not ? " " No . When I look at you I still see a tough detective who stands up for others . . . who works hard to get the job done . But I will tell you this , the next time I see a stripper , or a prostitute , I 'll see them at more than face value . Now I 'll think about what you said , about them having real lives . " It was the absolute perfect thing to say , and eased Penny 's mind a great deal . " Thanks Meldrick , " she said getting up and giving him a brief hug . " Thanks a million . " All of that said and done , that matter , as far as Penny was concerned , was closed . " Good night , gentlemen . " She slipped into her coat and walked out the door , leaving the five to think about what just occured . She stopped in her tracks and turned around , the moonlight bringing out the red highlights in her hair . " ' Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight ? ' " she asked her approaching companion . When he reached her with a puzzled expression on her face , she explained . " Jack Nicholson in ' Batman ' . " " The devil or stripping ? " she asked , but didn 't let him answer . " That was a long time ago . I 've worked it out and put it behind me . I 'm not ashamed of what I did , I 'm just afraid that when people find out that they 'll look at me differently . " " That 's true , but we aren 't talking about most women , we 're talking about you . And I care about you , stripping and all . " He took her hand and they continued walking . Penny smiled to herself now that the last of her fears had been smashed . Now her friends knew , and they still saw her as the same old Penny ; for that she was grateful . As they walked through the streets , Penny 's eyes were everywhere , soaking in every possible detail of the city that was finally beginning to feel like home . Yeah , yeah , it 's me again . Just a little side note - some things in my story may not be totally obvious because I wrote them assuming that the reader had already read my co - authors ' stories . Above and beyond that , if you do read theirs , I will admit that not all of the facts gel . We contradict each other sometimes , due to the fact that we 're writing first , then finding out what the other two have written . And we don 't change our work . . . so just pretend that everything is ok . After all , it 's just a story . . . |
So much has changed in the past two years , and yet there are still many things that are still the same . Jason has gotten much stronger , and more independent , and the girls have grown so much . We are now looking for a piece of land where the Gary Sinise Foundation will be building him a home , and he intends to settle down here in the San Diego area . Actually , we talked about the possibility of settling back home , up in Livermore , but after the two visits he determined that the weather in San Diego is more to what he needs . He really doesn 't do well in hot weather , nor in cold weather , and neither is experienced down here . He thought about other places , and parts of the country , but still San Diego seems to have won out . Today was a nice relaxed day , and Jason only had a couple of appointments to take care of , as well as picking up of his meds . Actually , the pharmacy was kind of surprising today , as we walked in and there were probably 15 people in line to just pick up their prescriptions , and usually there are only maybe four . On top of this , there were multiple windows open , so we weren 't too sure about what there was a delay . While Jason was waiting , I got a chance to speak with a couple of his doctors , and we have tentatively set up a date in late November for the next laser treatment and for the next biopsy . There is a concern that there might be an infection and they want to be sure of a course of action . The really good news is that apparently there isn 't a great concern about it , as they don 't mind waiting another couple of weeks . With today being Halloween , the house was visited by a bunch of trick - or - treaters , and we nearly ran out of candy . I didn 't actually count the number of kids that came by , but I think there were close to 40 kids who knocked on the door . The great thing about living in military housing is that the vast majority of the homes have kids , and most of them are small . It was fun seeing them all have a great time , and the parents stayed with them for their journeys from house to house . About 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) the kids pretty much stopped coming and Jason wanted to go see that new movie , " Enders Game . " It was a 20 : 00 ( 8pm ) showing , and the theater was only about 1 / 3 full ( an unadvertised showing , that Jason only heard about ) . The movie was pretty good , and Jason had read the book and felt that they followed the story line really well . I would give it an 8 . 5 out of 10 , and recommend it to others . We are home now , and I need to get to bed , so with that I 'll say good night . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Wow , to thing that two years ago I was doing my best to pack up all our stuff in Bethesda , MD , knowing we would be leaving early tomorrow morning for San Diego . To look back on those times , and on Jason specifically , I think if I was given that same choice today I would have said let 's hold on for another few weeks . Jason was much stronger and recovering nicely , but no where near as strong as he is today , and even today I still worry about some of the things we need to be aware of when traveling . I am glad we made the journey , and since coming out this way we have met even more great people , so over all it has been a good choice . However , we do miss some of the folks and all our friends we made back in Bethesda . The good news is that we 've made some new friends out here and making new ones all the time . We got the girls up and to their respective day cares this morning , and then Jason went to his PT , with Dawn . The session was good , and Gracie was a funny as ever - she likes to " talk " to everyone while at PT , and that is the only place I think I 've seen her act that way . I even went and got a haircut while Jason was finishing up his appointments , and all was good . We were back on our way back home by 11 : 30 , and both of us were kind of hungry so Jason said he wanted to go to Taco Bell . We are doing my better with buying our food there and only purchasing what we need , rather than getting more than we need . We got back to the house and ate lunch , and just relaxed a little . Around 14 : 00 ( 2pm ) Jason took his shower and I did a dressing change on his wounds , and they are all looking better all the time . I am very happy with how they are developing now , and hope they continue that way . Otherwise , not much more happened today . I had plenty of time to catch up on my email and paper work , and then simply relaxed . I promised to have some pictures posted today , so here they are - of the girls and Jason , with the pumpkins , getting ready for Halloween . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . . . Turned out that today went from a pretty ordinary day to a special day . We got the girls up at about 07 : 00 this morning , and I fixed a simple breakfast for them . Sometimes we have " special " cereal here , and today it was Frosted Mini Wheats ( Nabisco ) . Both of the girls were very pleased with the availability for that choice and both wanted a larger than normal serving ( okay , that probably wasn 't a surprise ) . We then packed up and headed out , first to get the girls to their day care / pre - schools , and then . . . to get Jason over to his first driver evaluation at the Scripts Hospital . His appointment was at 09 : 00 , and we had him over to the location ( as stated on the letter ) at 08 : 45 . Only problem with this was that the building we went into had no idea of what he wanted or who he was supposed to deal with . Fortunately there was this one young man , Paul C . ( that 's all there was on his name badge ) who was resourceful . He made a couple of phone calls and then directed up over to the correct building . It was amazing that they could be that close together , on the same campus , and not know about what was done in each other 's buildings . Anyway , Jason made it to his appointment by 09 : 30 , and they were able to still get him in . The evaluation and testing took two hours to complete , and the lady working with him was totally amazed at not only what he could do , but also by how up - beat he was . The testing they had included this one eye exam that Jason wanted me to take . It was a series of letters printed on this eye chart that progressively faded as it went down the chart . I could see all the letters down to the second to the last line . As far as I could tell there wasn 't a line after the one I could barely make out , but I was assured one was there . The examiner said that she has been doing this for close to 20 years and no one has ever been able to see that bottom line . As it was , that was the last thing we did before leaving and on the way out we ended up talking to a few other guys who were also in wheelchairs , for one reason on another . Again , just about everyone who meets Jason is impressed with his attitude and how well he speaks to them about how the future will be . We also handed out several pieces of information on Stand - Up - And - Play , and hope they can get some benefit from the information . When we finally did get outside Gracie apparently needed to be there . She left a small " gift " on their lawn , and I simply grabbed one of the bags we carry with us , and put it in the trash . It was now getting to be a little after noon and both Jason and I were getting kind of hungry . Anthony Netto had contacted Jason earlier , about lunch , so we all met at Red Lobster . It was a nice relaxed lunch , and we enjoyed each other 's company . Jason and I got home at about 13 : 40 ( 1 : 40pm ) , and I had a few things I needed to take care of , not the least was getting a few things done for the girls , with Halloween coming up soon . I had picked up a couple of pumpkins and had promised Stacy that we would carve them today . Only problem with that was that I didn 't have any pumpkin carving knives , you know , the ones that allow for the carving , but aren 't very sharp and relatively safe for small children . I ran over to Target and they were sold out , so I had to get back home and figured I be doing the carving and just have the girls involved with the design work . As it was , that turned out to be the best anyway ( I 'll post pictures tomorrow ) . After the pumpkin work we had dinner - yeah , I found time to prepare dinner , though Joselyn did some of the prep work for me . After dinner was a little play time and then bath time . Funny how the both of them really enjoy playing in the water so much . I washed their hair and by 20 : 15 ( 8 : 15pm ) they were ready for bed . I let them pick out a couple of stories and read to them , and then said good night . Finally back to the kitchen for clean up and now I get to catch up on my email and the blog . Not sure how tomorrow is going to turn out , but if it is even half as good as today , it was be an excellent one . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . I guess there is an effort going on right now for the Marines ( and probably the other branches as well ) to get the troops trained up for non - combat type issues . I say this because of two things that are going on right now : 1 ) The war is supposed to be coming to a close in 2014 ; and , 2 ) there are a bunch of training sessions going on for the folks , at least on Balboa . Jason is going to be teaching a class , in another week or two . I know he is working on a power point presentation and he is pretty happy with it , and I think that is about all I can tell you about it , without saying something stupid on my part . We got up early this morning and headed over to Balboa for one of these classes . Jason was a student this time , and I think he was more interested in HOW the class was presented , more than what the content of the instruction was . I do know it started on time and seemed to have ended on time , as well . Once the training was over we went over to visit with some of the folks in C5 , and then a PT session . Neither of us had eaten anything , so by 11 : 00 we were both pretty hungry , and so Jason wanted to head over to the Broken Yoke . They have an eating challenge there , where the have this giant omelette , with potatoes and other fixings , and if you can eat it all in an hour its free . Jason is thinking that he would like to do that at some point - I told him I would not be able to even consider doing that now . I just don 't eat like I used to . We headed back over to the house and took care of a few things , then at about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) I took off to go to the cleaners to get some clothes cleaned , and then on to go pick up the girls . I went and picked up Stacy first and then Jackie . I got them back to the house and they Stacy wanted to watch the Incredibles . There was plenty of time until dinner so I was okay with it . I fixed baked chicken , rice and vegetables for dinner , and the chicken turned out better than I thought it would . I had planned on barbeque for the chicken but because it looked like rain I decided to play it safe . Later tonight , after the girls were ready for bed , they ran in to say good night to Daddy , and then I read them a couple of stories . They each got to pick one story out , and it was fun sitting there with them . Tomorrow Jason has to go to another class , and that is one about driving ! He is pretty excited about going , and with a successful completion he can take the next step and see about ordering his vehicle , one that he will be driving . The idea of him gaining a bit more independence is wonderful , and I hope everything comes together just like it should . I will still have the opportunity to go with him and do things with him , but it will no longer be a requirement for me to tag along . We 'll continue working to get those wounds healed , though most of them are now almost closed . Stay tuned for the latest updates and progress with his healing . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Well , I got up this morning and went for a nice bike ride . It was just a little over 12 miles and I did it in 1 hour and 3 minutes . I was pleasantly surprised at how well the old legs worked , and I managed to keep a relatively steady pace for the entire hour , though there were some stops due to traffic signals . There were enough hills to provide me with a little work , but those hills also have a down side . . . ; - ) Jason was asleep when I left and still asleep when I returned . Of course it was still only 09 : 05 when I got back so we still had plenty of day left to take care of all the stuff we wanted to do . We were ready to head out to go look at some property , later in the morning , and decided to go grab a brunch , since it was on the way . When we got to the property we were surprised , to say the least . The large lot was zoned commercial and there were no houses even remotely close . Of course on the good side , there was a railroad crossing going right past one end of the property . It could have been worse . . . it could have been going through the property . I suggested to Jason that we contact a Realtor before we do any more " looking . " Tomorrow Jason has formation , so we need to get up and going by 07 : 30 . Not much else happened around the house and we just had chili dogs for dinner . They were the Costco Dogs , so they were pretty good sized , and we had extra buns that needed to be used . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got to sleep in a bit today , and that was nice . Jason didn 't need to be up or getting Gracie ready to go to their training for another couple of hours , so that meant I could go for a short ride . Funny thing is , neither of us were hungry , so I ate a banana and had some orange juice , and went for the ride . Jason didn 't have anything , and I figured I 'd just get him something when I got back . I was only gone for just over a half an hour ( not quite 6 miles ) and check with him , and he still wasn 't hungry , so there was no breakfast . I took my shower and when I came down I said , " Time to get ready . " We took off and made it to the training session about 10 minutes late . The rest of the day , and evening was laid back and not much accomplished , other than to fix lunch and dinner ( we did eat those ) , and watch Young Frankenstein . I hadn 't seen that one in such a long time , and was happy to have it available . Tomorrow we will be going to take a look at some property , and perhaps in the near future Jason will begin the steps needed to purchase the property where his house is going to be built . He wants to get a place where he will have enough land for the house , a good sized yard , and enough room to put in a good sized garden . Actually , the garden is my idea . . . ; - ) We went in for Jason 's PT and also to speak with the folks over at Bldg 26 . Otherwise we really didn 't have much to do this morning . We got to the base at about 09 : 30 , and back at the house at about 12 : 15 . I fixed a quick lunch and then took off for a short bike ride . Actually , the ride was to get down to the bike shop , so I could get some air into the tires , and know what the pressure is . Apparently I was riding with softer tires and that was part of the reason the short rides I had been doing were kind of tough . Okay , perhaps me being a bit out of shape had something to do with it also . This evening , Jason and I went to see a movie that Jason wanted to see - Bad Grandpa . I do not endorse this movie , at all . Jason loved it and I tolerated sitting through it . I guess it is a generational thing , but for the most part I thought it was a bit on the immature side . I will say that some of the stunts were funny , so I have to admit that I did laugh at part of the movie , but I don 't recommend it to anyone . Once the movie was over we simply came back to the house and because it was so late , we simply called it a day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Okay , today it finally happened . . . Jason finally got his dress Blues from Miramar ! It took quite a while to finally get them , and they look pretty good on him , even without all the medals and buttons . His collar fits like it is supposed to as well . All around we 're very happy with the way it looks , and Jason feels pretty special now that it is completed . The next step is to get is Charlies done , sometime next month , so that he can wear them at formation . I guess you have to be a Marine to truly appreciate what he is talking about , but I can see it in his eyes that it is a very special thing for him to wear his uniforms . What I particularly like is that he has worked pretty hard to keep himself in as good a shape as he can . There are some guys we 've seen who have let themselves go and it is unlikely they will ever see a uniform that fits again . We went to PT this morning , and then a couple of other stops at the hospital , when we were just about to leave when we ran into Bennadine . She is Jason 's case worker / manager and it was an opportunity to do some catching up . She bought us lunch , sandwiches from Subway , on base there . It was nice catching up and also just relaxing for a bit , and then we had to head up to Miramar ( see first paragraph ) . The beauty of that trip was ( besides getting the uniform ) that it went quick , and then we were headed back to the house . Once at the house Jason got busy on some communications he wanted to get done , as well as putting together an ethics class that he has been requested to teach . Apparently he had gained a reputation for teaching and so now he finally gets to teach another class . I was watching him work on it , and I could tell he was very happy with being that busy . Not sure when he will give the class , but I don 't think it will be too long out from now . He is also working with Joselyn on creating a new " vest " for Gracie , the dog . The one he has is okay , but now he wants something a bit better . Not much else going on right now , and tomorrow we will be getting up and moving relatively early , so that Jason can get to his appointments . If I can get up early enough , and the sun is up , I may go for another bike ride , just as I did this morning . A few more days like today and I can probably be going for 12 + miles again and start rebuilding that stamina . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason and I did a little relaxing today . We took the girls to their day care centers ; headed over to the hospital for the physical therapy sessions ; and , then went to meet up with Anthony Netto . He was over at one of the local golf ranges were he was practicing with Jim and Gar , a retired admiral . It was nice to get to meet and talk with Gar , and also to spend a little time with Jim , who we don 't see enough of . Gar is interested in learning more about the work that Anthony does and looking for ways he might be able to assist . Jason and I did not practice any golf while there ( my clubs should show up on another couple weeks ) , it was more of a social visit , and actually we arrived only about 1 / 2 an hour before they were ready to leave . After this we went to lunch and had some of the local barbeque , from Phil 's BBQ , and it was good . The we simply came back to the house and I worked on some of my paper work and Jason worked on some of his . I also caught up on some of my email , and called Linda . Earlier in the day a good friend of mine , Larry , called and let me know his mom was very ill and still has a rough road ahead of her . I felt bad that I would not be able to get up to visit for sometime in the future , and that made me feel very helpless . I informed Linda about this and she said she would go to visit for the both of us . Life continues to move on , no matter what your circumstances are , and sometimes the direction it takes isn 't one you like . Not wishing to end on a down note . . . After Jason 's shower I did my usual dressing change and then an expected guest arrived . The tech witth Jason 's new chair . Jason 's wounds are looking better every day , and we hope that trend continues . However , this new chair has that new feature where it can tilt back to relieve some of the pressure on the wounds , and possibly help to heal even more . Anyway , it was good to get this in and tomorrow will be the first day of working with it . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We started off getting the girls their breakfast and then taking them to their respective pre - K programs . Actually there was one other thing we did , this morning , and that was get his " new " power chair picked up so that the new module could be put on . They are to return the chair later this afternoon . Both of the girls were having a great time , going to class , and Jason did all the escorting ( I got to stay back with the van ) . After that was done we headed over to Anthony 's place where we were to meet with him , and others , or at least we thought we were . Actually , Anthony was up in Los Angeles and we 're meeting with him tomorrow . We had a bit of a chuckle over that and then Jason decided he wanted to go take in a movie . The movie was Escape Plan ( Sylvester and Arnold movie ) , and I have to admit , I wasn 't too excited about going . After the movie though , I was very pleased with the story line and the acting . It was a bit on the fringe but still enjoyable and I would recommend it for those who enjoy thinking thrillers . Considering who the two main actors are , one should not be surprised at the explosions and fights , as well as some of the over - the - top situations , so don 't expect anything out of character , for those two . After the movie we simply headed back to the house , as it was getting close to when the chair was to be delivered . Trouble is , it wasn 't going to be delivered . Apparently Van , the man who owns the company , isn 't in today and the techs left running the place didn 't know what to do with the module . It is fortunate that Jason still has his former chair , and it works fine , just looks a bit worn . He will be using it again tomorrow until the " new " chair is delivered . The important thing is that the new seat is supposed to be coming also , and that is the more important item , as far as I am concerned . I picked up the girls and brought them back to the house and both of them decided to play dress - up . Jackie is trying so hard to do all the same things that Stacy is doing , but just doesn 't have the skill set yet . They both did look cute , though , and it was fun watching them run around . Dinner was a bit later and then finally it was bed time . The main difference tonight was that Jason didn 't want to take his shower and dressing change until after the girls were in bed , so that is how it was done . Tomorrow we will be going to meet with Anthony and it is hoped that we will be also picking up Jason 's dress Blues . . . we 'll just have to wait and see . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Easy morning and actually kind of exciting to get back going with the treatment plan for Jason . We ended up at Physical Therapy ( PT ) today at just before 09 : 00 . The funny part was that Dawn was working with this other patient , who apparently was a newer guy , and for the first half hour , or so ( maybe closer to 45min ) Jason was working mostly on his own . I set up the table , as I 've done in the past , and I handed him equipment as things progressed . Dawn came over a couple of times and apologized that she was so tied up with the new guy , but Jason was perfectly happy with what he was doing , kind of warming up , that when she finally did come over to focus on Jason it worked rather well . She worked on his shoulders and upper body , to get some of the muscles loosened up and Jason felt pretty good after the session . We went to MCRD ( Marine Corps Recruit Depot ) so Jason could get a hair cut , and then we went and had lunch . Back at the house , after lunch , Jason wanted to get his shower in and that would give me a chance to change his dressings . The wounds are still looking better , yet still not closing like I 'd like , and I need to pick up more supplies on the Hydraphera Blue pads that I use ( maybe at a later date I 'll explain more about what they are - right now just know they keep the chance of infection way down ) . Jason laid down and I went to go get the girls , after Joselyn came to the house , of course . The girls are always happy to see Joselyn and it does give me a little bit of a break , so for about an hour I was able to take a look at my email . After that I decided to start fixing dinner and then Jason called and asked me if I 'd forgotten about Anthony Netto inviting us over for dinner tonight - he fixed some spaghetti . I said I was glad he didn 't delay any longer , asking , because yes , I did forget . In fact , we were actually late at this point . We hurried up and got the girls ready , and I loaded everything up into the car and we were off after the we said good - bye to Joselyn . The dinner was nice and relaxing and we were able to have a nice conversation about nothing and everything . We got back to the house at about 20 : 00 ( 8pm ) and the girls were actually almost ready for bed . Jason and I got them ready and I read them a book , and we sang a couple of songs , then they were ready for bed - and now , so am I . I actually sat down on the couch to relax a bit an opened my eyes and it was already 21 : 15 ( 9 : 15pm ) . I had now idea of what was going on , on the TV , so I decided to do the blog and go to bed . Of course there was a call to Linda mixed in there , and now I am going to bed . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A very nice day for us today . We got up a little on the late side and decided to take the girls to the 10 : 15 service at the Big Red Church ( it is the local Presbyterian Church and has many similarities to ours in Livermore ) . The girls had fun at Sunday School and afterward we came back to the house and I fixed a nice lunch for all of us . The girls went down for their nap , and I really don 't think they slept much , because in about an hour and a half they were running around the house again , and pretty much just stayed in their PJs the rest of the day . While the girls were " napping " I helped Jason with his shower and dressing change . His wounds look better than they ever have and I am hopeful that with a little more treatment from the laser treatment , and they will close completely . I played with the two of them for a while , and helped them first build a " tent " our of a couple of blankets , and then Stacy wanted to build a fort . Of course , if you looked at the two structures they pretty much looked the same . I then finished up on some cleaning and began dinner , and we all were able to eat by about 18 : 30 ( 6 : 30pm ) . I then got to sit down and watched a little football , and the girls decided that they wanted to watch it with me . This lasted for about 20 minutes and then they wanted to watch some Bugs Bunny . We don 't have any Bugs Bunny videos or DVDs , so I knew we would have to pull it down from YouTube . I asked Jason if he was up for getting the show going and he was , so the girls went and watched the cartoons with him for close to an hour . This was great as it gave me some time to finish up on some of the cleaning and put the food away . Jason then read them a couple of books and then it was time to go to bed . Stacy wanted me to read one more book , so I did , and then got them to go to bed . This time , though , I think they went to sleep a little after going down . I think they were tired this time . . . ; - ) Tomorrow , Jason 's leave ends , and he will have to get back to the base for his treatment and other appointments . Right now the only thing he has going on is PT , and then I think another on Wednesday , but that will probably change quickly . I do know he plans on getting a hair cut . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Slow day with nothing much going on , other than Jason wanting to take Gracie out to the training and the park . As their training was going on I had the girls over at the park playing on the swings , on the play structures , and . . . playing with Stacy 's Stomp Rocket . One of the presents Stacy received for her birthday was a rocket launcher and four rockets . The rockets are made out of Styrofoam and the " launch " mechanism is this balloon like device that has a hose top a rigid tube and the rockets sit on top of that . She jumps on the " balloon " and the rocket goes up . The harder you jump , the higher it flies . We were there for about 90 minutes and then headed back home . The rest of the day was relaxing at the house and not doing much of anything , though I did take the girls to the grocery store to pick up a few things . Tomorrow is going to be another easy day , and other than go to church I don 't think we have much of anything planned . I guess you 'll just have to wait until the next exciting entry to see what , if anything , we did . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I didn 't get up to particularly early today , though I still do call Linda for a wake up call at about 05 : 45 on weekday morning . I went down and checked on Jason and let him know that I was planning on going out for another short bike ride , and I wanted to eat a little breakfast before I went . He said he wasn 't quite ready for breakfast , and would eat when I returned . I was only out for about half an hour , and felt pretty good after the ride , and realized I have gotten out of shape . When I returned I got him some breakfast and then took a shower . After that Jason was ready for his shower , and then we headed over to the hospital at Balboa . We had a meeting sett with Gary Sinise , and didn 't want to be late . We got there and had a great time with him , as we talked for nearly an hour . Gary 's Foundation is wanting to build Jason a house and so Gary was out gathering some information about just what that house might be . There is still a great deal to be done and to be finalized , and it just felt great that the wheels are rolling on this . Afterward we went back to the house and had a quick lunch , and then Gen . Lightner ( ret . ) came by . It was good to see him and do some catching up . While Jason and Tom were still talking I had to get going to go pick up the girls , and Tom said he was going to be going soon , so I said my good - byes then . When I came back home , with the girls , Tom was gone . Both of them were full of energy and I told them that I was walking over to check the mail and they both asked to come with me . Our mailbox is about 100 meters away , and they just about ran the entire way . This was good as it got some of the energy out of them . We played a little while , and then Joselyn started to fix dinner ( it is one of the things she likes to do , and I am totally okay with that ) . She left a little while after and then I finished up on the dinner - chicken pot pies . The girls ate their dinner and then went to go in and play with daddy for a little while . The next thing was to start getting ready for bed and I told them they could each pick out a book , and I 'd read them both . The funny part was that Jason had gotten out of bed by now ( there was a problem with the cable box and he wanted to fix it - - and he did ) , and he was right next to us , as I read the books . All and all , it was a very good day . We will be getting out a little early tomorrow , as Gracie needs to attend one of her training sessions . Jason will be going to the training and the girls and I will be going over to the play area . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We really didn 't do much of anything today , other than a load of clothes and I went for a short ( very short ) bike ride . It was the first time for me being on the bike in several weeks , so I figured I 'd better take it easy and not try to start out with a 15 mile ride . I plan on doing the same tomorrow , and get a short ride in , in the morning , and then continue getting some ride time in next week , and rebuilding slowly . The only other thing we did was to go to a taco dinner , over at building 26 . Apparently , every Thursday there is a meal put on by the Purple Heart folks ( Ladies ) and Jason decided that he was ready to investigate . The tacos were good and more importantly the social gathering was even better . The down side is that I don 't have anything else to really talk about today , and maybe that is a good thing . Instead I am going to put some of the pictures from the event we went to , last week , on the blog today , as I finally got around to loading them on to the laptop . I won 't be showing all the pictures , some weren 't particularly clear , and some were duplicates , and some were , well - a little more personal . Anyway , here they are , and I hope you enjoy them . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another relaxed day , to say the least , for the two of us and the girls . We really didn 't do much of anything around the house , except for a couple of loads of laundry ( I find that doing laundry is actually kind of relaxing for me - especially when I can just sit in front of the TV and fold clothes ) , and some dishes . When I did the dressing change for Jason I was pleased to see that the effects of the trip up to Livermore were already starting to reverse and all was looking better again . About 18 : 00 ( 6PM ) we went over to have dinner with Anthony Netto . He wanted to show us his new grilling unit that is actually close to real barbeque , though still far enough removed that you honestly can 't call it a barbeque . Anyway , the burgers were good and the girls had a great time . Jackie was all over the place , as always , and I think she wore all three of the adults down pretty well . Stacy was happy staying close to where we were sitting and we didn 't have to expend too much energy keeping up with her . Jackie , on the other hand , is just an amazing little girl who has unbounded energy . Tomorrow we will be heading over to the hospital , and starting to get back into our old routine . We 'll drop the girls off at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) , so they can get back into their respective classes , and Jason will be heading over to get his appointment schedule and prescriptions all back to where they need to be . Even I have to call the VA to see what appointments I may need to get going , and that 's just the morning . Other than that , we don 't have much planned for the rest of the day , and we 'll simply take things as they come . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Well , considering how I started yesterday 's post I felt I should follow it up with a little more information . I will be going to the folks here , at Balboa , who were directly responsible for establishing our travel , and check with them on what was or was not done . Of course I will have to wait until Tuesday , as tomorrow is an official government holiday , so those that are not impacted by the shut down ( I think there might be as many as 7 civilians still working ) will have the day off anyway . Today was a nice day for us , with nothing to do except some laundry and shopping . Jason did want to go see Captain Philips , so we went to the early morning showing , and then on to Costco . The movie was good , I would recommend it to just about anyone . It gave a good portrayal of what happened , and even though I knew what happened , based on news reports , the suspense was still there . We went to the matinee , but only because the time slot was available , and we would have enjoyed it at a later showing as well . The girls are back with us tomorrow , so we should see them in the morning , though I don 't know if I 'll have to fix them breakfast . Doesn 't matter though , we went to Costco and we have all the food we need in the house - especially breakfast food . Not sure what else we might be doing , as Jason sounded like he might want to stay down , so I might just walk the girls over to the park and let them play on the structures and burn off some of their energy that way . Not much else to write about right now , so I 'll be signing off and in a short while , going to bed . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Okay , what happened to the October 11 post ? Well , we traveled back to San Diego on the 11th , and because our flight got changed , at the very last moment , we didn 't get home until almost midnight , and the girls didn 't get to bed until almost 00 : 30 ( 12 : 30am ) as a result . What happened was that we arrived at the airport later than I had wanted , but still 45 minutes prior to our flight . Should have been enough time to get to the plane , but wait - we were traveling with a wheelchair and a service dog , and both issues perplexed the folks at the ticket counter . But wait , there 's more - United didn 't know Jason was traveling with anyone else , even though this was a return flight ; they didn 't know he even had a wheelchair ; and , they didn 't know he had a service dog . I guess they don 't track that sort of thing . It also took them nearly 10 minutes to find me and both girls on their terminals . AND , there were already two other service dogs on the plane , and therefore , since they apparently got on the plane before we did ( like I said we arrived later than I wanted to - more on that later ) and they can 't have more than one animal per cabin . They only have two cabins so therefore Jason wouldn 't have been allowed on anyway . Who cares that this causes him to be up in his chair an additional three hours , and that there are two little girls traveling with him . If he wanted to stay up in his chair and generate extra pain he would have stayed longer at the concert the night before , where he was enjoying himself . Why we arrived later than I wanted was that we had a rental van , and like all rental vehicles it was requested that it come back with a full tank of gas . That took an extra 5 minutes - close gas station and we were in and out very quickly . Turning in the van took a few minutes longer than we had wanted , and between the two it caused us to be later , by an extra 15 minutes . I know I should have pushed everyone to move a little faster , but I didn 't know what was going to happen at SFO . As it turned out , the flight crews on all of the United flights we 've been on have been great and very helpful . It is simply the coordination of the folks on the ground that seem to be causing the greatest challenge . To their credit , they did provide us with a little better service , once they figured out that we were supposed to be there , and checked all the bags and car seats ( no extra charge ) . Jason and I talked about this and have said we really need to focus on making sure our travel arrangements are rock solid so that these things don 't happen again . Now , what about today , October 12 - Well , we all got up a bit later than usual , as one might guess , and then Jason was contacted by the girls mother . Apparently there was another change in plans and we had to get Stacy and Jackie up and over to her , as she was not going anywhere . Originally they were to stay with us until Monday and Tuesday , which our our regular days . We don 't mind taking them over , we were just a little surprised by the sudden change , as I think everyone was . The government shut down is affecting all kinds of aspects of people 's lives , and this was one of the impacts to us . Anyway , the girls were excited to go , yet sad they had to leave , Stacy said she was going to miss us , and already misses Grandma . It will be good to get the routine back in order , I think , for everybody . I did do one load of clothes today , but that was about it . Other than Jason 's dressing change , and fixing a couple of meals , I really didn 't do much of anything , and neither did Jason . We both just kind of loafed . I will be washing more clothes tomorrow , and getting things going again , with as much of a regular routine as we can , just to get back to a more regular life . Thank you , to everyone for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . It started off with Linda heading over to the house open the daycare and finish packing before Home Depot arrived with their army of workers to modify the house . I stayed at the hotel with Jason and the girls . As usual , both of the girls were full of energy and were excited with the idea that they could go down stairs and get their breakfast . Granted , their breakfast was simply a bowl of cereal and a glass of juice , but it was still exciting to them , because they get to pick out their own cereal . The work on the house was scheduled to be completed today , and it was amazing how much work had been accomplished when Jason , the girls and I arrived at the house for lunch compliments of Carl 's Junior . A short while later Linda showed up ( she was still out running other errands ) . It is very gratifying to be recognized , and to meet and thank all the volunteers . What was particularly nice to see was that there were a bunch of folks there that we actually knew . Friends of ours who just wanted to help us get through this bit of troubled times , and we appreciate it . The outside of house has been completely painted , along with some trim work and fascia replacement . I then took Jason and the girls back to the hotel , so that they could get some rest , as tonight was going to be a busy night , and I didn 't want them to be tired . The benefit concert was tonight and I knew it was going to be a stretch to make it all the way through . As it turned out the girls were taken back to the hotel , by a good friend of ours , Coreen , and then Jason asked to get back to the hotel prior to the end of the concert as well , but I 'm getting ahead of myself . The concert and auctions were great , we had an awesome audience to go along with fantastic players and performers . Jason was the main focus for the Wounded Warriors , though there were other guys there , and that was nice to see . It needs to be remembered that there are several Wounded Warriors , and that 's just in the local area . There are some places that have more and some that have less , but the bottom line is that these men and women , who have given so much for our freedom , are everywhere . I just hope the people of this country don 't forget them . I don 't know how much was raised , but based on the auctions and the turn out , I 'd have to say it felt like a successful evening , and it is nice to know that we helped that to happen . There are so many people I should thank , and I will attempt to over the next several days / weeks , but for right now I just want to say , " Thank you ! " to everyone involved . Jason and I had to leave the concert , when Kenny Loggins was performing , because it was starting to get too cold , and he was getting very uncomfortable and it had also been several hours for him to have been up and that was affecting him as well . We got some great pictures , and I 'll post some of them either tomorrow or the next day , but right now I 'm just a bit tired . Thank you , all for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started with us taking advantage of the free breakfast , down stairs and then heading off to take care of some simple errands . Not a great deal was accomplished , other than to connect up with Anthony Netto and Angelica , and to talk a bit about the rest of the week . This evening Linda 's parents ( Jason 's grandparents ) arrived and are going to be here for the next few days , so Jason has more family around . All of his brothers should be here in the next day or two as well , along with a few others . As a result of the running around this morning it kind of wore out Jason and the girls and when we got back to the hotel they all laid down for a nap , and slept right up until dinner . Linda and I had a night out , together , and that was great . Marilyn Carter came by to stay with the girls and we went to dinner with her parents . After dinner we went to see a movie ( Gravity - good movie , I recommend it , but don 't be surprised by the number of characters in the movie ) then we came back to the hotel , where we both felt a bit more relaxed , since we finally got some time with just the two of us . . . I recommend that too . . . ; - ) Tomorrow is going to be a busy day and it may be such that I don 't get a chance to write up the blog , so I can say for the next two days there may not be much of an entry . As time permits I will blog , but that all depends on how things go . Thank you , for your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a good productive day for all of us , and it was also filled with some new challenges . The challenges were things like trying to figure out how to balance the day , and still get the girls their afternoon naps ; how to be available for all the materials that were coming in for the remodeling work , courtesy of Home Depot ; and , the new one being how to get the pool cleaned . Apparently the pool has not been cared for as well as I would have liked , and now the water was all green . I ended up putting in four gallons of the pool shock , and I hope it does the trick . I 'll know tomorrow - if needed I 'll put in more . Not sure where I 'll get the time to really clean it , but I 'll do what I can . We got up early and everybody was ready to go by 08 : 30 . Linda took the girls down to the breakfast that is being offered here , at the hotel , and both of them thought it was really fun . While they were doing that I took my shower and got dressed and then got Jason going . The folks from Home Depot were delivering all the materials for the remodel and Linda wanted ( needed ? ) to be there , and the girls wanted to see the house , so she took them with her . Jason and I left just a little while after they did and went to get some breakfast ( we missed the free stuff down stairs ) . Jason and I also had some errands to take care of so we worked out a route that would allow us to do it most efficiently , but first we went to eat . While eating Linda called and asked us to come by the house to see the materials coming in . There was a bunch , and now it is all in the front room , and the work is scheduled to begin in a couple of days . It took us a couple of hours to get all our errands out of the way , and then we came back to the hotel . Jason wanted to get his shower and dressing change completed , and then get some rest . While he was resting is when I was working on the pool . I was happy to see that the water was flowing nicely , but I also realize that I still need to take the filter apart and see how it is doing . Again , that will probably be done tomorrow . Linda 's day care is still operating , so now she not only has all the materials for the work to be done , in the house , she also has a bunch of kids there . They came back to the house , from school , and were all excited to see all the new stuff , and even more excited to see all the furniture and other things moved around , to allow for the work to be accomplished . Several of them recognized me and were happy to see me and asking me a bunch of questions , and then also wanting to interact with me , just like they did all those months ago . It was a nice welcome home , so - to - speak , for me . I eventually headed back to the hotel and we decided to take Linda and the girls out to dinner , to one of my favorite places - New Oceanic . We walked in and Judy , one of the owners , recognized us immediately and came over to give us all big hugs , and even new how to prepare our food without having to say much . While we were eating we got a second welcome . . . Roger and Arlynn Grimm came in and they sat down and had dinner with us . Apparently they 're having some work done on their place , too . With dinner done we headed back to the hotel where Grandma gave the girls their bath and Grandpa worked on the blog . Tomorrow is going to be another nice day , and I even checked the weather , the entire week is supposed to be good weather . This is going to be a very nice visit . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Okay , first - sorry that I didn 't get a post out yesterday , but it was a busy day ( and night ) and I was just plain tired by the time I would have had to get the post in . That seems to have worked out okay , though , as today was pretty laid back and not much happened , other than taking the girls to see the Cloudy With A Chance Of Meat Balls 2 . It was , as far as we know , Jackie 's first theater movie , and it was a little rough . She isn 't one to just sit and enjoy and likes to continue to move around , looking for other things to do . Linda basically held her on her lap through about half the movie . Stacy , on the other hand , enjoyed the movie from Grandpa 's lap for about the same amount of time . The difference is that Stacy wanted to and Jackie wanted to run around the theater . The movie it self was enjoyable and silly , and that is about what I expected . The day yesterday was challenging as we arrived at the San Diego air port with more than enough time to get to the gate , and again Jackie was the biggest challenge . She was absolutely amazed by all the new things she saw once we arrived and I was carrying a couple extra bags ( we do that when traveling with small children ) so that made keeping up with her a bit more of a challenge . Jason was keeping tabs on Stacy and also keeping Gracie in line . It was a relatively new place so Gracie was a bit cautious with everything she did and not really paying attention to what Jason was doing . Anyway , we got to the gate with plenty of time to spare and had wonderful help from our escort ( a volunteer at the airport ) . United ( that 's who we flew with again ) did a very nice job of making the travel easier as well . Originally I was seated in row 11 , with the girls , and the person at the gate moved us up to the bulkhead and we were now on row 07 . That was particularly good since Jason was up in first class . The agent at the gate did this without me requesting it , and basically only asked for permission - obviously I said , " Yes . " Once we were on the plane , another passenger in first class offered to give me her seat , but I had to refuse , as I needed to stay with the girls . I thanked her for the nice offer , though . When we first got on the plane I had to get the girls seated first and one of the flight attendants stayed with them ( even gave them " wings " ) . One of the other attendants held Gracie and then I carried Jason in . That part went very well , and the flight was comfortable and smooth . When we arrived at the airport we again got some extra help from the people on the plane , but the ground and baggage people were apparently stumped by Jason 's chair . It took them nearly 30 minutes to get it up to us , and obviously we can 't leave the plane until the chair is there . The flight crew were wondering what was going on as well . Anyway , we finally got off the plane and I was scurrying around trying to keep all of us together while picking up the luggage , and then we got more help from the people at the luggage area . We got all the bags out to the curb and waited a few minutes for our rental van to arrive . The driver was circling and apparently we had just missed him . We got all the stuff on the van , including the car seats and we were off . Now that sounds all well and good except I forgot one of the bags . Fortunately it wasn 't something we needed immediately so I was able to go EARLY this morning , and picked it up . The drive back out to SFO was fast , and so was the return . I even had time to stop off at Target and got back home in just under 2 hours . The rooms are the same as we had the last time we came up to Livermore , and so we were already familiar with the Hawthorn , and are very comfortable being here . The rooms share an adjoining door , so all we have to do is keep the doors from closing and we can go back and forth between them . We 've had some visitors already and were even greeted by Marilyn Carter upon our arrival . All this made it just a little easier to get here . I was a bit wound up from the travel and it took me awhile to unwind and finally get to sleep , when we did go to bed . Fortunately , the same did not hold for the girls . Like I said , today was much more relaxed , and we went to our church this morning , and it was really nice to see everybody again . Linda spent the time with the girls in Sunday School . Tomorrow we have a few things to do , but I am going to do my best to just relax - I am supposed to be on vacation . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Days never seem to work out the way one expects ( or wants ) them to . I have been attempting to get to the bank for the past couple of days , and because of other interrupts I have not been able to do so . Fortunately we will be heading up to Livermore tomorrow and I can get to the bank up there . Funny thing about the bank we use , and have been using for 30 + years , they seem to be plentiful up in the Bay Area , and sparse down in San Diego . Not sure why , but for right now we can still get our business done . I began the day with doing some packing , and getting ready to do more packing . Jason had to be over at a formation , at Building 26 , at 07 : 30 this morning , so we got an early start . The reason he was asked to come in on his leave was because he was being recognized for achieving his fourth Good Conduct Medal . I guess there aren 't too many Marines who achieve this level of behavior with their Marine careers . All you have to do is stay out of trouble for three years and you qualify for the medal . Jason has been in for 12 years now , so he received his fourth one . He told me a little later that it was the first time that it was actually " presented " to him , rather than a simply notification and a First Sergeant or section leader handing it to him . Anyway , that took a little more than half an hour and then we went to get some breakfast . After breakfast we headed back to the house where I did more packing and Jason played in the water . Well , I guess it really wasn 't " play " so much as a chance to give Gracie her bath . Gracie didn 't want to get a bath , but she did need one . I was surprised and pleased that Jason wanted to take care of it , for multiple reasons , not just because I was attempting to get bags packed , but I think it built a little stronger bond for him and Gracie . Funny thing is , Jason brushed her just prior to the bath , and got quite a lot of hair off her , and then in the shower / bath there was all kinds of hair down be the drain , and then he brushed her again and removed more hair . I think Jason 's comment was , " Dog , how can you have so much hair ? " Anyway , right after he was done with that , Jason wanted to take his own shower and get cleaned up . A short while after that I went to go pick up the girls and let their respective teachers know that we were going to be gone all next week , so not to look for them in class . Once we got home both of them wanted to help pack , though Stacy was much more helpful than Jackie . As things were put into the bags , sometimes Jackie would want to remove them and play with them . I finally gave her , her own bag to pack and she was kept busy for a little while . Tomorrow , about the only thing left to pack are their hair brushes and accessories and tooth brushes . Tonight we went over to Anthony Netto 's , for dinner , and had a very nice time . The girls enjoyed the new grill that Anthony has , and we ended up making burritos and fajitas . Both of them were getting tired so we came back home and I read them Bible stories and finally got them to bed . This allowed me to finish doing my packing , or almost finish . I still need to pack up my toiletries and such . Heading up to Livermore tomorrow and I think I can honestly say that all of us are looking forward to it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , Take care and stay positive . Today was an interesting day , in that I got up early enough , and went through my emails this morning , then fixed breakfast for the two of us . Jason was up and he was just a little hungry , so we had cereal . After that I cleaned up the dishes , or more accurately , but them in the dishwasher , it wasn 't even half full so I didn 't start it . Then I told Jason that I wanted to get over to the bank to take care of some business . Jason said he wanted to get over to the base , and Miramar and get a hair cut and wanted to come along with me , so we could get everything taken care of in one trip . So we first headed over to Balboa , and took care of picking up his prescription and I also picked up extra supplies to bring with us next week . After that we headed for Miramar . As it turned out , his Blues are still not ready , because they have to make one more alteration and then he can pick them up in two weeks . While we were at Miramar Anthony Netto showed up and we all decided to go to lunch together , and he knew the perfect place , as it was on the way back . We finished lunch at almost 14 : 00 ( 2pm ) so we hurried back to the house , because Joselyn was going to be waiting for us . She gets here at 14 : 00 Monday through Friday , and sometimes we 're late . Fortunately she has gotten used to us and just waits . As soon as we did arrive we asked her to hop in the van and we headed over to The Depot , to get Jason 's hair cut . We went back to the house and Jason took his shower and I took care of his dressings , and then he laid down for the rest of the day . I took a short nap in the front room and that was about the rest of the day . Joselyn leaves at 18 : 00 ( 6pm ) and that 's about the time I fixed Jason a lite dinner . Our lunch was pretty big and neither of us were hungry . Tomorrow we have to get started early , so that he can make formation , and then . . . . I think I 'll again try to get to the bank . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another quiet day with just Jason and I at the house . We took care of a couple of small errands and then Jason said he wanted to go to the movies . The previews for Don Jon looked pretty funny so he decided that he wanted to see that one . I do not recommend it unless you really enjoy crude humor . It did have some funny spots , but not enough , as far as I was concerned . Anyway , after the movie we came back to the house and while Jason was taking his shower ( yeah , we got started late today so he wanted to push it off until tonight ) Anthony Netto came by to pick up the ParaMobile , since he is transporting it up to Livermore for us . Right after that we had some left overs for dinner and then he fell asleep , and I guess I did too . I woke up on the couch , with the TV on and figured I better get up stairs to take care of the blog and go to bed . Thank you , to everyone for all their continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Today was a day that was taken up by a number of personal issues that Jason is dealing with and therefore I don 't have much to blog about . . . at least not yet . The girls went to their daycare at the CDC and were happy and healthy , prior to going over to their mom 's place . They went over early because the mom asked if they could come early , so she could take them to an event on MCRD ( a . k . a . " The Depot " ) . It sounds like some sort of activity that the kids will enjoy so Jason agreed . After we finished our dinner we walked them over to the house and dropped them off . So now we 're in the house on a Tuesday evening , without the girls . . . something that hasn 't happened in several months . . . feels a little strange . Tomorrow should be another quiet day , as we have some errands to take care of , but by late morning we should be completely done for the day . Thank you , for all the support and continued prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
Gigi and G - Daddy arrived last night , so Gigi went to get E when he woke up in the morning . He was so excited to see her . They played for a while and she made his breakfast , and she did everything that needed done while I just sat and enjoyed doing nothing ! I read to E a little bit , but he was more excited to play with the grandparents for the most part . Later in the morning , T and I took E out for our last outing as a family of three . We took him to some gardens in town that are all set up for children to learn about gardening . There were fountains , watering cans , dirt with rakes , a play house , a fish pond with stepping - stones , and all kinds of fun things . E LOVED it ! It was really fun for us to be together as a family , and to watch E explore and play and jabber so excitedly . We spent about an hour and a half there , and we took tons of pictures , including a family picture . Then we came home for lunch with the grandparents , more playing and reading , and naps for almost all of us . It was a great day of relaxation for T and I , after working so hard to get the house and the new bathroom ready to go . ( The bathroom did get finished ! ) We had a great dinner together , and then Gigi and I gave E a bath , and he splashed and laughed more than most times . It was a great day , and lots of memories were made . I am glad I 've kept track of these last few weeks . In later years , I am going to enjoy looking back to see the memories E and I made , and I know I made an effort to savor this time with him as much as I could . Tomorrow is the big day , and I 'm still nervous , but also excited . I can 't wait to see what E thinks of his little sister ! This was our last week together just the two of us . It 's been a busy week for me - all the nesting , of course , and getting the house ready for family arriving , and trying our very best to get our basement bathroom finished up . But despite the busyness , I have also made time to play with E and enjoy some more memories with him . Monday - While T worked on the bathroom , E and I ran some errands . He discovered outside of Target a decorative wall with a hole built into it , and he wanted to climb through and around it forever and pound on the big concrete red balls , and climb on and off of the benches , and push the carts around . So I let him . And I even climbed through the " hole " too , which he found totally fun . He was very obedient and happy throughout the errands . The weather right now is perfect for having windows down in the car . If anyone 's window is down , E wants his down too . Then he turns his head to look out the window and just sits there and lets the breeze blow his hair . It 's really sweet to watch . Then we came home for lunch and his nap . Tuesday - E wanted to play with the chalk in the bathroom , so I let him play while I got our lunch ready for a picnic . When I went to tell him to be all done , I was surprised to see that virtually overnight he had progressed from drawing just some vertical lines to all - out scribblings all over the wall . I told him how great the drawings were , and then we headed out . We had to stop and buy paint for the bathroom before our picnic . E thought it was super fun to move the quart - sized cans of paint around and stack and re - stack them , and then run up and down the aisles of the store . But once again , he was very obedient and happy and we had fun . The picnic was fun too , and he played and played on the swings and the slide and the see - saw . Then we came home for his nap and I painted the bathroom walls . My hamstrings and rear end haven 't had that good of a workout in years , probably ! We read lots of books after E 's nap . He sometimes still wants to sit on me or next to me while I read , but he mostly wants to play with his toys while he listens . I love that he loves to hear stories while he plays . Wednesday - I was so sore from all of the painting that I nixed my to - do list for the day and E and I just played . T told him to be obedient and nice because I was hurting , so randomly throughout the day he would stop and look at me and say , " Mama hurt ? " We played outside in his sandbox for quite a while , and he found some green tomatoes that he threw all over the place . Then we played on his swing for a while and he told me story after story after story the entire time he was swinging . It was a relaxing and sweet time with him . After lunch and his nap , I turned on his songs for him and he actually was trying to sing along to some of them and do the little motions ! Then he read a lot and played with the chalk again before dinner and bed . Thursday - E played with the chalk , and then we went to my friend J 's house and he got to play with G and A one last time before baby gets here . He played on the slide and in their sandbox and with the t - ball toy . He was so proud of himself for hitting the ball . He really loves playing with those two kids . I painted the corners in the bathroom while he was napping , so after his nap I had on a clean new outfit . I don 't know whether he knows what it means , or whether he 's just repeating what T had him say a few days ago , but he patted my shirt and said , " Mama pretty . " I hugged him and said , " Thanks Bubba ! " He got a huge grin on his face , and repeated it over and over and over and over and over , and every time I hugged him and told him thanks . He did that for 3 or 4 minutes at a time for over an hour . Melted . My . Heart . I swear it 's now in a puddle in his room . Then we listened to his songs for a while and then went to the church to meet T . T and I went to a dinner / parenting seminar while E played with the other kids . When we went to get him , they were playing the video of the songs from last summer 's VBS , and he was dancing and pretending to play drums and saying , " Bang bang bang ! Kids dance ! " It was hilarious how excited he was . Friday - E and I went to the grocery store to get just a few groceries to get us through the weekend . He was quite happy and obedient and we played games and laughed all through the store . I was glad to only get a few things though , because it wore me out ! When we got home we played with his toys and we read a lot of books , and then we listened to his songs while I made lunch . I told him one of his friends was coming after his nap , so as soon as I entered his room after he woke up he started yelling his friend 's name . He was so excited ! I really love that he truly knows who people are now and that he has genuine excitement about seeing his friends . When his friend arrived , he stood at the front door squealing his name . They wanted to play in the sandbox , so we let them , and boy did they get dirty ! After dinner we just gave them baths because there was no other way to get them clean . The sand was everywhere . Then we let them stay up a little bit late and play before bedtime . Saturday - E to got to play with T while I ran to the hardware store to buy a few supplies we needed for the day of bathroom work that was ahead . I actually didn 't get to spend a lot of time with E because of wanting / needing to help with the bathroom so that it would get finished . Some of our very dear friends came over in the morning to help us and stayed ALL day ! By the time they left the bathroom was complete except for just a couple of finishing details . One of our friends wore a snow cap because it was really cold outside . E found it and of course thought he needed to wear it all day because he loves hats . So he walked around with it all day and made us laugh because it was too big for him . Sunday - E was in quite a little mood . He fell a few times between the vehicle and the church , which is rare for him . But each time his crying took longer and longer to get over . He was very upset anytime he didn 't get his way all day . All of those things are very unlike him . But he did get to see all of his friends at church , which he enjoyed . He had a runny nose ( I don 't know if it 's a cold or teething ) , so we didn 't put him in the nursery . Instead he did " blanket time " during the sermon , and he actually did really well with that and was very calm . After lunch and his nap , his friend M got to come over and play until bed time , which he greatly enjoyed , and his mood seemed better . It was fun to watch him play and laugh with M , as always . Two weeks left ( when I started this post ) ! I can hardly believe it . The most common question I am asked these days is something to do with how I 'm feeling now about having a second baby . Right now , the excitement of this pregnancy being done is overriding everything . There is still a part of me that is quite anxious about taking care of a toddler and a baby , especially for those first few super crazy weeks and months . And there is still a part of me that is a little sad about the time I will no longer have with just my sweet little E . But most of all , I just want to be done with getting tired after picking up one toy from the floor . Once little S is here , I 'm sure those other things will come more into play , along with what I 'm sure will be an intense love for her . But for now , I just want to start feeling normal again ( which will still be a while , since I 'm having a c - section ) . Monday - I went to my weekly doctor appointment and left E at home with his dada . Then the three of us took a trip to Home Depot to get things for the bathroom that is still in progress . E loves saying the word " Home Depot " . He is also quite fascinated with tape measures , so when he saw dada had one clipped to his pocket , E insisted on carrying it and playing with it instead , and we had to measure EVERYTHING in the store with the tape measure . He holds it up and stretches it out a bit and says " inches ! " , and I say something like , " Wow , thirteen inches ! Awesome ! " and then we move on to the next thing . We also walked past a window at the back of the store , so sometimes in between measurements he would say , " winnow adain " ( which means " window again " ) , and we would go look at the lumber and trash and trees and fence outside . We went home for lunch and nap . While E was napping , T fixed the rocking chair in our living room that was breaking a little . He had it tipped forward so the glue could dry . After his nap , E came downstairs and thought the chair looked funny and also like a ramp , so I showed him how to tip his little chair forward and use it as a ramp for his toys . He thought that was absolutely awesome [ and now does it many times per day ] , and he and I played with that for a while . Then we all ate dinner and went for a walk ( T fixed the stroller ! ! ) . Tuesday - E and I played and read for a while , and then we walked to the park ( again with the fixed stroller ! ) for a play date with one of my friends and her kids . E talked all the way there about wanting to play on the slide and swing and see - saw , so we made sure to do all of those things while we were there . We also had a picnic lunch there . We came home for his nap , and then we read lots of books , ate dinner , and he went to bed . Wednesday - Books and books and books . That kid wakes up wanting books , wants books all day , and probably dreams about books as well . He is getting more active and likes to play around and stuff while I read , but he 'll still sit for a while here and there , and he just loves hearing the stories . I don 't mind if he plays . I love that he is so in love with stories . Later in the morning we went swimming with my friend B and her new little one again . E did better this week and was excited to blow bubbles and kick and reach . He was quite proud of himself [ and has actually told me about it and practiced several times a day since then ] . Then we ran to Wal - Mart to get more baby supplies ( like newborn sized diapers , how crazy is that ? ! ) . We ate lunch and both took naps , and then … . you guessed it ! We READ MORE BOOKS for an hour because we had leftovers planned for dinner . After dinner he played for a while and then went to bed . Thursday - We often have Skype dates with my sister on Thursdays , so we talked to her for a while and he showed off his new favorite songs : " Superbass " by Nicki Minaj ( he sings , " boom boom boom boom boom boom uperbass " - yes , he leaves the " s " off of superbass ) and " Pumped Up Kicks " by Foster the People ( he sings , " wun and wun and wun " ) . [ Lately , every time we get in the car he asks for the " wun and wun song " over and over and over , which totally cracks me up . And he has also started singing " Moves Like Jagger " by Maroon 5 . He sings " moves like Jagger " and then does the ooo - 0ooo - ooo part . Hilarious . ] The rest of the morning and lunch was spent playing at my friend E 's house with her little boy M , who is one of E 's best friends . E & M have definitely entered the stage of stealing toys and wanting the toys the other has , so this will be interesting as we both have new babies on the way and now even more ornery toddlers . E got off of his bed twice to get toys before he went to sleep , which was a new thing . Then he woke up and cried at the end of his nap , and got off his bed again to get toys . But after that we came downstairs and I played his Wee Sing CD for him for the first time in a while ( I recently fixed his songbook that was falling apart ) . He actually seemed to understand a little bit that the songs were what were in the songbook , and he would yell his excitement every time one song ended and another one started . It was delightful to listen to , and he even sang along for a few of them . He especially got into the " If You 're Happy And You Know It " song . Friday - We went to a little petting farm with some friends . He heard cows moo and sheep baaaaa and chickens cluck . He was apprehensive of the cow , but also fascinated , and let me hold him and get close to the cow . He loved watching the horses , though , and loved playing with all the hay in the barn , and loved " driving " the tractor . We came home for lunch and naps , then listened to the song CD again . After dinner he got a much - needed bath , then went to bed . We always pray with E as we tuck him in at night . These days he prays too . He climbs into his bed and just barely gets turned around to face us before starting the prayer . He folds his hands together then nods his head and moves his hands up and down with every syllable and says " Dear Jesus , thank you Uncle Steve , Dada , Mama , nose , pants , arm , hair , Emery hair , eyes , sleeping bag " or some other random list of things and it is super adorable . Saturday - I turned calendar to the new month during breakfast . It 's a calendar with family pictures on each page , and since it 's October , this month has pictures from Halloween last year . E was excited that the two pictures were one of his uncle D and aunt S , and one of himself . He noticed before any of us did that both he and his uncle D are making the same open - mouthed warrior face , since uncle D was dressed as a knight with a sword and E was dressed as Paul Bunyan with an axe . He is now even more obsessed with uncle D than he was before , and tells me many times per day about the fact that they are both making that face in the pictures . How very observant and funny ! Then he and I went grocery shopping , and he got to sit in the big part of the cart at Wal - Nast . He had so much fun playing with all of the stuff , and I was trying to decide what he should and should not be allowed to play with or do back there . I decided that for now I will just choose the battle of making sure he sits rather than stands . He was actually quite obedient about that , but I did have to remind him a few times . I figure that with baby coming , he won 't be able to sit up front much longer and he needs to start learning to sit back there . We came home for lunch and then played in the sandbox for about 30 minutes before his nap . He was so happy ! He babbled and scooped and dumped and had a blast . He got off his bed for a toy once before falling asleep , but stayed on his bed when he woke up . Sunday - I actually had very little time with E today . We got up and got ready for church , but we didn 't go early with T , so we were a LITTLE more leisurely about it than normal . After church I had two baby showers that took my entire afternoon , so I brought E home , built a tower with him , then gave him his lunch and dashed out while he was eating . I got home right at his bed time , so I did spend a few minutes with him to pray and tuck him in . I enjoyed a day of not much child care and no real work , but I 'm glad I still have a week to spend with him and make more memories ! I only have three weeks left [ as of the start of this post ] , and I am starting to feel a time crunch for things I 'd like to get done before baby S arrives . I 'm also feeling even more desire to spend time with E and savor my time left with him . I do feel like I 've been able to enjoy a lot of time with him , and I 'm glad I 've taken the time to make him a top priority and take notes and make observations and memories . I think I 'll really be able to look back and know that I did my best to make this time special and to enjoy our time together . Monday - We were still at Oma & Papa 's house . Neither E nor I slept well all night . E and I both had colds and he woke up several times in the night . Still , he seemed happy and pretty normal all day , and I actually felt pretty good too . All of us went for a walk in the woods around the property and explored rocks and trees and moss and grasses . E loved it ! And he tried kinnikinnick berries and apparently enjoyed them despite their bitter and pithy flavor . We were all pretty hungry by the time we got back , so we made lunch and then all the boys took naps . All the boys played together for the rest of the afternoon and evening , then we had dinner and drove home . Normally E falls asleep within about 30 minutes of the drive home , but this time he didn 't sleep at all . Funny kid . He mostly just sat there and kicked his feet and babbled softly to himself . I didn 't give him any toys because I wanted him to sleep , but apparently he was able to entertain himself with his surroundings . Tuesday - T , E , and I hurried out of the house to get our car registration done . E and I read books on the floor of the county clerk office and people thought that was cute or funny or something because they looked at us strangely . Then we dropped T off at work and went to my weekly doctor appointment . E was very curious but obedient . He talked and talked and the midwife asked when he turned two . I told her he would be two in January , and she was shocked at how smart he is . I agreed about the smart AND the shocking . When we got home , we read lots of books , built towers , and had lunch . Several months ago , I gave E a squirt of whipped cream on his finger . He discovered a new can of it in the refrigerator today , although I have no idea how he remembered it from that long ago . He asked for some , and since he had been so good during the doctor and everything , I decided to try letting him have it straight into his mouth . I told him to sit on the ledge inside the fridge and look up and say " aaaahhhh " and I squirted some in . He thought that was just about the best thing ever ! [ Now every time I open the fridge he comes running as fast as he can saying , " Ip - team ! Ip - team ! " and he sits down on the ledge . I give him a squirt once a day now . ] E took a nap and woke up quite upset again . E and I packed up dinner stuff and took it to my best friend 's house for her birthday . G , A , and E played and played and laughed , then went to bed while the adults chatted for a while . Wednesday - E counted to 8 while eating breakfast , totally unprompted . I was shocked ! We played , read books , talked to Gigi , and then went swimming with my friend and her new baby . E was less ok with swimming than he has been in the past . He just wanted to sit on the edge and play . Lately he is very into " all done " for anything he doesn 't want to do or doesn 't want others doing . He kept saying all done about things in the pool - " all done kick kick kick " , " all done reach and reach " , etc . When we got home we read more books and had lunch and E took a nap . He woke up happy so I went to get him right away to try to reinforce that behavior . He played and played while I cooked dinner , and he read a ton of books to himself and I was completely amazed at how many things he knew in his books . I just kept listening to him and smiling and shaking my head in wonder . Thursday - I had a fairly busy day of things to get done , and didn 't feel like I got to spend a lot of quality time with E , but he was around me all day and that was fun too . He did get to have a friend over because that friend 's mama volunteered to clean out my bathtub for me since it 's hard to bend over it and really clean it anymore . How nice ! So the boys sat at the table , each with a bowl of dry cereal , and had fun . There was quite a mess on the floor when we came back downstairs , but such is life . Their squeals of delight were hilarious from upstairs . E mostly read to himself and played with his toys for the rest of the morning . He did learn to stand on his push - and - ride toy ( which we call his vehicle ) and then jump down with one foot on either side of it . Good thing he 's got those fat cloth diapers as padding ! He 's pretty good at it though , and he really thinks he 's got himself something . We did also make time to read some books and make a tower with his Duplos in the afternoon . Friday - I had two small errands to run , and no other plans , and I kept it that way so that I could have lots of time with E . We ran to the bank and to the fabric store , and then came home to play . He wanted to swing because it was really nice outside . So I pushed him in his swing for about 40 minutes ! My arms were really tired . But he just swung away the time and talked to me about all kinds of things - the zoo we visited and the carousel he rode , the fireworks we saw on the 4th of July , the thunder that woke him up last week , the crab apples in the tree , the time the swing got going crooked and his shoe hit the tree bark , and several other things . It was really fun to just watch him relax and enjoy the little breeze in his hair and have a very real conversation for a child his age . Then we had lunch and he cleaned up his blocks while I cleaned up his books . He was quite defiant about cleaning up the blocks for some reason , and it took about 30 minutes instead of his usual 5 . He woke up crying during his nap , but I calmed him down and he went back to sleep , and he woke up and followed the rules really well once his normal wake - up time rolled around . Then we read lots of books and made dinner , and T put him to bed . Saturday - E discovered sitting on his knees rather than his bottom when he 's at the table , which is fine because it helps him sit higher and see his food better . Today while sitting on his knees he wanted my pen , so I got out his coloring book for him and he colored several pages with the pen . He concentrated very hard and told us all about the pictures - " bunny " , " doggie , woof woof " , things like that . Then E and I went grocery shopping and he was in a really great mood . At one store I had to buy nutmeg and he was very attached to that for some reason . He held it all through the store and all the way home . T was working on the bathroom in our basement , so we went to visit him for a bit , and then we played with the drum kit that is being stored in our basement . E was hilarious ! He banged with those sticks as though he were in a real rock concert , and he concentrated really hard on it all . He loved the snare especially , it seemed . After lunch he took a nap and woke up happy and followed the rules ! But he was all sweaty , so I gave him a bath . Then we read books , had dinner , and he went to bed . Sunday - We all got up early for church , where he ate breakfast and then played on the window sill and ran around with his friend G . Afterwards we went out to lunch with friends and he entertained himself with a foil ball and did a GREAT job . He woke up crying from nap again , but on the bed at least . Our friends P and J and their littles , G and A , were here for the afternoon and evening , so E got to go outside and play in the sandbox and the swing with G , and we even went for a short walk . While I worked on dinner , they played in the sandbox again while J stayed outside and watched them . E poured sand all over himself - covered his feet / shoes , covered his legs , poured it down over his head and down his back , everywhere . He wasn 't throwing it , and he was having such a great time dumping it all over , so I just let him even though I knew the cleanup process would be extensive . I had to just strip him down to his diaper for dinner , but I think kids in just their diapers are cute , so that was fine with me ! He sang and laughed with G and A during dinner , which was very loud but very funny . He had to bathe to get the rest of the sand off , and I had to run the water out of the faucet onto his head to get it all out of his hair . He screamed and fought , but it had to be done . And there was at least 1 / 2 cup of sand in diaper and caked all over his bottom . Totally worth it to see his enjoyment though ! Monday - Oma , my sister - in - law H , and her son W were here . H and W live in Texas , so we were excited to just let the boys play all morning . They spent a fair amount of the time in the sandbox and water bucket and they were really cute and fun together . After their afternoon naps we took them out and played in the parking lot with a ball . They ran and laughed and kicked the ball and threw the ball , and it was really fun to watch the cousins start to know each other . It was also cute to hear E say their names and be excited to see them . The only downside to the day was that E woke up sad / distressed during his nap once and after his nap . Tuesday - I felt completely exhausted from the day before , so E and I played with Duplo blocks and got dinner started and that was our entire morning . That afternoon we went to my friend 's house , where E played with his friend M for a while and then took a nap . He woke up sad / distressed during and after his nap , meaning he did not get much of a nap . It was , however , fun and funny to watch him play with M even though he was emotionally unstable about things . We played in the sandbox for a bit when we got home , and the second I turned my back he climbed into the bucket of water with all of his clothes on and made me laugh . The water was shallow , and he knows how to climb in because that 's how we rinse him off before coming inside . He was sopping wet and laughing , and it was just such a moment of child - like fun . Wednesday - We read some new books from Nie - nie . He loves the one about policemen and firemen because he loves the page with the bell that says " clang clang " . He now explains back to me that the bell says " clang clang " and then the man goes down the pole and then the fire engine goes by and says " wee - ooo - wee - ooo " . He tells me over and over and over ! Later as I did laundry , he got into my socks and put some on over his jeans like he was ready to go snow - playing . He wouldn 't let me take them off all day , and he looked hilariously like a little kid . My friend J and her kids G and A came for lunch . Emery all out yelled with delight at seeing G 's face ! He did a great job of waking up after his nap - happy and on the bed . He came downstairs and played with play - doh with J while I chased G and A around in the kitchen . Then we all read lots of books and he followed G around marching and stomping and making noises and repeating everything she said . I really love watching their little friendship because they each adore the other so much . Thursday - T , E , and I went for a drive in the foothills just outside of town . E read what he calls the " bell book " ( the one about policemen and firemen ) the whole time . It was a nice relaxing time of good conversation , and E has finally started to watch out the windows and notice things like trees and water and clouds . When we got home , I sewed new handles onto my diaper bag ( made by Ragamuffin Totes ) and E wanted to watch . I was fine with that , because I knew he would find the machine fascinating . I gave him a bobbin of yellow thread and showed him how to wind the thread around it . He just waved it around saying he was winding it , but was really just getting more thread everywhere . Then he got down to play with a toy , and when I cleaned up it took me 5 minutes to undo the maze of thread ! It was wound around chairs , the gates on the stairs , his legs , his toys , everything . It totally made me laugh . He did a great job when he woke up from his nap again . Friday - I took E to the toddler sing - along again with some friends . He still just wanted to stay on my lap and not join in , but had fun playing in the plaza after lunch with his friends M and C . He woke up from his nap happy and said " mama " a few times just like I told him , but just a few minutes later I heard him crying and when I went in he was not on his bed , but was standing by his toys trying to play with them but with his sleeping bag all tangled around him . So I took him back to his bed and we talked through the rules again and he settled down . We read lots of books , had dinner , ran to the store , played out front with leaves , then cleaned up toys and went to bed . I enjoyed our entire day together . Saturday - The three of us went grocery shopping together . E asked for apple juice all through the store , so when we were done we bought him a juice box again , which he sucked down in record time . When we got home we had lunch , naps , and dinner , then played and went to bed . Sunday - E and I slept until our normal times while T went to church early . E and I packed for a trip to Oma & Papa 's house , then went to church . During the worship time , E climbed over the back of the church pew and fell . I was singing and keeping only one eye on him , but I heard the clunk and the crying . I thought he fell off the front , but by the time I realized what had actually happened , the guy from across the aisle picked him up for me and told me what happened . E was ultimately fine , but I 'm sure it hurt and scared him , and he cried quite a bit . After lunch we picked up our friends C and B and their son C and drove to Evergreen . Our boys got to play with E 's cousin W while we all made dinner . The boys were super tired from all the playing , so they went right to sleep at bed time and we all relaxed all evening . Monday was Labor Day , so we got together with our best friends for a picnic at a park that is just a little way into the mountains . Before heading to the park , we stopped at the store to buy what are apparently the only snack foods my husband likes anymore - Oreos and goldfish crackers ( news to me ! ) . E has probably had goldfish crackers about five times in his life , and the last time was quite a while ago , so I have no idea why he got so excited when we mentioned them . But when I picked up the box in the store , he wanted to hold that box all the way to the car , and he couldn 't wait to eat them . We played on the playground , " hiked " around the paths in the park , I chased the kids around some trees , we ate our lunch which included goldfish crackers , and then headed home . It was a gorgeous day outside , and we had a lot of fun . That night was E 's first night in his big boy bed . I left his door cracked so that I could see what he was up to . He rolled off ( the mattress is just on the floor for now ) and slept most of night on floor but got back on the bed in the morning like I told him to . I was thrilled that he did so well ! On Tuesday E played by himself upstairs while I cleaned the bathrooms . It 's been fun for me that he is at an age where I can leave him to play while I do things around the house . I just listen for him and check on him every so often to make sure he 's not getting into mischief , and he seems very much like a little boy at those times and definitely not a baby anymore . Then we walked to my friend 's house who has three little ones . E rode a scooter - he pushed with one foot and stood on the other and I just helped him steer . I was pretty impressed at how quickly he learned that skill . I pushed him on a trike as well , which he liked a little , but found frustrating because the pedals kept hitting his legs or his feet . He took his first nap on his big boy bed , and he did great at being obedient and going back to his bed after he woke up on the floor . He did a great job that night with his bed too . Wednesday was a very rainy day . We had some things to do that day , and as I mentioned before , he outgrew all of his shoes . I wasn 't about to carry him everywhere we went , so we needed to buy some shoes . With no shoes on his feet , I carried him to the vehicle and then into Wal - Mart . He was very opinionated ! The first pair of shoes I tried on him made him throw a small fit . I calmed him down and explained that , like it or not , I was going to try shoes on him . The second pair I tried made him laugh out of pure joy . So I held the two pairs up for him to choose from and he very emphatically pointed to the second pair and said , " Dis one ! " I put them both in the cart until we were ready to check out , then asked him again . He was emphatic again about that pair , so that was the pair we bought . We tried to go swimming with our regular swim partner who just had a baby , but the pool was closed for maintenance . E was disappointed , but we went home and built a Duplo tower instead . He had his second nap in big boy bed that day . He slept well but did not get back on his bed when he woke up . Instead he came to the door and cried very loudly and sadly . When I went up to his room , he looked very distressed and I have no idea why . He did go back and lie down for a few minutes when I told him to , and then he did a great job again that night . On Thursday I had to go to the doctor for my weekly pregnancy checkup . E played and obeyed very well and mimicked the baby 's heartbeat sound . When we got home , we played outside in our parking lot with a car that his uncle A made for him . He loved how it would go fast and ka - boom into things , loved when it would tip over , loved when it went up onto the sidewalk or down off the sidewalk , and was thrilled at copying my " one , two , threeeeeee ( and push ) " . He napped on big boy bed , and woke up sad and desperate just like Wednesday . I was still puzzled about why he would feel that way . He played while I made dinner , and I noticed that he would answer some of my questions ( and sometimes his own ) with " sure " ( which comes out more like " sheer " ) . I don 't know exactly where he got that - I don 't THINK I say that all that often . But it cracked me up once I realized what he was saying . He also started ending some of his sentences with " mmmm " with a little upward lilt . I know I do that a lot - I ask him a question and end it with " hmmm ? " That made me laugh too . Friday morning we went to a berry patch with Oma and my husband 's sister ( H ) and her little boy ( W ) . E was pretty good at obeying the rules with the strawberries ( like not picking the green ones and not stepping on the plants ) . He ran up and down the rows laughing and squealing and asking me to " mama gishoo " ( mama get you ) . He loved eating the raspberries while we picked them and clearly remembered doing that at Oma 's house . He didn 't want to stay in the row with me though . He wanted to pick with Oma ( which was fine with me ) , and Oma showed him how to hold up the branch with one hand and pick with the other hand . He had some quality play time with dada that afternoon when we got home , which he really enjoyed since it doesn 't happen very often . On Saturday the three of us went grocery shopping . On our way out of the house , E ran to the vehicle in the driveway and said " go ah - self " ( go yourself ) instead of holding my hand , which was a first for him . Again with the growing up ! We gave in and bought him a juice box at the store and he drank it in about 3 seconds which just made us laugh . I don 't blame him though - I love apple juice too ! When we got home , he played with play - doh and kept putting the male anatomy on the man I made ( even though I just called it a person ) . Kids really do the darnedest things I guess ! That night we gave him a haircut that was shorter than we intended , but it ended up making him look pretty darn dashing . He spent a lot of the day laughing about things and it 's really fun to see his sense of humor developing . I 'm pretty curious to see what his humor will be like as he grows up . He woke up from his nap very distressed again , and we still have no idea why . Sunday we got up early and went to church . When the kids were dismissed from the service to go to their Sunday school rooms , he didn 't want to hold my hand like normal . Instead he just took off and made his way through the people without looking back for me until he got to his room , and even then it was just a glance - he didn 't break his stride one bit . It was very cute and just one more moment of seeing him grow up . I love seeing his independence blossoming and showing through . He had several more instances of " ah - self " - which makes me and T laugh because when I was little I said " I do it " . For now , it warms my heart to see things from me in him since he looks just like dada and acts a lot like dada . I enjoy the moments when I can see that he is indeed my son too ! As I lay him down for his nap , I spent several minutes reassuring him of how to go back to his bed and say " mama " when he woke up and that I would come and let him know when he could get up . I reminded him that he didn 't need to be sad or scared or throw a fit . I don 't know if that was the reason , but he woke up from his nap perfectly happy and just babbling away on his bed . I was happy to see that . Then he got to play with his favorite friends G and A . He laughed with G a lot , as usual . T and I have also had several laughs at the fact that he says " mama hep - oo " ( mama help you ) when he actually does want help with something . This is the first of my six weeks left with just E around ! I 'm definitely feeling more cumbersome and moving much slower , but this is really only helping me to slow down and enjoy life and not rush around and do too many things each day . I really get to observe E and spend time playing with him , which is exactly what I should be doing right now . This week has had fun moments , some not - so - sweet moments , and some periods of just normal life . Monday started with me and my husband lying in bed wondering why E was still so quiet . When we got up at our normal time , we found Oma and Papa in his room playing and reading with him ( they had been here all weekend to help work on our basement bathroom ) . It was quite cute . A lot of the morning E spent with Oma in our garden . He just followed her around , picking things , eating things , exploring , talking with her , and just generally enjoying life outside . I stayed inside and just let them be , and it was adorable to watch their little relationship . They left while he was napping that afternoon , and our evening was fairly normal . I made dinner , we all ate , and then we read and played a little bit and he went to bed . Tuesday I needed to do some grocery shopping , so E and I went to Target and patted the big red ball out front . E likes to take my list out of my hand and then I playfully snatch it from him and say , " That 's mama 's list ! " and he laughs really hard and does it about 382 more times . He does the same with my pen . He threw my pen though , and I told him not to do it again . He did , so he got the privilege of holding my pen taken away for the rest of the trip . He was so good about it though , touching the pen and saying , " All done pen " . Our best friends have a daughter , G , who is three and a half years older than E , but she loves him almost uncontrollably . And he loves her just as much . They have a son , A , who is one year older than E , and they like each other too . Some days E wakes up and says their names over and over and over all day . Tuesday was one of those days , which was lucky , since we were going to their house later ! He was so excited to be there . He copied everything G did all afternoon , and laughed with her at all kinds of silly things . We even went for a walk around the block , and he walked the whole way . He was quite slow and worn out by the end , but he did it , probably because she did it . Wednesday was mostly just a normal day , although we did have a lunch date with a former co - worker of mine who is a good friend . We got to visit some of the people I used to work with , and I got to show him off a bit . E and I did laundry together and we built a tower with all of his Duplo blocks . He likes to describe where he puts each block with " up heew " or " wite der " , and he 'll crawl around looking at each side of the tower for any gaps that need to be filled in , and then I help him lift off any blocks that are in the way so he can fill the gap . It 's really funny to watch him analyze his tower so much . We also read a LOT of books and went for a walk after dinner . I had fun spending time just letting him be himself . Thursday found us with Oma and Papa here again to do more work on our basement bathroom . E was so happy to see them . Oma taught him a little song that repeats the word " amen " , and he sang it all day with her . He wanted to swing in the morning , so we spent time in the backyard swinging and eating crab apples . It was such a sweet and fall - like visual : him swinging while munching on crab apples , Oma pushing him and singing and talking , and me gathering crab apples for the pie we would make for dessert that night . They spent a lot of time reading together all day too . I was struck with two realizations that day . One was that E has a different energy about him when Oma is around . He is calmer , he sits and listens to stories even longer than usual , he eats better ( and he 's already a good eater ) , and he will play by himself more creatively . I 've noticed it the last few times he 's been around her , but I think it 's finally time to call it an actual trend , and not just a coincidence . The second realization was that , I assume due to the beach ball that is my belly these days , E no longer sits on my lap to read stories , but he will still sit on others ' laps . He will snuggle in right next to me , but I miss him on my lap and I 'm a little jealous that he 'll sit on other laps . But I don 't really blame him - I don 't think my lap seems comfortable either . But I hope that when the belly is gone he 'll sit there again . On Friday E and I met one of my best friends and her little boy ( whom E adores ) at a toy store downtown for a kids ' song time . The bad part of my day happened then - I left my amazing umbrella stroller with the adjustable handles behind the car and backed right over it . Uuuugggghhhhh ! I was NOT happy about this , and I was already not in a great mood for the day ( pregnancy hormones ? ) . But it was time to go , so there was no time to sit and stew over it . I wasn 't sure what to expect from E during the song time , since I can 't tell yet if he 's an introvert or an extrovert ( though my guess is introvert ) . He was excited to see his friend , but when we got to the room of kids singing , he just sat down in the hallway and set his face into " I 'm thinking and observing " mode , and stayed there for the entire 30 or 40 minutes . They sang some songs he knew , and I asked him if he wanted to do it with them , and did the actions for him , but he just stared at me with that same look . I found it hilarious and sweet all at once . When we left , we walked down the street to some fountains for a picnic lunch with our friends , and he was his normal , playful self once it was just him and his friend . They ran around and climbed and splashed and squealed and had a great time . I really love watching him play with his friends . Again , I had a realization that day . I didn 't know that kids his age had personalities developed enough to have different play styles with different friends . With this friend , they just play and play from the moment they see each other . They chase each other and make noises and do very boyish things . But we have some other very dear friends with a little boy his age , and while they like each other , they are both happy to just play by themselves and not really interact until they need to . If we put them both in a wagon for a walk , they will make noises and laugh and be silly and play with each other really well . But once they 're out of the wagon , each one is off to do his own thing . I found that very intSaturday morning , E woke up in a very cuddly mood . He spent the first couple of hours continually hugging my leg and saying , " Hi honey " . It was so sweet . I don 't know what got into him , but I was happy about it ! We had planned to spend the day with the same friends as the day before , due to some noisy things going on at the house . But I realized that we didn 't have much food around and needed to get my grocery shopping done , since the rest of our weekend was full of plans too . So I had to cancel hanging out with friends and we went shopping instead . E was a good sport about it , and I tried to make it fun since he was disappointed to not see his friend . He ate a huge lunch when we got home , and then we read some books . He snuggled extra close , which again , I loved ! And I sang the " Ring Around The Rosie " song to him , which thrilled him to no end . He kept singing , " Hashy , hashy , fall down ! " followed by , " Oh no ! " because that 's what he says when things fall down . Then he 'd laugh and do it again . When I put him down for his nap , I could hear him singing it and I assume falling down in his crib and laughing for about 30 minutes . It made me laugh . Sunday was a normal Sunday . We woke up and went to church , but E and I got to come home after the first service instead of waiting through the second one for T . So E and I built a tower with his Duplo blocks again , and sang a lot more " Ring Around The Rosie " , and read several books . After his lunch , he usually gets to play for a bit before his nap , but he was very cranky . So I took him to his room to get him changed and ready for a nap , and discovered he had developed a painful - looking diaper rash . I don 't know what it is with that kid and diaper rashes this summer ! But once I got some ointment on it he seemed fine , and he went right to sleep . I discovered that morning that he has outgrown every pair of shoes he has , so perhaps there 's a little growth spurt going on too , making him extra tired . That evening we went to some friends ' house for dinner , and his little friend M was there , so they played and laughed and ran around until they both were about to drop . We came home and he went right to bed . All in all , it was a nice week . I 'm glad I made some memories with E , and that I took a lot of extra time to just be with him and play with him . I 'm looking forward to this for the next few weeks . I realized a few days ago that I have six weeks left before little S arrives . That means I have six weeks left with just little E around . After that , our relationship and our life together will never be the same . If you 've read my blog posts in the past , I still have the same feelings about the upcoming arrival of little S . I am scared out of my mind at some moments , excited to meet her at other moments , and in the rest of the moments I feel terribly dumb for getting myself into this . During these last weeks I have with just little E , I want to chronicle and remember our happenings . I want to remember the little games we play together and the things we see . If I had started last week I would tell you about the day that he slipped on the spilled water on our hardwood floor and it looked just like a cartoon ! His little feet flew right out from under him and he landed on the back of his head . It looked hilarious and painful all at once . ( He was totally fine , by the way . ) And I would tell you about him sitting on my lap and finding my salt shaker , and then finding the plug at the bottom . He pulled the plug , and a huge pile of salt ended up on the counter . I would tell you how my gut reaction was to say , " Oh , Bubba , hop down now . Ugh . Now I have to clean this all up . " But instead , I held my tongue for a moment and then laughed and showed him how to draw pictures in it like sand and how to lick his hand and get the salt to stick to it and fun things like that . I want to remember his funny words and his habits . He is very into books again these days , and so he 'll grab anybody 's hand that he can get a hold of and drag them to the couch and say , " weed , teez " ( read please ) . But when we 're all busy , he 'll sit and read to himself and it 's amazing to see what he remembers on the pages ! ( By the way , he can 't say " k " sounds , so book is boot , except rhymes with foot ; and milk is moot , and also rhymes with foot . ) He has one book that ends with the line , " I love you so much . I want you to know . " And now every time we say , " Love you ! " he will respond with , " Uh - voo . O much . Eh know . " So darling . He knows the difference between his high chair and our normal " low chairs " , and at meal times he likes to choose between them . He likes anything associated with the word " new " , so he loves his new spoons even though they 're a few weeks old now , and he loves his new room at church even though he 's been there for a couple of months now , and he loves our new car . He likes to say " ka - boom " after he falls and then re - enact the fall , showing us how it happened " wite der " ( right there ) , and mimicking how he cried . I can 't get him to understand that " ssshhh " means to actually " ssshhh " . He thinks it 's just one more thing to copy and laugh at - very ineffective ! There is a song on the radio right now - " La la la whatever . " Emery loves it and sings " Lalalalalalala ee - lev - oo " and his tongue sticks way out of his mouth . You can consider those as teasers of the kinds of things I 'll be telling you about in the next several weeks . So if you want to follow along , I hope you enjoy it . What kinds of stories and memories do you have from the last bit before your second little came along ? What ideas do you have for special outings or special moments for us to share ? This post has been a long time coming . My last post was February 1 - before I knew I was to become a reluctant mama to baby number 2 ! For several weeks , every time I sat down to write ( or anything else ) I fell asleep . I 'm finally able to stay awake again , and so here it is . This post has been a long time coming for a second reason though . I was reluctant to become a mama the first time around , partly because I knew that , for me , becoming a mama to one kid would most likely mean becoming a mama to at least two kids since I didn 't want an only child . As it turned out , I didn 't love the newborn phase with little E . But the older he gets ( now 16 months ) , the more I love and enjoy him . That made me decide that I wanted to have another pipsqueak before I got too far removed from the newborn phase and couldn 't bring myself to go through it again . And it also made me want to get all the newborns we 're going to have over with as soon as we can . I also have hopes ( and I realize they are just hopes ) that these littles will be buddies as they grow up . So now I have number 2 on the way . By far the most - asked question , after inquiring whether we were planning this baby ( which we were ) , is how I feel about the prospect of two kids . I do feel excited , but like last time , I think most of my excitement will come after the pipsqueak is born and I really start getting to know him or her . Mostly I feel nervous on the good days and downright frightened on the bad days . I 'm sure most people can understand that , whether they have children or not . I 'm about to have a newborn baby and a 21 - month - 0ld toddler at the same time . I don 't know how I 'll find time for enough sleep . Right now I can 't even imagine how I 'll find enough time for food . I 'm anticipating a couple of months of being nothing but a feeding machine : get up and feed the baby and get breakfast for the rest of us at some point , then feed the baby again not too long after cleaning up , then figure out lunch for me and E and feed the baby again , then feed the baby again and try to get dinner going , and then feed the baby again and go to bed . That 's how I imagine my days going . Where does one find time to nap or shower or eat , let alone play with a toddler who needs and wants his mama 's attention ? ! Which brings me to the really bad days . On the really bad days , I feel as though I am ruining three separate lives simultaneously . Little E has no idea what is coming in five months . There is no good way to explain to him that he will have a little brother or sister , and that he will need to be understanding and patient and that his mama still loves him . And so I feel like his life is about to be devastated , even though I can follow logically ( on the good days ) that this will ultimately be better for him . The pipsqueak so far has received a mere fraction of the thought time and prayer time and interaction from me at this point that little E had received at this point . And if you know me , you know that 's not much since it was hard for me to engage with my pregnancy with E for other reasons . I feel like this little one is starting out with a deficit of my attention , and that he or she may never be able to catch up because I will want to spend as much time as I can maintaining the relationship that I have worked so hard for with E . And so I feel like I am ruining the pipsqueak 's life already . And my fears of being simply a feeding machine pretty much sum up why I may be ruining my life as well . Actually , now that I think of it , my husband 's life might well be ruined too , when I think about the state of mind he might come home to find me in every day . I don 't like to admit these things . I want to be able to say that I am overjoyed and excited and I just can 't wait to hold that little babe and introduce him or her to E . I want to be able to say that I can 't wait for all the lovely moments I 'll share with this pipsqueak , just like I did with E , even though it will be a very different experience . And I do have those feelings , for sure . But the closer it gets ( and I 'm only half way there ) , the more those feelings are mixed with the fear and the anxiety . This is where you readers and friends come in . I have five months before pipsqueak arrives , and I want to begin to battle some of the fears so that I can live in more of a state of joy and hope and excitement . What ideas or experiences do you have for me to try ? And if you have more than one child , what were your feelings as you prepared for number 2 ? We met up for lunch , ate , and had a generally wonderful time in the sun . It was warm enough for no jackets . The playground was alive with squeals and shouts from parents and kids alike . We played on the swings . We played on the slide ( a first for little E , and a big hit ) ! We played in the sand . We visited with my friend and laughed at the antics of her two little boys , one of whom climbed most of the way up a very tall tree to " look for his brother " who was not lost . We basked in the warmth of both the sunshine and the feelings of joy and play . When it was nap time for all the boys , we packed up and went our separate ways . E and I strolled home , and he played for a little while before he actually took his nap . When I came downstairs , I saw IT . |
WHEN TWO WORLDS MEET Carol entered her room and slowly closed the door behind her , it had been a long day and she felt exhausted . She threw off her flat shoes and her feet felt soothed when she stepped on her velvet carpet . Carol felt her phone vibrate in her pocket jeans as she fell on her huge luxurious bed . She pulled it out and before she could answer , it stopped calling . She jeered when she saw that the number calling was unfamiliar . Leaning over , she pulled the telephone from her side table and dialed the number . It called for a long time and when it was picked , all she could hear was clicking bottles and noises in the background . ' Hello … hello … ' No one spoke back . She banged back the receiver and placed the phone back on the table . This usually happened , so it did not bother her much . Her bedroom door opened and an elderly woman peeped in . ' Carol dear , have you taken supper yet ? ' ' Yes mum ' ' You should have waited up for your dad and I ' ' Am sorry , am just really tired ' ' It 's ok . Did you go to church ? ' Carol sighed and shook her head . ' Next time then , three Sundays in arrow , you should come for Bible study on Wednesday ' ' Ya ' ' Goodnight dear ' ' Goodnight mum ' The door closed slowly behind Mrs . Mwambu . Carol leaned heavily on her pillow . She had intended to pray but well , as usual she had over slept . She woke up at eleven am and immediately received a phone call from Sheila to go out for swimming . She had accepted of course . Carol felt empty all of a sudden . She grabbed her Bible that lay below her pillow and opened it . Mrs . Mwambu looked intently at her husband as they had supper . She felt a little anxious of to ask him but she knew she had to , although his reaction would be bad . ' Has Carol taken supper ? ' he asked all of a sudden , startling her from her thoughts . ' Yes ' she answered , taking a sip on her juice and getting a hold of her fork again . ' Is it true ? ' she abruptly asked him . ' What is true ? ' Mr . Mwambu replied her with a question . ' What they are saying in the news … and in the papers , that you took a huge sum of money and are about to evict poor settlers from some piece of land ' He leaned back as though he had expected this kind of questioning . ' Do you really think I did it ? ' ' Explain to me the building of the house in Munyonyo , the shares in Bank of Uganda … ' ' The company in Kenya made some very good profits ' ' I thought you had sold it . ' ' I sold half of it to a very hard working and creative man ' She shook her head . ' Trust me my dear , I might be a minister in today 's government but am not a thief like the rest of the Ministers . I did not take any money and am not evicting anyone from any piece of land . ' He sighed again , completed the juice in his glass and excused himself from the table . Mrs . Mwambu was worried . She knew her husband like the back of her palm . He was definitely lying . He had embezzled that money and he was evicting helpless people from land . She said a short desperate prayer . This time she knew they would get him and he would pay dearly . She had to get a private detective to handle this for her , quickly . She imagined it was the heat that had woken her from her sleep . As she turned uncomfortably in her bed , Carol realized she had had a terrible nightmare . A faint noise made her open her eyes and look around her large bedroom . A cold breeze brushed against her skin and she turned towards her window . Her heart pounded when she saw her curtain open and a dark figure come through it . She sat up in shock as she watched it jump on the floor and head for her . Carol opened her mouth to scream but terror made her skip out of her bed to escape the stranger . The figure grabbed her and placed a wet cloth over her nose . Everything dazed and then there was darkness . * * Mayi dragged her self through the dark plantation . It was cold and dark but she did not care , she was simply filled with misery . A sudden rush of a harsh wind made her shudder from coldness . Her mind was filled with all sorts of thoughts but one was persistent , she had lost her little girl Sera and it hurt her so bad . Why ? Had God abandoned them or had he forgotten ? She had prayed so hard , the whole church had prayed , but little Sera had died . The nurses in the small town had taken their time in examining her baby because Mayi did not have money . They said the child had a brain problem and that she had to travel to Kampala for more medical check ups . Mayi did not even have the money to travel . One morning little Sera cried continuously . Mayi rushed her to the hospital but the little girl had died while the nurses where checking her . Mayi stopped as these thoughts rushed through her mind . She felt the pain in her heart would chock her . The thought of the first time she had seen little Sera 's dead body , a thin two year old pale body , drenched in pain and uncertainty haunted her . She imagined the little girl expressing her disappointment to God for giving her Mayi as her mother . Mayi walked off a little distance , the garden was so familiar , she had gone through it a dozen times . As she moved closer to her destination her heart beat faster , she was anxious of what she * * Carol awoke with difficulty , although she was not sure of what was going on , she some how knew it was not a good thing . As she struggled to open her drowsy eyes , Carol realized her whole body was in pain and her arm was firmly held . She looked beside her and saw a strange man , dark and thin with a clearly unshaven beard , he had a cigarette in his mouth . The strange man held Carol with one arm and the other something that looked like a gun . ' Jesus ' she cried out in fear , it dawned on her now that she had been kidnapped . The strange man looked at her lazily and then away . ' She 's awake boss ' he said to the man driving the car they were in . Carol looked outside the window , it was dark , she had no idea were she was . Afraid , she said a quiet prayer and tried to think of what to do . ' Take me back home ' she said out loud suddenly ' Shut up ' ' You are going to be in trouble , my father … ' ' Your father is a thief ! ' the boss had shouted ' My father is no thief , you are the thieves , you will be charged with kidnap ' ' Shut that kid up Mwemba ' ' Keep quiet ' the strange man ordered Carol pushing her head with his huge arm . She looked at the door next to him , it was open , she could actually push him out . A phone rang , it was for the boss , he answered it . Carol quickly stretched out her free hand and with all her might pulled and pushed the door open . The strange man shouted and waved his gun at Carol . The boss who was on the phone out of surprise lost control and the car went on swaying from one side to another . Carol tried pushing the strange man out , he turned his gun and pointed it at her . As Mayi lifted the knife up and directed it to her belly , a heavy thud followed by a loud noise that almost sounded like an explosion shook her . The knife in her hand fell and she stood up looking around , she wondered what in the world that was . The first sounded like a collision and the second a gun gone off . If there had been a collision of a vehicle on a tree , then it had to be on the left side of the garden that is where her husband had planted the avocado tree . She rushed there . In the increasing rain , the car looked shattered . Mayi hurried closer and peeped inside , She could see a girl and a man at the back seat , at the front she saw a man whose head lay helplessly an the steer wheel . The girl moved , Mayi was confused but she still pulled the door open . The girl looked up at her , blood was oozing from her fore head . ' Help … help me … I 've been kidnapped … ' the girl said almost in a murmur ' What ? ' ' Get me out of here … please … ' Mayi held her hand and tried pulling her out . ' My leg is stuck ' the girl said looking to be in more pain . ' Let me go get help ' Mayi said after realizing she could not do this on her own . ' No … please don 't leave me , don 't you understand … I have been kidnapped … here , try pulling me out again ' the girl said giving Mayi her hand again . Mayi held the girl 's hand and pulled , finally she was able to come out of the car . ' Are you alright ? ' Mayi asked with concern . ' We have to call the police … these men … ' ' Stop , where do you think you are going ' a brutal sound had interrupted the girl . The two Women turned towards the car , a strange man was crawling out of the shattered car with a gun in his hand , his face was covered with blood . ' Let 's get out of here ' Mayi shouted . She grabbed the weak girls arm and they started running . The flash of lightening and increasing thunder ushered in a heavy down pour and the two women ran as fast as they could with the sound of bullets that missed them narrowly going off in the air . Mrs . Mwambu sat with a police officer explaining to her what had happened . The house was full of police constables and Mr . Mwambu stood in the dining speaking on the phone . ' Why would anyone want to harm my precious child ' Mr . Mwambu said , clearing the tears that continuously drenched her face . ' We shall find her madam ' the police man assured her . ' Please , please try your level best ' * * As Carol lay in the strange unfamiliar bed , her heart was heavy with worry . Worry of were she was , if her parents would find her and how . Her whole body especially the forehead hurt . She opened her eyes slightly and looked around the small room . It had chairs and saucepans in the corner , shoes , a basin … she wandered how this lady survived in this one roomed small house . Mayi who was outside came in and stood beside Carol . She bent over and felt her temperature by her forehead . ' I should take you to the hospital ' Carol opened her mouth to tell her to call the police but she choked and the lady hurried to get her a cup of water . As Mayi hurried back , she saw two men coming towards her house . She knew them but with the circumstances she was in , she somehow knew they were up to no good . She put the cup down and hurried to the girl . ' Don 't make a single sound ' she whispered to her and covered her face . There was a knock on the door and Mayi hurried to meet her visitors . ' How are you Mayi ' one of the men greeted ' Am fine Sam , Peter , how are you , to what do I owe this early visit ? ' ' We are looking for some one … a girl ' ' A girl ' Mayi repeated , as if to make sure she heard well . ' A young girl ' Peter said again . ' But for what ? ' ' It 's a complicated issue ; we have been given some information that you have a girl in this house . ' Mayi 's heart pounded . ' What ? The only girl I have in this house is Susan , my sister 's daughter . You know her don 't you ? ' ' Of course … but … ' ' Why are you looking for this girl ? ' Mayi asked quickly , to change the topic . ' That girl ' Sam said lowering his voice ' is the key to ending our misery , they may not have to vacate us if we get a hold of her . ' Mayi nodded thinking through it quickly . If she handed the girl over , they would not evict her from her place . But the whole situation seemed hazy , like something was wrong some where . ' Have you seen her anywhere , perhaps ' Peter asked Mayi . ' No ' Mayi replied out loud . She knew they wouMr . and Mrs . Mwambu sat in the sitting room . Questions had been asked and a search had been on since the night of Carol 's disappearance . An enormous phone call was made , the kidnappers wanted Mr . Mwambu to withdraw his eviction order of the Tembabule land and a token of a million dollars for putting the tenants on tension , and then his daughter would be released . He had two days to do this or else he would never set his eyes on his daughter again . Mrs . Mwambu was in panic , Mr . Mwambu was in rage . How dare they kidnap his daughter . If they dared to harm her , he would destroy every single person involved in the land , whether innocent or guilty . Investigations were on going and the tension was high . Then came another phone call at midday . A lady calling from Tembabule claiming that she had Carol , that some men had tried to kidnap her but they had escaped together . She gave them the directions . ' Let 's go now ' Mr . Mwambu said , impatient to get back his daughter . * * Mayi hurried back after she had made the call , she prayed hard that the girl was still there and safe . As she headed for the market , Mayi had seen Sam and Peter , they stood with a stranger . She had wondered were she had seen him . Mayi only recalled when the shop attendant dialed the number the girl had given her , her steps fastened when she realized that the girl could actually be in danger . The stranger that stood with Peter and Sam was the strange man who had crawled out of the damaged car with a gun in his hand on the night of the accident . Mayi now entered her compound and headed for her house , all of a sudden her door burst open , Sam and the stranger emerged holding the girl . ' What do you think you are doing ' Mayi shouted . ' You are a betrayer , you said you didn 't have the girl ' Sam said dragging Carol who was struggling . ' Please … help me Mayi … don 't let them take me ' Susan ran from behind and got a hold of Carol 's waist , pulling her back . The strange man slapped her hard on the face , she fell back and started crying . ' How dare youPosted by Once there was a little girl called Maurine . Everyone called her Momo because it made her sound like a princess . She was a pretty little girl with long black hair that either fell neatly on her back or was held firmly in two pony tails . Her parents were well of so she always had on pretty dresses with cute Cinderella shoes . One afternoon after school , little Momo run to her mother who was in the kitchen preparing lunch . ' Mummy mummy , I need a pet for pet 's day at school ' Her mother smiled and bent to pat her daughter on the shoulder . ' Your teacher already called and told me about it . What would you like for a pet ? ' her mother asked . ' I want a puppy , the most beautiful puppy in the whole wide world ' Her mother laughed lightly , she sure had a proud daughter . ' You will go with your father after lunch to get one then ' ' Yeah ! ' Momo had exclaimed , jumping up and down with excitement . When Momo returned home that evening with her father , she held proudly in her arms a beautiful white puppy , small in size with a gold ring around its neck . She was so proud of her new pet . ' What will you call him ' her father asked . ' I will name him … Moz ' ' Moz ! ' her mother had said it again , laughing . ' Yes mummy , my puppy is called Moz … Mozzy , Mozzy , Mozzy ' little Momo had said , petting her little puppy . * ……………………… * The following morning as Momo walked to the bus with her new puppy , she saw a girl she had not seen before . She must have been among the new neighbors her mother had been talking about . The girl was a little taller than her . She had on a dress Momo thought was prettier than hers , shoes that glittered more than hers and long blond hair with lots of curls glittered beautifully on her head . In her hands the girl held the most beautiful puppy Momo had ever seen . It was twice the size of her little Mozzy and it had black and white stripes with a silver ring around its neck . Momo was upset . She had thought her little Mozzy was the cutest of them all . The new girl approached as Momo stared on . ' Hello ' the girl said with a smile on her face . Momo looked up at her , held her Mozzy closer , pushed her small nose in the air and matched into the bus without saying a word back . That afternoon Momo did not come home as excited as her mother had expected her to . ' How was your day my dear ? ' ' It was horrible mummy ' ' But why , did you not have pet 's day today ? ' ' Yes we did but that new girl next door came to my class and messed up everything ' ' But how ? ' ' She had the most beautiful puppy , better than mine , yet mine was the best … and her presentation was better than mine too ' Momos mother looked seriously at her daughter . ' Momo , if the trick you taught Mozzy was good enough and you put in a lot of effort , then you don 't need to be afraid of this new girls puppy . You do not have to be jealous . ' ' I want another puppy , one bigger than Mozzy ' Momo had shouted holding her tiny lips tightly together . ' I do not want you to act in such a bad way Momo . Simply because someone else 's thing looks bigger and more beautiful does not necessarily mean it is better than yours . Now get up stairs and change your clothes for lunch ' Momo matched up stairs to her room still upset . Her mother sounded right but she still did not like the idea of someone having something better than hers . The next evening as Momo walked to the back yard with Mozzy , she saw the new girl seated at their stairs and she looked like she was crying . Momo was tempted to pass right by her but she remembered what her mother always told her , never to pass a person who looked hurt and needed help . ' Are you ok ' little Momo asked the girl . The girl whose head was bent looked up at Momo with tears in her eyes . ' My puppy is lost ' she replied and tears welled up in her eyes again . ' But how , were did you last leave him ? ' Momo asked with care because of the pity she felt for the girl . ' I left Popi outside to get a ball in the house , when I came out again , she was gone ' Momo looked around , she wondered were the Popi had wondered off . ' I wish I had a puppy like yours , it 's so easy to control , and besides , it 's prettier than mine ' Momo was very surprised , how could this girl think her big beautiful puppy was no better than her tiny little Mozzy . ' Can you help me find her ' the girl asked ' Of course I will help you ' Momo sat next to the girl and placed her little hand on her chin thinking . ' Where would you go if you were a puppy ' Momo asked the girl . The girl sighed and rolled her small eyes thoughtfully . ' … I would go to a place … where there are lots of puppies and other kids to play … where would that be ' Momo thought seriously . ' That would be the … ooh , I know … I think Popi went to the park , that 's where lots of kids play with their pets , she must have followed some kids with their pets to the park down the street ! ' ' Lets go find her then ' the girl said with excitement . The two little girls ran very fast to the park down the street . It was not a long distance so they got there fast and started looking for Popi . ' Look , there she is ' the girl had shouted after a short while . Popi was playing with some kids . The two girls ran to her and the new girl carried Popi in her arms ' I was so worried ' she exclaimed with gladness in her voice . ' Am glad you have got your Popi ' Momo said toWhen she reached home , Momo told her mother the whole story of how she and her new friend were able to get Popi back . Her mother smiled as she bent to put Momo 's collar right . ' So you and Sheila are now friends ? ' her mother asked continuing with her washing . ' Yes , she likes Mozzy a lot ! ' ' And you don 't want a new puppy ? ' ' No , I love my little Mozzy , and besides , he 's as beautiful as Popi , they are all nice puppies ' ' Am glad you learnt that lesson . Now go up stairs and change for dinner , your father will be here soon . ' ' Ok mummy ' Momo replied . She hurried up the stairs excited with Mozzy close behind her . - THE END - A famous story is told of how a man went to heaven and met with Jesus . As the Lord showed him his life journey , the man saw that each path he had walked , two pairs of feet were moving . ' Whose other feet were those ? ' the man asked . ' They were mine ; I walked with you all your life . ' When they came to a point in the man 's life when he had lost his wife and confusion had taken over his life , there was only one pair of feet moving . ' But Lord ' the man exclaimed ' At my lowest moment in life , you abandoned me , I walked alone ! ' ' No my son , those were my feet , I carried you all the way , you were too weak to walk ' There is no moment in our lives that we shall not be faced with some fear or anxiety , the only difference is how you react or choose to handle it . Fear is often described as False Evidence Appearing Real . So yes , when you are anxious about something , it is a lie of the devil appearing real . The only real truth is that God is in control of everything that goes on in our lives and He 's able to move in every situation that is bothering you . The opposite of fear is faith . Don 't do the opposite of what God is telling you to do . The Bible says that without faith we cannot please God . In every bad situation you face , don 't cry out in fear , cry out in faith to God because that will move him . The Bible says that those who come to him must trust that he exists and rewards those who diligently seek him . Mathew 10 : 28 says that , don 't be afraid of those who kill the body but can 't kill the soul . Are you afraid of things or people who look like they have power and authority over you ? Don 't ! Because it 's actually God who controls the world , everything happens only when he lets it . Hebrews 13 : 5 , 6 says that be content because God has said that He will never leave us or forsake us , no man can do anything to you . Some times fears come because you compare yourself with other people and wanting what they have yet God has made you different . He will provide all our needs according to His glorious richjanetnamono . blogspot . com A short but wonderful story of a lonely orphan girl battered and mistreated by her stepmother . In her sea of misery , she pours out her heart filled with fear and hope to the only friend she knows , her diary . She struggles on her journey for a better life with her Aunt and completely has to trust God for everything to work out . The thought of waking up this cold morning made my body shiver from resentment . The thin old blanket had barely kept me warm throughout the stormy night . The sudden buzz of a vibrating phone shook me from my sleepy thoughts , I pulled the phone from under a pile of clothes I used as a pillow and intently looked at it . The light hurt my drowsy eyes ; it was six thirty am , if I did not wake up , mama would not be happy . I got out of bed , not because I wanted , but because I was afraid of what mama would do to me . I light a candle and dressed up for the day . As I sleepily dragged my self out of the room , I knocked my injured foot , the pain was unbearable . I had injured it when mama slapped me hard and I had slipped , knocking the source pan of porridge from the charcoal stove all over my foot . The burn was serious but she did not take me to the village clinic until the LC chairman had threatened to take the matter to the police . That had been three weeks ago . You can wonder how your own mother can do that , any how , she is not my real mother . My real mother died three years ago , by then I was in senior two . Her death really shook me . It was sudden and that made my aunt Sylvia suspect the use of witchcraft . My father married mama a year later . She was nice to me at first , bought me sweets and took me and her young son to school in her old Toyota car . Then papa started falling sick . Mama was very angry and bitter with him and I did not know why . Well , papa died last year and mama became very cruel to me . Whenever she is angry mama says papa killed my mother and is trying to kill her too . I had never understood the whole thing until Aunt Sylvia had clearly explained to me that both my mother and father had died of Aids . Mama stopped buying me sweets and taking me to school in her old Toyota car . She only takes her son who is now in primary six . I do all the work but I don 't go to school I feel terrible diary , all my friends are excelling and am here , rotting away at the hands of my mama . The only place she lets me go is chDear diary , 17 / October / 2002 Today has been amazing , that 's why I chose to speak to you . its been long hasn 't it ? . Anyway , today is Sunday , and I had to wake up early to attend the first service which is in English . By six am I had to be in the poultry , then to the cows and later to get firewood . Its hard work but my little stiff body is used to it now . Church was marvelous . Reverend spoke of Jesus second coming , I wished He would come a little sooner . After service , Reverend called me aside and gave me the best news of my life . I don 't think I ever told you of my Aunt Melissa , she is the sister to my mother who died . Well , after my parents died , Aunt Melissa had come to take me to live with her . Guess where diary , not in the village town , not even in the big city , but in the " states " as they called it . My aunt was willing to pay for everything , but mama had refused . She had lied to Aunt Melissa that she would take care of me and that I was the only reminder of my father to her , she had made such a big scene ! . If only Aunt Melissa had known that she only wanted to keep me as her maid ! A few months ago I wrote a letter to Aunt Melissa about my sad life . She had spoken to the LC chairman and begged him to " get me out of that house " . Somehow mama had won the battle as my rightful guardian . Reverend had assured me that they were processing some papers for me and soon , I would be with my Aunt . That was three months back . Today Reverend told me that the papers were done ! He handed them to me and made me promise to hide them far , because if mama saw them she would shred them to pieces . I was so excited diary . For the first time I could see light at the end of the tunnel , God was finally heeding to my cries . The Bible does say that He is the defender of widows and orphans . I had fixed them tight in my waist skirt when I entered the house after church . Mama was sitted with Paul taking breakfast ; they never go to church on Sundays . Mama looked very upset , she asked me why I was late . ' Am sorry am late mama , its just that … Reverend ' You know I told you that you should come straight home after church ' . Mama had shouted She did what I had expected without fail , she rushed up and slapped me twice as hard as I had expected . I staggered , holding a chair and then fell back . The papers fell but I hurriedly covered them and looked up at her , she had not seen them . Tears streamed down my face , but I didn 't make a sound . Why had she slapped me so hard ? , was it because I had put many tea leaves in the tea , come home late , or was it the light in my eyes that mysteriously annoyed her ? Paul looked at me , almost uncaringly and shook his head . I knew he didn 't like the way mama treated me , but I also knew that he did not bother himself about it . Mama locked me in my bed room , up to now . It 's nine pm , they must be taking supper . Am very hungry diary , but I don 't care , in a week I will be out of here . Within the papers there was a letter from Aunt Melissa . She put money and instructions on how to get to the city and then to the airport , I was to leave on 27 October very early in the morning and reach the airport before five pm for checking . Diary , am so excited , am so happy , I can 't stop thanking God . I have prayed over all the papers , passports and the money . I must be strong for this one week , and then I will be out of here . Am so happy I don 't think I will be able to get any sleep today . Today is the happiest day of my life . Good night . Moxie Dear diary , 21 / October / 2002 It 's been four days since I last spoke with you yet so much has happened . Mama searched my room and found out that I had a phone , thank God she didn 't find the papers . She had been so suspicious of my recent bravery and attitude . It seemed like my going away was evident to her . I had gone to the market when she searched my room . I returned very tired . She pulled me by my ears and pointed at the phone on the table . ' Where did you get this ? ' She had hissed . ' It , it … it 's my fathers ' I had stammered ' Of course I know it was your fathers ' , but how did you get it , didn 't I ask you about it when your father had just died and you said you didn 't know ? ' ' … am sorry mama … am so sorry ' I got the worst beating of my life . If the neighbors had not heeded to my frantic cries , mama would have killed me . She left me with a swollen eye , bleeding nose and broken tooth . In all misery diary , I just couldn 't help but thank God that she had not got those papers . I was very afraid . Before I closed up the house for the night I spoke to Stella , she 's my best friend . She whispered that she had seen mama go to the village clinic thrice this week . ' I think she 's very sick Moxie , she 's dieing and she wants to go down with you ' . My heart shuddered . Mama must be having Aids , poor woman , and she blamed everything on my deceased father and me . I have to be extra careful diary , if mama gets the papers , it will be the end of me going to stay with Aunt Melissa in the United States , the end of my hope for happiness . I feel pain all over my body , I must get some sleep . I know tomorrow mama might give me another beating if I don 't wake up early . Now that I don 't have my father 's phone , I must be careful to wake up on time . Good night diary . Moxie Today was simply … terrible . I passed out early in the morning when I reached the compound after walking two miles with a chunk of firewood on my heard . I awoke on the veranda were mama had pulled me to rest a little . She asked me if I was pregnant . I almost laughed but held back and told her no . It was hunger . ' Good , because I don 't want you to spoil the arrangements I 've made for you ' ' But mama , I don 't want to get married , am too young ! ' ' You will see your future husband today in the evening . The introduction ceremony will be very early in the morning on Monday , and then you will leave with him . ' ' You can 't be serious ! ' I had gasped in shock . ' Don 't be silly my dear , you are old enough ' ' Am not marrying anyone ' A hot and sound slap tainted my delicate cheeks , tears streamed down my face and I sobbed silently . Monday was the day I was to leave this miserable wretched home . If I didn 't leave , then I wouldn 't get another chance to escape . If only I would get to Reverend , he would help me out , he would even be able to stop the introduction ceremony . But mama had clearly told me that I was not to leave the house under any circumstances , church had even been cancelled ! As she sat there and hurled orders and insults , the little hope I had slowly started slipping away . I could never be able to escape from this house . I did meet my future husband . He was a short chubby man , very dark with a port belly , I felt so disgusted . Mama made me kneel before him and accept him . Paul stood and watched for some time , and then he rode off on his bicycle to go and play with his friends . I felt so hopeless . I don 't know how am going to get out of this mess diary . It seems like everything is going against me . I wonder if God 's plan has changed , or He 's forgotten . I don 't know diary , I feel so miserable . Let 's just wait and see , may be God will remember me , a poor helpless orphan … He is my defender , isn 't He ? Moxie I awoke very early today , I don 't know what time it was but I could not get any sleep the whole night . I packed some few clothes , you , and a couple of photos of my father and mother in a small bag that I had hanging across my shoulder . Then I went and checked the clock in the sitting room , it was five thirty am . When I went to get my papers , I couldn 't find them . I fell into a panic . Had I placed them some were else ? I checked everywhere but I couldn 't find them . Then all of a sudden , my bedroom door opened and I heard a familiar voice say , ' Looking for something … perhaps … this ' I stood and turned , there stood my evil mama , grinning from ear to ear , holding my precious papers , everything I needed to leave . I tried saying something but the words could not come out . ' You traitor , you want to leave now , eeh , you want to leave ' She had shouted . ' Mama , please , let me go … please ' I had pleaded . She dragged me to the sitting room and pushed me to the ground . I wondered what she was going to do to me . She paced up and down the room . ' Mama , please … ' ' You can 't force me to marry any one ' I had shouted out loud , all of a sudden in anger and desperation . She stopped , surprised , and looked at me horridly . ' So now you have the courage to shout at me girl ? ' ' Let me … ' Then , there was a sudden loud thud , mama 's large face turned pale and she fell face down at my feet . I looked down at her , shocked , and then up . Paul stood looking down uncaringly at his mother with an old frying pan in his hand . ' Well ' , he had said ' what are you waiting for , won 't you be late ? ' I stood up dazed , and then fumbled quickly with the papers . ' Here ' he said handing me a small piece of paper ' just a list of things you can get me incase you ever come back ' I nodded as I received it . ' Mama has her issues , but I think you are a good person ' he had said quietly . That was the most sensible thing I had ever heard him say . Who would think that Paul was so … sensitive ? I was about to pat him on the shoulder when mama 's groans of pain shrieked me . I ran diary , as fast as my little feet could carry me , with my papers in my hand and my small bag hanging on my shoulder . By the time I reached the village town , there was some light that was overriding the dark clouds . I bought some slippers since I had run barefooted . God did come through for me diary . I was over joyed when I entered the bus to the city . I asked the driver how long it would take , he told me four hours before we reached the city . By then it was almost seven am . We have not yet reached the city but I sure pray we make it on time . Moxie Dear diary , 28 / octoer / 2002 You will not believe how hard everything turned out to be . We reached the city at midday because of the heavy rain and traffic , I had never seen one but it was really long . In the city I bought something to eat and then started to look for a car to take me to Entebbe town . I must have spent an hour looking until I had to ask for help . A man directed me and I got a taxi . There was heavy traffic again before I reached Entebbe town and just before that , the taxi was stopped by the police . It was a faulty taxi and they had no insurance . By then it was four pm . By the time I reached Entebbe town , it was fifteen past four . I had to get motorcycle man to take me straight to the air port . Thank God Aunt Melissa had sent me enough money . At the airport every one looked at me like a lost sheep . The woman critically examined my papers , she looked at me from head to toe , I definitely did not look like a first class traveler . I was one anyway and I didn 't care diary . I should have spoken to you in the plane but I was so excited , and there was a shifting to another plane that made it hard too . The journey was long and when the plane finally landed , I was overjoyed . I stood in the bustle of white and black sophiscated people moving so fast . I got a little scared wondering if Aunt Melissa had forgotten about me . I looked frantically around , and then I saw Aunt Melissa . She looked so much like my mother . When Aunt Melissa saw me , she had that worried expression my mother used to have whenever she saw me tired from school . For a moment I didn 't know what to do , either to run and hug her or to wait for her to come to me . She hurried to me and hugged me . It felt so good , it had been forever since I had received a genuine hug . She looked at me and her eyes were almost darkened with sadness . ' What has that woman been doing to you ? ' I shook my head and opened my mouth to say something but tears swelled up in my eyes . ' No one will ever hurt you again , ok ? ' I nodded and cleared the warm tears that slowly slid down my cheeks . She held my hand and we walked off to her car . Everyone here is kind to me . I have my own room , my own phone , and soon I will start school . I can 't stop thanking God . I would never have imagined in all my distress that He would bring me this far . Aunt Melissa says tomorrow we shall speak to Reverend on phone , to let him know I reached safely . Well diary , am tired now , Aunt Melissa says I should go to bed early because I need to get some sleep . I pray for Paul , for God to bless him . I read his list diary and it had a camera , a motorbike and a computer ! That boy is crazy . I told Aunt how I managed to escape and she said she would do something for him . His mother is dieing and he will need the help after her death . You diary have been such a good friend , you are really special to me , next to God of course . Good night my good friend . Moxie |
WHEN TWO WORLDS MEET Carol entered her room and slowly closed the door behind her , it had been a long day and she felt exhausted . She threw off her flat shoes and her feet felt soothed when she stepped on her velvet carpet . Carol felt her phone vibrate in her pocket jeans as she fell on her huge luxurious bed . She pulled it out and before she could answer , it stopped calling . She jeered when she saw that the number calling was unfamiliar . Leaning over , she pulled the telephone from her side table and dialed the number . It called for a long time and when it was picked , all she could hear was clicking bottles and noises in the background . ' Hello … hello … ' No one spoke back . She banged back the receiver and placed the phone back on the table . This usually happened , so it did not bother her much . Her bedroom door opened and an elderly woman peeped in . ' Carol dear , have you taken supper yet ? ' ' Yes mum ' ' You should have waited up for your dad and I ' ' Am sorry , am just really tired ' ' It 's ok . Did you go to church ? ' Carol sighed and shook her head . ' Next time then , three Sundays in arrow , you should come for Bible study on Wednesday ' ' Ya ' ' Goodnight dear ' ' Goodnight mum ' The door closed slowly behind Mrs . Mwambu . Carol leaned heavily on her pillow . She had intended to pray but well , as usual she had over slept . She woke up at eleven am and immediately received a phone call from Sheila to go out for swimming . She had accepted of course . Carol felt empty all of a sudden . She grabbed her Bible that lay below her pillow and opened it . Mrs . Mwambu looked intently at her husband as they had supper . She felt a little anxious of to ask him but she knew she had to , although his reaction would be bad . ' Has Carol taken supper ? ' he asked all of a sudden , startling her from her thoughts . ' Yes ' she answered , taking a sip on her juice and getting a hold of her fork again . ' Is it true ? ' she abruptly asked him . ' What is true ? ' Mr . Mwambu replied her with a question . ' What they are saying in the news … and in the papers , that you took a huge sum of money and are about to evict poor settlers from some piece of land ' He leaned back as though he had expected this kind of questioning . ' Do you really think I did it ? ' ' Explain to me the building of the house in Munyonyo , the shares in Bank of Uganda … ' ' The company in Kenya made some very good profits ' ' I thought you had sold it . ' ' I sold half of it to a very hard working and creative man ' She shook her head . ' Trust me my dear , I might be a minister in today 's government but am not a thief like the rest of the Ministers . I did not take any money and am not evicting anyone from any piece of land . ' He sighed again , completed the juice in his glass and excused himself from the table . Mrs . Mwambu was worried . She knew her husband like the back of her palm . He was definitely lying . He had embezzled that money and he was evicting helpless people from land . She said a short desperate prayer . This time she knew they would get him and he would pay dearly . She had to get a private detective to handle this for her , quickly . She imagined it was the heat that had woken her from her sleep . As she turned uncomfortably in her bed , Carol realized she had had a terrible nightmare . A faint noise made her open her eyes and look around her large bedroom . A cold breeze brushed against her skin and she turned towards her window . Her heart pounded when she saw her curtain open and a dark figure come through it . She sat up in shock as she watched it jump on the floor and head for her . Carol opened her mouth to scream but terror made her skip out of her bed to escape the stranger . The figure grabbed her and placed a wet cloth over her nose . Everything dazed and then there was darkness . * * Mayi dragged her self through the dark plantation . It was cold and dark but she did not care , she was simply filled with misery . A sudden rush of a harsh wind made her shudder from coldness . Her mind was filled with all sorts of thoughts but one was persistent , she had lost her little girl Sera and it hurt her so bad . Why ? Had God abandoned them or had he forgotten ? She had prayed so hard , the whole church had prayed , but little Sera had died . The nurses in the small town had taken their time in examining her baby because Mayi did not have money . They said the child had a brain problem and that she had to travel to Kampala for more medical check ups . Mayi did not even have the money to travel . One morning little Sera cried continuously . Mayi rushed her to the hospital but the little girl had died while the nurses where checking her . Mayi stopped as these thoughts rushed through her mind . She felt the pain in her heart would chock her . The thought of the first time she had seen little Sera 's dead body , a thin two year old pale body , drenched in pain and uncertainty haunted her . She imagined the little girl expressing her disappointment to God for giving her Mayi as her mother . Mayi walked off a little distance , the garden was so familiar , she had gone through it a dozen times . As she moved closer to her destination her heart beat faster , she was anxious of what she * * Carol awoke with difficulty , although she was not sure of what was going on , she some how knew it was not a good thing . As she struggled to open her drowsy eyes , Carol realized her whole body was in pain and her arm was firmly held . She looked beside her and saw a strange man , dark and thin with a clearly unshaven beard , he had a cigarette in his mouth . The strange man held Carol with one arm and the other something that looked like a gun . ' Jesus ' she cried out in fear , it dawned on her now that she had been kidnapped . The strange man looked at her lazily and then away . ' She 's awake boss ' he said to the man driving the car they were in . Carol looked outside the window , it was dark , she had no idea were she was . Afraid , she said a quiet prayer and tried to think of what to do . ' Take me back home ' she said out loud suddenly ' Shut up ' ' You are going to be in trouble , my father … ' ' Your father is a thief ! ' the boss had shouted ' My father is no thief , you are the thieves , you will be charged with kidnap ' ' Shut that kid up Mwemba ' ' Keep quiet ' the strange man ordered Carol pushing her head with his huge arm . She looked at the door next to him , it was open , she could actually push him out . A phone rang , it was for the boss , he answered it . Carol quickly stretched out her free hand and with all her might pulled and pushed the door open . The strange man shouted and waved his gun at Carol . The boss who was on the phone out of surprise lost control and the car went on swaying from one side to another . Carol tried pushing the strange man out , he turned his gun and pointed it at her . As Mayi lifted the knife up and directed it to her belly , a heavy thud followed by a loud noise that almost sounded like an explosion shook her . The knife in her hand fell and she stood up looking around , she wondered what in the world that was . The first sounded like a collision and the second a gun gone off . If there had been a collision of a vehicle on a tree , then it had to be on the left side of the garden that is where her husband had planted the avocado tree . She rushed there . In the increasing rain , the car looked shattered . Mayi hurried closer and peeped inside , She could see a girl and a man at the back seat , at the front she saw a man whose head lay helplessly an the steer wheel . The girl moved , Mayi was confused but she still pulled the door open . The girl looked up at her , blood was oozing from her fore head . ' Help … help me … I 've been kidnapped … ' the girl said almost in a murmur ' What ? ' ' Get me out of here … please … ' Mayi held her hand and tried pulling her out . ' My leg is stuck ' the girl said looking to be in more pain . ' Let me go get help ' Mayi said after realizing she could not do this on her own . ' No … please don 't leave me , don 't you understand … I have been kidnapped … here , try pulling me out again ' the girl said giving Mayi her hand again . Mayi held the girl 's hand and pulled , finally she was able to come out of the car . ' Are you alright ? ' Mayi asked with concern . ' We have to call the police … these men … ' ' Stop , where do you think you are going ' a brutal sound had interrupted the girl . The two Women turned towards the car , a strange man was crawling out of the shattered car with a gun in his hand , his face was covered with blood . ' Let 's get out of here ' Mayi shouted . She grabbed the weak girls arm and they started running . The flash of lightening and increasing thunder ushered in a heavy down pour and the two women ran as fast as they could with the sound of bullets that missed them narrowly going off in the air . Mrs . Mwambu sat with a police officer explaining to her what had happened . The house was full of police constables and Mr . Mwambu stood in the dining speaking on the phone . ' Why would anyone want to harm my precious child ' Mr . Mwambu said , clearing the tears that continuously drenched her face . ' We shall find her madam ' the police man assured her . ' Please , please try your level best ' * * As Carol lay in the strange unfamiliar bed , her heart was heavy with worry . Worry of were she was , if her parents would find her and how . Her whole body especially the forehead hurt . She opened her eyes slightly and looked around the small room . It had chairs and saucepans in the corner , shoes , a basin … she wandered how this lady survived in this one roomed small house . Mayi who was outside came in and stood beside Carol . She bent over and felt her temperature by her forehead . ' I should take you to the hospital ' Carol opened her mouth to tell her to call the police but she choked and the lady hurried to get her a cup of water . As Mayi hurried back , she saw two men coming towards her house . She knew them but with the circumstances she was in , she somehow knew they were up to no good . She put the cup down and hurried to the girl . ' Don 't make a single sound ' she whispered to her and covered her face . There was a knock on the door and Mayi hurried to meet her visitors . ' How are you Mayi ' one of the men greeted ' Am fine Sam , Peter , how are you , to what do I owe this early visit ? ' ' We are looking for some one … a girl ' ' A girl ' Mayi repeated , as if to make sure she heard well . ' A young girl ' Peter said again . ' But for what ? ' ' It 's a complicated issue ; we have been given some information that you have a girl in this house . ' Mayi 's heart pounded . ' What ? The only girl I have in this house is Susan , my sister 's daughter . You know her don 't you ? ' ' Of course … but … ' ' Why are you looking for this girl ? ' Mayi asked quickly , to change the topic . ' That girl ' Sam said lowering his voice ' is the key to ending our misery , they may not have to vacate us if we get a hold of her . ' Mayi nodded thinking through it quickly . If she handed the girl over , they would not evict her from her place . But the whole situation seemed hazy , like something was wrong some where . ' Have you seen her anywhere , perhaps ' Peter asked Mayi . ' No ' Mayi replied out loud . She knew they wouMr . and Mrs . Mwambu sat in the sitting room . Questions had been asked and a search had been on since the night of Carol 's disappearance . An enormous phone call was made , the kidnappers wanted Mr . Mwambu to withdraw his eviction order of the Tembabule land and a token of a million dollars for putting the tenants on tension , and then his daughter would be released . He had two days to do this or else he would never set his eyes on his daughter again . Mrs . Mwambu was in panic , Mr . Mwambu was in rage . How dare they kidnap his daughter . If they dared to harm her , he would destroy every single person involved in the land , whether innocent or guilty . Investigations were on going and the tension was high . Then came another phone call at midday . A lady calling from Tembabule claiming that she had Carol , that some men had tried to kidnap her but they had escaped together . She gave them the directions . ' Let 's go now ' Mr . Mwambu said , impatient to get back his daughter . * * Mayi hurried back after she had made the call , she prayed hard that the girl was still there and safe . As she headed for the market , Mayi had seen Sam and Peter , they stood with a stranger . She had wondered were she had seen him . Mayi only recalled when the shop attendant dialed the number the girl had given her , her steps fastened when she realized that the girl could actually be in danger . The stranger that stood with Peter and Sam was the strange man who had crawled out of the damaged car with a gun in his hand on the night of the accident . Mayi now entered her compound and headed for her house , all of a sudden her door burst open , Sam and the stranger emerged holding the girl . ' What do you think you are doing ' Mayi shouted . ' You are a betrayer , you said you didn 't have the girl ' Sam said dragging Carol who was struggling . ' Please … help me Mayi … don 't let them take me ' Susan ran from behind and got a hold of Carol 's waist , pulling her back . The strange man slapped her hard on the face , she fell back and started crying . ' How dare youPosted by Once there was a little girl called Maurine . Everyone called her Momo because it made her sound like a princess . She was a pretty little girl with long black hair that either fell neatly on her back or was held firmly in two pony tails . Her parents were well of so she always had on pretty dresses with cute Cinderella shoes . One afternoon after school , little Momo run to her mother who was in the kitchen preparing lunch . ' Mummy mummy , I need a pet for pet 's day at school ' Her mother smiled and bent to pat her daughter on the shoulder . ' Your teacher already called and told me about it . What would you like for a pet ? ' her mother asked . ' I want a puppy , the most beautiful puppy in the whole wide world ' Her mother laughed lightly , she sure had a proud daughter . ' You will go with your father after lunch to get one then ' ' Yeah ! ' Momo had exclaimed , jumping up and down with excitement . When Momo returned home that evening with her father , she held proudly in her arms a beautiful white puppy , small in size with a gold ring around its neck . She was so proud of her new pet . ' What will you call him ' her father asked . ' I will name him … Moz ' ' Moz ! ' her mother had said it again , laughing . ' Yes mummy , my puppy is called Moz … Mozzy , Mozzy , Mozzy ' little Momo had said , petting her little puppy . * ……………………… * The following morning as Momo walked to the bus with her new puppy , she saw a girl she had not seen before . She must have been among the new neighbors her mother had been talking about . The girl was a little taller than her . She had on a dress Momo thought was prettier than hers , shoes that glittered more than hers and long blond hair with lots of curls glittered beautifully on her head . In her hands the girl held the most beautiful puppy Momo had ever seen . It was twice the size of her little Mozzy and it had black and white stripes with a silver ring around its neck . Momo was upset . She had thought her little Mozzy was the cutest of them all . The new girl approached as Momo stared on . ' Hello ' the girl said with a smile on her face . Momo looked up at her , held her Mozzy closer , pushed her small nose in the air and matched into the bus without saying a word back . That afternoon Momo did not come home as excited as her mother had expected her to . ' How was your day my dear ? ' ' It was horrible mummy ' ' But why , did you not have pet 's day today ? ' ' Yes we did but that new girl next door came to my class and messed up everything ' ' But how ? ' ' She had the most beautiful puppy , better than mine , yet mine was the best … and her presentation was better than mine too ' Momos mother looked seriously at her daughter . ' Momo , if the trick you taught Mozzy was good enough and you put in a lot of effort , then you don 't need to be afraid of this new girls puppy . You do not have to be jealous . ' ' I want another puppy , one bigger than Mozzy ' Momo had shouted holding her tiny lips tightly together . ' I do not want you to act in such a bad way Momo . Simply because someone else 's thing looks bigger and more beautiful does not necessarily mean it is better than yours . Now get up stairs and change your clothes for lunch ' Momo matched up stairs to her room still upset . Her mother sounded right but she still did not like the idea of someone having something better than hers . The next evening as Momo walked to the back yard with Mozzy , she saw the new girl seated at their stairs and she looked like she was crying . Momo was tempted to pass right by her but she remembered what her mother always told her , never to pass a person who looked hurt and needed help . ' Are you ok ' little Momo asked the girl . The girl whose head was bent looked up at Momo with tears in her eyes . ' My puppy is lost ' she replied and tears welled up in her eyes again . ' But how , were did you last leave him ? ' Momo asked with care because of the pity she felt for the girl . ' I left Popi outside to get a ball in the house , when I came out again , she was gone ' Momo looked around , she wondered were the Popi had wondered off . ' I wish I had a puppy like yours , it 's so easy to control , and besides , it 's prettier than mine ' Momo was very surprised , how could this girl think her big beautiful puppy was no better than her tiny little Mozzy . ' Can you help me find her ' the girl asked ' Of course I will help you ' Momo sat next to the girl and placed her little hand on her chin thinking . ' Where would you go if you were a puppy ' Momo asked the girl . The girl sighed and rolled her small eyes thoughtfully . ' … I would go to a place … where there are lots of puppies and other kids to play … where would that be ' Momo thought seriously . ' That would be the … ooh , I know … I think Popi went to the park , that 's where lots of kids play with their pets , she must have followed some kids with their pets to the park down the street ! ' ' Lets go find her then ' the girl said with excitement . The two little girls ran very fast to the park down the street . It was not a long distance so they got there fast and started looking for Popi . ' Look , there she is ' the girl had shouted after a short while . Popi was playing with some kids . The two girls ran to her and the new girl carried Popi in her arms ' I was so worried ' she exclaimed with gladness in her voice . ' Am glad you have got your Popi ' Momo said toWhen she reached home , Momo told her mother the whole story of how she and her new friend were able to get Popi back . Her mother smiled as she bent to put Momo 's collar right . ' So you and Sheila are now friends ? ' her mother asked continuing with her washing . ' Yes , she likes Mozzy a lot ! ' ' And you don 't want a new puppy ? ' ' No , I love my little Mozzy , and besides , he 's as beautiful as Popi , they are all nice puppies ' ' Am glad you learnt that lesson . Now go up stairs and change for dinner , your father will be here soon . ' ' Ok mummy ' Momo replied . She hurried up the stairs excited with Mozzy close behind her . - THE END - A famous story is told of how a man went to heaven and met with Jesus . As the Lord showed him his life journey , the man saw that each path he had walked , two pairs of feet were moving . ' Whose other feet were those ? ' the man asked . ' They were mine ; I walked with you all your life . ' When they came to a point in the man 's life when he had lost his wife and confusion had taken over his life , there was only one pair of feet moving . ' But Lord ' the man exclaimed ' At my lowest moment in life , you abandoned me , I walked alone ! ' ' No my son , those were my feet , I carried you all the way , you were too weak to walk ' There is no moment in our lives that we shall not be faced with some fear or anxiety , the only difference is how you react or choose to handle it . Fear is often described as False Evidence Appearing Real . So yes , when you are anxious about something , it is a lie of the devil appearing real . The only real truth is that God is in control of everything that goes on in our lives and He 's able to move in every situation that is bothering you . The opposite of fear is faith . Don 't do the opposite of what God is telling you to do . The Bible says that without faith we cannot please God . In every bad situation you face , don 't cry out in fear , cry out in faith to God because that will move him . The Bible says that those who come to him must trust that he exists and rewards those who diligently seek him . Mathew 10 : 28 says that , don 't be afraid of those who kill the body but can 't kill the soul . Are you afraid of things or people who look like they have power and authority over you ? Don 't ! Because it 's actually God who controls the world , everything happens only when he lets it . Hebrews 13 : 5 , 6 says that be content because God has said that He will never leave us or forsake us , no man can do anything to you . Some times fears come because you compare yourself with other people and wanting what they have yet God has made you different . He will provide all our needs according to His glorious richjanetnamono . blogspot . com A short but wonderful story of a lonely orphan girl battered and mistreated by her stepmother . In her sea of misery , she pours out her heart filled with fear and hope to the only friend she knows , her diary . She struggles on her journey for a better life with her Aunt and completely has to trust God for everything to work out . The thought of waking up this cold morning made my body shiver from resentment . The thin old blanket had barely kept me warm throughout the stormy night . The sudden buzz of a vibrating phone shook me from my sleepy thoughts , I pulled the phone from under a pile of clothes I used as a pillow and intently looked at it . The light hurt my drowsy eyes ; it was six thirty am , if I did not wake up , mama would not be happy . I got out of bed , not because I wanted , but because I was afraid of what mama would do to me . I light a candle and dressed up for the day . As I sleepily dragged my self out of the room , I knocked my injured foot , the pain was unbearable . I had injured it when mama slapped me hard and I had slipped , knocking the source pan of porridge from the charcoal stove all over my foot . The burn was serious but she did not take me to the village clinic until the LC chairman had threatened to take the matter to the police . That had been three weeks ago . You can wonder how your own mother can do that , any how , she is not my real mother . My real mother died three years ago , by then I was in senior two . Her death really shook me . It was sudden and that made my aunt Sylvia suspect the use of witchcraft . My father married mama a year later . She was nice to me at first , bought me sweets and took me and her young son to school in her old Toyota car . Then papa started falling sick . Mama was very angry and bitter with him and I did not know why . Well , papa died last year and mama became very cruel to me . Whenever she is angry mama says papa killed my mother and is trying to kill her too . I had never understood the whole thing until Aunt Sylvia had clearly explained to me that both my mother and father had died of Aids . Mama stopped buying me sweets and taking me to school in her old Toyota car . She only takes her son who is now in primary six . I do all the work but I don 't go to school I feel terrible diary , all my friends are excelling and am here , rotting away at the hands of my mama . The only place she lets me go is chDear diary , 17 / October / 2002 Today has been amazing , that 's why I chose to speak to you . its been long hasn 't it ? . Anyway , today is Sunday , and I had to wake up early to attend the first service which is in English . By six am I had to be in the poultry , then to the cows and later to get firewood . Its hard work but my little stiff body is used to it now . Church was marvelous . Reverend spoke of Jesus second coming , I wished He would come a little sooner . After service , Reverend called me aside and gave me the best news of my life . I don 't think I ever told you of my Aunt Melissa , she is the sister to my mother who died . Well , after my parents died , Aunt Melissa had come to take me to live with her . Guess where diary , not in the village town , not even in the big city , but in the " states " as they called it . My aunt was willing to pay for everything , but mama had refused . She had lied to Aunt Melissa that she would take care of me and that I was the only reminder of my father to her , she had made such a big scene ! . If only Aunt Melissa had known that she only wanted to keep me as her maid ! A few months ago I wrote a letter to Aunt Melissa about my sad life . She had spoken to the LC chairman and begged him to " get me out of that house " . Somehow mama had won the battle as my rightful guardian . Reverend had assured me that they were processing some papers for me and soon , I would be with my Aunt . That was three months back . Today Reverend told me that the papers were done ! He handed them to me and made me promise to hide them far , because if mama saw them she would shred them to pieces . I was so excited diary . For the first time I could see light at the end of the tunnel , God was finally heeding to my cries . The Bible does say that He is the defender of widows and orphans . I had fixed them tight in my waist skirt when I entered the house after church . Mama was sitted with Paul taking breakfast ; they never go to church on Sundays . Mama looked very upset , she asked me why I was late . ' Am sorry am late mama , its just that … Reverend ' You know I told you that you should come straight home after church ' . Mama had shouted She did what I had expected without fail , she rushed up and slapped me twice as hard as I had expected . I staggered , holding a chair and then fell back . The papers fell but I hurriedly covered them and looked up at her , she had not seen them . Tears streamed down my face , but I didn 't make a sound . Why had she slapped me so hard ? , was it because I had put many tea leaves in the tea , come home late , or was it the light in my eyes that mysteriously annoyed her ? Paul looked at me , almost uncaringly and shook his head . I knew he didn 't like the way mama treated me , but I also knew that he did not bother himself about it . Mama locked me in my bed room , up to now . It 's nine pm , they must be taking supper . Am very hungry diary , but I don 't care , in a week I will be out of here . Within the papers there was a letter from Aunt Melissa . She put money and instructions on how to get to the city and then to the airport , I was to leave on 27 October very early in the morning and reach the airport before five pm for checking . Diary , am so excited , am so happy , I can 't stop thanking God . I have prayed over all the papers , passports and the money . I must be strong for this one week , and then I will be out of here . Am so happy I don 't think I will be able to get any sleep today . Today is the happiest day of my life . Good night . Moxie Dear diary , 21 / October / 2002 It 's been four days since I last spoke with you yet so much has happened . Mama searched my room and found out that I had a phone , thank God she didn 't find the papers . She had been so suspicious of my recent bravery and attitude . It seemed like my going away was evident to her . I had gone to the market when she searched my room . I returned very tired . She pulled me by my ears and pointed at the phone on the table . ' Where did you get this ? ' She had hissed . ' It , it … it 's my fathers ' I had stammered ' Of course I know it was your fathers ' , but how did you get it , didn 't I ask you about it when your father had just died and you said you didn 't know ? ' ' … am sorry mama … am so sorry ' I got the worst beating of my life . If the neighbors had not heeded to my frantic cries , mama would have killed me . She left me with a swollen eye , bleeding nose and broken tooth . In all misery diary , I just couldn 't help but thank God that she had not got those papers . I was very afraid . Before I closed up the house for the night I spoke to Stella , she 's my best friend . She whispered that she had seen mama go to the village clinic thrice this week . ' I think she 's very sick Moxie , she 's dieing and she wants to go down with you ' . My heart shuddered . Mama must be having Aids , poor woman , and she blamed everything on my deceased father and me . I have to be extra careful diary , if mama gets the papers , it will be the end of me going to stay with Aunt Melissa in the United States , the end of my hope for happiness . I feel pain all over my body , I must get some sleep . I know tomorrow mama might give me another beating if I don 't wake up early . Now that I don 't have my father 's phone , I must be careful to wake up on time . Good night diary . Moxie Today was simply … terrible . I passed out early in the morning when I reached the compound after walking two miles with a chunk of firewood on my heard . I awoke on the veranda were mama had pulled me to rest a little . She asked me if I was pregnant . I almost laughed but held back and told her no . It was hunger . ' Good , because I don 't want you to spoil the arrangements I 've made for you ' ' But mama , I don 't want to get married , am too young ! ' ' You will see your future husband today in the evening . The introduction ceremony will be very early in the morning on Monday , and then you will leave with him . ' ' You can 't be serious ! ' I had gasped in shock . ' Don 't be silly my dear , you are old enough ' ' Am not marrying anyone ' A hot and sound slap tainted my delicate cheeks , tears streamed down my face and I sobbed silently . Monday was the day I was to leave this miserable wretched home . If I didn 't leave , then I wouldn 't get another chance to escape . If only I would get to Reverend , he would help me out , he would even be able to stop the introduction ceremony . But mama had clearly told me that I was not to leave the house under any circumstances , church had even been cancelled ! As she sat there and hurled orders and insults , the little hope I had slowly started slipping away . I could never be able to escape from this house . I did meet my future husband . He was a short chubby man , very dark with a port belly , I felt so disgusted . Mama made me kneel before him and accept him . Paul stood and watched for some time , and then he rode off on his bicycle to go and play with his friends . I felt so hopeless . I don 't know how am going to get out of this mess diary . It seems like everything is going against me . I wonder if God 's plan has changed , or He 's forgotten . I don 't know diary , I feel so miserable . Let 's just wait and see , may be God will remember me , a poor helpless orphan … He is my defender , isn 't He ? Moxie I awoke very early today , I don 't know what time it was but I could not get any sleep the whole night . I packed some few clothes , you , and a couple of photos of my father and mother in a small bag that I had hanging across my shoulder . Then I went and checked the clock in the sitting room , it was five thirty am . When I went to get my papers , I couldn 't find them . I fell into a panic . Had I placed them some were else ? I checked everywhere but I couldn 't find them . Then all of a sudden , my bedroom door opened and I heard a familiar voice say , ' Looking for something … perhaps … this ' I stood and turned , there stood my evil mama , grinning from ear to ear , holding my precious papers , everything I needed to leave . I tried saying something but the words could not come out . ' You traitor , you want to leave now , eeh , you want to leave ' She had shouted . ' Mama , please , let me go … please ' I had pleaded . She dragged me to the sitting room and pushed me to the ground . I wondered what she was going to do to me . She paced up and down the room . ' Mama , please … ' ' You can 't force me to marry any one ' I had shouted out loud , all of a sudden in anger and desperation . She stopped , surprised , and looked at me horridly . ' So now you have the courage to shout at me girl ? ' ' Let me … ' Then , there was a sudden loud thud , mama 's large face turned pale and she fell face down at my feet . I looked down at her , shocked , and then up . Paul stood looking down uncaringly at his mother with an old frying pan in his hand . ' Well ' , he had said ' what are you waiting for , won 't you be late ? ' I stood up dazed , and then fumbled quickly with the papers . ' Here ' he said handing me a small piece of paper ' just a list of things you can get me incase you ever come back ' I nodded as I received it . ' Mama has her issues , but I think you are a good person ' he had said quietly . That was the most sensible thing I had ever heard him say . Who would think that Paul was so … sensitive ? I was about to pat him on the shoulder when mama 's groans of pain shrieked me . I ran diary , as fast as my little feet could carry me , with my papers in my hand and my small bag hanging on my shoulder . By the time I reached the village town , there was some light that was overriding the dark clouds . I bought some slippers since I had run barefooted . God did come through for me diary . I was over joyed when I entered the bus to the city . I asked the driver how long it would take , he told me four hours before we reached the city . By then it was almost seven am . We have not yet reached the city but I sure pray we make it on time . Moxie Dear diary , 28 / octoer / 2002 You will not believe how hard everything turned out to be . We reached the city at midday because of the heavy rain and traffic , I had never seen one but it was really long . In the city I bought something to eat and then started to look for a car to take me to Entebbe town . I must have spent an hour looking until I had to ask for help . A man directed me and I got a taxi . There was heavy traffic again before I reached Entebbe town and just before that , the taxi was stopped by the police . It was a faulty taxi and they had no insurance . By then it was four pm . By the time I reached Entebbe town , it was fifteen past four . I had to get motorcycle man to take me straight to the air port . Thank God Aunt Melissa had sent me enough money . At the airport every one looked at me like a lost sheep . The woman critically examined my papers , she looked at me from head to toe , I definitely did not look like a first class traveler . I was one anyway and I didn 't care diary . I should have spoken to you in the plane but I was so excited , and there was a shifting to another plane that made it hard too . The journey was long and when the plane finally landed , I was overjoyed . I stood in the bustle of white and black sophiscated people moving so fast . I got a little scared wondering if Aunt Melissa had forgotten about me . I looked frantically around , and then I saw Aunt Melissa . She looked so much like my mother . When Aunt Melissa saw me , she had that worried expression my mother used to have whenever she saw me tired from school . For a moment I didn 't know what to do , either to run and hug her or to wait for her to come to me . She hurried to me and hugged me . It felt so good , it had been forever since I had received a genuine hug . She looked at me and her eyes were almost darkened with sadness . ' What has that woman been doing to you ? ' I shook my head and opened my mouth to say something but tears swelled up in my eyes . ' No one will ever hurt you again , ok ? ' I nodded and cleared the warm tears that slowly slid down my cheeks . She held my hand and we walked off to her car . Everyone here is kind to me . I have my own room , my own phone , and soon I will start school . I can 't stop thanking God . I would never have imagined in all my distress that He would bring me this far . Aunt Melissa says tomorrow we shall speak to Reverend on phone , to let him know I reached safely . Well diary , am tired now , Aunt Melissa says I should go to bed early because I need to get some sleep . I pray for Paul , for God to bless him . I read his list diary and it had a camera , a motorbike and a computer ! That boy is crazy . I told Aunt how I managed to escape and she said she would do something for him . His mother is dieing and he will need the help after her death . You diary have been such a good friend , you are really special to me , next to God of course . Good night my good friend . Moxie |
Stephanie was the first to arrive . I was running with her for the first time . She was so nice and I hope we run with her again . I am going to see if she wants to join in on my Monday morning runs with Mary . I think the three of us will be good together . Once Michael arrived and he gathered his stuff , we were off . As you know by now , I live at the bottom of hill . I tried running up it on my Sunday run , but was soon out of breath . Since this is the beginning of the run and I was not 100 % better , we walked up most of it . It was too early in the run to mess around . Once we were on 1A , we hit a pretty good pace and the conversation was good . Mike and Stephanie knew some of the same people , which is such a Rhode Island thing . Just made me laugh listening to it all . Stephanie said she was good for 4 - 5 miles . There is a little bridge 4 1 / 2 miles from my house which was a good spot for Lori to park and pick up Stephanie . She was there right on time . We grabbed some water , I thanked Stephanie for running with me and we said our goodbyes . Mike and I were then on our way to meet my friend Jenn at the beach . She said she was good for 6 or so . I wanted to run in some different places . Now , obviously I live here and know the streets but I haven 't run on all of them . I asked if everyone was good with running to the Point Judith Light House and then head back . Everyone was on board . For the most part , the run was good . It was nice to have such good company and Jenn and Mike were both very motivating . Getting close to the light house though , my calves and hamstrings were tightening up . At the light house , I stretched a bit and we snapped a pic . The wind on this stretch of road was not good though . It really bothered me . When we hit 15 miles , I was thrilled and might of gotten a little teary . I needed to walk here though . Not much , but it felt good . When we saw Lori this next time , I couldn 't say hi to her . I used my inhaler and felt better . Had some gatorade and refilled my water . The next time we would see her would be at mile 20 . BTW , Jenn was still with us . She felt good and kept on running . She is a great runner and friend . I was so happy to have her stay with us . These last five miles were the toughest for me . I was slow and wanted to be done ! Everyone was so encouraging and they literally kept me going at this point . When we hit 18 miles , we were at Jenn 's car . I asked if she was stopping but she said no . She wasn 't leaving us this close to the end . Awesome ! It was the last mile , I was feeling so many different emotions . I hurt , but I was happy . I started to tear up and then I couldn 't breath . We were at 19 . 5 miles . I needed my inhaler and quick . I actually struggled to get it out of my pocket and then it took 3 tries before I got it in . It was a little scary not just for me . I may have freaked out Jenn and Mike . They were calm though . Had to walk here once I was breathing again . but I was determined to finish running . Once I was able to run again , we did and I ran until my Garmin hit 20 . 00 and I stopped ! I cried and hugged everyone . I was so thrilled . We walked it off a bit and stretched . Lori picked us up and drove Mike and I back to my house . Mike and I ran all 20 , Stephanie ran with us for 4 1 / 2 and Jenn , who set out for 6 ran 14 miles ! I have some rockstar running friends for sure ! We finished under four hours too ! The car ride was tough . My legs felt like they were still moving and hurt . I wanted to rip them off . Lori helped me into my house and Mr . RWM and my mom were there . I broke down in tears . Mr . RWM knew what to do and started an ice bath for me . Mom freaked out a bit . She thought I was hurt and can 't understand why I just did that to myself . Ice bath was good , then I showered and ate a huge plate of Shepherd 's Pie , drank chocolate milk and ate four Laffy Taffy . They are my weakness and favorite candy . Enjoyed every bite with no guilt ! I woke up feeling sore but what has me concerned is my PF . As soon as I stepped out of bed , I knew I was in trouble . I hobbled to the bathroom and couldn 't get shoes on fast enough . This is not good . It takes so long to feel better . I will continue to stretch , ice , and use the golf ball . I have the night splint that I can sleep in too . Other than that , I am thrilled . I did something that I was pretty sure was impossible . I am ready for the marathon and I am really looking forward to it . I know it is going to be a great weekend . Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way . We are so close now . Because breathing / asthma was such an issue I did not get my 20 miler in on Thursday . This bummed me out for a few reasons . First , because I set up a huge support team to run with me and figuring it all out was not easy . I thank each and every one of you who planned to be with me . Second , it 's not done ! This was the BIG one . The last big one . It should of been smooth sailing from here to the marathon . I was ready and now I am discouraged . I thought I was ok today and planned on three miles . Today though , was the last day of soccer and it was just me and the kids . Gracie played for an hour and George had three games over the course of two hours . It was cold and very windy and by the time I left the field , three hours later , my voice was gone again and my chest hurt . I feel a little better now , but going to put it off for one more day . My new plan is run tomorrow , no less than three miles and if all goes well , do my 20 on Tuesday . I should be good to go by then . Keep your fingers crossed for me . Of course , if you are available Tuesday to run with me , I would love to have you join me . Now on to a fun giveaway . If you plan to race in costume , post your pictures on my FB page . The photo with the most likes , will win a Shubeez and Sweat Pink Laces . I will keep it running through November 3rd . Tuesday and Wednesday , I ran 3 miles each day . Both runs were pleasant , and I felt good . I 'm not gonna lie , I am short miles for the week , but I did what I could and I have no regrets . Thursday , was my long run , 14 miles . I put it out there that I was looking for company , which I pretty much do for every run now . Michael of Forward Momentum chimed in and said he would run all 14 with me . What ? Really ? Wait , let me just remind him I am slow , sometimes walk and always cry . He was still on board ! I can write a post just on this run , but here is the bottom line . This run rocked ! My watch died in mile three , so I just relied on Michaels app . It was kinda nice to not look at my Garmin constantly . I am excited to tell you that we finished in 2 : 31 : 16 . Just in case you are not a fan of math like me , that is PR for 13 . 1 . That came out to 2 : 18 . Not official , I know , but still exciting to me . Now , last week after I ran Newport , George said he wanted to run a race with me . I got excited and immediately started looking for a 5k near by . The race that popped out at me was Run For the Pumpkins in Westerly , RI . This race was put on by the Westerly Track and Athletic Club , which Michael is part of . I got to ask him a few questions about it when we ran the 14 . He said it was a small race with rolling hills but nice . Great ! George turned eight on Friday and he just couldn 't calm down . He has so many nice friends , who gave him such nice gifts . His party was on Saturday and he and his friends had a blast ! He also told me he didn 't want to run anymore . He just wanted to sleep in , stay in his PJ 's and play with all his new toys . I couldn 't say no . We are on the go so often , I wanted him to have his time . I still planned on running . I had told Michael that I had been chasing a sub 30 5k for a while and when I told him George was not going to run with me , he said he would pace me to a PR . I was game , but had doubts . My allergies have been bad the last couple days which makes my asthma worse . That , plus the junk food , made me think I wouldn 't make it . Michael was at the table helping out . He introduced me to some really nice people and I felt right at home . I had a lot of time , so I sat in the car a little , ate my banana , stretched and ran about a mile for a warm up . We lined up and he gave me the run down about how fast we needed to go . He does everything in kilometers and I just said OK . Here we go ! We went out fast . Faster than I have ever run . My breathing was labored but I was moving forward . I thought I was feeling better right after the first mile , but by the time we hit 1 . 5 , I needed my inhaler . It took three tries but once I did it , we walk just a few feet and I was running again . Michael was awesome . He kept me on pace , and was very encouraging . I was not my usual chipper self with tons of stuff to say . But he kept saying I was doing great and I really needed to hear that . In the last mile , my stomach felt like I had a brick in it and I was slowing down . Michael was telling me what was coming up and how close we were to the finish . Once we were in the parking lot and the finish was in site , I was able to pick it up . I saw the clock and heard the cheering and in the finish I went . Official time , 29 : 56 ! I was totally out of breath but was able to hug Michael and then walk to the water and snacks . I was in shock that we pulled it off . The course was tough , so many hills . This should of not been a PR course but it was . Now I need to find a flat race and see what I can do with that . As I was eating a bagel and having some water , I noticed that a few people were still coming in but there were very few people at the finish line . I headed back and was so happy to see a little guy , I am guessing 6 years old and his dad come in . It was so nice and it made me miss George . I stayed for the age group awards , something I don 't always do . With just about 60 people though , it really was right after the last runner came in . I was still feeling pretty high at this point and then I heard my name . I looked at Michael in shock , walked up to the guy holding the medal and said , " Really ? " He smiled and handed my my medal . I was , of course , crying . Not a lot , but I didn 't know what else to do . I looked at my medal and put it on . I had the women next to me , snap my picture . I watched the last of the awards but I did not hear what was going on . I was still thinking this can 't be . It was here I went over to the printed times to make sure I wasn 't the only 40 something female runner . I was not , whew ! There weren 't many of us , but I don 't care . I was first ! I got a picture with Mike and then we said our goodbyes . I thanked him because I am sure it wouldn 't of happened without him . I truly have some of the best running friends out there and I love everyone of them . Everyone I met today was so very nice . I hope to see and run with them again . I love small local races and even though this was a tough one , I would do it again for sure ! For some reason , my chest is still tight and I am coughing a lot . My voice sounds weird too . Allergies are new to me and I am guessing that that is all it is . I have five miles planned for today with Mary , and hope I feel ok . I will let you know how it goes . This race has a 5k , half and full marathon . My first race ever , was this 5k , two years ago . In fact , if I didn 't have such a deep connection with Philadelphia , this would of been my first marathon . We got there right when it opened . Pick up was very easy . I took a look around the expo and did not buy anything ! Who is shocked ? I am ! From there we had a lovely lunch at the Black Pearl and walked around just a bit . It really was nice to be with Mr . RWM and my parents without having to focus on the kids . I enjoyed every minute . Saturday , was the Free to Breathe 5k . This race helps raise money and awareness for lung cancer , a cause very close to Beth and our friend Sally . Sally lost her mom to lung cancer and is very involved in organizing this race and making it the success that it is . Having a race the day before my 18 miles was freaking me out just a bit . I looked into volunteering and just not running but knew that I wanted to run . Beth was also signed up so we met early in the morning and drove together . Thinking it would take us longer to get there than it actually did , we had loads of time before the start . We checked in , got our numbers , talked with Sally for a short time . We looked at the silent auction items and we each bid on something , but secretly , we were hoping someone would out bid us . From there , we headed to the massage tables and had a quick but nice massage . I should start all my races like that . Still having tons of time , we took a walk around the park . I was happy that is was such a beautiful day and the park was really nice . This was a small race but a very energetic crowd . We lined up and were given directions for the course . They were not very clear , but there were plenty of signs . Beth and I were both doing the half marathon the next day , so we agreed to take it easy . Once we crossed the line , we were running . Our first mile was 9 : 50 . That is not taking it easy for me . We slowed down a bit . We chatted and said goodbye to Sally and headed home . I have to say , I really liked this 5k . It was well run and in a nice location . I was happy to support Sally and loved running with Beth . It had been about a month since I last ran with her and I really missed it . I went to bed early , set my alarm for 5 : 30am , and actually slept well until 4 am . I tossed and turned for a bit and then decided that I should just get up and head to the race . My original plan was to run the extra five miles at the end of the half , but since I was up so early , I decided to run a few before and a few after . I am not a morning person and getting up and driving to the race in the dark was weird . I followed my directions to the parking lot but at that time in the morning , every car in front of me was going to the same place . I parked and walked to the buses . I got on the very first bus . It was pretty wide open , but a girl walked on and asked if she could sit with me . Of course she can ! I don 't remember her name but she was from Ohio . She was very pleasant and it was a nice start to the morning . Once I was a the race , I took a walk around . Snapped a few pics and looked for the gear check . I wanted to do my run , but wanted to be able to get back into my bag for my banana and water after my three miles . I purposely picked a bright yellow bag for my stuff hoping that would help the guys out . They tagged my bag and put it aside so that it would be easy to get to when I got back . I was so thankful ! I grabbed my music , but didn 't need it . I ran to and on the Cliff Walk and just listened to the ocean . It was perfect ! The crowd was much bigger then when I left but was able to find Beth with no problem . Soon , Rebecca of Pink Running Jacket found us . I was bummed though that we did not find my friend Kim , who came in from NY , or my friend Patti . It was Patti 's first half marathon and I really wanted to be at the start with her . We lined up and for some reason , there was a delay to the start . I don 't know if it is a mental thing or not , but sitting around waiting , made me feel like I needed to use the porta potty again . I didn 't get out of line for fear of losing everyone , so I just hoped for the best . Finally , we were on our way . There were a lot of people running this race and it did not break up until mile three . Rebecca was running the full by the way and Beth the half . The three of us stayed together for couple miles and then we lost Rebecca and never caught up to her . This is not an easy course but it sure is beautiful . That alone can keep a person going . I love running by the ocean and all the beautiful homes . We even went into Fort Adams for a short while , which I am getting really familiar with now . I have to say , I was feeling really good . I found my groove early in the race and I think it may have been because of the pre three mile run . I didn 't look at my watch too much because when Beth and I hit two miles , my watch said five and so on and so on . This would of required math and well , you all know by now , running and math do not add up in my head . A couple really cool things happened in the loop around Fort Adams . First , we were behind a father and his daughter . She was about the same size as my George who will be 8 on Friday , BTW . I said to Beth that I needed to go talk to them and find out what her deal was . We ran ahead and I said hello and that I was so impressed to see such a young girl running a half marathon . Turns out , she was 10 and this was her third half marathon ! She also has an older sister , 13 , who was also running . Her name was Christina and she was just so stinking cute ! I wish I could show you the socks she was wearing , right up my alley . Now , at this point , I really needed to use the bathroom . We hit some on the way out of Fort Adams . There was a line , but I had to wait . In line we talked to a women who was from Philly ! She had run the Philadelphia Marathon five years earlier and loved it ! So good to hear . Standing in line , I heard my name . It was Patti ! I got out of line and asked her how she was feeling . She looked great ! I told her I would catch up to her later , I needed to get back in line . I felt so happy to have seen her and know that she was doing so well . After our stop , Beth and I really had a good pace going and we passed a lot of people , something I am not used to . I am still feeling good at this point and honestly , I was surprised . I was so happy to be running and I was excited knowing what I was going to accomplish today . Eighteen Miles ! I can 't help but go back to my first run . One minute and I was huffing and puffing . I am still amazed that I didn 't give up and so thrilled to be where I am today . We did catch up with Patti on Ocean Road . We chatted and ran with her for just a bit before Beth and I were off again . I wanted to stay with her but I really wanted to finish too . I still had to add two more miles . Sorry Patti ! Somewhere around mile eight , my mile eleven , I asked Beth how we were doing on time . She said we were at 1 : 30 something with five miles to go . I told Beth , this could be a PR race for me . The time to beat was 2 : 36 . This fueled Beth . She was going to get me a PR no matter if I wanted one or not ! At one point , she said that her endorphins were popping . I had to ask , in a good way or bad . In a good way she said . Oh my , I am in for it now . Despite my feeling good the whole morning so far , when my Garmin beeped 13 miles , I was starting to really feel it . I was slowing down . Beth was not . If I was alone , I would of walked here . I may have even mentioned that to Beth , but she was not having it . I kept on going and was happy to have her encouraging me to do this . I started to get quiet . If you run with me , you know this is a sure sign I want to be done . Beth was doing her best to talk and keep me going when I remembered a story that I haven 't told her yet . I am not going to tell it here at this time , but it involves a ghost named Harvey and the house I grew up in . It 's good story and time flew by while telling it . At the end , we were very close to the finish . Beth was speeding up . I was able to stay with her but was struggling a bit . The crowd was pretty awesome here and I was very thankful for all the cheers . Running into the lot , with the finish in site , we saw Michelle of For The Love of Running and she was cheering us in . I just love seeing people at the finish that I know . I picked it up just a bit here and we ran into the finish together . The clock read 2 : 32 and change . I knew it was a PR . I , of course , had tears in my eyes . Beth and I hugged , got some water and our medals . I have to say , this is the best medal I have ever gotten , if you don 't count a Tiffany 's necklace . It is just awesome ! We walked to where we could see the finishers coming in . I wanted to see Patti finish . I was thrilled when I saw 10 year old Christine and her father coming in . We cheered really loud for her and I got teary again . I 'm such a girl ! It wasn 't much longer and we saw Patti . She looked great coming into the finish and I was just so happy for her . We met her and the three of us headed to where the food was . They had soup , bananas , oranges , water and gatorade . The soup sounded good to me . A little warm up before my last two miles . We took a couple pics and said our goodbyes . I decided to go back to the route I did before the race . Happy to be done , but , oh wait , I have two more to go ! This took me right into the crowed cheering the runners in at the finish , not to mention , the runners walking , slowly , to the buses . I finally made it to the Cliff Walk and started to run . Again , not my best idea . This is a huge tourist attraction and now I was running and bopping around tourists . This is a skinny path and it was not fun . My two miles each were clocked at 13 minutes . I just couldn 't move . Even so , my time for 18 miles was less then my time for 16 . How crazy is that ! Once I was back to the race finish , I got my bag and then saw that hot pizza was being put out . Oh , so very happy ! I devoured two pieces in minutes . From there I walked into the expo tent one last time . It was here , that I found they had beer . I really wanted one but I was freezing , tired and alone . I headed to the bus . Remember how early and dark it was when I parked ? Weill , I didn 't really take note of exactly where I parked . I knew I was in the general area , but the lot was so much bigger then it looked at 0 ' dark 30 . I am pretty sure I walked a half mile before I found my Sunshine . And if she wasn 't bright yellow , I would of had to call for a ride home and just buy a new car . Not kidding . I was so happy to be in my car and driving home . I had a great morning , a great race and a PR . The company was the best part ! No matter what the race or PR , you can 't beat running with your buddies . Once I was home , my parents took the kids out for a while and I was able to sit and relax in a quiet house . I really appreciated this . When the official times came out , mine was 2 : 29 : 15 . This was a 7 : 24 minute PR . Imagine what it could of been if we didn 't stop at the porta potty . All and all , a fantastic day . I am already signed up for the Triple Crown next year , and this is the last race of that series . Looking forward to it . First , let me start by saying , this is one of my most favorite companies . I discovered them just over two years ago when I was just starting to run . To be honest , I am not sure exactly how I found them but the moment I saw their products and read their manifesto , I was hooked . You all know this if you have been reading my blog for a while . My first purchase was a shirt , maybe a hat too , can 't remember . Doesn 't matter because I now own about 5 short sleeve shirts , 4 long sleeve shirts , 1 sweat shirt , a hat , two magnets , a coffee cup , travel mug , not to mention , the items I have gifted . There are a few more things that I want , but I have to space these things out so I don 't give Mr . RWM a heart attack . BTW , Mr . RWM , Christmas is right around the corner and then my birthday soon after that . Just saying . . . I have had the opportunity to meet and talk with Kyra , founder and Chief Runner of Women Run , a number of times now . The first time I met her , was at the Providence Rock and Roll Expo . She knew my name when I introduced myself and it was just a thrill to talk with her in person . Since then , we have been at a few races together but we didn 't always know it . One of the last ones being the FirmMan . She was also on a relay team for that race . Kyra and I at the FirmMan The more I looked into it though , I was quite certain , no one was going to leave injured . There was paddle boarding , hula hooping , tricycle riding and to finish it off , a chocolate slide . You could also be as young as 9 to participate . Since I am so close to 9 . . . I woke up the day of the race to cold and rain . This is not what my guy at channel 10 had said the day before . Not nice weather man , not nice ! The race was held at Fort Adams which I thought was the perfect spot . Easy to get to . Plenty of parking and big enough for all the obstacles . Oh , and real bathrooms ! We headed to check in to get our numbers and the woman at the table recognized my name and introduced herself to me . Her name was Krissy and she also works at Women run . She knew my name from FB and said it was nice to meet me and that , " I was one of them . " Wow , just wow ! There were waves every half hour and we were the 11 : 30 wave . When we first got there it seemed the rain was letting up . By the time we got our numbers and headed back to the car , it was drizzling . I grabbed my hat and was just hoping it didn 't pour on us . Our wave was very small . We lined up , got our instructions , and off we went . There was no sun , but luckily , no rain either . This is good , yay ! Steph and Lori are not really runners but they did a great job ! To get to the first obstacle , we had to run a mile . Since the race was not timed , we only ran when all of us were able to . The first obstacle was paddle boarding , something I have never done . Oh , and I can 't swim . The water was only waist high and we had life jackets . Plus , there were two kayakers in the water with us . Agnes , was the first to hop on the board and go . She was finished before I was even to the first buoy . She rocked it ! Elaine was next and then me . I got nervous when I started to stand , so I stayed on my knees . Once I figured out how to move and turn , it wasn 't so bad . I had fun and would try it again . Have to be able to stand up for next year for sure . From there , we ran a bit to obstacle number two , the rock wall . Do you remember this post ? I am not much of a rock climber . We had a bit of a line here , but that gave us plenty of time to get our harness on . The wall was brought in by the Army National Guard and was manned by two soldiers . A cute , young soldier approached me to make sure my harness was on right . He looked confused and said to me , " Can you lift up your tutu ? " We all started to laugh and I replied , " I bet you never said that before ! " We all got a good laugh and there may have been a little blushing . I did not get very far on the rock wall , in fact , only one of us made it to the top . Not only did Elaine shoot up to the top of the wall , she did it on the hardest of the three sides . How cool is that ! The next obstacle , I was sure I would have a hard time with . We needed to hula hoop and walk from point A to point B . I picked a hoop that matched my shirt and tutu and before I knew it , I was hula hooping and walking . It never fell ! I went the whole distance and had such a good time ! My best obstacle of the day . Next we had to get on bikes . Little bikes , the size that my Gracie would ride . I picked a cool purple one and started to go but was having trouble . A young man on a bike who was helping , noticed that my back tire was flat . So back I went for a new one , a pink princess bike . I really had a hard time peddling . My knees kept hitting but despite that , I was smiling the whole way . The time and thought that went into this race was incredible . What a wonderful idea to get together with your daughters , mothers , aunts , and girlfriends . My girls were already at the next obstacle , putting on high heel shoes . I just cracked up as I approached them . I grabbed a pair of black pumps and we went shopping . Three bins , filled with toys and we had to pick a toy from each bin and put it into a shopping bag . This was not hard , but it was very funny ! This was a double sided slide . One side just had water . Come on , who did that side ? Where is the fun in that ? We went back and forth a bit , tutus on or off . There was no way I wasn 't going to do it in my tutu ! I went next . The slide was much faster than I expected . I thought I would have more control but that was not the case . Into the chocolate I went . Now , I have only been running for just over two years , but I have crossed quite a few finish lines . At every one , even the not so good races , there is a feeling of accomplishment and joy . A true feeling of being alive . This was no different . I got up , covered in chocolate , looked at my friends and felt all of the those same feelings . I love this race and I will be back . Hopefully with the same girls plus a few more . Agnes , went down the slide without her tutu . This was ok because she was leaving the race and going to a meeting . She had decided to wear it to her meeting ! Ha , so cool ! I would of loved to see her colleagues faces when she walked in . We got cleaned up , changed into warm , dry clothes and headed to the beer tent . We all got a free Narragansett Beer . We got sandwiches and while we were eating , it got windy and the skis opened up . The race was still going on and we were right next to the rock wall . I am so very impressed with all the ladies , especially the little ones , who didn 't give up under those conditions . They stuck it out and finished . Now they are true champs ! Way to go ladies ! The finial stop of the day , was the retail therapy tent . I bought two shirts for me , a shirt for Gracie and a magnet for a friend . My day was complete and I left happy . Fun , fun and more fun . A big thank you to the race organizers and volunteers . You all did a fantastic job and we look forward to next year ! This was partly due to not having Mr . RWM home . I really over scheduled myself this week and without him being here , I did not have the luxury of getting out early before everyone was awake . Monday , once the kids were on the bus , my running buddy Mary met me at my house and we ran seven miles . This was a really enjoyable run , but I ran out of time . I was supposed to do 9 would of been happy with 8 but that was not to be . We had to head back or I would of missed my first appointment of the week . It was not one I wanted to show up to , sweaty and smelly . A shower was a must . That night , however , my left shin was hurting a bit . I iced , took ibuprofen and used my compression socks . I decided to take Tuesday off . My long run this week was supposed to be 12 miles . I have been doing the long ones on Thursday , but again , I had a commitment so I planned to do them on Wednesday . First however , I was volunteering at my church . I thought I would only be there an hour . Jenn was meeting me at the church . The project we were working on took much longer than expected and by the time I started my run , I was only able to do five miles ! They were a really tough five miles too . Summer temps had come back and we were running in the late morning . I had eaten breakfast , but by this point I was hungry . I was also up most of the night before . It just was not working for me and I stopped . Thursday and Friday were jammed packed with things I had to get done . Again , not being able to run in the early morning or evenings really screwed me up this week . However , I don 't feel bad about it . The last couple weeks , I have been tired and achey . I am ready for this marathon to be here . This week of unplanned rest did me some good . I am ready to tackle week 13 which ends with me running 18 miles . Let 's do this ! My last run of the week will have a blog post all to itself . I ran in the Women Run - The Sanity Chase which was a 5k obstacle course . Best Time Ever ! I am just waiting for all the pics to come to me so I can share them with you . Here is a sneak peek : |
I am still alive , but it feels like just barely . Things around here have become extremely complicated since my last posting . I can 't / won 't go into details , but suffice it to say that I have not been sleeping much . Other than that , The Boy is still in Vermont . Still not ready to admit he is ready to come home , but not really doing much either . I am still missing him beyond words , but he should be home in the next week and a half . Ziggy is doing much better too . His last dose of medicine is this evening . Guess I will set him up an appointment to be rechecked at the vets sometime next week . School is out for me for this week anyway . I have to go back next week for some training . Not looking forward to that either . Oh well . Well , short post , but I don 't have much time . I have to get home . My Crazy Man should be there soon , and I am going to have to fix something for supper , so I need to get that started . Again , I will post as soon as I am able to do so while I am out of school . I think I am being bullied . And not by just one person either . I know that there are ways to take care of that sort of thing , but I don 't think either of the following fall under those rules / laws . I am so mad and hurt . I don 't know if I want to scream , hit something , or just sit down and cry . First off , today is the last day of summer school . I know , I should be happy . I am happy about that . Paychecks for summer school were handed out today . That is where I am having the difficulty . I do not receive a paycheck for being at summer school . I am apparently the only person at summer school who does not get paid . I found out yesterday afternoon that the janitor who comes in everyday after summer school to take out trash and clean bathrooms gets a check . But not the nurse . I deal with bloody noses , skinned knees , scraped toes , banged heads and a whole bunch of other things . And I don 't get paid . I don 't get a ' thank you ' . I don 't get anything . What makes it worse is the fact that even the student helpers get something . When I began working here , I was hired in January . I was asked if I would work during summer school that year since I was hired in late . I agreed . No big deal . Ever since then , I have been expected to show up . For no pay . In 2007 , I called several schools to find out what their school nurses did for summer school . I took that info to the superintendent and was told that if I wanted to be paid like a teacher , then I needed to get my teaching certificate . He told me that I made more than a nurse from another school district and that is why I don 't get paid for summer school . He told me that if I did not show up during summer school , then he would hold my June , July and August paychecks and I wouldn 't get paid all summer . What kind of bull is that ? I 'll tell you what kind . He knows that I am not just working here for the fun of working here . He knows that in order for my family to survive , I have to have those paychecks . So , he knows that he has me where he wants me . A free employee for 4 weeks . I can 't call hisPosted by This is the second part of my story of The Boy . I don 't plan to go into minute by minute detail , but will cover enough that the understanding is there . Again , this post will probably be fairly long , but I know of no other way to shorten and sweeten it . I knew when I held my son at just a few hours after he was born that there was something different about him . I don 't know exactly what clued me in , but I just had this feeling that something was not quite right . Maybe that doesn 't sound very nice or even ' mom ' like , but it was how I felt . Now you want to know why I thought this , right ? Well , first off , you know how babies like to snuggle in your arms and would rather sleep there than anywhere ? Not my baby . He preferred to lay in his bassinet with nobody touching him . He never cried . Occasionally he would cry when he got hungry , but normally , he just started to fuss a tiny bit , never a full out cry . I know , I know . I sound like a terrible mom thinking something is wrong with her baby just because he was " an easy baby " . There are millions of moms out there that are saying how they wish their baby was like that . But there was just something ' not right ' . I don 't know how to explain it any other way . So , he continues to grow and become a funny little kid that I loved more than I could explain . He refused to drink any type of juice . He really didn 't like any type of fruit except bananas and pears . He rolls , sits , crawls and walks on time . His first Christmas , he received a Curious George stuffed animal and at 8 months old , picked him up and became extremely attached . Fine . 8 months old and attached to a monkey . No problem . That is normal . George went with us everywhere . My baby 's first word was not ' dada ' or ' mama ' or even ' no ' . It was George ! Funny but true . Most parents I know love having the first birthday because they get to have all the cool cake - all - over - the - place pictures . I have none of those . Not because I didn 't have a camera . Not because I didn 't get him his own little cake . Nope , I have none of those cool picturesPosted by I talked to The Boy last night . He survived being left alone while his grandparents left and did whatever it was they did . That makes me feel better ! Anyway . . . he told me that they took him to Ben and Jerry 's Ice Cream factory yesterday . He got to go on the tour to see how they make the ice cream . He has been once before , but he was pretty young . He does remember going then though . When he went yesterday , he said that he got to have some vanilla ( his favorite ) and then he tasted " some that had orange and vanilla mixed together . " He told me " they said it was new and that was the sample they were giving out . " I asked if he tried it and liked it . I was told " yeah , it was ok . " I was surprised ! He actually tried it ! My mom was surprised when I told her too . He is not big into trying new things . But , he likes orange sherbet and he likes vanilla ice cream , so he would probably have liked it . Other than that , he told me that he was " just playing my game . " I know he likes to play video games , but come on ! When he is home , I try to limit the time he plays them . Evidently , there are no rules about that when he is gone from home . This , of course is not new . That is one of the things that he likes about going to his dad 's I think . He has no real rules . He pretty much does what he wants when he wants . That makes it more difficult when he gets home though since he does have rules at my house . Matter of fact , his father has accused me of having too many rules . Sorry , but I don 't think it is appropriate for him to sit in front of video games all day . And , I think he should have to help me mow the yard , and empty the litter box , and take out the garbage and burn the trash , and keep his room somewhat neat , and feed the cats and throw his laundry in with the dirty clothes . Maybe those are really rules , but chores . Either way , he has them . And I see no reason he shouldn 't be doing them . He also has to go to bed and get up in the morning at a decent hour . I also prefer that he respect everyone and lose the attitude that he sometimes comPosted by I 'm late . No , not that kind of late ! If it were that kind of late , I would be all excited , but then would have to stop and wonder how it happened . You see , I don 't have the parts it takes to be that kind of late . What I am talking about is that I am late with sitting down to type this post . I have been running late all day , so why should this be any different ? I got up and moving on time this morning , but then fell further and further behind . I couldn 't find anything to bring for my lunch today . Then , when I finally get to work , I had to confer with a friend / teacher who is having a difficult time . Then I had to send a fax . Finally I had to do some checking on items that I needed to get done . And now , I am here . Later than I usually am , but here nonetheless . The Boy is doing fine I guess . I threatened to go get him yesterday because when I asked what he had been doing , he said " playing my game . " When I said back to him " you have been playing your game since you got up this morning ? " He said " I don 't know . " When I asked him if he had eaten supper yet , I got " I don 't know . " It was at that point that I said I was getting in the car and coming to get him because if he doesn 't know the answers to those two simple questions , he must have a head injury . I was a bit concerned because he was by himself , in the RV , at a campsite . . . . with no adults around . Or at least none that he knew / was related to . One of the things that I was told just before he left was that he would always have an adult around , especially when they were at a campsite . Now look . He was alone . And I don 't like it . The Boy has no fear . Who is to say that he won 't get bored just sitting there and decide to go exploring ? Or , answer a knock on the door from someone he doesn 't know ? I 'm telling you . . . . he has no fear . He doesn 't understand the meaning of going away and not ever coming back . I know that fear . And there are plenty of times that I fear it for him . When he was younger , he wandered off at a water park . There were thousands of people around , he didn 't reaPosted by Summer is here ! It has been in the 90s since last week . I hear all sorts of people complaining , but I would rather it be hot than cold . I don 't mind the hot . Granted , it is a bit warm when you can just sit outside , in the shade , and sweat . . . The heat index has been anywhere from 105 to 110 everyday , so there have been heat advisories in effect from light to dark . This morning , it was 85 degrees on my way to work at 7 : 30 . My Crazy Man and I mowed the yard on Friday and Saturday . Yes , two days ! I told you I live in the sticks , remember ? ! Anyway , we were on riders , so it wasn 't too bad . We borrowed my dad 's so it wouldn 't take us as long working together . I hadn 't been able to mow for a couple of weeks because it rained everyday . We mowed from 7 : 30 pm until 9 : 30 pm on Saturday night . ( When we came in , the thermometer read 90 . ) Then we got up and mowed from 7 : 30 am until 9 : 30 am on Sunday morning . It was hot then too ! We own about 9 . 25 acres , and my Crazy Man says that we only mow about 2 of it . Sure feels like I mow more than that ! It usually takes me and The Boy about 4 hours after school to mow . Of course that is because we do it once a week usually , so the grass isn 't as tall as what it was this weekend . 7 down , 7 to go ! Ziggy is getting better . We are on day 7 of his meds . I 've only gotten about 10 scratches total . Just over one a day isn 't too bad I don 't guess . I know he is feeling better though because he has started to fight more . He also runs when he sees the towel come out . Silly cat ! He actually lets me wrap him up and doesn 't struggle at all ( when I catch him ) . He clamps his teeth together and when I finally get them apart is when he starts to fight . Only 7 days to go ! 17 down , 3 to go ! Only 3 days left of summer school . Yay ! I am really over this whole summer school thing . I have so many other things that I would rather be doing . Like reading a book , or sleeping late in the morning , or staying up late at night ! Matter of fact , I would rather be doing most anything than working at a job that I am not being paiPosted by Welcome to Not Me ! Monday ! This blog carnival was created by MckMama . You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week . If you have been following along , you know about Ziggy . If you have not been following along , then you should catch up ! Most of the things that I didn 't do have to do with him . ( That is kind of sad and yet kind of good too , huh ? ! ) Anyway . . . . here we go . . . . I did not cry when I had to leave Ziggy at the vet for two days . I also did not laugh when I had to sign a consent form for them to collect a urine sample ( which consisted of them just waiting until he actually peed ) . I did not go home and attempt to explain to Sinatra why Ziggy was not with me and when he would be coming home . I did not ask the vet to call in the antibiotic to the Wal - Mart pharmacy because it was cheaper . I did not shake my head and wonder why pharmacists make so much money when they couldn 't figure out how to fix up my cat 's prescription . I did not check my cell phone to find a picture of him when he was just a baby so I could give an approximate date when I was asked for Ziggy 's birth date . And I most definitely did not laugh out loud when I read the label on the bottle concerning his name . When an Army Recruiter who came to the school to get some paperwork asked if he would set off an alarm if he went out a particular door , I did not tell him - - " Not a loud one . Just a silent one and we will point the cops in the direction you went . " He thought twice about going out the door , but another staff member and I just started laughing , so out the door he went ! And , no , there was no alarm , silent or otherwise . I did not type this post ahead of time so that I could remember all the things that I did not do . Those things would be silly , wouldn 't they ? And that is why I did not do them ! No , The Boy isn 't pregnant and he does not have a tale about how he was . What I meant was that this is the story of my pregnancy of The Boy . It will probably be a pretty long post , but since this is my blog and I can type what I want to , then I guess it really doesn 't matter , huh ? ! I plan to tell the story of The Boy because it actually is kind of interesting . Of course that may just be in my mind , but again , this is my blog and I can say what I want to say , right ? ! With that said , here it goes : I got married in 1992 to my son 's father . That is a whole other story ! On my birthday in February 1994 , I discovered that I was pregnant . I was absolutely ecstatic . I love kids and always wanted at least 3 or 4 and felt that I was on the way to making my dreams come true . It was a hard pregnancy , but I loved every second of it . I was sick from the time the sperm knocked on the egg 's door ! I had odd food cravings . . . Big Macs , green onions , and anything hot and spicy . The worst one was green beans though . I cried everytime I ate them because I truly do not like the taste of green beans ! But , I had to have them . We left the area after I graduated from college in May . My then husband was a member of the army and had decided to go active duty instead of reserves . We moved 13 hours away to Fayetteville , North Carolina . This was the first time that I had ever been really away from my family . . . and I did not like it ! I was 16 weeks pregnant when we left , but I was only measuring about 15 1 / 2 . Nobody was overly concerned at that point . When I got pregnant , I was only about 100 pounds and of course I was suffering from all day sickness , so nobody made any comments about my measuring off a little . As time went on , I started to fall farther behind in my measurements . I don 't know about anyone else 's experience with Army docs , but mine was not the greatest . They wrote in my chart that at 20 weeks , I had just presented for the first time for medical care , even though I had hand carried my medical records that showed my first appointment back hPosted by Ziggy made it home last night . He was really happy to be home . As a matter of fact , Sinatra and I were happy too ! He had to be able to see me or he cried though . Guess he thought I was running away from him again or something . Went and picked up his medicine at Wal - Mart after I picked him up . That was fun ! You would think that they would have it filled and waiting on me since it was 5pm and it had been called in before 9am . Nope . They said they couldn 't fill it until I gave them an address , phone number and birthdate . I wanted to ask why they didn 't get that from the person calling it in since I would hope that they do that when a prescription is called in for a child . But , they didn 't . So , I had to wander around Wal - Mart for half an hour until they got it ready . And , no , Ziggy does not like taking his medicine ! As of this morning , I have gotten three doses in him though ! I talked to The Boy last night . He has made it Vermont . Said they were at one of the great uncle 's houses . They are close to Lake Champlain from my understanding . I asked him if he had already been swimming . He told me " that water is really cold " . He said that it was " probably 50 degrees . " So , I don 't know how soon he thinks is going to want to swim ! If it were as hot there as it was here yesterday , it probably would have felt pretty good . He did tell me that he plans to take the paddle boat out today . I asked him who was going to be going with him and he said that he thought he would probably be by himself . I reminded him that he had to have an adult watching him in case he had problems . I know it is a really good thing letting him go on this trip . I am still worried about it though . He has never been away from me for a month at a time . He goes to his father 's house for two weeks out of the summer , but he is close enough that I can get to him quickly if need be . This time , he is so far away , that if he needed me in a hurry , it would take about 24 hours to reach him . I guess the main reason I am worried is because he has to have boundaries set and IPosted by It is not even 9am and it already qualifies as a Weird Wednesday . The vet called this morning and said that Ziggy finally decided to give them a urine sample . Which means that he will get to come home today . I know that I didn 't like the fact that he had to stay again last night at the vet 's office , and I am sure that he didn 't like that fact either . But , he did go and yes he does have " a nasty UTI " according to the vet . I asked what his prescription would be written as and how much it would cost if I were to get it from her . She told me it would be written as 100mg twice a day for 14 days and would cost me about $ 20 . She then told me that if I were to get it at the Wal - Mart pharmacy , there would be way too much and she didn 't know how I would be able to get the liquid amount . I told her that I would call her back . I called Wal - Mart and was told that he wasn 't quite sure how to do that . Now come on . I know I am a nurse and not a high paid pharmacist , but even I know that docs call in all the time for young children with this same type of request . How hard is it to mix up the 250mg per 5ml and have me give him about 2ml at a time ? ? They do this all the time for infants ! Just because I am giving it to a cat doesn 't change the way it is dosed ! Anyway , the guy finally figured it out . Of course he had to tell me " you are going to have a bunch left over . " Big deal ! When he is only going to charge me $ 4 , I don 't think I am going to cry over having to dump a portion of it . And , not only that , I may need extra since I am not envisioning this to be a very easy task ! I don 't know . Maybe this isn 't as weird as I think it is . Then again , maybe it is weirder ( is that a word ? ) than I think . I talked to The Boy last night . He seems to be doing fine . They still have not arrived in Vermont . When I talked to him , he was eating a snack ( which is not surprising ) and that he had had steak for supper . I don 't think he is quite ready to come home yet . He cracks me up though . He told me that it is a little strange to use the bathroom when youPosted by Yesterday , I called the vet about Ziggy and his crouching issues . We agreed that he probably had a UTI . Fine . " Bring him in about 3 : 30 . " Fine . " Oh yeah . . . . do you think you could also bring in a urine sample ? " Now , the first irrational thought that went through my mind was " his or mine ? " That , luckily , did not come out of my mouth ! Before I could even say anything , the girl on the phone was like , " probably not , huh ? " I just laughed and said , " yeah , probably not . " After work , I quickly made my way home , brought in a carrier and let him explore it enough that he walked inside on his own . Now , don 't think this will ever happen again ! He didn 't realize just what he was walking into ! Poor Ziggy . . . he hates to ride anywhere , whether it is in a crate or in The Boy 's arms . By golly , he is an inside cat and walking out the door does not make for a purring kitty . After a 30 minute crying ( not me , Ziggy ) ride , we arrived safely at the vet 's office . She takes us back and says that yes , she believes he has a UTI . Says she needs a urine sample , but because he won 't pee on cue , he is going to have to spend the night . Or as long as it takes to get that sample . Great . Just what neither of us wants . I had to sign a consent form for collection of a urine sample . As a nurse , this strikes me as kind of funny . They aren 't going to do anything to him other than give him water to drink and sit back and wait for him to empty his bladder . And they need a consent form for that . If I had to have a consent form for everything I do to a child at school , I would have more paperwork than what I do have . I ask what she plans to give him for the infection . She said that after she gets the sample and then makes positive that is what it is , she will probably want to have him take an antibiotic , like Amoxicillin for two weeks . Two weeks ? ! Is she crazy ? ! Have you ever tried to give a cat medicine with a syringe ? It is almost as bad as trying to give a cat a bath . And , I don 't have The Boy 's help . Good grief ! Then , being the hick that I am , I asked her if shPosted by My kid is gone , his cat is sick , the truck is wrecked and it is raining . I think that could be a country song ! Yes , all the above is true . You know about the truck being wrecked . The Boy left yesterday morning with his father 's parents . They are headed to Vermont where that side of the family is from . He will be gone until July 10 unless he requests to come home . If that happens , then his father is supposed to go pick him up . Yeah , you heard right . . . his father isn 't even with him . This whole thing came about a couple months ago when grammy called to ask if The Boy could go with them . They planned on leaving on June 14 and would bring him home when they left VT on August 2 . I didn 't say what I wanted to say and instead just said " let me think about it and talk it over with my husband . " We talked to his counselor two different times and I made my point known . Which , of course , was " not happening . " Now , don 't think that I am such a jerk that I didn 't want him to go . It isn 't that . I know he needs to go spend time with that side of the family . His father is supposed to get him for two weeks out of the summer . I can 't say a thing about what he does during those two weeks , even if I don 't like him going . But , I can say something when they want to take him for the entire summer ! Anyway , I was told by his father that I was being selfish and that I needed to compromise and let him go . He told me that " it is all about you . " He told me that he was not going to Vermont , but that The Boy " needed " to . I don 't like it , but I allowed him to go . I feel like I did compromise in letting him go for 4 weeks instead of the two I am required to let him go . I don 't like the idea for several reasons , but I let him go . But , according to his father , I didn 't compromise enough because he didn 't get to be gone the entire time . AND not only should he have been gone the whole time , but his father should have gotten his two weeks from June 1 thru June 14 . Yeah . . . . right . Anyway , I am not doing well with this . I cried ( oh wait . . . I did not cry ) when IPosted by Welcome to Not Me ! Monday ! This blog carnival was created by MckMama . You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week . This is the first Not Me Monday I have ever done ! Yay me ! Not me is supposed to be about things that I may have done the previous week that could cause embarrassment to me or to others . Or at least that is the way I understand this to be . So , in the great spirit of that , I submit the following . I did not cry buckets when The Boy left yesterday morning . He will be gone for four weeks . . . until July 10 at 4pm more precisely . And I sent him off happily enjoying the fact that I will be free of the autistic roller coaster we ride for the next 27 days . Nope , no tears for me . I did not buy a Christmas present for my mother - in - law on Saturday . Nope , I don 't do things early like that . I did not ride around on Sunday with a giant buzzard in my car having positioned him so that he was looking out the back window . Nope , I would never do something so silly ! And , I would never laugh at the dog for being scared of the giant stuffed bird ! Nope , none of that happened to me . None . 10 down and 10 to go . Days of summer school that is . Just finished up the second field trip not to long ago . Only two more to go . Went bowling today . Talk about funny ! Watching the pre - k kids is downright hilarious sometimes ! Somebody came by to look at the wreck of a truck we now own to decide how much the insurance was going to pay . Seems like it is going to be almost exactly the amount that the bank had said they would need to release the title . Feels a little strange to me , but the hubby says that it is all legit . So , I guess we will be getting a check at some point in the ( hopefully ) near future . This weekend is going to really stink . Not going into details at this moment because I don 't want to cry yet . Will try to type about it on Monday . I am actually in the library using one of their computers before I head out to get The Boy and then grab a bite to eat . This is a really short post , but then again , it doesn 't matter , since I am the only one reading it ! Gotta run . Been in the library for a while , so maybe someone is missing me ! The title says it all . Yesterday was a weird day . First off , I had to get up much earlier than what I normally do to get The Boy to his grandparent 's house so they could get him to my Big Little Brother 's house so he could stay with my Little Little Brother . He has been staying with him since I am at summer school and he didn 't want to go . Then , I get to work and it is just a total breakdown there . Stupid things that people do . That is all I can / will say about that . Finally left work . Went home where I walked in to the lovely smell of roast cooking that I had put on in the morning . Always nice to come home to a home cooked meal . Would have been better if it had been someone else who was doing the cooking tho ! Made several phone calls trying to get medical things taken care of . The Crazy Man got hurt on the job back in December and ended up getting several stitches in the top of his head . Easy , huh ? Workman 's comp should take care of it . Yeah . . . right . Fool people denied that claim , but paid the one to take out the stitches . Have yet to figure that one out . Now , of course , the doctor wants to turn us over to collections because we won 't pay the bill . I personally don 't think this is my responsibility to be trying to get someone besides me to pay for this , but I guess we have figured out how wrong that thought is . So , still trying to get someone to talk to me and get it taken care of . My Crazy Man finally got home and we had some really good food . ( If I do say so myself ! ) When he was getting things out to the truck to be ready for the morning , he hollers for me to come out also . I get out there and he says " listen " . I hear some screeching in the trees , but don 't know what it is . He points out a couple of birds , that he thinks are hawks . I don 't really see what he is looking at , but then one of them flys off to another tree . I run inside to get the camera to see if we can zoom in on him so I can tell exactly what kind of bird it is . Mind you it is just about dark , so it is hard to tell what we are looking at . I get the caPosted by " Remember those scratches on the tailgate of the ranger that were starting to rust ? Well , we don 't have to worry about taking care of them anymore . " That was the phone call I received by my Crazy Man yesterday around 1pm . His dad had been driving our truck because his had been on the fritz . I thought that maybe he had touched them up or something . Oh no . Silly me . Because his next comment was : " My dad just called to say that he had totaled out the truck . " Holy crap ! Evidently he swerved to miss a deer . When he did , he hit the edge of the road , hit a culvert and flipped the truck at least once . He said it landed upside down . I guess his dad took inventory of himself , crawled out of a window , called the highway patrol and then called my Crazy Man . I learned later that he also called his wife and asked that she come pick him up with an empty trunk ! He swore that he was fine , with just a bunch of bumps , bruises and cuts . We insisted that he go to the hospital to be checked out though . Especially since he had one cut that seemed to be bleeding quite a bit . So , he went . Got his arm bandaged and a chest x - ray taken . They sent him home with pain meds and muscle relaxants . Other than that , he is fine . The truck on the other hand , is not . It is definitely a goner . We had just replaced the back glass not too long ago because I had somehow managed to destroy it . That , of course , was without a scratch . The rest . . . not so lucky ! Oh well , at least the driver is ok . The truck can be replaced . The man cannot . It has been a little chaotic the last few days around here . That is not the reason I haven 't posted though . That reason would be because like I said in the first post , I don 't have constant access to a computer . Thursday after school was out , I went to the doc . All things good , come see me again in a year ! Yaay for me ! Have been seeing him every 6 months for a couple of years and I 'm over it ! Then , we gathered The Boy and The Little Little Brother and grabbed a bite to eat before we headed to the Jeff Dunham show . Three and a half hours of non - stop laughter ! Of course there was the drama before we even got inside . The Boy decided ( don 't ask me why . . . he is a boy ) to try to stand on the handrail by the steps near where we parked . He fell backward , landing on his back and scraping his elbow . Neither I nor my Crazy Man saw this as we were busy getting things out of the vehicle . The Little Little Brother said that he tried to catch him , but missed . I think it scared The Boy more than it hurt him . Being the terrible mom that I am , I didn 't have anything to clean it when it decided to start bleeding 10 minutes later , so I had to beg a wet wipe from a mom in line in front of us . Once we were able to get inside , we tracked down a security guard who took us in to the bowels of the venue for first aid treatment . We tried to get the security guy to take us to meet Jeff Dunham , but he told us that he was on the opposite side of the venue . I then told The Boy " Shoot . . . here I pushed you down for nothing ! . " Luckily the security guard laughed instead of calling DFS . The Boy didn 't think it was nearly as funny ! We stayed after the show to try to get an autograph , but Jeff Dunham didn 't bother to come greet anyone . Earlier in the afternoon , I had gotten a phone call from my grandma . My cousin , who is about 21 I guess , had to have surgery earlier in the day . Grandma called to update me on that . When I answer , the first thing I hear is . . . . " I got some bad news . " Now . . . if someone calls you for the express purpose of reporting how a surgery Posted by So , this is the first post of the first blog I have ever written . For that matter , it is the first blog I have ever thought about writing . I have no ' agenda ' for writing this other than it is going to be a place where I can pretty much say what I want when I want . I am a school nurse who has a background in labor and delivery . I have been at my current job since January of 2004 . I work in the same school that I spent my elementary and high school career attending . I am the first nurse this school has ever had . There are approximately 330 kids from Kindergarten thru 12th , housed in two different buildings . At the moment , I am not being paid to be at summer school . Yes , it is a sore spot with me , but if I want to have my summer paychecks , I have been informed that I will arrive everyday and like it . School nursing has a lot of benefits . Pay is NOT one of them ! I love hearing the things some of these kids come up with though ! Case in point - - on the first day of summer school , I asked one of the pre - k kids who will be starting kindergarten in the fall how her day went . Her reply was that " it was goodalicious ! " Like I said in my profile . . . I am married and have a son . I have been married since 2008 , and that in itself is a story ! I will post about that at some point in the future . My son is 14 , bigger than me and has been diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum . That will also be a future posting , although , I am certain that the things he says / does will come up often ! My home is filled with guys ! We also have two cats who are both males and my husband has a dog that is also a male . I am used to being around only guys tho . I have two brothers , a nephew , and four male cousins on my dad 's side of the family . My mom 's side , there are so many people that I don 't even know them all ! We live near my parents and my paternal grandparents , so those are the folks I know the best . I live out in the sticks ( duh ! ) and love it ! I own 9 . 25 acres and cannot see a neighbor . Oh . . they are there . . . just I can 't see them and they can 't see mePosted by This disclaimer is to make sure that you understand just what it is that you are getting into by visiting here . What I say is my opinion and mine alone . If you are not happy with my opinions , fine . You are more than welcome to tell me about how yours differs , just don 't tell me that I am wrong because an opinion is never wrong . This blog is for me to get out all my thoughts and feelings since actual adult conversation is not a daily occurrence . Plus , speaking my mind is so much less work than hunting for new places to hide the bodies . And it is a lot more legal too . Thanks for visiting ! I am a mom , wife , daughter , granddaughter , sister , aunt , nurse , who loves her kid , husband , family , cats , occupation , and home . I have been known to have an odd sense of humor and sometimes feel that if there were cameras following me around I could have my own comedy show . I want to live long enough that I can say whatever I want to say and not get into trouble because of it . This is the man who was crazy enough to marry me . He loves both me and the boy to extremes . He is a city slicker who drives a truck for a living , has an addiction to Harley Davidson motorcycles and is not quite sure yet about all this country living . This is my boy . He is 15 years old and is a freshman in high school . He has been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum . He does have some difficulties , but we work around them . He loves Curious George , his cat , computers , video games , science , and learning new things . Named when he was just a baby for his big blue eyes . Lost the sight in the right one and will forever be an inside cat . Loves his mom ( me ) . Can be found hiding under the covers on the bed when company comes . Ziggy Original name was Zigawa ( after the place in The Curious George Movie of course ! ) but shortened to Ziggy after our tongues constantly tripped over that ! Loves The Boy fiercely and misses him terribly when he is gone . Fred Silly little dog . Moved in when his dad ( Crazy Man ) moved in . Drives the cats crazy . Barks at anyone who doesn 't live with us and thinks he is bigger and badder than he really is . |
At 62 , I now sit and wonder if all the things I have done in my life were the right moves . When we are young we have the choice 's then to of the way we want , for the most part that is , it does not always turn out that way . I for one now know that there were times when I should have chosen the other path or road , some may call them ( key points ) , whatever you chose to call it , it is what brings you to what you are today . I was afraid of losing my family and friends , so I just moved on , now knowing that it would not have made any difference because in the end I lost everything anyway . Now I can only imagine what my life would have been like if I had made that choice . I was invited to move there and start living in the gay community . Everything would have been taking care of for me , but I was a fool to believe that what I was doing was something more important . ALL MY LIFE I HAVE HAD SOMETHING INSIDE ME TELLING ME THAT I AM A WOMAN , IT DID NOT MATTER ABOUT WHAT I HAD TO DO TO LIVE MY LIFE OR HOW I HAD TO DRESS , THIS FEELING WAS THERE AND I DID ALL I COULD TO TRY AND LIVE AS YOU WOULD HAVE ME LIVE . IT WAS WHEN I HAD TO MAKE A CHANGE IN MY LIFE , NOT FOR YOU , BUT FOR MYSELF . IT HAD GOTTEN TO THE POINT THAT IF I HAD TO LIVE AS A MALE I DID NOT WANT TO LIVE AT ALL . I HAD MYSELF PUT INTO A MENTAL WARD TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM ME . YEARS OF TALKING TO COUNSELORS AND READING ALL I COULD FIND DID NOT HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I NEEDED TO KNOW . I HAD TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME , NOT FOR YOU OR ANYONE ELSE . YEARS OF TEARS AND BROKEN HEARTS HAVE GONE BY . I AM HATED TODAY WHERE I LIVE JUST BECAUSE I HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE MY LIFE . I OWE NO ONE ANYTHING , NOT EVEN THIS EXPLANATION TO TRY AND HELP YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM . INTRODUCTION What I write is from my heart and what I have to deal with everyday in my life . The words that you will read are truly mine . My inspiration comes from my friends ; they have given me the ability to do this and try to set me free . I write about the way they have made me feel and to show me that life is real ; I was broken when we met , yet I will be left with the best I can get A TRUE FRIEND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE , I WANT THE WORL TO SEE , THAT I AM ONLY ONE HUMAN , TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE . I DO NOT ASK YOU TO STAND WITH ME , I AM ASKING YOU TO STAND NEXT TO ME . THERE WERE FOUR TIMES IN MY LIFE I HAD DIED AND IT WAS NOT MY DAY . I AM STILL HERE NOW , BECAUSE I STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY . I love to have fun and I love music and dance . I have rights and I do not need to Deal with a lot of BS in my life . If you choose to be a part of what I am about great , love to have you as a friend , I believe that everyone has a choice in life to be what they want to be . Sometimes life throws a little something in the mix , which is where I come into play . I am not sure what I am anymore , just what I like to be . I have chosen to look the way I do , because it is the only me I know . I deal with things in my own way , being a Shemale and living where I live , has been a real challenge for me . I was one of a kind when I came out here 30 years ago , and walked out into public for the first time here . You should have been there . I was working in a panty factory , and I was in charge of the shipping . I had to deal with a lot of people , like truck drivers and their Bosses . It was quite a shock to most of them , because they had only heard of someone like me . Then , some didn 't know what I was . They tried so hard to fire me , but knew that might be a mistake on their part . I was alone , and had no one to help me , or stand with me . The more I tried to get help , the more BS I had to deal with . So now this is how I will deal with this . I am feeling somewhat down , I hurt so bad that it is hard just for me to sit here . I have taken my meds because I need to try and stay alive just a little longer ; I believe that Your God keeps me here , as to show you the way . I feel that I am paying for the things that I have done wrong in my life . It is like I am living my Hell here on earth . This girl and I lived together and shared a life for 5 years then things changed and I found myself dealing with someone else in my life . That was when Bobbie Jean was born and she became part of my life . My girlfriend said that she could see that something was wrong and that she was going to help me . She got me some new clothes and showed me what it was like to dress as a woman and I loved the feeling that I got from doing this and realized that I was there all the time , now I was free and I love becoming Bobbie Jean and she was becoming part of who I am here today . The problem was to dress like that I was not allowed out of our home , not for any reason at all . After two years of never going anywhere and just being at home cleaning and cooking and taking care of my son which was only 3 years old and he called me Mom , because he never saw her anymore . She wanted to work and when she came home . The boy was to be in bed and her food on the table . She would make me serve her and when she was done , she demanded a drink with some music so I could dance for her and then we would make love , her as a male using me as a female . Making me happy for that time , yet I wanted out , I wanted to go out in public . I begged her to take me some where just to sit and drink a cup of coffee , I needed to bloom and show my true colors , then the shit hit the fan when I ran away and went out in public dressed up . Life changed that day for me , now she did not want me anymore , I had become an embarrassment to her now , I could not dress anymore I was shut down . The next 5 years where like a nightmare straight from Hell and I was in the middle of it all . I had become her ticket to a check , because she wanted to prove that I was Crazy . After checking me out and finding that the only thing that was wrong with me was that I was a woman born in a man 's body and needed to be set free , there was nothing crazy about that . When they told her that , then she no longer needed me , so I had to go . Five years of being called names and treated like a piece of shit , I finally found the strength that I needed to walk away from her . Bobbie Jean stood up and said that there was no more of that man left in her and it was over between them . I started my life as it is today , I stopped dressing as a man that day and I have never dressed like that again Bobbie Jean Chiasson and I am very proud to be her . I have won my life , yet why am I not a Happy Camper , as Madame Jacqueline would say . Life is real here today . I have shut down her true colors , so I am no better than the girlfriend that hurt me so , now I hurt her and I am wrong for trying to control what she does or thinks , she is a beautiful creature and I am truly blessed to have her here with me . Only thing is that maybe she does not want to be here . She cares more for me than she does her own life that is called love . That is called a friend , called a Human being , because she has put my life above her own , she is I my true Angel and she is the Love of my life . My life is coming to an end and all I can do now is see if there is some way to show her that I was wrong and that I am truly sorry for what I did and that I will be glad when that day comes and I can set her Free so she can fly like an Angel . I will miss her when I am gone , I can only hope that she remembers some of the good times together , because I will never forget her . I mean my younger brother and me . He was 2 years younger than I was , so I had to look after him as well as myself . In the first home I can remember moving in the country with two old people and being only 5 there are a few thing that I can remember like one day my mother came to see us there at the home and when she left I was holding on to the handle of the car , but she would not stop and she backed out the driveway with me crying and begging her not to leave us there and she was dragging me in the dirt , but would not stop and I finely fell off the side of the car in the dirt . everywhere ; I ran to the house as fast as I could , the old people stripped off my shirt and pants and tried to get all the bees off of me , but I had been stung so many times that I was getting sick real bad . I started throwing up and it was coming out of the other end just as fast , so they rushed me to the nearest doctor 's office and then all I can remember at that point was blacking out and I lost two years of my life because I don 't remember anything until two years later . When I finely started to remember anything again I was now 7 years old and I was in a school and I don 't remember how or where I was living , or where I had been living for the past two years of my life . Things were not the same anymore ; I didn 't know where I was or where I was living anymore . I don 't even know if my little brother was with me anymore . I do remember being at a hospital a lot , for like six months to a year or so . I remember the school because there was a little boy there that had no arms like us , they were still in his body so he had to write with his feet , and he was pretty good at it . He could color or eat with a fork just like the rest of us , but that is all I can remember about that time in my life . I don 't remember anything until I was in another home and my brother was back in my life , but we were only there for two or three weeks before we were moved again . I then remember moving to a place that again was out in the country next to the Miss . River , it was so close that we could walk to the river . The old people owned a country store and they took in kids for the money , and I say for the money because they sure didn 't spend it on us . We lived there for about two years and the only thing that she would cook for my brother and I was potatoes , that was all we would get , never any meat or anything else , just potatoes . A couple of times she baked a cornbread for us , but we couldn 't have anything with it . It had been a long time since we had a cornbread , so I asked her if she would cook us one , well she got mad and cooked seven and made us eat all of them with nothing to put on them or to drink with , so we never asked again , we just eat the potatoes from that time on . After about a year we were there , they had a old black lady lived in a old shack next to us , well that 's where we were put . You could see through the wall because all there were was boards and you could see between them . There was no heat or water , no bathroom , nothing but an old bed where we had to sleep , the old lady had died in that damn bed . They had a son , he was about 17 or so , he would take us to the river and put us in a little wooden boat and he would sit on the bank with a gun and make us catch any kind of snakes he could see , and I mean any kind . We would have to put the boat under where the snake was sunning and we would try to get them in a sack , but sometimes it would land in the boat , so we would get to shore before it would bite one of us . He would keep all kinds of snakes because , I just think he was nuts in the heads if you know what I mean . I told the lady that I was not coming back into the yard until there was a welfare worker sitting there . The next day there was one and all she told us was that we were bad kids and they would have to put us in a reform school till we were 17 years old and I tried to tell her the truth about everything but she did not believe me . She asked me to give her a couple of days to see what she could and I told her yes , that I would wait for her to try and find us someplace else to go and live . Well she did . One day she just made me sit down with her so I would talk to her . She knew that something was wrong with us , because we just didn 't act like other kids would . So I just started telling her all about the last two years of our lives and the things that were done to us and the way we were treated . When she heard all this she knew then why we were always so quiet , never doing or saying anything that might get us in trouble with them . She called the welfare worker to come back out there and made her tell us that we were not bad kids and what had happen was not our fault . We would not be put in a reform school . The case worker now had to look into the problem , because the lady filed a complaint against the other foster parent . Come to find out there was a little girl where we were now staying , she had lived there to , but she was only 1 years old and had never been taken out of the baby bed and was bald on the back of her little head and was about to die , because she had not gotten the right kind of milk . So they had to give her sol - milk so that she could live . Now that the worker had a case against this lady , they could charge her with taking in the money and abusing those children that had lived there . The welfare had to close down the home and the boy was charged with child abuse and was put in prison . She had to pay back all the money she had gotten and could never have any foster kids again . So what I did when I told the truth was a good thing and helped many other kids not to have to surfer living there with those people . I will say that we had a good life for the next 6 years I lived there , till I moved on , but my little brother stayed there till he got married and then move away . It was good there , we had our own cows and earned some money to help us buy little things that we needed and to just save up for when we got ready to move on with our lives . Till this day I will always remember them for what they gave to us and helped us become who we are now . They raised over 30 kids that I knew of , and some I didn 't get to meet . They were really good people with a big heart just wanting to help kids because they could never have any of their own . Let me talk a little about being a web model . It is a real fun thing to do if you like it . We had a place where we went online and we were in our own bedroom and people are allowed to come in and share with us . We tried to have fun and kept things in an orderly way , sometimes it can get out of hand , but we try to just let it go . After all it is just that , a game we play . We love to tease the guys , and they like it to . Sometimes we can laugh and play . We always try to look our best and post new pictures , just sometimes we get so tied up , that we don 't get the time . We both have to be in the right frame of mind for all this to work out right , boy that can be a real hooter sometimes . As we walk through our lives , we never think about some of things that we 've changed along the way . We just don 't think about it and sometimes we find ourselves trying to change some of the people in our lives as well . Not wanting to , or even meaning to , we do , or say things that make a difference in their life . I know how hard it must be for them to deal with something 's that are going on with them and as they try to work together to hold on to what they had found in each other to began with and not lose that love . Love is a strong word and there are so many reasons that people use it . ( I love because you are wonderful , yet I need to change you to be what I want . ) Is that true love , or is that just someone that thinks they 're in love . I know that I am not that perfect person , nor do I claim to be a writer . I just know I write what I feel and what is in my mind . My heart leads the way . Time pasted on and then things began to start happening around her . People were beginning to change and they were making remarks about her as she walked in the stores and did her shopping . As time went by , the guys started to come on to her , and she was afraid that one of them would get too close to her and find out , so she did her best not to let them into her life . That was becoming harder for her to do , she found herself needing the company of a man . It had been over two years now since her last affair and was getting the needs really bad . But knowing what could happen , if just one of the wrong people found out . This is hard for me , because she was very close to me and I loved her so much . She was brave and stood up to anyone that didn 't like others because of how they were . It was real late one evening and she was driving home from an auction , where they sold old things , like junk you would use around your home and just want to hang on to . She went there a couple of times a week and just liked to visit with people and try to make friends , There were some good people there and then there were those that she just didn 't talk to at all . Well anyway it was late like I said and she had a long way to drive and when I say a long way , 20 miles here where we live is a long way when you are driving through areas where there are no homes . About five miles from her home , that was the worst place of all and it was in the dead zone . Her car starting acting funny and then it stopped , she tried hard to get it going and just could not get it to start again . This was not good , because it was Friday night and very late out . She did everything she could do and there was nothing , so now the only thing was to try and lock herself down and pray that the right kind of help got there first . It was very dark out and she was getting really afraid of what might happen . Well it happens … . There was this old truck that stopped out in front of her and two guys got out of it , walking back toward her car , and just cussing and raising hell about something . All she knew was that that were drunk and this surely was not good . They walked up to the car door and starting trying to get inside , when they saw her laying down in the back seat trying to hide , they yelled at her to open the door and said that they would not hurt her , That just wasn 't going to be good . One of the guys picked up something and broke the window , now it was on . There was no turning back , no help in sight and all hell was fixing to happen . I am going to be a little slow about getting into this story about my friend . As I said it is hard on me to tell this , because we are so close to each other . There are times when we are like two peas in a pod . I was at the time when the two guys had just found her in the back seat , trying to hide from them . They broke out the window and got to the door knob to open it . She tried hard to hold it and not let them get in , just did not have the strength it would take . She was really scared and there was nothing she could She had seen guys like this before and sometimes they were not too nice to her , now she is in their hands and they are at their worst , have you ever seen two drunk rednecks ? To them they ruled the world and anything in it . One of the guys reached in the car and graded her arm and starting putting her out of the car now , and she tried to hold on to the door , but he was too strong for her to fight against . He pushed her up against the car and just kind of held her there for a minute or two , just looking at her with a puzzled face . He then say to the other guy , I think you need to check this bitch out , he wasn 't sure what he was looking at , I think this might be a guy , he said to his friend , the other guy says no way , this is a girl , then he reached down and graded her privates and oh my God , he just jumped back and say holy shit , it is a guy . Now she was really afraid of them , they got pissed off because they wanted a girl . The one that knew first asked the other guy , what were they going to do now ? The second guy just says we are going to give this bitch just what she is looking for . A good screwing . And we are going to make it hurt or make her like it , one of the two . She was wear a short skirt and one of the guys reached up and just tore her panties off of her showing her ass now . She beg them not to hurt her , and told them that she would do what they asked , just to try to keep them from harming her worst then they wanted to . But that was like talking to the truck , because they were not listening to what she was saying , just wanted to show her that they could do what they wanted to do , and that is what happen next , the first guy shoved his hard rock cock up inside her and just shoved deep and hard , not caring if it hurt her or not . He forced himself onto her till he cum all up inside her , making her scream with pain as he shoved deep , hurting her . Then turned to the friend and told him , it was his turn to take her , but he had other plans for that . He said he wanted this bitch to feel the real pain of what it would be like being a woman raped by two guys . There were some beer bottles laying there and he reached out and got one , then using it to shove up inside her , forcing it all the way into her , then forcefully shoving it in and out of her as fast as he could go , she was screaming , begging him please to stop , but he would not . He tells his friend that he wants to get him some head , so he jumps up on the truck and tells him to take over with the bottle and have fun , now they are giving it to her at both ends and they are not cutting her any slack , she is in real pain and cannot take much more . The night is passing and they are getting tried now , so they feel the need to want to hurt her bad , thinking that this would change her mind about being a Shemale . They turn her over facing them and she is just laying back , hurt , exhausted and in real pain , One of them tells her that he should just cut off her dick and shove it right in her mouth , but then she would just die and nothing would be learnt from it , so to teach her a lesson he just wanted to see how bad he could hurt her . Kneeing her in the groan , bring her to her knees , then kneeing her in the face , He picks her up just to do it again , and again , her face was swollen and red with her blood . She could not stand , yet would not give in , she was beaten and torn , and all she could do was pray for God to let this end . Lying there , falling in and out of consciousness , she realized that they had gone and she was lying naked on the ground . With the little strength she could pull together , she managed to get to her car and wrapped herself up in an old blanket , as she pasted out . The sun was up now , when she tried to open her eyes , blood still flowing over them . Not sure what time it was , and really not caring , she tried to start the car , but it would not start . So here she was beaten and no way to get help , she had but one last chance . There was an old friend of hers that lived up the road , about 30 miles from where she was , hoping that her phone would work , she dialed his number and thank God he answered it . All she had to do was say please come help me , and tell him where she was . He was there in a half hour , not knowing what had happen , when he saw her , he just had to take her in his arms and try to let her know that he was there for her . That everything would be ok now . He wanted to take her to the hospital , but she would not let him . She says that if he did , then she would have to deal with the cops and God knows who else . She just wanted him to help her get home . He would not take her home alone , he brought her to his home where he cleaned her up and tried to see just how bad all this was . She had been beaten , but there was no sign of needing to go the hospital , but she needs a doctor . After the doctor checked her out and fixed up the worst spots , he said that she was lucky , because it could have been a lot worst . About the beer bottle ? He told her that she would feel some real pain for a couple days , because he had to remove it the best he could . They had shoved it all the way inside of her . She was hurting so bad that she had not even notice it . He said that he had to cut her open a little to help him get it out , but she would heal up and be ok . With some cuts and bruises she just wanted to get home . She needed to rest and think about all this . She talked with her friend and said that it was best just to let it go . You see no good could come out of bringing in the law , because it would just be her fault anyway . Maybe it was best to hide it from everyone , so he did just that for her . He got her car home and got it fixed . He did everything that she needed of him ; till she felt that she could deal with the public again . It took a few weeks , but she did it and it was time to move on to a new place , away from there , and the bad memories of that night . Today she thanks God for being there with her , and knows that if he had not been , things would have been worst for her . He gave her the strength to live . She has become a stronger and hopefully a better person from all this . Maybe , just maybe the friend and I are one in the same . Maybe this was the only way I could tell my story . Maybe this was the only way I could deal with this pain . Maybe I had to deal with this pain too long by myself . I want to say that I love you Jackie and I thank you for being in my life . I have noticed these past few days how you have come to me , giving me of yourself . I don 't want you to change my love , be yourself , find yourself , just give yourself to me and let me hold you as you have held me . I am going to try to control my life and not worry about someone else , I know I don 't like it when someone thinks they can control me , sorry that will only last for so long , and then it 's done . I will only stand for so much . When I say I have had enough it will be too late for anything else . I was so worried about dying alone that I believe I would have tried to be happy with anyone , well I know now that anyone just will not do . Besides if you have true friends then you are never alone . Being Passable Every day I try hard to deal with many things in my life . Today I would like to talk about ( Being Passable ) . That is what Transgenders try hard to do and some pay big money to try and make that happen . I used to always worry about someone knowing what I was , male or female , and I thought that it would be better if I could pass as a women . I live here in The South , in a place called Albany , Ga . There are not but a handful of Transgender people that will walk out in public here . I have learned that the truth is always the best way to show myself . If it gets to that point , I will then ask this gentleman if he knows just what I am . I do not want to lie to someone or to show myself off as anything other than what I am , I am A Shemale / Transgender and I am proud of myself for getting this far in life . I have found that it is not a matter of whether or not I am passable , the truth is I am just a man in a dress to the most of you , and there is nothing I can do about that . I have come to love myself , as I am . I am not a man any more ; I have crossed the line of no turning back . I can never go in public without a top on , that 's for sure . Jacqueline and I went to town today and had to get some food , we just needed to get out for a few . She looked real nice today with her brown outfit on . She is so lovely , sometimes I find myself just watching her . She is so much a lady , if I were a man ; she would most surely be my woman . She has this natural look about her that she could pass as a woman , but she does not see things the way I do , she has not had to deal with all the hate that I have had to deal with over the 30 years I have been dressing like this , I know that I am not always passable , but I know that I am Beautiful . I think I have about eight or ten brothers and sisters somewhere , if not dead . I only met three of them in my life . I remember meeting my grandparents one day because I remember that they could not speak one word of English , and I damn sure did not have a clue to what they were saying . So I did not know my family like you had a chance to . So there was no one there to wish me a happy birthday like you . I have three children out there somewhere . I do hope that all is well for them , my daughter is 43 years old and the last time we spoke was when she was 16 , because I choose my life she walked out then . I have a son that is somewhere around 35 now and the last time I talked to him was when I told him that if I ever caught him gay bashing , I would kill him myself . Those were the last words between us . I had one more , and I really thought that this would be the one , my pride and joy . I was his mother for the first part of his life , giving him all the love I could . The last time we talked was when he came to me and needed a place to stay , and then he started taking and taking until I would not give anymore . When I asked him what he wanted from me , he told me . Because he blamed me for him being called gay , I owed him something . This boy had been getting a check from my SS for ten years and he did not know that because his mother was stealing it from him , but I owed him . He is now 20 years old so for that I have missed out on the father 's day thing , only wish I had a chance to enjoy them sometime , like you do . My friend Madame Jacqueline is doing just great as for being a friend , yet I cannot help but feel that I am hurting her as well as myself . Because of me , she has not had a chance to get a gig . I cannot help but feel that because of me things will get rough around here . I called the People that are suppose to help people like me to live on our own , so that we can still feel like part of something . I asked if there was a program that would help me pay for help , so I could live at home and not in a home . She told me that the only thing that she could do was to have someone come to me three days a week to help me get dressed and cook for me , help me to clean , but I would have to give them 260 . 00 dollars out of my SS which is only 850 . 00 and as for me not being able to drive . I would have to sit at where ever I had to go till the van came back to get me . It 's like I worked and I paid and I work some more for what . Oh , they will not come if someone else is living with me , get that . So I thought about a nursing home , I need to be thinking about these things because they look like they could be part of my future . Anyway , If I need to go there , they will take everything that is in my name away from me , and I will not be allow to have anything like a PC or anything else , They will take my van , anything in my checking account and my check every month . I will have nothing . There goes my freedom . I have decided that things will change for us , I am not putting out my signs or any photos of us , We are going out there to sell whatever we can , because we have no choice , I will not let anyone ever stop me from doing what I want to do or saying what I want to say , But I will also forgive anyone that thinks they are better than me or Madame . I will forgive any fool that thinks he has the right to call us or any one like us names , I will forgive the asshole that thinks he is God . Because I am better than that , I am better than any of them . We will go and set up with our junk and if you come by fine , if you don 't you lose , not me , I am One of the most interesting people I know . I can tell you a story and you will not know what is real . God give me a Brain to use as I see fit . It is the only thing that I can control and I need help with that . I believe that God has chosen people like me to carry that cross that has become our burden , We are all now expected to live up to Gods way . Man has changed the Holly Words to make you believe what they want you to believe . There were no words written by God , but by Man . I do not use the word as to say that God is a man ; God is our voices , our cries , our sadness and pain . God is our love and understanding , we are all part of what God is , but to have Good there must be evil , I am that evil here , that hatred , that hurting and that pain , You cannot hide , because I am everywhere . The fear that I put into your head brings your God closer to your heart , I cannot change the things that I have done , but I can change the way I feel about myself . I have never before been so afraid of death than I am right now . Because I was not allowed to walk into the House of your God , I feel that I am dammed for Hell . Now that you have walked in my secret garden and touched my deepest soul I still have a lot of stories to be told , as you can see you are no better than me , you may choose to think so . But in your heart you really know . We are the same , all I have done is changed my name . I write for those that can write no more Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
It all started when I was 6 years old . While I was playing outside near my house in California , I met a boy . He was an average kind of boy who teased you and then you chased him and beat him up . After that first meeting in which I beat him up we kept on meeting and beating each other up at the fence . That only lasted for a little while though . We would meet at the fence all the time and we were always together . I would tell him all my secrets . He was very quiet - he would just listen to what I had to say . I found him easy to talk to and I could talk to him about everything . In school we had separate friends but when we got home we would always talk about what happened in school . One day I said to him that a guy I liked hurt me and broke my heart . He just comforted me and said everything would be okay . He gave me words of encouragement and helped me get over that guy . I was happy and thought of him as a real friend . But I knew that there was something else about him that I liked . I thought of it that night and figured it was just a friend kind of thing that I was feeling . On graduation night even though we had different dates to the prom , I wanted to be with him . That night after everybody went home , I went to his house and wanted to tell him that I wanted to see him . Well , that night was my big chance and all I did was just sit there with him watching the stars and talking about what I was going to do and what he was going to do . I looked into his eyes and listened to him talk about what his dream was . How he wanted to get married and settle down . He said how he wanted to be rich and successful . All I could do was to tell him my dream and cuddle next to him . I went home hurting because I didn 't tell him how I was feeling . I wanted to tell him so bad that I loved him but I was too scared and frightened . I let my feelings go and told myself that someday I would tell him just how I felt . All through college I wanted to tell him but he always had someone with him . After graduation he got a job in New York ; I was happy for him but at the same time I was sad to see him go . I was sad also because I didn 't tell him how I felt . But I couldn 't let him know now that he was leaving for his big job . So I just kept it to myself and watched him go on the plane . I cried as I hugged him for what I felt was going to be the last time . I went home that night and cried my eyes out . I felt hurt that I didn 't tell him what I had inside my heart . Well , I got a job as a secretary and then worked my way to a financial analyst . I was proud of what I had accomplished . Then one day I got a letter with an invitation to a wedding . It was from him ; I was happy and sad at the same time . Now I knew that I could never be with him and that we could only be friends . I went to the wedding the next month . It was a big occasion . It was a big church wedding with the reception at a hotel . I met the bride and of course I talked to him too . I fell in love one more time . But I held back so it wouldn 't spoil what should be the happiest day in his life . I tried to have fun that night but it was killing me inside watching him being so happy and me trying to be happy covering up my sadness tears inside of me . I left New York feeling that I did the right thing . But before I left on the flight , he came running out of nowhere and said his good - byes and how he was very happy to see me . I came home and just tried to forget about what went on in New York . I had to go on with my life . As the years went on , we wrote to each other on what was going on and how he had missed talking to me . On one occasion he never wrote back to me at all . I was getting worried as to why he hadn 't written anything for a long time after I had already written 6 letters to him . Well , just when everything seemed hopeless and sad in my life , I got a note that said : " Meet me at the fence where we used to talk about things " . I went and saw him there . I was happy to see him , but he was broken - hearted and sad inside . We hugged until we couldn 't breathe anymore . Then he told me about the divorce and why he hadn 't written for a long time . He cried until he couldn 't cry anymore . Finally , we went back to my house and talked and laughed about what I had been doing and to catch up on old times . But in all of this , I couldn 't tell him how I felt about him . In the days that followed , he had fun and forgot about all his problem and his divorce . I fell in love again with him . When it came time for him to head back to New York , I went to see him off and cried . I hated to see him leave . He promised to see me every time he could get a vacation . I couldn 't wait for him to come so I could be with him . We would always have fun when we were together . One day he didn 't show up like he said he would . I figured that he might have been busy . The days turned into months and I just forgot about it . Then I got a call one day from a lawyer in New York . The lawyer said that my friend had died in a car accident going to the airport , and that it took this long to get everything settled . It broke my heart . I was shocked about what took place . Now I knew why he didn 't come that day . Again , I was broken - hearted . I cried that night , cried tears of sadness and heartache . I asked questions : " Why did this happen to a kind guy like him ? " I gathered my things and went to New York for the reading of his will . Of course , things were given to his family and his ex - wife . I finally got to meet her since the last time we met at the wedding . She explained to me how he was and how he always provided . But he was always unhappy . She would always try everything but she couldn 't get him happy , as he was that night at their wedding . When the will was read , the one thing that was given to me was a diary . It was a dairy of his life . I cried as it was given to me . I didn 't know what to think . Why was this given to me ? I took it and flew back to California . On the plane , I remembered the good times that we had together . I started reading the diary and what was written . The diary started with the day we first met . I read on till I started to cry . The diary told of him saying that he had fallen in love with me that day I was broken - hearted . But he was too afraid to tell me what he had felt . That is why he was so quiet and liked to listen to me . It told of how he wanted to tell me so many times , but was too afraid to say anything . It told of when he went to New York and fell in love with another . How the happiest time he had was seeing me and dancing with me at the wedding . He said he imagined it was our wedding . How he was always unhappy till he had no choice but to divorce his wife . How the best time in his life was to read the letters written to him by me . Finally , the diary ended when it said , " today I will tell her I love her " . It was the day he was killed . The day I was going to finally find out what was really in his heart . . . Some of the king 's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it . Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear , but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way . Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables . On approaching the boulder , the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road . After much pushing and straining , he finally succeeded . As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables , he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been . The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway . " My friends , you have all learned a very valuable lesson . No matter what I did to the money , you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value . It was still worth $ 20 . Many times in our lives , we are dropped , crumpled , and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way . One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah ben Yehoyada , his most trusted minister . He said to him , " Benaiah , there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me . I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it . " " It has magic powers , " answered the king . " If a happy man looks at it , he becomes sad , and if a sad man looks at it , he becomes happy . " Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world , but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility . Spring passed and then summer , and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring . On the night before Sukkot , he decided to take a walk in one of he poorest quarters of Jerusalem . He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day 's wares on a shabby carpet . " Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken - hearted wearer forget his sorrows ? " asked Benaiah . That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity . " Well , my friend , " said Solomon , " have you found what I sent you after ? " All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled . To everyone 's surprise , Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared , " Here it is , your majesty ! " As soon as Solomon read the inscription , the smile vanished from his face . The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band : " gimel , zayin , yud " , which began the words " Gam zeh ya ' avor " -- " This too shall pass . " Several years ago , a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband 's employer 's home . My friend , Arlene , was nervous about the weekend . The boss was very wealthy , with a fine home on the waterway , and cars costing more than her house . The first day and evening went well , and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live . The husband 's employer was quite generous as a host , and took them to the finest restaurants . Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again , so was enjoying herself immensely . He stopped suddenly , looking down on the pavement for a long , silent moment . Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him . There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped , and a few cigarette butts . Still silent , the man reached down and picked up the penny . He held it up and smiled , then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure . How absurd ! What need did this man have for a single penny ? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up ? Throughout dinner , the entire scene nagged at her . A smile crept across the man 's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see . She had seen many pennies before ! What was the point of this ? " And if I trust in God , the name of God is holy , even on a coin . Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription . It is written on every single United States coin , but we never seem to notice it ! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him ? Who am I to pass it by ? When I see a coin , I pray , I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment . I pick the coin up as a response to God ; that I do trust in Him . For a short time , at least , I cherish it as if it were gold . I think it is God 's way of starting a conversation with me . Lucky for me , God is patient and pennies are plentiful ! When I was out shopping today , I found a penny on the sidewalk . I stopped and picked it up , and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change . I read the words , " In God We Trust , " and had to laugh . Yes , God , I get the message . It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months , but then , pennies are plentiful ! As Graduation Day approached , the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car . Finally , on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study . His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son , and told him how much he loved him . He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box . He had a beautiful home and wonderful family , but realized his father was very old , and thought perhaps he should go to him . He had not seen him since that graduation day . Before he could make arrangements , he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away , and willed all of his possessions to his son . He needed to come home immediately and take care things . When he arrived at his father 's house , sudden sadness and regret filled his heart . He began to search his father 's important papers and saw the still new Bible , just as he had left it years ago . With tears , he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages . As he read those words , a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible . It had a tag with the dealer 's name , the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired . On the tag was the date of his graduation , and the words . . . PAID IN FULL . Mahatma Gandhi went from city to city , village to village collecting funds for the Charkha Sangh . During one of his tours he addressed a meeting in Orissa . After his speech a poor old woman got up . She was bent with age , her hair was grey and her clothes were in tatters . The volunteers tried to stop her , but she fought her way to the place where Gandhiji was sitting . " I must see him , " she insisted and going up to Gandhiji touched his feet . Then from the folds of her sari she brought out a copper coin and placed it at his feet . Gandhiji picked up the copper coin and put it away carefully . The Charkha Sangh funds were under the charge of Jamnalal Bajaj . He asked Gandhiji for the coin but Gandhiji refused . " I keep cheques worth thousands of rupees for the Charkha Sangh , " Jamnalal Bajaj said laughingly " yet you won 't trust me with a copper coin . " " This copper coin is worth much more than those thousands , " Gandhiji said . " If a man has several lakhs and he gives away a thousand or two , it doesn 't mean much . But this coin was perhaps all that the poor woman possessed . She gave me all she had . That was very generous of her . What a great sacrifice she made . That is why I value this copper coin more than a crore of rupees . " Two men , both seriously ill , occupied the same hospital room . One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour a day to drain the fluids from his lungs . His bed was next to the room 's only window . The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back . The men talked for hours on end . They spoke of their wives and families , their homes , their jobs , their involvement in the military service , where they had been on vacation . And every afternoon when the man in the bed next to the window could sit up , he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window . The man in the other bed would live for those one - hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the outside world . The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake , the man had said . Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats . Lovers walked arm in arm amid flowers of every color of the rainbow . Grand old trees graced the landscape , and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance . As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail , the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene . One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by . Although the other man could not hear the band , he could see it in his mind 's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words . Unexpectedly , an alien thought entered his head : Why should hehave all the pleasure of seeing everything while I never get to see anything ? It didn 't seem fair . As the thought fermented , the man felt ashamed at first . But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights , his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour . He began to brood and found himself unable to sleep . He should be by that window - and that thought now controlled his life . Late one night , as he lay staring at the ceiling , the man by the window began to cough . He was choking on the fluid in his lungs . The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help . Listening from across the room , he never moved , never pushed his own button which would have brought the nurse running . In less than five minutes , the coughing and choking stopped , along with the sound of breathing . Now , there was only silence - - deathly silence . The following morning , the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths . When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window , she was saddened and called the hospital attendant to take it away - - no words , no fuss . As soon as it seemed appropriate , the man asked if he could be moved next to the window . The nurse was happy to make the switch and after making sure he was comfortable , she left him alone . Slowly , painfully , he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look . Finally , he would have the joy of seeing it all himself . He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed . It faced a blank wall . The pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice . . . it is a positive attitude we consciously choose to express . It is not a gift that gets delivered to our doorstep each morning , nor does it come through the window . And I am certain that our circumstances are just a small part of what makes us joyful . If we wait for them to get just right , we will never find lasting joy . The pursuit of happiness is an inward journey . Our minds are like programs , awaiting the code that will determine behaviors ; like bank vaults awaiting our deposits . If we regularly deposit positive , encouraging , and uplifting thoughts , if we continue to bite our lips just before we begin to grumble and complain , if we shoot down that seemingly harmless negative thought as it germinates , we will find that there is much to rejoice about . Hello , A few days ago I talked / posted about Priyanka Chopra 's new and upcoming movie , What 's Your Rashee ? with actor Hurman Baweja and directed by Ashutosh Gowarikar . Well , in the movie Priyanka Chopra plays twelve different roles , one for each Rashee ( Sun Sign ) . Apparently no other actress has performed so many roles in one movie and she has made a world record . Also , this movie would be more than 3 hours long and would have 13 songs . Best of luck , Priyanka Chopra ! May God be with you ! ! And now here are the wallpapers for the movie . Hope you like them . Don 't forget to leave comments . Flower In The Desert by Loki This happened many many summers ago . There was a young flower in the desert where all was dry and sad looking . . . It was growing by itself . . . enjoying every day . . . and saying to the sun " When shall I be grown up " ? And the sun would say " Be patient " - - - Each time I touch you , you grow a little " . . . And she was so pleased . Because she would have a chance to bring beauty to this corner of sand . . . And this is all she wanted to do - - - bring a little bit of beauty to this world . One day the hunter came by - - - and stepped on her . - - - She was going to die - - - and she felt so sad . Not because she was dying - - - but because she would not have a chance to bring a little bit of beauty to this corner of the desert . The great spirit saw her , and was listening . - - - Indeed , he said . . . She should be living . . . And he reached down and touched her - - - and gave her life . And she grew up to be a beautiful flower . . . and this corner of the desert became so beautiful because of her . A disciple and his teacher were walking through the forest . The disciple was disturbed by the fact that his mind was in constant unrest . He asked his teacher , " Why most people 's minds are restless , and only a few possess a calm mind ? What can one do to still the mind ? " The teacher looked at the disciple , smiled and said , " I will tell you a story . An elephant was standing and picking leaves from a tree . A small fly came , flying and buzzing near his ear . The elephant waved it away with his long ears . Then the fly came again , and the elephant waved it away once more . " This was repeated several times . Then the elephant asked the fly , " Why are you so restless and noisy ? Why can 't you stay for a while in one place ? " The fly answered : " I am attracted to whatever I see , hear or smell . My five senses pull me constantly in all directions and I cannot resist them . What is your secret ? How can you stay so calm and still ? " The elephant stopped eating and said , " My five senses do not rule my attention . Whatever I do , I get immersed in it . Now that I am eating , I am completely immersed in eating . In this way I can enjoy my food and chew it better . I rule and control my attention , and not the other way around . " Upon hearing these words , the disciple 's eyes opened wide and a smile appeared on his face . He looked at his teacher and said , " I understand ! If my five senses are in control of my mind and attention , then my mind is in constant unrest . If I am in charge of my five senses and attention , then my mind becomes calm . " " Yes , that 's right " , answered the teacher , " The mind is restless and goes wherever the attention is . Control your attention , and you control your mind . " A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said , " Let 's talk . . I 've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger . " The little girl , who had just opened her book , closed it slowly and said to the stranger , " What would you like to talk about ? " " Oh , I don 't know , " said the stranger . " How about nuclear power ? " and he smiles . " OK , " she said . " That could be an interesting topic . But let me ask you a question first . A horse , a cow , and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets , while a cow turns out a flat patty , and a horse produces clumps of dried grass . Why do you suppose that is ? " The stranger , visibly surprised by the little girl 's intelligence , thinks about it and says , " Hmmm , I have no idea . . . . . " To which the little girl replies , " Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don 't know shit ? " |
Monday morning came sooner than usual for me . I didn 't like getting new clients because that meant the child had suffered some kind of trauma in their lives . However , I wouldn 't have chosen this career to not get any work . I was hear to help my clients . So I arrived at the office early to read over the client file . Stephanie . Age 17 . Lost her virginity to rape at 12 by two neighborhood boys . She was also abused physically by her father . The father was in counseling . Her rapist disappeared after her parents confronted the boy 's parents . The last incident with her father was the most recent . This was going to be a difficult one . I read through all the notes . Stephanie 's mother didn 't leave the father after the details of the abuse came out . Stephanie had been seeing a boy older than her and he was in the house when the father got home . Stephanie told the police that she hadn 't had sex with the boy " yet " and her father came in and ran the guy outside . The father went back in her room while she was half dressed and made her take her clothes off . He told her to lay down on the bed and he touched her breast . He then asked her what she was going to do with a boy that size and then put his fingers between her legs touching her private part . He then said to her , " you don 't even have a smell yet . " I wasn 't quite sure what that meant but that 's what Stephanie had in her report . He then made her lay back down and he took his penis out and put it on her . Then he put the head of his penis on her private part . When she started asking why he was doing that to her and crying he stopped , pulled up his pants , and left her in the room humiliated and confused . This happened when she was 14 . The last incident by her father happened as a result of what Stephanie reported as a lie spread by someone in school she didn 't like . The girl she didn 't like had written her phone number on the boy 's bathroom wall . She wasn 't allowed to have boys calling her at home . Boys started calling her house phone asking forPosted by I unlocked my apartment door and for some reason I looked inside first . I didn 't see anything unusual . I guess I was still spooked about the calls the other day . After talking to Officer Moses , I decided to go home instead of back to my parent house . No one out of the ordinary had used the telephone booth after I received the last call so the Officer Moses thought it was just a prank caller . I hoped so . I took my clothes off and put on my pajamas . I would take a shower later . I just wanted to sit down . I turned the television on and let the television watch me as I thought about Jessica and Diego . Diego was definitely a nice looking man . I 'm sure he was taking care of her financially . That 's the kind of man he was . He could definitely afford it . I wonder how they met ? Car dealer ! Ha ! Jessica 's heart was fragile . She had been hurt way too many times . Now that she knew the risks , her heart would be even more vested . That 's the way her heart worked . It didn 't listen to instincts . It only listened to the conscious that kept whispering in her ear to do it no matter what your instincts say . Like the devil and the angel in the movies that sit on each shoulder . The angel tried to sympathize and help you make the right safe decision . Then you had the devil , contradicting everything the angel said and made you see the benefits in taking risks and possibly heartache just for a few moments of short - term pleasure and satisfaction . My thoughts were interrupted by a scratching sound and smiled . Walking over to the window , I opened the curtains to see my friend , fat cat . This time he had a tag on him . I looked at the tag - Sammy . His name was Sammy . It fit him perfectly . I opened the window to greet my little friend . He must have went missing enough times for his owner to put a tag on him . He lived down the block . Not too far away . At least I knew now where he was from . Fat cat went to the kitchen again in search of milk . I had left his bowl on the floor and I poured fresh milk in it . He drank like a kid in a candy stor " Oh please come in for a moment . Would you like some tea , " she asked walking towards the back of the house . For some reason I decided to follow . There were pictures on the wall of her and a man . I figured the man was her husband . Handsome guy . He looked familiar . " My husband passed away two years ago , " she said reading my thoughts . " Do you like herbal , green , or regular tea ? " " Green tea is fine . " I sat down at the table . The kitchen was huge with an island in the front . I had always liked that feature . As I looked around , Sammy jumped in my lap . I rubbed him and he resumed his purring routine . She brought me over a hot glass of tea and sat down across from me . " Thank you again for bringing him home , " she said looking down at Sammy . " He is such a sweet cat , " I praised . We sat and talked for what seemed an hour . I got up to leave and she asked me my name . We had been talking this long and we hadn 't even introduced ourselves . I apologized and told her my name . " Toni . That fits you . My name is Regina Moses . " I looked at her . I was full of coincidences today . It couldn 't be . " Do you have twins ? " Her face lit up . " Yes I do ! How did you know that ? " I laughed . Well I 'll be damned . " I know your son and daughter I believe . " " Oh wonderful ! Sean and Steve are actually on their way ! " As she said it , I heard the front door open . I whirled around and saw Sean heading my way . Well I 'll be doubled damn . Sean stopped in her tracks when she saw me . I suddenly felt conscious standing in her mother 's kitchen in my pajamas . I had even forgotten that I had them on . I felt like an idiot . A smile started forming on Sean 's face as she approached . I just looked at her . " What are you doing here ? " I put my head down . " I brought Sammy home . I had no idea … " " Wow that tag actually was a good idea , " she said looking around to her mother . Her mother clapped her hands . " It sure was ! Where is Steve ? " " He is grabbing the groceries . Care to stay for dinner Toni , " she asked me . " Oh I couldn ' Posted by Quentin wasn 't going to get away with what he did to me like a lot of rapist do because of technicalities . I had to think positive . He was sinking his own ship and that was going to work in the publics favor including mine . He would never be able to hurt another woman . I was going to see to it . Officer Moses and Terry were doing there job and doing it well . Another thing on my side is that they caught him in the act , per say , so that helped my case even more . " He isn 't going to walk , " they assured me . " Thank you . " They excused themselves and left the precinct . Now what ? Just as I was about to leave , I walked right into Sean literally . " Hi , " she said grabbing me so I didn 't fall . " Oh , hi . " She released my arms and I stepped back . She had her hair out of the usual ponytail and was wearing her uniform . She looked very attractive as always . " One of the officers had a heart attack but the other van took him to the hospital . " " Oh okay . " " I 'm about to get off . " " Okay . " I didn 't know what to say . Why did I feel so awkward around this woman ? Maybe because she had seen me in my most vulnerable state . Maybe because she was so nice to me . Maybe because she showed genuine interest after the … Maybe crap ! I had no clue why I felt so damn nervous . " I was going to call you later and check on you . Is everything okay ? " " Yes , I came down here to get an update on the letter that was sent . " " Oh right . Was it taken care of , " she asked concerned again . " Yes , they did . He can 't write anyone now . " That 's good she said folding her arms . " And how has your morning been ? " " Fine . I took a client to breakfast . " I started to relax . She was very easy to talk to . " I was about to get something to eat across the street . Want to join me ? Do you have something to do ? You have time ? " " I um … I was just going to go home … nothing else to do . I just ate though so maybe some other time , " I said shrugging my shoulders . " Okay that 's cool . " I turned around to leave . I really didn 't know what II walked Sean back to her car and she promised to call me later . I was actually looking forward to it . She was so easy to talk to and I trusted her . She wasn 't a man , which I didn 't want to be around right now besides my father and she wasn 't my family or Jessica treating me like a wounded bird . I needed to do something productive , so I called the office and asked them to send my caseload to my house . Brittany , my Director tried to talk me out of it , requesting that I take more time but I told her that the more time I took , the angrier I would become . She agreed to let my pending cases get delivered to me but that was it . That pending status included Denise . They had found her at her mothers as I expected them to . She had been missing her mother terribly and kept fighting at school anytime someone mentioned her mother 's recent news report . Her mother , Vivian Thompson , had robbed a liquor store a few blocks from there which was the latest mark on her record that kept Denise from being returned home . She had almost gotten away with it until her on again off again boyfriend got mad at her and told one of his in between girlfriends who ratted her out . She had gotten away with five thousand dollars and was facing felony charges . Denise was not going home anytime soon . Denise 's father , Diego Vargas , had gotten her out on bail . Denise 's father was a well known drug dealer . Poor Denise , she was screwed both ways . She would be my priority . I got up from the couch and noticed that Jessica had cooked me breakfast . My body was still aching but the pain was less . I got up slowly and steadied myself . Jessica must have stepped out for a second . She wouldn 't have gone far without waking me to tell me . I went to the bathroom and stopped before entering . I looked around as if I was expecting someone . No one was there . I stepped in and looked in the mirror . I couldn 't believe how horrible I looked . Actually I could , because I always looked how I felt . Some people could pull of looking amazing while they are feeling terrible inside . I was not one of those people . My skin was pale . My hair was limp . My face had a few faint bruises on it . I took my mothers nightgown off and stood naked in front of the mirror . I could see the bruises on my body and a few scratches . I saw the needle marks on my forearm where the IVs haI pulled myself together , wrapping my robe around me . I had air dried already so I went to the hall closet and grabbed my cell phone out my sweater . I hadn 't turned it on since … since I was raped . I was a rape victim . I shuttered at what was yet to come . Court , testimony , counseling , sentencing , healing … the list would go on . I thought of Denise again . I promised myself that I would accomplish something each day . I went back to the couch and opened Denise 's thick file . I started reading the police report that was placed when they took her from her mother again . Denise had put up a fight , biting one of the officers . Vivian had jumped on the other officers back . It had been a circus and the local news had caught it all on tape . Another embarrassing moment for Denise . I dialed the youth detention center that they had taken Denise the night they found her . She wasn 't going back to foster care anytime soon . This last incident confirmed that . She would just run away again . " Hello Karen . This is Toni Brown . How are you ? " " I am fine Toni . How are you feeling ? " She never asked me that before but then again I hadn 't been a victim of a crime before this . " I am okay , " avoiding a long explanation . " I was calling to check on one of my clients , Denise Thompson . " " Oh yes . Denise is not doing so well . She heard about your attack and is very angry that no one would let her call you . She kept asking for your number and no one would give it to her . " I sighed . My phone had been off for over a week now and I hadn 't even checked my voicemail . If she had called she probably had left several messages . " Is she available for me to speak to her , " I asked already knowing the answer . " You know she can 't have calls during her probation period . " " I know but it is very important that she talks to someone and I would prefer that person to be me . " I heard Karen breathing . Then the phone was set down with a thump as if it had been dropped . A few minutes later I heard footsteps and then Denise 's voice . " Hello , " I heard Denise say impatiently . " Hi Denise , this is Toni . " " Oh my god , Miss Brown ! I 've been so worried about you . Are you okay ? How are you feeling ? Is that dick in jail ? I can get my daddy to kill him for you ! Just say the word ! " I laughed because I knew she was serious . " No Denise . He is locked up and he will not be getting out anytime soon . I am better . Taking it one day at a time . I heard that you were concerned about me . I was concerned about you and truthfully I missed your jokes . " I smiled at the memory of our last visit . I had picked her up from school and some boy kept trying to talk to her . She had talked about him all the way home - from his " whack ass Mohawk " to his " red busted up shoes . " I remember those days . Denise was kind of a bully . She was always fighting boys at her school and the girls stayed out of her way unless they were in her click . She hung out with a lot of hard looking girls . At one point , I thought that maybe they were gay . I hadn 't asked though . That was the least of her problems . We talked for a few moments longer before Karen interrupted us . " The witch said I can 't talk to you no more . Can you come see me ? " " Denise , be respectful , " I encouraged . " I will come visit you as soon as I 'm able . " " Don 't forget what I said . My daddy is a block away ! " I laughed again . Denise , despite her tough demeanor and quick temper , had become my favorite client . I had her case off and on for four years and soon she would age out of the system . I was hoping I could help her get on the right road before then . So many kids age out of the system and you don 't hear anything but negative things about them . Very few actually make it , but it took good support systems to make that possible . Denise didn 't have a support system . I vowed to be that single force . The day that I was being released , Vaughn came to pick me up . I thanked him for the lilies but in my mind I knew it was the worst attempt at an apology . Flowers died so did love . I donated them to the cancer wing of the hospital . Jessica and I had discussed her picking me up but at the last minute Vaughn called and asked for the " honors " and even though I wasn 't ready to face him , I knew he had been waiting patiently to see me . He signed all the necessary paperwork for my release and then the officer assigned to my room wheeled me out to wait for Vaughn to drive up and get me . As Vaughn helped me in the car , I felt my stitches stretch . I had been told to stay on bed rest once I got home . That bastard had torn my skin at the entry to my anal area and I had to have five stitches . It was not a comfortable feeling having your ass stitched . Nothing about this whole ordeal was comfortable . I had overheard Jessica and my mother talking about why Vaughn was the last one getting to the hospital . He had been out with another woman with his cell off . I wondered for a moment if it was the same woman he had canceled our dates for before . Or was this a new conquest for him ? One of my clients had told me that they saw Vaughn in my car with a woman . I had questioned him about it , but of course he gave me some lame excuse that it was one of his clients . Vaughn was a tattoo artist and clothing designer . He was artistic and very good at what he did . He was one of the best . He was around women all the time . He was good looking and knew how to say the right things . He had gotten me , hadn 't he ? Once I realized I was getting played , I was too embarrassed to just give up . I had invested a lot in us . He swore that whoever was telling me stuff was just hating and jealous . I didn 't keep people in my circle like that , but by the time he finished talking and romancing me , my head was so far in the clouds I never stayed mad long . I wasn 't one to be made a fool of but so long . Once I heard more than once that he was cheating on me from " First I want to tell you that what happened to me was not your fault . Obviously Quentin had been watching me for some time . He was just waiting for an opportunity to approach me . " Officer Moses informed me before I left the hospital that Quentin had been staying at a hotel a block away not his normal spot , at his mothers . When they searched his room , he had photos of me alone , with Vaughn , Jessica , at work and even getting undressed . Their was an empty condo directly across from me that he had set up to watch me . Mental note was made to invest in curtains and an alarm . " I know that you were with another woman the night that I was attacked . Who was she ? " He put his hands in his pocket . Classic sign of guilt for him . " It doesn 't matter . I can 't do this with you and I right now . I need time to myself to sort all this out , start healing , and get back to work . " I walked over to him and took his hand . I had to do this for closure . I wasn 't in love with him anymore . He had hurt me too many times . I had to let go right now . One less obstacle to conquer . " Toni , I am so sorry . I love you and care for you . I want to help you through this if you let me . " I turned away from him . I couldn 't allow that . Not now anyway . " I 'm sorry , but I cant accept your help . Where were you when it happened ? Where were you when Jessica was trying to reach you ? Where were you when I went into surgery ? You didn 't care about me then . You are selfish ! Always have been and I don 't want you here right now . I might not ever want you here again . " I went to my front door and opened it . " I need you to leave , " I said stepping away from the door so he could pass through it possibly for the last time . He stopped close to me . I didn 't look into his eyes . I don 't want to see anymore . " I am sorry . Please call me if you need anything . I promise to be there when you call . " He walked through the door as I shut it . I cried for what seemed forever until I heard a soft knocking . It was Jessica . I opened the door and fell into hePosted by I awakened again to see my mother in the corner praying . My mother has always been a religious woman . She wasn 't insane with it but she completely had faith in her God . I wasn 't so convinced most times . Right now I knew I needed prayer . I could hear the doctors talking to my father and Jessica . I couldn 't make out what they were saying . I didn 't want to know . I knew what had happened to me . I felt the injuries . They must have given me something for pain because the pain was dull but still there reaching out . My mother saw me looking at her and came to my side . My mother was shorter than me by a few inches with green beautiful eyes , fair skin , and naturally long curly hair . Her eyes always revealed her emotions . She looked at me , taking my hand and kissing them . She didn 't say anything . For the first time , she didn 't say anything . Tears came to her eyes and I looked away . Not now . Please don 't cry . I can 't cry anymore . Anger started to rise in me and I spoke so loud everyone turned around to look at me , even the nurses in the hallway . " Where is he , " I yelled . " Where is he ? " I tried to sit up as my mother tried to calm me . Jessica ran over to my left side and grabbed my free hand . " Toni honey . Please calm down . Lay down please . Please lay down , " she said softly pleading with me . I felt her hand on my hair and I flinched . I wanted to cut my hair off . He had used my hair to restrain me . I hated it . She pulled her hand away and took my face in her small hands . She looked me in my eyes and told me she loved me . She told me that he had been arrested and was being held until the mornings bail hearing . He wasn 't going anywhere . Charges were already piling up against him including sodomy , rape , attempted murder , assault on an officer , and the list went on . I started to breathe slower , easier . I laid back down . My mother stepped towards me but hesitated . I touched her arm and she came closer , hugging me . My father joined her , hugging me gently . Jessica stepped back to compose herself . I saw herSunshine Writer I slowly went around the corner to look for Quentin and he wasn 't on the stool anymore . I looked in the bathroom . He wasn 't there either . Then I saw a shadow in my bedroom . What was he doing now ? I went in my bedroom and he was looking out the window . He was looking around . What was he looking for ? I grabbed my keys off the dresser . " I can take you home now , " I said turning to walk to the door . I heard him rush up behind me , spinning me around . He tried to kiss me and I slapped him . " What the heck are you doing , " I yelled putting my hand in front of me to push him away . " Give me a kiss . That 's the least you could do for head butting me , " he smirked . " I didn 't mean to do that and no , I am not kissing you . " I tried to turn and he put his arm around my waste . " Where are you going , " he asked pulling me close to him with some force . I yelled at him . " What are you doing ? " " I 've been wanting you for almost a year and you keep pushing me away . Am I not good enough for you or something ? " No he wasn 't but I didn 't tell him that . " I never said that . We both agreed to be friends , remember ? " " No , you said you wanted me to be friends only not me . " That was true . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't know you wanted more . " " How could you not know ? I made sure I visited you every time I was in town . " Which wasn 't often . I never thought anything of it . A friend visiting a friend , right ? Wrong ! " Please , it 's late . Let me to take you to wherever you 're staying . " " We aren 't going anywhere , " he said pushing me into the wall . I tried to free my arm from his grasp but he was squeezing it tighter than before . " Quentin please don 't do this . This isn 't necessary . Let 's go out on a date and see what happens okay ? " Yea right but I was saying anything to get him out of my house . I looked for my phone . I never kept the damn cordless on the charger . Ugh ! I surveyed the room trying not to be so obvious . He looked behind him to see what I was looking at . " What are you looki " No ! Please no ! " I felt a tear at the entrance of my backside . I cried in pain . No one could hear me though . My head was being held down in the carpet . I kept yelling and kicking and I tried to reach back and scratch him . He pinned my arms down and violently entered me . He thrust inside me so hard I moved a few inches over the carpet burning my face and chest . I tried one last time to kick him and then I heard a loud noise . Someone was at the door yelling , " Police ! Police ! " He pushed off of me pulling his pants up and grabbing something that was on the floor . He grabbed it so quickly I couldn 't tell what it was until it was at my throat . He had a gun ! The police were at my bedroom door , guns raised and looking at Quentin . A female officer came in from behind the four male officers and looked at me . I knew she was specifically there for me to help me whenever this nightmare was over . I looked at her pleading to please move so the police could kill this sonofabitch . She must have read my mind because she stepped back . The officer in the back came forward , lowering his gun . " What is your name , " he asked looking at me . " Toni . Toni , " I said gasping for air . He looked at Quentin . " What is your name he asked him ? " Quentin 's hold got tighter . I felt myself getting faint . " What do you need to know my name for , " he asked yelling like a madman . " What is your name , " the officer asked him again even stern . " My name is Q , " he said pulling us both backwards . " Quentin , there is nowhere to go . Let her go . " The Officer stepped towards us . His arm seemed like it was part of my throat . I could breath . I tried to speak with the energy I had left . The officer raised his gun . I could tell he was not one to play games with . I hoped I was right . I took my last ditch effort and elbowed him in the gut . I caught him off guard and dropped to the floor . He raised his gun and then I heard a shot fired . Quentin fell to the floor grabbing his arm , yelling like a bitch ! I kicked him in his face once , twice , Sunshine Writer Through the book I am writing I hope to help others begin their journey to becoming who they have the potential to be . I hope that readers will be able to relate to some of the characters and will take the journey with them to helping themselves . More importantly , I hope that this book will be an outlet for those who are not ready to talk and the beginning process to their healing . |
The year following my graduate studies at Arizona State University in Tempe , I was chosen to be an Artist - in - the - Schools . It meant that I was given a studio and a monthly stipend and in return I would teach a certain number of art classes per week . I taught all of the grades in their system , from kindergarten to mid - school . The mid - schoolers made me nervous and the really little kids , six on down , were just too young for me to engage . However , I delighted in the rest of the ages : I was a hero just by walking in the door with the label of artist , and could do no wrong in their eyes . I came up with various projects that we worked on together , but really , I was just one artist surrounded by many . I had a class that has always stood out in my mind and that 's because of one little boy . He sat with his desk facing the wall , clearly separated from the other children . As we started to work , and I went around helping each child , I noticed that he was perspiring profusely . He had a heavy , dank , little boy odor about him and his clothes seemed not quite clean . He gave his drawing all of his attention and focus . When he finished , and I came around to look at what he had done , I was staggered by his image . It was of a house and a child , but the child was much bigger than the house , and the child was leaning over , a stream of vomit coming from his mouth . It was a beautiful drawing - - profound and honest and just very well done . I praised him and told him what a great drawing I thought he had done , and he beamed back at me . He knew I was being sincere , and he knew that I saw what he had done and heard what he was trying to say - that there was big trouble in his life . Later , when the class went out for recess , I showed the drawing to the teacher . She couldn 't say much to me , but I understood that this child wasn 't in a good situation , and that she was doing the best she could to help . I wasn 't telling her anything she didn 't know . I left that day , and of course , I never knew what happened to the little boy . I can only hope that hiPosted by If Mary and Joseph were to show up with their mule today , on their way to Bethlehem , they would find a very different world , one that was mostly urban . Although the baby Jesus would be riding safely inside Mary , she would reflect today 's gray , grim world , graffiti decorating her robes and the world around her . Joseph 's robes would be made , not from soft cotton , but from impenetrable material - - torn and twisted corrugated iron . The mule would be calm and placid , the same , since animals haven 't changed their nature over the centuries , but his blanket would advertise his passenger , just as buses and taxis do today . Their journey would be lonely and full of anxiety , and they would probably end up in a parking garage in downtown Bethlehem , waiting nervously for their baby to be born . Yellow : renewal and hope or cowardice and deceit . For a long time I have been trying to mediate consistently . I know it 's good for me , actually more than good for me , I think it 's probably vital to my health and well being . However , I am a slackard meditator . Days , weeks , and even years have gone by without me meditating . I don 't know why I have so much trouble with this seemingly simple and straight forward exercise . All I can say is that it 's just easier not to , especially when I really need it , when I find myself in one of my typically stressed or highly emotional states - normal ways of being for me . Carl Jung liked to say that it is only in middle age that we began to realize that the sun is no longer rising , but beginning its descent . As I start my sixth decade , I know that I have choices that will make my life better , and choices that won 't . Knowing that sun is sinking makes the choices a little more immediate and a little more urgent . I hope to make those right choices , but maybe even more importantly , not to despair when I don 't . I started college life thinking I would be a ceramic artist . I worked hard , made lots and lots of clunky shapes , both thrown and hand built , and at some point , realized that ceramics wasn 't really my friend . Next , printmaking , worked hard , made lots and lots of lithographs , and realized I wasn 't really cut out to be friends with lithography . Then , painting and drawing , again always working hard , and I was able to make large , slightly surreal paintings , mostly about people and animals . They weren 't great , but they weren 't bad . I started taking my own photographs , not to be a photographer , but to have information to base my paintings and drawings on . At some point , in some flash of laziness , or genius , I 'm not sure which , I began to paint on the photos with oil , thinking of them as rough sketches for my paintings . I found the surface slick and non - absorbent , and the photograph never disappeared , the way paint or marks on paper would when you tried to rework them . I loved these little 8 ' x10 " photos that I painted on , that I didn 't have to despair over the way I had everything else . I wish I could say that I immediately snapped to and understood what I had , but I was slower than that , and it took me several years before I finally understood that I had found my voice . I think this image is about loneliness , and about waiting , and hoping , but to no avail . The two figures are male and female , the male is on the left with his arms raised , and the female figure is on the right . He is imploring and she is waiting . She is afraid that he will never turn to her , and he worries that he will never be answered . I have never smoked and I have almost never worn pearls , blue eye shadow , lipstick , or high heels . But with that being said , I have to say that Tough Woman is a very accurate self portrait . Those who don 't know me well perceive me as being affable , somewhat granola , a little ( or perhaps a lot ) hypochondriacal . . The real me lurks not far beneath that friendly , seemingly open surface . She is stern , critical , and not about to budge from an idea or a perception of reality unless proven otherwise ( and sometimes not even then ) . Bossy comes to mind . The real me is a little feared by my family because nothing slips by , " And why is it that the clock in your car is still set for daylight savings even though we switched over three months ago ? " ( husband and daughter ) . My mother can 't wait to get off the phone with me , " Are you drinking enough water ? How much sugar have you had today ? Did you make it to the gym this week ? And why not ? " More of the same for my 83 year old stepfather . Constant bullying in the form of endless conversations about how important it is for him to work on his core muscles . At times I despair of this woman who can 't let go of things , can 't be easy , flexible , or " fun loving " , who hounds her students and her daughter ( youngest ) until they end up with best possible image they can pull out of the creative void . Whose jaw sometimes hurts from clenching it so hard . But , at the end of the day , although this woman is not always the easiest person to live with , I 'm glad she 's in my corner . This piece started with Minnie 's head . Minnie was a pinto mare that my friend Colleen had happened upon during the six years that she and her family lived in Albuquerque . Colleen knew next to nothing about horses , and I know a lot , so over the period of time that Colleen 's family owned Minnie , I taught Colleen how to ride and much about the care and feeding of a horse . Colleen was head over heels in love with Minnie , and in middle age , had became passionate about horses , something I hadn 't felt for years . Minnie was in her 20 's when Colleen got her ( she was a gift ) which is rather old in horse years , but she was in good shape , calm , pretty , and fun to ride . When Colleen 's husband found another job in the Midwest , they gave Minnie back to her original owner , sold their house , packed their belongings and moved on . I had no other friend quite like Colleen , and even though I knew we would keep in touch , it wouldn 't be the same . Because of her advanced age , I knew that Minnie might very well not be around anymore . When I came across Minnie 's image in my studio , I found myself thinking about a painting that would have to do with dying . As a young adult , I had read the book I Heard the Owl Call My Name by Margaret Craven . In the book , Craven used owls to symbolize death , which has evolved into my own world view . I 'd photographed some concrete owls at a roadside stand a few years earlier , so I started my image - building with the owls and a photograph of Minnie 's head . The painting evolved slowly and painfully - as usual . But gradually , the visual order became clear to me , and I understood where I needed to go . The geese became helpers , who were accompanying , and even lifting Minnie and her rider through the gates . The owls watched quietly over it all , and the Navajo rug in our family room became the portal that Minnie and her rider strode through . I had thought the painting was about Minnie 's passing , and about death , going through that portal , whatever that is . However , I realize now that the painting also has to do with thPosted by My friend Kay had called , it seemed , just to chat . We spoke often on the phone , and our conversation was fairly mundane : how was my corn growing , were we going to go for a ride that day ? However , this time , after we talked , Kay asked if he could talk to Bob . I put Bob on , and listened with some concern as I heard Bob say , " I 'll meet you at the hospital as soon as you can get up here " . Bob hung up and told me that Kay had been having chest pains and his arm hurt , classic signs of a heart attack . Bob was getting ready to head back to the hospital and meet Kay ( Bob had walked home for lunch ) , when he said , " Somethings wrong . I 'm going down to Kay 's " . Kay lived about five minutes away by car , so Bob took off . Here 's what happened next : Bob arrives at Kay 's , sees his car in the driveway , so Bob knows he 's home . Kay 's mean dog , Jack , is barking ferociously , loose in the yard . Kay is not standing on the porch holding Jack by the collar so Bob can come in . Kay is not standing anywhere . Bad sign . Kay always comes out to greet his guests . Bob steps out of the car , thinks of himself as bigger and meaner than Jack , and manages to get inside Kay 's mobile home without having Jack tear his leg off . He finds Kay on the couch , arms splayed , mouth open , not breathing . He pulls him to the floor , lays him on his back , and attempts CPR . He realizes he has forgotten to pinch his nose shut when the air he exhales into Kay 's mouth comes shooting back out of Kay 's nose . He pinches Kay 's nose shut , tries again . More breaths , this time going where they need to go . Kay gasps and then vomits . Bob knows Kay is back on the planet . He calls the hospital , gives them Kay 's name and says " heart attack " . He hangs up and attends to Kay . The ambulance arrives within minutes and Jack has to be distracted so the paramedics can get out and get to Kay . Soon after they brought Kay into the hospital , I arrived and went to be with him in the small room used for emergencies . He came in and out of consciousness - - muttering to me he was worried about his socks being dirty . He had to be shocked several times to keep his heart going , and I waited just outside with the door open , terrified at what I was seeing . My great and wonderful friend Kay , one of the kindest and warmest people I had ever known , literally , at death 's door , in terrible pain . A plane was summoned and it landed on the small runway adjacent to the hospital . Within a very short period of time , Bob and Kay were in the sky , growing smaller , and then disappearing as the small plane headed West , to Presbyterian Hospital in Albuquerque . Once there , Kay coded several times , but made it to the OR where a cardiac surgeon performed bypass surgery . Twenty years later , just two years ago , he died at the age of 80 . He had lived those intervening years in Zuni in his mobile home under the big cottonwood tree with his little brown VW bug , his horse , and his dogs . When he had his heart attack , he was the age I am now . I don 't think I 'm quite at the level of needing to attend a Twelve Step Program ( Hi . My name is Holly and I 'm a shopaholic ) , but I 'm close , especially if I 'm not working in my studio . I have in my DNA a need to look for things , to hunt , to find , to search out . In a primitive society I would have been the one tracking the deer , calling out the alarm when warring tribes came to destroy the village , sniffing the air for fire or rain . But I wasn 't born in a primitive tribe in the Amazon , I was born into the most affluent culture the world has ever known , chock full of things to be hunted down . So that 's what I do : I hunt for bargains , sales , things that I usually don 't have any need for but that are pennies on the dollar . It 's exciting when I start shopping , and often I find wonderful things , especially at thrift stores : bicycle jerseys , shorts , and shoes ; bikes , boxes of ink jet transparencies ( 20 boxes for $ 2 each ) , Dansko clogs , large rolls of printer paper , an opaque overhead projector , riding breeches . If I 'm not practising my hunting skills at real stores , then I 'm doing it online , Craig 's list being my favorite . At times , as I sift through hanger after hanger of clothing that I don 't particularly like but is marked down 75 % , I wonder just what the hell I 'm doing . It worries me . And as I continue to shop , I think of all the things I could be doing that would make my life and the lives of others better . What redeems me is knowing that once I start working in my studio , this powerful need to find things gets channeled into the making of images and the solving of problems that have to do with those images . It 's the same attention and focus , it 's just much more intense , lasts for longer periods of time , and I don 't have to worry - - at least for awhile - - about finding the right Twelve Step Program to join . I got Bob and Blackie around the same time . I had been dating Bob for just a few months , and one weekend we decided to visit friends in a remote , rural town in Northern New Mexico . On the way there we passed several puppies by the side of the road . We sped on . Several days later , on the way back , we passed one of the puppies , now road kill . I knew there had been more puppies and I began to look . Sure enough , a flash of black and white in the high grass along side the highway . We stopped and gathered up an approximately six week old female Shepard mix . We kept her , named her Blackie and she developed into an absolutely beautiful dog . However , she did have some eccentricities . She was fearless , and could face down any pack of semi - wild reservation dogs that would later , when we moved to Zuni , try to intimidate her . And although domesticated , she had a kind of wildness about her that seemed to lurk right below the surface . I was discovering some of the same things about Bob . Although he didn 't have a need to face anyone down , he did seem to be inhabited by a self that wasn 't all that domesticated , and it seemed sometimes that I might lose him to his feral side ( see Spiral Jetty 2011 October 30 ) . http : / / hollyrobertsonepaintingatatime . blogspot . com / 2011 / 10 / spiral - jetty - 2011 . html The photograph that I used to start this painting was a full frontal face shot of Bob , but a little blurry . When I was done painting , I had created a large Blackie head which lay over Bob 's face , with only his blurry , slightly unfocused eyes remaining as photograph proof of his existence . They both shared the same eyes , the same world view . I realized that it was Bob as Blackie , and Blackie as Bob . I was not someone who had always wanted to have children . Babies especially frightened me . I had no idea what to do with them and the thought of actually owning a baby was a little more then I could handle . So , I waited until I was 35 to have my first daughter , Ramey , and the decision was made more out of fear of waiting too long and not being able to have a child rather then racing to embrace motherhood . My one comforting thought was that my husband , Bob , would be able to deal with the child through baby and toddler hood and then I would take over when it was , say , nine , an age I knew I could ( probably ) deal with . So , Ramey was born via C - section after a long and difficult labor . When I first woke up out of the anesthesia I saw Bob with a baby girl in his arms , both staring down at me with concerned expressions on their faces . I had not had even a glimmer of the power of what a baby could extract out of her parents . It was , of course , complete and utter love at first sight . Oh those hormones I guess . Now , 24 years later , I wonder why I sold this beautiful little painting . Posted by In September I signed up for a bike class with a group call Women Riding Well http : / / womenridingwell . com / . The first few weeks covered basics , such as applying the brakes suddenly without going over the handle bars , riding in a straight line , learning to feel comfortable with someone riding right next to you , etc . As the weeks progressed , we learned about pace lines ( among many other things ) , which meant that we would ride in a line , switching out the leader on a regular basis so that the first person , who would be " pulling " the rest by allowing the others to draft close behind , would get a chance to rest . A few weeks ago , we were riding in our pace lines , refining all the things we had spent the last three months learning . I was leading one of the pace lines just north of Algodones when I noticed the most beautiful dead coyote by the side of the road . I could only glance at it and try and mark where it was so that I could come back later and photograph it . If I stopped suddenly , my line would crash into me , creating a very dangerous situation . About an hour later , we finished our ride just as the rain and wind hit . I drove home with a friend , and as soon as she dropped me off , I changed clothes , grabbed my camera , got in my truck and headed back to where I thought the coyote was , about 40 minutes from my home in Corrales . It was hard to find . It 's one thing to be whizzing along on a bicycle , fairly close to the ground going 17 mph , but quite another to be high up in a truck with someone right behind me wondering why I 'm going so slowly . I made one pass in my truck without any luck , and then finally , on the second try , located the coyote . I parked my truck on the shoulder , got out - - it had started to rain again - - and took numerous photos of the carcass . I don 't know how or when I will use this coyote in an image , but this is how this whole process starts . I 'm out living my life , doing something that has nothing to do with making art , and then suddenly , there it is ; some startling image that I know I have to have . For me , it 's about making the decision to stop and take the photo , or , as in this case , to try and come back when I can . So often I won 't or don 't or can 't take those photos , and I always regret it . I 've found that the one constant in being a photographer is that you can almost never come back and find the image that you missed . After I photograph I always try to thank whatever it is that I 've taken a photo of , whether it be living or dead , animate or inanimate . It 's a gift to me , plain and simple , that I hope to honor by making that initial photo mean something that 's more than what it was . Today my husband , Bob Wilson , and I drove to the Zuni Reservation for the dedication of the new Zuni Wellness Center . It meant getting up early and driving for 2 1 / 2 hours to get there in time for what we thought was the dedication , but in true Zuni fashion , it was really just an arbitrary time which was part of a long day of activities . We did make it in time to see the the Zuni Head Start kids dance , and we were there for the ribbon cutting , then streamed in with everyone else to see the beautiful new facility . It was important to us to be there because 26 years ago , as a physician , Bob had been the founder of the Zuni Wellness Center as part of a program to try to do something about the extremely high prevalence of Type II diabetes in the Zuni population , something that hadn 't really existed in Zuni before the 1940 's . Based on the idea that through diet and exercise it might be possible to control diabetes , Bob worked at implementing this program in the Zuni community . The Zunis took to the program with a passion , and by the time we left , after 8 years in Zuni , there were over 60 aerobics classes every week , not to mention fun - runs and a workout center that Bob and his team had put together . The Zunis continued to work at staying fit , and this new wellness center was a wonderful tribute to their dedication and passion . Because of the religious nature of so much of what went on in Zuni , I had to be very careful about what I photographed , never wanting to even have my camera present when there was something going on that was not to be photographed . However , I was able to photograph the aerobic classes with complete freedom and I did a series of images from those classes . Today I thought about the Zuni Dances that I couldn 't photograph , but could watch , and those aerobic classes ( which I could watch and photograph and participate in ) that were in some ways so similar : they both were a result of the Zuni People working together in physical and spiritual ways to keep their culture alive and healthy . * My Zuni friends told me that currently Zumba is the most popular class . Last Friday night I sat in front of the TV to watch " Blue Bloods " on CBS . It wasn 't a program I had ever watched before , but three of my paintings were going to be used as set dressings for a scene in an episode called " Lonely Hearts Club " . This project came through Film Art LA , a company that represents my artwork and licenses images for movies and TV : http : / / www . filmartla . com . In September I got a call from Jennifer Long , who owns the company , to tell me that my work was being rented for " Blue Bloods " . She explained that " Man Crying " had been requested for use during the scene in which the work would be talked about by the actors . She also let me know my name would be used in dialogue as the fictitious artist . They would be using digital prints - much larger in the scene than in real life . I was asked to sign off on the part of the script that used my name , so I knew exactly what was going to be said . It was thrilling being on TV and seeing my images . I thought it was pretty great being Holly from Red Hook with a nice New York City Gallery and a sympathetic boyfriend named Patrick . You can see the scene with my paintings in the first five minutes of the episode at http : / / www . cbs . com / shows / blue _ bloods / video / $ The image itself was based on the photograph of a close friend who is one of the most stoic people I know . The image was about showing one kind of face on the outside , but having another face happening inside , where it doesn 't show to the world but is deeply felt . I 'm always somewhat surprised at how images portraying distress or sadness offend or push some people away , and it was interesting to me that they used this image as an example of how depressed and angst ridden , or " EDP " ( emotionally dysfunctional people - their words ) artists are . In fact , what the painting is really about is how difficult it is for us to constantly have to hide what we really feel . It 's a kind of cautionary tale about allowing ourselves and others to have true and genuine feelings , whatever they may be . Perhaps it 's because I 'm a middle child , but I 've always had a hard time with jealousy . If something good happens to someone else , I always have to work very hard at being happy for them . What my true , middle child , never - got - enough - love self wants to do is be angry and upset with the fact that those good things aren 't happening to me . I 'm especially jealous when good things happen to other artists : shows , sales , any kind of success no matter how large or how small . Several years ago I had a very attractive young woman student in Gallup , New Mexico in one of my classes through the UNM branch there . I didn 't particularly like this student . She seemed to need more love and attention then I really wanted to give her , especially considering how beautiful she was . However , I successfully kept how I felt from her , and she continued taking classes with me . Towards the end of her time in that area , she had a show at the Public Library in Gallup and ended up selling quite a few of her paintings . When I went to see the show , and the librarian found out I was an artist , she informed me that not just anyone could have a show there , implying that my chances were slim . I was , of course , very jealous . My student applied and got into graduate school on the East Coast , and I wrote a nice letter of recommendation for her in spite of my jealousy . On a trip to New York City , about a year later , I ran into this student quite by accident at the Museum of the American Indian in front of an exhibit of Zuni Kachinas . She was ecstatic to see me , and I pretended the same , but inwardly felt disgruntled . Why her of all people ? It wasn 't too long after this , when I was back in Gallup teaching , that one of my colleagues told me that my student had been killed in an automobile accident in New Jersey . I was devastated . I cried for days . I realized that her success with the Gallup library show had been important in a way that I couldn 't have foreseen , that her short life had a much different trajectory then one that lasts for another 60 years , as hers should have . And mostly I just felt terrible about my petty jealousy and dislike . Another present that showed up at my ( studio ) door was a large , dead , crow that my younger daughter Teal found . I think she was about 10 at the time . She held the crow for me while I photographed it with it 's wings spread , wearing her pajama bottoms and her favorite sweatshirt . We also took photos of the crow spread out on the sidewalk alone , but the ones with Teal were my favorites . Teal is now 21 and a senior at the Kansas City Art Institute , so when she asked me to send as many photographs of myself as I could , I was more then happy to oblige , thinking that she might work my face into one of her drawings , or perhaps , one of her combination embroidery / drawings . One of the drawings I sent was a self portrait I took of myself in my late 20 's . I had tried out a cream that was supposed to help my complexion in some mysterious way and while I can 't remember that the cream did much , I loved the way it became , literally , a mask . A few days ago I opened up a link to Teal 's blog , " Rattime all the Time " , http : / / tealscookin . blogspot . com / and found myself staring back at me . The bulk of the crow is embroidered , and the rest graphite , including the chest of the crow and my face . She had based my portrait on the facial cream photo , and of course , my mind went back to the crow connection that we had shared so many years ago . I don 't know if Teal thought about the crow she had brought me so many years ago when she did this piece , but I know the memory exists in her artist 's brain , just as it does in mine . One morning , when I went to gather the dog 's bowls so I could feed them , I found a present waiting for me on the back porch . It was a rather large , dead , duck . I knew who the gift was from ( the dogs ) , I just wasn 't sure how they had gotten it . Whatever , I was thrilled , and took as many photos as I could of the lovely bird before burying it so the dogs wouldn 't continue to " re - gift " . Later I discovered broken glass in one of my high studio windows where the duck had hit , then fallen , probably with a broken neck . Over the years I 've used bits and pieces of this duck to make countless images . In my mind , I 'm bringing him back to life , and in this case , fairly minimally : just the head , with a human eye , attached to a dictionary page that forms the body , and wings that are made of dirt and gravel . This isn 't a bird that 's going to fly anymore . He 's walking on top of an aerial view of one of the many cities that I fly over and photograph whenever I travel . In this case , probably Los Angels , sprawling , freeways and cars everywhere . It 's what he would see if he could fly , but then of course , he wouldn 't be able to land anywhere since the city is so densly populated for so many miles . Posted by This past weekend , my husband , Bob Wilson , and I took a trip to the Great Salt Lake to visit Robert Smithson 's Spiral Jetty . It was just barely visible under the purple water , and Bob decided to try to walk out to the tip of the spiral . He removed his shoes , then his pants , and started out . The water was cold and the basalt rocks slippery . The temperature of the air was about 55 degrees , and the water slightly colder , so it was not pleasant . He made it out about 1 / 3 of the way and then decided that his feet were too cold and that he was running the risk of slipping and cutting his feet as they became more and more numb , so he turned back and started in . He discovered , about 15 feet from the shore , that he could actually just walk alongside the jetty in the sand , thus eliminating the risk of hurting himself . As a young couple together , Bob and I would often go out and have adventures much like this . Bob would do something totally unexpected , usually somewhat dangerous , and I would photograph him . His actions usually involved physical suffering , or finding something that he could do that might result in bodily harm if he wasn 't careful . Whatever he did , it always took all his attention . I think now that it was his way of making himself completely present and connected to his world . I couldn 't do what he did , but I could certainly appreciate and record and then make something more of his involvement . Over the years , I made many paintings using these photographs of Bob as a base . They were critical to my beginnings as an artist , helping me see where I needed to go . Our first dog was an English Pointer that we named Robbie . My parents had her bred to another English Pointer when she was about two years old . Subsequently she had a litter of about 9 or 10 puppies , one of the better memories of my childhood . Because spaying and neutering were not really options for dogs in the fifties , we had a small wire pen built for Robbie whenever she came into heat , and she would be put in that pen for several weeks every year . At nine years old , I knew what was going on - that it took a male dog to make puppies - and I was dying to repeat the experience of our previous puppies . So , one afternoon when I was alone at home with Robbie , and she was in heat , I opened the gate to the pen and let one of the more persistent dogs in with her . And sure enough , they did what dogs do . He got on top and started working away . My plan was to let the male dog out when he was done , shut the gate , and no one would be the wiser until the puppies showed up . But it didn 't go as I had planned . The male dog seemed to finish , and dropped off of Robbie . But then , to my horror , he stayed joined to Robbie , attached by his penis . It was awful . I didn 't know what to do , only that I had to do something because something was clearly very wrong . I called my stepfather , Nick , and crying , told him that one of the dogs had forced his way past me into the pen and that now they were stuck . Nick must have been close , because he showed up fairly quickly , careening around the corner of the driveway in our old black Chevy pickup . He got out , went over to the dogs , got a stick and started hitting the male dog . He wasn 't angry or upset , just pragmatically working at getting the dogs apart . Sure enough , it worked , the dog was able to free himself and he ran off after Nick gave him another emphatic thump with the stick . I sobbed and sobbed , watching Nick through the fence . I 'm not sure now which was worse : getting caught or witnessing the two joined dogs , looking as miserable and frightened as I felt . I have no sons , and I am a daughter , so my experience of mothers and sons is only observed , not known personally . I am married to a man who , like almost every man on the planet , has a complex relationship with his mother . My older brother and I share the same mother , so I have known that relationship for almost 58 years now . And then I watch the male world : men who are powerful , men who are babies , men who are good and kind , men who heal and men who destroy . I wonder what kind of mother each one of those men had . This mother longs for her son , but I don 't think it 's a good kind of longing . Notice her feet aren 't moving - she only makes the motion of caring , but doesn 't really have to follow up . The son is child sized , but has a man 's head . He appears to be trying to get away , but doesn 't look very distressed . The background lines - sewing patterns - create a kind of chaotic directional order : Come back , go away , leave me . Stay . I can 't live without you . I 'll get you ! No I won 't . I didn 't mean that . Yes I did . The son stays just out of reach , but will never really leave her sight . I 'm not sure they can survive without each other . When I was a child we had neighbors who were for all intents and purposes my grandparents even though they weren 't really . Joe died of lung cancer when I was 18 or 19 , Jane a few years later of the same thing . I can remember Jane coming to visit , sitting on the high stool at our kitchen counter , a cigarette in one hand , legs curled around each other , smoke curling up around her face as she discussed the world with me , my mother , and my stepfather , " Nickie " as she liked to call him . After they died , I missed them both tremendously , especially Jane . I think they were in their late fifties or early sixties when they died , close to the age I am now . This woman showed up in 2006 . I pieced her from photographs of many things : boulders from a trip to Colorado , the cement floor from the parking garage where my husband works , my hands , and Jesus , taken from a painted wall along the highway on that same New Mexico to Colorado route . She 's relaxed and confident . She thinks that with Jesus inside her she will be okay , that nothing can harm her . Under her left leg is a little warning which says , " please be careful " . But she doesn 't need to pay attention , she 's got Jesus . In the 1980 's National Geographic Magazine did an article about hyenas . In the article were a series of photographs that have stayed with me ever since . They were black and white , taken at night using flash so that the images were very harsh . They were sequential , showing the zebra being surrounded by hyenas , attacked , and then brought down . I cut the pictures out of the magazine and had them up on my studio wall for years . The pictures captured that instant when something living goes from being alive to not ; death , the inevitability of it , and the fear and darkness surrounding the event . My zebra was originally a horse . All it took to transform him were a few scratched stripes and white markings on his face and legs . The hyenas are also pretty minimal - just really teeth and small dark bodies , not really very hyena like at all . And then finally , I added the palm trees to make it clear that this was some place foreign , clearly not New Mexico , certainly Africa . My husband , Bob , has always been pretty much enslaved by TV . One of those There is a power greater than myself and it is TV kinds of things . At one point , realizing the depth and breadth of his addiction , he decided that he would only watch TV when I turned it on , meaning that he couldn 't initiate any TV watching himself , could only watch when and what I wanted to view . But being an intelligent man , he found a way around those limitations . If he waited until I went to bed , leaving him alone with the TV , he could unplug the it instead of turning it off . Then he could come back and plug it in anytime he wanted , not violating the terms of his agreement with himself . He wasn 't " turning it on " , just plugging it in . Getting old is like going out to sea on a boat that you know isn 't seaworthy . You know this boat won 't be coming back , and that at some point you and the boat will both be going down . You don 't know if it will go down slowly , a bolt popping out here and there with water starting to slowly fill the boat , or suddenly , poof , just like that , sink . All you can do is cast off , and hope the waves won 't toss you too badly and that you 'll have enought to nourish you until the end . And that finally , as the waves wash over your head , you 'll be able to see your life 's journey as being everything that it could have been . In the fall of 2008 , I was teaching a workshop in Alaba a . As I went around the large room , helping each person in the class , one of my students told me that she was on the phone with her husband , and that the stock market was dropping fa t . I had about 20 students , so it took me awhile to work my way back to her as I made my roun s . Every time I got to her , she told me the market had gone down even furth r . Of course , that was the day of the big cra h . The weeks that followed were a time of uncertainty and dread , and , as it turns out , just the cracking of the lid of what was to become a deep and dark Pandora 's box full of troubl As a young woman , I loved the works of Carlos Casteneda . I couldn 't wait for each new book to come out , and I would read and re - read the books on a regular basis . I even developed a way of seeing the world , which broke people into Stalkers and Dreamers based on what Carlos had to say ( which I still use to this day ) . In graduate school I did a paper about Diane Arbus and Shamanism , which proposed that , had she been born into a culture which practiced Shamanism , Arbus would have been a Shaman , and her death would have been symbolic rather then real . I imagined that artists could act as Shamans in our society , but I wasn 't sure what that really meant . For instance , I wasn 't sure any of us could control natural events , or heal people , and the divination part was a little dicey for me . I fasted , I read , I talked and studied shamanism , but I didn 't ever think I was a Shaman , and only once met a man who claimed that he was . I wasn 't sure , but he talked a good line which made me suspicious that he wasn 't the real deal . However , something has been going on all these years that does address a Shamanistic part of me . Every so often , a painting will emerge that will be about animals that are people , and people that are animals . I don 't think about the paintings before hand , and when I start a piece , I have no idea of where it 's going . I 'm always surprised by what happens , especially when these animal / people show up . I have a hard time explaining them . I 'm not really sure what they mean , just that they are honest and make a deep connection , first with me , then with other people outside myself . I wonder sometimes if I , like Arbus , might have been Shaman material in another place and time , and in this culture , only able to bring up remnants of the ability to go between the two worlds , unable to know the real meaning of what my paintings are saying . My husband , Bob Wilson , did his residency in Family Practice Medicine at Good Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix , Arizona . It was a three year program and involved him doing rotations in different specialties : surgery , pediatrics , internal medicine etc . In each rotation he was assigned an on call schedule . This meant that when he was on call , he would go into the hospital in the morning , see patients all day , stay at the hospital that night to see whatever emergencies arose , then start the next day seeing patients all over again . It meant that , at times , he might go for 36 hours without sleep . With luck , he might be able to sleep for an hour or two before being interrupted , usually by something urgent . By the time he got home after being on call , he was exhausted . He would topple over onto the bed where he would immediately fall into a deep sleep . I would remove as many of his clothes as I could , cover him up and wait for him to wake the next day . The next morning he would wake , dress , shave , eat , and then head out to the hospital . A good rotation mean that he only had to take call once a week , but with some of the rotations he took call every 4th or 5th night . I can only imagine the stress that he was under : sleep deprived , a new doctor , asked to make critical decisions about health care for someone he most probably had never seen before . When he finished his residency , we moved to the Zuni Indian Reservation so that Bob could practice medicine at the small , beautiful hospital that served the over 8 , 000 residents of Zuni . Along with the approximately six other doctors that worked with him , Bob was once again asked to take call . This call schedule was more humane . He could come home on the nights he was on call and at times get by giving the nurses instructions over the phone . He had an amazing ability to wake up from a deep sleep , and with no grogginess or confusion , listen to the conversation , give orders or advice , then hang up the phone and immediately drop back into the same deep sleep . He no longer takes call in his medical practice , and hasn 't for a number of years . However , he doesn 't sleep as well anymore , and often wakes up in the night and finds it difficult to fall back asleep . Posted by This past April , a good friend of ours was mowing his lawn , getting ready for a family get together with his wife , and three of his four grown children . It was a beautiful day , sunny without being too hot . He came inside , complained of some pain in his shoulder to his wife , got a drink of water , then went back out , started to mow again and dropped dead . I did this painting the afternoon of the day we found out that our friend had died . It 's about his death , that Dark Rider that shows up to escort us to the other side , whatever that is . The crows underfoot , supporting the horse and rider . The sky , dark and swirling with small bits of yellow shining through . The rider , calm but stern , the horse with his large , kind , human eye . I 've since wondered what our friend 's last thoughts were : were they about a pesky section of grass that kept popping up as he was mowing , or was he thinking about his life , his family , perhaps what they were going to have on the barbecue later that afternoon . His daughter told us that when she saw him laying on the grass and ran to him , he had a smile on his face . He was 53 . Two and 1 / 2 months later , in July , another good friend died suddenly , this time of an aneurysm . Talking on the phone to a good friend , someone he deeply loved , he experienced a terrible headache , then dropped the phone as he fell to the floor . She was able to call 911 , and they took my good friend to the Hospital where he went in and out of consciousness , dying early the next day . I didn 't do a piece about this friend 's death . My grief was too large . I did this image in the early 1980 's . At that time I lived on the Zuni Indian Reservation , and would often make the long drive between Zuni and Albuquerque . We traveled on a two lane black top from Zuni to Grants , then picked up I - 40 to head on into Albuquerque for shopping , the airport , whatever we couldn 't get in Gallup or Zuni . On this particular trip I happened to pull over at a wide place in the road that we would sometimes stop at just before we got to the intersection of I - 40 . On one of the fence posts ( all fences are barbed wire with either metal or wooden fence posts ) I saw a steers ' head stuck onto the fence post . It was askew , titled to one side . It hadn 't been there too long , the eyes still looked back at me . A few crows sat on the nearby posts , waiting to start in . I had my camera , photographed the head , then proceeded on . 30 years later I wonder what that head was doing there . Had someone poached the steer , then stuck the head on the fence as a kind of sticking their tongue out gesture , or had someone just wanted to get rid of a steers ' head they had riding around in the back of their pickup ? I didn 't think of it at the time , just took the photo and went on my way . Later , when I printed the head out and started my painting , I found myself bringing him back to life , alive and well in a vibrant New Mexico landscape . The painting went to my first New York City show where it sold , and , hopefully keeps on living somewhere in that area . |
The year following my graduate studies at Arizona State University in Tempe , I was chosen to be an Artist - in - the - Schools . It meant that I was given a studio and a monthly stipend and in return I would teach a certain number of art classes per week . I taught all of the grades in their system , from kindergarten to mid - school . The mid - schoolers made me nervous and the really little kids , six on down , were just too young for me to engage . However , I delighted in the rest of the ages : I was a hero just by walking in the door with the label of artist , and could do no wrong in their eyes . I came up with various projects that we worked on together , but really , I was just one artist surrounded by many . I had a class that has always stood out in my mind and that 's because of one little boy . He sat with his desk facing the wall , clearly separated from the other children . As we started to work , and I went around helping each child , I noticed that he was perspiring profusely . He had a heavy , dank , little boy odor about him and his clothes seemed not quite clean . He gave his drawing all of his attention and focus . When he finished , and I came around to look at what he had done , I was staggered by his image . It was of a house and a child , but the child was much bigger than the house , and the child was leaning over , a stream of vomit coming from his mouth . It was a beautiful drawing - - profound and honest and just very well done . I praised him and told him what a great drawing I thought he had done , and he beamed back at me . He knew I was being sincere , and he knew that I saw what he had done and heard what he was trying to say - that there was big trouble in his life . Later , when the class went out for recess , I showed the drawing to the teacher . She couldn 't say much to me , but I understood that this child wasn 't in a good situation , and that she was doing the best she could to help . I wasn 't telling her anything she didn 't know . I left that day , and of course , I never knew what happened to the little boy . I can only hope that hiPosted by If Mary and Joseph were to show up with their mule today , on their way to Bethlehem , they would find a very different world , one that was mostly urban . Although the baby Jesus would be riding safely inside Mary , she would reflect today 's gray , grim world , graffiti decorating her robes and the world around her . Joseph 's robes would be made , not from soft cotton , but from impenetrable material - - torn and twisted corrugated iron . The mule would be calm and placid , the same , since animals haven 't changed their nature over the centuries , but his blanket would advertise his passenger , just as buses and taxis do today . Their journey would be lonely and full of anxiety , and they would probably end up in a parking garage in downtown Bethlehem , waiting nervously for their baby to be born . Yellow : renewal and hope or cowardice and deceit . For a long time I have been trying to mediate consistently . I know it 's good for me , actually more than good for me , I think it 's probably vital to my health and well being . However , I am a slackard meditator . Days , weeks , and even years have gone by without me meditating . I don 't know why I have so much trouble with this seemingly simple and straight forward exercise . All I can say is that it 's just easier not to , especially when I really need it , when I find myself in one of my typically stressed or highly emotional states - normal ways of being for me . Carl Jung liked to say that it is only in middle age that we began to realize that the sun is no longer rising , but beginning its descent . As I start my sixth decade , I know that I have choices that will make my life better , and choices that won 't . Knowing that sun is sinking makes the choices a little more immediate and a little more urgent . I hope to make those right choices , but maybe even more importantly , not to despair when I don 't . I started college life thinking I would be a ceramic artist . I worked hard , made lots and lots of clunky shapes , both thrown and hand built , and at some point , realized that ceramics wasn 't really my friend . Next , printmaking , worked hard , made lots and lots of lithographs , and realized I wasn 't really cut out to be friends with lithography . Then , painting and drawing , again always working hard , and I was able to make large , slightly surreal paintings , mostly about people and animals . They weren 't great , but they weren 't bad . I started taking my own photographs , not to be a photographer , but to have information to base my paintings and drawings on . At some point , in some flash of laziness , or genius , I 'm not sure which , I began to paint on the photos with oil , thinking of them as rough sketches for my paintings . I found the surface slick and non - absorbent , and the photograph never disappeared , the way paint or marks on paper would when you tried to rework them . I loved these little 8 ' x10 " photos that I painted on , that I didn 't have to despair over the way I had everything else . I wish I could say that I immediately snapped to and understood what I had , but I was slower than that , and it took me several years before I finally understood that I had found my voice . I think this image is about loneliness , and about waiting , and hoping , but to no avail . The two figures are male and female , the male is on the left with his arms raised , and the female figure is on the right . He is imploring and she is waiting . She is afraid that he will never turn to her , and he worries that he will never be answered . I have never smoked and I have almost never worn pearls , blue eye shadow , lipstick , or high heels . But with that being said , I have to say that Tough Woman is a very accurate self portrait . Those who don 't know me well perceive me as being affable , somewhat granola , a little ( or perhaps a lot ) hypochondriacal . . The real me lurks not far beneath that friendly , seemingly open surface . She is stern , critical , and not about to budge from an idea or a perception of reality unless proven otherwise ( and sometimes not even then ) . Bossy comes to mind . The real me is a little feared by my family because nothing slips by , " And why is it that the clock in your car is still set for daylight savings even though we switched over three months ago ? " ( husband and daughter ) . My mother can 't wait to get off the phone with me , " Are you drinking enough water ? How much sugar have you had today ? Did you make it to the gym this week ? And why not ? " More of the same for my 83 year old stepfather . Constant bullying in the form of endless conversations about how important it is for him to work on his core muscles . At times I despair of this woman who can 't let go of things , can 't be easy , flexible , or " fun loving " , who hounds her students and her daughter ( youngest ) until they end up with best possible image they can pull out of the creative void . Whose jaw sometimes hurts from clenching it so hard . But , at the end of the day , although this woman is not always the easiest person to live with , I 'm glad she 's in my corner . This piece started with Minnie 's head . Minnie was a pinto mare that my friend Colleen had happened upon during the six years that she and her family lived in Albuquerque . Colleen knew next to nothing about horses , and I know a lot , so over the period of time that Colleen 's family owned Minnie , I taught Colleen how to ride and much about the care and feeding of a horse . Colleen was head over heels in love with Minnie , and in middle age , had became passionate about horses , something I hadn 't felt for years . Minnie was in her 20 's when Colleen got her ( she was a gift ) which is rather old in horse years , but she was in good shape , calm , pretty , and fun to ride . When Colleen 's husband found another job in the Midwest , they gave Minnie back to her original owner , sold their house , packed their belongings and moved on . I had no other friend quite like Colleen , and even though I knew we would keep in touch , it wouldn 't be the same . Because of her advanced age , I knew that Minnie might very well not be around anymore . When I came across Minnie 's image in my studio , I found myself thinking about a painting that would have to do with dying . As a young adult , I had read the book I Heard the Owl Call My Name by Margaret Craven . In the book , Craven used owls to symbolize death , which has evolved into my own world view . I 'd photographed some concrete owls at a roadside stand a few years earlier , so I started my image - building with the owls and a photograph of Minnie 's head . The painting evolved slowly and painfully - as usual . But gradually , the visual order became clear to me , and I understood where I needed to go . The geese became helpers , who were accompanying , and even lifting Minnie and her rider through the gates . The owls watched quietly over it all , and the Navajo rug in our family room became the portal that Minnie and her rider strode through . I had thought the painting was about Minnie 's passing , and about death , going through that portal , whatever that is . However , I realize now that the painting also has to do with thPosted by My friend Kay had called , it seemed , just to chat . We spoke often on the phone , and our conversation was fairly mundane : how was my corn growing , were we going to go for a ride that day ? However , this time , after we talked , Kay asked if he could talk to Bob . I put Bob on , and listened with some concern as I heard Bob say , " I 'll meet you at the hospital as soon as you can get up here " . Bob hung up and told me that Kay had been having chest pains and his arm hurt , classic signs of a heart attack . Bob was getting ready to head back to the hospital and meet Kay ( Bob had walked home for lunch ) , when he said , " Somethings wrong . I 'm going down to Kay 's " . Kay lived about five minutes away by car , so Bob took off . Here 's what happened next : Bob arrives at Kay 's , sees his car in the driveway , so Bob knows he 's home . Kay 's mean dog , Jack , is barking ferociously , loose in the yard . Kay is not standing on the porch holding Jack by the collar so Bob can come in . Kay is not standing anywhere . Bad sign . Kay always comes out to greet his guests . Bob steps out of the car , thinks of himself as bigger and meaner than Jack , and manages to get inside Kay 's mobile home without having Jack tear his leg off . He finds Kay on the couch , arms splayed , mouth open , not breathing . He pulls him to the floor , lays him on his back , and attempts CPR . He realizes he has forgotten to pinch his nose shut when the air he exhales into Kay 's mouth comes shooting back out of Kay 's nose . He pinches Kay 's nose shut , tries again . More breaths , this time going where they need to go . Kay gasps and then vomits . Bob knows Kay is back on the planet . He calls the hospital , gives them Kay 's name and says " heart attack " . He hangs up and attends to Kay . The ambulance arrives within minutes and Jack has to be distracted so the paramedics can get out and get to Kay . Soon after they brought Kay into the hospital , I arrived and went to be with him in the small room used for emergencies . He came in and out of consciousness - - muttering to me he was worried about his socks being dirty . He had to be shocked several times to keep his heart going , and I waited just outside with the door open , terrified at what I was seeing . My great and wonderful friend Kay , one of the kindest and warmest people I had ever known , literally , at death 's door , in terrible pain . A plane was summoned and it landed on the small runway adjacent to the hospital . Within a very short period of time , Bob and Kay were in the sky , growing smaller , and then disappearing as the small plane headed West , to Presbyterian Hospital in Albuquerque . Once there , Kay coded several times , but made it to the OR where a cardiac surgeon performed bypass surgery . Twenty years later , just two years ago , he died at the age of 80 . He had lived those intervening years in Zuni in his mobile home under the big cottonwood tree with his little brown VW bug , his horse , and his dogs . When he had his heart attack , he was the age I am now . I don 't think I 'm quite at the level of needing to attend a Twelve Step Program ( Hi . My name is Holly and I 'm a shopaholic ) , but I 'm close , especially if I 'm not working in my studio . I have in my DNA a need to look for things , to hunt , to find , to search out . In a primitive society I would have been the one tracking the deer , calling out the alarm when warring tribes came to destroy the village , sniffing the air for fire or rain . But I wasn 't born in a primitive tribe in the Amazon , I was born into the most affluent culture the world has ever known , chock full of things to be hunted down . So that 's what I do : I hunt for bargains , sales , things that I usually don 't have any need for but that are pennies on the dollar . It 's exciting when I start shopping , and often I find wonderful things , especially at thrift stores : bicycle jerseys , shorts , and shoes ; bikes , boxes of ink jet transparencies ( 20 boxes for $ 2 each ) , Dansko clogs , large rolls of printer paper , an opaque overhead projector , riding breeches . If I 'm not practising my hunting skills at real stores , then I 'm doing it online , Craig 's list being my favorite . At times , as I sift through hanger after hanger of clothing that I don 't particularly like but is marked down 75 % , I wonder just what the hell I 'm doing . It worries me . And as I continue to shop , I think of all the things I could be doing that would make my life and the lives of others better . What redeems me is knowing that once I start working in my studio , this powerful need to find things gets channeled into the making of images and the solving of problems that have to do with those images . It 's the same attention and focus , it 's just much more intense , lasts for longer periods of time , and I don 't have to worry - - at least for awhile - - about finding the right Twelve Step Program to join . I got Bob and Blackie around the same time . I had been dating Bob for just a few months , and one weekend we decided to visit friends in a remote , rural town in Northern New Mexico . On the way there we passed several puppies by the side of the road . We sped on . Several days later , on the way back , we passed one of the puppies , now road kill . I knew there had been more puppies and I began to look . Sure enough , a flash of black and white in the high grass along side the highway . We stopped and gathered up an approximately six week old female Shepard mix . We kept her , named her Blackie and she developed into an absolutely beautiful dog . However , she did have some eccentricities . She was fearless , and could face down any pack of semi - wild reservation dogs that would later , when we moved to Zuni , try to intimidate her . And although domesticated , she had a kind of wildness about her that seemed to lurk right below the surface . I was discovering some of the same things about Bob . Although he didn 't have a need to face anyone down , he did seem to be inhabited by a self that wasn 't all that domesticated , and it seemed sometimes that I might lose him to his feral side ( see Spiral Jetty 2011 October 30 ) . http : / / hollyrobertsonepaintingatatime . blogspot . com / 2011 / 10 / spiral - jetty - 2011 . html The photograph that I used to start this painting was a full frontal face shot of Bob , but a little blurry . When I was done painting , I had created a large Blackie head which lay over Bob 's face , with only his blurry , slightly unfocused eyes remaining as photograph proof of his existence . They both shared the same eyes , the same world view . I realized that it was Bob as Blackie , and Blackie as Bob . I was not someone who had always wanted to have children . Babies especially frightened me . I had no idea what to do with them and the thought of actually owning a baby was a little more then I could handle . So , I waited until I was 35 to have my first daughter , Ramey , and the decision was made more out of fear of waiting too long and not being able to have a child rather then racing to embrace motherhood . My one comforting thought was that my husband , Bob , would be able to deal with the child through baby and toddler hood and then I would take over when it was , say , nine , an age I knew I could ( probably ) deal with . So , Ramey was born via C - section after a long and difficult labor . When I first woke up out of the anesthesia I saw Bob with a baby girl in his arms , both staring down at me with concerned expressions on their faces . I had not had even a glimmer of the power of what a baby could extract out of her parents . It was , of course , complete and utter love at first sight . Oh those hormones I guess . Now , 24 years later , I wonder why I sold this beautiful little painting . Posted by In September I signed up for a bike class with a group call Women Riding Well http : / / womenridingwell . com / . The first few weeks covered basics , such as applying the brakes suddenly without going over the handle bars , riding in a straight line , learning to feel comfortable with someone riding right next to you , etc . As the weeks progressed , we learned about pace lines ( among many other things ) , which meant that we would ride in a line , switching out the leader on a regular basis so that the first person , who would be " pulling " the rest by allowing the others to draft close behind , would get a chance to rest . A few weeks ago , we were riding in our pace lines , refining all the things we had spent the last three months learning . I was leading one of the pace lines just north of Algodones when I noticed the most beautiful dead coyote by the side of the road . I could only glance at it and try and mark where it was so that I could come back later and photograph it . If I stopped suddenly , my line would crash into me , creating a very dangerous situation . About an hour later , we finished our ride just as the rain and wind hit . I drove home with a friend , and as soon as she dropped me off , I changed clothes , grabbed my camera , got in my truck and headed back to where I thought the coyote was , about 40 minutes from my home in Corrales . It was hard to find . It 's one thing to be whizzing along on a bicycle , fairly close to the ground going 17 mph , but quite another to be high up in a truck with someone right behind me wondering why I 'm going so slowly . I made one pass in my truck without any luck , and then finally , on the second try , located the coyote . I parked my truck on the shoulder , got out - - it had started to rain again - - and took numerous photos of the carcass . I don 't know how or when I will use this coyote in an image , but this is how this whole process starts . I 'm out living my life , doing something that has nothing to do with making art , and then suddenly , there it is ; some startling image that I know I have to have . For me , it 's about making the decision to stop and take the photo , or , as in this case , to try and come back when I can . So often I won 't or don 't or can 't take those photos , and I always regret it . I 've found that the one constant in being a photographer is that you can almost never come back and find the image that you missed . After I photograph I always try to thank whatever it is that I 've taken a photo of , whether it be living or dead , animate or inanimate . It 's a gift to me , plain and simple , that I hope to honor by making that initial photo mean something that 's more than what it was . Today my husband , Bob Wilson , and I drove to the Zuni Reservation for the dedication of the new Zuni Wellness Center . It meant getting up early and driving for 2 1 / 2 hours to get there in time for what we thought was the dedication , but in true Zuni fashion , it was really just an arbitrary time which was part of a long day of activities . We did make it in time to see the the Zuni Head Start kids dance , and we were there for the ribbon cutting , then streamed in with everyone else to see the beautiful new facility . It was important to us to be there because 26 years ago , as a physician , Bob had been the founder of the Zuni Wellness Center as part of a program to try to do something about the extremely high prevalence of Type II diabetes in the Zuni population , something that hadn 't really existed in Zuni before the 1940 's . Based on the idea that through diet and exercise it might be possible to control diabetes , Bob worked at implementing this program in the Zuni community . The Zunis took to the program with a passion , and by the time we left , after 8 years in Zuni , there were over 60 aerobics classes every week , not to mention fun - runs and a workout center that Bob and his team had put together . The Zunis continued to work at staying fit , and this new wellness center was a wonderful tribute to their dedication and passion . Because of the religious nature of so much of what went on in Zuni , I had to be very careful about what I photographed , never wanting to even have my camera present when there was something going on that was not to be photographed . However , I was able to photograph the aerobic classes with complete freedom and I did a series of images from those classes . Today I thought about the Zuni Dances that I couldn 't photograph , but could watch , and those aerobic classes ( which I could watch and photograph and participate in ) that were in some ways so similar : they both were a result of the Zuni People working together in physical and spiritual ways to keep their culture alive and healthy . * My Zuni friends told me that currently Zumba is the most popular class . Last Friday night I sat in front of the TV to watch " Blue Bloods " on CBS . It wasn 't a program I had ever watched before , but three of my paintings were going to be used as set dressings for a scene in an episode called " Lonely Hearts Club " . This project came through Film Art LA , a company that represents my artwork and licenses images for movies and TV : http : / / www . filmartla . com . In September I got a call from Jennifer Long , who owns the company , to tell me that my work was being rented for " Blue Bloods " . She explained that " Man Crying " had been requested for use during the scene in which the work would be talked about by the actors . She also let me know my name would be used in dialogue as the fictitious artist . They would be using digital prints - much larger in the scene than in real life . I was asked to sign off on the part of the script that used my name , so I knew exactly what was going to be said . It was thrilling being on TV and seeing my images . I thought it was pretty great being Holly from Red Hook with a nice New York City Gallery and a sympathetic boyfriend named Patrick . You can see the scene with my paintings in the first five minutes of the episode at http : / / www . cbs . com / shows / blue _ bloods / video / $ The image itself was based on the photograph of a close friend who is one of the most stoic people I know . The image was about showing one kind of face on the outside , but having another face happening inside , where it doesn 't show to the world but is deeply felt . I 'm always somewhat surprised at how images portraying distress or sadness offend or push some people away , and it was interesting to me that they used this image as an example of how depressed and angst ridden , or " EDP " ( emotionally dysfunctional people - their words ) artists are . In fact , what the painting is really about is how difficult it is for us to constantly have to hide what we really feel . It 's a kind of cautionary tale about allowing ourselves and others to have true and genuine feelings , whatever they may be . Perhaps it 's because I 'm a middle child , but I 've always had a hard time with jealousy . If something good happens to someone else , I always have to work very hard at being happy for them . What my true , middle child , never - got - enough - love self wants to do is be angry and upset with the fact that those good things aren 't happening to me . I 'm especially jealous when good things happen to other artists : shows , sales , any kind of success no matter how large or how small . Several years ago I had a very attractive young woman student in Gallup , New Mexico in one of my classes through the UNM branch there . I didn 't particularly like this student . She seemed to need more love and attention then I really wanted to give her , especially considering how beautiful she was . However , I successfully kept how I felt from her , and she continued taking classes with me . Towards the end of her time in that area , she had a show at the Public Library in Gallup and ended up selling quite a few of her paintings . When I went to see the show , and the librarian found out I was an artist , she informed me that not just anyone could have a show there , implying that my chances were slim . I was , of course , very jealous . My student applied and got into graduate school on the East Coast , and I wrote a nice letter of recommendation for her in spite of my jealousy . On a trip to New York City , about a year later , I ran into this student quite by accident at the Museum of the American Indian in front of an exhibit of Zuni Kachinas . She was ecstatic to see me , and I pretended the same , but inwardly felt disgruntled . Why her of all people ? It wasn 't too long after this , when I was back in Gallup teaching , that one of my colleagues told me that my student had been killed in an automobile accident in New Jersey . I was devastated . I cried for days . I realized that her success with the Gallup library show had been important in a way that I couldn 't have foreseen , that her short life had a much different trajectory then one that lasts for another 60 years , as hers should have . And mostly I just felt terrible about my petty jealousy and dislike . Another present that showed up at my ( studio ) door was a large , dead , crow that my younger daughter Teal found . I think she was about 10 at the time . She held the crow for me while I photographed it with it 's wings spread , wearing her pajama bottoms and her favorite sweatshirt . We also took photos of the crow spread out on the sidewalk alone , but the ones with Teal were my favorites . Teal is now 21 and a senior at the Kansas City Art Institute , so when she asked me to send as many photographs of myself as I could , I was more then happy to oblige , thinking that she might work my face into one of her drawings , or perhaps , one of her combination embroidery / drawings . One of the drawings I sent was a self portrait I took of myself in my late 20 's . I had tried out a cream that was supposed to help my complexion in some mysterious way and while I can 't remember that the cream did much , I loved the way it became , literally , a mask . A few days ago I opened up a link to Teal 's blog , " Rattime all the Time " , http : / / tealscookin . blogspot . com / and found myself staring back at me . The bulk of the crow is embroidered , and the rest graphite , including the chest of the crow and my face . She had based my portrait on the facial cream photo , and of course , my mind went back to the crow connection that we had shared so many years ago . I don 't know if Teal thought about the crow she had brought me so many years ago when she did this piece , but I know the memory exists in her artist 's brain , just as it does in mine . One morning , when I went to gather the dog 's bowls so I could feed them , I found a present waiting for me on the back porch . It was a rather large , dead , duck . I knew who the gift was from ( the dogs ) , I just wasn 't sure how they had gotten it . Whatever , I was thrilled , and took as many photos as I could of the lovely bird before burying it so the dogs wouldn 't continue to " re - gift " . Later I discovered broken glass in one of my high studio windows where the duck had hit , then fallen , probably with a broken neck . Over the years I 've used bits and pieces of this duck to make countless images . In my mind , I 'm bringing him back to life , and in this case , fairly minimally : just the head , with a human eye , attached to a dictionary page that forms the body , and wings that are made of dirt and gravel . This isn 't a bird that 's going to fly anymore . He 's walking on top of an aerial view of one of the many cities that I fly over and photograph whenever I travel . In this case , probably Los Angels , sprawling , freeways and cars everywhere . It 's what he would see if he could fly , but then of course , he wouldn 't be able to land anywhere since the city is so densly populated for so many miles . Posted by This past weekend , my husband , Bob Wilson , and I took a trip to the Great Salt Lake to visit Robert Smithson 's Spiral Jetty . It was just barely visible under the purple water , and Bob decided to try to walk out to the tip of the spiral . He removed his shoes , then his pants , and started out . The water was cold and the basalt rocks slippery . The temperature of the air was about 55 degrees , and the water slightly colder , so it was not pleasant . He made it out about 1 / 3 of the way and then decided that his feet were too cold and that he was running the risk of slipping and cutting his feet as they became more and more numb , so he turned back and started in . He discovered , about 15 feet from the shore , that he could actually just walk alongside the jetty in the sand , thus eliminating the risk of hurting himself . As a young couple together , Bob and I would often go out and have adventures much like this . Bob would do something totally unexpected , usually somewhat dangerous , and I would photograph him . His actions usually involved physical suffering , or finding something that he could do that might result in bodily harm if he wasn 't careful . Whatever he did , it always took all his attention . I think now that it was his way of making himself completely present and connected to his world . I couldn 't do what he did , but I could certainly appreciate and record and then make something more of his involvement . Over the years , I made many paintings using these photographs of Bob as a base . They were critical to my beginnings as an artist , helping me see where I needed to go . Our first dog was an English Pointer that we named Robbie . My parents had her bred to another English Pointer when she was about two years old . Subsequently she had a litter of about 9 or 10 puppies , one of the better memories of my childhood . Because spaying and neutering were not really options for dogs in the fifties , we had a small wire pen built for Robbie whenever she came into heat , and she would be put in that pen for several weeks every year . At nine years old , I knew what was going on - that it took a male dog to make puppies - and I was dying to repeat the experience of our previous puppies . So , one afternoon when I was alone at home with Robbie , and she was in heat , I opened the gate to the pen and let one of the more persistent dogs in with her . And sure enough , they did what dogs do . He got on top and started working away . My plan was to let the male dog out when he was done , shut the gate , and no one would be the wiser until the puppies showed up . But it didn 't go as I had planned . The male dog seemed to finish , and dropped off of Robbie . But then , to my horror , he stayed joined to Robbie , attached by his penis . It was awful . I didn 't know what to do , only that I had to do something because something was clearly very wrong . I called my stepfather , Nick , and crying , told him that one of the dogs had forced his way past me into the pen and that now they were stuck . Nick must have been close , because he showed up fairly quickly , careening around the corner of the driveway in our old black Chevy pickup . He got out , went over to the dogs , got a stick and started hitting the male dog . He wasn 't angry or upset , just pragmatically working at getting the dogs apart . Sure enough , it worked , the dog was able to free himself and he ran off after Nick gave him another emphatic thump with the stick . I sobbed and sobbed , watching Nick through the fence . I 'm not sure now which was worse : getting caught or witnessing the two joined dogs , looking as miserable and frightened as I felt . I have no sons , and I am a daughter , so my experience of mothers and sons is only observed , not known personally . I am married to a man who , like almost every man on the planet , has a complex relationship with his mother . My older brother and I share the same mother , so I have known that relationship for almost 58 years now . And then I watch the male world : men who are powerful , men who are babies , men who are good and kind , men who heal and men who destroy . I wonder what kind of mother each one of those men had . This mother longs for her son , but I don 't think it 's a good kind of longing . Notice her feet aren 't moving - she only makes the motion of caring , but doesn 't really have to follow up . The son is child sized , but has a man 's head . He appears to be trying to get away , but doesn 't look very distressed . The background lines - sewing patterns - create a kind of chaotic directional order : Come back , go away , leave me . Stay . I can 't live without you . I 'll get you ! No I won 't . I didn 't mean that . Yes I did . The son stays just out of reach , but will never really leave her sight . I 'm not sure they can survive without each other . When I was a child we had neighbors who were for all intents and purposes my grandparents even though they weren 't really . Joe died of lung cancer when I was 18 or 19 , Jane a few years later of the same thing . I can remember Jane coming to visit , sitting on the high stool at our kitchen counter , a cigarette in one hand , legs curled around each other , smoke curling up around her face as she discussed the world with me , my mother , and my stepfather , " Nickie " as she liked to call him . After they died , I missed them both tremendously , especially Jane . I think they were in their late fifties or early sixties when they died , close to the age I am now . This woman showed up in 2006 . I pieced her from photographs of many things : boulders from a trip to Colorado , the cement floor from the parking garage where my husband works , my hands , and Jesus , taken from a painted wall along the highway on that same New Mexico to Colorado route . She 's relaxed and confident . She thinks that with Jesus inside her she will be okay , that nothing can harm her . Under her left leg is a little warning which says , " please be careful " . But she doesn 't need to pay attention , she 's got Jesus . In the 1980 's National Geographic Magazine did an article about hyenas . In the article were a series of photographs that have stayed with me ever since . They were black and white , taken at night using flash so that the images were very harsh . They were sequential , showing the zebra being surrounded by hyenas , attacked , and then brought down . I cut the pictures out of the magazine and had them up on my studio wall for years . The pictures captured that instant when something living goes from being alive to not ; death , the inevitability of it , and the fear and darkness surrounding the event . My zebra was originally a horse . All it took to transform him were a few scratched stripes and white markings on his face and legs . The hyenas are also pretty minimal - just really teeth and small dark bodies , not really very hyena like at all . And then finally , I added the palm trees to make it clear that this was some place foreign , clearly not New Mexico , certainly Africa . My husband , Bob , has always been pretty much enslaved by TV . One of those There is a power greater than myself and it is TV kinds of things . At one point , realizing the depth and breadth of his addiction , he decided that he would only watch TV when I turned it on , meaning that he couldn 't initiate any TV watching himself , could only watch when and what I wanted to view . But being an intelligent man , he found a way around those limitations . If he waited until I went to bed , leaving him alone with the TV , he could unplug the it instead of turning it off . Then he could come back and plug it in anytime he wanted , not violating the terms of his agreement with himself . He wasn 't " turning it on " , just plugging it in . Getting old is like going out to sea on a boat that you know isn 't seaworthy . You know this boat won 't be coming back , and that at some point you and the boat will both be going down . You don 't know if it will go down slowly , a bolt popping out here and there with water starting to slowly fill the boat , or suddenly , poof , just like that , sink . All you can do is cast off , and hope the waves won 't toss you too badly and that you 'll have enought to nourish you until the end . And that finally , as the waves wash over your head , you 'll be able to see your life 's journey as being everything that it could have been . In the fall of 2008 , I was teaching a workshop in Alaba a . As I went around the large room , helping each person in the class , one of my students told me that she was on the phone with her husband , and that the stock market was dropping fa t . I had about 20 students , so it took me awhile to work my way back to her as I made my roun s . Every time I got to her , she told me the market had gone down even furth r . Of course , that was the day of the big cra h . The weeks that followed were a time of uncertainty and dread , and , as it turns out , just the cracking of the lid of what was to become a deep and dark Pandora 's box full of troubl As a young woman , I loved the works of Carlos Casteneda . I couldn 't wait for each new book to come out , and I would read and re - read the books on a regular basis . I even developed a way of seeing the world , which broke people into Stalkers and Dreamers based on what Carlos had to say ( which I still use to this day ) . In graduate school I did a paper about Diane Arbus and Shamanism , which proposed that , had she been born into a culture which practiced Shamanism , Arbus would have been a Shaman , and her death would have been symbolic rather then real . I imagined that artists could act as Shamans in our society , but I wasn 't sure what that really meant . For instance , I wasn 't sure any of us could control natural events , or heal people , and the divination part was a little dicey for me . I fasted , I read , I talked and studied shamanism , but I didn 't ever think I was a Shaman , and only once met a man who claimed that he was . I wasn 't sure , but he talked a good line which made me suspicious that he wasn 't the real deal . However , something has been going on all these years that does address a Shamanistic part of me . Every so often , a painting will emerge that will be about animals that are people , and people that are animals . I don 't think about the paintings before hand , and when I start a piece , I have no idea of where it 's going . I 'm always surprised by what happens , especially when these animal / people show up . I have a hard time explaining them . I 'm not really sure what they mean , just that they are honest and make a deep connection , first with me , then with other people outside myself . I wonder sometimes if I , like Arbus , might have been Shaman material in another place and time , and in this culture , only able to bring up remnants of the ability to go between the two worlds , unable to know the real meaning of what my paintings are saying . My husband , Bob Wilson , did his residency in Family Practice Medicine at Good Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix , Arizona . It was a three year program and involved him doing rotations in different specialties : surgery , pediatrics , internal medicine etc . In each rotation he was assigned an on call schedule . This meant that when he was on call , he would go into the hospital in the morning , see patients all day , stay at the hospital that night to see whatever emergencies arose , then start the next day seeing patients all over again . It meant that , at times , he might go for 36 hours without sleep . With luck , he might be able to sleep for an hour or two before being interrupted , usually by something urgent . By the time he got home after being on call , he was exhausted . He would topple over onto the bed where he would immediately fall into a deep sleep . I would remove as many of his clothes as I could , cover him up and wait for him to wake the next day . The next morning he would wake , dress , shave , eat , and then head out to the hospital . A good rotation mean that he only had to take call once a week , but with some of the rotations he took call every 4th or 5th night . I can only imagine the stress that he was under : sleep deprived , a new doctor , asked to make critical decisions about health care for someone he most probably had never seen before . When he finished his residency , we moved to the Zuni Indian Reservation so that Bob could practice medicine at the small , beautiful hospital that served the over 8 , 000 residents of Zuni . Along with the approximately six other doctors that worked with him , Bob was once again asked to take call . This call schedule was more humane . He could come home on the nights he was on call and at times get by giving the nurses instructions over the phone . He had an amazing ability to wake up from a deep sleep , and with no grogginess or confusion , listen to the conversation , give orders or advice , then hang up the phone and immediately drop back into the same deep sleep . He no longer takes call in his medical practice , and hasn 't for a number of years . However , he doesn 't sleep as well anymore , and often wakes up in the night and finds it difficult to fall back asleep . Posted by This past April , a good friend of ours was mowing his lawn , getting ready for a family get together with his wife , and three of his four grown children . It was a beautiful day , sunny without being too hot . He came inside , complained of some pain in his shoulder to his wife , got a drink of water , then went back out , started to mow again and dropped dead . I did this painting the afternoon of the day we found out that our friend had died . It 's about his death , that Dark Rider that shows up to escort us to the other side , whatever that is . The crows underfoot , supporting the horse and rider . The sky , dark and swirling with small bits of yellow shining through . The rider , calm but stern , the horse with his large , kind , human eye . I 've since wondered what our friend 's last thoughts were : were they about a pesky section of grass that kept popping up as he was mowing , or was he thinking about his life , his family , perhaps what they were going to have on the barbecue later that afternoon . His daughter told us that when she saw him laying on the grass and ran to him , he had a smile on his face . He was 53 . Two and 1 / 2 months later , in July , another good friend died suddenly , this time of an aneurysm . Talking on the phone to a good friend , someone he deeply loved , he experienced a terrible headache , then dropped the phone as he fell to the floor . She was able to call 911 , and they took my good friend to the Hospital where he went in and out of consciousness , dying early the next day . I didn 't do a piece about this friend 's death . My grief was too large . I did this image in the early 1980 's . At that time I lived on the Zuni Indian Reservation , and would often make the long drive between Zuni and Albuquerque . We traveled on a two lane black top from Zuni to Grants , then picked up I - 40 to head on into Albuquerque for shopping , the airport , whatever we couldn 't get in Gallup or Zuni . On this particular trip I happened to pull over at a wide place in the road that we would sometimes stop at just before we got to the intersection of I - 40 . On one of the fence posts ( all fences are barbed wire with either metal or wooden fence posts ) I saw a steers ' head stuck onto the fence post . It was askew , titled to one side . It hadn 't been there too long , the eyes still looked back at me . A few crows sat on the nearby posts , waiting to start in . I had my camera , photographed the head , then proceeded on . 30 years later I wonder what that head was doing there . Had someone poached the steer , then stuck the head on the fence as a kind of sticking their tongue out gesture , or had someone just wanted to get rid of a steers ' head they had riding around in the back of their pickup ? I didn 't think of it at the time , just took the photo and went on my way . Later , when I printed the head out and started my painting , I found myself bringing him back to life , alive and well in a vibrant New Mexico landscape . The painting went to my first New York City show where it sold , and , hopefully keeps on living somewhere in that area . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Posted on June 7 , 2017 by ryan795 5 Hawk . Hawk Hook . My best friend throughout the majority of my life . My best friend , the guy who 's heart I broke . The guy who must think I killed his mother . As soon as I realized who he was , I quickly searched around me for somewhere to run . I needed to get away from him before he started yelling at me and accusing me . But I wasn 't fast enough . " I 'm so happy , you 're alive ! All this time , I thought you were dead . You have no idea how happy I am to see you . " He ranted as he threw himself on me for a bear hug . It felt like he was holding onto me for dear life . " Really ? After all this time ? " I smiled , maybe I wasn 't so alone after all . " After everything … " I let my voice trail off . I didn 't want to mention it . " Absolutely . You mean the world to me , Thorn . I was so worried . I thought you were dead , or hurt somewhere . It killed me that I couldn 't trace you down . " He pulled me into another hug . " I just can 't believe you 're really here . " " No , it 's okay . I can 't put you out like that . " I felt bad , just randomly stumbling into his life . I had so much emotional baggage , and a baby . I didn 't want to burden him with it . " Nonsense . You 're family . Both of you . C ' mon , let 's get you back to my house . You can clean up , and we can catch up . " He glanced briefly at my still bloody hands . It was so gross , but I couldn 't get myself to wash them yet . It was all I had left of Pepper . " You 're never a burden . Besides , I wouldn 't be able to live with myself if you and your son were out on the streets . " He smiled sadly . I put Aspen down for a much - needed nap on Hawk 's bed , then came out and sat down on the couch with him . It was slightly awkward , it had been so long since we 'd seen each other , and so much had happened . I knew he had questions . I did as well . " About a year ago . I came here to go to school . And to get a fresh start . I needed one . " He wrung out his hands nervously . " I know it wasn 't your fault . Aloe was a creep . I 'm assuming he tried to hurt you , and my mother sacrificed herself to help you . Is that what happened ? " " I know you . I know you wouldn 't shoot my mother . And I know Aloe . He 's definitely capable of something like that . And I knew my mother . She loved you as much as she loved me , she protected you like you were her own son . I knew she would die for you , and that 's exactly what she did . I 'm glad she did . " " Of course . I 'm glad her death was meaningful . And , I 'm glad her death wasn 't for nothing . " He placed a hand on my knee . " I 'm so glad you 're alright . " " I can 't imagine what you 've gone through . It must 've been hell . But , you 're safe now . I 'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you here . " He let go of my knee and he smiled at me . " I really missed you , Thorn . " " You don 't have to tell me what happened to you . You don 't have to say anything you don 't want to . But I want you to know I 'm here for you . I really care about you . " He averted my eyes and looked down at his hands . It sort of looked like he was blushing . " Of course . " He wrapped his arms around my neck . We stood there for a few moments , just embracing each other . It was such a nice feeling . I missed him so much . " I 'm exhausted . " I laughed . " It 's taken me days to get here , and I 've had to watch Aspen the whole time . " " Are you sure ? I 'm pretty disgusting . " I admitted . Suddenly I was very self - conscious about how I smelled . I probably smelled awful . My face burned with embarrassment , I didn 't want to look like such a mess in front of him . When I woke up , it took me a few moments to get my bearings . I was disoriented , I slept so much I forgot where I was and how I got there . But soon I remembered everything . I remembered that there was supposed to be a baby in the bed next to me , but he wasn 't there . " Hawk have you … " I burst out of the bedroom to find Hawk holding Aspen in his arms . Hawk had this wide , dopey smile on his face . It was kind of adorable . " Hey , sorry to scare you . " He looked up at me . " Aspen was crying , you were in such a deep sleep you didn 't hear him . I hope you don 't mind , I 've been caring for him today . " " Y ' know , having a kid . I can 't imagine pregnancy was easy for you . " He told me . I realized that Hawk thought Aspen was my biological son . This was going to be tricky to explain . " Well he 's still your son . And he 's beautiful . " Hawk smiled at Aspen . " He 's very lucky , he 's got an amazing guy for a dad . " He looked at me . Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . |
Copyright - Keith R Wilson - 2016 The Lisping Barista writes a gratitude list So , here I am , the madwoman in the attic . I always knew it would come down to this . Wait , that 's not all . I got an angry drug dealer who used to be my boyfriend and all his henchmen after me ; my current boyfriend shot me in the arm ; and the Spellbinding Fish Fry are playing in Ohio by now . Can things get any worse ? The Fry have got a song where they say when things get bad , just go through all the things you 're grateful for . That 's what I 'll do . Just like in the song . They start off with some things about the sun and the sky , but I can 't start there because I 'm stuck in the attic and can 't see either one of them . But , let 's see . There must be something I 'm grateful for . I got drugs . Not just Vicodin or Percosets , I 've got a guy bringing me oxies . That 's what he does for me . And he gives me all of them , even though he has a broken collar bone and all I got is a bullet graze on my arm . I 'd rather have some weed , but that would entail going to my drug dealer ex - boyfriend , hazardous for him and impossible for me , so we have to settle for what he can get from his doctor , his dentist , the good people at the emergency room , and any other doctors he can find . The oxies put me in a permanent state of suspension from my body , like the two of us have agreed to disagree and are calling it quits from each other for a while . My body 's always been better off without me , anyway . We get along better this way , if you know what I mean . I got the nicest guy in the world , who thinks he 's in love with me . He isn 't the guy I 'd pick because I don 't pick nice guys , but he 's a guy who brings me drugs and straightens out these old dresses I sleep on every morning like they 're a bed to be made . He brings me food when I need it and even a pot to piss and shit in . Then he empties the pot so I don 't have to go downstairs . As nice as he is , I figured out he 's not one of the thirty - six people alive who 're keeping the world from being destroyed . He got disqualified when he shot me because no one like that would 've shot anyone for any reason . That 's why I don 't mind him shooting me so much . It takes a lot of the pressure off me , having to keep him good , so as not to destroy the world . The fact that I don 't have to keep him good means that I 'm free to fuck him , but the weirdo never wants to fuck . I 've quit asking . He 's always afraid his sister will hear us . There 's something about those two I can 't put my finger on . It 's like he 's really married to his sister and I 'm the mistress he 's trying to keep a secret . A mistress he never fucks . Notice that I said he thinks he 's in love with me . I didn 't say he is in love with me . He doesn 't know me . In fact , all this love is getting in the way of him knowing a thing about me . It keeps him from seeing me for the loser I am . So , he keeps loving me , which is what he wants to do . He just wants to love someone , so he invents someone to love . Notice I didn 't say I 'm in love with him . Although , he 's cool , I guess . It doesn 't make any sense , but it 's the love he thinks he has for me that 's getting in the way of any loving I could do . It 's like he doesn 't need it from me . I can treat him as bad as I want and he 'd still go right on loving me because he can 't see a thing . If things keep going on like this , I could end up hating him because he pays no attention to me , even though he 's up my ass constantly . Chai Latte is the guy I really love , for all the shit he 's done to me . I think it 's like this . You don 't fall in love and then choose a person . You choose them first and then fall in love with them because you chose them . And you choose them before you know them , so you don 't really need to know them to love them . In fact , it 's better if you don 't know them . Also , only one person in a couple can choose . That 's why only one person can do the loving . The one who doesn 't do the loving ends up hating because everyone wants to be the one who gets the choice , even though it 's hard and you 've got to work hard and get beat up . That 's the way it is . It 's not the way we want it , so it takes a while before we understand . For now , I 'm happy being the one loved , rather than having to do all the loving . It 's easier that way , even though I don 't get to choose . Screw choice . For whatever reason it 's important , I guess I have to include on my gratitude list the fact that the sister doesn 't know I 'm in the house . When I worked at the cafe , I 'd see her come in wearing her long dresses and cardigans , no matter how hot it is outside . She asks me if I 've seen him and , when I say no , she looks like she wouldn 't believe anything I would say , anyway . Then she gets a look in her eye that tells me there 's a whole lot of crazy going on . I got this attic all to myself . There 's a broken window on one end and a good one on the other that 's really dirty . Birds fly in and out whenever they want . It 's like I 'm a bird in a cage and the real birds are free to come over and see me . They whistle their songs to me and I learn to whistle them back . It makes them happy when I talk like them . When I get bored , I go through the boxes up here and find all the things these people kept and forgot they had . That 's what gratitudes are , I guess . Stuff we got in the attic and didn 't even know we had . The Fry ought to add something in their song about that . I 'll have to tell them . No gratitude list would be complete if I didn 't add the Spellbinding Fish Fry . It breaks my heart that I can 't be with them right now and I left my music behind when I ran out of Chai Latte 's , but I got all their songs in my head . Anytime I want , I can just sing them . It also warms my heart to know that out in Ohio , they and all the Deep Fries are working hard to bring peace , love , and understanding to the world . I am starting to see that , when I get more understanding , it changes what I know about love . I don 't know about peace . Peace could turn out to be very different from what I imagined it would be , just like love . It might turn out to be something I don 't want , either . My boyfriend can 't find me here . The drug - dealing boyfriend , Chai Latte , I mean . He 's going to be pissed when he finds out I 'm gone and even more pissed when he finds out I took the money under his bed . I would 've taken more if I could carry it . I would 've taken less if he hadn 't been such a prick . But then I wouldn 't have needed to run away at all , would I ? When I 'm not snooping around the attic , I 'm counting my money . Three thousand hundred dollar bills . More than this girl has ever see in her life , certainly all at once ; probably more than I got from every shit job I ever had . So , what am I doing , hanging around in this attic like a madwoman , or a caged bird , or a kept mistress who never gets fucked when I 've got all this money ? That 's the thing that erases all the gratitudes . I can 't leave because of that prick I love , Chai Latte . He 's got to be watching my car and he 'll kill me . What was I thinking ? I never should have let the nice guy drag me up here in his attic , but I thought it was a good idea for someone to love me . I should have taken off while I could have . Now , I 've got to lay low for a while , at least as long as the drugs hold out . Then I make my move and do my part in spreading peace , love , and understanding to the whole world . Peace and understanding at least . Posted on April 29 , 2017Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista writes a gratitude list Rabbi ! shares a parable You may be wondering , Dear Reader , why I , S Harry Zade , don 't come right out and tell you what happened to the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista . Why do I dick around with these long digressions ? What is it with the rabbit trail of the Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat ? Who cares about the agonies and the ecstasy of Kenilworth 's resident saint when there 's real action going on . Time is money , you might be saying ; let 's get on with it . Enough of this swirling around suburban streets ; where 's the highway ? Indeed , enough of the journey ; it 's time we arrived at our destination . Are we there yet ? Similarly , you may also be wonder why I , S Harry Zade , as a literary stylist , don 't favor the pared down style of simple , direct , and unadorned prose that 's so much in vogue . Less , is more , the writing teachers say . Take out all necessary words say the resident geniuses at Bread Loaf and Iowa Writers Workshop . Remove everything but the minimal necessary to convey meaning . A journalistic style was good enough for Hemingway ; why isn 't it good enough for me ? Well , there 's a couple reasons why . One practical ; the other deep . The practical reason is that I 'm a fictional character whose sole purpose in life is to be your narrator . I live to tell stories and will get killed off the moment I 'm done telling them . In a sense , I 'm paid by the hour and will linger by the time clock for as long as I can before I punch out . The deep reason is why you should indulge me . It 's what you get out of it . It justifies bushwhacking through the brambles when you could be at camp , eating s ' mores by the fire , already , before stretching out for an early bed . Of course , I can 't just tell you the deep reason ; I have to impart it my own way . It reminds me of another sermon by the Laughing Rabbi , as he told it to us at the Epiphany Cafe . There was a man who lived way up in the hills and ate nothing but raw wheat , which he grew himself . Day in and day out , nothing but plain wheat . It sounded horrible to us . No caramel almond milk lattes , no peanut butter cookies as big as a dinner plate , no cheesy smushed paninis , no scones , no danishes ; why , not even any sandwich wraps . The man came to town one day , got hungry , and looked for something to eat . None of the stores had raw wheat . None of the restaurants served raw wheat . He walked into a bakery . They had something which they called bread . They sold him some bread . It had a hard , flaky crust on the outside and a soft , warm , fragrance inside . The showed him how to drizzle honey on it and he ate . " I 'll have that , " said the man from the hills . He ate the croissant with strawberry jam , just like they showed him . " How do you like it ? " asked the baker . " Can I get you anything to take home with you ? " asked the baker . " Besides bread , croissants , and cupcakes , I also have biscotti , danish , muffins , scones , turnovers , cookies , pies , tarts , cakes , baguettes , and rolls . Maybe you 'd like to try them ? " " Why would I take anything home with me ? I already have wheat , and eat wheat every day . If wheat is the basic ingredient of everything you make , then I 've already had it all . " The laughing rabbi laughed . We didn 't laugh . As laughing rabbi stories go , this was one of his better stories ; but , what did it mean ? We didn 't get the point . Ever since the enlightenment , Western men and women have been preoccupied with narrowing everything down to the essentials . This has resulted in the elocution of the laws of physics and all the advances of science ; but it has also given us reductionism in philosophy and fundamentalism in religion . It 's brought us impersonal architecture , unrecognizable art , and incomprehensible literature . We have turned people into numbers and governance into bureaucracy . We would just as soon interact with machines than people . We 've dismissed everything that makes life worth living as mere fluff . We have become a civilization of wheat eaters . So , there you have it . What would you rather have , Dear Reader ? Bread , croissants , and cupcakes , biscotti , danish , muffins , scones , turnovers , cookies , pies , tarts , cakes , baguettes , and rolls , or raw wheat ? Posted on April 9 , 2017April 8 , 2017Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on Rabbi ! shares a parable The Lisping Barista and the Geeky Guy nurse their wounds The Geeky Guy had seen a bottle of hydrogen peroxide around the house , somewhere . He was looking in all the possible places without resorting to asking his sister or going downstairs , where his sister might speak to him . He moved the broken electronics that were blocking the linen closet door : TVs , flat and bulging ; phones , cordless and corded ; radios , big and small ; fishing boat sonar processors ; VCRs ; laptops ; printers ; fax machines ; scanners ; barometers ; GPS receivers ; CD players ; woofers and sub woofers ; all the treasures he had picked up on garbage day and said he 'd fix . They were all in the way now . He had found the greatest treasure of his life , shot her , brought her home , and needed to fix her ; but he couldn 't find the damn peroxide . She said it was OK , she 'd heard it wasn 't good for wounds , she 'd just use soap and water . She said she didn 't need a hospital , it wasn 't that bad , it had only grazed her . She said she was glad he came , thankful he found her , sorry she hit him with a baseball bat . No , she 'd rather not go to the hospital . A doctor was unnecessary . She didn 't have insurance . This was the perfect place to hide . Chai Latte would never find her here , in this house . No one would come to look for her here , it looked haunted , and no one would suspect she was with him , the Geeky Guy . He needn 't worry . It was fine . He should be doing something for his shoulder . But it wasn 't fine . The peroxide wasn 't in the medicine cabinet , either . Nor , in the bedroom . Nor any other place you would or wouldn 't expect to find it . He came across some ancient gauze his parents had bought twenty years ago for an occasion just like this . There was some first aid tape , so old it lost its stick . There was some disinfecting stuff you sprayed ; but not the peroxide . What was the use of having peroxide if you couldn 't find it when you needed it , when you shot the girl you regarded as your wife and she was sitting on your bed in your bedroom , where no girl had been before , bleeding into the sheets . The sheets were none too clean to be bleeding into , she thought , as she sat bleeding into them . The Lisping Barista was never one to be too fastidious , but she had limits to the grodiness she could accept . She looked around . She wasn 't the most organized person in the world , but she had never seen anything like it . He could barely open the door to squeeze in the room . From there to the bed there was a path where you couldn 't put two feet side by side . Even the bed was partly covered by electronics . A desk had soldering equipment , a bright light , bins of screws , screwdrivers , and pliers , but no peroxide . The room was more of a workshop than a living space . She was relieved when the Geeky Guy , later , after he had given up on the peroxide and dressed her wound , said that she couldn 't stay where his sister could find her . She would have to hide in the attic . It was a major project just to get to the attic door . The door was right there , in his room , behind boxes , piles of laundry , and a garbage can that hadn 't been emptied in ten years . He , with a bad shoulder , and she , with a a bullet hole , together moved the objects , as if they only had two good arms between them . At last they could open the attic door , and they went up the stairs , brushing back the cobwebs , and seeking the chain of a single , bare light . The house on High Street had been in the Geeky Guy 's family since it was built in Victorian times and , since the family had never left , the attic accumulated the detritus of generations . Dusty furniture . Hat boxes . An old daguerreotype camera with a black hood . Trunks that hadn 't been opened in a century . Paintings that only briefly saw the light of day . At one end of the attic a window was broken and allowed the entry of starlings . Though the dirty window at the other end , a streetlight shone . A dressmaker 's dummy produced a headless silhouette against the light that caused them both to come up short . The Geeky Guy thought it was the black ghost of his mother , come to reproach him for clashing with his sister . The Lisping Barista thought it was his sister , who was known to be otherworldly creepy . When reason took over , they cleared a space on the floor , and made a bed out of some old dresses . Once the Lisping Barista threw out the whalebone corsets and arranged a bustle to serve as a pillow , the crude mattress wasn 't half bad . The attic was as crammed with junk as the rest of the house and anything they disturbed would precipitate bouts of sneezing . On a scale of luxury , the attic couldn 't compare to the soft bed , multiple pillows , and fine thread Egyptian cotton sheets of Chai Latte , but the Lisping Barista felt safe with the Geeky Guy , even though , less than an hour ago , he had shot her . The Lisping Barista , being who she was , as soon as she got comfortable , began to get amorous . The Geeky Guy , being who he was , was unprepared for this . He could play the part of Knight in Shining Armor to a T ; but , when it came to sex , he was lost at C . As usual , she was more than willing to make up for his hesitation with her stimulation , but a problem began to arise . It seems that , when one is shot , or hit on the shoulder with a baseball bat , it doesn 't hurt so much at first . Adrenaline , endorphins , shock , crisis , surprise , and relief take over . Then you get busy looking for the peroxide . It 's not until later , after you bring your love home to stay and after you make a bed for yourself out of silk dresses , that it starts to hurt ; and , when it hurts , it hurts like a son - of - a - gun . They discussed a solution . The Geeky Guy would go to the hospital and have someone look at his shoulder . He would say that he had engaged in some sort of a construction project in his house and a beam fell on it . He would get it x - rayed , have them sling a sling , and above all , bring back plenty of Oxies . On that last point , the Lisping Barista was insistent . Percosets would do if they wouldn 't give out Oxies , but he had to come back with something . Don 't act like you want them too much , don 't ask for them by name , but don 't leave for home without them . They needed Oxies enough for both of them and she wasn 't going to go to any hospital where Chai Latte would find her and the cops would start asking questions about why she was shot . She couldn 't go , so he had to and bring back the Oxies . Like she said , Percosets would be fine and even Codeine would be better than nothing ; Fentanyl would be lovely . And she was going to need them more than he because , after all , it 's a more serious thing to be shot than to have a tap on the shoulder , but don 't tell them it was just a tap on the shoulder . Tell them it hurts and you can 't sleep , and you can 't do anything , because of the pain , so they give you plenty of Oxies . The Geeky Guy said that 's what he 'd do and she made him practice saying it . My shoulder hurts so bad . It 's a ten on a ten point scale . I 'll be careful not to abuse them . I don 't want to get addicted . Ow ! Eww ! Damn it , that hurts ! Thank you . Is that going to help ? It was a good thing that the Lisping Barista made the Geeky Guy repeat his lines . He wouldn 't have known what to say . Moreover , he wasn 't paying close attention . His mind was on the headless dressmaker 's dummy in the attic and on the bodiless head of his mother that had been tossed on his lap . Posted on January 4 , 2017December 29 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags F , fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista and the Geeky Guy nurse their wounds The High Street Witch pets her cat With such a large cast of characters associated with the Epiphany Cafe , it 's inevitable that I will neglect someone . You may have been wondering what the High Street Witch has been up to . Now that the Lisping Barista has swung her bat and the Geeky Guy has fired his gun , you may be thinking it 's high time we returned to High Street to see what the witch is doing . Well , if so , today is your lucky day . We 're heading there now ; and so are the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista . The witch was sitting in the front room , petting her black cat and cackling at her sitcoms , not far from the door through which they entered . The Geeky Guy had never been the type to sneak in ; but he never brought a girl home with him , either . Theirs was an ancient house , a warren of undersized rooms which were filled with piles and piles of junk ; creating a labyrinth of passageways to insure that nothing could escape . He was sneaking in now , relying on the stacks of newspapers by the door to avoid her questions . The sitcoms were not so absorbing so as to occupy all the High Street Witch 's mind or her senses . Nothing her brother did ever got past her , although she may not understand it all . She hadn 't been like a mother to him all these years for nothing , although it seemed that way now . She had eyes in the back of her head , like a mother , and she had ears by the door . In fact , she was more of a mother than their mother had even been , as she often found a reason to say . Her brother had been acting strangely , ever since that girl infiltrated their lives . He came home very late from the date and never told her a thing about it . He 'd always told her everything , even when there was nothing to say . Then , she heard he bought a coffee shop . A coffee shop ! Except for drinking coffee , what could he know about coffee shops ? But , if going on a date and buying a coffee shop was all that had happened , it would 've been quite unusual , indeed . But nothing could hurt as much as the single , cruel , selfish thing he did , then . She had left college the very night of their parent 's accident without even packing her stuff . She got on a Greyhound bus that worried through every town , till she arrived at the hospital and found him sitting alone with his clothes covered in blood , too sad to even cry . She never returned to school , foreswearing her own life , in favor of devotion to his . She never asked for anything in exchange , but there was one thing she liked . The very night she returned , he took a bath and dressed pre - pubescently in his PJ 's . She walked through the rambling , dreadfully desolate , old house and thought , how could only two fill this space ? When he went to his room for the night and she went to hers , it was as she was totally alone in the world . No , worse than that . It was as if she had been thrown off the world and was hurtling through the vacancy of space . It was then that her little brother did the most wonderful thing . He knocked on her door . And she did the most natural , motherly thing . She opened the sheets to let him in . They spent that night in full embrace . Two lost children , there for each other , with no one else in the world . That 's the way it had been for years until the High Street Witch found out about the girl , went to the coffee shop , and attempted to cast her spell . You remember the spell , don 't you ? The cruel , calculating , guilt - inducing accusation , designed to preserve a stagnant status quo . " You wish I 'd died with them ; don 't you ? " she had said . " You wish you had my decapitated head under your arm , too . Then you 'd be free to do what you want . " The spell had always worked before . Whenever he would say he would sleep in his own room , she would cast the spell and they would be back in her bed that night , her head ironically tucked under his arm . But the night he returned from that date , he did the cruel thing . He went straight to his old room , evicted the broken electronics they had piled on the bed , and slept there , without a word . It just wasn 't fair . So , now he was coming home with that girl , whispering by the door . They didn 't even stop to explain , but went straight upstairs , leaving the High Street Witch to her sitcoms and the cat . When the footfalls settled upstairs , the cat startled , clawed her legs , and darted to the kitchen , its tail high . As the laugh track on the sitcom guffawed , a lone tear , cast off its faltering orb , careened down the witch 's cheek . Posted on December 21 , 2016December 15 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The High Street Witch pets her cat The Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista meet at the doorway Chai Latte had no reason to ring the bell when he got home ; he had a key . But he might have forgotten his key , so the Lisping Barista thought it was Chai Latte , who rang the bell . His ringing the bell and her answering the door , definitely made it harder for her to hide behind the door and clobber him over the head with a baseball bat . The Geeky Guy expected that , when he rang the bell , there would be a fight before he could get in . He was ready for a fight , he had a gun ; but hearing the Lisping Barista saying come in sounded like a trick . Nonetheless , he turned the knob , pushed the door , and let it swing open . He switched the safety off on his gun , and took a step , not so far as to pass the door ; but just enough to block it . This is the way we step into the future . This is how we receive the knock at the door . With pistols drawn and bats raised , on the defense , expecting the worse . This is how the future enters , how change appears . Rabbi ! once said that , when God finally arrives to wipe away all your tears , you 'll shoot him in the chest . When the World to Come comes , you 'll clobber it with a bat . When God opens the prison door , you 'll assault Him before He takes two steps inside . You 'll bite the hand that removes your chains , kick the shins that brings you hope , squirm in the arms that carry you home . You 'll murder hope before it has a chance to speak . You 'll slay every dream you ever had . You 'll mistake perfection for deception , confuse what you 've always wanted for what you 've always got . Rabbi ! had planned that sermon and tried it out on us in the Epiphany Cafe , but no one believed him . The Lisping Barista had been there . She heard it , but said it was far fetched . She was certain to recognize peace , love , and understanding when it finally arrived for good . The World to Come had already come for her , if only for a few minutes at a time . When it comes to stay , she 'd welcome it with a scream of delight , just as she greets all the Spellbinding Fish Fry 's songs . The Geeky Guy had been there as well . He heard Rabbi ! 's sermon ; but didn 't believe it any more than anyone else . He had always seen things differently ; so , while everyone else mistook the World to Come for something else , he would see it for it was . He 'd recognize it from the schematics , he knew the command language . It 's easy to identify perfection , there would be no error messages . The Geeky Guy 's finger felt for the trigger . The Lisping Barista took another grip . We gave Rabbi ! so much trouble for his prophecy that he never delivered it to his congregation ; but he knew he was right . Little Theresa knew this , too , that we murder deliverance . She had a little statue in her room , a crucifixion , mounted in dung , depicting that very thing . But Little Theresa was not one to give sermons , at least not the kind with words . The Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat also knew this well , although he didn 't know that he knew it . He had killed off every promise that ever arrived . All those ghosts that spoke to him tried to bring him help , but he wouldn 't let them talk . He preferred his salvation packaged in a bottle , with a convenient twist - off top , and the promise of a nickel when returned . That moment , in which the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista were preparing to kill one another , was a moment marinating in irony . It wasn 't a long moment , although it seemed eternal . It was a tableau of the human condition , a representative scene in which a person , any person , every person , will exterminate the very thing they most need . It was also a moment long enough for the Geeky Guy to prepare a plan . The plan was for the Geeky Guy to place his hand on the door and swiftly swing it closed as he pivoted in that direction and pointed his pistol at Chai Latte 's chest . It would only take a second . In the next second he 'd pull the trigger . In two seconds it would all be over ; but first he 'd have to get through this eternal moment . The Lisping Barista had a plan , too , although it was the same plan she had from the beginning . She 'd clobber this man , who she believed was Chai Latte , over the head . Then , she 'd walk out the door , free , without worry that he would follow . She knew that she only had one swing , so she 'd better get it right . If she missed , then Chai would take the bat away and use it on her . In the next few moments she would either be free or dead , both outcomes equally desirable . The next move had to belong to the Geeky Guy . His plan , to place his hand on the door and swing it closed , was a simple operation ; but even simple operations can be screwed up . The Geeky Guy was not experienced in home invasion . If he had been , or if he had taken the time during the eternal moment to plan thoroughly , he would 've known to place his hand on the doorknob , out of view of the person behind the door . As it was , he inexpertly placed his hand over the edge of the door , revealing his plan to swing it closed half a second before he could execute it . This half a second was long enough for the Lisping Barista to spot the hand , predict what was about to happen , and recognize that the hand did not belong to Chai Latte . Chai Latte 's hand had a lot of rings . She knew these rings because , when he would strike her in the face , it was his rings that did the striking . His rings made quite an impression on her . This hand had no rings . It was the hand of the Geeky Guy . The Lisping Barista knew how to swing a bat . She had played softball . She knew that she had to start early , react quickly , and not think too much about what she was doing . The half second was long enough for her to start her swing ; but , after seeing the hand did not belong to Chai Latte , it was not long enough for her to stop it . The very next moment , as the echoes of the shot reverberated through the neighborhood , before the blood began to flow , before the pain set in , was spent with the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista looking at one another , taking in the moment with all its delicious irony . They needed some time to catch up to the rest of us , to know what we 've known all along . Perhaps they remembered Rabbi ! 's sermon and how he prophesied the event , how we try to kill whomever or whatever tries to save us . If the moment before had been a tableau , depicting human resistance to change , the next moment was a second scene that followed the first . The second one illustrated the uncertain moment when two lovers realize they 've wounded one another , as lovers are apt to do . They both gasped . Posted on December 14 , 2016December 10 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista meet at the doorway The Lisping Barista Gets a Song in her Head I have to do this right away or I 'll change my mind . You know , Option # 7 ; the clobber Chai Latte with a baseball bat one . As soon as he leaves , I get the bat and wait by the door . While I 'm waiting , I got this song going through my head . It 's from the Spellbinding Fish Fry . They call it , One Heaven . It might be my favorite . It goes like this : Yeah , I know . You got to be there . The song goes on like that for a hundred verses with all kinds of categories . Every time I go to a concert , they got more . They don 't call them spellbinding for nothing . Anyway , it 's a feel good song . They 're all feel good songs . They promote peace , love , and understanding . The first time I went to hear the Fry I was meeting friends . I couldn 't find them , so I make my way to the stage , turn around , and work outwards , you know , so I can see faces . Everyone 's smiling and I start to get paranoid because I think they 're all laughing at me . I 'm about to lose my shit right there in the middle of the concert ; but , then I realize , hey , it 's feel good music . All these thousands of Deep Fries are just feeling good ; that 's why they 're smiling . They 're not laughing at me . I used to think I could be down with peace , love , and understanding . One heaven for everyone was good for me . Now I 'm not sure . What 'll I do when I get to Heaven and Chai Latte 's there ? I hate it when he comes home . I hear his key in the door and I wonder how he 'll be . No , I can 't see spending eternity with Chai . A couple weeks is bad enough . For that matter , what about Hitler , or Stalin , or Attila the Hun ? How 'd you like to be in heaven with them ? That would be totally whacked , sitting on a cloud with Osama Bin Laden and strumming harps with Vlad the Impaler . I know what you 're saying , they got Hell for that kind . They don 't let them into Heaven . St Peter turns them away at the door . It makes me feel real good thinking of Chai at the end of a pitchfork , getting roasted with his feet in a block of ice . I like that . But then I think , if I like torturing him so much , doesn 't that make me as bad as him ? What 's worse , beating up your girlfriend a couple times when you 're drunk , or clobbering a guy with a baseball bat and wanting to fry him in Hell forever when you 're stone cold sober ? No , I 'll have to get my shit together before I show up in Heaven . They won 't let a bitter , vindictive type up there . Otherwise , I 'd be like the one guy at a Spellbinding Fish Fry concert not smiling , arms crossed , scoffing at how naive everyone is , not even taping my foot , much less dancing in the dusty infield . OK , so , maybe I don 't have to send Chai to Hell . God 'll do it for me . Or St Peter , or some other bouncer dude they got up there . But that doesn 't work either . Then you got God not smiling when He 's supposed to be the host . You got St Peter checking off from a list of wrongs , scoffing at people , because they 've got the balls to line up for Heaven . You got a bouncer dude standing around with his arms crossed , saying with his eyes , just give me an excuse to kick your ass . That doesn 't sound like Heaven to me . Heaven , to me , is like a Spellbinding Fish Fry concert . Everyone 's happy and loving everyone except , maybe for a few walking around , thinking everyone is dissing them . Hilter , Stalin , Attila , Osama , Vlad , Chai , that whole evil crew , getting uptight and paranoid because they can 't imagine a place where everyone 's happy . I 'm about ready to forgive Chai Latte and plan on smiling at him when we I see him in Heaven ; but then I hear the door . I 'm standing behind it with a baseball bat . If I don 't clobber him , I 'm fucked . Posted on November 30 , 2016November 20 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags Battered women , fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista Gets a Song in her Head The Geeky Guy Goes Out in the Rain to Get the Meaning of Life The next day it started raining , tentatively at first , like a long - silenced wife who , for the first time , is asked what she thinks . Soon the sky was packed tight with clouds and the drops got bigger and bigger , until the rain filled the world with a heavy beat , suggestive of a long - suffering wife smashing the dishes . It was like a disease of rain , dull in its unvarying monotony , smothering as a fever , cruel as suffocating phlegm . It fell over all of Kenilworth ; over the Head Surveyor , whose transit fogged ; over the Town Cop , whose brim ran rivets ; over the Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat , who huddled under his dumpster ; and over the Crazy Dog Lady 's dogs , who saved their shaking till they got inside . It inspired Rabbi ! to write a sermon about Noah . It pockmarked the Connecticut River and gave it strength . It flooded Abraham Pierson 's grave and dampened Chai Latte 's drugs , but it did not extinguish the Geeky Guy 's desire . The Geeky Guy still grieved over the one he regarded as his wife , the Lisping Barista . No little bit of rain , or ocean full of rain , would dissuade him from what he thought was right . He would go to her , claim her as his own , and set her free . He had a gun and could make it happen . Perhaps we should pause for a minute , if only because he failed to , and examine why he felt this way . We should ask the question of him that the Therapist Emeritus would have asked had she still been there . We should seize hold of the Geeky Guy , hang tight to his sleeve , and demand one thing of him before he goes . We won 't ask him this , though . You won 't because you are just a reader and cannot leap into the pages of a book and affect its outcome . I won 't do it because it 's raining outside , the Geeky Guy has already left , and I don 't want to get wet . It wouldn 't do any good , because the Geeky Guy wouldn 't know how to answer and , if he did , he wouldn 't know how to say it right . You see , it was not the Lisping Barista that he was trying to save ; it was the meaning of his life . It was not a relationship he needed to preserve because , in truth , he had no relationship except that of employer to employee . The Geeky Guy thought his life had no meaning other than the Lisping Barista . It had no meaning before she arrived , and it would have no meaning if she left . Having meaning in his life never seemed an important thing before she had said yes . He used to go to work every day and tinker with his engineering projects without one . He 'd come home and tinker with his electrical projects without one . Days , years , and projects came and went without the Geeky Guy ever thinking about their purpose . But when the Lisping Barista did come into his life , bearing its meaning , he began to believe it was an essential thing . A meaning , you see , is very powerful ; more potent than a gun . A gun can only kill you , but a meaning can affect your whole existence . Without meaning , he came to believe , there was no reason to have been born . The Geeky Guy should have been more careful about where he had found the meaning of his life and what he did with it . He shouldn 't have found it in the Lisping Barista , who was a fickle thing . He should have found it in his engineering , which was built to last ; his electronics , which kept a charge ; or even his sister , who rarely left the house . He could have taken up charity work , written the Great American Novel , or found a cure for cancer . Any meaning of life would have been better than adopting the Lisping Barista as the meaning of his . It was bound to end badly . He should not have acted as though the meaning of life was so precious that it needed to be hoarded whenever found . He could always find another . In fact , meanings of life are quite plentiful , like stones on a Connecticut hillside . You can 't walk a hundred paces in any direction without stubbing your toe on a dozen of them . To put it another way , each meaning of life is like a lungful of air ; no sooner are you done with one when another comes along to replace it . The Geeky Guy was acting as if he had come upon a fine lungful of air and had to keep it because he might not get another . He also made the mistake of thinking that the meaning of his life was like a riddle that had a single answer . The meaning of life is not like a problem in mathematics , which either adds up or doesn 't . It 's more like a design problem ; there 's a million ways it can be solved . There is no right answer and there was no one but him who could give him a grade . At least the Geeky Guy did not make the usual error people make regarding the meaning of life . At least he didn 't fret over whether the meaning of his life was worthy of his life . Perhaps he felt his life was not that valuable and that any meaning would be good enough and better than none at all . At any rate , she was a sufficient meaning and he was determined to keep it . Having a meaning of life meant something . It meant he had something greater than life , something he could exchange for life . It meant he could die , for if his life had meaning , so would his death . It also meant he could kill . |
A new medication for sleeping has done wonders for me . Instead of needing and getting 12 to 14 hours of sleep almost every day , I now get up after only 7 hours and feel pretty perky . All my other meds are the same and seem to be working really well for the most part . I think the weather helps too . I 'm not isolating myself so much as I was a few short weeks ago . I love my yard ; the sun sucks all the dreary winter from my body and brings the summer into my soul . We found a cute baby kitty that we were going to adopt and kept him in the house with us for a few days until we could get him to the Humane Society to have him checked out and neutered . He got out just before one of the most weirdest storms I 've ever been through happened . Snow with lightning and high damaging winds . Then he never came back . I still grieve for him . He was so lovable and sweet . The end of May marked the first anniversary of the death of my dad . I still have the image of him taking his last breath as my sister and I clutched his hands , crying , and telling him to go . It was okay to go . I should have left right away so I wouldn 't have had to see his empty , thin body lying there . I can 't forget it . I still remember my mom as she looked after her death too . I dream of them so much . His birthday was 2 days after his death as well . It was hard this year as I 'm sure it will be every year . It 's funny when I dream of my dad because , in my dreams , apparently his death was all a big mistake and he isn 't really dead and is still alive . What makes it better , though , is in between the anniversary of my dad 's death and his birthday my youngest granddaughter had her first birthday . I remember the joy I felt when she was born in spite of the sad , dark time of a year ago . This year was no different , really . She is cute as can be and I love both of my grandgirls to bits . Such bright and wonderful children who give me so much joy . My daughter turned 18 in March and is almost 30 . Yeah . But she 's really doing great . Doing fantastic in school , winning 2 awards and made the honour roll ! So proud of that girl . I also met a man . I decided to give up on the " bad boys " after reading several articles written by nice men who never seem to get a chance . I also read some blog posts and comments from them where women have been stuck with the bad boys just like I was . And they just didn 't get it either . So … I 'm giving one a chance . It 's only been a few weeks but holy moly … wow . He treats me like a queen , takes me for dinners , lunches and breakfasts . He lent me his truck for 4 days ( which my kids thought was really weird ) . I have had to stop him from spending so much money on me . If he had his way he would lavish me with gifts . He wants to find me a car . He wants to buy me clothes . I said no . I keep saying no . He really wants me to be happy and expects a commitment in the future . THAT I 've never heard before . It 's been all disconcerting as I have not met anyone like him . He loves how I look . He 's beyond eager to meet my kids . He wants to be with me all the time and I had to tell him I needed space to breathe and learn about myself in this new role . It was a battle at first , only because of his own insecurities I think . I notice he really doesn 't have that many of those so far . He lives out - of - town on a beautiful 4 acre lot with an apple orchard and all the toys near a beautiful lake . I 've stayed there a few times and love the privacy , the birds and the sun on beautiful days . I had a surprise graduation party for my son , his wife and my daughter on Sunday because they are all graduating . My son got his GED back in the fall , my daughter - in - law went to night school to finish her high school and , of course , my daughter graduates high school in June . My fella paid for all the food and drove me around everywhere to find supplies and presents . He wanted to come to the party to do the cooking but I held him off as we had only been together for such a short time . I just felt it was too soon . He smiles all the time . And that 's important to me . We like and love so many of the same things and every time we discover something new it 's such a surprise . He wants to make sure I 'm not stuck inside and plans outings all the time . He missed me yesterday and drove the hour drive and showed up at 4 in the afternoon with Chinese food for supper . To think I was fighting this . Neither of us could really understand my reasoning . I do though , of course . All those failed relationships , all the heartache and all the work invested and lessons learned . He doesn 't want me to lump him into the same category as those guys . He 's assured me he 's different . I 'm starting to believe it . His health isn 't very good at this time but we both hope for improvements . Finally , I feel I have the ability to write again , both electronically and emotionally . Well , I still don 't know about the emotional part . Its been a very emotion - filled few weeks , with many ups and even more downs . My laptop may overheat but I will write with breaks so it can cool down . I was always waiting for something . Exterminators because we had bedbugs . It took the landlord 2 months to get them here so poor Carly and I would go to bed each night so the critters could feast upon our milky flesh . All the info we read from the government and exterminator 's websites recommended you don 't sleep on the couch or they will find you . Where . Ever . You . Go . So I couldn 't sleep . I would stay awake until the sun came up , killing any that crawled on me and put them in a jar of bleach and laugh manically as they dissolved before my eyes ( I bet you didn 't know how sadistic I can be ) . During the day I would pick though my daughter 's bed , trying to decrease her discomfort . She would still have new bites every few days . During this 2 month time we were banned from seeing my grandchildren as my son has an almost supersized fear of the bugs and he did not want to risk any transfer from us . Ditto for the boyfriend . I maybe saw him 4 times in that 2 months and that was to go to movies . I was so relieved when we were finally sprayed at the beginning of December . My oldest granddaughter was overjoyed when I walked though their door . The hugs ! Hugs beat the bedbug blues every time ! Unfortunately the bugs seemed to be the beginning of the end for the boyfriend . He called less and less and I saw him very infrequently . We seemed to have a plan to go to Cuba though , where I hoped some alone time would help . Over the holidays , he just stopped calling except for a text telling me Happy New year and don 't be mad , I 'm going to Cuba with my friend . That was almost 2 weeks ago and not a word since . I knew this was a man who has lived with a very traumatic past and this is the worst time of year for him . It took me a while to realize that he could not be ready for a relationship . He needs to find his own self before he could ever trust his life won 't be ripped apart again . I , of course , have had my own traumatic past . The difference is I have both professional and familial support . He chooses to have a different way of handling his feelings . I 'm afraid it ended with me having a broken heart because of the silence . Or maybe I 'm giving him too much credit and he really is just a jerk . I don 't believe that though . I do know , really , it 's for the best because , unless there is help in his life , my heart would never heal and would keep going through these unresolved issues he carries . I think I might be stronger in some ways . Unfortunately , I 've now developed some trust issues of my own . My self - esteem is even more damaged than before . Who would want me ? I don 't feel attractive physically or emotionally / mentally . What a mess . There was one day that I slept away . 22 hours . That was when I knew I had to try to do something but everything was pretty dark for me . For those who survive depression hopefully knows everyone feels it differently ; it 's never a contest , like " I have more reasons to be depressed than you do " kind of thing . No . What I feel is physical ( heavy like an elephant ) and mentally ( my brain is a foggy bog of poo ) . It 's how to get out of it is the challenge . Sleeping 22 hours may not seem like a healthy way to do it but that was all I could do that day . The next day was less , more like 14 hours . Then it was 12 . I can handle 12 . I did the dishes . I tried to go grocery shopping . Then suddenly I had stuff to do and had to get out of bed to do them so my going to bed at 7 am was not going to work anymore . I seem to have developed a fairly normal schedule . How I felt is so hard to explain . I wish I had the words to tell you how dark my world was . My dreams were where I wanted to be . I couldn 't wait to dream because what happened in them was so much more exciting and meaningful than what my life was . My bi - polar dreams have always been vivid but never so much as during this time . My awake - time flashbacks from the dreams would leave me quite confused . Once , on the rare occasion I did go out , I was very nearly hit by a bus and leapt 3 feet in the air as the driver laid on the horn , inches from my hip , waking me from my musings . I thought no one would care anyway . Of course I know now that is not and never been true . I have my peeps who love me and always will . Before Christmas , I was on the bus after seeing my mental health worker and just broke down . I was crying in public . No one did anything except for the lady beside me who handed me a used tissue . I sat there with tears streaming down my face , suffering in silence . Which is what most people do . All this was not necessarily because of a man . I was on my way to my darkness partly due to the isolation I was in and the feeling of not being wanted anywhere because of the blasted bugs . I was just so sad and lonely and alone . I missed my Dad so much over Christmas . His joy was like a child 's when he opened gifts . His place was empty at the table where we would squeeze his walker in . I did have a wonderful day with my family though . We all felt his presence there , especially when , for no explicable reason , glassware started falling out of the cupboard and breaking on the ceramic floor at my sister 's . I was making the banana cream pie at the moment , which was his favourite dessert . I had to stir and stir the homemade pudding for at about 45 minutes so it wouldn 't burn . Maybe Dad thought I wasn 't doing it right but I kept right on stirring during all the crashing and sweeping and didn 't burn the pudding at all . One of the best we ever made . He was keeping me on my toes I guess . Carly and I got wonderful news the other day . We now have a townhouse we 're moving to through public housing . Instead of paying rent I cannot afford it will be covered by the benefits I receive from Disability . This is a huge financial relief for me . I have lots to look forward to . I will get to purge yet again . The crap that weighs me down . Crap that I hang on to . Crap I can let go . And it ain 't just because of the packing . This week my second grandchild was born . My Dad died on Friday and Lexi was born on Monday , 11 days overdue . Lexi was supposed to be a boy , according to three 3D ultrasounds but came out a beautiful , healthy girl . She was a huge surprise . Hopefully we can find all the receipts for the boy stuff everyone bought . I was sure having Lexi in my life , now with a huge empty space from losing my Dad , would fill in that big gap in my heart . She does in a way but I 've had a cold or allergies since she was born so only saw her once . My Londynn was here , though , and kept me going for one afternoon . She makes me tired . I no longer have my daily visits with my Dad . Those sure got me out of the apartment . I miss him so much . Tonight there was a sharing circle at my sisters . It was wonderful to hear stories about my Dad coming from people I barely knew and from family I love dearly . I shared some of my own stories while taking in the scent of the bonfire , the sage burning in the bowl beside it and listening to the birds singing and calling out to each other . After I was finished I threw cedar into the fire and watched it get eaten up by the flames . Everyone else did the same . I watched the smoke drift up to the sky . The sky looked like it wanted to rain but it held off . I was glad I went . Never have I felt so alone as I have this week . It 's been a confusing time and I thought I would have been prepared for this but I wasn 't . I 'm not . His birthday was on Tuesday and that day was just a write off for me . I spent that whole day in bed . I just couldn 't get up . The same thing happened the day after he died . I 've gone downhill in my mental health ; feeling more isolated , sleeping so much more and feeling quite alone in my already little world . Everyone in my family are grieving too and my sister is so busy with arrangements and such . There are a few people who have written to ask how I 'm holding up ( badly ) or one really nice man I know tried TWICE to get me out but I couldn 't bear to leave the apartment . He even promised me ice cream ! I received a lot of support on Facebook from my friends . I thank them all very much for taking the time to acknowledge my loss . My Dad 's final days were spent with his family surrounding him every chance they got . I spent a huge amount of time with him and have some very happy times I really want to share . Little things , like when we first played bird songs on my sister 's iPad and the smile that came across his face . He wasn 't really in the same world as we were at that point so this was really nice to see . He spent a lot of time in this another world so any indication that he heard us or recognized something else was wonderful and so very special . The nurses all had stories to tell and all said how much they love him , how he was a favourite there . Dad was known for his hugs after putting up big battles whenever he had to be turned or changed as it gives him so much pain . He would fight , kick , hit and swear at the nurses and then , when they were done , calmly ask for each of them to give him a hug . They loved it and made it worthwhile they said . The day before he died I was there with him and my sister . We were playing music from his era as well as songs he used to sing to us when we were little girls , all from his era as well . " You Beautiful Doll " , " I Did It My Way " , lots of Frankie and Bing and some Al Jolson . Of course it was hard not to cry when we heard these songs . We even sang them to him too . When he could still talk he told me , very politely , to stop singing please . So when he couldn 't talk anymore , I started singing to him again . One song , " If You Were The Only Girl . . " we played over and over because he seemed to react to it the most . I was holding his hand when he started tugging on it , urging me to get up off my chair . I did and his other hand was searching for my other one so I grasped our hands together . Suddenly , he started swinging my arms to the music ! We were dancing ! It was marvelous and my sister and I were laughing so hard and he was grinning as he was trying to push me over on one side then all the way over across his bed . Finally , his incredible strength got me to almost topple right on top of him where he had me in the most incredible bear hug and had my arms all twisted like a pretzel . I honestly couldn 't move ! My sister was laughing so hard she finally managed to choke out , " need a little help ? " I could only squeak , " yes please " when a nurse appeared , shocked at the spectacle and he let go . I will never forget that last dance with my Dad . I spent a night there and would have spent many more but I was on baby alert , waiting for my grandson to arrive , which , as of this date and 10 days overdue , he has not . But I would spend all day every day with my Dad . Yesterday , though , my sister told me something was different and maybe I should get there quickly . So I took the hour - long bus ride earlier than I was going to , praying that he will hold on just long enough for me to say goodbye again and arrived there in plenty of time . I leaned over him , giving him my killer smile as I always do , and , lo and behold , he smiled back , tried to say my name and wrapped his arms around me in a huge hug . After that though , his morphine was working and he really wasn 't conscious anymore . More family came to say goodbye and all we did for hours was watch his chest move up and down , then nothing , then up and down again . Fooled us many times . With his apnea , this was expected we were told . My sister and I were finally left alone with him for the night . My son was getting someone else to be on baby alert . Before he finally let go my sister and I were trying to conjure up my mom so she could come and get him since he wouldn 't leave on his own . Not 3 hours later , I noticed his breath getting shallower and quieter . Then I went to his mouth and nose and felt for his breath . There were only one or two more breaths , then nothing . Still nothing . I checked his heartbeat and got my sister to call the nurse . The nurse came with her stethoscope and confirmed what we already knew . My mom found him and took him home at last . It 's so hard to believe that this is over . My Dad is gone . An era is finished . It 's very strange not climbing on the bus everyday . It 's very strange not to hear him babble about his mom and dogs and horses and call me by his sister 's name or him thinking I 'm his mom or even knowing it 's me . It 's very strange connecting to family I haven 't seen in months or years . It 's very strange to have the first love of my life leave this earth so quietly after arguing so much and so long with whomever is in charge of our length of time on Earth . That 's it . All done . This was a spontaneous decision to go to this place on this day although I had wanted to do it for a long time . I faced the outside of the door , more than a little apprehensive on what my reception would be . Unannounced , with no appointment but a steeliness in my heart , my hand reached out and opened the door . My feet crossed the threshold . I was back in the building where I spent 15 years of my life , giving it my all and then , when I left , felt like a failure . The first thing I noticed was the silence . This place was always full of noise when I worked there . The next thing I noticed was a face peering at me from the front desk ; older and maybe even wiser . It took a minute for him to register who I was . He jumped and said my name with a bit of a shout , and had big smiles for me . I barely remembered what we talked about . We giggled a lot . There were ghosts . Everywhere . I knew that the clients I 've known here , loved and stuck my neck out for were mostly gone now . Their presence was obvious , though , almost like a breeze in some cases ( Hi Marie , it sure is great to see you ! ) to waves crashing from an ocean to a shore ; strong , really loud and hard to ignore ( Well , looky you ! WELL THERE YOU ARE ! ! I knew you would come back . Why did you leave ? Why . Did . You . Leave . Us ? ) I wasn 't sure this was a good idea anymore . What was I expecting ? It 's been a very long time since my sudden departure . I waited at the front and saw a former staff member , one of my favourites . I shouted her name and she turned around peering at me too . The smile on her face was huge , the hug she gave me was huge and my heart was huge just seeing her again . We only had a moment to chat before the E . D . came out . His face was all lit up , grinning from ear to ear , obviously glad to see me . I was so happy to see that grin . At least he didn 't have a lawyer with him . 🙂 We made our way to his office , ghosts still clamouring for my attention . Some of the ghosts ? There was " Bill " who came to see me everyday no matter what . Actually there were a lot of " Bills ' " . And " Tim " who nobody seemed to like and he scared them because he was a bit crazy but I could see who he was back then , a frightened , rejected man for most of his life . He would visit and I tried to get him to be a bit more sociable . Sometimes it worked and lots of times it didn 't . We arrived at the E . D . 's office and I sat in the familiar seat . He was very animated and very glad to see me which he told me over and over . I was feeling a lump in my throat . I had to get the words out . I explained I was here because I needed to say something about when I left so many years ago . I wanted him to know how bad I felt about what I put him and the staff through , especially the last 6 months I was there . I realize now how ill I had been and that there was no choice but to leave . I didn 't hold anything against him or the organization . It was a huge part of my life and who I was . Unfortunately it was too huge to bear . I couldn 't save everyone . I also told him how much better I felt mentally . My life is still a bit off - balance but I am now progressing rather than going backwards or stagnant . I also told him how often I dreamt of this place ( almost every night ) . He wanted to know if it was good or bad dreams and I admitted to both , mostly bad . He was so shocked that I , or anyone for that matter , would come in and say these things . He also said that an apology was never needed nor did he ever harbour bad feelings towards me . He could see my strength and I could feel it too . He thought I was brave ! HA ! He told me I had been such a fixture there , the staff and clients all felt a strong connection to me and could see me struggling every day . It was awful for all to watch and he had no idea how to explain to me what was going on and what they were seeing . Me , who could not see anything at all wrong with the way things were and it seemed pretty hopeless to get me to understand that things were not right . He ended up putting my health first and making me go on disability . He escorted me to the clinic where I found some more long - lost staff and we hugged and told stories . Most of the staff I knew were no longer working there but , to the people who still did , I showed off pictures of my granddaughter , my dad and my kids . They were all so amazed at my Carly and how beautiful and grown up she has become . I was treated like much - loved and sorely missed royalty . They were eager to hear about what 's going on in my life and what 's in store for me next . I felt so … special . I stood outside those front doors for a minute wondering if they would follow me . They stayed on the other side . But they will have a better , less guilty place in my heart . Wow , It 's been a while again . I guess I 've been all discombobulated . Life has sure had its ups and downs in the last few months . Let 's see … My cat is now home with us in the new place and that puts me over the moon … even though she had has some adjustment issues . I look out where I 'm stepping now . Nothing like warm ( or cold ) cat puke on the bottom of my foot when I 'm trying not to wake up too much when I have to go pee in the middle of the night . Or the yowling . She especially likes to yowl in the bathroom . At 3 am . The echo I guess ? I had such a bad time before the move . I honestly didn 't know if I could make it . My daughter was at her wit 's end . Neither of my kids really understand what 's going one with my illness . So they get impatient . They figure I 'm lazy and probably even stupid . I 've done what I can to get them to get it . I will keep trying I guess . In past posts I 've written about my mom and how her presence seems to be everywhere . Well , the months and weeks leading up to this move I know she was trying to help . I would babble to her while I was awake and in my dreams . I was a basket case as only I can be . I was driving everyone nuts with my fears and tears and rants and being generally incapable of coping . Coping skills ? What the fuck are those ? I had no money ( again ) , no food ( again ) , bills piling up ( uh huh again ) , welfare not paying me what they were supposed to . I couldn 't afford bus tickets or fare so I was even more isolated than ever before . So anyway , my daughter and I were going through yet another box of stuff that she was urging me to purge and to which I would resist . " It was Gramma 's , " I would cry . She was relentless on lots of stuff but that always got to her so I used it a lot . When we came to some pictures of she and her Gramma we would both cry . Then , in an old purse she was MAKING me get rid of , there they were . The crystals . Of course there is a reason why I bring this up . After my mom died , like pretty much right after and when I went back to work , a volunteer came to my office telling me she was moving in the next few days to London , England to marry her long time lover . Same - sex marriage wasn 't legal in Canada yet . I was glad for her of course . We had gotten rather close the last few months before my mom died . She always knew things . She was very spiritual as well as a Wiccan . She taught me a lot and gave me peace of mind . That day she came in , she saw the sadness in my eyes that no professionalism could hide . ( Who was I kidding anyway ? Professional ? Me ? ) She told me about leaving and I told her I knew it was coming and I was so happy for her . We hugged for a long time in my office . We didn 't cry though . She said she wanted to pull some of the sadness from me and give me some of her joy . As she moved away she reached into her bag and pulled out a little baggie with stones in it . Gorgeous stones : amethyst for my mom , rose quartz for her and the blue quartz for me . Spiritually aligned . A beautiful gift . I hadn 't been able to find these particular crystals for a long time until I found them in the old purse . My heart flipped in my chest when my eyes found them and my fingers touched the little bag . I whispered " Mom " and Carly looked at me like I was , once again nuts . She just rolled her eyes until I explained it to her . It was like everything changed when I got up the next morning . The hopelessness had lessened so much I could call my worker at welfare and demand the bus tickets I needed to get to doctor 's appointments . I could purge the things that weighed me down in that apartment . Our new apartment is rather cozy so of course I had to give up things . I didn 't mind so much anymore . My daughter even said " Mom , look at you " as I zinged crap into garbage bags and hauled them to the garbage bin . I purged even more when we were unpacking . I arranged movers and COMMUNICATED with professionals . Suddenly things were just working out . We looked at a great apartment for a great price and the manager liked us so much he wanted to move us to the top of the list . It turned out he couldn 't do that and had to take the first tenants that applied . He did have another place , though , that we could have first crack at . He went to bat for us to make sure we got it . He made sure everything was ready for when we moved in . He was wonderful . Welfare was paying for movers so that was great . Like I said there wasn 't much to complain about at all . Of course I am not miraculously better . I am better though . I 'm still more isolated than before we moved but , for some reason , welfare sent me $ 150 . So I bought a bus pass for the next week . I can get to the dentist to have my broken tooth looked at , see my psychiatrist ( missed the last appointment because I hadn 't called for bus tickets , doh ! ) . And get some food ! After that I don 't mind not going out in the bloody cold . I spent most of the day watching the news . Twin explosions at the Boston Marathon rocked the world and made a fear which never really left come back like a punch in the gut . ( I 've been punched in the gut and I know how it feels ) I frantically texted my daughter and , thankfully , she was 2 minutes away from home . I told her to hurry as something crazy is happening to the world again . She burst through the door a few minutes later crying , asking , " Is it North Korea ? " She was frantic we were all going to die because of the news that has been on lately . The second thing is my horror that our children , MY children and MY grandchild , have to live with the same fear my peers and I had when it came to the threat of nuclear war . I used to go to bed at night terrified that I would melt in my sleep . I would dream of horrible deaths of the people I loved . I don 't want my child to go through that . Why does she have to ? ( I wish I could write more about this but my thoughts are still pretty scattered to get it out the right way . All I can say properly is please vote and these madmen will not be so powerful in this world . Feel free to say in the comments what you think as well . ) It struck me how help was there immediately when that street of celebration became Hell . There were medical staff there for sure and police , of course , as they were there for the event . Runners who just ran an unbelievable 42 . 20 km , rushed to the injured spectators or to other fallen runners . I saw people frantically ripping down and climbing over fences , rubble and banners to get to the hurt and fallen . The strength they showed was almost inhuman . There were many people who ran away from the blasts , looking for those they loved , going for safety or lining up at the hospitals giving their own blood to save others not so fortunate . Many of them were young people . The under 30 group who I admit I was guilty of being so quick to judge in negative ways . They were there , ripping and tearing to get to those on the sidewalk , struggling to wrap t - shirts around severed legs and horrific wounds , comforting a stranger 's child until her mom could be found . Young people everywhere , carrying the injured , pushing wheelchairs and working hard , side by side , with the police , and medical personnel . Organizing . Helping . My friends and I used to worry about youth today . After all , they will be the adults who will have to look after us in our old age . We were fearful . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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My running friend who found out she had breast cancer just had a lumpectomy this week . She has a drainage tube and she says the doctor will allow her to run 48 to 72 hours after the procedure . I have my doubts , but find that any of my excuses not to run sound incredibly lame in comparison to her fortitude . She sent an update after she got home . A nurse was trying to reassure her and promised that she would be healthy again someday . My friend replied , " I am healthy ( now ) . " And , I 'm going to have to agree that she 's one of the healthiest and strongest people I know . She 's not just a breast cancer statistic . She 's an incredible individual and she 'll handle this her own way , like she does everything . Have you ever wondered what it might have been like to live thousands of years ago ? A time when highways didn 't crisscross the country and McDonalds didn 't blare its yellow red logo at you ? Imagine standing in a prehistoric time where the plants exerted their influence , where tree trunks became buttressed to withstand the swampy soil and sent up " knees " underground to increase their strength . Imagine longing for a glimpse of the sun 's warmth . Green plants emerging from the brown muck to find the light . Animals with tough skins lift their heads to the sun . And others burrow into the ground . The trees and the swamps go on and on . The wind rushes through the tops of the hammock rattling the palm fronds , sending debris down below . That rustle in the bushes , is it another animal ? What could that be gliding through the water ? Alone in a prehistoric land . An alien land . Imagine how small you 'd feel at When I went for my run Saturday morning , I was a little disappointed not to see more wildlife . I 've seen cranes and herons and wild turkeys while running in Florida . Around a deserted , overgrown , brushy area , I 'm always a little concerned about the remaining Florida panther jumping onto my back . I 've even seen snakes slithering on the road . Yesterday , though , I saw only a few mockingbirds and backyard dogs . The statuary animals are plentiful though . That 's when I decided to do a fake animal tour . This woodpecker is in my parents ' backyard . One day I called the kids to quietly come look because I thought it was real . Okay , I was at a bad angle at the time . He looks quite wooden now . This fish mailbox isn 't pretending to be a real animal , but he is pretty awesome . Why the fake duck ? Are we really a country in need of more ducks or geese . In some business complexes they are poisoning the geese or letting dogs loose to get rid of the geese . Do we need more fake ducks and geese ? Bunnies in the garden ? Really ? These homeowners would probably go crazy if some real bunnies hopped into their flower bed . My mom , who used to have a lot of cats that hung around outside , says they now have a rabbit that sticks close by . As soon as we got out of the car the other night , a little bunny came dashing through the front yard followed by a big white cat with a black tail . These bunny statues are going nowhere . I always have trouble remembering which is which , but egrets are tall white birds and herons are gray , I think . I 'm guessing these guys are egrets . They look kind of regal don 't they ? Pink flamingoes used to be ubiquitous in Florida . Now all I could find was these wooden versions with wings that flap in the wind . If you look to the right of the flamingo , you 'll see a gray blob that turns out to be an actual animal . A cat that stood up and stretched in these weeds after I took the picture . The pelican is an impressive Florida bird . He was going extinct not that long ago but now you see squadrons of them swooping over the Gulf of Mexat It 's not the kind of Girls Gone Wild spring break that some might imagine , but our trip to Florida ended up being all girls . It was supposed to be a family vacation , but Spencer had a basketball tournament and Tucker had track practice so Earl " volunteered " to stay home with them . Grace then asked if she could bring a friend . So Sarah , Grace and I drove to my parents ' home in Florida . It started out dreary and rainy . As we drove through Cincinnati , the rain and clouds were so thick we couldn 't see the next bridge over the Ohio River . We spent the night at my grandmother 's in Kentucky and then left at 5 a . m . the following morning to drive to my parents ' house . We listened to The Lost Symbol on tape and stopped at the perfect restaurant with a Dairy Queen and a Subway , but a college bus had beaten us to it . We ended up driving through a Burger King , which I wouldn 't recommend . Then we made another stop at a gas station . While I filled up , the girls went in to use the bathroom , then came back and said it was all truckers and hookers . " They were sending us upstairs to use the bathroom , " Grace said . " Creepy . " Of course , Sarah was half way up the stairs before Grace called her back . Thirteen hours after we left , with few traffic problems and beautiful sunshine the entire day , we arrived to burgers on the grill . The girls were quick to hop in the pool . They have plans to meet a friend at St . Pete beach sometime this week and want to go hiking and bike riding at the state park nearby . Meanwhile , it 's just nice to be in the warm weather , to go for a run with the weather at 60 instead of 30 , to let my hair curl because the humidity is too high to straighten it . Just when you think the plane could be coming in for a smooth landing , things get bumpy again . Grace has been accepted at her number one college so things should be good . Adding to her jubilation , this week , she found out she was nominated for Scholar Athlete . The newspaper asks each high school to nominate a male and female athlete . They get pictures and articles in the sports section of the newspaper , and 17 students are chosen to share a big pool of scholarship money . Grace was on cloud nine . The athletic director picked her from all the other female athletes in the school , including some with well - known parents . She learned that the athletic director talked to teachers and coaches before making her decision , so somewhere teachers and coaches are saying nice things about her . She felt like she had won for once . Of course , the fly in the ointment , my husband works for the local newspaper . So he felt the need to clarify whether Grace was actually eligible to receive the scholarship money . After several rounds of phone calls , he found that although she could receive the plaque and the newspaper publicity , she couldn 't receive the scholarship money since Earl works at the paper . When I told Grace , she cried , leaving a wet spot on the leg of my pants . " I should give it back to them and let them choose someone else , " she sobbed . It 's hard to know the right thing to do . Should Grace get the acknowledgement from the school and the city , or should she give up her spot to let another student at her high school have a chance at the scholarship ? I suppose even considering whether to return it means she 's going to be okay either way . She thinks about doing the responsible things . Maybe she could be on one of those insurance commercials about people who do the right thing . Think she could get a scholarship for that ? I hate diets . I believe that dieting is at the heart of gaining weight , at least for me . If I limit myself , saying I can 't have that one cookie , then I crave cookies and I 'll eat a ton . So I 've always tried to eat what I want in moderation and exercise a lot . The past few years , it has caught up with me . That 's when my friend Sheila suggested the Fat Flush diet plan . I liked a lot of what the book said about detoxifying the liver and getting rid of wheat , dairy and sugar to see if it is causing the fatigue or allergy symptoms . Plus , the first part of the diet lasts two weeks . Knowing I probably wouldn 't make it two weeks , I decided to give it a try yesterday . My morning routine includes preparing a press pot of coffee , steaming some milk and pouring the coffee in to make it a lovely tan color then adding a teaspoon of sugar . Well , the fat flush requires no caffeine for the liver to deal with . So my morning started with a cup of hot water and half a lemon . Not nearly as satisfying . And a nagging headache started behind my eyes as I drank the cranberry water concoction that is required - 64 ounces each day . When I drank the cranberry water with a tablespoon of flaxseed , I gagged on the thickness at the bottom . Breakfast was two hard boiled eggs with some cumin for seasoning . That wasn 't bad . Then I walked for an hour with Sheila , chasing along behind her little , speedy dog . My headache was increasing as I made my way back home . I steamed some broccoli , sliced a cucumber and opened a pack of tuna for lunch . Then I gave up and headed to the couch for a nap . Still my headache kept increasing and I felt pressure behind my sinuses . This detox thing is really clearing out my sinuses , I thought . That 's when I started throwing up and it finally became clear to me that the headache / migraine was connected to my monthly cycle rather than the Fat Flush diet . I lay in a dark room for most of the evening , getting up to puke . I was feeling little better as 9 o ' clock approached and thought I would drive to pick up Spencer from basketball , at This afternoon when we opened the mailbox , a big cream - colored envelope ( recycled , of course ) awaited us . It was addressed to Grace , but Earl and I tore into it since she was at school . The letter had finally come from her top pick college . She was accepted ! We rejoiced for Grace 's acceptance to a school , a really good school where the incoming class hails from places like : Marblehead High School in Massachusetts , Seton Hall Prep School , Miss Edgar 's & Ms . Cramp 's School in Quebec , Lawrence Academy at Groton , and La Salle Academy in Rhode Island . I 'm not sure Grace realizes the odds of a student from a small , public high school in Ohio getting into this elite college . I 'm not sure that she realizes her good , but not great , grades were probably not enough to have pulled her into this school . Her freestyle swim stroke may be what twisted the arms of the administrators to allow her to attend . But we 'll take it . During her lunch break , I called and told her the news . She screamed then screamed some more . " I got in ! " The elation we felt for her rose to the ceiling , before falling to the wood floor beneath us when we saw the financial aid offer . The offer was so generous . More than $ 26 , 000 each year for Grace 's college education . But the tuition is so much more . The college offer included a couple of loans and some work / study opportunity in addition to the $ 26 , 000 grant . The bottom line is that our family portion is still going to be more than $ 19 , 000 for tuition , room and board each year . Gulp ! It didn 't take long before I was on the computer searching for our airline reservations , the ones that were supposed to take us to France next month . We still aren 't sure if the tickets are refundable , but if they are , they can go a small way toward paying that chunk of tuition . We realize , now that the numbers are on the table , that we have to put the money toward college rather than a whimsical trip to France . Even though we may not be going to France , I 'm keeping the purse . While all around me here in Ohio people are obsessing about basketball , my weekend is all about swimming . They call it March Madness and it 's the college basketball tournament . Everyone , even people who care nothing about basketball , predict the winners of the 64 - team tournament . Then they watch the results , suddenly invested because of those brackets they filled out . As for me , I 'm in a hotel room near Bowling Green State University for the biggest swim meet in the region . It 's called the Great Lakes Zones and includes swimmers from Michigan , Ohio , Indiana and West Virginia . My kids events are conveniently timed so that they swim only one or two per day - - Friday , Saturday and Sunday . Both Grace and Tucker have dropped time on each event they have swum , so I guess it 's a success . As for me , I am scrambling to finish grades which are due today and after I finish this swim meet Sunday then run to my writer 's group on Sunday afternoon and take Spencer to basketball practice Sunday evening , I am taking some time to myself . I mean it too . Here 's a picture of my new purse which I will be carrying in Paris this spring because we just bought our airline tickets ! Yea ! I thought it wasn 't going to happen . We went back and forth . Too expensive . Daughter going to college in the fall . Our 20th anniversary . Finally , we found a good deal on airfare , $ 605 each round trip . And last night , I found this sweet little purse . It says spring . It says travel . It says . I 'm going ! No one has actually said the words . Breast cancer . Thud . The words fall beause they have no meaning . I can 't equate those words with my friend . Yes , I followed the saga from lump , no big deal , to mammogram , to biopsy , to now . But that isn 't my story to tell . All I can say is that I 'm scared for my friend , but I can 't allow myself to think for a moment that she 's not going to be the same person who meets me every Saturday morning at the trail . This isn 't some mother of a basketball player who I wave to across the gym . This isn 't the woman who drives the silver car , you know , you see her pull into school a few minutes late every morning . This time it 's different because she is my friend . She 's my friend who has spent years convincing me that I can run a marathon and I can write a book , no , I should write a book . She has hiked with me on the Appalachian trail and she has run with me through snow and rain and beating sunshine . She has stopped to listen to bird calls , to watch geese take flight and to pick up a nursing bat that lay in the middle of the path . She has listened to me whine about my marital issues and my kids ' problems and she has shared her own . Now she has to face something horrific and she will face it with guts and love , but I wonder what I will do . Because , even though my family has survived tragedy in the past , my modus operandi is avoidance . And I don 't want to be that person , the one who asks her other friends , " Hey , how 's she doing ? " because I 've been too busy to actually spend any time with her . So , I resolve to be there for my friend . But I don 't know what that looks like . I don 't know what to do . I don 't know what to say . I feel like I 'm floundering when she needs me most . Is there a right way to do this ? My Saturday night was spent not just dogsitting , but chaperoning this motley crew of 14 - year - olds who arrived to celebrate Tucker 's birthday . If you 'll recall , last year Tucker had the worst birthday ever . It included walking to school ( late ) in below zero weather . Getting two detentions . Not receiving the special lunch Earl dropped off for him so he had nothing to eat . And Earl learning that day that the newspaper was planning layoffs and he might lose his job , so we contemplated returning the birthday present . I was determined that this year 's birthday would be better and it was . After school I took him and five boys to a pizza place . Then this weekend we planned this party . Tucker , out of all of my children , is presenting a challenge as he enters these teenage years . And sometimes I feel exasperated . At my wits ' end . Then I see my friend Ruth struggling with her son 's anxieties that debilitate him . I see my other friend waiting to learn the results of her biopsy . Each of us is walking our own path and sometimes things seem unbearable , but mostly just looking up from the path shows us that others have a more difficult climb . It reminds me to stop complaining . I struggle to remember that the hardest and the easiest thing to do when a child wears me down , is to give him a hug and don 't let go for a long while . This little guy has kept me busy this weekend . No , I haven 't lost my mind and adopted a puppy . The first few minutes of holding this wriggly guy , my thoughts were , " Oh , he 's so cute . " But by the fourth time he peed on the one rug in the house and pooped on the wood floor behind the chair , I remembered why I don 't have a dog . Lucky is his name . He 's a miniature beagle and pug mixture . " What do they call that ? " Spencer asked . " A bug ? " No actually they call it a puggle and Grace is dogsitting him . Of course , Grace has a very busy life , so while she 's gone to swim practice and concert competition , I get to keep an eye on the dog . At first we let him run around the house . Then we figured out we needed to keep him confined to his kennel or outside . Last evening , I took him out twice and he peed twice within the span of half an hour . Fifteen minutes later , he peed on one of the girls at Tucker 's birthday party while she was holding him . Back to the Kennel for Lucky . He 's 10 weeks old and about five pounds . I 'll try to get a picture of him next to the cats so you can see how tiny he is , and so he doesn 't look so evil . We 're making progress , I guess , because when I got up this morning , he hadn 't peed in his kennel , which he did yesterday . Right now , while I have my morning coffee and check my favorite blogs , he 's outside in the yard alone and he has stopped scratching on the door . I 'd better go check on him . He goes home today . What a relief ! It all started with an email about writing submissions . I 'm part of a writing yahoo group that used to be very active , but lately only sends emails when someone gets a successful publishing deal . An email came across about submissions for an erotica anthology . Now , I 've never written erotica . Whenever a sex scene pops into my novels , I inevitably tone it down , leaving the details to the readers ' imaginations . This submission called for erotica of 1200 words . I mean , who couldn 't write that ? The only problem was that I wouldn 't want it associated with me . How embarassing for me , my children , my parents . . . So , I decided to create a pseudonym . It took some thinking before I came up with a name that I thought would be innocent , yet provocative . Think sexy librarian . No , I 'm not telling you because what would be the point of creating an anonymous pseudonym and then telling everyone . What I didn 't realize was how many steps it would take to create this fake persona . I thought I 'd start a Facebook page . Before I did that , of course , I had to have an email . So I went to gmail and created an account based on my pseudonym . Then I went to Facebook . My pseudonym might as well be younger , one of us should enjoy it . She 's about 10 years younger than I am , in the prime of her life . Aaah . Of course , I can 't post a picture of myself . Next I had to create an account to make an avatar . Remember that the avatar isn 't of me , but of this erotica writer person . Am I giving it away by posting it on my blog ? I have no idea how people can track down other people on Facebook . I sent a message to a friend asking her to add me to a group and then I wondered if that message is posted to her wall so everyone will know that it 's me , posing as this other person . I have resisted Facebook as myself . I don 't want to spy on my teenagers . Really , I 'd prefer not to know what they do most of the time . When I want to communicate with my parents ( who do have a Facebook account but have no idea how it was created ) , I just call them . I have a webpage called paat This morning in the dark ( yes , it 's still dark at 5 a . m . in case anyone wondered ) as I put the kettle on for coffee water , I noticed both cats sitting together staring under the refrigerator . I hate that . I hate when the cats stare at something . Sometimes they 'll be staring at me , except not really at me but over my shoulder so then I have to turn around and look . Almost always , there is nothing behind me . Then I wonder if there 's something there I can 't see ! Anyway , cats sitting together staring under the refrigerator could mean a mouse . I put the water on the stove and rinsed out my press pot for coffee . The cats had shifted . They were both staring at the tile on the kitchen floor and Tupi reached out an occasional big paw to bat at something . Tupi , like Hemingway cats in Key West , Florida , has two extra toes , so his paws are really big . I turned on the light in the kitchen to see what was fascinating the cats . I leaned over and saw there an innocent little bug . Now I 'm no expert on bugs , but this was a little guy who wouldn 't have frightened anyone in my house . The bug was about the size of one of Tupi 's toes . He was brown and had a kind of shell on his back and a pointy head that looked like a rhinoceros horn . When I later looked him up , I 'd say he falls under the category of a stink bug . They 're called that because they emit an odor to keep from getting eaten by birds and lizards . This stink bug no doubt was taking advantage of the warm weather . Since Sunday the weather has been in the high 50s . Earl has had the doors and windows open which fires up the cats ' feisty nature anyway . The cats continued to poke at the stink bug as he made his slow way along the tile . I put a white napkin on the floor in front of him and he slowly climbed onto it . I took the napkin with the bug out the back door and tried to shake him off into the grass . Apparently , stink bugs have grasping feet because he didn 't budge off the napkin . I just lay the napkin in the grass , figuring I 'd retrieve it later once the bug had moved on to grat Yesterday was Earl 's niece 's birthday . I don 't know why I say Earl 's niece since we 've been married 20 years , but I feel too young to have a 32 - year - old niece . She brought her 4 - month - old over to spend some time with us while she ran errands . Caroline is a little hesitant to warm up to us ( especially Earl ) . But she loves Grace . We had another beautiful day , so 20 minutes before the end of school , I put her in the stroller and walked up to the high school to meet Grace . Caroline fell asleep shortly after Grace joined us , so we stopped at the coffee shop and continued our walk home . As soon as we got home , Grace scooped her out of the stroller . She hasn 't heard the saying : " Let sleeping babies lie . " She wanted to play with Caroline . And , as you can tell from the photo , she had important things to teach her . What four - month - old doesn 't know how to text ? How 's she going to stay in touch with all of her baby friends if she can 't text yet ? Caroline is practically going cross - eyed trying to focus on that phone . The musical this past week was FABULOUS . I got to sit through it twice and a third time I was on costume repair duty so I scurried from backstage to the rear doors to watch various parts , especially Grace 's scene which begins the second act . When our French friend Marie came to visit this summer , she found it impossible to believe that Americans actually have " high school musicals . " " No , zhis must not be true ! " she insisted . She also couldn 't believe there were real marching bands . But , it 's all true . These pieces of Americana make up the high school experience . I 'd never seen this musical before , so my expectations were low . But the music , the acting and the kids were amazing . The musical is called HONK ! and it 's based on the story of The Ugly Duckling . A number of the high school kids decided this was beneath them and didn 't even try out . They apparently weren 't aware of the sexual innuendo throughout the play . As Grace said , " Mom , what do you expect ? It was created in England . " So no one should have been surprised when the duck mother was explaining to the Ugly Duckling that the island was too far away to swim . " Good gracious , no . It 's farther than you 'd think . I 've only been out there once when your father and I were courting and I didn 't mean to go that far then . " Grace , a hen , and Queenie , a cat , have a scene where the tom cat is chasing down the ugly duckling . The tom cat sees Queenie and a " love scene " ensues . She calls the tom cat a " scruff " but admits that when " you 've had it easy , you like a bit of rough ! " So this was definitely no children 's - only show . Some of my favorite parts from the show : Grace was sick on Tuesday night so she stayed home while they were rehearsing . She was texting . I asked who she was texting . " Carl . " " Isn 't Carl rehearsing ? " I asked . Carl played one of the ducklings . " Yes , he 's in his egg . " I loved the idea that Carl was on stage waiting to be hatched and busy texting . On opening night , we were in the audience . The cat 's goal throughout is to catch and eat the Ugly Duckling . A little boyat It may be that the long , gray winter has influenced me , and the fact that it was practically light when I met my friends for our run at 6 : 15 this morning buoyed my spirits , but I think today is the most gorgeous day ever . Sure , it was cold , in the 20s , and I couldn 't really feel my fingers for the first half hour or so , but I love running on the trail with my friends . The sunlight reflecting on the snow was like manna from heaven . Today is Princess ' birthday and she started it with a 7 . 5 mile run . Everything has to be good now . So happy birthday , Princess . One of the blogs I follow , http : / / willows95988 . typepad . com / tongue _ cheek / asked the question today about who is the storyteller in your life and what kinds of stories do you tell . Well , that Saturday morning run on the trail is all about telling stories . We tell stories about our lives and our kids ' lives . We talk about work and we laugh and laugh . Today 's stories were all over the place , as usual , as we interrupt each other to point out bright red cardinals , disappearing bunny tails and the smooth water of the river right before it gets bumpy over the rocks . Stephanie told a story about her mammogram that didn 't happen because the machine was broken . We began to speculate about what could have happened to the machine . We pictured it getting stuck with a woman 's breast inside it and how they would have to call the firefighters with " the jaws of life " to free her pancaked breast . We imagined running a marathon at Big Sur and how we wouldn 't make it very far because Stephanie would stop to look at every hole in the ground , every scat on the path and every movement in the bushes . The Queen of Secrets pondered how three of her friends at work could have the exact same birthdays that her three running friends have . Strange coincidence or karma ? Then we laughed about our hiking trip when we were all a little more out of shape , Princess was on Accutane which was giving her old - lady joint issues , and we decided to hike 25 miles in the rain and slippery leaves . We didn 't even sat I know if I were more knowledgable about the moon and the night sky , I could explain this , but a couple of times each year , I awaken to find the moonlight drenching my bed . This week has been one of those times . We have wooden shutters on the bottoms of the bedroom window , leaving the " architectural details " of our Arts & Crafts ' house windows uncovered . As the moon moves through its cycle this week , its light reaches our bedroom window during different parts of the night . Sometimes I 'll wake up to find Earl not in bed yet , but the moonlight is there . Other times I 'll feel Earl lying next to me with the moonlight pouring onto him . This morning , after a late night at the theater , I slept in until 6 : 30 . ( I know . Pitiful . ) When I woke up , the moon was there dousing our room with light . It shone in the navy blue sky , whose only purpose was to serve as background . The glass of the window distorted the view , but I wanted you to see my morning greeting from the moon . Last week , my 13 - year - old picked up his backpack off the floor and gave a sigh of exasperation . " Everyday I go to school leaving a trail of feathers , " he complained . It 's true . My house is full of feathers . And I don 't own a bird . The musical at the high school this year is the story of the Ugly Duckling and I am , once again , working on costumes . The borrowed sewing machine is set up at the end of our dining room table , right in front of a heating ventWhen the heat kicks on , the cut off pieces of yellow boa feathers stream up in the air then float down like tiny jelly fish under the ocean . We 'll be in the middle of a conversation when a little , yellow jellyfish boa comes floating down before our eyes . ( This may make a general statement about my housekeeping capabilities that may appall some readers . ) No one in the play is wearing a chicken suit , though . Since the fall play , Little Women , Jennie and I have been going to the costume room every week and reorganizing it . We 've removed , classified and folded every piece of clothing in there . Then suddenly spring musical was upon us . Luckily , with 35 cast members , some other mothers have stepped in to help , as well . Jennie and I " pulled " the necessary clothes from the boxes then we set to adding feathers . I 'm in charge of the costumes for the four ducklings and the evil cat . Every time I cut one of the yellow boas , the pieces flew everywhere , including up my nose . I 've swiffered and vaccuumed , but those yellow jellyfish boas keep escaping , much to the consternation of the cats who thought the boas and yellow tulle were only for attacking anyway . They 'll stare in suspicion at the piece of yellow feather flying through the air . The ducklings are the smallest girls in the cast . I 'm not crazy about their orangish tshirts and leggings , but I do love the yellow tutus . The male duckling has a tail with tulle and boas , but it is not nearly as poofy as the girls ' tutus . The cat is wearing a pin - striped suit and I had to add fur down his back . I twisted some pipe cleaners together to filat Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . . |
My running friend who found out she had breast cancer just had a lumpectomy this week . She has a drainage tube and she says the doctor will allow her to run 48 to 72 hours after the procedure . I have my doubts , but find that any of my excuses not to run sound incredibly lame in comparison to her fortitude . She sent an update after she got home . A nurse was trying to reassure her and promised that she would be healthy again someday . My friend replied , " I am healthy ( now ) . " And , I 'm going to have to agree that she 's one of the healthiest and strongest people I know . She 's not just a breast cancer statistic . She 's an incredible individual and she 'll handle this her own way , like she does everything . Have you ever wondered what it might have been like to live thousands of years ago ? A time when highways didn 't crisscross the country and McDonalds didn 't blare its yellow red logo at you ? Imagine standing in a prehistoric time where the plants exerted their influence , where tree trunks became buttressed to withstand the swampy soil and sent up " knees " underground to increase their strength . Imagine longing for a glimpse of the sun 's warmth . Green plants emerging from the brown muck to find the light . Animals with tough skins lift their heads to the sun . And others burrow into the ground . The trees and the swamps go on and on . The wind rushes through the tops of the hammock rattling the palm fronds , sending debris down below . That rustle in the bushes , is it another animal ? What could that be gliding through the water ? Alone in a prehistoric land . An alien land . Imagine how small you 'd feel at When I went for my run Saturday morning , I was a little disappointed not to see more wildlife . I 've seen cranes and herons and wild turkeys while running in Florida . Around a deserted , overgrown , brushy area , I 'm always a little concerned about the remaining Florida panther jumping onto my back . I 've even seen snakes slithering on the road . Yesterday , though , I saw only a few mockingbirds and backyard dogs . The statuary animals are plentiful though . That 's when I decided to do a fake animal tour . This woodpecker is in my parents ' backyard . One day I called the kids to quietly come look because I thought it was real . Okay , I was at a bad angle at the time . He looks quite wooden now . This fish mailbox isn 't pretending to be a real animal , but he is pretty awesome . Why the fake duck ? Are we really a country in need of more ducks or geese . In some business complexes they are poisoning the geese or letting dogs loose to get rid of the geese . Do we need more fake ducks and geese ? Bunnies in the garden ? Really ? These homeowners would probably go crazy if some real bunnies hopped into their flower bed . My mom , who used to have a lot of cats that hung around outside , says they now have a rabbit that sticks close by . As soon as we got out of the car the other night , a little bunny came dashing through the front yard followed by a big white cat with a black tail . These bunny statues are going nowhere . I always have trouble remembering which is which , but egrets are tall white birds and herons are gray , I think . I 'm guessing these guys are egrets . They look kind of regal don 't they ? Pink flamingoes used to be ubiquitous in Florida . Now all I could find was these wooden versions with wings that flap in the wind . If you look to the right of the flamingo , you 'll see a gray blob that turns out to be an actual animal . A cat that stood up and stretched in these weeds after I took the picture . The pelican is an impressive Florida bird . He was going extinct not that long ago but now you see squadrons of them swooping over the Gulf of Mexat It 's not the kind of Girls Gone Wild spring break that some might imagine , but our trip to Florida ended up being all girls . It was supposed to be a family vacation , but Spencer had a basketball tournament and Tucker had track practice so Earl " volunteered " to stay home with them . Grace then asked if she could bring a friend . So Sarah , Grace and I drove to my parents ' home in Florida . It started out dreary and rainy . As we drove through Cincinnati , the rain and clouds were so thick we couldn 't see the next bridge over the Ohio River . We spent the night at my grandmother 's in Kentucky and then left at 5 a . m . the following morning to drive to my parents ' house . We listened to The Lost Symbol on tape and stopped at the perfect restaurant with a Dairy Queen and a Subway , but a college bus had beaten us to it . We ended up driving through a Burger King , which I wouldn 't recommend . Then we made another stop at a gas station . While I filled up , the girls went in to use the bathroom , then came back and said it was all truckers and hookers . " They were sending us upstairs to use the bathroom , " Grace said . " Creepy . " Of course , Sarah was half way up the stairs before Grace called her back . Thirteen hours after we left , with few traffic problems and beautiful sunshine the entire day , we arrived to burgers on the grill . The girls were quick to hop in the pool . They have plans to meet a friend at St . Pete beach sometime this week and want to go hiking and bike riding at the state park nearby . Meanwhile , it 's just nice to be in the warm weather , to go for a run with the weather at 60 instead of 30 , to let my hair curl because the humidity is too high to straighten it . Just when you think the plane could be coming in for a smooth landing , things get bumpy again . Grace has been accepted at her number one college so things should be good . Adding to her jubilation , this week , she found out she was nominated for Scholar Athlete . The newspaper asks each high school to nominate a male and female athlete . They get pictures and articles in the sports section of the newspaper , and 17 students are chosen to share a big pool of scholarship money . Grace was on cloud nine . The athletic director picked her from all the other female athletes in the school , including some with well - known parents . She learned that the athletic director talked to teachers and coaches before making her decision , so somewhere teachers and coaches are saying nice things about her . She felt like she had won for once . Of course , the fly in the ointment , my husband works for the local newspaper . So he felt the need to clarify whether Grace was actually eligible to receive the scholarship money . After several rounds of phone calls , he found that although she could receive the plaque and the newspaper publicity , she couldn 't receive the scholarship money since Earl works at the paper . When I told Grace , she cried , leaving a wet spot on the leg of my pants . " I should give it back to them and let them choose someone else , " she sobbed . It 's hard to know the right thing to do . Should Grace get the acknowledgement from the school and the city , or should she give up her spot to let another student at her high school have a chance at the scholarship ? I suppose even considering whether to return it means she 's going to be okay either way . She thinks about doing the responsible things . Maybe she could be on one of those insurance commercials about people who do the right thing . Think she could get a scholarship for that ? I hate diets . I believe that dieting is at the heart of gaining weight , at least for me . If I limit myself , saying I can 't have that one cookie , then I crave cookies and I 'll eat a ton . So I 've always tried to eat what I want in moderation and exercise a lot . The past few years , it has caught up with me . That 's when my friend Sheila suggested the Fat Flush diet plan . I liked a lot of what the book said about detoxifying the liver and getting rid of wheat , dairy and sugar to see if it is causing the fatigue or allergy symptoms . Plus , the first part of the diet lasts two weeks . Knowing I probably wouldn 't make it two weeks , I decided to give it a try yesterday . My morning routine includes preparing a press pot of coffee , steaming some milk and pouring the coffee in to make it a lovely tan color then adding a teaspoon of sugar . Well , the fat flush requires no caffeine for the liver to deal with . So my morning started with a cup of hot water and half a lemon . Not nearly as satisfying . And a nagging headache started behind my eyes as I drank the cranberry water concoction that is required - 64 ounces each day . When I drank the cranberry water with a tablespoon of flaxseed , I gagged on the thickness at the bottom . Breakfast was two hard boiled eggs with some cumin for seasoning . That wasn 't bad . Then I walked for an hour with Sheila , chasing along behind her little , speedy dog . My headache was increasing as I made my way back home . I steamed some broccoli , sliced a cucumber and opened a pack of tuna for lunch . Then I gave up and headed to the couch for a nap . Still my headache kept increasing and I felt pressure behind my sinuses . This detox thing is really clearing out my sinuses , I thought . That 's when I started throwing up and it finally became clear to me that the headache / migraine was connected to my monthly cycle rather than the Fat Flush diet . I lay in a dark room for most of the evening , getting up to puke . I was feeling little better as 9 o ' clock approached and thought I would drive to pick up Spencer from basketball , at This afternoon when we opened the mailbox , a big cream - colored envelope ( recycled , of course ) awaited us . It was addressed to Grace , but Earl and I tore into it since she was at school . The letter had finally come from her top pick college . She was accepted ! We rejoiced for Grace 's acceptance to a school , a really good school where the incoming class hails from places like : Marblehead High School in Massachusetts , Seton Hall Prep School , Miss Edgar 's & Ms . Cramp 's School in Quebec , Lawrence Academy at Groton , and La Salle Academy in Rhode Island . I 'm not sure Grace realizes the odds of a student from a small , public high school in Ohio getting into this elite college . I 'm not sure that she realizes her good , but not great , grades were probably not enough to have pulled her into this school . Her freestyle swim stroke may be what twisted the arms of the administrators to allow her to attend . But we 'll take it . During her lunch break , I called and told her the news . She screamed then screamed some more . " I got in ! " The elation we felt for her rose to the ceiling , before falling to the wood floor beneath us when we saw the financial aid offer . The offer was so generous . More than $ 26 , 000 each year for Grace 's college education . But the tuition is so much more . The college offer included a couple of loans and some work / study opportunity in addition to the $ 26 , 000 grant . The bottom line is that our family portion is still going to be more than $ 19 , 000 for tuition , room and board each year . Gulp ! It didn 't take long before I was on the computer searching for our airline reservations , the ones that were supposed to take us to France next month . We still aren 't sure if the tickets are refundable , but if they are , they can go a small way toward paying that chunk of tuition . We realize , now that the numbers are on the table , that we have to put the money toward college rather than a whimsical trip to France . Even though we may not be going to France , I 'm keeping the purse . While all around me here in Ohio people are obsessing about basketball , my weekend is all about swimming . They call it March Madness and it 's the college basketball tournament . Everyone , even people who care nothing about basketball , predict the winners of the 64 - team tournament . Then they watch the results , suddenly invested because of those brackets they filled out . As for me , I 'm in a hotel room near Bowling Green State University for the biggest swim meet in the region . It 's called the Great Lakes Zones and includes swimmers from Michigan , Ohio , Indiana and West Virginia . My kids events are conveniently timed so that they swim only one or two per day - - Friday , Saturday and Sunday . Both Grace and Tucker have dropped time on each event they have swum , so I guess it 's a success . As for me , I am scrambling to finish grades which are due today and after I finish this swim meet Sunday then run to my writer 's group on Sunday afternoon and take Spencer to basketball practice Sunday evening , I am taking some time to myself . I mean it too . Here 's a picture of my new purse which I will be carrying in Paris this spring because we just bought our airline tickets ! Yea ! I thought it wasn 't going to happen . We went back and forth . Too expensive . Daughter going to college in the fall . Our 20th anniversary . Finally , we found a good deal on airfare , $ 605 each round trip . And last night , I found this sweet little purse . It says spring . It says travel . It says . I 'm going ! No one has actually said the words . Breast cancer . Thud . The words fall beause they have no meaning . I can 't equate those words with my friend . Yes , I followed the saga from lump , no big deal , to mammogram , to biopsy , to now . But that isn 't my story to tell . All I can say is that I 'm scared for my friend , but I can 't allow myself to think for a moment that she 's not going to be the same person who meets me every Saturday morning at the trail . This isn 't some mother of a basketball player who I wave to across the gym . This isn 't the woman who drives the silver car , you know , you see her pull into school a few minutes late every morning . This time it 's different because she is my friend . She 's my friend who has spent years convincing me that I can run a marathon and I can write a book , no , I should write a book . She has hiked with me on the Appalachian trail and she has run with me through snow and rain and beating sunshine . She has stopped to listen to bird calls , to watch geese take flight and to pick up a nursing bat that lay in the middle of the path . She has listened to me whine about my marital issues and my kids ' problems and she has shared her own . Now she has to face something horrific and she will face it with guts and love , but I wonder what I will do . Because , even though my family has survived tragedy in the past , my modus operandi is avoidance . And I don 't want to be that person , the one who asks her other friends , " Hey , how 's she doing ? " because I 've been too busy to actually spend any time with her . So , I resolve to be there for my friend . But I don 't know what that looks like . I don 't know what to do . I don 't know what to say . I feel like I 'm floundering when she needs me most . Is there a right way to do this ? My Saturday night was spent not just dogsitting , but chaperoning this motley crew of 14 - year - olds who arrived to celebrate Tucker 's birthday . If you 'll recall , last year Tucker had the worst birthday ever . It included walking to school ( late ) in below zero weather . Getting two detentions . Not receiving the special lunch Earl dropped off for him so he had nothing to eat . And Earl learning that day that the newspaper was planning layoffs and he might lose his job , so we contemplated returning the birthday present . I was determined that this year 's birthday would be better and it was . After school I took him and five boys to a pizza place . Then this weekend we planned this party . Tucker , out of all of my children , is presenting a challenge as he enters these teenage years . And sometimes I feel exasperated . At my wits ' end . Then I see my friend Ruth struggling with her son 's anxieties that debilitate him . I see my other friend waiting to learn the results of her biopsy . Each of us is walking our own path and sometimes things seem unbearable , but mostly just looking up from the path shows us that others have a more difficult climb . It reminds me to stop complaining . I struggle to remember that the hardest and the easiest thing to do when a child wears me down , is to give him a hug and don 't let go for a long while . This little guy has kept me busy this weekend . No , I haven 't lost my mind and adopted a puppy . The first few minutes of holding this wriggly guy , my thoughts were , " Oh , he 's so cute . " But by the fourth time he peed on the one rug in the house and pooped on the wood floor behind the chair , I remembered why I don 't have a dog . Lucky is his name . He 's a miniature beagle and pug mixture . " What do they call that ? " Spencer asked . " A bug ? " No actually they call it a puggle and Grace is dogsitting him . Of course , Grace has a very busy life , so while she 's gone to swim practice and concert competition , I get to keep an eye on the dog . At first we let him run around the house . Then we figured out we needed to keep him confined to his kennel or outside . Last evening , I took him out twice and he peed twice within the span of half an hour . Fifteen minutes later , he peed on one of the girls at Tucker 's birthday party while she was holding him . Back to the Kennel for Lucky . He 's 10 weeks old and about five pounds . I 'll try to get a picture of him next to the cats so you can see how tiny he is , and so he doesn 't look so evil . We 're making progress , I guess , because when I got up this morning , he hadn 't peed in his kennel , which he did yesterday . Right now , while I have my morning coffee and check my favorite blogs , he 's outside in the yard alone and he has stopped scratching on the door . I 'd better go check on him . He goes home today . What a relief ! It all started with an email about writing submissions . I 'm part of a writing yahoo group that used to be very active , but lately only sends emails when someone gets a successful publishing deal . An email came across about submissions for an erotica anthology . Now , I 've never written erotica . Whenever a sex scene pops into my novels , I inevitably tone it down , leaving the details to the readers ' imaginations . This submission called for erotica of 1200 words . I mean , who couldn 't write that ? The only problem was that I wouldn 't want it associated with me . How embarassing for me , my children , my parents . . . So , I decided to create a pseudonym . It took some thinking before I came up with a name that I thought would be innocent , yet provocative . Think sexy librarian . No , I 'm not telling you because what would be the point of creating an anonymous pseudonym and then telling everyone . What I didn 't realize was how many steps it would take to create this fake persona . I thought I 'd start a Facebook page . Before I did that , of course , I had to have an email . So I went to gmail and created an account based on my pseudonym . Then I went to Facebook . My pseudonym might as well be younger , one of us should enjoy it . She 's about 10 years younger than I am , in the prime of her life . Aaah . Of course , I can 't post a picture of myself . Next I had to create an account to make an avatar . Remember that the avatar isn 't of me , but of this erotica writer person . Am I giving it away by posting it on my blog ? I have no idea how people can track down other people on Facebook . I sent a message to a friend asking her to add me to a group and then I wondered if that message is posted to her wall so everyone will know that it 's me , posing as this other person . I have resisted Facebook as myself . I don 't want to spy on my teenagers . Really , I 'd prefer not to know what they do most of the time . When I want to communicate with my parents ( who do have a Facebook account but have no idea how it was created ) , I just call them . I have a webpage called paat This morning in the dark ( yes , it 's still dark at 5 a . m . in case anyone wondered ) as I put the kettle on for coffee water , I noticed both cats sitting together staring under the refrigerator . I hate that . I hate when the cats stare at something . Sometimes they 'll be staring at me , except not really at me but over my shoulder so then I have to turn around and look . Almost always , there is nothing behind me . Then I wonder if there 's something there I can 't see ! Anyway , cats sitting together staring under the refrigerator could mean a mouse . I put the water on the stove and rinsed out my press pot for coffee . The cats had shifted . They were both staring at the tile on the kitchen floor and Tupi reached out an occasional big paw to bat at something . Tupi , like Hemingway cats in Key West , Florida , has two extra toes , so his paws are really big . I turned on the light in the kitchen to see what was fascinating the cats . I leaned over and saw there an innocent little bug . Now I 'm no expert on bugs , but this was a little guy who wouldn 't have frightened anyone in my house . The bug was about the size of one of Tupi 's toes . He was brown and had a kind of shell on his back and a pointy head that looked like a rhinoceros horn . When I later looked him up , I 'd say he falls under the category of a stink bug . They 're called that because they emit an odor to keep from getting eaten by birds and lizards . This stink bug no doubt was taking advantage of the warm weather . Since Sunday the weather has been in the high 50s . Earl has had the doors and windows open which fires up the cats ' feisty nature anyway . The cats continued to poke at the stink bug as he made his slow way along the tile . I put a white napkin on the floor in front of him and he slowly climbed onto it . I took the napkin with the bug out the back door and tried to shake him off into the grass . Apparently , stink bugs have grasping feet because he didn 't budge off the napkin . I just lay the napkin in the grass , figuring I 'd retrieve it later once the bug had moved on to grat Yesterday was Earl 's niece 's birthday . I don 't know why I say Earl 's niece since we 've been married 20 years , but I feel too young to have a 32 - year - old niece . She brought her 4 - month - old over to spend some time with us while she ran errands . Caroline is a little hesitant to warm up to us ( especially Earl ) . But she loves Grace . We had another beautiful day , so 20 minutes before the end of school , I put her in the stroller and walked up to the high school to meet Grace . Caroline fell asleep shortly after Grace joined us , so we stopped at the coffee shop and continued our walk home . As soon as we got home , Grace scooped her out of the stroller . She hasn 't heard the saying : " Let sleeping babies lie . " She wanted to play with Caroline . And , as you can tell from the photo , she had important things to teach her . What four - month - old doesn 't know how to text ? How 's she going to stay in touch with all of her baby friends if she can 't text yet ? Caroline is practically going cross - eyed trying to focus on that phone . The musical this past week was FABULOUS . I got to sit through it twice and a third time I was on costume repair duty so I scurried from backstage to the rear doors to watch various parts , especially Grace 's scene which begins the second act . When our French friend Marie came to visit this summer , she found it impossible to believe that Americans actually have " high school musicals . " " No , zhis must not be true ! " she insisted . She also couldn 't believe there were real marching bands . But , it 's all true . These pieces of Americana make up the high school experience . I 'd never seen this musical before , so my expectations were low . But the music , the acting and the kids were amazing . The musical is called HONK ! and it 's based on the story of The Ugly Duckling . A number of the high school kids decided this was beneath them and didn 't even try out . They apparently weren 't aware of the sexual innuendo throughout the play . As Grace said , " Mom , what do you expect ? It was created in England . " So no one should have been surprised when the duck mother was explaining to the Ugly Duckling that the island was too far away to swim . " Good gracious , no . It 's farther than you 'd think . I 've only been out there once when your father and I were courting and I didn 't mean to go that far then . " Grace , a hen , and Queenie , a cat , have a scene where the tom cat is chasing down the ugly duckling . The tom cat sees Queenie and a " love scene " ensues . She calls the tom cat a " scruff " but admits that when " you 've had it easy , you like a bit of rough ! " So this was definitely no children 's - only show . Some of my favorite parts from the show : Grace was sick on Tuesday night so she stayed home while they were rehearsing . She was texting . I asked who she was texting . " Carl . " " Isn 't Carl rehearsing ? " I asked . Carl played one of the ducklings . " Yes , he 's in his egg . " I loved the idea that Carl was on stage waiting to be hatched and busy texting . On opening night , we were in the audience . The cat 's goal throughout is to catch and eat the Ugly Duckling . A little boyat It may be that the long , gray winter has influenced me , and the fact that it was practically light when I met my friends for our run at 6 : 15 this morning buoyed my spirits , but I think today is the most gorgeous day ever . Sure , it was cold , in the 20s , and I couldn 't really feel my fingers for the first half hour or so , but I love running on the trail with my friends . The sunlight reflecting on the snow was like manna from heaven . Today is Princess ' birthday and she started it with a 7 . 5 mile run . Everything has to be good now . So happy birthday , Princess . One of the blogs I follow , http : / / willows95988 . typepad . com / tongue _ cheek / asked the question today about who is the storyteller in your life and what kinds of stories do you tell . Well , that Saturday morning run on the trail is all about telling stories . We tell stories about our lives and our kids ' lives . We talk about work and we laugh and laugh . Today 's stories were all over the place , as usual , as we interrupt each other to point out bright red cardinals , disappearing bunny tails and the smooth water of the river right before it gets bumpy over the rocks . Stephanie told a story about her mammogram that didn 't happen because the machine was broken . We began to speculate about what could have happened to the machine . We pictured it getting stuck with a woman 's breast inside it and how they would have to call the firefighters with " the jaws of life " to free her pancaked breast . We imagined running a marathon at Big Sur and how we wouldn 't make it very far because Stephanie would stop to look at every hole in the ground , every scat on the path and every movement in the bushes . The Queen of Secrets pondered how three of her friends at work could have the exact same birthdays that her three running friends have . Strange coincidence or karma ? Then we laughed about our hiking trip when we were all a little more out of shape , Princess was on Accutane which was giving her old - lady joint issues , and we decided to hike 25 miles in the rain and slippery leaves . We didn 't even sat I know if I were more knowledgable about the moon and the night sky , I could explain this , but a couple of times each year , I awaken to find the moonlight drenching my bed . This week has been one of those times . We have wooden shutters on the bottoms of the bedroom window , leaving the " architectural details " of our Arts & Crafts ' house windows uncovered . As the moon moves through its cycle this week , its light reaches our bedroom window during different parts of the night . Sometimes I 'll wake up to find Earl not in bed yet , but the moonlight is there . Other times I 'll feel Earl lying next to me with the moonlight pouring onto him . This morning , after a late night at the theater , I slept in until 6 : 30 . ( I know . Pitiful . ) When I woke up , the moon was there dousing our room with light . It shone in the navy blue sky , whose only purpose was to serve as background . The glass of the window distorted the view , but I wanted you to see my morning greeting from the moon . Last week , my 13 - year - old picked up his backpack off the floor and gave a sigh of exasperation . " Everyday I go to school leaving a trail of feathers , " he complained . It 's true . My house is full of feathers . And I don 't own a bird . The musical at the high school this year is the story of the Ugly Duckling and I am , once again , working on costumes . The borrowed sewing machine is set up at the end of our dining room table , right in front of a heating ventWhen the heat kicks on , the cut off pieces of yellow boa feathers stream up in the air then float down like tiny jelly fish under the ocean . We 'll be in the middle of a conversation when a little , yellow jellyfish boa comes floating down before our eyes . ( This may make a general statement about my housekeeping capabilities that may appall some readers . ) No one in the play is wearing a chicken suit , though . Since the fall play , Little Women , Jennie and I have been going to the costume room every week and reorganizing it . We 've removed , classified and folded every piece of clothing in there . Then suddenly spring musical was upon us . Luckily , with 35 cast members , some other mothers have stepped in to help , as well . Jennie and I " pulled " the necessary clothes from the boxes then we set to adding feathers . I 'm in charge of the costumes for the four ducklings and the evil cat . Every time I cut one of the yellow boas , the pieces flew everywhere , including up my nose . I 've swiffered and vaccuumed , but those yellow jellyfish boas keep escaping , much to the consternation of the cats who thought the boas and yellow tulle were only for attacking anyway . They 'll stare in suspicion at the piece of yellow feather flying through the air . The ducklings are the smallest girls in the cast . I 'm not crazy about their orangish tshirts and leggings , but I do love the yellow tutus . The male duckling has a tail with tulle and boas , but it is not nearly as poofy as the girls ' tutus . The cat is wearing a pin - striped suit and I had to add fur down his back . I twisted some pipe cleaners together to filat Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . . |
My running friend who found out she had breast cancer just had a lumpectomy this week . She has a drainage tube and she says the doctor will allow her to run 48 to 72 hours after the procedure . I have my doubts , but find that any of my excuses not to run sound incredibly lame in comparison to her fortitude . She sent an update after she got home . A nurse was trying to reassure her and promised that she would be healthy again someday . My friend replied , " I am healthy ( now ) . " And , I 'm going to have to agree that she 's one of the healthiest and strongest people I know . She 's not just a breast cancer statistic . She 's an incredible individual and she 'll handle this her own way , like she does everything . Have you ever wondered what it might have been like to live thousands of years ago ? A time when highways didn 't crisscross the country and McDonalds didn 't blare its yellow red logo at you ? Imagine standing in a prehistoric time where the plants exerted their influence , where tree trunks became buttressed to withstand the swampy soil and sent up " knees " underground to increase their strength . Imagine longing for a glimpse of the sun 's warmth . Green plants emerging from the brown muck to find the light . Animals with tough skins lift their heads to the sun . And others burrow into the ground . The trees and the swamps go on and on . The wind rushes through the tops of the hammock rattling the palm fronds , sending debris down below . That rustle in the bushes , is it another animal ? What could that be gliding through the water ? Alone in a prehistoric land . An alien land . Imagine how small you 'd feel at When I went for my run Saturday morning , I was a little disappointed not to see more wildlife . I 've seen cranes and herons and wild turkeys while running in Florida . Around a deserted , overgrown , brushy area , I 'm always a little concerned about the remaining Florida panther jumping onto my back . I 've even seen snakes slithering on the road . Yesterday , though , I saw only a few mockingbirds and backyard dogs . The statuary animals are plentiful though . That 's when I decided to do a fake animal tour . This woodpecker is in my parents ' backyard . One day I called the kids to quietly come look because I thought it was real . Okay , I was at a bad angle at the time . He looks quite wooden now . This fish mailbox isn 't pretending to be a real animal , but he is pretty awesome . Why the fake duck ? Are we really a country in need of more ducks or geese . In some business complexes they are poisoning the geese or letting dogs loose to get rid of the geese . Do we need more fake ducks and geese ? Bunnies in the garden ? Really ? These homeowners would probably go crazy if some real bunnies hopped into their flower bed . My mom , who used to have a lot of cats that hung around outside , says they now have a rabbit that sticks close by . As soon as we got out of the car the other night , a little bunny came dashing through the front yard followed by a big white cat with a black tail . These bunny statues are going nowhere . I always have trouble remembering which is which , but egrets are tall white birds and herons are gray , I think . I 'm guessing these guys are egrets . They look kind of regal don 't they ? Pink flamingoes used to be ubiquitous in Florida . Now all I could find was these wooden versions with wings that flap in the wind . If you look to the right of the flamingo , you 'll see a gray blob that turns out to be an actual animal . A cat that stood up and stretched in these weeds after I took the picture . The pelican is an impressive Florida bird . He was going extinct not that long ago but now you see squadrons of them swooping over the Gulf of Mexat It 's not the kind of Girls Gone Wild spring break that some might imagine , but our trip to Florida ended up being all girls . It was supposed to be a family vacation , but Spencer had a basketball tournament and Tucker had track practice so Earl " volunteered " to stay home with them . Grace then asked if she could bring a friend . So Sarah , Grace and I drove to my parents ' home in Florida . It started out dreary and rainy . As we drove through Cincinnati , the rain and clouds were so thick we couldn 't see the next bridge over the Ohio River . We spent the night at my grandmother 's in Kentucky and then left at 5 a . m . the following morning to drive to my parents ' house . We listened to The Lost Symbol on tape and stopped at the perfect restaurant with a Dairy Queen and a Subway , but a college bus had beaten us to it . We ended up driving through a Burger King , which I wouldn 't recommend . Then we made another stop at a gas station . While I filled up , the girls went in to use the bathroom , then came back and said it was all truckers and hookers . " They were sending us upstairs to use the bathroom , " Grace said . " Creepy . " Of course , Sarah was half way up the stairs before Grace called her back . Thirteen hours after we left , with few traffic problems and beautiful sunshine the entire day , we arrived to burgers on the grill . The girls were quick to hop in the pool . They have plans to meet a friend at St . Pete beach sometime this week and want to go hiking and bike riding at the state park nearby . Meanwhile , it 's just nice to be in the warm weather , to go for a run with the weather at 60 instead of 30 , to let my hair curl because the humidity is too high to straighten it . Just when you think the plane could be coming in for a smooth landing , things get bumpy again . Grace has been accepted at her number one college so things should be good . Adding to her jubilation , this week , she found out she was nominated for Scholar Athlete . The newspaper asks each high school to nominate a male and female athlete . They get pictures and articles in the sports section of the newspaper , and 17 students are chosen to share a big pool of scholarship money . Grace was on cloud nine . The athletic director picked her from all the other female athletes in the school , including some with well - known parents . She learned that the athletic director talked to teachers and coaches before making her decision , so somewhere teachers and coaches are saying nice things about her . She felt like she had won for once . Of course , the fly in the ointment , my husband works for the local newspaper . So he felt the need to clarify whether Grace was actually eligible to receive the scholarship money . After several rounds of phone calls , he found that although she could receive the plaque and the newspaper publicity , she couldn 't receive the scholarship money since Earl works at the paper . When I told Grace , she cried , leaving a wet spot on the leg of my pants . " I should give it back to them and let them choose someone else , " she sobbed . It 's hard to know the right thing to do . Should Grace get the acknowledgement from the school and the city , or should she give up her spot to let another student at her high school have a chance at the scholarship ? I suppose even considering whether to return it means she 's going to be okay either way . She thinks about doing the responsible things . Maybe she could be on one of those insurance commercials about people who do the right thing . Think she could get a scholarship for that ? I hate diets . I believe that dieting is at the heart of gaining weight , at least for me . If I limit myself , saying I can 't have that one cookie , then I crave cookies and I 'll eat a ton . So I 've always tried to eat what I want in moderation and exercise a lot . The past few years , it has caught up with me . That 's when my friend Sheila suggested the Fat Flush diet plan . I liked a lot of what the book said about detoxifying the liver and getting rid of wheat , dairy and sugar to see if it is causing the fatigue or allergy symptoms . Plus , the first part of the diet lasts two weeks . Knowing I probably wouldn 't make it two weeks , I decided to give it a try yesterday . My morning routine includes preparing a press pot of coffee , steaming some milk and pouring the coffee in to make it a lovely tan color then adding a teaspoon of sugar . Well , the fat flush requires no caffeine for the liver to deal with . So my morning started with a cup of hot water and half a lemon . Not nearly as satisfying . And a nagging headache started behind my eyes as I drank the cranberry water concoction that is required - 64 ounces each day . When I drank the cranberry water with a tablespoon of flaxseed , I gagged on the thickness at the bottom . Breakfast was two hard boiled eggs with some cumin for seasoning . That wasn 't bad . Then I walked for an hour with Sheila , chasing along behind her little , speedy dog . My headache was increasing as I made my way back home . I steamed some broccoli , sliced a cucumber and opened a pack of tuna for lunch . Then I gave up and headed to the couch for a nap . Still my headache kept increasing and I felt pressure behind my sinuses . This detox thing is really clearing out my sinuses , I thought . That 's when I started throwing up and it finally became clear to me that the headache / migraine was connected to my monthly cycle rather than the Fat Flush diet . I lay in a dark room for most of the evening , getting up to puke . I was feeling little better as 9 o ' clock approached and thought I would drive to pick up Spencer from basketball , at This afternoon when we opened the mailbox , a big cream - colored envelope ( recycled , of course ) awaited us . It was addressed to Grace , but Earl and I tore into it since she was at school . The letter had finally come from her top pick college . She was accepted ! We rejoiced for Grace 's acceptance to a school , a really good school where the incoming class hails from places like : Marblehead High School in Massachusetts , Seton Hall Prep School , Miss Edgar 's & Ms . Cramp 's School in Quebec , Lawrence Academy at Groton , and La Salle Academy in Rhode Island . I 'm not sure Grace realizes the odds of a student from a small , public high school in Ohio getting into this elite college . I 'm not sure that she realizes her good , but not great , grades were probably not enough to have pulled her into this school . Her freestyle swim stroke may be what twisted the arms of the administrators to allow her to attend . But we 'll take it . During her lunch break , I called and told her the news . She screamed then screamed some more . " I got in ! " The elation we felt for her rose to the ceiling , before falling to the wood floor beneath us when we saw the financial aid offer . The offer was so generous . More than $ 26 , 000 each year for Grace 's college education . But the tuition is so much more . The college offer included a couple of loans and some work / study opportunity in addition to the $ 26 , 000 grant . The bottom line is that our family portion is still going to be more than $ 19 , 000 for tuition , room and board each year . Gulp ! It didn 't take long before I was on the computer searching for our airline reservations , the ones that were supposed to take us to France next month . We still aren 't sure if the tickets are refundable , but if they are , they can go a small way toward paying that chunk of tuition . We realize , now that the numbers are on the table , that we have to put the money toward college rather than a whimsical trip to France . Even though we may not be going to France , I 'm keeping the purse . While all around me here in Ohio people are obsessing about basketball , my weekend is all about swimming . They call it March Madness and it 's the college basketball tournament . Everyone , even people who care nothing about basketball , predict the winners of the 64 - team tournament . Then they watch the results , suddenly invested because of those brackets they filled out . As for me , I 'm in a hotel room near Bowling Green State University for the biggest swim meet in the region . It 's called the Great Lakes Zones and includes swimmers from Michigan , Ohio , Indiana and West Virginia . My kids events are conveniently timed so that they swim only one or two per day - - Friday , Saturday and Sunday . Both Grace and Tucker have dropped time on each event they have swum , so I guess it 's a success . As for me , I am scrambling to finish grades which are due today and after I finish this swim meet Sunday then run to my writer 's group on Sunday afternoon and take Spencer to basketball practice Sunday evening , I am taking some time to myself . I mean it too . Here 's a picture of my new purse which I will be carrying in Paris this spring because we just bought our airline tickets ! Yea ! I thought it wasn 't going to happen . We went back and forth . Too expensive . Daughter going to college in the fall . Our 20th anniversary . Finally , we found a good deal on airfare , $ 605 each round trip . And last night , I found this sweet little purse . It says spring . It says travel . It says . I 'm going ! No one has actually said the words . Breast cancer . Thud . The words fall beause they have no meaning . I can 't equate those words with my friend . Yes , I followed the saga from lump , no big deal , to mammogram , to biopsy , to now . But that isn 't my story to tell . All I can say is that I 'm scared for my friend , but I can 't allow myself to think for a moment that she 's not going to be the same person who meets me every Saturday morning at the trail . This isn 't some mother of a basketball player who I wave to across the gym . This isn 't the woman who drives the silver car , you know , you see her pull into school a few minutes late every morning . This time it 's different because she is my friend . She 's my friend who has spent years convincing me that I can run a marathon and I can write a book , no , I should write a book . She has hiked with me on the Appalachian trail and she has run with me through snow and rain and beating sunshine . She has stopped to listen to bird calls , to watch geese take flight and to pick up a nursing bat that lay in the middle of the path . She has listened to me whine about my marital issues and my kids ' problems and she has shared her own . Now she has to face something horrific and she will face it with guts and love , but I wonder what I will do . Because , even though my family has survived tragedy in the past , my modus operandi is avoidance . And I don 't want to be that person , the one who asks her other friends , " Hey , how 's she doing ? " because I 've been too busy to actually spend any time with her . So , I resolve to be there for my friend . But I don 't know what that looks like . I don 't know what to do . I don 't know what to say . I feel like I 'm floundering when she needs me most . Is there a right way to do this ? My Saturday night was spent not just dogsitting , but chaperoning this motley crew of 14 - year - olds who arrived to celebrate Tucker 's birthday . If you 'll recall , last year Tucker had the worst birthday ever . It included walking to school ( late ) in below zero weather . Getting two detentions . Not receiving the special lunch Earl dropped off for him so he had nothing to eat . And Earl learning that day that the newspaper was planning layoffs and he might lose his job , so we contemplated returning the birthday present . I was determined that this year 's birthday would be better and it was . After school I took him and five boys to a pizza place . Then this weekend we planned this party . Tucker , out of all of my children , is presenting a challenge as he enters these teenage years . And sometimes I feel exasperated . At my wits ' end . Then I see my friend Ruth struggling with her son 's anxieties that debilitate him . I see my other friend waiting to learn the results of her biopsy . Each of us is walking our own path and sometimes things seem unbearable , but mostly just looking up from the path shows us that others have a more difficult climb . It reminds me to stop complaining . I struggle to remember that the hardest and the easiest thing to do when a child wears me down , is to give him a hug and don 't let go for a long while . This little guy has kept me busy this weekend . No , I haven 't lost my mind and adopted a puppy . The first few minutes of holding this wriggly guy , my thoughts were , " Oh , he 's so cute . " But by the fourth time he peed on the one rug in the house and pooped on the wood floor behind the chair , I remembered why I don 't have a dog . Lucky is his name . He 's a miniature beagle and pug mixture . " What do they call that ? " Spencer asked . " A bug ? " No actually they call it a puggle and Grace is dogsitting him . Of course , Grace has a very busy life , so while she 's gone to swim practice and concert competition , I get to keep an eye on the dog . At first we let him run around the house . Then we figured out we needed to keep him confined to his kennel or outside . Last evening , I took him out twice and he peed twice within the span of half an hour . Fifteen minutes later , he peed on one of the girls at Tucker 's birthday party while she was holding him . Back to the Kennel for Lucky . He 's 10 weeks old and about five pounds . I 'll try to get a picture of him next to the cats so you can see how tiny he is , and so he doesn 't look so evil . We 're making progress , I guess , because when I got up this morning , he hadn 't peed in his kennel , which he did yesterday . Right now , while I have my morning coffee and check my favorite blogs , he 's outside in the yard alone and he has stopped scratching on the door . I 'd better go check on him . He goes home today . What a relief ! It all started with an email about writing submissions . I 'm part of a writing yahoo group that used to be very active , but lately only sends emails when someone gets a successful publishing deal . An email came across about submissions for an erotica anthology . Now , I 've never written erotica . Whenever a sex scene pops into my novels , I inevitably tone it down , leaving the details to the readers ' imaginations . This submission called for erotica of 1200 words . I mean , who couldn 't write that ? The only problem was that I wouldn 't want it associated with me . How embarassing for me , my children , my parents . . . So , I decided to create a pseudonym . It took some thinking before I came up with a name that I thought would be innocent , yet provocative . Think sexy librarian . No , I 'm not telling you because what would be the point of creating an anonymous pseudonym and then telling everyone . What I didn 't realize was how many steps it would take to create this fake persona . I thought I 'd start a Facebook page . Before I did that , of course , I had to have an email . So I went to gmail and created an account based on my pseudonym . Then I went to Facebook . My pseudonym might as well be younger , one of us should enjoy it . She 's about 10 years younger than I am , in the prime of her life . Aaah . Of course , I can 't post a picture of myself . Next I had to create an account to make an avatar . Remember that the avatar isn 't of me , but of this erotica writer person . Am I giving it away by posting it on my blog ? I have no idea how people can track down other people on Facebook . I sent a message to a friend asking her to add me to a group and then I wondered if that message is posted to her wall so everyone will know that it 's me , posing as this other person . I have resisted Facebook as myself . I don 't want to spy on my teenagers . Really , I 'd prefer not to know what they do most of the time . When I want to communicate with my parents ( who do have a Facebook account but have no idea how it was created ) , I just call them . I have a webpage called paat This morning in the dark ( yes , it 's still dark at 5 a . m . in case anyone wondered ) as I put the kettle on for coffee water , I noticed both cats sitting together staring under the refrigerator . I hate that . I hate when the cats stare at something . Sometimes they 'll be staring at me , except not really at me but over my shoulder so then I have to turn around and look . Almost always , there is nothing behind me . Then I wonder if there 's something there I can 't see ! Anyway , cats sitting together staring under the refrigerator could mean a mouse . I put the water on the stove and rinsed out my press pot for coffee . The cats had shifted . They were both staring at the tile on the kitchen floor and Tupi reached out an occasional big paw to bat at something . Tupi , like Hemingway cats in Key West , Florida , has two extra toes , so his paws are really big . I turned on the light in the kitchen to see what was fascinating the cats . I leaned over and saw there an innocent little bug . Now I 'm no expert on bugs , but this was a little guy who wouldn 't have frightened anyone in my house . The bug was about the size of one of Tupi 's toes . He was brown and had a kind of shell on his back and a pointy head that looked like a rhinoceros horn . When I later looked him up , I 'd say he falls under the category of a stink bug . They 're called that because they emit an odor to keep from getting eaten by birds and lizards . This stink bug no doubt was taking advantage of the warm weather . Since Sunday the weather has been in the high 50s . Earl has had the doors and windows open which fires up the cats ' feisty nature anyway . The cats continued to poke at the stink bug as he made his slow way along the tile . I put a white napkin on the floor in front of him and he slowly climbed onto it . I took the napkin with the bug out the back door and tried to shake him off into the grass . Apparently , stink bugs have grasping feet because he didn 't budge off the napkin . I just lay the napkin in the grass , figuring I 'd retrieve it later once the bug had moved on to grat Yesterday was Earl 's niece 's birthday . I don 't know why I say Earl 's niece since we 've been married 20 years , but I feel too young to have a 32 - year - old niece . She brought her 4 - month - old over to spend some time with us while she ran errands . Caroline is a little hesitant to warm up to us ( especially Earl ) . But she loves Grace . We had another beautiful day , so 20 minutes before the end of school , I put her in the stroller and walked up to the high school to meet Grace . Caroline fell asleep shortly after Grace joined us , so we stopped at the coffee shop and continued our walk home . As soon as we got home , Grace scooped her out of the stroller . She hasn 't heard the saying : " Let sleeping babies lie . " She wanted to play with Caroline . And , as you can tell from the photo , she had important things to teach her . What four - month - old doesn 't know how to text ? How 's she going to stay in touch with all of her baby friends if she can 't text yet ? Caroline is practically going cross - eyed trying to focus on that phone . The musical this past week was FABULOUS . I got to sit through it twice and a third time I was on costume repair duty so I scurried from backstage to the rear doors to watch various parts , especially Grace 's scene which begins the second act . When our French friend Marie came to visit this summer , she found it impossible to believe that Americans actually have " high school musicals . " " No , zhis must not be true ! " she insisted . She also couldn 't believe there were real marching bands . But , it 's all true . These pieces of Americana make up the high school experience . I 'd never seen this musical before , so my expectations were low . But the music , the acting and the kids were amazing . The musical is called HONK ! and it 's based on the story of The Ugly Duckling . A number of the high school kids decided this was beneath them and didn 't even try out . They apparently weren 't aware of the sexual innuendo throughout the play . As Grace said , " Mom , what do you expect ? It was created in England . " So no one should have been surprised when the duck mother was explaining to the Ugly Duckling that the island was too far away to swim . " Good gracious , no . It 's farther than you 'd think . I 've only been out there once when your father and I were courting and I didn 't mean to go that far then . " Grace , a hen , and Queenie , a cat , have a scene where the tom cat is chasing down the ugly duckling . The tom cat sees Queenie and a " love scene " ensues . She calls the tom cat a " scruff " but admits that when " you 've had it easy , you like a bit of rough ! " So this was definitely no children 's - only show . Some of my favorite parts from the show : Grace was sick on Tuesday night so she stayed home while they were rehearsing . She was texting . I asked who she was texting . " Carl . " " Isn 't Carl rehearsing ? " I asked . Carl played one of the ducklings . " Yes , he 's in his egg . " I loved the idea that Carl was on stage waiting to be hatched and busy texting . On opening night , we were in the audience . The cat 's goal throughout is to catch and eat the Ugly Duckling . A little boyat It may be that the long , gray winter has influenced me , and the fact that it was practically light when I met my friends for our run at 6 : 15 this morning buoyed my spirits , but I think today is the most gorgeous day ever . Sure , it was cold , in the 20s , and I couldn 't really feel my fingers for the first half hour or so , but I love running on the trail with my friends . The sunlight reflecting on the snow was like manna from heaven . Today is Princess ' birthday and she started it with a 7 . 5 mile run . Everything has to be good now . So happy birthday , Princess . One of the blogs I follow , http : / / willows95988 . typepad . com / tongue _ cheek / asked the question today about who is the storyteller in your life and what kinds of stories do you tell . Well , that Saturday morning run on the trail is all about telling stories . We tell stories about our lives and our kids ' lives . We talk about work and we laugh and laugh . Today 's stories were all over the place , as usual , as we interrupt each other to point out bright red cardinals , disappearing bunny tails and the smooth water of the river right before it gets bumpy over the rocks . Stephanie told a story about her mammogram that didn 't happen because the machine was broken . We began to speculate about what could have happened to the machine . We pictured it getting stuck with a woman 's breast inside it and how they would have to call the firefighters with " the jaws of life " to free her pancaked breast . We imagined running a marathon at Big Sur and how we wouldn 't make it very far because Stephanie would stop to look at every hole in the ground , every scat on the path and every movement in the bushes . The Queen of Secrets pondered how three of her friends at work could have the exact same birthdays that her three running friends have . Strange coincidence or karma ? Then we laughed about our hiking trip when we were all a little more out of shape , Princess was on Accutane which was giving her old - lady joint issues , and we decided to hike 25 miles in the rain and slippery leaves . We didn 't even sat I know if I were more knowledgable about the moon and the night sky , I could explain this , but a couple of times each year , I awaken to find the moonlight drenching my bed . This week has been one of those times . We have wooden shutters on the bottoms of the bedroom window , leaving the " architectural details " of our Arts & Crafts ' house windows uncovered . As the moon moves through its cycle this week , its light reaches our bedroom window during different parts of the night . Sometimes I 'll wake up to find Earl not in bed yet , but the moonlight is there . Other times I 'll feel Earl lying next to me with the moonlight pouring onto him . This morning , after a late night at the theater , I slept in until 6 : 30 . ( I know . Pitiful . ) When I woke up , the moon was there dousing our room with light . It shone in the navy blue sky , whose only purpose was to serve as background . The glass of the window distorted the view , but I wanted you to see my morning greeting from the moon . Last week , my 13 - year - old picked up his backpack off the floor and gave a sigh of exasperation . " Everyday I go to school leaving a trail of feathers , " he complained . It 's true . My house is full of feathers . And I don 't own a bird . The musical at the high school this year is the story of the Ugly Duckling and I am , once again , working on costumes . The borrowed sewing machine is set up at the end of our dining room table , right in front of a heating ventWhen the heat kicks on , the cut off pieces of yellow boa feathers stream up in the air then float down like tiny jelly fish under the ocean . We 'll be in the middle of a conversation when a little , yellow jellyfish boa comes floating down before our eyes . ( This may make a general statement about my housekeeping capabilities that may appall some readers . ) No one in the play is wearing a chicken suit , though . Since the fall play , Little Women , Jennie and I have been going to the costume room every week and reorganizing it . We 've removed , classified and folded every piece of clothing in there . Then suddenly spring musical was upon us . Luckily , with 35 cast members , some other mothers have stepped in to help , as well . Jennie and I " pulled " the necessary clothes from the boxes then we set to adding feathers . I 'm in charge of the costumes for the four ducklings and the evil cat . Every time I cut one of the yellow boas , the pieces flew everywhere , including up my nose . I 've swiffered and vaccuumed , but those yellow jellyfish boas keep escaping , much to the consternation of the cats who thought the boas and yellow tulle were only for attacking anyway . They 'll stare in suspicion at the piece of yellow feather flying through the air . The ducklings are the smallest girls in the cast . I 'm not crazy about their orangish tshirts and leggings , but I do love the yellow tutus . The male duckling has a tail with tulle and boas , but it is not nearly as poofy as the girls ' tutus . The cat is wearing a pin - striped suit and I had to add fur down his back . I twisted some pipe cleaners together to filat Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . . |
A journey of grief - losing a soulmate and the path to emotional stability . This is a daily journal of thoughts , sadness , bewilderment , joy , frustration and pain as a therapeutic way to express and release . Please feel free to comment , because then I know someone is out there . And that also helps . 19 months82 weeks13 , 920 hoursAnd I find that I can sit and remember the details of that night / morning so sharply that it is like I am there again . Coming home is a blur , but sitting in the hospital and touching Jim , a cold Jim , and realizing that he was dead adn that it would be the last time to touch him , to see his face , to feel his hair and I can remember running my fingers thru his hair . It hurt too much to touch his skin , it was too cold , but the hair , feeling it is a still very vivid memory . 835 , 200 minutes Jimisms - a unique to Jim way of doing something . He did it , he could explain the reasoning and he made it all seem to make sense . 1 ) " No natural Exit " When in a parking lot and you go to leave , following the way the parking pattern goes and the way the street you want to reach is angled , yet when you get to where there should be an exit . . . . there isn 't . Jim would say that the lot had no natural exits - the instinctual way to leave the area , but instead there were the exits planned by men . 2 ) " Better safe then sorry " This is buying something , like a cd or a tool , because you can 't remember if you have it or where it is . Jim usually didn 't know that he had the item already but would know that he needed or wanted it . I found lots of screwdrivers and there are about 6 cd 's that are doubles and the second ones ( or maybe the first ) are still sealed / never been opened . I found myself doing this the other day while at Home Depot . I knew that I needed duct tape , knew that we had some at home , knew that I had no idea where it was , and bought another roll . 3 ) Not sure what to call this one , but Jim would fill the gas up to a certain ' offbeat ' amount . He would stop at 20 . 10 or 30 . 30 or some such . He said it was so that when he looked at the checking account he would remember that was for the gas . This is another Jimism that I found myself doing . I am not even sure why because I don 't look at my statements that often . I guess it is because it was a habit with him . I know there are more things that he did throughout life that were so ingrained they were even realized as a habit or a quirk , so I will be back with more later . Merry Christmas ! I would like to take a moment and thank family and friends . For helping turn what could have been a pretty horrible holiday into something tolerable . By being there for me in a subtle way . For opening homes and allowing me to spend time . Allowing may not be the best word , but sharing is . Sharing in the friendship that is twofold , mine for them and theirs for me . A party and a dinner and just a ' spend the afternoon ' has helped . I knew that the traditional brunch at my Dad 's was not going to be possible , not last year with no car and not this year with no Dad there . I would be looking for him , expecting him . My friend Elaine , when she heard I was going to be sitting at home maybe doing laundry , stepped up and invited me to her Mom 's brunch . It reminded me so much of times when I invited friends to my own mom 's for thanksgiving or easter when they had no place to go . This is what friendship do for each other . My brother called me bright and early this morning to say thanks for the gifts I sent out and to see how things were here . Me and the dogs were up , both of us fed and we were watching A Christmas Story . That is a family tradition here , one that Jim started and that I will carry on . Besides loving the movie , we always thought that the young Jim looked a little bit like Ralphie , and that made it special . The glasses and the blonde hair . Have a Happy Holiday ! Time Travel . One of my favorite themes in science fiction . Several excellent books come to mind . Replay by Ken Grimwood and Time enough for Love by Robert Heinlein is another . I am not going to go into the thought of what if I could go back in time to tell Jim . . . . something . Exercise more ? eat right ? don 't get that job ? Rather the question came up on a social internet board - What would you do if you were transported back to early September 2001 . He said - I was watching the pilot episode of the American version of " Life on Mars " recently . He is a time traveler and it is set in New York City . The main character ( Sam , if it matters ) doesn 't believe he 's in 1973 until the big reveal at the end of the show where he turns around and sees the World Trade Center . Well , that 's quite a shock for him . It was for me , too . I wasn ' texpecting it and it surprised me how much it hurt . But it got me to thinking . If you were to go back in time , through some accident , whether a warp hole or you got stuck in Doc Browns Time Machine accidentally or whatever , and you arrived in early September 2001 , with no documentation from the future , nothing that would not exist in that time frame , how would you convince people you were from the future and how would you stop 9 / 11 ? The discussion went on from there amongst us friends to come up with different ways . Bomb threat ? Go on the air with Howard Stern ? Call the FBI and try to convince them with info you know because it was revealed afterwards ? I wondered if there was a way to stop the planes from even taking off or maybe finding a way to get on the plane and stop it there . I did like this solution , one man saidThis one is easy . . . . . I don 't have to convince anyone of who I am or what I know . All I have to do is get them to take box cutters seriously and accept the idea of a kamikaze airliner . On September 8 , I will hijack a plane using a boxcutter . I will threaten and scare a few random passengers and order the plane to " buzz " NYC below the level of higher buildings ( ie , to make it clear what COULDhappPosted by I am driving down the highway and looking at this absolutely beautiful full moon . The crispness of the night air must help because the moon is like crystal hung in the sky . . It reminds me of when Jim and I went climbing . Climbing to the top of the house , to the roof . Back in 2003 Mercury ( or maybe Mars ? ) was closest to Earth for a few days / weeks . And it didn 't happen that often . I can 't remember the details . I just remember it was a big astrological deal . So Jim and I pulled the old telescope out of the box in the basement and he set up some ladders and we went up to the top of the house . Two stories up . Oh boy . . This was no easy thing . First , I have a weird fear of the vertigo feeling that comes from being up high . I can 't stand on the edge of a balcony that is more than a few stories up . I hate and refuse to go on ferris wheels and roller coasters . Though , with trust , thru the years , I got on them with Jim . Still scared , but able to hold on to him . But that 's a different post . . Climbing the first ladder was okay because Jim kept a hand on me the whole time . Then there was the second roof to go up and that was a bit worse . I ended up shutting my eyes and keeping them closed most of the time ! He worked with me and with his voice helping , soothing me , and I got up there . Once we got up to the top I was okay . The rowhouses in our area all have flat roofs . I could stay in the middle and not have to look over the edge . It makes it easy to sit up there at night and watch the stars . We did this for 3 nights running . And it was beautiful . . There were many things that alone , I would not do , but with Jim , well , it seemed okay . He made it okay . With a hand to grab and him talking to me , I could almost sometimes handle it . Often I would get my muster up , get on the ride or such and then lose it half way through . This happened on a ride we went on that was set up like a ski lift ( those little chairs ) and you rode over the park and looked at the beautiful view . I can 't remember the park now , maybe Hershey , maybe one in NH . . Maybe Posted by " I miss you even more than I could have believed ; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal . " - - Vita Sackville - WestI am just the blog of quotes this week . This one was on my nieces Facebook page and I read it and felt it hit me deep inside . It is amazing how the power of just a few words can capture the feeling . A scene from one of my favorite books and authors " God is an iron , " he said . " Did you know that ? " He went on , " If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton , and a person who commits a felony is a felon , then God is an iron . " I have always appreciated , noticed and even chuckled at ironic situations . I find myself in one now . I agreed to move to baltimore on the promise that we would only be here for 5 years . Five years to renovate and relocate and rent the house out . Those five years were up in May 2007 and Jim got out , but I had to stay . I would have stayed here forever with no more whining if I only knew . Jim was ready to go , we had put in transfer applications at his job and things looked good . So maybe in 2010 ( 8 years later ) I can get out of here . I just want to have a place for the dogs to run around a bit like our old house in Boston . Grass would be nice . Another favorite quote , from the same author - Shared pain is lessened ; shared joy , increased - thus do we refute entropy . Writing and sharing of my pain has lessened it . Sharing the joy I have found in life since that tragic moment , increases the joy that life can give . Three and a half dozen cookies later . . . . . . I started with peanut butter Kiss cookies . I used both chocolate kisses and ' candy cane ' kisses . The chocolate held the kiss shape a lot better , the candy cane became a striped circle of chocolate and candy cane flavor . Not bad , in fact kind of a neat design . And yes , that is Mercury , patiently waiting , waiting , waiting for one to drop . He was out of luck . I then mixed some sugar cookie dough and tried the cookie press . I think the dough was a little soft . It didn 't respond well to the press for the first half of the making . I ended up having to press the dough onto the rack and then with a knife carefully slice it off the press . It worked to a degree . I also mixed some sugar cookie dough up and made two logs . One is a reddish / dark pink color and one is the plain . I am going to chill them and then roll them flat , put them on top of each other and then roll them up into a log and slice . The idea is spiral cookies . I hope it works . I can 't remember the exact sequence of what to do , I am running from memory of making them with my mom . Ah Mom . We always had logs of cookie dough in the fridge for fast slice and cooking . Thinking of this , I am realizing now , years later that she was probably doing this because the ' toll house cookie ' came out in the stores . She knew she could do the same thing cheaper and figured out a way . Or , maybe even an easier explanation . . . that is how she learned it from her Grandmother . All in all it was a fun morning . I am putting some laundry in and now going to sloth for an hour or two with the dogs on the couch . I picked up some lights to decorate the front window of the house . I decided to not go the traditional lights and found instead some really nice snowflake shaped lights . They are large enough to be seen as snowflakes and there are only nine of them so they won 't overwhelm the window . I am also going to cut out some snowflakes myself and put them on the glass . The lights went up with no problem but I can 't figure out how to hide the tape holding thePosted by This is probably a vent or maybe a pro / con post . I ordered a few things online this year for christmas . The first of the four orders came today . I am going to jump here to one of my favorite childrens books is one I found at a library my friend worked at . It is called Fortunately and it 's basically a good things / bad things happens to this boy on his adventure book . It makes for a fun way to deal with the curves that life sends you . For some reason I feel like I may have posted about this book before . Fortunately by Remy CharlipFortunately , Ned was invited to a surprise party . Unfortunately , the party was a thousand miles away . Fortunately , a friend loaned Ned an airplane . Unfortunately , the motor exploded . Fortunately , there was a parachute in the airplane . Unfortunately , there was a hole in the parachute . What else could go wrong as Ned tries to get to the party ? Readers will cheer as Ned 's luck turns from good to bad to good again , while clever illustrations tell the story of his wacky adventure and narrow escapes . So the book goes that way , my story goes this way - Fortunately I found online some gifts for family . Unfortunately I did have to pay for them . Fortunately , my order arrived very quickly . Unfortunately it was the wrong item . Fortunately I could reorder the right one . Unfortunately it would take a few more days to get here . Fortunately when I called Customer service they said , oh , we will credit your account and you can donate it to charity ( pretty cool ) and we stop there and we wait to see what happens when the other order arrives . Next - Fortunately I was able to find the stereo headphones I wanted . Unfortunately I got an email saying they took my order but now realize they are out of stock . Fortunately it is a gift for myself and I don 't have to reship it . Unfortunately though it means I may get it after christmas . Next - well we will see what happens next . . . . I can 't believe it but I am actually looking around the neighborhood and thinking of christmas lights this year . In thinking about it , I thought about the box of them in the basement . I don 't think I want to hang them . They were ' our ' lights and decorations . I sort of like the idea of getting my own , but then flip over right away and feel sad that I won 't use ' ours ' . The trick is also that Jim was the decoration guy . He hung the lights , put up the tree and all that . Me , I just will be happy with a table top tree and some lights in the windows . I don 't know what I will do yet . But if I do anything worth showing , I will post a pic here ! Just some more pics from my Thanksgiving day weekend . . . . . . This one is a friend of mine I never met in person till that weekend and we have been friends via online message boards for going on two years now . She lives not far from my bro and it was great to finally meet and hang out together . . Here is the Thanksgiving crew on Saturday before my plane was to leave . My older brother is on the far left , 4 years older than me . . My great nephew Jack at age 2 has renamed everyone in the family . Mostly because he can 't wrap his tongue around some sounds and spits out something close . Grandmom is Nona , Granddad ( my brother ) is Deedo , Great grandpap is Frufoo and so on . I became Gabby . Short for Great Aunt Betsy . This was not his creation , it was my brothers . Jackjack was happy to call me Besse . I think my brother wanted me to have a fun name . I don 't know when , but at some point I started to call him Jackjack and it has stuck with me . That may be Gabby 's name for her Great Nephew . . This is Jackjack at the Thanksgiving day Table . He was given a turkey leg and gnawed on it . He liked waving it around more than eating it . . . My favorite pic of the visit - Jackjack is a Thomas the train nut and they set up the trains for around the tree . My brother has a control that makes the train go and stop and the whistle blow . Jackjack is listening for the train . . . Here is Jackjack and Deedo walking back from the visit to the zoo and the festival of lights that was held there . Jackjack was able to tell us what almost every animal ' said ' and was especially good at elephants and penquins . . . Saturday morning I woke up cold and crying . I knew it was because I was missing Jim , I just wasn 't sure what set it off . It was my subconscious . In the excitement of Thanksgiving had forgotten that Saturday was the 29th . In fact , even as I was crying and not understanding why , I had forgotten the date . Of course , crying and not knowing why is not uncommon anymore . I usually figure it is the release of the stress of the holiday . I usually figure it is a general why ( missing Jim ) and not a specific that I can put a finger on . My sister in law gets lots of points from me for just coming out , helping me thru the meltdown by handing me tissues and rubbing my back a little . Support without saying the cliches . Saturday was November 29th and 18 months since Jim died . I write that and realize that I have come a long way from June 14th when I started this blog . The blog has helped me to stay a viable member of society by allowing me to release thoughts that would otherwise have been trapped . Allowing me to say Jim 's name , to write memories down and to talk about things that are past being talked about in the ' outside ' world . I feel awkward sometimes when doing something with a friend and think " Jim and I always . . . . fill in the blank " and then say it . There is sometimes a silence or it 's like I said nothing at all and sometimes an agreement . I have often thought but not said and just nodded to myself in my head . Here on the blog I can say it out loud . Well , write it out loud . And that helps . The world and my life have moved on , though I really didn 't want it to , I had no choice . Sunday I went to see a gorgeous movie . The film ' Australia ' . I went with two friends and that was fun . What a beautiful movie and Hugh Jackman who starred in it was awesome . Good looking and good acting . Then there was the movie . What a wonderful movie and it swept you up in the story . I was so into thru the whole three hours . Australia the movie reminded me of The Thorn Birds and of Gone with Wind and a little of any of the great sweeping western epics whPosted by Thanksgiving evening . Full of turkey . Full of family fun . Full of a lot of good thoughts . Just wanted to write this because my mind has been going most of the day at full speed . I am winding down now , but it is the kind of winding down where all of a sudden you are ' boom ' , dropping off to sleep . That is coming soon I know . I had a great day spending time with my brother and his family . My nieces are wonderful and I am wishing that I had been more in their lives before this . They have embraced me totally and it is really neat . Tonight as we were doing dishes my sister in law asked what I was doing for Christmas . That gave me a really good feeling . I was family . I write this because my brother has lived far away from me for many years . 20 or more . So we were not able to be a part of each others families lives and to get to know each other or watch neices grow up . It has been that way with all the siblings - not really close geographically , so not really close in family events - birthdays and holidays and such . It is nice to find after all these years that the tie is still there . Both my nieces took me in and talked to me , showed me around the house , let me hold the baby and let me help them make some of the dishes for tonights dinner . Friendly and outgoing , it made the day a good time . I think I hear some pecan pie calling my name . Thanksgiving . Again . Where did the year go . . I think I am saying that phrase at almost every major holiday . The days seem to whiz on by and suddenly we are at the end of the year again . Phew . . I hope a good holiday is found by all . Turkey day is my favorite day . I just love turkey , stuffing , mashed potatoes , peas and cranberry sauce . YUM ! ! . I have gone to many thanksgiving dinners and have cooked and hosted many over the years . My first one was the first year away from home and several of my friends got together - none of us could make it home , so we each brought a ' dish ' . I made the turkey . When I carved it , I realized that there was something inside . Yep , I cooked the neck and bag of stuff . I never had seen my mom actually take that stuff out . Oh well , it still tasted really good . . When we lived in Boston my Mom came to visit for Thanksgiving dinner . I will always remember that because it is the last time I saw my mom alive . It was also the visit that she told me she was so happy I married Jim and that he has been so good to me and for me over the years . She told me that he was her favorite spouse of one of her children . I know she loved it when he showed up to pick them up at the airport and had flowers for her ( I was at work and didnt know it ) . . Last year when I was at my sisters for Thanksgiving , I performed a ceremony of remembrance . I am visiting my brother this year and am not sure if I will be able to do this again . I will do it when I come home , maybe before Christmas , but not at my bro 's . It 's a comfort factor . . This is an exciting visit out to my brothers , it is a first time visit for me to his house so I will be on totally unfamiliar turf . Excited but a little nervous . So , as odd as it sounds , I am taking my own pillow ( the one with Jim 's shirt buttoned around it under the pillowcase ) . I smile because that is basically taking up most of the suitcase , so I had to pack less clothes . Not that I need a lot of clothes for 3 days , but I still found it amusing . Ah the little things in life . . So , on this note , I gPosted by Oh boy ! ! I went looking under my bed today . Looking for the winter clothes I had folded and put away last year . Well , see , since it was last year I couldn 't quite remember where I had put them . I think I used one of those vacuum air seal bags they show on tv and you can buy at Walmart . I just am not sure now where I put it . They weren 't under the bed like I thought , but I did find other stuff . 3 pairs of Jim 's shoes - very dusty and forgotten . I didn 't even realize they were under there . A pair of Taz head slippers . Again , Jim 's . Again , forgotten . Lots and lots of tissues , paper and a couple socks that had snuck under there and never got out . Dust bunnies where breeding like . . . well . . like rabbits . I didn 't find what I was looking for but I found other things . I am not sure what to do with the shoes . I guess , same as what I did with the others - salvation army . It seems the best thing . It is interesting because over the last 18 months , I have gotten Jim 's stuff in certain places where I know where they are . I have some tee shirts in one spot and dress shirts hanging in one area of the closet and I am not surprised when I see them . Follow me ? and then to have something pop up throws me off balance . Makes me sit back and go hunh . Makes me sit back and remember . I have to hit the basement tomorrow and check some areas there . That is more dust . Oh boy . The beginning of the Christmas holidays is closing in . I am feeling better this year at this time , then I was last year at this time . But my partner in this is missing . I am not sure if I wrote about it last year or not , but Jim was the spirit of Christmas . I mean , he would really get into decorating the tree and putting up lights and sending cards out and my ' feel ' to the holiday was me getting caught up in his happiness . I am going today to do some gift shopping for others and maybe being out and about will help . . These two pics were taken up north at my friends house in NH . Her two sons and our dog Gryphon were just chilling with Jim . It was sometime around Christmas or New Years I believe . The photos were taken with a 35mm film camera so the color is a bit off after all this time . But it makes it more fun . . " Our ability to love is our truest power , our greatest power as human beings . " - Paul Michael Glaser . A quote from one of my childhood heroes - Starsky . Yep of Starsky and Hutch , 1975 a couple of cute cops and a wicked cool car . I was a fan . I owned that sweater he wore , the sneakers he had on and even painted my bike red with a white stripe . I had a book plastered with photos and articles from Teen beat and other teen magazines . . The love he spoke about that he and his wife Elizabeth had was something very special . You could hear it in his voice . . He met her while driving down Santa Monica Boulevard in Hollywood . They smiled at each other , then Paul motioned for Elizabeth to pull over , flirted with her and then invited her out for Chinese food . Well as the story goes , they both knew that there was a connection . It was love . . He went on to star in Starsky and Hutch and they went on to get married . . In 1981 , Elizabeth contracted HIV through a blood transfusion while giving birth to the couple 's first child , Ariel , and unkowingly passed it on to her children thru breastfeeding . They didn 't find out about the virus until four years later , at which time both Ariel and son Jake ( born October 1984 ) were also found to be HIV positive . . Ariel Glaser died in August 1988 ; Elizabeth Glaser died in 1994 , after founding the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation in 1988 . . Paul Michael Glaser and his wife had a very special love for each other . . He writes about his grief . " I think it is important to acknowledge our powerlessness in our understanding of ' grieving ' , because while we grieve for the physical presence of those we have loved and lost , we are also grieving for our being powerless to prevent it . " . Powerless and frustrated are two feelings that I am familiar with . . I read an interview the other day from Rhonda Mac , comedian Bernie Mac 's wife . He died just recently and she talked about her grieving . She said one time she walked into their bedroom . " I could smell his cologne . I inhaled and I said , ' You 're here ' . I was turning aBetts4 i just woke up . its 6 15am . i can 't see the keyboard through the sleepy eyes . i had to write this down . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - That was written this morning . I woke from a dream and lay thinking about it for a couple seconds and realized I needed to write it down . It had very clear images and was in color and even good ' sound ' . I wrote it down but it was in some strange early morning not awake language so I am translating - I was in a car with my friend Cindy and an old old boss of mine ( of Jim and mine ) . We started out talking about Cindy 's cat ( cindy doesn 't own a cat ) and how Cindy 's cat was to be used to ' service ' another friends cat . Cindy wasn 't sure it could be done without some human being scratched . The old boss asked if the cat still had claws and I was sitting in the back seat and in my head ( in my head in my dream ) I envisioned Cindy pushing on the cats paw to extend the claws . She didn 't do that in the dream , I just imagined it . You with me so far ? Cindy said something about her cat not being the problem but the other cat , ' man he has some claws . ' And we all laughed . I stopped to think about how her male cat was going to service the other male cat and then in an instant the thought left me . The old boss then asked how I was doing and was I missing Jim a lot . I said yes of course , I miss his laughter . Then he said " oh well we didn 't know he laughed , we only knew him as a blood sucking leech , you knew him a lot better " ( yes a quote from a dream ) . Cindy and I both told the guy in loud voices for a car that Jim was always laughing . The guy then asked if I would give a 5 minute speech at a dinner in Jim 's honor . It was then that Cindy asked me if she should make this turn and I said yes and suddenly we were way off going the way home . I realized we were in the wrong part of town and having to double back to get to the house . I started to say this and point , and then woke up . All I could think of was what I wanted to say " I knew him as a man of laughter , so full of laughter . " blood sucking leech " . That 's a Posted by Something I didn 't realize till I saw this picture . And studied it a bit . . I was a bit selfish . Or maybe needy in a certain aspect . It came to me as I looked at this picture and where it was taken . I remember this picture because it was taken at our home in Boston , just before we went to the Halloween party in PA that was a yearly event . We didn 't always make it to the party , and we were in Boston this year , but it was a fun event my cousin threw and we tried to go as often as possible . I went this year without really knowing what my costume would be , just one of Batman 's villianess loves . I ended up being Poison Ivy , a redheaded arch villianess that shows up in one of the movies but in many of the comics . Jim had worked hard on the Batman outfit . The mask was not quite right and on my way home from work I found a rubber one based on the then new movie . I am glad I found the pics that have him in almost the same pose . That top one was , again , one that I hadn 't seen in years and had forgotten it existed . I really love looking at / sorting thru pics . It was perfect and he looked great . He had worked on getting the bat symbol correct and debated the points of having the oval around the bat or not and what material to make the cape out of . He put thought into it . And I think in the end , it showed it . So onto the part of my being selfish . The first pic was taken in my ' office ' in our house in Boston . A room that was totally ' me ' . See the dalmatians on the shelves - me . I am sitting here writing this from a room that is both ' office ' and library and closet area for me . Neither was really Jim 's space . Though his exercise equipment was there , and his comics are there , I took over this room . In a house with only 4 rooms and a small basement , I took one of the rooms and made it more mine than his . It was the same in our apartment before the townhouse . One room was a guest room / office / library . It was a place for me to put up posters and books . Most of them mine . To show it wasn 't all about me , in our townhouse we had 3 bedrooms - aPosted by Spent the night sorting out pictures . I decided to show some of Jim and his dogs , relaxing . Anytime Jim was on the couch , Mercury and Tigger were there with him . I think he is the reason they are now couch potatoes . Yes , they went on long long walks , but in the end , he would put a movie in and cuddle up with them . Sometimes if I moved quick , I could slide in next to him . Sometimes we would have a dog between us . Now I have carried on the tradition and will sit on the couch with a dog on either side . They don 't climb into my lap the way they did for Jim . . I just realized Jim is on the same couch thru all the pics . Um . Yep . It lasted a long time and did it 's duty . It has been replaced . By this nice white one - which is why the blue cover is there . . . . . . . . . Posted by While moving some files from a disc to my computer , I discovered some photos I had not seen in a long time / forgotten about . This is my new favorite of Jim . In his Bizarro Superman shirt , with the white flowers and the bright sunshine and that hint of a smile . At the dog park on a beautiful sunday afternoon . Posted by Jim in Motion . The following pics are from various events . Some were taken of Jim when he wasn 't expecting it so he wasn 't ' posing ' for them . He played Auctioneer for our cinema club and had a blast trying to get members to bid on various items . The next set were taken at a family reunion touch football game . Jim is there in the dark blue shirt with tan shorts . Trying to out run those two girls . A pass is being tossed his way , and my brother is yelling " go long ! " He is running for it . Caught and he slides down onto the ground . At our cinema club , this was taken before they knew it . This was taken when they knew it - and then retaken - thanks to Jim and that bunny ear thing he does . Some time I have to do a post filled with just Jim giving people bunny ears in the pics . There are a lot of shots like that . Posted by I am doing some more of that cleaning today . Well , actually I did the major stuff yesterday , today it is laundry and watching movies . Highlight of my day yesterday was freaking the man at the dump out . I tossed an excerise ellipictal trainer that Jim bought me 8 years ago for christmas . I actually picked it out and swore I would use it . Just like a little kid . I did for a bit but then he used it more and I sort of stopped . It sat in the room for the last 2 years not used by either of us because of a broken foot pedal . This was a stand on it and push the handles and step on the pedals to make it go dealie and without being able to step on the pedals it wasn 't much good . So , I struggled to get the heavy beast downstairs , I hauled it outside and bungie corded it into the trunk and took it to the dump . At the dump the guy looked at me and the bike and said " where is your help ? " . I looked back at him and said I have no help , it 's just me . " He said I had to throw it into the dumpster , I couldn 't just set it next to it . I don 't know why but that defeated me . I looked at him , started tearing up and said okay I will , and started out do just that . I was overwhelmingly tired all of a sudden . It was that ' you have to do it ' thought . I couldn 't come that far and not get it out of my car so I got out . Not knowing how I would do what he asked . He came around to the trunk and he grabbed one end of it and helped me . I had tears in my eyes and was wiping my sleeve with my shirt and all I could think of was that I came that far . Well , we got it up into the dumpster and it was mostly him doing it . I got in the car and drove off about 30 feet and parked and cried some more . Why ? I don 't know . I looked down at my filthy arm where something smeared on it , my very dirty fingernails and my red eyes . I just had to release the emotion of one , ' it was gone ' thought and two , sadness . When I thought about it later , I was reminded of when my brother came and helped me clear out some of the basement . Jim 's excerise stuff when then . And a few months Posted by I have talked of doing this for years . . . literally since we moved here back in 2002 . Something to make the house ' pop ' and stand out and look different than all the others on the street . All the other streets of the city . Well , the painting is done . I picked the color and the accent color . Here are some daily pics of the transformation . . At the start - . After one day - . Special look to the windows - . And completed - a wonderful finish to the coolest house on the block now ! Not a great picture , I may update it with one taken from a real camera and not just my cellphone camera . Posted by I just read on a good friends blog that today is the annual Diabetes blog day . . Jim had diabetes since he was 39 . When he was 38 he started to pee alot in the middle of the night , drink lots of water and look sort of pale . He also lost a lot of weight , but he thought that was because he was working out and such . It wasn 't . . He felt sick one night and we went to the ER . They took a glucose test and it came back at 700 . They said they didn 't know how he was alive . Anyway that was the start of the diabetes dance . . He lived with it , suffered with it , raged at it , submitted to it and never beat it . He took insulin shots and watched his diet and cheated on his diet . The diabetes was a good reason why he died . It effects different people different ways . Some lose feeling in toes and fingers and thus lose toes as our friend did and my father did . Others have problems in their heart and other major organs . As Jim did . . There are so many ways to assist diabetics now and new tcchnology is coming out everyday . The insulin pump is a great alternative to needles . A simple device that monitors levels as you go thru your day . Easier than a shot . Jim had to give himself shots several times a day . I never was able to do this for him . I guess if I had to I would have but it always gave me the jeebies . . I often tested my blood along side Jim 's and was able to learn that my sugar level is under control . I do know that in my family diabetes is not a worry , but blood pressure is . . Today is Diabetes Blog day . November 14th is World Diabetes Day . Information is sent out to all over the world in many formats . . . not just blogs . . http : / / www . worlddiabetesday . org / the - campaign / about - 0 . Their campaign this year is Children and Diabetes - No Child Should Die of Diabetes . . Here is a quote from their website - . Diabetes is a deadly disease . Each year , almost 4 million people die from diabetes - related causes . Children , particularly in countries where there is limited access to diabetes care and supplies , die young . . Diabetic Ketoacidosis ( DKA ) , a build - up ofPosted by One widow I met said that her life as like a purse turned upside down , its contents crashing to the ground , scattering and breaking all over . " That was my life . " Then she said " I 'm like , where do I start picking up pieces , and what do I do ? I had no idea what to do , it is difficult to talk to family and friends about my feelings . " Though they try to help her through the grieving process , she said they do not always understand . Me , I would liken it to a wall hanging . A big handmade one that has the thick threads and the wonderful twists and turns and colors in the weaving . The threads of life . With Jim and I supplying the threads and pattern . We were beating the twists and adding color each day . Our life together took us years to find and once together we weren 't letting anything stop the joining of our threads . I would say we found some knots along the way . We worked them out and continued on . We had splashes of fun and that was the color . Yes , a tapestry of our life . A beautiful work of two people in love and loving and as such laughing . It also was unfinished and suddenly stopped . Jim 's death was a cut across the weave and threads to left in shock and some tangled and others just never to be picked up again . Cut off straight across in the middle of the weaving and there are these threads hanging down , raw and rough and not knowing where to go . Those are me . Those threads are the rest of what was our life . Gone . Seeing the pieces on the other side of the loom of life and not able to reach them anymore . Dreams and goals and hopes . We were in the middle of the weaving . Who does that ? who ruins a beautiful thing , why ? Why ? No , those confused threads didn 't know how to start the weaving up again . Feeling like the weaver dropped it and left it on it 's own to start all over half way thru the beautiful work that was life . How to pick up the pieces ? Which ones to start with ? It was tough . It took a long time and yet it still feels like yesterday . Oh , the threads have started weaving themselves again , but it is slow and it huPosted by Wish me luck . Today at 4pm I am holding the first " young widows in baltimore " meeting . I was feeling depressed at my 2nd year demarc and tried to get into another grief group . All of them that I found were just not close by . So , I went to Meetups . com which is a very wide open website for people to create a group / club and others to search for what they may want / need . I found the cinema club I ( and Jim ) belonged to for 5 years there . At meetups . com I started one for Young Widows / widowers . I scheduled a meeting last month and was the only one there , but that was more a time and date issue . This month there are 4 yes 's to coming and 2 maybe 's . I am not sure exactly what we will talk about but I think it will be introductions and such . Next month I hope to be in a library or more private place than a restaurant . The idea is much like this forum . To let others that have lost spouses and partners to know they are not alone in the sea of family and friends that try to understand . Early after Jim 's death I attended a hospice based Young widwows grief group and it was 6 weeks . It helped immensely to be able to speak to someone who was young and had lost their partner suddenly and unexpectedly . I didn 't know where else to go for some help , it had been 3 months and I had other groups turning me away because " it was too soon " I was told by one grief group . I started this blog to get some of the hurt , anger , frustration and mostly to not lose memories that were very precious to me . I may not ever lose them , but I know with medication I am taking my memory is not what it used to be . One thing I found in that group was that no matter what problem I had come to face , it 's always better to have someone who has been through same thing and talk about feelings that will be genuinely understood . Some of the women had lost their husbands 3 or 4 years ago . But the group ended and the friendships we had promised each other sort of floundered because of other influences . What I would like to try and create with this meeting is a group of widowsPosted by As much as possible , I take pictures . I am sure you can tell from the blogs . I like to take pictures . However , I often wish I had a little camera in my head that would let me take a photo of what I am seeing and then think " wouldn 't that be a cool pic ! " . It usually is a something that changes so fast that I can 't whip the camera out . I want , well you know , a bionic camera eye . . I purchased a DSLR camera ( digital single lens reflex camera ) last year and have not used it to it 's potential . I am also experimenting with the capabilities of my new smartphone camera . So , one blog a week will be some photos that I have taken in that week , from either the DSLR or the G1 . Sometimes it will be what I call an ' artsy ' photo and sometimes just people in an unposed spur of the moment , true life shot . . To start the fun off I offer these from the DSLR - . Our neighborhood had a community garden this summer here a couple of the little helpers . They were very enthusiastic about having things grow . Planting some seeds and then watching it - as if the seed would sprout before their very eyes . . . I love tiger lilies . I love the bright vibrant color . . . Do have the Bulls or Frogs or Horses or some other animal sculpture that are decorated by various groups and placed all over your city ? I know they were big in the late 90 's . We have Fish here . This is the back end of the Fish sculpture down the street from me . I love the colors here . . . This is part of a mural that is near our city zoo . I love the eyes and the Crocodile smile that you can see here . Do you here the ticking inside ? ( think peter pan ) . . And these ' still lifes ' were taken with my new G1 camera . The camera on the smartphone is good in good lighting with a steady hand , but not so great in low light or just to point and shoot . Anyway , these were vegatables brought to the City food bank that I where I volunteer . As soon as I saw them the little camera in my head started clicking and I was glad that I at least had the camera in the phone . I found the lettuce to be ' crisp ' in the Posted by |
Category : No Reason Has anyone got some wet wipes ? When Steve and I first got together Ben and Brandon were 6 and 2 , respectively . They were sweet , cute little boys , full of love and innocence and that wonderful acceptance that most young children have for new adults . In the beginning , I 'd meet them on Fridays for dinner at Arby 's or McDonald 's and we 'd spend the evening together . Eventually , Steve and I decided to buy a house , where the boys would stay with us every other weekend . Now let me explain . I was never one of those girls who loved babies , who played with dolls , who wanted to be a mommy . I hadn 't planned on having children , and didn 't see myself as a " kid person . " Growing up I babysat maybe three times and really didn 't enjoy it - I just didn 't get kids , even when I was one myself . I had changed one wet diaper when my nephew was an infant - a diaper my sister had to put on again because I had gotten it backward . I had reached the age of 34 knowing absolutely nothing practical about how to care for children . I was about to get my first real lesson . The other thing I want to point out ( somewhat in my own defense ) is that most people get their children as babies . They 're small and helpless , and can 't move around or talk back . By the time they 're 2 and 6 , most parents have gotten a handle on what to do and not do , what to give them or not give them , and how to otherwise not make a complete nitwit of themselves . In my case , however , we were gearing up for some serious nitwittery . The first weekend the boys stayed with us , Steve had an emergency at work that required him to go back into the office after the boys went to bed Friday night . He explained this to Ben , who was ( understandably ) upset his father wouldn 't be there on his first night in a new house . After Steve put them to bed and left , Ben began to wail for his father . I didn 't know what to do . Ignore him ? Go up and comfort him ? Go up and cry with him ? Stay downstairs and cry by myself ? About that time , Brandon began crying as well and I started to panic . I went with what I know best . I stood at the bottom of the stairs and said firmly , " Ben , your father isn 't here . He had to go to work . Now go to sleep . " Miraculously , the crying stopped . O . k . , maybe this wasn 't going to be so bad . I sat downstairs for a while watching television , and then went upstairs to go to bed . I checked on the quiet , evenly breathing forms , and went to bed satisfied that all was well . That lasted about two hours . Shortly after 2 a . m . I heard a tremendous thump . I started awake , heart pounding , threw on my robe and raced across the hall to find Ben sitting on the floor looking confused . Brandon was still asleep . " Are you o . k . ? " I whispered . He just looked at me with a complete lack of comprehension , got into bed and fell almost immediately back to sleep . I went back to my bed amped up and wondering what in the hell had just happened . I lay down on top of the bed in my robe ; listening intently , ready to spring into action if needed . Every sound , every twitch made me sit up in alarm . Were they o . k . ? Did one of them fall on their head ? Were they still breathing ? Holy shit ; do I remember how to do CPR ? I dozed fitfully between visions of having to explain why there was a flat spot on Ben 's head , and how Brandon managed to crawl over his bed rail to play with matches . Finally , at about 6 : 00 a . m . Steve returned , exhausted . He climbed into bed , and I was able to crawl back under the covers and get some real sleep . That lasted about an hour until the boys were up . I could hear what sounded like reasonable , normal kid noises , and crept across the hall to get them so their father could sleep . I got them downstairs without incident , and was toasting up some frozen waffles while they waited at the kitchen table . Honestly , Eggos , couldn 't be easier . I set down their plates and Ben picked up his fork and started to dig in . I looked at Brandon , who was looking at me . What was he waiting for ? Oh , right , he 's probably too little to pour his own syrup . Does he even like syrup ? " Yes , " he said , confidently pouring syrup on his own waffle . O . k . no problem , I 've got this . It 's not like you let a two - year old pour his own syrup , right ? I took the Mrs . Butterworth 's and carefully poured some on Brandon 's waffle , picked up his fork , cut it into pieces , put the fork on his plate for him , and sat back smiling . Until I realized he couldn 't really eat with a full - size fork . HE WAS TWO . He began to pick up the waffle pieces and lick off the syrup . He looked up at me in surprise and delight , and those sticky fingers began going on his face , in his hair , on the table - pretty much everywhere , dragging long , syrupy strings behind them . I turned to Ben and asked what should have been my first question . " Has he ever had syrup before ? " " You don 't think so ? But you said he liked syrup ! " I could hear the pleading tone in my voice , wondering what in the hell Steve would say when he saw the stiff peaks beginning to form on Brandon 's head . O . k . , I thought , don 't panic , this is not a problem . I just need to be a bit more specific in what I 'm asking . Not if he likes syrup , but if he 's ever had syrup . O . k . , I can learn from that one . I turned my attention back to Ben who was starting to get restless . " Uh , I don 't know when your dad is getting up , honey . He was out very late working and didn 't get home until about two hours ago . We need to let him sleep a little bit , o . k . ? " He didn 't look convinced . " Why don 't you go in the playroom and play ? " I had set aside a large bedroom downstairs for the boys , designated as the playroom . I figured this would keep the toys and clutter out of the family room , and give me some " adult " space in the house . I had planned on putting in a T . V . at some point , but hadn 't gotten to it yet . Come to think of it , there were quite a few things I was planning on putting in there , but hadn 't gotten to yet . So I had pretty much sent a six - year old to an empty room with a few toys to entertain himself for , what , like five or six hours ? " Will you play with me ? " I just looked at him . Play ? Play what ? " Uh , o . k . , maybe in a minute , I need to get Brandon cleaned up , o . k . ? " To be honest , I don 't remember how the rest of the weekend went , but I know it was long . Really , really long - for all of us . At about 10 : 00 that morning , I decided Steve had had enough sleep ( I mean , come on , four hours ) and I went and told him he had to get up . Now . We didn 't have all that many hours before he had to go back to work . That night , he put the boys to bed and returned to the office . When he had to leave for work on Sunday afternoon , I was the only one who wasn 't crying . I think I was just on autopilot at that point and knew someone had to hold it together . That 's kind of my groove , so I step into it pretty naturally . Ben and Brandon were in tears , and Steve , exhausted , began to cry . Being the pragmatist I am , I shoved him out the front door and said , " See you later . " Again , I couldn 't tell you what happened next , or how I kept the kids occupied but apparently I managed . Of course we all survived that first weekend , and I 've learned a thing or two since . Now 25 and 21 , the boys are capable of taking care of themselves . There are no more baths to give , diapers to change , behinds to wipe , tears to soothe … well , you get the idea . I learned how to feed them , clothe them and put them to bed . I even cleaned vomit out of shoelaces and changed a dirty diaper whose contents seemed to have made their way up to the nape of Brandon 's neck . We all ended up being comfortable with my parenting skills , and hey , they made it to adulthood so I 'm declaring success . It is with gratitude that I think of their father and mother , both of whom generously supported me over the years as I learned the lessons of parenting , and who did all the real work and heavy lifting . And it is with awe and appreciation that I tip my hat to parents everywhere . You need strength , stamina and courage to make it through . And wet wipes . A shit - ton of wet wipes . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on February 7 , 2016February 29 , 2016Categories No Reason , UncategorizedTags children , humor , inspiration , kids , memoir , parenting , step - parent1 Comment on Has anyone got some wet wipes ? Welcome to the Cat Side Given that my reputation as a cat person , crazy cat lady , kitty mommis , etc . has been firmly established , it was funny to look back at the below , which I wrote many years ( and many cats ) ago . Things certainly do change - and yes , you CAN overcome your allergies ! Have you ever noticed that people seem to classify themselves as " cat people " or " dog people ? " I 've always liked to think of myself as an animal lover in general , with a heart big enough to accommodate both . However , the recent ( guilt - induced ) acquisition of an over - the - hill calico has led to a shattering discovery . I am a die - hard dog person . It 's not that I don 't like the cat , we just can 't seem to reach a common ground of understanding : I don 't know why she won 't try to make me happy , and she doesn 't know why I won 't try to make her happy . With every dog I 've ever had , it only took a firm " NO " to get my point across . With the cat , the word NO seems to be a cue to raise her tail , point her derriere in my general direction , and walk off as slowly as possible while still maintaining movement . Maybe it 's just a contest of wills . For instance , I 'm determined she won 't scratch on the couch , and she 's determined she will . The really irritating part is that the minute I spot her doing it she looks over her shoulder , thinks " shit , the bitch is here , " and runs like mad . Leading me to believe she does know this behavior does not make me happy . I would think the resulting chase around the house followed by a quick swat ( and I 'm not saying who swats whom ) confirms it . ( Even as I write this she 's eyeing me , flexing her claws , and waiting for me to leave the house . ) If I could just understand why she purrs happily while I rub her tummy , then in a matter of seconds hisses , shreds my hand and disappears under the couch . Or feigns deafness when I want her to sit in my lap , only to jump on me the minute she sees my thigh muscles flex , indicating I 'm about to get up . Or why she won 't eat unless the food is piled up just right in the middle of the dish . Most of all , I 'm really baffled as to why , when I 'm pointing at a piece of food on the carpet , her eyes are glued to my finger . But then there are the moments she comes up to me , purrs , and rubs her little face against mine . Amid the wheezing , hacking allergy attack that follows , I think she might be worth the trouble . But I 'm not romanticizing this relationship . I know that if the house ever burns down , she won 't meow to wake me , or drag me from the burning building . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on January 31 , 2016February 29 , 2016Categories No Reason , UncategorizedTags cats , creative writing , humor , memoirLeave a comment on Welcome to the Cat Side The Dolphin Experience This short story is based on an actual experience I had when I lived in Florida . I went to Key Largo to swim with dolphins ( I did my research and picked a place that didn 't seem to be just making money off of them - the part about it being a research facility and the dolphins being able to swim out to the open ocean is true ) . I did make it back to the platform and did ask about the " handshake , " and yes , the dolphin was female . What I didn 't do was get back in the water , although the dolphin spent the rest of the time inviting me to come play ( see photo ) . Honestly , it was a lot more intimidating that I had realized . And I am , basically ( I think we 've pretty much established this ) , as cowardly as a bunny in tharn . Marc just sighed and kept his eyes on the road . " Diane , I 'm really glad you 're excited about this , but please , be patient ! We 've still got about an hour and a half before we get to the motel , and we won 't be swimming until ten tomorrow morning . " Diane looked out the window and tried to calm down , but she couldn 't contain her excitement . " Marc , I can 't believe I 'm going to swim with dolphins ! This is the best birthday present I 've ever had . " She was quiet for a moment , and then laughed and told him , " I loved them so much when I was a kid , I used to beg my mom to buy one for our swimming pool . " Diane laughed . " They won 't attack us . They 're friendly , intelligent and playful . If a dolphin acted in a violent manner , I 'm sure it would only be to protect itself . Or maybe to establish territory during courtship or something . " " O . k . , but what if they accidentally hold me under the water ? " Marc looked quickly at Diane , but she didn 't laugh this time . She smiled and squeezed his hand . " Honey , they know we need the air to breathe . Just like they do . In fact , dolphins have been known to save drowning people . They 're really remarkable . " Diane thought about it for moment before answering . " No , not really . I 'm a good swimmer , and I 've never heard any stories about dolphins being dangerous . I think it 's going to be an incredible experience . " Marc 's silence told Diane how uncomfortable he really was with the idea of their upcoming adventure . She knew he was worried about his ability in the water . The brochure they had received from The Dolphin Experience recommended that each participant be an excellent swimmer . Although Diane was quite confident of her abilities , Marc hadn 't had the advantage of growing up with a swimming pool in his backyard . He was worried that his swimming skills might not be adequate enough to keep him out of trouble . Diane spent the next hour trying to reassure Marc . When that didn 't work she simply let her enthusiasm bubble over , hoping it would be contagious . Despite her efforts , by the time they pulled into the parking lot of their Key Largo motel he was still uneasy about the swim . While they talked about the possibility of extending their trip so they could visit Key West , a young man and woman were seated at the table next to them , their baby in a highchair next to his mother . The little boy had a round , chubby face , big dark eyes and long curly eyelashes . Diane felt the inevitable tug at her heart that was equal parts pleasure and pain . Marc looked over and smiled . " He sure is . " When he saw her expression go from one of joy to sadness , he reached over and took her hand . " Diane , I know it 's hard , but let 's not think about sad things right now . We 're here to celebrate your birthday . I know it 's been hard these last two year , but the doctor said there 's no reason not to be optimistic . When the time is right , it 'll happen . " " I know . " Diane looked down and folded her hands in her lap . " I just wish the time was right - right now . " She looked up at Marc and could see the disappointment in his eyes . She felt guilty , realizing this was supposed to be her wonderful birthday trip . " I 'm sorry I 'm spoiling our lovely evening . I 'm just going to concentrate on swimming with the dolphins . Unless you 'd rather talk about something else ? " Marc said , " Oh no , of course not , " and reached for his water glass , his hand shaking in mock terror . Diane laughed . " My adventurous husband ! " That night as she lay in bed trying to sleep , Diane thought about what a wonderful man she had married . Ever since he had been transferred to Florida , Marc had been trying to find ways to help her adjust to their new home . When he had heard about a place in Key Largo - The Dolphin Experience - where you could pay to swim with dolphins , he immediately wrote to them for a brochure . She had been excited about the idea , but felt the cost was somewhat prohibitive . In order to override her objections , he had waited until her birthday and surprised her with two tickets . The memory of opening her birthday card and finding the tickets inside made her smile into the darkness . So far , this trip had been wonderful . Until dinner . The memory of the adorable baby in the restaurant stubbornly refused to give her any peace , and her smile faded . She knew Marc wanted a baby as badly as she did , but never said anything because he didn 't want to hurt her . She began tossing and turning in the strange bed and Marc stirred in his sleep . She didn 't want to wake him , although if he asked why she wasn 't sleeping she could claim she was too excited to sleep . She rolled over . If only she could get pregnant ! But she knew the more she worried , and the higher her stress level , the less it was that things would happen . She rolled over again . This just wasn 't helping . She tried some deep breathing exercises to relax . The breathing , in addition to the long day in the car , finally took its toll and she drifted into an uneasy slumber . In the morning , after Marc and Diane ate breakfast , they headed out to where the swim would take place . Marc slowed the car at a gravel lot by the side of the road and double - checked the address . He turned and drove slowly into the parking lot . Diane was the first to speak . They parked in front of a small yard enclosed by a chain link fence . Through the fence they could see several small cement tanks filled with murky seawater . A fin occasionally broke the surface . They seemed so small ! And there was only a tiny floating platform in the middle of each tank . Although Diane was confident of her swimming abilities , it unnerved her a little that the tank had sheer concrete sides , far too tall to climb out of , or hold onto . Marc was looking at her , and she forced a smile . " Oh yes , this just wasn 't what I expected . But I 'm sure it 's going to be wonderful . " He smiled . " Yeah ? Me too . " Diane raised an eyebrow at his sudden change of heart . " Anyway , " he continued , " you need to go over there and sign a release form . I 've already signed mine , absolving The Dolphin Experience from all blame in case of any ' unforeseeable circumstances ' . " She walked over to the booth and smiled at the woman . She read the consent form quickly , but paused when she reached the bottom . Frowning , she looked up . The woman answered without looking up from her paperwork . " Our insurance won 't cover us if a pregnant woman gets in the water . " When Diane didn 't respond the woman looked at her . " Why ? You 're not , are you ? " " Good . Well , the first order of business is a ninety minute lecture about the dolphins , how to swim with them , and what to expect . After that , we get a half hour in the water with them . Here . " He handed her a pair of swim fins , and a mask and snorkel . They walked over to a group of picnic benches where a dozen or so people were already seated . Diane found an empty spot on a bench , and Marc sat next to her . A young blonde man walked over to the group , and dropped his clipboard and pencil on the table . Diane looked over at Marc . He was hunched over the table , and his unsmiling gaze was fixed on the their young lecturer . Diane hoped whatever Dave had to say would make Marc as eager to get into the water as she was . " The first thing we want you to know , " Dave said , looking around at all the faces , " is that the dolphins are not here to swim with you . They 're here for us to study . Those tanks of water are twelve feet deep , and there 's a small passage at the bottom of each one . If a dolphin decides not to swim with you , it 'll swim into the adjoining tank . And if they really don 't feel like hanging around the far tank has a tunnel that goes out into the open ocean . He paused a moment and looked around , " They 're not captive here , and they don 't do tricks . " Marc leaned over and whispered , " There may be hope . " Diane rolled her eyes and whispered back , " I 'm glad they 're not forced to swim with us and can head out to the ocean if they want . " She paused , " But I hope they don 't ! " She smiled . " The next thing you should be aware of , " Dave continued , " is that the dolphins view you as toys . So if you 're interesting and fun , they 'll want to spend time playing with you . If you 're not , chances are they won 't interact with you at all . " Diane 's attention began to wander , and she found herself looking at the other members of the group . There were an equal mix of women and men , mostly young , and one older woman . The older woman looked over at Diane and smiled happily . Diane smiled back . " There are a few games the dolphins will play with you . " Here Dave grinned . " They basically consist of the dolphins trying to scare you with their teeth . " " They won 't bite you , but they may come up to your face and open up their mouths to show you all those sharp teeth . They 've done this before , and they know it gets a reaction . You get scared , and they swim off chuckling . " Dave waited a moment before continuing . " They also may try to taste you . I know it sounds odd , but you won 't even know they 're doing it . They 'll just run their mouths up and down one of your legs . " A few people in the group exchanged glances . Some of them began to look uneasy , particularly Marc . However , at Dave 's next comment Marc visibly relaxed . " Really , you don 't need to worry , because chances are the dolphins won 't come near you . More often than not they decide they don 't feel like playing . So don 't be too disappointed if you don 't have a close encounter today . " Diane wasn 't disappointed . She was determined to interact with the dolphins . She hadn 't come all the way here just to swim around in a tank by herself ! The older woman must have felt the same way , because she blurted out , " Well , what can I do to make sure they want to play with me ? " Dave nodded . " That 's a good question . First of all , you need to look like a dolphin . The best way to swim is with your hands locked behind your back . They don 't like it when they see your arms moving . It frightens them . So does treading and splashing . And once you 've frightened them , they probably won 't come near you . " Dave turned to him . " They won 't do that . They may try to keep you from getting out of the water if they 're having a good time with you . They 'll block your progress to the platform . In that case , you need to swim in a corkscrew fashion . Do one freehand stroke with your right arm , turn in the water and do a backstroke with your left . " Marc still didn 't look very happy , but Dave continued talking . " In each tank are two dolphins , usually a male and a female . When you first get in the water , they 'll know all about you . Using their echolocation system they can monitor your heart rate , your blood pressure , and the condition of all your internal organs . It 's like seeing an x - ray of you . " " The last thing I 'll tell you before I answer any final questions is that dolphins are also amazing because of their mating habits . Basically they have no mating season . Like human beings , dolphins mate whenever they feel the urge . To them , it 's a gesture of friendship . So if a male dolphin feels friendly toward you , he may show an attraction for your knees . " While everyone else laughed , Diane raised her hand . " Is this an aggressive sort of attraction ? " She didn 't want to sound silly , but she knew animals could become very aggressive when their sexual drive was involved . She didn 't want to get in the way of a male dolphin who was headed for his mate . " Oh no , " Dave said , " it 's a very social behavior for them . Basically it 's just their way of shaking hands . The reason they go for your knees is because if you were a dolphin , and your feet were your tail , your knees would be reproductive organs . But really , it 's nothing to worry about . They 're not aggressive . " After that Dave answered a few more questions , then broke the large group into smaller groups of three . The older woman was matched up with Diane and Marc . As they walked toward their assigned tank , the older woman turned to them . " Hi , my name is Grace . Aren 't you just thrilled to be here ? This is like a dream come true for me ! " Diane donned her fins , mask and snorkel and looked at Marc . " Here I go ! " When she finally eased herself into the water , she felt a thrill of excitement . Locking her hands behind her back , Diane headed out into the middle of the tank . The water was very murky , and it was a little spooky not being able to see more than a few feet in front of her . She felt something brush her shins , and for a moment felt a tremor of fear . She took a deep breath through her snorkel and reassured herself - after all , there were only dolphins in the tank . She felt a presence at her side , and turned her head to look to the right . A happy aquatic face was beaming at her . Diane was awestruck , and gasped in delight . Unfortunately , because her head was turned her snorkel had dipped into the tank and she sucked in a lung full of salt water instead of air . Hacking and treading , Diane 's head broke the surface of the water . " Drat ! " She was sure the dolphins would be scared away by her noise and clumsy treading . She decided to head back to the platform and recover her composure . As she began to swim back she suddenly saw the dolphin directly in front of her . She stopped short and began treading , wondering if it wanted to play . The large animal floated patiently in front of her without moving . My gosh , she thought , they are big ! As she tried to swim forward , the dolphin deliberately blocked her progress . Diane was afraid for a moment . Why was this dolphin trying to keep her from getting out of the water ? Diane began coughing again , and realized she needed to get back to the platform . She was getting tired . She tried swimming forward , but again the dolphin blocked her progress . It obviously wasn 't trying to play with her . She suddenly sympathized with Marc 's fears , and wondered if this dolphin was going to become aggressive . Remembering Dave 's lecture , she swam arm over arm , alternating a freestyle stroke with a backstroke in a corkscrew fashion until she reached the platform . Diane looked up at him , puzzled . " Well , to tell you the truth , that dolphin kind of makes me nervous . It didn 't seem to want to play , but it wasn 't letting me out of the water either . Was it trying to , you know , shake hands ? " Diane blushed as she asked , but forced herself to look Dave in the eye . He didn 't laugh . In fact , he looked very serious . " No , that 's Sandy , the female dolphin . Please , could you just get back in the water ? You don 't have to swim or anything , just float around . " The dolphin that had been swimming with Diane rose halfway out of the water in front of her , almost as if beckoning her back in . Grace swam over and said , " Look , you 're getting a formal invitation . Come on back in . " Marc , who had been floating around near the platform , wasn 't happy at all . " I don 't know , that thing tried to keep my wife from getting out of the water . It doesn 't seem safe for her to get back in . " Dave sighed and turned to Marc . " I promise you , nothing will happen . We 'll monitor the situation very carefully . It 's just that this is a very unusual behavior , and we 'd like the opportunity to study it . " Diane looked at Marc , then at Dave . The dolphin rose out of the water again , and when Diane reached forward to touch her nose , Sandy rose up and bumped Diane 's hand . Diane looked over at Grace , who was in the water playing with the male dolphin . The older woman was having the time of her life . Well , Diane thought , I 've got my breath back , and this is the chance of a lifetime . I 'm not going to spend it sitting here on this platform . She smiled at Marc . " Go on now , keep swimming . They don 't seem to want to play with you anyway . " He looked at her for a moment , then stuck his head in the water and began floating . Diane slid gently into the water , and placed her head down so she could breathe easily through her snorkel . She didn 't swim or tread , she just floated . She was aware that the dolphin was right beside her , and when it nudged her it was so gentle she just moved slightly in the water . Diane propelled herself forward a little , in the direction the dolphin seemed to want her to go . Finally , she was in a corner of the tank floating on her stomach and breathing through her snorkel , and the dolphin simply hovered near her . At one point Grace tried to swim over , but the dolphin gently kept Grace away from the corner . The male dolphin didn 't even attempt to come close , and Marc stayed where he was , apparently happy the dolphins were keeping their distance . Diane tried to swim out of the corner a few times , but Sandy gently herded her back in . Diane reached out to stroke the smooth skin that covered the wall of solid muscle . It felt like a wet inner tube . As Diane floated on the water , Sandy turned and looked directly into Diane 's eyes with one of hers . She made small clicking and whistling noises , and Diane desperately wished she knew what the dolphin was saying to her . She made some strange noises through her snorkel , and hoped the dolphin knew she wanted to be friends . She was still a little nervous , but tried to relax and keep her breathing normal , so the dolphin wouldn 't detect any rise in her heartbeat or breath rate . Just as she was beginning to feel a connection with Sandy , and completely comfortable with her , she could hear someone calling her name . She pulled her head out of the water and began treading . It was Dave . Again , Sandy didn 't want Diane to leave the water , so she had to corkscrew to get back to the platform . As she was drying herself off she looked down into the tank . Sandy had raised her head out of the water , and was looking directly at Diane . The dolphin made a few clicking noises , and seemed to nod her head . " Bye Sandy . " Diane had a strange feeling that the dolphin was trying to tell her something very important , and Diane just couldn 't understand what it was . She looked at Sandy for a long moment , then joined Marc and Dave by the benches . Dave was obviously excited . " We really should be mad at you , but that was great ! We 've never had a chance to see that behavior before . " He looked down at the notes on his clipboard . " And we monitored you so closely , there couldn 't have been a problem . " He looked up again and waved the piece of paper he was holding . " And you did sign the consent form stating you weren 't pregnant . " At this point Diane interrupted . " Pregnant ? But I 'm not pregnant . " She looked at Marc who shrugged and said , " I know . I tried to tell them . " Diane was hurt by the remark , but replied calmly , " Of course I 'm sure . Believe me , if I were pregnant , I 'd know it . There is just no way I 'm pregnant . " Dave didn 't look convinced . " Well , Sandy sure thinks you 're pregnant . She was acting as your midwife . That 's why she separated you from the others . The females do that for each other . One dolphin stays with the pregnant female and takes care of her for the entire pregnancy , and then helps with the birth . " Diane was dumbfounded . " Well , I 'm sorry , I don 't know what she thought , but I 'm definitely not pregnant . " She could hear the edge in her voice , and felt herself starting to fight back tears . She took a deep breath and reminded herself this wasn 't Dave 's fault , and they said they hadn 't seen this behavior before , so it was just some kind of mix - up . They spent a few more minutes talking with Dave , and then she and Marc gathered up their belongings and got back in the car . Diane told Marc she didn 't feel like seeing Key West , and just wanted to go home . Although she was sure Marc knew how upset she was over Dave 's insistence that she was pregnant , she tried several times to reassure him that she was happy they had come , and that she had loved swimming with Sandy but was just tired and wanted to see Key West another time . Inside , she was wondering how an experience could be so wonderful and so miserable all at the same time . As the weeks went by , Diane 's lethargy continued . Eager to lift her spirits Marc began surprising her with little presents , making her feel all the guiltier for her inability to regain her usual bubbly mood . He also tried to take her out for dinner at new and interesting places , which she refused . Because he was so worried about her she tried desperately to be happy , but she just felt worn out . When Marc walked through the front door , Diane was on the phone . He heard her say , " Yes , yes , I know , I couldn 't believe it either . I just thought you 'd like to know . Thank you ; me too . O . k . , bye . " " I wanted to tell him . . . " Diane paused , looking at Marc with shining eyes . She giggled . " I wanted to tell him , Sandy was right . " She laughed out loud . Marc looked blank for a moment , and then his eyes opened wide . " The dolphin ? You mean the one that . . . you mean you . . . " When she nodded , he let out a whoop and lifted her off her feet , spinning her around . When he set her down she was laughing breathlessly . " Can you believe it ? I was only two weeks pregnant and that dolphin knew . " Diane looked at Marc and smiled . " I knew she was trying to tell me something , I just didn 't know what it was ! " She lifted her chin and asked Marc , " So what do you think of the dolphins now ? " Marc just shook his head in wonder . " I think they 're amazing . " He gave her a big hug . " I think you 're amazing . And you know what else I think ? " It seemed like a good idea at the time - the seas were relatively calm and the wind seemed favorable . I came aboard to swab the decks and I worked hard ; I finally made my way up to deck hand . Of course there were times we all thought the captain was a little off - balance , but the ship was still afloat so no one said too much . It was a bit strange to be on a steamship in the age of technology , but you don 't fix what 's not broken , and after all we were chugging along and keeping up . We often saw wreckage from the high tech - ships that weren 't as sea - worthy as everyone thought . It wasn 't pretty . Occasionally we could pick up a stray crew member here or there , but let 's face it , you can only carry so many people on board . The real danger was running out of steam . Or , more precisely , coal . In case that ever happened someone had to know how to sail . We had a plan - you know , like a backup plan - to ensure that if we ever ran out of coal , we 'd still be able to navigate and move in the water by using the sails we had stored below decks . At least until we got more coal . There was a team of people assigned to the care and maintenance of the sails , to make sure they were always in top working order . It didn 't matter that we 'd never actually tested the sails - we were confident they 'd work , and the fact we had a backup plan was really the point anyway . So it seemed like a good thing when I was able to move into a position on the wind team . We would learn about the elements , check what was going on around us , and make sure that plans were in place in case we ever needed to unfurl our sails . It was theoretical work for the most part , but that 's always been a plus for me . I mean how can your theory ever be wrong if you never have to put it to the test ? You can be completely unskilled and have no idea what you 're talking about , but still be considered a genius . I just had to pray that we 'd never run out of coal . I was feeling pretty good about my new job when I was invited to a meeting . The Captain 's Third - in - Command , right - hand - man 's best girl Barb wanted to meet with me one - on - one . This was a big deal , and I needed to be on my game . In the meeting invite I was informed that it had been decided I was the perfect person to implement our new Cat 's Meow Strategy for wind detection . My guess was this new strategy had to do with the fact that we had no vet on board and the two cats we brought with us to control mice turned out to be a male and a female . It 's really hard to tell with a cat until one of them is pregnant . So we now had a lot of cats and I figured someone was trying to keep it from looking like an accident . Which is easy if you just make it a strategy . I mean , what else can you do ? You can 't start heaving cats overboard willy - nilly . You just look like a bad guy and the press has a field day . We had to find a purpose for the cats . Although I was still fairly new to the concepts of wind direction , I felt confident we would fare just fine if we ran out of coal . If nothing else I could just put my finger in my mouth , hold it up , and figure out which side got cold first . That would be the wind direction . That and a basic compass were all I needed . And if the sails failed to perform that really wasn 't my problem . All the same , I was feeling just a little anxious when I got to the meeting room . Barb came in and started talking before she sat down . " I 'm glad you were able to meet today . This project is of the utmost importance and we have a very short time frame to get it done . In fact , this has to be up and running within a week . " " Really ? " I ask , " Why ? At the last check we had plenty of coal , so there 's no reason to think that we 'll be needing to use our sails anytime soon . " She looks pleased . I assume it 's because I 've shown an ability for following a line of reasoning . " Great question . There 's a deadline for next week because that 's when I said we could get this done . " " Well , let 's just get started and I 'm sure this will make more sense once we get into it . " She settles into the chair across from me , folds her hands , places her arms on the table and leans forward . Her eyes are serious . " You know about the cats . " It 's not really a question , more of a statement , but she is obviously waiting for a response . I want to make up for my earlier failings , so I 'm eager to show off what I do know . " Yes , I know that we 've really got more cats than we need . Of course there really isn 't an offboarding strategy this far out to sea , so if we want to maximize cost effectiveness we need to ensure we 're leveraging all of our resources in the most appropriate manner possible . " I am rewarded with a beaming smile . " Exactly . And that 's just what this project will do . I have every confidence you 'll be able to have this up and running by the deadline . " I don 't share her confidence , but I 'm not bringing up the arbitrary deadline again . I just nod so she can continue . " We 've decided that the best way to utilize the cats is to have them help predict future wind direction . Using the cats , you 'll check the wind direction each day at 2 - hour intervals , and then record the results . You 'll need to graph the wind direction and be able to make predictions based on statistical data . You 'll want to determine if the height of the water has any impact , and you 'll need to ensure that the sails are in operable condition . " Now my head is reeling . Although my finger and a compass seem unbelievably unsophisticated , I know they 'll work . I 'm not bringing it up . Instead I try to think this through , integrate the knowledge I have of the other working areas . All I can manage is , " But , I don 't work with the sails . The people who work with the sails are all in an upper echelon of the ship 's hierarchy . They only talk to me when they 're demonstrating that we don 't really have a hierarchy . " She frowns and I realize I shouldn 't have said that to her . Now she 'll probably wonder who I 'm talking to and what they 're saying . Fortunately she doesn 't go after that tangent - probably one of the reasons she 's in her current position . She simply says , " Well , you 'll need to tell them what information they need to provide you . You need to measure sail readiness and include that in your graph . " I 'm starting to feel like I 'm not a problem solver . " O . k . , I guess I 'm just a little confused as to how I 'm going to do that . The sails are kept below in a restricted area I don 't have access to , and anyway the sail readiness team runs regular testing to ensure the sails are wind worthy . Can 't I just use the work they 've done ? " She is starting to look a little strained . I know she 's way ahead of me here and I 'm just not keeping up . I 'm really trying , but I 'm just not seeing the value add . " Don 't worry about access to the sails . I 've got a meeting scheduled with the sail master and I 'm just going to tell him he 's giving you access . Just trust me on this and don 't worry about that part . " I nod , thinking it 's not going to be that simple , and still not understanding why I can 't just use their data , but I 'm going with it and assuming it will all start to make sense . Eventually . And hopefully before the deadline . " So once you 've herded the cats it 's a simple matter of gathering the data . I would recommend you start individually . Take a cat to the bow and wait for it to meow . Then capture the meow data on the matrix . Make sure you get a good sample , and then analyze the meow data with the other data , and prepare your findings for the meeting . I 'll need to see your first draft with enough time to make changes before I present . Is two days from now fair ? " " O . k . , " I 'm not feeling confident at all . But I 'm going to make this work . It doesn 't matter what they ask , I 'm going to make this work . She nods , once , briskly . " The cat will meow and then you 'll record what direction the wind is blowing . Eventually we 'll be able to predict wind direction by the cat 's meow . " This is said perfectly reasonably , perfectly calmly . It simply makes no sense to me whatsoever and there 's no way I 'm going to be able to do this . I need to signal my understanding while clarifying what I 'm supposed to do with another question . She nods . She looks very serious and thoughtful . This is , of course , a good point . Let 's face it , there 's no one on the face of the planet that has any idea what 's going on here . " I 've anticipated you would need help with that , so I 've prepared some tools to help you . " She hands me a page of handwritten notes and hand drawn pictures of kitty faces with various un - catlike expressions . " This document can used as a guide to the meaning of meowing . Of course , each cat will have its own individual vocalizations , so the guide is really a framework - a starting point if you will - for you to develop your own meowing meaning chart . You 'll also need to ensure you track any new cats that provide input , or cats that for whatever reason , " and here her voice fades a little , " are no longer providing data . " I run my hands through my hair . I know I 'm starting to come apart a little , but this is getting crazy . " But , I don 't think cats can predict which way the wind will blow . " There . That 's a better argument . Now I 'm thinking this through and focusing on the result we 're trying to achieve . " Well , we 've noticed that the cats don 't like getting their fur ruffled up the wrong way . You 've seen that , right ? " This is said in a ' you 're part of the team ' tone of voice . Now she 's feeling sorry for me . This doesn 't bode well . I just nod . She sighs . " That is why you have to analyze the meow . " The depth of my stupidity is now starting to annoy her . I just give up . I 'll figure out a way to herd the damn cats - if one or two escape no one will know unless I say something , and why would I do that ? I 'll take them on the deck , wait till they meow , and somehow put together a matrix with all the data . Maybe if I use a lot of charts , graphs and illustrations it won 't matter if the data makes any sense . " Great ! " I take the guide and give her what I hope is a confident and winning smile . " I 'll have the draft ready for your review in two days . " She smiles and rises . " Perfect ! Just let me know if you have any questions in the meantime . Now I 've got to go meet with Johnson . Those damn goats we brought on board aren 't milk goats after all , so we 've got to figure out what to do with them . He 's got some kind of strategy he thinks will help . He 's calling it the Great Goat Rodeo . Sounds like it 's going to be an all - hands - on - deck event . " I wrote this story shortly after college . The idea came to me , out of nowhere , fully formed one day while I was work . I have no idea what was up with that , but I sure wish it would happen again some day . Apparently , my muse actually is a magpie . Or maybe a cow pie . Perhaps that 's where all the shitty ideas come from … . We are looking at the painting . It is a large white canvas , devoid of paint . " That 's not a painting . " He looks at me with certainty . " It has no paint on it , so how can it be a painting ? " " Perhaps it 's simply classified as art . " " Art perhaps , but it 's not a painting . " " Does it matter what it 's called ? " We look at each other . We look at the canvas . He looks at me . " Yes , it matters . They want to call it a painting , and it 's not a painting . " " Well , what do you want to call it then ? " He considers . " I don 't know , maybe it 's best to just call it a painting . " " It 's not cats , it 's their behavior . I can dislike part of their behavior without disliking cats in general . Or maybe just not like one particular cat . " The artist is standing next to us . He has listened to our conversation and is angry . " No , it 's not a painting . I 'm the artist , I should know what it is . " " It is a painting . " " But you just said it wasn 't a painting . " " I changed my mind , now that I look at more closely I can see that it definitely is a painting . " " No , no , you were right , look at it , it has no paint on it , it 's not a painting . " " If you have to interpret your painting for the audience , it 's not a very good work of art , is it ? " The artist walks away . He is very angry . The artist is coming back with a group of people . They look hostile . They are carrying books of poetry by Gertrude Stein . They are coming our way and I want to leave . " Let 's just go , it 's not worth arguing about . " " It 's not an argument , it 's artistic debate . Everyone has a right to express an opinion , although the more I look at it , it really doesn 't seem to be a painting does it ? What do you think ? " Even when I close my eyes , I can see them coming . They are all angry . They are shouting at each other . " How can it be a painting if it has no paint ? " " You idiot , do you think the only element of a painting is paint ? What about the creative process ? " " So then if this is a painting , anyone who states they are an artist is an artist . " " No , art takes creativity . " " So then , it 's not a painting , but it is art . " " Then we 're all artists . " " No , but we could all be painters . " I am still considering the blank canvas . " Look , if he just painted it white , then it would still be white , it would have paint on it , and it would be a painting . " " But it wouldn 't be a work of art . " " But he would be an artist . " " I like it . " They all look at me . I take money out of my purse . I give it to the artist and take down the canvas . I wonder if it will look better in the living room or over the bed . The painting is hanging over the bed . I want to enjoy it alone . In silence . I wonder what they are arguing about , now that I have the painting . I lie down on the bed . The room feels much more peaceful than I remember it feeling when I left . I think , it was a lot of money , but you really can 't pay enough for peace of mind . I fall asleep . I am awakened by the artist and the group of people carrying books of poetry by Gertrude Stein . They seem happy to see the painting . " You see , I told you she would put it in the bedroom . " " But it would be better in the living room . " " A work of art is a personal experience . " " But it 's the responsibility of the owner of a work of art to share that art . " " What if the artist never shares it ? " " Well , that 's different . " I try to go back to sleep . I hear a loud voice . " But we never decided if it was a painting or not . " Voices are raised . I consider the artist . I consider the painting . I consider the people with books of poetry by Gertrude Stein . I take a knife , rip the canvas from the frame , and stomp on it . The group is silent . Their eyes are hostile . " She destroyed a work of art . " " She destroyed a painting . " They look at me . " Do you realize a great work of art is an individual effort ? " " That was a once in a lifetime piece . " " That can never be recreated . " " It was a blank canvas . " " It was a work of art . " " So a canvas can be replaced , but the work of art can 't ? " I leave the room . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on January 17 , 2016February 29 , 2016Categories No Reason , UncategorizedTags art , cats , creative writing , fiction , humor , satire , short story , thoughtsLeave a comment on The Gallery I Call the Shots When I was a kid , anytime I had to get a shot , have my blood drawn or suffer any other medical torture , I could hear the adult voice saying , " Be brave , be good , be a ' big girl ' . " So I would try my hardest not to fear the needle , not to cry out in pain , and to act as though the experience never bothered me . Therefore , I am no longer brave , good or big . I am cowardly , bad and puny . Maybe it 's simply a regression , or a necessary expression of an earlier repressed fear . Maybe I 'm just a wimp . Whatever . I didn 't realize how bad I was until I went to the doctor and was informed they would have to take some blood . Now , don 't get me wrong , after two surgeries and two glucose tolerance tests it 's not a new experience . It 's just one of " those things . " Give me an intramuscular shot , set a bone , send me for a lower G . I . . Just don 't take my blood . Anyway , the nurse comes in and starts to rub that alcohol cotton swab up and down my arm and ties on that rubber thingie ( tourniquet ? Am I going to bleed to death otherwise ? ) . That alone makes me woozy . I tell her , " I 'm not good at this , I 'll probably jump a little . " She jabs in the needle , I jump and she whines , " Hold still . " I 'm sorry , did " I 'll probably a jump a little " not mean the same thing to you as it did to me ? Even with my head turned the other way I know she 's digging for that vein . I can feel it . It 's like inner - elbow excavation . My hands are starting to sweat and I know my blood pressure is rising . Along with my lunch . " Hmmm . I couldn 't get anything . Oh well , the seal on this vial is cracked so it wouldn 't have been any good anyway . " Well that certainly instills confidence . Not to mention that if someone doesn 't get the blood on the first try , I really snivel . She tried to go for other veins , but I kept whining , " You 're not going to try that one are you ? " until she tried the same vein again . " Are you getting any blood ? " Her silence was my answer . The needle probed some more and I tried not to pass out . She threw down the empty vial and proclaimed cheerfully , " Well it 's time for the butterfly needle . " " Oh , sure , we stick it right in and the blood just pours out . " That was it - I was done . I mean seriously , I only have my Web MD but I 'm pretty sure blood is never supposed to pour out of you - what 's next ? Leeches ? " No . " I pulled my arm away and held onto it . " I don 't want my blood taken today , I 'll come back tomorrow . " A complete fabrication , I know , but my life was on the line . " I don 't want you to take my blood . " I was ready to come to blows over this . She regarded me for a moment , probably regretting giving up veterinary science , and then said , " Fine , I 'll let the doctor do it . " She left , and I seriously considered making a break for it . But I knew I 'd have to see this through - they had my social security number . By the time the doctor got in I was half frenzied . " I don 't want my blood taken today ! " One look at my face and he knew it was a no go ( I 'm guessing the recognition of near hysteria is one of the things they teach you in med school ) . He and the nurse calmly spoke about me in the third person , gave me my bill and let me go . |
Snow . We are getting more snow . It melted yesterday . I heard it dripping outside of my windows . Today , it has started to fall . Again . 5 to 10 inches will be back on the ground , before it is all said and done . This winter just keeps swinging . I hate it . Bitter . That is how I feel . My hope has been replaced with anger . The " mediation " did not go well . Citimortgage showed up , in the form of a thirty year old lawyer , who doodled while David argued his case , and a twenty five year old , fresh out of school girl , complete with tattoos , who was Citi 's representative . David had his t 's crossed , and his i 's dotted . He was prepared . They listened , and as far as coming to some sort of agreement , regarding our mortgage , and keeping us in our home , they never were going to budge . The offer was exactly what it was a year ago . No offer at all . There was no " mediation " . What it was , was a dog and pony show , put on by our county , and attended by our mortgage company , so all involved can say that there is some sort of program in place . Who actually is getting help , remains a mystery . Like the HAMP program . It is helping NO ONE . Even the government recognizes this , and is phasing the program out . It is all a bunch of BS . David took a day off , in vain . There was no discussion . There was no understanding . Mortgage companies would rather foreclose , than assist . Plain and simple . It is a write off , and when it is all said and done , they get free real estate . They have tons of it . They can rent it , sell it . They get to write it off , and profit off of it , numerous times . They win ! A few years ago , I had to call our insurance company . We didn 't have coverage for a test that Olivia had to have . I remember crying to the operator on the phone , because we could not afford the test , and it was going to rule something out regarding Olivia 's health , that could have been potentially very bad . I remember she said to me , very matter of fact , that she understood , and if I didn 't have any more questions for her , was I satisfied with our phone call . There was no emergency line she was going to connect me to . There was no manager who was going to over ride the decision , because they could see , that a little girl needed an important test . It was all business . I banked on yesterday . I foolishly thought that my county was so alarmed by the obscene amount of empty houses , and the gigantic number of pending foreclosures , they were going to facilitate some sort of discussion between homeowner , and mortgage company , and come to solutions for all . My house , the one that is worth less than half of what I owe on it , the one surrounded by empty houses , in a county , with the highest foreclosure rate in the state of Pennsylvania , will soon be joining the lot of them . Thank you for nothing Monroe County . Thank you for nothing Cititmortgage . There is no help for people that want to be helped . It simply does not exist . Business as usual . Posted by Big day today . Big . Today , David is going to court . He is going to our long awaited " mediation " . Today , he will sit down with someone representing Citimortgage . Someone , I am assuming , would be a lawyer . We do not have a lawyer . Someone I know recently went through this same procedure a few weeks back , and did not have a lawyer either . She said that a lot of people there , for the mediation , did . She observed three deals go down , before the judge even saw them . Her " mediation " was over and done within thirty seconds , without a positive outcome . I don 't have a good feeling about today . Especially that I won 't be there . Olivia is home with bronchitis . And we were already instructed to not bring children . So here I will be . Waiting . And cringing , knowing that I could really argue our case . I know David can . But I know that at times , even though I tend to be overly verbose , I can really argue my point . David sticks to the facts . I go with my heart . I am sure David is relieved that I will be here , and not there . Emptied our vacation fund yesterday . Thank God for Coinstar . Some weeks , the wiggle room between today and payday gets a little too tight . Olivia was excited that I was emptying the contents of our fund and taking it to the bank . She thought that we were going on vacation . She actually asked me if we had enough money to buy plane tickets somewhere . * sigh * Last night , the girls were in their school talent show . Charlotte sang " Twinkle Twinkle Little Star " . My Charlotte , the one who used to hide behind my knee , and only spoke in front of chosen adults . She amazes me every day . Olivia had a 103 degree fever . But she slapped a smile on her face , and went on stage , and did her dance , with her BFF . She didn 't want to let her friend down . She danced , and sang . I was swelling with pride . So was David . On the walk to the car , she broke down , and cried , and told us how awful she felt . She had to be carried into the house , and she didn 't even want to take her coat or boots off . I undressed her , and gave her Advil and put her to bed . She was so out of it . I woke up at 2 : 30 a . m . and checked her . Her skin was cool . She looked like my baby , just for a moment . If I just focused my eyes on her lips , and nose , and cheeks , and her closed eyes , the baby face is still there . Posted by Over an hour , to move , maybe two miles . I was waiting for one of the girls to tell us they had to go to the bathroom . When we finally made it to our friends house for the weekend , all was right . I went out for a drink , with my friend , while the men stayed with the kids . We went out for a drink , like real adults . No . Kids . When we came home , the kids were playing . Molly was dancing . Candles were lit . We cooked dinner . We played music way too loud , way too late , and drank way too much wine , laughing the entire time . Spent a few hours at the beach with the kids . Being by the water , and breathing in the cold air , made me feel alive . The girls ran everywhere they went . Molly was going so fast , her feet couldn 't keep up with her top half , and down she went , giggling each time . The girls helped cut greens for dinner . Charlotte loved every single minute of it . A visit to the bay . Rock collecting . The kids painted them later . We all painted them , actually . Then a drive down my favorite road , * in the world * , with three sleepy , quiet , girls . Roasted tomatoes and onions and garlic yesterday . Made it into soup . It was delicious . Snow is still on the ground . It looks out of place , as the light has changed . It shouldn 't be here . While the soup was good , I hope it is my last pot of the season . We are going to visit our friends this weekend . They live in our old house . Our love shack . It is always a bit surreal going there . We can 't afford to go , and they can 't afford to have us , but between all of us , we have enough . And enough laughs to see us through the next few months . There is something so special to me , to be able to sit , and relax , and really talk with people who genuninely care about you , and you feel the same . You really get down to the nitty gritty . The girls are excited . A weekend away , is like a vacation for them . It is a much needed change of scenery . They are both so much like me . They both woke up stressed about the change in their day . We are picking them up early . Olivia wanted to know if she should bring her coat and bag to lunch . Charlotte made sure to tell me that she eats lunch when the big hand is close to the 11 . Molly won 't stop crying lately . All day . I noticed a molar . I will blame that . It is maddening at times . I cleaned a house the other night . I was so happy to get away from her for a few hours . I cleaned three full bathrooms with a smile on my face . Lot 's of balls in the air . We are waiting for them to land . It is this suspended part that has me jumpy . I want to know , but I don 't . I started biting my nails again . Just when they looked nice , too . Waiting for tomorrow is a waste of today . I have to keep telling myself that . Posted by I realized last night that monkey has not been to Paris in a long time . No more tea parties and birthday celebrations for him either . He has not visited Mars , or the Milky Way . He no longer climbs the pyramids , or balances himself carefully along the Great Wall of China anymore . Sadly , those adventures are over . I thought they would never end . Monkey is Charlotte 's stuffed friend , who really helped her overcome shyness . A young boy was playing one of those crane toy games in a restaurant years ago , while we waited for a table . He won so many of the cheap , plush pets , that he sweetly handed one to each of the girls . They were thrilled . Charlotte was actually over the moon . The instant she was handed the small , pink monkey , it began . It , would mean the stories . The wild , tales of monkey and her , going all over the world every night . At first , it was adorable . She would awaken in the morning , and without skipping a beat , she would yammer on and on , through making her bed , eating her breakfast , even brushing her teeth , about these exotic locations she and monkey had been to , the night before . David and I would crack up at the detail of every story . She went on and on . Literally . After a few months , it ceased being so adorable , and I started growing tired of monkey tales . I wanted to talk to Charlotte . I didn 't want to hear about this imaginary world . I wanted facts , not fiction . But she was relentless . She made me decorate the house , and she sent us all invitations , scrawled on little pieces of paper , for monkeys birthday party . Or shall I say , parties . It seemed like we were gathering around an imaginary cake a few times a week . Some days , depending if I had some white wine in me , I thought it was fun . Most days , it became annoying . If we didn 't sing monkey happy birthday , Charlotte would freak . Yet , Charlotte , through all of this , evolved . She was always the kid who hid behind my knee . She didn 't play with the kids at the playground . She would sit with the mom 's . She was a preschool dropout . She stressed so much about being away from me , and playing with other kids , she would wake me up in the middle of the night , in tears , begging me not to go . It broke my heart . The final straw was when I went to pick her up from school one day . There she sat , on the lap of the teacher , with a folded hat made out of newspaper , sitting high on her head , and the saddest face I had ever seen . She was going through the motions . The teacher told me she kept asking after every project they did was it time for mommy to come yet . I didn 't have the heart to force her to continue on . I worried about our decision for the rest of the year . Especially when she seemed so shy , and dependant on me . Taking school out of the equation I feared would isolate her more . But the summer she turned four was when monkey came . And she changed . She started preschool , yet again , and after a few bumps in the beginning , and some tears , she loved it . Monkey and his tales were part of our daily life that whole year . But for whatever reason , it got her through . It got us all through . David was tucking Charlotte into bed last night . I had already kissed her goodnight . I heard him say to her , as I left the room , " Monkey doesn 't really go anywhere anymore , does he ? " Charlotte simply said , " Nah . " " Nah " . That 's it ? Really ? I hadn 't realized that monkeys adventures had become so few and far between , that they were no more . I hadn 't realized that Charlotte didn 't need him anymore . I guess the transition was so subtle , it went un - noticed . Like hang - ger - ber . That 's what the girls both called hamburgers . When did it change ? I didn 't hear it . Or nesklets . That was Olivia 's word for necklace . Or the pile of crinoline in the corner of Charlotte 's room . Snow White costumes , and Cinderella . There , they sit . Unworn . It ends . It changes . The change is slow , but the part that makes me sad , is that when I finally do notice , I can 't believe that I didn 't notice sooner . Have I been asleep on the job ? Worrying about worry ? Stressed about stress ? All those mornings of me , clenching my teeth , with my back to Charlotte , pouring my coffee , just screaming inside my head , barely able to stand yet another monkey adventure . And poof . It 's over . David 's Dad left on Friday . The visit was nice . The girls loved it . They were sad when he left . I always sleep better when family are here . Like when my parents spend the weekend . I feel safer knowing we are all here together . I felt that way with my father - in - law here . We were just a little more secure . The weather fooled us all into thinking that the cold and snow was over . I eyed up our snow shovel on the front deck on Friday , and thought about putting it away for the season . Doors were opened . The breeze blew through the house , removing all of our stale , winter air . My orchid is putting on quite a show . The girls love checking to see how many blooms are opened , each morning . The baby has croup . She is better today . I took her to the doctor after a night of listening to her cough like a seal . She is on antibiotics , and a steroid . She needs a nebulizer treatment three times a day . She loves the attention of having to sit with a mask on , and makes sure everyone gathers around her . I kept thinking how thankful I was to have medicine , and diapers . I kept thinking about desperate people in Japan . Frightened parents , with babies . Unable to get help for their families . Charlotte was sick yesterday . She was lying on the couch all day , with a pain in her neck . The pain got so bad that she cried . I , of course , began researching spinal meningitis , and my heart began to race . I kept checking her for signs of mental confusion , and lethargy . David thought I was nuts . She apparently slept funny on her pillow all night . I was ready to whisk her off to the emergency room . Than she told me she was feeling better , and I was relieved . Talk of the Middle East again . Financially , it would save our life . I can 't imagine what else it would do to it . The two days David was gone a few weeks ago was rough on the girls . And me . I am the serious parent . David is the fun one , with endless patience for the girls . I do not have that ability . The patience part . I worry about being unable to step up to the plate . I worry about it all . What a difference a year , or a month , or a week , makes . What a difference a day can make . Like night and day . Posted by When my father - in - law arrived on Friday , he came with David , in a U - Haul truck . Some furniture from Grandpa Joe 's house , was given to us . It had to be transported here from Long Island , so David 's dad paid for it to be delivered here . We needed dressers . We had a chair in the corner of our bedroom that was piled high with clothes , and at least once a week would " avalanche " to the floor . The dressers are almost 50 years old . Heavy , sturdy pieces of furniture . Mahogany . They are painted a strange color . I can 't quite put my finger on it . I had plans of stripping them , and painting them white , but when we put them in our bedroom , they matched the walls , and our sheets and bedspread . They match perfectly . I put all of our clothes away , and placed our things , on the dressers . I hung the old mirror above the dresser . It is a little gaudy , but I like it . The mirror is old , and not very clear . Your reflection appears a bit cloudy . I rearranged some pictures on the wall , and hung a mirror of my own , next to it . The whole effect is really nice . I keep going in our bedroom , because for the first time , in almost 8 years , it looks really nice . Not forgotten . The dresser has a discolored mark on the top of it . It is apparently from David 's grandmother 's ash tray . She kept it in one spot . I was cleaning the inside of the drawers and found some ancient looking bobby pins . David kept them . There was an old 10 cent stamp too . Tiny remnants of people no longer here . As I was hanging my paintings on the wall , I thought that maybe I shouldn 't be doing it . Maybe we will be gone in a year or so . Maybe it was foolish of me to be " re - decorating " a bedroom that we might not be living in much longer . Or maybe , we will be . Olivia was stretched out on the floor , watching TV the other night . She startled me . I looked at her , and saw a girl . Gone is my baby . I kept staring at her . Her awkward , big teeth , that don 't quite fit her face yet . Her legs are longer . Her baby feet , no more . High arches have replaced the pudgy little round foot . Her skin has even changed . It seemed to happen in a day . I couldn 't believe what I was looking at . Minutes , turning into hours , turning into days . It moves faster than I can comprehend . David 's father is visiting us from Arizona for the week . He does not get to see his grandchildren often . I like watching him , sitting quietly , just looking at them . I can 't fathom looking at my children 's children . But like the memory of having my ears pierced on my tenth birthday . . . a memory from almost 30 years ago . . . it seems like yesterday , and I still twist my studs , like winding a watch , as directed so many years ago , because the memory is so fresh . Yet it isn 't . I was looking through an old photo album , made by my husband 's grandmother . I never met her . She died many years ago . It is so strange to see her face . A stranger to me , but there is the face of my husband , and my own girls , staring back at me . Divinely linked with a person I never even had the chance to thank . Looking through the photos , there are soldiers drinking beer together . A moment in time , most of the men , gone , I am sure . Grandpa Joe is gone now . We lost him in the Fall . It seems lonely to me thinking that he is no longer here . Not a phone call away . His wool hat hangs on a wall , in my house , now . It still smells like him . I watched a woman on the news last night , from Japan . She was frantic . She lost her little girl . The water rushing at them was so powerful , she lost grip of her hand , and they were separated . She is praying that her daughter is alive somewhere . She will never be able to stop looking , I thought all night . I couldn 't stop thinking about her eyes . The sadness in her eyes , was too much to bare . Sometimes , I get so scared being a parent . I feel like we are aboard a ship , and we have lost our navigation . We are heading into the unknown . But we have to smile , and tell the girls to enjoy the boat ride , and the warm sun on our faces , so they won 't be afraid . I want to enjoy it . But the uncertainty of it all . It gets in the way . At the end of the photo album , past the old postcards from London , sent home from the war to David 's grandmother , from Grandpa Joe , are a few love notes . One of them says this . " Whatever life may have in store , Rain again . The already saturated ground is trying so hard to soak up what has fallen all night . I keep thinking what a green spring we will have . And the small lumps of snow that lined the driveway from weekly shoveling are almost gone . I spoke with my girlfriend on the phone yesterday . Her husband is out of work . He was laid off about a month ago . He is not getting unemployment , as he works as a contractor . Their emergency savings is down to nothing , and they are eating what is left in her freezer . They have three kids . She works a minimum wage job , and is trying to get more hours . I heard the absolute fright in her voice . I thought about her all day . I saw another friend whose husband is out of work for two months now . They are panicked . He is collecting unemployment , but it isn 't covering their expenses . The stress was on her face . Both of these men have job interviews Friday . My fingers , toes , and eyes are crossed for them all . Time is ticking loudly . My at home work is getting more interesting . Another project by my employer was given to me , in addition to my original job . I am so excited at this chance . I was reading during dinner last night , which the girls objected to , but I had to squeeze it in when I could . The orchid on my windowsill is opening . Nine buds , poised to blow open . One blossomed on Monday . Yesterday , the second one showed itself . I had given up on that orchid so many times . It has truly surprised us here , and is revealing something that I never knew it had in it . I am glad I didn 't give up on it . I met with the one of the nicest , kindest people yesterday . Sitting in a McDonald 's , our agreed upon meeting place , as Molly was accompanying me , I sat , and talked , and listened to an amazing , smart man . He offered me a job . One that I can do , right here , in my home . The work is in the field of alternative fuel . He runs a symposium for the whole Northeast of the country , annually , dealing in solar , and wind , and electric alternatives as fuel . I am beyond excited , and have so much research to do . Did I mention , beyond excited ! Listening to NPR yesterday report on all of the problems in Libya , and gas prices by the barrel skyrocketing , and our pump prices increasing by the day , was nerve wracking . Everything else will follow accordingly now . Food prices will rise . Everything getting that much more expensive . Makes me want to lump my errands into one day , and leave the car parked and not moving , for the week . As quickly as the snow fell , it melted away . My forsythia bushes are looking like they are about to explode . I think I will cut a few this morning , and force them inside . Spring is so welcome this year . Words are not coming easy for me today . I have received some amazing comments , and e - mails . I have also received some really awful ones . I am human . I am also sensitive , and they have really hurt me . Especially when they are from nameless , faceless people . People judging my life , and my family , when they don 't know the full story , or the circumstances , or have not read beyond the fluffy title , and intro to my blog , which has always been tongue - in - cheek . A blog is an online journal . It can be about anything . There are gardening blogs , and photography blogs . Food blogs are great . Political blogs can cause quite a stir . My blog is about me , and my family . We are struggling right now , but not like a lot of other people are . I have never failed to recognize that . But these struggles are mine . And they are identical to so many in not only my region of the country , but millions effected by the worst downturn in our economy in 70 years . People are having a hard time . I am not at a poverty level . I am not at a point of being on the street . My husband and I work hard for all that we have . We worked our butts off to get where we are , and will do whatever it takes to provide a safe home , and life for our kids . To give up , and " cut my losses " as some have suggested , would be irresponsible , as my foreclosure is fraudulent , and I just wont let a bank treat us as it has countless families and individuals . I will fight until there is nothing left to fight , because that is my nature . To walk away would be asking for others to pay my debt . Someone will always have something negative to say . I have asked for nothing . I simply document my life . A very un - extraordinary life . I am nobody . Nobody to a stranger . But I am somebody to some very important people in my life . I am unlike you . But to some , our lives are the same . To fight for what you have worked so hard for is human nature . To condemn that is odd to me . The girls have a two hour delay . Snow blanketed the ground overnight , just as it had all finally gone away . The wind is howling . Today , I am meeting someone who has offered me some work . Work that I can do from home . I am really excited to meet with him . His wife owns a very successful business that she started in the basement of their home decades ago . They lived in my neighborhood , and raised their children here . He said they purchased an IBM computer , and it all began there , and is now a hugely successful company . I think that is pretty incredible . Posted by The girls are eating breakfast , and chatting away . 12 grain toast with Nutella and oranges for Olivia , and oatmeal and strawberries for Charlotte . Molly is grazing , as she always does . She had half a banana , and some oranges . She is trying to eat oatmeal , but really , she is just making a mess . David was out of town last night for work . He is a rep for his union at work . I am really proud of him . Staying here with the girls alone last night makes me have far less patience . I don 't know how single parents do it . Thank God they were all tired , and went to bed a little before 8 : 00 . I sat up reading the following websites sent to me by someone who is an expert on mortgage fraud . http : / / www . 4closurefraud . org / and http : / / www . livinglies . wordpress . com / Some pretty heavy reading . Some of it was beyond me . Some of it was all about us . Made me madder . Fired me up . I finally stopped reading , and went to bed . But every bump in the night made me wake up . I don 't like being the sole parent , home alone . Tonight is Charlotte 's ceremony at Daisy 's where she receives her pin . She is beyond excited . She went to bed last night talking about it , and woke up this morning , without skipping a beat , talking about it . She wants to wear a dress tonight . She wanted to know why the ceremony is taking place in the usual meeting spot of her troop , as opposed to someplace more fancy , like a place where weddings are . Oh Charlotte . So much like me . A picture painted in your head how it 's all supposed to be . More reading today . The mortgage fraud sites are frightening . And the advertising below . . . sorry . My readership is up a bit . A girl 's gotta do what a girl 's gotta do . Broadway . That was the name of the street in San Francisco . And the corner of either Laguna or Pacific ? Not sure about that , come to think of it . It was over 15 years ago . Whatever the name , it was in Pacific Heights . A really pretty part of San Fran . Stunningly beautiful , actually . Old , grand homes from another time . Streets so steep you could only see the road beyond if you stood on their crests . They seemed like drop offs leading to the sea . We walked , my girlfriends and I , as tourists , through the streets . Approaching us half a block away , were two young boys . Teenagers . One I would even say was less than a teenager . As they walked closer , I remember thinking , they should not be walking around with that toy gun . Someone might think it is real . They could get hurt . Everything went into slow motion from that last thought . I heard him say " Give me your money , or I will shoot you " . I looked at his awkward stance , and how oddly he held the gun , like he almost felt unsure of what he was doing . His hand was shaking . I looked , for just an instant , at his eyes . He was scared . I saw it . He squinted , and looked down . The smaller boy stood behind him , not really knowing his role in the whole thing . My friend who was by the road ran . She took off , running directly into oncoming traffic , desperately trying to stop a car to help . This left me , and my childhood friend , Lisa . I tried for a second to move toward the street , but he came right at me , clicked something on the gun , and put it right into my stomach . He said it with more anger now . " I will shoot you " . He took the nose of the gun , and opened up my bag with it , which I was wearing around my body . He spotted my wallet . I slipped my hand into my purse , removed my wallet , and handed it to him . He looked back into my bag , as if I had more to offer . I said " The wallet has $ 100 . 00 and a credit card in it . Take it . It 's yours " . I thought , you are not taking my purse . It has my keys to my apartment in New York in it . For a nano - second , I even thought about the expense of a locksmith , and how I just wouldn 't be able to swing that . For a while after that experience , I lost a little faith in people . I went from walking around the streets of NY with confidence , to now thinking anybody , at any time , could bring me harm . I would walk home from work , and see groups of teenage boys , and my heart would race . My mouth would suddenly taste metallic , and I would get an urge to vomit . It took a long time to not doubt people . I still have my days where I drive around , and I feel it . I feel people 's anger in the aggressive manner in which they drive . How someone almost crashes into me , and I get flipped off . Just last Spring , we were driving by Target , right here , in my town . David pulled out of a gas station , and apparently , someone thought he pulled out too close in front of him . Do you know , that man , driving a green mini - van , with his wife and kids in it , turned his car around , and chased us down . He got out of his car , when we were stopped at a red light , and was moments away from attacking us , had David not pulled off the road , and blown through the light . It shook us for days . Literally days . I saw his eyes . I looked right into his , as I was screaming at him to leave us alone . I will never forget his face . But the last few days have been an experience for me that I never known . I am amazed . I am in awe . I am feeling ashamed of myself for thinking that most people didn 't care . It 's simply not true . The emails , and comments I have received have been overwhelming . The good people . . . people right here in my own town , going through exactly the same thing my family is , and believe , most are going through far worse , is just mind boggling . The stunning stories people have confided in me , are jaw dropping . I was in a haze yesterday , reading , and thinking about these people all day . All night actually . Connections . People . Strangers reaching out to one another . It is so beautiful to see . It makes me love the place that I call home , right now . It makes me want to do better . Not just for my family . But for everybody . It makes me feel bad that I was focusing on the bad apples . Because there are only a few of those . And from the stories that so many of you have shared with me , and all of the awful struggle happening silently , I know I am in good company . That 's me . I was 4 1 / 2 according to my mother 's familiar handwriting , on the back of the photo . I am sitting next to " Ellie " . I named the porcelain elephant my mother had positioned next to her bamboo couch , complete with plastic covering . ( gasp ) The plastic covers on our furniture were awful . Ugly . Uncomfortable . You slid off them when it was winter , and you stuck to them in the summer . My mother used to Windex them . She had never had brand new furniture , and when my Mom and Dad made this purchase , she was determined to do what it took to stretch their life expectancy . The room was a sort of jungle theme , and the green shag carpeting was chosen to compliment the new sofa and love seat . Ellie was the finishing touch . 1975 . Quite a year in home decor . When I was in 6th grade , my parents were featured in a story , in a small magazine called The Gabriel , put out by our church every month or so . They wrote about the parishioners , and covered Catholic news . My Mom and Dad were , and still are , very active in the church . My Dad was a New York City firefighter , so this seemed like an interesting story , and a church " reporter " contacted my parents , and asked if they would like to share their story , and speak of their family , and career , and faith . They agreed . I remember the lady coming over to our house , and my Dad seeming a little uncomfortable . They sat at the kitchen table , and she asked them questions for what seemed like hours . I was listening in of course , but grew bored , and lost interest . Months later , the story came out . There in black and white , were my parents ! I couldn 't believe my eyes . The photos and story were right there , for all to see . I thought my parents were famous . I was so excited . But my father was horrified . He looked so embarrassed , and I remember him having his head down , not wanting to look at anyone at Mass . My father had been misquoted . During the interview , a part I recall eavesdropping on , my father was discussing being a firefighter . The reporter was very impressed by this , and was really focusing her questions on him . My Dad is a very humble man , and did not want to have his feathers stroked for his career choice . In fact , he had gone on to say that there were so many more men that he worked with who were far more stronger , and dedicated , and lived and breathed being FDNY . He went on to say that he knew some guys that were so strong , they could almost tear down brick walls with their bare hands . What the reporter heard was that in order to be FDNY , you had to pass a test that included the ability to tear down a brick wall with your bare hands . At our church , many of the parishioners were FDNY . My Dad knew quite a few fellow fireman . You see where I am going with this . The ribbing , and jokes that ensued were merciless . I remember walking out of the church and hearing a man my Dad knew ask him what he scored on that test , and still another chuckling saying he must have missed that day , as he never took that test . The story crept it 's way into the firehouse my Dad worked at , and beyond . My father cringed if you even referred to the story in the magazine , and bristled every time he saw that reporter . He demanded she write a correction , which she did , but the damage was done . Yesterday , I was on the front page of my local paper . It was a cringe worthy moment for me . The editor of the paper had read my blog , and contacted me asking if I would like to share my story . I was very torn . My blog is so personal . It is essentially a diary . A place where I go , and write about things in my life that are causing the course of our life , my families life that is , to shift gears , and change course . I am frustrated by the events that have lead us to be where we are , most importantly , my mortgage company , Citimortgage , and the path they have lead us down , after advising us to stop paying our mortgage with the promise of help , and then abandoning that offer . I am frustrated at all that I am witnessing , right here in my own town , with home after home , sitting empty . I am saddened by the stories I hear , from both friends , and strangers . I am tired of seeing people do nothing and not fighting these big companies for what is rightfully theirs , because they are scared , and don 't think they can . I express all of that here . But I also speak of the amazing gift of my family , and our health , and our love , and how every day , we are thankful for all that we have , and never fail to realize how some days , we may feel sorry for ourselves , but we are well aware of how much better off we are than most . The headline in yesterdays paper was my first cringe worthy moment . It said my blog captured a " riches to rags story " . Ugh . I felt sick when I read that . The story itself was very accurate , and I felt like the reporter did a great job , but the reference to us possibly being rich at some point , I feel I must explain . We are not rich . Nor have we ever , ever , been . The title should have been a " just getting by to rags story " , because that is what we were . Just getting by . Barely . The title of my blog has always been a joke between David and I . I spent my twenties working in the fashion industry . I was never wealthy . Not even close . I barely made my rent most months . I worked my tail off , and paid my dues , which included 60 hour work weeks , with no overtime pay . It was only the last year or two of my career , that I began to see a healthier paycheck . I left that life , shortly after meeting David , and we got married , and started a family right away . We moved here , and hoped for a better life . We knew the sacrifices we would make , by me staying home , and taking care of our children . When job loss hit us , and my husbands salary was reduced by almost $ 15 , 000 . 00 , things have gotten dramatically more difficult for us . That is where my blog comes in . It is a place that I record these struggles . I also record lots of good stuff too . All the stuff that I fear gets muddled up , and forgotten about , because of all of the stress . All of the stuff that I want to remember , but I fear I won 't because my worry eclipses everything else . Opening up my blog to the general public I knew would come with a price . And it did . I received two negative comments yesterdays . One person , who chose to remain anonymous , suggested I get a job . Good point . One that I have indeed thought of , but am currently having a hard time doing , as we have the small problem of being unable to afford childcare for three children . This has presented quite an obstacle . But one woman really upset me . Her name is Heather Robinson . She wrote to me , and suggested that I sell my " beautiful furniture " ( that 's what she wrote ) . She admitted that she had not taken the time to read through my blog , but felt that I had not changed my " lifestyle " or my " standard of living " . She thought that I just want the mortgage company to " fix " my financial situation . She went on to say that she has never owned brand new furniture . ( me neither Heather ) She also couldn 't believe that I want someone else to pay off our debt . She said that I was selfish , and that she imagined us having cars newer than 2005 , and a television that was LCD HDTV ( wrong , wrong , wrong ) and how dare I want to continue on with our previous lifestyle . ( again . . . ? ? ) Aside from that , something remarkable happened to me yesterday . I was touched by strangers . Complete strangers wrote to me , and shared their unbelievable , jaw dropping stories . Women wrote to me and expressed their families were going through exactly what we were going through . Down to the job loss , and foreclosure process . One woman , named Karen , has six children , and her husband has been out of work for 19 months . 19 months ! ! ! She said " It 's sad to see that so many people are in the same exact position . What is sad though , is no one is talking about it . Two of my friends know where we are but no one else does . I honestly just told my mother last month " . She also said , regarding her husbands job loss , that " It 's been crazy hard and stressful and I feel like I am losing my mind every day but the kids are happy and healthy " . Another woman wrote that she and her husband moved here from NYC to give there family a better life . They have faced financial hardship , and are just barely getting by . She said " from Saks to Sam 's Club , know that your not alone " . The e - mails came all day yesterday . While they offer comfort , they also make me sad . They make me mad at the same time . Mad that so many people are just struggling for the bare minimum . Sad for the countless families who are being destroyed by this . Mad at the arrogance of the banks and their refusal to help out people , after they themselves were helped out , and sad for the people to scared to fight them . So , am I selfish ? If choosing to hold Citimortgage accountable for help they promised , and then took away , you betcha I am selfish . Selfish because I want others who feel powerless to do the same , and not lay down and die ? I am . Accountability . That is what this is about . Lot 's of us are out here trying to do the right thing , and being prevented from doing so , by banks , and attorneys . Not fair . Not fair at all . Selfish for wanting to keep a roof over my kids heads ? . . . I am guilty of selfsihness , yet again . I laid in bed last night . In the middle of the night , David reached over , and touched my finger tips with his own . His love , and the gift of my family , is what I am certain of . Our future , is the uncertain part . Sometimes that eclipses this . I thought of Heather Robinson in the middle of the night too . Why was her ignorant , uninformed judgement , weighing on me more than the countless letters of the good company we are apparently keeping ? Then I thought of the jungle living room of my childhood . I thought of the awful green couch , covered in thick plastic , that gave it more years than a circa 1975 couch ever should have had . Thank you Mom for encasing it in plastic , and preserving it so well . And Heather Robinson . . . if you know anyone who would like to buy an almost 40 year old couch , held up by books , and a television hand me down , that takes VHS tapes , let me know ! I am a wife , mother , daughter , sister , friend , and aspiring artist and writer . I used to work in the fashion industry in NYC , and relocated to Pennsylvania after marrying my true love and starting a family . We are happy , and broke . This blog has morphed into a weekly newspaper column . Specifically , my Wednesday posts . So if you want to avoid my weekly " rant to the man " , don 't read on Wednesdays . I do thank you for reading at all , though ! |
Caution : This Erotica Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Consensual , Heterosexual , True Story , Slut Wife , Safe Sex , Oral Sex , Anal Sex , Desc : Erotica Sex Story : Chapter 1 - This is a true story of an Irish couple I interviewed over the Internet . I added the interviewer as a way to pull a lot of information together . It is about a young married woman who has permission from her husband to meet other men . Hell ya she was a pretty young woman . Infectious smile , small delicate breast , excellent legs and an ass that you might have wished had been a little smaller , until you saw her walk away , then you would know , it was perfect . Soft waves of dark brown hair fell to her shoulders high lights mirrored and blinked challenging the sparkle in her warm brown eyes . He met Louise while he was interviewing participants in a survey studying sexual permissiveness ( swinging ) , in England , Ireland and Scotland . The survey was being followed up by a number of personal interviews . It was all part of a huge survey being funded by the Cambridge University 's school of medicine in conjunction with the school of psychology . This was all heady stuff for a twenty one year old aspiring sexologist . Louise and her husband Colin had an ' arrangement ' that suited them both fine and allowed her to have occasional dates with other men . An Irish couple , they lived in a quiet middle - class neighborhood in a village just north of Dublin , they were quite radical in there thinking . Or were they ? That was the goal of the survey and the follow up interviews . The couple had decided that Louise should feel free to meet other men for love making . More accurately to have fuck and suck sessions with other males . They were both quite comfortable with the idea in general but it still wasn 't working out as well as they had planed or hoped in some specifics . Being very much in love , and they were , they were looking for help . That was part of what Cambridge U . had offered for frank discussions . The arrangement had been that Colin had wanted Louise to tell him all the details when she returned home after her dates . A blow by blow , stroke by stroke account so to speak . But time and again when she returned home to her husband , night after night , her sex still wet with her lovers sticky offering , she just couldn 't tell all . She was embarrassed and shy to give him details . Ridiculous they agreed but true . Louise 's first problem was that she was to shy to go into all the details she knew Colin wanted to hear . Second there were areas that . . . well he wasn 't aware of and she didn 't know how to tell him . So the couple reasoned that if they gave him , the interviewer , the story of their experience then as a professional perhaps he could give them some advice , guide them actually , as to how this could be more fulfilling to both of them . Well that was the plan anyway . His name is Russell Gordon their interviewer . At their first appointment they had explained the problem to him that I have just outlined . He decided that under the circumstance he would have to see them separately at least for the time being . They agreed and he assured them , that only information that they agreed to be made public , would ever make it out of his office . The appointments became a very interesting set of meeting especially Louise 's appointments . This is an account of some of those meetings . Louise 's first session set the tone and temper for the following ones . She was open , friendly and honest ( as far as Russ could tell ) and very , very sexy . She sat on his very comfortable patient 's chair . A plush , soft , green leather chair that had a soothing , comforting effect on patients . Almost at once he saw that she had a pleasant habit of crossing and re - crossing her legs . She was wearing a loose fitting white sleeveless blouse , a tight fitting light green skirt , nylons and green high heels . Each time she crossed her legs she flashed her pretty black lace panties . And she would look at him and smile knowing he was watching her legs move . " Now why don 't you start your story ? Let 's see if we can 't find out why you 're not able to talk openly about sex with your husband , or about your adventures with other men . I take it you like men a lot don 't you ? Why don 't you tell me about when you first became interested in boys ? " " Alright " she spoke up brightly and once again re - crossed her legs . " Darn I don 't remember a time when I wasn 't interested in boys . . . you know their wee plumbing and all . When I was a little girl , around eight or something like that , I remember playing that . . . you know . . . I don 't know the name , ' You show me yours ' , game with my good friend Susan and some boys , my cousin Bill and Phil his friend . We were all friends and played together all the time . That was the first time I saw a cock and I really liked it . I mean I really . . . really liked it . The little cock gave me a funny feeling in my tummy . . . like a lump of sugar or something . I remember how much I liked looking at their little peckers . And that was the first time I saw a regular cock and a circumcised one too . Sue asked Phil why his was smaller than Bill 's . She is like that very forward . I wanted to touch one of them but I was to shy . Well then we pushed down our panties I wasn 't shy about that , and the boys looked at our bald cunnies . We wouldn 't let them touch us down there but they seemed to enjoy what they saw . Russell found him self looking forward to his pretty young patient 's appointment . He had ended their first one with a huge erection , and he got a warm feeling between his legs as she walked into his office for the second time . Although Russell didn 't realize it , Louise had noticed the bulge in his pants when she had said good bye at their last meeting . She though it was cute , and it could even have some possibilities . " Yes Russell , I am " , she smiled , " if you 're ready to listen . " That was the first time she had used his first name and he liked the feeling it gave him . She was wearing a black and red silk blouse , again a tight skirt but this time black with red heels . Sitting , she of course crossed and re - crossed her legs . " Well you know Russ , just the regular little girl stuff . Boys that teased and sometimes you actually gave a quick kiss to . But no real sexual boy friend until Ron . Ron was my older sister 's boyfriend 's friend . He was around a lot . I was just sixteen and he was twenty - something , so that was a big difference . Still we became very close . " " It started out pretty innocently ; you know kissing and cuddling in the hallway of our house that kind of stuff . Little by little over a few weeks it got more serious . I know at some point he had started to fondle my little tits . I developed late . And I could feel his hard cock inside his pants when he pressed against me . My panties were beginning to get wet when we fondled . I liked the feeling but was a little scared to . " " Then I let him put his hand between my legs inside my panties and that really felt wonderful . He gave me my first orgasm . . . I was dazed by it . Some times he would give me more than one orgasm a night . It wasn 't long after that that he showed me his big , hard cock . It was amazing ; I just love the way a man 's cock looks . It always gives me that funny feeling in my tummy , makes my mouth water and dries my lips . Remember I had only seen my cousin 's and his friend dicks before that . And here was a grown man showing me a gorgeous ready for business cock . Heck Russell I would have done anything he wanted . " Louise was noticeable relaxed now , as if a dam had been broken . She sat back re - crossed her legs and smiled at him . " Why don 't you call me Russ , Louise . . . my friends all do . And we are friends now I think . Don 't you think so ? " " Yes we are Russ . " She smiled a knowing grin and looked at his lap under the thin open desk top . " Do you have a hard - on like you did at the first session Russ ? I thought that was nice . " Embarrassed Russell crossed his own legs saying , " I 'm sorry that you noticed that , very unprofessional of me . I apologize Louise , it just happened . " He could feel his face getting warm , a trickle of sweat ran down his back . As she flashed him again he looked back at his notes . " Shall we continue ? How far did you go with this Ron person , did the affair last long ? " Back to business now Louise straightened her skirt . " Well to tell you the truth it seemed like a long time then but it must have been the better part of one summer . Not really that long . I think our age difference started to show and I may have been boring him . " " Anyway he let me hold his cock , at first I wouldn 't , but then I did , ( I let him talk me into it . . . but I was dying to touch it ) . Then he showed me how to wank him off . I just fell more in love with male cock . It was so hard , almost like steel . But covered with a thin soft layer of the silkiest skin one could imagine . And the head was like a spongy , firm arrow head with a slit in the tip . I loved to wank him off and see the ' white stuff ' , come shooting out , that was super cool . I did it a lot for him while he had his hands in my panties . One night he asked me to kiss his ' thing ' . A light went on in my head and I knew I wanted to kiss it and put it in my mouth . What a wonderful thought . Then just as I got down on my knees a neighbor only a few doors down opened her door and that was the end of my first try to suck cock . " Louise was very excited now as she neared the conclusion of the ' Ron ' story . She took a sip of the water on the low table next to her . " So I guess the next step wasn 't so surprising . But I was surprised anyway . I was fascinated , thrilled and scared as hell . He liked to push my top up and suck my little tits . My nipples were often sore the next day but I didn 't mind it was all so wonderful . One night while I was playing with his cock he pushed me against the wall and spread my legs open . Next he put his cock head against my virgin pussy lips and finally after pushing the head of his cock into me just a little , he suddenly pushed very hard into my pussy and broke my cherry . Then he fucked me for the first time . It was very nice but I did bleed some . My skirt was so soiled I had to throw it in the dust bin . He fucked me many more times that summer but his cock never gave me a climax . His finger did many , many times . " " No you don 't do you . Did you have trouble talking to any of the men you 've fucked Louise . Or is your husband the only problem . " " Just Colin . If it 's a fuck friend it 's easy to talk . Colin is the only one that I have trouble with . But you know something strange Russ ? Since I 've been talking to you we have been able to talk a little more then before . So maybe we are moving in the right direction . " Perhaps your afraid Colin will think of you in a bad way . Like as a slut who sleeps around a lot . Not his pure as new snow , virgin like wife . Do you think that could be true ? " " Well we can get into that later . For now I want you to keep talking with him as much as you can . You already know intellectually he wants to hear you and will love you more not less . Now we have to make you believe that in your heart . " She just smiled , slowly uncrossed her legs and stood up , " That 's alright , " she said as she walked around his desk . Bending down she gave him a light kiss on the lips . " I have that effect on men . Especially the ones that know I 'm available . Why don 't you just stop trying ? I think it 's very sweet . " " Good morning Louise . It 's so nice to see you again . In fact I 've been looking forward to it very much . You have such interesting adventures to talk about . Would you like a cup of tea or coffee before we start ? " Taking her hand in greeting he pressed it to his lips , and kissed it gently . His eyes danced with pleasure at seeing her again . " And how is it going with Colin , Louise ? Are you able to talk more now ? Colin seems to think it is getting better . I meet with him too , as you know , and he sees improvements . " " Yes it is really . We think it may be that we are talking to you and I just seem to find it easier . Of course we are only talking about imaginary sex partners , not real ones . I still can 't do that . " She took a cool drink of water settled back in her seat , and smiled . " Fine keep up the good work . Now you told me at our last meeting about loosing your virginity . What is your next major incident concerning sexual relations . " Oh that 's an easy one . Yes I lost my virginity at sixteen . We had a lot of sex in a few weeks but then nothing . I really missed it . " You remember my cousin I told you about when I was little and seeing his little cock ? " Leaning forward in her chair Russ could see she was anxious to tell the new tale . He noticed that her grey pleated skirt was exposing quite a bit of her thigh , and garter belt . He coughed mildly and said " Yes I remember . His name was Bill wasn 't it ? " He could feel his erection growing . " Yes that 's right . Well I always liked that guy and of course he had a special place in my heart because I had seen his cock , small as it was . " She sat back in her seat again and sipping again on her water , started her story . " Well I headed off to the bus stop thinking I was looking just fine and who should I run into ? Right ! Cousin Bill . He is so nice and I was glad to see him . He was surprised that I was so drunk and said I couldn 't go home like that or I 'd be in big trouble . So he took me for coffee and then a long walk in the park . At least I think it was long . At any rate we ended up under a huge tree kissing and feeling each other I remember how great it all felt . I got my second look at his cock and wasn 't disappointed . " " He had his finger inside my cunny and he felt like something really special . His finger slid over my clit thrilling me in the nicest possible way . He pushed up my sweater and fondled and sucked on my very erect nipples . I loved every minute of it . At some point one of us took off my panties and Cousin Bill got between my thighs with that beautiful cock of his , and I opened wide for him . His cock seemed much nicer than Ron 's had been and he knew how to use it . Well Bill fucked me very hard and fast the first time and finally made me cum . That was the first time I ever got the feeling while I was being fucked . . . it was very special . And I was pretty drunk still but he waited a while and then fucked me again and I reached another fantastic climax with fire works and colors and all that . " " Bill wanted to go out with me again . But I wouldn 't go out with him . . . you know being cousins and all . But it was tempting , darn he had a nice cock . " " He was hot as hell Russ . He really was . The only problem now is that I 've never told Colin and I don 't know what he will think about me being with my cousin . I hope he doesn 't hate me , or think I 'm weird . " She did seem to have had a cloud pass over her thoughts as she fiddled with her finger and lost her pretty smile for a moment . " It sounds to me like you really enjoyed Bill a lot . I 'll bet Colin would like to hear about it . Don 't you agree ? " " For now just keep talking fantasy people with Colin . Keep it make believe . Then when you 're both relaxed you could start sharing some of the stories . " Russ stood as soon as Louise did , and walked around his desk to escort her to the door . " You 'll see it will keep getting easier for you to talk to him . I shouldn 't be telling you this but he told me he is very pleased with the way things are going . So you see it is working for him . " Putting his arm around her shoulder they moved to the door where they stopped for a moment . Turning toward him she continued , " I 'm sure that 's true Russ and we have you to thank for getting us started . " She fluttered her eye lashes , her soft brown eyes sparkling . " I 'll owe you a big favor when we are finished won 't I ? " " Not really Louise but if you think so that would be nice . I 'm looking forward to our next meeting . " Russ drew her close to himself and kissed her with unmasked passion . As their tongues twisted his hands slid down her soft curves and his hands cupped her firm full ass . Her hands had moved to the sides of his face as she released a slow soft moan . " Well yes ! To tell you the truth and I always tell you the truth , there is . My lovely , wonderful , special husband and I are having fantastic sex . I 've been making up fun fantasies and while I talk to Colin about fucking other men he makes delicious oral love to my pussy . He really loves to hear about how they fuck me what their cocks look like and all the positions they use . He likes to hear about what their cocks feel like inside me . Last night Colin brought me to a climax twice and a low level of surging pleasure of pleasures that went on for the entire night . " Well that is good news isn 't it . I 'm pleased for you . Now let 's see what other thought 's we can pry out of that pretty head . What is the next link in the chain that we can break ? " " Well I was thinking about that this week . Nothing really happened until I got married when I was nineteen . " Louise re - crossed her legs , carefully straightened her plaid skirt and relaxed . " We were really happy and still are . I just love him to bits and he feels the same way about me I know . " She took a sip of water and looked back at Russ with his head down writing . " The first thing I noticed was when he wanted me to dress in sexier clothes . You know tighter shorter skirts , more reveling tops . . . stuff like that . Well I kind of liked that anyway but I was surprised when he enjoyed other men looking at me or even whistling when I walked by . Then I realized we both liked it so I was happy doing it . " One of the funny things that used to happen to me was at parties at Sue 's house or with the family Colin would be talking to either Ron my brother - in - laws friend , ( You remember the one that took my cherry . . . that horny bastard ) , or talking to my cousin Bill , ( the one that really did me good under the tree in the park and was the first male cock that ever gave me a climax ) and I would get wet . I got a tingle in my belly when I thought about how sexual I was with them and how Colin has only a little idea of how serious our sex was . Heavy , hard sex I 'll never forget . And I know he would like to know the whole story and every cunt pumping detail . I just can 't tell him . At least not yet . " Louise took another sip of water . " The first time , after I got married that is , that a really sexy thing happened was at a party at Sue 's . How sexy ? Well I got fucked for the first time since I was married , by a man that wasn 't my husband . That 's how sexy . I was there with Colin of course and Ron showed up . He knew who Colin was but hadn 't met him , he came over to us any way with a big grin and started a conversation . He liked to tease me about giving me a spanking . . . I know he really wanted to , and I could imagine what else he wanted . " " I don 't now if I told you or not but Colin hates to dance . . . he just won 't . But he is fine with me dancing with other men . So I always get to dance with a lot of men both of us like that . I danced several dances with Ron , and I was ready to play . That night Ron was very horny . He kept talking about how he had fucked me when I was sixteen . Taken my cherry and I had promised to suck his cock some day . We danced very close and he kept pushing his hard cock into my stomach . And Russ the truth is after a few dancers and a few drinks I started to press back . " " Soon we were in the back of the outdoor garden . Kissing , fondling , touching and kissing again . He pushed up my top and bra and started sucking my nipples just like the old days . He thrilled me . While I was taking his cock out of his pants his hand went under my skirt and down inside my panties . I closed my eyes and I was sixteen again and in the hallway of my house . Oh how I loved those hands on my pussy the finger that always got me off . And the tongue on my nipple , that slippery bumpy tongue with the wiggly tip . I just loved the feeling of it so much . I came quickly with loud gasps my finger nails dug into his back while the fireworks went off as he fingered me and bit my nipple . " " I knew what he wanted because I wanted the same thing . I happily dropped to my knees and took his cock in both hands . It was a beauty . . . not as big as Bill 's about the size of Colin 's . . . in the moon light I could see the crystal clear pre - cum oozing from the slit in the head . My tongue slowly cleaned the pre - cum from the under surface of the fat cock . I looked into his eyes as I did it and then when I slid the soft pink head into my mouth his eyes closed . His head back . I just played with the head with my tongue and lightly sucked more pre - cum out of him . I took my mouth away and my tongue lapped its way down to his balls heavy and full of cum I would be soon swallowing . One at a time I sucked the egg shaped balls into my mouth and bathed them with my lips and tongue . Then I went back to sucking his cock . At first it almost choked me but I adjusted and soon he was holding the sides of my head and truly face fucked me . He was using my mouth like a pussy . I was sucking him and wanking him off while my lips formed a tight ring around his straining , hard cock . It didn 't take very long unfortunately . Only a couple of minutes after I had started he began filling my mouth - cunt with streams of hot salty cream cum . I swallowed as much as possible but it came so fast . I could feel the sticky cum in my nose and some ran from the corners of my mouth , while I gulped it down . When he was finished he withdrew his cock and whipped the final offering from his balls against my lips and cheek . I was in girl , cum heaven . I always loved looking at cocks from the time I was a girl and wished for years that I had been able to suck Ron 's cock the night as a girl we were interrupted . So this was my first cock sucking and I loved it . The first time that I swallowed too . I loved it all . " " Ya I did like it . " Louise blushed at her own admission , " I always loved his cock . But now I was a married woman and once I had cum . I , we I mean , cleaned up straightened out our clothing and got back inside before we were missed . I definitely needed a fresh drink . Almost immediately I ran into Colin who said he had been looking for me and I told him Ron and I had stepped into the garden for only a few minutes to get a breath of fresh air . He didn 't seem bothered at all , so I relaxed and continued to have a good time . I again danced with Ron and again his hard cock got my attention if you get my meaning . " " Still all that would have been the end of it except that an hour later and a few more drinks Ron asked me if I wanted to take another walk in the garden and I quickly said yes . I couldn 't see Colin ; I wanted to tell him where I was going so he wouldn 't be upset . But not finding him quickly I just left . " Louise looked out the window and readjusted her position in the chair . She hesitated in her story as she seemed to visualize her late night adventure with an old lover . She smiled at the visions . " Back in the same place we had been earlier I flung myself into his arms . Kissing and biting his lips I ran my fingers through his hair while I pressed my body against his . I left no question about what I wanted , and he of course knew and understood perfectly . In only moments my panties were thrown somewhere never to be seen again ( by me ) , and his pants and shorts were around his ankles . I held his rigid manhood with both hands its engorged throbbing fullness matching my own pulse . He held me in the air with his hands forming a seat under my bum while I pushed the head of his enraged cock into my dripping wet cunt . I think my legs just dangled but I may have wrapped them around him I just know he gave it to me good . . . hard and fast , just like I wanted it . I bit my lip from making to much noise . Like an innocent little bitch dog being taken in a public place by a huge male stud dog that just took her as he wanted and drove into her with out further thought , ( never knowing he just had her because she had voluntarily made herself available ) . " " It 's easy for me to imagine the entire scene , I so enjoyed that fucking . I can still feel that wonderful cock , fat and long , thick purple veins surrounding it in eccentric patterns . Ramming that into me with such force , God it was grand . My pussy was running like a faucet and I could feel his heavy balls slapping against my butt with every stroke . Of course he had my blouse up again and while he fucked me , my back against the wall , he sucked on my nipples like a dam mad man . " Her hand moved to her breast her fingers finding the erect nipple beneath her blouse . She sat back exhausted , " it was amazing Russ , really amazing but then we were done . He brought me to a climax twice before he filled my pussy the way he had filled my mouth earlier . It had been incredible good but again my husband was waiting who knows where so we went back inside and I didn 't see Colin . Actually I was more interested in finding the toilet to clean up some . Ron 's cum was running down my thighs and I had to pee something awful . When I did come out Colin was waiting for me again just as if nothing had happened . At home later Rex did ask what had happened in the garden the second time and I told him Ron and I had been doing some snogging in the garden and to my surprise he didn 't seem surprised or particularly unhappy about it . " " That 's about all there was to that story . I see you enjoyed it didn 't you ? " Louise smiled glancing at Russ 's hand on his pants over his cock . Without moving her eyes from his she got up from the chair and " Well thank you Russ . It 's easy when it 's all true . But my time is up isn 't it ? " However it accrued to me that there was one major exception to this . One point where he had not told her of an event she would have liked to know . In this case he was concerned that she would be angry for his having been ' spying ' on her . Colin started off his fingers fidgeting in his lap . " Well Russ it 's true she hasn 't always told me what she was up to , not in detail at least . She told me she had told you about the night at the family party that she danced with her old boy friend Ron . Well she disappeared a couple of times with him but I was keeping better track of her then she realized . The first time I couldn 't see them I started to look and it wasn 't long before I found them in the back garden in the dark against a wall . The scene was just what I thought it would be . They were kissing and feeling each other . I was careful to hide in the shadows and I 'm sure they didn 't see me . The whole scene was very erotic . I kept rubbing my cock . . . it felt very nice . I could hear them joking and laughing . Louise said something about his cock and he said she had promised to kiss it . One of his hands was under her skirt and the other under her blouse . She had spread her legs to give him full access . They were having a fine time but then so was I . Then she did something I don 't think she had ever done before ( I personally don 't care for oral sex ) . . . but she dropped to her knees and began sucking his hard cock . Then I guess he came off in her mouth and they pulled them selves together . I got out of there before they saw me . We had a drink and she went off and she and Ron danced again . A while later I missed them again . This time of course I knew where to look . Again I hid in the shadows but this time I took my cock out and gave it a good slow wank while I watched them . Soon he had his pants and shorts down around his ankles and she was giving him a good wank . He had her blouse and bra pushed up and was groping her tits to her pleasure if her moans were any indication . Then she took off her panties and just threw them away . I knew what was coming next . He lifted Louise off the ground grasping her ass cheeks and she directed his cock into her . It was great and I don 't know when my cock ever felt better . She had her legs wrapped around his hips and all of a sudden after a few minutes of serious fucking Louise threw her head back in a very typical fashion for her and made some muted sounds I knew she had come off . At just that time with Louise in the throws of a climax with another mans cock inside my wife pussy I came off too . White cum splattered onto the ground as I watched the erotic show . They had slowed down so I knew they would be going in again , I put my cock away and quietly left . They were soon behind me . " Well do I have a story for you Russ you cheeky devil . I know you like hearing about all this stuff . I saw you get hard last week remember ? That 's not very professional is it ? I 'm just kidding . . . I really think it 's cute . " Louise had come into Russ ' office like a whirlwind . Obviously excited and pleased with herself , she had made herself quickly at home and started to chatter . " Well I guess I shouldn 't have been surprised when Colin let Tom kiss me , after the tight clothes , but the rest ? Wow . I never expected him to go along with that . " Russ held up his hands for her to stop . " Louise , for heaven sake your not making sense . Start at the beginning and tell me the whole story . What about tight clothes ? " " Well right after we got married Colin told me that he thought I should try to wear some tighter cloths . Some things that were sexier . . . you know . . . men would notice . Well I thought that was a fun idea and I started wearing a little more daring cloths . The men did notice and Colin liked seeing me turn them on . " Louise stopped for a second while she sipped on her water . " So that was OK but this week we went to the dance club and I danced with a few men one of them was a man I knew . He has a store next to the beauty parlor where I work and he wanders in and out a lot . So we danced a few times . He came back to our table and he and Colin got along just fine . We danced a few more dances and his flirting became passes . I know that Colin saw some of it but he seemed to be OK with it . While we danced he kissed me a few times and rubbed my ass once or twice too . I liked the attention and touching . " " Well it made me a little nervous , Colin being right there and all . But I did like it just the same . What happened next surprised me even more . When we left we left together and waited for a taxi Tom asked Colin if he would mind if he gave me a kiss good night . I said no because someone would see us . But Tom said we could go into a dark doorway and Colin said it was OK . Well did we ever snogg . He got me very hot kissing me with his tongue in my mouth and feeling my tits and ass , out side my cloths of course . God he was great . I loved it . I got really hot " " I didn 't know what to think . And when we got home it was clear that Colin was not only not unhappy at what had happened but was pleased and turned on . He wanted to know all the details . You know how I am about that so I just couldn 't really tell him much . I know he was disappointed . Still he did do oral on me and made me come off like crazy . " " We went back to the club the next night and Tom was there we danced a lot and he asked Rex if he could take me out side for some air . Well did we ever get air . We did a lot of snogging and his hands were all over me outside my clothes . " " Again when we left the club he asked Rex if he could take me into the doorway and Rex said yes . The same thing with his hands feeling me and him pushing his hard cock against me . I pushed back against his hard - on and he felt the hell out of my ass . I knew what he wanted and I wanted it too . He asked me to go out with him and I told him I would have to ask Colin . At home I did ask Colin and he said it was all right with him . I told Tom the next day in the shop and I saw him that very night . " " We went out in his car and he stripped me naked . I was embarrassed to be sitting nude in the car but it was very exciting . . . and my cunt got wet as hell . . . I liked it a lot . He felt my pussy and played with my tits . Then the big thrill when I took his cock out and slowly slid it into my mouth , and sucked it for him . I made love to his cock , like I said , I like to suck cock , and he came in my mouth while I fondled his balls . Later he fucked me and made me come off twice . It was wonderful . " " Were you able to tell Colin about what had happened Louise ? Or were you still shy about talking about it ? " Russ was writing again in the case study . " No " Louise said , " I still couldn 't tell him . Not the details anyway . . . of course he knew I had been fucked . But he liked the idea of sucking my pussy even more than usual , so he must have known that Tom had fucked me . I mean he must have tasted the cum . . . don 't you think ? Colin is really a good lover and I loved it . " " Louise , why don 't you just try making up stories for Colin to listen to . Not something real just anything about you and another man . That might get you more use to talking about sex , but it wouldn 't be a confession . " " Maybe I could try that Russ . I just love Rex so much and I want to please him . Yes I can try that . " Louise smiled at Russ , " I 'll try this week . " Russ behind his desk now opened her file . Positioned a fresh lined yellow tablet and looked up . Well it 's been almost two weeks Louise . You had gone out with , " he looked at his notes , " this fellow Tom . Did you see him again ? What did Colin think about it ? " " Well did I ever . That Tom almost fucked my brains out . Colin is happy about it although he would like me to tell him more of the details . But I still can 't really go into details like he wants me to . " She re - crossed her legs reveling red lace panties and a red garter belt . " The first week I saw Tom almost every couple of days . We fucked in his car or in the park mostly . Tom liked to strip me and play with my tits and pussy . He did a good job sucking my cunt too . He would kiss and suck my nipples while I felt his cock . He was always hard so I would suck him off and on . He really liked that . He was a good lover and always got me off . Like I said he really liked me to suck his cock but usually he didn 't come off in my mouth . He would always put his fat cock into me and fuck me like a whore , hard and long . A few times on the way home we had gotten horny again and we would fuck again in an ally behind my house . I sucked him off there a few times too , and then he did come in my mouth . I like that and he seemed to like to do it too . " " When I got home of course Colin knew where I had been , and he seemed happy for me and happy for himself . I told him that Tom and I had fucked but I couldn 't tell him much more . Still he never complained and would take me orally . He is a great oral lover and always makes me come . " " We did try your idea of a make believe person and it worked pretty well . We would just pick out a person we knew and I would make believe I was making love to him and describe that to Colin . He really liked that . " Russ had felt his cock get hard as Louise spoke . From where she was sitting she could easily see the mound in his pants . No longer embarrassed about her looking at him he began to softly rub his cock . " Well Things were going along pretty well I thought and Colin did too . The only problem was that Tom who lived with his mother didn 't have a good place to take me . He couldn 't go to his house and wouldn 't go to mine . So we just did the best we could , but it wasn 't always comfortable . " Louise took a drink of water and looking at Russ said , " You may not believe what happened next . Tom has a married friend who has a shop just down the block from where Tom has his and where I work . His name is Jim , Tom had mentioned him to me before , and he had a house trailer parked outside of town . Well Jim let Tom take me there and it was very nice . We had a bed and could just sit around the living room and talk or fool around , or have drinks some of the time . I liked it a lot better than doing it in the car or on the ground . So it seemed perfect until the night we got there and Jim was there . That was the first time I had met him . " " Well I was surprised and Tom seemed surprised to see him too but not so much , as to be upset . I don 't know if Tom was surprised or not to tell the truth . He never offered to leave so I have my suspicions . Anyhow we all had drinks and I sat on Toms lap and we began to fool around . Tom unbuttoned my blouse and started to fool with my tits . Jim just watched at first and to tell you the truth it didn 't bother me that he was there , it kind of made it more exciting . It kind of turned me on . Then the first thing I knew both men were undressing me . Every one was joking and Jim told me if I wasn 't a good girl he would have to spank me . I kidded him back and the first thing I knew Tom put me across his lap and held me while Jim pulled down my panties and began spanking me . He didn 't hurt me of course but the whole thing just turned me on like crazy . I loved the attention of the two men . Then they finished stripping me , and the idea of both of them looking at me was delicious , exciting and thrilling . My pussy was sopping wet and waiting to get fucked . I needed a big cock up inside me and I needed and wanted it badly . Soon after I was nude the men were nude as well . Their hard cocks were amazing in the light of the living room I couldn 't stop staring knowing they were dripping pre come just thinking about fucking me . And I couldn 't wait . Cocks standing up straight and hard as steel poles out for me to see , to see , to feel , to fuck and to suck . Cocks dripping pre - come , in anticipation of sliding into my mouth or my pussy . My , my what more could I want . And I did it all for and with both of them . Jim came off in my mouth while Tom fingered me to a great climax . They took turns sucking , twisting and pulling my very hard nipples , took turns fucking my mouth , took turns fingering me and took turns fucking hell out of me . " " Finally we stopped for awhile and had some more drinks while we rested . After a little while Jim picked me up and took me into the bedroom , Tom came with us . In the bedroom it is a blur what happened next . They fucked me hard and fucked me softly . They fucked me a lot . Over and over they took turns while I wanked off the cock that wasn 't inside me . Jim squarted over my face , facing my feet , and pushed his cock into my mouth while he held my legs high in the air and spread apart so Tom could get maximum penetration . I lapped and sucked his balls and continued to suck him while Tom did me deep and hard . I never gave a thought to Jim being a stranger . They never stopped fucking me until they ran out of condoms . We were all exhausted . " " When I got home Colin wanted to know what had happened like always , but how could I tell him that I had been fucked many times by two men , Tom and the stranger Jim ? I just told him I had , had a good time and Tom had fucked me . I just couldn 't tell him any more . " Russ was so aroused he asked a very un - professional question . " Louise would you mind if I rubbed myself while you talk . This is the horniest story I 've ever heard . " " But it 's time for me to go . I 'll be meeting with Tom again tonight and during the week I 'll be with both of them so I should have a new story next week . " She smiled knowing that Russ wanted her now just as much as Tom or Jim . " Did I ever . Yes I did . You know it 's almost like being their sex slave or something . I mean I love it all but they tell me what to do and I do it . I think it kind of turns them on to tell me what to do and it does turn me on making believe I have to do what they tell me . " She wiggled in her chair and crossed her legs , noticing that Russ was looking at her legs again . " You like my legs don 't you Russ ? It 's OK I like to have you looking at them . " She pulled her shirt up inches higher so he had a good look at her nylons , garter belt and even the side of her panties . He went on with the story . " I went out with Tom a couple of times during the week . We did it in his car and in the park both times . I gave him another good sucking in the ally behind our house and swallowed his hot load of come . It really doesn 't taste like anything special . I just think it 's sexy , and it is erotic to think about . It started out like before , except they were a little bolder . . . I guess I was too . First thing I knew Jim had my skirt up , my panties down and me over his lap and was spanking me . . . on my bear ass I mean . Then they stripped me and made me walk around the living room nude getting drinks and stuff . At first I was embarrassed , I still thought of Jim as a stranger and all , but I got over it and I could tell they really liked looking at me . There was a lot of kissing , touching and sucking . It was a lot of fun really . . . but before long we were off to the bed room . " " Tom fucked me first and I played with Jim 's cock until I came off and then so did Tom . Jim fucked me and then I knelt on the bed and started to suck off Tom , with my ass in the air . Then I felt Jim lapping my pussy and then my ass hole . His tongue pushed into me a little and it really did feel great . . . it made me very horny . Finally Jim said he would like to fuck my ass . I had never done that so I didn 't know what to say finally I said maybe if he was extra careful and promised he would stop when I told him to . He said he would and Tom said I could trust him so I said O . K . It was all very exciting and a little scary . Jim said it would hurt just a little but then would feel good , and said again if it hurt me to much he would stop . A few minutes later with my butt in the air , and some pillows under my tummy Jim spread open my butt cheeks and began lapping my back hole and fingering it . First with one finger then with two and then three . He gently put a lot of Vaseline jelly around the edges of the hole and inside me , then pushed his cock head inside my ass . It just kind of popped in . Oh my that did hurt some but not that bad so I just bit my lip and stayed quiet . Then Jim began to push his cock deeper into my ass . A little at a time his rock hard cock slid deep into me . In a couple of minutes he began to use a fucking motion and I relaxed some . As he stated to move faster I could feel his balls slapping against my inner thighs . . . it began to feel really good and I even came off while he was doing my butt hole . Tom was sucking and biting my nipples while Jim fucked my ass then Jim and I exploded at the same time . I had a great climax when Jim shot his hot come deep inside my ass . I liked it a lot . " ' After a couple of hours we were all exhausted and Tom brought me home . It was a swell night I won 't forget for a long time . But the old problem , ' how can I tell Colin ' ? " She moved in the chair giving Russ another good look at her panty covered crotch . She was enjoying watching him rub his obviously fat , hard cock . " Let 's talk about that again next week Louise . Now our time is up so have a nice week with your friend and try to remember the details . " Russ new he had to get her out of there before he lost control of himself and just grabbed her . She was in a talking mood the next week . Russ hardly had to say a word . He just listened . But this time they sat on the couch it was more intimate Russ had said . " Well it was kind of like before Russ . You know I went out with Tom a couple of nights and we played around like always but to tell you the truth a lot of the fun was starting to disappear . Like letting the air out of a pretty balloon . I don 't know why . We fucked in his car then I sucked him off . But what we did a lot of was talk about meeting up with Jim again . I was getting a funny feeling about Jim and it was confusing . Not all good . Some how I liked him and all that , but at the same time he gave me this funny feeling and I didn 't know why . " Russ had rested his hand on her leg and she left it there . " Well we did go to the trailer and of course Jim was there waiting . It really was fun . When we got to the trailer Saturday , Jim was waiting for us . They gave me some wine and had lemonade them selves . I was sitting on Tom 's knee for awhile and then they had me stand in the middle and strip for them . That is really sexy and I do like it . Then like before Jim put me over his knee and spanked my bare ass . . . but not to hard . I kissed and teased him after he got through spanking me . He is a good kisser and I liked the feel of him playing with my nipples . Then of course it was off to bed with the two men . " Russ undid the front of his pants and brought out his cock . " Hope you don 't mind Louise but this story is so hot I have to play with myself . " He started to masturbate while Louise watched with a shy , sly smile on her pretty lips . She went on with her story . " In the bed room it was kind of crazy and I can 't really remember what order we did things and some times we were doing different things at the same time . I remember that Tom fucked me really hard two times . Some times while one fucked me I would wank off the other , keeping both cocks good and hard . Jim fucked me good once and then while I was kneeling over Tom giving him a blow job , Jim got behind me and started to kiss and lap my dark hole again . I knew what was coming next because he had done it the last time . He pushed his hard cock deep into my ass and kept fucking my ass until he came . I like the ass fuck thing but he really likes it better than pussy . The only trouble Russ is that Jim is getting kind of demanding and not always nice . He asked me if I had ever been with a woman . I told him no and didn 't want to be . Then he said maybe I would like a woman to just do things to me . I don 't know what he thinks I am . I think he may want me to do his wife . But it made me feel uneasy . I think he 's treating me like some kind of bar girl or something . Not like Tom he treats me like a lady . I 'll see how things go this week but I don 't have a good feeling about it . " " Can you do that for me Louise ? Wank me off I mean ? " Russ put her hand on his cock and she began to jerk it up and down . It didn 't take long before he started to shoot cum into the air . Come ran down and over Louise 's hand and stained Russ ' pants . Before she left Russ gave her a long French kiss and felt her tits . She smiled at him , " Not really . . . well yes there is . You know this guy Jim the one that likes to fuck my ass . He 's been getting on my nerves . He asked me again about being with his wife . I told him no once what does he think I am ? I really have decided not to see him again , I think . I 'm confused a little . And it 's not much fun with Tom either . The buzz has gone out of what ever we had . It 's all kind of disappointing . There is no more thrill to it . " Taking her heels off she tucked her feet under herself and went on . " You know Russ the thing is this . I never told Colin about Jim . I didn 't know how . I can barely discuss Tom with him so how can I tell him about this guy . Any way it 's time to end it . Its no fun so why do it . I do like Tom but you were right I should find men I don 't know . That would make it a lot easier . " " Of course if you 're not enjoying the sex anymore or you feel some guilt about Colin , than stop . " Russ was very matter of fact and Louise just looked at him for a moment . " It 's simple . " " Your dam right . . . I will . . . That 's just what I 'll do . Thank you . " Louise left the office without looking back . A woman on a mission . |
Become It Don 't let it touch you . That 's what the old ladies always told us . Don 't let it catch you , don 't let it touch you . It didn 't matter how fast I ran , I could always hear the footsteps behind me . It was a thud and a splat , like a bag of wet garbage being dropped in succession . One after another , they came down again and again . In the pitch black of night , it was hard to keep my feet going one in front of the other . Staying upright was hard , keeping my eyes forward was harder . The street was empty . In this part of town it was all half - built shopping malls and empty lots . Only the occasional car lit up the roadside patch of dead - grass in front of me . When the street lit up , my heart would fill with hope , only to be flattened each time as 3am drivers sped right by . No one was going to see me die . They said it chose bad boys that became bad men . As a mother 's tale it was sound . You didn 't brush your teeth , you didn 't wipe your ass , it would come for you . We were supposed to fear it for life . It didn 't end with your trash chores , the absent father and the abuser could suffer as well . Except they never did , and then bad boys forget . It was close now , I could smell it . It was an odor like rotting eggs drowned in settled mud . I had to fight back the urge to gag . All I could do is push harder . The sound of another car approached . I made the decision , and split off into the road , almost falling to my face as I did . I ran to the middle of the street , and waved my arms as the bright lights of the car 's high beams centered on me . I saw it , before I closed my eyes . It was a silhouette then , the car lights turning it into a creature of shadows . Then I saw nothing , and my body clenched as I waited for the car to run me over . Did they not see it ? Were they blind , or was it invisible . Maybe I was just mad . Another footstep gave me no time to ask further questions . I ran across the street , passing into the lot of a public storage company . It was dark at this hour , with only one light hanging over the gate to the property . There were billions of bad men . Why would anyone think they were the one at risk ? There was an answer though , not one I wanted to recognize . It wasn 't just bad boys who were hunted , it was our bad boys . I thought I was one of billions , but I was one in a dozen , the few boys to survive and continue to be around . Of them , I was the worst . Melrose had a business , CJ was a pastor , Eddie was working two jobs to feed his twins . Then there was me . I slowed down . My breath came in desperate pants , my lungs were burning , my legs ached . It was a dead end . Some idiot thought having a U shape in the garages was a brilliant idea , and now there was nowhere else to go . Coughing , I shuffled to the deepest storage unit , and fought with the lock on it . I tried to ignore the whumps growing louder behind me , and the acrid smell that was filling my lungs with every breath . My eyes were watering , and I was covered in sweat . It was right behind me , I could feel a heat coming off of it . Did it want me to turn around and look at it ? It made a gurgling noise , the sound of a man 's last breath . The skin looked like green boils sliding down it in waves . It was wider and taller than any man , but still shaped like one . But unlike any man , the flesh was fluid , like an endless fountain of the bile and blood that it called a body , spilling in undulating waves . It kept coming , and the longer I looked , the more my stomach tried to crawl up my throat . It wasn 't fair . Melrose was running his dad 's business . CJ grew up in the church , his uncle cared for him , taught him until he had a congregation of his own . Eddie 's mom remarried after his dad died . I was just the child of another bad man , couldn 't it see that ? Didn 't it know I had nothing ? I had to take everything to even get as far as I did . The creature was shrinking as it poured itself over me . The weight built up around my legs and waist . It was a crushing and smothering sensation , the heat and mass . It was becoming hard to breath . No matter how much I fought against it , the force of the flow would just knock me back , pin me to the wall . There was no escaping it , that was what they said . Don 't let it touch you , don 't let it catch you . If it gets you , you become it . " I 'm sorry ! " I shouted into the night . Tears were burning my eyes , " I didn 't mean to hurt her , I 'm so sorry , don 't do this ! " I kept shouting it even as the terrible flesh built up around my neck , and I knew it would suffocate me . I was yelling , but I was thinking more . They were excuses , sure , but I thought of them as additions . I didn 't mean to hurt her , but she swung at me first . I 'm so sorry , but this ain 't my fault . Don 't do this , I don 't deserve it . When it first spilled down my throat , I wanted to retch . Not even that had enough force to counter the flow and the force . It kept coming , it filled me , the sweltering heat over my whole body . There was something inside its shrinking form . I blinked away my tears . It was a man , pale brown skin locked inside the fleeing bubbling mass . Tears were streaming down his face as he took in panicked breaths , the mass no longer choking him . His familiar eyes were locked on me as he cried , they were just like mine . They were my father 's eyes . The old ladies always told us , don 't let it touch you . Don 't let it catch you , or you will become it . It will imprison you , and you will become it . I shared a previous snippet on here with what I would call ' Urban Sci - fi ' , and really I haven 't continued too much further with it . Experimenting with the concept is fun , but so far nothing has felt golden . What I wrote today is a scene set in the same universe as my NaNoWriMo stories , a ' socialist paradise ' cyberpunk world where the corporations were were defeated after years of harsh classic cyberpunk like darkness . Life doesn 't get too much better when the world rewrites itself after years of cyberpunk . The door swung open , letting in a flood of noise from the street . It was the sound of people cursing , jeering , laughing . That meant Tee was home , and he brought friends . " Hey RJ , " Tee said as he walked in and collapsed into the only other seat in the small ' Famdorm ' family apartment , " You looking to get pretty ? " Tee looked like his shirt was wound on too tight , and his pants belonged to a different species entirely . It was all a little colorful , but it was the trend . The colors were defiant , against the endless gray into blue built into so many government built complexes like where RJ lived . He had two others with him , Mark , and Dabble , both nicknames , both kids from the Loop . RJ looked over . The three of them surrounded a low table stacked with boxes from fast food and deliveries , with a small space left for RJ 's mother 's flower vase filled with little white marbles . Tee was smiling at him , showing off the left half of his teeth that had been replaced with plastic - like replacements that gave off fluorescent color in the right light . RJ knew he didn 't forget . It was just how Tee was . RJ could be in the middle of winning them the Sea - Van lottery , and Tee would forget to remind him to turn in the slip . He thrived on conflict , those little moments where it seemed like there was nothing in the world but your own troubles . " Man but it 's hot in here , " Dabble complained as he shut the door and joined the others at the table . Mark was the quiet one . He was also a bit of a punk . That 's where the name came from . You told him what to do , and he turn down his eyes and comply . You could get him to walk into a room of blackcaps in full riot gear if barked hard enough . It was no wonder he got mixed up with the wrong crowd . Tee pulled out a baggie of crudely proportioned uncut tablets of glistening red . He pulled the stick out on the table , and got a small knife to divide it up between them . Mark smiled and rubbed his hands together , Dabble just watched Tee 's hands work . He was talking to RJ , pretended not to notice . Not because he didn 't like Dabble , Dabble was fine . He just didn 't want to talk about Wendy . He had enough problems in life without cutting at festering sores and seeing what fresh stuff he could pull out of them . That was Tee being a friend , for what it was worth . RJ 's display popped up a picture from a shooting the night before . Well , it was pictures of the crime scene , with Sea - Van law surrounding the point of the murder . Mark must have seen it from where he sat , " That that scene near the underground ? " " No suspect , no weapon , " RJ added , scrolling down . Dabble was right , this explained all the cops . An NAB official gets shot in their neighborhood , they had something to prove . They wanted to pin someone down . Boys on the street were going to suffer for it , he had seen it so many times before . They were going to be harassed , searched , a few would probably end up in the hospital . He was going to have to stay off the streets , he needed his record to stay clean for the job interview . Corporate didn 't like recent arrests , especially if it was related to one of their own . Even finding a chance at a job was hard enough , especially one that would pay good enough to get him out of the dorms . Losing it all to a wave of random arrests would be one more burn in his crisp black history . RJ turned and saw a plain white box sitting on the table with the rest of the trash there . It didn 't have any real distinguishing marks , but looked used . It looked like Tee accidentally ran his arm into it while cutting . It wasn 't RJ 's . Back on his console , RJ had a message . It was anonymous , which meant it was probably junk . He still hit it , and a username that was just a series of numbers popped up . RJ picked it up , and turned the box over in his hands . It was almost as long as his arm , but not nearly as deep . It opened with a clasp that was tied with a zip tie . Whatever it was , he was sure it wasn 't his . It was an SSW 9mm ' Predator ' pistol . The gun had a long black barrel , the nu - safety technology that had become common . Still , the weapon looked worn . There was a magazine emptied , with slots where ammunition would sit beneath the magazine 's space . Only four bullets were in the case . Then there was a scream outside , and all heads turned . There was a muffled popping noise , and a distant whine . Tee shot to the door , opening the viewport and peeking out . His back went stiff , and RJ could see that he was ready to run already . A bus ? They were going to take anyone that looked young and dark enough to have shot someone , and process them all . At least the ones they didn 't leave facedown in a puddle of their own blood . Worse , he was holding a gun that wasn 't his , while a killer was on the run somewhere . " We gotta clean this up , " Tee said as he looked around . He snatched up the remaining tabs of Sparkle , slapping Mark 's tab out of his hand , " Help me stupid , they 're coming in here . " Even Dabble stared at it . A little box of trouble dropped into their lives . The NAB didn 't take kindly to weapons at all , but a gun like this would get them locked up for a long time . Just having his prints on that box would be enough to get RJ sent away . what else could be done ? Fight off a whole complex full of cops ? Take on Blustar and fight their way across the country ? They had to hide , but there was no hiding . He went back to his console , his eyes flashing to that stranger in a chat window . There was a new message , a winking emote . It was always something . Life could never get easier . 08 / 08 / 2015 by MD Kid Categories : Fiction | Tags : amwriting , Black , creative writing , cyberpunk , saturday scenes , urban What , a saturday scene with a priest in it ? Surely Marshall is responding to the historic announcement yesterday ? Nope , I 'm just messing with a draft that happens to have a priest main character . Though I might talk about Friday later this week , my views on it aren 't really necessary . This is part of a sequel to a previous Nanowrimo . I don 't often do first person , mostly because I sort of throw words out in a mix of past and present tense , which comes out garbled . Either way , here we go . If any of the details of the religion itself throw you off , just remember it doesn 't matter . All of their eyes are locked on me . Some of them are powerful people , business owners , veterans , doctors , family heads . In their day to day life they are in charge , but in this moment , they all look to the pulpit and listen . I adjust my vestment with a hand , and scan the crowd . " I tell them , love isn 't a rose , not metaphorically or physically , with thorns and all . Though they never believe me , I tell them that if they want to feel the true warmth of Jua , they don 't need anything but the spirit he earned you , and defends for you . " The lecture was about being close to god . I spent the two nights before preparing it after the Wilt family kid came to me and asked if god and his mates loved him or not . There , out in the grass behind the temple , I fumbled . I could only tell him what I 'm sure his mother had told him before , ' rest assured , you are loved . ' " We must recognize the signs that are already there , " I said tilting my voice up , " We feel love every day of our lives . Love is that sickening feeling in your gut when someone is attacked , or in pain . It rips at your insides , keeps you up , boils your blood . That 's how I know I love this community , that 's how I know I love god . " They cheered as the sermon peaked , and I looked down to the front row among the clapping patrons . Hans was there , in a pressed suit with his well - trimmed hair , smiling up at me . I couldn 't help but grin back . " We can look to the stories , " I continued , bringing my voice back down , " I can tell you the line ; moon chapter 4 line 22 , clash chapter 1 line 10 . I can throw quotes at you all day but that won 't mean a thing unless you leave yourself open to seeing him , and loving him . Then you will know what he feels in return for everyone , and you will understand that you are loved . " The crowd turned to chanting , and I could hear old Eliza swooning in the back rows . It wasn 't just rhetoric , I could feel the fluttering in my stomach there in front of everyone . It felt like my body , chest outward , was radiating vital essence of the divine . I concluded , and they left row by row , stopping to hold hands , say passing words to each other , give a pat on the back . I Turned , and he smiled down , but it wasn 't the same smile as before . It was crafted , strained . It didn 't take long to see why . " Priestess , " He said with a level of mirth the statement didn 't need , " That 's exactly why I stopped in today . I 'm glad I did , that sermon was exquisite . You really are a touch of the divine , I felt infused by every word . " Compliments were the weapons of kings , both good and evil . There was no way to avoid them , so I let them wash over me , and took what good I could knowing the man in front of me . " Do you want to go to my office ? " I offered . I put a finger to side of my lips , and I saw the governor twitch as I did . The motion was instinctive , but I regretted it anyway . Even if he was so open to manipulating me , it didn 't do to manipulate him in return . That wasn 't my place , and never would be . " All ready to go , dear ? " Hans said when the governor was far enough away . He looked tired , even though he wasn 't the one who just finished talking for a few hours . I had a lot of planning to do . Important people would be in town , and I had a duty to fulfill . Not just to the community , and by that the governor as well , but to Jua himself . Sorry folks , I was in Canada last Saturday , so I forgot to post this . Well here it is now , a sort of culmination to the previous werewolf stories . It includes everyone 's favorite extra NPC , Lt . Spatz . Sixth Ranger There was a rustle in the bushes . It was more than just the wind , larger than some rabbit . People were moving , and people meant danger . They always do . A little girl popped into the clearing , chasing a grasshopper , wearing a small backpack and colorful boots with a cartoon character on the side . She looked around , and her eyes filled with wonder at the animal she saw lying there in the little den . A woman came into the clearing , wearing hiking gear and a larger pack than the child . She was dismissive at first , reaching for her daughter 's hand to pull her aside . Then she saw the wolf , and her whole body went rigid . She pulled the girl close , and tried to be still . He laid back down . Who did that lady think she was , calling him shaggy ? He looked at the sun , rising high in the air , and decided he needed to go . He rose once more , trotted through the underbrush , and continued down the hillsides until he could smell the indistinguishable scent of port - a - potties , hot dogs , and motor oil . His perspective rose , and he could feel his body twisting beneath his skin . Spatz pushed through a bush , and sat down on a bench at the edge of the park . He let out a sigh . There was relief there , he had to tell himself that . Somehow , life was a little better than before , if only a little . Then his phone started to vibrate out of control . It buzzed , and buzzed , and buzzed until he could pull the iPhone out of his pocket and check it . Five voicemails , at least fifteen texts , the phone stopped counting . He was going to look through the list of missed calls , but then Meredith began calling . He picked it up , leaned his head back , " Yes ? " He could tell she was stressed . Considering everything that was going on , he wasn 't surprised . She was trying to construct a new pack , pay respects to the old , and lead a war . He didn 't envy her . She was talking to someone else in the background . Spike ? The two new entries were still adjusting to how Meredith did business . To tell the truth , he trusted Cam and Mike more , and that 's saying a lot since he was sure Cam wanted to fight him . That tied Spatz ' stomach in a knot . If she was talking about Levi , she would say so , wouldn 't she ? Maybe , he knew Meredith kept secrets , who didn 't have secrets ? Still , he prided himself on having some idea what she was planning . It said , " Have werewolves ever thought of just , not wearing leather ? " Spatz tried to read it again , but it didn 't make any additional sense . Was he drinking ? Hopefully not . He walked in on the scene , and saw Chicago PD swarming everywhere . They were taking forensics , orders were being shouted back and forth . He sniffed , and the scents in the room made him want to pinch his nose . " What are you doing here , Lieutenant Spatz right ? " asked a Lieutenant from Chicago he saw now and again . The guy was tall , and a hard - ass , real territorial . Unfortunately , he had other loyalties that meant he wasn 't all that useful as a contact . He was waved into the hall , and Spatz could feel the air get thicker as they walked . They reached a staircase , and the Lieutenant pointed for him to walk down . They got to the bottom , and reached a room covered in tribal gear and chiminage . The walls and ground were painted in blood that stank of something strange . There were two more scents , ones Spatz couldn 't mistake for anything else . Later that morning he was at Naperville central . He was out back of the school , and Mike was attempting to do his best impersonation of a shadow on the wall . " They aren 't saying anything because they don 't know anything , " Spatz said , an arm against the wall , " But they can 't smell you on the knife Mike , I can . " Spatz flared his nostrils , " No , you 're not in trouble . But I know the knife is yours , and they are freaking out in there . You can 't have knives at school , I 'm pretty sure that is in the rulebook somewhere . " That was the ' I didn 't read the notebook ' shrug . Spatz let out a groan , and ran his hand down his face . His phone buzzed , and he pulled it out to check it . Mike started to walk away , and Spatz called out to him . The boy turned around . He hadn 't exactly done anything to anyone , and considering what all attacked them at the school in the past , it wasn 't the stupidest idea to have a knife . It was just dangerous , and illegal . Mike shook his head , and then went back inside . Spatz was pretty sure he saw a smirk there . A little later he was outside an ice cream parlor . She sat at the bench - table , and seemed oblivious to what he was asking . Then her face lit up , " Oh , yeah . So we weren 't able to catch him . Still , we looked up the crystals , and they were a bunch of hippy stuff , a lot of articles about clearing the mind and helping stress . The kind of stuff mom would probably use . Then Jennifer and Dick were talking about hunting down other shifters to see what they knew , and I tried to tell them that they wouldn 't know anything , but they just kept talking about finding them and hurting them . She is such a bitch . " Spatz nodded , and ignored his phone going off in his pocket . He was losing track of what she was talking about , but it seemed like she was interacting with the local Pure girl . If they recruited her , what would they do with her ? Most Pure would rather rip a Forsaken to shreds than use them for some scheme . " Then I started thinking about Leonard , and they might hurt him , and I started crying . So I tried to call him , and he wasn 't answering . With all this weird stuff going on , what if he is already hurt ? I would just die . " He had no idea who Leonard was . Did he forget , or was Leonard just not important ? " Oh my god , what if he is just ignoring me ? " Sylvia said , her eyes going wide , " Oh my god , that dick . I 'll punch him . Well , maybe not , he got beat up pretty bad the other month . Still , I told him I liked him , and he said he liked me too . I can 't believe him ! " Later that day he was in a counseling office with a young man named Jacob . Mundane as far as he could tell , the boy just decided to try to make a weapon at school during shop class and use it against another student . " No one is going to press charges today , " Spatz said , " Still , you need to ask yourself where you were going with this . I know it seems like this world is everything today , but trust me there is a whole big world out there , and attacking someone like that can - " Spatz took a deep breath , held a finger up , and then plucked his phone out . It was Levi . He silenced it , and put it back . " Do you have somewhere to be ? " The kid said , his voice hoarse from an earlier screaming match with the faculty . " No , " He said , " I 'm here . " Cam had his bag in hand , full of what Spatz had to guess was boxing gear . There were other kids with him , none of which Spatz recognized . Cam looked at them , and the others laughed before Cam jogged over to the window . As far as Spatz could tell , getting Cam to trust you was the hard part . How Levi had ever managed it was a mystery that Spatz had never figured out . Spatz didn 't want to call it trust issues , with the bit of the guy 's history that he knew , he was right to keep himself distant . Still , he had some friends right there , that 's better than before . " I don 't know if you 've been watching the news , " Cam said , " But a Black guy jumping into a police car , not the safest scenario . " Spatz started to laugh , but let it fall off . He wasn 't exactly sure how to respond to that one . Cam looked over his shoulder , and waved goodbye to the rest of his group . Spatz smirked , " Wild right ? Not all the time , no . It helps control the chaos . We can 't just jump at every fight that pops up , sometimes you need rules . The hunt is the game . It makes it like a soccer game , sets up the boundaries , and defines the players . " There was a little regret there . Spatz could hear it . That wasn 't Cam 's fight , maybe it wasn 't the best time to bring him in . He didn 't know what the shifters were doing , he didn 't feel the pressure to get revenge against the Pure . Cam didn 't get to finish his sentence , a mess of fur and screams hit the sidewalk next to them . It looked like it fell out of an abandoned apartment building . It rolled over , scrambled to its feet , stood up like a man . Spatz shrugged , " Beshilu are always around . Another werewolf thing . Father wolf couldn 't destroy them , so they spread around the world , getting their revenge on us for always hunting them . " He tried not to roll his eyes . He was drinking at a younger age , though beers instead of colorful cocktails . " You 're kind of extra grumpy today , " Levi said as he went into the motel room freezer and pulled out a small assortment of alcohol . She wasn 't , it already started . Spatz didn 't bother explaining that , he knew what Levi 's response would be . Still , shifters and werewolves didn 't always get along , and that is just how it was . He was risking a lot even being there . What if Levi was also working with the Pure ? What if that was why Sylvia was so close to Jennifer ? What if he was just being played , or lead into a trap . What would be his excuse to Meredith when she found out he put central Illinois at risk , over what ? He didn 't have time to be guilt - tripped . He put on his coat , and went to the door . " Call me tomorrow , " Spatz said as he opened the door . There , peeking from behind the clouds , the full moon . He could feel it , like the heat of the sun at high noon , burning against his skin . Another werewolf might give in to it , another werewolf might have looked for bloodshed , or at least some act of violence or passion . Spatz walked around to the back of the motel , and his body began to shift . He fell to all fours , and let out a howl that made the night tremble . This was his night , and he had a long run ahead of him . Meredith was silent on the other side of the line . " Fine , " She said , " Can you pick up the boy ? I want him to join us tonight , and he seems reluctant . " " Yes ma ' am , " Spatz said . Then she hung up , and Spatz let out all the air in his lungs . Another day , and more work ahead . Time for a little more Werewolf storytime . This one follows one of the last two members of my group 's pack . His history is interesting , because his character development was shifted when he took the life of an enemy and the pack started to view him as less than stable . After that , his mother vanished from his house . He didn 't have it easy . A Good Boy Chicago was weird . Compared to the suburbs of Naperville , it was like living in a maze of neighborhoods . The world was always screaming , people shouting , cars roaring , and machines rumbling . At first it can make it hard to survive . Perseverance makes anything possible . It was bright enough out that Tim had his shades on . He pulled his backpack close , and looked back and forth across the street . There were buildings everywhere , half of them poorly marked offices and the others small shops and businesses that Tim had no interest in . The dog stayed close to his heels , stopping whenever he stopped , sniffing at people who passed Tim on the sidewalk . There was no hesitation . That was an aspect of spirits that Tim liked , when it was in his favor . The weaker ones rarely played games . Games were alien to them . The dog was at his feet , panting and looking around . A few people walking around were looking at him like he was insane . Maybe he was , at least a little bit . This whole adventure was starting to feel strange , like a dream . Though , what did that say about him . Becoming a giant beast , fighting other furred monsters , channeling spirits , that felt real . Chicago was dreamlike . Trying to maintain his GPA in undergrad studies , that was foreign . Tim could feel himself breathing too hard . Something was rumbling to the fore , a sensation like panic and anger all mixed in one . " Thank you , " Tim said . He went into his backpack , and pulled out a picture of him and the rest of the pack , taken in front of a pool back in Naperville . He found some gum on the pavement , and stuck the picture to the ground , at the edge of the camera 's view . " Come on boy , " Tim motioned and started to walk again . What was his mother doing here just a week ago ? Multiple watcher spirits had seen her , and he was closing in . Still , she always seemed ahead . To make it worse , his original suspicions weren 't true . None of the packs knew who she was . He consulted with a few Bone Shadow tribesman , and they couldn 't do much more than tell him to seek the aid of spirits . He was starting to fear the worst . Maybe his mother was a Pure . Maybe he should have taken Sylvia 's advice , let her come and sniff his mother out . This was his problem though . He didn 't want to join a war , and he wasn 't joining Meredith . With Levi off doing whatever , he was all by himself . He stopped and gave the dog a rub on the head . It barked softly , and Tim pulled out a treat . Later they would go and hunt , find a fresh kill , and Tim could relax . He stood and looked at the building in front of him . It wasn 't marked with a name , but there was something about the logo . There were two birds there , based on their heads they looked like eagles . His mind went back to the letter from his mother , and the two feathers he found inside . Tim looked down , " I guess we better check it out . Keep quiet though . " He walked inside , and a secretary behind a desk smiled at him . The whole business looked like a meeting house . There weren 't any brochures , or signs . Nothing was welcoming to strangers , if you weren 't looking for this place you could walk in walk out and never know where you were . Shit . Tim could feel a million thoughts bubbling to the surface , but none of them were going to get him past a simple secretary . Maybe he should just run out , pretend he was in the wrong building . It was easier than looking at that smiling face and waiting for the word - puke to come out . This was a breakthrough . There was no other way to see it . His mother wanted him to find this place , wanted him to know she was going to come here . What was here ? He walked over to a plaque , covered with a few first names , the two - bird logo , and saw ' TEL elders ' . " Two - eagle league ? Twin - eagle lodge ? A million other possibilities . He could ask , except that might look strange if he was supposed to be here . He would ask a spirit , except this building seemed mostly barren . The man smiled , and looked down at the dog . " Someone 's a little protective . Hi , I 'm Ray . You said Kirsten recommended you ? " He needed to run . He needed to turn tail and bolt as soon as he could . Still , they knew his mother . His mother lead him here , and they knew anything about her . He had to stay for now . He nodded , and followed as Ray walked down a hall . The building wasn 't barren . The resonance was dark . This building had a locus , he could feel that now . It had a locus , and something was feeding on it . They walked past rooms that looked like small meeting rooms , like classrooms for children . Chalkboards , pictures of the outdoors , books piled on tables . " That 's okay , " Ray said , " If Kirsten wanted you here , that means she had her reasons . We have a history as environmentalists . Our lodge is at the forefront of the fights against Keystone , the pollution of Lake Michigan , even issues far away from Illinois . Recently we 're looking to expand , move our operations from something grassroots to something everyone in Chicago can be part of . " They went through a door , and Tim followed Ray down a thin staircase . He could feel something in the air , a sort of energy . This wasn 't just essence , it wasn 't just spirits , there was something else at play . What was his mother mixed up in ? They reached the landing , a small room . Two others were there , cleaning up damage . Was there a fight here ? He could smell it , blood was shed , recently , just days ago ? Was she there ? He could smell her in the mess , an old scent . It wasn 't quite mom , something was different . " Who is this ? " Said one of the men with a large broom in hand . This place , it wasn 't some environmentalist room . The center of the room , it had a large circle curved into the concrete foundation . A strange character was drawn there . It was repeated on the walls , crystals hung from the walls . It looked like a sort of tribal spiritualism , mixed with new age nonsense . Still , the power here was real . " You 've barked up the wrong tree , " Ray said , shrugging , " Uratha . " Who was Skyblossom ? Why would mother call herself Skyblossom ? " Tell me what you know about Kirsten English , " Tim said , putting his backpack down , " And I 'll let you keep going . " Claimed . Their bodies latched onto by terrible spirits . He couldn 't tell what they were , possibly magath . It infested them , a sick essence that leaked at the seams . The whole room was tainted with it . Why would his mom ever be here ? What was she hiding ? Ray 's arm started to twist and meld , until it became sharp like a knife . The others dropped their tools , and their bodies also began to warp . " Fine , " Tim whispered . He had a name now , that was enough , a new start . He could feel his body warping , the panic and anger gripping his heart as it exploded in size . He shook his head , and his shades fell away to reveal an eye misted with a field of stars . His whole body pulsed with muscle , his mind retreating in the face of the monster he was letting loose . This was their choice . A better Uratha might have had control . In the chaos that ensued , they might have been reserved and taken their time . The twisted spirits might have gained an upper - hand in those moments of hesitation . Tim didn 't let that happen . They weren 't powerful spirits , or particularly smart . They wanted to outnumber him , but he overpowered them . His claws ripped into sinew , and his jaws bit deep into their twisted flesh . They became more monstrous as the fighting continued , and Tim responded in kind . The chaos they were cleaning up was renewed , blood spread on the walls , claw marks across the occult symbols . When he finished , only one was still breathing , lying in a mess on the floor . " Come , " Tim said . The dog bounded to his side . They started back up the steps . As they made their way back to the front desk , Tim noticed the girl hiding behind the counter . Maybe he would txt Levi . Still , there was something he didn 't understand . The Claimed on the floor , he wasn 't taunting Tim with his silence . That look on his face when Skyblossom was brought up again , it was fear . A spirit so afraid of his mom they would stay silent and be destroyed ? I almost forgot to post fiction , on Saturday . What a travesty that would have been . Another Werewolf fiction , coming at you . This one featuring our group 's favorite little alpha in training , Sylvia . Sylvia walked out of the community center with her phone in hand . She waved goodbye to some of the kids , and then headed toward her car . It was the middle of the day now , she had the whole evening ahead of her . She could spend some of that heading back to her apartment on the Northside , or see what Kimiko was up to , or go on a run , or maybe Tessa wanted to chat . Jennifer 's hands came down on Sylvia 's wrist . She squeezed tight until the keys slipped free and fell to the concrete . When Sylvia looked up , Jennifer still had that same expression . " You 're in my territory , " Jennifer said , " I told you before . Your pack is gone , you gave up your claim . This is my pack 's land now . " Ever since they all broke up , Sylvia was the only one really left in town . Sure Mike and Cam came by to visit family , but then they were gone just as fast . Then Jennifer stuck her fat nose into everything . " You mean your dad 's pack ? " Sylvia said . She regretted it as soon as she said it . Unfortunately , the thought just popped up , and came out of her mouth . Jennifer was always so sensitive about everything . She was supposed to be evil , Sylvia had to be careful . She jumped into her car , and as Jennifer stood there brooding , she drove off into central Naperville . It was a nice day , the wind kept her cool , and she could relax . At least , it was close to relaxing . Every time she thought about it all , she got twisted up inside . It felt like she was going to puke , or cry , or both . She missed the past , which is weird because it included a lot of scary stuff , and nearly dying . Going to college was the last idea on her mind then , and here she was . That smell . It was like , dust , fungus , strange wood . She got out of her car , and walked around to the roadside . There was a small bit of woods there , and she knew if she followed it west , it would keep going until it hit a reserve . She looked both ways , and then covered her face with both hands before she started walking forward . There was the small snap and shift as her nose changed into a snout . She sniffed again , and got even more . This wasn 't normal , whatever it was . At the same time , it was a little familiar . When she was far enough from the road , she pulled out her phone and looked at it . She took a deep breath , stuffed it back in her pocket , and hunched forward . The ripple of the change went through her . It was a lot like shrinking , with the world rushing away from her , and finding yourself with a new perspective . Her paws were damp from the grass . She could feel her sharp teeth locked in place . She was free , loose , a full wolf . She shook her fur , walked in a circle , and then sniffed at the ground . Whatever it was , whoever , they had walked this way . She let out a small bark as she started to run . The wind rushed past her , the trees brushed against her . Occasionally , she stopped and sniffed again . Male , a little older than her , hurt ? It had the smells of the city , but not , a little too country . She charged forward again , sniffing at the air , feeling a change in the winds . Whoever it was , they were up ahead . It wasn 't the first time a strange scent popped up in Naperville . Hopefully this one wasn 't a rat - monster , or some weird spirit . Those kinds of things were hard to deal with , and sometimes she just had to leave them alone . It wasn 't like she was a pack all by herself . Well , she kind of was . When she got close , she felt something new . Her fur was standing on end , there was power here . Magic stuff , Tim 's stuff . She looked between the trees , There was a big boulder there , large enough to have a few other rocks in the same outcropping . It looked like someone had cleared it of trees once , maybe they used it as a little ritual circle , or just a campsight . There in front of it was a guy , cross - legged . He was sitting in a pattern dug in the grass , almost like a large symbol . She could hear it , he was whispering . The guy turned around . When their eyes met , for a moment , the guy wasn 't all there . It was like he was looking through her , his eyes just ornaments in his head . Then he shook his head , and started to fidget . he stood up and backed against the rock . He was a rabbit shifter . They met him before , trying to steal from one of those crazy spider - creatures . He almost died last time , and then he said he was never coming back . Except , now here he was . She remembered , he smelled hurt . Now that she looked at him , in his dirty jeans and some beat up shirt , he just looked like a hitchhiker . He didn 't seem hurt . Well , maybe a little twitchy , maybe he was emotionally hurt . Could she smell people 's depression ? She didn 't know if that was awesome or not . Sylvia turned , and saw that Jennifer was coming up behind her , with Dick Worth in tow . There was another boy there , younger even than Dick . Sylvia realized she didn 't know how big Jennifer 's pack was . Jeremy 's took a step away from the rock . He was sweating now . Last time Sylvia saw him , he was a jerk , but he at least kept his cool . Something changed , and she didn 't know what it was . Why was he so worried ? She could figure that out after she kicked Jennifer 's ass . They turned and looked at each other . There wasn 't anger there like last time , Jennifer looked concerned . She pointed to the weird stuff by the rock , and started to walk over . So far , Jennifer had only ambushed her twice in her life , not counting today . That was still a good track record . It was two to one now , but maybe she could get away if she really needed to . She walked over and kneeled by the little shrine Jeremy was building . " Maybe it is a ritual or something , " Sylvia said . Then she thought better of giving Jennifer any good ideas , " Wait , nevermind . It can 't be that right ? " Jennifer stood up , " So you don 't know anything then ? What about the others ? The little guy , Tim , maybe he could figure this out . " " That 's such a bad guy thing to do , " Sylvia said , " Just following someone into the woods . You don 't know what I was doing out here . Maybe I was jogging , or streaking . " " I know you 're just trying to help the city , " Jennifer said , " So I 'm being nice . I 'm not like my dad , I know when to put my teeth away . Still , if you stop being useful , I 'm putting you on a bus to Chicago . " She opened up a text message , " OMG , I sniffed something in NPville . You would be so proud . I nearly got killed , but it was weird , so I followed it . It was something strange , and I found Jeremy , or Jamal , whatever . He was there , and acting weird . Then guess who 1 of 2 " " Showed up ? Jennifer . She is such a bitch , but she wouldn 't fight me . I think she likes me . What if she was mad in love with me ? Wouldn 't that be weird , like a secret undying love ? I think she is good now , maybe . Whatever , her pack is helping . So I will figure it out , until you come back . Then you can help . 2 of 2 " For this Saturday , more Werewolf stories . Once again , I did some fiction work to prepare my players for more sessions . I was surprised how much they enjoyed them , so I went all the way to 4 ( with a 5th one that I haven 't finished yet ) . Here you go . Why Spatz was still doing this for him was something Levi was still trying to figure out . It was hard enough getting everything else in his life in order . At least this one thing wasn 't a problem . He didn 't have to show his face in town , which lead to the best benefit of all . " Are you hungry or something ? " Levi said , jumping up from the couch . He leaned forward for a second and hissed as pain shot through his arm . When he looked up , Spatz was watching him . Spatz liked to pretend he wasn 't observant . Levi couldn 't decide if he liked that trait , or hated it . Maybe that was part of being Meredith 's lapdog , no telling the alpha - bitch what you noticed until it was the right time . It was a message . Not exactly what he wanted to hear . It was another strange happening in Chicago , another shifter dropped out . Thankfully it wasn 't one he knew well , he was getting tired of losing friends . Instead this was just more proof of a bigger picture . He wanted to know about the smell . No wonder that woman kept Spatz around . He was completely loyal , to a fault . He was like a worried puppy , doing whatever it took to figure out why his master was sad . Levi was sure that Meredith 's biggest mistake was ordering Spatz to watch out for his pack . Levi had eyes in the woods . When someone decided to take a stroll toward him , he could make himself scarce . The problem was , his crows never saw Mr . Trenchcoat enter the forest . There was no car , or bicycle . He came out of nowhere . He looked too human to be spirit stuff , but Levi knew from experience that you never knew what was strange about someone until they let you know . Then Levi let out a loud caw , and dropped on his head . Whoever this idiot was , he didn 't expect a giant bird - man . Levi laid into him with his claws , doing whatever damage he could before the man could recover . " Okay , okay , " He said , " Magic leaves a residue . If you can see it , it is pretty easy to recognize unique signatures . Your magic is … primitive , freaky . I wanted to know why . " Levi looked at him , and thought about it . The word cages was still ringing around in his head . He knew even then that Spatz was going to be mad at him for this . Spatz nodded , and mulled it over from his seat . " We haven 't figured ours out either . The pure , the other werewolves , are acting strange . They have switched up their tactics . A lot less killing , a lot more recruiting . " Levi 's phone chimed , and he pulled it out . It was a message from Sylvia . Something was happening in Naperville , she also mentioned something about Jennifer , and undying love . Levi had trouble getting through it all without his eyes glazing over . I asked myself , ' why don 't I ever write anything surreal ? ' Besides being an odd question to ask yourself , it was also a bad time to ask myself . I have a lot of stuff I should be writing , so trying another project right now was a terrible idea . Still , I started a story , and here it is . Hold on to your butts . There was a knock at the door . Arty didn 't answer . He was looking at the painting on the wall of the hospital room . It took up a sizeable piece of the far wall . Men being mauled by lions , the browns in their faces distorted and lengthened as the beasts bit down on them . It was obviously a fake , who put a real painting in a hospital room ? The door cracked , and someone popped their head in . He couldn 't tell who , not until he heard the heavy footsteps on linoleum . They had a snap to them , each bootfall had emotional weight with them . It was Clark . Arty could see him now , pulling up a chair by the hospital bed . Carl was all shoulders , hunched forward , his eyes twisted up in sadness . Arty did this to him . He was different before . Taller , wider , brighter . Before Arty had to sit in hospital rooms , staring at paintings . Clark let his words hang in the air . He sniffled , and Arty could hear him squeezing his hat in his grip . It was painful , watching Clark sink into himself , become more tears and sobs than man . Back on the force , he was larger than life . He was always the man - of - action , could push Arty into doing anything . Now he had a leak he couldn 't plug . He was pouring over Arty 's sheets , occasional blinks stymying the flow . The old man had been stuck in the face , and he was letting it all out . Arty turned , his eyes focusing in on Clark . " It is your kind of case . Me , I don 't know what to do with it . You know how it is , if I can 't shake someone down , I 'm lost . " Clark laughed , but it didn 't stop the tears . This was interesting , it was something to do , anything besides sitting , waiting , listening . " Tell me everything , " Arty said . Clark shook his head , " I don 't know . Maybe I shouldn 't be bothering you with this . I don 't want you stuck with this . " He knew he couldn 't shake Clark . " Hell , " Clark said , " Whatever . You aren 't here for sappy stories . Plus I thought of you as soon as I walked in on the case . " ' You should have seen this place . It was beautiful , Victorian style , everything redone . Inside it was Oak everywhere , the floors , the cabinets , the walls . ' When he opened them again , he was in the doorway . A stairwell lead off into a black wall of shadow , one turn left into the sitting room , old oak bookshelves and tables . It was the sort of house you inherit , but keep in great condition . It was a house that had history . The kitchen was even better , all new installations , with nods to the past . Pictures hung from the walls , faceless people watching looking back at Arty as he walked through . ' There were signs of a struggle , but only inside . Blood smeared across the floor , pictures knocked from the wall . Then I saw her . She was your type Art . Her skin was as smooth as silk , curves in all the right places , that short black hair . Her make up made her look like a doll , those bright red lips , eyes bold against pale skin , shit . ' She walked into the room . She was wearing red , and had that slight smile when you meet eyes with someone for the first time . Her eyeliner pulled back to the side , like an imitation of some actresses Cleopatra . What was she doing here , in this room ? Why was she dressed so nice , was she going somewhere ? In a house like this , was this her lifestyle , wake up and dress to impress ? He needed to know more , he wanted to know her . He heard the pop . Her eyes went wide , and the dark hole drilled through her forehead . She didn 't gasp , didn 't cry out . She just collapsed backwards , struck the hardwood floor like a sack of meat . " Damnit , Clark , " Arty said , " Damn you . " ' I can 't figure it out . He didn 't drag her out there . The blood is her husband , dead upstairs . He dragged the fool to his bed . As far as forensics understands , Mr . Moon was dead first , then the monster came back , found her , and killed her with one shot . He didn 't take a thing , the house was intact , no locks broken . He came in , and sent a message , and the only man who knows what it is got the same damn treatment ! ' Arty looked away from Mrs . Moon . Clark was in the kitchen now , leaning over the bed . Arty walked over and put a hand on his shoulder . Clark put a hand out and grabbed Arty 's hand on the bed , his real hand , laid out with tubes sticking out of every hole they could find . To Arty it was a white mess , a hole he didn 't bother filling . It was the splotch he didn 't need to fill to see the puzzle complete . Clark 's chair screeched against the floor , " You be strong . I know you 'll come out of it buddy . You owe me a beer , remember ? " She leaned against the doorframe , her arms crossed across her chest . Mrs . Moon smiled at him , and then walked to the cabinets in the kitchen . She opened one , and pulled out two glasses . He pulled up a chair to his bed , and sat down . Something else was lingering on his mind , and he couldn 't lock it down . It was hard to figure out , especially when she was in the room . His eyes couldn 't help but follow her , the curve of her back , the twist of her fingers as she held both cups under the tap . A rumble shook the house . Arty looked around . The door Clark left through , it was dark outside the window . All the windows , they were black , he was alone here , with her . She put a glass down in front of him , and pulled up a seat on the opposite side of the table . There was a growl from outside the kitchen , like a tiger locked in a cage . He could feel it on the side of his face , as if it was right there . The sound of it made the house tremble , but still , he knew it wasn 't here yet . I GM a lot of tabletop roleplaying . Well , I used to do more , but now I get into it now and again . Two years ago I ran a game of White Wolf 's Werewolf : The Forsaken . A game that is typically about scary werewolves dealing with scarier werewolves and terrifying spirits . Instead , we morphed the game to be about high school kids who had to deal with spirits while worrying about who to take to prom . That game randomly stalled and ended in 2013 . I still talk with all of the players . So when it was brought up again , I decided to do something weird . I wrote some ' fanfiction ' of our game . It was argued that it isn 't fanfiction , because I wrote the story . Still , the primary characters are not mine , so to me , outright controlling them in a short story , is odd . Here is one of those stories now , about two years after the original plot . It was impossible to focus . There were chattering voices everywhere , new scents and sounds , but that wasn 't the worst part . It was the eyes . No matter where Mike looked , everyone was looking at them . A voice boomed at the end of the Chicago dive bar . It was some biker - looking guy with a beard that needed trimming and eyes that looked bloodshot . Mike had gathered just from the time in the room that he was important , probably lead a pack of his own . A few other men in biker jackets cheered as he started to talk . Mike put a finger up to shush him . For a brief moment he could actually feel Cam get angry . He didn 't know if that was some more strange magic stuff , or if he was just that used to Cam . " This is it ! " The man shouted , " This is the night we have waited for . This is when we take back blood for blood lost , and we show our ' cousins ' what it means to be a hunter . No cheap tricks , no games , no distractions . This will be war , and they will cry to the heavens for a general worth the battle they have called down on them . " The crowd erupted around them . Mike knew a little of what they were talking about , their battles with other werewolves , the ' war in Chicago ' . It kept encroaching on Naperville , it kept pushing their little ' pack ' , if it had ever been that , until everything fell apart . There were still a pair of eyes on him , and Mike found them at the front of the room . It was a woman he knew all too well . She was sitting in one chair of three set in a line , her legs crossed and her eyes focused down on Mike . " But this fight isn 't just ours , brothers , " The beard man said , " This is for all of us here in Chicago , that is what a war is . Our packs must stand together . That 's why tonight 's hunt belongs to the first to lose a Wolf - brother , Shifting - Winds . " Somehow Mike didn 't feel like his safety was her main concern . This felt like a recruitment drive . There was food , he was being paid pointless attention . If Spatz was in an army uniform , it would be like any other army recruiter he saw at school . Meredith cleared her throat , and a silence passed over the crowd . She narrowed her eyes and looked over the room . Mike had to admit , she commanded respect from her own . As far as he knew though , she also got a lot of her own killed . Long - claw , and wasn 't there another ? At least Levi never lost anyone . " I left Chicago for a reason , " Meredith started , " It was just over 10 years ago we were at each other 's throats . We didn 't care if it was Pure , or Uratha , we went for the throat . Chicago has a history , of cutting itself apart , and then crying in the pool of blood . We are both the criminal and the victim . Except that isn 't the story of the Forsaken , or the tribes of the moon . " " When Father Wolf fell , there was chaos , and there was blood . No one , not even his first born , could set this world straight . Then the Uratha answered that call , we became the soldiers in a world with no one to defend it ! " Though her voice raised , she stood stoic . Mike could feel the energy in the room rising . Whatever they felt about Meredith , the other werewolves cared about her words . " And when there is nothing left of them , when they are nothing but a pool of blood at our feet , we will see that it was tears of pain , but the cries of joy . Because we are not victims , and we are not criminals . Brothers and sisters , we are the Uratha ! " The crowd became a party . Beers flew off the wall , cheers started spontaneously , conversations started in every corner of the room . It seemed the speeches were over , this had to be the revels . " Eech - Dubya , " the guy responded . Another guy came behind him . They both looked like they lived a tougher life than Spatz or Meredith ever had , with clothing that belonged to South Chicago rather than the suburbs of Naperville . Tim was in the city , Mike knew that . He knew what the little spirit binder was hunting for . The question was , was he making progress ? He had no way to know , he was vague on text messages , and he never answered calls . Mike didn 't bother adding . Cam always did work as a good backup alpha . Mike wasn 't here because he needed someone 's protection , he was here because he needed to figure this whole situation out . Ever since he became a werewolf , everything was chaos . He couldn 't become some lycan - drifter . What did they call it , a ghost wolf ? With Cam here , at least he had someone to talk to . Mike was trying not to imagine Shannon , running around Garfield park , being hounded by wolves . The image was so vivid in his head , the sound of clamping teeth , the look on her face as a wolf brought her to the ground . He could practically taste it as the blow came down on her neck . A long while ago I asked myself , what would it be like if the usual formula of ' Christian Romance ' was flipped . The story of ' this person who isn 't right with god , suddenly meets someone who they love , but that person is too Christian to love them back until they are a proper Christian . ' I 've shared this story somewhere before I think , but while a short scene , I still find it interesting to look back at . I could see it the other way so easily , but this way would still be foreign / strange , and on TV , Beth would be the hero if it was the normal Christian story , but in this version she would be a villain . Beth looked at Shawn with one eyebrow up , and her whole body tilted away from . If there was ever a more blatant sign that you were supposed to lie to someone 's face , Shawn hadn 't seen it . His hands were out , cupped upwards in that ' I just got done spilling my guts to you ' pose , and now he was stuck there . His mouth hung open , his eyes seeking someplace to look besides her patronizing stare . Beth chuckled , and Shawn felt something he imagined was supposed to be relief . Instead , his stomach was still in a knot , and he was afraid she was going to hit him any moment . They came outside to get away from the little party inside , and now Shawn found himself looking back to see how the party was going . " Who isn 't raised that way ? " Beth said , kicking one of her long legs at the dirt in front of them , " We were Catholic for awhile , then my dad switched for some reason . Same bullshit though . " She smiled at him , gave him a wink , and Shawn 's only coherent thought was how beautiful blasphemy sounded coming out of her lips . " Which were you ? " She asked . He looked at the ground . In all the time he had known Beth , he had never seen this side of her . She always seemed like such a nice girl , wore a cross to school every day , helped on campus and even volunteered . He was excited to talk to her , and to be honest , get a chance to kiss her . Beth was his dream girl , spunky , but in control of herself , right without being self - righteous . " You okay ? " She asked , her eyes looking him over . Her face went plain , and she stared him in the eyes . His heart thumped , and he didn 't know where to look . Was that her kiss face ? Was that her angry face ? He didn 't know , " You do believe , don 't you ? " She said , " Admit it . " There were a lot of questions you usually didn 't have to answer in highschool , that was one of them . A wife was the last thing on his mind . Sure , he thought Beth was nice enough that maybe he could take her home to his family , a girlfriend he would be proud to show to everyone . That didn 't mean he wanted a wife . " No , " She snapped , " Christian boys don 't date , they search for servants . " While Shawn was willing to put up with a lot , there was a limit . He turned and faced off toward the yard , trying to cap the boiling sensation he felt in his gut . " Have you seen my mom ? She can 't take two steps without looking to my dad for approval on the second , " She began , " My mom wants me to find some nice boy , so he can help me settle down , so he can bring me closer to the lord . As if I want to be close to someone who requires a man for him to love me . " She shrugged , looking out over the little back yard with its playground and fence , " I know Christians can love each other . I 've seen it . I just don 't want that kind of love . " " Are you going to tell me now that they weren 't right with god ? That all their praying and sundays spent at church was done to the wrong beat ? Maybe you 'll say it was god 's plan ? Fuck your fairytale , I would rather have someone who loves me first . " Shawn dug his feet into the dirt . He wasn 't a pro at proselytizing , he knew enough scripture for his own relationship with god . He knew that it wasn 't his job to fix her parent 's relationship , but between him and Beth , that was something different . |
I love a good ghost story . When I started working at the Roadhouse a year or so ago I thought it would be a fun place to work plus I was able to help Leah , the owner out . She was a little short on cooks at the time and I am always happy to help others . Then she dropped the bomb of happiness on me when she said : " Did I ever tell you about the body in the basement ? " My eyes lit up and I got all warm and squishy inside . She took me on a tour of the basement , which had a creepy feel to it . There were actual tunnels left from what I assume was prohibition . Through research I have learned that it used to be a stage coach stop and a " Blind Pig " which housed gangsters and distributed illegal booze during the prohibition days . The body in the basement is thought to be one of those gangsters . The building itself was originally the Meadow Lark Inn , first a homey country inn selling home - cooked meals of home - grown poultry and produce and then a classy dining spot for banquets , parties and weddings . I found some spooky stories about the place , including a female spirit playing an old piano in the back room who " didn 't realize she was dead , " Sounds of conversations , laughter , people being touched , pushed , and tickled . And then there are the bizarre electrical problems . A psychic said that she talked to a spirit named " Edward " and he wanted the world to know he was murdered over two women , and not suicide , which was reported . The Roadhouse is a great place to eat drink and have a good time . I recommend it to everyone . Come on down and enjoy some spirits with some spirits ! There 's a chair waiting for you ! Thom Futrell is a horror writer living in Jackson Michigan . He has been in more than sixty publications and has four films under his belt . He writes under the name T . G . Reaper . December represents Christmas , Santa Claus and presents , reindeer and sitting in front of a fireplace drinking hot chocolate and warm cider . In German - speaking Alpine folklore Krampus is a horned , anthropomorphic figure who , according to traditional narratives , is a figure who punishes children during the Christmas season who have misbehaved . Yikes ! That is in contrast with jolly ole St . Nicholas , who rewards well - behaved ones with gifts . In regions within Austria , Krampus is one of a number of Companions of Saint Nicholas widely talked about in regions of Europe . The origin of the figure is unclear but some folklorists and anthropologists , say Krampus has pre - Christian origins . " There seems to be little doubt as to his true identity for , in no other form is the full regalia of the Horned God of the Witches , so well preserved . The birch - apart from its phallic significance - may have a connection with the initiation rites of certain witch - covens ; rites which entailed binding and scourging as a form of mock - death . The chains could have been introduced in a Christian attempt to ' bind the Devil ' but again they could be a remnant of pagan initiation rites " . In the 20th century , Austrian governments discouraged the pagan initiation practice . In the aftermath of the 1934 Austrian Civil War , the Krampus tradition was prohibited by the Dollfuss regime . Towards the end of the century , Krampus celebrations became popular once again and continue even now . The Krampus tradition is being revived in Bavaria as well , along with a local artistic tradition of hand - carved wooden masks . There has been ongoing public debate in Austria in modern times about whether Krampus is appropriate for children . Krampus is steadily becoming a popular creature in North American pop culture . This has been met with controversy , as many see it as part of a " growing movement of anti - Christmas festivities " there . While celebrated , these rituals are rare but gaining interest . Although Krampus appears in many variations , most share some common physical characteristics . He is hairy , usually brown , or black , and has the cloven hooves - sometimes one foot is a hoof and the other a regular foot . He also has the horns of a goat and a long - pointed tongue that lolls out . Krampus carries chains , thought to symbolize the binding of the Devil by the Christian Church . He thrashes the chains for dramatic effect and is sometimes accompanied with bells of various sizes . Sometimes Krampus appears with a sack or a washtub strapped to his back . This is to cart off evil children for drowning , eating , or transport to Hell . Some older versions make mention of naughty children being put in the bag and being taken . This part of the legend refers to the times that the Moors raided the European coasts , and as far as Iceland , to abduct the local people into slavery . LM David has been writing stories since Jr . High School after taking a Creative Writing class . Initially drawn to the genre of Science Fiction , a fascination with Paranormal / Urban Fantasy / Romance drew her back into the dark erotic world of vampires . The more she read about the subject of the ' undead ' , the deeper dark erotic world of folklore and legends of the vampire became . You can reach her at : There are four thousand five hundred and fifty six holes in the pattern on the dashboard of my car . Four thousand , five hundred and fifty six . Not fifty seven , not fifty four . I have counted them all , each and every one of them , some by my now - limited sight , some by touch , some by figuring what must be in spaces I cannot see by the spaces I can . There 's really nothing much else to do . I don 't have any idea what time it is , hell , I don 't even know what day it is . I don 't have any idea how long I was unconscious , although I know I must have been . How would my leg have ended up where it is , if I had been ' awake ' when it happened ? I 'm hoping that I was ' out ' only a short period , but it could have been days . I guess not weeks or months because I appear to be mostly still here , wherever ' here ' is . I don 't even know what happened ; have no idea what ' it ' was . All I know , all I actually know is that I 'm here , and I 'm hurt , and that no one is nearby . When I first became aware of the accident , which I 'll call it for lack of a better word , when I first became aware of anything ; I screamed my throat raw , begging for help . No one ever came , and all I heard were the drip - drip - drips of something drip - drip - dripping . The drips come about twenty - nine times every forty one - Mississippi . I have had plenty of time to count the holes in the dashboard and the drips . I 've had time to rack my brain , and scream for help , and look for something to eat , and cry . Plenty of time , more than enough . I am hanging upside down . I am hanging upside down , from my seatbelt , which is jammed shut . You always read about people who were ejected from their car because they either weren 't wearing the seatbelt or it disengaged . I would pay good money for one of those . Although the seat belt isn 't the entire problem , my legs apparently tried to fly away , when whatever happened happened , because now they are wrapped around the steering wheel in an unnatural way , and a long bone - what 's the name of that one ? Alex , I 'll take parts of the body for $ 200 , never mind , it 'll come to me , is pushed out of the skin just below my knee . It 's erupted about 7 inches , and it was bleeding up onto the ceiling of the car , but it stopped a couple of dark and lights ago . Because of the leg , which I 'm happy to say doesn 't hurt much anymore , though it 's getting to be an odd color , and the jammed seat belt , I am hanging here for the duration . I have no hunger anymore , this will be great for my waistline . See it up there ? But I am pretty thirsty . There 's only one whole bottle of water left up here on the roof with me , I always meant to take that six - pack into the house , but they had come in pretty handy since I got here . I can reach the ceiling with one hand and I 'm not really up there , that 's just the closest area I can see . My butt is still fastened to the seat , and my chest is pinned to the seat back . I have some movement in parts of my arms , but that 's all . I 've gotten used to most of it now . No heat , no rain , no moving , no help . I know someone will find me eventually . I just can 't figure out why no one has found me yet . You 'd think the bottom of a car would be a real no - brainer . That someone would see it and just like a turtle , feel the need to turn it over . I have counted the holes on the dashboard now several times every light . It seems that I must start over every time , because I forget a lot of things now . This time I repeated the amount over and over so I won 't have to count it all again . I tell myself all the things I remember , and tell myself them over and over so I don 't forget . For the first little while , I was singing to keep myself relatively sane , then little by little I would forget how the words went and " um - um - um " in the holes , until I was annoying , even to just me . My name is Mary Ellen Miles , I am 26 years old . I am single , and have no children . I remember getting in the car and driving on the highway . It was night . It was raining and blowing hard . There was very little traffic . I remember construction cones , and warning signs , and that 's all . My accident must have happened then , because I have no other memories of something that would have left me upside down in my car . I don 't have my glasses . I tell myself they are around here somewhere , but without them , I can 't find them . At home I always kept them at night in their own little place , so I could find them in the morning . I didn 't bring that place with me , I guess , when I went out for a drive . A stupid , why was I out , drive in the rain and wind . I can 't tell what 's outside the car , I 've tried and tried to open the window , I 've tried to crank it open but it resists me , and I have no room to lever a harder assault . Everything looks foggy or smeary , and I can 't tell if it 's the windows themselves that are foggy or smeary or if it 's me . Now it seems to be getting darker . . . Four thousand , four thousand , I must remember , as I count the holes on the dashboard . I can 't see them so well , so I feel for them . My reach isn 't very far , and my arms are very stiff , hell , who cares how many holes are in the dashboard ? I hang there in the greasy light , listening to the drip - drip - drips , and squinting to see through the windshield , or the side windows . Nothing . I can reach the buttons on the radio , but whatever turned my car upside down must have done something to that as well , sorry , ma ' am , I can 't reach out to let you inside . I recite my mantra again ; it seems to calm me down . My name is Mary Ellen Miles , I am 26 years old . I am single , and have no children . I remember getting in the car and driving on the highway . It was night . It was raining and blowing hard . There was very little traffic . I remember construction cones , and warning signs , and that 's all . There is a noise suddenly , outside the car , a rustling noise . I scream out , as loud as my tortured throat will allow ! " Come get me out ! Come get me out ! I need help ! " I yank on the window handle and remarkably it opens , but less than half an inch . I pull and pull for more window , and it opens another half - inch then stops . All the pulling has started my leg bleeding again and something hurts in my neck . That 's okay , though ! Someone 's out there , I heard them . I call and call for help and the noise gets louder . Helen Bishop is a native of Pennsylvania and a true fan of the written word . She works as a litigation paralegal ; reads on average 20 books a week ; writes book reviews for an internet blog ; writes stories , poems and novels in various genres ; and - just to fill out her dance card - contracts with fellow authors to proofread and copy - edit their work before it goes to the publisher . You can check her out atthttps : / / www . facebook . com / HelenBishopAuthor ? ref = bookmarks , and https : / / www . writerreadr . wordpress . com . Kurt sits down at a table across from Tabetha who is wearing a black skirt and white blouse . He tries not to stare at her seeing as how she 's wearing a pink polka dot bra beneath the white shirt . He clears his throat as he turns his attention to her application . " Yeah , I 'm not sure what 's gotten into her lately . So I think when I am home I should keep my distance from you . No offence , I just don 't want her to be upset . " He says . " I may just do that . Well thank you for your time and advice . I 'll give you a call when I find out something . " Kurt says while extending his hand . Tabetha winks at him and walks out of the restaurant while some of the other workers watch her hips as they sway while she moves . The cashier Jade places her hand on Kurt 's shoulder . He turns to face the 20 year old Asian girl . The next couple of hours go by and the dishwashers , cooks , and the drivers go home . Only Kurt and Jade remain as the close down for the night . The two of them walk outside locking the doors behind them . Kurt gets into his car and waves at Jade as he drives by . She smiles and waves back at him before sitting down on the curb . Once he is out of sight a cold chill runs down her spine as the wind blows . She rubs her shoulders as she shivers . She feels goosebumps form all over her body as she feels someone watching her . Her eyes scan the parking lot searching for whoever may be watching her . Then a glob of thick saliva drops onto her shoulder . She slowly turns her head upwards and before she realizes it the large beast pounces on her and wraps its massive jaws around her throat . Within moments a blood curdling howl resonates in the air . Ronald Edward Griffin is a native of Macon , GA where he was born and raised . He is an accomplished Author in his own right and is always working hard on something . He has two children whom he hopes to pass his writing bug on to them . While the children play upstairs , unbeknownst to the adults the teenagers take to the attic for a chance to play around with a forbidden Ouija board . The two adults downstairs meanwhile are pulling out their own items such as a pure black candle and tarot cards . Things are about to take an eerie turn for this dwelling for the rest of time . When the final letter on the Ouija board comes for the teenagers , the flickering of the candle downstairs goes out and the cards refuse to shuffle . A low chill in the air falls throughout the entire house . Suddenly in the attic and in the living room of the house , a growling howl begins to be heard when suddenly the front door blows open with the smashing of the front room window , which also occurs in the attic with the window and skylights shattering and screaming from the teenagers becoming startled by what they invited into the home . Time passes by and the after events of that night become a rare talking point as things in the home remain heavy for all those living there . Slowly things begin to pull the family apart , the parents begin to argue more and the father develops a drinking problem . The children 's grades begin to fall and become withdrawn from their favorite sport of baseball / softball . Meals don 't taste the same , dreams become nightmares , electronics begin to blow up , and the colorful clothes of the mid 1990 's get thrown out for black and other dark colors . The love that used to exist in this happy home is slowly dying . The couple pays no attention to the threat and continues to dabble with séances trying to call forth the demon again and again with no luck . The baby is born on time healthy and vibrant , but when the child becomes a toddler and the grandmother wishes to take the child to church one Sunday morning a scary event is about to unfold . When the child sees the cross on the door to the church he begins to hiss and throw a fit to keep from crossing the threshold . A year later after the young couple leave for a military career , his sister and her new husband take over their lease . A few months into living at this house of evil , the young married couple begins to experience urges of things they never even discussed . They begin to experiment with other couples and swinging along with other sexual taboos . Once the fun wears off they begin cheating behind the others back lying , cheating , drugs and alcohol get brought into the house . Then one morning when the religious young man was utilizing the bathroom , he finishes up a shower and before he opens the shower curtain a head pops through the curtain staring him straight in the eyes and utters one phrase . The demon says " GET OUT ! " sending fear all over the young man 's body , he stumbles down the steps and runs outside screaming . He 's butt naked standing and yelling in the middle of the road how he will never step foot back into the house . His sister and brother - in - law laugh and mock him until they get his clothes and return him to his mother 's trailer where he doesn 't leave even to this day afraid it will find him . The married couple soon after that incident divorces going their separate ways never speaking to each other again . Since then the house has been sold and several people have attempted to cleanse the home of the demon invited inside so many years ago . The two families from that very first night still feel the effects of what 's occurred that night . The children grew up with issues and even find it difficult to believe in religion . The adults are no longer friends and their lives have turned out nowhere near what they expected as well . They all have become cold , cruel and closed off to the world . Others have also since divorced and the child the demon took as his own still fights , fusses , and becomes violent around any church or Bible . Author Bio : I 'm Jason Blayne a native of Lesage , West Virginia . I 'm a fictional YA / NA author and father of one . I 've experienced a decent bit of death at a young age to compliment the paranormal Phenomenons during my life , such things that I believe that we all have a spirit that guides us as well as protects us and helps as an extension much like a guardian angel . The young Selkie princess closed her deep , oceanic eyes listening to the sound of the wind through the palm trees and the waves crashing against the beach , ever since losing her skin , she longed to return home . Damn the local lord , with his amber eyes and short , red hair , for entrapping her and damn herself for letting herself get lost in promises that turned into ash . Sariah didn 't know where Lucan kept her skin but she knew that it was in whatever chest the key around his neck unlocks , he had a few around the room . Most were for his gold or other possessions . It was late at night , but the moon was full ; she had always felt restless , however . The fuller the moon got , the more she felt the call of the sea in her blood , her heart and her very soul . " Come to bed , Sariah " Lucan entreats her , softly . Sariah turns her head to respond to Lucan before turning back to stare out the window . She waits until he is deeply asleep , then like a ghost , takes the key from around his neck and looks around the room as Lucan rolls over in his sleep . She finds the chest and unlocks it , only to freeze as the rusted , iron hinges of the old , warped chest creak loudly . Lucan 's eyes open and he smiles sadly . ' So , it has come to this , has it ? I thought I could keep you , but you can 't truly keep a being of the sea , can 't you ? ' He asks himself , softly . " Go , take your skin back , I 've seen how unhappy you have been these past few months and I thought showing you what I , no the human world , could offer you would be enough . I was wrong , so very wrong . Take your skin back , my beauty , but never forget I loved you . " She kisses him softly , a final goodbye . With that , she slips out the window , taking the ladder she had hidden in a shadowy alcove and climbs down it slowly , her skin tucked tightly under one arm , before stepping onto the beach below , a lone palm tree sways in the wind . Her hair blows around her as she strips off her nightgown and steps into the water . It swirls around her ankles , and she shivers in cold and delight from finally being able to be free , before covering herself with her seal skin . She looks back at Lucan 's mansion and briefly wonders what might have happened if she let herself stay before mentally shaking her head to clear it and starting the long journey back to her home . Author Bio : Mike shot awake at the sound of knocking . " What the . . . " He glanced at his watch . It read 3 : 30 am . The knocking continued turning into a pounding . " Thank you . " Mike walked back over to the door and peeked out again . " Good news kid help is on the way . Kid ? " Mike opens the door and looked in both directions . " Hey kid ! " Mike locks the door and puts the bolt on . Then climbs into the bed and pulls the covers over his head like he did when he was five . The old feelings coming back again like a tidal wave . Mike got out of the taxi cab paying the driver before turning to the office building . He marked last night as a bad dream and nothing more . He grabbed his briefcase and headed inside . The lobby was large with a desk in the middle . Behind the desk was a full size mural of a warrior doing battle with a pack of lions . The warrior was dressed in a roman tunic with two blades hanging from his waist and a long sword in his hand . " The woman turned her head slightly . " Oh yes the president had it commissioned a few years ago . It is a symbol of our company I believe . Warrior spirit and all that . " She turned back to her screen . " Name ? " She smiled slightly . " Well take a deep breath , straighten your tie , and follow the yellow brick road to the elevator down the hall . Stop at the top floor and you will reach your dream . " " Thank you . " He picked up his briefcase and followed the yellow path to an elevator . He pushed the button and waited . The door opened and he stepped in . He pressed the top floor . When the door closed , staring him in the face were the words ' Carpe Diem ' . Mike laughed to himself . Mike stepped off the elevator and found himself in a small lobby with chairs on three sides and a double door on the far side . The room was full of men dressed in suits all sitting and waiting . A few glanced up at him , some sat staring at the wall , and others were deep in thought practicing what they are going to say . Suddenly the double doors opened up and a man hurried out the door with grief painted on his face . Then a woman stepped out . " Mr . Overton your next . " Mike glanced around the room . It was a large board room with windows on three sides . He could see all of down town LA from here . At the table sat a dozen or so people . He tried to read their faces during his presentation but most of them had great poker faces . At the end of the table sat Martin Edwards , President of Edwards Inc . Mike laid his arms at his sides and waited for someone to say something . He started to sweat a little and he could feel it inside his suit . Again Jane popped in his mind he did not want to blow it . He remembered what John Overton said about what a hard sell Edwards was and how John walked by him with a shrug of his shoulders as if to say maybe next time . Why won 't this guy say something ? Mike hesitated slightly before opening the door . " Look here son . . . " The boy is gone . Mike looks both ways . Nothing . He shook his head as if to clear the dust out of it . Then went back into his room and finished packing . ' I got to get out of this town it is driving me to the edge . ' Mike entered the airport with a look of dread behind his eyes . He kept thinking about that little boy . What did it mean or did it mean anything ? He took off his shoes and put them on the conveyer belt . Then he began to take off his watch and empty out his pockets . Lastly he stepped through the gate and into the x - ray screen . The security guard lets out a sigh . " I don 't know . She will be handed over to the police or the feds . Can you move along please ? You 're holding up the line . " Mike checked the terminal sign and looked at his watch . ' Damn , why is my plane always running late ? ' He walked over to a row of empty seats and sat down . He looked around him . The terminal was mostly empty except for a few families , an old couple , and few other single passengers . Suddenly a little boy of about 6 ran past him . He watched the boy as he ran around the room going from one end and back to the other . The boy ran between the seats of people . Oh to be care free . Mike continued to watch the boy . He was mesmerized by the boy . The boy ran from one group of seats to the other . Back and forth over and over . Suddenly the boy tripped and fell landing a few feet in front of Mike . The boy looked up at Mike through glossy eyes . Then he held out his leg to him . Mike took the little leg in his hand examine it . The boy had a small scrape on his knee where he hit the ground . " Oh ! It 's OK little one . " Mike pulled a napkin out of his pocket , wet it with his water bottle , and cleaned the little boy 's scrape . Then took a band - aid out of his wallet and covered up the cut . Lastly he took another napkin and started to wipe the tears from the little boy 's eyes . " There you go little man . All better . " The woman looked over at Mike as if seeing him for the first time . " What ? " She glanced down at Sam 's leg and notices the band - aid . " Oh , thank you , sir . He is such a handful . He just ran off while I was getting him something to eat . " Heather put Sam on the floor holding his hand . " I don 't know Mike . You seem like a nice guy but don 't want to impose . " Sam sat next to Heather picking the pepperonis off the top of his pizza . His face was covered in sauce . Mike watched him and shook his head . " Kids will be kids . " " That 's true . " Heather smiled at him as she began to wipe Sam 's face with a napkin . " So what were you doing in L . A . ? " " It was I just wish we didn 't have to leave so soon . " She looked down at Sam who was smearing the crust on his face and laughing . " Oh Sam you silly boy . " She took the crust away from him and began to wipe his face again . Mike glanced at the board again and then back at his watch . ' Damn , come on I want to get out of here . ' He took out his phone and pushed Jane 's number . Mike glanced around the room it was still pretty empty except for the same few passenger that have been there as long as him . He spotted Sam and Heather sitting alone in the far corner . Sam was still giving her a hard time but he was not running off . " I was just thinking how nice it would be to have a little boy or girl to raise and have fun with . Someone to teach and pass on my wisdom too . " He continued to watch Sam as he pushed a little car around Heather 's chair . " What can I say after all these years ? I know what my man wants . So come home . I have to get up and go to work soon . So I will see you when you get home . " Samuel holds a degree in English Literature from the University of South Florida and has been published a dozen or so times . He published his first book " Twisted American Fairy Tales " on Lulu . com and it is still available there today . He currently lives in Florida where he cuts up dead bodies for a grocery chain and spends his free time writing and collecting books . Growing up in Cleveland , Ohio , I was aware of the Franklin Castle for as long as I can remember as it was said it was the most haunted house in Ohio . In seventh grade , my dad was a church custodian and on Sunday 's we would take extra food over to the men 's house ( St . Herman 's ) which was right next to the castle . The first time I saw it , I was drawn to it . The massive structure was just too much to take in . Then there was the cemetery on the left side that was enclosed by a wrought iron fence . My dad always had to pull me away from standing in front of it so we could go and I was always in trouble because I was supposed to have stayed in the car while he took the food in . When I got older , there had been a rumor that every Halloween night , you could see a ghostly woman in the attic window rocking away in her rocking chair . I went and looked but was never allowed out late enough to stay to see her . " Franklin Castle is an eerie structure of dark and foreboding stone that has long been considered a spooky place by architects and the general public alike . There are over thirty rooms in the castle 's four stories and the roof is designed in steep gables that give the place its gothic air . Secret passages honeycomb the house and sliding panels hide the doorways to these hidden corridors . It is said that a thirteen - year - old girl was once murdered in one of these hallways by her uncle because he believed her to be insane . In the front tower , it is told that a bloody ax murder once took place and it was here that one of the former owners found a secret cabinet that contained human bones . The Deputy coroner of Cleveland , Dr . Lester Adelson , who examined the bones shortly after they were found in January 1975 , judged them to be of someone who had been dead for a very , very long time . Did they date back to the years of the original owners of the house ? It is hard to separate fact from fiction at Franklin Castle but we do know that a German immigrant named Hannes Tiedemann built the mansion in 1865 . Tiedemann was a former barrel - maker and wholesale grocer who had gone into banking . This new source of wealth allowed him to spare no expense in building the house and he soon moved in with his wife , Louise . Over the next few years , Louise gave birth to a son , August , and a daughter , Emma but life in the mansion was never really happy . By 1881 , it had become tragic . On January 16 , 15 year old Emma died from diabetes . In those days , death from the disease came as a horrible , lingering starvation for which there was no cure . A short time later , Tiedemann 's elderly mother , Wiebeka , also died in the house . Over the next three years , the Tiedemann 's buried three children , one of them just eleven days old . Rumors began to spread that there may have been more to these deaths than was first apparent . To take his wife 's mind off the family tragedies , Tiedemann enlisted the services of a prominent architectural firm to design some additions to the mansion . It was during this expansion that the secret passages , concealed rooms and hidden doors were added to the house . Gas lighting was also installed throughout the building and many of the fixtures are still visible today . A large ballroom was also added that ran the length of the entire house and turrets and gargoyles were also incorporated into the design , making it appear even more like a castle . The hidden passages in the house also hid many legends . At the rear of the house is a trap door that leads to a tunnel that goes nowhere . Another hidden room once contained a liquor still , left over from the Prohibition era . During the 1920 's , the house was allegedly used as a speakeasy and warehouse for illegal liquor . The most gruesome secret uncovered in the house came from another of the hidden rooms . Here , an occupant found literally dozens of human baby skeletons . It was suggested that they may have been the victims of a doctor 's botched experiments or even medical specimens , but no one knew for sure . The medical examiner simply stated that they were " old bones " . On March 24 , 1895 , Louise died at the age of 57 from what was said to be " liver trouble " . Rumors continued to spread about the many untimely deaths in the Tiedemann family , especially when Hannes married again a few years later . By that time , he had sold the castle to a brewing family named Mullhauser and had moved to a grander home on Lake Road . The following summer , Tiedemann decided to vacation at a German resort and there he met ( or some have suggested became re - acquainted with ) a young waitress named Henriette . He quickly married the woman and lived just long enough to regret it . He divorced her and left her with nothing . By 1908 , Tiedemann 's entire family , including his son , August and his children , had passed away . There was no one left to inherit his fortune or to comfort him in his old age . Tiedemann died later that same year , suddenly stricken while walking in the park one day . It is believed that he suffered a massive stroke . Tiedemann 's death did not end the speculation about strange events in the house however . Legend had it that Tiedemann had not been the faithful husband that he appeared to be . There were stories of affairs and sexual encounters within the vast confines of the house that were only whispered about . Tangled in the distasteful stories were also rumors of murder . One of the bloody tales was told about a hidden passage that extended beyond the castle 's ballroom . It was here that Tiedemann allegedly killed his niece by hanging her from one of the exposed rafters . The stories say that she was insane and that he killed her to put her out of her misery . But it 's possible this was not the truth because others maintain that he killed her because of her promiscuity . He discovered her in bed with his grandson , it is said , and she paid the ultimate price for this transgression . Tiedemann is also said to have murdered a young servant girl on her wedding day because she rejected his advances . Another version of the story says that the woman who was killed was Tiedemann 's mistress , a woman named Rachel . She accidentally strangled to death in the house after Tiedemann tied her up and gagged her after learning that she wanted to marry another man . It 's possible that Rachel 's spirit is the resident " woman in black " who has been seen lurking around the old tower . Former residents say that they have heard the sound of a woman choking in this room . More blood was spilled in the house a few years later , after the Mullhauser family sold the castle to the German Socialist Party in 1913 . They used the house for meetings and parties , or so it was said . However , the legends of the house maintain that the Socialists were actually Nazi spies and that twenty of their members were machine - gunned to death in one of the castle 's secret rooms . They sold the house fifty - five years later , and during the time of their residence , the house was mainly unoccupied . It is believed that they may have rented out a portion of the house however , as a Cleveland nurse recalled several years ago that she had cared for an ailing attorney in the castle in the early 1930 's . She remembered being terrified at night by the sound of a small child crying . More than forty years later , she told a reporter that she " would never set foot in that house again . " In January of 1968 , James Romano , his wife , and six children moved into the house . Mrs . Romano had always been fascinated with the mansion and planned to open a restaurant there , but she quickly changed her mind . On the very day that the family moved in , she sent her children upstairs to play . A little while later , they came back downstairs and asked if they could have a cookie for their new friend , a little girl who was upstairs crying . Mrs . Romano followed the children back upstairs , but found no little girl . This happened a number of times , leading many to wonder if the " ghost children " might be the spirits of the Tiedemann children who died in the early 1880 's . Mrs . Romano also reported hearing organ music in the house , even though no organ was there and sounds of footsteps tramping up and down the hallways . She also heard voices and the sound of glass clinking on the third floor , even though no one else was in the house . The Romano 's finally consulted a Catholic priest about the house . He declined to do an exorcism of the place , but told them that he sensed an evil presence in the house and that they should leave . By September of 1974 , the Romano 's had finally had enough . They sold the castle to Sam Muscatello , who planned to turn the place into a church , but instead , after learning of the building 's shady past , started offering guided tours of the house . He also had problems with ghostly visitors in the mansion encountering strange sounds , vanishing objects and the eerie woman in black . He invited Cleveland radio executive John Webster to the house for an on - air special about hauntings and Franklin Castle . Webster claimed that while walking up a staircase , something tore a tape recorder from a strap over his shoulder and flung it down the stairs . " I was climbing the stairs with a large tape recorder strapped over my shoulder , " Webster later recalled and then told how the device was pulled away from him . " I just stood there holding the microphone as I watched the tape recorder go flying down to the bottom of the stairs , where it broke into pieces . " A television reporter named Ted Ocepec , who also came to visit the castle , witnessed a hanging ceiling light that suddenly began turning in circular motions . He was also convinced that something supernatural lurked in the house . Someone suggested that perhaps traffic vibrations on the street outside had caused the movement of the light . Ocepec didn 't think so . " I just don 't know , " he said , " but there 's something in that house . " Muscatello 's interest in the history of the house led him to start searching for the secret panels and passages installed by the Tiedemann 's . It was he who made the gruesome discovery of the skeleton behind the panel in the tower room . This discovery apparently had a strange effect on Muscatello as he started becoming sick and lost over thirty pounds in a few weeks . He was never very successful at turning the place into a tourist attraction and eventually sold the place to a doctor , who in turn sold the house for the same amount to Cleveland Police Chief Richard Hongisto . The police chief and his wife declared that the spacious mansion would make the perfect place in which to live but then , less than one year later , abruptly sold the house to George Mirceta , who was unaware of the house 's haunted reputation . He had bought the castle merely for its solid construction and Gothic architecture . He lived alone in the house and also conducted tours of the place , asking visitors to record any of their strange experiences in a guest book before leaving . Some reported seeing a woman in white , babies crying and lights swinging back and forth . One women even complained of feeling like she was being choked in the tower room . Strangely , she had no idea of the legend concerning that room and the death of Tiedemann 's mistress . Even though he had a number of strange experiences while living there , Mirceta maintained that the castle was not haunted . If it was , he told reporters , he would be too scared to live there . " There has to be a logical explanation for everything , " he told an interviewer . In 1984 , the house was sold once again , this time to Michael De Vinko , who attempted to restore the place . He claimed to have no problems with ghosts in the house but surmised that it may have been because he was taking care of the old place again . He spent huge sums of money in restoration efforts . He successfully tracked down the original blueprints to the house , some of the Tiedemann furniture , and even the original key to the front door , which still worked . Even after spending all of the money though , the house was put back on the real - estate market in 1994 . The castle was sold again in 1999 and the new owner once again attempted to restore the place , even after an arson fire damaged it badly in November of that same year . Work continued throughout his ownership , as he hoped to open the place once again for tours . But had the blood - soaked past of the house left a mark that was still being felt in the present ? When asked if the castle was really haunted , the owner admitted that he was not sure that it was , or if he even believed in ghosts at all . However , he did say that many of his friends and family have had had odd experiences here . " Most of them involve either unexplained sounds , or difficult - to - describe feelings . " He added that the castle was not a scary place , but it was a little creepy , especially in the middle of the night . " I 've heard strange sounds and hoped to see something or hear something that would prove to me that ghosts exist , but so far it hasn 't happened , " he said . " So far it 's been no spookier than sleeping alone in any old house that creaks in the wind or has rattling pipes . " According to a July 2003 edition of the Cleveland Plain - Dealer newspaper , Franklin Castle sold once more and the new owner , a local land developer , has hopes of converting the place into a social club . When completed , he also plans to offer ghost hunters a chance to spend the night in this legendary haunted house , using the new bed and breakfast facilities that are scheduled to open in May 2004 . " ( http : / / www . prairieghosts . com / oh - frank . html ) The Vampire Queen1 aka Jodie Pierce has been writing since Jr . High School but was unsatisfied with her teenage romance stories . One day , a friend handed her an Anne Rice book and she found her inspiration . She 's been writing about vampires ever since . We went for bait , and he helped me in my shy way ask the bait guy how many worms I should send for at first . They both acted like I was damaged , so they treated me carefully . The bait man said he hoped I wouldn 't run him out of business , and I made myself look shocked , and stammered , " Oh no , sir , maybe I shouldn 't raise worms ? " He just smiled and said there was plenty of call for worms what with the river so close and for farming , and not to worry . I let them talk me back into it , and the deputy and the bait guy showed me how to fill out the order form and mailed it for me . Two weeks later the post office called and said I had received some boxes of live animals , would I be home if they came out to deliver ? I , of course , said yes , and they brought them on out . I had ordered five thousand worms . Sounds like a lot , but I had a big worm bed and big plans for their place in my future . I had decided to let them feast on the dregs of society , or at least those dregs that I encountered . One night I had knocked together a small open shed for the bait seller 's shack . When my friend the deputy saw it , we couldn 't do anything else until he showed me how to make it stronger . I could have done it myself by that time , but he felt better helping me out , and I felt better letting him . Most of the people in town had gotten over my horrible appearance in that place and the events that had apparently led up to it . They would just as soon forget about it and me , and for those folks I had made it easier to forget , moving all the way the hell out to the river . But I did make some good friends there , too , what with the Sheriff and his deputy , the nurses and the other counselors , and so I had to continue my neediness and slow down any competence I was beginning to feel . I took out books from the library on a regular basis , though less often after I moved . I always got some ' easy reading ' ones , and some picture books they told me were ' coffee table ' books . I had put the worms out into their nice clean new beds , and five thousand worms is a damned amount but 20 minutes after I had first laid them out , they were nowhere to be seen . All of those worms had burrowed down into the masses of ground newspaper . I scattered a bunch of worm ' kibble ' mixed with road - kill from out of the grinder onto the heaving mass . It smelled terrible to me , but apparently not to the worms , because they came squirming out of the mess and the bed looked alive . I waited for about an hour then I sprayed down the top of the pile with the hose , just like it said in the brochure from the worm hatchery . The mass quieted down after that but it gave off a gentle steam , like something was cooking underneath . I noticed that the smell from the mixed kibble was gone , too . There wasn 't really any odor associated with it , except the wet smell of freshly turned loam . I found it rather pleasant , and was glad that there was no smell that might be questioned by anyone passing by . I forked over some dirt in my side yard , right off the kitchen and mixed in some of the worm dirt to make it better . That afternoon I called the librarian to see if she could check the classified for a scooter or an old motorized golf cart I could use to get back and forth to town . She said she 'd get right on it and unbeknownst to me ; she called the sheriff and put a plan in motion . The end of that week , the deputy called . " Charlie ? " he said , " Will you be home this afternoon ? I 've a load of newspapers for you and Helen ( the librarian ) wants to come along to see how you 're doing . " " Sure I will , " I said . " I wanted to ask you about a garden anyway . " The deputy allowed as how they 'd be out later that afternoon . I swept up and put off feeding the worms so I could show them when they came . Around about 2 that afternoon , several trucks came rolling into my yard . I recognized them as my friends from town . Suddenly glad that I had disguised all my questionable hidey - holes , I went out to meet them . Deputy Dan Jenkins called everyone to order . " Charlie , " he said . " A lot of us in town are happy about how you 've worked so hard to turn your life around , and we wanted to do something for you . " " But you 've all done so much . . . " I interrupted . Dan waved his hand and continued , " We have been talking about it for weeks . We thought about getting you a dog , a puppy really , but puppies are a lot of work and we weren 't sure how you 'd feel about a dog , after what . . . " Dan 's voice faded off . Helen jumped in , " So , when you called about the golf cart , we all got together and found you a nice used one and Dan and the Sheriff had it gone over at the garage . We all worked on spiffing it up and now , " she waved toward the back of the nearest truck , " This is our gift to you ! " Dan and some of the other men wheeled out the neatest little golf cart from the rear of the truck . It was newly painted in a barn red color that was resistant to weather . It had a roof - like cover , and they had rolled up plastic ' walls ' so I could use it in the rain . They had even fashioned cargo tie - downs , so I could secure the road - kill and other things I picked up . The other people who had come out from the town had brought box - lunches and tarps and blankets to sit on in the field and we had a picnic . Afterwards I gave them all a thrill by dumping all the picnic waste , excepting the bottles and cans of course , out onto the worm beds . Those little guys made short work of the scraps , and some of the men came up to me later to ask about them . I showed those who were curious the ways of the giant worm bed . I showed them everything , well almost everything . I demonstrated the grinders and showed the worm ' kibble ' and how I mixed it , and I dug up a bucket of the bed to show them the healthy worms . I went to throw some more kibble onto the pile , and some folks came up to help . Most of them were pretty impressed by what I had accomplished . A couple of teen - aged boys stood slightly apart from the rest of us , and were whispering and looking guilty . I kept an eye on them without seeming to , and then a little bit later everyone took their leave . I loved having the golf cart , and for the next couple weeks I went everywhere in it . For my first trip , I carefully drove down to the town 's hardware store , parked outside and put a nickel into the meter . The owner came out and told me I needn 't , but I said I knew that was what was right , and he said ' Good , " and led me into the shop . I told him that I was worried about passersby and other people falling into the worm bed . I also told him that I was scared to leave my home open when I drove down to town . He helped me figure it all out . We drew pictures and hemmed and hawed and hashed it all out . He allowed that I 'd need at least a five - foot high fence all the way around the bed . I would need a lockable gate , but the gate would have to be wide enough to bring the golf cart through , because the stuff for grinding up the road - kill and mixing the kibble would need to be inside the fence . He also set me up with a few good deadlocks for the house . I bought a lot of them ; I told him I might think of other things to use them on later on , so I wanted an assortment . He told me of a guy in town who could come out to install the fence , and after some more talking we set up the appointment . When the fence man came out to the farm , he brought his nephew , a teenager named Mike . Mike spent more time asking me about the operation and everything than he did helping his uncle . He was the one who suggested the ' honor system ' for my bait shack . He said I wouldn 't have to get up so early for the fishermen ; they could take their own bait and leave the money . Even though I didn 't think so , I told him that it was a great idea . Mike walked around the whole farm , pointing at this and that , and asking how much each thing cost . I don 't cotton well to that kind of talk , but his uncle was setting my fence and I tried to be neighborly . I told Mike I wasn 't comfortable talking like that and he blurted out , " But you 're rich , ain 't ya ? " Mike said he didn 't mean anything by it , but then his uncle called him and he went over to help . The fence came out great and Troy , the uncle , showed me all about the locking mechanism for the gate . He said , " and you can put a camera right there and train it over the beds and see anything that happens from inside . " Mike said , " Now Uncle Troy , Charlie don 't need that . " Then I got nervous again . Dan had told me what plants grew well around the area and came out to drive me to the local nursery . I got some tomato and pepper plants , and a bunch of seed packets . Dan thought I was moving too fast and told me so , but I told him that I wanted to live off the farm as much as I could , and maybe I could sell tomatoes in the bait shack as well . He said that maybe that would be good , and we went back to the farm . Later that week , I noticed more foot traffic going past my farm toward the river . I fixed up the bait shack , and put in an old refrigerated unit to keep the worms in . I also got a metal box and put twenty dollars in change in it , and put it under the counter . I painted an old board , and in my shaky lettering wrote " WORMS - 15c each or $ 1 . 50 a dozen . And I put it out leaning against the shed . When I walked back up to the bait shack , I heard a noise and saw bike tracks in the dirt . Coming around the side of the shack I saw the bike and saw the back end of someone going through my stuff . I slammed the countertop , and the kid jumped a mile . It took some doing to get the boy down to the dungeon , and I thanked the townspeople several times under my breath for the gift of the golf cart . When I got him down there , I sat him against the wall , and tied him tightly to the run - out stake and the tie rings . I thought about stripping him naked , but I figured that could be saved for another time farther along . I made sure the bonds were tight , then went back outside , carefully closing everything behind me . I really wanted to watch the boy , but I had chores and he would wait . I spent some time in the bait shack with my tools dismantling the boy 's bike , and put the pieces into my buckets and drove on down to the river bank . I threw those pieces as far as I could from several places along the bank . Then I dug up some of the loamy sludge along the bank to give the garden and my worms . I thought with all the stuff that got into the river , it might be like fertilizer in a way . I drove back home , and cleaned everything up , went and washed my hands , and went back down to the room . Helen Bishop is a native of Pennsylvania and a true fan of the written word . She works as a litigation paralegal ; reads on average 20 books a week ; writes book reviews for an internet blog ; writes stories , poems and novels in various genres ; and - just to fill out her dance card - contracts with fellow authors to proofread and copy - edit their work before it goes to the publisher . You can check her out atthttps : / / www . facebook . com / HelenBishopAuthor ? ref = bookmarks , and https : / / www . writerreadr . wordpress . com Randall watches through a two - way mirror in the room . He turns around and looks at Agent Lance Thomas . He rubs his chin . " So these are the two you found at Club Chaos ? " " I know what you are , Detective . " Lance says . " Known since the first time I saw you . You 'll see soon enough how to take care of incubi and succubi . " " They dilute the blood and make it insatiable for vampires . " Rand explains . " Someone , a vampire , most likely , pissed off the Dark Lord . He 's the only one who can bring back an extinct species like this . " " Don 't know . But our best bet is to keep an eye on Club Chaos . " Rand rubs his chin . " Something tells me that Club Chaos is the center of activity for all manner of dark creatures . " The restraints begin to come apart and the incubi continue to flail . Clink ! Lance sees the incubi come free of their restraints . Pieces of the tables go flying across the room . The agents slash with their chainsaws . The superspeed of the incubi allows them to avoid the chainsaws . Before Rand and Lance can move , the two - way mirror is covered with blood . They rush towards the door leading into the holding room . As they arrive , the two incubi throw the door off its hinges at them . A bullet goes right into Tim 's head dropping him . Tim skids on the ground . He stops at the foot of Lance . Lance takes a step back . He turns to Rand . " We need to rip him apart ! " " Get it ! I 'll chase down the other one ! " He turns and rushes down the hall opposite the direction of Lance . He rounds the corner and skids to a stop . There in front of him are four creatures of the night , 2 incubi and 2 succubi . " Oh , shit ! " Atatoli looks at Det . Goodson . Blood covers his shirt , pants , hands , and shoes . A raised brow is on his face . " I see our friend has met his demise at your hands . That is not a good sign for you . " Atatoli zooms right up into the face of Rand . He slaps the pistol out of his hand . The pistol flies across the room and skids to a stop against the far wall . He pokes the chest of Rand . " If I wanted to kill you , detective , you 'd be dead . But I am going to let you live . I think you could be useful to us . Kanto ? " " Oh , dear Savannah , I believe that Lucifer could convince our friend here to join us . " Atatoli slyly says . He turns to Kanto . Kanto zooms over and pins Rand 's arms to his side . Rand tries to break free , but Kanto is stronger than he is . " Now , detective , you 'll learn who your real master is . " The succubi and incubi walk out of the Metapol holding cells and into the night . Matthew Thomas rushes into the back of the holding cells as the back door busts open . He stops at the docks as he sees the incubi and succubi rise into the air . Rand is being carried away by Kanto . The five , quickly , disappear into the night sky . Lance rolls the cart towards the crematorium as he feels the cool air of the night . He turns to see his brother , Matthew returning from the docks . There is a look of disappointment on his face . " Positive . Working together we can get an advantage for everyone involved . It will benefit them as well as Storm City to get rid of these vile creatures before more are made . " I am an author and artist . I am a family man , love my future wife , daughter , and son . My daughter is not biological , she is my future wife 's daughter , but she calls me Daddy . I love to write . It is a passion of mine . Some would say an obsession , but those don 't really support me when they call it an obsession . My influences include : J . K . Rowling , E . B . White , Homer , William Shakespeare , Sir Arthur Conan Doyle , Chris Claremont , Lara Hama , Margaret Weis , Tracey Hickman , J Michael Strasczynski , Todd McFarlane , Scott Lobdell , Timothy Zahn , Roald Dahl , Cassandra Clare , amongst others . * * Anyone looking for a GREAT editor / beta reader should contact Jessica Sawa ( same name on facebook ) or at her email : jessisawapromotions @ gmail . com . She does excellent work and is even offering specials for Nano pieces ! ! ! Check her out ! ! ! * * * * Jodie Pierce has a new book coming out the end of November titled Vampiro do Brasil which will be released first in English and then in Portuguese . Follow her on Facebook for more information ( screenname Jodie Pierce - Author ) . Book cover to be revealed TBA at a Facebook event hosted by her so keep checking her page for more information . The cover is being done by Lindsey Jayne of L J Book Creations which can also be found on Facebook ! * * * * * * If you 'd like to contribute an article or become a columnist , please contact me at darknesswithin . jpierce @ gmail . com . Also , please feel free to leave a comment here letting us know what you think of the ezine ! We love to hear from our readers ! ! ! ! |
During the days following the meeting , several groups from the Republic were defeated and the king and queen started to lose control . Other nations realized that their army was in trouble and started to revolt . I spent most of my time in the fog of the future , trying to find out Emily 's and Faakhir 's next moves so I could inform other countries what to expect . My warnings were not always successful , but nevertheless , they were loosing terrain and that made them act even more ruthlessly to contain their people . The way the massacred people showed me that they were psychopaths that needed to be defeated , but I couldn 't do that alone . My victories were a short term solution , but I knew I couldn 't keep going like that forever . The world was much bigger than I ever imagined , the territory Emily and Faakhir controlled was easily bigger than the Dark Empire , the Light Kingdom and the Rebel 's Clan territory combined . They were a very powerful enemy , even for me , I had been able to hit them and contain them , but I was starting to understand what Sofia had tried to say , one day they would take control over Mzansi , not because they were better or had better strategies , but because of sheer numbers . I knew how people like them operated , and I knew that if they couldn 't defeat us , they would destroy us , better to have us disappear than to break their balance . " No , Sofia was right , knowing what I know , I can 't turn my back on so many people , it 's against my nature . Once Acuarium is ready , we will move there . Then , I will start planning Emily 's and Faakhir 's defeat . It won 't be something we will win by fighting as we have been fighting until now , we will need to be smarter and defeat them at their own game . " Kimball wasn 't convinced , but he took my proposal to the rulers of Mzansi and with little negotiation they struck a deal , just like Sofia had said . For the following weeks Kimball worked hard on getting Acuarium ready . All the precautions we were taking were working , very few people knew about the project , and even less knew about the place it was located . Most of the people who knew , was going to be living in it , so they had no intentions of doing something that could risk their new home . Time was crawling , but at the same time it was flying . Acuarium was ready sooner than I expected and we were ready to move . The place was a biosphere , a self sustainable environment ready to house five hundred people . Kimball , Ethan and I were among the first to arrive , the only people that had been earlier were maintenance and security people . Kimball took me to the control center and introduced me to the people there . At first I didn 't notice anything weird , people from Mzansi was so diverse that I was used to seeing different skin colors and features among its population , but once they started talking I realized that most were foreigners . Most of the people in security had no ties with Mzansi , they were people who had been offered the opportunity to go to Acuarium to escape the King and Queen 's attacks , they had jumped at the opportunity to move their families somewhere safe . Without Kimball having to explain , I understood that he had done it for me , he had given me people I could trust , people who wouldn 't have loyalty conflicts while working for me . It was just another sign that Kimball had changed and was willing to do everything he could to make me feel safe and protected . " About you , " I confessed . After the fear I had felt when I thought he was going to die , I couldn 't keep denying my feelings . I knew deep down that how I felt for him hadn 't changed , it was just that the hurt , betrayal , and even fear had shadowed the love I felt for him . After thinking I was going to lose him I realized that I was more afraid of losing him than of him hurting me again . I have had time to think about my options , he had told me that if I wanted he wouldn 't be staying with me in Acuarium , but I couldn 't be there without him . " I always thought that I was a strong woman , that I was strong and smart enough to learn from my mistakes , but apparently I 'm not . I decided to give you another chance . " " You won 't regret it , " Kimball said , not even trying to mask his happiness . " I know I made mistakes , but I swear I won 't make them again . I won 't forget who you are again , I will do everything I can to make you happy . " " I want you to understand something first , things won 't go back to what they were before over night , I 'm willing to give you a chance , but I can 't trust you yet . I kind of understand why you did what you did , but you hurt me , and that 's something I can 't forget . " He flinched , as if my words were causing him physical pain , and I felt his anger , but I thought it was directed at him , not me . " You have responsibilities , I understand that and I won 't reproach you for that . What I hope for is that we can be partners again , that we won 't try to control each other , to hurt each other . We are supposed to be a family , not enemies . " After years of fighting and running and hiding I had a real opportunity for some peace . I knew that I had a lot of work to do if I wanted to plan for Emily 's and Faakhir 's downfall , but my main goal was to watch my son grow and rebuild my relationship with Kimball . I knew we had a lot of work ahead of us , but for the first time in my life I felt hope . I knew that I was safe , at least for a few years , and I had a real opportunity for happiness . " Stop ! Don 't move . " A soldier approached me with a rifle pointing at me , I knew they were going to be suspicious of any people walking to their hideout and I was glad they had opted for approaching instead of just shooting at me , maybe they were trying to minimize to avoid attracting attention . " Are you sure about that ? " I asked the man holding me at the same time that I used my powers to find his energy and started draining him . At first he didn 't understand what I was doing , but when he realized what I was doing and tried to let me go , it was too late . The rest of his men got out of their hiding places . One of the soldiers ran to us and tried to help his leader , but as soon as he touched me I started to drain him too . Using the energy from the first man and feeding from the second , I used my powers to trap the others . Some of them had already realized something was going on and tried to run , but most of them were too startled to act and were easy prey . Using my powers I opened the floor under them and buried them , some just the legs , others most of the body , leaving just their heads over ground . I felt the mental attacks , but after fighting the telepaths from my Clan , those attacks were nothing but pathetic attempts that had no effect over me . A few tried other methods to stop me , one used fire , and another a sonic attack , very similar to what Molpadia could do , but with the help of the extra energy I was stealing it was easy to stop the attacks and reinforce the prisons to stop them from attacking me . Once I had drained every drop of energy out of the two men I moved to the others . For me it had never been easy to control how much energy to steal , the first times outside forces had severed the connections , and after that I had required a great effort to stop the process . I hadn 't even tried to stop with the first two , draining them until they were empty , dead , but with the others I took the opportunity to test my control , taking only enough to make them lose consciousness for a few hours or a couple of days . It wasn 't easy , because everyone had different energy reserves , I had to learn how to read them and their limits , but it was a great training exercise . Feeling much better , enjoying the power that the stolen energy gave me , I dug out the soldiers and walked back to the base , using my mind to drag the soldiers with behind me . It took me less time to walk back , even with the added cargo , the energy flowing inside of me made it easier . When I arrived back at the base I found a large group waiting for me , I knew that news of my arrival and departure had already spread inside the base . I had been gone just a couple of hours , enough time for everyone to hear about me and my curious behavior , but Kimball wasn 't there , so I guessed he was still in the meeting . I walked inside and let the guards take care of my prisoners while I went looking for the meeting place . I knew that I had to time my entrance just right , of the consequences could be fatal . There were many guards inside the building , a couple of them were outside the door of the meeting place where the leaders of the Free Nations were talking . I stood outside the door , the two guards looked at me , but since I didn 't try to go in , they didn 't try to stop me . " Our nations had fought with you , but it 's a lost battle , all we will accomplish is to lose our people . The attacks are more violent , more frequent . It 's really worth it ? Can we afford to keep fighting ? " Said a person I didn 't know , but that I knew was working with Emily and Faakhir thanks to my visions . " I think is worth it . Do you really think that things will improve if we surrender ? " Kimball said . " Just ask the people who had been under their control , the king and queen are only concerned with their needs , they will take all of your resources without caring if you have enough for yourself . They won 't kill your people with guns , they will starve you to death . " " That 's true , " one of the rulers said , I knew him because Mzansi had helped his nation to escape from the Republic 's control . " It 's a different kind of fighting , but there is fighting . We thought that surrendering , we would help our people , but they asked for more than we could give , we had to fight for our freedom . " " Do you really think they will honor their word ? " Kgosi asked . " Once they get what they want , their armies will take the control and all the agreements will be forgotten . People like them have no honor , rumors say that Emily killed her own brother so she could take the throne . After everything she had done , I believe the story is true , and a person willing to sacrifice her own family cannot be trusted . " Everyone noticed my entrance , all the faces turned to me the moment I crossed the door . Kimball looked surprised to see me there , and I noticed he was worried , his first reaction was to think something had happened to Ethan or me , but then he noticed something in me that relaxed him , he knew I had another reason to be there . Zola looked curious , and Frederik was happy to see me , Kgosi not so much . " What I have to do will only take a moment , " I said calmly , as I used my mind to grab the traitor and throw him against the wall . All the people there got out of their seats and several guards stormed inside , some didn 't know what to do , but a few of them went after me , but before they could act I used my mind to open the man 's shirt and reveal the explosives he had strapped to his body . " I don 't think I have to explain what he was planning to do if you didn 't accept his suggestions . " " The war won 't end until all the nations are under the king and queen 's control . You are only delaying the inevitable , " the traitor said . " None of you will leave this place alive , I 'm not the only one the Republic sent . " " No , there are also a few warriors sent here to attack the place , that are currently under our army 's control . Using my powers I took the explosives , using my powers to make sure they wouldn 't explode . " The plan , if things didn 't go as they wanted , was to make these explosives explode and then , when all the guards were here trying to find out what had happened , the warriors were going to attack and take control of the base . It was a good plan , but they didn 't take me into account , they never thought someone would find out about their plan and stop them . " " You can trust me , " I said , " at least for now . " I moved to the keyboard in front of me and worked with the computer to bring a map of Africa to the surface . I highlighted the points where I knew the enemy was gathering before their attacks . " I need you to pay attention to this , because it 's very important . This points to the places where the enemy is gathering . If you move fast , you will be able to take them out . Your window of opportunity is not big , and you need to act fast or you won 't have another chance . " I could see Kgosi arguing with Zola . Frederik was talking to the leaders next to him . Kimball was staring at me , but he didn 't say anything . The people around me were agitated , afraid , and unsure of what to do . It was hard to get into some of their minds , not because they had defenses as strong as the Mzansiers , but because I didn 't know some of their languages and that made things harder to interpret . " Yes , I noticed that our enemy has a Seer working with them , that 's how they manage to stay a step ahead of us . The thing is they weren 't expecting us to have a Seeress as well . " I turned to face the man that had tried to blow us up . " Go and tell your bosses that they lost their advantage . Now that I know there is someone walking the fog , I can go in and ruin their plans . Every action they take I will see . Tell them that Mzansi 's demoness will make their lives a living hell . " " I have seen what my actions today will do for our cause . If you don 't let me act , we will be set back . " I couldn 't waste time trying not to hurt Kgosi 's pride , I had other things to worry about . " You have the information you need , and very little time to act . By the end of the day I will give this man back to his masters , and then they will know that their troops locations are compromised . " " I had a chat with Queen Sofia , " my words were received with surprise and anger , " she doesn 't share her daughter 's ideas , but she has been forced to cooperate with her plans . Talking to her I realized that Emily and Faakhir are afraid of me . I think it 's time to act . With a few well planned attacks and a few hits to their troops , we will make them realize that they can 't win against us . After that you could make a deal with them . After we are finished with them , you will be able to ask them to leave Mzansi alone , in exchange , you will neutralize the thing they fear : Mzansi 's demoness . They know I 'm the only one that can stop Sofia , and after they see what I 'm capable of , they will accept the deal . " It was my third trip to the fog , I needed to make sense of my future and those trips were the only way . Despite making the decision of going to the Acuarium that Kimball was building and accepting keeping him in my life , I still found that some paths didn 't have his presence . I needed to know why , but the paths were many and it was hard to find what I was looking for . Besides , I could see a lot of paths that kept distracting me , trying to make me see further away in my future . I knew it was important , but I didn 't have the will or the time to go there . First , I needed to understand my own future , then I could see the others . " What are you looking for ? " Someone asked me . I knew that any number of Seers could be in the fog at any given moment , but I never thought that I would find someone there , the space was too big for company to be an issue . " Our time together is yet to come . It will be a while . If our paths cross before their time , it could be very bad for us . It 's better if our encounter stays here for now . It will be years before you are ready to face the future where we are together . " " Don 't you care about the best path for everyone ? You are an important piece for the future of many nations . The decisions you make could affect millions of people . " " And what about your son 's future ? What kind of world do you want to leave for him ? " She knew me , she knew how to grab my attention , but I wasn 't going to let her manipulate me . " Are you going to tell me what to do ? If you know me , you should know that I don 't follow orders anymore . I choose my own destiny . " " I 'm here as a guide . Let me know what you need and I will do my best to show you the way . I know it 's hard to find the right path , especially when you are alone . It 's easy to get lost here , easy to lose your goal . " " You are right , you don 't know me and have no reason to trust me . Why don 't we take a look at my past so you can understand me better ? Maybe if I show you where I 'm coming from , you will find that you can trust me . " " No , the path is too long and I still have a lot to do . The future is too confusing and I need to make sense of it . " I looked back , to the single path that showed my past , it was easy to travel because it was already set , but I didn 't have the time to go looking for Sofia 's path , I needed to focus on myself . " " The more lives are involved , the more decisions need to be taken , and the more elements you have to take in consideration , the more paths will open in front of you . But , there are places where paths cross , where no matter what decisions are taken , you have to experience them no matter what . Let me show you those crossroads , maybe that will help you reach a decision . " I knew that I shouldn 't trust her , but I was curious , it wasn 't as if she could fool me , the future couldn 't be manipulated , I understood enough about the paths to know which one were more probable and which ones were just possible . I followed Sofia , she showed me some key moments in the fight between the free nations and the conquering kings , she showed me some battles where the nations fought to be free of the king 's control just to be stopped , losing hundred or thousand of lives . Sofia was linked to most of those scenarios , and I knew it was because her hand had something to do with it happening . " It 's not something I want , it 's something I have to do . You are the only one capable of changing the future , only your influence can make my predictions crumble . You think I want you here so I can hurt you or fool you , but that 's not what I want . I need your help , but I want to help you too . " " The truth is that I 'm trapped , my daughter is forcing me to use my gift to help her . Maybe you think I 'm helping her kill my people because I want to , but the truth is , it could be worse . I 'm trying to do the best I can , I want to avoid a massacre , but it 's not easy , my daughter and his husband are too thirsty for power and they want the fights to happen . I 'm doing my best to get them to back off of Mzansi , but there 's nothing I can say to change their mind . Your power and your presence it 's making things more difficult for my daughter , but it will be a time when even Mzansi will fall . " " Is that what you are doing ? Are the lives that are being lost just a sacrifice for the greater good ? " I knew the terrible things Emily and Faakhir had done , the lives that had been lost in their search for power , and I knew that Sofia had allowed that to happen by staying out of it . " Believe it or not , it could be worse . Until now you have been the only element I can 't control . The victories you have had over my daughter 's army have put you on the top of the list , you are their greatest enemy . Until now I have been able to justify my errors with the excuse that you are also a Seeress , but that won 't keep them from trying to stop you . You have been able to stop them before , and if you do it one more time , I can give you some peace , a time for you to be free and enjoy your family , you certainly deserve that . " " So you don 't care if he dies ? " For a moment I wasn 't sure if she was speaking hypothetically or is she knew something . I pretended I didn 't care , but I couldn 't think of a future without Kimball without feeling sick . Despite everything I couldn 't let him go . " You knew about this . Do you know when it 's going to happen ? " I asked Sofia , I couldn 't pretend I didn 't care anymore . " This is my daughter 's last plan , her husband and her , found a way to stop your husband and his people . If this fails , they will have to listen to me when I say they won 't be able to stop you , but if they succeed , the fight that will start will take years to finish and will claim the life of half of Mzansi 's people and many of Republican 's lives . You are the only one who can stop this from happening , and I have the power to give you and your people a few years of peace . " I took my time studying the crossroad , I needed to understand what was happening . After that , I got back to the present , if everything went as planned I would have time to do more searching later . I got out of my trance and found out I was very tired , more than normal , I had no idea how much time I had been out , but I was very thirsty and starving . I got out of the room and headed for the kitchen , it was early and the cook was making breakfast . I had just been there a few minutes when Mbali arrived . " No , Kimball is gone , he went to a meeting yesterday , and should be there for a couple more days … " Mbali kept explaining , but I was no longer paying attention . If Kimball was gone , then the attack was coming sooner that I thought . After a few weeks I realized that I needed answers , it was becoming obvious that I couldn 't keep going the same way , Kimball was miserable , walking like a ghost , taking every opportunity he had to ask me to take him back , and I wasn 't that much better , being away from him wasn 't helping me feel better , but I couldn 't go back to him either . I wanted to go back to the way we were , but I didn 't know how . Mbali words kept coming back to me , I needed answers and I knew I could find them in the fog of the future , I needed to know I was making the right choices , but it wasn 't easy . Melchizedek was out of my reach , I couldn 't depend on him to help , and going into the fog alone could be dangerous . The problem with the future was that the farther I needed to see , the more possibilities there were , to see a few hours or days wasn 't that hard , because the choices were few , but if I wanted to see weeks , months or years into the future , the possibilities grew exponentially . To see every possibility I would need an eternity , I needed to know what paths to walk , to know which ones were more likely to happen , but it wasn 't easy , especially without a guide to help me . Despite the problems , I needed to take the risk , I needed to stop wasting time and make a decision , I couldn 't keep living like that , without knowing what to do or where to go . " That 's all ? It will be my pleasure , you know I love to take care of Ethan , he is the most beautiful and charming baby I know . Don 't worry about anything , take your time , do what you need to do , Ethan will be just fine . " It wasn 't easy to leave Ethan with someone else , but I knew that I couldn 't be with him all the time , I needed to leave him with someone I could trust while I couldn 't take care of him . I wouldn 't be able to look after him while walking the fog of the future . I knew I was taking a risk by going alone , it was impossible to measure time while being there , but I trusted I would be able to return before long , I was expecting to be back before anything could happen to my body . The first step was always the hardest , it wasn 't easy to walk into the fog , to feel lost . Usually I had a vision or something to focus when walking into the fog , but I wasn 't sure what I was looking for . I needed to find a path that would take me to a happy future , one where I could be safe , with my family , without fear . There were many paths in front of me , some were clearer , some more likely to become reality . I decided to start with the ones that I knew had the best possibility of becoming a reality . I couldn 't see everything while walking the paths , if I stopped to see every detail it would take an eternity , I was just looking for glimpses of the future , enough to let me get an idea of what it would be like . I needed to focus on the bigger picture , I would have time for details later . Some of the paths showed Kimball by my side , in others I was alone . It didn 't take long to realize that the futures without Kimball were empty . I didn 't need details to know that without Kimball I would be missing something . The futures with Kimball weren 't all good , in some I could see fights and conflict , I couldn 't be sure that those futures were safe , or if we would still be fighting . Sofía , her presence was strong , she was a key component of the future , not only mine , but the future of other countries and the Republic . I knew that I needed to make sense of the images , to pay attention to the paths that were crossing my own , but when I tried to focus , I felt like the fog was clearing and I found myself back in the present , trapped , not being able to move . I panicked , I tried to fight back and I was able to break free easily , just to realize that my prison were Kimball 's arms , and that he was setting me free . " You were never gone for so long , it 's been more than a day since you asked Mbali to take care of Ethan , " Kimball 's words didn 't make sense , it felt like I had been gone for a few minutes , but I knew it was one of the risks I would face by visiting the future , it was easy to lost track of time . " I wasn 't sure what you were doing , but none of the options were good . I was afraid you were back inside your won mind , or that you had gone in an astral journey and got attacked again by the lower planes demons , and even the idea of you in the fog of the future wasn 't good , you told me that some seers could get lost there and lose their sense of time . There are many ways I could lose you , and I hate that there 's nothing I can do to protect you . " As I was waiting for him to come back , I wondered what he was going to do , he was scared again , and I was afraid of how far he would go to try to keep me safe . With my powers I was able to sense how scared he was by what had happened , and I knew he wanted to keep me safe , but how would he do that if the danger was my own mind ? What was he willing to do to keep me out of danger ? " That 's something I wanted to talk to you about , it was supposed to be a surprise , but I know it 's hard to surprise a Seeress . A few years ago , before Emily and her husband took over , a group of scientists started a project known as Acuarium , they were trying to build a submarine habitat where they could study the ocean and its ecosystems . The original plan was to have about a hundred scientists living there , working under the sea . Emily 's attacks and total control over everything put a stop on that , most people simply forgot about it , but a friend of mine , Matthew , knew about the project and talked to me about it . Together we started planning on reviving the project , his interest is scientific , he is a construction engineer , his wife a marine biologist who wanted to be part of the original project , but couldn 't get a spot , Matthew wants to make the project real for his wife . I have a different interest in the project , I think that a submarine habitat would be very hard to find and attack , I would like to use it as a safe heaven for people at risk . Originally we planned to send the Elders Council and maybe the President , but I think it 's more important to send the families of those fighting , the kids that cannot defend themselves . " " Is this a trick ? Are you sending me to the bottom of the sea , so I don 't have any chance of escape ? Is that just a new prison ? " " No ! That 's not … I just want you to have a place to call your own , ok ? A place under your control . You will be in charge of everything there , you will decide who can or can 't go in there . If you want it , not even I will be able to go there . " " We are working on expanding the place so we can send at least 500 people . At least half will be children , and that helps and complicates things . They need less space , but they won 't be as helpful with the running of the place . " " Don 't worry , I won 't get lost . Besides , you pulled me back to the present once , I 'm sure that if you are really concerned and I 'm gone too long you can do it again . " I got up , I needed to go look for Ethan . " For now all I want is to go get Ethan and get some more rest . Tomorrow I will spend the day with Ethan and the day after tomorrow I will go back to the future : " " If that 's what you need to do . " I could feel Kimball rebelling to the idea of me going back and putting myself in danger , but he wasn 't doing anything to prevent me from doing it . I wasn 't sure what to think of that . " Get some rest Kaiserin , and remember , if you need me all you have to do is ask for my help , I will be close by in case you need me . You can count on me for anything . " Kimball left and I got ready so I could go looking for my son . The journey through the fog hadn 't given me the answers I needed , I had gotten more questions that answers . I knew I needed to go back and try to make sense of my future . I was working out in the gym , trying to make up for lost time , I knew Kimball had the gym prepared just for me . While I was doing my push ups I couldn 't help but burst laughing at baby Ethan , doing his best to mimic my movements . His efforts were so funny that I couldn 't concentrate and had to stop . He didn 't know I was laughing at him and started laughing as well . Finally , I stopped and moved to the bench to work on weights , Ethan followed me , crawling at super speed . He got to the bench and used it to support himself while trying to stand up , he managed to stay on his feet for a few seconds before falling on his ass . Suppressing a giggle , I took a couple of weights and prepared to start my workout , Ethan took a weight as well , he wasn 't strong enough to lift it , but he was holding it hard and I used my mind to lift it , until Ethan was hanging from it , but refusing to let go . " Be careful , he could get hurt , " Kimball warned me . I hadn 't realized he was in the room , he had come inside while I was distracted with Ethan . Without stopping my workout I gently put Ethan back on the ground and turned to face Kimball . " We can try . Besides , if he was in real danger I 'm sure my visions would let me know . " Ethan had let go of the weight and had moved closer to Kimball , but at midway he had stopped and was crying . " I don 't think is a good idea to be together in front of Ethan , his empathy could contaminate his feelings for you , I 'm sure he 's picking out my hostility towards you and that 's not good . " " Ethan stayed up longer today , I think he is going to start walking soon . Is it normal for him to take so long to walk ? " I needed a change of topic , I wasn 't ready to talk about the both of us . " It 's actually soon . Normal kids start walking after a year , with mutants , it 's different , I walked at seven months , but I , like most in my family had an accelerated development . I think Ethan will be walking before he 's eight months old , that 's soon enough . Better than most , especially for a hybrid . " " Do you know why you had so many complications during your pregnancy ? " Kimball 's question took me by surprise and I couldn 't think of how to answer him . " Women from Mzansi usually have shorter pregnancies , we always thought it had something to do with the mothers , a mutant thing , but after what happened with you , I 'm starting to think it 's related to the child , not the mother . I think that Greca was born at term , she wasn 't premature , and even if Ethan was premature , it wasn 't that premature . Our babies develop faster , and the mutant bodies are able to compensate the rapid growth , your body wasn 't ready for that , and with the added stress you were under , it 's not surprising that you just collapsed , " he looked away and I could tell he was ashamed . " You didn 't need the added stress , you were already hurting . " " This is too much , you can 't keep doing this . Don 't you have pride ? Stop asking for an opportunity . " I wasn 't sure what I wanted or why I was still there , I missed the way we used to be , but I was too afraid of being betrayed again . I wanted to hurt him , anger him , drive him away , I just didn 't want to risk my heart again . " As far as you and Ethan are concerned , no , I don 't have any pride . I will keep begging for an opportunity as long as I think I have a chance with you . I know you still feel something for me , and I hope someday you will acknowledge my feelings for you and realize I will never hurt you again . " Ethan was still crying , and I knew it was my fault , my sadness , anger and confusion were affecting him . I tried to use my empathy to get a hold of my feelings , and I thought I had succeeded when he stopped crying , but it could easily be because Kimball had taken him into his arms . " I think Ethan needs to spend some time with you , I know he misses you . Why don 't you take care of him while I finish my workout ? " Kimball knew I was just trying to get rid of him , but he didn 't complain , he just left . " Yes , he insists he is sorry , but it 's not that easy , I can 't just forget everything he did . I trusted him , I put myself in his hands and he betrayed me , " I was getting tired of repeating the same again and again . Why couldn 't they understand my point of view ? The only way I could preserve my sanity was by feeling secure and protected , and how would I feel like that if I couldn 't trust him ? " I had too , I needed to know that I was safe here . I know that he won 't do anything for now , but I don 't know if he will change again in a few years . The future I see is too confusing to know for sure , I have no real answers to my questions . " " I understand the living underwater part , but I don 't believe the fighting part . I really don 't think Kimball would fight with you again , not for real . " I was surprised that my fighting Kimball was what she found unbelievable . " Please , let 's talk about something else , we are getting nowhere with this discussion . I know what you all think and want , but you are only thinking about what he needs and what he wants , you are not thinking about me and my well being . I need someone who won 't try to control me , someone who can let me be free . I didn 't have an easy life , I have already paid for my errors and other people 's errors , I have paid for my faults and the faults that others thought I had committed . Kimball was supposed to be my refuge , he wasn 't supposed to become another one of my hells . " " I 'm sorry you feel like that . You are my friend and I do want what 's best for you , and I think that 's Kimball . We all make mistakes , but my cousin learnt his lesson and he won 't repeat his mistake . " " You should take some time to think about this : Do you really want to be away from Kimball ? Or would you rather give him another chance ? I know he loves you and I remember how happy you both used to be , you don 't look so happy anymore . " " That 's your cousin 's fault , he is the reason I can 't feel at ease , but you are wrong , I am happy . I have Ethan , and he gives me peace and comfort . I don 't need anything else . " " As Greca , but that doesn 't change anything . I won 't let anyone control me again . I lived most of my life trying to find the freedom to be myself , I 've been trying for years to be free , to have control over my own life and decisions , and I won 't give up that for anyone . " " Freedom is an illusion , there 's always something affecting how we act . You could say we are free , but the truth is that we are prisoners to circumstances , every action , every decision we make is focused on defeating our enemies . Even while fighting for freedom we are being controlled . " In the months I had been hiding inside my own mind , Ethan had grown a lot . At first I had been afraid he wouldn 't survive , but he was a strong , healthy baby , just like Kimball had promised . While I nursed him I felt a connection with him that I couldn 't even describe , it was like we were alone in the world , like everything in life was perfect . It was my happy time , a time when I had no worries , when all I needed was him . I wasn 't sure why I was nursing in that room . It had been two days since the attack and Kimball 's people had done a good job restoring the place , it was almost as if the fight hadn 't happened . No one had questioned my return or tried to tell me what to do . Those who didn 't know me from before were surprised by my new personality , those who knew me were relieved that I was back . No one tried to question my authority or bother me in any way , but I knew some , like Mbali , were dying to question my actions , before and after arriving back in Mzansi . Ethan finished his meal , but he wasn 't sleepy , the food had filled him with energy . He was restless and moving in my arms , he took my necklace with his little hand . The necklace that had grabbed his attention was a gift from Kimball , it was supposed to be a gadget capable of disarming any power suppressor . It was just one of his attempts to show me that he would never try to control me again , but I wasn 't sure if he was telling the truth . What if it was more than that , what if it was a suppressor , something to control me ? I had no technical knowledge that would allow me to see if what he said was true . And then there was the cape , another gift meant to help and protect , but I could feel the technology in it . What if it did more than what he said ? What if he could use it to control me ? I was confused . I had the chance to leave , but I was waiting for Kimball to wake up , and why ? What was I expecting ? I was angry at him , I couldn 't forgive him , or trust him , but I couldn 't leave him either . I hated him , but I hated myself for staying . Why I was even thinking about him ? Why was I even considering staying with him . He had betrayed me once , he would do it again . Maybe he was trying to make me feel safe before attacking again . But Sklave 's memories showed a kind , considerate Kimball , a man that had done his best to make sure that Sklave was safe and happy , he hadn 't tried to take advantage of her even once , he had worked on making her stronger , more confident . Ethan was getting frustrated with the necklace , his mind was so basic , his thoughts undeveloped , but sometimes he showed his Mzansier heritage , blocking his mind from me , it wasn 't the case , I could see his thoughts , he was mesmerized by the sparkling stones in the necklace , he wanted to capture it , take it for himself . His little hands started pounding on my chest , taking out his frustration on me , not able to contain it anymore . I couldn 't help but laugh at his tantrum , and that distracted him , he was no longer concerned about the necklace , he started babbling at me , as if we were discussing something important . I loved how easily he could change from one line of thinking to another . I was startled when the door opened , too focused on Ethan to notice someone was approaching the room . The nurse that was taking care of Kimball got into the room and went to the bed to check on him . Once she started moving him , he started to react , I heard him moan in pain . The nurse informed him that he had been injured and explain the extent of his injuries and what they were doing about them . My head was down , focused on Ethan , but I could feel Kimball 's eyes on me . Once the nurse left , Kimball moved in the bed until he was seated , his back against the headboard . " Kaiserin ! " He was glad I was back , but I could feel his confusion and apprehension . " What happened ? Why are you back ? Did my messages finally reach you ? " " I 'm sorry , I failed you again , I did my best to keep both of you safe , but I couldn 't . I 'm glad you 're back , though , you should never have left . I 'm surprised you didn 't take off to the Empire as soon as you got back . " One of Kimball 's many presents was an airplane and the crew to fly it to wherever I wanted to go , I knew I could have gone to any place I wanted with Kimball 's full support . " I don 't know if I 'm going to be able to do that , I can 't forgive what you did . I don 't understand , I don 't even know who you are anymore . At first you were this wonderful person , and then you changed completely , you showed Sklave your softer side , but I 'm not sure who I will find . I don 't know if I 'm ever going to be able to trust you again . " Ethan had heard Kimball 's voice and was twisting in my arms , looking for him , his little arms extended , wanting to go to him . I got up and closed the distance between us , letting Ethan go into his arms . At least something I could fully believe in was Kimball 's love for his son . " I don 't know if I can trust me , to make a good decision on what you are concerned . " " I know I made a mistake , I noticed too late . I love you Kaiserin , I would anything for you , but I was scared , after we were captured and I was forced to see them torture you , I changed , I couldn 't let go of my fear of losing you . When I knew that you were pregnant with Ethan that fear only got worse . Do you have any idea of how I felt when I heard you had been hurt in battle ? Losing you and my son was my worse nightmare , and I felt like it could become reality any moment . " " So you decided to make MY nightmares real ? Were you punishing me for scaring you ? For going into battle without your approval ? For not obeying you ? You knew how your actions would affect me , you knew how much I sacrificed just because I wanted to avoid what you did . I was willing to do anything I could to prevent what you did . " " I wasn 't even thinking about you and what it would do to you , I was selfishly thinking of me . I didn 't even realize how it would affect you until you went catatonic . That 's when I knew my actions were hurting you , and I took the suppressor off immediately . I don 't blame you for lashing out at me and hurting me , I deserved it , but believe me , even without your punishment , I would be repentant . I didn 't want to lose you , I never realized that my actions were the ones that would drive you away from me . " " I wasn 't planning to drag you back , I just wanted to make sure you and Ethan were safe . By the time we reached the Empire you were already with the Naturalists , and you didn 't seem to be in trouble , so I stayed away . When we saw your brother and his army we attacked them so they wouldn 't reach you , we gave you a chance to run away from them . If you hadn 't called for help , I would have shadowed you until you reached safety . " " You were scared and distressed when I found you , I knew that your treatment would be complicated and I didn 't want you to fight me about everything I asked of you , but I was just referring to your treatment , it wasn 't forever , just for as long as it took to deliver Ethan . And I wasn 't trying to take your powers away , that was another misunderstanding , while we were treating you , your psychic wall came up twice , it was messing with our ability to help you , and when we realized we needed to operate , we couldn 't risk you creating your barrier in the middle of the operation , you could have bled out or Ethan died while we were unable to reach you . I asked them to take the suppressor off as soon as the operation ended , but the rest of the doctors were afraid and decided to leave it without letting me know . If you have Sklave 's memories you must know that I took it off as soon as I realized you had it . " " I know I did wrong and I will do anything to show you how sorry I am , nothing like that will ever happen again . You have your necklace , your cape , your guards , transport to anywhere you want . If you want we could go back to the Amazons , I could be your slave again , I will do whatever you want . " " You know it 's impossible to go with them , not with Ethan . I know that was my plan when I was pregnant , but there no way I can give him up now , not after spending so much time with him . I can 't leave him in the Fortress like I did with his sisters . And I 'm not sure what to think about your gifts , I know that the guards and the crew are loyal to you , one word is all they need to turn against me . And the others ? How can I know they do what you say they do ? The necklace could be a suppressor as easily as it could be what you claim it to be . And the cape ? I can feel the technology in it , and I don 't know what it does , how do I know it won 't be used against me ? " " The last time I trusted you , I ended up drugged and locked away . After that , your word doesn 't mean much . You know why I stayed away from my brother , I was afraid of what he would do , afraid of being vulnerable and being taken advantage of . You showed me that it was an error to trust you , that you can turn against me easily , betray me without a thought . You were one of the few people that knew just how weak I really am , how afraid I am of losing control , and you took advantage of that . You know my weaknesses and you exploited them , you used that knowledge to destroy me . " " It 's the same for me . You know my fears , you know my past . Losing my family almost destroyed me the first time . Just the idea of losing you turned me into a monster . You have the power to destroy me . You can grab Ethan and leave , and you would be taking my very soul with you . I know letting you go will kill me , but I will do it if that makes you happy . I know that you can 't read my mind , but you can feel what I feel , you know I love you and my son , you are my everything . You are my reason to live , my strength , my weakness . My life is in your hands and you can do what you want with it . " " I wanted to destroy you , but I couldn 't . I don 't know why , you were hurt , it would have been easy to finish you and get rid of you once and for all , but I couldn 't . I should have killed you as soon as I could , and I tried , I really did , but couldn 't . Why ? What did you do to me ? " " All I have done is love you . I know I made mistakes and I hurt you , but I do love you . I think you can 't kill me because you can 't live without me , same as me . Please , give me another chance to show you I care , that I regret my actions . I won 't hurt you ever again , I learnt my lesson . " " I don 't know if I can , " I took Ethan back and moved away . " You have to rest , I will bring Ethan later . He misses you , " before Kimball could say anything I left . Being near him was hard , I was confused and he didn 't help . I wasn 't the same old Kaiserin , I had decided not to fall for anyone lies ever again , but he sounded sincere and I was afraid to trust again just to be hurt again . I was looking at Sklave 's memories of Ethan , surprised by how much he had grown up . It was my favorite activity , watching him grow through Skalve 's memories , but sometimes it wasn 't enough . I wanted to see it all , not just fragments , but I knew Kimball was out there , and I refused to touch the memories that I knew he was in , and they were many . Something was wrong that day , something bad was happening to Sklave , I could feel her mind looking for ways to access her powers , her memories in disarray . I hadn 't put the same pain locks in her part of the mind as my father had done , but I had a few mechanism to keep her from using her powers , so Kimball wouldn 't keep the suppressor on her all the time . That Sklave was so desperate to access those powers , was a clear sign that something was going on , something with Ethan , because I knew she would never risk it for herself . I saw memories of Sklave feeding Ethan , as usual , when the first explosion occurred . Kimball had ran into the bedroom and taken both Sklave and Ethan to a secret passage , telling her to run , but she couldn 't escape , the passage had collapsed and there was no way out . I wasn 't worried about Kimball or Sklave , but I couldn 't let anything happen to Ethan . I tried to think of a different option , but I knew the only choice was to go back . I had already worked a way to reclaim my mind , I had everything ready to tear apart the divisions in my mind . Like an overflowing river new memories flooded my mind , letting me retake control of my body . The first thing I heard was Ethan 's crying , the first sight I saw was Kimball 's body blocking the door , being hit with an endless rain of bullets . He was wearing his armor , but I knew that even that couldn 't withstand the attack for long . The room we had taken refuge in was big , but had nowhere to hide , in the middle I could see a blackened door , I was sure they had blasted it up trying to gain access to the room . Kimball had managed to keep them out , trying to protect us , buying time until reinforcements arrived . I extended my senses , so I could know what was going on outside of the room . An enemy squad , about a dozen warriors were outside the room . I heard screaming and a new explosion , my new memories let me know that we were underground and we could end being buried , we needed to get out . As I was trying to come up with a plan to get out of there one of the enemies found a weak spot in Kimball 's armor and shoot him through the neck . Kimball fell , trying to stop the blood from spilling with one hand , and taking a grenade with the other . I saw him throw the grenade , but he was weak and the toss didn 't have enough strength behind it , so I used my powers to help it . Our enemies knew what he was doing , and managed to get to cover , and just a few seconds after the explosion they were moving towards us . The first warrior to arrive used the butt of his rifle to knock Kimball out . " Is she the one he was trying so hard to protect ? " Another man asked , the first one to notice me . " Take her , even if she doesn 't know anything , we can use her to make the General cooperate , and if not , we can use her for entertainment . " A couple of warriors took Kimball by his feet and dragged him out of the room , while another couple advanced towards me , one of them keeping his rifle on me . Sklave 's memories told me that the cape I was wearing was a combination of kevlar , metal and nanobots , designed to protect me , even from bullets . Using my powers I made a connection with the material and I was surprised by how fluid and manageable it was , even if it looked pretty solid . It was like working with water , but it was more powerful , I could use it for defense , but also to attack . I moved the sword in front of me in a defensive stand , and the other warrior pointed his weapon at me , I could tell by the way he was holding it that his intention was only to injure , not to kill , he wanted to make sure I wouldn 't be able to fight them . I extended my senses , so I could feel his finger on the trigger , when I felt him starting to squeeze it , I used my mind to grab the other warrior and moved him so he would be between the bullet and me . I heard the shot and then I saw the warrior 's head exploding , I was fast enough to lift my psychic wall in time to stop the blood and brain matter from reaching me . His partner wasn 't so lucky as I was , his clothes splattered with blood . His face was full of horror and he realized what had just happened , and then it morphed into one of rage , he lifted his weapon again , no longer looking to injure me , but to kill me . The rest of the squad had realized the fight wasn 't going in his favor , and they had their weapons pointed at me , but they weren 't risking firing , for fear I would repeat the trick and make them shoot their partner . Once the bullets ran out the man grabbed the rifle as a club and tried to hit me with it , but I could fend the hit using the sword . For a minute we fought each other , but despite his strength and speed I was able to hold my own using my powers to help me . I finally found an open , and with a quick slash I was able to cut his throat , his hot blood hit me and drenched me . I knew the gun didn 't have any ammo left , but I grabbed it anyway trying to connect to it so I could learn its feel and working mechanisms . " What are you waiting for ? " A woman , part of the enemy squad asked . " Fire at her ! " But her order was late , I had already connected to their weapons and disabled them , the triggers not longer working . Using my sword I tried to hit him , but he moved out of my range before I could , he was too fast for me to adapt . Another warrior reached me and tried to punch me , he hit my wall with so much force that I felt it crumbling . Two warriors were dead , another two had left with Kimball , that left with eight of them for me to fight . Using my powers I threw one of them against his partners , but the strong one hit my wall again and broke it down , another warrior took that opportunity to hit me . I felt the punch to my stomach and wanted to bend over , but I knew that Ethan was at my back and I needed to keep him out of harms way , I couldn 't allow them access to him . The man tried to grab me and throw me against the wall , but I fought him , I couldn 't let him push me or Ethan would be hurt . While I was wrestling him I felt a grenade on his belt and managed to grab it , he tried to take it back , but using my mind , I used an energy wave to throw all of them away so I could move freely . I used my powers to connect to the grenade , then I extended my senses to feel all of the grenades , most of the warriors were carrying one in their belts . I took the pin out and threw the grenade , one of them managed to hit it and send it outside , but they didn 't know that I had activated all of the grenades at the same time . Using my mind , I grabbed the door that was lying in the middle of the room and put it in front of me , then I rebuilt my psychic wall in front of me , that and my cape had to be enough to protect me from the explosion . The noise had been very loud , and the silence that followed was eery . I let the door drop and moved to see the results of the attack , the room was full of blood and body parts , it was hard to know that they had been people just a few minutes before . I felt Ethan move and realized he wasn 't crying anymore , I was scared his silence could mean that he was hurt so I used my powers to bring him back to my arms and started going over him , making sure he was unharmed , I knew I had nothing to worry about when he started laughing at me , as if my hands checking him were meant to tickle him . As I saw his smile I realized it was the first time that I had really been with him , I was seeing him by myself , not through the eyes of someone else , and it was a wonderful feeling . As I watched him , being happy and carefree I heard steps coming our way and realized that we were still in danger , I needed to keep him safe . I put the cape around him again and fastened him to me so I could fight . The two warriors that had taken Kimball away were back , they got inside and when they saw what had happened in the place they were horrified , one of them , the younger one , started throwing up , overwhelmed by the smell of blood and the sight of body parts . The other warrior scanned the place and saw me , he knew exactly who to blame , he got his assault rifle up and tried to shoot me , but I had already disabled his weapon . He got a different weapon out , a gun , one I didn 't know , so I used my powers to take it away and push him against the wall . When I did that I lost my sight , the world around me turned black , then I noticed my hearing was also gone , my other senses affected . I reinforced my psychic wall and my cape , knowing I was going to be attacked soon , and I was , I felt the hit to my wall and then I felt someone grabbing me . I didn 't fight him , I used the connection to search for his energy as I moved my psychic shield to the surface of my skin , enough to keep me safe from his hits while I started getting his energy . In just a few seconds the hits stopped and my attacker tried to let go of me , but I kept holding him . I regained my sight and hearing and saw him trying to get free of me , but I wouldn 't let him , I used my powers to grab his head and twist it until his neck broke . I heard a scream and realized I had forgotten about my other enemy , the young man was on the other side of the room , next to the door , when he disappeared , I was expecting him to attack , but after extending my senses I realized that he was running away . Once again , I checked that Ethan was alright and started my way out of that place . The young warrior had a good start on me , and he was fast , so by the time I got out he and the rest of his people was already waiting for me . Around twenty warriors were outside , a few of them were guarding a group of Mzansiers , but most of them were waiting for me , their weapons ready to fire at me as soon as I crossed the door to the outside . I used my powers to connect to the ground under my feet and caused the floor under them to shake , enough to break their balance . After that I took control of their weapons and fired them at their owners . Using the energy I had taken from the warrior I grabbed a few of them and lifted them in the air , just to drop them again over their partners , once they were all gathered together , I called a whirlwind to trap them all . The strong winds tossed them around , causing a few of them to die and the rest to be injured . Only one of them got away , the young man that had teleportation powers , making it hard to hold him down . Once the energy was consumed and I couldn 't keep the whirlwind going anymore , I grabbed a gun and went to execute the ones that were still alive . I heard a helicopter and saw the young warrior aboard , I thought he was going to use the weapons on the helicopter to attack , but he just ran away . Once all the enemies were dead I went to where the Mzansiers were being held , I realized that most were servants , not warriors . I recognized Mbali , she was kneeling next to Kimball , who was lying down , still unconscious , Tau was next to them . I took a knife and cut the ropes holding the servants , Mbali was looking at me , but she didn 't say anything , not until I finally reached her and set her free . " I need to wash off the blood , " I said , " I 'll go to my room . Don 't worry about Ethan , I will take care of him . " Without further words I went back to the Palace , using Skalve 's memories to find my way back to my room . I had a lot to think about , a lot to make sense of now that my memories were all together again . |
December 23 : Let the gift - giving ( and receiving ) begin ! My mother - in - law insisted that we give the boys their first present - - a little tikes sport coupe . Here they are , enjoying it : Christmas Eve : We went to Eric 's paternal grandparents ' for their annual Christmas Eve party . This includes my father - in - law , his two sisters , and most of their children and grandchildren . We are regulars , except for last year when I was stuck at home gestating . Here is Benjamin on his great - aunt Annette 's lap : Here is Eric holding Asher . Asher is wearing his " My 1st Christmas " bib . I gave him some tastes of baked beans , watermelon , and a little shred of ham . He seemed to like all of it . Ben also had tastes , and my mother - in - law worried that I would upset their tummies , but it seemed to go down fine . Here is Asher , sitting on his great - grandpa Whitten 's lap . Asher cried when Santa came , but was perfectly happy to sit on Grampa 's lap . Grampa loves his great - grandsons and it 's so sweet . We were going to wait to open our gifts , but memere and pepere got excited and opened all the boys ' toys . They got a ton of stuff ! Here they are with a box , and their new cell phone : The rest of the day was quiet . My sister came up from Boston since she was all alone , and we took the babies on a walk and I gave my sister a brief tour of Main St . in Sanford . My mother - in - law made a huge turkey dinner and we got totally stuffed ! My goodness , we are in trouble ! In the mornings , we have been parking our boys in their toys , usually Benjamin in the jumperoo and Asher in the exersaucer . It has gotten less effective over time , because Asher hates to be stuck in one place . So this morning while I was emptying the dishwasher and getting myself some coffee , I heard him fussing and figured that I would just pull him out as soon as I finished with the dishwasher ( Asher has had some trouble with the open dishwasher , pulling out forks and knives and once shutting his hand in the door . . . ) . Instead I heard the pitter patter of Asher crawling , and he charged into the kitchen and headed straight for the basement stairs , since there was no gate up ! I thought , " Eric must have gotten him out . " But there was no Eric . A few minutes later , Eric came down the stairs . I asked , " Did you get Asher out of the exersaucer ? " Of course not ! So , somehow , Asher managed to pull himself out ! Without any serious harm , thank goodness . There goes that way of getting a moment to myself . . . I am running out of options , which is tough when I need to go to the bathroom or do something like unload / load the dishwasher . If this is how he is at 9 months , what are we in for ? I think I am going to have to put him in some kind of gymnastics / athletics as soon as he can walk ! One year ago today I called my OB and asked to seen because I was worried that something wasn 't right . I was 21 weeks and 4 days pregnant . On ultrasound we saw two perfect babies , and one shortening cervix . He wrote a prescription for progesterone suppositories ( which I have managed to forget how disgusting those were ! ) and sent me home telling me to take it easy over the next few days ( no walking , but I could go to work since I sit the whole time I am there ) and to come back that Friday , December 18 . I remember feeling so sad that my life was changing , but still feeling hopeful that when I went on the 18th , my cervix would be stable and I would be ok to keep working and take our trip to Maine for Christmas . Yesterday we had an early 9 month appointment for the boys with the pediatrician . Benjamin weighed in at 18 pounds even , and was 27 inches tall . Asher weighed 18 lbs , 4 oz ( this is probably an estimate , given that he was climbing off the scale the whole time ) and they said he is 27 1 / 2 inches tall ( this is also probably inaccurate , the boys stand next to each other all the time and Asher is at least 1 inch taller than Ben , if not more , and he was wiggling , turning , and screaming while they tried to measure him ) . Yes , Asher was our trouble maker on Monday ! The doctor seemed to think they were perfectly healthy , and commented on their physical prowess . . . she seems to think they are a little advanced in terms of their development at this point , which is nice to hear , but of course meaningless in the long term . It just means I don 't have to worry about developmental milestones this week . We will just keep doing the same as we 've been doing , since it seems to be working . Benjamin and Asher still get breast milk exclusively , nursing the 6 days I am home and getting a couple of bottles when I am at work . They eat 3 solid meals each day . For breakfast I give them a carb ( usually toast , some pancake , some waffle ) and some fruit . Here I want to rave about Munchkin feeder bags - - I put pieces of juicy fruits in them , like melon or pear , and the boys go to town ! They eat the fruit up and I keep giving them more . I would say they can probably each eat half a pear this way ! Lunch starts with something like toast , and then they get yogurt mixed with a fruit , or a vegetable on the side . They like all orange vegetables , and I am working in some green ones - - they tolerate peas and now spinach , and it 's time to try again with the green beans . At dinner I also give them some toast because they love to feed themselves , and then they get cereal mixed with a fruit or vegetable . I have not noticed a drop - off in their nursing even though they are eating these three meals with a good appetite . It is fun for me to share some of my favorite foods with them , and to watch them enjoy eating . We 're also going to work on taking them out to restaurants more often so that they can get accustomed to eating out - - I want my boys to have good table manners ! Their sleep is going well . At nights they are going straight from 7 pm to 5 or 5 : 30 am , and I nurse them , and they go back to sleep until 7 or 7 : 30 . They take a morning nap at 9 , hopefully until 10 : 30 . . . and then again at 1 pm until hopefully 3 . If their afternoon nap is lousy , I try to get them down again around 4 or 4 : 30 for a cat nap just so that they don 't fall apart and make for a miserable evening . They are generally agreeable , friendly babies who love to meet new people , love to play peek - a - boo , love to crawl , and are content to explore every corner of our house . I am one proud mommy ! Every time I see them I am happily surprised by how beautiful they are . I cannot believe my luck to have these two angels as my children . My mom 's friend Lynne came over last week and took a ton of pictures of the boys , and a few of us as a family . One thing we learned - - if you want a good family shot , do it before the individual shots ! Our guys were exhausted ! Still , we liked the picture I posted above enough to use in our holiday cards this year - - for the first time ever we 're doing photo cards . We never did birth announcements for the boys , so I wanted a photo card to send to friends and family , and to the various doctors and specialists who helped us have this beautiful family . This picture cracks me up ! Both Benjamin and Eric are making the same crooked smile with one eye squinty . In looking at the photos Lynne took , it is really obvious how much Benjamin looks like his daddy ! We had a wonderful moment today while video chatting with Eric 's parents . Eric was hiding behind the couch to play peek - a - boo , and the boys were standing with their hands on the cushion with Eric 's laptop in front of them . They were both laughing , and Asher was so excited , between Eric playing peek - a - boo and seeing his face on the laptop screen , that he kept picking his hands up to wave them around and would fall over ! Every time he stood he bounced on his little legs in excitement . It was hysterical to watch , and I was struck by how lucky I am . I laughed until there were tears coming out of my eyes . As we come up on the one year anniversary of my being placed on bed rest , I am thankful all the time for how our lives turned out . I just wanted to post this picture of my guys ( Benjamin on the left and then Asher ) visiting their friends Brynn and Alex . Today we went to Brynn and Alex 's house ( and their mom , Alli , was there , too ) for a play date . Alli has made their living room completely baby - proof , and it was filled with all kinds of fun toys . All 4 babies crawled all over the place , pulled up on everything , played with toys , and generally enjoyed themselves enough that Alli and I could actually have some adult conversation . Then I was lucky and they fell asleep in the car on the way home and stayed asleep until 5 : 30 . . . although Benjamin was a real crab after he woke up and whined and cried until bedtime . Poor bug . Boy , have things changed ! We are both incredibly lucky that we have healthy babies - - she went to 38 weeks with her twins who are exactly 4 weeks older than my boys . Now all 4 of them are active , curious babies who don 't sit still for a second ! We had a great time with our visit and can 't wait to go back . This past week I have been pretty consumed with thinking about work , my career , and what my next step should be . Tuesday a week ago , I had scheduled a new client to come in at 1 pm for a crisis appointment . At 1 : 15 when she hadn 't showed , I called to check . . . turns out her husband had managed to get her an appointment somewhere else the night before , and so she wasn 't coming in . . . but they had forgotten to call . So I spent 6 hours in New Jersey and only worked for 3 of them . The money I earned barely paid for our nanny . And I was so annoyed , being away from home while paying someone else to take care of my babies . I ended up spending those 3 hours applying to 2 other jobs . Two jobs that are full - time . Ever since , I have been going back and forth in my head . Pros , cons , pros , cons . The pros of a full - time job are : steady income , hours for licensure , and the jobs I applied to are a shorter commute . The con , which might outweigh any pros : I would be away from my boys 40 + hours a week . I have been fortunate , because I have gotten interviews at both the places to which I had applied . The interviews seemed to go well , and both said they would like to see me for a second round interview . I already prefer one place over the other , and if they make me an offer , it will be hard to refuse . But I think that if I can make things work at my current job , I think I would be happy . I need to work more days per week , and I need more clients on those days . I told my supervisor about my concerns , and she thinks she can work things out . I have tried to tell myself that we will all be fine if I work full - time . I am sure my boys would be ! But would I ? Just being away from them yesterday for work and this morning for the job interview felt like too much time away . And I can 't even begin to imagine my exhaustion working full - time and being a mom in my other hours . I know I have been so lucky to have had all this time with them , and that some moms get 6 weeks and that 's it . I know these are the ramblings of a privileged woman . But perhaps I 've been spoiled , and now I can 't stand to think about being separated from my babies . I have heard other working moms say that they felt being at home was like losing their identity , but I have not felt that way . I would never give up my career , but I just don 't know if I am ready to make it my sole focus at this point . I am so happy as a mom , and I really do cherish my time with the boys . In the midst of all this dithering and ambivalence , Eric sent me this picture while I was at work yesterday : This afternoon at 3 pm , my dad took Toby to the vet to be put to sleep . Toby was diagnosed with lung cancer early this summer , at the age of 15 . My parents decided they would not treat him , since the odds of it working were slim , and it would just make him sick . We all agreed that Toby would stay around as long as he was comfortable . Today , Toby seemed very sick and unable to sit or lie down . He had lost control of his bowels . We had to say goodbye . It 's so hard to believe that he 's really gone . He was the first cat we ever had who was friendly and would let us pick him up , cuddle him , and would purr on our laps . He was so patient and tolerant and was wonderful with children . He was a Scottish Fold - - the only bred cat we 've ever had , and probably ever will . He had medium - length fur that was so soft , especially right under / behind his tiny folded ears . His front paws were big and faced out like a ballet dancer 's . He was a pretty quiet cat and would really never cry unless it was time for him to be fed . The first night we got him , he slept in my room with my sister and me , and he ran in circles for hours ! Eventually he settled on top of my head , kneading and purring away . I remember being annoyed that I couldn 't sleep , but one look at his tiny kitten body melted all my anger . When we first got him , he used to step into his food bowl with his front two paws and get food all over his face . It was messy , but adorable . For dinner I tried to give the boys a Hanukkah special - - mashed potatoes with applesauce instead of a latke and applesauce . Not a hit . Asher took a few mouthfuls , gagged , and then refused to open his mouth . So I got him a bowl of oatmeal and applesauce , which he was only too happy to eat , and began his singing and humming that he makes when he 's eating something he really likes . Benjamin seemed to suffer through it , but even he wasn 't thrilled . I had picked up some Hanukkah gelt at Trader Joe 's as their gift , although they don 't eat chocolate . I just wanted their first gift to be something traditional ! Here is Benjamin , chewing on the bag : They do have some other gifts coming , nothing big or expensive , just a few toys that I remember having when I was little and that I thought were important for them to have , too . We 'll have Hanukkah with my parents over the next few nights , and I think that my mom has gotten a few little things for them . I am just glad to have children to share the holiday with , since I remember how much I loved it as a child . My parents were never out of control with gifts , but I loved lighting the candles , getting a surprise , and playing with my new toys ( or reading my new books ! ) each night . Today it seemed like the boys had little colds - - slightly snotty , more fussy , and Asher napped A LOT . We all slept in until 8 after waking up around 6 for the boys to eat , which was a nice surprise . We all are in need of a little extra rest until we feel better , which will hopefully be soon , since play group is scheduled to be at our house on Friday and I will have to send people elsewhere if my guys are sick . Of course we had so much to be thankful for this year , not least of all the fact that Benjamin and Asher are thriving and wonderful . One year ago I was pregnant and had not yet been placed on bed rest , and I really had no idea what lay ahead of us . I am also lucky in many other ways that I think about all the time : I have a husband who I love and who loves me ; a supportive family who lives nearby ( and supportive in - laws who live farther away ! ) ; a safe , warm home ; more food than I can eat ; and plenty of extras that make life more comfortable and enjoyable . I have always loved Thanksgiving , and it is probably my favorite holiday . Partly because I love food , and we make a big production over cooking and eating , and my mom and Aunt Jane are excellent cooks , so everything is always delicious . But partly because so much of my family comes to town , and I love getting to see everyone . This year I had all four of my grandparents here , and how many people at my age still have that ? Reading those stories , I realized that many of our Thanksgivings are marked by events that other people consider horror stories . One year my uncle drove my grandparents down from Boston and commented upon arrival to my father that " the brakes felt funny . " My dad , being the conscientious person he is , immediately took the car to the mechanic only to be told that the brakes were finished , and my family was lucky to have made it to town alive ! That same year , my grandmother had brought her good jewelry with her ( no one knows why ) , and then lost it . Turned out she had taken it out of her bag and put it in her lap while in the car ( again , no one knows why ) , and when she got out of the car in my aunt and uncle 's driveway , the bag of jewelry fell into the leaves piled up at the edge of the driveway . Fortunately , someone found the jewelry within a few days , but Grandma was going crazy until then ! And we think it was that same year , but maybe it wasn 't , my grandpa was having trouble swallowing and choked on dinner . But rather than say something , he got up and went to the bathroom and was there forever . Finally we checked on him , we were so frightened , and worried we would have to leave in the middle of dinner to take him to the ER ( and more worried about him dying , but I felt bad even saying that ) . That same grandpa was , for years , responsible for smoking a turkey . He had a very precise method and no one else knew how to do it . One morning , while preparing the turkey , something slipped and he cut himself fairly deeply . My mom took one look at it and said , " Put a band - aid on it . No one else knows how to cook that turkey , and I 'm not letting you go to the hospital until the turkey 's done . " So after dinner that night , my dad took his dad to the ER , where they said it was too late to do anything but had he come in that morning , he would have gotten stitches . There are other things that have gone on and been said , but I can 't write about them because family members might read this . Suffice it to say , think of the things that go on with your family and assume it happens with ours ! In the end , most Thanksgivings are very stressful for my mom , and I love the end - of - weekend decompression with her where we laugh over all the family 's foibles , and usually indulge in some retail therapy . This year was different , and that was a little hard for me . I did not get to spend the same amount of time with family that I usually do , since my schedule is dictated by my boys ' schedule . My sister often spends Thanksgiving at my house , and we linger over coffee in the mornings and go for jogs for exercise . This year , she arrived Wednesday night , and after Benjamin woke up at 2 am crying , she said she would stay with my parents the rest of the weekend . I didn 't get to actually say goodbye to either set of my grandparents , since they all left during nap times or bed time . I know that everyone understands and is just happy to have seen me and the boys , but it is an adjustment for me . I don 't know how many years I have left with all my grandparents , so it is hard when I feel as though I have missed out on time with them . Today Benjamin and Asher turned 8 months old ! I really can 't believe how old they are , and how big they are . Eric got on the scale with them ( they were dressed ) , and they both weigh over 18 . 5 lbs . Asher is getting his 3rd tooth ( the bottom one next to the one already there ) , and the top tooth he has is really coming in and he looks so silly ! I miss those gummy smiles already . Sleep is going pretty well - - we are still feeding them once a night , but they are sleeping straight through from 7 pm to 5 am , and then back to sleep again until 7 or 7 : 30 most days . Their first Thanksgiving was anti - climactic for them after that - - they didn 't really eat too much Thanksgiving food , since our dinner was at 7 : 30 pm , after their bedtime . During the day I was with them all day while everyone else cooked , so that was a strange experience for me , my first year not cooking . We did find time to read from the Nutshell Library with Meema Alison : I did give them each a taste of baby food turkey yesterday . I have to admit that it looked so disgusting that I couldn 't stand looking at it , so I wasn 't very sad when they seemed to dislike it . Their next meat will be homemade and home food - milled so that I won 't feel grossed out feeding it to them ! The downside to all this holiday excitement is that their nap and sleep schedules have been a mess , since they now have a hard time sleeping when there is something else going on . No need to get into details , but I am finding that I am not very flexible when it comes to sleep schedules and would rather miss out on the party than have my guys be tired cranks . It is hard , though , because I do like them to spend time with all of their great - grandparents , grandparents , and cousins . It should be interesting at Christmas when we go visit Eric 's family - - there are more events and more people ! I have thought about hope all day today . What is life without hope ? If we aren 't hoping for good things for our future , why are we living each day ? If we aren 't hoping for the best , what is life for ? Today I saw my friend 's hopes destroyed . She found out that her fourth IVF did not work , and she is not pregnant . She doesn 't know if she will ever be a mother . All of a sudden I realized just how much hope I was holding on to for her , how much I had told myself this cycle would work , she would be pregnant . And I know she was feeling the same way , but even more so . This hope was beyond the desire for something to happen , and was truly an expectation that it would work . How could it not ? She has been through so much , surely it was her turn for good news . So what does she hope for now ? I know she is hoping that somehow , some way , she will become a mother . And I hope the same . My job is to give others hope . People come to see me when they are at the end of their rope , and they hope that I can help them change , help them gain a new perspective on their life , give them reason to keep moving forward . They hope I can relieve their pain , teach them new things . Sometimes our hopes get adjusted ; we take what happens to us and alter our picture of the future to accommodate those changes . But we always keep up hope . Hope that one day we will get pregnant , we will stay pregnant , we will hold a baby in our arms . Our depression will lift , our anxiety will calm , our lives will slow down . Hope that if today is not good , tomorrow will be better . So here 's hoping for a better tomorrow . Ouch ! I seem to have gotten mastitis . Google says it 's most common in the early weeks of nursing , but apparently it happens at other points , too . A couple of weeks ago I had a milk blister , and I have had two blisters before that have resolved themselves pretty quickly , so I didn 't pay much attention to it . My nipple was still sore , but nothing I couldn 't ignore . . . and then it felt worse and worse . And then on Saturday night , I realized as I was holding Asher that my entire left breast was sore . Nursing and pumping on Saturday night were so painful , which it has not been since the first few weeks . I also felt very tired and achey , and hoped I wasn 't getting the flu . I woke up on Sunday feeling hot and achey and took my temperature first thing - - it was 100 . 5 ! My normal temperature first thing in the morning is 97 . 3 ( I know this because I took my temperature to chart my cycles back when I thought I would have a cycle , how naive ! ) , so this was high for me . I didn 't have any real flu symptoms , plus Eric and I had gotten our flu shots over a month ago . In the entirety of my relationship with Eric , I have not had a fever . I get one , maybe two , colds a winter at the worst . And it just so happened that Sunday was my grandma Tenny 's 90th birthday party in Washington , DC ! We had been planning to drive down and back that day so we could go and bring the boys to her party . I couldn 't stand the idea of her only great - grandchildren not being there , so I knew that Eric and the boys had to go . But then I decided since I wasn 't contagious , I should suck it up and go . So I called my primary care doctor 's office , and the doctor on - call told me to call my OB . I have to admit , I was excited to talk to him again and tell him how well our boys are doing ! Thankfully , he called a prescription in to CVS , and I ran around like crazy getting ready and we hopped in the car and drove on down . Our boys were absolute angels - - not a peep or a cry the whole way down , and then smiling and happy for 2 1 / 2 hours at the party . We brought the walker for Asher and put these little Robeez boots my friend Molly gave us on his feet , and he just marched all around the apartment , exploring , grinning at people , it was so adorable . Benjamin was his usual charming self and let people hold him and pass him all around . We left there around 2 : 30 , and on the way out , we passed Bob and Elizabeth Dole in the lobby - - a DC celebrity sighting ! Elizabeth Dole commented on how cute our boys were . They were also well - behaved on the way home , which made my decision to go down there while I was sick the right one . I am pretty much recovered now . I have some slight tenderness in my breast , but no more aches or fever , fortunately . My energy is also back , and we have had full days and a lot of fun . Now we 're preparing for our annual November celebrations : Meema Alison 's birthday ( tomorrow ! With a dinner party for her on Saturday night ) , and then Thanksgiving , where my boys will celebrate their first Thanksgiving with 4 of their great - grandparents , and many of their aunts , uncles , and cousins . Benjamin is such a sweet boy . Our nicknames for him are Benjamin Bunny , Rabbit , Crabbit ( crabby rabbit , if he is in a bad mood ) , Pabbit ( piggy rabbit , back when he got bottles he would drink them so fast ! ) , and Funny Bunny ( when he is giggly and happy ) . He has really changed so much over the past few months . For about the first four months he was very needy and I called him my high - maintenance baby . I could not put him down , or he would just scream and cry . If not for the Moby wrap , I would never have been able to do anything ! I wore Benjamin in that wrap as I made breakfast , ate breakfast , sat on the couch , even when I went to the bathroom . And then he went through a phase of hating his car seat and stroller , so I ( or my mom ) wore him in the Moby wrap anytime we went anywhere - - on walks , to the grocery store , the coffee place . . . Writing this makes me realize just how much things have changed , because today we went to the post office and grocery store and the boys were complete angels , even getting compliments on how happy and calm they were ! Anyway , Benjamin is now a very easy - going , happy boy . He smiles all the time , and is a complete ham for any camera - - point it at him and he grins away ! While Asher has to be moving at every second , Benjamin is happy to crawl to a toy , transition to sitting , and play with the toy for a while . I have recently noticed that sometimes he is happy to be alone when there are a lot of people around ; for example , at play group on Friday he was in a corner playing with toys with his back to the other babies . He is happy when I bring him back to the group , but clearly doesn 't mind being alone . Benjamin also laughs a lot ! He loves when I pretend to eat him up , when we bounce him on our knees , and he often laughs at Asher . He has the cutest giggle I 've ever heard , and just hearing it is contagious . He smiles all the time now , and it is so rewarding to go into the nursery when he wakes up from a nap and see him grin at me as soon as he sees my face . He has delicious juicy thighs that I nibble on ( leading to more giggles ! ) and chubby little fingers that I think are just the cutest things I 've ever seen . His hair . . . I forgot to get a picture , but he has a giant bald patch in the back , so while his hair is filling in on top , he is still bald in the back . My mom thinks it is really funny to look at , and it kind of is . Benjamin is also crawling , and pulling to standing . He seems to be about 3 days behind Asher on some things . It seems like maybe he is watching and learning , and then doing it himself . He is very good at sitting on his own , and very good at going from crawling to sitting . He is somewhat less aggressive in his movements than Asher . For a while , Benjamin was our big eater and Asher seemed more picky , but now he eats a little less than Asher . They nurse about the same amount , but sometimes on solids Benjamin peters out first . He does seem to enjoy every food he 's been given - - oatmeal , yogurt , green beans , peas , squash , pears , applesauce , you name it . He is good at managing more difficult solids like pieces of bread , and you can see him practicing his chewing . He has a strange habit of stuffing his fingers in his mouth after you feed him a spoonful of food , so eating gets really messy really fast ! Oh , and Benjamin is getting is first tooth ! It 's coming in on the bottom , on his right . I am kind of sad about seeing the boys with teeth because I so love their toothless grins . Benjamin does not seem to favor any particular toy at this point . He likes eating his Sophie giraffe , and shaking rattles , but he will examine pretty much anything . He likes the jumperoo in the mornings , and has lost any positive feelings he once had towards the swing . For now , books are for eating and not reading ! He is really a sweet angel , and I am so glad that he has mellowed with time , because it has made my life easier , and reassured me that he is happy and getting all the love and affection he needs . I 'm a very lucky mommy , and am struck by that thought every time I see his beautiful face . Asher is a very happy , smiley boy . Our nicknames for him are Bear , Big Brown Bear , Bear Child , Formaggio ( from his cheesy spit - ups ) , and now Monkey . I also call him angel baby , but I call both boys that . His favorite food right now is bananas , but he likes most things we 've given him . Asher likes plain yogurt mixed with mango puree , pumpkin , sweet potato , applesauce , pear , carrots , and mixed vegetables . So far he 's not a fan of green beans , peas , and avocado . He is working on ( and mastering ) picking up food with his fingers . Of course , he still loves breast feeding and is quite the nurser . I have had a few clogged ducts , and Asher drains them in about 2 - 3 minutes . Asher is very curious , and especially now that he 's mobile , he 's into everything ! He runs his walker into the cat food , walks himself up to the dishwasher and tries to pull out silverware , pulls all the dishtowels off the handle of the oven , and can generally make a mess wherever he goes . But he 's perfectly content to explore . He tries to pull up on anything and everything , and has started being able to stand with only one hand on a surface . With all of this movement , Asher hates sitting down . He can sit on his own , but he won 't stay for long because he MUST move . Diaper changes are a major challenge . We only change him on a large , flat surface , because he flips and takes off without anything on ! I do like the chance to see his adorable tush , though . He 's pretty tall and thin , like his daddy . He is also really strong , and his legs are very muscular with very little baby fat on them . He started trying to crawl when he was exactly five months old , and at this point he is completely crawling and is all over the place . Nothing is safe ! Today I discovered that Asher is getting his first tooth ! He was chewing on my finger and I felt something that didn 't feel like baby gums . . . I was ( and am ) surprised because it is on top , and there 's still nothing doing on the bottom , and I thought babies got their bottom teeth first . But what do I know ? Asher 's favorite games right now are peek - a - boo , put everything in his mouth , pick things up and throw them on the floor , and yank on anything that dangles . He has started eating puffs and Trader Joe 's O 's , and seems to have a pretty good pincher grip . His grip is better than his chewing and swallowing , so sometimes there is gagging involved . Asher is a beautiful , sweet boy , and I am lucky to be his mommy . We have a lot of fun together , and I know he will keep me on my toes for many years to come ! I have been reflecting a little on how quickly my boys have grown and changed . So here are some pictures to show you just some of the changes . Here is Asher in bed a few weeks old : They are so interactive now . We 're just beginning to see the start of separation and stranger anxiety . On the one hand , this makes me feel like I am an important part of the boys ' lives . On the other hand , it makes it a little more difficult to hand the babies off to helping hands from other people . They are now doing things like reaching up for me with their arms when they want to be picked up . Asher is crawling , and today when it was time for him to eat , I lay down and he crawled right up to me and threw himself at my chest with his mouth open . I said to Eric , " this was the baby who crossed his eyes and wouldn 't latch for the first 5 days ? ! ? " I am almost always the object of their attentions , and if I sit down on the floor with them ( which I do several times a day ) , they both come toward me and climb all over me . I do miss how snuggly they were before they were capable of voluntary movements , but Benjamin is 100 times happier now than he was as a little infant . In the earliest months , Benjamin needed to be held all the time , which made it very hard for me to do things like eat , use the toilet , and shower . So 2 of those 3 things took place with him strapped to me in a Moby wrap . Now he is happy to be independent in the exersaucer , jumperoo , walker , or practicing his crawling on the floor . Asher was our " easy " baby , and while he is still easy - going , he has started crying a little more . Still not as much as I imagine most babies do . For the most part , both boys only cry if there is something that they need and aren 't getting , and I have never had one of those moments of mommy frustration where they won 't stop crying no matter what you do and you think you are going to have to leave them alone in the crib to cry while you go for a long walk to cool off . They are very quickly soothed , and quick to smile . Benjamin has become a bit of a ham for the camera - - every time it 's turned on him , he grins ! Now , he grins a lot anyway , but it is really cute . Benjamin also loves interacting with other babies , and will smile and laugh at them . He also likes to smile and laugh at Asher . The fact that they are generally happy , and easy to soothe and smile makes me think that I must be doing something right here ! This weekend Eric has a home improvement project planned . He and our neighbor will rip out the closet in our room , and then he will patch the walls and ceiling , and then we 'll paint the room a new color . Big changes ! I am excited about it . I will try to take some before - and - after photos of his handiwork . Today was Benjamin and Asher 's first Halloween . I really had no idea how exciting it was going to be putting them in little costumes , so I didn 't really think hard about what they would be , or where I would get costumes . Back in September I saw these little Carter 's costumes at Costco , and I bought them , because when you have to buy two of everything , cost is a factor ! Fortunately , the costumes fit perfectly and the boys were completely adorable . We put them in their costumes yesterday for a Halloween party at a playgroup friend 's house , and I was so excited that I decided they would wear their costumes all day today . And they did ! In the morning , we took them to my parents ' coffee group at Starbucks , where they were passed around and generally admired . Asher loved having his sippy cup , and kept it in his mouth almost the whole time . It is strange for me to see my baby doing a big kid thing like that , but it was time . Then we decided to go to Ikea . Eric and I have been discussing some changes to our bedroom , since neither one of us is particularly happy with our room the way it is now . So we picked out a new wardrobe , and soon Eric will get to demolish the closet that was built into our bedroom . The boys were in their costumes in the stroller : Another big reason Eric goes to Ikea - - their meatballs . So our trip involved a necessary stop for lunch , and with each adult meal you get a free jar of baby food ( I had never noticed the baby food there before , but it 's there ! I notice all kinds of new things now that I have children of my own ) . Each boy got a jar of bananas , and now I think they are ready to make the Ikea cafeteria a regular stop of their own ! Asher LOVED , LOVED , LOVED his bananas ! How fitting for a monkey ! He was so eager for each spoonful that he would open his mouth and sing " Laaaaaaaa . " It was very funny , and I thought adorable . Here are the boys in their high chairs , looking like little men and not the babies I gave birth to a few months ago : I loved seeing them in their costumes and had a great day with them . Tonight we had friends over , which turned out to be a good idea , because between feeding , bathing , and putting two babies to bed , and cooking dinner . . . we needed someone to open the door for trick - or - treaters ! It really was a happy first Halloween for us , and I am looking forward to next year when Benjamin and Asher will understand what 's going on . I 'm a 33 year - old woman with twin sons , born in March 2010 , who were conceived with IVF . In April of 2012 I got a surprise - and now have a beautiful baby girl ! In my first pregnancy , I was put on bedrest at 21 weeks for a shortening cervix , and created this blog so I can remember my pregnancy and life with twins . . . and now with one more ! |
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